#have been useful a few months ago when i was obsessing over whether i am also A Little Autistic

[chasingfictions]

the fact that almost all of my personality is from my mother except for All of My Mental Illness which is from my father .... that's just showbiz baby!!!!

[theyrealllesbians]

Regulus was manically pacing around his room, playing with the cord at the base of the phone.

"What do you mean there's another one?" He asked in an exasperated tone, rubbing the bridge of his nose to try and fight the annoyed headache he could feel brewing.

"Another wedding invitation has just come for you, from Emmaline Vance? Wait was she the one who was obsessed with Peter and would try to dance with him at every party for like a year?" Sirius said, getting progressively louder and more excited as he carried on.

"Yes." Regulus bit out. He really could not be bothered to go to another wedding. Why did everyone want to get married all of a sudden, it's only been a couple, wait no 7 years, since he left high school. God, how had it been 7 years already? "Surely I don't have to go. I can just RSVP back saying 'thanks, but no thanks' that'll work right?"

Regulus didn't even really understand why he was getting so many invitations. He'd had 5 wedding invites so far, 2 baby showers which he was not going to and 2 reunion dinners. Of course his own brother's wedding invitation was not included in this list of grievances. He's never dare complain about having to watch the happiest day of Sirius's life. Even just hearing him and Remus try and sort out the last few details made his heart warm in a way that he would never dare admit to.

"Come on, you have to!" Sirius exclaimed. "Everyone will want to see you. Besides all of us," 'us' being Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas, "are going and I refuse to spend another evening answering a million questions about you when you could just get over yourself and come!!!!"

Sirius was referring to the last high school reunion that happened 2 years ago that he had refused to go to. Apparently, Sirius spent the whole night getting asked about Regulus's whereabouts and what he was doing, if it was true that he had refused to work in the family business, whether he was gay and if so, was he single?

"Ugh," he groaned, "if I do go, and that's an if! I'll need a date. Where am I supposed to get a date on such short notice." Regulus's head was now beginning to ache as it had threatened to do so at the thought of having to sit through a wedding with someone he barely knew just to show that he wasn't alone and that he was doing well for himself.

"I don't know, do I? I mean you don't have to have a date." Sirius suggested, speaking through a mouth of some form of food.

"I do though don't I, otherwise I'll just get pitying looks the entire night. Or worse, people coming up to me trying to ask me out." He shivered at the thought.

Sirius choked a little, "That's a bit cocky don't you think?"

"No I don't think it is actually, not after I had Gideon touching my knee last month asking if I'd 'be interested in a night to remember', I cannot do that again. I just can't," he whined. He may as well have stomped his feet to go along with the toddler type tantrum he was getting close to. But Regulus did not care, he was being entirely serious when he said he could not do it again.

"Fine then, go with Barty?" Sirius suggested.

"Can't he's already going with Evan." Regulus responded, damning them both because it wouldn't be a half bad idea.

"Act as if you're in a throuple, you could pull it off." Sirius teased.

"Sirius" Regulus whined again, he needed real solutions.

"Pandora?"

"Doesn't really work now that everyone knows I'm gay." Regulus was getting tired now, why did he call his brother again? Oh right he didn't, Sirius called him because Regulus is currently on a work trip and Sirius is watering his plants and clearly snooping through his post.

"Well, I don't have any other ideas. This is why you need more friends." Sirius said matter of factly.

"To have as back up wedding guests?"

"Yes, that's what we do all the time. I don't actually think that anyone really knows who is with who. Oh, you could go with James. I don't think he was planning to go with anyone."

"Yeah, pass." He would not go with James Potter. Not for any particular reason, he just couldn't.

"Right well, I can't help you"

"Apparently so. I'm gonna go" Regulus just needed to lie down and think about what he was gonna do. He still had a month to figure it all out.

"Alright, see you soon, call me if you need anything else." Sirius said, trying to maintain his 'helpful' older brother personality that he had built.

"Yep will do, bye." Regulus hung up.

He really hated wedding season.

Just had this idea, it will be Jegulus. Kinda fake dating/ friends to lovers type deal. I'm actually pretty excited to start writing it and have quite a few ideas already.

[gorgeouslypink]

The Illusion of Method (My AP "Guide")

Hey guys! I'm so sorry that I've been behind on finishing up my masterlist but I've been really busy. I was having a conversation with my friend @junfairykyu and I remembered this post and she said it really helped her and urged me to share it with you guys too! This post is to help people AP (astral project) but the same concepts apply for the void. I hope this helps everyone.

original link: here

Hello there,

In this post I want to share an epiphany I had a few months ago regarding astral projection which changed my approach to it completely. Once I understood what I am about to explain, the amount of OBEs I had completely skyrocketed, to the point I can astral project on demand. I later found I could apply the same rule to lucid dreaming, and I started to enjoy countless conscious dreams. So this is the story of how I got to the "core aspect" of astral projection, the key to induce it effortlessly on demand. I will start by explaining the conditions whereby I came to this "truth" or "top method", and then I will develop it a bit more to ensure that its understandable. I I hope you guys enjoy the post and benefit from it. That being said, let's start!

I have been having OBEs for a few years now. A few years in which I tried many astral projection techniques, and while some of them seemed to work better than others, I always had one single desire that obsessed me to the core: I wanted to understand what was the root technique, i.e. that background cause, shared by all fruitful OBE strategies, that actually separated consciousness from the body. You know, the skeleton of all techniques. It was the deepest of my fixations, and I was compelled to find out the answer to that, I knew there was a core method, it was undeniable: if many different techniques lead to the same results, then there was for sure some hidden and shared dynamic that, if emulated over and over again, it would always produce Out of body experiences.

But it was really hard at first to understand what this hidden method was, because I was conditioned by my own results. What do I mean by this? Well, if only one technique worked for me, then it would be easy to assume "oh, that's the true and only method". But I had successful results with a wide variety of techniques, so different from each other: from tactile visualization, up to affirmations and pure desire, the ear ringing technique (using the ear buzzing sound to project) , the WBTB and many others. The challenge was in finding the single thing that united such different techniques. It seemed almost impossible!

You see, at first I thought imagination was a core aspect, but I rapidly discarded that, because many techniques dispensed with imagination. So then, imagination wasn't necessary. I kept discarding things just like that, trying to reach the substratum. I eventually thought it was pure intention, pure desire. This made sense to some extent, because all techniques required you to think actively about projection, whether you do this by imagining you project, or state it via affirmations, or whatever. It seemed like I succeeded with stripping away everything unnecessary. But then I had an spontaneous projection, which messed it all up. Not that it was the first spontaneous OBE in my life. In fact, I had a few of those during my career as an astral traveller. I was just ignoring them. Pretending that they were not there. Right when i thought astral projection had to do with a burning desire or intention, I realized that some OBEs dispensed with intention completely.

I was so obsessed with finding the key to astral projection in those OBEs I induced myself, that I was screening out those that happened involuntarily. I don't know why, but I guess it made more sense to find the how-to in the techniques rather than in...and then my mind went silent. I reached something important: a point of no-return. I realized something embarrassing: I had the answer in front of my eyes, but I kept pretending there was a hidden solution. But via spontaneous projections, the message was clear: it is not that those "spontaneous" projections weren't induced by me. NONE of my projections were induced by me! Its almost as if my unconscious was trying to tell me, via spontaneous projections, something like; "hey! its me who does it, not you".

At that point I understood the following: there is no method. We can't induce out-of-body experiences, nor lucid awareness in a dream. We don't really know how it is that the projection of consciousness occurs, or how lucidity pops up. We just get to experience it under certain conditions. All we do, really, is asking for projections to occur, while meeting the most optimal conditions for them to occur. That's the reason why spontaneous projections are kinda unconfortable for many and we try to screen them out, because they are trying to tell us about the illusion of method, and we as humans need to cling on a certain "how to", believing we are responsible for phenomena to occur. But we aren't. It is "something else" (the unconscious, the higher self, or whatever you want to call it) who kicks you out of your body, or triggers lucidity while dreaming. And when it occurs naturally, we try to understand how we did it, instead of realizing it isn't something we did, and thus opening ourselves to that same gift.

When I understood that, I began to do the following (the "no-method" method), and it ALWAYS works: I just lie down in the morning (to ensure that I don't fall asleep), close my eyes and simply ask this "unconscious" or whatever it is, to induce an OBE for me. And then I evoke this feeling of TRUST. I trust him, I trust that it will do the rest for me, because I understand that every time my consciousness escapes my body, it is this kind of higher consciousness or being who does it, not me. And this feeling of trust is the way to get rid of responsibility; in giving away this need for control and responsibility for the experience to occur, you also get rid of anxiety, fear and other emotions that boycott the outcome. So then, i just allow myself to drift with that feeling of peace, KNOWING that it will happen and I don't have to worry about it. Every time I do this, I get an amazing out of body experience. I just ask "the universe" to induce an OBE, and allow it to do its job. This same "method" (now you see why I refer to it as the illusion of method: you really don't do a thing) also applies to lucid dreaming: I just allow my higher self or unconscious mind or whatever to trigger lucid awareness for me, and go to sleep happily, knowing that it will happen.

To sum up, the answer is not in the techniques. All techniques are rituals we create to convince ourselves that we are the architects of the out of body experience, but we aren't. By acknowledging the one who DOES induce these kind of experiences, we get ourselves out of its way, we allow it to do its job and our emotions and feeling of responsibility no longer boycott the results. It is quite weird, even ironic to some extent, but it is also a relief in some way. You realize that you were never doing it wrong, because you can't do it. None of us have the supernatural power to separate consciousnesses from their bodies, its absurd. That being said, allow yourself to experience the OBE state, trusting your inner mind, knowing it will do this for you.

Exempt yourself from this responsibility and enjoy!

UPDATE: If you enjoyed the approach given in this post or found it useful, I am excited to announce that I just released an AP book on Amazon called "The Illusion of Method", which is an in-depth expansion of this guide: https://www.reddit.com/r/AstralProjection/comments/pc3ipt/my_ap_book_the_illusion_of_method_is_available_on/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[wheezyseeker99]

Guilty as Sin

Warnings: pining, alcohol consumption (just a little), swearing, smut in many forms aka masturbation (female), oral (female receiving), penetration (fm), and multiple orgasm

18+, MDNI

Summary: based on my interpretation of the song. Also if you can’t tell, I’m obsessed with the way he was as a whole on April 11, 2024.

Anyway, good luck soldiers if you read.

I moved in with my best friend Cam a few months ago. Reason being I wanted to work on the east coast, and he isn’t usually home often. So I take care of the house while he’s on the road, and I get to spend time with him when he is home. It’s a win-win for the both of us.

The longest stretch for when he’s home is when hockey is in its off season, which is supposed to start soon here in Philly. With this losing streak, they are definitely not making playoffs. It’s sad because they really did have a good season up until now.

Tonight Cam has an away game. I decided to stay home since I had to work so now I have the place alone once again. Earlier he sent me a song that reminded him of me, and that made my day so much better. Work has torn me to pieces lately, but today was rougher than others. I’m debating whether I should take a personal day tomorrow just to recuperate.

I’m sitting here putting the finishing touches on graded assignments before the game starts. I’m feeling tense. Sometimes I can’t figure out why I put myself through the torture of teaching children for a living. It’s so hard to do, but in the end, it’s so rewarding. I close my laptop and shove it with the graded assignments into my bag and grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen. It’s a normal occurrence at this point to watch the games with a drink in hand.

Right when I make it back into the living room, I glance up at the tv to see that TK passed the puck to Cam and he scored. I gape at the tv for a second.

My best friend just scored.

I jump up off the couch and shout in excitement. I pull out my phone and pose next to the moment on the screen, sending it to Cam for him to see later. In the heat of the excitement, I sit back down and continue watching the game.

When the first period is over, the score is tied. I think it’s almost safe to say the losing streak is over but I don’t want to jinx it. I finally decide it’s time to eat so I go to the kitchen and make a sandwich. Though, when I walk back I see Cam on the screen doing an intermission interview. I paused my eating mid-bite.

Holy shit. He looks hot as fuck right now.

I stare at him for the rest of the interview, spiraling. This isn’t the first time I thought of Cam in that way. Honestly, it’s always been in the back of my brain, but I don’t have the balls to act on it. Cam has always been the one that’s there for me. He cares about me and he actually listens to me. That’s a rarity for a man. He’s so precious, and I’m not screwing up our friendship because I’m touch starved.

For the rest of the game, I kept thinking of the things that I shoved deep inside my mind. And they all had to do with my best friend. The wine didn’t help with that either. I turned off the game and went to brush my teeth.

Cam probably won’t be home until the middle of the night so I leave a light on for him and trail into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I lay down and the thoughts are back immediately.

Maybe I should get it all out while he’s not here.

My inner voice usually doesn’t say yes to things so easily, but here I am, thinking about throwing my thoughts to the wolves. This is far too unhinged. Is it bad to think about him in this way? I rack my brain until my phone lights up with a message from Cam.

‘That’s my girl’ with a picture of him cheesing at the camera. My eyes trail over the picture, looking everywhere from his bare shoulders to his lips. It’s safe to say that I metaphorically want to jump his bones immediately. Feral as hell.

I plug in my phone and lay it on my bedside table, hoping that he doesn’t notice that I didn’t reply.

It’s helpless to be this way. I slide my shorts off, leaving me in a big tshirt, and lay down again. When I close my eyes, I see Cam. I let out a deep sigh. What if, just this once, I give in to it? No harm in rubbing one out while thinking about my best friend right?

I close my eyes again and trail my hand up my thigh. My fingers aren’t my own, they’re his. His lips messily attacking my own. I’m breathing hard, swirling my fingers around my clit.

Cam. Cam. Cam.

My mind is running wild with all of the things we’ve never did. The way he’d manhandle me sticks to my mind like glue. He’d mark my body as his. I tilt my head back and gasp when I press two fingers into myself, applying pressure to my clit with my thumb. Cam’s calloused fingers would feel so much better than my own. He would curl them in a certain way that would make me melt into the palm of his hand. I feel my body shaking and soon I’m chanting his name while I’m crashing through an orgasm.

When I open my eyes, I notice how labored my breathing is. I take a few minutes to regain my ability to breathe and fell asleep.

…

My dream is starting to feel so real. It’s like Cam is haunting me. He’s laying behind me in bed, sliding his hands against my bare thighs. I feel his lips against the back of my neck. But it’s not real. It can’t be. I keep my eyes closed while I whimper out his name. It really feels like I can feel his breath against the shell of my ear and hear him softly hum.

There are kisses being pressed down my neck onto my shoulder. The scratchiness of his beard scrapes the sensitive skin. I lean into the fantasy, reaching my hand behind me to grab onto his hair, moaning at the way his mouth feels against my skin. It feels soft against my hand. If only this was real.

I roll over and open my eyes, and the world stops. Blue eyes hold my gaze.

“This isn’t real.”

“It is.” He places a kiss on my jaw and then pulls away to look at me. “You called me and I assumed it was a mistake. I kept my airpods in just in case you just wanted company while you slept.” His hand goes back to stroking my thigh. “But then I heard you moaning and calling out my name. Care to comment on that?”

My skin is on fire when he touches me and his eyes are burning into me. I bite my lip, but he lifts his thumb up to set my bottom lip free from my teeth. I let out a deep sigh, trying to control myself. I have to be honest now. I lay onto my back and stare at the ceiling.

“I thought I only plugged in my phone to charge. I didn’t mean to call you. I’m sorry. I just-”

“You’re sorry for what exactly?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d ever find out.” I cover my face with my hands. “I really embarrassed myself and I’m sorry if it’s going to be weird between us now because of what I did.”

He pulls my hands away from my face and holds them. “I’m glad you did it. I’ve been holding back from this for a long time.”

I stared at him, more shocked than I’ve ever been before. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Think about it. Use that pretty brain.” He taps a finger to my forehead. “Was I not just kissing your skin baby?”

Oh wow.

I’m at a loss for words so I nod my head. He nods back at me, smiling broadly. “Exactly. I love you just as much as you love me. So tell me, may I kiss you some more?”

I nod again and press my lips to his. The world fades around us. Cam’s hands come to my hips and lifts me onto him. I’m straddling his lap and I gasp for air when our kiss breaks. I didn’t realize he’s only wearing underwear until now. My hands settle onto his bare shoulders, feeling his hot skin under my touch. This feels like a fantasy. He licks his lips, silently begging for more. There’s a spark in his eyes when he looks at me. He smoothes down my bed head, and tucks a stray hair behind my ear.

“This is what I wanted for so long.” His voice is low and it sends a shiver down my spine. “I’m sick of sharing you. You’re mine now.”

I gulp and mindlessly nod my head. I’m physically and mentally melting into him. His hands trail up and down my back, like he’s mapping out his territory, until they settle on my ass.

“Come on now baby. Cat got your tongue?” He smirks. “Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours Cam.”

“Mine.” He says through gritted teeth while he smacks my ass. He brings his mouth back to mine. The kisses are growing more urgent and heated, and I grind down onto his lap, needing more friction between my legs. He lets out a strangled groan into my mouth, smacking my ass again.

Cam removes his mouth from mine and moves it to nip at my neck. His beard grazes my skin, making my head tilt back. I moan out his name when he bites down on my pulse point. He reaches a hand between us, feeling my wetness over my underwear while I continue to grind into him.

“Who did this to you baby?”

“You.” I gasp. His fingers pull aside my underwear and press into my clit. I scream out and lay my head on his shoulder.

“Fuck. So pretty.” Two of his fingers circle against my clit until he presses them into me. I rock greedily onto them. “Look at you taking me so good.”

His praise has me clutching onto him for dear life. I have no other coherent thoughts besides him. I’m chanting out his name again for the second time tonight when I slam into the most mind blowing orgasm I’ve ever had. He brings his fingers up to his lips and sucks them, moaning at the taste of me. My hands drop to the waistband of his boxers. I start tugging them down while I give attention to his chest, lips meeting any piece of his skin I can reach.

Once I freed him from his boxers, he flips me over onto my back and takes off my panties and tshirt, leaving us both stripped down to nothing but skin.

Cam’s gaze shows an expression I’ve never seen him have before. It looks like a look of untamed desire. Kind of animalistic. I want him so bad. He’s back on me in an instant.

Our chests pressed together, mouth attacking mine. His hand lifts my thigh over his hip, sinking into me further. His hips move in long strokes. I moan into his mouth as he thrusts into me at a slow and steady pace. He’s taking his time.

We lose ourselves in each other and forget everything else. The feeling of him on top of me, in me, has me at an intoxicating level of ecstasy. Reality feels so far away, but we’re in it. I try to commit this all to memory until Cam moans into my mouth, biting down on my bottom lip as he lets my lips go. He starts going faster. He takes my hands and holds them above my head while he tucks his face into the crook of my neck. I scream out in bliss. The snapping of his hips blurs my vision and my body is aching to release.

“Please.” I stutter out. I’m too overwhelmed to say anything else. It’s too much.

“Let go baby. I’m-“ his voice breaks and he lets out a guttural moan. His desperate thrusts are starting to stagger when I tip over the edge. His mouth crashes down on mine, muting the whine that’s coming out of his throat. A wave of pure pleasure washes over us as we ride out our climax.

“Fuck I’m so in love with you.” He whispers against my lips. His chest is still heaving while he slides out of me. I’m lying here breathless and mind-numbingly blissed out. He looks down at me like I’m the greatest thing to ever happen to him. He bites his lip when he looks down at the mess we made and quirks a brow at me. “Think I need to clean you up now.”

Cam shuffles down the bed until he’s face to face with my soaked pussy. He swirls a finger around, mixing his cum with mine.

Oh my god.

I throw my head back and moan at how sensitive it feels. I try to squeeze my thighs together but he pries them open and lowers his mouth to taste me. My legs start shaking immediately. I grab onto his hair as he shoves his face further into me, licking every place he can before sucking my clit into his mouth which elicits another breathless scream from me. He chuckles against me but continues his assault. I’m writhing in pleasure until I come apart again, breathing hard as he licks me through my orgasm. My hands fall to the bed and he stands to leave. I whimper but he shushes me, saying he’d be back. Cam comes back with a wash cloth and gently wipes me clean.

After he takes the wash cloth back to the bathroom, he comes back and lays down with me. He pulls me into him, both of us still very naked. I lay my head on his chest and snuggling close. I love this feeling. I lift my chin to rest on his chest and look at his face. He has an arm tucked behind his head and the other plays with my hair.

Cam looks so content. He removes his hand from behind his head and lifts my thigh over him. He traces patterns on my upper thigh. It kind of feels like he’s tracing out the word ‘mine’ on it. I kiss his chest and smile to myself as I lay my head back down. I listen to his heart beat for a moment.

“We’re not just best friends anymore, huh?”

“No baby, we’re not. We’re so much more.”

[koalaforlife]

Happy Birthday, Hange Zoë

This is a story of how Hange became one of my favorite characters now after so long, and how I think they are one of the most underrated characters, always pushed aside (probably due to a lack of an emotional backstory and lack of the relatability factor). 

For starters, I will note that I will most likely end up referring to them as she/her because in my mind (thanks to the anime), I can’t help but see this character as a female and honestly, I’ve been struggling for Idk, all my life? to find a female character in any media that ticks all the boxes for me (I have plenty of ultimate faves in terms of male characters instead) and to my utmost surprise now, I think Hange just might be the one so allow me to fulfil my long-time desire of finding a great female character that I can call my ultimate favorite.

Also, it's important to mention that for the longest time, my favorite AoT characters had been Levi (ultimate bias) with Erwin coming in a veeeery close second. 

Let me start with the beginning. When I first saw her in the first season of SnK, the exaggerated reactions that were meant to be comic relief only made this “mad/obsessed” character more cringe to me. Not to say I hated them, I just…got second-hand embarrassment from watching them. I didn’t quite get a good grasp of the character and probably like 90% of the fandom, I just saw them as just another character fading in and out of the background, that at times helps the plot advance with some new bits of info.

Then, at some point, I probably saw some cool scenes of them that gave me a pleasant surprise (eg. when she threatens to push Pastor Nick off the wall) but as I was getting distracted by other, more impactful and shocking scenes, I wouldn’t really think much of it and I didn’t actually use them to form a full character portrait/depiction in my mind. These scenes, few and far between, were forgotten in the end.

When I became a more active reader and passionate fan, about 4 years ago I would say, somehow I ended up learning about the pair LeviHan, and it really won me over with their dynamics. Whether people choose to ship them romantically or not, there is nothing that can deny the fact that they had a special friendship in canon AoT. 

In any case, to my shame, I have to admit I started paying attention to Hange because of that ship, and though I didn’t realize it at that time, I liked her for the most part because of that ship. So basically, I liked her because of my favorite character, Levi. Of course, I still liked the legendary trio, Erwin, Hange, Levi, but again, I don’t think I was that attached to her as a singular character.

Soon after, I dropped out of fandom when the manga took a really weird turn for me. I started disliking it and it went on for a while. I lost my hope in it getting any better. I don’t know why it affected me THIS much but I can only assume it had something to do with my mental state back then. 

Now, after almost 4 years, I reprised the manga and watched the final season of the anime. I felt differently, way more tolerant and accepting of whatever direction the story was going to take. And I can’t say I am unhappy with it, I just think that certain parts seemed like cliches and overused tropes, which is not very characteristic of Isayama, but oh well. I think the poor man was exhausted and wanted to finish it asap, and I can’t blame him. 

Speaking of mental health, a few months back I had gone through a major shift where I started thinking more positively overall. I think this is important to mention because it’s probably why I also saw Hange with such different eyes this time. 

And, I think this is also why I finally got ready to read the rest of the manga, despite knowing she dies. That was the only spoiler I got, and when I first heard it years ago, I was “disappointed, but not surprised” - at that time like I said, I had lost all hope in the manga. And once again, I had felt more sad about it because of Levi, who’s lost everyone he cared for deeply and who understood him. Once again, I had failed to see Hange as a singular character with massive importance in the story, instead of just a convenient accessory to Levi. 

So why is this character important? There are many reasons why she was integral to the story, and inspirational to us readers, so I will try to summarize all that.

1. Open-mindedness

I don’t think most people remember (I know I didn’t) how she was the only one who first tried to challenge our perspective on titans. 

For decades, we've tried to fight the Titans with hatred in our hearts. I want to try and see them from a different angle than the current norm.

Call it maybe foreshadowing, or just Isayama trying hard to come up with a unique, arguably crazy character (that’s what I thought at the time), but when you think about it, it’s something that was desperately needed. When you don’t understand and know something, try to look at it from a different point of view. When you are afraid of something and the situation is dire, try to dare to hope there might be something good in it.

Armin: They decided we're devils without knowing our intentions? Why won't they consider a path of peace?

Mikasa: I think...because they don't know. They fear us because they don't know what we are.

Hange: That's right. They won't trust people whose faces they haven't seen. So let's meet 'em! If you don't understand something, go figure it out! Isn't that what we Scouts do?

That positivity, openness, and exuberance shines throughout most of the scenes we get with Hange in the first season, and when things get serious in Season 2, we also get a glimpse of their duality: though they were someone that faced titans with excitement, they were not to be messed with when it came to protecting people.

2. Humanity  / Emotional Intelligence

That duality becomes more apparent in Season 3, where we see them shine on their own. And btw, one of my kinks in this season/arc was the fact that the OP, goated trio, EruRiHan, were each on their own having to call the shots and contribute to the team’s success with little to no communication at times. Fills my heart with warm fuzzy feels and pride :D Anyway back to Hange. :D 

Hange displays some nice people skills as she is trying to tie the “reputation” loose end and clear their names and seek answers, truth, and justice, by collaborating with Flegel, Roy, and Beaure.

Some notable quotes here are the following:

[speech to flegel] Well, you have a point. The thing is, that doesn't sound like living to me. Look at it this way, Flegel. Instead of scampering around like a scared little mouse your whole life, wouldn't you rather face up to your enemy, even if it means risking your life--?

and one of my most favorites,

“What are you talking about? Defeat is all the Survey Corps have ever known. (said with a fucking sunshine on their face, because they are literal sunshine)

And when all is cleared up,

Levi: Looks like the gamble paid off.

Hange: Yeah. It wasn't just Erwin though. The lone choices of many managed to change the world.

This sentence  just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because it sounds inspirational to me: it's the small things we can all do that help shape the world, and it's not just the more inspirational, brave, and special people that bring change, it's all of us.

If for some reason the previous scenes weren’t enough to see what an empathetic and people-oriented person she was (eg. when she tries to befriend Eren, Levi and his friends, when she gives Sasha a potato as thanks, when she admits she wasn’t going to harm Pastor Nick, and was visibly disturbed by his death)….well this line I think perfectly shows how Hange encompasses teamwork, people’s unity, compassion, friendship. 

3. Mental Strength

However, at the same time, they are not afraid to get their hands dirty. Just like pretty much every relevant character in this story, they have to kill (or torture) to survive or to help humanity. That ability to know what needs to be done and get it done comes with a certain life experience and maturity that a lot of our main characters still have to achieve, which is probably why Hange gets overlooked as she already is a matured, developed character for the most part of the story, who doesn’t really need to make any life-altering decisions that shape their personality in one way or another.

But for me, that was a plus, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I love Armin’s growth, Conny’s development, Reiner and Annie’s inner conflicts, Historia’s whole arc, and some other minor character developments (Sasha and Ymir). But I can’t help but admire Hange now when I look at a more complete picture: a person with love for knowledge and love for life, but with a feral instict and strength to protect that same thing she loves - the lives of innocent people and the access to truth and knowledge.

There are people I want to bring back, too. Hundreds of them. I've had to say farewell since the day I joined the Scouts. But...You know, don't you? No matter who it is, there comes a day to say farewell. I know it's impossible, but you have to accept this. There will be times you can't keep your sanity. It's tough. Very tough. I know. Even so, we have to keep moving forward. 

4. Honesty and Accountability

Hange is blunt ("I agree. I thought it should've been used on Erwin...") and always takes responsibility for her decisions especially when she knows it might affect someone's mental state. ("The decision was mine. You were just a factor."/"I said the decision was mine."). I don't think people appreciate how important this is.

5. Flaws

When she gets overwhelmed with politics, responsabilities, and stress, and overpowered by the Jagerists, it is almost humiliating to see her cuffed and rendered useless, unable to do anything but follow the stronger ones. You can see how she slowly realizes that this surpasses her abilities to tackle the politics and the grim reality that the world most likely wants them dead. Defeated, she says

Erwin, you only made one mistake in your life. Why did you make me a commander?

I am sure some people would agree with her, but honestly, I disagree. First, there was literally no better option. Second, Erwin had an ability to see, understand, and manipulate people. If he nominated her, he must have believed in her enough, just as he believed in Levi and Armin when he entrusted them with crucial tasks. And third, some may argue that Erwin would have handled the situation better. But while Erwin might have probably been less stressed and overwhelmed with the political discussions, the reality would still be the same, and he would have had to work with the same equations and factors: world wants them dead, eren doesn’t want to sacrifice historia, eren wants the rumbling, what’s there to do? what could have Erwin done better in these circumstances? 

This new side of Hange’s character is really sad, but it makes her relatable in my opinion. I know a lot of people find other characters relatable instead, but for me this part right here speaks more to me than others. This sort of impostor syndrome (which Armin also suffers from), and the clear showcase of a character’s flaws and failures for the first time (when did we see Hange fail before?), all these things bring her down from the sort of “great character with no mistakes” pedestal and make her seem more like…us.

How many times did we not get some huge responsibility that we felt we were not good enough for, and doubted ourselves? Be it a project at work, leading a team, parenting, or even simple things like not being good enough at some hobby that you want to pursue, or good enough to be in a relationship with someone. These doubts are human and okay to have, and there's nothing wrong with that, but...

6. Resilience 

But what’s important is to keep moving forward and do your best, do whatever you can to change the outcome for the better, and if you fail, don’t go too hard on yourself. Hange knew that she did all she could, and she kept moving forward, even though she felt so down at times and almost as if she wanted to give up. 

Looks like my turn has come...even though I thought I did the right thing. Times change and you end up in a cell....What do you say we live out here, forever?

[a few moments later]

Levi: There's no way in hell you can stay out of the action.

Hange: Yeah, I can't. (bittersweet smile)

She does what she does best: she moves forward. She saves Levi and nurses him back to health, risking both of their lives in the process (I guess she was possessed by Erwin’s gambling spirit? :D or she was just THAT determined to ensure their survival). She seeks to form an alliance with the remaining survivors, including the Marleyans. 

In the forest scene, you could say that she is the one presiding over them, and the funny thing is, she does it while cooking dinner. It’s kind of symbolic if you ask me, as food is crucial to our survival, but it’s also something that brings people together. 

7. Integrity

One of the most powerful quotes in my opinion, is this one

I’ll be damned before we justify genocide somehow.

[manga: There is nothing anyone can say to change my mind about that.]

It really showcases her determination to save human lives and a core belief that makes her just more admirable in my opinion: genocide is wrong.

But I'm sure none of them would have been so selfish as to say..."as long as the island has freedom, that's all that matters."

Her demise is so characteristic of her - she’d always been fascinated with titans, but that never stopped her from killing them in order to survive and to save people’s lives. Her goodbye words to Levi and that lovely chuckle of hers once again reminded us of that familiar “all sunshine and rainbows” energy she always had. And then she fell like a burning star. 

The music choice couldn’t have been more perfect. I admit I didn’t even remember this song before, but now it’s one of my all-time favorites, and I can’t help but feel all kinds of bittersweet and nostalgic when I hear it now.

Hange is now my favorite character, up there with Levi, and irrespective of Levi and their relationship. I love her because to me she is relatable, because she encompasses pure things such as willingness to understand and accept things and people she doesn’t know, exuberance, love for life, and curiosity. I love her because of her duality- both flawed and strong, both sweet and menacing, and I love her because she never loses her integrity as a human being. Hange brought more to the story than most of us think, she wasn’t just comic relief or a vessel to share information about the lore, she brought our beloved characters together and nurtured them, and she was the embodiment of what the Survey Corps represented: exploration, understanding, and bravery. If Erwin was the mastermind that pushed them forward, and Levi the one that protected them the most, I like to think Hange was the glue that kept them together, and kept them going with her positivity and passion for life.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 2018 I slept better than I expected to yet I don’t have the energy or motivation to work out. I’ve done the laundry and soon I will clean the kitchen.

Looking forward to Camp Nano starting at midnight tomorrow night. I’ve been wanting to write but didn’t want to start a story and have two stories going at once. Nor did I want to start my Nano story too soon and be a cheater.

I forgot all my dreams. I hate that. I got up to pee at one point and remembered a dream or two in detail but forgot it once I got up for good.

He and I were talking about how my days have gotten shorter. Where my schedule used to jump about 2 hours a day 20 years ago, now it’s a little over an hour. How awesome it would be if it could shorten enough to hold a schedule! But with my shit luck, if this happens, it won’t be until I’m old and dying. :( It would just make it so much easier to do things in general.

A part of me hesitates to move too close to Tammy, knowing I would have to disappoint her at times by saying “no” to something she may want to do due to either my schedule or other commitments, not that she wouldn’t understand, especially as one with a medical background.

Circadian rhythm disorder wasn’t discovered and documented until 1999 when it was accidentally discovered in blind people. This made them realize that light doesn’t have as much to do with sleep cycles as originally thought. It was at its worst in my 30s. I think it peaks for most people who have it. You’re pretty much born with it as I always had sleep issues all my life, struggling to get to sleep at night and struggling to get up for school in the morning. But it does worsen before it gets better.

The only thing that would suck about my days shortening is that where it used to take me a week to flip my schedule, now it takes closer to two weeks, and well, I would hate to be stuck on nights for a month or so when there were things I needed or wanted to do in the daytime. But seriously, the only thing I would miss about nights is that they’re quieter! Not too much tonight in the way of car stereos or planes. Just the gentle whooshing sound of the freeway but I don’t mind that.

Anyway, the older we get, the more doctors’ appointments we tend to have so it would be nice if I didn’t have to struggle to get to them as I sometimes do now. I just dread the day they drop spouses from insurance. I hope that if they do it isn’t before Tom retires! It’s just that America has become so obsessed with separatism versus teamwork. Everybody wants everybody to take care of their own needs as independently as possible. That’s fine if that’s what you want and you’re able to do so, but this isn’t always so easy for some of us.

FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2018 Poor Aly. She was not only put back on prednisone and given an iron shot, but she’s going to be 37 next month, right around the age that things really start going to hell. She’s up to 134 and 34 pounds and she is struggling hopelessly to change and undo the effects of aging. Acceptance will come as she gets a little older. Meanwhile, she should enjoy the 130s because someday she’s going to look back and wish he could be 134. Hell, I’d settle for being 144! But unless there’s a major medical breakthrough, I get seriously ill, or I become inhuman enough to suffer the effects of going thyrotoxic, which would mean taking my medication every day, even when I’m flaring, it’s not going to happen. I woke up at 156.4, though I am retaining water now as my body tries to decide whether or not to kick off a period.

I once tried to fight it thinking all I had to do was eat right and exercise but that’s like saying that as long as I’m a good person nothing bad will ever happen to me. Diet and exercise may work for those under 30-35, but the reality is that it takes very few calories to maintain the same weight when we get older that once would’ve caused us to lose like crazy.

Even Tom has struggled with his weight. He was 35 when we met and 205 lb. Now he’s almost 61 and 260 lb, maybe a little more. He too, has had no luck with diets. Where my problem is hunger, his is cravings. I have to go down to about 1000 calories or less to lose weight and that’s like starving. If I could do that then I could stand to have nothing at all.

What I think is important to keep in mind is that it’s how we feel and not how we look that matters most. Sometimes we just don’t have as much control over things as we’d like, like our height and eye color and all that. But there’s no reason we can’t keep active and at least keep our joints strong and our bodies healthy.

So sick am I of having to worry about my weight climbing that I am seriously thinking of “maxing” out. This is where I eat “normally” and allow my body to settle into whatever my “forever” weight is going to be. It takes a certain amount of calories for each of us to maintain a certain body weight. Although I try to choke back the calories most days, my comfort zone is about 1600-2000. If I ate that I wouldn’t feel much deprivation if any at all. But if I let myself have that every day, I would gain weight. I don’t know what my max weight for that calorie amount would be, but the reason I’m considering it is that A, I know it’s inevitable that I end up there someday anyway, and B, I figure if I just get it over with and discover my forever size and weight then I’ll no longer have to stress about it every single fucking day and wonder when I’m going to hit the 160s which I’ll probably do this year no matter how hard I try not to.

It’s a daily struggle. Literally. Every day is like trying to hold back the tides and I hate being hungry. Yet there is a lot of hunger that goes with trying to cut hundreds of calories from my daily intake. In my 20s and even most of my 30s, I wasn’t nearly as hungry as I became once I got to be around 40. This way, if I max out, I won’t have to worry about gaining what I suspect will be 20-30 more pounds because I will have already done it. I don’t think I would go over 200 if I kept exercising but ate “naturally.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 Space rent has gone from $795 to $865 in the 5 years we’ve lived here. And that’s cheap considering that the average 2-bedroom apartment here goes for $1400.

Since 3 teaspoons equal a tablespoon I decided to put a teaspoon of the apple cider vinegar in three of the 16.9 oz. water bottles I drink, but then Aly said that she put a tablespoon in a 20 oz. bottle of strawberry sparkly water and it was okay. I like this idea so I think I might try it.

Went out walking earlier and even at 9 p.m., the traffic around the front gate was like OMG. It got up to 82 degrees today and we ran the AC for a little while. I waited till it had just slipped under 70 degrees to go out. Hopefully, we won’t need the heat anymore for a while! Anyway, I loved the various cooking smells as well as the smell of Jasmine as I walked around.

I wish we didn’t have such old shitty windows so we could open them at night or anytime we want to without bugs getting in. I just couldn’t sleep with them open because the noise would be horrendous. I might as well go sleep in the middle of the road in that case! I’m tired of living in all places but that’s what I’ve lived in for most of my life. Really hope the next place, wherever it is, is more modern as well as quieter, but I highly doubt I’m going to get the last one. Not too many places these days are quiet. It’s after 11 p.m. and I can hear all kinds of things on the freeway and in the sky. Yet that’s mild compared to when the traffic is heavy in the park, as well as the near-daily landscaping and projects.

I don’t expect to have the energy to work out tomorrow night because I’m on nights right now and I’m sure the trash and recycle pickups are going to wake me up regularly along with whatever other thunderously loud vehicles go through here. I managed to sleep okay today but there was definitely a ton of loud traffic. Tomorrow I will probably just do laundry and maybe clean the kitchen.

This weekend we’re going to have a little meeting and decide when to move. We may not know the exact year but we should have a better idea. Do we do stupid and risky and go sooner? Or do we play it safe and smart and wait another five years or so? We’ll have to lay out all the pros and cons and make a decision. Damn, it’s a tough one, though!

No planes flying overhead now. Right now all I hear is the freeway, but hey, it is nighttime and I’m only about five or six hundred feet away from it. The only thing that sucks about warmer weather at night is that you hear the fucking car stereos blasting down it beginning at around 6 p.m. till around 2 a.m. It’s just fucking ridiculous the way we let so much shit go on in the world that shouldn’t and we don’t let things be that should be left alone. I still can’t believe how often I hear things in the daytime here. Landscaping was only done once a week or less and all the other places I ever lived, and I didn’t hear a fraction of the projects I hear going on here.

For dreams, I remember something about moving from someplace that didn’t look anything like this. I was doing a final walk-through of it and was in a room with a pullstring to a light in the center of it.

The next dream was really weird. I guess he and I were doing something illegal online and he kept telling me, “Shield me.” That meant I had to hold some strange object close to him so he wouldn’t get caught doing whatever he was doing, LOL. Then I was trying to hide some files or destroy them.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28, 2018 Just when I had been sleeping well enough not to remember my dreams, the shitty sleep has returned right along with the nightmares. I actually had one good dream, though, of winning 30k.

Not only did I wake up twice to pee and twice from loud traffic, and then finally get up to the sound of obnoxious sawing as we can’t go one fucking week without a project here (they’re doing something at the house on the other side of Bob and Virginia), my dreams were less than pleasant.

I had just said to him the night before that I missed the “dream people” and hoped they would return as long as they could be nice. Well, they weren’t. In one dream we were at some store buying who knows what. There were three young women behind the service counter when one of them said that it would “push on our ears and make us smile.” :-) Well, Tom wasn’t happy to hear this, naturally, and demanded a refund of $40 for whatever the hell the product was. The girl became angry and said something about leaving her alone for a while and she stormed off. I demanded the other girl closest to us give us our money back. When she refused, I grabbed her by the hair and demanded the money, shaking her viciously. Then I looked at the third girl, and not wanting her to call for the bacon, I let the second girl go and tried to hustle Tom to the car who was walking in slow motion.

The worst dream was being in jail for who knows what when they decided to tell me that they were going to use me as a guinea pig in a weight-loss experiment that required a variety of experimental drugs. I told them that I not only had a medication phobia but refused to let anybody use my body as they pleased without my consent.

My punishment for not “cooperating” was starvation. They wouldn’t feed me unless I agreed to participate. Each day they brought me a tray of food and each day I refused it, determined not to let my body be turned into an experimental specimen. I became so weak that the last thing I remember in the dream was one of the guards throwing a bagged lunch at me. I guess they decided I should eat no matter what but it was too late. I was too weak to sit up and feed myself at that point even if I wanted to. The dream ended before they could either save me or let me starve to death. I think I know which one they chose. Like I said, definitely not happy in Dreamland.

The only other dreams I remember were being in some building with an indoor swimming pool, telling some guy to fuck off, and writing a French address on some envelope for Christiane. It seemed to be something I did periodically for her and for some reason, I came to enjoy it. Like I was oh so honored to do her this favor, LOL. She read the address back to me and I was impressed with her perfect French pronunciation. Then I lost the address and became frustrated because I knew this meant I would no longer be able to write it out for her as apparently, neither of us had it memorized.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27, 2018 Looked up the time the sun was to set earlier so I didn’t have any direct sunlight in my eyes. I went out walking for about a half-hour when it set at 7:24, sure to mix in some running along the way.

Not much else going on. For however long it may last, I’ve been feeling good and sleeping well. With CampNano just a few days away, I guess I better start thinking of more ideas. I have the basic plot in mind for the story I want to do but it’s very basic. I haven’t really thought of much detail. I’ve been busy so I haven’t really gotten around to it just yet.

Tom’s shoulder still hurts on and off and it pulls out of the socket at times. Hopefully, he won’t need surgery on it! The sling still helps but it comes and goes. He said it was fine the first 8 hours of his day.

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2018 The lady with the artificial foot from Oregon is now moving into the house across from Jon & Carolyn. Glad they have quiet vehicles, though I’m not sure how many people/vehicles live there. There’s a red SUV with Oregon plates and there’s a white SUV with California plates. Earlier there was a Budget rental truck. Same company and size we moved down with back in the summer of 2007.

Went out walking but this time the app didn’t do the greatest job of tracking my route. Tom and I were talking about how cool it would be if people were microchipped. I think it would be way cool if I could see not only the location I was in but the room in that location I was in as well. Our guess is that people will be microchipped someday, be it mandatory or not. Right now people are too paranoid. I guess there are that many people up to no good. But if you’re like us with nothing to hide, then you don’t care who knows where you are. :-)

Although I know I’ve been dreaming, my dreams have been too vague to remember them enough to write about them.

Feeling bad for Aly. I’m worried about both her and my sister. Aly’s white blood cell count is way up and her platelets are low. Her doctor told her not to panic and that some kind of treatment plan could be worked out. Let’s hope so! I would hate for her to be sick no matter what but it would be especially shitty if she wasn’t well enough to visit. She gets low on iron or something like that and it leaves her feeling tired, weak and dizzy.

The older I get, the more I realize just how much aging sucks. Other than the wisdom you acquire, it all sucks shit big-time. 20 years ago I mostly had just the allergies and asthma to deal with. Now I also have a dead thyroid, rashes, shitty vision, thinning hair, gray hair, dry skin, TMJ, a deformed ear that is getting uglier by the minute, a hopelessly fat body, crowns and bridges, a dead libido, and joints that have lost a lot of flexibility. It chills me to think what life may be like in 20 more years!

Things aren’t new and exciting like they once were and you tend to have a bleaker outlook on life when you get older as well. Maybe that’s because we’re smarter and so we’re more realistic. When we’re younger, we don’t quite see the world for what it really is and therefore we see all kinds of endless possibilities. We tend to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future, and when we do worry about the future, it isn’t usually in the way we worry about the future when we’re older.

SUNDAY, MARCH 25, 2018 Ended up having a good day today. I was really worried when I took my meds but everything’s fine. There’s still nothing to say that the Monday/Wednesday/Friday skips will be the answer, but I have to keep doing whatever it takes to figure out exactly how much my body can tolerate. It’s always better to take some medication than none.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and I got a really cool athletic top. It’s bright pink and purple with long sleeves that have thumb loops. It’s great for chilly weather.

Went out by myself earlier and it was cool to see Life360 trace my route, time and distance. I went a mile in 27 minutes. Tom watched my progress but just like when he drives home, it doesn’t track very steadily. We’ll appear to be in the same spot for a few minutes and then it will suddenly dart ahead. So it jumps along in spurts rather than consistently.

I decided to leave the second reply to what I’m almost positive is Maliheh’s negative comment spiting me for teasing her about using her name in my story. I called her out by first name and the fact that there were no sales or loans around the time she left the review and that she ought to email me. :) She won’t though, of course. The gutless little coward wouldn’t dare contact me. I know she’s hoping to build a case against me by not contacting me just like the black bitch did. I guess she figures they wouldn’t check her IP to see if she went to any site I was associated with.

I noticed when I checked the reports the other day that the order in which the books were listed had changed. The same thing happened right before Maliheh left her “review” only there are no new reviews. No sales either. It’s been pretty slow and discouraging lately.

Now that I know lichen planus can get you anywhere, including the mouth, I’m paranoid whenever I get a weird feeling in my mouth and that I’m going to get it on other parts of my body. I read around and some guy said that after using turmeric powder and pills for a couple of months his cleared up and he hasn’t had any problems in years.

I’m going to try this stuff for lichen planus the next time we do an order on Amazon but I doubt it will be much help. I’m just afraid to use the steroid much for fear of burning. I would rather itch than burn because it’s easier to do something about that. Today I took a baby Benadryl and I ended up going down for a nap. I love naps. Just not how they sometimes leave me groggy.

I wish I knew what was making my phone lose its mind. Sometimes it will just start retyping stuff I’ve already written. I guess it sent some weird text to Aly, LOL.

Doesn’t look like the new people have moved in yet after all but one of them may have an artificial foot from what Tom said he saw. What we think was the flipper was there hammering today. I could hear the fucking thing all the way down the street as I was returning from my walk. When Tom was out weed whacking he saw the artificial foot lady and some other woman by a red SUV with Oregon plates.

As we were coming in from Rite Aid I saw a woman walking a Chihuahua up the driveway on the other side of Bob and Virginia. Still not sure if it’s that one, Ray’s mutt, or someone else’s that has the obnoxious bark.

We blew 60 bucks at Rite Aid on fun stuff we don’t need. I got a floral t-shirt dress on a black background, the athletic shirt I mentioned, junk food, and a wind chime with a rainbow-colored flower spinner. First time I ever saw a chime/spinner combo.

Since there’s a form in which I can anonymously send a message to Carol, Kim’s sister, via her dojo site, I started to ask if she wanted me to be an anonymous and concerned person but we agreed to hold off for now because we don’t want to get her in any more trouble. Bad idea and I’m sorry I offered because truthfully, I don’t want to get involved. I’m sorry for her but there’s nothing I can do anyway.

SATURDAY, MARCH 24, 2018 Doing more on my phone lately by setting up things like my Pi music player for running and even downloaded these really cool live wallpapers that look like raindrops are running down the screen, and others that have flying butterflies, running streams and fish swimming in ponds.

I began using Google Docs because that way I can access the same doc from any device. It would be nice to have the option of relaxing on the couch or in bed as I speak out either journal entries or stories rather than always sitting at my desk. Nothing can replace the ease of the laptop, though. It’s much easier to edit on the laptop, and of course, graphics look better with a bigger screen.

One of the cool things about Google Docs is that it has an add-on that puts a rainbow effect in the text making it gradually change colors as you can see here. It looks really cool. I can’t use it on all of my blogs but I can use it on Blogger as well as in Word. Then again, it’s a pain to get into Word.

The medication experiment is going well so far. I felt fine on the two days I skipped. I took it today and started to worry at first when my HR spiked to 108. But then I did have a candy bar so that may have been why. I thought I was going to be in for a bad day but after feeling wound up for just a short time, I was okay. Tomorrow is the big test.

Decided it would be okay to use a little bit of the weaker steroid gel down there just to take the edge off the rash which began picking up again about a week ago, as I figured it eventually would. Rather than use it for months, I’ll just use it for a week or two. That won’t be nearly enough to cause me to have burning and inflammation.

Bad news from Tammy. :-( When she was in the hospital with pneumonia in January they discovered some enlarged lymph nodes in her chest and she’ll have to have a biopsy next month. She was referred to a surgeon for that and will have to spend the night in the hospital in case of bleeding. As if she hasn’t already had enough, she’s still recovering from having the nerves in her neck burned due to the fibromyalgia. She said she had horrible pain and I can just imagine! It hurts just thinking about it that I honestly can’t imagine actually having to have done. She is beyond medically cursed. I would have killed myself dozens of procedures ago.

She let me know that I’m in her thoughts and that we’ll talk sometime because it’s easier for her that way. At first, I wondered why it took her so long to give me an update but I can see where one isn’t in the mood to be very sociable when they don’t feel well.

While I certainly hope that the lymph nodes aren’t cancerous, I know they’ve gotten really good at killing most cancers, so I am at least hopeful that she’ll have options if worse comes to worst.

The only thing that bothers me is that bad feeling I’ve had for a few years now about when she’s 62. Well, she’s going to be 61 in August. Despite my accuracy rate, I’m optimistic that it doesn’t mean anything because I’ve been wrong a couple of times before with similar dreams/feelings. It’s just that I did see the weight loss in my dreams, but who knows? Maybe she’s put it back on or at least some of it. Older people don’t usually keep weight off very easily, after all.

The shitty thing about having nerves burned is that it doesn’t always relieve the pain, and when it does it’s temporary since they do grow back.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2018 I’m way behind in my writing so now I’m going to try to catch up and hope I don’t forget anything. Yesterday was both shitty and good. It was good in that my appointments went well, but it was shitty in that I was very anxious. As much as I hoped and wished otherwise, as no one wants to be intolerant to medication their body needs, especially when there aren’t any other real options, the experiments I’ve been doing really do point to it as being the main culprit. It’s very frustrating and even depressing. I have no idea what I’m going to do about the problem or even what I can do about it. I just don’t have many options. I either take the medication once in a while or stop it altogether unless I can be switched to something else. I’m just not sure what else I could be switched to other than Armour, which may actually increase the anxiety.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless that my thoughts have been turning pretty dark and I’m once again wondering if life is even worth it. I wish I had the positive optimism that Tom has and could believe that this will one day end. After all, I’ve had other long-term problems and they worked themselves out eventually. But this is very different than any other problem I’ve had before, and after what’s been nearly 4 years, I’m losing hope. Maybe I’m just meant to be hypo just like I was meant to be short. It’s too bad I can’t stand that god-awful anxious feeling in my chest, though, because the anxiety diet is the best damn diet ever. But I just don’t want to live to suffer either.

Today I woke up depressed and tired, and I prayed to a God that probably doesn’t exist to take my life if it’s not going to let me get better. I’ve done everything I can think of to try to help myself and I’m running out of ideas. I just feel like any possible solution isn’t going to be a good one in this case. My other problems were a lot more straightforward. This is a very complex issue, however.

The weather matches my mood but at least it’s quiet.

Still torn between moving and staying but I’m afraid to go with him still working and this anxiety issue unresolved, assuming there’s even a way to resolve it. Each year that I have it, the more doubtful I become.

I’m quite calm so far today, which again points to the medication since I skipped today, but very tired and glum. Not only does rainy weather tend to make me feel this way but I almost feel like I have a slight cold. I had a sore throat last night. I’ve had some lung tightness too, but I think that’s more of a weather thing than a medication thing.

It just seems way too extreme for perimenopause or even flares, though I don’t doubt that these things may affect the medication to a small degree. I seriously have doubts that I’ll ever be able to take the medication consistently without issues. Therefore, I’m not left with much choice other than to deprive myself of the medication if nothing else can be done.

I’ve been taking it every other day and yesterday I took it for the second day in a row. I was surprisingly anxious even with all I had going on to distract me and Tom’s presence. It really sucks to have this going on in what is otherwise a good life that I could be enjoying even more than I do. This anxiety has been keeping me from enjoying life to the fullest and I’m getting sick of it. If this is how I have to live for the rest of my life then I don’t know that I want to go on living. I really think this is the one problem that’s not going to get better.

I got up at 6 a.m. yesterday and we left shortly after 11. I waved to Mrs. Twenties on the way out. We then headed for Folsom and of course we got lost because I fucked up the navigation on his phone. So he pulled over by the prison, got it working again, drove under the Johnny Cash Trail, and made it to the dermatologist on time despite the wet rainy roads.

The office was nice and I loved the decor. Lots of beautiful nature pics on the walls. The PA I saw was friendly, prompt, professional and informative. She didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know but recommended Zyrtec when the irritation is bad. As I suspected, lichen planus never goes away on its own. I try to tell myself with the anxiety that nothing lasts forever but then again some things really do change and never do go back to the way they were. This type of rash is one of those cases. She said that it was okay to use hydrocortisone and keep up with the Aquaphor as needed. She said to let them know if I ever have any open wounds that bleed for no reason or that won’t heal because that can be a sign of skin cancer. I guess the Zyrtec is supposed to keep you from getting as drowsy as Benadryl can make you.

So we had an hour and a half to kill after the dermatologist and I then realized I’d totally forgotten to put my designer nails on. The black matte nails with the silver accents. Not only are my nails gross unpolished cuz I have ridges, but Kathleen always checks my nails for the latest design and we kind of have a little game going. So I ran into Target and grabbed a bottle of pink Insta-Dri polish that’s supposed to dry in 60 seconds. I’d say it’s more like 360 seconds but it’s still good stuff. I only needed one coat. Even so, if I didn’t have to spend so much time feeling anxious and worrying about how to deal with anxiety, maybe I wouldn’t be as forgetful.

We got a bite to eat at Sonic where you sit in the car and eat. So no blasting music or screaming kids. Just a couple of loud car stereos but fortunately that was on the road when we were stopped at a light. I did my nails in the car and by the time we finished, it was time to zoom over to the dentist.

Kathleen was so funny. There wasn’t anyone in the waiting room at the time but she was eagerly leaning over the counter with a wide grin on her face as she saw me approach and said something like, “There’s my favorite patient.”

I zoomed up to the counter and she immediately took my hands, complimented my nails and said my hands were so soft, LOL. Then she asked how I was doing and how my writing was going. I told her it was slow because I hadn’t been feeling well. She talks very softly and there was background noise so I can’t quote her on every word she said but she mentioned something about a women’s convention (or was it a seminar?) and she’s “taking me with her.” She said something about it being where they get together and all that and asked if I wanted to come. I have a feeling it’s probably religious or spiritual-based but I’ll try almost anything at least once.

I kind of saw her in a different light now that I know her real age, and yeah, I can kind of see that she’s older. She still looks remarkable for her age and I can see where it’s easy to think she’s around my age if you don’t know any better.

So Michaela and some young girl that she’s training took me to the back of the place where they did an x-ray they did four years ago. That’s where you bite onto a plate, smile, and a camera kind of goes around your head.

I then expected Holly to clean my teeth but she’s on vacation in New Zealand. Michaela told me she just got back from Thailand. A woman named Dora whom I’d never seen before did my teeth and she cleaned them a little differently, using an electric scaler that almost seemed like a mini drill. She had the suction hose in one hand and the scaler in the other.

Realizing that once again my memory had gone to hell, I ran into the waiting room to get my mouthguard from my purse when Dora was done. I commented to Kathleen about my memory going to hell as I was passing through and she said something like, “You’re great, Jodi.”

Yeah, really great.

Then the doctor did the final exam and said everything looked good and she adjusted the mouthguard to fit better over the new crown. She said she could just cut it off if I wanted but I think she adjusted it well enough.

She liked my rat leggings as did the rest of the staff, LOL.

Didn’t get to say goodbye to Kathleen on the way out because she’d left for lunch. I told Michaela to tell her I said goodbye. Now it will be interesting to see if she contacts me before my September 19th appointment and how she handles the news of my schedule issues and driving phobia, though I think she already knows I don’t drive.

We noticed two modern SUVs at the place that just sold and that the sign was down, too. If those were the new owners then I’m relieved that they have quiet vehicles.

In case I haven’t already said so, our azaleas are starting to flower in front and I noticed a few days ago that the trees are budding their leaves as well.

More to write about, including dreams, but I’ll do it in another entry. I’m just way too tired today.

Later…

Tom’s home and in bed now and I’m definitely feeling better than I did at the start of my day. If I didn’t know any better I would swear I was bipolar, LOL. I woke up to rain and tears, but now it’s sunshine and peace. Well, it is getting dark now.

I got to “spy” on him earlier. I told him yesterday that it would be nice to activate the GPS on our phones so we could always know where each other was in case anything were to ever happen. So we installed Life360 which is an app that will keep track of everywhere you go unless you go somewhere without the phone, of course. That way, if he were ever on his way home and appeared to be in the same spot for too long, this would tell me something was up. The absolute worst-case scenario would be the thing telling me he was in the hospital if he got into an accident but at least I would know.

I don’t take my phone with me when I go running. I take my old phone to play music on but maybe I’ll start taking this one. It would be good to have a phone I could call out on in the event of an emergency, and that way if he wanted to know how close or far I was from home, for example, when he wanted to go to bed or something, he could see if it was worth waiting up for me. It would also be cool to track anywhere I may go with Kathleen.

The dentist and I agreed that if I ever have a problem again, we would just fill it or pull it. Even though we could afford to pay for the crowns ourselves, it’s a bit rough for me to go through anyway. I just wonder what the damn insurance companies are going to drop next! I worry about them dropping spousal coverage with the way America is so independence-obsessed. They want everyone to do everything on their own and so I worry they’re going to be like, if your spouse wants to be insured then they need to get their own job.

I watched him make his way home and at first, I was confused because it looked like he was circling around the same area. I was like, what the hell is he doing? Well, as he’s told me before, he has to walk across a huge parking lot to get to his car. He works in Rocklin and I could see him pass by Kathleen in Roseville and then finally Citrus Heights/Sac.

As I was looking with dismay (not that I haven’t known this for nearly 5 years) at just how close we are to the Eisenhower freeway, the answer to my question as to why I hear so many damn planes was clear when I spotted the Sacramento McClellan airport nearby.

My lungs were tight most of the day but since I do have an inhaler and that’s one of the very few things I can use without side effects, I took a puff and it helped relax my lungs. Love how it has a counter. I’ve only taken one puff so I have 204 left. Would have been nice if they had counters when I was on them regularly in the ‘90s.

Tom’s shoulder is still bothering him so he ordered a sling from Amazon and I got a couple more boxes of Amberen.

The new mugs are nice and I love the new kettle. It not only looks nicer in person but instead of a whistle, it makes a 2-toned horn sound that’s kind of cool. It’s different. You would think someone was leaning on their car horn.

Aly’s not doing well either. While she was told that she may have some bleeding she’s got a kick-ass period going now and is afraid the Novasure didn’t work. Therefore, her hematologist ordered her for a blood test tomorrow. Her lab numbers were better than she thought, though, so that much is good. But she still has skin issues and dizzy spells.

Plus, Kim has been texting and messaging her a million times with the same old shit and I guess Kim got mad at her because she’s not around as much. That’s because she’s been blowing her off as Aly feels she’s not only selfish but she’s frustrated with dealing with someone who can’t remember shit, isn’t as innocent as she lets on, and doesn’t seem to want to do much to help herself. I haven’t heard as much from Kim myself and I’m okay with that for those very reasons. I feel bad for her family situation and I know that she has limitations as well as physical and mental disabilities beyond her control, but some things she could control more if she wanted to. The damn memory issues get annoying. I had enough of that with Andy. Bottom line… I always did warm Aly that Kim never has been and never will be a true friend. She has little to no empathy, intelligence or understanding. She lives in her own fuzzy little bubble of delusion and believes she can do no wrong even though she offhandedly has admitted to lying. She’s very contradicting and hypocritical as well.

Got to admit it’s kind of funny how I would follow their tweets when neither one was in touch with me and I would wonder why Aly would choose Kim over me. Yet now, instead of her bitching to Kim about me, it’s her bitching to me about Kim. Funny how life turns out at times.

Okay, I may still not have remembered everything I wanted to write about, but now I’ll get to the last two nights of dreams and call myself caught up enough.

I was living in a house that seemed to have bedrooms on both ends of the house. I walked out of the living room which was in the center of the house and down a short hallway to a bedroom at the end of it. I noticed a shoe in the hallway and that the closet door in the bedroom was open. This told me that a burglar was present and I doubled back through the living room and into another bedroom to look for shoes to run outside in. But none of the shoes that were in a small pile on the floor seemed to fit. Then Tom entered from a door leading to a basement. The dream ended as I stepped back into the living room and saw him. I swear someone else was standing at the end of the hallway, too. Sure hope this wasn’t a glimpse into a parallel life!

The worst dream that woke me up was the giant spider that didn’t look like a spider. Its body was elongated and it was covered in this grayish-white fir. I was outdoors on the ground playing with a cat when I glanced over and saw the thing nearby. I thought that I better spray the bastard because that was the second time I’d seen it. Then it crawled right over to me and the cat. Instead of jumping up and running, I was literally frozen in fear and that’s when I woke up.

Then Tom and I were invited to Bob and Virginia’s for dinner in the last dream I remember having the night before the dentist. I went to say something and it started to come out a little too loud at the same instant I accidentally bumped the edge of my plate which caused one side of it to bounce an inch or two on the table. This left me a bit embarrassed, haha.

In last night’s dream, I was hanging out by myself in some old trailer. The trailer was parked near water and when I looked outside one of the windows I could see the moonlight reflecting on the water.

Then I was looking out the window of this place at someone’s mutt barking at 1:30 in the morning. That better not ever fucking happen!

Lastly, I was in the backseat of a car that some guy was driving. Next to him was a large woman who was in her 30s or 40s. She had blonde hair pulled up in a bun. The guy was driving her to work and I was to accompany her that day and I guess help her out or something. He parked by a river or stream and he jokingly made like he was going to zoom right into it before he hit the brakes and brought the car to a stop. I asked if the water was cold and he said, “Hell, yeah.”

TUESDAY, MARCH 20, 2018 Being that I love to learn things, I browse educational videos at times on YouTube, and one of the most interesting videos I watched recently was one on how to spot liars by their body language, the way they say things, etc. I’ve known of several of these tactics for a while now but it was cool to learn even more. We all lie so I don’t mind white lies every now and then as long as they aren’t too often. But yeah, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I will sometimes say “fine” even if I may be feeling anxious or pissed off about something. So everybody lies to a degree. Once a person gets to the gray lies, however, I seriously start re-evaluating my friendship with them. Let’s just say that they better have a good excuse for going gray on me! Once they go black on me, though, forget it. I’m gone.

Doing loud projects during the daytime is annoying. Doing them into the evening is rude. Yes, sometimes I get sick of certain things, including chasing after those who obviously don’t want to keep in touch. I’ve waited on Tammy long enough and now I’m wondering how long it will take her to admit she doesn’t want me in her life.

10 minutes Bowflexing, 15 minutes walking outdoors, 20 minutes treadmilling. Why can’t I always be this consistent? Well, I was yesterday but today I’m deliberately taking a break. I was up 18 hours and unable to fall asleep until after 10 PM. Then I didn’t quite sleep 8 hours so I’m a little tired today. Exercise gives you energy and I would prefer to keep at least somewhat non-energetic so that I can sleep better tonight, get caught up, and feel rested for my two appointments tomorrow.

It’s supposed to rain for the rest of the week so the guys working on Geri’s place until nearly 7 PM should be giving me a break from the hammering and sawing for a while.

I talked to the “Twenties” yesterday while they were quietly working out front. I joked about having the rats dig up and loosen their soil for them. They don’t know who bought the house across from them, they liked my sparkly shoes, and they’re having weekend company from Delmar for a wedding. I’m sure I’ll hear every single car door slam, too. I just hope the hell they’re not staying in an RV on the street!

I now have 170 followers on Pinterest and another royalty payment coming. :-)

I still get random PMS symptoms but no periods or spotting, so maybe the dream I had a while back did mean something. But sometimes I’ll get really bitchy for no reason or start retaining enough water to fill the Sacramento River until my bladder throws a piss party like it did last night…at the very end of my day of course.

I took the baby Benadryl when I was anxious over the weekend and it didn’t seem to calm me down or make me drowsy. Took one last night when Sleepytime tea wouldn’t even knock me out and then I did fall asleep. I don’t know if I would have fallen asleep anyway or the Benadryl knocked me out because I was tired.

I took my meds today and was worried that I wouldn’t be anxious, but 3.5 hours later I’m still calm. If I can get to around noon, I’m golden. :-) 75 mcg a day comes to 525 a week. 50 mcg is 350 a week. Skipping every other day, which is about 37 mcg a week, is 260 a week. My new medication plan is to skip every Monday and Thursday, which will be 375 a week. I’m hoping to hell this will FINALLY stop the anxiety from biting in the first place when I go flaring.

Aly said her hematologist dropped her and wouldn’t return her calls and she doesn’t know why, so she had to get a new one. I wonder if A will drop me in June but a part of me hopes she will because then I have an excuse to get someone that not only may be more helpful and willing to work with me instead of against me, but that’s closer as well.

My hairline is noticeably thinner no doubt due to age and my thyroid, but when I read that Rogaine can cause chest pain, swelling, and a rapid heartbeat, I decided I’d rather go bald. I don’t have any bald spots but the hair is very thin. It seems to have thinned more after dying it so that probably has a role in it as well.

Last night I dreamed that Bob, who pulled an old charger from a shelf in his kitchen that had old albums on it, handed it to me and said not to be surprised if it didn’t work. Then it was as if I was inside his place in the living room where I could hear him snoring from his bedroom. I wondered where Virginia was and then I realized she was probably in bed with him.

Then I dreamed that Tom and I were getting into a car on a steep grassy mountain. Some car whose parking breaks failed started to roll erratically down the hill. I was urging Tom to hurry up and beat it down the hill before it had a chance to crash into us rather than wait and see where it ended up first.

Then I was walking on a street at night. I just turned the corner when I heard a loud vehicle approaching and hoped it wouldn’t turn down the street I was on because it was so loud. A split second later I was indoors at Aly’s place. She spotted me with no pants or underwear on and I was embarrassed at the thought of her thinking I shave my pubes, for some reason, when it only looks that way because body hair thins with age. Tom and I were getting ready to move there.

Then I picked up a voice message from Andy who was wondering why I hadn’t returned his calls. Realizing I been so busy with the upcoming move to Nebraska, I made a mental note to call him right away.

MONDAY, MARCH 19, 2018 Skipped my meds today and am starting to feel better. Sadly, my anxiety issues still point to either a direct connection to the meds or an indirect connection fueled by flare-ups. This means I may be worse tomorrow when I take my meds. Just because I feel okay now (not great but okay) doesn’t mean I may not feel worse later, however. I still want my thyroid removed, my dose lowered, or both. I just worry that A isn’t going to be willing to work with me and help me, thus forcing me into the pain in the ass of having to get another doctor. If worse comes to worst maybe I’ll see Tom’s doctor. He’s a guy, but being both male and Muslim, there’s never any waiting time. He’s also closer.

A guy who follows me on PB said a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar a day can help regulate cholesterol levels. I looked this up and that is listed as one of the health benefits of apple cider vinegar, but since I can’t drink the stuff straight up, I’ve added a tablespoon to my bottled water.

Aly had a shitty weekend between eczema, anemia, and an allergic reaction to something. She said she has to use a medicated body wash and is on what’s called a broad-spectrum antibiotic.

Tammy still hasn’t called and I’m through chasing after those who obviously don’t want to keep in touch. I don’t know if she’s fucking with me or if she’s got some seriously heavy-duty shit going on in her life, but as Tom pointed out, Tammy always thinks there’s drama going on. That’s just how she is. Oh, well. She isn’t going to die anytime soon. She would have told me if she was.

I wonder if, whenever she dies, it will hit the girls nearly a fraction of how hard their bastard father hit them when he died. Sure enough, I decided to check Becky’s wall to see if maybe she’s finally been able to move on at least a little, but sure enough, there’s a picture of her forearm with her new daddy tat. Would there be a mommy tat if Tammy died? Somehow I doubt it.

Tom is thinking of taking a week off in May. He may get his appointment moved up to the same week I have my ENT appointment and take that whole week off. That way we can do the second mural we want to do in the living room, maybe have the oven delivered then, and decide what to do about the roof.

Yesterday was surprisingly quiet but today I expect it to be pretty noisy as people get as much landscaping done in what may be the only day they can do it this week. It’s going to be raining from Tuesday on.

Last night I dreamed I was dragging a cardboard box with something wet in it that was leaking out of it towards the front door of Stacey’s house, only Stacey’s house was a big two-story house. When I opened the front door there were several wide cement steps leading up to the place and a fairly busy street about 50’ away. Some guy in a pickup slowed down and called something out to me.

Then there was something about Kathleen and my dentist but I’m not sure what.

Then I was asking Tom to evaluate my various body parts and he said he could see the muscle in my shoulders and abs but my legs looked flabby.

Now I’m going to go catch up on Bubbly before it gets noisy. Not sure if I’m going to keep copying links from there because it’s not like I’m ever going to want to go back and listen to what I said way back when. At least I don’t think I would.

SUNDAY, MARCH 18, 2018 We had to cancel the flower tea kettle because FedEx damaged it en route and then the seller, a drop shipper, ran out of them. Instead, I’m getting this cute pink flamingo kettle. It’s safe for gas stoves and I like whistling kettles, which is what it is.

I also couldn’t resist this adorable set of rainbow mugs I got a great deal on in which the rims are a different color on each one. There’s purple, blue, orange, red, green and yellow.

Finished Law & Order’s 18th year and now I’m watching the pilot of Seven Seconds. I’m liking it despite the fact that as usual, race has to be involved.

Yesterday we dyed my hair. It’s now long enough that it takes two kits, but would probably only need one if it was women’s dye. It’s a little darker than I’d like but better than gray.

Went to Walmart early yesterday morning and got black gemstone flip-flops with a slight heel, plus he got some black canvas shoes for himself. I’ve been wearing the same flip-flops for a few years now so variety is nice and black goes with everything.

Recently, I had been bitching about all the projects around here and said that next, Lawrence will die or sell his place. Well, the paramedics were there yesterday. They were there for several minutes but I didn’t actually see anyone get taken out, so I don’t know what happened. I just know it would really suck for that place to turn over while we were still here being so close to the bedroom. It wouldn’t be as bad as Bob and Virginia but more worrisome than the Twenties and Trisha.

Started copying my Bubbly voice post links into a Word doc file and backing them up on PB as well. This way I can quickly access the older ones if I wanted to, instead of having to scroll and scroll forever.

Skipped yesterday’s dose and I’m starting to feel better. I had caffeinated tea instead of caffeinated coffee when I got up, too.

Still nothing from Tammy. She’s either playing with me or she’s got something really serious going on with her or maybe it’s on Mark. I don’t know until she decides to take the time she takes to check in to Facebook to check in with me. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not good. She rarely has any good news. That’s just how she’s always been. And when she does have good news it tends to be exaggerated just like her bad news is.

Tom’s bad news is his shoulder injury. He thought it was his elbow at first but then he Googled his symptoms and found that it actually stems from his shoulder and is similar to the sciatic nerve injury he had. Icing it helps but it’s otherwise “so painful you could cut my arm off and I wouldn’t even notice,” he says.

Last night I dreamed I was lying on a gurney or table in an exam room somewhere. A woman I assume was a nurse, placed a hand in the center of my chest and said she felt clogged arteries in that area. Although I’m sure the dream meant nothing, it’s still not a thrilling dream for a dream premonitioner to have.

Then Tom and I were country-living again in the next dream in a house that we seemed to own, but first, I was at a buffet with someone loading up on all kinds of stuff. A guy behind the counter was talking about alcoholic drinks with the word rainbow in its name, so of course I was suddenly interested even though I almost never drink, LOL. But instead of getting the rainbow drink, I was home a split second later. It seemed to be a long ranch-style house I was in and I was looking out the front window for the pizza delivery I was expecting. I guess I was really hungry that night. The land around us seemed deserty with clumps of sage and a landscape that sort of slanted upwards as the sun was just about to dip below the horizon off in the distance.

When I looked out front I saw two cars had arrived and knew one was the pizza and the other was Tom. I had Alexa turn off the music I had playing before running to pull cash for the food out of my purse. I thought I was grabbing tens but instead, I grabbed single dollar bills in frustration just as Tom entered the place.

FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2018 Here we go again with the woodpecker that ONLY we hear. Yeah, I knew it would be starting up anytime now. This is the time of year they get more active. So now I’ll have to listen to this shit regularly for months.

Tom thinks the Amberen nurse is lying about me possibly being sensitive to the synthetic version of my medication because it’s her job to sell Amberen and therefore she would blame other things for my symptoms. I’m still going to bring up the possibility to my doctor, but if that’s the case, it should be illegal for people to have what’s supposed to be real nurses lying to people.

After taking my meds, sure enough, I got anxious and I’ve been having waves of anxiety on and off for the last 9 hours. So since Tom was home I took a Benadryl and that did help, but like most things, it only helped for a while. It made me really drowsy and caused me to nap for about an hour. I’m getting baby Benadryl to see if that will still help, even if it’s only a temporary fix, but without knocking me out.

Words can’t express how hopeless I feel right now. I really don’t think I’m ever going to return to me as I’d always known me to be before 2014 when this shit started. I just can’t believe that the problem will ever go away no matter what I do. I’m totally losing hope. This is the new me for life just like I got fat and that was the new me for life and I got farsighted and that was the new me, and so on and so forth. But there’s no fucking way I can live with this for another 20-30 years. Just no fucking way.

I am totally tempted to have Doc A refill my lorazepam and drink down the whole bottle and be done with this suffering forever, even if there may be an afterlife that’s a million times worse. It’s just that I’m a seriously gutless person either way. I don’t have the guts to go on and I don’t think I could ever muster up the guts to kill myself unless I lost Tom, and even then, who knows? Maybe I would be such a chickenshit that I would allow myself to starve in the streets or commit a crime so I could have food and shelter in jail. But yeah, this shit is really zapping my will to live. And instead of adapting, it just drives me crazier the longer I suffer. I don’t understand why I can adapt easily to some things while other things I can never get used to. I can’t get used to noise, I can’t get used to sleeping through noise, and I sure as hell can’t get used to feeling anxious. And I thought dwelling on us growing old and dying was the worst of my problems. I wish it was! I wish my TMJ, teeth, skin, noise or money were my worst problems. Even the fucking shitsters down in Arizona didn’t have me feeling so bad. When I would become overwhelmed with “anxiety” from having to stay in the 4-man cell; that still didn’t compare to this.

It would make it a whole lot easier on me if I could know for sure that this shit would stop upon reaching full-blown menopause. But you know what? I have a bad feeling it’s not going to be that easy. Especially since I would think I should be awfully close by now with only one period in nine months, even if the last one was only a few months ago. Even if there’s a connection, I still think the problem lies within the medication and or flares. Well, I can’t stop the medication and I can’t stop flaring. So where does that leave me? Trapped. That’s where.

I finally heard from Tammy who said she’ll be calling to let me know what’s going on, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I know it’s going to be the same old negative stuff about her health, and it’s not like I don’t care or empathize, but our chats are always about her health. It’s very hard for me to get a word in edgewise. If I didn’t say anything about my own life, she would ask little to no questions about me. It’s like how Aly gets frustrated with Kim. It’s all about her suffering.

It rained all night which kept the planes out of the sky. It’s not raining at the moment but it’s very wet out there.

I only remember a couple of quick dreams last night. Glimpses into parallel lives? Again, I wonder about this. I was walking along a snowy street in one dream. It wasn’t snowing at the moment but there were several inches on the ground. I glanced to my left and passed a few people hanging out talking but what may’ve been apartments. I got the impression I wasn’t in a great neighborhood with great people either.

I also dreamed that I was pulling some old dolls out of a box and setting them up somewhere.

THURSDAY, MARCH 15, 2018 Written Wednesday morning:

Even though I’m tired I want to document my discussion with a nurse at the makers of Amberen while it’s still fresh in my mind. I had mild anxiety throughout most of my day and then it got really bad. Sleepytime tea, Ibuprofen, emotional tapping… nothing was helping. Nothing. It would start to seem like it was backing off but then I would have waves of anxiety going through my chest. No racing heart, though.

I was sitting at my desk when I casually glanced at the box of Amberen sitting on it and the toll-free number written on the box. So I called and pressed the option for speaking to a nurse and told her that Amberen has relieved all my perimenopausal symptoms except for anxiety. She was surprised, saying that that’s usually the first symptom people find relief from. Then she said she suspected the cause of my anxiety may not be the hormonal fluctuations. This is when I told her that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and put on Levothyroxine 4 years ago. She asked me if my thyroid levels could be off and I told her they were a little high because if I take enough medication to get my numbers normal, I have epic levels of anxiety. She then said I could be sensitive to the medication. I told her that’s exactly what my gut feeling has always told me and that I never had a problem with anxiety until I was put on anything above 50 mcg. I told her that my doctor told me it was the same stuff our bodies made anyway and she didn’t think it was the medication. At that point, she laughed and said they love to say that because that’s what they’re advocating; that medication. Also, she admitted that she wasn’t a doctor and was sure my doctor would disagree with her but that my doctor was welcome to call them anytime. She also pointed out that while it may be the same stuff our bodies make, it’s still a synthetic version and so the body can react to it differently. The more I thought about this the more it made sense because no matter what great kinds of chemicals we may come up with, nothing can replace the real thing. It’s like baby formula. It can’t quite duplicate breast milk, can it?

She said I should really advocate for myself and get the issue addressed once and for all if I think the medication could be the problem. Oh, I definitely plan to advocate, all right. I’ve had enough of this fucking bullshit cycle year after year. Not saying I don’t have flareups or peri, but I think if I never had to go on this medication in the first place, I would find that I had little to no anxiety from the peri. Just the timing and the intensity of this shit is enough to indicate it’s tied to the medication. It wasn’t until they raised my dose that I started having these problems and it just seems way too intense to be on the peri. I need to be cut back or put on something else. I wasn’t on 50 mcgs for long and while it’s possible I could still have a problem on that after a while if I’m that sensitive to the synthetic version, I don’t think I would. Yes, my TSH will be in the teens on 50s, but before I was diagnosed and medicated it was in the 30s and I didn’t have anxiety. I tell you, it’s the meds. Another thing that points to the meds is that in the summer of 2016, the doctor told me I still had good estrogen. Well, if perimenopausal anxiety is caused by falling estrogen levels, then why have I been anxious since 2014? I was showing some symptoms then like some hot flashes, sleep disturbances, and periods that were becoming irregular. Tom says there are more hormones involved than just estrogen and I know this is true, so maybe I did really go into peri while I still had good estrogen. Sure felt like it started coming on around 2014.

Then she asked if I was waiting 4 hours to take the Amberen, which confirmed that she really knew what she was talking about because most people don’t know that you should wait 4 hours after the medication before you take even something like Amberen. Nothing should ever be taken with Levothyroxine except for painkillers and only if necessary.

I’m definitely going to start skipping doses more often to ward off the anxiety from setting in in the first place. I think the only reason I was doing better last fall was that I had gotten so fed up with the anxiety last summer that I started skipping every other day for two or three weeks and it took a while for my levels to build back up when I started taking it more often. I don’t want to do anything extreme and quit the medication altogether because my body still needs this hormone. There’s no need to be so black-and-white about it. All I’m saying is that I can’t take 75 or more anymore. It’s simply too much for my body no matter what anyone says and no matter what their fucking numbers say. Furthermore, the only way to find out for sure if I’m right is to actually lower the damn dose for a good 6 months or so and see how I do. If I’m still anxious then I’ll have no problem with admitting and accepting that I was wrong, and then take it from there. I can’t keep suffering like this year after year. It’s too much for me. Sooner or later it’s going to drive me to do something stupid if it doesn’t let up and I don’t want that either. It is a horrible, HORRIBLE way to live. It’s scary as hell. They say our gut feeling is usually correct. If my gut feeling says it’s on the medication, then it probably is, with or without flare-ups and perimenopause in the picture. Maybe in a few years I can tolerate this dose without issue, but I don’t think so. I just want to worry about right now anyway, not what might be the case in a few years. And right now I can’t tolerate this dose and it needs to be lowered or some other alternative needs to be implemented.

There is absolutely nothing going on in my life that should make me even remotely stressed out let alone anxious as hell. I may be annoyed by noise and other little nuisances like that in life, but there is absolutely no reason I should feel this way. Well, I’ve had enough! When my life was shitty prior to 2012 and I was stressing over money and our day-to-day survival, I STILL didn’t feel this way. Go into my pre-2014 journals and see how often you can find the word “anxiety.”

I forgot that I got Benadryl to act as the new Lorazepam but I might not have had the guts to take it had I remembered it. That’s the thing about anxiety… Everything becomes scary.

Tom thinks the peri is causing flareups because I still had anxiety the other day after a couple of skips, but that’s the thing about Levothyroxine… It takes months to leave the body. The shit’s still in my system. But I do get better overall when I back off.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother living. I could ask my doctor for a Lorazepam refill, down it all, and never wake up again just to have to deal with one long-term crisis after another for the rest of my life as I’ve always done. Believe me, it’s a tempting idea at times. I don’t need this shit and Tom doesn’t need it either. I almost wish I could ditch doctors altogether. I went to them 4 years ago and all they’ve done is make me worse. The foot doctor did get rid of my ingrown toenail, and my GYN helped me if only a little, but otherwise they made me worse, not better.

IDK, maybe there is something up there and this is its way of saying hey, I made you hypo for a reason, and this is the way it’s forcing me to be the hypo I was meant to be. But then why can others tolerate this drug without any issues? Why is it always me that has to have the problems? Being hypo is very annoying but it didn’t kill me, and if worst comes to worst and that’s what I have to be again, it won’t kill me this time around either. But you know what? I’d rather something - anything - kill me than let me live to suffer. Can’t take thyroid meds, can’t take statins… I get it, God. You want me to suffer. But it’s my life and my body and I say no more! I’m done with this shit and if death is the only way to stop the suffering, so be it. First I’m going to start with hoping a lower dosage is the answer. If not, I’ll decide what to do then. But I’m not going to keep suffering on and off year after year from what ranges from a horrible sense of irrational unease to downright terror. Hell, I even called Tom and told him about my chat with the nurse.

My own sister and nieces have been ghosting me and I wonder why. They’ve been pulling a Maliheh on me more and more. I’ve asked Tammy several times what the tests were for and what the results were when she told me on the 25th of last month that she was having a bunch of tests done, and she’s completely blown off my Facebook messages as well as the email I sent and the message I tagged her in on my wall. So what’s up? Because I’m not a God fan? Won’t forgive certain family members? Wish they would either tell me to fuck off or just tell me what the hell’s really going on.

Anyway, the rain kept it quiet yesterday but then we had a little bit of a dry spell in which the planes promptly began to make up for lost time. We’ve got to be in a flight path.

Took the 6 citrus teas over to next-door, and later slept shittily. Yes, something is always determined to fuck with my sleep. If it isn’t traffic, it’s something else. This time around it was ferociously loud thunder and then Alexa rebooting.

Aly had that Novasure procedure done yesterday and there were issues with her blood pressure, so she had to go to the hospital for a while. She said she was so sorry she wasn’t there for me after seeing my tweet about the anxiety, but I told her I know she’s there for me even when she can’t be.

Going through journals reminded me to check jail inmates again for the first time in a while, as I think I recently mentioned. When I found that Jailhouse Kim was in yet again for what’s got to be at least the fourth time, I couldn’t resist fucking with her so I sent her a letter saying that her friend contacted me on Facebook and asked that I send her a little “inspiration.” Yeah, go ahead, God, if you exist, and punish me. You make me suffer when I behave so why not for sending someone a letter that is no doubt going to shock them and make them wonder who the hell I am, even if she may have a good idea. I reminded her that she chose crime over her kids because I know it will really get to her, and while I appreciated the help she gave me to break me into jail life, I always resented her as well. She would be correct if she said I wouldn’t have the guts to say that to her face in person. Not with commissary and visitation to lose I wouldn’t. I also asked her what life with Jodi Arias was like, pointed out how much she must love prison if she keeps going back to it, mentioned some inmates I used to know (some of whom are there), and said a few weird things to keep her guessing and wondering. I wish I had an invisible camera embedded in the letter so I could see and hear her reaction when she gets and reads it. LOL

Even though I didn’t do anything illegal, I didn’t put a return address on and I didn’t leave any physical evidence, although I did address it by hand. I wonder if she got and saved my first letter? That way she can compare handwriting if she wants to. Kim may be a loser who would rather be in prison than deal with the real world, but she is intelligent. I wonder if she wonders if I’ll write her every time she’s hauled into prison. Yeah, maybe, haha.

I also wonder if she sees Rosa but I doubt it. I think Rosa is in something called the Santa Cruz Unit. The beggar is in the Lumley Unit. Pretty sure that’s where Jodi is.

Last night I dreamed I pierced my nose six times with these little tiny studded earrings, LOL. I did a group of three on the right lower side of my nose and then I somehow managed to do another group of three on the upper left side of my nose toward my eye. As I studied all the little studs in the mirror, I wondered if I should mention it to Tom when he got home or see how long it would take him to notice. Then I thought he might be worried that some were “too close to my brain.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2018 It’s a rainy night tonight as I begin to enjoy the awesome and huge variety of tea I got today. Half are decaf, half aren’t. I’m having eggnog tea now. I’ve got every flavor imaginable. I like black tea but I don’t know if I’m going to like the green tea. Green tea can make me nauseous.

I read on my box of Sleepytime tea that it has 25 mg of valerian root, and when I looked up valerian root pills online, I found that the average dose is 500 mg. I was shocked because I would think that if 25 mg can relax me as it does then 500 might send me right into a coma. A couple of people said the opposite, though, and that it made their hearts race. No way I’m messing with pills unnecessarily.

Not impressed with the honey sticks I got. I thought you stirred them into the tea and that they dissolved as you stirred them but apparently not. They’re like little straws and you have to snip the ends and pour the honey out.

My new sweatpants fit better being a smaller size and now all I’m waiting on is my beautiful tea kettle.

That strange vibration in my head is back again and a quick check said it’s menopause or Parkinson’s. I think I can guess which one it is.

I have what I believe are three different types of dreams. Reflection dreams based on what’s going on in my life, glimpses into possible parallel lives, and messages/dream premonitions. I don’t know if the right word is psychic, intuitive, or whatever. I just really wish the bad dreams/vibes would stop. Tammy’s giving me horrible vibes and then I dreamed something about feeling the need to get out of the state while I still could, like I would get sick or something bad would happen to me if I didn’t get out as soon as I could. I don’t know if someone was telling me this, or I just had this feeling, or I had a dream that I dreamed this.

At least Irene got to visit in my dreams. :-) I entered the kitchen as she was doing something by the sink and in German, she said there wasn’t any more milk. I replied in German saying that there would be more in the morning.

TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2018 Aly thanked me a million times for telling her about emotional tapping, saying that it helped her a lot when she felt like she was going to panic. The poor thing sleeps shitty and has to take a medication that makes her nauseous even with another medication to help combat that. Next week she’ll return to the lab to see if it helped. I hope so. I know she doesn’t want to have to have a transplant.

I also hope that the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything. It really sucked! Tom and I lived in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment that was in the middle of a strip of apartments all on one floor. The place was smallish and I could see it in vivid detail. There was only one entry door. You walked into the kitchen and then you stepped through a doorway to the right and into the living room. Then down the hallway at the opposite end of the living room was a bathroom to the left, then a bedroom, and then a larger bedroom straight ahead at the end of the hall.

There was a storm going on or something because all of a sudden I was standing in the living room and it was dark like the lights had gone out or something. There may have been a small dog in the room as I made my way to the door to look for Tom, whose voice I thought I just heard. When I opened the door and glanced outside, the wind was gushing unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I was now worried about him. It was very dark out and I couldn’t see anything or anyone anywhere. I was tempted to step out and look for him but I knew that our door would lock behind me if I did, plus I was barefoot. I woke up as I went to get my shoes on.

And then I also had snippets of dreams that only lasted a second or two. Something about Linda Ronstadt having medication on her bed for a yeast infection when we were in her house.

Next, I was hanging out with a few black people and one of them wanted me to call someone on a young black girl’s behalf. I was afraid to make the call in front of others, though, who were coming and going because I didn’t want them to think I was trying to get her in any kind of trouble.

Then I was watching a group of adults remove seatbelts from some kids that had arrived nearby in a small bus, suggesting they may have been disabled or something.

I loved having Tom working at home on the conference call last night. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if he worked at home during the night, slept during the morning, and maybe went in in the afternoon for a few hours like he did today. But then anxiety is anxiety and I can have flareups anytime, anywhere, with anyone around… or not. Felt great yesterday and so far today but I’m having my precautionary Sleepytime tea to see if that helps keep the anxiety from setting in in the first place.

I’m trying a new cleaning schedule to see if that helps me be more thorough. I hate dusting so much that I tend to cut corners, go too fast, and blow off dusting certain sections. This way, instead of going through the whole house in four days every other week, I clean something every day but just a small section at a time, ending up with the same sections every other week.

Andy has always been into multiple accounts much like Kim and Aly, so if he really wanted to see what he could see of my Facebook account, all he has to do is look in from another account… and find my link to Curious Cat. Well, someone anonymously slipped me a video of a black man giving another black man a verbal beating. Instinctively, I thought of Andy right away. It came at a time when I knew he would be up, too. When I jumped on the main feed, though, I could see that someone else got the same video, which bumped my doubt up a notch. Still might’ve been him, but if it was, why now? Plus, he’d probably be more likely to choose a video of whites defending blacks or blacks picking on whites to make a point. Oh, I remember those little “statement” pics. He was such a black lover and defender.

It’s raining today so I’m hoping that that will keep things quiet until I go to bed which should be around noon. It got up to 72 degrees again yesterday but I still slept well. In fact, I slept better than I did on Sunday because I didn’t wake up as much. I just had that shitty dream.

I feel totally ghosted by Tammy and the girls and I feel like they don’t really want me in their lives. I don’t know what the hell’s going through their minds for sure or what’s going on in their daily lives. I only know how I feel. I know Tammy’s got to be getting my messages. The question is… if she can take the time to check in, why not the time to make a quick reply more often? It’s almost like she gets off on having me wait on her like Maliheh did more and more before she ghosted me altogether. Not saying that they’re going to do that to me, but it’s like they’re trying to keep me at arm’s length. I know I should be okay with that and see the good in it because that way there’s less risk for potential conflict as opposed to if we were always around each other and in touch more often, but I feel like something’s going on that they’re not telling me. Sometimes I wonder if Tammy’s health is a lot worse than she wants to admit but I don’t think so. She loves to whine to others about her health. She’s also quick to let someone know when she has a problem with them, so that’s why neither theory makes sense. She’s playing with me or there’s something else up that I don’t know about.

I think I’m going to stay off Facebook altogether (I’m not into it anyway) and see how she reacts. Hello if someone messages me because I get notifications by phone. Like I would try to get myself to do with Nane and Maliheh, it’s time to make her wait on me.

MONDAY, MARCH 12, 2018 I’m actually typing this instead of using speech-to-text so I don’t disturb Tom’s meeting. Yeah, this is kinda fun, LOL. He’s being paid hundreds of dollars just to sit in on a business meeting via Skype. The original plan was for him to go in and work for about 4 hours. This is the first time he’s ever gone in on a Sunday that I can remember. When I got up to find he still wasn’t home at almost 7:00, I was a bit worried, though not alarmed. I figured there was some trouble with the system upgrade they’ve been implementing at work. So I logged into Skype and sure enough, that’s what was up. He didn’t get in till 10:00 and an hour later he’s still working on his business laptop and on Skype with half a dozen others trying to fix their problems. I guess no one’s going to bed tonight, LOL.

So with the combination of valerian root, his presence, and a peaceful night other than the planes, I’m in a much better mood than yesterday. Yeah, sorry about that but everything was getting to me yesterday and sometimes you just need to pitch a fit, be it verbally, in print, or whatever. With nothing to say there’s a lifespan to Hashimoto’s flareups like perimenopause has a lifespan, it can really give me a bleak outlook on things at times. I had been doing so much better with the anxiety, too.

It’s one of those things that when I feel good, that’s just it… I feel good. But when I don’t, things can often seem hopeless, leaving me feeling stuck and helpless. When I think of those who say that God helps those that help themselves I want to shove this wad of gum I’m chewing up their noses as that’s just a total crock, if there even is a God. I’ve been trying to figure this out for nearly 4 years now. However, I think I should pay more attention to the Ibuprofen/valerian thing. They do seem to help a bit. Maybe not as much as I’d like but I guess some help is better than none. I haven’t felt bad enough to reach for Ibuprofen the last couple of days, but Sleepytime tea is a real blessing. I was “bad” yesterday too, by indulging in sugary treats and an extra cup of coffee. I had just one cup today and am avoiding sugar and cholesterol as much as possible. My “un-statined” body doesn’t need the extra cholesterol anyway.

Anyway, when I don’t feel so well I try to remind myself that I thought we’d be broke all our lives and I was wrong. Nothing lasts forever. So hopefully the anxiety won’t either. It’s just getting hard to believe this mantra with each year that this shit continues to go on. Also, I’d rather be broke again than suffer.

Tom just said it’s no problem if I use speech to text because he can shut his door. The beauty of not having an open floor plan in this house is that sound doesn’t travel as easily throughout the place. Anyway, using speech-to-text has spoiled me. I pretty much hate to type these days but it’s still better than writing by hand like I used to many years ago.

He’ll be losing a lot of sleep tonight but making a shitload of money. Hey, this is Cali, where everything pays a fortune and then costs you a fortune. Apparently, I’m far from the only one on a wacky schedule here too, even if it’s not by choice in my case. When Tom retires he’s going to just sleep whenever he needs to sleep whether or not it’s at the same time every night (or day). We don’t believe in schedules even if I still wish I could keep one at times. He can adjust his for appointments in a day, though, if he has to. It takes me over a week to do that.

We went out at 4 AM yesterday to Walgreens where we got a few treats and another really cool set of designer stick-on nails. Metallic bluish-green with silver glitter accents.

On the way back we saw at least half a dozen rule-breakers, which didn’t surprise us in the least. You’re not supposed to park in the street overnight yet despite the park actually attempting to do something about this particular problem, people just don’t care. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.

Ordered some stuff from Amazon last night. Got another pair of purple sweatpants only in size medium this time because the large was too big for me.

Plus, I got a 100-pack of honey sticks that you use like coffee stirs in tea. They can be used as snacks or in tea actually. They even have chocolate sticks to stir into milk. Along with the honey sticks, I got a Bigelow’s tea sampler with 54 tea bags for just $13. That’s a damn good deal! There are only a couple I won’t like such as the orange and lemon zinger. You know I hate citrus.

Lastly, I got this absolutely GORGEOUS floral tea kettle with tulips, daisies, poppies and lilies. I figure I’ll just use regular tap water and save on bottled water which I prefer to put through the Keurig. This also gives me the option of making a pot of tea if I want to. Hell, if my Sleepytime tea keeps making me feel calmer then I’m going to practically drown myself in the stuff.

Slept better than I thought I would yesterday. I still woke up several times, but except for the time I got up to pee, I fell right back to sleep. Not once did I wake up from the motorcycles I expected to wake up from.

I have declared my CampNaNo project along with my bestie and will be looking forward to having fun with Reunion of Innocents, but will probably do that one just for fun and not for future publication. This will be the Palma reunion story.

Kim has done nothing but rant about her SIL to both Aly and I, and Aly feels she’s gotten very selfish in that all she wants to do is whine about her problems without bothering to care or ask about Aly’s. On top of that, there’s nothing more we can do other than what we’ve already suggested. I feel bad for her, but as Aly and I both agree, it’s unlikely that she’s as innocent as she’s claiming to be. Like it or not, Kim has always been a pathological liar and probably always will be. I don’t know how aware of her actions she is, but she’s incredibly contradicting at times. She’s told us that her mother is just as scared of her SIL, but then she said her mother squealed on Kim for not using soap or something like that, after using the bathroom.

She got fired from work for her attitude, but since the boss is a friend of the SILs, I guess something is going to be worked out. Also, I guess she and her sister want her and her mother to lose more weight but since they haven’t, they don’t get to go on their upcoming road trip to Georgia or some shit like that. It’s a strange family indeed.

SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2018 Waking up to the tune of power saws and hammering 4 days in a row is not a thrilling thing to have to wake up to. I am SO totally beyond sick of this shit and having to listen to one project after another here! You would think that getting up at 5 p.m. would spare you from the bulk of the noise, but now they’re working into the evening and daylight savings isn’t helping with that either as it only enables them to work later as it stays lighter later. The thing is that as long as it’s between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m., we can be as noisy as we want. :-(

I managed to sleep well today since they’re working on the other side of the house, but tomorrow, the motorcycle gangs are going to be waking me up like crazy. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on soundproofing material, extra windows, and sleeping with sound machines and earplugs, I STILL get woken up. So many vehicles are just so ferociously loud these days that one would need to be hundreds of feet away from the road.

I’m also kind of irritated with myself for not adapting and getting used to it after all these years. I’ve never lived in a quiet place yet. At least not as an adult. Auburn would have been quiet if it hadn’t been for Jesse and his damn dogs, but the world is never going to sound like it did in the 70s and even the 80s, so you would think I would have adjusted to this shit by now.

I’ve lived in many places yet never have I heard landscaping nearly every day or so many fucking projects being done. Not even the apartments I had in Arizona had this much shit going on and they definitely had more going on than when I lived back east. Plus, there is the insane amount of loud vehicles and all the plane activity here.

I thought they were working on the house behind Geri’s but they’re actually replacing Geri’s eaves. They just started on the other side and now they’re on the side closest to us. I can tell this is something that’s going to take weeks or at least several days.

Tom said that when he came back with the groceries after 10 a.m. there were half a dozen cars down the street just past Bob and Virginia so I guess there was something going on down there as well.

The house in back has sold so now it’s only a matter of time before I find out how loud their vehicle is. Hopefully, they won’t be parking by the bedrooms as they’re getting moved in and having their little housewarming party and all that shit.

So far, it’s been a peaceful evening. Can’t hear much of the freeway tonight which is only about 600 feet away. Not too many car stereos either, or planes. Wait. I take that last part back. I can hear some planes now.

I got an email from Maliheh even though it wasn’t really from her from some other country. It ended with ‘br’ and I’m guessing that’s Brazil. There was some link that I wouldn’t click on, of course, knowing it was either some type of spyware or a link to spam. I don’t understand how this particular scam works. I know one of her email accounts was hacked but this doesn’t appear to be from that account. Why not just make up a bogus name? Why use a real person’s name? I would have thought she would have recovered control of her email that was hacked by now but maybe not. Like I said, I don’t understand how this scam works. Lying bitch or not, I don’t think she did anything wrong. I think she really was/is a victim.

I went out running earlier with Tom and I ran both fast and long because I was pissed. Pissed at all the noise and pissed that the research Tom did on flares and thyroidectomies didn’t exactly tell me anything I wanted to hear. I’m really worried that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life even though Tom says he doesn’t think so and still thinks that the perimenopause is the root cause from everything he’s read.

Supposedly, if I got my thyroid removed, it may not be able to spit out bursts of T3 anymore but I would still have Hashimoto’s and so I may not necessarily feel better. Also, there’s a whole long list of things that can actually cause autoimmune flare-ups like cold weather and various forms of inflammation. That’s why they recommend Ibuprofen when you have a flare but it’s not something you want to take every day, of course, because it can cause bleeding in the stomach. If I weren’t in good shape and then I suddenly did something strenuous that left me sore, that could cause a flareup right there. But because I’m active and use my muscles regularly, I lower the risk of inflammation, even though there are other things that can cause flares.

I feel like such a hypocrite tonight. I have been bitching about seeing nothing but an endless stream of negativity online pertaining to the same old subjects, yet all I want to do right now is bitch, moan, rant, complain, cry and basically beat my head in the fucking wall, knowing that if there is a God up there this is all the more reason to hate its fucking guts for allowing me to suffer like this year after year when I’ve already had more than enough shit in life to have to deal with.

I’m just so fucking frustrated right now because I don’t see any real change in the near future, if ever. It would be bad, of course, to stop my thyroid medication altogether as that would only make things worse in many ways and the autoimmune disease may attack other organs and might even kill me, even if I didn’t have as much anxiety that way. But a few skips here and there definitely does help reduce some of the anxiety. My PCP knows I do this at times but I still want to discuss different options with her as far as handling flares when I see her in June.

Quitting smoking while I was young helps too, but I just feel like there’s a potential threat in everything. I can’t enjoy an occasional sugary treat without there being a risk of that triggering anxiety and the whole thing just really sucks shit. They now recognize asthma as an autoimmune disease even though mine’s been dormant most of the time since quitting smoking. But technically I have two AI diseases with a whole shitload of things that can make them worse and I might not even know what some of them are or realize that I could be doing something not very beneficial to myself. It’s a no-brainer that too much incense can make my lungs tight, but almost anything I do or eat could trigger flare-ups.

One of the many things he read that can cause flareups is hormonal imbalances so I’m still slightly hopeful that once I’m postmenopausal, the anxiety will lessen if it doesn’t go away altogether, but only slightly. After four years of this shit, it’s hard to hold out much hope of this ever going away. Like I said in a recent entry, I think this is the new me now and how I’m going to be for the rest of my life just like I one day got fat and I’m always going to be fat as well as farsighted and other things. Things change with age and they don’t always go back to what they used to be. Another thing that makes me doubtful that I’ll ever get better is that I actually feel like I’m through the worst of the peri because other symptoms have backed off. If my heart quit racing me awake, and other sleep disturbances (except for rude assholes on motorcycles) have eased up as well as the hot flashes, then why wouldn’t the anxiety have eased up by now as well?

UPDATE: Feeling better after a cup of Sleepytime tea. Valerian root really is a good thing. Something hit me after my last entry. You know how I said that most of my perimenopause symptoms have backed off except for the anxiety? Well, it hit me that I read that someone said that Amberen helped with all her symptoms except for anxiety. Maybe the same applies to me since I’ve been taking Amberen since last summer and everything but that has improved. In response to them saying this (on a doctor’s blog that wrote a book about menopause and such), the doctor recommended magnesium supplements to help combat the anxiety. Hmm…

FRIDAY, MARCH 9, 2018 Great news. I’m now 99% sure I know what’s been causing my anxiety on and off these last four years. Is it my medication? Perimenopause? Yes, but no. The question is whether or not I can get someone to actually help me with it and that would be getting me a thyroidectomy, but first, let me get other things out of the way before I get into that.

Sure enough, I was woken up four or five times today but I’m not tired, strangely enough. According to the weather forecast, the motorcycles are going to be waking me up like crazy this weekend. :-(

I’ve woken up to sawing and hammering for three days now. First, they’re doing a project behind Geri and now Geri is getting a new hatch to her crawl space. I’m sure it will take weeks too. But as much as I bitch about it, I realize it might have been worse. I would have had to deal with it longer had I gotten up earlier. But then I would just escape to the bedroom. I’m thinking of making that my permanent office because I’m tired of noise running me out of the living room. I would hear less of the freeway in the bedroom, including the fucking car stereos that can be heard mostly from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m. in warmer weather.

Right after I removed Campus Games because it didn’t seem to shake Maliheh’s negative review (unless I just didn’t give it enough time to reflect the changes), someone bought a copy of Evil. Hopefully, not Maliheh or a friend of hers to show they can leave a negative review on something they actually buy. Not unless she has a friend in the UK anyway because that’s where the sale came from. Either way, if I’m going to keep making sales, then I guess I may as well leave my books up, even if I never make much money from it.

Last night I dreamed I was gazing out at either a large lake or an ocean I seemed to live by. The water was bedecked with many sailboats.

Then I dreamed I was in a bathroom in a place that might have been very close to if not right on the beach. For some reason, I didn’t close the bathroom door and Tom entered the room in which the bathroom was off of. I told him I was peeing and he said, “Oh, I’m not even looking,” and went about doing something in what might’ve been a kitchen.

Okay, on with the flareups that I’m virtually certain are what’s been causing me to have intermittent anxiety ever since I began this damn thyroid medication. It’s known as an autoimmune flareup. The more research I did last night, the more it explains a lot of things. I always forget that it wasn’t the medication itself because it’s simply the same stuff our bodies make anyway, but I knew it was awfully extreme for perimenopause. Not saying the peri isn’t to blame at all. I’m just saying I know my body and what’s normal for me and it’s been obvious to me that there has been something going on that hasn’t been properly addressed and dealt with. But as I read on, things started making more sense. For example, just the way skipping doses can help. If the problem was mostly on the peri, cutting the medication back wouldn’t give me such noticeable relief. I tell you, the symptoms are too severe to be simply a case of “bad” or “rough” perimenopause which would just keep getting worse and worse like when I didn’t cut back the first couple of years hoping I would simply “get used to it.” The severe arrhythmia and palpitations, fear and anxiety I never had before in my life, severe constipation, losing 10 pounds in a week… perimenopause alone doesn’t do this. The more I would let the flareups go on without cutting back, the longer it would take to get relief after finally cutting back. When I was at my worst the last time which was in the fall of 2015, it took me three months to recover.

Flareups involve a sudden burst of T3 which can cause you to have symptoms of thyrotoxicity without the numbers showing up on your tests. This is why I never appear to be overmedicated when they test my TSH and T4. From what I read, the burst of T3 doesn’t last long enough to show up in the types of tests that they typically do on thyroid patients. But still, when the article I read described the symptoms, I had them all. A racing heart, feeling flushed in a way that isn’t quite the same as when you have a hot flash, feeling jittery, feeling like you have “too much energy.” It was me. It was all me.

Lowering my dose would prevent the flareups from making me so anxious but it would also lower the amount of thyroid in my system more than it should. Well, I don’t want to be low on thyroid but I don’t want to suffer from this bullshit cycle anymore either. I really think my best option would be a thyroidectomy and eliminating the root cause of the problem is what should be done for me. The problem is that so many doctors want to take the easy way out and do what’s easiest for them instead of what’s best for the patient. If I can’t get A to help me, I might have to drop her until I can find someone who will, even if we have to pay for it ourselves. A thyroidectomy usually costs 5 to 7 grand. I’ve definitely had more than enough of this shit but if worse comes to absolute worse and no one wants to address and deal with the real culprit or even lower my dosage, I will skip doses when I have a flareup like I’m doing right now. Sometimes an occasional skip isn’t enough and I have to skip two or three days in a row.

I’ve read good things about thyroidectomies and never heard anyone say they regretted having it done. I think even Tammy knows someone who had it done and felt much better afterward, but again, because it’s not life-threatening, even though you sure feel like you’re going to die if it gets bad enough, I don’t know if I can get anyone to help me.

Dr. O actually told me what it was and she was the only one that brought up the flares. Not sure they ever go away, though, like perimenopause eventually goes away but I haven’t yet found anything that suggests they have any kind of set lifespan. As much as my Dr. O was a stern bitch at times that reminded me a little too much of my mother, she was a genius. Most knowledgeable and helpful doctor I ever had and I almost wish she was my PCP as well. I don’t understand why A hasn’t taken my complaints of anxiety more seriously and looked into other causes other than just perimenopause. I get that she hasn’t known me all my life and that she doesn’t live in my mind and body to know what’s normal for me and what’s not, but still. So many doctors want to take the easy way out and mask the problem rather than get rid of it altogether. I’m tired of this roller coaster and I don’t want to try to manage or mask it with things like Lorazepam and other things that could have side effects when I can simply remove the problem altogether. I know it would mean having to double my dose because I would be going from a 50% output to a 0% output, but this way I might actually be able to take the medication more consistently if I don’t have the damn flareups making me so miserable. Even the psychiatrist herself said you can sometimes still feel anxious even with psych drugs and these drugs can stop working after a while, too. So let’s prevent it from happening in the first place by going directly to the source and getting rid of the problem!

I ran and downed a couple of ibuprofen after reading an article about that helping with flares since it’s a form of inflammation, and psychological or not, it did seem to take some of the edge off the anxiety. I feel better today because I didn’t take my meds today and I’m not taking them tomorrow either so as to lower the amount of medication in my bloodstream while I’m flaring. I’ll take it on Sunday, though.

THURSDAY, MARCH 8, 2018 I unpublished and then republished Campus Games. We’ll see if that shakes what I’m fairly certain is Maliheh’s comment for teasing her about using her name. LOL, it was still worth it. Maybe I can tease her about making her Socio, then she can leave a negative review on another book and I’ll do the same thing.

Maliheh never responds to the occasional email I send reminding her of my existence but I have no reason to think she doesn’t at least read them, hoping I’ll be dumb enough to say something she can hang my ass with.

Actually, it doesn’t look like it got rid of the review. Maybe because I didn’t change anything after unpublishing it. Either way, I’m torn between leaving what’s there, deleting some books, and deleting all of them. I just don’t see the point of turning something that’s fun into all this work if the profit isn’t going to be big enough to make it worth the effort. For the most part, there’s only money in writing if you’re famous or infamous and I definitely don’t want to be either one of those. It’s been a fun and interesting journey but I think for the most part, if not for the whole part, it should be what it’s always been meant to be… just a fun hobby.

I also admit I’m a touch embarrassed at the thought of some people I know reading them like Kathleen, just like I came to feel that way about my journals and became pickier about who I share them with. Between the explicit scenes and some of my older stories and the fact that I’m not the greatest storyteller, I’m a little self-conscious when it comes to the idea of certain people reading them. I should never have told just anyone that I’m an author, just like I should never have told anyone I know that I keep a journal online.

Unless people really can buy my books without me knowing it, Kathleen hasn’t bought anything, and since she hasn’t thus far, she likely never will. I think she’s more conservative than I ever realized she could be, no matter how much I may be “in her heart.”

The noise continues to be obnoxious most of the time. Loud vehicles, projects, landscaping, freeway traffic, car stereos (usually from outside the park) and plenty of plane activity. Even the nights aren’t always quiet. It’s after dark now and while I don’t usually mind the whoosh of freeway traffic, I hear the annoying buzz of planes and the occasional thumping of bass. Tonight I even get to listen to a catfight. I thought it was a couple of little kids screaming at first.

Anyway, despite the technology we have today to make things quieter, this is life in most places. Nothing I can do about it. Hell, most vehicles weren’t even this loud 50 years ago, and in some ways, this place is noisier than Phoenix was and that place was rocking. There I didn’t hear freeway traffic and car stereos throughout the night, oodles of projects or daily landscaping. Sometimes I even hear construction on the freeway being conducted in the middle of the night. I don’t think I even heard trains at night in Phoenix. I hate to think of what the world will sound like in another decade or two! I would think that by then people would have had enough and would do something about it but that’s what I thought years ago regarding car stereos. I think most people either don’t mind or don’t notice noise. The only thing I’m able to tune out at times is the whooshing of the freeway traffic because it’s a fairly consistent sound. Like I said to Tom, though, no sense in even trying to get a quieter place at this point whenever and wherever we move to. We should just focus on price and climate. Noise will be a part of my regular life for the rest of my life just like anxiety, obesity and shitty vision will be.

I was reading back on some old journal entries where Molly and her mother stalked and harassed the shit out of me online for years, following me from one site to another. You would think by now I would just laugh at some of those old memories and their immature silliness, but I actually felt a surge of anger. They’re lucky I didn’t go after them. It’s only that we were flat broke at the time that saved them from me. However, spells have long since been cast as I’ve done both consciously and not with those that have crossed me over the last couple of decades and irreversible consequences have befallen them because of it. I regret some of this and these days I definitely do prefer to simply ignore those I dislike, but sometimes we can’t call off what negative energy we may put out there.

I do take some of the responsibility, however, for using sites that didn’t have a block feature and that basically provided pathways of opportunities for them. I guess I felt that by dumping those sites altogether, I would be letting them control me and therefore they would win. I think I also wanted to provide them with a chance to really incriminate themselves at times. But these days I wouldn’t give a shit if you wrote that I was a mass murderer using my full name or even if you directly threatened me because words are just words and I’m not one to run to the cops, not that I trust them much, over stuff people say or write. Also, most sites have block features nowadays and the few that don’t, well, no site is so valuable to me that I would have to put up with anyone’s shit in order to keep using it. Unless someone were to physically force their presence on me by kicking my door down, all trolls are easy enough to avoid on almost any site, including email and phone services. So…as quickly as you unzip your mouth, I can zip it right back up for you in a heartbeat. :-)

I had a nightmare in which I’m certain something bad happened to me but I don’t remember what. It was bad enough to wake me up and it’s too bad I don’t remember so I can have a sense of what shit I might be in for that would almost certainly be some physical problem.

I do remember a dream where Bob and Virginia were supposedly in jail for many years but “jail” looked just like their house does. I don’t know what they got in trouble for but they were allowed to take their house to jail, haha.

Then there was some dream about the three of us running our hands over some bundles of yarn and marveling at how soft they were.

For now, I should quit being lazy and try to coax myself into working out because chances are I’m going to be too tired to work out tomorrow after having my sleep disturbed numerous times. I wish they would come early at 8 o’clock like they did a couple of weeks ago but I’m sure that was a fluke.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2018 I love my cousin Norma. She’s a very sweet lady and all that but damn does she drive me crazy with all the negativity! All her posts are negative and the more I get to know her, the more I’m surprised at just how judgemental she truly is. She’s just as judgemental as I can be but in a different way. She has this bleeding heart for blacks and Muslims that most “politically correct” people have these days and it just gets old. I get tired of these troublemaking groups getting so much praise and pity that most of them simply don’t deserve. I almost felt a little offended when I confided in her how I was legally discriminated against by blacks (oh, it wasn’t just in retaliation for the city complaint), and she couldn’t seem to accept that yes, whites really do sometimes get discriminated against by blacks. The media just doesn’t focus on those cases nearly as much as when it’s the other way around. I kind of get that if you haven’t experienced something firsthand it may be harder to fathom, but that doesn’t mean that these things don’t happen or that I wasn’t just as much of a victim as some of them are even though the media won’t tell you that and you might not get how that’s possible in a world that believes blacks can do no wrong… Ever.

I “snoozed” Norma for 30 days. Again, I love the woman but the constant negativity, regardless of the subject matter, has a way of bringing just about anyone down. She’s got to be pretty miserable herself. How can she not be? I realize she lost her husband which doesn’t exactly put one in a great frame of mind but she was like this before Milt died. As I learned a long time ago, the more we focus on negative things or things we can’t change, the more depressed, angry and frustrated we feel. She’s in her late 80s. I would want to spend whatever time I had left surrounding myself with goodness and positivity. But it’s her life and she has to live it as she sees fit. Meanwhile, I don’t have to hear it every day. :-) That’s what the ‘unfollow’ and ‘snooze’ buttons are for. I get that it’s human nature and that we all get a little repetitious at times, but I would still rather avoid regular negativity as much as possible.

I’m only sharing this with Tammy because I trust that she’ll keep it between us. No need to hurt anyone’s feelings when it’s easy enough to ignore people, just like some people may want to ignore me and all my rats. :-)

Aly DM’d me to say that Jase thinks she should get the transplant done but is worried she would be in the hospital for three weeks.

But if it’s going to help her in the long run, it may be a good idea. I’m not an expert and I don’t know all the details but she said that transfusions are time-consuming as well. Maybe the transplants will lessen her likelihood of having to have transfusions and other medications with nasty side effects as well.

Anyway, I’m still looking forward to meeting the highly creative, intelligent and androgynous “Agent P” come September!

TUESDAY, MARCH 6, 2018 We’ve all gotten scams from phishers pretending to be from companies we’re familiar with like banks, major websites, and other things like that saying we need to log in to “verify” and update our information, but I was surprised to get what I’m pretty sure is a scam in the guise of my medical group. I was smart enough not to click the link and give out any information. Besides, this thing actually wanted me to create a new account and the link wasn’t the same as for their site. The only thing that was different about this scam was that there weren’t the usual misspellings and poor punctuation and grammar that you usually find with most scams. I’m not going to do anything about it, though. All my info is up-to-date and if it’s really them and they really want to verify my info, they can call me.

The question is why anybody would want medical info if it is a scam? That’s all that would be there. Not any credit card info but just health info. I also wonder how they knew this was my medical group. Did they just send the same thing to tons of people or is it aimed at me personally? I don’t think it’s just me but if anyone out there is that curious, I’m relatively healthy. I have Hashimoto’s, a little anxiety from perimenopause that’s getting closer to menopause, and sometimes my BP is a little high. Same with my white blood cells and cholesterol. Oh, and I’m a little heavy too, but not much right now. I’m pretty fit for one in her 50s and I rarely get colds and almost never get the flu. I’ve only puked once this millennium and had just one infection this millennium (dental). Happy now? :-)

Nothing from Amazon today. Gee, what a surprise. I’ll have to decide whether or not to temporarily unpublish the book which will delete the negative review or just leave it there since no one likes everything and it doesn’t seem to be affecting sales. No one in the arts and entertainment can please everyone so yeah, it can stay.

Something from FedEx came today although it wasn’t for us. When we Googled the address it showed our house but Google doesn’t always get it right. I took the package next door and asked if they knew who the person could be and they had no idea. Being an even number we knew it was the inner circle. Virginia asked if it was flowers or Sees Candy, saying it would be worth keeping in that case. LOL, nope. Just a car part.

Their place looked beautiful and immaculate as always, and Bob had a rifle by the door. I don’t know much about guns so it could’ve been a pellet gun or a shotgun (but then aren’t those the same thing?) Or something else. I can only say that it was long and definitely not a handgun. Or an assault rifle for that matter. Hmm… Does he have it for protection or is he a hunter? This is one of the unlikeliest places you would need to protect yourself from a home invasion and it seems too big for protection, so I’m guessing the latter.

Tom contacted FedEx who said they would pick the package up but they haven’t yet. If it’s still here late tomorrow then I’ll do their damn job for them and give it to the proper house. It’s just beyond Geri.

Wanting to see exactly whose house is up for sale down the street, we decided to walk around the circle. It is Ray’s. Yay, if he’s the one with the loud mutt that’s been annoying for years every time it’s walked. Never cared for the guy either.

Oh, the rules people love to break here. Someone further down the street has three dogs when you’re only supposed to have two here. They’re very tiny and I don’t think they’ve ever been annoying, so people can break all the rules they want as long as it doesn’t affect me. Maybe someone was visiting with one of them though I doubt it.

Again my dreams were too vague to really know what to make of them. A quick flash of me looking at a picture of feet on pointe with bright pink ballet slippers that were hanging on Tammy’s wall. Me touching an exterior wall in some living room and noticing it was warm because it was hot out.

I feel a bit wound up tonight. My heart was racing earlier, though I’m not actually being “stabbed” in the chest with anxiety. I thought part of it may have been because I was running around, lifting heavy stuff, and then it got a little warm in here as well. Or maybe it’s still the peri. The fact that my heart hasn’t raced me awake for a while and the fact that I’m sleeping better (along with how long it’s been) tells me I’m getting close to menopause. But then why do I still have some anxiety? That can’t be a good sign. I still worry that my meds are part of the problem.

Aly, who had a bone marrow biopsy a couple of years ago which she says is very painful, is hoping to avoid having to have another one. Where my white blood cell count numbers range from 11-13, hers range from 19-21. I know she’s had transfusions as well as some medication called cyclosporine. She says a bone marrow transplant is the absolute last resort as it probably wouldn’t be covered. I just hope to hell that whatever the bad things are in her blood they don’t turn into leukemia. Unfortunately, I think I read that it usually does. If that’s the case then hopefully that’s many, many years away. The hematologist I saw said that it’s something that starts up slowly then quickly escalates. But I’m 14 years older and my numbers are lower. Mine aren’t likely to get any higher. My dreams haven’t hinted at anything worth worrying about either.

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 2018 Nothing like sipping a cup of Butterscotch Blondie tea while dealing with a bunch of incompetent idiots at Amazon Publishing. Yeah, the perfect way to spend the day. eye roll They replied to the message I sent asking how someone could leave a review, negative or not, on an item that didn’t yet seem to be purchased or borrowed and what do I get? A reply saying they’re forwarding my information about having the review taken down.

I didn’t ask for it to be taken down. I asked why people can review things they didn’t buy. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten nowhere with them and left feeling frustrated. Funny too, because the whole idea of self-publishing through them was so that I wouldn’t have to deal with headaches like this. I didn’t want the pressures of contracts or someone else to do my editing for me and pick out my book covers. I wanted to go at my own pace and have more say in things without the deadlines and other bullshit. But apparently, you can’t get straight, helpful, sensible answers this way.

I finished watching the latest season of Bates Motel. It was fantastic. I try to imagine a real-life person with MPD and I just can’t do it. I don’t see how it’s possible to suddenly believe you’re all these different people while “yourself” isn’t even aware of it. To me, it seems like little more than just one big act either for fun, sympathy, or to try to get out of a bad situation like some people do that conveniently claim amnesia when questioned by the police. Amnesia is an easy scapegoat and I can see where MPD would be as well. Like blaming something on an evil twin, it just seems like a bunch of hogwash. Like I could have been someone else - anyone else - a half hour ago and not know it. Yeah, right! Really, the shrinks who fall for this shit and suggest it as a possibility are just as bad as the patients putting on these acts for whatever reason they’re putting them on for.

Now that I’m caught up on Bates Motel, I’m watching the 18th year of Law & Order SVU. The cast is getting up there in years but still looking good.

Last night I had another dream that again made me question the possibility of parallel lives, but unfortunately, I can’t remember it.

I know we sometimes have reflection dreams that are influenced by life events reflected in our dreams. Like if we worry about money, we’re likely to dream about money. But why have I had so many dream premonitions? I wonder what that’s all about and what causes these things to happen. And why are some of us more prone to them than others?

Aly and I decided to tell Kim about Curious Cat and she joined earlier. Maybe she’ll liven it up a bit even though we know she’ll ask the same old questions that she already knows the answers to. But will she send the same nasty questions she did on Ask? My guess is no. Not at this point.

I don’t know if Aly is a hypochondriac or just cursed in the health department. I’m guessing maybe both, but either way, she’s hoping not to have to have a bone marrow biopsy. It’s both painful and not likely to be covered by her insurance. Again, I can’t believe this world we live in. If you get in trouble, you get a free lawyer (a joke of one or not) but if you can’t afford life-saving medical treatment, you die. Makes me wonder… What if I’d gotten cancer when we were uninsured? Would I be dead now?

SUNDAY, MARCH 4, 2018 Got some air freshener, a round decorative rock with gold paint and sequins, and a pink gemstone-tipped pen at the dollar store. I could use the rock for hot plates and pots as well as for decoration.

We stopped at McDonald’s before the dollar store where he got a burger and I got chicken nuggets. It was good even though it was a bit of a wait.

When we came home we hemmed my new purple sweatpants with fabric glue, and other than some sawing and engine gunning, it’s been a pretty quiet day. Still a lot of loud vehicles, though. I still don’t get why there are so many. It’s so unnecessary with today’s technology yet Tom said they passed some ordinances against vehicles that are too quiet in some places for pedestrians’ safety. rolls eyes If you’re dumb enough to cross the street without looking first then you’re kind of asking to be hit.

Remember how I said several entries ago that a few people attempted to leave good reviews on my books and they wouldn’t go through? Well, apparently I’m only allowed visible reviews as long as they’re only one star. Yeah, “Written in a very elementary manner,” someone going by M wrote on Campus Games. Funny too, because when I read the half a dozen other reviews they’ve left, most of which are also one star, they weren’t exactly a very good writer themselves given their lack of punctuation and caps.

Kind of wonder if it’s Maliheh or someone connected to her. She wasn’t a reader but that’s the thing; you don’t have to actually purchase the item in order to review it.

Either way, I get that everyone gets negative reviews at times and I’m okay with that because I don’t think negative feedback is going to affect my sales one way or the other any more than positive feedback because I’m not famous…or infamous.

I replied with: I’m sorry you didn’t like the book. No one’s ever said (at least to me) that I write in an elementary manner, and I’m pretty sure Amazon wouldn’t publish me if they felt that I did, but I understand that one style doesn’t fit all and that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Still, I thank you very much for giving it a try!

I got to thinking about the negative book review and then it hit me… How does someone leave a review on a book that hasn’t had any purchases or borrows yet, according to my book reports? Campus Games is a newly released book. Maybe if it’s lent to someone the buyer knows it can escape my reports or something like that? I don’t know, but out of curiosity, I sent a message to Amazon asking if it’s possible that not every borrow or lend shows up on my report.

I’m really starting to suspect it could be Maliheh. They go by just “M,” they have no profile picture, and the few things that have been reviewed by them do seem like things she may get. The poor writing style fits in with her as well. The first review goes back to last August.

But if it’s her, why that book and not the one she inspired? Maybe the idea was to “punish” me with negative feedback for the email I sent her teasing her about using her real name in Evil, and to throw me off her scent by leaving the review on a different book. It’s not important either way but being the naturally curious person that I am, I can’t help but wonder if it’s someone I know. The biggest mystery is how the hell they reviewed something that’s not showing up on my reports. I wish Amazon wouldn’t allow anything to be reviewed without a verified purchase.

Anyway, if this was an honest-to-god review and not just someone messing with me, I will admit that I first wrote this particular story in 2004 when I wasn’t as experienced as a writer as I am now. But I thought I did some pretty serious editing on it before submitting it.

Anyway, it’s been absolutely freezing. I feel like I’ve been freezing my ass off for many months. I wish it would hurry the fuck up and warm up already! It is going to be warm enough for motorcycles next weekend which sucks because I’m going to be sleeping in at that time as I flip my schedule for my appointments. Chances are I’m going to be woken up that day and probably Friday too when the trash and green waste trucks make their way in. I swear I’m never again going to have a bedroom so close to a busy street or any street for that matter! As I was telling Tammy, forget trying to find quiet. Quiet just wasn’t meant to be for me. But I can definitely do better than this and no possible friendship with Kathleen is worth sticking around for. I don’t even know what “let’s keep in touch” means. Does it mean “let’s get together once or twice a month” or “send me a Christmas card every year to let me know how the year was for you?” Tom thinks it’s the latter. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m fine with whatever she wants. I’m just tired of being cold so much of the time!

But not as tired as I am of the anxiety. I started to feel it well up in my chest earlier, but a cup of Sleepytime seemed to help it. Tom thinks it’s simply because it’s Sunday night and I wish he were right, but if it’s anxiety over anything that’s going on, then why didn’t I have this feeling when we were struggling financially? I know it’s tied in with either the medication or the perimenopause, I just don’t know which one is most responsible for this shitty feeling. Maybe all those articles really have a point too, when they talk about how fast food and sugary treats induce anxiety. I’ve had two candy bars these last two days, plus I went to McDonald’s.

Now I’m going through the dilemma of whether or not I should skip tomorrow or just see if I can tough it out and see how bad it ends up getting. If I could just tough it out, I could lose an easy 5 to 10 lb. But there is no reasoning with myself once it gets to the point where my heart is racing and I’m terrified. Once it goes from a shitty feeling to a scary one, I’m pretty much fucked and it’s no way to live. I’d rather gain weight than go through that. So I guess I might skip tomorrow or at least cut my waiting time in half.

Another dilemma I’ll be facing in June is whether or not to tell A that I’m going to skip weekly to prevent this from happening in the first place or ask that she lower my dose.

If I can make it to the end of the month without a period then that will mean I’ve had just one in 9 months. Really wish I could get to November without any periods because then I’ll know for sure if it’s the meds or not making me anxious. It will be interesting to see what my estrogen levels are when I’m tested in June. I keep going back and forth in my mind between the causes. Both the meds and the peri make sense but they also don’t.

While I’m on the subject of life’s little mysteries, how about peeling back in time to 1996? Pretty sure they said in court it was something like 1996 or 7 that I sent the freeloaders the threatening letter but that they didn’t have enough evidence to go after me then. Then how does sending journal excerpts suddenly turn an incident that’s lacking in evidence into an incident that has sufficient evidence???

I’ve been feeling more and more alienated by Tammy even though I know I shouldn’t. For all I know she doesn’t contact many others any more than she does me, and with us not having much in common and her not being the greatest writer and therefore easy to understand, it’s probably better this way. But how much does she really want me around? As in near where she lives? Maybe the fact that she doesn’t pester me online shows that she wouldn’t do that in person either. It’s just that she can’t get from me online what she could get from me in person. She had me babysit for her, for example, those few months I lived in Connecticut. Had the Internet existed then, she couldn’t have used me to babysit online. The only way to know what she’s going to do is to live close to her if we do.

When Alexa told me that Ocala was 40° last night, that pretty much got that place off the table of possibilities. That’s almost as cold as it is here. It was 55° in Cape Canaveral and 59° where Tammy lives as well as in Fort Lauderdale. Now that’s more like it! It really would be best to get as close to the coast as we can afford and not go too far north.

I was quick to say we probably couldn’t afford the high-rise apartments on the beach my parents lived near while we were looking for a place and deciding exactly what town/city to settle in, but maybe we could if it included utilities.

I also wonder… Is Tammy’s place really that much quieter than this place or does she just not notice noise as easily as I do? I’m very hyper-aware of sounds. I didn’t hear anything the times I was visiting but I was only there for a tiny fraction of the time she is. Maybe we just have different definitions of what’s noisy and what’s not because she said there were some trucks that use diesel but because they’re going so slow they’re not that loud. Well, they sure are loud enough here even when they’re sitting there idling. I realize that everybody has their own tolerance levels when it comes to noise. Obviously, most people don’t mind loud car stereos otherwise they wouldn’t still exist after all these years. But when I hear them booming down the freeway, I most certainly do notice them, deaf in one ear or not, and I definitely consider it noisy. Most people might have considered all the frogs in Auburn ribbiting up a storm after a rainstorm to be a noise nuisance, and while they were definitely just as loud as Jesse’s mutts, they didn’t bother me in the least.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3, 2018 Got some new flavored teas I’m looking forward to trying like chocolate, butterscotch, and Vermont maple ginger.

Right now I’m waiting till my vegan spinach pizza is ready and totally agree with Tom that it will be nice to have Amazon deliver groceries once that becomes available in Citrus Heights. Walmart is constantly going out of stock and there are always issues with their system. You would think they would be able to afford to be more functional and consistent but I guess they just don’t care to be. For now, we may check into Raley’s home delivery service even though Raley’s is more expensive.

Again I mulled over in my mind all the pros and cons of moving while he still working versus waiting until he’s retired. The smart thing to do would definitely be to wait until he’s retired, but like most people, we don’t always do what’s smart.

I have two dilemmas I’m facing. To do smart or stupid, and to do close to Tammy versus not so close. This may be a horrible thing to say, but a part of me wishes she would die now so she would not only stop suffering but also so that I wouldn’t have such a hard decision to make.

Haven’t heard much from Tammy since she last picked up my messages about a week ago. She usually only picks them up once a week. I still wonder if she gets them all to begin with because I asked her about her test before the last time she picked up my messages and still haven’t gotten a response. Oh well. She will update me when she’s ready. The dreams I had a while back about her really don’t surprise me much. People don’t just suddenly up and lose their appetite for shits and giggles. I’m guessing it’s a side effect of some medication she’s on, and she’s practically on a whole pharmacy’s worth. Plus there was that dream even further back where she was really frail. I know I told her about it, too. At 60, she’ll likely live for another 20-25 years, so hopefully they’ve been able to find something to lessen her pain so she can be more active. The weight loss should help with that.

That loud car has been coming around more after not being around for weeks. I hope it isn’t thinking of returning anytime soon.

Alexa lost her mind yesterday and wouldn’t listen when I commanded her to turn the lights on in certain rooms and then I found her trending on Facebook, so I knew they were having issues. They fixed it soon enough, but in the meantime, Tom said he was considering turning lights on and off from his phone when he was at work as a prank on me. LOL, I thought only I considered pranks like that.

Texted with my bestie yesterday and noticed it didn’t even feel like there had been a nearly two-year gap in our friendship. We carried on as usual and it was nice. I definitely missed her and would look at my phone with a sense of loneliness during that gap.

Was running journals through Grammarly when I came across the time I surprised Kim from jail with a letter. Remembering that she was released in January of 2017, I ran her name out of curiosity, and sure enough, she went back in last fall for another 3-year stint and won’t be out until 2021, 2022 at the latest. Same shit… narcotics. She’s lost weight and looks horrible as do most druggies.

Now, this is someone who genuinely wants to be in prison. This is her third time in that I know of and she’s now 40 years old. She’s got to have spent around half of her adult years locked up. It’s sad but true that many people prefer the prison life where they don’t have to worry about bills and where everything is done for them despite their loss of freedom and options. She probably found it very hard to make her own decisions when she was last out being so used to having them made for her and struggling to survive on her own. After all, as a career criminal, you can’t exactly get a decent job anywhere. I feel bad for the two kids she said she had (probably has more by now) because she basically chose crime over them.

Last night I dreamed that it was late at night and Maliheh was driving me home. Andy was with us. We were all sitting in the front seat with her at the wheel and Andy between us. I had an apartment somewhere and when I got to my building, I had to punch in a four-digit code in order to activate the elevator that would bring me to my apartment. But once I got to the keypad I realized I’d forgotten the code. I was pissed because it was too late for the office to be open that was on the ground floor.

Strangely enough, when I woke up in real life, Tom was asking me what the four-digit code was for one of our tablets.

In the second dream, I also didn’t seem to know Tom but my parents were still alive. I was telling Andy over the phone that I won 33 million dollars and that the dream house I always wanted was going to happen. I just didn’t know where or when. I was to meet with my parents in some building that night to pick up the money which was to be in bundles of cash. At that time I planned to surprise each family member with a million bucks of their own.

Gia’s (I have the Gia head on this month) make-up remover arrived today and I am totally amazed by how well it works! Really thought the stain on her leg from the lipstick I put on her nails would be permanent. With Tom’s help, we removed most of it from her nails focusing mainly around the cuticle area, and then I applied gorgeous bright neon falsies. The ring fingers have colorful fractals swirl accents, and the rest are bright orange like those cones they put in the street when they’re going to do road construction or something. They really show up well, even in dim lighting. These look much better on her than the black matte nails with the silvery accents. Those are what I’m going to be wearing to my appointments in a few weeks.

Kim is still ranting about her bossy sister-in-law and spineless sister and what a pain in the ass it is to watch their new dog and her two-year-old niece. Her niece’s mother just had a baby boy, so the girl is staying with them for a few days and Kim’s not too happy about it. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like kids or if she’s jealous of the attention it takes away from her or what. I would think she would want the attention taken away from her, especially since the sister-in-law threatened to break her computer if she breaks any of the collectibles in the hutch. She went on quite a long angry rant in her journal and Aly sometimes gets sick of hearing the same shit from her and how she never contacts her just to say hi. Kim seems to be hounded for everything… Her noises, whatever those may be. Going up and down stairs on one leg, however possible that may be. Being clumsy. Lying. Not cleaning properly…

Aly has various health issues, mainly eczema-related, but is otherwise doing okay.

Kathleen is still a bit of a mystery to me. I still wonder what the catch is. Why am I suddenly “allowed” to have someone like her in my life? She’s either going to change her mind or we’re going to move when and if she really does mean it when she says she wants to keep in touch and that I’m “in her heart,” LOL. If she’s waiting until she’s officially retired so that there is no longer any business connection between us, then that may very well be close to when we’re moving. I always thought it an odd coincidence that anyone I really like seems to move if we don’t. Well, if there is anything up there controlling how close I get to any of these people, then she’s either going to pull away from me or not contact me for nonbusiness reasons until we’re gone or close to it. Since we’re probably going to choose stupid over smart, we could be out of here in 2019, the year she retires.

Tammy is also a mystery. She’s healthy enough to log in almost every day on Facebook and sometimes she sounds perfectly normal when we talk. I guess I have no reason to assume she can’t make it well into her 70s and maybe even her 80s. Unless a heart attack sneaks up on her anytime soon, which isn’t likely since they’re monitoring her closely, or she gets aggressive cancer that takes off quickly, I would think she still has many years ahead, painful or not.

Tom is also doing his best to cut his sugar intake back and he is once again back on the Bowflex.

Been sampling my new flavored teas today. I’d give the Vermont maple ginger about a 5 or 6. The chocolate is about a 7, and the butterscotch is a definite 9, almost 10.

We didn’t do too much today because it’s good for us to take a day off on weekends when we can. Tomorrow we need to go out and pick some things up that Walmart didn’t have, plus the rats need more treats. We’ll probably eat out along the way, too.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2, 2018 Be it for ethical or dietary reasons, when I think of vegans I think of them not eating meat, but then I realize it’s more than just that. They also don’t have cheese, milk or eggs. Anything from animals is forbidden. I think I’m too metabolically fucked for a vegan diet to cause me to lose weight but I’m definitely interested in giving it a try for a while for its overall health benefits. If it can improve my cholesterol and reduce anxiety when I have it, why not? I won’t do it forever because I couldn’t give up meat for the rest of my life any more than I could give up sugar for the rest of my life, but I’ll try most things once at least for a while. The only thing I won’t eliminate is my coffee creamer.

So I guess I will be making this my last non-vegan week and will continue to do research and get recipe ideas. The thing is that I hate to cook. However, vegan recipes may be a little less complicated and not as time-consuming. Chai pancakes? Hmm… Sounds interesting!

Except for yogurt, I’ve never been big on dairy, especially milk, because it makes my stomach gassy. I may have to take Beano in order to handle the beans and roughage better if I’m going to be having more of that kind of thing. Either way, I will be looking for plant-based ideas and thinking beans, seeds, nuts, fruits, veggies and tofu.

During yesterday’s wind-driven rain, I heard a loud crash but when I ran outside and checked around the house, I didn’t see anything. Nothing seemed to have fallen inside the house either.

Although still cloudy and cool, it cleared up enough today that I could walk down to the lake. A small tree got taken out in the storm down there because someone was cutting it up. They’re also trimming the palm tree in back by the house that’s for sale. There’s always something going on around here when it’s not storming, but the air cleaner that’s sitting on the desk helps to drown some of it out.

It could rain anytime until midnight and it’s supposed to be rainy tomorrow, too.

My incense and color-changing nail polish arrived. Not all that impressed with the polish but I got an awesome selection of incense and she threw in some extras just like she did last time. The only ones I don’t care for are Yucca and Sage. Their version of Opium and Wet Kisses are to die for. Witch Doctor, Strawberry Fields, Egyptian Musk and so many others are awesome. Someone asked what Obama smells like, and it’s got a very rich woodsy smell.

Last night I dreamed that Stacey bought me a bedroom furniture set. I don’t know why but it was supposedly a gift for doing her some kind of favor. There was a tall dresser, a long dresser, and then a nightstand that we chose to put in an office somewhere. I was looking for my camera to take pictures of the furniture setup that I wanted to show her on Facebook, but couldn’t seem to find my camera.

THURSDAY, MARCH 1, 2018 Woke up to lots of rain and wind today. I can hear the wind howling at times but this is just what our drought-stricken state desperately needs. I love how quiet things are because of it, too. Even the traffic is quiet.

I pushed my potted cactus into the rain for a while.

As much as we may need the rain and as much as I like the quiet it brings, I really do miss the heat and swimming and all that stuff. I miss running around barefoot in shorts and tank tops. I hate being confined to long sleeves, robes, slippers, and hoodies. The less I have to wear, the better.

The only dream I remember from last night was Tom waiting for me in a parked car out in a rural area. It looked like he was parked alongside a cornfield or a wheat field of some kind. I was walking through a narrow path between the tall grasses and heading to the paved road that the car was sitting on. As I stepped out of the clearing, I glanced to the right and saw a brown bear about 30 feet away. By some miracle, I managed not to freak out as I casually but quickly made my way to the car which was on my left about 20 feet away. I was able to get into the car without the bear giving chase. Once I shut the door I shouted for him to go, and he looked up from something he had been reading and asked why. I looked out the windshield and saw that the bear was gone.

[whorecorelover]

Hola people of tumblr. It is I. Here, yet again for another diary entry.

I have so far cried for about seven times today, not counting the tears from the past half hour. This place is difficult. It is full of hate. Makes me get full of hate as well.

I hate how some parents do not want toddlers, kids, children, teenagers and adults. They want babies. You know why I think that’s the case? Babies are soft, they are cute, they are chubby, they are biteable, yes. But babies have no power over you. They are dependent on you. They are like little dolls you pick up and show people around like how you did when you were little with your Barbie’s. Look this is my baby. It cant do anything and will listen to whatever I say without questioning, because it cant think.

It is unmistakably what the case is with my parents, more with my dad. It is exhausting. I’m not 3 anymore, you cant do that anymore and you cant expect me to let you do that anymore. I am not yours anymore, I was never anyone’s to begin with. I have always been aware of how distant we got the more I grew up, I just never thought he would have resented the idea of someone especially his daughter growing up. I was wrong apparently. Other than the countless humiliations in front of big crowds he and my brothers has inflicted on me he kept mentioning how he doesn’t need to ask permission to hit me because I am his.

No I am not. I am not yours. I never was. And I never will be. His obsessive behavior with my mistakes with my actions or rather with anything I do or say is making me feel disgusting. I feel physically sick because of him. I feel angry.

I miss who I was a few weeks ago. Calm and loving without this constant anger, state of survival and being triggered all the time. If I were in that country still (will go back in a months time) I would have gotten myself my biweekly flowers. Cleaned my room. Got more blue tack so I could put up more pictures and postcards on my walls. I would have started praying, being close to God. Would have used the prayer mat and the dua my boyfriend got for me. I would have spent time with him. Went out on small dates, whether to a pub, bar, museum, or just the gym and home. I miss him. Haven’t spoken properly to him about six days at this point (he is at a festival).

I miss the life I built for myself in university. I cannot wait to go back to it. But for now here are some good things that happened to me today:

🩷I had this dessert that I have been thinking for a while. It was so sugary but so good. Diabetes in a plate.

🩷I talked with a friend who lives in germany. We haven’t talked for a while I really missed him.

🩷I saw a lot of kedys today.

🩷I found a book that I seem to like so far. I haven’t picked up a book in ages that wasnt forced onto me by my father. I might buy it!

If you have read so far, I hope whatever you have on your plate comes easy to you and I hope you try to surround yourself with love always.

Thank you for reading, here is a picture of a distinguished gentleman I saw today.

[johnhardinsawyer]

From Beginning to End

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

5 / 12 / 24 – Seventh Sunday of Easter / Mother’s Day

1 Corinthians 15:1-11, 20-26, 47-57

“From Beginning to End”

(A Year in Review)

When it comes to reading the Bible, where do we even begin?  I guess we could start at the very beginning.  I’ve heard it’s a very good place to start.  People will often sit down and start to read the Bible, beginning in the Book of Genesis.  But, somewhere along the way – usually partway through Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, or Deuteronomy – folks will often get bogged down.  At this point in the Bible, there are a lot of ancient laws and it can be tricky to understand what’s going on.  

If people get bogged down, but they are determined to keep going, they might ask around and try again and start reading at the beginning of the New Testament – starting with the Gospel of Matthew.  And then, somewhere along the way – usually the first couple of pages of Mark or Luke – they might end up saying, “Wait!  Didn’t I just read this exact same story, just with a few different details?”  It’s true!  The first three Gospels use a lot of the same material, but have a few different details.  Which account of Jesus is the correct one?  Well. . . they all are correct, even if they don’t entirely match up.  

The Bible is a deep and complex book and people have been exploring these depths for thousands of years.  They will sometimes try to categorize or summarize the Bible and this can be helpful, but not entirely fulfilling in terms of the depth and breadth of Biblical literature.  In a recent radio interview, the author Salman Rushdie – a lifelong atheist – said, “Like most atheists, I’m obsessed with [religious texts].”[1]  He said that he especially appreciates the beauty of the Old Testament and said, “I do think these ancient texts are very useful – whether you are religious or not – as a way of understanding how people have tried to tell themselves the story of themselves. . .” [2]  For Rushdie, most of these texts try to answer two questions:   “The question of origins:  how did we get here and how did ‘here’ get here?  And the question of ethics:  Now that we’re here, how shall we live?” 

As a Christian, I can appreciate Rushdie’s thoughtful summary and I agree – for the most part – with what he is saying – especially, the questions of origins and ethics.  The only thing missing I see, as a person of faith, is. . . well. . . faith.  I believe that there is something more to them than simply being fables or stories that teach us lessons or help us understand ourselves.  They also help us catch glimpses of who God is.  

So, how do we approach this big, ancient book?  It would be helpful if we – like Rushdie and many atheists – would actually read the book, and not just in a cursory way.  For us to understand what is going on, here, it helps if we – as Moses instructs the people in the Book of Deuteronomy – 

Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.  (Deuteronomy 6:6-8)

In other words, for us to understand scripture, it needs to be internalized by being completely surrounded by it – dwelling on it, thinking about it, talking about it, having it bathe our hearts and minds, seeing it in all of our goings and comings.

One way that the church has tried to tackle the fullness of scripture is to have what’s called a “lectionary” – a selection of scripture passages that are read on certain days so that, a lot of the Bible can be covered over a set number of months and/or years.  Fifty years ago, a group called the Consultation on Church Union – made up of a group of scholars from various Protestant denominations – adapted a set of scripture readings from the Roman Catholic Church to come up with what we call “The Revised Common Lectionary” or “RCL.”  The RCL is a set of scripture readings that cover most of the Bible in a three year cycle.[3]  The idea is, if you are present in church and/or read along with many Protestants and Catholics from week to week, you will be able to read most of the Bible over three years of Sundays.  Of course, “most” is not “all.”  There are some parts of the Bible missing from the Revised Common Lectionary, but almost all of the books are represented at least once and there are four suggested readings each Sunday – an Old Testament reading, a Gospel Reading, a Psalm, and a Letter from the New Testament.   

For most of my years as a preacher, I have used the Revised Common Lectionary.  But, if you preach through the Lectionary cycle multiple times – once every three years – after a while, you will end up covering most of these texts.  Besides, sometimes the texts in the RCL can bounce from topic to topic and, unless you make a concerted effort as a preacher, it can be difficult to connect certain topics and texts from week to week.

This past year – just as an experiment – we tried a different kind of lectionary.  The Narrative Lectionary is designed to be preached from September through May or June – starting in Genesis and ending with the arrival of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost Sunday in the Book of Acts.  The main idea of the Narrative Lectionary is that there is this over-arching narrative story in the Bible that goes from Creation straight through to the New Creation we have in Jesus – from Genesis all the way to Revelation.  

So, way back on September 10, 2023 – which seems like ancient history now – we began at the beginning, with the story of creation from Genesis 2.  This story includes the beautiful and poetic image of God breathing life into the dust and making human beings.  Way back in September, I said that this ancient image of the God who lovingly forms us and breathes life into us is so very powerful to me. . . a powerful beginning that points to the power of God in our lives and the life of every living thing.  If God was – and is – so much a part of who we are from our beginning, then perhaps this might be something that guides our hearts, orienting our spirits to always point toward God as our primary source. . . our true beginning.  So, if we start at the beginning – at our beginning – we are – from the inside out – God-made. . . God-breathed.  

In the beginning, when there was no life, God creates life by breathing life into the dust.  And, in today’s reading, almost at the end of the Bible, we find the image of dust resurrected (if you’ll pardon the pun).  As the Apostle Paul writes, 

The first man [Adam] was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man [Jesus] is from heaven. . .  Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we will also bear the image of the man of heaven.  (1 Corinthians 15:47, 49)

Here, Paul is pointing to this ancient mythic story of, as Salman Rushdie says, “How did we get here and how did ‘here’ get here?”  And then, Paul points to what has changed in the meantime – in the ages since human beings began to live and move and have their being all the way to the present moment in which the resurrected Jesus lives and moves and is the new being.  A lot has happened over time, from the dusty old being to the new being, but somehow – threaded through all of history – the same Spirit that breathed life into creation at the very beginning is still breathing life into each of us.  Throughout all of history, the presence and power of the Spirit has been seen in the calling and equipping of ancient peoples and in the calling and equipping of each of us, and of the church, in the present moment.  

Now, I know that the subtitle of today’s sermon is “A Year in Review,” and I know that since y’all have all been here every week, and paid attention, and hung on every single golden word of wisdom from my lips [I’m joking, of course!] that a review really isn’t necessary.  But I want to hit just a few highlights.  

We began in Genesis with the story of creation and moved quickly through the birth of Isaac and then Jacob and the Call of Moses.  There was the beautiful story of Ruth and Naomi and the sad story of the splitting of the tribes of Israel between North and South (remember Jeroboam and Rehoboam?).  There was the bravery of Elijah and the faithfulness of Hosea (even though it was really hard) and the Holy “Yes” of Josiah.  In Advent, there were the prophets who foretold the birth of a Messiah – Zechariah and Isaiah – and another Zechariah in the Gospel of Luke who sang a lullaby to his son, John the Baptizer.  Then it was Christmas and we heard the story of the incarnation.  In January, we moved into the New Testament with stories of Jesus healing a paralyzed man, and teaching in parables, and calling disciples.  We spent some quality time with one of those disciples – a man named Peter – through the season of Lent and through most of the season of Easter.  Most recently, we have been focusing on the ministry of Paul. 

As I say all of this, I am struck by the journey we have been on.  We have heard the story of God’s people – beginning with a small beloved chosen few and expanding to embrace the whole world.  The ministry and mission of the Holy Spirit has been seen throughout it all – connecting people to one another, planting faith deep in the hearts of people, leading people and helping people and conquering death.  As Paul writes, “It was not I [that worked hard for God], but the grace of God that is with me.” (15:10)  This grace is a product – a gift – of the Holy Spirit.  

Somehow, this humble, yet Holy dust from which we are all made has been knit together and held together by grace to form the Body of Christ – a body that lives on and on through the resurrecting presence and power of God’s Spirit.  

It’s been quite a year!  But really, it’s been a millennia or twenty for us, humans, and billions of years for this miraculous planet – unique and beloved in its place in the universe.  If there is any narrative arc to the Bible, it has something to do with this:  through the ages, from beginning to end, God has proved, again and again, that God loves us and is not through with us.  All will be well, because God has not given up on creation and God is about the work of making all things new and right, spiritual and imperishable.  

God loves us and isn’t through with us yet.  God is leading us to a day when the new creation will overtake the old and all of the rules and laws for how the old creation operates will be turned upside down.  Even death will be turned on its head – thrown down and defeated through the victory of Jesus Christ.  

So, when it comes to how shall we live with the knowledge of this – with the story of God’s new creation alive in our minds and hearts through the faith that the Holy Spirit grants us – I want to encourage you to have hope. . . to live in hope that the dust from which we have been made, the dust into which God breathes life, has been redeemed and is being made new.  God is about the work of making all things new and all will be well.  In the end, all will be well.  All will be well.  All will be well.

Thanks be to God!

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.  

---------

[1] https://www.npr.org/2024/04/16/1244847366/salman-rushdie-knife. 17:30.

[2] https://www.npr.org/2024/04/16/1244847366/salman-rushdie-knife. 16:00.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revised_Common_Lectionary.

[muffinsandpages]

Making a Robe à la française

Because I want to :)

Part I

We all have those dream projects we keep coming back to every now and then. Mine usually change every few months and so get discarded, but reconstructing an historical gown is something that has been living in the back of my mind for years, maybe even before I started sewing.

Ideally, I'd start with something more reasonable, like the Regency period. But I can't help obsessing over 18th century gowns, especially over decorated Robes à la française. I just keep getting back to those.

My mental health is... terrible, to say the least, so I already know that this project is going to take ages for me to complete it. If I manage to complete it at all. But I found that external validation helps, which is why I decided to blog about it.

And so... here goes nothing!

The inspiration

One of the reasons why it took me quite a while to get started was that I didn't really know what I wanted my final result to look like. I have never wanted to make a specific historical reproduction, but you gotta start somewhere.

A couple of years ago (like, more than four) I found these old curtains in my gradma's old house. I I thought they would be perfect a robe, but I still didn't know where to start.

Luckily, mindlessly scrolling intagram isn't always useless (well, it is except for this one instance, but I digress), because I came across this dress on @/katestrasdin's page

After some digging (aka a google image reverse search) I found out the dress is owned by LACMA. Despite being the second image that comes up when you google "Robe a la Polonaise" (via Wikipedia) it's described by the museum as a Woman's Dress and Petticoat (Robe à la Française)" from Spain, circa 1775.

My goal is to make something similar to this, as far as decorations go. The structure should be more "à la Française", so without the draped back à la Polonaise and with a floor lenght skirt. But we'll see.

I'll try to use a patten from Norah Waugh's "The Cut of Women's Clothes" from a 1740-50 Sack Dress.

Since I had no idea how such a pattern worked I started by tracing it on a piece of paper and draping it on a small mannequin, just to have a rough idea of what I was getting myself into. The process gave me flashbacks to the Alexander McQueen paper doll I built in lockdown (if you have a few minutes to a few hours to spare, please check it out here). Nevertheless, I now feel a bit more confident about the whole thing. It can be done

The undergarments (and my plan of action)

This kind of dress needs to be built on the undergarments/understructures. That means they they need to be made before the actual dress. At the same time, making undergarments that are (a) never going to be seen by anyone and (b) pretty difficult to make isn't the most exciting thing in the world.

Weirdly enough, I already made a pair of stays in 2021. They're far from perfect, quite ugly and very much not historically accurate. But the shape is there and they'll do the job, at least for now.

The other most important part are the pocket hoops. It's what I should work on next, but I think I'll actually make a mockup of the dress first, as i want to see how much volume I'll need. Then I'll make the pocket hoops.

Then I'll probably make a mockup of the petticoat to use as an under-petticoat. At this point I should know whether I have enough fabric to make the main petticoat of the same fabric of the dress or not. Then the main petticoat itself and then, hopefully, the dress.

Somewhere in between all of this I should make a shift as well, but it's not vital for the process, so I suspect I'll end up procrastinating it as much as possible

Easy peasy, right?

Right, wish me luck :)

Other stuff

It's not going to be historically accurate. I am starting from historical sources, and I'll try to follow them as much as possible, but in the end I just want to have fun and make a nice dress without too much stress. I will keep the hand stitching to the bare minimum and I'm pretty certain that my fabric is synthetic :)

I'm going to keep it as cheap as possible. Reuse, recycle and r...ice? Idk, you get the idea. I am not invested enough to put hundreds of euros in a project that I'll wear maybe once. And I think that sewing and crafts should be more accessible anyways

Resources

The Cut of Women's Clothes: 1600-1930 by Norah Waugh

Woman's Dress and Petticoat (Robe à la française) (LACMA)

[sophieinwonderland]

You have this really weird sense of morality where "posting other people's asks about someone = morally reprehensible," but "calling someone a bitch = totally fine and acceptable discourse." If you'd like to post those asks about me, you can go ahead. I really don't care.

Credit where credit is due, you were right and some of your sources did show that "system" has been used to refer to groups of alters before the IFS model came out.

Having some accurate sources though doesn't make it any less laughable to cite a paper declaring every alter a memory system as an example of this

Also laughable is the conspiracy theory that I sent this ask to myself. First, I don't send myself asks. Second, if I did, I sure wouldn't send myself an ask that starts off questioning if I'm spreading bad science.

In truth, I find you rather peculiar as syscoursers go.

Most other syscoursers won't even bother to back up their opinions with with sources. You post tons of sources but they only occasionally help your case. Take this one, for instance. Fantastic quotes showing insight to the use of system in plural contexts... if your position is that "system" is a broad term historically used to apply to everyone's internal personality system, whether singlet or plural.

It's such a good source for showing that the psychological definition of system was broad and applied to everyone that I'm considering citing it myself.

You have such a way of refusing to change your mind or see facts, and it would be almost impressive if you weren't actually doing harm. The way you twist things for your (dwindling) followers is just gross (and don't lie, I know you're losing them, because I get the asks telling me exactly why people unfollow you).

Okay... this follower count thing is getting pretty ridiculous. I don't talk a lot about my follower count anymore. I worry sometimes that it comes off as too conceited. But this is at least the third time you've claimed I'm losing followers, so I might as well set the record straight since this issue is apparently so important to you.

Am I losing followers? Technically, yes. There are times that I click the notifications and see my follower count go down a point or even two compared to where it was hours ago. And it wouldn't surprise me to learn some of those ex-followers went to explain to you why they unfollowed me.

But that's completely okay. Can you guess why?

It's because I'm gaining followers more quickly than I'm dropping them. Here are my daily new followers:

As you can see below, 30 days ago, I had 1398 followers. And trend of my total follower count gradually increases through the month.

Yesterday, I had 1487 followers at one point before dropping to 1486, so I know that I lost one. Although I can't say for certain if that's due to being unfollowed or to an account being terminated. But I'm not stressing over losing a follower here or there when I gain an average of three per day.

Your mistake is listening to a few vocal outliers and assuming they were representative of my overall follower count. (Kind of like how most of the anti-tulpa rhetoric depends on assuming a few Buddhist syscoursers, who aren't even Tibetan, are representative of the Tibetan Buddhist population. But I digress.)

Do you think we can put this weird obsession you have with my follower count to bed yet? 🙄

sometimes i start to worry if you're actually spreading bad science and then i see users like SAS just saying things that make no sense.

just because someone says the word System in vague relation to DID/MPD, doesn't mean it's a disorder exclusive term =.=

anyway fuck sysmeds

.

[sunlightandsuffering]

I am already obsessed with your new a/b/o EreMika... Reverse 'Bite Me' where the strong Mikasa Ackerman is an omega when everyone expects her to be an alpha, herself included? That sounds like a nightmare for her! 😂😂😂 I'm loving it already! Imagining her horror of actually needing someone. She'll hide it for sure to protect herself.

I do specialize in miscommunication and deception as a plot point as most fanfic writers do 🤣😉

Mikasa genuinely doesn’t know what to do with herself the day she turns twenty, a late bloomer.

Should she hide it? Is it even worth attempting to hide her new status from an entire pack of werewolves? Is it worth using scent blockers? Will someone question her?

She is supposed to be an alpha, she’s an Ackerman, it’s almost synonymous with the alpha class. In her own family history she has never known a single one of her family members to be classed as anything but an alpha. It’s insane. They mate alphas, they breed alphas, they bare children that are… alphas.

It doesn’t make any sense.

She’s been counting on this, counting on it forever, counting on it to finally make Eren hers.

He’d presented a few months ago, an alpha as expected from the hotheaded boy, and ever since the girls have been trailing after him like lost puppy dogs, trying to entice him into being his first rut partner. Her time was already ticking, his rut would come soon, probably sometime in the summer if she had to guess, it’s never long after first presentation.

She’d hoped by then she could have claimed him, an alpha herself and an Ackerman, no one refused an Ackerman alpha, didn’t matter whether you were a boy or a girl, it was like being asked to join royalty. Levi, her uncle was currently the pack head after Erwin had stepped down. Their genetics, overall superiority in every aspect made them prime mates, as aside from all the genetic advantages, the Ackermans were known for being a good family, with little drama. of course, being mated in was a privelege.

She’d planned it all out, there was no way Eren would refuse.

Except now, now he might refuse. Ackerman genetics or not, now she was a lowly omega, her status meant nothing in pack politics, she wouldn’t be good for anything other than sitting pretty and popping out kids like most omegas did. They weren’t allowed to fight or engage in pack politics, they didn’t necessarily have to become mothers as most of them did. But omegas were extremely valuable, a class to be protected. It was highly frowned upon for them to stray too far from pack territory at least without someone to chaperone them.

It was dangerous, lone wolves could claim them, take advantage, and it wouldn’t matter how hard she fought, she would be subdued by an alpha.

Numbly, Mikasa drops back to her bed, eyes shut tight as she holds back the tears.

It’s all over now, Eren would never love her, not like this, not as a lowly omega. She was useless to him, she wasn’t strong or powerful like she always had been, none of her physical prowess would matter when her head was bowed to the nearest alpha, to whoever claimed her first.

She bites her lip brutally as she considers it, the other looming problem with being an omega: the claiming.

How many men would fight over who got to claim the newest omega during her first heat, she was safe from no one. Although to some degree Mikasa had a choice in the matter, there was such a thing as forced matings, all it would take was one bite, someone to sink their jaws into her neck and it would be over.

Historia, the most recent omega to present had barely gotten out without a forced mark. Her first heat driving the male werewolves of their pack mad with the desire to have her, her sweet omega scent calling to them in a way nothing else had. Even her own friends had succumbed, Jean pleading with Mikasa to help keep him away from her, he didn’t want to be a part of the constant fights that came with the new scent of an omega. How many male werewolves had been patched up at the infirmary after dueling each other for Historia’s perceived hand? Her blonde friend had gotten away only by finally having Ymir mark her pre-emptively, they hadn’t been ready to mate yet, but it had been the only way to stop the chaos.

And yet through it all, Eren had remained mostly immune, her final nail in the coffin. Eren Yeager, the only boy she’d ever wanted, the one she’d planned to confess to as soon as she’d presented as an alpha. And now that she was an omega, he was the singular exception to the werewolf nature of desiring an omega during their heat.

She lets out a broken little sob, because there’s no way now, no way she’s going to get him, he doesn’t love her and she knows it, he’s never shown any interest.

She has probably three months until her first heat and she doesn’t know what the hell she’s going to do.

...

Mikasa, expectedly presents as an alpha.

He knows it, everyone knows it, she’s only wearing scent blockers as a courtesy.

And yet they do nothing, because to know any better he’d swear she was an omega with how she smells, she calls to him like a siren to a sailor at sea. Every time she sits next to him during a pack meeting he fights the urge not to touch her, to inhale her scent, vanilla and lavender, so much stronger than it was before and calling to him more than ever.

The first time he sees her after she presents, he drops to his knees as she meets him outside her house, hair tucked up under a ballcap, exposing the arch of her delicate neck and the wind blowing her scent right to him.

She promptly freaks out, asking what’s wrong, her dainty black little cardigan doing little to hide her from him, and oh how he wants to mark her up, his gums ache with it, throbbing with the desire to sharpen into points and bite down.

He’d practically begged her to move away, to change her scent blockers or something because her scent had invaded his senses and he’d barely been able to stand within a foot of her.

He’d never smelled it so strong; she must have taken the wrong medication or something because alphas don’t smell like that. She’d looked like a ghost when he’d told her she smelled like an omega, and quickly run into the house before coming back out, smelling a little better, apologizing profusely, saying she must have taken Hanji’s heat inducing drugs instead, but now her scent blockers were stronger it should be fine.

And it was, now she didn’t smell unless he was too close, and Eren refused to admit just how often he let himself get too close.

She smelled divine, and if Mikasa would have him, he’d be her mate in a heartbeat, and God if she were an omega… his brain swims with the possibilities, mush with the idea of a soft needy Mikasa crying out for him, such a stark contrast to the normally imposing presence, a silent strength within her. You didn’t fuck with Mikasa, she’d rip you into little pieces and do so without batting an eyelash, unphased.

She was an alpha alright, he had no doubt.

[arty-shadow-morningstar]

A Failed Betrothal (Part 3)

There were a lack of stuff to read so I posted this instead.

[Masterlist]

(Part 1)(Part 2)

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PART 3

The next day was weird to say the least for everyone but for Marinette, it was another can of worms that she wished she didn’t open. For one thing, Chat Noir’s feelings obsession for Ladybug switched from one black-haired girl to another which unfortunately was Ladybug’s civilian form. Which meant Marinette had to deal with Adrien’s Chat-Noir-level flirting and bad pick-up lines.

Perfect, just perfect.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone thought that a declaration speech of ‘being soulmates and the only one for him’ in front of the whole class from the ‘love of your life’ would warrant a ‘blushing to death and stammering’ or ‘outright fainting’. Not a facepalm, a groan, “Why me?” and a “I am sorry but NO. I don’t feel the same way about you”. Marinette vaguely wondered if there was some kind of rule for interesting events and confrontations to happen during lunch break while the class waits for Mme Bustier to start the lessons.

Marinette went to sit in her seat next to Chloe in the back row where she and her friends had been exiled to. The class was in stunned silence and questioning about whether or not they had fallen into an alternate universe or dreaming. Nathaniel and Alix tried to hide their snickers. Chloe just started outright laughing, turning very red in the face.

Marinette felt a nudge from Plagg in her bag. Looking down, she saw them holding up her phone to show Lila’s gaping face of horror with a wicked smug grin on their face. She looked through the photos to see everyone’s faces of confusion and shock at her rejection. Eyes wide and jaws dropped on the ground. Different shots of her classmates in the same state. She smirked and showed them to Chloe who calmed down enough, letting out the occasional giggles and took the phone with glee.

“Thank you, Plagg. Here you go.” she whispered, giving them a camembert macaron.(Tom had started experimenting with camembert in his recipes. Plagg is his first taste tester for all of them, making Tom one of Plagg’s favourite people.)

Adrien didn’t take the rejection very well.

“But we are meant to be. You are a designer and I am a model. Our partnership is the one to be envied by many for the ages.”

“And by that logic,” The designer turned to her main model for her MDC website, “Chloe, my love, will you be my one and only? For our love shines so bright ,paralleled only by a thousand suns.” Using the same voice Plagg does when they go on one of their love odes about camembert before losing her straight face and giggling.(Plagg doesn’t know whether to be offended or amused.)

Setting Chloe’s laughter off again. “Mariiiii,...stop….I can’t..*gasps*....I can’t…”

Nathaniel and Alix, finally lost control and joined Chloe in death by laughter. Adrien was flustered, turning red in the face either from anger, embarrassment or both.

“But Chloe isn’t a model.”

Marinette decided to put a stop to this, just on the off chance that Gabriel finally decides to akumatized his own son. She recomposed herself.

“She is the main model for my website and we have a partnership. You, however, work for your father. So does Miss Rossi. Does that sound like the partnership to be envied by many for the ages? Hmmm, Agreste? Anyways, like I said before, I have no interest in dating you.”

“Why not? We are friends and sometimes, friends like each other enough to date each other.” Adrien angrily asked.

“Because-”

“Because, Adrikins,” Chloe cuts in, “friends having to date because one of them is interested in something more makes no sense and is fucked-up. Marinette doesn’t owe you anything. Besides, she already has a long distance boyfriend who lives in America.”

“WHAT!?” Adrien shouted.

“What?!” The class had snapped out of their stupor. Since when had Marinette gotten over Adrien and had a boyfriend?

“What?” Marinette looked at Chloe with wide-eyes. Last she checked she was still single so what the hell was Chloe playing at. For Kwami’s sake, she hadn’t been on a date since the one with Luka which went awkwardly before they agreed that they think of each other as siblings and it will be best to stay that way.

Chloe gave her a look that said ‘I will explain later.’

“Oh yes, they met online a few months ago and now they are all lovey-dovey together. It’s just so ridiculous, so utterly ridiculous how disgustingly in love they are. They have video call dates at least once a week and somehow make it work despite the time differences. He once came all the way to Paris just to see her. He brought her some special flowers that apparently meant-”

Marinette slapped her hand over Chloe’s mouth. “Well, Chloe, Queenie, as much as I love you as my friend, you can stop gushing about my love life now. Because class is about to start.”

She said through gritted teeth as Mme Bustier finished taking her sweet time and walked in. Sadly, Alya wasn’t done with the conversation ,“Wait a minute, since when did Chloe and you become close enough that she is modeling for you? And a boyfriend? Why didn’t you tell me, Girl? I thought we were friends. What about Adrien, he just confessed to you and you had been crushing on him for so long” Many girls gasped, angry that Alya broke the unspoken girl code.

“You have a crush on me?” Adrien looked hopeful. Like a lost kitten that had been stuck in the rain, was let into someone’s home.

“I had a crush on you,” Marinette corrected him, emphasising on the past tense, “and Alya had no business of sharing that information to the entire world despite us not being friends anymore.” She glared at the journalist who at least looked ashamed.

“You wanted to date Kagami so I moved on.”

One of the reasons anyway. I found out that you were my partner who had no concept of boundaries. You are a coward who only wants to maintain the class peace at the price of my mental health, she thought.

“Instead of continuing to pursue you.” She hoped the ever dense and oblivious model would get the hint she gave him. Tikki ,just this once, Grant me that ladybug luck.

“And Mme Bustier, it is time to start the lessons, don’t you think? Instead of focusing on the class drama to gossip about later on.” Marinette glared at the teacher, reminding her to do her job.

“Oh. Right.” Mme Bustier tried to regain her ‘perfect teacher’ image after getting embarrassed at being caught, “Right. Class, turn to page-”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as the bell rang for the end of school, Marinette dragged Chloe all the way to her room. Alix and Nathaniel followed them because as far as they know, Marinette had no boyfriends and they were as curious to find out what scheme Chloe had cooked up this time. They were as complicated and crazy as Ladybug’s. No offense, Marinette.

“Okay, Queenie, you have to explain why I now have a devoted American boyfriend who I am so in love with.” Marinette crossed her arms with a frown aimed at Chloe. The kwamis got out of their respective hiding places and went to the tray of food set out for them.

The trapdoor to her room opened, revealing the rest of their friend group before Chloe said anything.

“Did we miss anything?” Kagami asked as Longg and Sass joined the other kwamis.

“Juleka said something about an American boyfriend and how he sounds so romantic. Does that have to do anything with the text Alix sent us to come here?” Luka added.

“To recap, Adrien made a love confession to Marinette,” Alix started, biting into some of the delicious pastries the Dupain-Chengs gave them, ”in front of the entire class after an entire day of flirting and bad pick-up lines.”

“Wow, even after having his memories erased of being Chat Noir, he is still after Ladybug.” Luka chuckled, with the others joining in.

Marinette whined, “It was easier when he was Chat Noir. But now as Adrien Agreste, teen heartthrob, it is going to be much more difficult to get into his thick head that I don’t see him that way and it is going to get harder, now that Alya outed my old crush to him.”

“Oof. Sucks to be you.”

“So, our Mari-bug rejected him. He threw a tantrum and sulked, so like Chat Noir, how did we not notice?,” Alix continued, “After demanding reasons why they can’t date, Chloe gave Marinette an American boyfriend who she was in a long-distance relationship with. Speaking of, why did you do that?”

“I have known Adrik- Adrien since we were in diapers and I know how that mangy cat works. He grew up on Disney and had all those fairytales stuffed into his head. If you had told him that you were just not interested in dating at the moment, it won’t work because he will try his hardest to ‘woo’ you, because he still has a chance. He won’t push his luck as much if you were off the market.” Chloe explained.

“I am sure that, judging by the fact that Chat Noir still tries to date Ladybug despite her saying she is in love with someone, Adrien might try to get more proof of this boyfriend to make sure Marinette is just not pretending to have one.” Kagami pointed out.

“Ahh, but luckily I have a back-up plan. I have a friend, Tim Drake. We met at a few galas when we were younger and kept in touch. He also owes me a favor.”

“I hope this Tim Drake is cute.”

“He is and he’s older than you by two years and,” Chloe typed something on her phone, “A fellow caffeine addict so you can bond over that. Here’s a picture of him and his brother.”

On her phone were two extremely attractive and fit young men dressed in expensive suits at what looked like a gala, the older one had a charming polite smile with bright blue eyes, looking somewhat interested at what someone off-screen was saying despite looking like he will fall over any moment. His brother, however, looked like he would rather be anywhere but where he was. He was tanned and had green eyes that promised murder for daring to even breathe in his direction. Marinette noticed that he looked a little familiar but she can’t place why.

“Tim is the one that looks like he hasn’t slept in days and that’s his brother Damian next to him.”

“Wait a minute. That’s Tim Drake and Damian Wayne. The sons of Bruce Wayne, the billionaire co-CEO of Wayne Industries, which Tim Drake is also co-CEO of.” Nathaniel said with wide eyes and looked at Chloe, “You are using your favor to give our Mari here a fake boyfriend.”

“Of course, only the best for our Mari-bug.”

“Chloe, no, he is probably busy as he is with running the company. No need to get him involved in petty teenage drama.” No matter how much she doesn’t want to date Adrien, bothering a busy guy to be her fake boyfriend is not worth it in Marinette’s opinion. Which, of course, gets overruled by the overprotectiveness of her friends.

“I, for one, think this is one of Chloe’s better plans.” Kagami commented, the others agreeing with her. Traitors.

“Hey!” Chloe exclaimed, an offended look on her face, “Anyways, I will call him later.”

“Children, you better go home now before your parents worry.” Sabine’s voice came from below, “Remember we are also going through some drills tonight so try not to be late.” Having a former assassin for a mother is handy when you want to train a team of teenage superheroes.

“Bye, guys. See you later.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Just because you have been trained since birth does not excuse you from the drills. You also need to get used to the black cat.” Lady Mǔ lǎohǔ reprimanded her with her arms crossed. When Ladybug started her new team, she was the first permanent member but as the team got bigger, she stepped back to be back-up and mentor for the team.

“Yes, Maman, I know but I am nearly finished with this commission. I will catch up with you later. Promise.” Marinette stretched, looking up from her latest project. Plagg was napping in the little basket she had made for all the kwamis to sleep in which fit all of them and had some extra space for Nooroo and Dusuu after they had been retrieved.

The reason she had Plagg instead of Tikki who was with Alix was because of the new tactic the Miraculous Team came up with. To keep the balance the Ladybug and Black Cat must be active at the same time but with Adrien gone, someone must wield the ring until a new permanent holder is found and it was not a good idea for both of them to be on the same person at the same time. The team decided to rotate using the earrings and ring between them with Marinette using other miraculouses when the others have them. It also had the added bonus of making it harder for Hawkmoth to find out who has them at any given time.

“See you later, 灵儿 (líng er, means intelligence). I will give you 15 minutes but that’s it. Don’t be late.” Sabine sighed and got out the skylight and went towards the safehouse where the Miraculous team met to get training. (It is one of Sabine’s emergency safehouse to use in times of emergency and it had the required space to train 6 teenagers. Chat Noir never came to training, lazy cat.)

Marinette never made it to the warehouse.

Because a few minutes after her mother left, the skylight opened to let in five figures dressed in dark colours to easily blend into the shadows like they were trained to be. Too bad they weren’t as quiet. Marinette immediately summoned a bo-staff to defend herself.

One of them lunged at her and she retaliated by hitting the end of her staff to their middle, coupled with a couple more blows and landed one that knocked them out. The others threw throwing stars which she dodged by jumping back. Which landed her to be trapped by the two assassins, whom she didn’t notice, had moved. She cursed in every language she knew as she struggled against them. It led to no avail as she was badly out-numbered. There was a prick on her head and her world went black.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plagg awoke to a loud commotion. Irritated, they poked their head out to see their new temporary kit knocked out, tied up and hauled away. Recognizing the kidnappers as assassins of the League of Shadows, they scowled. Ra’s Al Ghul was going to pay.

Plagg may not act like it much but the black kwami was patient and smart. Smart enough to leave a note with an explanation somewhere visible with the messy aftermath of a fight before trailing the assassins. Oh, Roarr’s tiger was going to be pissed once she found out what happened. Wherever they were taking Marinette, it would be best to have a kwami of destruction to help her escape. The night made Plagg almost invisible and allowed to move unseen. They caught up easily and hid in their holder’s midnight hair. Now, their patience came into play. It was a matter of waiting for the right moment to pounce.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tag list: @alysrose-starchild, @buginetye, @lookatthestars1, @blackroserelina, @macncheesemonster, @mochinek0, @myazael, @tonicxworld, @thewitchwhowaited, @t1dwarrior-of-earth, @kissa-chan, @iwantasecretidentity, @theymakeupfairies, @user00000003, @woe-is-me0, @kashlyn, @mochegato,@moonlightstar64 , @greatcatblaze, @moongoddesskiana, @tazanna-blythe. @tonicxworld, @toodaloo-kangaroo, @frieddonutsweets, @local-witch-of-mn, @lady-bee-fechin, @iglowinggemma28, @indecisive-mess-named-me, @k-tea-and-coffee, @jayjayspixiepop

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(Part 4)

[l-artemisia-del-secolo]

Few nights a month

Yelena was allowed to be with you just for a few nights a month. Now, when she's free from the control of the Red Room, you have to make a choice.

Yelena Belova X reader, one shot, angst, hopeful ending

You hated yourself. Again. For reading the text. For answering it. Even though this time the text itself was different. Inviting. You've been waiting for this message for two months.

You could have though it wasn't Yelena. But it was her. Of course. No respect for your life, no respect for the boundries.

You were ready to run wherever and whenever she called you.

You were belonging to her. For six months already. Her toy, her distraction, her girl.

There was no relationship. Just Yelena wanting you, devouring you, making you feel the whole pallet of emotions.

You could say she was obsessed with you. Not seeing you for weeks but thinking, imagining, dreaming of you. And than a few nights a month making her dreams come true.

She wasn't manipulative, she didn't lie. She never promised you a thing.

She was working undercover when you met. No accent, dark hair, heels. She was supposed to get information from your boss. Needless to say she was successful.

Carelessly asking you out on her last day of a mission. You thought it was a date. It clearly wasn't. Yelena was drinking. A lot. Her Russian accent appeared out of nowhere. You were intrigued. Her stories were so different from what you imagined they would be.

You listened and listened. Knowing that your heart would never belong to anyone else. This woman was dragging you into her world.

Light touches, longing glances. If she could, she would make you scream her name right there and than. She was so touch starved. When was the last time she was with anyone? She didn't even remember. And there you were so happy, so pure, so perfect.

It wasn't like you, bringing a stranger home. Let her be the host in your own apartment.

She tore your clothes. Desperate and thirsty. You didn't care whether she told you the truth about herself. Didn't even care whether her name was real. But it was. You were fortunate enough to know, what name to cry over and over again. It was your reward for being her girl.

You didn't have the morning after. Yelena didn't need it. You did. Feeling your body ask for more was the worst thing. Why were you reacting like this? You were a grown up woman, what was wrong with you.

Her smile stayed with you, her scent, her gracious movements, her bites on your hips.

Did she ever think about this night? Did she even remember? Or she had girls like this everywhere. Obsessing over them and not you.

In a couple of weeks you got the first text from an unknown number. "Tonight. At your place. Drinks on me."

So very thoughtful. When Yelena was having a particularly bad time, she was inviting you to a hotel. Places could change but not her attitude. Always all over you when she needed that. Giving you biggest pleasures but leaving you in greatest distress.

Why couldn't you have her for more than a few hours. Why couldn't you trust her. Why couldn't you share your own life with her.

Still Yelena has chosen you. You believed there was a reason. She could have chosen anyone but it was you. Always you.

Once you got a familiar text during your date. You had to have those. Otherwise you would just destroy yourself waiting for Yelena. A few dates, a few nights. Yelena didn't care if when she needed you would be with her. You needed those days not to think about her. You were already having dreams about her, waking up distraught.

You wanted to feel her near you. To hide in her strong embrace. To feel her weight on top of you with that possessive roar of hers.

Sometimes you felt all of this wasn't real, a human being can't behave like that. Maybe Yelena just couldn't feel attachments. Removed them.

But this time the text was different. "I hope you're doing OK. Can we meet tonight? I'd like to talk."

Since when Yelena wanted a dialogue and not a monologue. You were embarrassed to admit it but you felt familiar tingles in your body.

This time it wasn't a hotel. Another apartment. She wanted to play games? You were ready, you had nothing left but to obey her.

Usually when you were entering the room Yelena was already relaxed with the glass of whatever she was drinking. In her black jeans and a t-shirt. Offering you to sit near her or on her lap.

This time it was different. She was tense. Her fists clenched. Loose hair and a colorful clothes.

"Hey" even her voice was different. It lacked that cold and metal you were used to.

"Yelena, I..." You didn't know what to do. Usually you would already be kissing her jaw and asking about her day. But now you were seeing a different person in front of you.

"let me start, ok?" She tried so hard to sound soft. "Are you... How are doing?"

"As usual. Fine". You mastered a smile. "And you?"

"I..." She let out a nervous sigh. "I have to tell you so much".

She made a few steps towards you. You instinctevly backed away.

"Tell than. Where have you been for two months?"

"That's the thing. Now I can tell you everything."

She sounded almost hopeful. It was supposed to be her new beginning. With you, far from the past. Far from the blood.

"Why do you think I care?". There was a reason why she didn't use her charm, why she wasn't herself. Why?

"Right... You... After how I behaved you shouldn't care. But I implore you to listen."

You had a choice. You could just walk away. Leave her alone. With her demons.

"Fine."

She was given a chance. She's not going to lose it.

"Thank you. I..." She wanted to touch you, grab you. But she controlled herself. Not someone, she did.

"You know I've been working undercover for some time. You know it's shady people and shady business. You know I was trained to kill. To do the impossible."

You silently nodded.

"Yeah. No need to recap that. But a few months ago I've learned a very important thing. We were controlled."

"What?" You couldn't believe what she said. You were not living in a comic book, right?

"Chemicals, brain implants." She let out an awkward chuckle. "I fucking knew it. There was a reason for me to behave like that."

"like what?" You were calm and quiet now.

But Yelena was loosing it. She started pacing the room trying not to get too close to you.

"You know what I mean. I would never... Now I know that. Now I feel it."

"you would never what?"

Yelena stopped abruptly. This time so close to you. This time allowing herself to inhale you.

"I would never leave you. I was controlled. My body, my mind. I was allowed to have a distraction. We all were. With giving us a time for ourselves, next time control could be even stronger. Mind even more submissive. Every month new distraction."

" I was your distraction?"

"Yes, no" she was desperate. "I mean, you were supposed to be. But it was always something more than that. Now I know that you matter. You're important to me."

"I am to believe that with a wave of magic wand you turned into yourself?"

You wanted to hear yes. You wanted to have a chance to love her. To take what you needed and deserved.

"I know, it sounds ridiculous. But it's the truth."

You could feel her on yourself. So close. But this time it wasn't you who was burning. It was her. Open and fragile. Asking for a support.

"You used me."

"I know, you can't forgive it or forget. But all this time I was coming back to you, every time. I was obssesed. And now I know why. That what the only thing I was allowed to feel. I'm so sorry." You saw tears in her eyes. " if I could turn back the time I wouldn't bother you. Wouldn't give you this burden. If you want me to I'll disappear. But now... " She took your hand. "I ask for a chance to show who I really am. To fix everything, to make amends."

You knew it was the truth. It all made sense. A harsh reality. The first woman you fell in love with was mindcontrolled. And now free she was asking you for a chance. For a possibility, for a hope. She was raw and quick in her judgements, in her sentences, in her requests. Now or never. Free with her.

You knew it would take you so much time to make everything work. You to trust her, Yelena to open up. But you were ready for it, you gave her that chance.

[stylistiquements]

Day 9 : Scronch'love.

𐐪𐑂 Pairing : Sapnap x fem!reader {Playlist}

𐐪𐑂 Summary : a lovely afternoon and an ancestral question; when are you going to join the dream smp?

𐐪𐑂 Word count : 1.5k

𐐪𐑂 Warning : swearing

Masterlist | Previous | Next

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

“Have you been here for a long time?”

“Have you been here for a long time?”

“Have you been here for a long time?”

Time bends and twists into unknowns shapes when well spent. So, you’re so not sure. Long enough for your fairy garden to start looking like at least a proper garden, long enough for your feet to start fidgeting, brushing against the soft fabric of the blanket ever so slightly and softly.

“Can you share your screen?”

“I’m just picking flowers, there’s nothing much to see,” you warn but it never does the proper job.

“That’s fine, I like watching you play.”

“Oh, do you now?”

“Yeah. You’ve been playing for years and you’re still dog water. It's almost soothing,” you hear him grin through the silkiness of his voice.

You smile evasively, palm gripping the mouse and executing on memory. Soon, Sapnap’s satisfied noises hovers and everything is just how it’s supposed to be. You spend a while humming the music of days and nights of the game while building your project. Sap helps from time to time, giving advice when his attention is there and leaving trails of compliments on his way. You don’t think the garden is necessarily that good, you don’t mind either.

“Do you think the tree should go on the left or the right of the pond?” You ask, fingers drumming back and forth between the two options. Right he says. "What about the roses, do I plant some or not?"

“It’s just a detail, don’t hurt your brain too much on that,” he says in a light tone, but you disagree.

“Details are what make things important. Like when you remember I prefer warm pillows so you give me yours, it’s just a detail but it makes me happy.”

“Of course I do; you’re a baby,” he murmurs teasingly.

With an arched eyebrow, you retort, “says you,” and silence follows for a second as you plant the tree on the right of the pond.

“Yeah, Dream already made sure I was aware of that.”

“Not sure why the piss baby thinks he’s qualified to have this conversation, buddy,” you note and Sap chuckles are as vivid as contagious. “Why would he call you a baby anyway? What have you done?”

“I-I’m not telling you.” As soon as the mumbles fades, your phone sends loud vibrations on your desk. You abandon your character to the night and the wildness, picking the phone as you murmur a low oh, okay. Whether it’s to your phone or Sapnap, that, isn’t really clear. Still, Sapnap’s words sound more distant, more of what wonders are made of. On the screen, a twitter notification of a certain Karl Jacobs.

“You’re not even listening to me anymore,” Sapnap whines.

“I don’t listen to whiny babies, sorry.”

“We’re on the verge of divorce, yn and it’s your fault.”

A scoff skitters out through teasing lips, “But you still talk about me all the time, don’t you?” Your voice drags through different lands, unknown and musky.

“So what?” He splutters all awkward like it’s some kind of confidence that shouldn’t have left his thoughts and, somehow, you’re surprised the almighty confidence has left the game. “Who said that?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re obsessed with me, admit it,” you demand and though you don’t notice it, too tangled with the moment, the atmosphere is tinted with a different nuance like it’s suddenly dawn at the end of a summer party.

“So are you.”

Now, your heart drums a strange yet familiar rhythm. Something made of secrets and uncertainty, something you decided to leave unnamed a long time ago. Sapnap, you reason, can’t be lied to. He knows better than words half meant, half made up and it’s annoying, really, but he just does somehow. If you dare to lie, he would know and then it would be even more annoying.

“Yeah, you’re living in my head rent free but at least I’m not trying to hide it.” No answer. You peek at the game, you’ve been slain by a spider. “Karl said that,” you resign yourself. “He said he was about to join the vc by the way.”

Before the conversation can carry on, the sound of Karl joining the call resonates. Being in this Discord server is like living in a house with 10 siblings, that’s what you understand from the way Sap exhales heavily.

“Oh, I am interrupting something?” Karl says, struck by a peculiar energy.

“Besties time Karl, besties time,” Sapnap mumbles beneath his breath and it chimes a little like disappointment.

“Well, too bad I guess,” Karl exclaims. “It's about time I meet miss Bunnyshow.”

Karl is like that gif of a cat sitting in a tiny box with the caption “if it fits, I sit”.

“Does that mean our passive aggressive subweet arc is over?” You ask, faking the dejection when your smile grows wide.

“Oh god, I hope not. That’s my favorite part of the day.”

"It means a lot to me. Especially coming from my comfort streamer Karl Jacobs," you confess.

Satisfied, your attention gets back on the game; flowers rooting gracefully into the dirt and hives ready to host the beloved honey bugs as Karl and Sap catch up on time being apart. Everything is quiet and peaceful like the end of an afternoon well spent.

“I like your garden,” Karl points out and you hum a thank you beneath your breath.

“So you can take Karl’s compliments but not mine.”

“We’re besties you’re honor. Sapnap you can leave now, thank you,” Karl giggles and you follow along.

“Sorry Karl, there’s only room for one man in my heart and that has to be Sapnap.”

He fakes a cry to keep the theatrics before adding without transitions, “You know if you asked Dream he’d probably let you on the SMP.”

“No thanks,” you grin.

“Sapnap, your girl doesn’t want to play with us.”

“She’s already been whitelisted for months now,” Sapnap informs but fails to comment on the first part of the complaint.

He’s not lying, but you feel like it says more about Dream’s stubbornness than it says about you. As for your best friend, he understands better than anyone that wish for privacy and it’s something made of respect like yours for his career. You’d rather see him shaped by all the light than being touched by a glimpse of it. He does, after all, deserves it all. So, that’s the contract you made with yourself because it made sense; being a supportive shadow. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you’ve never considered streaming before. It’s that it’s his world more than yours.

Karl, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think the same way, “This is unacceptable, I gotta send a few texts.”

“Lost cause, dude, lost cause,” you grin but stubbornness seems to be a pre required trait for those mcyts.

Before you have time to find a suitable comment about the newborn group chat, a new person joins the call and Sapnap's annoyance is even more palpable, "No fucking way dude. We can't even have a second of peace on this server."

"Why would you be in a discord call if you want peace. You're just dumb," Quackity retorts with an energy he and he only can ever own.

Then George joins and Dream follows on his heels and soon your ears are filled with conversations that are as loud as scattered. Your shoulders sink in the back of your chair as soft fingers try to brush the upcoming migraine away. This is why you can't join the SMP; -not really but still- too much energy that has to be processed at all time. And you should know better, being friend with a very chaotic boy for the last 15 years, but you're not somehow.

"No, fuck that," Sapnap mutters. "I'm out."

"You can't leave now we have things to discuss," George exclaims. "Bunny, explain to me how Sapnap's proposition is more appealing than mine."

"Because I know her more than you do," he defends, and he's right. Money isn't of you interest. Love, on the other hand...

"Because she's like scronch'love," Karl giggles mindlessly.

"The fuck does scronch'love mean?" You ask, amused.

"It's very simple," Quackity intervenes. "If I offered you the same thing, would you even consider it?"

"Of course I would. What kind of question is that?"

"Fine. So, if Sapnap keeps his offer, here is mine; you become the president of Las Nevadas in addition to what he said."

"What?" Sapnap takes offense.

The call brims with an agitated confusion as you smile deviously, heels rooted into the floor to make your chair spin lightly and your fingers drum on your desk.

"I don't think you wanna do that," George corrects.

"Yeah, you absolutely don't," you confirm.

"Fine," he retorts. "So Sapnap's offer plus a Las Nevadas citizenship. How does that sound?"

"Like an offer I'll confider," you sigh. "So who's scronch'love now?"

"Still you," Dream answers. "Except you're also a big dummy."

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

A/N : helloooo,, how are you??? this part very self indulgent and I think this fic will be in general but I hope you liked it anyway. I love the idea of c!quackity always being too much and always having something to add to be even more over the top. I'm having more trouble than I thought about Bunny's and Sap's friendship because I want them to have a very special friendship but I hope it appears as such. idk. lmk what you think and thank you for reading it it makes me very happy <3 Until next time (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

Taglist : @open-minded-chip-101 ; @itsoakaa ; @gaysludge ; @tinyegg ; @qnfdnf​ ; @paintingpetalsforyou ; @notjennaleigh ; @victoria-a567 ; @washy-washy ; @moneybagmarvel ;

[interlunium-opus]

No Place I’d Rather Be. [ Jay ]

[ Jay | fluff ]

Abstract: when you went to the library on the night when the Triennial Winter Ball was held, you expected to be all alone. But Jay, your best friend and the  campus heartthrob is somehow already there waiting for you.

You stared out of the corridors of windows as you ascended up the staircase of the desolated library, your eyes fixated on the bustling crowd outside. It was the night the Triennial Winter Ball was held: basically the night everyone looked forward to the moment they started university. Unlike how dark, drab and quiet winter nights in campus usually are — tonight, the campus was alight with festive lights lining up the path leading up to the grand hall and students filtering in, decked in their “Sunday best”, filling the otherwise quiet night with cacophony of laughters, chatters, and whispers.

Standing in contrast with the crowd outside was you, all alone in the dimly-lit library, decked in monochrome with books in hand instead clinking glasses and waltzing with others in an elegant dress. You sighed as you thought to yourself, who am I kidding, my introverted soul wouldn’t last a minute in there.

“You’re late today.”

You jumped, startled, dropping some of the books you were carrying. Given the context of tonight, no one should have been in the library right now. Especially not the campus heartthrob and the social butterfly, Jay Park.

“Jay?” You called out, squinting your eyes to get a clearer view of the tall figure at the end of the aisle. The dim-lighting were of no help at all but the blonde locks and the deep voice were a massive giveaway, “wait..what are you doing here?!”

“You look petrified to see your own best friend, it’s almost heartbreaking,” Jay muttered sarcastically as he made his way towards you before reaching down to pick up the books you had dropped.

“Well, duh, no one should be here tonight especially not you,” you retorted as you walked towards your usual seat at the corner, the one with the large windows and dimmest lighting, “people are going to think that you got kidnapped or something and oh God, the amount of hearts you’re breaking tonight with your no-show.”

“Well, what’s your excuse?” Jay raised an eyebrow at you.

“Jay, we have been best friends for almost 2 years now, you know why I am not there — I would just combust,” you said as a matter-of-factly as you took a seat.

“But it’s our final year, you’ve got to make it count — socially I mean. And come on, it’s the Triennial Winter Ball not some frat party,” he grumbled as he sat on the armrest of the chair next to you with his body facing you and arms folded. Being a massive extrovert with a lifestyle that tends toward opulence — tonight’s extravagance was right up his alley and all month long he had been endlessly badgering you to attend it. Being the massive introvert you are though, the ball is basically the last thing you would want to attend.

That said, as incredulous as the friendship between the two of you are to many people, you two are polar opposites that complement one another in a way that two differently-shaped puzzle pieces can only fit one another. Being a social butterfly, your individualism, rationality and brilliant intellect really stood in stark contrast with the homogenous crowd and superficial conversations that he constantly surround himself with. With an equally subtle sarcastic dark humor to match, a tenacity like no others and a brilliant intellect that constantly challenge and stimulates his mind — you’re like an oasis in the desert.

Likewise, Jay, too, was like a breath of fresh air to you. You have had some initial reservations about him though. After all, he was more known for his lavish lifestyle and the parties he throw. But beyond those such fronts, Jay was highly knowledgable with strong passion for what he believes in — qualities of which really matched yours. Not to mention, being pragmatic and rational himself, he was one of the rare few people in your life that you don’t need to put up a social filter for as he is always able to objectively understand your views and opinions.

That is how you two end up going from being touted as the “cursed” pairing that was doomed to fail when you two were first paired for a project in “Modern Political Thought” module, to the Dream Team that ended up trouncing everyone else’s project, attaining the highest score out of everyone in class. In fact, you two just keep on surprising everyone by becoming almost inseparable even after the module ended.

“Who’s to say a couple of drinks isn’t going to turn a ball into a frat party?” You shot him an incredulous look before turning your attention to the books you were flipping, “… exam is around the corner anyway.”

“1.5 months away,” he emphasized as he lowered his head down to your level, peeking over your shoulders to take a closer look at your notes, “Seriously? you’re skipping tonight’s extravagance and festivities for Multivariate Functions and Lagrangian? I’d have let it slide if you were working on a prose instead.”

“Well what’s your excuse for being here then? I’m pretty sur-“ you stopped mid-sentence, caught off guard by how close his face actually was to yours when you looked up to face him. Jay’s face as usual was unperturbed, his blonde locks softly framed his chiseled face and his lips was pouty in concentration as his eyes travelled from one end of your notebook to the other before he turned his face slightly and met your gaze. You swore for a moment you felt your heart skip a beat but the moment one corner of his lips lifted into his signature lopsided grin, that thought immediately disappeared as you knew he was going to say something sarcastic or dramatic.

“How can I be so selfish and party away when my best friend is all sad and depressed alone in this library?”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, “Jay, as if-”

“Also,” he suddenly interjected, “the girl that I asked out for tonight rejected me so….”

“Wait, what?!” You gasped, “The Jay Park got rejected?”

“I know right. She rejected an offer that millions would have killed for,” he shrugged as he straightened back up.

“Exactly! who in their right mind would- anyway, at the risk of sounding insensitive, couldn’t you have substituted her with other girls? Like you said, millions would have killed to be your date — you can just pick and choose.”

“Wow, ____, you really have ice in your veins don’t you?” he smirked.

“Whatever, just being rational.”

“I know. I definitely could. I mean the head cheerleader asked me out too so I could have just accepted it,” he murmured, “but...” he paused, “as cringeworthy as this sounds, 80% of the reason why I really looked forward to the ball was because I was looking forward to spending it with the girl who rejected me. So without her in the picture, the whole vision just suddenly lost its spark. Like… I’d rather just spend time with her then whether it is at a ball or library or wherever.”

“Oh…” you managed, unsure how to react, “that’s kind of… deep I guess. Well yeah, I mean if you still don’t feel bitter over her rejecting you then sure, you do you, go after her. Unless of course she’s at the ball with someone else then maybe not…”

Instead of responding promptly as he usually does, Jay just heaved a huge sigh as if he was disappointed or something. His eyes glued onto yours as if trying to pry some information out of your mind, “You know you’re awfully dense. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re too studious that it’s beginning to cost you your social skills or something?”

Jay has always been blunt but tonight, it was just on a different level. It was almost like he was here to intentionally grate you as if someone was actually keeping score. You retorted, “Excuse me. Did you just come all the way here to push my buttons? Because yo-“

You stopped mid-sentence again when he suddenly leaned closer towards you, his hands on either side of you, one on the edge of your table and the other, gripping your headrest, “I am already with her right now.”

You furrowed your brows in confusion, your mind working on overdrive.

“Fine,” he uttered, ”let me spell it out for you — you’re the girl. You’re the one who rejected me. Twice.”

You opened your mouth to tell him to stop joking but his unperturbed facial expressions told you otherwise. Still in disbelief, you stammered, “No way — Me? When?! I mean we talked about the ball a couple of times but you’ve never… unless - wait… you were serious?”

You remembered it was a Saturday night, about 2 weeks ago at almost 4 AM when you and Jay was at the library burning the midnight oil. You were busy trying to finish up your Econometrics assignment while Jay, who had long given up with his Philosophy assignment, was engrossed in a movie marathon next to you.

“Ugh,” you groaned when your regression results turned ‘insignificant’. You turned your attention to the papers and books strewn across your desk, frantically flipping through the pages to see where the error could have been and how else can you rectify this.

“You need to sleep on it,” Jay murmured, casting worried glances at you, “You’ve been on it for hours.”

“I can’t,” you shook your head, your eyes scanning over your messy handwriting, “I’ll end up obsessing about it again at home so I definitely need to get to the bottom of this today, that’s the only way I can sleep.”

Jay sighed, pausing his movie and turning his attention fully towards you, “Fine. But you really need to reward yourself for working so hard this semester because otherwise, you’ll just burn out. Also, by reward, I did not mean hibernating.”

“Hmm,” you nodded absentmindedly when suddenly Jay snatched the pen you were using, “Hey ___ eyes on the person talking please. What did I just say?”

You rolled you eyes, relenting, “Something about rewarding myself and not hibernating — there, happy? Can I get my pen back?”

“Good,” Jay beamed, quickly pulling his hand away when you were about to snatch your pen back from his grasp, “The Triennial Winter Ball would be a good idea of a reward by the way.”

You scoffed, “Jay, that is probably your idea of a reward but it definitely won’t be mine. First, I’ve got to look all made up from top to bottom — that takes up too much resources for something an introvert like me possibly won’t even enjoy — that’s the equivalent of some floppy investment prospects right there.

“Secondly, I avoid crowds like the plague whenever I could help it and the ball has all the variables that could make me combust on spot: there are a lot people; a lot of emotions; a lot of expectations and — well, you get the picture.

“And finally, I would need to find someone to go with — again, too much trouble.“

“You have me, where’s the trouble in that?” he asserted, snatching your pencil case away this time when you were about to reach for it, “Just go with me then.”

“Yeah no that’s ridiculous,” you shook your head, stretching your hand out to him, beckoning him to give your stationaries back, “Stop playing, give me my stationaries back.”

Ignoring your demand, he pressed on, “Why is that so ridiculous?”

You sighed, “Because A) everyone wants a piece of you so B) I’d be burnt at stake if we do go together. And also C) You should spend that special night with a special someone, not your best friend — come on, Jay, you need to work on your prioritization skill.”

“Wait — that was meant to be it?” You shrieked as you recalled the memory, “I mean, it just rolls so casually in our conversation — I couldn’t have possibly picked it up as serious. Anyway, fine — when was the other time?”

“Just a few days ago when I was sending you home,” Jay replied as-a-matter-of-factly. Jay remembered skipping dance practice that night, earning an earful from the instructor the next day, just so that he can walk you home after your Students’ Union meeting with the president, Yang Jungwon.

“You’re really set on not going to the ball?” Jay asked for the umpteenth time and you nodded.

“What if I tell you that I know someone who is thinking of asking you out for the ball?” Jay prodded, stopping you in your tracks, “I’m serious.”

“Still no.”

“I have not even told you who he was,” Jay grumbled.

“Fine, entertain me,” you relented.

“Jungwon.”

“Jay stop messing around.”

“I told you I’m serious, geez,” Jay said exasperatedly.

“But why — what is that kid thinking…”

“I don’t know — maybe you should stop having some night meetings with him alone before it grows into a full-blown crush or something,” Jay shrugged before you smack him lightly on the arm. “Ouch!” he whined, “Anyway so? Will that be a yes or a no?”

“Of course no, Jungwon’s a definite no.”

“Well, I saved him from a heartbreak then,” Jay mumbled.

“Huh?” You stared at him.

“Nothing,” Jay quipped, smiling sheepishly. The truth was, one of the reason why he insisted to walk you home tonight was because he overheard Jungwon telling Heeseung this morning that he definitely would ask you out to the ball after the meeting, perhaps right after, perhaps while walking you home. Knowing that someone as upright as Jungwon was going to ask you out, Jay thought he should have been elated for this might mean that you will actually come to the ball. But somehow, like a broken record, the conversation kept on playing in his mind all day during his classes, accompanied with the 1001 likely scenarios of how you’d likely respond to him. By the time night has set in, all he knew was that he was dead set on not letting Jungwon ask you out to the ball, by hook or by crook. He did not fully comprehend why, perhaps he just did not like Jungwon, he thought. Or maybe, he didn’t like you with Jungwon together — or perhaps, he actually didn’t like you with any other guys. Fortunately by the time he had reached the Student Centre of the Campus, completely out of breath that is, he can see that you and Jungwon were still discussing the union project. Once the meeting ended, as indicated by Jungwon switching the projector off, Jay just barged in, announcing that he’ll take you home much to your suprise and to Jungwon’s dismay.

“Why not though?” Jay suddenly asked, “I mean accepting Jungwon? He’s like the textbook example of an ideal guy: cute, smart, upright, overachiever and whatnot”

“Well, my good friend has a crush on him for the longest time so that’s one big reason,” you explained, “also, we don’t even know each other that well on a personal level for me to say yes to.”

“Then would you go with me instead?” Jay suddenly grabbed onto your hand, stopping you in your tracks, “I mean, if you’re worried about having a good time, wouldn’t I be ideal then?”

For a moment, silence engulfed the two of you as you two stared into one another’s eyes. You opened your mouth to say something but immediately closed it, remembering how just this morning you overheard that the head cheerleader had asked Jay out, “Jay, just go with someone else more fitting okay? You don’t have to pity invite me or something, I’m fine. I heard the head cheerleader asked you out — isn’t that perfect? two campus heartthrobs together? You guys would be the talk of campus and the envy of many.”

Despite the praises, he could feel his heart sank. While it was not an explicit rejection, your nonchalance, for the second time, pricked him. Not one to be emotional, he plastered a smile as he slowly let your hand go, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh no, crap, I’m sorry Jay,” you sank in your seat as you stared at him in disbelief. No wonder, he looked so taken aback that night, you thought, and how cold he was the next day. “You know what, yeah I’m definitely dense — I think I traded my social skills for good grades. You can tease me with that all you want, I won’t even try to defend myself anymore.”

“Well, on the bright side, flirtations from others can’t get through to you — you’re like a fortress or something,” Jay chuckled, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry though really,” you bit your lip, apologetic, “What can I do to make it up to you? Oh you know what — that Michelin-starred restaurant that just opened up in the corner? How about I’ll treat you there for tomorrow? It’ll break my wallet but if it will unbreak what I’ve done to you -- I’d gladly commit to the splurge.”

“Oh come on, I’m not that materialistic,” Jay scoffed, “Do you mean it though, that you’ll do anything?”

“Absolutely,” you nodded, “Within moral and ethical bounds, that is.”

Suddenly Jay extended his hand towards you, beckoning you to take it. 

“You’re not dragging me to the ball right now right?” you took his hand and he pulled you up to your feet, leading you towards a more spacious area, “We’re underdressed for it Jay. I mean look at me, I’m decked in monochrome -- I basically look like I’m mourning.”

He chuckled as he pulled out his AirPods case, taking out one and gently inserting it into your ear before inserting the other pair into his, “Don’t worry, there are no dress codes for our own private ball.”

Soft music started to play through the AirPods, it was “Best Part” by Daniel Caesar ft. H.E.R. “Just dance along with me alright? I don’t need to be splurged on,” Jay’s hand slowly snaked over your back, pulling you close to him as he carefully yet smoothly guide you to the melody of the music.

“Well, gotta warn you though,” you smiled sheepishly, “I’m bad at this so don’t sue me if I step on your Pradas.”

“Fine, exclusively for tonight, I’ll put my Pradas at risk,” he quipped, his eyes glued onto yours, “Say, if you had known that I was serious — would you have said ’yes’ to me?”

You looked up, meeting his warm gaze which somehow, perhaps due to the proximity, was making your heart skip a beat, “I think so? I mean, I hate crowds but you would usually make me forget that I was in one. Also, you’ve always said yes to all of my weird adventures so I always feel like I need to repay you back in-kind if the opportunity arises.”

Despite always trying to keep his composure in the face of any nerve-wrecking  moment, Jay failed this time as he feel his smile widened while his heart raced uncontrollably. He couldn’t exactly pinpointed why: was it your sudden heart-fluttering words; was it the proximity; was it the the warmth that he could feel on both hands; was it the atmosphere; was it the fireworks that was starting to set off outside; or was it just you?

Suddenly, he thought in retrospect, he was glad that you had said “no” to him. He wouldn’t have traded the moment tonight, just you and him away from all the external noises, for a waltz in a crowded and noisy ballroom, even with all the glitz and glamour that it offers. In fact, tonight best represented what you meant to him, like that of an oasis in a desert, your presence alone is enough for him even if he has to search through the highs and lows for you -- it is just you who he’ll gravitate to eventually. 

_______

Author’s note: first imagine wheee! Hope you guys like this one :3

[alexaplaysgames]

Can you do Felix and Mc getting into a fight

My angst brain need some

You got it bb <3 Idk if this is really that much of a fight, but I couldn't make the MC too mean to Felix. Also, I’m aware this paints baby in a bad light. I had to make them fight about something okay :’( I don’t think he’d do this in canon.

Title: A bit Bitter

Pairing: Felix Escellun x GN!MC (Last Legacy)

Words: 2564

Tags: @demon-paradise @themohawkhelmet @cactus-hoodie @aomiyeon @piningmaybeanartist @another-confused-gay @uselessbeanies @nomnomcupcakesworld @druwuuwu @frozen-daydream @kirakiratears @margitartist @crowtrinkets @fanfic-about-fictif Please let me know if you would like to be added or removed.

“Tell me the truth, Felix.”

His gray eyes dart upwards from his textbooks as I storm into the room. When he sees what I hold clutched in my hands, he swallows, the bob of his throat visible even from the doorway.

I continue in a voice that is simultaneously weak and as strong as I can manage. “Is this really how you feel?”

“W-why do you have that, love?”

I frown. His nervousness sends guilt shooting through me, but I stamp it out. I’ve bent over backwards for months in an attempt to make him comfortable, and did so gladly. But this? I can only withstand so much.

I set the notebook down on the edge of his desk with a heavy thud. Felix winces.

“The things you wrote in here, about me…” I shake my head, then look away. I can feel my eyes sting, and I bite my tongue to hold back from crying. “Felix-“

“That’s private! You don’t have the right to go snooping through my possessions.”

I sigh. Yeah, I’m nosy and read his journal, and normally I would be ashamed. I shouldn’t have done it, but… “I don’t think that’s important right now.”

“Of course it’s important!” Felix gasps, standing out of his desk chair to snatch up the journal. He meets my eyes with a fragile sort of vulnerability, then pulls the journal defensively to his chest. “I’m not privy to every thought you have. You can’t judge me for mine.”

“I would never think these things of you!” My voice raises until it edges on a shout, and I frantically rush to reign it in. “I would never.”

“That’s not-“ Felix whispers with a shake of his head. “That’s not fair.”

“No. What’s not fair is this.” I reach forward and pull the leather journal from his hands, flipping forward a few weathered pages until I find what I’m looking for.

“‘Not nearly comparable to Rime’s beauty, nor do they possess his talent with magic. They’re candlelight to his radiant sun. I’ve quelled whatever feeling has stirred in my chest and decided that I won’t settle for them. Not while my love is still hurting. And I do miss him so.”

Felix is biting at his lip as I lower the book once more, his eyes watery, wide circles. “That’s old,” he chokes out. “I swear. I don’t feel that way. I love you.”

He looks like he wants to touch me, so I step away. I shake my head. “But you did feel that way.”

“I- why does it matter? That’s private. How- how much else have you read to convince yourself my feelings for you are disingenuous? You were never meant to see any of it.” He’s wrapped arms around his thin frame, now, squeezing his eyes shut as if he wishes this all would simply go away.

“I’ve read enough.”

Felix’s eyes go wide, then dart to the journal in my hand. “Why?” I ask. “Worried there’s something worse left for me to uncover?”

“N-no.” He runs his hand over his face. “Why couldn’t you stay out of my things? That was personal! It was none of your business!” Felix hisses the last words, as close to angry as I’ve ever seen him with me. His eyes are filled with tears, but his expression if one of a rage I’ve never been in the receiving end of.

“Fuck you,” I spit out, watching him hiccup as if the words were a physical blow. “You’re a liar, Felix.” Then I simply can’t help myself but to add, “Maybe you do deserve to be alone.”

I know as soon as I say it that I’ve gone too far, and the look on his face- fuck. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the broken, hurt expression that flashes across his features out of my head. Yes, the words he’d written in that journal had stung, but I don’t feel any satisfaction from hurting him just as badly. If anything, it makes me feel worse.

All I feel is lost. My psyche weighs heavy with guilt, as well as hatred for myself for letting my patience slip. Before it can all come crumbling down on me, I turn on my heel and rush out the door, slamming it behind me with an echo that rings much to hollow to make me feel any better.

✦✧✦✧

I had frantically stuffed my few belongings into a bag and rushed to the nearest inn, flopping onto a rickety bed and crying myself to exhaustion. That had been two days ago, now, and I haven’t spoken to Felix since.

On the bright side, sending drunk texts is much more difficult to do when one doesn’t possess a cellphone.

Each night my dreams are filled with memories of his face, his smile. I can feel him in my arms, see the distinct colour of his blush each time I call him “baby” or “my sweet”. I wonder if I was over-dramatic in my reaction, but then remember the words in that journal. To think, the passage I had read aloud had only been one of many.

No. I was right to be upset.

I keep wondering if maybe the things he wrote in there were true. Yet, it’s so confusing- Felix has always had the upmost respect for me. And he’s not exactly great at hiding his emotions.

I’ve met with Anisa and Sage, both of whom seemed relatively stunned at the news. Anisa had offered exercise as a way to take my mind off it, and Sage had offered… another form of physical activity altogether, which didn’t really surprise me.

“A fight? Really? You two have always seemed like such a sappy married couple…”

I sigh. “Thanks, Sage. Really. It wasn’t even a fight, to be honest.”

“Married couples do fight, Sage.” Anisa pats my hand. “Felix is just dramatic. It will be fine! Whatever he did, I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He just gets a little… jumbled up sometimes. But his intentions are pure. At least, I believe so. You can never tell with Felix.” She smiles. “Give him some time to mope and he’ll apologize.”

“If it helps,” Sage interjects, “he fought all the time with deer boy, and they were apparently a thing. I’m sure he’s used to it.”

I refrain from telling Sage that his oh-so-helpful comment is far from helpful; in fact, it highlights exactly what I’m worried about.

Tonight, thunder strikes outside in heavy, booming claps. The room I’ve rented is lowly lit by a single candle, but the flashes of lightning outside the window often light up the entire space. Rain pelts the roof and the wind howls mournfully, as if in empathy of my crushed spirit.

I’m just in the middle of pretending I’m in a sad music video when I hear an unsteady knock at the door. At first, I think it might be a tree branch outside, being as it’s so soft, but then I hear the sound again.

I fling the wool blankets over my head with a huff and shuffle towards the door, then unceremoniously fling it open.

I should have expected it would be my necromancer boyfriend looking like a drenched cat.

Felix is sopping wet, his hair plastered to his forehead and clothes so soaked I can see his tanned skin underneath. As soon as the door opens, his eyes go wide, and he immediately looks as if he’s attempting to say something, but he can’t seem to spit it out. His teeth are chattering so forcefully he can’t speak, and the wind has whipped the wet strands of hair into his mouth.

He is so stupid. I immediately can’t help but think that I love him. I am definitely morosexual.

I blink dazedly at him for a moment, before grabbing his elbows and hastily pulling him inside.

“I’m s-sorry,” he sobs as I grab a blanket off the bed and hastily wrap it around his shoulders. I can’t tell if he’s shaking from crying or the cold, can’t tell if the wetness on his face is from his tears or the rain. “I’m so sorry.”

“Felix, it’s fine. Come here, you’re going to get hypothermia.”

I grab a towel from the bathroom and begin using it to dry his hair. He shakes his head as he pushes it away, sending droplets of water flying. “No! Listen, please, I am sorry, I am. I wish to explain myself. You deserve that much, at least.”

I sigh, then stand back and nod. I sit down on the edge of the bed. The mattress groans, as do I. “Fine.”

Felix pauses as if he didn’t expect that answer.

Then he picks at the frayed strings of the blanket around him. He shivers as he tugs it tighter around his shoulders. He licks his lips. “I wasn’t in a good place when we met.”

I nod. It was obvious then, and it’s even more so now. “I know.”

“It wasn’t healthy. I know that it wasn’t, but-” he cuts off as the thunder outside rumbles, lightning illuminating the haunted look in his eyes. “I loved Rime. More than that, I obsessed over him.”

That much I had guessed, but the confirmation does still twist my stomach.

“I was still in love with him when we met. Desperately so. I clung to the very idea of him for years. Rime adored how I idolized him, he encouraged it-“ he looks out the window as if lost in thought, then sighs. “It wasn’t you. I would’ve compared anyone to him. I did.”

Felix sniffs, then delicately kneels at my feet. “I am so sorry. I promise I didn’t truly think those things, my dear. I just felt so guilty, every time I felt anything for you. I had made myself think that he was perfect, that I could enforce my love for him through some strange sort of self-discipline.” He cringes, as if he knows how awful that sounds. “It seemed reasonable. I owed him my life.”

Apparently having said what he needed, Felix goes quiet. His eyes are red-rimmed, dark circles underneath, as if he’s been crying instead of sleeping ever since I left him.

“You are so incredibly lovely,” he whispers, choking. “I could see it even then. I was scared of what it would do to me to admit it.”

I swallow. I’m honestly not sure whether to believe him, but the look in his eyes is so earnest. Felix is many things, but he’s not one to hide his feelings, nor is he a good actor. I know deep down that he’s not faking his love for me, despite how my heart convinced me otherwise.

“If- If you’re still angry with me, I understand,” Felix stammers, though the tears in his eyes make it seem like that isn’t true. “M-maybe I should leave-“

The rain pounds harder against the windows. The wind whistles through the surrounding cracks. I grab his wrist.

“Come here, my sweet.”

Felix’s eyes widen at my use of my pet name for him, a timid look of disbelief in his eyes as he takes my hand and allows me to pull him onto the bed. I lie down on my back and guide to lay against my chest.

“I forgive you.” I almost can’t believe the words myself, but I know that it’s the only option I could ever consider. I love him. It’s a simple as it is complex.

“You needn’t-“

“I do. It wasn’t right of you to say those things, but it was also unfair of me to get so angry with you over something you wrote a long time ago. I know your old relationship really took a toll on you. Besides, I said some awful things to you too, Felix,” I continue, reaching up to brush his bangs back from his forehead. He trembles, leaning slightly into my touch. “You don’t deserve to be alone. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, and I shouldn’t have. Okay?” I wait until he finally nods to continue. “And I’m sorry for going through your things. I betrayed your trust, and you were right to be upset.”

Felix goes a little slack-jawed before he finally breathes out, “O-of course I forgive you.”

“I’m glad, because I don’t think I could live without you.”

He stares at me for a moment longer before he lurches forward and kisses me, desperate and wanting, full to the brim with both apology and forgiveness. It tastes if the salt of his tears and the cold rainwater that runs over his cheeks. He’s shaking the whole time, and I tug him tighter to my chest. I can feel his heart racing through the fabric of our clothes.

“I love you, sweet.”

“I love you too,” Felix hiccups, “so much.”

We spend a bit longer like that, tangled up in the bedsheets with Felix soaking through both our clothes. Eventually, I pull back.

“Did you really wait until it was storming to show up and apologize?”

A sheepish laugh as he flushes. “I had t-thought it would be romantic. Like in my novels. I didn’t realize it was pouring quite so hard.”

His cheeks are a flaming red and he looks away like he expects me to be upset. I sigh to hide my fond smile. All I can do is kiss him again.

“I’ve brought you something,” Felix murmurs, his lips so close to mine that they brush, his eyelashes wet against my cheeks. He reaches back and takes the leather notebook, the stupid source of all our fighting, out of his coat pocket. It’s surprisingly dry.

I can’t help but want to smack that stupid book out of his hand. “Felix, why would you do that?”

He rolls his eyes, then gets up and stands off to the side of the bed. The room lights up green as his entire hand, the journal with it, are suddenly engulfed in flames, until nothing but ashes sift through his fingertips, drifting down to settle against the wooden floor.

“You’re my future.”

He’s so dramatic. I love him to pieces.

I grab his waist and all but tackle him back onto the bed, delighting in his surprised squeak.

“Stop!” Felix yelps as he falls back against the mattress, only to be assaulted by my cuddles, “I’m positively soaked; I’ll drench the sheets.”

I can’t really say that I care. We have a lot of making up to do; I’m not spending a second without him by my side for the rest of the night. Felix grumbles a final complaint and then sighs. He wraps his arms around me and presses his cheek into my chest, and I can’t help but think he feels the same.

“I didn’t enjoy that,” he mumbles, turning his face into me to hide his expression. “Being apart from you, it- hurt. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, baby.” I’m just realizing how much. His scent and the feel of his hair against my skin, his voice. He’s invaded my senses once more, and it feels like coming back to life.

He turns to look up at me. His cheeks are rosy and his hair mussed, droplets of water clinging to his eyelashes and temples. God, he’s so adorable- I don’t know how I could ever stand to be angry with him. “I don’t want to be at odds with you anymore. I love you too much.”

I boop his perfect nose. “Deal.”