#in fact under communism i plan to read and hoard even more books

[grandwretch]

im sorry but you cannot attribute every single human behavior to capitalism. yes capitalism has shaped literature for the worst. yes the bookish world would probably be a better place without goodreads or booktok.

however the concepts of bibliomania and tsundoku were created in the 1800s, well before there were thousands of ads for shiny covers and celebrity authors being flung into your face. people were already buying more books than they could ever possibly read when books were still made with manual typesetting. you can't blame this one on amazon.

that's not even touching the fact that bibliomania is sometimes a symptom of ocd, or the existence of hyperlexia.

sometimes, people just like to do something, and it makes them act irrationally. and, yes, capitalism corrupts that. but to pretend that all human excess is because of capitalism is simply erroneous. you need to stop pretending that eradicating capitalism will make us perfect creatures free from hedonism oh my fucking god

[dreamologisth2o]

Why I Believe Endersmile Is Canon

Because I’m on a bit of an Endersmile binge--

This is all gonna be very messy and just me putting my thoughts together and I’ll probably not be going through the VODs for exact timestamps or anything because that’s exhausting and I applaud the people who do, but here are my thoughts on Endersmile and why I’m 100% convinced it’s canon. They’re besties your honor.

/rp Any names mentioned are referring to their dsmp characters and not the streamers themselves unless specified

First off: The Disc. Dream trusts Ranboo, a lot. He trusts him so much that he literally gave Ranboo one of the two discs he needed to pull off his big plan at the finale. He trusted Ranboo, so much that Ranboo deciding to give the disc back to Tommy or Tubbo wasn’t an option, even though Ranboo was friends with both, which he knew. I don’t know why he gave Ranboo the disc, or how he got the disc from Skeppy in the first place, and I’m sure he did have a hundred and one back up plans for if Ranboo did decide to give Tommy the disc, but asking Ranboo to hold onto the disc in the first place means Dream trusted him to a degree, and that’s big coming from Mr. “Reserved”.

Second: Knowing Dream’s Voice. Ranboo knows/remembers Dream’s voice well enough that he hears it whenever he’s in the panic room, that his subconscious uses Dream’s voice to force Ranboo to confront his fears. For a guy who hasn’t had any one on one time or conversations with Dream in VC on stream, he sure does a really good job imagining his voice. /s 

Basically, they must have spoken, a lot. They must have spent time together outside planning for things or exchanging items or whatever. So much time, in fact, that Dream and Ranboo both end up sharing the same ideology of “People not sides” of “One big happy family” of “Being the person that stops conflicts” of “Being on all sides” of “Mediating between those sides” of “Choosing the side they think is right”. 

During Ranboo’s prison visit dream/nightmare, the Voice tells Ranboo that the only reason Ranboo hasn’t been hearing it lately, is because he hasn’t been speaking with Dream as often. That Ranboo and Dream had talked with each other nearly everyday. And I’m inclined to believe that because the mere existence of the voice proves he’s heard Dream’s voice a lot, or he has a very good memory of Dream’s voice, which, considering his memory problems probably isn’t the case. This is further supported by how ever since Dream’s been in prison, ever since Ranboo banned himself from the prison, he hasn’t heard even a hint of Dream’s voice, not even as he’s remembering more and more.

Third: The Disc War Finale. During the disc war finale, we have in universe proof and out of character confirmation from both cc!Dream and cc!Ranboo that the characters had been staring at each other during the entire thing. Some friends on a discord server have also pointed out how Ranboo appeared to be avoiding Tommy’s gaze unless Tommy’s distracted. And during the entire thing Ranboo’s the only one not holding out a weapon, instead he’s got a book and quill in his hand. We’ve now also got confirmation that Ranboo was Enderwalking during the Disc War Finale, which makes all the strange behaviors make sense because if they’re friends, if they’re allies, then Ranboo didn’t show up to fight Dream. Then Dream might’ve been trying to convey something to Ranboo, like perhaps trying to keep Ranboo from doing something stupid and revealing their alliance. Especially if he planned on being put in Pandora, he really doesn’t need his friend to try and “save” him and ruin the whole plan.

Fourth: The Voice. I am inclined to believe the things the voice says. Why? Because everything the voice is talking about are all the things Ranboo doesn’t want to confront, doesn’t want to see, doesn’t want to remember. The voice isn’t malicious. It’s not even Dream, it’s just using Dream’s voice to make Ranboo listen. And Ranboo knows it’s just himself. (also out of character confirmation from the cc!s that the voice is NOT Dream and never has been, it’s just a manifestation of all the shit Ranboo’s repressed coming up and slapping him in the face) Everything the voice does, all the things it says, is trying to get Ranboo to remember the “bad” things he’s done, to remember that he was on Dream’s side. To force him to face that side of himself that might be capable of doing bad things, if there’s a good enough reason. It exaggerates things, it makes them out to be worse than they actually are, but that’s how it’s able to get Ranboo’s attention, that’s how it’s able to force him to think about those things. Ranboo won’t do anything until he’s forced to face the problem, the Voice is just trying to get Ranboo to do that.

This is why I believe Ranboo DID blow up the community house. Why he’s working with or has worked for Dream in the past. Why he willingly gave Dream his memory book, possibly to create a visible conflict between them and ensure no one would connect them as allies, like what Dream wanted to do with Punz. And also because the other things it’s said, such as Ranboo being given the Cat disc to hold onto, have been proven to be true. Nothing the Voice has said has been confirmed a lie. And many of the things it’s talked about aren’t things we or Ranboo can find the answer to unless he talks to Dream, which is until the dude’s rescued from the prison, isn’t happening. (cc!Dream where’s your Dream lore?!?!?!)

That said, if Ranboo was the one to blow up the community house, then Dream was covering for him during the Disc War Finale. He didn’t have to. He could’ve thrown Ranboo under the bus. But he chose to take on that blame, make himself look even worse in the eyes of everyone gathered there while he was at their mercy, to protect Ranboo from similar persecution. Doesn’t this remind you of anything? And Ranboo’s got a track record of making friends with those who help him.

Fifth: The Visits. Ranboo has visited Dream in prison multiple times. At the very least at least 2 times that we have direct confirmation of, and probably even more. His visits are consistent enough that just a few days after Ranboo bans himself from the prison, Dream notices and starts a strike, tells Sapnap that Ranboo’s stopped visiting, asks him, his best friend who literally threatened to perma-kill him if he were to ever leave his horrible situation, to send a message to Ranboo. (which, I guess Dream still kinda trusts Sapnap despite everything that’s happened, huh?) 

Why would Ranboo visit? Unless they’re friends, unless they’re allies? Because even Dream’s so called best friend only ever visited once. Even Bad who Dream claims to have been the nicest only ever visited once. And while Tommy and Quackity visited more than once, their multiple visits have very clear reasons behind them, while Ranboo’s just, don’t. 

And consider: How did Ranboo know about the things that were said during the Disc War Finale, word for word, line for line, that he wasn’t present for, unless someone’s told him? Unless he heard about it from Dream himself. Unless that was what they were talking about. Unless that’s part of the reason Ranboo kept visiting Dream. 

Sixth: The Lessons. I don’t know about you, but giving life lessons to someone sounds like something you’d do with a friend, and not just a “puppet”. The whole lessons book gives off really mentor mentee vibes, and considering how Ranboo’s following in Dream’s goal of stopping conflict and uniting the server, well. And the lessons aren’t even malicious, or designed to push Ranboo away from others. In fact, many of them, especially the last few ones we see, are designed to protect Ranboo! Unless Ranboo’s safety was a top priority for Dream, there’s not much reason to pass those lessons down. This lines up incredibly well with Dream taking the blame of the community house’s destruction during the Disc War Finale, as well as his protective streak at his own expense when it comes to his allies and the people he cares about. Which means Ranboo is someone he cares about, which means they’re friends! They’re besties your honor!

Seventh: Ranboo’s Vehement Denial. Ranboo is infamous for being an unreliable narrator, for being in incredible denial despite all evidence supporting otherwise. Which means his vehement denial that Dream can be anything but bad is a fairly obvious red flag that that’s not true, and that Ranboo has reason to believe it’s not true, but chooses to actively ignore or forget those reasons and attempts to reinforce the “everything’s Dream’s fault, he can never change and will always be bad” mentality, that sounds like something he stole from Tommy or c!Dream antis, because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he has reasons for believing the opposite. At this point, I am 100% on board with the idea that all these unprompted instances of Dream hate is just a blatant cover up of how that’s not true at all. (Which he touches on, ever so briefly, when he renovates the second stronghold room)

Aaaaand that’s it! For the most part. I could touch on how Enderboo is hoarding all the backbone in this relationship and that the dynamic between Enderboo and Ranboo is closer to that of someone waking up after a sugar high or going for three days straight without sleep than it is two completely separate people or someone who’s literally sleepwalking (and that “Enderboo” is his normal state and “Ranboo” is the sleep deprived not thinking straight state). But this post is already obscenely long and I should end it here. 

TL;DR: They’re besties, your honor.

Anyways, if you got this far, thanks for reading!

[bangtan-madi]

546 Days Without You — Ten: Day 300

Pairing — Seokjin x Reader

Tags — boyfriend!Seokjin, older brother!Yoongi, producer/songwriter!MC, military au (ish), idol au (ish)

Genre — fluff, angst

Word Count — 2.7k

Summary — Kim Seokjin is your entire world, and that world falls apart the moment he and your older brother Yoongi are conscripted into the South Korean military.

Part — 10 / 15

Warnings — none

A/N — I am so sorry for the long wait for this update, guys. Same old story; all work, no play. Hope it's made up for the absence somehow. Thanks for sticking with me <3

Previous — Next

The roar of the crowds grows louder and louder as showtime gets closer. Fans pour in for hours, elated and ecstatic to see the boys in person. Singing and dancing, cheers and laughter, all forms of joy fill Olympic Stadium. As the time grows nearer, you can feel the auditorium start to tremble under your feet. It's far from the first time you've been this close to a show—this has been part of your life for the last eight years—but being such an integral part of it gives the night a whole other feeling.

The only way you can describe it is pure wonder.

Peering down to see the massive crowds finding their seats, ensuring that you remain hidden behind the large stage lighting on the highest balcony, you force yourself to take a deep breath and hold it. It's the one thing that's worked consistently through the last year, and it's the one thing Seokjin's told you on a regular basis. 

"If your breath is off, you'll feel it," he'd repeat over and over on every call. And then he'd follow that up with a silly joke and force you to practice breathing with him. 

To which you'd always give him an eye-roll and sarcastic quip—while practicing with him, of course. It's his way of showing how much he cares. He'd talked you through plenty of moments of self-doubt.

"Remember: Sing for yourself first—the rest of the world can follow suit."

But the shoulder you leaned on that particular night was that of your brother. He'd been promoted recently and was given similar freeing privileges, so you no longer had to rely on such an archaic way of communication.

"Are you nervous for tomorrow?" he'd asked the night before, voice soft and timbre as you remember.

You'd tried to make it seem as if the nerves were gone, but even with the slight tremble in your voice, you could tell that he knew right away. You might've been able to fool most people that you were conquering the hoard of butterflies in your stomach, but Yoongi reads you like an open book.

"And don't lie."

"It's my first live show," you explained. "We've been practicing for the tour for months. I've been nailing my singing and rapping. All of us are spent, and tour hasn't even begun...but we're also the most excited we've been in a while. It feels like we haven't been with the Army in so, so long. Like years have passed."

"So you're torn, aren't you?"

Even though you knew he couldn't see you, you nodded your agreement. "I never thought I'd be so excited to tour with them. At first, I was horrified at the idea. And then I saw the benefits and thought it could be fun. Everyone's been so supportive and helpful. The boys and the team have guided me through all the parts I'd only seen from the sidelines. Now that I'm in the middle of it...I feel both honored and thrilled and terrified and nervous."

Yoongi chuckled softly at the confession. "That's awfully honest of you. Normally I have to pry it out of you."

"What can I say? I've spent an ungodly amount of time with Jimin. Like, even more than before. I'm now a professional feeler."

Your brother's laughter grew in volume, then fades as he insisted, "Well, your feelings are totally valid. The older I get, the more I realize that it's both normal and fine to have conflicting emotions. You can be both excited and scared. You can be nervous and thrilled. You can both be impatient to begin and scared of it, too. That's life. That's the human condition."

"Even if I feel sick to my stomach?" you asked with a chortle. 

"Especially if. We paint our lives as two distinct sides and tell ourselves that we must be in one or the other. We're happy. We're sad. We're scared. We're delighted. There are no in-betweens. But here's the thing: life is not binary. There's no black and white, and you have to learn to be okay with being all of these things at once. It's a lot, but it's the greatest part of life."

"And the worst," you added.

Yoongi laughed, "Well, that's part of it, too!"

You let out a huff of air and felt the uneasiness in your body settle down as his words hit home. "When did you get so wise, Yoongles?"

"I've always been wise. You're just now enlightened enough to see it."

Thinking back on that conversation, you can't help but chuckle and bring your attention back to the moment. The night is unraveling perfectly. All of the work and time and money that's been invested in this tour, especially the first night, is paying off. For once, the universe is on your side, and all is going according to plan. In a few moments, you'll begin the trek down to the stage interior and begin the final prep for the performance.

But in this moment, you stand with arms braced against the metal railing, gazing from the Army, to the stage, and up to the periwinkle sky. The lights are twinkling as bombs light up across the tens of thousands, and the horizon wraps around the stadium like a blanket. The weather is clear and the stars are beginning to show themselves. 

It brings a smile to your face when you realize you're comfortable with the medley of feelings in your chest, and that you find yourself more than willing to face the night with them.

Straightening up, you raise your hand to catch the wind as a breeze sweeps down from the clouds and into the crowds. Your smile grows, and a joyful sound builds in your chest. And for the first time, your heartbeat quickens not from fear alone, but from excitement.

Bounding down the stairs, two at a time, you sneak around the Army and make your way back to the boys. Most of them are already dressed for the first performance, with a couple finishing touches being added to their hair and makeup. Jimin catches your gaze first, forever the worrisome one. You give a reassuring smile, and the tiny line between Jimin's brows dissipates. 

Taehyung pulls you towards the stylist. "You need to get ready," he orders with a playful smile. "We have the first couple of songs, then you're up."

Nodding once, you turn towards your flashy tour garb that hangs on the rack to the side. "Got it."

"Are you ready, [Y/n]-ie?" Hoseok inquires.

You give the now-senior member two thumbs-ups, grin widening. "I got this. We got this!"

Namjoon ruffles your hair as he passes, surprised and thrilled with your eagerness. To which Jungkook shouts, "Let's get it!"

After the vocal line's song comes to an end, and the cheers begin to fade, you're ushered to the lift under the stage. Jimin holds your hand along the way, and he's the one that helps you up the step and onto the platform. Jungkook hands you your sparkly, white mic and leaves his tattooed hand on your trembling fingers as reassurance.

Hoseok adjusts your matching earpieces so that they stay in place, and Taehyung places a stabilizing hand between your shoulder blades. Namjoon's eyes lock with yours, and even though no words are said, the nod he gives you says everything.

Focusing on a calm exhale, you give a thumbs up to the members. As they visibly relax and back away from the platform, you raise your thumb towards the crew. A lever is pulled, and the gears in the lift groan to life. You crouch down as the platform begins to rise, letting your eyes flutter shut in one final moment of tranquility.

White noise. It's the only sound you can hear through the muffling of your earpieces. Not even technology can block out the cheers and elations of Army. The pitter-patter of your heart causes the smile to spread across your face.

Opening your eyes, the platform halts at the top of the stage. You straighten your legs as a rush of adrenaline pumps through your body. The sudden resurgence of energy has you blasting out onto the stage, as perfect as all those days of practice could be. Except this time, you have a sea of lights that play against the dark.

The live track begins to play, and you strut to your on-stage cue. Lifting the microphone to your lips, you begin to sing. From the very first note, the crowd goes wild. It's everything you could've dreamed and more. The way they immediately sing along, the way they dance along with you despite not knowing all the choreography, the way they cheer for someone who's as new to this stage as a trainee. Their support lifts you and carries you along your well-practiced routine.

The melody flows from the first verse to the chorus, then into the second verse. Not once does your voice crack. Not once does your memory falter. Not once do your feet tangle under you. If ever there were a perfect performance, especially with the high note in the bridge before the final chorus, it was this night in Seoul.

You know Seokjin and Yoongi would be proud as hell.

When the song comes to an end, the mic drops from your lips and your head rolls back. You take a moment to let the sight around you imprint in the back of your mind. Every part of this first performance, you want to remember it forever. Even the bittersweet fact that your brother and lover are far away from such an impactful moment.

Tears well up in your eyes as the lights fade. The backup dancers rush off stage, and you're pulled with them. You hadn't expected the sadness to hit you this soon after performing; by the time you're backstage with the members, your sight is blurry and your lips quiver.

"Whoa, whoa." Hoseok is over at your side in an instant, and Jimin cups your face between his palms. "You did great! Why are you crying?"

"You killed it," Jungkook agrees with a bunny-esque grin.

You shake your head fervently, brushing away the tears with the back of your hand. "It's not that," you murmur, and Taehyung wraps you in a back-hug. "It's not that at all."

That's all you have to say, and the others fall silent with understanding. Namjoon gives your shoulder a squeeze, and Jungkook offers you a bottled water. 

"Drink slowly and sit down," the leader orders softly. "Hoseok and I are up next, but take it easy with the maknaes for a second, okay?"

Nodding your acceptance, you watch as the two oldest skip out towards the stage for another wild and passionate performance. Jimin grabs your hand and, threading his fingers through yours, ushers you towards the break area backstage. The music and crowds fade away, replaced by quiet.

Jimin kneels down in front of you, while Taehyung wraps you in a side hug. Jungkook grabs a small snack from the side table and insists you get some food into your system so the shakiness stops.

"We got you," the youngest of the three chides. 

You give the brunet a grateful expression and take the chips from his grasp. It takes all your energy to focus on the three around you, in this moment, and not on the two that are absent. It'd taken you by surprise as you left the stage; you thought you'd come to terms with Seokjin and Yoongi being so far away. But after performing the song that poured out your emotions, you feel raw and exposed and drained. It's near impossible to tear your mind away.

However, eventually, you're calm enough to drink and eat a little, much to their relief. Blinking away the remnants of your tears, you heave a short breath and murmur, "Sorry...I don't know why I got caught up in that again."

Jimin's thumbs brush across your cheeks. "Don't be. It's always emotional performing a song for the first time. We should have warned you."

"And one of the members is always crying after a show," Jungkook chuckles. "So don't beat yourself up."

Taehyung adds, "It's almost always one of us."

The comments cause you to laugh, and the tension in the room dissipates. One of the producers pops her head through the door and says, "Jin's recording is up next. Are you still okay to go on stage?"

The boys turn to you, and you nod assuredly. Standing up, you drag them with you. The gentle squeeze your fingers give lets them know of your choice. They follow you without question.

It’s time to face the music.

And that’s what you keep telling yourself, time and time again, as the stage stands dauntingly ahead. Curtains and props rise up around you. Bombs light up the arena with their iridescent glow. Armys chant and sing, bringing your mind back to the present moment.

Despite the wondrous things you have seen the first day of the tour, despite being surrounded by five of your closest friends–men you consider your brothers, despite the great adventure that lies in front of you, the only thing consuming your mind at this moment is him. What you wouldn’t do to have him beside you, what you wouldn’t trade to thread your fingers through his, what you wouldn’t sacrifice to hear his angelic voice harmonizing with yours.

Then you hear it. 

As if from a hazy dream, somewhere in the fog that is your mind you recognize the vocals that begin to play. Unlike most of the performance, this particular piece is a recording. You’ve lost count how many times you’d watched it, in your darkest moments when the heartbreak in your chest becomes too much to bear.

As you glance to the side, to the gigantic screen at the back of the stage, you see Seokjin’s face exactly as your memory promised. This recording isn’t one from a music video or short film, nor is it from the tour or live show from earlier last year. No, the Jin singing now is barefaced and adorned in an ocean blue sweater with an image of RJ on the chest. A guitar in hand, he sings in the privacy of your home, the one you shared for almost two years before he left. It’s intimate and beautiful and goofy, everything you love to death about the man himself.

And it brings a smile to your face when you hear the song he wrote for you.

A gentle hand grasps yours as the song nears the second chorus. Jimin stands at your side, a look of cautious worry on his makeup-enhanced features. He doesn’t say a word, but his expression tells you what he would say if the microphones weren’t turned on.

Are you okay? Are you holding up? Do you need a moment before we go on again?

Giving a small nod of reassurance, you squeeze the hand of your closest friend in an attempt to reassure him. Jimin nods once and rests his chin on your shoulder. Both of your gazes shift back to the screen, back to Seokjin, back to one of several people you miss more than the world.

You’ve made it 300 days thus far, but it breaks your heart when you remember that you still have 246 days yet to bear. No one should have to stay away from the one they love for 546 days.

At that moment, you pray even harder for the strength and courage to make it 246 more days.

But until then, you’ll keep repeating those six words over and over until your fear disappears.

It’s time to face the music. 

Taglist — @joyful-jimin​​​, @gracehiii​​, @live-2-fangirl​​, @rjsmochii​​​, @btsnatalena​

[darkpoisonouslove]

So I promised @trashcankitty12 a post about my headcanons about Griffin’s friendship with Ediltrude and Zarathustra and I’m delivering.

I’m just going to start with my headcanons for their personalities when they were younger (under a cut because it’s long again):

Ediltrude:

- She was actually the more aggressive twin when they were students and her first response to everything would be violence. Someone said something bad about her? Spell the bitch. Someone sabotaged a scheme of hers? Get revenge. Someone did something to Zara? Okay, call the police because there will be a murder here.

- She was the “wild” one that always had a new boyfriend (that she’d dump after a while and find herself another victim) and was always at parties getting wasted but then showing up the next day at class in top shape. Nobody knew how she was doing that.

- In that vein, she was at the top of every class, always having the best grades. She had to be better than everyone she hated, you know? It was law! There was no question about it.

- She always wanted attention (but, like, in a cute way and mostly from her sis) and her presence demanded it, really. And she was always “fashionably late” (except for classes).

- Jewelry is her thing! Especially rings and necklaces. She hoards them by the ton.

- She can’t cook for shit. And she doesn’t really eat that much (tbh all the witches are anorexic but that’s not a topic I want to delve into rn because I have STRONG opinions about it that don’t belong here). Zara is kind of worried about her, especially when she knows the only thing in her system is alcohol. But Ediltrude seems to be handling herself (better than Zara is tbh)

- Ediltrude is actually very emotional but she hides that fact behind a cold and unfeeling facade that also conceals her trust issues. You don’t have to be worried about people approaching you if everyone’s scared to approach you, you know?

- She’s independent, you know! Never mind that she wouldn’t last a day without her sis because there’d be no one she could talk to.

- She has a fierce love for animals, especially snakes, and had a shitton of them while they were still living at home before signing up for Cloud Tower. Zara was so done with it. Imagine the following convo:

Zara: I can’t step on the floor because your pets are everywhere. Edi: I’m sorry… that you’re a dumbass who can’t remember she can fly. Zara: I’m not flying in my own home! I want to be able to step on the floor. Edi: And I want to be able to take care of my pets in peace. Zara: Oh, I will give you peace! *death glare*

Ironically, Ediltrude’s cat loves Zara (possibly even more than Ediltrude) and always cuddles into her. Zara is so done with all the cat hair on her clothes. She never shoos the cat away though.

- Her other strength is divination which she mostly uses to mess with people by telling them what will go wrong with their relationships. And if you really piss her off, she might give you a prediction of your death.

Zarathustra:

- She was a bit more controlled in her temper compared to her sister but you didn’t want to be the target of her words. She was the queen of sass and sarcasm. Her anger was also more insidious and delayed than Ediltrude’s and while Edi would get her revenge on you on the spot and then proceed with her life, Zara would let you stew in anxiety over when she’d get back at you.

- Zara is actually a few minutes older than Ediltrude. She resorts to calling her “baby sister” sometimes to which Ediltrude’s response always is “Talking shit again I see”. And while Zara would tease her with the fact that she’s a bit younger because she knew it annoyed Edi even if she didn’t show it, she still felt kind of responsible for her as she is a little older (which is kind of ridiculous because she can’t handle herself but we give her points for trying).

- Zara was more awkward in social situations or at least so it seemed because she didn’t bother trying to hide her uneasiness around people. But that wouldn’t stop her from blurting out what was on her mind which usually wasn’t very flattering. But hey, people usually deserved it.

- She’s sort of a nihilist (and would totally fit in with Millennials and Gen Z) and can be a bit depressing to be around sometimes. But she’ll send you all the memes (let’s pretend they had memes, okay). That was her primary way of communication at one point and Ediltrude was a little worried (not to mention sick of the damn memes). But they got over it and Zara is more talkative now.

- She has a more instinctual approach when it comes to magic and didn’t spend that much time studying. She preferred to practice instead and have physical, tangible results instead of something she read in a book which often ended up in a spell gone wrong.

- She is always exhausted because she can never sleep. Ediltrude is pretty convinced the cause is in a potion that went wrong when they were 13 but Zara wouldn’t hear a word of it. She blames it on stress and everyone pissing her off which results in restlessness and sleep problems.

- She pretty much runs on coffee since she gets very little sleep and is kinda a mess. But when it comes to insults, her brain is always ready and on the go. You can’t beat her at that no matter how sleep deprived she is. If only that were true when it came to her studies.

- She is actually a big fan of food (she has to get energy somewhere since she can’t sleep) but stays thin no matter how much she eats. She can barely cook, though, although she is better at it than Ediltrude. But not by much.

- Her strength are potions which she always experiments with. That results in utter chaos at her working space since there are ingredients everywhere. Ediltrude was afraid her animals would accidentally eat the wrong thing and either turn into an object or into a demon.

- Which Zara would’ve probably liked because demons have always been of special interest to her. She’s pretty sure she has a few of those trapped in her own soul and that she would be besties with any demons she can summon. Ediltrude had to keep the summoning spells under lock and key to be sure that she won’t find her sister possessed some day.

Griffin:

- Griffin was the quietest of the three, yet, the most menacing. Nobody dared mess with her after she taught some seniors a lesson for calling her pixie because of the whole thing with Faragonda. Well, nobody but Edi and Zara. But that’s stuff for later.

- She was a bookworm and spent a lot of time in the library, always reading about spells and anything else she could get her hands on, really. Books helped her calm down and escape the crushing reality. She was safe between the pages where the world’s resentment for her couldn’t reach her.

- Her strength were her words but she wasn’t afraid to act when the situation called for it. And there was a situation like that any other day tbh. Someone would decide to be an idiot and she’d have to interfere.

- She was clearly a strategist and would think everything through, coming up with the perfect plan to mess with some fairies or get revenge on a witch that crossed her.

- She was religious about her studies, much like Ediltrude, and the two were always competing for the first place at every class while Zara would just roll her eyes at them and try to take a nap. She didn’t get enough sleep for this shit!

- She is the one member of the trio that can actually cook and won’t burn the whole kitchen down in the process. However, she survives mainly on tea. She has all the tea and that’s pretty much her only intake when it comes to food and liquids. Zara was absolutely shocked when she learned that. Even Ediltrude enjoyed a normal, healthy meal once in a while. But not Griffin. Makes you wonder why she’s so good at cooking. She actually enjoys taking care of others by making them meals but she would never admit it.

- She knows everything about plants and is a specialist on herbalism. Have a health problem? She’ll cure you in hours. She has so many plants you feel like you’re in the jungle.

- She’s not that much into animals but crows have always liked her and she - them. They are one of the most intelligent animals and she feels them as companions in a way. Their presence calms her and helps chase away the loneliness.

- She also knows everything about crystals and how to use them in spells. Especially healing spells. She’s always been good at those but all the negativity and hate the world has been giving her for the fact that she’s a witch with dark magic pushed her to seek out the more destructive side of her magic and utilize it instead of what she was naturally good at.

- Her knowledge of astronomy helps her coordinate her spells so that they draw power from the cosmos, making her magic even stronger since she’s using nature in her favor. It gave her a big advantage on all the other witches and she loved showing off with that by challenging seniors to sparring (when she wasn’t one herself) and defeating them.

Now for the friendship:

- Griffin was transferred into the twins’ room after it turned out Faragonda was a fairy. So it was kind of a last minute arrangement and nobody was happy about it. Least of all Griffin and Edi and Zara.

- The three didn’t like each other at first. The twins were hellbent on giving her grief about being a fairy but she quickly managed to “convince” them not to do it. Magic was involved. It wasn’t pretty. They learned not to mess with her though. Still, that only made the relationship between them even more strained. Not to mention that Griffin couldn’t stand the arguments between Zara and Edi and would soon get involved into the mess herself.

- Sharing a dorm room wasn’t easy for the three of them since they practically had no space to move around. Between Griffin’s plants, Zara’s potions and Ediltrude’s clothes the room was packed. Quite a few incidents with Zara’s potions occurred because of the limited space. Not to mention that the tensions always raised through the roof in the matter of seconds thanks to the stuffy atmosphere.

- To add to that, Ediltrude had had the brilliant idea to sneak two of her snakes into the room. Even Zara didn’t know about that so she was quite scandalized when Griffin found the snakes in her bed. Ediltrude begged them both to keep her secret. Zara agreed easier than Griffin who finally gave in on condition that Ediltrude failed that upcoming test they had. It was more of a test of its own, though, since she wanted to see just how much the snakes meant to her. She didn’t let her fail in the end. That was when Ediltrude realized that the two of them may have more in common than originally thought, acting tough but that was actually only a veneer that hid a sensitive soul underneath.

- Zara found out how caring a person Griffin actually was when she blew up one of her plants with a potion gone wrong but instead of getting angry with her, Griffin made her some tea to help her sleep and concentrate to avoid more of those accidents. At first Zara thought she was trying to poison her but when she saw the results, she was grateful to Griffin. That was the first time in years that she actually managed to sleep like a normal person.

- The three soon figured out how well they work as a team and then it was over for all of those other witches. Of course, there was still the problem with the space they were facing but things ran much smoother when they weren’t at each other’s throats all the time. Their energy went into making life miserable for everyone else. And they were too good at it. From hating each other they went to being inseparable.

- So when Ediltrude’s snakes were finally discovered during senior year, Griffin and Zara stood up for her. Which earned them suspension for a month as well. That month was well utilized, though, in wreaking havoc all around their home planets with their friendship going as strong as ever.

- In fact, they only fell out of touch when Griffin joined Valtor and the Ancestral Witches.

That’s all I got for you today! Now I want to make an aesthetic about the three of them! Damn, and I have a lot of other stuff to work on. I’m going out of my mind here with everything I want to get done!

[aramis-dagaz]

Creating a Monster: The Vros

I was originally planning on describing the various sapient species of the Firmament starting with a few of the more common ones, but during a long and boring meeting at work I brainstormed a lot of ideas for one of my more unusual, non-humanoid species.  Looking over my notes, I realized that this would be a great opportunity to show how my creative process works.

So without further ado, let us discuss the Vros.

Creative Origins The initial spark for what would become the Vros came from a D&D blog called Goblin Punch, which I highly recommend for its awesome worldbuilding and D&D content.  Goblin Punch is focused mainly on homebrew editions of D&D that are streamlined versions of older editions of the game where most of the fun is making the most out of limited resources and abilities, combat is very lethal, and strange and random curses and mutations force your character to adapt.  Since this version of D&D takes inspiration from its roots, there's a lot of weird and silly Gygaxian and late 70s/early 80s sci-fi and fantasy stuff going on.

One race described in this blog is the spherical wizard, a magic user who is, well, a sphere.  Pretty silly concept, yes, but spherical wizards get a bunch of really interesting abilities and limitations.  For example, spherical wizards don't have any limbs or hands and cannot move under their own power without using spells, but in return they grow larger and gain HP as they memorize spells.  In addition, they also get some thematic sphere-based powers, such as being able to magically compress things such as monsters into spheres and then slam into them like a cue ball.  These powers and limitations are pretty evocative, and they got my mental gears turning.  What would a spherical wizard character be like?  How would they go about adventuring or even just day-to-day living if they are just a living ball that can't move on their own?  What would their culture be like, and how would they integrate into cultures of other species?

Whenever I see or read about something that gets this line of questions going, part of me wants to establish it in my setting so I can explore it.  Having awesome pictures like this one also helps.

So, we have a concept of a species of sphere-shaped monsters who have powerful magical talent and abilities to offset whatever physical limitations they have due to the fact that they are a limbless, living spheroid.

Hmmm, I swear I've heard of a similar idea somewhere else before...

Joking aside, the fact that these spherical magic-using creatures resemble beholders gives us some worldbuilding opportunities.  For one thing, all iconic fantasy creatures and monsters have a niche in the world and narrative: zombies are mindless, shambling monsters powered by evil forces, demons are literally pure evil incarnate, orcs are aggressive barbarians, drow are the evil, sinister versions of the typically good and noble elves, and dragons are nigh-unstoppable forces of destruction that hoard wealth of all kinds.  By looking at the niche of established monsters both in their world and in the narrative, we can find ideas to further explore as well as to subvert.

So what is the niche of beholders?  In terms of D&D, they are generally powerful magic users and egotistical megalomaniacal masterminds that tend toward the rather mundane evil motivations of believing that they are superior beings and deserve to be in charge of everything.  What makes them particularly dangerous is that they have the power and abilities to get what they want.  What makes them iconic are their weird and monstrous appearance and how their magical power works.  What makes them memorable villains is that despite their monstrous appearance and power, they are not too much different from a comic book supervillain.  Take Lex Luthor or the Penguin, make them beholders, and the villain for your next D&D campaign arc is ready to go.

So what can we use from this?  One option is to simply reskin beholders as a race of spherical wizards and adapt them into my world.  Alternatively, we can use the list of traits and narrative roles to decide what we want to keep, discard, or even invert.  Since I like the idea of all sapient monsters not being inherently good or evil, I decided to make them not evil masterminds, but just another species of sapient beings with some inherent magical abilities and perhaps some rather bombastic and larger-than-life personalities.  Unlike the megalomanical, arrogant, and xenophobic personalities of beholders, these beings have a common culture and society or freely integrate into the cultures of other communities with few thinking that this is unusual.

So now we have a concept for a species of intelligent monsters that have magical abilities, physical limitations, and a general place in the world.  That's a good start, but we're far from over.

[pokemon-go-kids]

Facts about muses {As a treat}

Elizabith

×Hack, her Gengar, was her first Pokemon. When Elizabith was 6, she had run away from home after a bad encounter with Zapdos!Spark.  She wound up in a old cemetery where she encountered a Gastly, who had been abandoned by a trainer who was “shiny hunting”. She stayed there for the night, then went to Willows lab with the Gastly in tow. Elizabith dubbed him the name Hack, and soon the duo became inseparable. To make up for Zapdos scaring her, Spark let her catch the Pokemon and make it her own, making Elizabith the first of the kids to catch her own Pokemon.

×Her first starter was a Bulbasaur, which Elizabith named Bubbles after the spots on her. Her first actual starter (for the Galar challenge) was a Sobble which she named Ramune.

×Elizabith spent so much of her time around Pokemon as a child, that she didn’t really talk to other children. Her parents told her to interact with the other kids more and she did, but they typically bullied her. The first friend Elizabith ever made, was a new girl named Joanie.

Ace

×Aces first pokemon was his Litten, Tony. He got him when he did the Alola challenge. Their relationship is brotherly outside of battle, but this proves for a strong connection in battle. Ace does admit to a small regret for evolving Tony so soon, as he misses the little Litten sleeping on his bed.

×Hot Wings was a gift from his mother once he returned from Alola. The Torchic is rather hot-headed, much like her trainer. She gets jealous easy, but typically only attacks her Ace during her fits. Despite everything, she has an odd respect for Tony and seems to look up to him in a way. The two both love Ace very much.

×Ace understands Elizabiths fear of Zapdos the best, as he has had more than one sour encounter with Moltres  The most prominent was one where Moltres remarked, “I could burn you to ash and feel little sorrow, do not think I won’t make it happen.” After that encounter, he marks the change in the twos relationship.

×One of Ace’s biggest guilty pleasures is cake. He tries to eat healthy and what not, steer clear of pointless sugars, but he can’t resist a good slice of cake. Usually you can find him around the house sneaking a few bites, or if he’s in one of his moods, devouring an entire slice as fast as he can. His favorite is Black Forrest, or Chocolate with Vanilla frosting.

×He briefly considered joining team Mystic and even did a year working with them, but ultimately decided to return to team Valor.

Quinn

×Quinn is scared of the dark. When they were younger the power went out while they were in the lab. In the brief 5 minutes the power was out, Quinn was jumped on in the dark by an Umbreon and shoved into a table. They managed to stay still for 5 minutes and when the generator kicked in, turning on the lights, all they saw was the blood on floor. Ever since then, they’ve been weary of the dark.

×Their first pokemon was a Mudkip which they named Kipper. Kipper stays at home while Quinn is traveling, and doesn’t really leave without Quinn due to a deformity. One of Kippers legs didn’t grow properly as a result he struggles with walking. Quinn is looking into Prosthetics and hopes to have a prototype ready soon.

×They speak French from their time in Kalos. Its a bit rusty and they struggle with reading it, they can understand it at best.

×Quinn sleeps in full pants and long sleeve pajamas, surrounded by ice Pokemon. Its because they can’t sleep if their too hot or too cold and this is the only solution they’ve found as of yet. When their sick they switch it to tank top and shorts with fire Pokemon.

×When it comes to Articuno, Quinn can’t really define their relationship. Articuno is pretty neutral to all the siblings, but does seem to treat them better than the other legendary birds.

Joanie

×Joanie doesn’t actually have any Pokemon. Her aunt and uncle didn’t think she was ready for them when they were alive, and Darkrai’s aura scares most Pokemon away from her now. At most she has Darkrai and sometimes a Litwik he brings with him. Joanie dryly remarks, “I am not Darkrais trainer any more than he is my Pokemon, if anything I’m his to boss around.”

×Her parents moved to the area and literally TAUGHT her how to befriend Elizabith, like schooled her and everything. The plan was to use Joanie to lure Elizabith to them so they could kidnap her and use her as blackmail. It backfired and they were arrested, and Joanie moved away to live with her aunt and uncle. When she returned and Elizabith still thought they were friends, she was disgusted. Even now, she rebukes Elizabith ad keeps telling her “I was literally instructed on how to be your friend, we were never truly friends.” This is partially, if nor majorly, because Joanie secretly feels bad for what her parents did to Elizabith.

×Joanie wanted to be a hair stylist when she was younger. She would practice on all her dolls, and even on Elizabith once.

×Because of her bond with Darkrai, Joanie has lost the ability to have dreams of her own. Depending on how Darkrai’s feeling he may give her some great dreams, no dreams at all, or even a nightmare from his trial. No matter what, Joanie usually wakes up feeling like she needs at least one more hour of sleep and always has bags under her eyes as a result.

Swift

×She gave herself the name Swift after she successfully evaded a hoard of angry Gavantula. One of her fellow grunts complimented her on how fast she’d been, and on the spot replied, “Well, they call me Swift for a reason!” And nobody ever questioned who called her Swift.

×Swifts family is well known in Galar as one of the most generous families in Whydon. They come from old money, and added to that with their flying Taxi business. The youngest of 6, Swift used to spend her days in Spikemuth actively avoiding her families expectations and responsibilities. Eventually, on a vacation to Alola when she was 16, Swift ran away and wound up joining Team Skull. From there’s she’s been on the run from the law and her parents for about 3 years now.

×Swift did pretty well in school on her own, and graduated a year early by cheating off of other. One of her favorite school activities was reading, but teachers and curriculum slowly took that away from her until she just stopped enjoying it. What’s the point of reading when everyone only wants you to read boring books?“

×Her first Pokemon was an Espurr which she named Strawberry. Her Pokemon in alola was a Mimikyu which she named Pumpkin, "because your wearing a costume like its Halloween, and pumpkins make me think of Halloween!”

×She’s a kleptomaniac, and genuinely tries to catch herself before it happens. It’s partially why the cops are on her ass, but once they realized, “She might not mean to do this” they only gave her community service as opposed to jail time.

[witchywitchstudies]

Witchy note before beginning New Moon Ritual:

Snow brings so much to me

I love and appreciate what it symbolizes to me as well

Rebirth- growth, refreshed. Restart. Build over. Covering footsteps of the past. Leaving no trace or clear boundary of where earth and water begin. Reflection, light bearing, soft, beautiful but also dangerous if not respected. (Not very different from Lava now that I think about it!)

Being able to gaze upon it, especially while reflecting with friends from the heart over the phone, has been such a healing experience.

I think seeing beauty in front of me helped me process the beauty in everything and the beauty that was happening now and around me- with our conversation and time together, and even helped me see the beauty in me- which I will say is rare for me to be aware of, that self reflection and self love. (Have I ever realized over the past few days, how life is definitely a team sport! At least for most of us- I imagine the only people that don’t, live a solo life- in the woods/mountains- in a cabin chopping wood, etc.)

I feel Nature could be the best medicine for any ailing mind, body, spirit, even soul. Or someone experiencing all of the above.

Just wish I could remember its with me everywhere, and able to be carried anywhere- my hands, feet, eyes, ears, etc.

Best way to help me fight those unwanted animalistic behaviors humans biologically have on the daily, yo.

Fight those unwanted animalistic behaviors I feel don’t help me be the best that I am. Nature, help remind me that I am human, and human only. Full of imagination, power of creation, light and love, but also mistakes and unrealized behaviors. We must walk in self-love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and humor.

Hope/Wonder probably wouldn’t hurt either. ;)

Alright! New Moon Ritual Time!

Sat. ~2:30PM

Notes for New Moon Seeds taken earlier in the week:

It’s a New Moon today

And it’s starting to snow for the next 4 days

Pretty magical and awesome

What seeds do I want to plant for this next moon cycle?

Goals/Interests:

—Start research/first steps towards becoming educated in Social Justice, Human Rights, and how to properly be an activist.

— First steps towards being an activist, sign up for Social Justice and Human Rights and Civil Rights (taking the next steps following the above)

— Research Viking/Nordic/pagan similiar gender fluid terms/genders

— Start a Patreon Draft-write out draft/business plan/purpose/schedule; post weekly versus bi-weekly, mental health, social justice, art process, personal facts, personal art, the development and maintanence of the artist artistically, spiritually, physically and mentally-etc- nail it down to x amount of topics, etc., goodies, etc.

— Practice walking in Self-Love every day. Build Ego strength, confidence, emotional IQ and awareness. Take note of what self image/identity/ptsd flags are

— Rituals- draft pm and reasses am

— Reading book list

— Create create create, draw draw draw

— Wolf Paw Pins!!!

— Organize (and maybe prioritize?) big goals- patreon, comic, tarot deck, store merch-schedule timing of releases(if do able), twitch/discord, super hero personaetc.

Animals popping up-

Hearing humminbird

Raccoon stories

Coyote stories

Bear stories

Have been really digging listening to podcasts made by WOC - “Thanks For Your Concern” and “The Self- Love Fix” podcast to name a few

Been really enjoying the work rituals that have fallen into place- naturally happened. Maybe feel that out with home as well?

I’ve been heavily enjoying journaling during my break, and listening to motivating self love podcast.

Gives me a sense of calm. Peace. Closeness to self, or at least closer before approaching an unpredictable day. (A fear I am working more on facing- unpredictability. A moment of calm/self time/moment/quiet/no distractions/focus/freshness before doing anything, especially outside, helps a lot in this area.)

This cycle’s crystal pack: Business, Motivation, Self-Love, Creativity, Human/Civil/Social-Justice/Rights, Identity

Fluorite: Business, motivation, creativity, self-work

Jade: Business, justice,

Lodestone: business, motivation, spirituality (find your path),

Malachite: Business, self work, transformation

Tiger’s Eye: creativity, success (business), self-work,

Tourmaline: business, self-work, transformation, self-love

Amethyst: Justice, self-work, creativity

Carnelian: Justice, creativity, self—work,

Rose Quartz: Justice, self-love

Tarot Reading: (2 cards fell out, as soon as I started to ask- and got paranoid they were not the cards. I looked at them anyway, just in case. Guess what. I shuffled, cleared the mind, shuffled, cut the deck and pulled the bottom of the deck- rare for me to do for the moon ritual. ALL THAT IS HOLY. The cards were the same xD Hilarious. Thank goodness my deck and the universe is so kind, especially with my suspicions and paranoia. XD)

Ace of Wands: Good Judgement needed more than ever, don’t rush into it. Thrilling to embark on new journey- growth all around, ideas and outlook expand, creativity seems endless. Fertile time- Expansion and Inspiration

The Sun (Also in last Full Moon’s reading): Spend some extra time outside today, be grateful for the radiance of the sun and the life force it gives all creatures. Soaking in warm rays- nourishing, healing, all aches and pains fade away. Sun brings amazing energy into life, Vitality and health abound-feel assurance and clarity in all doings- Vitality, enlightenment.

As a story/together: interesting- there is something big in the center for both of these cards. The Ace of Wands- the center is a radiating blooming wand- (Ume? Shinya and I were talking about? Blooming before spring?) Surrounded by a white light/glowing, and radiating yellow to orange to red, outward. Beautiful. The sun card is bordered with doves flying in each corner direction, away from the center, two up and two down, NE, SE, SW, NW- the center, red hot black sun. Radiating from the darkness, rods, strands, energies, beams, fractals of light, energy, saturation, color and burst-forth ness, but smoothly, from the center of eternity and forever- it seems. Vitality. Goes from black, to red, to orange, to yellow, to green at the birds, and blue beyond that. Radiating further outward when coming from the depths. Ace of wands powerful, beautiful, radiant, but the Sun is vibrant- beaming from a deeper darker place, but shining and bringing forth oh so much light and warmth. Ooooo.. tell-tale of self reflection, love and how it will help me fight for justice?

Rune Reading:

Fehu (again interestingly) - Wealth, especially-

“livestock, especially cattle. Latin made the same associations—our word “pecuniary” comes from the Latin pecus, a cow—demonstrating that for the early Indo-Europeans, wealth was not only transferable, but could move under its own power. Like the Celts, the early Germanic peoples were a cattle culture. Dairy products were a staple of the diet. The most valued beasts were kept through the winter in one end of the communal longhouse. The animals which could not be fed until spring were sacrificed to honor the gods and feed the people. One way or another, wealth was counted in cows.

Wealth to be guarded, not hoarded- “Nor should it lull one into a false sense of security. Welcome though it may be, it must be taken as a gift of the gods. Neither the fruits of the earth nor the love of others can ever be owned (the last verse implies a special warning not to treat women as property!). They are loaned to us only, to be used productively and shared with others. True riches are the wealth the soul gains from a life well-lived.”

“Meanings ascribed to this rune by modern commentators range from the mystical to the practical. Willis believes that the kind of wealth represented by cattle is that which grows when cared for, which can produce more money when wisely invested, but that the rune sometimes means the need to conserve resources. Thorsson, on the other hand, sees in the rune motion and expansion of power, mobility, luck, and fertility.

FEHU is always a rune of productivity, though the context may vary. Spiritual or artistic creativity, physical fertility, or the ability to create or to maintain wealth can be indicated, or it may signify an improvement in one's finances or health.

FEHU is one of the runes used to invoke passion, productivity, and prosperity in a couple being married. (And gardening growth/nourishment!)

Advice Card Reading: (The Four Agreements)

Be Ware of Unconcious Assumptions

Become a White Witch (with my word as well- the biggest!)

[special-agent-fiction]

The Promise - Chapter Seven

Pairing: Reader x Thorin Oakenshield (Slow Burn aka Friends First)

Summary: Taken in by the Durin’s when she was a child, Eleonóra has lived through it all; the glory of Erebor, Smaug, the journey to Erid Luin and now a Quest to reclaim the hallowed halls stolen from them so many years ago. With a promise to a dying princess to fulfill she will do anything to keep her boys, all of them, safe from whatever lies ahead on the road to their lost homeland.

Warnings: Allusions to Post-Natal Depression, Childbirth, Labour Complications and Major Character Death. 

Chapter Seven - Mahal Giveth and Mahal Taketh Away

The scene unfolding in front of Thorin’s eyes was one he would undoubtedly treasure forever; the fireplace in his home was blazing as the last moon of Autumn slid into place high above their under-mountain home, their table was almost full and the air was full of laughter as members of his family filled their living room.

“If you’re going to take up space in my kitchen, you’d better plan on making yourself useful.” He tore his eyes from the sight of Fili practically glued to Balin’s side as the dwarf read to him from whatever tome the boy had decided on from their small collection, to the woman at his side holding a masher in her outstretched hand as she stirred a pot.

“It wouldn’t be Durin’s Day without my famous potatoes.” He laughed, taking the implement from her hand and moving to the pot of freshly boiled potatoes cooling on the worktop.

“Your famous potatoes.” She scoffed at the statement. “Funny how they only became famous after I told you to add cheese.”

His retort died in his throat and was replaced by a grin as the final member of their small family signalled his arrival with two hard bangs on their front door.

“I won’t hesitate to bill you for a new door.” Ellie called out as he opened the rickety piece of wood that he’d been meaning to replace for years now and revealed the waiting Dwarf.

“And a happy Durin’s Day to you too, Ellie.” Thorin simply laughed at Dwalin’s deadpan reply to the woman who was a full head shorter than him but no less fierce.

“Welcome, brother.” Thorin greeted the man, the pair reaching out to each other in sync as they clasped the backs of their necks and pulled them close; foreheads touching with a force he knew made Ellie wince, before stepping back and allowing the bulky man in.

“Uncle Dwalin!” The dwarf barely had time to remove his furs before a small blonde blur launched himself at the warrior.

“Just when I thought he was starting to get sleepy.” Balin sighed, shutting the book and standing. “Evening brother.”

“Evening brother.” Dwalin replied, meeting the man in the same embrace as Thorin. “Am I late?”

“Not at all.” Thorin told him as Balin moved back to his seat on the sofa, Fili in hand as the lad was promised a more exciting tale after dinner. “We’re still preparing.” He held up the masher with a grin.

“Your famous potatoes!” The warrior laughed. “I knew this would be worth travelling for.”

“Ah, I’d travel from the ends of the world for Ellie’s cooking – that girl knows how to operate a kitchen.” Thorin laughed at Dwalin’s compliment, the man rubbing his full stomach with joy as he leant back in his chair at the now empty table. “You’re a lucky man.”

“That I am.” He smiled, his eyes instinctively flitting over to the woman in question as she sat side-by-side with Dis, the pair whispering about something as Fili slept between them; his head on Ellie’s lap as she absentmindedly stroked his hair.

“And a happy one too, by the looks of things.” Balin added, stealing back Thorin’s attention with a sly smile.

He liked this part of Durin’s Day the best; the part where the celebrations start to die down and blind merriness is replaced with true conversation. It had become a tradition of sorts now; they would all converge on this house, with Dwalin travelling in from whatever far flung place he’d wandered too in the months past, and would celebrate their most holy of holidays together, as a family.

When the meal was over and done with, Ellie and Dis would retire to the living room to relax while the three men cleared up and then filled their tankards to the brim with whatever Thorin had been hoarding for this exact day, and just be.

“Aye.” He agreed. “But why wouldn’t I be? My family are all here and Mahal gifted us with a full table.”

“Fili’s growing into quite the young lad.” Dwalin observed. “Now might be a good time to hand over that sword you’ve been working on since he was born, turn him into a real git khuzi.”

“Not yet. When he’s a little more balanced with the wooden one I’ll take him up top – out of harm’s way.” Thorin smiled at the thought. “Besides, he’ll be far too preoccupied with a new friend soon.”

“New friend?” Balin asked with a frown.

“Aye.” Thorin lifted his tankard. “We’ve a new Durin on the way.”

There was moment of silence before Dwalin reacted to the news.

“About dammed time!” The victorious slap on the back from the large dwarf all but choked him as he took a drink of his ale.

“I knew that happiness in your eyes was different, Thorin.” Balin grinned as Throin tried to cough out the ale that had stuck in his lung. “I’m so pleased for you; both of you.”

“Like I said; about time!” The dwarven brothers knocked their tankards together in a sort of toast before drinking heavily and giving Thorin the time he needed to decipher their strange reaction to the news.

“I’m just glad…” Balin started, wiping at his chin as he lowered his tankard. “…that you’ve moved past all those burdens you’ve lumped on your shoulders for all these years and are ready to accept Erid Luin as not just your home for now, but your family’s home for the foreseeable future.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You and Ellie of course.” Dwalin rolled his eyes. “Damn baby’s already got his mind in a twist.”

His eyes snapped back to Ellie and he suddenly saw all that they did when they entered his home: the pair of dwarves with their lives so closely intertwined both working to bring the family together for an important celebration. He saw how at home Ellie was with Fili asleep on her lap and how the three men sat together drinking could be seen as his way of trying to announce something of vital importance.

“Dis is pregnant.” He said, his eyes moving back to them just in time to see their smiles fade slightly and them share a look as realisation dawned.

“Ah.”

It was firmly winter now, the cold chill in the air was present even deep with their mountain community. But despite the cold it was a good day; the market was bustling with every cart packed full of commodities and spirits were high as celebrations from Durin’s Day continued to occur despite the date having passed.

That’s the thing about losing so much, Ellie mused as a group of children rushed past her, you cling onto the important stuff so much more. And Durin’s Day was important, it was the start of a new year for them; for this group of people who thought their first winter out of Erebor would be their last on this Earth as the snows descended on their ramshackle camps in the wilds.

But today was good for far more reasons too; firstly, she’d finally made her decision about what she wanted to do with her life. She’d assumed that the merchant knocking at their door late into the night had been bearing bad news so it had been more than a surprise for him to sit at their table and offer a business deal instead. She had been shocked, Thorin apparently, hadn’t. the man insisted that he’d been waiting for someone to actually offer her money for one fo her drawings for some time now, especially as they’d gotten larger and more elaborate following the ready availability of paints courtesy of Dis’ husband.

“I told you having a merchant in the family would be a good thing.” Thorin had said as she squealed in delight over a new shade of green. She’d merely elbowed him in the stomach, deciding to forgo a reminder of his stubbornness all those years earlier, and thanked the merchant for his kindness before re-wrapping the paint and storing it away for future use.

“Looks like a certain stall is getting quite the crowd.” Dis teased, nudging her as they rounded a corner and were met with the sight of a rather busy cart; it’s owner exchanging coins for landscape drawings with ease.

“They’re likely doing it out of some misplaced loyalty.” She said, turning from the stall. “Why would these people, who have received a simple sketch as a present for years, buy more of my work?”

Dis rolled her eyes. “Because you’re talented.” She told her, looping her arm through her own. “Isn’t that right, mim razdith?” She asked, smiling down at the five-year-old holding onto Ellie’s free hand as he nodded eagerly.

That was the other reason for her happiness; Dis. Though only just beginning to show, her pregnancy was clear to see as she walked everywhere with hand protecting her growing bump and grinning to everyone who stopped to ask how she was.

The dark cloud that had surrounded the princess for the past few years seemed to be losing its hold on her. She wasn’t sure if it was the excitement of a new baby or the fact that her husband had promised to reduce his travels after coming home to find that his son barely knew him. Not that Fili lacked male role models though, Thorin was rarely from the boy and Balin was a huge part of his life too. Between them they’d started the lessons that all members of the royal family had once received at young ages in Erebor and it warmed her heart every time she saw a glimpse of a true prince in the boy’s eyes. One that promptly faded whenever Dwalin showed up with a new tale of adventure and a mini weapon to re-enact it with.

But everything seemed to be falling into place for Dis and she was confident that she’d not be needed as much anymore: Fili was older, they weren’t living pay-check to pay-check anymore and Dis was far more prepared for a baby this time around.

It’s why she’d said yes to selling her work and judging by how much money the man had delivered to her from his last outing into the lands of Men, she wouldn’t be scrabbling for grocery money anytime soon either.

Things were falling into place for her too, she supposed. Less time with Dis meant more time at home and more time at home, meant more time with Thorin. Thorin. She’d be a fool to say that she hadn’t noticed how close they were; how comfortable they were together especially when it was just the two of them and a small child. They’d never spoken about how easily they’d fallen into a routine together and now, with Dis firmly building her own life, maybe they’d finally have the chance to explore what they could be if left alone.

Thorin made her happy. He made her feel warm and safe and she knew that if they were ever going to get back onto the track they’d been heading towards back in Erebor, it would be now. she knew that he thought himself unworthy these days; that his forge was no replacement for the crown he’d lost but she was desperate to show him that the throne had never been the reason she spent time with him. That she filled her days with him because of who he was, not who he would have been.

If riches and parties had been her plan, she’d have married long ago to all the men who wrote to her when they’d settled here. Thorin had never seen the inked promises of silks and jewels and he never would; they’d become ash as soon as she reached the end of the page and her replies, though courteous, had been simple: No.

They continued to wander through the maze of stalls, stopping now and then to finger at something that took their eye until the sound of a hammer moulding steel filled their ears. Fili instantly perked up, whether at the promise of warmth from the forge or just the prospect of seeing his beloved uncle. Dis smiled too as they neared the familiar forge and called out a greeting to the only man in Erid Luin who wasn’t bundled up against the cold: sweat running down his forehead, Thorin pushed his loose hair from his eyes and grinned at the approaching party.

Yes, today was a good day, she decided, glancing once more at the busy market square before stepping into the warmth of the smithy.

“We told him not to.” The dwarf wrung his hat between his hands as he spoke, never daring to meet their eyes. “Told him that in those winds it would impossible.” Ellie’s hand tightened around Dis’ as he continued. “But he went anyway emulhekh. We couldn’t stop him and then the snow shifted and…” He trailed off, his eyes moving from his hands to Thorin’s as Dis’ sobs intensified. “We dug through the night.” He told him, eyes watering at the memory as Thorin nodded solemnly. “Knew we had to bring him home.”

“And we will never be able to thank you enough for that.” Thorin’s voice sounded too loud in the smallness of their living room.

“No thanks needed, thanu men.” The dwarf insisted. “He was one of us.”

Any further words of apology and sympathy were lost to Ellie as Dis let out another sob and she pulled the Princess close. They’d been in this position once before, she remembered; the memory of Dis sobbing into her as news of Frerin, Thrain and Thror was recounted to them. Thorin had had to be the strong one then as he was now; leading the dwarf back out of the house and no doubt making the first arrangements for the body to be prepared.

“He promised he’d come back to me.” Dis cried, her words muffled slightly by Ellie’s shoulder. “Promised he wouldn’t go so far anymore and we could be a proper family.” Ellie glanced down the protruding stomach that separated them from being any closer. “Why was he so stupid?”

She had no answer for her and instead resorted to shhing her and rubbing her back as the woman emptied her eyes.

She supposed that he’d attempted the crossing for the simple reason of it would be his last chance too. From what she’d heard, the narrow strip separating Edoras from Erech was treacherous even in the height of summer but now, with the winds so fast and the snow so blinding, trying to follow the rivers path had been deadly.

“How will I tell Fili?” Dis asked, her sobs receding as the initial wave of grief began to subside into plain worry. “How do I tell him his father is dead?”

“Dis...” She sighed, not knowing what to say to her as the Princess sat up.

“And what will I say to this one?” She asked, one hand on her stomach. “At least Fili will have some memory of his father, this one will never know him.”

“They won’t need to.” She hadn’t heard Thorin re-enter the room. “We’ve enough stories of him between us; it’ll be as though he is here.”

“But he won’t be.” Dis refused to look up at him as he rested a hand on her shoulder. “He won’t be here.”

“No, he won’t.” Ellie agreed. “But neither is Frerin, or your father and grandfather and Fili knows of them; knows who they are and what they did.” She sat forward on the sofa and took Dis’ hands in her own. “People aren’t lost if their memory lives on.”

“Will you help me?” She asked, voice cracking as she glanced between Thorin and Ellie. “I can’t do this alone.”

“Of course we will.” Ellie’s voice was soft as she met Thorin’s eyes above Dis’ head. With a sad smile, she turned from him and stared into their blazing fireplace where all her dreams of their future were now residing.

Everything was different this time; there had been no urgent knock at the door telling them that Dis was in labour because they had been with her, as they had been now practically everyday since the funeral; Thorin wasn’t downstairs waiting for any sound of new life because he far above them on the mountains’ surface distracting Fili; and there were no shared smiles between the labouring princess and her midwives because the older dwarves had already told them that something was wrong.

It had started yesterday when Dis had all but collapsed in her kitchen. Thorin had caught her before she hit the floor but things hadn’t been right since; heart pounding, breath clipped and a sudden gasp as pain seared through her stomach had seen her confined to bed within the hour. Then the vomiting had started and just when Ellie was convinced things couldn’t get worse; her waters broke.

Now she was red-faced and panting even as the contractions subsided and the damp cloth that had been laid over her eyes was apparently doing little to quell her crippling headache.

“What can I do?” She whispered to the midwives as they shared another grim look. “Please, let me help her.”

“There’s nothing that can be done, azbadu men.” The female dwarf took her hand as Dis let out another groan. “It’s going to be a long night.”

The baby was a handful of minutes old when the tides turned on them again; the last hour had gone smoothly and Dis’ headache had started to subside as the promise of a new baby had kept her going.

They’d barely had chance to tell her that she was the mother to another son when the convulsions had started. She’d turned with the bundle in her arms and almost dropped them as the princess’ eyes rolled backwards in her head and she started to fit.

She’d been useless, absolutely useless as the midwives tried to hold Dis down and stop the jerky movements her limbs were making. The baby safely tucked up in its waiting bassinet, Ellie had practically thrown herself down the stairs and out into the street, she’d latched onto the first dwarf she’d seen and somehow they’d been able to understand her rushed beg for help.

Thorin arrived barely twenty minutes later, almost as red-faced as his now conscious sister, with Fili in his arms.

“Let me see her.” His voice had been deathly low and she envied the bravery the midwife clearly had as she once again refused him entry into the bedroom, promising that once she was decent and comfortable she’d let them in.

“Ellie.” Dis’ voice, by comparison, had been shaky as she held out a hand to her brushing away the midwife trying to listen to her chest with a cone-shaped instrument.

“It’s okay, Dis.” She shushed the woman, perching on the edge of the mattress, the princess’ freezing hand between her own as she tried to keep tears at bay.

“No.” She took as deep a breath as she could. “No, it’s not.” She forced a smile. “But I’m okay with it; the curse of Durin women, remember?”

“I’m not going to let you die.” She promised, squeezing her hand as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I promised to keep you safe.”

“And you have.” She lifted a shaky hand to wipe away the tear and Ellie wondered when exactly did the small girl she’d played with become this pillar of strength even as she lay here dying. “Now I need you to do the same for my boys. Bring him to me.” She nodded to the bassinet at the foot of the bed and Ellie rose to lift the bundle and place him in his mother’s arms. “He’s beautiful.” She murmured as he nestled into her. “With true Durin hair.” She fingered the wisps of black covering his head before pressing a kiss to it and whispering to him softly. “Men lananubukhs me, bunnanunê.” Feeling a fresh wave of tear coming, Ellie stepped back to allow the waiting midwife to take the baby before reclaiming her space and Dis’ hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Dis asked. “You have given me so much, Ellie; from the moment you stepped into my nursery you have been my sister and I will never be able to thank you enough for that…and so much more.” She pushed herself up slightly, her breath straining slightly at the action. “You saved us.” She squeezed her hand. “All of us.”

“It was my pleasure.”

“And that’s what makes you family.” She smiled softly, taking another deep breath as she delivered what Ellie knew would be her most important message. "Promise me you'll look after them." Her hold was tight despite the life fading from her. "Promise me."

"I promise." Ellie said, squeezing back.

"All of them." Dis added, her eyes darting to the door and the two who waited outside.

Ellie simply nodded, her understanding clear. She pressed a kiss to the princess' hand and gestured for the door to be opened. A whirlwind of blonde hair with a nose so like Frerin's burst into the room and clambered onto the bed with a cry of 'Mama'. Ellie wiped a tear from her eye and stood, giving the princeling room.

"I promise." She repeated, whispering to herself as a hand guided her by the shoulder into the waiting broad chest.

“Mim razdith.” Dis breathed as Fili cuddled up to his mother. “You must be strong now, Sanûrzud.” She insisted, stroking the blonde hair that was the source of all his nicknames. “I need you to be a good big brother.” She nodded once again to the bassinet as Fili peered at it. “He needs you: Kili needs you.”

“I promise, Amad.”

“Good.” She pressed a kiss to his head. “You should go now.” She told him, hushing his cries. “But remember Fili, you and Kili…” She smiled at the bassinet. “…Menu tessu, uzfakuh.”

She’d waited until the small prince left to say more; watching as Fili took Ellie’s hand, the woman brushing away the tears that were free-flowing now, and smiling softly at them as they left with the midwives carrying Kili’s bassinet behind them.

“Nadad.”

“Namadith.” He breathed, taking the space Ellie had previously occupied on the mattress edge.

“I don’t know what to say.” She wheezed, her lips lifting in a smile. “I never thought-”

“You don’t have to say anything, Dis.” He told her, taking her hand.

“I made Ellie promise to look after them.” She told him, her eyes straying to the closed door as if trying to get one last look at her children. “Not that I doubted she would anyway but…it’s comforting to hear it out loud.”

“We’ll look after them.” He promised, unable to say more as his throat tightened at her paling face and fading grip.

“I know.” She sighed. “But look after her too.”

“Don’t worry about any of that.” He reached out to smooth back her hair. “Just relax.”

“I wish I could have seen it again.” She murmured, her eyes fluttering closed. “Erebor.” She clarified and his hold tightened at the name. “Perhaps my boys will, one day.” He let his own eyes close at the hope lifting her voice a little. “What will I say to her, Thorin? Will she like me?”

“Who, Dis?”

“Amad.” She breathed the word. “I’ve waited my whole life to meet her and now I will, in the digondamaar.”

“She’ll love you, Dis.” He told her, pressing a kiss to her hand. “As we all have.”

She smiled at the thought; at the prospect of reuniting with their lost family in Mahal’s halls. Thorin watched as peace crossed her features and felt his tears fall now she couldn’t see them. He held her hand until the chill of her skin started to cool his own and then, with a kiss to her forehead he left.

Khuzdul to English translations:

Git khuzi – little warrior Mim razdith – little sun Emulhekh – majesty Thanu men – my king Azbadu men – my lady Men lananubukhs me, bunnanunê – I love you, my tiny treasure Sanûrzud – perfect sun Amad - mother Menu tessu, uzfakuh – you mean everything to me, my greatest joy Nadad – brother Namadith – little sister Digondamaar – Golden halls of Mahal

[alexsmitposts]

Will Vladimir Putin Declare Capitalism Dead Too? Is it time for a new Declaration of Independence? If true individual choice and truth are any factor of freedom, the writing is on the wall not just in the United States, but globally. The wealth divide that has grown into an impenetrable wall between the elites and the rest of us, it’s only a symptom of decaying set of ideas that have long since lost their luster. We simply must move on to another plan, a plan devised from innovative thinkers. The Myth of Capitalism I almost dropped my morning coffee when I scanned the headline “Competition Is Dying, and Taking Capitalism With It,” by Bloomberg contributor Jonathan Tepper. I am not sure why the article popped into view almost a year after its publication, but the fact it did gives me new hope. Bloomberg, as we all know, is not exactly the source we look to for anti-elitist info. That said, Tepper’s report is just and spellbinding. The story begins with an excerpt from Tepper’s book, “The Myth of Capitalism: Monopolies and the Death of Competition:”. “We need a revolution to cast off monopolies and restore entrepreneurial freedom.” A “revolution,” the former Lehman Brothers proprietary trading guru says, is the only thing that can save capitalism from certain death. To quote the founder of Variant Perception, a macroeconomic research group: “Rising market power by dominant firms has created less competition, lower investment in the real economy, lower productivity, less economic dynamism with fewer startups, higher prices for dominant firms, lower wages and more wealth inequality. The evidence from economic studies is pouring in like a flood.” This flood threatening to drown free choice and free will, it’s been mounting for years while the misinformed public runs headlong into slavery under the oligopoly. There’s no way to sugarcoat the mess the system has become. In the U.S., where freedom and choice are the building blocks of democracy, everything from beer to airline tickets is run by a very few corporations. Google and Facebook, United Airlines and Budweiser, the list of ruling corporate titans is wide, but not very long. Take social media and the recent censorship of NEO and many other independent media outlets for an example. The Bloomberg warning reveals: “Google completely dominates internet searches with an almost 90 percent market share. Facebook has an almost 80 percent share of social networks. Both have a duopoly in advertising with no credible competition or regulation.” Forget for the moment that these oligopolies are driving the average citizen into the pavement. They also put precious little back into the system that supports their greed. Did you know, for instance, that over $20 trillion dollars in much needed civic funding is hoarded away in tax havens by these corporations? George Monbiot, in a more recent report at The Guardian, declares: “The economic system is incompatible with the survival of life on Earth. It is time to design a new one.” Monbiot’s arguments align perfectly with my own regarding the imminent failure of the capitalist model. Capitalism fails without growth, and since perpetual growth on a finite planet is impossible, capitalism as an idea was ridiculous from the start. The Guardian piece discusses things like extraction zones and disposal zones, and more bits and pieces of the prevailing system. The end of the story is, as Monbiot suggests, “bigger by far than war, famine, pestilence or economic crisis, though it is likely to incorporate all four.” But, what always confounds me is our failure to see the coming disaster. Wealth Distribution Doesn’t Add Up Wealth creation as a notion is probably all wrong, to begin with. Not only is wealth segregation a bad idea, but it’s also doomed to failure as the planet gets smaller and smaller. Economic growth, which is now linked to the increasing use of material resources, has an end game nobody wants to envision. Not only are our oligarchs killing off freedoms, their robbing the planet and future generations of any opportunity for ultimate survival. This is something we have all feared for decades, but something that is at critical mass today. We must find another way. The Guardian story shines a light on a man named Jeremy Lent, who is one of the most brilliant sustainability gurus of today. The former CEO of the internet company NextCard, is also the founder of the non-profit Liology Institute, which is dedicated to a worldview that could enable humanity to thrive sustainably. Lent proposes an ecological society with a value system based on a sense of intrinsic connectedness. Lent’s new value system focuses on quality of life, rather than material possessions. Secondly, the idea that political, social, and economic choices should be shared by all humanity is paramount in this theory. In the end, such a society would be totally environmentally sustainable. Now let’s turn to Russia’s key role in world sustainability. In a report from climate experts Alexander Bedritsky, who is an advisor to Vladimir Putin, the systemic crisis that Russia had gone through in the 1990-s had a dramatic negative impact on economic, environmental and social issues with regard to Russia’s sustainable future. According to plans developed during the Yeltsin years were never implemented in full, and Vladimir Putin has been left with only ink and paper to show for decades of unsolved problems. At the core of Putin’s effort to catch up sustainability wise, were the same precepts as those of Lent and others. Sustainability is about quality of life, the level of economic development, and environmental well-being built into a new system. Unfortunately, what I often refer to as “The Putin Way” was disrupted by guess who? The capitalists, of course. The Putin Plan First, on Putin’s agenda, was the eradication of extreme poverty and hunger, without which Russia’s sustainable future would be impossible. From 2002 until the latest west-east divide, a lot of progress was made to transform Russia in this regard. In 1992, for instance, almost 50 million Russians lacked the means to survive. By 2010 the number was reduced to less than 18 million. As of 2018, that number is even lower. Goal 2 of the “Putin Plan” was to achieve universal primary education. In this and other humanitarian instances, Russia is now approaching or at the level of the UK, Sweden, and Japan, and ahead of Germany, Italy, and France. Goal 7 of this plan has been achieving environmental sustainability. It is in this sector Mr. Putin had his biggest hurdle, actually. The report talks about leaving the “legacy of the past” in order to ensure the future of Russia and the world. Unfortunately, the capitalists in the west gauge everything Putin does in terms of growth. And herein lies my point. Mr. Putin’s government tripled spending on environmental protection from 2003 to 2010, but the economic war waged by the capitalists has hampered these efforts. Russia was on track to have a middle class to rival any of the G7 countries. But this effort slowed when NATO slipped up close to the Russian border in 2014. The Sochi Olympics were a showcase of what is possible for the whole of Russia and the world. But the globalists attacked there too. Still, Putin’s way forges a new Russia in spite of criticism from growth capitalists. The New York Times makes fun of innovative plans Putin makes, but growth like that which is destroying the west is not the “Putin Way.” When the world’s most famous newspaper caught up with Mr. Putin’s economy minister, Maksim S. Oreshkin, he set the record straight on Russia’s new path: “We have set very ambitious goals. Economic growth is only one of them. We have set many others that will directly affect the quality of people’s lives.” The biggest problem with the capitalists is the liberal order’s reliance on dead 20th-century Keynesianism. Every expert opinion I read casts dispersion on efforts like the Russians is making, while at the same time using unviable economics as its benchmark. The Nationa Projects Report (Russian) at the forefront of Putin’s latest efforts is made fun up as if Russia’s struggling out of darkness into the light is a joke. Interestingly, what Putin’s Plan looks like is what George Monbiot terms “private sufficiency and public luxury.” In short, society must share luxury while living in sustainable and green privacy. And society will have to use state projects like those Putin proposes to create such a reality. This is not to suggest Vladimir Putin’s new Russia is right over the horizon. The “legacy” of failed communism and Soviet blunders will remain for some years. But the kind of competition that has ruled the world in past decades must be supplanted with a better idea. Russia is pretty far off for ideas like “participatory budgeting” of these projects, but I believe Putin is looking at such innovative ideas. In fact, I know he is, Putin’s government has been running pilot programs along these lines for years now. But, he cannot simply switch on an alternative system, now can he? Don’t take my word, read this interview with Ilya Sokolov, director of the Budget Policy Department at Russia’s Ministry of Finance.

[artmotherhoodandmadness]

Is social media a substitute for religion and the mobile phone the new god?

Social media can suck you in, people are glued to their phones and stuck to the screen, so how do you fight back?

Nietzsche famously wrote that having followers is for losers, well not his words exactly, but he certainly was not impressed with people who sought followers, it encourages the herd/cult/sheep mentality and it generates unwanted attention and a potential backlash in the form of trolling – is the key then to use social media strategically and minimise the number of followers you have, but still put the content out there if you feel you have something of intrinsic value to say and share?

This photo was taken by Diego @TheLazyOnes, March 2017, just before I turned 44; so did I have to post this picture? Well I was manic and very tired when I did this shoot modelling their vintage dresses, I am dressed as Mia my alter ego, the one that I hide behind, so yeah in terms of my campaigning and how I deal with my mental health I think it is a powerful image when I know the reality of the situation and my mental state when it was taken which was very agitated. Also I believe in supporting independent shops like The Lazy Ones. It’s not just  a cool picture. I see depictions of women all the time that I find offensive, therefore surely I should put out alternative images depicting alternative representations of women and styles. This is how you can use social media to convey your views about a myriad of subjects and image/style/bodyimage/ageing is a huge topic. I can’t shy away from it. No way. And yeah the photo has an Instagram  filter on it, actually it didn’t need it.

We know that Twitter has been taken over by extremists, serial trollers, misogynists etc., we can’t retreat and let the bullies take over, surely there must be a way to navigate the turbulent sea of social media and avoiding a shark attack?

It wasn’t that long ago when I had no social media presence, no Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook and Whatsapp, too. It’s the end of 2014/2015 when it all changed and I decided to get on board the social media train. Now I have a YouTube channel too, I am such a sell out.

Facebook own Instagram and Whatsapp, they are all part of the same family, it feels very incestuous. I was quite happy with Dropbox but my husband told me to change to Google Drive, it was when I switched that strange things happened to my computer such as disappearing gigabytes. He is actually trying to encourage me to put all my data on there. I am ambivalent about doing so. He says it’s safe, I don’t think there is any such thing as safe. It’s like handing over my whole life to Google and giving them the key.

Forget it. 

For now I am sticking to unreliable hard drives, they are tangible, I can see them, if they break down at least I know the data is gone and Google doesn’t have it. I am planning to cancel my Google Drive account, it’s a waste of money and surely Google make enough money from us all. Apple take money from me monthly for iCloud storage for my phone, I have photos on there, which accumulate, the phone is designed so that you are more likely to hoard than delete, I am sure they could have made transferring data far simpler but they haven’t, hence the propensity to store and hoard and of course you need stuff on your phone to post to Instagram and Twitter, so the phone enslaves you. My goal is to have no photos on my phone one day, apart from work related. It is so clever how the photos are arranged too; it’s like an instant life album, which you can scan in seconds year by year. They have thought of everything.

What I find remarkable is that I managed to resist social media for so long, but if you avoid it then you slowly start to feel excluded. But the whole world is complicit, social media is the new global religion and the mobile phone a substitute god because we are glued to them, we worship them, we are dependent on them. It’s like a massive cult and the whole world is in on it, either blogging, or tweeting, or on YouTube seeking  stardom, it’s a big numbers game and some are more adept at social media than others. Perhaps it is far fetched to say the phone is the new god, but people seem very dependent on their phones, even deify them by making them more elaborate and ostentatious. I mean you can have a gold plated iPhone for starters - it’s getting ridiculous. 

I confess, I am crap at social media and proud of my social media ineptitude, I understand the rules of engagement, but can’t partake in them.

I have noticed that women who take off their clothes get more followers than those that don’t. Disturbing but predictable. No wonder teenagers find Instagram toxic for their mental health, the key is to post and not look at other accounts, this is what I do, for my own sanity. I do find YouTube very useful, if I need to learn something, have a problem, chances are someone has posted a little video about it - and I love learning, out of all the social media channels YouTube is the most useful and educational, in my opinion. But you can also watch beheading videos and child porn, too - that’s the flip side.

I don’t want to be a social medial slave, so I minimise my used that way I get to do other stuff with my life like play with my kids and make art. 

To ignore the social media machine requires huge willpower. I suppose I am stubborn, I do recall back in 2002 or 3 when my friend told me, ‘Facebook is amazing’ and I just rolled my eyes and was not interested, and I recall others who were so adept at it and spoke of their 1000s of Facebook friends. I just wasn’t impressed, I was struggling with the imposition emailing and texting had on my life, I did not require more noise. I was convinced I would be the target of trolls and I have been.

Between 2001 and 2007 I was travelling extensively all over the world, I would have had lots of photos to post of Nepal, Bangladesh, New York, Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, Cambodia, Cuba etc. without doubt, creatively I was exhibiting around the world and doing spoken word events, if there was any time I should have embraced social media it was during this very productive period. Between 2010 and 2013 I had my two children and could have started a Mummy blog, posted all the recipes I was coming up with, taken photos of my pregnancy and vlogged about my miraculous post baby weight loss, but I didn’t. All the photos I took during that time remain private. But I guess the real time would have been during my modelling days, people love modelling photos don’t they? Imagine if Twitter and Instagram had existed when I won Miss Bengali in 1994 in front of a packed audience at Theatre Royal in London. Thank God it didn’t. I don’t think I would have handled having followers that young. But there are kids who do have a 1000 Instagram followers for posting photos of their feet. That’s the world we live in.

Much of it seems nonsensical, meaningless, throwaway - except this is people’s lives we are dealing with.

What are we doing?

Where is this heading?

Why are we putting so much on the internet?

We are all broadcasters and our audience is the globe - that’s scary, but extraordinary at the same time.

There are times I have wanted to press the delete button on all my social media accounts.

But I can’t because I am a hoarder. Think of all those posts that no one is ever going to read or look at again? 

I would say I am a private person, but the pressure to reveal is growing and as someone with a mental health condition of course during periods of mania you can make yourself naked in the room. And it was because of mental health that I joined social media, I thought mental health was too important to stay silent. I had just written a book about it, Schizophrenics Can Be Good Mothers Too under the pseudonym Q S Lam in 2015, I genuinely thought my book could help others.

The turning point came when a woman from the US wrote to me and said she wished her friend had read my book because she killed herself and her baby due to postpartum psychosis. The Charlotte Bevan case impacted me profoundly and I was convinced Charlotte and her new-born would be alive today if they’d received the right care.

Very quickly I became engaged with an online mental health community and since then I have spoken about mental health at the House of Commons and House of Lords, and around the world, so was it worth it? If the posts help one person then yes, I think it is. A friend from Singapore saw my film posted on YouTube about psychosis and appreciated it. Another Malaysian mental health patient saw my film about suicidal ideation and it helped her when she, too, was feeling suicidal.

There is still huge ignorance and stigma related to mental health something that I have to deal with day-to-day, so I can’t stay silent, and the Royals have said it’s good to talk about mental health, and it is.

My approach is to help one person at a time, it’s snail like but thorough.

Another reason to engage with social media is, without doubt, because this will be the world that our kids inhabit, they are the tech generation. I am hoping though everyone will get bored, chuck their phones and computers out the window and revert to how life was pre the Internet. I doubt very much that will happen. However if I can learn to navigate this world then I will be better equipped to educate my children about the pitfalls etc.

The flip side of social media is it is hard to control and it has taken its toll on my mental health; now I try to control it rather than it controlling me.

When I first started with it all, very quickly friends accumulated on Facebook in fact it is the easiest platform to accumulate friends and followers. I still have 100s of friend’s requests but I don’t accept any that I do not know now. You wouldn’t give your number to strangers in the street so why would I allow strangers access to my life?  After some trolling and unwittingly being groomed by a sexual predator via Facebook and Twitter, I did a huge cull of people. I probably could reduce the number even further if I was really ruthless.

I also restrict my posts, sometimes I could do 10 posts a day - why? People can’t take it in so don’t bother. For example I have written at least 6 blogs in the last few days, but not yet posted them, I realise I don’t have to post everything as soon as I write it, I can do it in my own time. 

Most critically, iit’s a question of noise. How much noise and intrusion do you want in your life -  the more followers and friends you have the more noise right? You can make your posts public so anyone can see them on or off Facebook therefore the Facebook friends you choose to have need to be a tight circle of allies, supporters, family etc. I need to control what I put out there, not the other way round. There are professionals trained in this now, advising celebrities to carefully build up their brand image. Trump could do with more advice, but hopefully his erratic tweets will get him impeached.

I do resent the amount of information that Facebook and these other tech companies know about me, that my emails are being scanned by Google if linked to a gmail account, that I see tailored ads according to my interests - it is sinister, it feels like I am being watched, stalked and monitored.

Now that I have been sucked in, how do I take back control, what a turgid phrase, but control is very much the issue. Controlling the number of followers will reduce the amount of noise in my life.

More followers = more noise = more pressure = hot brain = mental health breakdown

However, I still want to share my articles, photos, music and art. On the rare occasion I post a photo of my children I switch the setting to just me after letting a few people see it, it is a guilty pleasure to see their faces on my feed. I am not proud of posting photos of them, and as a rule I don’t. Motherhood is lonely, when someone appreciates your child, it does give you a mental boost and makes you feel a sense of pride, but again it’s a slippery slope because you could spend all day posting cute photos of your kids and that’s not for me and it’s not fair on them either, they have a right to privacy. 

How do I use Social Media?

I post poems, artwork, photos from my archive, my art, photos of events, articles that I have written, many of which are about mental health and now films and music, too.

With Instagram I use the platform for my art mainly

With Facebook I post about mental health and share my art. poems, articles

With Tumblr my blogs relate to motherhood, politics and mental health, some of these articles are then republished via Huffington Post

With YouTube I post vlogs about mental health, films and most recently films about mental health, and now my music

Whatsapp helps me keep in contact with people globally for free, but I also only use it when necessary

With Twitter I post my work, reshare my articles, make comments about mental health and politics

I am eschewing Snapchat.

In terms of my followers the numbers could be deemed as pitiful, 143 Facebook friends, 563 Twitter followers, not sure how many Tumblr followers I have (I only follow a few blogs), my YouTube channel has a a handful of subscribers, and I have 177 followers on Instagram. In terms of stats they are appalling.

Diabolical.

Pitiful.

Risible.

But I really don’t want to go chasing likes and followers, it’s a trap. I prefer it this way, I could have easily acquired 1000 Facebook friends but I don’t want that at all. You can minimisie the number of followers and friends deliberately, you can do this by being selective in terms of who you follow or accept as friends. For example some Twitter and Instagram accounts are misleading, a person may have 20,000 followers but they are also following 20,000 people, so how many are actually genuine?  Similarly with celebrities they usually follow very few people but by virtue of being a celebrity, rather than the content they put out, they automatically get millions of followers. Others milk it assiduously like Kim Kardashian, but celebrities use social media as a marketing tool, to sell stuff primarily. And for ordinary people social media can be a source of revenue, it’s not for me and I don’t want it to be because then I really will become enslaved.

There is the other extreme, celebrities who have no social media presence, Kate Moss for example has a private Instagram account under a fake name with 12 followers, but then she’s an icon and she’s very private but she also doesn’t seem to have much to say either. There are others who are proud of their lack of social media presence like the actress Kate Blanchett, but then she can get the press to listen to her. For us mere mortals who want people to listen, who have something to say and share social media is the only way. And the fact is their kids will be into it even if they are not, so they better smarten up and learn about it fast.

I use social media to put out alternative content, my theory is that if I am strategic in terms of how I use it, what I put out there and control my posts then it could be a good resource for those with mental health problems. My posts are becoming more selective, deliberately so. Also as a Bangladeshi artist, I am putting my work out there too, it might inspire other Asians to go into the arts.

Personally just as sex education is taught in school, I think teaching kids how to use social media sensibly should be mandatory in all schools, because I didn’t have a clue when I started, I made so many mistakes, I learnt through trial and error, but with your kids they can  get bullied or groomed online etc, they need to wisen up and monitor their use and screen time. I am drilling it into my kids, my youngest is prohibited from using the iPad, my eldest has restricted use. Actually I hide it.  Of course there are kids who are already embroiled in social media with their YouTube channels and Instagram accounts. Maybe they make money from it? Get 1000s of followers, does that make it OK then?

I am not into posting 1000s of vacuous selfies or photos depicting what a fabulous life I have – that’s corrosive, but many people use it for this reason alone, I am not judging, but it leads to a competitive culture where people compare and start to envy or feel inadequate etc, not to dissimilar to when you see an airbrushed bill board of some half naked model in Calvin Klein jeans; I really don’t want to see that stuff, who does, but it’s thrust in our faces? I also don’t understand women who post endless photos in their bikinis, I mean one or two is ok, but 100s, 1000s, what is that all about? I posted one of me on my bike in a bikini on Brick Lane but I thought I was being an anarchist. I think there are two photos of me in a swimsuit on my Instagram feed and I am actually thinking of deleting them. A woman’s body is a thing of beauty but I would rather look at an Ingre painting than a woman in a stupid pose, arching her back with her tits out. My alter ego Mia is a bit of a poser but I have reigned her in. All these half naked selfies sets a precedent for other girls to do the same. Personally I want to be known for the contents of my brain and mind and what I create than the way I look or my body, but that’s just me.

The positives of social media is that I have met some interesting people and been involved in some cool projects and opportunities as a direct result, the negative side is the time it has and continues to consume. The likes game is a trap, each like results in a hit of dopamine and becomes addictive, you always want more, so it’s time to ditch that habit.

I still think social media is a necessary part of modern life now. Unfortunately it has been misappropriated and abused, but as long as there are people who use it sensibly and wisely it can be a force for good and social change. We can determine what we put out there and create alternative and informative content if we want to. The big concern is that the tech giants have become so enormous it is hard to escape their grip on our lives, however we can educate our children about social media and technology and perhaps they can be shrewder in their use of it.

Too much of anything is never good for you and too much social media is toxic for your health and life. Maybe we should have a no phone and no social media day and make it official?