#he didnt have to say it like that. that was a conscious choice on the part of the writers. a purposeful decision. fucking hell

[buddie2025]

what is going on like genuinely

[aauroralightss]

i love trigun stampede as an adaptation and i always do my best to engage with it as its own piece of art vs. as a reflection of trigun maximum (bc imo that's setting it up for failure!!!) But it always baffles me when people try to act like stuff like vash or wolfwood's new designs aren't explicit changes to their characterisation haha

[alicentsgf]

shauna is a bad person because she was a good one and its fucking fascinating. "I didnt start out a bad person" is one of the Best lines in the show because it sums her up so succinctly and melanie lynskeys delivery is a gut punch

she naturally cares so much about people thats literally why shes like this. she was always flawed (impulsive, self-destructive, etc) but there were so many moments in season 1 where she went out of her way to be kind. its why she cant ever accept anythings her fault because deep down she feels so much of it is and if she ever acknowledges that even slightly its over. too much has happened and she cares too deeply for it to not totally fucking destroy her. she had to lie to herself to survive. its why her subconcious regularly revives the person she loved most just to say mean things to her. it is the worst punishment shauna can imagine and so thats exactly what her imagination delivers. at least then its someone else saying it. it means she can still hide from herself. pretend the punishment isnt self-inflicted. as an adult she creates her own demons. no one damaged the breaks or locked the fridge, it was always only her. she even kills the one person who helped her feel happy and free for the first time in 25 yrs just because he seemed too good to be true. ghost jackie warning her on the bridge that someone was going to get hurt was shaunas own mind creating a self-fufilling prophecy. it couldnt end well, shes not allowed to be happy (she had to make sure)

even the awful things we see shauna doing this season as a teenager, the person she's become, came about because of how much she cared. in keeping them all alive, she destroyed her entire sense of self. she emerges from it all convinced she's a terrible person now so she should just accept it. embody it. and shes so full of pain and rage that its so easy. someone needed to be okay with the worst parts of it, otherwise they didnt eat. otherwise they were vulnerable. she just cares too much. its the root of it all. it would be so easy to take extra rations (she doesn't). shes lost her child, imagined him ripped apart and eaten. (she'll cut into someone elses. rip him apart. they’re depending on her.) there's a purpose and fulfilment in the act. (she hates herself for feeling it but she needs to). shes lost everything and maybe she'd rather curl up in the snow by her babys grave and sleep. (they have to eat, she has to feed them.) they don't even thank her. she'll resent them for it later. (she still cares.) she hates them.

shauna may be be paranoid and vengeful but shes not a narcissist and shes not righteous. there's no wilderness god, no greater good, just reality. the place where they grew hungry enough to hunt each other. she wonders aloud why the hell melissa likes her, because shes aware shes unlikeable. it might not be a conscious choice but its deliberate. its a form of self-harm and its self-preservation. better to be feared and hated than pitied, at least then theres some power in what shes lost. (shes so desperate to feel powerful. she's earned it hasn't she?)

even when shes older and she tries to move on, always quick to blame others for her problems, deep down she will always feel responsible. its her fault jackie died so it has to mean something, her relationship with jeff has to be real. so she marries him out of guilt and has a child so she can continue to punish herself indefinitely. ofc it makes sense she can hug a confused old man because hes seeing his daughter instead, but she cant hold her own daughter the same way. cant love the way she wants to. (she could never let her go. she’d leave claw marks in her skin) she doesnt deserve her. cant let herself love callie like that. (she loves her anyway). because shes no good. because she knows what she could become (again) if she lost callie. she hurts people. shes a bad person and she deserves to be feel like this, to be blamed for everything, to freeze to death (because karma).

so yes shaunas a bad person. but shes not very good at it. and it wasn't pre-destined. she took on too big a burden, lost too much, and it broke her. that's what makes her tragic. most innately bad people dont spend their entire adult lives self-inflicting emotional torture.

[lazorbeanz]

Another continuation to my list of random thoughts and reactions to STH3

(Part 3🫠)

!spoilers ahead duh!

- NOOOOOOO TOM!!!! HE CANT BE DEAD!!! SHADOW DID NOT JUST KILL TOM (I was literally shaking AND oh was I on the brink of tears too aakdjsjsnjs)

- more parallels 😭

- omg the new suits looking like how they do in the games o yaaaaas

- uhm someone care to help eggman he looks like he’s having a seizure

- okay now I definitely feel bad for stone :(

- idk why but this part in the movie I could NOT stop rambling to myself about it

It was after the ambulance had driven away with tom and maddie

How Sonic was just filled with so much anger and hurt he was willing to break the promise he made with his team about not using the M.E

Knuckles ofc was fully against the idea as using the M.E could be too dangerous, especially using it for something like vengeance. Then also saying that Sonic is in no right to make any decisions esp in his emotional state

Because emotions (especially anger) can cloud your judgement. you’re not always thinking straight therefore leading to irrational decision making

And knuckles, always being known as the hothead, short tempered, sometimes leaping into battles with just fists and no brain. He of all people probably knows what happens when you make decisions based off your emotions

And iirc doesn’t the power of the Master Emerald (or the chaos emeralds) reflects (or is based of) the person’s heart? Having someone who is feeling a whole pile of negative emotions wield such power can have severe consequences (which I’m pretty sure has already been demonstrated)

But anyways Sonic couldn’t care at the moment, he was even fine with going solo if no one “had the guts” Hecc, he was even ready to throw hands with Knux just to win it over and I was like “oh shiz it’s gonna be STH2 all over again” cuz y’know they both got all charged up

But then Knuckles was reminded about the OTHER half of their promise…to trust each other, and he was going to make sure he kept that promise even if Sonic broke it on his end, even if Sonic chooses to go with what could be a very reckless choice. When knux swears a ✨sacred oath✨ he is bound to keep it regardless.

So he stands down and lets Sonic have his way

Idk did that not just scream maturity or character development to you?? Bc knux usually wouldn’t make a stretch like this esp with the M.E. Idk maybe I looked too far into it help

(Also I’m not in any way condemning Sonic for being the way he was…poor guy has been thru a lot from dealing with another hedgehog, to 2 eggmen, GUN, and now his “dying” father. He has every right to be pissed)

- oh is it who I think it is-

- OH MY GOSH WADE HAHAHAHA YESSSSS THE NEW FEARSOME GUARDIAN OF THE MASTER EMERALD ALL QUIVER BEFORE HIM

- BUDDY YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU TRIED-

- NAAAAA NO MORE SAD FLASHBACKS :(

- OH STUFF’S ABOUT TO GET REAL

- SUPER SHADOW ENTERED THE CHAT!!!!

- SONIC JUST PUNCHING SHADOW ACROSS THE WORLD DAAAAYYUUUUMM BROS ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF VIOLENCE

🎶Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza-🎶 (shh it’s totally accurate)

- I’m crying WHAT IS THIS SORCERY

- SONIC SHED A TEAR I REPEAT SONIC SHED A TEAR I SAW IT

- ahh yes beautiful trauma bonding

- OMG OKAY ITS HAPPENING EVERYBODY STAY CALM

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- LIVE AND LEARRRRNNNNNN

- old people and insects…

- BANGER SCENE + BANGER SONG = PEAK CINEMA PT.2

- THEY DID THE THING!!!

- oop there goes eggman

- WAIT WHERE DID TAILS AND KNUCKLES COME FROM DID I MISS SOMETHING?

- lmfao Gerald gets his ass zapped by his grandson and then incinerated by pure chaos energy the karma is reallll but uhm rest in pepperonis ig

- THEY PISSED ON THE FREAKING MOOOOOOOON

- AAAAAHHHHH TAILS SEES HIS BIG BRO PLUMMETING TO HIS DOOM AND-

HES IN TEARS IM UNWELL

- YESSSS GO SAVE YOUR BUDDY!!!!

- sayonara Shadow the Hedgehog and Dr.Robotnik 🫡

- NOOOO TAILS LOSING CONSCIOUS YOU TRIED ITS OKAY

- YEEEAAAAHHHHH HERE COMES KNUCKLES TO SAVE BOTH HIS LIL BROTHERS!!!!! 💪💪💪

- TEAM HUG AWWWWW LETS GO

- DONUT LORD IS ALIIIIIVEEEE YESSSS

- MORE DOGGY TRANSLATIONS :D

yes ozzy u get all the loveeee

- YES WE GET THE REAL RACE THIS TIME TO TOP IT OFF

- I love this movie

- *proceeds to jam out to the credits*

- welcome to the SCU Amy 🩷 ALSO GURL UR SO PRETTY WOWZERS

- I need STH4 NOW

[ch4liz4rd-jpeg]

i wanna speak to the void abt gwens universe's colour symbolism and how it links to trans identity so here it is, feel free to read

the colours used in gwens universe - primarily in interactions with her dad are pinkish and bluish tones. the animators used pink as a way to show honesty, candidness and openness expressed, whilst the blue served to show isolation and dishonesty. ill discuss why i think so below

in the scene where gwen returns home after quitting the band, gwen is coloured in blue tones.

shes hiding her identity as spiderwoman from her dad and isolating herself in her room.

her dad tries to open up and talk to her about the case, hence the warm/orangey tones. but gwen remains blue, shutting him out. but when they hug, gwen is more purplish, showing a hint of her opening up.

the other scene i think is especially significant with her colour symbolism is the confrontation after the guggenheim sequence.

when gwen comes out as spiderwoman, the colours start to shift.

gwen is now candid, shes come out to her dad and is trying to make him listen and understand her. but just like gwens blues became pinks, george's pinks shift to blue.

the last image in this set is actually so chilling, the fear in his eyes hurt me deeply 💀 anyway

george hides behind his cop persona, avoiding and isolating from gwens confession to him, which is supported by the colour used to portray him.

all of this builds to what i think theyre trying to say about gwen being transgender. the typical gender to colour association is pink girl and blue boy. the choice of colour is deliberate here as much as it usually is with the spiderverse team. why use these two colours in this specific way? a lot of people who dont think gwen is a trans girl will say "well those two colours dont have to represent trans identity" they dont, but the details say that the spiderverse team (once again) is intentionally using them to talk about trans identity and coming out.

i think that by putting the "protect trans kids" poster in gwens room, and the trans flag patch on officer stacy's jacket show that theyre not just randomly picking the colours, but that they made the conscious choice for the boy associated colour - blue - to show hiding and isolation. whilst pink is about honesty and openness whilst being the girl associated colour. i think that the use of these colours in this way is saying that gwen is a trans woman.

and if ur still not convinced well

i havent even talked about the DIALOGUE in this movie and how trans it is. her arc (and miles' arc) across the two movies is such a queer coded story. "can i tell my dad, will he approve of me? will he still love me the same?" like it couldnt be more obvious. someone also mentioned somewhere that the side shave is also significant? like when she has the long hair facing toward the viewers its the same as the pink being used to show honesty and linked to femininity, and the short side almost like a masc haircut and being of the opposite meaning when its facing the audience. idk abt that one but its an interesting thought! that as well as her like having the same shoe size as hobie even tho that man is so fucking tall - yk this cuz her chucks are stated to be his.

anyways if u got that far, thanks???

and if u still deny that gwen is trans then idk what to say, u prob hate trans ppl

gwen is trans, they dont need to explicitly say it inorder for it to be true, just bc they didnt say gwen is trans, or miles is somehow queer, or hobie is gender non conformist, doesnt mean theyre cishet.

[asherthehimbo]

Love Talk - Song Mingi

prev | M. list | next chapter | [concert time]

word count 3.2K

warnings: mingi is down bad, like BAD bad, cursing, mature thoughts, thats ab it yall.

“Do we really have to be there so early?” Mingi’s voice nags from his spot in the doorway of Hongjoongs room. The elder male currently seated at his vanity trying to perfect the liner on his left eye, he doesn’t spare a glance at Mingi even though the taller of the two is complaining like a child. “Yes, Mingi you simply don’t understand the earlier we get there the more we get to experience” Hongjoong sighs out before clickling his tongue in satisfaction as he lets out a small cheer when his left eye’s liner finally matches his right eye. 

“Speaking of you should get ready, we leave in an hour” Hongjoong looks at Mingi as he stands up from the vanity, cracking his back, the chains that lay around his exposed abdomen make soft sounds as they move. “What do you mean? I am ready?” Mingi stands up straight, no longer leaning on the doorframe as he looks down at his outfit, suddenly self conscious about his choice of clothing under his leader's scrutinizing gaze.

“You’re kidding right?” Hongjoong rests his elbow on his jutted out hip as he looks Mingi up and down, “No? I don’t think there's anything wrong with my outfit.” Mingi voices. He’s dressed in  beige pants paired with black combat boots, he has a black sleeveless turtleneck on with a very fashionable boob window, he has a few rings on, the outfit is simple yet stylish, it compliments his newly dyed oreo hair perfectly; he thought it was a fine outfit for the concert. “The outfit itself is okay, but there's no way in hell you’re going to an incarnation's concert wearing absolutely NO pink, and dressed like that.” Hongjoong smacks his lips in distaste before walking past Mingi, grabbing his hand as he drags him out of the apartment down to Mingi’s dorm.

“I’m going to get you a better outfit.” Hongjoong throws Mingi on his bed the moment they enter the taller’s room and immediately makes a straight line to Mingi’s closet, completely ignoring the other rappers' yelp as he hits the bed. Looking at Hongjoongs outfit and then at his own Mingi supposes he sees his leaders point.

Hongjoong’s outfit consists of a pair of pink low waisted washed out jeans with WAY too many pockets in Mingi’s opinion, it’s held up with a white belt that's decorated in little pink rhinestones that wouldn't be visible if you didnt stand close enough to see. His top half holds a white long sleeved turtle neck, its cropped so it ends a little bit above his belly button, its cut so that his shoulders are exposed but arms are covered, the shirt sits so tight Mingi is sure Atiny’s would drool at the very visible outline of Hongjoongs chest. 

His exposed abdomen holds some simple silver chains that have a great contrast to the tan he recently acquired. Mingi’s pretty sure Hongjoong’s feeding into the femboy Hongjoong agenda Atiny created, but he looks good in the outfit so Mingi won't disagree. The rest of the outfit has silver and pink accessories, and white combat boots that make his leader seem taller than he normally is.

Hongjoong steps away from Mingi’s closet, throwing a pair of pastel pink camo pants Mingi didn't even know he owned, along with a very tight cropped tank top, its white like Hongjoongs but instead of the plain white it was english writing on it with a graphic design, Mingi doesn't know what it says, he can't read english. “Go put this on while i get shoes and accessories” Hongjoong says before moving to where Mingi’s shoes and jewelry are, not giving Mingi a chance to object. 

Mingi moves to his bathroom to get changed, he feels a bit more exposed and he wonders what he’s going to do if it gets cold, he doesn't know if Hongjoong will let him wear a jacket. While Mingi would usually object or complain about Hongjoong making him change, Mingi knows it'll be pointless since Hongjoong is very serious when it comes to these things. He looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and he has to admit, even though he doesn't have shoes or accessories for the outfit yet, Hongjoong did make a good choice.

When he walks out of the bathroom he sees white combat boots, not much different to Hongjoong’s own placed on his bed, along with a silver chain that has a lock charm on it for a necklace, some bracelets and rings lay there as well as Hongjoong sits on the bed next to his layout with some makeup in his hands, he’s smiling up at Mingi in a way that makes Mingi shudder. He's going to get back at Wooyoung and the others for this, mark his words.

—--------------

Sitting in their seats Mingi finds it hard to focus on the concert in front of him. Listen, it’s not his fault okay? They have good music, Mingi will admit, the song’s he’s heard so far will definitely stay stuck in his head for a while, and with Hongjoong’s excited blabbering every second Mingi started to enjoy himself. The way the crowd all had some pink on them, the way they moved in unison, it kind of reminded him of Atiny’s and that made him feel a bit more comfortable. 

Honestly he was paying attention, the drummer really caught his attention as he had a very unique way of rapping, but he turned his head once  after  a song had ended, just to look at the crowd once more, and he made eye contact with the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. Mingi swore his breath was knocked out of his lungs, the chillyness he felt before now long forgotten as his body heated up looking at the unknown male.

The male was tall, taller than Mingi definitely, broad shoulders and biceps that were straining against his white dress shirt in a way that made Mingi swallow his suddenly dry throat. Mingi could see faint black lines underneath the almost see through white shirt, tattoo’s maybe? The light of the stadium may have been dim but the way the pink led’s of the stage illuminated the man made him look stunning. Mingi wasn’t sure how long he was staring, but he knew it had been a while, and the man was staring right back, his neck turned a little backward because of where he was seated. 

The man crossed his arms and his shirt hugged his back tighter, Mingi is sure the man had a bigger chest that would be pushed together right now as well, and he wishes he was sitting a bit closer so he could see it. The man smiled at Mingi sweetly, waving at him with one hand- oh god what a hand it was. The song seemed to have ended as Mingi could register Hongjoong yapping to him, but he couldn't focus on the words of his leader though.

The man he’s been eye fucking for a solid half hour, the man whose been staring back at him the last few moments pulls out his phone and turns himself fully to the front making Mingi groan in annoyance as he lost his view, but quickly refocus as the man stood up. This man was built by the heavens, he was everything Mingi had dreamed a god would look like, before Mingi knew it he had half turned his face to Hongjoong, mumbling about how he had to go to the bathroom before standing up and following the unnamed man, leaving an open mouthed Hongjoong to stare at his retreating figure. “MINGI??? HELLO- that fucking bitch the intermission is in like 10 minutes he couldnt wait??” Hongjoong asks himself, not following after Mingi because the band on the stage had started their next song.

Mingi follows the man all the way outside to a vending machine, the man got himself a bottle of water before tipping his head back and chugging the whole bottle, giving Mingi a clear view of the way his adam's apple bobs up and down, his hand, that Mingi can now see is decorated with rings, and a snake tattoo that starts at his middle finger and disappears into the sleeve of his shirt. The water bottle is thrown into the nearest trash can and the man continues walking, Mingi continues following. 

Once they reach the outside the man stops, puts on a black zip up hoodie and pulls out a cigarette, placing it between his plump lips, lighting it and blowing out a puff of smoke before he turns his head to look at Mingi, shit. Mingi kind of may have forgotten he was visible, but in his defense, he wasn’t thinking, not a good defense but his nonetheless. Now standing awkwardly watching the guy he believes to be the love of his life staring him down like a piece of meat, Mingi doesn't know whether he’s turned on or scared, maybe a mix of both?

“Hello? Ah wait, uhm do you know english? Uhm, hello?” The man’s voice is raspy and deep, even more so than Mingi’s and he swears he can feel his knees fighting for their lives to not give up on him. Mingi tries to respond but it takes him a while, his mouth closing and opening before he clears it to respond, “Hello, uhm you speak Korean?”

The man takes a while, blinking slowly, before responding “A little bit, I’ve been learning. I’m [Name]”, the man places the cigarette back between his lips and stretches his hand out for Mingi to take, Mingi stares at the hand for a while, just repeating the name he heard in his head. He shocks out of his trance when [Name] awkwardly starts to let his hand fall believing Mingi didn’t want to grab it. 

Mingi desperately fumbles in a way that [Name] finds absolutely adorable, “Uh I’m Mingi. You’re very prett- I mean uhm you have a really pretty name” Mingi smiles up at him, despite his obvious nerves his smile is still one of the sweetest things [Name] has ever seen. Now, [Name] had two options here, tell Mingi he knows him  and that he’s a huge fan OR play it off cool and act like he doesn’t know Mingi. He chooses the third option by tripping over his own words. “I know, uhm I have a friend that likes your band so I know who you are I mean.” 

‘HE KNOWS WHO I AM OMFG HE KNOWS HOLY SHIT SDEHFD VBFVIUERHERGJNERGVHURFJG, HE KNOWS OMW NAME KNOWS WHO I AM I'M GONNA END IT ALL WHY OMFG I NEED TO TALK TO YUNHO ABOUT THIS HOLY SHIT’ “oh, I see” Mingi’s cheeks, redder than a crimson flower betrays the words he responds with despite the internal freak out he’s currently experiencing. Mingi moves closer to stand next to [Name] as they both rest their backs on the wall. “You like Incarnations?” he asks, his accent is obvious but his korean is pretty good for a beginner Mingi thinks. “Uhm, no, Hongjoong-hyung is a big fan, I like their music but I haven't really listened to them” Mingi’s voice is a bit stuttery as he speaks. [Name] hums and the sound makes Mingi’s knees weak, “Why you out here then? Not inside with him?” 

Mingi, in an effort to lie and not expose the fact that he followed him purely out of attraction just goes “Oh, uhm too many people I guess”  [Name] nods, “Yeah I get that….you stay here with me?” Mingi knows he probably meant to ask if he wanted to stay outside with him, but with the language barrier it sounds like he’s asking to stay with him, no matter the reason and that makes a warm feeling flutter in his chest. He just makes a noise of agreement and they both stay silent for a while.

“Hm… you want to get out of here?” [Name] asks and Mingi coughs in surprise, “Huh?!” he turns to look at [Name]. “Uhm, walk around, get drink, fresh air” now that [Name’s] sentences are more intricate his words get more choppy, yet somehow Mingi understands him. “yeah, yeah I'd like that” Mingi smiles, “let me just text my friend first” he says as he pulls out his phone and [Name] nods. 

“Where would you want to go?” Mingi asks as he pockets his phone, “hm I don't know Korea well. Just walk around?“ [Name’s] brows furrow as he tries to concentrate on his words and Mingi chuckles at his face. [Name] looks at him questioningly and without thinking Mingi just responds “you're cute when concentrating” he slaps a hand on his mouth as he realizes what he just said. [Name’s] cheeks heat up at Mingis words. “thank you…” he mumbles and Mingi has to stop himself from cooing. 

“There's a really nice park a little while away from here if you want to go there?” Mingi asks and he sees [Name’s] face contort to confusion once again, silently mouthing the words to himself before his face lights up in recognition as he nods his head.  He blew out the last puff of his cigarette before throwing it in the bin nearby. “lead way” he motions as he extends a hand out in front of him once again and Mingi nods before he starts walking slowly as he makes sure [Name] is following him. 

They walk out, past the security that nods at them and the night air is chilly, Mingi wants to shiver but he doesn't yet. He doesn’t want to seem pathetic, yet his chills against the night air must have been glaringly obvious as  [Name] takes off his zip up hoodie and places it on Mingi's shoulders, despite the instant heat that churns in Mingis stomach he sends a questioning look to the taller male. “You're cold and need a hoodie, '' he says as he shrugs nonchalantly, playfully pulling the hood over Mingis head. Mingi takes a moment to process what happened before he starts giggling as he puts the hoodie on properly before zipping it up. He's overwhelmed with the scent of cherries and his mind starts to wander about burying his face in [Name’s] neck to get a better smell. 

Before his thoughts could drift completely he's snapped out of them by [Name] “cute, you're giggle” he says as he smiles at Mingi, placing a hand on his head teasingly, “cute little giggle” and Mingi whines in protest, placing his face in his hands to avoid the others gaze.  “Come on, don't hide your cute smile from me” as he speaks in English his voice drops even lower due to the familiarity of the language slipping from his tongue, and the warmth that's started to form in Mingi's stomach moves lower. 

[Name] moves closer as he gently wraps his jeweled hands around Mingi's wrists, pulling his hands away from his face, he lets go and places a hand on Mingi's chin forcing him to look up at him. Mingi's eyes wide and glossy, his whole face red as a wide smile is spread across his lips.  “See? such a beautiful smile.. hiding it from me would be a crime darling”

Now Mingi didn't understand much English, he understood the main message behind the tallers words, sure but he didn't know specifics, yet as the last word dripped hot from his tongue, like candle wax to skin, flowing past his mischievous smile, Mingi understood. Of course he knows that word, it sends chills up his spine almost as if it's the phantom of [Name’s] fingers tracing the indent of his back himself.  

It’s as if the other can understand the way Mingi’s mind drifts, he stands a bit closer, placing his hand on the small of Mingi’s back, “You lead the way, remember?”  he tilts his head as he looks gently at Mingi. Mingi jumps at the other man's contact with his back, but when [Name] moves his hand away and starts to apologize, Mingi stops him by grabbing his hand, wrapping it around his waist in a sudden burst of confidence fueled by lust. “I was just surprised, don’t stop.” He says as he guides the taller’s hand to be placed perfectly on his hip. [Names] eyes widen a fraction, before he nods his head as he lets a little smirk slip, causing one of his fang like teeth to poke out, and it makes Mingi’s neck ache, just the thought of those teeth biting into his flesh. “Yeah uh- uh yeah there's a park ahead” Mingi chokes out as he and [Name] walks, it’s silent but not in a bad way, almost comforting.

It confuses Mingi, why he trusts this random man, no matter how handsome, but he doesn't have time to dwell as he sees the outline of the park in the distance, he points to it to alert the male next to him who hums in acknowledgement. “You go to the park a lot?” the taller asks. “No, not really, not this one specifically at least. I used to go to parks at night a lot. I was kind of a shy kid, so my mom would bring me at night, or dusk- depending on how busy our day was.” Mingi spills, it's almost like the normal filter of socially acceptable words one shares with strangers is non-existent. [Name] nods as he takes a moment to understand Mingi’s words. Imagining a baby Mingi in the park with his mom, brings a smile to his face.

“Hm, what was your favorite part of the park?” [Name] inquires as the two walk, outline of the park becoming clearer as they get closer, “Probably the swings, it was always so fun when my mom would push me- I felt like I was flying, no matter what happened that day, when I was on the swings I was free.” Mingi has a wistful look on his face and it warms [Names] heart. “Do you wanna swing then? I'll push you” his voice rings in Mingi ears as Mingi realizes they now stand in front of the swings, he’s been so focused on speaking and [Names] comforting hand on his hip that he zoned out. “Oh- would you be fine with that?”  Mingi tilts his head as he questions [Name] who nods in response as he holds one of chains of the swing, motioning for Mingi to sit. 

Mingi sits down, steadies himself, before he tilts his head backward to look up at [Name] who's standing behind him. The top of his head is pressed against [Names] stomach as his eyes, big and brown, studies the other's face. [Name] leans down and places a peck to Mingi’s forehead, “Tell me more about yourself, princess” he speaks in a sultry voice, his breath hot against Mingis face, and before Mingi can react, [Name] pushes Mingi as the swing creaks. Mingi squeaks in surprise and [Name] gives a joyful laugh. 

The sounds of the two men echo through the air, but there’s no one around to hear them, the night for once being quiet. The moon looks down at them, and she knows her children will be happy tonight.

notes: RAAHHH FINALLYYYYY I GOT TO WRITINGG AGAINNN, so anyway i'm busy with the next chapter of this and my other smau, hoping to get out one more chapter this weekend I just don't know for which story, this is NOT proofread guys pls if u find any errors tell me

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copyright | 2024 | @asherthehimbo

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hello! Could I request headcannons for the TADC crew (plus Gummigoo) with a GN! Reader who was siblings with Kaufmo and are basically distraught after his abstraction? Could be platonic or romantic it’s your choice! :)

Various TADC characters x reader who is kaufmos sibling

Sorry anon but I dont currently take cast shots for requests! Nothing against you!/gen/nm

Characters: gummigoo, pomni, ragatha, gangle

Notes: reader is GN, post funeral, au where gummigoo gets to stay, platonic leaning post

CWs: grief

Gummigoo

Hes still new to being conscious, and the idea of abstraction is totally new to him... and hes terrified. Can he abstract even if hes not a real person?

He internalizes his own feelings when hes around you because he knows you need him in that moment

awkwardly pats your back and lets you air out your feelings to him as he tries to figure out what to say

he feels so fake saying that he was a good person, because he didnt get to know him so he sticks with just letting you vent and talk about him

he learns about your brother through your memories

Ragatha

you both talk about him and exchange stories about him, theres tears and laughs... there are a lot of feelings cycling around.. i feel between all the characters, shes the most likely to make you feel better

cries with you when you bring it up, she offers to take you to her room so you can have some privacy... or you can both go to your room so you have the familiarity of your space!

offers to make you something to remember him by; whether it be plush or pillow or blanket.. but she totally respects you if you need time before accepting something such as that- its not like a mural or a photo if that makes sense... it feels different than that

you both leave flowers at his door, you each take the time to reminisce about him together between the chaos of the circus

Pomni

similar to gummigoo, she feels fake when she nods and agrees when you say kaufmo was this or that because she didnt get to know him

she sits and lets you get in your feelings, lets you grieve it out with her

gently coaxes you to talk more about him, if it makes you feel better

she doesnt know how to go about this because its such a tender subject and she doesnt want to say or do anything that can make it worse

awkward back pats as you cry your eyes out

Gangle

Sometimes the two of you sit together and draw.. usually its anything, to keep your mind off of.. recent events..

I think she would offer to draw a portrait if kaufmo for you, a mural of sorts so you have something of him

she listens to you talk about him and does her best to try to console you, even if she doesnt always know what to say

i can see her being pretty empathetic, at least based on what little we have of her so far... she feels for you and might even cry with you

[goddessofroyalty]

something i thought about; viktor (& jayce) made the conscious choice to get pregnant even though he has the vague memories of silco not being in very good shape after his brothers were born. i imagine his doctor asks him about family history when it comes to pregnancy and jayce more or less says that he himself was a big baby and his mom was put on bedrest for the last stretch of her pregnancy. but viktor asks if he can bring in his dam for the next appointment cause he does Not have the details and uh. what silco says (because he does go. hes not thrilled about giving out personal details about his health but its for viktor, he'll do it) probably ends up lowkey scaring viktor cause he didnt remember it being THAT bad!

Viktor does probably have some knowledge of what happened with all of Silco's pregnancies by the time he and Jayce and thinking about having one. Once the kids got to a certain age it kind of just became part of Silco's monologuing about what he has done and what he has been through to get to where he is, the necessary sacrifices and suffering for success, touch of reason why he is so determined to see them succeed, etc, etc. And he probably told Viktor a bit about it when Viktor presented to make sure Viktor knew what he would be getting into if he did decide to have a baby.

Viktor knew pregnancy isn't going to be easy for him. He just decided it was worth it in order to create a child that is a mix of him and Jayce.

I still think he gets Silco to agree to join him for the next appointment because he doesn't know the full details of it all and it is a bit trusting his memory of what Silco told him over years of off-hand comments and monologue details. And, while on one hand Silco doesn't love giving out his health details to practically a stranger, on the other he does enjoy a little the dawning horror on the doctor's face as he lists off the things that happened during his pregnancies (that he survived).

It does hit Viktor a little differently hearing it while actively pregnant himself. But, again, I think he always knew pregnancy wasn't going to be easy so it's just about managing whatever issues pop up to get him and the baby through. But it's definitively daunting to know what Silco went through to have him and his brothers now he's going down the same path of having a baby.

I think Jayce gets scared from it. The kind of pregnancy complications he thinks of is stuff which is uncomfortable but not dangerous (his mother is on bedrest because his weight was so much it was uncomfortable and difficult to her to be up on her feet more than it being risk to either her or his health but also he's thinking about things like morning sickness and additional fatigue). It hasn't occurred to him that he could lose Viktor in this (until now). But Silco nearly died with Mylo. And both Viktor's and Claggor's complications carried the risk of them not making it that they luckily avoided. Jayce's stress levels are going through the roof and he's going to end up so protective of Viktor as a result.

[sneppu]

last post I'll make on this probably

ok so about That Post. it was an ill-conceived, stream-of-conscious before-bed post. it was a hot take, by nature not everyone would agree. That It came from a place projection, as someone who is very much in the sort of demographic who would be subject to slurs probably didnt help.

I should have worded it better, to make it clear what the thought actually was (This anon worded it far better than I ever could!), and also to make it clear that it was an opinion on a subject that is in of itself not very well defined in the canon anyway. I probably shouldve clarified and called it headcanon, because my interpretation of the subject could differ so much from other peoples (and evidently, it did! and thats ok.)

I didnt like my post being misunderstood, and that now some people are under the impression that I dismiss all of Snapes faults, when I really dont (The whole point of him is that he's morally grey and makes terrible choices! thats the whole appeal!) but again, I was the one who worded it poorly, and didnt make my full, complete and exact thoughts clear. People responded and disagreed and that's their right to do so. (for the record, I literally agree with a lot of what they said, and have even responded to say so! those responses are still there, though idk if anyone ever saw them.)

... I dont appreciate the hate I got from anons. You know who you are. This will be the ONLY mention I give to those. The rest of the anons were very sweet! thank you for that.

I think this whole situation was just a perfect unfortunate storm - i was already in a bad situation irl, I woke up to this situation over here, and then soon after heard very upsetting news about a friend, and then the situation here just kept going. I've been trying to avoid tumblr since - my irl problems arent anyones fault. It was admittedly a bit upsetting, and demoralizing (NO ONES FAULT BUT MINE!!) - I dont actually have much experience in fandom. I had 1-2 or so years of active posting in a VERY different fandom before this and that was ALL. This account here, was my real return to any online space in general after a very difficult hiatus, so suffice it to say, I'm not really used to any of this. (i also have trouble understanding tone from text a lot of times. thats no ones fault either.)

I didnt want to cause trouble, and I didnt wanna make anyone angry, and certainly didnt wanna make things worse, or cause drama for anyone. I just wanted to post sneep art and the occasional thought. gonna dial it back now on the thoughts! stick to silly posts lighthearted posts only! not because anyone was wrong for disagreeing with me or anything like that, but because I recognize that I am not equipped for such things at this current time!

Thats all! I'm so sorry to anyone whos annoyed by all this. I feel like i ruined The Sneep Zone with my problems™ You didnt follow to see weird discourse - followed for Sneeps!

Sneeps ONLY from now on.

[neptune-scythe]

deleted and rewording my previous post since most people totally missed my point and didn't like my wording ... which i worded it very intentionally to be disruptive and make you go "oh damn i never thought of that that's awful wow" instead of the general reaction of "oh damn i never thought of that and i'm never going to think about that and you're awful for mentioning it"

so here goes

something that the show and, from what i've seen, the fandom as well have glossed over is the effect killing Doug would have on Maddie. yes she absolutely made the right choice in that moment and was incredibly brave for doing so and she knows that. but that doesn't take away from what the action of taking a life has on ones mind.

no one can ever be 100% certain about anything, especially something huge and traumatic like that, so there will probably always be some part of her, however tiny and minuscule that wonders if that really was the only option, or if it's not somehow a reflection of who she is as a person ... which her conscious mind will know these thoughts aren't truth, that she made the best decision she could and that she only did what she had to do to survive ... and that Doug was the one who made that situation absolute, that it was either kill or be killed for both of them.

But we've even seen her see herself as a danger and a threat to the people she loves (running away after Jee slipped under the water because Maddie didn't think it was safe for her to be around her daughter anymore), and while that is a common enough symptom of depression to feel/think that way, it could also be in part to the fact that she'd killed Doug.

Objectively the situations are vastly different, but trauma has a way of skewing objectivity and defying logic and rationality but making just enough sense that you can't quite seem to dismiss it.

And add onto that the fact that Maddie was blamed for literally everything for her entire marriage, and even in childhood to a certain extent (her parents immediately saying "what did you do to him" when Buck crashed his bike) and the kind of guilt that burrows deep inside you because of that. Even just before she killed Doug he was blaming her for "forcing him to stab Chimney", for pushing him to kill the gas station worker and for hurting her. She's known nothing but blame and guilt for years.

And while yes by that time she's healed some from that and realized that it isn't her fault, especially the people he killed or tried to kill, but that doesn't mean she can just dismiss it, especially so soon after leaving him and breaking free of that abuse.

but per the point of my previous post that I deleted

the show really only mentioned the effects of that in the one episode and only in three comments, "everything gets worse for you if he dies", "I killed someone I used to love, I'll never be free of that", "I just really needed to talk about how i really feel about killing my husbasnd", and then just ... didn't mention it ever again.

but that kind of trauma doesn't just go away, and while yes by now she's healed and overcome that and is living her life and thriving with her family, that doesn't mean the trauma is just magically gone. healing is not linear, and that is something I notice fandom spaces don't like the idea of generally. the concept that a healed character might still get triggered or experience doubts or fears caused by that trauma. and that's something that I think we should be talking about more instead of the seemingly majority view that healing means the trauma is magically gone and will never effect you ever again.

but to circle back to the original post

it was about the idea that sometimes that doubt and fear ... that trauma, might come back, it might tell Maddie that she didnt act out of self defense, that she's just a killer... and that she might kill Chimney too. which obviously we can all agree is something that is completely false, but trauma has a way of getting inside your brain and gaslighting you, making you doubt everything you thought you knew, it may very well make her doubt the intention of her actions, or make her wonder if that action was really a reflection of who she is as a person deep down.

which again, obviously is entirely false, she was absolutely justified in her actions and it was showing her bravery and tenacity and strength, not making her a horrible or dangerous person. and definitely not some kind of omen or fate that she's trapped in

but her mind ... her trauma, might tell her it is. and she might almost believe it

maybe that was part of why she went to the ocean, and why she left for Boston, because her trauma told her she'd killed Doug and now she'd almost killed her daughter, and that was a pattern, and a sign of her true self ... and maybe she believed it. In the state she was in mentally it would be very hard to challenge that thought, to remind herself that it wasn't true.

especially given she's struggled with depression since the age of 9 or 10, and never had a safe space or the tools to process the loss of her brother, and then basically having to raise Buck while still being a child herself, and going right from that into an abusive marriage. she's been in survival mode pretty much her entire life, struggling with grief and guilt and trauma that she never had the chance to actually work through and process until after she left Doug, which makes fighting the lies her traumas tell her all the more challenging

but the point of the post was yes we all praise and talk about how strong and courageous and brave she is for going through all the horrible things she has and moving on and thriving and living her life, and we all want to see her continue to thrive and be happy and healthy and living the best life she can

but that trauma is a part of her, the messy aftermath of that is still a part of her and to a certain extent probably always will be, and denying that is denying a huge part of her as a person. and that doesn't take away from her strength at all or mean that she hasn't healed. it just means she's a human who has been through some awful circumstances that she didn't deserve and she came out the other side and is refusing to let it ruin her, but it will always be a part of her, that trauma, no matter how healed she is, and that's okay. because she has healed, she is healing, she's moving on and living her life. and she deserves every bit of that and more.

but I think the messy sides of trauma, the doubts and irrational fears and straight up lies it makes one believe is just as worthy of talking about as the perseverance and strength of overcoming that trauma. the type of things that are taboo, the things that people told me were disgusting to even think about, they are real things that real people experience and there is no reason why it should be such an awful impossible concept to believe that a person might doubt themselves and have their mind and traumas tell them horrible lies about themselves. such is life, such is the human experience, the traumatized experience. and it deserves talking about

[moonpool-system]

Ok so for questions, i think i'll send a bunch.

- How it feels to switch?

- Do you talk to each other?

- Are switches completely uncontrollable all the time or it's fluctuates?

- who is the oldest fictive in the system, in terms of being in the systems, not age in source? How much they changed?

- some examples of fictive being extremely different from source?

- Is there fictives of ongoing series/game/etc which don't have end yet? How they react to their original and plot? Can they watch it, or they prefer not to? Does it mess with their memories?

- silly question. Let's say you are werewolf, and everyone can choose one animal for themself, instead of a wolf to become it. what would be the most popular choice, and what everyone thinks? How they approach it?

Hello! Thank you for your patience!

🌌 Switching feels different depending on the member and situation, tbh! Our monoconscious switches feel basically like a slow sort of shapeshifting. We start out feeling like one member, and there's an in-between period of feeling like someone stirred together too many colors into a mush, and we come out the other side re-formed into the other member. We don't know what happens to monoconscious members that leave front/the consciousness- sometimes they're gone for months, and feel like they've been unconscious/unaware the entire time when they return. As for polyconscious members though, for us it usually feels like letting go of control and allowing the perspective of the other person/member to take your place. Falling out of front sort of feels like dozing off to sleep for me since my subsystem can't enter headspace, but the line between fully fronting and simply co-conscious is much thinner than we used to think. Sometimes we won't even notice before someone in co-con slips into front, using the body for themselves. "Front" is a doubly accurate word here because the person most in front often feels like the one that's "facing forwards the most" toward the outside world. When unintentional (polycon) switches happen there's usually a block of dissociation in the middle as well, where we feel like nothing (rather than color soup for monocon ones) for a little bit. In general, a full switch takes between 5 and 20 minutes for us.

🌌 We talk to each other frequently, even though our actual ability to call people to co-con outside of our frequent fronters is a little sketchy depending on where they are in headspace. Our communication is part of what keeps us grounded and stable; being able to hear each other lessens our paranoia and allows us to hang out or work together without needing to all be fully fronting. Things our co-conscious members say simply sound like a mental voice that's different from mine/ours- when we're texting others, the member most in front proxies out the words said by other members so that they don't need to use the body to type.

🌌 It fluctuates! Rarely they're uncontrollable, sometimes they're involuntary but we're able to pull in who we need to if we force it, and sometimes they're voluntary enough that the old fronter makes the choice to let go whilst the new fronter makes the choice to "slip in".

🌌 The earliest known fictive in the system is a Peridot (Steven Universe) fictive that formed around when we were 14 or so, but they're so incredibly quiet and keep to themself, so we don't know much about them actually. The secondmost though is Akira (Persona 5)- ae formed around high school, when we needed to advocate for ourselves due to autism and high school troubles. He used to be our main host, loud and proud about our disability(/ies, but we didnt know that at the time). Nowadays ae actually separated into two versions of aerself- one that stayed with the Prism subsystem and another that ended up outside it. The two are connected intrinsically, and both are constantly burnt out and enjoy cooking/food. The latter one runs a café/bar/lounge in headspace and likes to flirt around lol

🌌 We have quite a few fictives from sources that haven't ended yet- the one that's been around most lately is Pomni (The Amazing Digital Circus). A lot of our fictives consider their exomemories a past life under Chaos Theory regardless of origin; it's most common for fictives to be mostly canon-compliant with a few divergent memories. So when we watch more of source, it tends to either clear up foggy memories or give our members something to compare/contrast against. Not many of our fictives watch their source actively in front, but they (usually) end up getting the information on what happened regardless. Most of our fictives are fairly source-positive, but that doesn't mean things can't be rough sometimes- episode 2 of TADC still has Pomni a little shaken. (I wouldn't be mentioning it here if she hadn't made a vent post earlier, privacy and all)

🌌 This is a fun question!! We have a lot of nonhumans but not too many animals/creatures/etc, so it's easier to get a rough estimate among our members lol. Most of our Creatures™ are cat-coded or like in-between felid and canid in some way- we actually have an original species in the system as well, so I think we'd probably go with this!

Here's a picture of Kit, one of our members of the species! It's roughly sourced from the Slugcats from Rain World, but clearly a lot has shifted and changed ahaha. We'd probably choose this form for were-purposes- our more creature™ members would feel so much more comfortable. Plus, being able to be so physically athletic while transformed would be great for a lot of our cooped-up members!

Thank you so much for the questions! Have a lovely day!

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

What if the events of Lost But Never Found (your au with the amnesiac 2012 Leo turned battle nexus champion) happened in the same universe as Ghost In The Shell (SAINW Donnie adopting the rise kids) how would Ghost react to that?

Oho :)

Imagine being Ghost for a second. You and your family just managed to send the Shredder back to its Prison Dimension (or at least you hope that Big Mama would keep her word on that, but knowing her its honestly a gamble) and as you're going home, Leo suddenly runs ahead yelling that they need to hurry, they need to go help Indigo. Who the hell is Indigo?

Well when you and your family get back Leo hurries to the medbay, and you naturally follow him.

Only to see another mutant turtle wearing strange armor and wraps, badly injured, covered in so many scars, barely conscious and most importantly, holding a knife to Donnie's throat.

Well he is until he passes out from bloodloss and exhaustion.

How are you even supposed to process that?

Once he's out of the of the armor (so many more scars were hidden underneath) and bandaged up, a blood test is drawn.

And it turns out that not only is this turtle actually a mutant, but a biological match to Hamato Yoshi.

Aka Splinter.

Even worse, this kid says he's been fighting in the Battle Nexus quote "For as long as I can remember" (which for Indigo/Leo is only 4 months. He's been in this dimension for 4 months and he cant remember anything before the 4 months so... :3)

Ghost is devastated. This...this is one of his kids. One of his children was forced to fight in the Battle Nexus for so long that he doesnt remember anything from before the Nexus. (not really but thats the only conclusion you could draw based on the many MANY scars it makes sense to come to that conclusion)

How did this happen? Did Draxum make another turtle using Splinter's DNA? Or was Indigo created at the same time as the others? If so why did he get left behind? How did he end up in the Nexus and in Big Mama's clutches?

Did...did Draxum sell Indigo to Big Mama? Or just give him up? Did Big Mama have Indigo trained purely to fight in the Nexus? She's clearly not above putting loved ones in the arena, she did it to Splinter already.

Still raising a child just to make him fight to the death? Thats so unbelievably evil and cruel. Ghost thought Big Mama wouldnt stoop that low.

But the scars covering Indigo's body (some of which are several YEARS old), the pure exhaustion in his strange eyes, the pure survival instincts so deeply ingrained into this kid is all the proof you need.

Can he even be called a kid? He looks older than the kids, even older than Raph. Indigo looks like he's 18-20 at the minimum...but if he's truly been fighting in the Battle Nexus for years it would make sense for him to look much older than he actually is.

Ghost understands, god he understands, in the Battle Nexus every fight is life or death, kill or be killed. Recovering from that ordeal is beyond difficult. And Indigo has presumably been in the Battle Nexus for much loger than Ghost has.

So I can imagine that Ghost would be the most patient while trying to help Indigo adjust now that not every moment is a fight to survive. (Especially when dealing with Indigo's very murdery tendencies. If Indigo feels like you are a threat to either himself or his brothers there is a very HIGH chance you will end up dead. He became one of the top FIVE battle nexus fighters for a reason.His current body count is 301 for a reason)

But Ghost is also the most protective over the new family member. (You thought Ghost was motherhening the Rise kids wait till he starts with Indigo. If Big Mama or Draxum even look at Indigo they better pick a god and pray. Indigo is still healing and Ghost will be damned if he lets his new child suffer anymore than he already had too.)

Indigo is basically Ghost's worst fear for the Rise kids come true. A kid who lost his entire childhood fighting battles that werent his and didnt have a choice in the matter. He didnt get to be a kid.

And now Indigo has dozens of scars, physical and mental, all because of Big Mama being a selfish asshole and force her own child to become a battle nexus champion

But...things will start to make Ghost question how true his current theory is. Like for example, Indigo is physically different from the Rise kids. (Short and stocky, round three toed feet) the strange nightmares that start becoming more and more frequent as time goes on (and oddly specific too, like sinking in the ocean, helmet exploding in outer space, getting attacked by a metal monster in the winter, getting thrown through a window, decapitating a metal and bone monster) the fact that he primarily uses twin katanas as weapons, little mannerisms that keeping showing up that remind Ghost too much of Leonardo.

And the gaps in the story dont help. How old was Indigo when he first started fighting in the Battle Nexus? Who trained him before that (because it is OBVIOUS that Indigo has gotten formal training that the Battle Nexus would provide) why doesnt Indigo recognize Draxum? Why doesnt Draxum know who Indigo even is? Why does Indigo act so much like Leonardo sometimes that its uncanny?

Too many things dont add up about that story

However unlike Donnie, Ghost can understand keeping secrets (he has so, so many secrets) so he doesnt try to pry too much. But he cant help but wonder what exactly happened to Indigo

Little does Ghost know, that Indigo already has a family thats looking for their big brother...

(@bluepeachstudios I borrowed ghost for a second, also love GITS its one of my favorite fics now)

[genderdotcom]

idk how much of zenos's death im willing to ascribe to an active choice to stay dead actually. like i think im going back on this one to say its a natural consequence of his beliefs and certainly is not one he raged against but i think it comes down more to answering the question. he came back bc of a desire to understand, even if he didnt realise that until much much later, and when he understood (and when the pinnacle had been achieved) to live and to die would have been identical, in a way.

but ALSO on the OTHER hand for him to live would have symbolised him continuing to chase gratification without connection. instead, he returns to the lifestream- as all souls do- because in the moment where he and the wol died he understood the whole thing about meaning found between people. so he returns to the star (being "together") rather than living being apart. again, not a conscious choice he made, just my take on The Themes

[auz-ghost-bones]

There Are Always Lyrics In My Mind ~ Mostly Ethel Cain Lyrics Lol

Im just so tired. Im tired of the hauntings. Feeling his touch. I never even saw it from my own perspective until now. I was looking at myself from a different perspective. My therapist would say it was my brain's way of saving me

I see myself from behind but its still from my perspective in a way. I can feel it now. Its all coming back to me. Ethel would say I forgive it all as it comes back to me. Ethel and god may forgive but I dont

please forgive me Ethel, because i dont. i dont forgive any of them

I push and push and push down my pain. Fiona would say the tears calcify in my tummy. But the rock has gotten far to heavy to keep inside. Today I wailed like I never have. I wanted to keep it in, walk into work like nothing happened. But by body expelled the hurt before i had a chance to ignore it.

then wondered what if i drove my headlights off a bridge

if i discard myself like him. like my first boyfriend as he told me "i wanted to take my anger out on you". like the next one that wanted me to sell my body for his profit. the ones that wanted to steal my youth. the ones that blamed me. its disgusting but i dont want to stoop to their level

i cant prove them right. if i discard myself it will only be a self fulfilling prophecy. but they would be haunted by me. as Lingua Ignota may say i would become the disease of men. those men

yet how do i become the disease as i am still alive. how do i haunt them as i am still alive. i want to bend the tall grass. i want to bend and break them

i cant tell a child she will grow up to be defiled. born into a situation that will only breed misusage. and die. fate has already fucked her sideways. never. i will never do that to her

god they make me sick. i hope i make them sick like ethel. i hope i haunt them like cassyette. i hope i will one day bend the tall grass like Kristin

i am aching. i fall then rise. i am broken then repaired. i am decrepit. yet i still leap into a vengeful gallop

ethel's father told her if they strike once then hit them twice as hard. she realizes, if i bend under the weight that they gave me then this heart would break and fall as twice as far

i can not act like my abuser. i cannot bend at the knee to form a punch, my heart will fall in the process and shatter. i cant haunt them. i cant hurt them. it will only hurt me. that's what it is like to have a conscious, unlike those fuckers.

my only choice is to keep standing much like ethel. its agonizing but i must. hayden said ethel was strong and i didnt see it at first. i didnt see her as weak, i just didnt see her strength. but as i feel the twinge in my back. the urge to bend and lunge. the urge to fall, throw myself down and take them with me. i learn just how much power it takes to continue to stand

[rillils]

imagine post endgame bucky having to go alone, without someone to support him, to say sorry to all the people whos family he killed and he keeps saying that he didnt have a choice as his excuse

and he keeps thinking that its not a good enough excuse, that hes not good enough

no, you see, you see!! one of the things that made me uncomfortable about their treatment of Bucky, back when I was watching tf*ws, is precisely this

gonna slap this under a cut because BOY I have things to say

I WWILL NEVER STOP BEING MAD ABOUT THIS. I MEAN.

deciding that he has to apologize for all those deaths implies that he murdered those people willingly, while he was perfectly aware of his actions, of their consequences, and just did it anyways. so now, you know, he has to "atone for his sins", or make amends or whatever. so we're just going to send him off to those dead people's relatives to immolate himself because of course that's the only right thing to do. BUT idk, say what you will, this entire concept just sits wrong with me, I can't help it.

like first of all, we're acting as though killing all those people was a conscious choice on his part, as though he were completely 100% in control of himself and actively chose to murder a bunch of people, just because it suited him or something, when we know, WE FUCKING KNOW, WE HAVE BEEN LITERALLY SHOWN THIS, IT'S A RECURRING THEME IN AT LEAST 2 OF THE CAP MOVIES, that THIS. was NOT. the CASE. and fuck anyone who says any different tbh, mcu included

second, they might argue that by walking up to the victims' relatives and apologizing, Bucky's giving them closure or something, but. just. look at this from their point of view, right. as far as they're concerned, this is the guy who murdered their loved ones in cold blood, and he's just! walking free! getting away with murder(s), apparently without suffering any consequences whatsoever for all his crimes and all the grief he has caused. is that REALLY gonna give anyone closure? or is it just going to hurt them more/make them even angrier/unnecessarily reopen old wounds when there's nothing, really, that can heal or soothe them at this point, but rather just make them more painful than they already were????

so, it doesn't give them closure. and it sure as fuck doesn't give him closure, either.

they send him on this horrible, tragic, terrifying, sad errand, and all he gets out of it is torturing himself some more. seeing the pain and the hatred for him on all of these people's faces, the moment he says "yes, it was me, I pulled the trigger, I killed this person you loved". like, torture, yes, torture!! that's all this is!!! that's all it earns him!!! no peace of mind, no sense of closure, no hint of forgiveness! just more pain!!!!!!

just. I just hate this, you know, I just. I really, really hate this. I especially hate how, as you said, the way they insist on him having to personally apologize is just going to make him feel like his own hardships (aka being physically and emotionally tortured until he broke down and had his identity, agency and free will stripped away from him) were just "an excuse". as though a victim (because THAT'S what he is, THAT'S what he always was, a victim himself) needed an excuse for all his suffering. as if he brought it upon himself. as if he was "asking for it".

nah, all of this, it's just going to make his sense of guilt grow stronger and deeper over time, making him feel even more Unworthy (unworthy of love, unworthy of acceptance, unworthy of living a normal life after everything he's been put through, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of being seen as a whole person, as a human rather than a murderer) than he already felt before, making his own pain so overwhelmingly powerful that he might end up feeling like his entire existence is a mistake, and everybody would be better off if he just wasn't around anymore. and that's just so horrifying that I refuse to contemplate it.

[azure-arsonist]

Mama's boy Touya Headcanons (and just general child Touya and Rei Headcanons)

Rei bought him that little star blanket we see when he was a baby. It had a matching baby onesie she regrets not getting the chance to take a photo of him in it.

Touya had a little star mobile Rei made for him out of folded paper. One time when he was a bit older he was throwing a tantrum and set it on fire. It's gone now. Neither remember exactly how it looked like.

Rei likes stars too, since her family was so isolated she didnt go out much, but she had the whole night sky.

Touya was a very energetic baby. He learned to crawl pretty fast. If you moved some furniture in the house, you can still see little black hand prints in the wood floor from when Touya would crawl. Rei never had the heart to tell Enji about them. Fuyumi has seen them though.

Loving Touya was one of the few choices Rei made for herself in that marriage, and she wanted it to be a conscious decision, something she put effort into despite her own personal issues with emotions.

The way Rei sees it, her and Touya are two sides of the same coin. Rei feels like she's too detached from her emotions and Touya feels his emotions too intensely. Both are unhealthy.

Rei and Touya see each other with a natural clarity compared to other members of the family. Rei knew why Touya was acting out and she tried to reach out to him but she knew she wasn't what he wanted or needed. Touya knew his mom was trapped in her own hell at that house and really regrets their last interaction.

If nothing had happened at Sekoto peak, Touya would have gone home and apologized and would have grown pretty close with his mother over time.

Rei used to tell Touya bedtime stories, usually old folktales, but sometimes Touya wanted her to make some up. She didn't think she was very good at it, but she always tried to come up with something. When Enji started wanting other children, though, she wasn't able to tell him stories as often. Eventually, Touya didn't want stories anymore, saying they were too childish.

Rei kept a private journal before she got hospitalized. None of her kids know about it and it's contents are pretty sad. Touya also keeps a journal. When he's not manic his handwriting is similar to Rei's