#theodore magentano

[lloydfrontera]

when theo and sylvia have their first child rakiel spends the entire pregnancy suggesting silly names, getting more and more ridiculous as time goes on and as he tries to take their minds off any complications that could come up from a child being born from two different species that aren't always biologically compatible. he's pretty sure he loses any naming rights he ever had for the rest of his life some time around the sixth or seventh month but it's worth it when he gets a soft snort from his brother or an amused eye roll from sylvia.

he is not prepared when theo carefully puts into his arms a tiny bundle of blankets wrapped around an even tinier baby and tells him his name is Adrian.

he will spent the next couple decades holding a grudge over the fact no one warned him beforehand and he therefore spent his first ever meeting with his nephew ugly crying the entire time. there went his chance of being the cool uncle >:c

[ying-doodles]

trying to figure out how to draw them... (—ε—)

[lloydfrontera]

building off of this i'm now thinking about rakiel coming back and everyone implicitly understanding that damian will go back to being his knight instead of theo's and all of them being completely caught off guard by how painfully strange it is at first.

because at this point theo and damian have been at each other's sides for almost a whole decade. they've spent longer together than they ever got to spent with rakiel. they know each other more than they got to know rakiel. and it kinda fucking sucks because most of their relationship is build upon what they were to rakiel and not really to each other. but you don't spent a decade at someone's side almost 24/7 without, y'know, making a bit of a bond. as much as it pains them both, at some point they stopped being completely rakiel's and started being a little each other's.

so sometimes when someone is being stupid theo will turn to the side to share a put-upon look with damian only to feel strangely bereft when he only finds a somewhat familiar member of the guard his father saddled him with. sometimes when he's frustrated and wants to blow some steam off he will ask for a spar partner and feel vaguely disappointed when he actually manages to defeat them. sometimes when he's very busy he will let himself get lost in his work and then feel oddly forlorn when he resurfaces many, many hours later all by himself because none of his staff felt entitled to make him take a break or rest.

and there's not a single part of him that would trade having his brother back for anything in the entire world. but it does feel a little bit like he lost a friend he hadn't realized he had in the process.

and damian never really forgets that he's once again rakiel's knight, he never could, he's always far too aware of his presence for that to happen, but sometimes he does forget he's not theo's too anymore. he is at all times attuned to rakiel's heartbeat, knows it better than he knows his own, but sometimes he finds himself anxiously listening for a second heartbeat that isn't there. he follows rakiel's day-to-day life with a familiarity that shouldn't be there after a decade's absence, but there's days when he finds himself preparing for a schedule that is not his to follow anymore. during public events he never loses sight of rakiel and stays with him at every moment, but more than once there's a split second of panic when he finds himself looking for a person he's no longer supposed to keep track of.

and there was never really any other choice, there was never really any real thought of staying somewhere that wasn't at rakiel's side. but only now does he realize how much of a place for himself he'd also carved at theo's side and how much he can ache to be somewhere he has no desire to go back to.

as for rakiel. well. it feels like he blinked and the world moved on without him. which it kinda did. and now he has to look at the two people he was the closest to and realize that he no longer knows them like he used to. that they're trying to fit themselves back into roles they've long outgrown and all he can do is try to keep up with changes he wasn't there to see happen.

and it would be kind of funny to see his brother and best friend act as if they barely know each other and pretend they didn't spend the better part of a decade together, if every interaction they did have didn't make it oh so very clear just how much of their lives rakiel missed. it's. a bit of a downer is he's honest.

they are soooo messed up about it. and trying so hard to pretend they aren't <3

[lloydfrontera]

the first time theo wins a spar against his tutor both asterion and rakiel are present for it. it is not asterion theo is most excited to see there.

[lloydfrontera]

i don't know what would've been worse. if the summons vanished along with rakiel so there was no real sign of him still being alive somewhere out there. or if they were also left behind, waiting for him to come back from a place they couldn't follow him to. either way the possibilities are devastating <3

[lloydfrontera]

the little prince never cries. rakiel doesn't find that nearly as reassuring as it should be.

aka rakiel makes a child cry but it's actually a good thing i promise

[lloydfrontera]

bk moon really messed up by forgetting theo existed for entire arcs because if he'd been part of the main cast we could've had the hilarious dynamic of a one sided rivalry where theo is convinced damian is trying to steal his spot as rakiel's little brother and is really pouty and defensive about it. and meanwhile damian is staring at rakiel like 'i desire him carnally'

this would've gone on for several arcs until theo finally manages to hear one of damian's sincere and heartfelt pledges of loyalty and devotion to rakiel and realizes that "oh. i severely misunderstood that relationship. oh no" so now he has to awkwardly be several degrees nicer to damian because that's gonna be his brother-in-law isn't he

but instead theo stops existing as soon as he's no longer useful to rakiel so. this is why we can't have nice things.

[lloydfrontera]

in a better timeline where theo is actually a character and not just a plot device he and rakiel develop this weird and confusing dynamic where rakiel is still very clearly theo's older brother except for those moments where his inner ahjussi comes out and he parents theo more than his father ever did and he slowly starts taking asterion's place as theo's father figure.

neither of them really notice because 1) lee han was an only child and he's not really that aware of what is or isn't normal sibling behavior and he doesn't really care either he just sees theo craving approval and being lowkey passively suicidal and goes "is anyone gonna take care of that" and then doesn't wait for an answer before doing it himself and 2) because theo has been neglected his entire life and doesn't recognize what rakiel is doing as 'parenting' because, well, asterion never did that with him so his first experience with that kind of care and treatment is from rakiel so he automatically files it as 'hyung behavior'. so none of them actually realize when their dynamic blurs the line between siblings and parent-child.

but asterion does. just... way too late. when he's already lost his chance with not one, but both of his children. when one son is forever out of his reach and the other has filled what should've been his place with someone else. only then does he realize what his neglect and putting his title as emperor above that of father has cost him. when there's nothing he can do about it.

he wanted his sons to grow up without needing him. and they did. they don't need him anymore. and he didn't realize how terrible of a thing that was until it was far too late to fix it.

[lloydfrontera]

another reason we should've had a deeper relationship between rakiel and theo is that they'd already set up rakiel being upset that whenever he goes a while without seeing theo the kid has gone and grown in a different way each time.

so now imagine the payoff we could've had if after nine years rakiel had come back and theo is now a fully fledged adult. he's in his thirties now. his kid grew up and once more rakiel wasn't there to see it happen.

imagine them reuniting and rakiel halfheartedly scolding theo even as he pulls him into a hug because didn't he tell him to stop growing so much when he wasn't around. now who's gonna believe him when he presents theo as his little brother.

and theo laughs in a way that almost sounds like a sob, still bending down to fit into his hyung's hug, because only hyung could make nagging sound so much like affection and not like a reprimand. only hyung could make him feel so small and not like he's not enough because of it. but he apologizes and promises not to do it again if hyung promises to not leave again for so long either.

he promises to try to grow slowly if hyung promises to be there to watch it.

and rakiel,,, rakiel who can tell something in him has changed. that he's no longer only human. that eternity is settling in his being. and that he will have to watch his little brother grow older and older until he doesn't anymore,, rakiel promises.

[lloydfrontera]

i keep thinking of asterion almost killing himself trying to bring back rakiel for years because he believes this is the only way he can atone for what he did to his child, this is the only way he can finally do his duty as a father and the only thing he can do for the son that he lost. for both of them.

and theo doesn't. really know how he's supposed to feel about it. if he should be glad their father is trying so hard to bring his brother back. if he should be bitter because it's too little too late. if he should try to stop him or not. if he's supposed to want to keep his father alive or to have his brother back more. if he should hold onto what little broken parts of his family there's left or latch onto the almost non-existent hope of having the part he cares the most about once more.

but there is a small part of him that wonders if there's something wrong with him. if there's something he's missing. if there's something about him that just makes him not worth staying for.

and he still doesn't really trust his father, he still hasn't quite forgiven him for everything he made them go through, he doesn't really quite know if he really wants or can be a family with the man when it was his brother that made them even resemble one in the first place but. he doesn't want to be alone either. he doesn't want to be left behind again.

it doesn't really matter though. his father has never listened to him when it comes to his petty little feelings about family. why would he start now.

[lloydfrontera]

theo's mom dying when he was born, him growing up with a sickly older brother who he's always known will die young and that he's supposed to replace, him being raised to become emperor after his father's death and making that such a cornerstone of his sense of self-worth that he has a breakdown when that future is taken from him,,,, maybe him falling in love and marrying sylvia, an elf that will outlive him for hundreds of years, is less of a tragic coincidence and more of a self-preservation move lmao

he met one (1) person who he had a near-zero chance of outliving and decided that she's the one he wanted to spend his life with. it's almost funny in a kinda tragic way.

[lloydfrontera]

[lloydfrontera]

on one hand, a kid au for cpsm is a logistical nightmare. but on the other,,, tiny rakiel being followed around by even tinier theo. that's it that's my defense 〒▽〒.

[lloydfrontera]

you see the vision. you get it.

[lloydfrontera]

btw when i call asterion a bad parent it's not like. a complaint. i love that he's like that. i love that he's such a terrible father i love that he completely sucks when it comes to parenting i love that even when he's trying to do better he still fucks up.

i love that the first time we see him he's basically telling rakiel to give up his birthright and die quietly without making a fuss so it won't cause issues to the royal family in the long run. i love that when theo is almost begging him to change his mind so his brother won't be humiliated in front of hundreds of people he basically tells him to stop caring for something stupid like family and feelings. i love that when rakiel does an amazing feat and almost dies doing it the only thing he does is reprimand him and tell him how much of an idiot he was. i love that when theo has a breakdown after he failed at achieving the one thing he was raised for asterion did absolutely nothing and completely left him on his own. i love that even when he's proud and wants to do something for rakiel he completely ignores what rakiel actually wants and makes him prove himself again just for the right of his wishes not being ignored.

i love that he acknowledges how terrible of him it is to care for his child only now that he's doing incredible things and proving himself and tries to be a better father... while still completely ignoring the other child he has.

he just. he sucks so fucking bad. he's not even trying to be malicious he genuinely thinks he's doing the right thing and that it's for the well being of his sons but he's so awful at being a father it just makes things worse.

it's very funny. and also so fucking good. for me <3 not his kids tho they're having a terrible time someone help them pls

[lloydfrontera]

asterion hiring damian to be theo's bodyguard after rakiel's 'death' because despite everything he is the continent's best swordman and he already lost one (two) of his children so help him god he's going to do everything in his power to keep the one he has left as safe as humanly possible.

neither damian nor theo are particularly happy with the arrangement but neither of them can bring himself to say no to it.

because sometimes damian will look at theo and find rakiel staring back at him until reality asserts itself again and he's left picking up the pieces of his heart all over again. and at times he doesn't know what hurts more. when theo looks and acts just as rakiel or when he doesn't. maybe it doesn't matter. both hurt anyway.

but. but it's theo. it's rakiel's little brother. the one rakiel teased and nagged and fussed about and loved more than anyone else and how can damian say no to protecting him. so what if it breaks his heart to look at him and get only glimpses of his prince? what's his pain against keeping the one rakiel cared the most for safe?

and theo... doesn't blame damian. not really. he knows it wasn't his fault. he knows out of everyone damian got the worst part of it all. he knows that if anyone misses rakiel as much as he does it's definitely him. he knows that rakiel would kick his ass if he blamed damian for his death. and he knows that damian blames himself more than theo could ever blame him anyway.

but. but he trusted damian. he thought he would keep hyung safe. he believed him when he said that he would only live if rakiel did too. and a small selfish, unkind and vicious part of him can't help but resent damian for living when his brother didn't. and he hates himself for feeling like that when he knows damian would give anything for it to be the other way around. when he knows it was hyung's decision to give his life for damian against his wishes (he hates that he also resents hyung a little for leaving him behind too. he hates that a part of him wishes hyung had never taught him what it felt to have a real family so he wouldn't know what it feels to lose it)

and yet. it's damian. damian who rakiel teased and nagged and fussed about and loved more than anyone else. damian who rakiel gave his life for. so how can theo hate him. how can he hate someone his brother decided he was worth dying for. so what if looking at him makes theo face the ugliest parts of himself. if he can keep him close, keep the person hyung cared the most for safe and sound, isn't it worth facing the reason hyung left him for every day?