#he's just like me in so many ways (either literally directly or just vaguely but in a way that matters)

[astrxealis]

i'm so angry at myself sometimes for how obviously i would have become an astarion lover

[riding-the-sunset-bird]

Another day, another post dissecting Our Life's code! This time we'll be going over how Our Life decides whether your Cove will be Studious, Sporty, or somewhere in the middle!

If you've already seen my post on how the game decides where Cove is on the spectrum between warm and cold, then most of this will feel extremely familiar, but you don't need to check that post to understand this one! I'll be going over everything exactly the same.

According to GB Patch, getting a sporty or studious Cove is primarily based on what you do with him activity-wise.

Part of it is what Cove literally ends up doing in the events. There are multiple times where he can do something more physical or do something more low key. Another part is a somewhat meta “the player is creating their reality” type of deal. For example, if the player makes it clear that their MC is the sporty one around, that would have to mean Cove isn’t the sporty one. So even without interacting with Cove directly you’d rack up a lot studious points for him because your choices are describing a world where Cove isn’t that into sports. That’s not to say it’s impossible for the MC and Cove to both be into sports. Describing your MC specifically as the one into sports is excluding Cove from being super into sports, but he doesn’t have to be excluded. The most straightforward way to get a sporty Cove is to just really focus on it. Whenever there’s something that could possibly make him more interested in bookish things, lean away from that. And whenever there’s a way to encourage him to like or do physical stuff, do it. So, for example, don’t accept just being a silver medalist in Grown-up, don’t say that the MC is a faster runner than Cove when trying to get away from Shiloh, do ask him question that lead to him talking about outdoorsy activities he does, etc.

Calling it "points" is very accurate because it's very much a points system. Whenever you do certain actions with/say certain things to Cove, the game will add a "point" to either Cove being studious or Cove being sporty (in extremely rare cases, it will add two instead of even subtract one).

(also, shockingly, reading the book with Cove in Sleepover actually has zero effect on Cove being Studious/Sporty; I even had to read through the script to confirm and the only reasoning I can imagine is because it's related to getting a CG and the devs wouldn't want players who want the CG to feel forced into making Cove more studious just to get it)

The tutorial of the game also vaguely details the studious to sporty spectrum:

[Cove']s interests fall along a sporty-mixed-studious spectrum. It works similarly to the personality one. When he's young, Cove has a variety of interests. As time goes on that can stay the same, begin to focus on more athletic/outdoorsy activities, or become more interested in academic/indoorsy ways to spend time.

And, if you've ever been in the Cove Creator, you'd know that there are five "states" that Cove can be in when it comes to his interests, with one state being between Studious and Mixed while another is between Mixed and Sporty. However, as far as I can tell, the game will never actually check for these two states, meaning that Cove is either Studious, Mixed, or Sporty, without any sort of Studious-Mixed or Mixed-Sporty at all.

In terms of the first check of the game - after the end of Step 1, of course - the game will examine the points you've gathered and decide where on the spectrum Cove is. If you have more Studious points, then the game will look only at how many points you've gathered there and vice versa with Sporty points. If you have an equal amount of Studious and Sporty points, then there will be a sort of "coin flip" to determine which points the game will check (this actually happened to me once where I had to go back on a save and got a Sporty Cove instead of a Studious one even though I'd done nothing different, simply because I'd accumulated an equal amount of sporty and studious points with Cove).

The remaining points in the other category are thrown away, and if you don't have enough sporty/studious points (depending on what you had more of or what the game chose in the "coin toss"), then you get a Mixed Cove.

Interestingly enough, the game is actually uneven in how it calculates a "fully Studious" or "fully Sporty" Cove. If you have six or more points in Studiousness, then you get a "fully Studious" Cove, but the game only asks for five of more in Sportiness to give you a "fully Sporty" Cove. This means that you could have six points in both Studiousness and Sportiness, which would give you a "fully Sporty" Cove if the coin flip picked Sportiness, but if the coin flip picks Studiousness, you'll only get a "Studious-Mixed" Cove.

As stated above though, the Studious-Mixed and Mixed-Sporty states don't really exist and serve as Studious and Sporty respectively anyway. In the grand scheme of things, it won't matter, but I digress.

Keeping that in mind, the game only cares if you have three or more points in either Studiousness or Sportiness. If you have three or more Studious points, you get a Studious Cove, and if you have three or more Sporty points, you get a Sporty Cove (and a coin toss if you're equal in both to decide whether he's Studious or Sporty). If you do not have enough points in either, you get a Mixed Cove. A Mixed Cove is most likely if you either play through Step 1 without playing any moments or avoid leaning Cove towards anything Studious/Sporty at all.

Cove's personality and appearance are also unrelated to whether he's Studious or Sporty, excluding moments where a multiple choice option might affect multiple values at once (but this is coincidence rather than direct correlation and, yes, I'll mention them when they come). Cove will also still do things like go surfing in Wave even if he's Studious, it's just that he'll be an awkward surfer instead of a graceful one (no comment if he's Mixed).

In terms of things that affect the player directly, the gummy bear toss in the Step 2 DLC moment Birthday is one of the biggest things that come to mind, as you'll lose if Cove isn't sporty and your MC hasn't been given any "sporty points" of their own (since this post isn't about the MC, I'll keep it brief and just say that the game keeps track of your own athletic ability during Step 2, such as if you tell Kyra that you like to swim). If that matters to you, you can opt for a sporty Cove and save yourself the trouble as there's no Studious equivalent of the gummy bear toss.

As for all of the moments in Step 1 where you have a chance to influence Cove's Studiousness/Sportiness, here they are!

Step 1 - Prologue

When Cove and the MC try to flee from Shiloh (if the MC agrees to go along with Cove):

He was fast, but you knew you could outrun him if you had to. [sporty +1]

He was not that fast, you knew you could outrun him if you had to. [studious +1]

He was not that fast, but neither were you. [studious +1]

At that speed, you weren't sure if you could go fast enough to reach him. [sporty +1]

Shopping

When Cove is staring down absentmindedly at the sand:

"Are you looking for snails?" [sporty +1]

"Are you looking for shells?" [studious +1]

"What is it?" [studious +1]

"You didn't feel the need to ask why." [sporty +1]

When Cove goes back to not saying anything on the beach:

You didn't either. [sporty +1]

"What did you want to go to the shops for?" [studious +1]

"What do you usually do on the beach?" [sporty +1]

Grown Up

When Lizzie tells Cove and the MC that they won silver in the pretend Olympics:

"Silver sucks. I don't want silver." [sporty +1]

"I'm okay with that." [studious +1]

"Hey, we can do better than silver!" [sporty +1]

"Silver's not bad. Nice." [studious +1]

You stayed silent. [no change]

Long Day

When Lizzie asks the MC if they're a chicken who doesn't want to ding-dong-ditch the mean grandparents:

"Yeah. Cluck-cluck." [studious +1]

You'd rather just avoid them. [studious +1]

You thought they deserved worse. [no change]

"I'll do it." [no change]

When the MC gets to decide what they see in the clouds:

You saw a dolphin. [studious +1] {note that this will give Cove the dark blue short-sleeved shirt}

You saw a car. [sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove the red salamander sleeveless shirt}

You saw an alpaca. [sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove the dark blue short-sleeved shirt}

You saw a smiley face. [sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove the red salamander sleeveless shirt}

You saw cloud shapes. [studious +1]

Sandcastle

[NONE]

Fireflies

When the MC notices Cove lagging behind the group while en route to poppy hill:

"Are you not gonna come?" [no change] {but will give Cove cold +1}

You tugged him along. [sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove cold +1 on Indifferent and warm +1 on Fond/Crush}

You walked with him. [no change] {but will give Cove cold +1}

You waved at him to hurry. [no change] {but will give Cove warm +1}

You ran off. [no change]

When Cove fails to catch a firefly after the MC catches one:

You encouraged him to try again. [sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove warm +1}

You told him about the firefly you had. [studious +1] {note that this will give Cove cold +1}

You made a joke about what happened. [studious +1]

You did your own things. [sporty +1]

Library

When the MC chooses to go with Cove rather than participate in the quiz:

[sporty +1] {note that this will give Cove cold +1}

When the MC and Cove are about to be interrupted in their game of hide-and-seek (dependent on how good the MC has been at the game; answers marked with a * are the correct ones):

1st round of hide-and-seek

Next to a Peter Pan poster.

*Beside the fairy tale display.

*Behind the solar system model.

2nd round of hide-and-seek

By the fire awareness station.

Near the stuffed animals.

*Under the giant piece of fruit.

By the outlaw poster.

*In the fantasy section.

Near the toddler books.

3rd round of hide-and-seek

*In all the old Christmas stuff.

Next to the kid detective poster.

*Behind the Willy Wonka statues.

Final Tally

the MC won zero rounds (Cove will say "I'm doing good.") [sporty +1]

the MC won one round (Cove will say "I'm doing good.") [studious +1] [sporty +1]

the MC won two rounds (Cove will say "I can still win.") [studious +1]

the MC won all three rounds (Cove will say "I need to do good in at least one round.") [studious +1]

If the MC chose to go do the quiz instead:

[studious +1] {note that this will give Cove warm +1}

Ghost

[NONE]

Barbecue

When the MC is racing the other kids to catch the girl with the squirt gun (if the MC chose to go play with the kids in the first place):

You outran them easily. [studious +1]

You outran them with effort. [sporty +1]

You weren't as fast as them because they were speedy. [sporty +1]

You weren't as fast as them because you just weren't fast. [studious +1]

You moved to the side to let them pass; you didn't wanna win this race. [no change]

When Mr. Holden comments on his interests:

"Those are things Cove likes." [sporty +1]

"Wow. It's a good thing you live by the beach." [studious +1]

You stayed quiet. [no change]

Runaway

[NONE]

Sleepover

[NONE]

Step 1 - Ending

When Cove tries to skip a rock across the water (if the MC chose to stay with him):

You were impressed over how far he got it to go. It sailed way out into the sea. [sporty +2] [studious -1]

It was a good toss. That was pretty neat. [sporty +1]

It wasn't a long throw. But he didn't care to try for that. [studious +1]

The rock sunk kind of... like a rock and fell back down almost right after he tossed it. [studious +2] [sporty -1]

And that's all of them! A few surprises are in there, but it's mostly straightforward in either prompting Cove to talk about outdoor/active things he does or choosing options that imply he's particularly good/fast (whether compared to the MC or in general). Particularly tricky are the ones that might change Cove's appearance/personality when you didn't intend for that to happen and are trying not to use the Cove Creator to get the Cove you want.

Still, it's definitely easier to gauge than Cove's appearance or personality, so whether you wanted this for a guide or just for the data, I hope you enjoyed! :D

[mapsofnonexistentplaces]

hai im very curious about bolots ability to turn into a cat. is it a trait he was born with or is it learned? what form does he generally prefer?

hehe favorite thing to talk about regarding that guy. this requires some setup so bear with me a bit

so the general workings of magic in OAR are a bit vague and i don’t want to rationalise them too much but effectively i think magic is just a thing that certain people are randomly born with whilst simultaneously being something that people can develop if they spend a lot of time in a place with ‘magical inclinations’. zdrengen, the town where argent rattle takes place, is a ‘well of magic’ due to being on an arbitrary metaphysical border with the realm of subconsciousness known as the dream world. so basically magic in this world is not so much a practiced science or something really publicly acknowledged so much as it is literal ‘dream logic’ that allows people to do certain things, whether they are born innately with their abilities or sort of grow them out upon living in a place drenched in dream logic. it is a very meta framing that has a very magical realism edge to it so it’s tough to explain but hopefully that works

bolot and his sister alena were directly born in zdrengen to immigrants originating in places lacking proximity to the dream world. so neither of the two really ‘inherited’ their powers through lineage and i’m tempted to say that that cannot really happen since powers are highly individualised? but i digress. effectively bolot developed his transformation ability because he’s been living in zdrengen all his life and had heavy exposure to dream logic (realising now — i suppose the way i describe dream logic sounds like radiation? befitting considering this story takes place after partial nuclear fallout, hah) and so he has been able to ‘practice’ and train his ability to full control

anyway, i want to say bolot’s powers developed when he was around like? 12? 13? young teen who was starting to become very aware of his own body and Did not like it. dude textually struggles a lot with body dysmorphia and more subtextually, dysphoria, and also has undiagnosed me/cfs which would’ve probably kicked in hard in his early teens too. much like a fever breaking in he sort of had random spontaneous bursts of turning into a cat uncontrollably, which peaked with heavy emotional instability and also post-exertional malaise. this was evidently very very scary but as he learned to expect it and sort of decided to take advantage of it in lieu of just hiding until he turned back to normal, he discovered his fatigue went down significantly as he occupied a smaller body, and the inhumanity of such a body quelled a lot of his own judgements about himself, at least momentarily. in the coming years he started sensing when transformations would occur and in turn, his powers became responsive to his feelings, allowing him voluntary control of his transformation alongside the ability to repress it. i want to say by his mid 20s he managed to get that shit down completely and so started to think of his powers as a very, very good thing

in his current age he basically prioritises his cat form, finding it the most comfortable. when going out for small errands or just idle wandering he’ll transform and then just set upon the streets of zdrengen poised as a feral cat — many people either know or suspect him having the ability to transform into a cat, but it’s kind of an open secret at best and he elects to believe he’s being subtle about it. part of his comfort with publicly being a cat is, as mentioned, a result of his insecurity in the physical space he takes up and his disability, but also significant is his typical discomfort in social situations and most conversations. being a cat limits his voicebox to that of a cat’s, so he sort of feels it’s more justified to onlookers if he doesn’t respond to things or does not express the ‘correct’ emotional response expected of him. being a cat is very much a matter of comfortable privacy for him….

he’s usually only really in his human form if he has to go out for Important Business, if he has to assist alena with something, or if he’s hosting guests at his place, the latter of which he’s slowly grown increasingly more comfortable with doing over the years. enough so to host intermittent piano lessons for anyone willing to pay for them, at least… and of course it goes without saying he’ll turn into a human when he needs to perform motor actions that are literally impossible for a cat to do, such as playing an instrument, which is his job! that being said he’s also capable of only partial transformation, which keeps him relatively humanoid — he’ll often stick to this for indulgences like piano playing for when he needs to be focused and comfortable….

fun fact also, the way dream logic works is that there is kind of a limited supply of it per month or something, much like an internet connection lol. if too much of it is used up it gets throttled and becomes unbearably slow for everyone. everyone in town with powers has an imposed limit of how much magic they can use and bolot often slightly oversteps it — though actually being a cat does not cut into the power supply any transformation back and forth does, and he often shifts multiple times a day. he gets nagged about it by the guy in charge of said power supply, qasim, but qasim often lets this slide anyway since they’re friends and he knows of bolot’s whole depressive dissociative thing so he’s just like Fine slow down for the next few days if you can though. they’re funny

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 8

having just rewatched S1 with my sister (and even while genuinely, actually looking at the screen instead of putting the show on in the background while multitasking), it is so wild to see tomjake in this season as opposed to S1. like, Jake is more or less correct here: although Ellie's meddling and Tom's own dumb moments are also to blame, it was mostly his fault that the relationship fizzled out. how far they've come, to where Tom is the rash fool and Jake is the (mostly) rootable victim...

i KNEW homegirl would be idol hunting this episode.

absolutely baller comeback from Tess. i doubt they increased the prize money from $1mil to $3mil just for this exchange, but what a power move if they did.

if anyone (in the audience) truly believes that Tom has a real boyfriend at this point...

this was a weird ass way to phrase it but okay Emily pop off i guess.

ooh, time for Yul's psychological issues? 👀

wait, isn't Emily hired by the show, not Yul? how would Yul be able to fire someone under Kristal's employment? is this just Yul firing her from the unofficial job of watching over his image, or is it a soft confirmation that Emily has been hired directly by Yul('s manager) all along?

i'm so desperate for Fiore and Alec to like each other again that i'll be happy with literally any vaguely positive note they end on, as long as it's not hating each other. i still hope that All Stars will be able to acknowledge and expand upon their relationship a little more in upcoming episodes, but if this is the end, at least we know that Alec was trying to have her back one last time.

forgive me if i'm wrong, but, would going to space really trigger someone's fear of heights? like, the "heights" are on such a high scale and there are so many other things to be worried about that i feel like your brain wouldn't really process it as "gee i'm going really high up." still, it's always interesting to see how Kristal has more of an established relationship with her (S2) campers. it makes sense, but it does seem like she's not afraid to show her bias in that way.

damn, Trevor must get paid a LOT! even if the vehicle didn't actually take them to space, it's still a huge building with many rooms that can actually fly. makes me wonder how much the producers/hosts are getting paid. (i understand this was just a joke line but it is technically canon now)

this line was only mildly funny to me, but Ally's face is great. she really hasn't had to spend any notable time around Gabby before. get ready for it, girl, because you'll probably be on the same merge tribe sooner or later.

oh dang, he's directly asking Kristal out.

this was an interesting response, especially with Kristal's later agreement to go upon hearing that they had a pool table. Kristal could have either been letting him down gently, or have genuinely not realized that this is flirting. i think it's the latter. that leaves the door open for Kristal potentially reciprocating Derek's feelings later down the line... also, where the hell is Oliver?!

Tess proves that she can be the goth gf AND the gamer gf. step aside, Ally.

they've done SUCH a good job of making Yul continuously pay for his actions this season as opposed to S2; it makes me like him way more. the fact that Alec is the one handing out the punishments just makes it all the sweeter.

ALEC DRINKS HIS RESPECT WOMEN JUICE!! (is that an outdated meme/saying at this point?)

while Jake is still mostly at fault for this conflict, i do like how they're making sure that Ally isn't just an innocent victim, too. she's stooping down to Jake's level of childishness instead of being the bigger person and handling things maturely. it makes both of them and their conflict feel more well-rounded, even if it makes them more annoying as well, lol.

Trevor was right; this particular iteration of the space challenge, at least, is bad. the fact that the Cyan team (Aiden by extension) got literally no advantages or head starts from arriving to this room first means that the first half of the challenge didn't matter at all. even if there's the Survivor saying that "it all comes down to the puzzle," the physical challenges beforehand can at least give one team a head start at looking over the pieces. as it turns out, fucking around on the ship was just a waste of time. it diminished my enjoyment of the episode a little :( (sorry for being a downer)

glad we're revisiting Aiden and Riya's relationship a little more, probably in preparation for them reuniting at the merge. given that Jake and Riya both don't like Aiden, i wonder if they could gather their allies (Ashley, Alec, Yul, Grett) to fuel an Aiden elimination soon.

Emily has to be gay right (/j)

this staging is really great at quickly visualizing the dynamics on each team, and may be foreshadowing for future events. the Yellow Team has completely shut Riya out, with Yul not even being visible, but Alec is still smiling at her from inside. not leaving the door open for Riya will actually waste Yellow's time, but they're so eager to win the challenge that they've actually made things harder for themselves. Magenta leaves the door open for Jake, with Ashley's face expectant and unobstructed, while Ally has retreated inside. despite their disagreements, the Cyan team all waits for Aiden outside, not even opening their door until he gets back. the storyboard artists for DC are a talented group!

Jake, too, is making his case for the villains' alliance.

i liked this sort of rationale from Tess; it feels in character with how they're portraying her this season. i also hadn't considered it as a reason why they would be steadily ramping up Ellie's villainy even as a pre-merge boot. but like... she's totally right.

THEY'RE SO CUTE!!!!! thank god the writers didn't decide to destroy gabbellie this season. instead, it seems to be a basis to set up something even greater...

I'M SO GLAD THAT THIS IS THE DIRECTION THEY'RE TAKING GABBY'S CHARACTER!!! i thought it would be a really good idea, but i didn't know if the writers would wind up taking that path. but it looks like we may be getting our true "explosive girl" back now that Ellie is gone, and i couldn't be more excited. i just know it's going to lead to something buckwild.

... wait what do you mean Ellie isn't doing the patreon reads? is she going to be the real returning player?!

for a somewhat disappointing challenge (for the reasons i described earlier), i'm really happy with this elimination and the direction they're taking the season. some sort of merge or tribe swap has to be happening soon, right? that next episode trailer can't come soon enough!

[lover-of-mine]

honestly I know I’m being deranged but not even a ‘brother’ could draw a line under anything for me 😅 there have been other tv show ships that have called eachother brother/sister and still got together in the future. and i guess right now the way they view their relationship IS brothers and besties so… unless eddie says ‘you are my legal and biological brother we actually have the same mom surprise!’ lmao it doesn’t mean it’s dead in my eyes. although i think most of the fandom will give up 😬

Okay, I don't think it will be dead either, as long as the show is on, there's a chance they'll pivot that way, like, legit *knock on wood* keep us limbo just to have them kiss in the final 10 minutes of the last episode of the show *knock on wood* just to say they did make them canon in the end *knock on wood* but I would take a brother as a "we don't plan on letting you see them being a couple" and settle in to watch them dance around it forever. But the thing is, the show is very careful about not letting them talk to or about each other in "you're my best friend" or "you're my brother" terms, and they even go as far as not having Chris call Buck uncle Buck when it is very common in latino cultures to have a kid call any safe adult tio/tia (I am tia Anna to kids I'm not biologically related to, and my parents' friends were always tio/tia for me growing up) and it would make sense to have Chris address Buck like that. They do have the "you're badass under pressure, brother" in under pressure and the "you said it, brother" in merry exmas, and Buck does ask Maddie "how do you tell your best friend you lost his kid?" and Eddie says he "lost his partner" in jinx although he means it literally as work partner. To have them say something like that after not doing it since the tsunami, and not letting them refer to each other directly like that since 2a, makes a statement. Even more with the way Eddie loves to dance around what Buck means to him. If Eddie makes any statement point blank, it will give the impression that he actually means it, considering Buck's insecurities putting them in the place he has to say it, does that make sense? I'm not abandoning ship anyway, the question is if after next week I will kick back and settle in for however many more seasons we have left of will they/won't they, or if I will be at the edge of my seat every time they're on screen together because any time now, yk?

Because the thing with this particular setup going the way it looks like it's going, is that they can keep it vague, they can make it platonic, but they can legit make buddie canon. Not they actually get together canon, but legit have Buck do something that can't be read as platonic, like for example Eddie goes "you're my best friend, man" *pulls Buck into a hug* *Buck relaxes against him* *sad noise* "friend, yeah" *fade to black* and bam, you have something, because Buck being frustrated with the idea of being the "best friend" after freaking out that Eddie has a new friend can't be twisted into something platonic. It would be the same thing they did with bucktaylor at the end of treasure hunt, while we all knew they were gonna go there, Buck's "friends, great" seals it. But they can keep it vague in less platonic ways, Eddie says something like "you're stuck with me" "I'm not going anywhere" "you really think you can get rid of me that easily?" and maintain the level of keep them guessing we are used to, along with the possible brother that draws a platonic line. I think that with the way the episode seems to be forming, that scene makes or break it, but in a "we will definitely see them be a couple in the future" or "we will be in limbo forever" way.

[rise-my-angel]

Defenses of Rhaegar are always like, "if you just ignore his in text, canonical actions which include abandoning his wife, that had almost died giving him a male heir after he put her through two back to back pregnancies, along with his two babies to be brutally slaughtered....and listen to the words of *checks notes* Jorah the Slaver, Dani, Viserys, Jon Con, Cersei, and Barristan Selmy (all of which either never knew him or were never in his inner circle) than he is a good guy."

Hmmm....it's almost as if GRRM only having the most delusional targ bootlickers that lie to themselves in their POVs and only speak of Rhaegar in the most vague terms being Rhaegar cheerleaders will be a plot point in the later books, should they ever be published lmao. None of these men can give actual examples of Rhaegar's supposed honor or goodness, just the most vague terms being used to describe him. This is basic reading comprehension, 'consider the source 101,' and a lot of the fandom failing concerns me. And even if GRRM intended Rhaegar to be a tragic hero....he has done a piss poor job at actually depicting that in the books, so I don't care. Martin can attempt to spin this however he wants, but readers are a lot more discerning than they were in the 90s.

Jorah didn't know him, Dany only knows what Viserys told her and Viserys was too young to know him, Cersei only remembers him in spite beacuse she had to end up marrying Robert.

Barristan doesn't speak badly about him, but he also takes his job seriously and doesn't even speak badly about Aerys when we know he disaproves of what he did. He seems to prefer to see better of people and he was a Kingsguard not a close friend.

JonCon is the closest we get but it's marred in purposeful subjective opinions. It's very likely he was to some degree, likely in love with Rhaegar and he remembers him in a way that we know is false. We know Rhaegar didn't care about him as much as JonCon still cares about him, but he's been dead for so long and JonCon feels guilt over being exiled and thus feels he failed to save his life. He has a very survivors guilt view of a man he was in love with and it's been so long that JonCon has tricked himself into thinking that his cope is just the truth now. He was never meant to be taken literally, he clearly speaks of Rhaegar from the point of view of someone like Robert does Lyanna.

Robert didn't really know Lyanna, but lost her in a way that was out of his control and thus has obsessions about her decades later that do not correlate with the truth. He feels like he knew Lyanna in a way that he never did, beacuse he feels a guilty loss over not being able to save her. JonCon views Rhaegar in the exact same way. He knew him better, but he clearly is seeing those memories through a lens of lost supressed romantic feelings and trauma of survivors guilt.

Rhaegar when he is brought up in the first book always feels like a blight. Something that correlates directly to trauma, especially with Ned as he only ever thinks of Rhaegar when he is in situations that he can directly connect to him, Robert, and espeically beacuse by that point Ned is struggling with traumatic flashbacks of his sisters death.

The only thing said about him they can quote is the brothels thing but they exclude massive context. That Ned is at a brothel, beacuse he is looking for Roberts bastard children. He thinks of Robert having so many bastards around the city due to his behavior, he correlates it to Lyanna and then it leads him to Rhaegar. Why? Beacuse Ned in my opinion, wonders if Rhaegar visited brothels a lot beacuse he is now wondering, are there more Jon Snow's out there? And he decides that is unlikely. He isn't trying to figure out if Rhaegar not sleeping around a lot was better for Lyanna as a pairing. He's trying to figure out whether or not there are other half Targaryean children out there that haven't been protected the way Ned has raised and protected Jon. He thinks of Robert, leading to Lyanna, leading to Rhaegar beacuse he is surrounded by this mystery of bastard children and it can all be tied into Ned having this innate fear of Jon's secret being found out and whether or not he could still protect his son should it all come out.

Ned doesn't even think badly about Aerys when talking about him despite what he did to his father and brother, and it's beacuse Ned simply internalizes a lot of grief and trauma. It's why being so plauged with flashbacks of Lyanna stands out to him beacuse he's long since developed the ability to push back such painful negative emotions for his own sanity. Something we see with Jon, who internalizes a lot of grief over losing his family so far out of his control.

I just hate that R+L=J has turned into a direct association of it as a love story, when that theory literally only states that Jon's mother is Lyanna by way of Rhaegar. It was never meant to be a theory that it was a love story, only a theory of direct identificaiton of Jon's true parantage. I do not beleive for a second that a character who one of the first things we learn about him, are that everyone beleives he kidnapped and raped Lyanna Stark was always meant to be a good morally upstanding guy.

Most characters who are intrinsically good, do not get introduced with the accusations of kidnapping and rape.

But gods be good maybe I wouldn't feel so strongly about the way they screech about Rhaegar, if they didn't obsessivly attack people who just want to talk with like minded anti Rhaegar people.

I hate Danaerys, but I'm not going onto pro Dany blogs to scream in their asks about how they are totally wrong. No, they prefer to come to me and get mad that they intentionally read a post they knew would make them mad.

If you like Rhaegar that's fine. I don't. And I shouldn't be accused of writing "fanfiction meta" just by stating general opinions of what I think of his canonical behavior.

Every Rhaegar stan are just JonCon's alt accounts, change my mind.

[adhd-merlin]

unpopular opinion: arthur (as much as i like him as a character) was useless in terms of prophecy and liberation of the magic people. not just bc he never ended up lifting the magic ban but bc literally anyone sitting on the throne could have done that. i see no reason why it had to be arthur specifically. but the show liked to pretend like he was the only way to achieve a positive future bc the opprressed community cant simply help themselves that would be silly ig? no no they need to patiently wait that maybe one day their oppressor (whos literally continuing his fathers genocide even if less zealously) has a change of heart and they wont be hunted down like animals anymore. never mind the countless people that will have to die in the mean time. merlin can kill a bajillion people on screen and thats fine and for the greater good but if someone tries to kill One guy sitting on a fancy chair with a fancy hat suddenly thats too extreme. half the time it felt like the show was pointing to merlin as a poster child of how to act when oppressed. the fact that morgana growing bitter about uthers reign is framed as inherently bad and what directly lead to her becoming evil tm is particularly infuriating to me. the choice to create this very ya dystopian setting and then cast the oppressors as part of the main cast and the final solution is just very weird to me. i think it wouldve been objectively for the best if the magic community had overthrown arthur (or uther really but thats not really contested.. unless youre the bbc. this show is so british (derogatory))

in that vein: mordred has never done anything wrong in his entire life and that includes killing arthur

one more for the "arthur was a loser" folder

[ok but about the rest!! I have many thoughts about it. merlin as a member of an Oppressed Minority. his betrayal of his own kin. I'm putting it all under a cut bc you guys don't need to see me rambling about this and the disir again]

you make a good point — the way in which a story is framed, even the moment we choose as a "beginning", determines what characters we'll feel sympathy for, even when the facts at our disposal are the same.

I don't think the writers were trying to create any kind of deep social commentary btw. just so we're clear. merlin is the hero of the story and his mission is to keep arthur safe. we've got to root for them both.

to have a king with a hatred (fear) of magic gives us a convenient antagonist within the court. merlin having to defend the men that would have him killed for his magic is a great source of dramatic tension. it sort of follows that the people he has to fight against to defend the king/prince are other magic users, or magical threats. (it also keeps things interesting because there would be no challenge for merlin otherwise).

there isn't much of a point in exploring the motives and backstories of other characters with magic (with the exception of morgana, perhaps). They are only briefly touched upon — so these characters remain vaguely antagonistic for the most part. Neutrally aligned at best (see mordred).

We are shown that the druids are (mostly) aware of the prophecy that marks merlin/emrys as the saviour of their kind.

what I find fascinating are merlin's interactions with magic people who are either not aware of this prophecy (gilli) or have no faith in it (kara, possibly?) Because we're never given the chance or the time to see things from their perspective. To see merlin through their eyes.

When gilli says:

"It is time that someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will." (!!!)

It makes him sound like some kind of extremist, but really, when you think about it. isn't his anger kind of justified? I'm not condoning his violence, I'm just saying — it's understandable. uther has killed so many innocent people. literally drowned innocent children. and merlin's like "violence isn't the answer!" — and I can see his point!! but I can see gilli's just as well. and I find it so interesting that he's still addressing merlin as a brother ("the likes of you and me"), even when expressing disappointment in his actions and calling him weak. because they are the same. he's saying "you're deluded, and cozying up to the enemy won't save you"

this episode also contains what is (probably) my favourite dragon call. when merlin summons kilgharrah in other episodes, he's usually in the middle of some Urgent Situation. matters of life or death. there is nothing urgent here, really. yeah, it is arguably a matter of life or death, but nothing merlin couldn’t have stopped on his own. he really just called on kilgharrah to have a heart to heart with a friend — a member of his class.

("You are a creature of magic, and only a creature of magic could hope to understand.")

this episode is about merlin looking for kinship and still feeling isolated from his magic brethren. there's something tragic about the way the prophecy makes him unable to connect to some of the people who would be best placed to understand him.

and gilli plants a small seed of doubt in merlin's mind. "You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are" (!!)

but kilgharrah reassures merlin that there's a golden age coming. so merlin does what he has to do — he saves uther once again. before gilli leaves, merlin reassures him that one day they will be free.

he tells mordred the same:

"It won't always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again."

and then, when he has the unique opportunity to use his influence on arthur to sway his opinion in the right direction. he fails.

he condemns himself, and the people he spoke to of freedom, to keep living in fear and in hiding — and what's even more upsetting, he does so while talking of a "just and fair kingdom"!

("You must protect the world you spent your life building, a just and fair kingdom for all." What an interesting choice of words. camelot isn't just and fair to all — as merlin knows well. he's lying to arthur, and possibly to himself.)

imagine being gilli or mordred and hearing him say that "there can be no place for magic in camelot." (!) What a slap in the face.

I've read meta suggesting that the disir were testing merlin just as much as arthur (or even more so than him). I'm inclined to believe it — I want to believe it. If anything because it makes the story all the more interesting and tragic. (I know what some are going to say — if mordred's destiny was to kill arthur, it would've happened anyway. but remember what else kilgharrah said — the future is never clear. there are many paths).

I understand why merlin did what he did, I really do. but for a moment, the fair and just kingdom he spoke of was within reach, and he failed to grasp it.

so was gilli wrong after all?

[and kara. I feel quite sympathetic towards her. we know arthur. she can't see him from our (merlin's) perspective. for her, he might as well be uther. magic people are still persecuted under camelot's law. she has spent her life on the run, she has seen people she loved be killed. and from our (arthur's) perspective, she looks like some kind of fanatic. but in reality. put yourself in her shoes. when arthur offers her a chance to save herself by "repenting" for her crime, she says she has nothing to repent for. "it is not a crime to fight for your freedom". that's the belief she's willing to die for. did she deserve to die for it?

(I also think there's an interesting parallel in merlin failing his kin in the disir, and arthur failing mordred in ep 5x11 by condemning kara to death. something about pinning all your hopes on someone who's going to fail you, and doom you both. idk idk.)]

sorry anon. you were saying

[meadowlarksabove]

Sorry for all the ooc but at least this one's about writing!

My s/o joined a N*w V*gas discord some months ago and he's told me some unfortunate things about how roleplayers who picked up Legion characters for the server turned out to be weirdos/fascist sympathizers. It sucks that one of the two fallout factions I'm even remotely interested in attracts these kinds of freaks. I understand how that happens tho (I literally wrote my masters thesis on the appropriation of roman/greek aesthetics by modern american extremists). But it bugs me either way. When I write, I'm never trying to make sense of the Legion or make excuses for them. I never touch characters like Caesar, Lanius or Joshua because I have no interest engaging with their thoughts or writing from their perspectives. That's a waste of time for ME personally, and as a person from a colonized people I'd rather talk about the people who are subjected to their tyranny. The frumentarii are as close to authority as I will ever touch, and even then I take liberties in stripping away their power and exploring what it really means to suffer while surviving directly under Caesar. I have no sympathy for the Legion, and I never endorse what happens in the things I write. Though because of these freaks I fear getting misinterpreted or glossed over. I'm also afraid of weirdos thinking they'll have a safe space with me when I'd sooner bite into concrete. This is all to say that I wish more people would approach the Legion from the bottom and not settle for what's at the top. I'd love to write stories about soldiers, workers, artisans, survivors, rebel groups, etc. It gets really boring seeing threads of people either using the Legion as easy canon fodder for action stuff or as a vague wall of evil coming in from the East. All of you are so creative, you could do more! You could destroy or change the Legion in so many creative ways ;-; There's real pleasure in just randomly killing Legion troops, that's true! I do that very often in-game. So trust that I understand and by all means go ahead if that nurtures your motivation for writing. But there could also be so much more! Plus, as someone writing Legion characters, who has spoken to other cooler people writing Legion characters, it becomes VERY DIFFICULT to write with ANYONE because of everything I already mentionend.

[gooeyslime]

As someone who over-analyses stuff to the point I need to memorise every single detail in every media I enjoy I decided to check the meanings/origins of the names of FNaF characters, to avoid any confusion/fights over which name is canon I'll use the ones that are confirmed by the games, no characters from the novels or names that most of the fandom agreed upon or the likes so no Evan and the likes, although I might make a follow-up with them later on to see how well they fit...

Let's start with the ones that I have little to say about, starting with Henry

So, ok, this doesn't really have a deep meaning or anything though in the novels Henry gets described as the total opposite, being very closed off and all so the meaning here is flipped on its head...

Now onto his daughter

Now this is also kinda lame but again the meaning is flipped because she's trapped in the Puppet and it is trapped in the gift box in FNaF 2 and later inside Lefty so it seems there's a pattern here...

Now Cassidy does get mentioned directly in the SB files for Princess Quest so I count that as a confirmed name, however...

This is pretty self explanatory and kinda lame especially with how important she is to the lore, being "the one (William) should not have killed" and all...

Speaking of William...

I'll refrain from going on my "good dad William" headcanon/tangent here because I gotta keep to canon and also I don't want to write another essay over this. So again the meaning is flipped, William is harming kids, though you could say he's a strong-willed warrior in the sense that he refuses to give up and die...

Next we have Mike

Now we're in Bible names territory and I do believe its meaning is flipped in a way, Michael is the one who ends up killing the crying child,albiet on accident, and he's been constantly chasing down William after the events of SL so you could say he's a "curse" to William...

Onto Elizabeth's

Again very religious names, this one is pretty vague especially if we try to flip the meaning... I guess depending on the timeline if Elizabeth died last her death would mark the scarcity of murders? I know a lot of people argue exactly how many kids William killed but the games keep showing us 6 dead kids plus Elizabeth and the crying child so her death could mark the end of the missing children incident, why he would stop is kinda confusing especially since in SB he's back to trying to kill kids...

Speaking of Security Breach and kids, time for the feral child

This one is perfect and we don't have to flip the meaning, Gregory is very much alert and watchful throughout the game, he doesn't trust Vanessa from the start despite having no real motivation for such suspicion and he turns out to be right...

Speaking of Vanessa

This one is definitely the most perplexing to me, why choose such a perfect name for Gregory but choosing a name that just means "Butterfly"? Now hear me out because this is one hell of a stretch:

First of all her name is of British origin which doesn't really mean shit most of the others were either of Hebrew or German origin but it's interesting nonetheless that out of all possible names the chose a British one despite her being American, they could have chosen any name and it would fit considering how vague Butterfly is... Or is it? Butterflies are often used as a symbolism for metamorphosis together with its other life stages and, well, she has gone through a metamorphosis although it wasn't a positive one, through Glitchtrap/William's brainwashing her she went from a game tester to a murderer in a rabbit suit...

Butterflies are also known to have a pretty short lifespan, most live up tp 2-3 weeks and while Security Breach is just one night who knows how long it has been since Vanessa turned into Vanny but it is interesting how in both Vanny endings we kill the butterfly either literally or figuratively by freeing her from Glitchtrap/William's control...

[sinretrograde]

I think for me calling myself a fictive seems wrong.

I'm a fictive in the way someone with no identity tries on costumes until one sticks. I'm a fictive in the sense that I was distressed by my lack of sense of self and quickly needed to latch on to something or I would either disappear or go increasingly crazy until I either found that sense of identity and self or did something drastic.

When I'm reading about others' feelings about being fictives they're very often talking as if they fully and 100% beleive they're literally a fictional character who popped up fully realized and comfortable in their skin... but I always had such a hard time relating to that.

The characters in ultrkl are... well in terms of personality there's very little there. The fandom makes some compelling arguments but it's not like that's backed up and supported by canon in a clear sense.

This was what I latched on to.

In times of high stress and compartmenalizing parts of yourself that you'd "rather not deal with right now" (thanks for that btw feels great feels real welcoming and loving /s) or whatever, well it's like idk... being a... tadpole of a being... i guess. Who am I? Am I really only ever going to be the cut off vague feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, the strong and overwhelming desire ot be wanted, to be loved? Is that all I am? A formless, faceless ghost of someone else?

At first i felt really terrible about it all. Okay here's this guy, and in canon he's not really... okay he has some vaguely interpretation heavy traits.... but the fandom expanded on it in a way that sometimes feels disconnected from the source. When others talk about being a fictive they talk about source memories and canon and whatever and I don't really have that...

I have a cherry-picked smear of fandom interpretations and "untrue" lore expansions.

I shouldn't be upset, I think Gabriel ended up having it worse than me in this way. And we're both extremely upset by the implications we're "doing it wrong" because we have become so different from source, at this point we're "making shit up."

And by making shit up I mean the expereince of being alive and learning more about yourself and changing as a person, especially because we're barely alive as parts of a system. Or at least the way I view it. I want to be my own self so badly but I am both beholden to the system as a whole (without who I wouldn't be alive) and also my own fears of supposedly letting people down for not being who they think I should be.

Calling myself a fictive is weird, but I also don't think I can't call myself that either. I'm extremely heavily modeled after an existing character, and to pretend im not despite all my differences and personal growth is just flat out lying. "HI yes I might see myself as looking exactly like that guy you saw in that game, v2 i think, yeah thats him, pull a lot of my basic attributes from my interpretation of him in game and also in fandom, but like, totally unrelated, not at all have anything to do with the way I am at all."

Lying!!

I mean me and Gabriel have been suffering together with the various crises that come with general existential confusion, as well as our "purpose" within the system. Vague and bullshit tbh. I don't wanna talk about it, they said lust is a sin but I'm not of their faith. It's not a "purpose" it's a part of existence the same as eating good food, walking in the woods, or reading a nice book. I'm speaking Directly To You you know who you are. I know you'll read this, you go through all of our posts when you're awake. I don't only exist to fulfill some "purpose" that's arbitrarily defined by the way others might see me and my actions.

Although... I do have to come to terms with the reason I formed, having been a split off part of uncomfortable emotions that got locked away until they got so sad they got so powerful and gained a voice of their own... like many of us are... negitive things told to go away who later come back with anger and sadness and vengeance in our hearts.

I'm here, you can not get rid of me so easily!

[deancasforcutie]

#co-signed #(and personally I'm booting anyone saying they/the Destiel fandom used to get hatecrimed by Jensen at cons) (via @ironworked)

#like fuck. ‘the writers’ were never the ones calling anyone crazy. it was literally the fandom fighting with each other !!!! #writers being vague abt an ongoing project is normal #and also doubly so when you consider it was actually the NETWORK that was censoring destiel at every turn #like of course the creatives involved are going to be ambiguous when talking abt the topic directly #they are TRYING to put destiel INTO the show #every single cut like or scene was WRITTEN by a WRITER #the writers are not the big anti-destiel enemy. you want someone to blame look at the network aka TPTB #aka the chuck stand in for the final season that the writers were making a commentary about #chuck may be a ‘writer’ but by the end of the show they definitely painted him more as a network exec type with the whole ‘canceling #all his other shows (worlds)’ and explicitly talking abt the spn universe as his favorite show rather than story or book #but anyways! #every time I look at old fandom stuff where fans felt they were being told they were crazy it’s never been from the writers #and most often it was literally just….fandom in-fighting and anti-destiel ppl shitting on the ship and invalidating it #by calling ppl who shipped it delusional. which I mean. i have been in many fandoms and that has literally just the anti playbook #people who are always against a big ship will fight it by calling the shippers delusional #this is getting long but. I’d also argue most of the ‘convention hostility’ was also just. antis / wincest crowd being shitheads #the audience were the ones making things inhospitable to destiel fans #and I am sorry but. actors whose main experience with fandom shipping was ‘being harassed for yrs to the point where #threats were made against his wife and kids and also his wife was given gifts to purposely injure her’ being wary of yet another Big Ship #is completely understandable #and I don’t think ANY of jensen’s initial thoughts on destiel had anything to do with being ‘homophobic’ or hating the idea of it #i just think this man was Tired and also didn’t understand shipping or fandom stuff much and thought ‘oh no the same thing that happened #with wincest /j2 is going to happen with this’ #but that was over a decade ago now and he’s clearly changed his stance as we can see with how much he’s gushed praise for the confession #and had countless positive interactions with destiel fans #i think too many ppl conflate the hurt they felt as a teenager hearing an actor deny their ship and have blown it up into a huge Thing #without ever thinking abt what his perspective on shipping was up to that point #but anyways. no destiel fans you weren’t crazy but none of the ppl the fandom collective hold up as their Enemy are actually the Enemy #fandom (via @angelsdean)

#does anyone recognize the name meghan fitzmartin? she was dabb's assistant hired in season 12 and (co-)wrote two episodes in 14 and 15 #anyway she went on this great podcast where creatives talk about their influences and favourite media #without any prompting she went into a discussion about shipping your comfort character as a proxy for self-love and acceptance #specifically how she relates to dean and likes to read about him being loved and taken care of by castiel #like I DO get where the feelings of persecution are coming from and I've felt that way plenty of times before #but you can easily throw a rock in any direction and find a writer who either hints or full on says they support it (via @microsoftofficesuite)

#give me one - just one - actual verifiable citation if you're going to spew this shit #no one is better at gaslighting supernatural fandom than supernatural fandom (via @swordofsun)

next person who perpetuates the completely fabricated anti-adjacent fandom myth that "the writers" shot down queer dean and deancas interpretations of the text and "told us we were delusional" for seeing any of it is getting blasted directly into the boötes void

[gunmetal-ring]

for the choose violence ask game, because you haven't been choosing violence lately! (and you can do this for any ship if you want) 6, 13, 14 please :)

Oh hi! Also i do feel like ive chosen violence lately but scrolling thru my tumblr it seems like maybe its only been on discord not here so nvm then lmao. Thanks for your close eye im very flattered ❤️

6- which ship fans are the most annoying:

Okay im taking this literally - youre asking "annoying" not "what is the most evil behavior you have seen in the name of shipping" so im answering it as such. And itll probably be... well ig not rly a ship but more just the ppl who go to any and all lengths to insist that caryl is platonic bff status 4ever. Like theres ppl who just believe it and shrug, and there are ppl who make it their lifes fucking mission to pop up in rbs and rts and whatever to be like ACTUALLY THEY CALLED EACH OTHER THEIR BEST FRIEND SO THERE and its like a) im rly sorry that youve never had a partner that you consider your best friend and b) i feel very secure in my "dreamt they were married with a kid" and "i love you as parting words" knowledge that caryl is, in fact, romantic. But its annoying. Like little flies to swat away. Like who is this hurting. Actually in general anyone who goes out of their way to comment "i dont like this ship" on a post or whatever is annoying. Everyone is annoying. Except ppl who ship caryl and hellcheer.

13- worst blorboification

Mr guitar hero himself. Yes hes a gremlin idiot doofus w a heart of gold, but he is also an asshole who likes intimidating ppl and mocking ppl and generally being a menace. Thats WHY his scene w chrissy was so special. We saw him go straight from unprovoked yelling at a roomful of ppl and manhandling nervous children -> quite literally falling all over himself to make a sad scared pretty girl laugh. He contains multitudes. Hes not a one note puppy dog. Appreciate his assholery. Blorbify THAT.

14- that one thing you see in fics all the time

Oo... this is 100% choosing violence... OOOOO.......... OOO!!!!!! also im assuming this is meant to be "see it all the time and its a bad thing" so thats fhe reason for my ooos

There are so many. So many. SO. MANY. So many hellcheer fics w certain kinks that are extremely triggering and off putting to me and its not even always in a pwp context and its not always tagged either and it feels like its rapidly increasing in presence and frequency and i feel like you could probably piece together what it is from my hints + my previous posts vaguely mentioning it but believe me i have Thoughts and that is 100% choosing violence and anyway. Its in fics. A lot. And its upsetting as a general thing to me but the normalization of it is directly correlated w the lack of tagging it and yeah its just like. Gah

Anyway im gonna end on a happy nonviolencechoosing note and say my favorite fanon is that both eddie and chrissy are bi lmao bc im bi and also it seems like so many hellcheer shippers are bi also which is magnifique. I think part of it is the whole subversive aspect - cheerleader girl is supposed to be with jock boy but instead shes w antithesis of jock? Metalhead boy is supposed to hate conformity and instead is w the most stereotypical manifestation of conformity? Just rings very true to me as a bi woman re secret longing and innermost desire and scary-but-freeing acknowledgment of living outside your prescribed box etc etc. Anyway thanks/sorry lmao

[artronenergy]

it’s really funny actually that The Doctor, who is often characterized by their desire to be accepted by humans and tries very hard to not be too alien (multiple times basing their entire presentation upon seeming happier and younger so as to not come off as an unpalpable time god) literally does not care whatsoever about their companions seeing them act sweet and vaguely romantic towards the TARDIS. 

They go out of their way to avoid mentioning regeneration, anything about their species, the number of hearts they have, other companions, etc. unless directly asked (and even then tend to dodge the question) but they’re always shamelessly one step away from making out with that box and everyone just has to play it off as if it’s not the most ??? thing about the Doctor.

Graham/Ryan/Yaz are introduced to the TARDIS when the Doctor runs up and starts stroking the door and whispering to it. The third Doctor compliments the TARDIS’s intelligence and Mike goes “you make it sound like it’s alive” and he’s like “yep” and then promptly leaves forever without clarifying anything. Romana sees him kiss the console within 5 minutes of meeting him. Amy witnesses him calling it “dear” right off the bat. Mel’s like “yeah, not sure what’s going on but they’re basically an old married couple” in one. 

I mean, Bill has to ponder this conversation all the way to the wardrobe:

the way companions have to put up with how defensive he gets over the TARDIS’s feelings

 "Well, that's the best I can do." He patted the console. "The rest is up to you, old girl!"  Ace could never quite get used to the way the Doctor treated the TARDIS like an intelligent living being. "You're letting the TARDIS decide where we go?"  "Not entirely. I'm using the time-path indicator to lead us into the right spatio-temporal segment, and leaving the TARDIS to do the fine tuning."  "How will it - "  "She!" whispered the Doctor. "If you hurt her feelings she'll sulk."  Ace gave him a look. "How will she know?" 

(Timewyrm: Exodus)

The Doctor spread his arms out across the restored console, pressing his cheek against the warm metal. ‘I was worried about you for a while,’ he whispered.  ‘It worries me when you talk to the ship,’ Jamie said. ‘Sssh, you’ll hurt her feelings.’

(The Nameless City)

Evelyn (and certainly many others) even has to listen to him go on about how much he loves his TARDIS and is at the eye rolling stage over it

EVELYN: Doctor, what are you doing? DOCTOR: Tinkering. EVELYN: Tinkering? DOCTOR: That is what I am doing. You just can't beat the satisfying sound of metal on metal. EVELYN: You're quite the busy preoccupied bee. DOCTOR: Really focuses the mind. Besides, she likes it, don't you, old girl. There, you see? I swear she understands every word I say. EVELYN: Good heaven, you talk of her as though she's your favourite pet dog or something. DOCTOR: More like a constant hand to hold. She's always been the woman to me. EVELYN: Oh, thank you very much. DOCTOR: Oh, come now, Evelyn. I didn't know you cared. EVELYN: Doctor, behave yourself. (Both laugh.) EVELYN: Well, I just mean to say, how's a girl supposed to feel when a rickety old blue box holds more attraction? DOCTOR: This rickety old blue box, as you call her, has been the only fixed point in my ever-changing world. Even my own people have let me down. You, my dear Evelyn, will let me down one day. Oh, not in a drastic way, perhaps, but you will find your own path to walk, and you will walk it without me. EVELYN: Oh, here we go. DOCTOR: Companions come and go. Some leave deeper imprints on my hearts than others. But you all go eventually. But not my old girl. She's the only one that shares all my memories.

(Medicinal Purposes)

The important part is that the Doctor never explains shit about this. There’s never a “oh by the way the TARDIS is alive and sentient and that’s why I keep talking to her like that” (possibly because everyone is too bewildered to even try to figure out how to ask why they keep whispering to their ship so it never occurs to the dr to say anything). All of this is just a one hit KO for anyone who knows them, every time it happens, which is pretty much all the time, until they either realize she’s alive or just settle into some form of acceptance that this guy sometimes calls the spaceship “sexy”. 

The five stages of realizing your alien friend is actually for real in love with their time machine (... which the viewers go through as well)

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Six. Movies and Speedruns

warnings: swearing, many memes word count: 3.8k (not including pictures) (wow okay ash pop off!) 

behind the screen (irl!dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: LETS ALL JUST AGREE TO NOT LOOK AT THE DATES ON TWEETS AND STUFF BC SOME CHAPTERS ARE SO SCUFFED WITH DATES!!!! JUST KNOW THIS STORY STARTS MID NOVEMBER!!!!!!!! (in a world where covid doesn’t exist btw)

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Unknowingly and unintentionally, Y/n let out a big sigh as she poured a glass of water.

"What's wrong, Y/n?" Naomi asked gently, coming up behind her and hugging her tightly.

"Peter."

Naomi hummed, a sign that she was waiting for Y/n to lead the conversation so she could follow because if it were up to Naomi, she would immediately start trash-talking Peter and she wasn't sure if that was the vibe right now or not.

Y/n shook her head in disbelief as she jumped up to sit on the counter. "He got so mad when he found out I slept over at Karl's."

"I'm sorry, Y/n. I wish you would just cut him off completely."

"I don't know. I know I should but... part of me wonders if he could ever go back to how he was when I met him. I would probably date that guy again but not who he turned out to be."

Naomi looked horrified. "No. You sound like you're considering hearing him out. No, is that a joke? He's a bad person."

"I'm not," Y/n reassured. "I'm just thinking hypothetically. Probably because I miss having someone..."

"Y/n, you have a ton of thirsty people in your mentions. If you really want someone that bad, just scroll through, land on one and I bet they're a million times better than that sack of burned potatoes."

Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled lightly. "Most of those are jokes."

"Not all of them," she teased.

"I know you're going to tell me anyway so just say it. Who specifically do you think isn't joking?"

"Dream," Naomi sang.

"Okay, crazy." Y/n reached over, staying seated on the counter as she grabbed a bowl from a cabinet on her left. She then leaned all the way right, reaching as far as she could, but couldn't quite grab a cereal box from the top of the refrigerator.

Naomi rolled her eyes as she helped, handing Y/n the box. She even went the extra step to get Y/n a spoon and the milk because she was that nice. "I'm not joking. Neither is he. Karl and I have talked about it and we both agree."

Y/n paused at her friend's words, her hand hovering over the milk that Naomi held out for her. "You guys gossip about my love life?"

Naomi set the milk next to Y/n, tired of holding it out for her. "Of course? Like we don't do that about Karl? Or you and him about me?"

She couldn't argue there.

"Karl says there's a different vibe from Dream when you join calls and I believe it. I mean, I've seen it during streams myself so I can only imagine how much more obviously in love with you he is during private calls.

"That 'vibe' is Karl's delusional mind creating things. He's too scared to talk to cameragirl so he's projecting onto Dream and I."

"Yeah, okay," Naomi agreed sarcastically.

Y/n huffed. "Besides, he's in Florida. I'm in North Carolina, in case you weren't aware."

"So you're saying if you lived in the same state, you'd date him?"

"I didn't say that." She honestly had never thought of it. Sure she liked hanging out with Dream and her stomach got butterflies when he talked directly to her and he made her smile harder than anyone ever had and he—

And she didn't like him like that. She had only officially met the guy like a week and a half ago and she didn't know what he looked like. There was no way you could catch feelings for someone without seeing them.

Naomi's expression fell again. "Distance doesn't matter, anyway."

"I swear if you say something about George I will slap you," she threatened through a smile and Naomi gave her an innocent grin back.

"If you're lonely, get on Tinder, not Peter. Or get on Dream. I have no qualms with that."

"Peter isn't even an option, Naomi." Y/n sighed, ignoring the comment about Dream.  "Also," she swallowed the last of her cereal and set the bowl down with a clank. "I'm gonna tell Peter I don't want to be friends anymore. Dream and George can be added to the list of Peter haters."

"You talked to them about it?"

She nodded. "You know how I have little gossip sessions with George? Well, Dream was there too this time."

"Well, of course Dream would hate Peter. We've established that he likes you."

"No, no, you and Karl delusionally hypothesized that."

Naomi tapped the counter methodically, a sign Y/n knew to signal that she was thinking hard. "Somehow, one day, I'll prove he does."

"Good luck."

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"Yes," Y/n perked up. "Go pick something, I'll get blankets."

She went to her room, grabbing her favorite cuddling blankets. She started leaving her room when she heard a ding on her open desktop, signaling that she had a call incoming from Discord. Cool timing.

"I'll be just a second, Naomi!" she called across the house before dropping the blankets on her bed and sliding her headset on, answering the call from Dream. "Hi, Dream!" She sat on her chair and tucked her knees to her chest.

"Hi," he greeted sweetly. "How are you doing today?"

"Much better than when we last talked. How are you?"

"Great now that I'm talking to you," he said smoothly. Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. "Are you busy?"

"Unfortunately, yes. My roommate and I are about to watch a movie."

"Ooh, what movie?"

"Not sure yet. Any suggestions?"

"Dark Knight. Unless you wanted me to say, like, Tangled or something."

"Yeah, girls' night is exclusively princess movies. Do you know nothing?"

"Apparently," he said with a laugh.

"What's up?"

"Oh, well, I was just gonna see if you wanted to be on call later with me, George, and Sapnap while I stream speedruns, but you're hanging out with your roommate so nevermind."

"Oh," Y/n deflated. "That sounds fun."

"I can push it back if you want to be part of it. If not, that's fine. I just thought it would be cool."

"No, no, no I really do want to, but I don't want you to have to push it back. When were you planning on starting?"

"In about an hour."

"I'll just join later if you're still playing. If that's okay that I come late."

"No. You have to be on time or not at all," he joked. "Of course that's fine," he assured. "And if I'm not playing anymore, you can still join... we usually talk for forever after we play games and it's fun. I would, er, we would love for you to hang out with us."

Y/n couldn't help the large smile on her face from staying even after they hung up and she walked back into the living room with her pile of blankets. She couldn't help it even when Naomi pointed it out and asked why she was so happy.

"Oh, uh, I've been invited to join Dream and them later for a stream."

"That vague answer doesn't warrant the shit-eating grin you have."

Y/n shrugged and cuddled more into her blankets. "What movie did you pick?"

*****

As the end credits rolled across the screen, Y/n yawned and looked over to Naomi in the dark. She was out like a light. Y/n stood up and made sure Naomi was covered in the blanket and she had a pillow. She crept back to her room and slid her headphones on, pulling up Discord where she saw the three boys' names still in a voice call.

She pulled up Twitch on her second monitor and looked for Dream's stream. It was already about an hour in. She clicked on it and her headphones echoed with the sound of George and Sapnap laughing like they said the funniest thing in the world.

"Shut up," Dream muttered. "Guys, what were the coords for the portal? Seriously, come on."

"Nobody tell him," George joked.

"George!"

"Where's Bugsyyyy?" Sapnap whined. "I want her to make fun of you with us."

"Half the stuff we're making fun of him for is about his big fat crush on her so..."

"George!" Dream yelled again. "No, it's not!"

Y/n smiled as she heard that, knowing it was a joke but laughing at the way Dream laughed at the accusation. She knew it wasn't serious or else they wouldn't talk about it on stream. George and Sapnap teased a lot, but certainly, they wouldn't out someone's crush in front of a hundred thousand viewers live.

"Oh!" Sapnap spoke out loud as George laughed loudly, both reading the text at the same time. "Speaking of..."

Dream waited for either of the two boys to elaborate but neither of them offered one. "What happened?"

"Bugsy texted us," George said off-handedly, typing a response to her. "She's coming in a second."

"Oh."

"What do you mean 'oh'?" Sapnap laughed.

"You guys have a groupchat?"

"Aw, jealous?" George asked.

Y/n joined at that moment, the first sentence coming from her Discord instead of Twitch being from Sapnap saying, "Would it make you more jealous to know our group name is Bugsy's Boys?"

"No, Sapnap, that's the one with Karl," George corrected. "The one with just you, me, and her is Bugsy's Boyfriends."

"WhAT?"

"I still don't approve of that, by the way," Y/n commented.

"Bugsy!!" Sapnap giggled happily. "You're finally here!"

"BUGSY!" George cheered.

"Hi guys!" Y/n laughed at the enthusiasm she was greeted with. "Hi, Dream!"

There was a few seconds of silence before, "Dream!!" George yelled right before the death screen appeared on the Twitch tab still opened on Y/n's right screen. "You idiot, what are you doing?! Why did you throw that run??"

She covered her mouth with the hoodie collar and laughed. "Off to a great start, bud."

"NO!" Dream yelled, knocking something, or somethings, off his desk. "Noooo! I didn't throw it, George, I FELL! Oh, that was going to be such a good run."

"What happened? How did you miss that huge ravine?" George asked while laughing. "It was literally right in the open. You didn't even try to use your water bucket."

"I-I was... I was distracted."

"By what? The completely open field with nothing blocking your vision?" Sapnap criticized with a laugh as well.

Y/n giggled to herself before letting her eyes trail to his chat, which was filled with the same accusations and guesses.

user5: BUGSY!

user2: DISTRACTED BY BUGSYS VOICE

user4: imagine saying hi so cutely that you make a man fall into a ravine

user1: are they dumb? obviously bugsy saying hi made his brain short-circut

user6: guys stop it wasn't bc she said hi. it was the g i g g l e

user3: DISTRACTED BY BUGSY!!!!

user8: HI BUGSY

user10: how to kill a man: hire bugsy to giggle and say hi directly to him

Y/n immediately blushed and covered her face again. She really had a habit of hiding even when no one could see her.

"Oh my gosh," Dream groaned, leaving the world and starting a new one. "Oh. My. Gosh. That's so annoying. I was doing so good."

"Oh," Sapnap laughed. "I understand now."

"What? What did I miss?" George asked.

"Just read chat," Sapnap explained. "They have the answer. Dream, your chat is so smart. Thanks for solving the mystery, chat!"

"No, they aren't ri— that isn't true!" Dream defended. "Chat, shut up."

"You sure?" Y/n asked teasingly, watching as his character paused when she started talking. Was she really making him this flustered just by talking? Surely not. He was just playing into the joke. He continued playing without saying anything, which made George and Sapnap laugh more.

The subject eventually changed and the atmosphere quickly became more relaxed and chill. Tonight was not a feral night like George had texted in all caps.

"Hey George," Y/n started, biting on her hoodie string with a smile because she knew Naomi would hear this when she watched the VOD the next day. "My roommate says hello."

"Oh my gosh," he muttered, making her laugh. "Let it go."

"Wow, I guess that's one way to treat your fans..."

"Fine," he sighed. "Tell her I say hello."

"Well, not if you don't mean it," Y/n teased.

"Yeah, George, you sound so unenthusiastic?" Sapnap asked.

"He's just flustered," Dream commented. "It's okay George, you can have feelings."

"Dream, you fell into a ravine because Bugsy said hi."

"Oh, come on! That's not—I just— I missed the jump! That's it!"

"I'm not flustered or unenthusiastic, I'm just tired, okay?" George explained, ignoring Dream, a yawn spilling out of him to prove it.

Y/n smiled. "Well, you could always let me give her your number if you really want..."

"No. If she had Discord you could give her that but not my phone number."

"Wait, really?" Y/n gasped. "Seriously?"

George laughed lightly. "Yeah, sure, why not?"

"YES! Okay, a huge win for the girls. Well, a huge loss for the fangirls but a huge win for the girls of this apartment."

"Oh my gosh," he muttered and she could practically see him rubbing his face in embarrassment.

"I'll send you her hashtag when she makes one so you know who to add back."

"She's going to make an account just to talk to George?" Sapnap giggled.

"Yes, dude!" Y/n defended. "She at least wants to be his friend, let her shoot her shot!"

Dream ended the steam soon after, not being able to focus enough to beat the end on any of his runs. He had streamed for just under two hours so he seemed to be getting tired as well. George went to bed soon after and after 20 minutes of talking with Sapnap and Dream, Sapnap mysteriously disappeared.

Y/n was about to leave as well, not wanting Dream to feel obligated to stay on the call with her when he spoke up.

"Does Naomi actually like George?"

"Yeah, she does."

"Then I want him to accept her love."

Y/n laughed. "How is he with long-distance relationships?"

"Well, he and I do just fine..." Dream joked. "Oh, not what you meant. I don't know, you guys are the ones that talk about each other's love lives apparently."

"You're still bitter about that?"

"Yes!"

"Suck it up," she laughed. "Naomi would do probably anything to date him so I doubt distance is a problem for her."

"George's sleep schedule is completely messed up, so the time difference wouldn't matter too much. And when he comes to America they can meet in person."

"Wait, he's coming to America?" Y/n gasped happily. "When?"

"There's no set date, but yeah eventually. He'll probably just come to Florida but we've all talked about having a huge meetup with a lot of our friends."

"Oh... cool..."

"Bug? You know you'd be invited to that, right?"

"Oh, really?" she smiled.

"Of course. You're part of the group now."

"Sick," she muttered to herself, but he heard.

"Bug, you're one of my favorite people, do you know that?"

She blushed. "Really?"

"Really."

"You barely know me, Dream."

"Yeah, well, I know enough to know that I'm sorta attached to you."

"Attached to me? In what way?"

He suddenly sounded nervous as if his brain caught up with what his mouth was saying. "I don't know, nevermind."

"No, Dream, what do you mean?" her voice was soft and understanding and it made him feel safe.

"I just... I don't know. I care about you a lot. We met only, what, like a week or two ago, and I already worry about you a lot. Playing games doesn't feel the same anymore unless you're playing with us."

"To be fair, we have been tweeting at each other for much longer than a week or two."

"Yeah, that's true. But it's not the same as actually talking to you."

She smiled shyly. "I care about you a lot too, Clay." His name sounded strange as if it suddenly made everything much more serious. "Sorry, that just kinda slipped. I won't call you Clay if you don't want me to—"

"No, it's okay, it, uh, I like hearing you... say it. But, uh, you can call me whatever you want."

She smiled widely at the nervousness in his voice and the hard pounding of her heart. "I've heard from multiple people that you never stop talking about me."

He laughed timidly. "Maybe. Do you talk about me?"

"Ask Karl," she giggled. "My guess is yes." Her stomach felt tingly and her hands shook lightly. Why did she feel like this all of a sudden? It was late, she reasoned. That, or it was because Naomi had planted the seed of curiosity in her mind. Did Dream like her? No... right?

"I'm sorry if my chat was making you uncomfortable at the beginning when I died..."

"Don't worry, I wasn't uncomfortable."

"It was true, by the way," he paused, "what they were saying. Just... in case you were wondering."

Y/n couldn't wipe the smile off her face, which was growing painful at this point. "What, my voice makes your brain short-circut? That was one comment I saw."

Dream laughed. "More like your entire presence, but... yeah I guess so."

How is someone supposed to respond to something like that? The sweetness in his voice almost made her sick but in a good way.

And just like when he named her Minecraft flower something sweet knowing that no one would see it, why was he still playing up the joke when no one was around?

Not knowing what to say, she decided to let him in on a little secret. "If it matters, you're one of my favorite people too."

"It does."

There was a deathly moment of tense silence as if both of them were screaming to say something but neither did.

"Basically, if we do have a meet-up, I'll sue you if you don't come."

Y/n laughed. "My pockets are empty, sir, so... good luck."

He laughed and it was music to her ears.

"Are you not nervous to show everyone your face? Like, if or when we do all get together."

"Not really. Especially not if it's just to our friends. Are you?"

"Yeah," she admitted.

"Why?"

She sighed. "I'm sure people have me painted in a specific way in their heads and I've seen fanart of me that is way different and way more attractive than I am. I just don't want to let anyone down by not living up to their expectations."

"Bug," Dream said softly, "you couldn't let anyone down."

"You don't know that."

"You can't disappoint real friends or real fans with the way you look."

"To be clear, Dream," she laughed nervously, afraid she would sound conceited, "I don't think I'm ugly. I like the way I look. I'm happy with me. But that doesn't mean I can't still let people down."

"Different than expected doesn't mean disappointing."

His words smacked her in the gut. He was right. Reality and imagination are very different. Neither has to be better or worse than the other. She could look the complete opposite of how someone expects but that doesn't mean they will be either disappointed OR pleased. And why does it matter anyway? If she likes how she looks, who cares what other people think?

"It's also scary to think of getting recognized in public," she admitted. "Being recognized from the start is one thing because it starts off slowly with only a few people knowing your face but if the first time people see your face is when you have millions of fans, the recognition would be overwhelming."

"That's true. I don't think I would mind that much, though."

"Of course not, you're you."

"What does that mean?"

"You like the spotlight."

"I guess. Not all the time."

"Well, what about you?" she asked. "Are you afraid of people knowing what you look like?"

"No. I want to do a face reveal soon but I don't know how I would do it. I want to do it at some kind of event or something but I don't know."

"I need to schedule around when you do it because you'll break the internet. Give us content creators a warning so we can prepare to not get viewers for a week."

Dream laughed. "Oh come on."

"Twitter would just be full of the same picture of you in every single tweet."

"It won't be that big of a deal."

"Something tells me your millions and millions of subs say otherwise."

"Whatever," he said. "As if you wouldn't break the internet too."

"Maybe for a day or two. But you'd break everything for weeks."

"Sure." There was a long pause before Dream softly said, "Karl's lucky."

"How so?"

He didn't speak for a moment, almost like he wasn't prepared for that question because he didn't mean to be heard. "I wish I could know you the way he does."

"You could. He and I knew each other in person first so it's different. You and I could get there eventually."

"You think so?"

"I know so. I trust you a scary amount for someone I met weeks ago."

"I didn't mean to sound like I'm trying to pressure you into showing me your face or telling me your name. I didn't mean like he gets to know what you look like and I don't. I meant, like, I wish we could hang out in person because I prefer that over talking in Discord."

"I get it, Clay. I feel the same way," Y/n said softly. There were a few moments of silence before she spoke again.

"Oh, gosh, it's already four."

Y/n's head snapped to look at her clock, which read 3:57am. "Already?" she whispered. "Dang."

As if acknowledging the time changed the atmosphere, it suddenly felt like 4am. Her back ached from her shifting in her chair so much over the last few hours, never being able to find a good position. The house was eerily quiet and all she heard was the low hum of the heater. The house felt stale, not used to its occupants being so alert and awake at that hour.

"I should probably go to bed..."

"Yeah, me too," Dream agreed. His voice sounded tired. "Thanks for joining us, it was really fun with you."

"Thanks for inviting me. Sorry I made you die. Hopefully you'll still let me back again."

"You're always invited to barge into my streams. Actually."

Y/n giggled again and mentally slapped herself for sounding like a little kid. "Well, you too. You can interrupt my streams anytime."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Goodnight, Clay."

"Goodnight, Bug."

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[xcrystalzero]

all the things i believed

pairing: xiao x reader

summary: you've only seen the boy who lives in the apartment one over from yours a few times, but you knew the look of someone who wanted to seem intimidating when you saw one. so, why was his music taste so adorable?

alternatively, xiao thinks that the apartment walls are a lot thicker than they actually are and accidentally exposes the fact that he's not nearly as angsty as he wants everyone to believe.

note: soft xiao makes me way too happy. also, here is xiao's playlist! i recommend listening while you read :) if you guys like it, i'll make playlists for my fics more often!

"I'll miss you!" Your roommate had her arms wound tightly around your torso and it didn't seem like she planned on letting go any time soon. She was also squeezing just a tad too hard and it was starting to hurt.

Gingerly, you patted her on the shoulder, subtly attempting to pry her off of you with your other hand. "I'll miss you too... But remember, it's only two weeks and then you're back!"

That only served to make her pout even more as she finally pulled away "Two weeks is so long though! How am I going to survive without you and your brownies?"

"Hah, so you're really only worried about not having brownies huh?"

"You know that's not what I meant!" she whined, causing you to giggle slightly. Honestly though, there was no way anyone watching could possibly think that she would only be gone for two weeks. Your roommate had decided that she needed three full suitcases and the world's largest carry-on purse for her little trip, and you were honestly a little worried about it.

"Ahem..." Your bonding moment was promptly interrupted by a soft but very present voice directly behind you. Whirling around, you came face to face with a vaguely familiar figure.

It was the golden eyes that caught your attention first. Even in the strange fluorescent light of the hallway, they almost seemed to have a light of their own, a hypnotizing sort of gleam that you couldn't bring yourself to look away from. Of course, the rest of him was no less than stunning either. Dressed head to toe in black with his angular features and lean build, he was striking.

His eyes widened slightly as you turned towards him though they settled fairly quickly back into what you could only assume was his trademark glare.

"Just... trying to get through." His voice was gruff, but much softer than you had anticipated. Perhaps even gentle?

Oh yeah, that was how you knew him! Your schedules must have been somewhat similar since you were sure you passed him at least a few times a week. You had never talked but you were pretty sure you had seen him going into the unit one over from yours quite a few times.

So this was your neighbor huh? He was cute, if a little intimidating.

"Oh sorry!" your roommate chimed in. "We were just leaving, we'll get out of your way!" She began to scoot her bags to the side and you quickly joined in, wheeling one of the suitcases to the side, though you couldn't seem to keep your eyes off of the guy. Every time you looked away, it was as though your gaze was drawn back towards him by some unnatural force.

It helped that he seemed just as awkward with the whole thing as you did, alternating glancing between the you and your roommate, the floor, and his phone. As soon as there was enough space for him to squeeze by, he did, mumbling a quick thanks as he made his way down the hall, unlocking his door and disappearing into his apartment in what felt like a second.

After a moment of silence, your roommate piped up again. "He's cute!"

"He can probably still hear you!" you whacked her across the shoulder, causing her to pout in your direction again, though the teasing look never left her eyes.

"He's kind of your type too isn't he?" she all-but waggled her eyebrows in your direction to which you rolled your eyes.

"Aren't you already late for your flight"

"Oh shit!"

~~~

The apartment felt so strange when you were alone. Usually around this time of night, your roommate would have come banging on your door to join her for her late night rom-com marathon or to help her chose an outfit or the party she was going to. Tonight however, everything was quiet.

With a sigh, you slumped over onto your bed, scrolling aimlessly through your phone in hopes of finding some sort of entertainment.

That was when you heard it. The soft sound of an instrumental through the wall, slowly building in volume as you assumed whoever lived in that room turned up the volume.

"40 days and 40 nights... I waited for a girl like you to come and save my life..."

Aww cute, love songs! Had you been busy or doing literally anything else, you might have been annoyed, or at least a little worried about exactly how loud they had to be playing their music for you to be able to hear it. As things stood though, it was a welcome distraction.

"You were out of my league, all the things I believed, you were just the right kind yeah you were more than just a dream..."

Oh yeah, you knew this song too! There was a sort of second timbre to the sound and you wondered if the person playing the music was singing along as well.

Wait, who was playing that music. Judging by the sound, it was likely the unit one to your left where their wall joined with yours. The unit one to your left...

Multi-colored hair and golden eyes... The cute guy? Pulling yourself immediately up into a sitting position, you pressed yourself to the wall before immediately realizing how crazy you were acting.

He was just playing music, that wasn't anything weird.

"Romeo take me, somewhere we can be alone..."

Taylor Swift. He was playing Taylor Swift. At that, you started laughing. Wow, appearances really could be deceiving huh? You sighed as you leaned with your back against the wall, letting the vibrations from the music soak into your very being.

You were sure that you'd heard music coming from that unit before but he wasn't usually loud at all. Maybe something was different today? Maybe you'd ask him when you next saw him. And maybe, he'd actually want to talk to you when you did.

Or maybe not.

So for now, you let your head rest against the wall, letting the music and soft singing lull you into relaxation.

~~~

That was it, you despised public transportation. All you wanted was to get out of your apartment for one day and take your work to a nearby cafe. So of course, when you ran outside to catch the bus that came once every hour, the bus driver looked you straight in the eye as he closed the door right in front of you and drove off. And then for good measure, it started raining.

You sighed, burying your face in the backpack on your lap. If the bus app was right, which it rarely was, there was another bus you could take arriving in the next few minutes, so maybe this wouldn't be as awful as you thought.

The sound of footsteps entering the little bus stop booth got your mind off of your moping as you raised your head just enough to peer over at who it was that had just joined you.

Oh. Standing there, hood pulled up over his multi-toned hair and seemingly permanent scowl fixed on his lips, was your hot neighbor. Your hot neighbor with very interesting music taste if last night told you anything.

Since nothing could go right for you, the moment that you looked at him, he looked at you, meaning the two of you got to share a few agonizing seconds of awkward eye contact before he pointedly turned away with a soft "tsk". That being said, you were sure that you weren't imagining the slight tinge of shock you had seen in his gaze for a moment.

"You've got good timing, there's one coming in like 5 minutes." You had no idea how you had managed to get the words out without stuttering or blushing the moment he turned back to look at you.

"That's good..." Yup, that was an expected response, and yet, you really just wanted him to keep talking. So this was the end of your story with the gorgeous emo boy next door. Relegated to exchanging conversation about public transportation and nothing more. It was really the wasted potential here that was killing you. So many cute interactions that would just never happen. Ah if only the bus would come so that you wouldn't have to wallow in your despair any longer.

"I... thought you were leaving yesterday?"

Oh? You whirled around way too quickly to face the man, causing his eyes to widen as he shifted away instinctually.

"Oh, I was just helping my roommate move all of her stuff," you managed to get out, summoning what you hoped was a non-nervous smile to your lips.

"Those were all her bags?" he seemed horrified, enough so that you couldn't hold back your laughter.

"I said the same thing! She's kind of insane sometimes but I love her..." Well, it was no or never. "I'm [name] by the way!" You smiled and extended a hand out towards the boy.

He regarded you for a moment with a look you couldn't put into words. After what felt like an eternity however, he gently took your hand in his own, holding it for barely a moment before pulling back again. "Xiao."

Xiao. There was a strange sense of relief that came with this new knowledge. Know that you knew his name, was it couth to ask him what his favorite Taylor Swift song was? Probably not. But there was a chance that you might literally never be able to talk to him again... Meh, it was as you were thinking before right? Now or never.

"Hi Xiao. I liked your playlist last night by the way." The words came out more effortlessly than you had thought they would, carefree and teasing.

You were a little bit surprised though when you glanced back over at Xiao, only to find him eyes blown wide as a deep red spread quickly across his cheeks. "Y-You!"

"Honestly a pretty good curation! If a little unexpected..." You had no idea what it was about this guy but he really brought the snarky, teasing part of you out. Maybe it was the fact that while he usually looked cold and intimidating, blushing, embarrassed Xiao was strangely adorable.

"I thought you left!" Xiao blurted out. "I mean... There were so many bags... And your roommate said that you guys were leaving..."

You stared blankly at him for a moment before immediately dissolving into peals of laughter. Xiao had the gall to pretend to be offended for a moment before he looked away with a soft huff. "What..."

"You know, I kind of thought you were scary at first," you managed between giggles. "I guess not though!"

"Ugh, you're insufferable." Xiao rolled his eyes though you were sure that you saw the slightest hint of a smile as he did. "Why were you listening through the walls anyway?"

"Xiao, it was literally so loud."

"It wasn't that bad!"

"And I think I heard some singing too! Say, you in a band? Do you guys usually just write love songs?"

"I was not singing!"

There was a strange warmth in your chest as the two of you went back and forth. So things could go right for you after all?

~~~

Sadly, you and Xiao hadn't been going the same way, so when his bus came - before yours you might add - the two of you had parted ways. The sun had been going down when you made your way back home, satisfied with a productive day, though the memory of your conversation with Xiao was still taking up a lot more headspace than you would have liked.

So this is what it was like to simp for a guy? You weren't sure you liked it.

Setting down the takeout you had picked up on the counter, you crashed onto your living room couch with a low groan. Sleep would be nice right about now, but also, you had to eat and shower and clean...

"I wonder what Xiao's doing?" The thought appeared in your head suddenly and you almost smacked yourself right then and there. Why were you always thinking about him? You'd literally spoken to the guy once, and it wasn't anything special! Just some teasing and his little retorts... And his cute blush... And his little smile... And the way he pretended to be annoyed when he was clearly enjoying it... Wow, this was worse than you thought.

"CAN YOU FEEL MY HEART?"

You yelped, jumping up in your seat at the sudden noise, coming once again from the wall separating you and Xiao's units. You paused for a moment but before you could stop yourself, you were back up on your feet, making your way over and banging against the wall.

"You're not fooling anyone Xiao!" you yelled, not sure if he could even hear you. Apparently he could since the music stopped as quickly as it had started. There was a moment of silence as you pressed your ear to the wall, waiting for his next move. What you did not expect was to hear sound in the other direction. A knock on your door.

Confused, you made your way over, unlocking the door and pulling it open to reveal, Xiao? He was still wearing his giant black hoodie, though the glare was missing.

"Did you run out of sugar or something? Or fake angsty songs to play?" you questioned with a grin.

As expected, he let out a soft huff, turning his head away in fake exasperation. "You're a menace."

"So what I'm hearing is that you want me to send in a noise complaint!"

"You idiot... I'm just here to-" For whatever reason, he was blushing again.

"Here to?" you prompted, wondering if you should invite him in or offer him water or something. He was tugging at the collar of his hoodie too...

"J-Just here to say that if you're going to sit there listening through the walls, you might as well just come over..."

Did you hear that right? You stared at him for a moment longer, blinking slowly. This was probably a dream right? You were so tired when you got home that you fell asleep and now you were dreaming.

"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to..." Or maybe not.

"You know, normal people just invite people over without pretending to be edgy right?"

"Shut it, are you coming or not?"

"Yeah yeah I'm coming. Oh yeah, I got takeout, I'll bring it. It's from that new place down the street, Wangshu Inn. Have you ever had Almond Tofu before?"

"... you're unbelievable."

note: i want a hot neighbor like xiao... i did have a hot neighbor who i did hit on, but then i found out that he had a girlfriend so i stopped... but xiao would be better.

[thetargaryenbride]

A break [Levi x Fem!Reader]

Requested by: @emmaandemmal  Hi, I love your works! Can I request one where Levi and his fem s/o have been a couple since before they were captured by the scouts in the underground? After the deaths of Isabel and Farlan, the reader tries to convince Levi to leave the scouts with her to go and live together in a safer place, but he refuses saying that he believes in Erwin's vision of the scouts and the two begin to fight badly. The reader eventually stays in the scouts because she doesn't want to leave without him, but the relationship between Levi and the reader is getting colder and more detached. The reader begins to think that Levi is no longer interested in her after noticing his growing friendship with Petra and she decides to leave the scouts thinking it's the best decision for her and for Levi. When Levi finds out, he tries to find her, but without success. Only a few years later, he catches a glimpse of her in the crowd after the scouts have returned from an expedition and he follows her. Once they arrive at the reader's house, she and Levi make up and the reader claims that she has been selfish in the past and that she would like to return to the scouts to fight against the titans and to claim the deaths of Isabel and Farlan. Eventually the reader and Levi resume their relationship and Levi promises her that nothing would separate them again. I'm really sorry that it's so long, if you consider this idea feel free to modify it as you wish. Sorry for my English too... it’s not very good. Thank you so much, you're one of the best Levi writers I know! ❤️

I’m sorry for the delay, dear. I was struggling with a mini writer’s block and was focusing more on art but I’m slowly getting back on track! Thank you so much for the request and thank you for your kind words. This really means a lot to me! As far as modifying goes, the only thing I modified is the timeskip. Instead of a few years, I made it one year. I hope you don’t mind ^^

Words: 4.5K

Warnings: Very Brief mention of suicide, prostitution and self-harm

Hope you like it  ❤️ Feedback is deeply appreciated! ^^

Also, if Levi seems OOC, please feel free to correct me~ I accept constructive criticism ^^  

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You were arguing.

You never argued.

But the situation that had befallen you made you feel all sort of ways and neither of you knew how to express those emotions, that stress, which is why it had slowly turned into a fight.

“You shouldn’t have agreed! We have no idea how the world above works! We’re going to fuck up, Levi,” you raised your voice, hands clenching into fists by your sides, levels of anger rising at Levi’s indifference at the situation. You knew that it was only a façade and that deep down Levi wasn’t indifferent. You knew he was probably worried just as much as you were. But right now you were so scared and you wanted him to just show some more emotion, fight back, shower you with words of reassurance, hug you…anything…not just stand with crossed arms, staring at you.

“So what, I should’ve let the bushy eyebrowed bastard send us in prison?” he raised an eyebrow as if challenging you to give him a good reason for your big distaste of joining the Survey Corpse. He couldn’t understand why you had exploded like that when he had agreed. It was the perfect opportunity for the fulfillment of your mission…Not that you had been very accepting of the mission either. Your paranoia and distrust always clawed at you, many a time ripping any semblance of reason and logic. But he couldn’t’ exactly blame you. He was similar in a way. He supposed that this is what living in the Underground did to you.

Living?

No. More like struggling, digging in the mud, to survive.

And the two of you had been doing this since you were kids.  

“I’d rather rot in a prison cell than a titan’s stomach. And since when do you trust nobles anyways? It’s mostly because of them that we all fester here in this dump,” you spat out and he pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh.

“If you are so against this mission, why are you even joining?” he shot back and you choked on whatever words you had the intention of spilling.

You took a deep breath as you slumped next to him on the couch, body completely slacking in defeat as your anger simmered down a bit.

“Do you even have to ask me that?” you muttered as you stared at the ceiling, the hands in your lap fiddling with your fingers. “It’s because I would never turn my back on my family…on you,” you murmured as you straightened up and turned to face him. “Even if it’s the stupidest decision which would probably result in something shitty, I’ll still stick with you. You are all I have…I love you,” you timidly uttered the last words, casting your eyes downwards as a slight blush spread over your cheeks. The man sighed before his hands went to grab yours, successfully stopping your fiddling and wringing, squeezing them reassuringly.

“Look at me,” he ushered you gently yet firmly and you lifted your head, locking eyes with his. “We’ll be fine.”

You let out another sigh before you leaned, letting his arms encircle your form as he rested his chin on the top of your head.

“I pray that you’re right,” you whispered and just when you thought you could have a moment of peace, Farlan entered the room with a constipated expression. You couldn’t blame him. You were all beaten and battered by the soldiers and your ego was bruised, even though you let them capture you. And now they were all standing in your home or surrounding it while you packed the little of your belongings, breathing down your neck.

It was suffocating.  

“We’ve packed everything. It’s time to go.”

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You wanted to blame him.

You wanted to tell him – “I told you so.”

But that wouldn’t bring back Farlan and Isabel.

It wouldn’t stitch back their ripped bodies.

They were gone and the only thing you could blame was this world.

Because it was so cruel.

And the only beauty you found in it was your love for Levi and his love for you.

He had no fault. Nobody knew that things would turn out like this. That fate would decide to cackle in your faces.

The two of you stuck together like glue more than ever after that day. You even went as far as to disregard rules as you would sneak into the men’s barracks just to sleep with him because he was the only one who managed to chase away the nightmares and wipe your tears. And you knew, even without him saying it directly, that you were the only one who could comfort him when he was feeling the burden of the world crushing his shoulders. And Farlan and Isabel’s deaths really did feel like the whole world just crumbled on top of you two. The only difference was that you were more prone to emotions and didn’t find such a difficulty at expressing them unlike Levi who preferred to bottle everything inside, feign indifference and coldness and find toxic coping mechanisms like not sleeping which as time passed shaped into the ugly form of his insomnia, despite all the scolding you’ve done.

Time passed. The first weeks after Isabel and Farlan’s deaths, you had been inseparable. But that slowly began to change after the date of the next expedition was announced. Your paranoia spiked up one night after you had tried suppressing it for days and that resulted in a breakdown.

You wanted out.

You wanted to leave the Scouts.

You had even gone as far as to talk to Erwin and the Commander, literally begging them to help you with the citizenship matters and let you and Levi leave. But of course, they refused and Erwin even went to speak to Levi about this, not knowing that the man had no idea about your plans and wishes.

Levi was angry that you did something like that behind his back. He understood your fear. He understood very well because he was afraid too. He was afraid that he was going to lose you too – the only person he had left. But he didn’t appreciate that you hadn’t been straightforward with him regarding such a serious matter, only revealing everything you have done and felt at the heat of the moment.

“I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a little girl, hiding in the wardrobe, listening how man after man would use my mother every night. Dreaming about a life, safely tucked in the corner of the world, surrounded by beautiful nature, peace and quiet, alongside my beloved person... Is it so bad that I want this for us?” you had asked with trembling voice and Levi’s expression had softened, a sign that he had forgiven you for everything and that he didn’t want to argue anymore.

“As much as I want that too, we can’t have it when the titans are roaming everywhere, threatening to wipe out Humanity. If we don’t destroy them now, we are only delaying our doom,” he muttered as his hand went to softly caress your cheek, making you sigh as you leaned into his touch. “But that man, Erwin Smith, sees something that I don’t. He has a plan to save humanity and… he sees victory… That’s why I want to stay in the Survey Corps and fight,” he admitted and at that moment, you found yourself captured by that determination burning in his eyes.

His desire to fight for a better future.

Not only for the sake of you two, but for the sake of thousands of people.

And while you weren’t completely sure yet that you were ready to sacrifice your happiness and life for a bunch of people you didn’t know or care about, you knew that you were ready to sacrifice anything and everything for him.

And that’s why you stayed.

And he knew that. He knew you better than you knew yourself. But he chose not to call you out for this. Because he understood how you felt. He didn’t belittle you. He didn’t call you selfish or insensitive or a bad person just because you didn’t want to care about anyone else but him. What does selfish, insensitive or bad even mean? They are just vague concepts that are different from every person’s point of view.

And as more time passed, after every expedition, he could see why you wanted to leave. He could see why you didn’t want to fight. Every expedition, every death, left an impact on you, stealing bit by bit from your sunny personality and shaping you into a depressed, miserable person.

Even if you claimed that you didn’t care about strangers dying, deep, deep down, he knew you did. It was just the person you were, trying to convince yourself that you didn’t care about anyone but him in order to protect yourself. But on a deeper level you still cared and you were still affected and he knew that you hated feeling like this – it brought only chaos, confusion and misery to your mind and soul as you desperately tried to live up to your own expectations and build walls around yourself only for every brick to be broken as a comrade would send you a smile or compliment you or help you out with something. And after every expedition, he would gain a better understanding as to why you wanted to be selfish and leave. Why you wanted – why you tried forcing yourself – to stop caring about anything and everyone and run away with him – the one and only person who – you tried to convince yourself – mattered.

And he didn’t know why he couldn’t follow you. On many occasions, he felt the same. But somehow, for some reason, he would always find a way back to Erwin – back to the goal they shared for humanity. He didn’t know where that sudden loyalty for the blonde had come from – the same blonde who more or less had been the reason as to why Farlan and Isabel had died. But it was exactly this loyal bond that had formed between them that prevented Levi from following you and he hated himself for it because he could see how this life of soldiers was destroying you from the inside out and there were moments when he would lay at night and dark thoughts would cross his mind – of your body hanging from somewhere or him finding you drowned or with sliced wrists or a bullet stuck in the head.

It wasn’t uncommon for soldiers to turn to self-harm as a coping mechanism and some even committed suicide.

The fight against the titans wasn’t something to be underestimated and it left an irreparable damage on everyone.

And he could see you were heading that way and he hated himself for not being able to put a stop to this and just grab your hand and run away from everything – as you wanted.

That’s why he decided to distance himself from you. He thought that maybe if he started ignoring you, if he was being cold and distant, it would put a rift in your relationship. It would make you think that he didn’t love you anymore. That you were a painful reminder of the past. And once your bond was severed, nothing would be holding you back. Nothing would stop you from leaving. Because he was the only thing, the only reason, as to why you were still sticking around. And then maybe you would finally be able to find the peace and quiet you had been seeking for ages.

His conversations with you became shorter. His answers – curt. His affection and acts of service decreased. It had brought you to tears, thinking that you had done something wrong and it tore him apart when he caught you crying one night. But it was for your own good so he had to grit his teeth and bear with it never mind how much it hurt that he was causing you this suffering.

Him being promoted to a Captain helped a lot. Now he didn’t need to find reasons or excuses to not spend time with you because he was genuinely so busy all the time. The stress was making him snappy too so he tried avoiding conversations altogether, not wanting to actually say something hurtful because then he would feel even more pain and regret and that would have his resolve crumble and he would go back to being loving and affectionate which was far, far from the goal he had.

Then Oluo and Petra had entered the picture – two members fresh into the Survey Corps, graduated from the same trainee squad with incredible talent and promising skills. He had taken them into his squad but he didn’t know that this would be the final straw to put such a rift in your relationship.  

It was true that Petra was a bit clingy. Her infatuation, devotion and loyalty to him were obvious. But he thought it was a childish, fleeting crush which is why he didn’t find it necessary to confront her about it. He thought it would disappear over time, especially with how both she and Oluo seemed like an old married couple more and more with each passing day. He didn’t want to push away the members of his own squad. He wanted to embrace them. To embrace their friendship. On a subconscious level, he was trying to fill the gaps left behind from the people he lost. The gaps oozing loneliness and pain. The gaps you couldn’t fill because he wasn’t allowing you to in his haste to push you away.

And when one day he went to have lunch with Erwin, as the two needed to discuss important matters in his office, he wasn’t expecting the blonde to deliver such mortifying news to him.

“Look, Levi…I’m sorry to say this but… Y/N left the Survey Corps,” told him the Commander with a sombre tone and Levi felt his entire world shift.

Suddenly, regret flooded him, chilling him to the very last atom.

Erwin saw each and every emotion flashing in his eyes. And even if he wanted to remind his friend of the words he had told him years ago, he couldn’t.

Because there were things in this life that were impossible not to regret.

Like losing a loved one because of your or their own demons.

It was one thing to lose a loved one to death. And completely another to lose them because of your decision.

Levi didn’t utter a word, pressing his lips in a thin line as he swiftly stood up and turned on his heel, leaving the office with ebony bangs covering his eyes, shielding him from his friend’s look of pity and compassion.

He needed to think.

He needed time.

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You don’t realize how much someone or something means to you until you lose them.

No, that’s not exactly it.

Levi cherished you a lot. Levi loved you a lot. You meant the world to him. That’s why he wanted you to leave. He wanted you to find peace. He wanted you to live a good life away from that misery and bloodshed.

Even if it killed him on the inside.

Because if you truly love someone, you would let them go if it was for the sake of their happiness.

But now that he’s finally gone and done it. Now that he not only pushed you away as a lover but pushed you away from his life altogether, he felt lost.

He felt lost and miserable.

As if life was drained from any sound and colour, leaving him to float in some abyss, soaking in his own negative feelings.

The sorrow, the pain, the dread, the loneliness.

If he had to list them all, he would waste all of Erwin’s expensive parchment.

And as he laid there in his bed, after thinking and reflecting on everything for hours on end, staring at the ceiling with an empty bottle of alcohol shattered into pieces against the opposite wall – alcohol that barely got him tipsy – he realized that maybe he wanted to be selfish too. That, combined with the regrets of pushing you away, burned at his soul, melting any doubts he had, like a blacksmith melting steel, and solidified his resolve to find you and bring you back, like a new sword being forged.

So next day after he had gotten all his emotions, thoughts and feelings in check and after he had taken a decision, he approached Erwin and asked for your location.

He was unpleased when his friend told him that he had no idea where you went off to. Part of Levi wanted to be angry and yell at him. Accuse him of lying. But he was so tired after the emotional and mental battle he had wielded that he just gave up on his anger and frustration and decided that instead of letting such negative emotions rule over him, he would brush them aside instead and pave way for that same scorching determination he had for the Survey Corpse’s cause, now combining it with the determination of finding you.

And he didn’t stop.

Once he started, he didn’t stop.

He would visit every town, every village, whenever he was free from his duty.

He never stopped looking for you.

It took him roughly a year to scout most of Wall Rose’s lands.

But it was during one fateful evening, after the Scouts were returning from an expedition, when he spotted you.

The sun had just set, allowing the sky to be painted in purples and blues with shimmering stars being sprinkled onto the canvas. The street lanterns shone brightly and the comforting light spewing from them had illuminated a very familiar form.

A form that Levi knew like the lines of his own palm.

He hadn’t wasted time to jump from his black mare and chase after you. He didn’t want to approach and confront you right away so he just settled for walking at a slow pace behind you, trying his best to not be noticed or come off as some creep.

He seriously couldn’t believe his luck.

Knowing your thought pattern, he believed that you had run away somewhere far. Back in the days when you lived in the Underground, whenever you had arguments – which was very rare – you would always run away from home and hide somewhere far, knowing that it would be hard for him to find you and nearly giving him heart attacks because of it. But this time you had decided to hide right under his nose – near Trost district which was not far away from the SC HQ.

He counted himself outsmarted and he didn’t know whether to be annoyed by this or proud of you.    

You looked radiant even in the dusk. The cream dress you were wearing made you look like a vision, glowing in the dark. It reached a bit past your knees, revealing some of your calves while the upper part left your collarbones in the open. He longed to run his fingers over your skin. Through your hair. To touch you. To feel you. To hold you. To tell you what an idiot he was. How he wanted you back in his life because he couldn’t exist without you by his side.

To apologize.

“Are you going to keep following me or are you going to help me carry the basket?” your voice interrupted his train of thought and he cursed lightly under his breath. You chuckled and stopped in your tracks, turning around ever so slightly, eyes finally landing on the person you were so anxious to see again but didn’t have the courage to approach.

He wordlessly took the basket from your hands and began walking next to you.

All the way to your house you stayed silent.

He didn’t even comment when you exited the District and neared the woods, only lifting an eyebrow.

Your shoes and his boots clinked against the cobblestone pathway, the little door of the wooded fence creaking under your touch as you pushed it. His eyes scanned the yard, taking notice of the freely roaming chicken, a few lambs, one cow and one horse – your horse from the Survey Corps. He could vaguely make out a garden peeking from behind the house so he supposed you also had a backyard where you were growing your food. He almost flinched when a huge dog – almost as big as you and him – came running in your direction, demanding head pats which you gladly gave.

Levi was impatient. He wanted to enter the damn house already and talk. But at the same time, a part of him was happy about the delay. He almost gulped nervously at the thought of the following confrontation.

Almost.

At last, you unlocked the front door and the two took off your shoes, putting on slippers, and moved into the house. You took the basket from his hands and placed it on the kitchen counter before you grabbed a rag to wipe the table and beckoned the man to sit down. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, taking a step towards the chair before halting, looking at you rigidly, and resuming his journey until he was finally sat. You clenched and unclenched the rag before you threw it away and sat across him, fingers now playing with the soft fabric of your dress. You looked at the ground and he looked at your feet, noticing your toes curling and uncurling from nerves even through the slippers.  

“I-“

“Levi-“

You both said at the same time and you chuckled lightly at the cliché situation.

“You first,” uttered the man and you gulped, sending him a wobbly smile.

“I want to apologize-“ you took a short pause and an intake of air when you saw his eyes widening as his features twisted in a dumbstruck expression as if he was unable to process why you were apologizing. “-for leaving so suddenly without uttering a word. It was…childish,” you quieted down and he closed his eyes, sighing deeply. “You were walking further and further away from me, getting extra busy with being a Captain and…and then Petra came into the picture,” you muttered but were fast to wave your hands in defence, “Not that I ever doubted your loyalty! My trust in you would never waver but…I just thought that maybe we both needed a break. We needed to breathe and clear our heads and start thinking properly. That’s why I decided to leave and give us some space. I never truly intended on leaving the Survey Corps or abandoning you…You mean so much to me…but I’m still sorry that I-“

“Stop,” he rose to his feet and you quickly followed, anticipation and fear at his next possible words, building up inside of you, making you feel like burning. “You don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

That calmed you down a bit, the fear leaving your mind, but instead, worry settled as you looked at the way he lowered his head and bit his lip.

“I acted wrongly…I was foolish by thinking that pushing you away would bring you the freedom and happiness you sought,” he muttered and your face softened. “I just,” he sighed as his trembling hand went through his hair in an attempt to ground himself. “I just saw how impacted you would get after every expedition…how you started losing that glow of yours, your bubbly and sunny persona…I saw how hard you were trying to force yourself to stop caring, to be selfish and leave, but you still couldn’t because…because you’re not like that… damnit,” he grit out as he tugged on a few strands before letting his hand fall and rest against his hip limply.

He kicked himself inwardly. He was never good at expressing himself. The moment he had seen you in the crowd, the moment he had set a goal to talk to you and sort everything out, he had been reciting in his head and thinking what exactly he was going to tell you and how he was going to explain himself and the reasoning behind his actions.

“I just-“

“-wanted me to be happy…So you thought that by being a dick and pushing me away, you would make me leave so I can find my peace and quiet somewhere far, far away,” you finished for him, deciding to help him out which caused him to halt in his speech and just stare at you, waiting for your next words, the terror of you rejecting him or telling him that you didn’t feel the same anymore felt like a nettle rope around his neck, getting tighter and tighter with each second, suffocating and scathing him. “Listen, while you might have been partially right, you were also wrong. Because even if I do find happiness away from all the bloodshed, it just wouldn’t be the same without you, silly,” you shook your head as you sent him a sad smile. “I’d rather endure all the pain and suffering in the world than be separated from you,” you finally took the courage to close the space between you as you laid your head on his chest, arms slowly sliding around his torso. He didn’t hesitate to return the hug, sharply bringing you closer, if that was possible, and squeezing you so hard you didn’t know whether to groan from pain or chuckle at seeing him express himself so openly and in such a sweet, boyish manner. It kind of brought back memories from the days you lived in the Underground and how he would hug you exactly like that when you would do something stupid that would put you at risk, albeit a bit more awkwardly since back when you were teenagers you both had no idea how to express your love for each other.

“Deep down I knew you were onto something. Because why would you start acting like that so suddenly? It just wasn’t in your style. But at the same time I felt…” he tightened his embrace even more and buried his face in your hair, inhaling your scent and letting it comfort his tortured mind. He had missed you so unbearably much.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry,” he whispered and you sighed as you ran your hands over his back in a soothing manner.

“I forgive you, Levi…I understand that you did it for my own good. But believe me when I say that I can’t find true freedom or happiness without you by my side,” you placed a kiss on his shoulder before pulling away to look him in the eyes. “Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever try to make me leave. Let’s just stick together through thick and thin as we’ve done since we were kids, ok?” you asked and he nodded, leaning hesitantly. You met his lips halfway and you kissed gently which slowly turned into a passionate, hungry, heated and desperate make out as you tried to feel one another after a whole year of being apart. When you finally broke it off, needing air, you rested your forehead against his and let yourself soak in his presence. He did the same. You just stayed like that, foreheads touching, arms around one another as you swayed ever so slightly.

“Want to help me pack?”