#good news is the social isolation thing will improve Tomorrow

[dirt-goth]

Part if me is feeling really helpless about life and a bigger part of me is like "hey buddy we are suffering right now because we haven't seen any of our friends in nearly 2 months, we have been spending our free time studying war crimes, we also were literally couldn't eat without gwtting nauseous for like 2 days this week so we may be a bit malnourished" and while providing all these explanations there is. Very little being done to solve this in an effective manner.

[dzpenumbra]

5/30/23

It's odd saying I'm starting this early at 3:45 AM, but I guess that's what happens when you start drinking coffee at 5 PM.

I, once again, didn't really do much today. And I'm not horribly bummed about it, honestly. Today, it's okay.

I'm feeling a bit aimless. And... going through that whole... "my art isn't going anywhere, I could be working on 'something better'" thing. It's obnoxious. At least I don't just blindly submit to it now, that's improvement.

The current open projects are: the skull, the wooden bead necklaces, the abstract ink drawings. And... none of them are really calling me right now. The skull, I kinda hit a mental block design-wise. The beads, I have to pick a day and go out and try out this spray acrylic sealer I've never used before, and figure out how to suspend beads to spray them, but without them touching each other, so they don't stick together. That kinda just put me off a bit, honestly. Long term, it might be a better idea to find a sealer that isn't Mod Podge, that doesn't have that tacky finish to it. I don't know. Or I should just bite the bullet and give it a go and see how it turns out. The abstract ink drawings? Well... I'm running into that age-old nasty reflex trained into me from a young age. I don't know if it's an American thing, a modern era thing, or just the upbringing I had... but the whole "how do I sell this?" reflex is like... good lord, it's so unbelievably anti-creativity.

Nothing in my life has killed more creative ideas than the thought "how do I sell this? Will this sell? Can I pay my bills with this?" It's so deeply unsettling. It's like... maybe not even at a conscious level... this social system is designed to... discourage creative thought. I mean, just look around. Which has more incentive? Making something that follows analytic trends and formulas? Or making something truly reflective of you as a creative, truly unique? Which is better rewarded?

I don't feel like soapboxing, the whole topic makes me so deeply depressed that I struggle to even put it into words. It just feels like we're in this phase of reboots and milking nostalgia dry for cash and copy-pasting memes and using AI to make illusions of creativity. It feels like... an age of imitation, where everyone is copying others, who are also faking it. And my life-goal in all of this? To just be as true to the concepts I stumble across as I can. And be as true to my experience and process as possible.

I feel like there's a difference between being creative and being industrious. And I don't know if support for creatives is very common out there anymore. But, of course, my perspective is very biased and comes from a place of isolation... so... maybe there are tons of people nurturing creativity... and I'm just craving it. I'm just disconnected from it. I don't know.

I said I'm not going to soapbox, so I'm done. Again, it just bums me out too much, and I'm sure it's not completely true... rather, more a reflection of my fears. Because if it were true? What purpose do I have? That's spooky, you know? But that's the old "you need to create value for others" crap I got drilled into my head by my mom talking.

So yeah, maybe what I need to do tomorrow is... okay, let's try prepping a few new test beads and taking them outside and spraying them. That way I don't have to worry about "ruining" the beads I have already made. I'll do a few that are just ink dyed and a few with Mod Podge on them. Then, if that process ends up going okay and the results are good, I'll be good to just go spray the whole batch. And the plan right now is to use copper wire or string to suspend them, and put cardboard underneath so I'm not spraying all over the grass or whatever. I don't know, I'll figure the rest out when I get there. The goal is to do that tomorrow, we'll see how that plays out.

I did yoga this morning and god was it a welcome return. I enjoyed it. But... I found some bugs on my jasmine plant. I honestly have no clue how they got there, I'm guessing they came with the cutting? I have no clue. I'm praying they didn't infest my tomato or my chili, I'm going to check them before bed to make sure. They were these weird things that looked like pillbugs, or roly-polys (however you spell that), I'm guessing some kind of plant lice, gross little shits. I just plucked them off and flung them out the window. So... that was a bummer... but...

The jasmine bloomed today. And the whole apartment smelled of it. They smell very strong, and... there really aren't a ton of flowers either... so... XD I may have bit off more than I could chew? I hope not. I've been a bit anxious about it, like... that's one thing I didn't really take into consideration before buying what will grow into a full fucking bush... whether I will like the aroma... It was really a leap of faith with it, and I really did just get the plant because of the novelty of it blooming at night. The scent is intense, but it's not bad, it's just going to take some getting used to. I spent a little time today looking up bonsais, and seeing whether you can make this species into a bonsai, and apparently you can. So... that could be a thing down the line.

So yeah, I played a bit of Risk of Rain earlier in the day, I took care of the plants, I took a shower, I did laundry, I cooked some food, I watched the tail-end of a stream, and I've just sorta been floating around since.

I've been trying to listen for my inspiration, but it feels distant right now. It feels... dull, like music on the other side of a thick wall. Speaking of music... I played guitar a bunch today, so that was good. The only real inspiration that called me today was... I realized a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore. And are getting really old and beaten up. And I've always... I mean always been the kind of person that wears clothes until they are literally unwearable. To the point where I actually want to learn how to tailor, or at least patch clothing so I can extend its lifespan. But in my laundry today was that old white Parkway Drive wifebeater... and that thing is basically yellow at this point. I never really saw the color change because of how gradual it was, but years of sweat and smoke and age... yeah, I think it's time to retire it. But... my inspiration chimed in and said... "hey, you know... you could just... order some blank shirts off that place you got that fabric paint from... And get some fabric for wall hangings too, while you're at it... and get that delivered to the building. Then you can just make your own shirts. And you can make fabric art for like... display, too. Like tapestries and shit." And... it's not a half-bad idea.

But this reflex comes out and intercepts. Guess which one? The money one. Of course. In a very smart and practical tone of voice, too. And it says "hey bud, that's cool and all but... are you really going to invest more money into a project like this when you already have... how many open projects?"

And I struggle to maintain a balance there. In my experience, I make my best work when I follow whatever I'm inspired to work on. Even if that means a project lays dormant for years at a time. Even if that means some projects get started and never get finished. I feel like that's just sorta... the nature of the beast. This isn't like cooking or something, where once you start cooking something you kinda have to finish cooking it... or building a house, or something? I don't know. Like... let's take a piece I did last winter. It's a piece of cardboard, probably 5 inches by 12 inches, I painted a black border around it, a green and yellow organic pattern as a background and big all-caps lettering "BE HERE NOW" on it in gold ink. And it sat on my tables and cabinets and shit for months. And I took the opportunity, when I was sealing the yellow beads, to finally add a coat of Mod Podge to it to seal it and call it "finished". Is it actually "finished"? Fuck no! I could add edges to it to camouflage that it's made of cardboard. I could just use pushpins to mount it on the wall. I could mount it with cardstock and set it in a picture frame and hang it on my wall. There's tons of shit I could still do with it, even with the final coat on it. All work is a work in progress. Or, better put by one of my mentors, gone well before his time: "Art is never finished, only stopped."

So... maybe I should be a little gentler on myself, and give myself some leeway. I'm just... it's the money part. It's fucking money, I swear, every time. Every goddamn creative problem I have comes back to it. Ugh. Oh well. I'll think that over tomorrow. It's probably not as expensive as I think it is.

Birds are starting to chirp and... god this is so weird to say, I guess I'll get used to it in time... it smells different in here. XD I think the flowers closed up. Maybe it's in my head and I'm just used to the smell, I don't know... Either way, it's getting late, so.... tarot time!

First Position - Past - IV: The Emperor (A powerful, dominant, strategic and protective figure of great influence and reach.  Symbolically, important changes, a shift in power, new responsibilities or authority. Adjacently symbolizes stability.) Second Position - Present - Ace of Wands, inverted (Inspiration, creativity, fresh ideas.  The seed of confidence you need to embark on a new creative journey.) Third Position - Future - Ace of Cups (A new relationship and the accompanying surge of emotions.  Getting in touch with your feelings.  Matters of the heart.  A deepening bond.)

Alright... here we go. So... this thread sources from either a strong male figure, myself as a strong male figure, or the concepts that come along with that. Stability, growth, expansion, protection. I was putting this card description into my Google Doc notes because this was the first time I've drawn it and... I have a section in there for "Personal Association/Memory", to help me learn the cards at a very personal level and... I was drawing a blank. I really haven't had many... I would venture to even say any figures like that in my life. And because of that... I kinda took on that role myself. And set it as a goal for myself. To be a good role model, and... maybe someday... a good father. It was a very "goes without saying" goal of mine my entire adult life... until very recently. I guess since I crossed the 35 year mark. And I started trying to ground myself in the reality that I... may go to my grave never being a father. And that's okay, I guess. I was a father for my pets, and I was a really good dad for them, at least towards the end once I got my shit together. So... I guess... this card might be referring to... my inner Dad. The part of myself that keeps me safe, keeps me secure, keeps me protected and stable and responsible. That's my theory on this.

That Emperor symbol from the Past is connected to... an inverted Ace of Wands. Aces are the beginnings of the journey of that element, and Wands is creativity/creation. And the second I drew that card, I chuckled, because I spent pretty much this entire journal entry (and last one) talking about creative block and a lack of inspiration. Or, at least, dysfunction with my inspiration. And the inverted Ace of Wands is the embodiment of that. So... pretty straight-forward there.

What that's connected to, as an outcome in the Future... is the Ace of Cups. We got this a few days ago. The Ace of Cups is the start down the journey of emotions, perhaps social connection. It's that giant surge of emotions you get on a first date. At least, that's how I've been reading the card; as a giant outburst or influx of emotions. In that context, this narrative makes sense to me.

How I'm reading this... is that I have a protective figure inside me... maybe it's the budget guy? The "will it sell" guy? The "will you ever make enough to pay rent" guy? Who is trying to keep me safe in a very practical, fatherly way. He's looking out for me. "Don't just go buying t-shirts and cloth and stuff, you have projects to work on already, just write it down and come back to it, we're on a budget right now." That inner fatherly voice, keeping my creative self in check from impulsively ordering. But this practical Emperor... can cause disruptions with my inspiration. I mean, I was literally complaining about it this entire post! "hey bud, that's cool and all but... are you really going to invest more money into a project like this when you already have... how many open projects?" I fucking quoted it! And that's literally snuffing out an inspiration spark before it has a chance to take root, because it's not in the budget. It's not finding a way to make it work, it's not figuring out what work I can do on that project with what I have on hand... it's just diverting my attention away from my inspiration and back over to my other projects. Which obviously puts my inspiration and creative project into disarray. And the result of this? If it goes unchecked? Well... that's the part I've been trying to understand, because... I kinda got the vibe from Ace of Cups that it was a "positive" card... like a "welcome to a new relationship" kinda card... but... in this context, it really doesn't feel that way. It feels like it's a giant surge of emotion, and me submitting to that emotion, or being powerless to it. Not necessarily being out of control or in disorder from it, but being consumed by it. And that would probably be... anxiety? Depression? Frustration? I guess.

I'm a bit shaky on the last bit, because... again... if that Ace of Cups was inverted it would make perfect sense to me. But... I mean... given the context of the other cards... I just don't really see any big primal outpouring of emotions coming from an inverted Ace of Wands being... good emotions...

So... my inner Father is being a bit too tough on me and is stifling my creativity... and I need to regulate and tweak the way I do that a bit or... I could be headed to a big emotional surge that isn't necessarily a good one. That makes sense to me.

Alright, it's late. Well... early. Whatever. I'm heading to bed.

[codenamed-queenie]

#BatsInQuarantine

I am going insane. So I poured my restlessness into one long and very detailed post and got super into it. Please enjoy this hot mess.

The Justice League, being the well-meaning virus-proof Super Friends that they are, took one good look at the news, one good look at their non-powered friends Ollie, Bruce, and their families, and collectively decided that these normal humans must be Protected At All Costs.

Now, keep in mind, Bruce is never one to roll over when it comes to being benched. 

However, he understands the importance of social distancing. He knows he needs to set a good example for his kids, and keep up appearances as Gotham’s Most Responsible Multi-Billionaire. 

So. Quarantine it is. 

But how are his kids handling it?

Dick - 

100% on board in the beginning. Gotta do the Responsible Thing. Gotta set a Good Example. Besides, guys, this is gonna be Fun. Quality Family Time is always a Must.

He lasted 2 days. 

Then he started to get twitchy. 

And as everyone knows? A Trapped Dick Grayson is a Feral Dick Grayson.

He bounces off the walls.

Literally.

“I have to climb.” 

“Dick, no.”  

“I have to climb everything.”

Has scaled the manor 16 times already. Has climbed the chandelier. The banister. Bruce. The roof. The Cave. Anything in the house that’s been bolted down and especially anything that hasn’t. 

Duke found him clinging to the wall 10 ft off the ground like Spiderman and screamed so loud it shattered glass. 

Desperate for news of the outside. 

He thrives off of it like a starving man. 

Was the one to suggest he and Barbara take a break to Social Distance from each other (”Sorry, babe, kissing spreads germs”) and experienced Instant Regret(TM) approximately 5 minutes after. 

The Family has labelled him a Flight Risk Level 1 (Most likely to say f**k it and make a break for the outside world)

Jason - 

Accidentally got trapped inside the manor with the others when Bruce called Shutdown. If he had his way, he’d be chilling in his favorite safe-house right now, binging The Witcher with Roy and Artemis, and not worrying about finding a stray brother in his sock drawer.

But he’s nothing if not an opportunist. 

The way he sees it, Jason has 3 options:

Self Improvement

Self Isolation (See Duke, Cass, and Damian)

Descension Into Madness (See Dick and Steph)

And, well, he always wanted to try a few things. Now he’s got the free time to do it.

So he settles on baking. 

Alfred’s got enough food and raw ingredients stored up to feed an army. (Not because he’s a Panic-Buying-Hoarder in times like these. But because he’s a Panic-Buying-Hoarder all the time. Just try feeding 11+ teenagers sometime.)

Uses recipes he finds off Google.

His first few attempts are, in a word, ‘tragic’.

Alfred slips him a few of his recipe cards, and Jason suddenly starts seeing Results. 

Turns out he’s pretty good at this baking thing once he gets the hang of it. 

Hope everyone’s okay eating nothing but pie, macaroons, biscuits, and whatever else Jason whips up. 

Cause that’s gonna be the only food left by the time he’s done. 

Barbara - 

Self-quarantined with her dad. 

They’ve been binge-watching classic black and white movies together.

It’s a fun time, but she’s started to get a little antsy. Loving her dad and wanting to be around him 24/7 are, understandably, mutually exclusive. 

Calls the manor to video-chat every day.

For her sanity just as much as theirs. 

Gives everyone little challenges to film on their phones and send in. She makes compilations of everyone’s submissions so they can all watch and laugh together. 

Bonus points for Creativity

One comp shows the family trying to drop Mentos into coke bottles. 

Dick did a handstand, and dropped his Mento from the second story balcony. 

Tim did it wearing the Batman cowl. The soda exploded into his face, and the rest of the video is just Bruce’s Shrieking.

Stephanie tried it, but the bottle tipped. Everyone on camera screamed as the bottle rocketed through the front window. 

She spends most of her calls having one-on-one convos with Dick.

They’ve come up with little code phrases so they can be Cheesy even with family members lurking in the background. 

She thinks the way he clings to the monitor is cute. 

Almost like he’s giving her a hug through the screen. 

(It’s easier than letting herself worry about his mental state, at least)

Tim -

Oh this boy.

Freaked out for the first five minutes before he decided ‘hey wait, Bruce is letting me stay in my pajamas all day? Noice.’ 

Now he’s just vibing.

The rest of his family is Low-Key shielding him.

He Has No Spleen, you see.

Steph: “Someone could cough on him and he could die!”

He just goes about his day, playing Animal Crossing like there’s no tomorrow, tinkering on projects, taking naps, etc. Living his best life.

Meanwhile there’s always someone lurking behind him, keeping watch, keeping him safe. 

Dick sneezed within 5 feet of Tim once (the fact that he was on top of the dusty bookshelf Tim was perusing is irrelevant)

Jason still full-body tackled him the second Tim’s back was turned. 

No one with any symptoms--

Like, any symptoms. They don’t even have to be Corona-related.

--is allowed within 10 feet of Tim. 

Tim has been wandering the manor for weeks, now, without seeing another human being. 

(He sees Dick on the ceiling sometimes, but that doesn’t really count)

He’s been trying increasingly drastic pranks and shenanigans to draw someone, anyone, out. 

But it doesn’t matter how many times he steals Damian’s sword, or sets fire to Jason’s brownie bites.

Nobody wants to risk it. 

Cass - 

No one has seen her since quarantine started.

Everyone is approximately 87% sure she’s somewhere in the manor though

Because she does eat the meals Alfred leaves out for her.

Or at least someone does, at any rate. 

(Jason and Santa top the running suspects list)

Santa was Steph’s suggestion. For some reason it snowballed. 

It’s assumed that Cass misunderstood the meaning of ‘social distancing’ and took it too far. 

But no one knows for sure. 

She is Tim’s Guardian Angel. 

People who so much as clear their throats a little too loudly anywhere near him suddenly wake up on a different floor of the house four hours later. 

Duke came closest to spotting her while he was up in the attic. 

Either that, or there’s another Creepy Sister everyone forgot to tell him about living up there.

She is silent, and watchful, sticking to the shadows, but she does leave the occasional note out to brighten her siblings’ day. 

Things like ‘helo i love u’ and ‘hop u ar ok’  mostly. 

She is bound and determined to protect her family from this invisible threat, no matter the cost. 

Steph - 

Like Dick, she was Super Pumped at first. 

(Just kind of showed up at Wayne Manor before quarantine was enacted. The original purpose of her visit is unclear, but regardless, she’s Trapped.)

Also Like Dick, her descent into madness was swift.

She is impossible to pin down. 

Not like Cass or Damian, who’ve stayed off the grid, and are therefore Untraceable. 

No. She’s impossible to pin down, because she never stops moving. 

Switches seamlessly between Zumba on top of the Giant Dinosaur in the Batcave, and furiously knitting Alfred (the Cat) a sweater with a pair of Tim’s used chopsticks. 

Braided everyone’s hair while they were asleep.

Even Bruce’s. 

She tried to do Tim’s, but somehow blacked out and regained consciousness in the attic. 

When she woke up with a scream and a furiously twitching eye, she startled Duke out of his Makeshift Fort he built out of old cardboard boxes and antique furniture. He’s had to resort to finding a new hiding place. 

Sometimes, on the rare occasions she does sit still, staring off into the distance, she’ll suddenly start laughing hysterically. This may last between thirty seconds and thirty minutes, depending entirely on how long it’s been since she’s knitted a cat sweater or done cartwheels through every room in the house.

Blew up the greenhouse out back, somehow.

Everyone has agreed not to talk about it.

Some people were built to handle prolonged time inside their homes.

Stephanie Brown is not that way.

Damian - 

Damian Wayne Cannot Be Contained.

At least not inside the house. 

He took off thirty-six hours into quarantine. 

Thanks to the security equipment around the borders of the Wayne Estate, he can’t escape the grounds. 

(He’s tried and failed multiple times. Jason and Bruce have a running bet on how many times the perimeter alarms will go off per day.)

(Jason is winning.)

He wanders the grounds with Titus as his only companion. 

The two of them run laps, practice drills, and find ways to occupy their time. 

No one’s entirely sure what those ways are. 

In fact, nobody knows exactly where Damian is at any given time. 

Only that he is Out There. 

And he’s the best security system Wayne Manor’s ever had. 

So far, he’s stopped five groups of civilians scaling the perimeter walls before the lasers and electric nets even have a chance to deploy.

They were trying to break in and steal supplies. 

(Even ones they already had in surplus. Like Toilet Paper.)

He’s also stopped Dick from escaping twelve (12) times.

Drags him back by his shirt collar and deposits him on the welcome mat. 

Usually with a note for Alfred/Jason, requesting more fruit tarts. 

Duke - 

Did not leave the attic for two weeks. 

Then Steph discovered his hiding spot (read: was dumped there by Cassandra) which forced him to relocate to the basement. 

Yes, it turns out Wayne Manor does have a basement. 

This was a surprise to Duke, who always thought that the Batcave was Bruce Wayne’s basement. 

Alfred keeps him supplied with all the necessities:

i.e. food, magazines, assorted pastries from Jason’s latest batch, usually straight out of the oven.

Duke also snagged the Manor’s Alexa. 

She has become a sort of ‘Wilson’ to Duke’s ‘Chuck Noland’.

She is his only comfort. His only ally. 

He’s determined to wait out this quarantine, doing his best to avoid the others. 

Duke has seen these people under pressure. 

He knows exactly what he’s dealing with. 

Duke: “Alexa is the only motherf****r in this madhouse I ever respected.”

*offended butler noises from the other room*

Duke: “And also Alfred.”

[im-the-punk-who]

On Monday night, Mulaney opened up in ways no one had been expecting. He read aloud from a GQ interview he had no recollection of participating in, and he recapped how, after an initial stint in rehab in September, he relapsed after hosting SNL in late October, then began an unexpected stint as a writer-performer on Late Night With Seth Meyers the following month, to try to impose some structure on his life. In December, his friends staged an intervention that led to his second, publicized rehab stint, which lasted through late February. By the time of his first City Winery show, he told the audience, he was 141 days sober.[..]

A lot of Mulaney’s classic jokes hinge on taking not very serious things very seriously — he is a master of faux exasperation — but it is a challenge when the subject matter is, in fact, quite serious. How social anxiety has contributed to his drug use is not something one can easily be flippant about. Pettiness, which has always been in his act in small doses, came to the forefront. He spent a large portion of the set complaining about his intervention, organized by his college friends and his celebrity friends. How dare they trick him into thinking he was getting dinner? Why, in a room of the 12 funniest people he knows, was no one being funny?[..]

By the time this material is filmed, you’ll see less a new and improved John Mulaney, but an older, more mature one. You know how when a caterpillar is turning into a butterfly, their entire body decomposes before recomposing, so if you were to cut the chrysalis open in the middle, it would be just gross goo? Last night was like that goo. With most of the material, Mulaney didn’t come off particularly well; he knew that, and leaned into it. The most exhilarating moments were when he would make fun of the tone of overwhelming support he got when the news of his drug addiction first came out. He would reveal something shitty he did to his friends and quickly remind the audience, “It’s a disease.”[..]

When he said his relationship with audiences is the longest lasting, most intimate one of his life, many began to clap. He cringed and asked them to stop — he hadn’t meant it was a good thing. [..]

Mulaney is trying to create material that is both funny and says something about addiction, public perception, truth, fame, being a good guy, and how a person should be. He is working toward something great, but, for right now, he’s just working.

I’m reading this article and watching John Mulaney’s recovery while re-reading Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly - particularly the chapter about numbing and addiction.

In the book Brown points out that addiction is usually born of an attempt to hide from disconnection, anxiety, and depression - something that John Mulaney also commented on in his recent show.

As I thought back to my own numbing history, understanding how shame magnifies anxiety and disconnection provided me with answers to questions that I’ve had for years. I didn’t start drinking to drown my sorrows: I just needed something to do with my hands.[..]

For me, vulnerability led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light. For many of us, the literal chemical anesthetizing of emotions is just a pleasant, albeit dangerous, side effect of behaviors that are more about fitting in, finding connection, and managing anxiety.

- Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

He began drinking at thirteen—initially, he says, to deal with the awkwardness of adolescence, and then to excess, because “alcohol is addictive,” he says, and he didn’t want to stop. “I drank for attention,” he tells me. “I was really outgoing, and then at twelve, I wasn’t. I didn’t know how to act. And then I was drinking, and I was hilarious again.” Drugs soon followed. “I never liked smoking pot. Then I tried cocaine, and I loved it. I wasn’t a good athlete, so maybe it was some young male thing of ‘This is the physical feat I can do. Three Vicodin and a tequila and I’m still standing. Who’s the athlete now?’”

-John Mulaney, Esquire interview

And then I’m thinking about how sobriety can only be so much of the answer, because addiction is only so much of the problem. We can’t fix the destructive effects of addiction if we cannot combat the societal reasons people turn to numbing - be it with drugs or food or work, or anything else. I’m so happy to see Mulaney continue talking frankly about not just his addiction, but why and how those struggles are connected to other things he struggles with. How he has struggled with accepting help - that he still wants to use.

When Mulaney revealed that he felt his relationship with the audience was his most intimate and long lasting one, I almost cried. Because I feel that. I have felt that. Connection - true, genuine connection, is the only thing I’ve ever found that helped with my own addictions, but that false sense of it that can come from being funny and popular can be so insidiously similar. But it is impossible to do this alone. As with so many disorders and problems born out of social isolation, social connection is the only answer.

IMO, it’s why harm-reduction programs work so well - because they do not require anything of a person before they offer help and support. There is no ‘tomorrow you will be’. It is always ‘who are you today and how can i support you.’

And I hope that is what people take away from Mulaney putting his struggles so clearly on display, and talking about them so openly in his new work. And I also hope that he is able to continue working on building himself a support network and strengthening the bonds of the people who helped him this time. I really, deeply look forward to seeing where he takes himself, and I’m honestly just so moved by the parts of his journey he is sharing. It is a vulnerability that takes so much courage, to let people see you fall down like this, and be open about how, and why, and how far you’ve fallen. And how hard it is to stand back up.

All the love and support to John, and to anyone else struggling the way he (and I, and so many people) do.

[the-courage-to-heal]

How to Fight Depression: 20 Things to Try:

Depression can drain your energy, leaving you feeling empty and fatigued. This can make it difficult to muster the strength or desire to seek treatment. However, there are small steps you can take to help you feel more in control and improve your overall sense of well-being. Read on to learn how to incorporate these strategies in a way that makes sense for you.

1. Meet yourself where you are

Depression is common. It affects millions of people, including some in your life. You may not realize they face similar challenges, emotions, and obstacles. Every day with this disorder is different. It’s important to take your mental health seriously and accept that where you are right now isn’t where you’ll always be. The key to self-treatment for depression is to be open, accepting, and loving toward yourself and what you’re going through.

2. If you need to wallow, wallow — but do so constructively

Suppressing your feelings and emotions may seem like a strategic way to cope with the negative symptoms of depression. But this technique is ultimately unhealthy. If you’re having a down day, have it. Let yourself feel the emotions — but don’t stay there. Consider writing or journaling about what you’re experiencing. Then, when the feelings lift, write about that, too. Seeing the ebb and flow of depressive symptoms can be instructive for both self-healing and hope.

3. Know that today isn’t indicative of tomorrow

Today’s mood, emotions, or thoughts don’t belong to tomorrow. If you were unsuccessful at getting out of bed or accomplishing your goals today, remember that you haven’t lost tomorrow’s opportunity to try again. Give yourself the grace to accept that while some days will be difficult, some days will also be great. Try to look forward to tomorrow’s fresh start.

4. Assess the parts instead of generalizing the whole

Depression can tinge recollections with negative emotions. You may find yourself focusing on the one thing that went wrong instead of the many things that went right. Try to stop this overgeneralization. Push yourself to recognize the good. If it helps, write down what was happy about the event or day. Then write down what went wrong. Seeing the weight you’re giving to one thing may help you direct your thoughts away from the whole and to the individual pieces that were positive.

5. Do the opposite of what the ‘depression voice’ suggests

The negative, irrational voice in your head may talk you out of self-help. However, if you can learn to recognize it, you can learn to replace it. Use logic as a weapon. Address each thought individually as it occurs. If you believe an event won’t be fun or worth your time, say to yourself, “You might be right, but it’ll be better than just sitting here another night.” You may soon see the negative isn’t always realistic

6. Set attainable goals

A lengthy to-do list may be so weighty that you’d rather do nothing. Instead of compiling a long list of tasks, consider setting one or two smaller goals.

For example:

Don’t clean the house; take the trash out. Don’t do all the laundry that’s piled up; just sort the piles by color. Don’t clear out your entire email inbox; just address any time-sensitive messages. When you’ve done a small thing, set your eyes on another small thing, and then another. This way, you have a list of tangible achievements and not an untouched to-do list.

7. Reward your efforts

All goals are worthy of recognition, and all successes are worthy of celebration. When you achieve a goal, do your best to recognize it. You may not feel like celebrating with a cake and confetti, but recognizing your own successes can be a very powerful weapon against depression’s negative weight. The memory of a job well-done may be especially powerful against negative talk and overgeneralization.

8. You may find it helpful to create a routine

If depressive symptoms disrupt your daily routine, setting a gentle schedule may help you feel in control. But these plans don’t have to map out an entire day. Focus on times when you feel the most disorganized or scattered. Your schedule could focus on the time before work or right before bed. Perhaps it’s only for the weekends. Focus on creating a loose, but structured, routine that can help you keep your daily pace going.

9. Do something you enjoy...

Depression can push you to give into your fatigue. It may feel more powerful than happy emotions. Try to push back and do something you love — something that’s relaxing, but energizing. It could be playing an instrument, painting, hiking, or biking. These activities can provide subtle lifts in your mood and energy, which may help you overcome your symptoms.

10. ...like listening to music

Music can be a great way to boost your mood and improve symptoms of depression. It may also help you strengthenTrusted Source your reception of positive emotions. Music may be especially beneficial when performed in group settings, such as a musical ensemble or band. You can also reap some of the same rewards simply by listening.

11. Or spend time in nature

Mother Nature can have a powerful influence on depression. Exposure to sunlight may offer some of the same benefits. It can increase your serotonin levels, which can provide a temporary mood boost. Consider taking a walk at lunch among the trees or spending some time in your local park. Or plan a weekend hike. These activities can help you reconnect with nature and soak in some rays at the same time.

12. Or spend time with loved ones

Depression can tempt you to isolate yourself and withdraw from your friends and family, but face-to-face time can help wash away those tendencies. If you’re unable to spend time together in person, phone calls or video chats can also be helpful. Try to remind yourself these people care about you. Resist the temptation to feel like you’re a burden. You need the interaction — and they likely do, too.

13. Try something new entirely

When you do the same thing day after day, you use the same parts of your brain. You can challenge your neurons and alter your brain chemistry by doing something entirely different. Research also shows doing new things can improve your overall well-being and strengthen your social relationships. To reap these benefits, consider trying a new sport, taking a creative class, or learning a new cooking technique.

14. Volunteering can be a great way to do both

Knock out a few birds with one stone — spending time with other people and doing something new — by volunteering and giving your time to someone or something else. You may be used to receiving help from friends, but reaching out and providing help may actually improve your mental health more.

Bonus: People who volunteer experience physical benefits, too. This includes a reduced risk of hypertension.

15. You can also use this as a way to practice gratitude

When you do something you love, or even when you find a new activity you enjoy, you may be able to boost your mental health more by taking time to be thankful for it. Research shows gratitude can have lasting positive effects on your overall mental health. What’s more, writing down your gratitude — including writing notes to others — can be particularly meaningful.

16. Incorporating meditation may help ground your thoughts

Stress and anxiety can prolong your depression symptoms. Finding relaxation techniques can help you lower stress and invite more joy and balance into your day. Research suggests activities like meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and even journaling may help you improve your sense of well-being and feel more connected to what’s happening around you.

17. What you eat and drink can also affect how you feel

There’s no magic diet that will treat depression. But what you put into your body can have a real and significant impact on the way you feel. Eating a diet rich in lean meats, vegetables, and grains may be a great place to start. Try to limit stimulants like caffeine, coffee, and soda, and depressants like alcohol. Some people also feel better and have more energy when they avoid sugar, preservatives, and processed foods.

18. If you’re up for exercise, consider a walk around the block

On days when you feel as if you can’t get out of bed, exercise may seem like the last thing you’d want to do. However, exercise and physical activity can be powerful depression fighters. Research suggests that, for some people, exercise can be as effective as medication at relieving depression symptoms. It may also help prevent future depressive episodes. If you’re able to, take a walk around the block. Start with a five-minute walk and work your way up from there.

19. Getting enough sleep can also have a noticeable effect

Sleep disturbances are common with depression. You may not sleep well, or you may sleep too much. Both can make depression symptoms worse. Aim for eight hours of sleep per night. Try to get into a healthy sleeping routine. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day can help you with your daily schedule. Getting the proper amount of sleep may also help you feel more balanced and energized throughout your day.

20. Consider clinical treatment

You may also find it helpful to speak to a professional about what you’re going through. A general practitioner may be able to refer you to a therapist or other specialist. They can assess your symptoms and help develop a clinical treatment plan tailored to your needs. This may include traditional options, such as medication and therapy, or alternative measures, such as acupuncture. Finding the right treatment for you may take some time, so be open with your provider about what is and isn’t working. Your provider will work with you to find the best option.

source

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Hello tumblr,

Boy, it’s been a moment or two. I haven’t left tumblr by any means really in the last year and a half, but it became less a part of my life when I moved to Portland two years ago and got involved with people and had a social life there for awhile and a love life and now I am 30. I started tumblr at 22. I was so much more naive. I’m sorry to all the folks who wanted to keep reading my life story. I do swear that I will get back to it someday, but even rereading it I see things I left out and perspectives I forced on my audience when I could have left the truth more open. I don’t stand by some of the values I had even two years ago.It’s not bad, but I feel like it needs to be gone over. It’s been suggested by people that I shouldn’t do that, but I have a strong sense that I know what I should do.

I’ve been feeling the weight of time and limitations of health both mental and physical, financial and just the circumstances of living in an environmentally unsustainable late stage capitalism position where I can bank on nothing and so much is up in the air. And I know I’m still young, but not that young anymore. I missed out on a lot in my twenties and I know I won’t get a lot of that back. And I don’t feel like I can plan ahead. I feel very trapped, enormously lonely and isolated. I know it’s eating at me all the time, but I feel like acknowledging it (as I am ironically doing it now), makes It bigger and more painful. But it’s getting to the point where I have nothing to lose.

I’m in a situation where I have troubled friendships. People who love me and I love them but there are several reasons we can’t be close. I look at the way the world is headed and I have this lack of enthusiasm in me because I feel like people are going to get more isolated and more unhappy and feel empty and deterministically realistic about the lack of prospects of what they can look forward to, I feel like everything is getting unstable and worse. And nobody wants to talk about it, to inspect it or even laugh about it. I see growing trends of fascism, a sense of withdrawing in ones self and into technology that everyone I know is guilty of, myself definitely included, the commodification or gentrification of acts of rebellion or individualist acts that one can take to protest the status quo through art or media. There seems to be no valid way to stop the way the world is headed or what people are doing collectively, or ultimately how to even demonize all but a select few. And even them, as shitty as it is to say, the same rules of the universe that created trees also created Jeff Bezos.

I feel like hedonism gets misunderstood. I consider myself to be a hedonist and I’ve been holding out for a future of excitement or sense of euphoria or positive paradigm shift for about a year now. It started when I lost my job last year, and Went through a semi abusive relationship that left me emotionally drained. I feel like after that I kept getting on my horse and falling off two weeks later. It’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to lie to myself when I do have minor breakthroughs that I am even improving.

Poverty also got the best of me. I’ve gone through a series of setback after setback and it’s prevented me from even acquiring the sense of relief or letting go or growth even to take on or form enthusiasm about even making myself happy and there is a despair in me beginning to grow that says this is just the way things are now. It’s like I’m just surviving for no reason. I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m also surrounded by people who are very depressed, probably more unhappy than me in some ways, so I’m not about to get any light at the end of the tunnel talk from a friend. I have no doubt that a strong sense of support would probably make worlds of difference but that’s not in the cards right now. Reaching out in my situation would probably cause other people’s misery or misguided outlook on life to rub off on me further. And for that I unfortunately have to put up my walls because I know myself and the chameleon aspects of my personality and other people’s negative coping mechanisms rub off on me.

And see, like on top of all that, COVID hit and that donked up my plans at maybe getting a new job or meeting new people. All the things I could do to reinforce positive new things into my life became impossible. I shut down after coronavirus happened and fell back on some of my old bad habits, which were reinforced by literally the whole world shutting down. I couldn’t fight it if I wanted to, I was living in isolation and frustration and insecurity and even looking around and worrying about all the people who are worse off than me and will be even worse off once their benefits go away or housing is taken makes me sick to my stomach. I’m afraid I am just gonna have to tread some kind of postmodern Great Depression and give up on living my best life.

Something got messed up with my unemployment and it’s been six months and though I claim every week, I don’t have access to any of that money yet and still have to call people constantly to try to correct it. I have over fifteen thousand dollars that I can’t gain access to. I just lost my food stamp benefits. I work eight hours a week which basically just keeps my phone on, and other than that I’ve been making it on no money. I don’t see eye to eye with my roommates, though it’s not personal and nobody really checks up on me. I wonder why sometimes that I am doing anything. What use is it to hope for things that become more and more impossible? And why tread water when I feel like I have no goal I can aim towards? As soon as I get used to the way things are, something new happens that is out of my control, and I am back to square one. I feel like I am shutting down.

Anyway, I am trying to hold out for something better, but more in a sense that I am trying to maintain something. I do have experience with feeling hopeless and empty from my early and mid twenties, which isn’t good but in a way I know that when I moved to Portland I got a beautiful awakening of a life more realized and full and in some way that was so unexpected that, not to sound super cheesy but, it was kind of a second birth for me, and if I was in the muck before and got out, perhaps I can do it again.

I guess I’m back on tumblr with a little more frequency for that very reason. I’m lonely and lost and trapped. Maybe I will do more writing on here and see where that goes. I feel like I could break things down further and get a better grasp of myself if I wrote more. So maybe I will write on here tomorrow. Meh..Who knows? I feel like if I broke my ideas down into topics I could exemplify something or find a deeper truth in the details.

Lastly, and this is semi unrelated but, I’ve been mutual with some of the people on this site for seven years and it trips me out when the notifications say so-and-so likes your post and its been seven years. I am not gonna lie, it is really cool. It kind of makes me feel like tumblr is still kind of a form of ‘home’ to me.

[sleepydew-valley]

Quarantined Shane Day: 2

Day 1

Here is a continuation of my story of Shane in quarantine. The first part can be read in the link above. Again pretty long. I don’t know what the standard is on tumblr, but I’m not good a writing short stories so here we are

Day 2:

Nico wiped the sweat of his forehead. Even though it was still early spring, it was definitely starting to get warmer and that meant it would be a bit harder working outside. Of course, he had gotten used to the farm work, but working outside had its up and downs. Like when the weather is this good, why was he working instead of enjoying the sun in the forest or on the beach?

His work was interrupted when his phone started ringing. It was almost noon and Nico wondered who would be calling him at this time. He noticed it was number he hadn’t added to his contact yet, but still opted for answering it without any hesitation.

“Hallo?”

“Nico, hi.”

Nico felt his body stiffen. “Shane?”

He should have recognized the number, or at least saved it to his contacts from yesterday. Maybe Shane would call more often now. Or maybe he was calling to ask if Nico could bring by Jas again. Shane probably missed his niece.

“Yeah, uh it’s Shane. I’m not interrupting anything, right?” Shane said, sounding less confident with each word.

“No, no, not at all.” Nico said and looked down at his hoe, his work was luckily something that could be postponed for a little while. “What’s up?”

There was a short silence before Shane spoke up.

“Well I saved your number from yesterday and uh- I’m calling today because uhm… I wanted to thank you.”

It was clear Shane felt awkward. He cleared his throat before he continued. Nico felt the need to say he didn’t have to thank him, but he worried he would ruin the conversation and Shane would hang up on him.

“Uh, I didn’t think I would get the chance to explain the situation to Jas this soon and also I know I’m going to miss her a ton and I wasn’t sure when I would see her, because Marnie decided to let her live elsewhere in the meantime, and didn’t specify if she was planning on bringing Jas over or if I was just going to- anyway, I’m rambling, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for bringing her over. I mean even Marnie hadn’t thought to bring her outside my window and you don’t owe me anything but you still did this.”

“It’s not problem.” Nico said. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest. He felt the sweat in his palms, but he knew it wasn’t because of the weather this time. “I-I can bring her by again, whenever you need me to.”

“I really appreciate you doing this.”

Nico nodded. He wasn’t sure what to say next. He had been in Pelican Town for a year now, but in that time, he hadn’t had many conversations with Shane and much fewer friendly conversations with Shane. The first few interactions were Shane wondering why Nico even bothered approaching a stranger. But Shane warmed up a bit, or at least stopped being rude when he saw Nico being friendly with Jas. For some reason Nico found it easier to socialize with the kids. They were easy to impress and if he had anything, they deemed cool, they opened up to him right away. Vincent had even said he was one of the cooler adults and Jas also complimented his playing skills. He probably shouldn’t feel proud of that, but for some reason he did.

But this was different. Shane was being nice to him. Nico had expected him to be grateful, but not to call like this. Had he secretly hoped something like this would happen? No way. Not a chance. It was only for Jas.

There was a lull in the conversation and Nico wondered if the conversation was about to end here. Maybe Shane would hang up once he found the right words for saying goodbye.

“Oh uhm, that reminds that I should thank you as well.” Nico said. He should just let the conversation die here but he didn’t want to.

“For what?” Shane asked confused.

“The repair on the heater, it went really well because of your instructions. It works perfectly now… well I mean- it does its job like it should.” Nico said.

“Oh no need to thank me for that.” Shane said dismissively. “That’s just part of my job.”

“Your job? You actually work for Marnie?”

“Well I help out when I can. Obviously not that often because of my job at JojaMart… but if Marnie is not there and I’m available, we have an agreement I don’t leave the customer hanging.” Shane said. “And it’s also me who take care of the chickens, so it’s also kind of my responsibilities to know how things like the heater work.”

“Oh, so you’re the chicken man?” Nico immediately regretted the words coming out of his mouth. They were being friendly towards each other and now Nico decided it was appropriate to call Shane the chicken man, he was surely going to hate Nico from now. He wished the earth would open and swallow him.

But Shane didn’t snap at Nico, no instead he chuckled. “That’s not official title, but yes if you need help with the chickens, I’m definitely your guy.”

Nico felt the tension leave his body. Still, he felt something tug in his heart again. Also, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the sound of Shane chuckling.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Nico said. “I’m still a bit new to the chicken care… so I’ll probably call with some questions, if that’s okay?”

“It’s not a problem.”

His heart jumped. It actually felt like his heart made a tiny leap in his chest. He had to calm down. This was just a normal conversation between two people. It was no big deal.

“So uh- besides chicken care, how are you spending your time? I mean – well how is quarantine going so far?” Normal. No big deal.

“So far I’ve been playing video games to pass time and honestly – I spend the entire time yesterday playing the games I have in my room and the thought of doing that for the next two weeks – it makes me want to throw the TV out the window.”

“I guess it’s hard being isolated by yourself.” Nico said. “you should try to find a new hobby or at least something new to do.”

He nervously playing with his nails. This was the longest interactions they ever had before.

“yeah but it’s not like I have many options in my room.”

“I guess that’s true… but if-if you need someone to talk to when you’re, you know, too bored – you’re always welcome to call me.” Nico wanted to dig a hole for himself and just disappear from the world. This was the opposite of smooth. Shane might feel like Nico was coming on too strong. But Nico wasn’t coming on or anything. He wasn’t trying to get closer to Shane. He was just offering his help. That’s all it was.

“Thanks. I might take you up on that.”

And Nico felt incredibly happy that his help was received positively by Shane, maybe a tad bit happier than one without any kind of feelings for Shane should be feeling, but this was completely normal he told himself. Normal. Not a big deal. Yet his heart still pounded loudly.

**********

Nico had talked with Shane much longer than he ever could have hoped for. It was probably because Shane was bored and there was no one at the ranch to entertain him. But even so, he still seemed interested in talking with Nico. At first, he had feared he had talked about the farm too much because of all the topics Nico could talk about, his new farm life was one he couldn’t shut up about. He talked about all the things he had renovated at the farm and improved since he moved in. He talked about how much work he was still missing and how it seemed endless. He was a bit worried he had scared Shane off with all his talk about the farm. Maybe he seemed like much less interesting person now. In fact, when Nico thought back to the conversation Shane hadn’t talked much about himself. The only thing he said was he had never been to the farm since Nico moved in (which made Nico almost invite him over after the quarantine, but he was quick to stop himself from doing something embarrassing).

Maybe Shane didn’t like talking about himself. Or maybe Nico hadn’t let him say anything about himself? Nico worried he might seem too self-absorbed to Shane now. What if this was their last call together, where it wouldn’t be Shane asking to see Jas? Or what if he didn’t even want to ask for Jas because he didn’t even want to talk to Nico?

He took a deep breath. He shouldn’t be overthinking it like this. Tomorrow would be a new day and maybe he would have chance to talk to Shane again.

He checked the time to see it was already 8 o’clock. Usually he wouldn’t finish this late but the call with Shane had slowed down his routines. He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t mind talking with Shane, but he had to learn how to multitask better.

He was headed for the shower when he heard a knock on the door. He wondered who would come this late in the day. When he opened the door, he saw Jas on the other side.

She was wearing a light jacket and had a small backpack on.

Nico looked around her to see if someone else was accompanying her, but as he feared no one else was outside besides her.

She looked up at him with a hopeful smile.

“Jas, what are you doing here?” He asked incredulously.

She smiled vanished at his question and she looked down at her feet. Her right foot scraped against the wooden board on the patio.

“Come inside, and we can talk.” Nico said and guided her with his hand on her back.

She walked inside and he closed the door behind her. He knelt down beside her and she looked him in the eyes.

“Did you come here alone?”

“Mayor Lewis didn’t want to take me see Shane, and he didn’t want to call him either. He was so mean and he said Shane was sick – and then Marnie came and I asked her to take me there but she wouldn’t either. And they don’t have a phone to call him with.” She finished her ramble with a pout. But then she looked away from Nico. “you said you would take me to see him whenever I needed to…”

“So that’s why you came here?”

She nodded as she looked down at her hands. Nico sighed and he pulled out his phone. He opted for video chatting Shane this time, as Jas would probably appreciate seeing her Uncle’s face.

“Hey, why are you calling-“

“Jas is here.” Nico interrupted Shane’s greeting. “She snuck out of Mayor Lewis house and came here. She was hoping I would take her to see you.”

Shane closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Nico angled the camera towards Jas when Shane asked if he could speak with her. He put his hand on Jas shoulder, silently hoping Shane wouldn’t scold her too much. At least not enough to make her sad because he wasn’t sure how he would comfort her and he didn’t want to see her sad either.

But Shane put on a small smile when he saw his niece. “Hey Pumpkin.” He said with a soothing tone.

Jas’ face lit up when she heard Shane. “Uncle Shane-“

“I know you miss me and it’s hard for you, but you can’t sneak out like this. Did you tell Marnie you were going there?”

There was no doubt about the answer. Marnie would never have let her go out alone in evening. Jas also knew she couldn’t lie and instead dropped her head and mumbled a no.

“I’ll take you to see Shane in the daytime, okay?” Nico said, trying to cheer her up.

But she didn’t raise her head. “I don’t like Mayor Lewis. He doesn’t want to play with me. And he made broccoli soup for dinner and I don’t like broccoli.”

Shane looked at her sympathetically. It was clear he was at lost for words on how to comfort her.

That’s when Nico thought of an idea. He wasn’t sure if it was good or if Shane would even like the idea, but this time it really was just for Jas.

“Maybe she could stay here instead?” He suggested.

Finally, Jas looked up and turned her head towards Nico. She had a wide smile on her face, clearly excited about the idea. “Really? Can I?” She then turned towards the phone again, “can I, Uncle Shane? Please, can I?” She added a prolonged please at the end.

Shane scratched his beard thoughtfully. Nico hadn’t noticed until now that it was becoming more pronounced than usual. Shane was only a few days away from having actual beard, as opposed to the scruff. Nico had to admit it looked good on him.

Shane interrupted his thoughts when he asked: “Are you sure you’re okay with this, Nico?”

“Yeah, of course. Jas can stay as long as needed and she can just ask me whenever she needs to talk to you.” Nico said. “At least I think she should stay with someone who at the very least have a phone.”

Mayor Lewis thought he didn’t need one because he could walk everywhere in Pelican Town and if everyone was in walking distance why would you need a phone? Nico had wanted to suggest that the “walk” was several kilometres long and seemed innocuous when just asking for small matters. But he had quickly learned Mayor Lewis didn’t take suggestions easily.

“I guess it seems better than having her sneak out like this. And I don’t want her to be miserable either.” Shane conceded. “It’s fine as long as Marnie is okay with it.”

Jas jumped slightly of joy. She took off her backpack, but Shane was quick to interrupt her.

“You still need to go see Marnie. I’m sure she’s worried, so you better go quickly.” Shane said. “Also, if she says no then I’m sorry Jas but there is nothing I can do.”

“Really?”

Shane looked to the side, “I mean of course I’ll try to talk to her, but you also have to listen to your Aunt, okay?”

Nico smiled. He had a feeling Jas could make Shane doing anything for her.

“Come on, Jas, let’s go see Marnie.”

He stood up and took her hand. They said their goodbyes to Shane and started the walk towards the town. These are times where Nico would have appreciated Mayor Lewis having a phone. Marnie at least had a landline, but it did no good when she wasn’t there to pick up the phone.

“Do you think she’ll be angry with me?”

Nico would do anything for Marnie not to be angry with Jas. She already looked so sad and Nico didn’t want to see her scolded. Although he knew she had done wrong, he also understood why she had done it. But it wasn’t his job to parent her and he couldn’t interfere with how Marnie chose to handle the situation. He also realized he wasn’t that different from Shane and he would probably do anything for her.

“I think she’s worried and you know what you did what wrong, but I also think she’ll understand.” Nico said and hoped he was right.

As they neared the town and made the walk towards Mayor Lewis house, Nico looked around him just to make sure they didn’t miss Marnie or Lewis on the way to the house. It could be they were outside looking for Jas. Luckily for them though, when they knocked on the door to the house, Marnie was the one to open it.

“Jas!” She exclaimed as soon as she saw the little girl. She quickly enveloped her into a hug.

Lewis stood behind Marnie and although not nearly as excited as Marnie to see Jas, he looked incredibly relieved.

“She came to my house, hoping to get a chance to talk to Shane.” Nico explained. “We talked with Shane earlier… and I guess she came to me hoping for the same thing to happen again.”

Marnie’s face softened when she heard that. She leaned out of the hug and caressed Jas’ hair.

“I’m sorry, Jas. I know you miss him.”

“It’s not fair that he has to be all alone.”

Well Marnie would be at the ranch – but that’s when Nico noticed Marnie was in her nightgown. She had intended to sleep here with Jas. Now he really felt sorry for Shane.

“We actually have an idea.” Nico said. “And I already talked to Shane about it… but I suggested maybe Jas could stay at my house, while Shane is quarantined. That way I can call Shane whenever she needs to talk with him… and we avoid incidents like this.”

Marnie looked up at Nico, and he instantly wondered if this was a horrible idea and she was about to tell him off for even suggesting it.

“Shane said as long as you’re good with it, he doesn’t mind.” Nico quickly clarified.

Marnie looked back at Mayor Lewis who only shrugged.

“Well I don’t want to come between you and Uncle Shane.” Marnie said. She didn’t sound too keen on the idea, but at least she was on board. “and I can come by and check up on your once in awhile.”

Jas beamed at the words. She ran into the bedroom, presumably to get all of her things.

“I promise to take good care of her.”

Marnie just nodded with smile before she went to the bedroom to help Jas pack her things.

[asthma-goddess]

Aight, as someone who is in recovery for depression. Like I was depressed for a long ass time and I'm getting a lot better. Heres my tips to stop hating yourself

- make a list of "must do" and "could do."

Must do is the things that make you feel like a human, getting dressed, brushing teeth, having a cup of water, eating ect. They are also the things you absolutely have to do like take your meds, feed your pets.

Could do is the goals you set for yourself for that day. They can be small, like showering or big like doing a chore or running an errand. But make sure you set reasonable goals, reward yourself when you achieve them, but don't get mad at yourself when you don't.

If you were only able to do the "must do" list or less it's alright. Tomorrow is a new day and you can always keep trying.

- adapt your food to your energy level

So maybe, you are so stressed you are having a hard time making yourself food. Maybe you don't have enough food right now, or you have food but don't have the energy to prepare it.

Assess here, does this happen to you a lot? Do you feel ambitious at the store and come home only to feel like ordering out?

So if this happens a lot, next time you go to the store hit up the freezer section. Get yourself a frozen pizza, maybe a couple of stove top meals, maybe some frozen veggies, even dino chicken nuggets. Also the canned food isle for soup and what not.

They take a lot less energy to prepare and they don't go bad nearly as fast. That way, the energy required is a lot smaller than preparing and cooking a whole meal!

If this doesn't happen a lot you can still always get a few freezer section things to take care of yourself on low energy days.

- have you talked with someone lately?

If you live alone or live in a fairly isolated environment I want you to assess your social interactions. Is it weekly? Monthly? How often do you talk to someone who you really enjoy talking to?

Can you call them? Text them? Do a video call? Try putting that on your "could do" list and see how it might improve your day. Interaction is sooo important and make sure you aren't self isolating is a great self check.

All of these require work and initiative which in short supply when you are depressed. But don't shoot for these all at once, big sweeping changes take time.

For now, just try and do a few things. It's okay if you fail or aren't good at it at first.

[potterandpromises]

Plague Times: Chapter 1

Lucy downs a shot of vodka, her ration. It’s the amount she allows herself as a sleep aid, no more and only when needed. A rule she created years ago, within weeks of Rufus’ death. Anything else must be consumed in a social setting. Or at least with other people— meaning Flynn, mostly. But he’s not here, because she left him.

One mouth, almost exactly. Perhaps current events lead the dates to be emphasized. December 6th though January 4th they lived together in his new and decrepit ex-safe house, sold to him for one dollar by the United States Government after the war’s supposed end. That decision, as Lucy understands it, was half laziness, half embarrassment. An excellent outcome, and she barely had to threaten anybody.

[Read the rest on AO3]

[purplesurveys]

996

This is originally an ask game that’s making the rounds here on Tumblr, but in this blog of course I answer everything. Quarantine Ask Game; questions by ghostly-nblm What’s your go-to snack? I haven’t really have one throughout this lockdown. I just snack on whatever’s available in our pantry - usually we have potato chips, salted egg chips, nuts, etc. And then sometimes my dad will whip up something for us himself, like wicked Oreos, churros, corndogs, and chocolate chip cookies. What’s a movie you could watch over and over? I could probably watch The Proposal everyday for the rest of my life and I doubt you’ll hear a complaint out of me. It’s just so funny, so lighthearted, and the entire cast meshes very well together. Favorite show to binge? Again when it comes to comfort shows/movies, I pick the lighthearted ones because they get me to relax and laugh a lot. That said, my favorite show to binge would be Friends. I recently started binge-watching it again and it feels good to come back to it after several months of not seeing an episode. 5 songs that make you want to dance? Shut Up And Dance - Walk the Moon Cinnamon - Hayley Williams Don’t Start Now - Dua Lipa Caught in the Middle - Paramore 7/11 - Beyoncé So, basically, Top 40 shit because it’s that genre that produces the most dance-y songs anyway. Pls don’t judge lmaaaaaao I like other artists I swear

5 songs that make you feel less lonely? I don’t know if I’ve ever turned to music to feel less lonely...I never really seek out that particular feeling. If anything, I listen to certain songs because I feel alone and I would want it to stay that way for the meantime.

Favorite meal to cook yourself? I always blank out at these cooking questions because I don’t know how to make anything, soz. When I start earning my own money I swear I’ll start experimenting with ingredients in the kitchen. You heard it here first. Seriously guys, when I finally get a stable income and you notice me spending it on unnecessary shit, feel free to nag me and tell me to start cooking!!! How do you “treat yourself”? With food. Food has always been my reward to myself after a long week, a hard exam, a bloody presentation, and basically after getting through something I had been dreading for a long time.   Favorite thing to do when doing self care? Surveys. Who have you been talking to the most? My family, I guess. “The most” is really pushing it though; I don’t talk a lot these days and it’s been difficult for me to sustain a conversation and not drain my battery in the middle of it. One thing you really miss right now? The past. I normally don’t think about it, but if there’s something from the past that I do miss, I end up pining hard for it. If you could be self-isolated with anyone who would it be? Angela. We haven’t seen one another in seven months so we could definitely do with spending seven months together lmao. We miss the shit out of each other. Do you have any pets? Yes :) Small update on my dogs: so for the last four months Kimi has hated having Cooper around and snarls every time he senses he’s nearby. But, and we have no clue what changed, now he has started humping Cooper and wants to be near him all the time...ugh. Favorite video games? At the early early phase of the lockdown I played Mario Kart 8 on the Switch all day long. Then for some reason I stopped and I haven’t played since like April. I haven’t played other video games. Favorite podcasts? Ear Biscuits. Andi has also started their own podcast and it debuted like a week ago; it looks extremely promising, but I’m super behind since I’ve deleted all my socials. I’ll catch up once I’m in the right state of mind and am feeling better enough to come back on my accounts. Favorite YouTubers? The main channels I watch are Good Mythical Morning and The Try Guys. But throughout the quarantine sooooooo many local celebrities have started their own vlog channels and majority of them are super fun to watch. My faves would be Andi Manzano’s, Manny Pacquiao’s daughter Mary’s, and Bea Alonzo’s. Wake up time? These days I try to be out of bed by 8:30 so I can sufficiently prepare and clean up for work, but early on in the lockdown I liked staying up all night and then waking up at like 9 or 10 AM. Sleep time? Anywhere from 10 PM to 1 AM. If you could go anywhere right now where would it be? I’d be in Sagada, vacationing by myself and doing some hiking, spelunking, reflecting, and soul-searching. I wish I can go back there someday; I just reallllly need to be out of the house and out of the city for a while.

What’s a change you want to keep when self isolation is over? There is nothing I wish to keep from this quarantine. It turned my entire life around and I wish I had all the things I had before it instead. Have you learned something? Yeah. Some of them the hard way. Any new skills? I took up a course on marketing last month so that was a lot of fun. Hobby-wise, I’ve been thinking of getting into cross-stitching so I can’t wait to buy my own kit and start with that. I’m also learning a lot of new and super helpful skills at work, like coming up with PR tactics/executions, knowing what will work for a client and what wouldn’t, photo editing, etc. It’s been the best internship experience ever. What’s a hobby you’d like to start learning? ^ The latter. I’d also love to learn how to bake, and maybe? start a vlog because it’d be nice to have an outlet where I can express myself and do new things while sharing my experiences with other people. What’s something you’d like to get better at? I constantly want to improve at my job because perfectionism. What food do you wish you had right now? Coffee shop pastries. :( God I haven’t had one of those in a while; I miss them loads. Your go to quarantine outfit? I don’t have one but man, when I do go out I tend to overdress because I rarely get an opportunity or have a reason to drive out these days, so I allow myself to look cute and all dressed up even if I’m just meant to pick up food at my grandma’s or something. What have you done today? I’ve been taking this survey, taken a shower, cried for a half hour, played with Cooper, cradled Kimi like a baby, checked my emails, and taken a few sips of coffee. Any plans for tomorrow? Work work work. What’s on your “to watch” list? The second volume of Unsolved Mysteries is finally out on Netflix so I’m hoping I get around to watching a few episodes soon. Any musicians/bands you’ve discovered? Most recent one was Chase Atlantic but I discovered them like back in July. Since I’m not listening to a lot of music these days, I’m not expecting to find new bands or singers to get into any time soon. Post a selfie right now!! Eh. Post pictures of your pets! I don’t feel like raking through my photos this morning. Maybe some other time. When was the last time you drank water? Last night at dinner. When was the last time you ate? Last night. When was the last time you got up and stretched? I can’t remember when I last did that. I usually stretch in bed, though.

Favorite song right now? This has been asked on every damn survey recently. I’m sure you’ll find my answer within the first page of my blog. Favorite social media to scroll through? It used to be Twitter until the lockdown hit and everyone stopped going out and having interesting updates. Before I deactivated everything, I loved spending time on Facebook. What’s the last thing you ate? A slice of pizza. What’s the weather like where you are? It’s a little cloudy and cold. I’m expecting it to rain today. Have you been playing animal crossing? No, but I know so many people who have been. How are you feeling? 50% meh, 50% just going through the motions. Who’s the last person you texted? Ate Alyanna. We’re both going through rough patches at the moment so we were cheering one another up. I needed that positivity a lot this morning and I’m glad we had that interaction. What does your last text message say with no context? ”Waaaaaaaa cute” Post a meme that made you laugh recently:

Outdoor activity you’d like to do right now? Hiking, mountain climbing, camping. Anything that’ll help me get disconnected from the world for a few days, really. Something you’re looking forward to when quarantine is over? Doing all those ^, traveling, being able to actually go to a workplace (once I have one), seeing my friends, going to bars again. Someone you’d like to see when quarantine is over? Everybody, man. I don’t give a shit as to who it is. Any new games coming out you want to play? Not really. I’m just waiting on GTA 6 even though there’s been like 0 updates on that front. New shows you’ve discovered? I revisited The Crown, but that’s it. I haven’t discovered anything new. Most comfortable piece of clothing you have? I find all of them comfortable; that’s why I wear them at home haha.

[thisnerdsadventures]

research updates!

This post has been difficult to write, so I've been putting it off for a while, not gonna lie. The reason I put it off is because I'm not quite sure how yet to reflect on my MEng experience so far. I didn't have a great experience last semester because of social isolation, neverending confusion, lack of guidance, imposter syndrome, zoom fatigue, etc., so I was really hoping IAP would be better so that I didn't just write a really depressing half-assed post about "how my MEng is going/not going" here.

Well, IAP did go better! I finally figured out a path forward and have been able to make progress on my project on my own. This has led to a generally improved sense of purpose in life, which was VERY missing last semester. I think what was missing was my usual shenanigans that I randomly find myself in with my friends, whether it's hackathons or spontaneous trips or literally forming startups. But in my own way, I've done a couple things of interest in the past few months in addition to my research, just to keep this blog fun haha, no other reason

My Actual Research

So last semester was rough because I was ramping up to a somewhat new project, a new direct supervisor, and a new degree program/way of life..... all remotely. I thought it would be fine, and yet it wasn't? I talked to some of my friends who started a full time job, and nearly all of them agreed, that ramping up to a new job in zoom land was extremely difficult. One of them said they hadn't even finished ramping up yet (T.T) I reflected a lot on why it was hard, and I determined it was because I only had one or two hours of scheduled face to face with my direct supervisor per week, and little to no other guidance outside of that. I was trying to learn as much as I could about existing research, which was not only in compilers (which, to be honest, I didn't know a lot about), but also in computer architecture (which I also did not know much about at all) and trying to understand things from discussions where I barely had a foundational knowledge to begin with. I struggled to even find the questions to ask that would help me out.

At this point, my supervisor was also really busy with his own deadlines, and I don't think he had much management experience of his own, so it was also probably hard for him. If we were in person, he'd be able to sense the confusion in my face and I'd be able to pop by his office whenever I needed, even if that was every day. But zoom calls are laggy and poor resolution and emails asking for help are often left unread. For the first two months of my MEng, it was mostly like this, just kind of feeling I was bumbling along, not really sure what I should be doing.

Wow, my imposter syndrome was off the charts. I began to panic about whether I’d be able to finish my degree on time, even though I was like literally like. two (2) months into this endeavor. At some point in November (I think literally right around the election), I felt really, really worthless, as a researcher, as a contributing member of society, and I felt really, really lonely and constantly anxious because I didn’t have like //my job// to ground me to reality. The Thursday after this, I sat on the Esplanade with my friend, our feet hanging over the water and we watched the sun go down. As we talked, I felt myself grounded again, and my overthinking brain calmed down for the time being.

When I went home, I decided I was going to find outside things to occupy me if my research was going to. I signed up to be a tech lead for my school’s Google Developer’s Student Club (yes, I really cannot leave Google), and I signed up to interview for MIT. I decided to #manage #up and make things better re:research by asserting my confusion??? if that makes sense lol

By Thanksgiving, I was home in California, and I felt like I had a way better plan moving forward for my research and was busy planning a few things here and there for my various obligations. I was also taking microeconomics for fun, which was actually.... really fun (as it turns out).

IAP

This IAP was pretty much just an extension of the semester, I mean like I guess that is just how MEng goes lol, but I actually did a good amount of /stuff/ this IAP. I would usually work on my research for the morning and some of the afternoon, and in the afternoon I would bake or go on walks with my mom and workout, and in the evenings, I would work on my other obligations, or read, or other random side projects. Such side projects include: investing in penny stocks, writing music, creating tiktoks

I have very little to report on IAP, i really haven’t done much anything noteworthy in the past couple months tbh lol. My research has been going a lot better, I have more of an idea of how I can troubleshoot/explore different avenues on my own, and I can get a lot done before asking for help. The 8am meetings are killing me though. I have one tomorrow and I will complain about it surely. Not sure if anything is going to change for the upcoming semester, though I decided to just become a straight up econ major for my last semester for no apparent reason, so that’ll be fun1!11!! (i registered for three econ classes lol) MIT told us they were vaccinating us when the time comes, so that’s good too !!! 

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

In Hospital, For Possible COVID-19 Infection.

So Here’s The Story...

So, on July 4th, I traveled with my girlfriend to Ocean Shores for a much needed vacay! With the quarantine...we both were dying to go out, and I wanted to see the fireworks and spend some quality time with my sweetie as we clearly knew the risk!

I was healthy and strong. Best I’ve been since February 2020! We did everything to kill any chance of catching COVID! We deep sanitized the hotel room, wore masks and socially distanced ourselves from other beach goers...but when I was on the sand, I took off my mask in a crowded beach with vacationers.

To be honest, I felt no ‘fear’ of catching COVID. To have CF and go this far without catching it was a miracle; considering I catch everything going around!

The smoke was very thick as like the idiot I am, I left the porch door open to blow in fresh air, but came home to a room filled with firework smog! It was bad! Both my girlfriend and I came down with scratchy throats and slept the night, in agony!

If any place possibly got me infected, was would be either the beach with the tourist or here at The Ocean Lounge where we sat for almost three hours as I nursed my first alcoholic drink and my lovely dine on endless crab.

But even then...I felt fine!

I was still getting over the smoke inhalation, but I was fairing better then my girlfriend who was still coping with a sore throat.

By July 8th, I began to feel ‘off’, sick. I was sunburnt, still recovering from the fourth and dealing with travel. At the Laser Clinic, I wanted to call out badly. I was struggling to breathe and I began coughing a dry-spell.

That night, body aches kicked in and I was noticing that I was becoming severely weaken in this state! I wanted to sleep, but couldn’t manage to sleep as I could not breathe!

I tried to go on as if nothing happened and went shopping and tried working around the house, but it felt like I was being choked out!

I thought of calling my doctor, but didn’t want to bother her with a non-emergency. This was a grave mistake!

By Friday, I felt my symptoms jump from eh-to-not good! I was coughing, gasping, choking. One moment I was in burning at 100.2 and then the next, felt icy cold! I didn’t want to move and I was tiring out!

I went to St. Joes figuring ‘Hell, if they suspect me sick...they know!’ I passed screening easily and even the infusion nurses thought I was okay...but I felt miserable! As if I was suffocating! But with their evaluation...I went home as I hate ER’s and tried to go along with my day.

By dinner, I wasn’t feeling well and as I sat at my computer, I felt like I was drowning!

I waited for it to pass...but it only got bad!

My temps were at 99.8 and I was sweating bad. I decided to travel to St. Anthony’s for immediate care. I had no plans or desires to spend the night there! I just wanted them to open my airways and make me comfortable.

Driving to the hospital, I was struggling to breath and starting to shake and wobble around. They sat me in a wheelchair and began asking familar questions:

‘Have you had in the last 24 hours...sore throat?’ Yes

‘Cough?’ Yes, and productive.

‘Chills?’ Yes, yesterday.

‘Body Aches?’ Um, no.

‘Shortness of Breath?’ Yes.

‘Loss of Smell or Taste?’ No.

‘Fever Over 100.1?’ Yes.

‘What Was It?’ 100.2 yesterday.

‘Chest Pain?’ No.

‘Have you traveled out of state in the last 24 hours?’ No.

‘Have you or anyone in your household tested positive for COVID?’ No.

‘Have you come into contact with someone who was tested positive for COVID?’ Yes. ‘Was this individual hospitalized?’ Yes. ‘When were you last in contact with this individual?’ Six days ago.

‘And when did you first notice symptoms?’ About 4 days ago. ‘Oh-oh!’ she comments, calling immediately for isolation room.

I was wheeled into room 7 as I looked at what had become of the ER that I’ve know well since 2009!

Not once have I’ve seen this ER looking like a scene from the movie ‘outbreak!’

It also does not help to be writing about a patient stuck in isolation and to end up here, in a tent!

Out of 23 rooms, 14 were made into makeshift ISO-rooms! My panic rose as I have a thing about feeling ‘incarcerated’ inside a windowless cell!

The nurse wheeled me through a sterile room made in the hallway and through a second door into the anti chamber. I was asked to disrobe as she quickly left, closing the glass door and then the tent, locking me inside a recycled air chamber as everything was draped in plastic.

When the staff came back after vitals and blood, they were all dressed in suits with respirators around their face. Isolation barrier, face guard, gloves and any article of clothing wrapped in pale yellow cloth.

When you can’t breathe, feeling that the last breath is your last! Well, I was in an emotional wreck!

Since transitioning, my responses to how I feel have more heart and emotional response then my typical calculated responses I use to give! I never even realized this part has changed too until I got home!

With my port activated in my chest, IV’s, ECG lines, pulse oximeter and other leads...I was well immobilized. They allowed me to remove my face mask, as I was grateful!

Since COVID attacks the heart with ‘broken heart syndrome’, a ECG and Telly was ordered, followed with chest x-ray, metabolic panel and COVID screening. Magnesium IV, sodium chloride IV, methaprednisone IV, and duoneb was administered with the addition of morphine to slow down my breathing (which was a shock as I’ve been told over and over that morphine is a no-no for those with compromised lungs as it slows down the breathing).

Two hours into my treatment...the IV’s, nebs and morphine seemed to do the trick as my airways opened.

The doctor asked if I felt I needed to stay, or go home...and with the news that my blood panels looked normal, my lungs clear and sats normal...I decided that a minute longer here in the disease cesspool would only increase my first of infection.

So I elected to go home and tried sleeping...but guess what came back! That shortness of breath as my fever finally broke, but my sore throat amplified.

36 hours into being awake...I look forward to a good nights sleep! But probably not tonight.

Tomorrow is Sunday...and as my lungs tend to heal, I should see improvement tomorrow. If I am not at 70% tomorrow...I’ll return for another tuneup.

[corvixa]

Not that I am in any way happy with the Coronavirus or the subsequent lockdown.

However-

It is giving people a small peak into the life of a disabled, housebound person. Where people usually say, "Oh, you don't work and get to stay home all day? Must be nice."

And two days in, that same person is struggling to deal with not being an to go out, feeling trapped, feeling helpless and a million other things and I'm hating that people are feeling this. Especially when you are doing something that is for the good of everyone.

So, I am delighted to supply some tips and tricks on how not to lose it whilst trapped at home! I don't want people suffering needlessly when you are self-isolating. I've been practising this since like 2015 and as far as I'm concerned, if I have gone through something hard, painful or awful, it is entirely worth it if I can use these experiences, any knowledge have gained along the way, to help even a single person.

I have left the house once this year because I had to go into my GP as the online messaging system was bust and I for a change, didn't have tons of hospital appointments.

I got in a taxi, saw my GP, and came home. I think that was in January.

Being housebound sucks and let me tell you now people, if this is new to you? You need to do a few things. Because it can sneak up on you. So, I thought this could be helpful to someone!

If you are healthy, try and make a schedule. It doesn't have to be super detailed. You don't have to book every minute of the day. Just a simple "Play a game at 1 pm" "Skype Dylan at 3 pm" "Do something crafty at 5 pm". The idea being when you go to bed at night, you know you have these things to wake up to. That there is a reason to get out of bed.

If you have complex health conditions that preclude this. (This is why CBT actually made me more depressed, because it included something like this but highly detailed and all I saw was my declining health.) If you are not sure if you'll be able to get out of bed tomorrow, try and find an activity for each day. Read, sew, weave, dance, game. Even if it's 10 minutes proofreading a chapter of something you've written. Just, Something. This is pretty damned integral. Also, if you are bed-bound, try and get on top of the covers during the day if you can. It can really help.

The second you let yourself slip, you can slip further into a rut and humans are not really got at doing nothing for prolonged periods of time. It can seriously fuck your brain up without you even realising it. I didn't realise how depressed I had gotten until after I started writing and felt the difference. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be "brush the dog", " bake a loaf of bread". Just something that is a set activity.

To me, an integral part of waking up, even though I am currently bed bound, is getting out of bed, making the bed, then get back on the bed with a different blanket. This may seem silly, exhausting and painful, but it clearly defines day and night as separate things. After I started doing this, my depression was easier to manage. Just that tiny thing. Don't undervalue what a small thing can do if you start. Or the trouble if you stop.

Humans tend to like making things. It gives us a sense of accomplishment. If you can do this, it will massively help you deal with the feeling trapped, lonely and such. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. Actually, it's better if you suck! Because if you spend 30 minutes each day of self-isolation doing it? You'll feel and see yourself improving. Also, there is more than just the act. Because if you pick up a new hobby, you can research it. Look online for ideas. Join a Facebook group for it and start a journey with these new people who will be super excited to share their hobby with you.

After my house exploded, we had very little. No tv, no internet, no PC etc. I had my phone and kindle, and all I did was read, which is pretty unhealthy as I get a bit obsessive with reading, but all my craft supplies were trapped. So, I saw this £15 lap loom that came with wool, needles etc. I grabbed it. I was doing a bit each day, seeing myself improving. My partners then joined me, so the three of us weaved together. Having a tangible thing you can point at and say 'I made this'. I cannot stress enough how good this is. Some crafts are really cheap to access too. Some can be free or use old clothes or equipment you already own. It improved the collective house mood so much. Night and day. Do not underestimate the sheer power of crafts when you are trapped at home.

Social media and chatting online is super handy. I honestly don't know if I would still be here today without it. I love my partners, but I am a social creature. I don't always have the energy to chat, recently my body is FUBARed, and I've barely had the energy to function at a basic level. When I can, online people, meeting new people. Joining Tumblr, and chatting to people? Makes me feel less alone and abandoned by the world because I'm a burden. I am very bleh right now, but I really wanted to write this because I know people are struggling.

Set aside a specific time a day to read things like political stuff or about this virus. This is extremely important. Because it might not feel much, you're just lying down, reading? You can burn out so fast when all you have is your house. So, take time away from it.

Self-care is the goal.

I can't think of much more right now, try and eat at a set time? Being stuck at home lends itself to constant snacking and grazing, times and days can blend when Wednesday is the same as Sunday and it can be a bit daunting.

Plus, constant grazing, boredom eating- can affect your mood by not eating proper food.

Try and get a little sun every other day, even if it is by lying in front of a window!

If you found this useful, and I don't know, want more tips on how to deal with suddenly being rendered housebound? I'll be happy to help!

If you read this and take up a crafting hobby whilst self-isolating? Or you get a little lap loom? Take pictures and tag me in it! Because I love seeing what people's beautiful brains create during this hard time.

These are hard times, even if you aren't sick, and don't have to worry about work or money and your only problem is dealing with self-isolation. Being stuck at home can be harder on people than they think, it can sneak up on you. So, this is an excellent opportunity to be kind to each other. Connect with each other.

[weabbynormalblog]

Tips and key things to help with Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Chronic illness/TBI /mental illness etc.

It's easy to feel alone in it. Depression will effect 3 out of 5 people at some point in thier lives. Depression can be deadly. We need to stop the silence about mental illness. At my worst its really hard to keep positive I am managing. Yes sometimes it sucks to the great beyond and back. I called the help lines when I really needed a professional to talk to, that helped get me through those really dark times. These services save lives. Glad to announce I am no longer suffering from depression. It took 5 years of self reflection and using all kinds of tools, most I will use for the rest of my life and that's ok. I am alive! It is a choice. I chose to listen to my body, when tired or upset you or anyone needs to slow down and rest.

With BBVP, Fibermyalgia and TBI I must move slowly, sometimes I forget and move too fast and I get hurt from loosing my balance. Patience and compassion is needed for our bodies.

There is no cure for Chronic /pain/fatigue yet. We know for sure it will not go into remission unless we can respect our literal physical limits. Energy management is so important for recovery. Get things done as they pop up. Do not procrastinate, it can be your emotional undoing during difficult times. Do things when you have the energy, there's no room for regrets either. Schedule difficult tasks or fun time when you're at your best and ask for help. Break up all physical tasks down to what your comfortable with-toggle with rest. I learnt the hard way. Trying to push past your exhaustion and doing too much can land you in hospital and for sure in your bed; for all the wrong reasons.

Over time I have found out that negating your feelings or minimizing your pain, or being too proud to ask for help just makes it worst. Stress, isolation, feeding the negatives isn't going to help your health either. Cut loose those toxic people in your life. Understand that coming from a place of despair and anger just attracts more of what we don't want. Try your best to stick with the positives. We spend a lot more time in bed than we would like. Use it to your benefit. Research, read and think how to simplify. Plan for tomorrow today. Write out what daily tasks, goals that you would like to accomplish for the next day.

I have found posting encouraging quotes, positive messages around my home helps too.

Stop worrying about getting it all done. Stuff like house work, groceries, bills, laundry, sweeping etc, will always be there and there's alternative available too. Yes keep up with it as best you can. There are times when you got to let that small stuff go too. So I paid my bills 2 days late for various reasons, nothing terrible happened and it ment way less stress for me. Join a support group, it's helping me. I couldn't get out on my birthday this year but I did get a beautiful card from the .org. and when your feeling up to it, they have lots of beneficial activities with other people like us.

Emotions and physical problems countering you, asses your lifestyle, what can I improve? What do I need to be healthy and happy. I had to look at everything. It really helps journaling your tough emotions. Writting about a day in a normal life 5 years from now was a really helpful exercise. Not once did I write about pain or my disability. I was still me, just the crappy stuff didn't matter. I was living the life I wanted despite my afflictions. I've discovered there's a way around stuff if you ponder on it long enough. Inspiration will come. Being happy and healthy in this broken body is possible. To change my perspective I had to look at everything I was doing and what I wasn't. I asked myself what can I control? My sleep, diet, exercise, balance of activities, socializing etc. I started with my diet. It was really hard to eat. I was always feeling like I was about to hurl. Banana Smoothies with berries, pea protein powder and ginger got me through. I also did as much researching my brain would allow. What foods do I need to eat to support good brain recovery, how to treat Fibermyalgia and down the rabbit hole I went.

This is what made a difference for me.

Found some great online free apps for exercise and brain injury that helped keep my moments more productive and helpfull rather than destructive. Cutting out trigger foods 1 by 1. Started eating more and more fresh produce, less processed foods and doing adaptive yoga, Isometric exercise, meditation and practicing mindfulness. I also learned that colouring, games and puzzles are important for us as humans too. Little bit here, a little bit there. I am transforming my life of crisis and adapting it into a life of ease. I'm still a work in progress, but aren't we all? No worries if you still have triggers, extreme moments or have to use memory aids and "other things" for "suport". Often we must do what is necessary to ease our suffering. Like me walking with crutches. I get further on them than I would without them. Give yourself a break. Life is fucking hard sometimes and that's the reality. Learning moments for sure. This is who you are right now, never mind what was in the past, no worries over the future your taking care of your "now" moment. It's a new beginning. A time to redefined. To be curious, helpful and have fun. Acceptance, forgiveness and patience is key when dealing with any kind of illness or tragedy.

You can’t change anyone or anything external, but you can let go, meditate, practice mindfulness, change your responses, take control of that inner critic and allow space for healing.

Success and healing is possible when we treat "all" of us, the body, mind and the spirit, I am not talking about religion here. Your passions, the activities that you enjoy. Learn to sing, start a hobby, pay attention to your wants, thoughts and goals That's the Spirit I'm talking about.

This worked for me-Find compassion and create space for yourself. You do this with slow acceptance of your truth and exposure to dealing and managing triggers. Share your experience, find acceptance for the things you can not change and let it go of negatives. Do the work! Be committed to being the best you possible. We are always learning and changing. Stay positive, be good to others and yourself daily. A good goal is to include more fun in your schedule.

Keys to healing...

1) Support yourself -make a commitment to yourself- put your health first. You must learn to recognize and respect your energy and feelings. All of them, not just the good ones. Get at the root of what you are experiencing. Learn ways can you improve your mood. Listen to your mind and body. Get at the root of your "issue" is it lack, stress, fear, overwhelmed etc. Listen yourself, make strides to deal with the issues as they come up. Accept, confront, understand, integrated or let go. What's the lesson here? How can I improve myself and the situation.

2) Dont isolate yourself. Us humans prefer to be in groups of similar feathers. Chart in fun time just as much as chore time. We all need a little space to unwind and check in with ourselves too. Join a support group or make your own.

3) Tools-Remember to be the observer, to take a step back in times of triggers. Acknowledge and accept. Use breathing technics and meditation. Above all be objective, realistic and simplify in order to meet daily goals.

Chart daily, weekly and monthly schedule. Follow it. Remember to toggle activities,rest, work and hobbies. Use a Schedule, calendar, breathing exercises, practice mindfulness, yoga, resting, eating healthy, exercising your body and mind with healthy pursuits. Be part of your solution.

[viktormaru]

okay here’s my full character analysis??? Headcanons???? canon retelling with my shit slapped on??? on

VIKTOR LEAGUE OF LEGENDS

(under read more cause its gonna get long)

Viktor is said to be born in the borders of the Entresol level of Zaum (aka the middle), but I’m guessing that means the lower border because of how often he’d have to move or stay away from home due to accidents.

I assume Viktor had good parents. They were artisans and seemed to encourage his creative pursuits with robotics and so on. (I also believe he is trans and that his parents supported him in that as well haha).

So yes, we have this child who likes building things. And he lives in this place that is not healthy or safe for the people that live there. His parents probably go to the upper levels to work and Viktor gets a glimpse of a better place there. He sees where he’s at and at first, he is motivated by both kindness and frustration. He is a child with a passion and all these leaks and accidents are getting in the way! So he starts studying to see what he can do. Time passes though and he realizes the extent of those things, the casualities of those humam errors. So he takes his work more seriously and soon he is producing results. But of course no one takes a teen seriously, no matter how good he is.

Until someone does and it works. His inventions are good! So he keeps doing it! He’s awkward and socially anxious but he really LOVES building things so he does it and sells his work to the factories until he gets the attention of the Zaun academy of techmaturgy (this is canon btw). 

He goes into the academy and he’s.... awkward... Like, Zaun is full of weird people sure but Viktor is pretty bad at talking about anything but robotics and stuff and comes off as blunt often, so he’s kinda isolated by his peers. He doesn’t mind, he’s there to study. But professor stanwick approaches him with interest in his work and Viktor is happy he is recognized by a professional. He’s a little naive back then and trusts his teacher a lot. Which is why he is convinced to move to Piltover, despite a bit of his reluctance to leave his home. His parents wave him goodbye and he leaves.

He moves to Piltover and gets a better lab, more tools, more money and more people to help. His work just improves in time and he’s put to work with a lot of people. He once again fails incredibly of socializing properly and falls into isolation yet again (hello darkness my old friend). People end up working with him either because he’s really the best option or because they can stand him for the time he is needed {:- (

Well, that is, until he works with Jayce. Jayce is infurating and doesn’t do things the way Viktor likes doing and has this weird outlook on how things are done that sometimes just works despite it all. He’s a puzzle that doesn’t make sense and the two end up doing a lot of things together. And having a lot of discussions. A LOT of them. They are both kinda lonely. But its like.. they don’t dislike eachother?? Because they kind skipped some steps in how socializing usually goes so it just kinda worked. 

They could’ve kept going, getting comfortable in eachother’s spaces until they could just go out to chill together or something but neither of them was brave enough to try it (or smart enough to realize that could be good). 

But then at this time that awful chem spill happened in Zaun in the entresol level and Viktor rushes home to help.

I’d say this is where Viktor’s character starts like, solidifying I guess? Because I think for the first time, as a grown mature person, Viktor is seeing death and suffering with his own eyes. Death and suffering that could’ve been avoided. He’s watching all these people die and suffer and he can only do so much to repair the damage. If only it could’ve been avoided, could’ve been stopped. He knows it’s possible. Why didn’t anyone do it? 

He doesn’t find his parents either.

So he spends the next several months throwing all his energy and sanity into doing whatever he can to help these people. He builds blitzcrank and they fix evertyhign they can. It’s a fucking CHEM spill, can you imagine just how AWFUL it all was?? people were dying for several weeks after the accident , even after the damage to the structures were already fixed. These people were slowly suffering around him and he was trying and they kept dying around him. These are workers, families. It’s a pretty bad situation.

He learnes how to infuse mechanical parts with flesh in an astonishing way just to try to replace the rotten, sick parts of the people around him. Get rid of the parts that were kiling them.

And then! He finally goes back to Piltover, after it all, and the first thing he gets is the news that Stanwick stole credits on his invention of Blitzcrank.

Like.. the emotional toll of it all? He’s tired! He’s burdened with the ammount of death he saw and people wanna be shitty and play games like that for glory and fame! It’s stupid and he doesn’t understand it! He tries to fight for his right and loses because no one really bothered to support him through it (Jayce didn’t think he’d really have to and would you look at that).

He’s angry and upset and grieving and possibly traumatized. He keeps wondering why would people do that to eachother and comes up empty. So he’s here, obsessing with replacing every part of human error to garantee that people WILL live. Of course, he’s more isolated then ever and people don’t bother to sit down and listen, they just think he’s weird and obsessed and stuff like that.

So when he needs to do the colaboration on the dive suits with Jayce and they have their fight about free will, people side with Jayce quickly. They think Viktor is mad and they had seen it coming miles away. 

He gets fucking expelled from the Piltover academia and sent back to Zaun.

To his ruined home, alone, with nothing but his name and his thoughts.

Clearly that leads him into a deep depression. After all, he lost everything but he doesn’t understand why ! because sure these people in piltover like acting high and mighty and theorizing and politicizing but they didn’t have to watch children crying because they were coughing so much blood was coming out because their lungs were corroded and they wouldnt last another week. They thought viktor was mad. 

And viktor had a lot of time to wallow over it, and think about his failures and suffer on his own and he’s actual conclusion is that negative emotions ( envy, pride, sadness) clouded people’s judgemetns. They’d let others suffer for their own gain out of fear of losing. 

He thought that himself feeling sadness was just another obstacle to do what he had to: save people.

So he basically starts operating on himself until he can barely feel emotions anymore, removing his own happiness with it (but its not like he felt it anyway so what difference did it make). And then he starts plunging into work like never before, dedicated to this new cause that is the glorious evolution. He starts again from the bottom and once again he rises, because Viktor is a genious, and he is honest in his work, in his intentions. He wants to help.

 People were scared of the Mad Man Viktor, but Viktor would do anything he could to save you if you came to him. He understood limits though, he never imposed over people. Do no harm, as they say ( what would be the point of doing that?? )

And then the other toxic even happens in Sump, another really bad one, and Viktor rushes in to help. He’s keeping these people alive in his lab but he knows he doesnt have the power to keep them so. So he goes to Jayce after an energy source.

He thinks Jayce will listen to him now, now Viktor isn’t emotive and easily hurt, now he isn’t insecure, he has a cause, he has something he fights for. A brighter tomorrow.

And Jayce calls him mad. 

Viktor is kind of dissapointed, he’d think Jayce, who has always been so uncaring of people’s opinion’s would at least try to understand. He doesn’t. So he takes the crystal by force from Jayce (petty arguments can be saved for later, those people on his lab needed him NOW).

When Jayce follows him there with a hammer he understands the stakes. 

One life against hundreds is an easy math. Viktor chooses to sacrifice Jayce (Jayce chose to come here after all)

But then Jayce actually destroys his lab.

And like... imagine waking up to your laboratory destroyed, just dozens of corpses of innocent people laying around. yet another failure, yet another big price to pay.

He has to start from zero again. His reputation is completely stepped on ( he is truly crazy now by everyone’s eyes) and Jayce is a hero. Blitzcrank sticks around for a little while, moved by the same passion to help people, but blitzcrank can stand the deaths and the gruesomeness of viktor’s work, he leaves to try to help in other ways. Viktor lets him of course, blitz has free will and he isn’t anyone to stop him. 

Some people, desperate people, still come to him for help. He does his best to give them what they need. A strange cult forms and idolizes him, he hates it, he is no god, he is just another man. People thinking of him as an etheral being just proves his theory on how fear and wayward emotions lead to dumb, dangerous mistakes.

In the end, Viktor is trying to cheat suffering, cheat death at all costs.

I don’t believe he sent any golems or anything after Jayce, vengence is way too beneath him. Stealing? Maybe not, depends. I think Jayce became a bit paranoid after “defeating” viktor. Because Viktor said some big words and Jayce is suddenly realizing that truly, he has no purpose. He’s just a useless tool. He makes things sure, but what for? He’s raised as a hero but damn he doesn’t feel like it.

And to end it all, this is why I think Ekko and Viktor should sit down and chat at some point. They are so similar and so different all at once. They both love Zaun and its people, they both wanna protect them and have a passion for inventing. But while Viktor wants to reject his human side to achieve his goals, Ekko embraces it. Like, I don’t think Viktor shouldn’t even be his mentor, more like his colleague. Ekko is his own person and has a different way of doing things, but they could do a lot together as well. 

Also Ekko and Blitz are totally friends in canon so like.. yeah.. Zaun for life....

Anyway this is it thank tou all for reading this is UUUH like 1,8k words long 

extras or stuff I already said and will say again:

viktor is trans

he was an anxious yet hopeful (and maybe a bit naive) teenager

he still loves sweet things and thats canon.. he likes chilling sometimes

workaholic as seen

blames himself for literally everything like a dumbass

is kinda of very afraid of death in general

is not the kind of person that steals children to experiment on them cmon guys thats propaganda

is embarrassed of the cult following him

i guess he doesnt have his whole left arm anymore, chop chop it went

USED braces as  kid

loves blitzcrank like a son, doesnt realize it

I think thats all, sorry yall

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi, i was wondering if you had any advice. i moved out of my terrible situation (yay!) & now my days are lighter & so much easier. i have actually seen an improvement in my behaviour & attitude & even self esteem. but i realised i have been avoiding anything trauma-related out of fear of all those ugly emotions. my nightmares have gotten more frequent & i’ve started having flashbacks (which are not what i thought & definitely not fun). i want to see a therapist but can’t at the moment. (1)

i’m aware i’m still an overflowing fountain of unhealthy coping mechanisms and unresolved trauma but once i start thinking abt those things it’s hard to put it ‘back in the box’ and carry on. i know work has to be put into recovery & that it’s hard & awkward & messy, but i can’t do it alone & i know it’ll just fester if i shove it away and ignore it. i’m quite literally between a rock and a hard place. literally any words at all (even just acknowledgement lmao) will be appreciated, ty 💓😌 (2)

–

Hi, nonnie! First of all, I’m so proud of you for getting out of that situation and for all the improvement you’ve made, and you should be hella proud too 😊

Yeah, recovery is… hard, to say the very least. I’ve been on it for one and a half years now, and there are certain things that I still battle with everyday, things that I must have brought up to my therapist a thousand times, and things I haven’t brought up yet at all because I’m so scared I’ll have to face them if I do. But I can tell you a few things that I’ve learnt!

- Go step by step, one step at a time. When I first brought up a thousand different PTSD symptoms and unhealthy coping mechanisms to my therapist, the first thing she told me is, we can’t possibly fix this all at once, so let’s start with the most pressing issue – you can’t keep skipping meals. Which was a thing I did. So we started there; literally just with me telling myself I can’t keep skipping meals anymore every time I wanted to. This doesn’t mean I haven’t skipped a meal in one and a half years because of my PTSD, but it does mean that the days I do skip meals are now catalogued as bad days. Recovery has bad days, and during those, sometimes I still skip a meal, but now all of these days are separate from every other single day. I’m not a person who skips meals anymore. I’m a person who sometimes has bad days and struggles a bit more to eat. 

- And that applies to every other one of your symptoms. They’re not going to magically disappear one by one, but they can stop being a part of you and become just a part of the bad days you have sometimes, separate from the rest of your life. 

- How to achieve this?

- I don’t understand/remember every single step I’ve taken in my recovery process, but one thing I can tell you is that it’s okay not to think about it. It’s okay not to want to go back to all those ugly emotions. Right now, if I started making a mental list of instances where my mother abused me, I would have an anxiety attack. So I don’t. I’ve talked about this with my therapist, a while ago when I asked her what she thought of exposure therapy methods, and she told me that we already torture ourselves enough with our memories for her to put us back in that situation. It’s okay not to want to go back to those feelings. It’s okay to keep on living your life, create a routine for yourself, make friends and lead a lifestyle that doesn’t include your past trauma. You’re not avoiding anything by moving on! And if you’re worried that you’re burying things that you should probably face, I’m here to say that, in my experience, this is something that you’ll need a therapist’s help with. So there’s no shame in not knowing how to start to face these tings by yourself! As you said, you can’t do it alone!

- Which brings me to my next point: you need people in your life. When you go through trauma it’s normal to isolate yourself, to lose people along the way and lose opportunities to meet new people and to avoid social interation with the people you do know because of anxiety, fear, feeling different, not having experience… During recovery, it’s important that you slowly expose yourself to these tiny life events. Just, the next time a classmate or co-worker or a friend asks you to go for a coffee, or to watch a movie sometime, and you feel like you’d say yes if it wasn’t for fear/lack of experience/anxiety… say yes. (Don’t say yes out of obligation, though, or to do things that you don’t enjoy with people you dislike! This is about you being more and more comfortable having a normal life, not about you pushing yourself to do things/be around people that make you uncomfortable). So even if you don’t face all these giant things that are turning and turning in your mind… do face the tiny things that you feel are like small walls separating you from the rest of the world. Start with the walls that feel easiest to climb. (THIS is the kind of exposure therapy my therapist advocates for! Slowly daring to face things in life that our first insticts tell us we should avoid).

- Reward yourself when you do well, and be kind to yourself when you don’t do so well. Try to train all the voices that say bad things about you to instead say things like “today I did that chore that I’d been postponing! Yay me! I deserve some chocolate.” “Today I couldn’t do this chore! It’s not because I’m lazy; there is a reason behind my struggle. It means I’m not feeling my best right now. I’m going to rest/distract myself/do an easier chore/shower/do whatever I need to do to take care of myself right now (yes, that includes eating that chocolate too) and I’ll try again tomorrow.”

- Try not to spend too much time alone with your thoughts. Read, go out with friends, watch shows you like… fill your day and your mind with things that don’t leave you with hours ahead for you to dwell on your thoughts. Basically this takes me back to that previous point; create a routine, find things and people you like, try new things from time to time. My therapist said spending too much time alone with my thoughts only serves to trigger myself when I could be using that time to do something fun or something I need to do instead!

- It usually takes me from one to two days to completely recover from a flashback. Luckily they don’t happen so often now, because one can’t keep taking days off when they’re continuous. That being said… when you have a flashback, be kind with yourself. Drink water. Take the day slowly. Write “rest” on your to-do list so that literally one of the things for you to do that day is to just rest. Just lie in bed with your phone for a few hours. Ta-da! A to-do thing completed. Sleep plenty. Also, you know when you’re crying and people ask you if you want to talk, or if you want to go somewhere else, and instinctively you know if the answer is ‘yes’ or ‘no’? This happens to me at least; when I’m in pain, it’s like instinct takes over and I don’t need to wonder what I need–my body just tells me. Similarly, when I have a flashback, both during and after it happens it’s like my body is just asking me for things I need. Cover your face, don’t let anyone touch you, stop every noise around you are some of the common ones. And afterwards, it’s usually more like be home alone, lay in bed in the dark, don’t go out, drink water. My advice is to listen to your body. Yes, even if our trauma tells us to stay home it’s important that we jump the small walls; but having a flashback leaves you very vulnerable, and things that are usually tolerable and even enjoyable can turn into a living nightmare; from sounds and lights to having to sit through three hours of lectures to having to talk to people. So when you have a flashback, for a day, avoiding these things if you feel like it’s the best option is okay. 

That’s all I can think of right now! I hope some of this helps you at least a little bit and I hope that you are having a good day today 💗 And please, remember that your comfort and safety always come before my advice; if something I said doesn’t feel right, don’t feel like you have to do it. I’m just one person with one experience, after all! (Also if anyone reading this has their own advice, you’re more than welcome to add it to the post 😊) 

Sending you a big big hug and lots of encouragement!