#have courage be kind

[ladywatereton]

“His hands were shaking and he was sure that his palms were moist. But the woman didn’t seem to notice. She just looked at him with those bright of hers. She seemed to be looking at him with a curious fascination, which made Kit feel both nervous and thrilled simultaneously.”

📖 Have Courage, Be Kind: The Tale of Cinderella, Brittany Rubiano & Cory Godbey.

🎥 Cinderella (2015).

🎶 My Love Mine All Mine, Mitski.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[theceaselessidiot]

Eloise Bridgerton being an absolute mood:

and Cressida's reaction of 'this girl is so weird, but I'm into it??? Wait am I into this??'':

[thatdeshigirl]

Bridgerton, S03 E07

[tainebot01]

You know, the AAI2 fandom’s insistence on referring to the characters by their fan localized names we’ve had for like a decade instead of the ones we received this week is really funny. It almost reminds me of something…

God damn it.

[nightwonder7]

OMG norton x alice my beloved!!! stealing that anons hc lol! proceeds to eat ur art and runs away

Funneh headcanon =w= Ffffffffff okay I guess the cat is out of the bag now >_>;;; My mutuals have given me nortalice brainrot and there was nothing I could do about it 💀 Never in a million years did I think a ship would grow on me, but here we are 😭

If I'm being honest, I'm still a little nervous about it all ;u; Hope things go well, though...

[freckleslikestars]

I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing.

Acrylic on canvas, A3

[beccawise7]

Hug of the week...

Sometimes, we just need one.

Spread the love & be good to one another.

~beccawise7 💜🖤

[septembersung]

I could really use your prayers. I am struggling so much with so many things right now. Not all of them are bad!, though some are extremely bad!, but they are all very difficult, each in their own way, and they are all happening at once! And it won’t ease up any time soon. I do not feel equal to meeting all this, but there’s no choice. Somehow I have to find my peace and toughen up and have courage and persevere.

And it would help to suddenly become frighteningly competent at Tasks. Which tasks? All of them. Everything.

[elliewiltarwyn]

just a song before i go

a lesson to be learned

traveling twice the speed of sound

it's easy to get burned

i wouldn't exactly call Ellie a ladykiller, but there are multiple women she's loved throughout her career where things just didn't or couldn't work out...

bonus: the ones who did;

[fictionadventurer]

I got curious about the podcast you've been listening to, and I listened to the Snow White episode tonight. They got into this abstract discussion of motherhood, and I was surprised that no one brought up the fact that Snow White herself doesn't have a mother anymore (or a father, presumably), and the fact that she is an orphan contextualizes how she responds to others with motherliness. I just rewatched the movie, and it's notable what an especial compassion she has for anyone without parents. Before the huntsman makes his attempt, she's concerned about a little bird separated from its parents and helps them reunite. Later, she concludes that the inhabitants of the cottage must be seven children who are orphans, and it's clear that she's worried for them, and ready to step in to help them out--which in turn will help her out, because she's an orphan in need of care herself. No one has been taking care of this girl, and it says so much about her character that her response to this deprived upbringing is to make every effort to give others what has been denied to her.

I noticed the same thing during rewatch--Snow is constantly caring for others, especially children. I hadn't consciously connected it with her orphan status--I focused on the fact that she's a good mother contrasted with the evil queen as a bad mother--but you're so right. Snow White knows the pain of losing her parents and it gives her so much compassion for those in similar situations, and it's so impressive and says so much about her strength of character.

[yunmeng-jiang]

that man does NOT think of wei wuxian as his gege

[peopleofsmokecitiesofsong]

I haven't watched recently enough to get into it but something something nine and twelve as inverted reflections

[motivation-ga-shinderu]

the price of recognition

[no-psi-nan]

If Kuboyasu was a butch lesbian and Kaido was a trans guy then their characters and friendship would've been 300% more interesting tbh. A beautiful alternate world where Asou was 40% more goated.

[sdwolfpup]

Really not sure I've ever loved a character more than Ray Vecchio in "The Deal."

He goes in gunless, badgeless, alone, and -- by his own admission -- scared to death, and he takes Zuko down completely. Absolutely guts the man's bravado and leaves him exposed for the weak, petty dictator he is.

And then after making a deal to protect Paducci, when Zuko threatens Ray's own safety, Ray says "I didn't ask for that." He didn't come there for himself! He came to protect Paducci and because he couldn't protect Fraser or Marco and he's trying to make up for it.

The most character of all time.