#jon matteson family tree

[vilnmelling]

Jon Matteson family tree headcanon, anyone?

Emma found out about each of Paul's relatives separately.

First Emma scratched someone's car, and while they were discussing what to do about it, Paul said, "If it comes down to it, I can get in contact with Gary." "Gary Goldstein? You're on a first name basis with the only lawyer in town?" "Yeah. He's my older brother."

A couple of weeks later, Emma's talking about the rare instances when she actually remembers something about the Beanie's customers, and she mentions a guy with really weird and greasy, anime-like hair. "Huh. I didn't know Richie liked Beanie's." "Who?" "Richie. My nephew. With the anime hair."

An ad for Camp Idontwannabang comes up on TV, and Emma recalls her horrible summer at Camp Idontwannabang as a teenager. Then Paul pulls out the, "I'm glad I never had to go. My cousin's one of the counselors — well, one of the directors now — so my parents decided I shouldn't have to spend an entire summer with him." "Boy Jerry's your fucking cousin?"

While on their way somewhere, they run into Daniel outside the Roller-rama. Emma's like, "God, I feel like I've seen that kid outside the Roller-rama ten times." "Yeah, Daniel goes there a lot." "Why the fuck do you know his name?" "He's my other nephew."

Finally, Paul brings Emma to a family gathering, where she spots the identical Lipschitz twins, who she's always assumed to be the same person when she's seen them separately. "There's TWO of them?" "Yeah, that's Trevor. My third nephew."

Skip forward another few weeks and there's something on the news about politics and so forth. "That secretary of defense looks a bit like you, Paul. What's he; another secret brother?" "No." "Yeah, I know, I'm just messing—" "Wallace is my cousin."

[lilacthebooklover]

jon matteson characters family reunion. richie is ignoring everyone and blasting japanese nightcore on his airpods. roman is here and acting disgusted at the food while linda boasts about her kids (said kids are currently causing mayhem that will probably end in tears). paul has brought emma with him and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. boy jerry is trying to give him a pep talk on how to propose so he can "do the do" with emma (bj recommends a walk in the woods). the hatchetman bursts in at one point. daniel lost track of time and decided it wasn't worth showing up. gary is happy to be a part of something like he was with the wiggly cult but nobody likes him. wiggly watches for a while then shows up in human form to cause more mayhem, nobody knows who he is, why he looks like them or why he speaks like a toddler but he's freaky and may or may not be on the verge of murder. fun times.

[honeyspawn]

Some ideas about Paul's family:

Option 1: Jon Matteson Fmily Tree - full-transparency, the Jon Matteson family tree has never really been my personal favorite, or at the very least, the idea of Paul specifically having a big chaotic extended family has never felt very "Paul" to me. Paul has always struck me as such a solitary entity in Hatchetfield, or at least until Emma shows up. That being said, I won't deny that the idea is fun. That being said, I think if we're gonna go with the whole Paul is Richie's uncle thing, I don't think he's literally the brother of one of Richie's parents. I think "uncle" in this case is used in the general way a kid refers to an adult relative, and he's more of a distant cousin. I don't really know how to explain it, but I simply cannot picture Paul with siblings. Overall though, to me, I think I prefer the idea of Gary and Boy Jerry being Richie's uncles, and Paul is just kinda separate.

Option 2: Generic Retirees - I've mentioned this in another post, but something about Paul having no relatives in Hatchetfield even though he's lived there his whole life there feels very "Paul" to me. I suppose you could conclude from this that his parents are dead, but seeing as he's only in his early 30s and that implies his parents probably died kind of young (probably somewhere in the 50s-70s range depending on how old they were when Paul was born and when they died), I like the idea instead that the explanation is the most boring one possible; they retired in Florida. Their names are Arthur and Martha Matthews, or something similarly generic. They are the most boring 60 year old couple imaginable. Arthur likes to garden. Martha likes bird watching. They have no other hobbies. They visit Paul a couple times a year. They are constantly trying to convince Paul to move to Florida. They are the Matthews family. They are boring.

Option 3: Crack Theory Time - This is insane, and I don't really believe this theory, but the idea came to me one day and I the thought wouldn't leave my head, so I need to share it. So the idea behind this is Paul is such a singular entity that it's almost enigmatic, or at least it would be if anyone cared that much. Paul never talks about his family to anyone. He never really thinks about his family, and he feels like he's been on his own for a long time. That's not to say he doesn't remember having a family. He had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago. And when he starts dating Emma and she asks about his family, that's all he has to say. "I had a mom. She was nice. It was a shame she passed away 15 years ago." He remembers having a mother, but he doesn't really remember anything that specific about her. He's not sure why. He never thinks too deeply about it. He's not sure he can properly recall her face unless he's looking at an old scrapbook. It's strange, though. As soon as he puts the scrapbook back on the shelf, it's like he forgets again. All that really sticks is he had a mom. She was nice. It's a shame she passed away 15 years ago. It's not like he didn't love her, of course he did, she was his mom. And she was a good mom too, he's sure of it. One thing he does remember though, is before she died, she had a long talk with him. He can't remember about what exactly, but he knows it was important. He's pretty sure she was saying goodbye. If you've watched nightmare time, you may have guessed where I'm going with this. I don't really know where this idea of mine that Miss Holloway is Paul's mom came from, it just kind of seemed like Paul being a mysteriously solo entity in Hatchetfield makes sense, and this seemed like an interesting explanation. It also would tie into the fact that Paul might have a slight latent resistance to the LiBs. In tgwdlm, Paul has a whole musical number where he resists the Hive while being infected, while the only other times anyone gets infected on stage, it's a matter of seconds. Paul is also one of the only adult characters who sees through Tickle-Me-Wiggly; even Emma thinks Tim would want a Wiggly "more than anything." Do I think this is all some insane foreshadowing? Absolutely not. This seems extremely unlikely to me, and a product of my own over-thinking, but it sure is fun to think about anyway. (Also, I've never seen anything about this online before, but if this is an existing fan theory, please let me know. The Miss Matthews theory, if you will)

Option 4: He Doesn't Have One - Paul does not have a family. He is just Paul. It's not important for Paul to have a family because they are not relevant, and therefore, they simply do not exist. This also seems very possible to me, and tbh feels appropriate, both for Paul, and for Hatchetfield. I mean heck, according to Curt Mega his shopper character in Black Friday is literally named "Shopper No. 4". Paul just straight up not having a family because he's Just A Guy™️ feels right.

Wow, this was a lot, actually. If you read this whole thing, thanks for letting me infodump, and I'd love to hear what you think.

[m0th-h]

this is the most recent update to the family tree

i think i covered all of Jon's characters. if not, please let me know who im missing in the comments-

My thoughts on the Hatchetfield Jon Matteson family tree (including some other headcanons):

Paul and Gary are brothers (twins possibly)

Gary is Richie's dad

Paul and Richie ARE close, Richie stays with Paul when Gary is too busy with a case

Ok this one is a bit iffy, so feel free to disregard it, but Roman could be Gary and Paul's father (Separate mother from Linda, but they have the same mother)

which like- think of the implications

Boy Jerry is Paul and Gary's cousin

No one really talks to him

Stopwatch (Daniel) is Richie's twin

Paul does not know that Daniel has powers, nor does he know where all this money keeps coming from

Secretary of defense is a distant cousin to Paul and Gary

Trevor and Richie are canonical brothers!!

Trevor is the older brother to the twins

Trevor was held back a grade, and that's why we still see him in npmd even though Richie is a senior

Now, for funzies, let's try to add Wiggly to the mix:

So, obviously, they are in no way blood related

But Wiggly is a little shit and likes to fuck with people

I think he'd start with Paul first, forcing Paul to interact with him

I think he'd gind it fun to see some normal ass guy completely resistant to him

He'd just bug Paul until Paul finally caves and responds to him regularly, deciding it's better than drawing out Wiggly's annoyance

It gets to the point where he makes Paul congratulate him every time he overthrows a Earth

Paul is not a fan.

I can't see Wiggly interacting with any of the others

Maybe Richie, but that's mainly just to scare the shit out of him

Wiggly would more or less leave this Paul's world alone, keeping his brothers away too

This is his Paul. They can have the other ones

[eli-am-confused]

Something, something, disaster gay president that falls in love with every man he meets.

Bonus: Howie having a drink with some cousins to vent. It’s only somewhat helpful.

Howie: I’m gonna die alone!

Paul: Howie, of course you’re not.

Bailey: No he totally is! Bartender two more rounds of shots!

If you can’t read the pictures it’s under the cut.

First picture:

Vice President Bob Morris is saying something very important.

President Howard Goodman stopped listening as soon as Morris’ blazer came off (he totally wears one but takes it off during long meetings)

Second picture:

General John MacNamara: I need you to listen very carefully mister president

Unfortunately President Howard Goodman is not paying attention anymore

Third picture:

Xander Lee is explaining some sciencey shit with the portal

Poor President Howard Goodman doesn’t understand a single word he’s saying

Fourth picture:

Wilbur Cross, knowing exactly what he’s doing: Hey Howie~

Fifth picture:

President Howard Goodman, the gayest disaster to ever be elected as America’s president: Oh no, he’s hot!

[sweet-thangman]

Its hard being a hatchetfield fan because how do I explain that yea I think this lawyer this kid with superpowers this anime nerd this sex hating camp counselor this theatre kid and this completely normal guy who likes coffee are all related but not because they all look the exact same ... just because I said so

[acutemushroom]

My version of the "Jon Matteson's characters are related" family tree

Sorry for the bad image quality, I tried to keep every character the same size without making the page too big

I know the popular headcannon wants Gary to be the father of the twins, but the surnames didn't match. So, to keep it coherent with the ages, I placed him as Paul's cousin on the tree. The twin's father not being Gary, then, I assumed he would be Paul's brother-in-law. Making him Richie's uncle from the maternal side.

As for Boy Jerry, there was nothing saying he had to be Paul's brother, but there was also nothing saying he couldn't. So, yeah, little Jerri is also Paul's nephew.

[loooongfurby4444]

What I think Paul’s family tree looks like

Also Gary would totally take his partner’s last name.

[cinderellaenjoyer]

I'm fine with the Jon Matteson Family Tree but. They would NOT be that loving to each other sorry.

[rockrosethistle]

I've been trying to figure out Jon Matteson Character Family Tree theory

after all of my limited research, here's what I've come up with:

Wallace is using his military powers to keep Lumberaxe hidden.

Richie is unhelpful to this cause and once told Pete "did you know my second cousin is the hatchetfield axe man."

'Uncle Paul' drives Gary's kids to school. One day they got in the car and there was a whole seven year old child back there also calling him 'Uncle Paul.'

Also Paul's been offering the kids money in exchange for dirt on Ted.

Gary knows one of his kids likes anime and the other likes superheroes but he can't really tell the difference. Paul has seen one episode of sailor moon and thinks he knows everything ("who do you kin? Who do you ship? You know who I kin? ... you.")

Gary also went out of his way to join the Wiggly cult because he knew it would piss off Jerry.

Daniel is surprisingly close with his cousin Wallace. It turns out having psychic abilities can be really useful to the Secretary of Defence.

Also Daniels been buying a lot of stuff recently with money that came from...the 'stock market.' He got himself some new roller blades and got Richie some anime pillows. Gary pretends not to notice but already is writing up a case for Daniel incase he gets in trouble.

Aunt Emma has secretly been buying Richie blue hair dye for like a year. Gary has no idea where it's all coming from, but he keeps finding the empty boxes and Richie's been wearing a lot of hats recently.

(Which really confuses him because he never told Richie he couldn't dye his hair.)

[aliceisaperson]

It honestly makes me kind of sad that I never hear anyone really talk about Daniel outside of the Jon Matteson family tree thing. I mean he’s just a little adorable guy and I love him and we should talk about him more

[vilnmelling]

Paul-is-Richie's-uncle people, this one's for you.

"Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em straight to hell! Assholes!"

This quote's exactly what Paul says in Honey Queen, and exactly what Richie says in Nerdy Prudes Must Die. I think all of us with the "Paul is Richie's uncle" headcanon have accepted that this is somehow correlated to that, so let me elaborate.

"Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em straight to hell. Assholes." is Paul's go-to phrase for saying "Fuck Clivesdale," just like "How about an iced caramel frap, nothing better" is his go-to for offering to pick up coffee for his coworkers. (The way he says "Fuck 'em" while talking to Emma about Clivesdale is very similar to the first fuck 'em in the phrase).

Paul's said it enough times around Richie that Richie's picked up on it and it's become his go-to as well.

[aneldritchmoth]

SILLY RICHIE / NPMD MEME HEHE

i saw the shirt saved in my cursed folder and i had to draw this

i did this instead of preparing for art fight oops, im almost got everything ready tho so it should be alright. im 4 days early.. kinda nervous still.

anywho my favorite starkid headcanon right now is probably the jon matteson family tree. and all the fanfics i've read where richie live with paul are the best. could that count as found family?? dunno lol.

unrelated but i've been thinking of making a superpowers/superhero au except max would be alive and sort of the cocky hero while the nerds are the villains?? idk could be interesting. ik i want grace and max to team up in said au that im cooking up. im having trouble figuring out what the nerds' powers would be.

max has ghost abilities, for, obvious reasons LOL. going invisible, phasing through walls- maybe telekinesis? and grace has light based powers- she can bend light. that makes sense to me. i might have ruth be the guy in the chair and steph be a loner anti-hero that joins forces with the nerds after?? AAAAA idk

lmk if yall would be intersted to see this sorta au and any power suggestions for pete, richie and steph would be appreciated. ok im done yapping now BYEEE

[secret-weapon-seven]

I have seen people make characters played by jon matteson related and suggest: the jon matteson family tree was modeled by wiggly after his humansona. Why would he do this? Hell if I know

[celestetcetera]

the jon matteson family tree is so funny to me if you go for daniel/stopwatch & richie as brothers & paul as their uncle. bc the image of paul trying to awkwardly be an uncle for the kids that have, respectively, the power of god and anime on their side, is so funny. does paul know one of his nephews moonlights as a psychic wrestler on the side. does he know he can bend the flow of time

[eli-am-confused]

Family gatherings can get real hectic real fast with this family.

On my post about Curt Mega characters should be a part of the Jon Matteson character family tree @mistoelectra (sorry for the @) brought up Papa Ed and Peanuts and I really wanted to draw them.

Bonus: Papa Ed and Peanuts hanging out after they got home.

Honestly when looking at pictures of Papa Ed all I can imagine is that Peanuts is like his emotional support squirrel. He’s a proud squirrel dad guys.

If you can’t read my handwriting it’s under the cut.

First image:

Eddie Chiplucky: Little Ed! I heard you’re a dad now!

President Howard Goodman: wait really? Where is he? I wanna meet him.

Eddie: I didn’t even know you got with someone!

Howie: Me either!

Proud Papa Ed: guys, he’s a squirrel.

Eddie and Howie: What!?

Ed: Paul’s got ‘im right now.

Second image:

Richie: blah blah blah blah… (y’all get it)

Paul is clearly not holding a squirrel

Third image:

Paul: I suddenly feel like I’m in a lot of danger.

Fourth image:

Proud Papa Ed: Finally some peace and quiet. Let’s go home Peanuts.

Fifth Image:

No text just Ed and Peanuts hanging out.