#has it been a good one for you? c:
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“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:21) ♡
#<3#bible scripture#bible study#bible verse#faith#˚ ୨ ♡ ୧˚ happy sunday my friends ! .⋆。⋆༶⋆˙⊹🤍#has it been a good one for you? c:#mine has been pretty nice !#the weather is really pretty today :D#and i am excited for the week ahead !!#i’m not sure how everyone else is doing but whatever week you’re having — i pray you are safe comforted & feeling very loved <3#take good care of yourselves !!#rest up & stay hydrated too !! okay ??#sending hugs hearts & much happiness !!#have a beautiful day ! :D#xoxo ! <3#🌸 ♡ ⊹ 。⁺ ˚。 🤍
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Lackadaisy Enrichment
#in our enclosures!!#video linked as source; which i'm glad to see already has a million views and is trending. That's Right#lackadaisy#WHICH i have been reading since at least '07 when i was thirteen my god b/c this animation is based on the ongoing webcomic#like does its influence show up Directly in some Discrete way i can point to in my art? not very easily probably. And Yet.#the inspiration....i wasn't able to be Regularly Only for at least another year / art done Nonprofessionally Online was novel to me#like wow ppl can make & post fanart of w/e they love huh....didn't know webcomics were a thing & i never really read that many since but.#good god the quality of Lackadaisy at its onset is like this is superb?? this person putting in all their talent and effort???#and Then you get years & years more art and i don't even know what superlatives to throw out abt its quality as it evolves. obsessed w/it..#if i see a new lackadaisy comic page i Will be acting out. obviously this animation is a delight & also stunning. and fascinating to also#juxtapose as a Translation / Interpretation of the comic in a different medium & standalone snippet of Story#and that we're not even quite there in the comic timeline; Taking Notes abt character info we get distilledly here....genuinely love like#take it back to '07 i'm like oh boy can't wait for the dream team to assemble. then a decade later when it did? Oh Boy. that is payoff lol#namely hooray for stitches and mudbug at the field office for every passing gangster. killing one marigold associate but not the other#which seems like a promising start to shootouts w/the other dream team triumvirate. i adore that in canon so far mordecai freckle & rocky#have met but only over a nice brunch. re: all intentions anyways. anyways i'm like Gifs Must Be Made while i'm also so riled afresh abt the#comic that i've been sooo hype for for over fifteen yrs now babeyyy Deservedly. i've done a couple of rereads & ought to do another....#For Interest it'd probably take a few sittings to catch up from the start but there is much to be engaged over....this ongoing story that's#historical fiction prohibition bootlegging cats with plenty of focus on characters & several Mysteries. which i'm better at parsing now lol#like one of the more recent rereads like Oh Of Course x (probably) accidentally killed his y & z took the fall & that's a binding secret...#Not [oh of course] abt the circumstances surrounding a's death & how b & c were involved. nor the ''what's marigold's damage'' mystery#which is great. love to not know things. love that we can readily follow all the emergent drama everyone's wading in nowadays. hell yeah#anyways admire my organized approach to gifs here. four shots each Expressions Atmosphere Action Groupshots#sure might've muddled through gifmaking for this anyways but fr being a huge lackadaisy comic enjoyer for now most of my life helps#and its very Overall Inspiration like. just really getting the [you can really just draw stuff out here] going. fr the art's detail & skill#and that enrichment like i'm gonna have a great time following this. And I Have#you don't expect a crowdfunded indie animation in the mix back then but hell yeah fellas#SIGH ok removing a 4th gif that's broken / not displayed despite reuploading then entirely remaking it. if it's a bug i'll try again later
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Fanfiction is so goated actually
No monetary incentive, just writing in one's free time. Some incentive for like kudos and comments, because who doesn't want to hear that someone else enjoyed what they wrote. Just writing a story that is good and/or enjoyable, no real-life pressure to keep it going because god forbid you and other people are depending on it financially.
Writing a story because you want to write a good story, so you can write what they want the way you want, at a pace that is realistic for you, with exactly the plot pacing you want there to be.
#c*rny posts#thinking about this after the my h*ro academia leaks lmao#i have read barely a few chapters of the manga and then kept up with it through tumblr osmosis#i was interested in how its gonna end#and after reading the leaks i was like 'well its up to the fanfic writers to write a good ending now'#cause. it was kind of underwhelming. like some stuff made sense and some things were just done badly#which is realistic considering h*rikoshi is apparently burned out to hell#and i was thinking. man. if i had to write AND illustrate a story for like ten years straight. because its my bread and butter#and there are other people depending on the story doing well to make money#it would 100% get to me. i would rather end it all lmao#which is why i think fanfic is so great#just writing a story that you want. that makes sense to you. that has elements you want. that is exactly as long as you want.#and there isnt even a possibility of really monetizing it so there is no drive to make is 'succeed' or make it as long as possible#this could be applied to just writing a 'regular' story also that is not intended for publishing#also kinda makes me think about h*ikyuu#i kinda do feel the timeskip and the ending were a bit rushed#but like. if it was me. i would have rushed it too lmao#after so many years of working on one thing and one thing only i would have been so done. just so done#and h*ikyuu ending to me wasnt even bad. it was good with good resolution of everything. with characters evolving and achieving their dreams#not necessarily volleyball related (like tenma)#the progress made realistic sense#but it did feel a bit rushed#anyway#fanfic and writing for yourself is great#and manga authors face way too much pressure from people dependent on them. from fans. even from society in general
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It never ceases to amaze me about how many different dehumanizing labels Dream is cast in. The tyrant, the green boy, the bad guy, the wrong’un, the villain, a psycho, psychopath (which tbh are already rather kinda extreme for his supposed crimes especially at the beginning when they started). But then they go further, calling him a snake thing, pure evil, a monster [clip], a freaking ghoul [clip], even to the point of calling him Lucifer in the finale - The Biblical incarnate of evil [clip].
And what’s really interesting is the inconsistency in which Dream reacts - because on one hand he should stand up for himself, but on the other maybe he should just lean into it and maybe they’ll leave him alone. Maybe the fear and label can be his defense instead of their offense. And that gives him control over it, turns him from the victim to the victor.
In the disc confrontation, Tommy calls him pure evil and asks “how do you sleep at night”, to which he responds “just fine” [clip] {oddly, directly contradicting his comment to Techno about no sleeping btw lol…}. Later, he talks about building the prison with a “little bit of evil” but then counters Tommy’s accusation of calling him evil again with “evil is in the eye of the beholder” and “you’re evil to me” [clip].
In the finale, towards the end, Tommy talks about how he saw Dream as nothing but The villain but that isn’t true, and surprisingly Dream disagrees by saying “I am. I tortured you” [clip] {also contradicting what he says to Sam in Daedalus…}. Which is interesting. In the finale, he also makes statements like ‘we can’t because we’re soo evil’ and “we have done plenty of evil evil things” [clip] (which Punz actually counters with “not for no reason.”) But in instances when they call him a psycho and psychopath he has a different reaction saying “huh, I mean, I wouldn’t say that,” [clip] “I’m not a psycho. Everything I do is deliberate” [clip] and, in the finale, “you guys are psychos. You broke in and tried—and killed me in my own house—the prison.” [clip]
One of the keys here I think is the distinction of having reasons - he’s not evil for kicks, he has a reason and motive and logic behind it. Something, in the finale, he questions whether Tommy has, first because he broke in and killed him unfounded and then towards the end of the stream asking about why he constantly steals and griefs and stuff, “why are you trying to ruin everything all the time.” [clip] - What was your reason? Because that mattered to Dream, someone can do evil things but they have their reasons, it’s when they don’t that they are more so truly evil.
He may have done evil things, he may even be the villain, but in his mind he’s not a psycho or pure evil, or a monster because he has reasons, there is a reason he did the things he did, there is a reason he ended up here. Not that those make his deeds justified and less evil (like Sam and Quackity more so believe) but that just makes him a person, who sure does evil, but also feels, and has reasons, desires, and motivations…etc. Just like everyone else. He doesn’t even see Quackity, who confessed to being sadistic and spent months torturing him, as pure evil or even a psychopath instead saying sarcastically in Daedalus, “like Quackity ‘cause he’s full of feelings… He’s totally not a sociopath…” because that distinction between sociopath and psychopath in Dream’s mind is important. Quackity is a bad person but he isn’t the embodiment of evil, he’s just a person who did evil things.
During the first war, Wilbur calls him a little lizard snake thing, to which Dream responds “I’m powerful” [clip]. Which is strange and kinda sad to me that despite being called an actual animal(s), one more importantly often representing evil like Lucifer the snake, he doesn’t counteract it. Maybe because he’s tired of Wilbur calling him similar dehumanizing terms or tired of arguing with Wilbur in general, since everyone believes him anyways. Regardless, he instead rephrases Wilbur’s words - maybe I am a lizard or a snake but you better not step on me because I am venomous and powerful. Which aligns pretty well with his monologue [transcript] where he talks about “Do snakes just bite?” or is there a reason. Because maybe he can’t change Wilbur and Tommy’s metaphor and maybe he can’t change the label of evil despite his attempts because everyone believes them instead, but maybe he can try and use their own words to defend himself. Maybe then they’ll see him as an actual person. {or not…}
#i hope this makes sense I’m not sure I did a good job expressing what I mean but I tried… this has been on my mind for a while#dsmp#c!dream#dreblr#dream smp#dsmp analysis#no one does it like c!dream#dsmpblr#dsmp dream#pandora's vault#did someone order an essay?#this is fine#aghdbnabdbbd god I’m sorry it just… how is he the bully again? heh?… like damn talk about name calling#no lie when Tommy called Dream Lucifer I laughed out loud before class in a college class room and got stares XD LOL… like bruh for real?#dsmp lore#snake monologue#some snakes just bite do you do I? not even once?……
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Hail Apollo and Hermes for helping me get my ass in gear to take care of a couple financial things that have been stressing me out for a while! ...and for the reminder to not impulse spend.
#and. of course. it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!#i was told in no uncertain terms in my last tarot pull that some financial things would bite me in the ass if i didnt deal with them#so i said i would take care of them by the end of the month and i managed to!! well. mostly#im waiting for a checkbook to come in the mail so i can take care of the second one but the first one is settled#and im no longer terrified that i'm going to jail! (that was never going to be the outcome in the first place)#thank you apollo and hermes#i need to find something to offer. i'll figure something out#helpol#hermes#coriander says#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#apollo#hellenic community#pagans of tumblr#theoi#'it's not as bad/scary/catastrophic as it feels' has been a theme atm#the tarot pull was from last week ive just been thinking about it. it's about time to do another check-in pull but i wont be able to till#friday probably#i owe. $7 to the state of texas but afaik i'm only able to pay via check b/c of the circumstances so i had to get *80* of them#the only person i know who still uses checks is my grandpa#...the checkbook would be a good thing to keep on hermes“#*hermes's altar though#my post#gratitude post
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i think it would be really funny if regis had a kind of fucked-up haircut
“he could save everyone except himself” but like with regard to the barbery, and not the surgery. kind of like when chefs don’t cook very well for themselves. or when fashion designers wear sweatpants all day.
but moreover. i think the aesthetic effects of a bad haircut would help to dampen his natural lugosian allure and good looks. to reduce any potential suspicions
#by fucked-up i mean asymmetrical and messy. maybe a little wiry#this is partially why i like to draw regis with some bangs over one eye#an angel of your rising sign darkens the evening with his one good eye…#it’s like he cannot be at his full potential#there’s like a code to it i made up#bangs over one eye = normal#bangs over both eyes (and head a little lowered) = drunk. in a despairing or disoriented state#bangs blown out of both eyes by invisible wind that somehow manifests to dramatically caress the hair of vampires = this is at castle stygg#at the same time. when he has long hair then it must be tied back for reasons of ~medicine and hygiene~. like the rolled-up sleeves :)#but the bang ideas can be used in tandem with long hair headcanons#one of my friends once said that geralt regis and angouleme all need hair over their forehead bc they're large forehead gang LOL agreed#the other reason for bangs over his eyes is that the visual design communicates that he doesn’t take things too serious...#like regis is chaotic good. cahir is lawful good#cahir keeps his hair out of his face. he has curly hair and that does not = messy hair. you can have neatly kept curly hair#i go back and forth on regis' hair texture but messy is a quality that sticks with me on the topic#like his hair is messy in the same way that his cottage was messy#in a way that communicates humility and introversion and being too deep in your own thoughts to#concern yourself with what other people may think if they saw you. and not expecting guests lol#the elbow-high diaries#c: regis#like he is wearing black robes (with no mentioned embellishments or adornments). girl what do you think his hair looks like#he's not starring in a l'oreal commercial anytime soon#however when they get to beauclair and attend the october banquet maybe it's a different story for one night#i love the idea of regis dressing in that velvet kaftan and cleaning up and geralt questioning like has he always been this fine?#cleaning up figuratively as in doing your hair and wearing nice clothes. bc in the literal sense regis is the cleanest of them all#the herbs have antibacterial antifungal antipest properties or whatever
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Shadowheart, in the style of "The Sorrowing Soul Between Doubt and Faith" by Elihu Vedder (aka one of my absolute favorite paintings)
Other Classical Tadfools: Lae'zel, Wyll
#final time: 7 hours#(not counting the previous attempts I scrapped)#this one has been haunting me for a while and i'm! finally done!!#i *do* like it but i still feel like it's not as good as it could be#but i think that's mostly just nitpicking at this point#blend modes saved my ass on the shading like always lol#i originally had selune instead of aylin but i figured aylin made more sense b/c of how she interacts w/ shadowheart#and we *see* her in-game where she's functionally a stand-in for selune#anyway. sorrowing soul my *beloved*#like the fallen angel pose this piece works for more than one companion#(you could do lae'zel w/ orpheus & vla'akith for example)#bur vibes & story-wise i think it fits shadowheart best#*but#shadowheart#bg3#bg3 companions#dame aylin#bg3 shar#bg3 art#bg3 fanart#my art#my post#baldurs gate 3#dnd art#digital art#digital artist#artists of tumblr#commissions open#illustration#image id in alt text
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Maybe a Christian fiction writer just needs to tell the truth. Then tell a better truth.
#Yes it is a broken world! That is true! But a) brokenness doesn’t come in only one flavor (and for that matter neither does escapism#There are things I rather like to get away from in my preferred fiction#Like I’ll tolerate some of the things I like to get away from as long as the author doesn’t wallow in it before getting to the better truth#b) In this world you will have trouble#Doesn’t help me without#But take heart! I have overcome the world#And c) That the breaking will be mended in the end we Christians know and it’s at the heart of every really good story I believe*#but what of this often wildly beautiful in-between time called life that we currently experience? It’s still true too.#Taste and see that the Lord is good!#“Pine trees are just as real as pigsties and a darn sight prettier too”#*some may say that tragedies are the category that negate this idea and it’s true I haven't made a study of tragedies and what their#appeal is because they don’t often appeal to me but I’m sure there’s a reason#If only because light shines brighter in the darkness#So to circle back to my first point yes some stories need to not shy away from darkness but if it ends there you have to consider what#The point of it all is and whether it glorifies God. so it’s not as simple as no tragedies but I think you have to at least imply the#Better Truths#Anyway now I’m just rambling and people who like tragedies should come educate me on why#But the idea of telling the truth and then telling a better truth has been percolating for at least a month now and so I must now test#the brew so to speak
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What are your plans for the future? \|_o,
I think ideal world I get a job working on reintroduction/restoring wild animal populations. I’m not sure exactly how I’ll get there but I’m learning I’ll figure it out, apparently zoo’s do that a lot so find a zoo that’ll hire me. For some reason I think I’m gonna end up living in Oregon, maybe cause I also have always wanted to work at a national park and while I don’t think that I want those types of jobs anymore I’d still like being close to one. Like living near crater lake.
#like living area wise my own actual criteria is I have a good job and I’d prefer one that’s in the north and has winter but I’ve been told I#have Oregon vibes. but also life doesn’t really turn out how you think it will. we will see#i have an ask tag now and this is it#c the b loved
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hotd never fails to disappoint
#w h a t#t h e#f u c k#this fandom also really sucks :/#i’ll never understand how certain team green fans can claim to love alicent and helaena and yet unironically support the side of the war#that very much wants to continue perpetuating patriarchal violence and control#aka the very thing that’s made both these female characters so very miserable#why is it so difficult for people to understand that rhaenyra becoming queen and reigning in her own right for some good long years#would force an ideological shift and would open a discussion that had been closed for a long time in westeros#alicent has suffered from the patriarchy but she also continues the cycle w/ her treatment of her children#please just please understand that you do not have to like team black nor do you have to like team black characters#but trying to justify aegon usurping rhaenyra is nonsense and completely unjustifiable no matter how hard you try to twist the situation#and please don’t try to take some centrist ‘team smallfolk stance’ bc that stance is simply one ppl take to shift the topic away#from the patriarchy and how denying a woman her legal inheritance tore the realm apart#‘but andal tradition’ bleh ‘why should the targs be ruling’ bleh ‘the small folk suffer more’ bleh ‘the dragons are nukes’ bleh#these are all red herrings meant to divert away from the main topic & are usually used by ppl to justify their support of team green#supporting the team that wishes for the continuation of the cycle is wrong#i support team black bc this is a break in the cycle and opens a discussion that westeros has needed for thousands of years#the social change would be slow but at least there’d be change!#<-of course we know this discussion didn’t rly open bc rhaenyra didn’t have a peaceful transfer of power and later died way too early on#but even tho she died so early a character in the main books series is using the precedent she set to support her own claim! (arianne)#anti team green#asoiaf fandom critical#anti alicent stans#anti aegon ii stans#pro team black#pro rhaenyra targaryen#hotd#house of the dragon#anti hotd
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Narrator voice: they weren't.
#UTDR#Charlie Stuff#More out of context scribbles for truce au#Although you could probably guess the context for this#A certain dadmare writer has already correctly identified 2 things coming up so they'll know what this is about for sure#(Still can't believe you called that I'm genuinely super impressed)#I'm just quickly scribbling some outlines for future pages while the spirit is with me#Actually I've been doing written plans rough outlines AND proper lines/colouring I've been super productive this week#Good for me c:#Work is about to start ramping up but there should be one more part for this out before christmas!
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Okay I'm watching White Collar on Netflix and I quite like it, but [season 3 or 4 spoilers; I don't remember which season I'm on] what the actual fudge was that decision to have El tell Neal to back off Peter after the Pratt car accident? It makes zero sense and feels like it was thrown in to make the plot more complicated, regardless of how loyal it is to El's previously-established character. (Disclaimer that I haven't yet watched the whole show; I just finished the episode this takes place in.)
El knows how hard Neal has worked to earn Peter's trust, she knows how hard Peter's worked to trust Neal, and she's seen how much anguish they BOTH go through each time they're dishonest with each other. Furthermore, not involving Peter in the key investigation doesn't do anything: Pratt already knows Peter's investigating him and is already making Peter's life difficult without knowing about the key (see: the car "accident" that started this whole thing in the first place). If anything, Peter following the key investigation only helps Peter, because if he and Neal pool their resources, they're more likely the find the evidence box faster, which can help them take down Pratt. El telling Neal to cut Peter out of the key investigation is utterly nonsensical (at least to me).
#white collar#meta#neal caffrey#elizabeth burke#peter burke#also you can't tell me this is the first time El's seen Peter in a hospital#I don't remember if he's been in one before on the show but in their ten (?) years together I GUARANTEE he's been injured on the job before#except the only difference is that there she can't tell other FBI agents to cut Peter out of the investigation#but she knows she can tell Neal and he'll listen because a) Neal is not an agent#b) Neal feels guilty about this whole thing#c) Neal likes and trusts her and listens to what she has to say#and d) Neal has lied to Peter before#so imo this whole thing is wrong on so many levels#anyway#it is quite a good show i highly recommend watching it for a fun lighthearted time#also this was how i found out about matt bomer (yes i thought he was henry cavill at first)#and therefore how i watched the normal heart#which KILLED me
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just imagine all for one using his quirk for good......
#imagine him being a quirk counselor / therapist / psychiatrist ???#he could literally help so many people#especially those who people consider having “villainous” quirks#i will still write him as the psychopath he is#but the environment he was born in didn't help either#i've been thinking....#he has albinism#and no soul / humanistic qualities#what if his quirk took those away?#kind of a side effect of having a quirk that takes if you will#a rare case of his quirk defining who he is#tragic and sad#but what if yoichi was his moral compass#and honestly all for one would be good at#psychoanalyzing others b/c that's all he does in canon lmao#and used his quirk for good wHAT THEN#au verse here we come#* ⟢ ALL FOR ONE ( headcanons )
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“Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings” (Psalm 17:8) ♡
ʚ ♡ ɞ . ˚ * . 🌸
#<3#hi friends ! <3#i was in need of comfort today & this verse really stood out c:#what about everyone else ? c:#what sort of day has it been for you ??#if it hasn’t been a good one — i’m giving you a very big hug ! <3#and much reassurance c:#some days won’t feel so good or be the best !#but you’re always wonderful & lovable !!#and i am praying things look better for you !!#sending hugs hearts & much happiness! <3#happy sunday ~ !! <3#ʚ ♡ ɞ . ˚ * . 🌸
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~a vampire at dawn~
excuse the quick sketch, for this post is less about the art and more about the idea behind it... i have this headcanon from when geralt's company was trekking with the beekeepers through the wilderness:
although they were initially very grateful to have three meals a day prepared for them, they quickly got sick of having honeyed porridge served for all three of them. "Everything was sticky from the honey, even the young women." milva began to get nauseous at mealtimes, and cahir, usually ravenous at mealtimes as befits a strapping young lad such as he, even turned down a few bowls.
regis, however, was quite happy with it.
because, as is mentioned later in the book, about saovine traditions: "The spirits of the dead (...) should be given honey and groats, all sprinkled with vodka…" i imagine some confusing night where he went into a villager's hut to drink blood, but, it was around saovine, so they were even expecting someone like him to arrive and to even be looking for such a thing. prepared for such a situation, they handed him some kasza with honey. he didn't really know what to do with it, but they instructed him on how to eat... it was surprisingly pretty good, so he started pulling this on all the other villages, like hey i;m "undead" (whatever that means) do you have any "porridge" with "honey." yeah also put a little vodka on it while you're at it.
so honeyed groats turned out to be the first human food he ate, and over time, became like a comfort food to him. now he has it without the vodka though
#i also have just been thinking of like. the company travelling together is almost downright domestic#except for the part where they don't have a house lol#you know what i mean. that they 'sleep under the same blanket at night'#they all sleep and wake at the same time and have to get dressed in the morning#we see their night routine more but they must also have morning routine#and i know geralt wakes everyone up early to cover more miles lol#this is probably why they enjoyed beauclair so much because their breakfast on the road was always hasty#but yeah like... i mean they don't have pajamas i'm assuming but it's like in a little sacrifice when dandelion takes off his jerkin and ha#like ... i don't know maybe because only child syndrome and i did not do sleepovers except once or twice#but you're just going to coordinate your sleep routines and like get undressed and dressed and stuff together#and then on top of that from the perspective of 'hey remember one of your company members is a vampire'#regis flipped his entire circadian rhythm upside down to live amongst humans#regis is the friend in the group chat who is in the opposite timezone#and also. to me it is just funny and weird to think of a vampire waking up and eating breakfast like a human#i mean i know it's regis so it's not surprising. it's just a somehow interesting mental image#like so you're telling me he doesn't just manifest like that in dark cloak and all. he's got to tie his shirt up and pull his boots on#i blame the discussion of beach episode hanza some weeks prior. the regis in a tanktop image is haunting me. in a good way#me: 'well it's just like ive never seen him wear a tanktop' ... 'i guess ive never seen him bc he's a fictional character but'#'ive never seen your arms above your elbows before and it's kind of weirding me out'#it's weird i'm curious like a child about it. maybe i have mental problems that come from american media sexualizing any nudity#my art#c: regis#emiel regis
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sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…
#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities#we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones—#sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks#and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you#and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me#but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point#molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c#i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away#and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it#despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions#and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion#so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people#and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then.#like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile#stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing.#alien nation.#all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there.#anyway.#feelingsblogging
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