#he knows hes repressed and hes okay with it

[wisterialwhymsy]

as much or as little

part 1 of a friends to lovers bang chan fic thats inspired by rosy from @rosylix!! this is largely self-indulgent, but i hope that someone out there might relate or feel comforted by this <3

bang chan x gn! reader wc: 1162 warnings: lots of mentions of past s/a related trauma, implied past s/a, hurt/comfort, in depth descriptions of trauma-related anxiety, touch adverse reader, talks of boundaries, bangchan refered to as Chris, he's such a sweetheart

"So what, you've just, never done anything since then?"  Chris asks, your best friend.

“I mean, I’ve tried. It’s just…” You groan, hesitating. 

“Hey.” He says, as he places a hand on your arm, prompting you to look up at him. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but if you want to. I am here to listen.”

Somehow, the eye contact makes you slightly more nervous and you can feel your heart beating rapidly in your throat at the feeling of his skin touching yours.

“I- it’s okay.” You clear your throat, looking down at your hands as they fiddle with the sleeve of your shirt. 

“There was one other person. That I told and gave consent to. But…” You pause, taking a deep breath.  “They sort of abused that power.” You look up, suddenly insecure as you notice Chris’s unreadable expression. “If that makes sense.” You ramble, trying to avoid eye contact as the air shifts with a new-found tension.

Chris inhales sharply. “It makes sense.” He leans forward, taking your hands in his.

“I am so sorry you went through that. And that someone took advantage of your pain like that.” You look into his eyes, and you swear you can see tears dusting his waterline.

“You don’t deserve that.” His voice breaks slightly.

You avert your eyes. “It’s fine-” “No it’s not.” Chris cuts you off and you internally flinch at the anger radiating through his tone.

“Sorry. Sorry.” He pauses as he notices your anxiety. “I am just so angry right now.”

“Seriously. It was ages ago. I’m over it now.” You lie, trying to stand, or move away, anything to get out of this conversation.

“No. You’re not.” You freeze, surprised at his sudden honesty. 

You look up at him, and you notice tears falling down his face. 

“Why are you crying?” You mumble, instinctively reaching out to wipe away his tears.

He rests his hand on yours, looking into your eyes with a sorrowful expression.

“I can tell.” He pauses, his voice thick with emotion. “That you’re not over it.”

Tears begin to pool in your eyes as you process the forlorn look on his face.

“I see it, in the way you flinch slightly whenever I touch you. The way you spiral over trying to initiate any kind of touch. The way you look away during kissing scenes in shows. I see it. I see you.” Tears begin to stream down your face and you feel yourself struggling to breathe.

He pulls you close, tucking you securely against his chest. He wraps his arms around you, his hand tracing reassuring circles on your back.

The second you rest your head on his shoulder, you start sobbing uncontrollably. The years of repressed emotions and unprocessed trauma pouring out of you and into the awaiting arms of your dutiful best friend.

You don’t know how much time has passed as your sobs turn into hiccups, Chris whispering soft nothings in your ear as he rubbed gentle circles on your back.

“Thank you. I’m sorry.” You murmur, leaning back to wipe at the dampness on your face.

“It’s okay. Don’t apologise. Do you want to talk about it?” There's a softness to his question, a genuine desire to be there for you and help you, rather than a sense of obligation.

You pause, pondering. “Yes actually.”

He hums in response and you settle back onto the couch, still leaning into him slightly.

You look down at your lap, hands fiddling with the buttons on your sleeve as you take a deep breath. 

Chris silently rests his hands on yours, something he’s always done for you whenever he notices you fiddling.

“Remember, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” He affirms as you fidget with his hand resting in your lap.

“I want to tell you. Tell… Someone. But it just feels weird. It’s uh… weird stuff.” You mumble as he hums again. “I promise I won’t judge you.” He murmurs. “No matter how weird it is.” 

You smile in response.

“I’m just… scared. Like I know that I’ve… done stuff. Before. But I don’t remember it well.” You trail off, trying to ignore the rapid beating of your heart.

“I’m so scared that I'd like start something and then start panicking and embarrassing myself.” You pause. “Like, what if I mess up? Or have a panic attack? Like I don’t even know what I'm supposed to do during that stuff, let alone know how I’ll react.” You lean forward, resting your elbows on your thighs as Chris retracts his hand.

“And everyone says that my body will take over. And that I’ll know what to do.” You pause, fresh tears blurring your vision. “But I don’t think I would. I think I’d just panic and shut down.”

“But even with platonic stuff. No matter how hard I try, or how much I crave it. It just feels so tainted.” Tears spiral down your cheeks and you feel your chest somehow growing both lighter and heavier as you open your heart to him. “I feel so broken. I feel like I need someone to fix me. Or at least teach me how to do stuff again. How to hold, how to touch… How to love, both romantically and platonically.”

“How to do all of that without it feeling… corrupt. Without me… feeling corrupt.” The air is heavy with emotion and the two of you fall into an uneasy silence as the weight of your confession settles.

“I’ll teach you.” Chris murmurs, breaking the quiet.

“Teach me which one.” You try to laugh, to ease the tension and awkwardness, but it comes out forced and catches in your throat.

“Whichever you need.” His whisper was quiet, almost silent, but his tone was sincere.

You inhale sharply, turning your head to look at him, barely noticing his tears in your shock. “What?”

“I’ll teach you.” He says, clearing his throat. “For starters, I don’t think you’re broken, or that you need fixing. But I’ll teach you.”

“All of it. As much or as little as you want.” He reiterates as you try to process his suggestion in stunned silence.

“I-” You pause, unsure as to what on earth was happening. “I don’t want you to feel pressured… or compelled to help me.” 

“I don’t. I want to help you, I’d be honoured to even. But we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” He reassures you, gently taking your hand.

“Are you sure?” You ask, searching his eyes for any hesitation and only finding sincerity.

“Yes. I promise.” He affirms.

“And I swear. I will never-” He pauses as his voice shakes, “Never abuse any trust or consent you give me. I will always do my absolute best to make you feel safe and secure.”

“Thank you.” You smile, hugging him.

“Of course.” He says, pulling you closer. “It’s what friends are for.”

This is a work of fiction, based entirely on my personal perception of him, and does not reflect his actual character or actions.

[dotthings]

It took 1000 fake Deans until brainwashed Cas could kill a fake Dean without hesitation, and when it comes to the real thing he absolutely cannot. Naomi knows Cas’s personal attachment to Dean, she had to use 1000 fake Deans after all, she knows, yet she completely underestimated how strong Cas’s love is. Kind of like how Amara really thought her thrall over Dean would be stronger than Dean’s love for Cas.

“If he’s so sketchy, why were you praying to him?” Yeah Dean, why is that? And Dean’s so WORRIED about Cas. He knows something is off, and that there are unanswered questions as to how Cas got out of Purgatory. Cas can be ruthless and impulsive but this detached, cold version isn’t right and Dean knows it. He just wants Cas to be Cas and to be okay.

“If you’re in there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this”

“This isn’t right” “I won’t hurt Dean”

“Cas, fight this, this is not you”

“What have you done to me”

The intercutting of Dean trying to reach brainwashed Cas and brainwashed Cas pushing back against Naomi’s influence is *chef’s kiss*

“I fixed you”/“I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own–by cutting it out.” Naomi and Ishim and their resentment of the love between Dean and Cas. Angels treating it like an abomination, a blasphemy, a disease, something broken in Cas, something that needs to be cured. The conversion therapy metaphor could not be louder.

“You want it? Take it. But you’re going to have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it!” I know Dean is fairly clueless about the depth of Cas’s feelings for him, but some part of him knows because he deliberately goads brainwashed Cas. He knows something’s very wrong and the way through is to force Cas to the wall, to get through to Cas to break Cas free. Because Dean does know on some level. Dean believes Cas won’t be able to kill him. Dean knows. Dean believes.

“Cas. It’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.” It’s the “it’s me” that tips me off how much Dean actually knows. It’s not just an abstract idea to Dean about Cas being good, he does, somewhere in his brain, understand it’s about himself, too. That they have a particular connection. It’s me.

reciprocates for a long time. I think for Dean to say “I love you” at this point would have been too soon, for Dean to express it in those exact words. Cas wasn’t ready either. He shows it other ways, just like Dean shows it other ways. But it’s there. It’s as good as said. And Dean didn’t have to add the “I need you”—note the progression of we/familial terms to very specific “I.” It’s a big deal Dean says Cas is family, but he already said as much in late S6 and so the actual revelatory thing here is “I need you.”

“You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.” Oooooh such suspense we just don’t know what Cas will choose!!! It is interesting Naomi uses the plural pronoun “them” when we know this is most of all about Dean.

Cas stops, he drops the angel blade first. And only then picks up the angel tablet. “What broke the connection.” Clueless idiots in love.

Dean only asks one thing. For Cas to stop.

It’s so unhinged that even after all that, when Cas reaches out to Dean to heal him, Dean still panics and doesn’t understand Cas won’t hurt him. Even after Dean’s faith that when it came down to it, Cas won’t be able to kill him, and he was proven right when Cas stopped and he dropped the angel blade. Dean contains multitudes. And it’s so unhinged that even after all that, after Cas gently put his whole palm tenderly against Dean’s cheek when he could have healed Dean with a finger to his forehead, even after the gentleness of Cas’s regrets and sincere apology and them talking out how Naomi had been controlling Cas, even after all that, Cas still thinks he has to go this alone and he has to keep the angel tablet safe by himself and he vanishes. Running from Dean again.

The most requited unrequited mutual pining love story. Cas is the repressed one who quietly painfully pines and his heart keeps breaking through, past the uncanny remote angelic surface, past the constant running away, he shows how deeply in love he is with Dean. Dean wears his heart on his sleeve and he is loud af and is in love with what he thinks is an unattainable object and who could blame him for not comprehending his love is returned. Cas is so often running away.

[kalinara]

(Scans from From the Ashes Infinity Comic #6)

So I mentioned in a previous post how much I love that, per the most recent X-Men issue (#9, if you're counting), Scott has no idea that Xavier didn't massacre that crew on the Agnew.

I know Scott's probably going to feel guilty about believing Xavier was capable of that kind of act. But personally, I hope he still gets to be angry about Xavier deciding it was perfectly fine to traumatize him by making him watch an atrocity, without bothering to trust him with the truth.

(It's not like Scott Summers isn't known for his self-control and ability to contain his emotional reactions or anything...)

But I also love how incredibly stupid Xavier's plan to clue Scott in actually was.

Sure, okay, planting obviously fake names in the crew manifest of the Agnew is a clever move. It certainly works on Sally Floyd (four times, apparently).

But here's the thing, Xavier specifically did this to target SCOTT SUMMERS. You know, someone who:

a) already has a string of horrible monster father figures as it is, and is absolutely experienced with Xavier's personal betrayals in the past. (Exhibit 1: Deadly Genesis, Exhibit 2: Astonishing X-Men.)

b) tends to react to trauma and emotional turmoil through the combined solutions of repression and avoidance. Even to catastrophic results. (Exhibit 3: the first series of X-Factor.)

Scott Summers was NEVER going to look at that list. Scott Summers probably spends most of his time pretending to not know what the Agnew is, or ever have any mention of it, image of it, or the like ever cross his mind.

And it's particularly idiotic, because as we see with Sally, he CAN APPEAR AND TALK TO PEOPLE. He could just appear and talk to Scott NOW. Or if, somehow, Scott is refusing to take his calls - the man repressed Apocalypse and the Void, I could buy that he could tune out Xavier if he wants, he could TELL JEAN. They've been in contact.

Hell, he could tell SALLY to tell SCOTT.

But see, if he told Scott face to face, Scott might have a chance to realize what I pointed out above, which is that how Xavier treated him was really fucking shitty. And he might say something about it.

Whereas, if he figured it out on his own, he'd likely have stewed in guilt for a while.

So I'm gleefully happy that Xavier is either going to have to actually EXPLAIN what he did or keep his mouth fucking shut. Fuck you, Charlie.

[mirrorcatcreditcard]

Ivan and Luka parallels and contrast

Point four~: who they are, their personalities

These two idiots won't stop invalidating themselves for shit. It's chronically unhealthy, and it shows up in two different ways: masking and repression.

Luka was bred and raised to be without his own will and goals or to believe the goals he is forced to have are his. There is not much independence when it comes to him, yet his search for autonomy/freedom lingers on everyone he encounters.

Ivan was emotionally neglected for as long as we have known him. His relationship with Unsha is described as "business partners" (or something similar). He couldn't have been that old when he was adopted, yet it was already more formalities than care.

Luka was groomed for the segyein, while Ivan was just neglected on all ends when it came to personality and emotions. Their sense of self, their "independence" looks different than what we think of when we say those words.

Their actual personalities are hidden, yet around their person of affection they are honest in odd ways that make people dismiss them. Hyuna never took Luka seriously when he showed possessiveness of her. Till brushed Ivan off as an annoying and constant presence.

Luka takes this mask further due to his training and can control his own heartbeat. Ivan, on the other hand, is deceptive and pretends to feel a favorable way.

Many people I know just don't know who Luka and Ivan are as people (away from other people) because of the constant masking and the conflicting messages their actions show. They're repressed and stuck in their heads (like most of the cast). They have a recurring theme of both thinking how they see the world is the objective truth, and that they are not an entity unto themselves.

"I've observed much, and this must be right because I know the cause and effect" Ivan to the "this results in my comfortable worth so this must be true" Luka.

What are their true selves? The fuck if anyone knows. Vivinos admits to nobody (probably) being able to understand their hearts/emotions. And that's okay. People who don't know who they are or can't be known fully are just as deserving of love and care as someone who knows what the pieces mean. Trauma can fragment or distort a person. They're still a person. When your entire life is spent in abuse, the abuse does define you a bit. It's not a bad thing if you're still stuck in your situation or just coming out. Nobody should expect a victim to be whole while being a victim.

Ivan doesn't have self-worth because of his invalidation his upbringing and experiences with socialization gave him. Luka is self destructive because all that he has ever been told that he exists for is the stage and the audience.

At the end of it all, they've been alone and not understood or listened to by others around them. Whether called weird or laughed off, their true natures are repeatedly trampled on, even by the viewers who know them as fiction.

Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

[kendrysaneela]

Okay so I wanna talk about Max’s relationship to queerness as we’ve seen on the show so far.

Starting with the gay quiz scene. Avery and Tristan show they are clearly willing to acknowledge queer culture and find a place in it even if they don’t yet identify as queer at this point in the show

Max is willing to acknowledge queer culture and respect it BUT he will only do so in the most manly of ways such as calling himself a jock and refusing Daddy that everyone else is calling him

I think this is illuminating since Avery and Tristan are both fully willing to continue with their throuple arrangement whereas Max was covering his face and refusing to even acknowledge it as a possibility.

I feel like this really plays into their throuple dynamics and how Avery and Tristan are fully into being a throuple (Avery is the most enthusiastic but Tristan also had no problem with being in a throuple before he was rejected by Max and shown by Avery that she was only really interested if it was the three of them)

And the thing about Max and queerness is he is seemingly no stranger to it he just represses it or hides it or rejects it every time it comes up somehow.

Then there’s the fact that he’s had a threesome before but refuses to talk about it.

We don’t know the genders of the people in that threesome but still. It’s interesting how Max had a threesome in the past and basically coaxes Tristan and Avery into asking about it.

Also Max is the one who brought Tristan and Avery back to his room AND Max just like Tristan and Avery put have a good threesome on his bucket list.

Not to mention him joining the threesome with very little convincing just one stare from Tristan, one stare from Avery and bro was on board. But then YET AGAIN he makes a pact for them to never speak of it again. I bet you the pact was Max’s idea.

His CLEAR crush on Ken whether he was aware of it or not. His flirty attitude towards Tristan in the pilot (probably not conscious but it was there)

He does these little forays into queerness and then immediately rears back. And we know as a person just from his general character he’s very repressed and we know that the whole reason he even came onto The Odyssey is for work life balance and for joy and new experiences like seeing the world. Adventure essentially is what he’s looking for. Life as he said. But yet he has to be pulled into adventure kicking and screaming every time. Avery and Tristan telling him the beach party was okay and having to convince him to go in the first place, Rosie and Corey trying to convince him to go to a party in episode 8. Once again the fact that even though he was CLEARLY on board with the threesome he still had to be coaxed into admitting it.

Cause here’s the thing about Max. He wants to broaden his horizons SO bad!!! But that takes work and effort and bravery and most importantly, NOT INTELLECTUALIZING YOUR EMOTIONS. (And as we saw from his reaction to Avery’s pregnancy he sees emotions as problems he needs to solve instead of things he needs to feel or examine) But Max is terrified of doing that. He wants to broaden his horizons but he’s terrified to do so. So he just does these little jumps in and out of his horizons where he’ll jump out for a second and then jump right back in. That’s why he did the threesome had fun with it and then essentially shoves himself right back into his little box and says that he doesn’t wanna do it again even though he literally acknowledges it was wonderful.

The reason Max is repressed is because he’s terrified of what he’ll find if he actually looks inward. But oh my goodness does he want to find out what’s inside of him so bad that’s why he does stuff like have a threesome with Avery and Tristan but break it off even though he enjoyed it. Actually does go to the parties and have fun at them and a bunch of the other random stuff he does. But every time he breaks out of his bubble just a little bit he panics and shoves himself back in again. He’s just not currently willing to do the work to learn what’s inside of him cause he’s afraid of what he’ll find. BUT HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE’LL FIND SO BAD!!!

[ww2yaoi]

always thinking about how sid grew up so much faster than eugene by choice and by force. sid being so eager at seventeen years old to fight and die for his country that he asks for his parents' permission to enlist and they give it to him 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 sid wishing eugene was coming with him but also not waiting for his situation to change so they can enlist together. sid telling eugene not to join up and saying it was a stupid idea in the script 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 sid having known eugene when he was sick as a kid and likely being protective of him cuz of that. sid being a year younger than eugene but losing his innocence sooner. sid having to reassure eugene's parents that he's going to be okay knowing that if eugene does die he'll have to bear the guilt of eugene joining the marines in the first place and also offering the sledges false comforts. sid probably having to detach from eugene and repress everything and force himself to move on to even handle that burden 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk whatever

[heartbreak-sandwich]

Listen to me when I say I feel so incredibly blessed to have found this post because it's so hard to find people to scream about astrology with who are genuinely good at it, and OP IS GENUINELY GOOD AT IT, THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE SO FAR!!!

I just wanted to add a couple of little things I like to consider going through the placements, and you can take them or leave them - these are just my interpretations expanding upon what's already there. I'm gonna jump around a little out of order just as I notice things, so pls bear with me.

I do wish we could see the full list of aspects because we could go on for days and I'm way too impatient to decipher them all just with the chart, but it's okay, there's still a lot of great information here.

So the 10H Aries Sun is so fitting to me. Along with everything said before, the 10H being Capricorn's house brings that serious cardinal energy, emphasizing the necessity to be in leadership, but more specifically to be in control. Dude loses his mind when control slips away from him, just like we see when he's in the presence of Neil, during the sauna scene, and when Max lies to him or goes against his instructions. 10H also corresponds with being work/career driven, so no matter what he does, he's going to stand out and be the best at it - Aries only enhances that fact with his competitiveness and earning attention/standing out through efforts to be the best or stay on top. We also see this in school as soon as he arrives (just like OP said) when he has to surpass Steve in everything they do while making a spectacle of it.

I also see that he has a 10H/4H interception. It's juuuust barely noticeable, but it's there. Now, part of my understanding of the houses is that they are categorically broken up to allow signs to govern those areas of life in the way of the hard-line choices we make that shape our lives in those specific categories. So, when we have an interception where one house swallows up a sign and spans at least partially over two more signs, that can make clear decisions or expression of energy in a certain category difficult because it's being pushed and influenced by more than one sign. That being said, seeing that 10H/4H interception makes so much sense to me. He's got that need for control and recognition in his 10H Aries Sun, but he has a hard time knowing where it's appropriate to channel and direct that energy, resulting in friction in relationships, egomania, and a hot temper because the more things you try to control and dominate in your life, inevitably the more things will end up slipping out of your grasp, which means catastrophic stress and emotional dysregulation.

Mars at 0 degrees? Oh, boy. A planet at 0 degrees makes the expression of that energy more vibrant and observable, but it also means that the energy isn't well contained or directed. He's explosive, he's sexually expressive, and he'll fucking fight you. On top of that, natal Mars in retrograde can also tell us where someone is repressing some expression of the sign it falls under, turning that energy inward, often in a self destructive way, and it's often a result of some sort of abuse endured in early life. Retrograde Mars at 0 degrees in the 5H means he needs a hug imo. And I know his Mars is technically in Scorpio, but something to keep in mind - that 0 degrees, 24 minutes placement is so close to a cusp that we'll probably see this placement bleeding into some of the Libra expression in his chart. I'm not really a cusp advocate, but in these 0 degree instances, especially with the interception, I'm gonna go ahead and interpret it like that. Anyway - 5H is Leo's house (he's dramatic, theatrical, loves being the center of attention), it being under Scorpio (depth, intensity, introspection, magnetism), the retrograde (he drinks often, smokes constantly, he parties, he fights - all signs of repressed emotions or skewed self expression in the realm of being able to connect deeply with himself or process his trauma) all sum up the expression of this mess perfectly. The Libra influence that pushes in because of that interception/cusp placement tells us that interpersonal, one-on-one relationships and connection are going to be a challenge for him.

Also - just something I've noticed, and other astrologers seem to agree with, is that inner planet 5H or Leo placements tend to give someone an attachment to or obsession with their hair. They always want to draw attention to their hairstyle. This is obviously a thing for him. He is peacocking, and I'm not complaining.

I feel like I'm being super long winded, and I'm so sorry, so I'm just going to rapid fire the last few things, and I hope it makes sense.

He has a couple of heavy placements at critical degrees (Mars at 0, Moon at 29) and that basically gives him poor impulse control in those areas and creates a sense of urgency working through anything. Dude does not have time or patience for emotions...or anything else, really.

Moon in Scorpio in the 5H. My mother has a Scorpio Moon. Tbh they terrify me because they are so good at reading people. It doesn't necessarily give them great abilities to manage or decipher their own emotions, but it gives the ability to understand and observe emotions in general and work with them to their advantage, almost like speaking/understanding a hidden language. This is clear in the way that he can manipulate others using their own feelings against them when he wants to, whether that's for good or for bad.

This ties into that Pisces Mercury (high fives OP in merc dominant solidarity) Mercury in Pisces in the 9H (Sag house, luck, expansion, spiritual connection, etc.). Pisces Mercs tend to get a bad rap for being dreamy, head in the clouds, not making much sense, but the truth is, especially with the focus of a fire sign house, they are mostly just mentally active, imaginative heads full of scenarios. They are playing out conversations in their minds (dreamy/zoned out) all of the time and trying to find the best flow (water merc). They can talk anyone in or out of anything, because Pisces is also an expert at emotional connection, just in different areas like dreams, desires, and ideas. So of course he can smooth talk anyone into anything.

That 1H Jupiter? He's lucky. Opportunities just kinda show up for him. He has the ability to expand his horizons and attract what he wants just by simply existing.

Cancer AC? He's Moon-ruled, baby. Everything you see him do, every choice, every action, is a result of his emotional processing, or lack thereof, a result of his want to influence someone else's emotions, or a result of him internalizing emotions. It's all about the feelings.

Taurus Venus? Delicious placement. Sensual. Luxurious, even. Venus ruled by Venus = expert physical connection. In the 11H? The aloofness/big picture thinking of that Aquarius house makes him super stubborn and picky with long-term partners. He'll hit and quit without a second thought until he finds exactly what he's looking for, and that person is in for a true, tender, methodical thrill curated to their every desire by means of analytical and sensual connection.

Last one - Neptune in retrograde in 5H in Scorpio - fucking ouch, dude. I like to use Neptune as a point to predict levels of avoidance or self medication. Neptune tells us about someone's inspiration, subconscious, dreams, and my personal favorite - illusion. This retrograde kind of fucks him up. In a concrete life, illusion is often held up by the individual in terms of things like obsession in order to avoid emotional processing. Think workaholics, addiction, limerence. And Scorpio just gives more of a depth and intensity to all of this. We see him smoking constantly and drinking a LOT, and he's only 18. That's going nowhere good.

I like to look at Ceres, Pallas, Juno, and Vesta just out of curiosity for natal charts, so I might plug those in and see what's up. 👀

Anyway, if you read all of my rambling, I love you so much. And thank you so so much OP for drawing this up and giving an analytical, deep, and thoughtful interpretation, you are amazing!!!!!

Billy Hargrove astrology chart analysis

Though I could be wrong about the time, the aspects are pretty much the closest I’m gonna get (Unless somehow Dacre or the Duffers have released the information of Billy’s birth time and I just don’t know. I punched in 'March 29, 1967 11:06 AM San Diego USA' my fellow astrology baddies do what you will with this information Either way the main planets SHOULD stay the same but his houses might be different BUT we’re proceeding with what we have!).

Now, mind you I haven't done this in a while, I'm SUPERRR outta practice so to my fellow astrology baddies if I miss anything I'm so sorry 😭.

Alr lets get into it, same as the readings I did for Dallas and Darry I'm gonna go by planet and house and basically explain what it all means.

Sun in Aries (in 10th house) - okay so this is so interesting because even prior to me calculating his chart, I always knew Billy was some sort of fire sign, I mean, LOOK AT HIM??? Like HE'S a fiery little cracker (hahaha cracker... I'm sorry im jk I love u B).

But anyways the sun in 10th house is really interesting, I found a post on here that really explained in depth that aspect and how it affects the natal person (Post here) Basically, people with this placement crave recognition, they stand out with confidence and charisma that often draws attention towards them without fail (we see this the second he arrives at Hawkins, he draws attention towards himself immediately). They naturally gravitate toward leadership roles, even if they didn't ask for it (everyone gravitated towards him and put him on the pedestal of being the "King" and dethroning Steve from the social hierarchy). Their drive for validation stems from fragile self-esteem, leading to feelings of underappreciation despite their efforts. Failures can be deeply personal, like they take failure personally and it affects them greatly, but their ambition and resilience pushes them to rise again, embracing challenges as part of the path to success (started working full time the second he graduated so he could work towards leaving his abusive father).

But back to his sun though, Aries is so interesting because that's so accurate???? Like he's intense, he's passionate. He's very straight forward and will say what he has to say with his chest. People tend to follow him around where he goes, Aries are leaders. They can be spontaneous and impulsive. Stubborn but also a bit reckless. These people are your typical "act before think" people, but like who doesn't love a little chaos 🤪. They're ruled under Mars so this sign is all about action and getting shit done. They'll talk their shit and rock your shit, so messing with them isn't really a good idea. But if an Aries likes you they can be a lot of fun. They're very energetic and active people. You'll be anything but bored with them.

now onto his cutesy little moon

scorpio moons are have my heart because they're so sensitive and emotional, that often it's overwhelming even for them let alone an outside person.

People with Scorpio moons often have traumatic childhoods especially his being in 5th house, so probably exposed to big dramatic fights, or the conflict or circumstances were very grand and outrageous (bro kinda witnessed his mom get beaten by Neil and in turn gets beat himself now that he's older). At the same time these are very strong and enduring individuals. Because they tend to always think about the worst possible scenario, have a very cynical and distrusting view on the world. But at the same time, let's not forget, they are water signs, so that sensitivity will always be there, deep down this sign is scared of being alone. There will always be a part of them that will crave intimacy, like true, deep, raw (lol) intimacy. However because of this deep desire, these people can also often be a little.... delulu per say. Like obviously once you've lost a scorpio moons respect they will immediately cut you out like literally, they will treat you like your dead. But Scorpio being the sister sign of Taurus and being a fixed sign, it would take a lot for a scorpio moon to leave like they will put up with A LOT, which is why they often can get taken advantage of in relationships (:/// ). So yea scorpio moons need to be protected and wrapped up in a blanket with some hot coco and be kissed on the forehead.

Moving onto his Mercury (smiles in mercurian dominant myself)

I find this so interesting because on one hand pisces mercurials can be really wise and intelligent (being the last and oldest of the zodiac), these people can have an "old soul" type of mentality so I can totally see them being into topics like philosophy, spirituality, creative arts, anything to really boost their imagination. his 9th house boosts this even more since 9th falls under sagittarius which is all about philosophy and teaching. Because of this, often people with this placement are really good writers. (so I totally agree with the head cannon of Billy secretly writing poetry, and being good at playing games like dnd).

This placement often gets mislabeled as "dumb" or "ditsy" but they're not stupid they just process information slower than most people.

These people are also really good liars. Like they're some manipulative lil bitches (we saw how he lied to mrs. wheeler that he was worried about Max when he was actually raging mad.) They'll lie about almost anything. Sometimes they do it to keep peace around people and avoid conflict and to get people to leave them alone. But yea this placement certainly has a silver tongue innit, helps them get away with stuff but it also means they're really good at rizzing people with their words; speaking of...

our boy over here has a Taurus Venus. like first of all, this comes with so many pluses because Venus is right where it belongs. Taurus is ruled by Venus so this planet is right in its home sign. So my boy is a romantic lil bachelor 😜. Now his mars kind of makes him a fuckboy (most scorpio and sagittarius mars' are but the difference is is that sags often can't tell the difference between love and lust so they just pursue the person anyway whereas scorpio mars' are just horny fucks with strong game) BUT once he finds someone he wants to be in a relationship with, ouuuu girl he's such a gem.

Taurus Venus's value things like stability, security and comfort. He will very much pamper you. He'd give you the best he humanly possibly could. Taurus's are all about luxury and savouring the physical pleasures of life. He WILL be super affectionate, gifting you things, always touching you right, buying you or cooking you your favourite foods. Taurus's like routine so he will memorize your schedules and routines, coffee orders and all those small things. Although Billy would typically be impatient, he'd take his time pursuing you. Especially with his Scorpio Mars, he'd come in strong and steady .I don't wanna say like a predator stalking his prey cause that's more Scorpio Venus but bro definitely wouldn't back down easy. He won't mind playing the long game if he thinks you're worth it. The main thing here with this placement is their ACTIONS say a lot about their feelings towards their s/o. His Pisces Mercury will soothe you with sweet words, but his Taurus Venus will show you with his generosity and sensualness. He definitely knows how to make his girl happy and will stay loyal for a long time if he's certain about her.

Billy has so many aspects that indicate strong sex appeal and attractiveness, like it's written all over his chart lmfaoo his Venus trines his Pluto, His Venus also sextiles his ascendant.

His eros also trines his mars so he has a very passionate and intense drive, especially in the bedroom. No matter what you are to him, sex with him will always be intense. There's nothing soft about the way he engages in intimacy.

Billy has a cancer rising, for those of you that don't know your rising is in charge of your looks and people's first impressions of you. So cancer risings often have rounder faces, softer features and big eyes (I mean look at him bro, he's so baby girl). They also have curvier bodies (have you seen this man's thighs) shorter limbs too. Cancer rules over the chest so cancer risings can have large chests or big boobs ( he certainly has boobs). Also cancer risings are very pursued after, almost as much as scorpio risings but the difference is that Scorpios are very intimidating so often people don't wanna get past the sexualness of it. But with cancers, people simp over them emotionally too because cancer is considered as the "divine feminine" or "mother" in astrology, so basically people wanna wife them up as well as fuck them (literally his entire fandom). But yeah, anyway, Billy is a pretty boy we all know this, even his chart does 😭.

Alright now more about his mars-

Its in the 4th house, which is also another indication of his abusive childhood :/

His is in Scorpio and yes he's a kinky little shit and a great lover in the bedroom, however that's not all that Mars represents in a natal chart. It also represents how a person takes action to something. How they pursue and how they behave and manage their more aggressive and angry side. On one hand, Billy has the potential to be very good at achieving what he wants in life. He's capable of having a really strong mental fortress as scorpio is a very driven and determined sign. Tactical and calculated but also very loyal people. However at the same time, it makes them lowkey control freaks. They're the type of people to always want the last word in an argument and to have control over everything and everyone in almost every situation (though it does make them strategic leaders at the same time, it's kind of annoying). But yeah these people stand on business they will fuck your shit up if necessary because this planet is also in it's home sign, but Scorpio is also ruled by Pluto so it's the darker one of the mars ruled signs. So their anger can be very explosive and dangerous (we saw how he beat Steve to a bloody pulp), so don't piss them off, it takes a lot for them to loose their cool but once they've lost it, it's gone and not coming back.

Last thing I'll talk about is potential career placements he has because we never got to see him thrive and flourish in life because the duffers hate to give us nice things so I'll just tell you what it could've been with his chart

10 house/ MC in Pisces

So this is so cute because this means that he could actually be successful with a writing career, as this placement flourishes in creative careers. So these people are often musicians, actors, writers. They can also be philosophers, and teachers/mentors of some kind (he taught the kids at the Hawkins community pool how to swim). He'd be such an influencer 😝 I can totally see him being a model for Calvin Klein because he's literally built like a model (this is so possible with his 11th house in Taurus) As well as Leo in his second house, he'd live a very lavish lifestyle if financially stable and would really thrive in a position where he shines in his own spotlight.

Anywayssss that's everything for now, if there's anything else in his chart you guys want me to talk about don't be afraid to inbox me.

I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing this <3

[mostlikelyshutup]

newsflash assholes, everyone in the butcher shop is repressed!

[soultiio]

how funny it is that you are the first to crack

[exilepurify]

it’s been four months since December 2022 and I’m still not over the fact that Reigen was apparently so haunted by guilt from that one time in S2E2 where he scolded Mob for eating too many french fries that it showed up in the super emotionally charged eyecatcher montage during the series finale.

I wonder if reigen will ever find the closure he needs to free himself from the poltergeist of regret that obviously follows him around as a result of this incident. the confession incident really had reigen re-evaluating everything from the past three years.

[paingoes]

hiiiiii. okay :)

yeah i mean. thats the thing, right? what can paris do to make things better? delta is dead from his perspective. justice and atonement wont fall from the sky! theyre impossible to access. the only way he can really see to try and atone for it now is by punishing himself. but more on that in the future :D

you keep calling him adorably pitiful i think that is so cute.... he is !!! his poor sad wet kitten energy. i love him so much </3 youre right to be kinda angry about his missing delta. but again more on that later.

and yes :D !!!! johanna did attend beldam and did get buried alive by them. in like the exact same place that paris started freaking out while on his acid trip. in all fairness, they truly did not mean to bury her alive. they thought they killed her. but her regeneration ability is so intensely powerful that she came back anyway and awoke buried underground. she ended up digging her way out since she couldn't die beneath there, then ended up escaping into the woods. the whole thing was deeply traumatic for her in addition to the psychic injuries she already incurred at beldam.

she's mad that paris triggered the nightmare for her by asking about where she went to school. paris honestly though it was a long shot and was willing to accept that she'd gone to a normal school, but can figure out from what she was muttering in her sleep that she did in fact attend beldam. he knows martino was a doctor there and that she would likely know of him if she didnt know him personally. he was correct. her feelings towards martino are not very positive and she really wanted paris to shut the fuck up about it.

"are you mad at me" is such an insane thing to ask someone whos holding you captive LMFAO. guys hes sensitive.....

and johanna is actually telling the truth about not being able to remember anyones name/callsign. it's also worth mentioning that johanna is seven years older than delta and paris! so at the time she was "killed" and escaped, delta would have only been around five years old. however i do think they interacted! she was allowed to look after some of the younger kids when she was 10 or 11, so she may have been babysitting him at some point. paris might have had more luck if he'd asked if she remembered "the blue one". for what its worth, delta would not remember johanna at all, just because of how young he was and how many of his childhood memories he has repressed. johanna's memories are also kind of fucky. poor kids :(

paris did probe delta with questions about the institute before! delta just doesnt like to talk about it and paris feels guilty whenever he learns too much so those conversations never go anywhere. as you can see, johanna doesn't want to talk about it either...

aw yeah paris is going through it. i think this is the first time he like willingly submits to being hurt because the guilt has truly been eating him alive for a very long time and he doesnt have the addiction to numb it anymore. the only way he really thinks he can endure it is by replacing it w self harm / self punishment. he does need help! hes needed help for a very long time and he has never been given it.

and yeah thats one reason!!! i think shes very pissed off at the fact that paris keeps probing at her own trauma for whats essentially his own guilt/gratification, which ends in her trying to take out all that pent-up anger on him. she's additionally mad that he's crying now and that he "cant handle it" the way she could. but hes really not crying from pain here. its 100% from guilt and shame.

Yeah, Paris, don't you remember how Delta acted 🙄. Just kidding. Actually felt a bit bad for Paris. Fuck him for making me want to give him a hug.

oough every part of that paragraph made me sad :(

and yeah!!! theyre both totally using each other to work through their own issues without having real concern or empathy for each other or themselves!! the pretty obvious subtext here is that both of them were physically abused as children and have unhealed trauma from that - and now they are both triggering and re-traumatizing each other.

hugs for paris ??? hes earned them??? right now he would think you were trying to attack him, but he totally needs them. hes had it rough.

thank you so much for the commentary again :D !!! i always look forward to it. additional final shoutout to shavit for the johanna lore ^_^ we love mentally ill psychic children....

Crash Out - Joey

(Content: past abuse, whumper turned whumpee, beating, implied child abuse, claustrophobia mention, addiction mention, retraumatization, crying, guilt, self harm?, blood, brief weight talk)

Still shaking, still sick, Paris stared up blankly at the ceiling again, for want of anything better to do. The manacles chafed at his bare wrists, leaving a thick band of raw skin beneath. He’d gotten used to it.

“Did you go to a school when you were little?” He asked Johanna without looking at her.

Without looking back from the control panel, she answered: “I’m not that fucking stupid, am I?”

He shook his head — and the movement of the collar caused the chain to click against the tile.

“No. I mean, like, a special one. For psychics.” He explained vaguely. 

“I went to St.Holly’s Prep.” She answered curtly.

“Oh.” He deflated. 

He had hoped for something that might give his life a perfect symmetry. He wanted any sense of justice to fall back on, though he knew well enough not to truly expect it. His hand traced the collar again, taking slow and steady breaths. He breathed easier when he was flat on his back. Any sudden motion made him feel like he might faint, so he didn’t move at all. The lock picks were burning a hole in his pocket.

She’d missed them, somehow. She hadn’t been very deliberate in the pat down — and at this point, he was all angles. His own hipbone had been as hard and as pointed as the metal. 

He did not dare reach for them here in the dead of space. He’d be no better off once he was out of the chains. Paris knew, with total certainty, that he would not beat her in a fight. He didn’t even think he could do it healthy anymore, some new flinch mechanism that made him so tired of hitting and of being hit. He certainly could not do it in the thralls of withdrawal, not with the cracked rib and the hole through his hand. No opportunity presented itself. He was scared to.

The stygian depths appear every time he closed his eyes, dark blue, teeming. He was scared. Some ancient dread was settling onto him, sharp-toothed and feral. He missed Delta. 

It embarrassed him just how badly he missed Delta.

But when he dreamed, mercifully, it was of Lorelai. It was a frozen morning and the last night’s rain had crystallized against the pale bluegrass. Her hair was undone, hanging in limp curls against the fabric of her sweater. It was the last morning before the break. He’d given her clovers and coffee and jasmine perfume. He’d have given her anything, but he knew the wealth humiliated her. It was an affront for either of them to even wear the uniform.

All the same, her fingers had been lined with white gems that morning. They were impossible not to notice as he’d brought her hand up to his lips. He’d have done anything for her then. The memories bled out into the edges of his dreams.

His heart was all the way empty when he awoke. Lorelai was safer without him than she’d ever be with. It was cold comfort. He’d left her alone and limp in the dirt.

There was no day or night to follow, but the ship’s lights had dimmed. Paris thought it was another hallucination, another dream he couldn’t shake — but the soft sound of crying permeated and echoed throughout the ship. His eyes adjusted slowly to the darkness. 

She was whimpering in her sleep.

~

Johanna dreamed of something cold and breathing beneath the soft wet earth. She had the nightmare often. Big walls and little hands. A playful pulsing in each of them, turned violent and mean over time. She smiled because she could, because they always liked her. She smiled too wide and laughed too hard, some screw knocked loose, faulty wiring from having been hit in the head one too many times. A nervous laugh. Wide, pleading eyes.

She dreamt of a small box. She dreamed of a pulsing that grew into a frantic pounding — and a loving flesh that always come backs. It came back her no matter how many times they tried to kill her.

Johanna dreamt of a hole dug deep into the earth. She’s had the same nightmare since she was twelve — and though it gets better, it never really goes away. She woke up with her eyes still blotted with tears and for a minute she had forgotten where she was. 

From across the room, the captive prince stared at her unblinking, and she knew he had heard everything.

~

Several hours later, when they were both wide awake, Paris tried again.

“Did you know Martino?” he asked.

Immediately, he knew it was a mistake. He had about three seconds to flinch before she’d crossed the interior to him and hit him as hard as she possibly could. The intention had clearly been to knock him unconscious, but he’d recoiled fast enough that she mostly struck the side of his jaw. He gasped, sure for a second it’d been broken. There was no time to recover in between the blows. He only shielded his skull as Johanna slammed the cleat into his side, over and over again, breathing heavy. She tore his arms away, gripping the collar’s chain just to slam his head back into the wall, pinning him there.

But Johanna looked so lost. All her anger was thick with confusion. Her eyes searched him, up and down, as if something in his body might tell her.

“How-“ she asked desperately. “Who-“

Paris shivered, retreating, hiding his head again. It hurt. His ribs were so tender he could’ve cried. She released the chain around his neck, staggering a few steps back.

“Don’t say his name again,” she warned.

Paris nodded.

~

“Are you mad at me?” Paris asked. He was stupid and chastened, both knees drawn up to his chest.

Johanna sighed, sitting up against the starboard wall of the ship. She tossed a tennis ball idly, only occasionally glancing at the autopilot to see they were still on course. She did not dignify him with a response. 

“Did you know him? Delta. One Zero Seven.” Paris asked quietly.

It felt like it’d been ages since he’d said his name aloud. The sound of it hovered in the air, seemed to echo in a way the other words had not. He still remembered the numerals that followed, though by the time he first learned them, they’d lost all their usefulness. But to her, those numbers must have meant something. It’d be the only way to distinguish them.

“As if I’d remember any of them.” Johanna rolled her eyes.

Paris quieted, tucking his face back down into his arms. He only peeked up at her as she stood up, moving to check up on the air filter. 

“Do you hate me?” he asked.

He was surprised when she didn’t laugh. She only sighed again, eyes flitted up to the ceiling as if she was considering it.

“I didn’t before. I think I’m starting to.” She decided.

“Is that why?” He looped one finger in the collar, tugging it.

“Nope.”

In return, she tapped one finger to his nose, booping it gently. He still flinched.

“That’s just business.”

~

It ate at him. He turned restlessly within the chains. There was nothing to do and only her for company. She was taking him to be killed, to hurt the whole time he died, to be mutilated and changed. All his future seemed an endless void. All he could focus on was the past.

“What was it like?” he asked. There will be no other opportunities to ask, no other ways to know. He wondered if anyone else who went to that school was even alive anymore. Delta wasn’t. Was Johanna alive, really? 

He looked at her and he could not tell. 

She stood up from the console, visibly irritated at the fact he was still taking. Or maybe she just didn’t like his choice in conversation topic. Either way, he’d pissed her off.

“You want to know what it was like?” She asked incredulously.

He sat up and nodded his head. For a second, she just looked tired. She undid the belt from around her waist.

“Hands out. Now.”

It wasn’t anything he hadn’t done before. He’d gotten his knuckles rapped millions of times, had the cane brought down against each part of his body. None of it ever helped. By the time he graduated, he knew it was more about anger than it ever was about correction. This was no different.

Except that all the previous times, he did not have a knife wound piercing straight through the flesh of his hand. A white bandage had been bound tight around it ever since he’d been rescued. It still held. She’d seen it, of course. She had to have known. She didn’t care. 

They must not have either.

Paris offered both hands without resistance, surprising himself. Would she have forced him to if he hadn’t? For some reason, he didn’t think so. If he wasn’t playing along, he thought, she might just give up.

He held both palms facing upward. It was what he was used to, what he assumed she wanted, and he was willing to turn them if it wasn’t.

The belt was folded over. He kept still.

It was worse than he thought it’d be. He gasped in shock and pain at the sting. He’d been comparing it to the wrong injuries, expecting the wrong kind of pain. The belt hurt his right hand about as badly as when it’d first been punctured, about as bad as an arrow through his fucking ribcage. His eyes watered immediately.

He still tried to be steady as the belt came down against his hands again. Again. Again. He resisted the automatic curling of his fingers in an effort to protect himself. It was really nothing. He’d had so much worse. He didn’t know why he was crying so badly. 

The belt swung again. He only pulled his hand back just to quickly wipe at his eyes. She got mad.

“Paris,” she hissed, exasperated, and he couldn’t remember her ever using his name before this. “I can make this a lot worse for you and you know it.”

“Sorry,” he muttered as he offered the hand back.

Again. Again. He lost track, letting his vision blur just the same as the count. All the nerves in his hand were beaten almost numb, stinging. He couldn’t keep the tremor out of them. 

Johanna grumbled in frustration, pulling the belt back to her side. She was fumbling with the end of it.

“…Are we done?” he asked weakly. 

The belt buckle hit him square in the face, drawing a pained gasp from him. He reeled to the side, barely catching himself. Blood dripped readily from the gash in his cheek. In shock, he moved two finger up to touch it. Wet. Warm. 

“You don’t fucking ask when it’s over.” She barked.

He kept his eyes trained on the ground, half-curled away from her. The impact had whipped his head to the side and he did not correct it. 

He heard her readjusting the belt. For a second, he really did think she was finished. He let himself be fooled twice.

The buckle struck him again in the shoulder. It produced much less of a reaction than the strike to the face did, but he still cried. It was worse when he couldn’t see it, but he knew better than to try and turn around. He twitched at each new impact.

“You don’t understand!” She yelled. It was infantile. And it was wrong. He did.

Then again, he doubted she was even talking to him.

The metal snapped at the bare skin of his arm, once again at his back. He shifted one shoulder up to shield his still-bleeding face and endured the hit for it. It was only then she seemed to tire. It didn’t matter. He was sobbing. Though he tried to do it quietly, there was so little he could focus on besides his own misery. The effort was futile. He hardly noticed whether she was there or not, whether the beating had even stopped.

He tucked himself further into the far wall, unable to stop crying or to even be silent about it. She did not speak to him again for the rest of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~

thank you to @floral-comet-whump for getting me to canonize Johanna being from Beldam!!! that was always supposed to be the implication w her character but i wasnt sure about making it explicit until they had the idea of her being an experiment that beldam tried to kill and ended up BURYING ALIVE. that was too tasty to leave as subtext >:)

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety @whump-queen

[presumeddeaddie]

we really had evan ‘buck’ iconic-line-of “well, uh, wish i could help” buckley. newly realized bisexual buck talking to his sexy male best friend about his sexy male best friend’s sex life and about how pent up said sexy friend feels, while this same sexy bff aggressively uses a bench as a prop to… “squat” quickly, up and down, and buck’s only response to all of this is “well, uh, wish i could help”??????? i—

[lucabyte]

transfem loop + siffrin... you agree

i does agree.... i does in fact ... write a 7k word essay on the subject..... if you would like to perhaps click that link and read it if you were not already aware...... kisses u on the forehead......... sorry its that long but i had to cover all of my bases you know how it is with textual analysis when you're trying to draw a distinction between "headcanon" and "reading of the text" because those are different things.... to meeeeeeee.......

[crimeronan]

Luz borrowing Hunter's scroll to call Amity after she sleep spells him because even though Hunter's breathing and she can feel him breathing, "Sleep followed by petrification" was Belos' "Humane" way of putting down Hunter and she's A Little Bit Crazy and Traumatized so she's like "I need someone here who can Fight Me to the death if it seems like I'm going snap and try to petrify him. Amity can you come to my room and spend the night please I need you to protect Hunter from me :(((("

i've had a couple friends with OCD talk about how strongly they see themselves in AU luz & nowhere has the evidence Ever been stronger than in this ask.

luz. baby.

you have OCD.

[anna-scribbles]

h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work

unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion

[h4zardousch3micals]

Au idea that just hit me - vampire Heart, werewolf Mind, ghost Soul, paranormal investigator Whole