#hate having crappy mental health :))

[lunarheslwt]

.

[unbreakmyhead]

i am having a time haha

[leaawrites]

I knew it, I know you

Lando Norris x fem!reader

summary: two people reflecting - and drowning in sorrow - on their lost almost.

Warnings: mentions of suicidal thoughts, angst, nothing about this is really happy tbh

Masterlist

It had been 2 months. 2 months since all the pining and longing and dancing around each other finally found an end. It was the end of something that was never more than considering but still bigger than nothing. It was what happened when two broken souls found another one. Too afraid to heal and too hopeful to let it go before it could begin. They were always at the starting line never beginning to run. And when she did. She was left alone. He didn’t run with her. His eyes focusing on the win, planning strategies on what may be and what may be not. It was more than nothing but never enough.

Now she held herself at night, his face on her TV, far away. She was focusing on him, never stop cheering and praying to see him succeed. There was always something that made him crumble in the end. Whether it be the car or strategy, he blamed it on him. He had done it ever since she told him that it was his fault they could never work out. It was never the outside world or the misplaced bodies of theirs in time. It was him. He didn’t run, he planned.

Now he sat alone in his big apartment in this big city, filled with glamour and luxury and nothing but his own breathing. It was the purest thing he owned now, after losing what he never truly had. It was only one step he should’ve taken and he couldn’t bring himself too. Everything was shallow now, eating up his insides until no emotion but guilt was left. He hated that he let her go. He hated that he was afraid of real life like some kind of moron in a novel. The one who would end up all alone at some point.

The room was dark and stuffed with thoughts and hot air. The blanket on his bed was wrinkled and tossed around. He hadn’t even found the motivation to make his bed that morning. Going to races for the last 3 weeks was what made his mind walk away from her for a while, but now that it was over it was only him now.

The doorbell rang, making him open his eyes. Lando made his way towards the door, opening it to see Max standing on the other side with food in his hand. The man wore a sympathetic look on his face. He was the only person who knew about what happened. He was the only person who knew about her.

“Thought you might be hungry,” he said, holding up the food in hopes of making him smile at least a little bit. But there was nothing coming from Lando.

He only stepped away to let him in, walking to the coach to sit on it and turn on the TV. Some crappy Reality show was playing but Lando wasn’t paying any mind to it.

“How have you been?” Max asked, sitting down next to Lando, pushing the food in front of his face so he couldn’t ignore it.

Taking the fork in his hand, Lando started to move the Chinese dish around in it’s box. Watching it move like it would satisfy his hunger enough to not eat it.

“Wonderful,” he said quietly, sarcasm dripping from his tongue like water. “Though about throwing myself from the balcony.”

If it was anyone else, Lando wouldn’t have said it. But it was Max, his best friend since childhood. He knew about Lando’s mental health, he knew that it was horrible at times. Though it was never this far, at least not to his knowledge.

“Have you tried talking to her?” He wasn’t aware of what happened fully, but he knew enough to be sure that Lando could fix it. It only needed him to work. It only needed him to find itself again.

“She blocked me everywhere,” Lando only said, avoiding a clear answer of yes or no.

He had tried, multiple times. He even called her mother, but no one was willing to let him in again. They were hiding her away from his shining sword and he understood why. But he hated that they were that way. He hated that he was that way.

“Look, man,” Max started. P, his girlfriend, had told him to go back to the secret plan. “P has been keeping contact with her. She is really not happy about how things ended, but she misses you. She really does. So, if you’re willing to make it work this time - for real this time - I’ll give you her address and you can decide what to do with it.”

Lando looked at him with wide eyes, his heart leaping from his chest to hug his mate.

“You’re willing to do that?” Lando asked, sitting up straighter now and turning towards him.

“If you eat up,” Max joked, playing parent for him.

“But then?”

“If you don’t mess it up.”

[therealieblog]

A big part of Intuitive Eating involves the de-stigmatizing of food. How do we de-stigmatize food? By not assigning it moral qualities, and by not using derogatory, negative language when we talk about food.

Examples of moralizing, derogatory and negative language we, under diet culture, still use regularly when talking about food:

"Sinful"

"Fattening"

"Unhealthy"

"Deadly"

"Bad for you"

"Clean"

"Pure"

"Healthy"

"Good" "

Junk/Junk food"

"Crap/Crappy"

Words to use instead of: Instead of "Sinful", or "Fattening", use "Decadent", "Rich" or "Delicious". Avocados and dark chocolate and many organic, "healthy" foods will make you fatter if you eat them often enough. Is this really about health? Or is it about fatphobia?

Instead of "Unhealthy", you can just say what it is about the food that impairs your health. "It hurts my stomach," "It makes my skin greasy/makes me break out", "I'm allergic to it" "I feel nauseous when I eat that." That at least is honest. Saying any food that isn't on some diet culture list of approved foods is "unhealthy" is just not scientifically accurate or backed by anything other than fear mongering.

Yes, eating foods high in fat and salt and sugar in large enough quantities, for long enough periods of time can negatively affect your health, but the vast majority of studies done on exactly how it affects your health, do not control for participants' smoking, drinking, drug use, genetic predispositions (genetics makes up a significant portion of health by the way), sedentary lifestyle, exposure to chemicals in the environment, mental health status, or literally anything outside of what they eat, so... yeah... f@ck that.

Ditto with "Bad for you." It's just so formless and un-researched and based in fatphobia. What does that even mean? In what amount is it "bad for you?" would it be equally bad for anyone to eat "unhealthy" foods at any time? Is there a magic threshold past which one's donut consumption goes from infrequent to "bad for you" levels? Or, are human beings a wildly diverse group of people, who all have very different bodies, metabolisms, genetics, tolerances, tastes and needs.

"Clean" is just as bad as "Bad For You", only worse, because it's so moralistic. If food is made out of animals, plants and grains, and is considered edible by human beings, it's fucking clean. Now if you're talking about gross things falling into the food by accident during the process of making it, or if you're talking about pesticides being used on your fruit and vegetables, then I get wanting to make sure the food is "clean". But if you're putting food on some sort of angelic pedestal for being free from sugar, or saturated fats, or carbohydrates, then you are still stuck in diet culture.

Instead of "Junk food", which implies that the food itself is garbage, which is honestly just a horrifying way to think about and talk about food, you could say "play food", "fun food", "snack food". These foods: chips, chocolate, cookies etc. aren't meant to fulfill your nutritional needs. We eat them for enjoyment, or to pick us up when we're blue, to calm us when we're stressed, or just because it tastes good and we like eating it. I think gentle nutrition is important, and paying attention to how food makes you feel is obviously important, but the way we perceive food and talk about food, reinforces what we think of ourselves when we eat it. If we are eating "bad" and "unhealthy" foods, then we are bad and unhealthy people, and that is a mind-fuck, believe me.

I've performed a 25 year longitudinal dieting study on myself. I know what it feels like to absolutely hate myself for what my body tells me it wants to eat. Not fun. So please have a care with the way you speak about food, and the way you look at yourself in relation to food. Food is sustenance and life. It is meant to be enjoyed, not feared. Lets not talk about food as if the thing meant to connect us to life also makes us inherently morally deviant.

[haunted-headset]

Ok so hear me out

Wilbur and Y/n arguing.

Then y/n wanted to k!ll herself but..

Guess what Wilbur did...

He moved the knife away and kisses her...

💔 There’s a Reason London Puts Barriers on the Tube Line 💔

Summary: You & Wilbur have a massive argument & all of your su!c!dal thoughts came back, so you ran to Jubilee Line to do your deed. What you forgot is that Wilbur can track your phone.

A/N: Hello! Tysm for the ask! I changed the story up a bit so that the reader doesn't use a knife since knives kinda trigger me :/

word count: 796

proofread: nope

tags: @vibestillaxxx@joviepog@ax-y10@themonsterunderurmom @wilburstan@smolsleepykitten@funnyreally2009@crows-death@dykepunz@aresriiots@0miamor0 @cathers-world@defonotval@chipch0p@mazzistar16@unmellowyellowfellow@justalittlebitofchaos@thosecolorfulsheets@vopix@taylors-version-from-the-vault@aine-lasagna@merianakross@veeislost@urfav-sapphic-siren@shazbaz58-blog @wifiatthetrainstation@mcr-pr-fob@shd454@universe-friday@rqvii@idioticion@m0thza (let me know if u don't or do wanna be tagged!!)

warnings/cw: the reader has su!c!dal thoughts, two attempted su!c!des, mentions of an overdose, arguing/yelling, swearing

This was the worst argument you'd ever had with him in your three years of dating him, & it made your head hurt & your chest feel tight. You had attempted to kill yourself two days ago by overdosing on your anti-depressants.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Wilbur shouted. "Are you fucking stupid, Y/N?! You could've seriously hurt yourself!"

"That's the point!" You shouted back. "That's why I did it! & I already told you I didn’t want to talk about it, yet you kept insisting!"

“That’s because I fucking care about you!” Wilbur yelled. His fists were balled & his eyes, like yours, were bloodshot.

"Well, did I ask for you to care about me?” you cried.

He let out a loud groan of anger & pinched the bridge of his nose. "God, I fucking hate you."

Your eyes widened in shock. He'd gotten angry at you before, of course, but he'd never said that he hated you before. "You don’t mean that," you murmured as more tears rolled down your damp cheeks.

"Right now, I do," he said icily. "More than anything in the world.”

You glared at him. "More than the I love yous?”

His eyes met yours & his expression softened slightly. “…You’re being unfair."

"How the hell am I being unfair?!" you exclaimed. "You're being the unfair & shitty one here! Instead of asking me if I'm alright, you just--you just get mad at me! & when I say I don't want to talk, you keep pressing & pressing & pressing!"

"It's not my fault nor my problem that you're a depressed bitch who doesn't do anything to try & improve their mental state!" he yelled.

With burning tears in your eyes, you started to tie your shoes. Wilbur sighed & said, "No, please don't leave, I-"

"Just shut up," you snapped before you walked out, slamming the door behind you. You started to walk through the rain to Jubilee Line, which would take about forty minutes. You stepped in a few puddles on your way, which drenched your shoes & legs, & you forgot to grab a hoodie, so your entire body was soaked in rainwater.

When you finally arrived, tears rolled down your cheeks & mixed with raindrops as you remembered the song that Wilbur had written a year or two ago. He was rambling on & on about how crappy the mental health was in London & how the city was doing nothing to help their citizens, & how he'd see people kill themselves on Jubilee Line & nobody would say anything or try to stop them, & instead of trying to help the people by improving their mental health services, the city just built barriers on the tube, & the barriers didn't really do anything. & you told him that he should write a song about that. Within an hour, he'd written a song about it, & for the majority of that hour, he would tell you how much he loved you & how creative you were.

You walked up to the barriers & saw that the next train was arriving in five minutes. You kicked with all of your might on the glass until the glass broke. You smiled sadly. The barriers, like Wilbur had said, were shit.

You took a deep breath & held back your tears. You took a step forward.

You were about to fall onto the tracks.

This was it.

It would finally work.

You heard a familiar voice scream your name from behind you.

& then somebody pulled you back & hugged you. It was a sobbing Wilbur.

"L-love, I don't ever want you to die, please...don't die..." he said between his sobs. "I-I'm sorry for yelling, I'm sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean a fucking word, I don't hate you, I never would, darling..."

You pressed your face into his chest & sobbed with him as you both murmured apologies to each other. He pulled you away from his chest only to pepper kisses all over your wet face.

"Please, don't go...I just need to feel your arms around me, mon amour, that's all I've ever wanted," he cried. "I don't want to lose you."

"I'm sorry," you whimpered. "I'm sorry for-"

He cut you off with a kiss. When he pulled away, he cupped your face & said, "You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N. You're the one who's struggling & I didn't even think about that, & I was such a dickhead to you."

"So you don't hate me?" you said with a sniffle as he wiped your cheeks.

"I would never hate you," he whispered. "C'mon, let's go home. I think there's a lot that we need to talk about."

[gor3sigil]

I have to share a story about why I HATE the term "trauma dumping".

So basically, we were at my at the time partner's house with friends of them and we were talking about mental health.

I don't remember exactly how we came to this but one woman started talking about psychosis and her sister who is schizophrenic.

She had a lot of preconception about this and, while I am not schizophrenic, I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations.

So I started to talk about my experiences with that, stating AGAIN that I wasn't schizophrenic but I thought it was an interesting point of view.

Some other people started asking questions so I answered them, asking here and there if it was okay for me to talk about it, and nobody, INCLUDING the woman who started the conversation in the first place, said anything.

And at one point I saw she was uncomfortable and asked her if she'd rather drop the subject.

And then, she BLEW UP on me saying that I was trauma dumping, that she felt like she was partaking in a conversation she NEVER ASKED to partake in (again, she was the one who brought up the subject), that I was being insensitive and over sharing shit and that she didn't like it.

Like, bitch, I asked a bunch of time if it was okay, you were the one talking about these symptoms without even living it and trying to teach people some crappy over the counter shit, but now that she wasn't the Main Character with the Knowledge it became an issue and I was the problem.

I know that I'm open about my experiences and tend to talk about it but I ALWAYS make sure that people on the other end are okay with me sharing this. This was just utter bullshit.

And online or IRL, I just noticed that the term "trauma dumping" is just the easy way out of a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable while putting the blame on the person doing it.

You can absolutely put boundaries, but don't you dare guilt someone just to avoid being seen as an asshole and make yourself clean of anything. It's healthy to state that you are uncomfortable talking about things, but you can do so without making up shit about others.

[ellemaru]

Simon "Ghost" Riley General Headcanons

A/N: This is just headcanons that have popped up in my head or whatever but I'm trying my best to keep it lore accurate/based off of lore. There will be some mentions of abuse, mental health, substance abuse (alcohol and drugs) and body dysmorphia due to how his character is.

General Appearance:

Starting with appearances, I think he's 6'2-6'4 and weighs 200-230 lbs (189-195 cm and 90-104 kgs).

He has prominent muscles, but they aren't Arnold Schwarzenegger huge but still large enough to the point that most people are impressed.

He has short, blondish hair where in the winter, it darkens to a light sandy brown if he doesn't go outside.

He had more of a fair and cool undertone but after spending time in the Middle East he darkened up slightly.

Everyone he knows always debates whether his eyes are green, grey or hazel but he personally thinks they are hazel with a light blue on the edges.

His nose is slightly hooked but is also kind of crooked from the front due to it being broken a gazillion times.

General Personality:

As proven previously with the "Alone" mission, Simon is a pretty funny guy.

I feel like there's a common misconception about him that he's super serious and cold and has no emotion but that's FAAAAAALSE.

When he's not on duty I'm a firm believer he acts sassy with the others to be funny.

He obviously knows that there's a time and place for everything but he also knows when a joke or sarcastic comment is needed to lighten the mood up.

I feel like his enhanced ability to read the room kind of stems from him having to always observe and walk on eggshells with his dad in the past.

Like if he misread his mood he could've potentially gotten hurt, leading to Mama Riley defending him causing her to get hurt too but that's for another post.

Back to the humor I feel like a lot of times he's just unintentionally funny like he'll say something, and because of his delivery people laugh and he just sits there confused like "???? I didn't make a joke"

100% a workaholic with no work-life balance because who needs that when your job is your life!

Once the guy starts working, he ain't gonna stop until he says so.

Super observant, he notices the fine details so if you think you can cut corners around him? You're mistaken.

Simon is moody af but that's definitely heightened by his kinda crappy mental health.

General Family:

He hates his dad.

Did I mention he hates his father?

For sure a mama's boy but not in an "I was my son's first girlfriend" kind of way.

He looks up to his mom like crazy and still has an emotional attachment to her from when he was young due to his father being emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive to him.

Anytime he comes back from a mission, has a rough day, or just needs advice on a decision or life he ALWAYS calls Mama Riley.

She's literally his rock because he sees her as someone who is steadfast and strong who goes based on the facts and how she takes things for face value, similar to Simon. I think this also gave Simon an admiration of single mothers and women in general since he grew up with more of a perspective from his mother than his father.

He loves Tommy to bits and pieces, and they were hands down partners in crime back in their teenage years before Simon enlisted.

If you go around Manchester, you can still see some of their graffiti tags on different things.

When Tommy became a drug addict, Simon was there for him from day 1 till he finally got clean.

A/N: This isn't much but if y'all want more I can work on another that's more detailed! Requests are always open so leave some suggestions on things you want to see!

[drill-teeth-art]

Hello! I'm back, and I know it's late actually, but I've done some thinking. Here's the deal. And I'm going to bare my soul a little bit before I go to bed, but here it is.

My art means everything to me. Even the stupid shit. Even the old shit. Even the ugly shit. It's my art. No one else could make it exactly the way it is, and no one has. It is mine. It's saved my life before by giving me a reason to keep going. It was mine when I lived in a crappy basement that flooded multiple times. It was mine while I was being sexually exploited. It was mine when I was in the mental health ward. It is still mine. And it means everything to me.

And this is on me first and foremost, but I don't like watching it get away from me. I don't like pandering or marketing myself. I don't like making stuff knowing in the back of my head that it's going to get more clicks and that's part of my choice to make it. I want to make art that I care about even if no one else does.

And no that doesn't mean I'm going to stop drawing and posting Transformers because I do still like drawing Transformers. But it does mean some things. It means I'm gonna post whatever I want even if that's OCs for days in a row. It means I'm no longer doing free art requests actually. Ask replies will no longer be accompanied with free art. If you want me to give you a piece of my soul in the form of my own art, then genuinely no offense, but you're going to just have to pay for it and commission me.

You can certainly still send me asks, and please do because I appreciate them! But no art comes with the reply. And the ask should be about me or my art or writing projects or else don't expect an answer.

That being said. I genuinely do appreciate all the support and attention on my work, and I do hope that plenty of you still enjoy my artwork even as it shifts and changes. As much as it is first and foremost for me, and I'm trying to adhere to that more, it still brings me joy when others connect with it.

Also, reblog my commissions post when you get the chance. I hate self marketing, but I'm scraping to get by so that does really help support my art practice. I have the self respect to not do art for free, but I do still have bills.

Thanks again ya'll.

[tigermousse]

Particles of reality: Obsession

genre: dark, yandere, otome, crime, supernatural, NSFW

Not all stories have happy endings…especially this one.

I have a feeling this visual novel has done some permanent damage to my mental health, but I'm not regretting reading it.

!Please note: This game is for mature audience only!

Particles of reality: obsession is dealing with very dark themes including gore, extreme violence, torture, sexual and mental abuse. It has graphic depiction of consensual and un-consensual sex (including sex between minors and sex between siblings). List of triggers for each path is enormous and it was pretty hard to read through some paths. There are options to hide some content, but even with "lower violence" filter it was gruesome enough. Like Monika, I hate the violence, but I was too interested in characters to skip everything.

Monica is studying medicine in college and working at the cafe Luna to pay her bills. She has two close friends and a bunch of phobias, since she is a traumatized young woman with a troubled past. Monika hoped to separate from her family by enrolling to a college. But now she's stuck on a dead-end job, feeling claustrophobic in a small crappy apartment, also failing her studies and doubting her choice to be a doctor.

This is the time when in her life appears a tall handsome man, who has a strange interest in her. But the story unraveled…

Particles of Reality is a macabre satire on dark romance, where relationship with violent people are romanticized, - and otome games, in which every character falls in love with a MC no matter how plain, or dull she is.

It is a splendid idea to show in visual novel that relationship with obsessive people can only cause you pain, but still overall it was a depressing experience for me. I can not recommend this game, but it has a highest rating from me, because it is unique and memorable. All the characters are either traumatized or just pleasurably insane.

You are warned from the beginning that there are no happy endings in this novel. In those few where main characters at least don't die, Monica is still can not be happy because she's feeling trapped.

It makes sense, because it shows that with the characters like these, who are obsessed (and sometimes possessed), there can be no happy ending. They're traumatized, violent and mentally unstable. It is said that in Obsession the characters are the worst possible versions of themselves.

After a while it is getting too frustrating that no matter what you do the game finds its way to punish you. The characters are making very stupid mistakes and decisions - and you can do nothing about it but watch. Also sometimes the game is forcing you to read a lot of information that you already learn from other routes. I can see why it was hard to avoid, but still it was too much unnecessary reading.

The structure of visual novel is unique - it has additional unlockable content for each character that helps to look further in their past or shows their point of view on the story. At some points the story is breaking the forth wall.

Nice touch that choices that doesn't affect the ending, are clearly marked.

Still after reading everything including the secret character routes, the story still has more questions then answers - and feels incomplete. The secret route was more confusing then revealing.

CHARACTERS

MC Monika Viotto (name changeable, but I don't see why someone would like to relate to this MC more, so I left it as it is)

My diagnosis: Post-traumatic stress disorder + Dependent personality disorder

For me, Monika is a bit annoying. She's is your our typical otome MC - she is kind, shy, not very smart with average looks (though I think that she looks pretty cute). Because she was abused and neglected at home since childhood, Monika developed some phobias like nyctophobia and claustrophobia.

She says that she hates violence, but in each route she's attracted to violent people - probably that is the route of all the problems. In some paths she even shows a violent streak that she probably has (probably that is why she resents violence - because she knows she can have it in her too). Her family is mafia and though she wants to get away from them so bad, the violence in her household probably couldn't left her intact. However usually Monika is absolutely oblivious to everything happening around her. Sometimes she can stand for herself, but these moments of clarity happen usually too late.

Who she is now is a result of her traumatized past, but also we can see that she's really passive and co-dependent since young age. She can't decide for herself (and when she is, she's deciding badly), she's not trying to learn something new, she doesn't understand her feelings and is not good with people. She's not good with anything really. Though she doesn't lack empathy and sincerely grieving loss of those who are close to her.

Sometimes she can be funny and snappy, but not often. She is more self-assured and interesting in some "what if" scenarios and in some branches in Brandon's route.

Love interests (SPOILER ALERT)

Which one do you have in mind?

None of the characters are mentally healthy. Some are aware of this fact, the others aren't. There is almost no romance, except maybe for the Sebastian route (which is my least favorite). There are some sex scenes though.

Each route starts differently and has slight time difference, but except for the Brandon's route, the circumstances in these are very similar.

Sebastian Dallarosa

My diagnosis: Narcissistic personality disorder (?) Also typical yandere

Sebastian is tall, rich and handsome. Probably smart too. He's meeting MC on the street, saving her life from a car accident, and then taking care for her when she is getting sick. But something is not right about him. Or is it?

He's in love with MC since they were children. It was love at first sight, and now he believes that Monika is his soulmate - and he wants her no matter what.

Dallarosa is a mafia family too, like Viotto, but several years ago Sebastian and his twin brother refused to take over the family business - and it seems that Sebastian put all his effort to get Monika Viotto, because it is the only thing that he wanted - ever.

Sebastian is probably the favorite character of the developer, because his route is longest, plus he's appearing in every other route and in most branches. He has the most CG's. And I really hate him. Either because he's triggering something from my past, or because he is so sure of himself. He is the only one with almost no regrets or remorse. He thinks that his "love" justifies everything he's doing. I hate how he doesn't give Monika a chance to decide for herself, how much he's suffocating her, how he manipulates her. He doesn't care at all what she thinks, for he has her image in his head for a long time, and he doesn't care what Monika is like for real. He shows in all the routes, and in each one he's madly in love with Monika.

When you start the game, Sebastian's route is the first you have to finish at least once, and for some time his route is pretty romantic. He says nice things to MC, dotting around her, telling her what she would like to hear. But when things unravel, he shows his true violent and/or manipulative self.

The best part of Sebastian's route was Alexander. He seems much more sane (Maybe that is because he doesn't has his own route yet)

Julian Andrei

My diagnosis: Dissociative identity disorder

Julian is working with Monika in a Cafe Luna. He seems rude at first, but otherwise he is funny and always ready to help a damsel in distress. Except he has a strange habit of vanishing for several days once a month. What does he hides?

In Julian's route Monika has a crush on him when they first meet, and in other routes it is other way around. Julian in his route is the most different from himself in other routes, except Brandon's DLC. Because in most routes he is just a friend and co-worker of Monika, and doesn't show his violent streak, also he's pretty weak and can't stand himself against other characters. However we know from his route that he should be experienced in killing people, so it is strange that he's always trying to rescue MC unprepared. (I guess it is one of frustrating features which lead MC to unavoidable bad ends).

Julian is in constant conflict with himself - because he has a split personality, which seems to have a mind of its own.

As for the core personality, and not the worst version of himself, I like Julian very much. He is funny, honest and noble in his own way - and trying to do his best. I don't mind his complaining and self-consciousness.

Quinn Deidre

My diagnosis: Borderline personality disorder

Quinn is gender-fluid non-binary person. And also they are the most normal character. They are a ball of sunshine. Funny, active, kind, caring, creative. But they're trying too hard to get attention that they are forgetting what is good for themselves. Quinn definitely have BPD, and it is pretty accurate portrait of this disorder. Given their traumatic past, it is not strange that Quinn has it. Their family is fundamentally religious and they always felt that they don't belong at home. So they're looking hard for the place where they belong.

Meeting Monika as a roommate, Quinn is falling in love with her non-judgemental attitude. But of course, they can't stand to her other suitors. (Brandon strangely accepts Quinn)

Quinn is really sweet. His bad ends are pretty sad, because they mostly end with him hurting himself.

Brandon Viotto (free DLC)

My diagnosis: Antisocial personality disorder (Psychopath)

Due to the themes of incest and underage sex (also extreme violence, but Steam is OK with it), Brandon's route is not accessible in the base game and can be downloaded as a free DLC (optionaly, because for some people this route can be too fucked up.)

Brandon's route is a history route: it begins when Monika was five, and all events in all branches are happening earlier than the beginning of Sebastian's, Julian's or Quinn's routes. You don't need to read through this route to finish the game and open secret character, but it is giving better view of Monika's personality in other routes, also after reading it, I hated Sebastian a tiny bit less.

Brandon is Monika's older brother. He's just a year older than she, but since the early childhood they were raised differently. Brandon was the favorite child, Mama's golden boy, he was given best teachers and was combat training to become the head of the family (Don). And Monika was neglected, harshly punished for all tiny mistakes, given little to no education. Most of the time their parents didn't pay any attention to her at all. Luciana Viotto is a powerful, cunning and cruel woman, and Antonio Viotto seems totally indifferent to everything that is happening in his family, until it becomes too late.

Things doesn't add up here - while Monika as a mafia princess was prepared to arranged marriage if nothing else, she probably had at least attend different social events to meet important people, but she didn't. Otherwise she would be just a disgrace of a mafia family (which she obviously become, when she went to a college, living in a worst district of a town and working for a minimal wedge)

Since tender age Brandon was trained to be a merciless killer. And while his first kills brought him tears and nightmares, later he started to enjoy killing and torturing people. Now he is hungry for power and control. And the only one he cares about is his sister. Monika.

Since they were children, Brandon always tried to defend Monika from their abusive mother. They grew very close, because they always had to depend onto each other and didn't have anyone else. Monika needed Brandon because he always came to her rescue and Brandon need his sister, because she appeals to what left of human in him. She is still his moral compass after years of killings.

When he was about 15 year of age, Brandon felt that he his feeling for Monika is not completely brotherly.

After some time of his doubts and regrets, they've became lovers, when Monika was still 14 y.o. They both knew that incest is wrong, depending on the branch, they're having more or less doubts about it.

In most scenarios revealed that when Monika was 16, she attended school, where she has met a boy and started dating him. But Brandon was furious and beat the guy so bad that he couldn't recover. Monica hasn't talked to Brandon since then, until she decided to go to college where she begins all other routes.

Brandon is the one who sees the best in Monika

I do not justify the incest, I've never understood it either. But given all the circumstances in this novel I think in Particles of Reality, Brandon is still the best choice for Monika. Maybe I'm prejudiced, because despite of everything , I liked him too much since demo. He's the only one who will never hurt her willingly, she can trust him completely and he's the one who accepts and understands her as she is.

The thing I like about Brandon the most is that he is the only one whose personality doesn't change a bit in all the routes and branches. I'm afraid that is because he's the least favorite boy for the developer, but still he doesn't pretend. Also he's the only one who is changing through his route - for worse, but still.

He is extremely violent, and doesn't hide that he is enjoying killing people, but it seems that he can have his doubts and regrets about everything that concerning Monika. (Nevertheless he still thought and done disgusting things)

He is also very smart, with a dark sense of humor, but I always felt that Monika can depend on him. With him she is safe, but he can go too far to secure her.

I can't rate any of the characters, since they're shown as the worst versions of themselves. As for their "core personality", I like Sebastian the least, because I can't find any of his personality outside of his obsession. As for secret character, his purpose in this novel seems only for breaking forth wall, so it is hard to say something about him for now.

Overall:

Visual: 4/5

Story: 4/5

Characters: 5/5

Romance: 2/5

Originality: 5/5

My Rating: 5/5

(I can't recommend it to anyone, since it is very dark and not for everyone, but also couldn't give it less than 5 stars, because I'm sure that this game has a powerful impact on every person who has read it)

You can get this visual novel by Arewar on Steam or on itch.io

[reine-uls]

Legit… Real talk.

It’s not that deep. I’m saying this though.

I honestly dont know if I’m ever going to finish my KNY fics, especially Cold Affections. Because sometimes I would get new hyperfixations of different fandoms and hop on into that and put my current works into hiatus. I have done that thrice and that’s why I barely update. That’s why I tried to go back to KNY and not move on bc I genuinely like the fandom and the story.

Another reason is my mental health. I’m genuinely sorry that I have the most crappy mental health. I’m not joking. I’m sorry. I know I’m pathetic in real life. I have low self-esteem. I have extreme anxiety and depression. I couldn’t keep it together despite with theraphy. Update: I’m actually relapsing again, and I’m lying to my therapist now that I am “recovering” My problems in my house and school, genuinely got worse and I’m just trying to hide it. Everything is just on a shaky status and I tried so hard not to go insane. My suicidal thoughts are there again and it’s getting vividly persistent everyday.

Another reason. Readers losing interest in KNY. Since anime KNY is almost done, probably gone in less than 2 years, the fandom might is well disappear. And no one will be there to read my works. I know I decided to write fics bc I wanted self-indulgence, yet in the end I wanted recognition. Sounds stupid. I know. It’s just a fanfic. It’s just a meaningless fantasy non canon story. And yet I spent years writing it. Honestly, reaching 200k+ in Cold Affections exhausted me. And I am even rewriting it because I’m a perfectionist. I hate that.

There. Another reason I hate about myself is being a perfectionist. Idk why I had the need to please people when I’m writing these fics for myself. It actually tires me yet I still do it. I don’t mind but it actually tires me.

So anyways, there’s a possibility that I might not finish these fics. Yes. Even Cold Affections. For many stupid reasons, because stupid decisions always start and end stupidly right?

I genuinely like my fics bc I made it but at the same time I don’t like to reach to the point I might hate it. I like sharing my stories and yet idk why I can’t finish it.

[sjbattleangel]

Public Service Announcement: Please, stay away away from HellYeahHeroes, Ubernegro, Chadfarsight*, KK4EverStuff, and Cohore.

*I'm aware Chadfaresight doesn't speak to HellYeahHeroes anymore but she's still responsible for spewing the very same toxicity.

HellYeahHeroes/HellYeahTeenSuperHeroes, Ubernegro, Chadfarsight, Cohore and others are the most vile, most pettiest, most hateful people who have no right to call themselves "comic fans".

[Trigger warning for screencaps in the links] They will personally target comic writers using hyperbolic, personal attacks on them: Disgusting insults, making horrible assumptions of them like calling them "Hacks" multiple times, along with "Pussys", "eugenists", "homophobes", "perverts", "mysoginysts", "sex offenders", "cowards", "rape apologists", "fascist sympathizers", "Nazi apologists", "dog f***ers", telling them to "lick goats" and more.

The way they talk about writers like Jason Aaron, Jonathan Hickman, Ed Brisson, Matthew Rosenburg, Dan Slott, Donny Cates, Brian Michael Bendis, James Tynion IV, Scott Snyder, Joshua Williamson and others, it's clear that they hate them solely as people. In fact, they have held a deep personal hatred for them WAY before they read any of their works. Yet they will happily mask what is clearly a bloody vendetta against people ,who never harmed them, under a smokescreen of "criticising crappy writing" and wanting their favourite characters "treated with respect".

KK4EverStuff has gone on to send death threats and wish harm upon creators, it's very possible HellYeahHeroes, Ubernegro, Cohore and Chadfarisght have done so too.

Please, report and block them. They are the most hate-filled toxic people to ever exist in the comic fandom.

Eventually, My friend Samasmith23 and I bumped into @Majingojira and told him HellYeahHeroes and co.'s behaviour since he is their friend. Because of his more chilled, open-minded attitude, we thought he would listen to us and condemn this behaviour but instead...

...he just kept shifting the goalposts; using whataboutisms: Like "Oh, HYH doesn't talk about comics anymore", "KK isn't a member of our group", "That was old stuff", "he (Samasmith) should hold SJBattleAngel to a similar standard", "Screencaps as ammunition is a C*micsgate tactic" and others.

He then suggested that I "fabricated" the screenshots.

But worst of all?

He made excuses for their abhorrent behaviour towards creators. He dismissed our calls for acountability as "tone-policing", being "puritanical", operating under "Tumblr Morality" ect.

He even excused HYH and co's attacking of comic writers by saying: "Complaining about insults towards creators is rich when creators themselves are generally okay with its existence. Just don't do it to their face."

NO.

Calling for innocent creators to be fired is NEVER "okay"!

Telling them to "lick goats" is NEVER "okay"!

Attacking them as "perverts", "eugenists", "fascism apologists" is NEVER "okay"!

Encouuraging harrasment against them NEVER, NEVER "okay"!

Sending them literal death threats is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER "okay"!

Majingojira turns a blind eye to toxic fan harassment and, by doing so, enables it. Stay away from him.

I've wrote to multiple comic/nerd/fandom blogs on Tumblr, telling them about HellYeahHeroes's and his friend's toxicity; asking them to shame this sort of behaviour. But most never reply back. They probably think I'm some sort of "troll" trying to "start drama". And I don't blame them, HellYeahHeroes, Majingojira, Ubernegro and others are some of the most beloved, well-respected comics/social justice bloggers on this website, I understand looking up to someone thinking they could never do any wrong. I know because I was once one of those people.

You know, this takes a toll on my mental health: Trying to tell people that some of the most revered members of our communities are actually horrible pieces of work, but they don't believe you. It's like being trapped in a room all alone, with no door. You scream the truth at the walls, hoping a door will appear. But it never does, and you're stuck forever with no-one to hear your cries. And it hurts. This pain of never being believed.

I hope you all understand.

I just want our community to be safe and healthy. Please, believe me.

Dear @Hellyeahheroes, @ubernegro, @farsight-the-char @Cohore,

The way you targeted and demonized creators like Dan Slott, Tom King, Donny Cates, Jonathan Hickman, Ed Brisson, Matthew Rosenburg, Grant Morrison, Jason Aaron, Brian Micheal Bendis, Adam Glass, Tom Taylor, Scott Snyder, James Tynion IV, Joshua Williamson, Rian Johnson, Neil Druckman was just disgusting and horrible. You have every right to dislike their work but to personally attack and vilify them is unacceptable! They are not "misogynists", they are not "creeps", "they are not "racists", they are not "antisemites", they are not "eugenists", they are not "fascist sympathizers", they are not "Nazi apologists", they are not "closeted Neo-Nazis" but most of all: They are not "hacks!"

To @Hellyeahheroes, @ubernegro, @farsight-the-char, @Cohore,: Seeing your disturbing parasoical hatred of creators like Slott, King, Cates, Hickman, Brisson, Rosenburg, Aaron, Bendis, Snyder, Tynion Williamson, it's clear that outside of comics, way before you read any of their work you've always held a personal vendetta against them as people.

Why? Did they personally hurt you or your loved ones? Did they ruin your lives? Even if they did, that gives you no right to email them countless death threats!

I don't know what you think but personally attacking these writers and sending them death threats will not magically undo the likes of One More Day, Robin: One Year Later, Avengers Academy: Arena, Avengers Undercover, Heroes In Crisis! No! Your actions are the very reason people see nerd fandom as a toxic cesspool of bullying and entitlement. And you're just proving them right!

Apologise, do better or leave.

Tell Lily Orchard, CinemaSins and Mr. Plinkett I said hi.

[drivinmeinsane]

Thoughts on Henry Letham as a romantic partner

A warning for mention(s) of: self harm, suicidal thoughts, and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

He fell in love with you from the moment he laid eyes on you. When you actually said something to him, he wanted to marry you right then and there. He can't stop thinking about being your boyfriend, your fiance… your husband. He started referring to you as being his to the people in his life before you ever went on a date. He proposes to you at the most random times and in unexpected ways. He's popped the question in the grocery store, gently slipping a twist tie onto your ring finger. He's looked at you with those earnest blue eyes and offered you a ring made from blades of grass with a dandelion masquerading as a stone. You keep every makeshift ring he gives you. Henry always has the real ring with him in case you say yes and mean it. He spends every moment he can get with you, and every moment you're not with him, you're swimming around in his thoughts. He's as obsessed with you as he is with art. He often asks you to pose for him while he paints. The two of you go all over the city. You go with him to art galleries, to shows, to the aquarium, to even the most mundane places. He prefers to walk or take public transport. He hates driving. It gives him a sense of impending doom. He doesn't sleep well. Some nights, he stands in front of a canvas for hours on end, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Other nights, he lays next to you in bed, flashes of indecipherable visions running through his mind. Henry struggles with his mental health. He has an ongoing problem with self harm and suicidal idealization. He hates being a burden for you when he has his bad days. Sometimes he fantasizes about ending his life with you as a witness to it, to gift you his final work of art, but he knows he should never ask that of you. He utilizes touch as a way to express his affection. He interacts with the world in a very tactile way. Of course that would extend to you. You have to peel him off of you and dodge his grasping hands. It's like playing keep away. The two of you have made a game out of it that always ends up with you laughing together after he catches you. He has a good relationship with his parents. He takes you with him when he visits them. They love him and they immediately took to you as well. They're so happy that their son has someone. They worry about him. Henry wants to share all of his interests with you. He also wants you to share all of yours with him. The two of you have spent hours on the floor of your crappy apartment debating topics over containers of Chinese takeout. He has a difficult time remembering to care about his own needs and wellbeing. With you around, it becomes a priority. He wants to be the best version of himself that he can for you, even if he doesn't think he will ever be good enough for someone like you. He's big on documenting and recording the existence of the people he loves. There's countless photos and shaky video camera footage of you. That doesn't include the pages of notes and sketches.

18+ thoughts below the cut

He broke down the first time you got undressed together and touched his bare skin. You didn't treat the scarred areas of his body any differently than the rest of him You weren't disgusted. You just touched him with care and desire he never could have imagined and it left him weeping. He gets so overwhelmed that he will often cry during or after sex, usually thanking you profusely for being allowed to touch you like this. He's needy and whiny at times, pleading for you. It's not unusual for him to bury his face in the crook of your neck or against your chest to let out sobbing breaths while he fucks into you. On some occasions, he asks if you will let him be rough. Even when he has a choking hold on your neck, there's reverence and respect in everything he does. Gentleness. He's in awe that you are flesh and bone just like him. How could someone so good to him be human? There's a part of him that wants to ruin you. He all but worships you. It's his life's work to make you feel as good as you make him feel. If he doesn't have you squirming and teary from overstimulation by the end of things, he hasn't done enough. He wants you to hurt him sometimes. He wants you to bite him, claw at him, bruise him. He wants you to straddle him and put a cigarette out on his pale skin. He wants to be put at the mercy of your grace. Anything to leave a mark and make him feel real.

{ m a s t e r l i s t }

[compassionatereminders]

How does one take care of their social anxiety? I (30+) already have a job where I'm allienated from my co-workers because I ruin the vibe with my immense awkwardness and difficulty maitaining eye contact and palpable anxiety. They get nervous and visibly uncomfortable talking to me. And I have an extroverted colleague that I share an office with that always keeps wanna talk to me and make me laugh and I don't find it funny and I already asked a few times if I could get my own office space and got refused every time because there's not enough office space in the department I work at. And the guilt that I'm not entertaining my co-worker, he hates me, I can tell by his passive-aggressive remarks and cold eyes and then those feelings of guilt enhance my anxiety which then spills into all interactions forming a vicious circle. I wish my co-workers would get the hint that I wanna be left alone and if they don't want awkwardness they should just leave me alone and let me work in peace. Why can't we just work in peace and not also worry if we're entertaining people around us while doing so. I already know I'm one of the rare people who struggles with this because I need to have peace and quiet to work so unless I start doing mistakes. I also have almost constant brain fog because of this stupid social problem and expectations

This is a really crappy situation and I'm so sorry you're stuck in this mess, but I don't offer this type of mental health advice and I don't give work related advice. It's in my pinned post. I'm sending my love though and I hope you find a solution!

[monowritestoomuch]

ACOTAR ELUCIEN VS ELRIEL RANT

I’ve been asked to voice my opinion about this topic numerous times, and here’s what I’m gonna say:

I don’t give two damns about either one! You heard me!

The arguments annoy me to the hells because it’s one person going “I like my classic flower girl and emo shadow angst fest” vs “I like my nature girl and a fire boy awkward fest”

Two sides of the same coin

Honestly, I’ve never been a fan of Elain or Azriel. I remember reading for the first time and within the first few pages I told my friend who had recommended me the book that she seemed bitchy and empty, she has a bit more personality now but idk just never my favorite.

I would like to see more of her character in future books before I make my entire assumption and assimilate my opinions

However, Azriel never stuck out to me. Kinda basic shadowboy ngl. And I know I’m about to have every SINGLE AZRIEL GIRLIE BE LIKE “dOnT u tALk cRaP AboUT OuR MAn”

I can and I will. Deal with it.

He’s never stuck out for me cuz he has no personality besides flirt and I have big wings. It’s not that I hate him, it’s just that I wish he was given more personality if SJM would do that, but I don’t think so.

And for the love of god, leave Gwyn alone, like bro, 😭😭😭 what did she do???? Let her, Emerie and Nesta gossip and fight and do their stuff, stop character assaulting the redheads ppl! 🫵🫵🫵

HOWEVER

LUCIEN IS MY BOY. MY TOKEN NORMAL GUY IN THE SEA OF CRAZIES AND COOKS IN THIS SERIES

Lucien. Everyone’s favorite flirt who doesn’t try to be more than he is. He’s subtle and a little bit of an asshole but he has personality! And flare, and a good ass backstory!

I honestly only want him to be happy, I could care less about the other two I just want Lucien to get a break from his copious amounts of PTSD from his long crappy-esc life

Another thing, BRING BACK JESMINDA

SJM, you already revived a ton of others, why not Jesminda? She was one of the best characters in the whole book series and she was literally dead. Like, she was one of the few stable relationships Lucien had and she died.

Now hear me out when I say this, Lucien should maybe stay single, for the time being, for his mental health

He needs to heal too, don’t forget that, let him heal with Jurian and Vassa and not be seen as a spy or as a shady guy when he needs a break.

Not to mention he’s apparently in the spring court rn so we’ll see more of that

anyway, tldr, Idgaf abt either ship, both can suck it idc which ends up cannon, the arguing is stupid, don’t send threats to one another, be adults, Lucien needs therapy, the end

[fertilize-my-eggs]

The night stalker ch.4

The traumatic experience.

Ch.1 ch.2 ch.3 ch.5 A03

Never in my adult years have I experienced this in my life, I couldn't stop thinking about it, I feel like I'm going to throw up again. Once I told Katsuki what happened in seconds, they didn't drive far as they were back near me.

The police were in my room, looking at the evidence. I give them my phone because I show them the video from that sick man.

Katsuki pulled me closer as he rubbed my head, tearing running down his face as he was afraid of losing his friend.

“ I thought I lost you smiley. ” I patted his back as I nodded my head, too emotional to speak.

The policeman came up to us.” we’ll check the DNA of the hand and to see who it belongs to, ms.______ you have to leave this area make sure no one is following you right? ” I nodded my head as I pulled katsuki, the man nod his head politely. 

“ Excuse me ma'am, your room has been closed for now but you can take your belongings and we'll make sure the night stalker doesn't do this again. ” I nod my head as Kirishima and Denki told me that they will take my belongings since they don't want me to go back.

“ Hey smiley, you can stay with me for now, I won't let that bastard do anything to you. ” 

I nodded my head as I watched the police putting tape and telling others that the area is close.

*Three weeks later*

After living with bakugou for three weeks, these days have been acceptable but easy, I haven't seen or heard anything from the night stalker. I've had a stressful time in college and wasn't able to learn Japanese from that killer hunting my dream.

It gets worse as I remember it was him holding the camera now to him being fully naked and having sex with me as I watched in shock, he was covered in blood with the same smile when he pulled his dick out in front of me.

It was disturbing as I immediately woke up covered in sweat as Katsuki has worried expressions whenever I scream out loud.

I hate that man. I hated how he made me feel, it was unsettling but somehow my body was enjoying it and dirty talking in his native tongue made me feel some type of way, I couldn't describe it.

The police keep me updated with the case, they still haven't found him and makes this nerve wracking because I know deep down he is still looking for me and will find me soon or later.

My mental health gets worse and worse by the days as I curl into a ball as I cry out, the guys were helpful as they try everything to keep me safe but I know for a fact he's in the shadows.

Everyday, I keep looking behind me or anywhere, I can't sleep or eat food. This cost me to lose weight as I feel like this is heavy on my shoulders.

Bakugou put a hand on my shoulder as he pulled me close.

“ hey smiley, I'm sorry you've been feeling crappy these past few days. How about we enjoy a club with the guys? We'll keep an eye on you but also will help you loosen up. ” I widened my eyes as I smiled, I mean you haven't seen the night stalker lately this can relax my head as I said.” yeah let's go together, it'll be fun. ”

Katsuki texts the guys as I begin to take a shower, nice warm water will feel nice on my body.

I rub my eyes as I didn't think much, I'm excited to go to the club with the guys.

As I rub soap on my face and a bit into my hairs, it feels nice as I sigh softly.

Once I finished, I got out and dressed in a simple casual black dress that was a bit short on me but I was feeling pretty today. I looked at myself in the mirror with a smile as I headed out.

We agreed to get together in Kirishima’s car since he wasn't going to drink today.

The club was an hour drive away but it's fine. The sky got a bit dark as we headed inside to see the bright colorful light and booming music.

I couldn't hear anything as Katsuki was holding my hand as he whispered." Do ya wanna dance? ” I nod my head as we head to the dance floor, we're enjoying the good time.

Bakugou being a great dancer and gentle with me fills my heart with warmth as I watch Kirishima and Denki at the booth order drinks.

I couldn't help but start to blush, Katsuki being more obvious with the flirty, I remember him giving me a bouquet of roses, sometimes a love letter to me recently as I smile softly.

He pulled me closer as he looked into my eyes then my lips. I feel like this is a cheesy romance movie as he leaned in to kiss my lips. It was soft and gentle as we danced to the loud music.

Katsuki pulled me into an embrace as I held him close, we slowly removed away as we headed towards the guys while holding hands like young love teenagers.

They both cheer in joy as they clap their hands together.

“ wahoo finally!! ”

“ you guys are becoming official? ”

 I begin to blush as Katsuki pulls my waist closer to his.

“ I don't know, do you wanna be my girlfriend smiley? ”

My smile grew as I pulled him into a hug.” yes!! Yes bakugou. ” We share a sweet kiss as the guys scream in joy.

We sat together as we grabbed the shots.” cheers!! Cheer for the new couple!! ” Denki say as he throws the shot down his throat as we clink our shots together.

“ cheers!!! To us. ” we both share the shots as we begin to drink away, we end up drinking more then one shot as I'm getting loose and drunk by the minute.

I dragged Katsuki to the dance floor as we grind against each other, we began to have a heated sloppy kiss as we pulled away, Katsuki had a soft look as he whispered.” I'm going to the bathroom, do you wanna come? ” I shake my head as I say.” I wanna dance a little more kats~. ” he nodded his head as he left me in the crowd of people. I danced to the music as I didn't think much about it.

I don't know where Kirishima and Denki are at since they're probably talking to people to dance with or women.

I put my hands on my hips as I danced alone until I gasp suddenly as I looked down to see a pair of hands, I feel a body grind behind me as I giggle.

“ kats, you're back so soon.~ ” I grind back as the music gets more raunchy by the minute but no response… I didn't think much of it as I'm heavily drunk, I see the hands slowly go up to my breast as it greedily grips it harshly.

I gasp as I giggle, I turn around as I hug him smiling like an idiot.

As I look upwards to see if it is katsuki, my heart drops down to my belly as my shocked expression widens in fear, staring at the man that I'm hugging is the night stalker as he has a smirk on his face.

He leaned in to whisper.” Don’t cause a scene little bunny.~ ” he carcasses my cheeks as he coo.

“ we’re leaving already, act normal and don't make eye contact with anyone. Do you hear me? ”  I understand what he was saying as I feel like my life is over, he is going to murder me.

“ you're in big trouble for snitching on me about my special present, you don't like it? ” I couldn't speak as I feel my body is shaking, I need to find katsuki fast.

He leaned in, nipping my ear.” since you hate the gift that I give you.~ I'll make this ten times worse for you, say goodbye to your boy toy and the guys. ” We walked away from the club and into a red sporty car, seeing a man with black hair and full of tattoos and piercings.

“ Get in and don't make this hard for the both of us. ” 

Then everything went blurred afterwards.

[lazulisocinfodump]

Adminverse Sec is A Complete and Utter Mess of A Person - An Essay

Sec is trying so very hard to make everything work for everyone. Shes trying to encourage everyone, life people up, strive towards everyone Getting Along, trying to mediate. Trying to give good advice.

But shes only Mid at it overall. And She knows it.

(Warning, this might get kinda heavy, this dives headfirst into messy mental health issues)

Sec wants to be useful soooooo bad but simultaneously think they are mostly worthless AND that their actions/words have a big impact on people. Its a weird contradictory belief.

People often mistake self-hatred as a virtue, as a type of humility. Sometimes people think self-hatred is the opposite of pride when it really isn't. Sometimes, self-hate is really just the most painful variant of Self Obsession.

And Sec Hates Herself.

I mean, part of it is she has The Big Fat Mega Depression. And Depression can cause you to spiral into self hatred. But also, She is full of blaming herself for events she actually had very little control over. But this self-blame is also something she is using to hide from herself that fact that she deeply resents her older sister.

Arlee was so amazing, so special, so talented, so bright and loud and attention grabbing. And Sec? Sec was never special. Never talented. Never worth much. Can't she have a piece of what her sister Arlee was? It isn't Fair!

And Arlee was the person who loved her the most, yet even she did not think she was worthy of respect? Even she was willing to disregard anything she had to say? Even after how much Sec supported her? Consoled her? Forgave her for the crappy things she tended to do out of impulse? Reined her in from destroying herself again and again?

Arlee was the one who loved her the most, and she was not willing to try and fight for their relationship once Sec started pulling away? And to top it all off, she went and DIED on her, leaving her ALONE with no hope of fixing things? For something stupid as a fight for the sake of her pride? Was Sec not even worth living for vs dying for saving face?

And then there is the resentment Sec *is* aware of in herself. Like the resentment she feels about wanting the kindness she tries to give other people to be given to her. Can't being Nice cause people to love her, give her affection, think she is special? Kinito is meant to be Everyones Best friend, he is meant to be somebody who Loves, who gives you attention and care. Yet no matter how much she tries, or invites, or offers... she simply is not the priority even to him.

And Sec knows that this line of thinking is irrational. She knows this whole situation is FAR from being About Her. But the feelings won't go away. And it just gives her more ammo for her self-hatred.

Often the thought going through her head is: "I'm only pretending to be kind, to be nice, to care. But I'm a lying fraud that only cares about themselves. If I actually cared, I would leave the situation and stop interfering with people who can actually do something."

Its not really the full truth though. Sec is a genuinely kind person. She does very much care about all the characters in adminverse. She really, really wants Everyone to have a happy ending (Yes even Scary Face, just not at the cost of Casey dying lol). She wants everyone to have hope. She wants everyone to be free from their suffering, to grow to become better people. She wants the rifts between Sonny and Nito and Casey and Nito to heal, or at least for them to come to an understanding.

And even if everything ended with her being nothing more than a footnote and forgotten, she would be genuinely very happy for everyone if things get better for them. In spite of her resentment. Sec would put her life on the line to save Kinito, Owl, Casey, Sonny or Addie if it came down to it.

But Sec also has a martyr complex, deep self worth issues, unresolved resentment, is drowning in grief, sadness and self-pity and is disgusted with herself for it. And she won't talk about most of it .

She only talked about Arlee's death because she wanted to shock Kinito out of his complacency AND show that she had firsthand experience of what his path might end up being if he didn't change. And then later to show that he was not Alone in carrying mistakes and guilt he could not fix.

Sec Hates being guilt tripped and does not want to do that to others (despite the fact that she kinda does guilt trip others, just more subconsciously). But she is hypocritically trying to give emotional advice and support when she herself is the emotional equivalent of a dumpster fire that she won't seek help to put out.

This lady is trying to save others from drowning knowing full well that she herself is drowning too. What does she expect?