#hatchetfield crack theory

[kmesons]

crack theory: peanuts! (the song) takes place in the tgwdlm timeline

dan and donna go to work on the morning after the meteor strikes and are instructed by their boss, who, strangely, has been humming a tune since they walked through the door of the headquarters of hatchetfield action news, to sing a song about peanuts, the hatchetfield pocket squirrel. they say, why not, it's all part of the job. sure, there are some strange lyrics, like "if there's an apocalypse, he'll survive it," and "he's had a meteoric rise," but they don't think too hard about it, since the town's crazy about peanuts anyway.

they are instructed not only to sing it in the newsroom, but also to venture out into town to sing it on-air, which is even more suspicious, but they do it, because donna thinks it would be funny. dan and donna do their regular news in the morning (which is what paul hears before he leaves and la dee dah dah day begins), and then launch into song, unaware that their coworkers nearby are singing a different tune (la dee dah dah day). when they start to explore the streets of hatchetfield, it seems strangely empty. they spot man in a hurry, in a hurry, and get the opportunity to continue the bit by interrogating him about peanuts.

they continue to walk through hatchetfield together - they even get some weird flash mobs broadcasted on video - until, by pure chance (or so they think) they spot peanuts. what a coincidence! but why isn't she with proud papa ed? and why does she have bizarrely blue eyes? suddenly, peanuts the hatchetfield pocket squirrel begins singing. to dan and donna. and they proceed to lose their minds on-air as their worldview regarding supposedly non-sentient squirrels is shattered ("WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?? WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP??? IS THERE A GOD????").

then, dan and donna quickly become infected and the song continues as normal, except it never ends (there are tiny breaks for dan and donna to do regular news, but only while there are still survivors left in hatchetfield). peanuts! is forever.

this means that, not only was the hfpd part of it, but so too was donna (and dan). professor hidgens did not consider this. more importantly, this means that peanuts did, in fact, not make it out of there and was infected at the end of tgwdlm. in fact, I would go so far as to say that peanuts was one of the prime instigators in allowing the hive mind to infiltrate clivesdale. meanwhile, an infected dan and donna will sing her praises forevermore in the form of peanuts! (the song).

[marvelmaniac715]

Crack fan theory: Webby and the Lords in Black’s mother is Chorn from Firebringer

[random-jot]

Tinky sends Peter Spankoffski back in time and he becomes the founder of Pizza Pete's sned tweet

[man-down-in-hatchet-town]

Steph’s Mom

So Solomon Lauter probably sacrificed his wife to the Lords in Black, right?

All the Starry Children lore aside, Solomon’s scenes in Act Two of Nerdy Prudes tell us several things: Solomon believes that certain problems can only be solved by asking the Lords in Black for help, he knows that help comes at a huge price, and that the last time he had anything to do with the Black Book things went so painfully that he refuses to so much as touch it again.

Put all this together, and it seems highly likely that Solomon Lauter made his own deal with the Lords in Black, probably around 2005 when the book first came into his care. But what was his price? What do you want, Solomon? The things he seems to cherish—power, respect, influence—are all very much still in his life. But he doesn’t have the mother of his child. So she was the sacrifice. And Steph is forever a reminder of that guilt and loss, which could go some way towards explaining his behavior towards her.

This also adds an additional layer to the Lords in Black sacrifice sequence in Nerdy Prudes. While the Lords in Black are perfectly willing to accept a sacrifice from any of the three teens, they angle extra hard for Steph to shoot Pete. And yeah maybe that’s so Tinky can put him in the Bastard’s Box, or because murder is always best, or simply because Steph is the teen doing the most talking. But maybe it’s also because they enjoy the idea of a pattern—generations of Lauters summoning them to sacrifice someone beloved, Steph unwittingly putting Pete directly in her lost mother’s place. The Lauters summoned them once, now the Lauters have summoned them twice….

(Also how poetic would it be for Steph and her father, despite their many differences and conflicts, to have ultimately made the same decision? Though of course Steph was lucky enough that Max and Grace intervened.)

But this does raise the question—What was Solomon’s deal? What would he have sacrificed his wife for? His position of power? He seems far too worried about losing the election for that to be the case.

(The timeline on this doesn’t really work because there’s a lot between 1979 and 2005 to account for and we have no real record of ghosts wreaking Max-level havoc for 25 years, but I keep coming back to the fact Solomon knows a lot in particular about the Waylon curse and how to stop it. And if nothing ever truly dies in the Waylon House, then where are the Waylons themselves? The obvious answer is that Miss Holloway did them in back in the 80’s… but still…)

And did he make that sacrifice in all the timelines? Or just in the ones where Holloway died and wasn’t around to have the book? There’s no mention of Steph’s mother in Nightmare Time, implying that the answer is the former. So who got the book from who? How do Miss Holloway and Solomon Lauter know each other?

Idk there’s so much to think about. It feels like we know so much and so little at the same time. Thoughts?

[diesmercurii]

new theory : homeless ted wasn’t even infected in lah dee dah dah day he was just dancing for fun

[violetheart77]

Okay but like the fact there’s not even any mention/indication of what Steph’s living situation is at the end of Nerdy Prudes when she’s presumably an orphan (*a legally adult one, but I digress). Like OBVIOUSLY it’s because that’s not important to the Dance scene and would be too much of a downer on Lautski’s Big Night

but like what if we were all overthinking it and Steph’s mom actually is alive and just divorced Solomon because she got tired of dealing with his shit.

[riddlegecko]

ahem. obligatory post where i point out blinky being played by lauren in npmd. thank you.

[gingerhastoomanyobsessions]

Let me get out my red string conspiracy board for a second.

Personally, I think that the girl in the middle of the summoning circle in the black book illustration is Webby, despite the orange hair color. Because if Webby was a Lord once, what was her color?

Orange.

Red is Nibbly (pink is a lighter form of that color, and red is already present in the design), yellow is Tinky, green is Wiggly, blue is Pokey, and purple is Blinky. Orange is the only option left.

Let me pin another piece of red yarn to the board here: why are these eldritch monstrosities seemingly limited to a tiny island in Michigan? They don’t seem to directly mess with anywhere else. A portal to the Black and White was built in Moscow, but that seems to have been a secret government operation, not any organic doings on their part. Furthermore, they only seem to be active from the 1800s onwards. And one of them has domain over Time And Space! What could possibly constrain them to a tiny island and a 200-some year timeframe?

Third conspiracy string: Where is their dad?? As OP mentioned, their father was a chaos deity, but we don’t seem (seem) to encounter anyone who fits that bill. Where is he, and why isn’t he involved?

I think it could have gone like this:

Webby and the Lords all start out as purely chaotic offspring of their father, neither evil nor good, neither “Black” nor “White”

At some point, they have to get their father out of the way. They seal him away/banish him/destroy him/what have you, but by doing so, they greatly decrease their power and end up shackled to Hatchetfield Island, only able to mess with it from the 1800s onward

Over time, they each drift closer to either the Black or the White (Nibblenephim could’ve gone to the White and become a harvest deity, Bliklotep could’ve become a god of wisdom, Pokotho could’ve become a god of music/art/communication, etc)

Webby slowly grows closer to humanity and “betrays” the Lords by siding with the mortals and going full White

Wiggly retaliates by coaxing the other Lords into doing some Evil Magic about it (as seen in the illustration) that drains some of her power and takes her color, siding fully with the Black. This probably involves Willabella Muckwab somehow, since she wrote the Black Book and drew that illustration

also side note I definitely think all of the lords are like. teenagers. maturity-wise. wiggly would be the eldest but even he seems to be like…a stuck-up high schooler who wants to major in business. just old enough to be cynical about capitalism, just young enough to throw a tantrum about it when it doesn’t go his way. nibbly is the youngest, I think, because all he cares about is food. very much a kid who keeps asking for snacks

And… even MORE Hatchetverse Theory on the history between Webby and her brothers

Based on my earlier poll about the potential history between Webby and her brothers. I'll go through each option and discuss the merits of each theory as well as they ways they could be combined.

The rest of my posts are under "#hatchetverse theory". Read below for an unhinged rant.

Before I dive into the possibilities for what history could exist between the brothers and Webby, I first want to review what little we know about their relationship and why I focus so much on Webby and Wiggly's relationships specifically as opposed to Webby and the other LIB:

We don't know their birth order, but based on the fact Wiggly acts as the leader of the LIB with little resistance from his brothers and Webby's verse in "the web I spin for you" where she talks about her brothers teaching her, currently the most common head canon seems to be that Wiggly is the oldest and Webby is the youngest (I also head canon that the reason Wiggly uses "baby talk" is because that's how he talked to his newborn siblings, and he never grew out of it because he enjoys infantilizing anyone and everyone).

The LIB all seem to want humanity to suffer for different reasons, but out of all of them, Wiggly seems to have the most interesting motivation. Blinky and Nibbly's motivations seems to be the most straightforward: Blinky likes to watch people suffer; Nibbly is hungry. Pokey just wants to put on a one man show and get rid of everyone else that's not him (he's basically an insane version of Hidgens with absolute power), and Tinky just seems to like messing around with time and specifically has it in for the Spankoffskis, but it's unclear exactly why. Wiggly however doesn't just seem to enjoy suffering and chaos just for the sake of his own pleasure. He has Wilbur give a whole speech in Black Friday about capitalism and consumer culture, and none of the other LIB have seemed interested in monologuing about the sins of humanity thus far. Granted, I still have to catch up on Nightmare Time (I know, I'm awful), but I didn't read anything about Nibbly bothering to give a speech about gluttony right before he eats someone.

Additionally, Wiggly is also the one who demands the the teens in NPMD give up what they love the most. Nibbly just wants a snack. The LIB's song also says "Nibbly wants his sacrifice and Wiggly wants his wrath". Wrath? Revenge? Revenge for what? And why just Wiggly, why not all the LIB? It really sounds like Wiggly is the one who is primarily trying to gain something here. Wiggly's brothers seem to be following him because they get what they want, but Wiggly seems to be the driving force here.

Now the question becomes: what does Wiggly want revenge for, and why? Well, several people have pointed out that despite Webby being called a "queen", the LIB are called "lords" (though Wiggly insists on wearing a plastic child's dress up crown to make himself look like a king). There's also a line in the summoning where the LIB sing "we dance around the pentagram and take all out kingdoms back". It's possible Webby took their kingdoms from them, or that they betrayed her to take power if they believed the way she was running things wasn't to their liking, but again, this is unclear.

What does seem more clear is that Wiggly does have a personal grudge against Webby and that the feeling is mutual. He calls her a "stupid b*tch" in Black Friday, whereas Pokey in Nightmare Time only calls her his sister, and I don't think any of the other LIB had demonstrated that level of hatred towards her yet. During the song "The Web I Spin for You", it is clear by the dolls shown in the shots that Webby is singing about her brothers, but the camera focuses in on Wiggly last and holds on him the longest.

So then the question becomes: what happened between Wiggly and Webby? Who betrayed who? Did they both betray each other? What seems the most likely based on what little we know so far?

Let's dive into those poll options.

The first option on the poll was that the Lords in Black used to be good, but turned evil. I was surprised at how few votes this option got given some of the evidence presented in NPMD and "The Web I Spin for You" song that Webby sings in Nightmare Time. I'll spend some time reviewing the evidence for this, since it seems to be the least popular option and some of the evidence for this option could also apply to the others.

There are lines in the song that imply the LIB used to care about Webby, to some degree. It's unclear whether this means they were actually "good guys", but it seems like they either cared about Webby or Webby at least believed they cared about her at some point, most notably when she sings: "You used to keep me at your side, have you given it up?" and "Weren’t you the one to watch my back, unlike the witches you summon?" (which could be referring to Willabella Muckwab, the first witch of Hatchetfield who seems to have started this whole mess).

Webby seems frustrated with her brothers, but doesn't seem to hate them, at least not as viscerally as Wiggly hates her (again, he's the one who seems the most angry at her).

But it doesn't stop there. There's a few other lines in "The Web I Spin For You" that are even more concerning:

The lines I'm referring to are: "Why do you haunt me like a ghost? You’re supposed to love me the most." And "Got me in the spell you cast. The iris of your eye is black. You have a tendency to stab my back. Just like the witches you summon."

The backstabbing line implies that they betrayed her, not the other way around. But the lines chosen to convey this are particularly concerning when you consider two things: 1) the plot to NPMD and 2) the pictures of the black book and the black blade I found on the Starkid Wiki page (posted below).

There seem to be numbers marking the positioning of the knife, numbers which appear on other pages from the book on the Starkid Wiki page, but you can look at that yourself. Now, what IS interesting here is the picture. Five people in black robes, one holding a knife, his point taller than the rest like the book illustrates, and the knife is positioned in such a way that it could quite literally stab the woman in white in the back, just like Webby's song says.

Other interesting notes about the picture are that the hair of the woman is red (could still be Webby, maybe her hair changed color, or Miss. Holloway, more on her later), and it's possible the woman is wearing the baseball cap Hannah wore in Black Friday (or it could be a fold of the guy's robe, it's hard to see in the photo).

But back to my main point: why would the other LIB be stabbing Webby in the back, or as the song says "have her in the spell they cast?"

Well, I see two reasons. One is more visual, the other much darker.

The first is that the LIB sing about "dancing around a pentagram". In the black book picture, Webby, or whoever the woman in white is, seems to be placed in the middle of the pentagram.

So that's the visual reason: Webby is in the middle of the "Spells they cast" because that's physically where she's located.

Now for the darker reason, one some of you have probably already guessed, because I referred the Summoning in NPMD. You know, the part where Wiggly demands they kids give up the thing they love most for power?

Well. Remember the "Why do you haunt me like a ghost? You’re supposed to love me the most." line from the web I spin for you?

It's possible that if Webby was at one point what the LIB loved most, they could have sacrificed her to gain some sort of power.

It could also explain why Wiggly hates her so much. Maybe he also hates himself. Or hates Webby for making him feel like he had to do that. Or at least try to do that, still unclear if he attempted this, or what succeeding would even mean since Webby and the LIB seem to be immortal.

Now the evidence against this theory seems to be the fact that if Wiggly was really the one to sacrifice (or attempt to sacrifice) Webby (for the sake of, apparently, summoning witches for unknown reasons), why would he act like he's the one who needs revenge and be so angry at Webby when he betrayed her? Well, it's possible that he believes she betrayed him first, or that betraying her corrupted the LIB, similar to what happened to Grace in NPMD (but more on that in another post).

Now for the second option: that Webby used to be evil. The evidence for this is fairly straightforward, which is probably why it's the most popular poll option:

Wiggly wants revenge and hates Webby, her betraying her brothers and turning good lines up with this

The LIB have never acted benevolently or shown any genuine concern for others, whereas Webby has done semi-morally questionable things (she kills the witch Willabella Muckwab in nightmare time because she tried to hurt Hannah, but Willabella Muckwab was a bad guy who'd been dead for centuries so make of that what you will)

Webby sings about the LIB teaching her, but her becoming disillusioned and turning against them, her developing a love for humanity also lines up with this

It's still possible that the LIB attempted to sacrifice Webby as discussed above, her turning good was possibly the catalyst for this course of action

The main source of evidence against this theory is we don't know what would have caused Webby to turn good. She seems to care about children (more on that later) and not like what her brothers do with the witches they create (and then there's the mess of how Miss. Holloway fits into all this), but beyond that, it's unclear, but still one of the most plausible theories in my opinion and the fandom seems to agree with me on this one.

The next two poll options: Webby and the LIB were always on their respective sides of the Black and White, but used to be closer, or they selected opposite sides of the Black and White and that drove them apart.

Both of these seem to line up with the evidence presented thus far. The first option would explain why Wiggly and Webby feel betrayed by each other without having to change much about their characters. The second option makes sense in that it explains their conflict.

The main way these two options differ is whether Webby and the LIB were "always this way" or whether they ever had a choice. Both seem compelling, especially when you consider Wiggly's (via Wilbur) whole humanity hating Black Friday speech and Webby's care for Hannah and complicated feelings towards her brothers. If the siblings were always like this, is their room for them to change? If they chose the sides they did, why did they do so and can they change back?

The last two poll options (not counting the "other"): The sides of the Black and White Webby and her brothers are one were chosen for them or that this is somehow their parent's fault.

I put these two together because the issues with the "sides of the Black and White" being chosen for them option is: who is doing the choosing? The mostly likely possibility for this seems to be their parent (maybe parents?)

The LIB call themselves the "spawn of the Black and White", so for now let's call their parents "the Black and White". They seem to have parents, at least according to the Starkid wikipages, which state that "The Lords in Black were spawned from the same deed of evil. Their father was a giant chaos entity," and the credit of this comes from an interview with the characters' creator. I personally don't know how to verify this, so let's say it's true. What was this "deed of evil?" How is Webby their sister, was she spawn from this too? Will we ever meet their parents?

Overall, I'd say these options are possible, but given that we don't know much about their parents or the nature of the Black and White, it's hard to draw a solid conclusion.

Finally, some other unknowns about Webby and her brothers that I find interesting:

The "Starry Children" Stuff and Webby and the LIB's relationship with Children:

The LIB's followers call themselves the Church of the Starry Children, and as I pointed out before, the symbol of the LIB seems to be a star, with the LIB in the triangles and Webby in the middle, at least according to the illustrations. What's unclear is who the starry children are. Is this the name of the followers of the LIB OR is it Webby and the LIB themselves? The show might have already said this at some point and I missed it, but Webby and her brother often act very childish and playful (although often in ominous ways). This plus the fact that they apparently have parents could point to them being literal children.

Wiggly and Webby seem to have opposite relationships with children. Wiggly's Black Friday spell doesn't work on kids. Willabella Muckwab is said to have written the black book with the blood of innocents kids (again, based on the wiki page). Webby on the other hand seems to have a closer relationship with children (most clearly shown in her relationship with Hannah). You can argue that Wiggly does interact with children in NPMD, but they're technically teenagers, and as Grace says repeatedly throughout the show "they're only 18."

The Relationship Webby and the LIB have with Witches:

"The Web I Spin for You" implies Webby's brothers keep summoning witches that try to hurt her and "The Witch in the Web" implies that Webby keeps "spinning webs" to capture and stop these witches from hurting others. This lines up with everything we know about Willabella and most of the other witches and followers of the LIB.

Where this pattern seems to break is Wilbur Cross and Miss. Holloway. How is Miss. Holloway able to use the black book without being in debt to the LIB? Does she serve Webby like Wilbur serves Wiggly? Miss. Holloway also seems to care about children, again contrasting to the way Wilbur tries to hurt them. Does that mean anything? Why isn't Wilbur caught in Webby's trap like the others, and why does he keep coming back? Why do the LIB need Wilbur anyway? Why were Miss. Holloway and Wilbur chosen for these roles? Is it because Miss. Holloway encountered the White of the Black and White similar to how Wilbur encountered the Black? Or is it because the LIB and Webby just really liked their southern accents and were going for the "southern small town preacher" vibe?

I hope you like this rant. Thank you Starkid fandom!

[ragabang]

hatchetfield crack theory: matpat is a younger version of hidgens

[pinazee]

Heres a poll cause why not

*edit* ignore the title, im clearly not well versed on fandom words lol i simply meant —>

Favorite hatchetfield not canon ship

I didnt include ted/ tinky or paul/pokey just cause it seems one sided?? Idk whats going on there tbh

Nor did i include pete/richie because i already included michie and flipschitz and of the three it looked like that was the least popular

Also i think wilbur/mcnamara are technically sort of implied canon? So thats why its not listed either

Gary/linda wasn’t included because ive only ever seen ppl talk about it as a “gary is the father of one of her kids” theory and not really as a romance (though the speed with which he was ready to worship her should not be overlooked 😏)

Theres a lot of random pairing ya’ll i tried.

[booigi-boi]

Would love to know your favorite Joey character (also love the way your draw him)

Aw, thank you 🥺🐐🐇💛🤍

But my fav Joey character? Yeah, I guess I can turn this into a mini show and tell, lol 👍

From Starkid: Ted Spankoffski, which is kinda obvious. Is he a terrible person who deserves the title of "Most deaths in the Hatchetfield series"? Absolutely. Is he still my blorbo? Absolutely 👨🐐

This man has no shame and I love seeing him die anytime he appears in a HF story ✨

From Tin Can Bros: Scrags, but mostly because I am unable to rewatch SAF more than once a year, cause it gives me such slaps in my face after act 2 starts that I am emotionally unable to watch it (/pos ofc, I just can't go through sleepless nights over gay spies anymore 🥲)

So sorry Owen lovers, I just like this depressed dog dad more (Especially after the Grunch, go watch it 🐕❄)

From Shipwrecked: Easily Ernest Hemingway, no debating, lol. Funnily it's mostly cause I love his costuming/design, like this brown on brown on brown is really speaking to the artist in me, ugh 🔪🤎🥃

(Also, I own the jacket, and Joey said it's cool I own something he wore and get to make look cool again, but it's so goddamn big on my 5 foot self,,,,,,)

✨Honorable mentions✨

Sergio's design from the SAF Kickstarter, just look at this boy, peak villain Joey design 💣💼

Dash Gunfire, who I've named most of my plushies after and have a crack theory about 🐇🤍🐇🤍 (He and Agent Curt Mega are related. No I won't elaborate, iykyk)

Tripp, the Brom's Babe who is definitely the most dramatic of the three 💞 (Also, I love these three in general??? Let them be gay and do crime and be probably terrible wing men to Brom) (Someone also ask me about all the headcanons I have about them, there's a lot)

Dracula Joey

I JUST LOVE ANYTHING DRACULA RELATED, OK?? ESPECIALLY IF IT'S RELATED TO THE BOOK! IDC IF HE ONLY APPEARED FOR 3 SECONDS, HE'S A REAL CHARACTER TO ME ❤🖤🧛‍♂️🥀

[sincerely-a-walking-corpse]

The apotheosis is upon us

okok, here me out. On my most recent rewatch of TGWDLM, In the opening number my brain had a thought out of the blue. What if its more meta than we think?

What if, for ease of apotheosis, it's canonically a musical, and they bring out the real meteor at the end to infect the entire audience. Because while Hatchetfield was relatively easy to infect, the rest of the world would be a lot more difficult. And if people noticed a singing-zombie-apocalypse that might cause things like flights and boats from the americas to not be allowed into other countries.

Then what's Poky gonna do? He'd get around to it eventually, but it'd be a lot more difficult with travel restrictions. So, he makes it a play. An in-universe play called The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals. Then boom, everyone who shows up gets their own apotheosis, and the infection spreads.

This thought occurred to me kinda by accident, but also because of the opening number itself. In it we see an infected Emma, Bill, Hidgins, and several others I can't remember the names of. And while this could be just a kinda peek at the future, it could also be some extra meta fun.

Like, what if all the moments they were being meta was on in-cannon purpose. Like when Emma and Paul went through the audience, what if that was them sowing the seeds of the apotheosis??

I know this is an absolute crack theory, but I believe in it with my whole heart. so...... yeah

[marvelmaniac715]

Crack Hatchetfield Head Canon: ALL of the Lords in Black have huge crushes on Paul and the reason they keep invading Hatchetfield is so that they can ‘accidentally’ bump into him and have a Legally Blonde Elle Woods at Harvard “Oh my god Warner, I totally forgot that you go here” moment.

[honeyspawn]

Some ideas about Paul's family:

Option 1: Jon Matteson Fmily Tree - full-transparency, the Jon Matteson family tree has never really been my personal favorite, or at the very least, the idea of Paul specifically having a big chaotic extended family has never felt very "Paul" to me. Paul has always struck me as such a solitary entity in Hatchetfield, or at least until Emma shows up. That being said, I won't deny that the idea is fun. That being said, I think if we're gonna go with the whole Paul is Richie's uncle thing, I don't think he's literally the brother of one of Richie's parents. I think "uncle" in this case is used in the general way a kid refers to an adult relative, and he's more of a distant cousin. I don't really know how to explain it, but I simply cannot picture Paul with siblings. Overall though, to me, I think I prefer the idea of Gary and Boy Jerry being Richie's uncles, and Paul is just kinda separate.

Option 2: Generic Retirees - I've mentioned this in another post, but something about Paul having no relatives in Hatchetfield even though he's lived there his whole life there feels very "Paul" to me. I suppose you could conclude from this that his parents are dead, but seeing as he's only in his early 30s and that implies his parents probably died kind of young (probably somewhere in the 50s-70s range depending on how old they were when Paul was born and when they died), I like the idea instead that the explanation is the most boring one possible; they retired in Florida. Their names are Arthur and Martha Matthews, or something similarly generic. They are the most boring 60 year old couple imaginable. Arthur likes to garden. Martha likes bird watching. They have no other hobbies. They visit Paul a couple times a year. They are constantly trying to convince Paul to move to Florida. They are the Matthews family. They are boring.

Option 3: Crack Theory Time - This is insane, and I don't really believe this theory, but the idea came to me one day and I the thought wouldn't leave my head, so I need to share it. So the idea behind this is Paul is such a singular entity that it's almost enigmatic, or at least it would be if anyone cared that much. Paul never talks about his family to anyone. He never really thinks about his family, and he feels like he's been on his own for a long time. That's not to say he doesn't remember having a family. He had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago. And when he starts dating Emma and she asks about his family, that's all he has to say. "I had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago." He remembers having a mother, but he doesn't really remember anything that specific about her. He's not sure why. He never thinks too deeply about it. He's not sure he can properly recall her face unless he's looking at an old scrapbook. It's strange, though. As soon as he puts the scrapbook back on the shelf, it's like he forgets again. All that really sticks is he had a mom. She was nice. It's a shame she passed away 15 years ago. It's not like he didn't love her, of course he did, she was his mom. And she was a good mom too, he's sure of it. One thing he does remember though, is before she died, she had a long talk with him. He can't remember about what exactly, but he knows it was important. He's pretty sure she was saying goodbye. If you've watched nightmare time, you may have guessed where I'm going with this. I don't really know where this idea of mine that Miss Holloway is Paul's mom came from, it just kind of seemed like Paul being a mysteriously solo entity in Hatchetfield makes sense, and this seemed like an interesting explanation. It also would tie into the fact that Paul might have a slight latent resistance to the LiBs. In tgwdlm, Paul has a whole musical number where he resists the Hive while being infected, while the only other times anyone gets infected on stage, it's a matter of seconds. Paul is also one of the only adult characters who sees through Tickle-Me-Wiggly; even Emma thinks Tim would want a Wiggly "more than anything." Do I think this is all some insane foreshadowing? Absolutely not. This seems extremely unlikely to me, and a product of my own over-thinking, but it sure is fun to think about anyway. (Also, I've never seen anything about this online before, but if this is an existing fan theory, please let me know. The Miss Matthews theory, if you will)

Option 4: He Doesn't Have One - Paul does not have a family. He is just Paul. It's not important for Paul to have a family because they are not relevant, and therefore, they simply do not exist. This also seems very possible to me, and tbh feels appropriate, both for Paul, and for Hatchetfield. I mean heck, according to Curt Mega his shopper character in Black Friday is literally named "Shopper No. 4". Paul just straight up not having a family because he's Just A Guy™️ feels right.

Wow, this was a lot, actually. If you read this whole thing, thanks for letting me infodump, and I'd love to hear what you think.

[man-down-in-hatchet-town]

CRACK THEORY: The Hatchetfield “Show-Within-The-Show”s Are Each Hints About The Next Musical

Okay, there’s so many real-world reasons why this theory is bullshit. But it kinda’ works and it’s definitely fun, so bear with me (below the cut because it's a couple of paragraphs)

In TGWDLM, Workin’ Boys is about a group of people trapped in the capitalist (business) system, struggling with the gaping holes in their emotional/personal lives (mostly from missing each other) as time takes them away from their college selves.

While a lot of Starkid’s work critiques the capitalist system in one way or another, no show goes as hard in that direction as Black Friday. It’s all about people caught up in the capitalist grind. And Wiggly preys upon the holes created in people’s hearts by the realities of life, capitalism, grief, and the passage of time, some of the same things that plague the Workin’ Boys.

Also in Black Friday, we have Santa Claus Is Going to High School, in which Kris Kringle goes to high school and becomes a star athlete, helping Northville High go up against their nemesis South Heights. Nerdy Prudes Must Die also revolves around high school students, many of whom are caught up in a sports rivalry of their own. Also, Kris Kringle is an ancient, powerful being who assumes the form of a high schooler, just like the Lords in Black in their one Nerdy Prudes appearance.

So, pretending this theory is true, what are the ✨implications✨ of The Barbecue Monologues? They deal with the food industry, a character disconnected from their own past (I know that’s Trevor fudging his line, but whatever), and a woman who longs to perform and be the center of attention. What else in Hatchetfield ties all of that together? Who works(/has worked) in the food industry, has a shrouded past (albeit not to herself), and was likely once a performer who so cherished being known by others that the Lords in Black accepted that human connection as a sacrifice?

The next Hatchetfield musical will be about Miss Holloway.

[hatchetfieldtheories]

Workin' Boys: A New Theory

So, I’ve changed my mind.

A while back I wrote this theory, and while I do still think there is some truth to the theory that Hidgens began to have his apotheosis once he touched the blue goo, I think there is more to the story.

Note, the below contains one mild spoiler for NPMD.  Mild only in that I will briefly reference one character without any context added.  Feel free to skip this theory if you wish, or come back to it post 13th October to see how much I got wrong!!

Great Scott! It’s a Workin Boys theory!

The world will be blessed with Workin Boys next week, and I know not everyone will get to watch it, but it’s safe to say there will be things we learn from the show that will either answer some of our never ending questions, or give us more to puzzle over.  The latter being the one I’m expecting if I’m honest, afterall, this is Hatchetfield.  

And to be honest, we’ve not been given much to work on.  The trailer and synopsis are both pretty short, we’ve had a sprinkling of facts and figures over the last couple of years, and a few Hidgens cameos, so this isn’t really a theory of what I think will be the storyline, but rather an attempt to predict some of the themes and potential lore implications that might arise.

Also for reference, a good portion of the info used in this theory has come from these two wonderful compendiums of Hatchetfield knowledge:

@gone-to-oregone's wonderful Everything is Connected doc

@abiimaryy's amazing Hatchetfield Lore Doc

The Stage is Set

Professor Henry Hidgens and Doctor Emmett Brown have a lot in common.  They’re eccentric, they’re clever, and they both had a vision of something world changing due to an accident they had 30 years ago.

For Henry, this doesn’t result in any fun 50s hijinks, but rather he gets struck by lightning in 1988 and predicts the world ending by musical apotheosis. Super specific, honestly.  But what is important is that date.

Hidgens didn’t predict the events of TGWDLM after 2005, but rather before. If this had happened to him after 2005 we could easily put the lightning strike down to an event unique to the TGWDLM timeline only.  However, his accident happened way before 2005, way before the timelines split.  So just as Ted must be the Homeless Guy in every single Hatchetfield timeline, Hidgens must also be expecting a musical apocalypse in every timeline.

This must also include Working Boys, whatever timeline that ends up being in.  In Workin Boys, Hidgens would be under the impression that at some point soon, a musical apocalypse is about to happen.  So what does that have to do with said musical-within-a-musical?

Here come the LiB

It’s pretty safe to say Pokey is heavily influencing whatever happens in Workin Boys.  First of all, its a musical so it was going to be a safe bet.  But judging by the trailer, we’ve got multiple references to our fave goo gremlin. The blue light shining on Henry, multiple voices calling him in a Singular Voice, and Joey’s jumpscare where he looks like Pokey incarnate.

Who Joey is in that small clip is anyone’s guess.  I’ve seen a few theories floating about, including Chad, Mathias Waylon, and Pokey himself.  Honestly, I’m not sure, but what is important is how he looks.  Whoever this fella is, he’s got a blue hue, a cracked face, and ooze dripping down his chin.  If he’s not Pokey, he’s someone who has been Pokey-fied.

And this link was always going to make sense.  Workin Boys has had its biggest show stopping moment in Pokey’s timeline.  

But what if Workin Boys was created, because and for Pokey.

In TGWDLM, we get a whole scene of our cast of characters witnessing the meteor coming through the clouds.  Our cast of characters are busy going about their evening, finishing work, wondering what is coming through the clouds.  Notably, Paul is on his way home, from his work, in the business world.  Paul doesn’t strike me as someone who stays late at work, so it’s safe to say that the meteor hit the Earth’s atmosphere around.. 5 O’clock?

This is Pokey’s Workin Boys now

Let’s go back to that incident with the lightning strike.  Henry was hit by lightning and predicted the apocalypse.  I’ve referenced in a few theories (1 & 2) that I think lightning is more than just the LiB’s motif.  It’s the strike of inspiration, of interference, of the Lords in Black in the real world.  The Black Book contains references to lightning, we see a crack of lightning across each Hatchetfield show title, when the meteor crashes at the Starlight lightning is flashing through the sky.

Something to shock em, to bring them a crawling, a big time box office draw

When Henry was hit by lightning, he didn’t just see the potential musical end times. But he was also given Workin Boys - or at least, he was given his inspiration.  Workin Boys was always written for Pokey. It’s Hidgen’s story, yes, but the musical itself is for our blue boy.  It was a pre-destined self-destruction.

The musical Hidgens writes tells us the 5 O’Clock can’t come soon enough because in one timeline, that is when the meteor will strike.  This is why he is trying so hard to fund the show in every timeline, because in one timeline he needs to put it on stage for whatever Pokey has planned.  Whatever Pokey requires half of Hatchetfield to be in attendance for.

Prof. H and Miss H?

I’ll be honest, and apologies in advance.  I don’t think Miss Holloway is alive in the Workin Boys timeline.

We were told following NMT2’s release (via Jim Povolo’s watch series) that the Black Book we see in Killer Track was created for Workin Boys, which means providing things haven’t changed we should see the book.  If that’s the case, then Miss H doesn’t have it.  It’s possible that Hidgens somehow gets hold of the book, and when the show of his dreams doesn’t look to be going the way he expected - he does what Thrash told everyone he did - he sold his soul to the devil.  Or, well, to the Black and White.

As to when he gets the Black Book - who knows - but all I’ll say is it’s very interesting that Miss H is our 80s queen, and Hidgen’s divine inspiration also occurred in the 80s.

Encore

Well, that’s the main theory.  But we’ve got time for one last little theory that’s very loosely based on nothing.

Workin Boys: A New Musical, is based on Hidgens’ friends from college - old college chums in a beat up old house. Specifically - six of them - not including Henry.  I’ve seen a few theories regarding the six workin boys being a stand in for the LiB and Webby.  Is this a stretch? Maybe.  But it also kind of fits.  From odd instances in livestreams and tweets, it’s clear that Henry was not throwing that old pigskin around (specifically in one of Nick’s tweets that there are 7 workin boys, but 6 on the field).  Henry isn’t a part of that group.  Not fully.  So if we do get to meet any of the irl workin boys, I don’t think their dynamic is going to be quite how Hidgen’s pictures it.

Well, if you made it this far please help yourself to some interval ice cream and a show programme. And remember - there’s no exits from this broadway venue.