#I DONT DO WELL WITH MAKING PPL UPSET IM SOBBING

[kavehater]

AURGHH I KEEP FLASHBACKING TO THE AWKWARD SITUATION TODAY

[lunaz-virtual-diary]

entry # 20

aorry i havent written in a while! (˵ˊᯅˋ˵)

i gotta stop making this a habit lol. todays been weird. im super dysphoric rn so I'm not feeling too good. i was so excited looking at this cool hair straightening treatment and its like 500$ </3 so that crushed me and my mom didnt help me feel any better ໒꒰ྀི ಠ ᎔ ಠ ꒱ྀི১ i dont know how anyone could want curly hair? even if it wasnt dysphoria related I would still want this. CURLY HAIR SUCKS. its actual hell to deal with and doesnt suit me. my mom just said "well as your hair grows it'll get less straight" THAT DOESNT SOLVE ANYTHING!! (˵ˊᯅˋ˵) i dont want "straight-er" i want STRAIGHT!! as straight as spaghetti before its cooked... but perfectly not as fragile! i know i can manifest n stuff ive just had a weird day and i need to complain lol.

the start of the day was so scary TwT nothing felt real. it was like i was living in a dream it was terrifying!! it reminds me of how i felt when i was hospitalized. nothing felt real. apparently its a trauma thing? the other day my morbid curiousity got to me and i saw one of those snvff vids with the ai filter over it. :c... maybe im like overreacting but i feel like sobbing thinking about it. i didnt see any of the actual gore but i could hear everything. they were KIDS :C kids. one of them im pretty sure was literally csam with a minion filter slapped on it. ive been having nightmares about it. i dont understand how anyone could do that. especially to a child. it makes me sick. i almost vomited after seeing it.. i know a lot of people are desensitized to this stuff but I'm not. at all.

I did see my new therapist today though!! I love him sm he's so funny i feel so comfy around him. i was scared abt having a male therapist but like you know how you can tell someone is gay just by how they act and talk? thats him. he got me signed up to do some candy thingy at a hospital? i forget what its called but its like a DREAM!! I'll get to cheer up kids and elderly people!! i really wanna be some sort of nurse and he says thats a good place to learn about the different kinds and what people do! he told me I would be "a lovely nurse" and told the ppl on the phone that i was a sweetheart!! thats like, EXACTLY HOW I WANNA BE PERCIEVED!! so that made me happy!! I really wanna help kids and animals the most. making kids and animals happy just warms my heart and having a career of doing that just sounds like a dream

my dad got me some fries n a strawberry milkshake !! ૮꒰๑>⩊<๑꒱ა it was also my bestie's older brother's bday !! so happy bday 2 him (˶ˆᗜˆ˵) !! I've been focusing sm on shifting and i have a good feeling about it! I might respawn to my waiting room! but idk yet. i decided my waiting room is gonna be an adorable cutecore house with pink heart shaped appliances and a bunch of kittens !! plus my bfie ofc :3c after writing all this im def in a better mood!! besides, I'm the god of my own reality! so I can manifest whatever. sometimes im scared to say that because my hellenic beliefs are a bit different from others..! a lot of people find it disrespectful when it's simply a fact! Aphrodite gave me permission to call myself her daughter and nobody is offended or upset with me when i refer to myself as a goddess! wanna know why? because im not mocking anyone! i dont think im better than the gods, in fact, I'm below them. but I am still the goddess of my own reality and the other gods and goddesses are like motherly and fatherly figures to me who help guide me! ♡

[tex-now]

THATS SO OMINOUS OKAY,,, ILL TRY /silly

Honestly platonic works rly well too i adore them, it's mostly thoughts idk how much im a shipper but I like imagining scenarios

But think like. Girl who lost a lot of her teenage years and was never able to try much stuff meets an equally enthusiastic rich as hell girl who would love nothing more than to help her do anything she would want. And also girl with too much energy who isnt understood by her family meets girl who not only understands her, is willing to have fun and be silly with her, but slso matches her energy levels. (Did u see harukas 2024 bdsy lines? Saki going "chirp~" to haruka trying to be a penguin for her is such an emu thing to do too. They'd Get Each Other). Its like two puppies meeting for the first time whenever they see each other

imagine emu swarming saki with gifts and funding her things she couldnt do before (ik tenmas are rich too but that's not Ootori "owns a whole airline, mansions, farm, theme park and more" level rich),,, actually it could very easoly turn into a gift war with these impulse buyers.... anyway. saki supporting Emu's ideas and going along with them. They could play sports together or bake together,,

They both are very open ppl who make friends easily and are easily liked. They want people to have fun and be excited, and share that with their art (music n shows respectively). They both don't wanna burden their friends with their personal problems n struggle with expressing more negative feelings, but would do a lot for their friends at the same time,,, they wanna stay positive despite the setbacks amd dont wanna concern others with being upset bc others know thats unusual of them,,, smth smth I see a bit of myself in u so by getting to know u I understand myself better, by helping u i help myself and by loving u I love myself more idk idk. There's also the angst potential of emu having already lost a loved one n being sometimes worried wrt Saki's illness

Emukasa could also have a fun thing going on here with being in-laws (is thst the term?). like. emu gets another big brother very reminding of her grandpa and tsukasa gets another younger sister that's also like. Saki 2.0 but Crazier /aff. Also due to both emusaki knowing tsks closely it's like, saki hears stories about emu at home and emu hears stories about saki at rehearsal. They get opportunities to learn abt each other from a perspective of a third party who cares them both a lot and like, its hard to not grow fond of someone when someone else talks nicely about them

Or smth. Idk. As I said I'm just having random thoughts,, but as I said platonic works just as well for them I get u

Yea ok. Sniffles and sobs

[solar-halos]

i watched speak no evil w my brother and now i need to talk about it. not to make this about race but something that jumped out to me was that this movie would only work with the whitest fucking family you’ve ever seen. let’s start at the beginning

1) we did get there late so idk what purpose dunking on danish ppl served so let’s just skip to the part where they let their twelve year old daughter ride a scooter with a man they JUST met. if some white middle age man offered to let let me ride saddleback on his motorcycle my parents (or at least my dad) would be like hell to the mf no and then we wouldn’t be allowed near him or his wife or his son ever again

2) speaking of his son that’s another reason why the movie would be over before it started. that’s prob more of an immigrant thing though (or like a machismo thing) bc i don’t think i’ve ever been allowed to play with boys no matter how old we were

3) okay actually my mom would have been a little fooled by that british accent

4) oh my god if we went over to this family’s house and the hosts were like “you’re sleeping in the same room as our son! :)” my parents (probably both of them) would be like hell to the MF NO. and then we’d drive back home and go no contact

5) the lack of backbone killed meee. if for some reason we weren’t gone by then you know what would have done the trick? some unfamiliar man being our fucking babysitter. my dad would be PISSED. my mom would be like “a brown man? girl…”

6) the husband telling everyone to swim in their underwear? girl…

7) i’m kinda forgetting the other details so im officially done dunking on white ppl. no offense to agnes bc she was distressed but feigning her period while she was bleeding in the front was like ..?

8) OH WAIT. back to dunking on white people bc if my parents (even my mom!) found me in some family’s BED holy shit. they would not careee about that lady’s sob story they’d escalate shit so much that the hosts would just kill them right then and there

9) also that stuffed animal agnes had was sweet and i love the lengths her parents went for her but my dad would be like get the fuck OVER it girl. and then if i tried kicking the backseat well. haha. let’s just say thqt wouldn’t end well

10) okay but also if i showed my mom those pics i dont think she’d believe me no matter how weird these people were LOL. like she’d still try to leave but i dont think she’ll be like “omg you’re right!”

11) the cheating beat was what rlly did it for me. like if that were my family the movie would be over before it even started. like i was confused why the wife kept saying her man was angry bc he never even yelled at her and the closest he ever came to lashing out at agnes was trying to get her to stop kicking his seat

12) he rlly was so in love with patrick though i thought there’d be at least one kiss between them

13) why did ppl (read: men) in the theatre start BELLY LAUGHING when patrick kept kissing the wife? gross

14) dude. if we didn’t manage to escape once (even tho we def would have… no way would either my parents drive back for a stuffed toy) my parents defintely would have kept driving even if patrick did push their son (who wasn’t rlly his son… but im gonna keep calling him that bc i don’t remember his name) into the lake. like for me my mindset for scenarios like that is “oh well u don’t rlly know how you’d react until it happens to u” but i know EXACTLY how my mom would have reacted. she would have kept driving

15) i do love the wife though. i feel like they were trying to make her annoying but we all need people like her. the food throwing scene was so upsetting (im a sensitive baby) and the husband not having a backbone drove me crazy. actually the husband was pretty much useless even before he broke his leg

16) i hate that uppity “im not gonna stoop down to their level” mentality. patrick literally said he was gonna take ur 12 yr old child as a child bride and u didn’t end it??

[pup-pee]

VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways

[lullabiesofalovesickangel]

im so tired

im so tempted to just tell them all i dont even want a day w them to "make up" for them missing the picnic

like im sorry??? its later in the day bcuz wifey works until 5am... we would both need SOME sleep to go to the courthouse && get it signed like wtf??? is that not crossing ur mind?? im not going to sign smth when im tired && im not going to force my lover to do that either

i understand the earlier we go the better but like... sleep is also important bcuz if i dont sleep i will go batshit

its not at [area] bcuz i want a different change for a little bit && ik there's going to be snakes out, it's not that hard to understand lol

like im not going to put the kids i babysit in danger just for a park that has snakes && make us go somewhere further away when we can have a place closer so everyone can go to work && so we can have a different change of pace

also bcuz the area they're wanting me to go is way too fucking close to where i got abused growing up, fuck that

like??? u want to tell me u respect the decisions made for "my day" but ur also going to say "y not here"?? r u srs???

r u fr??? like actually??? if i want to go to a diff park to have an easier time helping out w making sure one gets hurt then i should be able to do that, i can branch out locations i know

even then like... this weekend is going to be hell when sunday hits && then monday... u could at least yk be nice ab it

but im also overthinking bcuz i have a feeling that no one will actually show up, i'll get a txt saying "i couldnt make it so ill reschedule" like WTF DO U MEAN RESCHEDULE??? i get u can spend time w me && my wife at a later day but pls use a different term than "reschedule" bcuz i am NOT rescheduling my small ceremony w u

i plan on this being the first && last marriage i have so... fuck them for not seeing it for what it is

im sorry but if im done w this 7+ yr relationship... im just going to m-s my way out (iykyk) but im not getting a divorce lmao

i refuse to be like my parents && divorce any amount of times, 2+ should have been enough for them && im not going to divorce && fuckin leave ppl behind or smth

im so upset w my family

i want to sob

tbh i expected this, it always happens

i shouldnt have said anything

or ill get a txt from my dad && stepmom that theyre making it ++ my mom && stepdad && then itll crash bcuz itll be too tense

im going to kms if this day doesnt go well i swear

im so close to edge already i swear if my ONLY wedding day doesnt go well, im going to murder myself or someone else

[inkskxtch]

hello gone series ppl i FINALLY found Light after searching like 7 bookstores for a month straight and finished it in record speed the second igot through the door anyway here are some of my thoughts because i remembered almost NOTHING going back into this book so this was allllll new to me again :0

(spoilers ahead!!)

Sobbed my eyes out at the end of course im a little baby wimp. Super glad the breeze got to kick ass a few last times cause i knew what was coming and knew it was gonna crush me lol. Did…….. not expect the whole ‘drake’s severed head in the cooler’ thing but i want to draw his fucked up ‘split-down-the-middle backwards halves of his head with a lizard fused between his eyes’ moment sooo bad because it sounds so fucking funny and its criminal theres no fanart of this i think. Gaia was interesting but i wasnt too big on her, but i was ALWAYS intrigued by the sections outside of the barrier. Overall i was pretty satisfied with the ending??? There’s definitely a few details id change here and there but overall i really liked the conclusion. and the astrid-diana-lana friendship may have also made me cry a little as well as diana going to live with sam and astrid… im so glad she wasnt villainsed after the fayz i think that wouldve been my final straw

Some things i’d been hoping to see more was a sort of final reconciliation between sam & caine before caine’s death, just as like an acknowledgement of. “u r my brother and u suck but youre making this enormous sacrifice and i will always respect you.” BUT emotionally i dont think i couldve handled a scene like that. Also more personal criticisms- why wasn’t there more upset or attention brought to jack or orc’s deaths???? considering how heroic and vital they were during Plague & Fear especially, idk it just kinda crushed me a little that people were so devastated about brianna (me too dw) that pretty much everyone else in there didn’t even seem to care about them :(

Now that i’ve finished rereading the main series its definitely piqued my interest in reading the Monster/Villain/Hero spinoffs - i know the ending and most of the stuff that happens and while i Do Not Like It and refuse to accept it as canon, im so incredibly curious to read more

[everythingsinred]

Hello! I’ve been reading your character-relationship analysis’ of Natsume and Natsume/Mikan’s, and was curious about your take on Hotaru’s relationship with Mikan (rereading GA has had me bawling, as well as now being in the LGBTQ+ community noticing the subtle/heavy implications of Hotaru’s sexuality and Higuchi’s consideration of Hotaru even being one of Mikan’s love interests) as well as Narumi’s character development from when he had met Yuka, leading to his relationship with his students throughout the story (in flashbacks he’s very cold to smol Subaru and Sakurano after Yuka’s departure, but the earliest memory after that would probably be him scouting Ruka, Aoi, and Natsume). By then, he appears to be similar to the Narumi we usually knew—cheerful, enthusiastic, but above all showing genuine concern over his students. In fact, I’d even argue he seemed a bit more genuine with the children at that time than compared to when Mikan first meets him. He just felt oddly less involved with the ESP and the ESP’s plans when he scouted the trio (upset and angry that Persona had resorted to such dirty means even under the principal’s orders to the point he even slapped him, whereas it’s hard to imagine him lashing against a direct order from the ESP by the time he met Mikan.

Comically though, a small comment on Koko’s character in the story would be cool, too. He’s often played as comic relief, but it’s reinforced time and time again that he knows knows practically everything. His character is interesting when you put into perspective he’d be aware of all of the sacrifices Natsume had been making as well as his abuse, the darkness within the elementary school, everything that Mikan and co. had to go through throughout the story and etc. A small part of me wishes the kids in Class B had bigger roles in the latter half of the story, though I’m satisfied with their relationship with/to Mikan at the end (after all, I still sobbed at her graduation scene and their ‘memories of Mikan’ classes).

thanks for the message! im glad you read my analysis!

for hotaru, im probably not the right person to ask about this b/c i dont have particularly strong feelings about hotaru/mikan as a relationship. i do see hotaru as being queer in some way but im not really that interested in her having a romantic relationship with mikan, and even their canon friendship (as opposed to in fanfic) leaves me a bit... idk the perfect word to put here but like?? lukewarm ig? i think thats sacrilegious or controversial to say but its just a feeling that disappoints me as well. i have cried hard for them and i like their general dynamic, but theres something lacking abt them that i cant rly put into words. i would like to have felt more strongly about them, if that makes sense. its not hatred or even dislike or apathy. just more mild feelings than i would like. their friendship has potential, imo, but i just never considered it to be fully realized. but in regards to a romantic ship, then as a staunch natsumikan shipper, its hard for me to enjoy imagining them with other people, personally. but you have a lot of cool thoughts of your own and thats great! <3

like im pretty sure anybody who ships other ppl with natsumikan will end up being disappointed in my mikan pov natsumikan analysis bc my biases will be made pretty clear in that regard lol ;) but thats bc i dont write about things i dont like or that im not as interested in

i think i mentioned in my essay that i find narumi confusing as a character. his motivations and actions are really weird and sometimes hard to pin down. really i think hes the most mysterious character in the whole manga and any attempt to analyze him would probably lead to more questions than answers. hes a paradox lol. i cant really give u a "take" bc my take is just... who knows with him lol?? hes an enigma

i dont think koko is always using his alice though. he seems to have a large amount of control over it and only uses it for pranks and jokes. otherwise his character seems malicious, implying that he would know things about luna/persona/esp without letting any of the other kids know. but i think theres some evidence in the manga that hes not always using it, like when other characters tell him to use it (mostly natsume re:mikan like when she first transfers into class b or after the labyrinth). koko likes teasing mikan about who she likes, for example, bc he likes pranking ppl, but he wouldnt out somebody for something serious or keep something dangerous to himself. he says a few times something about "accidentally reading" somebodys mind. so i think he has some control over it, and isnt always reading ppl's minds 24/7, if that makes sense. im sure he knows some important/sensitive info particularly abt natsume, but probably on accident. but there isnt much he can do as a powerless kid so he keeps it to himself bc its all he CAN do for natsume.

i really liked the graduation/memory classes as well but tbh the ending could have perfectly utilized the smaller roles in class b if it had been longer and gone on for one last arc. i mean imagine the quest to find hotaru! natsume not using his alice so as to keep his life span longer and mikan having very little alice left means that other characters can finally have a bit of focus, like ruka as well as other class b characters! i like to think about this idea a lot lol. idk in general class b deserves more attention and love

sorry if these answers are disappointing. i have opinions on all these things but i dont wanna prattle on too much. thank u for sending me this ask! <3 have a lovely day or night depending on ur time zone!

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Peter Parker’s Younger Sibling

Peter Parker x sibling!reader

warnings: bullying mention, blood mention

a/n: a fuckin reach, its been a WHILE since ive seen tasm

prompt: y/n is peter’s sibling

peter and you were playful kids

you were just a year and some months younger than him, so you had a harder time remembering your parents than him

but he always told you stories about them that made you miss them a little more

peter was a genius, we all know it

he was the one helping you with your homework most nights

“peter i cant do it!”

“that’s okay, y/n. look, start with two times four, that’s eight, then four times six, twenty-four, right?”

“can i say a cuss word?”

“sure”

“math is shit”

you would cry during homework a lot

you’d also pass out on his floor after talking for hours

and you’d either wake up facedown on the floor or in your room since uncle ben would pick you up and put you to bed

peter took it upon himself to take you back to your room, but he usually dragged you by the arm, sooooo

you’d play action figures together

he was batman, you were robin always

“can i be batman?”

“oldest gets to be batman so im batman”

“but i wanna be batman!”

peter walked you to your school before taking off on his skateboard

and he’d pick you up on his way home

on half-days your brother taught you how to skate

you fell a lot

aunt may had to patch you up

“how many times do i have to tell you those skateboards are dangerous?!”

peter got you your own skateboard so that you could practice without him

you would text him after you did a trick and he’d always say hell yes! show me when i get home!

being his photography assistant

really you were his assistant constantly

science fair was the most boring day of the year

“y/n, stand right here, i need to get something from my locker”

*judges walk up while youre left unattended and in a state of PANIC*

you were bullied in middle school, same as peter, he’d always stick up for you and get beat up instead

it made you very mad but it was scary, too

“how’d you get into this fight, peter?”

“oh, you know, just happened”

“peter was sticking up for me, uncle ben”

“was he now? you’re a good brother, peter”

lonely when he moved onto high school :/

but you got there soon enough

you guys were kind of loners, just ate lunch together, lugged around your skateboards, you were an artist, he was a photographer

just spectating the chaos of high school, rolling your eyes at the drama

“i have two bucks, do you want anything from the vending machine?”

“uhh, a coke?”

you saw peter get bullied by flash and lost your shitttt

you actually started a food fight after throwing mashed potatoes in his eyes

“what the hell, parker?!”

“sit down and eat your goddamn food, flash, or next time it wont be potatoes”

peter was half-proud, half-embarrassed

trying to see how long you could skate through the halls before any authority figures stopped you

sometimes......you guys got sent to the office together :)

*phone ringing* “hello, is this ben parker?”

“which one of them is it this time?”

the principal’s office was a trip sometimes

you and peter exchange your glances and wait to get scolded

“ah, the parkers, come in, lets have a chat...why do you two always feel the need to get in trouble together?”

“we just happen to get along really well for siblings”

no you fuckin dont lmaoooo

it was always something with you two

like always

*banging on peter’s door* “I KNOW YOU HAVE MY BROWNIES, PETER, GIVE THEM BACK”

*peter through a mouthful of brownies* “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT, YOURE CRAZY”

“is that my jacket?” -peter

“you mean my jacket?”

“y/n, i swear to god if you steal any more of my clothes it’s over for you”

“well, aunt may keeps giving me your clothes, so take it up with her”

and then there was just the little annoying things

“peter, can you stop clicking your pen?”

*clicks pen faster*

“you’re the worst”

and my personal favorite

“peter, open the door”

“why?”

“emergency”

*opens bedroom door* “what?”

“aunt may is making meatloaf”

“shit, uh...get your board, we’ll skate to mcdonalds and tell her we already ate”

peter and you RARELY ever brought your parents up until he found your dad’s briefcase, you didn’t have much to say

soon he was flooding his room with conspiracies and pulling you in to explain them

he began acting REALLY weird, but he was pretty open with you, he told you he went to oscorp

“YOU SNUCK IN??”

“your standards for me are way too high, y/n”

soon you started to feel not-so-good and weird things started to happen

“peter??”

“yeah? whats up?”

“this is gonna sound really weird...my hand is stuck to the door”

“it happened to you, too??”

“happening, pete. wait—this happened to you?? what is this???????”

yall done fucked up and got bit by spiders peter had so carelessly brought back into the house

it was an adjustment to say the least

and this adjustment got a whole lot harder that one night...you can remember peter just...so upset

you tried to chase him out to make sure he was okay, but uncle ben told you to stay with your aunt

maybe if you’d have been there...it would’ve been different, but when the cops got to your house you were at a loss for words

peter was covered in his blood still

“hey, hey, just breathe, okay? it’s not your fault, peter. just hop in the shower, yeah? i’ll take care of your clothes”

when peter took your advice and you were left alone, you just cried, you cried until he finally found you curled up in a ball in your room

then he cried, you just hugged each other sobbing your eyes out

peter got distant for a while, which was rough since the two of your were mourning for your uncle and dealing with these newfound powers

sooner or later he came around and helped you out, designing webshooters and a suit for you

“we match?”

*sigh* “yeah...yeah, we match”

ah yes, spider-team

you really tripped out new york at first, they thought spider-man was a teleporter

peter was still talking about your dad, but you really didn’t care, uncle ben was always going to be who raised you

you and peter would be covered in bruises after going out

“uh—peter punched me”

“y/n???!!!”

“I PANICKED”

just being dumb scared teens that cant function to save their lives until they get a little bit lucky

seriously like, every big villain you guys fought was just the worst

peter didn’t help all the time, he was good at provoking them sometimes

“hey, spider-man, you mind shutting up for a minute? for my sake?”

“sorry, sorry, just couldn’t help myself!”

he gushed to you about gwen stacy, he actually dragged you to her apartment to be patched up by her SEVERAL TIMES

yadda yadda yadda peter graduated high school! how cool is that? but he was late (what a surprise) even though you put off spidering today just for this

but he made it and you clapped the loudest for him

“thats my brotherrrr!!!”

cute family picture! (aunt may printed a bunch of them and gave them to you two and peter pinned them to his wall)

you and peter actually have a lot of pictures of the two of you just goofing off

he has one of you stuck in a trash can that cracks him up every time

seeing harry osborn again after YEARS

“wow, y/n, last time i saw you i just thought you were peter’s annoying little sibling”

“aww, it’s good to see you, too”

electrooooo

this guy really worried you bc like, bzzzz shock

you and peter weren’t equipped for that

it took a while, but you were finally able to deal with that

and several other problems

including peter’s breakup, which was a whole ordeal of its own

*peter laying upside down on your bed* “i dont know, y/n, you know? i wanna be with her so bad, i love her...but her dad is haunting me”

*you, drawing on your notepad with your legs propped up on his* “yeah, makes sense”

you actually had to tap out during the end of electro, you were hurt pretty bad

“y/n, hey? yeah, you’re okay. stay here, just stay right there, i’m gonna be back for you”

*thumbs up to show youre still alive*

but when peter came back for you there was bad news, he’d lost gwen

he ripped his mask off and fell to his knees, you could barely move but you powered through it, giving him a hug while he cried

“we...we better get home before aunt may starts to worry”

she was at work, so you two had the place to yourselves to clean up and mourn before the official news was revealed

“i should have listened to her dad, y/n, this is all my fault”

he was a mess, you couldn’t bare seeing him like this. it’s been so long since you’d seen him like this

the funeral was rough, peter was grasping onto your shoulder the whole time

he insisted that he was going to stick behind and stay with gwen for a while

“okay, i’ll see you at home...love you”

“love you too”

you gave him a hug and left him to his business, the next few months you were the only spider-person operating in new york...until rhino popped up

“im coming with you”

“you’re sure?”

“yeah, im sure”

(these are kinda ass but anyways im tagging my marvel ppl even tho ik this isnt mcu so just ignore this post if you dont care, sorry!!)

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @allthecreativeonesaretaken // @frostedgiant // @praellee // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs //

[babysizedfics]

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

[befooled]

my feeling of being stuck is rly overwhelming rn, my feeling of being unimportant and worthless is rly overwhelming rn, my self hate is rly overwhelming rn

idk how to reach out anymore, i get so flustered and embarrassed and potentially more upset when i try to talk to someone when i feel like this. it feels selfish to start up conversation with “i feel like hurting myself pls talk to me”, i just feel like it doesnt matter

this sort of hole i get myself in makes me isolate myself while im sobbing about how lonely and needy i am, it doesnt make sense, it obviously doesnt help, but idk what else to do. i delete ppl off friends lists, i take myself out of discord servers, and then wonder why i dont have friends or ppl who care about me

i have no friends who live nearby to come over and hang out, its not just an exaggeration because i feel sad for myself, my closest irl friend is 30 mins away and takes more gas than i have and/or can afford. no one rly checks in on me, and im an adult i shouldnt need anyone to check in on me, but it feels so shitty. i dont even have a furry friend to hold hostage and cuddle until i feel better im so lonely

i make posts and things on snapchat, discord, instagram, here!!! about how sad i am and i try to be gentle, see if someone is open to reaching out for me because i dont want to bombard anyone, and it doesnt help

but the second i say “fuck u all” and get mean and bratty, ppl reply like???? why do i have to be mean, why do i have to be at a breaking point for anything to happen

even when i do manage and force myself to reach out, the ppl i talk to are uninterested, theyre busy, they cant rly comfort me

its just pointless, im pointless, everything is pointless. i was doing so well, we went 15 days without a meltdown!!!! and now i want to hurt myself again, fuck me

[themcfuckups]

ok, below is an rp i and @monty-enzo​ did, it sorta peters off when i guess i left the rp mood, which is why it switched from first person? to just us talking about them. (also my end started out not rp-like bcuz idk i do that sometimes when i dont feel like typing real rp responses) warnings: some nsfw at the end, otherwise its fairly safe word count: 2069(nice)

Monty was a mess, he said he would be home in a while. But his 'while' had dragged on to longer then he wanted. When he got home he just collapsed on the couch, too tired to move too upset to clean up. To much pain for anything else. He takes out his phone and looks at it bleary eyed, then deletes the messages then texts Oscar. Sorry I'm late. -M Are you still home? -M I hope you made yourself some dinner. -M Please don't wait up for me. -M He drops the phone onto the ground and lays with his face in the couch.

oscar was prob crying bcuz he was lonely and sal prob hung out with him till it got late then went home, and the lonely part isnt montys fault, oscars just really extroverted and has a need to be around ppl a lot. but when he hears montys back he'd immediately go greet him. sit on the floor next to the couch and be like hi im glad ur home bby

Monty felt sick, and the expectant look on Oscar's face made his stomach turn. What was he supposed to say? He didn't say anything he just started crying and clung on to Oscar. "S-stupid, h-hormones." he sniffed. "S-sorry I hic took s-so long t-to  sob come ho-home.."

Oscar wasn't expecting the burst of emotion from monty. he hugged him from the floor, rubbing his back "aw hey, what's wrong baby? who's ass do i needta kick?" he said the last part with a hint of aggression, always ready to throw down if someone hurt monty in any way.

Monty sniffed trying to get his words out without sounding to blubbery, "Atlas invited me over.. to introduce me to someone I never met." he wipes his face. "It was my dad..." he mumbles "Then Atlas got mad when I said he couldn't come to the wedding..."

Oscar wasnt sure how to respond to that. he'd always assumed monty's parents were dead, since he'd never heard mention of them. but of course, the main thing that rung in oscars head was that atlas was the one who'd upset him. he leaned back to cup his face and kiss his forehead, with sincerity and a small smile "do ya want me to punch him? i can punch him for ya."

Monty actually let out a weak giggle at that "No his face has to be pretty for the wedding you know..." he wipes his face and snuggles with Oscar. "I just dont know how he expects me to suddenly allow someone like that, back into my life..." Monty choked up again "He didn't want me."

oscar nuzzled him, happy he'd gotten a smile out of him."well, he made tha mistake of his life, clearly. look at what a wonderful person he missed out on knowin."  he wasnt fond of thinking about family that didnt want him, but he could relate a lot to it, and he didnt want monty to feel alone in it  "if it helps any.. my dad didnt want me either. i was told he seen me after i was born in the hospital and jus left then and there.. but ya know, fuck em. theyre just shitty people who dont give a fuck about their own kids.. id bet money their ribcages are empty." he said the last sentence with a sneer.

Monty didn't want to dwell on the subject any longer, so he just smothered Oscar in kisses. In his mind he claimed they would be the better dads and not leave their kids and never look back. He slides off the couch and carefully sits in Oscar's lap "Were you able to get yourself some dinner?" he asked finally, "Also you smell like Sal," he leans close and sniffs him. Sure he didnt have the smelling power Oscar's moms did but he could still smell that.

oscars tail thumped the floor a little before he controlled it to stop, happily kissing back and cuddling him close "wasnt hungry, and sal hung out with me for a bit.  they got some dinner for me before they left, think its chinese.. ya wanna eat it?"

"No, I'm not really hungry... I don't think the baby was to happy I got upset.. and kind of hurt me a little." Monty rubs his stomach slightly then rubs Oscar's. "And how are you my little turtle dove, did you get lonely too?" he coos and smooches Oscar's stomach.

oscar grins lopsided and does his best not to wag his tail again at the cute display. he was really getting tired of this tail business. the small fetus responded by giving a weak little kick, "heh, i think they missed ya too. looks like ya got two number one fans now, huh?"  it takes him a moment to backtrack to the first sentence, grin dropping in worry "do ya feel ok? should we go to tha doctor? are you bleeding? are they moving?" barage of questions as his hands moved under montys clothes to gently feel his stomach.

Monty slightly tensed under Oscar's hands and his face colored "Yes I feel fine, no we dont need a doctor, no I am not bleeding, and yes they are moving." and just as he said that Shiloh turned over, the movement felt against Oscar's hands. Monty shuddered a little knowing that Oscar's fingers would reach where the strap would be if he had a bra on. Which he promptly removed as soon as he got home.

oscar grinned at the movement, feeling his soul flutter in response. that was his baby in there, a tiny little thing he made with monty. he completly ignored his tail thumping the floor now, too concentrated on monty to care "youll tell me if ya dont feel good, right? and you should eat, what if it's hungry?"

He smiles softly "Of course babe, I'll eat for them, and I will tell you if something is wrong." Monty gets up with a little effort and waddles into the kitchen for some cinnamon oatmeal and milk. Something warm and yummy and filling for the baby. 

Oscar didnt have nearly as much trouble as Monty did with getting up, following behind him and being what some would consider an absolute annoyance, hovering, rubbing his shoulders , ect. Though at least he helped assist monty on getting items. He got a text, fishing his phone out to glance at it before shoving it back in his pocket without giving the words of the text a second thought. 

Monty honestly didn't mind Oscar hovering him, he had been used to it for a long time, and knew how to do things without tripping over him. Monty made dinner and while he was working on it watched as Oscar got a text "Who was it?" he asked seeing him shove it back into his pocket, concerned. "You okay babe?" he frowns stopping what he was doing and turning around to give Oscar his undivided attention.

Oscar looked at him a little confused, almost already forgetting the text. "Oh, it was jus ma." They had left for a few days to go deal with something else, but both texted him several times a day to make sure he wasn't slacking on taking care of his baby. Monty turning his attention towards him though, he crouched to nuzzle him again, being his ever affectionate self and ignoring whatever his mother had told him. 

Monty had finished making the oatmeal, since he wasnt entirely hungry, though it was for Shiloh's sake. He kissed Oscar for a moment then turns to get his bowl and starts eating, "Was it something important? You shouldn't ignore her texts." 

Oscar sits down, frowning a little "I'm not ignoring her, I seen it, it was just about-" he glanced at the bowl and frowned more, looking guilty "oh.. hm.." he fiddled with his sleeve a bit "I guess I should eat too. Heh.." its not that he was trying to not take care of himself, it just didnt really click as important to him unless he actually thought about it. 

"So, you didn't eat when Sal brought food over?" he asked as he spooned another mouthful of oatmeal into his mouth, he felt the baby shift inside of him. Rubbing his stomach "There there little one you'll get some food it will just take a little bit." Monty sits on Oscar's lap "Aahh." he holds a spoonful of oatmeal to Oscar. 

Oscar shrugged "put it in the fridge, that's why I asked if you wanted it.." he felt bad now for neglecting his baby. And stupid that he needed to be reminded of something so simple. He still smiled a little at the cute offer, eating the spoonful before kissing montys neck "if only eating you out counted as a square meal, I'd never forget to eat." He sat monty in his place, going to grab the food hed put in the fridge since he didnt want monty having to share his meal with him. 

Monty blushed, though looked down when he got moved "Oh," he frowns he didnt really want take out "It was very nice of Sal to bring you some food while I was away." he stated eating more of the oatmeal, even though he wasn't exactly gone very long. Though again just thinking about it had his mind full of thoughts. His dad, suddenly coming back into his life which he had no idea he still was alive. Why had Atlas not said anything until just now? Monty stopped eating. -------

m- I guess Monty would of just told Oscar hes not sure what to think about inviting his dad to his wedding, and hes not happy Atlas didn't tell him his dad was still alive until now and hes not even sure he wants Atlas to go. Like 'you cant just forget about that and not tell me.'

o-Oscar wouldnt know what to suggest, just be like 'follow ur heart'

m-I think Monty would be mad for like a while and fuckin extreme clean the house. which .. Oscar should stop him since hes pregnant -v- dishes, scrub the floors, counters, wipe the walls, dust. vacuum

0-Be like bitch stop that and sit down

m-babe lift the couch for me >:V

0-Massages his feet and kisses his toes

m- Monty just dsklhsdf and blushes hes ticklish slightly

0-Oscar's like if u want a workout, just bend over and I'll help you with a much better one. That doesnt include possible bad cleaning supply smells or toxins. Just nice organic stuff

m- fklshd Oscar is like "Welp time for baby yoga lets go." Monty gets down on the floor on all fours and sticks his butt up in the air. "Yeah I guess this helps." fksldhf

0- Well he meant his dick, but that works too

m- summon the dicco :V and I know you did I think Monty might end up crying during sex though cause hes super emotional lmao "Babe can we just snuggle.. Im sorry" sniffle

0- hed kiss him a lot and hold his hands "We can absolutely snuggle" Rub his tummy His dick can wait Like shhh it's ok, I can get off later, I just wanna smooch u and make u feel loved

m-hlkfhg Monty keeps pushing his plump lil ass against Oscar's hips like "plz fuck my thighs"

0-WELL ITS HARD TO REFUSE IF U DO THAT MONTY

m-dslkfh do it oscar stick your dick between those plump thighs meng give him a good ol squeeze.

o-Fine but hope montys prepared to have him panting and groaning curses against his neck

m-klshdf Monty is super blushy and still got tears from crying before but now hes fucking aroused and shit might fucking nut just from the rubbing

o-Hell yeah, dick rubbing over his puss Nuts all over his thighs and tummy

m-Monty is all panting and just gives him sloppy kisses clinging onto him "Thanks babe I feel a lot better now." nuzzles his face. - theeeen starts crying again "I love you so much." -sobs

o-Hfgdgdxvhfhg oscar just peppers kisses all over him and tells him how sweet and perfect he is

m-Monty turns and snuggles into Oscar touching him all over and cuddling up to him. Then probably just falls asleep against him afterwords tuckered out from stress -------end

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode #4: “I am definitely sobbing 24/7” -Gavin

-okay so dan left eight to one a real... how you say... zzz. and then birch activates the earthquake and gives us... the best swap... ever...? i say us i mean ME so anyway the swap gives me... my alliance members of vi/collin/ruthie which YES. we already are half the tribe eat it UP. then i have cindi who im close to, who im also in a second game with rn. which BAM, and also... og tribe majority mmmmm delicious. THEN from the other tribe i get. BODHI who im also close to outside of this, and am also in another game with rn (where im about to vote to keep him in so woo we love  building trust...?). then i have rachael who is a sweetheart and TIMMY. ONE OF MY OLDEST ORG FRIENDS HELLOOO. this swap is kind of... too... good? all the people i'd wanna vote out are on the other tribe so the MO rn is to just sweep challenges ideally? thats the agenda. because rn the ones i want gone are birch/keegan/zachary/gavin... all of whom are on the other tribe. so we better get to winning even tho it might be bad for austin/jay if we do (but maybe timmy would go first idek)

-okay so... we just won jeopardy? that challenge truly had me weighing up and considering literally fighting a child because that zach is half child prodigy, half robot he was literally bodying the challenges... BUT THEN WE WON ASFJDKSAL. we literally just went for broke on the final jeopardy and it came THROUGH. im so so happy because i want all of my swap tribe at merge, they are all people i want to stick around so even one tribal would be a disaster. i think timmy might unfortunately be screwed just because jay/austin are really connected. also the annie tribe is probably gonna lose... another og tribe member. but HONESTLY what can you do. this is good for my longterm survival anyway hopefully they turn inwards and get rid of one of OG Jack even though its probably unlikely KJFLSAD.

-well, to start out, i am sorry this is later than anticipated. however, what matters is that i am doing it now... right? ANYWAYS... onto the confessional. i think the main thing i want to talk about this round, is the brilliant move i orchestrated during that challenge that gave us the win... and the fact that i got NO CREDIT FOR IT. OKAY Y'ALL... I SEE YOU. but anyways, i think it is clear that i am basically a mastermind. however, what really matters is that we won... so GO TEAM (me)! following the challenge this round i was added into an alliance chat planned by keegan and zach with rachael and myself. so, when jess wasn't included, i obviously had to go talk to her and subtly expose that alliance... and funnily enough, keegan added jess to alliance with birch! FUNNY. so, we basically figured out that keegan is trying to play everyone and anyone he can--which will definitely be useful information going forward. overall this round, i think i really strengthened some key bonds with birch and rachael specifically. i was on call with rachael for 5 hours straight and talked about personal things with birch for about an hour. so, i honestly feel pretty good going forward. and on the bright-side, if things start to look like they're going south, i always have that idol in my back pocket. until next time... xoxo, gossip girl.

-well, to no ones surprise... we swapped. AND I WAS SEPARATED FROM MY RACHAEL. i’m not crying... (jk, i am definitely sobbing 24/7). but on the bright side, i at least have jess with me. unfortunately due to zachs poor math skills, we lost the challenge that should have been an easy win for us given our lead going into the final jeopardy... but gavin is not bitter. so, unfortunately, we have to go to tribal with a brand new tribe. on the bright side, it seems to be looking in OG jack’s favor numbers wise, so i don’t particularly feel like i am in danger. however, you never know what could happen at tribal council. so, if worse comes to worse, i will have my idol ready to play—but i am hoping it doesn’t come to that. it appears as though austin or jay will be leaving—which is perfectly fine with me (even if i want keegan to go sooner rather than later, it’s best not to make any unnecessary waves right now. so i will continue to let him become a bigger target and try to take charge and snake as he does... and we will go from there.

https://youtu.be/R3zDNJfI3Pc

https://youtu.be/4QKj_KZhhCE

-I....am upset. You put me on a tribe with little cutie Gavin and then RIPPED HIM AWAY. I am beyond upset. I am outraged. SWAP US BACK COWARDS. Can't wait for the next earthquake to hit so we can be reunited. I miss him so much. He still sends me tiktoks though so thats cute. we are watching Hamilton together on Friday and I am so excited.

-It’s 1:02PM and I still miss Gavin.

-It’s 5:14 pm and I still miss Gavin. Hope he doesn’t go home, but I won immunity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So I forced a swap. yay! I also exiled myself, mainly to keep myself safe cause fuck getting voted out, Am I right? So I don't really have anything to report on. uhhhh, yeah. Go everyone!! 

-When your tribe mates don't listen to your wager advice and you lose the challenge :))))))))))))))))))))))))

-So a swap happened so that's fun.... I can't even lie I  have swap PTSD from my last Survivor. I was swapped into the minority, rocked myself out with an idol for a souvenir. THAT BEING SAID... This swap worked out for me! I think? At least for now? If I didn't have Gavin with me I'd be extremely worried but because I do believe he has an "in" with the bro's Keegan/Zach aka: a duo... I'll at least know if they are up to some shady shit. I also got Chips! SO PARTY. I'm really thankful we got a swap because I don't know if I would have survived a couple of votes on my previous tribe. I wasn't necessarily "in" with people. So a swap was welcomed but I was also scared shitless. This swap has really opened the door for me/Zach? I don't trust him the slightest BUT at least we have some sort of dialogue right now compared to the crickets we were exchanging on OG JACK. This swap also broke up the "alliance" of Zach, Rachael, Keegan...and Gavin. So now they'll need to find a replacement Rachael and I know I'm not as pretty as Rachael but maybe I'll fill the female quota in that alliance? Chips has opened up a LOT to me so far. We've exchanged idol searches but he feels on the bottom of that "alliance" and I don't blame him. I just don't know where we go from here after this vote. He flips? to Jay? Maybe a Jay/Chips/Keegan/Zach majority? He wants me to flip to a Chips/Jay/Timmy/Majority? I have no idea. We also get Birch next round! I do enjoy Birch so much but that's a number for Keegan and that makes me un-easy. Keegan is easily my biggest threat so far. Next round could potentially be a 6.vs. 2 majority and it can't be THAT simple. I'm going to focus on winning... I guess? I'm really enjoying Timmy so far even though he's given me a few red flags or I'm being lied to hardcore. Austin told me he had a vote reveal however, why would Timmy tell someone who he has said "treated him badly" about a power? So either Timmy is playing me or Austin is playing me. Either way they both can go?! Timmy gives me such weird vibes. I want to trust him but I also think he's going to be a super cut-throat player down the line and that SCARES ME.

Ok.....with the swap that happened and us losing immunity I really feel my game is over. Which really sucks bc i wanna work with ppl like keegan jess jay chips and zach but I dont feel most of those ppl wanna work with me.  I'm not gonna give up tho . I'm gonna try talking and making deals and doing what I can to save myself.  It's not over til tribal and I have plenty of time. Pleaseeeee atomic gods let me make it through this one vote 

Me never remember what my last confessional was about? The title of my autobiography. So, we swapped which is super unfortunate but the tribe I got swapped into has a majority OG Jack members. JESS, ZACH, GAVIN, CHIPS and myself against JAY, TIMMY Z and AUSTIN. And then we lose the challenge because math is apparently impossible? Like ZACH either threw the challenge on purpose or he’s just the worst person at math. Either way, we’re going to tribal tonight. The current plan is to stay tribe strong and vote out an OG Annie which is fine by me. JAY is saying he wants to work with me because we’re both previous winners which is a good point. But I’ve got some solid alliances already and I don’t want to mess those up this early into the game. As far as I can tell right now, the plan is to split votes between JAY and AUSTIN with AUSTIN being the primary target since he’s pretty bad at challenges and isn’t likely to work with us down the line. TIMMY apparently spilled the beans about a six person alliance that didn’t include himself or CINDI, so we’re trying to keep him safe and pull him in as a number for the future. Who knows what will happen though. There’s idols to worry about which is why we’re trying to split the vote. 

This tribe swap makes me so happy because I vibe with these people so much better and it gives me a new chance in this game to fix my activity level. On top of that, we are safe!!! Another round of not having to go to tribal is a good round for me. Who knows why the Annie tribe only wagered $3,000 because that made absolutely no sense but I’m not complaining. Overall, A+ round!

So this round, i find myself swapped into a tribe of people that are so much better then my old tribe. I was on the outs of that 6 person alliance and I am sure I would have been the next to go for sure. I get a really good vibe off of zach and jess, plus gavin and keegan are cool too. Not to sure about Chips but I have to put my trust in these people for the mean time. As for the challenge, we lost and i knew I was going to vote with the old Jack tribe. We plan on splitting the votes 3 vs 3 with austin and jay voting whoever. Of course in true them style, the moment they found out it was them, they threw me under the bus immediately. Hopefully everything goes as planned tonight and Austin goes home, if not it is going to be me. I have had good convos with people tho and hope that can get me through this tribe.

Well this swap completely sucks. In the complete minority, someone sold out the alliance to Timmy so I doubt he trusts me anymore. I just tried to be honest with him so he'd see me in a better light and I hope it worked. Beyond that, we lost the challenge and I think my head is on the chopping block. Earlier today Chips came and told me that he's pretty sure the votes are coming down on me and they're gonna tell me Austin to fake me out. And you know, that's probably true because Zach, Keegan, and Gavin have all told me it's Austin. What troubles me is that Chips doesn't seem to have a plan otherwise even though it seems like he wants to do something else. So once Zach told me it's Austin, I had more of a chat with him. He really seems to not want me to go anywhere, which is hard not to believe. Either he's telling me the truth or he's a fantastic liar. Same with Keegan, even though I think it's in both of our best interests to work together going forward. At this point it's clear that it's gonna split between Austin and myself so i worry if I don't vote Austin then I'm just automatically out. Shits really hard in the game right now and all I want is to survive another day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25eKaudnTmA&feature=youtu.be

https://imgur.com/31jZcmF

I am finally not at the bottom. My original tribe has minority and I have prior existing relationships with 2/3 of the og Jack tribe. Plus I have bodhi, whom I absolutely love, on my tribe. I am happy. 

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Click HERE to watch the Round 4 Cast Assessment!

[jooheonies]

Aight imma call you anwar now so you know it's my dumb ass but I want to read ur jooheon essays bc he destroyed my bias list as well as shownu but jooheon still is just a dream of a boy every man on this earth should aspire to be as beautiful of a person as jooheon

oh! wow ive been given free reign??to discuss my love? for jaaneman jooheon

lee jooheon is fucking perfect to me okay? like as monbebes, we always talk abt his stage charisma and stuff, but honestly? jooheon owns the stage, the way he raps, the way he moves with the music, is so utterly raw, it’s like he’s pouring his everything into the music. the way he spits out the words, does the little lilts in tone, growls out the fading bits, jooheon becomes the music, like he is the song. this isn’t even because he likes the song or smth, jooheon just has such a strong passion, a driving energy, it’s like everything he does up there on the stage is bc he loves it and he wants to do it jooheon becomes the song because he doesn’t know how to do anything but

furthermore i would like to bring a new item of discussion to the table as an unpopular opinion: jooheon is not 2 ppl–soft offstage, charismatic on stage. in fact, they are both amplified aspects of lee jooheon. 

ok okay hear me out. look, lee jooheon is different than jooheon of mx, right?  okay so lee jooheon is actually  rlly sweet, but slightly more reserved than jooheon of mx. and you can argue w me on this, but my man and i literally have the same fucking birthday so fuck off i Get Him (im joking i promise im not a bitch). okay so moving on, here’s what i mean: he plays the whole role of the cutie, the lil adorable fluffball, but jooheon isnt a huge fan of physical affection unless you’re close with him and That right there is lee jooheon not jooheon of mx. literally he would only let minhyuk actually cuddle him as of recent–jooheon fucking loves it when minhyuk hugs him or cuddles him. and im not saying he outright rejects hugs or affection, but he really only initiates this when he’s completely comfortable with you, like wholly and fully is close with you. however, he’s been getting closer and closer with the members and now he’s comfortable with even kihyun hugging him. but see, his affection is interesting, bc it’s like he doesn’t necessarily like it, but he knows what helps his members out. when changkyun’s nervous, or a lil fidgety, jooheon is quick to put his arms around him, to rest his head on changkyun’s shoulder. jooheon picks up quickly on people and their personalities, which then helps him figure out what he has to do to help them when they’re upset.

my point is, jooheon amplifies the cuteness, the fluffiness bc he’s trying to become a better version of himself. the jooheon we see offstage is actually an amplified aspect of lee jooheon, just like the jooheon on stage is an amplified version of lee jooheon’s passion. jooheon of mx embodies the raw passion lee jooheon has, the energy, the drive, everything he loves. so the jooheon of mx we see is actually the parts of lee jooheon that he amplifies! so what im trying to say is that jooheon is actually giving us his real personality through joohoen of mx. this sounds fucking weird and also like i spend wayyyy too much time analyzing him, but the thing is, we never realize that when we get jooheon of mx, he’s actually feeding us his favorite parts of lee jooheon, the boy who just really fuckin loves music and is sweet beyond words. jooheon of mx is lee jooheon, but the parts that he wants us to see, the parts he knows will make us happy.

jooheon is so completely selfless, like everything he does is just to make people happy. the cuteness we get? bc he knows it’ll make us happy. the hugs he gives the members? makes em happy. the way he carefully cheers on each of the member? good loRD hes so fucking good at that. lee jooheon is KING of soft compliments, of “wow! u hit that high note really well!” to kihyun when they’re reacting to their stages and kihyun looks nervous (boy always looks so stressed abt his lines – breathe baby, breathe) or “ooh, have you been working out?” when he sees hoseok walkin around in tighter shirts or telling changkyun ”brooo ur flow” like it’s all second nature to him, it’s like an extension of who he is. that is lee jooheon transitioning and bleeding into jooheon of mx.

okok also! i love the way jooheon doesn’t pit himself against anyone! like kihyun also does this really well!! they get better bc they want to get better for themselves! when he practices (think back to no mercy) he doesnt think “oh wow, i need to be better than X person”  he critiques himself, he anazlyzes each and everything he does, down to the little noises he makes, the way he breathes during certain parts. jooheon doesnt think that he should get better because someone is catching up to him. he gets better because he feels like he is his own competition. this is something thats like hecka clear in no mercy, like when he won that recording thing w hyorin and san e and l i t e r al l y aced the recording in one go, but my bby was like nah i think i can do better. jooheon flourishes under praise, but he doesnt end it there. he doesnt think that just bc he’s been praised he can stop–no, his mind immediately jumps forward, he’s already moving onto wow how can i be even better, how do i continue to get praised. his mind is so interesting, like the satisfaction that comes with being praised is immediately overridden, by the need to get better so that the praise continues. 

also when he gets praised his face does this rlly cute thing where he baiscally tries to do a humble smile, but he’s so happy that someone complimented him taht he gets this strain on his faCE AND HE LOOKS SO FUCKING HAPPY! also when he smiles, like genuinely, and his upper lip curls just a bit over his teeth and the dimples pop out (aka my home) and his eyes scrunch shut!! beauty!! also the way he laughs!! when jooheon thinks something is really funny, he laughs in high pitched hiccups with lil choked off noises. when he’s giggling, it’s lower pitched with a sort of warmth to it, but my favorite laugh is when he’s with his fans and someone says or does smth. like jooheon LIGHTS THE FUCK UP for his fans im not even joking hes so beautiful im sobbing i love him

ok wow this got rlly long and im gonna stop now pls dont hate me this is the one time i cried about him pls

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.

[diabolikfuck]

OKAY THIS IS A LONG POST AND ITS SAD AND ITS ABOUT SHUUMA AND IM RAMBLING BUT IM SO UPSET AT MYSELF READ IT

What if a war broke out and everyone’s forced to join up and Yuma and Shu are like sHIT because they’re like the most anti war ppl ever and Yuma’s like whatever I’ll fucking try but when they get to the trenches shu’s having nONE of it and is already hiding and panicking in the corner and Yuma has to calm him down. When fighting starts Yuma’s actually rEALLY GOOD and gives everyone orders bc he’s smart in that way and he’s shouting and getting shit done while bombs and fire and shit is going on and he just looks over at Shu having a fucking fit in the corner covered in mud and Yuma just has to make sure people are doing their jobs and calmly has to help Shu out like “baby, I have to go out into no man’s land. I can’t promise I’ll come back, but it’s pretty likely because of my muscles. Make sure you hide nice and tight away from the sergeant because we don’t want you executed, alright” and shu’s just balling like “YUMA DONT SAY THAT YOURE GOING TO LIVE.” And Yuma just kisses Shu and runs off into no man’s land while shus panicking BC he doesn’t want Yuma bear to die oH MY GOD. Okay UH Yuma’s actually doing a really good job and he’s been fighting really well and jUST IMAGINE HIM GETTING CLOSE WITH HIS COLLEAGUES AND JUST SHOUTING AND WATHCING THEM DIE OHHMY but yeah he gets promoted to a sergeant while Shu digs himself into a fucking hole bc he knows he’ll die bc of narcolepsy and Yuma visits him and gives him food but oNE DAY Shu gets found by one of the bIG BOSSES and he gets forced out into no man’s land and while Yuma’s giving orders he turns around to see Shu walking up to the battle and Yumas like “SHU SHKBSLKBHA” and runs after to him like “dude did you get found? I’m so glad you’re safe” kisses him and gives Shu a piggy back, running back to the battle screaming orders to the soldiers while shus having a panic attack on him bc of fire and just people getting shot and dying in front of him and general. After the battle both are alive somehow and get back to the trenches and sleep together in a dug out and shus literally on the verge of exploding so Yuma tries to find a Really Good™ place to hide and Shu stays in there while Yuma goes out to fight the next day. But that day he doesn’t come back bc guESS WHAT he got shot rEALLY BAD like right in the stomach and he tries to crawl back but he looses too much blood. The other troops come back and Shu pokes his head out of the hole like “where’s Yuma” and the others are just like :’( “sorry mate.” And shu’s just AAAA

ALTERNATE ENDING

Instead of Shu getting forced into no man’s land the big boss is like “so you’ve been hiding in here the whole time” and shu’s just really scared and nods and he gets sentenced to fucking dEAth and when everyone comes back from fighting shu’s just standing there and looks up at Yuma and Yuma’s like “what? You okay babe?” And shu’s just “I got found, Yuma. I’m getting executed next Monday. I’m sorry.” Yuma’s eyes widen until he drops down to the mud and wEEPS HARD. Next Monday comes and Yuma has tried his VERY BEST™ to stop this from happening from threatening to kill himself in battle to tying himself to shit but it doesn’t work; refusing to go out and fight causes big consequences. So Shu is tied to a pillar or something with 4-5 men standing waiting to shoot when the order comes. They don’t want to but it’s their duty. Yuma has to be held back by loads of people because he’s fuckin hYSTERIC AND ANGRY AS FUCK. Shu looks up to Yuma and smiles lipping the words “I love you, baby” to Yuma and Yuma’s just sOBBING SO HARD, then Shu gets shot and then there’s silence. Yuma drops to the ground sCREAMING and can’t even do his job anymore because he can’t stop thinking of Shu. He just lets the soldiers do whatever they want during battles and eventually gets shot and doesn’t care. He just drops to the ground, welcoming death. :’))))