#dealing with isolation

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show.

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[inkskinned]

you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

[padawansuggest]

Every day I wake up thankful that the fandom as whole looked at the ‘Masters and Apprentices don’t even live together in apartments at the temple’ canon and collectively went ‘oh that’s smelly’ and ignored it. I have seen a lot of shitty fics out there, and normally I can ignore things, click exit and move on with my life, but you know what I cannot ignore and don’t think I’ve ever actually found a fic where it happens???? Padawans living on their own. Those are babies. Let them sit in the kitchen and learn how to cook bad food with master and get back rubs when they have the stomach flu. Fuck off with that ‘they all live alone’ bullshit It’s Not Real.

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

A true and 100% historically accurate account of Hamilton's first meeting with Andre

+ Bonus Lafayette

[mlobsters]

supernatural s11e20 don't call me shurley (w. robbie thompson) be still my beating heart part 3 of ∞

[mxwhore]

So I was wondering. Was Jon able to be there for his kids' births in human form? Were they worried about him managing that?

it was a whole deal back then but jons tiny, little, self destructive bum didnt allow martin to worry about that. he just didnt think about the rammifications of thst decision

[son1c]

Saw the asks about Shadow feeling the world’s love for Sonic while in Sonic’s body and now I’m thinking about how Sonic would feel. Being cut off from that. Suddenly he’s no longer with nature, suddenly the world goes quiet. Like if you spent your entire life tuning out background noise and suddenly it’s gone and you’re left with just yourself. It must feel so wrong.

not only that but because shadow killed all the other black arms, there's this Extra Void that sonic has no idea how to place. like, the black arms are a hivemind species, but shadow's the last one. there are no others for him to connect with in that way. and there's just something wrong about that

[autumnwoodsdreamer]

Sabine: Looks like we can’t isolate, ignore, ibuprofen our way out of this one, boys.

Din: Ignite it is then.

[hella1975]

it's been pointed out on here before that a lot of terf arguments are actually rooted in sexist idealology that feminists fought and died to unnormalise decades ago and that's its own kettle of fish but one thing i also find very frustrating about this so called 'radical' feminism is that it's so... defeatist? like the moment you categorically label an entire section of society as Bad and Inherently Evil then there's also the implication that nothing can be done about it, and it completely takes all accountability away. saying all men are evil is just another way of saying boys will be boys. he raped her because he's a man. he hit her because he's a man. he didn't listen because he's a man - it's almost offensively oversimplified. there's no point trying to fix this issue in society because men are just Like That, okay! so now what? it's not like they're going anywhere, so you just accept that 50% of the population are evil and will forever treat you terribly and there's nothing to be done about it bc they're biologically predisposed to it? like is that fr the argument here? you're soooo radical for that

[xxplastic-cubexx]

i think when cherik fuck charles just has to control himself so much that he reaches the point where he gets almost no pleasure because of the efforts and erik just doesn't see that for a long time bc charles is very good at simulating whatever it is so they fuck and erik is happy and cherles is close to tears every time because yeah he had sex but he spent all time of it struggling to remain control of his abilities and he didn't have orgasm and he just doesn't know what to do because he's afraid to tell erik and he's afraid to stop doing that because he thinks he'd project his thoughts and feeling all over the mansion and he's afraid to go on the way he does because it's exhausting and kinda awful

sorry im in the mood for angsty thoughts about charles's telepathy sorry

you jsut gon say this in fronta my salad. ..,

[carlyraejepsans]

i don't think I've ever enjoyed a birthday party with friends as much as today i am genuinely getting a bit teary eyed

[maximumqueer]

I have so many Thoughts TM about episodes 41/42 of Witchlight, but what I really want to hyperfocus in on is a smaller Gideon moment that just shattered my heart into a million pieces.

And that is in episode 42, after they are found by Bavlorna, and the rest of the krew leaves the closet/storage room that they were fighting the shadow in, and Gideon stays behind. And he is cradling Twigs now marionette body in his arms, sitting on the floor, flames licking up his back as he is desperately trying to regain/maintain any sense of composure.

That scene in particular fucked me up in the best way possible. Because seeing a character that is quick to anger, who has a short fuse, who does not normally restrain themselves because for good chunk of their life they were imprisoned and enslaved and they never want to feel that way again. To see THAT character do their best to hold themselves back is beautiful and heart breaking. It shows the level of care that Gideon has for the rest of the party, as well as the respect he has for Twig, even in death. Because while it is never stated outright, I do believe it is implied that Gideon doesn't go through with attacking and attempting to kill Bavlorna becasue he knows that Twig would not what him or the others to die for her. All she wanted to do was to help and protect her new family, and Gideon potentially getting himself and the others killed in a fit of rage is the last thing she would have wanted

instead we get Gideon quietly seething with rage, barely holding it together, but ultimately stopping himself from outright violence against Bavlorna. He still isn't completely playing nice, that moment with him turning the teacup widdershins being a good example. (and GOD did that moment give me chills. Just. The quiet, deliberate, threatening nature of it was wonderfully played out). He refuses any food or drink from Bavlorna (despite Mace knowing above table that the food offered would give an instant long rest if eaten) and only makes that deal with her to bring Twig back because he so clearly feels guilty over her death, viewing himself as being responsible (as least in part) for her wellbeing on her first adventure. And if he can make it right, if he can make it up to her by bringing her back, even if it means making a deal with a hag that he would much rather seen burned alive, then he'll do it. Because Twig is worth him setting aside what we wants, is worth setting tamping down his immediate gut reaction to violence.

[bill-ciphers-nightmare-blog]

"Hello Cipher. Your friend 'Kryptos' has sent me to 'free you'. Before I do so, I want to make sure you have at least made progress."

Sent by @theaxolotl-god

HUH, WHADDAYA KNOW, HE ACTUALLY MANAGED IT.

REALLY! OH, I’M VERY READY TO LEAVE.

[swagging-back-to]

worst trope is found family separating as soon as the antagonist is dealt with.

[cak31ssuperi04]

fun fact: Them

[hythlodaes]

junelezen day twenty four - lost