#hard to articulate why its making me so

[strawberri-syrup]

i have to watch a documentary called cripcamp for my into to disability studies class and i am 20 minutes in and trying not to cry

[zedif-y]

fuck it . reblog this and put in the tags who your favorite youtuber/streamer is and why . i'll start (you can give more than one)

feel free to ramble!! i'm curious!

[spurgie-cousin]

Just saw the video and commentary you posted around the poverty cosplaying and I just want to add that there used to be a different place in Arkansas that did a similar thing, sorta. It was through a charity organization that shifted focus so they no longer run the program, but they used to have a "global village" where people would get assigned different regions of the world to live in by lottery with a couple key differences. First, they used actual names of actual countries and provided actual information about the country/culture. Secondly, it wasn't for mission training but instead was meant to be an educational tool to help middle school and high school students to consider how existing in different global and socio-economic circumstances change your decision making etc. and in depth discussion and educational activities were facilitated frequently. I went there as part of an overnight high school trip and while in retrospect the "poverty cosplaying" does give me the ick I still feel like that particular program was informative. Mostly I'm shook that two distinct programs like this exist in AR? I've literally never heard of the Harding one from the video until now and went on a Google deep dive to see if they were connected in some way, but not that I can tell. Anyway, no deep thoughts really, just thought it was super interesting/weird.

There is something in the water over there in Arkansas man lol. I can never learn just some normal fact about AR, it's always something weird.

I totally understand wanting to create more empathy for those who live in poverty, especially in teenagers who are in a really formative years of their lives. And it's one thing to replicate conditions in your immediate area which you are intimately familiar with, but I just can't get on board with play-acting poverty in different areas of the world. I just think about how I'd feel if some religious group in another country tried to replicate my life experience for shock value.

Even replicating the conditions semi-well can't replicate the actual stakes faced by the people they're cosplaying. You can't replicate the stress of a single mother working 2 jobs and supporting 3 kids in a one-room house, you can't replicate the stress of food insecurity and legitimately being worried about when your next meal will be, etc etc. And something about pretending to do them when you can just go back to normal life at any time just feels disrespectful in a way I can't really articulate.

Idk if people get something from it that's great and I do get the thinking behind the one you described at least, I'm mostly still ranting about the first camp lol. I don't have any doubt that some of the people running the camp you went to had good intentions (the other one though I'm really not sure based on the town names) I just have a lot of mixed experience in Christian missionary culture where poverty is treated voyeuristically which is just definitely the vibe I got from the first camp.

[aromantic-karamatsu]

Yeah thing abt anxiety is you actually literally do have to grab your brain sometimes and go "Are you actually in danger?! Is this problem something we can actually fix now or is it a situation that is out of our control and therefore worrying about it actually does nothing?! Huh?!" And then force yourself to realize what situations your anxiety is ACTUALLY helpful and how to let go in situations where it isnt

Unfortunately this is not a skill that you get with a snap of your fingers, you literally have to TEACH yourself how to do it and it's painful.

Even more unfortunately rational people sitting outside of your anxiety are NOT AWARE that this is a literal skill you were basically born without and just tell you "calm down" without understanding YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT. If someone who was super good at weight lifting told me, a beginner at weights, to just "pick up a 50 pound dumbbell" I'D DIE, because I haven't trained to do that! I quite literally don't have the muscle or knowledge on proper techniques to do that without hurting myself, physically or emotionally!!!

So yes, sometimes you DO have to take the high road and just tell yourself "I do NOT need to worry about this" even though it feels stupid and useless because you still worry, but you also have to forgive yourself and understand you are learning! It won't be easy the first few times, and even when you get more used to self soothing and emotional regulation sometimes it's not linear and it's like your first day of lifting weights all over again!

I just think we as a society do need to understand that anxious disorders are both something we (anxious people) can NOT control without effort and therapy and that we (anxious people) need to realize sometimes we DO have to put in painful, uncomfortable work to manage it! It sucks but thats life, and it can get easier with the right support and whatever treatment looks like for you!

[toastsnaffler]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[wolfisland]

i do often lament the bullshittery i got up to and ran my mouth about when i was deep deep in the comphet trenches (bc incredibly i struggled more w comphet AFTER i came out and even well into my current relationship - im just now untangling so much of it) but god at the very fucking least, at LEAST, thank GOD i never forgot my man hating roots. even at my WORST i was not harping on about how evil dykes and lesbians are for hating men.

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

[viir-tanadhal]

should i just make a rambling post about all my thoughts about nonetheless. maybe i should

[kavehater]

AURGHH I KEEP FLASHBACKING TO THE AWKWARD SITUATION TODAY

[venomgender]

thinking about yoohankim again

[volinare]

It's kinda like before anti-psycotics I experienced my innerworld, my subconscious, the observable world, and other people innerworlds all on top of each other. They mixed together and when information was missing it was hard to tell as it was all so messy.

All those realities still exist, and they still exist all at the same time. Now, they are all the same world, instead of layered realities. Delusions no longer exist in bubbles that I get stuck in but as a part of the world that contradicts or doesn't contradict other parts.

The world is like nothing else. I'm still depressed, suicidal, and delusional. But now I can like sorta feed my self and keep my body clean. I had all the tools before to do so, but my entire life I couldn't keep up and I never knew why. I thought maybe trauma and autism, those still play a part but like literally my life is just. Exactly the same but I shower and pick up things I don't want to step on off the floor.

My self awareness too. It's always been a struggle for me to understand how I'm perceived. I'm constantly, as I think most people do, reflecting, making changes, and grieving. But now progress is more satisfying. I can make plans that have more moving parts and understand situations without that sliding reality feeling. Even if my actual follow through is the same.

I dissociate a lot still

I tend to react well to medications and antipsychotics are nothing to mess around with. But I but a lot of thought (I was lucky to be able to) into starting them and the results just. They weren't what I was expecting. Like, I expected them to work, but like. like look at this I wrote this long silly post that stays on topic and moves between subtopics. I didn't even plan that. My thoughts are just. Literally organized. And I was able to write in an organic way before my delusions got worse last year, but it still wasn't like this and I wasn't always able to.

[starberrywander]

Can we talk about the way in which Men who commit sexual assault against Women are defended? Because I've noticed an underlying theme that I don't think gets talked about enough.

Specifically, this idea that Men are inherently violent/aggressive/sexual. Because despite the fact that it sounds like a negative stereotype, and can be at times, when it comes to assault it is often used to absolve Men of responsibility. Like the, "It's not his fault, she was showing too much skin. Men are sexual creatures, we can't blame him for acting on natural impulses," argument. It places the blame on his Maleness and removes the agency from him, presenting him as a helpless victim to nature/his biology/women.

Like, that is the primary purpose of this "Men are dangerous" stereotype; that their sex makes them inherently dangerous and that others should act with caution around them and take safety precautions. The blame and responsibility is shifted away from the Men and onto those who will be subjected to them. The Men are not held properly accountable, they are instead treated as wild beasts that others must handle with care and caution. Which obviously, as I've been saying, removes the responsibility from Men to change their behavior and shifts it onto everyone else to bend around them.

Assault is treated as a risk of Maleness rather than as an active choice, which is the biggest problem. We need to be working to shift that cultural perspective by emphasizing that this is a choice that individual people make, not a consequence of a demographic. The fault is on the individual, not on the sex or the gender. Because as long as we blame a demographic category for a behavior, the accountability and responsibility is shifted away from the person who commits the act and onto others to react to them.

This also shows up, albeit in a slightly different way, in transmisia. When it comes to prejudice against trans women the stereotype is no longer benefiting her, like it does the cis man, but rather harming her. It goes from "well he can't control it so it would be unfair to punish him" to "well he can't control it so he needs to be eliminated." But it still reinforces the same sexist mindset of the individual not being responsible because their sex is responsible. It still shifts the blame onto other people.

In the case of transmisia, when people panic about trans women assaulting people in bathrooms and stuff the blame is placed on the trans person. But the blame is placed on their sex, not on their actions. The responsibility is placed on others to "fight the trans threat" and not on the trans people who are supposedly doing the assaulting to choose not to assault. It is still being used to shift responsibility onto others to react "appropriately" rather than on individuals not to assault.

Like yeah, they face consequences. But in a "you are a threat that must be eliminated" way rather than a "you are responsible for your actions" way. It treats trans people, again, almost like wild animals that need to be put down before they hurt someone. It doesn't approach them as individuals who do individual actions. The responsibility is shifted away from individual accountability and onto others to be vigilant and defensive. Even for a virtually non-existent threat.

So yeah. As long as we keep blaming maleness and manhood for assault, the problem will not be solved. We need to recognize assault as a choice that individuals make and address it as such. Stop creating scapegoats for actions to be pinned on demographics. Assault is a choice. A choice that anyone is capable of making, but also one that anyone is capable of NOT making. No demographic makes someone inherently dangerous, and asserting that it does only serves to prevent us from properly placing the responsibility on the perpetrator. If you keep placing the responsibility on others to change around the perpetrators, then the perpetrators will adapt to that new circumstance and continue causing harm. Only when the perpetrators are held responsible for their own choices and forced to face their own actions will the problem be truly solved.

[cookinguptales]

You know... I had an experience about two months ago that I didn't talk about publicly, but I've been turning it over and over in my mind lately and I guess I'm finally able to put my unease into words.

So there's a podcast I'd been enjoying and right after I got caught up, they announced that they were planning on doing a live show. It's gonna be near me and on the day before my birthday and I thought -- hey, it's fate.

But... as many of you know, I'm disabled. For me, getting to a show like that has a lot of steps. One of those steps involved emailing the podcasters to ask about accessibility for the venue.

The response I got back was very quick and very brief. Essentially, it told me to contact the venue because they had no idea if it was accessible or not.

It was a bucket of cold water, and I had a hard time articulating at the time quite why it was so disheartening, but... I think I get it a little more now.

This is a podcast that has loudly spoken about inclusivity and diversity and all that jazz, but... I mean, it's easy to say that, isn't it? But just talking the talk without walking the walk isn't enough. That's like saying "sure, we will happily welcome you in our house -- if you can figure out how to unlock the door."

And friends, my lock-picking set is pretty good by this point. I've been scouting out locations for decades. I've had to research every goddamn classroom, field trip, and assigned bookstore that I've ever had in an academic setting. I've had to research every movie theater, theme park, and menu for every outing with friends or dates. I spend a long time painstakingly charting out accessible public transportation and potential places to sit down every time I leave the house.

Because when I was in college, my professors never made sure their lesson plans were accessible. (And I often had to argue with them to get the subpar accommodations I got.) Because my friends don't always know to get movie tickets for the accessible rows. Because my dates sometimes leave me on fucking read when I ask if we can go to a restaurant that doesn't keep its restrooms down a flight of stairs.

I had one professor who ever did research to see if I could do all the coursework she had planned, and who came up with alternate plans when she realized that I could not. Only one. It was a medical history and ethics class, and my professor sounded bewildered as she realized how difficult it is to plan your life when you're disabled.

This woman was straight-up one of the most thoughtful, philosophical, and ethical professors I've ever had, one who was incredibly devoted to diversity and inclusion -- and she'd never thought about it before, that the hospital archives she wanted us to visit were up a flight of stairs. That the medical museum full of disabled bodies she wanted us to visit only had a code-locked back entrance and an old freight elevator for their disabled guests who were still breathing.

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? It's easy to theoretically accept the existence of people who aren't like you. It's a lot harder to actively create a space in which they can exist by your side.

Because here's what I did before I contacted the podcasters. I googled the venue. I researched the neighborhood and contacted a friend who lives in the area to help me figure out if there were any accessible public transportation routes near there. (There aren't.) I planned for over an hour to figure out how close I could get before I had to shell out for an uber for the last leg of the trip.

Then I read through the venue's website. I looked through their main pages, through their FAQs to see if there was any mention of accessibility. No dice. I download their packet for clients and find out that, while the base building is accessible, the way that chairs/tables are set up for individual functions can make it inaccessible. So it's really up to who's hosting the show there.

So then and only then I contacted the podcasters. I asked if the floor plan was accessible. I asked if all the seats were accessible, or only some, and whether it was open seating or not. Would I need to show up early to get an accessible seat, or maybe make a reservation?

And... well, I got the one-sentence reply back that I described above. And that... god, it was really disheartening. I realized that they never even asked if their venues were accessible when they were booking the shows. I realized that they were unwilling to put in the work to learn the answers to questions that disabled attendees might have. I realized that they didn't care to find out if the building was accessible.

They didn't know and they didn't care. That, I think, is what took the wind out of my sails when they emailed me back. It's what made me decide that... yeah, I didn't really want to go through the trouble of finding an accessible route to the venue. I didn't want to have to pay an arm and a leg to hire a car to take me the last part of the journey. I didn't want to make myself frantic trying to figure out if I could do all that and still make the last train home.

If they didn't care, I guess I didn't either.

If they'd apologized and said that the only venue they could get was inaccessible, I actually would have understood. I know that small shows don't always get their pick of venues. I get it. I even would have understood if they'd been like "oh dang, I actually don't know -- but I'll find out."

But to be told that they didn't know and didn't intend to find out... oof. That one stung.

Because.... this is the thing. This is the thing. I may be good at it by now, but I'm so tired of picking locks. I'm tired of doing all the legwork because no one ever thinks to help me. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought at best, or at worst utterly unwelcome.

If you truly want to be inclusive, you need to stop telling people that you're happy to have them -- if they can manage to unlock the door. You need to fucking open it yourself and welcome them in.

What brought all this back to me now, you may be asking? Well... I guess it's just what I was thinking to myself as I was tidying up my phone.

Today I'm deleting podcasts.

[floorpancakes]

abt 🤨 > i support gay ppl causing drama to get what they want sometimes and I think there are pure ways to do that, or it doesn't have to be pure because what is truly pure to begin with, but also it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad cause writers often selectively choose what good selfishness and bad selfishness is

it's usually easy to recognise but smth feels kinda... arbitrary? like, well, X did the big sacrifice so Y must be wrong for trying to get in the way of that for the sake of another and or their romantic feelings

it's also kinda like....idk as someone who's gotten way more into the 'let ppl b happy' thing but also loves a bunch of tragic series it feels distinctly optional I guess??? like , you can have it one way or the other and neither way is necessarily wrong? idk where I'm going w this I'm just kinda rambling

[toastsnaffler]

okaaaayyy finally watched I saw the tv glow :^)

[sepublic]

Insane to me how Eda must've said yes to Luz asking to stay with her at the Owl house, because she could relate. Because at her exact same age, Eda also struggled with a mother who meant well, but was ultimately doing something that hurt her out of misguided intentions. And because she felt betrayed and didn't want to go along with that plan, Eda also ended up running into the woods outside her home, only to stumble across the portal in the ruins of a Clawthorne ancestor’s home, and go through it despite what her mother had planned. And in doing so, she found independence and began her journey into discovering herself.

So no wonder Eda let Luz do the same. Even if she didn't know her whole story yet, Eda must've picked up on a couple details with Luz deeply resonating with her "Us weirdoes gotta stick together" motto, as well as encouraging the Conformatorium prisoners that nobody should be punished for who they are. The way Luz said that, Eda must've realized she was projecting/relating to them hard. So Eda saw all she needed to, and that's why she let Luz stay.

Her telling Luz to go back to her "real" family in the season 1 finale hurts even more because of this, because I wonder if Eda missed her mother at the moment too. So she wanted Luz to have a good relationship with her mother that she couldn't have. She wanted Luz to treasure that while she could still have it. And at the same time, I wonder if Eda felt as if she was betraying herself by being a hypocrite, telling Luz to stay with her mother when Eda herself hadn't done so and would continue not to.

But then Luz stays for Eda's sake, and she helps Eda get back her relationship with her mother. And Eda helps Luz in making a new portal so she regain her relationship with HER mother. All while lamenting, at one point, that Luz is going to go back to her real family in Eda's Requiem. They're both going back to their biological mothers, so they don't need each other anymore as a substitute. Besides, even if Eda's morals made sense to her at the time, she might've regretted letting Luz in and allowing her to be hurt by the coven.

But Luz and Eda's familial and found relationships aren't mutually exclusive, either!!! And Eda has to remember what she told Luz in Separate Tides, that her life changed for the better meeting this girl! Maybe Eda thinks that she needs Luz, but Luz didn't need her. But she really needed another parental figure, not unlike Manny, to give Luz another perspective to work with, so she could eventually go back to Camila and explain in better terms what she needed. And by the time Luz reunited with her mother, she wasn't able to articulate how she felt, due to a number of other factors outside of Eda's control that made her feel too guilty to ask for that.

Eda meeting Camila was so tense on her part, because she likely though of herself as an irresponsible stranger who kidnapped Camila's child and got her so terribly hurt and traumatized; At least, she couldn't blame Camila for thinking that way. Eda probably felt that way about herself, sometimes. But Luz needed her moms to get along, it'd mean so much to her, so Eda brushes aside the self-pity and presents herself as Luz's other family; Similarly, Camila has already opened her mind to the Boiling Isles because she can tell how much this place and its people mean to Luz. So even if they had different ideas on how to help Luz, they've since made their consensus by listening to Luz herself, and have gotten together over this mutual love.