#government man

[ratfromh]

ever wonder what happened to gordons ponytail in hl2?

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #97

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please enjoy.

Read the rest of Government Man here on Tumblr! That is, if the search function is working properly today.

Government Man walked into Boss Man’s office. “You wanted to see me, sir?”

Boss Man held up a finger to imply “Wait a minute,” as he sucked on the straw of a soda cup, which was already nearly empty and quite loud. This went on for longer than it should have, which speaks volumes about the man’s lung capacity. He stopped for a moment, took a breath, and continued sucking on the straw, almost certainly not getting any soda in his mouth as he did since all that was left was solid ice. Satisfied that he had gotten his money’s worth, he placed it to the side to try again later.

“Thank you for coming, Government Man. I have a new assignment for you.”

“Yes, that is what I expected.”

Boss Man got out of his seat and walked over to the corner, where a preteen boy stood wearing a fitted suit and an arm sling.

“This is Government Boy. Say hello, Government Boy.”

“Hello.” Government Boy waved with his good arm.

“I would like you to show Government Boy around our headquarters. He is our new recruit.”

Government Man squinted his eyes. “Boss Man, why is a child our new recruit? CIA business is dangerous.”

“I need a summer job,” Government Boy answered. “And I am not allowed around deep fryers anymore.”

“Oh, okay.” Government Man smiled and held out his hand. “Welcome to being from the government!”

Government Boy reached out his good hand, but it was the wrong one, so Government Man took his right hand back and reached out with his left. Government Boy had a good, firm handshake.

Government Man led Government Boy through the halls. “It is a great honor to serve and protect your country, Government Boy. I am certain your parents are very proud of you.”

“What do we do here?”

“We protect the country.”

“From what?”

Government Man paused. He hadn’t thought about it before. “Other governments, mostly. Sometimes milk.”

They arrived at Government Woman’s office. “This is where my colleague, Government Woman, works. You can see she has decorated her space with venomous insects and reptiles. This is normal for her.”

Government Boy looked through the window. He was particularly fascinated by a wall-mounted diorama of a tarantula.

“I do not enjoy the creatures.” Government Man added. “Come on, let’s go to the next place.”

Next was the men’s room.

“Why are you showing me this?” Government Boy asked.

“This is my favorite place to take a rest. That is why they call it the restroom. No one uses this one except for me, but I want to share it with you as a gesture of hospitality.” Government Man turned on one of the taps. “Isn’t that neat how the water comes out like a waterfall?”

The last place was the food court. Their shoes hit the marble floor and echoed through the large, open room. There were a handful of tables scattered around, but most of this space was left for foot traffic and presently went unused. Government Man led Government Boy to a kiosk at one end of the room, typed a code into the keypad, and a door opened up in the wall to reveal a paper bag that contained a fried chicken sandwich. GM took a bite.

“Where are all the people?” Government Boy asked.

“They are behind the wall,” Government Man replied through a bite of sandwich. “To keep us away from the fryers, maybe.”

“No, the people who should be in this room, with us.”

“They are all away on missions. Just as Government Woman is.”

“All of them?”

“I do not see them very often.”

“Have you ever seen them?”

Government Man stopped chewing. His hands shook. He swallowed. “I am sure I have.” He wrapped up his sandwich and put it back in the paper bag, which he rolled up tightly. “Let me show you to your new office. It is across the hall from mine.”

[jt1674]

[twinrot-arts]

Sinister

1-23 - Fan Art - For Others. Late gift for our lovely void, of this sinister being-- We've never actually played/watched the Half-Life games, but it was neat doin' rrrrt of him...~ Suits are so stiff, ahhH-- Only we and Clear may use, do not steal.

Do Not Repost/Use/Remove Caption. Like this? Consider following~ Art © twinrot -- G-Man (c) Valve

[phantomrose96]

Thinking about Edward Elric as the Amestrian Military's specialest little unfireable boy

State alchemists can be fired for underperforming. We know this up front from the likes of Shou Tucker. And this makes a ton of sense from the homunculi's standpoint since the state alchemists are sacrifice candidates, and the homunculi would want to cull the weakest candidates and focus only on cultivating the strongest ones who stand the best chance of opening the portal.

........Then there's Edward. Who's already opened the portal.

There's no need to cultivate him. No gamble taken on whether he's good enough to open the portal. He passed the final test already. Graduated 4 semesters early.

And as such, has a free pass to do Absolute Fuck All.

And I'm imagining how funny this is from like an outside perspective.

Some newish state alchemist who'd only ever read up on the stories of Edward Elric, ready and excited to start their career of being paid handsomely with endless freedom to research and travel and do anything they want in the pursuit of science... surprised and confused to find themselves put on probation their first month for things like "ignoring orders." Which is, as best they had thought, a famous Edward Elric pastime.

Roy showing a slight bit of stress about his yearly state alchemist report, and Ed just snorting and rolling his eyes at Roy because every year HE just hastily does his on the train ride over (canon in the manga, a travesty it was left out of the anime) and it gets rubber stamped. Ed not realizing that other alchemists' reports get genuinely scrutinized and torn apart while Ed is free to turn in whatever absolute bullshit he thinks of 36 hours ahead of time. One year his report was about whether alchemy could be done via dance (conclusion: no it can't) and no one cared. Roy WANTS to tell Ed there's some kind of unknown favoritism around Ed making him literally bullet-proof but Roy has no way to phrase this that doesn't sound like he's just in denial and mad at how good Ed's train-reports are.

Guy from the Internal Amestrian Affairs sector who's responsible for auditing other internal military personel for any suspicious activity hitting about 1 million red flags for Edward Elric, issuing a STRONG and URGENT recommendation to suspend the alchemist pending further investigation into things like "literal bunk-buddies with two members of the Xingese royalty (enemy nation)" and "spent $10,000,000 of his stipend on a librarian to make her re-copy (what he seemed to interpret as?) military records in some extremely transparent effort to unearth state secrets (it was a recipe book but he was literally asking her about state secrets)" and "literally has never once obeyed an order, ever, not even once in his career, and is on public record having said 'I do not care about the goals and protections of the Amestrian Military. I am in fact only pursuing my own interests several of which are diametrically opposed to the safety and well-being of the governing body of Amestris'"

The issued recommendation is intercepted before it even reaches its intended desk. President Bradley himself has taken issue with it and denies it before a single set of eyes has seen it. The President's veto stamp is a terrifying hammer, used rarely, and it is now sitting on the auditor's desk.

The auditor sleeps with one eye open from then on out.

[noodles-and-tea]

Very late to the party to say your Gravity Falls/Inside Job fanart is doing numbers in my brain but!! It is doing numbers in my brain!! Reagan interacting with the Pines family is just such a move I’m obsessed.

She has good taste

[nando161mando]

Elon Musk wants your sympathy because he had to pay a whopping 4.5% of his net worth in taxes

[solargeist]

flirting with your enemy out of costume so he doesn't know who you are

[thehecklingmouse]

alhaitham is one of the best characters genshin has ever created solely because he's just some guy. the laziest man you will ever meet in your life overthrew the government because he didn't want to do more work. a+ writing

[ratfromh]

gmans boobjob .or something

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #89

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please enjoy.

Read the rest of Government Man here on Tumblr!

Government Man sat perfectly still in his chair, at his desk, not moving, nor thinking; and barely breathing at that - but he was blinking, so he was most certainly alive.

The pneumatic tube in the corner delivered a canister, and he got up to retrieve it. He opened the canister to see a hand-written (more accurately described as hand-scribbled) note from Boss Man:

“pls see me at my office in ten mintuts”

Since that was not a word, Government Man had no choice but to assume it was a typo and meant to be the word, “minutes.” This was supported by the red squiggly line scrawled beneath it.

Government Woman sat in her chair, too, though her knees were where her head was supposed to be and her head was somewhere in the lap’s normal habitat. She heard the satisfying whoosh of her office’s tube, and fell out of her chair, sliding under her desk. She poked her head up over the edge. Her desk was full of jars with insects and arachnids in them, all living peacefully and in harmony. They were her pride and joy.

She went to the tube and opened her canister, which was much like a jar except without a cool bug in it. Inside was a hand-written note from Boss Man:

“do u like me? circle one - yes no maybe - also come to my office its important”

Both agents arrived at Boss Man’s office at approximately the same time, as Boss Man worked on coloring in a printed-out drawing with crayons. He noticed them come in and quickly hid all evidence of this in his desk drawer, which was full of similar half-colored illustrations.

“Good morning, Government Man. Government Woman.”

“Good Morning, Boss Man,” Government Man replied. “I hope I have not misinterpreted your note.”

Government Woman raised her eyebrows. “Did he send the same note to you, too?”

Government Man disregarded her question. “You did mean ‘ten minutes,’ correct?”

“Of course I did. That is what I wrote, is it not?”

Government Man showed him the paper. Boss Man squinted at it for a moment, then put on his reading glasses.

“Looks fine to me.”

Government Woman took a peek. “That is not how you spell ‘minutes’.”

“But Microsoft Word always corrects it to have the little squiggle line on it.” Boss Man rubbed his chin. “I do not believe you. Anyway, agents, I have an important mission for you today.”

Government Man put the note back in his coat pocket.

Boss Man continued. “There has been a breach at an extra-special-most-top-secret facility and an unknown quantity of government property is unaccounted for.”

Government Woman raised her hand. “How do we know what is missing if the quantity is unknown?”

“Because it is unaccounted for. Pay attention. Every third item is fitted with a tracking device, and all tracking devices point to one warehouse in particular. This means the items have yet to be re-sold on the black market, and they may still be retrieved. Your mission, agents, is to go to this location and secure the materials without looking at them.”

“Without looking at them?” Government Man asked.

“They will probably be covered in a blanket or towel. Nothing to worry about. As soon as you are sure it is safe, send word and some other agents will bring the items back where they belong.”

Government Woman furrowed her brow. “Why must we not look at them?”

Boss Man looked her in the eyes. “I have not been given a reason. Maybe it is because if you look at them, their beauty will make you regret that you are not allowed to have them for yourself.” Tears started forming in his eyes. “Please, agents, go!” He waved them away and began sobbing as soon as GM and GW closed the door behind them.

Government Man quipped, “He sure loves those secret items.”

Government Woman looked at him. “That is none of our business.”

They arrived at the warehouse, over in the industrial district. It was quiet, and seemingly unguarded. Government Man pulled out his gun anyway as they opened the squeaky unlocked side door. Government Woman shined a flashlight inside. The building was packed to the brim with large cylindrical objects, which were covered in blankets just as Boss Man had said they would be.

“Remember, Government Man. We are not supposed to look.”

“Of course,” he said, left hand over his eyes as his right pointed his gun into the warehouse.

Government Woman gently pushed his gun down. “There do not appear to be any enemy combatants. But this is very strange.”

“Why?”

“Exactly. Why? Why steal such large items only to abandon them?”

Government Man peeked through his fingers. “For fun?”

“Hmm.” Government Woman pondered.

A rat scurried by and Government Man immediately fired at it, missing by several yards and instead hitting one of the cylinders. It made a glass-shattering sound.

“Government Man!” GW yelled at him. “Put away your weapon! This is just like at the car wash!”

“Huh?” He scratched his head with the warm barrel of his firearm.

Government Woman took it from him and slammed the door shut. “We will stay out here and call for the moving crew.”

“Okay, I will send the message.”

Inside the warehouse, where it was too dark to see, the cylindrical object which took a bullet leaked a gelatinous blue fluid onto the floor. Even harder to see was the deep red blood swirled into it.

[saphushia]

i am literally sooooo ill about ASL bros fire symbolism/themes all of the time. it drives me fucking bonkers crazy

[lordoftablecloths]

stopkosa.com

change.org petition

more helpful links

[august 2024 update]

KOSA or the Kids Online Safety Act is an Internet bill being pushed by the American government. It claims its purpose is to "protect" kids, but really its methods of enforcing this is mass censorship and control of the Internet. The passing of this bill would lead to LGBTQ+ related information, reproductive healthcare, and other topics that government officials may find "dangerous" to children be restricted or censored.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

In the website linked above, there is a petition you can sign as well as a pre-filled message you can send. You can also write to your representatives, and if you don't want to come up with an entire message, I've attached sample scripts. Also, go to badinternetbills.com for another petition that references similar bills. For more information about KOSA, you can see this article: eff.org/deeplinks/2024/02/don… .

Spread information about this, and do what you can. This bill being passed would mean an era of censorship for the Internet.

[f0point5]

The way this man is the Main Character of this sport without actually putting in any effort needs to be studied

[pendwelling]

Sung Hyunje wants to smash more than just Song Taewon's car...

[thewrittenpodcast]

Harley: is the mafia like... a real thing

Peter: what

Harley: like is it real

Peter: when I tell you i fought a mob boss called Kingpin what did you think I meant?

Peter: a fictional character?

Harley: maybe

Peter:

Peter: harley the mafia is real

Harley: can I meet them

Peter: nO-