#good god i am Anxious
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Fuuuuck i put off printing important documents for my appointment tomorrow morning until the last minute and now my printer ran out of ink and Everywhere is closed i am so royally fucked!!
#i worry that if i ask the guy to print it while im there he will be pissed at my lack of preparation and deny my visa renewall#i might be able to skate by with the 2 documents that i was able to get before the printer pooped out on me#but thats banking on them having the aplication form at the office for me to fill out#and also he didnt say which proof of registration form to bring so i might need all 3#good god i am Anxious
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sooooooo when i jokingly said to myself "haha did ruan mei play aeonic necromancy on tingyun's remains or something" i wasn't expecting that to literally be the case what the fuck
#ON ONE HAND! TINGYUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ON THE OTHER! HELLO???????????????????????????????????#that was a really good update . a little clunky in those transitions sometimes but ooooh boy that came together GOOD#jiaoqiu nearly sent me into hysterics i was so upset . and flabbergasted. mostly flabbergasted#also the part where hoolay let him go for a little bit and you had the option to try asking for help#with severe consequences to be reaped afterwards. that was so nervewracking#i ended up doing it once out of curiosity and immediately regretted it and was horribly anxious the rest of the time i was running around#and yeah those consequences sure do. Consequence#props to the writers and stuff for that one that was great i felt ill#FEIXIAO... GOD FEIXIAOOOOO OHHHH BOY I LOVE HERRR what a great character#i hoped and i prayed and i dreamed for a deep dive into her condition and not a vague gloss-over as hyv loves to do AND I GOT IT#moze didn't do enough tricks (aka just . being a part of the story and interacting with other characters) for me to care about him still#it's like#the yaoqing trio: yay yahoo yippee WOOOO YAYYYY#moze by himself: closes my eyes forever#DO MORE TRICKS FOR ME#lingsha's pretty cool. i will save her from her bad design#oh oh oh YANQING!!!!!!!!!! USING WHAT JINGLIU TAUGHT HIM AND IMMOBILIZING HOOLAY ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!!! OH YM GOD#MY LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#that cutscene was terrifying i almost died of stress . i'm so proud of you yanqing. never do that again#i had fun and now it's 3 am and i have work in the morning. help me
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I go off about Catholic/christian religious influencers of all kinds and I do so for many reasons but one of the main ones is just. the feeling they’re selling (and it is a feeling and they’re selling it, even if just for views) it doesn’t feel like that for everyone. That whole simplistic set-up of struggle struggle struggle, breakthrough, clarity, emotional peace, tears streaming down the face. That’s not real. Or at least it’s not real much of the time in MANY cases and even when it is real that isn’t the only part or the most important part of having a relationship with God. It’s probably the least important part, the feeling. and so it fills me with RAGE when the emotional part of religion is sold and packaged and paraded and presented on Instagram as “inspiration”! it distorts the whole reality of a relationship with God and puts a literal and figurative Instagram filter over the whole thing.
#I mean. pray in silence where your Father who is in Heaven can see you. like??????#I’m sure I’m getting the direct reference wrong but.#anyways it just bugs me so much because I’m a highly emotional and intense person and religious experiences just aren’t like that for me#and faith isn’t like that for me. and it just isn’t this soft-hearted feel-good thing all the time!!!!!!!! most of the time it isn’t#and it makes me feel sooooooo bad and awful when some Instagram influencer with woman femininity or grace in her handle#shows up in my feed ready to talk about the waters that the Lord has led her through#like I can’t even begin to articulate my own journey with God#nor do I feel compelled to do so. but seeing other people do it makes me feel so instantly awful and alienated#and …. grubby#it makes me feel grubby because I am not seeing the world through soft pastels and lens flares#and because I don’t experience God’s love for me as a feeling#never have probably never WILL#and it’s just upsetting and maddening and I think it’s so bad for the culture#also I’ve started reading a little bit of st. Francis de sales every night#much against my will at first because pretty much all spiritual reading makes me bristle and makes me anxious#but honestly it’s been so good and he finds that kind of insta-influencing DEAD#because it isn’t fake and it isn’t performative and it is practical#and generally it’s realistic and hopeful and simple#anyway just ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have so many feelings about this
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@togrieve4 put the idea in my head and now i can't stop thinking of theo being there when rakiel meets king harnant. of theo seeing how this man, proud and dignified the way a monarch has to be, cracks the moment his son's illness comes into play. how he broke down a door to see his child and how he has been counting the days since he last saw him. how it breaks his heart to have his kid hide away in his room but cannot bear to be cruel enough to force him out of it.
theo who went to beg his father to not humiliate his brother in front of thousands of people, to not be so cruel as to make his defeat a public affair to be gossiped about only to be immediately dismissed. theo who basically gave up on life and spent a year hidden away in his palace with an eating disorder that would've probably killed him if rakiel hadn't intervened. theo who must've known his father kept tabs on him,,, and that he never bothered to do anything about it.
i'm just. i'm thinking thoughts.
#i talk a lot <3#cpsm#theodore magentano#i promise to stop talking about theo... at some point. no idea when. but it will happen.#i'm just. i reread ch 146 and. god. this poor kid.#rakiel basically tells him 'hey if you keep doing this you will get sick. you can die if you keep on this way'#and theo just goes 'it's okay. i know it's not good for me but it makes me feel better. and no one will be hurt if i stay like this'#LIKE. HELLO????#i am terrified they'll play it off for laughs in the adaptation because i feel like even in the novel it isn't given the weight it should#but this kid has given up on life! he doesn't care! he has an eating disorder and he thinks it's okay bc no one but him gets hurt by it!!#not to compare but if he had developed the more common type of bulimia i am sure no one would think any of this is remotely funny#i am. extremely anxious about how they will handle this.
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the current state of the arg
sorry guys the art isnt arting D:
(btw if youre confused on why i drew turnip like that i was referencing the picrew he did ages ago bc idk it looked fun to draw anddd i dont like taking reference off real life images)
#i felt like just a lillll bit of a creep relistening to voice messages over and over to find a good quote but. yk what. it was worth it#i totally didnt take reference from the really cool face i used in that animation because im still really proud of it#idk if emi or TD have a sona but if they do im not aware of it and i didnt feel like asking so i just drew both of them as blank characters#im too stressed to scheme lol#maybe#just maybe#i need to stop drinking tea because the caffiene makes me anxious#...#naaaaahhhh#i dont really know what to do with myself atm because i dont want to work on the animation unless turnon is ok out of pure spite#this morning i was absolutely radiating stress#i have a friend who shows up so we can walk together to school and she could tell smth was off lol#i literally could not hide it at all even if i wanted too#i kept pulling my hat over my face thats the main way you can tell that im stressed#not that it really matters that you know that bc none of you are ever gonna witness that but. fun fact abt me ig#ugh#if turnon dies i am gonna cry so hard <333#and i wont finish the animation <333333333#(at this point just trying anything to get turnon back)#im gonna make a word doc#i make word docs when im stressed /hj#quick question turnip : is there a way to get turnon out of the situation he is in or is he just gonna die and theres nothing we can do#about it /gen#because i have a sneaky suspicion that we cant actually do anything about this#i swear to god#LETS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!#A DEFRAG MIGHT COME OUT TMR!!#its been 21 days and a defrag takes on average 20-25 days#ough#turnip and addon im gonna find where you live and i will burn your respective houses down
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Now for the hardest part of the day …….. trying to relax
#weed helps#I did a good job today. I did everything I wanted and needed and more#I have no reason to feel anxious. I have no reason to feel guilty#I have done nothing wrong. I am not doing anything wrong by relaxing#my only job right now is to relax and go to bed in a few hours#……..oh god this is always so HARD.
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See I think if I'd been born a guy I wouldn't be this pathologically avoidant trying to plan my career because there are plenty of situations you can find as a cis man where you just Do Tasks in awkward silence and you can get to those as a woman but you have to go through the rings of hell socializing first and then besides, a lot of those jobs already have so many men that you stand out when the whole point was you Don't want to do that
#you gotta be god's strongest soldier to survive this shit and i am not! i am god's weakest most pathetic soldier!#i survived five years of customer service crying weekly and getting harassed and being a baby about it#when i got promoted no one would listen to me and it made me constantly anxious and then so tired it took me a year to be able to#think about having a job as something remotely positive and stop crying about it#idk how other women are doing this shit a guy treats me like his sexy servant and i feel BAD and upset for years#and think of what he said 7 years later and they only touched me on the shoulder and made comments other people go through worse!#but i am not strong or determined i just want to go through my life in peace and stop talking to people altogether#it wasn't just guys who treated me badly older women made fun of me and called me lazy and stupid#tutoring was fine but i felt like i was putting on that same performance and at that point it all felt so awful i just. didn't want to#i can see no way out of talking to people for the rest of my life and it gets me down sometimes#i know i get to come home but even then i will probably need people to live with#i basically only like my family and close friends talking to me sometimes even that is hard#sometimes it's way easier to type and feels less awful#i think i have to just keep on keeping on until i can finally get good enough to freelance edit and code that's the only thing i can think#of doing that doesn't make me cry#emails are fine they suck but i don't have to control my face and tone so.
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I have another gig in a week and I'm so nervous 😭 I get paid hundreds of dollars for only five hours of work, but it is so nerve-racking and the work environment is so stressful, like literally every time I'm there I'm on the verge of tears or I have to take a 2 minute break before the show starts just to run to the restrooms and cry bc I get so stressed out. And then when I clock out I just cry my eyes out in my car while driving home. But hey!!! Hundreds of dollars!!! For five or six hours of my time!!! Only a few days a month!!! Hundreds!!! Of dollars!!! So it would be totally stupid to quit.
I wouldn't have been able to afford pampering myself on my last two F/O anniversaries (and currently placing an order for a rose bouquet for Six's anniversary for the 18th) if I didn't have this second job... but if it didn't pay me such a large amount of money each time, I probably would have quit by now bc it makes me so damn anxious. The show isn't even for one week and I'm sitting here stressing about it! I have one thousand other things to stress about and this job shouldn't be one of 'em 😤
I just keep trying to think about Ken hugging me while saying "Aw, sweet girl, don't be nervous! You JUST started this job, you've only worked three shows -- you think you're gonna be perfect your first try?? You're gonna be so good once you get the hang of it. Just look at me! I've been doing Beach for 62 years now, and I still don't know what my job is supposed to be... but I know I look So Cool™ 😎"
#my god i love ken SO MUCH i am so grateful to have an F/O who brings me comfort when im anxious#and grateful i am not as numb as i was three weeks ago#i am still struggling to self ship like i used to - and i think i always will bc of [gestures to 2023] - BUT#the fact that i thought of ken and felt some relief is a rly good sign bc three weeks ago i felt *nothing*#i am depressed and miserable as fuck today but he still gave me a crumb of comfort. THATS SOMETHING ✨#woof#plus I'm gonna be able to meet a TF voice actor in September bc of this job#I'm gonna give him my charms... and... say I liked his character...#and maybe it'll make me feel better around that character. or maybe it won't. but it's worth a try!!!#and how cool is it that I get to work in a place where so many big celebs do their shows?? and MEET them???#one day I wanna meet John Legend if he comes back again and tell him I LOVED him in La La Land 🥺#This job is impossible to get hired for unless if you have connections bc it's so... idk the word. fancy?#that's not the word but it's a Big Job and I am SO STRESSED MY GOD#but I'd be wasting opportunities if I didn't keep trying at least for a few more months#and if I gotta cry my eyes out in the parking lot after my shifts that's fine as long as I work the full five to six hours#I'm celebrating *THREE* F/O anniversaries in September which is ALSO MY BIRTHDAY#so I'm gonna need the extra cheddar to absolutely spoil myself. Officer K and Driver are two big main F/Os#and I still haven't celebrated my Barbie/Ken anniversary as much as I wanted#so!! I!! will!!! tough it out even though this job makes me cry. give me that money#I am stressed every day of my life bc I have a Complex Stress Disorder you might as well pay me hundreds to be stressed
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#it is#WAY TOO EARLY IN THE DAY#to be this anxious#maybe im having a heart attack wnfhejf it fuckign feels like it#its like oops! just woke up!#time for the feeling no one will ever choose you first over anyone else and youll always be second best in life!#what the fuck brain can i have#one good day please#without wanting to cry or feeling like im gonna be stuck forever where i am now#THIS TOO SHALL FUCKING PASS SO HELP ME GOD#BUT IT COULD PASS A LITTLE FASTER YOU KNOW?#caspost#tbd#the cosmic sadness you cannot shake which shapes itself around the belief you are inherently unwanted even though you know logically#it isnt true
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;; ☁️
#I don’t know where to talk about this so here I am ahhhhhhh anyway I’m worried that he doesn’t#want to talk to me anymore/ which is hopefully me being overreactive#and I don’t think I came off clingy at all I really hope I didn’t and I haven’t been texting him a tremendous amount also because#I’ve been waiting for him to text me back sometimes?#and idk maybe he was busy yesterday and doing things but hhhhhhh god#I hate being nervewracked by this stuff especially after feeling SO happy and grateful#and just like overwhelmed with emotions#the last text was a question I sent last night and nothing now and yet I’m a total loser#he deleted/hid his bumble profile so that’s a good thing right? because he’s not interested in anyone else#but I’m paranoid about a crash after that high about not being able to have good things#and I just need the reassurance that it’s okay and he does like me#because he’s flying away soon I think next weekend and he was the one who said we should hang out again#before he leaves#anyway this is what the inside of my head looks like right now. sad and nervous and anxious and needy and unsure#personal
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i used to not relate at all to the existential dread that's sorta ubiquitous for a lot people my age, which is mostly bc i've been dying for three-ish years, so i had fully made my peace with my life being over soon. like i was in a mindset a lot of people enter in hospice care where my body was winding down and i was just getting as comfortable as possible and being content with the life i'd already lived.
however.
now. that it looks like i could not only have, but also Enjoy... another 50 or 60 years on this earth.....
......HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY.
#GOOD GOD A LOT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITHIN THE NEXT 60 YEARS.#I KNOW NOT TO BORROW GRIEF FROM THE FUTURE BUT LIKE#I DIDNT EXPECT TO DEAL WITH ANY OF IT AT ALL. I WAS NOT GONNA *BE HERE*#literally every night for the past week i've lain awake with my heartbeat in my throat just thinking#I Am Going To Be Here . For So Much Shit#Oh God. Oh God . So Much#and i CAN'T SLEEP#this post brought to you by an hour and a half of me trying to sleep and now being exhausted and still So Anxious#like. CHILL. GIRL. IT'S FINE#YOU CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! PROBLEM FOR FUTURE YOU!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! OH ! MY ! GOD !!!!#autoimmune tag
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2 days till my final exam rant in tags sorry i gotta let it spill somewhere 😭
#IM DYINGGGG#there are so many things to memorise#and theyre gonna pick 2 questions from a list of 60?????#and my whole degree relies on this?????#im sorry who the hell thought of this system#id MUCH rather write a 2h long exam than have to orally answer questions for 10mins fr#and if i get a topic i dont fully understand that’s it. it’s over for me#bc u have to answer both to pass#they should at least let us pick 2 out of 3 or something 😭#i also hate my procrastinating ass#i shoulda been doing 15qs a day and ive been doing between 1 and 5#and now i have 50 questions (so probably around 70A4 pages) to memorise by THURSDAY AT 9AM#i swear to god why do i always do this#also turns out that for the thesis presentation it’s forbidden to use notes 😀#I AM NOT GOOD AT SPEAKING I AM NOT GOOD AT THIBKING MY MEMORY SUCKS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PASS THIS#im so fucking anxious#but funniest thing is IM STILL ACTIVELY PROCRASTINATING#LIKE??? ISNT THE PRESSURE ENOUGH YET??????#i fucking KNOW for a FACT even if i started studying RIGHT NOW i probably wont make it with all the questions by the exam date#and i skipped ALL THE HARDEST ONES FOR NOW#i swear to god guys im gonna go fucking crazy with this#i know it’s nearly over but it’s KILLING MEEEEE#please why cant i skip time to when it’s over#help me manifest not getting a finance/law question pls guys#hela yaps
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inspired by @colap1nto <3 and posting here to hold myself accountable: writevember! attempting to write something every day no matter how much and what it is
i am however inventing stipulations for myself so i cannot weasel my way out of it, which includes a valid definition of “write”:
actively put words into a document in the form of a proper fic!!! too many wip not enough hands!!
poems (actually laughed at me coming up with this but maybe i will go back to my roots)
research/meta/primers
tag stories are permissible IF i actually compile and edit them into a readable document that day
editing to post to ao3 (the optimism) is also valid. it takes me so long
i do have concrete arbitrary deadlines for one and a half fics that i would LOVE to finish and post in november (dewey^2 and [redacted :)]) so i’m hoping this helps!! also, this is secretly just a sticker chart where i get to put down emojis for each fic i worked on and check off boxes but a win is a win
day 1: 🪻🐈⬛
day 2: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)
day 3: 🫃2️⃣
day 4: 🍎
day 5: 🫃2️⃣
day 6: 📑, 💌
day 7: 🫃2️⃣ AND ☁️💧. who is she
day 8: 🪻🐈⬛
day 9: 🫃2️⃣
day 10:🫃2️⃣
day 11: 🫃2️⃣ we are on a STREAK and also a countdown 🫡
#liv in the replies#guys are you proud of me. i put everything I would normally yap into the tags in the actual post. hashtag growth#i say continuing to yap into the tags. I don’t want to be pessimistic but I AM scared this is occurring during my monthly bout of#productivity and I will face the doldrums and absolute inability to write in 2-4 days lol#also everyone says this next systems course is GARBAGE and terrible and super hard which. okay 💗 yay 💗#I should’ve put “reply to ao3 comments’ as a valid form of writing because the comment box terrifies me but it’s FINE#if you have ever commented on my fic I love you with every unspeakable fiber of my being and there is one comment I feel so guilty about#but it’s because every time I think about it I need to go jump around in circles I can’t fangirl too hard I also cannot find the WORDS#like even typing this out i’m like. anxious butterfly but it’s because I have so much love in my heart#also i am codifying the emojis to fics for Me sorry because I think it’s fun and i’m being secretive for literally no reason.#everyone tell me to get off of here and work on an actual fic. after I have my nik-induced/enabled 2353 breakdown#we hit day five and yes I DID forcibly make myself not work on a completely different fic. i wannnntttt to finishhhhh 🫃^2 2️⃣ so badddd#& this is not a game of ‘work on a different wip every day’ even if i could feasibly do that🫡 good news is i rlly think 3 -> 1 1/2 is done?#update 11/10 (technically 11/11 but it’s fine this is how it normally works) if i write like an unhinged person which is to say at all#bc i have midterms but also really like an unhinged person i MIGHT be able to adhere to my self-imposed deadline for 🫃2️⃣. god bless me#at 1:30AM yesterday having an absolute breakthrough with a line that has been in some variation in so many different fics including mine
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i never feel unsafe when i go on walks with tucker because i know at the end of the day he will protect me (even though he’s a big softie) but today yall i was real worried!
#i walked with tucker to a sonic near my house that i’ve walked with him a million times#got him an ice cream like i’ve done a million times! and have never felt more on edge on a walk with him ever in the four years i’ve had him#like the vibes were a hundred percent not there#i typically let tucker eat his ice cream there let him drink some water ect to cool down a little bit#at first i could kinda see the guy watching out of the corner of my eye and i thought oh this location doesn’t have pup cups maybe he’s#never seen a dog eat ice cream but then when i went to go throw something away i noticed this man fully PRESSED to the glass watching us so#i was a little antsy and moved to a table a little closer to the outer sidewalk then i hear a door close and realize he is outside :)#and here’s the thing about tucker tucker is VERY aware when i am anxious and this is a dog will not let anything come inbetween him and his#ice cream but tucker kept stopping and looking over at the guy then back at me taking long pauses from his ice cream at one point moving#over to stand in front of me with his ears perked#when tucker got mostly done i was like ‘oh good boy are you full? let’s get you home’ and as i stand up to leave the guy comes closer and#starts asking me questions about tucker and thank GOD another customer came up looked at us and immediately started asking the guy questions#because i was genuinely contemplating running out of there#but home and fine now and obviously it was at a sonic by an intersection nothing was gonna happen but i was mad worried and i am forever#grateful tucker is a very intuitive animal because if homeboy did his usual ‘only thing that exists in this world is ice cream’ schtick it#could’ve been different (he was mad at me about the ice cream afterwards btw but we had already crossed the street)#eris: text#tucker: text
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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what they don't tell you about cat ownership is that at at least one point you will be a litter box creep who becomes obsessed with the amount and frequency with which your cat excretes waste because cats a) love to eat things they shouldn't and b) apparently have a direct feelings-to-bladder connection so if your cat gets stressed they can suddenly get a uti and so now you have to monitor your cat because if he stops being able to pee he will die. and what stressed him out? as far as I can tell: a week long visit by my sister WHO MY CAT HAS KNOWN FROM BIRTH
#good news is yesterday around 3 the vet said he was definitely not blocked and had a solid stream#and around midnight last night I know he managed to pass water#but now it is 11 am and i don't think hes gone since midnight and i find myself anxious#tho he doesnt act uncomfortable. he hasnt tried to go and couldn't. so he's probably fine.#BUT ITS SUCH A TENSE SITUATION. WHY DID GOD MAKE THE FELINE URETHRA SO FLAWED.#ive tried to feel his belly but i dont know where the bladder is#and also he is fat.#so idk if what im feeling is the bladder or just fat#but he didnt act like he was in pain from me squishing his belly a little so he must not be in a lot of pain#tho the vet did say his bladder was tender yesterday#which is what told me i did not know where thr cats bladder is bc i tried to feel for it
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