#health scare moment. lol. i need new interests!!!! but i am bad at starting things!!!

[bright-and-burning]

bonjour i have been tagged by @goingxmissing and @freeuselandonorris thank u <3

Last song I listened to: girls make me wanna die by the aces.. drawing inspo for girlband au.... the Visions... lando singing this on stage like oooooo. ('i tried to tell her once on a drunken night, but it came out all fucked like a bad pickup line')

Favourite colour: pink my beloved <3 my apartment is very green and yellow w pink accents but i own soooo many pink accessories/little tops/shorts/etc it's actually an unnecessary amount.

Currently watching: i am horrendous at watching tv on my own it's the executive dysfunction. i've only ever successfully finished tv shows w ppl ive dated (rip to stranger things which will never get finished bc we broke up first) or my dad. the 'finished shows w friends' stat would be higher if we hadn't picked a fucking massive show to try and watch (the mentalist) like. you try balancing sports and school and jobs and five people's schedules around those things and finish a 7 season show in 2 school years.

Sweet/savory/spicy: i mean all of the above... i have been craving sweet lately tho. found chocolate chips in my hair this morning bc i had cheerios + choc chips in bed while laying down

Current obsession: waves hands at blog. but also uhhh. hm. just spent like a month listening to exclusively beyonce's cowboy carter. and then a week and a half only listening to glass animals' creature in heaven. saw hadestown last week and spent several days just listening to the soundtrack!! uhh girlband au is wiggling into my brain. honestly lowkey this spinach and sun dried tomatoes pasta salad thing ive been eating has been Hitting

Last thing I googled: "schroedingers cat" to make sure i was spelling it right (i wasn't. it's schrödinger. handing in my nerd card now)

no pressure tagging the wonderful @leclercenjoyer @wewentcarracing @ocontraire if they wld like to

[jasperxkuromi]

Regressors that are (bodily) older, please interact!

Later 20s, 30s, maybe even older? I would love to hear from you and maybe even your stories if you don't mind sharing!

I want to meet more people like me and also show others that age regression doesn't just suddenly "stop" at a certain age

Some of us:

Didn't discover regressing/didn't understand their involuntary regression until they were older

Wasn't in a safe space mentally and/or physically to be able to regress the way we want to

Didnt "grow out" of regressing. I think a lot of people outside the community assume we will all grow out of wanting to regress at some point. Maybe some of us will, but some of us won't. Regressing can be a safe and healthy coping mechanism, no matter your bodily age!

And probably many other reasons I can't think of at the moment lol

I would love to get to talk to older regressors, or if there are any groups/discords, I would like to know those too :3

I'm gonna talk about my story a little under the cut, but I don't exactly recommend reading it if you are little right now! I am going to be talking about s3xualization of agere and children's media unfortunately.

I started age dreamer/involuntarily regressing when I was in high school without really knowing what it was. I was really into MLP FiM during its height popularity. I watched the show, collected and played with the toys, did coloring books, took my MLP blanket to school ever day. You get the idea.

I discovered regression here in Tumblr, but this was yeeeeaaars ago, like back when nsfw was still allowed. The line between ddlg and agere wasn't as solid as it is now. Or maybe it was just because I was a kid and couldn't understand better? Either way ... i ended up getting wrong ideas of what agere had to be and ended up scaring myself off. I also had adult roleplayers leaving really inappropriate comments on my posts that made me feel icky. I thought agere had to be s3xual and scared myself off.

We also unfortunately probably know the uhhh .. types of fan art that was popular of MLP. And it just ended up making me lose interest in the series. The stuff was everywhere and it was hard to avoid even if you were vigilant.

I never got a real chance to understand what healthy, voluntary regression was. I still was an age dreamer, but most times when I involuntarily regress it is out of extreme stress and it isn't fun or pretty.

I had a lot of bad things that happened to me last year and in turn I am having more health issues. Chronic conditions I already had getting worse, and new ones popping up. My mom (the one who birthed me) has been helping me a bit, but it has still been a lot of playing adult. Making phone calls back and forth, filling out paperwork, figuring out disability leave, paying bills, etc etc. I started age dreaming more and more often to cope with the stress. Like I randomly one day bought a DVD player and sets of Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo DVDs lmfao.

I also never stopped collecting stuffed animals and came back to collecting dolls again last year. It helps that I have friends IRL who I don't think are regressors, but still enjoy collecting with me. (my friends don't know yet, but I think they would be accepting if I told them, or they might already assume I regress tbh)

I have kinda had age regression on the back of my mind for several months, but was scared to look back into it. I was scared of going through the same thing I did back in high school. But also denying I am a regressor and that I still need to heal my childhood wounds was getting heavier and heavier on me. I am sooooo thankful I finally felt safe to begin exploring regression again ♥️😁

Side note: while I absolutely don't care if people do ddlg and similar stuff as a kink/fetish, I am thankful that the distinction between that and agere is more distinct now. It is important we protect minors and other vulnerable people from having the same sorts of things that happened to me (or worse) from happening to them.

[miguenhasthoughts]

05/09

The spring wind rubs along my bare legs. The scent of flowers carried on the breeze. Sun rays trickling down on the back of my neck. The blue sky invigorates the soul. The butterflies are fluttering unable to escape my mortal chest.

This week has been really affirming. Keeping my legs shaved feels so nice. My legs are so soft and I love showing them off. I’ve been keeping my nails painted. Being encouraged to try new make up and it feels good. Waiting on my mascara to show up is less so. Never realized how feminizing mascara can be alone. Now that we ran out I feel impatient to get back to experimenting. I feel more confident being myself out in public and I have been taking in more trans media to encourage me to be more honest and open with myself. My mom has been more curious and opening to learning what I’ve been feeling me and teaching me things about womanhood that I may not have known. It’s really sweet and makes me happy where I want to cry out of joy.

Sam has been feeling dysphoric about their gender and I feel so bad for them. They have a long road ahead of them. They finally have health insurance so getting the ball rolling for them is finally a possibility. I’m happy for them and I want to do everything in my power to make them feel good. Thats always been a priority for me. I love them so much and they deserve to be happy. They are such a good person.

I have two dates this week. It was my third date with May last night and my first date with J tonight. I’m kind of tired ngl. All the driving has been giving me a lot of experience so that’s been good for me at least lol May is so sweet. Our autism seems to be on the same wavelength. She is super supportive and loves to be creative and talking about every little thing that pops in her head. She talks a lot but I like that, I love listening and she is so interesting. We had sex for the first time. I was scared ngl. She was the first cis person I’ve slept with since I started my transition. She was super supportive through it all. Since my sex drive has been so low I haven’t pleasured myself in awhile and my girldick didn’t work this time around. I’m scared it may have started to atrophy. She made sure to reassure me she didn’t mind. She got to be a selfish brat because of it which was still fun. I need to talk to my doctor about this though because I still want my dick lol

We practically napped together after the session and I’m glad we were able to share an intimate moment. It was nice to be able to connect with someone socially, intimately and sexually. I can’t help to get butterflies. She is also quick to get butterflies too. We kind of teased each other about being quick to emotions lol

J has had a lot on their table. Their cat is sick. She’s overworked and she is taking on even more than she needs to. She has a good heart. I told her if she wanted to reschedule she shouldn’t feel bad about it. She invited me over instead so that’s interesting. I’ve never went to someone’s house for a first date. So I’m a little intimidated but they’ve only shown themselves as a saint so I feel like I should not worry. Honestly I think she’s looking for more hands to help with the cats and I love cats so here’s to new experiences lol

Anyways life has been good and I think recovering has been great. As far as the ED. I am eating some but it’s still pretty low. I’m trying to stuff my face but it is hard. I’m still hiding it from my loved ones. I’m afraid May also has a form of ED. I’m catching her doing similar habits and I don’t know if it will be healthy to date them if that’s the case but we will cross that bridge I guess. I lost forty pounds and yet I still feel like a fatass. I should talk to my therapist. I’m not delusional enough to delude myself that this is healthy.

[thatgirlwritingficsatnight]

Odi et Amo II

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior  

Catullus, 85

After a few years of working in the USA for Disney and playing the role of The White Fox in Marvel Cinematic Universe you came back to your motherland - Korea only to be greeted with hatred and contempt. To make things harder for you the universe sends you the most irritating neighbour ™. Will you be able to find your happiness and  accomplish your dream of becoming loved actress in Korea without complying with standards of patriarchal society?

pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

genre: actor au

warnings: angst, foul language (please don’t read it if you’re not old enough)

words: 5764

A/N: It was supposed to be published last week, but I was unhappy with it and ended up rewriting it/adding some things. Sorry! (*_ _)人 P.S Sorry for my grammatical errors! Enjoy!

Chapter I

***

Currently sitting in front of your manager you eyed him. He seemed tired and you felt a pang of conscience it was probably because of your tweets last night and you wouldn’t even think of meeting him if you weren’t in dire need of getaway from the uncomfortable conversation with your neighbor. You didn’t meet in your agency’s building since both of you despised the place even though it was a new and flashy building made out of something that looked like a white marble. Both of you agreed on meeting outside it, so you were sitting in the café nearby while wondering how did your shitty boss manage to rent it. Last time you’ve been here, it was a few rooms in shabby, old building. You shivered while imagining going in, that place had an evil aura even from across the street.

"Where did you get all that money to rent it?" you asked.

"We actually bought it." 

"Well, business goes well then."

"Actually we are only able thanks to your movies. Don’t tell Kim Pd-nim I told you, he thinks you'll become arrogant."

"I already am." You smiled coldly.

"That's what I told him."

Your manager had a sarcastic smirk on. Both of you and hated your CEO and even mentioning him would bring up unpleasant memories. Kim Sanghoon was one of those bosses who wouldn't even think about trying to help idols and stars that were bringing him money. No matter what it was — crazy fans destroying your life, death threats, your collapsing mental health he didn’t care. Once you were attacked by media and netizens you were on your own and if it was too much for the company your contract was terminated. You often wondered when would you become too much for them to handle.

"How do you feel?" Your manager caught you off guard, even though you had known each other for a long time there was an unspoken rule between you not to talk about other things than work.

"Honesty..I'm fine I don't understand why everyone asks me that." You huffed a bit irritated and run fingers through your hair. 

"Well it's just.. I know it was important to you and you worked hard to earn the hearts of your Korean fa..."

"I'm fine." you didn't manage to hide irritation in your voice. You were not used to talking about it and you didn't like it one bit. Besides what were you supposed to say anyway? No one else was as hated as you. Of course there were idols and stars that were occasionally criticized but not one of them was constantly a target of such hatred. Even when you left there were still death threats send from your motherland to you, nothing changed. Not to mention no one else got such welcoming on the day of return to their home. It was unfair, stupid, infuriating and saddening. And yet you couldn’t understand what people were expecting of you? Both Mark and your manager knew you, or so you thought. What were you supposed to do? Cry? You wouldn't cry, that was what weak people do, that would show you actually care about what those assholes think about you. You were just fine. Ok. Neither sad nor happy. You'd endure whatever you had to but you won't conform to their image of idol and woman nor will you show any sign of weakness. You'd rather stay hated than do that. Your manager sighed and it pulled you out of your thoughts.

"Well then. If you're okay then I'm glad. So just as I told you I have this drama for you if you're interested." You weren't the slightest bit. Frankly you'd rather stay in bed for the next three months jobless than play some crazy villain or villainous second female lead. Then again you felt bad about the amount of work he probably had because of you. You looked him in the eyes and answered with a sigh.

"I can't promise anything but I can at least listen what it’s about.." Your manager seemed surprised, but he didn't wait long, perhaps in case you'd change your mind. He took out some papers and handed them to you. You cringed on the sole title "Love is your destiny" — it sounded sappy. 

"So it's a love story between fallen angel and this human..." he started.

"Angels...so who do they want me to play? Satan? Devil? Succubus?" You browsed through pages to find the villain.

"You'd know if you'd let me finish." You sent him a small apologetic smile. "They want you to play the main role." You stared at him confused before you burst with laughter.

"They want me to play cute girl in love with the angel?" The idea of you playing the sweet female lead was absurd, not that you weren’t able to do it, you were a good actress it wouldn’t be a problem for you, if anything it would most likely be a challenge for the audience.

"No, no! You'd play the angel. See this is drama with strong female lead. The origin of your character is fascinating. You had to watch the mistreatment of a woman extremely devoted to god. The lady prayed, but she still got beaten, almost killed even. Moreover, you had to be the guardian angel of her torturer — the aggressive husband. You pleaded to god, you asked him to let you guard her instead, but he didn’t agree and forbade you from intervening. One night when the husband got drunk, he beat her unconscious and you were sure he’d kill her. You decided to save her, you kill her husband and this is the moment when you fell. That's when you became deviant and promised yourself you'd help those who were denied it. You’d protect them and avenge them. Fast-forward a thousand years, and we are in Seoul and you meet a man, a painter..." He was so excited you almost didn't understand some words because of the speed. He was waiting for your response but you were too occupied with reading what he handed you. Once you finished it you looked at him with a mix of surprise and excitement.

"It's like it was made for me.." you said with bewildered tone.

"That's because it was made for you. The screenwriter wrote it with you in mind." You looked like a cartoon character, eyes wide, mouth in a shape of letter "o", once you heard him.

"Me?"

"Yes. She is apparently a big fan."

"And tvN is ok with that?" You furrowed your brows confused.

"Perhaps they aren't. But it is co-production with Netflix, and they pushed for you since you’re popular worldwide." 

Your heart fluttered and the tips of your fingers tingled from excitement as you rummaged through the pages once again, not only it would be showed in TV during the prime-time but also streamed on Netflix weekly.

"The screenwriter and producer kept calling me since yesterday as soon as it was known you came back. They almost cast someone else. They were sure you're staying in the USA. Isn't it amazing?" He was as excited as you were and you felt some remorse for being so rude to him before. You gave him your warmest smile, one you usually used only around Mark and your family.

"It really is. Thank you and I'm sorry for being rude earlier." He was clearly uncomfortable with your apology, red spreading on his cheeks as he waved his hand dismissively.

"Ah don't mention it. Does that mean I can call them and say you are interested." You looked at the pages in front of you once again and smiled broadly before simply saying.

"Yes!"

Jinyoung was still amused you threatened him in his own café. He couldn't focus on the book he had in his hands anymore as he chuckled replying your angered and irritated expressions in his head. It was fun to tease you because you reacted so well. He could tell you could be great friends if you'd let him. He smiled to himself mouthing your own words "bloody Y/N". He was truly shocked that he met you here of all places and found it rather amusing when you yelled in English and caught his attention. He felt some disappointment upon seeing a half naked man talking to you from the screen of your phone but the feeling disappeared as quickly as it came up once your friend ended the call. Jinyoung wouldn't call himself a noisy person, but he found you interesting, and he wanted to know who it was and what kind of relationship you had although he rarely cared for stuff like this... His thoughts were interrupted by his ring-tone, BamBam's face illuminated the screen. He sighed but answered it anyway.

"Skrrrt, skrrt!"

"Ah yes, good morning to you to Bam." Jinyoung said in amused tone.

"Oh, hyung you seem in good mood. What you're up to?"

"Reading, thinking."

"Sounds boring wanna hang out?"

"Actually I wanted to ask you about something." Jinyoung ignored his question once he remembered how obsessed with celebrities and their styles Bam was.

"Shoot."

"Do you know any celebrities under the name Y/N." BamBam laughed wholeheartedly.

"That's very funny hyung."

"What do you mean?"

"OMG you're not joking! Are you living under a rock, hyung? Y/N is like the hottest actress ever. Her style is chic and comfy and artsy it's really cool, and she actually doesn't have a stylist, she does it on her ow..."

"She is an actress?"

"She is the actress! She played the White Fox in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Lol, you call yourself an actor and you don't know the most popular Korean actress abroad."

"You know I don't like those superheroes movies. Besides why didn't I hear about her Korean career if she's so good?"

"You are so old it scares me sometimes. Well you should know her from internet. I think it's national sport to hate her or something. She just came back, and they're already frying her online not to mention the media and dating rumors."

"Dating rumors?"

"Yeah she dated few actors. I think Seojoon hyung dated her and Changwook hyung even almost proposed. The media made her to look like heartless vixen though. I mean they never liked her but her last ex gave a very unfavorable interview to dispatch and after that she became villain number one. She left shortly after."

"Mmmm... I see." Jinyoung only started his career four years ago so it shouldn't be weird you've never met before. He was also the type of person who couldn't care less about internet gossip and gutter press or dispatch. He sighed. Suddenly your angry reaction made much more sense and Jinyoung didn't feel as good about it as he did before. He scolded himself for being too frivolous and selfish. He just wanted to see your reactions - it was cute and funny...

"Why did you ask? OMG you've met her didn't you. I'm so jealous. What was she wearing? Was it Gucci? I heard she likes it."

"Ok Bam. I have to go. Thanks for the talk."

"Wait, so you wanna hang out?"

"Last time when you asked me to hang out I had to shop for 4 hours with you."

"Well... I am your stylist. Besides, it was fun, come on." 

"I think we have different definitions of "fun""

You woke up to no noise pleasantly surprised. It seems that Sunday's were free from renovation and thanks to that you could sleep in. You stretched out and grabbed the phone to check the time. It was already past eleven. You smiled to yourself and fell to bed lazily. Soon you wouldn't have time for lazy days like this as the production team was supposed to finish up casting for the drama by the end of the next week. You thought about picking some groceries, maybe cooking yourself some food and enjoying the day with a book or perhaps some video games. You took shower and put on some comfortable clothes — beige cardigan you stole from Mark clearly too big for you and some black trousers pairing it up with brown coat. You left the apartment and as soon as you did the irritating voice in your head reminded you about your debt. Hesitant at first you shook off the feeling quickly and knocked on the door. This time you were prepared for teasing, you were expecting it even so you wouldn't be caught off guard. At least that's what you were telling yourself. Your neighbor, however, didn't act the way you expected him to. Instead of smirking at you and teasing you or straight up mocking you, he seemed nervous. He had deep purple bags under his usually sparkling eyes. Perhaps he didn’t feel well... you wondered whether you should ask him if he needed some help. You decided it would be extremely awkward and so you cleared your throat and spoke up — softness now somewhere in your voice.

"Is that bad time? I can come later I just wanted to give you back your money.."

"N-No." He started nervously "I mean no. It's fine. I'm actually glad you're here. Would you come in?"

You didn't want to come in and it must have shown on your face since he continued.

"Come on. I don't bite." He smiled warmly and it seemed much more normal than the timid self he showed you seconds ago. And so you came in curiously looking around his own apartment. It was a mirror image of your own in terms of room placements — a hallway leading to living room with opened kitchen. You came into the living room and Jinyoung rushed after you quickly turning the TV off. You didn't pay it any mind since you were looking around and taking in how different was his home compared to yours. It was very modern and yet it kept the homey feeling. Yours on the other hand, well it was raw yet full of stuff? Mark would probably call it unfinished and cluttered. Your neighbor sat on the other side of the couch leaving quite a lot of space between the two of you and run a hand through his hair. He wore a cardigan very similar to yours both in color and style in fact it could be the very same brand and style it’s just neither of you noticed it.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to apologize." He responded quickly and gained a surprised look from you.

"Apologize?"

"Yes about yesterday…I shouldn't have said those things in public I could say I just didn't know about your situation but it’s no excuse. I’m truly sorry." he paused. "You don't have to be stressed about press or rumors though. It is my café and my staff, so they won't talk about it with anyone I took care of it." You took back everything you said, you weren’t prepared for meeting him, especially not getting apologies from him. On top of that he was the owner of your favorite café...

"I… it's fine." You said confused and tried to act as normal as possible while being very aware of your palms spread on your thighs. They were unnaturally clammy. It was a surprise to you, you rarely got any apologies and you were expecting some more teasing not something like that. Your eyes were everywhere except on him and you were screaming at yourself internally to say something, anything, but nothing was coming to your mind. Once again you lost your ability for forming witty sentences around him or in that case any sentences. There was awkward silence between you and you immensely regretted coming to see him today. You weren’t used to this. Somewhere in your belly you could feel as if butterflies - or rather moths — yes, moths of anxiety were fluttering their wings desperately trying to get into your chest. You never felt like this before. You tried to avoid looking at him but your own eyes betrayed you and fell on Jinyoung only to find out he was enjoying your anguish. His brown eyes were glimmering and his lips formed half smirk that he tried to cover with his left hand in a gesture of propping his head up. Immediately irritation came to you burning all the fluttering wings in the pits of your stomach. A frown formed on your face and you send him a glare. Wondering how could you be so stupid and fall for his act.

"You're really cute when you're shy or embarrassed." He chuckled now mocking you openly.

"I can't believe I took your apologies as sincere." He chuckled again clearly pleased with how you responded.

"They were sincere. I just enjoy teasing you."

"Could you stop? That's inappropriate you don't even know me."

"What do you mean we are neighbors and soon to be friends." He smiled broadly and for a second your mind travelled somewhere else simply admiring his beauty. You cursed his handsome face it could blind and charm everyone really. You wanted to leave, no you needed to leave. It was stuffy in here.

"I'm here for a reason." You reminded him, he was watching you with amusement. It felt almost as if a cat was observing you.

"Ah right... money." his tone seemed inattentive somehow. "I don't need it. Let's say it was a part of my apology."

"Just give me your account number and take the money."

"I don't remember it." You were getting more irritated every minute you talked to him.

"You don't remember your account number?" This man was unbelievable. He shrugged.

"You can send it to me through KakaoTalk if you really want." He smiled and took out the phone from the pocket of his pants. 

"Fine. Just give it." Not wanting to spend any second longer here with him, you scanned his qr to add him quickly and transferred the money.

"Done. Now if you excuse me."

"Of course." He smiled again and you felt mocked by the sole action of his lips shooting upwards. He walked you to the door and watched as you slipped on your shoes. You tried to look as cold and dignified as possible but still tripped over the doorstep. He caught your arm firmly and straightened you. Your heart was beating so fast and hard all you could hear was blood pumping in your ears in fact you were sure he could hear it as well. On the other hand whose heart wouldn't when you almost fell face first, right…? Right? It surely wasn't because of his warm breath now tickling the crown of your head, nor the dangerously beautiful eyes... you absolutely regretted coming here today. It was foolish of you to think your cursed neighbor wouldn't shake you up today. And he was still holding you — how awkward is that; and you felt fine with being hold like that — what on earth was wrong with you? You started to think that maybe it would be better if you'd actually fell and hit that stupid head of yours.

Jinyoung was having very dangerous thoughts. The kind he didn't have in a very long time. He wasn't prepared for this kind of proximity. He was already shaken up yesterday by your touch and closeness he only held your hand for a second or two. Maybe he didn't show it but he was. Honestly he wasn't even into PDA or flirting with someone or even thinking of flirting with someone. Yes, he liked teasing, and he teased you but it was in a FRIENDLY manner. Well it was safe to say he didn't have friendshippy type of thoughts right now. Jinyoung reacted automatically upon seeing you fall he just grabbed your arm and pulled you his way. He was still holding your now tensed muscles, but he couldn't let go of you. He was in trance. Your warmth radiating onto him, the way the smell of your shampoo was tingling his nose, your huge doe-like shocked eyes, parted lips, soft pink on the apples of your cheeks. He was wondering how badly would you kill him if he asked to kiss you right now. He was seriously considering it worthy asking even if you were to pull out his tongue like you threatened yesterday. He didn't ask though, the rational part of his brain finally letting go of you. His own feeling were mess, but he did what he knew best — he masked his emotional disarray with some more teasing hoping you wouldn’t notice.

"Falling for me already?" He smirked even though internally he was screaming and already thinking of confiding in Jackson to get himself calmed. He was clearly the one falling and he was panicked. You rolled your eyes on him seemingly gaining the composure while he was getting stunned even by such simple gesture like this.

"You're way below my standards." You seemed annoyed. He smiled again although he wanted you to leave quickly and leave him alone with his feelings, so he can sort this out. Your eyes narrowed at him even more.

"I need to go now."

"Well, have a great day."

"Right, you too." You were so cold Jinyoung almost chuckled at it because it almost wounded him, and yet he liked it. He enjoyed teasing you too much. You were already walking to the elevator, but he couldn't help himself.

"Oh, and try not to fall when I'm not around to catch you, Y/N." He laughed and you were already frowning at him absolutely mad which made his heart skip a beat, you were really too cute when you frowned. Jinyoung closed the door before you could say anything or worse before he did. He realized he was in deep shit. He tried to think reasonably. He probably just had a crush because he spent a whole night watching movies and dramas you were starring in, he might have also accidentally watched all of your interviews and went to sleep at 6 still smiling to himself from that interview where you had to answer questions about your body in preparation for your role in that Marvel movie. The reporter wouldn't stop asking about your body and making comments on it even though you were clearly uninterested in the topic which you finally cut with your own questions. "Are you looking for some weight loss tips? You look great. Seriously what is it about? Are you trying to fit in my suit?" The last question was asked with whole whisper theatrics and Jinyoung laughed at loud at five am hoping he didn't wake you up through the wall. The suit in question was extremely fitting white leather catsuit. It wasn't the only interview in which you showed off your wits, eloquence and badassness, or how Bam would call it "swag". You were also the most attractive actress he had seen. Of course, you were also attractive when you weren't acting but on the screen... you were amazing. So Jinyoung tried to calm himself down rationalizing his earlier thoughts as simply being starstrucked. That’s what fans felt towards their idols, he was simply charmed by his own new idol. Yes that was it — that’s exactly the type of thoughts some fanboys or fangirls would have. He called Jackson anyway, he knew the designer was the right person to talk to in situations like this. 

Twenty minutes later Jinyoung regretted ever calling his best friend.

"OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO IN LOVE WITH HER!" Jackson basically yelled to the phone. Jinyoung groaned and massaged the space between his brows. 

"Were you even listening? I'm just a big fan."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night man. I’m a big fan of Christian Dior and all I can think of is making out with him." 

"Don’t compare it, he is dead!" Jinyoung yelled and his friend filled his ear in response.

 You were regretting not taking the car for shopping. The walk did help with your racing heart, and helped ease off your mind but it turned out the supermarket isn't that close any more when you have to drag home ten bags of food and products. Thankfully a convenience store was on your way so you could make a stop there maybe you'd be lucky enough to see Seoyun, buy her coffee and have a chat. You knew it was stupid, because she could've just feel obliged to say she is your fan but you still wanted to tell her about your new upcoming role. Sadly she wasn't there and so you just made a stop and sat on one of nearby benches. Massaging your palms that had those harsh red lines imprinted in them now thanks to the bags. You could swear you heard the sound of released shutter and so now alarmed you looked around but it seemed you were the only person here. You sighed, how paranoid have you become that you started hearing the cameras when there was none. Then again you were extremely lucky dispatch and paparazzi haven't found you yet. Just before you left to the USA, your ex gave this interview and your life became hell. You didn't have a day without paparazzi running after you or spying on you. The memories came to you not without acrimony and hurt. Your ex, an actor just like you, used you to create scandal and gain some popularity. You could remember how enraged and morose it made you. You didn't date anyone since then even when Mark tried to introduce you to some people. You intended on staying that way. You didn't need anyone, you had Mark, and he was enough for you. Just you and your best friend. You weren't sure how long you stayed like this, deep in your thoughts. You moved only after you fingers became stiff from cold. Somehow you managed to carry the groceries back home. You were so tired that you just counted it as your training today. You checked the time and it was one PM, perfect time to call your bestie.

"Markiee!!" You whined as soon as his face appeared on your screen.

"Y/N-ah. I miss you." He was wearing some blue hoodie this time.

"That's my line. Do you have time to talk?"

"Bruh, for you? Always. What's up?" 

"I am going to star in a drama!"

"What? I thought you hate those." He was genuinely shocked.

"I know, I do. But this one is different. I'm not playing the villain I got female lead, and she isn't some damsel in distress she is a badass character!" You almost screamed and he chuckled.

"Woah. Someone's excited. I'm so proud of you. So who is getting the privilege to be cast with you?"

"I don't know yet. I'm supposed to meet the cast next week." He nodded his head and smiled. "Anyway what are you up to?"

"I was actually thinking of playing Among Us and streaming wanna join?" He grinned.

"Absolutely, prepare to get wrecked Tuan." You used to play together at least once a week when you were in the USA, his fans loved you and shipped you even though you both told them you were just friends — it is some rule in the internet though, to ship close friends.

Few hours later you were once again killed as the first person, this time by Mark.

"YOU GONNA REGRET IT WHEN WE’LL MEET TUAN. I SWEAR I’M GONNA WHOOP YO ASS..." You screamed on top of your lungs and Mark laughed wholeheartedly, while his chat filled up with hundreds of LOL’s and LUL’s.

"You guys she threatens me. Someone make a clip and send it to the police once they find my dead body." He kept laughing and you couldn’t help but laugh as well. His smile and laugh were just too contagious.

"You really put our friendship to test lately Tuan, here I was foolishly trusting you when you killed me in cold blood. " You stretched and your stomach rumbled reminding you that you haven’t eaten yet and it was already around four pm.

" Hey don’t hate the player, hate the game. "   He shrugged and winked, while you rolled your eyes.

"Okay Mark, I gotta go and eat. It’s already afternoon here."

"Sure, chat say bye to Y/N." They did as he asked and it was soon filled with many hearts and goodbyes. "Love you Y/N! Call me soon." He grinned and you smiled warmly.

"Love you too Mark. Bye guys!" With that you logged off the discord, and switched off his stream. You make your way to the kitchen and took out the ingredients for kimchi jjigae you bought before. You carefully read the recipe opened on your phone and began cooking. You had to make anchovy stock first so you grabbed some dried anchovies, kelp and slashed the daikon in cubicles — it looked quite awkward as each cubicle was different size but hey it was you eating it not some kind of culinary critic. You added water and left it to boil deciding to take care of the rest of ingredients. You cut some kimchi and ate some as a snack and reward for not ordering food today, sliced some green onions, cut the pork and the tofu as well. By the time you were done it was time to strain the broth and add the rest of ingredients. It had to cook so you decided to watch some TV in the meantime. You turned it on, it was some kind of reality show where idols were supposed to camp in the wild for a few days. The idols clearly didn’t feel like being there and the fact you knew neither of them didn’t help. You dozed off before you noticed, your eyelids getting as heavy as iron. The smell of burning woke you up. You shot upwards from your couch and rushed to the kitchen, bumping into a coffee table on your way there.

"FFFFFF-UUCK." you hissed, when your shin pulsed with pain. You quickly grabbed the pot with stew to get it off the fire, forgetting it would be hot as well. You hissed in pain and let id drop on your marble floor which was now covered in burned kimchi and some other things. "Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fucking shit." You cursed as you tried to navigate to the sink to ease off the burn with some cold water. The cold water did help and you sighed with relief only to later follow it with a sigh of resignation. You had to clean up this mess. It was when your phone barked — a new message. You checked it.

From Unknown number: Are you trying to burn down the whole building?

You furrowed your brows confused, wondering if it was one of those jokes or spam messages you heard about.

To Unknown number: Who’s this?

From Unknown number: Guess.

You huffed in disbelief.

To Unknown number: Ok, enjoy being blocked.

From Unknown number: Wait!

From Unknown number: It’s Jinyoung.

To Unknown number: How did you get my number? Never mind I’m blocking you I’m too busy to deal with you.

With that you put the phone back in your pocket and began cleaning up. You finished in no time now tired out by scrubbing. You sat on the floor and took out your phone to check it out. From Unknown number: Don’t block me what if you need my help one day.

To Unknown number: With what exactly?

From Unknown number: What if you get stuck in your bathroom and need someone to let you out?

You rolled your eyes and saved his contact

To Devil: There is at least 7 billion more people I’d rather ask to help me

From Devil: Ok then what if I get stuck in the bathroom and need your help.

To Devil: I’d leave you there

From Devil: Heartless

To Devil: Better tell me how did you get my phone number

From Devil: You gave it to me when you scanned my kakao code

You were bewildered, was that his plan from the very beginning or were you just paranoid? You were either prejudiced or he was in fact the devil with angel's face.

To Devil: Did you lie about not remembering your account number?

From Devil: Maybe

You couldn’t believe it, the audacity, the smugness. You could feel irritation building inside you but you decide to let it go when your stomach rumbled at you aggressively. After eating you took shower, read a few chapters of The Vegetarian and fell asleep.

Next week passed quickly but in the feeling of anticipation as you were supposed to meet the rest of the cast as well as the scriptwriter and director at the meeting on Friday. You kept calling your manager throughout the week trying to find out who could they be, but he didn’t know anything or didn’t want to tell you. And so you spent the week on training, running, reading and occasionally calling Mark to express your impatience and excitement. You didn’t meet your irritating neighbor even once this week — something you counted as blessing or perhaps a sign that the universe finally turned your karma around. It was finally Friday and you were already sitting in the meeting room waiting for everyone to come in. You smiled at the young man sitting next to you, he was really cute and had this mole under his right eye it added to his charm. He was about to introduce himself, when someone came through the door and greeted everyone cheerfully. You couldn’t believe it. You were cursed, actually cursed.

"YOU?!" was all that left your mouth upon seeing him entering the room.

[purplesurveys]

1131

survey by lilprincess

Approx. Time you began this survey: 6:46 on a Wednesday evening.

Describe your mood right now: Erm, a bit exhausted because I just ended a work shift; but content for the same reason. Right now I’m simply looking forward to dinner and crashing on the couch or my bed, wherever I feel like sleeping tonight.

Spell your first name without vowels: Rbn. Let’s just also remove y for this one.

Age you will be on your next birthday: 23.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Do you believe what your horoscope says about your sign? I do not believe in astrology whatsoever.

What state/region do you live in? Somewhere in the Philippines somewhere close to Metro Manila.

Height: Like 5′1��� ish. I had a massive growth spurt in 4th grade that also ended in 4th grade, which will always be a funny story to tell people lmao. I went from being placed at the back of the class line to the front really quickly.

Do you smoke? Super occasionally. My last cigarette was like...all the way back in February last year. It was easier to hide the smell around my family before, but because my parents and siblings have mostly been staying at home in the last year it would be so easy to weed out the smell. I never feel like smoking anyway since I vape, so there’s been no reason to seek it out.

Do you drink? Yeah, sometimes socially and sometimes on my own if I wanna unwind and feel a lil buzz come through.

What's your ethnic background? Southeast Asian, specifically Filipino.

What's your religious background? Technically my ~background~ would be Catholic since I was born and baptized in that faith, but I’ve long let go of this. Excluding one very brief period in high school, religion was something I never held much belief and faith in, even if I've been taken to literally every Sunday mass for the last 23 years and even if I was enrolled in Catholic school from preschool to high school.

What's your natural hair color? Black.

What;s your natural eye color? Dark brown, almost black.

Do you have any bad habits you want to break? I do overtime work a lot but used to seldom file it on our company shift log sheet because I get shy that they must think I’m doing it just to be paid more, lol. I’m starting to file them every time I do OT though because fuck it, pay me.

Name a few of your positive habits. I like that I always find a way to meet deadlines. I like that I’m selfless, even though some would see it as a flaw. I’d rather do too much than say I never did anything at all.

Have you ever lived in a foreign country? No, the most I’ve done was travel to one for a week.

Did you vote in the Nov. 6 2012 presidential election? No because I am not American -___- The last election that took place before I was eligible was in 2010, and had I been able to vote then, I would’ve given mine to Gibo Teodoro, who I believe was the most qualified at the time.

Are you even eligible to vote? Yeah, I’ve been for the last 5 years. I’ve voted twice - once for the presidential elections back in 2016, and the next was for the senatorial elections in 2019.

Are you right handed or left handed? Right-handed.

When you write, is your penmanship usually neat or do you tend to scribble? It starts off neat for the most part, but it gradually gets messy and becomes more like a scribble if we’re talking about writing several essays in one sitting, which was usually the case in my exams in college.

Have you ever experienced an accident? (of any type): Sure, I’ve been in car accidents before. I’ve also been shocked once.

Do you have/want children? They would be nice to have, yeah. 

Are you environmentally conscious? For the most part, yeah. But there are some things that can’t be helped, like me driving. Unless the government does something about the shitty public transport system that we have and have had for decades, I refuse to take it.

What's your favorite mode of transportation? Like I said, my own car. If I’m traveling, by plane.

Do you prefer 80's - 90's music compared to today's music? Eh, not at all. I prefer music produced these days.

Are you more of an introvert (quiet/shy), or extrovert (social butterfly)? I’ve been more of an extrovert in the last few years but I will always be shy at first upon meeting new people, like that will never change. I warm up a lot quickly now, though.

What's your favorite emoticon? :)

Do you miss the good old days of hand-written letters? I caught the super super super last part of this era, so I didn’t even get to experience it. I know snail mail was still kind of a thing when I was a kid, but at the same time that was happening my mom was also already using email to keep in touch with my dad, so.

Nowadays, though, when I do write letters to loved ones, I will still prefer to make handwritten ones, especially for a significant other or best friend. I don’t think I’ve ever sent out a computerized long letter.

Do you enjoy receiving or giving more? Giving, but it’s nice to be treated too sometimes.

Are you good at keeping secrets? Sure.

Do you take or give advice more often? I don’t usually get into situations wherein I’d have to do either, but I think I’ve been asking for advice more, especially over the last few months.

Do you have your driver's license? “I got my driver’s license last week, just like we always talked about...” Haha this question made me sing a bit. Anyway, yeah, I got it shortly after I turned 18 since I needed to quickly learn before college started.

Would you rather be poor & happy or rich but miserable? Rich but miserable. Soz but I’d solve 4854983594857 of my problems if I never had to worry about money.

Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Never.

Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook? Probably not blocked, but I’ve unfollowed some current Facebook friends and unfriended others entirely.

Do you think recreational marijuana should be nationally legalized? Idk much about the topic since it’s taboo enough where I live, but sure, I guess?I haven’t heard one bad word about the effects of marijuana.

Describe your perfect first date. I’ve never really had a first date, but I imagine an ideal one would be pretty lowkey, just a stroll around a nice city and maybe have fancyish dinner somewhere.

Have you ever been high? Nope.

Have you ever watched a NC-17 rated film? Sure. A good handful of Kubrick films pass for NC-17, right? I’d be surprised if they weren’t, lol. I’ve been scarred by some of them for sure.

If you ever become reincarnated as an animal, what would you want it to be? A dog.

Do you remember where you were/what you were doing on September 11, 2001? No; I was 2 years old. I did ask my parents where they were in those moments, and my mom understandably missed most of it since the entire thing unfolded in the late evening in the Philippines. The only thing she can recall was being insanely worried for my dad, who had just started to work in the US back then.

Do you ever wish you were of a different nationality/religion? Yeah, to a certain extent, just because the political and socioeconomic situation here is very messy and it doesn’t really give us the nicest reputation in front of the world. I’m proud of my Filipino culture and heritage though.

Are you more of a junk food addict or health nut? Health nut is the last thing anyone should be calling me. But I’m not so much a junk food addict either? I do like spoiling myself with food, but I still monitor my intake.

Do you believe Antarctica should be considered the 7th world continent? Isn’t it already though?? We’ve always been taught there were 7 continents and Antarctica is one of them lol.

Describe your own sense of humor in 1 word: Gen-Z, if that counts as one word.

Have you ever quoted the Bible (or any other Holy Book)? If I ever did it was probably meant to be sarcasm.

Have you ever completed a Sudoku puzzle? No. Never figured out how to play it either.

Would you rather be a nuclear physicist or marine biologist? Marine biologist. That’s one step closer to one of my loves, biology. Plus I was never any good with physics, so.

Do you have a deep, dark secret you're hiding from every one? I guess.

Would you rather be able to soar like an eagle or swim like a dolphin? I’d make my childhood self happy and go with flight.

If you wanted to learn a foreign language, what would it be? Korean so I can finally stop reading subs, hahah.

Are you bi-curious? No.

Did you watch the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon more as a kid? The Nickelodeon cartoons were far more interesting to me. I think I only got into Disney when I got a little bit older, once I was able to appreciate the more mature content in shows like The Suite Life, That’s So Raven, etc. But for the most part our TV was always tuned into Nick Jr., Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron and the other Nick shows.

Name 5 films that were made the year you were born: American History X (great watch), The Truman Show, Mulan, La Vita e Bella if I’m not mistaken (one of my faves, no matter how gut-wrenching it is), and Shakespeare in Love.

Did you have a lot of friends in high school? Yes, eventually I did.

Do you rely more on the newspaper, Internet or TV as your news source? Social media these days since I find that online writers are far more discerning in their reporting than TV anchors, who stay neutral at best.

True or false: Bigger is better. Very vaguely put, but not always, I guess.

Do you think religion is the primary cause of war? No? There’ve been plenty other reasons for war.

What's your favorite pizza topping? ...Cheese.

Think of your wardrobe. What color do you wear the most? It’s still black, I think.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? Just once, on a middle school field trip. I’d love to come back, though.

Do you feel like you connect more with animals or other people? I don’t get to be with animals a lot other than my dogs, so I’ll go with people.

Do you feel like sometimes you have to lie in order to protect yourself? Wow so dramatically put haha but yeah, I suppose it does feel that way sometimes.

How often do you exercise? Literally never. I’ve stopped working out this year since I didn’t see the point, and I’ve stopped feeling like I had to ‘get back’ at my ex just by getting a more toned figure. I’m totally at peace with how my body looks, plus I never want to give up on my favorite foods and snacks lol so there’s that.

Can you swear in a different language? Putangina mong bobo kang gago ka. That’s three for ya.

Do you think teachers/doctors deserve to get paid more than pro athletes? Everyone deserves to be paid fairly to the point that no comparison should be necessary, period.

From a scale of 1- 5, you would rate this survey: Erm, a 4.5. I had to delete some questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering or that I found a little meh, but the rest I fairly enjoyed.

Do you think most of these questions were more original or more ordinary? It’s a bit in between.

Approx. time you completed this survey: Hahahahah 10:38 PM. I took a million breaks.

[kikifeliz]

THE WEEK AHEAD: May 3 - May 9, 2021

By Kiki Feliz

♈️♌️♐️ Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

I’m seeing a huge victory for y’all! One that is going to turn you into a big kahuna. This change is going to provide you with a brand new life and just all sorts of new beginnings! Amazing energy in this spread overall, with very clear hero-type energy to round it out.

It looks like there is going to be a MAJOR upheaval in your life of some sort this week. It may seem/feel bad at first, but this is only happening so that you can strike out on your own, start a new journey and truly become independent.

The path you choose may be nontraditional; you may end up being judged by many for your choices as a result of this upheaval, as well. You must trust that this is all part of God’s plan. In doing so, you will embody a very serious energy. You’ll end up being the one who calls the shots and making the major decisions, while everyone else will be left in line, begging for your mercy or your pity later on.

You may have had to walk away from some friendships, an engagement, or a social group recently. It looks like someone (or maybe the whole group) either REALLY hurt you, or you just realized y’all don’t have the same philosophy/approach to life anymore. Someone may have even caused you injury or gotten you sick. It looks like you will be spending more time alone, but it’s not a bad thing — you’ll be resting and reflecting. A “tower moment” seems to have happened, a sudden but foundation-breaking issue that made you realize that things were not what you thought they were between you and this person/group.

I see you walking away, choosing to emotionally test your own self-worth. You may return to this situation someday, but I don’t think it will be the same as it was before — the other party will end up getting close with someone else and you will end up being more independent and self-sufficient.

Y’all are definitely starting a new journey & turning over a new leaf. This is a step away from poverty-mindset or financial mismanagement, but it’s also a step away from an unfulfilling lifestyle thru which you endured many bad times and a lot of self-sabotage.

You may have felt like your struggle was like this glorious thing, but really you were just barely getting by, possibly even resorting to scamming, fraud, and other sneaky ways of survival. However, the time has come for your independence to come thru and shine.

(I’m getting the sense here that someone’s friends were encouraging them to steal, or do scams with them? Stealing cars?? Obviously this will not apply to everyone but I guess it applies to someone in The Spot. Stop doing that!)

Some of you may be reminiscing too much on the past, or on a situation that was very emotionally uneven. You had high hopes for this, but it seems like in reality the whole thing may have been non-traditional (possibly just a situationship that never made it off the ground).

You might have even been willing to risk it all for this person! You were really ready to ride or die for them, in sickness & in health and I get the sense that you really felt like y’all had something real and possibly lasting. Well... sorry. Leaving them behind and stepping out into parts unknown would be for the best here.

If you choose to do so, I see you enjoying yourself and finding true self-satisfaction. You’ve recognized that now (or will soon) and you’re ready to venture out in search of a life that brings you joy, happiness, and personal fulfillment.

New friendships and relationships are not built overnight. It may take you 7 weeks to build something new with a new person or group of people. It looks like during these 7 weeks, you may possibly encounter a new love interest as well. Big partner/zaddy energy here. They may be very creative as well.

Some of you may initially walk away from this person due to heartbreak you’ve just recently experienced, but this person really does seem to have hope for y’all. Others of you may feel cold, or hopeless when it comes to love, seeing things with a transactional nature. The other person may end up acting as a benefactor to demonstrate their interest. I see y’all having a very happy home life and making a lot of money together. For this relationship, it’s okay to show the world a little bit of what y’all be doing (posting pics etc), but keep the sexual stuff to yourselves — I get a sense that you’ve gotten in trouble in the past for sharing too much of your sexual life with friends and family so make sure you keep that private & hidden behind closed doors!

I am definitely seeing some of you giving or receiving some help of some sort — a grant? Alternatively, some of you may donate something to someone in need. If you are in need, I see you receiving a sum that will be beneficial.

New love, new adventures, and new money are on their way to you! For some this may come from social media, a court judgement, or perhaps a grant for school. Either way, it will allow you to level up your mindset COMPLETELY — I’m talking about moving from a student of the game to a thought leader in a short period of time.

I see some of you trying to bait people (lovers or friends) for whatever reason lol and I see it working out well lol! Whatever you’re fishing for, I see you catching it! This is divine timing at work.

It looks like some of you are making plans for long-term wealth at this time. You still have a lot to learn, but world trends are working in your favor! I don’t know anything about forex but it may be beneficial for you to learn about either foreign currency, world markets, or major companies in other parts of the world that you can invest in. I’m specifically hearing China, so take that as you will. It looks like you’ll have to play aggressively rather than safely, though. Scared money doesn’t make money!

Figure out ways to protect your assets longterm, this will give you peace of mind as well as growth. If you’re in a relationship, did somebody say pre-nup? Yes, and if not, you should! If you have any assets (including energetic assets), protect them at this time. Protect your peace at all costs! Some of you may be investing in a new security system for your home or new ways to protect yourself, like a dog or a gun.

I see some of y’all enjoying social time with a group where you are the leader. Open communication with the gang, but make sure to take time to yourself as well for self-care. If you are going to lead, make sure everyone is treated fairly. You’re working on your attractiveness as well, and you only want to be surrounded by people who can match your fly. I see that working out for you just fine. Someone might be jealous of you, though, so if you have to be a bitch, make sure to be a bad one!

If you are working on your fitness, please remember that you need to work on your balance, in multiple ways. This may mean physical balance, but also balancing your approach to eating and working out. I don’t think anything extreme is going to work for you; depriving yourself is only going to lead to cheating and sneaky binging later on. Find a steady path and drive it home!

You may have a new idea this week, it looks like it centers around justice, equality, and fairness. This idea will definitely work out for you and I see you becoming a champion of the community as a result!

I’m hearing “Dancing Queen” so maybe some of you were listening to ABBA or watching an ABBA-related film (such as Mama Mia or Fire Saga) recently. You may have sung ABBA recently at karaoke, or maybe this is your karaoke song. Singing karaoke with friends might be good for you this week! Some of you may be dancers, drag performers, strippers, etc, also. If so, definitely picking up on your energy here!

You and 2 or more friends may be planning a get together this week. If so, I see it going really well! Someone’s mom or grandma may open communication with you, or invite you to come hang out near a body of water. It looks like the spread will be bountiful! Just make sure you keep your wits about you and you remain balanced. Your popularity seems to soar this week!

Some of you may meet new friends or a new lover at a party or gathering! It looks like this will be a very romantic union. You might even end up making out in secret, behind closed doors lol 😂.

Remember this: you will come out victorious, no matter what happens this week!

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia, I hope you’re well. Please feel free to ignore this if it’s too personal... but how do you deal with death as a concept when you have the chronic illnesses that you do? Are you afraid to die, and if you are, how do you keep from constantly thinking about how you could die early (so to speak) if your health takes a turn? I’ve had a lot of health scares recently and it’s getting harder and harder to just live without feeling constantly afraid. Thank you for everything you do.

Hi anon!

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your health scares. They suuuuuck. They really suck. I’m replying partly out of solidarity, but I don’t know if I have anything that will really work for you, because sometimes I really struggle to find things that work for me, but I’m happy to share what I’ve picked up along the way. <3 And I hope in the meantime that things pick up for you.

The timing of this is pretty spot on, in that I’m going through pretty serious scanxiety at the moment (what we call ‘anxiety around getting scans for cancer’ in my cancer support group that I’m a member of). I had a full body PET scan two weeks ago (no results yet), and I have a head/neck MRI on Friday, for which I can hopefully get the results Mon/Tuesday. But I don’t have my follow up with my Endocrinologist until late July, so I won’t know for about 6 weeks if I have any new tumours in my abdomen.

I definitely don’t want to die from this disease, and it will probably be the thing that kills me. Not any time soon, that’s less likely, but it’s just...likely overall. A lot of the statistics are stacked against me, I have three primary tumours in my head/neck, and there’s no indication that my body is going to stop growing them, and there’s no cure and likely to be no cure in my lifetime.

So yeah, I get anxious. I am afraid to die (I mean in general, unless I’m suicidal, but also specifically the way this disease is likely to kill me: progressively taking my hearing, my ability to swallow and talk, my ability to move my arms and my head and my neck, my sense of balance and ability to walk upright without collapsing, and more - which doesn’t even count metastatic disease - is a horrible way to die). And I live with the knowledge that like, it literally takes one scan result to change my entire life all over again (hence, scanxiety).

BUT, living in constant fear is just...not helpful. It’s understandable, it is an understandable emotional response, but it’s not a helpful response. Because what matters most in these scenarios is quality of life; and you get quality of life (in chronic illness and acute disease) by managing emotional outcomes as vigilantly and with as much self-compassion (and patience) as possible. So these are the things that work for me, if they don’t work for you, that’s fine, some might even feel completely wrong for you, that’s also fine and normal. The things we tell ourselves to cope in this are deeply personal. I hate the phrase ‘fuck cancer’ for example, other people who have cancer use it as a battle cry and feel strong because of it.

***

* ‘Can I literally do anything more than I’m doing to change the outcomes of my illness without hurting myself? No? Then admit you have no control over this and let it go.’ This is something I tell myself when I start panicking. ‘But what if I get this result what if this happens what if this tumour starts growing again what if.’ I just look at myself sternly and say: ‘HOW is this helpful?’ It’s NOT. Knowing the answers to any of those what ifs changes nothing in the moment except my anxiety, distress and fear levels. And then I say ‘so WHAT would be helpful? What do you have control over?’ And then I might wait and think... ‘well...I really like that Youtube channel One Meal A Day I might watch one of those videos’ or ‘well...I might journal about my feelings and give them some space (see further down) and then try and let them go because just cycling around them isn’t productive.’ Sometimes we hang onto anxiety because our brain convinces us it will somehow be helpful. With this stuff it rarely is.

* WORRY TIME. Yay worry time! Set aside 5-20 minutes a day (or every three days, or once a week, but you might need to start with once a day when things are really bad) to write down ALL of your worries about your illnesses. All the irrational things, the logical things, ALL of it, no matter how embarrassing. And omg, chase those worries down. Really sit and be with your worry. Give it space. Let it speak! But do it with the intention that once those 5-20 minutes are over, that’s it. You’re done. If your worries start up again, say gently to yourself: ‘You told me all of this during Worry Time, but if this is new, please save it for tomorrow, I will give you space to share with me then!’ Treat your worry like a little animal that doesn’t know any better, and has to be taught some boundaries. Worry Time becomes the boundary. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel anxious the rest of the time, just if you do, it’s easier to step back mindfully and go ‘huh, I’m anxious right now, that’s really interesting, but I’m going to do something about that tomorrow, and so for now I’m just going to acknowledge it but I’m going to try not to let it ruin my day.’

* ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be.’ This is Taoism, and some people hate it. I use this most often when I’m in excruciating pain, or terrified, or literally in a panic attack. I don’t know why it helps so much, but it does. And I think it’s because it works like this: ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be. Terrible things are happening all over the world. Other people are feeling pain like I am. Animals and plants go on living and dying. Right now everything in this moment is perfect messy imperfection and I am a part of that, a small cog in a huge ecosystem. I am a part of something, I belong in this, and I hate it - I really hate it - but even that is part of that messy imperfection. It just is. And therefore, I can release any attachment or urgency to change the things that I cannot change.’ And then...I will still be in pain, or having a panic attack, or terrified, but it will feel integrated and connected to me. It will feel like it’s a part of something. Still, ultimately, sometimes useless but...even useless excesses of terror are a part of the messy imperfection of life.

This leads onto the second:

* ‘In this moment, I am okay.’ Not like, literally 100% healthy. I’ll never be that. But I’m okay. I’m okay as a person and a human being who deserves love and comfort, and I’m okay to just grab another minute to feel okay. You can pair this with mindfulness meditation, and Smiling Mind has a great free app, and most of the meditations are between 5-8 minutes long. Sometimes ‘I’m okay’ doesn’t mean ‘I feel okay’ - and that’s okay too! I’m not trying to erase my emotions, I’m not trying to make myself never feel afraid of dying, that is an appropriate response to something that literally threatens my life but isn’t doing it urgently right this second. And because it’s not doing it right this second, well, right this second, I’m okay.

* Goals that have nothing to do with your health. For me, probably pretty obviously, it’s my writing and my art and similar. I have responsibilities towards my loved ones and my animal companions. Sometimes just...putting my head down and getting stuff done helps take my mind off things, and that also makes me feel productive and like I’m more than my illnesses. Socialising is a part of this. You are so much more than your illnesses, but you have to live that way too, that’s your responsibility to yourself, to remember that you are more, and then to embrace that in your actions (I mean, keeping in mind spoons/energy levels), even when you’re not always feeling it.

* Look at the things you can control and shore them up where you can. Like, consider writing a will. One of the things I’ve had to do is consider what I’ll do if I get sick so quickly I can never finish Fae Tales or never write anything again. These practical steps can be distressing, but sometimes they can answer background anxieties you didn’t know you had, and put them to bed. ‘I don’t need to worry about this, I’ve already done this part.’ Sometimes it’s just knowing that every time you see a specialist, you’re going to write down your questions, so you no longer need to worry about forgetting them. Things like that seem little, but they add up as background anxieties we do have control over.

* If you can afford it; Therapy. Depending on your illness/es, there may be support groups. Some are dodgy as shit (Fibromyalgia groups have categorically been the worst spaces I’ve ever encountered for genuine support), but generally speaking for serious illnesses, there are support groups. They can be an incredible resource. I help moderate the Australian/New Zealand Para/Pheo Support Group (there’s only one, lol), and like sometimes it’s depressing (people I care about do, on occasion, die), but knowing I’m not alone, knowing I can get advice about what to ask my surgeons or my Endocrinologists or Oncologists, especially for a rare disease? Fuck that’s so invaluable. And being able to help other people advocate for themselves has been really empowering for me.

* Don’t expect to get rid of your fear or anxiety entirely. If you’re alive and you’re human and you like life, you just can’t do that. So remember that when you’re feeling those things, you’re being a normal human being, and you are not alone (even when you feel like the loneliest person in the world, even that’s a part of it). It won’t fix those things, sometimes you can’t. Some days I just give as like, shit days, it happens. June I’ve given up as kind of a shit month honestly. Am I having good moments? Yes. Am I stressed every day about this disease? YES! Fun times. (I won’t be stressed every day if the scan results show that everything is the same tbh, like, then I’ll go back to ‘normal’ where I rarely think about it).

* Don’t write off the day until the day is over. I used to have this habit (and still can sometimes) of writing off the day as being ‘a bad day’ because of a terrible morning. I actually started this habit as a child, because of trauma and abuse, and it was something I kept doing because of mental illness. So this is something I was doing long before cancer came along and additionally kicked my ass. These days, even though I feel so bad sometimes I feel like hell, my entire life is a write off, I try and keep in mind that one thing can change the tone of the day and make it better. And that ‘thing’ can be me and my choices. And the fact is, even if I try some Youtube videos, or to pet my cats, or talk to friends, or whatever and it doesn’t work, at least I can look back and reassure myself: ‘You’re trying so hard, you’re really trying your best’ and also ‘you know this never lasts, it never has, you still have moments where you feel good, which means you’ll have a moment where you’ll feel good again. It’s okay. I’m okay.’

* Dark humour can be a saviour. Oh boy, can it ever. But be careful who you share it with.

* Gratitude for what you have now, and not what you might not in the future, because the future is an illusion, it’s not here now. But you are. I have a journal where I write down something I’m grateful for every day. Even if I’m feeling cynical and hateful and anxious and bitter. And then I might just say ‘I’m grateful for chips’ or ‘I’m grateful for that nice leaf I saw but nothing else’ lol. Just something. I’m grateful I can still hear, I might not hear one day, but I’m listening to a song right now. That matters. I’m grateful I can walk. I’m grateful I can read this post. I’m grateful I can still write my books despite the mild cognitive brain damage I got from radiation. My gratitude doesn’t always feel warm or nice, but I am still, somewhere, deep down, glad I haven’t lost those things.

***

It’s hard, and many of these things take time to learn, and repetition, and getting back on the wagon when you forget. Some days they won’t help, and some days you’ll be so glad of one 5 minute mindfulness meditation it saves the whole rest of the day for you. Sometimes sleeping is a really good reset tool for the brain.

Some people find Buddhism helpful (all life is suffering can become pretty zen when you’re suffering), I found the philosophy of Taoism helpful on top of my regular paganism.

ANYWAY this post is now...2,200 words long fuck that’s longer than some of my university essays I’M SO SORRY so I’m going to stop. Just, please anon, from the bottom of my heart, be gentle with yourself. It’s hard. This stuff is hard. It requires an unfair amount of effort to make it less hard, but that’s all life gives us, because life never promised to be fair or just or compassionate to us. So we must be fair and just and compassionate to ourselves. And that, in its messy imperfection, is all we can do to be a perfect part of this world. <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #301

“i was waiting for my chance to find the light”

Did you like the beach a lot more as a kid more than you do now? Why/Why not? I did. Everything was more fun as a kid. I never REALLY loved it, though, because I did and still do hate the heat and walking through sand and getting it stuck all over you. It's pretty much torture now because I have extreme difficulty walking through sand. Has there ever been a time where you just couldn't stop crying? Explain. I know I've had days many years ago when my PTSD was truly awful where I'd sob multiple times a day. What's your least favorite time of day? Why don't you like that time?Late afternoon, like around 3-4 or so. By that point I'm usually bored senseless and going downhill. Do you like your lips? Do you enjoy kissing? They're fine, ig. And I mean yeah, if I'm really into the person? Do you like any music from the American Idols? Which ones? Ngl, I don't even remember any besides Kelly Clarkson, and who the FUCK doesn't like "Breakaway." Do you like when people challenge you? If so, in what? No, I get nervous about embarrassing myself. Personally for you, is falling for someone way beyond your control? It is entirely out of my control. What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes? (Ex.twix ) Mostly chocolate stuff, haha. What is your all time FAVORITE milkshake? Ever tried the Reese's Blast from Sonic? That's some A+ shit. What's the latest you've ever stayed up reading a book? No clue. When having a peanut butter & jam sandwich, what is the best kind of jam? Grape. Do you like to write poetry? Yeah, but it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I used to do it aaall the time, but now I have to be seriously motivated and dedicated to the idea. When you get mad do you cry? Absolutely. Would you ever consider modeling? No. I do think one or two model-esque photos of myself would be nice and possibly help my self-confidence, but it's not something I'm seeking out and paying for. Are you scared of crossing bridges? Not very, no. If they're kinda sketchy-looking, I might feel a tad tense, but I'm not really scared of them. Would you consider yourself clumsy? I am unfuckingbelievably clumsy. Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yeah, sometimes Mom would let me and my sisters do that as kids when one came through our neighborhood. Have you ever had a poem or story published? No. If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? If they were of the appropriate age, of course. And if they were getting it done professionally and not at some party drunk with friends. They better be in a sterile environment with someone who knows what they're doing. Do you love guinea pigs? Absolutely. I had three or four as pets when I was a kid. What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? Probably run away from home. Have you ever been chased by a snake? No... and this is a misconception. Snakes don't chase. They go for what they see as the safest escape route, and sometimes they identify your own chosen direction as where they wanted to head, too. Where do you wanna work? I want to be a freelance photographer. What awards have you won? A lot of "A honor roll" trophies through school, among other academic awards. I seriously don't know what happened to that intelligence. I also have dance awards and lots of childhood sports team stuff. Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I don't think I am, no. I'm way too nervous and awkward around kids. I've had to babysit for my sister twice though, and Ashley told me the kids had lots of fun and had no complaints. I guess like... I can do it, I am just very, very uncomfortable taking kids under my wing. I worry about leading them in the wrong direction. How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn't date them? I don't know, it would really depend on how much I was into the person. I generally stick with the approximation of a ten year gap though being my limit, so I think maybe him being in his mid-30s would make me feel a bit too weird. Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No, but quite honestly, I'd probably try an edible. I refuse to smoke anything for my lungs' sake. I'm curious if medical marijuana would actually be beneficial for me. Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? No, but uh... I have, lol. It's how I broke up with my "puppy-dog love" boyfriend in middle school. Literally after he asked me if I was thinking of breaking up with him, and I said no before handing him the note because I was just too scared to do it to his face. I know, that was absolutely awful. Never, ever do that to the most innocent boy ever, kids. He didn't deserve that. Do you have sensitive teeth? Kinda. What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I've only ever had detention once for having too many tardies to my first class of the day in high school. We'd frequently arrive to school just a few minutes late because I was fucking impossible to drag out of bed. Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes. Do you suffer from nasal allergies? Yes. What's your favorite kind of pudding? I only really like chocolate pudding. Have you done anything really interesting lately? I guess you could consider starting a virtual partial hospitalization program "interesting." It's not the intensive version like my first was, but rather being shorter. I just really need something to get my mental health back on the tracks. What’s the latest really fun thing you’ve done? REALLY fun? Hell if I know. I don't experience "fun" a lot at all anymore... I only ever feel like, this watered down, unenthusiastic sorry excuse for it. Have you discovered any good music lately? Oh yeah, I've found lots of 3TEETH songs I'm mad into. "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli is also a total bop. How about any good new television shows? No. Or perhaps some interesting books? Nothing new, no. Have you picked up a new hobby or learned a new skill? I mean, within what timespan? Nothing lately, really. Has anybody ever done your makeup for you? Yeah. Do you own any sparkly items of clothing? No. What’s the most colorful accessory you own and use? *shrug* Do you enjoy drag artists’ work? If so, name some of your favorites. Oh yes, I have wild respect for drag queens. I don't know enough of them to have a fair favorite, but I do watch Trixie Mattel on YouTube and he is a goddamn hoot. What, right now, is the best thing in your life? Um. I don't really know. Probably the fact my mother still lets my too-big-for-the-nest ass to live with her... I don't want to picture how my life would be if I didn't have her still essentially holding my hand. What’s a place you like to go to when you need to get away for a bit? I actually love car rides for this, so long as I can ride passenger and just blare my music and not talk. It's so odd, being afraid of driving but finding great freedom and comfort in just... going. Do you like apples? I love apples. Anything exciting coming up for you in the near future? I paid the deposit for my tattoo appointment, so it was officially scheduled in May!! I was expecting an open date to be kinda far with just how amazing this parlor is, so I wasn't too shocked to hear I have to wait a few months, but man I can hardly wait. When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? Unless it's for a "professional" site, in which case I'd use my actual name, I just about without fail with use "Ozzkat," or replace the "o" with a zero if that's somehow taken. Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? Which ex? What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Southern. Does history interest you at all? Can't say it does. What's something you wish you could do-over? There are many things, man. Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? Neither, really. The left side of my head is very short/shaved, and as the hair goes around to the right, it gets longer. There aren't "layers," though. Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? I wouldn't say afraid, but with my sister's road rage and serious tail-gating issue, riding with her can make me nervous. What's something you're very good at? Um, I guess creative writing. Do you like sour gummy worms? oh FUCK yeah Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? No. I am way too paranoid for that shit. Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? Uhhh I'm going to assume you mean this in a sexual context, in which case I don't care so long as it's not in a visible spot. How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? The answer used to be a shitload, and seeing as I'm in my room most of the time, I still feel like that's kind of true, but since Mom's cancer diagnosis and she had to stop working, she's usually home with me. I like it that way, though. Total isolation is bad for me. Do you have a trampoline? Nah, haven't in many years. What's your favorite Pixar movie? Finding Nemo. What is the strangest thing you've been asked? Something sexual that made me extremely uncomfortable. What’s the weirdest thing about life that people just accept as normal? The fact we put so much worth into pieces of green paper. What's the most random thing you've done out of boredom? *shrug* What show did your parents not let you watch as a kid? There weren't any specific shows that we even wanted to watch that Mom forbade us to see... I mean she certainly wouldn't let my sisters and I watch something like South Park as little kids, but none of us really sought unsuitable shows out. We were all about Disney, Nick, and Animal Planet in my case. What is the most pleasurable feeling that doesn't involve anything sexual? What comes to mind first is a big hug from someone who makes you feel safe when you don't anywhere else. What was your last "oops, wrong person" moment? I'm going to assume I sent somebody a text meant for another person. I'm super careful about avoiding stuff like this because I get horribly embarrassed, so it's difficult to recall the last time I slipped up. What do you find attractive that isn't considered "normal" attraction? Having a broad imagination and drive to create. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done drunk? N/A What's something you really enjoy, but can't have? A pet tarantula because Mom refuses to let me lmao. I'm so into them now and desperately want a Grammastola pulchra. What Wikipedia article have you recently read? I haven't read any recently. What subject should be taught at schools, but isn't? Basic adulting and financial skills. What is the worst game you've ever played? I dunno. I've played sooooo many video games throughout my life. What tragic event was coincidentally beneficial to you? My overdose because it led to an intensive partial hospitalization program that totally changed my life. What did you think was cool when you were younger that you now think isn’t? Good question... What are your favorite or most memorable lines from any movie/show? I vaguely remember the concepts of some quotes, but not well enough to recite them. None that are seriously memorable or heavy pop up in my head now. What's a good example of 'Don't knock it till you try it'? Putting peanut butter on top of waffles with syrup. It is fucking delicious. What's your go-to get pumped up song? 5FDP's cover of "Mama Said Knock You Out" is badass HYPE. What's the dumbest thing your parents have said or done? Well, through a family assessment before my current partial hospitalization could begin, I very recently learned my dad fucking did drugs before my sisters and I were born, including shit like cocaine. That was great to suddenly learn. As for my mom... probably have a kid too young? She doesn't talk very much about her eldest daughter's history with (and without) her, but I know enough to know that was a very rocky time in her life. What are some things you wish existed? Cures for countless illnesses, and I also have SUUUUUCH a yearning for some kind of technology that could copy an image in your head onto a drawing device. If only I could draw how/what I see up there... Which person shaped you the most? Jason. Or Mom. What’s the one movie you couldn’t finish? Why? Couldn't tell you; I just haven't watched enough. What's a small thing you have a big passion for? Meerkats, quite literally with "small" lmao. What change have you made recently to help the environment? I have metal straws I try to remember to bring with me if I go out to eat. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? The way Jason left. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I sometimes question if I truly have forgiven Jason. I lean kinda heavily towards yes, I have, I'm just bitter about it all regardless. Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? No. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? I can't think of anything off the top of my head. What is the greatest longing of your heart? To feel purpose. Who was your first love? Some guy in high school who "had" to talk to me upon seeing me the first time, only to wind up wanting to hear nothing from me later on down the line. What denomination is your church (if you go)? N/A What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? This most recent election, actually. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? I used to worry it would happen in my lifetime, but now I don't. If it ends, it ends. I ain't got much to lose nowadays. What is unfair about your life? My mental health. My financial position. I'd rather not focus on the billion shitty things going on in my life rn, so next question. Did you write love poems when you were younger? ugh Who are you jealous of and why? There's a lot of people I'm in some way envious of, honestly. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yes. Thankfully nothing major happened. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

[mymoonjin1]

Chris Chibnall ruined Doctor Who

Doctor Who sucks now. I’m sorry for starting this off with such a blatant statement, but we all know it’s true. And this angers me so, so much, because it used to be one of my all-time favorite shows, and now with a female lead it had so much potential, lost in shitty writing. Here we go.

I have to admit, I used to be one of the people against changing the Doctor’s gender. I thought it would be weird, that they were only doing it for PC reasons, etc. I changed my mind since then, but needless to say, I remained disappointed. I think that a female Doctor would have been a refreshing take on the character, it would have shut up people (like me at the time) and it would have made a lot more people take interest in Doctor Who. Jodie’s era could have been amazing, magical and revolutionary. But alas, here we are.

Jodie Whittaker’s first episode was watched by a little over 14 million people if I recall correctly. But why did the show fail in keeping that number? Simple: the writing sucks. Chris Chibnall is not a good showrunner. He took elements he knew of Doctor Who and tried to copy them, without understanding what made them special.

Let’s start with character development. The Doctor. There was a moment in Spyfall when Yaz says: “what would the Doctor do?”, and for the longest moment I thought… “what would this Doctor do?”, which is NOT something I should be thinking this far in Jodie’s run as the Doctor. It’s all been oh’s, wow’s, unnecessary exposition and not a single truly emotional moment, one that makes me feel like I know or relate to this Doctor. I feel like they tried to make a sort of female Eleven without everything that made him special. Jodie said multiple times “yeah, I can play an alien”, and of course, she could have. But the problem it’s not just about playing an alien. The Doctor is an extremely complex character, with extremely complex emotions. Emotions we are yet to see from her. And I am not saying she isn’t a great actress. I absolutely loved her in Broadchurch, a show that was also run by Chibnall. She is capable of showing emotional range. So why hasn’t she? Shitty writing. My guess? Chibnall is scared of criticism saying that this Doctor (a woman) is too emotional, criticism that wouldn’t have existed in previous Doctors' incarnations. Which is bullshit, and also leads me to my next point: the companions.

Having three companions may have sounded good in paper, but the reality is that none of them has had enough screen time to properly develop as characters. My guess? In the eyes of Chibnall (and probably the BBC, I don’t know), a team would lessen the controversy around the new Doctor. But they didn’t bother with them.

If someone asked you to describe Yaz or Ryan’s personality, what would you say? …Exactly. The only one worth watching is Graham, and even he hasn’t had a proper storyline. They tried to show more of their struggles in Can You Hear Me?, but here’s the thing. It is far too late in their arcs for this. At this point, it just felt way too forced. As someone with depression, It would have been great to see more of Yaz’s struggles with it, but just one episode is not nearly enough. Also, she connected with a police officer who we are never going to see again! Don’t you think it would’ve been better to see this development in her relationship with the Doctor? NONE of them have a strong friendship with her. They just say she’s amazing because she takes them places and shit. Not because they actually want to spend time with her. What are Yaz’s reasons to be there? She wanted to be more than just a cop that gave tickets, she wanted to help people, yet she just…left? And she has mentioned being a cop like, once since then. How does this make any sense?

Ryan was supposed to have dyspraxia, which hasn’t been mentioned since the bike thing, I think. It would have been great to see this being an actual part of his character and seeing him coping with it whilst traveling around in space and having dangerous adventures. But nope, they completely forgot about it, as well as his Youtube channel. Also, what are his motivations, his ambitions? Why is he there? In Can You Hear Me? we learn about his friend’s struggles with mental health, but again, shouldn’t it have had more impact coming from Ryan? A character we are supposed to care about at this point?

As for Graham, like I said, he’s the one with a more formed personality. He’s a goofball, he worries about the “kids” of the group, he’s a father figure. Great. But the problem is they presented him as wanting to travel with the Doctor to get over his grief, but they hardly show any of it. And there wasn’t any hint throughout the first season of him having any sort of thirst for revenge, so him wanting to kill Tim Shaw just came out of nowhere. But my biggest problem this season, was when he was opening up with the Doctor about his fear of his cancer returning and she just… said: “I’m sorry, I’m still socially awkward”???? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? There’s been plenty of times that we’ve seen this awkwardness. It is ALL we’ve ever seen from this Doctor. This was NOT the time to say this. This could have been a beautiful way for them to connect, to show more of the Doctor’s emotional side, yet what we got was a “suffer in silence bro, I’m so awkward lol”. REALLY? The Doctor has always shown compassion. Even if they don’t understand what their companions are going through, they are always there for them. Why would the writers think this was a good idea? It’s infuriating. 

I’ve been watching a LOT of Youtube videos talking about why Chibnall’s run has been a disaster. I really liked one called “Is the Doctor a hypocrite?”, by B-WHERE. In the video, they essentially say that this Doctor’s moral compass is a mess. In Arachnids in the UK, for example, she somehow thinks locking up all of the spiders and letting the queen die suffocating is more humane than just killing them quickly, which is what the villain does in the end. Ummm? Okay? Listen, the Doctor has always faced difficult moral decisions, even scary ones, like in the Family of Blood two-parter. But as the video says, they’ve never claimed to have moral superiority. And maybe this could have been a more distinctive flaw in the character, a flaw that maybe her companions saw and disagreed with. Like Ten’s wake up call at the end of Waters of Mars. But no. Again, it’s just plain shitty writing.

Ok. Now... The Timeless Children. Jesus Christ. There are so, so many reasons this was the worst thing to ever happen to Doctor Who, but y’all are probably wishing for this rant to be over, so I’ll just mention two.

In over fifty years, we’ve NEVER needed an origin story for The Doctor. The show is called “Doctor Who” for a reason, the question that should never be answered. And they just go and shit all over one of the most beloved sci-fi shows of the twentieth century in a single episode. Again, this is mentioned in several videos, but I thought the same thing right after watching the episode: making the Doctor another “chosen one” goes against everything the show represented. The Doctor was an ordinary alien who was not very good at the Academy, ran away with a stolen TARDIS because he disagreed with the Time Lords way, and couldn’t even control where the TARDIS would go at first. The Doctor is an idiot in a box. The Doctor helps because he wants to; because it’s decent and kind. ANYONE could be like the Doctor. And now, it turns out he’s always been special. The Doctor is the reason why Time Lords regenerate. The character is basically a god now. Why is this a bad thing? This changes EVERYTHING, and yet, it WILL CHANGE NOTHING going forward. Ruth’s Doctor says so herself, it doesn’t change who the Doctor is. Oh, but it does. It changes who the Doctor WAS. None of it matters now, none of their sacrifices, it meant nothing. That’s what makes this so heartbreaking. And I had so much faith in this season. I actually enjoyed a few episodes, like Nicola Tesla’s Night of Terror. I thought they were going down the right path. But Chris Chibnall has ruined my favorite show in just one episode. My only comfort is that there’s still plenty of Classic Who episodes I haven’t watched. Those will be the ones I’ll look forward to. 

(Also, that’s nOT HOW REGENERATION WORKS! IT DOESN’T BRING TIME LORDS BACK TO LIFE! IT HEALS/PREVENTS THEM FROM DYING WHEN THEY’RE IN PHYSICAL DANGER. GOD, CHRIS, WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!) Okay, rant over, deep breaths. Thanks for reading!

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 17: Stranger Beside You

SPOILERS and thoughts ahead.

0:13 - How freaking creepy is this? She just pops up from the floor. Did Malcolm not see her there as he was approaching? Why didn’t he acknowledge her presence as he approached? ALSO - he’s excited about muffins? Does that mean muffins are one of the only foods he eats? I find this surprising. ALSO - last episode we learned that Malcolm can’t cook…why does he have a muffin tin? I know this is a dream but still.

0:45 - Ok. Story time. I watched this episode when it premiered. It was the first week I had moved home from university since the whole COVID-19 stuff. My younger brother (20) and my mom (45) who have never seen this show decided to watch it with me. Ugh. Our family dynamic is generally a lot of sarcasm and teasing. I’m the only one in the family interested in crime shows/whump. When Malcolm said “This is when the scary thing usually happens.” both of my family members started cackling like buffoons. For the next week my brother quoted that line to me. They both now tease me for loving this show so much…so that happened.

1:18 - This is kind of sweet. I don’t like Eve but I like seeing Malcolm this happy.

1:56 - This is such a good sibling conversation. Ainsley is setting Malcolm straight. I know Malcolm is right but honestly - Ainsley has a point. Malcolm has a tendency to accidentally sabotage his own relationships because he can’t trust people and he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love.

3:15 - Look at this. Just. Look. JT is happy to see Malcolm. They’re bantering like brothers. This relationship has blossomed and I’m so happy…also I google “sip and see” because I really wanted them to be fake. They sound ridiculous, but they’re real. IDK. I don’t have kids but it seems crazy to organize a big fancy party right after you give birth. Invite friends and family over - sure. Order a pizza and a cake. But hang out in something comfy and keep it casual. Maybe that’s just me. IDK.

3:42 - Malcolm’s projecting again. “Perfect can be an allusion.” Honestly. Is he even aware that he does this?! Also, is he projecting about his childhood or his relationship with Eve. Either way, I’m concerned for him….though I do like how happy he’s looking right now.

3:47 - hahaha OMG. “With the stiff!” Gil is so done.

4:30 - I thought this was interesting. 1) Do dead bodies actually do that? Compress? Huh. Cool. 2) I like the way that Edrisa and Malcolm are so totally absorbed in how cool/weird the cause of death was that neither of them notice Edrisa’s hand on Malcolm’s chest. 3) Gil pointing out Edrisa’s hand makes things a little awkward - but honestly I see it as a gentle warning. He knows that Edrisa is socially awkward. She’s not in trouble and he’s not mad. He’s just reminding her that stuff like that isn’t appropriate.

5:04 - Watching this after realizing that Tally is pregnant brings a whole new weight to all of JT’s comments. Every time he mentions babies, baby swag, moms - he looks either scared, stressed (because money), or excited. It’s freaking precious.

6:15 - “It’s a cloud of love. Nothing to be ashamed of.” Again. More proof that Malcolm is an A+ adult male. Who speaks like that?

7:05 - Do I need to be scared about Dani now too? I do not like the way that Martin says her name. Wait. Is Martin going to go after every person that takes Malcolm’s time away from visiting him? I can totally see it. Martin escaping - killing Gil for replacing him as Malcolm’s Dad. Killing Jessica for trying to keep Malcolm from him. Killing JT, Dani, and Edrisa for being his friends. Can’t decide if he’d kill Ainsley…

7:41 - HOW is this show so dark and yet so funny?!?!

8:20 - I know that Malcolm knows that Tally is pregnant…but after the pizza roll comment there’s no way Gil and Dani don’t suspect. Look at their faces!!! And the way JT looks down way too quickly. He’s clearly hiding something.

8:55 - Look at Gil’s face. He’s concerned and a little scared. I am too. What the hell does Malcolm mean by “Mom’s love me”?!?! Is this some weird sex thing?

9:05 - Dani is a queen. We stan. She is the friend Malcolm deserves. I especially love the fact that later we find out that she told JT about this conversation. As though she thought Malcolm needed “guy advice”.

10:00 - Yo. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Kids are not a fashion statement - they are human beings who need to be nurtured and loved.

11:10 - So, I don’t usually like it when Ainsley snoops around for a story and gets all determined - but this time I do.

12:00 -  Does Ainsley really not understand that what she did was a total invasion of privacy?!? She doesn’t look sorry. At all. The fact that Ainsley actually talks to Eve about it is kind of awful too? Like it’s one thing to do a background check on someone - it’s another thing to talk to them, unprovoked, about what you found. 

12:12 - Poor Jessica. She looks upset. Between her two “socially bizarre” children ( lol ) she really has a hard time making friends. Although…..I will admit. It’s a little weird that Jessica is making friends with a woman young enough to date her son. 

 12:32 - Soooo this means that Malcolm has an instagram account (at least a fake one for work anyways). I feel like Malcolm is one of the people who don’t have a personal instagram account. Because a) he has like 3 friends and b) he doesn’t strike me as the type of person to take pictures of food, people, events, or himself. 

 12:40 - So Malcolm’s sitting at that desk again…..forget about the gitb… I want to solve the desk mystery (and the mystery of JT’s name). 

12:57 - Damn it JT! We were about to get a super awesome father/son moment. Ugh. When I said I wanted the writers to give JT more screen time I didn’t mean this. 

13:13 - Aww…look at how proud Dani is of herself. Girl made a cool discovery and she’s proud/excited about it. <3 

13:22 - ARE YOU KIDDING ME. We finally get a good look at the desk from the front. No name plate in view?!? UGH. This is killing me. 

13:33 - hahaha look at these faces! JT looks confused/freaked out that Malcolm knows so much about babies feeding habits. Dani looks so annoyed that she’s been put on Malcolm babysitting duty again. I don’t blame her. Gil is always making her babysit Malcolm. JT never has to take a turn. 

 13:55 - The most annoying thing about this episode is that we never find out how Alessa cut her arm. It’s a weird place on your arm to get a cut and I’m curious about it. 

 14:35 - I respect Malcolm a LOT in this scene. He’s asking some tough (but necessary) questions. He’s calm, kind, and respectful. He’s not minimizing Alessa’s stress, her loss, or her devotion to her daughter.

16:30 - Soooo if Christine’s (ex) husband lives in Canada - does that mean he’s Canadian (or dual citizen)? Or does he just have a work permit? I’m curious about what that means for Christine’s citizen status. I find this odd though - even if Christine isn’t Canadian - if she was last seen in Canada and her husband reported her missing - the RCMP would’ve been looking for her. They NYPD would know that. Although - she is using a fake name. Huh. There’s a reason I’m not in law enforcement. People are too crafty. I’ll stick to math. 

 17:55 - Look how mad JT looks that Christine tried to abduct Nina….he’s going to be such an overprotective, good dad. <3 

18:25 - This is a really cool moment. This scene is the first since 1x9 when JT and Malcolm have a heart-to-heart. JT also gives Malcolm some really good relationship advice. Damn. No wonder JT’s been married for 7 years. He gets it. 

 18:55 - I love how manic Malcolm looks and how concerned JT looks when Malcolm goes off on his little rant about being a suspicious person. I wonder if JT is wondering why Malcolm trusts Gil, Dani, Edrisa, and himself? They are, by all means, good things in Malcolm’s life. Is he suspicious of them? 

19:25 - Does Martin know about Malcolm’s sensitive stomach? I’m really curious. 

 19:44 - This scene is awesome. Malcolm is sad, upset, a little anxious, and angry (at Martin) throughout the scene. Martin, even though he is a crazy serial killer, actually gives Malcolm some good relationship advice. I guess it makes sense. Martin could never have tricked Jessica into marrying him unless he acted like a perfect, good dude with good relationship skills. 

20:04 - Martin actually believes he was a perfect father? Nope. I can’t. Any parent who genuinely believes that should have a psych eval. No one is perfect. Parents aren’t excluded from this rule. 

 20:56 - This is such a powerful moment. You can see how pleased Martin is because he got through the Malcolm. You can see how desperately Malcolm wants to love his father and how painfully aware Malcolm is of who his father is and how much he despises it. Malcolm shouldn’t have to remind himself to hate his father. No one should. Watching Malcolm grapple with that (through his facial expressions) is heart-wrenching. He actually looks close to tears for a moment. ALSO screw Martin for still trying to manipulate Malcolm into loving him. 

 22:10 - I’ll just say it. We’re all thinking it anyways. Malcolm’s soft voice when he’s confused is so freaking cute. 

23:08 - Look at JT’s face during this scene. He just about had a freaking heart attack. I feel soooo bad for him. I can only imagine how bad he feels. Gil gave him one (1) job: protect the baby. JT’s probably thinking, “If I can’t even protect this stranger’s baby - how will I ever protect my baby? Will I be a bad father?” Someone give this man a hug for me.

23:25 - Look at the way JT touches the infant to make sure she’s real. That is a man who is on the verge of a panic attack. 

 24:00 - AND now JT is worrying about Tally’s health throughout her impending pregnancy. Good Lord. What a rollercoaster he’s on tonight.

25:25 - Concerned!Gil for the win! Gil hasn’t been around Malcolm much this episode. Yes - Malcolm is obviously upset right now, but it makes me wonder if Jessica and/or Ainsley have called Gil because they’re concerned about Malcolm right now. Did they call Gil and ask him to send Malcolm home? 

 26:25 - Look at that. Malcolm looks crushed. Not surprised just disappointed. He truly believes that he’s not worthy of love. Eve just confirmed it for him. I honestly don’t know how this dude will ever trust any romantic partner ever again. My heart is shattered. 

26:43 - Look at how brave he’s being. He’s trying to mask his pain with a smile and a self-deprecating joke as usual. Problem is - his eyes look tortured and he’s trying to lie to the two women who know him best. They see through his mask and they’re concerned for him. 

27:00 - Ainsley is such a strange character to me. Right now as she tells Malcolm about Eve, she is looking at Malcolm with dread, concern, and determination. In 1x7/1x10 she publicly embarrassed him and revealed his personal, private details with the world - without remorse. I know that Ainsley is really obsessed with the progression of her career. However, it shouldn’t blind her to the emotions of her big brother. Ainsley needs therapy. 

 27:08 - soooo Eve has a key to Malcolm’s place? After two(ish) weeks? For a dude who doesn’t trust easily this seems like a stretch. I’m choosing to believe that Malcolm left the door open when he saw Ainsley and Jessica. 

 27:15 - THIS is so important. Jessica’s “How could you?”. See her face? She’s devastated. The first female friend she’s had in probably 20 years just stabbed her in the back. To make matters worse, this woman also just broke the heart of Jessica’s very emotionally vulnerable son - thereby also breaking Jessica’s heart. Furthermore - Jessica is definitely already paying rent in the self-loathing hotel because she traumatized her children because she married a serial killer. NOW she’s also dealing with the guilt of knowing that she’s the one who brought Eve into Malcolm’s life. That look hurt or devastation on Jessica’s face which later transforms into rage and hatred is haunting. Props to Bellamy Young. 

27:26 - This. Look at Malcolm’s face. Eve looks like she’s close to tears. Malcolm is looking at her with compassion. Yes - you can tell that Malcolm is devastated and hurt by Eve. However, he also clearly empathizes with her. Again. Malcolm. Bright. Is. An. A+. Dude. Fight me.

27:40 - Can we all just pause for a second and praise Tom Payne’s acting in this scene? He captured the raw emotion of a trauma induced panic attack perfectly. Look at how utterly broken Malcolm is. Hands shaking on his head. Tears in his eyes. Ragged breathing. Followed by a brief angry outburst which leads to more shaky, anxious breathing and eyes on the verge of tears. The end result is physical and emotional exhaustion. 

 27:45 - Ainsley looks shocked and a little scared by Malcolm’s outburst. Has she (HIS SISTER) never seen him have a panic attack? They grew up together. I refuse to believe it. Ainsley shouldn’t look shocked - she should look sad and resigned to it. 

 28:06 - This is heartbreaking. Malcolm genuinely thinks that there is something about him that makes him unlovable. I know he’s already in therapy - but they need to stop focusing on his trauma for a hot second and focus on his self-worth issues. I aM nOt OkAy. 

 28:22 - Can we all just take a minute to appreciate Dani Powell. She has been such a good friend to Malcolm. Probably the first true friend Malcolm’s had since he was 10 years old. Even in the midst of extreme emotional turmoil a work-related text from Dani makes Malcolm smile. Because Malcolm knows that Dani  - a woman who isn’t related to him and has no obvious crush on him - doesn’t hate him. In fact - she likes him enough to be his friend. Right now that’s enough. That’s a big comfort to Malcolm. 

 28:36 - This is sheer panic on Jessica’s part. Check out those eyes. She just saw pure self-loathing and anger in her son’s eyes. She’s terrified for him. Maybe this look is reminding her of a look he got as a teenager when he became suicidal (it’s my headcanon that Malcolm had a period of active suicidal ideation as a teenager)? 

 28:40 - “I can’t solve this.” Is Malcolm referring to himself here? I mean - he clearly thinks that he is the problem; despite the fact that Eve came into his family’s life with the intention of getting information on his serial killing father. Ugh. His sad eyes and messy hair (that tends to indicate Malcolm is in severe emotional distress) is breaking my heart. 

 28:54 - Ok. So - who is this woman? How did Christine find her? Why did Christine go to her? It doesn’t look like a women’s shelter - it looks like a random lady’s residential home. 

 29:00 - Again. Let’s all praise Queen Dani. The bestest friend this dude has ever had.  She just goes out and asks him what’s wrong. She’s concerned about him BECAUSE she knows he’s upset about something.

29:20 - I love that Malcolm is comfortable enough around Dani to be honest with her about the really hard stuff in his life. Look at how sad Malcolm looks here. Look at Dani’s reaction. She isn’t judging him or pitying him. She isn’t pushing him to talk. She’s just supporting him. She’s a little shocked, a lot upset on his behalf, but mostly she’s just concerned. She’s being a good friend and I love her for it. 

 29:36 - Lucas is a scum. Anyone who abuses a spouse, child, or family member has a special spot reserved in hell. 

 29:52 - Look at Dani as Christine tells her story. She’s sympathetic, respectful, and concerned. Either this isn’t the first time Dani’s been around a battered woman on the job or Dani has personal experience with abuse. Maybe a friend/family member was abused? Hell - maybe Dani had an abusive boyfriend or something? 

30:20 - I really respect Malcolm in this scene. He knows that women who are fresh out of an abusive relationship (or still in one) with a male are weary of men. Usually, when Malcolm gets this type of information about a case he starts speaking quickly, loudly, and intensely. He starts gesturing a lot with his hands. IN THIS SCENE - Malcolm reigns himself in. He stays relatively calm and still as he speaks. He knows that his usual hand-gesturing and loud voice would terrify a woman who was just beaten by a man who was supposed to love her. This. Is. A. Good. Dude.

31:10 - Malcolm just shows Dani his cracked phone screen. I’m curious - does she ever ask about it? I’d like to hear that conversation. 

33:05 - I LOVE THIS. Gil is terrified for a) Malcolm but b) Alessa and Nina too. This is a side of Gil I’d like to see more often. ALSO notice that the second that JT realizes that Gil is suffering from a parental panic attack he floors it. JT is going to be a good Dad. <3 He knows how to love and he has a big heart. That’s the most important thing. 

 34:34 - Again. Malcolm is currently displaying empathy and sympathy for a murderer. This dude has the biggest heart in the world. 

35:45 - Alessa is a badass. Nina is a lucky little girl. 

36:04 - I love this scene. Gil looks so relieved that Malcolm is in one (mostly unharmed) piece. He’s so proud of Malcolm for keeping Alessa and Nina safe. I’m certain that Jessica and/or Ainsley called Gil about Malcolm’s panic attack which exacerbated Gil’s worry over Malcolm.

37:07 - THE SCENE. The scene. This scene is easily my favourite of the episode. I love watching JT and Malcolm’s friendship in real time. Look right here this is two guys chatting about how cool someone is. <3 Look at how happy and proud JT is of a woman he just met. I promise you he’s thinking about how awesome and badass of a mother his wife is going to be. 

 37:28 - JT’s scared face coupled with his softly spoken “Dude.” stops my heart. It’s as though talking to someone other than his wife makes the baby seem like more of a scary, real responsibility. You can tell that he’s excited but still terrified about fatherhood. He’s not quite ready to tell people yet. 

37:37 - “The thing’s the size of a peanut.” - I googled it: Tally is about 9 weeks pregnant. ALSO how freaking cute is it that JT is so excited about his unborn child that he knows how big it is. <3 I can just see him panic researching about pregnancy and caring for infants in the middle of the night while Tally sleeps. <3 

 37:44 - He doesn’t want to jinx it? Does that mean he and Tally have had trouble getting pregnant in the past? Miscarriages? Infertility? Or is JT just scared from everything he’s been researching about pregnancy? Either way - if Tally looses this child I will riot. 

37:50 - “You don’t do happy.” - Malcolm’s face twists into a look of hurt and sadness. He genuinely believes JT’s words - even though JT meant them as a joke. JT sees that too because he immediately starts teasing Bright. JT is concerned about Malcolm. 

38:39 - So Eve does have a key. Nope. Not cool. Not in-line with Malcolm’s trust issues. I refuse to believe it. 

 39:11 - I hate watching Malcolm be this sad. Look at his nose. It’s just a little red - he’s been crying. His fragile ability to trust has been shattered again and Eve’s apology is quite honestly not very good. 

39:45 - Can we all just pause on Malcolm’s shirt? It looks like the orange sweater Gil wore in 1x13. Did they go shopping together? Did Malcolm buy the shirt because it reminded him of Gil? Does he only wear it when he feels sad because the fact that it reminds him of Gil comforts him

40:35 - What’s the story of Eve’s Dad? What’s his deal? 

41:40 - I’m really proud of Malcolm for being brave enough to face the truth and have this really difficult conversation with Eve. 

43:09 - Ok. I’ll say it. Malcolm is too nice. This woman shattered his heart last night and now he’s hugging her? Bro - you don’t have to do that. You’re allowed to be upset. You’re letting her walk all over you. 

Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. 

[pantsusnifferr]

2019, healed up and ready to work towards a better 2020

As per the tradition I started last year, (haha can barely be called a tradition with it only being a year old.) am gonna be writing down my thoughts and reflections about the previous year, before penning down my thoughts and goals for the year looking forward.

Even though I had a lot of goals last year (maybe some more optimistic than others) some which I ultimately didn’t accomplish, I still managed to hit some those goals and accomplish a lot more!

These are the goals I had last year:

1. BE SERIOUS WITH ART

2. BE HEALTHIER (SUCCESS)

3. MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS (SUCCESS AND MORE!)

4. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE (LOL)

5. LEARN NIP SPEAK

6. LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE BASS

7. RESTART YOUTUBE/TWITCH

8. TAKE STEPS TO IMPROVE BUSINESS (Succ)

Maybe I’m casting my net too wide, maybe I wasn’t exactly serious about those goals in the first place...who knows?

But the fact that I came into 2019 as an unhealthy, Lonely wreck with a crazily unstable business, and emerged from it with double the sales of last year, drastically improved health (still fat though haha) and people whom i care about (and i hope they care about me too), is a really comfy feeling altogether.

2019 is really a roller coaster with its fair share of ups and downs but I’d like to think that the past year alone has presented me with a lot of opportunities that i have thankfully taken. (As opposed to the me a couple of years before who’d stupidly let these opportunities pass as i would be too lazy or couldn’t be arsed.) Watching a friend of mine do the things she wanted without fear of the unknown just made me want to try more and live more!

Health ♥

I started the year badly when my endocrinologist told me that i might develop diabetes over the next couple of years if i didn’t take care of my health properly. I was already a doomer about my health at that point, thinking that everything would be too hard to do and it was probably too late for me to do anything about it....in hindsight perhaps it was because i probably needed that kick in the balls to get my arse off to do something about it.

It was only until a couple of months down the road i had a skin cancer + kidney failure health scare that got me wanting to better my health. Now THAT was the perfect kick in the nuts i needed. At the moment, health issues wasn’t the only thing that was coursing through my mind. I WANTED TO LIVE.

Perhaps it was the realisation that i haven’t really lived at all, perhaps it was the realisation that my life was in a mess and i wasn’t satisfied. Maybe its the realisation that i lack control in my life all these times.

I don’t really know to be honest, all i know is it made me want to try. To try to live more to try to be healthier...afterall there’s nothing wrong with trying right?

So i started with my diet, and i found out that counting calories and eating healthy food actually isn’t that bad at all! In fact a lot of my favourite meals are actually pretty healthy! Just gotta cut out the garbage...

And Running! Oh my god...it isn’t like how PE classes were like back in Primary or secondary school! Couch to 5k is really fun to do and I’m so Glad my friends whom offered to teach me how to gym back then are open to the idea of me joining them again. Also went hiking with other friends and hit the gym together with them too!

All in all I’ve lost about 17kg in total and I’m on the track to lose even more in this coming year. Also i ended the year with my lab reports where my blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol and kidneys is healthy and fine!!

School 🏫

So 2019 is also the year which I’ve started school for the first time in 4 years...(haha 8 years if you don’t count NYP and their ‘school’ stuff. I felt surprisingly at ease during my lessons and studying for the exams, (granted i missed a couple of assignments if not i would’ve gotten an A for my marketing module grrr)

Still, i should study a little harder and not rely on the power of last min cramming aaa..

That being said, things will be looking forward as Long as i could keep my grades up!

3.6 GPA though, 73% reee

ART 🎨

Haha i drew Peni Parker this year...Didn’t sell any though, but it still remains one of my proudest pieces as of yet. Also i did a reprint of the Sayori keychain and I sold out for another year! Yay!

I’m Glad i got to meet new friends and some other anons who’re in the pursuit of doing art. A little disappointed that i didn’t go further into it last year but here’s to a better art year in 2020 yeah?

FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS 🐝

Managed to be a better person overall and fixed my personal insecurities, made new friends and found closer friends with those who’re important to me. I tried to be more outgoing and open minded with the people i meet and to the people around me. Hanging out with friends, trying new things and working with each other to grow as people is something I’d want to do even more in the coming year.

I am so Glad i found people who’re as like minded as me. Online and offline, in the beginning of this year, a friend from Finland came over to visit Singapore and i hung out with her together with new and old friends. Made me feel like a normie for the first time in my life. 10/10 will do again.

Although its a shame that i wasn’t able to do the same for my extended family, mainly my cousins and childhood friends. I Guess over the years we’ve just become different people with different lives. I even managed to miss one of their 21st birthday parties oof...

I’m going to double my efforts to try and reconnect with them again! They’re important to me and i should treat them as such!

COMPANY 📈

Nothing much to say here, even though business in the individual months were pretty garbage, we’ve still managed to emerge from the year with 100k more in sales than the previous year! Bringing that total to almost $250k in sales!

Still not a huge fan of plants and stuff tbh, but i really cannot deny that this business provides me with financial stability (at least for the time being) that allows me to pursue my other interests and hobbies.

Also by some miracle we’ve managed to keep a 5.0 rating for the entire year lmao. Also did our first corporate and wedding gifts!

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS OF THE YEAR

Got a Nintendo switch!

Found more gaming and weeb friends!

Made contact with old classmates and friends!

Got a new camera!

So what’s next for 2020?

I want to have less regrets! Become a nicer and kinder person, yet be firm in my principals. LIVE MORE! EXPERIENCE MORE! DON’T BE AFRAID, DON’T BE LAZY

HARD WORK AND GUTS!

Rekindle ties with those whom i deem important to me.

Start my YouTube channel as a Vtuber and myself

Start YouTube channel for company

Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends!

Study hard!

Learn weebspeak maybe?

Continue to work hard for health and company!

Learn 2 songs on either the bass on ukulele

Draw at least ONCE A MONTH (shouldn’t be too hard do it lazyass!)

Be more confident and social!

Here’s to an awesome 2020!

[trunaturalista]

Costa Rica: The Solo Traveler.

I have received so many DM’s and texts regarding my trip and I wanted to share a few answers. Please reach out if there is something I did not address. 

Did you use a travel agency for your Costa Rica trip?

Absolutely not. The only time I’ve used an agency was when I went to Dubai and that was only because I was traveling to the Middle East. I planned this entire trip myself. I found a great treehouse to stay in with wonderful owners that made the entire process seamless and meaningful. Google.com. Booking.com. Search for exactly what you want.

Did you stay on a resort?

Nope! I stayed in a treehouse/villa apartment vibe. It was gated, but anyone could honestly access if it really was that deep. This was one of the most amazing places I’ve stayed. I met all of the owners and they ensured I was happy, safe, each and every day. If you are afraid of bugs, lizards, monkeys, snakes, well the wilderness, do not do it to yourself. You will not make it, lol.

What made you select Costa Rica for your first solo travel trip?

It’s literally one of the top places for female solo travelers. Literally….do your research on every country, city, village you want to travel to and read articles. Check stats. Research crime. Costa Rica has always been on my very long bucket list and it seemed kind of perfect.

It is rainy reason, but I believe this season really gave me an opportunity to relax, release and think. It rained a lot at night and that is when I wrote, read, and meditated the most.

I really wanted to stay in a village to get the true experience although…many thought this was beyond dangerous. Most did not speak English at all and you have to be prepared for this. I loved hearing about the history of the village from the locals.

Costa Rica is the safest country in Central America…:)

This trip allowed me to travel on a small plane. I had to fly into San Jose and then take a domestic flight from San Jose to Tambor. From Tambor, my taxi ride was 45 mins to the village and to my treehouse. It was a lot of travel, but it was exactly the experience I wanted.

Were you scared? Did you feel unsafe?

I absolutely was scared…who would not be? I am always a little anxious before traveling to a new place, but it’s not a bad feeling – it’s like a rush, really. Like wow, I��m really doing this! When I arrived at the village and even when I landed in San Jose…there is not one moment when I felt unsafe. Everyone was warm, welcoming, and willing to give me information if I had a question about something. When I was out on my Quad and it had issues reversing and switching gears, someone was always willing to help. Even if they did not speak English, they still wanted to make sure I was good. Never felt like I was going to be snatched or sold into sex trafficking as so many people chimed in my inbox.

Why solo travel?

I’ve learned that people are extremely disappointing and will bail on you at any minute when it comes to travel. I told myself that when I turned thirty, I would embark on this solo travel journey for a number of reasons:

The trip was about me! I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, hell I sat around naked for hours doing absolutely nothing but thinking about how blessed I was. My daughter. Future plans. My friendships. Relationship. Everything.

I was 100000% selfish. I spent money money! Bought what I wanted. I ate what the fuck I wanted. When I wanted, woke up when I wanted, drank when I damn well pleased andddddd was just naked as hell in the rainforest. I called the damn shots.

Man, I was able to recharge. Lowkey, but highkey, if you know me, I’ve been through a lot of shit the last year. Relocating twice. Job switches. Adjusting for both myself and my beautiful child. I’ve lost and gained friends. This trip gave me the space to recharge my mental, physical and emotional being. It was so necessary.

I love vulnerability. Like, solo travel is the ultimate way to put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Listen, I’ve moved to two places with/out any family or friends in sight – that is vulnerability. But, traveling to a foreign country solo is another level. It’s scary, but it’s a cool ass vibe man. With this….you can accomplish anything.

I needed and wanted to create a space to heal. That is all I can really say on that.  

I needed to find myself again. I get lost, found, lost, found. It’s nice. Meaningful. You literally have nothing but time to think about any and everything. It’s quiet.

Solo travel is super empowering. It’s only lonely when you decide not to go out and meet, talk to and explore, honestly.

What did your family and friends say?

Loaded question! 

Listen, my mom was excited but worried as any mom should be. My dad was on some ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT ‘ASHA and probably didn’t sleep the entire time I was gone. My sisters were all for it and encouraging. My closest friends were super happy for me. My man-panion was worried, but also excited because he’s traveled solo abroad as well. So many folks in my messages with envious messages and words of encouragement. Felt great. But, there were a lot of ppl in my inbox spewing negativity. “You are crazy” “You can be sex trafficked” “It’s stupid to travel alone” “what about Zarah” “you wilding” blah blah blah etc etc etc. Thank God I am in a much better space now, otherwise I might have reacted negatively. I chalk it up as projection (clearly they do not have the vagina to live life out loud) and keep it pushing. And thank Allah that I have a hefty life insurance policy.

How much was your trip?

Stay out of my pockets, playa, lol.

What tips do you have for female solo travelers in Costa Rica?

Research the city/village you plan to stay in. How do they dress? What is around? Are there things to do? Is crime heavy? Try to dress the part. The less you look like a tourist, the better. Bring boots or some sort of heavy duty shoe. Cover up!

Walk fast. Yo, keep it pushing. Get to where you are going to get, period. Google maps!

Keep cash in multiple places just in case you are robbed. Let’s be honest…crime happens everywhere and if you look like a tourist, you are in a vulnerable position. Keep cash in your bra, you backpack, your shoe, your pockets. If you are unfortunately robbed, they won’t get to all of those places. I cannot express this enough!

Do not be afraid to speak to strangers. You honestly do not have a choice. I mean, you could sit around and simply not socialize with anyone, but that really is no fun. This trip gave me an opportunity to put myself out there and talk to people in my broken Spanish ways, lol. I was forced to make friends. When I went to yoga, I met three people from Washington D.C all of which were female and in Costa Rica alone – it felt great. Had I not opened my mouth, I would have never met those travelers.

Solo travel means you are not splitting the cost of anything with anyone – it can be costly. Save up for solo trips and accept that you are going to have to drop some bread to enjoy yourself, depending on what you want to do. Luckily, $1 USD = $568.26 colones so I pretty much balled out in that village, lol. Food was cheap. A whole meal could be about 3000 colones, which is only $5.00 in USD. And by whole meal, I mean a whole Red Lobster meal for $20.00. Like, I’m not kidding.

Alcohol – Well, due to recent “deaths” due to Costa Rican alcohol, I was definitely on super high alert. I brought my own American shots to Costa Rica and visited the village market for wine. I only purchased wines that I knew were sold in America and that were not made in Costa Rica as a precaution. I did not drink at any of the bars in Costa Rica when I was out to eat because I had everything I needed at my treehouse. It made sense. Always be safe. I was not too alarmed by the number of deaths considering the millions of people that travel in and out of Costa Rica daily, but still.

Please pack bug spray and sunblock. Listen, the bugs are looking for blood and Costa Rica is way down by the equator. The HEAT HITS DIFFERENT OK. Protect your skin at all times! Plus, there are a lot of questionable bugs that I know bit me, lol.

What were your struggles?

I worry a lot. I’ve always been a worrier as my mom says. When I could learn what it meant to worry, I started lol. I worried about so many things, but I didn’t let it overcome me.

The village was intimidating – at first. But, once I got out there and drove around, I was cool.

My ATV/Quad had major struggles, lol. The first night I went out for dinner at this place called Koji’s and I couldn’t get the damn thing to start or reverse. A man saw me struggling and started walking my way. I’m thinking….OH GOD, it’s over for me, lol. But, he came over and got me on my way. I was grateful and he….was harmless.

I am not super friendly, but I’m not mean. I struggled with walking up to strangers and asking questions. But, I did it. It was awesome and I met some amazing people! 

Interesting thing happened:

On my flight from the United States to San Jose….there was a mother and her small child, maybe 6 or 7 months old, traveling to Costa Rica alone. She happened to be walking by my seat on the plane and started to have a seizure out of nowhere. The flight attendants were asking who could hold the baby and no one wanted to hold the baby. 

This was happening right next to me. 

There was a doctor and two nurses on the flight and they confirmed that she was having a seizure and that we had to let it pass. Mind you, this baby was screaming bloody murder and needed a damn diaper change. Finally, she wakes up and explains that she has never has seizures before and she seemed fine as she grabbed her baby. No less than twenty minutes later, she starts having another seizure and we embark on an emergency landing into San Jose. As for anyone….this gave me major anxiety. I started to think…what will happen to me if I have a seizure? I have no one around. Nobody knows my health history. Anxiety began to really whoop my ass due to this horrible event. I was able to breathe, push through, etc. Prayer, meditation, faith in God, really.  

Summary?

This trip taught me that there is nothing to fear but God. And (as my friend says) that the world is big and you are safe in it. I feel like a new person. I feel refreshed. Renewed. Free. I feel like a got damn beast. I feel strong. Empowered. Powerful. I feel invigorated. I feel sanctified, damn I feel liberated. Ugh. Go for it. Travel solo. I cannot wait to book my next destination and share it with you all.

[crazykacey]

Com-Myu-nity Survey!

@missemperor​ tagged me on this loong survey (thank you btw <3) and I’m excited to do it! lol

1. What is your hobby?

Playing video games, Youtube (Gaming & music), baking, singing

2. What is your special skill?

Baking I guess xD

3. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: I really don’t care what people think of me like if someone comments my clothing or the way I do certain things I’m just like “lol idgaf”. I also am quite a empathetic and sympathetic person

Weaknesses: I get angry quite easily and sometimes I might get angry over super silly and stupid things and after a while I’m just gonna be like “omg why was I mad over such a stupid thing” so I’m sorry if I get mad at anyone over silly things xD

4. What is your favorite color?

YELLOW

5. What is your favorite animal?

a dog or a bunny <3

6. Which food are you into lately?

idk there hasn’t been any new foods that I have liked so much that I would just eat it like a madman but NZ has amazing sushi😍

7. What is the thing you never lose to from anyone?

I’m not really sure if I understand this question correctly but my dignity I guess? For example there are certain things I would NEVER do but then drunk me is like let’s do this but I hold to that small part of dignity still left and don’t do that thing if it makes any sense?

8. What is your most treasured item?

I used to be really materialist but nowadays I don’t care that much about that stuff and I want to treasure the friendships and all other relationships I have rn. (wow that was deep) BUT if I had to choose one I would choose this teddy bear that I’ve had since I was like 2 or 3

9. What is your cooking specialty?

OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES im coming for you pheebs

10. What is the thing you want the most at the moment?

To fix my fucking mental health

11. What is the thing you are most scared of?

To lose everybody who are dear to me

12. What is the thing you were happy about this year?

That I was able to get to New Zealand (and that I graduated from that hellhole aka high school)

13. What is the thing you were sad about this year?

I don’t actually know XD not that much have happened that has made me sad but if I had to choose one it’s that I had to leave my doggo to Finland ;_;

14. What is the thing you regretted this year?

focusing all my time and energy on people who I thought were my friends but in reality were just really toxic people who didn’t give a shit

15. What is the thing you were angry about this year?

my now ex-friend how just sabotaged everything and didn’t learn from any mistake that she did and just kept being shitty

16. What is the job that gave you a sense of fulfillment this year?

nothing yet lol (hope this volunteer thing does that tho lol)

17. What has changed about you since you entered com-myu-nity?

I have become more confident about speaking about the things I like (still need to work more on that tho lol) and also got more confidence on singing and doing what I like and not being afraid to be who I am (in social media mostly)

18. Which character would you play in Sera myu?

Sailor Venus D44

19. If you were to form a collab now, who would it be with?

omg I already have soo many collabs I have to do but I would like to collab with everyone from the Sera Myu Community or anyone in general (heck if you want to collab with me in any way; music, games etc. just message me I’m always up for meeting new people!)

20. What do you love about Sera Myu nowadays?

That it still exists and is getting more and more love outside of Japan too!

21. Which cast member catches your attention the most at the moment?

Mizuki Yamashita, Shiori Kubo & Rimo Hasegawa <333

22. Which cast member would you want as your significant other?

oh crap idk Hotaru, Rimo or Hironari

23. If you were to marry a cast member, who would it be?

RIMO YES QUEEN

24. If you would go to a deserted island, which cast member would you like to go with you?

For some reason I can only think of Yuu Takahashi so let’s just go with her then XD

25. If you would be born again, which cast member would you want to be?

Mizuki Yamashita or Hotaru Nomoto <33

26. Which Sera Myu production would you want to be a part of?

probs NogiMyu or UNV (so I could just cry my eyes out)

27. If you would create your own kingdom, what kind of country would you want it to be?

kingdom where everyone is equal and everyone lives in harmony (really cliche I know but idc)

28. What is an interesting book or manga you read recently?

omg lol I feel so bad I haven’t had any time for those but I like the Pokemon Special manga! can you just finish BW2 chapter plz

29. What is an interesting movie you watched recently?

Annabelle Comes Home! I don’t care what people say I LIKED IT and that is it. also it is not a movie but I watched the Zambi musicals and OMG THEY WERE SO GOOD I CRIED SO MUCH I RECOMMEND THEM PLEASE WATCH THEM (Especially Team Blue omg the feels ;_;)

30. What is your favorite Sera Myu song at the moment?

Knockin’ Down Hesitation is and will probably always be my favorite Myu song

31. What is your favorite Sera Myu song choreography at the moment?

UNV Ai no Starshine or SKSDK La Moon

32. What is your favorite Sera Myu costume at the moment?

LMF Eternal Sailor Moon or the Shining Moon Tokyo costumes (they are soo sparkly and cute I LOVE IT)

33. What is your favorite Myu at the moment?

Eien Densetsu Kaiteiban is and will probably always be my favorite Myu

34. What is your favorite Myu cast?

Kaguya Shima Densetsu Kaiteiban (Team Moon is also pretty cool tbh)

35. Is there something you say a lot recently?

irl: oh guurl, nasty

in social media: omg, lol, XD

36. What would you do if you could plan a Fan Kansha?

ALL THE MOONS SINGING LA SOLDIER and releasing the WHOLE Fan Kansa recording and throwing all the actors out of the recoring room cause that unnecessary yapping from them over the recording was SOO ANNOYING

37. What do you hope to see Sera Myu doing in the future?

SAILOR V AND SAILOR MOON R MOVIE MUSICALS!!!

also mixed cast sorry not sorry

38. What kind of person do you want to be in 5 years?

more confident about myself and have better self-esteem

39. What has been a memorable concert or event this year?

haven’t been to any this year

40. What do you want to do in your private life this year?

get my shit and mental health together

41. What kind of job would you like to do in the future?

sounds pretty cliche but maybe a Youtuber?

42. Do you have a hairstyle you would like to try in the future?

I actually have no clue AT ALL. Hair is one of the things I’m so lost with and have no idea what to do with it

43. What Sera Myu merchandise would you love to have?

something cool and useful (don’t get me started on those pins)like posters (maybe signed ones too)

44. Where would you want Sera Myu to come to?

I want Sera Myu to become an international phenomenon where the Myus would be translated and acted in a country’s native language!!!

45. If you could have a holiday with any cast member, what do you want to do?

BEACH HOLIDAY WITH RIMO omg that would be the best thing ever just sun bathing all day long

46. Please say something to your favourite cast member.

girl you are amazing and I’m so proud of you please never stop doing what you love. I would really like to meet you someday and just thank you cause you really inspire me and motivate me to continue to work on my dream. Thank you <3

[manabingu]

Haruka Nanami = soft girl

This has been sitting in my inbox since yesterday MY BAD! I wanted to answer this earlier but got distracted by deadlines of some stuff ANYWAY. Thanks for sending me an ask about Nanami CUZ I BEEN WANTIN TO TALK ABOUT MY HOME GIRL FOR AWHILE BUT NEVER GET THE CHANCE TO! So thanks~*~*~*

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE. NANAMI HARUKA ^^^^ I WOULD DIE FOR HER.

Honestly, I’m that one person in every fandom that tends to fall in love with characters who I feel get undeserved hate or are either a minor character who gets glossed over. And be like….YALL??? Why you so mean to such adorable, innocent,sweet, hardworking, wouldn’t hurt a fly characters and then say that characters who are LITERAL murderers and criminals are the “precious cinnamon rolls who can do no wrong” only cuz you attracted to them??? yall thas sad. Listen…I’m honestly tired of people who bash on the anime and only play the games cuz they think it’s boring. Yes, you can have your opinion & I respect that, but I’ve seen some people whom have a pretty steadily growing following just bash on Nanami or some of their “not best boys” for reasons that make no sense to me & I been bottling this for awhile but Imma just SPEAK today cuz I’m on fire. ANYWAY BACK TO MY QUEEN.

LET ME HAVE MY NANAMI HARUKA TED TALK. Debunking complaints

Complaint I’ve heard: She’s boring

IN MY PERSONAL OPINION. NANAMI HARUKA IS ONE OF THE BEST LEADS IN ANY IDOL/ REVERSE HAREM ANIME I HAVE SEEN TO DATE.

She’s FAR from boring. She kind of reminds me of one of my other favorite lead heroines of all time. Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket. Both are humble & haven’t really had much in their life. Let’s talk about her story, she is a girl who was born with with bad health so much so that her parents sent her to grow up and live with her grandma in the countryside where the air was cleaner & less polluted than the city where they live. While she stayed with grandma, she learned to play piano by ear & she really didn’t grow up with much technology. She states in episode one that she didn’t even have a TV so anytime anyone in her class makes a reference to a famous celebrity she doesn’t know who they are. If I had to guess she only probably had books, toys, & a record player at grandma’s house AND I think she was home-schooled? Which means that that her only other friend besides her grandma & possibly the local neighborhood kids was grandma’s piano.

 I think she’s highly relateable too. I sure have had similar experience (trust me, my immune system is TerRibLe XD so I feel home girl) But I knew the moment I saw that part in episode 1 where she describes how music LITERALLY saved her life, THAT is when I knew I would protect this girl for the rest of my life cuz I just yelled at my screen SAME GURL! SAAAAAAME TTuTT/ In Nanami’s case, she went by herself to the city to visit her parents, she thought since she no longer was a kid, her health wouldn’t be too endangered but she she got there she got REALLY lost & the noise pollution was so overwhelming that her anxiety gave her a panic attack. AND THIS IS WHY I REALLY LIKE UTAPRI. BECAUSE THEY GET HELLA REAL HELLA FAST. THIS KIND OF THING IS NOT SOME KINDA MADE UP THING. LET ME SIT YALL DOWN AND TELL YOU A STORY.

Listen- I remember when I was like 16ish I went to New York with a cousin & as a person who comes from a small town- being in the city BY YOURSELF for the first time, it’s SO SCARY to someone who has anxiety. I was dropped off in Manhattan while she ran a work errand she gave me money for food & encouraged me to explore. As soon as they left, I looked around thinking OH GOD WHAT NOW?? I saw a cathedral close by and I RAN for it. I was so scared being alone I went to a small corner of the cathedral and started crying & tweeting, which got some comforting responses from native NY people that followed me & I texted the friend that was closest to me (if you count Virginia close lol) But he called me & just talked to me & helped me feel better. He encouraged me to not stay in one place & to go find a place I like & perhaps if I was too anxious, to go stay there till I was picked up. IT TOOK ME 30 MINUTES to get courage enough to walk to the Barnes & Noble/Starbucks that was close & I stayed there texting him the rest of the time. So ANYTIME people talk crap about Nanami’s panic attack in the city I’m gonna politely tell them to get out of my face cuz that’s a VERY real emotion. The thing that saved Nanami was hearing a singer in a giant screen singing a soothing song. THE MUSIC HELPED CALM DOWN HER ANXIETY. EXCUSE ME. YALL CAN’T SAY THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN SOOTHED BY A SONG IN YOUR LIFE. WE ALL BEEN THERE. WHEN WE WERE SO DOWN THAT LISTENING TO A SONG MADE US FEEL BETTER. I know that happened with me. Just like Nanami, I had a time in my life where I was just ready for death, I had lost hope to live but hearing ONE. SONG by my favorite singer, literally stopped me. So I can relate how she felt about HAYATO in the city. And how afterwards she was so inspired by it that she wanted to try to have a career dealing with music. HER REASON FOR WANTING TO BECOME A COMPOSER IS BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL SAD AND SCARED. SO SHE WANTS TO MAKE MUSIC THAT CAN TOUCH PEOPLE’S HEARTS & IF THEY’RE HAVING A BAD DAY, SHE CAN CHEER THEM UP WITH A SONG. IF THAT ISN’T THE GREATEST REASONING TO GO FIGHT FOR A DREAM, I DUNNO WHAT IS.

AND SHE KNOWS THAT THE ODDS ARE AGAINST HER. BUT SHE DOESN’T THROW IN THE TOWEL EASILY. I FREAKING LOVE HER FOR THAT. NANAMI. HARUKA. IS. NOT. WEAK.

Once she was of age, she applied for THE most prestigious music academy in her area. She was nearly late to the entrance exam cuz she helped a lost child find their mom while she was running in a snowstorm to the school. And because she was noticed to have that high moral compass by the principal, she was allowed to take the exam and made it in. And even when she DID get in, she was bullied by all the rich kids for not being able to read sheet music & not being taught by a private piano teacher when she was asked to play in front of everyone. She KNEW that she can play piano but she was self taught & played by ear. ((THIS STRUCK ME HARD TOO. Because I am self taught too- as a singer, I thought that if I didn’t have access to all these things & I didn’t know how to sight read I’d never be taken seriously or that I was less worthy to be called a musician than my peers)) But did she give up??? NO. HOME GIRL RAN TO THE LIBRARY and she studied her ass off to not let her first assignment project partner down. I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS ABOUT THE FIRST SEASON ALONE. SHE WAS THROWN SO MANY CURVE BALLS TO CRUSH HER SPIRIT AND DESPITE HER ANXIETY KEPT FIGHTING FOR HER DREAM.

But you know what? She also showed me THAT IT’S OK TO FALL DOWN TO ROCK BOTTOM. It’s OK to feel like giving up especially when your confidence has been crushed to a pulp by everyone. YALL, I FREAKING BAWLED MY EYES OUT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT THAT STARISH - THE BAND SHE SINGLE-HANDEDLY  (and with some magical fate strings pulled by Cecil)) CREATED WAS GONNA DEBUT WITHOUT HER. She was asked by the principal if she thought HER music could compete with pros already established and household names already in the business. She didn’t want her friends to give up their dreams of debuting so she agreed to step down as STARISH’s composer AGAINST their demands for her to not give up. She went home and cried to her grandmother that she felt SO outclassed. And you know what? I’m GLAD Utapri shared this kind of story because I’m sure it has happened to a lot of people.

Nanami is a really kind, compassionate, selfless human being. She does anything and everything so that all her family & friends can be happy at the expense of her own happiness. She takes it to the extreme that she is PUSHED and forced to FOR ONCE think selfishly and do something for herself. Her purity & kindness won the respect of her classmates & teachers so much so that they always want to support her dream of  becoming a songwriter. When STARISH came to her house cuz they heard she ran away- she openly admitted  IN TEARS that SHE wanted to be STARISH’s composer, she didn’t want anyone else to write for them because she had fun with her friends and she didn’t want that to stop. ((The principal overheard her and said FINALLY! SOMETIMES ITS OK TO BE SELFISH WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR DREAM! Its ok to be kind but also think of your own feelings sometimes too. I think young, budding artists need to hear this. )) SHE GIVES ME HOPE CUZ I BE THE SAME WAY SOMETIMES WITH MY STUFF SO YEAH ;~~~~~;/

SOMETIMES When I watch a show that has harem elements to it, I really judge the protag that everyone is falling for and I think about if the harem people’s feelings are justified enough for them to actually fall in love with the protag. And you know what? In Nanami’s case?? ITS A BIG OL HELL YEAH IT’S JUSTIFIED.

FrICK- I fell in love with Nanami too??? How could I not??? I AM A BIGASS SAP FOR INNOCENT, SHY, CHARACTERS WHO TRY THEIR BEST EVEN THOUGH THEY SCARED AF CUZ OF CONFIDENCE ISSUES.

She’s a wonderful, compassionate, gifted person who just needs love and support and you know she’ll be there for you too and it’s mutual. She works SUPER hard at her job, she’s endearing, she makes you wanna just protect her cuz if she is sad lord I will probably go on a rampage. This girl doesn’t deserve to go through more than she already has. I love and respect Nanami. A female protagonist doesn’t need to be bitchy, slutty, or badass to be considered “interesting”. 

HECK, one time I heard someone say “This show would be 10x if Nanami was a guy. UMMMM???? WTF??? Ok, listen, I’m in the lgbt spectrum, & I’m sick of people saying that Utapri would be better if Nanami was a boy. Why is it so bad that she’s a girl?? Like- I would like ONE reasonable explanation that doesn’t involve fetishizing your personal fantasies. When people fetishize an lgbt relationship- you’re causing that type of relationship to not be taken seriously irl. If we wanna make this the norm, we gotta treat it like it’s a natural occurrence. Not force something for the sake of fanservice. There are barely any well written female protags like Nanami out there in the world and if we change her, we are taking out one of the best from the list. I want more shows to write good, memorable  female protags like Nanami. I wouldn’t be against her being a boy. But only if the reason was for good reasons and to explore character development dynamics. Cuz I enjoy content that has actual substance. SERIOUSLY- If Utapri was ONLY fanservice, I would despise it. BUT IT’S NOT. It tackles real issues & speaks about people in the industry and they don’t sugarcoat ANYTHING. They show you the harsh realities but they also give you hope to keep doing what you love even if you gotta work extra harder than your peers who might be more experienced than you.

And THAT is what I learned from Nanami Haruka. And I will defend my songwriting princess till I die. Thank you.

[sachi-pon]

free! dive to the future episode 12 liveblog/review thing

*loud sigh*

i am DREADING watching this episode. one reason is that i don't know if this is the end... the end, forever??? i don't know!!! i really hope not!! ;__; the other reason is that because this is the season finale, i know it's going to be emotional!!! there's no way a free! season finale will not be emotional. the other two were. XD

but i have to watch the episode. as much as i am terrified to watch it... i must. i've got to do it. >__<UUU

so here we go!!!!!

please read my previous liveblogs as well. i've been reacting to everything this season!  (episode 1) (episode 2) (episode 3) (episode 4) (episode 5) (episode 6) (episode 7) (episode 8) (episode 9)  (episode 10) (episode 11) and THANK YOU VERY MUCH to anyone who reads my liveblogs. thank you for taking the time to read them!!!! <33333

watch ep 12 officially on crunchyroll: http://www.crunchyroll.com/free-iwatobi-swim-club/episode-12-dive-to-the-future-775643

***

the episode starts out with some BEAUTIFUL animation!!!

i think it's so cute that haru was fascinated by water ever since he was little.

yesssss i was waiting for that shot of little haru smiling!!! i already posted that screenshot here on my blog. XD if that doesn't absolutely melt your heart, then... you have no heart!

makoto cooking??? THAT'S SO ADORABLE <3

i would be happy to eat burnt toast if makoto made it. <33333

;___; omg omg omg that is so sad. he didn't help his friend. so i bet that is a major source of guilt for him. and, i wonder if that's some kind of foreshadowing...??? maybe haru and/or rin will be forced to make some kind of difficult choice between swimming and something else. i'm not saying that'll happen in this episode but maybe in the future (well, that's assuming there is another season)

hahaha, the muscle lovers have brainwashed ayumu!!! XD

yaaaaaay i am actually seeing ikuya and hiyori again!!!! i love them! ^__^

rin's surprised face at seeing natsuya again hahahaha

"you're late haru... just like me lol" -rin

"it's been so lon--" SLAP. what a warm welcome???

i feel like there should have been a theme song by now...

ikuya and natsuya about to race each other while remembering all those memories ;__; this episode is so emotional already lol.

*very dramatic music*

HAHAHAHAHA that out-of-date phrase came back. those random laughing people are like "who is that old fool??"

that little screenshot of ikuya and natsuya sleeping while leaning against each other UGGGGHHH that was a really sharp knife in my heart <3

hiyori is so excited for ikuya, awww.

*awkward panting*

yay i was hoping ikuya would win, just because i think it's funny that natsuya lost to his little brother!!!

THAT HANDSHAKE TURNING INTO A HUG I AM DONE. I AM DONE WITH THIS ANIME. IT'S BAD FOR MY HEALTH. I CANNOT BREATHE WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS GOING ON. ;___; ;___; ;___;

NATUYA'S CRYING?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!? WTF WHY ARE YOU CRYING, STOP THAT, NOOO THIS IS TOO PRECIOUS. he really is so proud of ikuya!!!!! ^___^

lol now ikuya's crying and his little shaky voice, aaaaaaggghh. i hate this show so much. this show is too dangerous for my heart. i can't survive all this. why are all of these characters such wonderful angels???? WHY???????

i think asahi is starting to cry too lol

all right, that's a good stopping point. well, i'm done. ...wait... whaddaya mean there's more time left in this episode??? whaddaya mean that i haven't even watched half of the episode??? oh no, i have to keep watching!!! i don't think i'm ready for this you guys

"haruka-senpai and the rest have really dived into an incredible world." no, rei, they have DIVED INTO THE FUTURE!!!!!! =)

you couldn't have just walked AROUND them???? -__-

this guy's bright orange hair bothers me...

that confident look you get on your face when you are aware of how awesome you are and how powerfully bright your hair is:

"you cant gain that kind of strength without throwing something else away." uhhhh well that's creepy. what did kinjou throw away? (his sanity???)

ryuuji believes you basically have to give up everything, even your friends, to make it in the competitive world =( he's obviously still feeling guilt about what happened with his own friend. what's interesting is that we don't know how haru feels about what ryuuji just said. does haru agree?

rin is so cool that he has his own cool new music now hahaha.

haru looks suprised that rin did so well??? he shouldn't be surprised! rin is amazing <3

haru looks nervous??? (to be honest, i am nervous too lol. my heart is beating fast...)

he had a late start? i couldn't tell. XD

i am seriously freaking out over this animation. i just love it. the animation in this show is wonderful in general, but i feel like the animators take extra care in doing haru's swimming scenes. those scenes always look gorgeous. (even when haru's swimming isn't as fast as normal...)

everyone looks so sad about what happened with haru =(

asahi is so cute. XD he's so awkwardly funny!!!

sousuke startling rin... hahaha

hmmm, rin and sousuke are talking about sousuke swimming in a race in the future. does this mean there will be another season???

"nagisacchi" ^__^

"kissme?" looooool

omg there are so many more races tomorrow. but there are only a few minutes left in the episode!!! a lot needs to happen in just a few minutes!!

"bye-bye!" ugh why is every single thing that happens in this show so cute???

what was makoto about to ask haru???

marinka date???? <3 <3 <3

hmm, so haru really is bothered by what ryuuji said earlier

makoto and rin are laughing like "our son is so precious." XD

the three seagulls are on a date too??

rin saying he'd support makoto, awww that's so sweet!!! <3

haru yelling and scaring the birds away... what did those birds do to you, haru????

and omg, rin and makoto were totally caught off guard by that!!!! (well i was too o___o)

haru is running into the ocean... in order to turn into a merman?!?!?!??!! (i have been thinking about mermen all season, you know.)

"what kind of teen drama is this?" it took you this long to figure out that you are in a teen drama, rin?? XD

ummm for real where are they going though???

there are seriously like three minutes left in the episode. ... ... how is everything going to fit into three mins?

haru's speed surpassed albert's?!?!? wasn't albert the alien god?? wow...

ryuuji is trying to sit there and analyze why haru lost, but... dude, it's kinda your fault!! you're telling haru some weird stuff about "giving something up" and it made him nervous! =(

"he keeps talking about stupid stuff like friendship and bonds..." IT'S NOT STUPID, IT'S FREE!!!!!!

okay. so i'm at 21:40 and the entire episode is 23:40. rin and haru have not raced yet?!?!?!?!

finally!!! here it is!!!!!!!

hey, there's some new song sung by the voice actors playing in the bg???? i'm feeling emotions again...

let's dive... to the future!!!!!!

hmm, crunchyroll must be having techincal difficulties. instead of playing the rest of the episode, they are showing random pictures of the characters. this technical glitch must be fixed immediately.

...

...

...

oh. it's not a glitch. it's the ACTUAL EPISODE. THE ACTUAL EPISODE CUT OFF RIGHT BEFORE HARU AND RIN'S RACE. WHAT THE F@#^@$&#%%!%#^@^#^$#^@!@#$#%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE WAITED ALL SEASON TO SEE THIS RACE!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING, PEOPLE WHO CREATE THIS CRAZY SHOW???!?!?!?!?!?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US?!?!?! WHY????? WHYYYYYY????????!?!?!?!!!?!?!?!   >=(

*tries to calm down?*

"blue destination," that's what this song is called.

haha i like the samezuka guys doing the same silly-looking pose.

huh? there's a scene with just a few seconds left in the episode? what could possibly happen in this amount of time?????

nanase is in the lead?? okay, but... that doesn't really answer the question of who won the race. it's possible that rin could catch up. but i guess if he did catch up, they would have said it?

the god alien sees that haru is setting a new record! hmmm are you jealous??? =)

"see you in 2020" ?!?!?!?!?!?!? so i have to wait two years to find out who won the race??? -__-UUU

wait, wait... that means... FREE HAS NOT ENDED!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT OVER!!!!!! THIS ISN'T THE END!!!!!!! omg omg omg omg!!!!!! you guys. i didn't know this. i didn't know if there was going to be any more. wow wow wow!!!!!!! i finally got my reassurance!!! <33333333 oh my goodness!!!!!! this is extremely important to me!!! like i have said before, free! is my #1 favorite anime ever. i didn't want it to end right now. i need more!!! i'm so incredibly happy that it's not over yet! that makes me feel a lot better.

okay now. it's time for me to sum up not only this episode, but the season. first, the episode. this was an exciting, heart-thumping episode. i was nervous about everyone's races!!! especially rin and haru's, but... it was a disappointment that the race wasn't actually shown. i'll assume haru won because they mentioned that he was in the lead. but i'm not 100% sure!!!

ikuya and natsuya were lovely. i really liked that scene when they were hugging and they were clearly so proud of each other!!! it was so touching!! this is why i love this show. <3 and i was happy to see hiyori again too. everyone was reunited. everyone was realizing what their dreams are and finding their confidence. so it was an important episode;.

and... MARINKA!!!!!! i will be honest and say that i really wanted a makoharu moment. but i've gotta say, marinka is nice too. =) it was really funny to me how rin and makoto were both laughing at haru at the same time. they each gave haru the encouragement that he needed in that moment. they really got him fired up. when he suddenly yelled into the ocean, i was like "O__O uuuuhhhhh..." but it's good to see haru feeling motivated!! ^__^ the shot of the three of them lying together in the water was something that i think instantly became iconic.

the scene in the theme song (which didn't even play today?!?) where haru is screaming and looking like he's turning super saiyan (lol) was about haru's scream in this episode!! mystery solved. =)

so how'd i feel about this whole season? umm... EXCELLENT!!!!! everything was amazing!! the characters' relationships and emotions!!! the music!!! the animation!!! the voices!!!! just... everything. i am impressed with this anime, as always. i have so much appreciation for all of the people who put it together, because i like everything about it. that's why i didn't want to think about it ending. when i saw that it was coming back in 2020, i became very, very eager to know what would happen in the future!!! i want to dive to the future...

[megbox]

tumblr survey no. 8(?)

1. Would you have sex with the last person you texted? Who is it? lolol it was sara. i love u sara but no. 

2. Have you ever thought about hooking up with a friend?  uhhh yeah. in some cases i HAVE hooked up with friends. it happens.

5. Rate your last kiss 0 - 10 lolllll the kiss itself was like an 8 but the circumstances? a 10. 

6. What did you dream about last night? i don’t remember cause i had the most HORRIBLE sleep i could not manage to fall asleep so i got up and made an omelette and watched the fyre fest documentary.  7. An ex shows up at your house – what do you want to say? like honestly at this point i’d just be like “how’s your life” and pretend to care 8. Are you a virgin? totally....  9. Who was the last person in your bed other than you? adrian.  10. Do you have a tumblr/internet crush? nope. 

11. Who do you wish would text you right now? SOMEONE I SAW THIS AFTERNOON but for whatever reason he exclusively contacts me through instagram DM and i hate it.  12. Ever wanted to fuck a teacher? LOL my instructor in canadian film. he was hot and ridiculously smart.  13. Have you ever sent nude photos? i actually haven’t sent like a full nude photo in a long long time.   14. What’s one thing you always wish for? confidence.  16. What is your dream profession? like honestly being the intake coordinator at like CCASA or the sexual health centre.  17. Which do you think about more - past, present, future? FUTURE. 

20. What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone? hmmm. interesting question. i don’t KNOW i honestly feel like it was just standard stuff like planning outings or making dinner. buying lingerie (that was mostly for me). wait - does flying across an ocean count?  21. What’s the most romantic thing someone has done for you? remembered all of these little things i said i liked and surprising me with them on my birthday a few years ago. the whole shebang. roses, champagne, an airbnb.  22. If you’re single, why do you think that is? i know it’s because i am a mess who, the INSTANT something starts to get serious, i panic and i just want to be alone.  23. What are your 3 best qualities? oh god. um. i am a loyal/loving friend. i like to bring people together. and i am friendly. i think. i don’t know. different people may have differing opinions on the truth of this answer. 

24. What do you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i just... was a little bit more chill. about many things. i wish i had more focus and concentration. and i wish i didn’t have these FUCKING bags under my eyes.  25. What is your favorite physical feature on yourself? my eyes~ 

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours? uhhh no actually i have not.  

What are you doing Saturday? Sunday? it’s actually going to be really busy. saturday we have the CASE spin fundraiser in the afternoon, then i am closing at work. sunday is podcast club as always. then i work at 3. then i am going to kinjo for ramen and lols with sara. 

Do you take walks often? no. walking bores me. 

Do you remember who you liked on New Year’s? it is the same person i like now. 

Would you rather write with a gel pen or Sharpie? oh god give me a crisp sharpie with that chemical smell yesss daddy 

When will your next kiss be? i don’t know. the idea of it stresses me out. 

What’s the background on your cell? a picture of snow-covered trees i took in jasper. 

Wearing any bracelets? never. 

Do you think relationships are hard? the right one is the easiest thing in the world. 

Do you think they are ever really worth it? absolutely 100% yes. 

When were you last outside? a few hours ago 

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other? definitely. 

Do you like Subway? oh hell yeah. 

Are your nails painted? no but i have been MEANING to get them manicured. 

What’s usually the first thing you do in the morning? boil water to pour into my french press for coffee. 

Do you feel too hot or too cold most often? too hot!!! always! fuck 

What were you doing an hour ago? making spring rolls. 

Do you have anything bothering you? yes but it’s all created within my own mind LMAO killin it 

When was the last time you cried? uhhhhhhhhhhhh listening to a podcast on the weekend. but like actually cried cried? november. 

Last person who drove you somewhere? maeghan drove me to the famoso staff party <3 

If you were to die today, would your life be complete? i mean, no, but i have had the privilege to experience a lot of things. 

Are you scared to lose the person you fell the hardest for? i did, and it seemed like the worst thing in the world but with time and distance it just becomes like... a thing that happened. 

Your crush wants to hang out, what do you say? he DOES and i keep inventing excuses because i am terrified to actually do it 

Is there someone you’d really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? LMAO LIKE YES AND THAT PERSON HAS VERY CLEARLY INDICATED THEY WANT TO DO THE SAME BUT I CAN’T FUCKING GET IN THE ZONE AND ACTUALLY DO IT I HATE MYSELF 

Do you have braces? no but i need them for my snaggletooth 

Have you ever gone out with anyone older than you? uhhhhhh i guess you could say that. 

Excited for anything? PORTLAND! 

At the moment, do you terribly miss someone? yes. 

Where was the last place you went besides where you are? the climbing centre. 

Do you think dimples are cute on girls? oh my god yeah.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? ali used to!! <3 

Do you find it hard getting over a person? depends on the person but usually yes. i am bad at goodbyes/change. 

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? sunny!