#have been useful a few months ago when i was obsessing over whether i am also A Little Autistic

[chasingfictions]

the fact that almost all of my personality is from my mother except for All of My Mental Illness which is from my father .... that's just showbiz baby!!!!

[theyrealllesbians]

Regulus was manically pacing around his room, playing with the cord at the base of the phone.

"What do you mean there's another one?" He asked in an exasperated tone, rubbing the bridge of his nose to try and fight the annoyed headache he could feel brewing.

"Another wedding invitation has just come for you, from Emmaline Vance? Wait was she the one who was obsessed with Peter and would try to dance with him at every party for like a year?" Sirius said, getting progressively louder and more excited as he carried on.

"Yes." Regulus bit out. He really could not be bothered to go to another wedding. Why did everyone want to get married all of a sudden, it's only been a couple, wait no 7 years, since he left high school. God, how had it been 7 years already? "Surely I don't have to go. I can just RSVP back saying 'thanks, but no thanks' that'll work right?"

Regulus didn't even really understand why he was getting so many invitations. He'd had 5 wedding invites so far, 2 baby showers which he was not going to and 2 reunion dinners. Of course his own brother's wedding invitation was not included in this list of grievances. He's never dare complain about having to watch the happiest day of Sirius's life. Even just hearing him and Remus try and sort out the last few details made his heart warm in a way that he would never dare admit to.

"Come on, you have to!" Sirius exclaimed. "Everyone will want to see you. Besides all of us," 'us' being Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas, "are going and I refuse to spend another evening answering a million questions about you when you could just get over yourself and come!!!!"

Sirius was referring to the last high school reunion that happened 2 years ago that he had refused to go to. Apparently, Sirius spent the whole night getting asked about Regulus's whereabouts and what he was doing, if it was true that he had refused to work in the family business, whether he was gay and if so, was he single?

"Ugh," he groaned, "if I do go, and that's an if! I'll need a date. Where am I supposed to get a date on such short notice." Regulus's head was now beginning to ache as it had threatened to do so at the thought of having to sit through a wedding with someone he barely knew just to show that he wasn't alone and that he was doing well for himself.

"I don't know, do I? I mean you don't have to have a date." Sirius suggested, speaking through a mouth of some form of food.

"I do though don't I, otherwise I'll just get pitying looks the entire night. Or worse, people coming up to me trying to ask me out." He shivered at the thought.

Sirius choked a little, "That's a bit cocky don't you think?"

"No I don't think it is actually, not after I had Gideon touching my knee last month asking if I'd 'be interested in a night to remember', I cannot do that again. I just can't," he whined. He may as well have stomped his feet to go along with the toddler type tantrum he was getting close to. But Regulus did not care, he was being entirely serious when he said he could not do it again.

"Fine then, go with Barty?" Sirius suggested.

"Can't he's already going with Evan." Regulus responded, damning them both because it wouldn't be a half bad idea.

"Act as if you're in a throuple, you could pull it off." Sirius teased.

"Sirius" Regulus whined again, he needed real solutions.

"Pandora?"

"Doesn't really work now that everyone knows I'm gay." Regulus was getting tired now, why did he call his brother again? Oh right he didn't, Sirius called him because Regulus is currently on a work trip and Sirius is watering his plants and clearly snooping through his post.

"Well, I don't have any other ideas. This is why you need more friends." Sirius said matter of factly.

"To have as back up wedding guests?"

"Yes, that's what we do all the time. I don't actually think that anyone really knows who is with who. Oh, you could go with James. I don't think he was planning to go with anyone."

"Yeah, pass." He would not go with James Potter. Not for any particular reason, he just couldn't.

"Right well, I can't help you"

"Apparently so. I'm gonna go" Regulus just needed to lie down and think about what he was gonna do. He still had a month to figure it all out.

"Alright, see you soon, call me if you need anything else." Sirius said, trying to maintain his 'helpful' older brother personality that he had built.

"Yep will do, bye." Regulus hung up.

He really hated wedding season.

Just had this idea, it will be Jegulus. Kinda fake dating/ friends to lovers type deal. I'm actually pretty excited to start writing it and have quite a few ideas already.

[gorgeouslypink]

The Illusion of Method (My AP "Guide")

Hey guys! I'm so sorry that I've been behind on finishing up my masterlist but I've been really busy. I was having a conversation with my friend @junfairykyu and I remembered this post and she said it really helped her and urged me to share it with you guys too! This post is to help people AP (astral project) but the same concepts apply for the void. I hope this helps everyone.

original link: here

Hello there,

In this post I want to share an epiphany I had a few months ago regarding astral projection which changed my approach to it completely. Once I understood what I am about to explain, the amount of OBEs I had completely skyrocketed, to the point I can astral project on demand. I later found I could apply the same rule to lucid dreaming, and I started to enjoy countless conscious dreams. So this is the story of how I got to the "core aspect" of astral projection, the key to induce it effortlessly on demand. I will start by explaining the conditions whereby I came to this "truth" or "top method", and then I will develop it a bit more to ensure that its understandable. I I hope you guys enjoy the post and benefit from it. That being said, let's start!

I have been having OBEs for a few years now. A few years in which I tried many astral projection techniques, and while some of them seemed to work better than others, I always had one single desire that obsessed me to the core: I wanted to understand what was the root technique, i.e. that background cause, shared by all fruitful OBE strategies, that actually separated consciousness from the body. You know, the skeleton of all techniques. It was the deepest of my fixations, and I was compelled to find out the answer to that, I knew there was a core method, it was undeniable: if many different techniques lead to the same results, then there was for sure some hidden and shared dynamic that, if emulated over and over again, it would always produce Out of body experiences.

But it was really hard at first to understand what this hidden method was, because I was conditioned by my own results. What do I mean by this? Well, if only one technique worked for me, then it would be easy to assume "oh, that's the true and only method". But I had successful results with a wide variety of techniques, so different from each other: from tactile visualization, up to affirmations and pure desire, the ear ringing technique (using the ear buzzing sound to project) , the WBTB and many others. The challenge was in finding the single thing that united such different techniques. It seemed almost impossible!

You see, at first I thought imagination was a core aspect, but I rapidly discarded that, because many techniques dispensed with imagination. So then, imagination wasn't necessary. I kept discarding things just like that, trying to reach the substratum. I eventually thought it was pure intention, pure desire. This made sense to some extent, because all techniques required you to think actively about projection, whether you do this by imagining you project, or state it via affirmations, or whatever. It seemed like I succeeded with stripping away everything unnecessary. But then I had an spontaneous projection, which messed it all up. Not that it was the first spontaneous OBE in my life. In fact, I had a few of those during my career as an astral traveller. I was just ignoring them. Pretending that they were not there. Right when i thought astral projection had to do with a burning desire or intention, I realized that some OBEs dispensed with intention completely.

I was so obsessed with finding the key to astral projection in those OBEs I induced myself, that I was screening out those that happened involuntarily. I don't know why, but I guess it made more sense to find the how-to in the techniques rather than in...and then my mind went silent. I reached something important: a point of no-return. I realized something embarrassing: I had the answer in front of my eyes, but I kept pretending there was a hidden solution. But via spontaneous projections, the message was clear: it is not that those "spontaneous" projections weren't induced by me. NONE of my projections were induced by me! Its almost as if my unconscious was trying to tell me, via spontaneous projections, something like; "hey! its me who does it, not you".

At that point I understood the following: there is no method. We can't induce out-of-body experiences, nor lucid awareness in a dream. We don't really know how it is that the projection of consciousness occurs, or how lucidity pops up. We just get to experience it under certain conditions. All we do, really, is asking for projections to occur, while meeting the most optimal conditions for them to occur. That's the reason why spontaneous projections are kinda unconfortable for many and we try to screen them out, because they are trying to tell us about the illusion of method, and we as humans need to cling on a certain "how to", believing we are responsible for phenomena to occur. But we aren't. It is "something else" (the unconscious, the higher self, or whatever you want to call it) who kicks you out of your body, or triggers lucidity while dreaming. And when it occurs naturally, we try to understand how we did it, instead of realizing it isn't something we did, and thus opening ourselves to that same gift.

When I understood that, I began to do the following (the "no-method" method), and it ALWAYS works: I just lie down in the morning (to ensure that I don't fall asleep), close my eyes and simply ask this "unconscious" or whatever it is, to induce an OBE for me. And then I evoke this feeling of TRUST. I trust him, I trust that it will do the rest for me, because I understand that every time my consciousness escapes my body, it is this kind of higher consciousness or being who does it, not me. And this feeling of trust is the way to get rid of responsibility; in giving away this need for control and responsibility for the experience to occur, you also get rid of anxiety, fear and other emotions that boycott the outcome. So then, i just allow myself to drift with that feeling of peace, KNOWING that it will happen and I don't have to worry about it. Every time I do this, I get an amazing out of body experience. I just ask "the universe" to induce an OBE, and allow it to do its job. This same "method" (now you see why I refer to it as the illusion of method: you really don't do a thing) also applies to lucid dreaming: I just allow my higher self or unconscious mind or whatever to trigger lucid awareness for me, and go to sleep happily, knowing that it will happen.

To sum up, the answer is not in the techniques. All techniques are rituals we create to convince ourselves that we are the architects of the out of body experience, but we aren't. By acknowledging the one who DOES induce these kind of experiences, we get ourselves out of its way, we allow it to do its job and our emotions and feeling of responsibility no longer boycott the results. It is quite weird, even ironic to some extent, but it is also a relief in some way. You realize that you were never doing it wrong, because you can't do it. None of us have the supernatural power to separate consciousnesses from their bodies, its absurd. That being said, allow yourself to experience the OBE state, trusting your inner mind, knowing it will do this for you.

Exempt yourself from this responsibility and enjoy!

UPDATE: If you enjoyed the approach given in this post or found it useful, I am excited to announce that I just released an AP book on Amazon called "The Illusion of Method", which is an in-depth expansion of this guide: https://www.reddit.com/r/AstralProjection/comments/pc3ipt/my_ap_book_the_illusion_of_method_is_available_on/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[nephilimeq]

Accidentally in Love

Prompt: Didn't Realize They Were Dating

@bucktommyfluffebruary

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62721625/chapters/161775760

Buck stared at the calendar that he and Tommy left on the front of their fridge, checking to see when they were next going to the farmer’s market, as they were getting low on a few things that he needed for his next dinner dish that he wanted to try out.

He heard Tommy come in from the garage and called out over his shoulder, “Hey, babe, you need more organic apples for your smoothies?”

“Nope, switching over to blueberries,” his boyfriend replied.

Buck smiled at that, loving the fact that Tommy constantly switched between fruits every few weeks. He’d go on a kick for about a month at a time, all depending on whatever suited his mood, nothing to do with what was in season, and then would use only that fruit and talk obsessively about it during that time, going on deep dives in the same way that Buck usually did with his own interests. It was one of those things that he’d found out about him after they had started dating a second time, his obsession at the time being pears.

He made a note on their shopping list and then looked at when their next time having the kids over was supposed to be. After their weekend with all five of them, they had found that they wanted to do it again and so had made the arrangements…and from the look of things, it was still another three weeks until the sleepover.

Buck then sighed as he noted the lack of date nights on their calendar.

In fact, it had been a while since they’d gone a date, now that he thought of it.

They’d had their beach weekend, as well as their date two months ago for Valentine’s Day, but since then they hadn’t gone out for another date. Had they become complacent? He hated to think that after just a few months of living together, they had already fallen into a rut.

Feeling a bit unsettled, he looked at the rest of their calendar.

Under Thursday it said, 2pm p/u new gym equipment. Tommy had found a better lateral lift set up than the one he had and had made a deal with the guy online to trade it for some free car maintenance, and then they would be loading it into the back of his truck and bringing it home. Friday had a small note scrawled in red pen, Muay Thai practice w/ Evan, and on Saturday it said, farmers market, 11am, and as much as he enjoyed doing both of those things with him, he couldn’t help but feel like they had become a habit.

“Hey, uh…we should do something Saturday night,” he suggested as Tommy walked into the kitchen, wiping himself down with his workout towel.

His boyfriend gave him a look.

“Yeah, sure, I guess if you really wanna go out,” he said, opening the fridge and giving the shelves a once over. “But we have that amazing new recipe we were gonna try and I was finally going to get you to watch Serendipity with me—but if you want to, we can find something else to do…”

Buck shook his head.

“No, not…I mean, like…like a date. I thought we could go on a date,” he said, somehow feeling as flustered as he’d been when Tommy had first asked him out, and his boyfriend looked up from where he was seemingly debating whether or not their cheese was still good and arched an eyebrow at him.

“Evan, are you asking me out?” he said with a flirtatious smirk, popping out his hip, and he huffed out a laugh and shook his head a second time and said, “Yeah, I guess I am. I mean, c’mon, Tommy. Between the trips to the farmer’s market and the Muay Thai and the-the random trips to trade either my baked goods or your car maintenance skill for some new thing for the garage or the home gym, we don’t…we’ve not exactly been doing all that much,” he finished, feeling a bit put on the spot.

Tommys brow furrowed, and he gave Buck a look…

…and then he said, “Evan, we go out all the time. Do you not remember that cupcake place we went to yesterday?”

Buck shuffled his feet and replied, “Well, yeah, but that’s because you were searching for a new place that had some decent gluten free options after your doctor told you that you had a sensitivity,” and grabbed at the towel over his shoulder, needing something in his hands.

His boyfriend raised an eyebrow.

“Two weeks ago, we had lunch at the new place that Hen’s been telling you about for the past month, and just last week we went to the private tour that I gifted you for Valentine’s Day,” he added, and Buck nodded.

“Yeah, but that lunch was because neither of us had time to go home to pick up the leftovers that we were supposed to have,” the younger firefighter explained away a second time, still not sure why his boyfriend kept on giving him a look. “And-and the tour was a gift, and you’re not really a fan of that sort of thing, so it doesn’t count…”

His voice trailed off and he stared at Tommy, trying to figure out what was going on…

And then the older man started laughing, his eyes crinkling up in the corners as he shook his head and said, “Oh, god, you are so cute…”

Buck felt off-footed at his boyfriend’s amusement and stood there in the middle of the kitchen with a dish towel in his hands feeling like he had missed some part of their conversation—and then Tommy moved towards him and said, “Babe, we go out on dates all the time. Did someone tell you that a date had to have dinner or sex to make it a date?” he asked jokingly, and Buck flushed, not wanting to admit that he had thought it had to have some sort of romantic component to make it a date.

“Uh, I…uh I thought that one of us had to at least ask the other person out,” he hesitantly said, and Tommy grinned and replied, “I mean, yeah, sure, that’s always nice, but every single time we go out, just the two of us, and it doesn’t involve groceries,” he amended, “Then…yeah. I think of it as a date…”

Buck raised an eyebrow.

“You do?”

Tommy nodded.

“Yeah, I do. I mean, I do love our nicer dates, for sure, but I’ve been trying to make sure that we do things together every week so that neither of us feels neglected,” he explained, moving in closer than before and hooking a finger through one of firefighter’s belt loops. “If you want something nicer, though, to be reminded that you’re still being romanced, we can do that, too. I don’t want you to feel like I’m neglecting you…”

Buck felt his heart swell in his chest at his boyfriend’s sweet words and he tilted his head and regarded him softly, and then said, “You’re not neglecting me.”

“…But you’d like something fancy once in a while?”

He licked his lips. Nodded.

Tommy gave him one of those crinkly smiles that he loved so much and said, “I can do that. Hell, I love seeing you dressed up in a suit, so I’m not complaining. How about this, then.” He wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist. “Once a month I take us out someplace where we have to dress up. Doesn’t have to be expensive, but it does have to be an excuse where we get to see each other all fancy, and we can end the night with hot and sweaty sex every time. Does that sound good?” he asked, squeezing his waist…

…and Buck nodded a second time and said a bit emphatically, “Hell, yes. Besides, this means I get to see you in a suit, and that’s always a good thing, too,” and they grinned…and then leaned in at the same time and kissed, and Buck melted into the heat of it, never getting tired of feeling Tommy’s lips on his own.

Just as things started to heat up, however, his boyfriend’s phone suddenly went off.

“Mmf, have to get that,” he said, pulling away from the kiss to answer it.

He briefly glanced at the screen—and then Buck stared as the airman coldly and abruptly walked away from him as he took the call, catching a few words from the other end of the line that didn’t quite make sense, but he knew it was a man’s voice, and Tommy looked far too serious as he mouthed to him, ‘I’ll take it in the garage’, and then disappeared back where he had come from.

Okay, so they had some more dates planned—but what the hell had just happened?

Seconds ago they had been well on their way to nice, hot makeout session…but then with one phone call it had stopped?

Usually if someone called while they were making out, Tommy would let Buck go to town on his neck and jawline while he took the call and tried to make them finish it up as quickly as possible without them being any the wiser that anything was going on. It was a sort of game for the two of them to see how long the airman could keep quiet as Buck did his best to make him lose it enough to hangup on the person on the other end.

Instead, he was being given the cold shoulder.

Confused by the mixed signals, he went back to cleaning up the kitchen...and then less than a couple minutes later, his boyfriend was back, plastering himself to his back, saying into his ear, “Sorry about that, it was a work call. Looks like I’m gonna have to switch shifts with Lucy next week. I’ll be working Tuesday and Wednesday, instead of Wednesday and Thursday. You okay with that?”

Buck did his best to act unaffected, nodding and saying, “Yeah, that’s fine,” but fully knowing that it hadn’t been Lucy on the line.

It had been a man.

…why was his boyfriend lying to him?

But before he could think on it for too long, two warm hands slid down under the front of his sweatpants and a hot, wet mouth was on his ear, and everything was forgotten, especially when gentle teeth began to tug at his earlobe, short circuiting his brain in the best way possible, erasing any questions he had in his mind.

“So, I was thinking,” Tommy panted into his neck. “Saturday night, we skip the stay at home date and instead I take you out to this little place I know that has a dress code. How does that sound?”

He stared for a moment—and then nodded.

“Yeah, that-that sounds great,” he replied as his boyfriend’s hands dipped down even further and teased at his hips, fingers going dangerously close to where he really wanted them, his mouth now firmly attached to the back of neck where it felt like he was about to leave a very nicely sized bite mark. Buck let out a soft whine and panted as Tommy finally put his hand on his rising erection at the same time he bit sharply against his skin.

“Da…daddy,” he gasped out and he could feel Tommy grin against his neck as he said, “Yeah, I got you, baby boy…wanna take this upstairs?” and he nodded, soon all thoughts of the odd phone call erased from his mind as his boyfriend hauled them both upstairs to their bedroom.

It could wait.

[wheezyseeker99]

Guilty as Sin

Warnings: pining, alcohol consumption (just a little), swearing, smut in many forms aka masturbation (female), oral (female receiving), penetration (fm), and multiple orgasm

18+, MDNI

Summary: based on my interpretation of the song. Also if you can’t tell, I’m obsessed with the way he was as a whole on April 11, 2024.

Anyway, good luck soldiers if you read.

I moved in with my best friend Cam a few months ago. Reason being I wanted to work on the east coast, and he isn’t usually home often. So I take care of the house while he’s on the road, and I get to spend time with him when he is home. It’s a win-win for the both of us.

The longest stretch for when he’s home is when hockey is in its off season, which is supposed to start soon here in Philly. With this losing streak, they are definitely not making playoffs. It’s sad because they really did have a good season up until now.

Tonight Cam has an away game. I decided to stay home since I had to work so now I have the place alone once again. Earlier he sent me a song that reminded him of me, and that made my day so much better. Work has torn me to pieces lately, but today was rougher than others. I’m debating whether I should take a personal day tomorrow just to recuperate.

I’m sitting here putting the finishing touches on graded assignments before the game starts. I’m feeling tense. Sometimes I can’t figure out why I put myself through the torture of teaching children for a living. It’s so hard to do, but in the end, it’s so rewarding. I close my laptop and shove it with the graded assignments into my bag and grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen. It’s a normal occurrence at this point to watch the games with a drink in hand.

Right when I make it back into the living room, I glance up at the tv to see that TK passed the puck to Cam and he scored. I gape at the tv for a second.

My best friend just scored.

I jump up off the couch and shout in excitement. I pull out my phone and pose next to the moment on the screen, sending it to Cam for him to see later. In the heat of the excitement, I sit back down and continue watching the game.

When the first period is over, the score is tied. I think it’s almost safe to say the losing streak is over but I don’t want to jinx it. I finally decide it’s time to eat so I go to the kitchen and make a sandwich. Though, when I walk back I see Cam on the screen doing an intermission interview. I paused my eating mid-bite.

Holy shit. He looks hot as fuck right now.

I stare at him for the rest of the interview, spiraling. This isn’t the first time I thought of Cam in that way. Honestly, it’s always been in the back of my brain, but I don’t have the balls to act on it. Cam has always been the one that’s there for me. He cares about me and he actually listens to me. That’s a rarity for a man. He’s so precious, and I’m not screwing up our friendship because I’m touch starved.

For the rest of the game, I kept thinking of the things that I shoved deep inside my mind. And they all had to do with my best friend. The wine didn’t help with that either. I turned off the game and went to brush my teeth.

Cam probably won’t be home until the middle of the night so I leave a light on for him and trail into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I lay down and the thoughts are back immediately.

Maybe I should get it all out while he’s not here.

My inner voice usually doesn’t say yes to things so easily, but here I am, thinking about throwing my thoughts to the wolves. This is far too unhinged. Is it bad to think about him in this way? I rack my brain until my phone lights up with a message from Cam.

‘That’s my girl’ with a picture of him cheesing at the camera. My eyes trail over the picture, looking everywhere from his bare shoulders to his lips. It’s safe to say that I metaphorically want to jump his bones immediately. Feral as hell.

I plug in my phone and lay it on my bedside table, hoping that he doesn’t notice that I didn’t reply.

It’s helpless to be this way. I slide my shorts off, leaving me in a big tshirt, and lay down again. When I close my eyes, I see Cam. I let out a deep sigh. What if, just this once, I give in to it? No harm in rubbing one out while thinking about my best friend right?

I close my eyes again and trail my hand up my thigh. My fingers aren’t my own, they’re his. His lips messily attacking my own. I’m breathing hard, swirling my fingers around my clit.

Cam. Cam. Cam.

My mind is running wild with all of the things we’ve never did. The way he’d manhandle me sticks to my mind like glue. He’d mark my body as his. I tilt my head back and gasp when I press two fingers into myself, applying pressure to my clit with my thumb. Cam’s calloused fingers would feel so much better than my own. He would curl them in a certain way that would make me melt into the palm of his hand. I feel my body shaking and soon I’m chanting his name while I’m crashing through an orgasm.

When I open my eyes, I notice how labored my breathing is. I take a few minutes to regain my ability to breathe and fell asleep.

…

My dream is starting to feel so real. It’s like Cam is haunting me. He’s laying behind me in bed, sliding his hands against my bare thighs. I feel his lips against the back of my neck. But it’s not real. It can’t be. I keep my eyes closed while I whimper out his name. It really feels like I can feel his breath against the shell of my ear and hear him softly hum.

There are kisses being pressed down my neck onto my shoulder. The scratchiness of his beard scrapes the sensitive skin. I lean into the fantasy, reaching my hand behind me to grab onto his hair, moaning at the way his mouth feels against my skin. It feels soft against my hand. If only this was real.

I roll over and open my eyes, and the world stops. Blue eyes hold my gaze.

“This isn’t real.”

“It is.” He places a kiss on my jaw and then pulls away to look at me. “You called me and I assumed it was a mistake. I kept my airpods in just in case you just wanted company while you slept.” His hand goes back to stroking my thigh. “But then I heard you moaning and calling out my name. Care to comment on that?”

My skin is on fire when he touches me and his eyes are burning into me. I bite my lip, but he lifts his thumb up to set my bottom lip free from my teeth. I let out a deep sigh, trying to control myself. I have to be honest now. I lay onto my back and stare at the ceiling.

“I thought I only plugged in my phone to charge. I didn’t mean to call you. I’m sorry. I just-”

“You’re sorry for what exactly?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d ever find out.” I cover my face with my hands. “I really embarrassed myself and I’m sorry if it’s going to be weird between us now because of what I did.”

He pulls my hands away from my face and holds them. “I’m glad you did it. I’ve been holding back from this for a long time.”

I stared at him, more shocked than I’ve ever been before. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Think about it. Use that pretty brain.” He taps a finger to my forehead. “Was I not just kissing your skin baby?”

Oh wow.

I’m at a loss for words so I nod my head. He nods back at me, smiling broadly. “Exactly. I love you just as much as you love me. So tell me, may I kiss you some more?”

I nod again and press my lips to his. The world fades around us. Cam’s hands come to my hips and lifts me onto him. I’m straddling his lap and I gasp for air when our kiss breaks. I didn’t realize he’s only wearing underwear until now. My hands settle onto his bare shoulders, feeling his hot skin under my touch. This feels like a fantasy. He licks his lips, silently begging for more. There’s a spark in his eyes when he looks at me. He smoothes down my bed head, and tucks a stray hair behind my ear.

“This is what I wanted for so long.” His voice is low and it sends a shiver down my spine. “I’m sick of sharing you. You’re mine now.”

I gulp and mindlessly nod my head. I’m physically and mentally melting into him. His hands trail up and down my back, like he’s mapping out his territory, until they settle on my ass.

“Come on now baby. Cat got your tongue?” He smirks. “Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours Cam.”

“Mine.” He says through gritted teeth while he smacks my ass. He brings his mouth back to mine. The kisses are growing more urgent and heated, and I grind down onto his lap, needing more friction between my legs. He lets out a strangled groan into my mouth, smacking my ass again.

Cam removes his mouth from mine and moves it to nip at my neck. His beard grazes my skin, making my head tilt back. I moan out his name when he bites down on my pulse point. He reaches a hand between us, feeling my wetness over my underwear while I continue to grind into him.

“Who did this to you baby?”

“You.” I gasp. His fingers pull aside my underwear and press into my clit. I scream out and lay my head on his shoulder.

“Fuck. So pretty.” Two of his fingers circle against my clit until he presses them into me. I rock greedily onto them. “Look at you taking me so good.”

His praise has me clutching onto him for dear life. I have no other coherent thoughts besides him. I’m chanting out his name again for the second time tonight when I slam into the most mind blowing orgasm I’ve ever had. He brings his fingers up to his lips and sucks them, moaning at the taste of me. My hands drop to the waistband of his boxers. I start tugging them down while I give attention to his chest, lips meeting any piece of his skin I can reach.

Once I freed him from his boxers, he flips me over onto my back and takes off my panties and tshirt, leaving us both stripped down to nothing but skin.

Cam’s gaze shows an expression I’ve never seen him have before. It looks like a look of untamed desire. Kind of animalistic. I want him so bad. He’s back on me in an instant.

Our chests pressed together, mouth attacking mine. His hand lifts my thigh over his hip, sinking into me further. His hips move in long strokes. I moan into his mouth as he thrusts into me at a slow and steady pace. He’s taking his time.

We lose ourselves in each other and forget everything else. The feeling of him on top of me, in me, has me at an intoxicating level of ecstasy. Reality feels so far away, but we’re in it. I try to commit this all to memory until Cam moans into my mouth, biting down on my bottom lip as he lets my lips go. He starts going faster. He takes my hands and holds them above my head while he tucks his face into the crook of my neck. I scream out in bliss. The snapping of his hips blurs my vision and my body is aching to release.

“Please.” I stutter out. I’m too overwhelmed to say anything else. It’s too much.

“Let go baby. I’m-“ his voice breaks and he lets out a guttural moan. His desperate thrusts are starting to stagger when I tip over the edge. His mouth crashes down on mine, muting the whine that’s coming out of his throat. A wave of pure pleasure washes over us as we ride out our climax.

“Fuck I’m so in love with you.” He whispers against my lips. His chest is still heaving while he slides out of me. I’m lying here breathless and mind-numbingly blissed out. He looks down at me like I’m the greatest thing to ever happen to him. He bites his lip when he looks down at the mess we made and quirks a brow at me. “Think I need to clean you up now.”

Cam shuffles down the bed until he’s face to face with my soaked pussy. He swirls a finger around, mixing his cum with mine.

Oh my god.

I throw my head back and moan at how sensitive it feels. I try to squeeze my thighs together but he pries them open and lowers his mouth to taste me. My legs start shaking immediately. I grab onto his hair as he shoves his face further into me, licking every place he can before sucking my clit into his mouth which elicits another breathless scream from me. He chuckles against me but continues his assault. I’m writhing in pleasure until I come apart again, breathing hard as he licks me through my orgasm. My hands fall to the bed and he stands to leave. I whimper but he shushes me, saying he’d be back. Cam comes back with a wash cloth and gently wipes me clean.

After he takes the wash cloth back to the bathroom, he comes back and lays down with me. He pulls me into him, both of us still very naked. I lay my head on his chest and snuggling close. I love this feeling. I lift my chin to rest on his chest and look at his face. He has an arm tucked behind his head and the other plays with my hair.

Cam looks so content. He removes his hand from behind his head and lifts my thigh over him. He traces patterns on my upper thigh. It kind of feels like he’s tracing out the word ‘mine’ on it. I kiss his chest and smile to myself as I lay my head back down. I listen to his heart beat for a moment.

“We’re not just best friends anymore, huh?”

“No baby, we’re not. We’re so much more.”

[koalaforlife]

Happy Birthday, Hange Zoë

This is a story of how Hange became one of my favorite characters now after so long, and how I think they are one of the most underrated characters, always pushed aside (probably due to a lack of an emotional backstory and lack of the relatability factor). 

For starters, I will note that I will most likely end up referring to them as she/her because in my mind (thanks to the anime), I can’t help but see this character as a female and honestly, I’ve been struggling for Idk, all my life? to find a female character in any media that ticks all the boxes for me (I have plenty of ultimate faves in terms of male characters instead) and to my utmost surprise now, I think Hange just might be the one so allow me to fulfil my long-time desire of finding a great female character that I can call my ultimate favorite.

Also, it's important to mention that for the longest time, my favorite AoT characters had been Levi (ultimate bias) with Erwin coming in a veeeery close second. 

Let me start with the beginning. When I first saw her in the first season of SnK, the exaggerated reactions that were meant to be comic relief only made this “mad/obsessed” character more cringe to me. Not to say I hated them, I just…got second-hand embarrassment from watching them. I didn’t quite get a good grasp of the character and probably like 90% of the fandom, I just saw them as just another character fading in and out of the background, that at times helps the plot advance with some new bits of info.

Then, at some point, I probably saw some cool scenes of them that gave me a pleasant surprise (eg. when she threatens to push Pastor Nick off the wall) but as I was getting distracted by other, more impactful and shocking scenes, I wouldn’t really think much of it and I didn’t actually use them to form a full character portrait/depiction in my mind. These scenes, few and far between, were forgotten in the end.

When I became a more active reader and passionate fan, about 4 years ago I would say, somehow I ended up learning about the pair LeviHan, and it really won me over with their dynamics. Whether people choose to ship them romantically or not, there is nothing that can deny the fact that they had a special friendship in canon AoT. 

In any case, to my shame, I have to admit I started paying attention to Hange because of that ship, and though I didn’t realize it at that time, I liked her for the most part because of that ship. So basically, I liked her because of my favorite character, Levi. Of course, I still liked the legendary trio, Erwin, Hange, Levi, but again, I don’t think I was that attached to her as a singular character.

Soon after, I dropped out of fandom when the manga took a really weird turn for me. I started disliking it and it went on for a while. I lost my hope in it getting any better. I don’t know why it affected me THIS much but I can only assume it had something to do with my mental state back then. 

Now, after almost 4 years, I reprised the manga and watched the final season of the anime. I felt differently, way more tolerant and accepting of whatever direction the story was going to take. And I can’t say I am unhappy with it, I just think that certain parts seemed like cliches and overused tropes, which is not very characteristic of Isayama, but oh well. I think the poor man was exhausted and wanted to finish it asap, and I can’t blame him. 

Speaking of mental health, a few months back I had gone through a major shift where I started thinking more positively overall. I think this is important to mention because it’s probably why I also saw Hange with such different eyes this time. 

And, I think this is also why I finally got ready to read the rest of the manga, despite knowing she dies. That was the only spoiler I got, and when I first heard it years ago, I was “disappointed, but not surprised” - at that time like I said, I had lost all hope in the manga. And once again, I had felt more sad about it because of Levi, who’s lost everyone he cared for deeply and who understood him. Once again, I had failed to see Hange as a singular character with massive importance in the story, instead of just a convenient accessory to Levi. 

So why is this character important? There are many reasons why she was integral to the story, and inspirational to us readers, so I will try to summarize all that.

1. Open-mindedness

I don’t think most people remember (I know I didn’t) how she was the only one who first tried to challenge our perspective on titans. 

For decades, we've tried to fight the Titans with hatred in our hearts. I want to try and see them from a different angle than the current norm.

Call it maybe foreshadowing, or just Isayama trying hard to come up with a unique, arguably crazy character (that’s what I thought at the time), but when you think about it, it’s something that was desperately needed. When you don’t understand and know something, try to look at it from a different point of view. When you are afraid of something and the situation is dire, try to dare to hope there might be something good in it.

Armin: They decided we're devils without knowing our intentions? Why won't they consider a path of peace?

Mikasa: I think...because they don't know. They fear us because they don't know what we are.

Hange: That's right. They won't trust people whose faces they haven't seen. So let's meet 'em! If you don't understand something, go figure it out! Isn't that what we Scouts do?

That positivity, openness, and exuberance shines throughout most of the scenes we get with Hange in the first season, and when things get serious in Season 2, we also get a glimpse of their duality: though they were someone that faced titans with excitement, they were not to be messed with when it came to protecting people.

2. Humanity  / Emotional Intelligence

That duality becomes more apparent in Season 3, where we see them shine on their own. And btw, one of my kinks in this season/arc was the fact that the OP, goated trio, EruRiHan, were each on their own having to call the shots and contribute to the team’s success with little to no communication at times. Fills my heart with warm fuzzy feels and pride :D Anyway back to Hange. :D 

Hange displays some nice people skills as she is trying to tie the “reputation” loose end and clear their names and seek answers, truth, and justice, by collaborating with Flegel, Roy, and Beaure.

Some notable quotes here are the following:

[speech to flegel] Well, you have a point. The thing is, that doesn't sound like living to me. Look at it this way, Flegel. Instead of scampering around like a scared little mouse your whole life, wouldn't you rather face up to your enemy, even if it means risking your life--?

and one of my most favorites,

“What are you talking about? Defeat is all the Survey Corps have ever known. (said with a fucking sunshine on their face, because they are literal sunshine)

And when all is cleared up,

Levi: Looks like the gamble paid off.

Hange: Yeah. It wasn't just Erwin though. The lone choices of many managed to change the world.

This sentence  just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because it sounds inspirational to me: it's the small things we can all do that help shape the world, and it's not just the more inspirational, brave, and special people that bring change, it's all of us.

If for some reason the previous scenes weren’t enough to see what an empathetic and people-oriented person she was (eg. when she tries to befriend Eren, Levi and his friends, when she gives Sasha a potato as thanks, when she admits she wasn’t going to harm Pastor Nick, and was visibly disturbed by his death)….well this line I think perfectly shows how Hange encompasses teamwork, people’s unity, compassion, friendship. 

3. Mental Strength

However, at the same time, they are not afraid to get their hands dirty. Just like pretty much every relevant character in this story, they have to kill (or torture) to survive or to help humanity. That ability to know what needs to be done and get it done comes with a certain life experience and maturity that a lot of our main characters still have to achieve, which is probably why Hange gets overlooked as she already is a matured, developed character for the most part of the story, who doesn’t really need to make any life-altering decisions that shape their personality in one way or another.

But for me, that was a plus, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I love Armin’s growth, Conny’s development, Reiner and Annie’s inner conflicts, Historia’s whole arc, and some other minor character developments (Sasha and Ymir). But I can’t help but admire Hange now when I look at a more complete picture: a person with love for knowledge and love for life, but with a feral instict and strength to protect that same thing she loves - the lives of innocent people and the access to truth and knowledge.

There are people I want to bring back, too. Hundreds of them. I've had to say farewell since the day I joined the Scouts. But...You know, don't you? No matter who it is, there comes a day to say farewell. I know it's impossible, but you have to accept this. There will be times you can't keep your sanity. It's tough. Very tough. I know. Even so, we have to keep moving forward. 

4. Honesty and Accountability

Hange is blunt ("I agree. I thought it should've been used on Erwin...") and always takes responsibility for her decisions especially when she knows it might affect someone's mental state. ("The decision was mine. You were just a factor."/"I said the decision was mine."). I don't think people appreciate how important this is.

5. Flaws

When she gets overwhelmed with politics, responsabilities, and stress, and overpowered by the Jagerists, it is almost humiliating to see her cuffed and rendered useless, unable to do anything but follow the stronger ones. You can see how she slowly realizes that this surpasses her abilities to tackle the politics and the grim reality that the world most likely wants them dead. Defeated, she says

Erwin, you only made one mistake in your life. Why did you make me a commander?

I am sure some people would agree with her, but honestly, I disagree. First, there was literally no better option. Second, Erwin had an ability to see, understand, and manipulate people. If he nominated her, he must have believed in her enough, just as he believed in Levi and Armin when he entrusted them with crucial tasks. And third, some may argue that Erwin would have handled the situation better. But while Erwin might have probably been less stressed and overwhelmed with the political discussions, the reality would still be the same, and he would have had to work with the same equations and factors: world wants them dead, eren doesn’t want to sacrifice historia, eren wants the rumbling, what’s there to do? what could have Erwin done better in these circumstances? 

This new side of Hange’s character is really sad, but it makes her relatable in my opinion. I know a lot of people find other characters relatable instead, but for me this part right here speaks more to me than others. This sort of impostor syndrome (which Armin also suffers from), and the clear showcase of a character’s flaws and failures for the first time (when did we see Hange fail before?), all these things bring her down from the sort of “great character with no mistakes” pedestal and make her seem more like…us.

How many times did we not get some huge responsibility that we felt we were not good enough for, and doubted ourselves? Be it a project at work, leading a team, parenting, or even simple things like not being good enough at some hobby that you want to pursue, or good enough to be in a relationship with someone. These doubts are human and okay to have, and there's nothing wrong with that, but...

6. Resilience 

But what’s important is to keep moving forward and do your best, do whatever you can to change the outcome for the better, and if you fail, don’t go too hard on yourself. Hange knew that she did all she could, and she kept moving forward, even though she felt so down at times and almost as if she wanted to give up. 

Looks like my turn has come...even though I thought I did the right thing. Times change and you end up in a cell....What do you say we live out here, forever?

[a few moments later]

Levi: There's no way in hell you can stay out of the action.

Hange: Yeah, I can't. (bittersweet smile)

She does what she does best: she moves forward. She saves Levi and nurses him back to health, risking both of their lives in the process (I guess she was possessed by Erwin’s gambling spirit? :D or she was just THAT determined to ensure their survival). She seeks to form an alliance with the remaining survivors, including the Marleyans. 

In the forest scene, you could say that she is the one presiding over them, and the funny thing is, she does it while cooking dinner. It’s kind of symbolic if you ask me, as food is crucial to our survival, but it’s also something that brings people together. 

7. Integrity

One of the most powerful quotes in my opinion, is this one

I’ll be damned before we justify genocide somehow.

[manga: There is nothing anyone can say to change my mind about that.]

It really showcases her determination to save human lives and a core belief that makes her just more admirable in my opinion: genocide is wrong.

But I'm sure none of them would have been so selfish as to say..."as long as the island has freedom, that's all that matters."

Her demise is so characteristic of her - she’d always been fascinated with titans, but that never stopped her from killing them in order to survive and to save people’s lives. Her goodbye words to Levi and that lovely chuckle of hers once again reminded us of that familiar “all sunshine and rainbows” energy she always had. And then she fell like a burning star. 

The music choice couldn’t have been more perfect. I admit I didn’t even remember this song before, but now it’s one of my all-time favorites, and I can’t help but feel all kinds of bittersweet and nostalgic when I hear it now.

Hange is now my favorite character, up there with Levi, and irrespective of Levi and their relationship. I love her because to me she is relatable, because she encompasses pure things such as willingness to understand and accept things and people she doesn’t know, exuberance, love for life, and curiosity. I love her because of her duality- both flawed and strong, both sweet and menacing, and I love her because she never loses her integrity as a human being. Hange brought more to the story than most of us think, she wasn’t just comic relief or a vessel to share information about the lore, she brought our beloved characters together and nurtured them, and she was the embodiment of what the Survey Corps represented: exploration, understanding, and bravery. If Erwin was the mastermind that pushed them forward, and Levi the one that protected them the most, I like to think Hange was the glue that kept them together, and kept them going with her positivity and passion for life.

[cleverhottubmiracle]

“April showers bring May flowers,” as the old adage goes. But in this case it’s not a cliché—this saying actually serves as an allegory for the energy of the past few months. After weeks and weeks of tough astrology, we have a month of blessings coming, which will ease tension and help us all feel more excited about pursuing new horizons. March brought us a series of retrogrades, intense eclipses, and a movement from Neptune we hadn’t seen since the 1860s. It’s about time we caught a break from the universe. The first week of April will still feel a bit like March. On April 7, however, Mercury retrograde ends, which has been going on since March 15. As someone who is usually a fan of the self-reflection that comes with this transit, I can safely say that this time around, I am eating my words. That mental fog you’ve been experiencing will lift with Mercury moving forward. Still, Mercury isn’t the happiest in Pisces, but that doesn’t mean you should keep holding your breath. You may feel lingering confusion, like you’re viewing the world through a rose-tinted lens (because Pisces loves to ignore logic). But you might find that your mind also seeks a sense of fluidity. Consider what will allow you to explore your creativity and imagination. It’s very much giving The Artist’s Way. Your intuition will increase (logical reasoning will stay the same), so trust your gut to explore new ways to view the world, conduct your daily life, and communicate.The second of two retrogrades ends the following week, and we have our first lunation post-eclipse season. That’s right! Venus retrograde ends on the same day as the Libra full moon. The full moon will bring emotional balance and harmony to the forefront. Some may still feel a bit uneasy after the intensity of the past month, but the Libra full moon is the best time to let go of that lingering tension. Full moons are a time of release, so you may notice that you are letting go of any drama in your relationships, or even becoming more aware of how to approach conflict resolution. But if you’re unwilling to let go (or accept that there are two sides to the coin), passive aggression may reign supreme—so reflect on how the scales are unbalanced in your life and what you can do to bring them back to the center.As for Venus retrograde ending, this cosmic event will allow us to apply all the lessons of self-worth and creativity we learned in March. Reflect on what you gleaned when it comes to your values—and whether you use your resources in a way that honors those values. Additionally, you’ll notice relationship tensions easing up and money being put back into your wallet—if you make the changes you’ve felt intuitively pushed to make. Venus adores being in Pisces because it allows her to dissolve the barriers that keep us from enjoying life and loving freely. How can you be more fluid with your creative efforts and be less limited in how you experience beauty in the world?By the middle of the month, things heat up, with Mercury moving into Aries (April 16) and Mars moving into Leo (April 18). Mercury was in Aries a couple of weeks ago, but the pesky retrograde had the planet of mental processing dancing between signs. With this shift, communication becomes more forceful; you’ll be more likely to jump to conclusions. You could find yourself obsessing over singular objectives instead of flowing from one story to the next while Mercury is in Pisces. Thinking about the self and how you view the world becomes the lesson. The mind will be focused, not through arrogance (though it could be expressed that way), but rather to understand in which ways you need to be more assertive. And Mars, the planet of action and assertion, has not been in Leo for months! Because of Mars’s retrograde, we got a taste of what Mars in Leo teaches this past December—before quickly being stripped of all that passion. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, so now that he is in Leo, you can expect your energy to pick back up even more than before. The creative juices will flow, and you’ll feel like dancing, singing, moving, and grooving. Mars in Leo is about celebrating the self through unapologetic action. Go after what makes you shine; Leo loves the spotlight, and Mars fearlessly pursues its desires. How can you start to take up more space and explore the passions that honor your brightest self?Then, on April 19, Taurus season begins. After a turbulent Aries season (but what’s new? Aries is always tempestuous), we will be slowing down the right way. Taurus season shines a light on our values, self-worth, resources, and need for security. You’ll be more inclined to reflect on your spending (when it comes to both material and abstract goods). Ensure you have a security blanket always waiting for you once the sun moves into Taurus. Do you have enough money in your savings in case of an emergency? Do you have your favorite treats in the fridge for when you need something sweet? Do you have the relationships that keep you grounded when you feel like you’re crashing out? Taurus season will help reveal all of this to you—so start paying attention to what makes you feel safe.We have a stunning Taurus new moon on April 25. This is great because now that the ruling planet of this new moon, Venus, is no longer retrograde, you can manifest everything you felt was stripped away during March and early April. Much like how Taurus season will help you realize what brings you security, the new moon will also help you manifest that grounded feeling. This could look like starting a new job (one that pays more), starting a new relationship (whether plutonic or romantic), or even getting new possessions that remind you of your worth. The Taurus new moon is the first time in over a month we can manifest freely without the intensity of the eclipses throwing us off course—so make it count!The month ends with Venus returning to Aries after a long retrograde. Venus doesn’t love being in Aries (detriment) because the giving and supportive energy becomes more self-centered. However, this is a great time to think about what you need and how your values are being expressed. The focus comes back to what we desire and what allows us to feel joy—so you may feel slighted if the people around you are not giving you what you need. Additionally, Venus in Aries can be an impulsive spender and tends to jump to conclusions about the wants and needs of others. Ask yourself, “Do I need this?” And ask others, “Do you want (insert thing you hope to give them)?” Don’t make any unnecessary assumptions!Overall, April will help us move forward from the first three chaotic months of 2025. With the eclipses and retrogrades in the rearview mirror, we’ll feel clearer. The necessary steps to change will feel less exhausting, and our ability to hold space for ourselves unapologetically will be less guilt-ridden. Read your rising sign horoscope for a more specific look at what April will bring you—wishing you all the best!AriesApril will bring energy and intuitive action to your life—mostly because Aries season is still going strong during April. After several months of feeling like you aren’t enough and your efforts are futile, you should notice that the next few weeks will kick you into high gear, reenergizing you. With your ruling planet, Mars, moving through Cancer and into Leo this month, you’ll notice your energy shift from making efforts in the home and with your family to reprioritizing your passions. Start thinking about how you want to celebrate yourself and let that inner child out. Additionally, Venus will move out of your twelfth house and into your first house, bringing self-love back into the fold and allowing you to creatively reintroduce yourself to the world. If you feel confused about how to express that, trust your intuition: Neptune moved into Aries at the end of March, bringing awareness to your higher self.TaurusYour time to shine is almost here! Around the middle of the month, Taurus season is on the horizon—but before you can bask in the sun, take some time to enjoy the sun in your twelfth house, which will help you learn truths about your shadow self. Additionally, with your ruling planet, Venus, stationing directly this month, you will return to equilibrium. While Venus is in Pisces, you’ll want to reconnect with your people, spend time partying with friends, and engage with your community’s third spaces. When Venus moves into Aries toward the end of the month, you’ll feel the energy shift to a more reflective feeling, one that that intuitively guides you toward what you value and how to prioritize your self-worth. It’s a fabulous month for you to get creative and explore new ways to express yourself—especially with the new moon in your sign on April 25.GeminiGemini, with Mercury retrograde ending, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Being ruled by the planet of communication, you feel the effects of Mercury retrograde the hardest—so reflect on what themes and stories were coming forward over the past month. Were there any lingering thoughts that kept nagging at you? With Mercury dancing between your tenth and eleventh houses this month, you are reminded of your legacy and how that aligns with your dreams. You’re fortunate enough to still have Jupiter, the planet of expansion, in your sign! Start taking risks—with the retrograde season over, you’ll notice less fallback from trying something new that sparks your curiosity. Once Taurus season swings around, sit with your emotions and the shadow self to understand what truths are hiding, but yearning to be let out.CancerAfter a long month of eclipses, you probably feel pretty drained—either from the surge of energy that came your way or the intense lessons that knocked you down. Regardless, this month will help you connect with your support systems. The Libra full moon will help you cleanse the home and any tense lingering emotions that are keeping you unbalanced, while the new moon will help you connect with new social groups that keep you grounded. Don’t forget that Mars is finally moving out of your sign after being there for several months. Mars can be harsh on a sensitive soul like yourself. So, while you feel motivated to assert yourself, remember that once Mars moves into Leo, you can ground yourself with passion projects that keep your values at the forefront.LeoBeing ruled by the sun changing the seasons always gives you a new boost of energy. While Aries season takes up most of April, continue to let the spirit of adventure inspire you. In which direction do you feel called? Are there new journeys you want to go on? You may be looking to learn something new that will inspire you to view yourself more expansively. Aries season connects you to the ninth house, so stay curious and open-minded. When Taurus season comes around and the sun moves into your tenth house, your focus will shift toward your career and legacy. Start to explore professions that provide you security and align with your values. Lastly, with Mars moving out of Cancer and into your sign toward the end of the month, you’ll feel a cosmic kick in the ass that will help you execute everything that’s been building deep in your heart.VirgoBetween the eclipses and retrogrades, you are likely feeling emotionally drained. April will still be quite emotional—but thankfully, you’ll have a more direct understanding of what your emotions are guiding you toward. When Mercury retrograde ends, you’ll have more clarity about the position of your relationships with Mercury in Pisces. Then, once Mercury moves into Aries, you’ll feel inclined to spend more time with your emotions, exploring what you need to strip away to be more authentic and vulnerable. Don’t worry, though. When Taurus season comes through, you’ll allow yourself to be more open to changes as the sun lights up your ninth house, sending you on new adventures that will help you see the world with fresh eyes.LibraVenus retrograde has kept you feeling a bit topsy-turvy throughout March, but don’t fret—by the time it ends, you’ll be letting out a massive sigh of relief. Considering what parts of your routine feel messy or fell out of sync during the Venus retrograde would be worthwhile. And what relationships do you think are dragging you down? Pisces rules your sixth house of service and routines, and Aries rules your seventh house of relationships. As a result, this Venus retrograde has been urging you to find a balance between healthy routines that keep you connected to those who allow you to shine and the necessary boundaries to be in your peace. Any excess stress will have its chance to leave the chat with the full moon in Libra.ScorpioScorpio, the good news is that your ruling planet, Mars, is finally moving into a sign that will energize you. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, and with your natural sense of ambition being tampered, you’re likely frustrated that you haven’t been able to tackle all of your 2025 goals. Well, once Mars moves into Leo, you can expect to be able to plant the seeds and see them grow. What are you hoping to achieve through the rest of this year? Now is the time to manifest how you will tackle those goals. Think about who can help you. With the new moon in Taurus, you’ll find that new relationships will help ground you and keep you aligned with what you truly value. This may mean you must let some old relationships end, but truthfully, that is perfectly fine coming on the heels of Venus retrograde and a Libra full moon.SagittariusSagittarius, April will be quite chill for you. There aren’t too many dynamic shifts in the sky that will rock your world—which is interesting, given your natural affinity for rolling with the punches. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is still in Gemini in your seventh house of relationships. Jupiter will be here for a few more months, so allow yourself to be open to new relationships that keep you amenable to new ways of working, thinking, and sharing ideas. Additionally, the transition from Aries season to Taurus season will hopefully let you clean up any messes left behind from March. Taurus rules your sixth house of work service and routines, so your daily life will be the focus for the final days of the month.CapricornApril will ease some tension, as the retrogrades in Aries were probably getting under your skin. Now that the retrogrades are over, consider how you’ve felt inclined to work on communication and relationship issues at home. Are there any conflicts that feel unresolved? Do you feel like you or your loved ones need to reexamine boundaries? Additionally, your ruling planet, Saturn, is wrapping up its last full month in Pisces in April. Once Saturn moves into Aries in May, you may see some of the tense family moments come up again—so while Saturn is still in Pisces, challenge yourself to explore new ways of communicating your truth with your loved ones.AquariusApril will help you settle into a cozy vibe, Aquarius. Your ruling planets, Saturn and Uranus, are in Pisces and Taurus (second and fourth houses, respectively), allowing you to make vital changes to your home and emotional world that will provide you with more security. With Saturn in your second house, you are still letting go of old values and beliefs surrounding your self-worth; with Uranus in your fourth house, this is causing you to want to make changes to how you hold space for your family, express your emotions, and find sanctuary in your home. The good news is that once Taurus season comes along, you’ll see a light shine on what is necessary to make the house feel like a home, grounded in the essential changes you’ve been itching to make. Taurus takes things slow, so don’t rush these shifts, as they are essentially you rebuilding your safe space.PiscesNow that April is here, you are prepared for a new chapter. With the lingering retrograde energies in your sign (Mercury and Venus), you may feel as though you are still getting over certain hurdles that keep you in maladaptive states. Some of you may question your self-worth or struggle to express what you need. Remember that your ruling Planet, Neptune, moved into a new sign for the first time in over a decade at the end of March. With Neptune in Aries, you are transforming your values. Neptune in Aries is hot water, so don’t burn yourself (or others) while you’re reestablishing what you need. Think about how you can work more actively to explore your intuitive callings and prioritize dissolving old boundaries keeping you from honoring your most authentic self. Source link

[norajworld]

“April showers bring May flowers,” as the old adage goes. But in this case it’s not a cliché—this saying actually serves as an allegory for the energy of the past few months. After weeks and weeks of tough astrology, we have a month of blessings coming, which will ease tension and help us all feel more excited about pursuing new horizons. March brought us a series of retrogrades, intense eclipses, and a movement from Neptune we hadn’t seen since the 1860s. It’s about time we caught a break from the universe. The first week of April will still feel a bit like March. On April 7, however, Mercury retrograde ends, which has been going on since March 15. As someone who is usually a fan of the self-reflection that comes with this transit, I can safely say that this time around, I am eating my words. That mental fog you’ve been experiencing will lift with Mercury moving forward. Still, Mercury isn’t the happiest in Pisces, but that doesn’t mean you should keep holding your breath. You may feel lingering confusion, like you’re viewing the world through a rose-tinted lens (because Pisces loves to ignore logic). But you might find that your mind also seeks a sense of fluidity. Consider what will allow you to explore your creativity and imagination. It’s very much giving The Artist’s Way. Your intuition will increase (logical reasoning will stay the same), so trust your gut to explore new ways to view the world, conduct your daily life, and communicate.The second of two retrogrades ends the following week, and we have our first lunation post-eclipse season. That’s right! Venus retrograde ends on the same day as the Libra full moon. The full moon will bring emotional balance and harmony to the forefront. Some may still feel a bit uneasy after the intensity of the past month, but the Libra full moon is the best time to let go of that lingering tension. Full moons are a time of release, so you may notice that you are letting go of any drama in your relationships, or even becoming more aware of how to approach conflict resolution. But if you’re unwilling to let go (or accept that there are two sides to the coin), passive aggression may reign supreme—so reflect on how the scales are unbalanced in your life and what you can do to bring them back to the center.As for Venus retrograde ending, this cosmic event will allow us to apply all the lessons of self-worth and creativity we learned in March. Reflect on what you gleaned when it comes to your values—and whether you use your resources in a way that honors those values. Additionally, you’ll notice relationship tensions easing up and money being put back into your wallet—if you make the changes you’ve felt intuitively pushed to make. Venus adores being in Pisces because it allows her to dissolve the barriers that keep us from enjoying life and loving freely. How can you be more fluid with your creative efforts and be less limited in how you experience beauty in the world?By the middle of the month, things heat up, with Mercury moving into Aries (April 16) and Mars moving into Leo (April 18). Mercury was in Aries a couple of weeks ago, but the pesky retrograde had the planet of mental processing dancing between signs. With this shift, communication becomes more forceful; you’ll be more likely to jump to conclusions. You could find yourself obsessing over singular objectives instead of flowing from one story to the next while Mercury is in Pisces. Thinking about the self and how you view the world becomes the lesson. The mind will be focused, not through arrogance (though it could be expressed that way), but rather to understand in which ways you need to be more assertive. And Mars, the planet of action and assertion, has not been in Leo for months! Because of Mars’s retrograde, we got a taste of what Mars in Leo teaches this past December—before quickly being stripped of all that passion. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, so now that he is in Leo, you can expect your energy to pick back up even more than before. The creative juices will flow, and you’ll feel like dancing, singing, moving, and grooving. Mars in Leo is about celebrating the self through unapologetic action. Go after what makes you shine; Leo loves the spotlight, and Mars fearlessly pursues its desires. How can you start to take up more space and explore the passions that honor your brightest self?Then, on April 19, Taurus season begins. After a turbulent Aries season (but what’s new? Aries is always tempestuous), we will be slowing down the right way. Taurus season shines a light on our values, self-worth, resources, and need for security. You’ll be more inclined to reflect on your spending (when it comes to both material and abstract goods). Ensure you have a security blanket always waiting for you once the sun moves into Taurus. Do you have enough money in your savings in case of an emergency? Do you have your favorite treats in the fridge for when you need something sweet? Do you have the relationships that keep you grounded when you feel like you’re crashing out? Taurus season will help reveal all of this to you—so start paying attention to what makes you feel safe.We have a stunning Taurus new moon on April 25. This is great because now that the ruling planet of this new moon, Venus, is no longer retrograde, you can manifest everything you felt was stripped away during March and early April. Much like how Taurus season will help you realize what brings you security, the new moon will also help you manifest that grounded feeling. This could look like starting a new job (one that pays more), starting a new relationship (whether plutonic or romantic), or even getting new possessions that remind you of your worth. The Taurus new moon is the first time in over a month we can manifest freely without the intensity of the eclipses throwing us off course—so make it count!The month ends with Venus returning to Aries after a long retrograde. Venus doesn’t love being in Aries (detriment) because the giving and supportive energy becomes more self-centered. However, this is a great time to think about what you need and how your values are being expressed. The focus comes back to what we desire and what allows us to feel joy—so you may feel slighted if the people around you are not giving you what you need. Additionally, Venus in Aries can be an impulsive spender and tends to jump to conclusions about the wants and needs of others. Ask yourself, “Do I need this?” And ask others, “Do you want (insert thing you hope to give them)?” Don’t make any unnecessary assumptions!Overall, April will help us move forward from the first three chaotic months of 2025. With the eclipses and retrogrades in the rearview mirror, we’ll feel clearer. The necessary steps to change will feel less exhausting, and our ability to hold space for ourselves unapologetically will be less guilt-ridden. Read your rising sign horoscope for a more specific look at what April will bring you—wishing you all the best!AriesApril will bring energy and intuitive action to your life—mostly because Aries season is still going strong during April. After several months of feeling like you aren’t enough and your efforts are futile, you should notice that the next few weeks will kick you into high gear, reenergizing you. With your ruling planet, Mars, moving through Cancer and into Leo this month, you’ll notice your energy shift from making efforts in the home and with your family to reprioritizing your passions. Start thinking about how you want to celebrate yourself and let that inner child out. Additionally, Venus will move out of your twelfth house and into your first house, bringing self-love back into the fold and allowing you to creatively reintroduce yourself to the world. If you feel confused about how to express that, trust your intuition: Neptune moved into Aries at the end of March, bringing awareness to your higher self.TaurusYour time to shine is almost here! Around the middle of the month, Taurus season is on the horizon—but before you can bask in the sun, take some time to enjoy the sun in your twelfth house, which will help you learn truths about your shadow self. Additionally, with your ruling planet, Venus, stationing directly this month, you will return to equilibrium. While Venus is in Pisces, you’ll want to reconnect with your people, spend time partying with friends, and engage with your community’s third spaces. When Venus moves into Aries toward the end of the month, you’ll feel the energy shift to a more reflective feeling, one that that intuitively guides you toward what you value and how to prioritize your self-worth. It’s a fabulous month for you to get creative and explore new ways to express yourself—especially with the new moon in your sign on April 25.GeminiGemini, with Mercury retrograde ending, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Being ruled by the planet of communication, you feel the effects of Mercury retrograde the hardest—so reflect on what themes and stories were coming forward over the past month. Were there any lingering thoughts that kept nagging at you? With Mercury dancing between your tenth and eleventh houses this month, you are reminded of your legacy and how that aligns with your dreams. You’re fortunate enough to still have Jupiter, the planet of expansion, in your sign! Start taking risks—with the retrograde season over, you’ll notice less fallback from trying something new that sparks your curiosity. Once Taurus season swings around, sit with your emotions and the shadow self to understand what truths are hiding, but yearning to be let out.CancerAfter a long month of eclipses, you probably feel pretty drained—either from the surge of energy that came your way or the intense lessons that knocked you down. Regardless, this month will help you connect with your support systems. The Libra full moon will help you cleanse the home and any tense lingering emotions that are keeping you unbalanced, while the new moon will help you connect with new social groups that keep you grounded. Don’t forget that Mars is finally moving out of your sign after being there for several months. Mars can be harsh on a sensitive soul like yourself. So, while you feel motivated to assert yourself, remember that once Mars moves into Leo, you can ground yourself with passion projects that keep your values at the forefront.LeoBeing ruled by the sun changing the seasons always gives you a new boost of energy. While Aries season takes up most of April, continue to let the spirit of adventure inspire you. In which direction do you feel called? Are there new journeys you want to go on? You may be looking to learn something new that will inspire you to view yourself more expansively. Aries season connects you to the ninth house, so stay curious and open-minded. When Taurus season comes around and the sun moves into your tenth house, your focus will shift toward your career and legacy. Start to explore professions that provide you security and align with your values. Lastly, with Mars moving out of Cancer and into your sign toward the end of the month, you’ll feel a cosmic kick in the ass that will help you execute everything that’s been building deep in your heart.VirgoBetween the eclipses and retrogrades, you are likely feeling emotionally drained. April will still be quite emotional—but thankfully, you’ll have a more direct understanding of what your emotions are guiding you toward. When Mercury retrograde ends, you’ll have more clarity about the position of your relationships with Mercury in Pisces. Then, once Mercury moves into Aries, you’ll feel inclined to spend more time with your emotions, exploring what you need to strip away to be more authentic and vulnerable. Don’t worry, though. When Taurus season comes through, you’ll allow yourself to be more open to changes as the sun lights up your ninth house, sending you on new adventures that will help you see the world with fresh eyes.LibraVenus retrograde has kept you feeling a bit topsy-turvy throughout March, but don’t fret—by the time it ends, you’ll be letting out a massive sigh of relief. Considering what parts of your routine feel messy or fell out of sync during the Venus retrograde would be worthwhile. And what relationships do you think are dragging you down? Pisces rules your sixth house of service and routines, and Aries rules your seventh house of relationships. As a result, this Venus retrograde has been urging you to find a balance between healthy routines that keep you connected to those who allow you to shine and the necessary boundaries to be in your peace. Any excess stress will have its chance to leave the chat with the full moon in Libra.ScorpioScorpio, the good news is that your ruling planet, Mars, is finally moving into a sign that will energize you. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, and with your natural sense of ambition being tampered, you’re likely frustrated that you haven’t been able to tackle all of your 2025 goals. Well, once Mars moves into Leo, you can expect to be able to plant the seeds and see them grow. What are you hoping to achieve through the rest of this year? Now is the time to manifest how you will tackle those goals. Think about who can help you. With the new moon in Taurus, you’ll find that new relationships will help ground you and keep you aligned with what you truly value. This may mean you must let some old relationships end, but truthfully, that is perfectly fine coming on the heels of Venus retrograde and a Libra full moon.SagittariusSagittarius, April will be quite chill for you. There aren’t too many dynamic shifts in the sky that will rock your world—which is interesting, given your natural affinity for rolling with the punches. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is still in Gemini in your seventh house of relationships. Jupiter will be here for a few more months, so allow yourself to be open to new relationships that keep you amenable to new ways of working, thinking, and sharing ideas. Additionally, the transition from Aries season to Taurus season will hopefully let you clean up any messes left behind from March. Taurus rules your sixth house of work service and routines, so your daily life will be the focus for the final days of the month.CapricornApril will ease some tension, as the retrogrades in Aries were probably getting under your skin. Now that the retrogrades are over, consider how you’ve felt inclined to work on communication and relationship issues at home. Are there any conflicts that feel unresolved? Do you feel like you or your loved ones need to reexamine boundaries? Additionally, your ruling planet, Saturn, is wrapping up its last full month in Pisces in April. Once Saturn moves into Aries in May, you may see some of the tense family moments come up again—so while Saturn is still in Pisces, challenge yourself to explore new ways of communicating your truth with your loved ones.AquariusApril will help you settle into a cozy vibe, Aquarius. Your ruling planets, Saturn and Uranus, are in Pisces and Taurus (second and fourth houses, respectively), allowing you to make vital changes to your home and emotional world that will provide you with more security. With Saturn in your second house, you are still letting go of old values and beliefs surrounding your self-worth; with Uranus in your fourth house, this is causing you to want to make changes to how you hold space for your family, express your emotions, and find sanctuary in your home. The good news is that once Taurus season comes along, you’ll see a light shine on what is necessary to make the house feel like a home, grounded in the essential changes you’ve been itching to make. Taurus takes things slow, so don’t rush these shifts, as they are essentially you rebuilding your safe space.PiscesNow that April is here, you are prepared for a new chapter. With the lingering retrograde energies in your sign (Mercury and Venus), you may feel as though you are still getting over certain hurdles that keep you in maladaptive states. Some of you may question your self-worth or struggle to express what you need. Remember that your ruling Planet, Neptune, moved into a new sign for the first time in over a decade at the end of March. With Neptune in Aries, you are transforming your values. Neptune in Aries is hot water, so don’t burn yourself (or others) while you’re reestablishing what you need. Think about how you can work more actively to explore your intuitive callings and prioritize dissolving old boundaries keeping you from honoring your most authentic self. Source link

[chilimili212]

“April showers bring May flowers,” as the old adage goes. But in this case it’s not a cliché—this saying actually serves as an allegory for the energy of the past few months. After weeks and weeks of tough astrology, we have a month of blessings coming, which will ease tension and help us all feel more excited about pursuing new horizons. March brought us a series of retrogrades, intense eclipses, and a movement from Neptune we hadn’t seen since the 1860s. It’s about time we caught a break from the universe. The first week of April will still feel a bit like March. On April 7, however, Mercury retrograde ends, which has been going on since March 15. As someone who is usually a fan of the self-reflection that comes with this transit, I can safely say that this time around, I am eating my words. That mental fog you’ve been experiencing will lift with Mercury moving forward. Still, Mercury isn’t the happiest in Pisces, but that doesn’t mean you should keep holding your breath. You may feel lingering confusion, like you’re viewing the world through a rose-tinted lens (because Pisces loves to ignore logic). But you might find that your mind also seeks a sense of fluidity. Consider what will allow you to explore your creativity and imagination. It’s very much giving The Artist’s Way. Your intuition will increase (logical reasoning will stay the same), so trust your gut to explore new ways to view the world, conduct your daily life, and communicate.The second of two retrogrades ends the following week, and we have our first lunation post-eclipse season. That’s right! Venus retrograde ends on the same day as the Libra full moon. The full moon will bring emotional balance and harmony to the forefront. Some may still feel a bit uneasy after the intensity of the past month, but the Libra full moon is the best time to let go of that lingering tension. Full moons are a time of release, so you may notice that you are letting go of any drama in your relationships, or even becoming more aware of how to approach conflict resolution. But if you’re unwilling to let go (or accept that there are two sides to the coin), passive aggression may reign supreme—so reflect on how the scales are unbalanced in your life and what you can do to bring them back to the center.As for Venus retrograde ending, this cosmic event will allow us to apply all the lessons of self-worth and creativity we learned in March. Reflect on what you gleaned when it comes to your values—and whether you use your resources in a way that honors those values. Additionally, you’ll notice relationship tensions easing up and money being put back into your wallet—if you make the changes you’ve felt intuitively pushed to make. Venus adores being in Pisces because it allows her to dissolve the barriers that keep us from enjoying life and loving freely. How can you be more fluid with your creative efforts and be less limited in how you experience beauty in the world?By the middle of the month, things heat up, with Mercury moving into Aries (April 16) and Mars moving into Leo (April 18). Mercury was in Aries a couple of weeks ago, but the pesky retrograde had the planet of mental processing dancing between signs. With this shift, communication becomes more forceful; you’ll be more likely to jump to conclusions. You could find yourself obsessing over singular objectives instead of flowing from one story to the next while Mercury is in Pisces. Thinking about the self and how you view the world becomes the lesson. The mind will be focused, not through arrogance (though it could be expressed that way), but rather to understand in which ways you need to be more assertive. And Mars, the planet of action and assertion, has not been in Leo for months! Because of Mars’s retrograde, we got a taste of what Mars in Leo teaches this past December—before quickly being stripped of all that passion. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, so now that he is in Leo, you can expect your energy to pick back up even more than before. The creative juices will flow, and you’ll feel like dancing, singing, moving, and grooving. Mars in Leo is about celebrating the self through unapologetic action. Go after what makes you shine; Leo loves the spotlight, and Mars fearlessly pursues its desires. How can you start to take up more space and explore the passions that honor your brightest self?Then, on April 19, Taurus season begins. After a turbulent Aries season (but what’s new? Aries is always tempestuous), we will be slowing down the right way. Taurus season shines a light on our values, self-worth, resources, and need for security. You’ll be more inclined to reflect on your spending (when it comes to both material and abstract goods). Ensure you have a security blanket always waiting for you once the sun moves into Taurus. Do you have enough money in your savings in case of an emergency? Do you have your favorite treats in the fridge for when you need something sweet? Do you have the relationships that keep you grounded when you feel like you’re crashing out? Taurus season will help reveal all of this to you—so start paying attention to what makes you feel safe.We have a stunning Taurus new moon on April 25. This is great because now that the ruling planet of this new moon, Venus, is no longer retrograde, you can manifest everything you felt was stripped away during March and early April. Much like how Taurus season will help you realize what brings you security, the new moon will also help you manifest that grounded feeling. This could look like starting a new job (one that pays more), starting a new relationship (whether plutonic or romantic), or even getting new possessions that remind you of your worth. The Taurus new moon is the first time in over a month we can manifest freely without the intensity of the eclipses throwing us off course—so make it count!The month ends with Venus returning to Aries after a long retrograde. Venus doesn’t love being in Aries (detriment) because the giving and supportive energy becomes more self-centered. However, this is a great time to think about what you need and how your values are being expressed. The focus comes back to what we desire and what allows us to feel joy—so you may feel slighted if the people around you are not giving you what you need. Additionally, Venus in Aries can be an impulsive spender and tends to jump to conclusions about the wants and needs of others. Ask yourself, “Do I need this?” And ask others, “Do you want (insert thing you hope to give them)?” Don’t make any unnecessary assumptions!Overall, April will help us move forward from the first three chaotic months of 2025. With the eclipses and retrogrades in the rearview mirror, we’ll feel clearer. The necessary steps to change will feel less exhausting, and our ability to hold space for ourselves unapologetically will be less guilt-ridden. Read your rising sign horoscope for a more specific look at what April will bring you—wishing you all the best!AriesApril will bring energy and intuitive action to your life—mostly because Aries season is still going strong during April. After several months of feeling like you aren’t enough and your efforts are futile, you should notice that the next few weeks will kick you into high gear, reenergizing you. With your ruling planet, Mars, moving through Cancer and into Leo this month, you’ll notice your energy shift from making efforts in the home and with your family to reprioritizing your passions. Start thinking about how you want to celebrate yourself and let that inner child out. Additionally, Venus will move out of your twelfth house and into your first house, bringing self-love back into the fold and allowing you to creatively reintroduce yourself to the world. If you feel confused about how to express that, trust your intuition: Neptune moved into Aries at the end of March, bringing awareness to your higher self.TaurusYour time to shine is almost here! Around the middle of the month, Taurus season is on the horizon—but before you can bask in the sun, take some time to enjoy the sun in your twelfth house, which will help you learn truths about your shadow self. Additionally, with your ruling planet, Venus, stationing directly this month, you will return to equilibrium. While Venus is in Pisces, you’ll want to reconnect with your people, spend time partying with friends, and engage with your community’s third spaces. When Venus moves into Aries toward the end of the month, you’ll feel the energy shift to a more reflective feeling, one that that intuitively guides you toward what you value and how to prioritize your self-worth. It’s a fabulous month for you to get creative and explore new ways to express yourself—especially with the new moon in your sign on April 25.GeminiGemini, with Mercury retrograde ending, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Being ruled by the planet of communication, you feel the effects of Mercury retrograde the hardest—so reflect on what themes and stories were coming forward over the past month. Were there any lingering thoughts that kept nagging at you? With Mercury dancing between your tenth and eleventh houses this month, you are reminded of your legacy and how that aligns with your dreams. You’re fortunate enough to still have Jupiter, the planet of expansion, in your sign! Start taking risks—with the retrograde season over, you’ll notice less fallback from trying something new that sparks your curiosity. Once Taurus season swings around, sit with your emotions and the shadow self to understand what truths are hiding, but yearning to be let out.CancerAfter a long month of eclipses, you probably feel pretty drained—either from the surge of energy that came your way or the intense lessons that knocked you down. Regardless, this month will help you connect with your support systems. The Libra full moon will help you cleanse the home and any tense lingering emotions that are keeping you unbalanced, while the new moon will help you connect with new social groups that keep you grounded. Don’t forget that Mars is finally moving out of your sign after being there for several months. Mars can be harsh on a sensitive soul like yourself. So, while you feel motivated to assert yourself, remember that once Mars moves into Leo, you can ground yourself with passion projects that keep your values at the forefront.LeoBeing ruled by the sun changing the seasons always gives you a new boost of energy. While Aries season takes up most of April, continue to let the spirit of adventure inspire you. In which direction do you feel called? Are there new journeys you want to go on? You may be looking to learn something new that will inspire you to view yourself more expansively. Aries season connects you to the ninth house, so stay curious and open-minded. When Taurus season comes around and the sun moves into your tenth house, your focus will shift toward your career and legacy. Start to explore professions that provide you security and align with your values. Lastly, with Mars moving out of Cancer and into your sign toward the end of the month, you’ll feel a cosmic kick in the ass that will help you execute everything that’s been building deep in your heart.VirgoBetween the eclipses and retrogrades, you are likely feeling emotionally drained. April will still be quite emotional—but thankfully, you’ll have a more direct understanding of what your emotions are guiding you toward. When Mercury retrograde ends, you’ll have more clarity about the position of your relationships with Mercury in Pisces. Then, once Mercury moves into Aries, you’ll feel inclined to spend more time with your emotions, exploring what you need to strip away to be more authentic and vulnerable. Don’t worry, though. When Taurus season comes through, you’ll allow yourself to be more open to changes as the sun lights up your ninth house, sending you on new adventures that will help you see the world with fresh eyes.LibraVenus retrograde has kept you feeling a bit topsy-turvy throughout March, but don’t fret—by the time it ends, you’ll be letting out a massive sigh of relief. Considering what parts of your routine feel messy or fell out of sync during the Venus retrograde would be worthwhile. And what relationships do you think are dragging you down? Pisces rules your sixth house of service and routines, and Aries rules your seventh house of relationships. As a result, this Venus retrograde has been urging you to find a balance between healthy routines that keep you connected to those who allow you to shine and the necessary boundaries to be in your peace. Any excess stress will have its chance to leave the chat with the full moon in Libra.ScorpioScorpio, the good news is that your ruling planet, Mars, is finally moving into a sign that will energize you. Mars doesn’t love being in Cancer, and with your natural sense of ambition being tampered, you’re likely frustrated that you haven’t been able to tackle all of your 2025 goals. Well, once Mars moves into Leo, you can expect to be able to plant the seeds and see them grow. What are you hoping to achieve through the rest of this year? Now is the time to manifest how you will tackle those goals. Think about who can help you. With the new moon in Taurus, you’ll find that new relationships will help ground you and keep you aligned with what you truly value. This may mean you must let some old relationships end, but truthfully, that is perfectly fine coming on the heels of Venus retrograde and a Libra full moon.SagittariusSagittarius, April will be quite chill for you. There aren’t too many dynamic shifts in the sky that will rock your world—which is interesting, given your natural affinity for rolling with the punches. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, is still in Gemini in your seventh house of relationships. Jupiter will be here for a few more months, so allow yourself to be open to new relationships that keep you amenable to new ways of working, thinking, and sharing ideas. Additionally, the transition from Aries season to Taurus season will hopefully let you clean up any messes left behind from March. Taurus rules your sixth house of work service and routines, so your daily life will be the focus for the final days of the month.CapricornApril will ease some tension, as the retrogrades in Aries were probably getting under your skin. Now that the retrogrades are over, consider how you’ve felt inclined to work on communication and relationship issues at home. Are there any conflicts that feel unresolved? Do you feel like you or your loved ones need to reexamine boundaries? Additionally, your ruling planet, Saturn, is wrapping up its last full month in Pisces in April. Once Saturn moves into Aries in May, you may see some of the tense family moments come up again—so while Saturn is still in Pisces, challenge yourself to explore new ways of communicating your truth with your loved ones.AquariusApril will help you settle into a cozy vibe, Aquarius. Your ruling planets, Saturn and Uranus, are in Pisces and Taurus (second and fourth houses, respectively), allowing you to make vital changes to your home and emotional world that will provide you with more security. With Saturn in your second house, you are still letting go of old values and beliefs surrounding your self-worth; with Uranus in your fourth house, this is causing you to want to make changes to how you hold space for your family, express your emotions, and find sanctuary in your home. The good news is that once Taurus season comes along, you’ll see a light shine on what is necessary to make the house feel like a home, grounded in the essential changes you’ve been itching to make. Taurus takes things slow, so don’t rush these shifts, as they are essentially you rebuilding your safe space.PiscesNow that April is here, you are prepared for a new chapter. With the lingering retrograde energies in your sign (Mercury and Venus), you may feel as though you are still getting over certain hurdles that keep you in maladaptive states. Some of you may question your self-worth or struggle to express what you need. Remember that your ruling Planet, Neptune, moved into a new sign for the first time in over a decade at the end of March. With Neptune in Aries, you are transforming your values. Neptune in Aries is hot water, so don’t burn yourself (or others) while you’re reestablishing what you need. Think about how you can work more actively to explore your intuitive callings and prioritize dissolving old boundaries keeping you from honoring your most authentic self. Source link

[whorecorelover]

Hola people of tumblr. It is I. Here, yet again for another diary entry.

I have so far cried for about seven times today, not counting the tears from the past half hour. This place is difficult. It is full of hate. Makes me get full of hate as well.

I hate how some parents do not want toddlers, kids, children, teenagers and adults. They want babies. You know why I think that’s the case? Babies are soft, they are cute, they are chubby, they are biteable, yes. But babies have no power over you. They are dependent on you. They are like little dolls you pick up and show people around like how you did when you were little with your Barbie’s. Look this is my baby. It cant do anything and will listen to whatever I say without questioning, because it cant think.

It is unmistakably what the case is with my parents, more with my dad. It is exhausting. I’m not 3 anymore, you cant do that anymore and you cant expect me to let you do that anymore. I am not yours anymore, I was never anyone’s to begin with. I have always been aware of how distant we got the more I grew up, I just never thought he would have resented the idea of someone especially his daughter growing up. I was wrong apparently. Other than the countless humiliations in front of big crowds he and my brothers has inflicted on me he kept mentioning how he doesn’t need to ask permission to hit me because I am his.

No I am not. I am not yours. I never was. And I never will be. His obsessive behavior with my mistakes with my actions or rather with anything I do or say is making me feel disgusting. I feel physically sick because of him. I feel angry.

I miss who I was a few weeks ago. Calm and loving without this constant anger, state of survival and being triggered all the time. If I were in that country still (will go back in a months time) I would have gotten myself my biweekly flowers. Cleaned my room. Got more blue tack so I could put up more pictures and postcards on my walls. I would have started praying, being close to God. Would have used the prayer mat and the dua my boyfriend got for me. I would have spent time with him. Went out on small dates, whether to a pub, bar, museum, or just the gym and home. I miss him. Haven’t spoken properly to him about six days at this point (he is at a festival).

I miss the life I built for myself in university. I cannot wait to go back to it. But for now here are some good things that happened to me today:

🩷I had this dessert that I have been thinking for a while. It was so sugary but so good. Diabetes in a plate.

🩷I talked with a friend who lives in germany. We haven’t talked for a while I really missed him.

🩷I saw a lot of kedys today.

🩷I found a book that I seem to like so far. I haven’t picked up a book in ages that wasnt forced onto me by my father. I might buy it!

If you have read so far, I hope whatever you have on your plate comes easy to you and I hope you try to surround yourself with love always.

Thank you for reading, here is a picture of a distinguished gentleman I saw today.

[johnhardinsawyer]

From Beginning to End

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

5 / 12 / 24 – Seventh Sunday of Easter / Mother’s Day

1 Corinthians 15:1-11, 20-26, 47-57

“From Beginning to End”

(A Year in Review)

When it comes to reading the Bible, where do we even begin?  I guess we could start at the very beginning.  I’ve heard it’s a very good place to start.  People will often sit down and start to read the Bible, beginning in the Book of Genesis.  But, somewhere along the way – usually partway through Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, or Deuteronomy – folks will often get bogged down.  At this point in the Bible, there are a lot of ancient laws and it can be tricky to understand what’s going on.  

If people get bogged down, but they are determined to keep going, they might ask around and try again and start reading at the beginning of the New Testament – starting with the Gospel of Matthew.  And then, somewhere along the way – usually the first couple of pages of Mark or Luke – they might end up saying, “Wait!  Didn’t I just read this exact same story, just with a few different details?”  It’s true!  The first three Gospels use a lot of the same material, but have a few different details.  Which account of Jesus is the correct one?  Well. . . they all are correct, even if they don’t entirely match up.  

The Bible is a deep and complex book and people have been exploring these depths for thousands of years.  They will sometimes try to categorize or summarize the Bible and this can be helpful, but not entirely fulfilling in terms of the depth and breadth of Biblical literature.  In a recent radio interview, the author Salman Rushdie – a lifelong atheist – said, “Like most atheists, I’m obsessed with [religious texts].”[1]  He said that he especially appreciates the beauty of the Old Testament and said, “I do think these ancient texts are very useful – whether you are religious or not – as a way of understanding how people have tried to tell themselves the story of themselves. . .” [2]  For Rushdie, most of these texts try to answer two questions:   “The question of origins:  how did we get here and how did ‘here’ get here?  And the question of ethics:  Now that we’re here, how shall we live?” 

As a Christian, I can appreciate Rushdie’s thoughtful summary and I agree – for the most part – with what he is saying – especially, the questions of origins and ethics.  The only thing missing I see, as a person of faith, is. . . well. . . faith.  I believe that there is something more to them than simply being fables or stories that teach us lessons or help us understand ourselves.  They also help us catch glimpses of who God is.  

So, how do we approach this big, ancient book?  It would be helpful if we – like Rushdie and many atheists – would actually read the book, and not just in a cursory way.  For us to understand what is going on, here, it helps if we – as Moses instructs the people in the Book of Deuteronomy – 

Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.  (Deuteronomy 6:6-8)

In other words, for us to understand scripture, it needs to be internalized by being completely surrounded by it – dwelling on it, thinking about it, talking about it, having it bathe our hearts and minds, seeing it in all of our goings and comings.

One way that the church has tried to tackle the fullness of scripture is to have what’s called a “lectionary” – a selection of scripture passages that are read on certain days so that, a lot of the Bible can be covered over a set number of months and/or years.  Fifty years ago, a group called the Consultation on Church Union – made up of a group of scholars from various Protestant denominations – adapted a set of scripture readings from the Roman Catholic Church to come up with what we call “The Revised Common Lectionary” or “RCL.”  The RCL is a set of scripture readings that cover most of the Bible in a three year cycle.[3]  The idea is, if you are present in church and/or read along with many Protestants and Catholics from week to week, you will be able to read most of the Bible over three years of Sundays.  Of course, “most” is not “all.”  There are some parts of the Bible missing from the Revised Common Lectionary, but almost all of the books are represented at least once and there are four suggested readings each Sunday – an Old Testament reading, a Gospel Reading, a Psalm, and a Letter from the New Testament.   

For most of my years as a preacher, I have used the Revised Common Lectionary.  But, if you preach through the Lectionary cycle multiple times – once every three years – after a while, you will end up covering most of these texts.  Besides, sometimes the texts in the RCL can bounce from topic to topic and, unless you make a concerted effort as a preacher, it can be difficult to connect certain topics and texts from week to week.

This past year – just as an experiment – we tried a different kind of lectionary.  The Narrative Lectionary is designed to be preached from September through May or June – starting in Genesis and ending with the arrival of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost Sunday in the Book of Acts.  The main idea of the Narrative Lectionary is that there is this over-arching narrative story in the Bible that goes from Creation straight through to the New Creation we have in Jesus – from Genesis all the way to Revelation.  

So, way back on September 10, 2023 – which seems like ancient history now – we began at the beginning, with the story of creation from Genesis 2.  This story includes the beautiful and poetic image of God breathing life into the dust and making human beings.  Way back in September, I said that this ancient image of the God who lovingly forms us and breathes life into us is so very powerful to me. . . a powerful beginning that points to the power of God in our lives and the life of every living thing.  If God was – and is – so much a part of who we are from our beginning, then perhaps this might be something that guides our hearts, orienting our spirits to always point toward God as our primary source. . . our true beginning.  So, if we start at the beginning – at our beginning – we are – from the inside out – God-made. . . God-breathed.  

In the beginning, when there was no life, God creates life by breathing life into the dust.  And, in today’s reading, almost at the end of the Bible, we find the image of dust resurrected (if you’ll pardon the pun).  As the Apostle Paul writes, 

The first man [Adam] was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man [Jesus] is from heaven. . .  Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we will also bear the image of the man of heaven.  (1 Corinthians 15:47, 49)

Here, Paul is pointing to this ancient mythic story of, as Salman Rushdie says, “How did we get here and how did ‘here’ get here?”  And then, Paul points to what has changed in the meantime – in the ages since human beings began to live and move and have their being all the way to the present moment in which the resurrected Jesus lives and moves and is the new being.  A lot has happened over time, from the dusty old being to the new being, but somehow – threaded through all of history – the same Spirit that breathed life into creation at the very beginning is still breathing life into each of us.  Throughout all of history, the presence and power of the Spirit has been seen in the calling and equipping of ancient peoples and in the calling and equipping of each of us, and of the church, in the present moment.  

Now, I know that the subtitle of today’s sermon is “A Year in Review,” and I know that since y’all have all been here every week, and paid attention, and hung on every single golden word of wisdom from my lips [I’m joking, of course!] that a review really isn’t necessary.  But I want to hit just a few highlights.  

We began in Genesis with the story of creation and moved quickly through the birth of Isaac and then Jacob and the Call of Moses.  There was the beautiful story of Ruth and Naomi and the sad story of the splitting of the tribes of Israel between North and South (remember Jeroboam and Rehoboam?).  There was the bravery of Elijah and the faithfulness of Hosea (even though it was really hard) and the Holy “Yes” of Josiah.  In Advent, there were the prophets who foretold the birth of a Messiah – Zechariah and Isaiah – and another Zechariah in the Gospel of Luke who sang a lullaby to his son, John the Baptizer.  Then it was Christmas and we heard the story of the incarnation.  In January, we moved into the New Testament with stories of Jesus healing a paralyzed man, and teaching in parables, and calling disciples.  We spent some quality time with one of those disciples – a man named Peter – through the season of Lent and through most of the season of Easter.  Most recently, we have been focusing on the ministry of Paul. 

As I say all of this, I am struck by the journey we have been on.  We have heard the story of God’s people – beginning with a small beloved chosen few and expanding to embrace the whole world.  The ministry and mission of the Holy Spirit has been seen throughout it all – connecting people to one another, planting faith deep in the hearts of people, leading people and helping people and conquering death.  As Paul writes, “It was not I [that worked hard for God], but the grace of God that is with me.” (15:10)  This grace is a product – a gift – of the Holy Spirit.  

Somehow, this humble, yet Holy dust from which we are all made has been knit together and held together by grace to form the Body of Christ – a body that lives on and on through the resurrecting presence and power of God’s Spirit.  

It’s been quite a year!  But really, it’s been a millennia or twenty for us, humans, and billions of years for this miraculous planet – unique and beloved in its place in the universe.  If there is any narrative arc to the Bible, it has something to do with this:  through the ages, from beginning to end, God has proved, again and again, that God loves us and is not through with us.  All will be well, because God has not given up on creation and God is about the work of making all things new and right, spiritual and imperishable.  

God loves us and isn’t through with us yet.  God is leading us to a day when the new creation will overtake the old and all of the rules and laws for how the old creation operates will be turned upside down.  Even death will be turned on its head – thrown down and defeated through the victory of Jesus Christ.  

So, when it comes to how shall we live with the knowledge of this – with the story of God’s new creation alive in our minds and hearts through the faith that the Holy Spirit grants us – I want to encourage you to have hope. . . to live in hope that the dust from which we have been made, the dust into which God breathes life, has been redeemed and is being made new.  God is about the work of making all things new and all will be well.  In the end, all will be well.  All will be well.  All will be well.

Thanks be to God!

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.  

---------

[1] https://www.npr.org/2024/04/16/1244847366/salman-rushdie-knife. 17:30.

[2] https://www.npr.org/2024/04/16/1244847366/salman-rushdie-knife. 16:00.

[3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revised_Common_Lectionary.

[sophieinwonderland]

You have this really weird sense of morality where "posting other people's asks about someone = morally reprehensible," but "calling someone a bitch = totally fine and acceptable discourse." If you'd like to post those asks about me, you can go ahead. I really don't care.

Credit where credit is due, you were right and some of your sources did show that "system" has been used to refer to groups of alters before the IFS model came out.

Having some accurate sources though doesn't make it any less laughable to cite a paper declaring every alter a memory system as an example of this

Also laughable is the conspiracy theory that I sent this ask to myself. First, I don't send myself asks. Second, if I did, I sure wouldn't send myself an ask that starts off questioning if I'm spreading bad science.

In truth, I find you rather peculiar as syscoursers go.

Most other syscoursers won't even bother to back up their opinions with with sources. You post tons of sources but they only occasionally help your case. Take this one, for instance. Fantastic quotes showing insight to the use of system in plural contexts... if your position is that "system" is a broad term historically used to apply to everyone's internal personality system, whether singlet or plural.

It's such a good source for showing that the psychological definition of system was broad and applied to everyone that I'm considering citing it myself.

You have such a way of refusing to change your mind or see facts, and it would be almost impressive if you weren't actually doing harm. The way you twist things for your (dwindling) followers is just gross (and don't lie, I know you're losing them, because I get the asks telling me exactly why people unfollow you).

Okay... this follower count thing is getting pretty ridiculous. I don't talk a lot about my follower count anymore. I worry sometimes that it comes off as too conceited. But this is at least the third time you've claimed I'm losing followers, so I might as well set the record straight since this issue is apparently so important to you.

Am I losing followers? Technically, yes. There are times that I click the notifications and see my follower count go down a point or even two compared to where it was hours ago. And it wouldn't surprise me to learn some of those ex-followers went to explain to you why they unfollowed me.

But that's completely okay. Can you guess why?

It's because I'm gaining followers more quickly than I'm dropping them. Here are my daily new followers:

As you can see below, 30 days ago, I had 1398 followers. And trend of my total follower count gradually increases through the month.

Yesterday, I had 1487 followers at one point before dropping to 1486, so I know that I lost one. Although I can't say for certain if that's due to being unfollowed or to an account being terminated. But I'm not stressing over losing a follower here or there when I gain an average of three per day.

Your mistake is listening to a few vocal outliers and assuming they were representative of my overall follower count. (Kind of like how most of the anti-tulpa rhetoric depends on assuming a few Buddhist syscoursers, who aren't even Tibetan, are representative of the Tibetan Buddhist population. But I digress.)

Do you think we can put this weird obsession you have with my follower count to bed yet? 🙄

sometimes i start to worry if you're actually spreading bad science and then i see users like SAS just saying things that make no sense.

just because someone says the word System in vague relation to DID/MPD, doesn't mean it's a disorder exclusive term =.=

anyway fuck sysmeds

.

[sunlightandsuffering]

I am already obsessed with your new a/b/o EreMika... Reverse 'Bite Me' where the strong Mikasa Ackerman is an omega when everyone expects her to be an alpha, herself included? That sounds like a nightmare for her! 😂😂😂 I'm loving it already! Imagining her horror of actually needing someone. She'll hide it for sure to protect herself.

I do specialize in miscommunication and deception as a plot point as most fanfic writers do 🤣😉

Mikasa genuinely doesn’t know what to do with herself the day she turns twenty, a late bloomer.

Should she hide it? Is it even worth attempting to hide her new status from an entire pack of werewolves? Is it worth using scent blockers? Will someone question her?

She is supposed to be an alpha, she’s an Ackerman, it’s almost synonymous with the alpha class. In her own family history she has never known a single one of her family members to be classed as anything but an alpha. It’s insane. They mate alphas, they breed alphas, they bare children that are… alphas.

It doesn’t make any sense.

She’s been counting on this, counting on it forever, counting on it to finally make Eren hers.

He’d presented a few months ago, an alpha as expected from the hotheaded boy, and ever since the girls have been trailing after him like lost puppy dogs, trying to entice him into being his first rut partner. Her time was already ticking, his rut would come soon, probably sometime in the summer if she had to guess, it’s never long after first presentation.

She’d hoped by then she could have claimed him, an alpha herself and an Ackerman, no one refused an Ackerman alpha, didn’t matter whether you were a boy or a girl, it was like being asked to join royalty. Levi, her uncle was currently the pack head after Erwin had stepped down. Their genetics, overall superiority in every aspect made them prime mates, as aside from all the genetic advantages, the Ackermans were known for being a good family, with little drama. of course, being mated in was a privelege.

She’d planned it all out, there was no way Eren would refuse.

Except now, now he might refuse. Ackerman genetics or not, now she was a lowly omega, her status meant nothing in pack politics, she wouldn’t be good for anything other than sitting pretty and popping out kids like most omegas did. They weren’t allowed to fight or engage in pack politics, they didn’t necessarily have to become mothers as most of them did. But omegas were extremely valuable, a class to be protected. It was highly frowned upon for them to stray too far from pack territory at least without someone to chaperone them.

It was dangerous, lone wolves could claim them, take advantage, and it wouldn’t matter how hard she fought, she would be subdued by an alpha.

Numbly, Mikasa drops back to her bed, eyes shut tight as she holds back the tears.

It’s all over now, Eren would never love her, not like this, not as a lowly omega. She was useless to him, she wasn’t strong or powerful like she always had been, none of her physical prowess would matter when her head was bowed to the nearest alpha, to whoever claimed her first.

She bites her lip brutally as she considers it, the other looming problem with being an omega: the claiming.

How many men would fight over who got to claim the newest omega during her first heat, she was safe from no one. Although to some degree Mikasa had a choice in the matter, there was such a thing as forced matings, all it would take was one bite, someone to sink their jaws into her neck and it would be over.

Historia, the most recent omega to present had barely gotten out without a forced mark. Her first heat driving the male werewolves of their pack mad with the desire to have her, her sweet omega scent calling to them in a way nothing else had. Even her own friends had succumbed, Jean pleading with Mikasa to help keep him away from her, he didn’t want to be a part of the constant fights that came with the new scent of an omega. How many male werewolves had been patched up at the infirmary after dueling each other for Historia’s perceived hand? Her blonde friend had gotten away only by finally having Ymir mark her pre-emptively, they hadn’t been ready to mate yet, but it had been the only way to stop the chaos.

And yet through it all, Eren had remained mostly immune, her final nail in the coffin. Eren Yeager, the only boy she’d ever wanted, the one she’d planned to confess to as soon as she’d presented as an alpha. And now that she was an omega, he was the singular exception to the werewolf nature of desiring an omega during their heat.

She lets out a broken little sob, because there’s no way now, no way she’s going to get him, he doesn’t love her and she knows it, he’s never shown any interest.

She has probably three months until her first heat and she doesn’t know what the hell she’s going to do.

...

Mikasa, expectedly presents as an alpha.

He knows it, everyone knows it, she’s only wearing scent blockers as a courtesy.

And yet they do nothing, because to know any better he’d swear she was an omega with how she smells, she calls to him like a siren to a sailor at sea. Every time she sits next to him during a pack meeting he fights the urge not to touch her, to inhale her scent, vanilla and lavender, so much stronger than it was before and calling to him more than ever.

The first time he sees her after she presents, he drops to his knees as she meets him outside her house, hair tucked up under a ballcap, exposing the arch of her delicate neck and the wind blowing her scent right to him.

She promptly freaks out, asking what’s wrong, her dainty black little cardigan doing little to hide her from him, and oh how he wants to mark her up, his gums ache with it, throbbing with the desire to sharpen into points and bite down.

He’d practically begged her to move away, to change her scent blockers or something because her scent had invaded his senses and he’d barely been able to stand within a foot of her.

He’d never smelled it so strong; she must have taken the wrong medication or something because alphas don’t smell like that. She’d looked like a ghost when he’d told her she smelled like an omega, and quickly run into the house before coming back out, smelling a little better, apologizing profusely, saying she must have taken Hanji’s heat inducing drugs instead, but now her scent blockers were stronger it should be fine.

And it was, now she didn’t smell unless he was too close, and Eren refused to admit just how often he let himself get too close.

She smelled divine, and if Mikasa would have him, he’d be her mate in a heartbeat, and God if she were an omega… his brain swims with the possibilities, mush with the idea of a soft needy Mikasa crying out for him, such a stark contrast to the normally imposing presence, a silent strength within her. You didn’t fuck with Mikasa, she’d rip you into little pieces and do so without batting an eyelash, unphased.

She was an alpha alright, he had no doubt.

[l-artemisia-del-secolo]

Few nights a month

Yelena was allowed to be with you just for a few nights a month. Now, when she's free from the control of the Red Room, you have to make a choice.

Yelena Belova X reader, one shot, angst, hopeful ending

You hated yourself. Again. For reading the text. For answering it. Even though this time the text itself was different. Inviting. You've been waiting for this message for two months.

You could have though it wasn't Yelena. But it was her. Of course. No respect for your life, no respect for the boundries.

You were ready to run wherever and whenever she called you.

You were belonging to her. For six months already. Her toy, her distraction, her girl.

There was no relationship. Just Yelena wanting you, devouring you, making you feel the whole pallet of emotions.

You could say she was obsessed with you. Not seeing you for weeks but thinking, imagining, dreaming of you. And than a few nights a month making her dreams come true.

She wasn't manipulative, she didn't lie. She never promised you a thing.

She was working undercover when you met. No accent, dark hair, heels. She was supposed to get information from your boss. Needless to say she was successful.

Carelessly asking you out on her last day of a mission. You thought it was a date. It clearly wasn't. Yelena was drinking. A lot. Her Russian accent appeared out of nowhere. You were intrigued. Her stories were so different from what you imagined they would be.

You listened and listened. Knowing that your heart would never belong to anyone else. This woman was dragging you into her world.

Light touches, longing glances. If she could, she would make you scream her name right there and than. She was so touch starved. When was the last time she was with anyone? She didn't even remember. And there you were so happy, so pure, so perfect.

It wasn't like you, bringing a stranger home. Let her be the host in your own apartment.

She tore your clothes. Desperate and thirsty. You didn't care whether she told you the truth about herself. Didn't even care whether her name was real. But it was. You were fortunate enough to know, what name to cry over and over again. It was your reward for being her girl.

You didn't have the morning after. Yelena didn't need it. You did. Feeling your body ask for more was the worst thing. Why were you reacting like this? You were a grown up woman, what was wrong with you.

Her smile stayed with you, her scent, her gracious movements, her bites on your hips.

Did she ever think about this night? Did she even remember? Or she had girls like this everywhere. Obsessing over them and not you.

In a couple of weeks you got the first text from an unknown number. "Tonight. At your place. Drinks on me."

So very thoughtful. When Yelena was having a particularly bad time, she was inviting you to a hotel. Places could change but not her attitude. Always all over you when she needed that. Giving you biggest pleasures but leaving you in greatest distress.

Why couldn't you have her for more than a few hours. Why couldn't you trust her. Why couldn't you share your own life with her.

Still Yelena has chosen you. You believed there was a reason. She could have chosen anyone but it was you. Always you.

Once you got a familiar text during your date. You had to have those. Otherwise you would just destroy yourself waiting for Yelena. A few dates, a few nights. Yelena didn't care if when she needed you would be with her. You needed those days not to think about her. You were already having dreams about her, waking up distraught.

You wanted to feel her near you. To hide in her strong embrace. To feel her weight on top of you with that possessive roar of hers.

Sometimes you felt all of this wasn't real, a human being can't behave like that. Maybe Yelena just couldn't feel attachments. Removed them.

But this time the text was different. "I hope you're doing OK. Can we meet tonight? I'd like to talk."

Since when Yelena wanted a dialogue and not a monologue. You were embarrassed to admit it but you felt familiar tingles in your body.

This time it wasn't a hotel. Another apartment. She wanted to play games? You were ready, you had nothing left but to obey her.

Usually when you were entering the room Yelena was already relaxed with the glass of whatever she was drinking. In her black jeans and a t-shirt. Offering you to sit near her or on her lap.

This time it was different. She was tense. Her fists clenched. Loose hair and a colorful clothes.

"Hey" even her voice was different. It lacked that cold and metal you were used to.

"Yelena, I..." You didn't know what to do. Usually you would already be kissing her jaw and asking about her day. But now you were seeing a different person in front of you.

"let me start, ok?" She tried so hard to sound soft. "Are you... How are doing?"

"As usual. Fine". You mastered a smile. "And you?"

"I..." She let out a nervous sigh. "I have to tell you so much".

She made a few steps towards you. You instinctevly backed away.

"Tell than. Where have you been for two months?"

"That's the thing. Now I can tell you everything."

She sounded almost hopeful. It was supposed to be her new beginning. With you, far from the past. Far from the blood.

"Why do you think I care?". There was a reason why she didn't use her charm, why she wasn't herself. Why?

"Right... You... After how I behaved you shouldn't care. But I implore you to listen."

You had a choice. You could just walk away. Leave her alone. With her demons.

"Fine."

She was given a chance. She's not going to lose it.

"Thank you. I..." She wanted to touch you, grab you. But she controlled herself. Not someone, she did.

"You know I've been working undercover for some time. You know it's shady people and shady business. You know I was trained to kill. To do the impossible."

You silently nodded.

"Yeah. No need to recap that. But a few months ago I've learned a very important thing. We were controlled."

"What?" You couldn't believe what she said. You were not living in a comic book, right?

"Chemicals, brain implants." She let out an awkward chuckle. "I fucking knew it. There was a reason for me to behave like that."

"like what?" You were calm and quiet now.

But Yelena was loosing it. She started pacing the room trying not to get too close to you.

"You know what I mean. I would never... Now I know that. Now I feel it."

"you would never what?"

Yelena stopped abruptly. This time so close to you. This time allowing herself to inhale you.

"I would never leave you. I was controlled. My body, my mind. I was allowed to have a distraction. We all were. With giving us a time for ourselves, next time control could be even stronger. Mind even more submissive. Every month new distraction."

" I was your distraction?"

"Yes, no" she was desperate. "I mean, you were supposed to be. But it was always something more than that. Now I know that you matter. You're important to me."

"I am to believe that with a wave of magic wand you turned into yourself?"

You wanted to hear yes. You wanted to have a chance to love her. To take what you needed and deserved.

"I know, it sounds ridiculous. But it's the truth."

You could feel her on yourself. So close. But this time it wasn't you who was burning. It was her. Open and fragile. Asking for a support.

"You used me."

"I know, you can't forgive it or forget. But all this time I was coming back to you, every time. I was obssesed. And now I know why. That what the only thing I was allowed to feel. I'm so sorry." You saw tears in her eyes. " if I could turn back the time I wouldn't bother you. Wouldn't give you this burden. If you want me to I'll disappear. But now... " She took your hand. "I ask for a chance to show who I really am. To fix everything, to make amends."

You knew it was the truth. It all made sense. A harsh reality. The first woman you fell in love with was mindcontrolled. And now free she was asking you for a chance. For a possibility, for a hope. She was raw and quick in her judgements, in her sentences, in her requests. Now or never. Free with her.

You knew it would take you so much time to make everything work. You to trust her, Yelena to open up. But you were ready for it, you gave her that chance.

[stylistiquements]

Day 9 : Scronch'love.

𐐪𐑂 Pairing : Sapnap x fem!reader {Playlist}

𐐪𐑂 Summary : a lovely afternoon and an ancestral question; when are you going to join the dream smp?

𐐪𐑂 Word count : 1.5k

𐐪𐑂 Warning : swearing

Masterlist | Previous | Next

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

“Have you been here for a long time?”

“Have you been here for a long time?”

“Have you been here for a long time?”

Time bends and twists into unknowns shapes when well spent. So, you’re so not sure. Long enough for your fairy garden to start looking like at least a proper garden, long enough for your feet to start fidgeting, brushing against the soft fabric of the blanket ever so slightly and softly.

“Can you share your screen?”

“I’m just picking flowers, there’s nothing much to see,” you warn but it never does the proper job.

“That’s fine, I like watching you play.”

“Oh, do you now?”

“Yeah. You’ve been playing for years and you’re still dog water. It's almost soothing,” you hear him grin through the silkiness of his voice.

You smile evasively, palm gripping the mouse and executing on memory. Soon, Sapnap’s satisfied noises hovers and everything is just how it’s supposed to be. You spend a while humming the music of days and nights of the game while building your project. Sap helps from time to time, giving advice when his attention is there and leaving trails of compliments on his way. You don’t think the garden is necessarily that good, you don’t mind either.

“Do you think the tree should go on the left or the right of the pond?” You ask, fingers drumming back and forth between the two options. Right he says. "What about the roses, do I plant some or not?"

“It’s just a detail, don’t hurt your brain too much on that,” he says in a light tone, but you disagree.

“Details are what make things important. Like when you remember I prefer warm pillows so you give me yours, it’s just a detail but it makes me happy.”

“Of course I do; you’re a baby,” he murmurs teasingly.

With an arched eyebrow, you retort, “says you,” and silence follows for a second as you plant the tree on the right of the pond.

“Yeah, Dream already made sure I was aware of that.”

“Not sure why the piss baby thinks he’s qualified to have this conversation, buddy,” you note and Sap chuckles are as vivid as contagious. “Why would he call you a baby anyway? What have you done?”

“I-I’m not telling you.” As soon as the mumbles fades, your phone sends loud vibrations on your desk. You abandon your character to the night and the wildness, picking the phone as you murmur a low oh, okay. Whether it’s to your phone or Sapnap, that, isn’t really clear. Still, Sapnap’s words sound more distant, more of what wonders are made of. On the screen, a twitter notification of a certain Karl Jacobs.

“You’re not even listening to me anymore,” Sapnap whines.

“I don’t listen to whiny babies, sorry.”

“We’re on the verge of divorce, yn and it’s your fault.”

A scoff skitters out through teasing lips, “But you still talk about me all the time, don’t you?” Your voice drags through different lands, unknown and musky.

“So what?” He splutters all awkward like it’s some kind of confidence that shouldn’t have left his thoughts and, somehow, you’re surprised the almighty confidence has left the game. “Who said that?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re obsessed with me, admit it,” you demand and though you don’t notice it, too tangled with the moment, the atmosphere is tinted with a different nuance like it’s suddenly dawn at the end of a summer party.

“So are you.”

Now, your heart drums a strange yet familiar rhythm. Something made of secrets and uncertainty, something you decided to leave unnamed a long time ago. Sapnap, you reason, can’t be lied to. He knows better than words half meant, half made up and it’s annoying, really, but he just does somehow. If you dare to lie, he would know and then it would be even more annoying.

“Yeah, you’re living in my head rent free but at least I’m not trying to hide it.” No answer. You peek at the game, you’ve been slain by a spider. “Karl said that,” you resign yourself. “He said he was about to join the vc by the way.”

Before the conversation can carry on, the sound of Karl joining the call resonates. Being in this Discord server is like living in a house with 10 siblings, that’s what you understand from the way Sap exhales heavily.

“Oh, I am interrupting something?” Karl says, struck by a peculiar energy.

“Besties time Karl, besties time,” Sapnap mumbles beneath his breath and it chimes a little like disappointment.

“Well, too bad I guess,” Karl exclaims. “It's about time I meet miss Bunnyshow.”

Karl is like that gif of a cat sitting in a tiny box with the caption “if it fits, I sit”.

“Does that mean our passive aggressive subweet arc is over?” You ask, faking the dejection when your smile grows wide.

“Oh god, I hope not. That’s my favorite part of the day.”

"It means a lot to me. Especially coming from my comfort streamer Karl Jacobs," you confess.

Satisfied, your attention gets back on the game; flowers rooting gracefully into the dirt and hives ready to host the beloved honey bugs as Karl and Sap catch up on time being apart. Everything is quiet and peaceful like the end of an afternoon well spent.

“I like your garden,” Karl points out and you hum a thank you beneath your breath.

“So you can take Karl’s compliments but not mine.”

“We’re besties you’re honor. Sapnap you can leave now, thank you,” Karl giggles and you follow along.

“Sorry Karl, there’s only room for one man in my heart and that has to be Sapnap.”

He fakes a cry to keep the theatrics before adding without transitions, “You know if you asked Dream he’d probably let you on the SMP.”

“No thanks,” you grin.

“Sapnap, your girl doesn’t want to play with us.”

“She’s already been whitelisted for months now,” Sapnap informs but fails to comment on the first part of the complaint.

He’s not lying, but you feel like it says more about Dream’s stubbornness than it says about you. As for your best friend, he understands better than anyone that wish for privacy and it’s something made of respect like yours for his career. You’d rather see him shaped by all the light than being touched by a glimpse of it. He does, after all, deserves it all. So, that’s the contract you made with yourself because it made sense; being a supportive shadow. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you’ve never considered streaming before. It’s that it’s his world more than yours.

Karl, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think the same way, “This is unacceptable, I gotta send a few texts.”

“Lost cause, dude, lost cause,” you grin but stubbornness seems to be a pre required trait for those mcyts.

Before you have time to find a suitable comment about the newborn group chat, a new person joins the call and Sapnap's annoyance is even more palpable, "No fucking way dude. We can't even have a second of peace on this server."

"Why would you be in a discord call if you want peace. You're just dumb," Quackity retorts with an energy he and he only can ever own.

Then George joins and Dream follows on his heels and soon your ears are filled with conversations that are as loud as scattered. Your shoulders sink in the back of your chair as soft fingers try to brush the upcoming migraine away. This is why you can't join the SMP; -not really but still- too much energy that has to be processed at all time. And you should know better, being friend with a very chaotic boy for the last 15 years, but you're not somehow.

"No, fuck that," Sapnap mutters. "I'm out."

"You can't leave now we have things to discuss," George exclaims. "Bunny, explain to me how Sapnap's proposition is more appealing than mine."

"Because I know her more than you do," he defends, and he's right. Money isn't of you interest. Love, on the other hand...

"Because she's like scronch'love," Karl giggles mindlessly.

"The fuck does scronch'love mean?" You ask, amused.

"It's very simple," Quackity intervenes. "If I offered you the same thing, would you even consider it?"

"Of course I would. What kind of question is that?"

"Fine. So, if Sapnap keeps his offer, here is mine; you become the president of Las Nevadas in addition to what he said."

"What?" Sapnap takes offense.

The call brims with an agitated confusion as you smile deviously, heels rooted into the floor to make your chair spin lightly and your fingers drum on your desk.

"I don't think you wanna do that," George corrects.

"Yeah, you absolutely don't," you confirm.

"Fine," he retorts. "So Sapnap's offer plus a Las Nevadas citizenship. How does that sound?"

"Like an offer I'll confider," you sigh. "So who's scronch'love now?"

"Still you," Dream answers. "Except you're also a big dummy."

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

A/N : helloooo,, how are you??? this part very self indulgent and I think this fic will be in general but I hope you liked it anyway. I love the idea of c!quackity always being too much and always having something to add to be even more over the top. I'm having more trouble than I thought about Bunny's and Sap's friendship because I want them to have a very special friendship but I hope it appears as such. idk. lmk what you think and thank you for reading it it makes me very happy <3 Until next time (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

Taglist : @open-minded-chip-101 ; @itsoakaa ; @gaysludge ; @tinyegg ; @qnfdnf​ ; @paintingpetalsforyou ; @notjennaleigh ; @victoria-a567 ; @washy-washy ; @moneybagmarvel ;

[interlunium-opus]

No Place I’d Rather Be. [ Jay ]

[ Jay | fluff ]

Abstract: when you went to the library on the night when the Triennial Winter Ball was held, you expected to be all alone. But Jay, your best friend and the  campus heartthrob is somehow already there waiting for you.

You stared out of the corridors of windows as you ascended up the staircase of the desolated library, your eyes fixated on the bustling crowd outside. It was the night the Triennial Winter Ball was held: basically the night everyone looked forward to the moment they started university. Unlike how dark, drab and quiet winter nights in campus usually are — tonight, the campus was alight with festive lights lining up the path leading up to the grand hall and students filtering in, decked in their “Sunday best”, filling the otherwise quiet night with cacophony of laughters, chatters, and whispers.

Standing in contrast with the crowd outside was you, all alone in the dimly-lit library, decked in monochrome with books in hand instead clinking glasses and waltzing with others in an elegant dress. You sighed as you thought to yourself, who am I kidding, my introverted soul wouldn’t last a minute in there.

“You’re late today.”

You jumped, startled, dropping some of the books you were carrying. Given the context of tonight, no one should have been in the library right now. Especially not the campus heartthrob and the social butterfly, Jay Park.

“Jay?” You called out, squinting your eyes to get a clearer view of the tall figure at the end of the aisle. The dim-lighting were of no help at all but the blonde locks and the deep voice were a massive giveaway, “wait..what are you doing here?!”

“You look petrified to see your own best friend, it’s almost heartbreaking,” Jay muttered sarcastically as he made his way towards you before reaching down to pick up the books you had dropped.

“Well, duh, no one should be here tonight especially not you,” you retorted as you walked towards your usual seat at the corner, the one with the large windows and dimmest lighting, “people are going to think that you got kidnapped or something and oh God, the amount of hearts you’re breaking tonight with your no-show.”

“Well, what’s your excuse?” Jay raised an eyebrow at you.

“Jay, we have been best friends for almost 2 years now, you know why I am not there — I would just combust,” you said as a matter-of-factly as you took a seat.

“But it’s our final year, you’ve got to make it count — socially I mean. And come on, it’s the Triennial Winter Ball not some frat party,” he grumbled as he sat on the armrest of the chair next to you with his body facing you and arms folded. Being a massive extrovert with a lifestyle that tends toward opulence — tonight’s extravagance was right up his alley and all month long he had been endlessly badgering you to attend it. Being the massive introvert you are though, the ball is basically the last thing you would want to attend.

That said, as incredulous as the friendship between the two of you are to many people, you two are polar opposites that complement one another in a way that two differently-shaped puzzle pieces can only fit one another. Being a social butterfly, your individualism, rationality and brilliant intellect really stood in stark contrast with the homogenous crowd and superficial conversations that he constantly surround himself with. With an equally subtle sarcastic dark humor to match, a tenacity like no others and a brilliant intellect that constantly challenge and stimulates his mind — you’re like an oasis in the desert.

Likewise, Jay, too, was like a breath of fresh air to you. You have had some initial reservations about him though. After all, he was more known for his lavish lifestyle and the parties he throw. But beyond those such fronts, Jay was highly knowledgable with strong passion for what he believes in — qualities of which really matched yours. Not to mention, being pragmatic and rational himself, he was one of the rare few people in your life that you don’t need to put up a social filter for as he is always able to objectively understand your views and opinions.

That is how you two end up going from being touted as the “cursed” pairing that was doomed to fail when you two were first paired for a project in “Modern Political Thought” module, to the Dream Team that ended up trouncing everyone else’s project, attaining the highest score out of everyone in class. In fact, you two just keep on surprising everyone by becoming almost inseparable even after the module ended.

“Who’s to say a couple of drinks isn’t going to turn a ball into a frat party?” You shot him an incredulous look before turning your attention to the books you were flipping, “… exam is around the corner anyway.”

“1.5 months away,” he emphasized as he lowered his head down to your level, peeking over your shoulders to take a closer look at your notes, “Seriously? you’re skipping tonight’s extravagance and festivities for Multivariate Functions and Lagrangian? I’d have let it slide if you were working on a prose instead.”

“Well what’s your excuse for being here then? I’m pretty sur-“ you stopped mid-sentence, caught off guard by how close his face actually was to yours when you looked up to face him. Jay’s face as usual was unperturbed, his blonde locks softly framed his chiseled face and his lips was pouty in concentration as his eyes travelled from one end of your notebook to the other before he turned his face slightly and met your gaze. You swore for a moment you felt your heart skip a beat but the moment one corner of his lips lifted into his signature lopsided grin, that thought immediately disappeared as you knew he was going to say something sarcastic or dramatic.

“How can I be so selfish and party away when my best friend is all sad and depressed alone in this library?”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, “Jay, as if-”

“Also,” he suddenly interjected, “the girl that I asked out for tonight rejected me so….”

“Wait, what?!” You gasped, “The Jay Park got rejected?”

“I know right. She rejected an offer that millions would have killed for,” he shrugged as he straightened back up.

“Exactly! who in their right mind would- anyway, at the risk of sounding insensitive, couldn’t you have substituted her with other girls? Like you said, millions would have killed to be your date — you can just pick and choose.”

“Wow, ____, you really have ice in your veins don’t you?” he smirked.

“Whatever, just being rational.”

“I know. I definitely could. I mean the head cheerleader asked me out too so I could have just accepted it,” he murmured, “but...” he paused, “as cringeworthy as this sounds, 80% of the reason why I really looked forward to the ball was because I was looking forward to spending it with the girl who rejected me. So without her in the picture, the whole vision just suddenly lost its spark. Like… I’d rather just spend time with her then whether it is at a ball or library or wherever.”

“Oh…” you managed, unsure how to react, “that’s kind of… deep I guess. Well yeah, I mean if you still don’t feel bitter over her rejecting you then sure, you do you, go after her. Unless of course she’s at the ball with someone else then maybe not…”

Instead of responding promptly as he usually does, Jay just heaved a huge sigh as if he was disappointed or something. His eyes glued onto yours as if trying to pry some information out of your mind, “You know you’re awfully dense. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re too studious that it’s beginning to cost you your social skills or something?”

Jay has always been blunt but tonight, it was just on a different level. It was almost like he was here to intentionally grate you as if someone was actually keeping score. You retorted, “Excuse me. Did you just come all the way here to push my buttons? Because yo-“

You stopped mid-sentence again when he suddenly leaned closer towards you, his hands on either side of you, one on the edge of your table and the other, gripping your headrest, “I am already with her right now.”

You furrowed your brows in confusion, your mind working on overdrive.

“Fine,” he uttered, ”let me spell it out for you — you’re the girl. You’re the one who rejected me. Twice.”

You opened your mouth to tell him to stop joking but his unperturbed facial expressions told you otherwise. Still in disbelief, you stammered, “No way — Me? When?! I mean we talked about the ball a couple of times but you’ve never… unless - wait… you were serious?”

You remembered it was a Saturday night, about 2 weeks ago at almost 4 AM when you and Jay was at the library burning the midnight oil. You were busy trying to finish up your Econometrics assignment while Jay, who had long given up with his Philosophy assignment, was engrossed in a movie marathon next to you.

“Ugh,” you groaned when your regression results turned ‘insignificant’. You turned your attention to the papers and books strewn across your desk, frantically flipping through the pages to see where the error could have been and how else can you rectify this.

“You need to sleep on it,” Jay murmured, casting worried glances at you, “You’ve been on it for hours.”

“I can’t,” you shook your head, your eyes scanning over your messy handwriting, “I’ll end up obsessing about it again at home so I definitely need to get to the bottom of this today, that’s the only way I can sleep.”

Jay sighed, pausing his movie and turning his attention fully towards you, “Fine. But you really need to reward yourself for working so hard this semester because otherwise, you’ll just burn out. Also, by reward, I did not mean hibernating.”

“Hmm,” you nodded absentmindedly when suddenly Jay snatched the pen you were using, “Hey ___ eyes on the person talking please. What did I just say?”

You rolled you eyes, relenting, “Something about rewarding myself and not hibernating — there, happy? Can I get my pen back?”

“Good,” Jay beamed, quickly pulling his hand away when you were about to snatch your pen back from his grasp, “The Triennial Winter Ball would be a good idea of a reward by the way.”

You scoffed, “Jay, that is probably your idea of a reward but it definitely won’t be mine. First, I’ve got to look all made up from top to bottom — that takes up too much resources for something an introvert like me possibly won’t even enjoy — that’s the equivalent of some floppy investment prospects right there.

“Secondly, I avoid crowds like the plague whenever I could help it and the ball has all the variables that could make me combust on spot: there are a lot people; a lot of emotions; a lot of expectations and — well, you get the picture.

“And finally, I would need to find someone to go with — again, too much trouble.“

“You have me, where’s the trouble in that?” he asserted, snatching your pencil case away this time when you were about to reach for it, “Just go with me then.”

“Yeah no that’s ridiculous,” you shook your head, stretching your hand out to him, beckoning him to give your stationaries back, “Stop playing, give me my stationaries back.”

Ignoring your demand, he pressed on, “Why is that so ridiculous?”

You sighed, “Because A) everyone wants a piece of you so B) I’d be burnt at stake if we do go together. And also C) You should spend that special night with a special someone, not your best friend — come on, Jay, you need to work on your prioritization skill.”

“Wait — that was meant to be it?” You shrieked as you recalled the memory, “I mean, it just rolls so casually in our conversation — I couldn’t have possibly picked it up as serious. Anyway, fine — when was the other time?”

“Just a few days ago when I was sending you home,” Jay replied as-a-matter-of-factly. Jay remembered skipping dance practice that night, earning an earful from the instructor the next day, just so that he can walk you home after your Students’ Union meeting with the president, Yang Jungwon.

“You’re really set on not going to the ball?” Jay asked for the umpteenth time and you nodded.

“What if I tell you that I know someone who is thinking of asking you out for the ball?” Jay prodded, stopping you in your tracks, “I’m serious.”

“Still no.”

“I have not even told you who he was,” Jay grumbled.

“Fine, entertain me,” you relented.

“Jungwon.”

“Jay stop messing around.”

“I told you I’m serious, geez,” Jay said exasperatedly.

“But why — what is that kid thinking…”

“I don’t know — maybe you should stop having some night meetings with him alone before it grows into a full-blown crush or something,” Jay shrugged before you smack him lightly on the arm. “Ouch!” he whined, “Anyway so? Will that be a yes or a no?”

“Of course no, Jungwon’s a definite no.”

“Well, I saved him from a heartbreak then,” Jay mumbled.

“Huh?” You stared at him.

“Nothing,” Jay quipped, smiling sheepishly. The truth was, one of the reason why he insisted to walk you home tonight was because he overheard Jungwon telling Heeseung this morning that he definitely would ask you out to the ball after the meeting, perhaps right after, perhaps while walking you home. Knowing that someone as upright as Jungwon was going to ask you out, Jay thought he should have been elated for this might mean that you will actually come to the ball. But somehow, like a broken record, the conversation kept on playing in his mind all day during his classes, accompanied with the 1001 likely scenarios of how you’d likely respond to him. By the time night has set in, all he knew was that he was dead set on not letting Jungwon ask you out to the ball, by hook or by crook. He did not fully comprehend why, perhaps he just did not like Jungwon, he thought. Or maybe, he didn’t like you with Jungwon together — or perhaps, he actually didn’t like you with any other guys. Fortunately by the time he had reached the Student Centre of the Campus, completely out of breath that is, he can see that you and Jungwon were still discussing the union project. Once the meeting ended, as indicated by Jungwon switching the projector off, Jay just barged in, announcing that he’ll take you home much to your suprise and to Jungwon’s dismay.

“Why not though?” Jay suddenly asked, “I mean accepting Jungwon? He’s like the textbook example of an ideal guy: cute, smart, upright, overachiever and whatnot”

“Well, my good friend has a crush on him for the longest time so that’s one big reason,” you explained, “also, we don’t even know each other that well on a personal level for me to say yes to.”

“Then would you go with me instead?” Jay suddenly grabbed onto your hand, stopping you in your tracks, “I mean, if you’re worried about having a good time, wouldn’t I be ideal then?”

For a moment, silence engulfed the two of you as you two stared into one another’s eyes. You opened your mouth to say something but immediately closed it, remembering how just this morning you overheard that the head cheerleader had asked Jay out, “Jay, just go with someone else more fitting okay? You don’t have to pity invite me or something, I’m fine. I heard the head cheerleader asked you out — isn’t that perfect? two campus heartthrobs together? You guys would be the talk of campus and the envy of many.”

Despite the praises, he could feel his heart sank. While it was not an explicit rejection, your nonchalance, for the second time, pricked him. Not one to be emotional, he plastered a smile as he slowly let your hand go, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh no, crap, I’m sorry Jay,” you sank in your seat as you stared at him in disbelief. No wonder, he looked so taken aback that night, you thought, and how cold he was the next day. “You know what, yeah I’m definitely dense — I think I traded my social skills for good grades. You can tease me with that all you want, I won’t even try to defend myself anymore.”

“Well, on the bright side, flirtations from others can’t get through to you — you’re like a fortress or something,” Jay chuckled, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry though really,” you bit your lip, apologetic, “What can I do to make it up to you? Oh you know what — that Michelin-starred restaurant that just opened up in the corner? How about I’ll treat you there for tomorrow? It’ll break my wallet but if it will unbreak what I’ve done to you -- I’d gladly commit to the splurge.”

“Oh come on, I’m not that materialistic,” Jay scoffed, “Do you mean it though, that you’ll do anything?”

“Absolutely,” you nodded, “Within moral and ethical bounds, that is.”

Suddenly Jay extended his hand towards you, beckoning you to take it. 

“You’re not dragging me to the ball right now right?” you took his hand and he pulled you up to your feet, leading you towards a more spacious area, “We’re underdressed for it Jay. I mean look at me, I’m decked in monochrome -- I basically look like I’m mourning.”

He chuckled as he pulled out his AirPods case, taking out one and gently inserting it into your ear before inserting the other pair into his, “Don’t worry, there are no dress codes for our own private ball.”

Soft music started to play through the AirPods, it was “Best Part” by Daniel Caesar ft. H.E.R. “Just dance along with me alright? I don’t need to be splurged on,” Jay’s hand slowly snaked over your back, pulling you close to him as he carefully yet smoothly guide you to the melody of the music.

“Well, gotta warn you though,” you smiled sheepishly, “I’m bad at this so don’t sue me if I step on your Pradas.”

“Fine, exclusively for tonight, I’ll put my Pradas at risk,” he quipped, his eyes glued onto yours, “Say, if you had known that I was serious — would you have said ’yes’ to me?”

You looked up, meeting his warm gaze which somehow, perhaps due to the proximity, was making your heart skip a beat, “I think so? I mean, I hate crowds but you would usually make me forget that I was in one. Also, you’ve always said yes to all of my weird adventures so I always feel like I need to repay you back in-kind if the opportunity arises.”

Despite always trying to keep his composure in the face of any nerve-wrecking  moment, Jay failed this time as he feel his smile widened while his heart raced uncontrollably. He couldn’t exactly pinpointed why: was it your sudden heart-fluttering words; was it the proximity; was it the the warmth that he could feel on both hands; was it the atmosphere; was it the fireworks that was starting to set off outside; or was it just you?

Suddenly, he thought in retrospect, he was glad that you had said “no” to him. He wouldn’t have traded the moment tonight, just you and him away from all the external noises, for a waltz in a crowded and noisy ballroom, even with all the glitz and glamour that it offers. In fact, tonight best represented what you meant to him, like that of an oasis in a desert, your presence alone is enough for him even if he has to search through the highs and lows for you -- it is just you who he’ll gravitate to eventually. 

_______

Author’s note: first imagine wheee! Hope you guys like this one :3