#he thought he finally did it the right way by dying cosmically with him. why is he back? did he do it wrong? is viktor going to stay? ETC

[astrugglingacademic]

Post-canon jayvik waking up in the physical state of being they were in upon death. S2 Jayce, scruffy beard and thinner from malnutrition. But Viktor doesn't completely register his own attire: his typical lab-wear, singed and scorched and torn all over. He's never seen it with his own eyes, after all.

Jayce staring meanwhile, lost in the horrible memory of the Council Room Explosion. Running his hands over Viktor to try and assure himself that this is different, he's alive, and this is their new chance.

[ivanttakethis]

A STAR IS BORN: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH “THE STAR OF SEASON 39” TOV

At the top of Season 39’s leaderboard with 77 points, Tov once again sat down with ALIEN STAGE MAGAZINE for an exclusive one-on-one interview!

————————————————————

Hi Tov, how have you been? I believe some congratulations are in order for your top score!

Tov: Thank you. I’ve been well. It’s nice to see you again.

So tell me, what was it like to earn the highest score of the season so far?

Tov: It was definitely unexpected. After Khoi won his round with 70 points, I was just hoping for somewhere in the top three or five. I didn’t think I would match his score, let alone surpass it. But I guess the audience really liked my performance.

When you saw your final score up on screen, what was going through your mind?

Tov: The shock is what hit me first. I was still trying to catch my breath from singing, so it took a minute for me to register what I was seeing. And then I just kept staring at the screen and thinking: “Is this real?” “Is that really my score?” I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry.

Let’s talk about your last minute song change for Round 10. We’ve all been dying to know what led you to make the decision to switch so late. What was your thought process? Were there outside influences?

Tov: No, nothing like that. It was a personal choice. I lost someone very important to me in Round 7, and I wanted to honor him with my performance since he never got the chance to see me sing. But the song I originally chose didn’t feel right as a tribute.

I spent most of the time between Round 7 and Round 10 searching for the perfect piece, and only came upon Cosmic Love the night before. It fit so well that I did whatever it took to sing it, even if things were a bit rushed. I wouldn’t change anything about how the performance turned out.

Many are now calling you the “Star of Season 39”. How does that make you feel?

Tov: It’s an honor that people think so highly of my singing and I’m very grateful for their support. But now there’s also a lot of pressure to be as perfect as possible. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

These next few questions come from some of your fans!

First up, BlueBluBleu asks: “Your outfit in your first round was so inspired! How do you plan your look before a performance? What goes into that?��

Tov: Thank you. My guardian would probably talk your ear off about our process. We started concept work on the outfits right after I was confirmed as a contestant for Season 39. I told Cassio that I wanted all of the designs to fit within the theme of stars and constellations. From there we went through several draft iterations trying to represent a different elements associated with that theme: stars, the night sky, the moon, meteor showers, things like that.

We also tried to incorporate the mood of the songs I planned to sing and the emotions I want to evoke in my performances in the fabric colors we chose. Everything we’ve done has been very intentional.

My first outfit was meant to resemble the night sky. So we started with a midnight blue dress as the sky itself, and then sewed on the diamonds as the stars. Cassio and I chose diamonds specifically so they would catch the lights and twinkle when I was on stage. It came together beautifully.

After I won Round 10, we got right back in the studio to work on my second round dress. It’s a different style from my previous one, but it is truly stunning and still fits my theme.

Next, a question from M00N: “Of the 13 remaining contestants, who are 3 you'd love to sing with and why?”

Tov: I’m very biased about this one, but I would love the opportunity to sing a duet with Himei. She’s one of my oldest friends and we haven’t sung together since our Anakt Garden days, so it’d be like stepping back in time and reliving simpler days. Our voices harmonize well together too. I think My Clematis would be a great song choice. It speaks to our relationship in a way.

I’m also biased on my second choice as it’s another close friend of mine. I’d love to sing with Nyx. He’s such a talented bassist and composer. It would be an honor to sing one of his original songs with him on stage. I’ve been wanting to for years now.

My last choice would be Cirrus. Their performance in Round 1 was absolutely captivating. Something about their voice has stuck with me, even through all of the subsequent rounds. It’s haunting, but in a good way. Great for songs with a slower tempo. I think I do well with slower songs too. Maybe we could do a ballad together?

And finally CastorKyo4Evr asks: “Which round so far, outside of your own, did you find the most inspired?”

Tov: I really enjoyed Round 4. It was our first duet of the season and it really got me thinking about all of the possibilities duets could bring to the table. There’s a lot of creativity and cooperation that goes into a joint performance and I found it very inspiring.

Himei and Min’s performance was also very high energy. The song choice played to both of their strengths so the audience got the best out of both of them. I think it really represented what ALIEN STAGE is all about: putting on the best show possible.

Since you scored the highest in Row 1, you’ll be the opening round for Row 2. Does that change anything for you, in comparison to your first round?

Tov: It does change things. The field is narrowing, which means the stakes will be higher. Lark didn’t have the chance to perform in Row 1, so he’s a bit of a wildcard to me. I’m not sure what to expect from him.

Then there’s also the added stress of being the opener. I must confess that I’m a bit nervous. But I’m sure Lark and I will both do our best to make Round 17 memorable for everyone.

What do you have planned for your next round? Will you still be singing for that important someone?

Tov: I’m always going to sing for him. But I’ll also be singing for other people who are important to me too. I hope they’ll be listening.

No hints on what’s to come. You will have to wait and see.

Tov returns to the stage with fellow contestant Lark in Round 17 of ALIEN STAGE Season 39!

————————————————————

This interview took place after Post Row 1 - Tov’s Log.

While Tov isn’t known for being overly talkative, Cassio taught her from a young age how to handle media and public relations matters.

She’s kind of like how Ivan was in his Outstanding Pupil Award interview, very good at coming across as pleasant and sociable.

Notice the difference between how Tov presents how things happened versus how they actually happened 👀

She knows she needs to spin this story and convince the AREPH that she’s not a threat.

The important people she planned to sing for in Round 17 were Nyx and Himei. But we all saw how that went…

Thank you to @lookatmysillies for the fan questions!

Khoi belongs to @junebluues.

Himei and Tallis (not mentioned by name, but we all know) belong to @lookatmysillies.

Nyx belongs to @rockwgooglyeyes.

Cirrus belongs to @yunoftheclouds.

Lark belongs to @kamersona.

[vendettasfanfictioning]

Ok so I finally got to sit down on a device with an actual keyboard and not just suffer through typing all of this on my phone, and I'd like to make a few additions to this list:

📍 "After you raised me from perdition, I was still a dead man walking, but here? In this gas station? This is where I heard your voice for the first time and I might've been scared then but God did you make me feel alive again."

📍 "You didn't have a body to burn, the first time around, but I watched you dissolve into this lake and leave your ugly tan trench coat behind. You took a piece of me with you that I never got back."

📍 "I was so fucking relieved to see you alive again, I didn't care about the amnesia or the sudden wife. That was... the second time you came back from the dead, I think, but that was when you coming back became my win."

📍 "The most important Gas-n'-sip in the world. This is where you found something close enough to a home when I couldn't give one to you. Fuck, I wish I could take it back. You deserved so much more than what I gave you."

📍 "And this is where you were supposed to go on that date, but instead got left to babysit. I couldn't tell you how relieved I was then. I'd have taken on a whole lot more monsters if it meant I'd get to keep you to myself."

📍 "This is where we 'had an appointment.' I looked you in the eye and told you to never change. I couldn't tell you why, I didn't want to even consider the possibility of you ending up that way (exactly like the old me.) And you wanna know the kicker? You became so much better. How could you tell me I changed you, or that I was the most loving, when you existed right there, and taught me how to be better too..."

📍 "You just swooped into my car, naked, covered in bees. In a happier, better world, I would've laughed my ass off. In this one, though, you weren't my best friend then, just the shell of him that I couldn't even protect."

📍 "This was the angels' old HQ, but more importantly, this was where you chose me over them. Again."

📍 "You said our tape deck was broken. Things were finally looking good again here. You and me in the open road with Baby. Forgot about cases and world saving for a while."

📍 "This is where it started going to shit. This is where you killed Billie and kicked off cosmic balance bullshit and I couldn't even stay mad at you for too long because you did it for me. That's what this is all leading back to, isn't it? You stupid idiot."

📍 "Here's a happy pin for a change. Dodge City, Kansas. You were my huckleberry, I thought you knew I was yours too."

📍 "If I think about that year I retired for too long, you'd start bleeding into my memories. Were you always there when I raked the leaves out back? Or cooked breakfast? Or left for my job? And then I start imagining what that life would've been like with you. I always end up too fucking drunk by the end of the night."

📍 "I took your son out fishing here, when we thought he was dying. Wish I coulda taken all four of us out. Wish we had more time."

📍 "I vividly remember the first time I wanted to tell you, 'I love you.' It was here, and you were beating me up because that Naomi chick scrambled your brains and I wanted to tell you I love you, not to get you to stop, but so you'd know, afterwards, that I was okay with it.

How could you say you knew, you didn't know shit. If you did, you wouldn't have left the way you did and damn it, I miss you so—"

What if one evening Dean found 'queering the map' while getting drunk to numb his pain of missing Cas and read some of the stories on there and then the next time missing Cas got unbearable he went back and one by one started adding his own lil snippets to the map, as if he was talking to Cas.

📍"This is the barn where we met for the first time (on this plane anyways). I stabbed you. You smiled at me. I knew nothing back then"

📍"I took you to this Den of Equity. In reality it was an excuse to spend the last night on earth with you."

📍"This is where I came up from purgatory, without you. Did you know I kept seeing you everywhere? Did you know I was thinking about coming back to find you?"

📍"We had some mean burgers here. Or rather I did. You ordered your usual - coffee, not to seem too suspicious. I don't know if you realized but you drank a sip or two that time. Little human things. It made me smile into my own cup. It made me hopeful"

📍"Once again you touched me to heal me and I thought to myself I could take any pain, even hell, if it meant I could feel your tender touch again"

📍"I buried your ashes here. There was a brook with a windmill nearby, a field full of forget-me-nots. As if I could ever forget you"

📍"There is a haunted house here. Or rather was (me and Sam took care of that) I killed myself here today. Briefly. But maybe I wanted it to stick this time."

📍"This phone booth is my favourite place in the whole wide world now. I still see you in its faint glow. So real, so solid, alive."

📍"You died here. After you told me I was the one thing you wanted and couldn't have. But you had me, sweetheart, you did, you do."

📍"Tomorrow we'll open a portal here. All the ingredients are gathered. The spells are ready. Tomorrow I'll get to kiss you for the first time."

[justjessame]

Light Through the Darkness: Chapter 64

Damon wrapped himself in the distraction he found in Rose. She didn’t remind him of any part of his past - or what he lost. In her he could pretend that he hadn’t lost the comfort of the one person in his life that hadn’t judged him in his youth, who hadn’t held as tightly to the pain of betrayal that he’d wrought against her after all the years they’d been apart, and who had finally had one too many reminders that he wasn’t the man she imagined him to be. Rose wasn’t Abigail in the slightest and in that he found comfort - strange as that might sound to someone else.

She wasn’t Elena either, even as she agreed to help keep her safe. And that too was a balm for his soul. While the dead ringer for Katherine Pierce acted in the exact opposite ways as her doppleganger - hellbent on dying for her loved ones in some suicide pact with morality - Rose helped keep him grounded and keep her ass alive, despite her best efforts. Stefan seemed willing to give his girlfriend anything, including her willingness to die. So a distraction was JUST what Damon needed.

The cruel reminder of his own hubris came when Jules bit Rose in retaliation for - shit - a ton of bad deeds. Ripping Mason Lockwood’s heart out didn’t endear him to her. Neither did trying to spike her drink with wolfsbane at the Grille with Ric’s help. Biting Rose for his crimes wasn’t fair.

Watching a vampire’s decline from a werewolf’s bite wasn’t something he ever wanted to experience again - to see an immortal being go through THAT before being FORCED to slip into her mind and create a safe place for her, a place of her youth just so he could put her down and give her a peaceful end - it was a fate crueler than the usual death a vampire could expect. And one that HE had brought to her.

Reverting to his past bad acts came as naturally as breathing - Abigail was as easy to forget as she had been while she was locked away in her own mind for all those years - at least that’s what he told himself as he introduced himself to that first victim on the dark road who stopped her car out of worry and kindness.

Staring at the girl, because she WAS a girl compared to him, too tall to really remind him of Abi - but the kindness in her eyes was there - the helpfulness, the attempt to pull him out of the darkness that was hovering around him like a cloak, that was pure Abigail Morgan and he just couldn’t -

“I have a secret. I have a big one, but I've never said it out loud. I mean, what's the point?” He wasn’t seeing her, this young inconsequential girl who had the ignorant need to try to save a stranger. “It's not gonna change anything. It's not gonna make me good. Make me adopt a puppy. I can't be what other people want me to be, what she wants me to be.” The she, Elena Gilbert or Abigail Morgan? Elena, of course. Because Abigail had never wanted him to be ANYTHING other than himself, and that's the joke, wasn’t it? The cosmic joke of his very existence. That he’d changed, truly changed for Katherine and lost Abi once, and now? “This is who I am, Jessica.” He wasn’t paying attention to Jessica, to this human child. Not really, his mind’s eye was on Abigail Morgan - on what COULD have been with her. On the life they MIGHT have had, if only - “Because, you are my existential crisis. Do I kill you, or do I not kill you?” He was growing angry, not at her - of course he wasn’t angry at her. Why would he ever be mad at Abi? She’d done nothing wrong. And not at, what was her name again? Right. “But I have to, Jessica, because I'm not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret. But there's only so much hurt a man can take.”

It was over before he could process it, before he thought about it - the blood could at least distract him. Right?

Abigail wasn’t in the loop of just how terrible everything was turning out for Damon and his friends - at least not the ones she’d only seen in visions. She was up to her eyebrows in flour and baking mishaps. Alright, not all of her attempts were ruined - and it was these more or less edible bites that she was wrapping up and putting in a lined basket to take to Ric’s lady-love.

Cat was watching from a safe distance - his fur bearing the hallmarks of having gotten too close and learning the errors of being too curious for his own good. She’d tried to soothe his wounded pride by telling him how the white powder made him look distinguished, but his blue rimmed green eyes were staring holes in her with distrust at just how honest her compliments might be.

“Honestly, Cat,” Abi offered with a shake of her head, “would I lie to you?”

He arched his back and yawned, making it clear that he thought less of her word than she did when he turned away from her to stare out the window. Fighting her urge to laugh, she went back to work on the collection of cookies. She’d texted Ric earlier and learned that Jenna was feeling much better than she had when she’d first been impaled by Elena’s less hospitable lookalike.

As she worked, she kept one eye on her phone and one eye on the street. It had been too quiet for too long - surely acting Mayor Lockwood would swoop down and insist on some community required volunteerism. None came, but Cat realized she was leaving when she started putting her things in her trusty bag - phone, grimoire, grabbing her keys and the handle of the basket - he jumped down from his spot at the window and worked diligently to make the journey to the door one fraught with fears of tripping over him as he wound himself through her legs.

“If you don’t trip me,” Abi muttered, looking over the basket at the fluffy cat that was purring as he rubbed against her ankles. “I promise I’ll be home soon and I’ll spend ALL evening curled up with you.”

Closing and locking the door securely behind her, and in Cat’s mewing face, a chill crept up her spine - the type that came from someone watching from afar. Her eyes snapped shut as she swallowed down her annoyance at the certainty that it must be Damon or someone he compelled to keep a watchful eye on her - like he’d had Ric do when they first met. Reminding herself that she couldn’t stop him from a fool’s errand, nor could she change whatever course he was one - she could only continue on her own forward - she straightened her back and her head rose.

Luka Martin watched as the Morgan witch carefully put a basket into the passenger’s side of the Mini Cooper parked in her driveway along with a messenger bag. He studied the young woman, tiny and elfin, but no different looking from most of the students he matriculated with at Mystic Falls High School. His father had told him how much power he’d felt when he’d met her at the store, but standing across the street, hidden by the tree line, all he saw was a young woman dressed in jeans, a tank top, leather jacket and boots. Her long honey brown hair was braided over her shoulder, and he hoped, as he watched her slide into the driver’s seat, that Elijah’s obsession with her was warranted.

As she drove away, he considered the players in what he hoped wouldn’t end up a tragedy - Bonnie Bennett, who he’d already me; the Salvatore brothers, Damon and Stefan, who were circling Elena Gilbert; Elena Gilbert herself, the focus of Klaus and who they should keep in their sights - and Abigail Morgan, who Elijah wanted kept within reach - but not necessarily under constant surveillance. She wasn’t a player in this particular play - and Luka wasn’t sure what part she was playing at all, but he hoped like hell that she wasn’t going to make it all go up in flames.

[la-appel-du-vide]

Moab Trip 🧡

I'm really just in my "Yes" era right now, because I say yes to every opportunity presented to me, especially this summer. Last summer was busy with wedding planning, and this summer is busy with being gone all the time. I can't believe how little I'm actually at home, and it's going to keep being like that for the next couple of months too. It's all very fun, but sometimes I start to crave a weekend of doing absolutely nothing (except being productive and accomplishing an entire to-do list for once??). But that's ok, I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead.

This weekend was a quick Moab/Escalante trip. We made the plan because Brayden's sister turned 30, and she wanted to skydive for her birthday. Brayden's never been skydiving, so this was a good chance for him to go. I would have done it, but I have already been twice and don't want to keep paying to do it. So we got home from Punta Cana late on Tuesday night, worked three days, and then drove to Moab late on Friday night. We took Reef to Jason's house for this quick trip, so that my family could have a break from watching him, and he probably had the best weekend of his life. Not only was Jason's dog there, but so were two other dogs that Jason was watching that weekend. So he had three friends while he was there, and he just loves to play with other dogs. I loved seeing the pictures and videos while we were gone haha, what an adventure.

Saturday morning, B did the skydive thing. It was hot sitting around waiting for his turn, and then waiting for him to go and be done, but he did love it. I'm so glad - everyone should try it at least once. We had a quick lunch, took the Jeep on a pretty off-road trail, and then went with his parents and sister on a Moab jet boat ride. They're trying to copy the Shotover Jets in New Zealand, and it was similar but also different. In New Zealand, I felt like the shock of it was how close the drivers would get to the canyon walls and rock obstacles in the river, only to pull away perfectly. This one in Moab was definitely a "water ride" where they were just trying to absolutely drench us. It felt nice at first, because it was so hot out, but after awhile I actually got cold even! It was a good time. (The water in New Zealand is definitely the winner though - why is the Colorado so brown??) We also got to stop at the Moab bookstore from my Utah bookstore map, and that was a great one to get out of the way since we already happened to be down there.

Then we were off to Escalante. I have been wanting to hike the Cosmic Ashtray, and this seemed like a good trip to fit it in. In retrospect, maybe it wasn't, because then we had to drive 4 or 5 hours per day. Moab and Escalante are not nearly as close together as I thought. We stayed at a cute, little house in Escalante for the night, but got up early to drive another 40 minutes out to the trailhead. We were told that the Jeep could handle most of the drive out to the location as long as we had four-wheel drive, so we went ahead. This is a very unmarked hike, and we had no idea where to stop and park, so we ended up going too far and driving through some really deep sand. We almost got stuck, but B was able to back it out of there. From there, we had to hike. B had downloaded a trail guide to his phone, and thank goodness, because otherwise we would have been so lost. We had to hike up very steep slickrock, and it was almost 100 degrees out. I was dying. And then, when we finally got up there and were so excited to see it, we realized we had to hike around the mountain if we wanted to be able to climb down into the sand and back. That was a sad moment.

But we did make it! And it was insane! It feels way bigger than it looks in photos, and the sand is so perfectly fine. Once I got down in there, I collapsed into the cool sand, and it was such a relief after being so hot for so long. I could have hung out in there for hours. You just need some food and a good book, and it's the perfect spot. There was not another soul in sight, and I loved having such a beautiful place to ourselves. I'm so glad we did it.

The hike back went a lot quicker, and then we had to make the long five hour drive back home (gross). It was a packed, adventure kind of weekend, that's for sure.

[pastelwitchling]

3x07 coda.

Michael was exhausted. He didn’t know if it was the strain on his muscles from almost dying, or the nag of thoughts going through the millionth next step, or just finding out that his father was a man with his brother’s face.

It all sounded like some kind of cosmic joke when he tried to make it into a coherent thought, which was why he tried not to think about it at all. All he could do was force his mind back to the six-pack he had next to his bed and his bonfire and his bed.

In his passenger seat, his phone sat. More than once, since the moment he’d left Isobel, Liz, and Rosa at the diner, since the second Jones had dared to call him son in fact, he’d itched to call Alex. He’d needed to call Alex, to tell him what had happened, to see him scoff about it like it was no big deal. Because it assured Michael that he was still good in his eyes, that he was still . . . Michael.

But it was late, and he’d hardly seen Alex since he’d called him to the cell tower. He didn’t think Alex would want to hear from him now, and if he was honest with himself, he was terrified Alex wouldn’t want to talk to him and he would be forced to recognize that the distance between them had been intentional all this time.

That was why, when he pulled up to the junkyard, he was startled to see Alex himself, sitting on the front steps of his airstream, chin rested on his knees. He was wearing a thick black jacket that made him look like a prince of the Underworld, and seemed lost in thought. Michael approached him warily.

Alex offered him half a smile, and up close, Michael saw that he looked as tired as he himself felt.

“I need your help,” he said.

That was how, ten minutes later, Michael and Alex were in front of the lit bonfire, Michael handing Alex a steaming cup of tea.

Alex murmured a “thank you,” and hugged his mug with his hands.

For a long minute, Michael stared at Alex who was staring, unseeing, into the flames, his lips pursed. He realized conflict was an emotion he’d been seeing way too often on Alex’s face.

“Private,” he said softly, afraid of scaring him away, “what’s going on?”

Alex swallowed, looking everywhere at once. “My whole life,” he said slowly, “I’ve been at a crossroads. Whether or not to enlist, whether or not to – to stay.” He said this last part while avoiding Michael’s gaze. “Whether or not to leave the Air Force.”

Michael frowned, straightening. “You left the Air Force?”

“About a month ago,” Alex muttered, looking down. “I was going to tell you, I just – I needed a minute to . . .” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I needed.” He shrugged a shoulder. “To know that I’d made the right decision?”

Michael huffed an incredulous chuckle. “So you’re really out.”

“Full honors,” Alex said without any of the satisfaction or pride that Michael would’ve imagined him having after a decade of his life and what it had meant.

“Well,” Michael held up his mug. “I’ll drink to that.” He took a long gulp and found Alex was staring at him, brows pinched, studying him.

“Something’s wrong with you,” he noted.

Michael smirked humorlessly, scratching the side of his cup with his thumb. “You could sense that? No one else could.”

“I know you better than everyone else,” Alex said with a surety that made Michael’s heart thrash violently. “Even better than you know yourself. What is it?”

“Trust me, Private, it’s not the night. Wait, I guess I shouldn’t call you that anymore, huh?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Please do, I – I like it. Feels like a nickname just for me.” He blushed furiously, and Michael found himself watching the color rise up his cheeks and the tips of his ears with a traitorous hope that he couldn’t dampen no matter how hard he tried.

Alex heaved a sigh, rubbing his face. “I’m at another crossroads now,” he said. “I have a decision to make, and I . . . can’t ask Kyle.” He shook his head, his eyes falling shut. “And I’m tired of regretting my path.”

“Kyle . . .” Michael’s shoulders fell. “Look, I – Alex, I know you care about him more than I do, I shouldn’t have –”

“I found him,” Alex said, the flames reflected in his eyes. “He’s safe.”

Michael stilled. “Y-You did? He is? Well, great, where is he?”

Alex said nothing.

“You won’t tell me.” It was not a question.

“He’s safe,” Alex repeated firmly, then held Michael’s gaze for the first time that night. “You trust me, don’t you?”

“With my life,” Michael said without a second’s hesitation. He swallowed, settling back into his chair, and repeated, “With my life.”

Alex nodded, his lips tugging into a miserable smile. “And I trust you with mine. I have a choice to make now, and it could change everything.”

“A choice to do what?” he leaned in. “Alex, why did you leave the Air Force?”

“I found a better way to get answers,” Alex said.

“Answers to what?”

“Everything,” he whispered. “But it’s a bargain, Guerin. If I don’t do it, I could be closing the doors on something big. If I do . . .”

“Let me guess,” Michael gathered, “there’s gonna be a lot more behind the scenes that I won’t be allowed near.”

“I don’t want you near it,” Alex said fiercely. “I don’t want you near me if I accept it. I can’t trust that you’ll be safe.”

Then no, Michael almost instinctively said. No more crap that pushes us apart.

And he wanted to say it, he wanted to keep Alex beside him, especially now. But one look at him, the way his knuckles turned white on his mug, the way his jaw clenched, his eyes glassy as he waited desperately for an answer, and Michael knew that it wasn’t what he needed to hear.

“Guerin,” he asked, helpless. “What do I do?”

Michael stared, a lump forming in his throat. “You really want this, don’t you?”

Alex shrugged, as if to say he had no idea what he wanted. Then I guess, Michael thought with half a smile, I know you better than you know yourself, too.

“You already made your choice, Private,” he said.

Alex looked down at his tea, brows furrowed. “What about you? I don’t want to push away for anything, not anymore.”

Michael smiled in full at that, even as his eyes burned. “What was it you told me? ‘If you give up, it’s on you.’” He leaned in closer this time, his tone serious. “If you really think that I’m letting anyone keep us apart again, then I guess you just don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

Alex searched his face, probably looking for the doubt or fear that’s always been there. Michael didn’t have it this time. After everything he’d learned tonight, losing Alex didn’t feel like an option. He didn’t think it had ever been.

Finally, Alex exhaled shakily and said, “I know enough to know that something’s bothering you. What happened, Guerin?”

Michael smirked bitterly. What was the point in hiding it from Alex? There was nothing, after all, he wanted less right now. Might as well get the pain over with. “Jones is my father.”

Alex’s eyes widened fractionally, and he looked to the bonfire. Then his shoulders slumped and he stood. For a horrible second, Michael thought Alex was going to leave and his face fell. Then Alex adjusted his lawn chair so that it was right against Michael’s.

Alex settled back in his chair with a sigh, and he patted Michael’s leg. He said, “We’ll figure it out,” and took another calm sip of his drink.

Michael stared. Alex wasn’t faking the indifference, his brows pinched like he was already considering what to do next. How to save Michael again. He was always better at the hero stuff anyway.

When Michael spoke next, his words were a croak. “Really?”

Alex smiled wearily. “I told you I’d burn the world down for you, didn’t I?” His eyes darkened. “An evil father, I can handle.”

[blzzrdstryr]

Moth into flame. Yandere!Kaeya x gn!reader

Wordcount: 4k

A.N: It’s very self-indulgent, but I had this idea for 2 weeks now and needed to get it out. I’ve never written fanfiction and I am not a native speaker, so bear with me.

CW: Violence, unhealthy relationship

For as long as you know Kaeya, he feels different from other people. Odd in the way that empty alleyways and dark rooms are odd, a sense of barely concealed danger lurking underneath the layers of charm and friendliness. You always felt his darker nature, but never questioned it before - you are an adventurer after all, the danger is your thrill.

He must have known that you aren’t particularly repulsed by this side of him, as his friendly facade morphed into something darker right in front of you for a couple of times. You doubt a liar and an actor as skilled as he is would make such amateurish mistakes.

No, he can’t be ignorant about how his more ominous part is what makes your veins sing from the strange mix of fascination and fear. That must be why he kept flashing his less amiable side, enticing you further in his grasp, and you gladly took step after step in the carefully crafted trap he prepared just for you.

How could you not? Kaeya is charming and dangerous, like wildfire  and you are nothing but a moth, too blinded by his light to stop and just think.

And now, seeing an irrefutable, but faux proof of the crimes you didn’t commit in his hands, you feel it - how searing his casual coldness can be. Right now, Kaeya Alberich is no human in your heart, he is a small piece of abyss that made its way out of Khaenri’ahn ruins to drag you down the cosmic darkness, where you possibly truly belong.

***

Kaeya both loves and hates your first meeting and he avoids reminiscing about it. It sounds strange, right?

Back then he was still a part of Ragnvindr household and Diluc treated him like a brother, and maybe that is a small part of a reason why he feels such aversion to recalling it - those memories are tinted both by fond nostalgia and bitter loss, enough to make him itch for a bottle in his hand.

Both Kaeya and you were green rookies - a knight fresh from training and a beginner adventurer, accidentally teaming up against a gang of treasure hoarders. It all ended up with both of you victorious, but injured. Kaeya helped you to walk back to Monstadt as one of the criminal's bolts wounded your leg, enough to make you wince from pain at every step.

In the middle of the trail he suddenly grew bored from your barely suppressed pained expressions and soft pants, no matter how cute they were to him, and decided to carry you, just like the groom would carry his  bride. He quipped and joked about it, as he made his way to the city's general direction, and you laughed and made some witty remarks in return.

At the moment he didn't think too much of it - you were another adventurer in his eyes back then, a cute, but insignificant passerby in his life and he was just playing a role of gallant knight in shiny armor. Give it a week or two and he would forget your face and your name.

But he didn't.

Just as you were approaching city gates, a miracle happened - red vision materialized right in your hands. You clutched it tightly to the chest, a bright smile appearing on your face. You turned your head to Kaeya, and he could have swore you were using your newly acquired Pyro on him.

How else could he feel so warm inside all of a sudden?

He couldn't help but recall your smile for weeks after that.

***

Your second meeting happened when you were returning to Mondstadt after your first long expedition. Shortly after the word of your Pyro vision reached Cyrus' ears, he was dead set on sending you to Dragonspine to help other adventurers. You were hesitant at first, but then your natural thirst for thrill combined with a hefty pay he promised won over you, and here you were - carrying several stacks of starsilver, absolutely exhausted and frozen to the very bones walking back to Mondstadt.

To say that you were unprepared would be an understatement of the year - even with pyro vision the cold seemed absolutely unbearable and to make matters worse you almost had a run in with a frostarm lawachurl. To avoid hopeless fight, you had to hide behind the tall snowdrift, almost submerging your body in it, as you both admired and dreaded the ice cladden giant.

Nonetheless, you acquired all of the starsilver the adventure guild needed, and now you trekked through the forest as the sun started to set.

Straining your eyes to see through the heavy rain and approaching darkness you saw it - a bright red smudge against the dark tree bark and unmistakable scent of blood. Such stark contrasts were enough to shake off the tiredness. You slowly made your way to the source of the stench, both fearing and anticipating what may reveal itself to your curious eyes.

There was a silhouette of an injured man that started to slowly morph into a vaguely familiar figure as you got closer. Seeing that there was no threat, you threw your ore to the ground and ran to the unconscious person. It was that knight who helped you to defeat treasure hoarders, Kaeya.

He looked horrible - his normally rich bronze skin now looked ashen and grey from the bloodloss, the face that radiated smugness seemed as if it already belonged on the corpse, the blue vest that he was wearing dyed almost completely in purple from the bloodloss, but the most horrible thing was a shallow but wide gash on his chest.

Not wasting any second, you pulled out your trusty dagger, and sliced the vest to inspect the wound. As you pulled obstructing cloth away you noticed another detail - small burns, surrounding the gash, as if someone slashed Kaeya with something hot enough to scorch, but not hot enough to close the wound and most unexpectedly, faintly glowing blue orb. A cryo vision.

You sat on your knees to put his vision in your pocket and clean his wounds. It still bled, as you frantically searched for a way to close it your eyes fell on the small burns around the wound and suddenly a crazy idea popped up in your head.

With shaking hands you used a piece of sliced vest to muffle him and prevent Kaeya from accidentally biting his tongue off, and then you took the dagger again heating it up. You heard about cauterization from older adventurers, but hoped that you wouldn’t resort to using it.

Kaeya’s pained groans were muffled by the makeshift gag, yet it wasn’t enough to wake him. After you made sure that his bleeding stopped, you removed your outerwear and wrapped Kaeya up. You cursed, as you hoisted a heavier body on your back, an exhaustion you have forgotten moments ago hitting you with a renewed strength.

The path to the Mondstadt with a new burden on your back now felt ten times longer. Even if you two were barely an acquaintance, a cold coil of fear for Kaeya's life still set in the pit of your stomach, and it seemed that no amount of fire would make you feel warm again.

***

Waking up in the infirmary was one of the biggest surprises in Kaeya’s life.

There were times when he was sure of his imminent death - an abandoned shivering child all alone in the forest, a stranger in the strange land, a prince of nothing with the weight of the whole dying kingdom left on his shoulders; a rainy night reeking of death and loss, grief and fury burning him just as much as incandescent claymore, rapidly growing pool of bright red blood, just as red as a…

Kaeya was okay with dying - it would be a nice ending to his story. The dead saviour of an already dead nation, an outlander casted out from the only semblance of home he had. He liked the irony.

He could have asked for help right after the duel, calling out that person’s name, he knew that that person wouldn’t leave him if he was dying, but the possibility of seeing hatred in those eyes was too much for him. The second a fiery blade cut through his flesh was when Kaeya decided to die.

And honestly, he couldn't continue to live once he confirmed what kind of a monster he is - the first thing he felt when he saw Crepus Rangvindr, a person who took him in, kept him fed, warm, safe and clothed all these years, a person who loved him more than his own father did, slowly disintegrating under the strain of delusion Kaeya felt no sadness. No, a relief, as if he was freed of a tiresome burden came instead.

Kaeya was disgusted and horrified for even experiencing such feelings in the first place, but he also couldn't do anything with it - for the last few years he was torn apart between Mondstadt and his homeland, and Crepus’ death should have solved his internal dilemma, driving the final nail in the coffin.

Sometimes he felt as if he was no person at all, just an abyssal creature that took on a human form and was allowed to live only to be unleashed on Teyvat. The time at Khaenri’ah was something that stuck with him for the rest of his life - the fear and resignation he experienced there heavily imprinted on his brain.

Every once in a while he had impulses to lie, to hurt and do as he pleases, for a long time he stopped these urges at the root, maintaining the illusion of normalcy he built for Ragnvindr household. He knew it was from Khaenri’ah, a cursed  nation of sinners with all of its glorious legacy lost to the sands of time. Immoral impulses were something that would have helped him to survive among the endless darkness that surrounded god-forsaken place.

“Ugh”, he tried to get up, to shake intrusive and self-deprecating thoughts away, but failed. Pain, like melted iron, slowly spread from his chest to the points of his fingers in a second. Even breathing was hard - his entire body ached and burned, a shaking hand slowly touched bandaged torso. Alberich winced as he remembered why exactly it was aching.

“Sir Kaeya, you are already awake! Please, don’t move.”, pretty but forgettable nun fussed over him, rechecking his bandages and then taking out a foul smelling medicine. She made Kaeya drink it all. He still cringing from the bitter taste, half sat on the bed, leaning on the headrest, tried to flash her his most charming smile and asked:

“Do you know how I got there?”, it seemed his charms did work on the girl, as she started to describe the previous night in great detail: what she was doing prior to his arrival, how dark the sky was, how worried she was when she saw his battered body, how exhausted the adventurer and guards that delivered him looked.

“Do you happen to know the adventurer’s name? I would like to say my thanks once I get better”

“Oh, it was [First], I think, but I am not sure.  I believe I saw a pyro vision” Kaeya slid in the lying position again, as he remembered you, his first and only crush. Half buried feelings ignited in his chest with a renewed vigor.

Seeing that Kaeya paid her no mind, the nun headed to the exit of the infirmary, but right before she left she turned to Kaeya again, saying that you will visit him tomorrow.

****

Just as you thought Kaeya was conscious today. After you managed to carry him back to Mondstadt, worried but distrustful guards at city gates took away your load and delivered him to the Church of Favonius. You insisted at coming with them, still anxious for Kaeya’s life. Nuns almost showed you out of the infirmary and you, defeated, had to go home.

The next day you spent looking for the abandoned starsilver, thoughts occupied both by Kaeya and the payment Cyrus promised. Fortunately, the stacks lied right where you discarded them and after a quick trip back to the adventurer's guild, you had nothing to do - weekly commissions done days prior, so you decided to spend some time inside the city for once.

As you navigated the city square you felt the tense mood that hung in the air, Mondstadt usually cheerful and carefree now seemed uncharacteristically gloomy. You later learned that the local wine tycoon, Crepus Ragnvindr, died in the accident and his son and young the youngest captain in history of Ordo Favonius, Diluc, left the city and abandoned the knights.

Despite spending almost all of your time outside the city gates, even you were aware of the city's happenings and certainly heard about two dashing young gentlemen. Kaeya was rumored to be a foreign orphan taken in by Crepus and Diluc as you remembered is a claymore swinging pyro user - a picture of Kaeya’s injuries came to mind. Scattered details started to slowly gather into a sound theory.

A fight after Crepus' death(was accident Kaeya’s fault?), that resulted in Diluc abandoning the knights(Are knights also at fault?).

You quickly brushed it off, as theorizing without the concrete evidence was one of the biggest mistakes one could make. So instead of building baseless speculations, you decided to visit one of the key people, Kaeya. Occupied by your thoughts and curiosity, the travel to the church seemed almost momentarily.

Stepping in the infirmary you were hit with a strong bitter scent of the medicine, but Kaeya sitting on the bed seemed fine, if not a bit tired. He was reading a book, but put it aside as he noticed you and gave you a warm smile.“I remember you, [First], you were the one who saved me I was told. Seems I should make it up to you”

“No need for it, you were dying”, you head to him, a hand searching for the vision in the travelling bag. His smile doesn’t drop, even when a somewhat awkward silence hangs around you. Finally, you exclaim: “I found a vision near you, and kept it so it doesn’t get lost or anything”.

“Oh, that’s a surprise, give it to me” the vision in his hands glows alive with a gentle blue light, a small ice shard forming between his fingers and you find yourself holding your breath. Kaeya looks less impressed than you, a strange emotion written on his face,as he looks from the blue orb, to the ice, to your amazed face.

“It may sound rude, but do you remember who injured you?” Kaeya doesn’t appear phased, slowly blinking, a confusion written on his face, as he looks up in contemplation. “Hm, no, can’t remember anything” You shift a little, disappointment not reaching your face. Was Kaeya lying or not?

“I hope I didn’t mess up your adventuring schedule” Kaeya murmured, leaning a little closer to you.

“No. I planned on spending a week inside the city. Why do you ask?”

“Well” he smirks, “maybe a brave and strong adventurer will lend a hand to poor injured me and”, you felt your face slowly heating up “escort me to Good Hunter, the food here is abysmal and maybe your company and decent meal will clear my head a little”

Only a day later you realized that it was your first date.

***

Kaeya likes challenges, and maybe that is a reason why he’s so drawn to you - you’re smart, just not people-smart, and you have enough intuition to guide you away from the schemes and plans he tries to pull off. Of course, he wouldn’t risk your life or general wellbeing - he likes your presence far too much to do that - but the possible less savory reactions he could gauge out of you were too alluring to miss out - frustration, fear, anger.

Alberich is frustrated - a hunger that was ignited by you grew greater and greater with each day - he wants to see so much of you, see you in pain, see you helpless, see you defeated. Would you cry, would you yell, would you curse at him?

He tried to resist it in the beginning - just as he did when he was still a part of Ragnvindr family - but he failed. Maybe, Diluc’s dismissal of him and abandonment was something that broke Kaeya in the way that Khaenri’ah couldn’t. That rainy day he learned one lesson - everyone leaves, and Kaeya didn’t doubt that you would too.

You are an adventurer after all, as free as a wind. It’s just pure luck that someone as curious and thrill-seeking as you hasn't moved to the other nations in search of excitement.

Kaeya feels threatened.

Over the years, you both fell in the comfortable, but vague place between friendship and something-more-than-friendship,a status quo of sorts. You were a loner at heart - fine with keeping almost everyone at arm’s length and Kaeya, to his disappointment, found that even his charms wouldn’t bend your will.

He could see how uncomfortable yet excited you got, when he showed his less considerate side - when he arrested and fought criminals, when he pulled off his complex plans, when he turned and twisted the words of others to make them scream and writhe and beg. Oh, of course you tried to hide it, your face becoming akin to a mask of stone, but there were other tells - the shine in your eyes, the body language and accelerated breath.

Kaeya also knew what an excitement glutton you are - there is a flame inside of you, needing to consume and devour new tastes, sights, adventures and mysteries. You are predictable in that way, he has a gut feeling that you are wary of him, but the promise of a new enigmatic crime that needs your assistance is almost always enough to lure you back into his arms.

And now he has a new problem at hands - his failed plan. Months of subtle work and manipulation led and were supposed to build up your feelings for this. A public love confession, both sudden and extravagant. Kaeya thought that someone as awkward as you, would cave in under the pressure he would put you through by making his love public.

However you didn’t, even if some, if not most of the onlookers gasped in the shocked disappointment - Kaeya was sure that you two looked like a would-be-couple to the observer’s eye. You stuttered some apologies, hid your face and almost ran away from him.

It grates on Kaeya’s nerves in a special way, annoyance slowly building up. Fortunately, he has a strategy to relieve it, by methodically destroying it’s source.

***

“Thank you, let’s do the next commissions together” you wave goodbye to the fellow adventurer, missing an indiscernible look cavalry captain gives both of you.

Only when the said adventurer leaves, does Kaeya step out of the shadow, his single eyes wholly focused on you. After the confession you started to purposefully avoid him - something that Kaeya thought was possible, but didn’t entertain it enough.

Seeing him is what almost sends you to retreat - relationships are messy, especially after failed public confessions, there’s too much burden now and you never felt the desire to work on any of them leaving everything to take its course. Instead, you stand there, enduring his cold gaze and warm smile, hit by a sudden realization of how childish your thoughts are.

Kaeya must have taken your passiveness as an invitation, as his hand snakes around your shoulder, throwing you off your internal monologue. “[First], I have an interesting case again” he leans in, his breath tickling your neck, “and I need an assistant again, the pay will be like last time”.

In spite of your current discomfort you almost space out, body habitually relaxing near him. “What the thing about?” the cases that Kaeya involves you in are always bizarre and something never seen before, a mystery awaiting to be solved.

He begins describing it to you - a strange string of deaths of young adventurers, all of whom were visionless and most curiously they all died off duty. Young men and women did their commissions, plunged in the domains and fought with monsters, but died inside the city walls, inside their houses and beds, surrounded by safety and comfort.

Kaeya shares that his informant found a hearsay that there were some interesting potions on the black market and he needs you to infiltrate as a visionless adventurer and buy potions, as much as possible.

This evening you leave the city, your heart full of trust for Kaeya, even if your relationship did take a colder turn.

***

You, as Kaeya predicted, still believed him.  Alberich almost felt bad for exploiting and twisting your trust in him , but as he supposed there was nothing more he could do with himself. Your visage filled his head day and nights, sometimes he even daydreamed about the life he would have with you. It would be delightful - to have you underneath his thumb, ready for any whim and perversion he could come up with.

He came to the Angel’s share and ordered a glass of wine, ignoring judgemental stare Diluc pointed at him. He could almost hear Ragnvindr saying “already” and calling Knights inefficient and lazy drunkards. Kaeya happily took a sip of the liquid - all of his plans always carried an element of risk, so the cavalry captain felt a bit agitated. What if you don’t touch the potions? What if the gang will escape with them?

Nevertheless, if you did touch it or not wouldn’t really matter, as catching you red-handed was more important. He needed to make you look guilty - you worked with him unofficially, which meant that no one knew about it, not even Vile. Sure no one would take your word over his, even if you left significant evidence of your innocence, after all a lot of knights are weak to bribes.

He almost hummed, as he imagined things he would do to you once you were imprisoned and completely in his power. He, of course, would save you from the dank dark cell, finding an “overlooked” detail, but not before breaking and molding you a little.

Finishing his wine, he went to the knight’s headquarters, to request the assistance of other knights in the arrest of a dangerous criminal, a spring evident in his step.

***

It was treasure hoarders again, you silently cursed, while dodging one of the attacks. You weren’t the best actor and within the minutes they exposed you. Fighting among the fragile vials wasn’t the best idea, so you moved the fight to the outside. Once they all run after you, you jump over them, raining a constant stream of fire over them. Some of them started to scream, a pure agony written on their face.

Some of the hoarders used a hidden gas bomb, submerging the whole place in smoke and using it to run away. You didn’t run after them, and headed inside instead. There was a significant change: some of the vials that contained transparent liquid now were bright red. You took one of them in and gasped - it felt so warm in your hands - and then you recognized your own elemental energy.

Out of curiosity you reached for the “uncontaminated” one, the colorless liquid rapidly bloomed with scarlet red, as your vision came to life without your command. Was it that deadly potion that Kaeya talked about? You felt how it sucked some of the pyro energy from you, then it must transmit collected energy to its consumer. No wonder all of those adventurers died - without a vision their bodies weren’t used to receiving and processing such amounts of elemental energy.

You tried to take the vials with the “clear” potion, but no matter what you did all of them got dyed in red the second you stood a little closer. Sighing in defeat you collected ones contaminated with your energy and prepared to head back to Mondstadt. You needed to warn Kaeya to take some regular knights with him if Albedo needed samples for analysis.

Suddenly there was a sound of several people running up to you, a Favonius armor coming into the sight. You almost smiled as you saw Kaeya, happy that he decided to help you, until you heard it: “Arrest them!”

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Buddie Moodboard - Pacific Rim AU

Hello, hello. It's me, again. This time, the lizard brain demanded Drift Compatibility galore for the Buddie cravings. I'm pretty sure this AU has been explored plenty already (in the best of ways, I'm most sure of that, too), but... if the lizards call, you gotta answer and drift away!

Eddie swore to himself years ago that he'd never enter the Shatterdome again. Just like he swore to himself that he'd never get anywhere near close to a Jaeger again. It seems he has been failing both promises, as he is being escorted to the HQ.

While he is happy to be reunited with his old crew from his time as a Ranger, Eddie doesn't trust the peace. Even less so when he comes face to face with Buck again after all those years. Giddy as always, and still just as recklessly throwing the life away that never ceased being precious to Eddie.

Apparently, the government launched a last-ditch effort to fight the Kaiju. The new Mark-6 Jaegers operated by AI proved not at all successful. Thus, the Lazarus Project was initiated under Captain Nash. Old Jaegers of the Mark-3 generation alongside their pilots have been reactivated. The aim is not to fight the Kaijus per se, but to destroy the Breach, utilizing the Mark-3s' nuclear reactors.

Upon hearing this, Eddie is not surprised that Buck was one of the first to volunteer, and that even though he no longer has a co-pilot to Drift with. Eddie was summoned for some scans and tests, to get a clearer picture of his signature and thus find a ranger matching it as closely as possible. They don't have much time, which is why this far from ideal approach was approved by the higher-ups.

Not that they ever seemed to care, if anyone asked Eddie, but apparently, no one's ever asked him and he doubts that is ever going to change.

Buck and Eddie didn't talk to one another ever since Eddie left the program, following an incident that nearly crushed their Jaeger Lucky Nova - and them inside it. Since then, Eddie married, went ahead to fight as a regular soldier only to nearly die again, leaving Shannon to raise their son almost entirely on her own. And by the time he returned, broken and shattered, she left without a trace.

And now he has to take care of his son in this mad world, constantly having to reset the clocks to wait for another attack that may wipe them out any of these days.

Despite their tensions from the past, Eddie sticks around to see the selection for Buck's new co-pilot through. And just like that, he finds himself stuck in a familiar orbit again, and it's not Lucky Nova's. Buck always had that cosmic pull on him, ever since they first met at the Academy. No matter what happened between them, nothing is ever going to change about that.

Though Eddie is not the only one who finds himself gravitating away from the usual paths. Buck tried his best throughout the years to forget about Eddie. Even now, he tries not to get too used to Eddie sticking around. After all, it's only temporary. Eddie will leave. And yet, it is so easy for Buck to let the familiar gravity carry him away from his endless drifting around the universe. Eddie always had that power over him, and apparently, his son inherited it, times ten.

Buck later on learns that Eddie didn't leave for the reasons he thought he did. To Buck's understanding, Eddie left him because he didn't approve of Buck's refusal to promise him to quit the Jaeger program with him, following the events of the grand explosion. While that gave Eddie the final push, it turns out that this is only part of the truth that forced Eddie into quitting:

Eddie was on the verge of consciousness when Buck operated the Jaeger and thus felt him nearly die. When Buck ignored his health issues after the incident and threw himself right back into danger, not once considering what his partner had to say about it, Eddie couldn't take it anymore, unable to stand by and feel the love of his life dying ever again.

It was one of the toughest choices Eddie ever had to make in life, and he always hoped that Buck would eventually stop, but far from it. Instead, Buck partnered up with Bobby when the older man was still a Ranger, too, and got himself nearly killed again only a few months later. Heroic as it was, he saved Bobby from mortal radiation exposure due to a malfunction in the Jaeger. But yet again, it was at the risk of his own life, because Buck can't seem to see that he can't just throw his life away like that.

After the radiation incident, the Mark-3 generation was disbanded and the Rangers off-duty. That was until Bobby was approached by the government for the Lazarus Project later on. He was more than reluctant to lead this team and reactivate his friends as Rangers, as he is no longer able to operate a Jaeger due to the radiation exposure. Yet, it seems without alternative, and Bobby knows that the most capable Rangers were the ones under his command.

Crisis strikes when multiple Kaiju emerge from the drift and attack the city. While Chim and Hen head into battle with Eureka Jinx, the recruit Buck hoped to partner with, passes out before they can set Lucky Nova into motion. Buck is desperate to get the Jaeger to move. Buck infamously is one of two pilots to ever manage - to save the other man who did it before him, Captain Nash, and his partner Eddie before that.

Eddie can't stand by and gets into gear. Although reliving both their worst nightmares upon Drifting after all those years, they manage to fire up Lucky Nova at once, falling right back into their unmatched synchrony. Together with Hen and Chim, they manage to fight off the Kaiju threatening the city.

In the aftermath, Eddie makes up his mind that he will join for one final mission, which is to close the Breach, but only under the condition that it will also be Buck's last. Buck is furious at first, feeling reminded far too much of how things went down last time, but Eddie manages to make him understand that he doesn't want to leave Buck, he wants to leave with him and finally come home.

Upon this agreement, everyone readies for Lazarus' Rising, a mission that may finally let time move forward again or awaken even greater demons from down below...

Find more moodboards here.

[bxebxee]

What I have to say: This is really not what I typically write, but please allow me my self-indulgence. Also, I am rusty and unpracticed, but this made me happy to write. 

What this is: Yoongi has gone through twenty-seven phone numbers over the last ten years, and you haven’t changed yours since high school. 

What this wants to be: Romance

What this warrants: Rated R for Rotten Relationships (and other things) 

You hold your sister’s new baby reverently. The baby is so small, and you’re scared that your bad morals would somehow seep into the skin through contact diffusion. 

“I feel like I’m already the irresponsible aunt,” you whisper, shooting your sister a terrified look. The baby isn’t even sleeping, but what if your bellowing voice would upset him. “Are you sure-” 

“Yes,” she says firmly, “You’ll be a good godparent. There’s literally nothing to do except spoil your nephew every now and again.” She pauses, a thoughtful look crossing her face. “Unless we die. Then I guess you’d have to be more of a parental figure...” 

You and your brother-in-law interject at the same time in a cacophony of protest. 

“Okay, we are not dying,” he sighs as your octave increases by a half-step, “Please do not say that as I hold your offspring in my arms. I can’t feel them by the way. Seokjin, can you take him? I don’t want to drop him.” 

Seokjin takes the baby, and you feel bereft of warmth. It’s a weird feeling to note that considering your firm No Babies Policy. You miss the baby already. This is witchcraft. 

“It’s just a fucking hypothetical, relax,” your sister laughs, her eyes softening considerably as she sees Seokjin coo over his son. 

“If our baby’s first word is ‘fuck’ I am not taking responsibility,” Seokjin says mildly, eyes never leaving his baby. You don’t really blame him. 

“And you’re not blaming me either. I’ve been good,” you say. 

“Oh please, everyone curses younger these days anyway. I’d rather my son know than not know, you know?”  

“You’re pushing it,” Seokjin warns. 

“You’re such a dad,” she scoffs. 

“And you like it,” he counters. 

“Yeah,” she admits. “Yeah, I do.” 

You check your phone for the time, and it’s thirty minutes before the official start of the baby gathering. Time for you to leave. 

“Hey, it was good to see you guys. And the baby,” you tell them, hugging both lightly so as not to disturb the tenderness of the moment. Bear hugs were for a different day. “I have to head out, but I’ll come visit a lot, okay? I’ll even babysit. For free.” 

“Not staying for lunch?” your sister asks, looking very sad and disappointed, but you steel your heart. The two of you have inherited your mother’s knack of guilt-inducing looks, and you’re not about to fall for it. 

“Not today, no.” 

Seokjin nods, bidding you to take care. He knows why you want to leave before the crowd gets too heavy. 

Unfortunately for you, cosmic luck was not on your side because as soon as the front door shuts behind you, the elevator dings and Yoongi steps out, clad head to toe in celebrity black and holding five Burberry shopping bags. There’s no one around, so you don’t particularly feel the need to stand on the niceties of greetings and choose instead to brush past him in favor of the elevator. 

“And hello to you too.” he remarks sarcastically. 

“Go to hell,” you reply, wishing that you didn’t have to be in a close fucking hallway because you could smell his cologne. 

“Oh come on-” 

You press on the close door button rapidly, and the doors shut out Yoongi with a soft, muted click. 

Twelve hours later, you get a text from an unknown number. Coward is all it said. You stare at your phone screen in bed, seeing typing bubbles start and stop and start and stop. Mister Unknown Number finally settles on silence because nothing follows after the one-word epithet. 

It feels like a dare. 

--

Yoongi finally puts his phone down. You were too smart and too self-respecting to try this all over again with him, and he wants to kick himself for ever thinking that goading you would work when you were clearly over him-

His phone vibrates intensely and consistently. You’re calling him. 

“Hello,” Yoongi says, picking up the phone after just a single ring. Desperate, to be sure, but he wasn’t positive you’d wait for five rings anyway. 

“You changed your number again,” you say without preamble. 

“I’ve actually had this number for two years now,” Yoongi says. “Been getting hacked less and less. Guess you never saved the number.” 

“Why would I?” you ask, petulance peppering every syllable of your words. 

“Why didn’t you stay for the luncheon?” he asks instead of answering your question. 

“And sit in a room with you for a couple of hours pretending everything’s normal? No thanks,” you scoff. “And luncheon? Really?”

“You missed out on the shrimp toast.” 

“I think I’ll live.” 

“So why’d you call?” 

You could take the easy way out. Save your pride and your face, and pretend that you still don’t carry a torch for Yoongi. You could lie and say you just wanted to call and make sure it really was him. But you were always a glutton for pain, and he was all too happy to oblige to your needs. 

“You wanna come over?” you offer, not feeling an ounce of trepidation that he’d reject you. Yoongi always came when you asked. 

“Where do you live?” 

“It’s the same place as last time.” It’s a test. Let’s see if he even remembers my address-

“Be there in thirty.” 

--

He’s late by a few minutes, but Yoongi explains through interrupted kisses and hasty undressing that there was traffic, and he showered- 

“You could have showered here, you know,” you mutter, pawing at his dick and biting down on the juncture between his neck and shoulder. Yoongi always like a little pain.

“I’ll shower here after.” (After he fucked you at least twice, minimum. After he got to see you naked and temporarily his. After he was somewhat satisfied but much too sweaty for sleep.) 

And then it’s No Talking Time for a short while because he has your face occupied with inhaling scant oxygen against the mattress while his own head was buried between your asscheeks and legs, lapping and sucking at you like he had something to prove. Could this count as some form of asphyxiation? Probably. You don’t expect his mouth to make you feel close to losing control. The act had always unnerved you, but you found yourself uncaring of past discomforts and losing yourself into the feeling of soft, insistent lips. 

Yoongi eats you out with soft grunts, hands holding your thighs apart and firm. Don’t move, his hands say. His tongue up your cunt isn’t any sort of giving on Yoongi’s part; this was all selfish. He wants you to cum and feel starstruck and ruined, wants you to get it through your head that your flesh craved his flesh in the same animalistic way he needed you. 

You turn your head around just enough to be able to get out, “You can sto-” 

But he silences you with a warning slap on the ass. You are not to be deterred. 

“Stop with the tongue,” you order. 

“You’re insane,” he hisses, pulling away and shamelessly licking his lips. “You can’t ever just let me-” 

“Put it in now,” you demand. 

Yoongi lets out a terse sigh. “I should just leave right now,” he grumbles, getting up on his knees to rub his dick against you and nudges the head on your opening. “I shouldn’t be here.” He presses inside at “here” and wrenches a moan from your lips. 

“Then leave,” you sigh, pressing your ass back against him, relishing in the feeling of being filled again by Yoongi. “Just go home and jerk off instead. That’s what you’re good at, right? Leaving me?” 

“You’re a bitch for bringing that up during sex,” Yoongi says, fucking into you steadily and slowly, resisting the urge to pound into you like his baser instincts demanded. He was going to enjoy you for as long as he wanted. He knew you wanted it rough and bordering on violent, but he wasn’t going to add more ammo to your already large arsenal of Reasons To Hate Min Yoongi. 

Yoongi leans over completely, letting his torso lay flush against your back, unbothered by your sweat as it mixed with his own. You were going to feel every last inch of him inside and out. He pumps in and out slowly, sucking on your neck and breathing into your hair with audible moans of enjoyment. 

“I’m not leaving,” he groans, reaching over to rub your lower stomach gently, as if comforting you. The intimacy of this wasn’t lost on you, but you can’t find the words to tell him off. You missed his heat and the familiar weight. You are only human, after all. 

Yoongi threads his fingers through your unkempt hair, stroking gently before balling his fists into a pronounced grip. He turns your head to the side and kisses you, your neck straining from the awkward, uncomfortable position. But it reminds you of the beginning - of the before times when things were easier in the shadows of his success and unavailability. 

It’s impossible not to feel things when he fucks you this way, and kisses you, and moans soft nothings into your ear like you’re the only woman he’s ever done this with. You are atrocious at protecting your heart, and even after two years of icing him out, Yoongi barges into you like it’s nothing. 

“Don’t stop,” you moan, heart thumping against your chest. You really, really can’t stand to want him so much. 

“I won’t,” Yoongi reassures, kissing the corner of your eye. He doesn’t speed up, and instead chooses to test the limits of your patience with languorous but firm strokes. “Not until you tell me to.” 

There was nothing that compared to this - not heated fucks with attractive strangers, or money, or getting crossfaded by the Han River. When Yoongi did this to you, you almost felt like he loved you. 

--

Yoongi sleeps silently besides you in the sunlight, completely worn out after an emotionally exhausting round of sex that made him cry when he came inside you. He’s usually sensitive to the light, but he’s out cold and completely drained. You hadn’t expected that part - the crying. You thought it was just sweat until you heard rattling breaths and a hiccup. 

You watch him breathe silently from your place in his arms, unwilling to leave the small cocoon of warmth. You’re the opposite of him, and right now, you’re wired. You’ll probably end up crashing sometime later in the day, but for right now, you’re content to just watch him sleep in your bed, on your pillows, smelling like your body wash. 

You’re too old to be scared, and yet this moment fills you with dread; that once the spell of sex and yearning was broken, everything would tilt back to its regular axis, and you’d be all alone again. If you were younger, you might have up and left already. Leave him before he leaves you. And it’s not like you haven’t done that before. Your entire relationship with Yoongi is always filled with one person leaving behind the other one because nothing about the two of you ever lined up properly. 

But this time, you’re too tired to run away. So you close your eyes and pretend to sleep until it finally comes to claim you. 

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

_The Future_

It’s been a year—a year since they beat Chuck, a year since Jack walked off into the role of God, a year since the world fell back into its new normal … and so did Sam and Dean. They still hunted—there were still monsters out there, not as many, but some; and at first, Dean would look up at the sky and ask “Why?” but Jack didn’t answer him, so eventually he figured the kid had good reason. Maybe there’s some cosmic balance he wasn’t aware of—maybe monsters play their role in the fate of the world as much as he does … or did. A new apocalypse doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, so for the first time in his whole life, Dean feels like he might not have to be important to the world. He can just be important to his people… what’s left of them anyway.

Sam and Eileen moved in together. They don’t live far, but it’s still weird for Dean not to be able to call out to his brother and have him walk down the hall a second later. Dean stayed behind in the bunker. Sam didn’t understand why he wanted to stay there after everything that’s happened, but it’s his home, and in spite of all the memories of pain and death, he has found a comfort in the routine there that still feels too precious to risk—so he spends his days mostly alone. Sometimes Donna or Jody will pop by with the girls. Claire will call him an old, crusty hermit, and he can’t really argue with her, but he tries anyway. Bobby and Charlie stop in between hunts and occasionally ask Dean to work some cases; and Sam and Eileen stay over every so often, and when they do--- Dean feels almost normal again … almost. Because no matter how many times he sees Sam walking around in the bunker, hair longer than ever, reading books and acting like his old nerdy self, and no matter how much he still feels Jack around him everywhere, Dean knows that one of them is still missing. One of them didn’t come back when everyone else did. One of them … a really special one of them, got swallowed up amidst their final war and for some reason, Jack didn’t bring him back like Dean thought he would. He could get over there still being monsters, and people still dying because of them—because he knew that tragedy and pain had to be a part of life to make the good—good; but Castiel meant something to Jack too. Castiel was like a father to him … he basically was Jack’s father considering the real one was the literal devil. How could Jack not make things right and bring him back? How could he just leave him in the Empty? Dean prayed and he questioned and he even researched ways to summon him just to ask those questions, just to understand the reasoning because from where he’s been sitting for the last year, it was a painful and harsh oversight on behalf of the new God.

-Keep Reading-

[mittensmorgul]

aaaahahahahahhhhhhahahh the worst thing Sam ever said to dean. 9.13, The Purge:

Dean: About what you said the other day.

Sam: I thought it didn’t bother you.

Dean: You know Sam, I saved your hide back there. I saved your hide at that church — in the hospital. I may not think things all the way through but when I do, it’s because it’s the right thing. I’d do it again.

Sam: And that is the problem. You think you’re my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in and even when you mess up you think what you’re doing is worth it because you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing more good than bad... but you’re not. Kevin’s dead, Crowley’s in the wind, we’re no closer to beating this angel thing, please tell me, what is the upside to me being alive?

Dean: Are you kidding me? You and me, fighting the good fight together.

Sam: Just once be honest with me, you didn’t save me for me. You did it for you.

Dean: What are you talking about?

Sam: I was ready to die, I was ready. I should have died. But you, you didn’t want to be alone. That’s what this boils down to, you can’t stand the thought of being alone. I’ll give you this much, you are certainly willing to do the sacrifice, as long as you’re not the one being hurt.

Dean: Alright, you want to be honest, if the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you’d do the same thing.

Sam: No Dean, I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t. I’m heading to bed.

(bolding mine, because we’re gonna talk about those words...)

The problem in the Winchester Codependency is this. We’ve talked about it for years-- the fact that yes, they’re brothers, but that Dean also still can’t help but feel “parental” toward Sam, because that’s the role he was forced into as long as he can remember. And as many glimpses of this as Sam has had, and as many small (and sometimes large) moments of insight into Dean, he still either refuses to understand this, or blocks it out, or assumes it’s all handled until the next time this issue rears its ugly head again and it’s like Sam developed amnesia again about why Dean defaults to the Bossy Parent role.

I mean, this is not to discount Dean’s own amnesia over the fact that Sam does NOT have the same hangups about feeling “parental” toward Dean in return, because to Dean the role of Brother and Parent are so tangled up together he can’t always tell what’s what. 

And Kevin... he’s not dead because of Sam-- even though he enjoys putting the blame for it on himself. He’s dead because Gadreel felt BETRAYED by Dean, even though he himself had been betrayed for the better part of the entire history of time... so like... there’s much bigger issues here, but Sam reduces them all down to himself. I mean, Dean also blames himself for everything a lot of the time, but not when it’s in the attempt to save the people he cares about.

The whole “we’ll always try to save each other” that is a BIG part of Dean’s personal definition of what it means to be family on a very basic level... Sam just basically stomped on that and told him it was worthless. And the painful irony is that by 10.03, Sam gets this. He finally put on his grownup pants and did something far more horrific than Dean asking an angel he thought he could trust (based on Cas’s word about Ezekiel being a good soldier, and that angel not completely lying about his identity) to save Sam’s life, and then Sam effectively being held hostage by that angel-- which directly hurt Cas and Dean both, as well. So like... at least Dean is trying to keep the bigger picture in mind here.

And Dean has already punished himself for this in direct ways that Sam has also watched first-hand. He’s expressed how he feels he’s poison and went off and took the Mark of Cain, effectively sacrificing himself to spare Sam and Cas and everyone else from Abaddon. So that bit Sam says there in the second bolded segment? Is potentially the worst thing he’d ever said to Dean up to that point. Because Dean himself has sacrificed more than almost everyone else on this show combined-- his own identity, his own happiness, everything he’s ever wanted in life since he was four years old, his own soul in exchange for Sam’s, and most horrifically his own LIFE in a future where he FINALLY had a chance to be free and live unburdened by mechanism that caused their repeated need to make these awful sacrifices in the first place. They’d finally knocked the monkey wrench out of the cosmic gears, unseated Chuck, and then... for some reason Dean thinks one more final big sacrifice for Sam is what “was supposed to” happen? NO. No, no, fuck that sideways with a container ship.

Yes, Sam repents of all of this in s10 and goes WAY over the top on his revenge mission, because he thinks Dean is dead and that some rando demon was just using his body... at the beginning he doesn’t think Dean CAN be saved. 10.03 is the beginning of Sam’s redemption from this.

And this is why 15.20 is not only implausible to me, but outright offensive. They both struggled horrifically with these things and would eventually forgive and overcome them, only to fall right back into it just in time for the finale.

Yes, Sam’s issues with bodily autonomy and possession throughout the series are at play here, too. And that only makes things worse. Dean will only truly begin to understand that after 13.23, when he will-- without hesitation-- once again make the sacrifice himself to save the people he cares about.

I understand both of their perspectives here, but heck it’s super hard not to feel angry and hurt by Sam’s words. I mean, HOW MANY TIMES has Dean been perfectly willing to be the sacrifice for Sam’s sake, and the ONE TIME he made a choice for Sam-- bearing in mind that Gadreel was also playing ALL of them, and using Dean’s face to secure the Yes from Sam-- Sam can’t let it go. I mean, I’ve written about the “who’s to blame for this” argument and how it just goes right back to the start of creation and puts it all on Chuck for locking up Amara. In this circumstance specifically, though, this is at least PARTLY Dean’s personal guilt over “failing” that first trial way back in 8.14. Sam was never the one who was supposed to “sacrifice” himself to close up Hell. Dean even argued with him that they would find another Hellhound to kill, and Sam busted out the Power of Positive Thinking BS about wanting to SURVIVE the trials when Dean was looking at them as a death sentence. Because they always WERE a death sentence, and no amount of “golly I’d really like to live anyway though” was gonna change that. The entire POINT of what Dean did was trying to CORRECT what he felt was a pointless sacrifice of Sam on the altar of saving everyone else.

So yeah, I hate this bit here. :’D

Because as I hinted at in the previous paragraph there... THIS WAS ALWAYS CHUCK’S STORY. That one brother would have to be sacrificed so the other could live. Because that’s the story of him and Amara. Only one of them could rule over creation. Only Chuck could remain free to create the universe he wanted unhindered, and the story of his universe as told and retold through his own creations was his own self-justification for that original crime. And the final episode of Supernatural gave him exactly that, in the stupidest possible way. It was “we can’t have nice things or a happy life, only one’s death so the other can be free.” The irony was that they weren’t truly free. Dean was just ~dead~ and alone and never sought out what he never got to have in life. Sam abandoned everything he’d grown to know about himself to live a half-life without any real satisfaction, until he finally died, too. It’s just... depressing AF. And it all feels rooted in Chuck’s basic plot rather than truly winning for Free Will and humanity.

I typed on this so long that 9.14 ended, with Kevin’s admonition to them both that they stop behaving like that, since he’d ben watching them be petty from the veil for months. Dean was ready to talk to Sam, but Sam had already turned his back and walked away, completely convinced of his own righteousness in this matter. And at this point in the series I just kinda want to yell at him... >.>

[mochegato]

Hope on Board

Chapter 19 – Let the Rain Fall Down

Chapter 1     Chapter 18

“What do you think?  Looks good right?”  Dick passed a critical eye over the scene in front of him.  “Right,” he confirmed without waiting for a response.  Dick had gotten Marinette’s favorite flowers and had Alfred cook some of her favorite foods, because he wanted it to be special, not take out, and Lord knows, if he tried to cook it would be a disaster.  He’d brought out all the fluffiest blankets and pillows for them to snuggle under after dinner.

“Mrow?” Kismet looked up at him questioningly.  

Dick picked her up to scratch behind her ears.  “I know right?  Do you think she’ll like it?”  Kismet purred and head-butted his chin.  “It has to be perfect.  She deserves perfect.  She’s been working so hard lately, she deserves a break.” He let out a deep breath, checking everything for at least the tenth time.  Tim said she had left about twenty minutes ago so she should be home any minute.

He looked at the flowers again.  Should he put one between his teeth?  That’s romantic isn’t it?  They do that in movies.  He couldn’t think of any at that particular moment, but he was positive he had seen it. Okay, so which one should he choose if he was going to choose one?  He started heading to the flowers and stopped midstride.  The door handle was jiggling.  He stood straight up, then decided leaning against the back of the couch would be sexier.  

He put his hand out to catch himself and leaned, keeping his eyes focused on the door, causing him to miss the back of the couch and stumble, almost face planting into the couch.  He recovered quickly and decided to spare a glance to the position of the couch before leaning against it this time.  He plastered a sexy grin on his face pretending like he hadn’t just almost fell while trying to look cool.

Marinette entered the apartment without looking up. She shook her rain coat a bit out in the hallway to get rid of some rain before she hung it up.  Kismet ran up to greet her, having started moving when the doorknob jiggled, but as soon as she got close to Marinette and the scattering of rain drops, she tried to stop, only sliding a little bit from her momentum. She quickly scooted backward with a scrunched up face, horribly offended by the water.

Marinette let out a light airy laugh at the expression. Dick chuckled too, catching Marinette’s attention.  She looked up, finally noticing the scene he had set.  Her eyes lit up, flitting from each piece Dick had set up.  She grinned at Dick and made her way over to hug him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his chest so she could give him a lovesick smile. “Hey Bluebird.  What’s going on?”

Dick wove his arms around her as well and gave her his best innocent expression.  “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Uh huh.  So you’ll be fine with me going out with friends tonight?  In fact, I’m actually running late.” She started to pull away from him.

He grunted playfully and pulled her back to his arms. “Oh no, it looks like you’re trapped. Must be a problem with gravity today. Guess you’ll have to cancel.”

Marinette giggled.  “Oh no.  What will we do?”

“Guess we’ll have to stay in,” Dick shrugged.  “What a coincidence we have a full dinner and extremely comfy blankets available.”

Marinette hummed at him.  “It’s almost like someone planned it.”  She raised an eyebrow at him.

Dick nodded thoughtfully.  “Almost.  We must just be really lucky.”

Marinette shook her head with a smile.  “You’re ridiculous.  What is all this?”

“I wanted to spoil you tonight.  I thought you deserved it,” he said sweetly.

Marinette quirked her head at him, brows furrowed in confusion.  “I do? What did I do?”

“Hmm.  If you really need a reason, we can go with you grew four tiny lungs today.  But in reality, I just thought everything about you was so amazing, you deserved to be pampered,” He answered quietly.

Marinette blushed and buried her head in his chest. “Dick…”

“Or,” he interrupted before she could say something deprecatory about herself.  He licked his suddenly dry lips slowly preparing to say what this whole night was about.  Dick brushed her bangs out of her eyes and gently rubbed his thumb on her cheek. His heart was thundering as he prepared to say the words he had realized himself a few days ago.  He gazed into her eyes, his complete affection for her pouring out.  “Or, just because… I love you.”

Marinette’s eyes widened in surprise and her breath hitched.  He said he loved her.  He loved her! An effervescent smile spread across her face.  He loved her. “Dick, I…”

“Mother fu…” Dick yelled out as his phone chimed in a cosmically epic demonstration of bad timing.  He grabbed his phone out of his pocket.  “Somebody better be dying…”  He paused listening to the voice on the opposite side of the line.  “Are you sure?”  An excited smile started to appear.  “Yeah, I’ll be right there.”  He hung up and tucked the phone in his pocket.  This was exactly what they needed.  This could be the key.  This could lead to stopping the Court of Owls latest plan and once their big plot was dismantled, he could finally be confident Marinette and the babies would be safe, well as safe as anyone could be in Gotham, but significantly safer anyway.

He grabbed Marinette by her arms and gave her a quick, excited kiss.  “This is it! This could be exactly what we needed!” He was bouncing on his toes from excitement.  He could not wait for this all to be over and he could finally, finally focus entirely on Marinette, Lucy, and Robert.  “I should be back in one, maybe two days.”  He kissed her cheek and just barely remembered to grab an umbrella as he ran out the door.

<><><><><> 

Patrol was miserable.  It always was when it rained.  She did not get paid enough for this.  She didn’t get paid at all so really this was her own fault.  She should know better.  She sighed as she swung from building to building, trying to find respite under awnings and ledges.  Completely ineffectual things.  Why did she even bother?  It wasn’t going to be any warmer or less miserable under there at this point.  She was soaked and this was stupid.  She was going back to the Cave.  She just wanted to swing by Dick and Marinette’s apartment quickly before she went back.  She was sure Marinette was okay but with Dick leaving suddenly, she just wanted to check on her.

Stephanie settled on the roof and prepared to swing by the windows to check it out when she caught sight of someone standing outside the building.  Sucker, she chuckled to herself.  At least she wasn’t the only stupid one out tonight.  She watched as a car pulled up to the sidewalk and a familiar blonde jumped out to greet the person.  The figure almost collapsed in his arms.  Fuck! That must be Marinette.  What was going on?

Stephanie swung down to the alleyway a few feet away from Marinette and Adrien.  She slid a camera around the corner to see what was going on, the sensitive microphone picking up on their conversation for her.

“What happened?  I thought things were going well,” Adrien asked into her hair.

Marinette shook her head and continued to cry for a few more minutes.  “He… he said I love you.”

Adrien gave her a strange look.  “That’s good isn’t it?  He loves you.  You love him. Celebration time.  Practice making more babies.”

Marinette whimpered and fell further into his arms. “But then he ran away.  He said it and before I could even react, he ran away. He got a call and got so excited. Like that was the most amazing thing that happened to him tonight.  Seconds after saying he loved me for the first time.  And then he just ran away like it was nothing… at least nothing important.”  She sniffled and wiped her eyes, her cheeks immediately getting wetted again by the rain. “I just… I can’t tell.  I can never tell where I am with him.”

Adrien sighed and rubbed her back.  “Maybe it was something big?”

“Bigger than me anyway,” she answered miserably.  “He didn’t even wait for me to respond.”

“You need to talk to him about it,” Adrien said softly

“I have!  He promised he would focus on us.  He promised he would make us a priority, that he wouldn’t just cut out anymore.  I mean, I understand having to leave.  I do. I understand he has to work.  It sucks but it’s work and we have it better than a lot of people, but… does he have to act so excited to leave?” She asked desperately.

“Are you sure you aren’t clinging to something that isn’t right because of the twins?” Adrien asked carefully.

“No!  I mean they’re a driving force, but I love him.  He’s so sweet and thoughtful and funny.  He gets so excited about the littlest things and wants to share them with me.  He’s so supportive.  He thinks about me and considers what I want.” Marinette protested.  He was.  He was all those things.  Adrien just didn’t understand.

“Does he though?” he kept his tone non-confrontational. He needed her to consider his words, and not just get defensive.

“Yes!” She paused.  “No… I don’t know.  I just… I don’t know.  It’s like… when we’re together, it’s amazing.  It’s magical.  We connect so well.  But then he leaves and even when he’s home, if he’s working on work, it’s all he sees. I don’t… I think sometimes maybe I’m the only one feeling like that, but it looks like he is too.  Tonight he put so much effort into making the apartment look so romantic.  I don’t know. It’s wrong, but I don’t know how or why and I’m trying to fix it, but I don’t know what the problem is so I don’t know how to fix it.  And he won’t talk to me about it.”

“Oh, Bugaboo.” He hugged her tighter.  “You can’t fix everything.  There’s no Miraculous Cure for relationships.  If he isn’t willing to make you and the twins a priority, there is nothing you can do to change that.  You just need to decide if that is something you are willing to live with.  Is it something you’re willing to let your children live with.”  He waited a few minutes to let his words set in.  

Tonight had been as surprising as expected.  He had been waiting for it to happen.  Dick had been blowing Marinette off for weeks. But he had been hoping he had been wrong.  And as much as he wanted to go punch some sense into Dick and keep Marinette and the twins far, far away from him, it had to be Marinette’s decision.  “Come on, let’s go back to my place.  We can get pizza and watch bad movies.  A night or two away from the situation might make things clearer.”   Marinette nodded and let him guide her into his car.

Stephanie cursed and considered what to do with the information.  She knew why Dick had left.  She understood his excitement, but Marinette didn’t.  And the dumbass had decided he would not tell his extremely stressed, hormonal girlfriend about it, especially while there was the possibility of her going into early labor if she had too much stress.  Fucking Hell.  She did not get paid enough for this shit.

Okay, so if the dumbass wasn’t going to continue to be a dumbass the rest of them were going to have to pull up the slack.  She pushed her com to activate it.  “Black Bat, Oracle, Hood, we have some talking to do back at the Cave.  Oracle, can you call Red Robin?”  She wouldn’t tell them everything, she didn’t want Dick dead, but she could certainly get a better support network started.

<><><><><> 

He sped through the rain-slicked city streets, weaving between cars and trucks.  He just wanted to get home and it was a home now.  It wasn’t an escape from family, it was his family.  It felt warm and welcoming, relaxing and inviting.  All because of Marinette.  Moving in together was one of the best decisions he had ever made.  They may have moved extremely quickly, but it had worked out beautifully.  He got to fall asleep to Marinette’s even breathing and wake up to her beautiful, bright eyes.

He couldn’t wait to finally see and hold Marinette again. His arms felt too light without her in them.  He parked haphazardly in the closest spot he thought he could find and barely remembered to take his keys out before running toward their apartment.

He had been gone longer than he expected, by about a day and a half, and his whole body felt like there was an underlying electricity pulsing through his veins to finish where they left off.  They finally told each other they loved each other! They loved each other and lived together and were about to have a family together and he was closing in on the Court of Owls plan.  His latest trip was exactly what they needed.  It had broken everything open.  Everything in his life was coming together better than he ever thought it could, far better than he deserved.

He fumbled with the keys to get the door open as quickly as possible.  His fingers weren’t working correctly anymore and for a reason completely unrelated to the massive bruise that was forming on his shoulder and back.  His excited smile faltered when he entered the quiet, dark apartment.  “Marinette?” It was Saturday.  She would normally be home, but the apartment was empty. None of the normal warmth and laughter, no lingering scent from cookies.  She wasn’t there.  And without her there, their home felt like nothing more than a cold room, one he didn’t want to be in anymore.

He looked over to the calendar on the refrigerator. She couldn’t have a doctor’s appointment on Saturday… Damn it!  Baby and Infant CPR classes.  They’d signed up for them a while ago.  He already knew how to give CPR to babies and infants, but it was for Marinette and something for their babies, so they wanted to do it together.  He kicked the cabinets.  Yet another missed event.  Spectacular. He checked the time and grabbed the car keys.  If he pushed it, he could make it there as she was leaving the class and take her out for lunch.  He gave Kismet a scratch and ran out the door again.

Chapter 20

Tags:

@dickinette-february @demonicbusiness @ichigorose @iloontjeboontje @ladybug-182 @toodaloo-kangaroo @dast218 @golden-promises @trippingovermyfeet @emimar7 @laurcad123 @lady-bee-fechin @thewitchwhowaited

[inthiswhisper]

just some thoughts on 15x16....

continuing on this point — this episode felt like a giant metaphor for where dean’s headspace is in terms of billie’s plans for jack. and how young dean and sam are mirrors of older dean and sam, obviously, while travis is a mirror of jack and caitlin is a bit of a mirror of cas.

travis underwent ‘immersion therapy’ in order to face his fears after a hard life, which began after facing a monster sam and dean ‘saved’ him from. nothing helped him cope, so a doctor insisted he return to where he was traumatized and find healing in that. instead, the monster came back and finished the job, killing him.

while sam and dean believed travis when they were younger, dean didn’t believe caitlin, his sister, this time that it was actually the monster and not just travis dying by his own hand—

dean: i know it's hard, okay? but you said it yourself... this ‘immersion therapy’ was making things worse. maybe coming here... sent him over the edge. ... that thing, it's not here.

caitlin: you've changed. back then, you believed him, even before i did.

dean: well, this is different.

sam: dean, we don't know what happened.

dean: ... i know it's hard. but that has to be what happened, because that other thing, i killed it. i'm sorry.

—but when the monster almost forces dean to stab himself in the heart over failing travis—

dean: caitlin, i'm sorry. i just... i didn't want to believe you.

sam: dean thought he killed it. i mean, we all thought he killed it.

dean: yeah, well, i didn't, and now travis is...

sam: ... if we want to stop her for good this time, we need to figure out first what she is. what do we know?

caitlin: ... she plays with people. back then, she could've just grabbed travis, but he said she drew it out. lured him, made a sick, freaky game of it.

dean: she can look like other people, other things. just now, she looked like me when i was a kid.

—dean realizes the monster is real and that she was cunning. she lured travis in and played with him before setting up his demise. this is what reminded me of billie keeping jack on a need-to-know basis regarding her plan. it was a game to lure jack to his demise and fulfill her plan.

i think dean took so long to believe the monster existed while caitlin and sam didn’t because—

cas: well, i have my concerns, but… jack trusts billie, and i trust jack.

sam: but what about cosmic balance, cas? i mean, jack’s gonna kill god? what about amara?

dean: i have seen billie’s library, and i have spent time with her. 'trust’ is a strong word, but… i believe in her. there’s no one more committed to the rules than she is. she’s probably got it all figured out.

sam: like she had the ma’lak box figured out? all i’m saying is i wish we knew more.

—dean also believed in billie while cas and sam were skeptical. and then billie appeared in this episode—

billie: i visited jack in your bunker, gave him his final orders. the last step of his transformation.

dean: filling him up with your cosmic TNT so he can die. how'd you talk the kid into that one?

billie: i told him the truth. jack killed your mother, and all he wants is your forgiveness. and i surmise that the only way he can get that is ending god and freeing you from the... what did you call it? hamster wheel. was i wrong?

—revealing that she did lure jack, by reminding jack of his guilt. that sam and dean wouldn’t forgive him if he didn’t sacrifice himself and free them. and then comes the conflict—

billie: this is on you, dean. ... do we have a problem?

dean: no, i want chuck dead. ... i don't have to like every part of the plan.

billie: and your brother? ... i don't care why you've been hiding this from [him]. but i don't like loose ends, dean. ... i need to know that you've got your house in order.

—that dean is headed down the same path he was with travis. believing he was right, that he killed the monster, only leading to travis / jack’s demise. because, while dean originally thought god / the monster would be dead and jack / travis would live, god / the monster came in a different form — billie — who is after jack, hoping to kill him for her plan to be executed. and dean is willing to believe in the plan, which is why caitlin being disappointed in dean and saying he ‘changed’ must’ve struck me. he wouldn’t just let a monster win and stand by letting it. but because he’s desperate to be free of chuck, to be right, he’s turning his cheek and thinking he, sam, and cas have no choice. but they do, and dean changing his mind after he faced the monster i think might reflect that.

so, i have more thoughts, but i’ll leave it at that.

[hxt1b]

This Time

Sungchan x Reader brief Chenle x Reader 

Requested Prompt 17 Drunken Mistakes 

Genre: Angsty fluff (I think), College AU 

Warning: Swearing 

WC: 1.8k

Masterlist 

A/N: I hope you guys like this. Please excuse the grammatical errors, I read it over but I still may have missed some things. 

You'd only ever felt true regret a couple of times in your life. The first was letting your mom convince you into wearing a bright pink dress at your tenth birthday party. The second time was senior year of high school when you'd opened your stupid mouth to tell your best friend you liked him. Sungchan had stared at you for a couple of seconds before laughing, 'good joke.' He'd said and you'd laughed along with him after that. Internally feeling like you were dying as heat flooded your face. You definitely regretted that more than the pink dress. 

Yet you did your best to move past that, it took you an insanely long time but you did it, or at least you were working on it. This time you thought it might finally work. 

So here you were walking into a party, your hand tucked into your boyfriend, Chenle's, starting off your second year of university.

Sungchan trailed behind you both, he'd been in a weird mood since you introduced him to your boyfriend, but to be honest, you expected it, he never liked it when you talked to guys giving off this unnecessarily protective energy. So this time you just made sure you informed your boyfriend before you let him meet your best friend. 

Nonetheless, when the first interaction took place it was still deathly awkward. 

You were repeatedly wiping your hands on your pants as you waited for Chenle to buzz the apartment so you could let him in. Sungchan was sitting on your couch glaring at his phone as you both waited. 

"He's late," Sungchan said not looking up from his phone, obviously annoyed. You sighed grabbing your phone and checking the time. He wasn't late, it was just a minute past the time he said he'd be there. 

Not even a second later the buzzer went off forcing you to spring into action and get let him in. 

"Sorry, I'm late," Chenle said once he got to your door, a huge bouquet in his hands. 

Sungchan scoffed from his spot as he got up. 

"She doesn't like flowers." He said walking towards the door. Your boyfriend frowned, before looking down at you. You opened your mouth to object but Chenle spoke before you could. 

"That's fine because they're for you." He shoved the bouquet past you and into Sungchan's chest as your best friend stopped behind you. You giggled quietly as Sungchan scowled. 

It had been a month since then and they still didn't get along. But your boyfriend didn't scare off because of Sungchan. 

—

Sungchan hated his life. Why? Because it was a huge cosmic joke. The girl he was head over heels for liked him, well she liked him back in high school and he fucked it up. How? By being a dumb idiot that couldn't sort out his feelings to save his life. Now he was stuck in a constant state of peril as the girl of his dreams brought guy after guy. Selfishly he had managed to scare all of them off. Except for this motherfucker. 

You got up to go to the bathroom, Sungchan glared at the flowers on the counter behind your new boyfriend's head. His head was swimming with ways to get this idiot out of his way too. 

Sungchan didn't understand why he did it, not really, because he didn't know how to actually confess to you. But he couldn't watch you date other people. He realized he was being a selfish dick, but he didn't know how to stop. 

"I understand you." The boy said pulling Sungchan from his thoughts. Sungchan frowned at him, confused as to what he was getting at. 

"You want her for yourself. She told me how you're protective. Somehow you managed to drive off all the other idiots. They didn't deserve her anyway." The boy stared at Sungchan meeting his growing scowl with a smile. "I on the other hand like her a lot, and I'll be damned if I let you win this just so you can sit on your ass and do nothing." 

Sungchan hated him, he hated him with every fibre in his body because that night he was right. To this day he was right. Somehow he did everything right, he listened to you, said the right things, showed you his feelings. Sungchan should be happy for you, glad that you finally had a great guy one that even Sungchan could see was great for you. A guy that Sungchan could not be like no matter how much he wanted to be like him. 

So dragging his feet he trailed after the two of you. He decided that once he walked into the doors of that party, he would let go of his foolish desire. His pinning had to end, he had to let you be happy and move on. He had to for your sake, and his because he couldn't live like this. He shouldn't live like this. And so once he passed the thresh hold, he somehow got a hold of a bottle of Bombay Gin and that was the beginning of what he'd like to call the end. 

Except that it wasn't the end. 

— 

You realized that Sungchan was drunk when he started to slur his words and his cheeks took on a red hue. You realized that Sungchan was way too drunk when he threw his arm over your shoulders and dragged you to everyone in the party telling them that you were his bestest friend. 

Chenle was off playing beer pong with some of his friends. Whilst you made sure Sungchan stayed on the life side of things. You took the Gin away from him leaving it on the counter as you dragged him to a couch to sit on. He was a lot taller than you, and it was becoming exhausting supporting his weight. 

"You know," He started as you pushed him into the couch, "I want to tell you a secret." 

You laughed at how drunk he was, you hadn't actually seen him this drunk since high school. 

"What's up?" You asked. 

"I like this girl." He said. You laughed again, and even though you didn't want it to your heart clenched. You felt guilty because you had an amazing boyfriend, and it had been two whole years of liking this idiot. You should be over this, but maybe it took time, and maybe Chenle would help it, but maybe he wouldn't. 

"Who?" You asked finally settling into the couch next to him. 

"You." He said, just as Chenle walked over. Your heart felt like it stopped, your breathing coming in slowly as you stared at your boyfriend. 

"I need to go home." You said getting up as Chenle grabbed onto you. He took your face in, his eyes scanning your features and simply nodded guiding you out the house. 

— 

You were ignoring him, and he wanted to say that he couldn't understand why. Sungchan wanted to say that he was so black-out drunk the night before that he couldn't remember anything. But he remembered. He turned over in bed groaning loudly into it as the night played in his head again. The pain on your face that you couldn't even hide torturing him as he closed his eyes. 

His phone finally rang with a call from you at six pm. Sungchan was still in bed, his head aching. He grabbed his phone from under his pillow however and quickly answered. 

"I'll be over in five minutes." You said and hung up. He cringed at your tone, whatever he was about to hear from you wasn't going to be pleasant. 

You started speaking before he could even open the door. A hard shove moving him out of the way as you barged in. 

"-fuck you. You are a selfish prick. I don't care how drunk you were. I have tried so hard to move on do you know that?" You asked him. He flinched back from you. Your eyes were angry and all of the anger was directed at him and every bit of it valid. He couldn't look at you so he turned his head to the floor fixating his eyes on his own feet. 

"Do you understand how hard I've tried?" Your voice broke on your last word, and Sungchan's head snapped up to your face. You were crying, he moved forward his body moving before he could stop it. He gathered you into his arms but you pushed away from him, going to the far side of the living room, deeper into his apartment. 

He stayed glued to his spot. 

"I hate you!" You yelled, your tears flowing out your eyes as you began to sob. Sungchan's hands twitched at his side his heart broke as he watched you. 

"I hate you so fucking much!" You yelled again. Sungchan's eyes stung but he didn't take them off you. Not again, because he did this to you. 

"I've liked you for so fucking long and the moment I almost move on you fucking do this." You slumped into his couch, your hands covering your face as you continued to cry. 

Sungchan quickly moved to your side, his hands pulling at you until you were settled against his chest. He blinked his eyes controlling his own tears before he spoke. 

"I'm sorry Y/N. I'm so sorry, and if I could take it back I would." You only cried harder at his words soaking his black t-shirt as he held you. 

"Fuck you Sungchan." You said again as your hand fisted into his shirt holding him closer to you. 

Sungchan held you until you calmed down. 

Pulling away from him you wiped at your face. 

"Chenle and I broke up this morning." You said, and even though it shouldn't Sungchan's heart sang in his chest. 

"He was pissed. He said that he should have known from the beginning that he was in a losing game." Your voice shook as you spoke. Sungchan grabbed at you again but you pulled away from his grasp. 

"That doesn't mean I'm just going to date you." You said clearly still angry. 

Sungchan nodded, trying to hide his smile. "But you'll let me take you out eventually?" He asked 

You looked over at him again, your eyes were swollen from the crying and your hair a mess, somehow you still looked perfect to him. 

"Maybe." You replied. 

"How about Friday, two weeks from now?" He asked. You narrowed your eyes at him, and he smiled back at you. 

"Cool, I'll pick you up at 6." 

You rolled your eyes at him. Which only prompted him to ask another question. 

"So what movie do you want to watch tonight and where do you want to get take out from?" He knew you would stay, he knew you'd cuddle him. He knew you too well. Because although you grumbled, although you were mad, although you hated him currently. You leaned back into the couch your shoulder leaning into his. 

"Pizza, and you’re paying." 

This time Sungchan wasn't going to do nothing. This time Sungchan was gonna get his girl. 

[cosmicjoke]

Hi there cosmic! I noticed you've recently answered an ask in regards to Levi's thoughts in 133. Your response actually made me very curious. I totally agree with you regarding the fact the promise is not the only factor Levi is focusing on but in chapter 133 wasn't his intention of bringing up Zeke as the mediator of the rumbling Because of the fact he wants to desperately kill him (u know, taking the promise into account about this)? I always thought this was the primary reason but I could be wrong.

The reason it seems to me this way is probably because in 136 he was desperately looking for Zeke even in his severe condition to kill him. I don't think it's right to consider Levi as an one-dimentional character tbh. He's so much more than his promise to Erwin. That's why I'm struggling with these thoughts. Twitter can be detrimental in this case as well. Anyways, I'd love to read ur opinion on this matter. Thanks!

Hi there,

Of course Levi wanted to kill Zeke, because not only Erwin, but all of the soldiers that had followed him in his charge died that day precisely to give Levi a chance to kill the Beast Titan. It wasn't simply his promise to Erwin that motivated Levi into wanting to kill Zeke, but more than anything, his desire to ensure his comrades that died that day didn't die in vain. Levi's failure to kill Zeke that day was, to him, a failure to render the deaths of his comrades with purpose.

But to claim that was the ONLY reason Levi wanted to kill Zeke is absurd. Levi had, at that point, pretty much given up on any chance of it even happening, knowing in his current condition, and his inability to know where Zeke was, or locate him at all, his chances of fulfilling the promise he made that day were slim. But he was still, even having resigned himself to the likelihood of not being able to kill Zeke, fighting for humanity, to save humanity. Once again, further evidence of this fact lies in how Levi continued to fight even after he'd chopped Zeke's head off. He was the first to realize everyone was being turned into Titans, and knew that only he and Mikasa would be able to finally end it by putting an end to Eren. It was Levi who dragged Mikasa up onto Falco's back and rallied and lead her into doing what needed to be done, and himself gave her the opening she needed to deliver the final blow. If ALL Levi cared about was killing Zeke, he would have just laid back and let whatever was going to happen, happen, and not done anything to fight it. But instead he did exactly the opposite.

People take Levi's desire to kill Zeke and twist it into some absurd, out of character drive for revenge, when it was never about that. It was about ensuring the lives of his comrades in Shinganshina weren't given in vain. Levi was so obsessed with killing Zeke because he couldn't bear the thought of all those men and women dying for no reason at all, he couldn't tolerate the idea that they gave their lives for nothing. So of course, he was determined to kill Zeke, but within the greater context of Eren's mass destruction, the need to kill him became broader than just giving the sacrifices of his comrades that day meaning, and became an actual, practical need in the face of Eren's genocide. The proof of this lies also in the fact that it DID stop the Rumbling, once Zeke was dead.

Another angle I don't think people ever consider, in Levi bringing up killing Zeke in 133, is that, despite Eren's betrayal and mad actions, like everyone else there, Levi had considered him and still, in many ways I think, wanted to consider Eren his friend and ally. When Levi learns of the MP's plans to feed Eren to someone else, he's wholly against the idea, in part because he can't, again, bear the thought that he and his comrades had sacrificed so much to protect and rescue Eren all those years, again and again, only for it to end in his being killed, but also, I think, because he didn't WANT to just flatly condemn Eren and believe without question that he'd turned on all of them and their goals. No one ever considers that it was hard for Levi too, to have to watch Eren lose his mind like that and go on a genocidal rampage, or that it would be painful for Levi, to have to kill one of his comrades, a young man whom he'd fought with and beside for the better part of five years at that point. But knowing how deeply Levi cares for all his comrades, how attached he becomes, and how heavily their loss' always weigh on him, it only makes perfect sense that it would be incredibly difficult and heartbreaking for him, to have to be pitted against him, to indeed have to take his life in order to save the lives of others. I think, beyond saving humanity, Levi was also, like the rest of his group, hoping beyond hope that Eren could still, in some way, be saved.

Well, anyway, anyone who tries to claim that Levi only cared about killing Zeke because he was obsessed with getting revenge for Erwin have such a miserably stupid lack of understanding for his character, they aren't even worth engaging with, honestly. It shows a profound deficiency in reading comprehension on their part. Either that, or, like I said before, they're just haters, looking for a reason to shit on Levi because he's more popular than whoever their favorite might be. Probably Eren, or Zeke, lol.

[incurablehumanist]

okay so people were talking about Dean’s feelings towards Cas today and it activated my deepest, most ardent Destiel thoughts which led me to writing this. whatever this is. i had originally planned to make this point much more eloquently with quotes and everything but oh well, have some word vomit instead. also fuck the supernatural finale

so Dean meets Castiel the Angel of the Lord, marble statue, junkless, "warriors of god", all powerful, has a divine purpose, whatever. and over the next 3 years he watches Cas: 

express doubts and fears in his purpose (to Dean, after hearing Dean’s own doubts abt God’s Plan) leading to him 

eventually rebelling against his very nature and God's plan (for Dean, at Dean’s insistance) which KILLS him (first time of many), though he gets brought back, supposedly, by God Himself which

causes him to become obsessed with finding God (which Dean encourages), but instead of finding him he learns that God is gone and wants nothing to do with them, causing an existential crisis that 

results in him losing his powers (while helping Dean), being ostracized from his home, and eventually being killed AGAIN (while trying to help Dean, natch). he comes back again (“are you god?” “that’s nice compliment but no”) then he 

uses his newfound free will (which dean encouraged him to exercise for the first time in his however-many-millenia of life) to make some colossally bad choices which led to him 

and meanwhile in that time Dean has been growing more and more fond of the angel, he cares more and more about him, he likes him. and then Cas ~betrays him. he goes dark side, he almost causes yet another apocalypse. but instead of treating him like any other antagonist, Dean just feels so hurt by what Cas did, and he just wants to"fix this". and then, right as they're about to, Cas dies. again. and Dean is left with the pain and the anger and the growing realization that he loves this being, this cosmic entity, except look where it's gotten them? so he grieves all through s7 until suddenly Cas is back, sort of, and Dean is overjoyed except he's confronted by the consequences of Cas's actions (which he sees as ultimately the consequences of his own) in Cas’s “insanity” and that kills him almost as much as Cas's many, many deaths did.

killing huge swathes of his kind, basically destroying heaven, almost destroying the world, and then dying (again).

that's in just the three years since Cas met Dean.

by the end of S7 you've got Dean, fully in love with Cas but also fully, wholly convinced that that love is what broke Cas (“the moment Castiel laid a hand on you in hell he was lost”). so of course he doesn't acknowledge it except in these diluted, platonic-or-familial coded ways. because that's all he can safely allow himself to do. that's all he can risk. “We're not stronger when we're together, Sam. I think we're weaker. Because whatever we have between us—love, family, whatever it is—they are always gonna use it against us.” (yes I know this was said to Sam but the sentiment still stands). he didn’t miss the fact that Cas did all these things for him, that Cas cared about him or believed in him or whatever. he never believed Cas loved him, could love him, the way a human could love another human, because what evidence did he even have that such a thing was possible? but whatever it was Cas felt for him, it destroyed him (“maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. seems like when they try, it just breaks them apart”).

by S8 of course Dean is going to move heaven and earth (and purgatory, and hell, and…) to keep Cas by his side. of course he’s going to ache for him when he’s gone. but he’s never going to tell Cas he loves him. he’s never going to tell Cas to stay. because he knows that staying is what broke Cas in the first place. love is a weakness. love is a luxury he can’t afford.

which is what makes the scene in 15x18 all the more beautiful and all the more painful. because finally, finally you have Cas telling Dean that yes, he loves him. yes, Dean changed him. but Cas explains that Dean made him better. Dean made him care. "I cared about the whole world because of you”. Cas reframed Dean’s entire perspective on their love from a weakness to a strength. not even to talk about how Cas completely deconstructed Dean’s view of himself, giving him the redemption arc he never believed he deserved or could be allowed to have.

and yet. and yet. that final declaration of love, that acknowledgement of the very foundation of their relationship for the past 10+ years, ended up being the very thing that killed Cas (again), and this time, seemingly, for good. so even though Cas stood there and told him his love was good, and pure, and worthy, Dean was still left with the horrible realization that it was also what took Cas away from him, as usual. and because we didn’t get Cas’s return in 19 or 20, he’s right. yes Cas was supposedly in heaven with Jack, but he still died. Dean still lost him. that’s why Cas not coming back after 18 was so devastating. it just reaffirmed what Dean had always believed: that their love could only cause heartbreak. their love could only tear them (and each other) apart.