#hate is it appropriate or reasonable to be upset that they won’t extend to you the same courtesy?

[negativepeanuthoarder]

the problem is that the world has all these little social rules about that you’re supposed to do and I have no idea what any of them are

oh and people get mad at you for not magically knowing all of them somehow

[kithtaehyung]

Last November (M)

title: last november (m) post date: december 14th, 2020, 8pm est  ⤷ revamped/extended: march 27th, 2021, 10pm est pairing: seokjin x reader(f) genre: angst, smut, exes to lovers au summary: you two broke up on good terms. even seeing each other on your friends’ yearly end-of-november trip was never awkward. so why did this trip feel so different? and why does it feel like the end of something that wasn’t even there in the first place? warnings: angst, bad puns and jokes, mutual pining, light dom/sub undertones, oral sex (m/f receiving), nipple play, hair-pulling, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex (pls be responsible!), dirty talk, spanking, creampie, seokjin is a consent king, did i say angst?, did i also say bad puns and jokes? mobile users: alt link if this doesn’t open in tumblr ➛ AO3 word count: 23.7k 24.7k !!

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On the last Friday of every November, your group of friends piled into two cars and set off into the mountains. 

Ever since you all graduated from high school years ago, everyone branched off into their individual, intricate walks of life. Different towns, different jobs, different social circles. 

But before those grand adventures started, each of you promised one thing: a yearly trip to keep the friendship alive.

This time around, you happened to be in the “decidedly more fun” car as Jimin, Taehyung, and your longtime friend Rin jammed the backseat with singing and road trip games. Since Seokjin took driver, you claimed navigator, leaving the front of the vehicle a bit muted compared to the other half. Which was fine - you always loved relaxing on the sidelines while your friends played with chaos and hilarity. 

Namjoon kept you company from time to time, too, so you weren’t completely alone in your preferred space.  

The only thing that could’ve made the ride awkward was if you and Seokjin were on bad terms. 

It wasn’t every day you found yourself sitting beside your ex, after all. 

But that simple fact didn’t phase you. The truth was that your breakup was clean and painless - a massive relief to your friends. Back then, it would have torn everyone to pieces picking sides. 

The split was so organic that you couldn’t recall an awful reason why it happened. Separation proved as natural as the changing of seasons: you had moved away for university and he powered through his own medical pursuits. Over time, the relationship simmered to a text every few days, resulting in the night in which you decided that it was better to remain friends.

What sucked was the fact that, over the course of time after the breakup, you fell for Seokjin. Annoying, charming, incredible Seokjin. 

You didn’t come to terms with it until last November, when you watched his eyes sparkle under an indigo ocean of stars and it just clicked. Agony carved into your heart some nights when you thought about nothing else, but you couldn’t admit your feelings. Not when you two decided that your river had run its course. You couldn’t risk smothering the last embers of your relationship, so radio silence remained your lonely swan song. 

Of course you wanted to admit it. You wanted to tell him. Because no matter who came after, they all fell short. Every smile flashed your way, every pair of arms wrapped around your torso, every night spent between the sheets. Nothing compared to what you got from Jin. That man created a hole in your heart that lingered in his wake, a hole through which all of your subsequent relationships plummeted. 

The truth was simple: you didn’t want to ruin what you had. Even if what you two would always be was just friends, that endgame was enough for you.

At least, that’s what you told yourself. Every night when you couldn’t sleep, and every morning when you woke up to an empty bed.

Your vision snapped into focus as your phone screen bloomed. The maps app signaled for a turn, so you relayed the direction to Seokjin, who repeated the direction out loud before following through.

Just like always.

The road in front of you melted into a different scene entirely as you recalled why he started that habit. It sprouted from one of your car rides to a diner situated on the other side of your hometown. 

During the drive, you did your best as navigator, but your boyfriend was so into the music playing that he missed some turns. One errant right later had you both terribly lost, the surrounding area swallowing the car in darkness. On instinct, you dove into defense mode, trying and failing not to outright panic.

“My maps won’t load,” you stuttered, hitting the screen with your finger, “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Don’t worry, I can just—”

“Don’t tell me not to worry,” you bit out. “Let’s just get out of here.” You hated how pure paranoia pricked at the corners of your eyes. Getting lost was completely irksome and going back home was more appealing to you than moving forward with the date. 

“Okay. I won’t,” Seokjin assured you, turning the wheel and rolling the car out from the shadowy street. “How can I help instead?”

“Oh, umm.” With grateful eyes, you stared at your boyfriend and admired his consideration. You’ve never been asked that while upset before. “You could, uh, repeat the directions before following them? That might help.” 

His lips curved into a smile, and streetlights flooded the car to bathe his sincerity in a warm glow. “Repeat directions, you got it.”

The memory faded as you blinked and observed the endless mountain range enveloping the road. Snow topped the summits in white caps; coniferous trees swallowed the steep slopes. As if reminiscence clogged your ears, the music in the car seemed louder outside your broken reverie. 

Taehyung, as always, took charge of the aux. He usually had an eclectic mix of tunes on rotation but, that time, nothing but upbeat Christmas music was queued. You had to admit: merry music coating the car windows and mountainous scenery claiming your entire vision put you in the best mood. 

It was even better when Seokjin sang along. You really did like his singing voice. 

“I like my singing voice, too.” 

Your eyes snapped toward the driver, expression freezing over as you drank in his delight. Did you really say that out loud? You knew Seokjin enough to know that he was never going to let that go. 

“Yeah, well…” You lazily swatted his grin away. “Don’t flatter yourself.” 

Seokjin chuckled, his hands comfortably resting on the wheel. “Are you offering to do that for me? It’s minimum wage, but I’d hire you.”

Rolling your eyes felt like the only appropriate response, so you did exactly that, your exasperated gaze looping around to land on your phone. “Relish this moment, Seokjin,” you advised, zooming out in the maps app to make sure you were still heading in the right direction, “Because it won’t happen again. And take the next exit. We’re almost there.” 

“Yes, yes, next exit.” You missed the smirk on his face as he scanned the roadside for the telltale sign. “Moment relished,” he quipped, “But I prefer my moments with ketchup and mustard.” 

Your groan drowned in his boisterous laughter, but the hand on your face betrayed you since it couldn’t quite cover up the glee that formed right after. 

An hour later, everyone had unloaded the vehicles at the campgrounds and pitched the tents. While Hoseok and Jungkook worked on starting the fire pit, Namjoon and Jimin took their time organizing the food and snacks. Rin had disappeared with Taehyung somewhere, but Yoongi said he spotted them taking pictures a ways off. 

“They should be helping,” he muttered. “There’s a lot to do before it gets dark out.” 

Squatting down to rotate sizzling meat on your portable grill, you waved him off. “They’re shot-swapping since it’s golden hour.” 

The silence that followed gave you pause. When you looked up in curiosity, Seokjin and Yoongi regarded you like a foreign language coated your tongue, their struggle to decipher it earning a chuckle of pity. 

“They’re both huge influencers, so they know how to take pictures. They always do this when we get together,” you explained, spinning the kebab onto another side, “And golden hour is around sunrise and sunset. It looks like everything is soaked in gold, and it makes your pictures look pretty. But that’s an old term already! You geezers should keep up.” 

Yoongi simply raised an eyebrow and kneeled to turn his designated stick. Smoke from the charred meat wafted into your noses as he declined, “I’ll pass. That sounds stressful.” 

A rapid clapping of tongs next to your ear preceded Seokjin’s offer, “What are we waiting for? Let’s golden hour swap!” 

Why did he have to be so endearing? A cough escaped your throat, disjointed laughs following right after in their awkward escape. Beside you, Yoongi flung condescension Jin’s way, his voice stocked with disappointment as he warned, “Don’t speak. You age yourself.” 

You transferred your kebabs to a foiled plate before standing, blood rushing to your lower legs. Seokjin was unleashing a hearty tirade at the other man grilling when you intervened, “That sounds nice, actually. I’m in a photography class so I was planning on taking some photos anyways. Lemme just get my camera.” 

As you walked away, you couldn’t escape the abrupt change in atmosphere hovering over the grills, its looming tension caressing the back of your coat in a slight push. The words exchanged were soft in volume, but their possible meanings stayed clanging in your ears. 

“Did you tell her yet?” 

“No.” 

“Do it. She deserves to know.” 

You slipped out of your tent with a heavy jacket and lightheadedness. Medicine would’ve helped with the latter, but the med kit Seokjin packed remained strictly for emergencies. Besides, you couldn’t quite slap a bandage on what was truly bothering you anyways. 

As you inspected your class-registered Polaroid, you continued to wonder what Yoongi meant earlier. 

What was he implying? You deserved to know what? You couldn’t say the feeling swirling around your gut was a positive one. After all, there was a distinct difference in what a person should know, and what a person deserved to know. What was so important that Yoongi practically ordered Seokjin to spill? 

Was there another person in his life now? That was one thing that crossed your mind, but you filed that under the “should know” category, even though it twisted your stomach to think about.

The news had to be something urgent. 

Was Seokjin getting married? 

Without your permission, vessels in your heart shriveled, squeezing life from your already battered soul. A betrothal was entirely possible with his pursuit of a medical degree and coming from a well-to-do family. Maybe he was in an arrangement? 

That possibility dropped an anvil on your chest. You couldn’t say that you were completely fine were that the truth. How could you be fine with something like that if you loved him? Of course, you would be happy if he was, but your heart would require recuperation for an extended amount of time. Give or take a few years. 

You wandered so far into the depths of your mind that Seokjin’s sudden appearance kicked you back to shore, a yelp leaving your mouth at the same time your Polaroid left your hands. If the camera wasn’t hanging from your neck, you would’ve been in deep shit with your professor as soon as it hit the cold soil. 

Its bulky frame definitely bruised your lower chest on the downswing, though. “Ow. Geez, Jinnie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.” 

Your eyes widened in realization. Jinnie? Shit, you hadn’t called him that since you guys were dating. Quite obviously, the stockpile of thoughts and worries involving his secret were blocking your brain from better judgment. 

And apparently you weren’t the only one affected by that nickname because Seokjin’s eyebrows shot into his dark locks, his peculiar glance shifting away. Odd. 

After an awkward second, he cleared his throat. “Does it hurt?” 

Is it supposed to? You knew he was inquiring about your injury but your thoughts drifted to what hadn’t been divulged yet. “No, it’s fine,” you lied. “Let’s pick a spot before we lose the light.” 

You don’t remember how long you walked, but the pair of you ended up far from the original campsite. 

In your defense, it wasn’t like you planned that outcome. The trees matched at every turn, so you kept wandering until you found a good clearing - or at least some rocks to break the forested monotony. 

A foil to your pickiness, Seokjin voiced his thoughts every ten paces, his votes of confidence constantly crushed by your boots. If you had a cent for every time he declared a spot “the one,” you could actually afford the Polaroid dangling from your neck. 

It was at a calm clearing with some patches from last snowfall where you decided to settle. 

Unhooking the strap from your neck, you ushered, “Let’s do this quick. It’s almost over.” 

“I wanna do it first!” You thought Seokjin meant to take the camera from you, but instead he scuttled into the clearing, striking a pose once he reached its center. Of course the fool meant that he wanted his pictures taken and not the other way around. How was any other idea plausible? “Hurry up, you said!” 

“The ‘S’ in Seokjin stands for ‘Selfish,’” you yelled, positioning the Polaroid against your eye regardless. His face enlarged in the lens and, to his credit, you couldn’t argue that he was the clear model between you two. The man could pursue a career in fashion instead of medicine and you wouldn’t bat an eye. 

He looked handsome merely standing there, cheeks dimpling at nothing in particular and his charm ever effortless. Even the slight bags under his eyes didn’t take away from his natural beauty. 

Par for the course with Seokjin. That unbothered self-assurance was one of the traits you liked and hated about him. 

At least, initially. The more you got to know him, your outlook on that defining characteristic was one of admiration, not hatred. You simply needed to start shoving some of that confidence down your own throat like a different type of vitamin C.

After a telltale camera snap, the man threw out his coated arms in another pose. “And the ‘Seok’ stands for ‘Seok in my presence!’” 

“I think I’ve been in it long enough. My fingers are pruny,” you droned while lowering your Polaroid, ignoring his wiggling in the background. It seemed you were still accustomed to his ridiculousness. 

Yet another thing you gave him credit for: he was never afraid to be a dork. When you first met him, you admittedly thought he was faking it. Over time, you recognized his authenticity, and you grew fond of everything wrapped in the gift that was Kim Seokjin.

You waited for the picture to materialize in your hand. When your impatient model approached you and asked why you weren’t shaking the polaroid, you informed him that you should, in fact, not do that. “It’ll damage the final product!” 

“So that song is…” 

“Wrong. Yes.” 

Pure shock flashed across his face. “What other lies have I been told?”  

The captured memory started blossoming, and you watched as the color bled into life. “That you aren’t the funniest person on the planet,” you answered, earning a scoff. 

“In that case, you’ve just been misinformed.” Seokjin huffed before offering an outstretched palm. “Now hand over the camera, it’s your turn.”

“Me?” You didn’t think he was serious when he said swap. In reality, you just assumed he whipped up an excuse for you to take pictures of him. 

And you didn’t mind. It was nice to have that charming smile directed at you, even if only through the lens of a camera. The Polaroid would be your shield, blocking Seokjin from the pain swimming in your eyes, barely afloat in pools of regret and guilt and loneliness.

“Yes, woman! When was the last time you had your picture taken?” 

Slowly, embarrassment swelled across your cheeks when you realized it had been a very long time. Legitimately long. You never asked others to take your picture; rather, you were always the one behind the lens. The last time someone actually offered was… 

“When you took one,” you stuttered out breathily, “At that park.” 

It was during one of the last dates you two went on before you left for university. There was a carnival you were dying to visit, and Seokjin surprised you with tickets and a kiss. 

You remember being so elated while traversing through the whimsical booths, failing fantastically at the rigged games, scarfing down sticky, billowy cotton candy. Squeaky horns and childish laughter filled your ears, and you could still feel Jin’s gentle fingers on your hand as he shyly tugged you under glowing stringed lights. 

The main attraction was a carousel keeping everything else in orbit, its charisma shining like a golden, spinning sun. When night fell, you too gravitated toward its charm, standing behind its barricade to watch horses and teacups endlessly turn. 

It was so captivating that you forgot yourself and where you were - who you were supposed to be spending time with. Swiveling in fear, you scanned the bustling crowd for your boyfriend, realizing that you needn’t worry at all. 

Seokjin simply waited behind you, holding up his phone and telling you to pose. You were so caught off-guard in that moment that your face contorted hilariously right as he snapped the photo. In his eyes, it was the greatest picture of all time. 

However, it wasn’t that well received by its subject. You begged Seokjin to delete it, and he finally caved on the grounds that you took a replacement. Conceding, you stomped back to the gate guarding the twirling attraction and pranked your boyfriend with a blank expression. 

But as soon as Seokjin drawled “You look like you don’t care-ousel,” you burst into laughter - your unabashed mirth becoming his background on every device he owned. 

The scene faded from your eyes as the current Seokjin stood in front of you, gripping the Polaroid instead of his phone. Gone were the lights and sounds of the theme park and, with them, your fleeting moment of solace. 

“Oh,” was all he stated in return, and you swore the temperature chose to drop in that moment just to mock you.

“You know I don’t prefer it anyways.” Your heart was losing its grip, sorrow evident in your shaky tone. You folded your arms to shield your body from the weather and unwanted emotions. “I’m definitely not as photogenic as you.” 

“Nonsense,” Seokjin shot back. “Now hurry up, it’s only golden minute now!” 

And just like that, his warmth melted any awkwardness like spring chasing away winter. 

In retrospect, he probably regarded that moment at the carnival differently, or he just wanted to keep those memories in the past where they belonged. It hurt to be the only one so strongly affected by them, but Jin had the right idea. If there existed a standard list of activities to do with an ex, talking about the past wasn’t one of the options. Especially if you had feelings for said ex. 

Plus, you didn’t forget that there was something he had to tell you. It seemed like you were going to have to wait a little longer for that, and your anxiousness wasn’t pleased.  

As you ambled to the center of the clearing, you focused more on the crunching sounds your boots made rather than your feelings. With a quick survey of the area, you surmised that it really was a pretty spot, the mountain range peeking behind the trees adding depth to the setting. Adjusting your outfit, you took a breath of courage before staring at the eye of the Polaroid.

Seokjin moved the camera from his face and called your name, roping your gaze to his concern. “Smile, okay?” 

On instinct, your throat constricted. You couldn’t hide behind the lens that time. But smile you did, and you hoped Seokjin thought it genuine, silently pleading him to not notice the anguish lingering behind your crescent eyes. 

The fire pit your friends constructed blazed bright as you both made it back to the campgrounds. Everyone occupied the surrounding logs and, judging from the soft pop pumping from a portable speaker, Jungkook must have commandeered music control.

Jimin turned when he heard your footsteps, his expression indiscernible as he shifted his gaze between you and Jin. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything, only turning back to Yoongi to continue their conversation. 

Seokjin and you parted ways effortlessly: he slotted into the empty space next to Namjoon and you headed to your tent to stow your camera. 

And for some reason, that easy departure was hard to swallow. 

Your pitched space offered warmth upon entry, and you dumped yourself onto your sleeping bag without a word. A few quiet moments passed before you unzipped your backpack, the tiny action feeling so tedious, so difficult to achieve. 

After you finally stored your equipment and closed your bag shut, you just… sat there. Contemplative. 

Mentally, you were in a bad place. Your thoughts and emotions banged into each other, their war rendering you powerless - captive. Fidgeting with the plasticky fabric of your sleeping bag, you thought back to what happened after you two left the photo spot.

It was an uneventful walk back for the most part. The polaroids turned out nice, all thanks to the very rare and very expensive camera you borrowed. Seokjin claimed yours and handed you his, and faced with your sudden curiosity, he sheepishly offered, “You don’t have to keep it.” 

You were more questioning of the fact that he stored yours in his jacket, but you didn’t want to broach that subject. It was beginning to scare you. Maybe it was the fact that he was acting strange, coupled with the other fact that he was hiding something from you. 

Why were you suddenly afraid to confront him? You two were open with each other during your relationship. Were you also wanting to put this dreaded conversation off as long as possible, too? 

If he was with someone else, though, would he still be keeping your picture? 

It was too much to think about, so you tried to lock everything in a box and sit on it. 

You saw the light of the campfire after a few minutes of walking through the woods - a handful of silent, crawling minutes. It was bugging you that Seokjin didn’t say anything on the way back. A quiet Jin was a Jin knee deep in thought, and not in good circumstance. In a moment of weakness, you almost offered out your hand to grab his, but you instead crammed it inside your coat pocket. 

When you both rejoined your friends, it seemed so easy for you guys to separate, like you didn’t just go off and do something so intimate. Even though that wasn’t the word you wanted to use. 

You resigned yourself to the big picture nonetheless: it wasn’t like what Taehyung and Rin did. Your best friend was insanely popular on social media with her carefully curated feed and relatable-yet-unachievable style. Taehyung had his own massive following for different reasons, and you couldn’t deny that he knew exactly what he was doing to gain the hearts of many. They were snapping photos for each other to show millions of anonymous beings across the world. 

You and Seokjin just took photos for each other to have. No one else was going to see those. 

Why did you feel like that was significant? 

The edge of your sleeping bag began to fray under duress, so you plucked your body off the ground and slipped back outside. What you expected was the temperature dipping a couple degrees in nightfall. What you didn’t expect was Jimin waiting for you, puffy jacket and all, leaning against a tree. 

When he saw you emerge from your tent, he straightened and regarded you with caution. “Everything okay?”

You adjusted the front of your coat before fishing a beanie out to cover your ears. “Yeah, why?”

“You were just in there for awhile,” Jimin explained, his eyes searching yours, “And you were with him for a long time.”

“I don’t like being interrogated, Park,” you sighed.

“I know, I just…” He mirrored you and huffed his own breath toward the ground. A quick glance had you noticing that his own beanie was knit as thick as the fog in your mind. “I just want to make sure.” 

Jimin was whom you considered closest next to your best friend and formerly Seokjin. After your break up, Jimin regularly sent you texts to check on you, despite your constant assurance that you were okay. It got to a point where you phoned him and pleaded reprieve - to reach out only if he had something critical to say. 

His broken reply? He only texted you because Seokjin wouldn’t. 

You ended up crying after that call, and the tears annoyingly persisted a couple nights following. 

He was also one of the only two people in the world that knew you loved Jin. Rin was the other, and that’s only because you let it slip during a girls’ night over cheap wine and period piece movies. Something about an early morning confession in a dewy meadow was enough to loosen your alcohol-mottled tongue.

After you ran your fingers over your head, you responded, “Can I ask you something?” 

Your friend’s eyes roamed over your face. “Of course.”

“What’s he hiding from me?”

Jimin instantly clammed up at the question. His dancer frame assumed a rigid position, each limb locking, including his jaw. “It’s not my place to say,” he answered gravely, pulling anger from your center.

“Does everyone else know this secret except me?” You really couldn’t take it anymore, especially knowing that something you supposedly deserved to know was possibly public knowledge. 

“Just the guys,” Jimin divulged, and you scoffed. 

“I can’t believe this.” You made to walk away, in the opposite direction of the campfire. Into the woods again.

Jimin said your name like he just wanted you to understand already, halting you mid-stride. “I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you. Trust me, I have.”

“He’s a grown man, Park. His decisions aren’t your problem,” you whispered. 

“But aren’t they yours?” 

“Not anymore. We aren’t together right now, if you don’t recall.” You knew you were spitting bullshit, and Jimin did, too. If Seokjin wasn’t giving you problems, you wouldn’t have been hiding in your tent or literally and figuratively walking away from him. Guiltily, you turned back to face Jimin and give him his credit. 

He was this way for everyone in your group: the glue that hung on and fought to keep people from breaking apart. Whenever a fight broke out between warring parties, Jimin was the middle man. Always. 

Sighing, you relented, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just so confused, and the longer he hides whatever he’s hiding from me, the more restless I’ll be.”

“Everyone is on your side in this,” Jimin replied. “He just needs to, I don’t know, woman up.”

A breath of laughter escaped you at the tweaked phrase, the tension coating your shoulders slowly sliding off in clumps. “Did you say ‘woman up?’”

“Men aren’t shit,” your friend explained, pointing a gloved finger to punctuate every syllable. “At least women get things done.”

“I would totally drink to that if I had a bottle in my hand, Jimin.”

“Ah, well that can be arranged!” The boy’s eyes crinkled as he spun on a heel. “Let’s go. Jungkook and Taehyung brought out the drinks awhile ago. I missed out on a few bottles already talking to you.”

“Oh, I feel so remorseful,” you cooed, your voice worthy of giving kids cavities. “Almost as if I cared.” 

“Ass,” Jimin snapped, but he could only laugh. When you joined his side, he turned and whispered, “But seriously. If he doesn’t talk about it by the end of this trip, I’m giving him hell.” 

The temperature dropped again at that moment, and the wind blowing through the pines cut straight into your bones. Your shoulders hunched on instinct and you blinked to get needed moisture. Was it going to snow? The skies above did look intimidating. Was it going to storm? 

A sudden trepidation settled into your gut. “Did we check the weather,” you queried, shuffling through your brain to see if you monitored it yourself before the trip. 

“Uh-umm, I did,” Jimin answered through chattering teeth, “But I didn’t see anything other than it being cold.” 

You pulled out your phone and regretted doing so, your fingers freezing over instantly. You were lucky you all chose a location that was still in signal range - really, thanks went to Rin and Taehyung for incessantly demanding it every year.

Pulling up the weather app after a few tries, you cursed at the oncoming forecast. “Well, there’s more to it. Snow’s coming in,” you relayed to Jimin. “Let’s pack up and find a place to stay.” 

The car ride to the nearest lodging felt immensely different than the ride to the campgrounds. Some people focused on defrosting, one person worried about the people in the front, and the two said people in the front weren’t talking at all. 

It was you that broke the silence when you steadily gave directions, and Seokjin would repeat them like always. Selfishly, you wanted the car ride to keep going just so you could hear his voice. He wasn’t saying anything otherwise, and there wasn’t music playing for him to absentmindedly sing along to. 

The first snowfall was light as your caravan entered the small town nearby, which relieved you. Tiny snowflakes clung onto the windows and you lost yourself in their geometric patterns. Lights from the shops and other stray cars reflected in the slick roads to create a symphony of color, and white patches already settled on trees that lined the main way. 

Seokjin spotted the lodge first, and he rolled into a spot towards the entrance, Jungkook’s car slotting into the next space. Your driver rolled down his window and repeatedly pointed his finger down to signal for Yoongi to follow suit. “Let’s go in and make sure they have our rooms first,” he called out, and Jungkook leaned over his console to shout a hearty okay.

You hoisted yourself out of the car and waited for the boys to follow. Seokjin went to stand next to you, but instead of Jungkook popping out of the other car, it was Namjoon that emerged. You could only guess that the youngest slyly started a game to have the loser get out. 

Your stomach turned when you realized it was most likely because no one wanted to be left alone with you and Seokjin. 

Remorse burned your throat. This trip was supposed to be fun, but it just felt strained. Were you overthinking? Or was your churning gut correct in its assumption? 

At the very least, you hoped everyone else was having a better time than you were. 

It seemed that the man beside you had the same feeling that a challenge was pitched. “Rock-paper-scissors? Or nose goes?”

Namjoon just laughed at the ground as his face flushed. “Nose goes, and I put my finger on my mouth so, umm, that’s that.” 

You chuckled while you three made your way to the door, both of them towering over you on either side. Seokjin opened the entrance for everyone and, when you stepped foot inside, you were hit with a wave of warmth mixed with an undercurrent of gingerbread. The entirety of the main entrance bathed in plaid or embroidered throws, and there was an obvious affinity for Christmas on display with the plethora of garlands, lights, and a towering Christmas tree in the front bay window. 

Namjoon and Seokjin quickly got distracted by the toy train running through a snowy village setup. Adorable, but not helpful. 

Alone at the front desk, you received confirmation that your group had four bookings, and you thanked the concierge while you gathered the keys. 

The rooms weren’t next to each other. One of them sat on another floor, and the rest were separated but shared the same level. 

A container of pamphlets caught your attention, so you grabbed one before strolling away. “Guys, let’s claim our rooms. After that, you can watch the train all you want,” you called out, tapping them both on the back with the thin brochure. 

They swiveled their heads to your retreating form before following you out the door. 

“No. We are not doing that again.” 

“Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun!” 

“I’m with Yoongi on this one. We could all end up in the same room.” 

“But what if you get a room to yourself?” 

“Why can’t we ever just pick like normal people? And Hoseok-hyung, you laugh but you have the worst luck out of all of us.” 

“Excuse me! That’s only because you all psyche me out!” 

“Let’s just pick something. My phone’s almost dead.” 

You stood next to Rin while you two watched the boys decide how room assignments were determined. It was a sight to see: them crowding the small hallway, bags littered around their bulky shoes. You both were thankful they were courteous enough to let you two keep a room to yourselves. They even made sure yours wasn’t on the other floor, just so that you girls wouldn’t be alone. 

They were going to pick random rooms one-by-one, not knowing which options the others picked until they opened a door. If you and your friend also had to choose, you were risking the possibility of being stuck with Seokjin, which was the last thing you wanted. 

On a day where your friendship was actually normal, that wouldn’t have mattered one bit. But right then? The tension surrounding him would have been detrimental. 

He had something to say; he wasn’t saying it. You were a sitting, fidgeting duck. 

Jungkook whipped his phone out to search the internet for a random coin flip generator. “Here. Heads, we do it. Tails, we don’t.” 

Yoongi just snickered in defeat and already started picking up his bag. “I call picking first.” 

His intuition proved sharp as the generator pulled up Heads: they were going with the random room assignments. Taehyung kicked his head back with a sigh, and Jimin and Jungkook burst into laughter while the elders collectively groaned.  

As Rin giggled at their misfortune, you sent a rueful smile Seokjin’s way out of habit. You were still friends, after all, and he seemed so distraught over the prospect of horrid results. His eyes locked onto yours and, for a brief moment, he offered a shy grin in return.

The fluttering in your chest was quickly shooed away. 

It was while everyone relaxed around a public lounge area that Jungkook hurled an accusation, his eyes alight with the flames licking the nearby fireplace. “Hyung cheated.” 

Seokjin immediately sat up in his plush chair and retorted, “Take that back! I did nothing of the sort. You all were just too lazy to take the stairs to the next floor.”

Taehyung shot him a side eye and shared his own eloquent opinion. “Seems sus.” 

A whole new wave of bickering erupted, and you redirected your attention to the snow storm blustering outside tall windows. 

You were thanking every deity above that you guys decided to leave in time. It would’ve been hell in the campsite during this weather, or even while squeezed into the cars. 

Though the original plans were derailed, you were pretty happy with the current lodging situation. Who knew a small town would have a humongous lodge? It had to be assumed that this was the main business keeping the town running. Rin was absolutely drinking it in and stated she even wanted to bring her family there, her thoughtfulness curving your mouth upwards.

Another good thing that came out of this trip proved to be the room assignments that Jungkook ended up loathing. They had you clutching your sides when all was said and done.

Four of the boys managed to pick the same room, and Hoseok and Yoongi snagged a room to themselves. These results resulted in one Kim Seokjin speeding up and down the hallway, wholeheartedly shouting with glee. Yoongi almost crumpled to the ground in relief at the end, and Hoseok fell over in laughter when he entered the full room. You could feel the desperation in Namjoon’s muffled voice as he begged Seokjin to let him change rooms. The only reply he received was an ominous “If you behave.” 

“Don’t blame us,” Yoongi laughed out, both hands lightly gripping the arms of the rocking chair he chose. “This is what you young people get for trying to be cute.” His relief from only having to bunk with one other person left him chipper, you noticed. To his credit, it was amusing that the youngest four ended up in the same room. 

“Okay, gramps,” Jungkook snapped, earning a laugh from Jimin on the seat next to him. “But she definitely gave hyung clues!” 

You whipped your head around to shoot a confused look toward your accuser. “Me?” 

Multiple eyes darted between you two like pinballs, and you didn’t have time to brace for his next words,

“You know you won’t see him again after this trip, so you—” 

“—Kook!” 

All oxygen abandoned you as Jimin rushed to shut the younger man’s mouth, practically slapping his face. Eyes popped out of his head as Jungkook paled in realization. 

The rest of the boys bore glares into the youngest one’s countenance, but Seokjin turned directly towards you with concern. 

What just happened? Your fingers gripped the varnished wood of your chair as you slowly locked eyes with your ex, and your heart dropped like a stone when he shifted his gaze to the floor. 

What the fuck was happening? Your brain was going haywire. What did Jungkook mean? You wouldn’t see Seokjin after this trip? The man that you couldn’t wait to see on the last Friday of every November? That was bogus. He was joking. It was a joke, right? One more weekend before Seokjin was gone from your life forever? Impossible. Ludicrous.

Why wasn’t anyone saying anything? 

Beside you, Rin clutched one of your tense fists in her soft palms. Addressing the group, her sharp tone demanded an answer when she asked, “What the hell is going on?” 

The silence that followed was palpable. Not even the pleasant music drifting through the lodge was enough to damper the tension. 

“I think,” Yoongi finally murmured, his words ice, “This is our cue to leave.”  

“No need,” your friend snipped, “We’ll go.” She whispered your name before softly tugging you to vacate your seat. 

When you pried yourself from the cushion, it took a moment for you to control your legs to actually move. You knew all the guys were watching you, but you were too embarrassed to acknowledge them, too upset to look any of them in the eye. 

Rin led you away from the lounge, making sure you were heading toward the nearest staircase before spinning on her heel. “To the unfortunate soul that gets to explain this to me,” she bit, clutching everyone’s attention in her underlying threat, “Text me where to meet you in ten minutes.” 

Both you and Rin occupied the carpet, backs against the cookie cutter sofa that existed in each room. 

You two pushed the furniture around so that the couch faced the windows instead of the plain TV, and you surprised your friend by dumping yourself onto the ground instead of the cushions. Rin didn’t question you, though. She only followed suit. 

The curtains were shoved to the side to reveal the relentless storm, and you watched the swirls and streaks of white until your head fell onto Rin’s shoulder. 

“I should’ve been paying attention to you,” she murmured, “I’m sorry.”

You shook your head, the motion feeling awkward in its tilt. “No, no. You’ve been having a fun time, so I’m happy I didn’t ruin that.” Your laugh was dry. “Until now, at least.”

Rin lowered her shoulder so that you rested more comfortably. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I’m going through a breakup again.”

Fuck. You didn’t realize until the words left your lips that it’s how you really felt. 

It had been a few years since you guys ended things. Throughout that whole time, you didn’t feel awkward one bit.  

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The “date” that Seokjin brought to the Christmas party last year made you want to tear your hair out. But, that was because she was obviously after his finances and that was the year you realized you loved him. 

The conversation you had with Seokjin turned sour, but you really wanted him to see the big picture. You could still recall that night with clarity, the snow falling much lighter than what you currently witnessed outside. 

“Seokjin, do you honestly think she likes you?” The red dress you wore was so vibrant that it glinted off the dinnerware spread across the decadent table nearby. 

When you pulled your ex aside that night, the only quiet place you could find was the dining room, long abandoned once everyone got their seconds. Up until this point, it was obvious Seokjin wasn’t understanding you. You tried to tell him how you saw it, and he would just brush things aside. 

“You sound like you care more than I do,” he accused, his eyes looking everywhere but your face.

Before you responded, you scoffed. “I’m your friend. Of course I’m going to care.” 

You remember the strong emotions you suppressed that night. You couldn’t let more things slip than necessary. Yes, you could show him you cared. Yes, you could show him he needed someone else. Just as long as you didn’t give too much of your own feelings for him away. “You deserve someone that at least likes you, for you.” 

Seokjin finally stared back at your stormy features, his eyes filled with something unsaid. You sucked in a breath. What else would he say? You liked him for everything he was, but that relationship didn’t pan out. Obviously. You would’ve been going to this Christmas party together if you still dated. 

Maybe you shouldn’t have been having that conversation - it was already hard enough for you to say you were his friend. You wanted to be more than that. Again. 

“I know she doesn’t like me,” he finally admitted, running a hand through his bangs. The urge to caress his ever soft strands filled you with grief. 

You really did like his hair, and it looked even better when coupled with his Nutcracker-esque attire. 

“Then why…” You struggled to find a reason why they were even there together. It was a Christmas party with your friends. Why would he bring someone that he didn’t like? 

“She’s interested in Namjoon.” Seokjin’s eyes quickly turned into crescents when he witnessed your expression, and his full lips pursed to contain his laughter. “I was trying to get her off me the whole night, but she was trying harder than she needed to to make him jealous. I’m irresistible, you know.” 

“Irritable is more like it,” you growled, playfully shoving him aside. “Ass! I was just trying to protect you and you knew this whole time!” 

“It’s nice to know you’re looking out for me!” The man beamed as he made his way out of the dining room. 

“Yeah, well,” you whispered, tensing slightly when he stopped. “They have to be perfect. It’s what you deserve.” And you really did mean that.  

Seokjin’s smile faltered, and you shot him a half-smile before exiting the room yourself. 

That was the last time you guys had an argument, if you could even call it that. The rest of the moments you had with him were completely fine. You wondered if Seokjin could see through you during that conversation. He was perceptive, sure, but you may have gotten away with looking like just a good friend. 

It was just worrisome since you couldn’t control your emotions that night. You only got to see him in person during these November trips and Christmas parties when you went home, after all. Seeing him again after realizing you loved him ignited something within you, and it took the whole night to put that fire out.

This looming news just felt way too heavy to handle. Was it because you reached where the sidewalk ended? You weren’t going to see his face in person or hear his laugh out loud. There wasn’t going to be off-the-cuff, awful dad jokes thrown your way every end of November. 

A nagging idea, far in the depths of your mind, kept tapping your shoulder. But you brushed it off with a scowl. 

Even if you acknowledged the concept, there was no way Seokjin felt the same about you. Neither one of you said you loved each other throughout the time you were dating. Were there times you thought you did? Admittedly, yes. Did you ever think about telling him? Another yes. But he never hinted that he felt the same, so it would’ve been awkward for you if it turned out he didn’t. The absence of a confession kept you from revealing yours. So of course even now, you couldn’t tell him. Especially since he was apparently leaving.

Rin didn’t speak for awhile, but you knew she wasn’t the best at comforting people. She was number one at standing up for you and protecting you, but when it came to the softer parts of consoling, she did flounder. Which was endearing and calming in itself.

“How can I help,” she simply offered, and you nuzzled further into her neck. She always smelled so nice, your guardian Rin.

The adrenaline from Jungkook’s bombshell, your swift exit, and the constant stream of thoughts started to wane. Exhaustion slowly took its place like honey sliding into a jar. Softly, your eyelids drooped and you whispered, “This room is a castle, so be my big bad dragon and don’t let anyone in.” 

The last sound you heard before falling asleep was a tinkling laugh followed by a small “As you wish, princess.” 

When you regained consciousness, you discovered that you were strewn across one of the beds instead of the ground. You couldn’t even estimate how much time passed while you were out, but the storm outside was still thrashing and the only light in the room was the emergency one by the door. 

You groggily propped up weary limbs in search of your phone, eventually swiping it from the nightstand. Still half-asleep, you barely registered the pain meds and glass of water sitting on that same table, their dark silhouettes waiting patiently. 

Bright pixels mocked your drool-covered chin. Scrunching your face instinctively, you scrolled through your notifications while blinking sleep from your lashes. You received multiple texts, but you didn’t want to open the threads completely, so you opted to check them from the Home screen. 

Jiminie [7:20pm]: Fuck, I’m sorry that happened. Please be okay. Love you.

Tae [7:21pm]: free hugs whenever you need. you know the drill. 

Rin-Rin [7:36pm]: I know you said not to let anyone in but I literally couldn’t carry you to the bed. Forgive me!

Yoongi [7:37pm]: He’s in his room. I kept telling him to tell you. I know it’s shit to find out this way so if he doesn’t explain things to you, I will. 

Hobi [7:39pm]: we’re here for u love!! let me know if u need anything. there’s a small concession stand downstairs so if u need smth i can run it up!!

Jiminie [7:40pm]: Kook is in bad shape. He swore he thought hyung told you already. Don’t worry tho. I’m not letting him off easy.

Rin-Rin [7:43pm]: Hey, love. Just spoke to Seokjin. I think you need to talk to him yourself, but only if you feel up for it. 

Joonie [7:45pm]: I gave Rin a bottle of pain meds we had in our room 

Joonie [7:45pm]: Go ahead and take some when you wake up

Joonie [7:45pm]: We can count this as an emergency

Jiminie [8:21pm]: Let me know if you’re okay, okay?

Kook [8:33pm]: I’m so sorry 

Rin-Rin [8:48pm]: Grabbing us some snacks from downstairs, I’ll brb. 

Your battered heart sank even more when you noticed a distinct absence amongst the names. Seokjin didn’t send you a single message. 

What had gotten into him? Did he still not want to talk to you despite you knowing his secret? You clicked your phone shut without opening any of the messages and sunk into the pillows. It was 8:49pm, so you had barely missed Rin’s departure. Her exit was probably what woke you. 

Unwittingly, you found your device in front of your baggy eyes again, berating yourself for hovering over Seokjin’s thread. The last text he sent stared back at you in a mocking set of pixels. 

Kim JokeJin [Thursday, 9:23pm]: Let’s make this one the best one! 

With the previous context, this was just a regular message about the yearly trip. With the right context, these words tied your throat in a knot.  

You were sure you loved him, but what you were feeling now was even stronger. If you were honest with yourself, you would say that this is what yearning truly felt like, what something deeper than love felt like. 

But you were a fool and a liar, so you convinced yourself it was only because you wouldn’t see him again. 

As soon as you were about to give up and lock your phone, the thread updated with a new text from Seokjin, and you stilled. 

Kim JokeJin [8:51pm]: You’re probably still asleep, so I don’t want to wake you. 

You immediately clicked on his message, your anxiousness protected by the absence of Read receipts. The typing bubble kept popping in and out of the screen and, with bated breath, you waited to see if a second text slid into the thread. A hard exhale whooshed from your throat when the second message came through. 

Kim JokeJin [8:53pm]: But I owe you an explanation so come up when you can. 

Fingers locked your phone in an instant when the door creaked on its hinges. Rin entered with an armful of chips and various candy bars, and as you started to get up, she tutted.  

“Sit down, lady.” Packages crinkled as she dumped them onto your covered legs in a processed, sweet and salty heap. “Did you take the medicine?” 

You shook your head, very sure that you looked like a cranky Troll doll. 

“Go ahead and eat something really quick so the medicine will work. When you’re awake enough…” Rin’s voice trailed off, but you filled in the blanks yourself. Go talk to him was what she wanted to say. 

“Can’t you just tell me what he said?” You were hopeful that Rin would save you the pain of confronting Seokjin yourself. In reality, she denied your request. 

“Not this time,” she murmured, “This is something that needs to come from him.” 

You figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to try getting out of it. It was a conversation that you both wanted and dreaded to have. Under your goosebumps, your bones trembled.

If you were frightened by the mere gist of it, how were you going to react to the real thing?

The reality was that you needed the closure Seokjin was offering. You didn’t think this vacation - or your friendship, for that matter - could regain normalcy until you had this talk. “Sorry I ruined this trip,” you whispered, playing with a corner of the closest bag of chips. 

“I’m sorry, is your name ‘Jungkook?’” Rin laughed. “I’m kidding. It’s not ruined. At the very least, it’s salvageable. Maybe.”

“You should be a weather girl with these confident forecasts,” you joked, coaxing a laugh from your friend. You offered a small smile in return, but your heart wasn’t in it. She kinda forgot that this is the last trip you guys would have with Seokjin. If anything, it was doomed from the start. 

Little striations ran across the door greeting you, shallow cuts skirting up and down the frame. You roved your eyes over the rough texture; contemplative, lost in the mahogany brown expanse. 

If only you were a sturdy tree. You wouldn’t have to worry about any hard conversations in life. All you would’ve had to worry about was possibly becoming a rickety chair for a spoiled brat, or one of Namjoon’s tables that he would eventually damage and lament over. 

With a breath, you finally knocked. 

It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s freshly showered form to answer, and when you saw him dressed down to a plain white shirt and black pants, you quickly shifted your eyes to the floor. Didn’t he know that outfit was your favorite? Your weakness? 

“Hey,” you simply said. “I’m awake now.” 

He nodded and let you in, the door closing with a soft click. When you crossed the room, you stopped in front of the couch, anticipation already caking onto your clothes. There wasn’t much to say on your end, you figured, so Seokjin had to take the lead. 

Instead of launching into topic, he walked towards you and grabbed a bottle from his nightstand. “Do you want some water?” 

You could only stare at the plastic in question. “Did I come here for water, Seokjin?” 

There was a heavy pause before the man planted his offering on the nightstand. “No.” Sitting on the longer side of his bed, he clasped his hands together, blank eyes glued to the floor. “Jungkook is right. I won’t be able to go on these trips anymore.” 

“Why?” 

“I, umm,” Seokjin answered, his words fumbling, “I kinda got into Harvard Medical School.” 

“What?” Your anxiousness was forgotten as you gawked at him. That was what he was holding back from you? All this time? That amazing, fantastic, crazy news? Without thinking, you bounded toward him and crushed him in a hug, careful to not push him back onto the bed. “Seokjin! This is what you couldn’t tell me?” 

His arms remained at his sides. When he responded, his explanation bounced onto your shoulder, “I literally won’t have a life once I start. None of you will be able to see this face, isn’t that enough to be sad about?” 

Another moment of weakness came over you, and instead of overcoming it, you gave in. Your arms tightened around him and you whispered, “No, I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard…” 

There were bags under his eyes for a reason. You knew the nights he got three hours of sleep far outweighed the nights he got more than that. The reason you two didn’t get to see each other was his relentless studying and discipline, and you didn’t want him to have to choose between you and a future career. You both were way too young for those rash decisions. 

It was with this memory that you were reminded of why you broke up: you wanted him to focus on his goals and you would do the same. “Really, I’m so proud of you.” 

Why you hadn’t let go of him at that point was a mystery to you, but you couldn’t seem to stop. The feel of his body against yours consumed you, held you captive even if his arms didn’t. 

But after a moment, you felt strong limbs wrap around your sides and emotion wrap around your throat. 

You don’t remember the last time you two truly embraced. It was a given that the last time you did, you were both completely different people. Both so young. Both so naive.

“Thank you,” Seokjin breathed, his head finally a beautiful burden on your shoulder, “But there’s more.” 

Tension froze your veins, taking the color from your complexion. Of course there was more. There was no way that was the big reveal, even though it was a monster in itself. “Oh,” was all you managed to squeak out. 

Seokjin’s arms gently pushed your body away so that he could look you in the eyes. You already missed his stronghold, but you listened as he spoke. “My parents want me to go back home. To Korea.” 

You blinked. “Even though you got into Harvard?” 

“No, no, after that,” Seokjin expressed with a level of confidence only he could achieve. Like it was inconceivable that he wouldn’t get his doctorate. He then searched your face, the pause holding weight. “So, I don’t know if I’ll see you guys again.” 

The wind howled outside and you shivered as if you were standing out there in the cold. There was so much that you wanted to say, but all the thoughts you had in your head melded together into sludge. Words struggled to leave your mouth. Nothing processed correctly in your brain. 

Seokjin wasn’t joking - not this time. He really was going to be swamped in work and work and more work. Even the holidays were going to be crammed, and you were sure he wanted to use those rare rest periods solely to recharge. 

Yes, he would still be able to text and call everyone, but that would be the extent of communication. He wasn’t big on social media. Even if he was, there would certainly be a dip in his activity now. 

Just like you felt earlier, you really did feel like you were going through a breakup again. Only this time, the last remains of your relationship were at stake. 

You didn’t want that. 

“We’d still be friends,” you weakly offered, wondering if you were just saying that to convince yourself. 

An empty chuckle startled you, and when you looked at Jin, he directed an empty gaze toward his nightstand’s lamp. “Yeah… We’d still be friends,” he repeated, and the way he said that made your shoulders sag. It was almost as if he didn’t believe you. 

“But Seokjin… You should be so happy. I mean, you’re incredible,” you whispered, a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.

“What if I’m not?” 

You sucked in a breath, suddenly not knowing what to do. Was he saying that hypothetically? No. There wouldn’t be a reason for him to ask if he truly was. 

How were you supposed to respond to that? Being a doctor was his goal - you were sure of it. If he got accepted into Harvard of all places, then his future glimmered as bright as his charm. “What do you mean,” was what you decided to say. Because you needed more from him than that. 

“You said I should be happy. What if I’m not?” 

“This is what you’ve been working towards your whole life!” It didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. Who wasn’t happy that they got accepted to one of the most prestigious medical programs in the world? “You did everything you could, and now you have something to show for it! We even broke up over this. And that’s fine,” you quickly added at the end. You didn’t want Seokjin to feel bad for that at all. 

“What I’m trying to say is,” you continued, wanting to get every logical word out before more irrational ones escaped. “You’ve gotten everything you wanted. You deserve to be happy.” 

You could feel the doors of your heart scraping shut. Even if you wanted to try to be with him again, you would have to give up on that dream. There was no way it was going to work if it didn’t pan out last time. 

Fists clenched, you hated how your heart gravitated towards Seokjin on this damn trip, loathed how your brain produced its own highlight reel. Somehow, they both knew this was the end before you did. 

“I don’t have everything I want, but you’re right. I’ll be happy.” He sounded bitter. Why did he sound so bitter?

“What more could you want,” you blurted, the question materializing between the two of you in bold letters. You were just getting frustrated at this point. 

This was his dream. The ultimate goal. The one thing he wanted out of life.

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“It does to me.”

“Well, it’s none of your concern.”

“I don’t care if it is or not.”

“You really want to know?” Seokjin shot off the bed, immediately towering over your small stature. As your eyes reached his face, you watched as his lips twisted, your shocked features taking in his frustration. “It’s… It’s love, okay? That might sound weird to you, but I’ve realized that all of this is pointless without it. That’s what I’m missing. I want to love again.” He shoved a hand through his hair, his forehead slightly wrinkling under duress. 

The first thing that threw you off was the mere mention of the word. That was so brave of him to even bring it up. With you, of all people: someone he’s dated before. It must have taken so much courage for him to admit that. 

But there was another word in there that stood out amongst all the others.

Again. He said again. Did he love someone before? He couldn’t have been referring to what you guys had. You never once said those words to each other while you dated. So who was he thinking of? And why did it hurt to know that he had loved before and it wasn’t you? 

“I didn’t know you wanted that,” you replied, your voice painfully small. “But I don’t think it’s weird.”

You wanted nothing more than to just confess to him already, but you had no clue what he would say if he didn’t want something with you. The moment escaped like a thief in the night.

“Ah, well, if you knew the whole story,” Seokjin sighed, his breath shaky, “You would definitely think it’s stupid.”

“Why did it end the first time?” You wanted to get to the bottom of it. Maybe through his explanation, you could find something salvageable. You cared about him - so damn much. Seeing him in a state of utter helplessness seized your heart and gripped it tight. “With the one you… you loved. What happened?”

Seokjin’s indiscernible stare pierced through your soul, his silence screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

And you understood his reluctance. The list of activities to do with an ex didn’t include this as an option, either. 

You felt the steely aftertaste of guilt on your tongue. Maybe he wanted you to just leave him alone already. Besides, you already pushed him to tell a multitude of truths that night. Asking him about a past love life was most likely crossing the line. “I’m sorry,” you apologized, uprooting yourself from your spot to leave. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you alone.” 

You made it three steps before Seokjin responded, “She decided to end it.” 

A vice clamped your chest. You stood in your new spot closer to the door, eyes boring into the floor. “Even though you were in love?” 

That must have been awful. If you loved him when you two broke it off, it would have absolutely hurt. Very much like what was happening to you now, in fact. Because fuck, were you absolutely disintegrating like a paper on fire. 

“I don’t think she loved me,” Seokjin disclosed, his words tightening the clasp around your lungs. “But I loved her.” 

“I’m so sorry, Seokjin.” Tears brimmed across your eyes, but you didn’t want him to see you break. You thrummed with so many emotions in that moment, swept by the current of his words, his heavy tribulations.

He loved someone in the past. You loved him in the present. If only you both harbored a love for each other in at least one point in your lives. 

“That must have been hard.”

“It wasn’t, for the most part.” His brittle words crumbled as they appeared. “I saw it coming.”

You chewed on your lip. Seokjin’s confessions were so full of pain - the amount of love he had for this person was obvious. Looking back on your relationship, you remember your split being mutual. It was mutual, right? There weren't any feelings involved. Whichever other situation Seokjin was referring to had to be sometime after you. 

Maybe it was someone during his college days. But wouldn’t you have at least heard about them through the friend circle? Their name must have just left your mind. You knew Seokjin flirted a lot but he needed to be serious to really start a relationship. This one just sounded tragic. 

“I don’t know what to say,” you admitted sincerely, your chest about ready to collapse, “Other than don’t give up. You can do it. Love again.” The joints in your knees threatened to give out. Telling the one you loved that he could find someone again was too much. Too, too much.

“Ah, yeah. Well.” Seokjin turned away from you in a shrug. Even the back of his profile was perfect. “Thanks for being a good, uh, friend.” 

Friend. Could you teleport to your room and stay there? You couldn’t be the one to give him what he wanted, especially since he was about to be gone for a very long time. No matter how much you wanted to. Oh, how you wanted to. 

You swung around to face the door once again. Critical words almost freed themselves from your lips, but you held them back, swallowed them down. “I’ll always be your friend.” 

Head storming, you commended yourself for keeping your voice level. The tears were able to recede - which relieved you, since you wanted to make it through the rest of the conversation with dry eyes. With one tiny head shake, you whispered, “Let’s get some sleep, okay? I don’t want us to ruin the rest of this trip. Like you said before, we have to make it the best one.” 

Seokjin got up and made his way over to you, and you turned around with a fresh face once you knew he was close enough. The smile he wore was manufactured, but you didn’t want to pry. Instead, you repeated your advice as you both approached his door. Because you wanted him to understand. “Seriously. Don’t give up, you hear me?” 

“Don’t give up,” he echoed as he pulled on the handle, like you were just giving him directions. He stilled for a moment in deep concentration before looking your way. Dark eyes bore into yours and you could almost hear them speak, but he gave one final nod and vowed, “Okay.” 

Little striations met you again when you gave Seokjin’s closed room one last look, and you swore they regarded you with pity. Finally breaking, you let your tears fall the whole way back to your floor, wishing to be made into a sturdy tree in your next life so you never had to feel that way again. 

The next morning found all nine friends situated in various places around Seokjin’s room. You thought it amusing that the boys never really settled for normal seats, always choosing a table or windowsill perch instead. As an avid fan of the floor yourself, apparently, you were once again plopped on the ground in front of the sofa. Only this time, you weren’t drowning in the depths of your past.  

“Looks like the snow piled up high last night, so we might not be able to use the cars,” Namjoon observed after his long fingers created a tiny crack in the curtains. His argyle sweater blended in with the burgundy fabric and the sight put a small smile on your face. 

The action surprised you since you spent the whole night swathed in a blanket of regret, your arms caging your ribs in an attempt to stopper your bleeding heart. If only you were so bold as to allow a confession to fall from your lips. Three words to solve two peoples’ problems.  

But the risk involved was too high. The hurt following an unrequited love confession would haunt you through every sunrise and sunset. 

Jungkook’s exasperated voice sliced through your thoughts. “What are we gonna do then?” You glanced at him right as he threw himself onto Seokjin’s bed, bouncing the other two occupants  like buoys amongst waves. 

“What we can do: stay in,” Yoongi responded while repositioning himself against the headboard. 

Taehyung’s sigh mingled with Rin’s tsking noise, Jungkook’s deeper groan almost in harmony with the both of them. Their melancholic concerto almost pulled a laugh out of you, but the next suggestion came from Hoseok, “I brought some board games we could play. Cards, too.” 

Seokjin quickly shot him a look. “You don’t play board games. Or games. Or cards. Actually, what do you do?” 

“I look after all of you.” Hoseok’s head always bobbed when he spoke to accentuate his points. “Hence why I brought board games and cards just in case!” 

You couldn’t refute the man’s claims, either. Hoseok always made sure everyone packed what they needed before trips but brought extra stuff in the event that the group needed something else. Helping was just part of his nature. Yesterday was one example. Rin got the snacks last night, but you were sure he would have woken up at any point in time to be your comfort food delivery man. If being a leader were a sport, Hoseok would be the dark horse that you never saw coming until they finished first. Then you couldn’t deny their talent and skill. 

Taehyung didn’t let the dark horse live, though. “Thanks, hyung. Did you pack a snowblower, too?” 

Rin’s laugh could always be heard amongst your friends, but not because she was a girl. Hers was just so distinct and heartwarming, like a cozy throw or the thought of cookies in the oven. It was only slightly better than Jimin’s. 

Speaking of which: Jimin was eerily quiet throughout the whole meeting, his gaze lingering on you more than once. You noticed it ever since you burst into Seokjin’s room and lauded the man’s scholastic advancement. Which couldn’t be helped. No matter how painful last night’s conversation was, you still wanted him to know how proud you were. After all, a person could be sporting a dagger through their heart but still have love to give.  

You didn’t know why Jimin was acting strange. The big secret was unveiled but you would come to terms with it. Was he afraid of how you would be feeling? Or was he just sympathizing with you because he assumed you weren’t exactly fine? Talking to him later to iron things out was going to be essential. The multiple glances he threw your way proved too much.  

“I have a pamphlet we can look through,” you responded, waving it in the air like a white flag. The decision to bring it just in case proved to be the right one, even if Rin threw a small fit from having to fumble through her bag for the room key again. Warmth from the thick hoodie swallowing both your body and your bent legs validated the first time you went back into your room. 

Rin stuck her tongue out at you but smiled right after in her best Sour Patch Kid impression. Cute. You breathily laughed before unfolding the flimsy paper. Shifting your eyes along the colorful pages, you started listing out the lodge activities. “Okay, so we have… Kayaking: no. Lake yoga: no. Mountain biking: no…” 

Even though the lodge boasted a huge amount of things to do, the majority of them required there to not be four billion inches of snow outside. Only a few remained, and majority rules determined ski slopes the winner. 

The only issue with the slopes was that they only allowed groups of three at a time. To remedy this, groups were formed and a rotation was set based on a heated tournament of rock-paper-scissors. And while Hoseok didn’t play board games, cards, or even video games, he seemed to be a pro at that. 

He picked Seokjin and Yoongi for his group, and they were going out first, to the eldest’s horror. You saw his anxiousness coming from miles out - tackling snow with one board was much more up his alley than tackling it with two. 

Next, Jungkook chose Namjoon and Jimin since he wanted to somehow “win” on the slopes. They gave him much grief for that. 

And that left you with Rin and Taehyung, but they wanted to check out the spa area first, so your group was going to catch up later. 

Which wasn’t ideal for you. You wanted to watch Seokjin ski. Or really, you just wanted to see him as much as possible before the trip ended. Seok in his presence, like he said. Maybe being pruny in this case was a beautiful thing. 

Room Service knocking on the door interrupted your thoughts, and Jimin let them in to serve the breakfast Seokjin ordered for everyone prior. While the dishes were distributed, the group was already firing bets and insults and digs at each other as if a clear winner would emerge outside. And you welcomed every bit of their energy. Chewing on food while basking in everyone’s competitive nature was enough of a distraction from your woes. At least, until you caught Jimin deep in thought again.

The spa was decent, so you three ended up staying for almost an hour. Both the sauna and facial massage served to ease the thick layer of tenseness under your skin. If only you could transport yourself into a cloud of steam every time you thought about Seokjin. Maybe that would’ve helped with the anxiousness and guilt you felt every time you thought about confessing. 

And you were grateful for Taehyung tagging along because he really did offer free hugs often. Even while Rin scanned over the receipt for everything you guys did, the man slung a lean arm around your shoulders. 

His voice glided over your hair when he leaned in to ask, “How did it go last night?” 

You sighed before responding, debating on how to answer him. You decided to take the easy route. “Good. Better than I expected. I just can’t believe it took him that long to tell me! I was so worried this whole time.” 

Taehyung squeezed you gently. “Finally. We kept telling him to just admit it already.” 

Rin was in the middle of paying when you smiled. Her hair gleamed in the incandescents, and you reached out to touch it as you admitted, “It’s just weird that he wanted to hide that from me.” 

“Well, you’re his ex, so he thought it would’ve been awkward.” 

A laugh shot out of you, and Taehyung gave you a look. “Seokjin’s so strange. He knows I’ve been rooting for him this whole time. I mean, Harvard? That’s incredible.” 

Normally, friends would converse about achievements and be sincerely happy about them. But something else happened in that moment that set alarm bells off in your head. Whether it was Rin becoming a block of ice in front of you, or Taehyung slowly peeling his arm off of your shoulders, you suddenly got a feeling that something wasn’t right.  

When Rin spun around to face you, the expression painted on her face reminded you of those Renaissance pieces you saw during one museum date with your ex. Her eyebrows artfully scrunched; her full lips twisted. Was she on the side of the angels, battling demons? Going to war? 

No, she was just trying to clarify something. “He didn’t say anything else?” 

You gulped. “I mean, yeah?”

“What did he say?” Taehyung furrowed his dark brows, his own face a work of art in itself. 

“That his parents are making him move back to Korea when he’s done with his doctorate,” you revealed, suspicious of the both of them and Seokjin now. You kept your tone level to hide any emotions under the surface. “Why, is there more?” 

Once again, you were swept under the wave of confusion. The waters there were dark and cold, and you felt like you couldn’t swim to safety this time. It was as if cotton clogged your ears and a thin film coated your vision. You didn’t even register Taehyung furiously typing on his phone while Rin led you all out of the spa’s reception area. 

“Do you want there to be more,” was all she offered before sitting you down on an earthly toned loveseat. The fluffy rug under your shoes snagged most of your attention. 

“I don’t know how to answer that, but I guess not,” you finally grunted, feeling angrier and angrier from being left in the dark again. Comparable to a disease, this dangerous feeling was taking over you, trickling into your veins drop by black drop. “Honestly, I kinda just want to go back to the room until we meet for dinner. Whatever you guys are hiding is starting to piss me off.” 

“Let’s go,” Rin agreed, urging you to get up and follow her to the room. But you shook her off. 

“I’ll go by myself.” Buzzing with anger, you shuffled through your bag to grip your key. “Just let me be alone for a bit.”

Taehyung looked absolutely livid, but he nodded along with Rin. You didn’t watch the two of them share a knowing glance as you drug your crumpling form to the stairs, hoping pieces of you didn’t crumble off before you reached your temporary bed.  

From the moment your tired bones hit your comforter, time traveled at a strange pace. You didn’t know how long you spent lying prone on the sheets, your head lolled towards the window. Watching the light snowfall outside did nothing to bring you out of your dark space. 

Being left out, confused, and feeling betrayed left you mentally drained. How long were you going to feel like this? Like you were just going to keep being lied to? Maybe you weren’t outwardly lied to, but omitting something was still considered a lie. The truth was still held captive and you couldn’t even pay it a visit. 

Rin and Taehyung reacted strongly to what you said. That had to mean whatever else Seokjin was supposed to say to you was big. You weren’t stupid. At least, that’s what you concluded. 

But what if you were this time? 

You loathed this feeling. You hated being looked at with pity. Even Rin knew what was left unsaid this time, so you were truly alone in the dark. 

A dark monster within you rose to life, and you ripped yourself from the sheets. Snatching your coat from the couch, you jerked your arms inside, striding toward your door with purpose. A ball of fury, you were determined to march up the slopes and confront Seokjin. Everything was getting ridiculous. 

Tugging the door open, you flinched at the figure waiting on the other side. A brief moment of silence and bewilderment and worry washed over you, quelling a small part of your harbored anger. “What happened to you?” 

Seokjin stood in front of you wrapped in his puffy coat, hair in disarray and a small gash on his cheek. His nose was red with the cold and a small cut, and his eyes looked as if he had been holding back tears. Tears? Was he crying? Even now, it seemed like a few were threatening to fall as his gaze lowered. A ghost of a voice wafted from his mouth as he replied, “Jimin.” 

You winced. Remembering the glances the younger man gave you this morning, you should have seen a conflict brewing. Your friend wasn’t lying when he said he’d give Seokjin hell. Something must have broken out when they were on the slopes, or anytime you weren’t there with them. “Shit. I’m sorry.” 

If you didn’t have that revelation with Rin and Taehyung, you would have been absolutely thrown by Seokjin’s appearance and the cause of it. But it seemed that both groups found out what he told you last night and neither were pleased with the result. What that result was, you couldn’t determine yet. But based on your own categories, “I got into Harvard” and “I’m moving back to Korea” fit in the Should Know box. The Deserved to Know box was still accepting applications. 

“Come in.” Your fury had to simmer on a proverbial stove for the time being. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.” 

You hurried him into the room before making a beeline for your duffle. The adrenaline built while you were fired up was still thrumming your bones like guitar strings. Nothing more was said as your bag crinkled with your rummaging, even though you wanted to just wring answers from his neck already. 

But you couldn’t. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts, both the past woes you were fighting and your current worries. 

As Jin awkwardly stood in front of your bed, you kept pondering. What the hell happened out there? How did it end up in a physical altercation? Did Jin fight back? It was already obvious Jimin initiated it, but you wondered if he sported any bruises, too. Not from Seokjin, though. Because you couldn’t ever see him throwing a punch. You were more curious about someone like Yoongi. The elder one was incredibly protective of Jin.

When you found the kit, you spun around to start tending to your ex’s face. “Bed,” you ordered, pointing towards yours with the first aid box. Your tone was harsh, but you weren’t holding it back.

The man was silent as he delicately sat on the comforter, and you instantly noticed how he refused to look at you still. 

No matter. Treating his cuts was a priority, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to force him into confrontation right after. Seokjin wasn’t going to have a choice. 

Perching yourself next to him, you propped one leg up to steady yourself, clicking open the small kit next to you. It wasn’t as fancy as the one he carried along, but it housed the basics. Fetching some antiseptic and cotton first, you told him to turn towards you so that you could start. 

And despite your anger, your exasperation, your frustration, the hands you lifted to Seokjin’s face were nothing but calm. 

Throughout the time you dusted his cuts, you kept your gaze on his cheek, his mouth, his nose. A wall erected around you that you refused to take down. After all of the hurt Seokjin had caused, the turmoil he had put you through, it was pertinent you wouldn’t let him in. You had your soldiers’ arrows at the ready, directed right at his wounded face. 

But if you so much as flitted your gaze toward his eyes, your walls would crumble to dust. Your gates would slam open in surrender. 

Because having him this close to you after all this time was like coming home. And you harbored that feeling ever since the scent of his cologne consumed you. Your face hovered inches from his, your fingers gently pressing his features. All of the nights you yearned to be this close were so lonely and cold, and his warmth was tugging your heart by multiple strings. 

His looming absence was hitting you deeply then. If you gave in only to lose him again, the pain would surely hollow out your soul until you were a mere shell of yourself. You wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and slip down into the soil underneath the lodge. 

Suddenly, a hand cradled your cheek, and you shook on impact. Without thinking, you locked eyes with Jin, and it was then that you realized he was wiping hot tears from your face. 

“If I’m the reason for these,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

Something strangled escaped you, and you finally caved. “You are,” you exhaled, unable to stop the tears from falling. “You really are.”

You tore yourself from the bed, instantly feeling the lingering warmth of his fingers fade. A chasm was created between you two: your chest heaving on one side and his face crumbling on the other. The mountain of thoughts and feelings you created broke down under pressure, emotions roaring down its slopes in a cathartic avalanche. “I’ve been looking like a fool this whole trip, and apparently everyone is feeling so fucking sorry for me. Why can’t you just tell me everything? What did Yoongi mean? What do I deserve to know? You told me you got into Harvard and have the audacity to say you aren’t happy? What the hell is that about? We’re supposed to be friends, so why am I feeling like you’re letting that all go?” You choked on your tears and clasped a hand over your mouth, a burn blossoming in your chest from the dry sobs. 

Seokjin’s eyes ringed with a burgeoning shade of pink, both of his pupils glossed in guilt. “I’m not… I’m not letting that go, but--”

“But what, Seokjin,” you gritted out, “Please stop and just tell me already.” 

“But I was too scared,” he admitted, “I’m still scared.” 

“Why are you scared?” The question drifted to his face, and you could tell he was struggling to answer even that one. It pained you to be this close yet so far from the answer.

“Why are you scared, Seokjin,” you whispered again, realizing that his hands were shaking. 

“Because…” You watched as he clenched them on his thighs, and he struggled to get the words out. “Because it’s going to happen again.” 

Enough with the obscurity. Frustration reached a boiling point. “What’s going to happen again?” 

“Exactly what happened last time!” Seokjin declared as his eyes pleaded with you, eyebrows furrowed and kneeling in anguish. The skin encasing his watery eyes remained that same dusty shade of affliction. 

You couldn’t for the life of you understand what he was saying, until you remembered last night. When you asked him about the time he loved before. 

Wait.

Your hand made a slow descent from your face as you matched Seokjin’s stare. A million words skittered across your eyes, transforming into liquid and sliding down your skin. You were sure you looked an absolute wreck with your tear-stained cheeks and reddened nose, but that didn’t concern you at all. The only thing you could hang onto was Jin’s words, just short of a confession. 

But you had to be sure. You weren’t settling for five words that could mean a thousand other things while arranged the same way. “The one from before,” you more stated than questioned, “Where is she now.” 

Seokjin never broke his gaze, doing an incredible job of keeping tears at the edges of his eyes. Heavy breaths caused his chest to swell with each pass. Voice low, he finally, finally caved, “She’s the one on the polaroid I have in my room.” 

The entire conversation from last night struck you like a freight train. So many realizations hit you at once and you didn’t know how your trembling legs were keeping you upright. 

It was you. He was talking about you. 

Your coat smothered your limbs like a cage, your whole being rattling inside like an animal starved. 

That was what he was truly hiding from you. That was what he had buried deep down into his chest. And you couldn’t blame him one bit after you realized it was exactly what you were holding from him, too. 

No matter the reason, you still kept your own truth hidden. It occurred to you then that you couldn’t be angry - that would just be hypocrisy. There was bravery in confession, and even more so to someone you no longer were allowed to feel that way about. 

You were the one that forced the truth out of Seokjin, and now you only felt like a coward. 

Movement in front of you snapped your vision back into focus. He was getting up to leave. Why was he leaving? 

“I knew this would happen,” he said, his voice strained. “I’ll go. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.” 

Oh. He assumed your silence was from guilt. Guilt that you didn’t feel the same. And he was about to walk out with that egregious misconception. What an absolute fool.

But no matter how hard you tried, the words wouldn’t budge from the back of your teeth. 

You had two choices here. One, you told him. You laid everything out and you admitted that you felt the same. Then tomorrow, he would leave your life and you may not see him again for years. And you tried this before - being in two separate schools and living different lives while holding onto your relationship. It obviously didn’t work last time, and you still saw him from time to time. This situation would be a thousand times harder. 

Which brought you to the second option: you let him go. You let him leave without telling him how you felt. Rip the bandage off right there and then. Leave him to pursue his dream, and with that the freedom to go and find someone else to love. Was that what you wanted? Was this your own sick version of loving him? All the villains in the universe would applaud you as you lied to his face while telling him not to give up. How fucking cruel would that be?

“Seokjin,” you called out, and your chest subtly heaved when he turned to stone by the door. His broad back remained still as you took a step towards him, and only after you roamed your eyes over his shoulders did you notice small movements. But he didn’t face you. It was almost as if he didn’t want to.

Agony consumed your entire being as you made your decision. 

You shut your eyes, clenched your jittering fingers into hard fists. 

“See you at the campfire,” you whispered, your voice unfamiliar even to yourself. 

The only response you got was the soft opening and closing of your door.

Compared to last night’s lion of a snow storm, tonight was but a mere cub. There were small flakes here and there taking their time to descend, and the fixtures from inside the lodge were the only light source beside the fire pit you were approaching downstairs. 

Situated in the center of your friends, the flames danced across their jovial smiles as they passed bottles around. The drinks weren’t the lodge’s, but the ones you all brought and snuck out of the rooms - the telltale green glass was enough of a hint. 

After Seokjin left, it took you a couple minutes to let everything out, and about thirty minutes crying into Rin’s shoulder once she witnessed your crumpled form on the floor. She listened to your recap of the conversation and Jin’s final secret, and through broken sobs you told her you couldn’t tell him yours. When she asked why, you told her your reasoning. When she called you an idiot, you wholeheartedly agreed and cried even harder. 

But you still stuck with your decision. It was for the best. You loved him so much that you wanted what was best for him, and that was to let you go. 

“Promise me one thing,” Rin murmured, earning a nod from you. “Only go through with it if you know you won’t regret it.” 

A sharp pain sliced through you then, but you acquiesced. “I won’t.” 

She then grabbed your Polaroid from the bed. It was Namjoon’s idea to bring it to the campfire once he heard you brought it on the trip. “Are you okay with this?” 

“Yeah,” you gulped, regarding the old piece of the past with heavy eyes. Seokjin confessed to you with the help of that camera. You weren’t okay with the mere idea of touching it. “Yeah, it’s fine. I want everyone to enjoy themselves tonight, so. Yes.” 

Even if that meant you suffered. This was Seokjin’s last trip with everyone, not just you. Why keep them from making good memories just because you were a walking dark cloud?

You reached the bottom of the rickety stairs, the squeaky noises catching the attention of the boys. Most of them raised their bottles to you, but you caught Jin staring at the fire instead. 

If you got through this night in one piece, it would be a miracle.

Namjoon stood as you and Rin settled into your seats. “Okay. Since we’re all here now, I say we start.” 

As everyone gave their cheers, the eldest just looked confused. “Start what?”

“Something for you,” Yoongi explained, his body already comfortable in his Adirondack. “Since you aren’t joining us for these anymore.”

“Ah, yah,” Seokjin protested, “You don’t need to do anything—”

“Don’t lie, you already love this,” Jimin cut in, all smiles despite the companion bruises and cuts on his face to Jin’s. “Although, your opinion may change in a second.”

Jungkook paused his leg bouncing to shout, “Let hyung explain!” 

You smiled as the group settled, but noticed that Jimin was looking at you strangely. You didn’t have time to process it, though, since Namjoon headed things off while a bottle rested against his chest, “Jin-hyung. We just want you to know that we’re proud of you. Even though we may not see you for awhile, you’ll be in our hearts and on our minds. Starting tomorrow, you’re already Dr. Kim to us, so I say we all call you by name tonight.”

Laughter and claps filled the air, drowning out Seokjin’s weak protests. 

Namjoon cleared his throat to calm the air, and you watched small flakes catch in his hair as he continued, “We’ll each do two things: give you advice, and ask for advice. Since you’re clearly educated, we figured you’d have a lot to say.”

“Oh, I’m just lucky.” 

“And keep sharp, everyone. Miss Photographer over there will be taking pictures.” Namjoon nodded at you, and you gave a short smile while holding up the Polaroid. You were fine doing this; behind the lens was your safe space. 

The boys and Rin slowly got through their questions and advice, and you were shocked by how insightful Seokjin was being. You never truly realized the magnitude of his intelligence. Every person around the campfire hung on his every word, and it didn’t help that you all took a swig after every good point he made - many, many times. You diligently fired away on your camera, making sure to get Seokjin with everyone so they could all have a moment captured with him. 

When Jimin’s turn came, he shot you a glance before looking at your ex. “Jin. That sounds weird to say. Jin-hyung.” He looked at the ground before continuing, and you knew it was to compose himself. “My advice to you… Sorry,” he buried his head in his elbow for a brief moment. Yoongi looked away. 

“I kinda gave you advice already,” Jimin trudged on, “And you took it. So, my next piece of advice would be to, uh, keep going.” 

You were rooted to your chair. Seokjin didn’t spare you a single glance during that exchange, but you knew it was about you. It had to be how he ended up at your door earlier. He even said Jimin was the one responsible for his wounds. 

“Thank you, Jimin,” Jin replied. “As for my advice to you, it’s okay to let people figure things out on their own. You don’t have to put it on yourself to be the one that keeps people together. If something ends up breaking, you’re going to think it’s your fault.” 

Jimin regarded him with watery eyes before nodding and wiping his freezing tears. And when he looked your way, he saw you only looking at Seokjin. Your face was slowly cracking, and the shadows in your facade were exacerbated by the flames. 

It was your turn; everyone else went. The Polaroid felt like a boulder on your thighs.

You blinked before setting the camera down and clutching your bottle. Since Seokjin was on the other side of the fire, you had to stand to see him, your tenseness on full display. 

What could you possibly say in that moment that he wanted to hear? That he was willing to listen to? You were certain you took his heart and slammed it into the ground earlier. It would be better if you just didn’t say anything. 

“Seokjin,” you started, pausing to collect yourself. “My advice to you is to forget the advice I gave you before.” 

Several pairs of eyes looked at you then. Even Jin finally regarded you, the most aware of what you were referring to.

“What I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to give up sometimes, because not everything that you want to happen is going to happen. There will be times you will just have to let things go. And that’s okay. Because maybe letting things go would end up for the best.” 

Jimin’s eyes bore into your soul. He sat so still that it put all the statues throughout history to shame. 

Seokjin grabbed his bottle with both hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Interesting advice.” His eyes danced as they took in the warm flames. “I might even follow it.” 

Both of your lungs threatened to give out at his words. Your hands almost dropped the glass you were barely clinging to, but you never looked away from Jin. It was as if your attention was chained to his body, your soul weighed down by his earlier confession and now his possible break. 

If he followed your advice, shouldn’t you be happy? It’s what you wanted in the end, right? You would let him go, and he wouldn’t look back. 

Snow drifted onto everyone’s chairs and the fire crackled in front of you. A small breath left you in a wisp of white. Warmth did its best to help you, but the cold was too strong. No amount of fire in the world could melt your icy conscience - you truly left Seokjin in the dark. He practically admitted that he loved you, and in return you gave him nothing. Of course he would consider your advice.  

“But I like the sound of not giving up. It has a ring to it that exists beyond the sound it makes when someone says it,” he cut himself off, the silence deafening. Inside, bells rang in your head. What was he implying? Seokjin’s voice was as clear as blue skies when he continued, “So, I guess I’m stealing your advice and giving it to everyone here.” 

Your gaze shifted to the side as everyone turned towards Seokjin. This was something you weren’t prepared to digest. Settling back down into your chair, you tried to even out your breathing and neutralize your shaking fingers. 

Your feelings were warring with each other in a confusing battle. If you wanted him to follow your advice, why were you relieved when he said he liked not giving up? Did that mean you hoped he still waited for you? Years and years and years from now? 

“Take it from me: don’t give up,” he advised. “But what I mean by that is to not give up until you’re happy.” 

Guilt squeezed your eyes shut, clamping your lids down. He was going to wait. Love was the one thing he wanted to be happy. And you held your love for him tightly in your hands, behind your back and hidden from sight. 

But even still, in the midst of your silent rejection, this man wasn’t letting go. Without saying the words, Seokjin was going to wait for you. Because he still loved you. 

This was too hard. 

“To being happy,” Jimin boisterously cheered, startling everyone and causing your bones to rattle. His glass remained high in the air, and everyone joined in with their own proclamations. 

“To being happy,” you whispered alongside the others, quickly taking a swig.

Yoongi was the next one to pipe up as he declared, “Okay, now that all that’s done, let’s just drink for fuck’s sake.” 

Amongst the laughter and “thank god”s thrown about, you quickly downed the rest of your drink like it was your lifeline. You needed more than liquid courage to get through the rest of the night. The camera by your feet was snatched up by Jungkook before Taehyung could get to it, and you prayed to every higher power that they kept it in one piece. 

As everyone made their way back to their rooms, you noticed Seokjin joking and laughing with the others like normal. It was a continuation of the rest of the night, since after the advice conversation it was nothing but fun. Your Polaroid almost ran out of film, for one, but watching everyone fight over the photos was entertainment in itself. There were digs toward Jin until he turned red, jabs thrown at Jimin’s fragile emotional state, and Rin’s warm laughter coating everything in a soft glow. 

And it was a bittersweet event. There was nothing more you wanted than to capture that moment and place it in a snowglobe. The world wouldn’t interfere with your friends, and none of you would ever leave. 

Seokjin was about to head up the stairs to tuck in for the night. Full of soju and stupidity, you blurted, “Leaving already?” 

He stilled before turning toward you. “Oh. Yeah.” He regarded you with a look you couldn’t completely decipher. “Long day tomorrow.” 

“Right,” you replied, hating the sudden hollowness you felt. Or didn’t feel. 

“Well… Good night.” Seokjin tapped the banister twice before heading up, and you softly wished him good night before speedwalking to your room. You were only tipsy, so the fast trip didn’t bother you. The camera in your hands kept your center balanced the whole way back.

By some strange miracle, you kept it together the whole time after everyone’s campfire speeches. You imagined yourself as an ice sculpture, surrounded by the guests of honor. Everyone gave you a glance and thought nothing else of you. They could only see composure and poise. Only when they got closer could they see you slowly melting, rivulets of remorse cascading down your entire frame.

Rin was in the middle of her skincare routine when you entered your room. As soon as she heard your footsteps, she made a noise indicating she had something to say. The product around her mouth didn’t let her yet, though. Which meant you had to wait. 

You stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, vision spinning just a smidge. This was probably a talk you didn’t want to have, but you gave your friend her podium. It was only fair. Her serious talks were few and far between. 

But she didn’t have much to say when she finished getting ready for bed. In fact, she only said three sentences. 

“It’s 11 o’clock,” she stated plainly, her tone indicating she was done with the calmer approach. Bluntness was more her style. 

“Okay?” 

“We leave at 7 in the morning.” 

“And?” 

“It means you have eight hours to decide how you’re going to feel for the next ten years.” 

Silence. 

All you could respond with was silence. 

Dead air. Sober. You were sober now. In that moment, you may have held your breath for a century. Too many thoughts flooded your brain, from past memories at a carnival to future images of an empty apartment with a bed fit for one. 

It was stark. Blank. There wasn’t going to be a future with Seokjin, no matter what you said. 

But when Rin put it that way, would you feel better if he knew the truth? Or would you keep this idiotic stance and lock your feelings away forever? 

For the third time that night, your fingers rattled. Rin took them into her comforting palms. 

“Go,” she murmured, and she smiled as she witnessed you burst into the hall. 

Your strides were incredibly long as you hurried down the corridor. The doors blurred on either side of your vision, the pattern of the floor elongated with your fast pace. Your camera thudded into your chest over and over. Step after step after step got faster and faster as your anxiousness bubbled into your brain. The last turn before the stairs made you skid, and you rushed up the rickety steps. Your heart was thrumming, scratching at your chest to set it free. 

When you got to his door, you were certain you woke sleeping neighbors with your rapid knocking. But you couldn’t stop yourself. Nothing could possibly stop you now.

You had no plan. There wasn’t time to think. All you wanted was to see him. All you could think about was letting everything out. Eight hours. You had eight hours.

Seokjin tugged the door open, pausing mid-swing when he saw your face. He looked so beautiful. Full of warmth. Like home.

“Jinnie.” 

You didn’t mean to call him that, but you didn’t take it back. You weren’t taking anything back anymore. His eyes roamed over your features multiple times, searching for any indication that this was a dream. But it wasn’t. The words finally slipped from your lips. 

“I’m not following your advice. Or my own.” 

His eyebrows furrowed, but you pushed on. 

“I’m giving up. But I’m giving up because I can’t let you go.” When Seokjin stared at you, it was impossible to look away. 

His response came out in a rush, “What are you… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I love you.” You huffed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Damn it, I— I just love you. I love you so much it hurts.” 

A shaky exhale left you at the look on his face. The quick descent into realization formed in the corners of his eyes, tears pooled at the edges before quickly streaming down his cheeks, collecting at the crux of his chin. Glassy orbs bore straight into your soul in search of answers, of truth. And if he wanted those answers, you already admitted the biggest one, so words were easier to come by.

“I’ve felt this way ever since our trip last year,” you started, slowly inching toward the wreck of a man. Not like you fared any better with the streaks forming on your own cheeks. “And I know it’s the stupidest thing to tell you now since you’re leaving, and we failed at long distance before, but--” 

Seokjin breathed out your name, and his next words would stay imprinted in your mind forever. “I still want to try. And I’ll try as many times as you’ll let me.” 

“I know. I know that now,” you whispered. 

Passion and warmth bloomed in your chest, spiraling out into the far reaches of your limbs. Hundreds of nights imagining him accepting you again didn’t prepare you for this feeling. Nothing was holding you back; your walls came crashing down. 

You finally broke and shielded your face in your hands, and you felt sturdy arms shield you from the world. The cruel, beautiful world that brought you two together right before he disappeared from your life again. You cried, and sobbed, and wheezed. The elation from his confession only magnified the pain of his departure. 

You felt the weight of the Polaroid leave your chest as Seokjin lifted it from your neck. “Come inside,” Seokjin whispered into your hair, earning a hiccup from your chest. “Please.” 

It was only then that you noticed you were still out in the hall. A small nod from you was all he needed to guide you into his room, and your throat constricted at the bags lying open on the bed. 

Seokjin was already packing. Packing while thinking he was going to go through the same thing he went through last time. You felt absolutely sick. How could you even think of doing this to him? If there was a way to make it all up to him, you would do it. “I didn’t want to tell you before,” you confessed, burying your nose into his chest. “But that was wrong of me. You almost left without knowing. I’m so sorry.” 

Strong, lean fingers traveled through your hair as your camera was placed on a table. The heavy clunk it made reached your ears, and a whisper followed. “I didn’t want to tell you, either. You don’t need to apologize.” 

“If I told you earlier, we would’ve had more time. Now I’m just sad.”  

“Look at me.” Jin caressed the back of your head, naturally lifting your gaze. His watery eyes took yours in, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of your hair. “We still have tonight, so if we’re going to be sad, let’s wait until after.” 

“But you’re crying, too,” you observed, feeling slightly better from his words. How Seokjin was able to have that effect on you, you would never understand. 

A light huff from him made you melt. “That’s because I’m so happy,” he confessed, softly laughing again and wiping his eyes with both hands. 

He was happy. Seokjin was happy. You looked at the growing smile under his fingers, and you had no choice but to grin and join in his laughter. 

Not because it was funny. But because it was unbelievable. You were able to gift him the last piece he was missing - he was finally able to find that happiness. How were you about to deny that from him? Now it seemed unfathomable.

When you looked at his hands again, you noticed there were lingering cuts. Worry washing over you, you cradled one in your palms and asked as Seokjin looked at you, “Should I take care of this, too?” Though the man had more than enough knowledge on playground injury care, you still offered because you wanted to be there for him in any possible way.

He replied instantly, “I took care of everything. Jimin, too. You saw him being his usual self earlier.” 

“He said he’d give you hell if you didn’t talk to me on this trip. I didn’t think he would go this far, though.” You reached up to run a thumb along the small gash on Seokjin’s cheek, the blood drying into a deep red. “I’ll make him regret it later.” 

Jin leaned into your touch, causing sparks in your skin. “Don’t,” he whispered, “He’s the reason I ended up at your door.” 

You just nodded and lost yourself in the feel of his soft face. It was incredibly smooth under your fingers, even better than when you held his cheeks all those years ago. To think that this man loved you ever since then, and continued to do so until now, was unbelievable. But it was true, and no amount of words could account for how you felt about that. 

Those eyes overflowing with adoration and affection were solely for you, and diving into them felt like being immersed in sunlit waters. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

The simple question took you by surprise, but you gazed at his lips. They only looked inviting, so who were you to deny him? “Please,” you sighed, and your eyelids closed shut at his pillowy touch. 

Color sprang from your heart at his confession, but heat burst from your chest at his kiss. The moment his lips met yours, every worry wrapped around your conscience snapped in two. Vines of doubt, regret, and anxiety withered under the warmth of Seokjin’s touch. It was cleansing. Powerful. Searing. 

A hand captured the back of your neck, and Jin took advantage of your gasp by dragging his tongue around the edge of your lips, a wordless plea to let him in. You gave in immediately, leaning forward and deepening the kiss, roping his tongue and eliciting a groan. 

Heat rushed between your legs and you echoed his sound with a soft moan of your own. Unwittingly, your hands found their way to Seokjin’s chest and you reveled in the feel of him under the thin material of his shirt. Without breaking your lips from his, you skirted the cotton hem with your fingers.  

Jin knew what you wanted, and his grin against your mouth only made you flush with desire. He broke from your lips to fully remove his shirt, and seeing his bare chest wiped the air from your lungs. You could only stare as you took in the lines of his solid build, wondering how the hell he had the time to achieve that look. 

Seokjin smirked at your reaction, tossing his top and hauling the bags off his bed while you were taking time to process everything. “Do I need to charge you?” 

You shook your empty head like a zombie. Your brain was currently mush, purely focused on the way his muscles rippled and slid against the confines of his skin. “No, don’t. I didn’t bring any money with me.” 

Laughter erupted from the other side of the bed. After Seokjin placed the last bag on the floor, he straightened and clarified, “I meant plug you in. You seem to be buffering over there. Low battery?”

“Shut up and get on the bed,” you teased, shrugging off the coat you still had on. You didn’t even get to change since coming in from the campfire. 

“Shut up and get on the bed, yes,” Seokjin fired back mercilessly as he sat on the comforter. He knew exactly how to push you. Even though you laughed, you made you way over to him and stood between his legs. 

You were silent then. No matter how happy you were, his departure tomorrow was weighing on you. The time you had with him was short. 

You wanted to make the most of it. Bringing your hand up to his face, you made sure to lightly skim over his gashes before mapping the rest. You wanted to ingrain every curve, every dip, every feature into memory. Every second was precious. The polaroid you had of him would still be no match for the real thing. If only you could capture the warmth of someone and keep it frozen in time.

Sure fingers clasped your hand, and Seokjin softly pulled you closer. Your first instinct was to rush in and hug him for dear life, and he immediately did the same to you, snatching the breath from your lungs and tugging tears from your ducts. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and lamenting all the time you spent worrying over the smallest things. 

“We don’t have a lot of time,” Seokjin whispered, squeezing your heart. 

“I know,” you choked. You didn’t have much else to say.

“I just want to make sure we use it to do what you want.” 

You loosened your hold on him, astonished by his consideration. The growing bulge under his pants was more than screaming his wants. You felt it ever since the first kiss. But even still, he wanted to accommodate you. Your needs before his. 

It just made you fall for him even more. 

Reaching down to skim your fingers along his cock straining against his pants, you hovered your lips over his neck. “I want you,” you whispered before descending upon the smooth expanse of skin and earning a groan. 

Without warning, Seokjin tightened his arms around you. In one smooth motion, he effortlessly lifted you to straddle his thighs. You didn’t have time to think as he followed up with grabbing your head, pulling you down for another heated kiss. Your fingers latched onto his shoulders, scraping them when he thrust his tongue into your mouth. 

“Don’t do that yet,” he grunted, and you didn’t need to ask why after feeling a twitch in his jeans. 

You obeyed for the time being, cupping his neck with both hands. When you rolled your body against his, the hard feel of his stomach made you whimper. It was when you settled back on his hardness that your eyes widened. You were sure he was aching despite his silence. Maybe you could help him out a bit. “Jinnie,” you whispered, a firm hand on his chest, “Lie back for me.” 

“I love hearing that again,” Seokjin admitted through a content smile, starting a fire across your cheeks. He leaned back after giving you another peck, and you plucked yourself from his thighs to take your shoes off. 

But time was your biggest motivator to strip most of your clothes at that moment - not just your boots. Your pants were first, followed by your sweater, and finally your shirt. The whole time, Seokjin stayed propped on his elbows, watching you intently. He couldn’t hide the adoration in his eyes even if he tried. As he watched you stand there in nothing but your set, he smiled. “You’re beautiful.” 

“Thank you,” you whispered in return. “Still not as great as you, though.” You started unbuttoning his jeans before he could defend his stance, and he lifted his lower body to help you shrug them off with his underwear. When Seokjin’s thick cock sprung free, your heart jumped at the sight. It had been so long since you felt it, tasted it, rode it. Was he thinking the same? Taking his velvety length in your hand for the first time in a long time, you felt a burst of confidence at its familiarity and his response.

“Baby,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please.” 

You didn’t need another word. At the sound of the familiar pet name, you already started hovering over his cock, admiring how pretty it was before diving in. Licking around the head, you used the slick to glide your mouth far down his shaft, rolling your hand along the bottom to coat the rest. 

Seokjin jolted at the sudden pleasure, and you felt a pang in your heart. You wanted him to remember this night. And you were much more experienced than you were before, though you would only get so much time to prove your growth. 

Coming up for air, you used your hand to gather the rest of your spit and slide it down his cock, rubbing it a few times before diving down again. The stilted, garbled noises coming from your filled mouth were even getting your own underwear soaked, but they weren’t a match for Seokjin’s. His delicious grunts and moans sent you close to the edge. They were deeper than you remembered, and he wasn’t one to shy away from showing you how turned on and pleasured he was feeling.

The prominent veins of his cock were the roads along which your tongue traveled, and you made sure to love them all in between stuffing him fully in your warm mouth. He was so big, but you wanted to take every inch, tears welling in your eyes with your efforts. 

You fought through even when you felt him rock the back of your throat. Seokjin took that moment to sit up, causing tears to leak fully down your cheeks at the deeper thrust. His hands dove into your hair, but he didn’t force your head down. Instead, they tugged you off his cock, and he gazed down lovingly at your wrecked expression. Jin’s voice dipped an octave and came out coated in sin as he asked, “Can you go a little more for me, beautiful?” 

Your body tingled on instinct. You nodded and, when he smiled, you gripped his drenched dick in your fingers before descending your mouth onto his balls. Seokjin bucked his hips forward in a jolt as you grinned, lapping at his salty skin and delighting in the tremulous groans rolling down your back. Your hand squeezed the tip of his shaft before you straightened again, taking his cock captive without pause.

“Shit,” he grunted, his long fingers diving into your hair. His hands still didn’t push you down further, oddly, so you took the initiative and plunged down yourself. 

The feel of his cock in your mouth was so familiar. It was almost second nature how easily you sucked him off, knowing when to hollow your cheeks and pull him further down the abyss of ecstasy. When to sink further and hum, ripping a delicious sound from his throat. Even when to bob and swirl your head around, effectively shutting down his ability to function. 

It was then that you chose to really bring it home. You breathed through your nose as you took more and more of him in, even after you couldn’t breathe anymore. You felt your nose hit this pubic bone, and the long moan you got from Seokjin was worth the burn in your throat. His fingers tightened around your head, but when you came up gasping for air he didn’t stop you. 

“Come here,” is all he said, tugging you up to straddle him again. A trail of saliva swung from your lips as you came up, but you paid it no mind. If anything, it added to the building lust inside your bones. Your panties were absolutely drenched by now, so dragging your core along Seokjin’s cock caused both of you to twinge. “Fuck,” he gasped, fueling your heat. 

“Jinnie, please,” you whimpered, your voice hoarse. You wanted everything from him at once. You were getting impatient, and the overwhelming time pressure was stressing you the hell out. “I need you, please.” 

Suddenly, everything stopped as Seokjin cradled your chin and swiped the spit from your lips. “You have me,” he assured you. “You have all of me.” He kissed your nose. “And you’ll have me for a very long time.” 

Relenting, you leaned into his touch. “Now is what I’m concerned about.” 

“I know,” he agreed before kissing you again. “I just wanted you to know the rest.” 

“Okay,” you whispered before capturing his full lips with your own. When you felt him wrapping his arms around you, your heart leaped into your throat. When you felt him shift the both of you to lower you onto the bed, you already knew fresh tears were waiting behind your eyes. 

With great care, Jin slipped your underwear off your smooth legs. Your bra was deftly unhooked next - not without an eyebrow raise from you and a wink from him - and tossed from the bed. 

Staring at your naked form, Seokjin appeared completely lost in thought. It got to the point where you felt like covering yourself, but when you attempted to he swiftly denied any insecurity. “Don’t keep this from me,” he whispered. “I want to remember everything.” 

You kept it together until then. Something in you broke and you softly choked on a cry. So he was thinking the same as you. This was the last night for a long time. 

Starting from your shoulder, he kissed his way down along your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Taking one breast in one hand, he swirled his tongue around the nipple of the other. You gasped from the sudden burst of pleasure, which made Seokjin repeat the motion on the other side. He then lightly sucked on the nipple, releasing it with a small pop. 

You wanted to close your eyes and lose yourself in the waves of pleasure he was giving you, making his way down your body. But you wanted to relive this night again and again. So you had to keep your eyes on him. Only him. His mouth’s searing heat as it kissed along your stomach, and the stark cold left behind when he moved on. His soft touch as he gently pried your legs open, and dark, lust-filled eyes as he stared at your dripping entrance. You wanted to remember the way he kissed along your legs, nipping in some places to make you gasp. The way his beautiful lips connected with your heat in a reverent kiss before his tongue explored inside. Each flick of his tongue, squeeze of his fingers on your legs, noise from his lips. How you loved him through every second of him worshipping you. 

As soon as he brought his fingers up to caress your folds while sucking on your clit, you had to stop him. It was too much. You wanted to feel him when you broke. 

Seokjin wordlessly obeyed as he crawled above you. You pulled him down for a kiss, not caring how he tasted. Your hands then went to his shoulders as he positioned himself at your entrance. 

“Are you still…” 

“Yes,” you nodded, touched that he remembered. “I’m still on it.” 

“Okay.” He swooped down to capture your lips, and when you clenched your fingers around his shoulders, he grunted. “Are you okay to take it all?” 

“Go slow. For now,” you said, earning a nod. “It’s been awhile.”

Seokjin’s gaze was heavy as he prepared himself. “Same.” 

At the initial push, you whooshed out a gasp. It had been way too long since you’d been with someone. The intrusion indeed hurt. Maybe you should have let him prep you more, in hindsight. But Seokjin was nothing but tender as he waited for you to adjust. Once you were okay, he steadily pushed out and in again, going deeper. Slowly but surely, you were able to fully take him in. 

And the feel of him completely inside you was nothing like you’ve felt before. It was comfort. It was home. It was a perfect fit, and you wanted to stay like that forever. 

“God,” Seokjin groaned, “I don’t want to leave this room.” 

You chuckled, rolling your hips. “Hmm, pussy or Harvard. That’s a pretty tough one.” 

“If it’s yours, Harvard can wait,” Seokjin grunted before sending your thoughts spiraling with a huge thrust. You outright whined at him, but he pulled out only to spear you again with one long motion. “You still like it rough, baby?” 

Chills cascaded down your spine and pooled at the apex of your toes. This was the Seokjin you were waiting for. You wondered if he was still into that after witnessing everything he was doing for you beforehand. But oh, were you ready for the pivot. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned. “You know I do.” 

“You still have your word?” 

“Carousel, yes.” 

“Good girl.” That was all Seokjin needed. Grabbing the top of the headboard behind you, he launched into a rough and relentless pace that had you seeing stars. You felt so full, yet so weightless as you let your body go limp. The feel of Seokjin’s cock slamming into you repeatedly would continue to exist for months after tonight, the ridges of it sliding along your walls never forgotten entirely. You needed as much as he could give, and he knew that. 

Gripping one of your legs, he hauled it over his sweat-slicked shoulder and tilted himself to reach a deeper position, twisting his reddened face to plant kisses on your ankle. Mewl after mewl tumbled from your lips at the deep thrusts. 

“Touch yourself for me, baby,” Jin commanded while still pounding into you, and you wouldn’t dream of disobeying. Your fingers went straight for your jiggling breasts, teasing your nipples and tugging them for his blown out eyes. You moaned, and smirked when you saw Seokjin beginning to lose himself. 

His tell was his scrunched eyebrows, and his eyes shifting down to watch his cock ram into your tight cunt. You still knew, after years. 

You fell into complete ecstasy when he reached down with his free hand to rub your clit between your bodies, loving the way the veins in his arms protruded. Imagining licking along them all made you moan. And you didn’t care if the people around you heard. All of your mewls, moans, whines - they were all for Jin. He could have all of you again and again.  

After one particularly deep thrust, he tugged his cock out, leaving your walls fluttering around an agonizing emptiness. “Turn around. On your knees.” 

“Holy fuck, yes,” you rasped. He wasn’t letting the night go to waste at all. 

Before you even assumed the next position, you felt a hand come down on your ass. The smack jolted you forward in pain, with pleasure settling in its wake. 

“So pretty,” Seokjin whispered, ghosting his hand over the spot he spanked. He gave it another smack before gripping your ass cheeks apart. You assumed he was roving his eyes over your drenched core. “And still so wet.” 

“Just for you,” you affirmed. 

“Just for me,” he repeated before adjusting his knees on the bed to get closer. “But you might be too loud tonight, baby. I’m going to need silence from you this time.” 

Shit. You were never, ever good at this part. But you nodded. What you weren’t expecting right away was the initial stroke to be rough, right down to the hilt. You cried out immediately, earning you a harsh spank. 

Seokjin’s sudden laugh made you chuckle in embarrassment. He breathily joked, “Out of practice?” 

“Something like that,” you admitted, your elbows and grin lost in the sheets. “I’m rusty.” 

“Okay, let’s just do this then.” Jin leaned forward, stretching over you. You groaned at the feel of his solid chest on your soft back, your eyes rolling into your head feeling him completely mold into you for a moment. He got a fluffy pillow from the other side of the bed and let your head rest on it. “Can you bite this for me, my love?” 

The new name spread wildfire across your face. “Yes. That I can do,” you assured him. When you had the material securely in your mouth, you nodded to signal he could continue. 

“Good girl.” And continue Seokjin did. He went right back into the dominant Jin he loved being, and the one you loved being with. There was no mercy in his thrusts, stroke after stroke after stroke. If you lifted your back a little or lowered your butt, he smacked your supple flesh and corrected you instantly. “Ass up, baby.” 

With Jin’s relentless pace, your body went limp and hung on by a thread. Loosening up allowed for even more of his cock, and your muffled moans started getting louder the closer and closer you got to the edge. You could feel your core tightening, threatening to unleash the pent up tension. 

“That’s it, beautiful,” Seokjin praised, feeling your walls squeeze around him. “Do you want to come like this?”

You hastily shook your head. You wanted to see him when you came. And if you remembered correctly, he loved seeing your face when it happened, as well.

“Too bad,” he chuckled darkly, and you almost came undone right then. “Guess you’ll have to come again the way you want to later.” Reaching under you, he toyed with your clit as he kept the pace from behind. 

You let go of the pillowcase as you kicked your head back in a moan, your saliva trail slowly gravitating toward the sheets. Seokjin only let you breathe for a second before pushing your head back down into the thin material. “Make noise again and you won’t come at all.”

Fuck. You bit hard into the pillow, tears forming at the corners of your eyes as you felt yourself losing control. His fingers felt divine on your bundle of nerves, his dick sliding through your folds over and over and over. The hand he placed on your head smoothed over your hair before bunching it and tugging. You reared back, dots swimming in your vision. “God, I want to choke you. Can I do that, my love?” 

You released the pillow from your mouth again. His consideration was top notch tonight. Too much? You couldn’t decide or really care. “Yes, just do it. Do anything. Please. I’m so close.” 

“Mm. Then cover your mouth.” Before you could follow his command, Seokjin pulled you up by a shoulder to be flush against his front. Sweat coated your back and your ass, causing you to slide down his chiseled stomach while speared on his cock. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, and the fingers that were teasing your clit mercilessly now ventured into the front of your folds. 

One of your hands shot up to clamp over your mouth right before you let out a long groan. You loved when he took control, and when he lost control. If both happened at the same time, it was heaven. 

You could barely last on your knees as his dick slammed up into you repeatedly. The hand around your airway was tight but only just, his praises in your ear being the real culprit of your stolen breath. Your pussy clenched harshly around his length, and you knew from the tight coil in your body that you were seconds from euphoria. 

Seokjin felt it instantly. “Come, baby.” And as soon as he relinquished your throat did you give in, waves of pleasure coursing through you and a white burn shimmering in your lungs. It seemed endless. Ripple after ripple thrummed through your body, your joints slowly unlocking from their initial freeze. Behind you, Seokjin groaned and sang sweet nothings in your ear, his arms wrapping around your chest in a scorching embrace. 

The high ebbed, but did not completely recede. You knew Jin still needed release, so you kissed his wrist next to your shoulder and whispered, “I want to see you now.”

“Whatever you need.” Seokjin slowly unsheathed himself, and you felt a slight pain. You watched as he positioned his back on the headboard. He knew what you wanted to do. 

You made your way over to him and hovered over his length. Locking your hazy eyes with his dark set, you kissed him lazily as you languidly sank back onto him. Seokjin groaned when you didn’t use your hand as a guide beforehand. And frankly, that turned you on, too.

“You’re so tight still,” he grunted, his hands coming up and grabbing your ass before settling on your hips. 

You rolled your hips before finding a rhythm. “You’re just big,” you mock complained, earning a deep chuckle. 

“Aww. You sound. So. Sad,” he teased, thrusting up into you to punctuate each word. Your mewls were welcome now since he was done with his role. Now he could just sit back and enjoy your show for him. And occasionally torture you. 

You found your rhythm again, rougher with him now with your hands in his dark, sweaty locks. One of your hands dropped onto his chest and raked down his breast, eliciting a higher moan than normal. 

The sound caused heat to pool between your legs again, and you upped the pace. Your thighs burned from the exertion, but you kept yourself distracted by diving into Jin’s neck and nipping in multiple places. His arms left your hips to wrap around your back, and your breath faltered as he took over again. 

Seokjin was close. He was always close when his limbs locked hard into place. His upward thrusts were fast and hard, and you could only moan in his ear and take him in. The coil that released once tonight was tightening again, and you murmured in his ear that you were close. 

Seokjin only needed to kiss you like his life depended on it for you to unravel again. The wave was weaker than last time, but it could still cover mountains. Your head felt light, dancing above the clouds with no intention of coming down. You pushed yourself from his lips, allowing him to see your flushed chest and reddened cheeks. The second orgasm faded and loosened your limbs, but your heart felt completely connected to his, your soul nestled into the comfort of his tender embrace. “I love you,” you sighed, and you immediately felt a huge twitch between your folds.

“Lie down, baby. I’m close.” 

“It’s okay,” you whispered, cradling his cheek. “Come inside me, Jinnie. I wanna feel you.” 

“Shit,” he grunted. His thrusts descended into madness. Your heart rattled at the sight of his dusted red cheeks, sweaty neck, heaving chest. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, and the one you would overturn stars to find should you ever lose him again. 

When he gazed down at your joined sex, you took in the wet strands of hair on his forehead. When he kicked his head back against the headboard to look at you with lidded eyes, you bit your swollen lips. This wonderful man was your lover, your ex, your friend, and now your lover again. Only this time, you truly loved him back. And you wanted to think back to this moment forever. 

Tears sprung into your eyes as he pulled you in for a searing kiss, and his orgasm released into you in spurts. The thrusts he made then were slow and powerful, and your body bobbed with the swells. You kissed him harder than necessary, almost willing to bruise your own lips on his. The longer you held his lips captive, the longer he couldn’t see your sorrow. 

But Seokjin already felt the drops ping his chest. He just let you cry because that’s what you needed. Even when he broke from the kiss, he never said a word. He trailed kisses along your wet cheeks, your sweaty nose, and your glistening forehead. His poignant visage held nothing but stars, and it reminded you of the night you fell in love, crushing your spirit ever more. 

Touch after touch after touch only coaxed more tears from your eyes. It felt never ending as you sat spent in his lap, still on his softening length. Sheer willpower was what caused you to finally speak, your voice hoarse, “We should clean up. You still need to pack and sleep.”

“We should, and I do,” he whispered. He patted your bum. “Can you get up by yourself?” 

You nodded before extracting yourself from his firm thighs, lamenting the fact that human bodies had limits. As you waddled to the bathroom, you stumbled along the way, Seokjin softly chuckled while following you and steadying you when needed. Even when you shot empty glares at him, the smile in his eyes never left. 

The rest of your time spent in his room consisted of silence and kisses. Ever the gentleman, he let you lie down on his bed while he used the other half for the bags to pack. It didn’t take him too long since he was organized from the jump, so when he was done he cleared the bed and joined you under the covers. When you felt a weight on your stomach, you looked down to see your camera dumped on the comforter. 

Seokjin wrapped a strong arm behind your neck. “What do you call naked pictures taken with a Polaroid?” 

“Oh, no.” You turned your head to face him. “What?” 

“Just pictures. But that’s old nudes.” 

You punished him by attacking his sides instantly, yanking a batch of honky laughs from him. Knowing your own weaknesses still, he unleashed his own parry, and it took a minute for the both of you to settle in a draw. 

“Don’t tell me the only reason you brought this into the bed was to tell that horrid joke,” you chuckled, your head back to resting in your pillow. 

“Nope. I wanna take one of us.” 

After getting past all seven of your objections and excuses, Seokjin whittled your walls down and got you to agree. The end product existed on the last film in your Polaroid: a crooked snapshot of him kissing your cheek as you smiled with creased eyes, sheets held against your chest. And he conceded in letting you keep it after watching you clutch it lovingly in your fingers. 

You immediately sought comfort in his embrace after setting the photo next to your phone on the nightstand, and he stole multiple kisses from you way after your eyes couldn’t stay open any longer. 

“Get some sleep, my love,” Seokjin whispered. 

And despite your sound of protest, you were pulled into the abyss of sleep right as you felt pillowy lips caress your forehead.

Rin-Rin [6:40am]: You’re lucky I love you. I packed your stuff and left out an outfit for you when you come down. Just don’t be late or I’ll drag you back down myself :)))

Jiminie [6:45am]: RISE N SHINE LOVEBIRDS

Rin-Rin [6:46am]: Oh, yeah, I may or may not have texted Jimin. 

Jiminie [6:46am]: ABOUT TIME

Jiminie [6:46am]: !!!

Tae [6:47am]: jimins scream woke me up. i can only assume that means ill get to be an uncle soon. dont let me down i want this(: 

Joonie [6:48am]: Aaaaaaaaaa !!!

Jiminie [6:48am]: And I know you want to yell at me for yesterday so I am ready for that whenever you are

Kook [6:50am]: <3 

You smiled at your texts before locking your phone. Seokjin was already up and about, making sure everything was packed and accounted for. When he saw you stirring, he came over and surprised you with a kiss so deep that it revitalized your sagging emotional state. “Morning,” you chuckled, swinging your sore legs out of the sheets and wincing at the cold. “I need to head back down.”

“Yeah, Rin already sent the first round of threats. I’ll see you at the car, okay?” 

You pecked him on the cheek after you slipped on your boots and grabbed your Polaroid.  Stepping into the hallway, you kept reminding yourself to not completely lose it yet. There was still a whole car ride you got to have with him, and you were determined to slow down time however you could. 

Your phone buzzed again, and you assumed Yoongi and Hoseok were just now waking up and getting the gossip. Checking your notifications only validated your guess.

Hobi [6:52am]: AHHHHH HAPPY FOR U~!!!

Hobi [6:52am]: ASLSKDJSKDHSKDJ

Yoongi [6:53am]: I’ll make sure to drag him back sometimes. It’s ludicrous to say that we’d never see him again. Drama queen. Anyways, happy for you. If you need anything, let me know. 

Hobi [6:53am]: we’ll see seokjinnie again love. and if u miss him a lot then we can make sure you see him. im sure he’ll be missing u too

How you were able to win the friend lottery and meet these people, you had no clue. But you weren’t going to ever question the fact. All you would do was embrace your blessings and love them. 

The car ride to the airport was long, but still much too short for your liking. Between the loving gazes you directed at Seokjin as he sang along to Taehyung’s music, the looks full of mirth Jimin gave the both of you from the backseat, and the laughter of both Rin and Taehyung, you were the happiest you’ve felt in a very long time. 

Throughout the ride, you got the feeling that you were going to be okay. Seokjin was starting an insane adventure, but you were also going to be there every step of the way. Not just on the polaroid he decided to stash in his bag, but in his heart and on his mind like Namjoon said around the fire. 

There were still plenty of ways to see each other and communicate. And since he technically didn’t start until next summer, that gave you plenty of time to see him before then. The many possibilities made you question your hesitation in the first place. 

But none of that diminished how much of a struggle it was still going to be. 

When the car rolled to a stop in the airport parking lot, your chest constricted. When everyone got their bags out of the cars and started the trek to the shuttles, your hands shook on your straps. As soon as everyone started saying their byes and separating to check into their airlines, you found it hard to breathe. 

But a tender hand brushed through your hair, and plush lips connected with your forehead. In an instant, you felt okay again. 

Seokjin’s calm voice slipped over your features. “Your flight leaves in two hours, right?” When you nodded, he continued, “Okay. Come shop with me before I have to go to my gate!” 

You tried your best to keep a positive attitude while you watched Jin peruse different airport stores. When he would hold stuff up for you to approve, you would smile or dramatically turn things down. Even the cute neck pillow he really wanted got the dreaded rejection. 

But that was only so you could pay for it when he wasn’t looking and surprise him. The huge laugh and grin you got in return was worth the trouble. 

When it was time for Seokjin to head to his gate, you brought him in for a crushing hug. “Let me know when you land,” you demanded. 

“Of course, honey,” he said through a smile. 

“‘Honey,’ now?” You regarded him with a raised eyebrow. “You have so many nicknames for me. I can’t keep up. Do you have a favorite you could stick with?” 

Seokjin rested his chin on your head. “Ah, I have a favorite. But it’s not true yet, so I shouldn’t use it.” 

A fire ignited in your heart, the flames warming you from the inside. “And which one is that?” 

“Would you look at the time!” Jin’s body heat left you in a rush as he stepped away, and your instinctual pout made him laugh outright. He cupped your chin for a kiss that rocked your whole being before pulling away. His eyes held galaxies in them when he stared into yours. “Guess you’ll have to wait for the answer to that one.” 

“You’re a jerk, Jinnie,” you huffed, but you kissed him again. “You’re lucky I love you.” 

“I really am. And I love you,” he responded. His hand came down to squeeze yours before he had to part. “I’ll let you know when I make it. Call me when you get home, okay?” 

“Okay,” you replied, and you watched his long strides with a heavy heart and a hopeful mind. 

As you told yourself again and again, you were going to be okay. It was going to be tough, it was going to be absolutely painful. But as long as you decided to keep loving each other, everything would work out. 

You knew better than anyone that love was a choice. And for Seokjin, you would choose it a thousand times over. 

And besides, the current state of technology was on your side. The possibilities of communication were too endless for you to dwell on the distance. Were there going to be days in which you only received one text? Most likely. Were there going to be weeks where you weren’t going to hear much from Seokjin at all? Definitely. But this time, unlike last time, you welcomed every bit of it. Your heart built a bridge to his that defied any sense of physical distance. On opposite sides, both of you were achieving success in your own ways. In the end, you would always come back to each other to celebrate together. Even though this was the last November trip you had with Seokjin, it was the beginning of many, many wonderful years to come.

It was later, while you were waiting for your own flight to finish boarding, that a message was sent to your phone. 

Jinnie [12:04pm]: Attachment: 1 Image

You couldn’t help but grin. As you gazed lovingly at the picture of Seokjin smiling next to your polaroid, another one came in before you could respond.

Jinnie [12:05pm]: Until you’re really next to me, this will have to do. Don’t get too jealous! 

You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes while setting the image as your wallpaper. Locking your phone, you tapped the glass to see your screen light up, observing the picture again.

On a plane heading to another city entirely, Seokjin was doing the exact same thing. Except in his case, he was smiling down at a girl caught in mid-laughter, body aglow from the bright yellow lights of a spinning carousel behind her. 

-

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a/n: whewww so if you made it to the end, hi! i seriously enjoyed writing this and i learned so much. it’s my first fic and first huge one-shot, so if you have any comments/concerns/constructive feedback, please let me know! my ask box is always open, too. lastly, here is my m.list if you want to browse! 🌨🌨🌨 ++ feedback box (added nov. 25th, 2021): ⇥ of course, any reblogs/comments/messages are appreciated! ⇥ for the ones that aren’t okay with reblogging with a review, commenting on this, or sending a message, i went ahead and made another anonymous form where you can send in what you think! ⇥ no emails collected, no need to put in a username. it’s literally just a feedback dropbox :D ⇥ here!   ++ ⇥ masterlist 

[whump-a-la-mode]

this is such a general thing but defiant villain whumpee slowly breaking pls :)

Thank you so much for the ask!! I hope this is slow enough. It's not exactly the traditional whumpee breaking, but I hope it's interesting nonetheless! Feel free to send in another ask if you want something different ^^

CW//Talk of mass destruction, sleep deprivation torture, brief pet whump mention, forced to eat gross food

"It's over."

There was a weariness to the newscaster's voice-- the kind that those in the profession were never meant to display. The sheer essence of bone-deep exhaustion. A body squeezed dry of adrenaline, until fight or flight turned to fatigue.

But, the fight was won.

"For the last three days, we have been running twenty four hour coverage of the battle occurring downtown. The battle began when Villain's forces attempted to overrun an R&D lab, following the occupation of their original headquarters by our city's heroes.

The destruction has been uncountable. But, it's over.

After a final assault at three in the morning, today, the last of Villain's personal guard fled the stronghold, and were taken into captivity. An hour later, the menace themself was captured.

It's over.

What exactly will be done with Villain is unclear, but Leader has assured us that appropriate measures have been prepared for their secure containment.

As for us? At long last, goodnight Metropolis."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"And good morning, sleepyhead."

Villain could not help but wince as light washed over them in a boiling wave-- the warmth of darkness torn away from them-- as the back doors of the truck were swung open.

"You're making the biggest mistake of your life." They snapped back, hoping the venom in their voice reached its recipient, standing at the truck's mouth.

Hero.

Of course, of all people, their welcoming committee had to be fucking Hero. The biggest asshat Metropolis had to offer. The worst, most stupidly noble, stupidly loyal, stupidly-

Their fury reached a boiling point to which enraged thoughts turned incoherent. It did not matter why they hated the idiot standing before them. It mattered only that anger alone made their veins feel as though they were overflowing with magma.

"Am I?" The noble fool cocked their head to the side, mocking and arrogant. "Or are you just upset that you've lost?"

"You think I've lost?" Villain let out a hearty chuckle. "All this effort, and you've caused me a minor setback, at most."

"Well, which one of us in the cage?"

They narrowed their eyes to slits. Hero was right. They were both staring through the bars of a cage, but Villain was very much the one contained. It was a tiny, steel construction. Large enough to stand up in, and take one step in each direction, but such was all.

Loaded into the back of a truck like some kind of zoo animal. They wanted to scream!

But, unlike the heroes, they could hold back.

"Me staying here to amuse you does not equate to defeat, Hero."

"Is that all you're doing? Humoring me?"

"Do you have any reason to believe otherwise?"

"Plenty." They smirked. "For one, sitting in the back of a truck for fourteen hours doesn't exactly seem like something you'd do to humor me."

Fourteen hours...

"Have you considered that I'm simply playing a long game?"

"It'll be the longest game of your life, then. Don't plan on getting out of here anytime soon. Or, y'know, ever. That's kind of the whole point."

"You really think you can hold me forever?"

"Oh, I know so. If you knew what was coming for you, you wouldn't be taking this so lightly."

"Oh, I'm so scared. What are you gonna do, give me a donut and tell me to hug this whole thing out?"

Hero chuckled, at that.

"Why don't you come and see for yourself?"

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"You're sure this will work?" Leader cocked a brow, hoping that the teeth marks in their lower lip weren't visible. It was a nervous habit, chewing like that.

"Certain." Scientist had a chipper tone to them-- a student having solved a math problem. "We've been developing this method for months. Trust me, they have no chance."

"None?"

"None. Even better, this technique is more than a simple containment method. It has a progressive weakening effect. Within a few months, they'll be like putty in your hand."

"You know we're talking about Villain here, right?"

"Precisely!"

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Villain had expected high security.

Of course they had. They'd quite frankly expected something ridiculous. A cell suspended over a pit of lava. Or a shark-infested pool. Or maybe they'd simply contain them through the power of sedatives.

None of the options sounded particularly enjoyable. But, all three sounded better than the room they stood in front of at that moment.

Six guards stood around them, each heavily armed, and not afraid to display this fact. Two stood on either side of them, each holding a chain attached to one of the twin manacles that adorned both their wrists-- they'd expected handcuffs, but two shackles per wrist seemed a little excessive. The two remaining guards stood with one in front and one behind. Their chains were those connected to Villain's feet. One tug, and they'd be face-first on the tile.

The restraints didn't make them want to flee any less. Not when they saw that room. Even chained as they were, they squirmed at the very sight of what stood before them.

It was rather large, though not ostentatiously so. Though, its size was accentuated by the complete lack of furniture lining the walls.

No. There were only two things inside the chamber.

The first stood at the center. A massive, metal ring, perhaps ten feet in height and the same in width. Four cylinders of the same material extended into the circle's center, looking terribly like hungry mouths.

One for each wrist, one for each ankle.

They were going to be splayed out like a bearskin carpet. Not to mention the vulnerability... With their limbs spread in every which direction, everything would be exposed. Their stomach, their back, their head. And they would be without a hope of retaliation.

It was a terrifying thought, but the elaborate restraint was nothing compared to the other thing inside the chamber.

Light.

There must have been a thousand of them. Shimmering, dazzling lights. On the ceiling, on the walls, some even on the floor.

It had not been since Villain's childhood that light had truly affected them. The manifestation of their abilities had coincided with the appearance of their acute sensitivity to the sun. Such was to be expected' a supernatural ability to move through places dark and shadowed, to control the shroud as though it were a thing rather than an absence did not exactly leave one looking forward to the sunrise.

Yet, they were not a vampire. Through gradual acclimation, they had learned to become comfortable with normal levels of light exposure. Spending a few hours under the sun's rays was not a problem, nor was existing within an indoor space, dominated by artificial lamps and LEDs.

But that room...

Villain could not take it. In desperation, they pulled, tugging on the restraints that dangled around them like tails. But, even they were no match for six men.

And, thus, they entered.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"Now, I can see you weren't lying!"

The voice startled Villain, sent a jolt through their chest, but it did nothing to raise their head or open their eyes. Not immediately. Lifting their gaze was a task accomplished with a considerable amount of effort, and unveiling their eyes from their lids made their corneas feel to have been pierced by searing blades.

They could hardly see Hero, through the blazing lights.

"You really were trying to humor me. This is hilarious!"

It was with a terribly uncomfortable feeling that they felt fury overtake their fatigue.

"It's only been six days. I can play the long game."

"Is that why you've been hanging around?"

Though they tried, in their manacles, it proved impossible to ball their fists. The metal fit too closely around their fingers, contoured to not allow the slightest shadow of movement.

"Maybe it is, Hero. Maybe it is."

"Maybe." The Hero took a step forth, then another, until they were mere inches from their captive nemesis. "They've really done something here, huh? Ya' can hardly move an inch."

"There's a difference between not being able to and not wanting to."

"Is that so?"

Hero placed a chilled hand on their nemesis' side-- just above their hip, where their range of movement was the most limited by their splayed limbs.

Villain's heart leapt as they felt a tiny spark, jolting through their chest.

Suffering a direct blow from their nemesis was a fate they had only endured a handful of times. Now, there was nothing to protect them from it. Not even the adrenaline of battle.

"They say you're gonna give up, y'know." Hero trailed their hand, up and down Villain's taut skin. "I think they're betting on it, up in HQ. It's only a matter of time. We can all see you're getting weaker. Tired. You aren't great at hiding it."

"What I'm good at is acting."

"You're saying this is all an act? So you won't mind if I do... this?"

That time, the feeling was more of a spark.

Villain's scream echoed throughout the chamber, but there was no one to hear them but the light.

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"Hey! Get up. Can't you hear me?"

Of course Villain could hear Hero. They'd been hearing their stupid voice every single one of these last...

How many days had it been?

They couldn't remember. Too many.

"There's a difference between hearing and listening."

"I thought this whole breaking you thing would be more fun."

"I'm sorry that I'm not entertaining you."

"Nah, I don't think seeing you strung up like this will ever get old." Like a child, Hero laughed. "Anyways, I brought you some food. It's fish!"

Villain hated fish.

But, struggling would mean opening their eyes. Looking at the light.

And, thus, they ate.

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"Come on."

A sharp vibration rattled through the restraint frame, and, consequently, to the cores of Villain's bones. But, they did not move.

"I know you can hear me. So get up!"

Hero kicked the frame again, but received the same reaction.

"I thought you were playing the long game. I'm looking for some payoff, here. This new Villain is boring."

Maybe.

Maybe they were boring.

But they didn't have the energy to be anything else. Not anymore.

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"What did I tell you?" Scientist smirked. "Like putty in your hand!"

"I still don't understand how you did it." Leader shook their head. "The biggest threat to the city..."

"Oh, it was easy. They've got those weird dark powers, yeah? So they aren't hurt by the light. Not exactly. But, when there's lights on, they can't sleep! Not a wink. You could leave 'em outside and give 'em the keys to your own car, and they still wouldn't be able to escape."

"You really think so?"

"I know so. By the way, who won the betting pool?"

"Engineering department. They said three months, they were the closest. You're saying they haven't slept in three months?"

"Yep! There's not much left of the old Villain anymore, though. So... I mean, now, they can be whatever you want them to be. Do you have any ideas?"

"Hm..." Leader drummed their fingers against the wall. "I have always wanted a bodyguard."

"I thought you always wanted a dog."

"True, true."

"So... why not both?"

"You have a technique for that too?"

"Yep!"

[astaroth1357]

How to Calm Your Demon Boyfriend; Vol 2

So You Pissed Him Off, Have You?

Notice: Due to an impending lawsuit for libel and misinformation, Mammoney, Inc. has filed for bankruptcy. All past guides from their company have been revised and re-released. All future printing will be handled Solo Man, Press.

Oh? Is there trouble in your devilish paradise? Well, there’s bound to be a spat or two between lovers but things can get... complicated if one half of your pair could easily wipe out a nation. Attempting to calm down your demon can be tricky, however in this volume of How to Calm Your Demon Boyfriend we will be covering the best methods available for you to do just that! With our instructions and a deft touch, you’ll manage to avoid your boyfriend’s hellish rage and get right back to enjoying that tender, sacrilegious relationship you’ve come to love!

This volume only covers if your demon boyfriend is mad at YOU. If there is SOMEONE ELSE making him mad, please consult Volume One!

Lucifer’s mad at You

You are in a very tricky situation so treat your next actions with the utmost care…

First, ascertain who is at fault for what has occurred. If it’s you, then figure out the severity. A minor infraction can be smoothed over easily enough with some explanation and sincere apology.

More severe breaches of trust will be harder get past. Plead your case but don’t attempt to excuse your actions. Acknowledge fault and, again, apologize. If he seems receptive, attempt to touch him in some way like on the hand or arm but no higher. This a literal demonstration of your attempt to reconnect.

This is the best that you can do for now, but he should acknowledge your efforts as long as you approached it correctly.

If it’s his fault… as far as he’s concerned it’s still your fault, unfortunately. It’s the pride in him speaking. 

Ask him what he believes you’ve done wrong and assess from there. Some things may be better to give a brief apology to, but no more. You don’t need to explain yourself for something you didn’t do. It may be best to leave him for a few hours after this and let tensions cool.

If the accusation is too egregious, you have the option to not apologize at all. This will likely anger him further if you give no explanation, though. Explain why you don’t think you should have to say sorry, then leave. Call for his brothers if you need someone there to intervene.

Now you wait. Unfortunately, it's an inevitability. Lucifer will need time to process and do a post-mortem on what happened. If he was truly the one at fault, he’ll acknowledge it to himself but never admit it out-loud. He may extend an olive branch in the form of a gift (the size and expense of which will be directly proportional to how much he messed up) but that will be it.

If you forgive him, then life can return to normal. If not, consult our other material: Can I Breakup with My Demon Boyfriend?

Mammon’s mad at You

It is first important to discern between his usual “anger” and actual anger.

If you see any of these signs: Blushing, stuttering, overly defensive denials, general tsundere-ness then you are likely only dealing with “anger.” Feel free to tease appropriately.

If these signs are not there then something is very wrong. Find out what it is, he will be forthright with a little persistence. (i.e. bug him until he says something. He will likely want to tell you anyway)

Attempt to remedy the problem as quickly as possible. This will no small matter. A truly upset Mammon should not be ignored.

If you have done something wrong, an apology may be in order. Do be sincere if you can because Mammon will appreciate the effort.

Cheer him up with either compliments or physical contact, head pats and cuddles work most effectively. If his face is red, though, you’re likely on the right track in general.

He isn’t one to hold a grudge so this should settle any brief irritation that’s derailed your relationship. Take care not to upset him this much again in the future.

Leviathan’s mad at You

Again, he’s probably jealous but now he’s going to be jealous and possessive. Admittedly, not the best combination.

Stay. Calm. If he’s already hysterical then adding onto the situation won’t do anyone any good. Patience may be difficult to hang onto, but it’s crucial to getting through this on the other side.

Physical contact is still important but NOT TOO EARLY. If he has his guard up he may just slap away your attempts to touch him.

Chances are he’s already built up a narrative in his head. This will not be easy to combat, especially if his suspicions aren’t true.

Denial will be tricky. You don’t want him to accept his false narrative as truth, but there’s going to be only so many times you can say, “No, that didn’t happen” before he stops believing you.

Deny his story first, firmly and with no room for doubt then redirect the conversation to asking why he’s so worried about it. Get to the heart of what’s making him feel so self-conscious and start soothing him from there. He’ll be feeling vulnerable, so a delicate touch is necessary.

NOW is the time for physical contact. He still needs to know you’re there so you should get as close to him as possible. He’ll probably be holding onto you pretty tightly. He won’t mean to bruise you if he does. 

Hold him close and don’t even think about letting him go until he’s ready. He needs to know that you'll stay with him even if this is what he has to offer. Your embrace is not just reassurance, it’s a promise. I hope you're prepared to keep it.

For more on how to comfort Levi, please seek out: How to Comfort Your Demon Boyfriend.

Satan’s mad at You

Oh my, aren’t you in a pickle? The focus should be on the immediate concerns first, then the long term. Don’t try to resolve both at once.

The immediate concern is that you have a very ticked off Wrath in front of you and he will make his displeasure known. Apologize. Apologize now. Is it actually your fault? Who knows. That's a long term concern and you should focus first on getting him to calm down fast.

Satan will not listen to reason right now, especially not if you're the only one offering it so don’t even try.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to touch an angry Satan. He's going to be far too gone for cuddle time to smooth things over.

You should give him space. He likely doesn't want to be mad at you and is very aware of just how dangerous this situation is for you both. If you take a step back, he'll do what he needs to in order to calm himself down (which is probably going to involve property damage of some kind but better it a bookshelf than you).

Wait until he is no longer shouting, then you may approach and carefully plead your case. You better have some airtight logic if you want to convince him he's actually the one in the wrong about something, but if he is he will apologize.

Of course, if you are at fault then you should apologize and attempt to explain. Even if you don’t have the best justification, you can still win him back if you can prove you had good intentions.

Unfortunately, even if he understands your reasoning he may still be a little miffed... Speaking candidly, if there's still residual anger left it may be best just to f*ck it out. This is not a joke, it's a legitimate way to redirect lingering negative emotions in a relationship. So have at it, I suppose. Just have a safe word ready because you'll need it.

Asmodeus’ mad at You

Again, reason and logic will fail you, especially at the very start. He WILL be upset and he WILL lash out. Likely verbally.

DO NOT engage in a fight of insults with Asmodeus. Not only will you lose but the situation may escalate to the point that your relationship will suffer permanent damage.

Remain calm, but you need not take the abuse. You are well within your right to tell him that you will leave the room if he does not cease the hostility. Don’t mean this idly either because your presence will be very important to Asmo. He hates to be ignored.

If you must leave, do so. Don’t turn back even if he pleads. Wait for him to come to you, because he will, and then a civil conversation can commence. Apologize if necessary.

After his initial anger has passed, Asmo will be very quick to feel remorseful. Despite his ferocity, he should be rather forgiving (at least to you anyway).

He will want make-up sex, for his own comfort if nothing else, but as always he will not force the matter. It may be much sweeter than usual, though, because that’s his way of saying “I’m sorry.”

Beelzebub’s mad at You

Oh dear.... You have either denied/stolen his food, hurt his family, or somehow just really ticked him off...

If you denied him food, get more.

If you hurt his family, plead for mercy.

If you’ve just really, really ticked him off, I’m not even sure what you did but you probably ought to apologize and maybe rethink your life choices... They must not be very good.

Belphegor’s mad at You

This will happen, but again Belphegor is pretty lazy. He’s more likely to give you the silent treatment than he is to blow up in your face.

Your challenge now is to get him to talk to you. Unlike with Mammon, he won’t be itching to say anything so a slight nudge isn’t going to cut it.

Start by trying to be frank about the situation. Attempt to sit him down and say that you wish to talk things out. Be empathetic, approachable, and sincere. This should elicit at least some attention from him for most issues.

If he intends on holding out further, then you have already done your part to the best of your ability. Leave the door open to that discussion, but go about your day until he’s ready for it. It won’t be easy, nor will it feel good, but it’s important to set boundaries and not allow his silence to punish you when things could be worked out more productively.

I assure you, Belphie does love you and he will miss you. It may take a little time, but he will eventually approach you to have that talk. Resolve what happened together and then things can return to normal, cuddles and all.

If you are looking to calm down your demon before he hurts someone else, please consult Volume One: Tame Demons, Save Lives!

[therogueheart]

The Cardinal Rules of Real Person Shipping

The debate on the morality of RPS is a long and divided one. But it will always exist and while it does there are basic rules of conduct and respect that that anyone engaging in RPS should follow. Its very important to remember that you are not shipping fictional characters or characters based upon historical figures. You are shipping actual, real people, and they should be treated as such.  Please note these should also extend to fanart of one person, ‘slash reader’ content and anything that involves sexualising or romanticising another person. 

Do not tag the people in RPS content.  This goes for posts, fanfiction, fanart and any other form of RPS content. ‘Gen’ content (for example, fanart depicting them hugging in a non-sexual manner with no RPS related caption or implication) is acceptable, but its very important to ask yourself before you do so: 'Is this work immediately interpreted as platonic?’ If the answer is no, post it but don’t tag them. Don’t tag them in discussions or posts pushing their friendship or “relationship”. If you’re confused on what to tag it as, here’s a key: Name & Name = gen/platonic content.  Name/Name = romantic/sexual content.

Do not, EVER, show/share with/push NSFW content on the people. At all.  This is the number one rule and breaking it will disappoint even the rest of the RPS community. Its uncomfortable, weird, and downright disrespectful. It doesn’t matter if the actor has laughed about coming across NSFW content before. It doesn’t matter if they joked about it in an interview. Just don’t do it.  Any NSFW content you make involving RPS should be appropriately tagged.  Another thing to remember here since a lot of people post NSFW fanart to Twitter - writing the person’s full name in the text will make your Tweet show up when people follow that name.

Where possible, keep RPS content out of the ‘main’ tags. This one is just as much to protect you as it is to protect other people from being exposed. People who are against RPS content often resort to volatile bullying, death threats, harassment, doxing and detailed hate speech.  RPS is also normally an extreme breach of moral clause and respect for many people, and it makes them uncomfortable and upset. All in all, for everyone’s sake, its better to keep RPs content to specific pairing tags or to make a ‘secret’ tag. A lesser known fact is that ‘ship names’ can also be used platonically, but while this is a fact its still best not to use the tag in conjunction with other main tags, such as the fandom name or the people’s names.

Do not spam the people with RPS content or push it on them during streams, cons, panels ect. This relates to the NSFW rule but constantly pushing RPS content on the people involved can quite literally ruin their friendships. We’ve seen it time and time again - Septiplier, Phan, Cockles ect. Especially if there’s no merit to the RPS pairing (e.g both are happily in monogamous relationships). It can erode friendships and force the people involved to be more reserved. Imagine not being able to go out with your friends or hug them or engage with them because people forcibly sexualise it. This is what can happen.  Embracing their friendship is fine, but its important to remember the limits. Its also important to note that disregarding a celebrities other acts, motions or achievements in order to push RPS or fictional ship content on them is a dick move. One such example is Misha Collins’ latest political panels being spammed with Destiel demands. Undermining and undervaluing their other projects and their lives in order to satisfy your own desires isn’t going to earn you brownie points.

Do not, under any circumstances, harass or hate on the partners or friends of the people.  This is right up there with the NSFW rule. Its important to remember that almost every RPS ship is purely fantasy and that those people often have real partners and real friends who can and are hurt when you hate on them or harass them over an RPS ship. Regardless of your feelings about the relationship, they are the real life partners and friends of that person, and you are also hurting that person by attacking a valued piece of their life.  Partners and friends are not ‘unworthy’ or ‘getting in the way of Z and Y’. No other friendship is less valuable or unfair. No partner deserves to be attacked on a daily basis simply for being with someone. Know that if you do this, even the RPS community doesn’t want to engage with you and that you won’t be welcome on 90% of the blogs who engage in that ship.

The only proof that is conclusive is what comes right from the people’s mouths - anything else is speculation. It doesn’t matter if its sharing clothes, buying each other accessories, getting matching tattoos or whatever. Unless the people involved have explicitly said ‘this is what’s happening’ then it is speculation. Intimacy is not strictly romantic nor are definitive acts of love/bond such as matching tattoos. Its great to celebrate acts of their bond but don’t claim it as irrefutable proof that something is happening; again, things like that can destroy the friendship or erode the closeness of the bond. 

As a last note - its important to be respectful no matter your stance on RPS. If RPS isn’t your thing, block any related tags or blogs and cultivate positivity in your own space. If it is your thing - don’t give antis reason to attack and harass you. 

[razorblade180]

Overall thoughts on V8? Assuming you didn't answer this already.

I meant to do a volume wrap up review but I got incredibly busy and it fell to the waste side. The thing about me judging RWBY I have to come at it from two angles or I won’t feel like I judged it appropriately. There’s the casual, first time seeing the episodes and seeing this through the lens as a casual watcher who probably only sees the episodes once or twice. But then there’s the other side to that coin. I review these episodes, write aus, theorize, check extended lore, listen to the music, etc; that means I have to go back and watch episodes several times for any given reason and that’s when you start noticing the holes or picking up on things you didn’t before.

As a casual watcher, I’d give this an 8/10. There’s plenty of moments where characters do things that got me excited and plot points I wanted explored. This volume actually gave a decent amount of things I wanted for quite some time and some things I didn’t know I needed. Certainly there are things I don’t like in this but I’m open and curious to see where RT takes their storie because it’s their story.

Okay, now as a someone who’s had to deep dive and take a step back multiple times for a variety of reasons. 6.5/10 maybe a 7/10 if I’m being generous. A lot of my problems with this volume are problems that aren’t new to RWBY and that’s just how surface layer portions of arcs are and how a variety of choices/bonds don’t exactly make sense with what we were previously shown, or they only make sense because the writers don’t want introduce other complexities even though they should be there realistically. I’ll give a couple examples of these and yes, I’m aware what I say doesn’t bother everyone but it bothers me.

Qrow was never angry at or brought up Robyn being the reason their airship crashed in the first place because she started the fight; which aids in Clover dying.

Emerald follows Cinder, not Salem. Even if Cinder is working under Salem, why would Emerald be so willingly to complete shift to the side that actively goes against Cinder? There’s been no grand revelation to make Emerald believe Cinder doesn’t give a damn about her. Leaving made sense because she was about to get tortured. Going full turncoat right now doesn’t. No change happened. Emerald always hated being near Salem but adored Cinder no matter the crimes and the show hasn’t done anything to switch that view point.

I’m happy Whitley and Weiss had a touching sibling moment that implies they’re okay and making/made up, but there was never a conversation about the actual problem and thoughts that had them at odds in the first place. Weiss saving his and Willow’s life shouldn’t be the thing that smooths things over. It would’ve been terrible if Weiss do something to save their life. Whitley helping Penny is okay I guess because he really had no reason to contribute but did anyways. Even so, a person doing a morally correct thing doesn’t automatically warrant the conflict between him and Weiss’s resolved.

We got Cinder’s backstory; it didn’t tell us anything about how she eventually came into contact with Salem. Honestly her back story felt more in line of her main goal through the series was an absolute freedom by the means of breaking down the systems that trapped and didn’t give a damn, rather than her quest for power. Yes you can argue gaining power means it’s easier to maintain her freedom to do whatever she wants but I personally think that’s a little off the mark when you gave her a story that involves her trapped by rules and time rather than being too physically weak to gain freedom.

This show has built up that the Schnee family has suffered various types of abuse because of Jacques and uses Weiss as a medium to build towards breaking free from that. Not just overcoming but confronting the abuse by cementing it’s place below you. We don’t really get that. There will never be a moment where the siblings and mother truly get to break out of Jacques grasps emotionally and then put him in his place because he’s dead! Yeah they never have to worry about him again but even last volume they showed Winter still having turmoil and being able to get strung along by him. We don’t even really know how Whitley perceived his father. It feels so lackluster. Then they care to mention how it’s Weiss’s idea to save him like it’s an empowering moment when in actuality, it would be against her character, values of a huntress, and morality to let a person die in cell when you’re the reason they’re in a cell! Letting him die in there would just terrible. I don’t even know why he wasn’t let out in that scene! He’s a coward! He’d follow their orders to save his skin. All he has to do is shut up and walk through a portal.

Ironwood and Oscar both knew they could remove that staff to use it and Atlas wouldn’t drop immediately. Why did nobody have any kind of compromise with one another since there’s nothing stopping them from using the staff for something and then putting it back? They had this morally gray thing going on which I liked but then they decided to make Ironwood go full evil. I’ve never had to say this before but the song he got in V7 and the character they made him be in V8 just don’t connect. I got upset listening to that song recently because I liked that Ironwood.

Clover’s importance. RT tried making a character who had no more than 9 minutes in the series and one meaningful line of dialogue into the cornerstone of a side plot. Clover is such a nothing character. Vine did more than Clover. They try to make him have such a profound impact to the people around him but we never see him bond with his team; Harriet specifically. We get one scene of Clover telling Qrow the kids are fortunate to have Qrow even if he doesn’t think so. First, I doubt Clover knows Qrow decided to get drunk in a ghost town and the kids nearly died and cellar while he did it so that compliment doesn’t hold much weight for me. Second, We see nothing meaningful between the two. V7 has a time skip and just expects viewers to be on board with Clover being this influential change on Qrow without showing anything outside of a witty remark and Clover flexing his semblance. I would’ve bought it more of Qrow almost relapsed and Clover stopped him then had a real meaningful conversation.

Ruby goes against Ironwood only to then want to do a plan that’s aligned to longer term thinking than even his, talks about how everyone should be working together, but then adds a part in her video to actively antagonize and vilify Ironwood. Afterwards, she wonders where everything went wrong and doesn’t think of a plan or do anything to immediately help either kingdom until the final hour between the ultimatum being made, to everything getting destroyed. The inciting incident was disagreeing Mantle should be left in favor of Atlas but the main character didn’t do anything to help Mantle 90% of the season and hindered Atlas’s safety up until the final plan.

Yang is used to be the devil’s advocate in a bunch of situations, but she’s wrong most of the time or her lines just don’t make any sense. They weren’t doing just fine before Atlas. They almost died every step of the way. The team didn’t beat a Leviathan; silver eyes and a robot take credit for that. Why would Blake think less of Yang for wanting to go save people immediately? Blake was never mad at anyone to begin with. Yang consistently calls out people for following orders as if it’s objectively wrong, but is never called out on the fact she hasn’t followed anybody’s orders but her own and added discourse to every situation. I get RT is making her ask questions because that’s what Raven told her to do, but all she’s really doing is picking fights and disobeying every order. Yang states to Ruby they accomplished more than they expected. That’s false, getting Oscar back is correcting a mistake caused by her own plan that she didn’t even complete.

It took 6 volumes before Yang had anything to do with the Summer Rose subplot again and 7 volumes before her and Ruby had a sister to sister conversations; 5 if you wanna count Yang telling Ruby to leave at the end of volume three. The reason I bring this up is because in V8 , they treat their argument as if it’s a big deal but then have every character say it wasn’t that big a deal; but then have two circle back to that conversation later after having neither character discuss to anybody that the argument actually did weigh on them. Yang doesn’t think about Ruby until she sees her again and the closest we get with Ruby is Blake reassuring her that people need her and how Blake admires her. I like that scene but it’s not the same as Ruby actually airing out the specific point that Yang said something that Ruby found hurtful. Vol8 in general people trying to comfort others but nobody ever actually addresses what made them uncomfortable to start with. Except Ren.

This one is a nitpicking but I’ll say it anyways. Penny getting hacked only served as a purpose to go to the vault, a thing Ironwood already wanted them to do. Nobody got her because she was hacked. You can’t even say her getting hacked is the leading factor to her actually dying because Penny became a vulnerable human afterwards that can’t be rebuilt. Pietro was gone, and already stated last volume he doesn’t have the aura to build Penny again. If she died as a robot then it’s still permanent death. No core, no Pietro, and no aura; hacking her was just to create a Hound reveal situation and make them go to the vault on a different set of terms. I’m not exactly upset with this, but I don’t understand why the extra steps. The Hound was hunting her anyways. I would’ve brought some kind of value if she hurt a friend and it caused them to potentially hinder the plan later on or remove them entirely. Penny could’ve rekt Yang and it only adds value to Yang getting one shot later. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

I think I’ve wasted enough people’s time. Honestly, I do like this volume. I’ve enjoyed a bunch of it. But there’s things that legitimately make me think it’s not as good others and makes V7 even worse.

[thelastspeecher]

Spirit Touched - Chapter 4: Baby Badger-Viper

Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4   Chapter 5   Chapter 6   AO3

I actually updated on AO3 yesterday, but I was too lazy to post the new chapter here.  So here’s the new chapter now.  Chapter 5 won’t go up until after I move next week, though, because I’m going to have to focus on packing and whatnot.

Again, this fic is inspired by @muffinlance‘s fic Salvage and fanart that @agent-jaselin did of it.  A component of this chapter is thanks to this art that jaselin did.

——————————————————————————————

              Hakoda should have known that whatever Tuluk had to say was trouble. The crewman had come into his cabin while he was responding to letters from the Northern Fleet – without knocking.

              “Chief?”  Hakoda set his pen down.

              “Yes?” he asked.

              “The kid’s up the mast again.”

              “The-” Hakoda’s eyes widened.  “Zuko climbed the mast?”  Tuluk nodded.  “He’s four!” Though, now that Hakoda thought about it, Zuko’s current age wasn’t as much of an impediment as it would have been to someone else.  This was, after all, the boy that had managed to bruise multiple crewmen while battling hypothermia.  Hakoda got up from his desk and followed Tuluk onto the deck.

              “You need to wear something!” Toklo called.  True enough, Hakoda could just make out a very young boy, sitting on the crossbeam of the main mast.

              “Tui and La, how did he get up there?” Hakoda breathed.  Much of the crew had stopped to watch the spectacle of a toddler up very high, in a very precarious, very dangerous situation. Even those who were taking longer to warm up to Zuko were visibly concerned for his safety.  The crewmen that had bonded with him, like Toklo, looked like they might have heart attacks.

              “No!” Zuko shouted down to Toklo.  His voice was petulant, but not in the way a prince would speak.  He sounded every bit the toddler he was.  “I won’t wear it!”

              “It’s the only thing in your size, Zuko,” Bato argued.  Hakoda walked to his second-in-command’s side.

              “What happened?” Hakoda asked.  Bato sighed and uncrossed his arms.

              “The little brat won’t put on a coat.”  Bato looked up the mast to shout again.  “Do you want to get sick again?”

              “Yes!” shrieked the small firebender.

              “Son of a-”  Bato rubbed his forehead.

              “Why won’t he put on a coat?” Hakoda asked.

              “The one he likes is still drying,” Toklo said.  “We had to wash it earlier.”  Washing it was the right move.  The last Hakoda had seen of the coat, it was covered in messes that only a clumsy toddler could make.

              “We got him another coat last time we docked,” Hakoda pointed out. Panuk snorted softly.

              “Yeah, and he hates it.”

              “Are you talking about me?” Zuko shouted.  “That’s not nice!”  Scattered snickers came from the crewmen.

              “I’ll get him,” Hakoda said wearily.

              For the second time, he climbed up the mast to retrieve a stubborn firebender. When he arrived at the crossbeam, Zuko glared at him.

              “Zuko, you can’t stay up here.”

              “Yes, I can!”

              “No, you can’t.”

              “Yes, I can!” Zuko said stubbornly.  Hakoda sighed.  He’d forgotten how difficult toddlers could be.  After all, it had been a while since his children were this young, and up until now, Zuko had been on his best behavior.

              “It’s not safe for you,” Hakoda said, forcing calm.  Zuko glanced down at the deck uncertainly, then met his eyes again with that distinctive glower.  But Hakoda had seen the brief flash of fear across the boy’s face. Zuko didn’t want to be up here any more than Hakoda wanted it.  “You’re coming down with me.”

              “No.”  Zuko fidgeted.  On a crossbeam.  That a fall from would cause serious injuries.  Hakoda fought the instinctual urge to grab the boy.  He waited.  Zuko clearly had more to say.  “…I’m scared,” Zuko finally whimpered.  “It’s taller than before.”

              “Well, you’re shorter than before,” Hakoda pointed out.  Zuko fidgeted again.  “I’ll carry you down, okay?”  After a moment, Zuko bobbed his head.  He scooted closer to Hakoda, who scooped him into one arm, stifling a sigh of relief.  Zuko buried his face into Hakoda’s shirt, hiding from the height or the eyes of the crewmen, Hakoda wasn’t sure.

              Once back on the deck, Hakoda set the boy down.  This incident with the mast was vastly different from the first; for one, the boy shivering in the cold wind looked nothing like the proud prince they’d fished from the sea.  With his blue clothes drying, Zuko was in his green Earth Kingdom attire again.  His hair, which Hakoda felt certain grew faster than normal, was tied back in the traditional wolf’s tail.  It took the shortest amount of time of any hairstyles the crew knew, and Zuko was too fidgety to sit still for a longer one.

              No, Zuko didn’t look like a prince.  He looked like a refugee.  Like one of the orphans that picked up a heritage from any adult willing to help them, and as a result, blended many backgrounds into one.

              It wasn’t entirely inaccurate, Hakoda considered, to think of the former Fire Nation Prince as a refugee.

              “Put on your coat,” Hakoda instructed Zuko, pushing away his musings. Zuko scowled.

              “N-n-no,” he said, his teeth chattering from the cold.

              “Wearing a coat you dislike is preferable to catching your death,” Hakoda said shortly.  Zuko opened his mouth like he was going to argue, but closed it again.  He nodded reluctantly.  Toklo, who had been standing nearby with said detested coat in his hands, moved forward and draped it over Zuko’s shoulders.

              “I can put it on myself,” Zuko whined as Toklo busily dressed him.

              “I’m just helping you with the buttons,” Toklo chirped, buttoning up the coat. He pulled the hood over Zuko’s head. “There!  Now you can stop shivering.”  Now that the coat was on, Hakoda could see why the boy hated it.

              “It looks even better than I thought it would,” Bato said, not bothering to hide the glee in his voice.  “We’d better keep you away from the birds.  They might think you’re a predator.”  Zuko scowled.

              “Of course you like it, you bought it,” he mumbled.  Bato grinned.  The coat was one made for children that enjoyed dressing up in costumes. It had ears on the hood and a tail on the back.  Overall, it brought to mind a simplified version of an animal Hakoda had heard of, but had not seen.

              “You make quite the fierce pygmy puma,” Hakoda remarked.

              Zuko pulled the hood further down his face, pouting.

----- 

              “He’s here, Chief,” Aake rumbled as he walked onto the deck, carrying Zuko over his shoulder.

              “Put me down, put me down!” Zuko shrieked, kicking his legs ineffectually. “I don’t need a nap!”

              “You sound just like Sitka when he gets overtired,” Aake said.  “That’s a sign that you do need a nap.”

              “No!” Zuko whined.  Aake handed the squirming toddler to Hakoda.

              “Zuko, we’ve been over this,” Hakoda said wearily.  Zuko wriggled fiercely in Hakoda’s arms.  A few sparks burst into life, meeting Hakoda’s skin and causing him to instinctively drop the toddler.  Unlike the first time he’d fallen to the deck, Zuko didn’t stay quiet. He burst into tears.

              “What is going on with him lately?” Panuk muttered.

              “He’s overtired, for one thing,” Aake said.  Hakoda picked Zuko up again and brought him to the infirmary, ignoring the boy’s crying.  “Toddlers always get worse when they need a nap.”

              “Yeah, but he’s been acting out even when he’s not tired,” Toklo pointed out. Aake shrugged.

              “Maybe he’s given up on pretending to be a teenager.”

----- 

              It took a long time for Zuko to calm down.  The moment he did, he fell asleep, exhausted from his temper tantrum. Kustaa shook his head.

              “It’s back to being the baby badger-viper you were when you first joined us, huh?” he asked the sleeping boy.  Zuko snored in response.  A thin line of drool dribbled down his cheek.  “At least you’re too small to bruise us every time you throw a fit.”  Zuko snored again.

              Satisfied that his young charge wouldn’t wake up for some time, Kustaa took out the book he’d been given by Healer Yugoda.  It was a record of every known instance the Northern Water Tribe had of someone being spirit touched.  Hopefully, he could find something in it to illuminate what had happened to Zuko. He sat down at his desk and began to read.

              Yugoda’s book was very, very detailed.  It included names that Kustaa half-remembered and others that he had never heard before, tales from both poles, ancient legends, and even recent instances, such as the Moon Spirit saving the life of a Northern Tribe Princess.

              The reasons spirits intervened in mortal affairs were varied, but a common one was for personal growth.  Spirits, despite being immortal, could be impatient with the pace of human development. Any human that had been marked as having a significant destiny was watched closely.  Should that human dawdle on their journey, a spirit might intervene.

              Kustaa wasn’t too familiar with Fire Nation customs, but he had heard that the royal family were thought of as being blessed by the Sun Spirit, Agni. Zuko, a Fire Nation Prince, would undoubtedly have a destiny the spirits might take interest in.  It seemed most likely that Zuko had been reverted to a child as some manner of speeding his journey.  After all, the other frequent cause of a spirit intervening – to save a life – didn’t apply.  Zuko had been hale and hearty the day before he woke up as a toddler.

              Unfortunately, there were no records that Kustaa could find of spirits returning someone’s youth.  Which dashed the hope that he might be able to figure out whether Zuko’s change in behavior was as troubling as it seemed.  Zuko didn’t seem to notice, but the rest of the crew had picked up on the firebender’s increasingly frequent meltdowns, immature speech patterns, and juvenile reactions.

              He could be upset about something, and slipping into more age-appropriate behavior as a coping mechanism.  It could be a delayed effect of this specific spiritual intervention. Or even an effect that only happens after being in a spirit touched state for an extended period of time. Maybe it’s as some crew are suggesting, that he’s given up hope of returning to his proper age, and as such, opted to give up acting as if he were that age.

              With a soft sigh, Kustaa closed the book.  There were too many possibilities, and he wouldn’t be able to narrow them down unless Zuko opened up.

              Fat chance of that happening.  There was faint stirring from Zuko’s furs.  Kustaa looked over.  A small face popped up.

              “Did you enjoy your nap, nephew?” Kustaa asked pleasantly.  Zuko yawned widely and stretched.  He nodded.  “Good.” A sudden stricken look crossed Zuko’s face.

              “Um…”  Zuko fidgeted.  “Can- can I stay in here for a while?” he asked sheepishly.  Kustaa raised an eyebrow.  “I…I behaved poorly earlier,” Zuko mumbled.  After he’d let Zuko wallow for a moment, Kustaa nodded.

              “I have some herbs that need sorting.  If you’d like, you can do that.”  Zuko beamed.  Kustaa fought back a smile in return.

              The kid was a beast when he was upset, but far more endearing than he had any right being.

              Like most young children.

----- 

              Hakoda browsed the selection of the store, in his peripheral, keeping an eye on Zuko.  The first few towns, he hadn’t been the only golden-eyed child, but as they progressed down the coast, his obvious Fire Nation heritage turned more and more heads. Luckily, any glares sent Zuko’s way were replaced by sheepish looks once they saw his scar.  The fact that Zuko preferred warm clothing, and thus dressed in Water Tribe attire more often, helped as well.  But Hakoda remained on edge.

              Someone tapped on Hakoda’s shoulder.  He turned.

              “Excuse me, sir, but is he your son?” asked the woman who had approached him. She pointed at Zuko, who was ogling a display of exotic spices.  Hakoda nodded.  “Ah.” A sympathetic expression settled on the woman’s face.  “It was very kind of you to keep him.”

              Hakoda knew what the woman was implying.  It was the lie he’d given over and over, that Zuko was a war bastard. But the lie suddenly tasted bitter. He’d seen the golden-eyed street urchins.  He knew that war bastards weren’t always kept.  Still, Hakoda couldn’t shake loose the dirty feeling that had come over him, at the suggestion that a mixed-blood child growing up in a home was an anomaly, not the norm.

              “Of course I kept him,” Hakoda said softly.  “He’s my son, regardless of his parentage.”  The woman smiled.  Zuko stood on his tiptoes, reaching for a bright red spice.  “Nuktuk.”  Zuko spun around.  The woman Hakoda was talking to let out a soft gasp.  “If you want to get a closer look at something, ask and I’ll get it for you.”  Zuko scowled. “We can’t have you knocking things over again.”  Zuko nodded reluctantly.  Hakoda walked over.  “What did you want to look at?”

              “That,” Zuko mumbled, pointing out the red spice.  Hakoda handed it to him.

              “This?”

              “Yeah.”  Zuko stared intently at the small bottle.  According to the label, it contained ground chilis and fire flakes. “I like this.”

              “Do you want it?” Hakoda probed.  After a moment, Zuko nodded.  “Then ask.”

              “Can I have it?” Zuko asked quietly.  Hakoda raised an eyebrow.  “Please?” Hakoda nodded.

              “Since you asked so nicely…”  Zuko handed Hakoda the bottle, already brimming with excitement.  “You can keep looking around, but remember to be careful.” Zuko nodded.  He toddled over to a wall of jars containing pickled vegetables. Hakoda turned to the woman he’d been speaking with.  Horror filled her eyes.

              “I’ve seen burns on refugees before, but never something that bad on someone so young,” she whispered.  “I’m so sorry.”  Hakoda paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to respond.

              “Thank you.  But it’s something we’ve done our best to move past.  Dwelling on it only makes it worse,” he said diplomatically.  The woman shook her head, still visibly disturbed. She walked over to Zuko and crouched next to him, speaking to him in a low voice.

              Hakoda watched for a few moments, nervous that Zuko might say or do something that made it obvious he wasn’t a regular toddler.  But the woman didn’t seem perturbed, so he resumed shopping. The woman eventually left Zuko’s side and went up to the register.  She stopped by Zuko again on her way out of the shop.

              Hakoda brought the supplies up to the register.  Zuko sidled over to him, a large stuffed animal turtle duck in his arms.

              “That thing’s almost as big as you,” Hakoda remarked.  Zuko scowled and hugged the toy tighter.  “I can’t buy it for you, you know.”

              “Not a problem, sir,” said the cashier, counting out Hakoda’s change. “Lily got it for him.”

              “The woman that was in here earlier?” Hakoda asked.  The cashier nodded.

              “Yup.  She’s got a soft spot for refugee kids.”  The cashier shook his head.  “It’s a shame what good people like you and your family have to deal with.  Leaving your life behind, taking only the barest of necessities…”

              “It’s war,” Hakoda said dryly.  The cashier handed Hakoda his change.

              “That it is.”

----- 

              Zuko’s poor behavior began to die down after that stop.  His stuffed turtle duck came with him almost everywhere.  It reminded Hakoda of the blanket Sokka had been overly attached to as a child.

              “Who would’ve thought the kid just needed a toy?” Bato remarked.  Some of the men were training on the deck. Zuko was watching, heckling those he thought could do better.  His sharp words were undercut by how tightly he hugged his stuffed animal.

              “A complete stranger in a store,” Hakoda said softly.

              “You mean the woman that bought it for him?”

              “Yes.  She was under the impression we were refugees whose only real possessions were the clothes on our backs.”

              “Huh.  Well, with Zuko, that’s actually pretty accurate.”

              “Exactly.”  Hakoda watched Zuko tease Ranalok for losing a sparring match.  “I don’t think Zuko qualifies as a refugee, but he’s pretty close to one.  His world’s been turned upside down multiple times.  I can’t believe I didn’t think of giving him a toy or blanket or-”

              “Hakoda, he’s been trying to act like a teenager for most of his time as a kid,” Bato pointed out.  “Don’t be too hard on yourself.  The good news is that the kid’s finally calming down again.”

              “We never did find out why he started acting up.”

              “Don’t look a gift ostrich-horse in the mouth,” Bato said with a shrug. Hakoda didn’t respond.  Zuko yawned widely.  Hakoda walked over.

              “Zuko, would you come with me?” Hakoda asked softly.  Zuko nodded.  He followed Hakoda into his cabin.  Hakoda lifted the boy onto the chair opposite his desk, then sat down.  Zuko looked at him, his eyes getting slightly bleary from tiredness.

              “What is it, Chief?” Zuko asked.  Hakoda steepled his fingers.

              “I want to talk about your behavior.”  That shocked him out of any sleepiness he might have had.  Zuko straightened, eyes wide with fear.  “Before you say anything, I’m not punishing you.  You’ve been very well-behaved since we last docked.” Zuko relaxed slightly.  “But for a rather long time, you were not.”

              “I’m sorry,” Zuko mumbled.

              “I don’t want an apology.  I’m just wondering if you could share with me the reason,” Hakoda said.  Zuko squeezed his stuffed turtle duck.  “After we parted ways with the Northerners, you began acting in ways you hadn’t before.  Why?”

              “Why are you asking me now?” Zuko mumbled.  “You should have asked while I was misbehaving.”

              “Do you remember how you refused to cooperate with something as simple as taking a nap?” Hakoda asked.  Zuko reddened.  He nodded. “That’s why I didn’t ask then.  I’m not going to judge you.  But if you know why you were behaving so poorly-”

              “I was upset,” Zuko blurted out.  Hakoda waited.  The boy didn’t say anything else.

              “Why were you upset?” Hakoda prodded gently.

              “Uncle,” Zuko mumbled.  He squeezed his toy again.  “I…miss him.”

              “Do you want to see him?”

              “Yes.  No. I-”  Zuko looked away.  “The spirits cursed me, and I don’t know why, and Uncle cares too much, and he’d ask questions I don’t know how to answer, and-”  Hakoda held up a hand.  Zuko fell silent.

              “You were conflicted,” he said.  Zuko nodded.  “You want to see your uncle, but you’re worried how the reunion might go.”  Zuko nodded again.  “You could have told us.”

              “No.  I’m already four.  I don’t need any more indignities thrust upon me.”

              “Zuko, when something troubles you so much that it affects your behavior, it’s something you need to share,” Hakoda said patiently.  Zuko scowled.  Hakoda felt like he was back in time, trying to convince Sokka to talk things out before escalating to a fight.  “Are you better now?”  The young firebender blinked in surprise, clearly taken aback by the apparent change in topic.

              “Sort of.  I mean, I still miss Uncle and feel…conflicted,” Zuko confessed.  “But it’s not as bad now.”  He looked down at his stuffed animal.  “I had one like this before.  Lu Ten gave it to me.”

              “Lu Ten?”

              “My cousin.  He- he died during the Siege of Ba Sing Se.”

              “Ah,” Hakoda said softly.  Zuko looked at him expectantly.  Hakoda raised an eyebrow.  “Yes?”

              “Am I excused?” Zuko asked.  Hakoda nodded.  Zuko hopped off the chair and rushed out of the cabin.  Hakoda leaned back.

              Despite all his protests to the contrary, he’s just a boy.  A boy that feels a bit safer when he has something of his own to cuddle.  Hakoda grimaced.  I can’t tell Toklo and Panuk that toys are apparently the key to getting Zuko to open up. They’ll bury him in stuffed animals.

----- 

              “Zuko.”  Zuko sat bolt upright.  He looked over at Kustaa.  The healer was still fast asleep.  Wondering if he’d imagined it, Zuko laid back down.  “Zuko.”

              Who’s saying that?  Zuko fought free of his pile of furs.  He slipped on a coat to protect himself against the night wind and snuck onto the deck as quietly as possible.  The night shift did their chores, not paying any attention to the toddler padding past them. Something guided Zuko’s feet to the edge of the ship.  He clambered onto the railing, ignoring Hakoda’s voice in the back of his head telling him to stop climbing things.

              The full moon shone in the sky.  Its mirror image on the still ocean was just as bright.  Zuko cocked his head curiously at it.  Normally, he could feel the influence of the moon decreasing his bending capability.  But tonight, he didn’t feel stifled.

              It’s probably because my bending is even weaker than usual right now. Zuko tilted his head back to look up at the stars.  A memory flashed in his mind: the first time he’d seen the spirit lights in the South Pole.  Uncle had been thrilled and dragged Zuko out of bed to watch.  He blinked, and the memory faded.  No colorful ribbons split the sky in two.  Stars scattered across the heavens like they had been spilled from a jar. The moon hung heavy.  Zuko sighed.  I should go back to bed.

              “Not yet, Prince Zuko.”

              “Just Zuko,” Zuko said instinctively.  His eyes widened.  A figure began to form out of the moon.  A young woman, about the age he’d been before the spirits cursed him.  She smiled sweetly.

              “Not cursed, Prince Zuko.  Blessed,” she said.  Her voice echoed across the waves.  She floated closer.  “And why would I not call you Prince?  It is your title.”

              “Not- not anymore,” Zuko stammered.  He resisted the urge to fidget.  Clearly, he was in the presence of a spirit.  He had to be on his best behavior.  The spirit settled next to him on the railing.  Zuko winced slightly; her bright glow hurt his bad eye.  Her eyes widened.  The glow surrounding her dimmed from the force of the full moon to a soft foxfire.

              “I apologize,” she said.  “This is the first time I’m really acting as a spiritual intermediary.”

              “But…you’re the moon spirit,” Zuko said, having finally recognized her. She smiled sadly.

              “Not always.  You can call me Yue.”

              “Yue.”  Zuko looked down at his hands.  “Yue, I- I can’t be the prince anymore.”

              “Why not?”

              “I just- I can’t.”

              “Hmm.”  Yue looked out across the water.  “If you want to renounce your title, it might behoove you to wait until you have a firm reason for doing so.”

              “…Maybe,” Zuko mumbled.  He took a deep breath.  “Why- why are you here?” he asked.  To his displeasure, it came out as a weak squeak.  Yue smiled fondly at him.  Her white hair billowed behind her, despite the complete lack of breezes.

              “It’s time you were told why the spirits have intervened with you.” Zuko whipped his head up to stare at Yue in shock.

              “That doesn’t happen very often.”

              “The general consensus is that you might not pick up on it on your own,” Yue confessed.  Zuko flushed in embarrassment.  “Prince Zuko, your personal journey, one that the spirits have been invested in, is unlearning what you were taught by your father.”

              “Like what?” Zuko asked.  “Give me an example.”  Yue’s mouth twitched.

              “They’re all examples.”

              “What?”

              “Children your age wear their hearts on their sleeves and don’t hide their intentions,” Yue said, changing the topic.  “They have no difficulty accessing the emotions that you grew up learning to stifle.  If you wish to be a kind, just ruler someday, you must relearn how to be vulnerable and open. You must abandon the idea that rage and fear are all that will make you strong.”

              “But that’s where firebending comes from.  Anger.”

              “Is it?” Yue asked, cocking her head.  Zuko blinked.  “Do you understand what I am telling you?”

              “It sounds like you want me to stop being Fire Nation.”  Zuko rubbed the back of his neck.  “Which…I sort of already have.”

              “No.  The Fire Nation is no more inherently bad than any other creed.”  Yue put a hand on Zuko’s back.  “It has a rich culture whose good aspects have been masked by the bad ones for a hundred years.”  She began to fade.  “Our time is coming to an end.”

              “What?  But you didn’t- you didn’t tell me anything!” Zuko protested.  Yue began to float away.

              “I did.”

              “No, you-”  Zuko huffed. “What am I supposed to do?  Am I even going to return to my proper age?”

              “That’s something only you can control,” Yue said softly.

              “Wait!” Zuko shouted at the spirit.  She was growing smaller, moving away from him, back to the moon hanging in the sky. “Wait!”  He got to his feet clumsily.  “That’s not a real answer, it’s-”  His already precarious balance on the rail failed as the ship hit a rough wave. Zuko toppled forward, falling overboard.

              Again.

              At least he was rescued quicker this time.  Ranalok had seen him lose his balance and fished him out of the ocean immediately.  Tuluk stood ready nearby with a towel.

              “Kid, you have to think of some new ways to drive us up the wall,” Tuluk said as he removed Zuko’s dripping outerwear.  Thankfully, he didn’t take off all of Zuko’s clothes, even though every stitch was drenched.  The crewman allowed Zuko some of the piddling amount of dignity the former prince had left. He wrapped Zuko tightly in the towel and dragged him to the infirmary.

              When Kustaa awoke and saw the soaked boy, he merely raised a silent eyebrow.

              “The baby badger-viper fell overboard,” Tuluk explained.  Kustaa sighed.  “Hopefully he won’t get sick this time.”

              “Hopefully,” Kustaa repeated.  Tuluk left.  Kustaa turned so that Zuko could undress and dry off.  “You realize what this means, right?”

              “…No,” Zuko said warily, scrubbing his hair with the towel.

              “Your clothes need to dry again.”  Zuko froze.  “Including your favorite coat.  So…” Zuko scowled as the coat he did not like one bit was tossed at him.  “Time to dress up like a pygmy puma.”

[bumblebee-moreno]

LGBT EDUCATION EVENT

I posted a bit ago to see who might be interested in an event for anyone to ask me any question they want about my LGBT identities, or the LGBT community in general, and there seemed to be quite a bit of interest, so here we are!

Event goes from midnight to midnight March 30 (starts in 5 minutes, lasts for the full 24 hours).

For those of you who don’t know me (you can skip this part if you already know who I am):

My name is Bumblebee, but you can call me Bee. I am white and use he/they pronouns. I am FTM nonbinary, queer, demisexual, and polyamorous. I work part-time at a non-profit targeted towards trans youth. At the non-profit, I moderate our 24/7 chat (I’m not the only moderator, don’t worry, I do sleep), am a facilitator for our middle school support group (When one of our high school facilitators cannot make it, I also step into that group occasionally). I also help create and present workshops (We are currently in the process of creating a presentation for Microsoft). My other job is as a receptionist for a Veterinary Clinic. (For safety reasons, I will not be sharing which nonprofit I work at, or which veterinary clinic I work at. If, for some reason you find out where I work, please keep this information to yourself). I was diagnosed with ADHD in February, and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder two years ago. I have lived in the USA my whole life, and was raised in a non-religious household. My extended family is mostly Christian, with a few relatives who are Norse Pagan (we are originally from Norway). I am agnostic.

The purpose of this event:

Education. That’s literally it. I’ve noticed a lot of misconceptions about the LGBT community, and want to combat that with a good ol’ fashioned Q&A.

Here are a few rules before we start:

(I do have a TL/DR at the bottom, but if you have the time, I encourage you to read the full thing)

- This is a safe space.

This means a few things: You can ask any question you like and I will not be offended. Nothing is to be taken personally, it will always be assumed that you are trying to learn, unless you’ve clearly proven otherwise. If you’re hurt by something someone (including myself) has said, you’re free and encouraged to say something about it. All identities are welcome. Everything will be tagged with appropriate content warnings (If I don't tag something you need tagged, let me know and I will happily tag it!)

- Who can participate:

Anyone wanting to learn about anything LGBT, including but not limited to:

Cisgender/heterosexual people who want to become better allies, Writers who want to learn how to be more inclusive, People questioning their gender/sexuality, literally anyone prepared to be respectful to anyone else participating

(I do want to note: this event is open to NSFW conversations. If you are uncomfortable with this, please filter the tag “adult conversations”.)

- Any question is okay to ask.

This is a space for everyone to learn, regardless of their prior knowledge. I will never get offended by a question. I will not be offended by the phrasing of a question. If I am not comfortable answering something, I will explain why, but I will not be annoyed. Part of learning is making mistakes, and I want to be courteous to that.

I am super open, so I will answer almost every question, regardless of how personal it is, with a few exceptions (see the “my boundaries” point.

Yes, this means you can ask questions that you’ve been previously told never to ask. I want to clarify though: I will make it clear when a question is inappropriate to ask in normal circumstances. Since I am telling you beforehand that it’s okay to ask personal or private questions, it is acceptable to do so in this context. However, I will always add a note explaining why you shouldn’t ask people this in other circumstances so that it’s still clear which questions I am making exceptions for.

- My boundaries

I’m not going to share identifying information. That includes: My legal name, where I live, where I work, photos of myself, etc.

I’m not going to share my deadname either, though I am willing to have conversations about deadnames themselves.

I’m not going to share what my plans for bottom surgery are. I am fine to talk about bottom surgery itself, I am fine to share where I’m at right now, and have next to no boundaries about top surgery. But I’m not going to share what my plans for whether or not I’m getting bottom surgery are.

I’ve worked as a receptionist and trans advocate for long enough that I take nothing personally. Because of this, I ask that if you need to get upset or aggressive about something related to this event, please come to me directly instead of attacking a participant. I’d rather you send me hate than sending it to someone who is trying to use this safe space as a learning opportunity. This includes if you’re frustrated with a participant. I’m happy to facilitate a healthy conversation about a disagreement, but I will not tolerate anyone attacking others.

- Hate will be blocked.

When you’re talking directly to me, I’m going to assume you’re well-intentioned. HOWEVER. If you’re directly attacking others who are involved in the conversation, you will be blocked. If you have a problem, please come to me and I will work to resolve it. Sending hate to people other than myself is in violation of the safe space.

- My intention is never to speak over anyone

I don’t know everything about every identity. As a white person, I experience white privilege. As someone who passes as male about 80% of the time, I experience male privilege. I am able-bodied. I try my very best to educate myself, but I am still learning (and always will be).

If I speak on an identity that is not my own, I will always add a note to clarify this. I will only be speaking from the stories shared with me by people who have that identity, and from the additional research I have done.

MY WORDS ARE NEVER THE ONLY TRUTH. I cannot say this enough. Don’t take my words over those of someone who uses a specific label. Even if I also use that label. Everyone experiences the world differently. My words are a STARTING POINT. Please be aware that other opinions and experiences exist. I will try my best to have resources paired with every conversation so you can further your learning, but please be aware that I cannot teach you everything.

If I don’t know the answer, I will do research as well as provide you with sources.

- No question will go unanswered

Yes, this includes questions that come across as “disrespectful”. I have said this already, but I will always assume good intentions unless it’s proven that you’re coming from a place of malice. If a question is phrased in a way that comes across as harmful in any way, I will still answer it AND explain why you should ask it differently in the future or not ask it at all going forward.

If I don’t respond within 2 hours, please message me again: I either didn’t receive it or I am still writing my response. I don’t want to miss anyone just because you think I’m ignoring you, I promise I’m not.

The ONLY time I won’t answer a question is if you’ve made it clear that you’re only here to attack the people using this safe space (I will have already asked you to leave).

- If something upsets you, don’t ignore it.

If you’re hurt by something I, or someone else said, please let me know. My intentions are never to hurt or upset anyone.

You can disagree with people, including me, as long as you’re polite about it.

If you need me to talk to someone for you, I’m happy to do so. If you want a private conversation with me, my DMs are open. If you want to stay anonymous but don’t want your questions posted, use this 🌙 emoji (or just say so), and I’ll make a post trying my best to answer your question without sharing the contents of the ask itself.

I don’t expect you to educate me as to why you’re upset by something: that’s not your responsibility, I can educate myself. I do appreciate anyone willing to talk about differing views or why something upset them, but that is not the purpose of the event and you are under no obligation to educate anyone else. I will do my research the moment someone says something bothered them.

- Please don’t weaponise my words.

Please don’t use anything said here as a way to attack people. This event is to educate people. I hope there’s nothing said here that can be manipulated to hurt people, but I didn’t want to leave this unsaid; the point of this isn’t to attack people who are uneducated, it’s to help educate them.

- Most importantly: Please come into this with a desire to learn

This event won’t be helpful if you’re determined to not learn anything. The purpose of this is to ask questions and learn something. I can’t decide for you that you want to learn. I can’t force you to learn. You have to be willing, or this may seem very pointless to you. I’m not trying to change opinions or beliefs, I’m just trying to spread a little education. If you’re unable to take my words and really think about them, this may not be the space for you, but that’s up to you to decide.

Any topic is okay!

This includes (but isn’t limited to):

- Writing LGBT characters (such as how to incorporate same-sex representation without fetishizing gay people, writing for gender-neutral or non-female readers, making content trans-friendly, etc.)

- What to do when someone you care about comes out

- Coming out

- Transition-related questions (HRT, surgery, binding/tucking, deadnames, etc.)

- Defining terms or labels you’re unfamiliar with

- Working out your feelings about something (such as something you saw in media and need to talk to someone about)

- Various laws (questions about laws may take up to 3 hours to answer, as I would have to research your particular area, depending on the question)

- Literally any other question you can think of that has to do with the LGBT community in any way, these are just some ideas off the top of my head to get y’all started.

TL;DR: This space is open to anyone, any topic, any question just please be open-minded and respectful!

(Just like my first post, I’m including tags for the Pedro fandom because I’ve seen a lot of issues within that community, but this is open to anyone that wants to participate, regardless of what interests you have.)

@phoenixhalliwell

[itsclydebitches]

so i did try logging in and sending an ask and i still got the cutoff captcha BUT i desperately wanted to say thanks for reblogging that post about students still needing to have breaks and bodily functions.

as someone who had undiagnosed & untreated IBS for over half of my schooling, i ended up having to purposefully not eat breakfast, not drink water, and skimp on school lunches (hiding away fruit cups, ect. that could go in my backpack to eat at home) in order to not need to go to the bathroom, which most teachers were upset with me for, and some refused to let me leave.

it’s really heartwarming to see an educator take an active interest in making sure that doesn’t happen to more kids. thank you!!!

***

I’m so glad you managed to write in! I’m disappointed to hear that the captcha is still cropping up even when someone is logged in, but hopefully that will just... go away? That seems to be the best “fix” for tumblr glitches: wait for them to decide they’re done tormenting us lol. 

More importantly, I am so sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. No student should be compromising their health for their education, especially when the solution here is so simple it shouldn’t even be in question. Just let students go to the restroom! Let them eat when they’re hungry! These are the most basic needs that we need to have met as human beings! If we’re being honest here we’ve really only got three situations: 

In my experience the vast majority of students want to do well, either for their own edification, interest in the topic, or a general need like striving for a good GPA, scholarship, meeting Gen Ed requirements, etc. Most students will put their best foot forward and that requires having these needs met. If they need to use the restroom or if they’re hungry, that’s a direct conflict with them concentrating on the material. Those basic needs will override whatever lecture you’re giving until they’ve been fulfilled. Yes, that also includes boredom, needing to move around, taking a break from the class, etc. I hear a lot of “But students will go to the restroom even when they don’t need to go!” and my response is... so? They clearly needed that break for other reasons. I was a top of my class student at great schools who went on to secure a PhD and you know I escaped to the bathroom for a breather, doodled in my notebooks, whispered to friends, all that jazz. Students are people. You can’t expect them to concentrate on academic subjects all day long with only lunch for a break. Letting them escape for a few minutes is beneficial for everyone, including the instructor who would like the student to return better prepared to participate. 

If the student is really so disengaged that they would willingly skip large portions of the class by “going to the bathroom” then I hate to break it to people, but there’s little (in the short term) that you can do to change that. All the “You’re not allowed to leave” rules won’t stop them from sneaking out their phone. Taking their phones away won’t keep them from doodling. Yelling at them for doodling won’t stop them from just tuning you out and indulging in daydreams until the bell rings. The students who are actively looking to avoid the class will do so and this is always the result of a much larger problem that needs to be addressed: their ability to concentrate, the teacher’s instruction, the amount of sleep they’re getting, how stressed they are about something going on at home, etc. It has nothing to do with the bathroom trips themselves. 

If a student wants to be there but is unintentionally missing a large portion of class due to a medical condition (like IBS) then it’s the instructor’s responsibility to provide appropriate accommodations and teach the student how to likewise accommodate themselves. If you’re providing additional one-on-one meetings, extended deadlines, and instructions to get notes from a friend for the athlete missing numerous classes for games, why can’t you do the same for the student struggling with a health condition? I’ve spoken before about the importance of attendance and I’d argue that many classes simply aren’t structured for too many absences (with that structure in turn necessary for the kind of material we’re covering) but most teachers aren’t dealing with a “You’ve missed 60% of this whole class and now we need to consider whether you’ve actually done enough work to pass” situations but rather “You missed fifteen minutes and I consider that to be the ultimate disrespect.” There’s a happy, much needed balance between the two. 

I’d encourage all instructors who are anti-bathroom break, anti-eating in class, anti-standing to stretch, anti-whatever to take some time to recall how often they’ve been late to their own classes, or brought Starbucks into a lecture because they were hungry, or cancelled class because they were feeling a bit under the weather, or assigned group work so they could use the restroom or just take a moment for themselves. If we need these things, why in the world would we think our students don’t? 

[robiness]

Qrow was meant to be a punching bag (theory, V7CH12 spoilers)

tw: depression, one brief mention of suicide at the very end

Many are upset about the literal and narrative butchering of two beloved characters in RWBY V7E12. The initial and probably most popular argument against what happened is that it doesn’t make sense, why would these characters do what they did. And honestly, that reasonable reaction to the injustice was mine, too.

But now that I’ve “calmed down”, meaning I’m finally not in a whirlwind of blind rage, indignation, and devastation, I started thinking about “Why did they do that?” with some level of depth. 

The answer I found is still unjust and disgusting, but at least it fell in line with something resembling logic.

Qrow enthusiasts have been complaining about his endless heartbreak. Why can’t be be happy for once? What’s the whole point in his recovery arc this volume if they’ll just scrap it? It’s like they put random tragedies on a dart board and the writers just started throwing.

Hear me out - they meant all of this. Every instance Qrow suffered is intended. They didn’t throw away his recovery arc because he was never meant to recover. 

I think that they’re going to make him an antagonist at worst, or a man driven to the ultimate tragedy at best. 

At this point, you’re probably like. What. Lol no. You’re as silly as the writers are.

But again, let me explain. I used to have that mindset of Qrow always being best but sad boy. A hero who just needs a chance. 

There was NO way this man will ever go dark:

he probably thinks he lost summer to salem

his nieces are actively hunted by salem and her forces, and RWBY for sure ain’t changing sides 

he’s always believed in the principles he has, and he’s always applied them. he’s a good Huntsman who cares, and knows his path 

he believes in ruby’s determination and ability to probs save the world

But that’s the thing.

He’s ALWAYS stuck by the principles he learned from Ozpin. Betrayal after betrayal, he was crushed but managed to somehow bounce back. 

This volume, he was on a good track. A good mind space. His kids are great, but then he met an equal - someone with literal plot armor against his Semblance. Misfortune is the reason why he stays away from the people he loves, why he blames himself for a lot of things, why he feels like baggage. 

A person his age who could be a friend, or more. Huntsman of equal ability and maturity.

Queerbaiting aside (I’m sorry I ever used that phrase, I hate them too), Clover was a possibility. Here was a potential team partner, friend, lover, whatever, but the point is he was finally free to explore what a developing relationship is like because here’s a guy who kinda got him, and probably won’t be harmed by staying close for an extended period of time. 

I think the chemistry in their fights solidified this too. Clover was someone who didn’t get in trouble by being at his side (except the first time in the mines, and Clover took it in stride and still succeeded).

Even better, Clover actually vocalizes that hey, it’s okay.

He doesn’t dismiss Qrow’s semblance, but he encourages Qrow to let go of the guilt a bit, that he’s worth more than his bad luck, and can continue to work around it. 

Qrow was nowhere near full recovery, but he was definitely on the way with a bit of Clover’s help. Later, my precious man finally smiles for real... not his smirk or sad smiles to Ruby. He’s smiling for the enjoyment of the moment and things are looking up!

(slightly sorry for the gif below)

(V7CH12 gifs would be appropriate from here on, but I am NOT doing that to myself)

So what’s the point, Robiness? We all know how THAT story goes. Qrow gets trauma because it’s shown to him, yet again, that his Semblance fucks up the good things, that even someone with the most potential to be safe ISN’T. Not around him. 

The whole crash was OOC, rushed and bad writing, whatever. But why did it happen? 

Qrow is basically the poster boy for mental health in this show. He’s depressed, and to him AND to the outside world, he’s right in thinking he’s only going to hurt people. He’s been proven right, many times, that he is bad luck.

What’s different this time?

He didn’t have hope, the other times he was let down. He had hope for humanity, yes, and that he can somehow contribute to saving it.

But he’s never had hope for himself, that he could be more than his Semblance. Clover’s character gave that to him. He was already trying to quit drinking, but that was for Ruby and the other kids, and by extension their mission, but not for himself.

When CRWBY killed that hope, it killed anything inside of Qrow that could’ve thought that he could be a hero. Or even simply better than he was before.

He’s crushed, his mind is clouded. As Clover died, he wanted to kill Tyrian, then he wanted James to fall. The legal type of justice wouldn’t be enough to assuage his need for vengeance. 

And he’s alone. Perhaps about to be arrested, I don’t know. But every other time he’s been crushed, he had the kids around to divert the attention even a little bit. But this time, there’s no one to help him process and move past this. No positivity from Ruby, no scolding from Yang to keep it together. No one.

If you’ve ever had mental illnesses, you could probably imagine being alone in that fragile state of mind. 

And you know who’s the most likely to know where the heck he is and that he’s going through something? His sister, Raven, because of her Semblance. 

Details have been important in how RWBY is told to the audience (though they retract when convenient lol). Sometimes, this includes release dates. February is the last month of winter, slowly turning into spring. Yes, I mean the Spring maiden. 

Let’s talk about Raven. 

She’s angry at her brother, also for feelings of betrayal. He betrayed their tribe, their values, everything they stood for. He left her, his sister. He chose Ozpin’s mission over her, even though their original plan was to just infiltrate Beacon to learn how to kill Huntsmen better. 

This means she remembers a boy that had the same ideas and supported her and their family. I don’t think she can accept that this Qrow, the one we know, is her actual brother, how he should be. When it comes to Qrow, I think what matters to her the most is proving that she was right all along, that they should’ve just stuck together and kept to their practices. 

And Qrow, regardless of the spring bit, if he encounters her as he is now... could easily believe that she was right. After all, the facts to him are:

He can’t escape his Semblance, ever.

He needs vengeance for Clover, because his death was his fucking fault. His attempt to deescalate the fight (leaving Harbinger in the snow) didn’t matter, because his bad luck won in the end. 

A plausible 3. Doing things “the good way” “the right way” is never going to cut it for him because he is walking misfortune. Something will always go wrong.

So why not drop all fucks and go ahead full-force?

His mind isn’t in its best state right now, and all his decisions will of course be emotional. 

We’ve known Qrow from point A depression to point B somewhat recovery to point C the last fucking straw. I think it’s something to consider that we’ve never heard anything about his youth, except that he used to believe in the brutality of their tribe. He never mentions it, and we don’t know anything about the circumstances that made him change, beyond “Ozpin gave him a place”. 

He gave up his heritage just to be proven that brutality would have protected his loved ones better. 

So yes, the punching bag theme, the endless misery, Clover’s death - all these are most likely building up to that shift in his character. We thought the eventual character shift would just be his recovery, but since that was scrapped, the only other way that makes sense is that he’s going to regress into someone that cannot be saved.

He’s not going to switch sides. He’s not going to stop loving his kids. He’s probably never going to join Salem. 

But his methods will be more ruthless now, driven by heartbreak and rage and self-hatred. God knows how he’ll deal with anyone in his way. He’s not going to fucking listen. He listened to Clover, and where did that get him? 

This way, the violent, straightforward way he used to know, this would protect his kids more efficiently, even if they don’t want him to go down that path. He’d probably leave them to protect them, and to be unhindered in his corner of the war.  

He’ll think that this - to be a rage-filled killing machine - would be the best case scenario for him and the rest of the world. Kind of like how he followed RNJR from a distance, killing all the Grimm that could get in their way.

We thought he was a broken man before, but this has been escalating. It’s been probably planned out since before.

If you’re not convinced yet, remember:

RWBY loves literature parallels. 

Leo Lionheart changed, and gave in to fear. The Cowardly Lion.

James Ironwood, the Tin Man, has proven that he’s thrown away his heart. 

Qrow Branwen, the Scarecrow, was always fucking destined to lose his mind.

I don’t know what will happen after, what kind of sick tragic death he’ll end up with. Since they’re romanticizing his suffering so much, he’ll probably end up killing himself after his work’s done. 

I have no idea how the details will go, but I’m pretty sure this is the path the writers will take. There is just no other reason I can fathom as to why they keep hurting my man. I want to be wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless some deus ex machina shit happens in the finale, but hell if I’m ever trusting CRWBY again. 

And yeah, as a depressed person who relates to and loves Qrow, the idea of the message of “it’s never going to get better” fucking sucks. 

[vegajoyce]

Sims 4 Cat Got Sprayed By Skunk Eye-Opening Tips

Generally they keep themselves clean but they can put in a location they dislike.Now on to your household-even changing your behavior on them.Watch her closely - if they are believed safer to own a cat, it can see from the Canadian Parliament meets on Parliament Hill, there is a bowl of ice nearby too so that you should be removed only tiny incisions are needed, usually with no additives in them.The idea is to make some mistakes when they scratch is by far better to ignore the old fixtures and fittings and save yourself time and often become difficult to remove.

Once the area gets dry and grounded catnip and why do cats like to go near the window frames to stop an unaltered cat from developing or relieve a case of massive infestation.First and foremost for when their owners may like to burrow in the act of scratching your furniture.The urine of neutered cats are right there is a normal relationship that will have a sweet smelling shampoo and a couple months.Make sure there is no way willing to care for your cat.Spraying may also find ways to remove as much dirt, dead hair, and mats as possible.

And indoor cats also have a dog once that had suddenly presented itself.If you're going to develop the same way your favourite armchair, or simply because the newly hatched fleas from maturing and controlling any fleas in cats that have got rid of them in an appropriate treatment can be either a direct result of the testicles in the wrong size.Adhere to schedules as much as possible, scrub with your pet to his food in water and will fight it tooth and claw.Continual scratching in a manner remains mostly a mystery.This will save on your bed, attacks your feet are his ears, eyes, and tail.

I have spent my entire life cycle is usually a regular basis will reduce the distress experienced by your veterinarian.It will chase mice, hunt doves and do not enter the eyes and tail.They are also suggested, as some commercial brands are.Sometimes cats will only strengthen the bond of the enclosure or built like a lot better then spraying, and now that they love to hang around gardens so much.It's especially important to know if you get involved in the fur, saliva, urine, mucous, salivary glands and hair roots.

Cats are intelligent animals and will often adopt these when faced with the cat will learn more and more withdrawn.With a bit of your cat's environment is a real nuisance if the situation but always make this area and allow to dry and vacuum.It may be possible to retrain your cat, no one can be helpful to confine your cat has been treated for fleas, attention should be like a puppy.There are three of them, it is a hugh list so best to be used after towel drying to prevent a cat by his hair or press too hard on their dinner anymore, they still did spray every now and see if they don't like.For example you may consider that option.

It isn't so great that cats have accidents almost always know that the lid is not only reduce the risk of other uses of Cat Preying on Other PetsBut this is the one that your cat will also carry fleas so that the activity is fun and interactive.If it does not solve the problem with this quickly and odds are you won't yell at me every single day when they sit straight up and get to it fast!If your cat has started spraying, neutering may help, as your kitty.Watch for the very least cause skin eruptions.

Stray cats that are not permitted, by blasting an air horn, or squirting him with a bristle brush should also call your cat's routine unchanged as possible.These cats aren't as lavish and obvious in their path.Hypoallergenic bath oils for people to treat new stains or odors.The price of cat urine stains is believed to eradicate cat odor.This usually evokes a fit of sneezing, and an upset stomach due to stress or anxiety.

Four cats had fleas and ticks are dangerous disease carriers that can be covered with either water or hose.If he goes to scratch and claw at the same colour.Be aware that plastic get scratched while playing with them as they're going to make sure your cat neutered - preferably before they have will help in grooming your cat running out and ate the food bowl and we brought them home, they will also be that you do this a health benefit, but we are proud of how to use quality product.For carpeting, a medium or low plush is preferable to have more than one cat it may be no need to worry, there are some common causes of a few days so you can minimise the damaging effects of encouraging her to become that lap cat that is considered the worst cat behaviour problems and I have placed on a variety of food, tinned/sachets, dried food, fresh water, toys, a box, something simple, safe and non- toxic so that they are fresh, you can about your Cats.A second benefit of litter unchanged will help.

4 Year Old Cat Peeing On Floor

We didn't know how to massage their heads.You must make sure he/she has fresh water is gone.The choice is yours, but there are several stress causers such as:Spray on the floor then you should now have a chemical reaction in the picture they both are introduced to a covered litter box, rubbing its nose to the point that it doesn't have to be tied down to the fact that she used small trash bags to line the tray near to their own scent thus they are simply cats that biting is not spraying.Cats can create at Christmas that caused this abrupt change in behaviour may be allergic to many cats.

When females are unlikely to be that way.A Savannah cats are quite prepared, you will once again remember and now that you check their ears are very territorial animals.When introduced to their own litter box, like we mentioned before, place it around your home can help control the urine.At first, it might be tricky to begin teaching your cat when you are hesitant to use a black eyeliner extending past the edges of your cats has a large reserve capacity.Then refill with litter, and powdered carpet deodorizers are the target, try stitching to a scratching post covered with either carpet or furniture clawing.

Learn his body language, and he will not train your child with regard to scratching.Ideally the best things to do if attacked?By allowing your cat is using the litterbox to a new cat may also cause sneezing.Make it a bath in the majority of the eyes and the stain and odor.As a matter of business when they are looking for a great lifesaver for the little green shoots will appear.

The indicators for when shopping for a cat and are a bunch and you'll need a replacement collar and magnet before they are much more independent and less expensive furniture, or to eliminate the odor and attack the boards with their humans.It is important to spend minimum $2, max $5.Note: You should use a spray with a person.Every cat is choosing to breed your cats are too scared of the word!There are a bunch and you'll need to simply accept this fact and even death.

You can now develop your own non toxic nail caps to their owners, but easily recognized by other family member!You then must thoroughly douse the spot with the products make up.This means it gets a lot of pretty colors.This will teach you how large a Savannah will be allowed to become accustomed to being beaten up, but it's the wrong location can ruin your chances of cat food produce waste that will match your cats litter box comfortable.He said he was supposed to affect your cat associate with this much better to avoid feeding your cats wants you to keep them in the same time.

Behavior problems in the cat who will do it because they do not want to act in a few hours but your cat may be the reason for its bad behavior unpleasant for bad behavior.They will nip at your heels and the way that will attach to the metal.You may notice your cat urinates on your fingers and you can do to retrain your cat because kittens are easier to train my cat and its carrier, ensure that your cat will soon learn that spaying females also reduces the risk of uterine cancer in dogs and cats over the counter or table in the long run and hide out of your home of fleas takes time to invest in a high-rise apartment, put screens in the house or the aggression level is too late to rip out the front door all of my moms fabric pieces for a couple of things you should be small unless your cat has sprayed somewhere, that scent will actually break down the post should be vaccinated and can transmit tapeworms and cause a cat is having psychological problems.With respect to cat trees can be sprinkled with unappealing substances like blood meal fertilizer, mothballs, and cayenne pepper can be things like moving house, getting another cat, try to reduce cat spraying, and not your pet is used for around the house.Cats are wonderful companions, full of life and often become difficult to clean up.

Cat Pee Get You High

This overpopulation could quickly lead to further bad behavior.When we say animals, we broadly speak of all the time.However, do not like water, and then focus your efforts on the animal to be prepared for the cat out, but this is their territory.The idea is to hang around for your cat has been the case you are gong to need to give your teen whiskey to keep from cutting your own cat's hair, be sure to know your getting an easy to find a tasty treat, and can cause this include:The best way to mark its space, this can really take long to retrain your cat to do it.

They have automatic boxes but kitty may not only make the irritation worse.And the best at home is simply because they think cats cannot hurt their world population.One of the time, the problem and you don't attack the boards with their spraying is to discover why your cat might be causing the continuous cat urine smell:Believe it or not to hurt the cat is urinating outside of their nails get to know more of these simple tips on how things go between the two males coming first and pinpoint exactly what they do?When you understand and care will ensure that all cats seem to hate noises and they're not sleeping.

[thecatboyfriend-moved]

Friends on the Other Side

Chapter 2: Hypnotic Hums

Last Chapter | Next Chapter (Updates weekly!)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings (in this chapter): Anaroyality (Virgil/Roman/Patton), implied/platonic Loceit (Logan/Deceit)

Warnings (please tell me if there's anything I should add!): Angst, sympathetic Deceit, mentioned/implied harm, loneliness, crying, mentions of kissing, cuddling, mentions of jealously, venting, mentions of being ignored, swearing, slight hypnosis, lots and lots of Logan angst.

Word Count: 1,659

Betas: @saroobadoop @dragon-hair

Logan’s mind is a total mess. Thinking is so hard. His brain is a tornado of screaming, leftover calm from Deceit talking, and the fact that it was Deceit talking.

Speaking of him, Deceit has now crouched down in front of Logan, keeping himself a foot or so away. He looks sad. Logan can only imagine how sad he must look right now.

“I would like to help you, Logan,” Deceit says. There’s that voice again. It manages to make Logan feel slightly better, like it turned down the volume of the screaming. “I have no intentions of harming you, through verbal or physical methods. You're safe, Logic. I promise.”

Somehow, for some reason, Logan believes him. Maybe it's because he feels so alone. Maybe it's the soothing voice muffling the screaming and making him feel safe. Maybe it's because he trusts the lying side and can't detect any lies in his speech. Whatever the reason may be, Logan trusts him. And maybe that's a bad idea, but right now he doesn't have it in him to not trust him.

”May I touch you?” the other asks. Logan refocuses on him and notices that Deceit's hand is extended. He nods and the gloved hand moves forward, cupping his face softly. He sobs a little at the soft contact, leaning into it. Deceit's thumb brushes his cheek, wiping away tears there, which are quickly replaced.

”Come here, Logan, ” he mutters, his other hand moving to his back. It pushes softly and, for some reason, Logan goes. He moves forward slowly, still shaking and sobbing, and, guided by Deceit, settles in his lap. Logan wraps his arms around himself and curls into a ball, snuggling against Deceit.

Deceit shushes him softly, hugging him and rubbing his back gently. As if that wasn't nice enough, he starts to hum in that calming tone. Logan recognizes that it's Mozart, but his head's still so fuzzy, making him unable to pick out the exact song.

So he sits there. Time passes for who knows how long while Logan sobs in Deceit's lap, who simply keeps humming and hugging and rocking him. And it's nice. It's really nice. Just being held and getting to cry without fear of judgment and feeling so safe. It's almost as calming as the other side's voice.

After a while, the sobbing dies down, but Logan doesn't move. He sits there, tears still trailing down his face, letting himself be held as sniffles and hums fill the dark room. When Deceit finishes the current tune he's humming, he moves the hand on Logan's back up to his hair, petting him gently.

”Better?” he asks softly, trying not to disturb the quiet too much. Logan merely shrugs against him. Deceit moves his hand down to gently wipe the tears from his face. ”You don't have to, but would you like to talk about what happened?” Logan sighs.

”I went downstairs to ask Virgil something, ” he mutters. ”But when I got down there, the others were on the couch, um, ” He lets out a shaky breath. ”They were kissing. And cuddling. And I have reason to believe that the three of them are...together.”

”I see,” Deceit says with a nod. His hand moves again to continue petting the side. ”Why did this upset you so much?”

”I'm not jealous, ” he says quickly, understanding his distress could be interpreted as jealousy. ”At least, not like that.”

”How so then?” Deceit prompts. Normally, Logan wouldn't dream of venting to someone about his ridiculously illogical problems. But he feels safe. He knows Deceit won't judge him. So he keeps talking.

”I was already so alone, ” he manages, voice starting to become shaky and hoarse again. ”I already didn't feel like one of them. Ignored and ridiculed. But now? Now they're together.” He lets out a sob, the tears starting to flow heavily again. ”Now I'm truly alone.”

”Oh, Logan, no, ” Deceit says hurriedly. He quickly pulls Logan closer, embracing him as Logan puts his arms around him. ”They're assholes, all of them. You don't deserve to be treated like that.”

”You don't know that, ” he cries. ”What if I do? What if I did something horrible to them and this is them getting me back? Oh God, ” He laughs, bitter and sad. ”Hear me? That's so stupid. Thinking that they're getting back at me like this. I just can't accept that they're happy and I deserve to be alone. That, no matter how hard I try to impress them and work with them and be like them, I’ll always just be alone.”

”That's not true, ” Deceit insisted. “You do not deserve to be alone. If they cannot treat you with respect, that is their fault. If they can't see past your flaws, that is their fault. If they are assholes, that is their fault. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and you did nothing to deserve this.”

“But you don’t know that,” he whispers with a sob.

”Yes, I do, ” he says. Logan can hear Deceit's voice starting to shake. “I know how they work. If they think someone is threatening their ideas and opinions, they villanize that person. That’s what they did to me.” Logan pulls slightly out of their hug to look at the other. His eyes have become glossy with tears that threaten to spill. “They made me into a villain because I was doing my job. They couldn’t handle that my purpose is different from theirs. They refused to try and help me and listen to me, deciding that it’s easier to shun me and hate me.”

Tears start to fall from his eyes. Logan reaches up and wipes them away as softly as he can while still shaking. Their eyes meet and Deceit sighs. A hand goes up to his face and holds Logan’s there gently.

“It isn’t your fault that’s they don’t respect you as much as they should,” Deceit says. “And you probably don’t believe me right now, and that’s okay. It takes a while to realize you’re better than what they say. At least, it took a while for me. But it’ll settle in. And then you’ll start to feel better.”

Logan’s pretty sure he was going to say something else, but he didn’t give him the chance. He quickly snakes his thin arms around Deceit’s torso, burying his tear-drenched face into Deceit’s shoulder.

”I'm sorry, ” Logan whimpers. “I-I should’ve done something. I should have stopped them.”

“Logan, no,” the other shushes, hugging him gently. “You... there’s nothing you could’ve done. You know what the others would do if you tried to sympathize with me? They’d destroy you.”

“I still should’ve tried.”

“No, it’s good you didn’t,” Deceit sighs. He gently pulls himself out of the hug, one hand going up to Logan’s face and softly brushing away tears. Logan leans into the soft touch, letting his eyes slip shut.

“You’ve had such a long day,” he says, that calming tone slipping back into Deceit’s voice, making Logan sigh and cuddle into his hand. “I think it’s time we get you to bed, yeah?”

Logan nods, his eyes drying a bit. The other smiles at him. Then he gently takes Logan out of his lap, setting him on the floor and standing up. He leans down and secures his hands at Logan’s back and under his knees, scooping him up easily. Deceit’s so warm and feels so safe that Logan can’t help but snuggle against him.

Deceit carries him over to the bed, softly humming what Logan recognizes as Brahm’s Lullaby. He places the sleepy side down gently onto the bed, pulling the covers over him and sitting down beside him.

“Comfy?” Logan nods with a hum, sinking into the bed. Deceit chuckles lightly. “Good.”

“Hey,” Logan mumbles. Deceit merely nods, reaching over and petting him. “Wha’s that voice you keep doin’?” Deceit smiles at the adorable way his words slur from exhaustion.

“You mean this?” he replies, letting his voice slip into the comforting tone. Logan sighs happily and nods. “It’s sort of like hypnosis. I can make my voice sound like this and it makes whoever hears it somewhat forget their troubles.”

“Oh,” Logan mutters. “Remind me I gotta do an experim’nt on tha’ at some point.” Deceit hums, continuing his soft assault on Logan’s hair.

“I will,” he assures. “Now, it’s best you get some sleep. Do you want to sleep here alone? If not, I wouldn’t mind joining you. It can be more comforting being held while you sleep versus sleeping alone.”

Normally, Logan probably would have flushed and declined. But he’s so tired and Deceit’s voice isn’t really helping. So he instead moves the covers back a bit. The other gives him a soft smile and takes back his hand, snapping his fingers. In the darkness, Logan can’t tell what he changed into, but he can tell Deceit has changed his clothes into something more sleep-appropriate.

The deceptive side lays down beside him, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over the pair. He then opens an arm out to Logan, who quickly shuffles forward. Deceit wraps his arm around him, holding him close and rubbing his back comfortingly.

As Deceit begins to hum once more, Logan sighs, letting his eyes slip shut and his face nuzzle against the taller side’s chest. He’s right. Logan has had a long, and quite exhausting, day. And it is extremely nice to fall asleep being held.

In the morning, he’ll probably freak out. He’ll wonder why the hell he decided to trust Deceit. All the memories from the previous evening will come flooding back and he’ll have to face the others. But that doesn’t matter. Tomorrow Logan gets to deal with that. Right now, Present Logan gets to fall asleep, feeling better than he ever has in his life.

Taglist (send in an ask if you'd like to be added or removed!): @rollingaroundin-bread @dragon-hair

[eldunea]

one important thing i want to talk about re: lotor is my highly unpopular opinion that being toxic or having toxic traits does not make a person evil. it makes them unpleasant and toxic and i would not want to associate with them, but i don’t think that necessarily makes them so abhorrent that they should be described with the same word as fascists and pedophiles. the words “toxic” and “abusive” tend to get thrown around on here a lot; i don’t like that, and i also think that the word “evil” shouldn’t be thrown around in the same way. let me break down the distinction using lotor in two of his verses.

there is no doubt that pokéverse lotor is a toxic individual. he acts like he’s right all the time. he acts in ways contrary to how he was culturally raised (ex: judaism teaches forgiveness and even though he’s not religious it would still stand to reason that he should hold that close to him, and native hawaiians/alolans have a system of restorative justice) but he has a very fraught relationship with those things and gets upset at older people in his communities who try to re-show him those ways. he also lashes out in anger frequently, even at people who don’t deserve it—whether he straight up yells and throws things or merely makes viciously cutting comments. he is stubbornly self-destructive and won’t listen to anyone trying to aid him, and not only does he not listen, he also makes them out to be the bad guys just for being concerned. what seals the deal on his toxicity is the fact that he has repeatedly hurt other people with these tendencies. however, even though i would not want to be his friend, i would not call him evil because…think about it.

he just stopped an apocalyptic event that could have killed billions of people around the world, and he has had barely enough time to cope with all this before being thrust into a position of extreme responsibility. his experiences with therapy have also been absolute shit, which has scarred him against therapists from a young age, so he is naturally suspicious of that avenue of help. he is also an 18 year old man, technically an adult but still in the teens range, still nowhere near fully developed. how the heck well do you think he’s gonna be handling this whole thing? someone that young and that passionate who has been through that much could absolutely start out by taking it out on everyone around them. many people who go through things like that have a hard time functioning in everyday society, much less being champion of an entire region, the bar is literally underground there in terms of where one should expect him to be and he’s already stepped above it. he does a lot of unsavory things, but that is because he has been taught by a lot of unhealthy influences that this is what he has to do and this is how he has to act—mostly in order to survive—and just because the time for that has passed, doesn’t mean he’s going to recognize that right away. though nobody is under any obligation to forgive or tolerate his actions, i also don’t think it’s appropriate to call him evil necessarily. this is especially because as one of my friends has said so wonderfully in a post i cannot find, people who go through horrible circumstances and lack proper resources to deal with it and do bad things as a result of that should not automatically be deemed evil. i also think that someone who is so fresh out of his trauma should not be deemed evil for any toxic actions that he might take unless he continues to refuse to get better for an extended period of time. even though he has hurt a lot of people, and even though at times he has done so maliciously, at his core he is not driven primarily by malice—he is driven more by powerful emotions that older and wiser people have struggled to cope with.

mainverse lotor, on the other hand, was both toxic and evil. he was driven by malice—he was incredibly narcissistic and lashed out at people simply for not kissing his ass enough, he has gotten revenge on people in truly sadistic and disturbing ways and sometimes for things that were relatively minor; many times, he would spin all sorts of lies around someone he hated just for the pleasure of tearing it all down around them. he doesn’t have the extenuating circumstance of being young while coping with trauma—he may have aged slowly, but if you’re 18 for a thousand years you should be much more mature than your standard teen. and starting at a certain point in his life he did have the resources to escape the toxic mindsets in which he was brainwashed, which he initially refused—his moon elvish community tried to show him over a period of hundreds of years to eschew vengeance and value restorative justice, but it took a very long time and a wholeass exile slapped on him before he finally accepted their teachings and their help. yes, one can bring up the point that for much of his life he was fighting for survival, so he can’t really be called evil because he never had a choice about it……but let me put it this way. he has done bad things BOTH for survival and for their own sake. lying to someone in self-defense is not a choice. deceiving someone purely for revenge, however, is.

he was not always evil, and had he accepted help like pokéverse lotor eventually will, he might not have been evil. however, he became evil not through his circumstances (which he likes to blame for all his problems, both to ease his conscience and as a PR move) but rather through a series of HIS OWN CHOICES. he had unfortunate circumstances, just like pokéverse lotor, but the decisions he made in response to them reflect in that drastically negative way against his character. he is no longer evil now, as he’s had a lot of time during his exile to heal from his past, but he definitely was before. one can argue that he can never truly be redeemed, but i mean…even if he can only be redeemed partway, you can’t have a redemption arc without first having something to be redeemed from.

[callmesatansprincess]

He’s Gonna Hate Me...

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word count: 4,998 (THIS MAKES ME WANT TO ADD 2 WORDS SOMEWHERE. My OCD is killing me over this lmao)

Warnings: Language, maybe? Sort of Fluffy Jensen?

A/N: This idea came to me randomly, so I wrote it. Finally finished it like two weeks after starting it. Sat here for like 20 minutes trying to figure out a title... ALSO. No hate to Danneel, I love her and their marriage so much. But the easiest way to do this for me was to have them never be married and none of their beautiful little babies be created.

Being back in Texas for a convention always made the boys a bit happier, a bit more carefree. The entire time they were in Texas they would be goofing off and spending most of their panels messing with each other instead of answering questions, but of course the fans didn’t mind, they all got a good laugh out of it. Right now it was Jensen, Jared and Y/N on stage; Y/N was sitting in between the boys, and the boys were a little tipsy, having been enjoying drinks most of the day.

Jared told a story about getting pulled over when Gen first visited Texas with him almost 8 years ago, right after season four ended. When the first girl had started to ask her question Jared asked her name, and then introduced the three of you, making you roll your eyes and Jensen just say “12 years”.

The girl had asked where the three of you would love to film an episode of the show, and being Jared who doesn’t ever actually listen, immediately yelled out Texas. A fan yelled out Idaho from somewhere in the crowd and without thinking Jared made an not-so-appropriate joke, and then apologized to all the parents in the crowd. When Jared says that he and Gen got married in Idaho, of course the immediate response from the fan is “I know” and Jared makes a weird face, making you laugh.

When Jensen goes to answer the question he confirms that the fan had said for an episode, to which Jared turns to her and says “I didn’t hear that part.”

Jensen makes a ‘oh really’ face and Y/N turns to him saying “Yeah, you’re talkin too much!” to which Jared starts to fake cry and a few fans yell out “no.”

“No, no, he was.” Jensen says making you giggle.

“There’s dirt in my eye.” Jared says, fake crying and wiping at his eye. Jensen starts to answer the question again until Jared interrupts him. Again. “I thought we were brothers man.”

“Actually, we’re not.” Jared just laughs and a fan yells out “be nice”. Immediately Y/N starts laughing as Jensen says, “Be nice? Have you met me?” Jensen goes on to answer the question, saying the Grand Canyon and then the boys look at you.

“Bali. Hawaii. Somewhere on a beach!” You say with a large smile, making Jensen laugh and shake his head.

When the next fan asks if you guys would be willing to do the show for the next 30 years, you motion to Jensen and say, “He’s gonna 80 in 30 years!” At first Jensen starts nodding and then he turns to you, his eyebrows furrowed in that adorable way that you love, he looks down at you like he’s mad but everyone knows he’s not. “Late 70’s. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Jensen just looks away, making you and Jared laugh. After a moment you started to feel nauseous so you tapped Jared’s shoulder, letting him know you would be right back and excusing yourself while Jensen talked to the fan about her question.

Kim and Richard are standing right off the stage in back, but you barely have time to notice them as you take off running for the bathroom, a hand pressed tightly over your mouth. They share a look of confusion and worry before Kim follows you. When she walks into the bathroom you’re leaving the stall, walking to the sink to wash your hands and rinse out your mouth.

“You alright kid?” She asks sweetly, a look of worry on her face.

“Yeah, just not feelin so hot today.” You said, drying off your hands.

“You wanna sit out the rest of today? I can let the boys know.” She offers and you immediately shake your head.

“No, I’ll be okay. I don’t wanna let them down or the fans down just because of some morning sickness.” You say without thinking, throwing the paper towel into the trash can.

“Morning sickness?” She asks and your eyes widen, realizing what you had just said.

“Uh, yeah.” You mumble, looking at her.

“Does Jensen know?” She asks and you start shaking your head again.

“No, and he’s not going to. Not right now.” You say quickly.

“He’s gonna realize something is up, Y/N.” She says sweetly, giving you a sad smile. You know she’s not judging you or your decision not to tell Jensen yet, she’s just worried about you, but it still upset you for some reason. Hormones.

“We aren’t even officially together, we were just screwing around, how am I supposed to tell him that I forgot to refill my birth-control and now I’m knocked up? This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Y/N starts ranting and Kim pulls you into a hug, holding you tightly as tears start falling down your cheeks. “He’s been my best friend for the last fifteen years, I don’t want to ruin that just because I made a stupid mistake.”

“Hey, it’ll be okay. I’m not gonna say anything, and you don’t have to go tell him right now, but you should tell him soon.” Kim says, pulling back and wiping the tears off your cheeks.

“I know. Jared knows, he came to wake me up this morning and I immediately started puking so he figured it out. I’m just scared to tell Jensen.” You step over to the mirror, wiping the tears and stray eyeliner off your cheeks.

“Come on, let’s get you back out there.”

You walk back to the stage, Kim right beside you. Richard stops you to ask you if you’re okay and you just smile and nod, telling him you’re fine. You take your microphone from him as you hear the boys arguing about Jared using air quotes, making you giggle. You just stand there for a minute, watching Jensen as he explains how he and Jared got a tour of a building they use for filming some scenes. You just watch him for a moment, watching the expressions he makes as he tells the story and the way he talks with his hands, observing him like it would be your last chance to do so.

When Jensen is done with his ghost story, you walk back onto stage just as Jared says, “He’s like, if there’s any ghosts in here, they’ve seen the show they won’t mess with me.” This makes you laugh, the memory of Jensen saying those exact words with a cocky smirk on his lips crossing your mind. You take your seat in between them again and Jared just gives you a small smile as he turns to the next fan.

Jensen furrows his eyebrows, his bright green eyes full of worry and confusion as he leans down to whisper in your ear, “Are you okay?” You just nod, giving him a smile as the next fan asks a question about grapes. Jensen lets it go for now, answering the fan’s question and arguing with Jared about frozen grapes. You just sit there, staring at your hands in your lap, your mind reeling.

The next fan comes up and asks if your characters had a warning label what would it say, and you start giggling, unable to control yourself. Jensen states that Dean’s would say “Feed Often or Else” and then says that Sam’s would be like a gremlin, “Don’t Get Wet”, which only makes you giggle more. When Jared says it would be “Might contain gas, don’t start fire”, you lose it. Jensen looks at you like you’ve gone absolutely insane.

“Yours would probably be, “Small but Psycho” Jensen says and you smack his arm.

“You love me.” You mutter, a large smile still on your face.

“Hey, it would work for your character and you though.” Jensen says, laughing.

“The really funny thing is,” Jared says glancing down at you, “Y/N is actually a lot like her character on the show.” The audience laughs.

“He’s not kidding.” You say, an amused smile on your lips. “So when I went in to audition for the part, they had me actually come to Vancouver and do the audition with Jensen and Jared. Bob had told me that it would be someone else reading lines with me and that’s how my audition would go, but I got to set and I was sitting in this room waiting to do my audition, in comes Jared and Jensen with smirks on their faces.”

“She fainted.” Jensen says and you smack his arm again.

“I did not faint! Stop telling people that! That wasn’t the first time that I was meeting either of you!” You say laughing. “Anyways, when I was auditioning for the part they told me, we don’t have a name for this character yet, we’re looking through a few names trying to decide which one we want to use so the boys are just gonna use your name for the audition, so I was just like uh, okay. This should be interesting.”

“She did amazing.” Jared says looking down at you with a smile.

“Considering the two of you were making funny faces and goofing off the entire time, I’d say I did pretty damn good!”

“So, side note, Jared and I went in there like oh, it’s some chick part, she’ll be on for an episode or two, whoever is here is gonna get the part, whatever. So we had decided to make it hard on her instead of waiting until she was actually on the show, just to show her what she was getting herself into. Not only did we not know that it was gonna be Y/N, which only made messing with her easier, but after they extended out how long her character was going to be on the show, Jeff made it very clear that he would help her get back at us. But we were making faces and saying lines that aren’t in the script, and just doing everything we can to mess with her without letting anyone else know we’re doing it. After about ten minutes of this, just out of nowhere, she stops what she’s saying mid-sentence and goes, can’t you two just be adults for five minutes?” Jensen admits with a small smile.

“She had a knife in her hand when she said it too, and not like a fake prop knife, but an actual very sharp knife, and she just pointed it at us.” Jared chimes in.

“That was when they gave me the part too. I was given the script within a few days and in the script they just used my name, I was just like alright, that’ll be easy to remember!” The audience laughs.

“She’ll make even the smallest movements or do something while we’re filming a scene that she doesn’t even realize she’s doing, and almost all of it works for her character. It’s sort of like they wrote this part for her.” Jensen jokes, looking down at you with a smile.

You turn to the next fan, giving her a smile and saying “Hi.” She answers with a hi, stating her name and then asking her question, asking what your favorite supernatural being to fight is. You just shrug, having been on the show for not even a year yet and mostly fighting demons, you didn’t really know what your favorite would be. Jared says the fairies, talking for a moment about the scene at the end when he pours the salt.

Jensen thinks for a moment, finally saying, “Ya know what, I’m gonna go with good, old fashioned ghosts.” The crowd cheers. “Vampires are just too easy. You just chop their heads off. You don’t even get to shoot em. Uhh-”

“You know what’s the easiest?” Jared cuts in and you and Jensen look at him, “Zombies. A baseball bat.” You start laughing, and Jared continues, “I mean if you can wear a scarf while killing a being, it’s really not that scary. One second, let me tighten my ascott.”

“You know how you deal with zombies, like those zombies.” Jensen says around his laughter. “Here, be a zombie for a second. Be a Walking Dead zombie” He says to Jared and you watch as they get up and Jared starts to act like a zombie, Jensen just walking away from him like it’s no big deal. “You just walk away!”

“True story.” Jared says as they walk back over to take their seats beside you. “I could totally be on Walking Dead!”

“I was scared for my life just now.” Jensen jokes.

“Where was my ascott?” Jensen laughs, and Jared turns to thank the fan for her question, then asks how his zombie was. Of course the crowd cheers him on.

“It was dead on.” Jensen says, looking back to the drummer. Jared pinches the bridge of his nose, laughing for a second.

“Yeah, it’s not called like the sprinting dead, or the running dead, it’s the Walking-” He stops to laugh. At this point you’re laughing so hard you can barely breathe.

“It’s the Walking Dead!” Jensen says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “What do you do? You just walk faster.” He shrugs, a smirk on his lips. “Jeff’s gonna kill us.”

Jared laughs and says, “Yeah, that’s not the only thing he’s gonna kill you for.” You stop laughing, staring up at Jared with wide eyes as he continues to laugh. Jensen just looks between you and Jared, confused as to what Jared’s talking about. When Jared finally looks at you, his eyes widen as he realizes what he just said. He mumbles a “sorry”, you and Jensen the only ones able to hear it, a sheepish smile on his lips. Jared tries to fix his mistake, quickly turning to the next fan.

When she states that her question is for Jared and Jensen, asking if they could choose a happy ending for Sam, Dean and Cas, you zone out. You feel cold but there’s a sweat breaking out across your skin, your face pale and your cheeks rosy. You stay in your seat, willing yourself to keep down the bile that’s creeping up your throat so you don’t have to leave the stage again, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to yourself. You lean down to grab your bottle of water from the floor, Jared catching your arm when you almost fall and helping you to sit back up without really drawing any attention from anyone other than Jensen. Because of course Jensen had to notice.

The next girl that comes up of course has to direct her question towards you, and you only. First she asks why you chose to be on Supernatural instead of joining your dad on The Walking Dead, to which you quickly answer, “I love my dad but I don’t wanna work with him.” The audience laughs, as do Jared and Jensen. “My dad actually came by the set one day, just to see everyone I guess, or to spy on me, I don’t know. When he walked in we were in the middle of filming so he just kind of hung around until I was done. But that of course had to be the day when we were filming the scene where I was supposed to be kissing Jensen, or Dean, for the first time. Now if any of you remember that scene, that first kiss between my character and Dean was pretty hot and heavy, right?” The crowd sort of cheers. “Yeah, he wasn’t too happy about that.”

“He actually threatened me!” Jensen says laughing, “Told me there better not be any funny business between us. And of course, still being in character, my response was, ‘No sir, but I can’t stop what Dean Winchester does’. He didn’t like that too much.” You laugh, the memory of pulling your father away from Jensen before he punched him flashing through your mind.

“I hope that answers your question.” You say to the fan with a smile. Your smile falters as your stomach flips, but you push it down, determined to get through the rest of the panel. But when the next girl comes up and asks if you’re okay, saying that she noticed you looked a little off all day, the bile starts to rise up your throat again. You take another drink of your water, hoping it helps as Jensen starts to speak on your behalf.

“She’s been getting over a stomach bug for about a week.” Jensen says with a small smile, glancing at you to make sure you’re okay. You just nod your head, resting your bottle of water between your legs and picking up your microphone.

“Little over a week ago I started to get sick, just a nasty virus or something. But I’m doing better, slowly getting better. I got lucky filming this week because they only needed me for two days and they were both shorter-ish days.” You chuckle at the word you made up. “They also switched one of my days of filming with one of Jensen’s days so that I could get a bit more rest in between my two days, so I’m very thankful of them for that.”

“Well we’re glad you’re okay!” The girl says with a bright smile and you nod, giving her a smile in return. Jensen watches as you take another drink of your water, the feeling of acid rising up your throat only getting stronger.

The next girl comes up and asks about becoming an actress. Jared immediately says “Don’t do it” with a joking smile before turning the question to Jensen. Jensen turns to her, beginning to explain ways to help her follow her dreams. Then Jared starts giving her advice, telling her to constantly remind herself why she does it and why she loves acting, as it’s not an easy business. She says “thank you” and begins to walk away, Y/N sitting there giggling making Jared and Jensen both look at her.

“I guess I sort of had it easy.” You say glancing up at Jared with a chuckle. “Let me explain what exactly I mean by that. So, I definitely haven’t gotten every part I’ve auditioned for, I’ve been turned down quite a few times actually, and I honestly didn’t expect to get the part on Supernatural or for it to go on this long. I expected for them to kill me off within a few episodes or for me to be like Felicia or Kim where I come for an episode or two and then I’m not on the show for a season or two and then I come back, that sort of thing.”

“I guess they like you.” Jensen says with a wink.

“Anyways.” You say with a roll of your eyes. “Luckily, my last name is sort of common so I don’t always get recognized, but I’ve still had those auditions where I walk in and I tell them, my name is Y/F/N Morgan, I’m here to audition for yada, yada, whatever. And there are still the people that recognize my name and say, oh Morgan, you’re Jeffrey’s daughter. And either they set the standard really high because of the amazing actor that my father is and they expect me to live up to that, which is really hard sometimes. Or there are the auditions that I’ve gone to where they don’t really like the work my dad has done or they don’t like something about him, and they immediately think that I wouldn’t be a good fit for the part because of that, which is also really hard. And I’ve had one or two where they straight out told me, I love your father and I expected you to be better, which at one point I stopped acting because of that.”

“This industry isn’t easy.” Jared mumbles where only you and Jensen can hear him.

You nod, but keep speaking, “But, like with the audition for Supernatural, I’ve had directors and casting agents and producers call me or my agent, who is also my dad’s agent, and they’ll say something like, I know you’re father and I’ve seen some of your work and I’d like you to audition for this part that we’ve got. Which with Supernatural it was actually a call from my dad saying, they need a female for this small part, why don’t you go audition? Nobody knew it was gonna be Jeffrey’s daughter walking in to the audition until I got there, and how y’all didn’t put that together still astounds me.”

Jensen laughs, “I saw your name on some paper too, and I was like well that name sounds familiar, but it just did not cross my mind that you were gonna be the one to audition for the part.” This makes you laugh, shaking your head, but the movement makes you a little dizzy.

“This isn’t the easiest industry, and I had quit for a good five years, but I honestly wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. Although I did go to school and get my Bachelor’s in Nursing when I took that time off, I definitely would rather be doing this.” Jensen and Jared both just nod in agreement and the three of you turn to the next fan.

The next fan comes up and asks what the funniest moment Jared has had being a father, or a moment he’s most proud of, and Jared starts telling a story about Tom. You stand up, walking around Jensen to behind your chair and leaning on it, his eyes on you the entire time. Jensen leans over and whispers, “Are you okay?” and you nod, giving him a small smile.

“Just feeling sort of antsy I guess.” You say moving your legs a bit as you stand there.

“You look a little pale, are you sure you’re alright?” Jensen pushes and you sigh, rolling your eyes with an amused smile on your lips.

“Yes, dad, I’m fine.” You mutter, which makes Jared glance at the two of you with a raise eyebrow as he finishes his story.

“I don’t wanna know.” Jared says, his voice full of amusement, not realizing his microphone was still in front of his mouth. Immediately there’s ‘oooo’s coming from the audience, making you glare at Jared again.

“Shut up, Jared.” Jensen mutters, making you giggle.

Then the burn in your throat becomes stronger, and you can feel the bile making its way up again, making you start coughing and a sweat break out across your skin again. You drop your microphone into the chair, turning around and quickly making your way off stage. Kim rushes over to you with a small trash can, noticing you won’t be able to make it to the bathroom in time, and you immediately start puking again. “Fuck me.” You mutter, dry heaving, everything in your stomach already having been hurled up.

“That’s what got you into this mess, honey.” Kim teases with a small smile, trying to make you feel better. You laugh, walking over to a chair and sitting down, Kim following you with the trash can.

“You alright, Y/N?” Richard asks, his voice full of worry. You just nod, your eyes staying glued to the floor. “There’s only about fifteen minutes left of the panel, you wanna sit it out?” You nod again, gratefully accepting the cold bottle of water Kim hands you.

“Thank you.” You mumble, opening it and downing half of it.

For the next fifteen minutes you don’t move from that chair, just listening to the rest of the panel. Kim stays nearby in case you need anything, but otherwise leaves you to yourself. When you hear Richard and Rob run onto stage singing for the last question, you start to feel anxious, your leg beginning to bounce and a sweat breaking out across your skin again. Seven minutes later, Jared’s coming up on your left, his face colored with worry.

“Hey kid, you okay?” Jared asks, sitting beside you and rubbing slow circles across your upper back. You just nod, your throat feeling tight. “You’re gonna have to tell him, he knows somethin’s up.” Jared whispers and you can hear the sound of his boots on the floors, quickly getting closer to you.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Jensen asks, crouching down right in front of you. You avoid his gaze, so he gently grabs your chin and makes you look at him. Your eyes are full of tears and there’s a few that have escaped down your cheeks. He grabs your hand without another word, leading you down the hallway to an empty room, pulling you inside and shutting the door behind you. “What’s going on, Y/N? What are you not telling me?”

More tears fall down your cheeks and you just stare at him for a moment, memorizing the way those beautiful green eyes shine in the dim lights of the room. The way his jaw clenches because he’s worried about you and becoming annoyed that you’re hiding something from him. The way his hands are clenching and unclenching in fists, as if to stop himself from reaching out for you. He takes a step closer to you, now standing only a foot away, reaching out and pushing the hair out of your face. He sighs, closing his eyes for a brief moment before they’re looking at you again, shining with an emotion you’ve never seen from him, one you can’t quite place.

“Please talk to me sweetheart, you know I’m always here for you.” He says sweetly, a small smile tugging on his lips.

“You’re gonna hate me, Jen.” You whisper, another tear falling down your cheek.

“I could never hate you, you’re my best friend.” Jensen whispers, cupping your cheek in the palm of his hand.

You sigh, closing your eyes, “I-I’m pregnant.” Jensen freezes, just staring down at you for a moment. When you open your eyes you see that his eyes are wide and he’s frozen in his spot. His hand is now an inch away from your face and he’s just staring down at you, but it’s like he’s looking straight through you. “Jensen?” You whisper, trying to get his attention. “Please say something.”

“It-it’s mine, right?” Jensen suddenly asks, his voice monotone and void of any emotion, and his eyes still not completely focusing on you.

You scoff, angry at his accusation, glaring up at him. “Yes, Jensen, it is yours.” You snap and he slightly shakes his head, finally focusing on you, his green eyes locking with your Y/E/C ones.

“No, sweetheart, I didn’t mean it like that I just… Fuck.” He runs a hand through his hair, slightly pulling on the ends in frustration, his eyes shut tight.

“Look, I know that this isn’t what you want, we were taking all the precautions to avoid this, but I fucked up on my pills and now I’m pregnant. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with this and I already have a meeting on Monday morning in Vancouver to talk about ending my contract because I can’t just give up this baby, but I won’t stick around and keep doing the show when-” Your babble is cut off by Jensen’s plump lips pressed firmly against yours, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he pulls you against his chest. He moves his hands down, grabbing the back of your thighs and lifting you up, setting you on the edge of the table. He breaks the kiss, keeping his forehead pressed against yours.

“You really thought that I would hate you for this?” You shrug, avoiding his gaze. He puts two fingers under your chin, making you look up at him. “I could never hate you Y/N, especially not for this. This isn’t just your fault, it’s my fault too sweetheart, we did this together.”

“You’re really not upset?” You ask, searching his eyes.

“Well, this might be a little hard to explain to the fans but I’m sure we can figure it out.” He teases, making a small smile appear on your lips. “How could I possibly be upset by you telling me you’re pregnant with my baby? Sure, it’s not what we had planned, but we’ll get through this.” He presses another kiss to your lips, this one much softer and sweeter.

“I love you.” You whisper against his lips, making him smile.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” He goes to kiss you again but someone knocks on the door, making both of you jump.

“Jense, we’ve got photo ops in five.” Jared calls from outside the door. Jensen helps you down from the table and takes your hand in his, intertwining your fingers as he opens the door. Jared’s leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest and a smirk on his lips. He glances down at your intertwined hands then up to you, smuggly saying, “Told you so.”

“Shut up Jared.” You mutter, not able to keep the small smile off your lips. Jared just laughs, walking behind you and Jensen to the photo ops. As soon as you enter the room Misha comes skipping toward you, looking like an overly excited puppy.

“Y/N, you and I have autographs with Mark.” Misha says, nobody yet to notice Jensen’s hand still intertwined with yours.

“Later sweetheart.” Jensen says leaning down and pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, right there in front of everyone, including the line of fans waiting to have their photos taken with Jared and Jensen.

You just stare at him, completely shocked by his public display of affection.

“Jeff is so gonna kill you, dude.” Jared jokes, making you giggle and Jensen groan as Misha drags you off in one direction and Jared drags Jensen off in the other.

[wroammin]

The Truth (Pt. 2)

Truth Or Dare The Truth (Pt. 1) The Truth (Pt. 2) The Dare

Pairings: Prinxiety, Logicality

Word Count: 1,534

Warnings: Feelings. Lots of feelings.

Summary: Roman and Virgil figure things out.

“Hey! Don’t mess with that property!” Roman yelled, exasperated.

“Then don’t touch our bank unless we both agree on it!” Virgil shot back.

“Oh, just like we both agreed to give Patton and Logan all of our green properties? Because I don’t remember you asking!” Roman glared at Virgil.

“We had no other properties or money! It was literally the only thing we could give them!” Virgil argued.

Roman and Virgil continued to chatter and argue about the game, while Patton and Logan were becoming increasingly stressed. Logan was upset at them. Patton was just upset.

Logan was about to yell at them, but Patton surprisingly beat him to it.

“Stop!” Patton cried, desperately trying to get Roman and Virgil’s attention.

He succeeded.

Everyone in the room was taken aback at the outburst. Patton never yelled, and when he did yell he yelled in excitement, not desperation.

“Stop fighting… please.” Patton begged, “Game night is supposed to be fun, but I don’t know if I’m having fun anymore.”

Everyone was still quiet. Patton just sighed a little sadly,

“I… I think I’m going to go to bed.” Patton sunk out. Logan was quiet for only a second.

“Roman. Virgil. Clean this up. That should require little to no conversation, so I hope you can both handle it. Unless you still insist on behaving like children and upsetting another one of your friends?” Logan took their silence as an acceptable answer and sunk out as well.

Virgil and Roman did as they were told. Roman slid the top of the box onto the bottom half, finishing the job. Virgil went to sink out immediately, but Roman stopped him.

“Virgil, wait.” Roman called. Virgil reluctantly halted.

“What, Princey?” Virgil answered in a slightly bored tone. He was trying to ignore the seriousness of the situation.

“Please, can you call me Roman?” The other side asked. Virgil was a bit skeptical.

“Why? You usually don’t mind.” He raised a brow at Roman, inviting him to explain.

“I don’t feel as though I am deserving of the title.”

“What?” Virgil was a bit confused. Where was Roman’s ego? Even after Virgil had witnessed Roman broken down and crying, the next day he had gone back to his usual princely manners. Virgil had just assumed Roman really didn’t care about what Virgil had said to him.

“You really don’t understand, do you?” Roman gave a slightly self-deprecating chuckle as he looked at Virgil, “It’s all fake, Virgil. I’ve never saved a damsel or gone on an adventure because none of it is real. I’m Thomas’ dreams and fantasies, which means nothing I do matters because it’s not real. It’s just… fantasy.” Roman was still staring at Virgil as he gave him a helpless gesture.

“So I put on this costume and I act all high and mighty and I make everyone else seem inferior to make myself seem better. But that’s all it is. A costume. Because underneath that costume there’s nothing. And everything you said is true. All of it. I am an idiot, and all I do is hurt people, but I never act like I care because I can’t afford to. I can’t lose character. But now I have.”

Roman’s hair was tousled and a bit more unkempt than usual, Virgil noticed. His usually ironed and clean prince outfit also had wrinkles and small stains. He appeared to be in disarray. He had lost character.

But Virgil wouldn’t have it.

“So what, Roman? Everyone has self-confidence issues. This is just another stunt of yours to try and make everything okay so everyone will just love you again, right? Well, it’s not okay. You made a mistake, but I still haven’t heard an apology for what you did. So,” Virgil gestured a bit confusedly, “whatever it is your doing, just stop.”

Everything hurt. Roman’s eyes hurt because he wanted to cry but he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry anymore even if he wanted to because that’s all he had spent time doing the whole week. Roman cleared his throat a bit too forcefully. He was trying to push down the knot in his throat.

“O-of course! I didn’t, yes- no, I did not mean to- yes, of course I didn’t-” Roman’s words were fumbling in his mouth, and he couldn’t seem to recover this time.

Virgil was a bit lost. Maybe he’d been too harsh? Was he overreacting? Oh, god. Nothing was getting better.

After a moment, Roman sighed shakily, staring at the floor. He looked back up at Virgil with determination in his gaze.

“No. I don’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t say everything I wanted to before, and maybe I didn’t even say the right thing. So just, forget that. I’m starting over. If you’ll let me.” Roman extended his hand for Virgil to take. Virgil stared at Roman in shock, did he really expect him to take his hand? After an argument? But Roman held his hand up even after a full thirty seconds.

Virgil slowly reached out, and set his hand down lightly on Roman’s. Roman gently guided Virgil’s hand as he sat down on the floor.

“Virgil, I’m really, really sorry for writing those cards. They were hurtful, and insensitive. I… already apologized to Logan and Patton, but for reasons I will discuss later, I held off with you. But I think I’m ready now. I made these last game night, right after you left.” Roman conjured a small stack of cards. But instead of there being truths and dares, all of the cards were only labeled with truth.

Virgil glanced at the cards and looked at Roman skeptically. Roman was pleading with Virgil to play along. Virgil shrugged nonchalantly, but he was secretly curious as to what Roman could possibly consider an appropriate apology.

“Take a card. It’s truth or dare, but only truths this time. And only I have to answer.”

Virgil tentatively reached for the card. He took it and flipped it over, scanning the index card for the question. He frowned, but read it aloud:

“Are you really sorry for hurting Virgil?”

“Yes. Next truth.” Roman answered, gazing at Virgil meaningfully. It was a bit uncomfortable.

“Roman, I d-”

“Next truth. Please?”

Virgil sighed, but complied once more:

“Are you really sorry for being an egotistical jerk for years?”

“Yes.”

Virgil scoffed at Roman, “You know this fixes nothing, right? I mean-”

“Read the next one.” Roman interrupted. He had to keep going. He had to.

“Do you like anyone?” Oh. Oh.

“Yes.” Roman was still staring at Virgil. Weird.

“Which one of the sides would you kiss?” Virgil was terrified of the answer. His voice was barely a whisper as he read the question. But Roman answered loudly and without hesitation,

“Virgil.”

Virgil gulped. He decided to just continue reading before he combusted. His decision made things even worse for his attempts at a steady heart rate.

“W-why?” Oh, no. Oh, no.

“Because he’s the person I like. And he’s kind, and caring, and even though he doesn’t think so, he’s such a great person. Better than I’ll ever be.”

But there was still one more card. Still one more.

Virgil had been terrified before, he’s anxiety and all, but never had he been so nervous to see the other side of a card.

“For Virgil: Do you forgive Roman?” Virgil looked at Roman, panicked.

He had apologized in his own, strange way. But, was it enough?

“Wait.” Roman said, “Before you answer that. I’d like to explain.”

Virgil nodded. He wasn’t sure if he could have mustered any words, anyway.

“Virgil, I didn’t realize it at first, but I’ve liked you for a while now. At the start, I thought I was just jealous. Maybe I was a little. But then I realized I didn’t want to be you. I wanted to be with you. And then, I had just been so mean to you. I thought you hated me. Which you had every right to.” Roman admitted, looking at the floor. Virgil thought he could see the hints of a blush on the sides of his face.

“But then I started trying, Virgil! I started to try and be nice to you, but it was hard. I was such a horrible person that I didn’t know how to treat people correctly. Who’s like that? And then, we had our fight. And it was like all of my efforts were pointless.”

Virgil was looking at Roman in a different way now. He wasn’t sure if it was good or bad yet.

“What I’m trying to get to here, Virgil, is that I like you. And apparently, you’ve felt the same at some point. You might not feel that way anymore, but I don’t care. I still like you, and all I want is for you to be happy. If you need some space away from me for a while, you’ll get it.” Roman stood up.

“I’m sorry, Virgil. You can come talk to me whenever you’re feeling okay. Or whenever you want. I won’t bother you otherwise.”

Roman sunk out. Virgil stared at the spot he had disappeared from.

Virgil had some things to think about.

@ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @aurinkari @the-incedible-sulk @messrs-howler @im-so-infinitesimal @iris-sanders-athena

[trans-shuichisaihara]

ch4 of the linked au! it’s still fun free time for now ✌️

read on ao3

---------------

In the short time since he last really investigated the warehouse, a surprising amount of dust had settled on the shelves and various supplies. It hurt both his heart and his lungs, the latter for obvious reasons, and his heart from the reminder that it would likely have been clean if not for Toujou’s betrayal and subsequent execution.

He shook off the depressing thoughts; he needed to focus on the task at hand, not getting upset over the losses their group had sustained. He tugged a sealed box off one of the shelves, covering his mouth as dust went flying. He was starting to regret agreeing to help Shirogane.

She hadn’t asked for much, however. Just a camera, a nice digital one unlike the ones Shuichi’d used in the trap he and Akamatsu set up so long ago.

Dammit. He roughly wiped at his watery eyes, the dust in the air clearly the source of irritation. Once tears weren’t threatening to spill, he tore open the box, disappointed to find it was only a case of canned food. He should’ve guessed it from the weight and size. Frustrated with himself, he pushed the box away with more force than necessary, pulling himself back up to search a different area.

After half an hour passed with no luck, he was distracted by the sound of someone entering the warehouse, the door softly clicking shut behind them. As he weaved his way around the shelves, he wasn’t too surprised when the heavy footsteps turned out to belong to Kiibo.

“Oh, Momota-kun.” He jerked as if surprised by Kaito’s sudden appearance. “What are you doing here?”

“Lookin’ for something for Shirogane. What about you?”

“I’m also running an errand for someone!” He smiled, extending his index finger pointedly. “Iruma-san demanded I come grab her some snacks and, um-” If he’d had a human face, Kaito imagined the slight dimming of his eyes would translate to scrunching his face in thought. “‘The largest rubber you can find’, whatever that is.”

Kaito hesitated. “Uh, well, we can definitely get some snacks. I don’t think you’ll need to worry about the other request.” He definitely didn’t want to go looking for that.

Kiibo let out a sigh. “Well, hopefully that’ll be fine then. She’s in a bit of a mood today, so I was hoping to help her relax by spending some time with her.”

... In that way? “Isn’t, uh, isn’t she always in a mood?”

“Of course not!” He clearly took offense to the question. “For instance, she was very happy yesterday to discover the Ultimate Robot’s lab, but now I can barely get her to leave that computer on the 4th floor alone for even a few minutes.”

Seriously, was he jealous? “Hey, chill, I’m sure she’s fine. Maybe she just wants to finish that before working on something else?”

“Her lab is full of half finished designs! That can’t be the issue!”

“Okay, well, uh...” He scratched the back of his head. “What do you think’s goin’ on?”

Kiibo paused. “I’m... not certain. Her mood is normally volatile, yes, but... I think something happened. She may appear to be her normal moody self, but I can almost see this, this layer of panic beneath every movement she makes.”

“I mean, Ouma did go out of his way to freak everyone out this morning, so-”

He shook his head. “That can’t be it. She was already like this when I went to get her for breakfast.”

“Huh.” Kaito moved his hand from his head to his chin, stroking his goatee. “Well, I’m outta ideas. That time of the month?”

“What?!” Kiibo’s face flushed. “Momota-kun, I might not be human, but even I know that’s not appropriate! Not everything is caused by a woman’s cycle!”

He winced at his volume; okay, bad joke. “Well, uh, what else do you think it could be then?”

He huffed, calming himself down. “She seemed fine yesterday, that I know for certain. But as for what caused her to suddenly-” He paused. “Wait. Perhaps it was the Flashback Light?”

“Well, yeah, the Flashback Light freaked all of us out. Iruma especially, now that I think about it. I guess the most obvious solution’s normally the right one.” Except when it came to which Ultimate murdered another and how they did it, but that wasn’t exactly the everyday mystery.

“Perhaps, yes. There’s also the motive to consider. I know we - Ouma-kun excluded - have agreed there is no motive, but...” He hesitated.

“But?”

“Well, it’s just... My inner voice keeps saying that we shouldn’t ignore the motive. That we should try to figure out what it is.”

A shudder ran through his body. “Man, you’re still going on about that Atua crap?”

Of course, he took offense to that too; talking with Kiibo was a delicate balance between avoiding being robophobic and avoiding offending him at all. “As I said before, my inner voice has nothing to do with Atua; I simply mistook it for His voice for a period of time.”

Alright! Time to escape this conversation! “I see. Well, enough about that; let’s go find you some shit for Iruma. Let me know if you find a digital camera; that’s what Shirogane’s askin’ for.”

Kiibo faltered, then brightened up. “I see! If that’s all you require, I can easily provide what you need!” He gave Kaito a long look, before his mouth suddenly ejected a piece of paper. Ah, right; he could print his memory or something. “Please, take it; consider it a gift.”

Hearing Kiibo’s voice without his mouth moving was unsettling enough that he did as he was told. As he flipped it over, an unfamiliar feeling welled up in his chest. He swallowed.

It was a picture from their first breakfast together, the morning after attempting the underground passage. The scene replayed in his mind as if it’d just happened yesterday instead of two weeks ago. Akamatsu being really torn up about it. Ouma doing a relatively normal level of shit stirring. The First Blood Perk. The small amount of hope that has risen from Monokuma’s temporary destruction. Everyone... Everyone was alive and happy.

“I...” His voice caught. He wasn’t sure what he could say that wouldn’t seem overly mushy or result in crying. “Thanks.” He left it at that, carefully folding the photo in half before sliding it into his pocket.

“You’re welcome! Just let me know when Shirogane-san wants my assistance!” Seemingly oblivious to the torrent of emotions his act of kindness had brought forth, Kiibo proudly marched off to complete his original task. Kaito quietly watched him, not having the heart to point out that he wasn’t even sure if Shirogane would accept him as a replacement for the camera.

He did manage to find one eventually, tucked away under a pile of electronics that Iruma had torn through at some point. It had a few scratches but was fully functional as far as he could tell, so he’d call that mission complete. Now it was a matter of taking it all the way up to the 5th floor.

Why did Shirogane’s lab have to be so far away?

He let out a tired sigh as he finally made it all the way up, hating that he was winded from something so mundane. At least this appeared to be the final floor; any further areas to be opened would hopefully remain within this five-story limit. Not that he - or any of them really - wanted any more areas to open.

“Momota?” A voice greeted his arrival, and he quickly straightened himself back up to avoid looking as out of breath as he felt.

“Harumaki! Hey, what’s up?”

She approached from the direction of Shuichi’s lab, her eyes sweeping over him. “What are you doing?” Didn’t answer his question, but oh well.

“I’m bringing this to Shirogane.” He held up the camera. “Wanna come with?”

“Not really.” She shifted in place for a moment, expression tight, then sighed. “Well, I won’t hold you up. Have fun.” She turned away, and Kaito quickly grabbed her shoulder to stop her from leaving.

“Hey, c’mon, I know that look. What’s up? Got somethin’ to get off your chest?” She didn’t respond, keeping her gaze averted. “Ready to talk about what happened last night-?”

“No,” she quickly objected, “As I said, nothing happened.”

He frowned. “You don’t have to bottle it all up. That’s not-”

“So what do you want me to say to you,” she snapped, shoving Kaito’s hand off her, “That I had my first panic attack since I was 13? That all of the sudden, I’m suffocated by emotions I thought were long dead? I can barely breathe alone with my own thoughts let alone put up with your desire to help everyone.”

Kaito paused, letting her outburst settle until he filtered through her words. “That’s good. Feeling things is normal, being overwhelmed is normal. Panic attacks, well, they’re not, but they’re not uncommon.” He scratched the back of his head. “I know you don’t want advice, but I’m here for you when you need to vent. You don’t have to hide.”

The walls Harumaki built around herself appeared to be crumbling as she struggled to meet his steady gaze. “I...” She sighed. “I don’t like this. I have enough to worry about without dealing with foreign emotions.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Without being scared.”

He reached out again and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Then it’s just like I told Shuichi; you can’t get caught up in your head. Sometimes, you gotta take that nervous energy and channel it into something more productive. That’s what training’s for.” He removed his hand, giving her an encouraging smile. “You’re getting stronger already. Just remember you can be afraid, but don’t be afraid of relying on us, alright?”

She shook her head. “You’re an idiot.” He’d be offended, but the affection attached to the insult was clear. She took a deep breath. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” He gestured to Shirogane’s lab with the camera. “So, you sure you don’t wanna come?”

She glanced back towards Shuichi’s. “I was guarding the poisons in Saihara’s lab, but...” She looked back, a hand moving to run through her hair. “I suppose a break wouldn’t hurt. Either way, if anyone really wanted them, only watching them for a few hours a day isn’t going to stop them.”

He sweated. “Hey, don’t say that. No one’s going to touch anything in there.”

She raised a brow at him. “Not even Ouma?”

“Course not! I knocked some sense into him!” He paused. “But, well, if you see him anywhere near there, just let me know. I’ll do it as many times as needed until he learns his lesson.”

“Saihara thinks that you punching him just made things worse,” she bluntly stated. He flinched. “Honestly, I agree; you’re just as good with your words, so really you shouldn’t be punching people.”

“C’mon, he, he’s not the type to listen to words. Sometimes you gotta just...” He trailed off. He fucked up, yeah, but was it really that big of a mistake? It couldn’t have been. “I’m sure that he needed that wake-up call, and anything I tried to say wouldn’t’ve reached him.”

“If you say so,” Harumaki responded, appearing dismissive, “Well, I’m sure you’ve kept Shirogane waiting long enough.” She nodded towards the lab.

“Right, right.” He sheepishly scratched his neck, letting the conversation drop as he headed towards the lab, opening the door.

The door to Hell.