#he just sucked ass and was a terrible being. and also fuck christianity
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haemosexuality · 1 year ago
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most of the schools i went to were catholic to its rlly surprising that i never had any type of religion class. it didnt actually affect anything other than us being made to stand in line and pray before class (and also sing the national anthem) but like you could just, Not do that and be chill
#i did go to catechism classes as a kid but that only lasted for a few months#i was 9 i think or 10#kinda diff subject but i have a lot of memories of being 10-11 and figuring out religion#a lot of my memories for that time period are Gone I Am Memory Issues Man but not those for some reason#babies first independent thought <3#i remember first doubting what i knew about god when i was like 7? but i shelved that until 5th/6th grade#as ive repeatedly brought up in this blog my sister died when i was in 5th grade which caused my parents to double down on the catholicism#at the same time i had found Atheist Progressive Facebook Pages and doubting everything#they made a routine of every day before bed reading me a passage from the bible and i had to sit there like yas queen so true#but me and this friend from school were heaving deep philosophical talks about religion dailyyyyyyyy#she reached the conclusion of god not being real a bit before me and i remember mentioning to my parents how i dont think thatd mean she#was gonna go to hell in one of the Nightly Bible Sessions#before i reached that conclusion i actually adopted the line of thinking thay god Was real#he just sucked ass and was a terrible being. and also fuck christianity#tho a few months later i went full atheist#one time me and that friend were on a fucking amusement park ride discusding religion. thats still funny to me#also a while later my mom started dipping her toe in other religions mostly as she tried to figure out how to deal w my sister dying#she got into spiritism and took me to like a. idk. lecture???? sermon??? i did not care so i daydreamed lesbian ever after highxmonster high#fanfiction during it. 👍#my dad also gave me a very long talk about how my mom was being tempted by the devil at that time which like. ok#also at age 11 the last time i went to church happened. it was on the 1 year anniversary of my grandpa dying (which also happened in 5th#grade) and his name was gonna be mentioned. i was already atheist then and i felt Very out of place. also intried convincing my younger#cousin the tooth fairy was real doing it#oh and i can never forget how i posted on facebook telling my extended family that i was an atheist and then my aunt held a prayer session#at her house while me n the other kids were playing and Loudly talked about how parents who let their children be atheists are doing the#devils work or whatever. or the family friend that told my mom the reason my sister died was bc my mom didnt go to church regularly#my mom didn't go to church regularly bc my sister was dying and she was busy trying to prevent that. lmao.#my sister dying actually had nothing to do w me questioning religion but literally everyone seemed to think so at the time. theyd be like#i know you might be angry at god because of your sister.... and i was like? no bitch theres just no scientific proof that guy exists what#oh there are so many typos and mistakes in these tags im not editing that. good luck
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illogicalghost · 2 months ago
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big long political rant incoming
anyone else just feel no hope for this country. not to be a doomer but how the fuck does half of population support trump, easily the biggest not only dumbass to ever be president, but also known and convicted con artist and liar and all around scum bag. hell, how are half the people republicans? the party of being scared of your own shadow and constantly wanting to drag the country back to the dark fucking ages and basically make america a christian dictatorship? how do 100s of millions of people just... not care about other human beings? its absolutely mind fucking insane to me and the more i think about the more depressed i get. how the fuck are decent people supposed to make any progress in this stupid country if half of it just stomps their feet and screams and whines whenever they don't get what they want? i just watched a short interview with trump supporters, and they said "he seems like an honest guy who keeps his promises" HOW??? WHERE??? how in the FUCK can you believe that?? do they just plug their ears anytime anyone points out the thousands of terrible things he did to this country? do they just truly not give a single shit about people other than themselves?? on what fucking planet are these people living on? have they looked around at all, or are their heads just so far up their own asses that they'll never see it? and don't even get me started on fucking "undecided" voters. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UNDECIDED ON? "hmmm one party seems to be taking away the rights of everyone who isnt a rich cishet christian male and the other party isn't. i wonder which party i should vote for?" as if the very lives of minorities aren't under fucking threat every second those ghouls are in charge of everything? and im not here to suck the fucking democratic party's dick because i hate them too, but at least they're not the fucking republicans, jesus christ is it really that hard of a decision? the only way we're ever going to see any semblance of real change around here is if we DON'T have the "let's actively make everything worse" party in charge, and yet somehow people are still like hmmm i don't knowwww 🤔 what the fuck is their problem? what the fuck is 50% of this stupid country's problem?? it's hard to be hopeful for tomorrow when everyday you wake up and some asshole governor has banned trans people again or whatever, or knowing the supreme court of soulless villains could just up and take away another human right at the drop of a hat, and no one's doing anything meaningful about climate change, and like 10 people have 80% of the world's money while thousands of people die out on the streets everyday because they can't bear the thought of giving out even a single cent of their precious capital, and and and and. it fucking sucks out there!! is it the major depressive disorder, or is the state of the shit world we have to live in?? i can't tell! how are we supposed to make the world a better place when it seems like half the people in it don't even care. shit is bleak, man.
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sideblog-666-thousand · 4 years ago
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A long bitch of an interview with Euronymous, from Orcustus zine in early ‘92.
What is Orcustus? Orcustus was an early 90’s black metal ‘zine run by none other than Bård “Faust*” Eithun— murderous pretty-boy, and o.g Euronymous simp. I think he might have also played drums in a band called Emperor... but I’m not sure! Its full name is actually “Orcustus— The Shadow of The Golden Fire”, and no, I’m not making this up.
This particular issue here opens up with a quote from a short story called ‘The Doom That Came To Thomas Parkes*’.
Assuming the reader hasn’t read the story, Faust explains that the quote is in reference to what happened to the titular ‘Thomas Parkes’ when he tried to raise spirits. Faust then admits that he’s unsure of his own ability to ‘raise spirits’, but says he hopes that he’ll raise some fists in agreement that there’s something wrong with the underground scene. Ironically (you’ll see why this is ironic very soon), he doesn’t like that certain bands, namely Entombed, are selling so many copies of their LPs.
After a brief diatribe on just that, he goes on to explain that he was in a rush to get this mag out because of problems with the printer. Then, he tells anyone who doesn’t like the fact that this ‘zine only features black metal that they can fuck off, with three exclamation points.
Finally, we get to the end of the opening page, where Faust pulls what can only be called an early form of the Twitter exposed thread. It reads as follows, with absolutely no changes to the text:
“I would suggest you to not do any business with that sucker Evil Ludo from France. He have riped me and several others off, by not return what we ordered. I suppose he’s a medical sensation, as I didn’t know it was physical or psychical possible to live without a brain”
Why am I telling you all of this, when this is only meant to be a transcript of an interview with Euronymous, you may be asking? Because I find it funny, that’s why.
Anyhow, the Euronymous here acts and feels very differently from the Euronymous of the last interview I posted. However, I hope you’ll still enjoy it, and I hope you’re able to appreciate the tiny glimpses of humanity talking to a close friend allowed him, even though they both behave like complete asses. Even though it’s hard to sympathize with him at points.
Like last time, any (sparse) commentary will be between (parenthesis) and in bold. Without further ado, let’s get into it.
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F: Well, how in hell shall one be able to come up with an intro worthy enough for this band? The words I wanna describe Mayhem’s music with, is not yet created, and it won’t be created either, because no one has really experienced the real darkness and pure brutality with lays behind Mayhem’s hellish sound, but I suppose you all are familiar with this band anyway. Well, in the first place, I hadn’t really thought to enclose this band in this issue, because if we look away from rereleases of old demos (“Pure Fucking Armageddon”) and live tapes, it’s a pretty long time since their last release (in ‘87 that was). I thought I rather should interview them when they released their forthcoming album “Dee Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”, but due to the circumstances, I realised the time was right for an interview now. I won’t bother you with any history shit, but I could tell a bit about what has happened last year. You all know that their vocalist Dead comited suicude in April ‘91, that was a bigg loss for the underground, and I suppose I don’t need to say that this mag is dedicated to the memory of that infernal man. Anyway, Dead was replaced by Cultòcùlus (back then called Occultus), but due to different problems within the band, he left the band in January ‘92, but let’s not say more about that, as Euronymous didn’t want me to say anything about it at all (but Euronymous, you must admit that it has sounded pretty artificial if I hadn’t mentioned it at all). So now, the band consists of Hellhammer (drums) and Euronymous (guitar (and probably bass too)). I know the singer of Tormentor (rip) from Hungary (Esihar Attila) is interested in singing on the album, and also even moving to Norway, so it seems like Mayhem got some sort of predilection to foreign vocalists, but this Hungarian guy happend to be a good one as well, so never mind that. But I don’t think this is official, so don’t tell anyone you read it here, ok? Well then, it’s an honour for me to dedicate the next following pages to one of today’s most legendary and infamous bands......... THE TRUE MAYHEM!!!!!!!
F: First of all Euronymous, I know you and Dead live/lived totally for the old black metal attitude. Is your hate now total to young and trendy bands after Dead’s suicide?
Euro: YES, we have declared WAR. Dead died because the trend people have destroyed everything from the old black metal/death metal scene, today “death” metal is something normal, accepted and FUNNY (argh) and we HATE it. It used to be spikes, nites, chains, leather and black clothes, and this was the only thing Dead lived for as he hated this world and everything which lives on it. If we had the economic possibility to do it, we should meet up at concerts and beat up ALL trend people ALL the time untill they would be too scared to go to concerts at all, now we need to suck their money instead. It’s impossible to stop the trend no matter how much we want, we have to do the best out of it and sell lots of trend shit to them. (I don’t need to tell you that that’s totally not why Dead killed himself, right?)
F: In the spring of ‘91 you started up a shop in Oslo which sells all sorts of music within metal. Is there anything you can tell us about the shop (ideas? plans?)?
Euro: Well, the original idea was to make a specialist shop for metal in general, but that’s a long time ago. Normal metal isn’t very popular anymore, all the children are listening to “death” metal now, I’d rather be selling Judas Priest than Napalm Death, but at least now we can be specialized within “death” metal and make a shop where all the trend people know that they will find all the trend music, this will help us earning money so that we can order more EVIL records to the evil people. But no matter how shitty music we have to sell, we’ll make a BLACK METAL look on the shop, we’ve had a couple of “actions” in churches lately, and the shop is going to look like a black church in the future. We’ve also thought about having total darkness inside, so that would would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.
F: Well, how is the situation all in all in the Mayhem camp right now?
Euro: Difficult as usual, but we’re closer than ever to record the Mayhem lp. Almost all the material is completed, then I and Hellhammer will record the whole thing with 3 guitars, 2 basses and so on. It will be very massive. Who’s to sing on the lp is not yet decided, we’ll wait and see what happens. We have several people who can do the job very well.
F: As Metalion of Slayer mag* said: “it seems like you at certain times lives on the edge of starvation”. Have you ever been on the thought to just give up the whole band and become a normal 9 to 5 person, or is this a completely stupid question to ask?
Euro: It has been very hard at times, but I am not a normal person anyway so it would just not be possible to do that. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why things are as they are (this answer will be long) (that’s okay for me/Ed). The reason why we don’t have any money, is because of hardcore. We have for too long been following the “underground” rules, which say that you must hate money, you must not think you are anything, you must be open-minded, you might have a lot of attitudes and so on. Extremely stupid. But the situation has been that if you don’t follow these rules which are made by hardcore pigs, you are not accepted as a death metal or black metal band! Then you MUST be signed by some big label to be able to make some money, and we’ve never wanted to do that. Then you would anyway be labelled as “commercial” by the HC pigs. This has caused that after 8 years, we are still as broke as ever, while the HC pigs themselves are controlling all labels, and they sign only the bands which fit into their own idiotic world, that means “death” metal bands with society lyrics and jogging suits, and this is what the people see when they grow up. They don’t see any EVIL bands with spikes, as we did. Well, I’m tired about being broke, just to be “underground”. I’m tired of not having money to eat for just because tons of people will call you a “rip-off” if you don’t write 20 letters each day. It’s time to say fuck off to the whole system, which is built to strangle the evil bands in the birth. We must start taking inspirations from the ancient ones, from Venom and their likes. They did their thing BIG, and they never had to think about any idiotic underground rules. They did it big and so must we, but it must never become a trend, it must become a CULT. This is why we have started on a brand new policy with the band and the record label. It’s about time that someone makes a label for black metal and other grim music, and STRIKE BACK. There is NO reason why DSP shouldn’t be as big as Peaceville or Nuclear Blast, if we can just get the business on its feet again and get good distribution. That’s the only way to compete with the HC labels. It’s about time we start taking control over our own scene. We must spread the EVIL bands and pervert people’s souls.
F: What about the Norwegian scene then? Don’t you think that something is terribly wrong when it have gone so far that we have a christian “death metal” band here (Crush Evil)? Advices on how we should kill them?
Euro: First of all— the Norwegian scene is the BEST. There are a lot of GREAT bands (yet with no album out) and of course some shitty trend bands, but nothing as in Sweden. There you have 2-3 good bands out of 100, while here we have a few shit bands who hardly have made even a demo, while all the great bands will make records in the near future. Such as Darkthrone, Burzum, Immortal, Thorns (I’m flattered/ED*), Arcturus, Enslaved and newer bands like Malfeitor and others which I have not yet heard. BUT— when it comes to bands like Crush Evil, we must take serious action. It’s bad enough to have a couple of society bands, but a CHRISTIAN band is too much. But don’t worry, we have plans. They will not continue for a very long time.
F: And now over to something more humouristic....yes.... snuff movies. Who had been the perfect actor for a snuff movie, and why the hell aren’t they legalized? Don’t you think that every video-store should have its own section with snuff-movies?
Euro: Actually I think it’s great that movies like that are forbidden. If they were legal and easily accessible, all the small trend children would be watching them, and then it would not be something extreme anymore (I’m not sure if I agree with you here Euronymous. Snuff movies are usually too raw and brutal for the people with their “peace and life” infected minds. Remember the HC rules/ED) (shut the fuck up, Faust*) It’s just the same what happened to death metal— it became something everyone could buy in every store, something normal and accessible for everyone. All the mystic and evil atmosphere is GONE. I do not think snuff-movies are funny, I think they are DARK. I’ve seen people laugh at them, but that’s probably because they will not be mentally able to take the PAIN and EVIL on over themselves. That is the best way to watch such a movie, to try to FEEL the actual pain of the victims. It becomes much more gruesome then, and that’s great. One must be alone in the darkness and suffer with the victims, if you watch it with other people, they will often talk, laugh and so on, and then you get more distanced from it, it’s not supposed to be funny (death to fun), it’s much better when it’s depressive.
F: Through the years you have been talking about releasing bands like Samael, Rotting Christ, Master’s Hammer, Tormentor, Matricide, Imperator, Massacre etc. on Deathlike Silence Prod., but now some of these bands have released lp’s on labels which only have money in their eyes and know that black metal sells. Doesn’t that frustrate you, and don’t you feel it like the time is running out for you?
Euro: It’s a bit frustrating, but it is also a result of trying to be “underground” which is a suicide policy. Anyway, the main thing is that these evil records get released at all, and not who’s releasing them. We will probably release a record with Tormentor, they’re split up, but they still want to make their Anno Domini demo on vinyl, and we’ll try to fix it within the summer. The time is not running out, because there are a lot of really evil bands around. — most of the Norwegian bands which other labels haven’t heard about. Burzum is ten times better than all the bands on Earache together, and so are Thorns and Arcturus. So there is no problem, really. As for bands like Rotting Christ and Master’s Hammer, we might do something in the future instead. I’ve never been talking with Samael about any deal, but I wish I had as their album is FUCKING GREAT.
F: Almost all bands in the underground today says that they think they got their own style and originality, but the fact is that 95% of the bands sounds totally the same. What is an original death metal band today?
Euro: There exists no death metal bands today. There are only a handful of (mostly great) bands (in case someone hadn’t got it right— black metal has nothing to do with the music itself, both Blasphemy and Mercyful Fate are black metal. It’s the LYRICS, and they must be SATANIC. If not, it is NOT black metal) and what we choose to call LIFE METAL bands. Take a band like Therion. Their music is quite ok, it’s actually one of the best Swedish bands (even though that doesn’t say much) but their lyrics STINK. They are about society and pollution, what the fuck has that got to do with DEATH? If a band cultivates and worships death, then it’s death metal, no matter what KIND of metal it is. If a band cultivates and worships Satan, it’s black metal. And by saying “cultivates death”, I don’t think about thinking it’s funny, or being into gore, I’m thinking about being able to KILL just because they HATE LIFE. it’s people who enjoy to see wars because a lot of people get killed. How many bands think that way? Not many. I can’t think of one.
F: You’re maybe not the most active band when it comes to gigs, but at least you’ve managed to tour Germany and Turkey. What can you tell us from the tour, and is there any new gigs planed?
Euro: That tour was a big mess, we’ll NEVER take the train again! We lost quite some money, but still it was great to get to East-Germany and Turkey. The memories of the tour consist mostly of the starvation and idiotic custom officers, but still I wouldn’t like to have missed the opportunity. We don’t have any concrete plans, we’ll see happens in the future. We don’t like to play for a lot of trendies in jogging suits, so we prefer to leave it be.
F: What do you think of the fact that death metal has been on MTV?
Euro: It sucks. But it isn’t death metal anyway, so....
F: I know that you will soon release the debut album of Abruptum on DSP, so, what can you tell us about it?
Euro: It’s EVIL. It’s PURE EVIL, they were torturing each other in studio DURING the recording and you can HEAR on the music how they SUFFER. It will be the most demented record EVER, and it’s NOT for normal people. This is music which NEVER can become trendy, because normal people won’t be able to understand it. And that’s great. The price for the album it’ll be the same as for the BURZUM lp, which should be somewhere else in this ‘zine*. It’s called “Obscuriratem Advoco Amplèctere Me”, and stay away from it if you don’t like pure DARKNESS.
F: Don’t you think that people in the underground should respect others ideas and views more? I mean, it’s not accepted to spread unpopular thoughts. It seems like there is some sort of guardians of morality and most people keep in mind not to say or do anything which is not accepted by the public.
Euro: I don’t think people should respect each other. I don’t want to see trend people respecting me, I want them to HATE and FEAR. If people don’t accept our ideas as their own, they can fuck off because then they belong to a musical scene which has NOTHING to do with ours. They could just as well be Madonna fans. There is an ABYSS between us and the rest. Remember— one of the HC rules is that you must be open-minded (except for themselves), so we must be careful and avoid being open-minded ourselves. The HC pigs have correctly made themselves guardians of morality, but we must kick them in the face and become guardians of anti-morality.
F: You say you want your riffs to have a dark mood and really sound evil, but what if you came up with a riff which just sounded good, but not evil. Would you use it then?
Euro: Well, if a riff sounds good to me, it mostly means that it sounds evil too. At least when I make the music myself. Haven’t really thought about this about this before.
F: Do you think you’ve been playing this sort of music today if it weren’t for those old bands like Mercyful Fate, Venom and Hellhammer?
Euro: It’s impossible to say. Venom and the other ancient ones have been fundamental influences on Mayhem, and also the direct reason of the band’s existence. We like to think that if they hadn’t started up this, we would have, but who knows? Doesn’t really matter anyway, we hail ancient Venom as the CREATORS.
F: Ok, no more questions at the moment. End the interview in what way you want......
Euro: Perhaps it should be mentioned that well re-release the MAYHEM mini-lp “Deathcrush” VERY soon. We also have t-shirts available now. People should write for prices on things. Be EVIL, not open-minded.
Ok, I suppose some of you already know that Euronymous started up a shop in Oslo in the spring of ‘91. The shop is called “HELVETE” (which is Norwegian and means “HELL”) and are specialized within underground stuff and death metal in general (though he also have some other styles of music there). As he said in the MAYHEM interview, the shop really have a black metal look, so if you ever visit Oslo, I really recommend you to visit “HELVETE” as well. I think it’s good that people take the initiative to start up with such things, because if everyone were just passive, we would all get ruined by poser-shops like Hot Records where they take 140 NKR for the Earache albums (which you in “HELVETE” can get a CD for the same price). Euronymous also sells though mail, so write and ask for a list or something: HELVETE, Schweigaardsgt. 56, 0656 Oslo. NORWAY.”
That’s all! :)
And now for the things I put in asterisks, in order of their appearances.
*If for some reason you actually don’t know who Faust is, he was the drummer on the Emperor LP and “In The Nightside Eclipse” but you might also know him from other great hits such as “threatening to kill Mortiis from prison whilst simultaneously attempting to plead murder of the secondth degree”, “I’m glad the people Euronymous ripped off won’t get their money back because he’s dead hA hA!”, “I got fourteen years for murder because I’m a socially inept virgin— oops” and “bad... bad lyrics who’s quality somehow don’t improve with the passing of time”. All jokes are done in good humour— if it seems like I dislike him, it’s not that at all. I just find him easy to make fun of.
Here is another short bio, this one less sarcastic: he was born in Trondheim, lived around Kvikne, and Lillehammer, worked at Helvete, was a close friend of Euro’s, and has his sun in Taurus.
He also beefed with Glen Benton for dissing the Party City cape (Note: of course I’m being extremely reductive) he and Euronymous seemed to share. Here are a few pictures of Faust:
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Here is the infamous Party City cape:
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*This was surprisingly hard to find. I think he read it in a mag or something. Here’s a link to where you can find it: https://issuu.com/davidgamble/docs/paranormal37/3 page 64-65.
*Slayer mag was another zine, this one by a bloke named Metalion, who was Euro’s best friend.
*Faust (who felt the strange need to make a distinction between himself, the editor, and himself, the interviewer) also played in Thorns (well, Stigma Diabolicum), under the hilarious moniker: Fetophagia✨
*He’s being a fucking idiot, what was I supposed to say? It should be noted that Faust actually went down for the snuff films too.....
*In case you’re interested, for whatever reason, the prices for the Burzum LP were as follows:
Norge— 130 NKR
Norden— 100 K
Finland— 60 FN
Island— 1000 IK
Europe— 15$
Outside Europe,
Overseas— 15 $
Air— 22$
East Europe— 10$
By ‘norden’ he presumably meant ‘northern Norway’, and “Island” is the Norwegian word for Iceland. Notice the way he doesn’t include Sweden! (Edit: Originally I thought he didn’t include Finland because there was a black metal war with them as well, but it seems as though that feud came a bit later or had already passed)
That’s all, for real this time!
Legal disclaimer: I am absolutely, in no way shape or form, claiming that the stupid cape you see them wearing is literally from Party City. From my limited research, I’ve gathered that the Party City chain hasn’t yet opened its doors in the beautiful and glorious country we know as Norway— Norge. However, I am saying that the cheap, dinky piece of cloth covering their backs and shoulders are of the same kind of shitty quality you’d expect from a Party City Count Dracula costume and that maybe Glen had a point about how stupid Euronymous (and Faust) must’ve looked.......
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cinnaminsvga · 4 years ago
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🤬 | seokjin
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the sleep deprived series (n.): drabbles that i write when i’m sad and tired
→ frenemy!seokjin ft. e2l and the magnificent get-along sweater | 2K words → a/n: this is dedicated to my homie @jincherie​ who has been, as they say, wiping her ass everyday only to shit again. i can’t really do much to actually alleviate your circumstances except maybe making you smile, so i hope this can be your tiny ray of sunshine amidst the crap. this fic literally makes no sense because i wrote this within one hour so i’m sorry but pls know that ilysm!!
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“Where’d you even fucking get this abomination?” you growl, struggling fruitlessly against the coarse fabric. In your fidgeting, your elbow knocks into Seokjin’s broad chest, causing more damage to your weak joints than anything. Even so, Seokjin grunts overdramatically, stepping on your toes in retaliation.
“Yoongi-chi, you know that I love you very much—” Seokjin seethes, his teeth clenched almost painfully as he fights to restrain himself from ripping the sweater in half, a la Hulk style. “—but I will not hesitate to stab you once I get out of here.”
“Not my fault that you both are acting like a bunch of toddlers,” Yoongi snorts, hip jutted out in contempt like the homosexual that he is. “And to answer your other question, I bought that sweater online after your last fight, when you two were literally wrestling on the kitchen counter. I didn’t know whether I walked into some intense BDSM play or a WWE ring.”
“You bought a fucking get-along sweater for us? What are you, some sort of Christian camp counselor?” you growl, kicking your legs out in an attempt to hit him. The slimy twink bastard jumps away gracefully, landing onto the loveseat opposite the couch that you were sitting on. He crosses his legs, opening his arms wide when your traitorous cat jumps onto his lap, looking to all the world like a terrible Bond villain from the 80s.
“If I was Christian, I would not put the two of you into a sweater together,” Yoongi says. He strokes your cat, who purrs loudly before pointing a contemptuous glare back at you, as if she was enjoying your torture too. Dumb cat. You never liked Miko anyway.
Yoongi continues, “Anyone would two eyes knows that you both are just one brawl away from fucking each other into the next dimension. Lord knows that your sexual tension could power the entire city.”
It’s Seokjin’s turn to snort, who has been relatively quiet in comparison to you. He’s also less fidgety, but that might be because he at least has the advantage and comfort of occupying 90% of the sweater space due to his oceanic shoulders. You once described him as “horizontally imbalanced,” which he did not find slightly amusing.
“I would rather place my balls into a panini press and feed them to Miko than to ever fuck Y/N,” Seokjin fake-gags, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. “It would be less hot for me to actually grill my penis than for me to sink into her hell-ish cunt. I swear, you could bake bread in there with how much yeast has accumulated from—“
You headbutt his chin before he can finish, squawking indignantly. The satisfying sound of his teeth clacking together in pain is momentary but worthwhile. “Excuse you, but it’d be an honor to fuck me! I’ve got that S-tier pussy! If my pussy was in a gacha game, people would spend thousands of dollars just to roll for my mystical coochie!”
Yoongi smirks. “So you admit that you do want Seokjin to fuck you!”
“What the fuck! No! That is—what the—I don’t!” You stammer, face flushing as you struggle to regain your footing in the conversation. Yoongi’s eyebrow raises, intrigued by your slip-up. “That is totally not what I meant, and you know it!”
Yoongi picks at his nails, pointedly avoiding eye contact. “Sorry, I don’t speak hetero. Prithee, explain thy peculiar mating rituals to one who does not walk the straight and narrow path.”
You slump back against the couch, forcing Seokjin to follow and fall backward with you. His shoulder hits you square in the boob, causing you to groan in pain. “Yoongi, just let us out of this thing before I lose a limb to this walking inflatable tubeman,” you plead, ignoring Seokjin’s glare.
“I resent that,” Seokjin inputs, but no one pays him any mind. Your attention is focused solely on the smirking kitty man in front of you, who grows smugger as time ticks on.
Everyone in your friend group is aware of the weird relationship you have with Seokjin. Ever since you met him in your freshman year of university, things were never peaceful between the two of you. It was always constant bickering, squabbling, competing… everything. Even Jungkook, Seokjin’s other sworn enemy, doesn’t argue with the elder as much as you did.
For three years, everyone just assumed it was your weird kindergarten schoolyard way of showing affection for each other, and at the beginning, it might have been. You and Seokjin, both of whom have never dated in their lifetimes despite being moderately popular while growing up, are unsurprisingly emotionally stunted and never learned how to just be nice to people you like. Affection who? Compassion where? To the both of you, physical connection can only be achieved through hair tugging and nipple pinching, and not even in the sexy way.
But at a certain point, things were starting to get tiring. Your arguments only grew larger in scale, to the point where it was getting hard to differentiate whether the bruises on your neck were from pinches or something else.
“I just… Ugh… When are they gonna fuck, hyung? I’m actually getting tired of their constant fighting,” Namjoon had lamented one afternoon, just a day after your last altercation with Seokjin. It had been a big one, where Seokjin nearly lost a tooth when you had landed a neat uppercut squarely on his jaw after he called your toes ‘a foot fetishist’s worst nightmare.’
Yoongi’s boyfriend had been staring listlessly into his bowl of soup for the past hour, and he was honestly starting to get worried when it looked like Namjoon had started muttering to himself in a foreign language. Yoongi almost thought he might have been scrying for a prophecy, begging for an answer to their most pressing question.
“What do you want me to do about it? Lock them in a room and let them out only after they’ve done the deed? Mixed bodily fluids? Performed the monkey dance to its climax?! No thanks, I don’t wanna be near them when that can of worms finally explodes,” Yoongi grimaced, shivering at the thought.
Namjoon shook his head quickly, face paling with him. “Heaven forbid. Maybe you can keep it PG? How about getting one of those get-along sweaters or something. I think they used those in kindergarten.”
Yoongi sighed. “Yeah, but the question would be how I’d get them into it.��� He flaps his noodle arms around in demonstration. “I’m not exactly in the running for world’s strongest twink. Plus, years of fighting each other means they’re both stronger than I am.”
Namjoon shrugged. “Easy, just dare them to wear it. Make it into a competition. Nothing gets them more riled up than when they’re trying to outcompete each other.”
And so, that’s how the two of you had gotten stuck in a 3XXL Hello Kitty sweater that Yoongi had bought from Ebay. It has yet to be decided whether spending $40 on expedited shipping was worth it.
“Look, Yoongi-chi. We both promise that we will stop fighting once you let us out of this,” Seokjin says, smiling sweetly at him. Had Yoongi been younger and much more prone to the alluring temptation of the Straight Man™️, he might have caved. But Yoongi is older now, plus he knows when Seokjin is lying better than any polygraph test.
Yoongi rolls his eyes, waving him off. “Fat chance. You’d probably stop fighting for approximately three hours before getting mad about mint chocolate ice cream or something.”
“Hey! Give us some credit. We both agree that flavor is abhorrent, so we would never argue about that,” you retort, with Seokjin nodding furiously in agreement. You glance at him. “And I feel like we’d last at least six hours without fighting. What was our record again?”
“Five hours and twenty-two minutes,” Seokjin says.
You hum thoughtfully. “Okay, I can promise at least five hours and thirty minutes. Maybe.”
Yoongi groans, rubbing his temples in frustration. His souring mood even makes Miko jump away in fright, and the two idiots trapped in a sweater can immediately feel the dip in temperature. Uh oh, here we go!
“I am absolutely sick and tired of the two of you dumbasses fighting all the time! It’s embarrassing as hell trying to bring either of you anywhere in public because everyone mistakes your little catfights for strange foreplay or whatever,” Yoongi glowers. The two of you shrink into your seats, ashamed.
“We’ve only gotten kicked out of one Costco—” Seokjin defends. 
“But we did get fined for public indecency at the beach when I pulled your trunks down, which was totally unfair, by the way,” you mutter. 
“You literally threatened to, and I quote, ‘Suck the soul out of Seokjin’s dick until he dies.’ How the hell is that unfair?!” Yoongi exclaims. 
“It was a death threat! I would’ve accepted a charge for attempted murder, but that was not going to be a sexy blowjob, I assure you—”
Yoongi holds up a hand to silence you. “Face it, you both like each other. Whatever! Sure, you guys are the token straight people in our friend group, but that doesn’t make you bland as hell! Well, actually, it does but…” Yoongi pauses, wondering if it was worth lying. It takes a second for him to refocus. “Where was I? Oh right—“
Yoongi clears his throat, starting again. He heaves a deep breath, shoulders sagging tiredly as he puts on the sincerest face he can muster. “Listen, I just want to say that I care a lot about you, okay? And it sucks seeing the both of you hurting every time the other person says something really mean that neither of you even mean! If anything, will you please stop for me? If you really cared about our friendship, will you do it for me?”
There is a heavy pause as Yoongi strives to get his breathing back in check, his impassioned speech causing his fragile grandpa heart to race. He can feel his cheeks darkening in embarrassment, unused to using his “hyung voice” on Seokjin or you. Separately, the two of you are very reliable, never really needing him to scold either of you. Together, however… that’s a different story, but as the next eldest hyung, it really only fell to Yoongi to fix his friends’ mess of a relationship.
Screw age hierarchy. Yoongi would love to see Jungkook try to get Seokjin and you to fuck. Would absolutely pay to see the twerp squirm as he tries to even say the word “penis.”
After a while, Seokjin and you share a look. Yoongi watches with bated breath as he waits for either of you to speak, but he can sense some unspoken conversation happening between you. Perhaps, after years of exchanging blows, you had somehow knocked brain cells into each other and now share a weird psychic connection. Or, more likely, the two of you actually like each other and understand each other on a deeply personal level, so personal in fact that you could probably finish each other’s sentences, like—!
“We refuse,” you both reply in tandem, your joined voices echoing throughout the apartment. You both had said it so in sync that Yoongi might have imagined the other person speaking, but no—you both really did just say that to his face. In front of Miko. In front of his goddamn imaginary salad.
“Excuse me?” Yoongi squeaks. He cleans his ears with his fingers but finds no cotton there. These bitches! How dare they just throw his speech to the gutter! That shit took brain cells to think of, and he is not in the business of wasting his precious minutes by using them for productivity.
You shrug, leaning against Seokjin’s shoulder. He can see the ghost of a smirk tugging at your lips, thoroughly enjoying Yoongi’s confusion. “You heard us. We’ve made the executive decision to double our efforts, actually.”
Seokjin nods, not even shoving you off his shoulder like he normally would whenever you made contact with him. What? “Exactly. Honestly, we’ve been fighting for so long that we’ve kinda been just doing it for the bit at this point, and the fact that it annoys you so much is just the icing on the cake.”
Yoongi stares at them. His brain doesn’t feel like it’s connecting to his body at all; he feels like he’s floating. “So. What you’re saying is—“
“We know we like each other. Whatever. But we also like fighting, so who gives a shit if we’re having fun at the end of the day?” you shrug, pinching Seokjin’s cheek for good measure. As per usual, the elder retaliates by grabbing your finger with robot-like accuracy, before biting you there like a ravaging beast.
“And before you ask, no, we aren’t really dating. Yet. We kinda just wanted to piss as many people off before actually becoming official. We honestly didn’t think that you’d be the first one to crack.” Seokjin says, your finger falling from his mouth. The imprint of his teeth marks on your skin are plain as day, but you don’t look remotely bothered by it. In fact, you’re practically cooing at his ‘baby teefies’ like a psychopath.
“I—“ Yoongi stutters, at a loss for words for once in his life. He stands from the chair, but his knees give out from under him, causing him to tumble to the carpeted floor. He holds his head in his hands, shell-shocked. “So… That means…”
“Yeah, we’re kinda just freaky, I guess.” You muse before laughing hysterically when Yoongi begins to sob. “Hey, you’re right! We did make Yoongi cry! Do you think we could make Namjoon piss himself in rage when he finally confronts us too?”
Seokjin cackles, shaking your hand underneath the sweater. “If anyone can do it, I know that we can.”
And so, the two of you stand up clumsily to your feet, not bothering to escape the ridiculous sweater as you both waddled out of Yoongi’s apartment. From outside his door, Yoongi hears the sound of a new fight commencing, your shrieks resonating down the hall and for all the world to hear.
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chiliconsharls · 5 years ago
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ok. i hate to be put in this position because polo x carla x christian was an OT3 that was really close to my heart but yeah, here goes a long rant: POLO X CARLA X CHRISTIAN IS IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM BETTER THAN POLO X CAYETANA X VALERIO. 
First of all, anyone of you who says they’re just recycling or repeating that storyline can fuck right off, let us polyamorous people have more than one throuple in a show. 
Why is Polo x Caye x Valerio better? Simple: because they talk. Because they’re open. Because they’re aware of what they want. 
Polo x Carla x Christian was born out of a shady game/experiment Polo and Carla wanted to try. Polo x Carla x Christian throuple’s whole foundation was a clusterfuck.
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Christian was fooled into thinking Carla was into him when really he was being watched without his consent when he had sex with her. Carla thought she was trying to salvage her relationship with her boyfriend and Polo was just trying to act on his attraction to men without having to end things with his girlfriend. Messy. Then when Christian got in on to the picture, he did so for his own, dishonest reasons. 
Let me break it down into the three parts, because that’s the real issue: all three of them did terrible, questionable stuff.
First, the original sinner & real orchestrator: Polo. Yes, this whole thing was Polo’s idea even though Carla had to nudge him towards it at given points. 
In season two we find ourselves with a Polo who’s not questioned about his bisexuality, who explicitly says “Bi? Is that what I am? You know, you may be right. I might be bi” when is labeled as such & then who reveals to Guzmán he was into him at some point in his life. We don’t know for sure how long people have known this about Polo, but they know now. But FIRST, in season one, we have this exchange between Carla and Polo, the first time he’s having doubts about what they’re doing: 
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[btw, this is Carla being supportive of her bi bf, just saying. She was encouraging, at one point, but, yk, I’ll get to that]
Now, either this happened sometime before Polo’s bi awakening via Guzman’s incrediboy ass or this right there is Polo outright lying to Carla. Polo was aware that he was attracted to guys & his main goal of having a threesome with his gf & some other dude was to explore that (or he wasn’t but then the whole timeline is weird bc then that means he liked Guzman sometime during S1 events. idk). First strike. 
Then, where else did my dear chaotic bi Polo go wrong? He let himself get pushed & influenced by Guzmán’s nosy ass comments. Polo was ready to help Christian get a modeling job with his mother, to get Christian to like him as a friend, without anything sexual in return
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but then Guzman got inside with his head with his “Christian wants to take advantage of you” & then Christian’s whole dismissive attitude towards him & Carla calling him out on being jealous just triggered his Messy Needy Bi brain. So he got Christian to suck his dick over a magazine cover = he took advantage of Christian before he could do it to him. Second strike
And the nail on the coffin was cheating on Carla. Because yes, that was cheating. He lied to her to get alone time with Christian so he could have him to himself. He broke his girlfriend’s trust &, as the principle of their arrangement stated they weren’t supposed to do anything with Christian without the presence of the other: he broke the rules. Third strike. 
This last point of Polo’s faults brings us to Carla’s mistakes:
As I pointed above, Carla did encourage Polo in his attraction towards guys. In the examples of: the scene above, when she told him he liked Christian undressed better, when she moved the boys’ chins to see if they would kiss with a smile on her face, even when she pointed out Polo was jealous she was amused by it. She was on board. In fact, she was actually even pushy about it when you come to think of it, which is not good, bc if Polo hadn’t told her then she just had to wait for him to gather the strength to say it, not push him out. But I digress.
It was only after Polo broke their pact that she turned disapproving & judgemental & did that cursed thing of questioning Polo’s bisexuality by saying “I think you like boys more than girls”.
A lot of people like to think that Carla pulled the strings to get herself this double course meal but as I said, that’s not the case. Polo had the idea, it’s just that Carla had the drive to actually pull it off. That being said, the way she decided to get there was controlling and messy, yes. Most of the times, she cared more about getting keeping the threesome arrangement than the genuine concerns and doubts her boyfriends had. Dick got her careless about her boys feelings.
Then there’s the fact that, yk, she coerced Polo into lying about what he had done (which, now that S3 is out makes me wonder a LOT), which ended up getting messier than it needed. And then she also dragged Christian down.
PS. Also, a lot of people seem to have pointed out that Carla was more into Christian than she was into Polo but I feel like that’s a reach. Polo had been her boyfriend for over four years, so ofc, she was a bit more enthusiastic when she was with Christian. But when it all came down, the one she really loved was Polo. Only Polo. (which is also an issue for a polyam triad, ofc)
Now, on to the icing of the cake: Mr. Christian “I’m not aware I’m a huge ass raging bisexual & Im upset about it” Varela. Yes. I said it. Christian’s bi, I got plenty of proof & no doubts.
As I’ve pointed before: Christian was put into this trio clueless. Used. Lied to. The guy had very valid reasons to go “if you want to spice things up in your relationship, get yourself some other guy”. But since he’s a dumb (bi) boy with a Plan, he accepted.
Nothing ever goes right in triad in which one party just “””accepts””; they’re either into it or they’re not. Forcing polyamory is just as bad as forcing monogamy.
That’s not saying that Christian wouldn’t have gladly been a part of their trio had they gone right at it (just, picture it, Polo helping Christian get that fame & recognition he craves, slowly getting close to him. Carla being supportive & reassuring of her interest in them, equally, bam! They would’ve gotten Christian forever).
However that didn’t happen, so instead, we got a Christian who’s core interest was sexual & social/economic. He wanted to be with Carla for sex & with Polo for money/prestige.
There was potential for Christian to realize he’s not straight. Because no straight man looks like this when being sucked off by a guy:
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There was potential for Christian to fall in actual love with Carla, too. Potential for Christian to become more than what his parents thought him to be & to exploit that ambitious side of him in something that would’ve made him truly successful. However, Miguel Herran (Christian’s actor) had scheduling conflicts or didn’t wish to be part of the show anymore so all that potential went to waste. 
Why Polo x Caye x Val are better
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Essentially: because they have none of the above.
Polo has left insecure-about-his-bisexuality Polo behind, he’s grown & knows better than to lie & be pushed around now. Cayetana is in no position of power to be controlling or pushy. & Valerio is fully aware of who he is/what he wants with them from the beginning. 
The circumstances have made Polo stop being concerned about what his friends (now former friends) think of him & his love life. In fact, he proudly rejoices in it & tells the people he cares about,  about it (Ander, his moms). Polo’s really only hesitation at first was rooted in the fact that his previous try with Carla & Christian didn’t work out. 
Valerio comes forward with his equal interest in them as soon as he realizes that’s what he wants. (which is after he learns Polo tried to commit suicide) He makes sure to state, verbally, that he’s into both of them: 
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& even makes sure that they like him back by asking them. Which they verbally assure Valerio they do. But they’re only saying no because they don’t want to tarnish Valerio’s already controversial reputation, showing that: they care about Valerio at that point already. 
Cayetana, for her part, did positively what Carla wasn’t able to, for one reason or the other: constantly be reassuring and supportive of the triad. She’s the one who made sure the triad kept on by just being open & honest about how good it was for them. (”You’re the piece we were missing” to Valerio & “We’re building something nice here. Something worthwhile” to Polo). 
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When Polo&Christian wanted to call quits & break up the arrangement, Carla forced them back in with manipulative tricks (sex or pressure). Meanwhile, when Polo&Valerio got insecure about the triad, Caye lured them back in with honest, sweet words and reassurance.
Ultimately, the reason they fell apart was entirely fixable had they had had more time, but the season was about to be over & Polo’s fate was already set, anyways. 
You can argue Polo x Carla x Christian was hotter or that they felt more organic to you, fine. But they’re not a better trio & they’re definitely not a better polyamship; they had the potential, but the writers didn’t exploit it (& I’m sure that’s because Miguel H got out).
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bumblesimagines · 4 years ago
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Imma just say my thoughts on the show. I've go so much to say about Tiny Pretty Things lmao. Spoilers under the gif. I'd love to do the See More thing so y'all dont have to scroll if you don't care but tumblr is bugging out on my laptop and mobile doesn't have that option.
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So I originally thought that the show would be haunting of bly manor/hill house meets ballet. Those vibes you know. The trailer was amazingly done. Sucks the show wasn't.
The trailor showed Cassie falling/being pushed off the roof, Cruz trying to bring her back and that's really the last the viewer sees of her. I thought Cassie was dead. I thought it would be a murder mystery but nope. Cassie survived and woke up from her coma. I thought racism would be tackled. Nope. Never even mentioned. Some cool double life. Not really. You've got pedophile rapist and girls being pimped out. All the chatacters apart from Torri and Matteos mom are insufferable. I hated all of them and didn't give a shit about them.
Neveah is the main girl. She's a 16/17 year old girl of color entering a rich elite school of ballet. By the end of the show, the watcher knows nothing about her apart from her felon mom and wheel chair bound brother. Neveah started off strong in ep 1 and 2 but turned into a side chatacter. Bette, the rich white girl, becomes the main chatacter. She gets more scenes than Neveah and more developed relationships. She also gets a homophobic boyfriend so.. Yeah. We meet her mom and brother. Then you never see them again. Like literally after the music video scene they just disappear. They don't even show up at the Ripper dance or call Nev. Nev reminds me of Grace/Anna from Grand Army. Like Anna, they were terrible friends to the girls who got assaulted. Nev knew something was up with June but did nothing. Then she goes to the reporter about the assault when June specifically asked her not to and ended up putting June in danger. Nev does not care about the people around her until they become beneficial to her and her agenda. She had no reason to visit Cassie when they didn't even know each other.
Bette is the elite rich white girl with pretty privilege. She did EVERYONE dirty yet they all defended her when June and Shane got mad at her for good reasons. She had the audacity to forgive her homophobic boyfriend. He called someone a f*g just cause they bumped into him and Shane lashed out at him. It's not Bette's place to forgive him when his homophobia doesn't harm her. She is probably one of the characters with the most sex scenes. She also basically ignored her boyfriend's eating disorder. She's also a drug addict so sis has a lot of shit going on in her story.
Shane borderline assaulted Oren and is a hypocrite. His character was ruined for me the moment he shoved his hand down Orens pants and pushed him on the bed when Oren was trying to do the right thing. He continued to call Nabil psycho and never apologized for it even after Nabil was cleared. He's also in a relationship with an adult. I believe he's a sex addict as well.
Oren is bland. No personality and suddenly caught feelings for Nev even tho they only had a conversation like twice. He has an eating disorder and I hope it's more touched upon since lots of guys go through eating disorders.
June is.. I have mixed feelings about her. Some eps I loved her other eps I hated her. She's a thief, lier, crybaby but she tried doing the right thing a few times and realized Bette was playing her. She accused Neveah with no evidence about the door jam. Their friendship is so weird. The moment her mom chose not to meet Ramon I knew they were going for the 'villian is one of the characters dad'. If done well, the trope is great. They didn't do well. Also, girl in red vibes from her.
Nabil was the most tolerable characters on the show. He was accused left and right. His roommate hated him for PRAYING. Orin and Caleb were so lowkey racist towards him and Caleb was outright islamphobic. He didn't hold back. Nabil and Neveah had potential but Nabil chose Cassie and then suddenly went for June? Idk that was dumb. I don't hate him. I'm neutral about him.
Caleb can suck a big fat dick. I hate him with every fiber in my being. He was so islamphobic. Like for no reason. He got mad that his roommate prayed. You bet your ass he would care if Nabil was Christian. Are you fucking serious? Then he has the AUDACITY to suddenly become buddy buddy with him. I'm happy Nabil had none of his shit at the start. I hate his voice too.
Cassie should've died. They could've still had her be in those dreams. It would've been like her haunting them. Her parents suck. Her relationship with Ramon was unnecessary. I do like that she isn't sweet and is instead a bitch.
Cruz is as useful as the cop from Elite.
Matteo is lowkey a pedophile and is also homophobic. I wish they didn't make him homophobic cause his character is nice but he enables the fuck out of Bette. He tells her off then smiles and comforts her. Dev is confirmed a pedo and is a dick. He doesn't know what he wants and got mad at Shane for not liking a homophobe. Did nothing about his bosses going after pimped out teens until others knew about it.
I have mixed feelings about Delia. They could've had her reason for confronting Cassie be that she didn't want to be outshined instead of her being mad about Cassie stealing her man. Delia is the golden child and seems like she knows it but doesn't care. She also acts like she cares about Bette but if she did she wouldn't had let Bette take the fall for her.
Ramon was messy. I didn't like hoe touchy he got with Bette or that he kissed her. I would've been just as petty if the woman who groomed me as a young dancer decided to suddenly announce I would be choreographing for her dancers. He groomed Cassie, made someone touch his dick, and also bascially flashed Shane.
There was a sex scene and an ass in every ep so if you wanted to watch this show with your fam, I'd reconsider. It's gross considering half the characters are minors. They could've aged them up to college students that are 18-20.
This is a show about minors for adults. Feel free to chat or add anything. I'll be happy to respond and discuss this show.
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simptasia · 4 years ago
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lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes
jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves
kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini
hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)
sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly
locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes
sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women
jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun
sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening
claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up
charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall
ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters
(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)
juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))
michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?
(i’m sorry)
desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot
smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha
miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]
walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him
shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)
(gee, that was dark)
richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream
frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist
boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)
ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved
daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning
libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley
eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”
charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world
danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit
alex: just a young lady with no chill
jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley
christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die
aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents
vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog
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madllamamomma · 4 years ago
Text
I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).
So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*
So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.
Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….
I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).
So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...
I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.
D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.
But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.
I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.
Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.
During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)
So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.
—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)
Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).
So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”
My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!
But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.
Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.
Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.
I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.
Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.
High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.
Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.
And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”
And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”
🤨
This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.
So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.
My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.
I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!
So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.
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ill-skillsgard · 5 years ago
Note
Henry D finally opening up about all his fantasies that had been suppressed for so long, wining and dining her before shyly asking if she would want to try😳 What do you think his fantasies would be? Anal, car sex, maybe even slightly public?
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Warning: 18+ sex/anal sex/mature subject matter/cheating. Please read at your own discretion
Disclaimer: All characters mentioned are based entirely on fiction.
Read more Henry x Mistress here.
Okay, so I took this is a slightly different direction. It felt right to do it this way. Be warned, this part does contain anal sex to a degree. So, if you’re not into that kind of fun, this part might not be for you! 
I dedicate this week’s episode of His Mistress to a couple special people. The ones that see my worth and let me make terrible music recommendations to them and let me go wild with their ideas. You know who you are. This one’s for you. Kisses!
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Shoutout to @micheallangdons​ for making the gif above!
First Times
In your new professional world, you were no stranger to first-times. He smiled at you the first time you ever made the copier work without having to ask somebody else for help. Your favour from Henry’s clients earned you a special night of dinner where you ate and subsequently detested caviar for the first time. You scheduled your first meeting successfully. You spoke to Henry’s lawyer and also found out the name of the woman that was still wed to him in the eyes of the law. Her name was Mary.
After the night of caviar and much too expensive wine, Henry brought you home without asking if he could. Things were aligning, and Henry knew that you wouldn’t want to go back after such a lovely evening. Your heart was still alight with the memories of soft piano keys and low candles. Henry held your hand on the drive home and only let go when it was time to get out of the car.
When you were both settled into his bed with the TV on in the background, you sighed.
“What’s up, gorgeous?” He asked you.
“Oh, nothing,” you sang, for there surely was nothing up beside your spirits. “Why don’t you tell me something about you I don’t already know?”
“There are probably many things you don’t know.”
“So, tell me anything.”
Henry chuckled, reaching out to graze your arm and smooth his thumb over your skin absently. “One time, when I was ten years old, I broke my wrist, trying to climb onto the roof of my friend’s house. His dad had to take me to the hospital. I remember my dad being so worried until he found out how I’d broken it. Then he said I deserved the lesson.”
“And did you learn your lesson?”
“Well, I certainly haven’t been known since to climb on rooftops, so I’d say yes.”
You tittered at the trivial sweetness of the story, but you craved something more profound. Something darker. If you would spend most your time with him, you had to know more. You wanted to know it all.
“Tell me something that nobody knows about you,” you pried.
“Hmm,” he tapped the faint dimple on his chin, incongruous eyes raising to the high ceiling above the bed. “I might have to think about that.”
“You can’t tell me you have to think that hard about a secret.”
“What kind of secret? I don’t have any secrets!”
You narrowed your eyes at the licking little lie that fell from his lips. He rolled his eyes knowingly.  “You will not be a secret for much longer.”
“Sure,” you said sarcastically. “That’s not what your lawyer said.”
“What did my lawyer say?” Henry tried to pass his curiosity off with a chuckle.
“He said this settlement could take a long time if Mary decides to make it difficult.”
“Jeeze,” Henry’s eyes rolled again. You pushed him gently, assuring him you weren’t angry. “Knowing her, it will turn into a real rodeo.”
“Yeah, she’s going to ride you like a bull.”
“Hey! You don’t get to solidify my anxiety over this! You’re supposed to be the one keeping me from blowing my head off.”
A short silence proceeded. You took in a deep breath and punctured the quiet with another question. “Do you think she will actually come for your neck? Try to get it all?”
“I hope not. I don’t see why she would. She might be icy, but I don’t think she would want to see me penniless.”
“So, have you had enough time to think of a secret to tell me?” You asked.
“Not really. We’re talking. Why don’t you ask me things if you’re suddenly so curious about my past?”
You sat up excitedly, readying yourself to sling all sorts of questions at him. Henry saw the eagerness on your face and gulped. “When was your first kiss?”
Henry laughed nervously. “Uh… Sixth grade? A girl named Cheryl.”
“Cheryl? Man, people from your generation have such old people names.”
He placed his hand on your knee and shrugged. You continued since Henry seemed open to being interrogated, and you weren’t sure if he would ever let you do it again. You saved the more intimate questions for when the waters were thoroughly tested. Henry had a shy side to him that could be easily uncovered, but you didn’t want to spoil your fun by making him clam up too soon.
“Okay… What about the first time you ever saw a girl naked? Besides your mom.”
“Ew! Can you not?”
“Sorry! Just answer the question.”
Henry scratched under his eye, tucking his bottom lip under his front teeth. With a shake of his head, he gave another shrug. “Maybe the first time I ever had sex. But I’m sure she probably had some clothes on still.”
“And here I thought you were a good Christian boy!”
He laughed heartily at your remark and squeezed your thigh after he recovered. “Oh, dear God, no. I’m nothing of the sort.”
You looked at him slyly and reciprocated the grip on your leg by stuffing your hand between his thighs too. “Don’t I know it? You naughty, naughty boy.”
“Oh, no. We’re not playing naughty boy!”
“Why not?” You groaned.
“Because I always get spanked, and I don’t trust you around my ass.”
“Wise man. Smart of you not to trust me around that fine tail.”
“Shut up,” he blushed hard and toppled onto his back. You seized the moment to climb on top of him and use him as a full-body pillow.
“Okay, here’s one. Tell me about your first blowjob.”
“No, let’s not talk about that.”
“What! Why not? Was it weird? Did she use teeth?”
“There were no teeth,” he chortled. “I just don’t want to tell you who it was.”
“Your wife?”
Henry gave a hesitating nod. The revelation didn’t allow you relaxation.
“Wait… You mean to tell me that you’ve only been blown by two women in your entire life?”
He shrugged again, unashamed this time. “I had girlfriends before her, but I’d never let them… Do that. It’s so degrading. And I could never ask.”
“You are a good Christian boy, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m just respectful.”
You leered up at him. “Is that why you hate it when I give you blowjobs?”
A pair of strong arms wrapped around you, throwing you over to the other side so you were face to face again. “I do not, I repeat, do not hate when you s — you know. Go down on me.”
“Say it,” you whispered.
Henry shook his head rapidly. “Nope. Nuh-uh.”
“Yes! Say it.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to hear you say it.”
“Suck my cock,” he closed his eyes to hide from his own bashfulness.
“Say that you love it.”
“I love it.”
“No. Say that you love it when I suck your cock.”
“I love it when you suck my cock. But that doesn’t mean I want you to right now!” He blurted.
You shifted closer to him and gave him a teasing nibble of a kiss. “You’re so sexy, Mr. Deaver, and you don’t even have to try.”
“Hush,” he pressed four fingers to your lips, but you only kissed them until he took them back.
“Have I been your first for anything?”
“First time I had sex in a car. The first time a girl’s ever flashed me on an airplane. First time I ever fell in love with a person that felt like the Earth was crushing my skull.”
“Wow, you’re so sweet.”
Henry kissed you hard, and you felt the urge to defy his wishes to not sink below the sheets covering his hips. It wasn’t a matter for long. You knew once you got him a little worked up, he wouldn’t have any problem with you pulling his underwear off. He simpered against your mouth when your hand went travelling. Before you could work your fingers under the waistband, he inched away to avoid the contact.
“I don’t like that you don’t like getting blowjobs,” you told him.
“I know. I’m sorry. I had it beaten out of me.”
“Well, let me beat it back into you using my mouth.”
“Good god, you’re always so dirty.”
“I want you to accept that eventually.” A severe tone came over both of your faces. He searched your eyes for a clue, but couldn’t seem to find one until you sighed through your nostrils. “I like sex, and I know you think I’m only saying that because I want to impress you, but that’s not the case. I want you to be more open with me, okay? I’m not like her. I’m not going to make you feel disgusting for being aroused and wanting sex.”
“I know. I know.”
“I don’t think you do,” you explained gently. “I’ve told you a dozen times that you don’t have to treat me like a nun. You can be the boss outside of work too.”
“Maybe I like it when you’re the boss,” he tried to cloak his smile with the back of his hand, but you saw the mischief sparkling in his eyes.
“I’m not sure if you’re ready for what happens when I’m the boss. That means you have to do as I say.”
“I can do that,” he nodded.
“No, I don’t think you’re capable of handling the responsibility. You have to be very, very open. And you have to do whatever I say, even if it’s something you’ve never done before,” you were already crawling down Henry’s body by the time you reached his groin and looked up at him.
“Something I’ve never done before? Like what?”
“Like letting me eat your ass and finger your prostate.”
“What?” He squeaked, cheeks turning bright as neon.
“See? You’re not ready.”
He clutched at the sheet covering the bed and gave you a wary look. “But… It’s… What about? Jeeze.“
“What about what?”
“Hygiene?”
“You just showered before you got into bed.”
“So? What about hair?”
“Hair? Do you think if I’m willing to tongue fuck you, I’d care about a little body hair? Please.”
If he could make it happen, Henry would have melted into a puddle and absorbed into the linen so your intense gaze would stop penetrating the layers of his self-control. You waited for him to say something, but it became clear that he had been robbed of words. You decided to hold the reigns a little tighter.
“You’re not ready for me to be the boss. You’re not ready for the world’s most mind-blowing orgasm.”
“Pretty sure I’ve already had that, courtesy of one filthy little girl,” Henry’s eyes trailed away in contemplation. “What does it feel like?”
“I wouldn’t know. I don’t have a prostate or balls or a dick. But I know how to work all three to make an obscene amount of cum leave your body.”
“I just don’t think I could come with your finger in my ass.”
You scoffed, pressed your forehead to his tummy and kissed just above his waistline. “Oh, my sweet, sweet little Christian boy. The worlds you have yet to explore.”
There was a hint of trepidation left on his face as you rolled the waistband of his underwear, nuzzling into his groin. You pulled the cotton material down, and he lifted his knees to help you along. In no time, Henry’s firm muscles relaxed as blood rushed down to fill him up. You took your time with him, attending to every inch with fervour until his head plastered to the pillow, and his jaw hung wide open. Then you sucked one testicle into your mouth for a short roll, assessing whether he would be receptive to it. By the way his knees shook, you discerned that the sensation had taken the proper effect.
“Like having those balls sucked on, don’t you, Mr. Deaver?”
“Y-yes,” he murmured.
“Doesn’t that feel so good?” Your rhetoric had him nodding his head.
You encircled his shaft with one hand, angling him up and away from you until more of him was exposed. He caught on quickly and tried to close his legs. “Don’t worry, just going to press on that spot just below. Not too low. Oh, that’s right. Open your legs and get comfy, big boy.”
“Christ,” Henry whined, throwing his arm over his eyes.
“If you ever want me to stop, just tell me.”
“Don’t stop,” the words leapt from his mouth.
Henry became tight again until he grew used to the feeling of your thumb pressed up against his perineum. As you bobbed your head up and down, you worked a small circle of firm pressure there until he pulled back one knee to watch for a moment.
“You can watch, it’s okay,” you whispered against the head of his cock.
When your head disappeared, and he felt a strange wet prodding, he jerked away but settled to assess the feeling accurately. He didn’t understand why it felt good, and that confused him. But it was you down there, and that was why he wasn’t panicking yet. Only when your hand crawled closer to his entrance did his stomach sink and his lip wobble.
“That… That's—mmm,” Henry melted when the tip of your tongue pushed a little harder.
You resisted a laugh and focused on the task at hand: the trifecta you had promised would make him forget his own name. With your hand gripping his shaft firmly and your other hand sneaking its way up, you pulled back and let a watery bubble of spit fall down the crevice to lubricate your short path. You were thankful for cutting your fingernails earlier as you finally gave his hole a slight press. Henry’s hips tilted, and he rose his head off the pillow to make sure you were still you and not a dream.
“Yeah, relax, big boy. Let me get in that tight hole. I promise you’ll love it.”
The push started slow. His teeth cut into his bottom lip hard and then released the moment the first half-inch of your finger made an entry. He was warm and inflexible at first, but after a few loving strokes of his cock, he slackened the muscles in his arms and legs. You ventured a little deeper, curling your finger up and letting him grow used to a little more.
“Oh, my. Look at how hard that dirty cock is now!”
Henry felt an equal wash of shame as he did arousal. He was ashamed that he found it so arousing, but all ulterior thoughts melted away the moment you rubbed a firmer spot inside of him. You concentrated on it but didn’t apply too much pressure. Not until he was ready. Not until he was begging for more.
“Please… Please, god, do something. Touch me.”
“I am touching you,” you winked.
“Suck my cock, too.”
“That’s a good boy! I like it when you tell me what you want.”
You throated his entire length but never neglected the hidden button inside of him. You rubbed slow circles around it, worked it up and down and side to side until Henry was throbbing, one leg stiff while the other bent at the knee.
“Jesus Christ, that feels so fucking good, baby. Jeeeesus.”
“Mm, I know it feels good. I knew you’d like having that gorgeous ass played with.”
“I’m going to come. Hard. I’m going to fucking—” Henry was cut off by another undulating moan culled from the precise attention you gave his prostate. “Baby! Keep doing that. Oh, God. That’s amazing.”
“Yes, come hard, Daddy. Shoot that fucking load.”
Henry’s fingers combed through your hair and held your mouth in place while his hips bucked. It was a move that he never felt comfortable executing before. It went hand-in-hand with his aversion to blowjobs. But something told you that Henry would start asking for a lot more of them soon.
His body tensed up only to melt, twist, and then relax. He chewed his lip, panted, rapidly blinked like he was about to cry and covered his mouth with the one hand that wasn’t clutching the bedsheets.
“Give me that bad boy cum. I want it all.” Your final encouragement was the last thing he needed to hear before he tightened and exploded.
You were amazed by what didn’t make it down your throat. Henry’s orgasm tore through his body like a lightning bolt and leaked from the swollen tip in pulses. Each ripple forced out another thick drop of cum, and you didn’t unsheathe yourself from him until you were sure you witnessed the last bubble glistening down the underside of his cock.
“Holy. Fucking. Shit,” Henry said between deep breaths.
“Told you I could make you leak like a faucet.”
“That was… That was insane.”
You smiled, assuring him you well knew of your sexual prowess over his body. He reached for you to lie on him, and you obliged. Once you settled next to him and got comfortable in the space between his arm and torso, he kissed your head. Another long breath left him that tickled down your spine, and you both giggled.
“I am your slave. You are my goddess. I can’t believe that really happened just now. Wow, I swear I can’t feel my hands.”
You cozied up to him, a broad smile unbreakable on your face. “That was your first prostate orgasm. Congratulations!”
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deep-nerd · 5 years ago
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BRO I LOV YOUR OCS WHADDA HELL. CAN U TELL ME MORE ABOUT THOSE MAD LAD SIBS. SORRY IF YOUVE DONE IT B4 AND I MISSED THE POST
NAH NAH UR GOOD! I can totally like sit down and infodump! 
im gonna put this under a read more
also TLDR: Leelas is a punk ass bitch who i love 
To start im gonna begin with the world. You got Genesis (Heaven basically but not the Christian Heaven.) and Cesstation (Hell.) and then Gaia (Earth) 
My universe does have like biblical themes but i take the God and worshiping aspect out of it. Genesis and Cesstation are other dimensions with creatures that fit the descriptions of what humans call angels and demons. which they are right! They are Angels and Demons lmao. 
I have Genesis more fleshed out than Cesstation unfortunately. But anyhow! Genesis has a ruling class, basically the same status of what the people of Gaia refer to as God, a monarchy. They call the rulers Archangels! 
Now here is where Leelas and Jackson comes in. 
Leelas and Jackson are the sons of Gabriel Gustav and his wife (who i have not designed yet.. or named.) Gabriel was the current Archangel, raising Leelas, his first born child, to be the next archangel. Jackson had no problems with this, meaning they can dick around as much as they want! They were the clown of Genesis, always getting into trouble, getting Leelas into trouble, getting out of trouble with more shit, trying to get Leelas to also dick around and play, and they acted like this for y e a r s. 
And people loved them. Jackson would stroll into town, flirt with e v e r y o n e, steal some bread, nap, and get scolded by Gabriel... who only sighed and then laughed. Now even though Jackson was very uh lazy?? is that the right word? he was still very talented and well respected.
Leelas was a very tight screw since the responsibility of being the heir fell onto his shoulders, always studying, training, until Jackson would come in to the room and chuck a wet sponge at the back of his head. Like Jackson, the people also enjoyed having him around since he could be very philosophical. Jackson did comment that Leelas overthinks a lot. 
One day, Jackson threw another wet sponge at Leelas and convinced him to go to Gaia. A treat yourself day. 
So they went to Gaia. And ran into a woman named Anna. Only because Jackson noticed Leelas staring at her like a love struck idiot and they shoved him into her. 
He yelled, she yelled, Jackson laughed. Then got yelled at. 
however Leelas and Anna did keep in touch, eventually started dating, and three years later got married. 
Jackson Gustav, ultimate matchmaker. 
But Leelas brought Anna to Genesis and she met Gabriel. Who was like oh good one of my sons finally found someone. And they lived happily ever after.
BITCH YOU THOUGHT AH HA!
But Anna got very sick one day and Leelas tried everything in his power to try and cureher, but death wants Anna and he is gonna have her. She died and Leelas was devastated but Jackson was better athiding his grief, since they also really liked Anna and thought of her as a very close friend, and tried to coax Leelas out of his depression
Leelas thought that it wasn't fair that fate decided to makehim fall in love with someone so frail and then pull her from him so soon so he basically said Fuck Fate and started looking thelibrary for dark arts and necromancy
which Genesis didnt have so he had to go to Cesstation tofind what he needed
Demons are willing to do necromancy but its like.. aterrible act leaving the deceased in a purgatory like state of agony since youare defying the will of Death
There is another world which is basically where the souls of the deceased go. The people of Genesis and Cesstation  refer to death as His Will. and with necromancy?
you are basically ripping their soul from Death's world byforce and the soul will feel that pain forever until the spell is removed and Leelas was willing to ignore the demon's warnings torevive Anna in order to see her again and he completed the act, blind to the fact that Anna wasdeformed, in agony, and screaming
Jackson was the one who found Leelas on Gaia after thespell, seeing the books and Anna
lets just say Jackson was traumatized
Gabriel appeared, pushing aside his panicking son and killedAnna and made Leelas fall on the spot. 
Thats where the color scheme comes into play. All angels have some form of gold markings. either on their face, hands, or both. Purple means you fell, your markings turn from gold to purple. its like a punishment for doing something forbidden. 
Leelas went from gold to dark purple and falling feelssomeone sucked the life out of you so thats fun
back on Genesis, Gabriel announced that Leelas has fallen,named stripped to Stewarlight, and cursed until he is forgiven. And thatJackson will be the new Archangel
Leelas basically has to work off his sin
Jackson, now in line to be archangel is at an impasse
He truly believed that Leelas was the one to succeedGabriel and now he thinks he won't be good enough since all they did was dick around a flirt. thats a lot of sudden responsibility. 
Leelas, feeling bitter about Anna and his fall, takesadvantage of Jackson's turmoil and says that jackson has to be perfect, better. Leelas thinks that Anna being dead forever was Gabriel'sfault since he killed her, and Jackson's because they didn't understand whyLeelas wanted to bring her back and they didnt stop their father from killing her. If Jackson loved her too, wouldn’t he want to bring her back as well?
enter years of emotional manipulation
Gabriel passed his title to Jackson, who was now moreserious and cold
i like to think that Gabriel was not aware of what Leelaswas doing? or i just havent thought that far yet or he thought that Jackson, suddenly giving up theiraloofness, was taking his inheritance seriously
Gabriel eventually did die, leaving Leelas' curse up toJackson who decided to not remove it thinking Leelas did not earn the right to have it removed. 
enraged, Leelas manipulated Jackson to go to Earth as a kindof 'prove your perfection to me' thing
enter Ignizen Vasseur thats another long story.
basically, ignizen was the one who told jackson that hesuffered through years of abuse due to something that was not his fault
and jackson just. kinda broke?
broke down in a sense
because for years he thought that he could have preventedLeelas from doing that, prevented Anna's death by trying harder and not beingstupid, got gabriel's attention sooner, thought Jackson was not good enough andwas an after thought since Leelas fell
so thats where this image comes into play.
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riotatthemovies · 4 years ago
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Today we have a true wildman, maverick of low budget film Joel D Wynkoop. Let's get in the mindset of an actor, an actor's actor. An American Brian Blessed without the beard you could say (imagine Joe D Wynkoop as Hawkman and let that sink in) . To you regulars here at Riot at the movies you will remember Joel from 2019s Terrible Two Day fest where he closed the weekends events by appearing in Clownado as the cowboy pilot. Then just before screenings shut down in the first week for March 2020 we saw him again in the first film of this year Terrible Two Day Fest with a small but high energy cameo at the very end of Dinogore.
Let's pretend we are a live audience talk show and give a round of applause for Joel D Wynkoop.
Riot: Joel you are known as a high energy guy, what do you think or even what do you hope are people's first impressions of you?
WYNKOOP:      Well I hope they like my performances.  There are some that just flat out say "He yells too much!" I even had an actress tell me "Stop yelling at me, you're always yelling at me" but what she didn't get is that was the idea in the movie, the Sheriff(Played by me was yelling) but she got her feelings hurt and asked me not to yell at her.  "But....I'm supposed too." I told her...anyway the director pulled her aside and explained to her "...this is not real life and we were pretending" and she still didn't get it, so the director told me "don't yell at her too much."  Aside from the yelling and the out of control antics of a lot of my characters, I also want to be known as the actor that can do serious stuff too.  I have done parts that when they were done or in the middle of where the audience was crying because I was going for that emotional touch.  I have done things that scare the audience, not to mention my co stars.                          My wife, before I knew her, we had just met and we did a very emotional scene when I was in her face yelling at her, later the director said to her "You were great you really looked scared." and she said "I was scared, he is a scary guy when he yells... I thought he was going to hit me."  But I can also do comedy where people may say "Man Wynkoop was so funny in that" or "Mannnn Wynkoop was so annoying in that" in each case that is what I was going for.                                In my latest movie "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" I think people are going to say the latter because the character I do is annoying....but funny...I hope.  If they don't like me right away or there's someone out there going "Wynkoop sucks, his movie's suck"  I hope people make their own decisions if they like me or not.
Riot: Let's look back at your early break into low budget films. Which character do you relate to the most, Steve Nekoda the religious, confused martial arts man of action from Lost Faith or do you deep down feel a little more fucked up like Dan Hess from Wicked Games or maybe even worse the officer in Dirty Cop No Donut? Or is that just crazy ? If you don't feel you personally relate to them, who was your favorite character to play?
WYNKOOP: Just doing Steve Nekoda, Dan Hess or Gus Kimble I think I am a little of all of them in real life.  One time... well more then once in my life...real life...I have had to step in and protect someone like Steve Nekoda would, other times I have been the smart ass like Gus Kimble and his brand of justice where I have said things like (When someone is too close to me, I mean right on my ass) I turn to them and say "Are you gonna propose?" and they say "No" then I say "Then get off my ass!"                        More than once I have stood up for somebody... one time I told two guys to leave the premises because the girl inside the store was scared of them.  The one guy then said to me.  "You got a problem with me?"  I said "No, I don't have a problem with you, but you're gonna have a problem with me if you don't leave now!"  He started to move towards me. I went into a striking stance and his buddy grabbed him and said  "Let's go man." and they left.  The cops told me later "Don't be the hero just call us next time, we have guns."                      Dan Hess pushed in his Truth or Dare world, is me when I get annoyed in traffic.  Someone cut me off I exploded in rage, he saw me in his mirror cursing him, he stopped his car and jumped out and came after me, I jumped out of my car and yelled at the top of my lungs "Don't FUCK with me man!!"   He got back in his car and left and I did the same.  Hey, I'm not perfect!  
                     Again Steve Nekoda. I am a Christian yes, I swear, I'm sorry, were all human. I will stop and pray with someone at the drop of a hat.  I have ran charity events for people struggling with medical bills.  I will offer you some money if they are hard up...not scammers!  So I guess I am a little of all of my characters.  Nick Hazzard, Dan Hess, Steve Nekoda, Parsons Cooper, Angus Lynch, Tie-Ree, Cope Ransom and a lot more.                         Favorite character?  I think all of them.  I loved Steve Nekoda cause he is like a superhero, Parsons Cooper is turned into a sci-fi superhero.                          Dan Hess is fun because he is an average guy with a messed up life.  Angus Lynch was fun to play because he was just psycho!  Same with Gus Kimble from the Dirty Cop movies.  They are all fun to play, I just can't lock one particular one down.  They're all fun...CLOWNADO?  I loved playing that character "HAWK" for Todd Sheets!!  It was a fun role to play and Todd really let me run with it.  Little easter eggs too in one line almost under my breath you here my character HAWK say "I'm just about to watch a Todd Sheets Joel Wynkoop double feature, those guys kill me."  Yeah I love them all!
Riot: I am honestly imagining you doing a remake of Falling Down (the Micheal Douglas movie) just so I can see you super red faced getting angry in your car and flipping out at the traffic. You have like a dozen, if not more projects on the go at any time. How's Covid treating you? Are you going stir crazy or getting some stuff done on the side? I hope the conventions come back and people can get copies of all these movies as well.
WYNKOOP: Covid?  We are dealing with it.  If the law, Government or whatever wants you to wear masks just wear the mask.  It's not that big a deal.  Yes it annoys me but I wear it because it is the law and you're keeping people and yourself safe.  You know what?  I knew a guy that was a nudist and he told me "Joe, I don't know why we have to wear these, these clothes, I should be able to walk around unencumbered and free, there's nothing wrong with my body, I should be allowed to walk around nude, go into the store, go to the movies, I feel like I am being persecuted against because I cannot be free and naked."  Well guess what?   That is what everyone is saying about wearing their masks...are you comfortable with people walking around naked in your grocery store, pet store, church, movie theater, everywhere you go?  I'm not.     I think if we are told to wear masks then wear them.  It's "NOT" being sheep, you're being smart.  If you don't believe in it... go up to a stranger and say (With your mask on) "Please hack up all over me because I don't believe in the Corona Virus... try and let spit come out of your mouth too cause I don't believe in it so I won't get it!"  Then pull your mask down so you can inhale all that virus you think is "NOT" there.  People say more people die from the flu then Corona?  Really?  Personally I don't know any of my friends that have died from the flu...BUT I Have had at least 10 friends die of the CoronaVirus in the last two months.  As of writing this tonight I just found out two more of my friends caught the Corona Virus because they let someone in their home and now they have it.  If you don't believe in it then you don't believe the Earth is round.                     Stir Crazy?  Nah!  If we need to get out it is because of the news.  The world is really messed up now and it is all the same stories over and over again.  The riots were terrible!!!!!!  Anyway when it gets too much we go for a ride in the van.  I just want to make movies. I can't change anything, I'm not magic.   I'll  just continue to make movies.  Also I am editing my new movie now called THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT which never would have happened if it were NOT for the Corona Virus, I started this movie cause everyone was told to stay home, it was mandatory here! Curfew was enforced.  So I asked my wife Cathy, "Hey just shoot me talking to the camera."  Now spin it around so it looks like I am talking to myself as my counterpart and THAT is how The Craiglon Incident originated.  It is now like two hours long in my timeline waiting to be completed.  If there was no virus there would have been no CRAIGLON INCIDENT".                    But just editing the movie keeps me plenty busy! PLUS I ask people if they are interested in being a producer or executive producer of either or both my movies "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" or "BEAST MODE"(A movie we started with Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman but was shut down because of Covid) people can contact me and become producers and executive producers just by purchasing some of my movies...It's a great way to get some entertainment and build your IMDB!!!!                       Conventions YES!!!  Me too.  So many have been shut down at the last moment.  We even had Tampa Bay Screams here that was slated in August but it has been moved to March 2021 and we don't even know if that will happen.  Yes I miss it!!  More than selling the flicks I like meeting everyone that comes to the shows.  That's why I continue to do things on Facebook and make movies and sell online to keep my name out there so folks don't forget about me.  I don't think I would be comfortable doing a show right now anyway, not the way things are. I have had two shoots lately, one a TV show and one a rap video and I was nervous the whole time hoping I didn't get anything from anyone.  But yes it would be nice to get the world back to normal, well, not even normal... BETTER THAN NORMAL...hey that's a good name for a TV show..."Hey brother what are you doing next Wednesday night?"  "Me, oh not much I'm gonna check out that new TV show...what's it called, oh yeah...BETTER THAN NORMAL".
Riot: Let this be a reminder to my regular Canadian viewers and readers of just how freaking lucky we are up here. I love America for many things but for my health situation I wouldn't trade places with you Joel for the world. Thanks for being so open with us. Ok, How do you feel your films have dated over the years? The projects you've done with Tim Ritter seem to have just as strong a twisted fan base as always if not more these days.
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WYNKOOP:     I think they hold up fine.  You have to remember when Tim Ritter and I started there was no CGI in indie movies.  It was all practical effects, if you wanted blood you made it and threw it on the actor you couldn't say "Hey put a blood splat there and make it look real with your CGI effects."  Nothing wrong with CGI it is just we didn't have that then. Also editing wasn't on your home computer with Movie Maker and Premiere... (They didn't exist when Tim and I broke into this, in fact some places have credited Tim and I  have been credited with the whole direct to video happening.)...  it was rent an edit bay with big 3/4 machines and shuttle the tape back and forth... In the beginning for Tim and myself, Tim and I use to edit on cutting boards with splicing tape.  You scratched your effects into the actual film.                           I remember putting "The Eight Million Dollar Boy Meets The Invisible Transport Boy" together, splicing it all together, it was an hourlong and it was hard to do that 50 feet at a time.  But yeah a lot of people are like "Yeah I remember TRUTH OR DARE man that was cool!" Even Elijah Wood on all the late night shows was talking about how much he loved "TRUTH OR DARE"!  "LOST FAITH" has got that same kind of attention, a lot of people really love it.  BUT like all our movies... some hate them, some love them.  I'll take the love over the hate... but you have to accept it all.       Believe it or not I learned this philosophy from Marvel Team Up.  Spiderman had just stopped the Basilik and was handing him over to the cops and Spidey said "Here you go officer, although I don't know why you would want him?" and the cop said "All part of the job wall crawler, you take the bad with the good."  And that is how I take everything, especially reviews.  You take the bad with the good.                               So yeah I think they hold up...I had a friend when STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION came out and he was like "Oh the original sucked the effects are much better in NEXT GENERATION"   Well "No Duh" I told him... it's like 30 some years later but STAR TREK is still a classic show!!  It still holds up today, the stories are great and I love the effects... yes the upgrades are awesome but always classic "Star Trek".  There is always gonna be a better format... pretty soon movies will be like holograms and we'll be being punched in the face by the characters in the movies. Technology changes everything so you have to give them credit for the era they were made.                                    The people that love Twisted Illusions movies and my movies are AWESOME.  I divide the two because Tim and I have done alot together as Twisted Illusions and I in turn have done a lot under Wynkoop Productions and joined the two over the years. I am still a part of Twisted Illusions with Tim and he with me in Wynkoop Productions it is two small companies just trying to entertain people.                                   We are BOTH very fortunate to have the nice people we do enjoying all of our movies and we will never forget that.  I get Facebook requests all the time and I ask them "What made you want me as a friend?" and they 90% always say "I saw your movies in High School" or "I saw you in Truth Or Dare"or "I loved you in Dirty Cop No Donut" and they all say "What are you doing now?".  In fact every time I think I am going to quit I get a Facebook from someone saying "I love your movies please don't stop making them." and I never will until GOD calls me home.  Even then when I am gone, I hope people keep watching all my movies I have done with Tim and the ones I have done and the ones we have collaborated on.  To the ones out there that watch our stuff I hope we are entertaining you because that is all we want to do, 'cause we sure arn't getting rich from it.
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Joel Getting Tough in The Other Side
Riot: You do the whole package, acting, directing, producing. What makes low budget filmmaking still a passion for you and what are some of the things these days that frustrate you the most?
WYNKOOP: Frustrate me the most?  Editing.  I will have a whole scene in my timeline and the power goes out, I hit the wrong key and delete stuff, lightning hit the house and fries it, lightning turns out our power and I lose it.  It freezes up as I am editing and I have to wait an hour for it to fix itself.  When it says "SAVE" I hit no.  I make mistakes when I am tired while I am editing and boom I do something wrong and it is gone and I have to start all over again.  There have been problems when I was editing my TV show I was putting in the last minute touches and lost the whole thing and had to start over from the beginning again.  Frustrating!  I keep working at it no matter what.  I like to act in all I can.  When I don't have anything that is when I say it's time to make my own movie, although in this case of "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" it was because of Covid 19.  I'd like to make more money at it but doesn't everyone?
So as you can tell I sneak more then one question in at a time and I'm glad you took the time to shoot the shit with us. I hope 2021 means we get to go crazy and make all the weirdest and wildest movies we all can think of and I look forward to seeing what you got to throw at us. Thanks again. Stay Awesome.
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Also Check out Joel in Lycanimator made by our Ontario buddy Seb Godin (also of Dinogore), get the vhs horror boobs made for Wild Eye Releasing , its better then the dvd.
WYNKOOP:  Thank you all for taking the time and showing some interest in this old guy!!!!  It is appreciated, thank you to everyone on your staff and everyone reading this article... thank you all so much and to see what I am doing please seek me out on Facebook under Joel D. Wynkoop.  Thank you!
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oxatouchofthewickedxo · 5 years ago
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Saturn’s Return
this post is more for my own benefit bc my memory sucks so you can stop reading now if ya want.
so a while back when i watched parks and recreation all the way through for the first time, i got very intrigued by the conversation that donna and april had about the concept of saturn’s return. which if you don’t know, saturn will return to the exact spot it was when you were born around 27-29 years later. apparently this is a time for rebirth and renewal as well as a shedding of your child self so you can begin the process of growing up and becoming an adult.
not too long after that, i happened to be really paying attention to the lyrics of “the grudge” by tool in which maynard talks about saturn ascending and forcing you to make a choice in your life. didn’t really do much research on it at the time because i was actually in the bath tub while listening to it and like i said, my memory is terrible so by the time i got out and got dressed, it slipped my mind.
last night, my best friend came over to my fiance & i’s house and somehow this concept of saturn’s return came up in conversation which sparked the tool song in my head again. i began to look into it and apparently this theory is extremely prevalent in the land o’ tool. i’m just gonna list the things that may be all in my head but considering maynard and the insanity of all that tool is, i highly doubt it:
1. at least 2 songs have this concept as a theme: the grudge and jambi
2. 10,000 days is the title of an album as well as a song. saturn’s return takes roughly 10,000 days.
3. opiate came out in 1992, 10,000 days came out in 2006, and fear inoculum came out this year, 2019. so in my opinion, opiate is like the birth of tool, 10,000 days come out 14 years later which suggests they are midway through their journey as a band, then in 2019 which is 27 years later, saturn returns and tool as we know them have reached their peak. so i believe that if tool does in fact make another album after this, they may not be the tool we are all used to. 
4. lateralus is 78 minutes and 51 seconds long. 78 minus 51 is 27.
5. the grudge is 8 minutes and 36 seconds long, 36-8 is 28.
please note that i do realize that lateralus came out before 10,000 days but i am just pointing out the constant use of these numbers throughout the band’s history. if i didn’t know maynard the way that i do, i would think these were all just coincidences but i have learned so many times throughout the last 9 years that there literally are NO coincidences in this band. everything has meaning. LITERALLY everything.
as far as my personal experiences with saturn’s return, i truly believe this is a real thing. my fiance was 28 years old when we met in 2010 and he turned 29 3 months later. this was a time of internal struggle, self discovery, and straight up insanity for him. he had been using crack for about 4 years at this point and was at this precipice with it where he literally hated how the drug made him feel but his addiction would get the best of him every time and he would end up using. however, something came over him one day and he decided that he wasn’t going to let this happen anymore so he voluntarily went to rehab and he came home a new man. sure, there have been a couple of slip ups here and there, but no binges and definitely a different type of regret afterwards. literally from that moment that he made his mind up to better himself, he has been a completely different person. he is the most incredible human being i know and i am so grateful for whatever clicked in his brain to make him change.
flash forward to now and i am currently 29 years old and the last 4 months have been the most life shaping ones of my life. on august 13th of this year i got fired from my job. 2 weeks later, the cops showed up at our house looking for me. luckily, i had literally just left 5 minutes before this so i didn’t end up in jail. turns out there was a warrant out for my arrest due to a driving under suspension charge i had gotten in may when i got pulled over for speeding. i had absolutely no idea my license was suspended by the way. but anyway, i completely forgot to go to my court date and for some reason, they never sent me anything about the rescheduled one so hence the warrant. due to the fact that not only was i unemployed, but also the cops showed up twice in one day, my fiance’s grandparents told him i could no longer live in our house which we rent from them and is behind theirs. they are super old school so the minute anything like this happens, they think the worst. i had nowhere else to go, so i in the blink of an eye was homeless. prior to losing my job, i had been going to the methadone clinic for over a year in order to get off heroin. because i could no longer afford my methadone, i immediately fell back in with my heroin dealer who was like my big brother, so instead of giving me dope for money, he gave me dope for rides to work. so here i was, homeless, back on heroin, and completely uncaring and oblivious to the shit hole i had dug for myself. all of this led to me driving 2.5 hours to my father’s house on october 11th. i came completely clean with my dad, told him about all the horrible things i had been doing over the last few years, and begged him to let me stay with him for a while in order to get my shit together which i thought was very doable since i was no longer in my city around drugs and enablers. instead though, my dad’s solution was to ship me off to a 12 MONTH LONG FAITH BASED “recovery program.” i should add that i do not believe in the christian god at all and think that organized religion is a joke and he knows this about me. to make matters worse, they also did not allow me to have ANY correspondence with my fiance who i have been with for 9 years and has been my ONLY support system during this time. i am talking no phone calls, no visits, and not even letters back and forth. as if all that wasn’t enough to make me want to kill myself, they also didn’t offer any type of medically assisted detox. i was told all that would be available to me was ibuprofen, rest, and water. if you’ve never gone through opiate withdrawal, then you have no freaking clue about the hell that i was about to be in for. i can’t even put what dope sickness feels like into words. it is literally the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. there’s a lyric from the highly suspect song “bath salts” that kind of describes it perfectly....”6 AM, there goes the moon, i feel like death is coming soon & oh, all i wanna do is fucking sleep.” which is about damn right because you feel like you are dying and no matter what you do, you can’t sleep. no amount of downers or sleeping pills can calm those restless legs bruh. but anyway...i am getting off track. i knew going into this bullshit that i wasn’t going to make it. not because of me wanting to use again, but because i was going to have jesus literally crammed down my throat and the absence of matthew from my life for a year was just NOT going to happen. adding insult to injury, the day i went into this god forsaken place was october 14th, ONE FUCKING DAY before our 9 year anniversary. the only thing i even wanna say about my time at this place right now was that they are satists because they would only give me ibuprofen, etc. once a day, i was only allowed to “rest” the first 3 days i was there and this rest was either laying across the world’s most uncomfortable chairs or on the freezing ass cold floor of a fucking church sanctuary. anyways, on the weekends we were FORCED to go all over the east coast in small groups to fundraise in order to “earn our keep”...we had to do this for 13 hours a day every friday and saturday. fast forward to my 2nd weekend there and my 2nd day of my 2nd fundraiser. i’m not sure what came over me, but something inside me snapped. i reached my “i cannot take this shit anymore” point. we went inside the walmart we were fundraising at and i stole one of those small personal boxes of wine, went into the bathroom, and shotgunned the fuck out of this thing. once we were back outside at our table, i waited until it was my turn to “man” the table and my leader’s turn to “work the door” and i went into her bookbag & stole the $550 we had raised the day before. i then asked her if i could go get my tennis shoes out of the van and when i did that, i also grabbed my id and social security card out of my wallet. a couple of minutes later, i asked for a bathroom break which we were not allowed to take alone, so as soon as she went inside a stall, i turned around and ran like a crazy person out of that store & across the street to metro pcs to get a cell phone. after that, i went to walgreens where i got a prepaid debit card and ordered a lyft to a hotel where i got a room for the night. once i got settled, i first made plans with my dealer to come home and get up with him. we looked into me taking a lyft home but that would have cost $200 so we decided i would wait til the morning and take a bus. not sure what it was but something kept telling me that it was a horrible idea to do all of that. it kept getting stronger and when my gut talks to me like that, i listen, so i knew i needed a plan b. i don’t know what put this thought in my head, but i decided to call this guy i had worked with a few years ago. i worked at a pest control company as a schedule coordinator and he was one of the technicians i scheduled for. we lived in different states, about 4 hours away from one another, but we talked on the phone constantly obviously. during the time i worked there, we grew incredibly close and even after i stopped working there, we maintained a relationship and anytime he had to come to my city, which is where the corporate office is located, we would get together. in 2016, i even cheated on my fiance with him. this kid was head over heels in love with me, but i never felt the same way, but me being my typical bitchy self, i preyed on that to my advantage. he and i hadn’t spoken since shortly after we hooked up in 2016, but he literally jumped in his car the moment i asked and was on the way to come get me. unfortunately, his car broke down on the interstate like 45 minutes after he left, so i ended up getting a bus ticket to where he lives the next morning. he came and got me at the bus station and all of a sudden, i was in a different state, 4 hours from home, and living with a man who was not my fiance whom at this point i hadn’t even called yet. i was terrified to tell him about what i had done because i was so ashamed. i didn’t want to disappoint him yet again because at this point, that’s all i was doing. fast forward to 2 weeks later and my fiance found out that i had decided i was going to stay where i was and be with this other dude because i had convinced myself i didn’t need him and that i was living my best life, so of course, he stopped talking to me and said he was done. for 5 days, i didn’t try to contact him or even look at my phone, but one night while the new guy was at work, i was laying in bed watching how i met your mother and seeing marshall and lily made me miss my fiance on a physically painful level. so, i finally caved and turned my phone on even though i knew that any communication from him was going to be negative and horribly mean. instead though, i only had one message from him and it was the sweetest msg ever saying he was going to always love me and be waiting for me if i wanted him, but he wasn’t going to interfere with my happiness if this new dude made me happy. i immediately called him and we stayed on the phone for 2 hours during which we made the plan for him to come rescue me. that was on a tuesday and we planned for him to come pick me up the following monday. those were the longest 5 days of my life. when we finally were together again, he picked me up, i wrapped my legs around him, and we kissed. it was at that moment i knew that he is my fucking home. there will never be anyone for me but him. those 37 days without him were the most agonizing days of my life and i swear i will never be away from him again. 
so to bring this to a close, my saturn’s return literally returned me to my home in the literal and figurative sense. i have learned more about myself and about what life is about in the last 4 months than i ever have in my 29 years of life. things are far from perfect right now, but i am somehow at peace because for once, i listened to my heart instead of trying to please everyone else. i can’t explain to you the realizations i have come to in these last few weeks, but i am beyond clear headed and i know without a doubt i did the right thing for my sanity. this saturn’s return shit is real and is no fucking joke.
PS....AS OF 12/12/19, I WILL BE OFF OF OPIATES FOR 2 MONTHS AND THAT IS THE LONGEST CLEAN TIME I HAVE HAD FROM THEM IN 8 FUCKING YEARS SO AYYYYYYE! lol
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zankivich · 6 years ago
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Teacher’s Pet: A College AU Chapter 8
This chapter is super long, but I couldn't find a better place to end it so like.... hope you enjoy long shit? If you’re enjoying the story so far let me know. If it sucks also let me know. If you wanna be added to the tag list let me know. Basically just let me know. :) 
And there’s smut if that’s a thing you need to be warned of....
Also TW: homophobia/slur 
Chapter 8
*Shawn’s point of view*
When he woke up she was already awake, quietly scrolling through her phone while he slept. He stretched and cracked his bones with a yawn before shuffling over to her side of the bed and squishing himself into her space. She simply moved to accommodate his large body, allowing him to lay his head upon her chest, which happened to be the softest thing he’d ever laid his head on in his whole life. He had grown so used to sleeping beside her that their three or so days of “fighting” had been sleepless and angsty. It was awful.
“What are you doin’?” He mumbled watching her instagram feed one picture at a time.
She smirked. “Not watching you sleep like some creeper, unlike others I know.”
“Very funny.” He grinned peering over at her. “Anyone ever tell you you’re really beautiful in the morning.”
She snorted and it was so cute, he wanted to die.
“Eye boogers and all huh? You’ll be happy to know you look like a rolling stone cover regardless. And yes it is as frustrating as you might think.”
He chuckled watching her for a few minutes. He knew he could have watched her forever, but there were definitely better ways to utilize their time.
“So are you attached to the whole instagram scrolling thing, or could I persuade you to do something else?”
She raised an eyebrow at him already throwing her phone onto the nightstand.
“What did you have in mind, sir?”
He rolled over on top of her pulling her body close to his through the sheets. They quickly got to kissing and biting at each other working themselves into a frenzy. This time everything in his being was telling him to take it slow, to give himself fully and entirely to her. When she wrapped her legs around his back and breathed his name in his ear like a prayer, he found himself getting lost in her body, in her voice, in her soul. He delved deep into her and liked everything that he saw. It was beautiful to be with her, to exist in-between her thighs where it felt like he belonged. It was more than just sex, it felt like completion, like an evolution was taking place. He grabbed onto her hips driving himself home over and over again, not with the goal of just an orgasm, but with the goal of letting her know that he was fully and entirely her’s in every way.
It was a completely different experience in a culture that told men to dominate women and make them theirs. How could he not want every part of himself to belong to her, when she made him feel this way? She had given him something so entirely precious and important. He didn’t want anything but for her to see his love and his heart on a silver platter if she needed. Not out of competition, or masculinity, or anything other than that he loved her terribly.
He had gotten completely lost in the moment when it came. She was pulling him deeper into her, sucking at his neck, and moaning the most incredible things in his ear. He’d been building to something really special for the both of them, when his phone began to ring and their bubble was miraculously popped.
“Don’t you dare answer that.” She gasped legs tightening around him.
“Wait, wait,” He mumbled breathlessly, digging through the messy sheets. “Just let me see who it is.”
“I hate you so fucking much right now.”
He shuffled around causing tiny moans and groans form each of them as they were still connected. When he finally got to the phone his whole world sank, because she most definitely was not going to be happy.
“You’re gonna hate me even more, but it’s my mom and I have to take it. She gets pissed when I don’t answer.”
His girlfriend was incredulous. “You are literally impaling me right now! I am sure Mama Mendes would understand.”
“I mean I would’ve called it something much more romantic like making love, or literally anything else other than something synonymous with stabbing you!”
She chuckled, but was otherwise unmoved.
“I’m sorry I’m not poetic enough for you, Shawn.”
“It’s not about being poetic, but I’d like to think we’re doing something kinda beautiful over here! At least more beautiful than ‘impaling’. Impaling you? I’m trying to create a moment over here, and that’s the best you could come up with?” He huffed.
“Look, what do you say we give each other a couple of orgasms, and then I’ll go cook breakfast while you call your mom back and tell her you were studying or whatever you good Christian boys do.”
He sighed. “I’m not Christian...Not practicing anyway.”
“Shawn...I love you but please fuck me before my vagina shrivels up from this conversation.”
Ultimately, his mom would always be there, but his girlfriend might very well kill him. So, he let the phone ring and dove back under the covers, his girlfriend already grabbing at his ass and moving him back to the position that was sure to get her where she needed to go. It was wonderful to watch her when it happened. Her nose got really red and her chest would grow flush. She always tried to cover her mouth to keep the sound in, and he would just as quickly move her hand and intertwine their fingers because he loved the way that she sounded. She would pull incessantly at his hair until it was just the right side of painful and shove her face into his neck to try to mask the loudest of the sounds when her orgasm would hit. Sometimes she would scream into his skin and he could actually feel the vibrations of her passion. If he wasn’t already on the edge, that was sure to get him there. His fingers dug into her ass, holding her against him as he emptied into the condom. They could both barely breathe after, collapsing in a sweaty, tangled heap as if they’d destroyed each other.  
“At what point do we win an award for that?” He huffed ten minutes later, kissing her cheek as he shuffled out of bed to dispose of the condom.
She laughed following him into the bathroom to shower
“I think somewhere between orgasm three and four.” She suggested. “I’ll make sure to get you a trophy asap.”
She had tied her hair in a bun and moved past him to step into the shower after stopping to use the bathroom. He could see her through the door and there really wasn’t ever a moment when she wasn’t the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. She caught him staring as she was soaping herself up and smiled at him through the glass.
“I thought you needed to call your mother?” She asked innocently.
He, however was already stepping into the shower behind her.
“My mom would want me to be clean, first.”
It was another hour before he even made it to his phone, and that was only because she finally left to go cook breakfast giving his hormones some time to calm down. He opted for a facetime thinking it would make up for the missed call.  His mom picked up on the first ring, which really wasn’t a good sign if you knew his mom.
“Shawn, how nice of you to pick up!”
He winced. “Yea… Sorry Mom, I was in the shower when you called.”
“I called you over an hour ago, Shawn. What kind of showers are you taking in California? Aren’t you all supposed to be in the middle of a drought.”
He couldn’t help but chuckle. His mom was the coolest in the world, but she worried endlessly about him being in a different country from her for undergrad. She was insistent on him living him in Pickering again as soon as he was finished, and he’d yet to have the heart to tell her his plan was to hopefully move to Toronto instead. There was also a potential plan to stay in Cali for another year to do the music thing, which had been seeming a lot stronger given his current relationship.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m calling now. How are things? Aaliyah and Dad okay?”
“Everything’s fine here. Your sister is taking three AP classes, and she’s doing wonderful in all of them. Your father is fine. He’s working overtime to make sure he can get the time off for your performance. We’re all doing great, sweetie.”
“That’s great. I miss you guys, so much.” He grinned. “Can’t wait for you to hear the new music.”
“Yea? You’re inspired out there, aye?”
He smiled a smile that had only started appearing on his face that semester, and for a very specific reason.
“I am. I think I’m creating the best stuff I’ve ever made.”
“Hmmm.”
That was a sound his mom made only in times when he was about to get chewed out. He only recognized it because the look on her face wasn’t much better to boot. There wasn’t even a chance to do damage control before she was confronting him.
“That’s not your bedroom. I should I know, I bought your sheets after all.”
He peered back at the still messy sheets he’d destroyed with his girlfriend just hours prior, and his tongue began to dry in his throat.
“Y--Yea. You know, about that--”
“Oh save it, Shawn. Your father already told me, what you refused to call and tell me yourself, sir. You’re in love. You’ve fallen in love, and weren’t going to tell me of all people?”
He rolled his eyes playfully. “Mom I was going to tell you. I would never keep something like that from you. I’ve just been a little preoccupied with classes, and performing, and you know I booked a gig at an even bigger venue for the same week you guys here. I thought you and dad could come and see it.”
“I will not be distracted from the issue at hand, Shawn! I want to meet her.”
His mom never yelled and that somehow only made it worse, because her voice just sounded disappointed instead.
“I’d love for you to meet her!��
“Wonderful, go get her.”
His life flashed before his eyes of him as a vision of him introducing his mother to his girlfriend while she was dressed in nothing but one of his hoodies played out. Not likely.
“Mom. I’m not introducing you guys through facetime. You can meet her when you come to town. And please don’t… you know, scare her? She’s important.”
His mom huffed at him. “What am I, a monster? I’m not gonna scare the girl, I just wanna meet her.”
“Woman.”
“Excuse me?”
“She’s a woman. Not a girl. You probably wouldn’t say you wanna meet the boy, you’d say man. Girl is like… it just shapes the way we view women in comparison with men, so it’s cooler if we say women ya know?” He smiled sheepishly. “Feminism class, remember?”
“Well good for you. Maybe that class can teach you to call your mother every now and again.”
He laughed knowing that all was forgiven. His mom could never stay mad at him for long. By the time he got off the phone, not before promising to call again sometime that week, everything was okay again. In two weeks his family would be in town, and they knew him better than anyone. He had known that this relationship had made him happier than he’d been in years, maybe since he’d discovered music could actually help his mental state. But, now the people who had seen him before, would get to see him after. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that they would adore her, but his fear was that they would see just how hopelessly gone he was. No one had ever had that kind of power over him, and he figured it was better that she know before his mother, who very much would, brought it up.
In the kitchen, she was listening to music on the speaker and bobbing her head while she was frying bacon in a pan. He wormed his arms around her waist from behind dropping a kiss on her shoulder and on her neck as she cooked.
“Sorry, I don’t have any Canadian bacon. Hope this is good enough.” She grinned.
He smirked. “I think I’ll manage. Can we talk for a minute?”
“Sure. Everything okay?”
“Yea, everything’s great.” He released her body sliding up onto the counter space instead. “Just never got to talk about last night, with the ‘I love you’ thing.”
“Oh...Well you don’t have to say anything more. You didn’t even have to say it back really.” She shrugged awkwardly.
He peered over at her as she tried to pretend her bacon was super interesting.
“I get that you’re not super comfortable with the whole feelings talk, but I am. And if you give me a chance I think I could make you comfortable with it too.”
She looked up at him with a smile. “Alright, give it your best shot, superstar.”
He smiled back at her, his whole heart feeling big and warm when she was in his line of vision. The words came tumbling out of him without fail, because how could he not want this woman to know how he felt?
“Well what I wanted to say last night was . . . I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before. Which means I’ve never had my heart broken, but I’ve also never given myself fully to someone. And what I would’ve told you whether we had the fight or not, or whether you said you loved me first is that...I don’t know how to give you anything less than all that I am. It’s not conscious, it’s not an effort at all. I just want you in every way and I want to satisfy every need and want you could ever have. I guess I just--I’m really into you. I’m in love with you, and I don’t think I could stand for that not to be on the table, just in case you don’t feel the same.”
She seemed to stare through him again, leaving him feeling naked and exposed before her eyes. His heart was truly in his hand, gaping wound and all. She could either take it and nurture it, or stomp on it. And that was the scariest thing he’d ever experienced in his whole life. But he’d rather die than not let her know how he felt.
She moved the bacon off of the burner, turning the stove off and stepping in between his legs. Hers hands trailed up his bare arms and up to his neck holding his face in her hands. When she kissed him, it was sweet and soft, soulful like she was feeding him with her lips. She placed her hand upon her chest as if to heal the nonexistent wound.
“I’m not gonna hurt you, Shawn.” She murmured. “And if I was poetic at all, I would tell you I’ve been with a lot of shitty people in my life. And maybe I loved some of them, and maybe I didn’t, but I’ve never had this with anyone else. I love that you like the gym even if I have never wanted to go somewhere less in my life.”
He chuckled far aware of her aversion to exercise outside of the bedroom, but found himself softening at her words as he slid his hands lovingly along her waist..
“ And I love that you hum in your sleep, and this one fucking curl that always falls in your face, and I love that you take care of me. No one ever has. Maybe I’ve never let anyone. But, I’m in okay? All in. And you never have to wonder if you’re in deeper because I’m right here with you. Always.”
He smiled, his arms and legs coming to wrap around her. He held her in his arms and kissed the living daylights out of her, his tongue feeling like heaven in her mouth. There weren’t words to thank her, so they just stood there instead, food growing cold as they got lost in one another. It was kind of perfect.
* * *
“Alright guys can anyone tell me anything about the difference between second wave and third wave feminism?”
He raised his hand, only because for once he actually knew the answer. The good thing about dating the TA was you got lots of practice outside of class….although what you were practicing differed greatly.
“Shawn.” She said professionally, because they were professional in the classroom dammit.
“Well second wave started in the sixties right? So it was during the civil rights movement and lot of it was about getting women out of the home and expanding their roles in society. That’s where the fight for equal pay in the workforce comes from. And then third wave is kind of like broader isn’t it? It was less focused on any one specific thing and more on just getting people to talk about feminism.”
“Yea, that’s a really great start. Thank you, Shawn.” She smiled only slightly cheeky. “Third wave gets kind of hard for people to define because it was such a broad way of looking at feminism. It really began to question our notions of gender and the roles we take on because of it. So this is where we get a very liberative movement of reclaiming whether that be with high heels and lipstick and very ultra-feminine things, as well as women who were saying that they wanted to remain in the home with their children and that that wasn’t inherently anti-feminist at all. But the reason why third-wave is slightly more progressive, though I would argue not nearly progressive enough in the most mainstream of circles is because we’ve started to focus on feminism for everyone. Whereas feminism began as something white, wealthy women typically only got to partake in, now trans women get to be part of that conversation. Black women and other women of color, and poor women, and women who are differently abled, are all slowly getting their seat at the table. You no longer can have a conversation about the wage gap without noticing, that white women are going to make ten, fifteen cents on the dollar of women of color. If your feminism doesn’t include women of all shapes and colors and socioeconomic statuses, you’re not doing it correctly.”
Listening to her talk was like a symphony sometimes. He’d never been a huge fan of lectures, his mind always tending to wander. But, she forced you to be engaged in a way that no one ever had. She was so easy to understand, and she made it feel like you weren’t a fucking idiot if you didn’t know something. She was passionate about everything that she taught, and therefore he couldn’t not want to learn every single thing she had to give. It was his favorite class of the entire semester, not because it was her, but because of who she was as a person.
Class eventually dismissed and as he was gathering his things together one of the guys who barely ever showed up to class felt it was his time to come up and be an asshole.
“Hey Mendes, do you find that being a bitch makes your period last longer, or does it kind of even out what with you just being a bitch all the time?” He asked.
Shawn sighed, knowing there was nothing he could say to make this dickhead actually understand how fucking lame he was. Guys like him just wanted to feel heard.
“Does that work for you, bro? Being a complete jackass? Is that really getting you where you wanna go in life?”
Frat boy scoffed. “This class is bullshit and you’re a pussy for being into it.”
“Yes because there’s nothing women find less attractive than respecting them.” Shawn grinned. “Totally makes me a pussy.”
Frat boy got angry taking a step closer. “Look here faggot if you--”
“Hey!”
They both turned to see his girlfriend with the most pissed off expression he’d ever seen on her face. She was wearing a band t-shirt they’d bought together thrift shopping with these long wide legged pants that made her look all edgy but teachery. She was so fucking cute. Jesus.
“Day one in this class we read through a non-discrimination policy that says we will respect and be kind to everyone. And that does not include fucking slurs that are the antithesis of everything this course is based on. Get the fuck out of my classroom before I have you kicked out of this course.”
It was maybe the hottest thing he’d ever seen in his whole life. And he’d seen her naked. Frat boy stormed out of the classroom leaving only them behind, and he couldn’t just not put his hands on her when she was all brimstone and sex.
“The fucking nerve of that asshole.” She muttered as he wrapped his arms around her immediately kissing at her neck.
“You’re so fucking sexy when you’re angry at someone that isn’t me.” He whimpered.
“I hate that word. That word is fucking disgusting, and people shouldn’t feel comfortable enough to use it in any setting.”
He nodded rubbing her arms soothingly. “You’re right. Better it be me who isn’t affected by it, than someone who could’ve been. Right?”
She sighed peering up at him until she released all of the anger from her system.
“Right. You’re right. Doesn’t make it fucking okay, though.”
He wrapped her up in his arms kissing at her forehead and cheeks until she smiled.
“Don’t let it ruin your day though. Are we still having lunch in your office?”
“Yes, but it needs to actually be lunch this time Shawn! I have meetings all day after this, I can’t be starving because you can’t keep it in your pants.”
He held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I’ll be good! I promise!”
*Twenty minutes later*
“Don’t fucking pull my hair, Shawn!” She gasped in between moans. “I’ve got to look presentable.”
“I’m trying babe. Shit, you feel amazing.”
He had her bent over her desk, hands on her hips as she threw her ass back at him with every thrust of his hips. It was doing wonders for how deep he could get inside of her and thus was reflecting well on her general comments on the act.
“Oh my god.” She mumbled her arms collapsing so that she was leaning on her arms against the desk thus pushing her hips further into the air. “Baby, fuck me please.”
Her voice was innocent and sickeningly sweet and it made his spine straighten as he leaned up onto his toes and rammed into her from behind. They were trying desperately to be quiet, and her moans turned silent as he began to hit the perfect spot. There was a mirror against the opposite wall that let them make eye contact, and her eyes rolled back in her head when he wrapped one hand around the back of her neck and pulled her deeper against him desperate and needy. This was quickly becoming his second favorite position in the world, and when she tightened up around him, he might have just seen stars.
“Fuck don’t do that you’ll make me cum.” He huffed hiding his face in her neck.
She reached back behind their bodies and grabbed his hip pulling him against her body.
“I want it. Give it to me.” She whimpered. “Please, Shawn?”
There is only so much a man can take.
She pulled orgasms out of him like Dumbledore pulled memories out of his own fucking head. And he never had the time to feel embarassed about coming too quick because it seemed to be her goal, the little vixen, always trying to kill him with every tightening of her muscles. When he came he held her whole entire body from behind in an attempt to not explode across the whole entire room. Her chest was heaving, face red and sated, as she collapsed against the desk once again. He quickly joined her after pitching the condom, barely having the strength to collapse in the chair and pull her onto his lap.
“Did you cum?” He asked skimming his nose along the side of her face as their bodies cooled.
Her eyes widened. “No, I’m not gonna start shooting all over my office like a sprinkler, thank you very much. I work here.”
“What? Babe you can’t just not cum! What the fuck am I even here for, if you’re not orgasming?”
“Women all over the world are fucking mediocre men and not having orgasms. I can take one for the team.” She shrugged.
He shook his head quickly dislodging her from his lap as he stood up.
“Shawn this is not that big of a deal.”
“Yes it is! Babe I have to make you cum.” He explained. “An eye for an eye. Reciprocation. All of that. How could you let me cum, and not expect the same back.”
“Sweetie, I hear you, and I really love this feminist approach you’re taking to our love making, and if it wouldn’t get me fired I’d probably give you extra credit. However, I am choosing not to orgasm for fear of soaking the entire place down. I still very much enjoy your penis inside of me and I’ve had a great time. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Funny. She’s being funny.” He muttered pulling his jeans back up his hips.
She giggled reaching for her pants.
“You gotta admit it’s a little funny.”
He rolled his eyes at her and went about grabbing his things.
“Are you really upset with me right now?” She asked as he prepared to leave.
He threw his backpack over his shoulder nearing the door.
“I’m not upset I just don’t understand why you won’t let me make you cum!” He huffed. “I’m kind of good at it. It’s one of my favorite pastimes.”
They stood there in a tense silence only for a knock to arrive on the door and suck all off the air out of the room.
“Shit.” She gasped pulling her pants with a fierceness.
Shawn remained stuck as his girlfriend quickly materialized a bottle of febreeze out of nowhere and began viciously spraying the room down with it. He could only unfreeze when he noticed the magnitude of the spray.
“So you can squirt febreeze everywhere, but god forbid I make you cum.” He mumbled.
She moved past him socking him in the chest enough to really fucking hurt.
“Get your shit together and try to look like we didn’t just have sex!” She whispered. “We will talk about this at home.”
“Whatever.” He muttered arms crossed like an aggravated child.
There was another knock on the door, and she smoothed quickly at her outfit tugging at her curls before yanking open the door in the least suspicious manner they could manage. On the other side of the door was none other than Frat Boy himself. Maybe the worst person in the world to be on the other side of the door.
“Roger. How can I help you?” She asked quickly trying to keep her voice under control.
He looked over at Shawn with an unimpressed look in his eyes refusing to talk like the fucking baby he was.
“Don’t mind me, I was just leaving. Thanks for the help, teach.” He mumbled sliding his hand protectively against the small of her back as he passed.
She’d have hit him again  if she could.
* * *
“Are Mom and Dad driving you crazy?” He asked moving through the kitchen to locate a snack.
His sister Aaliyah was on facetime and they had been catching up on loads for the past hour after he’d finished his paper for abnormal psych.
“They’re not so bad. Mom is over planning for the trip to visit you. She’s already packed and repacked three times.” She chuckled.
“She’ll be fine once she sees I’m not dead. I’ve been in school for four years, you’d think she’d get used to it by now.”
“Not exactly. She wants me to go to go school in Ontario so I can commute and stay home. Especially now that you’ve hidden your girlfriend from her, I think she thinks you’re gonna elope and run away.”
He laughed. “She tell you about that? I’m gonna need you to be on my side this weekend. The recital is stressful enough, I don’t need mom scaring off the girl I’m in love with.”
“Ooooooooo, in love huh?!” She teased. “Are you sitting in a tree, and k-i-s-s-i-n-g-ing?!”
“Hilarious.” He answered dryly. “You’ll love her when you meet her. She’s getting her masters in human sexuality. She’s like the smartest, most woke person ever. Don’t tell her I said it though, she hates that word.”
“I’ll try to keep it to myself… Is it serious, or whatever?”
He peered over at the facetime for the first time in a while having been preparing himself a sandwich.
“Yea, I think so. It’s more serious than anything I’ve ever done before.” He shrugged, cheeks warming.
“So when you graduate...would you like, not come back to Canada?”
Only his sister could ask questions that would leave him floundering and and flustered. She would of course ask him questions that he didn’t have answers to.
“I don’t know, yet. We haven’t really talked about it. She gets a little spooked by talking about feelings.”
“Mom would shit her pants if you stayed in California.” She hinted.
He sighed. “Yes, Aaliyah; I’m aware.”
“On the bright side, if you mess up this massively, I will only further my reign as the golden child!”
Best little sister ever.
“Alright punk. Text me when you guys get to the airport, aye? I’m gonna be there to pick you  up.”
He heard the front door open and smiled knowing that she was home and was coming to him, and no one else.
“Yea, yea, we’ll keep you posted.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
He closed the phone after his sister had faded away and turned as the light of his life twirled into the room. Or walked. Whatever.
“Who do you love?” She asked in loo of greeting.
He wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her in for a kiss.
“Hey. How was Fratboy dickbag?” He smirked.
She rolled her eyes. “We’re lucky he didn’t fucking hear anything. No more quickies in the office. That’s a line we never should have crossed. The guy’s weird though, he kept looking at me like a predator. I’m almost positive he doesn’t understand the line of consent.”
“Did he do something to you?” He asked standing up straighter automatically.
She smiled. “No. I’m okay. Which reminds me, who was it that you love again?”
“Besides you? My sister. She was catching me up on the Canadian drama, and my mom’s never ending packing.”
“Ahh.Yes. Parents. Family... Fun.”
He grinned. “Your enthusiasm is genuinely astounding.”
“I don’t have a good history of first impressions. I’m a generally awkward human with the mouth of a truck driver. I don’t want you to be surprised when your Canadian mother hates me.” She mumbled.
“Why does the Canadian matter?”
“Because you guys could get hit by a car and you would apologize to the driver, and take them out to lunch. I’m American, Shawn. We blame the world for our problems and take it out on everyone else. We’re kind of the worst.” She explained.
He chuckled kissing her nose in reassurance.
“They’re gonna love you. Because I love you. They’re the least judgemental people in the world, and when my mom sees the way you take care of me, she’ll want to be your best friend.”
She pouted up at him and it was so cute he wanted to die.
“I’m not exactly doing your laundry and cleaning your room. I wouldn’t call myself housewife material.”
“Exactly. But when I’m anxious you get me to focus on just one thing. And you breathe with me until I’m better. And when I’ve played the same chord for the thousandth time and finally get it right you smile at me like I’ve cured cancer. And when you’re with me, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. You take care of me in all of the ways that matter.”
She rolled her eyes sticking her chin out him like a child before a smile eventually broke through.
“Besides. I’ve done more laundry since we’ve been together than I have in my whole life. She’ll probably think you’re magic.”
“You musicians and your poetic words.” She huffed. “You’ll be the death of me.”
“But I’ll make it worth your while.” He promised kissing her chastly.
“Yea?”
“Yea...beginning with finishing what we started earlier.”
He dropped to his knees smoothly, hooking his fingers into her pants and taking them with him to the floor.
“Here?! In the kitchen?!” She gasped.
“What like we haven’t before?” He asked peering up at her with innocent eyes. “C’mon. Please?”
She huffed as he tugged at her underwear, quickly pulling them down to her ankles before settling her fingers possessively in his hair the way that he liked.
“Fuckin’ boy scout. Continue.”
He chuckled, hands grabbing at her hips as he absolutely dug in.
***
“Babe you’re sweating.” He smirked her hands slick in his own.
She groaned beating her head into his chest.
“Maybe I’ll die before they get here. Maybe that God person everyone’s always talking about will do me a solid and just take me out.”
“Even God gets to be gender neutral, aye?” He grinned kissing her hair.
She beamed up at him. “I have taught you so well. How could anyone fire me for sleeping with you, you’re practically a scholar.”
“I appreciate the sentiment. Just a heads up I didn’t tell my parents about that.”
“Well thank fuck for that. I can imagine how many strikes that would be against me.”
They waited at LAX armed with  Canadian flags and everything to welcome Shawn’s family. Despite how nervous she was, Shawn couldn’t have been more excited for his family and girlfriend to meet. His family meant the world to him. She meant the world to him. It only made sense for those two worlds to collide.
When the time finally came, and he spotted his mom with her too many suitcases, his dad and little sister slowly trailing behind, there was an excitement within him that he couldn’t explain. He loved his family endlessly and any time he got to see them was truly something special. His mom spotted him and flew into his arms squeezing him tightly, like he’d been off at war. His father clapped him on the back following it up with a bear hug, while his sister hugged him around the waist. He kissed and greeted them all, only noticing that his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen when they were all standing in front of him. She was still very much in the spot where he’d left her.
“Hey, come here.” He murmured softly reaching for her hand and pulling her into the fray.
He didn’t let go of her hand, just in case she needed that, and by the way she intertwined their fingers he had a feeling that she did.
“Family this is y/n.” He smiled staring at her with all of the adoration that he felt inside. “Y/n, this is family.”
She had wore a black dress that day with a white collar and a wide, skater skirt that went down to her knees--something about being presentable for his mom--and she messed with the skirt of it anxiously as she smiled.
“Hi. We’re very excited to have you here. It’s really wonderful to meet you all. Shawn talks a lot about you.”
He quickly took over wanting to give her the opportunity to lay low and take it all in.
“We figured we could go to lunch before you guys go to the hotel.”
“Yes please. Airplane food is horrible.” His sister sighed.
“Perfect. Let’s go!”
He grabbed for his mom’s bags, sliding one over his shoulder and pulling her suitcases. He watched as his girlfriend politely asked his father and little sister if she could carry their bags. His dad looked at her like she wasn’t speaking english and his sister seemed more than amused with the situation. When she insisted on carrying his bag, he was sure his father was going to say something ignorant and the whole world would come crashing down before they ever made it to the restaurant. But he instead gave her the bag and  linked hands with his mom as they walked instead. Crisis averted.
His parents had rented a car for the week and it was an SUV, big enough to carry the luggage that his mother thought was necessary. They drove to the asian bistro he’d taken her to for their first lunch date, and got a big table outside for everyone to sit at. His father pulled the chair out for his mother, something he’d always done, and he gave him a strange look when he didn’t do the same. His parents were wonderfully accepting people, but there seemed to be a generational gap in terms of what the expectations were in relationships. He had a feeling his dad would talk to him about it later.
His mother was kind enough to wait until they’d placed their orders before turning her stare to the two of them. He’d been whispering a joke in her ear about something that happened in class the week before, and when she finally smiled for him he’d tried to contain himself but ended up kissing her cheek anyway. Her cheeks reddened and it felt good to not be the only red faced person at the table.
“So, y/n, we’ve heard so little about you. Tell us about yourself.”
He sent his mom a look that begged her not to embarrass him, but she couldn’t have cared less.
“Well uh I’m getting my master’s in human sexuality. I’m originally from a small town in Indiana, but I moved here specifically for my program. My research is on how mental health affects Trans Women differently, more drastically actually. I’m specifically looking at trans women of color and trying to see how the intersections of race and gender negatively impact mental health due to societal forces and not personal ones? So, I’m not really all that interesting because that’s really all that I do, besides being a TA.” She shrugged.
“She’s completely underselling right now. She’s working with some of the top people in her field. She’s definitely going to get published when she’s done with her research. Everything she’s doing is incredible, and our master’s program only accepts like five people anyway. She was asked to come before she even finished undergrad.” He boasted.
She rolled her eyes at him, hating nothing more in the world than when he talked about all of the things he loved about her, which was frequent. He was just happy he could finally tell the people that mattered most about the woman that mattered most.
“You must be doing really good work then.” His mom smiled reassuringly.
“Yea, well, I just really have to do my part in elevating the voices that we purposely don’t listen to. And that’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly. It’s what matters most to me in the world, so I--I try.”
He could tell that she was getting worked up talking about it, and knowing how uncomfortable feelings made her, he threaded their fingers together under the table in reassurance.
His sister, bless her, began to talk about her AP english course, and how the class had rallied to get a more diverse offering of books than the ones from dead, white guys with too many extensive metaphors. His girlfriend didn’t take this lightly and smiled warmly at every word that she offered. Just as he expected, they immediately began talk back and forth about the things that they knew and the experiences they’d had. His mom seemed to be more than satisfied with everything she heard and they were left to have a wonderful lunch.
By the end of the meal, you couldn't even tell it was their first meeting. Whether she knew so or not, his girlfriend was kind and sweet and funny as all hell fitting in perfectly with his goofy wondrous family. When they were walking back to the car he pulled her close to him, a few steps behind his family, his arm around her shoulder.
“Okay?” He asked simply.
She smiled up at him and nodded.
“Okay.”
tag list: 
@nevermindmisha
@alltoowhalee13 @glader-groupa-sub8
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nightcoremoon · 6 years ago
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I think part of the reason why I hate horror movies is because of the overreliance on jumpscares and shock value and BWAH SUDDEN LOUD NOISES rather than on atmosphere, believability, tension, fear.
here's a list of horror movies from google and the reasons why I hate them, or why I love them, or that they're not actually horror movies.
A quiet place: haven't seen it yet but it's a thriller more so than a horror. thrillers can be scary though but then again so can comedies. and romances. 50 shades is definitely scary: it is psychological abuse after all.
Halloween: slasher film, automatically boring and shit. I'm including the entirety of the franchise here, by the way, and I'm also gonna be including Friday the 13th, nightmare on elm street, etc. They're all the same brand of sensationalist garbage. maybe the very first in each series could be redeemable but the mass volume of shitty and terrible CGI gorefests have ruined them forever. "oh no the scary unkillable monster is coming after us and he's gonna kill us in overly violent ways" 💩
Hereditary: I don't even give a shit it looks trite EDIT maybe it's okay but I don't give enough of a shit to bother to ~give it a chance~ because hey. that's what fucking horror games are for.
Insidious: boring, not scary, 0/10
Get Out: haven't watched yet but will because it's a cinematic masterpiece that defies genre conventions
Bird Box: IM SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT FUCKING BIRD BOX SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT BIRD BOX HOLY SHIT. It's just the goddamn happening by shyamagofuckyourself and it's an excuse to profit off of sensationalist suicide. oohh so spooky. eat my ass, boggart
It: too much bad cgi makes it a comedy. plus a bunch of kids say fuck a lot. good movie that's technically horror I guess but is it scary? nah.
Suspiria: I've never heard of this movie
Annihilation: same
Split: M NIGHT SHYAMALAN IS A SHITTY FILMMAKER and also it's ableist as fuck so
Mandy: google you suck none of these movies have any mainstream appeal
The Conjuring: 💩💩💩
Hush: ??? you know what fuck it I'm skipping the ones that don't matter
The Vvitch: 🙄 my mom's a witch, my best friend's a witch, I'm a witch. hey yeah maybe let's not buy into christian colonialism please? scary witches are boring as shit. gimme something actually scary. like Catholics.
The Nun: wait shit not like that! and by that I mean BORING AS HELL aside from the jumpscares. which are shit
The Babadook: clearly an LGBT movie, not horror
Cabin in the Woods: a parody and an excellent one at that. at least the gore is in homage, or hilariously over the top
Sinister: the fucking epitome of shitty jumpscares and shock value and lack of atmosphere and bad acting and bad plot and jesus fucking christ this is one of the worst and most boring movies I've ever had the misfortune to see DONT WASTE YOUR GODDAMN TIME
Saw: it's actually a thriller with Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Michael Emerson, and Tobin Bell. it's a campy cheesy low budget true to form horror film with adequate writing, good acting, AMAZING MUSIC BY CHARLIE CLOSER, and isn't over the top with gore considering it's all practical effects. top fucking notch but spawned a dozen terrible sequels.
Shaun of the Dead: it's a touching and heartfelt romantic comedy... with zombies, EXCELLENT CINEMATOGRAPHY, excellent acting, and sad parts that will rip your fucking heart out, stomp on it, and grind it to dust. literally one of the best movies ever made of all time, eat shit tarantino.
The Ring: eh, the original Japanese was better (Japanese horror is its own genre and not a part of this criticism, I actually really like original Japanese horror unfucked up by american audiences as long as it doesn't just gratuitously glorify suicide as Japan does), but this was still a really good mystery thriller with some really cool effects, and is the only movie that has ever actually scared me for real. even now I hate that there's a tv with a vcr right at the foot of my bed.
The Sixth Sense: shyamalan made a couple of good movies. this was one of them. but it wasn't a horror movie and if you didn't know the twist IT WAS A FUCKING AMAZING ONE. like, goddamn empire strikes back levels of supreme and god tier plot twists. it went a little overboard on shock value but compared to the rest of the COMPLETE BULLSHIT on this list (AND IN HIS OWN MOVIES) it really could've gone way further.
The Descent: goddamn claustrophobia. too much horribly cgi'd gore and terrible decisions to be truly enjoyable though. would've been a much better movie without the mutants and the middle finger to physics throat stabbing and the JUST FUCKING KICK IT YOU GODDAMN IDIOT and oh yeah the subtle misogyny. the first half was good tho
28 days later: shitty remake of a merely ok movie EDIT I was thinking of 28 weeks later, 28 days was actually okay I guess
Scream: did not age well but it's okay for being meta, despite the fucking torture porn of drew barrymore at the beginning. allowed for scary movie 1 though, so I'm glad it exists.
Paranormal Activity: PARANORMAL FUCKING ACTIVITY CAN EAT MY ASS, ITS SUCH A SUBLIME FAILURE OF EXECUTION. I WANTED IT TO BE GOOD BUT IT WASNT. oh well at least it inspired five nights at Freddy's. I'll go ahead and throw all shitty found footage movies under this one, including unfriended.
Blair Witch Project: a fucking pioneer of its time. a genre definer. truly scary. good movie. I'll go ahead and throw all good found footage movies under this one, including cloverfield.
The Shining: a thriller, not horror. but goddamn is it the scariest not horror movie ever made. Stephen king you magnificent bastard
Alien: goddamn fucking alien. science fiction masterpiece. director's a little creepy but eh, sigourney weaver kicks ass, and alien isolation is such a good game (despite its many flaws), and it's just so iconic in terms of sheer scope of concept. it's the same horror movie as anywhere else but in space, and I still can't fucking believe this was made in the 70s. this and Star Wars were FUCKING AMAZING, and the xenomorph? THATS ALL PRACTICAL EFFECTS BABEY. NO OVERRELIANCE ON CGI GUTS AND SHOCK VALUE HERE, ITS JUST PURE HORROR AT ITS FINEST. good movie. aliens was better. everything else... eeehhh...
The Thing: same as the descent but with men instead of women, and EVEN WORSE DECISION MAKING. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE JUST HOW GODDAMN STUPID EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM COULD POSSIBLY BE. and in the remake yeah the practical effects were mind blowingly fantastic and inspired dead space which I believe is one of the best horror games if not just best games or horror pieces of media if not just best pieces of media constructed. but the prequel? 🙄 no thanks
The exorcist: masterpiece of practical effects without an overreliance on jumpscares and gore
Jaws: it's Stephen fucking Spielberg in the 70s and one of the most influential horror films and just films in general
Hellraiser: okay I'll give all works by clive barker a pass here because goddamn is he a demented fucking genius if ever I saw one. if only Jericho was actually a good game, it could've been the next doom 3
Poltergeist: an actually good horror movie that depends on atmosphere and effects more so than jumpscares and gore? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP
Evil Dead: campy but misogynist. the sequel was a comedy so it's okay. the next sequel is also a comedy AND ARMY OF DARKNESS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER FUCKING MADE. FIGHT ME. and fuck the remake. sam raimi should've retired after spiderman 3. maybe even before that.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: honestly not bad. it was actually freaky and believable. rednecks really are fucking scary with all their inbreeding and terrible music and hatred of black people. I refuse to acknowledge the original and the sequels.
Psycho: eh, hitchcock's worst is still better than most of the shit on this list.
The Wicker Man: OH GOD NOT THE BEES! AHHGUBLAHH MY EYES! AAAAAHHHHH!!! fucking excellent comedy. but it doesn't have any naked ladies in it like the original did. oh well, can't please everyone.
Night of the Living Dead: THOSE ZOMBIES ARE BULLSHIT. ZOMBIES CANT USE WEAPONS AND THEY SURE AS FUCK CANT TURN YOU INTO A ZOMBIE BY STABBING YOU WITH A TROWEL. THEY HAVE TO BITE YOU. FUCK YOU GEORGE ROMERO. Also, dawn of the dead was just sensationalist garbage. "They tore apart a real pig carcass tho so it looked like real intestines" what? the fuck??? who gives a shit????? I watch movies to escape from reality, dumbass. I don't beat off to chopped up human carcasses. If I want a zombie movie I want the walking dead sans the soap opera bullshit and the racism and then "no one is safe and everyone will die" boring mentality propagated by twd and got and other things I used to like but no longer care about (because why should I give a shit about it if everyone could die? I can already be sad enough about all the real people I know who die. enjoying the pain of the deaths of those important to us is a privilege the cishets have). the walking dead seasons 1&2 was pure horror and the very best kind. don't give me boring contrivances. "but sheena, night of the living dead was a trope definer! everything in it was original!" yeah, you know what else is original? *farting noise* George Romero is just rob zombie without a rock band. his best work was fucking call of duty. that's pathetic. "maybe you just don't like gore" HEY YEAH SURE I DONT WANNA SEE UBER REALISTIC INTESTINES AND ORGANS IF THEY ARENT PART OF A MEDICAL DEAL SO IM JUST A BIG DUMB HATER. I'm the one in the wrong. fuck me, right?
Don't Breathe: A FUCKING TURKEY BASTER FILLED WITH SEMEN. THATS SO STUPID I FORGOT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY. BEST CRINGE COMEDY OF THE YEAR :D
Tremors: legitimately great movie with a hundred shitty sequels. like saw but your faves win so you walk away filled with determination rather than sad and disappointed. enjoyment of tragedies are a privilege awarded to those who are neurotypical.
Zombieland: gore done right. the only casualty is mindless zomzoms and bill murray. good. granted it counts as a romance and a comedy but honestly last time I watched it I cried at the part where you find out buck isn't tallahassee's dog. god I love that movie. AND FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS IS THE MOST BADASS MOVIE OPENER EVER.
The Fly: Jeff fucking goldblum. amazing effects for good reasons. need I say more? the original doesn't exist because 1950s horror movies are all bad because all 1950s movies are bad. the 1950s should just be purged from america's records except for pleasantville.
All other Stephen king movies: hit or miss but mostly still good. although very few are actual horror.
10 cloverfield lane: more of a thriller like above's misery but still an amazing movie.
Peeping Tom: literally a movie about how creepy it is to fetishize the deaths of women WHILE LITERALLY FETISHIZING THE DEATHS OF WOMEN. like, come on man. how do you miss your own point so completely?
Invasion of the body snatchers: it's not horror and if it's made to be horror using gore it's shit. the whole thing is just an allegory to the joe mccarthy communism witch hunts anyway.
Cube trilogy: the ultimate b movies. so bad they're good. and it's such an interesting concept too!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space: fucking alien clowns come to earth to turn us into cotton candy by killing us using carnival fare. THIS IS THE GREATEST BAD MOVIE EVER MADE.
All horror movies based on horror video games: either irredeemably bad, or action movies
All creepy Netflix horror movies: wow any idiot with a camera and basic cgi skills can throw shit together to make a movie these days, huh
The Slender Man: I am literally too pissed off about this movie to insult it.
Marble Hornets, Tribe Twelve, the Slender Man movie on YouTube: triumphs of meta, editing, found footage, proof of concept, and story. Slenderman is such a malleable entity for a perfect horror experience, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FUCK THAT UP? YOUD HAVE TO BE INTENTIONALLY SABOTAGING YOUR WHOLE MOVIE TO FUCK IT UP AS BAD AS SOMEone who exclusively directs remakes... oh... oh no.
Wrong Turn: one mediocre movie and a dozen loathesome snoozefests coasting by on shock value
Troll 2:
oh god
they're eating her
and then
they're gonna eat me
...
oh my gooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
(Troll 2 is literally the worst movie ever made and I have to respect it for that at least)
but yeah, horror is just bad for movies. but for video games, though...
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austinpanda · 2 years ago
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Dad Letter 061222
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5 June, 2022
Dear Dad--
You mean I gotta write another one of these shits this weekend too? Alright, then, have some WORDS *bleeehhhh*
I’m actually kind of enjoying the fact that it’s beautiful outside, sunny, very breezy, high 60s, it’s downright heavenly here! I keep thinking I should go do something outside, but I just spent five days going outside to earn money, and I’m okay observing the outside from within for a bit longer. Besides, Zach still has to take the car and get our weekly haul of groceries. I’ve already been out once today to get my medications (from the same grocery store) and some donuts on the way home, because donuts. It’s Sunday, which is my Saturday. 
[snip]
And now it’s Monday! (Those donuts kicked ass, btw.) I’ve spent the day, which is kinda my Sunday, doing chores and listening to a podcast. Also I had an appointment with my doctor. We’re going to start doing shit about my depression, since it seems to be getting noisier lately. What the heck. Let’s get me someone to talk to, and see if they help me figure out how to remove some of the stupid from my present existence, and my present existence is so very, very full of stupid right now. A few other bullet items:
Zach keeps getting 100s on his tests at HVAC school. I really think he’s going to be good at this shit, and have better job opportunities because of it.
It is Pride Month! Companies too big to fail from Christian boycotts apply rainbows to themselves for 30 days, and folks like you can feel 10% less shame about all the big, strong, black football players’ weenies you want to feel in your mouth. 
The doctor continued to be pleased with the Snickers content of my blood, and suggested that eating better and not smoking were definitely potentially not terribly detrimental to my health. 
He wears a Garmin smartwatch that I kind of want to steal, unless it’s one that specializes in helping you with your fucking jogging. You have to get the model number and check the specs to rule it out for certain.
Tomorrow was supposed to be the first day of our new auditor Tim, swooping down, like the eagles in Return of the King, to snatch my excess work away and make my life a bit less like dying in a volcano. But now it’s not. Delays in licensing or some such. 
Jogging fucking sucks, did I ever tell you that? It’s just worse than Hitler. 
[Sunday, June 12, 2022]
So! 
A thought occurs. I have trouble finishing my Dad letters lately, because it involves thinking and doing stuff, and the process isn’t aided by the fact that you’re purposefully lost in the Fox News universe, from which you’ve forbidden us to follow. But I don’t seem to have difficulty writing about half a Dad letter. So, perhaps I’ll just try for one Dad letter per week, but do one Dad letter every two weeks, if that ends up being to my benefit. That’ll make it easier to not fill it with verbal styrofoam peanuts anyway, and tell you about all the SERIOUSLY interesting things happening in my life. They are pretty few, though. To wit:
Many nearby patches of nature are now covered, as though with Texas bluebonnets, with these gorgeous purple lupines. It’s usually about 70% purple, and about 20% a pretty coral pink color, and 10% white, give or take. They’re like extra tall, mono-hued bluebonnets that appear in sprays of violet and pink and white. It’s just fucking gorgeous, and if the place where I see them most weren’t along the side of the interstate on my way to work, I’d certainly have picked some by now, to bring home and display in a vase and take pictures of. Lupines, man. Hand over all your lupines. 
Zach continues to slog his way through the propane and propane accessories portion of his HVAC class, and he assures me that this is, by far, the most tedious segment, crammed with multiple voluminous books (printed and cheaply spiral bound) given to the students, about fucking propane. He’s become convinced that this is no longer HVAC class, but instead is HVAC Class Brought To You By The National Propane Council ™ . And he wonders if he’ll have to insert himself forever into the pocket of Big Propane ™. 
Meanwhile, I’m still serving Gamblor, doing the seven audits every day. Except hang on, wait a second, help arrives! We have a new auditor on the team, to replace Justin, and his name is Tim. Tim has arrived. Tim has some interesting features, but since I do too, allow me to express only fondness and respect for Tim, and relief that he’s come to help do audits, so I don’t have to do all of them, every day. Tim is the new me! Full time auditor. It’s only going to get easier from here, as he learns to do more and more of the work. Hang in there, Tim! Oh, one feature of interest, he’s a black belt in tae kwon do, and is in the same outfit I was in back in the 80s, the American TaeKwonDo Association, or ATA. I figure it’s safe to tell you about this because he was on the local news last night in a story covering their black belt award ceremony. 
Perhaps more bullets are in order, then:
Everything here is covered with yellow powder, which I assume is tree jizz, and I personally don’t care for it. My car is bejizzed, our hummingbird feeders are bejizzed, it’s like yellow cocaine residue on everything. 
You crave the cocks, Dad. This is known.
You can tell summer is here, because it’s going to reach 80 degrees today. It’s beautiful outside, except for the swarms of tiny white gnats. I think we’re not getting much hummingbird traffic at the feeders because they mostly eat bugs, and nowadays, they’d just have to fly with their mouths open to catch a whole day’s worth. 
I must say a word about lasers. When I was a kid, the only place you ever saw a laser was at the planetarium, or the laser light show, also at the planetarium. I had a friend in high school (call it…1985) who had money, because his dad was a doctor, and he was working with another rich nerd kid to design their own homemade laser. Then someone figured out how to make a pen-sized red laser that one could use as a pointer, and the laser pointer was born. I was fascinated, and the first time I bought a laser pointer, it was $50. Fast forward to now, and we’re already 10 years past the first time when I first saw a gumball machine from which you could purchase a genuine laser pointer for 75 cents. Lasers are now everywhere, and they’re super cheap. I love that we figured out how to mass produce them. 
Anyway, I think my boss’s birthday is coming up. He’s very secretive about when his birthday is, but he did let slip one time that his astrological sign is Cancer. At the time, I was all, “Shit, I coulda told YOU he’s a cancer,” because I didn’t know him well enough to like him then, though now I do. I like him quite a bit. Cancer is June 22 through July 22. So here’s my plan. I went on Amazon and found him a nice gift: a three-pack of laser pointers, one red, one green, and one violet, all for about 12 bucks. They are marketed as cat toys. You believe that shit? I’m going to split the difference between those two dates, which would be about July 7th, and I’m going to go into Tyler’s office, and say, “Hello! I want to play a short game with you, related to your birthday.” 
At this point, I predict he’ll be a bit weirded out, so I’ll just plow ahead, “I’m going to guess your birthday, and if I’m correct to within two weeks, you have to tell me the day of your actual birthday.” And he’s someone who likes poker, so he’ll run the numbers, and probably realize that I’m ONTO HIM and I KNOW HIS DARK SECRET ALREADY, but he’ll agree to the terms of the game. Then I’ll guess July 7th, he’ll go, “Shit! How did you know?” and then I’ll soften the blow of having dominated his ass completely USING MATH by giving him his birthday present, a three-pack of laser pointers. He’s mentioned wanting one in the past, for when he’s training new auditors, to point at the portion of the screen where he wants the auditor’s attention to be focused. We look at a lot of visually busy spreadsheets. 
As I said, I like Tyler now. Just as I’m gaining experience learning when to tell him the truth about feeling overwhelmed, or stressed, or shat upon (i.e. telling sooner rather than later), so too is he learning more about how to be a leader. 
That’s enough letter. I go now. Have a good week, and don’t let the homos take all your guns away.
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Detective Rinoa
Squally better fucking gather info together with Camp B or I will kill him. I won’t be the only one pulling weight in this. 
Detective Rinoa is on it. 
First things first need to dress for the occasion. I find my best biker shorts, my tightest tank top (might need to use my womanly charm for info), my apple watch, three pens, my pocket journal and a short sleeve cargo vest for all my accessories. 
For protection I bring along Angelo and pepper spray. Plus my shooting star blaster edge. Hair tie on and I am set.
I make a list of all the people with possible info. Christian obviously, J, Tidus, Noah. Also Jenn and Yuna with questions marks after their names. Those two I doubt have any info but maybe since Jenn was dead she’ll remember something. Also I am suspicious of what Natsu was yelling about. Darn if only we had just a little more time together with Camp B I coulda got more info. Maybe they separated us for that reason.
Yuna I put down cause I don’t think she personally had any information but she hung with Eli a 
lot and he knows something. Or at least pretends to know. 
They shut off any way of talking to B. Our phones don’t work trying to call or text them. We obv can’t send letters. I even tried like hacking the system and using email or facebook when I really wanted to talk to Zidane but no that was all blocked. I just don’t get it. When we were in San Diego we were still able to talk to each other just not live together. Now they have us completely separated! Like we been with these people thousands of years and outta nowhere BOOM! Separated. They claim its cause we got “too rowdy” but we were like that forever so something musta changed. 
I bet Ulquiorra knows something about all this spirt stuff but not like I’ll be able to get anything out of him. Or maybe I can? He does have a weak spot for attractive woman. I add him to my list and check myself if the mirror. Yea you got it girl. 
okay who to start with? Christian I probably get most info outt a but I am not in the modd for his cryptic speech pattern right now. So no I wait on that. 
Me and Jenn are friends so I decided to knock her out quick. Okay Rinoa you got this. I whistle Angelo along and head towards her room. 
“Knock knock its me girl!:
“Rinoa!” She runs up and hugs me. She's so cute. I love her. 
“Isn’t this so shitty ! Its like I finally getta be back with Aiden and then they take us apart again ! How could they be so cruel? She pouts and sits on her bed. 
I have been trying the last hundred years to get her to dump that creep but no she's wayyyy into his flaming ass. He;s like a literal monster and fucking killed her! Jenn.  Sweet, innocent Jenn! But she doesn’t listen to reason just with her heart. I admire that in ways but just wish her heart was head over heels for not such a piece of shit as a person. Gray warned me if Aiden found out about what i was doing he would send me straight to hell. He’s not gonna do shit he's a pussy and so what if he does. He doesn’t have shit on me and even if he does that just proves to Jenn he is a fucking monster. Whatever. Fuck Him. 
“I know girl this is so fucked up!! Least we’re on the same camp side!!”
“Yea totally and I guess besides Aiden and Namine I am not really friends with any of them.” 
“Oh you have more friends then that!!” I tried to think who wasn’t a dirt bag piece of shit on that side of the camp. They definitely had wayyyy more then we did. 
“I mean I guess Marcus is like sorta my friend but it always seems like hes making fun of me.” Jenn looked upset at this and began messing with her nails.
You could always tell how anxious she was by how long her nails were. They were like stubs now. It was probably hanging with Aiden. He’s so stressful for her. 
“Yea I feel you girl him and that slut Lana just walk around like they are better then everyone and pretend they are like this power couple when aha- yea no.” (word from narrator. She said the last part with a scoff and a very pronounced “aha: in about the bitchest way you can imagine it) 
“Yea she like hung out in here other day and it was just weeeirdddd.” 
“That is weird why was she in here?”
“I don’t even know she was like asking me about how I feel about Aiden having Harry suck his dick, which I thought was super weird she was thinking about that. Like is she trying to imagine Aiden’s penis or something.” Jenn paused to grab her box of nail polish outta side table drawer. “Anyhow I told her its like fine cause Harrys so weird its like who cares about him.”
“Totally girl.” My nails needed some color too. I searched through her colours till I found a really lovely silver. 
While we both painted our nails and updated each other on our feelings about the newest bachelorette. I felt like Todd should totally get with Kaitlyn but Jenn felt Winston was the better match. Todd was just so cute. Okay now that thats all settled I needed info.
“Hey so like before we got split up Natsu yelled something about you being like a dark thing or like idk what?”
“Yea I don’t know what he was saying it was just like weird and its like how can I be that? Doesn;t make any sense to me”
Rats no info. 
“Yea I wouldn’t worry about it Natsus an idiot and probably just misheard something.”
“Yeah, your probably right.” Jenn looked a bit worried though.
Well this wasn’t getting me anywhere I should go see Yuna next just to get both the easy ones outta the way. 
“Hey girl I gotta go, I am trying to figure out whats going on in this camp. Somethigns fishy and I am going to find out what. Maybe if I do they won’t have us spilt up as much.”
“Okay yea, good luck to you! I know you can figure it out!” Jenn flashed her teethy grin at me. She lead me to door gave me a big hug and sent me on my way. 
Okay next stop stonerville
I tried her room but she wasn’t in there. Fuck hopefully she didn’t go anywhere I guess if she did I could just go to someone else on list. I saw Neji down the hall “Hey Neji have you seen Yuna?’
“Yes she was in the living room watching tv and smoking weed with a ton of people.”
“Thanks!” He seems less angry lately which is nice cause he was getting pretty flippin weird with all his hubris yelling. 
I walked into living room and Neji wasn’t joking there was like 10 people in here. I spotted Yuna squeezed on couch next to Lana and Naruto. Gippal lay sprawled on the couch with his legs on all of them. Such a lazy fuck couldn’t sit up for people. Um Rude!
I didn’t want to talk to her here and have everyone yelling their opinions at once. So annoying. Once I received more information I would relay it to rest of camp but not yet. 
“Rin No Na! What it be what it do?” Jesse yelled. He would be kinda cute if he wasn’t so obnoxious. 
“I am fine, no don’t move over I am not staying.” I looked at tv they were all watching the hangover. I did want to watch it with them but I’ve seen it like 5 times and my mission was important. I sat on coffee table facing Yuna “Psst hey Yuna can we go somewhere to talk’
“WHAT YA GUYS GONNA TALK ABOUT?” Naruto yelled. Great just fucking great now everyones gonna start yelling other annoying things. 
“I bet its period stuff.” Natsu yelled
“No I bet its woman stuff” Naruto yelled
“Periods are woman stuff you dumb fuck” Sasuke yelled
“Shut up all of you its none of your fucking business!.”
Some mumbles and a few more yells how we were gonna have sex and scissor each other. Everyone is so moronic here, it's sooo aggravating. 
“Yea of course Rinoa!” Yuna squeezed herself outta the couch with the grunts from Gippal. He better not vomit on the fucking couch again that was so fucking gross and disgusting.
I guided Yuna to my room which was the safest room to talk. No one ever came here except Zidane but he was with other camp so I am safe. 
“Oh I love what you’ve done with the room!” Yuna smiled and sat on the end of bed . She just sat there smiling. I wonder how her face isn’t stuck in that position from how much she does it. I dug around in my desk until I found my one hitter and a lil bit of weed. I didn’t smoke much so this was probably months old but whatever it will do. I hand the packed pipe to Yuna whose face lights up at it “Oh thank you Rinoa this is so thoughtful!” She takes down the whole bowl in one huge hit. Packing it again with her own personal stash. She hands it towards me but I wave it off. Have to keep my brain clear. 
“So whats going on? Is everything okay?” Yuna asked. Okay good the weed didn’t make her retarded. This stuff wasn’t that strong so that probably helped, also her tolerance I bet is wayyy too high for this cheap stuff to effect her much. 
“Yeah I am fine, everything is good with me. I am just, well I been thinking about all that stuff that happened before they split us up, like about the darks spirits, I was wondering if you knew anything about that?” 
“Oh yes it was such a terrible thing that happened to Jonis dear daughter, I am so furious with Gray and how it all happened. Just so Gray could oh I don’t even know what he wanted out of it which makes me even more mad! “ Yuna huffed a little after all this, its probably from the weed and she didn’t take a single breathe while talking but I liked to believe it was from the extra pounds she carried around with her. Ha chunky Yuna huffing away. Okay Rinoa focus
I didn’t really care about all the stuff with Jonis daughter but I needed Yuna to stay on my side so I said “yea that was so fucked up of Gray, Just cause hes sad and miserable doesn’t mean he needs to bring everyone to his level.” I scoffed and Yuna nodded in approval “So yea anyhow about dark spirits you know anything?”
“Its a horrible place. I don’t know a lot but I know a little bit.” Yuna drank some water and continued “So usually souls are sent to their worlds version of the after life”
Rinoa interrupted “- so its like hell?”
“No I mean hell still exists in some worlds but their soul is still intact for lack of a better term. It can still be retrieved and brought back.” 
“Ok so this place is like totally different from other afterworlds, its like its own entity?” 
“Precisely! Its its own separate place! I am not sure where it came from or how long its been around, Elis I know speculates it formed when the worlds collided, yet I know Aiden was there before that so I don’t believe that is true. Christian told me once its always been around, and after Eli heard about that, he speculated that the reason the worlds collided had to do with this place. I am not sure about any of that. What I do know is the place consists of dark magic and dark beings dwell there. Any soul who steps into that place becomes tainted. So what happened with Lily is because she was killed with dark magic she was tainted and had to be sent there. No other afterlife could handle such a dark being without becoming dark themselves. I don’t exactly know how it all works though.” Yuna looked down seemingly flustered with it all
I pondered on this for a while. She gave me a lot more information then I could have hoped for. 
“So its pretty much the worst place in the universe? No wonder Aiden is so fucked up!”
“Yes it is, Eli told me once anyone who goes there becomes tainted in a way, incomplete rather. Like they aren’t all together human anymore. He couldn’t tell me how or why. He also said anyone who goes their becomes trapped but Aiden is intact and he has his soul still, so Eli must be wrong about that. Or perhaps thats what usually happens and Aiden somehow beat the system? I don’t know its all so horrible I don’t like to think about it!” Yuna took the liberty to pack herself another bowl to smoke. 
“Hmm so if thats the case and J was there and also got out there must be some way.”
“Yes they must be! Ya know I can feel souls with my summoner ability and I have always sensed J’s soul be off. Like it just feels wrong but now that I know he was in that place, thats probably why it feels that way!” 
“Yea and thats why spirits don't seem to want anything to do with him and let him get away with so much shit because they don’t want him around. He probably terrifies them!” 
 I began jotting down things in my journal and Yuna finished off her bowl. 
“Hey Yuna no offense but I gotta go. I need to figure out more about all this and I have quite a few more people to talk to!”
“Oh of course I will leave you, if you need anything more I will be in living room!”
“Okay yea thanks” Just before she left room I thought of one more thing “Hey real quick so I am gonna talk to Noah, Tidus, J , Ulquiorra and Christian , know anyone else in Camp A that would know something?”
Yuna pondered for a second “Perhaps try Sasuke? He seems to know a lot about everything. Oh and try Jet! He was an old commander so perhaps he knows something from his time in charge.”
“Okay yea i put them down, thanks see you around! “ Yuna waved and headed out 
No way in hell was I talking to either one of them. Especially if I didn’t have to. Wasn’t in the mood to get groped and deal with the biggest asshole in camp. No thank you. 
Next stop Noah! 
I found him in his room laying in the dark with his covers up. He looked briefly at me when I entered but turned around to continue staring at his wall. 
I took the liberty to let myself in. I slid out a chair and opened the blinds up so I could see. He looked like shit. 
“Hey I know you probably don’t want to talk about this but I need to know about the dark spirit place or whatever its called.” I paused looking at him “Its important.” I added 
No response. I couldn’t wait for him to get over whatever this was.
“Noah, I need to know, help me out here” 
“Why would you wanna know about that place?” He said it in a whisper 
“I, no we, as a camp need to know!” This came out a lot more harsh then I meant it too. Whatever. Usually the guy was so dumb you asked him anything and he replied. No filters. But now when I need him to talk hes understanding what silence means? What the fuck. Where's lady luck and why isn’t she on my side?
“No you don’t need to know, you think you need to know but it won’t help anything, it won’t change anything. It will just bring pain and destruction. 
I was geting so annoyed at his inability to just answer a fucking question I blew up. 
“OMG are you mansplaining to me? I know what is good and bad for me to know. Fuck right off Noah. I can handle myself, I can handle this, I am not a moron.” 
He sat up slightly at this and sighed “ No you can’t handle this, you or anyone else in camp that isn’t already involved in this doesn’t need to be. Theres no reason for anyone to know anymore then you guys already do. Now please leave me I am not in the mood.” 
I wanted to freak out at him, yet I realized that would get me nowhere. ;”Fine be that way, go fuck yourself Noah!” I slammed his door as hard as I could manage . I sat in the hallway and cried for a little bit. Why can’t I know? He obviously told Joni or else she wouldn’t have had him kill her kid. Or maybe he's the only one that takes orders from Joni. She's such a junkie cunt I bet even if she was here she wouldn’t give me any answers either. Just yell about needing more booze and making stupid inside jokes with jesse that no one else finds funny. They are the worst set of twins I have ever fucking met .
This was pointless. I went to my room and screamed in my pillow for a few minutes. When I was done my throat hurt and Angelo looked worried. 
Sign this whole thing was stupid why did I even try it? No I have to keep going. I decided to go see Tidus when he actually took his meds he was pretty cool and we hung out. When he was off them though it was fucking annoying as shit. Lately he seemed normal so lets hope for the best. I can’t have two let downs in a row. 
I found him in his room lifting weights, his room looked mostly clean which was a good indicator on his saneness. “35, 36, 37,-”
“Hey Tidus its me can I come in?”
“Oh yea Rinoa let me just finish these reps. 38, 39- I waited till he counted to 50 and set the weight down before speaking 
“Hey so I gonna cut right to the chase, your a spirit and everything so I wonder if you know anything about all this dark spirit stuff they were talking about?”
 He was drinking out of his water but stopped after i said dark spirit and his face fell. Oh he totally knows something. 
“Umm no I don’t umm sorry,” He faced away from me and I saw in his mirror him muttering to himself.
“I know you know something Tidus, just tell me I can take it.” He fidgeted around picking up random objects then setting them down. 
“I mean well I wanna tell you but I am not suppose to talk about it” 
“What? Who says you cant talk about it?” Now I was super curious a secret dark spirit place that he was banned from talking about. Oh this was juicy. 
I heard people out the door talking and heard my name so my ears perked up, it sounded like Jesse and Yuna 
“You were talking to Rinoa? Egh talking to her is like I have an itch on the roof of my mouth that only a shotgun can scratch.” Jesse said loudly 
“Oh shes not that bad!” Yuna replied
What a fucking asshole, I made a mental note to go chew him out after this but I didn’t want to wreck my flow I had going here. 
Tidus looked at me sympathetically and I waited till they passed by before talking again
Tidus spoke first tho “Hey don’t mind Jesse he’s just an asshole”
“Uh Yea duh I know that and why would I be bothered by what a lonely wannabe says about me?” My eyes challeneged him to say something stupid. Wisely he changed topics
“Well um what you been up to today? 
“Well I been trying to get people to tell me about the dark spirit place.” 
He looked uncomfortable and said “Uh huh I see, why is it you wanna know so bad?” 
“Because I, or well camp, has the right to know about this, I mean like shouldn’t we do something about it or like go save people from it.”
“You can’t get rid of it that's not how it works, its like saying your gonna blow up hell, its not possible. ANd saving people, why would we have to do that? No one we know is there so that just be a suicide mission.” He shook his head and drank down the rest of his water. Going to refill it in the water jug he had in his room he added “Even if we did have someone to save, we couldn't. It would just be a waste of lifes and resources!” 
“Well Lily got there why wouldn’t we go save her?”
“You know why Rinoa, she doesn’t matter to camp, she's just a kid with no powers.” 
“Omg why didn’t I think of that!” If someone that camp needed or cared about went there we would have to go save them and have to go there! I refrained from saying this out loud though so no one could hear my scheme and block it. Tidus just assumed I didn’t realize Lily was useless which I mean duh, I let him think that though. Makes things easier. 
“Yea I mean maybe she would have powers later but she was only in camp like an hour and I mean like Yuna liked her and- He started rambling about how great Yuna was and I spaced out. Who should I get killed though? It would have to be Noah killing them and use his weird demon thing inside him to do it, can’t be a gun, no pretty sure it have to be Virgo inside him. Hmm who to kill though? My first thought after what Jesse said was him but no he was immortal that wouldn’t work. I don’t know if immortality worked against this but I didn’t want to risk it. Only have one go at this. Hmmm maybe Aerith? She was important plus easy to kill plus Sasuke would go insane and make people go save her with him. Yes, Aerith would be perfect. I almost think Jenn would be funnier to fuck with Aiden but shes useless, so the commanders might not let us go and then Aiden probably just convince himself she never existed and we all would just move on in our lives. Wait, Aerith is a spirit though, that might safeguard her. Not sure but once again don’t wanna risk it. Fuck who then? 
“And shes so caring and pretty and- “ 
“Tidus shut up I am trying to think”
He stopped talking and made a face at me. “You coulda said that nicer” 
“Yea okay I am sorry, whatever, “
“What are you thinking about anyhow?” Tidus inquired. 
Was it safe to tell him? Probably and I would need help with this so bing bing hes the winner! I decided to ease into it though and gauge him out. If he seemed hesitant I would have to find someone new to ask
“I was just thinking how shitty it would be if someone from camp was killed and sent there.”
“Oh yea that would be horrible we wouldn’t see them ever again!”
“I mean never again?” I asked as innocently as I could manage “I mean Aiden got out of there didn’t he?”
“Yea I mean yea but he has Christian helping him when Christian still had access to virgo or well access to his powers”
So thats how it happened hmmm 
“Well couldn’t he access them again?” I inquired 
“No cause Virgo is in Noah.” 
“What about J? He got taken out too? 
“Yea I don’t know how that worked I only just found that out today, I assumine G accessed the igndaemoni stone. I heard that has to do with it” “ I also hear- all of a sudden Tidus’s face just stopped moving 
“What the hell?” I asked and just as I did I saw J walk into the room. Oh so he paused time. What an asshole 
 “J what the fuck!!!! I was so close!!” I pouted and waved my notebook around and my pen flew out of my hand as I flayed around 
“A little too close” His nasally voice said. God his voice was so fucking annoying
“Lets go to kitchen to talk” I followed him in there and noticed quite a few people in there all paused 
“Stop while your ahead Trist me on this.”
“Omg you fucking too-- omg look at grays face!!” 
His face looked like he was just about to sneeze. Contored and retarded looking. 
J let out his shrill laugh while Rinoa laughed like she was actually saying the words heehee     
“Wait Wait look at Lana!” Her face looked like it was turning both ways and her hand was in her butt cheek.
“Omg” 
Rinoa and J continued to point out others with dumb expressions on each letting out their different but equally annoying laughs. 
J wiped a tear from his eye “Oh that rich thats just great.”
I decided to try again “So J what the fuck why did you pause everyone.” 
“For my own safety that's why!” He yelled back. God did he not know how to get his voice at a reasonable level 
“You’re safety from what ?”
J looked around like a paranoid drunk. “Just trust me bitch, you don’t want to go down this path.” J himsellf knew hardly anything about this, he had to take a class in it at the spirit university but he fell asleep half way through and skipped the next two classes and the final class he was so lost on the exam he decided to get drunk in the bathroom and have G make sure he got a passing score. What he did know though was that Ulqiorra would kill him if Rinoa started some shit up. Partly why they let Harry and him spy on everyone was for security reasons and as long as everyone behaved themselves, at least a little, they were allowed to continue being camp security.                                        
“DON’T CALL ME A BITCH!” Rinoa stormed, proving J’s point in her screams of rage if she classified as a bitch or not. 
After her yells subsided with some throw ins of “clay piece of fuck,” “get new friends” “your an fucking asshole” she sat down and crossed her arms and started pouting. 
“I don’t see why I can’t just know, I am not gonna do anything with it I just want to know”
“No you definitely want to do something and I can’t risk you knowing too much and fucking things up for me.”
“For you what the fuck do you mean?”
Shit J thought didn’t need to add that last part “I just mean me as like everyone in camp its won’t be good and Ulquiorras gonna flip out if you unite everyone in some doomed mission.”
 Rinoas face contorted but then twisted into a devious smile. “Okay fine I won’t do anything” She said as innocent as she could manage.
J stared at her with a look of disbelieve but he also was just about to go to Milwaukee with Paine, Yuna and Gippal and he really wanted to get to that. Distancing himself from harry has really done wonders for his social life. He gets to hang out with Gipplal, GIPPAL! His dreams were coming true. 
As J daydreamed about his perfect day with Gippal and how maybe they could break off from the other two and get ice cream and Gippal would get some in his beard and J would slowly wipe it off for him-- Rinoa was thinking of how to get j out of camp so she can continue getting answers. “So can you unpause it, I get it okay?” 
“Yea Yea fine,” J took out a device in his pocket and hit the button. Everyone instantly started moving. 
“What where did you guys come from?” Gray asked 
“WE BEEN IN HERE FUCK OFF” J replied and left to go find his new friends. 
“Yea lay off the dope its making you stupid.” Rinoa shot back at him 
“I don’t recall you guys being in here either” Lana stated
“Whatever you guys are all dumb then” Rinoa flipped her hair and walked out of the room, forgetting about Tidus for the moment and headed back to her room 
In Tidus’s room he was quite shocked by Rinoa disappearing and was terrified he had hallucinated the whole conversation “Oh no Oh no, she was here, wasn’t she? No nonononono! “ Tidus yelled and began searching around his room for her. Looking under his bed and in his closet for obvious places but then under books and his lamp thinking maybe she somehow shrunk. Moving on from schizo boy we head back to Rinoa. 
“Okay I just have to find a way to get J to leave. hmmm “ Rinoa mindlessly pet Angelo while brainstorming. Suddenly Yuna walked in. 
“Hey Rinoa is was lovely talking to you earlier, I hope you figure out what your looking for!” 
“Yea yea I am trying to think now so can you like leave?’
“Oh okay yea no I can’t stay I am going to milwaukee with some friends!” As yuna turned to leave Rinoa yelled for her to stop
“Wait who are you going with?” Rinoa asked, she had to get J to go with them somehow. 
“Oh um Paine, Gippal and J” 
Rinoa jumped up and ran and hugged Yuna “OMG I could kiss you thats fantastic! Don’t let me keep you go go” Rinoa shooed out the very confused Yuna. 
“Okay Angelo we are back on track!” Rinoa jumped for joy grabbed her notepad and ran to go find TIdus. 
-- And that finishes Part 1 of this story-- I will either finish it or can have Rinoa explain how rest of it went when I see ya tomorrow! Probably do the latter so we can move on with plot! 
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