#good sign im up too late.
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The sad, bittersweet nostalgia of getting a second pet in your sdv farm, choosing the dog that looks like your childhood dog that passed a year ago give or take, and naming it said dog’s name
#kiwi rambles#tw pet death#she was like 13 so it was her time#and i was fairly fine at the time. cried a couple days then i was okay#i just.#something about hearing the *thup thup thup* coming from the sdv chocolate lab looking dog…#hit me a bit more than i expected#i should. probably go to bed.#good sign im up too late.#oof#the tail wagging got to me
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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I HATEEEEE DYSPEXIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#so im driving some little dude to his appointment i left like super early incase n it turns out i was given an address to a fking House ?!?!#obviously he doesnt know the address cus hes just some lil dude so im like ringing up his guardians and#the one that actually goes to the hairstylist cant answer obs cus i had to take his son cus hes busy duh#BUT THAT MEANS IM JUST DRIVING AROUND SOME PLACE IDK TRYING TO FIND PLACES THAT LOOK LIKE HAIR#& when i find one im like uh does this barber sound familiar cus im not taking him to some random one#andlike omg and the entire time im playing music real loud trying not to cuss out in front of this little kid#like IM ALREADY SHIT WITH NAVIGATION. & THEN U GIVE ME THE WRONG ADDRESS AND IT'S RAINING#and he wants to go get an icecream afterwards n im sitting at the barber chatting it up#but i am like actually on the verge of a breakdown cus i made him late bcs i cant just figure shit out#like#it's just so fking frustrating like it makes me feel like a failed adult or smthing like#i AM GOOD. I AM GOOD AT DRIVING#once i know a place im good but if im lost it's like my brain is panicking too much#i have to look at the road and signs and places#like i turned at a green light and completely forhot it wasnt an arrow like i just saw green and went#like i couldve killed this little kidlike#IM GOING FUCKING CRAZY#and i dont want anyone to feel bad or like have to be extra cautious when they need me to drive or smthing#like im alrdy very frustrated with my stupid limitations like in general so like failure kinda just heightens it like#iURGHHH I HATE BEING IMPERFECT I CANT FKING STAND IT IDC IF THATS NARCISSISTIC N PRIDEFULNIDCC#it's better than being EMBARRASSED i HATE BEINGNEMBRASSING AGRGHHHHHH#anyways it's fking raining and it's dark . idek where im gonna take this kid bro like hes hungry#imma go on google YIPPEE#my best friend. google maps who i cant tell distances on so i either turn too soon or too late or rlly fking quick#Ii LOVE MY LIFEEE
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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason
#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended#i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes#if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up#but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it#bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up#theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting#for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice#...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it#and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection#so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore#it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game#and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down#back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians#but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun#so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same#rambling#maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏
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Look, her hair's a bird nest! Ha. Get it? Bird....
I'm trying to practice weird angles and poses rn I guess, well drawing as much as I can in general :D even though I hate I can't fully draw their outfits lol
These two HATE each other btw, if you're curious about lore
#i keep sketching and then end up getting sucked into it#good sign i suppose :D#this is way more rendered than i intended though 😭😭#i was simply sketching her face at a weird angle and then it progressed lol#id like to draw all of my god ocs like this#but i shouldnt act too hasty lol knowing me#but gah ive been thinking so much abt designs lately. i love them 😭😭😭 my babies#even to the point where im considering trying to get into character design again +#and finish the rest of the planets#having lots of thoughts abt jupiter and mars and earth who ive never really touched#so maybe ill post concept art if i actually get to it#idk. i havent created an oc since 2020 so it feels scary 😭😭#catie.art.#oc art
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Less than an hour before the mcelroy selfie & signing
I'm a little nervous
#speculation nation#havent had any caffeine bc ive been having too much of that lately. and it's a shorter day.#so im a bit sleepy. but at least the active nausea is better than it was a bit ago#(waking up so early several days in a row And having them be such physically strenuous days is. hard on the body.)#anyways. yeah. the mcelroys.#i mean ultimately theyre just some guys. but im not good at talking with strangers Anyways#and ive enjoyed their stuff for a good bit now. so. it's intimidating.#but i know theyre nice people. and ultimately all i Really need to do is give them what i want signed and take the pic#but there is opportunity for brief conversation. and i want to try asking them if they remember an anecdote from when my sister saw them#it was a good bit ago so i'll preface it with 'this might be a bit of a longshot but'#the anecdote being that when my sister asked for an autograph for 'Fanny' Clint started writing 'Best Fanny'#before travis was like 'uhhh maybe add a comma there' hfkshfkd#ultimately it WAS such a small moment. and actually thinking about it i dont know if i want to ask them actually.#bc if they Dont remember. which they likely dont. well then that's awkward for all of us.#...but also even if they dont remember it's still a funny story.#and if they Do somehow remember i can be like 'Hello i am that Fanny'#the thing is that theyre people with good humor. so i dont think theyd be upset at me asking.#and maybe theyd even find it funny. even if they dont remember.#i can give no guarantees that i will even try to do this bc i might end up so petrified in the moment that i cannot do it#but i will try my best. aughhgjhg i wish i wasnt passively nausous rn!!! not making it easier!!!#and somehow it's now 40 minutes away AAAAAAAAAAAGH
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This is technically a Diana's age poll but I framed it partially around Julia's rescue because that's the event I need to contextualize and whether or not Diana is a thing yet is p important for my purposes. I would keep the Pérez run and postcrisis continuity in mind when answering this bc that's when this is relevant but I'd keep in mind that even though Diana is very young there (like early 20s) we don't know I don't think if she ages differently as a child (esp as a themysciran AND being made from clay) and in some versions she is older than she looks and was made earlier
Edit: I accidentally logic-ed this out in the tags lol 🤦♀️but feel free to still vote however you want. Going to publish this anyway bc I think I made some good points later in my tags
#blah#the 45 years is a guesstimation of julias age w her being in her late 40s#bc she has a middle school aged daughter which would make you lean a bit younger but shes also highly respected prof at harvard (is she the#dept head? i think so. and has a career that would suggest older. and shes also drawn middle aged so 🤷���️#i would say late 40s early 50s for her honestly. but i moved it down a lil bit bc of vanessas age#wait shit i may have contradicted logic here bc wasnt the diana trevor stuff supposed to have happened before dianas birth. and that was#wwii. which would be btwn 42 and 45 years. BC PÉREZ!TREVOR IS OLD I FORGOT THAT#okay so actually there still could be a question of what happened first the timeline would just be much shorter#but then wouldnt julias family be boating during wwii? that makes no sense#im definitely thinkimg too hard about this probably. logically it would make the most sense if diana was like 20smth in reality. but thats#its own basket of worms honestly. like what do you mean hippolyta only had like 20 yrs w her daughter out of a lifespan of thousands of#years. what do you MEAN she became champion and ambassador so young like#like also thats the point though. she had to wear a mask in the challenge for a reason. her inexperience with men is what makes her the kind#of ambassador they need. and her youth and relation to hippolyta and role as the baby of the amazons is one of the things that makes her#ambassadorship SO important is bc she fulfills that role in an ancient sense. where it would be a sign of great trust and respect to send#someone close to the crown as an envoy bc it shows you mean business and arent going to reneg on whatever the deal is. bc if you do they#shoot the messenger#god anyways i very much answered my own question here in the tags like 100%. esp in regards to the pérez canon bc he very much laid this out#and i was trying to weasel my way out of it. only that didnt work and the decisions he made he made for a reason and they have huge#narrative importance. damn. okay then#i always write the shittiest posts and the best tags and then have to keep the post to keep the tags#i rlly need to make these tags posts ugh. anyways keeping this up bc of my tags abt diana and ambassadorship#also sidenote I LOVE HIPPOLYTA#just though id mention that. i love how much shes motivated by love and i also love when she makes fucked up decisions bc of that and has to#live with them. woman of all time FOR REALS#god this is making me want to reread historia again lol bc its the one ww comic i own. also its fire. and hippolyta gets to make shitty#decisions motivated by emotion and live w the consequences. and the comic is actually good unlike when that happened in the messner-loebs#run. which was the other instance of that ive read rlly. 10000% sure there are others but i havent fully gotten there yet.#i mean ive read other comics where she makes painful decisions thats like her whole deal but there are different vibes to those than the two#i mentioned. like the exile thing in ww year 1 or rlly anytime she has to send diana away
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Somehow, after months of not moving a muscle, I managed to get off my ass and do some light stretching + a whole damn abs routine too, that I still have no idea how I got through it, I remember it being hard on Normal day, and now my whole body is feeling this little workout and I'm like?? WHo are you?
Now to keep it going, tho...
#personal#Raksh posts#the anxiety and stress started creeping in#tho I have A FULL WEEK OFF with no classes nothing#so I was like - I might as well Try to get rid of that nibbling stress#and like damn this feels nice#also made me realize how out of shape I am :''') not that it's a surprise but still#gonna try and keep it up with at least like One thing a day#a couple of stretches or an exercise here and there so it's not just a one time thing (I Am prone to doing that)#tomorrow I have some logistics to maneuver around since Im going to the theater with a couple friends in the evening#and we're meeting earlier in the day for some drinks too bcs my last train is not late enough to go After the spectacle#but anyway I guess I'll try to do some stretches before noon and then figure out food before I go to the train station#damn maybe I can start getting myself back together#like I even started rereading my Voiles stuff - esp the BatB AU#and if I go back to writing it? goodness help me#I Know there are still people reading the ship but oh my god really??#anyway I had to throw this out of myself I guess xD#Im still debating on making some pizza dough today and maybe making one to eat later hmmm#it's like - me making homemade pizza seems to always be a sign of getting out from some kind of slump/depressive episode#because I never have the energy or motivation when it's Bad but I Love pizza and actually enjoy making it so#yeah we'll see I guess#still half a day ahead hah
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Kiryu is so a guy who gets his lung punctured then starts snorting and snuffling like a pug because he cant breathe... so cute ...
#Yakuza loveblog#i was just reading up on jellyfish stings because i may be going swimming later and my my my#apparently box jellies straight up cause lower back pain when you get stung and the pain damn near paralyses you ........#the tentacles will get stuck to your skin ...... like a cloud or cobweb i really loved that description#like you can die from a sting like this but wveryone who got stung this year survived :)#im literally talking about this because i think majima should purposefuly get stung because he wants kiryu to pee on him but he actually#nearly dies and isnt able to fully enjoy the experience because he was in so much pain#and kiryu ran off after emptying his bladder to go call the doctor#oooooh my screen time was down 12 percent this week thats a win for me#like a good death for kiryu would definitely be organ failure#he wouldnt die all at once he has to go slowly .. excrutiatingly. majima and saejima are determined for their blaze of glory but kiryu#would die a slow death like poison his body slowly shutting down as he tries his best to ignore it until its too late to save him#kiryu would keep walking with broken feet keep breathing with collapsed lungs keep living despite the signs of deterioation because hes ...#hes just that type of guy to move until he cant anymore and i adore that about him ... unfortunately he will live forever
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Two things. 1) Did you see the Rainbow Rowell Medusa comment on Twitter, 2) Dan Abnett will be writing at Marvel first with a Groot limited but think he might try to continue where he left off with the Inhumans somehow?
if you're referring to these - i had to go look, and AAAAAAA!!!! very very curious!!! if im remembering right, medusa is meant to appear in a women of marvel comic next month, which miiiight explain her being 'occupied'? but considering there's a bit of a time gap and she-hulk herself will probably also be in the comic, i wonder if it's a different thing keeping her busy.... really really hoping she's getting a bigger role here soon 🥺
and i think it'd be interesting if he did! tbh, im still only cautiously optimistic about their returns, and i don't expect a full return or even an issue or two dedicated to them like we used to have anytime soon. i think their reputation is still a bit too tattered to stray far from small cameos. though if medusa does get some actual breathing room in the next couple months, i really hope she gets some positive attention out of it!! if she does well, i think it would be a very good sign for the inhumans. also very curious about that devil dinosaur show that came out not too long ago - crossing my fingers that girls help us get some more content !!
okok but back to abnett, i think he'd be a good choice to continue from! i feel he had very good characterization in his runs, especially for crystal and maximus, so i'd be very pleased to see him tackle the family post-royals, or maybe some more insight on how new attilan is doing without the fam. would also love love love a series about ahura and luna, which i think might be a good choice for characters to start a return with. rhelm of kings is one of the last runs with ahura and luna together with their accurate ages, iirc, and itd be fun to see his take on them now that theyre young adults. big big jump in time from then to now!!
#it would be very fun if he could get a reference or two in the groot series#and my main hope is that newer comics either rush through a fix-it for doti or ignore it outright#i would really hate to have so many characters remain dead. esp triton and maximus!#seeing as max is typically the main villain or very integral to stopping the villain. itd be sad to see newer comics without him#but there is a ff comic i think post doti that acts like crystal is helping run attilan again?#luna shows up for a sec in it too and shes finally aging properly again#so im curious over that cameo scene too for possible continuations.. though perhaps those writers simply forgot whats been happening w them#would certainly not be the first time 😔#but anyways very very excited about how this year goes for them!! little hints r very good signs and they had quite a few cameos last year#so im HOPING we can get a bit more this year round#as much as im dying for new comics. introducing them back in slowly is probably for the best#hearing a lot of mcu geared rumors lately too... and if they can make a tiny comeback in the mcu i think thatd be#great for their comic counterparts#get those gears turning marvel!!!!!!!!#medusalith amaquelin#id in alt text
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this is the most important thc for me <3
#literally i did just wake up in a new life by the seaside 2 months ago. the blissful distant wash of waves 😌��#and im spending today w my friend gathering the shit im not keeping from before to donate or throw away which is like#huge for me as someone who doesnt like to throw things away?#i have a baseball my dad gave me when i was 4 that i made him sign. i have every birthday card ive ever gotten#so like the fact that i am willingly throwing away postcards is a big thing yknow? it feels good though#& literally the only thing im keeping from them is a dinosaur-shaped planter and the plant it came with#keep almost none of it only the flowers on the windowsill etc etc#and then we're planning on breaking into a boardwalk by the beach thats closed til april later :^)#i made too many pastries for a shabbat thing i did last night so those will be coming. things are good 😊🥰#had trouble sleeping for ages bc of flashbacks that started like late november and i slept over this friend's place for a couple wks#back home now but like. ugh i love people i love my friends!! i love to support them and be supported by them! fuck everything else yknow?
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p2 wants in the room right when i’m heading to bed… im sorry youre too late……
#eye guy speaks#speaking of too late. i Guess it’s a good sign that im up at 2am#but maybe let’s not make a habit of it
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desperate measures
words: 1.7k
warnings: 18+ only!, smut, p in v sex, BABY TRAPPING!, pregnancy, female receiving oral
rafe thought it was just his paranoia, the gnawing thought in his mind that you were going to leave him. he never considered that it could be true, that you were putting plans into place.
until a rumor spread that you were fed up with his behavior. his over protectiveness, his anger issues. you love him, but think he needs to heal without you first. that's the claim thats whispered to him at the party, one you aren't attending, staying home to study for your online college class.
rafe rushes home, rage flooding through his veins, knowing he needs to do everything and anything to get you to stay.
--
“hey gorgeous, almost done studying?” rafe combs his fingers through your hair, pressing a kiss to your head.
“yeah.” you hum, tilting your head up to allow rafe to press a kiss to your lips. “just give me 15 more minutes and ill come to bed, mkay?”
“okay.” rafe nods, squeezing your shoulder in support as you go back to typing out your essay. 15 minutes gives him plenty of time to do what he needs to.
rafe grabs the condoms out of his bedside table drawer, throwing them all onto the bed. he's not sure how many tries it'll take, but he's determined.
he moves to your pinboard next, grabbing a tack that holds up a picture of you and rafe when you first started your relationship, before you saw the dark side of him. rafe frowns at the picture instead of mimicking the smile in it like he normally does, now noticing the difference in you, your smile is not as wide, eyes duller, cheeks not as full.
“fuck.” rafe shakes his head, angry at himself for letting you down without even realizing it. things are going to change, he has to fix it. he can’t let you leave. rafe moves back to the bed, pin in hand as he takes a condom package and presses a hole through it, making sure to skewer it completely through. he continues until every condom is poked, glad for once that you reacted badly to birth control and had to seek other methods to prevent getting pregnant.
rafe cleans up quickly, tossing everything back into the drawer and then pinning the picture back up, looking over the other snapshots that you put up. there's some of your friends, but most are of you and rafe. rafe knows you love him, he just needs to make sure you never stop.
“whatcha looking at?” you ask as you enter the room, voice light and airy despite the bags under your eyes. rafe credited it to you taking college classes, but was now worried that he contributed to your current state.
“just how beautiful you are.” rafe doesn't miss the look on your face, the surprise.
“oh.” you blush, raising your hands to press your fingertips into your cheeks.
“and im really sorry if i haven't been telling you that enough lately.” rafe crosses over to you, hands coming to cup your cheeks, your hands trapped under his.
“what are you doing rafe?” you question.
“i haven’t been treating you well enough lately and im so sorry for that baby. i love you.” rafe presses his lips against yours. you react to the kiss, pushing past the surprise to kiss back, sliding your hands out from under his to grip his shirt, tugging his body into yours.
“are you tired princess?” rafe asks, lips still skimming over yours as he questions it.
“n-no.” you shake your head, bottom lip pouting out, making rafe lean in to kiss it. “why?”
“because i want you.” rafe smirks. he's used to your excuses. tired, headache, need to shave, need to eat, anything to get out of it.
“oh!” your eyebrows widen. “yeah.” you press yourself closer to rafe. it's been a long time since you felt the rush of lust for him, since he's treated you so sweetly, talked so candidly. no sign of anger or resentment hiding in his eyes. “yeah, i want you too.”
“good.” rafe moves you to the bed. his hands work effortlessly as his mouth distracts you, pulling at your clothes until you're naked, all of his clothes still on.
“rafe, let me see you.” you pout, tugging at his shirt.
“no, let me focus on you, princess.” rafe moves lower to wrap his mouth around your nipple, giving you full attention while his other hand cups the other side of your chest.
“rafe.” you whine, completely forgetting about your relationship issues, about how you were just thinking of the right time to leave him as he plays with your chest, ignoring your cries and pleas for him to give you more.
“spread your legs, baby.” rafe pushes at your thighs until you help him, spreading your knees apart to present yourself to him.
rafe lays between your thighs, but not before pulling his shirt off, granting you your wish of having him at least get closer to the state of undress you're in.
“such a pretty pussy baby. gonna give it so much lovin’, it's what you deserve.” rafe rubs your inner thighs, eyes locked on your wetness.
“what has gotten into you rafe?” you let out a breathy laugh, starting to get slightly suspicious of how sweet he's acting.
“just wanna appreciate my lovely girl.” rafe moves closer, inhaling your scent before his tongue licks through your wetness.
you fist your hands in the sheets as he focuses in on your clit, knowing nothing gets you off faster than him sucking at your most sensitive part.
“rafe, oh my god!” you squeal. it's been a long time since he's given you head, and rafe is wondering himself why it's been so long since he tasted you on his tongue, moaning to himself as he swipes through what he swears is better than pure honey.
“so delicious.” he moans, the words vibrating over your pussy as he barely pulls away to speak, mouth greedily sucking at your clit, tongue rolling incessantly over it.
“it-it feels so good.” you moan, moving one hand to rafes head, his hair too short to grip onto, but you need the physical connection to him.
rafes eyes slide closed, concentrating on making you cum as soon as possible so he can get inside of you, his cock so hard he has to grind into the bed just to relieve himself slightly, knowing what he is about to.
rafe brings a finger to your entrance, carefully pushing in, knowing since it's been a while that he's going to have to open you up to take him. he immediately picks up speed to match to intensity of his mouth, only stopping sucking to press a few kisses to your clit.
“im-im gonna cum rafe, oh my god!” you let out a squeal, back arching off the bed as he works you until your high breaks through, legs clenching around his head, thighs pressing in but rafe doesn't let it deter him as he works you through it, only stopping when your whine from the oversensitivity and push at his head.
“gotta get inside you.” rafe pulls away, making sure to remove his finger carefully. he reaches over to the bedside table, grabbing a condom, knowing you won't notice the small hole pressed through the foil as you breathe deeply, recovering from your orgasm.
rafe tears the packaging open, standing up to briefly pull his pants and underwear off, sliding the condom over his hard cock, smirking when he can tell precisely where the small hole is. no way you wouldn't get pregnant, and then there is no way you'd be able to leave him.
“how you want me baby?” rafe asks. he knows his preference. to turn you over and have you on your hands and knees, ass presented to him.
“like this.” you open your arms up, wanting rafe close to you.
he nods, draping himself over your body, lips covering yours as his cock presses against your entrance, sinking in with a low moan.
your arms wrap around rafes shoulders, keeping him close to you, your chests pressed together as he lets you adjust for a moment, his cock pressing against your walls.
“god, ive missed this.” you mew out.
“gonna work on treating you so much better.” rafe says, a look of seriousness overtaking his features. “you're mine, baby.” he finished his words with a thrust. “all mine.”
--
“rafe!” you finally manage to shout out. you hear his footsteps pounding up the stairs, entering the bedroom and then finally the bathroom where you're hunched over the toilet.
“baby?” he questions, kneeling next to you, hands moving carefully.
“it's my stomach.” you groan, pressing a hand to your abdomen. “i must have come down with something.”
“yeah.” rafe nods. “im gonna get you a water.” rafe has to leave the room, he can't let you see him celebrate your morning sickness when you don't even know the true cause yet.
--
“when you get a minute…” your hands are wrestling with each other behind your back, trying to control your nerves. “i need to talk to you.”
rafe smiles. surely you must have had a suspicion yourself and taken a pregnancy test. surely that's what you must be holding behind your back.
“i have a minute right now.” rafe stands up from his desk, crossing the room. when he goes to place his hands on your shoulders, you take a deep inhale, not even meaning to retreat yet you step back into the doorway.
“baby?” rafe questions.
“im pregnant.” you blurt out.
rafe tries to control his excitement, tries to mimic shock before he pulls you into a hug, feeling how tense you are. “baby, that’s so exciting! oh my god, we are gonna be parents.” he takes your face in his hands, pressing a kiss to your lips, even though you don’t really reciprocate. “you’re gonna be the best mom ever.”
“i… i have something else to tell you too.” you feel tears fill your eyes, not stopping them from flowing down your cheeks. “i was gonna break up with you.” you let out a sob, burying your face in rafes chest as you continue. “i was gonna break up with you until i took a test and it came back positive. i’m so sorry rafe, i never wanted to leave i just thought-”
“hey, shh.” rafe strokes your back gently. “the past is the past. this baby will bring us together, okay? we are gonna be parents, happy, in love parents. thats what matters.”
you nod, snuggling into rafe as he kisses the top of your head, glad that you can’t see the smirk on his face, his plan executed perfectly.
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my dog turned 14 the other day!!! 14 years old in human years... I've had him since he was a pubby and hes 14... woaw....🥺
#i thought abt it too hard and im choked up now KJHSDKF MY SPECIAL LITTLE OLDMAN GUY.....MY BABY OLD. BENJBUTTON DOG. precious fuzzy man#he desperately needs a haircut i gotta call the vet tomorrow aaaugh ive been procrastinating abt it but hes SOO shaggy#i hate getting him cut in the winter bc i feel BAD if hes nakey bc its COLD outside. but i dont want him to be so shaggy he gets matted...#and his fur is curly fluffy so i dont wanna hurt him by trying to comb/brush it out yk?#aside from like using my fingers very gently#id say hes doing great for his age tho tbh#hes got mild cataracts and i think hes deaf but hes got 6 teeth which according to my vet is IMPRESSIVE for his age#and like hes healthy otherwise :") he luvs getting the good wet food now bc of the teeth situation#idk i know hes old and it makes me sad to think abt too much but hes doing ok according to the vet who i trust more than my own judgement#there rly isnt anything to be done abt him losing his hearing BUT hes so smart he picks up on hand signals so#he knows what gesture means walkies or food time :) or 'yes u can hop up on the couch with me' hand pat#my cat has started picking up on the hand signals too which is funny#guy whos nonverbal sometimes accidentally teached both their pets animal sign language <-#sanchoyorambles#anyway i wanna ask the vet to do another general checkup even tho he just had one a few months ago bc i am Paranoid JKDFHKJ#top 10 reasons i need to get a job asap . i am trying not to stress abt it but#aaaugh its been difficult and bad job hunting and the idea of calling ppl too late has paraylsed me with fear#i just gotta do it ;__; gun to my own head hollering atmyself to put the phone to my ear and hit call#holding myself hostage at this point bc being gentle is NOT fuckin working SDHFHSKJ#this time of year is always bad brain time tho i need to power thru the anxiety and various Episodes and Attacks#i Bleive in myself....
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grin to win - the genz!driver
pairing: the genz!driver x 24!grid (pre and during singapore)
summary: it’s the gzd first ever win, but getting there was a bumpy road
word count: 4.3k
warning: not proof read and some angst, talks about not feeling enough and all that
note: i am so sorry for not having updated in such a long time, i do hope you still like my stuff :)
masterlist / taglist
it has been weeks since our beloved gen-z driver has had a positive experience. silly season started earlier than she thought - daniel was rumoured to be dropped soon. max hasn’t won for a long time, she wasn’t sure if that’s positive or negative, but she feels sorry for her favourite dutch. carlos finally announced he’s signed with williams.
oh, and logan’s been dropped.
oliver is driving for haas next year. mclaren overtook redbull in the constructors championship. lando has started his transition to mad-lando (get it? because he’s starting to drive like mad-max? anyway). kimi signed with mercedes.
but there weren’t any news surrounding y/n. nothing negative, but also nothing positive. no rumours of her signing with a new team, or staying at her current team. her contract will run out at the end of the season.
she hasn’t heard from her team ceo or principal yet. she wasn’t underperforming, no she’s just performing as expected. but also not doing better.
she needed that something. that something that reassured her, that she’s in the right place. she needed at least a podium this season. that’s what she was telling herself for the last weeks. beating herself up, every time she didn’t perform well enough (in her eyes, we have to say. because if you looked at it from a neutral view, she was doing more than fine).
the stress has been eating her up. she was staying longer at the gym, eating less, seeing the guys less, not seeing her friends or family. even her boyfriend broke up with her, because she’s been ignoring him and focusing too much on her racing.
lewis was the first one to suspect something, knowing this behaviour all to well from himself. but he didn’t know what to do. should he ask her about it or say something to someone professional?
the first thing he did was tell george. george usually knew what to do. except this time.
„lew, im sorry man, i don’t know what do do“, he sighed and looked over to his teammate. „we could just tell the principal, but i don’t know if we‘ll brake her trust this way.“
„she just needs to see, that she’s good enough, i know that that’s the issue she’s having right now“, said lewis to george.
the taller one just shrugged, „maybe we should just, you know, talk to her“, he suggested.
lewis agreed, but he was sure, that he was the wrong person to talk to y/n. that’s why he called seb.
and as her phone started to ring and her favourite picture of her and seb appeared on her screen, she instantly knew, that someone noticed her weird behaviour. why else would sebastian call during race week?
with a heavy sigh she picked up her phone and tried to sound as happy as possible as she said: „hi seb! what’s going on?“
the german scrunched up his face as he heard the rather happy voice of the young girl. „hi there, pretty lady. i heard you’ve been absent lately“, he said softly.
the moment y/n heard her current situation from someone else, her tears fell. she didn’t think that it’d effect her this much, someone knowing what’s been going on lately, but it did.
„how do you know?“, she sniffled. her cries broke sebs heart, he could only imagine how his daughter’s future teenage cries would take him out.
„a birdie noticed and told me, hun.“ - „who was it? tell me it wasn’t my ex, because that bloody pig told me, if i couldn’t care enough about him, he wouldn’t care about me and if he called you, that means he’d still care about me and that would only make me feel more guilt over the whole situation“, y/n started to ramble.
„hey hey, no, it wasn’t him“, seb stopped her rambling. „i won’t tell you who, im just gonna tell you, as someone standing on the sidelines, you’re doing more than fine, okay?“
she shook her head no, even though the retired driver couldn’t see her. „no im not, everybody’s getting to sign their new contract or has been rumoured to be let go, but nothings happening with me“, she sighed.
seb told her, that this wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, that teams usually like to torture their drivers to see how far they’re willing to push. and that she just had to let the team get to her and not assume anything.
„but what if it’s like the situation with daniel? or logan? what if it’s the same with me?“
„then so be it, you can come to switzerland for a few weeks, we‘ll forget the whole thing and organise something new, it’s as easy as that“, seb told her.
„and honestly, y/n, you’re not being dropped, or rumours would have already been going around. as i said, just go with the flow.“
that’s what she tried. she tried to engage more with the other drivers. she tried to enjoy little things like eating chocolate.
she started to regularly talk with seb and talk about her feelings and worries - which helped her a lot.
and as time flew by, she got back into her zone. back into that racing mode, back into the fight.
it was singapore, hot and humid, but she was ready to fight. right before qualifying lewis visited her garage. looking relieved to see her spirits back where they belong.
„kiddo, you ready?“, he asked. y/n grinned at him and threw two thumps up. „good“, he murmured.
„good luck!“, he shouted. „you too, you’re gonna need it with my pace“, she laughed back.
„i hope so“, whispered the mercedes driver. „i really hope so.“
y/n sat in her car, she felt that something good would be happening. she never felt this ready for qualifying before.
q1 and q2 went by as a breeze. her lap times were phenomenal, she’s done better, but they were still great. easing into q3 with a good feeling and good lap times.
„y/n, you’ve been doing great out there, don’t push yourself too much, okay? i’ll tell you when to give it your all. we’re going for the front row“, her race engineer told her.
front row, that was really something.
„you think we can do it?“, she asked nervously. „i think that you can do it.“
with that statement she drove out of the garage onto the track. driving some laps to warm up her tyres. feeling the track and the car. she took a deep breath in and let it out and waited for her race engineer to giver her their sign.
tears stained her cheeks as she got out of the car. everything was blurry. confusion was written on her face. qualifying just ended and she will start the race from p2 on sunday.
she couldn’t believe it, neither could her team or to be honest, every other driver on the grid.
journalist started to surround the garage, friends of the young girl had trouble getting to her. the first one who made it through the masses, was oscar.
as soon as she saw him, she started screaming; „oscar! can you believe it?“
the aussy looked at the girl, or rather young woman, and only grinned at her. „you’re giving me the creeps with that smile, os“, y/n giggled. „you look like the joker, who are you about to murder?“
„the one who’s been making you feel worthless, but that’s a different story“, he half whispered half sighed.
the young driver had to sigh, she knew the other drivers had caught on her emotions. but she didn’t think, that they’d know in this detail.
y/n grinned through the pang and hugged the australian. „thanks for being there for me“, she whispered.
the moment oscar wanted to say something sentimental, his teammate barged through the journalists and jumped on them both.
„i cannot believe it! my best friend, starting front row, my goodness“, he exhaled and inhaled again: „together! we’re starting front row together!“
y/n giggled once again, she felt, that this wasn’t the last giggle of the day. „will you let me pass?“, she asked jokingly.
lando looked shocked: „are you kidding me? nuh-uh, no way in hell will i let you pass, now that im a race winner, you’ll have to earn it fair and square!“
„fair“, oscar laughed. y/n shoved oscar outraged. „you’re on his side?“ - „i am a race winner too, you know?“
„indeed he is“, carlos called from the end of the garage. „oi, this isn’t your garage“, a mechanic of her team shouted, „this isn’t all of you guys‘ garage“, he said, as he realised two more drivers were present.
„let’s go, we‘re going to some hospitality or something“, y/n suggested. with an apologetic look towards the mechanics, the drivers left the garage.
„i’ll update the groupchat and tell them where we are“, lando mumbled. oscar’s and carlos‘ phone dinged, but y/n‘s was left out.
„wait, what groupchat did you text?“, she asked confused. „the one about you’re crisis-“ lando just saw carlos‘ and oscar’s head shacking no, as he slowly finished his sentence, realising his mistake, „-without you in it.“
„what?“ - „lewis and seb created a groupchat, to discuss some tips on how to lift your spirits, s‘all“, oscar slowly explained.
„okay“, said the female driver slowly. „thanks, i guess?“
„wait, so you all knew? i mean i kind of suspected you knowing, but you all knew? and what did you discuss?“
the three drivers thought carefully about their next words. carlos was the first to speak out: „nothing really. lewis just told us, that your behaviour reminded him of himself when he first joined mercedes and seb just told us, that he was talking with you about it and just kind of updated us.“
„y/n you’re very important to all of us, we love you and want you to be well. if somethings going on, we worry about you and want to fix it“, oscar supplemented.
„why didn’t you tell us?“ lando was the last to speak. his voice full of hurt. „oh lando, im sorry, i didn’t want to bother all of you with my shit“, she admitted.
daniel could see the falling tears on her face from far away. he could also see the many cameras realising their existence. he sprinted over to the four, to mainly shield them from the media, but his weird running drew more attention to the drivers.
„hi there, don’t cry, cameras“, he huffed. the little smile came back to y/n‘s face, as she looked at daniel’s red and out of breath face.
„hey i thought you were a high performance athlete?“, she smiled and wiped away her tears. „i am, athletes sweat, baby“, daniel said.
„i heard that that’s your last race, is it true, danny?“, she changed the topic from herself to the smiley australian.
„don’t change the topic, girly“, he smiled sincerely. „there’s no truth, until you get that breaking post on insta.“
„hey, but front row, huh? how nice does it feel?“, he asked her. still on the move, she nearly tripped, not only over her next sentence, but also over a curb; „very good but also kinda scary.“
„i got lando here in front of me and max behind me, just a little bit scary“, she elaborated further.
at the mention of the dutch, he appeared in front of the group suddenly. „i heard my name, what’s going on?“
„i get it, max is scary“, oscar whispered more to himself. „dude, how’d you do that?“, lando asked impressed.
„magic“, max waved his hand in front of his face and laughed. he high five’d y/n next and smiled at the other drivers.
„max is scary when he smiles“, said oscar slow and quietly towards lando, who agreed soundlessly. „hey, watch it“, max then pointed out.
on the other side, daniel was standing close to y/n, studying every twitch on her face. looking at carlos they silently communicated. the older two each grabbed a hand of hers and pulled her towards the next hospitality.
as usual, lando, max and oscar didn’t notice the other three‘s disappearance.
the two mercedes drivers, fernando and charles were already waiting. as soon as the female driver noticed lewis‘ braids, she sprinted towards him.
he though that she would gleefully hug him, but thought differently. with an angry step she stood in front of him. „how dare you make a groupchat about my feelings!“, she pointed a finger at his chest.
although she was small, she was fearful. her finger digging painfully into his chest, twisting every other second.
the older driver caved under her touch and slouched: „i’m so sorry, i just wanted to help.“
„by creating a groupchat? you could’ve just talked to me“, she sighed. „i know, but i thought i wasn’t the right person“, he admitted. „lew, you’re always the right person to talk to me“, she smiled lightly, „don’t ever do that again though!“
„okay“, he agreed, „but front row, love! how excited are you?“
and then she explained her thoughts all over again. noticing max not being here to make a scary entrance again. she explained happily, how the dutch suddenly appeared in front of her and how he reminded her of the flying dutch.
george and nando stood there listening to their favourite driver and grinned at her expressions and exclamations. her arms were up in the air, face twisted to match each of her words.
if that young woman would not be like this ever again, they swore to change the whole world for her.
„i’ll miss her“, daniel whispered to lewis. „oh buddy, it’s official then, this your last race?“
daniel nodded: „they have to recruite liam or he’s free to whichever team signs him.“ lewis looked at his friend, they’ve known each other for so long. it‘ll be weird without the australian on the grid.
„does she know?“, he then asked. „no, wouldn’t want to jinx anything and take her spirits away“, daniel hummed. „i get it, you have to tell her after the race though. wouldn’t be fair if she found out through insta.“
oscar, lando and max then trailed in with pierre, alex and charles. looking at the scene in front of them;
y/n telling some sort of story with fernando and george watching them and lewis with daniel standing on the side talking with hushed voices.
„we should celebrate“, lando said out of the blue. the female driver gasped upon hearing the random suggestion and turned around to face her best friend.
„yes, oh my god, that is such a good idea“, she excitedly said. „what should we do?“
charles said, that they could order pizza. pierre disagreed and said, that they should rent out a restaurant and eat authentic food. oscar thinks, that they should treat themselves with some spa time (they think, that lily really has a grip on that man).
lando suggested they’d go to the cinema. carlos said, that they should just go back to the hotel and do a relaxing movie night. lewis suggested they take a stroll with roscoe and leo. max thought some laps on the sim would be enough to celebrate.
george thought, that exploring singapore would be fun. fernando was just happy to tag along. daniel wanted to go swimming somewhere. and y/n, she really wanted to bury her face in ice cream and enjoy the time with her boys.
so that’s what they did. bought loads of ice cream, rented some movies at her hotel, turned her room into a home cinema and ordered some pizza too, just for fun. and of course roscoe had to stay there too.
after all that celebration, y/n was so tired, she fell asleep on fernando. he gushed and ushered the others to take some pics.
after tucking her in, setting the alarm for the next day, they all bid their goodbyes and left y/n alone. except lando - he stayed.
he was her best friend after all and he had to talk about all of the stuff with her. but it could wait until the morning, he was pretty tired himself.
as the alarm clock rang, y/n jolted up, confused as to where she was. seeing her hotel room, she remembered yesterday and what they did. she then felt someone moving beside her, turning around she saw a head full of curls and knew not to worry.
„lando, what are you doing here?“, she giggled. the mclaren driver groaned and stuffed his face into the pillow. „i have to talk about the stuff with you“, he then said.
„and you had to stay here why?“ - „because i knew i wouldn’t catch you before you would leave for the paddock, only logical solution was to stay here with you“, he finally lifted up his head and grinned at his best friend.
she laughed a little and ruffled up his hair. „you’re cute, but we don’t need to talk.“
he shook his head and made some grunting noises, disagreeing with her statement. „but we do, i need to talk about it.“
she told him everything he wanted to know. from the first time she thought she was not enough, to the phone calls with seb and to her feeling better over time.
„just promise me you’ll talk to me next time, okay?“, he begged her at the end of their conversation. she nodded. „say it, say that you’ll talk to me.“ - „i will, i will talk to you, lando, i promise.“
„good, but now, let’s get ready to race“, he grinned and changed the subject. y/n almost forgot, that they had a race to drive. and that she was starting from p2! „let’s go“, she excitedly said.
the day almost went by like a blur. the two arrived at the paddock, parted ways at her garage, bid good luck to each other.
she started her training session? warmed up with her trainer, ate some food, went to the toilet, that’s important. and then she already had to attempt the drivers parade.
she has never felt this nervous before. standing on that wagon, waving to the fans, not wanting to let anyone down, but mostly not herself.
the compulsive thoughts were coming back and she tried to remember what seb taught her. she breathed in for eight seconds, held her breath for seven, breathed out for eight again and held for seven. she repeated the box breathing method and tried to focus on the here and now.
lando saw her struggling to maintain a happy face and went over to her. „s‘all good?“, he asked in a hushed voice.
she nodded softly; „just trying to stay in the moment and not drift too far into the future.“
lando nodded, kind of understanding what she meant and just stayed by her side until the parade was over. as they parted ways for the second time that day, he hugged her and wished her only the best of luck.
her pre-race-ritual was listening to music, so she whipped out her headphones and blasted her loudest music on her playlist.
she almost jumped as her race engineer tapped her shoulder, to inform her that it was time to get into the car.
even though the first half of the day felt sped up, now everything was moving in slow motion.
she felt like james bond or any other action movie hero. her headphones still blasting music, she imagined herself looking total badass getting into her car.
step by step, nodding her head along to the music. arms flung up into the air to squeeze herself into the car. she mouthed some of the words as a mechanic gave her her steering wheel.
slowly she placed it into the socket and clicked it into it. still, everyone was moving in slow motion. she closed her eyes for a second, just trying to find her inner peace.
the music faded, she concentrated on her heartbeat. feeling it slow down, beat per beat. as she opened her eyes, the world was back to normal speed.
she took off her headphones, handed them to someone standing around the car. she lifted up her gloves, put them on and clapped her hands together.
„let’s get going then, ey?“, y/n then said to her crew. no clear answer came back, just some reassuring noises from around.
her helmet was laying in front of her, she looked at her drivers number, traced it with her finger and swiftly put it on.
the car was then rolled on to the track, everything was buzzing. she heard her race engineer checking the coms. hustling around her were all of the mechanics.
y/n went over the track once again. she knew every corner, she felt every bump on the road. her body knew when to turn, when to slow down or speed up. she knew what to do, this was her race.
she proved it by overtaking lando on corner one, lap one. right after the start there was a new race leader and they were called y/n l/n.
a woman was leading a formula one race.
she took off, she didn’t have to think about it, it was all muscle memory.
little did she know, lando was cheering behind her. even max was grinning like a mad man. for once both of them were content with not winning.
history was made on that day. as y/n crossed that finish line she couldn’t believe what was happening.
„y/n l/n, you are a formula one grand prix winner!“, she just heard her race engineer through her coms.
„and there it is, the first woman to win an f1 race, can you believe that we’ve just witnessed history?“
„i cannot, oh this is just fantastic! y/n proved that she could win, even with a mediocre car, just imagine her in a redbull or ferrari. this is beautiful, unbelievable.“
the female drivers head was spinning. what does she have to do now? in her whole career she only had one podium. but she was pumped with adrenaline that moment, she really just can’t recall what she has to do now.
she figured she’d just follow lando in her car and behold, she ended up at parc fermé. parking her car in front of the stand with the number one on it, she climbed out of it.
fuck, what cool pose was she gonna do? she hadn’t thought about that. just, improvise, she thought.
i’d will be embarrassing either way, she thought next. she took out her steering wheel, disconnected her helmet from the car and coms and jumped out of the car.
and then she just fell to her knees. at first sobbing into her helmet and not believing everything that has happened so far.
but the sobs quickly turned into laughter. she bowed, just like sebastian did, in front of her car.
sighing with happiness she stood up from the ground. lando came running to her, scooping her up and basically throwing her around.
„my god, you did it! you really did it!“
that was the actual moment, y/n realised what just had happened. that she had just won a grand prix. that she had just written history. that she had just done it.
max was coming from the other side, almost skipping. when have you ever seen max verstappen skipping?
„oh wow, this must feel so great, huh?“, he asked. „like a mountain falling from my shoulders actually“, she said.
she wanted to say so much more, but she was pulled aside to weigh. that procedure she knew. and then, there was her team, ready to celebrate the young driver.
just like lando, she sprinted towards them and jumped into the team. she was lifted up, chants were heard throughout the whole parc fermé.
„congratulations y/n, i knew you’d write history one day“, her team principal congratulated her.
from the side of her eye she saw christian horner giving her two thumps up. the next moment he mouthed: „let’s talk.“
does this mean? oh my god.
her chain of thoughts were broken, as lando pulled her along in to the cool down room.
she laid her helmet on the pillar and took the pirelli hat from the stand. her heart had finally time to calm down.
max and lando were grinning like crazy, as they approached the young girl woman. „congratulations, y/n, well done, perfect driving, couldn’t have done it better myself“, max told her. „ahhh, we’re both race winners!“, lando then shouted.
„that’s true! oh my god, i can’t believe it, and in the same season, high five!“
„who do i spray with my champagne, you or max?“, she suddenly asked. both men laughed at her question. „you spray whoever you want.“
so that’s what she did. before that, she closed her eyes at the national anthem. quietly sang along. never felt this much pride before. received the trophy and placed it far, far away from lando and shook that chanpagne bottle to spray all of the people present at the podium.
she took a swig of the god awful champagne, she remembered from last time how nasty it tasted. and she held her promise she once had with daniel.
at her first win, she would do a shoey, without any hesitation. she took of her sweaty shoes, sat down on the podium, filled the shoe up to the rim, hopefully the first sip would have the least amount of sweat and just started chugging it.
if you were present that day, you heard daniel ricciardo shouting and yelling at her from parc fermé. his whistling may have been recorded by the cameras, but who knows, the whole world was whistling for her in that moment.
nothing would ever beat that feeling ever again. drenched in sweat and champagne, chugged the mix of it and a heart full of love in that moment. she grinned at her win.
°°°
taglist: i feel like, im not gonna tag anyone for this, bc i haven’t posted in such a long time and i don’t wanna bother anyone…
so if you’re on my taglist and don’t want to be on it anymore, just post a comment under this and i’ll remove you :)
#f1 x reader#formula 1#f1#gen z driver#gen z stuff#gen z!driver#genz!driver#genz driver#gen z f1#female driver#female f1 driver#f1 fluff#formula one#f1 x y/n#f1 x oc#f1 x female reader#charles leclerc x reader#carlos sainz x reader#daniel ricciardo x reader#max verstappen x reader#sebastian vettel x reader#lewis hamilton x reader#lando norris x reader#formula one x y/n#oscar piastri x reader
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I feel a lil bit better today after getting some rest in. I always feel better when I can spend a day at home. I think tomorrow I'll wear my noise cancelling headphones or something so I can chill even more.
...funny how my way to chill is just trying to eliminate all external stimuli
(Pt 1 for description rant)
#diary#personal#i rly wanna book a therapy appointment but im having a rly hard time trying to get myself to do that bc i need to check i can vid call#cuz my computer monitor is broke and havent fixed it yetttt ugh.#i rly feel like researching autism again. idk. i saw a video about communication badges being used at furry conventions#and by god that sounds so fun ;-; like. i really struggle with interaction with others and talking is sometimes really hard.#mainly bc if theres a lot of noise i usually wanna block it out and if i gotta take my earbuds out to comunicate all the time its not fun#idk. i just wish i could go around writting shit out for ppl to read and thats that. no need to speak to clerks or crap.#bc imma be honest. i have a hard time hearing too. like in crowded places. its so overwhelming all the time.#its both a good and a bad thing that im giving myself the permission to be overwhelmed in situations#but its also making it much more difficult to actually be in those situations.#idk. i used to force myself through it. tell myself i like it or whatever. but by god everything just hurts nowadays#like. i dont like leaving my house mostly bc of the sensory overload.#i wonder how things'll change in the future. just how much more accepting will i and society be. i dont know.#but i hope i learn to cope more. bc life is really hard and imma be honest im struggling at best.#idk. i find it so hard to work lately. i love my thoughts. they are so fluid. and just. language doesnt keep up.#everything i say or write isnt quite right. and it bothers me. i sorta wished telepathy existed just soley so i could comunicate#idk maybe someday ill learn sign language. and maybe that could help. but it wouldnt help when im shut down. or having a meltdown#yknow. i find face to face human to human contacr really scary. i worry theyll want to do something and i wont#i worry i wont be able to get across my reasoning as to why. i worry that theyll see just how odd my behaviour can be.#and above all i just sorta worry they wont work with me to meet me halfway. like. im stuck with my family i dont want that with friends too#i hope if i visit them itll be okay. that like. i wont cause a problem or accidentally offend them or something?#idk. i wanna make friends n hang out. but as ive gotten older ive discovered just how much i hate that.#like i saw a rly cool tik tok about how they set up their home for all their autistic friends when they come over.#like. its established you can just stop talking and remove urself if you wanna. and theres stim toys n plushies n shit. and low lighting#and just. that sounds like heaven. i struggle so much in social situations. bc i eventually get tired.#and it makes me feel sorta burnt out/depressed. so itd be nice if i could just remove myself from a stituation whenever.#or just lay my head down on someones lap and silently observe.#i wish i knew what to do when i get overwhelmed in public. bc it happens a lot. and i freeze. and idk what to do.#and ill cry and get overwhelmed and shutdown or meltdown. and i start to aimlessly wander and its sorta dangerous tbh?
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