#he also complained somewhat often about me not sharing my work with him for learning purposes

[terrorbirb]

I know I complain about this constantly but it frustrates me whenever I need to edit a template to say "the engineer. She....". Instead of "the engineer. He.....". When it's a female engineer. I don't think anyone else has ever changed the pronouns but IDK! I think we should stop using "he/him" pronouns as the default for engineers on official documents!

Our office is rare in that it's 50% women in engineering so idk why we put up with this.

I know this is a small thing but it frustrates me. I'm really not supposed to edit these letters but I can't help myself with this.

[van-yangyin]

Ryuuya Kitta 1 ~ Introducing my family (I really don't know what title to put here 😕) - IcarRyuu [Ryuuya's POV]

Hello everyone… I don't know how these things work so…. I'm Ryuuya Kitta, nice to meet you all. Today, I'll start by introducing you to my family, my daddy Ryuu (瑠), my papa Tatsu (健) and my mommy Mikoto (光言). Almost all the pictures I'll share around here are made by me, if the quality is bad, especially when I was little and used analog cameras (specifically polaroids), you can't complain, I didn't know nor know how to make it better…. And it's not that I can change their quality, because are already made… who knows is my boy friend Icaro. I will indicate who is the author of the photograph, in the ones that aren't made by me.

I'll start by introducing myself, I'm Kitta Ryuuya (吉田竜矢), you can call me Ryuuya, I would tell you to call me Ryuu but better not, otherwise you want my father to think you call him. Well, unless you don't meet him, if you don't meet him, then you can call me Ryuu. My best friend Icaro sometimes calls me Ryuu-chan, although that's what my parents also call me… Unless they get mad at me because then they call me by my last name and first name, like all parents do when they get mad, I guess. Although I'm sure it's not necessary to point out that your parents won't call you by my last name and my first name, but by yours?

It always happens the same to me, why I start writing about something as simple as my first and last name and at the end I end up talking about what my parents call me and how parents call their children when they scold them? I hope that doesn't bore you because it's something that happens to me quite often.

Oh, that's right… I'll mention it now so I don't forget later and place it somewhere that it doesn't look well integrated. When I take photos I usually put a warm filter afterwards, because the ones I take look like are lifeless. By the way in the second picture I tried to get my best smile, it's not something I'm very good at…. I just wanted to clarify it, in case you find it weird. Also, English isn't my native language, so please be patient with it, and if I've written something really wrong let me know! I really like to learn and improve day by day.

I was born in Suita, in Osaka prefecture, Japan (rightmost part of the Komorebi area), as you can see, above I've put a photo to familiarize you a little bit with the place… Or at least with the concept of the place…. (although it's actually a photo of my old house, taken by me at the age of 7 or 8 before I moved to another place, that's why it looks so busy). At the age of 6, when my mother died, after a couple of years passed, my parents officially declared to the world that they loved each other and were going to continue raising me as a family, they argued with my maternal and paternal grandparents and we moved to Kizugawa City, Kyoto Prefecture, Japan (Evergreen Harbor). From a family house we ended up in a small apartment. I guess at that time my parents wanted to forget about my mother as soon as possible…. There I started at a new school and did quite well, especially with the theoretical subjects and baseball.

Oh, yes, I forgot! Although I don't know if it's something that should go here…. Before I turned 6, at the age of 4, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), a somewhat late diagnosis because of the doctor who took my study. And the doctor said that it would personally make some aspects of my daily life difficult, but it seems that those words to my daddy Ryuu were taken very seriously because to this day he keeps trying to help me in everything he thinks I need help with and also papa Tatsu has also made a kind of alliance with him and they're so heavy handed with me that I think the best way to call them would be helicopter dads. The photo was taken by daddy Ryuu… and they were the ones who put me in those clothes… I know, totally boring clothes.

My favorite animal has always been the cat. I've always loved cats, especially black cats. In fact I've always gotten along very well with them and they've gotten along very well with me, I guess we're alike at some point. The picture was taken by Icaro on the spur of the moment, in case that's something you're wondering about. By the way, have you guys ever listened to the song by 「黒猫のタンゴ」(Kuroneko no tango)? I leave you the link here, listen to it if you want and let me know what you think. This song is inspired by the Italian song "Volevo un gatto nero", if you listen to the tone of this one here, you will see that it's the same, although the songs have nothing to do with each other. The Italian version talks about how the singer wants a black cat but is always given a white cat in exchange for what the others want, while the Japanese version the black cat symbolizes the runaway girlfriend of the singer.

On the other hand, my favorite topics and the ones you will always find me talking about are music and videogames. I love playing the piano, it's something I discovered when I went to school and saw a piano for the first time. On the other hand, video games stimulate me and when it comes to the ones I love, I can't stop speculating everything that happens around it and memorizing everything in it. By the way, the photo was taken also by Icaro, he said loves it when I play the piano, because I transport him to other worlds. Although I was a little worried because Icaro was listening to me.

I think I've already written too much about myself, and I can say more in other posts, so now I'm going to start with my father Ryuu.

This is daddy Ryuu, I took his picture recently. He's a writer and loves to write books for adults. Well, there you can see him at work. A long time ago he married my mom and they had me, when a few years passed my mom died, time passed and papa Tatsu confessed to daddy Ryuu. Daddy Ryuu told me what it's to be bisexual, that he told Papa Tatsu that had always liked both men and women, but that he never wanted to make a step forward, because he also loved Mom very much and didn't want to break the beautiful relationship and friendship that had formed between the three of them. My paternal and maternal grandparents never accepted this relationship, they told him that if he was homosexual why had he played a role by marrying mom and they didn't accept that a person could be able to like both men and women, I think they didn't understand as well as I did what it was to be bisexual, even though I was 9 years old. They believe that you can only like one thing or the other, so with me they have no problem, although they don't know that I've fallen in love with Icaro for who he is and not for being a man, but that's something I'll write about in another publication. My grandparents want me to visit whenever I can, but they don't want to know anything about my parents.

He's papa Tatsu, for as long as I can remember I've always called him papa, although technically at that time he wasn't romantically with either daddy Ryuu or mommy. No one ever denied it to me, not even he himself, so I got used to calling him that from a very young age. When I was little, I called him daddy Tatu, it was very difficult at that time for me to pronounce the character "つ" (tsu), although surely the first few times they heard me pronounce it they laughed at me.

Papa Tatsu works as a journalist. Some time ago he told me that when was studying journalism he worked in a bar part-time. There he met daddy Ryuu while writing books that he sent to publishers to try his luck. He confessed to me that from the day he met him it was love at first sight. I remember asking him why he didn't confess his love to daddy until long after mommy died and he told me it was because he was already engaged to mommy and never wanted to stand in the way.

He also told me that was the best man at his wedding and that mommy always knew that he was in love with daddy Ryuu. In fact, he told me that it was thanks to mommy, for her words of support before she died, that to this day he was formally my dad, because he had the courage to step forward and confess his love. The picture above is one that papa Tatsu and mommy took before I was born, I have permission to post it.

I've always wondered why I look more like papa Tatsu than daddy Ryuu, but they've never said anything to me, so I'd rather let it be.

This is my mother, Mikoto. She has long since left us and protects us from the stars, the sun and the moon. She worked as a medical scientist and developed and conducted experiments to test new drugs and medical devices, as well as studying the root causes of diseases and improving the effectiveness of treatments. Daddy Ryuu says that some people are very sensitive or don't want to read things that may remind them of sad moments in their life, so please if you're reading this, I'm now going to talk about something that happened to my mom and you may not like to read it. The picture I've posted above was of what my mom looked like when I was still very little, something I don't remember and that baby she's holding, is me. That picture wasnt taken by me, it was taken by papa Tatsu, so all rights go to him, he gave me permission to scan it and post it. The written part that comes now you can pass it and go to the end or until you see again this red color, I don't want to cause you bad memories or bad feelings, in fact for that reason is why I left it last.

My mom, Mikoto, died when I was 6 years old. I took that picture when I was little and it's one of my most precious objects. A year after I was born, mom talked to papa Tatsu, he was the first to know what she had. My mother had metastatic cancer, meaning the cancer was already far away from the area where it originated. The doctor told her that the chances of being cured were very low, and she was only given two or three more years to live. There were very remote possibilities of being cured, but the treatment with chemotherapy and pills would at least slow down its growth and reduce her symptoms. My mom was a fighter, she spent 5 years fighting to the end and for that I admire her very much. I was never told what kind of cancer she had, but I know my dad Ryuu and my dad Tatsu were always by her side and helped her in any way they could, plus I'm not very good in the medical field so I don't think would find what I'm looking for (actually I think the only thing I could do is go see the doctor who took her when when I have legal age and ask him) I know I said above that they moved to forget her, but specifically I meant to forget those bad memories that were left in that house. Surely they wanted to move out to treasure the good memories in the memories and videos we take with us.

I took the photo one afternoon when I found a dandelion on my way home. Since at that time my mom couldn't leave the house much anymore, I brought it to her and when we were both on the bed I told her to blow on it to make a wish. Mommy blew it and the dandelion seeds spread all over the room. She looked so beautiful that with my polaroid I took a picture of her (although it was actually with papa Tatsu's help, that's why the photo looks so good, I was 5 years old). I never knew what she asked for that day, and she never wanted to tell me either. By the way, mommy always liked to attach stickers on polaroid pictures, I think it's a habit I ended up picking up from her.

The last time I saw my mom she said, "Promise me that you will take good care of daddy Ryuu and papa Tatsu and that you will always, always, always be a fighter like mommy. This is for you, the bracelet that has accompanied me all my life. When I'm no longer in this world, I want you to know that the stars, the moon and the sun reflected in each pearl will be me watching over you from each one of them." And this photograph is of the bracelet mommy gave me, my bracelet, another of my most precious objects. I never mourned her death, no tears came from my eyes. I don't remember much about her either as I don't have an eidetic or photographic memory like Icaro, but I do remember the sound of her voice, I can always hear it in my mind, tone by tone. Oh, sure, there was a song my mom always sang to me that I remember how it sounded with her tone of voice perfectly my mind, it went like this:

"My little cat, my little cat, is always jumping. My little cat, my little cat, is always going on adventures. What will I do if my little cat gets lost in the grass? Wow, I found my little cat, he's right here!"

「あたしのこねこ、あたしのこねこ、いつもジャンプしている。 あたしのこねこ、あたしのこねこ、いつもぼうけんにでかけている。 もし、あたしのこねこがくさむらでまいごになったらどうしよう？ わぁ、あたしのこねこをみつけたよ！ここにいるよ。」

And right after that she tickled me. Sometimes she would change the lyrics to the song a little bit, depending on the day or the situation, but this was the version sang me the most. If you're wondering if you can find it on the internet the answer is no, because it was a song that mommy created especially for me. If someday I'm not so embarrassed I'll sing it and upload it for you to hear.

And this is the end of today's post. For the first one it has been quite long, hasn't it?

What would you like me to feature in my next post? Would you like me to write about who my best friend Icaro is and how I met him? My best friend Marena? Leave it in comments below.

See you in my next post, although I don't know when it will be yet as I'm learning to manage time and figure out how others work here.

[irlusa]

can u explain scotpru to me? i’m very curious about this ship

Oh I would be HAPPY to lmao

So scotpru (for me) started because of a gereng rp I did with a friend ages ago that had both Gilbert and Alasdair as characters.

Keep in mind I'm not much on the historical side of hetalia so I can't speak on reasons to ship them re: concrete historical potential trading or connections the people may have had.

BUT, that being said, when it comes to nationverse, Gilbert and Alasdair both are somewhat older nations who have seen and experienced a lot of the world. They have quite a rough (and often annoying) exterior to their younger brothers, but at the same time have a genuine and warmhearted love for certain cultural aspects that they cultivate and put pride in. Both share a love of handcrafted pieces, whether they're old engraved weapons or woodworked furniture or illuminated manuscripts, they put value in creating something yourself and putting in the time and effort to learn that skill.

In my eyes, they connect via old tales of the world and the other nations when they were younger, as well as clashing in the kitchen in a positive, poking fun kind of way. Scotland cooks more often, Prussia bakes more often (which Scotland doesn't complain about at all, who would when they're getting served sweets?)- though Scotland's cooking style is much messier and "intuition" based versus Prussia's meticulous recipe notes and measuring and cleaning practices. And oh, they love to work on projects together that can utilize both their strengths- it's kind of one of their love languages in a way.

Also, Scotland's voice matches Prussia's flute perfectly, and both of them adore hearing the other play. It's soothing. They love the outdoors and often go camping or out on daytrips into the countryside where no one else will hear them play together, like a personal little show they put on for their ears only.

Beyond concrete interests that are similar, Alasdair and Gil also seek out each other in the sense that, because they have these sorts of connections with each other, they can find comfort in each other. They know how the other grew up, they've seen them grow and change over the years. They don't have to put on the strong unaffected persona with each other when they're alone. Gilbert appreciates that Alasdair doesn't treat him any different after being dissolved- doesn't look at him with barely-held back pity and annoyance. And Scotland knows that despite being the eldest and supposedly having all his shit together, when he feels like everything is falling apart he can come to Gilbert, who will put aside his usually abrasive front to welcome Alasdair with open arms. They learn to open up emotionally and trust each other. Neither are the best with words, though Alasdair is worse imo, and so they're able to pick up on each other's nonverbal cues and signs of affection that others might not note. And I do just like Gilbert's explosive energy next to Alasdair's slightly more laid-back vibes.

I feel like it's one of those relationships where neither actually said "I love you" for a very long time, it was just mutually understood that they shared a bond with each other that they didn't feel with anyone else.

Humanverse and other aus have similar notes to them- in my mind they often meet at say, a bar or pub, or even perhaps at daycare while dropping of their siblings depending on the au, and begin connections through some mix of love of history, music, baking and cooking, crafting, and/or just the fact that both can often feel like outsiders in their current community, and said relations bloom from there.

Anyway I love them so so much and I hope this messily-worded collection of thoughts helps convey why ehee

[cerebraldischarge]

No more bullshit. No more hangovers. No more worries. No more painful memories.

No longer carrying the suffering of everyone else.

This is where we differed. Empathy is somewhat foreign territory for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about people, but absorbing their stuff rarely ever occurs to me. I’ll get mad on your behalf and shoot whoever upset you, but then I’ll make a goofy joke about something completely unrelated, simply because seeing you cry makes me uncomfortable. Hell, even seeing myself cry makes me feel awkward unless it’s brought on by music - which happens surprisingly often.

If I had to guess, it was empathy that got Danny into this whole thing. Yeah, he wanted to get rid of life for a long time, so there is a selfish angle to it too, but if it was just that, he wouldn’t have started a movement. He often complained to me about how hard writing is for him, and his perfectionism made it even harder. I could tell he wasn’t too educated, and made some consistent spelling mistakes, probably having learned some words wrong in childhood in the first place. An earlier version of me would’ve judged him for this and would’ve either withdrawn from him or made a point of constantly correcting him. But then I would’ve missed the fact that he was sharp as a scalpel when it came to actually thinking things through and not just regurgitating information. Probably smarter than me, in fact. He would call me while getting drunk, and give me lectures on geopolitics, which were interesting but at times went right over my head. An earlier version of me would’ve zoned out or tried to change the subject even before the juicy part started - I can just hear her going “I don’t give a damn about the bigger picture, I just want to be a grunt!” But because it became clear a long time ago that that’s not an option, I learned to let go of that single-minded focus and listen to pretty much anything that could break me out of my natural state of abject boredom.

Would an earlier version of me be mad about him leaving so abruptly, without waiting for me? I don’t know. Maybe a very early one. But I got used to losing people very fast. I did struggle with needing attention for a while, because adults would act like they lost all sense of object permanence and drop me like I didn’t exist every damn time another adult approached them - the message loud and clear: work is more important than you, and you are not my equal. I still feel a slight twinge of resentment when someone says “I have to go” mid-conversation, but then my mature brain steps in and I accept that people have their own lives, schedules, and obligations, and some little foreigner girl they barely know is going to score lower on the priority list than, say, a call from their boss or their duty to make dinner for their family. This acceptance also applies to the people who never return, for whatever reason. It applied to Allie when he got into that accident in 2009, it applies to Danny who decided he had enough - and, after the fallout of betrayal and the sunk cost fallacy had settled, it even applied to Lauren in a way. My parents are kind of a different category, because paying attention to me was their job - even when I absolutely did not want their attention, which happened more and more often as I got older.

Danny shared with me the time, information, emotional connection, and humor that he wanted to share with me. He definitely shared way more with his buddy Kevin, his aunt Amanda, and a few of his friends that I’ve never interacted with. And that’s okay. Some people would call me a psychopath for being okay with this, but why? If he had a horribly botched, painful end, or a nonconsensual one, or if he was still alive against his will, or something like that, I would feel sad about it, or angry, or guilty, or all three. I would have something pretty close to the expected, textbook grief reaction. But this way, there’s nothing to grieve.

Yes, the world lost a very gentle, smart, and all around cool guy. But would I really rather have him still around and miserable? Nah. People aren’t here to be used by us - not me, not you, not their families, not even the government. People come and go. I have understood this before my age got into the double digits. It’s inconvenient sometimes, but once I managed to cultivate some level of confidence in myself - which is not fucking easy by any means when one of your defining experiences is total rejection by an organization that you equated with life itself, mind you -, I realized I didn’t really need people to stay. I sometimes want them to, and I enjoy it if they do… and sometimes I really want them to leave me the hell alone, too. But I don’t need anyone else in that clingy, visceral, “one flesh, one mind” way that romantic relationships are characterized by. I got a taste of that with Lauren, but it was so exhausting and anxiety-inducing that honestly, I don’t want to experience it again. It’s also likely that I let her inside me to that extent because it played to my insecurities - “military spouse” was a hell of a lot more acceptable than “military reject” in my head and heart.

Danny would’ve made a great grunt, too. His body was a warrior’s. It took regular beatings from evil family members, from alcohol, and from just life in general, and still remained strong to the end. I’m somewhat grateful for that - he didn’t have to experience what my father did: not just pain, but the frustration of trying to move certain body parts and having them just flat out refuse to function. He also had the ability to be violent if necessary, such as when protecting loved ones from harm. For whatever reason, he never made the decision to do this professionally, though. An earlier version of me would have judged him for that. But that was before I realized that not everyone has the same values I do. I would have never expected to get to this point, but now I can even respect conscientious objection - at twenty, it was almost a swear word for me. And I respect, although don’t share, Danny’s belief that life itself is an inherently negative thing. (In order to share his conviction, I would need a clear understanding of the concepts of “positive” and “negative”, and I don’t have that. To me, these are entirely subjective ideas that cannot be defined in an objective manner. This is where I may depart from Rand, whose injunction is to “judge, and be prepared to be judged” - the only judgment I’m confident in making is that if a given action is performed with the informed consent of everybody involved, I cannot condemn it, but if consent is being violated at any point, that’s what I judge/define as evil. Maybe Rand would not regard this as a disagreement with her injunction, after all.)

It would’ve been nice to hang out in West Virginia together. To share a bottle of moonshine under the stars, and all that. To talk about our overbearing mothers, and the various cultural influences we carry within. To practice shooting for a few days and then shoot ourselves in a cabin in the woods. It would have been a whole bucket of fun. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Whatever is meant to be is now for me to find out.

[epsilontauri]

dealing with grief is so fucking wild.

one moment i‘m ok and packing my things into neat little moving boxes, and one second later i‘ll remember how she always greeted me in a sing-songy voice and immediately offered me food, tea or coffee when i walked in.

and then i weep because she’ll never do that again.

i when i‘m somewhat ok again, i‘m telling people around me who never got to meet her who she was, how she was, hoping to make her immortal by planting little parts of her in the knowledge and memory of other people.

like, the way she planted mint in the garden and instead of taking over, it barley grew— she was always so frustrated about it! how does the mint not grow at all?! she just wanted to make fresh mint tea. or the way she managed to keep a huge pot of sage alive without doing anything. how she was concerned every winter for the fern that she planted outside of her kitchen window. how she scribbled into all of her cooking books, especially when she liked a recipe. how she collected and build her own library, but kept mixing classics with fantasy and children’s books.

she wrote poems and short stories. i hope she wrote them all down somewhere and we‘ll manage to find them. she wanted to color her hair in a hot pink once the white hairs were more prominent. she asked her youngest son in the morning how many books she should take with her to read in the hospital after the surgery. she asked her second oldest son what kind of cake he wanted next week for his 33rd birthday. she always let her husband trim her long hair. she wasn’t crafty at all and couldn’t sew to safe her life (it was her husband who would fix everything with the sewing machine) but after she spent one summer looking after her grandmother as a teen, she learned how to knit socks and kept doing that.

she believed that magic is found in nature, and she showed me where to look for it. she was always making sure that everyone is treated fair. she accepted immediately that i‘m non-binary’s without any fuss and called me ain from then on. she even understood how i felt about womanhood and related to it, and she told me she’s probably nonbinary too, and i was almost crying in relief, bc my own mother was just crushed and weeping as if i just died in front of her. one time she was more excited to see me that her 3rd son (my ex), despite haven’t seen him in a long time too, bc i wasn’t around as often after i broke up with him after my outing. she loved harry potter but no longer wanted to read it after i told her about jkr’s transphobia.

and she loved halloween so much! she decorated the house in fake spider webs and was always a bit disappointed that no kids came over for candy, mostly due to the fact that her house is on the very end of a steep road up the hill. she loved moomin. i hesitated taking the mug with moomin-papa bc it was her favourite, but i took it bc she also knew that i liked it a lot. the coffee tasted less bitter in it.

i once tried to embroider her medieval dress and only managed to finish one side, but she was excited nonetheless about my work and proudly announced that it’s my work whenever someone pointed it out. i still have the rings that she gave me as a gift, and she wanted me to inherit a beautiful hand-painted wardrobe from 17-something, just because it was a wedding gift of the girl who happened to share my deadname and she still thought i was meant to have it, even if my name is a different one now.

gods, i miss her so much. she was less like a second mother and more of a friend to me. this shouldn’t have happened. she should be around and complain about the heat and how she gets tired more quickly while reading. she would tell me how this time, she would refuse to do the math exercises during recovery, even if it‘s important to monitor her brain function, and eventually admit that she would do them, but still has the right to complain about it bc of her dyscalculia, and i would send her pictures and videos of my cats to cheer her up.

i wanted to tell her that i found my person and that i‘m engaged and we’re planning to get married. i wanted her to meet my fiancé and see them both talk about movies and art and board games. i looked forward to see her excited smile and feel her crushing hug and her breathless „…but oh ain, that is so wonderful!“ i wanted to share my special interest in danmei with her and give her one of the books to read.

i just want her back. i want her to be around happy and healthy and enjoying retirement with her husband.

but she won’t. she’s gone.

[hamatoclan76]

If it's ok can I ask your opinion on the TMNT 2012 turtle pairings? eg April/Donnie, Raph/Mona, Mikey/Renet, Leo/Karai (if you're comfortable of course. If you don't want to ignore the ask! Have a nice day!

Ooff I think i have never talked about this before but here we go(For anyone reading this remember i'm talking about the Tmnt 2012 ships)When it comes to Tmnt 2012, the romance is one of weakest aspects in my opinion, that at the same time, it's the blame for the series major writing issues. It often ruins the characterization (Mainly for Donnie and April) and distracts from other things that are more important in the story and characters.

Let’s start:

Donatello X April (Apritello): This one is a messy ship because, while Donnie and April’s chemistry is nice, it’s mostly a one sided crush from Donatello’s side. This often involves Donnie doing things to gain April’s attention to the point his behaviour comes off as creepy. This doesn’t help the fact that rest of the time  Donnie is a very nice guy to pretty much anyone. It’s only when it comes to April that he acts this way. Another issue is that a part of Donatello and April’s arc is about exploring this awkward crush, time that could have been used to explore other aspects of these characters (April’s powers and Kraang hybridness; Donatello’s obsession with overthinking everything). This is also the same reason some people dislike Donatello or April. And some fans pointed out that April comes off as somewhat manipulative in this relationship because it’s never left clear if she likes Donnie back or she doesn’t. In A Foot Too Big tried to go the direction that April doesn’t have feelings for him but at the end she kisses Donnie? It was so weird. There is nothing wrong with a character having a one sided crush but it’s not good when they don’t respect the other person’s boundaries and space. Raphael X Mona Lisa (Ramona): By far it’s the best ship, imo. The have great chemistry. Their relationship is healthy and they communicate their feelings well. It does make sense since they have many things in common (they both are fierce warrior with a soft heart, they like action and devoted to protect their close ones). I don’t mind if it’s seems rushed. Their interactions are very sweet and cute. It works because there is barely any big melodrama between them. It doesn’t have the awkwardness of Apritello nor the... whatever it is that Karai and Leonardo have. It’s just innocent teenager love with all the cheesiness that comes with it. I also like how Raphael is not ashamed of sharing his feelings for Mona Lisa. He is very open about them, which it’s a great twist for what you would usually expect from his character. My only complain is that Mona Lisa could have had more development outside this relationship? Maybe one episode about her past or how she became a soldier. However, this is general issue that some female characters from this show have. Michelangelo x Renet: I think it’s a cute ship. Their relationship is not as serious as Raphael and Mona Lisa’s, which makes sense since Michelangelo doesn’t seem to be the type that would fall in love for over just one person and start dating them. I see him as someone who likes to keep his options open. I don’t have much too complain about this one. Maybe that the series could have develop it a bit better? Confirm if they were a thing? Or have an episode about the two them doing time travel? I don’t know. Leonardo x Karai (Leorai): Ooofff, this one is a can of worms, let me tell you. Because their chemistry and development is great. I like how it develops over time. How they start off as rivals, then they start liking each other, how Leonardo tries Karai making her leave Shredder multiple times, the tension. It’s all interesting and well written... Except for one thing... that they share the same father, they are half siblings. Which makes their interactions feel incestuous and disturbing. That gets worse after they learn that Splinter was Karai’s real father and not Saki’s. It’s one of those things that makes you ask yourself: ¨Why? Why is this here? What’s the point of this?¨ Luckily, this was toned down in later seasons but it was brought up in some episodes instead of being totally dropped from the show.The worst part is that this could have been a great ship if hasn’t been for this fact that they are siblings. If it wasn’t for that creepy thing, i would be into it lol. To sum up:  Donatello X April: Yikes Raphael X Mona Lisa: Great ship, best ship Michelangelo x Renet: Cute ship Leonardo x Karai: Yikes and wtf

[vanillasakura]

RDRSW21 Day 2- Epilogue

Title: I Learned it All By Heart

Words: 2098

Pairing: Abigail/Sadie

Warnings/Notes: NSFW

(Title from comme tu dis by Pomme)

≿━━━━━━━━━━༺❀━━━━━━━━━━≾

I'll try to believe in myself. Like you say that you believe in me

“He almost loo.. Loo-kehd? No, that’s not a word.”

“You sure you don’t need any help, Ma?” Jack asked, looking at Abigail from across the kitchen table.

“I’ve got this, thanks though. I know this one, I know I do, it just always trips me up.”

“I can just read it to you, if you want. Or if you’d prefer that I wait until Miss Gaskill is able to come over, I don’t mind at all.”

“Jack, I wanna read what you wrote. I know I can’t offer as good advice as Mary-Beth, if I can even offer any at all, I just need to work on my readin’, or I’ll never get it at all.”

“That is true.” Jack clicked his tongue. “Do you want me to give you a hint?”

Abigail sighed. “Sure, that might help.”

“Two os next to each other don’t always make an ooo sound. Sometimes, like in the word ‘good’, they make-”

“Looked! ” Abigail exclaimed triumphantly, grabbing the pencil she kept next to her and writing down the word, its pronunciation, and Jack’s hint in her journal. She knew the alphabet by now (largely thanks to a mix of help from Jack, Charles, John, and, whenever she could make the trip west, Mary-Beth), but still struggled with bigger, more complicated words. Still, Jack told her she was doing great, and she supposed that was true, given that she could read through most of his old penny-novels now.

“Anyways, where was I.. ‘He almost looked like someone you would expect to find in a bib… bib-li-cal story, but this was not the bib … oh, bible, this was real life. This was a real man, and one who had lived... through his fair share of hardships, if the scars and the lines that marred his face were anything to go by.’ Jack,” Abigail put the paper down for a moment, looking her son in the eye, “this is amazing so far. I could never formulate words the way that you do.”

“Thanks Ma, I appreciate it.” Jack smiled, and Abigail did too. She was blessed that, despite all of the hardships he had gone through, Jack was still a happy and polite kid. He still loved reading more than anything (she doubted that would ever change, but why should it, when it provided him a way to pass his time and gave him a way to be happy?) and had been working on writing since he was eight or nine. Ever since John had run into Mary-Beth about six months ago, however, she had been coming out to Beecher’s Hope every few months, not only helping around the farm, but also doing her best to work with Abigail on her reading and giving Jack pointers on his writing. Honestly, as long as Jack was happy, Abigail was content. She wasn’t alone anymore, like she had been for so long, she had a wonderful lover, a husband who cared for her even if the romance had faded away, and said husband’s lover to lighten up her life in ways she had never dreamed possible for someone like her.

“You two been okay while I was gone?” The door swung open, and Abigail turned around to see Sadie walking in, a pleasant smile on her face.

“Sadie!” Abigail cried, getting up from her place at the table and running over to the other woman, practically throwing herself into her arms and kissing her cheek gently. 

Sadie chuckled, smoothing her hands over Abigail’s hair. “Oh come on, Abi, I didn’t leave you alone for that long, only eight hours or so.”

“Still, I missed you.” Abigail insisted, pulling back a bit to give Sadie some space. “D’you need anything? I bet you’re exhausted.”

“I’m alright, just need to rest a bit is all.” Sadie walked over to the table, peaking at the paper in front of Jack. “You still working on your story?”

“Yep. It’s coming along pretty well, too. Miss Gaskill said she should be able to make it over in two weeks or so, so I’m trying to get three more chapters written before then.”

“Ooh, Mary-Beth’s on her way? That’s great news! I hope John and Charles will be back from… wherever the hell they are before then so we can have a real party.”

“I’m hopeful they’ll be back too. It’s always great when everybody’s here.” Jack smiled.

“That it is.” Sadie agreed, moving to sit down in the empty chair to Jack’s left.

“Oh, I figure we should tell you; Ma’s been getting a lot better on her reading!”

“Hm, is that so?” Sadie glanced in Abigail’s direction, a small smile forming on her face as their eyes met.

“I mean, I suppose.” Abigail blushed, embarrassed by the attention. “

“Suppose? Ma, you got through three pages of my work in about fifteen minutes, and that’s including the time you took to write down the hard words and your notes and such. You’re doing amazingly well! Just wait until Mr. Jones and Pa and Miss Gaskill all find out, they’re gonna be blown away!”

“I’m pretty blown away too.” Sadie said, her eyes still locked onto Abigail’s. “You should be proud of yourself. Readin’ ain’t easy.”

Abigail somehow felt herself turning redder, and spun on her heel to go and work on sewing. She heard Sadie laugh behind her, the sound ringing out like brazen bells.

--

Abigail watched as Sadie changed into her nightdress, entranced. She was gorgeous, her sun-kissed figure nearly glowing in the low light. Something about the way that she went about unbuckling and unbuttoning every piece of clothing was enough to put Abigail in a spell. She still didn’t know how she had gotten so lucky so as to be with a woman so wonderful as her.

“I meant it when I said I missed you, y’know.” Abigail said.

Sadie turned around pulling her nightdress over her head. “And I meant it when I said I was proud of you.”

The comment had Abigail blushing again, biting her lip as she tried to avert her gaze from Sadie’s piercing eyes.

“I’m serious, Abi.” She walked over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge next to her. “Let me compliment you, please.”

“It ain’t anythin’ that really warrants a compliment. It’s pretty straightforward, I just need to get around to doin’ it more often.” Abigail laughed. “If I had started a bit earlier, I would probably be literate by now. And if I had more time I could dedicate to it, I’d be a hell of a lot closer.”

“I’d already say you’re pretty damn near literate now.” Sadie pressed a kiss to Abigail’s temple. “You can read Jack’s old books without a problem, and with someone’s help, you can read bigger works, like his work in progress.”

“I appreciate it Sadie, I really do, I just don’t know if it’s somethin’ that really warrants this much.”

“Well I sure as hell do.” Sadie reached her hand out, rubbing it softly in circles on Abigail’s thigh. “If anything, I think this kind of progress deserves a reward, don’t you?”

Abigail made a happy noise, resting her head on Sadie’s shoulder. “Not sure I’d say that much, but I’m the last person to be complaining.”

“Good.” Sadie reached her free hand out, turning so she faced Abigail and letting it rest on her cheek. “Because I’m gonna force you to be proud of yourself.”

Abigail wasn’t sure just who leaned in first, all she knew was that their lips eventually met and they were kissing, slow and warm and relaxing. Sadie slid the hand on Abigail’s cheek back, letting it tangle in her hair as she undid her braid. All the while, the hand on Abigail’s thigh kept stroking.

They broke apart momentarily, Abigail lifting her night dress up and over her head, casting it somewhere off the side of the bed. Sadie’s face lit up, and she eased Abigail down onto the mattress gently, kissing her once more, catching her bottom lip and nibbling gently.

“‘M gonna make you feel so good, Abi.” Sadie drew her hands up and along Abigail’s breasts, smiling at the breath that caught in her throat as she did so. “Just like you deserve.”

“Mm, why don’t you show me then, instead of tellin’ me?” she teased, unable to help herself. “Don’t you think that would be better?”

“Hm, maybe you’re right…” Sadie traced the outline of Abigail’s left nipple, smirking at the shaky gasp she let out. “Need to get you nice and wet for me first, though.”

“Then touch me where I need it.” Abigail sighed again as Sadie kept teasing her nipples, spreading her legs in an attempt to entice her lover. “Sadie…”

“Fine, you do deserve it after working so hard today.” Sadie let one of her hands dip down between Abigail’s legs, finding her clit and massaging in slow, steady circles. “This feel good?”

“Yes.” Abigail breathed out, arching her back into Sadie’s touch. “Don’t stop, please.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Sadie eased herself down, using her left elbow to support herself as she leaned over Abigail and whispered in her ear. “You’re so smart, d’you know that? You pick up on things so quickly, you always take the time to teach yourself about things, you think things through logically…” Sadie trailed off, scraping her teeth along the side of Abigail’s neck. “It’s attractive. It’s so attractive, Abigail. You’re so attractive.”

“Were you thinkin’ that earlier?” she asked, smiling as pleasure fizzed through her. “You sure were lookin’ at me like somethin’-- fuck, Sadie -- somethin’ was on your mind.”

“I sure was. Damn near wanted to kick Jack outta the house and take you right there on the table. But that’s not all. You wanna know what else I was thinkin’ about?” Sadie’s breath fanned down Abigail’s neck.

“What?”

Sadie pulled back a bit so she could get a better look at Abigail, smiling down at her as though she were the only thing in the world.

“I was thinkin’ about how lovely you are. How cute you are when you blush, how perfect you always are… you’re so attractive, Abi. You always have been.”

Sadie’s words drew a moan out of Abigail, who began to grind against her fingers. “Sadie, my love…”

“Shh, I gotcha. I’ve always gotcha.” Sadie moved her finger down Abigail’s slit, circling her entrance once, twice. “I think you’re wet enough now, my darling.”

Abigail had to bite down on her lip to try and keep herself at least somewhat quiet as Sadie slid into her, stroking at that soft spot. “Sadie, goodness…”

“I know, that feels really good.” Sadie added a second finger, leaning in and capturing Abigail’s lips with her own once more, this kiss more heated than any previous one.

Abigail felt her legs begin to shake as she neared her peak. She pushed Sadie off of her lightly to try and warn her, but Sadie was already a step ahead, moving her mouth down to Abigail’s neck and sucking gently on a spot her collar would cover.

When Sadie’s thumb pressed into her clit, both of her fingers crooking just right, that was all, the coil in Abigail’s stomach coming undone as Sadie covered her mouth with hers, lips and tongues crashing together as Abigail rode out her high. She couldn’t remember the last time she had come this hard for seemingly no reason, but she wasn’t about to complain, not when everything felt this good.

Sadie pulled back as Abigail began to calm down, her breath hot and heavy on Sadie’s forehead as Abigail pulled her flush against her chest.

“That good, Abi?” Sadie asked, kissing the top of a breast lightly.

“Stop sellin’ yourself short.” Abigail panted, running a hand through Sadie’s undone hair. “That was amazin’ and you know it.”

“You really did deserve it, Abi. I’m so proud of you.” Sadie kissed Abigail’s breast again, wrapping an arm around her. Abigail hummed.

“I’ll take your word for it, then. If every time I do well on somethin, this is the reward I’ll get, I’m gonna be readin’ until I pass out from exhaustion.” she laughed.

“Just keep it at, Abi. I know you’ve got this, and you’re only gonna get better. You’ll be literate one day, and that day just keeps on gettin’ closer with every bit of progress you make.”

Abigail sighed happily. “Let’s both look forward to it, then.”

[devildomdoofus]

“Wheely Cool” - Part 2

“Wheely Cool” - Part 1 (brothers)

Author’s Note:

What a way to start off with the Undateables, huh?! I’m SO proud that it’s over Heelys... but also terrified because I‘m dreadful at writing things for them (well, the brothers too, come to think of it) 😣 it’s just.. my own headcanons for them clash with how I’d like for you guys to see them and both of those things clash wITH HOW/WHO THEY ACTUALLY ARE AND- sorry, I’m rambling and complaining 😅

But I hope you all can enjoy what I have for the Undateables so far and look forward to how I improve with them over the future! ❤️

Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THIS LOVE AND SUPPORT!! I’ll be sure to do something in return for such kindness ❤️

- DevildomDoofus

👹Diavolo:

Heelys, you say? How very interesting. Please, do elaborate!

If there was a unique invention from the human world and you were interested in it, he was interested. Especially when they seemed so fascinating! Shoes with wheels that pop in and out? Incredible! He had to know more!

When you were telling him about the shoes, the history behind them, their integration into ‘pop culture,’ the memes about them, etc., he was hanging on to your every word.

Yes, he knew about roller skates and rollerblades, but not Heelys. Heelys were a different ballpark. But by the three realms he was going to try them for himself!

Immediately, he had Barbatos order him Akuzon truck loads of Heelys. For himself, for you, for the demon brothers, purgatory hall, the entire school, even Barbatos. He wanted EVERYONE to give them a try.

To be certain that all would participate, he issued a mandatory, all day class on Heelys, describing it as a well needed crash course on Human History.

Sometimes it’s fun being a prince.

First time with them on, he wibbled and wobbled for a few moments before finally getting a good grasp on the technique... and now, he was about to make it everyone’s problem.

Barbatos could feel a migraine approaching..

Diavolo never walked anywhere for a very, VERY long time. It was always him rolling through the doorway with a big smile on his face or scooting up to a group of his fellow, ‘higher up’ associates as their eyes grew wide at him. If he saw you wheeling through the hallways, he’d go toes up, roll your way, and high five you with a follow up of finger guns. He felt on top of the world.

Poor Barbatos had to do the same and use Heelys as his new work shoes.

Sorry Barbatos...

Diavolo thanked you for showing him this whole new world with even more truck load of deliveries of Heelys/Heelys accessories.

⏳Barbatos:

Sincerest apologies, but what might these Heelys be?

Showing him the pair that you had, you explained what they were in full detail and hoped that such a thing didn’t come off as ridiculous to an ancient demon butler who’s probably seen some pretty strange, human inventions over the years... maybe this wouldn’t sound so strange after all?

Unfortunately, it did, but it was for the same reasons as some of the other demons. He saw no use for such a thing when his own pair of feet worked just fine and he had incredibly powerful abilities involving time... needless to say, he’s a punctual man.

except for that ONE time

Heelys serve him no purpose.

He respectfully declines using them himself but is delighted that you have such a unique hobby. Plus, he thinks you look rather charming and happy, wheeling about wherever you pleased.

It made him happy too.

However, Diavolo inevitably caught wind of your cool, new pair of shoes and wanted to be involved.

Which led to Diavolo getting himself a pair.

and that led to him forcing Barbatos to do the same.

At first, they were highly inconvenient as they certainly didn’t allow him to go about his duties as gracefully as he did before, since there were now these chunky shoes with unsteady wheels attached to his feet.

As he was getting used to the new attire, he would often falter and spill things, break objects, or cause other types of destruction while also learning how to go about his daily routines with his shoes and feet constantly betraying him. It was a bit of a nuisance but nothing he couldn’t handle.

He’s dealt with far worse.

Over time, though, he had grown accustomed to them and somewhat appreciated their convenience when he wanted to get from point A to point B a little quicker.

Still, he prefered his original pairs of shoes because they were steady and didn’t weigh his feet down as much.

He asked Diavolo if he could return to his original attire. Diavolo allowed it but with a big pout on his face.

Barbatos thanked you for teaching him about Heelys and was honored to be a part of such an experience.

Just, please... don’t ask him to do it again.

🕊Simeon:

Sorry? Heelys? What does that mean?

Ahhh, how interesting. Humans come up with some of the most strangest and fascinating things.

He observed with curious eyes and an intrigued smile on his face as you explained and then demonstrated what Heelys were. He took the pair you offered him and examined them thoroughly. Finally, he looked back to you and asked politely, “May you teach me?”

Once he laced himself up and straightened out, you took his hand and led him forward, teaching him the ways of Heelys. Whenever he’d start to wobble, he’d chuckle a bit and then apologize for gripping your fingers so tightly.

Eventually, Simeon got the hang of them and could scoot around on his own as gracefully as he walked.

Luke watched as his fellow angel rolled around with his toes up and eyed him in awe... and a little bit in jealousy.

Of course, you had to get Luke a pair and teach him.

Before long, you three could be seen scooting down hallways, up and down streets, and doing little tricks all over the place. Wherever you went, you rolled.

And it made the brothers become green with envy

Or in this case, orange.

Simeon enjoyed Heelys enough to buy all three of you a matching set that had miniature angel wings on the sides of the shoes and wheels that lit up yellow, imitating the brightness of a halo.

He appreciated that you shared something like this with him and Luke and hoped that it would bring you three closer together.

👼🏻Luke:

Huh? Is that a human thing?

Whoa, no way!!

To say that he was shaking with excitement as you demonstrated what Heelys were, would be an understatement. The way you wheeled around so effortlessly and how cool you looked doing it? It made him want a pair of his very own.

He felt and looked like a kid on Christmas.

Please, please, please, PLEASE teach him?!

He eagerly slipped on some Heelys and waited impatiently for your demonstration. You pointed your toes up on one foot and pushed off with the other, letting it follow suit once you got some speed. Luke watched and tried his best to imitate it, but slipped and fell to the ground.

Ugh! It was too hard! and you made it look so easy...

This time, you took both of his hands in yours and told him to lift his toes up enough to let the wheels do the work as you pulled him along.

Hey! He’s doing it, he’s really doing it!

After a few attempts, he was able to move on his own, for the most part, and could even do basic turns.

Stopping was a different story but who’s counting?

Every once in a while he’d slip or bump into things because he was going way too fast and couldn’t stop, but he was far too excited to stop.

Immediately he scooted off in a wobbly fashion to show Simeon how cool he looked.

He ended up running into him, knocking them both to the floor. Simeon just laughed because Luke looked way too adorable when he was this happy and excited.

From then on, Luke would roll wherever he wanted to go, with Simeon being close by to catch him just in case he was about to crash into something or someone.

If Simeon couldn’t be around, you were in charge of ‘Puppy Duty’. But whenever Luke would look at you with those sparkling eyes filled with pure joy because of the gift you had given him of Heelys and wouldn’t stop thanking you for them, it didn’t seem like so much of a chore anymore.

🔮Solomon:

Ahhh, a person of culture. You have Heelys too?

In that case, what would you say to a little friendly competition?

Maybe it was the sophisticated way that Solomon carried himself or the insightful way that he spoke but... you didn’t really picture Solomon as a Heelys kind of guy?

Then again, this is Solomon we’re talking about. He probably has a Skipit, a Furby, Moon Shoes, and who knows what else, hidden away somewhere... you bet he had a Nokia, for sure!

Still, how did he know about Heelys in the first place?

The more you came to know of Solomon, the less it felt like you actually did.

So about that competition...

Fine, but what of the wager?

Solomon smirked and suddenly a feeling of uneasiness settled in your stomach.The words left his lips and you went stiff.

A date?!

Whatever could the counter wager be?!

A week with unlimited use of all of Solomon’s powers, huh?

DEAL.

You two stationed yourselves at one end of a very long hall with Asmo standing just ahead, two silk clothes in his hands, held above his head to imitate the ‘initiator’ at a drag race. The brothers, Simeon and Luke, even Diavolo and Barbatos showed up to watch how the race would unfurl.

Asmo gave the signal and off you went, making your way towards the finish line. Within seconds, Solomon started catching up to you and soon got a few feet ahead.

A date with the sorcerer was a couple of meters away and you were getting nervous.

That’s when a jealous Mammon panicked and pretended to faint, falling right onto Solomon’s side of the hall and dragging an angry Levi along with him. Solomon was about to hop over them with ease until he saw Beelzebub reaching for a piece of candy that was tossed out by Belphegor and had to put on the breaks to swerve around, slowing him down.

You were now catching up.

Still ahead of you, though, and getting closer to the finish line, Solomon was making headway...

Until Satan feigned anger towards his meddling brothers and punched a giant, gaping hole in the floor, right in Solomon’s way. Having taken notice, Lucifer leaped to shield Solomon from Satan’s wrath by flying in between them and using his wings from his demon form to block Solomon’s path..for ‘protection’, of course. Solomon had no choice but to stop as quickly as he could, taking a hard tumble to the floor and letting you zoom past him.

You made it over the finish line and from the other side of the hall, Asmo shouted “MC is the winner!”

For a moment, Solomon thought he could hear all of the brothers simultaneously sigh with relief.

Well... a deal was a deal.

But that didn’t stop Solomon from wanting rematch after rematch, just waiting for the day that he wins and gets a chance at what he’s wanted for a long time...

[him-e]

what did you think of shadow and bone? have you read the books? i only read the duology

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone, now that you've probably seen it?

I think the show is alright? It lacks a real wow factor as far as I’m concerned, but it’s enjoyable. It’s especially enjoyable in those parts I didn’t anticipate to like / didn’t even know would be there. 

Whereas the main selling points leave a lot to be desired.

The good stuff: the visuals. The aesthetic. The overall concept. Production, casting and costumes are excellent, the setting is fascinating. The worldbuilding isn’t perfect and is sometimes confusing, which is probably due to the show jumping ahead of the books and introducing elements that happen much later in the book saga, but I’m loving the vague steampunk-y vibe of it mixed with more typical fantasy stuff and slavic-inspired lore, the fact that it’s set in dystopian Russia rather than your usual ye olde England.

I find it interesting that in this ‘verse the Grisha are simultaneously superstars, privileged elite, legendary creatures and despised outcasts, according to the context and the type of magic they wield. It’s A Lot, and so far it’s all a bit underdeveloped and messy, like a patchwork of different narratives and tropes sewn together without an organic worldbuilding structure. (there are hints to a past when they were hunted, but how did they go from that to being, essentially, an institutionalized asset to the government isn’t clear yet. There’s huge narrative potential in this, and I hope future seasons will delve into those aspects)

Many of the supporting characters are surprisingly solid. I appreciated that Genya and Zoya eventually sort of traded places, subverting the audience’s assumptions about them and their own character stereotypes, despite the little screentime they were given.

Breakout characters/ships for me were Nina/Matthias, and even more so the Crows, i.e. the stuff I didn’t see coming and knew nothing about (having only read the first book). (I thought the entire Crows subplot was handled in a somewhat convoluted way, at least in the first episodes; it was hard to keep track of who wanted Alina and why, but the Crows’ chemistry is so strong it carried the whole Plot B on its shoulders).

HELNIK. As an enemies to lovers dynamic, Helnik was SUPER on the nose, I’d say bordering on clichéd with the unapologetic, straight outta fanfiction use of classic tropes like “we need to team up to survive” and “there’s only one bed and we’ll freeze to death if we don’t take our conveniently damp clothes off and keep each other warm with the heat of our naked bodies” (not that I’m complaining, but i like to pine for my ships a bit before getting to the juicy tropetown part, tyvm). And then they’re suddenly on opposite sides again because of a tragic misunderstanding - does Bardugo hate high-conflict dynamics? It certainly seems so, because between Helnik and Darklina I’m starting to see a pattern where the slow burn and blossoming mutual trust is rushed and painted in broad, stereotypical strokes to get as fast as possible to the part where they *hate each other again* and that’s... huh. Something.

^That’s probably why I’m almost more interested in Kaz x Inej, because their relationship feels a bit more nuanced, a bit more mysterious, and a bit more unpredictable. (I didn’t bother spoiling myself about them, so I really don’t know where they’re going, but it’s refreshing to see a dynamic that the narrative isn’t scrambling to define in one direction or the other as quickly as possible)

-

Now, as for Darklina VS Malina... I found exactly what I expected. 

Both are ship dynamics I’m, on principle, very much into (light heroine/dark villain, pining friends to lovers) but both are also much less interesting than they claim to be, or could have been with different narrative choices. I’ll concede that the show characters are all more fleshed out and likable than their book counterparts, and the cringe parts I vaguely remembered from the books played out differently. And, well, Ben Barnes dominates the scene, he’s hot as HELL, literally every single second he’s on screen is a fuck you to Bardugo’s attempts to make his character lame and uninteresting and I’m LOVING it, lol.

But yeah, B Barnes aside, Darklina is intrinsically, deliberately made to be unshippable. 

It makes me mad, because it’s - archetypally speaking - made of shipping dynamite: yin/yang-sun and moon, opposites attract, COMPLEMENTARY POWERS AND SO ON. And what does Bardugo do with these ingredients? A FUCKING DELIBERATE DISASTER:

^ Placing the kiss so early on (season 1, episode five) effectively kills the romantic tension that was (correctly) building up until that point, and leaves the audience very little to still hope for, in terms of emotional evolution of the dynamic. 

Bardugo lays all the good stuff down as early and quickly as possible (the bonding, the conflicted attraction, the recognizing the other as one’s equal, etc) only to turn the tables and pull the rug so y’all sick creepyshippers won’t have anything to look forward to, because THEY’VE ALREADY HOOKED UP AND THAT BELONGS TO THE PAST, IT’S OVER, THEY’RE ENEMIES. This, combined to the fact that she falls for him *without* knowing who he really is, is the opposite of what I want from a heroine/villain ship (it’s basically lovers to enemies, and while that can be valid too, I wanted to see more pining and more prolonged, tormented symbolic attraction to the Shadow/Animus on Alina’s part). 

But here’s the trick: it’s not marketed as lovers to enemies - it has all the aesthetics and trappings of an enemies to lovers (the Darkling is, from the get go, villain-presenting, starting from his name), so it genuinely feels like a trollfic, or at the very least a cautionary tale *against* shipping the heroine with the tall dark brooding young villain, and I don’t think it’s cool at all. It makes the story WAY less interesting, because it humanizes the villain early on (when it’s not yet useful or poignant to the story, because it’s unearned) but it’s a red herring. The real plot twist is that the villain shouldn’t be sympathized with, just defeated: there’s a promise of nuanced storytelling, that is quickly denied and tossed aside. So is the idea of incorporating your Shadow (a notion that Bardugo must be familiar with, otherwise she wouldn’t have structured Alina and the Darkling as polar opposites who complement each other, but that she categorically refutes)

Then we have Malina. The good ship.

Look, I’m not that biased against it. I don’t want to be biased on principle against a friends to lovers dynamic that antagonizes a heroine/villain one, because every narrative is different, and for personal reasons I can deeply relate to the idea of being (unspeakably) in love with your best friend. So there are aspects of Malina that I can definitely be into, but it troubles me that in this specific context it’s framed as a regression. It’s Alina’s comfort zone, a fading dream of happiness from an idealized childhood, to sustain which the heroine systematically stunts her growth and literally repressed her own powers, something that in the books made her sickly and weak. But the narrative weirdly romanticizes this codependency, often making her tunnel vision re: going back to Mal her primary goal and centering on him her entire backstory/motivation, to the point that when she starts acting more serious re: her powers and alleged mission to destroy the Fold, it feels inorganic and unearned. 

Mal is intrinsically extraneous to Alina’s powers, he doesn’t share them, he doesn’t understand them, he has little to offer to help her with them, and so the feeling is that he’s also extraneous to her heroine’s journey, aside from being a sort of sidekick or safe harbor to eventually come back to. People have compared him to Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, and yeah, he has the same ~magic neutralizer~ vibe, tbh.

The narrative also polarizes Mal’s normalcy and relative “safety” against Aleksander’s sexy evil, framing Alina’s quasi-platonic fixation on the former as a better and purer form of love than her (much more visible and palpable) attraction to the latter. This is exacerbated by the show almost entirely relying on scenes of them as kids to convey their bond. I’m sure there are ways to depict innocent pining for your best friend that don’t involve obsessively focusing on flashbacks of two CHILDREN running in a meadow and looking exactly like brother and sister. LIKE. I get it, they’re like soulmates in every possible way, BUT DO THEY WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER?

Which brings me to a general complain: for a young adult saga centering on a young heroine and full of so many hot people, this story is weirdly unsexy? There are a lot of shippable dynamics, but they’re done in such a careless, ineffective way that makes ZERO EFFORT to work on stuff like slow burn, pining and romantic tension, and when it does it’s so heavy handed that the viewer doesn’t feel encouraged at all to fill the blanks with their imagination and start anticipating things (which is, imo, the ESSENCE of shipping). The one dynamic that got vaguely close to this is, again, Kaz and Inej, and coincidentally it’s also the one we didn’t get confirmed as romantic YET. Other than that, where’s the slow burn? What ship am I supposed to agonize over during the hiatus to season two? Has shipping become something to feel ashamed of, like an embarrassing relative you no longer want to invite in your home?

Anyway, back to Alina/Darkling/Mal, this is how the story reads to me:

girl suspects to be special, carefully pretends to be normal so she can stay with Good Boy

the girl’s powers eventually manifest; she’s forcibly separated from Good Boy

the girl’s powers attract Bad Boy who is her equal and opposite but is also a major asshole

girl initially falls for Bad Boy; has to learn a hard lesson that nobody that sexy will ever want her for who she is, he’s just trying to exploit her

also, no, there is no such thing as a Power Couple

girl is literally given a slave collar by Bad Boy through which he harnesses her power (a parody of the Twin Scars trope)

you know how the story initially suggested that the joint powers of Darkness and Light would defeat evil? LOL NO, Darkness is actually evil itself and the way you destroy evil is using Light to destroy Darkness, forget that whole Jungian bullshit of integrating your shadow, silly!

conclusion: girl realizes being special sucks. She was right all along! Hiding and suppressing her powers was the best choice! She goes back to the start, to the same Good Boy she was meekly pining for prior to the start of the story.

... there’s an uncomfortable overall subtext that reads a lot like a cautionary tale against - look, not just against darkships and villain/heroine pairings, but also *overpowered* heroines and, well... change? Growth?

Like, it’s certainly a Choice that Alina starts the story *already* in love with Mal. That she always knew it was him. The realization could have happened later (making the dynamic much more shippable, too), but no. 

[writing-wrxngs]

The Wilds

(I have so much young family ideas, mostly just because nothing super big has happened on the SMP besides Pogtopia growing in ranks. I’m simply waiting for the next war. Also, it’s what the people want and who am I to deprive you?)

Gazing around the wilds, Phil tightened his grip around his sons’ hands. He had brought them here for a reason. It would likely be the only time the boys would see this part of the world until they were grown. They still deserved to see it, and learn about it. As for Phil, it was the first time he’d seen the wilds in years.

“Dad, why are we here?” Wilbur asked, wiggling against his fathers grip.

“I wanted to show you this part of the world. It used to be a very big part of my life. It’s still very important, in a different way now,” Phil explained.

“My teacher told us about the wilds in school,” piped in Techno. “She said it was dangerous.”

Phil let go of his boys hands for a moment and turned around, leveling himself to their heights. “That’s right, Techno. It is dangerous. I know that more even your teacher does. This part of the wilds is not as scary as the things I’ve seen, but it can still be dangerous. That’s why I’m making myself clear here, boys. You. Stay. With. Me. I’m dead serious right now. This is not a place you want to wander off into. Understand?”

Both boys nodded. They each took Phil’s hands as he stood back up. Like their father had asked of them, they kept close as they began walking into the wilds.

“I used to spend so much time in the wilds” Said Phil, looking around at the trees. He felt at home, but the usual on edge vigilance he felt in the wilds was heightened, his paternal instincts making the danger feel more intense.

“How come?” Asked Techno, who was looking around at the wilds excitedly.

“Well, I used to be an adventurer. I travelled all over different wilds to see what was in store.”

Wilbur looked up to Phil in amazement. “What did you do out there?”

Phil smiled at the memories. “Just travel and see the world. There’s a lot of different things to see. Mountains, deserts, plains, all sorts of things. I learned how to live in the wilds, and how to fight monsters.”

“Monsters?” Questioned Wilbur.

“You didn’t know there were monsters in the wilds?” Techno teased.

Phil shot a glance at him.

“I know there’s monsters,” said Wilbur, “but I didn’t know Dad fought any.”

Laughing, Phil nodded. “I fought lots of monsters. That’s what make the wilds so scary. They’re mostly out at night. Some still come out during the day. That’s why I brought my sword.”

Techno leaned back to see the sword strapped to his fathers back. It rested between two large, storm grey wings. He liked his fathers sword, even though he had not seen it often. Phil kept it in storage. “Wow.” He whispered.

“I’m hoping I don’t have to use it.” The statement was true. He wasn’t entirely sure how he’d be able to focus on a fight and the boys at the same time. And that was only assuming just there was just one. He could handle more than one, but the possibility that one could slip away and start going after his sons...

“Dad,” said Wilbur. “Dad! You’re squeezing!”

Wilbur’s voice brought Phil back down to earth. He loosed his grip somewhat. “Sorry, Wil,” he said. He continued to look around the wilds and appreciate nature, trying his best to take his mind off of the bad things. “Let’s not talk about monsters now. Don’t forget the danger, though. I wanted you boys to see this because I think everyone should spend a little time out here.”

“Even with the monsters?” Asked Wil.

“Even with them. That’s why I let you boys play fight as often as you do. You boys don’t need to be the best fighters, but I want to make sure you can defend yourselves if you should ever venture out here on your own. People think it’s a useless skill in a civilised society, but out here, you need that skill. You two are already pretty good.”

Techno listened intently. “Are you a good fighter?” He asked.

“I was good at defending myself. I dunno now though, I’m a bit rusty,” Phil explained.

“I’m gonna get as good as you,” said Techno, with as much determination the five year old could muster. “I like it out here, and I like to fight.”

Phil smiled. He loved hearing that. Of the two of them, Techno definitely had the spirit to make it out in the wilds. Wilbur, not so much. Wilbur definitely liked the adventure, but didn’t seem thrilled with the rough and tumble nature of the wilds. “With the way you fight, Techno, I’m sure you’ll be even better than me.”

Wilbur scrunched his nose at all the attention Techno was getting. “Techno, you’re just bragging,” he complained. “You don’t have to be good at everything.”

“You’re just a sore loser!” Retorted Techno.

Phil closed his eyes out of frustration. If he had a hand free he’d pinch the bridge of his nose. “Boys, now is not the time to be arguing. Wilbur, that’s not what bragging is. Techno, that wasn’t a nice thing to say. You’re both doing great at fighting. You don’t have to be perfect, either. That’s not what I was going for.” He knew Wilbur was just starting a fight for attention. That’s why he was so quick to shut it down. He’d give the boy attention, but not as a reaction to his behavior.

Wilbur gave a defeated huff and went on walking.

“There’s a lot more to the wilds than just the scary parts, though,” Phil continued. “There’s a whole world to see. Other lands, places that aren’t home, and I want you boys to experience that.”

Wilbur quit sulking and turned to his father. “Have you been to other lands?”

“Oh of course,” said Phil, his plan working. A natural redirect of conversation. “Lots of different lands. So many different people, and different plants and animals.”

Wilbur’s mood finally brightened for the first time. The adventurous spark Phil was waiting for lit up in his eyes. “Could I see them someday?”

“When you’re grown, you can go anywhere you want. And before then, when you’re older, we can talk about doing little adventures,” Phil said.

Wilbur beamed in response. “I can’t wait for that!”

The boys excitement made Phil chuckle. “Great. There’s a whole world out there to experience, and I want you to get everything out of it you can. I love it out here, and I want to share that with you.”

Wilbur stopped in thought for a moment. “If you like adventures so much, why’d you stop?”

“I stopped when I became a father. I had to take care of you and your brother and set that aside for a while.”

Wilbur looked down at the ground solemnly. “But don’t you miss it?”

Phil rubbed his son’s hand with his thumb. “I’m still on an adventure. Raising you two is an adventure all it’s own.”

What Phil didn’t mention was that it was the best adventure he’d ever been on. In fact, it was his favorite.

[pies-writes-and-more]

Dinner and a Show

Word Count: 6, 638

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

Warnings: a cheating son of a bitch, a very real realization that fancy restaurants charge so much for food, Bucky stealing the show of this fic, and Steve being an impulsive dumb shit lol

A/N: PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK ON ANY SITES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! (Reblogs are totally okay!) I know I’ve been MIA, so sorry! This is for @anika-ann​‘s 500 followers celebration challenge! Congratulations darling, you totally deserve it and more! Anyways, I hope you guys like this fic, I had a blast writing it! 

PROMPT: “This is one of those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea and you ignore me, isn’t it?”

(Not my gif, creds to the original creator!)

It wasn’t like Y/N hadn’t gone on dates before. Sure, it had been a while since the last guy (…Braydon? Brandon?… Steve’s forehead was riddled with wrinkles as he tried to remember the loser’s name), but Y/N had gone on dates before and Steve had been totally fine with those guys. He hadn’t spent any time sulking around on the couch and complaining about couples or romance, nothing like that. (Even if Bucky had insisted that he had). He was perfectly fine with Y/N dating, why wouldn’t he be?? Besides, it wasn’t about Y/N going on a date, it was about who she was going on a date with. There was something about this guy in particular that Steve was just not okay with. At least, that’s what he’d been telling himself (and Bucky) for the last few hours.

“You need to get over it, punk,” Bucky shrugged away Steve’s tense shoulders and furrowed brow, too busy fiddling with his long brown locks to note the annoyed twitch that Steve’s face gave in response. Bucky fingers pulled on the section of hair he’d been working on for the last few minutes, tugging it away from his head enough so he could examine it properly in the mirror, only to realize that he hated it and quickly ran his fingers through a very messy looking braid. “Stupid fucking Sam. Why did he have to volunteer the only evening that I’ve actually needed him?,” the winter soldier grumbled, mumbling out some more choice words before letting out a breath and trying to separate the section of hair into threes once again.

On any normal day, Steve probably would’ve found it oddly amusing how Bucky wanted to learn how to braid his hair. He could’ve sworn that the Barnes sister used to have braids in her hair often and wondered why Bucky hadn’t ever learned from her, though he wasn’t going to mention it to such a frustrated Bucky. Besides, this wasn’t a normal day and Steve had his own worries to pace around about.

“Just ask Nat to do it,” Steve suggested, and even whilst rolling his eyes, he could see Bucky huffing and puffing stubbornly.

“I did and then she told me, ‘James Barnes, if little girls the age of 4 can braid their hair using youtube videos, so can you’. But she didn’t tell which youtube video to look at! There’s so many! And none of the ones I do turn out like that time that Sam did it,” Bucky growled, scowling into the mirror he was sitting in front of. His hands were starting to grow tired of holding up his hair, and his fingers weren’t exactly trained to do these small plaits.

The corner of Steve’s lips turned up at the memory of Sam insisting that he would look damn nice in braid. He even pointed out that a bun might stay better in his hair with a braid laced in. “You look softer this way too,” Sam had pointed out with a smile, swatting at Bucky’s hands when he had tried to stop him from touching his hair. “Stop being a baby and let me show you.” He hadn’t been wrong. Bucky’s hair looked nice in both a braid behind his back and with a bun encircled by a braid.

“How do you know how to braid hair, Bird Brain?” Bucky had pouted, but sat still with his hands in his lap.

“This guy at the VA once brought his daughter because he was going through a rough time but it was his weekend to see her. I told him that I’d look after her while he went to his meeting so we sat and talked about the life of a 3rd grader. She gave me one of her dolls and showed me how to braid their hair. And honestly? She did them much nicer than I could dream of, but it’ll do,” Sam’s fingers had worked effortlessly even through Bucky’s slightly tangled hair.

Now here was poor Bucky on his own, trying to figure out how Sam did it. His fingers got all twisted in the locks and his mind played tricks on him when it came to which strand crossed over next. “I’m doomed,” he whined, finally giving up and throwing himself backward onto the floor.

“Buck?” Steve blinked, watching his rather dramatic friend close his eyes as his head thudded gently against the floor. His dark hair sprawled out around him as if he had just given up on living, and not just given up on how to properly do his hair.

“Hm?”

“Could we get back to my crisis?”

“What crisis?” One of Bucky’s eyes opened and noted Steve’s desperate expression before grinning. “Oh you mean how you’re impossibly in love with Y/N and only ever realize it when she’s going on a date, but you’ve never had the guts to tell her so you just sit and mope in your room while she’s getting ready? That crisis?”

There was a moment of silence in the room where Steve’s eyes glared a hole into Bucky’s rather amused looking grin.

“I hate you,” Steve huffed, going back to his pacing around his room. If there wasn’t such hard ground underneath the wood of his room, there would’ve definitely been a racetrack imprinted underneath him from how often he had traced his own steps round his room. “I’m not in love with Y/N, don’t be crazy. I just don’t understand why she agrees to go out with such… idiots. Like that guy? The one who was some lawyer? Roger? Rupert?”

“Richard,” Bucky interrupted, sitting back up to watch his best friend spiral. Steve spiralling about Y/N was both pathetically sad and entertainingly interesting to watch, he had learned.

“Him! With his stupid smile and cocky attitude. Like wow look at me. I’m a lawyer.” There was a snide undertone to Steve’s words, one he couldn’t really say he had ever heard coming out from his lips before. But he pressed onward with a tight frown, his mind outrightly confused about Y/N’s dating life.

“I thought Richard was actually kinda nice. I mean, he was a lawyer, but the only time he ever brought it up was when people asked what he did for a living,” Bucky shrugged, brushing his hair from his face before deciding to throw the strands into a half assed bun to flop against his neck. “What’s wrong with this guy again? The new guy?”

Steve scowled at the mere thought of

Kyle.

Steve wondered if he could strain his eyes from rolling so hard the 5 minutes that he had met Kyle. There was this air of privilege that just seeped off of him but Steve couldn’t point out exactly why it seemed that way. No one else had been around when he had dropped by with an insane amount of roses in his hand, proclaiming his utmost interest in Y/N.

“There’s just something about you, Y/N, babe. You aren’t like any other girl I’ve ever met,” Kyle’s words came off so smooth, so eloquent, and Steve felt himself actually gag a little. But Y/N, with her arms carrying the roses like a newborn babe, eyes shooting around the room like she did when she was embarrassed, didn’t seem to note that this guy was just too smooth. She seemed… to like it?

“So what? The girl likes to be complimented and swooned,” Bucky pointed out as Steve explained all this to him. “Why shouldn’t she? She’s an attractive girl and she doesn’t nearly get as much appreciation as she should.”

“I know she’s attractive,” Steve snapped, feet finally stopped in their pacing, arms folding across his chest. “It’s just the way he admires her. Like she’s a piece of meat on a hook.”

Bucky nodded slowly, somewhat understanding why Steve would be worried. Normally, he would be right behind Steve’s first impression of people since he had a gut feeling about crazy weirdos. But whenever it came to Y/N, Steve let the green-eyed monster step in for him. “So you’ve told her right? That you’re worried?”

Steve blinked at him in confusion, his frown tightening on his tense expression, “Why would I tell her?”

“Because if you’re worried about her for genuine reasons, she’d believe you. Any normal friend would,” Bucky explained, the smile on his lips turning into a smirk. “That is, unless, you also don’t like him for another reason. Maybe you don’t want her going on a date with someone… that isn’t… you?” Bucky teased and Steve rolled his eyes in response but his childhood best friend just laughed it off. “Come on, you two are practically made for each other. You’ve never had this hard time of admitting that you liked a gal before, so why Y/N? Why are you so afraid to admit your feelings for her?”

Steve hesitated for a moment, hoping he didn’t actually have to answer that question. Lucky for him, he didn’t. A knock came at the door and Steve gladly took it as an opportunity to dodge the situation.

“Hey! Do you mind if I use your mirror? You’ve got better lighting in here,” Y/N beamed, dressed head to toe in her finest outfit. The two boys shared a look before Steve nodded and moved out of the way for her to enter the room, Bucky scooting on the floor slightly so he could sit next to her on the floor in front of the mirror. “Thanks! You’re a lifesaver, Steve! I just don’t want to get there and realize that I put too much highlighter on because my lighting in my room is so different,” she explained, setting down her makeup on the floor next to her and patting down the products onto her skin as she examined her reflection.

Bucky looked over at Steve and jutted his chin out in her direction, eyes widening in their madness to try to get Steve to say something.

“Uh, excited for your date?” Steve asked, and Bucky noted the lack of enthusiasm in his tone. Y/N shot him a smile from the mirror and nodded eagerly.

“I told him I’d be okay with like tacos or something, cause I’ve been craving tacos lately, but he insisted he wanted our first real date to be a fancy restaurant downtown! He told me he wouldn’t tell me which one, just to dress nice and look my best.”

Steve’s lips parted to interject that she always looked her best, but held his tongue noting how excited she was. He could almost feel how his stomach dropped a little, how his insides were twisting in discomfort at just how happy she looked. She deserved to be happy, he reminded himself.

“So he’s picking you up then?” Bucky smiled, leaning against the nearby dresser as he watched her pat some powder into her under eye area.

Y/N shook her head and gave a sort of half smile, “I know, that’s what I thought too. Cause how am I supposed to get there if I have no clue where I’m going,” she laughed, and Steve noticed just how nervous it sounded. “But he’s sending a cab for me! Already arranged it to pick me up in a half hour and everything. He said he wanted to come get me but he had an evening meeting he couldn’t pry himself away from.”

A little whisper in Steve’s ear made him wonder was it really an evening meeting? Or did this guy just not want to drive all the way out of the city to pick Y/N up from the complex and bring her to dinner? If he didn’t want that, why wouldn’t he just pick something closer to the two of them? Steve’s jawline tensed as he thought about what he’d give to intimidate the shit out of this Kyle dude but quickly relaxed as Y/N’s eyes caught his.

“You alright, Steve? You look all strung up. Something going on?” Y/N turned away from the mirror to look at him and Steve had to catch his jaw from falling to the ground. He had watched her apply her makeup numerous times, tonight wasn’t anything different or anything, and she was wearing a dress that Steve had seen her in multiple times… but…. Steve felt his insides lurch a little, almost begging to be the person she was dining with, looking like the most gorgeous being in any existing universe.

“Yeah, Steve, why don’t you tell Y/N what’s bugging you,” Bucky egged on, his eyes clearly trying to send a signal to his slightly stupid and oblivious best friend. Y/N was busy facing Steve, watching his eyes and facial expressions so she didn’t see Bucky very aggressively mouthing out, “TELL. HER. HOW. YOU. FEEL!”

Steve’s lips twitched a little, chewing on the inside of his lip nervously, “It’s nothing, really-” he started, glaring at Bucky for even bringing it up.

“I think Y/N deserves to know how you feel. You know. About this date,” Bucky continued and Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed as she moved her gaze between them.

“My date? Is there something wrong?” Y/N asked, tilting her head slightly as she looked up at Steve with those gorgeous eyes of hers. Look at her, Steve thought to himself, she got all dressed up for this punk and he might not give two shits about her.

“Just… don’t want you to get hurt, doll,” Steve finally managed to get out and Bucky’s head tilted back in exasperation, while Y/N gave Steve a smile.

“You always look out for me, Steve, but I promise I can do this on my own. Besides, I kick alien ass along the rest of you. A mere civilian date can’t go too wrong,” Y/N pointed out with a twinkle in her eye. Steve simply nodded to her, trying to force a smile that said really no I’m happy for you.

He cleared his throat a little, quickly shifting the conversation to Bucky’s lack of braiding skills. Y/N laughed at the thought of Bucky Barnes trying to braid his own hair but her fingers moved quickly to pull his hair into a nice bun with a braid looping around it, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek afterwards.

“It’s perfect, Y/N, thank you!” Bucky grinned, smiling ever so innocently at Steve as if to rub it in his friend’s face that he got a kiss on his cheek. Steve wanted to roll his eyes again but Y/N stood up and he held an arm out to steady her as she slipped on her heels.

“Alright! I’m going to wait near the front for FRIDAY to let me know the taxi is here! Wish me luck, boys!” Y/N’s voice was so light and airy, something that Steve rarely heard when they were busy shooting down bad guys or tackling mission prep. He couldn’t help but just wish she would be that excited about seeing him too.

Bucky watched his best friend for a moment, raising an eyebrow at the look of puppy dog love on Steve’s face, “You do realize that she would be that excited and more to got out with you, right?” Bucky informed him, as if he was able to read his mind.

Steve blinked in surprise, glancing over at him, “How would I ever know that for sure?”

“Simple. Ask the girl out.”

It hadn’t been more than half an hour before Steve burst into Bucky’s room, where he had been skimming through some memes the Peter boy had sent him via the Insta-gram.

“Hey Steve, did you know there’s this new app called TikTok-” Bucky started, not at all phased by the bursting of his friend into his room.

“I’ve got a plan!”

There was a twinkle in his eyes, a sort of mischievous glint that told Bucky he wasn’t going to like this plan at all. “What is it?” He asked, almost regretting it as soon as he did.

“We have to protect her, Bucky, she’s too good for most men of this world. I can’t let this Kyle dude take her out when he’s not nearly good enough. So, we have to go there and make sure he doesn’t hurt her!”

“Mhm. Yeah. Except, we have no clue where she is. She didn’t even know, remember?” Bucky shrugged, hoping that this plan of Steve’s would crumble and he would end up sitting in his room sulking until he got the balls to go tell Y/N how he felt.

“FRIDAY can track her phone!” Steve proudly proclaimed and Bucky wondered if it took him all of the past 30 minutes to come up with this ingenious plan. “I’ll just get FRIDAY to track her phone, we’ll go and set up a reservation, try and get seated near them, and just wear disguises and make sure that he doesn’t try anything!”

Bucky blinked slowly, fingers rubbing his temple as he noticed just how rash and insane his best friend still was, as if they were still kids in the olden days, “You do realize how creepy that is right? You want to track her phone for her location, sit near her and just… watch her? I- You can see how that is creepy right?”

He didn’t.

“Hold up, and what do you mean we?” Bucky asked with a groan, knowing full well he wasn’t going to like the answer.

But Steve was already going through Bucky’s closet to find the most inconspicuous looking clothes that were still fancy enough for a fancy restaurant, too busy throwing clothes at Bucky’s bed to answer.

“This is one of those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea and you ignore me, isn’t it?” Bucky whined a little, throwing his head back onto his bed and closing his eyes, wondering how his best friend managed to lose all sense of rationale when it came to Y/N.

And that is how, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, dressed in suits matched with baseball hats and sunglasses (“this isn’t how you blend in, Steve, especially at some fancy restaurant,” Bucky had tried to warn him) ended up in line at  

L’ailment,

trying to pretend like they weren’t sticking out of the crowd like a sore thumb.

“Sir, I’m sorry, without a reservation, it’s almost impossible to be seated-” the front of house insisted but Steve pulled off his sunglasses, glancing around nervously.

“Any chance you could make an exception for two superheroes who are good friends with Tony Stark?” Steve begged, practically on his knees pleading to get in.

Turns out, she could.

The lady had another server lead them into the dining area, and Steve quickly asked if they could be seated in a booth that just so happened to be near a gorgeous black dress-wearing girl who was giggling as she sipped the liquid from a wine glass.

“-you have the most gorgeous laugh I have ever heard,” Kyle was saying and Steve had to keep himself from choking on his gag reflex. Y/N laughed some more, and there was a glow to her skin that Steve found himself wishing he had caused instead of… Kyle.

“Sir?” The waiter was tapping Steve’s shoulder and Bucky chuckled a bit, noting that Steve had just been standing there, staring at Y/N and Kyle longer than would be comfortable.

“Sorry, thank you,” Steve blushed, slipping onto his seat and kicking at Bucky’s leg as he continued to laugh at him.

“So much for not being obvious,” Bucky whispered to him, throwing his hat and sunglasses away, much to Steve’s annoyance. But before he could convince his best friend that these disguises were highly necessary on their mission, Bucky had become too concerned with how much the restaurant was charging for food, “How much???? For pasta???”

“Bucky!” Steve hissed with a glare, “Shut up, I’m trying to listen!”

“-looking for just someone to be my best friend,” Kyle was saying, swirling his wine around in its glass. “Here I was thinking that I didn’t want anything serious and then you walk into my life… and I can tell that if I don’t do this right, I’d be missing out on something amazing.”

Y/N’s giggle told Steve everything. That crazy line worked, Steve couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t she tell he was lying? Steve’s hands curled into fists against his thighs, tensing at just how fake the guy sounded to him.

“I mean, he seems pretty genuine. Sure it’s a bit cheesy, but he didn’t actively change the subject or anything and it’s not like he’s avoiding being seen in public with her,” Bucky pointed out much to Steve’s discontent. He waved him off, straining his hearing to hear the rest of the conversation over other people at nearby tables.

“Come on, you can’t tell me that you’re surrounded by good looking dudes who are superheroes all day and you haven’t gone to bed with any of them!” Kyle was laughing and Y/N joined in, but Steve watched as she shifted somewhat uncomfortably at what he was insinuating.

“They’re the closest things I have to family, sometimes I’ve thought about dating members of the team-” Y/N admitted and Steve’s heart fluttered a bit, wondering if she was talking about him… before it fell at the realization it could be someone else. “-don’t think they could be all that interested in me anyways. But enough about me, tell me more about what you do at your job, how was your meeting earlier?”

“Ah you know, late evening meetings, same old, same old,” Kyle smiled, brushing off the topic quickly and glancing at his phone that happened to be on the table. “Give me a second, won’t you, darling? It’s the office. If I don’t get it now, they’ll just keep calling.”

Y/N smiled at him and nodded, waving him off, “I get it. Work is busy, go ahead.” Kyle grinned in response and took off to the back, Y/N sipping on her wine some more as she was left alone at the table.

“Who the hell leaves a pretty girl at the dinner table by themselves to take a work call?” Steve grumbled with a huff, shifting in his seat.

“You would,” Bucky pointed out with a shrug, glancing at the drink menu. “If the Avengers called, you’re telling me you would finish dinner?”

“That’s different, Buck, we’re talking a violent threat versus some office call,” Steve rolled his eyes, glancing at the direction that Kyle had taken off at. “I’m going to the bathroom, hold on.”

He excused himself, Bucky eagerly whispering in his trail, “What do you want if the waiter comes?” He didn’t answer, leaving Bucky to grumble that he just wouldn’t order him anything. But food wasn’t exactly on Steve’s mind right now anyways.

Steve maneuvered himself around Y/N’s table, quickly hiding himself behind a few waiters and other guests so she wouldn’t recognize him, before swiftly walking to the back of the restaurant. He glanced around near the bathrooms, raising an eyebrow as he caught Kyle’s stature near one of the corners.

Half pretending to be looking at the art displayed on the wall and half pretending to be listening to something on the phone he put up to his ear, Steve managed to duck his face away from Kyle who seemed to be chuckling over something the person on the other end of his call said.

“-I know sweetie, I wish I could be home with you right now but I’ve got this meeting… I know I’m tired of last minute meetings too but I promise it’ll be worth it when I get this promotion,” Kyle was saying and Steve could feel something burning inside of him. “Love you too, dearest. Best wife ever, hm?” And with that, Kyle made a kissing sound to the phone and hung up, straightening out his jacket and smoothing out his hair.

Steve wasn’t sure what came over him but he couldn’t deny he saw red. Here this guy was, at dinner with one of the nicest, most honest, amazing human beings that Steve had ever met in his years of living, and this bonehead had a wife at home? Before he could think through the situation, Steve’s arm shot out, grabbing Kyle as he walked by and slamming him hard into the wall.

“What the fuck, man?” Kyle screeched, eyes widening when he realized who was under the baseball hat. “The hell? She brought her superhero boyfriend around?” He scoffed, wincing a little as Steve tightened his grip. “Damn she must be real good in bed for a guy like you to be all riled up about her,” Kyle chuckled, as if his joking manner would ease the tense situation.

But Steve’s eyes just got darker, “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that right?” Steve wished to god his glare could burn a hole into Kyle, his face going red with the boiling rage running through his body. “She got all excited for this date. She’s been talking about you non-stop and you’re going around two timing on her?”

The sound of Kyle’s body against the wall must’ve surprised some of the restaurant’s patrons, whispers growing louder around them. Steve didn’t need to look around for his peripheral to catch the workers coming closer.

“Sir, please, you’re causing a scene. I must ask that you bring this outside of our establishment,” someone was saying but Steve stood exactly where he was, firm in his anger.

“What’s going on here? Is everything okay?” This was the only voice that made Steve jump back slightly, his eyes immediately catching breathtaking ones that he had always admired. “Steve?” Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed as she looked between the two of them, trying to decipher the situation. “Wh-What’re you… why the hell are you here?”

“Your coworker’s got some crazy anger issues here,” Kyle huffed, pulling himself together and brushing his shoulders off. “Grabbed me for no goddamn reason.”

Steve shot him a glare and almost prided himself on the fact that the boy in front of him winced a little, “No reason huh? You want to tell her who I heard you talking to?”

There was a flutter of fear and guilt in Kyle’s eyes, even though his chest puffed out in arrogance, “I have no clue what you’re talking about, I was talking to my work-”

“Bull shit.” Steve took a step closer to him and Kyle immediately took one back, his back hitting the wall again. Their gazes went unwavered, Steve challenging him to say one more lie.

“Steve, stop this,” Y/N insisted, pulling on his arm slightly. “The hell are you doing? What are you even doing here?”

But Steve ignored her questions, eyes still steady on Kyle, “Tell her. Or I will.” There was a pause and Steve couldn’t help but roll his eyes for what felt like the thousandth time. Kyle couldn’t even man himself up to admit what was going on. “Fine. Your date here just got off the phone with a girl who’s waiting for him to come back home. His wife. He told her you were just a business meeting.” Steve turned to look at Y/N, who just looked hurt and confused. She pulled her hands away from the grip they had on Steve and he could see her swallowing down the embarrassment as people shuffled awkwardly to see what the outcome of the situation would be.

Steve felt a quick moment of pride, his ego boosting a little as he confirmed his own suspicions that this was the reason why he had had an issue with Y/N going out on a date tonight. Here this guy was, sleazy and clearly not a good enough guy for Y/N, and Steve had been absolutely right. But almost immediately after the small burst of celebration, Steve felt his heart sink slightly at the look in Y/N’s eyes.

Although her posture was still stiff, her jaw clenched as she looked at Kyle, as if waiting for him to explain that it was all a misunderstanding. That the woman at home was actually his mom or some relative and Steve had just heard the whole phone call wrong. But Kyle just puffed his chest out some more, acting as if nothing had happened. As if he had done nothing wrong. Her gaze then turned to Steve, confusion filling her eyes as she tried to understand why he was even here. Why had he followed her to this date? And for that matter, how had he followed her?

Embarrassment filled Y/N’s whole body and she could feel her nails digging into her palms as she tightened her hands into fists. “Fuck you, Kyle,” was all she said after a moment, turning around and walking quickly out of the restaurant. People gave her empathetic glances as she rushed away but her pace quickened all the more any time she caught their eyes.

“Y/N!” Steve called out to her, his shoulders slinking down slightly as he watched her disappear. People’s murmurs were growing, whispers and assumptions flying to his ears and making him feel smaller than how he was pre-serum. He even caught a few people trying to film the whole situation. A small piece of guilt started to grow in his stomach as he realized how much embarrassment he had just caused. He could’ve handled the whole situation better, he knew that in hindsight.

“How’d that go for you, punk?” Bucky asked slowly as Steve rushed past their table, hoping to following Y/N outside this now claustrophobic-feeling restaurant. Bucky got up from the table, whisking himself away to Steve’s side as the man frantically tried to chase after the girl,“I gotta say, I love a night filled with dinner and a show, but that was terrible entertainment.”

It was at this moment that Steve had not only wished that he hadn’t come in the first place, but he especially wished he hadn’t brought Bucky around. As soon as they had burst through the doors, Steve wasn’t sure if he was relieved or even more panicked to find Y/N standing there, tears falling from her face.

“Get the hell away from me, Rogers,” she warned with a shaky voice, her eyes shooting him a glare as she desperately tried to wipe her face.

“Y/N, please, let me explain,” Steve begged, walking towards her and reaching out to her but she flinched away, a stern look on her face even with sobs shakily leaving her lips.

“You ruined everything, Steve, why couldn’t you just leave me alone? You followed me to a fucking restaurant! I didn’t even know where I was going so how did you-” she paused as she thought about it and Steve’s eyes moved to the ground in shame. The anger built up in her quickly than he expected, her foot stomping on the ground in frustration, “You had FRIDAY track my fucking phone? God, Steve Rogers, you piece of shit, I can’t believe you!”

Steve opened his lips to insist that it was for a good reason but gave up, knowing there really wasn’t a good enough reason to explain, “I-I’m sorry, doll, I know I was an idiot. But I couldn’t let him take advantage of you! I knew there was something wrong with him!”

“Then why the hell didn’t you tell me beforehand? Did you just magically have this realization while I was already on my way here? Why didn’t you say something?” She demanded, arms crossed in front of her.

“I-I-” Steve stammered out, his mind suddenly drawing a blank of all those excuses that seemed like such good reasons earlier. “I’m sorry,” was all he could manage out.

Y/N huffed exasperatedly, shaking her head and pacing around on the sidewalk, ignoring all the glances of people passing nearby, “I cannot believe you, Steve. And then to top it all off, when you found out, you didn’t even just tell me privately. Ha! No, you had to show it off, dangle your new found knowledge in my face in front of everyone as if my dating life is any of their business! You had to go shove him into a wall like some macho alpha asshole!”

Steve’s shoulders shrunk as she yelled at him, knowing he deserved it with the way he ignored Bucky’s warnings (and his own conscience, for that matter), “I-… I know I fucked up, doll, and I’m sorry, and I’ll keep apologizing for however long you want. I just couldn’t let you go out with that asshole. You deserve so much better than all these guys you bring around, don’t you know that? You should be with a man who’s so much more than the others. Someone who wouldn’t treat you like a business dinner,” Steve told her, as if pleading for her to see that she was so many leagues better than the rest of the world.

Y/N hesitated, tears still sliding down her cheeks and ruining that perfect makeup she had put on only hours earlier. Her eyes watched him as he pleaded, eyebrows tensing as if in confusion, “Someone like you?” She asked quietly, almost in a mocking tone. Her words felt so harsh in the heat of the moment but she couldn’t take them back once they were gone.

But the scoff that she expected never came. The we’re just friends, Y/N never left his lips. The look in his eyes wasn’t a look of but you’re just like a little sister to me. There was a pause and even Bucky, who was standing a few feet away, was holding his breath as the two of them stood there.

“I-I dunno,” Steve grumbled out nervously, eyes quickly dropping from Y/N’s gaze, which was quickly becoming a look of confusion. Steve fidgeted under such a tense situation, rubbing the back of his neck as he thought about all those times he had just wanted to be around her. Just wanted to listen to her talk about that hobby of hers that she thought no one cared about. How he longed to lay next to her and just play with her hair, watch as she slowly dazed away. Steve could feel his heart pounding against his chest as he thought about her, thought about all the feelings he had pushed down so eagerly from the moment they met. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I said someone better,” he pointed out shyly.

He wanted her to agree. He wanted her to scoff and laugh bitterly. He wanted that anger that was in her voice so long ago to drown him in his guilt, he wanted her to throw him away so he could confirm the fear that kept his feelings at bay for so long. She couldn’t ever want him, he was being foolish. Look at the guys she brought home, they were normal. Deliciously normal with 8 to 5 jobs and a retirement plan, and here he was. The only reason he was even able to breathe properly without wheezing is because of some serum running through his body. He wasn’t normal, he couldn’t give her normal.

There was a furrow in Y/N’s brow as she tried to piece together Steve’s behaviour and his half-confession. Her eyes moved to Bucky, who was watching with half a smile on his face. The two of them shared a silent conversation, her questions answered by a single nod of his head.

“Steve, did you come out here and follow me because…because you were jealous?” Y/N asked him, still confused. There was a little light humour to her voice because of course Steve was not jealous. Steve is Captain Fucking America. Why would the literal god of all things perfect be jealous of anything coming near her? No, it had to be that he wanted to protect her. It had to be that they were just friends because if they weren’t just friends, then everything that Nat, Wanda, Pepper, and even Tony had said was correct. That would mean that maybe Steve did brighten a little whenever she walked into a room, maybe he did start wearing that blue shirt more often because she had commented how much she liked it, maybe he had bought that way-too-expensive cologne because she enjoyed the scent… maybe all those longing glances across the room, the lingering touches of their hands… maybe it hadn’t all been in her head.

Steve felt his heart start crawling up his throat, clutching at the dryness and making him regret he hadn’t at least drank some water earlier. There was a part of him that wanted to deny it, to throw his heart away as far as he could and insist that no good could come from this. But the look on her face, what was that in her eyes- was that hope? Steve cleared his throat slightly, shifting his weight on his feet as he sheepishly looked up at her, “Would that be bad?” He asked her softly. “Me… Me being jealous, would that be a terrible thing?”

Y/N’s lips turned into a small smile, a gentleness touching her tearful eyes, “No, I don’t think it’d be terrible. Actually, it might be… a good thing.”

Steve’s posture straightened as she spoke, the lines smoothing on his forehead while his heart still beat aggressively into his chest, “R-Really?”

“But this doesn’t excuse your poor behaviour, Steven,” Y/N scolded him again quickly, wagging her finger in his face. “Feelings for me or not, you should’ve told me! You shouldn’t have followed me to the restaurant or embarrassed me publicly!” Steve’s head ducked again as he nodded along, knowing she was right and he really did fuck up a lot tonight. “But,” she smiled a bit, her heart fluttering a little at the mere thought that Steve fucking Rogers was jealous over her dating, “maybe if you keep apologizing and work on that irrational behaviour of yours, we can consider making sure this never happens again.”

Steve nodded quickly, smiling at her innocently, “I promise I won’t ever be this kind of idiot again. I can’t promise I won’t be another kind of idiot, but I promise I won’t have FRIDAY track your phone and follow you on another date every again.”

Y/N laughed at how puppy dog he seemed, eagerly begging for love so quickly after being scolded, “I mean, it would be pretty awkward if you didn’t come to my next few dates.”

Steve blinked at her in confusion, trying to follow her thought process, “S-Sorry?”

“Well if you’re going to take me out, you can’t just not come along,” Y/N pointed out with a small stifled giggle, Steve’s eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Thank fuck, that took so long,” Bucky yelped out from behind them, lazily wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders and rubbing his knuckles into the blond’s head, who just groaned and tried to shove him off. “Honestly, next time at least feed me if you’re going to take this long. Can we go home now? I’m seriously hungry for some pasta that’s not going to cost me a second mortgage.”

“Do you even have a first mortgage?” Steve asked with confusion and Bucky swatted at his head quickly, insisting that that wasn’t the point.

Y/N couldn’t help but smile as she watched the two, biting down on her lip as Steve met her eyes and smiled that same heart-melting smile. After climbing into a cab that she had waved down, Bucky told the story of tonight’s events from his own perspective (exaggerating details, Y/N was sure of it). She knew one day she would laugh at how impulsive Steve’s thinking was, but for right now, she was just happy with the fact that he had taken her hand in his as they drove home.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** 

Hi hello, just a quick other author’s note to big a huge thank you to @wxstedhexrt​ (aka the love of my life). Thank you for always reading my fics and being excited about my writing, thank you for helping me when I’m stumped and for giving me the title of this fic. Thank you for being fucking amazing and the best human ever <3 I really don’t know if I would’ve put this out without you so thank you so much <3

MASTERLIST

[c-rose2081]

Dating & Politics

Aurora, Phillip, & Audrey AU

Summary: Phillip isn’t pleased about news of Ben and Mal dating. He and Aurora discuss plans to make their voices heard in Auradon, and to make sure Audrey isn’t left alone to deal with a dicey political climate.

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“I’m going to kill him,”

Glancing up from her usual place at the table, Aurora felt the walls vibrate as the front door was thrown open. Phillip’s frustration and anger wafted from his being like a raging inferno. And though normally so docile and loving, it was in these moments Aurora knew full well it was indeed her husband who had lain waste to a dragon for her.

“Something wrong, my love?” She asked innocently, setting down the magazine she had been skimming simply to pass the time.

“You bet somethings wrong,” Phillip fumed, setting to work in the kitchen for tea, “I swear, tomorrow morning I’m marching straight into Auradon with hellfire at my heels,”

“Whatever for?” Aurora asked bewilderedly, “what’s happened?”

“Ben and...and that girl are now dating,”

‘That girl’ was referring to Mal, recently arrived daughter of Maleficent. Audrey told her all about it on the phone the day the Isle Kids had arrived, and Aurora wasn’t going to say she didn’t feel a bit uneasy at the daughter of her greatest enemy in such close proximity to any of them. But news of Mal and Ben becoming a couple in less then a month?

“Well, that’s a bit surprising,” Aurora admitted with furrowed brows, watching as Phillip flopped down into the seat across from her, still fuming at the news, “but what’s it to you, love, who Ben chooses as his girlfriend? Certainly you didn’t share the same feelings as mother...”

“What, about Ben and Little Dove being together? Hardly,” scoffing at the mere idea, Phillip shook his head, “those two are like oil and water, amore. It wouldn’t ever work. She’s a spitfire, and he’s a doormat. He’d try and fail to wrangle a girl like her,”

“No need to be so critical,” Aurora chided, though it fell to deaf ears. It wasn’t often Phillip felt the need to decompress in front of her, so she wasn’t about to dismiss his worries, whatever those worries happened to be, “so what is on your mind then, if it isn’t anything to do with Audrey?”

“I thought perhaps Ben had learned something in those ivory walls,” Phillip complained, “but he’s as arrogant and empty headed as his father,”

“Such treasonous words, my King,” Aurora teased, though she did agree somewhat. Belle had always been the brains of the relationship, even before Auradon became official. But she seemed to have taken a large step back from any political responsibility after Ben’s birth, instead focusing on being a doting mother. Now days, she was merely an accessory to a hotheaded King’s wardrobe, and it was — in her own opinion — a bit pathetic.

Of course, Aurora herself enjoyed playing doting mother to her baby girl. Audrey was the light of her life, and very much the apple of Phillip’s eye. But neither she nor her husband ever let that stop them from being fully involved in both Rosalia and Wesminshire’s overall political standing. They even brought Audrey into the fold whenever possible, giving her plenty of chances to make large decisions on her own with a bit of support from them, and her two smitten Grandfathers.

“What has Ben’s choice in relationship have to do with politics?” Aurora puzzled lightly, accepting the tea passed across the table in lieu of her now uninteresting reading material.

“Everything!” Phillip exclaimed, “it’s as though he’s trying to slight us. Inviting Maleficent’s daughter here despite our country’s alignments. Failing to consult not just Auroria, but Agrabah and Shimmervale as well? And now this? It’s a conspiracy, Rose! I trust that girl as far as Audrey could throw her,”

“So what do you suggest we do?” Aurora asked daintily, “I do see your point, my love. And I’m not saying I don’t agree; quite the contrary actually. But laying siege to the palace at Auradon over a teenagers choice in partner, however misguided, wouldn’t be a good look,”

“I want to have a chat with King Beast and his son,” Phillip grumbled, “face to face, eye to eye. I’m not going to sit here and let these...these misgivings go unanswered.” Phillip folded his arms tightly, crossing one leg over the other as he bounced a foot, “Ben can only hide behind his youthful ignorance for so long. And I refuse to let Audrey deal with this mess on her own,”

“Our girl seems to think the four new students are up to something,” Aurora admitted to Phillip lightly, drawing the flat of her finger around the rim of her cup, “she mentioned it on our call the day they arrived. Told me about how Mal had acted towards her upon first arriving,”

“Did she speak to young Aziz and Winter?” Phillip questioned, “how do they feel about the son and daughter of their enemies being in Auradon?”

“Prince Aziz gets along quite well with the son of Jafar, from what I’ve heard. Audrey told me the two are quite similar, they both love Tourney, but as you know boys aren’t always as intuitive as they should be,”

“And Winter?”

“Having similar feelings to Audrey, I think,” Aurora confirmed, “Princess Winter is very quiet you know, but she’s not as stupid as everyone else seems to make her out to be. The girls are uneasy,”

“Rightfully so,” Phillip nodded, “I trust Audrey’s intuition in this matter. But Ben needs to know his foolishness is not appreciated in the eyes of his allied Kingdoms,”

“I concur,” Aurora sighed, “perhaps I’ll join you? I wish to speak with Queen Belle about the upcoming Family Day, and our RSVP,”

“I assume we won’t be traveling to Arendelle as we first thought?” Phillip asked with a small smile.

“With things as they are, I think Audrey and Winter would appreciate the extra political support. No need for things to get dicey while she’s alone. Maybe a letter to Queen Snow White and Sultana Jasmine would be proper, as well?”

“Yes, I think so,” Phillip nodded, rising from his chair to fetch scrolls and feather quills. Aurora merely pulled out her phone, gently typing out a message to Audrey.

‘Cancelling plans for Arendelle. See you at Family Day <3’

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A/N: This AU is really just Aurora and Phillip being competent rulers, as well as thoughtful parents who think about how Mal’s presence could possibly threaten their little girl. Also royal politics 🙏

[angelaiswriting]

The Contest (1 of 7) | some R6S guys x fem!reader

✏️ Pairing: Bandit / Blitz / Glaz / Jäger / Tachanka x fem!reader

✏️ Summary: Dominic Brunsmeier can’t keep his goddamn mouth shut when it comes to eating pussy, and that’s how Y/N found herself being drafted to be the judge of this pussy-eating contest. (Straight out of a dream @kind-wolf​ had)

✏️ A/N: I... ehm, am a hoe, whoops 🙊 y’all, enjoy! Thank you, Alice, for always having great dreams and for letting me write about this. 🥰 The first actual part is coming soon, I just want to write a bit more of part four to avoid dishing everything out now and making you wait for the rest.

✏️ Warnings: nothing yet, but still 18+ only for sexual themes (oral sex f/r) being discussed.

✏️ Word-count: 1,937

✏️ The links to the other parts are in the masterlist linked in my bio.

THE CONTEST  |  >> part two: elias >>

When Y/N entered the lounge room, the conversation was already flowing and as she was already tired from the testosterone-filled day spent at the practically almost empty base, she didn’t make much of an effort to join it. She simply reached the alcohol cabinet, poured herself some whiskey, and sat down in one of the empty armchairs, ready to allow her drink and her friends’ voices in the background to fully relax her.

The day she had ahead was another one of those boring days. She was base-bound for the time being: other teams had been sent on various missions and only a bunch of operators had been left behind “on hold”. It wasn’t that bad: it meant having some days off, but those days often felt way too long and their emptiness brought up a heavy boredom she didn’t always know how to banish.

Her head had just leaned back against the cool faux leather of the armchair when her ears picked up bits of the conversation the boys were having and her eyebrows furrowed.

“Eating pussy is not a hobby,” Glaz was saying matter-of-factly.

Y/N’s eyes shot open, and the sip of whiskey that was halfway down her throat almost choked her.

“That’s something someone who doesn’t know how to eat pussy would say,” was Dominic’s reply. His eyebrows were knitted together and his lips almost pursed in disbelief at what his friend had just said. But then, when his gaze swept over and settled on Y/N, sitting right opposite him with the low coffee table separating them, his expression relaxed and his free hand, the one not holding his beer, came up to stroke his beard. “Have you ever eaten pussy so good you start considering learning how to breathe out of your ears?” he said and although he wasn’t talking directly to her, he was talking about her. He had told her just that a couple of weeks ago; he had groaned those words right against the chafed and tender skin of her inner thighs as she was still shivering with the aftershocks of her umpteenth orgasm, and she had breathlessly chuckled out loud at the mental picture that concept had painted in her mind.

At that, Marius laughed, a sound right from deep down his throat as Elias coughed in the attempt not to choke on his own drink. “You know no discretion.”

“Of course not! This motherfucker just said eating pussy can’t be considered a hobby!” Burning with disbelief, Dominic took a long sip of his beer and as he did so, he settled better in his armchair and allowed his ankles to cross as he rested his feet on the coffee table. “You learn how to eat delicious, juicy pussy, Glazkov,” he continued, the corners of his mouth curling upwards, “and then we’ll see if you still don’t change your mind.”

Timur groaned something in Russian and Alex cackled next to him. “I already know how to eat pussy, Christ. I bet I’m even better than you at it. You’re just boasting, but it’s all smoke in the eyes.”

Alexsandr proclaimed his agreement with a raise of his drink and before Dominic had the time to speak again, Y/N intervened, hoping to put an end to the discussion.

“Are you guys really arguing about your oral skills?” she scoffed, pulling her knees closer as her head leaned back against the headrest of the armchair. “How old are you, fifteen?”

“Listen, you know I’m right.” Dominic’s insistence threatened to make her smile, but hiding it was easy behind the rim of her tumbler. “You have to get down eye-level with your woman’s pussy and give it your fucking best. If you don’t go down on her like that’s the best thing you’ll ever do in your days, then you better leave the room to the pro.”

“Who, you?” Marius scoffed, eyeing his friend up and down before rolling his eyes at his Well, yeah, of course.

“Oh, fuck off. What are you, the self-proclaimed Cunnilingus Lord?”

“I don’t see anyone else worthy of that title here, so yeah, sure.”

There was a sudden uproar of “You clearly haven’t seen my women with me between their legs,” and “I’m sure you don’t even know where the clit is,” until Glaz’s voice seemed to drown out the others.

“You’re so full of bullshit, Brunsmeier.”

“I won’t let a child with his mom’s milk still on his upper lip insult me!” And while everyone’s words felt heavy and tense in the silence of the base, they all knew it was just a way to tease each other in the vain attempt to liven things up in these days’ placidity. Maybe an impromptu fight was just what they needed to have some fun.

But then, as Timur and Dominic stared each other down, Y/N’s soft laughter catalyzed the men’s attention onto something else. “I can’t believe you’re really about to fight over this. Why don’t you just sit in a circle and jerk each other off? The tension in here is palpable. When was the last time y’all had an orgasm?” She smirked and when she turned and caught Alex’s almost-shocked facial expression, something she never thought she’d one day see at the mention of sex, she chuckled some more. “You should place bets, and then come back and see who’s actually the best. The winner wins the money and the title of Cunnilingus Lord.” It was a joke, one she didn’t think would have a follow-up.

Silence ensued, and she would swear she could hear their brains work at maximum capacity as they mulled over her words. She knew how filthy-mouthed and filthy-minded these men could be — and she had spent more time with them than she had ever done before the past week — but it was still somewhat surprising to catch them red-handed as they fought about who had it bigger — or, in this case, who ate pussy out the best.

“What about a contest?” was Alexsandr’s proposal. He was sitting with his legs spread open and his hands in-between them, still holding onto his shot glass.

Everyone seemed to agree on his proposal and for a moment, as they spoke their minds, Y/N let her eyes close once more: if they wanted to challenge each other to a stupid contest, let them. The peace didn’t last long, though, because at some point, just as she was contemplating a nice bath instead of a shower before hitting the sack, someone called her name, and her eyes shot open just in time to see Dominic’s mischievous grin before it disappeared for good.

“I was saying,” he spoke up again, voice slow and measured as his feet came to rest on the floor and his legs spread a little wider, catching her eye, “that you would make an excellent judge.”

“And a partial one,” complained Marius, to which Dominic complained with a But she loves getting head! “We all know you two spend more time in the same bed than you do in separate rooms.”

She scoffed at that, more annoyed at the thought that someone would think she’d make someone else win on purpose than she was at the fact that she had just been brought into such a game. “Just because I’ve seen his dick more than I’ve seen yours doesn’t mean I don’t know how to judge good oral skills.” She frowned.

“It’s settled then.” Timur was grinning and his eyes seemed to twinkle under the lights of the room. “We eat you out, and you proclaim the winner.”

“Slow down, I never said I’d participate in your silly game.”

“But you also didn’t seem that opposed to it a second ago,” Dominic remarked. He was smirking again, and she knew he had something in mind. “You make the rules, and drop out if things start getting uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, no hard feelings,” Elias smiled, trying to look more innocent than she knew he was. “We care about you; you know we’d never push anything that could cause you discomfort.”

She eyed them all, one after the other, pondering the pros and cons of having these five men’s faces between her legs and not because of some chokehold during training. She had no problem saying yes to Dominic — she had been saying yes to him for longer than she could actually recall, and he had never disappointed. But it still felt rather weird to know that while it was just sex and they weren’t exclusive, that man was okay with that. He knew how to be possessive, but he wasn’t exactly jealous, and although they had never talked about it, she had never thought of him as someone who would share so willingly.

Unless his ego was at stake, though, apparently.

“There won’t be any dick involved,” she decided eventually. “I don’t know about clothes yet, but if I say you must keep them on, you will keep them on, understood?”

There followed a chorus of Yes, Ma’am and although her body relaxed against the leather of her armchair, she found herself squeezing her thighs together.

“No toys allowed, but fingers are fair game,” she added. “Scratch that, their use is highly encouraged. We can do it anywhere you want as long as it’s somewhere private. But absolutely no exhibitionism: there’s only going to be me and one of you in the room at a time. Only one person in a day, for God’s sake, I have other things to do other than being the judge for your stupid game.”

“Deal,” was Elias and Timur’s rushed reply and they exchanged a look at the simultaneity of the action.

“I’m not done,” she chuckled, shaking her head. “I’d say the rule is only one orgasm per participant but if you’re good at it — and you’ll understand it from my reaction —, you have free reign to give me another.” It was a plain attempt at riling Dominic up because it had been clear, just a few moments ago, that he thought he was the best, la crème de la fucking crème when it came to giving head to a woman, and a sick part of her wished she could be able to challenge him that tad bit more. “I don’t care about the order you decide to follow, that’s your business. I’d just like for you to let me know at least the day prior, so that if I’m busy with something Rainbow, we can reschedule.” She sat back for a moment, thinking of something else to add, but she came up empty-ended. “Now, if you accept these rules, you’re in, otherwise forget about getting close to my pussy.”

They all agreed, and they all promised they’d be good boys and behave.

“What’s the final prize?” Alexsandr inquired after a while, almost absent-mindedly.

“The knowledge that the winner is the best in this room at eating pussy? I thought that would be enough,” she laughed. “You can bet real money, that’s your business. But,” and she stared right in Dominic’s eyes as she prepared herself for what was to leave her lips, “another go between my legs could be put up for grabs.”

Dominic’s That’s out of discussion! put the others’ exclamations of jubilee to silence. “You go down on her only once, you fuckers. That’s it.”

Her grin at his reaction only widened when Timur spoke up again.

“What are you worried about?” And then, to the others, barely holding back his laughter, “Maybe the expert isn’t really that great after all.”

Feedback is always welcome if you want to drop old me a line 💛

Original pic used: https://www.pexels.com/photo/white-clouds-and-blue-sky-4870972/

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[ibijau]

Deathbed Wedding pt4

Nie Mingjue too leaves the Unclean Realm, meets with a friend, and gets updated on the situation

also on AO3

Meng Yao tried to stop Nie Mingjue when he prepared to storm out of the Unclean Realm, first protesting that he couldn’t abandon his sect at the last moment this way (he could, he was the sect leader, there had to be some perks and tyranny was one), then trying to say something about Nie Huaisang.

“Has he come out of his room yet?” Nie Mingjue asked as he raided the pantry for some easy to carry rations, poor Meng Yao trotting behind him.

“Well…” Meng Yao hesitated, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Brat,” Nie Mingjue grunted, annoyed and worried at once. “Did he finally eat at least?”

“Yes, last night,” his deputy announced more confidently.

Nie Mingjue felt himself relax. He was almost certain that his brother had enough food in his room to withstand a siege, but snacks could only keep him going for so long before he might start feeling unwell.

“And is he ready to be reasonable at last?”

Once more, Meng Yao hesitated, something hardening in his eyes even as he shook his head. It was somewhat rare for the two of them to have any sort of disagreement, if only because Meng Yao was too smart to oppose him directly. Still, this time, Nie Mingjue knew that his faithful deputy would have taken his brother’s side if he’d dared.

It only made him angrier at Nie Huaisang for causing trouble like this. That stubborn little brat really was a pain in the ass sometimes.

“Nie gongzi has said he’s waiting for an apology from Nie zongzhu,” Meng Yao explained.

“He can keep waiting,” Nie Mingjue grumbled, leaving the pantry. “I’ll be gone for a week, maybe two. I’m entrusting the sect and Nie Huaisang to you. I’ll deal with him when I get back.”

Meng Yao gave him a strained smile, and bowed briefly. Later on Nie Mingjue might feel sorry for forcing him to be in charge without warning. It wasn’t the first time this happened though, and so far Meng Yao had always done an excellent job of things. Sure he sometimes encountered trouble with some of the less upstanding disciples, but Meng Yao would just have to go complain to Nie Huaisang. The little pest wouldn’t leave his room for his own brother, but he just might if someone made Meng Yao unhappy.

Brat.

Fueled by anger, Nie Mingjue jumped on Baxia and flew off as fast as his sabre would allow, heading East in the direction of the sea. There had been trouble with a monster near a harbour, and while this wasn’t in his sect’s territory, nor were water creatures his speciality, he couldn’t have refused the invitation to come help with this situation.

Two days later, he met up with Lan Xichen at the only inn of a village near the harbour in question, very close to the site of the latest attack.

It had been a long while since they had met up like this. Although the current situation wasn’t Lan Xichen’s fault, Nie Mingjue had still not wanted to see him for a while after Qingheng-Jun had refused to let his eldest son marry the second master of Qinghe Nie. At the same time, Lan Xichen hadn’t really reached out either for a few months, and then had only written to Nie Mingjue, never once offering to meet as they used to do every so often.

Never, until then.

So Nie Mingjue had dropped everything, curious to see what could have prompted his friend to ask for this.

Although he might have looked at peace to someone who did not know him, Nie Mingjue was struck by how nervous Lan Xichen looked. He couldn’t have said what exactly gave him that impression, not when Lan Xichen was sitting calmly with a cup of tea in his hands and a vague smile on his lips, but something was deeply wrong about him. Nie Mingjue almost wished that his brother were here, because Nie Huaisang was the one who knew how to read people, but even if they hadn’t fought it wouldn’t have been possible. 

Lan Xichen's letter specifically requested that Nie Mingjue had to come alone.

The sensation of wrongness only increased when Lan Xichen noticed that Nie Mingjue had arrived, and gestured for him to join him at his table. His smile, always warm usually, now looked so strained that even Nie Mingjue couldn’t have missed it.

“Mingjue-xiong, it is so nice to see you again,” Lan Xichen greeted him, making a sign at the waiter to get a fresh pot of tea. “You look… actually, you don’t look so well,” he admitted with a small grimace. “Trouble at home?”

“I could say the same,” Nie Mingjue retorted, sitting across from him. “You look awful.”

Lan Xichen pinched his lips, his hands curling into fists which he quickly hid under the table.

“I have been better. My father and I have had… we’ve had a few arguments recently.”

“Didn’t think you even knew how,” Nie Mingjue teased.

“I’m learning fast,” Lan Xichen spat, before controlling himself to smile once more. “Sorry, that was… It has been a rough few weeks. I suppose you’ve heard already?”

Nie Mingjue, surprised, shook his head. He hadn’t heard any official news coming from Gusu recently, and Meng Yao hadn’t learned any piece of gossip he’d judged worth sharing. Lan Xichen frowned at that answer and opened his mouth to explain, only to close it again when the waiter approached with a pot of hot tea and a second cup for Nie Mingjue. Lan Xichen smiled politely, watching the young man like a hawk and refusing to say a single word until Nie Mingjue and him were alone again.

“It’s nothing official yet,” Lan Xichen announced as he poured some tea for both of them. “But I think it will be soon enough. My father has contacted Jiang zongzhu about a marriage between Jiang guniang and myself.”

Nie Mingjue stared at him. “You’re joking.”

Pinching his lips again, Lan Xichen shook his head, a deeper frown appearing on his face.

“He took me to meet her just a few days ago,” he explained, his voice trembling with barely restrained anger. “Me and Wangji too, since he was going on a Night Hunt with Jiang disciples anyway. He said since she’ll be part of the family, we should both know her. She doesn’t like the match anymore than I do, because she knows about… about my situation, thanks to her brother and Wei Wuxian. But since her parents seem to want this, it will almost certainly happen.”

Even at a normal time, Nie Mingjue would have been furious to hear this. Now though, still in the middle of an argument with Nie Huaisang, having heard from Nie Zonghui what risks his brother had yet again taken during his latest Night Hunt and suspecting that he hadn’t even been told the half of it, Nie Mingjue felt his temper flare up.

“And what about Huaisang?” He snarled, banging his fist on the table. “After all this, are you really so easily swayed, Lan gongzi?”

Lan Xichen briefly glared at him, before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Mingjue-xiong…”

“Do you have any idea how hard that little idiot is trying to meet your father’s demands?” Nie Mingjue shouted, startling Lan Xichen who opened his eyes again. The few other patrons present also turned to look at him, but Nie Mingjue ignored them. “Huaisang has been on Night Hunt after Night Hunt, he hasn’t missed practice in over a year, and you…”

“Mingjue-xiong, not here,” Lan Xichen whispered, glancing around at the other patrons. “This is… let’s finish our tea and get on our way, we can talk when we’re alone. Some of this is… I think here is not a good place for it.

Even through his anger, Nie Mingjue liked Lan Xichen too much to expose him to the discomfort of a public argument. He drank his tea without waiting, letting it burn his throat in his haste to just go out and find a place where he could shout without restrictions. With this done, he threw some money on the table to pay their tab, and roughly grabbed Lan Xichen by the arm to drag him outside.

As they walked toward the last known attack site, Lan Xichen, carefully, explained the situation in more detail, letting more and more bitterness sip through the longer he spoke. Nie Mingjue’s anger also only increased as he listened, but it was no longer turned at his friend.

“Your father has some guts,” he spat. “And you’re going to give in?”

“What else can I do?” Lan Xichen sighed, his eyes red from tears he refused to spill. “He is my father, and he has made up his mind. Besides… if you were in my position, wouldn’t you do the same?”

Nie Mingjue grunted, unsure what to say. For him, and to a lesser degree for Nie Huaisang too, it hadn’t been rare to get into fights with their father when he was still alive. The old man had half encouraged it, too, because he thought that arguments built character. Still, on the rare occasion that their father insisted to have his way, they knew when to stop arguing. So for Lan Xichen who had always been taught to obey his elders, like a dutiful Lan… 

“Are you sure he’ll keep his word about Wangji?” Nie Mingjue asked. “If he lied back then, what’s to keep him from lying again now?”

“I'm not stupid, Mingjue-xiong. I’ve told shufu about it,” Lan Xichen explained, to which his friend nodded.

Lan Qiren had made it rather clear before that he disapproved of his brother’s decision concerning his eldest son’s matrimonial prospects, and he’d always spoiled Lan Wangji, at least by Lan standards. He would not allow Qingheng-Jun to ruin the lives of both of his nephews, nor would be put up with lies and broken promises.

“When you get home to Huaisang, tell him I’m sorry,” Lan Xichen sighed. “I never meant to…” He hesitated, and sighed again, deeper this time, a pitiful expression on his face. “I really thought things would work out, and I never meant to hurt him because he is so dear to me. And yet... “ Another sigh. “Even if the Jiangs decide they don’t want this engagement, please tell Huaisang to stop trying to impress my father… but don’t tell him why. I don’t want him to know all his efforts were for nothing, that’d be too cruel.”

“I’ll try, but he doesn’t really listen to me much these days,” Nie Mingjue grumbled. “That brat.”

Lan Xichen smiled fondly for a moment, before the corner of his lips collapsed and he was forced to turn away to hide his expression.

“He’s smart enough to know what’s best for him,” Lan Xichen whispered, raising one hand to wipe something on his face.

Nie Mingjue almost laughed, because if there was one thing that Nie Huaisang had proven in recent months, it was how little sense of self preservation he had. Maybe that was why his brother had been granted a somewhat lazy personality: when he took action, he really put himself in too much danger. And while Nie Mingjue couldn’t say so out loud for fear of further upsetting Lan Xichen who was already so distraught, he was quite sure unless Nie Huaisang was told exactly how useless his efforts had been, or unless he saw Lan Xichen being married off to someone else, he wouldn’t stop trying to prove himself to a man who could never have been convinced.

“I think we’re close now,” Lan Xichen said, pointing at the nearby beach where a number of recently wrecked ships laid on their side. “I’ve been asking around about what happened, while waiting for you. Would you like to hear the details, Mingjue-xiong?”

“Sure, tell me what we know,” Nie Mingjue agreed.

Grateful that he was allowed to change the subject, Lan Xichen smiled weakly and started explaining what he had heard so far, as well as his personal theory regarding what sort of creature had been causing such trouble, and how they might have to rent a boat and go to sea for a few days if they wanted to find whatever caused this evil. Nie Mingjue listened diligently, glad to be back on more familiar terrain.

Fighting a water demon capable of destroying entire fleets would be easier than figuring out how to tell Nie Huaisang he would never get to be with the person he loved.

[missinghan]

radiant ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : college!au ; love-hate relationship!au ; frenemies to lovers!au ; fluff

❖ word count : 10k.

❖ warning : explicit language & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you've made a mental note to yourself never to make dumb bets with J.One again because who knows you'll fall for Han Jisung over two cups of boba?

one.

College. 

That specific morifying seven-letter word can literally make someone jump off a cliff. Like straight up, Lucifer would rather drink and bathe himself in holy water than to join one of the world's most traumatizing systems. Where knowledge is being drilled into people's mind like a tattoo, and it's not even a cute one, one that you most likely will regret later. 

Man, what a life. 

After highschool, most people thought they were ready, physically and mentally. That's not true. Did you really think that you're ready for monotonous lectures, for back-to-back assignments with ridiculous deadlines, for cramming forty slides of the PowerPoint presentation from your professor the night before an exam just because your brain cells decided to say 'fuck it' in the middle of the lecture ? 

No one's ever ready for living to torture themselves. 

Not even Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, the boy you grew up having him right by your window. Hyunjin, that one kid in class who would always hand people his homework whenever they asked for it. He's too kind for this world, for his own good, you often say that to yourself but Hyunjin isn't really all that great. 

He too takes pain in turning in assignments to the T.A and dreads his 9am classes tremendously. But, since he's got a rich ass uncle who has some spare apartments lying somewhat near college ( as long as he preserves the place and invites someone over to help paying the bills ), he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of living on campus. 

And you, just happen to have the honor to live with him. Well, more like temporarily to see how things will work out later. You despise living on campus anyway. 

"What's with the long face ? Did Minho ramble about his cats again instead of working ?" Hyunjin walks into the living room before dropping his keys into the gold-accent bowl that he previously purchased from a garage sale. It's quite convenient, actually, the keys never end up under the couch or some random drawers again.

You look up from your laptop screen, sparing him a glare and focusing back on your assignment. Being a media major is equivalent to taking lots of notes and a shit ton of reading which is a pain in the ass. Meanwhile, a theatre kid like your roommate has his midterms and finals as setting up plays for school's events. Pfft, privileged people.

You don't hate-hate the idea of going to school like some people, in fact, you genuinely love learning, but you're in desperate need of another word for 'child labour' to be applied to this ... situation.

"Ohoho.. It's way worse, trust me, you don't wanna know." You lean your head sideways on one of the pillows, words slightly slurred with your cheek being pressed against the soft surface.

Hyunjin raises his voice from the kitchen area. "Did he confess his love for you or something ?"

"Jesus no ! You know he's not into me like that." You almost screech and sit straight up. "We were supposed to finish our project that's due this Friday. And guess who else was there ? Another chick showed up ! I swear that I wasn't hallucinating, he brought a new one home every other day. She said she was just 'a friend'." You make the quote-on-quote sign with your fingers to emphasize.

You pull on your own hair dramatically with all your might, hissing under your breath just by recalling it. "And whenever we had a twenty-minute break every hour and a half or so, she keeps brushing herself against him, acting all innocent about it. I was deadass pissed off—"

"Woah woah, I don't think it's that—"

You throw your hands in the air helplessly, suppressing the urge to throw a tantrum. "It is that bad, Hyunjin ! The chick doesn't know how to take a fucking hint !" Whatever, Hyunjin is probably too tired to wait for you to finish complaining about some random classmate drooling over Minho because they do that all the time anyway.

"Damn." He sips on his apple juice. "I should come over next time. Might be a not-so-shitty, watered-down version of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'."

You shoot him a glare, closing your laptop shut. "I instantly regret moving in with you."

"Why ?" Hyunjin pouts and plops himself next to you on the beige-colored couch. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table while obnoxiously sipping on the box of juice.

"Because apparently, you love weird, gross, mushy noises as much as Minho does." You answer flatly, burying yourself deeper into the white fuzzy blanket. Actually, no. Living with Hyunjin isn't as bad as you're trying to make it sound.

He might not cook, but he knows some decent restaurant with reasonable prices. He might be all over the place sometimes while panicking over an upcoming exam but at least he keeps his space organized ( unlike Han Jisung, whose closet is a perfect resemblance of World War III ).

Hyunjin throws his apple juice into the nearby bin while scrolling through the 'Romance' section briefly. And sharing the same Netflix account is probably the best decision you two have ever made. "What's worth-hating here ? No smelly kids, no not-having-enough-personal-space problem. There's good food, a cute, quirky roommate which naturally equals good company. You're living your best life right now. The only downside to this is that you have to deal with my questionable sleeping habits."

Fine. Hwang Hyunjin is cute, and a total heartthrob to the entire school. You won't be surprised if every single male student hates him with a passion ( which they do ). Not to mention, all of your female classmates would be more than happy to finish all of your assignments within two days as long as you hand over his number. Although they might want to reconsider due to the fact that this good-looking boy is also that person who records his alarm by yelling at the top of his lungs into his phone speaker.

But, a good friend wouldn't do that, because even God doesn't know what those creepy girls would do once they had their hands on his phone number. This is also why you always get dirty looks from everyone just because you just happen to be his plus-one for everything.

And Hwang Hyunjin only needs a plus-one when Seungmin decides to hate him on that day ( which is almost everyday ). So there goes your reputation. You're probably nothing but a mediocre girl who just doesn't know when not to be all over her hot best friend in the people's eyes.

Hyunjin snaps his head towards the front door when the bell rings then proceeds to turn back to his roommate, showing those ridiculously adorable puppy that naturally implies as 'Get the door for me, will ya ?'. And although all you want to do is to slap him with your laptop, you still stand up nonetheless. You undo the chains and slides the lock over before swinging the door open.

"Hyunjin, I was wondering if you wanna come see us perform this Saturday. You know, at the school's mini music festival. 8p.m. Got two tickets to spare. You can get yourself a plus-one or something." And before you - with an obnoxiously loud tone, the leather jacket and Balenciaga cap - is Changbin, who sassily brushes past you and makes a beeline towards the couch, where Hyunjin is man-spreading, wrapped up securely in his white fluffy blanket.

He lazily sits up from his previous position, receiving the tickets with half-open eyes. "I'll go. As long as 'Wow' is on schedule." 'Wow' is 3racha's first and most definitely last attempt of a love song but somehow, it's managed to get itself a special place in Hyunjin's heart. Well, more accurately, everyone's heart.

Changbin cocks an eyebrow. "It's first on the list actually." He then turns to you with a smirk spread across his lips. "Whatcha say, Y/N ? We all know your favorite line is 'Excuse me noona, do you have a boyfriend ?' from the lovely J.One." He refers to one of Jisung's lines in a love song which he wrote at the age of 16, Changbin wasn’t even 18 himself then. Good times. And now literally every girl is more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere. Chan really didn't lie when he proclaimed 3racha as 'hot'.

You shake your head with a timid smile tugged on your lips. "I don't think so Bin, I'm having midterms on Monday, J.One can be saved later as my midnight snack whenever I wanna grill his ass for pestering me during the golden hour aka 3a.m."

Midterms sound good enough for an excuse because everyone would literally kill keep their A-s on those report cards. But unfortunately, you can't just play on the infamous SpearB that easily because apparently, being roommates with Hyunjin has absolutely nothing to do with improving your awful acting skills.

Just then, the most inappropriate, insufferable, infuriating, and other synonyms for 'annoying' clapback clicks inside Changbin's brain when an imaginary lightbulb pops up at the top of his head. "Man, you two are really out there banging each other in secret—"

And out the door he goes before you feel the need to personally stitch up his lips with your terrible sewing skills from elementary school. You close your eyes and takes in a deep breath, shutting the door behind your back while Hyunjin is too busy laughing his ass off on the couch.

This is getting to the point where you don't even need Han Jisung to be here to have the urge to strangle him, because his trash friends are no help at all.

two.

You step onto the bus with your earbuds on, right hand dropping the bus ticket into the glass box that's neatly placed right beside the driver's seat. Another day, another 4 hours of lectures and 2 continuous shifts which is another 5 hours at the café on campus, in which, sucks. But, what makes it even suckier comes right in three, two, one..

"Two people please !" A disturbingly obnoxious voice chirps right behind you. Just then, a figure dashes through the couple who are currently throwing daggers at him with their eyes. Not this again. You groans to yourself before sliding an extra ticket into the box because you definitely know better than to mess with a cranky bus driver. That boy over there really gotta pay for that shit.

Then, you take a seat beside the window, deciding to ignore the pest who just made you spend an extra ticket for his ride. You really should have taken another bus instead of the 325. Suddenly, a hand reaches towards one of your earbuds and pulls it out quickly. A puff of air hits your left eardrums like a rush of electricity, causing you to jump a bit.

"Can you stay still for a good span of 10 fucking seconds ?" You deadpan and and snap your head around. And before you - with slightly damp fringe covering his warm brown orbs, cute button nose and peachy lips ( gross ) - is Han Jisung. More accurately, the bane of your existence.

Jisung chuckles loudly at the big scowl on your face as he angles his head to take a proper look at you. You look like you just rolled out of bed, literally, not even metaphorically. Sweatpants, flannels and sneakers are the way to go if you're gonna be on your feet all day running around to serve sleep-deprived students and professors. Of course you look like a complete bum, it's 9a.m. What did he expect ?

"Aw." He pouts. "Where's the fun in that then, little cub ?"

And when Jisung reaches a hand out to pat your head, you frowns at his particularly ridiculous nickname for you and slaps his hand away. He watched the new remake of 'The Lion King' before the new semester started and cried like a total baby when Mufasa fell off the cliff, said Felix. Honestly, you wouldn't blame him because those devastating thirty seconds remain to be the most heartbreaking scene that Disney has ever invented. But still, the nickname is painfully unoriginal.

"Man, I hope you bombed your midterms or something." You speak up flatly, a slightly better retort lingering at the tip of your tongue but you're far too tired to argue with him anyway. And not to mention, your previous statement is completely useless because if Hwang Hyunjin is that kid who works his ass off to get good grades then Jisung is the complete opposite of that. He can sleep through ten lectures and still get a minimum of 90% on his exams. The perks of being a prodigy since newborn, can't relate.

Jisung feigns a painful expression, scrunching his nose up in fake agony. "How supportive of you, so incredibly validating." He cocks his head upwards carelessly, giving you a full view of his side profile.

Okay. Despite his annoying personality and questionable nicknames for everyone then Han Jisung is kinda attractive. You get it, you get it, Hwang Hyunjin is attractive but this prick is another kind of attractive.

Whenever he screams his heart out at the mic on stage, there are literal silver and gold specks floating in his eyes like an explosion of stardust scattered across the whole universe. And the way he conveys his emotions into his lyrics to perform an entire song on stage is just tremendously remarkable. No wonder all the girls always come rushing in when J.One is on stage.

Wait, were you thinking about Han Jisung or J.One ? But no, Han Jisung is J.One. It's just that J.One is slightly cooler than Jisung because he doesn't pester people until they have a cardiac arrest. Whatever, your brain is already yelling for retirement.

"You are coming to watch my performance right ?" Jisung suddenly leans over, your noses almost touching. Being the idiotic person that you are, your body immediately locks itself in place, hissing slightly at the current proximity. Great, now what ?

"Ooh." A low whistle escapes his lips. "You were too busy checking me out. It's okay, that's understandable. Not everyone can have a close-up of J.One's out-of-this-world visual." He flips his imaginary long hair and you make a gagging noise.

"I was not !" You exclaim upon embarrassment, cheeks turning into a bright shade of coral. "There's just something in your teeth."

"Uh huh, I doubt it." Yeah, he would never buy that. Jisung smiles at you cheekily and once again, Han Jisung has proved that he's the kind of guy who has the particular type of smile that makes you want to knock their teeth out. Although you can't help but fall for it nonetheless. Very typical of you. "So, are you coming or nah ?"

Your heart tingles a bit, and you feel like you can just pass out right here right now on this stupid bus in the middle of this stupid conversation with his stupid boy and his stupid smile. "No, I have my midterms on Monday. Guess who's pulling all nighters again ?" You push his face away because if not, you might as well just explode and make a fool of yourself.

"Ahhhh, why not ?" Jisung whines as if there's no tomorrow. "It's not like you enjoy drowning yourself in Kang's 40 slides of 'History of Media 101' anyway." Now, for once in a fairly long time, the bastard finally said something that wasn't complete bullshit. And you're starting to reconsider your decision because although Han Jisung is undeniably insufferable, J.One can make it up with his dope performances. But then again, you really just don't want to see his face on Saturdays.

Suddenly he rolls himself over again, his lips drawing a devilish smile. You can tell already from the dangerous look in his eyes, it's not going to end well.

"Are you in for a bet ? If I win, you'll have to go. But if you win, I'll do whatever you want me to, for an entire week. You're basically the privileged one here, don't even deny it."

three.

Changbin wakes up from his long nap to find Chan having his eyes glued to the laptop's screen as if his life depends on it. It makes him wonder how long his friend has been working on the rearrangement of all their songs for this Saturday's music festival.

"I see that you're making quite the progress." He grunts slightly before sitting up straight. The small faux leather couch that their school has in the band practice room isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on. But after what seems like an eternity in the lecture hall, tolerating the professor's rant then Changbin wouldn't even mind sleeping on the floor.

Chan slowly peels his eyes away from the screen and blinks numerous times so that he won't potentially go blind. He looks over at Changbin's slouch figure on the couch, tapping away on his phone and smiles dumbly at some memes that Minho just DM-ed to their group chat.

"Damn right, I just finished chopping up the bits of back-up vocals. I feel like my back is so fragile that it might break in half if I stand up." He runs a hand through his mop of black hair that's nowhere near the definition of 'doable' and yawns into his other palm.

He peeks over his shoulder to see Hyunjin and Felix sleeping while leaning against the mirror, Minho laying on top of Jeongin as he chuckles creepily at his phone. And Woojin is too busy singing his heart out with his guitar in the corner to notice Seungmin capturing everyone in their greatest glory, meaning when they're all a hot mess.

Changbin swings his legs over and slips into his black Adidas slides, walking over to Chan in a sluggish manner. He crouches down a bit while squinting his eyes to take a proper look at the laptop screen. Chan indeed has finished most of it, no wonder he looks ( and probably smells ) like trash. "I'll give you a hand, just send these over to me after when you got home." He says, giving his friend a pat on his back.

"Yeah sure," Chan puts a hand over his mouth to cover up another yawn. "By the way, where the fuck is Jisung ? He hasn't been answering my texts all morning."

Changbin gives him an indifferent shrug. "He said he would be on campus all day on Thursdays since he has classes and work right after- hold on he's texting me."

[ 5:23pm ]

piece of shit : where are you guys ?

baby changbin : band room, clearly you never listened.

[ 5:24pm ]

piece of shit : yeesh, I was busy you ass. texting y/n and all.

baby changbin : it was fucking 3a.m. !

[ 5:25pm ]

piece of shit : whatever, we'll be there in two.

He pauses for a while and lets the words sink in. Why "we" and not "I" ? Since when this was a plural thing ? Did all of those lectures and serving sleep-deprived students fuck up his brain cells ?

Wow, now Changbin feels bold to assume that Han Jisung even own brain cells. And before he can show the texts to the rest of his friends to make fun of Jisung while he's not here, the glass door swings open. Hyunjin and Felix jolt up in surprise at the same time, almost bumping their heads together at the creaking sound.

"We got you kids boba, wake up wake up hurry hurry SCHNELL !" Jisung screeches loudly when he pushes himself through the front door, accidentally making you bump your forehead into the dull glass surface.

You follows him inside with a big scowl on your face, quickly passing Changbin the plastic bags. Yes, you can hear the polar bears crying in the distance loud and clear but unluckily you only have two hands for ten cups of boba.

"Why boba all of a sudden ?" Minho looks up from his phone in boredom as Jeongin is utterly dying underneath, slapping his palm repeatedly against the floor in exhaustion.

Minho feels ( kinda ) bad for him and decides to roll himself over, setting Jeongin free from his miserable state. "Did you two go on a date or something ?" The youngest one's features morph into a frown, eyeing the two up and down in caution when he crosses his legs together.

You make an unimpressed face and glares at Jisung, who's currently hogging the entire black couch on his own. "Who the fuck would make their date carry everything then ? You tell me Jeongin."

Woojin stands up after craning his neck and shakes his head in disapproval. "My greatest disappointment, Han Jisung, would do that unfortunately." He walks over to Felix and Hyunjin to get himself a cup from the bag.

"Let's be honest, you'd still date him even if he does that anyway. I haven never seen any other girl who has the courage to personally rummage through his disastrous closet just to steal a hoodie." He takes a sip and smirks at the black hoodie that you're wearing. Woojin thinks you should definitely give yourself more credit because personally, he can't be bothered to step into Jisung's room, much less his closet.

You're still slightly confused for a moment there but quickly look down and almost gasp in realization. "I can explain—"

"Don't worry Y/N, if he ever mistreats you, you best believe that he's not gonna see tomorrow's daylight." Felix supplies unhelpfully over a mouthful of boba. Since when did he become such a nuisance ? But he's not entirely wrong because if no one volunteers to skin Jisung alive when he leaves you with a broken heart then Hyunjin will literally disown him. He doesn't care if it's legal or not because even a law student like Woojin would be on his side in this.

You hold up your hand defeatedly. "The jerk purposely left it on my couch back at the apartment. And Hyunjin didn't want to return nor wash it so I was obligated to do that myself. Eventually, the hoodie just ended up on a hanger right behind my bedroom door. Not to mention, I was running late earlier and had nothing to wear." You finish your sentence, realizing that your roommate has been giving you a 'wtf' face all his time.

"Out of reasons already ?" Chan chirps, raising a dark brow.

Okay.

In your defense, it's a goddamn good hoodie. The material is actually really nice that you might accidentally fall asleep if you wear this to class. You didn't mind the design on it either, kinda boyish but very funky, almost hippie looking. And last but not least, the smell of it is intoxicating, leaving you yearning for more. That's also equivalent to Jisung smells nice ( ew ) and your cheeks automatically heat up at the thought of feeling like he's hugging you whenever you wear it.

You frantically try to explain with expressive hands. "Look, guys—"

"You're going this Saturday !!" Jisung's voice suddenly booms behind your back as he declares loudly like it's the most worth-knowing thing in the whole wide world. The guys trade confused look with each other, not knowing what nonsense their friend is babbling about. Whatever, they don't have to either way. "You're going, you're going, you're going !"

You look over at Hyunjin's cup in disbelief, completely full and untouched. Meanwhile, Felix has already finished his drink in between the 15-minute conversation. You blinks and quickly comprehends the new amount of information, you lost the bet. Which means...

Screw midterms.

four.

Screw the music festival, you’re not going anywhere.

“How’s this ?” Hyunjin steps out from his room with a white dress shirt tucked inside his skinny jeans. And you hate him even more now because your roommate looks totally #boyfriendmaterial in every outfit that he’s been trying for the past half an hour. Really, Hyunjin should give himself more credit for his looks because you bet girls would still throw themselves at him even if he showed up to school looking homeless and all.

You look up from your phone in boredom. “Looks good to me.”

Upon your flat reply, Hyunjin shoots you a glare. “Good ? It only stops there at ‘good’ ? Then which item in my closet appeals to you as ‘spectacular’ or ‘breathtaking’ ? Should I just hire a personal stylist or something ?” He wants to snap at you but ends up whining like a elementary school kid that’s not allowed to drink his favorite soda from the vending machine.

“Dude, eat a chill pill.” You frown slightly at his particularly dramatic ass ( tsk, drama majors ) and decide to put your phone down. “You’re going to a music festival, at uni. Not attending some kind of award shows for celebrities.”

Hyunjin snickers before clicking his tongue. “And you’re planning on wearing that ?”

Your roommate is stressing himself over being overdressed for an event. You, on the other hand, haven’t even made up your mind about an outfit yet and your plus-one is picking you up in less than 30 minutes. And you’re still here, on the couch, in your pyjamas. Call it madness but personally, you wouldn’t mind wearing this to the music festival. Music is technically art in some kind of shape or form and only uncultured swines judge those who prefer being comfy over fashionable.

Come on, it’s art. Your pyjamas can express yourself in some sort of way right ?

“Stop shitting on my Mickey Mouse sweatpants as if it’s something straight out of the 1910s.” You protest, urging to throw the jar filled with gummy bear on the coffee table at his precious face. Mickey is definitely not going anywhere since you guys have been bonding since middle school.

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of his track going back into his room. Suddenly he turns around and smiles at you creepily. “It’s Jisung, isn’t it ?”

Yeah, no. Most definitely not. Still not him. Nuh uh. Okay… Maybe it’s because you don’t want to embarrass your plus-one because he’s also a total heartthrob. Maybe, it could be something about the fact that you’re afraid you’re not gonna look as good as your roommate. Or maybe it’s something inside the can of Redbull that you downed last night while rewatching the last episode of ‘Goblin’. You don’t even like Redbull.

Shit, you’re running out of excuses already.

“Actually, I was thinking that it’d be better if I didn’t show up.” You confess timidly, scared to meet Hyunjin’s confused expression.

When you gather enough courage to look up, he looks absolutely unimpressed and partially disappointed. “And you’re just gonna rain-check on Choi Yeonjun like that ? Changbin’s not letting this slide, I’ll tell you that.” He shakes his head in disapproval, this time turning on his heels to walk towards his bedroom door.

Something inside your stomach is tickling, as if it’s trying to tell you that you’re about to commit some kind of unforgivable sin if you don’t go to the festival. And just when you’re about to ignore it and wrap yourself up warmly on the L-shaped couch like the lazy bum that you are, your phone buzzes.

[ 4:24pm ]

yeonjun | I’ll be there in five.

five.

Only losers go to a music festival without a plus-one.

Hyunjin is one lucky bastard because Seungmin is tolerating his ass for the day. Meanwhile, Woojin is too busy pestering Felix to let him sneak into backstage looking for Changbin. And by now, everyone probably knows that Minho is secretly obsessed with Jeongin since he's decided to stick himself to the youngest like the spoiled parasite that he is. But that's not the point. Point is : you're terrible at navigation so you're obligated to get yourself a plus-one.

And he just happens to be Choi Yeonjun, that one business major who's secretly a dancer that left everyone's wig flying to Africa during last year's prom. You two have walked past each other before between periods and since he's an acquaintance of Changbin, he'd always wave back at you with the sweetest smile. You see him as a fun person to be around, kinda like a sunshine.

But what you didn't know is that, if your group of friend's chaotic energy is 3000, then Yeonjun alone is already on another level.

"Why the long face Y/N ? Enjoy the music, relax, let the night set you free !" Yeonjun chuckles at the frown on your face as he swings an arm over your shoulder. You can already tell that he's getting a bit tipsy from his tinted red cheeks and his breath smells like beer. Never knew the guy couldn't go heavy with his alcohol. Much like your roommate himself.

You peel the red plastic cup away from his hand to abandon it on some random table, dragging him away from the bar before his friend - Beomgyu, offers him some kind of sketchy looking drink. The kid is only a freshman and you feel like you should strangle the person who permitted him to be the bartender for the night.

"Alright, that's enough beer for you." You tell him mild-seriously, partially because you don't want him to end up knocked out in the middle of nowhere and partially because you can't contain someone who's drunk, not even yourself. "Let's find Soobin, I bet he's running around campus looking for your ass."

"What do you mean he's looking for my ass ? He's at home playing stupid boardgames with stupid Taehyun." Yeonjun slurs, shaking the haziness away furiously before fluttering his eyes upwards. "Look !" He squeals a little bit too loudly for anyone's liking. "It's your boyfriend !"

You abruptly put your index finger on his lips. "Shh shhh ! Han Jisung is not my boyfriend ! Watch your mouth, please, I beg." You hush him and glance around to look for any signs of Hyunjin or Felix popping out from a random bush to make fun of you. "We're barely friends, why would you think that we're dating ?!" You cry dramatically, cheeks burning with a bright shade of pink.

The blue haired boy makes a thinking face, which you think it's undeniably cute, before pointing towards the stage. "Because he's looking at you ?" He says cluelessly, giggling while clapping happily like a seal.

You unconsciously lift your head to eye the stage. Time seems to stop when you realize Jisung has been staring at you all this time. His expression is unfathomable. Your heart starts thundering loudly inside your rib cage, so loud that it overcomes the loud EDM music in the background, so loud that you're afraid he might hear it even when he's so far away.

In this light, in the middle of your chaos, there is Jisung. And he's absolutely otherworldly, radiant, dazzling, coruscating. Gosh, you can go on forever if your brain cells allow you to.

The moment he breaks eye contact, that's when you're pondering over who is it that your heart is beating for. Han Jisung ? Or is it just J.One ? Because you've seen Jisung as a total pest who never takes things seriously, who always makes you pay an extra ticket for his ride to uni, who spontaneously sends you derp pictures of him in the middle of a lecture. But no matter where you go, he would constantly pop up inside your mind out of nowhere. Like a phantom.

Suddenly, Chan's voice booms through the speaker, making you jump. "The performance of 3racha will be delayed due to technical errors. We apologize for this inconvenience." You stand there dumbly, blinking numerous times for his words to sink in. The question here isn't really 'what?' but 'why?'. 3racha take music very seriously and they're not the type to slack off any performances even if it's just for a school's small event.

You snap your head back to the stage, Chan and Changbin are talking to a technical staff, an apologetic smile blooming on their faces. But wait, where the fuck is Jisung ?

"Told ya !" Yeonjun hiccups into your ear. "What kind of non-boyfriend will cancel a performance just to come and see you like this ?" You should have gone with Hyunjin, you really should.. You bet he's not even half as drunk a Yeonjun right now since all Seungmin drinks is kombucha.

Unexpectedly, and also expectedly, you find yourself staring at Jisung, who's speed-walking towards your direction, like a complete dumbass. There's fire flickering at the back of his irises, burning intensely onto you. His brows are knitted together, his jacket hanging slightly over his shoulder, teasing you with a flash of his biceps. You also notice how the microphone is still there, in his hand.

Did he fucking leave the stage just to see you ?

Jisung breathes out a puff of smoke from the chilly air. "Y/N, got you."

Your heart actually feels like it’s hanging on the edges when your name rolls off his tongue so tenderly. "And you are ?" He looks over at Yeonjun with an almost disgusted expression, his hand instinctively reaching for yours. You don't blame him either way because Yeonjun looks like he just made it out of one of the world's most traumatizing lunatic asylum with shitty security. And Jisung wouldn't let you walk around with a crazy guy attached to you like a total creep. Not when he's monitoring.

“Y/N’s plus-one ?”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Yeonjun holds his hands up as if he's being held at gunpoint. "Easy, dude, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. She's all yours." He laughs, sounding almost too nervous to be true because Jisung is somewhat scary whenever someone gets on his bad side. Just ask Highschool Hyunjin.

"You're wasted as fuck, what makes you think that I'll let you go home alone like this ?" You say, flinching slightly when you feel Jisung tightens his grip on your hand. He cocks a brow as if he's testing you.

"Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna swing by the bar, Beomgyu probably came up with something to knock me out." Without a proper goodbye nor a hug like his normally playful self usually does, the blue haired boy turns on his heels to walk away from the scene. And you exhale deeply out of relief, not because you hated Yeonjun's company, you might actually hang out with him again. Just not where there's alcohol.

Jisung still hasn't let go of your hand yet, and surprisingly, you don't want him to. "I take that as you two aren't dating ?" He questions, studying your features more closely. You're really pretty, he thinks. Jisung has never once hesitant about using the word 'pretty' for you and he's not afraid to show it either. It's just that you never bothered to notice.

"No ? Hyunjin decided to ditch me for Seungmin and Yeonjun's a mutual friend through Changbin so we texted, and he picked me up after when Hyunjin left." You give him a weird look, confused by how pissed off he looks right now. "And I take that as you're jealous ?"

Jisung laughs humorously, his voice doused in dry sarcasm. "Huh, funny. Last time I checked, you were supposed to be backstage with me since you lost the bet, not clinging yourself onto some hot guy from Changbin's Biochem 101." Of course Jisung is pissed off. How could he not when you're all smiling and laughing with another guy, when he has an arm over your shoulder, holding you so lovingly, so tightly ? Another guy that's not him.

You widen your eyes at how ridiculous he sounds, almost in disbelief. "Excuse you ? Since when 'being backstage with you' was even a thing in our bet ?" Yeah, completely unheard of. "And I was not clinging onto him, I'll have you know that he chugged on a bottle of Hennie and ended up wobbling around like a fucking toddler !"

Your voice is getting louder and louder by the second, chest heaving up and down in anger because he is in fact, being extra insufferable tonight. You haven’t seen him acting like this since he officially declared cold war with Hyunjin back in junior year highschool.

"Oh yeah ? Then what ? You liked that ? It makes me sick to the stomach seeing you giggling at one of his stupid jokes. You seemed so fucking comfortable even when he's this close ?" Jisung tugs in your arm to pull you closer, his cool breath fanning your forehead. Your cheeks unknowingly feel hot, but you're not going to admit it to his face. "You're completely okay with this ?"

You grimace a stiff smile. "Of course I am." Oh boy were you wrong.

"Even now ?" He places his hands over your shoulder to bend down, angling his face so that the tip of his nose is brushing over yours. His gaze pierces right through you, leaving you completely stripped and vulnerable. And you hate every single part of this. You hate how you heart is swelling, how his touches burn like fire, how much effect he has on you with such minimal effort.

Jisung says with a devilish smirk blooming on his lips. "Hmm ? I don't know Y/N, you look pretty burnt up to me."

"It's because of the heat—" You instantly regret what you said when it starts to rain. Droplets of water repeatedly tap against your skin like clear champagne. A cloud shadows over you two and another splatter of rain comes along. Goosebumps rise on your skin at the cool sensation as your limbs lock themselves in place. Jisung has never broken eye contact with yours since then, specks of good and silver floating in his eyes like a brilliant explosion of a supernova.

Just when you thought your lips was gonna collide, something unexpected happens. Jisung takes off his jacket and swings it over your shoulders. He gently holds you by the waist as he hurries you inside, your gaze never once leaves his features. He's saying something but you can't quite catch it, it's hard to concentrate when he's being all affectionate and sweet to you like this.

You are far too busy telling your heart not to explode.

six.

Felix stomps over to your table and slams his tray of food down aggressively. Everyone peels their eyes off what they’re doing for the time being, throwing a weird look towards him. With a satisfied smile on his face, Felix drops his notebook onto the table. Changbin glances at him with an expressionless face, almost yawned in boredom. “And how did it go again ?” He drawls tiredly as if he has heard the same joke over and over for an entire week.

“You know that feeling when you feel like you’re completely detached from your own body and just stare at yourself from above ? I was up there, mind blank while my mouth couldn’t stop blabbering about what ever the fuck was on those slides. I ditched my Flashcards, completely untouched, 5 minutes has never flown by so quick. Boom, the professor didn’t even think twice about giving me an A.” Felix leans back on his chair comfortably after wrapping up his story.

Seungmin scrunches his nose at his friend. “Yeah sure, it’s an A. Big fucking deal.” Kim Seungmin basically has a full scholarship straight to college in the middle of his senior highschool year, you can say that he has the right to be unimpressed.

Minho shrugs indifferently, scrolling through his feed to kill some time. “It is for Yongbok apparently, give him a break. You know he hardly gets any when his brain only consists of Seo Changbin and Fortnite.”

Felix hisses at the older boy like a cat when you accidentally step on its tail, threatening to gouge out one of his eyes with the plastic fork on his hand. Minho being on his ass 24/7 just makes college that much more of a hellhole. He can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance because no one is even trying to spare a ‘Good job’ or ‘Good for you’. He might actually need new friends, Felix ponders.

But wait, something’s missing.

Jisung didn’t even try to make fun of him. And he never missed a single chance to pester him or call him out every time he’s all giddy over good grades. In other words, his secret life as a potential nerd has been foiled thanks to Han Jisung. But apparently, girls find it hot when a nerd is secretly a dancer.

He looks over to his friend and frowns furiously. A hood thrown over his head, eyes glued to his laptop screen, Jisung looks extra antisocial today and Felix can feel something’s off because he would be jumping around, yelling into your ears by now, not making a PowerPoint presentation. “What’s wrong with you two ?” He asks, noticing how you’re also acting strange.

You’re mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, and stop abruptly at a new post from @j.one. It’s a picture of Jisung grinning while gripping on a microphone followed by a caption “Always have so much fun performing w/ my bros, @spearB & @cb97 - photo by @princehwang #SocialSaturday”.

You almost snickered, feeling the need to change it into “#TBT”. Not only because this photo was taken months ago for a summer music festival nearby Uni, but also because this bright side of Han Jisung no longer exists. He hardly talked to you since Saturday, ignored you when you made eye-contact with him on the hallways, didn’t even ask you to pay for his ride.

Basically, he’s making a fuss out of nothing. But you wouldn’t say that it feels good not having him call you ‘little cub’ 50 times a day or send you random messages during a lecture like ‘go out with me ?’. You never take them seriously anyway because he can’t like you just like that, right ? “Ask him, not me.” You raise a brow towards Jisung, earning a glare from him as a reply. “I’m not the one who’s being petty over me going to a music festival with Choi Yeonjun.”

Jisung sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop close. “Is that all you got ?” He inquires sarcastically as if he’s gonna set you on fire if you dare to try him.

“That’s what I said the first time we played Mario Kart together, isn’t it ? I totally kicked your ass, to the curb.”  You protest as the blood running through your veins slowly boils. If it weren’t for Hyunjin to hold your shoulders in place, you would have thrown hands at Jisung.

Jisung slams his hands onto the surface of the table harshly, almost knocked the whole table over. “Yeah, that’s why Chan never lets you drive because you’re exactly the reason for all of our wild turbulence. Because you suck at driving !”

You feel like you’re being held in a chokehold, literally and metaphorically because you can’t even drag Jisung down to the very bottom of Hell when you’re fully capable of doing that. Not before you kill him with your bare hands.

“I mean one of us had to have the guts to drive everyone back after a party where y’all got fucking wasted. College parties are so lit, they say. Who the fuck does three keg stands in a row just to run around the neighborhood shirtless later on ?!” You clatter loudly, earning a ‘wtf’ look from the students at the opposite table.

“Who wants another milkshake ? It’s on me.” Woojin interrupts the two of you, already pulling out his wallet in a rush.

Jisung’s ears automatically turn red, and you smirk at the sight of his pink cheeks upon both embarrassment and anger. “What did you just say ?”

“Ten milkshakes it is.” Chan drags Woojin out of his seat and the two of them helplessly walk towards the canteen cashier from across your table. He’s already given up, you can tell. Because if not, he would just personally hang Jisung upside down on a tree ( his natural habitat ) so that he can cool down before he said something he’d definitely regret later.

You push Hyunjin away and stand up right, staring at Jisung dead in the eye. “What’s wrong ? Cat got your tongue ?” Are you finally getting back at him ? Is this how victory taste like ?

“Say that again and I’m gonna— ugh ! Christ, I hate you !” Jisung sounds like he’s on the verge of exploding and you’re absolutely enjoying every single moment of this.

You mock him in amusement. “You’re gonna what ?”

“I’m gonna fucking kiss—“

Before Jisung could finish his sentence, Minho pulls his friend backwards and Jisung once again lands on his bottom, onto the wooden bench. “Okay, I don’t wanna ruin the heat but at least spare some of your sanity for the sake of publicity, yeah ? You know, if you guys wanna make out that bad, there’s always a restroom.”

Sanity ? For the sake of publicity ? Well, that changes everything. “WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUT LEE MINHO YOU FUCKING BASTARD ! DON’T MAKE ME KNOCK KNOCK UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH-“ You’ve come to a decision that if Han Jisung doesn’t end up somewhere six feet under the ground, then Lee Minho - aka his best friend - is taking his bullet for today.

“Woah woah, Y/N, easy girl, easy.” Hyunjin holds you back with both hands. Okay, he gets why Jeongin doesn’t want to come over whenever you and Jisung are breathing in the same room now.

Jeongin scrunches his nose as he obnoxiously chews on his tuna sandwich. “Yeah, you guys need to cool down a little bit. You know, just chill out. That’s enough for your ‘friendly banter’, let the others enjoy their lunch in peace, will you ?”

You and Jisung continuously give each other death stares for the rest of your lunch break. Even when Chan and Woojin come rushing back with five cups of milkshakes each, even when it’s your favorite flavor in the entire world, it can never put out the fire of wrath that’s burning furiously deep inside. All you want to do is to have Han Jisung down on his knees and beg you for his life like how King Stefan did to Maleficent. The only difference is that Jisung actually doesn’t have a daughter.

Is that too much to ask for ?

seven.

[ 2:35pm ]

yeonjun | hey, I need to talk to you…

yeonjun | nearby café after school ? I can just wait if you’re getting out late.

You read the message on your way out of the lecture hall and widen your eyes. The hour displayed on your screen reads ‘3:45pm’. You immediately push your way through the crowd of sweaty students and run down the hallway like a psychopath. God, Yeonjun has been sitting alone at the café like a complete fool just because of you. Now you feel like a terrible human being.

“Woah, where are you going in such a hurry ?” Hyunjin yells at you loudly when you brush past him and Jeongin.

You hastily shout back at him before continuing to run. “Don’t wait for me ! Just spare me some left over !”

When you arrive at the café, you feel like you should give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you don't think you’ve ever run that fast before in your entire life. Not even for the marathon competitions during middle school.

And the café looks somewhat different today, something smells weird too, you notice. Then you realize that they just repainted the whole thing, replacing the old teal blue color into a warmer brownish color. The walls and windows are decorated with fairy lights, like a cherry on a sundae, it’s perfect for the upcoming winter break. Because students aren’t just gonna come here for the caffeine, they’re gonna hog this place for themselves sooner or later to get at least one aesthetic photo for the holiday.

You quickly spot Yeonjun sitting alone in the color while having his headphones on, slowly dozing off to the music. His cup of iced macchiato remains untouched with water dipping on the sides. A pang of guilt hits you almost instantly when you start walking towards his direction. As you sit down on the opposite seat, Yeonjun suddenly startles and shakes his sleepiness away.

“Hey, I’m so sorry, my phone was off all day.” You say with an apologetic smile on your face, feeling the guilt keeps piling onto your shoulders. “You could just leave or something, I wouldn’t be mad.”

Yeonjun removes his headphones and laughs slightly, scratching the nape of his neck. “It’s fine,” He waves his hands at you to tell you that everything’s okay. “I really need that short nap after all. God, I was dreading my neuroscience assignment all day. But hey, I really need to talk to you, that’s why I was so determined to wait.”

“Don’t even, Yeonjun. You could have just gone home and rest.” You shake your head at him in defeat. You swear to God, he’s too kind. “What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me so badly ?” You ask while flipping through the menu. The weather has been pretty chilly lately, it might be nice to have a hot chocolate.

Yeonjun’s ears turn red at your words and he starts to dart his eyes around, scared to meet your eyes. “I— uhm, look, I just—“ He stammers with tinted pink cheeks, which you find ridiculously adorable. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on Saturday.” He manages to squeak out and you have to hold back the urge to laugh. “I shouldn't have drunk that much beer, right ? You should feel lucky that I left you with your boyfriend because I may or may not have thrown up all over Beomgyu. He almost kicked me off a cliff, I’m not overexaggerating, I swear.”

That’s not true. Yeonjun should be the one who needs to feel lucky because not only didn’t Beomgyu leave him on some random sidewalks, he personally called Taehyun to bring him extra clothes and had an Uber to get them three back home before midnight. He knows Beomgyu is too utterly soft for him to murder him in his sleep anyway.

You smile at him before waving the waiter boy over to punch in your order. “Choi Yeonjun, it’s fine, really. You’re so much fun to hang around. But next time, no more beer for you, get it ?” Upon your teasing, he lets out a nervous chuckle. And little did you know, he’s planning on telling you something much, much more horrendous. “And how many times do I need to tell you that Jisung is not my boyfriend ?”

“Just not yet.” He corrects you, and you’re stuck between the ideas of strangling Han Jisung and throwing Choi Yeonjun off a cliff. Or maybe both. “You guys caused quite the scene during lunch break. You two bickered like an old married couple. Not to mention, you’ve probably ended up on everyone’s social medial by now.”

Your eyes widen in terror. A tape of you, and Han Jisung yelling at each other at the top of your lungs is on the Internet. Since a young age, you’ve come to realize that nothing on the internet ever really goes away. And that thought scares you shitless. Great, now everyone will think of you two as that one loud couple who always argue over stupid things. “I’m so fucking screwed— give me a sec, someone’s texting me.”

[ 4:12 pm ]

han | where are you ?

y/n | why would that matter ?

han | you’re on a date right ? with him.

y/n | han jisung are you watching me ? wtf you creep !?

[ 4:13pm ]

han | do you like him ?

han | just answer me honestly for once.

y/n | so you ARE jealous. hah, busted.

But wait, why would he be jealous ? That makes no sense.

[ 4:14pm ]

han | so what if i’m jealous ?

Your heart stops as a small ‘huh?’ escapes your lips. Yeonjun looks at you with a confused expression, almost develops a mild interest in what made you so flustered. But he guessed it either way because it’s too obvious who’s the only person that has this kind of effect on you.

han | i was the one who asked you out first, it’s not fair !

y/n | ...

y/n | hey, are you drunk ?

[ 4:15pm ]

han | i’m as sober as i can be, enjoy your pretty little date y/n.

When everything’s already a mess, when you’re at a loss for words, Hyunjin’s abrupt call is something else more than just fuel to the fire. “Y/N ! Have you seen Jisung ?” Your roommate sounds alarmed on the other end and your stomach automatically twists into a knot.

“No, I haven’t seen him since lunch… why ?” The uneasy feeling has been ghosting your gut since you received the questionable texts from Jisung, and you’re afraid to hear what Hyunjin’s gonna say next. “What’s wrong ? What happened to him ?” You bombard him with questions after questions, fiddling your fingers nervously in fear.

Yeonjun quickly senses something’s off and reaches his hand outwards. He places his hand over yours gently, rubbing little circles to remind you to calm down. There are a thousand bad scenarios running through your mind like lightning of what could have happened to Jisung. What if he’s about to do something stupid ? What if he’s hurting, and no one ever asked ? What if… it’s all because of you ?

“Hyunjin, just fucking answer me !” You almost snapped, finding the silence on the other line extremely disturbing.

He replies breathlessly, as if he’s already given up. “He’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone ?” You can’t believe your own ears at this point.

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have a mental breakdown. “Changbin said he hadn’t been home when his shift was supposed to end at 3. Chan said he wasn’t on campus either, nor the band room. We’ve checked everywhere, not his house, not the usual boba place, not even his favorite get-away spots. He ran away, Y/N, no one knows why. And I’m scared..” Your heart instantly drops to the pit of your stomach.

Not even his favorite get-away spots.. We’ve checked everywhere.

But Jisung would never tell them about all of his get-away spots.

eight.

Jisung unlocks his phone and sees several missed calls from his group of friends along with endless texts but his eyes only linger on some particular ones.

[ 7:23pm ]

y/n | can we just talk this out ?

y/n | this is so fucking childish of you.

y/n | I don’t care if you want to kick me out of your life.

y/n | I’m coming for you.

Jisung doesn’t know whether he should be crying or laughing. Basically, he’s emotionally restrained.

Because apparently, life is preposterous. One moment you’re laughing while being pissed off when he annoys the heck out of you. Then later you would ditch him to have yourself wrapped around another guy’s arms. Hours ago, you were on the edge of pushing his limits into the unknown and now you’re being all concerned and worried about him. He feels mildly exasperated partially because you’re playing with his heart, and partially because he allows you to do that.

He has been watching you from behind all this time. He always has so much on his mind that keeps him awake at nights but never really knows how to convey his feelings for you into words. Maybe that’s why J.One can only write love songs in vain. So being the genius person that he is, he thought ( and still think ) that the only way to approach you was to make fun of you. He can only call you questionable nicknames all day because he doesn’t have the heart to actually call you ‘babe’ in a genuine way. He would always end up spitting out something less than appropriate or stick his nose into your business because he can never fathom the courage to say a simple ‘I love you’. Yes, Jisung knows that he’s a coward for making such excuses but the thought of putting his heart into someone else’s hand scares him shitless. Not that he has never gone through a heartbreak before but the scars never really go away.

Honestly, Jisung has never thought that he would end up liking you this much. He still vividly remembers the day that you two met for the first time. It was freshman year highschool, he got signed up for a role in the drama club at the time being thanks to Hyunjin and suddenly he saw you sitting alone in a corner, struggling over a piece of prop for the set. 

Even when it’s the awkward phase, you took his breath right away like ‘whoosh’, leaving him utterly speechless when your eyes collide.  From then on, you’re the ‘nothing’ that people ask him about whenever he looks like he’s spacing out. You’re the only thing that keeps lingering in his mind, impossible to forget. He finally understands why people are always so giddy about their crush because once you like someone, everything changes. Like how your smile seems to be even brighter than the Sun, how your goofy laugh feels like music to his ears, or how every little thing that you do affects him way too damn much. Woah, he understands why his group of friends said that he’s so whipped for you now.

Jisung doesn’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. He really doesn’t. He hates how you keep switching between ‘the Y/N who hates Jisung with passion’ and ‘the Y/N who genuinely worries about Jisung’. It drives him nuts not knowing how you really feel about him. Jisung swipes his index finger upwards and presses the ‘Airplane Mode’ button from the Control Center settings. He can’t afford having Chan or Minho screaming directly at his ears after when he ran away like that. Maybe he is childish after all.

“Han Jisung !”

Jisung snaps his head backwards to find you standing there, disheveled hair, hands supporting on your knees with a glint of fierceness in your eyes. With the dim source of light from the Moon, you’re glowing under all of the sentimental glory that leaves him completely flustered. He’s really predictable, he thinks. Of course you’d know that he would end up choosing the park where he used to hang out with Seungmin since kindergarten. It’s also where he bawled his eyes out after his first breakup, having you rub little circles on his back and tell him that everything’s gonna be alright.

“What are you doing here ?” He asks soullessly although his heart his yelling at him to fall into your embrace.

“I told you, didn’t I ?” You say, breaths growing more even by the seconds. “I’m coming for you, I don’t care if you’re gonna kick me out of your life because I’m not allowing that.”

Jisung snickers, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “You rain-checked on Choi Yeonjun just like that ? Aren’t you afraid that he’s gonna break up with you tomorrow after finding you that you’re rummaging through the entire city to look for me, an absolute bastard who never leaves well enough alone ?”

You shoot him a stern look, brows slightly furrowed. “You didn’t let me finish, how rude. I’m trying to prove a point, don’t you see ? If I really didn’t give two fucks about you then why would I be here ? If I was really dating Choi Yeonjun then I could have just stayed at home and cuddled with him until Hyunjin kicked him out of our apartment. It’s been almost three hours, Jisung. Three fucking hours. I was running from place to place like a psychopath, got lost on some random streets, just to find you. Yes, just for you.”

He squints his eyes at you skeptically. “And your point is ?”

“I care about you.” You don’t even need to consider anything at this point and that has Jisung’s jaw dropped to the ground. “I could never hate you, even if I do, I can’t hate you for the rest of my life for my own good. Even when you call me ‘little cub’ fifty times a day, even when you make me pay for your ride, even when we almost threw hands at each other during lunch break, my feelings for you never change. Not even one bit.” You state confidently, taking long strides towards him.

Jisung looks at you with a blank expression, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I don’t know Y/N. You’re a fucking hot mess. For all I know, you second-guessed most of your decisions in life. What if you decided to pull—“ That’s it, you’re not enduring his ‘what if’-s bullshit any longer.

Without a word, you grab Jisung by the collar and pull him flush against you. When your lips collide with his, it feels like you’re being sent to the Moon and back continuously. Sparks of joy, lust, and mixed emotions ignite inside his heart when you trace your tongue over his then it explodes like a firework that lights up the eerie darkness effortlessly. Jisung slowly gives in and melts into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist to hold you closer, feeling your warmth radiating off on his flannels. You’re the first one to pull away, hands trailing behind the nape of his neck.  “I can say that giving away my first kiss is enough to prove that the only thing I’ve never second-guessed was liking you.” You say breathlessly, trying to ignore the rouge on your cheeks. 

“I am your first kiss ?” He widens his eyes slightly.

You scoff at him while trying to act casual. “Be grateful at least you brat.” Jisung chuckles softly at you, slightly taken aback at your bold action as the feeling of your lips on his chills him to the bones. “Point taken.” At that moment, you quickly realize how his warm brown eyes hold their own galaxy with the stars shining so brightly that makes your heart swell. At that moment, you also realize that Jisung is your Sun because his smile alone can light up the whole celestial sphere. Meanwhile you’re his Moon because no matter what happens, you’ll always be here to brighten him up on the darkest of days.

And you both know that as long as you have each other, you will forever be radiant.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you're doing great, so this is going to be long because I’m really in need for help. I’m an INFJ, raised by an abusive passive aggressive father and an INFJ mother who was mistreated and abused a lot, my Fe was very underdeveloped and I used to be a funny guy without having self-care for my image, now after having a crush and seeing my blind spots I see that my reputation isn’t the best and people take advantage of me, I have good friends but none I chose deliberately, I also used to be bullied at middle school and this is where my Se Grip I guess, my Fe is being developed and I’m reading about emotional intelligence but I’m still naïve and ignore subtle signs that other people are using me, and I always fall for the same trap although I have set goals, but I don’t know how to respect myself, I dwell in my mistakes, I can’t respect time and can’t take life seriously. 

I guess it is somewhat of trauma response like Chandler from friends, I try to be funny even when people disrespect me, my crush had a boyfriend who treated me passive aggressively and bullied me, at that time I wanted to give a response but I couldn’t, in each situation I felt trapped, I felt unable to react, I felt under threat, my heart is weak and I get these small anxiety attacks, I’m anxious about getting out in the world, each time I’m overwhelmed with tasks I feel guilty and not being able to finish them, to give more context, I became responsible of my family two years ago, and this feels like a burden, and suddenly Fe started developing, I have religious background and was part of a religious group but now I’m no longer that person and I don’t feel belonging anywhere, I tried to fit In different groups but none felt real, my friends don’t have the time for me and I became very cynical of death and my experiences to the point that I share everything about myself, I’m too clingy, and I overshare everything as a defense mechanism which started after developing feeling towards my crush and telling a friend about it. I need a friend to walk properly on the streets, my self confidence is no longer part of myself because I’m having an identity crisis, I feel guilty and see all my mistakes and each time something triggers one of those mistakes I feel even more anxious, I’m trying to get out more but with no use. 

I’m trying to rebuild myself by focusing on my goals, but its not enough, I guess I need hibernating time in my home to build better work skills and focus on my job more. My friends do not see what I see, except for an INTP, but he is unreliable for social situations but sometimes gives advice that I disagree with and I follow because I respect him a lot, he is like a brother, but his social tips led me to disastrous things, I’m not complaining, but I’m seeking to understand my own behavior. I have shared some of my experiences on social media, and then deleted them, some people used that to mock me and cyber bully me, I don’t know how to get over feeling exposed, I want to live, but not that interested, yet I’m not suicidal, in fact I’m rational and have some basic understanding of myself, but I want to move on from that, and I keep making social mistakes

___________________________

To summarize: You are lost because you have not been able to respect yourself and balance your own needs with your obligations to the world - a sign of Fe overindulgence. Lack of proper self-care has produced unhappiness, but you have not chosen the right paths to remedying the unhappiness, which only makes it worse. Then you got trapped in Ti loop rumination, trying to "make sense" of your feelings from a distance, exacerbating emotional dysfunction. All you have now is a head full of negative and anxious intrusive thoughts that worsen as your emotions are left to escalate unresolved. When you lose connection to Ni, you lose the ability for nuanced thinking, so your thoughts become more and more extreme, as Se grip sets in. Is that about right?

You shouldn't blame yourself for other people's bad behavior. Trust is required for healthy relationships. It is not your fault for trusting people, rather, it is their fault for betraying your trust. No one should take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability. It is not a crime to love and you should not feel ashamed about having emotional needs. If you are ashamed of needing love, then you may have a self-worth problem. Do you believe that you are deserving of love? 

Ni development is meant to help you fulfill your personal potential, such that you have something to feel proud of and something to contribute. The dominant function is the ideal route to self-respect. When you don't have yourself and your life in order via healthy Ni development, you won't be able to have healthy relationships for developing Fe. When you approach relationships from a place of desperation, you not only end up using people as a means to fill your deficits, you also make it too easy for people to take advantage of you.

It’s not your fault when people mistreat you, but it is your responsibility to put in place some reasonable protections from exploitation and abuse, which goes back to the vital point of practicing proper self-care. This requires learning how to set healthy boundaries when you're navigating relationships or putting yourself out there in society. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. You have to know how to spot callous people and avoid them. And you have to learn to be a better judge of the right time and place to express yourself honestly.

A relationship is a two-way street. It should be mutually satisfying and mutual beneficial. This means that self-disclosure should occur at a gradual and mutually respectful pace. Only by opening up bit by bit can a relationship grow in an organic and healthy manner. A great way to protect yourself from harm is to allow enough time for people to show you who they really are. The way that you behave, often in extremes, is not conducive to gradual relationship growth. And you are often in (Se grip) extremes because your emotional life is out of control.

You didn't grow up in an environment that taught you how to have healthy relationships. That’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to make up those lessons, as an adult who wants to live a better life than you had as a child. People aren’t born with knowledge, just like you're not born knowing how to do math. You have to learn through proper attention and study. You’ve spent how many years learning math that you may not even use? And how long have you spent learning to take care of your mental state? Few people can teach themselves math from scratch and psychology is no different. There’s a lot of knowledge and expertise required to address the psychological problems that you are describing. A big reason that psychological problems get worse over time is that people are not equipped to deal with them alone with no objective input or expert guidance to rely on.

I am but a stranger on the internet. The most I can ever do is help clarify/identify the problem and point you toward a possible solution. I can’t carry out the solution for you or with you. In order to get yourself and your life in order, you have to be more honest with yourself about how you feel, and address your feelings and emotional needs in a more compassionate and timely manner. It’s hard to care well for others when you’re not even able to care well for yourself. If you don't have anyone to lean on, then lean on professional help as a start. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can teach you how to stabilize your intrusive thoughts and messy emotional life, and from there, you will have a better time dealing with other aspects of life. A therapist can also teach you better social skills for dealing with relationship and boundary issues. If you can’t see a therapist for whatever reason, I have provided books about these topics on the resources page.