#got like 4 hours of sleep from tuesday to wednesday and another like 4 from wednesday to thursday

[mwagneto]

the fucking DAYS I've been having and will continue to have. literally non stop emotional rollercoaster good lord. like i knew wednesday morning - friday evening would be insane but holy SHIT I've aged like 3 years in the past 2 days and im not even through the worst of it. and i have to do all of it on basically 0 sleep

[strstab]

𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 - 𝐣.𝐦

summary ; kie’s fever got to you so jj helps you feel better

pairing ; jjaprilbank x fem!reader

notes ; sick readerrr, bath w jj, besitosssss, body lovin, cuddling, our beloved sock, & tinkerbell 🧚

a/n ; so this was actually meant to be out earlier this morning but then got caught up in a family function.. so sorry abt that. ALSO. i was going to post something tuesday but instead of posting it i accidentally deleted it… so shopping w the girls probably won’t happen 😭

after a sleep over at kie’s last weekend, you’ve felt yourself feeling more like shit by the day. on wednesday you were coughing up a storm and now you couldn’t feel your throat or stop sneezing.

you called off of work right after another restless night. jj was at john b’s and kie was the reason you were sick so you couldn’t hang out with her. you were on your third tinkerbell movie with a pile of tissues next to you.

you tried sleeping the sickness away during the day but even with the large amount drowsiness that was killing you slowly, you kept waking up with the same sore throat that wouldn’t seem to disappear. it had been like that since you were feeling symptoms so now you’ve been sleeping like 4 hours a night. or day.

you blew your nose into the tissue and then threw it into the pile. you felt soft fur rub against your neck which meant your cat had joined you in bed.

“sock, please help me. don’t you have powers to make your dear old mom feel better?” you whined just for your cat to give you a blank stare. you huffed and sat up, stretching your arms. you hadn’t gone up to do anything since the second movie started.

you dragged your feet all the way to the kitchen, grabbing a banana off the counter and peeling it open. you took a big bite as you searched the fridge for something else to munch on. there wasn’t much in it. the last person who did groceries was jj. the only things he usually brought home were beer, hot pockets, cookies, an 8th of weed (which he definitely picked it up from his dealer on aisle 10), and cat food. all of which only lasted a week in your house.

you found a cup of strawberry yogurt and decided to diy your brunch. you grabbed a bowl and poured the yogurt into it, then cutting up the banana you got from the counter and placing the bits into the bowl. ‘what a chef i am’ you thought.

you ate your ‘meal’ over the counter while scrolling through instagram. you were watching an interview from a netflix show when you felt strong arms wrap themselves around your waist, pulling you into their hold. you squealed and looked above to see blonde hair making it’s way to your neck.

wet kisses were placed all over your soft spot. “baby, i’m sickk” you whined pulling away from him.

“i know. and?” he pulled you back, this time holding you tighter.

“i don’t wanna get you sick,” you sniffle and he shrugs. guess getting sick wasn’t a big deal for him. but to be honest, he’s always had a strong immune system.

you were conversing about each other’s day, yours sounding quite boring. he was ranting about how john b wouldn’t let him redecorate the cats ass and how pope smacked the shit out of him while waxing his board.

your responses were short. your throat hurt too much to be talking a lot, so did your stomach to be honest. everything ached. you hopped up from your seat on top of the counter and went to get a bottle of pills. jj watched as you took two pills in your hand and swallowed them with a small cup of water. “what hurts mama?”

“more like what doesn’t hurt.” you sarcastically answered. he stared at you for a minute before smiling and picking you up bridal style. “jj what the hell?!”

your feet were kicking air and your arms wrapped themselves around jj’s shoulders, holding on for dear life. his hand was supporting your back as he made his way to your bedroom.

he placed a kiss on your lips and sat you on the edge of the bed. “did you get any sleep last night?” he asked rubbing the eye bags that were forming below.

you shook your head as he peeped the pile of tissues that sat next to your laptop. “stay right here i’ll be back okay?”

“i mean.. where else would i go” you grumbled as he ran off to the bathroom.

you sat there on your phone, continuously sniffling while he did his thing in the bathroom. quickly after, he ran back out to you and picked you up swiftly, dropping your phone on your bed.

you laughed out loud (lol😜😜😜) as he brought you to the sink in your candle lit bathroom. he stripped you of your clothes, eyes taking in your body that was perfect in every way.

you felt your face heat up when you noticed him, arms quickly trying to cover yourself. “stop staring.”

he chuckled and kissed your lips softly. “just appreciating what’s mine, princess,” he murmured.

you let out a sound of annoyance. “c’mon baby, you know you’re prefect.” he picked you up and placed you in the tub. your muscles immediately relaxed as the heated water touched your skin.

“too hot? cold?”

“‘s perfect, j.” you smiled at his thoughtfulness. he really didn’t have to do this, but it made you happy knowing he cared enough to do so.

everything about the room right now was just calming.

you inhaled the steam and aroma from the cookie scented candle that followed it. as jj massaged your back with soap you let out a hum of pleasure. he peppered kisses on your shoulder and upper back while you relaxed in the water. “mmm, i could fall asleep right now,”

“yeah? seeing how tired you’ve been it seems like you could fall asleep anywhere.”

after your bath you guys cuddled up in bed. his request obv. you protested because you didn’t wanna get him sick but he still didn’t care. he went on a rant while drying you up about how all he wanted to do was be close to you.

so now, you laid head on his chest as his fingers were tangled in your hair. there was still a pinch of guilt in you for having him this close knowing you could get him sick but you couldn’t deny the fact that this felt amazing.

tinkerbell played on the tv instead of the laptop but you weren’t even watching either way. your eyes were half lidded as sleep tried taking you over. you tried fighting it, wanting to appreciate the time you were spending with your boyfriend, but it was winning by a lot.

even though all you were doing was watching a movie in comforting silence, it still meant something to you. so, you wanted to be up for it.

he moved his hand to the side of your thigh and rubbed his thumb against it. “you’re falling asleep on me, love.”

there was no response from you but your eyes were still half open. he patted your side and you perked up. “sorry, what’d you say?”

you felt jj’s chest abruptly shake as he giggled above so you got up fully to look at him. “what’s funny?”

“nothing. just how cute you look half asleep.” he smiled and pushed your head back down to his chest. “jus get rest babe. you need it.”

you buried your face in his hoodie and dozed off while his thumb caressed you softly. maybe all you need was your boyfriend with you to get the rest of a lifetime.

yeah yeahhhh ooohhhhaahahshiegsksba

hey yall. hope u enjoyed thatttt. so if you read my a/n you’d know this was meant to be up earlier this day. (april 1st) but i got caught up in a family reunion kinda thing so yeah..

also i had shopping with the girls (cleo, kie and sarah) in my drafts but i accidentally deleted it bc my fingers tend to touch before reading what it’s going to touch… so yeah that’s gone. -(edit) i tried editing my notes and ALMOST deleted this post too…

y’all know my requests are always open so feel free to request!! or just talk to meee. entertain me guys i’ve been bored

but anyways… i’m cuddling with my cat so i’ll catch you guys laterrrr.

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Best and Worst of Both Worlds (Part 24)

Tw: Yves is fucking fuming, jealous n shit , mentions of cheating, Montgomery being touchy

VOTE BELOW GUYS ONY THE FIRST 20 VOTES COUNTS

part 25

Another day has gone by. You collapsed on your bed again, only to be woken up by Evangeline's incessant calling.

It's morning already? You groaned and kicked your legs in the air, throwing a tantrum that you couldn't sleep in.

You didn't even pick up the phone, you went straight to freshening yourself up. Not realizing that you received a missed call from Yves instead.

--

"Mx. (name), we are here!" You choked on your own snore. You must have fallen asleep in Mr. Jones's car.

You shook your head, muttering thanks as you got out of the car, all bleary and groggy. You skipped breakfast again. The extra meals Yves made all went to your housemate's bottomless pits they called stomachs. You're sure the breakfasts he prepared ahead of time were as delicious as his lunches or dinners, but you couldn't be bothered to eat them. It's not like you're starving in the morning anyway.

Mr. Jones drove off leaving you to yawn and scratch your back in peace.

But you let out a scream when a car blared its horns at you.

You turned around to see Montgomery sticking his head out of his car, holding something in his hands while the other was on his steering wheel.

"Mornin' sweetheart!" He greeted, beckoning you to come closer. "I got ya' breakfast!" He lifted up the paper bag with edible oil stains, and you stared at it.

"C'mon, baby. I ain't got all day." He waved it up and down. You took a couple steps forward and grabbed it with great hesitance.

"Have fun at school today, honey!" He reached out to pinch your cheek. Montgomery gently shook your head by the mass of flesh he was holding. You swatted his hand away, but before you could complain, Montgomery already drove off. Leaving you to eat his dust.

You noted that his car looked a lot better than it was. He had a new paint coat done and his bumper was fixed. How much did Mr. Jones give him?

You sniffed the item he gave you. It smells... greasy.

You opened it to see fried chicken and waffles, neatly wrapped in a piece of baking paper. You noted the lack of drinks, but there was $10 next to it and a note that said:

"4 ur drinks XOXO"

You grimaced, why did let the cash directly get into contact with the food? You picked it out using your thumb and your forefinger, flicking off any maple syrup before walking away.

You pulled your phone out to check the time. You're actually early for once! With half an hour to spare too.

Your eyes then widened at Yves's missed call. He didn't send any good morning texts today.

So you called back as fast as you could. It didn't take more than a few seconds before Yves picked it up. You began apologizing profusely, telling him how busy you were in the last three days.

"Of course you were." He replied, his tone was cold. "I am glad you are enjoying your time with your new... friend."

You scratched the back of your head. He's upset and you don't know what to say. You didn't have to, because Yves continued talking.

"...so much so, that you've been ignoring my texts, my calls... all in favor of Jones's daughter."

You stayed silent and so did he. There was no shuffling of papers, clinking of utensils, or busy chattering in the background. He must be standing or sitting completely still, alone in his hotel room.

That is true. You haven't seen all the pictures he sent from Monday. You remembered you promised to call back on Tuesday, but it's now Wednesday. Radio silence on your part.

You sighed and told him that you were sorry. A sense of deja vu washed over you when you asked how you could make up to him.

You heard something being poured into glassware. There were a few seconds of quietness between you two. You can hear liquid swishing around in a vessel.

You called out for Yves, asking if he's still there.

"I miss you, (name). How could you do this to me?" His voice was softer and slightly wavering.

Guilt stabbed through your chest as soon as his hurt reached your ears. You apologized once more, feeling as if the word had lost its meaning since you used it too much. You asked again, what you could do to make it okay, what could you do to make Yves forgive you.

Silence.

Then more pouring of this mysterious liquid could be heard.

You pulled it away from your ear to look at the time. Three whole minutes of no verbal exchange have elapsed.

You put it back to your ear and called his name.

"(Name), I want you to do something."

You told him, yes, you would do anything.

"Answer my calls, please." You agreed and promised him that you would do that. However, he cut you off mid-sentence.

"I loved hearing you speak about your thoughts. I was heartbroken and bitter beyond belief when you took that pleasure away from me and gave it to Jones's daughter." Yves's voice wasn't raised, but you could hear the venom dripping from it when he referred to Evangeline.

You gave into your reflex to defend yourself, saying that you have a life here, you're swamped by schoolwork, and numerous other changes in your life. So you didn't have enough time or energy to spare telling him all the details.

"Must I remind you that I do not take too kindly to disloyalty? I only have eyes for you, (name). But it seems like you have eyes for someone else."

You let out a gasp and panicked. You assured him that there wasn't anything going on between you and her. She's just your friend, well your only friend so far. You just didn't want to bore her away!

He hummed in response, ominously. You felt like you were in a block of ice, You have never heard Yves sounding this steely.

You were speechless. Yves has nothing to say, but he still wants to be on the phone with you.

"Hello, (Name)!" You inhaled sharply when you saw Evangeline cheerfully greeting you. Her voice is loud enough for Yves to pick up.

He did not say a word, instead, opting to wait and see what you would do for him.

You froze, alternating your gaze between her and the floor and the sky. She looked confused as to why you were freaking out right before her very eyes.

"Is that Sir Yves?" She asked loudly. You pressed your finger to your lips, gesturing her to be silent.

"Is he mad at you, (name)?" This girl cannot read the room! You mouthed at her to go away for a while, you need some privacy with Yves.

"I could talk to him if you want. I'd say I'm a good mediator myself." She smiled and tilted her head to the side.

You looked at the screen. It's deathly quiet, you thought maybe he hung up and you could deal with him later at home. But to your dismay, the call is still going.

"Hi, Sir Yves! This is Evangeline, how was your day?" She tried speaking into the phone, but you pushed her away and said that it wasn't an appropriate course of action.

You took a couple of steps away from her and pressed the phone back to your ear. Yves did not respond to Evangeline's polite yet strange behavior.

You gulped and asked him if he wanted to talk to Evangeline.

"(Name)." He finally spoke. You responded with a 'yes'?

"I want you to think about this from my perspective."

You waited for a few seconds for his next instruction or piece of wisdom.

"Reflect on all the things you did or did not do for me since Monday." Yves gave you a minute to let his words sink into your psyche.

You fidgeted in place uncomfortably, you were definitely neglecting him although he did everything he could to ensure your well-being was taken care of, even if he was a whole continent away from you.

"(name)." He demanded for your attention again. You ensured he knows that you're giving it to him now.

"Think about the reasons behind your recent behavior."

Evangeline. Mostly. You felt the need to please her as your only friend. But your exhaustion was due to Montgomery's antics.

"Think about how I must have felt." You felt the shame sear through your entire being. Yves must have felt betrayed by you. To the point that he thinks you're cheating on him with Evangeline.

You let an apology slip your lips once more. But Yves ignored it and proceeded with his lecture.

"Now, base your answer on what you have gathered." There was a beat of silence.

"Do you think I have any desire to speak to her?" Some hostile inflections within that sentence sent shudders throughout your body. You should choose your words very carefully.

You took a few moments to think over the facts before replying to Yves.

[diazheartsbuckley]

Tease tidbit + WIP Wednesday 🥰

Got tagged by some amazing people for tease tidbit Tuesday (tagging y’all back for wip Wednesday 💗 @wikiangela @watchyourbuck @wildlife4life @forthewolves)

Here’s some cop!Eddie and Doctor!Buck from my current wip, that’s coming more and more together everyday 🥹

How are you holding up? Work’s been busy? Eddie wrote and then fiddled with the tips of his fingers as he waited for Buck’s reply.

Suddenly his phone rang and Buck’s name appeared on the screen which made him pick up almost instantly, Buck’s voice raspy and worn out at the other end of the line.

“Hi” Buck greeted Eddie softly, his eyes barely open as he spoke. Truth be told, he wasn’t even sure how he was holding his phone and talking, that’s how drained his body was but he felt bad about neglecting his and Eddie’s conversations.

“Hi, Buck” Eddie said, a small smile appearing on his face and he could hear in Buck’s voice that he was almost asleep.

“I’m sorry, work’s been so busy. I meant to text you yesterday but then we had a massive car crash coming in and then I was in surgery until morning. I got home at 4 am and I was back at the hospital at 7. And I’ve only been in bed for” Buck moved his phone in front of his face to see what time it was, his vision blurring slightly even as he tried to focus. He managed to make out that it was 9 pm and he brought the phone back to his ear before he spoke again. “It’s only been like an hour, I got home at 7:30. I think I’m so tired that my body is refusing to let me sleep” He chuckled tiredly, which made Eddie do the same.

“It’s okay, I could’ve guessed that you were at work when I haven’t heard from you in this long. Or that you forgot to charge your phone. Don’t worry about it, really it’s fine. You’re out there saving lives, don’t let me get in the way of that” Eddie joked and the line felt silent which made him think that Buck had either fallen asleep or that his phone had lost power.

“I uh-... didn’t save lives actually, not this time. Kid was too far gone” Buck sat up in his bed, his body almost jerking him awake at Eddie’s words and Eddie felt awful for using a joking tone to say it. It wasn’t his first time losing someone but it never felt good. If you start to become okay with losing someone, you need to find another job, his dad had once told him and he made sure to live by that. He made sure to live by a lot of advice that his parents had given him.

“Shit, Buck. I’m sorry, I-...” Eddie didn’t really know what to say because he didn’t know what Buck needed at that moment and he wanted to help him. Or to at least, just talk to him. He just wanted to make him feel better.

“It’s okay, Eddie. I don’t really want to talk about it. Not right now. But you can tell me about your weekend with Christopher, I’d like to hear about that” Buck smiled a little to himself and Eddie’s voice hitched in his throat for a second.

Like.

I like you.

That’s the realization I had this weekend with my son.

Tagging some amazing people!! @disasterbuckdiaz @bucksbirthmark @eddiesbvckley @belovedbuddie @eddiediaztho 💗🦋

[dragoon811]

I have had a shitty week. Can someone manifest me some good vibes?

Sunday started nice. Monday was a holiday (Family Day) so I got some extra weekend. I was looking forward to it - then Elder Child crawled into my bed just past midnight with a fever.

Monday she stopped eating after lunch (two bites of banana), but was drinking water.

Stayed home Tuesday to help her combat the fever. Wednesday morning she had no fever so my daycare lady was able to take her and I went to work. She kept me updated etc all day.

My gut didn’t like how much she was sleeping so after work I decided to take Elder Child to the children’s hospital. Convinced my husband to pack me a bag, thinking they’d throw Tylenol at us and we’d sit in the waiting room for 8 hours to be told it’s an ear infection/sinus infection…. But I got home to her and her fever returned. (And my period started. JOY.)

Loaded her into the stroller, threw myself in, and off we went! Waited in line at triage.

Triage called us, we weighed her, we talked. And I said I was concerned because she hadn’t eaten, the fever was back, my sister was diabetic and I was starting to worry because when she was sleeping I couldn’t rouse her easily, and her breath smelled and basically asked them to check her blood sugar.

So they did. (This was NOT an enjoyable experience for Elder Child.) it was at 2 - new to how Canadians measure shit, I’m really glad the little screen added in red: “CRITICAL LOW”.

The nurse made a phone call and stressed, surprised, that Elder Child was alert.

Upon the second attempt at a reading because it was low, Elder Child was more prepared. She kicked, she fought, she puked all over herself, and bolted for the emerge doors.

Ok. Skip a second test. (Note: I did not pack spare clothes.)

We were taken right back to a room in the emergency wing. Unsettling.

Then a flurry of people - a lady trying to help Elder Child adjust and calm down. Nurses. Doctors asking questions. (Another note - I have not slept well in 2 weeks, am hearing impaired, and now overwhelmed and scared. Not a good combo.)

Gave Elder Child a nasal spray to calm her (this resulted in another bolting for freedom, also thwarted), another blood check….and once the spray started to work, we tried to prep her for an IV/blood draw.

This was ALSO strongly disliked. More holding her down. I did a lot of crying.

We went through the symptoms - tummy hurting, drinking some water but hadn’t peed in like 6-7 hours, fever, sleeping constantly, not eating. Ended up doing ultrasound, X-ray. Ten bottles of blood (and she FREAKED). Finally got her to pee. Yes, she peed on me.

Refused food. Refused popsicles. Refused juice. Started IV - first sugar bolus. Then hydration. We named the IV robot Frank. Elder Child, loopy from the spray, patted it and told it it was doing a good job. Also, during our walk to ultrasound, said she was Frank’s pet puppy and he was taking her for a walk, see her leash? 😅

Spent the night. (Another note: my daycare kept her sister until bedtime. And we arranged to take her as soon as she woke up because we cannot trust my husband with her care.) Lots more holding her down and blood checks.

Also please note: Elder Dragoon wails and screams when distressed. She was very distressed. I felt really sorry for the staff because I couldn’t calm her.

In the morning she managed to eat a bit! Yay! Tried to disconnect the iv - sugar went down. Hooked her back up. Spent the day trying to get her to drink 100ml of apple juice.

Ended up discharged at almost 4pm - diagnosis: fever, causing hypoglycemia. Apparently kids don’t have as much stores as adults and the fever was burning through what she DID have.

So I spent today waking her every 4 hours and getting her to eat or drink. It took her an hour to drink half a juice box. But by dinner today she was improved and actually had food. And accepted popsicles.

Still have to get her eating or drinking again in about 20min. Then set the timer back.

I just want a full REM cycle of sleep. I am SO fucking tired.

[theretirementstory]

Bonjour à tous, it is 16c out there and feeling fresh but for me that is much better than the heat that we have had. One good thing about the “chaleur” is that it can produce some stunning “orages” (thunderstorms), like the one Thursday into Friday it seemed to go on for such a long time, with the sky lighting up wonderfully and the thunderclaps not too frightening.

It seems to have been a long week, I was up early to go to hospital on Monday. The taxi picked me up at 7am 😳 and we had to pick up another person so our journey took us on a road I had never been on. We went through villages and lovely countryside before arriving in the village which has the local attraction “Nigloland” a theme park which some say is better than Disneyland. It’s smaller, has less crowds and still plenty to entertain all ages.

I had two transfusions, the first was fine but the second made me really cold and I began trembling uncontrollably, guess the nurses have seen it all as they were not concerned by it. Then it was sleep time as I was to wake up at 4am (yes really) get dressed, have breakfast and be in a taxi by 5am! I was being taken to Paris to have the next stage of my treatment, unfortunately due to lack of “chunky” veins in my arms I was sent back to the hospital in Troyes to have a catheter fitted in my groin and the following day was a repeat of the previous one except with the catheter they were able to extract my cells for freezing. I will add that the journey time to Paris is about 2.5 hours one way! The second day I was in an ambulance, on a stretcher, facing the wrong direction which really did mess with my head! However it’s over and done with now, just have to prepare myself for 4 weeks in hospital from 30 August 😳.

I always think of Shildon in Co. Durham as my “hometown”, known as “the cradle of the railways”, I am interested in the history of this mode of transport, architecture is another interest so as you can imagine seeing the stunning railway stations in Paris, of which the above photo of the Gare de Lyon, is one. On the return journey on Wednesday, safely ensconced on my stretcher, I saw two huge columns with figures on top. Unable to take a photo 😡 I was keen to find out what they were. They were the Throne Tollgate on the Place de I’lle de la Réunion. As we drove further away from the columns, I looked up and in the far distance, between the columns was the Eiffel Tower, how I wished I could have “snapped” that picture!

Monique celebrated her birthday on Friday but unlike last year I was unable to visit her. However, she is coming to see me on Tuesday to help me get ready for my month “away”. I have been washing, cleaning, cooking, relaxing and reading. Trying my best to keep everyone “up to date” on what is happening. I had planned to cut the grass when I got home from hospital but I hadn’t factored in the catheter and the oncologist said definitely no mowing. Monique had said she would do it but I asked my neighbour who is only too happy to help me out.

Anie, messaged yesterday, asking if I would like some vine peaches, having had some from her before I was pleased to accept, she arrived with a little posy of flowers from her garden, two small courgettes and the vine peaches. She is coming back this afternoon to have tea and cake.

So now to the favourite part of this blog for “The Daddy”, it’s my music choices, the first one this week was a Eurovision winner for Luxembourg in 1972. The title was “Apres toi” sung by Vicky Leandros. If I remember rightly after she was announced the winner she sang the song in English (don’t quote me on that) it was released as “Come What May”.

The second song is from way back in 1967, gosh can I remember that far back, yes I can and I have loved this song since I first heard it, it’s “The Letter” by The Box Tops.

It’s a Bank Holiday on Monday in the UK and my gorgeous grandchildren are spending the weekend with “The Daddy”.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has been visiting relatives, reading, relaxing as well as working at home. I hear he has two terracotta planters exactly the same as two I have here. They will look good in the garden, maybe they have the hydrangeas in already 🤔.

Now I really must pack my case, and prepare the house for my absence.

Jusqu’à la semaine prochaine.

[kelleah-meah]

How I spent my 2023 Summer Solstice celebration

As expected, my plans for celebrating midsummer didn't pan out as I thought they might. But that doesn't mean that I didn't have a good summer solstice.

I'm technically still celebrating, but I have to balance it with a substantial to-do list over the next 3 days. Sooooo ... business as usual. 😉

On a slightly serious note, part of my physical recovery journey has been to learn to let go and let things flow as they may. So if my plans don't develop as I hoped, I've learned that they will develop at a pace that is meant for me. #slowliving

Anyway, back to what I got up to for June 21st:

Now to be fair, this photo was from Tuesday, when I made honey cakes for the holiday. The cakes didn't turn out as sweet as I would've liked, but it was still nice to take a moment and bake something from scratch.

So I made the honey cakes the day before, which left my schedule open a bit for Wednesday morning. With that in mind, I was lucky enough to catch the sunrise on the East Coast at 5:25am. And it was glorious! Seriously, my photos don't do it any justice.

After I finished oohing and aahing, I took my butt back to bed since I'm still on short-term medical leave and I didn't have to go into work this week.

That extra hour or two of sleep coupled with the hour or so of reading fanfiction (it was Leverage fanfic, in case you were wondering), gave me a wonderfully even tempered morning that I really appreciated. Then, it was off to getting ready for the day, chatting with my mom on the phone, and preparing for a work-related Zoom call.

Before my call, I managed to have just enough time to cook a mushroom omelette to pair with my toast and morning tea. After the call, I gave myself the space to sit down, meditate, read from the Tao, and do an annual Summer Solstice tarot reading. I thought the messaging was quite honest.

Here's what it told me:

What should I leave in the darkness with this solstice? 7 of Wands

What new beginning is waiting for me this summer? Page of Cups

What can I find joy in this season? 4 of Cups

What is the general theme of this season for me? The Hermit

How can I celebrate and enjoy this solstice? Temperance

A message from my guides and mother earth. 7 of Cups

Afterwards, I did a little housecleaning and took care of a few bills, because getting my finances and house more in order were a part of my new year's resolutions.

Then came lunch ...

It was nothing fancy, but I liked it and it was homemade.

I enjoyed a fresh spinach salad with tomatoes and mushrooms, pasta with basil and diced tomatoes, a honey cake, and fresh lavender lemonade.

Afterwards, I took a much-needed nap. And followed that up with a walk to the park as the sun was slowly setting.

Then came cooking dinner and watching a much-maligned film while I ate it. The film was Supernova starring James Spader and Angela Bassett. And yes, it was indeed ... not good. Solid cast though. Robert Forster, Lou Diamond Phillips, Wilson Cruz and Robin Tunney. But yeah, it wasn't good. James Spader looked really hot though. And of course, Ms. Bassett looked amazing.

Anyway, for dessert, I also enjoyed another honey cake, but this time I mixed it with chopped pineapple to help sweeten the confection. I think it turned out pretty well. Or at least, it's how I'm going to eat the rest of them going forward.

The pineapple also corresponds with the colors of the solstice, I think. So yay me for staying on theme. 🤗

By then, I was pretty tired and decided to call it a night. I didn't have the energy to read, dance or paint, but that's ok. As I said before, let it go and let it flow.

And that's how I celebrated the summer solstice. 🌻

[gwydionmisha]

Personal:  Spoonie Life

I was worried enough about the state of my lungs to call it in first thing Monday morning.  I was still testing negative for COVID, but my immune system can't fight it's way out of a wet paper bag and I catch anything and everything.  I got the usual lung doctor, which is a massive help, on Tuesday morning, which was when they could squeeze me in.  My file is basically the medical equivalent of war and Peace and having a person up on it who had been in close contact with my much missed already GP is a huge help.  I get treated like an adult who is an expert on my own body instead of having to fight foe the basics.  She knows how seriously I take antibiotics.  Trusty me, it was a relief to see her.

So we did the usual routine tests.  I am negative for COVID and the currently dominant strains of Influenza which is very helpful to know, but not surprising with my vaccine status.  I was actually feeling better at this point.  We set up the standard contingencies.  We generally do this 4-6 times a year.  I'm hard to diagnose because of the stunning collection of things wrong with me as a baseline.

They also took five vials of blood as part of my routine monitoring, which I need for the new GP In April.  new is a relative term here.  If I am remembering names correctly, I think he's the guy who's been subbing in for emergencies when my doctor ius off for years, but I am bad at names, so it's possible I'm wrong.  Anyway, they need to test a tone of things every year unless my numbers are bad and then i do an extra three vials at the half year.

This literally took all morning and I was running on about 3 1/2 hours sleep, plus the draws always take a lot out of me.  I got another 3-4 hours sleep before the alarm.  The trip to the bathroom at that point was so debilitating, that there was nothing for it but to rest and try again in another hour.  My body really, really thought lying still all evening was a good idea, but I'd promised squirrel laundry, assorted plants and animals rely on me to look after them, and I'd an online commitment that was important, plus other assorted things needing doing like eating, lungs, and assorted small household things.

I did all those things, but getting up was very much a mistake.  I basically spent all evening struggling and mostly failing to keep water and meds down, so that was.... not good.  As of Wednesday evening, I'm still futzing with laundry from yesterday.  *fingers crossed that my body is stabilizing*  

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Dream Diary

Hello.

I am a person just like you. I won’t tell you my name, age, sexual orientation, or where I’m from, but I do want to tell you a few things about me.

The thing is I am a person, just like you. Well, not exactly like you. What sets me and you apart is my photographic memory. I discovered it when I was a kid, because every time my parents asked me about an event that happened in my life, I just seemed to remember every detail of it. It just occurs naturally, like remembering how many steps I took yesterday, or memorizing the tracking numbers of the items I ordered online. But something that has been a passion of mine is dreams –knowing if my photographic memory works in dreams. What? You don’t believe me? Fine. I’ll write down my dreams and thoughts to prove it. It might also help me learn more about myself—what’s been boggling me and if my unique skill can help with it.

Are you ready to know them?

Here we go:

Saturday, October 8

11:46 PM I dreamt about my life as a college student. I feel anxious. I feel nervous. Although I already feel ready for college life, mine won’t start till next year.

Sunday, October 9

12:19 AM Something’s on my mind. I’m sweating bullets and I have never felt this feeling before. What if I don't get accepted into my dream college? What if I regret the courses that I picked? Who will be my friends? Will I even have friends? There’s a hundred thousand questions running through my brain. I hope I can still sleep tonight.

12:43 AM How many schools should I apply to again? 1? No, that’s probably too risky. But I would be mistaken to think of it as just a game. That’s right, at least 4 schools have opened their gates for brand new students. I think I’ll try all of them.

1:06 AM I think I will start praying again, and I’ll pray like I’ve never prayed before.

Monday, October 10

12:06 AM The most remarkable dream happened tonight, and it was filled with trains and robots. I was at a train station with my friend, and we were running away from something. I don't know what it was, but my friend was yelling, “We have to get away before it kidnaps us!” We bolted inside the next bullet train that stopped by, and we went on our way to escape. It sounds like a good science fiction/action movie in my opinion.

12:18 AM I remember my dream friend’s name: Monte. While we were on the train, he told me that he used to work for a company that develops artificial intelligence in hopes that it will help people in their everyday lives. But things changed when the company experimented on combining humans and robots (they’re called man-droids/robot-men) to the point that they had to kidnap people because nobody was willing to volunteer for trials. He said that we’re lucky to escape, but warned that they’re always watching.

1:15 AM I can remember waking up in a bed with strobe lights (this is different from the first dream that I had). I was in an apartment with a great view of the city skyline. It just stops there.

Tuesday, October 11

12:00 AM “Will you take this man as your loving husband, and promise to cherish your love forever?” “I…I do—” “STOP THE WEDDING!”

12:46 AM Something has been boggling me. Social issues. Why am I thinking about it in my sleep? My brain can’t comprehend all of this.

12:48 AM Update: It’s 2022, why are there still people with big egos? Grow up please, don’t act like you’re always the center of attention when you’re in public.

1:14 AM Do I know someone named Bobby? Or is it spelled like Bobbie? I think he was my neighbor who moved out three years ago because of divorce.

No, I think it’s the pizza delivery rider.

2:23 AM Another thing on my mind: it’s 37 minutes before the witching hour. I have to sleep now or I will get nightmares.

Wednesday, October 12

12:09 AM What’s a good isekai anime name? I think it should be creative and crazy at the same time.

12:30 AM Ok, I have narrowed it down to two titles: That Time I Got Reincarnated as A Human to Go Outside for the First Time During the Pandemic and That Time I Got Reincarnated to Write A Story About Why Pineapple Belongs on Pizza. They both sound familiar, I can’t put my finger on it as to why.

1:46 AM I dreamt about something that felt important. I saw a star. It was up on a mountain very far away from where I was. Something (or someone) told me that it was my destiny to capture the star and protect it. But they also told me that a lot of other people want it too. Some of them are stronger, smarter, and faster than me. I didn’t know who these people were, but I had to accept the challenge and I manifested it in me that I would be the one to get that star.

Thursday, October 13

12:02 AM I have been thinking about the dream I had yesterday. What did it mean? Why did I dream about it? Is it some sort of symbolism of the events happening in my life? I will not lie, it is a very good dream, but something tells me that my mind has a message for me, and I just cannot interpret it properly.

12:55 AM I dreamt about… John Krasinski? Why was I dreaming about him? This is a first for me.

12:58 AM Update: I think I was dreaming about John Krasinski and Emily Blunt. I think I’m still amazed to this day that they’re husband and wife. But every time I see John Krasinski by himself, I would never think that Emily Blunt is his wife. And every time I see Emily Blunt by herself, I can never tell that John Krasinski is her husband. I know I have photographic memory, but why do I have to keep reminding myself about it? That part makes me laugh.

(I will say though, John Krasinski is a good-looking man. Emily is lucky that she married a guy like him.)

1:21 AM I dreamt about two queens on a stage standing before me. I said that it was their last chance to impress me and the judges in order to stay in the competition. I wished them good luck, and hoped that they would not mess it up.

Friday, October 14

12:07 AM Yesterday I wished at 11:11 pm, hoping that I would pass all of the college entrance exams that I will take. I also wished for more blessings for my family. I hope it works.

12:27 AM Just like Doctor Strange, I have been thinking about all of the possible paths that would shape my college life. A lot really depends on which university I will go to: the course that I will take and the people that I will meet. But my intuition tells me that the one path I hope to take will be traveled, and I know my intuition is always right.

1:44 AM Ducks. I just spent 30 minutes dreaming about them. I found out that it is better to raise ducks when they are in a group, as they are social animals.

I think that’s cute. Quack quack.

2:18 AM Since it is almost the weekend, I get the chance to stay up late and sleep whenever I want. But I have to be prepared because next week is the most stressful week I will face (so far).

It is the calm before the storm.

Saturday, October 15

12:03 AM Someone just spoke to me. They did not have a face, so I will just classify them as an entity. This entity said that I have been brave this week. Why? Because I faced all my fears that I knew past me would never try to dive into. They knew that a lot of emotions were being expressed, and they thought that I, a nobody, could be so stressed and happy (and sad and energetic) at the same time. They were so proud of me. But alas, this is only a dream, although I think I can recall this scene from Detroit: Become Human.

12:59 AM Quack quack. Quack quack. (Note: I’m sorry, I can’t stop dreaming about ducks.)

Well, I can conclude that all of my dreams and thoughts this week have been….interesting, to say the least. I guess college admissions really stressed me out. Could I possibly have been a duck in my previous life? Wouldn’t that be funny? A duck with photographic memory quack quack —Anyway, I hope that I proved you wrong, dear reader. Dreams can be remembered, and it just goes to show that every dream is different depending on what you were feeling before you slept. On that note, I think you should try and take note of what you're dreaming about, and then look back on it the next day.

Until then, I will see you soon. It was nice talking to you.

[purpldove134]

7 months ago...

(I'm in the middle of writing this and want to say that the exact details of the order of events might be a bit wrong, but not in a way that matters so it doesn't really matter)

... I finally replaced my bed. My old one was one of those couch-bed hybrids and the springs were broken or something because it had a depression where I would sleep.

Then, I put half the money and dad the other half (I think I bought the mattress and him the frame, it was around 50/50 either way I think, he paid a little more maybe? I don't remember exactly) to buy myself a new bed.

We went to the store Sunday (maybe Saturday?) and took the bed home, and placed it in the living room, planning to build it next weekend.

I didn't tell anyone but I had my 2nd set of mock exams the following week (they were useless, trust me) so I had those Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, Monday and Tuesday I had regular school. So Wednesday I finished the exam, went home and watched YouTube the rest of the day or whatever, then Thursday I finished the exam, went home and DAD'S CAR IS THERE. It kinda sucked because I was a few hours earlier than I was supposed to be home, since the exam is only 3 hours, but luckily since it was the end of the year I could just say I had useless classes the rest of the day so we asked if we could go home.

So I go though the gate, my old bed was already burning and he was taking out the last pieces of it. We talked a bit and then I changed, ate, and helped him move my desk and closet, and put tape and cover the floors so we could paint the walls. It was nice! We painted the first layer and then he said that he'll paint the 2nd when I'm at school the next day. He ended up painting it that night alone and then did a 3rd layer the next day.

Friday, I finished exam, but I had to pick up the robe afterwards, so I stayed more than the 3 hours, which was fine because he thought I had regular school! It wasn't completely fine tho, because yesterday was so much fun! I almost felt bad not going home quicker and left him on his own but I couldn't leave. After an hour or something the robes finally came, and I went home. I showed him my robe, but he was already drunk, I think he drank a little the previous day too but he was probably more drunk in that moment than he was any time during the previous day. He took a picture to show mom and then I changed, ate and got to work on the bed!

So, one thing about dad is that he works really slow, he takes his sweet time with EVERYTHING, and it can get kinda annoying sometimes, but it's fine because I was spending time with him. So we gather the pieces and take them to my room to build the frame, it took a while, and if I wasn't there he would have done it wrong but we finished putting the 4 main planks together in... like 3 hours! WORLD RECORD TIME! It really didn't help he would go every 20 minutes to have another drink, getting drunker each time. It also didn't help that he would talk about me having sex on the bed CONSTANTLY, not in a Freudian way if that makes sense, but it was still weird because this is your child you're talking about.

Then, sister gets home from college, he keeps talking about sex with her there, even asks her if she thinks it'll happen or some shit??? When we're alone I tell her it's been happening all day and she tells me that he's drunk and to just ignore him. Fine, I was doing that anyway.

Ok, The day is over, I forget how much we managed to do but we didn't finish it yet. I don't remember if I slept on it that night, but I don't think so.

Saturday, I get up, eat, and continue building the bed! And dad, since he drank so much yesterday, started drinking again! So he wouldn't get hangover I guess. He keeps talking about sex, constantly, while I uncomfortably try to get him to not do anything stupid and ruin the frame. Half a day later, IT'S DONE! finally! Would have taken less if I just built it on my own but whatever, it's a bonding experience! But the day isn't over, so we go outside and he decides to burn the bed pieces that remained (we used stronger wood for the thing the mattress stays on because my sister's broke after a year or something). So we do that, and he decided to burn everything! Well all the trash I mean, so we went in his shed and threw everything out that he didn't need anymore. So there's a nice fire going on in the background.

Next, he sees there's some paint left and it would dry if we didn't use it so we painted the chicken coup door and the door to his shed, well half the door because we ran out of paint, well a quarter of the door since it was a double door.

This might have happened before we painted I don't remember but he randomly said "It doesn't matter if mom doesn't come back, because we can just call Wife Swap and they'll give us a new one, right?" (For context, mom is working outside of the country, and Wife Swap is a tv show where two families switch wives/moms and they have to learn to live together). That came out of NOWHERE, it hadn't even been a possibility for me that mom wouldn't come home. In the moment I thought he meant if she got hurt? or something but considering the divorce... he probably knew something or other, I just give a little "yeah". Fine, he's drunk whatever, he made a dumb joke, except he says it again, and again and AGAIN. I don't even remember how many times he said it, he just kept repeating it. One time I tried to play along and said something like "you need to give them back a wife too" and he just looked at me without saying anything. Didn't laugh at my joke ): .

Ok so, we paint the door, and it's getting dark, like dark enough where you can't see in front of you. Dad is probably drunk enough that he's not gonna remember anything past this point, and I sit outside with him so he doesn't throw himself in the fire or whatever dumb stuff goes though his head while drunk. And something dumb does go though his head... (for context again, around this time my dog gave birth and we were keeping the puppies in this doghouse so they'd be nice and cozy) he said "What if I throw the whole doghouse in the fire" (implying that the dogs are still inside) I don't say anything for a few seconds and he follows up with "No, God would strike me down if I did" REALLY? THAT'S THE THING THAT'S KEEPING YOU FROM DOING IT? Like if he wasn't ""religious"" would he do it? I get it was an intrusive thought, I get those too, but afterwards I just go "wow that'd be fucked up to do", because it is fucked up, and it's fine because it's intrusive and you won't act on it!

Of course, he keeps repeating it, followed by "God would strike me down", is it even intrusive at that point? Sister was studying in her room the entire time but she had some soup cooking so she came outside to check on it, and he also told her the joke. She responded "You're drunk, dad". He didn't take this well, he just sat down on a chair and was like "I'm never drinking again" I sat next to him and he went on "To be told by your own daughter to never drink again" she didn't say that but whatever, "she got upset at me cause she really thought I'm throwing the dogs in the fire" she didn't.

I don't really remember anything past this point, I think he asked me about porn or something? I just left after that. The next day we went to church and he bought a can of beer after we left.

I know this isn't the most interesting or traumatic thing to happen when someone's dad is drunk but this really changed my opinion of him, he hasn't gotten that drunk since but he has picked up smoking. IDEK, I didn't do anything today so might as well write this,

[gaybd1]

Making a note of my mental health this week and also reflections of past situations for accountability and documentation purposes

So this is for me but also insight from yall is welcome

This time

Felt weird toward the end of last week

Normal happy Saturday, 25k bike ride and hang with friends

13-15 hours of sleep Sunday. Up at 1pm, then a crazy long dog walk then tutoring and back to bed

Little sleep Sunday night

Monday

Woke up early, wide awake, worked and immediate biked 40k home FAST. THEN did yoga for an hour, walked the dog, showered, cleaned the house. Flossed my teeth for the first time in forever? Got in bed at 1am

6-7 hours of sleep Monday night but slept through the night. Felt fine waking up early

Tuesday

Walked 8.5km through the rain to work. Went home after, wore shorts all day and didn’t even know it was cold out until I saw the temperature at the park

Didn’t settle in bed until 1 or 2am and I tried at 1 to deep clean the bathroom but didn’t have the right stuff

Honestly I was fatigued randomly throughout the day before it went away

Tuesday night. 7? Hours of straight sleep, woke up early again feeling great

Wednesday

Cycled 15km to work Wednesday, tried to be self aware and keep it slow. I was still super fast

Ate something weird and crazy for lunch, realized halfway through I would never normally choose that, then couldn’t finish

Started vaping again

Tired afternoon

Dinner with strangers (pre-planned) - alcohol on a weekday??? Got a little buzzed (I like never drink)

Wide awake at night

Cycled home

I foresee another late night

Typical high mood

Energy (buzzing), less sleep (6-7 hours?) no need for caffeine

Adventurous (trying new foods)

Exercise (always overdoing it, never tired)

Less pain

Can be impulsive/stupid (smoking, one or two times drugs, ignoring weather conditions, once I went off my meds)

Going out more

One time I wrote 100k words in a month. I don’t usually write

One time I went on a 75km bike ride just out of the blue?

In the spring I heard voices

Usually lasts a couple weeks every 4-6 months?

Possibly getting worse over time but maybe I’m just more aware

Low (“normal”?) mood (bc I take antidepressants?)

Need 8-9+ hours of sleep to function AND lots of caffeine to get through the day

Don’t go out, spend free time in bed

MRT to work (Uber on worst/painful days)

Just numb during the worst times, dissociating

Lots of pain (fibro, migraines)

ARFID acts up (at worst I can’t eat at all)

Worst times last 1-2 weeks?

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, MARCH 24, 1991 God, I wish moving day would hurry the fuck up and arrive. 8 more days!

I spoke to Andy last night. He’s really happy. He says it’s beautiful and that there are so many stores, and everything’s cheaper, including a movie theater with current movies that only cost a buck. He also says that even though Phoenix is a huge city, it’s spaced out so you don’t feel claustrophobic. He says maybe I’ll be out there sooner than I think, and says he misses me. I miss him, and Donna sounds really nice. I had spoken to her here before Andy left. Her mother Diane sounds nice, too. He says there are tons of singing contests and that no doubt talent agents go there and there are 22 gay bars. Can you imagine 22 gay bars?

I’m so psyched to move, but wanting to be what I want to be means I’m gonna need to get out of the area in a few years. I don’t want to ever have to say goodbye to Kim, either. Or Steve. Steve sounds really eager to check out Deerfield for himself too, after I told him all about it.

Kim’s so in love with me. I mean really. She told me how she had another wet dream about me, but she really is sincere and true straight from the heart. Even though I’m not sexually attracted to her she’s so right as a person. That’s the way it always works. Sexual attraction may be forbidden, but no more settling! I’ve done that for 25 years. If not getting someone who I’m attracted to inside and out means being alone, I’ll be alone. Plus, why get what I want for just 2 or 3 weeks?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20, 1991 I feel shitty, so I’m not going to write much. I couldn’t fall asleep till almost noon yesterday and I had to get up at 6:00 and then an hour later I went grocery shopping. I have felt very groggy all day. Or night, I should say.

Kim called about a vacancy next door to her. She’s going to talk to the owner, but it’ll no doubt be too expensive.

I’m dead tired so I’m going to bed now.

TUESDAY, MARCH 19, 1991 Now I’m even more pissed than I was last night as these antibiotics are like speed. I’ve only slept 2 hours in 30 hours. I just spoke to Kim about it and I think Andy tried to call me this morning. I know he called Brenda but when he called me, I never got to the phone in time. It turned out that Kim wouldn’t have been able to come down last Saturday anyway. I pray I don’t sleep too late tomorrow. I need food, then Wed. I see Martha.

Kim is such a super person. I’m so grateful for her helping me take care of this infection, getting me out of Crack Alley and much more. I told Kim about my ear surgery on building my outer ear and about going to Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary 3 years ago. I told her how the chief of ear surgery took CAT scans which they didn’t have when I was little, and determined that if he opens the closed-up opening, I should hear. I also told her the operation never got done as no one wanted to bother taking me and I didn’t want to disrupt their lives. There’d be a few visits besides the operation itself and several follow-ups. I explained I was too chicken to go alone and didn’t have the money for all these bus tickets back and forth from Boston. Also, the hospital people would never let me go home by bus after having major head surgery. Lastly, I told her with mom being 1400 miles away and Tammy with 3 kids, a husband and a business, there was no help there, either.

She was just as thrilled at the thought as I was even though I tried to block it all out of my mind. I tried telling myself I was born partially deaf, stay that way, it’s nothing new. Her eyes watered as well as mine and she half begged, half demanded she take me through this operation maybe this summer. She said it would thrill her and make her just as happy.

Also, she said I’m stuck with her no matter what. That’s ok with me as she’s one in billions of decent people I can ever get. I told her 3 or 4 years ago, she’d have run like hell and she said, “You never know. You may have been surprised.”

MONDAY, MARCH 18, 1991 Boy, am I pissed at myself and frustrated in general. I just can’t kick my schedule back on days. Bill’s coming tomorrow and I need to go do some food shopping. Also, I want to see Jessie before I leave to get my bathing suits back and see if she wants Toffee. I’m sick of taking care of him. Besides that, I have not seen Jessie or her son in ages.

Both Kim and Andy probably aren’t too happy as I was sleeping when they were due to call.

Yesterday I woke up after 4 hours with an attack. It’s always 4 hours after going to sleep. I woke up mega congested and was so bloated that I could say I was 4 months pregnant and be believed. So, Kim called on her break and came and brought me to the ER.

The doctor I liked took care of me in Fast-Track as the main ER room was swamped. Even though she’s married, me, Kim and several others who work there feel she’s bi. She drops enough hints anyway with the way she was looking at me and asking me all kinds of questions about my being gay with utter interest and fascination. She even told me she liked my underwear. Thought they were quite cute.

My problem turned out to be not a yeast infection but rather a urinary tract infection and I let it go too long. That’s why the congestion never got any better. When you have two different infections and you take medicine that kills only one of them, the other one worsens while the first infection comes back. She gave me Seldane to take along with my Theodur and an antibiotic called Bactrim and crotch cream to ease the irritation.

I received a check from fuel assistance for $488.

I really want to get a new stereo, but first I’ve got to start getting boxes.

Kim came over after Friendly’s, after the ER and took back with her some packed boxes. She was supposed to bring them back over and get more stuff when I fucking overslept.

SUNDAY, MARCH 17, 1991 Well, Andy’s now in New Mexico and will be arriving in Phoenix tomorrow. I haven’t spoken with him since he left on March 12th except for last night. He either calls collect or I call him since it’s Kevin’s problem. I don’t know if I remembered to write about that or not but when Andy was here, he got the phone put in that name and he gave a phony social security number.

When I move the phone will be under Maria S and it’ll be listed. My monthly charge will be $16 and whatever cents. I will not have call-waiting as that has become a major annoyance. Especially if I’m talking long distance or having a serious talk and don’t care to be interrupted. Call-forwarding I don’t need as Kim and I plan to keep our front doors open, therefore, I’ll hear my phone if it rings. I can live without 3-way calling for a while. In Deerfield, they only have pulse dialing anyway.

When I went to call the phone company here in Springfield, they insisted on speaking only to dear old Kevin himself. So I called Hank, my old neighbor from Oswego St., to be Kevin and he did.

I have arranged for Nervous to collect my final bill and either ditch it or keep it. Of course, he’ll keep it. Of course, he’ll probably open it and read it, but that’s fine with me.

Nervous hasn’t gotten his butt up here yet as he’s been working almost 70 hours a week. He says he will as soon as he finds the time. Also, he sounds impressed by Deerfield and my new apartment. I wish Feinstein’s and the Bucket of Cruds would fire him till April 1st.

I have had some very pleasant talks with Mary who still feels bad about what she did. She should, too. I told her that after what happened I was tempted to go to her workplace and make mincemeat out of her there, but didn’t want to get jumped by lots of people who worked there or were customers. I also didn’t want to get arrested either. She said, “I don’t blame you.”

SATURDAY, MARCH 16, 1991 Since I haven’t written in a while, I shall update the last two subjects I wrote about. First of all, I guess there isn’t an arrest warrant out for me. It’s really weird, though, as I came home one afternoon and found a subpoena shoved under my door. It said I must go to court on March 21st. That’s crazy as I never knew they gave you second chances. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do about it, but I sure as hell ain’t worried. Nor do I really give a damn as again, Jenny got what she deserved.

As far as Brenda goes, I did not speak to her for a few days after she snapped me out, but after that, we had some decent talks. She said it’s the coke that’s screwing her up and ruining her life. I admire the fact, once again, that she can admit she’s got a problem but I don’t want to be involved with her cuz of it. Also, the fact that I’m not attracted to her and that she’s not my type still stands. I guess I can now understand some of those that dumped me all the while saying I wasn’t a bad person. I’m not a bad person, just not their type. I just want to be alone more than ever for 10,000 reasons. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, though. Me, myself, and I make a great team.

So, my other news is that Andy left on March 12th. I feel he took a great piece of me with him. I feel alone. I miss him. However, I’m happy for him at the same time. Also, I’ve had a lot of problems with him so I’ll enjoy the break from that.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6, 1991 Well, now there’s a warrant out for my arrest (I think). I wonder if sweet little Jenny will call me about it. Oh well. When I’m ready to take care of it I will.

I am now at CC waiting for Martha. I took the bus here as I am in no mood to associate with Brenda. She’s doing everything I used to do which I haven’t done for many months. She pushes me away and she takes her anger out on me and it all always comes down to sex. She said she wanted to make love to me one more time before I move. I told her I didn’t feel it would be a good idea cuz of how she always says she’s all or nothing. She says she can’t have sex every now and then. She says it’s for memories and that she’s not asking for sex once a week. I told her again, as a reminder, I broke it off with her cuz I felt I wasn’t what she wanted and that we didn’t have enough in common. I also told her I felt it was the right thing to do. It’s happened to me so much and it happens to everyone else all the time, too. This is the 90s. So, last night she was grouchy and she snapped at me.

My hatred towards people only continues to grow and grow. I’m sick of people!

MONDAY, MARCH 4, 1991 I got that apartment!! It’s gorgeous, but it is a little different than Kim’s. I like it better.

Kim and I spoke with Mom and at first, she refused to listen, then Kim melted her right down to the ground. I knew she would. Mom was impressed with the area, which she’s familiar with, everything the apartment has to offer, the price, and Kim and Mark. She kept telling Kim she was a guardian angel. That is true in a way.

I’m moving on April 1st and I’ve sent Russ a written notice. Brenda and Jimmy are also moving on the 1st. Jimmy bought a house here in Forest Park and Brenda’s moving to Palmer. Bonny moved this March 1st.

The night I saw the apartment, Kim and I went roller skating at Interskate 91. I had a blast. I hope to get new skates, though, cuz mine suck. They’re outdoor skates anyway.

Kim came over today and brought back with her some odds and ends. Big bulky stuff that’ll take up valuable box space.

I forgot to mention I had a really good talk with both Nervous and Mary D.

Also, I was right all along about Kim. Kim is very happy with Mark. He’s a great guy but Kim feels he’s too quiet and not exciting in bed. I guess, even though Mark is 28, he’s only been with one other girl before Kim. Kim also told me that she had a wet dream about me and that she’s fantasized about both males and females. Whether Kim is married or not, she’s definitely my type pretty much, but why are they always ugly? I mean Kim’s not ugly, but she’s plain. Even Brenda’s better looking. It goes to prove more and more that God forbids sexual attraction for me personally for some reason.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary200

4/2-3/2024

tuesday - wednesday

labor rights violated today......could not take my break... wtf i thought my bosses #were #my #friends.

anyway, i finished my drawing thingy. i finished the actual drawing part and couldn't figure out what to write over it. but i came on something. against my better judgment, i'll post it. it is probably overtly sexual but it's a constant thing in any kind of art i make...so... whatever.

i don't know what to say, other than i think all the points of reference are rather obvious, but i guess one thing i'm especially interested in right now is deformity as handled by hans bellmer, where it's more like deformity by capturing movement, the erotic gestures as mutant, that kind of idea. but i've always tried that, i've always been in his debt, so idk, it's just about needing to feel cute ultimately, i suppose.

i also drew tonight, to keep up with my every other day practice thing.

i like some of the ideas in it/ ways i drew faces. i think referencing photos is really useful for constructing heads better, it helps remind me of things like,, idk. it just helps me know what a human head is like. it's easy to forget that i suppose.

anyway, today i also did a song, so that makes 2 more for the mixing process, and thennn,,,,, more vocals.

and that's not too much... so we're getting #close.

with the tablet i stole from my gf, i'm definitely thinking about re-tracing the bugs, in other resolutions too, just cuz...idk, i know what's gonna upscale better now at least. so yeah, there's that on my mind, for the cover art.

anyway i gotta work out nowww.

worked out... fun.

i listened to the new cindy lee album in full today finally, really great stuff, the exact kind of music i like hearing, or like, one kind of thing i love to hear. i love a lot, so i really wanna hear a lot all the time.

but i digress, i love diamond jubilee, it might be a big deal this year, for me at least. no bad songs on it, a lovely way to spend 2 hours.

here's another bit of music i'm obsessed with, this song.

i love that it's got a cute garage rock vibe but it's still kind of got the white-belty thing going on w/ the paper thin guitars, or like, how white belt took the 60s affectations, this kind of bumps that up, the keyboards are so beautiful to me, i love those synths, it's just a perfect song to me.

apparently the lead guy of the intelligence was in this band:

reminds me of numbers a bit. fun stuff. i love the freakout section in this song with those way bleepy synths.

anyway i need to sleep now, we have to do errands tomorrow, so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[umichenginabroad]

Week 9: Sands, Sips, and Scuba

Monday - Annnnnnd We’re off

We packed early in the morning after landing in Sydney. We loaded our stuff into the campervan parked across the street and made the cabin “sea-worthy”. After turning the first block, however, there was a thundering crash... We had underestimated just how violently the car could shake, nothing but good omens here.

Our first stop was the Australian Reptile Park. We booked the encounters tour which allowed us to pet koalas and echidnas, and even hold a juvenile wombat. We also got a backroom tour of some of the world’s deadliest snakes and spiders. They keep them to harvest their venom which gets sent around the world to develop antivenom medicine.  

Tuesday - Sand Boarding

The next day we drove up the coast to Nelson’s Bay. We toured the nearby beach around Port Stevens. We got a fascinating history lesson on how the Australians braced this beach for a Japanese invasion in 1942 and how the beach grows yearly by 4 meters. The large deposits are actually coming from the blue mountains eroding and getting washed out into the sea. And then we sandboarded, more like sled but yeah:

That evening we decided to go backwards and stay at a nearby park to make our 10 am wine tour in Hunter Valley. 

Wednesday - Wine and Turkish Delight

It was 23 fleets of wine and cheese pairings and it floored everyone.

It was delicious but way more alcohol than any of us were expecting. The day of drinking took us out for the next four hours of the day. We made it to Port Macquarie and took a stumbling but refreshing stroll on the beach.

That night we had the best food I’ve had during my time in Australia. We dined at Reyhana, a Turkish restaurant, and ate heaps of homemade pita and hummus as well as lamb shish and buttered rice.

I hastily booked a nearby campsite for the night as all the places I did find were unavailable. It turned out to be an unpowered campsite… Oops. No AC plus tons of bugs meant a humid, irritated night of sleep for everyone. 

Thursday - Byron Baes

The next morning we booked it to Byron Bay for a promising day of adventure.

First up was a guided snorkeling excursion through the EAC(East Australian Current) duuuude (the same one Crush and his son Squirt rode in Finding Nemo).

Some highlights were the eagle ray and leopard shark that were hitching a ride on the EAC to loop the island we were snorkeling around. The boat ride was another highlight, the swell coming in made for perfect hills to accelerate over and catch air, at least that’s how the driver felt. 

That night we ventured into the town of Byron Bay. We had only known the town from the cheesy reality TV show called Byron Baes so we were pleasantly surprised by how similar it was. It’s a town of linens and “inspirers” (rather than influencers). All that aside, we got a beautiful dinner in a bar that looked over the beach and then made our way to the local nightlife. Props to our Uber driver who convinced us to check out our first stop: someone’s backyard turned into a psychedelic bar with a trippy dancefloor.

It was unlike anything I had been to. The DJ was mixing vaguely familiar music over a wash of synths, there were artists actively painting their psychedelic pieces in the corners, and, when they felt it was getting a bit dull, fire-dancing people would inexplicably take over the dance floor and perform. 

Friday - Koala Cuddling to Cairns Crazes

We finally got to hold koalas! The state of New South Wales forbids the practice and so as soon as we crossed the border into Queensland we signed up for the experience. It was a brief encounter and the zoo keeper told us that it was a practice they and the rest of Australia would be phasing out over the next year.

We then parted ways with our roommates who drove up in their sleeper van and would now make the 13-hour drive back down the coast to Sydney. 

We quickly packed up and made our way to the Brisbane airport to catch our flight to Cairns. Our time in Cairns was brief. We got in late and spent most of our time running between loads of laundry at the local laundromat and finishing the procrastinated scuba diving e-learning course. 

Saturday - Live A Board, Dive A Board 

*5:45 am*

I’m up, I’m up. 

We started our day early getting our gear and luggage stowed on the diving boat we’d be living on for the next three days. The boat takes customers out to the offshore parts of the Great Barrier Reef and guides them through certifications and general scuba diving skills. Joe, my Dad and I signed up for the Advanced Scuba Diving and Nitrox courses. Over this day and the next, we took our e-learning skills and applied them out at sea. The technical dives focused on navigation with and without a compass, buoyancy and control, night diving (how to communicate and navigate), a deep dive down to 100 feet, and a fish identification dive. 

*phew*

By the end of the second day, we were officially advanced scuba divers! We dove, ate, and drank with people from all around the world. Almost everyone, regardless of age, had a similar story of feeling that too much of their life had gone by or that they had missed out on traveling earlier and so quit their jobs to see the world. For many of them, it was a decision that took several years of careful planning and saving and none of them regret diving out of their comfort zone and into the wider world. 

Quick side note: I was told by my instructor that he knew I was an aerospace student as soon as he saw me take off from the ocean floor, the plume of sand that followed my vertical, sound barrier-breaking push was "rocket-like".

Between dives, I tried to catch up on the alarming amount of recorded lectures I’ve missed.

And now I write this on the boat ride back to shore with nine new dives and two new certifications under my belt. I’m looking forward to the last few days with my Dad and dreading the reality check from the mounting days of missed school. 

Take care, everyone!

Grant Touchette

Aerospace Engineering

University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia

[studyingsocialjustice]

7 Days of Productivity, Days 1-3

Well, I had certainly hoped to be able to upload daily instead of all on one day. Alas, I ran out of time and energy after doing work all day to post any updates. But here we are! I'm honestly not super happy with how the last three days have gone, but I'm hoping for tomorrow and Friday to be better.

Monday Dec 4 - Day 1: As you can see by my Study Bunny daily study hours, I didn't get much work time in this day. I had a really hard time getting up and moving in the morning and ended up sleeping half of the day. My body definitely needed it, but it's not ideal when you have deadlines! I did have a productive rehearsal for my scene for my Directing class though. We didn't get to everything I had planned so I'll have to prioritize the last chunk during my rehearsal tomorrow. After rehearsal, I went to the library and started my final project for my Social Justice Education class. My topic for the project was the concept of Crip Time, and I had a little bit too much fun researching it! I am so passionate about the field of Disability Studies so I kept getting distracted by all the articles I was finding, even if they weren't actually useful to my project 😝 I guess that's a good problem to have, but again - deadlines!

Tuesday Dec 5 - Day 2: Unfortunately another day where I didn't spend as much time as planned on working. I had planned to spend the entire day at the library, but due to a miscommunication my anxiety got really bad right before my partner dropped me off at campus, and it took me probably three hours to be calm enough to get any work done. I used the Study Bunny app when I first got to the library, but after a few hours it just didn't make sense to me to bother using it since I was just going to work continuously. Next time I'll use the stopwatch function instead of the countdown. While I was at the library I created a universal annotation key for myself. I like to color-code my highlighting but it always slows me down to take the time to set up my color key, so I thought I would just create one that would be applicable to everything that I read, not just course readings. After I got home and showered, I was ready to do more work, but it seemed my cat had other ideas! I still managed to get another couple of hours of progress on my project though.

Wednesday Dec 6 - Day 3: I finished my project on Crip Time and thus finished my Social Justice Education class! I'm having a hard time being happy about it though. I spent 5 straight hours finishing the project, and didn't have it completely finished until just before I presented it to the class - and I was the last to go. I am happy with the final product, and I feel like I learned a lot from my work on it, but I'm pretty unhappy with myself for my utter lack of time management with the project. Oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ there's always next semester. And hey, I don't have to worry about it anymore! That's one class down, three to go.

I also got my grades back for my two Incomplete classes. I got a B in both classes, which is honestly better than I was expecting. I didn't finish all of the work (and didn't finish most of the work for one of them) for them, so I thought I was going to have a C at best. But the B is a huge relief! And like with Social Justice Ed, it's done and I finally don't have to worry about it anymore.

Up Next: [] Make a plan for how I'm going to complete all the work for my Directing class [] Prepare for my rehearsal tomorrow [] Finish the text analysis for the scene I'm directing [] Complete my production critique for All's Well That Ends Well [x] Choose the other two productions that I need to watch and critique [] Order the gifts for my boyfriend's mom, grandmother, and stepmom for when we visit them all for Christmas. I'm thinking of getting candles for each of them as hostess gifts. We'll be spending 5 days with his mom's side of the family and then 5 days with his dad's - I'm nervous!

Wish me luck for a better and more productive day tomorrow! And I wish you the best of luck for your day and your exams as well. We got this!

🎵: Einaudi: Experience

[officialkatie]

decided all my vents are gonna be tagged so if you don’t want them on ur dash block the tag

it is midnight. it is monday. i am pmsing terribly. i have to be up in six hours to go do school observations i don’t want to do but have to do and im nervous. going back to my high school makes me nervous. its different and some people i went to high school with work there and that’s nice for them but i don’t want to see them. i had fun in high school but i don’t associate it well now. i don’t want to be a teacher anymore. it makes me sick to think about going to a school especially my old school. i outgrew it but i need to go back so i can finish this degree. i feel like my insides are being scraped by a cheese grater. and im hot and itchy and im going to cry about nothing and i am just alone. no one to help me. it is midnight i got 4 hours of sleep last night coming back from a vacation i didn’t want and i didn’t enjoy. it wasn’t a vacation. it was horrible. i don’t understand why my family doesn’t like me. i try and they exclude me and still treat me like a little kid. im 23. not that you’d know bc you all always forget my birthday. you belittled my excitement at going to the aquarium and made it not fun for me. i love you but i don’t like you. you ruined what little joy there was left in that trip by taking over like you always do. i didn’t want to go. i know im pmsing but that doesn’t make it any less bad. i’m scared to go tomorrow. i don’t know what room is where anymore and im going to be exhausted from not sleeping bc im too anxious. im going to have cramps. i have class until 10pm tomorrow. i want to work in the aquarium to make people happy the way i should have been. im the one walking behind everyone else on the sidewalk when all i’ve done my entire life is be nice. if i died they would never know. “oh we loved katie” not in any way you showed. all you did was show me that you loved yourselves. its 12:10 now and my hips hurt from pms and sitting in the car for 30 hours. i hate this career path. i don’t want to be a teacher. its not too late for me i know i have time for careers and actual real love and it will come but 12:10 monday morning 5 hours and 50 minutes before my alarm i am sick and i cannot see the sun. the time of feeling good is not in sight. this week is going to be so hard. i don’t even want to go to museum wednesday anymore. i don’t find joy in it im tired im hormonal. i will feel better but not now. i have no joy this week. looking forward to nothing except its end. what kind of sadness is that i don’t even have the joy of the mundane its just dragging. the best part of the week will be friday afternoon. i will nap. i will have less hormones. i will have another paycheck for one day of work but it will be mine. i have no weekend to look forward to but the absence of responsibilities will be there. then a presentation tuesday. and then a movie thursday. it will all suck until it doesn’t and tgen i can rest but until tgen i will have (?). the sleep i get tonight and tomorrow and Wednesday. maybe i’ll be better by then.