#heads up i talk about anxiety
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Why do you think did Curly let Jimmy go before the crash? I've seen the theory Curly briefly thought about crashing too but didn't expect Jimmy to go through with it
I generally believe it was shock and a bit of denial.
It’s the sort of thing where Curly knew Jimmy enough to know he blows up at things but he never would’ve expected him to go through with something so crazy. He gives Jimmy way too much benefit. It’s just his nature and the dynamics he has with Jimmy. They have a stable relationship as friends but it’s stabilized by the unhealthy toxic aspects that keep him in it. He’s like this with Anya, taking the gun is something he really shouldn’t have kept off the record, so is Swansea’s feigned hostility toward Daisuke. He doesn’t want to get people in trouble and doesn’t want to believe anyone would cause trouble other than to themselves. He’s a very lenient man.
I think the words were hollow in his head. Said but not really meant like all the times Jimmy lashes out and says something cruel to him or others. He never means it, if he did why would he still be Curly’s friend? Curly’s head wasn’t in the right space in that moment, he just got through panicking with Anya and if the sound design is anything to go by, was panicked and preoccupied going to confront Jimmy. I mean, the flash of the warning signs before he runs back are identical to the dissociative episode of sort he has when going to talk to Jimmy to do his Psyc eval.
There is this sort of assumption in fanon that Curly was the idealic person for the job and simply failed. None of them were the idealic people to be there, it’s Curly’s entire concern with the ladder he chose. I see more interpretations of him being purposefully ignorant where I see him as just always looking the wrong way or not in a place where he can see it. There’s something different about seeing something than being told about it in the human mind. It may just be the psych student in me but Curly def has some sort of cognitive dissonance just like Jimmy but when it comes to his role as a Captain vs who he is.
They blur in his head to where if you ask him if he was acting as a Captain or a friend or himself to his crew he couldn’t answer. Not with confidence even if he did. There are many times we see that Curly himself is not in the right headspace to lead the Tulpar and that’s outside of anything with Jimmy. He’s spacey, he’s not sleeping, he’s deeply unhappy with himself and life. It’s why there’s believability he crashed the ship. Maybe the others saw it, or maybe Jimmy heard enough of it to spin it in a way that made Curly seem suicidally depressed.
So the tdlr is I think it wasn’t so much letting Jimmy go, more so not seeing the severity of what he was allowing to transpire. In his mind it’s just another one of Jimmy’s bluffs, cruel words, off words but just words. Jimmy rarely ever acts, why would he now? Maybe he’s never seen it because Jimmy hides those actions? Either way, he just never thought he’d really do it.
#like curly is also not mentally well like if I were to rank worst mental health before the crash#I’d go Jimmy then curly then Anya then Daisuke then Swansea#he clearly dissociates and goes on auto pilot often enough Anya is picking up on it#he never thinks about himself and is very easily talked down to by his crew I mean even Swansea is overly#snippy with him for the professional relationship they have and his closest confidant is fuckin Jimmy#mix this with the fact the last time they likely talked outside of work stuff was the party like I don’t think he was in a good headspace to#be making critical decisions in this situation like it’s not an excuse for not taking more action towards Jimmy but it’s a factor that is#often left out of the mix. cuz either Jimmy just wasn’t doing copilot stuff or he was in the cock pit being distant and cold and likely#setting off those sort of bells in Curly’s head where he should be placating him like he likely did back on earth but he can cause#jimmy’s not over it I mean I can only imagine those three missing days were very awkward and anxiety filled for all the crew members some#more than others but yeah it think it’s mostly him just not really absorbing anything until it all hits after Jimmy steers the ship like#he’s just a little fucked in the head like again not an excuse but it is another reason on top of pragmatism#ask#anon#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#captain curly#curly mouthwashing
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...is Marcus a type of yandere?
#redacted asmr#redacted audio#i dont like thinking about marcus#for some weird reason he triggers my anxiety#but anyway#i always say i love the redacted yanderes and a little voice in my head was like....#with Marcus's obsession with making Asset love him does he fall under the yandere trait?#what if he goes full yandere and shows up to talk to asset?#to be fair i havent listened to the project Meridian playlist for a while so i might be misremembering
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they should make a me that isnt Scared
#this is abt something incredibly specific and no im not telling you what#it is probably all in my head and i dont mean that in a Im Crazy way but a I Know My Anxiety Is Kicking Into Overdrive For No Reason way#its a tricky situation . im still not talking abt it unless u are one of the few people authorized with necessary information#and even then i dont know what talking about it would really do besides honestly freak me out more . sigh#something something mantras to repeat myself .#they do not hate you just for existing. you just arent close and havent learned to pick up on their language and vibes yet. youll be ok#lycan howls
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😩
#it’s totally normal and not weird to go on your church’s youtube and rewatch a service at which you were present#for the sole purpose of staring at the back of the cute guy you’ll never have the courage to talk to#…right?#i do not have many talents but one of them is getting a brain-shatteringly intense crush on a man i have never spoken to every few years#it’s a very small church full of mainly older folks and he just showed up like three months ago#and some part of me wonders…why???#my inner mrs bennet is like#single man in possession of handsome face and seemingly quite lovely personality#(for instance this week he gave a ride to an older lady who can’t drive 🥺)#should be in want of a wife!#what are you doing here sir#there is literally only one single woman your age and she is an average looking disaster with social anxiety disorder#i’m getting all in my head about whether or not i’m imagining that he keeps glancing in my direction#because…why would he#AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH i need to go to bed before i go insane
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starting off the day with dreams by the cranberries and ending it with i love you, i'm sorry by gracie abrams this is a cateogry 5 'in my head about this crush' situation
#he is changing my lifeeeee this is disgusting i can't think about anything ELSE#i don't know how he feels i am blowing up i need to talk to him about it but i'm. screaming crying throwing up at the prospect#my health anxiety is at an all time low and now there's so much space in my head and he is. filling it up. with his floofy fucking hair#feeling sooooo bisexual rn#ola.txt
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told my siblings i was having an existential crisis (low-key panic attack) on the bus about turning 26 and it made me feel better just telling them even if they didn't offer any life changing advice i still felt so relieved
#talking about your feelings does help who knew.....wish it didn't feel like stripping myself down to my core though#i literally hate hate hate talking about my feelings i just start cryingbhfjshf#woke up today with a tight chest and it was kind of hard to breathe and i was like lol here we go again#crazy how the physical act of talking really relieves the stress#i just get so stuck in my own head it's the worst. anxiety feels like a curse. i wish i was normal
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Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.
Is that why I opened the windows?
Maybe I asked the fog to come…
-MAG170: Recollection
#furry art#anthro art#fursona#ink markings#vent art#avoiding tagging the show the lines are from bc the art has nothing to do with the podcast lmao#the rest of these tags are rambling you can stop reading now no worries !#it’s just getting gross outta my head and onto paper#I’m so bad at conversations and I know it’s my own fault but it feels isolating#I gotta get better at talking but I’m just afraid to reach out to people#no idea how to talk that isn’t infodumping#I just wanna talk about my OCs or my fandoms or just…. anything but feel like no one wants to hear that shit lmao#sometimes I feel like the people in my life would rather interact with anyone other than me lmao#I feel way better after drawing this out tho#bless the arts#i know i know i need to be the one to reach out more#and i know my anxiety stems from my parents hardcore ridiculing me whenever i talked to much#and my exes ignoring me at the drop of a hat for whatever new thing piqued them#but its hard to know that logically and get my brain to cooperate#and not think that I'm automatically annoying every person i speak to#although maybe it's also better because anyone who gets stuck in a room irl with me knows i don't shut up lmao#maybe its for the best i can never manage to do it in text
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#i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that i've had in my calendar for 2 months (almost 3)#and because i'm me i have been thinking and stressing about it for those 2 months (almost 3)#tomorrow is supposed to be over and i'll finally relax (for a bit cause i'll probably have to do blood work etc etc)#and now my mom put into my head that maybe (we don't know she's not sure) MAYBE the doc will have to like check me#and so i will have to remove clothing which i was so not prepeared for and i'm not sure what my reaction will be on the day#because that makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable... and like i get it you're going to the doctor it could happen but also?#i need to at least imagine it for a week i can't be told this THE DAY BEFORE#now i'm freaking the fuck out#and up until today my major anxiety was ''am i gonna ask the doc about starting t? or should i wait until she does the tests i need done#in case she turns out to be very transphobic and i have to drop her?''#like that was my biggest worry now i have like a million more#i hate this i hate my brain and i hate that i can't have ONE THING i need to do IN THE YEAR without going into panic mode for 3mths straigh#my brain is so fucking useless#angel talks#personal
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#𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 ⠀⠀(⠀ⅰ.⠀)⠀⠀𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑:⠀⠀ಇ⠀⠀oh-kae!#cw negative#tw negative#cw vent#tw vent#tagging this for people who don't want this kind of negative content on their feeds!#remember to protect urself first.#and i'll keep this super vague not to be like . . dramatic? but just because i only need to get this off my chest.#but i need to vent so badly because i'm reaching a breaking point. i can /feel/ the anxiety building up in my throat.#i've been 10000 % vibing on my own and really comfy here! i've been loud n' proud about that.#but ever since i've been active here it feels like old issues are rising up and it feels like borderline harrassment.#like. under the radar.#i know this isn't anything anyone is going to have noticed or seen or anything.#but talking with friends who do notice and stuff. i just hit a bad point all of a sudden.#i'm not going to openly talk about problems here on the dash of course.#but drags my hands down my face. i just want to do my own thing man.#i have more time to be here now that school is done for a couple months & i just wanna enjoy it to the fullest hah#i'm finally back into enjoying ahri the way i used to!#but. i dunno. i might bury my head into my inbox & retreat into some video games or something.#i don't really need reassurance or affirmations because this isn't a pity post or anything.#i feel validated by the amazing friends and interactions i get here as is! so thank you to all of you. seriously. ily#but good lord.#i dunno i just wanted to vent and i will delete this later.
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No seroquel means no sleep for me I guess. I've been trying for hours
#decided if im gonna be awake i may as well do something other than wallow in thoughts that cause me anxiety#just super fucked up that i went from believing i could no longer feel romantic attraction#to suddenly being flooded with feelings#and like he didn't even confess romantic feelings for me he just said hed be down to fuck sometime#usually id just be like yeah that's fine i don't usually catch feelings#so it's fucking me up that im having romantic feelings towards someone who probably doesnt feel that way#and it's fucking me up that i caught feelings from being TOLD he'd like to fuck we haven't even done that#sigh i can't pretend like those feelings weren't already there and just extremely repressed....#kept having so many dreams about being in love w him... I'd do everything i could to shake the feeling off#it comes down to insecurities#feeling like i make too many mistakes to be with someone as good as him#the fear that I'll stress him out#one of the most amazing people I've ever met. he has respected my boundaries for years#and i guess those boundaries were only firmly in place bc i knew deep down it would spark something#honestly i felt a huge spark hours before he even told me#whenever he came up behind me and hugged me on the neck#his lips accidentally brushed against my neck and i swooned#we haven't talked since that night but he said he wants to have a conversation about it when he's not busy#he has two jobs#his 2nd one lasting til 1am#but yeah thinking about what he might say is making me nervous#like what if he suddenly decides that it IS too risky#i don't think ill be able to kick these feelings#at least i let him know head on that i might fall in love w him if we pursue anything else#but we haven't even pursued shit!! and i feel this way already!!#i guess not ''in love'' but the crush is hard-fucking-core#the kind of crush i havent had since meeting my ex 7 years ago...#i forgot what the feeling was like. and it's.... so strong#.bdo
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wanting 2 finish my education but 2 do so u need 2 have a camera like
hey
thats y i failed in the 1st place
im gonna cry
#ANXIETY I H8 UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU#“u cannot talk u cannot write things down u have 2 b quiet u have 2 b in a private close off space” THIS SOUNDS LIEK TORTURE#i ahve 2 hype myself up 4 this wtf#WTFFFFFFF#spoken like a true scardy cat me WOO#my options r either b perceived or b perceived#WHICH i dont rlly HAVE a problem w/#its jsut THE FACT THAT IN MY HEAD I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING JUDGHED 4 MY SMARTS I H8 ITTTTTTT#next thing yk if im on camera theyre gonna give me a strike 4 sitting “not normal”#this is actualyl awful#u can tell how awful it is in my head bc im rambling about it on tumblr tags 2 distract myself#i want 2 continue my education but @ what cost jesussssssssssssssssssssssssss
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im sorry but you cannot attribute every single human behavior to capitalism. yes capitalism has shaped literature for the worst. yes the bookish world would probably be a better place without goodreads or booktok.
however the concepts of bibliomania and tsundoku were created in the 1800s, well before there were thousands of ads for shiny covers and celebrity authors being flung into your face. people were already buying more books than they could ever possibly read when books were still made with manual typesetting. you can't blame this one on amazon.
that's not even touching the fact that bibliomania is sometimes a symptom of ocd, or the existence of hyperlexia.
sometimes, people just like to do something, and it makes them act irrationally. and, yes, capitalism corrupts that. but to pretend that all human excess is because of capitalism is simply erroneous. you need to stop pretending that eradicating capitalism will make us perfect creatures free from hedonism oh my fucking god
#shut up az#in fact under communism i plan to read and hoard even more books#for you see i am one of those aforementioned hyperlexics#there's a goblin in my brain that tells me to read and then points an anxiety gun at my head#gonna venture that goodreads didnt put him there#sorry the original post about judging others by how much they Consume was correct#but so many people in the notes took it to mean that all book hoarding and reading fast is inherently because of capitalism#as if this is not the website where people read millions of words a week that were posted and obtained For Free#WHAT IS MY AO3 MARK FOR LATER IF NOT TSUNDOKU BY ANOTHER NAME#never talk to me and my collection of vintage paperbacks ever again
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I didn’t go to sculpture again……
#please please please I have anxiety I have a mental illness#I can’t make myself go there it’s hell idk why I’m just so nervous every time I make myself feel sick#and then I get another excuse not to go becuase I literally feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’m not going to pass if I don’t start going there…….#and I cannot handle repeating a semester#I live in fear#and it doesn’t help that I have intermedia class later today which is my second greatest enemy and just as dreadful#banging head on the table#I need to be wrapped in a blanket and go to sleep forever#god even if I go there I’m never going to be able to come up to my prof and talk to him about my project I get physically I’ll at the#slightest suggestion from my friends that I should finally do it#everyone’s done it already#I will literally cry if anyone talks to me#the profs just intimidate me so badly I feel like they hate me#and everyone says they’re super nice but I can’t make myself believe ittttt they will eat me alive#but if I never go I won’t pass the class and repeating the semester will cost money#pleas I have the stupid project idea ready but I just can’t do it I’ve thought about just emailing them and doing it all through email but#I couldn’t do that either I’m just in panic mode instantly#so yeah I’m just venting not asking ppl for solutions 😶✌️ I just don’t want to text my friend again bc I’ve been putting way too much on#them#they do practically everything for me anyway bc I can’t do shit by myself#uh ok I just need to put this SOMEWHERE#I’m gonna curl up and draw metal or whatever#ugh I know I’m making things worse by not coming#but I can’t make myself I just cant I’m gonna have an anxiety attack ✌️#no one look at me#I being sensitive and vulnerable here
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ocd rly sucks sometimes bc i swear my paranoia just shoots me in the foot with my personal life so bad
#its like this weird combo of anxiety and favorite personing#that makes me fixate on if one specific person whos opinion i care about#like hates me or not#i currently am struggling to shake a specific paranoid delusion that cropped up last night#even tho its....... SOOOOOO unlikely#but even still#its the kind of thing if id just like#get out of my own head. would probably be fine#like#so fucking often#i just wish i could act normal enough around people to not care#its like i feel like i hide my true self from the people i want to be real with the most#and im like man if i was just acting like. normal/chill we'd be best buddies and everything would be fine#but instead i have to be fucking insane#its just hard and weird and complicated bc im so used to keeping things secret and to myself and not being able to explain things#i dont even know how to fucking talk to people sometimes#i just want to make real ass friends man#why is this so hard
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a friend called me :D yaay
#marzi speaks#i love my friends and how respectful they are of my boundaries#most of my good friends know that i have call anxiety#(i usually tell ppl when i exchange numbers with them)#so they know if they just straight up call me i’ll probably panic and not answer#so instead they send a text going ‘hey can i call you?’#which gives ME time to feel prepared. it rules#it’s also nice bc i’ve been working on overcoming the call anxiety#(turns out being disabled means making a LOT of phone calls. which feels stupid)#so this gives me a heads up that i’m about to chip away at a fear#which is empowering!!! yaaay!!#anyways friends are great and i love talking to them. time to find out what i’m having for dinner
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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