#guys help im too attatched

[bloodsoaked-rainbows]

it will happen again 😔😔😔

[ukiyoq34]

texts with genshin gang

I’m not doing that whole text pic thing cus I’m lazy but I wanted to do this cus man some people make these guys get so out of character when it comes to this typa stuff

synopsis; asking them for the homework/copy their homework / reader has no pronouns or any specific gender/ can be seen either platonic or romantic whatever you feel like/ paring Xiao, scara, Kazuha, heizou, Tartaglia, and Lyney

-Scara/wanderer

“Bro I need your help”

*read*

“??? bro help”

*read*

“answer i know ur ass is there”

“tf you want now”

“I need help with hw”

“no”

“boy 💀”

*read*

-Heizou

“bro can you help me real quick?”

“sure”

“i didn’t do the homework I need help”

“u sure you need help or do you just wanna copy?”

“is copy and option”

“nah😂”

“Js Help me dawg 😭🙏”

“Lmao get on call and I’ll help you”

“thanks dawg 😘”

“smh wish that kiss was real😒”

“GET OUT!!🤬🗣️”

-Xiao

“Xiao”

“yeah”

“can I copy your homework please🙏🙏🙏”

“I’ll help you but I won’t let you copy”

“WHY?? PLEASE BRO I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT 😭😭”

“you have a lot of time I know you do”

“😒😒😒”

“it’s easy dw”

“do I get a kiss if I finish it”

“No??”

“just say you want me dead💔💔”

“😐”

-Childe/Tartaglia

“bro can you send me the hw”

“girl.. WHAT??”

“WDYM WHAT?? DID U NOT DO IT?? 😭”

“I HAD PRACTICE IM THE LAST PERSON YOUSHOULD BE ASKING 😭😭”

“oh my GOD”

“girl don’t give me that attitude 😒😒”

“who is this DIVA”

-Kazuha

“Kazuhakazuhakauzhakauhzhshajakuh”

“yes??”

“did you do the homework”

“yes I did”

“can I PLEASE PLEASE copy your work”

“did you procrastinate it again?”

“yes😓���”

“alright but try not to make this a habit okay?”

“I know I’m sorry 😢😢 but thanks 🙏🙏🙏🙏”

“Np👍”

-Lyney

“Lyneyyyyyyyyy yayyayag”

“Yeah??”

“Did you do the r homework???”

“yes I did do you need to copy”

“YES 😭🙏”

“here 😘😘”

*attatchment 4 images* “You’re a real one THANK YOU🙏🙏”

“Love you too 😘🤑”

“Love the confidence you have!! Keep it up!”

“☹️”

[cutely-inserts-my-opinion]

As embarrassing as it is to say, Lunar's arc actually helped me realize a lot about myself.

I have always loved Lunar from the very start because I, too, have always been the kind of person to mask any complicated or "bad" feelings via acting childish and silly. I saw myself in Lunar and I was super attatched to them.

But I also like never realized their patterns of selfishness until someone in my inbox rambled about it!! I knew Lunar wasn't an entirely perfect being, but it never occured to me that Lunar wasn't doing themselves any favors by outright ignoring their trauma so they can constantly mask and keep this faux-safeness feeling that was actually making people feel unsure and uneasy around them.

This was especially drilled home after I found old messages where I said some things that very much reminded me of Lunar's accidental "yea i killed a guy in front of you but u see, im deeply traumatized and this is effecting ME so I'm gunna sit around and try to get pity instead of understanding your feelings" which was. wild LMAO.

So. Uh. Thank you to this random youtube roleplay character who accidentally dredged up 1 million things about me that I didn't even know was wrong, this is probably for the better LOL

aww, I'm so glad his character could help you realize things about yourself!!

God I love hearing about how the show made your guys's lives better, its heartwarming

[jksnrabbit]

Hi, I have several questions about Johnny B Close/Jonathan Foster, don’t feel like you have to respond any of to them.

What type of person did Johnny become post trial? Like Nick became Narcolas because of how much he looked up to his father, in both timelines so how did being raised by Jodie affect him?

When Jodie became a demon did Johnathan embrace it like Nicky did and also did he get his memories back like Nicky did?

What was Johnny doing during the Watermice saga into the battle of the bands? and did he go into that fighting ring in the bull e. wugs with Nick?

and lastly thank you for making this guy I also refuse to believe all the doodlers (other than lark and sparrow) are only children.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE QUESTIONS I LOVE YOU ANON

sorry if the responses are too long i <3 rambling about johnny

ALSO YEAH . NO WAY BETWEEN 4 DADS THEY EACH ONLY HAVE ONE KID (again, minus the oaks, but theyre twins thats like the same kid twice). and like i know that henry was originally going to have a daughter, but theyre cowards for not going thru with it

everything answered under the cut :]

1) post trial, johnny becomes johnathan d. foster [the d for dee, jodie's mom]. instead of johnny's black denim jacket, he's got a brown corduroy one, plus a polo shirt, no hoodie. and timbs instead of combat boots lmao

in the original timeline, johnny loses morgan and has since then become very protective over nick and overall very anxious. since johnathan still has morgan, he's much more lax and honestly, a bit more distant towards nicholas, like in the sense of an older sibling not wanting to hang out with a younger sibling. [as a youngest sibling i 100% get nicholas getting way too attatched to a parent as a result]

in relation to jodie, he's pretty much just a cop's son. which is to say, a stick in the mud, but not to the degree of tattletailing 'um actually 🤓' that nicholas is.

he's less of a bassist and more of a pianist in this timeline, and has the free time that johnny doesnt to take up hobbies like photography or pottery [if johnny had the time and resources i think he'd love photography]

i have a scene in my head about when glenn is threatening jodie during the meth bay prison riots, that part where he pins him to a wall; johnathan would be the kind of guy to tackle glenn from behind to get him off his dad then IMMEDIATELY cry for help upon realizing he cant fight a 50 yr old prisoner

2) yes, he also got his memories of being johnny back when he becomes a demon. nicky embraces being a demon much quicker than he does, but he gets there eventually.

im still debating on this in my own mind, but the scene where nicky stops jodie and glenn from fighting; john would be right there beside him, but i think they would split ways. nicky goes to hell with jodie, but i think the part of johnny that resides in john still hurts for glenn, and recognizes the pattern of destruction he would inevitably fall into, so he'd stay with glenn. of course, he has no idea how to interact with him as johnathan hated him, but he tries.

i think he would be numb when glenn dies. too many emotions, too similar to when morgan died, yet he doesnt see him as his own father, yet he does- its too much for him so he just mentally clocks out for a hot minute i think

he'd also have a very strained relationship with nick jr. how do you cope with your ex dad having a rat named after your brother.

3) ok funnily enough, i think johnny was the opening act before the red brands and the watermice battle, but not as a band. i think he was thrown up there to stall for time as henry, ron, and darryl seduced the rival band, and he ended up doing bad stand-up. think john mulaney's salt and pepper diner story, but from someone with no experience in public speaking. he basically just retells a story of him and nick goofin around. he recieves very stilted applause.

at bull e. wugs, glenn definitely pitches the idea of putting him in the ring as he has an 8 yr advantage on them, but he fervently denies as he doesnt want to fight a kid. that is to say, he is a Close Boy at heart, so instead he goes around the restaurant, swaying the people's bets, ensuring the maximum amount of winnings for him, glenn, and nick in the end

of course this is all to say - i'm not the best at character writing and cant write fanfic for shit, but i do love johnny, so anyone feel free to ask me more about him [+ my other dndads ocs that i need to draw😭😭]

[okkos-ferrum]

Hot take maybe but like i feel the vile crew are a much more fun, dare i say, dynamic of a dynamic.

Like dont get me wrong i think zack and ivy are a fun duo that contrast carmen's badasssery with player acting as intel and shadowsan as a stoic support

But antonio, jean-paul, gray, and sheena (mime bomb too ig??) played off carmen better. (Tho to clarify not at all saying the writers shouldve had carmen hang around vile instead, they def were all bad influences on one another due to vile)

Like to me, cuz carmen is the mainly hyper-competant moral good of team red, she somewhat stands alone for it. Player is highly specialized, while idk what zack and ivy contribute specific to the team aside from extra manpower. Shadowsan may rival carmen in skill, but he has his own mistakes he's working to fix, so he's in no moral place to argue against her. As much as team red is filled with good wholesome family moments, carmen still feels kinda treated as the leader, and thus, seperate from the group. I wish sometimes there would be a conflict (no im not including the s2 conflict with the car and stuff idk that one was too inconsequential to me) between team red splitting hairs on how to approach a problem. Itd add some variety to each specific relationship carmen has with each rather than a generic friendly terms

The vile crew works as a more entertaining group cuz there are actual unique dynamics carmen has with each of the group members, as well as the group members themselves having unique relationships with each other. For the first point, cuz everyone is on the level playing field of some kind of competant thief, its not like carmen has the immediate, no-questions-asked role as the leader. Theres more of an underlying feeling she had to make a good impression aside from her skills to gain their respect, which to me is more realistic than zack and ivy suddenly attatching themselves to a then dismissive but skilled carmen during the boston caper. Like as contrived sheena just being a hater to carmen is, theres still something interesting abt her still tagging along with carmen as a reluctant friend/rival. As such, it challenges carmen to show a different side to her, like her constant need to prove herself, to the forefront, which in turn, helps also flesh carmen out more. In comparison, antonio is quite the opposite, being literally so nice to everyone regardless, which also makes him stick out (like for example, in the cs interactive game, he will readily help carmen out if u choose him to be an ally)

Each character in the vile crew have also unique groups. Unlike one blob of general friendliness like team red (aside from the over it dad energy from shadowsan lol), we see that antonio and jean-paul have a closer friendship within the group, similar to how carmen and gray also have a closer bond. Tell me the unique relationship zack has with player that is different from how anyone else treats player? Like its not much.

Theres def more banter within the vile crew as well, with sheena always being the sour one of the group. Moreover, there is the group collectively finding mime bomb to be the "weird guy in class" that is so endearing to me. They all challenge each other, like how they all judge gray's pun vile name, or how they sometimes make fun of sheena during their first mission. Yet admist all that, they still care and enjoy their company together, as seen with them still reminiscing the water balloon prank in season 4 or how antonio and jean paul are relectant to fight carmen the first time they see her again.

Idk i find it so funny how the show was able to make the vile operatives so endearing as characters, especially in comparison to tesm red whos a bit lacking

[gagsolineoilrefinery]

brian headcanons? pretty please

Smiles so big and wide at you yes absolutely I love that little freak

putting under a read more for convenience's sake

- I'm 100% a Bug Brian truther, that man is an insect you can't convince me otherwise, I like to think he can make weird little chittering noises and climbs up walls with his hands and feet for enrichment

- He's trans and has no last name because he didn't care enough to pick a new one so he went with none, acts all mysterious about it because he thinks it makes him look cool

- This man needs glasses so fucking badly but after a litany of "nerd" comments growing up he refuses to wear them, has attempted contacts but cant get them in his eyes for the life of him

- He would genuinely rather die than go to the factory, he does all his needed repairs on himself unless he's forced to (usually by Ben or William)

- He gets along with his co workers in, his own way when he's forced to interact with them. He does not understand how to behave "appropriately" around other people, he's my favorite rude autism icon (he is going to insult your intelligence at any given opportunity with what he sees as good intentions and does not understand why everyone hates him)

- I'm also a Bellthinker truther I think that british man should kiss that bug right on the brain dome and make him so flustered his systems soft reset

- Every time theres a meeting that he's in the second he's at the front of the room the entire mood changes because everybody knows he's gonna have a whole presentation planned thats no less than 1 hour long, and he will yell at you if you try to stand up for any reason

- I like to think living in the heart of toontown (right in the playground no less) definitely has some side effects on him, the silliness is rubbing off on him more than he realizes, most obviously things like his brain exploding comically when he starts baby raging

- Im sorry this man is absolutely a cog reddit user (coggit? idk) you can't change my mind, hes a power mod and proud of it, keeps getting talked to for using it on company time though

- He's very attatched to the Desk Jockeys but absolutely hates to admit it, I like to think its a Dr. Robotnik with Scratch and Grounder type dynamic (thinking especially like that one scene where Robotnik says "I don't even know why I bother to repair you guys, I suppose I'm too sentimental" shit like that)

- With his dynamics with the other toontown central managers, I think he actually feels very guilty about the incident that happened with Buck- but instead feigns a petty hatred for him so nobody will ask him about it and he doesn't have to admit how monumentally he fucked up

- He's on relatively chill terms with William, they're both angry big mouthed autistic people who do not know how to shut up so they mesh pretty well, I think they like to fight eachother to let off steam and then makeup immediately after, Brian isn't too fond of the whole oil leakage problem thing though because it makes a mess of his basement but he doesn't exactly hold it against him since he knows he can't help it

- When he can spare the time he loves poking around in the systems of his co workers just to see how they operate out of morbid curiosity and to see how he can make the jockeys more efficient, he's on that medic tf2 shit, not many of them let him do it though (understandably so)

- Probably went to whatever the cog equivalent of medical school was but lost his medical license after The Buck Incident™️

(And I think thats probably good for now because I am dangerously treading the line of infofumping about my AU sorry I have so many thoughts about this creature)

[ventsigidfk]

im not gonna be one of those people who shove christianity dont your throat but a month ago i was in a really bad spot for 3 months, everyday i was hurting my self, i was writing letter for everyone, i was planning my attempt and what felt like everything in my life was failing. a few nights in a row i prayed to God saying how badly i want to kill myself and that i cant take it anymore, i said i didnt want to cut myself anymore it was too much on my mental health but i couldnt stop it, and i didnt know why. i asked him for help i cryed to him for ages just rambling on about random stuff that i dont want in my life anymore because it was making me want to kms more than i already do. one of these nights i also did a delieverance prayer for lust, and many other demons that can attatch to you. for 1 month now i am clean from masturbation and cutting myself, i never thought this would happen and i couldnt see life where i didnt have a razor in my pocket. i couldnt go a week without doing something lustful. i threw my suicide letters away and i started to serve God more than i have been. Ive been a little happier but there is definitely still depression and thoughts of masterbating, i have definitely still almost turned to self harm but instead i prayed and rebuked that feeling and i am given the strength to fight the urges everytime. i have started writing suicide notes again but i stopped halfway through thinking wtf am i doing. ive almost gone and offed myself because i felt the entire world was against me but God stopped and saved me. I am no where near healed and i will never be sinless and there will definitely be relapses in the future but that is apart of healing and growing. this is something i thought never would happen in my life and i havent been properly clean for over a month in a year. i was and still am in a hole that i never thought i could have a hand to help me out and that no one would save me, but now i have a hand that is slowly lifting me up. i had no hope and no care for anything anymore. my struggles are real and the fact that a few prayers helped me is actually insane and i cant put it down to anything but a miracle. i just wanted to share this incase anyone in a similar situation was going through the same thing, i love you guys and i will still be posting on here, vents and what not.

stay alive |-/

[butcherfoxes]

GRGRGGFGH ok so bioshock right. Well eleanor lamb is from bioshock 2 but the base knowleghe you need of bioshock is that This Motherfucker made a city underwater bc he sucks ass. and used the final pam morals of No Rules Just Right. WELL they discover The Slug That Gives You Superpowers and go hrmm how could we make a profit from this (the city is capitlism world except its worse than captilism bc the guy thought american captilism was Too good to poor people) anyway so they figure out if they put the slug in little girls they can make super power drugs. WELL now they have a bunch of freakish little girls running around and people keep killing the little girls to get the drugs which is No Bueno. so theyre like “hey!! lets take our prisoners and brainwash them so heavily they genuinely cant think of anything Except protecting the girls!” yay! ok so this chick Sofia Lamb comes to rapture to be an awesome psychiatrist who loves to help poor people and also shes a single mom. Well andrew ryan the guy who made the city is like hrm. helping poor people is bad. and has her arrested. and then custody of her daughter Eleanor goes to this other chick who Loses Her Immediately and now shes being taken care of by this other guy whos like man fuck them kids and sells eleanor to the little sister orphanage which is really a sort of factory to make the freak girls. except this is Before they figure out the “brainwash prisoners to protect the girls” so theyre still figuring that out. WELL they figure it out by expirimenting on this one guy Yay! so they do it some more to other guys and As It Turns Out if the brainwash dudes get seperated from their little sister too long they either Die or Go Insane oh fuck! anyway back to subject delta whos the first guy to have that bond and eleanor the first one to. also have that bond. ok so now eleanor is Really attatched to subject delta and calls him her father also shes like 7 years old. anyway so theyre chilling Yayy! except her mother sofia lamb escapes from prison and is like fuck youuu die thats MY daughter. die. forever. and kills subject delta and does Things so that eleanor isnt a little sister anymore shes just a little girl. ok so while delta is dead sofias like hrmm wouldnt it be awesome if we created the perfect person whos super awesome by injecting them with Every Drug? well this goes bad. also sofia is a cult leader now. so sofias like Well eleanor my young daughter should be immune to the drug bc she was exposed to the drug. so actually im going to raise my daughter completely isolated from everyone so she wont be tainted and the cult is going to revolve around this little girl sacrificing herself to be the perfect most special guy in the world. yay! Well 10 years pass eleanor is a Teenager now and figures out how to revive subject delta bc kind of her mom sucks. this is the start of the plot of bioshock 2 Well subject delta goes on this epic journey to save his adoptive daughter and makes Moral Decisions which is to say the player gets to make moral decisions. and this seemingly effects nothign until closer to the end where when (spoilers) delta saves eleanor by turning her into a badass big sister (girls with big knives) u get little Hints of oh ! oh my choices mattered ! bc eleanor will either be viscously murdering everything in her path Including Children and laughing maniacally abt it OR going lalala..dont hurt my dad ok..and i save the children..anyway skip to the end there are like a bunch of endings but the one my profile pic is inspired by is where (more spoilers) subject delta dies but also so does eleanors mom But Also so do all the little sisters but eleanor escaped the city so eleanor is Completely Alone and also she was born and raised in the city so this is her first time on the surface and basically bioshock 2 is like undertale 5 years before undertale

jaw dropp...this sounds so interesting ill likely never get into bioshock but that sounds cool as hell

[wally-friggin-franks]

YOU GOT IT JECTOR BOY

hmm i know ya already knew this one, but i wanna tell it again. i stole one of the spare projectors. n' i took it home cos i wanted to try and set up a little movie night. invited multiple ppl but nobody believed me so it was just me</3

um i ended up causing a small fire but after i put that out i got it workin!!!! saw about 3 minutes of the reel i stole and then got bored. took the reel back but kept the projector.

hmmm. lemme think. i think at some point i was not havin a good day so i started hiding in the back of the warehouse to just get away yknow. lacie found me n she was so nice??? like i usually just annoyed her but she goes "kid, look. ya gotta beat their asses." and like girl..... ur so right..... i'm gonna beat them up.... so anyways i got into a fight

also! when i was rigging the uhh. warehouse games. to the doors? the guys were like "wow for a tiny guy you're capable." so i bit them too. teehee

did the water bucket trick on the music director. tried to run away but slipped on said water. i think thats when he kicked me down the stairs

another one. i visited jack cos i was done early and i didnt wanna go home yet. i go down there and theyre like,, i dont know how to describe it. but i just watched them do this little jig and then they saw me n went. well? you gonna join or what?? so im like. frick yeah ill join. so we grooved for a while until someone started yelling for me fkebdjeb

miss susie did my makeup once! but i moved too much and she was just. WALLY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SIT STILL. but it tickled it wasnt my fault it felt weird ok. anyways i was literally killing it afterwards. shes really good at makeup. and putting up with me cnsvhf

one more for now, then i gotta go-

sorry it has to do with the friggin mechanic. but its funny. so like after the whole Welder incident he just. stopped trusting me to do things alone so any time i had to help him (I HATED HELPING HIM) he was just watching the whole time like >:[ and saying no. youre doing this wrong. youre turning the wheel the wrong way. THEN YOU DO IT YOURSELF. anyways after a while of that shawn appears out of NOWHERE, drags me outta there, sayin "we gotta put my plan into action theres NO time to explain." and she had a "sled" (a bunch of wooden planks crudely attatched to eachother) set up at the top of the stairs and i couldnt even object before they just. put me on this thing and kicked us both off. i fell off immediately but shawn didnt realize i fell off til she was at the bottom of the stairs. THEY SET UP LITTLE SLINGSHOT THINGS TO HELP EM GET AROUND THE TURNS OF THE STAIRS. thomas catches up like "what the f man" and im just listening to the distinct sound of thunkthunkthunkthunk as the thing keeps goin. i get dragged back to work just as norman started scolding shawn 😔

anyways, thats all i got time for right now!! see ya later, im outta here >:]

[toby-35]

Ya know. I got incredibly lucky with where and how i got my first job

For my manager to be an open trans ally. A guy who understands autism. And a guy that i feel 100% safe with.

I got incredibly lucky.

Especially too cuz the way i got my job (through another company that helps people into job) the company recently went bust.

I feel i got so lucky. And im so proud of myself.

Yeah its just working in a clothes store. But as a kid, i just wanted to tidy stores and make them look nice. And now thats what i get to do.

Yes many people are leaving because they dont like it. But for now. Its giving me stability, peace of mind, im takinf good care of my mental health, i have support for my transition and i just really love the people i work with, ive grown fond and attatched to them. Why would i leave?

Why would i leave if im HAPPY?

Why would i leave if i feel SAFE?

-a very happy boi

-toby :)

[pwblogarchive]

June 2006

June 1, 2006

a letter to myself 10 years ago, from myself today (idea lifted from d.e.)

dear peter,the first and foremost. i miss you. not the people around you or the world you call yours. i am not who you think i am. i am not who they say i am- by "they" i mean the lovers and the haters. i am in between, still normal and ordinary. i dont know what you would think about the place i am standing right now. its funny i never pictured myself here, simply because i did not picture myself existing anymore. i am sure you know what i am getting at. its kind of funny almost. after seeing the top and the bottom. id have to say there is a much better view from the top, but you have alot more friends at the bottom. even when im trying to disappear its halfhearted. im almost there. you know? the only thing you got is that goddamned pen forever. it will be buried in your hand. youre gonna learn alot of things but none of them will include: unconditional love, modesty, grammar, or impulse control. id like to think that you wouldnt hate me. but who am i kidding? spotlight or no spotlight thats always kind of been your thing- its just kind of funny that its in fashion right now. i never did anything just for a buck back then, and i still wont. dont give up on me. in some ways i think i am walking away from all of this as we speak. here are some books you should read they will make your head rest easier at night, more importantly they will help you understand yourself:the old man and the seaour lady of the flowersthe green hills of africathe motel lifethe every boythe heart of darknessfirst love, last ritestake care of yourself. i am waiting on a letter from ten years from now

.posted by xo @ 2:05 PM

June 3, 2006

my phone cuts out in the same place every single day ("the gospel of gossip").

dear 310,

you can truly think yourself to pieces.

writing too fast for you to keep up.

and why would you want to anyway?

true oranges and sedated blues.

or is it the other way around?

i am millers paris. she is always humming. i hate it.

i wish for autumn. i am always thinking of breath in the air and leaves burning somewhere. somehow i attatch it to feeling okay.

in a running home from school kind of way.

just as easily as you run away from your problems, you can run home to them.

moodswings have kind of become protocol around here. like something you have to cross off of a checklist and then have your supervisor sign.

there isnt enough breeze in the suburbs tonight.

i imagine them to be like italy sixty years ago, only with less flamboyance and wider streets.my head is sticking to the pillow like sleep doesnt want to let me go.

writing alot lately. its like i always just want to mean something, something more than me.

its getting old.

i want to be more.

you make me want to be more.

to be shot out into space or to discover a cure to something terrible.

you cant denie, there is something nice about chicago. calming.

where your waiter is just your waiter and the doorguy is just the doorguy. not the place where everyone wants to be something they're not.

not as thought it matters but it feels safer.

she looks at me like she knows how fragile i am.

but i, we, all have inside of us continents like he said. vast and lush. full of guns and loves.

like the two were different by definition.

but they are the same. linked if only by the way that you will always remember your first ones.

then she said, "many african cultures dont believe in the concept of future".

fuck your futures.

Posted by xoat 4:16 AM

June 5, 2006

Stick around long enough and everyone becomes parody of themselves (see also: if it could happen to the egyptians if could happen to you).

you dont hate me, you hate the part of you that is like me. i cant sit here and ride my flaws until the end because the truth is i live the charmed life because of you and them. we are a gang. maybe its time to disband. im not sure i am thinking clearly but i just want you to know that i waited on you guys calls all night- they never came. i just wanted to say i miss you or im sorry or you know something that would have meant something to you. i would have made it poetic and memorable or at least something you could laugh at while drifting off to sleep. always trying to relive the glory days.

i dont care how poorly these sentences were constructed or how in the light of day i will wish i had not written them- right now i can only curse the fucking light off of this stupid western city because it wont ever get dark enough for sleep but otherwise how could you guide your way back here?

my head always feels warm right before i pass out, i always worry that there is something wrong and i wont wake up or you know i will. promise me that you wont take anything i ever say too seriously

June 9, 2006

“jim dear and darling.”

sometimes its like whats the point in anything. i am glad i have figured you out. it took one million times. but on one million and one i gave up on you. its the opposite of losing your virginity, its the opposite of dreams.im glad i got the chance to be a complete nerd and talk to superheroes on the red carpet. im glad i didnt waste it on movies and people i wasn't obsessed with. i am glad i am three thousand miles away from you right now. i am glad for the view out of my window. it doesnt feel like a prison more like a new start. its funny the way a wish and a curse are so close to each other, just like a grudge and a promise.thank god that shit wasnt live cause i have a mouth like a sailor. edit.im not a boomerang and youre not badnews. were just nothing at all. thanks for helping me figure it out. two lies in one sentence has to be a new record for you, so congratulations.sometimes the people that i only know through these songs and this screen make up for ones i have known for years. thank you for your birthday wishes. they meant alot to me. whether you know it or not.the birds are starting to sing the world awake at my house. get here soon morning."i wish i could stop being around people, i guess i am just addicted to it."w.e.

posted by xo @ 2:19 AM

June 10, 2006

“lets be alone, together.”

"here we are, alone again. its all so slow, so heavy, so sad... ill be old soon. then at last it will be over.so many people have come into my room. theyve talked. they havent said much. theyve gone away. theyve grown old, wretched, sluggish, each in some corner of the world". celine "death on the installment plan"i think i hear the tapping of rain on the roof but only in my head because i wish it so. i have some romantic idea of myself in some dirty apartment in paris writing words that will be cirtically analyzed and translated into languages from countries that i didnt even know existed. but this isnt france in the 30's and i dont have the knack for that kind of wit. tried to put my hand through a wall today in a disagreement i had with myself. i came out ahead and behind if you get my meaning. i think i just wanted a wound to take care of as they seem to be easier to look after than either a plant or a dog. stubborn and stupid are not far off from eachother in the dictionary. we have the same conversations day-in and day-out, im not sure why i even call anymore. just so its not just me talking to myself. though it seems to often be that anyway. im not sure if its schedule or even when it goes into remission its just a phone call or bad day away. i have to hope everyone and everything else is just like this as well or else this is gonna be a pretty lonely ride that goes on for far too long. i am looking at each word that proceeds the word i am currently typing. they look terrible to me right now. or even write now.dear liar, how could i ever ask you to stop. that would be like telling a carpenter he couldn't use a hammer or more like a surgeon he couldn't use a scalpel, because you are indeed precise.sometimes it feels like i am addressing myself surrounded bypeople who are also by themselves.posted by xo @ 10:36 PM

6/11/06 Q&A

question

I just got done watching “Dead on Arrival” and I wanted to know how old was Patrick in that video? Back then he was hot but now he is HOTT!!

answer

im not sure. they had delivered him to my door in a baby basket the stormy night before. the note on the basket said “amazing” but i didn’t realize how true those words were until days later, thanks for adding the capslock, it really captured the feeling.

question

Hey Pete What is your favorite kind of cereal?

answer

currently: frankenberry- 1000 fobrock scene points to the first boardie to name to the two monster cereals that used to be a part of the count chocula family.

question

hows it like being 27 now ? :)

answer

same flaws, concerns and boredoms with just one more candle on the cake. you know what, maybe next year is our year.

question

Have you ever eaten like, four boxes of blueberries before? Cause ya know, blueberries rock hard.

answer

i didnt even know blueberries came in boxes. hence, i am no expert. i like blueberry gum though. i swallowed a bunch when i was little, even though my mom said it wouldnt digest, so that in a million years when they dig up this civilization they’ll know what kind of candy we had.

question

Who cusses the most? Who the most solitary or the quietest?

answer

pete cusses the most and is the most solitary andy or patrick can be the quietest joe likes long walks on the beach holding hands with a man made out of weed… just kidding. we all have different sides to our personalities. just like you morgan.

question

Petah please listen to this amazing song I am obsessing over. It is called EMALINE and it is the live version by Ben Folds 5. I think you will like it. XO

answer

one of my favorite songs ever is this one ben folds song. its called “the luckiest” go listen to it and then have your ears, brain and heart write ben a thank you not for writing it.

question

Hey. Since you guys own Hottopic, could you PLEASE add more H.I.M. merchandise? im looking for a HIM beanie hat online at hottopic.com but i cant find it and i really wanted it. will you please add more HIM stuff?

answer

could hottopic possibly have more h.i.m. merchandise? i love him. im pretty much sure thats all i ever see in that store.

question

can patrick play guitar??

answer

nah. not a single note. hes never even held one. wait i thought that thing said “keytar”. oh a guitar? no he’s never even held one.

question

what keeps you going each day?

answer

sadly. involuntary functions like heart and lungs. but following that: you. honestly.

question

Pete!I just broke up with my boyfriend and I`m completely heartbroken.I can`t eat or sleep.He says the only way we can get back together is if we are friends with benifits.I want him back I just don`t want him to date anyone else.Am I wrong?Thanks for your music-it`s gotten me through some hard times so I wanted to say THANK YOU!!!love you and the boys.

answer

i dont think im qualified to give any advice on this anymore. im pretty much a wreck in all relationships, platonic or romantic.

question

transformers: the movie. how does this make you guys feel?

answer

it will never top the first. with the “you got the touch” song in it when optimus dies. and the way the guy yells “shit” in it. so classic.

question

dose it ever get werid knowing that millions of people know who you are and you have no idea that that person even exsist ???

answer

im not too sure anyone really knows who i am. but in the grand scheme of your question, yes it can be kind strange.

question

Is it okay to feel lonely all the time?

answer

sometimes it seems realistic. other times it just seems too predictable.

question

Peter I made a mistake and I had unprotected sex. I like this guy, but he seems a little strange, bc he makes remarks to me about how he wishes my dad would walk in and see us. He also asks me degrading questions while we are getting intimate, such as where I want it. What should I do about him?

answer

i wouldnt waste my time on someone who treats me that way. i would suggest cutting your losses and finding someone who won’t treat you like dirt.

question

is there any bands you would like to work with?!

answer

the format.

question

Do you think FOB would have the success it does if Patrick has decided to be the drummer?

answer

No.

question

Hey Pete haave you like forgotten about this website or something?

answer

i tried to. but im too addicted.

question

how cum ur older than every1 else in the band? like waaay older. okay not waaaay older but like 3 years or so. just wondering.

answer

andy is 26 and i am 27- patrick and joe are younger because tazakistan wouldn’t let us adopt any orphans our own age.

question

would you guys ever go on Oprah? If she invited you on for an episode. If so, what do you think you would talk about.

answer

sure id just on her couch and say some crazy shit.

question

On 4-14-06 *MEGYN* asked if now that your signed for a bigger label, do you care less about your fans and more about the money and you told her to talk this to the band from under the wallet tree. what does that mean? do you care more about the money or the fans that have been with you since the begining?

answer

no no no, thats the name of the recording studio we built on the moon to record the next record with. i mean we had to do something with all the piles of cash and i was getting sick of lighting cigars.

June 13, 2006

“blue pills / black nights”

history has proven thatyou can put despair on play/.repeat and it will go on forever.and if its loud and bright enough it doesnt matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right girls smile at you or how the best cameras flash at you.it is all you will hear or see.posted by xo @ 12:23 AM

June 15, 2006

me and you underneath the honeymoon. I'm not sure if you know but every night I've ever had that white hoody I slept with it. And when you had it back it was hard for me to sleep. And everytime I've ever left I kissed that thing you drew on the board in my room. Now I don't have either. Anything you've ever done I could forgive or forget. Except this. It was something I held sacred and I

xo

June 19, 2006

“im pretty much just a lawyer with the way im always trying to get you off”

i dont mean to have you worried or troubled. its the last thing i want. never take anything i ever say too seriously. youd need a search party to track my moods. who knows where they went? i guess this doesnt make sense. but in some strange way this is me saying thank you for always being there on the other side of this monitor.i am watching reality bites right now.the most exceptional thing about you is how ordinary you believe you are.i want to be kepy.i am a bull.she is a china shop.posted by xo @ 9:44 PM

6/19/06 Q&A

question

you guys looked uber classy rolling into the mmvas with those kickass shirts. what was up with your hand though?

answer

the fratellis put my hand in a blender cause i wouldnt tell them where the goonies were. but seriously. its just got a couple scratches, totally fine. no worries at all. just gotta keep it covered for infection.

question

pete… whats this i hear about policemen and cheerleaders and “the works” at the muchmusic awards? how very diddy style of you. oh and pete…is that you i hear on punchlines new cd? the line in caller ten when a voice goes ��maybe fate can only go so far” or something like that? it sounds just like you. danke gleichfalls.

answer

we thought it was hilarious. the cop was a friend and the cheerleaders we met yesterday- so the only thing we had planned was the drum corps. but we thought it was something funny to do. our sense of humor sucks. we apologize.

question

i would like to congradulate your guys for winning an MMVA last night and your performance was ausome. they saved the best for last!! anyways i was wondering, do you guys like performing in Canada and hows the new album coming along?

answer

thank you. we are really happy because it was again a fan voted on award. it made us feel all warm inside. we love canada.

question

Enjoying the World Cup Pete?

answer

yeah but not as much as korean tom cruise. the koreans pretty much are slaying. france was bummed yesterday. i was not.

question

I was just wondering if you guys have ever seen Pump up the Volume with Christian Slater… I have turned it into my best friends new favorite movie.. She thinks that Happy Harry reminds her so much of Patrick … that made me smile for some reason… Have a good day

answer

we called patrick stump up the volume for a couple of weeks in a bad period of nicknames.

question

Pete, you say the phrase “At the end of the day…” a lot and now I say it too- Got any other good phrases I could borrow?

answer

my friends bonnie and leslie say “totes” all the time instead of totally and people think they are a riot.

question

Did you know “JT LeRoy” (AKA LAURA) listens to you guys? Weird.

answer

thats insane. he/she is one of my favorite contemporary writers.

question

does patrick really like baseball?because he sometimes i see him wearing orioles and mariners jerset/shirt things.by the way, im sending him a padres one if he likes it or not.okbyee.

answer

i dont think he even knows they are teams. he just likes bright colors. its cute.

question

I saw DROP DEAD FRED the other day on tv. What is your favorite part of the movie???

answer

probably the dogpoop part. or when his head gets stuck in the refrigerator. sometimes i feel like him. pretty irritating with a horrible sense of fashion.

June 22, 2006

sex and the city (the part theyll never tell you)

its strange here this time of year. because the weather never changes.

it is always summer here. so it doesnt feel like the same desperate love of these three pages on the calander. or at least not what i am used to.

sometimes the worst wishes are the ones that come true.

yellow and white lines to the coast.

you can learn to love anything if its around enough.

some people learn to love their mistakes.

shakes hands. "thank you, our time is up".

what keeps you coming back?

i got a long rap sheet.

(the statute of limitations is running out on you pretty fast).

the powders wet. the sparks arent coming.

the hammer isnt hitting. its spinning.

you can learn to love anything.

Posted by xoat 4:34 AM

June 22, 2006 

“i pack heat like an oven door.”

the circles under my eyes are a sign that says "do not trespass".there is moss growing on the roof of my mothers room.i am jealous of the time she spends thinking of it.it is bright. no matter what chemicals they spray it with-it thrives.and late at night the rain falls like bachelors for bad luck girls.i am jealous of the way it breathes the drops while i just heave.if i had any sense id send her a thank you note for the way my heart wouldnt ever give up on someone.my dad was a weekend warrior.but at least he was fighting.usually with my mother or mortgage broker on the other end of the phone,as i was hushed and pushed out of screen doors.if i had any sense id send him a thank you note for my sense of adventure.consult the map of a world that does not exist.simply part of the no future generation.only (st)all(ed) dogs go to heaven, only the worng dreams come true.sleepwalk of the stars. there is too much green to feel blue.i am jealous of the late bloomers as i am of the wallflowers.in this world of shit. fertilize me.dont worry, youre safe.i am just a tiger sleeping in the shade.just tiptoe by.blackmail myself.give us what we want or youll never see what you love again.i thought you said you were "non habit forming".i thought you said you were "safe to use at night"."use only as directed" and so on.i came back to you.only its more like a relapse.count a thumb then two fingers in.thats the one i want.posted by xo @ 3:52 PM

June 25, 2006

“i am your best imaginary friend. (white lies, gray love).”

at the end of it the only thing that we are promised in life is a hole in the ground. sometimes it gets you through the rough patches just to think that you could change someone. it makes you love them to think that they would change for you. but like i said before its more like the james bond series than anything else- different actors, same character. same shitty dialogue, same shitty songs for the same hearts. and anyone that says any different is a goddamned liar or worse, is just too much of an optim to pay anything mind. talking to you is like selling fire in hell. it can be done, but youre probably gonna have to tell a few white lies to make it happen. and anyone that changes only does it in front of your eyes and changes back when in the blackness of their own room. anyone can paint a gutter to make it look like gold. it only feels strange when the paint washes away. "love me with your head, not your heart". cigarettes on window sills. i love the way the smoke curls off of your lips. it makes me think we are in a period piece until the lexus hybrid drives by the front of your house. its efficient, just like you. went to the pride parade today just besides no one gives a compliment like a drunk gay man. when you are thinking about the first place where it all went wrong- please keep me in mind. you are ancient history- whichever side of this sentence you are on doesnt feel so great. you lob reassurance at me only im playing a different game. somtimes you just want to know that all is okay with the world and that you can sleep tight. only it never is when you need it to be. i keep talking and never say a thing. sleep easy. be well.i am still. i cant think of a single thing. it hits me like a wave. get me out of my mind."ransom notes keep falling at your mouthmid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outsspeak no feeling no i don't believe youyou don't care a bit you don't care a bit"i am a sentimental pessimist, dont blieve the fucking smile ever.love,the hot mess.posted by xo @ 10:30 PM

6/25/06 Q&A

question

So when do the FOB action figures and barbie dolls come out?

answer

come on. youve seen the bratz pics. theres no way we’d put out action figures. dolls with outfits maybe. hahaha

question

I watched “The Lost Boys” for the fist time the other day and i was just wondering what your favourite part was. Mine would have to be the “woah death by stereo” part. please respond.

answer

“maggots michael, youre eating maggots. how do they taste?”

June 27, 2006

“what are they going to arrest me for? being awesome?” i woke from this dream today: i was riding a motorcycle in the desert with this world jumping next to me the whole time. it could jump really far. then my dad was there and he said the wolf was bad news and couldn't stay. i lost it and picked up one of those desks with the table attatched (you know like from little house on the prairie) and asked him if he wanted to die. he said yes. then i threw the desk and he said no he didnt right before he died. i then woke up and brushed my teeth but the toothpaste tasted like it had gone bad. then i woke up for real.kind of crazy.i had to call my dad and make sure i wasnt throwing desks at him over wolves. you know.food for thought again, consider this crash dieting.patrick could sing the phonebook and you would still swoon.currently writing songs.sometimes i watch kids in spelling bees and get so jealous of the talent they have. i wonder what it would be like.did you see the corners of my mouth turn up for a second today? cause i caught you looking.more tomorrow. i miss being on tour. i miss playing shows every night. i hope you love the new songs so we can play more shows.cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep."we must never be apart"...watch: barflyread: death in installmentsposted by xo @ 1:12 AM

6/27/06 Q&A

question

Hey, Pete. Check your aol email for “I was bored” sent today, the 27th. I sent you another poem on the 22nd called “P.E.T.E.” It includes stuff from the Q and A and what I have read elsewhere. Love it…laugh at it…whatever…Be happy and do not fake it.

answer

simply because this has been posted over one million times- there is no aol email account anymore. if it is important please just post it in the q and a…

question

hey pete… what do you do when you feel everything falling apart? who do you turn to?

answer

smashing pumpkins “ava adore”

question

What was the biggest show u guys have ever played and do u ever get nervous before u do a show?? thnx ..luv ya always

answer

i think the biggest was madison square garden or bamboozle- cleveland/dc on the bcandu tour were big as well. i always get nervous, mostly that maybe noone will care about the songs anymore. you constantly suprise me though. thank you.

question

i was wondering when the next cd was coming out?

answer

we are currently getting it ready so either late this year or early next.

question

i just got a guitar, and its hard to learn, got ne tips?

answer

turn it up loud and headbang alot.

question

is it ok to love patrick and you BOTH?

answer

sure. you could even love joe and andy. i bet you could fit us all in your tiny dark little heart.

question

Jason, you awesome i loved that striped jacket you wore to the MMVAs lol its funny i was at that store the day before, question: what do u look for ina girl, cuz im just dying to be her

answer

thanks, jason is a big fan of babez- jason likes girls that will buy him burger king and drive him to band practice.

question

I guess Ill try to ask again…..or maybe Ill ask everyday until you answer =P Cause I HAVE to know…..who is singing at the beginning of one of FOBs old song “Honorable Mention” because it really doesnt sound anything like Patrick, but it sounds like he comes in later. Plzzz answer! Lots of love, your biggest fan AsHeLy (Seriously, I know the words to almost every song youve ever recorded)

answer

its patrick i swear. puberty arrived about a week later. it got stuck in the mail.

6/29/06

question

Pete Imagine this: Patrick (with his hat on of course) playing in a bathtub filled with bubbles and has a toy boat, army men, and a rubber ducky. Then he puts all the army men on the boat and pours a huge cup of water on the boat and laughs when all the army men fall in the water.

answer

i dont have to imagine. i get to see it in real life.

question

why cant I choose love AND sympathy?

answer

because usually they seem to be the same thing.

question

pete how many hairstyles have you had?

answer

when you date a hairstylist you end up getting alot of hair cuts. lets settle on some insane number. like 1 gazillion.

question

so do u ever get tired of people whining to u about their problems. cause i def think peeps should own up to their problems and deal with them

answer

i often wonder if people are sick of hearing about my problems. because thats all these words have ever amounted to. we are in it together, kind of, i suppose.

[alternateanonymous]

So.... 06/24/2024

So. This is where I am.

I am in a weird place where i am alone. And i am like kinda ok with it, working on it, but the other part im not ok with because im dwelling and thinking of the past and the future. I need to learn to be more in the present.

I am not happy with the person I am. I am kinda dissapointed in myself for a lot of different reasons and I am not in a place where I can find love at all. I am in a dwelling and reflective place. i've needed to write an entry for a while but haven't because i lack the energy and ambition. Same thing with school and working out and the club which makes me sad.

Relating justin: there are a lot of emotions here. I don't think we'd work out, i just have a gut feeling. But i might be down to try if i was more healed but i am not but i could feel myself getting attatched. I was selfish and a little deluded when it came to you and that was at your expense because I just said i wanted to have fun. which was true but not the full truth. The truth is, i am very much not where i want to be and not in a healthy position to even be pursuing any type of relationship even if it's not even on my end. even if someones says they are waiting for me because i do not need that pressure. so, don't wait for me. i would still love to have you in my life as a friend who witnesses my transformation and i would feel like it would be sad to let you go but i understand if it's to akward and difficult for you.

Relating ryu: fuck dude, i know you really like me. but i fucked up, i had "too much fun" and crossed some boundaries I really shouldn't have and i am sorry for that. You don't deserve that and are probably very confused. I need to be more clear.

so basically, here is a life update. Starting with the break of no contact. Didn't talk with him much. talked with him here and there, went on a late night drive with him. Went to anime con with him. It was weird, could tell bro was feeling weird. everything was chill, i started missing him seriously. went on a whole ass walk, Darius came up, made out in my apartment, he met the roomies. Then he professed his love for me and i told him no and bro went all sad boy. i ended up walking around campus for like 3 hours by myself missing stefan and being sad about the darius situation. I ended up blocking him and kevin in a valient effort to move forward and create boundaries. muhsin helped me through that. That went well for about a month and i worked out, other guys told me they were intrested in me. i started getting clloser with freddy. Hung out with freddys in boston and met all his friends, and others. I dropped a whole ass albumn, one that was supposed to be for stefan but they were all bangers and i still wanted to release it but changed them all and then did. by the way. this is all in the same phase era, i don't remeber exactly which came first or what not. hosted ulaunch.

then i went to a car show after pulling an all nighter and driving around in my car. found a really cool spot and sang into the nature. I met abunch of new people, i was a yes gurl that day in my most authentic self. I ended up hanging out alot with the friends I met that day. we got close. i started hanging out with will alot more, did some real date type shit like photoshoots and getting high. p sure bro caught feelings but ended that p quicjly.went to a party with muhsin, amelia and will. Mushin did some fucked up shit and invited stedan there. really dumb. i invited them to my apartment for a party. One of them got close with me and we hung out during that party alone. He got the wrong impression, told me he liked me and i caved for the plot. I told him, no expectations but he said aight. me and that group went to a fire car show. it was fun. That's when shit really got all fucked up. I started talking with another dude about exploring my sexual side, as a purely platonic thing and because I was curious. I created an account where i posted things and got a lot of responses. then I asked him if he wanted to hookup in light of the situation for comfortability purposes, he took it the wrong way and started treating me romantically which made me feel weird but i just brushed it off when i should've addrresed it. It happened and i was super intoxicated and realy didn't want to but said fuck it imma just let it happen because im intoxicated and had a little bit of a panic attack during it. the next week passed, i didn't say anything about the occurence and he didn't either until he called me at 4 in the morning after work telling me his concerns. He felt used and betrayed because I didn't reciporcate any of those feelings or discuss the matter. He told me he didn't want to be friends. I said, i did all i could and said all i could've said. Then he texted me later saying he revokes that statement and wants to be friends. I didn't respond to him. Then that guy that told me he liked me from the party found out. Oh, by the way during all of this i was still hanging out with him and getting super close, same thing with Will, and i was also distancing myself from my previous best friend because of the breakup. Justin asked me about will and i told him. He doesn't know about the site thing. That became a whole thing as he told me Will was back talking me to his friends Shreesh and dominica. I also went to a party with justin. I didn't make out with a girl but said i did. Ya, that was dumb and shitty and i didn't think it had much weight to it but it did end up having weight. it was a whole thing trying to figure that situation out. We kinda did. Me and will hung out a lot less. Me and justin kept hanging out the same amount. Me and justin hooked up because i was super intoxicated and had it in my mind that this is just the way it;s gonna go basically doing it for the plot in a negative and toxic way. I feel like i put myself in a position to be raped, mentally and physically. Also, i hooked up with this other guy named connor. We got stuck in a field and had to be towed. he is hot but he doesn't have the vibes im looking for. also, me justin shreyas and tony all went to worcester for demo ride. it was fucking awesome. also went to a party with the club, jd was playing drums it wsa cool. went to hang with biker group after. Super fun, met a lot of people was super extroverted. Made dp dough in my party fit was fun.

Then my brithday party happened. hung out iwth freddy, julian and justin and syka. Legit one of the best hangouts ever. Brought the club and the biker gang togetyer. Oh, also throughout this period I had some of the best college expereinces with the biker group that i've ever had, so super complex. but brithday happened, i was late to my own birthday and got to wasted and emotional and then justin and ryan almost fought eachother. Both sides didn't like eachother and i was in the middle confused and sad. Also, ryan's gf pulled out of the lease which was a big fuck you and they both lied to me and saxon saying it was cheaper. I didn't trust or like ryan cuz he wanted to hear all of your woes and sorrows but didn't do shit to be there.. I feel like he has no respect for me and verbally talks down on me. But i'm still chill with him. Also, will says a lot of out of pocket and rude things to me about justin and the biker gang like, don't make out with justin, oh was the person that tried to kts from the biker group. anwys, i digress I was then told to talk with everyone about it and to distance myself from justin. Also, told julian about the site. Ended up doing sexy stuff with him too.

Then, I crashed my motorcycle. Almost died. high sided, landed on the other side of the road face down in a pile of blood. went to the hospital. parent's super mad, justin stayed with me the whole time. i got out. went to six flags a few days later, went to a 21 savage and jid concert. went on a boston trip and hiked up a rock mountain. healed, kept gettnig closer with justin but now more in a friend way. Started realized i only wanted him as a friend. hung out with will, went to boston. Had a lot of fun. Hung out with feddy and justin. They got close we went to the zoo and drove around boston. legit had a fire ass day. had them over to the apartment again, went to a brewery and got pulled over. got a massive ticket for like 300 something. went to boston, to see justin like 2 times. paid 40 for parking and then second time got a parking ticket cuz im retarted. paid 90. went to the aquarium with justin. hung out with ryu, went to fan expo. We fake proposed for fun and i kissed him. bro caught feelings. really i shouldn't have done that.

now we are in this phase, started working. now im super reflecting on the fucked shit that happened in the last... what, 3 months. bro and i broke up right before spring break which was in march. like march 17th is when it started. Holy shit bro. my job is being super insecure rn as fuck police details. Im being super reflective. im loving the cyberpunk astehtic. I'm thinking alot about my ex's, myself, watching shows, feeling super lethartic. i want to get out of this mindset but i don't know how. I can't force myself to because then i won't really do it. im lacking who i used to be. how do i change that. 5 crazy changes in the last 3 months is crazy. but yea. so basically. im also thinking about stefan and realzing how much i really did love him. i loved him a lot. the beginning was perfect until it wasn't and idk how long it's going to take for me to get over that. it's so sad. i failed myself and him, and so did he. did i loose the love of my life? no way, no way because the love of my life wouldn't do those things to me. but i lost a very very very imporant person in my life. All i can do is to keep doing better for me, because the love of my life is going to be stefan and more. much more. But i am scared that he was the love of my life and that i am not going to find someone else, and i am also still very unhealed. and if i don't heal myself and be ok then i won't find my love. so i've tried to do other things like like fictional men and etc. ya man, shits crazyyyy. but yea. im scared he was the love of my life because im super unhealed. because im super unhealed i also can't let anyone in to love me or deal with situations properly. i need to learn boundaries and learn how to truly love myself and heal myself through the peace of mind of being confident in me.

wrote this song today.

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had 

I think of the memories,

 that we both shared

Filled with exactly what i wanted and all i wished for, but those good time can’t be spared 

Because i think of the torture, the horror, the pain 

I think of the future and the way I couldn't stay 

I think of the failed pursuit of love where I tried so hard, and so did you

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had 

And i’m sad because now i was just another stepping stone 

For a broken boy to get to his goal

Of working to fix himself for his one true love 

And now i can’t get the sadness out of my mind

Of all the wasted efforts, emotions, and time 

Because now im here, and all i can say is so…..

And I tried to pick myself up from the ground

Found someone who was right and could hold me down

But because of the past, i wasn’t able to allow 

And im screaming inside cuz theres no way out 

We could’ve been so good

Instead you hurt so bad

And now im wondering, if you;re still loving, or  was i the last love that you had.

so yea mags. you got this. take this time of reflection. its ok. after this period of reflection. use it to slowly boost yourself to become the person you want to be. you want to be reia. be her, it's ok. yea, i have 3 sides. reia, vali and mags. lol, it's cringey don't judge. I have made Neo the love of my life right now lol. it's ok to have fun with thinking about love, just don't dwell on it to much. you are also deeply connected with the sun, eternal sunshine baby. you got this. keep reflecting, it's ok. Know that you have the energy in you somewhere. it's just harder to access right now. so accommodate to that and adapt. you got it maggie

[halloweenrazorcandii]

I mean if you know me by now you should also know that I'm not in the best headspace either, therefore I've been getting over it whilst still being upset about it if this paragraph makes sense

i knew it was going to happen eventually I just never wanted to say anything,, I've known since the Eli era baby (a little less but I've still had suspicions)

what upset me was the "I wish I never met you guys" but honestly at the same time i was just "sure whatever you say" in an I honestly don't have time to entertain whatever this is so I don't care right now way.. and I didn't really care after for a bit

the couple of times me and Kevin talked after I didn't bother asking about you because, well if you wish you never met me then why would I //neu but by that point I was kind of over it and way overdue for a therapy appointment so

i talked to myself a lot about it after and I know I'm self aware, so yeah I guess I still cared about it even after.. it just baffled me how you said that knowing wasn't in a good headspace and I had to think back like. did I ever say that to you at one point when you spiralled (nono, genuinely I'm still thinking about it, because what prompted that)

I'm STILL not in a good headspace which is why this is lengthy and it's a thought-spill because I don't have the energy to sugar anything

all of this isn't in //neg btw,, like even after then I didn't have any //neg feelings towards you but more of my usual "it's whatever" things

I do not mind talking to you after this or whatever, and I apologize in advance if I seem a little more callous than I normally would

but if you still wish you hadn't met me we don't have to talk we can just keep doing whatever we were doing before //gen

most of this is rushed because I'm being pressured to do chores jfc

im dizzy and awaiting a trip to the hospital in questioned time and i didnt know if i should respond to this yet because it wouldnt seem serious but i want you to know that i am im just not in a physical or mental state to sound as genuine as posisble though i am geuine so i apologize for spelling mistakes and or questionable sentences that dont make sense whatever i say i dont mean to self cneter or try to justify i have half a mind for what im saying rn /srs/gen i dont know where to start i know youn arent in the best head place or place at all and i dnt know or remember what this happened for but it did happen gradualy so i guess itwas building up i physically nor mentally more than 85% of the time cannot control what ido when i outburst especially with influence i have a disorder it will not be helped and i cannot say that i will not outburst because i literally yk cannot help it because i am a different person when i outburst hence cause - bpd n bipolar / insensity - other things and im being so serious when i say this and i am so sorry for saying that or saying that i wish i never met you guys thats what i was feeling so i said it and i shouldnt have and i am sorry and words cannot describe how confused i am on how to apologize correctly but i did not mean it for the most part i will be honest sometimes i have sour feelings when i am ghosted or ignored - this attatchments built up over the course of many years and if its being taken away then i am irrational and that is mostly explanation for why im so frequently upset - more than 2 weeks later it is still object of outbursts this explanation is not meant to feel guilt it isjto give reason because maybe its needed i give warning not to speak to me if it will be an issue i give warningthat if my issues will be problem like they have been then js dont try because you dont haveto do that to yourself though probably all too scaredto admit im a backgrounder now and i shouldve left yuou all alone long ago and im so glad you have newer and better friends and seem to be making a good place here from my perspective it seems your better off if we branch off but thats not my choice i do hope you and the rest of whatever is left of that old group continue to grow and i again apologize about all of this and i have reason for shame andm i hope your a ltleast doin g better and having fun with everyone i still warn that js do whats bets fro yourself we arent close anymore nor related if you consider so it doesnt really matter abt my show i js wanted to make a point to poorly and breielfy i do recognize apologize and tell you you deserve good and all great and youve done so much for everyone and i hope you get better from here yeah idk what to say im kind of dizzy in the head rn but i do mean it wehn i say you deserve better and im sorry ijsdont know how to show it i wish i couldve made this better but mi blank i appreciate your codnsideration

[peacefulsimming]

a halloween for the books 😎🧡

alternate caption: how i managed to cry over sims photos

[kaleidosouls]

I love your Pearl redesign! I also love that you gave her a more motherly personality, cause Steven deserves a Mom! 💖 (I know he had Garnet in canon, but still)... But is your Pearl still an inventor and knight, like in Canon? 💜Also, what is your Pearl’s relationship with Amethyst, since they don’t argue like in Canon? 💙And how does your Pearl feel about Greg, since the crush on Rose/Pink isn’t there?

thankyou so much!!! this made my day ;w; im answer your questions so apologise that i literally am clinically like, unable to be brief. god how i wish i knew how. i ended up going into way more detail and writing than what you asked so im sorry for using your questions as writing prompts sdgkj

she's still an inventor and knight, and insecure about these traits since they were developed over thousands of years and not what she was made for. rose just thought of her as another joining her forces while pearl could only see it as a transfer of ownership, so in a way she saw learning those skills as a way to be a better servant for rose's cause but no one had really Asked her to pick up arms or technology, she was simply interested in those things without realising it herself. im sure shed be similarly enamoured with the concept of knighthood as it's a more glamourized form of servitude.

pearl and amethyst would have similar like, butting heads in canon except pearl isnt berating and diminishing amethyst like she did, but still a sort of like shes telling or trying to encourage amethyst to 'do her chores' and amethyst hates it and is dramatic about it. pearl is clearly very ocd driven but more meek so she'll tell amethyst, please pick up those things on the floor and amethyst going UGH I HATE IT HERE, its something that over time does make amethyst feel like shes improper but pearl isnt too prideful to not stop when amethyst asks her to, and amethyst learns over time to be more considerate with pearl than just make a fuss every time cause pearl takes it very seriously. pearl still tries to do things she seems helpful sometimes without asking like tidying up a few things in amethyst's room which makes her mad and pearl doesnt understand why but is actually distraught when she makes amethyst unhappy

they are very much still a sort of opposites to eachother but pearl has a more introverted personality, shes more easily embarassed by amethyst's antics than offended. she like cares deeply about her bc she and garnet basically 'raised' amethyst over the hundreds of years since they found her in kindergarden. amethyst has is jealous of both pearl and garnet being so 'put together' and it makes her question herself but shes not in suicidal depression like she is in canon (where she talks about literally not asking to have even been born)

i think further on in canon after some development with steven too theyd get a lot closer and learned to work some of their differences where pearl has learned to 'let loose' some more and amethyst has grown more responsible. pearl needs to learn to exist For herself and not depend on anyone else for her worth and amethyst wants to form an identity for her own and she needs to accept her own flaws and that relying on other people doesnt make her lesser.

wrt greg, i could see pearl initially being very awkward around him. like moments in canon where she like, ducks behind garnet around greg and such except wtihout the context of 'ew the Disgusting Useless manthing that STOLE my gf' and more like, oh no one of the alien people >< greg is such a loose chill guy and itd bump against her neat and tidy outlook, but she would grow to like him and find him fun. i believe All the gems become torn on how to feel about greg when like, rose becomes more attatched to him than them, pearl would specially not understand and feel frustrated why she cant come along on 'dates' because shes used to being around rose as much as possible, rose presumably having already had flings with humans but like, in secret from the others. greg would also be like, Greatly insistent on letting her act in servitude towards him and become upset by her trying to act like what to him is like a maid or something worse, something pearl wont be able to understand for a while until after she sorts this out with steven.

wrt the whole, giving birth to steven, im torn on how to change it in the sense it still doestn Fully make sense to me how it happened anyway but, i feel like pearl would be so shocked she wouldnt really process the depth of what was going to happen until it did. greg should bring up the living conditions for the baby and theyd probably get the house in the temple built before steven's birth, rose finds the idea of the house super endearing but amethyst is the one who suggests greg should 'just move in', and no one has really any complaints about that. (bc theres no valid reason he adn steven couldnt live in a house when they could just build one anytime anyway?? greg is litearlly homeless and poor?? i think rose wouldnt even think to consider that greg's life is difficult, but when greg brings up all his anxieties about raising a baby, the rest of the gems were definitely concerned)

when it happened pearl went throw stages of depression where shes denying rose is really gone because shes just shapeshifted into this baby thing, and unable to really reach or talk to rose or see her over time makes her frustrated and angry and upset in a way not even the gems had ever seen her, where she butts heads with greg who similarly ends up having an outburst because hes in so much grief and he didnt really Want her to be gone and they couldve jsut adopted a human baby but he felt he had no right to deny her the right to have a kid if thats what rose wanted. pearl has a similar thought to canon that if they just pull the gem out rose would come back before snapping back into herself and seeing how everyone is grieving and in pain and that like, Thud in her gut that she really is gone, for real, like she might as well have been shattered, and sinks into a very long depression where shes near catatonic similarly to how she was when losing her diamond. she floats through the motions and does whatever anyone tells her to do but doesnt really talk anymore. everyone else is going through their own like, ways of processing and coping with this and they really dont know how to support each other, and garnet doesnt want to push pearl into fighting because shes barely there mentally so she ends up spending a lot of time in the house with baby steven, with greg picking up working in the car wash like in canon bc hes broke and has a son to raise. i think this is where shed actually pick up the habit of watching steven sleep, this has just ocurred to me sdklgj idk why she does in canon other than canon pearl is a freak but while steven is like an infant and pearl is too depressed to do anything she starts to just watch steven and babies sleep most of the time. greg like, rants out loud to pearl whenever hes home, which is fairly often anyway, like walking himself through the steps of baby 101 and she kinda just watches it almost absentminded, but thanks to her gem processing she Is absorbing most of what greg is saying to her, she just doesnt react much. greg also starts to ask her for help more and let her help with chores which she greatly takes to because its like thank god something to fullfill my self worth and give me something i can do. i think this is what gets her slowly becoming more active again because of settling into a parent routine and caring for a baby gives her more than enough things to do. shes intially scared of even touching steven like he will break, and theres a lot of like, alien doesnt know how human babies work moments, but she starts to absorb herself in parent 101 books and knocking at vidalia's door with a questionaire and becoming familiarised with baby stuff. itd probably get to the point greg has to like pry steven from her bc steven is His son you know. i think pearl and greg would probably end up becoming pretty good friends through this experience, honestly. same with garnet and amethyst. greg would take a much more active role in steven's life than having to distance himself bc of 'gem stuff', he would also raise steven to love music the same way in canon.

i think while pearl and greg wont get along 100% of the time, as their personalities dont quite meld, theyd be a pretty good co-parenting duo. greg would teach pearl a lot about humans that she had no idea about and she takes his lessons to heart, often Too literally, and he has to clarify things to her later. she would share the feeling from canon that humans seem 'very fragile', speciallyafter spending time with a baby. she probably became really horrified at all the horrible ways babies could crack their skulls that contributed to her overprotectiveness of steven later. as well as her mentally transferring her servitude from rose to steven. i think many people would regularly assume pearl to be steven's nanny or maid than a mother bc thats how she acts like, which like upsets steven when hes in his teens because he wants her to be his friend, not his maid.

anyway no one is gonna read all of this but tahnk you sdlgkjs oh and to add, while i dont want pearl to have a crush on rose i believe she would idolize/admire her in a way people could interpret as crush-like but i want her to feel about rose as platonically as garnet and amethyst do. like its simply not a romantic thing bc in canon she is Literally her owner and in my au pearl thinks of her as such.

[basaltdelta]

Workin on an au and I should probably wait until I have more drawings done BUT...Im pitching my Hex tf2 au, Its pretty barebones atm? it follows the comics closely in that theres 2 teams that then combine into one, but think more ‘A bunch of separately hired mercenaries im forcing to work together and I don’t even give them a matching uniform i just make them wear a patch’ More Info and Rambling below the cut, not really in any order, i just wanna get Ideas Out into the world!

Reginald and Lionel - Blutarch and Redmond Mann Carla - Administrator Miss Pauling stays as Miss Pauling. Shes iconic. Super Weasel Kid - Scout Irving?? - Soldier (Heavily considered him as Miss pauling?? or Classic heavy??? I literally genuinely dont know.) ??? - Pyro Rust - Demoman (Rocky is either the Sword or the Mom back home. except hes a kid) Bryce - Heavy, melee Lazarus - Heavy. Shoots you dead. Rebecha - Engineer (Considered her for Miss Pauling for a bit) Sadie (yknow who i mean) - Medic  (considered jerimiah for a good second.) Chandrelle - Spy Trish - Mirasmus (trust me) Theres No Sniper. In theory I thought about Chandrelle multi classing, and Maybe Lazarus being a sniper instead?? Or Rust could fit sniper and i can make Lazarus Demoman. Im not too fussed about not having a sniper okay. I am a bit bummed about having two Heavys though None of these are set too set in stone, im ironing alot out. The ones I have the most thought out about are Chandrelle, ???, and Sadie, cause ive started drawing them first! Chandrelle is a spy, im figuring out all the Magic stuff cause Magic def Exists but its not like any of the main tf2 characters utilize it besides Monkey Man. I imagine Vallimir is a magical parasite (honestly wish i could make him the sword) thats attatched onto her and gives her abilities of Cloaking and Identity theft. Eventually in the future Vallamir gets trapped in a jar (like the spy’s head in a jar in medic’s lab) but Chandrelle has enough like, leftover magic to function. and the help of technology. ??? Is just.. Pyro.. Like i understand Sadie could be Pyro if u wanna go that route but ??? is mysterious..funny little guy...doesnt speak...u dont know what they look like..its perfect. The weapons ive picked out 4 ??? are supposed to connect to the Walking game, like its purposely all fast acting stuff. Sadie is just medic. its perfect. Shes a little insane and shes replacing all your organs with spiders!! Super weasel kid is so obviously Scout aswell, look at that man. Hes fast. Hes arrogant. he gets NO bitches and he tries so hard. Rebecha is engineer cause it fits well but like, im not entirely happy with it. Ik characters wont fit into assigned roles PERFECTLY but man. Though i can see her as one of those beach chair engineers in a sentry nest. Im changing the story with Reginald and Lionel a little bit? Im unsure how their feud entirely started, i know they arent related, and I know Reginald doesnt seem like a grudge kinda guy and id agree with you if it wasnt Lionel. When both of them die in comic im replacing that with Reginald strangling Lionel to unconciousness (slay!!), everyone thinks Lionel is dead and goes on about their day. Lionel ends up replacing Grey mann later ^^ thats All very loose. im unsure Reginald just really hated Lionel. So Carla wouldn’t be too worried about him hes chill, so all the Administrator stuff would still happen. I think im also keeping Saxton hale as the same person?? I dont know if anyone in Hex has the same pizzazz and self confidence as saxton hale. Id say lionel. but in my mind hes a twig, hes already assigned a character, and I like saxton hale more. Irving really fits Classic heavy more then solider, but then id have to figure out the REST of the classic team and that is more characters then the Hex Has i think, Unless i want to make hex Ocs