#he needs dr. copeland

[bi-james-barnes]

this. i was happy to see buck happy regardless of partner (tommy, eddie, mystery partner that doesn’t exist rn, etc) but like once i calmed down it made sense that they both have issues. tommy has commitment issues and buck commits too much at the sacrifice of himself.

okay actually i do need to say this. before i sleep. because if you genuinely believe that buck. BUCK BUCKLEY. truly saw a future with tommy and that this relationship was any different to his previous relationships. you do not understand buck buckley and frankly you never have. like, this is made abundantly clear during the conversation with josh. if you actually care to pay attention. because time and time again buck bases his identity, self-worth and happiness on the person he is dating. josh asks him if he considers tommy's happiness in the same way he considers his own. and buck's answer is yes, of course. because he is fundamentally unable to tell the difference between the two. because he thinks that making tommy happy is the same as being happy himself. when, actually, it's at the expense of his own happiness. he misunderstands entirely what josh is trying to say. he impulsively asks tommy to move in with him because he thinks it will make tommy happy which will then also make him happy. because buck is nothing if not a people pleaser. due to, well. the Trauma. he never got off the hamster wheel. dating a man didn't fix any of this. because it was never about that (and suggesting it was is, well. biphobic actually). buck's issue has always been that he does not know how to be in a relationship without shrinking himself down to the shape and size of a person he thinks his partner wants and losing himself in the process. which he was about to do again. and well. lmao. for once tommy's self-preservation was actually a good thing. because wow, that could have been taylor all over again.

[firetruckfolks]

Begin (Again)

for @118dailydrabble Day 14: Begin | Buck & Dr. Copeland, Pre-s4

---------

“You seem nervous,” Dr. Copeland pointed out. 

Her voice was kind. Soft, but not condescending. Buck had chosen her because of reviews labeling her as ‘understanding’ and ‘professional’, but a kind voice was a nice addition. 

“Is this your first time in therapy?” Dr. Copeland asked. 

“I don’t- um-” Buck stammered, trying to find a way to explain that didn’t involve telling her the real reason he went to therapy once and never again. 

“Let’s restart,” She cut in, modeling a deep breath. Buck followed her lead, his heart starting to settle. 

“Where would you like to begin, Evan?” 

Evan. 

When she said it, it didn’t sound like a curse word.

Maybe that was a place to start.

[mazzystar24]

You know what I find interesting that may not be intentional or mean anything but is interesting nonetheless?

The way when the others like Maddie or Eddie are shown in therapy with Frank we not only have seen the actual sessions but also frank is referred to as Frank

Now I’ve had therapy and a good 95% of people in my life are either currently or used to be in therapy and it’s pretty commonplace for therapists to use their first names with patients (I think cos it builds rapport or something)

But thing is with Buck’s therapy we’ve only seen the dr wells incident and then the sessions with Dr Copeland aren’t REALLY shown and Dr Copeland I’m pretty sure has only been referred to as such

Which makes me wonder if this is to show a healthy boundary after the dr wells incident or is it to show a disconnect to his therapy and it not working

Ooo another detail I noticed is on the one part of his session we saw she referred to him as Evan:

Gif from: @911hiatus

This was around the same (?) time where he flat out says people who know him call him Buck

Now that being said we HAVE seen exceptions of that and it could just be because he’s listed on documents as Evan but still I don’t see any reason why she wouldn’t call him buck or why she should be part of the exceptions

Anyways I thought these things were interesting when you put them all together even if they may be 100% unintentional

[likeshipsonthesea]

you make me

bucktommy ficlet. had a convo about love. had some feelings. gave them to buck. enjoy~

The entire loft is soaked in the hazy blue light of pre-morning. Buck can hear the mechanical thrum of garbage collectors, a handful of singing birds, quiet but steady breathing. His body is sore, from work and then from Tommy, a satisfying reminder of a yesterday well spent. Everything is warm and soft like Saturday morning, even though he's fairly sure it's Tuesday.

The clock on his bedside table tells him it's much too early to get up for a Tuesday, so he turns over to get comfortable and ends up face to face with Tommy's sleep-slacked expression.

Buck watches him in that way that's only creepy if you're not in love. Takes note of his eyelashes resting against the tops of his cheeks, his lips shadowed by the slant of his nose, how the dawning daylight catches on the angles of his face. He wants to touch, but not enough to disturb the serenity of sleep on his boyfriend's face.

Eddie tells him he says that a lot. My boyfriend. "We all know his name," Eddie says, tone harsh but a creeping smirk giving away the joke.

When Buck brought it up with Dr. Copeland, she asked him why he thinks he says it so much, but it was towards the end of their session so they didn't really get into it. Buck thinks it's probably something to do with his self-image problems, or maybe his abandonment issues? Dr. Copeland's better with the answers than he is.

Calling him Tommy is fine, but saying my boyfriend says my meatless lasagna needs more starch just reminds Buck that Tommy's his and, even more novel, Buck is Tommy's.

Buck likes being Tommy's boyfriend.

Tommy's boyfriend knows Tommy's coffee order, and drops it off along with a savory treat for him at the start of a long shift. Tommy's boyfriend always knows exactly where Tommy left his blue-light glasses and grabs them before they head to bed so Tommy can read another chapter of the cheesy historical fiction novel on his tablet. Tommy's boyfriend is the one Tommy goes to after a hard shift, to talk to or hug or just sit in the same room with until the rest of the world is less heavy.

As Tommy's boyfriend, Buck is still all the things he was before--firefighter, brother, friend--but knowing there's someone who trusts him enough to sleep beside him and let him stare at their face like a creeper in the early hours of the morning--there's this unfathomable freedom to it.

It's like--if Tommy loves him, he must be worthy of it. It's a truth and a prophecy, self-fulfilling. It's this ever-turning cycle that bolsters Buck to be the best version of himself, and none of it feels like work because it's all tangled up with joy.

"How long have you been staring at me?"

Buck startles out of his internal monologue to find Tommy's left eye open. The right is buried in his pillow along with the lifted corner of his mouth.

"Probably a little too long," Buck admits, staring fixedly at that corner of Tommy's mouth.

Tommy's lips part to release a sigh before settling into a smile. "Evan. Go back to sleep."

"In a minute."

Tommy shifts closer on the pillow, his nose nudging Buck's, his morning breath awful and his eyes so close Buck thinks their eyelashes might tangle. "You worked a 24-hour shift yesterday. You need to sleep. You can stare at me tomorrow."

"Promise?"

Tommy brushes their lips together. "Promise."

Buck finds Tommy's hand between them and laces their fingers together. "Alright," he says, settling back into the mattress and letting his eyes shut as he brings their hands to his sternum. "Tomorrow."

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Ok so we get this

and this

And I proceed to spiral about colour theory and costume theory and end up writing and expansion to this post I made about Buck in yellow ochre!!! Sorry y'all, you know what that means - my unhinged colour theory and costume meta's are Back!!!

Lets start by revisiting all of Bucks previous yellow ochre wearing shenanigans!

3x06 the yellow ochre sweater he wears when he gets sent home by Bobby - this does after we see Buck and Eddie making up with each other - a moment when we see Buck learning more about himself and growing (read becoming less self-centred and understanding the concept of being part of a team and recognising that he needs to be better about stepping in with Eddie!)

4x02 - Yellow ochre jumper - first in a video chat with Maddie, Chim and Albert, but then more importantly, when he is in his therapy session with dr Copeland - the whole ‘I hide my true feelings from others’ moment - yet another moment of Buck recognising something about himself. I think this is the most key scene in Bucks yellow ochre wearing - more on that in a bit.

4x03 Bucks yellow ochre t-shirt - a t-shirt that matches the shade of the jumper from above, and a moment when Buck confesses to Maddie that he’s in therapy - about being sad and lonely and wanting to be ‘finer’ 

4x04 - the yellow knit sweater from 3x06 is back (yes it is the same sweater) and this is when Buck has his entire life upended and he finds out about Daniel (kicking us into Buck begins)

4x11 - Buck talks to Maddie and Josh about Sue’s hit and run, then talks to Taylor about Sue. This one is a much brighter yellow than the ochres we’ve seen up to now, but I’m including it because I think its relevant to Bucks arc here (also because it connects into the next time we see Buck wearing yellow - the will scene) the concept of being hit with information that leads to Bucks growth and the nature of most hit and runs not being solved, the perpetrator never being caught and therefore not getting closure on something (this is super relevant I promise!)

Then we have 4x14 and two yellow ochre tops - the first is the sweater, this one is trending more towards orange brown, but its still in the ochre wheelhouse! this oe is all about communication - mostly at Buck - Taylor telling him how stupid he was for climbing the crane, receiving a phonemail from Ana to tell him Eddie is awake, facilitating communication between Eddie and Chris and then Buck communication himself - thinking it would’ve been better if he had been shot. Directly communicating to the audience (as much as Eddie) the inner monologue of Bucks own opinion of the point of his existence.

Then we get the beloved will scene and Buck wearing a yellow ochre shirt, still lighter than the other yellow ochre we’d seen up to this point, with the exception of the previous one which is brighter still. again this is mostly about people communicating at Buck rather than him being the communicator - much like with the previous Jumper. It somewhat plays into the concept of Buck being a passive part of his life rather than actively living it - Kinda hard to explain at this point without the context of the costumes from s5&6. I also want to point out Taylor is in that dark green again here - in the scene when Buck opens the door to the Diaz house.

5x03 gives us Buck in that same shade of yellow ochre (bear in mind we haven’t seen him in any other colour between the will reveal and this scene (beyond uniform!) and here we have Buck pushing Eddie and communicating without actually giving much of himself away - yes he uses himself as an example, but he doesn’t actually open up about himself all that much (this is important - its not the time for that and it provides space for Buck to continue his internal monologue about his self worth) after this he goes home to his loft and we get him communication to a Taylor who isn’t actually present in the space - a symbolic scene that shows that he gets just as much from her absence as her presence (a play on the idea that Buck can communicate better with her when she isn’t actually present compared with when she is - its a juxtaposition of the scene from earlier when they were in bed together and she didn’t listen to anything he was saying, or his wants/needs)

5x04 a scene at the Buckley-Han apartment where Buck isn’t communicating with Chim - Chim is very much communication with Buck about his despair over Maddie leaving - Buck obviously knows where Maddie is at this point, but he diocesan’t take the opportunity to communicate effectively with Chim. so This is yet another example of Buck failing to communicate, while some one around him is clearly communicating and this scene has the addition of secrecy thrown into the mix.

Then we have 5x14 - this one is a bit less obvious - its the yellow ochre and black plaid jacket - its an outlier in that its not solid yellow ochre, but it is again a scene where we get communication - this time BUck is actually the one to do some communicating, but like pretty much always, we don’t get him pushing too much and we see him continuing to deflect from making things about himself - he’s desperate to talk about the shooting and its impact on him, but Eddie resists and Buck backs off. the check here is a nice addition because it shows the concept of cross purposes, but also there is less yellow than in other outfits - the black seems to be ‘devouring’ the yellow - almost like a play on the idea that this was Bucks one big chance to communicate, but he doesn’t take it.

That is the last time we see Buck wearing yellow ochre until the end of season 6 - 6x15 and his date with Natalia to be precise! we’re back to that same shade of yellow ochre and once again we have Buck communicating - but its very much playing into what Natalia what to hear. I don’t doubt that BUck wants to talk about his death and resurrection, but we don’t actually see the conversation beyond the superficial overtures Buck makes. This plays into the suggestion that its about him trying to impress Natalia rather than actually about what Buck needs or wants to say. Its once again Buck communicating without actually communicating. something Eddie picks up on in the later graveyard scene and tries to provide the space for him to open up - which Buck doesn’t take.

The theme continues with the the next Buck/Natalia date in 6x17 - yellow ochre once again, this time an open shirt - again its that same shade, and we see a continuation of the Buck communicate via deflection technique he employs - this scene, like his previous date with Natalia, is more about her and the writers showing us her hang ups/ insecurities than it is about Bucks - beyond showing us that they aren’t actually all that compatible - its kind of framed in the same way as his previous relationships (especially Taylor) - Buck playing into what he thinks someone wants him to be rather than being who he actually is. 

This concept is something we see in pretty much all of the previous scenes where Buck is wearing Yellow ochre, this desire to be what people need him to be rather than who he actually is. there are a couple of exceptions - the first time we see Buck in yellow ochre is probably the only instance where we see Buck being somewhat honest with himself - there is an element of him playing the role he needs to to win back Eddies friendship, but I think its coming from a genuine place and is born out of a real desire to be better - he really did learn his lesson. The fact that the next time we see the yellow ochre used is in his therapy session scene where he literally states that he hides his true feelings from others is a big giant yellow ochre flag waving around telling us that when we see Buck in yellow ochre he will be playing into that idea - and that’s then how it transpires in every subsequent scene where he is in yellow ochre.

Which brings me to this new still

no one can tell me there isn’t an air of conflict about that scene - the dark cool tone of the image suggests a coolness to the room - that idea of the cold shoulder or the temperature dropping when there is conflict between two people. their body language is also adding to that vibe - Chris turned in on himself, not sat with Buck, the space between them.

Whatever this scene transpires being about, based on what we've seen with Buck wearing yellow ochre, we can assume its going to continue to play into this idea of Buck not being fully truthful with people and fitting into the role he thinks people want him to pay rather than being true to himself.

I do want to add to this theory by looking at Christophers shirt as well. The grey/ yellow combination is a bit reminiscent of Breaking point (the episode that really is the gift that keeps on giving) becasue we get Chris in grey and Eddie in tan - that is yellowish toned whilst not actually being yellow

There isn't a good screenshot of them together, but the placing of Chris and Buck in the new one has echoes of Eddie and Chris in that scene (one that is interestingly enough playing into the idea of changing family dynamics, but also the moment before and the one that happens afterwards at Bucks loft, directly placing Buck into a parental role (as an aside the idea of Buck being a miracle worker plays into the theme of Eddie looking for magic, just saying!))

Anyone want to play a game of whose shirt does this look like??!!!

Oh you do! well what if I leave these two pictures just here...

yes, yes that is a Chris sized version of that shirt - you know the one Buck was wearing when he and Taylor talked about complicated family dynamics and about telling 'other peoples stories because I hate telling my own' you know that scene about playing a part and not being yourself around people you're supposedly close to! Yes That scene - or how about the scene which happens to be the last time we saw Buck in Chris's bedroom, where Buck talks to Eddie about complicated family dynamics, about needing to have the right outfit on for the occasion, the scene where they talk about retirement, oil and Buck is playing with a dinosaur! yeah see where I'm going with this! Chris wearing a grey shirt that similar to Bucks is Paralleling those scenes - so playing into the idea of history or of thing being outdated and needing to change, of dressing for the occasion (an allegory for playing a role - to fit in to whatever environment you're in rather than being your true self) and most importantly of complicated family dynamics - suggesting that there may have been some change in the dyamics - perhaps this will play into the will (also colour paralleling the will scene as Buck is in yellow ochre and the breaking point scene with Eddie in a yellowish colour and Chris in grey) and perhaps Chris discovering Buck would be his guardian in the event Eddie isn't around. I mean we'll have to wait and see for the actual context, but I will eat my hat if the season 7 scene isn't playing into Buckley-Diaz family dynamics in some way!

Back to this still

I keep flip flopping on if its Buck or Bobby, but right now the lack of grey hair is making me lean towards it being Buck.

This is a still of the back of Bucks head from his coma dream for comparison (blurry as hell as he's not in focus but it looks enought like the same shape of hairline and of Olivers ear for me to feel like its more Buck than Bobby!

I think the shirt is what is throwing me off though because its just so not a typical Buck shirt (excepting coma dream Bucks!).

I've gone back through my notes and I just can't find any examples of Buck wearing this kind of patterning or shirt before, the closest we get is that hideous shirt he is wearing at the hospital after Kameron has given birth

The only thing I can do is scream into the void about check theory because check does't bode well for people - they always end up in the middle of the drama (see my check theory posts linked on my pinned post for more) and while they come out the other side (99% of the time) Buck in check for that scene in 6x18 pretty much doomed his relationship with Natalia (its specific to her and not C&K's baby as Buck wasn't wearing it when he delivered it!) and as that shirt in the still is very un Buck like, has not only yellow ochre in it, but also its a white base (and we all know buck in white is a bad sign!!) and its check patterned - my theory is that this scene is connected to Natalia in some way - either Buck is not being true to him self in more than one way - that things are going to/have come to a head for their relationship (my kingdom for a reverse of Buck to Eddie about Ana in 5x03!!!) and lead to a pretty big change in some way (fingers crossed for Buck to end it and then finally break down and deal with his trauma!!!)

Some other things about that shirt - I've brightened it up in the picture below - the colour combination - the green blue and yellow ochre are giving me call backs to coma Buck (another reason I think it might be connected to Bucks unresolved trauma around his death and Eddies absense in his dream)

Then there is the burgundy stripe in combination with Eddies hand placement and the fact Eddie is wearing a denim shirt - its very Tsunami call back (even the white plays into this as well as Buck was in white when he saved Chris) -

I'm quite probably clowning hard at this point, but the fact we've got Eddie in denim again (not something he wears all that often) in a scene where he puts his hand on Bucks shoulder in that way and with his Christopher watch so very prominent - we'll I might be feeling a certain way about it.

It would make sense to play into that story arc - after all - the opening of season 7 is very much centred around a big water based disaster - its got to bring up a few things for the two of them. If it is related, Eddies Denim being darker at this point would be a nice play on things - the idea that there is more deepness - more depth to his relationship with Buck than there was in early season 3 (it even calls back to flash back Eddie in 3x16 - he is wearing dark denim when him and Shannon fight and Chris wakes up)

Ok thats enough rambling from me! Hopefully i have made a tiny bit of sense! of to go back to screaming in the void now!!

tagging a few people who might be interested! @extasiswings @copyninjabuckley @oneawkwardcookie @spotsandsocks @mandzuking17 @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @theladyyavilee @mistmarauder

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

can u write just 10 emoji of whatever u want (and maybe also 10 of mine)

YES!

30 for Nico story 🌤️

---

“It’s not you,” Buck says. “It’s me. It’s inevitable, for me, I think.”

Eddie shakes his head. 

“I know it probably feels like that… And, uh, I kind of felt something similar about myself, until recently. Or, I’m trying not to feel it, anyway.” 

Buck raises an eyebrow, uncertain of what Eddie means. 

“Not the being heartbroken, but the inevitability of things,” Eddie says, seeing Buck’s confused expression. 

“Okay?” Buck asks. 

“I’m not explaining this well,” Eddie sighs. 

“Nope,” Buck agrees. 

“Fine, okay,” Eddie says. “Okay, I recently had this discussion with a priest.”

“A priest?” Buck asks. “You’re not religious.”

Unless all of a sudden he finds himself dating a former nun. In which case, the religion bounces back. And he’s not dating another nun… So?

“No, but… I don’t know, Buck,” Eddie sighs again. “I just… I just needed help with everything. With Chris. And I thought… I thought it would be like church as a kid, you know? You’re bad. You’re a sinner. Do this to fix it.”

---

The FIRST 30 for YOU 🐓:

---

Buck knows he should decline the invitation. 

He knows it’s not a good idea. Not in his current emotional state. Which, honestly? Is sort of rough. Rougher than anticipated.

He sort of thought he was done with big, oversensitive reactions to things. He’d handled the breakup with Tommy well. Had he spent a small fortune on flour, sugar, and other ingredients? Yes. But he’d been reasonably emotional. Had avoided spiralling. Bobby said he’d developed a good coping skill. 

Well. About that. 

It’s gone.

Whatever semblance of a coping mechanism he’d found after Tommy sort of stomped on his heart and suggested it was going to be the opposite way around has vanished. Buck doesn’t want to bake anymore. He doesn’t want to do anything. Even work doesn’t make him happy anymore. He thinks he could do a rope rescue and feel not even a drop of adrenaline. Everything feels empty. 

Everything has been empty since Eddie left. 

So Buck should decline the invitation. Because he’s not in a good place. He knows that. He feels that. There’s something wrong with him. The only invitation he should be accepting was from Dr. Copeland, the last time he spoke with her - well over a year ago - to reach out any time.

[weewookinard]

Fluff hc: Jumping off of Buck’s history with writing postcards - he has an intricate holiday card tradition. And despite Tommy’s joke to Hen, he’s never been a Christmas card kinda guy. But he’s now obsessed with helping Buck with his (theirs) ❤️💚

— 💜 @nine-one-wanton

Jo my looooove I am always so happy to see you in my dm and ask ❤️🩷💜 you and this big brain of yours!!

Evan loves to write postcards, it's his way of showing his love to people the way he showed love to his sister. He was the kind of kid who was not asked how he was doing, and always needed to be the one starting the conversation so now he starts it with cards. At first he only wrote to Maddie and a few friends. But then his life changed for the best and he started sending cards to more and more people.

Of course the entire 118 is on his list. Not only his 118 family, but everyone else. Garry, the old guy from shift B. Deborah who works at HR. Fred the janitor. He sends cards to Red and to Dr Copeland. He sends cards to every nurse's team of L.A. he knows (and the guy knows plenty), and to kids that are at the hospital when the nurses ask him to do so, and the kids are always so happy with them!

One year he sent a card to Taylor while they were dating, a special one with him naked (except for a Santa hat well placed) on the front of the card. It made her laugh a lot and what happened next is their business.

Tommy, on the other hand, never wrote a lot of Christmas card in his life. For a lot of reasons really. First, he didn't know that much people interested in hearing about him. His dad thinks it's a stupid loss of time and money. The only card he wrote while in the army was never received by his mom, lost at sea. After that he stopped caring for a while, not having the time for something this pointless anyway.

But then his mom met Sean and the man became his step-dad, introducing him to a whole new family. Sisters, uncles, cousins, for the last 10 years Tommy received a lot of cards and he always wanted to respond but never had the courage, his dad's words still on his mind. So instead he sends a text every year to everyone he cares about. Howie always responds to the text nicely, Sal tells him to fuck off before sending picture of his kids, but he never dared to ask them for Hen's number, afraid she would tell him to fuck off. Now she's on his list, and she responds with a whole lot of words!

So, Christmas cards.

The first year they spend Christmas together Tommy has to help Evan because the idiot twisted his wrist while decorating the station for the holidays. Tommy's handwriting is clumsy and awkward and he feels bad about it, terrified he's ruining Evan's work, but his boyfriend's smile is HUGE and he's so happy with it he can't stop kissing Tommy about it. After all the cards Evan asks him if he wants to send one too and Tommy hesitates before they start working on a card for his mom and Sean. It's pretty, and it makes him cry a little, but it's good tears. It's cathartic really, a way of healing years of restraint.

Since then Tommy and Evan write cards every year. The list of people they write to is longer and longer every year and it makes Tommy so happy. It means he has more and more love to give. One year they have a full photoshoot with the whole 118, everyone wearing the same Christmas Sweater, kids beaming and adults laughing. One other year they use the card to thank people for attending their wedding. The year after that the front of every card is the same: a picture of Evan and Tommy dressed as a pair of elves, a little Santa in their arms. Amelia is two and she is their whole world. The perfect gift.

Yes I HAD to add Sean to it 🤭❤️

Feel free to send me more fluffy/cute/funny headcanons! 🩷

[mjfass]

I'm a bit confused by Tony's current direction of this booking. Why so many old wrestlers are taking up TV time on AEW.

Wasn't AEW built on the premise of a place for the young and hungry wrestlers?

Why's Jeff Jarrett taking TV time in 2025? Why are we still forced to endure Chris Jericho's existence?

As much as I love Cope and Christian, do we really need another Ex-WWE star as AEW Champion?

This is kind of why I wanted Hobbs to win. I knew he wouldn't cause the DR storyline is still ongoing, but at least it would've been someone who's actually young and as close to homegrown as you can get.

I wish Tony loved his AEW centric roster as much as his ex-WWE heroes.

Save us Hangman

Absolutely don’t agree with this. Because when AEW has done nothing but give relevance to the young athletes, a lot of people still complain about “I don’t know anyone”, “AEW doesn’t have recognizable faces”, “who are these people?”.

I hate Jarret, but I still think this is because she is probably retiring and MJF will be his last match. Agree with Jericho (like we all do). Copeland is not winning at all. Christian has barely had a huge relevance in the show for weeks now.

And even though we have these people, we have lots of young guys still having tv time. Women and men. I criticize a lot of things in AEW, but I honestly believe the veterans and young wrestlers have had an almost equal amount of tv time.

[30somethingautisticteacher]

Our Own Words

Chapter 1

Summary:

After his breakup with Tommy, Buck turns to therapy and stress baking. When Dr. Copeland suggests writing a letter to Tommy, Buck realizes that sometimes the things that scare us the most also give us the most hope.

****

Excerpt:

"So you haven't called or texted him?" Dr. Copeland asked, her voice gentle but probing.

"No." Buck stared at his hands in his lap, avoiding her gaze.

"But you've been baking?"

"Yes." He gestured half-heartedly at the basket of assorted pastries he'd brought to the appointment. "To keep my mind off of him."

Dr. Copeland studied the impressive array of cookies and muffins. "Would you say it's working?"

"No, not really," Buck answered softly, finally looking up. His eyes were rimmed with exhaustion. "Every time I pull something from the oven, I catch myself thinking about how much Tommy would have loved it. He has such a sweet tooth." His voice caught on the present tense, and he looked away. "Had. Has. I don't even know anymore."

Dr. Copeland leaned forward slightly in her chair. "Have you considered writing him a letter?"

"A letter?" Buck's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Yes. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. Lay everything out on the table." She offered him a reassuring smile. "You don't have to send it, but it might help you put things into words that feel too difficult to say out loud."

"I'll think about it," he said finally, though the idea had already taken root.

"Ok. Well, I'll see you in two weeks unless you need me before then," Dr. Copeland said, standing. "And Buck?"

"Yeah?" He paused at the door, one hand on the handle.

"Thanks for the pastries." She smiled warmly.

[atimeofyourlife]

Next stop is therapy

day 31 | rated: t | wc: 364 | prompts: ASKING FOR HELP | Therapy | Making Amends | "I'm alive, I'm just not well." | ao3 Buck spirals in the aftermath of Gerrard getting hurt. He does his best to ask for help.

Despite everything that had happened on the shift- seriously how had it only been a single twenty four hour shift- Buck couldn't get his mind off of Gerrard. The uncertainty of if the save had been intentional or not. The lost feeling he had when his team celebrated what had happened rather than checking to see if he was okay, to help him through the struggle of not knowing if he'd seriously injured their boss. Not knowing what, if any, repercussions would come from it.

Immediately after, he'd spent nearly twenty minute in the bathroom, scrubbing his hands raw in an attempt to rid them of the blood that wasn't there. Wanting to be clean of what had happened. Needing someone to be there for him, but his team were too focused on the fact that they were free from Gerrard, at least for a while.

It took a backseat in his mind while dealing with the plane crash. Too much other stuff to focus on, but it was still there, twisting in the back of his mind. Wondering if it would be his last call, his last shift.

At the end of shift, while waiting for Tommy to come to pick him up as he had no way to get back to the studio to get his jeep, he sent an email to Dr Copeland, asking for n emergency appointment. He'd already spiraled enough, he needed to work through it properly. He didn't have as many appointments as he'd had before, now he was thinking he should have upped his appointments once Gerrard had been put back to the 118. Maybe he wouldn't have come so close to his breaking point.

"Evan, baby? You ready?" Buck blinked, and Tommy was there in front of him.

"Uh. Yeah." Buck scrambled to his feet. "I."

"Are you okay?" Tommy asked, looking concerned. "You sent a few strange texts earlier about Gerrard."

"I. No." Buck admitted. "I've emailed my therapist for an emergency appointment, but I won't hear back until tomorrow morning."

"What do you need from me until then?"

"Help?" Buck's voice cracked. "I can't stop thinking about when his head cracked on the floor."

[bidisasterevankinard]

Wip wednesday thursday

doing it rn bc why not? I made progress in triplets finally !!!! it goes after this:

The morning feels like LA years ago after a disaster. Too much debris and broken stuff all around. Tommy starts the cleaning immediately.

They have a slow morning, sharing breakfast and he gets as close to Evan as possible.

“You know I love you, right? You and miracles. You all are so so important to me,” Evan looks at him with a sad smile and nods.

“I love you all too,” he bites his lips, turning the gaze from him, caressing his belly with soft touches, “that’s w-why it hurt so bad, still hurts, to hear what you said.”

Tommy bites his lip so hard he feels chopper.

“B-but I understand, Tommy,” Evan looks back at him, “we both have our demons. Yours were eating you out last week, b-but mine are not absent too. And I-I think I need to call Dr. Copeland for an emergency meeting today. Your words reminded me about some not pretty stuff.”

Tommy swallows, “do you need me to be present too? Work it over with a professional.”

Evan bites his lip and then shakes his head, “n-not today at least. I-I need to talk to her, b-but maybe next time? O-or we can look for a couple counselor?”

Tommy nods, “it can be good. It can help us find the way to navigate our relationships and all the changes.”

Tommy kisses Evan, “I’m scared to fuck all of you. To fuck them. I told you about it. I-I don’t think there’s something you can do to fix it,” Evan’s face gets sadder, “but,” Tommy uses fingers on his chin to get it up, “I promise to talk to you more about it. Be more vulnerable. Yet, baby, it’s the demons, insecurities that even with the most beautiful words you can’t fight in me. It’s my fight. Ok?”

Evan nods and Tommy kisses his birthmark. “I know it’s hard for you, I’m not asking you to completely leave me in that fight. But again it’s mine, not yours. And I promise” he holds his pinky to Evan who for the first time smiles like Tommy loves. With all his face, “you’re going to be my partner in that. My safe palace, my strength. I will not hide bad days and feelings. I don’t want us to go out like a weak candle flame because of too much wind. I want to build a whole fireplace and keep the fire comfortable for both of us. Keep our love as long as we can. For us and them,” for the first time since he met Richard again Tommy actually touches Evan’s belly and feels as if he is finally home.

It’s not the complete peace, at least the one he had that all those feelings were too deep down. But it’s the start.  

“I,” Tommy blushes, “I was talking with my mom about you since you asked me on the wedding and she finally is going to be home in two weeks,” Evan excitedly looks at him.

I was tagged by @diazsdimples @bi-buckrights @hippolotamus @bekkachaos

And i tag people who love the au @quintessenceofdust88 @lavenderleahy

@agentpeggycartering @theotherbuckley

@powersuitup @mmso-notlikethat

[mischiefbuckley]

“People who love each other are always connected by an invisible string made of love” Carla reads to Christopher through a video call as him and Eddie are cuddled up in his bed and she continues reading to them as the scene pans back to Christopher and Eddie as they are both now asleep and Carla continues reading, “As they slept, they started dreaming of all the invisible strings they had, and all the strings their friends have, and their friends have, until everyone in the world was connected by invisible strings.”

We learn in “Eddie Begins” that Eddie had offers from both Chicago and LA, but he ultimately decided to go to LA and join the LAFD and again with getting offers from station 6 and station 118 and he goes with station 118. Again this has a lot to do with what Eddie thought was best, but we can only assume again he most likely chose LA since he already had family there and wanted a support system as he didn’t want to be around his parents, but still wanted to be around family as he continues to raise Christopher as a single father and now navigating starting a probationary year as a firefighter in a new city

Okay back to the episode like right at the end of the episode we finally get revealed who Buck has been talking to this entire time, which he started seeing Dr. Copeland for personal reasons and the line that’s most interesting about this now with the knowledge that they were suppose to make Buddie canon in season 4, but Fox shut it down is “Hey Dr. Copeland. I’m going good. I’ve actually been — been thinking a lot about what you said in our last session and how I hide my true feelings from others. I’m starting to think you might be right.”

I think again with having this mention of invisible stings connecting people together it really is amazing how intertwined Buck and Eddie are even from the beginning like yes Buck didn’t like Eddie for one millisecond, but pulling a grenade out of a leg in the back of an ambulance had them saying they have each others backs and when then as we progress through season 2 and learn that Eddie is a single father, Buck inserts himself in and helps Eddie out like reaching out to Carla and making sure Eddie got the help he needed for Christopher and even with him going out with them to see Santa and taking Christopher to the zoo and the whole pier day prior to the tsunami, we see Buck and Eddie become a little family unit and always being there for one another no matter what and then we get the lawsuit and it all goes to shit for one episode, but again back on track with them being there for each other and always just being present for one another as work partners and as partners outside of work

And even now with the background knowledge with watching season 4 in a different lense and specifically the shooting arc like again having Buck be all confused about his feelings towards Abby right at the end of season 3 when he sees her at the train derailment call and he sees her again to meet up and try to get some closer, but he ultimately doesn’t get the answers he wants and he continues to feel this constant abandonment from people that claim to love him, but again leave him at the end, so he decides to go to therapy.

When doing therapy now as a personal choice and not something being required by the department or anything connected to the department, Buck starts sharing everything from the past few years and I’m assuming he keeps mentioning Eddie this and Eddie that and Eddie’s son Christopher and how integral he is with the Diaz family and Dr. Copeland most likely probably makes him put two and two together and realize what his true feelings are for Eddie, but he doesn’t want to destroy that relationship he has in his life, so when the shooting occurs Buck is at a lost for words and again with not sharing how he honestly feels towards Eddie and he doesn’t even know what’s going to happen to Eddie

We see Buck go under the fire engine after he had been injured by a fire engine and suffered a pulmonary embolism and blood clots and he almost lost his leg to the fire engine go ahead and he went underneath an engine that had caused him so much damage to pull Eddie from the street where he is bleeding out and picks him up and carries him and picks him up and he gets him into the 133 engine as Captain Mehta calls out that Firefighter Diaz has been shot to dispatch. We see Buck push the paramedic out of the way and he takes care of Eddie and keeps telling Eddie to “stay with me” as they are on way to the hospital. Again you see Buck all confused and trying to keep it together as best as he can as he sees his best friend bleeding out and as he has his blood splattered all over him and Eddie seeing this as he is aware of his surroundings now that he is inside of the fire engine he asks Buck, “Are you okay?” like this man is bleeding out and has a bullet in his chest and he is still as concerned and worried about Buck as much as Buck is worried about him in that moment. When one of them is injured on a call they are always there for each other and worried sick about the other until they finally reach the hospital. When Buck had the fire engine pinning his leg down, we have Eddie holding his hand as he screams out in pain over his leg, when we have Eddie trapped after the well collapsed we have Buck clawing his way through wet mud to try and reach out for him, in the fire at the hand sanitizer factory, Eddie is the first one to reach Buck after he had been trapped and had fire surrounding him on all sides, and the shooting we have Buck taking control of the situation as he is covered in his best friend’s blood and is trying to keep it together while they get him to the hospital as quickly as they can and he literally pushes the paramedic out of the way so he can help him out because he can’t just stand back and watch anyone else help out Eddie because he blames himself for Eddie getting shot and we see this guilty eat at him throughout the following episode up until Eddie wakes up in the hospital and does his own confession of love in a way of saying that he trusts and loves Buck so much that he put him in his will to look after his son if something ever happened to Eddie, like Eddie really contacted his lawyer to change his will to make sure Buck was in it

Like it’s the fact that Buck had to taste his best friend’s blood before anything else and even when they finally get him to the hospital he needs to go and share the news with Christopher. We see him have his breakdown as he is telling Christopher that Eddie won’t be home and we see the moment where Buck breaks down and starts crying while Christopher hugs him and it’s a very sweet and emotional moment for both of them as Christopher is trying to be there for Buck and Buck is being there for Christopher, but they both don’t know how Eddie will turn out since he was rushed into surgery and even we see as him and Taylor have an argument in his apartment and he doesn’t run after her, but as soon as he gets the phone call from Ana saying that Eddie’s awake like immediately after Taylor leaves his apartment he rushes over to the hospital and again proving time and time again that his main priority and the most important person in his life will always be Eddie and Eddie one ups Buck in that sense by proving to him and committing to him that he will always be an important person not only to him, but to his son as well by going out of his way to contact his lawyer and having him put Buck in the will. And even Buck mentions to him that didn’t he need his permission and Eddie says that his lawyer had told him that Buck could refuse, and Buck is immediately like along the lines of you know I wouldn’t again drawing to the fact that they are and will always be important to each other no matter what. And again he draws attention to Buck and makes him realize that he should not be saying negative things and saying that he should have been shot with the simple “Evan” because again we know that Buck doesn’t like being called Evan it reminds him of his parents and the way he was raised, but this was an important conversation they were having so to call Buck’s attention and make him realize how important the conversation they were going to have is he calls him Evan

[the-confessions-of-a-fangirl]

Buck Season 8 Storyline

Season 7 started off strong for Buck with the way his bisexual realization was written. The confusion, the 'overenthusiastic-ally-to-queer,' over-compensating with the heterosexual behavior because you're not ready to be out.

But after that Buck was, once again, shoved into a relationship with someone who wouldn't treat him well and was given no further storyline beyond that. Even Maddie and Chimney, who didn't get overarching storylines like Henren, Bathena ,and Eddie, at least had one episode storylines and made an impact in the story during the finale (fostering Mara till Henren could finally officially adopt her).

It got me thinking on what kind of storyline Buck could have in season 8. It has to be something that touches on his family (118) and romantic relationships (they can't be side-lined at this point) but it has to be something wholly about him.

Then I remembered season 4. In season 4, we see that Buck started seeing a Dr. Copeland because he had issues about feeling 'sad and lonely' and feeling like he can't trust it (4x03). Even after he got closure from Abby which was the only lingering relationship issue at the time, he still felt sad and lonely.

This means that it's an internal thing that is making him feel sad and lonely, not an external relationship. And afterwards we see that this loneliness stems from his childhood in a family with neglectful parents and a sister, who loved him so much, but was caught up in a terrible situation to be around.

But there was another aspect that we learned from his childhood. His 'reckless' , 'dive in head first' attitude was a learned behaviour. He taught himself that being in pain=getting attention from his parents and this escalated to a point where he got in a motorcycle accident. As these incidents escalated, he would have to do weigh the fact that he could get really hurt (or worse) and then go 'that's not as important as the possibility of surviving and his parents showing him a smidge of attention'

That is textbook self-destructive behaviour wrapped up in this need for attention and love. He needs this attention because otherwise he doesn't feel enough for his parent's affection. And how long can a kid grow up like that before he internalizes that?

This lack of self worth is seen in 4x05 when he calls himself 'defective parts' and when Eddie combats that by saying 'its not on you' he combats it not by saying he doesn't think that but that his parents do think of it like that. He isn't saying 'I know I'm not defective' but that 'this situation isn't about me' when it clearly is. It personally speaks to me about low self-worth, that even when he is talking about himself, its through the way other people describe him.

He also has a huge tendency to intellectualize his traumas rather than confront them. Refer to Buck 1.0, 2.0 and 3.0. Instead of processing the fact that his parents lied to him for years, he just says he's a new person because his parent's agreed to family therapy with him. He hasn't even dealt with his emotions yet and he's already packing the trauma in a box to keep away. Even his bisexual arc follows this, he may logically understand that he is bisexual but then he immediately jumped into something without trying to process what that means to him because he just won't think about himself without a buffer of another person.

So we see that Buck tends to feel lonely even when he is surrounded by meaningful relationships (Taylor in 4x08), he has self destructive habits and a lack of self worth. We also see that whenever it comes to him processing or letting himself feel his emotions, he'd rather focus on something else (he finally realizes it is over with Abby; he worries about not being a manwhore like Buck 1.0, his family lied to him; he'd rather focus on the fact that he is getting family therapy and try to find someone romantic, when Eddie is shot and he's asked about it; he'd rather worry about the team and climb up a crane where chances are he could be shot)

I want to take all of this and put it in a storyline for Buck where he learns that he only looks for a romantic partner, no matter who they are, because he wants to avoid being alone with his negative thoughts about himself or what he has been through like the ladder, his parents, dying, being lied to by Maddie, seeing Eddie get shot. The sad and lonely part of him that he keeps trying to put away with any romantic partner that comes his way is not because he lacks romance or love of any kind, but because he is unable to be happy with just himself. Buck doesn't like himself, he's constantly looking for an external change for something internal to him that he doesn't even try to think about and that is self-destructive.

Because the only external change he can think of is tossing himself into any relationship he has the opportunity of being in without thinking about whether that person is good for him. Abby didn't want a serious relationship, he barely got a chance to be meaningful with Ali, Taylor has behaved poorly in regards to his family (118) and Tommy is overall very dismissive of Buck as a person.

And when these relationships end, he feels even more poorly about himself, because he has always thought of any issue in a relationship being his fault because why wouldn't it be?

Buck has serious self worth issues that he needs to learn how to process and learn to like who he is and I hope season 8 will do that.

[bibuckaroo]

plsss, they’re so married and they don’t even realize?? like, the way the 118 goes like ‘where’s buck?’ and eddie immediately answers that he’s having an emergency session with dr. copeland?? (and can i just say how PROUD i am from my baby for seeking the therapy he needs?? that’s what he deserves)

and the way when buck is blowing off steam the one he’s talking to is eddie?? and eddie is there to support him and validate his feelings and say he doesn’t have to apologize if that’s how they made him feel even though maybe he could’ve gone about things differently?? KILL ME NOW!!!

the support they show for each other every time, taking care of each other like that?? just gets to me.

(also, as a side note, while buck was wrecking that punching bag and eddie WITH ONE ARM ONLY stopped it from moving to get buck’s attention?! i was just going ‘sir 👀👀👀👀👀👀’ i just know that man can manhandle buck anytime he wants, i know it)

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮

(What’s the limit lol)

Okay so this is an ask for 270 sentences! I LOVE the enthusiasm. I will do 270 or 1k words. Whatever comes first haha.

---

“That doesn’t mean you have to,” Eddie says. “We could be sick.”

“All of us?”

Eddie nods. “Yeah, I think my throat tingles. Your sister is pregnant. Wouldn’t wanna risk it.”

Buck smiles. “I love you.”

Eddie winks. 

“But I don’t want to leave Maddie on her own either,” Buck says. 

Eddie nods. “I get that. And, hey, I’m there to back you up. A hundred percent, okay?”

Buck leans forward to kiss his head.

 “You’re the best. You know that right?”

Eddie smiles warmly. 

“Just for you.”

ii.

The energy is weird even before Buck’s parents arrive. Maybe it’s just nerves. But if that was the case, then wouldn’t it be Maddie and Buck acting most strangely? Except, it’s not. It’s Chim behaving the most erratically. And, sure. Buck can empathize with the fact that he’s about to meet the estranged parents of not only the woman he loves, but the woman he got pregnant rather unexpectedly. Buck has never been in that position, but he assumes it isn’t super easy. But, the weird part is, he’s mostly being iffy around Buck. 

Buck isn’t sure why. He hasn’t said anything to Chim. He hasn’t said anything at all, really. The four of them have shown up, with lots of homemade dishes Buck made in an anxiety spiral, and Eddie has mostly done the conversing for Buck. Usually, Buck is the chatty one between the two of them, but Eddie can sure turn it on when he needs to. Still, Buck gets the weird sense Chim is avoiding him. If he’s in the kitchen, Chim is in the living room. And vice versa. For a small apartment, they almost never cross paths. 

“Did I do something?” He asks Maddie at one point. “He’s being weird.”

“Did you… No,” Maddie shakes her head. “No, you haven’t done anything, Evan. He’s just nervous.”

Nervous. RIght. Fine. 

Not every bad mood or upset is about you or your fault, he can hear Dr. Copeland saying. And it’s always been good advice in the past. So he’ll try to take it now. 

It hardly matters. Before he can dwell too much more on it, his parents arrive. 

Maddie gets a warm, effervescent greeting from them both. Presents. Hugs. Giddy joy at the prospect of their impending grandparenthood. They’re happy to meet Chim. They’re happy to be in Los Angeles. Happy to be reunited with their daughter. 

Buck doesn’t get the same. 

“Evan,” his mother says. It’s like someone turned the thermostat way down on her voice. 

“Hey,” he replies uncomfortably.

It’s the first time they’ve seen him in eight years, beyond photographs. They can’t even crack a believable smile?

“You look… You look different, son,” his father says. 

Different. Buck looks down at his prosthetic left foot. Covered by a shoe and pant leg, the whole thing appears normal. That’s not what they’re talking about. The obvious difference. The missing limb. That isn’t the change they mean. He looks at himself a bit more generally, and then at Cranberry sitting in heel quietly. Anxiety twists in his stomach. A lot of things have changed, he guesses. 

The last time they saw him, he was barely more than a kid. Skinny and angry. Crashing his bike. It’s been so long. He’ll be thirty soon. He bulked up for the job. Spent a summer waiting for Abby obsessing about his physique when he had nothing else to do. Then he lost his damn leg, and… Well, he hasn’t stayed in the same shape. He’s not in bad shape. Not at all. But he’s softer, maybe? He no longer needs to be in the same working condition, and it’s not like he could hit the gym the same way during Covid, and he’s in a new relationship where he’s comfortable and secure and…

And he’s suddenly feeling very insecure about himself. 

“Uh, well…” Buck trails off. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” his mother replies coolly. 

“Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Eddie,” Buck says, motioning towards where Eddie and Chris are standing. “And Eddie’s son, Christopher.”

Margaret and Phillip give each other a quick look before looking at Eddie and Chris. 

“Nice to meet you both,” Phillip replies.

Eddie steps forward to shake their hands, and after a brief, awkward little meeting, they move on to Albert. Fine. Good. Whatever. Would it have been nice if they showed a little enthusiasm or interest in his partner and sort-of stepchild? Like, yes. But Buck supposes they don’t know the extent of the relationship. 

Everything is fine - albeit awkward - until they sit down to eat. Meaning, everything is fine until Buck’s mother finds a way to target him. Some things never change. 

There aren’t enough seats for all eight of them at the kitchen table, so they eat around the living room. Buck pulls one of the kitchen chairs into the space for himself, and when he takes a seat, Cranberry tucks herself under him. 

“Oh, Evan,” his mother says. “Why don’t you put the dog away while we eat?”

Buck blinks. “Oh. Uh, she usually stays with me.”

“Well, it’s sort of unsanitary, don’t you think?” Margaret asks. “Having a dog around the food?”

“She’s not going to touch the food, Mom,” Buck assures her. “She’s trained.”

“Don’t worry about Cranberry, Mom,” Maddie says. “She’s really good.”

“Well, I don’t see why we can’t put the dog away for one meal,” Margaret presses. “I mean, should dogs be around pregnant people? Their noses and paws are everywhere and this is not a clean city.”

“Cranberry is a service dog,” Christopher says. His little voice is staunch. 

Everyone turns their heads to look at him. 

“She’s working,” he continues. “She needs to be near Buck.”

“Chris, it’s okay,” Buck says. 

“No,” Eddie shakes his head. “Chris is right. Cranberry is working.”

“A service dog,” Phillip says. “I thought those were for blind people.”

“Those are seeing eye dogs,” Chimney corrects.

[buddiedreams]

loml | 3.9k, G, pre-buddie

Eddie is leaving him. Buck handles it... exactly as expected.

read here on AO3

Eddie joins him on the couch a minute later with two mugs of coffee, passing one off to Buck as he takes the iPad back. “You sure you want to stay for this? I promise, I am capable of picking a place to live.” Eddie sips his coffee, waving a hand around. “I picked this place.”

Buck scoffs. “Don’t you lie to me, Eddie. I know Pepa found this place. I’m telling her you took credit!”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t get a chance to respond before his iPad is alerting him to the meeting time on Zoom. Buck shuffles out of frame, clutching the warm mug like a lifeline. Eddie and the voice of the realtor fade into the background as he lets himself just kind of… float.

Disassociating, Dr. Copeland had told him a while ago. He hadn’t ever realized that’s what it was, but as soon as she’d put a label on it, it made sense. It was particularly bad after his leg injury, when he’d lay in the hospital bed for hours and hours floating on pain medication and lose track of time, and even who had been there to visit. No one had ever brought it up to him, although he suspected they all assumed it was fogginess from the pain and the medications. It got worse once he was home in the loft, barred from being back at the 118, with nothing to do but wallow in his apartment all day. He’s not even sure how much time he lost just lying in bed then staring at his ceiling and feeling absolutely nothing.

It’s been a while, though. He’s been in a good place, or so he thought. And he wants to be happy for Eddie, of course he does. Chris deserves the world and it breaks Buck’s heart to be missing out on so much of his life like he has been for the last three months, so he can understand Eddie wanting to do something about it. But moving to El Paso? That feels rash, even for Buck, who has a clear and discernible pattern of not thinking things through. 

Although, it’s not like Eddie really has a reason to stay here, anyway. Especially not with Chris putting down roots in El Paso, making friends and settling in for virtual schooling, which Eddie had spent hours on the phone working out with Durand, since he didn’t want Chris to have to adjust to an entire new school the year before high school. The thought of Chris and Eddie staying in EL Paso makes Buck want to throw up, which he absolutely will not be doing in Eddie’s living room, while Eddie is on a call with a realtor. Except… He blinks, refocuses, and realizes that Eddie is silent beside him, and the iPad screen is dark.

“Where’d you go?” Eddie asks, softly, like he’s worried he’ll spook Buck. Shit. Eddie wasn’t supposed to see him like that. 

He shoots Eddie what he hopes is a reassuring smile and shakes his head. “Just zoned out. You get everything sorted out?”

Eddie frowns. “Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that? She suggested virtual tours, which… I don’t know. I kind of need to be in a space to visualize it, so I think I’m going to narrow it down to a few choices and take a trip down.”

Buck nods, just once, and sets his now cold coffee on the table in front of them. “Just let me know when you need a ride to the airport, I can drop you off.” He clears his throat, wiping his palms on his pants as he stands. “I-I should go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

He’s sure Eddie says something as he’s all but fleeing from the Diaz house, but he can’t slow his brain down enough to even register any words. He’s not even sure he’d want to hear whatever Eddie had said, anyway.

He spends the night deep-cleaning his kitchen, since he has nothing better to do, and resolutely ignoring his phone. He doesn’t even think about checking it until just before he gets into bed, and his chest hurts when he realizes that Eddie hasn’t so much as texted him. Except it shouldn’t hurt, or at least, he should be used to the hurt by now. Everyone important in his life has left him, so why would Eddie and Chris be any different? There’s something fundamentally wrong with him, and he’d thought for the longest time that maybe Chris and Eddie had seen it and were okay with it, but apparently it just took a few years for them to figure it out. Hell, his own sister hadn’t even stayed, why would Eddie and Chris?

Logically, he knows Chris didn’t leave him, specifically. He knows Chris is taking after his father and running from his problems instead of talking them out. It seems to be a Diaz trait, at least from what Buck has been able to piece together over the years. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though, and it sure as hell doesn’t make him miss Chris any less. It’s like a gaping wound in his chest that he can never quite stem the bleeding from, hands slick and sticky as he tries to hold himself together while half of his home is in Texas. 

Bitterly, he thinks that at least both parts of his home will be together soon.

Their next shift is nothing special. Eddie doesn’t bring up the move to the team, so Buck keeps his mouth closed and his words carefully trimmed so he doesn’t accidentally drop that bomb in the middle of their shift. He’s had enough bombs at work to last a lifetime, although this one might hurt worse than the actual bomb. 

Eddie asks him to come over after work, and Buck is weak, okay? He’s fucking weak for Eddie’s stupid brown cow eyes and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it, so his dumb mouth is saying yes before he can come up with a reasonable excuse. Although, if he’s got a finite amount of time left to hang out with Eddie, he should probably learn how to stuff his feelings down far enough to enjoy their remaining time.

“What’s going on with you, man? You keep zoning out, I hardly ever seen you do that. Are you okay?”

Buck blinks down at the now warm beer in his hands, frowning. He hadn’t even realized he was disassociating this time, much less doing it so obviously in front of Eddie again. “Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine. Just, y’know. Haven’t been sleeping well. I’m sorry. What did I miss?”

Eddie scrutinizes his face, and it takes everything to keep from squirming under his best friend’s critical gaze. “Talk to me. Please?”

Buck can’t help the scoff that tears past his lips, but he does regret it immediately. But hey, everyone’s got a breaking point, right? “Why? We haven’t talked about this giant pink elephant the entire time, why would we start talking about it now?”

Eddie frowns. “Chris? What is there to talk about?”

Buck stares. He can’t help it. He knows that Eddie hates talking about his feelings, and that suggesting therapy would go over about as well as a punch to the face, but… he can’t really be this blind, can he? “What isn’t there to talk about? Your teenage son fled to a different state because he didn’t want to talk about his problems. And I don’t know which part of that is worse: the fact that you’re moving back to a place you hate instead of talking to him about your issues, or the fact that you let him in the first place.”

Eddie has the audacity to roll his eyes, and Buck can feel a hysterical laugh caught in his chest. What the fuck is happening? “I don’t hate El Paso.”

Buck sets the bottle on the coffee table harder than he means to, flinching at the loud noise in such a quiet room. “That’s what you got out of what I said? And you know what, that’s besides the point anyway. You moved here to get away from El Paso!”

Eddie shrugs. “What else am I supposed to do?”

The hysterical laugh rips its way out of Buck’s mouth and he’s up pacing before he even consciously thinks about moving. “Instead of buying a plane ticket to move to fucking Texas, buy a plane ticket to bring your teenage son home and show him that running away from your problems doesn’t solve anything! God, Eddie, you’re so worried about not doing anything wrong with him that you’re ignoring your job as a parent. You’re supposed to teach him that this won’t get him anywhere, that he should be confronting his issues and talking them out, even if it’s not with a therapist, because letting yourself stew in bad thoughts is a recipe for disaster. You and I know that better than anyone. Be a fucking parent, Eddie. Be his parent.”

When Buck finally looks at him, Eddie’s arms are crossed tight over his chest and he’s staring at Buck with perhaps the coldest expression on his face that Buck has ever seen. Buck realizes startlingly quickly that he’s overstepped. Massively overstepped. He’s fifteen miles past the line and his feet are cemented to the ground, because there’s no way to shove his outburst back into his chest and keep it there, like the caged animal that it should have remained. 

“You’re out of line, Buck. He’s my child, and I will parent him as I see fit. You don’t get to tell me that I’m shirking my responsibilities, you’re not a parent. You don’t know what it takes.”

And if that’s not a slap to the face, Buck’s not sure what is. Because as wrong as it feels, Eddie’s right. He isn’t Christopher’s parent, and he hopes to whatever higher power there is that he never will be. He’s the backup plan. He’d known that, sure, but he’d let himself get too comfortable, because Chris feels like his kid. He feels like he’s been ripped in half this whole time because his son is in another state and hasn’t so much as texted him in the three months he’s been gone, despite Buck’s attempts to reach out. But Christopher isn’t his son. He’s Eddie’s son, and while Buck might think Eddie’s approaching it wrong, he has no concept of how a parent should treat their child. He’s had the shittiest role models, on top of the mountain of abandonment issues he’s got.

And that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Christopher isn’t his son, he never was, and Buck was always going to end up alone. Chris and Eddie were always going to move on and maybe be a family with someone Eddie fell in love with, or just by themselves. Buck was just filling a space for whoever came next. Story of his fucking life, turns out. Just filling a space destined for someone else. He filled the role of brother for Maddie, of son for his parents when he couldn’t save the son they wanted. He spent his early twenties being a stand-in for all the people he slept with, who probably went on to fall in love and move on with their lives. And here he is, past thirty and still stuck in the same spot he’d been at 26. Tired, depressed, and destined to be alone.

As Buck’s world comes crashing down around him, he sucks in a shaky breath and grabs his jacket from the back of the couch. He doesn’t bother looking at Eddie as he leaves. He can barely stop the clawing in his throat from spilling out in a sob, because he feels like he’s nineteen again, fleeing in a hand-me-down Jeep without anyone in the world to care about him. Except this time, he flees back to a loft that feels as hollow as his chest. 

He can’t figure out what to do to keep himself busy and, quite frankly, all he wants to do is curl up in his too-big bed and cry. It’s not like he has anything better to do, anyway, so he changes into his comfiest pair of sweats and an old, ratty LAFD tshirt and crawls under the blankets. 

He’s not sure how long he’s laying there before he hears keys jingling in the startling silence of his apartment. He doesn’t even know who he assumes it should be. Maddie has no reason to be here, Bobby even less of a reason since they don’t have a shift until tomorrow, and they didn’t have plans. It’s sure as hell not going to be Eddie, not after what he’d said before leaving Eddie’s place. He burrows further under the blankets until just the top of his head is poking out, and listens for any clue as to who it is. The footsteps on the stairs sound heavy, so that rules out Maddie. 

“Buck?”

Buck nearly flinches as he realizes it’s Eddie’s voice. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, he really doesn’t think he can handle it. He knows how far he overstepped, he knows Christopher isn’t his, and he can make that clear, but not right now. Not when it still feels like there’s a knife digging into his chest, stuck right where his heart is supposed to be. He can’t listen to Eddie tell him that he needs to take a step back, to stay in his own lane where Eddie’s son is concerned. 

“Buck?” It’s softer this time, like Eddie’s afraid he might be sleeping. He could pretend to be sleeping. It might get him out of the conversation, at least for the time being. He could maybe organize his thoughts enough to convince Eddie to keep him around, to still be his friend even after he moved to Texas.

“Buck, come on. I just want to talk.” There’s silence for a moment, then a couple of quiet steps. “To apologize,” Eddie corrects, and Buck can hear the frown in his voice. But… apologize? What does Eddie have to apologize for? He digs himself out of his blanket cocoon enough to peek an eye toward Eddie, who looks… well, miserable feels kind of mean, but if the shoe fits. 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Buck says, quietly, his voice a lot scratchier than he’d anticipated it being. Has… has he been crying? 

Eddie scoffs. “Yes, I do. I shouldn’t have said that you don’t know what it takes to be a parent. I’m…” Eddie groans, dropping onto the end of Buck’s bed heavily. “I was mad because you’re right, and I know that you’re right, but… I don’t know if I can do it.”

Buck shuffles around until he can sit back against his headboard, arms resting limply on his knees. “You’re not wrong. I’m not a parent, I don’t know what it takes to raise a kid, much less a teenager. I overstepped.”

Eddie turns to look at him, frowning. “You didn’t, Buck. I know we don’t exactly talk about it, but you are a parent to Chris. You have been for years, even if none of us ever acknowledged it.” Eddie laughs, though it’s devoid of any humor. “God, I don’t even know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there. It would’ve been a disaster if I’d been parenting by myself this whole time.”

He rolls his eyes. He can’t help it. “Eddie, you don’t have to lie. It’s fine. I get it. But you should go talk to him. I really don’t think he meant for this to be a permanent thing.”

“No?” Eddie asks, softly, almost like he’s afraid of the answer.

“No, of course not. His entire life is here, man. All his friends, our family, Carla. Eds, he loves LA. He just needed some space, he doesn’t need you to move halfway across the country for him.”

Eddie hums, a small smirk on his lips. “You’re just trying to get me to stay, aren’t you?” he jokes, but Buck can feel his face falling.

“I mean, of course I don’t want you to go. Everyone always leaves me, and I thought—well, never mind. It doesn’t matter. But if I thought it was the right move, I’d tell you. I wouldn’t lie to you, not when it’s about Chris.”

Eddie’s gaze snaps to him, and Buck can’t help but shrink. He hates admitting to his abandonment issues, but… it’s not like Eddie is unaware of them. After all, he’d encountered Buck in the throes of his abandonment from Abby. 

“Oh, Buck, I-I didn’t even—”

“Think about it?” Buck interrupts, shrugging. “I didn’t expect you to. He’s your son, Eddie. It’s not about me, and I’m an adult. I can deal with my own issues. Christopher should always be your priority.”

“You’re important too, Buck.”

“It’s not about me!” Buck scoffs, shoving his way out of bed to pace at the foot of it. “Chris is your son, Eddie. You need to be there for him, and you need to trust that whatever you think is right is what you need to be doing. You’re a good dad, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If you think you’re doing the right thing, then I’m positive you are. Whether I like it or not doesn’t matter. I’m an adult, I’ll handle it.” Buck’s shoulders slump as he sits back down on the edge of the bed, suddenly sapped of all his energy. “Chris is more important. I miss that kid like crazy, but if Texas is what’s best for him, then I’ll keep missing him. A-and you.”

“I… Buck, I need you to look at me, okay?”

Buck shakes his head. He doesn’t think he can bring himself to move again, much less see whatever expression is on Eddie’s face when he inevitably tells Buck to fuck off.

“Please, Evan?”

His eyes snap over at that, and he feels like he’s been thrown back to that hospital room again, sitting next to a very injured Eddie while being told that Eddie gave him the most important thing in the world, that Buck had a responsibility now. One that he’s going to lose sooner than he’d like.

“I’m not leaving you, Buck,” Eddie says, voice firm, but it feels hollow. Maybe Buck just feels hollow. It seems irrelevant right now. “I’m not leaving you. I will be back, and I’ll bring Christopher with me. Okay? But you’re right. I need to be there for him, I need to do what I can to fix my mistake before it’s too late, and I can’t do that from California. So I’m going to rent out the house here and stay with Sophia and her family. They’re only 20 minutes from my parents’ place, which is far enough to give Chris his space, but close enough that we can still work on… everything.”

The thought of strangers in the Diaz house makes his skin crawl. Still he forces what he hopes looks like a smile and nods once. “I’ll be here.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Eddie leaves two weeks later, to the day. It’s a Thursday, and a day they both have off, even though Eddie is officially on a leave of absence effective yesterday. His two suitcases and his carryon are tucked carefully into the back of Buck’s Jeep and Eddie is in the passenger seat, rattling off a list of things he needs to do once he gets to El Paso. Buck isn’t really listening, just sort of letting the cadence of Eddie’s voice wash over him, trying to reconcile the fact that this will be the last time he sees Eddie for… who knows how long.

The traffic at LAX is, predictably, horrible. Buck had expected nothing less, though, which was why he’d insisted they leave with plenty of time to park and get Eddie inside before his plane boarded. Surprisingly, he finds a parking spot relatively close to the entrance, and dutifully takes Eddie’s second suitcase and follows him across the road to the airport.

He vividly remembers the last time he’d been here, dropping off someone he fully expected to see again. He hadn’t gone past the glass doors that time, and he already knows he won’t this time, either. He can’t. If he so much as steps foot into the airport, he knows he’ll be buying a seat on Eddie’s flight in three seconds flat, and he can’t do that. He’s barely keeping it together as it is, he can’t afford to follow Eddie like a lost puppy all the way to Texas.

Eddie pauses at the entrance, and Buck clears his throat and passes the second suitcase to him. “Guess this is it, huh? You’ll text when you land?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, Buck. I’ll text you when I land.” Buck nods, and Eddie scrutinizes his face for a moment before frowning. “I’m coming back, Buck. This isn’t permanent.”

Buck doesn’t want to fight. He really, honestly doesn’t have the energy for it. And he really doesn’t want to fight when this might be the last face-to-face conversation he gets to have with Eddie. So he just nods and forces a smile onto his face. 

“I know. You don’t have to keep saying it, I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.”

That only seems to deepen Eddie’s frown, but Buck just really cannot handle anything serious right now. His nerves are already fried, and he’s positive he’s not even going to make it out of this stupid fucking parking lot before he breaks down. He pulls Eddie into a tight hug, long enough that he gets a little bit of comfort from it, but not long enough for Eddie to recognize just how tightly coiled he is right now.

“Text me when you land, and let me know how you get settled in, okay? I’ll see you when you get back.”

Eddie looks like he has more to say, so Buck takes a couple of steps back. Eddie seems to get the message, sighing and nodding. “Sure, Buck. I’ll text, don’t worry. And Chris and I will see you soon.”

Buck stays standing on the sidewalk for as long as he thinks he can get away with, watching Eddie’s retreating figure weave through the airport, until he loses sight of him getting through the security line. Even after that, Buck remains rooted to the spot, unable to shake himself from his stupor enough to stumble back to his car. He has to, eventually, though, so he manages to swallow back the rising panic long enough to cross back to the parking lot and get into his car.

He knows Eddie isn’t coming back, is the thing. He’d been so sure Abby was coming back, sure enough that he’d promised to wait for her, even when she had seemed hesitant about it. It’s the exact opposite, now. He wants Eddie to come back with every fiber of his being, but he knows deep down that if Chris is as acclimated to Texas as Eddie’s parents have said, that Eddie will end up moving so that he doesn’t disrupt Christopher’s life. Because that’s the right thing to do, as a parent, Buck knows that.

Doesn’t make being left again hurt any less. Especially when he’d been so sure Chris and Eddie would be the ones to stay.

Turns out, maybe Buck just isn’t worth staying for.