#guys i didn't even have to use that many references i'm so proud of myself--

[dollya-robinprotector]

If it's alright to know, can I ask how you got to draw boobas and abs so well? Any references/tutorials you can share?

Or maybe tell us your secret on how to draw clothes, folds and wrinkles?

I really admire you and your art. I tend to look at your blog for inspiration for my own drawings haha

That's a lot to unravel on just one ask isn't it? But, hm... Well let's talk about abs, or more specific, how I draw men.

Would you believe it if I said I did NOT know how to draw men? Male, boy, guys, dudes,... I just did not know how to draw them, and I don't even know for certain if I know now.

I'm serious. It's not just that "never good enough" thing every artists have, it is what it is. I just didn't know how to draw men, so I avoided entirely drawing any men-related stuffs if possible. Female are easier, they're soft and delicate and dainty and just vibe with my way more. I love gesture and dynamic, so doing men's strong and huge and stoic anatomy is torture, if they don't have at least some more feminine trait like long hair,... Almost any attempt I made to draw them are just miserable I can barely look at them second time.

My attempts at drawing men since 2018. You can already compare the fem character is more relaxed than the stiffy stuffy male O)-( And this is already my most proud piece I could show

So, what happened?

✨I brute forced myself✨

I joined this segg game fandom and forced myself to draw hetero nsfw, not very often as it should, but I really tried.

I created male designs that are challenging to me and forced myself to👏just👏fucking👏draw👏them.

That's why you can see very clear how M!Robin (which I drew first and tend to draw the most) has soft and round features, resemble to how I draw females. Next is M!Sydney with his long hair and soft face but more solid body underneath soft and covered clothes, that's how I practiced the "outline".

Next is Kylar, Whitney when I started moving to "facial expressions" and "abs" since Whitney needs to look the most solid out of all the school LIs. From that on you can see how I created Homestead AU and Alex design, which combined many factors I listed above. Andddd now I'm working on the Great Hawk for more "furry" look :D

But, honestly, the game was on since I created Lyah. I actually had him in mind very early, but just after the dance pieces and the Nymph comic did he took his shape correctly.

Lyah was truly a challenge, so everytime I draw him I went absolutely wild and then discovered something new :D

Like, how thick should his neck is to be just enough, to let people know he's a muscular man but not the Rock level

How to make his tits or his ass look bouncy and plump even when he's wearing clothes

How the fuck do muscles work when his hand turn like this, or like that, or round the back,... Those subtle lines on his arms cost me my fucking life O)-(

Like that and that... The wrinkles? Fold? Abs? His penis? Everything, I fucking brute forced myself to just search for the refs, muscles chart, and draw my shit out. But that's exactly why I still don't even know if I'm doing good enough.

Well, according to my friends, who are WAYYY better than me, I'm still having very very VERY far to go O)-(

So, yeah, I guess the first and formost thing is just keep practicing and moving out from your comfort zone, little by little. I'm honored that I can be inspiration to someone, anyone, and I hope we could keep moving forward together ✨

[missskzbiased]

Okay, I feel prepared to complain about how dirty they did Penelope now. My ted talk will be about ✨Inconsistency✨

So yeah, I'm aware that we are inconsistent in our growth, but I'm also aware that the show wasn't trying to portray that. What we got was another case of "Tell, don't show" (as I'm calling it for now).

The show tells us that Penelope is confident now, that she knows her worth, that she's assertive, that she can stand her ground. She's Mrs.Independent and that's why Colin and us should love her (Ne-yo reference intended). But I honestly didn't see it. I saw people saying she was, and that was it.

My guess is that we don't see it because that's not what a Lawful-Good Female Lead is supposed to be. She's either badass and knows all and fight bad guys or she's a crystal. And they said they had to go for the second, because our female characters can do no bad even when they're doing bad.

Let me break it first: I love Penelope. This doesn't mean I can't see she's a little shit SHUAHUSAHUSHUAHUASHUSA. I love that for her. It's in alignment with her character. She's neglected, she got power, she's young, and she abuses her power. That's perfectly fine, this leaves room for character growth if we face it as it is: A flaw.

"Missy, she only did everything that she did out of concern for those who love"

I'm sorry, but no, darling. No. Penelope literally said to Marina "Anyone but him". If it wasn't Colin, and if she didn't have feelings for him, Penelope wouldn't have said anything as LW, she would let Marina trap someone else. She's loyal, but it doesn't mean she's good necessarily. And when she hurts those who she cares for, who she'd like to be loyal for, she cries, which means there is something we want to improve, right?

So here, we get it: Penelope is a flawed character that has to grow.

Amazing. Now, how do we do this? We have to make her confident, to see her worth, to see Whistledown as it is: a powerful weapon that should be used wisely.

We do not do this by telling the audience that now she's all that. We show the audience that she's all that. But that's not what happens.

Regarding the Featheringtons, I'd say that yeah, we see this. We go from Penelope smugness by being courted by a Lord or not asking permission to marry Colin to Penelope caring and relating to her family. That's great. I think it's the reason why we see so many people enjoying the Featherington side plot this season, including myself. Penelope goes from trying to overpower her family to matching them, and that's great to see.

Now, when we talk about the Bridgertons, that's not what we see.

First, we have Eloise pushing her to confess everything. She says that if he doesn't know her entirely, he can't love her. And Penelope buys it. She's insecure, she can't fathom Colin loving her, she has to ask "Are you sure?" when he says he does. Okay, so this is perfectly in character at this point. It's understandable.

Then, we have Eloise telling her that she can't tell Colin anything, that she can't say Cressida isn't LW, that she can't be both a Bridgerton and LW. At this point, Penelope was determined to tell Colin about her identity, she was just looking for the right time. But once Eloise asks her not to, she gives up. She not only gives up on being LW, she gives up on not letting Cressida, someone who she hates and did her wrong, take the credit. Eloise also says something quite important here "This is just gossip". At this point, Penelope might believe her, or at least not have the presence of mind to disagree.

Okay, so up until now, we only see Penelope bending her wishes and dreams because of the Bridgertons. Still in character, I guess. She didn't acknowledge LW as what it truly is at this point: Power that can be used wisely. Perhaps, as everyone demonizes LW, Penelope also sees it as something to be guilty about, not proud. Or perhaps, she isn't as confident as she thinks she is, and she can't be proud of what she did if no one else is validating it. Still in character. Great.

But then, Eloise freaks out and Penelope goes "I'll publish again and save your family. Whistledown isn't just gossip, it's power". Here, we have her publishing important thinks, some kind of redemption. Here, we can say that Penelope is proud of what she can do, that she understands the importance of what she's doing. That she's assertive and confident, even if what triggers it is the need to help someone else, not herself. Okay, it's a good start to change.

At the wedding, we have her going "Colin, LW is me, and I won't give up on myself". GREAT. That's what we want to see. Here, Penelope's agency is not determined by what the Bridgertons want/expect from her anymore. Or at least, that should be the case.

But we don't see this anymore.

We see her struggling in her marriage. A LOT. We see all the guilt, all the regret, all the challenges. We see her being silenced by Colin, Eloise and her mother once they want to help her. We see her being mistreated AND WE DON'T SEE HER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. WE SEE HER ACCEPTING IT.

Eloise begged her to save her family. Penelope did. She got in trouble with her fiancee because of it. And all Eloise has to say is "Well, thank you for your service, I guess. It's a shame I can't meddle with your relationship, you'll have to figure it out by yourself, we're not friends anymore, remember?". And all Penelope says is "No, yeah, I completely understand your standing".

No, Penelope. You don't. You shouldn't. You should be mad because your said-friend betrayed you and turned back to your just to turn her back to you later. You shouldn't be this understanding. Penelope reacts when she's hurt by her family. Penelope is assertive when the writers want her to be. She's honest. She's proud of herself. Why can't she say anything at this point? Guilt? Guilt isn't a good excuse at this point anymore. She's once more doing what the Bridgertons want/expect her to do. This isn't growth.

Then, Colin proceeds to be an ass to her (JUSTIFIED BY HIS CHARACTER AND WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH. BUT HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE HURTING. PENELOPE IS HURT BY HIS ACTIONS, AND SHE'S ALONE NOW CUZ SHE HAS NO FRIEND AND NO LOVER AND SHE'S STILL GROWING IN HER FAMILY HERE). The point is: Colin does everything he wants to do, he tells her she manipulated him, he tells her she's foolish, he tells her he can't accept her, he says "Not up to you to decide your own life" and makes things worse. He does everything bad, he doesn't show her in any kind of way that he loves her despite their problems, and she still doesn't say anything.

I wanted to see Penelope throwing a tantrum. I wanted to see her going "Excuse me?! My life is up to me, I think I should have the right to talk too" once he shuts her up. I wanted to see her storming out, or fighting or anything, really. All we got was seeing her taking hit after hit and not hitting back. And I don't think that's growth. I'm not saying that she needed to be an ass like Colin, but she NEEDED TO SAY SOMETHING FOR HERSELF. And she didn't. So it felt REALLY unbalanced. And it wasn't consistent to the point the got her in character development either.

And then we have that speech. But at this point, it's so tiring seeing her doing nothing about herself, that I don't buy it. She looks nervous, and the speech isn't really delivered in an impactful way (not because of Nicola, but because they're telling us what they want us to believe, but that's not what I'm seeing, so it doesn't hit me). And we get Colin confessing to her. And all is well. And that's it.

I felt like they promised me a good character development and got me a Female Lead with no flaws but being different than other girls and too good to this world to do anything wrong while doing everything wrong. It was a waste of potential.

[vellichorom]

speaking of which, regarding the last post I’m a little curious, how would YOU design Stanley according to his canon design? Feel free to ignore this though it’s just a little silly thought.

same anon that asked about drawing goreguts fanart,,, don’t worry it is in my thoughts I just have art paralysis 🫡

watch in AWE ladies & gentlemen, as i paint myself as a massive hypocrite

not like i'm really designing stanley to be super pretty & handsome but-

so,, in the beginning, my sibling designed a stanley that i fatefully gave a narrator to! so when they made a narrator design themselves, it seemed only befitting that i again, supply & give that boy a stanley;

thus, for my sibling's narrator Evelyn, a narrator turned multiverse overseer after his game was destroyed by dataminers fucking around, i gave him a stanley that narrowly survived the destruction - but not unscathed;

behold the derogatorily dubbed " Glitch, " who went from having a face to Not having a face,

( his ruined texture face based off of The Theater creepypasta's swirly head man, because i thought it was really cool at the time )

...but i'm not very proud of " Glitch " these days; i admittedly kind of made him on a whim a couple years back, vaguely based off of popular fan designs i enjoyed, & didn't put a lot of time or effort putting any special twist on his design beyond... the obvious,

if i had to redesign him now, i'd make him look MORE akin to a broken game model, more OBVIOUS than just the little face quirk. & i'd just use the GIVEN stanley design that the game gives us.

that goes for just designing the man as is as well.

FEW people these days seem to embrace or even refer back to stanley's canon design, painfully basic though it may be, the fact remains that he HAS a design already. it's kind of odd seeing so many people diverge so FAR from it, changing the basics of turning his curly hair straight or going AS far as to making him an anime-looking little boy. & i get why, to some degree - AT LEAST regarding the simpler aspects of switching up the design a little bit for interpretation's sake - adding a Bit more variety when your character IS just the most basic white guy alive. nothing really wrong with that, i'm dabbling in the same in other fandoms, but going SO FAR in making that Middle Aged Man a magical hot anime guy to go with your magical hot anime " Old Man,, " makes me a bit sick to think of tbh!

of course, saying all this & wondering " oh gee why don't people stick with canon more... " i'm heavily tainted by bias in thinking @tomiechu's stanley is one of the best alternative designs ever & the ONLY one that could ever go with my narrator.

NOT like his design or attitude has gone terribly far FROM the given path, & he CERTAINLY isn't a little handsome pixie twink boy. he's just stanley ❤️ & the one i'd rather fall back on ANYWAY rather than make a design of my own. look at him

[whatiwillsay]

Tea Time Anon

note: in this post i refer to tumblr user Spade-Riddles as "ttb" the whole time (her suspected old blog's nickname was ttb). wherever you see me say "ttb" i mean tumblr user Spade-Riddles.

alright, guys, i got the ok from the original tea time anon who found me and told me about how they tricked ttb into thinking they were an insider.

i'm sharing now because the damage she's done to queer people in this community is insurmountable and the idea that little baby kaylors are thinking about missing out on the show of a lifetime because they want to skip eras tour because they're sad about karlie having another baby with josh is just breaking my heart. ttb has been leading people to believe that kaylor is still together and saying her "insiders" have proved it to her and every time karlie does anything with josh all those people get upset. it's not fair for this woman to mislead people and ruin their taylor/gaylor experience by getting their hopes up that karlie and taylor are just around the corner from coming out when obviously that couldn't be further from the truth. i mean it's insanely obvious to me that karlie and taylor have long gone their separate ways and are no longer involved at all but i digress.

i held back on sharing this for a while because while ttb is kind of humorous to watch she IS dangerous and i just didn't want the heat from her. her (or her followers) have harassed, stalked, and outed multiple gaylors in retaliation for speaking out against her:

but i think it's time i get over that. i don't think they'll find my identity and even if they do whatever i'll be alright.

so long story short- someone reached out to me to tell me they were tea time anon and that they did it to see if they could get ttb to believe them as an insider source. i got the code they used to verify themselves to her and to prove to myself they weren't pulling my leg sent in a message about the coney island bridge because cara's birthday was coming up and the bridge says "happy birthday". i capitalized ISLA in the word because cara likes that name. it was a bit of a laugh but mostly i just had to send something to prove they weren't just pretending to be tea time anon.

here's some of our convo (make note of the dates):

so those are all from april 6th and as you can see here's the anon i sent in posing as tea time anon that was posted on april 7th:

and here's a message from the next day- tea time's reaction to it and me mentioning why i capitalized isla:

and at some point, one of us (idk who) went back and told them yes the baby is named isla:

so yeah... if you're reading this and you've ever thought ttb had legitimate info from her myriad of insiders from Spade to Tea Time Anon to that flag person who's sending in stuff these days now you know... she just doesn't. it's people making stuff up or fanfic-ing or trolling.

let me just say i do think all of this is childish and i don't encourage this kind of thing but sometimes childish stuff is gonna go down in fandom spaces. it's just the name of the game. i've had my childish moments and i'm not exactly proud of that, but ttb misleads and harms so many innocent people, especially so many innocent young queer people it's time someone shined the light on just how misinformed she is and provided hard proof that yes coincidences happen. just because a fake insider mentions "isla" and taylor wore isla boots or an isla ring 3 years before that doesn't mean they are legit.

i encourage everyone reading this to try and learn how to enjoy gaylor without plummeting into complete conspiracy theories. there are a lot of healthier and more realistic ways to appreciate taylor's music from a queer perspective than what they get up to over on spade-riddles.

and another reminder that ttb is dangerous. she (or her minions) harasses and outs people who disagree with her. if you're a fan of hers, please be careful. never share your identity or personal details about your life with her or her henchmen.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE IF YOU HAVE ERAS TOUR TICKETS GO AND ENJOY IT DO NOT SKIP THE SHOW OF A LIFETIME JUST BECAUSE KARLIE KLOSS IS OUT HERE LIVING HER BEST LIFE! YOU WILL FOREVER REGRET NOT GOING.

[boyfridged]

Top five lines of dialogue you've written

ask me my top 5 anything!

i am a huge fan of silences, so this is a challenge... my dialogue is barely existent and always so heavily rooted in the scene itself. but let's see. in random order,

“Let me finish this,” Jason says, pushing him away. “By myself. Let me finish this-”

from: &you need a shovel: a dick & jay story wip. i love this line because it's a reference to "my sister, who died young, takes up the task" by jon pineda and because jason says it standing in a half-dug grave.

“I’m doing this,” Willis says, looking up to meet the blank stare of the white lenses, “so that my child never has to.” “I–” Batman shifts his weight. It’s the first time he visibly moves since the conversation started. But Willis has decided that he’s no longer scared of the guy. He cuts in: “And you, you have your kid following you around dressed like a dartboard. That’s the difference between us.”

my willis character thesis! and because there's not enough willis, from another little wip of mine, in which willis lives and gets to hear many eulogies for his son (not necessarily appreciated):

"He didn't need to be great. Just alive."

from my published works:

“A classic latin phrase appearing in the Confiteor. Eight letters,” he reads out.

paint it over. i'm proud of this one because bruce says nothing himself but i love it as a context clue for the reader, that is in fact the defining piece of his characterisation in this work. from the same work i also enjoy dick's “how do you feel knowing that the monster that slit your son’s throat still roams free?” because it's so fun when characters utter statement of such significance without even knowing it.

and, lastly:

“I think,” Talia says, “that you are mad with grief.” “I’m alive.” “So you are. Does it make it hurt any less?”

i actually loved writing most of black out days dialogues. the main premise there is jason actually getting self-aware irt his self-mythologising so there is much more substance to what is said.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

my little theodore

my son was in kindergarten when he made these my goal was to let him build himself around me figure out what sparked his mind and desire for mastery let him spend his first six years in a free loving sunlight and I got him there even though the last few made it awful hard to shine all the time I did my best and he made it to school protected and adored and taught about himself by a mirror of positive regard and playful scolding both of us tease each other like we're rivals and we are on two completely different wavelengths often but my youngest challenges me like the others can't I've rarely met stubbornness that eclipses mine and this boy has it in spades and diamonds my theo will risk it all including his life to seek justice his rage is destructive and he would have done very well in the crusades judging by how often he pretends to train with various weapons and invented shields when there is a war he will be ready for it and I'll believe myself to be properly fortified and protected because that kid cannot let something go unless you describe it to him logically in a way that he is willing to accept and if my tone betrays my disrespect theo gives it right back to me amplified and he doesn't care at all if I'm upset except when I'm crying and then he hugs me and tells me like I told him it'll be all be okay somehow recognizing myself in one of his paintings I faced a truth I didn't want to know and it triggered me in an immense way that I didn't want to admit to we djinns are always getting ourselves into bottles when we think we're the message someone wanted yesterday we were shopping and my son says to me while holding up a lovely white laced dress "You could buy this and wear it when you marry the next guy." very randomly in a way that made me start coughing and nearly lose my composure in a fit of laughing or something there were way to many complex emotions to know how to respond to that out of nowhere I watched him observe me and my reaction shrewdly these kids catalogue them mentally them for future reference so when they need my warm and loving but inattentive attention they know for sure how to get it and keep it I looked into his eyes that have the brightest stars my daughter is starshine and my son is like the elusive moon and my youngest is the kinetic energy of a rebel sun his smile was mischievous like he knew more of the world than a six year old who adapted rather resourcefully to the idea his father and I were in the long process of divorce and his life would change to different houses and even I guess to the idea that there would be other partners and new people introduced to his life as important role models he knew his mother would fall in love again and even wanted to give her suggestions for the wedding that is so fucking much to unpack and I think I'm proud because it shows a deep trust in me and a love for my heart and an acceptance of uncertainty that I can't even manage though when you're a child your whole life is at the whims of others the second painting was inspired by Pete the Cat which out of all the characters my son tends to bring home isn't half bad for a portrait companion there's always been something about black cats that tend to follow me home the first two I found were at around his age I called them Special and Rainbow he calls the little puppy we got at build a bear Cute Cute so many circles and so many eyes and so many synchronicities it's nice not to feel so dizzy anymore which means I must be adjusting well myself when a tornado loves a volcano yeah, silly to expect anything but a wild ride

[boohoo-cracker]

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

[belethlegwen]

A Tale of Hobbies and Hammocks

Hello Today, I made a hammock. It's been a project of the last couple of days. I bought the materials on Sunday afternoon, and have been pouring over Nate Large's YouTube videos for how to make and rig an American Navy-style Hammock for quite some time. I initially found them through significant research I was doing for The Rescue and The Stranding and I learned a ton from Nate's videos. You may remember some time ago, I got myself a reference-Henry:

This guy is the full 8 inches Henry claims to be (Henry is only 7.2") but he's handy to have around. Since I got him he's been milling around on my desk for the most part, has come on a few purse adventures and so on, but I kept feeling bad that I didn't have a designated place for him to sleep. Well, a bed wasn't going to cut it. So, I reference again: Mr. Nate Large.

It started simply enough: I bought some fabric samples that resembled canvas enough, bought some D-rings because I figured they'd be easier to work with, needles, fancy thick thread, and came back to get to work. The first thing I did was start on the clews, and that required building a clew jig, as seen in this video. I am not a handiman by nature nor a particularly skilled or crafty creature in general, so I jimmy rigged something with a chunk of furniture board I had lying around from something:

On the first one the D-ring was too close the comb I was using as pegs, so it's adjusted in the second picture. Honestly I'm pretty proud of this McGuyver-level setup.

I didn't know how many loops I was going to be able to make for the clew with the measurements I had (again, nothing is completely precise just because I was going by rough estimates, eye-balling, and a general hit of a 10.4% scale of everything) so I kept this one pretty tight, which was difficult BUT it got the job done. Toothpicks for runners and thumbtacks as far as the eye can see.

The first completed clew, I had somehow missed literally the first loop but being as it was still functional, I kept it. If I had to scrap and start over at this point, I'd put the damn thing down and never pick it up again.

Second clew I went ahead and spread the loops out (there's 10 instead of 12 by the way, which I forgot to mention above). I hit all the loops this time on the finished product and am very very proud of having done both tiny weaves. Next step was the hammock. I took the white fabric I had, cut it twice as wide as I needed it because I wanted to try and replicate the thickness of the canvas I assumed would be used, and did the only stitch I know (needle go in, needle come out, needle go in again) to close up the open side and turn it inside out. I'm actually pretty proud of this especially because I only stabbed myself once! In the thigh, so it barely even counts.

I used a little hair flat-iron I never use to iron the fabric between stages. One thing I did NOT do was fold and sew the seams at the end, and that was literally because I realized that the measurements I had been using were for Canon-Henry, not Reference Henry. Canon-Henry is 10.4% scale, Reference-Henry is 11.6%, which is a pretty big difference when you're measuring the lengths of hammocks.

No I did not do grommets

I've never done grommets in my life and wasn't about to try and learn at nearly a 1/10th scale. I was crazy enough for doing THIS in the first place, I can ignore the need for awling and grommets and whatever else would've needed to happen for COMPLETE ACCURACY. Theater of the mind, friends. Anyway, I used the largest yarn darner that came in the pack I bought to poke 10 holes at equal intervals (1.4cm apart) along the sides, and then used the need to string the loops through the holes, and using a girth-knot on the first loop over my itty bitty rope, I slipped the rope through the rest of the loops until girth-knotting the end, and then: VOILA

ONE FULLY RIGGED CLEW

This was the first clew, so you can see in the second picture that one of the loops a little janky, but again: that's aesthetic problems. It's still very functional.

Second verse, same as the first until we get us:

TWO FULLY RIGGED CLEWS

Our hammock was now ready for testing, but I was too lazy to go get my ring-light stand to take proper pictures with, so the first demos were done with the use of the clew rigging board:

Henry in the hammock while slack, Henry in the hammock while tight. Snug as a bug in a rug.

Then, obviously, had to find a place to actually hang it. So: Over the storage-cubby in my desk, which I desperately need to clean out.

So that's the story of how I spent an excessive amount of time learning a very cool, neat set of skills at a very small scale just so I could flex a little.

Thanks for coming along on this journey of learning, and thanks again to Nate Large, whose name he will never know is so god damn on-point right now.

[asexualone]

Heya! Meg here! Your all-suportive aroace gal! And this is my story!!

I went through the classic transformation:

slightly homophobic → accepter → ally → queer af

I was the "I don't care as long as you don't show that to children" type of h0m0ph0bic

One of the last cases I remember myself posting homophobic comments was when the news of a possible Frozen 2 had started circulating around internet and almost everyone wanted Elsa to be a canon lesbian.

15 year old me was "worried about little kids". I commented something like, 'We can't do that. Kids have always been taught that the prince gets the princess. What if they ask questions?'

Unlike many haters nowadays, I had the good luck of encountering a kind lady, who saw my comment and patiently explained that kids can be taught everything, that diversity is a good thing and all. She didn't critize me, or use harsh words. If she had been rude to me, like allies are often to haters, I might have grown bitter and never discovered my true self. I'll never forget you, nice woman!

But, what truly transformed me into a raging ally was the #loveislove. I had seen the hashtag many times before. But one day, I saw it on a post and just kind of stared at it in awe. I remember thinking, "I'm an idiot. I'm a a-hole. Who do I think I am??? Hating people that are in love? Wanting to stop them from being in love?? Aren't I always going on about how love is the most sublime feeling and everything? How are queer people any different?"

After that, I educated myself. I started reading on LGBTQ+ community, learning things I never knew I never knew (reference intended) and becoming a true ally and supporter.

It didn't take much time after that to learn that I wasn't just an ally. I was part of the community, of this huge family that I had been protecting. My people, where I felt truly accepted and understood.

Finding out I was in the ace and aro spectrum was the biggest step towards accepting and cherishing myself for who I am. And I hope that I can be as much help to questioning kids as I want to be.

So yes, I'm aroace and proud! My pronouns are whatever you guys feel like calling me, even nor/mal. (In your face, haters)

I will not tolerate any type of hate or invalidation towards anyone. My blog is a safe space for everyone, no matter how "convoluted" your gender or orientation might be. Allos are pleaded not to be offended by my often hostile-looking posts. Just because I'm sex-repulsed, doesn't mean you're not valid. I love you all!

Welcome! 🏹♠💚💜🏳‍🌈

[alesreadings]

Loveless by Alice Oseman.

4.5 stars.

“Give your friendships the magic you would give a romance. Because they're just as important. Actually, for us, they're way more important.”

This is my first ace/aro book, so, it feels refreshing have a little bit of representation, even if it's not entirely like that (I felt it that way, tho, this is my case) for me. The review is from my POV on this, my feelings and reactions, ok? ok, thanks. Btw, if there's something that can be misunderstood, let me know and I'll change it. Georgia Warr has never been in love or kissed, and she's just 18. But she thinks she'll find a person some day. This is fine, actually, many people haven't had their first kiss in their teen years, and that's totally ok! Look at me, the next month I'll turn 23 and I've never kissed anyone. I used to think that THAT fact it was going to be the end of the world, since my friends were having romances at 15/16 y/o, having their first romantic relationship and their first kisses, and even sex. I had a lot of crushes at that age with many people, but I never thought it was important to have a relationship with someone. And that little fact was something to my ex classmates joke about like for 3/4 years. So, you can imagine how bad I felt for it. That bullying from my ex classmates generated on me a lot of insecurities, because they made me feel like I was a weirdo or a loser for not having kissed anyone by that time. I really believed that there was something wrong with me. At that age, we believe a lot of things that others tell us, so, I was naive and stupid for think that all of those things were true. In high school, had crushes too, but I never had a relationship because people only think in one thing (in my country, sadly is like that): sex. Back in my old school, I had a traumatic event that made me make sure about my sexuality, even if by that age I didn't know anything about it. So, in high school, I just had crushes, but didn't know what was that lack of sex desire toward the others. I never told this to anyone, because my ex "friends" really let me down making me believe that, indeed, I was a weirdo for not having pair or my first kiss yet. In the university, things changed. I made one year in History and I met the most beautiful and amazing girl on my French class. She's bi and her mind is so open and she's smart. I fell for her, we talked but I never confessed to her my feelings (yes, I'm a coward and I hate me for this). When I changed to my actual career, literature, I met one of my best friends. She's pan and once, while we talked with my other friends, she asked us who we fancied, I said: "no one", with fear believing that I was gonna be rejected or they were gonna laugh of me. My friend smiled at me and said "oh, you're asexual". I've heard that term before, but I didn't know what it meant, so I asked her if she could please explain me. She explained me a lot about the ace spectrums and I cried in front of my friends for two reasons: 1) they weren't judging me for haven't had a pair or my first kiss yet, and 2) because I finally had a name for my sexuality and I didn't feel entirely alone. My friends were and are very supportive with me and they mean the world to me. So, yes, I agree with that: friends mean a lot, even more when they're the correct ones. I've had a hard time accepting myself, I've struggled for years with myself, who I am and it's been a long process. I haven't come out to my family for many reasons, but mainly because they're very mind-closed and that scares me. I told my bestfriend (ex bestfriend by now) that I'm ace. And he laughed at me, when I explained him what it was asexuality, he said that it's an excuse for not having sex or pair before (he was in love with me and I rejected him like 6 years ago, lmao). That of course that made me feel like shit. But I realized that there's NOTHING wrong with me, that people will not always understand and that's ok, but I'm getting away from them. For years, I struggled so bad trying to accept me, to love me, because I had dark years when I hated me so much. I was in a dark place for so long, but when I finally accepted me for who I am, I naturally cried like a baby, but I felt proud of myself. It's a

big fucking step, but I'm no longer afraid of me. Yes, I'm still afraid of some people the whole time, but this is me trying. (please, get the taylor reference) This book having one of its main plots in friends touched me so bad. I wish I had those friends when I was 15 to 19 years, to encourage me, to support me and tell me that things were gonna be ok. I had found those friends now, and I look back to my old me and I don't feel pity or sadness anymore. Of course, I keep crying because I feel like I've waisted my life, or like future is uncertain and it scares me as fuck. But I'm proud of me, and no one can make me feel like I'm not worth it or like I'm weird. "My future still terrified me. But everything seemed a little brighter when my best friends were around." I still wanna fall in love, have a romantic relationship and feel those things, u know? Even if I feel like I won't gonna find someone who accepts me for who I am, and that shit is scaring. So, yes, I enjoyed this book, even if I wanted to kick Georgia so bad for many things and cry for others. Maybe nobody has told you this today, or you needed to read it/hear it, but: You are loved, you are valid, you are so fucking perfect the way you are. Never doubt about it. If you are struggling with so many things, take a break and breathe, take a deep breathe, cry, jump, laugh, do whatever you want, but you know what? You are gonna be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will, and when you look back, you will feel proud of yourself and you'll smile so bright like the sun. It's a bad moment, not a bad life. And yes, please, never forget this. And just like Bruno Mars said: 'cause, hey, you're amazing, just the way you are. :) Also, Pip's mom is my heroine. She lived in Colombia and Manuel in London, and when Manuel went to visit his grandma, they met and fell in love. And they moved to LonDON. OH MY FUCKING GOD, I NEED THAT, PLEASE, TAKE ME OUT OF THIS COUNTRY, I'M SOBBING. "The I am loveless mood has just gone." "Neither of us were alone in this." There was something that it seemed a little bit out of line there. Not all aces are sex-repulsed. Idk if I'm the only one who understood that. But there are other aces who are not sex-repulsed. It's not wrong tho, it just gave me that impression. Also, a mention for tmm gang, they're the best people i've ever met, i love them with my life and i'm very thankful for calling them my friends. :') guys, if you see this, you know who are you, demons and angels <3

[acommonloon]

TL;DR

What a delicious memorable night!

Except, I returned to the scene of a crime and got a last call beer and I'm a little disturbed I can't remember what it was. Let me think.

Oh that's right. I remember now.

____________________________________________________________

I remember hours before, going in The Raven, circling the bar before walking back out, not a single beer worth the time to drink it.

I remember darting across two busy lanes of traffic to see what The Ainsley was all about. It was the second venue to inhabit my much loved and missed Blue Grass Brewing Company, where I bought countless beers in past years. I never went in The Sullivan, it first followed BBC but, The Ainsley laudes itself as an upscale sports bar.

I nearly didn't go in. The building outside blinded me with unadorned white walls and...they took all the fucking windows out! Still, I had just braved rush hour on Frankfort Ave in 90deg heat so I pushed on. I was back outside in less than 5 seconds.

The inside was...where old white people go to die and maybe a few patrons at the bar had succumbed. The place reeked like a basement couch leaking generations of old man farts and the barely moving white heads scattered along the bar looked like moths fluttering their last against a hot window sill. I ran back across Frankfort.

Briefly I considered bailing. I could be home in under an hour where I've got beer worth drinking for days, weeks even. I'm no quitter though. I was parked in front of Street Grub and Hops, a bizarrely named venue I'd been in a few times since The Mellow Mushroom failed to survive in Louisville's over crowded pizza market.

I remembered they had 30+ taps behind their large U-shaped bar and I could see the whole side of the building was open to the sidewalk. Inside a band was setting up to play so I was assured in this place I wouldn't need mothballs to dispel the odour of human demise.

If my sense of failing mortality seemed unaccountably morbid on a bright Friday afternoon, in my defense, a new place next to Street Grub caught my eye. NSD Bar it said on the sign. What's that? Never Say Die Bar <shakes head>

I was met at the bar by a lively young man with a lush black beard and handlebar mustache. Thirsty? he asked. You've no idea.

He gesture towards the wall of taps and said let me know if you see something that piques your interest.

I chuckled and said that's a tall order. I spend too much time beer hunting.

He laughed then and said to which spelling are you referring?

My brain stuttered then I got the clever play on words he'd heard in my "tall order" reply, accidental for sure.

Which did you mean I countered, then I spelled peak or pique? The second one he smiled as he walked off.

<sigh> it was 5:10 already and I didn't know it but I'd just experienced the high point of my visit to Street Grub. In spite of their large list, only one beer piqued my interest and Austin, of the peaky facial hair, apologized when he discovered it was no longer on. My second choice, in spite of being a Stone Brewing offering, had no more character than the Miller Lite branded glass they brought it in. Worst of all, the fried pickles sucked. I should have remembered that because I'd had them there before.

I got back in my car with no particular plan. Then remembered a friend had mentioned the bar I had visited on Saturday had a Speakeasy room in the basement. <shrug>The Speakeasy theme has never interested me but such places often do high quality drinks and my recent visit to Gerties upstairs bore that out. They made me a Penicillin or two actually and they were terrific. I could do with another or two.

As soon as I walked in, the bartender greeted me with, "You're back!" I grinned back at him and said, "I heard you've a room in the basement." We do and he pointed around the bar to a door and said tell the bartender downstairs his Penicillin isn't as good as mine.

Recently, the guy that runs a nearby wine bar told me I was memorable. He said, "You make an impression." I wasn't sure he was complimenting me but I do appreciate it when the bartender remembers what drinks I like. I headed downstairs into the dark. It was really dark and I was worried I might trip as I shuffled toward the dimly lit bar. The bartender shouted a hearty welcome and then he said knowingly, "I bet you want a Penicillin!" WTF

I replied, "What, the guy upstairs rang down? No he shook his head. I was at a loss until he took pity on me. He said, "I was upstairs the other day when you asked for a classic Penicillin. I make up all the drinks here so I noticed. Oh right, I said but actually, you look very familiar. Where have you worked before. When he said Red Herring it sounded right but I couldn't remember where that was. As soon as he told me it was next to the Silver Dollar the memories flooded back and we fondly reminisced about the drinks and food there.

Soon I had a classic Penicillin in front of me and we began to talk drinks. We included the only other guy at the bar in our conversation. He was rail thing, wore a scarf on his head, and had a robust but not too pornish mustache. I suspected he was staff there at Gerties. He was clearly interested but not so experienced. For the next two hours I enjoyed the back and forth and drinks.

Chad is a professional bartender who loves his job. He loves making drinks and he loves talking to people. While we chatted, more than twenty people, in pairs and sometimes larger groups came downstairs, got drinks and eventually left. At one point I was sure Matt Gaetz sat down at a two top. I did a double-take to be sure the woman with him wasn't Marjorie Taylor Greene in a wig. It was hard for me not to stare but I kept stealing glances. Eventually I concluded this guy was what Gaetz would look like if he wasn't befouled by evil. A very good looking guy!

When he left, I asked if I was the only one who thought that? No one had noticed but, by that time, Terrence, a large black man who'd come down with two white friends was standing next to me. He'd been ordering drinks when the bar conversation turned to German food and he joined our conversation eagerly. After delivering drinks to his friends, he returned to talk. When I suggested the guy who'd just left looked like the American traitor Matt Gaetz, he said no way! He went on to say Gaetz was a POS and if it had been him there might have been trouble. Lol, now that would have been memorable.

Terrence left wishing Chad and myself a good day, remembering both our names. It turned out the guy with the scarf on his head was a sous chef at nearby Bar Vetti. OMG, I'd meaning to go there but I worried D wouldn't like it. I asked him if they would make her a pepperoni pizza. He said they had one but it had calabrian and peppadew peppers on it. Yeah, can you take those off. Um yeah?

I said I'd just go check it out myself for dinner after I finished the Negroni riff Chad had excitedly made up on the spot using a special dry vermouth and something that wasn't Campari. He referred to it as a white Negroni. It was delicious!

Bar Vetti was only about a hundred feet down the sidewalk from Gerties. I enjoyed the early evening as I walked, it was comfortably warm with a gentle breeze and for the first time in a long time, Nulu felt normal. People were sitting outside the Taj and the Mayan Cafe, the evening was alive with conversation, color, and movement. When I looked in the windows of the new swanky Marriott Hotel it was the same inside and there might not be room for me at the bar.

I walked past the unattended hostess stand into a storm of blaring conversation. I stopped in front of an empty seat but there was a drink there so I turned around to the other side. I asked a man in a suit if the empty seat next to him was taken. It's yours he answered without looking away from his companion. I sat and picked up the wine list.

On my left were three young men, obviously of southwest Asian heritage. Within seconds I understood they were native English speakers and they were having a good time. The youngest one was next to me and he seemed barely old enough to shave. He was rather louder than the others and seemed to be mildly complaining about something. The bartender came over to them and appeared to pick up a conversation she must have started before I got there. It was really more of a lecture and she was telling them that she couldn't spend all of her time in front of them as she and another bartender had a full bar.

I felt myself tense a little, wondering if there was going to be an altercation. I didn't look at the young men but watched the bartender closely. While her words were stern, her body language seemed relaxed. I heard the man furthest away from me say, "That's fair." The bartender didn't acknowledge his words. She poured me a water and I asked for a glass of wine. Then I turned to the men.

"Are you guys from here or visiting?" I could see them tense up the young guy on guard most of all. I went on as if I hadn't noticed and said, I overheard you say this was your kind of place a minute ago. This is my first visit here and it's a bit fancy for me. They relaxed. I felt sure they were expecting to be challenged and I might look just like the kind of old white asshole who would do that.

We're from California the young guy said but we live here and work at Rabbit Hole. Do you know it?

Of course I said, it's something the city can really be proud of. I've been over there in the bar many times and the facility is gorgeous. Cameron seemed near to burst with happiness. He said, "We're just about to have a drink, will you join us? I said, sure what are we drinking. Rabbit Hole he said, "We got to represent!"

From that moment on, I had a dinner companion who was overjoyed to talk to someone who knows about the Kentucky whiskey business. When I said, the marketing for Rabbit Hole is genius, Cameron threw his hand up and pointed at the man farthest from me. Justin is our marketing!

Justin said well, to be honest I've only been there for 3 years and Cameron replied, "He's being too modest. We've only been open for 4 years. I asked Cameron, are you a distiller? I was when I first started he said. My uncle is the founder and I've got a business degree so now I work the financials. Wow, I replied.

He said, you have to come over and ask for us! We'll give you an insider tour. I waived that off a bit and said, I'll be sure to come back over but your beautiful column still is out where I can see it when I go to the bar on the roof. Sometimes I just stand at the end of the hall by the elevators and admire it. He said, "OMG we never get to talk to anyone like you!"

We had a drink of their Heigold and I didn't have to pretend it was good. I said, "I'd drank their sourced whiskey before but this was the first time I'd had something they'd distilled themselves other than their gin. It tasted more mature than I'd expected and I said I'd likely pick up a bottle now that I'd had it. I will.

Soon, Cameron's girlfriend came in and sat next to Justin. Cameron pretended to be annoyed and she seemed maybe a little suspicious of me. Soon she was sitting next to Cameron and was telling me all his faults. It was bar buddies in the best form. I asked for the whiskey list and suggested I buy us all a drink. I was disappointed by the selection TBH. The owner is a well-known whiskey aficionado and his BBQ joint just a block away has a much bigger selection of whiskey. I noticed an Old Forester Single Barrel Rye on the list and suggested it.

I specified it be served in rocks glasses instead of glencairns and we clinked our glasses when everyone had their drink. It was candy in a glass and far too sweet to be anything I'd recognize as rye whiskey but my bar buddies claimed to like it so no harm done.

When their food came, I settled my check and Cameron again expressed his pleasure at our talk. He renewed his invite to come to the distillery and I walked back out into the night.

When I got back to my car I looked up and saw Akasha Brewing was still open with people sitting at tables outside. The street at this end was quiet and peaceful. I remembered my last visit to Akasha hadn't gone well at all. The server there had refused to give me a taste of a beer. I was shocked. I'd already bought and paid for one beer when I asked for a taste. I said I was trying to decide which of two others I'd take home in a growler.

She said it was their policy not to give out tastes because people sometimes asked for lots of tastes and didn't buy a beer. WTF I had already bought a beer! I was so annoyed I'd decided not to drink at Akasha until they changed their stupid policy. If they were going to treat me like their worst customer, I wasn't going to spend my money there. Still, one more beer would be nice. Then I saw what I wanted.

That's it. A strong Belgian golden ale is what I had there!

[smartzelda]

(Wow, I wish I could kill tumblr for messing up and making me rewrite this whole thing from scratch)

Hi, bros! I've gotten so much of crit done this week, so there's a LOT to talk about

Let's start out where we left off in Toy Box.

So like, the Riku and Buzz parallels are so good, like, the Buzz being afraid of being taken over and hurting his friends. Buzz being more skeptical of people, but trusting of his friends and just trusting Woody a whole lot. I love how he just trusts Sora, Donald, and Goofy by the end and they're friends and stuff

The Sora and Woody parallels are so good too, like, Woody trusting Sora and friends right away because they seem to be good guys, fighting the enemies (it's such a Sora thing to trust people just cause they seem good) and really trusting Buzz. Woody doing the angry sassy while talking to YMX/the organization

And bro, like...the Soriku parallels...the softness...

This has so many kh2 Soriku vibes

SAME PICTURE DIFFERENT ANGLE. YOU CAN'T TELL ME OTHERWISE.

*clears throat* Ahem, um...anyways... I was thinking about when YMX tosses Sora into the Verum Rex Gigas minigame. 1st off, I beat it a lot faster than I did my first play through the game on proud mode, so that's helpful. I'm glad that having done this before is helping me learn to be at least a little less stupid and do some things easier because of experience. 2nd, YMX's role in kh3 is very interesting. The hole time I get that he knows more than he's letting on. I feel like he, like Sora, can remember everything between the demon tornado, Riku's sacrifice, mass death, and Sora saving everyone's hearts before the timeline being rewritten and turned back to before everyone dies, and assuming the SRT holds up, he even seems to know the events of the first go around of timeline set before the kh3 we play. It's in the SRT too, but like, him saying "Not this time" and being able to dodge Sora's attacks like he already knows. Then there's YMX's line before the boss battle where he's like, "Find the hearts connected to yours." We could take it as him guiding Sora, getting him to find the seven guardians of light. I'm feeling like it might be foreshadowing or like YMX leading Sora to his end because it could be foreshadowing of remind (I mean, I won't know till I can play) or it's referring to the future of Sora saving all the hearts from the lich. Back to him knowing what's going on in the timelines somehow with that whole leading aspect, then there's during the lich segment where YMX is there somehow and tells Sora about how he'll pay the price, then YMX's "death" where he says that Sora's time in the world is over, indicating he knows what Sora's done and has to pay the price for

So, unlike the gigas thing that went surprisingly well, the possessed marionette and the flying saucer did not, and the flying saucer was the worst. I learned that, unlike in my proud run through, I couldn't just try to beat a gigas as just Sora that easily, considering a gigas could oneshot me (I kinda suck, so I honestly couldn't beat em at all without commanding a gigas myself on crit). So, it was very time consuming, considering I couldn't use a gigas to finish it off and shoot it from afar, and I had to evade all like four gigas and the scattered heartless (it was especially bad if I was about to die and needed to heal) while trying to attack it (needless to say, Donald and Goofy did most of the work in the final stretch while I was trying not to die and also attack the enemy that would warp away if you got too close). I did it though

Okay, final boss battle! Ngl, just...I enjoy the angry sassy of Woody when YMX is like, "See, look buzz fell to darkness blah blah" and Woody is like, "I don't care. Put buzz back the way he was." (Y'know, totally not a Sora attitude and totally not a parallel to CoM when Sora's telling Vexen "I don't care! Just put Riku back!") And YMX like talking about hearts and Woody like, "I don't think you've ever been loved before, because you know nothing about hearts and love." The final boss battle was easy compared to the other boss battles in Toy Box.

Also, I just...enjoy Buzz finally being friends with Sora, Donald, and Goofy and caring about and trusting them now

Now ownards to Corona!

So, starting in the forest just before getting to the tower, I opened a treasure chest with an item that gives sneeze protection (I got a shield for Goofy that does the same thing after I finished this world) which...I... Bro, I'm stupid I like didn't get this item my first run through nor did I know it existed, but playing through this world definitely was easier without sneezing Sora, especially the final boss (but we'll get to that later)

Gotta love that Flynn Rider charm.

"So, I've made the decision to trust you."

"A horrible decision, really."

Hi, I'm Flynn I hope you expect me to run away from battles and have Sora, Donald, and Goofy, who are totally my bodyguards, do all the work and make me look good Rider

Rapunzel after getting out of the tower and her enthusiasm is so Sora like, but ngl, I'd say she's a Riku parallel in this segment. Later in this world, they remark that the tower is a prison for Rapunzel. In this moment she has a lot of conflicting feelings.

"I'M SO FREE!"

"I'm such a terrible person..."

"This is so fun!"

"Oh, what would Mother think...? I should go back..."

"I'M NEVER GOING BACK!"

She's being pulled two ways. Part of her is excited to see the whole outside world and ready to live her dream, defying Mother Gothel, while the other part of her urges her to go back to her prison with Gothel where she'll be safe. This is much like in DDD with the Quasimodo and Riku parallel where Riku tells Quasi that it's not because of Frollo's rules or because Frollo said the outside world would harm him, it's because something in his heart holding him back. Most likely, it was from fear. In Riku's case, he said it from experience because he too is struggling with something where it's his heart holding him back, nothing else (probably his feelings for Sora are the thing he won't set free)

I like how kh3 is like, self aware or like, aware of the kh lore like when Donald and Goofy mention Data Sora, or in this case where Sora, Donald, and Goofy don't remember Marluxia because castle oblivion and he's like, "Such a pain. Whatever. It's not like you need to know." Kh3 shows that Nomura remembers the things he set up before.

Also, Goofy: "I think the 'has-been' prefers Marluxia" 😂😂😂

The heartless chariot was just as terrible and time consuming as always because of how much I died.

I did surprisingly well at the dancing section compared to past attempts, so that was cool. Rapunzel and Sora are just so adorable though and Rapunzel with the flowers in her hair is just😔👌

Okay, I like, I love the lantern scene because it's just so beautiful. Like, I just love those shots of all the lanterns and of Flynn and Rapunzel and of Sora, Donald, and Goofy watching them. Also...Flynn lowkey being given the choice between Rapunzel and the crown and basically choosing her

"I should've given it to you before, but I was just scared."

"I'm starting to." And Flynn pushes the satchel away, focusing on Rapunzel, choosing her.

Also, thinking that this part is a parallel to Riku in the RoD because Riku got the strength to protect the one he cherishes most (Sora) and now he's not afraid anymore, even in the RoD. He feels stronger and more confident. For Rapunzel, after spending time with Flynn and traveling, she's not afraid of the world anymore and she becomes more confident. She trusts Flynn and gives him the satchel (which in the movie I believe she originally withheld and hid out of fear of him going back on their promise)

So, then, Flynn and Rapunzel release their lanterns into the sky, and they twirl around each other as they fly up

Seem familiar? It's almost like...

HEARTS IN TUNE BAY BEE

SORIKU PARALLELS

Also, rip Sora, Donald, and Goofy. They just wanted to watch the scenery, but got interrupted by nobodies

Bro, it's really sad, like, I feel so sad for Rapunzel because she really trusted Flynn and Mother Gothel framed Flynn, breaking Rapunzel's heart because she thought it was all genuine, that Flynn really wasn't going to hurt her and meant the things he said. Then, Gothel takes her to the tower

Sora still being able to be awoken from a lick to the face from an animal like in kh1😂

In my first run through of the game, I got to this part with all the heartless and nobodies on the way to the tower and the section between everyone starting off towards the castle and reaching the castle I tried to go through as fast as possible and skipped fighting the heartless and nobodies I could. This time, I managed to clear the whole area after making it my goal for leveling up purposes, so that was cool👍

And now we reach the tower cutscenes and a very niiiiiiice Soriku parallel, which I'll have to put in the next post due to the photo limit

[bobasheebaby]

70 Scrubs Prompts

Yup, another prompt list. Most of these are actually light and funny, though some are a little heavier. I tried to pick ones that would work outside of a hospital setting. Again it’s super long so cutting at 15. 

1 “And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true? Just this once ... “ — John JD Dorian

2 “Look NAME, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. I never really believed I’d find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. NAME, I love you more than FRIEND.” “Oh my god” “It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true.” — John JD Dorian and Elliot Reid

3 “I grew up on the street ... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.” — John JD Dorian

4 “As I looked at all the relationships around me ... Some that had gone on forever ... some that were reigniting ... and some that had just begun ... I realized something: It should have been me.” — John JD Dorian

5 “NAME, you can’t test love. When I met NAME, it seemed he/she was more in love with his/her best friend than with me.” “Honey, they’ve got that almond biscotti FRIEND loves, so I was wondering if I could borrow some money so I can get him/her some.” “No, you got him/her a present yesterday.” — Carla and Turk

6 “You’ve been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'NAME'.

— Perry Cox

7 “I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.” “I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.” “Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.” “OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.” — Carla and Turk

8 “So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother/sister?” “Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.” “So call and change it to three.” “Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.” — Elliot Reid and John JD Dorian

9 “Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy.” — Bob Kelso

10 “Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.” — Elliot Reid

11 “I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.” — Perry Cox

12 “Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!” — Perry Cox

13 “So he/she has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.” “You should bring it in someday.” — John JD Dorian & Carla Espinosa

14 “The problem with people who only want what they can’t have is that once they have what they want, they don’t want it anymore.” — John JD Dorian

15 “I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make ’em happy.” —John JD Dorian

16 “The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person” — John JD Dorian

17 “‘Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.“ — John JD Dorian

18 “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.” — John JD Dorian

19 “Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” — John JD Dorian

20 “Sex is only good for two things. Making babies and revenge.” — Jordan Sullivan

21 “What's going on?” “I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.” “NAME’s on the phone with his/her mom/dad/parent, so we're taking five.” — Jordan Sullivan, Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

22 “By the way, NAME’s here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.” “Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".” “Oh really? That came through?” — JD and Elliot

23 “You're gonna love it here, sport.” “Get out while you still can.” “Uh...” “Seriously, get out while you still can.” — Bob Kelso, Ted Buckland, and Keith Dudemeister

24 “Ted, what are you doing?” “I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.” “Ted, lunch was four hours ago.” “Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.” “It's Wednesday.” “Aw, man! I missed SHOW!” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

25 “Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.” “No one male or female ever cared, NAME.” — Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

26 “Thirsty, huh?” “Helps the tears taste less bitter.” “Cheers.” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

27 “I have to get ready man. I want my date with NAME to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?” “Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.” “Yeah but except this time with two horses.” — John JD Dorian and Turk

28 “I am wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?” “She's pregnant, she's not a bull.” — Elliot Reid and Turk

29 “This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.” — Turk

30 [She/he sees NAME holding a beer] “What are you doing? [He/she threatens to open it] “You better not open that.” [He/she opens it] “Okay, you better not drink it.” [He/she takes a sip] “All right, You better not enjoy it.” [He/she expresses enjoyment, person A bitch slaps his/her beer] “Did you just bitch slap my beer?” “Are you calling me a bitch?” “Yes. Yes, I am!” — Carla and Turk

31 “Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?” “Okay, let it out. I've got you. NAME has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.” — Turk and JD

32 person a “This plan is fool proof.” Person c “That is impossible. You two are involved.” Person c “We will see about that!” [Person a and c crash into each other as they try to walk away] — JD, Perry Cox and Turk

33 person a “I don't think we have anymore wine. NAME, can I have some of yours?” [Person C’s narration: I felt like NAME was starting to blame me for all of this.] [person b Spills his/ her wine in person c’s face) “I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some NAME’s.” [Person C Spills his/her wine on his/her crotch] “I spilled mine too.” — Carla, Turk and JD

34 “Wait NAME! I have an idea.” “You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with your ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?”  “It's a good one.” “I'm listening.” — JD and Turk

35 “He/she is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.” “Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, he/she was skinless.” — Carla and Turk

36 “How often do you make love?” “Twice today.” “Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.” “Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.” — Marston, Turk and Carla

37 “How was your first stress-free day?” “Horrible. And you?” “Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.” “Not helping with the stress.” — Carla and Turk

38 “Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.” “Oh, that's Nana.” — Turk and JD

39 “Are you nude right now?” “Yeah! How'd you know?” “Your voice is always higher when you're nude.” “That's true.” “It's not weird you know that at all.” —JD, Turk and Perry Cox

40 “You know, I actually like NAME. So, don't do that thing you always do.” “If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with NAME anymore.” [Later] “Behind your ear.” [Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear] “My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell NAME we're still playing.”— Elliot Reid, JD and Turk

41 “Dude, he/she keeps a hug schedule with his/her friends!” “Okay, NAME ... looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?” Person B Narration: He's hurting! Hug him/her ... hug him/her now! — Turk and JD

42 “Dude, don't sweat it - It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.” “Thank God!” “It also says their kick can kill a man!” — Turk and JD

43 “Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.” — Elliot Reid

44 “NAME, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.” — Elliot Reid

45 “We have a very complicated past.” “Yeah, I hurt him/her, and I'm not proud.” Person B narration: I'm a little proud. — Elliot and JD

46 “NAME and I keep it superficial.” “Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!” “Oh thanks buddy!” “Sparkly.” “Yeah!” — Elliot and JD

47 “Will you tell me what NAME’s fantasy was?” “Nope.” “Did it involve chains?” “No.” “Whips?” “Mm-mm.” “Candle wax?” “No.” “Role-playing?” “No.” “Lasers?” “Mm-mm.” “Hamsters?” “Negative.” “Was he/she a Mexican apple thief?” “If only ...” — JD and Elliot

48 “Why don't you just move into my place?” “Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.” — Elliot and JD

49 “NAME, what you said before ... I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.” “NAME, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.”

— Elliot and JD

50 Person A “Ohhh, my God, you're right.” Person B “Don't let him/her be your puppet-master.” Person C “Hey!” Person B “Hey.” Person C “What's up?” Person B “I have a headache.” Person C “Take some aspirin.” Person B “Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!” — Carla, Elliot and Jake

51 “I've never connected with a guy/girl like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know NAME better than I know myself.” “What does he/she do for a living?” “I should know that.” — Elliot and Carla

52 “Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?” “Well, you...you could have just told me that.” “Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!” — Elliot and Jake

53 “I've seen the Wiggles live in concert ... twice.” “Did they perform 'Big Red Car'?” “They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.” — Perry Cox and Turk

54 “What's wrong with me?” “You're an annoying, whining man-child.” “That question wasn't directed to you!” “What question?” — JD and Perry Cox

55 “I’m notifying all my old boyfriends/girlfriends today that I'm officially off the market.” “I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!” — Elliot Reid and Perry Cox

56 “If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.” “I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.” — Bob Kelso and Perry Cox

57 “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man/Woman Not Caring.” [points to self] — Perry Cox

58 “If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.” — Perry Cox

59 “Should I talk slower or get a nurse that speaks fluent moron?” — Perry Cox

60 “Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?” — Perry Cox

61 [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? — JD

62 “And you know what else? I quit!” “No you don't!” “Well I'm leaving early today!” “No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!” “Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!” “Whatever.” — Ted Buckland and Bob Kelso

63 “Your dog is creepy.” “Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.” — Elliot and JD

64 “I thought we cared about each other ...” “Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.” “Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!” “Do me right here.” “Okay.” “See!” — JD and Elliot

65 “Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!” “Oh, come on, NAME. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.” “Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.” “You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.” — Elliot and JD

66 “You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.” “Me too.” “God, you drive me crazy.” “Oh, you drive me crazy!” “Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.” “Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you..” — Paul and Elliot

67 “Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.” “You know, NAME, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.” “Yeah ... never gonna happen.” — Elliot and Paul

68 “You know, it's funny... when I said "I love you," it was an accident - and I never really loved you at all.” “That is an absolute riot.” — Elliot and Paul

69 “Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.” “Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?” “You're right. Go ahead.” “If you could just start me off, that'd be super.” — Paul and Elliot

70 Person A “You never explained that U2 thing, did you!” Person B “You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" - which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.” Person A and B “That girl is poison..." Person A “NAME, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen... naturally.” Person B “You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that! I'm gonna tell him.” Person C “Love you!” Person B “Love you more!” Person A “Ugh!” Person B “You know what - brush your teeth, then judge me!” — Carla, Elliot and Paul

[newbabyfly]

It's Pride. And discussions on Discord have prompted me to finally say this out loud, after wanting to for some time. I haven't before now since it just feels really weird coming to terms with the fact that you're nonbinary/genderfluid at the age of 38.

Growing up roman catholic in the 80s and I suppose fairly sheltered, I didn't even realize gays/lesbians existed until high school. Even terms like ace, pan, aro, nonbinary, gender fluid and such weren't even in my vocabulary until well into my adult life. I just knew as a child, I hated being a girl. I always referred to myself as a tomboy. At the time I chalked it up to "boys get to do the cooler stuff, fuck all these dolls and princesses and dresses." By high school, I tried my best to look androgynous. My angst-ridden teenage years chalked this up to rebellion and a desire to assert that "I'm not like all these other girls" at my all-girls' high school. By college, I was mostly ok with being a girl. Dated a few girls even and just chalked it up to maybe I'm just bi. (Which I now now define myself as panromantic vs pansexual now that I have these terms available.)  But I accepted being a girl, fell in love with a straight man, married and had a kid with him. I love this kid with all my heart and there were some kinda fun things about pregnancy but mostly it made me feel like a freak of nature. For a very natural thing. I never got how my female friends loved being pregnant.  But my life was settled, all was good and stable, there wasn't a need to worry about these things anymore because they don't matter anymore, right?

Except... They still kinda do? I've always been so, so SO damned happy with every win for the LGBTQA+ community. I just wanted to be a good ally. I still didn't really see myself as part of it though. I guess I thought I wasn't 'qualified' enough to be considered one. Dating a girl once or twice many years ago was just normal experimentation. But little things started to click into place the more I learned about the community. Why I loved having an androgynous name. Why I hated pregnancy and preferred sports bras that flattened out my chest. Why I'd always get the HUGEST smile and happiness whenever a stranger called me 'sir' or 'he' and why I refused to recognize my favorite childhood stuffed bunny as a girl. (You have no idea how many time I tried to hide his damned dress and even stole boy's clothes from one of my brother's stuffed animals.) So many little things clicking into place.

For the record, I'm totally fine these days being seen and addressed as a girl. There's a lot of good things about being a girl that I'm proud of. But I was right the whole time in that I'm not like other girls. Because I'm neither. And it feels good to finally know that.

(And just fyi, I don't care what pronouns you use for me at all, any of them are fine!) :)

Happy Pride Guys!

[heather-lee-health]

tilt table test

August 30

Guys, I have neurocardiogenic syncope.

Dr. Kshatriya's diagnosis was confirmed by the tilt table test.

For those of you unfamiliar with the tilt table test, they strap you to a table and the tilt the table up until you are standing in a vertical position, and they monitor your heart rate (by EKG) and blood pressure for 15 - 20 minutes or until you pass out. This test is used to confirm diagnosis of dysautonomia and syncope and to assess the severity of the condition.

I showed orthostatic intolerance pretty much straightaway - my blood pressure began to drop and my heart rate began to rise as soon as they tilted me up. I passed out after 9 min. When I passed out, my blood pressure dropped so low, the machine was no longer able to detect it at all, and my doctor wasn't able to find a pulse (because my blood pressure was too low to pick up a pulse manually - my heart was still beating, you guys - don't worry). My heart rate dropped from the 120s (I believe) to the 60s.

Basically, what this means is that my body can't regulate my blood pressure or heart rate properly when standing, sitting for too long, experiencing strong emotion, or experiencing other forms of stress, and if I don't make adjustments, such as lying down, I will pass out. I'm pretty good at listening to my body and making quick adjustments to prevent feeling woozy (I'm very intuitive about what my body needs most of the time, even if I don't cognitively know why), so despite the fact that Dr. Kshatriya says my condition is severe, I've never passed out before the test. But what this means is that I've been spending all day, every day trying to regulate my blood pressure by staying supine, resting continuously, not standing still, not remaining fully upright longer than a few minutes, squatting, sitting on the floor, getting up very slowly, using a wheelchair, etc, etc, to prevent syncope (fainting), and "not having a blood pressure" (as my adorable, super-smart, totally amazing cardiologist says) exhausts my body. Dr. Kshatriya says I've likely has this condition since I was a teenager, to some degree of severity or another.

Neurocardiogenic syncope could explain many, if not all of my symptoms, so we'll treat the syncope for a while and see what symptoms are left.

If there's more to investigate at that point, we will have the advantage of having weeded out the symptoms caused by neurocardiogenic syncope, and it'll be that much easier to keep moving forward.

For now, Dr. Kshatriya (pronounced sha-tree-yah, k is silent) has started me on a medication that constricts the blood vessels in my legs and is having me increase my daily salt intake to 4 - 8 grams by means of diet and salt tablets to increase my blood volume. I also have to be sure to drink at least 80 - 100 oz of water a day.

I am so thrilled.

I have a diagnosis.

I have a treatment plan.

And you guys... It didn't take long to get it. Once I switched primary care physicians. Just about 2 months. After almost 5 years of increasing debilitation, it only took 2 months to get a proper diagnosis once I began seeing a good doctor who referred me to good specialist.

And I may have other underlying conditions that we will need to look into in a few months (or not! We'll see!), but that's not the point.

The point is:

If you have concerns about your health and your primary care doctor is not responsive, dismisses your concerns, or tries to diagnose/treat you without testing, please, PLEASE find yourself a doctor who cares, like Dr. Clouse and Dr. Kshatriya. Please for the love of cute, innocent puppies.

Because it turns out, not having a blood pressure is very dangerous. And my previous doctor could have taken me as seriously as my condition warranted, but he didn't. Dr. Clouse did, and now I'm receiving treatment.

Okay, now that you understand how serious I am about you deserving proper testing, diagnosis, and care, let's get back to the excitement.

I'M

SO

EXCITED.

Very, very, very happy. And relieved. I feel validated and vindicated. And I'm so, so proud of myself. I can't even fully articulate why. But I'm very happy and very proud and so grateful for my family and friends and wonderful doctors.

And before I end my incredibly long post, I want to give a special shout-out to the amazing nurses who cared for me this week: Cassie, Dena, Tori, Taylor, and Chelsea (and Laura, who I haven't talked to this week, but who is my primary care physician's medical assistant and is also amazing and deserves acknowledgement). You have shown me compassion and empathy and humor and validation and confidence and just... normalcy. NURSES ARE INCREDIBLE.

Okay, as always, I'll continue to update as I progress. Until next time ~

Love and peace!

[real-starkinder]

Have a Drink for me, I am Dry for Lent

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Friends & Colleagues & Strangers on the Internet. I decided to not drink any alcohol for this year's Lent, but Skal, Cheers & Slainte' to Ya! Having Irish heritage has always made me feel proud. This week, it's been sunny. Despite us having so little, right now & the struggle that My Love and I are going through... I am feeling pretty confident that we will be just fine. Successful, even. If we all don't explode, that is...

Last week, I talked about being a mess ( I also said, 'who doesn't?') yet, How Dare I? I am so sympathetic, but also inspired by the People of Ukraine. I have watched videos of girls bravely walking around, displaying what happened in their city & what they're going through. Musicians giving people something to help keep them relaxed, I'm sure.. distracted, perhaps?.. I love Musicians so much. There are so many bravely surviving this, which has given me a lot to think about. What were to happen if this had happened in your neighborhood?

Last year - I learned a lot about the importance of relationships. I didn't know, but I was taking them for granted... It is comfortable to me, to keep people at arms length... Usually, I end up ghosting someone because of some kind of reaction or behavior I had that they don't understand. I have had a difficult time expressing my emotions... growing up, my own Mother called me a Monster Child. I have been told that I'm weird or difficult to be around... I've heard a lot of hateful things from the people who I loved and loved me.

Now, I just push people away or I'll keep the friendship very casual. If I really like someone, it's like a day at the beach and I just want to run straight into the Ocean of Friendship - It's not something I would consider healthy about my personality, so I'm trying to figure it out. I want to change, so much... I don't want to be hated for who I truly am. I don't want to care what people think about me, anymore...

There are two women that will always hold a special place in my heart & they both ought to know who they are without me needing to even say their names. Gods, I LOVE these two women. It sucks that we all live so far apart from each other.. Good thing for Technology!

Thanks to the Internet, I'm able to connect with new people too and I'm glad we've met, if we have. Right now, I'm designing a new original character for the story I'm building and it feels sooo good. I base most if not all of my characters on real people and the person this one references has such a kind heart. She's always silently had my back. Wish we lived closer..

There is also the Love of my Life - The Man I'm going to Marry - My Best Friend in the World. He's my Rock, Shield, & Man with an Axe. He's also a gentle giant, guys. He makes friends with small animals, the most, hehe. This is our 7th year as a couple & we have plans to get married in our old stomping grounds in July. Going to have a simple Picnic in the Park style of Wedding & I'll probably Cater the event, myself!

Sigh...

It feels good to feel better about myself, this week. I am really excited to blog again. My Ego is very fragile right now. It feels healthy to be doing this for myself. I have spent too much of my life in Self Doubt.. I hit the backspace button too much! Always revising my sentences... keeping hoards of drawings and ideas to myself, scared to show it to the world, because "it's not ready."

There still has not been a word on my start date for the new job.. Trying not to bite my nails about it and remain hopeful. I've been taking advantage of the time at home, between jobs, to get spring cleaning finished. My Love and I are stable and comfortable - our Bills are caught up and we are not starving. It's important to be saving as much money as we can, right now. We can't afford a human family right now, so we have cats. Overall - I am very Blessed and for the most part, Happy.

I still think that despite what's going on right now, we are going to have an amazing future. That's all I have today - Later