#this is mostly just a summary of these people pfffttt

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

so I just read Clementine Book One and now I taste nothing but salt

here are my first impression notes-

the spoiler free version: It’s bad. Like things weren’t great but I was vibin’ until about chapter 8, then it took a nose dive into shit. 

Can’t wait to read it several more times and write up the full review because ha ha I have a lot to say and very little of it is nice. 

1/5 stars, and yes, Amos makes up that one star, otherwise this would get nothing from me. 

the spoiler version: 

before I even begin, I should give a brief summary of how I’m feeling, that way I can compare the pre-read/post-read feelings: Ugh. I feel ugh. 

now that we’ve documented that, let’s begin.

alright, not even a a full page in and I’m already so blehh about this not being in color. For those who don’t know, color is important in Tillie Walden’s other works. In my opinion, the way she uses color is the best thing about her work because it compliments her messier style of linework, working with it rather than against it. But when everything is greyscale, it’s so boring and lifeless... sure, it’s the walking dead and the world sucks and I’m sure skybound wanted this comic to match the others so Tillie doesn’t even get to work with the thing she excels at.... great. 

sooooo Clementine is on crutches, she’s using them and a knife to kill a bunch of walkers........ why isn’t she covering herself in walker guts in order to make it past herds without having to fight and run? y’know, like a smart person? 

she broke her peg leg and fell down... and the very first thing we get outta her as far as dialogue is “euch”..... amazing

gasp, is that an Amos I see? must be, Clementine’s glaring at him. 

“what’s it like on the road? are there lots of devils ‘n stuff?” oh please tell me that these people call the walkers “devils,” please, that’s hilarious

Okay, so remember Denny? The guy who was in the teaser pages we got forever ago but I wasn’t sure of his name so I just named him Denny because he was a dentist. Turns out his name is Rabby, but I’m tempted to keep calling him Denny just outta spite.

Still rolling my eyes at the fact that this Clementine doesn’t know how to take care of her leg as if she doesn’t know basic first aid. 

Yes, Clementine, obviously you have to wash your leg regularly to prevent infection, obviously you have to redress it often, you should know that. 

Anyway, Denny is a chill dude, too bad Clementine is so insistent on getting outta there so she can climb a tree. 

“Hey! Hat boy! You’ve got company!” .......hat boy. Ugh. 

not impressed with the overall dialogue so far, you can really feel that this isn’t a telltale voice, y’know? 

y’know, this Clementine feels like if ANF Clementine never found AJ and TFS never happened, she just went on with her angst train, lost her leg some other way, and now ended up here. 

I’m glad Amos finds Clem funny, because I find her dull.... god that’s not a sentence I want to be typing. 

...Alright, I don’t know what’s supposed to be happening, Clementine and Amos [mostly Amos, Clementine wanted to leave] saved three? I think I could three? people and it looked like one of them was gonna turn into a walker but no? he’s not? I’m sorry, was he trying to crawl forward and Clem took that as a threat? did he grab her and she attacked? I think that’s the implication since she them stomped on his hand and someone else in the carriage said “what did you do to that girl?” ..... sure wish I could tell what the hell was actually happening.

but also, not at all surprised that Tillie would throw in a “and then Clementine got groped by an old man,” based on some of her other novels. 

Oh..... Helen is the horse. Pfffttttt..... it took me how many pages to realize Amos is talking about the horse and not someone back at the town?? uuughhhhhh

Amos is literally the only likable thing so far. He actually has a voice and personality whereas Clementine is just an angsty piece of bread. 

Ugh. Evil twins who won’t give their names. 

PFFFTTT.... oh no, the evil twins killed Helen! Who could’ve seen that coming?? Literally everyone??? SKSKSKSKS

Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh about a dead horse but c’mon, the cheapest way to get a reader/viewer to feel something is to kill an animal and like, now Amos is all sad and I’m shaking my head and sipping my wine. 

oh good, the new love interest is here. 

......what. why are you blushing and looking at Clementine already? y’all met two seconds ago and had one conversation.

They’re calling the twins Right and Left.... alright then. 

Amos is my favorite so far. He’s the only one who has gotten a laugh outta me. 

Nawww look at the three of them being friends, this is tooooootally gonna last, mmhmmm....

oop Ricca made a remark about Clem’s leg and she got upset, now Amos is sick. Lame. 

AH YES, LEAVE AMOS ALONE AND SICK WITH THE EVIL TWINS, THAT’S FINE SKSKSKS

oh my god, this whole Clementine and Ricca “romance” is so.... not even a romance, I’m cackling 

KJASLKJLAKJDSLKJSAD WHY

WHY THOUGH

oh now we’re just gonna info dump Ricca’s backstory? turns out she had a brother who used to push her ahead when checking for danger and then broke her glasses so that she had to rely on him until she found another working pair, so then she abandoned him and never looked back. 

CLEMENTINE NAMED HER LEG KENNY THAT REVIEW WAS RIGHT I CAN’T WHAT A GARBAGE CHOICE

Kenny was probably one of the worst people to have Clementine name her leg after. Naming her prosthetic leg after the guy who beat the shit out of Arvo... the kid who wore a brace on his leg? who struggled more and more to move around the more Kenny beat him up? great choice. 

“he was moody” HHAHAHAHHAHA YEAH THAT’S ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE KENNY SURE

Oh for fucks sake, we’re gonna flashback to AJ cutting off her leg, huh? why bother?

who the fuck is this???

Tim???? Who the fuck is Tim??? AND HE GOT BIT SAVING CLEMENTINE 

I’m laughing

what is even happening

Amos and one of the twins wanna run off.... what

okay seriously, the art is making it so hard to understand what the hell is happening

...........what

what

what

what

do you hear that? in the distance? that’s me... I’m laughing. Why? Because the evil twin fucking pushed Amos off a cliff and then stomped on her sister.... she literally murdered Amos and it came out of FUCKING NO WHERE

Amos was the one good character in this book and you killed him. You killed the only good thing. What is this pacing? there was no set up for that, you just pushed him, and I’m..... what the fuck is this writing?

Oh, and apparently one of the twins isn’t evil. Olivia is supposedly good but the other one is evil. I know this because sHE PUSHED AMOS OFF A CLIFF 

OKAY

I’m fucking choking on my wine because for the first time, I’m legit pissed. 

The reason Clementine left the school? the REAL reason? Clementine left Ericson because “But after I lost my leg, everything felt different. No one *said* it, but I could feel it. They thought I was a liability. But I think the real issue... was that I couldn’t talk to and of them about it. They were all around my age, and I... I just wanted to talk to Lee about it. Someone older, and I don’t know....”

Are you

Are you fucking serious

Are you shitting me

are you fucKING

oh my god

oh my fucking hell 

I 

you

...............................

Tillie, Skybound, we need to talk because you 

I am so 

........................

Ricca just called Clementine baby.

oh and she’s shot

and the evil twin is dead

but who gives a shit, really?

my entire mouth tastes of salt what the fuck

they found a stupid plane but I no longer care about anything, I’m mad that Amos is dead for no reason other and that THAT was the reason Clementine left

“Continued in Book 2″ oh fuck off

So, how do I feel now? compared to when I started? I feel UUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Take that as you will. 

Stay turned for the full review. Don’t know when it’ll be out but I gotta read this stupid thing a couple more times before I start. Ugh.