#he loves being hypomanic

[therapeuticmonologues]

Your Next Five Moves: Master the Art of Business Strategy, by Patrick Bet-David

[disabirbity]

People are disability advocates and say disabled rights until your disability really is disabling. Please just say you only care about disabilities when you think they're aesthetic and move on.

[jonathan-samuel-smith]

TW bipolar discussion and nonconsensual kissing, mental health discussion

So about Saturn Girl kissing Jon without his ability to consent to it: I get that she isn't actively deciding to mind control the people around her, but she does have a choice in the matter. Her family wanted her to stay home until she could control her mind control powers, but she didn't want to and left. To me that's like if I noticed I was manic (not hypomanic) and didn't go to the mental hospital... Like I can't control my bipolar but I have the choice to stay away from others when it would harm them. That's not even a good comparison though because my judgement isn't clear enough to consistently do that when I'm manic, whereas she is at baseline and is able to think rationally. I wouldn't blame someone with bipolar because they have no choice, but I'm just saying the obvious choice would be to keep yourself away from others even if it's not fun for you. I feel like I can blame her, because she has a choice.

I do sympathize with her, but I really think she's hurting others disproportionately to the distress she feels stuck at home, and that's not okay.

If you look back on the events with the knowledge that she can't turn off her mind control, you see how manipulative she is, especially to Jon, and she does high-control group tactics: love bombing, isolation, guilt tripping, not letting him have rest alone where he would have time to realize he didn't want this.

I don't like the JonDami narrative that Jon was an asshole for leaving Damian in the past or was running away from his problems, because in my view he was dragged into a cult and I can't blame him for that, especially because he was extremely vulnerable at the time. I also don't believe Jon would have left in the first place if he knew up front that he couldn't bring Damian to at least visit him.

Jon had been in a state of fight or flight for around 6 years (not just talking about the volcano because there was also his verbally abusive grandpa and their deadly adventures and being trapped in space, and then him struggling to survive on the streets and trying to find a way home after he escaped) and the first time he really got a chance to cool down was when he was talking with Damian. He really needs a long break, therapy, and medication because what he went through can't be treated with therapy alone as the stress has chemical effects in the brain that need to be adjusted.

The writers don't care about how Jon should be extremely hypervigilant and defensive and anxious. I guess that's just not brave enough for a superhero, nevermind that leaving the house and getting treatment for these things, learning to trust again, and letting people help you is so much braver than punching guys when you have superpowers. It's natural to fight when your fight or flight is activated in a protective manner, but doing the logical thing when every signal in your body is telling you not to is really damn hard. The only coward is DC for giving Jon trauma and not actually writing a traumatized character.

That all being said, Damian clearly doesn't see how Jon is being manipulated, probably because his head is full of self hatred & doubting & repressed desires to ask Jon to stay, and thinks he needs to go against his abandonment trauma by swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction in his speech. With his c-ptsd and abandonment issues I can see him becoming bitter towards Jon for going to the future.

That could make for a really complex fanfiction, don't you think? The conflict coming from their unique life experiences and traumas, and them learning to understand each other like they're always doing. This misunderstanding of intentions born not out of something dumb like hearing the wrong thing or being unclear in language, but from their different points of view.

My jondami au where Jon leaves the legion early is calling me lmao "Isaac we have more problems for you to fix~"

That being said I have no exclusivity to these ideas for writing.

[gallavich-headcanon]

Ian and Mickey, Frank and Monica.

There are so many similarity between Ian&Mickey and Frank&Monica.

Beyond Ian and Monica sharing their mental illness, they are both very high energy people. They seem innocent and juvenile at times. They both learnt to use their body and sexuality to get what they want. (there's a sad moment when Ian rans away with Monica and he realizes she is going to sleep with a man to get them money and he realizes he does that too.)

They both have the will to take care of kids, they want a family. They crave having a tight family bond with their partner (The Bob and Liam storyline and the dream about life with Yevgeny). It's interesting that when they're hypomanic the both clean and cook and try to take care of the people around them.

Mickey and Frank are both scammers, and good ones. They think of long cons, they are resourceful, if they want something the get it done. They are both very likeable despite their abrasiveness, they both grew up with a very abusive (and somewhat sadistic) parent as their main parental figure. (Terry and Peggy) and they still do their bidding, even after getting away from them.

Like Debbie said- both Frank and Mickey angry drink when they fight with their partner, "It never worked, he always came back to her". Frank calls Monica 'a tick under his skin' and we all know Mickey's line "you're under my skin, man. The fuck can I do?"

Both couples ran scams to get money from married husbands that wanted to sleep with Ian / Monica. ("remember when we were kids , I used to lore guys into the hotel, and lock the bathroom door so we could run off with their wallets and drugs?")

Both met as teenagers and always came back to one another.

Even when they try to move on and be with other people. The whole thing with Monica being in a relationship with Bob and Franks confidence that he and Monica would get back together, is a pathetic version but still similar to 7x10 "I have a boyfriend, Mickey" and Mickey confident "So what you're doing here then, huh?". Not the same energy, but both couples are like magnets, they know they can't stay away from each other for too long. "That's the kind of passion you can't fake."

They fight a lot and they love a lot.

The biggest difference is how selfish Frank and Monica are, and how much Ian and Mickey are willing to do for each other. Sure, not doing crystal meth probably helped, but I think Ian and Mickey were better for each other from the start.

What do you think helped Ian and Mickey not tp end up like Frank and Monica?

[lover-of-mine]

Boy what a day and it’s still going!

Things are not sunshine and daisies on the other side of the fandom line in my little corner. A lot of anger geared toward Ryan for being “an attention seeker” today. Trying to focus on the personal attacks against Ryan again and turn everyone against him because of the issues from the past. It’s like their go to at this point. It never works but they keep trying. But they are absolutely fuming he’s getting so much attention and love from everyone right now. They have spent so many weeks trying to paint him as this horrible person both in and out of show and it’s like a personal vendetta as everyone proves them wrong.

Also furious over the Ryan and JLH photo. It was supposed to be Lou and her after all. They just knew it would be happening. Why wouldn’t she have a photo with her on screen brothers boyfriend but then she had one with Ryan instead. (I think this has the added insult because everyone knows Lou was at the set for filming so not being shown still is not a good sign)

They are as I’m sure you’re aware trying to be positive about saying the over shirt Oliver had on for his Buck fit, is apparently an Italian material made flight jacket. Or that’s what’s being spread around anyway. And Making big emphasis on the Italian portion because Lou’s Italian and that means it’s meant to be. I suppose when you don’t have much to go with you fixate on the strangest things lol.

Which brings us to that whole ABC video. I’m not sure how it is in the groups the others are in but the few I’m in it’s a lot of just pretend it didn’t happen. The loud ones made such a stink the other day over the comment being pinned and re throwing in our faces that kiss video ABC shared and how it all proves endgame that now ABC making this video with Oliver and not showing Lou has them wanting to bring as little attention to it as possible since again those few loud ones are making them all look stupid. Because the same logic would essentially apply here. Only the buddie side would have more weight behind it since there has been so much buddie promo already for season 8 with the show, the cast, the crew, even the journalists and absolutely nothing from Lou/Tommy besides a couple random likes on instagram (where he still isn’t responding to anyone)

TikTok side the creator who made that video issued a formal apology video today. She basically blamed it on being in an unmedicated hypomanic state but says it’s not an excuse. She’s lost a lot of followers due to her video. She was almost at 18k when she originally posted the Tommy video and now she’s at 16.8k. She does mention she will be taking a step back from the fandom for a while and doesn’t know if she’ll be back and if she if it’ll be awhile and just sticking to recap videos. I’m not going to personally say if I believe it’s genuine or not but it’s out there for people to see if they want and make their own decisions. I do know that some of the more vocal BT fans are trying to use her apology videos as a “omg look what the bobs are doing now. Attacking this creator for making a video” and just removing all context surrounding the issue of course.

I will end this update by saying the more stuff we’ve gotten today the quieter they have gotten. Which to me is kinda unnerving but also kinda tracks. It’s hard to keep trying to launch a delusion narrative when you keep essentially getting whacked in the face by all the official channels repeatedly in such a short time period. I also think it’s starting to really sink in for at least some of the people that they can be as mad as they want but it’s not going to change the reality of the situation.

Hope things are calm for you, and personally hoping for some LW or GG insight. I’m dying to know what some of the others experienced from this wild day.

~🅰️

Hi darling ❤️

This was a RIDE. It just keeps going, oh my god lol I don't even know what to say tbh. The insistence on hating on Ryan that keeps continuously backfiring is actually so entertaining, it's like the more they hate on him, the more powerful he gets lately. I will say I did laugh hysterically for about 5 minutes when I saw the picture of Ryan and Jen because I remember the way they were saying Lou was gonna show up in a selfie with her and it was too funny. And the way that they chose not to use a picture with him when all the pics were from the medal ceremony was a choice....... I did look into the jacket, it is an Italian flight jacket but it's a green jacket and green on Buck is never a good sign, so I'm not worried on that front lol. The fact that some of them are just ignoring the video when they were rubbing the kisscam on everyone's face is embarrassing. The tiktoker is just... I don't even know what to say there. But honestly, it must be hard to hold on to this delusion in the current state of affairs, getting mad is not going to change anything.

[helyeahmangocheese]

Give me the bipolar2!percy headcanons, my good royalty of ambiguous gender.

I have Bpd!Percy as a massive headcanon for him ^__^

okok this is just gonna be an info dump of what comes to mind and mostly comes from my own experiences/how I read percy but since you so kindly asked:

its onset is probably closer to the first Great Prophecy — not that hypomania wasn't brewing for multiple reasons and not that he hadn't already experienced depression but I do imagine that further into his teens he becomes more and more sleepless abt his inevitable death and he starts feeling more ok with so called risky behaviors

lol on that note he'd mess with annabeth and snack on her melatonin gummies casually before bed. it wouldn't do anything to him and he's not trying for that either—the strawberry ones just kinda taste good tho

realtalk this is honestly really unhealthy but he's probably convinced all is fine when he goes hypomanic during dangerous quests (particularly during HoO). this is the only time he truly believes he can do the world-saving, legendary things that he /is/ capable of. it's not necessarily that he has an "overinflated" self image—he's just at the point where he's willing to take the risks per the quest and believe he can pull it off. which honestly is often required for those moments, and that's why the cycles are so hard.

same with his having "grandiose plans" or having all this energy despite getting no sleep—it's all just his body coping with excessive trauma and unrealistic expectations on these quests, that's how he pulls it all off. is it technically a hypomanic episode? will he eventually crash? yes and yes, but he's also the son of Poseidon so wyd. he needs to have a plan and he needs to believe he can pull it off. he needs to pull it off.

oh but I would love to see percy's rapid speech written out as dialogue. like, explaining a plan he has but it's too fast and he explains it backwards but he doesn't even realize that not everybody is on the same level as him in the moment. bc that's what it's like in both types of episodes—just constant confusion abt where you are and why others aren't there with you.

his depressive episodes are fucking awful after quests and it takes a similar hit to him when nobody else seems to feel as deeply as he does about it. he falls back into self deprecation and it's really confusing for people to witness and experience these "two types of Percy." he's really not a fan of people labeling it that.

sometimes he just won't talk after and the best thing at that point is to just be around him let him choose how to express himself—because he's honestly really creative. music and painting kind of let him sit with whatever emotions, whatever episode he's experiencing, process it, and share afterwards. he's very vivid when explaining his experiences, he just needs time, and he needs to feel in control while also not self-isolating.

annabeth does a really good job of making sure he's not ever alone in a risky way while also giving him space and also they parallel play a lot.

outside of episodes, he just feels things very deeply in general. he loves deeply, he mourns deeply. when he says he feels for you, he fucking means it.

he doesn't necessarily rapid-cycle, but he has both types of ADHD so he has to be very careful about the lines between hyperfixation and hypomania. and inattentiveness vs literally just being dissociated. bc holy shit he did NOT see that coming when he started New Rome University—my boy managed to panic-complete all of his assignments during the week, go out every weekend out of FOMO, and then crashed so hard during winter break back home that I'm honestly pretty sure this is when they diagnose him.

bc tbh all of the other symptoms popping up during SON/MOA era and particularly through/after going through Tartarus made a lot of sense. but he was hoping it'd be over after he stopped feeling the need to sacrifice sleep to protect Annabeth every night, etc. the fact that uni became one of his triggers after hs was a total sideswipe.

boy was hypomanic during hoh-boa and when apollo saw him in that whole "please god not this again" state in toa he was in the corresponding depression tbh. idk if that lines up w the timeline but it's probably true.

also one of his "risky behaviors" is getting into so many commitments with various friend groups that he can't juggle them all but can he really help it bc he's loyal? like is it his fault that he's for some reason managing multiple club sports teams because he likes the people and he picked up so many different sports/hobbies out of boredom the last time he wasn't sleeping more than 4 hours a night? oops!

it also probably works that annabeth doesn't mind taking care of finances bc he will impulse spend it on these hobbies when he has all that hypomanic energy. love u bby boy me too.

literally word vomit but I hope that made sense and Im happy to elaborate or discuss heh! also: thank u for being absolutely correct abt my gender

[moon-upright]

Julian personality styles brainrot. . .

so i was taking personality tests on behalf of julian devorak, as one does, and i thought this was actually kind of interesting.

disclaimer: while i believe this is pretty true to julian as a character, it's probably at least a little biased because i did answer based on how -> I <- see him, so it might not align with your opinion.

**also, any terms used in this are NOT talking about or diagnosing any disorder, just used as ways to describe a personality. this is a for fun test and isn't meant to be taken very seriously. (i.e., scoring "histrionic" does NOT mean this is a representation of hpd). ok? ok.

the results i got (or the results that Julian got) were "Multiple Personality Styles," which basically means i either pressed "agree" too much or he has more than one equally prominent personality style. tied for first, as you can see in the image, are "histrionic" and "depressive". the idea that these two personality styles are expressed equally in julian is lowk funny to me, but also makes perfect sense. those two go hand in hand when it comes to his personality.

histrionic is defined as "overly theatrical or melodramatic in character or style"

depressive personality is related to traits that include (but are not limited to) nonassertiveness, gloominess, self-criticism, low self-esteem, guilt, and anxiety. depressive and histrionic seem to contradict a bit, but julian is a PTSD-ridden, depressed, flamboyant bisexual theater kid who loves people. that's a lot. and if anyone would have two strong personality styles concurrently, it's him.

his next highest is "masochistic" which is, well. yeah.

3rd place is hypomanic, hypomania being considered a milder version of mania (elevated mood or energy, overactivity, etc). this makes sense once again, since we know he can be restless and energetic, has consistent difficulty with sleep, and even worked so hard during the plague that he apparently didn't even notice his apprentice (potentially his love interest, depending on your interpretation), getting sick.

im not going to discuss everything on here, but i do want to define the 0% ones. Sadistic means hurting others and enjoying it, Narcissistic is inflated sense of pride (and a sensitive ego), Negativistic is opposing what other people say and do, and Schizoid is characterized with aloofness and being solitary. for all of these, - for the reason that julian is very sociable, selfless, and doesn't want to hurt a fly - 0% is the right level in my eyes.

so long story short. i just wanted to share these silly personality test results. it makes me understand why valdemar wanted to dissect julian's brain so much (though i will never support that). this was kind of a mess but really im just brainrotting and i don't post that often so 😭

here's the link for the quiz if you want to take it for yourself or even try to see if your Julian results match with mine !

[heymacy]

hi! i haven’t seen mickeyless seasons so i wanted to ask if ian ever has issues about being bipolar like he did with mickey? like him breaking up in s5 for not wanting to see mickey hurt and s10 when he asks if he’s crazy for wanting to be with him! i think i read somewhere that caleb? maybe had a talk about self love or whatever to ian but that dude was horrendous ( not that trevor was best for what ive seen ) so im not sure that counts ahah

hi anon!

yes, ian grappling with his disorder is a very very big theme throughout seasons 6, 7, 8, and 9. in fact i would argue that aside from him becoming an EMT, the bipolar storyline is his most significant one (i typed out my response and it got very long so i'm going to put it below the cut 💛)

in s6 he is fresh off of the diagnosis, the breakup, and coping with mickey going to prison (and he was definitely trying to cope, he still loved him and seeing someone you love locked up is immeasurably hard. i feel like we don't talk about this enough). he feels very aimless and it isn't until an incident (he's a bystander to a car crash and rescues a woman from a burning vehicle) that he finds his new path (becoming an EMT, which he does by the end of s6). caleb was absolutely awful in so many ways but the one good thing he did do was encourage and support ian in finding a new life path, which is the only credit i will give him. there's also a deleted scene in s6 that is so, so important re: understanding how mentally ill people are viewed and treated in society and of course ian's monologue about how he's good at his job because of his illness, which is one of my favorite scenes in the entire show.

in s7, he's getting healthy again and taking his meds, but it isn't without struggle. there's a very poignant and important scene (part one, part two) with lip where he expresses his struggles with his disorder and how hard it is for him to cope with taking his meds and listening to the warning signs for episodes (he was behaving in ways akin to a hypomanic episode/showing signs of slipping into an episode just before the conversation happens). by the end of the season, after he leaves mickey at the border, he's still relatively stable, but the emotional triggers of leaving mickey behind + monica's death start to take a toll on him, which we see in s8. there's also the trevor of it all in s7, but that's a whole other issue. trevor did not have a positive impact on ian's self-esteem whatsoever and even went so far as to demand ian forgive monica and "move on" after knowing 0.1% of the history between the two of them. that scene in particular makes me unfathomably angry and i just know it was deeply, deeply triggering for ian to hear that from someone he cared about.

in s8, we have the gay jesus storyline, which i absolutely detest and hate to discuss, but it's part of his story and it needs to be acknowledged. he's taken advantage of a lot this season, propelled towards some sort of fucked up end goal with very little control over his circumstances, and it quickly spirals out of control. while the writers never explicitly state that ian is hypo/manic during this season, you can watch the progression happen if you pay close enough attention. despite not being given a lot to work with, cameron did a great job at playing the nuances of bipolar disorder this season, showing ian's descent into hypo/mania as the gay jesus movement grows and warps.

in s9, he's in prison for the first time and is noticeably manic. after being released, he starts seeking out meaning and purpose in religion. eventually he's forced to face the consequences of his actions and pleads not guilty to arson by reason of insanity, not only defying the wishes of the gay jesus followers (they feared him going public with his diagnosis and pleading insanity would delegitimize the movement) but also finally choosing to really acknowledge his disorder, reckon with it, and make peace with it, in a strange sort of way. it's a very important and pivotal moment for his character and cameron absolutely delivers during his plea monologue.

if you've see s10 you know how his self-worth takes a hit regarding the marriage storyline, and how he's so terrified of marrying mickey because 1) he doesn't know if he's capable of being a good partner because he doesn't feel like he had good examples of healthy marriage standards growing up and 2) he isn't sure mickey knows what he's signing up for re: his disorder and everything it entails. which, of course, is not the case, because mickey doesn't love him in spite of his disorder, he loves him completely, and his disorder is just a part of that. he wants all of him, always, and that's a huge plot point in s10 and s11 ("i gotta worry, you're my husband" scene my absolute beloved).

anyway. the short answer is that yes, ian spends a lot of time grappling with his disorder and the realities of life as a bipolar human. he deals with issues regarding his self-worth, his purpose, and his relationships. speaking as a bipolar individual, i can say with absolute certainty that coming to terms with your diagnosis is a long, arduous process that takes many years and a lot of commitment to achieve. it's not easy, and though the writers dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines in the show, they did a pretty damn good job of showing how hard it is to cope and live with the realities of bipolar disorder and everything that entails.

if you ever want to see more of his journey, gallavichscenes on youtube has playlists of all of ian's scenes in season 6, season 7, season 8, and season 9. i highly recommend watching the show in its entirety but if you don't want to do that, i recommend at the very least watching the rest of ian's storyline. it colors so much of his story and mickey's and it's hard to fully comprehend the extent of their relationship without understanding that storyline. i hope this answered your question! sending tons and tons of love 💛

[sarnai4]

Dagur's Diagnosis

To begin, I am not, repeat, not an expert. I like Psychology and have fallen in love with the DSM-5. Because of an unhealthy obsession with Dagur, I have decided to see how I would diagnose him if I had to. So, please do not take these to heart. It's just my opinion from what I've seen him do and what I've read. Also, major spoiler warnings since I use some scenes for examples. With that out the way, let's begin:

For some background info, when a disorder is first called “unspecified” or “other specified,” that means that some of the symptoms are exhibited in statistically significant ways, but the criteria is not fully met. Their only difference is that the therapist didn't say said which are not shown and which are or they did, respectively.

Other specified ADHD: Dagur does have symptoms of inattention with not being able to sustain attention on one thing for a while (shown in earlier seasons with him getting bored/impatient in a matter of a few seconds and in the finale with him being bored on Berserker Island since there was nothing to do). He does not qualify for the full criteria of having 6 + symptoms such as forgetting what he is doing, losing items, or avoiding tasks which make him have to focus for a while. If anything, he can get fixated on things. He also lacks the criteria for hyperactivity, including fidgeting (although I do like to include it for some fanfics), not waiting your turn, etc., but he has two disorders commonly associated with ADHD which are the following.

Oppositional defiant disorder: This involves ongoing anger, arguing, defiance, and irritability towards parents/authority figures. Dagur was shown to be very rude towards Stoick when he was a kid and spoke disrespectfully about his father as well. He also disliked Alvin taking charge. Even though he agreed to seemingly team up with the Grimborns, he didn't like working for them either.

Conduct disorder: This is characterized by having a difficult time following rules and behaving in socially acceptable ways. These people might become bullies or hurt animals (the former of which I think he was inadvertently towards Hiccup when they were kids and the latter of which he very intentionally was doing with dragons). 

Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder: Dagur has severe, recurrent temper outbursts which aren't explained by manic or hypomanic episodes associated with bipolar disorders. These outbursts are for most of the day, nearly every day, and observable. Even when he's trying to be better, he regularly yells at people like roaring at Astrid in "Chain of Command" when she tried to calm him down and yelling at his Berserkers to shut up when he was trying to address them.

Posttraumatic stress disorder: With his experiences in jail, I believe Dagur now has this and is traumatized/has trouble sleeping with nightmares (one at least shown the only time he was shown sleeping in "Enemy of My Enemy.") This could also explain the bags under his eyes not seen on most of the other characters, especially the younger ones. Other symptoms include avoiding the distressful situation (he used humor immediately afterwards to dismiss it), distrusting others since he used to only trust himself, blaming others like those on his revenge list he tattooed to his arm, and being in a persistent negative emotional state. He engages in verbal/physical reactions of violence with little provocation, can be reckless, and probably has sleep disturbances. 

Unspecified neurocognitive disorder: I think Dagur has this since he has issues of executive function, namely his inhibition seen in how he just responds strangely to situations and seems to lack a filter even when he is not trying to be offensive. It's like when he insulted Hiccup twice, trying to insult him neither times. The first was when he started to call him a runt when they were kids and stopped himself; the second was when he likened him to a wimpy Dragon Hunter. Also, this is associated with a loss of sympathy or empathy which he had as a bad guy, killing Vikings for weapons even when he could just buy them. 

Formerly narcissistic personality disorder: Dagur he had a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement in addition to being preoccupied with success and power. Evil Dagur thought he was the most important person in the world and there's still a bit of cockiness when he's good (thinking having a Gronckle was "beneath [him].") He was also interpersonally exploitative with taking advantage of others like his fellow villains, again with lacking empathy, being envious of others (Hiccup had a dragon and he didn’t), and arrogant. 

Lastly, general personality disorder: I think Dagur has this with his cognition (ways of perceiving/interpreting himself, people, and events) being impaired. He naturally thinks very differently from the others. For instance, he thought getting down on one knee was a normal way to ask someone to be your best man...I mean, I haven't actually seen it happen in-person, but I feel like it isn't. Hiccup would seem to agree. His affectivity with emotions being intense and changing also are impaired as well as his impulse control. GPD is also known for being stable which it is since it’s a persistent thing that didn’t change even when he was good. I feel like this affects Dagur the most since it's here no matter his good or bad alignment and effects many areas of his life since our cognition is a major influence in our lives.

I'm curious what everyone else thinks! Do these seem possible or are you thinking something else?

[angelosearch]

Hooray Tumblr is letting me post this now!!

The following is a super intense, probably too personal essay about trying to process the overwhelmingly GOOD news that I got into grad school.

I wasn't sure about posting this, but ultimately, it is a story about never giving up, because you never know where you will be in a couple of years. So maybe this will help someone who is struggling with feelings of being trapped in their own lives.

It can get better, and it will.

I look at my life right now and I am so overwhelmed and grateful. I get to be creative every day. I am writing again. I am always learning new things about art and psychology. I have a lovely home and amazing husband and great dog that I cherish. I have met some incredible people that, now that they are in my life, I never want them to leave.

And now I have gotten into grad school.

It all seems impossibly fantastic and I wonder what I did to deserve this. There is also a part of me that is curious when I will mess it up, but in this big tangle of emotions I am feeling, I am trying not to dwell on those.

There is a cord of sentiment that is thicker and wrapped around the rest. Something that I can't put a name to, but it has a color the shade of something thankful. Every time I twirl it around my mind I start to tear up.

It is the feeling that I am living a life I never could have imagined in my darkest days and I am just... so so so happy I am still here for them.

In the winter of 2020, after a life-long battle with mental illness, I gave up. I didn't try to give up, I actually gave up. It is only by some kindness of the universe that I am still here to type this post.

Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary question--but the problem is, when you spend a good portion of your life haunted by depression and trauma and a voice that tells you that you have nothing to offer the world, the question does not seem temporary. When I became unable to imagine an escape from a job that made me feel worthless, a chronic illness that put me in pain and left me in isolation, a blanket of guilt I could not shake, and a global tragedy with no end in sight, I took my own emergency exit. It was like jumping out of the window of a burning building on the 32 floor. I believed I would die either way, but the fall to the ground would require less suffering.

I was lucky enough to be caught on the way down - but I didn't feel lucky. They wanted to put me back in the building, and now the fire was hotter and had consumed my furniture.

I woke up in a very poorly run psych ward. So poorly run, my husband did not know where I had been taken for 18 hours after he called 911. I was given a roommate who was way too much like my mother, and I slowly became manic without the knowledge of the staff. They discharged me a few days before Christmas.

I had been hypomanic before, but I never had a word for it. When I was crying at the sunset that night and feeling so energetic and happy (and telling the funniest jokes I had ever told, from my skewed perspective), I just thought I was happy to be alive. But I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. My pressured speech and grandiose ideas scared my husband and I ended up in psych ward #2 (a much nicer one). I had to spend one night in the ER screaming and hallucinating, believing my heart would give out before I'd fall asleep, before I got there, though.

They called it "manic psychosis." I called it "the darkest timeline."

On Christmas eve, I was given the gift of a new diagnosis: bipolar disorder. I was too unstable to know what that meant or to conceptualize that the burning building was crumbling in some parts.

On the day I was discharged, I slept very little and was extremely lethargic. I had trouble moving and my assigned counselor had to prop me up to help me to his office. I don't know why they discharged me when I had to be taken downstairs in a wheelchair, but they did.

I was in urgent care not 24 hours later when I could no longer walk or sit up, and I even had trouble speaking. A nice EMT, who I remember had a name that included two US presidents, though I don't recall which, took me to my third hospital in two weeks. By time I made it to my room, I had trouble swallowing and was put on a liquid diet.

It is hard to say what the worst part of this terrifying saga was. However, laying in that hospital bed with no ability to regulate my body temperature, stuck awake and unable to move with relentless, restless, manic energy, without so much as the relief of distraction from the picture on the tiny hospital TV because I didn't have my glasses, was excruciating in ways I still have trouble coming to terms with. I watched a lot of basketball, I think, by the squeaky sounds of the shoes.

After being assaulted by a frustrated nurse on New Year's Eve, I laid in my hospital bed wishing for the release of sleep while hospital staff hooted and hollered distantly for the ball drop. 2021 had begun and I was in the darkest place I had ever been.

When I could eat by myself again and manageably push around a walker, I was discharged on a rainy January day. No one could say for sure why my strange, temporary paralysis happened. Could have been the benzos I had taken too many of. Could have been the adjustment to the Lithium that would chase away the mania. Most likely, it was the sloppy transition off of Effexor at the first psych ward.

I was finally back in my burning building. I was fired from my job as soon as I had the strength to hold a phone. I had to explain and apologize to friends and family who were stunned and afraid of my actions. And then January 6th happened. In a few days, I would have to start physical therapy and a Partial Hospitalization Program (group therapy school).

I looked at my disintegrating surroundings and thought they expect me to fight for this? Why? I wished I had been successful in my attempt but I had only succeeded in making my life harder.

I guess those who cheered me on could see the possibility of my happiness and success, but I had a lot of trouble catching a glimpse. I went to another psych ward at the beginning of 2022 and ended up in a residential care facility for Halloween and Thanksgiving that year. I had two different jobs, both I ended up quitting for treatment. I tried group therapy and different therapists. I switched medications countless times and even tried Ketamine therapy for a while. Up until April of 2023 (when I started EMDR) or so, it really all felt hopeless, but for some reason, I fought for the unknowable just beyond the horizon. I kept asking for help.

And now I am here, and I can't believe all of this almost didn't happen.

I look around my office and see pieces of art I would have never created. I would have missed concerts and weddings and road trips. There is so much music I would have never listened to! I would have never rediscovered my childhood passions and learned how to be myself. I would never have met some very important people in my life.

It almost never happened, but I was given a second chance.

I have so many feelings right now, some good, some bad. I am excited. I am anxious. I wonder if I can handle the challenge and I fear my bragging or arrogance. But the biggest feeling is my desire to go back in time and hold a version of myself that couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and kept walking anyway.

Now we get to chase our dreams, and teach other people to hold on like you did.

[silenthillmutual]

my buddy @doomednarrative tagged me in a fic writer's ask game so ^_^ let's do this!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

on my current account i have 154. being unemployed and hypomanic during lockdown will do that to you.

2. What is your AO3 wordcount?

895,907. i can't tell if that's a normal distribution for my fic count or not.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

at the moment: silent hill, bloodborne, and pathologic. most of what i have up there is for pathologic. i've got other fandoms up there though.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

eight, thirty-one - 1899 kudos (danganronpa)

to quote mika, age 35, of beirut, lebanon: "where have all the good (gay) guys gone?" - 1066 kudos (danganronpa)

(they long to be) close to you - 1021 kudos (mob psycho 100)

all jotaro wants for christmas is kakyoin (and he screws that up) - 810 kudos (jojo's bizarre adventure)

anticlimax - 796 kudos (danganronpa)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i've responded to most comments i've gotten, though it's always months late because i tend to read the e-mail first thing in the morning, head to work, and completely forget to respond. responding feels more personal. i know i'd be more likely to comment on someone's fics if i knew they appreciated it, so i try to make the effort, even if i struggle to know what to say.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

god this is old as hell but probably life in technicolor/the end of all things. they're life is strange style aus for one punch man and genos dies at the end of one of them, and at the end of the other the city is destroyed. the fics are connected, but i won't say how.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

so tired, so tired, my heart and i (pathologic) is probably the sappiest i've ever written a fic so i'm guessing that one!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

occasionally. i got transmisogynist hate for when you finally get inovlved, face to face for writing chihiro as a trans girl, and it made me stop writing for danganronpa altogether. i got a guest user on some burakhovsky nsfw i posted (idr which one) who said "jesus christ, tag your trans shit". and someone who went off on me years ago called vita in motu (pathologic) "borderline mpreg" and they very much meant it derogatorily. so if i seem a lil paranoid about interacting w people there's a reason why lol.

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

i do! i actually write more smut than i post because i am not showing everyone my oc/canon smut. like some friends will be able to see it but i'm not brave enough to show the whole world that. also a lot of au smut recently that has no context and i'm not posting it to ao3 without context.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

i did moreso in the past than currently. we're not gonna talk about the craziest one though<3 love and light

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nah. i've had people write fic very inspired by stuff i've written but not copy-and-paste stolen, to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

people have asked but as far as i know it never happened. always thought it would be cool!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes!! w my buddy dj :) also published rps in the past that i shaped up into fics.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

mulder/scully is The Ship Of All Time to me. the blueprint.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh there's a few!!

a rebel without a case rewrite that i started because i wanted to fix what i saw as timing issues in the film.

an akira/mob psycho 100... crossover? au? both? i had some real ideas for that one but it's not going anywhere

a silent hill au for mob psycho 100 that apprently someone was interested in enough to try and make their own while referencing mine. it was an audience participation fic and i'm honestly upset that i lost steam on this one because it was a lot of fun!

a magnus archives statement from artemy burakh. the idea behind that one was that he saw daniil die, and then be replaced by another actor... but artemy's the only one who noticed the different actor.

literally dozens of pathologic fics that i have started like you have no idea just how much i have started for that stupid game.

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'm not sure! my partner says i do vagueness well, and the unease that comes with that. i think i do decent at introspection in general

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

action for sure. i tend to do better with thought than with action, so i can write really long scenes where absolutely nothing hapens. kind of an issue!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i don't really do it because i only know like...extremely basic german and i feel it'd be a disservice to other languages to just google translate. i will occasionally describe characters using sign, but again... not knowing it, i don't feel comfortable just saying shit, you know?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i wrote something like fanfic as a like, eight year old? for a book series i can no longer remember. but for first published fanfic it was either bones or soul eater. those fics might still be out there, who knows!

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

i don't really have one! i'm still really proud of o tempora, o mores (pathologic), vita in motu (pathologic), and my mind has changed my body's frame (bloodborne) <- less sure of that one bc not much feedback but y'know!

who shall i tag.... @stvlti, @brodyliciousbooty, @loudmound, @go-go-devil, @shogoakuji and anyone else who writes, consider yourself tagged :P !

[eclectic-grandma]

🔮

Ramblings on mental illness fuckery under the cut. I gotta put it somewhere.

I had. Such a pleasant day. Pleasant is the best word, and I'm trying to approach my feelings with some amount of restraint. Because yes, the weather is changing around, and yes my meds were adjusted two weeks ago, and yes I've been using substances and seeing my friends and fucking around. Yes I sat in a park today for 3 hours on a whim with two of the three most important people in my life who don't share my blood, and yes, I had a pleasant day! I had a lakeside cigarette and croissant!

I have no money, I have a plan to reduce the cost of being alive that is no longer in my court, and I feel like I'm one misstep away from complete ruin at any given second! So of course when I have a pleasant day, when I feel love and camaraderie and the sunshine beating on my face, of course I'm going to look back on it after the sun goes down and my friends are not around and spin myself up into an anxious knot over the hypomanic-ness of it all. Why wouldn't I shrink within myself in shame at my attraction to those two best friends, want to apologize 17 times to make sure that I didn't secretly cross a boundary with banter that wasn't in any way out of the ordinary. Why shouldn't I want, more than anything in the world, to be able to experience an ordinary afternoon, feeling accepted and loved and understood more often. And so the cycle starts again-- is it really fine? Is it really /real/? Or is your brain lying? What if this is the cheese that lures me into calmness and the path that leads to mania. Promises of an unremarkable day that feels like a stimulant, with the whisper that it could be like this and that maybe it's even like this for other people! My rules are different, of course. No one taught me theirs, and the set I was taught didn't even take right! How should I know? Does it matter? Who even cares? Because deep down, all that doesn't change that today was pleasant! Both can be true, and also, yes and! I don't know why I'm typing this out except that I can't not get my thoughts out somehow. I have to need to somehow be understood about this.

Would they understand? They've seen me at my worst, and my best. Things change. Worst and best are even squishy. They loved my first manic phase. I did too, until. Until until until and then all of the plesantness, all of the fun, the joy, was gone just like when it's cold and empty and nothing matters except I couldn't even sleep, couldn't eat, wanted to scratch myself to shreds and put mirrors everywhere so I could at least confirm that the things I was hearing that were not words didn't come from anything or anyone real. And my best, for me, hasn't always looked the best to them.

I love being queer, I love men and I love the feeling of attraction, the desire, the comfort. But I hate the member of the council judging my every action from within my head who can't shut up about about how I can't ever make anyone uncomfortable, how I am not allowed to be expressive with my desire lest they don't return it and everything falls apart. The friendship, or maybe I'd just get hit again. Maybe I'd be iced out of the entire friend group. Cast out from the flock for perversion. They've said it's fine. They've made the jokes, I've literally blown one of them on and off for two years, in a different era. But he's straight. And I'm not good at the rules anyway. They're unspoken, at least until you've broken one bad enough to be punished with expulsion.

I can't tell if I had a genuinely 'happy, right side of the bed' day, that this is normal and I've been so depressed for long enough that I've forgotten the simple joy of hanging out on a bluff, or if this energy and excitement is a warning sign, or if I'm already fully off the deep end or if this is the only lucid thought I've ever had. The cop in my head wants me to reel it in, something deeper is gnawing at bars, and I don't know which side I'm on, if I'm both, if I'm neither. I don't know I don't know I hate not knowing. If I'm not fluent in my internal language, if I don't know if I can trust my senses and my feelings and my experience to be in line with the shared reality, and I also never learned the rules of how to behave in that shared reality, just copied and copied and tried and tried until I finally got enough of a mask cobbler together to not get completely isolated... What is there?

And why is this tearing me up tonight when it's constantly on my mind! I'm not sure I'd know if I had enough money to relax, I've not had a savings or emergency fund in my adult life. I know that my brain works differently, I know that being queer is isolating, I know that my childhood did not prepare me for the world or encourage any amount of self understanding. I know that I desperately want to be wanted and be confident that I wouldn't be left alone. I dance around and with these things all day! But this is a fucking intersectional gangbang with a side of "if bipolar is degenerative and messes with memory and experience and I'm having problems with memory and experience now at the ripe old age of twenty-something, how the hell am I gonna make it to the part where it gets better?" And for desert there's "you've spent your life dedicating time to sharpening your mind and learning deep math and ways to think about thinking and play with abstraction. You've always been known as a smart person, a math person, someone who has a passion for the thing everyone hated in high school. What happens if you're not as smart as they think you are? As you think you are. What if you were, but you aren't anymore? When will they notice?"

Anyway if you made it to this part, why? What's the drive to do that. Do you see yourself? Do you see an alien perspective? I'm going to bed the instant after I hit post but what the fuck, man? Anyone got an insightful zinger?

It's fair if you don't. That's usually why I'm around.

[fraterimperatorr]

Stupid vent post. Sorry.

I am so very tired. Seasons changing. I suddenly feel a depressive episode coming on. It really sucks that I am not aware of my hypomanic episodes when they are actively occurring until I come down from one. I am very embarrassed of the things I did during this episode. Though I am generally euthymic (I have had a stable medication regimen for about two years now), I deal with seasonal affectiveness every year. Luckily I’m managing my ADHD well, my Bipolar disorder not so much. My psychiatrist of 4 years just shutting down on short notice and having to scramble to find a new provider because I was completely out of meds was so hard on me. Being unmedicated would without a doubt put me into a mental health crisis. Keeping up with and seeing the impacts of Hurricane Milton as well as Helene (and being directly impacted by Helene) have exhausted me. And keeping up with and being so close to the BioLab fire as well. Preparing for another holiday season in retail is tiring even though I love my job. My fiancé’s grandmother was put on hospice and just passed away yesterday morning. His family was in FL during the hurricane and he is going to FL this weekend for the funeral. I feel guilty I cannot be there. I feel overwhelmed. I’m just rambling at this point but I am just so tired and feel so shitty mentally and physically. If anyone read this, thanks for listening ♥️

[midnitevintage]

Characters I Headcanon have Bipolar disorder

(From the perspective of someone living with Bipolar 2)

**Disclaimer**

This is all meant to be in good fun and I’m no mental health expert; merely someone who has been through lots of therapy

Let’s Begin!

1. Rin Okumura from Blue Exorcist

I’ve always related to Rin Okumura, especially during the time I was under the mistaken diagnosis of ADD. I was surprised to learn from this that a lot of symptoms of bipolar can look like ADD/ADHD at times.

For example, Rin is shown to be someone who is easily distracted or fixated on new topics. He also tends to sleep a lot which is confirmed in the manga by the fact that this boy sleeps 12 hours every night. And finally a major factor that clued me in is how easily he is swayed by his emotions which leads him to act impulsively.

Rin’s emotions tie him to his demonic half which in turn can cause a lot of inner turmoil for him. I’m sure anyone with bipolar can relate in feeling like their change to either a manic/hypomanic state can cause them to feel like a demon and out of control. But as is shown in the series, by practicing to focus on his emotions, Rin learns to lessen and control his symptoms.

2. Gangle from The Amazing Digital Circus

I know I know, I’m lowkey pulling for stereotypes here with the tragedy and comedy masks. And on top of that this is a series with only a pilot so we hardly know anything concrete about her character. 😂

Everyone in the digital circus seems to play a role based off of their avatar given to them. As a being with two different masks, Gangle is very sensitive to the way in which she acts when her comedy mask is broken.

She tends to be very anxious and sensitive to the events that unfold around her both physically and mentally (she unravels from a mere bowling ball being thrown her way by Jax).

In some fandom interpretations of her character I’ve seen interesting depictions that also heavily give bipolar vibes like Gangle having an abstracted self tied to her ribbons or forcing on her comedy mask. I love Gangle and this pilot.

3. Captain SpaceBoy from Omori

Oh poor Captain SpaceBoy. He’s so heavily influenced by any mood swings he experiences that he seems to take on an entirely new persona whether it be SpaceBoyfriend, Space-ExBoyfriend, SpaceHusband, or Space-ExHusband.

When you first meet his character, you can clearly see he is depressed as he refuses to leave his bed and throws away any special possessions that remind him of his heart ache. Later on he even goes as far as to isolate himself on top of a snowy mountain when the heartache returns to him again..

He is also easily consumed by a rage which seems similar to a manic/hypomanic state that leads him to fight the main cast of characters. Also when it comes to his special boss battle I find it interesting how you can only defeat him by fighting him in certain states of emotion.

4. Howl Jenkins Pendragon from Howl’s Moving Castle

Howl is undeniably a drama Queen, but some of the ways in which he takes certain actions give me some bipolar vibes.

There is of course the infamous scene in which he throws a tantrum due to Sophie organizing his hair dye potions. He swings very quickly from being irritated and enraged to absolutely inconsolable and depressed. He even spends that next couple hours in bed after this scene.

Howl also tends to lead himself to danger as he appears to be in heightened states of euphoria when he pushes himself to the limit with his magic. He is also rather impulsive when it comes to the relationships he makes with others if we are going off of his book persona.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But above all!! All these characters are shown to be good people who genuinely care about the feelings of others and try to do their best to help even when their own mental health is bringing them down.

Bipolar individuals are more than their disorder; we are all kind people ♥️

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that’s all! Lemme know what you think :)

[autumnbell32]

I've had bad depressive episodes- more than I count- since I was 12. The hypomanic episodes- I don't know how long I've had them. Sometimes, since my baseline is usually sadness and anxiety peppered with neutrality, it is hard for me to tell the difference between feeling happy and hypomania- Am I just feeling good? Am I scrambling to get everything done before the next depression hits or is this maniacal energy? The past few days...there has been NO question that I'm hypomanic, perhaps even experiencing full blown mania.

These are the worst symptoms I have ever had. I've heard things before...during a bad depressive episode and during times when I am overstimulated or sleep-deprived. They've always caught me by surprise- I hear them internally, of course, but imagine being completely alone and hearing a voice that isn't coming out of your own mouth or your phone. I've always paused after it happens, at least momentarily. Before this week, they had been nonsensical words and phrases that weren't contextual. Today, though. I woke up after few hours of sleep and immediately I was in eye-bulging, hand-trembling, panic city.

I couldn't stay in bed anymore. I got up, pulled my hair back, and went and got my usual iced coffee. LIKE AN IDIOT. Sure, lets add caffeine to this mix of heart palpitations and paranoia. Dum-dum. By the time I got back home I was sitting in my car, hearing a voice telling me I was "loveless." "It's just a voice...a biochemical issue...a brain glitch from new meds and genetics and lack of sleep." Yeah, I started bawling anyways. Loveless? Add into the fact that I have zero confidence right now and feel the most unmarketable I have ever felt and feel super attracted to someone I am talking to who, I'm pretty sure, thinks I'm a soft 4 (if that). And then someone on the Youtube replied to a non-inflammatory comment I made about Pete Davidson's fine self with insults of me being ugly and fat. I stared at the vegetarian breakfast sandwhich I had in the seat next too me, felt nauseated and it was waterworks. Fuck, I'm just trying my best. The psych meds have put weight on me.

I called my mom, asked her if I seem hypomanic. "Nope you seem happy." I called my brother, with his steady, calculated tone and told him my symptoms and told him I was scared. I mean, they aren't equipped to deal with this but I don't talk to many people. OH and I messaged the person I am talking to, who also deals with similar issues, and had a meltdown. I mean, things are great 👍. I went inside, called a nurse line and messaged my therapist, both advised ER. I can't. I can't miss any work. I'll go to this 6 hour short shift and drive myself to ER afterwards if I still feel like my brain is rolling out of my skull and down into a ditch. I have the next two days off. I called my insurance's helpline that is staffed with LCSWs, telling her I can't miss work, and we came up with a plan. Which I have written down on a notecard to keep in my pocket today. Listen, my aunt was late onset schizophrenic and her daughter was as well, I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared. But all I can do is try to support myself and handle it. And not panic.

I had plans to go to a haunted house/Halloween theme park tonight as well. I love love love horror, but I'm guessing that could be triggering for me right now so I canceled. I feel so badly, he got tickets. But I have to coddle this organ under my skullcap right now. It's the only one I have.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

[indestructiblelittlefuckers]

Edward and his bipolar I, symptoms present:

Depression lasting at least two weeks. 

At least one episode of mania lasting at least two weeks. Mania includes: — Flying suddenly from one idea to the next (e.g. his behaviour when he first met Stede and saw his things, although that was closer to hypomania, which is similar to mania but not as intense), — Rapid, uninterruptible, and loud speech (example here, actually this is a very good example of a hypomanic episode. more "manic" example we have when he starts his "let's ask blackbeard" monologue at the crew in 2x01), —different behaviour/pattern of speech that might seem "off" to others (e.g. most of the times he talks to Frenchie, as his first mate)— Increased energy, — Inflated self-image, — Excessive spending (e.g. throwing treasure at the sea, the closer that I could think of), — Substance abuse, — racing thoughts, —distractibility , — Poor decision-making and reckless behaviour —irritability and angry outbursts

rapid/abrupt change between the two episodes, one following the other, not always in the same order. again, the episodes last days not just a day or an hour

A combination of two, including reckless behaviour and su*cadal ideation/attempt (the most dangerous symptom for Ed, as we saw in the storm)

periods without episodes

I think that the biggest manic episode, with underlying depressive symptoms was after his breakup Stede (I mean it's obvious, but I mean it in a "not ever before" kind of way), as episodes often (but not always) can be triggered by life events, such as breakups and loss of a loved one. And I think that thinking that Izzy died was the thing that made the manic episode completely escalate, going from plans to an actual execution.

that being said, I think most Ed's episodes come without triggers, but the triggers affect how intense the manic episodes would be.

fair warning, if we write together, it's very likely you will see Ed in one of his episodes at some point. if you are not comfortable with this, let me know!