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octupus-on-the-moon · 4 years ago

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A plan

~Yeah, took longer then expected, but i´ll update regulary from now on. The ending is bad i will change that later. Anyway i hope you guys enjoy it~

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Sixth part of a nightmare

Word count: 1566

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Mental health issues

Bucky and y/n spend the rest of the day planning how they would get to the documents of Mr. Belove. They seemed to start enjoying each other’s company. With every laugh and teasing comment, the loneliness that surrounded both faded.

“Wait a minute, won´t your father… Belove… whatever, won´t he suspect something if you don´t come home tonight?” Bucky asked from the floor. He was sitting in front of a hand painted ground-plan, looking up to y/n. She was sitting on the kitchen counter, childly swinging her feet, chewing on a lollipop.

“No, he isn´t that overprotective. I told him I met some old friend from high school and that we have a lot to catch up. Then I wrote Lisa, the woman that helps me out in the house, to pack some things and bring them to me. Don´t worry I told her to wait for me three blocks from here” y/n explained proud of her foresight.

“You really thought of everything?” Barnes praised her, tilting his head a little to the side. “I like that. You can have the bed by the way. I sleep on the floor anyway” Y/n feet stopped “Are you okey?” He frowned. Her proud expression froze. “Did I say something wrong?” Bucky added, surprising himself with a worried tone in his voice.

“No. No. It´s fine. You just reminded me of someone” She excused herself hasty. Followed by a broad smile, that didn´t reach her eyes “However, do we go over the plan again?”

The first problem, was that her father never left the house. He spends most of the time in his office or in the library, near the office. The only moment the bureau was completely unsupervised, not counting the security system, was while breakfast, dinner, late at night or on Friday afternoon; The only day of the week he would leave the house to play golf for a few hours. Barnes and y/n decided to do the-not-actually-a-break-in that day.

The second problem only concerned Bucky. It consisted in him needing to ask Sam for another favor… ��

“It´s easy.” Barnes began “You come home from your lecture at 12 pm, then you take lunch with him. He goes off to play golf at 1:30 pm. I turn of the security system at 1:40 pm. You slip into his office and get the documents of the vault. Then we meet at the gate 2 pm sharp. If something goes wrong, we meet at 3 pm here.” He finished with his everlasting, impenetrable face.

“Sounds solid.” Her phone vibrated. “My package arrived” Y/n announced while looking at her phone. “I´ll go get it. I´ll be back in 20. Don´t do anything fun without me” and she left.

Barnes sat still for a few moments. He was thinking. Since she arrived this morning, something inside him had changed. But what was it? Bucky questioned himself. Then he realized that he had not thought of his anger about Sam, Steve and the shield. Also, his Yori-problem, all the guilt, slid into the background. Today Bucky had laughed and smiled more than he had since 1944. Now that he was there all alone, the silences came back. He felt the void, with all his worries, slowly approaching him.

“It’s the quietest most personal hell” Dr. Raynor´s voice echoed in his mind. Maybe she was right, he thought.

Someone knocked. Barnes rushed to the door. Anything was better now. Better than that awful silence. He threw the door open, just to find Yori standing right in front of him, with a pretty displeased face.

“What about dinner James? We said 6, it´s almost 7” Nakajima complained immediately.

“Oh. Dammit. I am so sorry. I forgot. It´s just. I had a crazy day. And I have a guest.”

“A girl?”

“No! Yes. But not like that. You know what. Just come in” Yori was all smiles as he passed by Bucky, who was desperate by his sudden change of mood.

“Who is she?” Nakajima queried. He was calmly crossing the short corridor, while Barnes closed the door. Bucky´s face went blank, as it occurred him. The report was laying on the counter.

“Ehhh. She. I mean. We” Bucky stuttered as he hurried into the kitchen to collect all the papers “We are coworkers. But she has a problem in her house and is staying a few days with me” He lied after stuffing the papers into an old black backpack, casually leaning against the sink. “She should be back any moment, then we can decide over dinner” Yori looked disappointed, but his face lit up a little after a second.

“James”

“Yeah?”

“You only have one bed” a suggestive smirk appeared on Nakajima´s face. If you looked close enough you could watch Barnes´s cheeks turn red. What did he do to deserve the day of today? He asked. Probably annoy his therapist and not follow the three holy rules, Bucky answered himself, but he won´t change it in the future.

“I will sleep on the floor”

“That´s not comfortable.”

“I know but I can´t share the bed with a stranger Yori”

“Did not mean that. I have two thin extra mattresses. You can have one, till she´s home again” Nakajima offered all serious again. Barnes first reaction would have been to reject his suggestion, but if he did that, he would need to explain why he wanted to sleep on the floor so bad. Or Nakajima would misinterpret Bucky´s intention with y/n.

“That would be great, thank you”

“No problem.”

Silence. Again. But it did not last long. Although Yori preferred not to talk, he felt that something was up. James was usually a very calm guy, but now he was wriggling around impatiently. So Nakajima started to tell about his day. Barnes listen attentively, while making some tea. Grateful not to be surrounded by silence.

“James? I´m back” y/n interrupted them. “I thought we could order pizza” Her voice lowered at the end of the sentences, as she turned around the corner seeing Barnes and Nakajima. “Oh! Hello, I`m y/n.” She introduced herself, reaching her free hand towards Yori. The other one was holding a grey sports bag.

“Yori Nakajima a pleasure to meet you” The little grey man replied, accepting her hand.

“The pleasure is all mine Mr. Nakajima. I didn´t know you were expecting someone today” Y/n said, first addressing Yori and then Bucky.

“Yori is my neighbor. We eat sometimes together, but I forgot that we agreed for dinner tonight” Barnes explained a little insecure, because he didn´t know if it was okey for her, sharing dinner with Yori. Nakajima was silently observing the interaction between both.

“Oh, but he can stay for the pizza don’t?” y/n asked Bucky with pleading puppy eyes. Something about that look made him feel warm inside.

“Yes of course.” Barnes agreed with a little smile, that only Yori seemed to notice. Approving whatever kind of relationship these two had, with a knowing look.

“Mr. Nakajima, what kind of pizza do you like?”

Mr. Nakajima liked the classic New York-style pizza and enjoyed the red wine, Barnes found in one of the mostly empty cupboards of his kitchen.

“James you are really in need of some furniture” Y/n commented from a wooden chair. Yori was comfortably seated on the little armchair, even though he struggled a little reaching for his wine glass on the floor. Meanwhile Bucky was standing near the counter.

“I never planned to have people over and I´m almost never at home, so what´s the point of buying furniture”

“I live alone, but at least I have a table to sit on” Yori added while he balanced the plate on his knees reaching for the glass on the ground.

“Yeah, where do you eat usually? On the floor?” Y/n teased him grinning, before she took a bite of her pizza. Barnes shifted his weight on the left side, uncomfortable with all the questions.

“I never eat at home, cooking for myself isn´t worth it and if I order something I just sit on the floor or in the armchair” Bucky justified his meager living, shrugging and nodding towards Yori. Who just shook his head, amused, about the poor argument. This drew y/n attention to him.

“Mr. Nakajima you said you lived alone. Do you not have any family? Children?” She asked curiously. Regretting once again talking so thoughtlessly, as Yori´s face turned expressionless. Scared of breaking the silence. Y/n looked up to Bucky for help. But he was starring down at his pizza, lost in his own thoughts, which didn´t seem to be pleasant either. “I´m sorry if I did say something wrong. I didn´t know…” Nakajima took a deep breath, so she interrupted herself.

“It´s fine, as you said, you didn´t know. My wife died many years ago giving birth to my firstborn son.” Yori started talking calmly. “My son died a few years ago in a shooting. Since then, I´m alone. James moved here some months ago and spends some time with me. A girl, from the sushi restaurant around the corner, also keeps an eye on me, but that´s it.”

It took a while and an empty wine bottle to restore the relaxed atmosphere. The day ended with a more or less intense card game. After Bucky brought the mattress from Yori´s apartment to his empty livingroom.

Ps. Yeah, i broke my own heart with the dinner scene

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#bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes #bucky fluff #tfatws #ca:tfa #captain america #sebastian stan #CA:TWS #CA:CW #the winter solider x reader #the winter soldier #the winter soldier × reader #white wolf #mcu #mcu phase 4 #marvel #James Buchanan Barnes

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writingtoforgetreality · 4 years ago

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Stranger´s Help - The Devil´s Daughter Chapter Two (Lucifer Morningstar x Daughter!Reader)

[Lucifer-Masterlist], [The Devil´s Daughter-Masterlist]

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Summary: Your first day in LA did not go as planned. You faced human problems you had not even thought about before. Luckily, there was one person who did not just walk by without helping you and somehow you found yourself in a stranger´s car.

Words: 1,797

Warnings: Lucifer Season 5 Part 1 spoilers, language, (Y/A) = your age, (Y/H/C) = your hair color, (Y/E/C) = your eye color, (Y/S/C) = your skin color, somehow sadness, slow burn (sounds romantic but this series is platonic, I swear)

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

You did it. You really did it. Right now, you were surrounded by huge buildings, hundreds of people and loud cars. The trip was short but because of your adrenaline still exciting. Completely overwhelmed by everything, you walked down a street, just taking it all in. This was the first time you ever felt free. Truly free. How could heaven ever compete to that? You could not believe God wanted to keep this from you. It was his creation, should he not be proud of it? He surely was but why did he have such a problem with an angel wanting to explore his beautiful creation? After a while of just walking you had a sudden realization. Maybe you had planned your “escape” for the past (Y/A) years but clearly you forgot the necessities. Humans needed money, something you did not think of at all. At least you were not wearing a special heavenly uniform since you were never really a part of it. Your clothes were rather normal. Still, you felt somewhat cold. Maybe Michael was right. You should have thought this through. Humans paid for their food when they were hungry. They did not have an archangel bringing you a meal in your chambers. Things worked differently down on Earth and you were slowly realizing that you should have thought about all of this sooner. You could not go back now. Not even for a couple of minutes to pack again. That would simply be embarrassing. No, there had to be another way. For now, you just kept walking. Yet you could not help but bring your arms around your body, hugging yourself, to prevent the cold from taking over. It did work at first but soon you were starting to have goosebumps all over your body. The fact that the sun had started setting did not bring you much comfort either. You did not want to give God the satisfaction of being right but you had to admit that, right now, you were kind of screwed. The hotel signs you passed made you want to go inside, pay for a room and just wrap yourself in one of the blankets. Your lack of money made that rather hard, though. Your instinct also told you not to head into the dark alleyways that seemed like the entrance to hell itself. Another hour passed and your feet started growing tired, the sky seemed to turn darker by each second. A break would be very helpful and since you did not know what else to do you sat yourself down on one of the benches right next to the street. Still hugging your body, you hoped the night would go by quickly and the sunrise would bring you warmth again.

Finally, you had the time to really think about that day. That special day you had waited for so long. Honestly, you did not think it would turn out the way it did but it was still so much better than heaven. Tomorrow, you would make sure to somehow make some money. You were not entirely sure how that worked but there had to be a way, right? Finding a workplace that paid enough should be easy but you would deal with this in the morning. For now, you just tried not to freeze. Lost in your thoughts, you did not even see a car pulling over, coming to a halt right in front of where you were sitting. The headlights blinded you, your eyes only adjusted to the dark of the night, making you squint. One door opened and you saw a dark figure approaching you. The longer you focused on it the more you could make out. It was a man with short, styled hair. His smile was welcoming and somehow you found yourself smiling back at the stranger. He was the first one who really looked at you. The first one who did not just walk, or in his case drive, by but really took in your appearance. How your (Y/H/C) hair fit your (Y/E/C) eyes and your (Y/S/C) skin perfectly. Even in the dark, he could see your unsuitable outfit and how you were shaking from the cold. As he walked his way over to you, he took off his leather jacket. He did not hand it to you right away though, not wanting to scare you. He was not entirely sure of how old you were but you did look pretty young. Younger than him, he noted.

“Hi. You look like you´re cold. Here, take my jacket.” his voice was soothing, it had a calming effect on you. Your hands slowly came up to grab the piece of clothing from him, still warm from when he had it on. Immediately, you put the stranger´s jacket on, thankful for his generosity.

“Thank you.” you whispered. Your voice sounded hoarse because you have not used it in a few hours and it was only then when you realized how dry your throat was. You had not drunken anything since your arrival.

“I´m sorry, I didn´t even introduce myself. I´m Dan.” he held out one of his hands. Unsure of what his intention was, you did what felt right. Putting your own hand in his, shaking it.

“(Y/N).” was all you said. You did not even mean to sound rude or anything but your tiredness combined with your lack of hydration started to take a toll on you.

“(Y/N)? Pretty name. Are you here with someone else?” he sat himself next to you, making sure to keep a safe distance, again, not to scare you. Your appearance looked taken care of so Dan assumed you were not homeless or anything like that.

“I´m alone.” your eyes focused on your shoes. His presence did not make you feel uncomfortable but he still was a stranger. Why should you trust a stranger? Just because he gave you his jacket?

“All alone at this time? LA can be quite dangerous at night, especially for a girl like you. Where´s your home? Do you want me to drive you to your parents?” slowly he came closer, watching if you flinched away. You did not.

“I don´t have parents, neither do I have a home.” it was the first time you looked in his eyes.

“Um, o-okay, um, what are you doing here then? Do you have anywhere to go?” Dan was confused by your confession, also by the fact that you delivered it in such an emotionless way. A girl without parents and without a home? He had to help you. He could not just leave you you all by yourself.

“Exploring the city, I guess.” you honestly answered. More background information could not be shared. He would not understand it so why even bother trying.

“Okay, (Y/N), if you want, you can come with me. My home isn´t far from here and it´s certainly warmer than this bench. Also, I got food at home. I´m pretty sure you haven´t eaten?” the last part came out as a question but was rather a statement he needed reassurance of. You confirmed it by lightly shaking your head. Dan stood up, took one of your hands in his and led you over to his car. He opened the passengers door for you and helped you in. When you put your seat belt on, he closed the door and went over to the drivers side. As soon as his door was closed as well he turned up the heat, hoping you would feel some warmth soon.

At first the car ride was a bit uncomfortable due to none of you saying a word. Soon, though, you felt the urge to thank him so you did.

“No problem, really. It would´ve been wrong of me to just let you sit there in the middle of the night, especially when you have nowhere to go.” Dan repeatedly looked over to you. He heard your hoarse voice and, to your luck, he had a water bottle in the center console. His right hand grabbed it and held it out in front of you. Eagerly, you took the bottle, opened it and took a big sip. Your throat stopped burning and again, you thanked the man next to you for his help.

“Not to sound curious, you don´t have to answer, but why don´t you have a home, (Y/N)?” Dan took his time, wanting to choose the right words. Your face was stern. Obviously, you could not tell him the truth but you were not really fond of lying either. Lying had always been something you despised. At the same time you did not want to leave Dan completely in the blue. He kind of saved you and you owed him an explanation. You were not about to tell the entire truth but you would not lie either. Maybe just leaving out one or two details, that was not lying.

“Well, Dan, it´s not as easy. My father abandoned me when I was still a baby. I never knew my mother either. So my uncles and my grandfather? Um, they looked after me. The thing was...I wasn´t happy. I didn´t have any freedom and it bothered me to be controlled so excessively. One thing came to another and I decided to leave them behind. They were fine with my decision. Most of them at last. Now I´m here.” as you finished you could feel yourself tear up. Why were you so emotional all of a sudden. You never were much of a carer, why now? That was in the past, you should focus on your future in LA.

“That´s...a story. Are you planning on going back?”

“No, definitely not. I´m fine, I don´t need them in my life.” that made Dan turn his head. He thought about telling you how you did need someone. He was helping you right now. But he did not want to anger you or else.

“I know, I know. I know what you´re thinking. I should´ve planned this better. I´ve realized that by now.” you looked over at him and met his eyes. His lips were in a tight smile, feeling somewhat sorry for you. Maybe you were trying to hide it but he could see how broken you were over the fact that you were alone, without anyone looking for you.

“We´re here.” Dan stopped in front of a nice looking house. Due to the dark you could not make out a lot of it but the headlights showed a little bit of the entrance. This house was bigger than your chambers, that was for sure. You did not want to rely on a human being. Just for one night, you told yourself. Tomorrow, you would be up and going.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (08/31/2020) by Cathy

Tags: @fandomqueen2003, @natashaashleymarvelromanoff, @severewobblerlightdragon, @tenderlyunlikelyexpert, @zoseph, @comicbucky-s, @dad-ee-drea, @xbarrjallenx, @marvelofwitch, @aceofspace95, @julessbrown (let me know if you want to be tagged <3)

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bemused-writer · 4 years ago

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VNC Chapter 47 Analysis

They're labeling this as "chapter 48" on official sites, but the last chapter was chapter 46.5, so I'm just going to call this 47 and hope for the best. XD Anyway, let's get right into it.

We start out with Jeanne at Carbunculus Castle, the place Noé and Vanitas were infamously kicked out of back in chapter 13. We see that Jeanne has an interest in books (and that Luca has given her permission to read his) and goes straight for the fairy tales.

Now, I suspect as a bourreau, she wasn't granted a whole lot of time to read, so the fact that Luca let's her read his books is probably considered a luxury. She looks awfully excited to be reaching for a book. Once again, we see how much Luca cares about her and how much has been withheld from Jeanne for so long.

Because of this, I'm guessing she's unfamiliar with a lot of the stories we take for granted, such as Sleeping Beauty. Regardless, Jeanne enjoys the story about the princess and inserts herself in it, only as the prince rather than the princess. It's interesting that, despite her history with Vanitas where he's been the one helping her (when he wasn't mocking her), she sees herself as the hero of the piece and Vanitas as the person who she can save. This fits in with the more domineering personality she's been demonstrating lately. And frankly, Vanitas is probably going to need her help at some point, so she's probably not completely wrong, even if it seems unlikely that Vanitas would ever accept such a simple romance.

Here's the thing, Jeanne's view on romance is pretty simplistic. That's not bad, but it means she and Vanitas are once again coming at things with a very different perspective. She's envisioning a relationship where she protects him, he welcomes this behavior, and then they go off to enjoy romantic bliss. But the thing is, we know Vanitas doesn't feel this way at all. He's terrified of genuine emotion because he can't believe anyone would think well of him, so unsurprisingly he hates himself, and he doubly hates it when people try to save him or protect him at their own expense (see his reaction to Noé doing just that in chapter 11). So, everything Jeanne wants out of a relationship right now is not going to work for Vanitas. Because, well, all Vanitas wanted out of a relationship was someone who would hate him while also being fun to mess with.

...His standards are pretty low. He is clearly not ready for a relationship of any kind. And, well, Jeanne isn't either, really, because her standards are too... unrealistic, especially considering who we're talking about here.

Anyway, Luca shows up and the two chat a bit before they're interrupted with the news that Dominique is missing.

Now this here is very interesting for a lot of reasons. 1) Apparently the de Sades are not considered reliable. She's been gone for three days and they're only now looking into it? This family is supposed to be politically savvy, yet somehow they get away with ridiculous behavior. Hmmm... 2) We finally know what Dominique's duty is: she's a royal guard. This is big. For one, it means she's been wearing an actual uniform this whole time and it's not just her sense of style. For another, she and Jeanne have kind of similar professions. They're both protecting the royal family. And yet, despite having this important job, Dominique's family treats her like a failure. Why? Is it her meek personality? Or do they not consider the duty of a royal guard all that important?

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if "royal guard" translates to "de Sade spy" because I have a hard time believing this crafty of an aristocratic family would allow their daughter to simply be on guard duty all day. If so, no wonder Dominique is always so stressed.

The guard continue to tell Luca something, but we don't get to hear the whole exchange because we shift to Jeanne's perspective. Still, the guard is saying that something is happening in the humans' Paris, and I think it's safe to assume it's the "vampiric incidents" Noé referenced in chapter 45.

Considering how things are turning out, I think we can also assume the curse bearer is Dominique and these incidents were instigated by Misha. Why would he do this? To get Noé's and Vanitas's attention. His plans haven't really been subtle so far, but he likely knows what they've been up to: saving vampires.

Still, this theory doesn't totally hold up because Misha's plan rested on Dominique luring Noé to him. If we assume he corrupted her name, it's possible she went on a rampage without his instruction and this wasn't part of the plan whatsoever, though, and is therefore still possible.

Luca asks Jeanne to do him a favor, but at this point we cut back to Noé, so we don't know what it's going to be. I'm not sure what role Jeanne and Luca are going to play in this arc. They're unlikely to come in time to save Dominique; they have no idea where she is and even if Vanitas stopped to ask for help, it would be too late. What's more likely is they'll get involved after Vanitas has "rescued" Noé or intervened in some fashion.

Speaking of Noé, he really had a lousy time of it this chapter, didn't he? I'm beginning to see a shift in dynamics. In the first two arcs (Bal Masqué and Catacombs) Noé was the one who did the bulk of the protecting in his partnership with Vanitas. He saved him from Ruthven and he saved him from Moreau. With Gévaudan and now this arc, it seems Vanitas is having to step in to protect Noé.

Having said that, Noé still seems to be the target for a lot more of the malicious acts in this series than Vanitas is, and I'll talk a bit more about that momentarily.

Misha says he wants Noé to drink Vanitas's blood so he'll finally know why Vanitas killed their "Father." Noé admits he has no idea what this kid is even talking about, which surprises Misha.

That all by itself already raises some questions. Everything we've seen of Vanitas makes it pretty obvious he wouldn't talk about his past so easily, but Misha assumed Noé must know a great deal about Vanitas.

Misha: "Well, well. I was overthinking it, huh? You've been together all this time, and yet... You don't know a thing about my brother, do you Noé?"

Was Vanitas more open before he killed Vanitas of the Blue Moon? Or did Misha simply assume that for Vanitas to spend any length of time with someone suggested it must be someone he'd talk to about everything? I mean, in fairness, Vanitas has confided more in Noé than anyone else, but they haven't known each other that long, so his entire backstory would be a bit much right now. Also, how long as Misha been keeping an eye on them? He seems to have some idea of how things are going between them. Either that, or he's making a lot of assumptions.

I find this darkly amusing. Misha has some awareness of how insane his request sounds, but he figures it's simply because Noé doesn't have all the facts and not because, you know, he kidnapped his best friend and is threatening to kill her.

Anyway, Misha rightly assumes that explaining things will probably take a lot of time and Noé frankly has no reason to believe him anyway, so he reaches a conclusion: he'll just have Noé drink his own blood, give him the facts, and then toss Noé at Vanitas to finally get the answer he seeks.

This is such a fascinating mix of good and bad logic colliding here. On one hand, information is good! You definitely want people to have that if you're hoping to get them to help you. On the other hand, forcing the guy you're holding hostage to engage in an intimate act with you to learn those facts probably isn't going to endear him to you in any shape or form. 8D Misha simply assumes that once Noé sees how Vanitas killed his father, he will sympathize with him and want to help him. He's completely forgetting that he is hurting Noé and the person he cares about, Dominique, and that that isn't something he's about to forget anytime soon. He's also not taking into account that Noé has, you know, morals. Forcing himself on Vanitas isn't something he's going to readily do even if he does think killing Vanitas of the Blue Moon was messed up.

Noé doesn't want to drink Misha's blood. He is horrified by his behavior, his actions, and what is basically sexual harassment at this point. But despite all that, Noé drinks his blood anyway, and the reasoning is simple.

She means everything to him and he's worried about her. I've wondered for a while now if Noé is aware of how traumatized Dominique actually is from what happened to Louis. This section makes me think that the answer is "yes."

I can't find the panel right now, but I seem to remember at some point Vanitas made a comment about Dominique being forward or something like that and Noé said "She wasn't always like that." But he said it so simply I figured he thought Dominique underwent a transition just because. But the above panel shows that her transformation was really painful for Noé, too. He had to witness her physically change herself, emotionally change herself, all in an effort to become another person, whom they both cared about and missed. That's psychologically taxing for everyone involved and I think that both Noé and Dominique assigned themselves the duty of protecting the other. Dominique spends all her time trying to make sure Noé is safe as well as trying to become someone she thinks Noé will love, and now we see that Noé was so frightened by her attempt to become Louis he knew he had to do everything he could to protect her.

Also, for ages now I've thought that Noé was projecting Louis onto Dominique or that certain moments with Dominique made him think of Louis, but I need to retract some of that. Since Dominique spent so much time dressed as Louis, those time he "thought of Louis" were probably times he was thinking of Dominique in her "Louis phase." Which is definitely hard to keep track of, but for now I think we should just assume all the times he drank "Louis's blood," or danced with "Louis" he really did do those things with Dominique.

Which means another thing: these two have a much higher chance of being a couple than I originally thought. There's even more history and backstory together than I'd realized, and we're really seeing how much Noé cares for Dominique now. The real hindrance in this relationship is Noé's obliviousness and Dominique's self-hatred.

But let's get to Misha's backstory, which we get to see as Noé views his memories.

This panel right here explains Misha's behavior pretty well actually, which is handy because Misha's behavior is decidedly unsettling. There's no denying the sexual way Misha handled himself when he offered his blood to Noé and it seemed to me like a very learned behavior. We see here that's the case. The phrase "turn tricks" means to engage in sex, so what the guards are telling us is that Misha's mother had him perform sexual acts with her customers. So, that's unbelievably messed up, but Misha's behavior makes a lot more sense now. He was taught to do this, is used to doing this, and knows it's a method to get what he wants. Well, he wants Noé to do something for him, and, well, drinking blood is often a seduction method for vampires, so I guess by that logic he should get exactly what he wants.

Except Noé isn't a customer, he's not interested in Misha, and he's essentially having a panic attack. Not an ideal way of getting someone to do what you want. Like I said, Misha's logic is a fascinating mix of good and bad and that is really being highlighted right now.

Also, going back to Misha making assumptions about Noé and Vanitas's relationship, I think it's likely that, given his background, he was probably convinced those two were sleeping with each other, which is probably why he also figured Noé knew more about Vanitas than he does.

One thing that surprised me about this chapter was that we got to see Roland! Out of all the things I expected, I really didn't expect to learn that he and Misha met at some point. XD But this is an interesting connection, one that I feel like has to come up again at some point. We see that Roland is very good with children with a good sense of humor and a kind nature. We also see he was pretty heavily injured when Misha first met him.

I really have to wonder what happened to put Roland in such a sorry state....

Regardless, he assures Misha he will have a new home with lots of friends. But then Misha asks an odd question: Why did the chasseurs kill the vampire that killed his mother?

Roland is understandably confused and then horrified as Misha explains the vampire saved his mother.

And here we are, back to the question of "What is salvation?"

Misha says his mother became cruel to him and that she was always angry, but the vampire restored her smile and she seemed kind again. In other words, she died, but she was also restored, however briefly, to the mother Misha had missed for so long.

So, Vanitas and Misha both had their families killed by vampires. Vanitas's reaction is more what we might expect from that trauma: he distrusts vampires, maybe hates them, but he's also seen how awful humans are and has decided everyone is awful. We can assume that the death of Vanitas's family didn't restore any faith in vampires, that's for sure.

But for Misha, that wasn't the case. This vampire was clearly a cruel, horrible man, but Misha was already used to being around cruel, horrible people. That probably didn't register as all that different from the norm. But his mother's smile did, and so he views vampires fondly.

Basically, we're seeing two different reactions to somewhat similar trauma (the death of one's family) and different ways of treating vampires based off of it. Vanitas wants them to stay away from him unless he's the one with all the power and because he wants to maintain a sense of autonomy, he especially doesn't want an Archiviste drinking his blood. He threatened Noé with death if he ever attempted it. He keeps his secrets close and people far away.

Misha was raised in an environment where he was hardly keeping people away. He's used to being an open book--or at least pretending to be one--and so he embraces vampires and wants his past to be known because that's how he establishes power: by drawing people in. Misha sees an Archiviste's abilities as "useful" not "bad."

Anyway, Roland makes a comment about the vampires leading Misha's heart astray. I wonder if this is how Astolfo feels about Roland now? Hmm...

We briefly see Olivier as well, and he's just as beat up as Roland. Just what were these two doing? Also, someone says "my Lord," which I think was aimed at Olivier, and if so, that confirms my suspicions that he's of the aristocracy.

Misha is whisked away the second Roland's back is turned and he's given to Moreau who then places him in Vanitas's care. My guess is the next several chapters are going to be Misha's flashbacks before we return to the present day, which means it's going to be a bit before we hear from Vanitas and Jeanne.

My biggest question is, of course, how Vanitas will react to this scene. I can see it going a few ways. He could be appalled at what Misha has done and direct his anger at him. Or he might wonder if Noé was so eager to know his past he agreed to drink Misha's blood for that alone.

But in this case, it really has nothing to do with Vanitas; Noé is simply willing to do whatever it takes to save Dominique. Learning about Vanitas wasn't something he was remotely interested in in this scenario. Quite different from the norm!

Also, can Noé even trust the memories he sees from Misha? Are these memories "accurate" or are they distorted by Misha's own impressions? Furthermore, what will happen to Noé after being immersed in someone else's memories for so long? He can't fully remember Jean-Jacques's memories because it was all smashed together, but this is a very clear reading, possibly the deepest he's ever done. I don't know if he'll recover readily from this.

And when Vanitas gets there, how is he going to save Noé and Dominique? Will he freeze when he sees Misha? How powerful is this kid?

And then there's the mark on Misha's arm. It's on the opposite arm to Vanitas's, which makes me think the mark shows up wherever a vampire bites as opposed to having a set location. Another interesting thing about this mark is that he's missing part of his arm. In the flashback, Misha has both hands, so did he lose one because of Moreau? Or is this a result of being rewritten from using the book too much? There's a lot to consider there.

I'm very eager to see the next chapter. This is quite a clever way of giving us some backstory without having Noé betray Vanitas's trust. I'm curious to see how things continue and just how awful Moreau was. b>Edit: So, I completely forgot to make a couple of points. XD I'll just add them to the bottom.

I wanted to talk about Noé and how he's been bearing the brunt of the trauma of late and why that might be. I think at least some of it is to go against our expectations. Noé is a vampire, and generally speaking, vampires have the advantage in any story about them. They're stronger, practically immortal, and knowledgeable on account of their age. Noé is physically stronger than Vanitas, but he isn't immortal, and he's actually somewhat naive. This is already different from our expectation. But what's also different is Noé undergoing so much trauma.

Of course, I don't think Mochizuki is doing this just to mess with our expectations. I also think it's because Noé tends to be trusting and he tends to go into situations without proper warning from Vanitas. On several occasions now, Noé has criticized Vanitas for not stating things clearly (the Catacombs arc) and for not telling him vital information (the Gévaudan arc). And whenever Vanitas doesn't tell him something, Noé suffers for it. A few other examples: If Noé had known how little Vanitas trusts Ruthven, maybe he would have been more careful about going out to coffee with him. If he'd known Vanitas even had a brother and that he was dangerous, maybe he could have asked Vanitas for help first. If he'd known there was a second book he would have been radically more prepared for what faces him now.

I'm not trying to say all of this is Vanitas's fault because it isn't. Noé could be more careful in general and less trusting as well. But it definitely wouldn't have hurt for Vanitas to speak up sooner.

Another thing I wanted to touch on briefly is something I've talked about before, and that's how one of the themes of this series is consent and what that actually looks like. We have Vanitas and Jeanne where I think consent was dubious in their relationship, but then it transformed and is maybe more consensual now (their relationship is currently in flux). Then we see how Noé has had a lot of unwanted attention thrust on him from people like Ruthven, Chloé, and now Misha. I think that suggests that at some point, we're going to have to see him in a more stable, consensual relationship. Noé tends to brush things off; he let go of Chloé's treatment easily. But with this constant barrage, I feel like we're either going to see him snap or we're going to see him be more firm in his boundaries.

And then about his drinking Misha's blood: Will this finally heal his hand? I know I've been fixated on his chopped off hand for a while now, but it really drives me crazy. 8D

Okay, I think I've covered everything I meant to now. There was a lot to think about with this chapter.

#vanitas no carte #vnc spoilers #vnc meta #Bemused's post

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natromanxoff · 4 years ago

Text

I wasn’t sure about posting this at first but as it is already shared publicly and I have come across with it on Pinterest, I decided that it would be okay. So here is a story of a fan about Jim Hutton:

“ON 23rd of March, there was a Queen Tribute band concert in Goresbridge and my boyfriend told me that Jim would come as well. He admitted that he had arranged with Stephen for Jim to come along. The concert was in the pub called The Spirit Store. What a great name for spiritual meeting, I thought. When I entered, Jim sat at the table with Stephen, Jascqueline, her sister Valeria and other family friends. There was nowhere to sit, so we just stood by the table for a while. When I looked at Jim, he appeared somewhat fragile and tiny, like a man who could easily be overlooked. He didn´t look anything like those photos portraying him in the books.

After a while, there was a free seat by the table and everyone, including Jim, moved in order for us to sit down. It was just one place and my friend Mike wanted to take it. He got up fast but they all stopped him. Jim measured Mike up and down and told him, "Perhaps you should let the lady sit here, you cavalier!" Embarassed, Mike got up from his chair and offered it to me. I got the honorable place alongside Jim. Being a woman sometimes has its advantages! Jim welcomed me with heartfelt "Hi". At first I was nervous, but after a while I felt relaxed and enjoyed Jim's company. I was aware of his behavior, gestures, laughter, and tried to absorb his energy all at once. It was easy to talk to him about anything and everything.

I wanted to know the man Freddie loved so much, so I guess I started giving him many questions.

"Jim, are you still in touch with Phoebe?" Jim looked at me closely and began to talk to me with interest. "I haven´t really been talking to him for a long time. I know he had a hotel in Dubai, then he sold it, and he's in Prague now. He also bought something overthere and I think he's going to settle down there." When I heard about Prague, I jumped up excitedly and told him that I was from there. He smiled a little, though the coincidence like this didn´t overwhelm him as much as me.

He relished glass of Budwaiser and smoked Ultra light Silk Cuts. He offered me one and lit it up for me like a real gentleman. It seemed he wanted to continue talking. We both made fun of the ultralight effect of his cigarettes, which would probably piss off every orthodox smoker, Freddie for sure! He then demonstrated jokingly, how to properly smoke them. He inhaled all the smoke by sucking in his cheeks and widening his eyes, as if he should soon burst like an inflated toad. None of us resisted and we both burst into a mad laughter. I told him about my visit to Munich and meeting Barbara. He smiled and listened, then he rolled his eyes up to heaven and stated that she is one hell of a crazy woman. I totally agreed, and added, that also alcoholic one. It was surreal to talk about mutual aquaintances together, people we both knew. I also mentioned my visit to New York club and I could see how he returns nostalgically into his memories. Then I also tried to make him remember my friend Allison, who told me about him in the first place.

"About nine years ago she visited you in London". He couldn´t remember and admitted, that since then a lot of people have passed through his life and many of them he never saw again.

I continued. "She showed me several of your photos and in one of them you were holding Freddie's portrait that you bought at the auction". Suddenly he jumped up and said he knew whom I mean.

I showed him my miniature box containing a stone and talked about it with almost patriotic pride. "It's a stone from Logan Mews that I had to dig out from under the threshold of his house, because there was nothing else to take." Jim laughed out loud, this time without any hindrance and doubt that I was totally crazy. I also laughed because I knew I sound like nuts. He remarked with smile from ear to ear that I was pretty crazy. "Yeah, I'm crazy, and I'm proud to be. Who isn´t...and by the way.....why not?" I smiled at what I just said, because that´s what Freddie would say, to defend himself. Jim then talked about the medallion that Freddie had given him for his birthday. He said, there were three miniature pictures inside. "The first is that of Miko ", he said gently, looking up at me to make sure I knew who he was talking about. "In the other one is Freddie" ... he continued with kind of fervor and love. Something deep inside me shivered. "In the third one," ... he didn´t answer yet, when I jumped into his monologue ...."Tiffany," I blurted out.

"My mom's photo," he finished his sentence. (and I prayed he didn´t register my answer).

It was nice to hear him remembering like that. He opened up in front of me the way I never dreamt of. I think it was nice for him to share these beautiful moments and to talk about things that meant so much to him. "This rock is my good luck charm. I have been listening to Queen since I´m twelve and I also work in the Fan Club's office. We celebrate his anniversary every year. When I went here, I was kidding with my friends that I might meet Jim Hutton in Ireland... and here you are, sitting right next to me. That´s my dream come true", I said all emotional.

"How do you know Stephen?", he inquired after while.

"I go out with Vinnie and they are good friends" He eyed my boyfriend and indicated that he knew who he was.

"I was annoying the two of them and was constantly asking them to bring you", I smiled.

"Oh, Jacqueline wanted me to come, alright" Jim smiled at the thought. Then he talked about the music talent competition, in which they were selecting the best imitators of Queen.

"What music are you actually listening to?" I wondered.

"I have no favorite, I'm listening to almost everything. Even a radio".

"And do you still have Zig and Zag?"

He only sighed and said in a sad voice that they had both died since then.

"And do you have any other cats?"

"Yeah, I have seven others now," Jim smiled. This number didn´t surprise me. The old habits are hard to kill.

"Do you still keep up the gardening, Jim?"

"Constantly," he said with a loving smile and amusedly showed me his hands dirty from the clay and covered in sores. For God's sake, he must have been gardening a few minutes before going to a concert!, I thought to myself. A complete garden maniac.....

We were joking on the account of the band that was supposed to start playing long time ago, but somehow did not. He told me it would be nice to get drunk, so we didn´t know how terrible they were. That really made me crack up. He could be so funny.

He joked and emphasized to everyone around the table, that instead of a concert he could have been at home watching his favorite movie. In the same breath, he admitted that he was curious about their performance and that he hadn´t been out in ages.

He leaned over to me and confessed, that now he lived a life completely cut off from the rest of the world.

"We are basically the same, I am basically like him. Now I just enjoy loneliness and privacy. I don´t go out anywhere except my garden". I immediately knew whom he was referring to in his speech.

I said that I had discovered his house in Palatine and apologized when I saw his slightly concerned look. I said I was just little curious.

He then recalled a few of his encounters with the fans. One day there was an unknown car with a couple of strangers that arrived to his house. They came all way from Vienna and they found him by questioning people in a town! Not a hard thing to trace him, he said, as every cab driver in the area knows him pretty well. One local newspaper even published a photo of his house, and although they gave a wrong address, a lot of people had found him.

That made me laugh, because I knew what it means to be a devoted fan.

"On the other hand, it's nice to know that someone is constantly looking after you and giving you the feeling that all this is still alive," I added with a smile.

"Jim, do you still have your Volvo?"

"You mean the one that Freddie gave me?.....No, I don´t have it few years now, I´ve swapped it for a new one," he smiled.

He was all too gallant all the time, always lighting my cigarette.

He also wondered how long I would stay in Ireland, so I said that only another half a year.

"And you wanna come back here?" He asked suddenly.

"Oh, I'd love to. I'm trying to find a job either in Carlow or Kilkenny," I said enthusiastically.

Then I fell silent, looked at him and assured him "Definitely."

Each time he looked up into my eyes, I saw an incredibly nice person in front of me. Something in his silent expression suggested that he had suffered great deal of pain in life, but that he was now completely reconciled with his fate. Still, in his eyes shone a spark of unrelenting humor. In his company I forgot all about the world. I was happy to be able to make such an affluent and warm contact with him. The longer we knew each other, the closer we were.

When he wanted to go to the toilet, Stephen told him that the men's toilets were behind the bar and the ladies in front of the bar. It sounded like he wasn´t quite sure which one would Jim prefer.

But Jim didn´t care much and set off to the men's. I admit it made me laugh a little.

Then we continued our dialogue. I mentioned that I read both his and Phoebe's book, but that I couldn´t find his book anywhere in the stores. He confirmed that it´s out of print at the minute.

When I told him that I had stolen his book at the local library, he laughed and said that I should have asked him and he would have given me a copy, but he only had Italian version.

Finally, the band started to play. Everyone in the pub stood up and whole lot of us - as we were tucked in at the back, climbed onto the window ledges. I stood next to Jim, who remained seated.

He looked a little bit run over. I knew he was surrounded by the loneliness and I watched him with sadness. I lacked much power or words to comfort him. It was only after some wonderful songs that we both joined and got up. He could not remain sad in such a loving and friendly company for ever.

When he noticed the enormous, life-vibrant energy that only Queen music could produce in conjunction with a crowd of people singing, I think he forgot his personal pain. I could see pride in his face. He stood up and watched the band. Then he addressed me and made me come up onto the ledge above him to see better. I would not listen to anybody else, but from him it didn´t sound like an order. He wanted me to get the most out of it and it pleased me. Then we sat back and drank. Jim seemed to be getting cheerful and livelier. The more he drank, the more cheerful he was. The guys ordered him Red Bull with vodka. When I asked him if it was vodka, he claimed it was white lemonade! He put a warm glass of "vodka" on my hand, so I almost jumped out of my skin, which he thought was terribly funny.

Whatever he did, he looked at me as though I was the only person who knew what was behind his looks. His faces and funny grimaces reminded me of Freddie. He had a lot of subconsciously inherited poses and gestures from him. Even in his laughter I could detect an influence of Freddie's strong personality. He simply marked all people around him. It was not the same contagious and stormy laugh, but there was a spark of resemblance.

His niece Jacqueline, Valerie and Stephen, danced all the time on the ledge and Jim was pulling them and wrapping himself in between their legs, hugging them, clinging to them, and messing around like a little boy. It was a wonderful sight, as he was so happy and childish.

After some time, Jim lost himself in a crowd of concert goers, so I went to look for him. Without his company it felt such a sad place. It was as if he had fallen through the ground, which made me very nervous. Finally, I found him by the entrance table, where he was joking away with one old blonde, not too different from frivolous Barbara Valentin. I asked him for a photo together. At first he looked impenetrable but as soon as I threw a sad eye and smirked, he brightened up and agreed as if saying "You know you can, anything for you, darling"

His niece Valerie took our picture. He then whispered to me that he hopes I´ll send him some pictures later.

After that he announced that we are going back inside to listen to the band.

I saw them from close-up and I must say that it was much better to just hear them. They looked rather too comic with all their wigs. It was something that would make Freddie laugh too.

I told Jim that they don´t look very natural,which he agreed with, but he said he couldn´t complain about their music. He was totally right, because musically they weren´t bad and the singer had a very authentic voice.

Inside, everybody was dancing and Jim joined in and circled around them like a rogalo.

The whole pub vibrated with intense and loving energy. There was no one who would be bored. Jim then threw himself in the arms of his two nieces, who gently caressed him in his hair and embraced him. He let them take care of him, now vulnerable like a little lost child all of a sudden.

There was something deeply touching about it. He had closed his eyes and sadly lowered his head, as if his tears flowed deep inside, in his invisible world. I realized at this stage, how much he really loved Freddie. I was looking at him and I had a desire to caress him and comfort him but instead, I had to stand aside.

"You can have everything and yet feel alone", Freddie once said. But I was glad Jim had his family and friends around him, who cared and protected him. Jim was going through sorrow and joy,both at the same time, it seemed.

During one of his many shananigans, I caught him messing around with his niece's boyfriend.

He sat him on his knees and imitated sexual intercourse. It would seem offensive and utterly crazy to someone who didn´t know him. But we all did. Jim was laughing like crazy and when he finally looked at me, he seemed a little embarrassed by his behavior and gave me a look that said"I hope you won´t tell on me to Freddie"...but it was hard to take him seriously.

We both smiled conspiratorially at each other. In that sense, our relationship no matter how short-lived, was special. We understood one another in thoughts. He winked at me a couple of times, tapping my beer like an old buddy.

In one moment in particular, Jim leaned over me and whispered: "You as a fan have right to be crazy, but them" ... pointing at our dancing group of friends ... " they are fucked up", he said with smile and he began to knock his finger against his forehead. An international gesture that doesn´t need an interpreter!

Jim then went to the toilets for a while, and I, like a stray sheep, followed him through crowds of oblivious dancers. He was somewhat drunk at that time and barely retained a balance. He staggered a little like a broken tree. No surprise after god knows how many Red bulls and vodkas! I was bit afraid for him, so I supported him inconspicuously by both shoulders from behind. He went to the toilet and cared too little to even close the door behind him. If anyone was looking, he would see Jim Hutton pissing in a toilet bowl in his bright canary shirt.

At that moment they played the most touching song of all, These are the Days of our lives .... I stood by the door and listened, watching the band and waited for Jim. I don´t know why, perhaps because of the fate that brought me here, I suddenly felt terrible sorrow. I was sorry for Freddie and Jim. Tears poured into my eyes. I didn´t cry, but was very close to it. Jim suddenly appeared next to me and noticed my face. "What about those tears? I hope you don´t cry", but at this stage I was lost for words. His concern made me sad even more. Something inside me forced me to caress him. I hugged him gently around his neck and put my head on his shoulder for a moment. I wanted to let him know that I am very sorry about what happened to Freddie. He did not resist. He knew he wasn´t the only one in the world who was missing him. I looked into his eyes, and I told him a sentence that I didn´t know why I said, but I strongly felt it..."Jim, he's here, he IS here." His expression was rather confused at first. "Do you believe me?" ... I said this with a seriousness and a certain degree of self-assurance that he froze for a while. He looked thoughtful. He knew what I was talking about.

I seemed to only confirm his inner conviction. He didn´t say a word. He wiped my tear away with the edge of his hand and without warning, took me firmly by the hand and led me through crowds back to our friends. There was a lot of care and love in his touch. The music was just playing and Freddie just sang "I still love you" and I knew he did.

I didn´t want to leave, but I knew I said everything I needed to. I could not leave without saying goodbye. It would be a sin after all this to just disappear into eternity. I interrupted him from the conversation with someone else, leaned over the table and said, "Jim, I'm leaving now, so I want to say goodbye, it was great pleasure meeting you." I smiled as much as my heart allowed me to and shook his hand. He stared up and thought for a moment, and then, without any hesitance said, "We do not see each other for the last time." I didn´t know at this time how true his words were.

I thought I did not understand well, so I asked again, "sorry?" and he repeated patiently and more resolutely, "I shall surely see you again," while taking my hand into his hands and kissing it gently.

He left me in amazement. I stumbled out from there perplexed but still I could hear him talking about me to someone there. He probably said he hadn´t seen a bigger nutcase in a long time, assuming from his cute teddybear smile. Gosh I loved him so much!

The next day I learned from my friends that Jim was looking next morning for his jacket that he had forgotten in his car. Few days later, I've sent him the promised photographs. Jacquie confirmed that he called in to say he had received them allright.”

2001

“...And then I returned back to Ireland in 2004.

I had the opportunity to welcome Jim to my own home in Carlow sometime in 2006. He was Stephen´s surprise. When the door opened up, I didn´t see him at first.

Then his head popped out from the side of the door and with a laugh he emerged a bit later. He hugged me like we hadn´t seen each other for million years. What I felt at that moment was indescripable. My dear Jim back in my life and in my own house!

We all sat in the living room, Jim settled down on the sofa, I was sitting on the ground and absorbed the precious moments because I knew time spent with him was only borrowed time. Then we watched Queen videos and talked about Freddie as if he were in the next room. It was so surreal. Me and Jim agreed that our favorite video was Scandal, and he just added that Freddie didn´t like it very much because he couldn´t make any creative input in it, although he loved the song.

Then we talked about his illness, about him taking up to 40 pills a day to sustain his health and he also explained the difference between AIDS and HIV, as many people still didn´t know. We have talked so much and - above all - we laughed all night, almost at everything. It was so easy to succumb to his funny personality once again and to his heartfelt laughter. He made jokes about fancying my ex-boyfriend, whom he lied on top of on the sofa. Long time ago, I´ve sent him a letter explaining to him how Freddie has impacted my life. But I've forgotten I´ve ever written it and now I was faced with the horror that I actually have sent it. I hoped he has forgotten about it, but when Jim and I met in the corridor of our house, I couldn´t but apologize to him for that letter, and for being so daring. To my surprise, he looked at me softly with his tired eyes and assured me that my letter was absolutely fascinating. Then we were interrupted by Stephen, who was just leaving a toilet and the conversation was cut short at that point. Unfortunatelly I would never have the chance to find out what was the next thing he was about to say, because I noticed he wanted to continue, if he weren´t interrupted.

When we were saying goodbye at the door, he treated me as an old friend. He simply kissed me on the lips, which utterly shocked me and made me laugh at the same time.

He invited us back to his house to have a little party, but my ex-boyfriend was not in the perfect mood and so we politely declined, which I will forever regret!

About a year after that I bumped into Jim several times in the city where we both lived, or we exchanged text messages whenever I needed to advise what room flowers would be best for our new house. Sometimes I learnt about how he´s doing through my ex-boyfriend, who used to hang out with him and drink few pints in a night bar. Once my ex confessed how Jim told him that I was a great person and he should be happy to have me. They must have been talking about me!!!!

Then I met Jim one night in the nightclub, where he was with his friends. He spent most of his time sitting in the lounge smoking a cigarette, having fun with younger girls. Wherever he was, you heard his laughter. That night my ex-boyfriend arranged for Jim and me to have a dance together.

Jim was just dancing on the dancefloor with some older woman. I remember he had his jumper tied around his waist. I just got onto the dancefloor, he looked at me all serious and pulled me close to him. It was some tediously slow song that I can´t even remember, I just know that we were staggering from side to side like two handiccaped penguins and that made me laugh hysterically.

He was such a clown! Now, however, I consider this moment as one of the most precious memories of him. It was my night.

Back in 2009, I have learned that Jim was diagnosed with cancer. My ex-boyfriend told me how concerned Jim was when informing him. He said, he wept. At that time I didn´t know how serious the situation was and I hoped Jim will get better in no time. I believed the doctors would somehow help him out of it. I saw him a little later at work when he came to our restaurant for breakfast.

I almost served him as another customer, but when I realized it was him, I pulled myself back into the kitchen and let the other girls serve him. He never noticed. I was in such state of shock. I didn´t know what to do, how to act and what to say. He was so thin, just skin and bone. His face was sinking, his eyes full of pain, a small tube leading from his nose to the oxygen device he carried in his backpack and a small canvas hat on his head. I couldn´t believe this was Jim, whom I have remembered being so full of life and joy only half a year ago. I wanted to cry like never before. I also felt embarassed by my own cowardly reaction. I wished more than anything in my life to hug him and say I loved him. I wanted to wish him a happy Christmas. But I was scared of my own tears, which would not help him in his situation.

I wrote him a message on the phone, but he didn´t respond. And then I got the terrible news. Jim died and somehow I also missed his funeral. I took a first taxi and went at least to his months Mass and visited his grave, bringing him daffodils and little white lantern with candle. It was so hard for me. His relatives stood above his grave. I said my prayers in a minute of silence. The air didn´t move and the moon was full in the night sky. It was dark and cold all around but I didn´t care.

I wanted to see him laugh and mess around like he used to. It was as if another star had disappeared and fell to the earth. If only life could last forever.”

2006-2010

Credits to Seraphiel’s blog. Please don’t repost without credits.

#jim hutton

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fencesandfrogs · 4 years ago

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gathering times.

part of my broader lore series.

i’m breaking from my usual lore narration style for a moment to discuss: how cats know when to gather (because it bothers me).

anyway, i haven't seen any other lore about this, so i'd like to say that explicitly, anyone is welcome to use this if they like it. if you want to use the folklore parts (e.g., the story in "full moon.") please credit me somehow, but otherwise idgaf. (a CC0-1.0 liscence, if you are a nerd. if you're not, it's what i just said.)

section one: tracking the moon

so i have this tiny lore thing where so the cats. track the moon as starclan adding claws to the moon and taking them away. so we have four claws to mess with:

no claws: new moon

one claw: waxing cresent

two claws: half moon

three claws: waxing gibbous

four claws: full moon

but cats usually count these in terms of one claw away from new/half/full, like how people used to call november 20th 10 days from december.

also, since only new and full moons matter for most cats, most cats wouldn't think about the waning moon. hence why it's described as starclan clawing at the moon, because they don't care about the precision.

this is also somewhat decoupled from the idea of a half/quarter moon as a unit of time: cats aren't using this to track time (e.g., one claw to three claws), just as a method of measuring where in the moon they are. i'm not sure if this makes sense, i guess it's kind of like saying "monday" tells you where in the week you are, and saying "third week" says where in the month you are, but you wouldn't say "from second week to fourth week," you'd say the dates or be more specific.

look, cats track time differntly. we're going to talk about when first and why second.

section two: full moons

The leaders discussed this, and they agreed. From then on, they would meet the night after the moon had all its claws, and there were no more debates about when the gathering would be.

(full moon.)

yeah so basically i was so angry that warrior cats act like the moon is either new, half, or full i wrote 1k words of folklore about why that is. that will either be published or publishing soon, so i'm not going to recap it.

basically, the full moon is considered to start when the moon is a whisker's length from full (basically, the first night you can't see that the moon hasn't finished), and that day is the holy day for clans who celebrate like that.

the next day is the gathering.

the third day is the medicine cats' half moon meeting (we're getting to them).

mind, i'm still doing a lot of handwaving here, but i do have a limit to how realistic i demand my fantasy cat novels be.

section three: half moons

There was no celebrations to be had on half moon, and the camp was mostly quiet. Moonrise was coming soon, and Dovepaw could see Willowshine and Mothwing climbing the rocks. Jayfeather greets them, doesn’t ask where she is.

(feathers take flight --- footprints)

so basically half moon is when a whisker could be laid straight on the moon. this is still kind of vague, but let's say starclan intervenes.

i honestly can't come up with a better explanation of how they all agree, so at least this is a definition. the half moon is such a vague term like.

anyway.

section four: new moons

“Won’t everyone be asleep?” she asks, and Willowshine’s eyes glitter.

“On the night of the sleeping moon? I hope they’re not done.”

Dovepaw doesn’t know what that means. But she enters the camp, still alive, apprentices sharing fish, flower petals scattered, and she almost does.

(feathers take flight --- footprints)

okay, this is the one that i think is hardest to tell is ambigious. because you might be thinking "new moon is when there is no moon" but this has the same problem as full moon.

luckily, only medicine cats gather on the new moon. so clans can celebrate whenever.

anyway, internet says people can see a moon at anywhere from 1% to 10% as illuminated, and cats have better night vision, and you get about 3 days in the 0% to 5% range, so i'm not really sure what to derive from this.

i mean there are cycles with a new moon and a 0% moon on either side.

anyway, i'm going to say that cats call it the new moon when it's 0% or new. the first day is always the new moon. we're also going to say their vision is good enough that there's no conflict.

(how is this different from the full moon? its a pyschology thing about complete/empty. a cup isn't empty unless there's nothing in it, but it can be full with not very much in it, even if you're holding out for a full cup. also, stop asking difficult questions. i cover this in "full moon." where the answer is basically the same as this one but with better lore.)

section five: medicine cats meet every half moon

“He’s right,” Willowshine says. “Mothwing made me a medicine cat on a second whisker night, and I swear the clan slept ‘til sunhigh.”

(feathers take flight --- riverbed)

so uhh i've never understood what it means that medicine cats meet for the half moon. in older books, it's called a half moon meeting, which implies that it doesn't occur on the new moon or the full moon. but in moth flight's vision i swear they say they'll meet every half moon which is an established unit of time in canon.

so. do they meet every quarter moon or every half moon.

i've gone with every quarter moon. why? the following:

it means i can let cats stay home now and then.

it makes more sense. if you know much about human medicine, rounds/grand rounds (which are a similar vibe with less religion) happen every day to every month, depending on the scale of the encounter. i think meeting every quarter moon makes more sense because they're constantly talking about getting advice from each other, and it would be so much easier to just have jayfeather ask for littlecloud's help at the next half moon meeting than running over, since that's what the point of the meeting is.

i want to.

anyway, new moons for clans and medicine cats can get desynched. kind of like geographic north/magnetic north, and human months vs the lunar cycle. it's not super common, but it does happen and no one really cares.

they meet on a second-whisker night for the full moon. that's basically, okay, in "full moon." i say

"No," said Briarleap. "But when the moon has all its claws, there is always a time where the moon is a whisker's length from fullness. We ought not to waste our energy gathering when the moon isn't full. So the clans must gather the moonrise after the last claw is returned."

and the understanding is, the "last claw" night briarleap is talking about is called "first-whisker night" that's the holy night.

first whisker is the night they meet. because it's supposed to be properly full but sometimes there's a whisker.

and second whisker is the next night, when medicine cats meet.

yes, that does mean any clans that celebrate the full moon have exhausted medicine cats near full moon. this is why meetings are every quarter moon. so they can stay home for a meeting without missing a major important time.

alright, i believe that's all i have for this. as a fun bonus, i have some consistent warrior/medicine cat training timelines.

The typical medicine cat training period is four seasons, although after the first two to three, they are usually alloted a good amount of autonomy.

...

There’s no vigil for medicine cats. They have trained for four seasons, seen the clan at its best and worst, and have already chosen to sacrifice much of a warrior life for the good of their clan. If Willowshine decides to make Dovepaw a full medicine cat, the clan will feast in her honor that night.

(feathers take flight --- riverbed)

the implication here is that warriors train for two seasons, which is why medicine cats are given more authority around then. in riverclan, that's when they move into the medicine cat's den, because their denmates are moving into the warriors den. not always, though:

“Am I going to be all alone when Troutpaw and Rushpaw and Mossypaw become warriors?” she asks. Dovepaw has never slept alone.

(Jayfeather, alone in his den.)

“I don’t think so,” Willowshine says. “They might stay in with you until Fernstream’s kits become apprentices, or you could sleep in the medicine den. You’re always welcome.”

(feathers take flight --- riverbed)

(fernstream is an invention bc riverclan doesn't have any queens they don't age it's a problem i need to redo their allegiances for FTF.)

anyway yeah that's a different story tho.

finally, take these cute words from mistystar to dovepaw:

“Then I make Dovepaw kin, and say she is born from River, as we all are. And I trust her training to Willowshine, and Starclan, to guide her paws.”

(feathers take flight --- riverbed)

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yandere-daze · 4 years ago

Note

62,30, 6 with doppio

Yes!!! Of course!! Thank you for requesting the boy!! I was so happy to get a request for him!! <3

62. “ You want to see your friends? They aren’t worthy of your kindness.”

30. “ Only you can make me feel alive.”

6. “Please don’t ever leave me!”

Yandere! Doppio with prompts 62, 30 and 6

Small rays of sunshine were streaming through the closed blinds, illuminating the otherwise completely dark room. It was still early morning but your eyes hurt from the light they were attacked by. They weren´t used to it anymore, not after months of being in the same stuffy and cramped room. As you shielded your eyes with your right hand you slowly scanned the bedroom for any sign of life. After carefully looking around for what must have been several minutes you let out a shaky sigh of relief, your shoulders slightly sagging as the weight of apprehension fell from them. You weren´t being paranoid, you reasoned with yourself, there was a reason for your fear. A reason why you were so on edge all the time. And as if fate was trying to play a cruel trick on you, right at that moment you heard a soft knock on the door as a gentle voice called out to you.

“Y/n darling are you awake? I made you breakfast!” The person on the other side of the door, seemingly not patient enough to wait for an answer to their question, promptly pushed open the door so their whole form was revealed. You were greeted by the sight of a man you knew all too well. Pink hair and eager hazel eyes that were directed right at you, widening by just a tiny amount as they settled onto your awake form as a grin spread across his face. “Ah y/n! I hope you slept well. You seemed kind of upset yesterday so I thought I could make it up to you!”, he exclaimed while stepping closer and balancing a tray with a wide range of breakfast items on top of it.

Doppio was your boyfriend of several months and you had really loved him a lot. He was willing to give you as much love and attention as you could have ever hoped for, always being so gentle and comforting to you. And you had to admit, for some time you really enjoyed all of the attention you were getting from him, it´s wasn´t something you were used to and it felt nice to see someone care so much about you. Your boyfriend always wanted to be close to you, peppering your face in soft kisses while holding you close, comforting you when more and more friends of yours started to push you away. You felt so utterly hopeless in these moments, wanting to know what you did wrong, just wanting to see them again and joke around like you always did. Doppio had always reassured you when you had these self-doubts, whispering in your ear how he´s so lucky to have you by his side, how they were missing out and never truly appreciated you like he did. He loved you so much more than they ever could, his love for you ran so deep it started to consume his entire being.

“You want to see your friends? They aren’t worthy of your kindness. They aren´t treating you right. They were so quick to abandon you, can you really call them your friends?”, he whispered into your ear, his words feeding poison to your mind. “But don´t worry tesoro,” he looked you directly in the eye while his tone of voice shifted a bit again, “I would never abandon you! I love you so much! I think of you every waking moment and you appear in my dreams when I´m asleep. You´re so wonderful and I can´t believe how lucky I am to have you. You wouldn´t leave me either, would you?”

Back then you didn´t realize the true consequences to your words. Back then you doomed yourself, you altered your fate into a state of no return. When you promised him you would never leave him on that fateful cold winter evening, you sold yourself to the devil. Because he kept your promise so close to his heart, just as close as when he pulled you into his arms, holding on so tight after you let the words leave your mouth, pressing you against his chest. His eyes widened significantly, an odd expression appearing on his face, looking somewhere between extremely lovesick and extremely content. You had never seen that sort of look cross Doppio´s face before and you didn´t know what to think of it as he kept whispering words of affection and love into your ear, muttering how you´re the one for him, how he´s so glad that you agreed to be his, how it made everything so much easier. How glad he feels, knowing that you are his, his, his.

“Please don´t ever leave me darling! My heart wouldn´t be able to handle the heartbreak!” He then looked directly into your eyes, his grin stretching even further as his grip on your shoulders tightened, lightly shaking you back and forth in what seemed to be excitement of some sorts. “But you wouldn´t think of that, right? You would never leave me, right? You love me way too much! Nothing could ever come between our love. No one can separate us. I won´t let them. Do you remember these people that called themselves your friends? They said I wasn´t good for you, that I was too clingy, too possessive but what do they know? Nothing that´s what! So, I took care of them! They won´t interrupt us anymore, isn´t that lovely darling?”

“D-doppio what are you talking about? You´re starting to scare me, please calm down! And what happened to my friends?”, you were starting to shake in uncertainty now. The loving boyfriend you once knew sounded more and more deranged by the second. Despite your former promise of never wanting to leave him, you now wanted to leave more than ever before. This wasn´t the same person anymore, something was wrong.

“I´m scaring you? Oh no y/n, there´s nothing to be scared of! I just made sure that nothing could get between our love, we´re safe now. You´re safe here. Only you can make me feel alive so I won´t let anyone take you away!”

“You´re mine! Mine you hear that?! So please don´t ever think of leaving me, you can´t!”

“Y/n are you listening to me? Y/n? Your coffee is growing cold.”

You snapped out of your thoughts to see Doppio staring at you worriedly while nudging a mug towards you. “S-sorry about that”, you stuttered and gently took the mug from his hand, lifting it towards your face and inhaling the comforting aroma.

“Geez y/n, you´ve been spacing out more and more, is everything okay? Are you not getting enough sleep? I´m starting to get worried.” With a concerned gaze he drew closer and promptly set beside you on the bed, getting the long metal chain connected to your foot out of the way in one swift motion. “You know you can tell me anything right?”, he leaned down and kissed the elegant ring on your finger in what you assumed must have been meant to be a comforting gesture. It was a very beautiful right you had to begrudgingly admit, the golden material and the bright emerald green gems that decorated it harmonized perfectly.

“I will do whatever it takes to make you happy tesoro, to keep you with me. So just say the word and I´d get rid of anyone that would try to keep us apart!”

“I love you so much”

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whatdidimissjm · 4 years ago

Text

With Only the Memories of When You were Mine

This is for day 25 of Hamcember - Tradition and omg I loved writing this! This is another collab with @gagakuma and I´ll leave a link of her art here once she posts it! Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it and happy holidays to everyone else! I hope you all have wonderful days, even though this year hasn´t been the greatest. I´m very grateful for everyone who reads my stories and it means the world to me, so thank you!

Alex can´t really remember how their fight started, even though this has only been about three hours ago, maybe less. He just knows how it ended: with Thomas slamming the front door shut, leaving him alone in their house. Alex had waited for him to return, frozen in place, until he had to admit that Thomas wouldn´t come back. The realisation had filled him with dread and without thinking he ran to the front door, throwing it open and running out onto the street, but obviously there was no sign of Thomas. Alex felt his eyes fill with tears as he went back up to the house, and as the door fell shut behind him, he couldn´t help but think that this was it. He finally fucked up enough for it to be over. The thought caused him to let out a sob, his legs suddenly giving in and then he was lying on the floor, pathetically crying. Alex doesn´t know how long he spent there, until he managed to drag himself to their bedroom, where he sat down on the bed, staring at the picture of the two of them on the wall. It became blurry as his eyes filled with tears again and after a moment, he let himself fall back, curling into a ball, while sobs shook his body. When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was the Christmas sweater Thomas got for him and he felt his insides turn cold as he remembered what day it was. They were supposed to have their annual Christmas pictures taken, a tradition they started even before they became a couple. It took all of Alexander´s strength to get up and walk over to their shelf, where they kept their photo album with all their Christmas pictures.

Now Alex is sitting on the bed with the book in his lap and tears still streaming down his face, desperately trying to remember why they even had that fight in the first place, but he comes up empty. He wipes the tears away with the back of his hand and takes a deep breath, before opening the photo album with trembling fingers.

The first picture shows Thomas and Alex in their last year of high school, the year they became friends, but still before they got together. It´s a polaroid Laf took of them at their school´s Christmas party and even though it´s a bit burry, and the lightning isn´t great, it´s one of Alex´s favourite pictures of them. He gently traces the edge of it, a small smile on his face as he thinks back to that time.

Alex turns the page, and the next picture is them kissing underneath a mistletoe at their university. He doesn´t remember who took it, but it doesn´t really matter. It was one of their first pictures together after they´ve become a couple and Alex can´t help but wish to go back in time and just start all over again.

He has to take a moment, before he is able to turn the page, because he has started crying again, the fear that this is all over filling up his head once again. His hand is trembling even worse as he turns the page, looking down at the picture of their first Christmas together at the house of Thomas´ parents. They are standing in front of a Christmas tree and the picture looks a bit forced and Alex remembers how awkward it was, but they still look happy.

Alex is still flipping through the pages of the photo album, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, when there is a knocking on the door. He freezes, his heart beating loud and fast in his chest and for a moment, he doesn´t manage to make any sound.

“Come in.”, he finally says, his voice raw and a bit husky.

Alex doesn´t know if he should be happy or afraid, when he sees Thomas standing in the door, his eyes red and swollen as well. Normally he can read his boyfriend like an open book, but today, as he needs it most, he can´t tell what the other man is thinking.

“Thomas-“, Alex starts, even though he doesn´t know what to say exactly. He just knows he has to apologize, has to make this right, before there is nothing left for him to fix.

“The photographer is here.”, Thomas says, interrupting him. “We´ll talk later. Get ready for the picture, okay?”

Before Alex can say anything else, Thomas has closed the door behind him, and Alex is left alone again. He can feel panic spreading through him, the realisation that he might actually lose Thomas forever, that this will be their last Christmas picture together, hitting him hard. Alex struggles to breath for a moment, sure that losing Thomas will actually kill him.

Alex shakes his head and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. There is still time to fix this. They´ll have their picture taken and maybe that will help remind them of how much they´ve gone through together. Alex takes another deep breath and gets up from the bed, walking over to the mirror on the wall, looking at himself. He looks horrible, just like he feels. His skin is pale, his eyes are bloodshot and there are tear tracks on his face. He lets out a sigh and walks into the bathroom, washing his face and pulling his hear into a ponytail. He tries out a smile, but it looks fake and doesn´t reach his eyes, so Alex gives up and walks back into the bedroom, where he pulls the Christmas sweater over his head.

Alex feels sick with anxiety, as he walks down the hallway to the living room, where he hears Thomas talking with the photographer. He hesitates a moment, before he opens the door and walks into the room, giving the woman a weak smile.

“This is Alex Hamilton, my boyfriend.”, Thomas introduces him.

The words “my boyfriend” feel like a stab directly into Alex´s heart, and he has to do his best to keep smiling and not break down into tears.

“Hi.”, he says to the photographer. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I´m Theo Bartow.”

They exchange a few pleasantries, but Alex can´t help sneaking glances at Thomas, his heart aching for things to go back the way they were before the fight.

“So you want the picture taken in front of the Christmas tree?”, Theo asks finally, releasing Alex from this hell.

“Yes, that would be perfect.”, Thomas answers, while Alex just nods.

They walk over to the tree and stand next to each other, but with a visible gap between them.

“Thomas, could you wrap your arm around Alex and Alex could you place your hand on Thomas´ chest?”, Theo instructs them, and Alex can feel his throat closing again.

He flinches a bit as Thomas touches him, but hurries to get into the position Theo had requested. His heart is beating fast in his chest and he hopes Thomas can´t feel it.

“Looks great.”, she informs them. “Now smile.”

Alex does his best to make his smile believable, as the woman takes a picture. After looking at it for a moment, she adjusts the light. She takes a few more pictures, before she has them change positions. This time they are simply standing next to each other, with Thomas´ arm around Alex´ waist, both smiling at the camera.

Usually Alex loves those photoshoots, as cheesy as they are, but today it´s torture. He endures it though, as Theo requests different positions for them, until she suggests that Thomas should pick Alex up bridal style.

“I think we´re good.”, he says quietly. “I´m sure you´ve got some amazing pictures.”

“Oh, okay, sure. We can end this here. I´ll mail you the pictures once I´m back at the office and you can choose the ones you want me to work on.”

Alex nods and they talk for a bit, while Theo packs up her equipment. After she is done, they walk her to the front door and say their thanks. As soon as the door closes behind her, the anxiety from before comes back full force, and Alex feels himself starting to tremble. He feels sick.

“I´ll head to the bathroom real quick.”, he informs Thomas, not waiting for a reply.

Once he reaches the bathroom, he sinks down in front of the toilette, feeling like he might throw up any time. He tries to open the toilette lid, but his hands are trembling so much, that it falls down again. This is the last straw, which causes Alex to start crying again, his body shaking even more now. After what feels like hours, there is a knocking on the door once again.

“Alex?”, Thomas asks tentatively. “Are you-?“, he hesitates, apparently not knowing how to end his question. “Can I come in?”

Alex takes a deep breath, hoping that his voice doesn´t sound es pathetic as he feels.

“Give me another minute, alright?”, he gives back, his voice actually sounding almost normal.

“Okay.”, he hears Thomas say, and then steps retreating.

Alex gets up after a few seconds and walks over to the sink, taking a tissue and blowing his nose, before he washes his face again. He takes a deep breath and walks out of the bathroom and into the living room, where he finds Thomas sitting on the couch.

“Hey.”, he says quietly.

“Hey.”, Thomas gives back, looking up at him.

They are quiet for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

“Theo just sent the pictures.”, Thomas finally says, breaking the silence. “Do you want to see?”

Alex hesitates a moment, before he nods, forcing his legs to walk over to the couch and sit down next to Thomas.

“I´m sorry.”, Thomas says quietly. “I-“ He takes a shuddering breath. “I´m sorry.”

Alex nods, silent tears slipping down his face.

“Me too. I´m so sorry.”

He doesn´t know for what he´s actually apologizing, still doesn´t know what they are, but he wants Thomas to know that he is sorry, either for the fight or for causing them to break up.

“Do you want to talk or look at the pictures first?”, Thomas asks.

“Pictures.”, Alex says immediately

Like that he can still hope that everything will be okay again.

Thomas nods and opens the laptop, clicking on the link Theo has sent them and then on the first pic. It looks forced, both their eyes sad and smiles fake, but maybe it´s just because Alex knows that it is.

“Next.”, he says, and Thomas swipes to the left.

It´s almost the same picture, just like the next four, but then the position changes. It looks a bit more natural, but Alex can still see how red his eyes are.

“Next.”, he says again.

His breath catches when he sees the next pic, and he just stares at it for a moment in disbelieve, before looking up at Thomas, who is watching him intensely.

“This day wasn´t supposed to be like that at all, but I still want that.”, Thomas says quietly, his voice serious and calm, but Alex can hear the slight tremble in it.

He looks back the picture again, then at Thomas once more.

“Are you sure?”, Alex asks, he has to ask.

“I am and always was. Alexander Hamilton, will you marry me?”

Alex can feel his eyes filling with tears again as he nods, glancing back at the picture, that shows Thomas kneeling in front of the Christmas tree with the biggest smile on his face and a ring in his hand, holing up a sign that reads the exact same phrase.

“Yes, I want to. I-“, he hesitates. “I really thought this fight was it. That it was over.”

Thomas shakes his head, tears falling down his face as well.

“I love you. This fight was stupid, and I don´t want to ever lose you. I want to marry you.”

Alex surges forward, knocking the laptop off Thomas´ lap, but he doesn´t care as he holds on tight to the other man.

“I love you so much. So, so much.”, Alex whispers.

They stay like this for some time, with Alex softly crying, but this time from relief, while Thomas gently strokes his hair. When Alex looks up again, he notices that Thomas´ face is full of tears too.

“We really fucked up, huh?”, Alex asks. “That was the worst fight we ever had.”

Thomas nods, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“I´m sorry that I just walked out like that, I- I just needed some time to think.”

This time it´s Alex that nods.

“No, no, I get it. I needed time to calm down and think too. I just thought… I was scared that you´d never come back.”, his voice cracks at the last word and he lets out a sob, clinging even tighter to Thomas.

“I will always come back.”, Thomas promises. His voice is quiet but serious.

Alex shakes his head and Thomas frowns.

“I will never let you leave again.”

Thomas chuckles quietly and Alex gives him a tiny smile. He leans forward and kisses the younger man. Alex melts into it, more tears leaving his eyes, as he wraps his arms around Thomas´ neck. When they part again, Alex lets out a shuddering breath, but he feels something inside of him settling into place again. He smiles up at Thomas, lightly poking his chest.

“Hey, where is my ring? Don´t you normally hand that out when you propose to someone?”

Thomas laughs and nods, pressing another kiss to Alex´s lips.

“Yeah, you´re right. Let me get it.”

With that he gets up and walks over to the Christmas tree, taking a small box from underneath it, that Alex hadn´t noticed before. He is kind of shocked Thomas hid the ring in such plain sight, but at the same time Alex can feel his heart fluttering nervously in his chest. Alex´s body moves almost on his own, as he gets up and slowly walks over to Thomas, who is still standing in front of the tree. There is a warm smile on the other man´s face and Alex´s heart makes a jump, when Thomas gets down on one knee in front of him, showing him the delicate gold ring.

“Let´s make it official, won´t we?”, Thomas asks, and all Alex can do is nod.

“Alexander Hamilton, will you make me the happiest man alive and agree to marry me?”

Alex lets out an almost breathless “yes”, shuddering as Thomas slips the ring onto his finger with trembling hands. Alex stares down at the ring for a long time, completely blown away by the thought that he is engaged. Especially after the day they´ve had.

“Where´s yours?”, Alex asks, looking around the room, as if he might find a second ring box hidden somewhere.

Thomas laughs quietly and takes another ring box out from underneath the Christmas tree. Alex lets out a huff.

“That´s not a good hiding place.”, he comments, and takes the box from Thomas.

“They´ve been here for about a week now and you didn´t notice, so I call bullshit.”

Alex shrugs and opens the box, marvelling at the ring for a moment, before he carefully takes it out. Thomas holds out his hand and Alex slips the ring onto his finger, his breath catching.

“I really didn´t expect that day to end like this.”, Alex admits, finally tearing his eyes away from the ring, to look up at Thomas´s face.

“I didn´t either this afternoon.”, Thomas says quietly.

Alex nods, dropping his gaze again.

“Do you regret it?”, he asks after a moment, and Thomas frowns.

“I can´t follow.”

“That you asked today.”

Thomas shakes his head almost instantly, grabbing Alexander´s hands.

“I don´t. This day didn´t go as I thought it would, but you said yes and that´s all that will ever matter.”

Alex lets out a sigh and nods, squeezing Thomas´ hands.

“I think we still have to choose a picture?”, Alex asks, and Thomas nods with a grin.

“We can do that if you haven´t broken my laptop earlier.”

Alex sticks his tongue out at Thomas, walking over to the couch again.

“I want a divorce.”, he declares with a big grin.

He is about to flop down onto the couch, but Thomas catches him by the waist at the last second, pulling him against his chest.

“Oh no, you are stuck with me, baby.”, Thomas gives back, a teasing note in his voice.

“I wouldn´t want it any other way.”

#jamilton #alexander hamilton #thomas jefferson #hamcember #hamilton #hamilton fic #hamilton muscial #mine #my fics #my writing

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atlantisaurum · 3 years ago

Text

Lifetime

At 11pm he was digging up a hole in his own garden. Raindrops shattered on his face, mixing themselves under the tears, not to be distinguished here in the rain some February night in a year preceded by restless hours of isolation and pens in his hands, writing unspoken eulogies whenever he could not sleep. It´s hard to keep track of the order of all the deaths that happened throughout the last decade, all of his life.

Roots as thick as his forearms tormented his way down to a depth to lower the casket in, which he built, hoping it would make him feel less helpless, now, that another soul passed his still young being by. A flash light and an umbrella, held by his only remaining relative, kept him company next to a raging emptiness subsided by inner cries and screams. He had to keep digging otherwise it would be to late to do something, to help, to have a positive part in this inconvenient event in a row of even more inconvenient months.

Hope, first a stranger then a part of his family for 16 years, gone. Wryly and bitterly, he thought: “At least he doesn´t have to endure this anymore.” She cried night and day, crying for someone to give her love and company. His father gave it to her. Is there a place for humans and dogs next to the gods somewhere, anywhere that is not this place? Eternal solace and purity after one injection of sleep? Maybe they will find themselves together at a heavenly equivalent of north shore beaches of Germany in Spring and Autumn. “It doesn´t matter.” Nothing could sooth this loss, this last connection to his father. Sure, there still was the house, three times as old as him, built by his father blood, sweat and tears. It´s just not the same – empty, lonelier even more after his grandmother´s passing. Occupying her old room simply made him colder and his heart more cynical.

Hours passed before he was done digging this testimony of a lost cause, a withered away duo of a family. They lowered the baby-sized casket into the hole. He was silent, only muttering abbreviations of sentences and words as answers in the general direction of his blabbering mother. There are more than two ways to cope with situations like these. He and his mother lingered on opposite sites of the spectrum. One either turns into their parents or into the complete opposite. Both of his parents, marvellous in their own ways, imperfect as every other being as well. He feared to turn out like either of them. Where does one find the balance between obnoxiously loud and forever shut inside ones own head?

Fear and a promise urged his life forward for an unbearable amount of time. Stretched so thin he wasn´t even a person anymore. If one isn´t a person one will forget how to cry.

But he cried, at least he thought so or hoped so. Not crying meant it would kill him at some other point further in the future. He couldn´t bear it. When does it ever stop?

Continuously, every other week or month, he asked himself why he was the person he turned out to be. For these questions, bitter and melancholy answers are at hand but never satisfying enough to keep the doubts and hate from lurking back into his mind. Why couldn´t he accept a shoulder to cry on? It is simply easier to be quite than to explain anything at all. Every book, every last poem, piece of prose has its origins and its far fetched interpretations and general analysis but nothing that is not an exact copy of the authors mind can never fully explain the words felt and written.

Nothing ever will have enough matter to fill a black hole. It will suck in everything surrounding it, turning it into lifeless, non-existent, meaningless and fleeting occurrences. “It doesn´t matter”, he thought again. “My body is real, so is this soon to be covered in unwanted weeds and white wild flowers now filled up hole.” This existentialistic thought scratched at the walls of his head, ripping the wallpaper off and leaving behind but a white space once touched but now an unlovable place for non-permanent acquaintances of his life. Nothing stays, nothing lasts. `This too shall pass.´ But it never really seems that way in these awfully long lasting moments. Tomorrow he would still be existing and had to live the life given to him unasked for and unwillingly lead from crisis to crisis.

Soon, he knows, he would forget the tone of his dogs voice and the vibrancy of her fur in winter. So many memories repressed so he was able to breathe.

At 3am he opened the door of his car, leather gloves on his hands, but he knew his knuckles turned white by the way his hands started cramping after uncountable minutes of just holding onto the steering wheel, not even driving, just sitting, trying not to break down into even smaller pieces. His life was spread all over the globe, one chipped piece at a time. America, France, Spain, Italy, Germany - an endless list of places covered in blood only he could see. There was nowhere to go.

He turned the key around and starting driving. No specific aim, goal or place to end up at – driving simply so he wouldn´t be anywhere any time at all. Constantly moving in order not to linger.

A lightning struck above his head, enlightening the hardened lines of his face. He knew the roads, where they would eventually lead him. Every path has its end, every turn he made unconsciously brought him closer to where his heart needed to be in that very moment, after all of this morbid digging and the cries of his mother still ringing in his ears. A trip he had taken one too many times that led him to the grim realisation that he made a crucial mistake at being a person befriending another one. Taking anything, anyone in particular, for granted. Nothing ever is granted. Everything is temporary, time is fleeting and the air passing every single being by is only a recollection of what had been, could have been and something of what may never be.

The car seemed to shiver as he turned left and drove up the agricultural road, opening the scenery up to see a horizon waiting for the sun to touch its colours and tint it with its warm beams. He turned off the car. The breath he took did not help his lungs to steady themselves. Heavy was the weight sitting on his chest as the tried to open the door and begged his legs and feet to move him out of the car, onto the mushy and dirty field, awaiting the light of the new day to come.

His feet sunk into the dirt, covering his shoes in mud and torn off grass. “It doesn´t matter”, he thought again. “No one ever profited off of Nihilism.” He moved to the front of the car and leaned again the it, feet still on the ground. He needed to feel the ground beneath him, needed to feel the connection to something that wouldn´t die on him. “We´re killing this planet.” But the earth always had the remarkable ability to recover from any form of human interference. Chernobyl, only 30 years later nature recovered, animals repopulated themselves and it is now a fully functional and living place for nature and its inhabitants. But who is a boy compared to the wonders of the earth? Everyone can only ever endure and hope the pain eases. What is the last straw?

Miserable to his core, sinking deeper into the mud, the sun started to rise. Fog appeared at the horizon behind the trees in the forest that was before him. He couldn´t even count anymore how many girls he had taken to this place. He didn´t even know why he had taken them in the first place. To impress, to share, to show sparks of depth that he usually would not let anyone see? He was fooling himself. He took them them just so didn´t feel as lonely as he did now seeing this astonishing view all by himself, wondering why no one stayed long enough to see the sun set again with him. He could never to honest with himself. Lies followed lies followed lies followed by a dead end. So many things had ended when he had tried to fix them. “You cannot keep lying to everyone just because it seems like it is more convenient for you. If you keep lying, you´ll get lost in your lies and might never find your way back to the truth and to those who are sincere”, she had said to him once. “I´m sick of being treated like a secret. Stand for what you do, whom you´re with and why.” How was he supposed to tell the truth if he did not even knew it himself?

Truth is simple once one acknowledges that anything that differs from its pure form will ultimately lead one into a false perception of reality. Reality, just as time, is relative. Factual reality and emotional reality are two completely different things. “I cannot stay here”, he muttered, got back into his car and took off.

#z #mine #short story #m #death #tw

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somebridgesburn · 5 years ago

Text

the moral of the story (it is cruel my dear)

So I wrote a fic and finished it, I don’t know who I am anymore. Jokes aside though, this might not only be the longest but also my favourite fic I’ve ever written. Also, I should probably have edited it properly but I was way too excited not to share it, so yeah.

warnings: angst, full on angst that I hope will rip your heart out (what else do you expect from me), also slight smut, language (and badly written dialogues)

7,137 words (yeah I don’t know how that happened either)

summary: How comforting it is, Steve thinks, that there are 14 million universes out there. How comforting it is to know that there must be a universe where he gets to love you.

He closes his eyes and lets his knees give in.

(there´s a lot of things Steve Rogers wishes he would have done differently)

How comforting it is, Steve thinks, that there are 14 million universes out there. How comforting it is to know that there must be a universe where he gets to love you.

He closes his eyes and lets his knees give in.

Life is easy at the Tower.

Steve wakes up at 5am sharp every morning and drinks two protein shakes before going on a run. He showers in a shower that is almost as big as his and Bucky's whole bathroom back in Brooklyn used to be. He ignores Tony's snarky remarks and pretends to understand Clint's pop culture references. He storms Hydra bases with his new team. He doesn't flinch anymore when Natasha appears out of nowhere.

Life is good. It's not the way it used be; with Bucky and the Commandos and their dirty jokes and laughter around camp fires all over Europe, but it's not his apartment in DC anymore either, with its walls that always seemed to be caving in on him, or doing Hydra's dirty work. Steve can work with that.

You're young, that's the first thing he notices about you.

Tony recruits you on a whim and before Steve even looks twice, you've moved into the Tower and you go on missions and you attend team game nights.

See, usually Steve would be mad, except that he can't be when he sees you; sees you fight, sees you with the team. Truth is, you fit right in.

You get all excited discussing science stuff with Bruce over dinner, measure your biceps against Thor's when he pays you one of his random visits, making his laugh thunder down the halls of the Tower, meal prep (whatever the fuck that is) with Natasha on Saturdays and Wednesdays; you're part of the team before Steve can even say you're not, and honestly, he can't even be mad about it.

Steve likes you. Until he doesn't.

***

See, you're nice, you're charming, everybody likes you, Steve likes you. You don't always follow orders and you have butted heads with a couple congress men before but that's okay. It's not good, but it's okay; Steve can work with that.

What he can't work with, however, is half-truths.

It all starts with a routine mission.

Storm Hydra base, get intel, blow it up; it's easy enough. You and Steve take the west wing, knocking out Hydra agents on your way down. Steve kicks one of the agents in the gut, tries to pry the arms of the other one off his throat, when he calls out for you for backup.

You don't answer.

He finally escapes out of the agent's choke hold and knocks him out, panting heavily, eyes scanning the room for you. You were on the other side of the room just a minute ago, but now you hover over another Hydra agent and you- you don't do anything. You look at him, gun hanging loosely by your side, as he says something to you, urgently, thoroughly.

Steve calls out your name again. You startle, as if pulled out of a daze and put a bullet through the agent's head. Steve furrows his brows, shooting you a questioning look. You look away.

“What was that”, he asks you, as you board the quinjet. You've been carefully avoiding him for the rest of the mission.

“What?”, you ask, looking up at him, slightly limping.

“You know exactly what I mean” His voice is harsh, your eyes widen, but these are the facts: He saw you hesitate. Those few seconds could have cost somebody's life.

“I don't think I do, Captain.”

“You hesitated!”, he grits out, “You hesitated taking out a hostile!”

“I- I was just out of it for a second, Cap”, you shrug, smiling a little and Steve doesn't believe a word you say.

“Don't lie to me”

“I-”

“Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?”, Tony interrupts you. He's looking between you and him, eyes furrowed.

You've gathered the attention of the whole team now, Natasha looking up from bandaging Clint's side, Bruce watching you from the cockpit, Thor awkwardly wringing his hands together.

“Oh, I don't know, I'm just wondering if she's compromised!” He gestures at you. Steve's irritated, angry even and his arm hurts where he got shot because you didn't cover him.

“What?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hey, hey! Calm down everybody!”, Natasha barks, ”Steve?”

“She hesitated- she froze. A Hydra agent was talking to her and she listened! I could've-”

“She froze?”, Tony asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes.”, Steve says, tightening his jaw. You stare at the ground. He knows there's more to it.

“Well, happens to the best of us! No need to be a pussy about it, Capsicle”, Tony snaps and wraps an arm around you, telling you to sit down so he could examine you leg.

***

So, you used to be Hydra. Kind of, at least.

After the mission you sit down in the common room - the common room, not the conference room – and you have a pillow in your lap and offer cookies you baked yesterday as if you were going to have a girls night and talk about ex-boyfriends.

Clint is sprawled on the coach and pushing his feet in Natasha's lap, while she pushes them back down again. Steve balls his fists and raises his eyebrows at you. You take a deep breath; and then you spill.

You used to work as a scientist for an institution, completely oblivious to the fact that it was knees deep in business with Hydra. Then you found files, files about Hydra, files about your work being used by Hydra. You panicked. You didn't know any better and you panicked and you wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, so you quit.

“I was stupid”, you sigh, “I knew too much, probably even without having found the files. They took me before I could even leave the building.”

They know the rest, seeing as it actually is in your file. You were used as a test subject by Hydra, causing you to develop your powers. Months into your captivity you were rescued by another handler that wasn't better by much; there are aren't a lot of pretty things in you file.

Then Tony found you in Berlin, battered and bruised. It's a sob story, really.

“Why didn't you say something?” Steve's the first to break the silence after you finished.

“I didn't want to talk about it”, you say, stirring your tea with a spoon, not even looking up.

“You didn't want to talk about it? That's it? That's why you lied to all of us?”

“I didn't lie”

“You said you- ”

“I didn't say anything, you assumed” You press your lips together. You're angry now, too, Steve realises. “also, Fury knew.”

It's not a big deal to Natasha because she knows, because Steve probably doesn't want to know about all of the half-truths and lies she serves them on a regular basis, it's not a big deal to Tony because Tony loves you, Tony put his eyes on you and basically adopted you and it's not like anything bad happened, Cap and it's not a big deal to anyone else either because apparently all you have to do is laugh a little and bake a couple cookies and it's all forget, forgive.

Well, guess what. It's a big fucking deal to Steve.

Maybe he's over-reacting. He knows better than to assume that what stands in Natasha's file is always accurate and he's pretty sure there's more to Clint than he knows, too.

But still, there's more to it. Steve knows there's more and you're still not telling everything. And he doesn't know you long enough to trust you despite of it- or maybe he doesn't want to in the first place.

You're everywhere.

The following days Steve tries to avoid you, tries to be civil about it in the most middleschool-ish way he knows because he might just yell at you again when he sees your face and he's trying not to do that.

But you make it damn hard not to.

You're sparring with Natasha when Steve wanted to and you're cooking breakfast when Steve wanted to make himself eggs and then he's done because Sam cancels their morning run on Thursday; Sam can't go on a run with him because he wants to go running with you because he's concerned after hearing your sob story and wants to make sure you're alright.

Maybe it's not even just about that one mission – maybe it's also about how you just made yourself part of the team, how you invaded every part of their lives from to without asking and now you can't even be trusted, now you endanger missions, now Steve has to write longer mission reports because of your goddamn recklessness (“as if you're the one to talk, Rogers-”).

There's nothing about you that doesn't annoy Steve anymore.

He doesn't think you're adorable. He doesn't think you're funny. You're too sarcastic and too much of a know-it-all and Steve doesn't even get half of your jokes.

It's different now. Team dinner are tense because you either had a fight before or he is pissed at you for making Natasha smile that much. Briefings are tense, missions are tense, everything is tense once you and Steve are in the same room.

He knows he should feel sorry for it, feel sorry at least for everyone else, but he doesn't. You roll your eyes at him when he asks for the salt.

***

He wishes he could say it happened differently.

If he were a better man, if he were the man everyone thinks he is, maybe he could. But he isn´t, so the first time he kisses you is the first time you fuck, and the first time you fuck is against a wall and it hasn´t anything to do with love or feeling and everything with the fight you just had. It´s fast and rough an it´s dirty and in hindsight, he hates himself a little for it, for not giving you what you deserve, for ruining it from the start (it probably was already ruined way before that).

***

So you fuck now.

Not routinely, not exclusively, but you do. Who would have thought, huh.

It's mostly just getting rid of boiled up frustration, blowing off steam after a mission or a fight or, most of them time, both.

You're more civil with each other now at least, too. You still snap, you still argue, but not to a degree where it's uncomfortable for anyone to be around the two of you.

You're still annoying but there are other ways your mouth actually can be useful, Steve found out and he's okay with that.

***

“You knew him”, Steve says as he's kissing down your neck.

“What?”, your voice is breathy and he knows you're not really paying attention. It's low, using sex to get information out of you but he had to, he saw an opportunity and he had to take it.

“The Hydra agent. At the warehouse. You hesitated, you knew him.” He's still trailing kisses down your body, travelling lower and lower but you stiffen underneath him.

“Steve, stop”, you say, pushing at his shoulders, “what the fuck?”

He stops at your belly button, looking up when he says, “what, you used to fuck him?”

You freeze.

“Fuck”, Steve hisses, jumping from the bed, before you can open your mouth, trying to deny it. “fuck, fuck, fuck!”

He hadn't meant it as a serious question, hadn't even considered it as a possibility. He din't even know what had gotten into him, it was supposed to be just another insult, irritating you.

“Rogers”, your voice is quiet and cold, eyes calculating as you watch him pace. You're still naked from the waist up.

He's been looking for a reason to mistrust, to dislike you for so long now but he didn't want to find one, he realises now.

“I didn't-”, he starts, running his fingers through his hair, “fuck!”, he yells again.

You don't say anything. The door slips shut too quietly after him.

You find him in the kitchen. It's just past 3am when he hears your light footsteps on the hardwood floor. He doesn't look up, only hears you sit down on the kitchen aisle, one seat between you.

“He was a co-worker. We started going out three weeks after I started working there. I liked him, I really did.”

“I thought liked me, too, you know, I though it was really something. But turns out he was just keeping tabs on me the whole time.”, you add quietly. Your voice doesn't quiver but Steve can hear the heartbreak, the betrayal netherless.

“It sucked, making all of these friends, trusting all of these people only for it to turn out they'd solely been using me the whole time.”, you sigh, “What I want to say though- I know you're going to tell everybody and you got every reason to. You're not going to trust me at all anymore and I understand it, I do, but I just- it doesn't change anything. This team, it- My loyalty is with you.”

“Does Fury know?”, he asks, finally speaking up.

“I don't know”, you shrug, “probably”

You both sit in silence for a long while after that.

As it turns out, Fury does indeed know.

Steve steps out of the elevator, just having come back from his office and he sees you pouring a cup of coffee, laughing with Bruce at Clint's antics.

Fury knows, Steve figures. The team doesn't have to.

***

“Fuck”, Steve swears and the corners of your mouth curl upwards.

“This isn't funny”, he spits out, pressing your hips further into the desk.

“Sure it isn't, Captain.” Lazy smile still forming on your lips

“Stop it. Stop pretending everything is a joke to you!”

“I'm not.”

“You endangered the mission. Do you even know what that means? What could have happened?” He rips off your blouse, ignores you snarling when buttons spring off, and discards it on the floor.

“I didn't. Endanger the mission.”

He huffs, unbelieving and turns you around, hands tracing over your ass, grabs a handful when you start speaking again.

“I- uh- would have gotten the job done either way.”, you say between breaths, hips rocking into his.

“Yeah, but you could have gotten yourself killed”, he hisses.

“As if you care about that”

“Of course I care about that!”Steve grits out forcefully and freezes.

You use that moments to flip you around, Steve now presses to the edge of the desk.

“I care about my team”, he retorts lamely, when he finally recovers.

“Whatever you say, Captain”, you snort and push down his pants, stealing any further words out of his mouth.

***

You still haven't stopped. In the back of his mind, Steve knows you should. You shouldn't even have started this whole thing in the first place. But the thing with your co-worker, that should have put it to an end for good. It didn't though.

It took a few days for you to stop dancing around each other to go back to normal again, took a rather strong disagreement on tactics and Steve bending you over the conference table for you to go back to sarcastic comments and borderline hostility again.

But still, it changed something.

“I still don't get why you hate her, man”, Sam says, sipping his beer, after Steve snapped at you.

He catches himself before he can say me neither.

He thinks about what you said. About him caring about you. He thinks about it, a lot (too much).

Here's the conclusion he draws: it's strictly professional, of course.

If you die, he failed as a team leader. If something happened to you, the mission probably wouldn't be accomplished. If you got killed, it would add further conflict among the team, which is the last thing they need.

He finds himself looking for reasons to get angry at you so he can feel you smooth skin underneath his hands again.

He thinks about you, more often than not. Your hands, your hair, your lips, your laugh- he shakes his head, no.

He jerks off, determined not to go to you, determined to not think of you and still, still his mind wanders to your lips, your hands tracing his chest, the little sounds you make, the little smile on your face afterwards when you thought he wasn't looking – he spills into his hand.

“Fuck”, he says to an empty room.

Here's the ugly truth: you matter to Steve and he doesn't want you to.

And maybe the reasonable, sensible approach would be to stop whatever the two of you are doing; no more hate sex and spiteful comments.

It's what Sam, or anyone with some resemblance of common sense, really, would tell him to do but Steve can't bring himself to do it, can't bring himself to actually tell Sam about it either though because he's ashamed.

Instead he pushes you into a closet, manhandling you roughly, when you do something thoughtful for Wanda.

He wants to hold your hand and squeezes your thigh under the table instead.

You laugh against his lips when he stumbles over a box lying on his floor and Steve thinks IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.

He kisses you frantically before the words can spill out of him.

(Captain America's healthy way of dealing with feelings 101)

“He was everything”, Steve says quietly and meets your eyes. You're close, too close. All things considered, you have been a lot closer and it shouldn't matter but this feels different.

This is different, with the two of you the only ones left in the kitchen, Bucky's files spread out on the table and Steve's heart on his sleeve. You're inches away and really, in comparison, it's nothing to freak out about, but now, you're looking at Steve, really looking and it's soft, tender, almost- loving.

It's so intimate that Steve feels like he has to ruin it with mean comment but you take his face in your hands and close the gap.

It's slow that night, for the first time, it's slow. You squeeze his hand when it finds yours.

***

You choose Tony and Steve doesn't know if he can blame you for it.

He knows that he wants to, but there's still enough righteousness in him left to remind him that there might be a lot of things Steve wishes to be to you, but there are only a few that he is actually is.

And then he thinks of Tony and your ever-ongoing banters, him nudging your shoulder playfully, all the times he's found the two of you sitting at the kitchen counter, each nursing a cup of coffee at ungodly hours, just having resurfaced from the lab. Steve wasn't the only one to spend nights with you in some way or another and somehow he can't help thinking that Tony and yours were much more precious.

He doesn't know a lot about your and Tony's relationship, never cared to ask, but he knows that you don't have any family left and Stark got you out of a really ugly situation; he sees the light teasing and easy smiles and fond-yet-exasperated looks shared between you (and everything else yours and Steve´s relationship lacks).

Tony's like a father to you, and nothing that Steve is could ever come close to that.

Of course you'd choose Tony and Steve has no right to be mad about it.

If it were for anyone else picking Stark's side, it'd be no problem. Steve´s put all of them in this position, Steve understands, doesn't blame them, doesn't take it personal.

But with you, it stings. It stings more than he's ever willing to admit.

***

Being on the run changed him. He can see it in the mirror, his hair and beard longer now than they've ever been, he can feel it when they are storming Hydra bases and he strangles a man with his bare hands without batting an eye and he can see it in Natasha's eyes when he meets her gaze afterwards.

He´s vicious and ruthless and angry. Steve is so angry it burns in his bones and ignites the pit of his stomach and there is not a number of Hydra members he can kill or hours of sparring he can spend with Natasha that are ever going to ease that feeling. He´s angry at the government, at Tony, at Hydra, at Zola for doing this to Bucky, at a god he stopped believing somewhere between when everything he fought for, died for turned out to be a lie and aliens started to fall out of the sky, at everything, at anyone (at you, at you, at you).

***

He sees you again in Stockholm and for a moment he panics.

It's a small bar and you spot him immediately, beard and ballcap be damned. You haven't been looking for him though, he can tell by the look of surprise swiftly crossing your features.

“Here to arrest me?”, he jokes without humour when you take a seat at the bar next to him.

“No”, you answer, completely serious, “I won't”

Because you could. You could call someone right now and in a matter of hours they'd be behind bars. Or you could give them a head start and tell on them when you were back in New York.

Hell, you probably should, God knows what trouble you could get into if someone found out you'd let him go.

But you won't, Steve knows you won't.

You're starring at him, but Steve knows he's no better himself. Your hair's a little shorter now and you look tired.

“What are you doing here?”, he asks, only to break the silence, to force himself to stop starring.

You smile. You can't tell him and he knows.

When your hand finds his, he laces your fingers together before he can top himself.

“I miss you”, you whisper so quietly Steve would have missed it if it weren't for his enhanced hearing.

You brush your thumb over the back of his hand before he feels your hand slip out of his. You're gone a moment later.

“You know it's okay if you need a weekend away”, Natasha suddenly says from behind him. He didn't hear her coming and honestly, he hasn't had it in him to be surprised by that for a long time now.

A weekend away. He knows what she's implying and he almost smirks because for once, Natasha is wrong. Still, he allows himself to think about it for a moment, you and him, hauled up in a hotel room somewhere in Spain. Wanda has hers in Scottland, Natasha has her in Iowa. He could have his with you. He can't though, he can't.

“How do you know?” No one knows. They've always kept quiet, but really, he shouldn't be surprised, it's Natasha.

She snorts, and takes another gulp of his whiskey, obviously not planning on answering. When she looks up again her smile turns wry, and maybe a little sad, “your eyes, Rogers, your eyes.”

“It's- we're not- we've never been-” he says, sighs and honestly, what surprises him even more is that Natasha seems to be surprised at that.

“Oh”, she says, and after a moment, “you're angry at her.”

“Yeah”, Steve sighs, and he feels every single one of his hundred years on this earth, “Guess I'm never not”

Natasha breaths out through her nose and it's silent for a moment.

“Yeah, I get that”

The words are so quiet he almost doesn't hear them. He doesn't understand for a moment but then he thinks of Peggy's funeral and the bitterness in Natasha's voice, says he's retired, and of the hotel room in Vienna and the cracks in the screen of her phone after she threw it against a wall, says he's taking the house arrest.

He reaches over, squeezing her hand and Natasha looks up to the ceiling.

***

You meet again in Wakanda.

“Steve”, you say, nodding your head. Your hair is shorter now, not even reaching your shoulders and Steve, Steve has images, memories in his head of your hair falling around your face when you sat on top of him, leaning down to kiss his chest, your hair tangles in his fingers, your hair-

He says your name in return and he hates how it sounds a little to breathy, a little too low and most of all he hates how he knows that you know.

You fuck again that night.

Maybe it isn't the rational, the right decision to make, but the world is ending and you show up at his door in the middle of the night, hair tangled and just as unable to find sleep as him and Steve would be lying if he says that he hasn´t missed you like a starving man.

The first time is for getting it out of your system. Hands reaching, clinging, grabbing, desperate, so, so desperate, and fast and angry and almost violent. So many years missed, spent thinking, longing for this, for you.

The second time is for holding on.

It's desperate in different way. Soft and clinging, refusing to let go, refusing to let this be the end.

End of the world sex, Steve thinks and he almost wants to laugh at that except there isn't anything to laugh at left.

“What's up”, he asks, half propped up on his elbow, staring openly at your naked form, sitting on the edge of the bed. Your head is buried in your hands and your back is turned towards him and you are so, so beautiful.

You lift your head up at his question and look at him for a long time with a look in your eyes Steve doesn't recognize. You kiss him then.

The third time is for saying goodbye.

It's slow and feverish until it's fast and soft. You kiss him, god, you kiss him and he can't get enough, he can't get enough, it will never be enough except this time, it has to be. This time might just be the last time he'll feel you shaking apart in his arms.

He remembers when he longed for something like this, something, anything, that would make him feel.

Back when he still felt so stuck in a time he didn´t belong, felt so stuck that he couldn´t breathe; back in his apartment in D.C. and with this job at SHIELD that wasn´t really anything but better than nothing and instant noodles for dinner.

Back when he had this life that wasn´t much of a life; but at least he still could believe that what he was doing what was right, at least he could still fill his days with dreams about Peggy, a matching gold band on her finger and Bucky living next door. A distant ache, bearable, at least, and just enough to make him feel something.

He looks at your sleeping form now, brows still furrowed in your sleep and he thinks his heart might just shut down. Now, Steve feels and he feels so much that he almost wishes it would just stop again.

Someone should have told Steve Rogers to be careful what he wished for.

***

Maybe it would have worked with the two of you, Steve remembers thinking, lying in that bed in Wakanda, your warm body pressed into his side.

If things wouldn't have turned out the way they did, if you hadn't hurt, hadn't damaged each other this much.

Maybe it would work now, he had thought, if you both made it out of here alive, maybe it would work then.

***

Half of earth´s population is gone and Steve Rogers has lost Bucky Barnes yet another time.

You are descending from the Quinjet, bruised and broken, all hope drained out of you.

You haven't looked each other in the eyes since it's all been done. The dust, your friends, are still stuck in your hair and Steve feels sick.

You are descending off the quinjet and there's a guy running towards you. Steve's confused for a moment but then he wraps you into a bruising hug. He pulls away a little, says something that makes you nod and slips his arm around your waist, gripping your hip in a way that Steve doesn't like.

“This is Jonathan”, you say and Steve feels like he is falling.

***

The four years are long.

At first he doesn't even try. Gives in to his grief, his self-pity, Natasha only puts a stop to it when he starts growing out his beard again.

They lost. He lost Bucky, he lost Sam, he lost Tony. He lost and half the universe died.

He lost you, too. Except that's the one thing Steve doesn't blame himself for, not when he can blame you, not when he can be angry at someone else.

Steve Rogers is a lot of things and he doesn´t like all of them, but he is not a cheater. He is honest and good, if flawed, but he is not a cheater and you made him one.

(He doesn't know how to forgive you for that)

(Most of all, it hurts that you took something, that night, that had been something so precious, almost sacred to Steve, to you, too, he had thought, and turned it into something dirty, something to regret)

He runs. He founds a self-help group. He moves into a place downtown because he can't look at Sam's old coffee cups every morning. He talks about Peggy because people want him to talk and Peggy's an old ache, painful but manageable, not the flaming white pain Steve feels when he thinks about anything else these days.

Natasha sometimes drops your name in conversations, saying something like “She and Jonathan broke up”, almost as if she was testing the waters, as if she was provoking him a little, gauging his reaction.

Truth is, he doesn´t know how to react. There are feelings over feelings in his chest when he hears your name and he doesn´t know what do with them.

***

You do not apologize.

Steve doesn´t see you for two years after the day on the platform (after you left with Jonathan, fucking Jonathan, who had his arm slung around your waist)

You are somewhere in Europe and he doesn't know what you are doing because the last time Natasha told him something about you, in that not-so-subtle-casually-dropping-your-name-way (She bought brown curtains last week as well and-).

And Steve really doesn't want to think about you or your stupid curtains that you probably hung up in your living room in a small house with an open kitchen and a front yard somewhere in fucking Europe, while Jonathan cooks you dinner.

The curtains in your old room were red.

You show up in April.

You are standing in the middle of the room, leaning against the table, arms crossed in front of your chest, casually conversing with Rhodey like you hadn't been gone for two years.

Steve can feel the anger in his chest rising just looking at you. You are wearing black boots and a blouse and your hair is pulled back neatly and you do not look like you've been depressed or sleep-deprived or affected in any way, of course.

You are living somewhere in France or Austria or the Netherlands with your boyfriend and two dogs and your fucking brown curtains (he knows you like cats more, he knows that you and Jonathan broke up, but still) and you are fine, while all of them are struggling, suffering, barely making it through the day, but still trying to hold everything upright.

You just upped and left without a single care in the world about, oh, you know, half of earth's deceased population, all of its consequences, the Avengers, all of the dead Avengers (about Steve).

Steve knows that maybe his isn't being entirely fair, but maybe he also doesn't give a single shit about fair and right at the moment. At the moment, he's just angry.

He's still standing in the door, watching you, ignoring Natasha's prying gaze burning through him.

You still haven't seen him yet.

(He wonders if you ever really will)

You do not apologize.

Not in the weeks to come, probably won't ever. You stay at the Compound, help Natasha out, try to settle in a new routine. You're back, just like that.

As if the world didn't end and you just left all of them without a second thought, as if you didn't use Steve, didn't cheat on someone with him, as if nothing had ever happened.

You're indifferent to him. You're polite but don't seek out conversation, you ignore his jabs and offer him dinner when he comes to do his laundry.

You're real mature about all of this and it pisses Steve off to no end because he's the mature one, he's the one who usually knows better.

It pisses him off because he's in pieces while you don't care.

It pisses him off because you hurt him, he let you in and you hurt him and now you pretend nothing ever happened.

Maybe you figured it didn't count, on the verge of death. Maybe you thought you'd die anyways so you wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath. Maybe you figured Steve would die and never find out.

Or maybe, maybe you just didn't think, like you always do, maybe you were just reckless for a moment and now Steve's paying for it (like he always does).

***

“I can't forgive you”, he whispers against your lips and you probably know that already because you don't react, don't flinch, don't answer, just pull him into an even harder kiss.

His words don't sting and he's starting to think maybe he wants them to.

Wants to hurt you, a little bit. Not physically, Steve isn't that low of a man, but maybe he wishes his words would sting, would hurt you, haunt you, like every syllable from your lips does with him.

(maybe he just wants to see that you care)

***

Perhaps he hates you, Steve thinks, while he is swivelling the drink in his hands, and he almost wants to laugh at the irony. You've come a full circle now, he's hated you, then he's loved you and now he hates you again (only that he hasn't stopped loving you either and he hasn't entirely worked out how that is supposed to be possible, how his heart is supposed to take that).

Someone else's hands are tracing over his chest, someone else's body is lying on his mattress, in his bed and he can almost feel you.

He hopes that you can hear him fucking another girl.

He imagines you lying on the other side of the wall, listening to her moans, his grunts, his name rolling off her lips, all breathy and high on pleasure.

He hopes there's anger and regret cursing through you, eating you up and the thought of it is enough for him to get it up. (No, he has no interest in exploring that thought further)

He says your name when he comes.

(And it hurts, it hurts that he still loves you despite it all)

***

He misses Bucky.

That's what the Snap did, he thinks bitterly, it took away half of the people he loved and made him hate the rest.

***

Steve looks at you smiling at Natasha, cutting up onions, half-heartedly trying to get back into meal prepping and he wants to say fuck you. He wants to scream it off the rooftops, in your face, in front of the whole team. Fuck you, he wants to say, fuck you for using him, for doing this to him and still claiming his heart. The words taste bitter when he swallows them down.

You are staring at the file lying on the table and he is staring at you.

You huff, shaking your head a little in frustration before you meet his eyes again and Steve wants to say kiss me, please, please, kiss him, kiss him so you can forget, kiss him so you can make everything alright again but he doesn't, he won't and the words are eating him up alive.

You are looking at the photos of Morgan Pepper sent and your lips in curve in a funny way and your eyes crinkle and Steve's not sure whether you're holding back tears or laughter and it's right there on the tip of his tongue, because most of all, most of all he wants to say I forgive you, you're not sorry but I still forgive you.

***

He's punishing you.

Except that you don't care and he's really just punishing himself.

***

“This needs to stop”, Natasha says three months after you moved back into the Compound.

He just snorts in return, not bothering to look up from the stack of papers in front of him.

“Steve”, he hears her sigh, feels her settle next to him on the couch, “you know this isn't helping anyone.”

“What? You're on her side now?”

“No, I'm on no one's side, Steve. I'm just saying the shit you're pulling right now is hurting you, the both of you.”

He thinks about your cold, neutral demeanour, you not looking at him

“It doesn't”, he retorts without missing a beat.

“It does”

“What do you even know about any of this”, he hisses, but then he thinks of all of the voice mails he's heard Natasha leave on Clint's phone late at night and he wishes he could take it back.

Natasha huffs, “Just... Just don't do something you'll regret”, she says in the end and Steve thinks it's much too late for that.

***

He finds you crying. Curled up on the gym floor, knuckles bleeding, sandbag ripped open.

You flinch away from his touch, finally meeting his eyes. Your eyes are watery, cheeks tear stained and Steve's has never seen you looking so vulnerable, so hurt (so beautiful).

Maybe he isn't the only one who is suffering after all.

He doesn't feel the satisfaction he thought he would upon that realisation.

“Are you content now?”, you snap, as if reading his thoughts.

Steve finds he can't bring himself to say yes, wonders what he is even doing all of this for then.

***

“You used me!”, he yells, his voice echoing off the empty walls.

“I didn't” You are not loud but there is so much venom in your voice that it silences Steve all the same, chest heaving, jaw clenched.

“I didn't”, you repeat, “but you are too full of yourself to ever stop for a moment and think that maybe you aren't right”

“Oh, enlighten me then! Enlighten me on how you could possibly be the victim here again!”

You open your mouth and he could scream at your self-rightousness after all of this you still can't admit that you fucked up.

“You know what, don't. Don't even try to talk yourself out of this, I don't even wanna hear it.”

Rhodey's phone rings, cutting through the deafening silence.

You are gone the next morning.

***

You're back together with Jonathan. He overheard phone calls and there's a sinking feeling in his chest he has no right to feel but it's okay because Steve has a lot of other neglected grief and emotions to deal with in an unhealthy manner first.

Natasha doesn't want to tell him anything this time around and it's probably for the better.

“You don't wanna do that to yourself again, Steve”, she sighs and starts cutting up sandwiches because Steve is way too old to have that big of a food-equals-happiness-reaction but he does and she's smart like that.

***

“I do not owe you anything”, you say out of the blue, as you stripe on your suit, “after all of this I really don't.”

Your hair is much shorter now, too short to pull it back.

Steve hasn't seen you since he yelled at you two years ago, didn't think he would ever again, but then time travel was a real thing and Tony gave him his shield back and you were leaning against the countertops, talking to Bruce.

You look tired. There are the faintest wrinkles around your eyes now and you are tired to your bones but you are doing this anyway.

He opens his mouth, snarky remark on his tongue, when you speak again.

“Jonathan was never really something before Wakanda.” You meet his eyes, almost as if challenging him and Steve can't think of a single thing to say.

All this time, all this missed time, spent hating you, when he could have just loved you.

He knows then that this, whatever this is between the two of you, is done. It should have been for a very long time now, but truth is, it never was.

Even when he hated you, hated you with all of his being, it was always you Steve Rogers imagined whispering dirty things in his ear. Even when he didn't want to, hated himself for it, would have denied it to his last breath, he loved you.

And god, he still does and maybe you do, too, but Steve knows in this very moment that you will never, ever want to again, not after all of the hurt he's caused you, not after he's crucified you for nothing for all of these years. He feels sick to his stomach, with the finality of it all.

It takes him a moment to regain his voice, it's hoarse and rough, when he speaks, “not really something?”

“I'm not saying I'm innocent – but I sure as hell didn't deserve all of that shit.”, you say, shrugging.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Would you have listened?”, you retort and he hates that he knows the answer.

“You could have tried harder”, he says then, voice still hoarse, because he's still not entirely done with not taking any of the blame.

You zip up the rest of your suit. You are going to travel in time. It doesn't sound right, no matter how many times you repeat it.

“Yeah”, you say, a strange look crossing your features and he knows you're not just talking about Jonathan anymore, “we both could have.”

***

“He loved you in every single one of them”, Strange says and Pepper smiles and Steve thinks he´d be content if he´d get just one of them, if he could just love you in this one.

***

Steve knows he´s too late when he starts running.

He watches you fall, blood splattering and he can feel the vomit coming up his throat. He can hear someone screaming and it takes him a moment to realise that it's him.

There's smoke everywhere, bodies everywhere and his lungs are burning, his feet stumbling, almost giving out from under him.

He's almost there, almost there and still not close enough, when your limp body hits the ground.

There's blood, so much blood and Steve is too late.

How comforting it is, Steve thinks, to know that there are 14 million universes out there. How comforting it is to know that there must be a universe where he gets to love you.

He closes his eyes and lets his knees give in.

(The moral of the story is that they loved and it didn´t matter)

#Steve Rogers #steve rogers fic #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers smut #steve x reader #steve rogers angst #steve rogers reader insert #clintasha #writing #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fanfiction #endgame #infinity war

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oncelers-panties · 4 years ago

Text

Cheer Practice

Pairing: Oncest (College AU)

Warnings: mild coercion, general n/sfw

Ao3 Link

Once-ler loses a bet and is forced to do something quite embarrassing. To his suprise, he enjoys it.

In retrospect, accepting to race against a running back had not been the brightest idea.

But in the heat of the moment, he hadn´t thought of that. Not when said running back, a brash guy named Greed, had to become his dormmate. Living with the man was all sorts of awful. Once-ler had to get used to sweaty clothes being strewn all over their bedroom, towers of dirty dishes and take-out boxes in the kitchen, hair in the drain- all such pleasantries. But the worst of it all was being awoken in the middle of the night by either the drunk yelling of Greed´s entire football team coming from the kitchen, or the screams and grunts of lovers he brought along for a good time.

Patient and passive by nature, Once-ler tried to handle it the best he could. He´d politely tell the man to please maybe clean up after himself, to mind the curfew, to quiet down a little during the late hours. Greed would wave it off, replying that he´d see to it, but nothing about his behavior would ever change. All that was left for Once-ler was to let out a defeated sigh and do the job himself, cleaning up the messes left behind by his dormmate´s companions and quietly reciting his studies in his head every other night, hoping it would tune out the creaks of the mattress and moans sounding from a few feet away. He was about to come to terms with the fact that this is how things were going to go for the next few years. But even the meekest of people have a breaking point.

For him, it was when he came back after a particularly tedious lecture, walking straight into the kitchen to soothe his growling stomach with a quick snack, barely able to stand on his legs from exhaustion. To his immense displeasure, the meal he´d prepared the day before had mysteriously disappeared, and so had several bags of his favorite brand of marshmallows. Clenching his teeth, he dropped onto his bed without looking, and noticed too late the pair of some stranger ´s underwear lying on his mattress for some reason.

A frustrated groan sounded from his throat, soon turning into an enraged scream as he stomped into the bathroom where Greed was busying himself with his hair, and threw said underwear straight into his face.

“Dude,” the sportsman said after a few seconds of shock, throwing the piece of cloth away from him “what the fuck was that?”

“I could ask you the same thing! I´ve had it with you and your bullshit! Do you and your buddies have to behave like complete assholes every day?”

Greed gave him a nonchalant look, which only enraged Once-ler more.

“I´m talking about the messes you make constantly, and the fact that I haven´t had a good night of sleep this whole week! Can´t you fuck somewhere else? Can´t you put away your laundry and wash the dishes for once? Can you not tell your stupid friends to keep their hands off of my food?!”

“Ah, that´s what you mean. Fine, I´ll tell them, geez. Not something to throw such a fit over.”

“Maybe for you it isn´t. But some people aren´t happy about living in a pigsty! You either start acting like a normal person, keep this place clean and move your nightly orgies to somewhere else, or go rent a single room, because I´m this close to reporting you! I want to be able to sleep in peace in the room I pay for with my own money, for God´s sake!”

Despite being taken aback by his usually mellow dormmate´s sudden outburst, Greed rolled his eyes, crossing his arms before his chest.

“Look, I need to wind down after a long day on the field, alright? The games are hard, and that´s my way of relaxation. Can´t you just get earmuffs or something?”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Once-ler hissed, voice dripping with venom as he tried his hardest to not strangle the other instantly. “Running back and forth and throwing a ball around. That must be so terribly stressful.”

“As if you´d know,” Greed snarled, “You just sit on your ass inside this room all day, and probably wouldn´t be able to run twenty feet without passing out.”

The two men stared at each other, fuming in silence, until suddenly, an idea formed in the sportsman´s head, evident by the snide smile appearing on his face.

“Listen,” he drawled out, “how about a bet?”

“I´m really not in the mood for that right now.”

“Just hear me out: since you think what I´m doing is so easy, why don´t we have a race? If you can beat me- no, if you can at least somewhat keep up with me, I´ll move out of this dorm, and you won´t see my face around here ever again.”

“And if I lose?” Once-ler responded after a moment of careful thinking. Greed´s widening grin should have been enough to deter him from agreeing to his terms. In fact, he should have told him to go screw himself and report his behavior to the resident assistant. But there was a part of him that wanted to wipe that cocky expression off his face and pay him back for every single sleepless night he had subjected him too.

It went about as well as one can imagine, and as he lay on the ground after stumbling over his own legs, he wished the fall would´ve broken his neck, a preferable option to what he was about to be subjected to later…

“Well, what are you waiting for? Put it on.”

The commanding voice pulled Once-ler back into the present, and with a shudder and a crestfallen gaze, he once again took in his surroundings. Greed had ordered him to come to one of the changing rooms after his afternoon football training. Why he needed him in this stuffy, cold location that smelled like someone had overdosed on body spray, he had no idea. Probably to make this whole ordeal more embarrassing for him. At least the sportsman had been generous enough not to invite his teammates to laugh along with him.

Pressing his lips together, Once-ler lowered his head, regarding the two-piece outfit he was holding in a deadly grip. It was a cheerleading uniform, consisting of a pleated skirt and a short, sleeveless top that had the name of his college´s football team written on the front. He stared at it like one would at his worst enemy, then slowly turned his gaze to Greed, still refusing to believe that this was happening.

“Do I really have to do this?” he questioned in a desperate tone, watching as the other made himself comfortable on the bench he had taken a seat on.

“Of course,” the man replied in a falsely sweet voice, crossing his legs. “We agreed to the terms of the bet, right? And you lost, so now you gotta do as I tell you.”

Once-ler´s shoulders slumped from the heavy realization that Greed was being completely serious.

“But-“

“Don´t make such a big deal about it, the sooner you do it, the quicker you´ll be over with it.”

The amused tone those words were said in made it obvious that his dormmate was having an awful lot of fun, and it made Once-ler clutch the material of the clothes even tighter, eyes shooting daggers at the other.

“This is childish,” he hissed, shaking his head. “You´re acting like a complete jerk. I get it, you won. You´re better than me. Dozens of people have seen me fall on my face in the middle of the football field, and you and your buddies are not going to let that go until we´re out of college. Haven’t you humiliated me enough? Do you really-“

“Now, Oncie, don´t be like that. You wouldn´t be going back on your word, would you? It´s one thing to be a lousy sportsman, but to break a promise…”

Greed rested his chin on his hand, staring at the other intently, and demanded once again, less playfully this time:

“Just put on the clothes.”

A strange shiver went up Once-ler´s spine at the cold trace of dominance in the other´s voice, and he averted his eyes, suddenly not able to stand his glare. Really, though, he was right. He´d just get it out of his way, leave, and pretend it never happened. Or rather, remember it forever and be tormented by the memory every night for the rest of his life.

“Fine,” he muttered under his breath, shooting worried glances at the door. “But you won´t, like, record it or anything? And there aren´t any of your friends outside, waiting to barge in and laugh at me?”

“Of course not! No one´s ever around here this time of day. Besides, what kind of guy to you take me for?”

Once-ler just scoffed at that remark, deciding not to answer. As he was about to take off his shirt, he noticed that Greed showed no intention of looking away or closing his eyes, so he turned around, taking a deep breath before throwing off his clothes and starting to dress up.

“Where did you even get these from?” he asked during the process, having a hard time squeezing himself into the top that was obviously too tight for him. Which wasn´t surprising, considering that these clothes were made for young women much smaller than him.

“Don´t you worry about it. Turn around, get over here.”

Exhaling sharply through his nose, regretting every decision in his life that had led him to this moment, Once-ler faced his tormentor, unwilling steps carrying him forward. He was expecting the other to cackle like a hyena to the point of stomachaches, but was met with nothing of that sort.

Greed´s insufferable grin waned a little, and instead of laughing out loud he stared his dormmate up and down, gaze getting stuck at the long legs only barely covered by the scant skirt and the exposed midriff. He leaned forward with a whistle.

“Well, damn. That doesn´t look too bad. Willing to bet that my team wouldn´t ever lose a single game if we had you cheering for us in that get-up.”

Flushing at that comment, Once-ler reached for the skirt´s hem and pulled it downwards, embarrassment clear on his face.

“Ha. Very funny. Are you quite done? Can I change back now?”

“Nuh uh. You´re not done yet,” the running back replied, smugly wagging his finger. “What have we agreed upon? If you lose, you put on the uniform… and do a little cheer dance. Don´t tell me you´ve forgotten?”

Once-ler gritted his teeth. Of course he hadn´t forgotten, but he´d hoped the other wouldn´t remember. Again, luck wasn´t on his side. How was he supposed to do that, anyway? He couldn´t even do normal dances, much less gymnastic ones. When he voiced his concerns to Greed, the man just shrugged.

“Just improvise. You´re one of those creative artistic people, so it should be easy for you.”

“That´s not really how it works…”

Wondering whether the other would have held his word were he the one in this situation, Once-ler begrudgingly began to move, staring at his feet to not bear the other´s gaze. His motions were pretty sluggish, and consisted mostly of him swaying lightly from side to side, with a sour expression. It caused Greed to raise his eyebrows critically.

“You know, you´re supposed to do a cheer dance. That doesn´t look very cheerful to me. Can´t you do something that´s a bit nicer to look at?”

“Nicer to look at? What the hell do you expect me to do?” Once-ler angrily snapped at his dormmate as he came to a halt, patience wearing thin. He was already fed up with the other´s behavior, feeling like he was taking this too far. Sure, they had a bet, but Greed really was going out of his way to make it as difficult as possible. How damn childish could that guy be?!

The sportsman, however, didn´t seem to be phased by the other´s rough tone, still staring at him with a strange glint behind his eyes.

“Why not try shaking your hips? That always gets the players motivated,” he purred, and Once-ler, wanting to put an end to it all, swallowed his pride and obeyed. Not that there was much left of it at this point.

However, while he did feel like a complete idiot, there was something else as well, an unexpected sensation that made his face heat up from something other than embarrassment. It was the way Greed´s gaze travelled all over his body, lingering on ever bit of skin. The way he leaned forward, almost seeming hypnotized by how the pleated skirt swung from side to side with each of his dormmates motions, sometimes flashing way more than what would be considered modest. The rhythmic sound of his fingers tapping against the bench, the sight of his teeth sinking into his bottom lip.

What was that all about? And why did he feel like burning up under those mossy-greens, skin breaking out in goosebumps from a sudden wave of excitement washing over him?

Maybe it was because he, for some reason, became aware of the other´s attractiveness in that very moment. Before that, he´s never really had the chance to notice it, mostly because Greed´s insufferable behavior oftentimes detracted from whatever good qualities he possessed. But now, with him sitting in silence, radiating something far more intense and captivating than his usual cockiness, all of his perks shone through in an instant. And God, there were many of them.

“Well, there has to be a reason why he gets this much traction every single week,” a small voice in the back of Once-ler´s head whispered, and despite his best efforts, he could not get it to shut up. He thought back to the many nights he he´d spent awake because of the noises his roommate´s partners had made, and it caused his mind to travel to much darker places on its own. He recalled getting up a night for some water, only to catch a glimpse of Greed pushing some guy against the wall, wrapping his fingers around his neck, calling him his pretty boy as the other writhed underneath him in visible ecstasy.

The resurfacing memory made Once-ler hold his breath for a little too long, legs beginning to shake as he became aware of the direction his thoughts were taking, of how wrong this whole situation now seemed. That moment would´ve been the right time to stop, to tell Greed that he´s had enough and leave, preferably to a place where he wouldn´t have to be around his roommate for a while. But he couldn´t. There was a part of Once-ler that wanted to keep this terrible man´s attention on him, one that made him want to tempt a little more, to find out just how much it took to make Greed do more than just stare.

What would he do, if he were to tease him that much? Get all mean, make some raunchy comments, maybe even bend him over his knee in this same dressing room, lift up that skirt and spank the bad behavior out of him? Or hold him down by his throat, like he did with that other boy, have him crying and gasping from his touch?

A frustrated sound left Once-ler´s mouth, and he forced himself to snap out of it, keep these thoughts from further fogging his mind. Only now did he notice how shallow his breaths have suddenly become, his trembling hands and racing heart, the fact he´d been eating Greed up with a half-lidded gaze this entire time…

“That´s enough, I think,” he managed to stutter out, running a sweaty palm through his hair nervously. “You had your fun. I´m leaving.”

“You sure you wanna go?” the other replied huskily, looking as devious as ever. “Because it seems like I´m not the only one having fun here.”

Light-headed, Once-ler followed his eyes, his face turning pale only to burst into color a second later when he realized that this situation had excited him way more than it should´ve had.

He let out a yelp, covering himself and looking away in shame, gritting his teeth as his dormmates low chuckle echoed throughout the room. And if that wasn´t enough, he felt the man tugging at the hem of the skirt, roughly pulling it up and exposing the hardened dick throbbing beneath tight boxer briefs.

Once-ler opened his mouth to protest, but no sound other than a small whimper would come out, and he couldn´t even bring himself to push the other´s hand away, instead only watching him flick his tongue over his lip.

“Oh my… someone enjoyed dancing for me a lot. What´s the matter? Does little Oncie-Woncie have a crush on the running back?”

“Sh-shut up,” the blue-eyed man weakly shot back, not sounding threatening at all.

“You can just step away, you know. If you keep standing here like that, I might get the idea that you want me to do something bad to you,” Greed purred, fingertips lightly brushing over the bare legs as he hungrily looked back up to his roommate. “What´s it gonna be?”

The man´s words did something to him, body being shaken by a pleasant shudder as he leaned forward into the touch, heated skin aching for more contact. His clothes felt much too tight, already leaking length straining against the fabric of his underwear, and despite his better judgement screaming at him from somewhere in the back of his mind, he remained in place. Paralyzed like prey before a beast, wondering how far the other would go.

Thus, he didn´t struggle when the other grabbed him by the waist and pulled him onto his lap, making him straddle it. Greed didn´t waste any time admiring the view in silence, cold hands wandering downward, kneading the soft flesh of his roommate´s thighs before having them disappear beneath the thin material of the skirt. The way they traced the shape of his hips and the small curve of his ass forced a whimper out of his mouth, and Greed took that as an invitation to let the tip of his fingers slip under the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down with ease. Humming lowly, the running back stroked the underside of the erect member with his index finger, all the way upwards to the tip, where he rubbed it against the wet slit.

“My, I had no idea you felt this way about me. No wonder you were always so pissed about inviting people over, it´s cause you were jealous, weren´t you?” he sang, leaning towards the other to lick a bead of sweat off the underside of his jaw, teeth lightly pulling on the skin there right after. It made Once-ler clasp a hand over his mouth in an attempt to stifle another moan, and his defiant expression began to melt away with each small touch.

“As if-” he countered, voice breaking off into a sweet sigh when the sportsman´s fingers waltzed across the small of his back. “As if anyone would get jealous about an utter asshole like you. You´re the worst.”

Greed replied with a scoff, wrapping his fingers around the other´s member and giving it a few firm pumps, grinning in satisfaction at how it made Once-ler gasp and squirm in his lap.

“Then why the fuck did you get this hard from shaking your ass for me, huh? Because you are a little freak who´s into being ordered around and has the hots for me, obviously,” he mouthed back, suckling at the nape of that delicate neck as he pulled the trembling body even closer. “So drop the good boy act and behave.”

Those words went right through the blue-eyed man´s already aching loins, and not even the pout on his furiously blushing face and an attempt at an angry glare could hide how he was really feeling.

“Jerk,” was all that he could whimper, followed by a scream when Greed suddenly bit his nipple through the fabric of his tight top, brushing his lips along the narrow chest afterwards.

“Slut,” came the murmured reply as the running back fumbled with the fly of his pants, showing off the sizable bulge in his underwear the sight of which made Once-ler drop any attempt to counter his remark. “Someone might hear you if you keep being this noisy.”

“I thought no one´s around here this time of day,” the man on Greed´s lap quietly replied, holding his breath as the other took him by the wrist and, after getting his own boxers out of the way, guided his hand towards his manhood. It was hot, felt too large between Once-ler´s thin fingers, and the way it throbbed against his palm made his blood burn in the best possible way.

“That screaming of yours might still attract someone´s attention. Imagine that, getting caught jerking off a football player in the changing room… my, you´d surely get a lot of attention afterwards. I´d have to have to fight off your ‘suitors’ by the dozens,” he heard the other whisper, while his hand was being moved up and down the erect length that he couldn´t take his eyes off. “Like what you´re looking at, baby? Bet you´d much rather have that inside you, though.”

The hot air of his dormmates breath hitting the shell of his ear sent a quiver through his body, and he pressed himself against the other to keep that heat close. Something about the scent of Greed´s aftershave and his strong grip on the small of his back made him feel so, so unbearably needy. He couldn´t stand that guy and hated that smug expression of his, but damn if he didn´t want to steal some low, raspy moans from those lips, along with a kiss or two and some saccharine words of praise. Sure, he would be far from the first one to get to hear those, but he didn´t care at that point, beginning to compliantly pump the other´s dick with steady movements on his own. The action had the desired result, making Greed groan through his teeth and return the gesture with the same intensity while keeping his sight trained on his roommate´s face, taking in every twitch of his mouth and flutter of his eyelashes.

“You know, you´re really cute when you´re not constantly nagging about something,” he panted, lightly dragging his nails across the other´s spine along with his strokes. “You should join the cheer team for real, keep the players motivated. Can´t promise I won´t keep my hands to myself if you distract me too much, though.”

“God, you´re… ah- just so awful,” the blue-eyed man´s voice trailed off when he felt Greed´s tongue flick over his earlobe. Desperate for the other to touch him harder, he thrusted his hips forward, whimpering when the motion caused their cocks to touch.

“For someone that hates me this much, you sure look like you´re having a great time sitting on my lap.”

The running back wrapped his fingers around both of them, bringing their mouths close together but stopping just short of a kiss, smiling at how desperately the other was staring at his lips.

“Earn it,” Once-ler heard him order.

It was enough to make him give in, make him wrap his arms around the man´s neck for support as he steadily ground against him, fucking himself into his hand. The other´s heat was coursing through him with every movement he made, and he couldn´t help but pull on the back of his shirt, panting from how good the friction felt. It only intensified when Greed tightened his grip around the two of them, running his fingers through Once-ler´s hair with a slight pull.

“Pretty,” he softly murmured as he brought the tip of his tongue against his roommate´s mouth, having a taste before finally clashing their lips together.

Greed´s were warm and a little wet, with a talented tongue that sent sparks of pleasure through the blue-eyed man´s veins, caused him to rut against his tormentor like an animal in heat, eyes falling shut and limbs growing weak. As the room echoed with both their moans, he could feel himself getting closer to release, and it took just a few more thrusts- a few more of the running back´s touches- for climax to set in. His head fell forward, coming to rest on other´s shoulder, and he let out a muffled cry when the long-awaited sensation swept over him.

That little sound along with how his body shook with pleasure was just what was needed to push Greed over the edge as well; he groaned in delight, sinking his teeth into Once-ler´s neck again to suck on the creamy skin, catching the hot spurts of their cum in his palm.

Afterwards, it took a while for them to come down from their high, and even when their heartbeats slowed and breathing evened out, they didn´t distance themselves from each other, remaining in place as they were.

A long moment of silence followed during which Once-ler had a hard time deciding what he was supposed to be more shocked by: the fact that he´s just had a sexual encounter with his insufferable roommate, or that he had enjoyed every second of it?

Face still hidden in embarrassment as he tried to come to terms with the situation, he brought his fingers to the spot on his neck Greed had so lovingly bitten.

“If you´ve given me a hickey I´m going to fucking kill you,” he muttered, hearing the other chuckle in reply.

“Consider me a dead man, then. Besides, you should get used to those. Your performance is still lacking, and we´ll need more dancing practice to fix that, love.”

To that, Once-ler could do nothing but let out a frustrated sigh. Somehow, he had the feeling that he wasn´t going to get a good night of rest anytime soon.

#onceler #once-ler #oncest #oncelerxgreedler #n/sfw #fanfiction

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shikamarubae · 5 years ago

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War of the heart pt3

Pairing: Kakashi x reader, Itachi x reader

Summary: In Konoha they have already realized your kidnapping and they need a plan.

Warnings: Some swearing, some angst

A/N: English isn´t my first languge, please keep that in mind, i hope you like it.(i appreciate comments and criticism).

The parts in italics are memories/dreams with memories.

Tags: @flowersgirl02 , @affection-rabbit , @dumb-dork

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Kakashi was angry, mainly at himself, you had not returned to Konoha and when his dogs tried to track you down they failed, the grove where he had last seen you was empty, your blood dried on the ground but the dogs found no trace, it was as if you vanished. The man was grateful that Naruto was traveling with Jiraiya, because otherwise he would be creating a scandal that would make him feel worse, because he saw how you looked at him when you fell to the ground, sad and disappointed, would you have left of your own free will?

-Let's go back-Genma was still determined to find a trace but they had to return to officially report their disappearance and decide what to do and it was raining, looking for more didn't make sense, the remaining trail would be about to be erased. The gray-haired man closed his eyes for a few seconds, feeling the rain, you liked it, you had told him many times, you liked the smell that storms brought and the one they left after.

"I can't believe you left her alone," the long-haired man murmured, Kakashi didn't say anything because he was right, he also couldn't believe that his irrational anger with her had caused all that -What were you thinking Kakashi?

Again there was no response from the gray-haired man and Gemma kept pressing -You know, (YN) said something to me a few weeks ago, that you didn't want to be serious with her and that's why you had discussed. Did you let that interfere up to this point ?

-Of course it´s like her to tell the world that kind of things - he replied tiredly, avoiding the rest of the question.

-It´s not something that only she does, we are friends and after finding her crying i forced her to tell me, I don't know how your relationship worked but it was destroying her.

Kakashi didn´t answer, the silence seemed to be his best answer and thus he kept it all the way back to Konoha, he had never wanted the type of relationship he had with the you to be discussed by the village, because he was not even sure what kind of relationship did he wanted , but of course with you things never worked as one wanted and that was one of the reasons why Kakashi despite loving you in some way, he couldn´t bear with you on certain occasions.

"If (YN) was her sweet-self all the time, i wouldn´t have those doubts" that´s where Kakashi´s mind arrived, because after all, it was that side of you that had made him surrender to you.

You were going up and down in the small apartment, you were remarkably busy, so Kakashi decided to stay at the window watching what you were doing until you noticed or you were done.

-Kakashi-senpai, what are you doing there?

-Naruto forgot her things-he said entering the apartment-and you don't have to call me Senpai, we are no longer in ANBU.

You smiled at the comment and nodded.

-Of course he forgot, I think he hardly slept because of how excited he is -you said smiling as you finished packing food in various boxes.

-Do you think he will pass?- He asked, leaning on the kitchen counter, arms folded. You nodded again.

-If you have recommended them for the exam is because they, I trust your criteria.

-Do not trust my criteria, trust their abilities.

-Isn't that what your criteria is based on?-You asked finally finishing packing everything and giving it to him.

-What is this?- He asked confused.

-It is four food rations, three for the boys and one for you, I know that these exams are not easy for them or for you.

For some reason you had blushed while giving him the food and it was difficult for you to look at him in the eyes, with effort you raised your eyes and found his visible eye in the shape of a crescent moon, his free hand rested on your head -So sweet (YN)...

The comment made you blush even more and you looked at the floor, his hand still on your head, stroking your hair, you smiled nervously and pointed to one of the doors-Naruto's things are in his room.

Kakashi rubbed his face, why had he remembered that while waiting for Tsunade to receive them? His head kept spinning, "had i really treated (YN) so bad?"

-Kakashi have you heard?

-No, this ..... I was thinking-he apologized while Iruka continued talking, not only was Gemma angry with him, Iruka was also, although he didn't say it. If Naruto was like his son, (YN) was like his sister.

-ANBU returning from a mission found this-pointed the Hokage towards the table, on it a bloody sword and next to it a piece of cloth- the problem is that it was very far from the area where (YN) was supposed to be and there are other scents.

-Then ... she did not leave on her own-Iruka concluded what everyone thought-Are you going to create a search party?

The Hokage nodded-I'll send team 8.

-Not me?

-I'm sorry, Kakashi, but it's the best team to track a missing person.

-Add me to the team -he protested leaning on the table- it's my responsibility, I'm the one who left her there.

-Kakashi is right-said Iruka. Kurenai can't handle it, she has to deal with ...

-All right, you will leave tomorrow, in the found objects there is still a trace of the other people so I will find her , don't worry.

The man went straight to his apartment, he didn't want to meet anybody else, he didn't want any more questions or comments about what happened, he thought of going to the hospital to see how Yona was, but he didn't feel like it either. When he opened the door to the apartment, the darkness and the emptiness hit him, since Naruto was not in Konoha, the normal thing was that you would have stayed with him and when he opened the door you would turn on all the lights quickly to go to the kitchen, open the fridge and scold him for having it empty or if you had not arrived together, you would already be there, perched on the sofa, eating something and reading a book and then you would tell him the whole story several times and repeat yourself more than necessary because you always lost yourself in your own narration.

Kakashi didn't understand why he was starting to miss it at that moment, when he had had plenty of time to do it, it had been weeks or maybe even two months since your last discussion, which ended it all.

Maybe it was because he kept seeing you around the village and knew you were safe, that he had not thought about the solitude of the apartment, because despite the endless discussions you had always come back and deep down, maybe he assumed that this time was the same.

Kakashi was disappointed, you knew, he always looked at you like that when something similar happened, his expression of boredom replaced by disgust and disappointment, not wanting to speak to you, but you continued.

-I don't want to see you near me again, you understand?- You almost shouted at the boy in the face, he looked at you trembling and nodded nervously before turning and leaving quickly, people around you looked and murmured by the scene they just witnessed "WHAT?" You said loud, looking around and everyone continued with their things.

When the boy was out of your sight, Kakashi wasn't there either, you found him a few minutes later in his apartment.

-I thought we were going to eat together.

His usual bored expression back, you stood leaning against the door, his body language told you he didn't want you to come in, you clenched your fists ready to get mad at him, but he spoke first.

-Don't throw a tantrum on me (YN) I don't have time for that.

-You have nothing to do for two days or at least you said that three hours ago.

-I changed my mind-with the book in his hand he started to close the door but you stopped him with your foot, opening it and going inside, to the clear chagrin of the man who was pinching the bridge of his nose clearly reluctantly.

-Is this change in attitude because I rejected that guy a while ago?

-Aren't you able to see what you've done wrong?

-I'm not a kid, don't talk to me like you're educating me, besides, shouldn't you be jealous or something like that?

Kakashi's expression was unreadable at the time, he simply denied as if giving up and dropped onto the sofa reading his book-You can come back when you realize, until then, goodbye, close the door well when you leave.

Fed up with his attitude you threw your bag at his face, making him put the book aside -What's your fucking problem? -You yelled exasperated by the situation, all you wanted was a quiet date on your day off and in the end you finished like that.

-My problem is this, you can't be cruel to someone just because they ask for a date and then come and yell and throw things at me -he said getting up and filling the door to open it, standing aside, as a gesture for you to leave.

-It's the fifth time this week that this guy is chasing me to "ask me on a date", sometimes it´s necessary to be cruel with assholes who don't understand no, so fuck off Kakashi, I have every right to shout and get mad-you walked even the door facing him-you are the one who is being irrational and I don't understand it -you went out on the landing and he closed the door without saying anything else- sometimes I don't understand you-you murmured before leaving, confused, angry and sad.

That had been one of the infinite discussions you had, but you always fixed it, except for the last one, despite that Kakashi kept finding your things around his apartment, books, some glasses for the tea that you had brought, a kettle, the toothbrush , spare clothes...everything was as if at any moment you were going to walk through the door and hug him or complain about something and again Kakashi, while taking one of your books, wondered why he had taken so long to miss you and feel that nostalgia.

He took the bookmark inside, it was a craft that Naruto had given you many years ago, it was shrill as the boy but adorned with daisies, he removed it from the book and put it in his jacket - I'm going to find you.

#Kakashi #Itachi #Kakashi x reader #Itachi x reader #Hatake Kakashi #Naruto #Genma #Iruka #Fanfic #Scenario #War of the heart pt3

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seapandora · 4 years ago

Text

Illusion Part 2

Illusion｜Part 2/?

Bucky x oc!Lori

Warnings: Angst, betrayal, swearing, torture, (suicide is mentioned once), violence

A/N: So here´s a very late part 2. I´ve decided to put the total number of chapters as a question mark for now seeing as I don´t think I have the potential to post chapters that are 10k. I just don’t have the time or backstrength to revise 10k words in one go. So there will be more and shorter chapters instead. I hope you guys like it! Don’t forget to check out part 1! And share/comment/like if you enjoyed! GIF-cred to owner! Oh, and I'm doing tag lists now! Send me a message if you want to be on it! Chapters 3, 4, and 5 should be up soon at least, I'm currently on a bit of a break, but once I'm back I'll have more time to revise and write!

Summary: Reader is a supersoldier, one of a number, one of nine. Hydra´s backup for the asset. The group was started in 1974 and has been working under the radar, training for the day when the asset no longer exists. Y/N is the only one left. Left in a cryo, she wasn’t discovered until 2023 when a certain captain and his buddy found her.

Words: 6077

Taglist: @selfsun

2024

Four weeks had passed since Lori arrived at the compound from Wakanda. It had been three months, more or less, since she was thawed out from her cryo-sleep. She felt more at home in the compound and she felt more comfortable with the rest of the team. It was now October. Autumn had brought clouds, and rain. The world was silent and didn’t have much need for the Avengers at the time. Lori had been wih the team on two missions so far. Neither was very dangerous. They hadn´t faced any serious enemies, and she had yet to fire her weapon at an enemy.

It had been made clear that she worked well with the team. Bucky and her were synchronized on a different level, and she worked well with Sam as well. The two could joke around and have fun on the missions, without it distracting them. Lori had also begun to talk more with Bucky, but she was still set on calling him James. They would have all meals of the day together, unless Bucky was away on a mission. And if he was Lori would eat on her own. The other agents working with them had big issues with yet another super-soldier. Someone who had worked for Hydra. They didn’t want a redo of what had happened with Shield.

Lori could understand them. She had spent countless evenings reading up on the Avengers, and anything involved with them. She had started as far back as Steve and Buckys time in the army. She adored the man Bucky had been back then. She adored how willing he was to follow his captain, even give his life for him. She could see a shadow of that man still in him. But years of punishment and pain from Hydra had changed him.

Next she had researched Shield. She had found out about Peggy Carter and the Starks. Of course she knew of the Starks. She had been set to step in, should Bucky fail to take their lives. He had been successful, as the whole world knew, and Lori had been kept secret from the world. The day after Christmas the same year she had ben put in the cryostasis chamber and forgotten. Her reasearch had taken her through the 90´s and early 2000´s. She had read files on all the former Avengers during the timeperiod and had asked Sam and Bucky to fill in where the files didn’t have answers.

Lori avoided tabloids and articles surrounding Shield, Hydra and the Avengers. She preferred facts over debates. Her days were spent in the filing rooms where she could find information. Sam and Bucky often tried to drag her out of the room, for runs or an hour in the gym. Sam didn’t always like running with Bucky and Lori, but he appreciated when they altered their pace to adjust for him. That way he didn’t feel like he was always left behind.

Lori had become a very good friend to Sam. He trusted her, and she was hardworking. Something he appreciated. She was also good with him, and Bucky, joking around a lot. They could be harsh with each other, but Lori didn’t seem to bother, or be too concerned about their joking. She had joined in a few times anyways. Lori liked the banter and joking. The relationship she had with the two men was so open and she felt happy around them. Happiness, that was an interesting feeling. It had been long since she felt happy and it had scared her in the beginning, but not anymore.

It had been a slow afternoon as Lori was buried in piles of files and boxes. She wanted as much details as she could comprehend about the past 30 years of the Avengers, Shield, and Hydra. She was trying to find out why Hydra had left her all alone in the bunker. The answers were no where to be found. Up until she was found, she didn’t even seem to exist. Searcheds for her name had turned up nothing. No articles, reports, or anything online or in the files. Never had she felt so alone, so unwanted.

Bucky stuck his head through the door and cleared his throat to make Lori aware of his presence. “Hey, it´s almost 8, you wanna come up and eat with us? It´s movie night,” Bucky explained and walked over to her, looking over her shoulder at the files. He moved some of them finding a picture of himself from the 1940´s. He was in a dark blue coat with a rifle in his hand. He froze as he saw the smiling man in the picture. That was 80 years ago, give or take.

Lori looked up at him and frowned. “Let´s go James,” She said and patted his arm before she walked to the door, and turned the lights off. Bucky followed her once he had put the picture down. “Have you found out anything more?” He asked her as they came out into the light of the corridor, walking towards the elevator. Lori shook her head and sighed. “It´s like I don’t exist at all. My birth certificate is there but nothing from that point. No information, no articles, absolutely nothing. It´s like I just ceased to exist.” She muttred.

“Did you try to look up your mother or friends?” Bucky asked. “I tried at least, she either died or changed her name, same goes with my friends.” She shrugged. It had pained her in the beginning but not so much anymore. She had never forgotten her mother, but during her time in Hydra she had stopped thinking about her in order to keep her thoughts safe and free of want and longing.

Bucky nudged her as they walked. “If you don’t stop spacing out on me, I´ll have to bring Wanda to see whats going on in that head of yours,” he teased her. They took a turn to the right, into the kitchen. Lori laughed and shook her head. “No sorry. I´ll try not to space out anymore today” she promised and smiled at Bucky. He laughed with her and sat down by the kitchen island pulling on a carton with pizza in it. “Care to share Lori?” He asked and slid the pizza-box a bit to his right where Lori sat down.

“Is it regular pizza? Or the superior Kebabpizza?” She asked. Of course she had decided to catch up on some Swedish history from the years she had missed. One of the things she had missed was something called a Kebabpizza. She had gone to the nearest pizzeria and asked for one. She had paid a fine prize for it but she had loved it.

Bucky had been terrified when she told him about it, Sam too. They hadn´t been as terrified as when they saw her gulp one whole Kebabpizza in one go, but rather, impressed. “I´m sorry, Americans have done much. But we didn’t start, whatever the hell, that amazing pizza is. But yes it´s Kebabpizza for the miss. Now come here and eat,” Bucky said and pushed the stool besides him out for her.

Lori sat down besided him and grabbed a slice of the pizza for herself. She grabbed a soda can as well and held it out for Bucky to open, which he did without question. The two had really learnt how to work in harmony. It was easier now that Lori had become more used to them all, and more open to being around them as well. “So Wanda, whats on tonight?” Lori asked and looked over at the one she was the closest too, apart from Bucky and Sam. Wanda shrugged and smiled at her. “I was planning on seeing Skyfall, it’s a Bond-movie. They were a thing when you were younger right?” Wanda asked.

“So old mister Connery is still in business?” She asked and raised an eyebrow at the people in front of her. They all seemed to be very confused. “What? He isn´t dead is he?” She frowned and looked to Sam, her go to for information about celebrities. “I don’t know about that, but you must have missed out on a lot of Bond movies, Connery´s last was in 71. Roger Moore took over from 73,” Sam explained as he looked at her. “Right now, well up until recently, the role was played by Daniel Craig, I think you´ll like it” he continued and smiled.

Bucky patted her arm. “Relax, when I came too there was something called cellphones. I think you can handle a different Bond,” he teased her and chuckled. She shrugged but gave in and nodded. “I´m sure this Daniel guy is good, as long as he´s good looking the plot is less important,” she explained. All the James Bond movies she had seen had more or less the same plot.

“Incoming call from Peter Parker,” The disembodied voice of Friday sounded through the kitchen making all four of them look up in confusion. Peter hadn´t called since one of Lori´s first days and as far as they knew he was away, working in Europe or so. There was no reason for him to call the avengers, so why was he?

Sam picked up the call quickly and announced all of their presence for it. “Okay so I just got back from Europe two days ago, and apparently there was this dude waiting for me here in New York. Like he doesn’t know who I am but he has beef with Spider-Man I suppose, and yeah that’s me. But I can´t shake him off, and I don’t want to lead him towards May, so you know… I kind of need a bit of help,” the young man all but shouted into the phone. Friday thankfully lowered the volume of the call.

Sam had taken a visible step back at Peters voice and let out a breath. “Hey, relax man. Where are you? We´ll come out, meet you, and lead whoever is hunting you away from May and New York City okay?” He said and crossed his arms over his chest. They could all hear how hard Perers breath was as he swung through the city. “Uhh, yeah sure, I´m swinging back and forth across 5th. North and south, it’s a weird monster,” he explained before the call was cut right then and there. “Okay team, suit up. Jet leaves in five minutes, chop chop.” Sam said and ran off to the weapons room with Bucky and Lori while Wanda ran off to her room to get her famous coat. So much for movie-night, Lori thought.

Bucky and Lori arrived in the weaponry first considering they were faster than Sam. They grabbed their guns from the shelves and made sure they were all loaded and ready to go before they grabbed extra ammo. Lori also grabbed some of Natashas widow bites. They could always come in handy and they were small, hence not ahindrence to her. She grabbed the Captains shield and tossed it to Sam before she looked over at Bucky seeing him strap on his M249.

There was something beautiful and calming about it to Lori. She had seen him get ready before, but it never ceased to amaze her. He made it seem so easy, as if it was just an extension of him, a part of him. She had always worked to be as good as him with weapons. But she wasn’t nearly as good.

1972

She had been locked into her little cell once more, and she didn’t know how long she had been there. She was guessing weeks by now. Before the experiments she had received food twice a day, now she hadn´t received food in forever, and yet she wasn’t hungry. Not much anyways. The room was as cold as it had been before but it wasn’t affecting her anymore. The clothes she had gotten helped keep her temperature up. She had seen some changes in her body, her muscles had grown and were more defined now.

The door to her cell was unlocked and she looked up from her corner. There wasn’t any food with the men and they attempted to pick her up but she kicked and punched her way out of their grips. They held up their guns and she raised her hands. She didn’t want to fight them, but she could walk on her own. They grabbed her by her arms but allowed her to walk. They guided her and they weren´t very gentle with her but she didn’t care as she was taken into an open room with a strange-looking machine in the middle.

A man sat in the chair. He was breathing hard. The men holding her pulled her towards the other side of the room and through another door. There was a table laid out which they strapped her too, tightly. They hadn´t used belts this time, but handcuffs and wires instead. Of to her right side she could see windows, but they looked to have been covered up from the outside. Streams of cold air could still be felt from that side of the room. When Lori turned her head to the right she could see a large number of machines. Machines she would have never been able to name, or explain the use off.

Someone took a hold of her head and tied something over her throat, and then over her forhead, stopping Lori from moving her head side to side. She tried to scream but her mouth was stuffed by something she hadn´t seen and therefor couldn´t identify. She could still make noise, but it was muffled by whatever was in her mouth. They attached something to the wires around her and she could feel something biting into the skin of her right arm. As something dripped down her arm she realized they had cut her arm open with a knife.

She tried to move, but she was so tighlty strapped in that she ould only move her chest up and down. She screamed and tears rolled down her temples. Maybe the man she had seen in the bigger room would hear her. Maybe he would help her if he could hear her. She was silenced by a powerful shock going through her body. She stopped thinking and couldn’t see for a moment. It was over as quick as it had come over her, and she was struggling to catch her breath.

Lori´s body was on fire. The cool air from the windows did nothing to help her. She could feel the wires around her wrists and ankles, they were burning her skin. Even if she couldn’t see, she was certain the wires would leave marks on her skin. Lori cried out again as the next shock went through her. She wasn’t aware of how long it lasted as she passed out from the pain and shock. What had she done to deserve this? Why were they torturing her?

Her cell was where she woke up. The first thing she did was to look for the marks around her wrists and ankles, and sure enough, there they were. Bright red, and bloody from where she had kicked and strained against them. She touched them gently and whimpered. They were painful, but her head was hurting worse. She didn’t have any memory of what had happened. All she could remember was when she was strapped to a table with belts. But that couldn’t have been this day, it had to have been a long time ago. Belts wouldn´t leave her wrists bloody.

2024

The thing, or monster rather, that was chasing Spider-Man was almost too much for the team to handle. Peter had worn it out a bit though with his constant swinging back and forth. The jet landed on one of the roofs and the four avengers got off as Peter also landed on the roof. “Hey guys, so I don’t know what this dudes problem is. But yeah I need help, and I need to lead him away… And…” Peter rambled and pulled at his mask without taking it off.

“Hey kid, relax. Why don’t you sit tight and we´ll get a look on things,” Bucky said and patted Peters shoulder before leaning over the edge to look down at the streets, and then towards the next roof. He glanced back at Lori and smirked. “How do you feel about jumping?” He asked and backed up on the roof before he took off and jumped over to the next roof. It wasn’t terribly far and it was lower than their current roof. Lori chucked to herself and jumped after him. She rolled into the landing and looked up at Bucky. “Now what? The thing is huge…” She mumbled and placed her hands on the guns by her hips.

If she had more time before they left, she would have tried to alter her bullets and incorporate the widow bites into them. That way they could have worked from the inside of the monster, rather than just the outside. She sighed as she thought about it, but screamed as a large hand picked her up. She tried to grab her guns but couldn’t because of where she was held. She managed to get to her knife however, and stick it in one of the monsters fingers. It didn’t do too much until she twisted it.

The monster released her with a roar, and she was falling. Buildings in New York city are high. It would have taken Lori around 8 seconds to reach the ground, thankfully Sam caught her by the arm and helped her onto the nearest building. “You okay Lori?” He shouted as he began to shoot at the monster, which was now going after Bucky. “I´m fine, we have to help Bucky.” She said and reached up to turn her comms on. “Wanda can you get a hold of the monster? Mess with its mind or something?” She asked her fellow female avenger and looked up to her. She had a habit of taking control on missions, something the others had learned during their two previous missions.

None of the others had seemed to mind. Sam was quite hppy that someone else took charge for once. Considering Lori´s background Sam was happy to have her around. He liked not having to make all the decisions himself. “I can try, I mean I don’t know how his brain works, but keep him distracted!” Wanda exclaimed and floated over to the monster. Lori got up and dusted her self off a bit before she pulled her hair into a bun. It wasn’t pretty, or cute. But it got the job done. She checked her guns to make sure they were still working properly. She didn’t want to blow herself up by accident.

Her guns were fine. She took the safety off before she shouted at the monster on the other roof. Her wish was to get its attention to let Wanda get close. The monster turned its head, and Lori began to shoot at it with both guns. It didn’t seem to do a whole lot, but at least she had the monsters attention. It started to come towards her and she frowned. “Shit, shit, fuck, shit, fuck…” She mumbled and began to back away. She kept her eyes on the monster until she hit the edge of the roof. She glanced behind herself. The others and Peter were watching her. Lori took a deep breath before she emptied the magaizines of her guns into the monster who was at the other side of the roof.

“Lori, what the hell are you doing?” Bucky and Peter asked through her coms at once. She smirked to herself and looked at them both. “Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith,” She answered and threw herself off the building. The monster came straight after her as she had figured it would. It looked over the edge into the barrell of Lori´s guns. “Hello there,” she said before she fired, the speed of the bullets knocking the monster back. The others stopped in their tracks before they too went at the monster. Asking about what Lori´s thought-process was, could wait until they were out and fine. The important thing now was to make sure the monster was taken care off.

Bucky and Sam shot at the monster while Peter and Wanda used their powers to keep the monster down. Lori reloaded her guns for the last time and helped Bucky and Sam shoot at the monster. She was in more pain now, and she had realized the monster had done more damage to her than she had previously thought. She was wheezing a bit as she grabbed at her ribs. They were painfully sore and Lori coughed to clear her throat a bit, which hurt her quite badly. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself and leaned on a structure on the roof.

Wanda held the monster down with her powers and Peter swung around throwing webs at the monsters hands and feet to stop it from moving. It took them just a few seconds to complete their goal. Sam came over to Lori and frowned as he noticed her flinch away. “Okay guys, get ready to leave. I´ll get some agents to take care of this. Peter, are you going to May or with us?” He asked and looked to the onesie-wearing man. Peter shook his head. “I´ll wait here for the agents to arrive. If he were to get lost I´m one of the only who can keep him down. Wanda could you stay as well?” He asked and looked over to the robe wearing woman standing a little farther off. Wanda nodded and smiled at them all before she soared off back to the monster.

Sam helped Lori stand up and she leaned into his side. “Fucking hell,” She mumbled and gripped her side. “Let´s get you back to Helen to check out those ribs of yours,” Sam said quickly and all but carried her to the jet for them to leave. Bucky followed them and kept an eye back on the scene they had just left. They got into the jet and Sam gently sat Lori down on one of the seats. Bucky came over to her with a first aid kit but she just shook her head. “The doctor can check up on me, it isn´t very far,” she said and leaned her head back and sighed heavily. Bucky nodded quickly and shrugged. “I´ll just get you a bottle of water and some super pain killers for now then,” he explained and left her alone for a little bit to get the water and pills.

Lori touched her side and gasped a bit as she arched her back in hopes that it would make the pain more bearable. She would be fine in just a few hours, unless the ribs were broken of course. How she hated broken bones. They were annoying, painful and just took so long to heal, even for someone with supersoldier serum. Bucky came back with the water and pills which Lori swallowed quickly. She coughed as the water went down the wrong pipe. She wiped her mouth and breathed heavly. “Thank you, Bucky,” she mumbled and looked down at her hands. Sam, who was steering them towards the compound let out a chuckle.

“She came around, now everyone calls you Bucky,” he teased his best friend. Lori smirked and shook her head as she leaned her head back again and closed her eyes. She missed the look Bucky gave her. It was a mix of happiness, terror and pride. He was happy Lori called him Bucky, but he was terrified seeing as it made him care more about her. At the same time he was proud at how far she had come from when they found her. She was acclimating to them all, and now Bucky as well it seemed. He looked away quickly to Sam who was smirking at him. He groaned quietly and made a face at Sam before placing his left hand on Lori´s forehead. She hummed in approval of the cold metal agaist her forehead.

“How are you feeling?” Bucky asked quietly and looked at her. She huffed and chuckled a bit. “Like a monster picked me up by the ribs and squeezed,” she teased him and glanced over at him. “Go ahead. Yell at me for my little suicide drop move,” she mumbled and took another sip of water. “I´m not gonna yell at you doll, that ain´t my style. Sam will do that when you´re better. But I´m curious. What where you thinking?” He asked and smiled softly. Lori looked at him and shrugged. “I noticed there was a ledge just down the roof, and I knew it was big enough for me to fall on it safetly, plus we needed the distraction. Peter and Wanda had to get a chance to bring him down.” She explained and shrugged once more.

Bucky shook his head with a smile. “Steve was just like that. Always ready to get himself hurt for others…” he mumbled and looked away for a bit. He really missed his best friend, the man he had grown up with and the man who had saved him more than once. He sighed and looked back to Lori. Of course she was special in his eyes. She was like him in many ways, and he just wanted her to be okay and be able to live a life in freedom. “Yeah, but he was always on the good side,” She answered quietly and furrowed her brows. While she didn’t see a monster in Bucky, she couldn’t help but see one in herself.

The jet landed a few minutes after midnight and Bucky helped Lori out of the back of it. He stayed by her side and let her lean on him, before Helen came up and offered to get Lori a stretcher. Being stubborn as she was she refused and let Bucky help her all the way back to the med-bay. Helen got her a bed to sit down on. “Okay, can you just remove your shirt and I´ll have a feel. We´ll see where we go from there,” she explained and stared at Bucky, waiting for him to leave so they could have some privacy. Lori stared at him too and it took him some time to understand he should leave. “There´s pizza left, I´ll leave you some,” he said before he left the med-bay rubbing his neck.

Lori laughed softly but flinched at the pain shooting through her side. “You know what, just get your shirt off and we´ll take some X-rays of your side, I have a sneaky suspicion those ribs are broken,” Helen sighed and went to get her X-ray machine. It was portable and she could see the bones straight away instead of having to print pictures out. Lori did as she was told and gently raised her arm up seeing some good bruising on her side. “Bucky gave me some super strength pain-killers on the jet. I´m not sure wether they´re working or if they just haven´t kicked in yet,” Lori explained as Helen checked her ribs. “Yeah, well they usually work within half an hour, so call me through Friday if they arent working in 15 minutes. I´ll prescribe you a dose. Don’t take more than 2 at once and only every 4 hours, alright?” Helen said and Lori nodded. “Okay Doc, are they broken? Do I need a bandage or something?” She asked as Helen walked away again. Lori pulled on her shirt now and groaned softly clutching her chest.

“They´re broken alright, but we can´t bandage it or anything so while I´m not gonna put you on bed rest, I suggest you take it easy the next few days or maybe two weeks. Your serum is a little different from Barnes and very different from Steves so I don’t really know how long it´ll take.” Helen explained and smiled at Lori before they both heard the low rumble of thunder. Lori was confused but Helen smiled to herself. “Mind if I join you guys for pizza?” she asked and Lori shrugged. “I don’t mind, but I cant speak for the others but I bet they don’t mind either,” She explained and frowned as another roll of thunder passed by. “That doesn’t sound like normal thunder… I better get back to the others,” she said and got off the bed she had been sitting on. Helen nodded and said she would be with them in a few minutes, she just had to report in the pills she had given to Lori.

1972

Time meant less and less to Lori every second that went by. Had you asked her how long she had been with Hydra she would have answered anything from two weeks to her whole life. Truth was she had been captive for five months. It was the middle of December. For Lori it might as well have been November or January, she didn’t know. All she knew was that it was colder. She had been training a lot more recently. They kept her locked in her cell when she wasn’t training or being tortured. Training took up five to eight hours per day. The torture happened less and less now than it had before, but she was still tied up and electrocuted now and then.

She didn’t understand why, but she could rarely remember much after each of those sessions. Or rather, some things seemed less important than before. She had little recollection of her life before Hydra. Over the past few months they had gone through her head and removed what was Lori. She had become a shell. A shell Hydra had filled with an assassin. Lori had undergone gun-training, knife-training and hand-to-hand-combat. With her enhancement her opponents rarely lasted very long and she got a new one every day to let them rest inbetween session. All to give Lori the best fight they could. She had seen the one she had come to know as the winter soldier a few times, but each time she asked to fight him she was laughed at and tossed into her cell.

After a few days she had stopped asking all together, there was no use. Something different had happened this day though. She hadn´t been taken to the room of torture, and not to the training room either. First she had been taken to a dance studio where she had been forced to practice for hours. Her feet were bleeding, her legs aching. But she didn’t show any emotion as the men forced her into a lab. She was pushed onto a chair and a metal arm was placed in front of her alongside some blueprints.

“Disarm it,” One of the men said and left the room locking the door behind him. Lori was alone in the room with just the arm in front of her. She stared at it for a second before she picked up the blueprints and went through them. It wasn’t clear what she was supposed to do but she began to tinker with the arm and soon had a plate of it opened up. The arm itself was filled with wires that looked like nerves. She frowned to herself and took a look at the blueprints again. She tried to locate the nerves that would disable the fingers of the arms. If she could get to those, the hand wouldn’t be able to close into a fist. It was a start if anything. She would have to disarm the arm from the elbow down to get it to be almost completely useless and that would be much harder, she soon realized.

She had just finished when the guards came back for her. With them was the man she had seen a few times prior. He was pushed into another chair and the arm was attached to his left shoulder. He was staring straight ahead and he didn’t notice Lori at all. Lori herself was taken into an adjoining room where her most senior capter stood. “Send in the agents,” he told his men in a perfect British accent. The soldat stood up as three agents came in. Lori could see him trying to flex his metal arm but he couldn´t, because Lori had done what they had asked of her.

The three agents went at the soldat, who didn’t do very well without a left arm. He was overtaken by the agents who eventually tore the metal arm off. The soldiers guards stepped in and executed the agents at the spot. Lori was taken to her cell, no word on wether she had done well or not. She guessed she had done well considering she wasn´t punished. There was no knowing with Hydra. She would never figure them out, she realized as she laid down on the bed in her little cell. They had at least provided her with two blankets, a luxiory.

2024

Thor had arrived with his brother in a heap of thunder. They had landed on the grass just outside the livingroom. Bucky and Sam had to hold Lori close as she got quite scared by the commotion. The two gods had introduced themselves to the newcomer. They had all shook hands, but Lokis lingered on Lori´s. “Aren´t you a trickster?” He asked softly as he tilted his head with a wicked smile. Lori knew more than any of her collegues about who the gods were. Hell they were a part of her swedish culture. Norse mythology was something every kid in Sweden learned about, Lori hadn´t been an exception. In fact, the norse gods and the mythology had been some of her favorite subjects in school. She had been the best in her class as well. At home she had had a number of books on the gods, well-read and re-read a million times.

Seeing the two gods was a bit of a shock to her. Of course she knew they existed, she had read their files, but she hadn´t expected them to be so big. They easily towered over them all, including Bucky, and Bucky wasn´t short. Yet Loki was at least half a head taller than him and Thor was even taller. Loki had his hair slicked back and was dressed up in a sleek black suit while Thor was in sweatpants and a hoodie. The long golden locks from the pictures Lori had seen were gone in favor for a more spkiy hairstyle. She studied them both for a while, in silence. Lori wasn’t normally a talkative person, less so with people she didn’t know. The gods just stared back at her and tilted their heads. Thor was the first one to break the silence.

“What´s your deal?” He asked as he looked Lori up and down, which to some extent felt a bit intimidating and uncomfortable. “What do you mean, what´s my deal?” She asked and crossed her arms as she stood in front of the god. She didn’t like his attitude. An attitude like that would have been punished by Hydra. “Are you a god? Do you have mind-bending abilities? Are you a former soldier?” Thor asked and frowned as he stared her down. Lori raised an eyebrow but shrugged. “I´m close to what Barnes is… A super-soldier, or something of the sorts at least.” She explained and stuck her chin out at the god.

She heard a swoosh go past her ear but she didn’t flinch or move. Thor smirked as he looked at her with a large axe in his hand. “I like this one,” He said with glee and everyone could hear Loki sigh. “Yes brother, you like yet another human, who is surprised…” he said and shook his head as he rolled his eyes. Lori was fuming on the inside, she felt slightly disrespected but she was also proud of herself for not flinching at all. Bucky grabbed her upper arms and pulled her back a bit. “Let´s go to the gym, take it out on me.” He said quietly and pulled her back. Despite what Lori thought, Bucky knew her better than she realized.

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