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ineffable-suffering · 10 months

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Re: "You go too fast for me, Crowley", because I think I finally figured out the real meaning behind that line

Naturally, this line of all lines, the most line of them all, is constantly circling around my rotten brain like a moth around a flame.

In addition, though, there's always been another Good Omen's line/exchange that has kept bothering me again lately. And literally until just about five minutes ago, I had never thought of relating them back to each other.

Now, five minutes later, I have and I think I just ... figured it out.

In case you were wondering: The second line that wouldn't leave my head is what Aziraphale says to Crowley during their clandestine meeting at St. James' Park in 1862 when Crowley asks him for Holy Water:

A: "I'm not bringing you a suicide pill, Crowley!"

And here's what bugs me about this: Why did Aziraphale, without a breath of hesitation, immediately assume Crowley wanted the Holy Water to commit suicide if things ever went wrong?

That's ... such a dark assumption to make. Especially because that is absolutely not what Crowley wanted it for, as he literally says himself:

C: "That's not what I want it for, just insurance."

And what does Aziraphale reply?

A: "I'm not an idiot, Crowley!"

Because he firmly, firmly believes that Crowley is asking him to bring him the Holy Water as a foolproof method of taking his own life in case Heaven and Hell ever find out about them.

To this day, that conversation gives me chills whenever I think about it. We so rarely get see what genuine emotions and thoughts for and about Crowley Aziraphale keeps neatly tucked away behind that tightly buttoned waistcoat of his. This moment in 1862 is one of the very rare ones where his façade slips a little – and the peak we get isn't a fun one. It's a very dark, scared and vulnerable one.

What am I on about and how does this all relate to the infamous "You go too fast for me, Crowley"-line? Let's look at it under the cut.

(Word count: 2560 | Reading time: ~10 min. | TW: mentions of suicide)

Like I mentioned up above, it always struck me to my core that Aziraphale very clearly immediately assumes Crowley wants the Holy Water for possible suicide. Not only is that a very dark and upsetting thought, it also poses the question: Why? Why is that the first place Aziraphale's mind goes to?

Crowley says at the very beginning of their conversation:

C: "We have a lot in common, you and me."

He's definitely referring to their (very mutual) relationship Arrangement and the fact that they both find themselves kept apart and watched by their respective head offices, not allowing them to ever misstep and give themselves away.

After bickering around a little like they do, Crowley asks his favour – and he makes it very clear in a quiet and serious voice that:

C: "This is something else. [...] For if it all goes wrong."

He's not just talking about Heaven or Hell finding out about some silly frivolous miracles, no. He's talking about them finding out about their Arrangement, their relationship. The worst of all worst case scenarios.

So bad, in fact, that he doesn't even ask his favour out loud but instead decided to write it down.

Aziraphale's reaction is ... severe.

We immediately see his face drop as, he too, realizes that this is all of a sudden a very serious conversation indeed. And he immediately and vigorously denies Crowley's request because he thinks it to be one for a suicide pill.

To understand how he could arrive at that lightning-quick (and also wrong) conclusion, we have to try and understand how Aziraphale sees Crowley and the threat that the angel himself as well as their relationship poses to Crowley.

Crowley can, at times, be a very self-deprecating and cynical character. He's without a doubt carrying a lot of trauma and unspoken fears and emotions with him at all times. Aziraphale at this point in their relationship probably has a good notion of what those are – but he doesn't know the whole depth of it because they've never been able to speak freely enough and Crowley has seemingly decided to keep many-a things to himself, still. They both tread the waters of plausible deniability very well.

So, to jump to the conclusion of Crowley entertaining suicidal thoughts in the face of unavoidable danger is ... quite a violent jump. And remember: "[...] underneath it all, Crowley was an optimist. If there was one rock-hard certainty that had sustained him through the bad times then it was utter surety that the universe would look after him."

So, what is it that Aziraphale does know that would drive him to such a drastic conclusion when, in reality, secret optimist Crowley only ever wanted the Holy Water to protect himself against Hell to come out safe on the other end of things?

2500 BC, Land of Uz: A: "That [going along with Heaven/Hell as far as you can] sounds, um ..." C: "Lonely? Yeah." A: "But you said it wasn‘t." C: "I‘m a demon. I lied."

After Crowley helps Aziraphale out in Edinburgh in 1827, Crowley is immediately sucked back down to Hell We don't know what exactly happened after that or just how long Crowley was gone. We also don't know if Crowley ever told Aziraphale what happened, once he returned. What we and Aziraphale do know, is that Crowley ends up asking him for Holy Water, out of the blue, only a couple of decades later.

1601, The Globe: A: "But if Hell finds out [about the Arrangement], they won't just be angry. They'll destroy you." (additionally, later in time, C: "My lot does not send rude notes.")

Ergo: It's very clear that Aziraphale seems to have put two and two together with his own angel math by what he has a) witnessed himself and b) what Crowley has said himself which equals: In going against Hell, Crowley has felt incredibly lonely before he had Aziraphale by his side and if Heaven and Hell were to ever find out about them, Hell's punishment would be a whole lot worse than Heaven's.

He thinks Hell would destroy Crowley.

So when Crowley, who so rarely says how he really feels and one of the few times he did, told Aziraphale he was lonely, says he wants the Holy Water, the immediate conclusion Aziraphale comes to is: He wants it as an emergency exit. In case things go pear-shaped. He wants it to escape whatever dreadful punishment Hell would have in stock for such a lonely traitor. He wants it as a suicide pill.

For Aziraphale to not even entertain the thought or believe that Crowley does indeed only want the Holy Water as a means of self-defense is, again, absolutely heartbreaking. Because it tells us a thing or two just how scared and desperate Aziraphale thinks Crowley to be. Something along the lines of: "If I myself am already so immensely terrified of Hell's punishment for Crowley, how terrified must Crowley be."

I think a whole lot of this is also very, very strong projection and shows us how Aziraphale himself feels about all of it. How scared he is for himself and Crowley. Of what would be done to them.

A: „Out of the question! Do you know what trouble I'd be in if they knew I‘d been ... fraternizing?“

He knows they would both suffer immense consequences and that Crowley‘s still would be worse. If anything, in a dark and twisted way, it shows that Aziraphale himself has definitely entertained the idea of suicide as a concept, at least. Maybe not for himself or Crowley, yet, but remember, he‘s awfully fond of Shakespeare‘s Hamlet.

A: „To be or not to be? Buck up, Hamlet!“

Yeah, buck up indeed. (By the way, there's a great meta by @greenthena on why Aziraphale likes Hamlet so much that kind of plays into my point a little. You can read it here).

And again, who knows what Aziraphale might have actually witnessed of Hell's cruel ways already in the past (Edinburgh of 1827, or at other times) that made him arrive at the conclusion that, ultimately, suicide would be the less painful choice for Crowley when faced with Hell's consequence for their relationship.

I told you this was gonna take a bit of a darker turn. So, here we are. At the turn. It doesn't get much lighter from here on out, I'm afraid.

Because all of this gives "You go too fast for me, Crowley" a whole new devastating meaning.

Personally, I always found it a teensy bit difficult to relate that line back to Aziraphale implying that Crowley was trying to push their relationship a little too fast for him.

Deducing that as the meaning of "You goo to fast for me" after we were shown in the montage of S1E3 that Aziraphale, from circa 1941 on, was undoubtedly fully aware of just how madly in love he was with Crowley, has always felt odd to me. And it continued to feel even odder after we got the whole story of 1941 in S2.

Because if that minisode showed us anything, it's that if you let Aziraphale take over the metaphorical wheel for about five minutes, "too fast" doesn't even match the astronomical speed with which he crashes head first into 15th base. Forget the hand holding and kissing, let's go straight to you shooting me on the first date I planned for us!

And they say romance is dead.

Now look, of course, Aziraphale is still keeping most of his romantic feelings and longing bottled up out of fear that Heaven and Hell could find out about them and have Crowley destroyed. We've established that this very big fear of his is the driving factor behind him never trying to overstep that invisible line.

But still, those feelings? They're there. Oh, Hell, they are t-h-e-r-e.

Our angel is a master of self-delusion but not even he is holy enough to deny the fact that, if he could, he'd want nothing more than to lock that demon down and elope together into their happily-ever-after.

So, when Aziraphale finally budges and hands over the Holy Water to Crowley in 1967, I've always had a hard time believing that that line coming from Mr. "I guess there's something to be said for shades of grey" himself actually meant: "I'm not ready yet, you want to go faster than I do."

Because really, apart from trying to convince Aziraphale of the Arrangement and rescuing him from every silly, coincidental predicament the angel has gotten himself into over the millennia, what exactly is it that Crowley did here to "go too fast"? Hell, he's been at it at the pace of a snail ever since, very well knowing that Aziraphale would take a lot of gentle nudging and lunch temptations invitations to agree with the Arrangement.

All Crowley does in that moment in the car is offer Aziraphale a lift, anywhere he wants to go. And yes, that is code their little dance, that is how he shows his love for Aziraphale. But Aziraphale has never before deemed that an issue or seen it as a too-fast progression of their relationship. He even suggests another date himself two seconds later, saying:

A: "Perhaps we could go for a picknick one day. Dine at the Ritz."

So, what, one sentence later he suddenly wants to hit the breaks again? After he literally looked like this the last time Crowley drove (literally way too fast) through burning London?

Nah, I'm not buying it.

Instead, here's what I think Aziraphale really means with this line that changed us all (and I'm sorry, but I'm about to one-up the sadness of the 1862 meeting):

I think Aziraphale is referring to what he thinks is the reason Crowley wants the Holy Water for.

Suicide.

And boy-fucking-howdy, does that change the game.

Because if we assume that Aziraphale, all throughout the one-century-long Holy Water standoff, thought Crowley wanted it as a quick, ahem, Escape From Everything, what I think Aziraphale really means with "You go too fast for me" is this:

To him, Crowley is asking the most cruel deed of him to bring him the one thing that could take Crowley away from Aziraphale for good. For ever. In case things go pear shaped. In case Hell finds out about them and comes after Crowley.

To Aziraphale, Crowley is asking him to load the bullet into his gun for the time it won't be a trick. So he can escape before Hell gets to him.

More devestatingly, I think Aziraphale even understands where that notion comes from. Aziraphale knows how dangerous their relationship is. And Hell does not send rude notes. So, I think after pondering on it for a good millennia, part of him has come to understand why Crowley would want an emergency exit.

Which is absolutely fucking heartbreaking.

Especially because that's not even what Crowley was thinking when he made his request. He truly only wanted it as a defense. But Aziraphale doesn't believe or fully realize that. Aziraphale believes the Holy Water is a suicide pill and to some extent even understands why Crowley might want that.

And yet, despite (wrongly, but well) understanding Crowley's intentions, Aziraphale is still deeply upset and terrified at the thought of Crowley taking his own life should they ever get caught. Which explains his extreme reaction all the way back at their clandestine meeting at St. James' Park.

Aziraphale assuming Crowley's way out of the most pear-shaped situation of them all would be suicide also means that Aziraphale would be the one who'd be ... well, left behind.

He recognises that choosing death over possible eternal punishment is maybe somewhat of an understandable choice. And yet, it's a choice that, to him, Crowley has made without him. Seemingly way before their first talk about it.

Aziraphale thinks Crowley seems to have made up his mind about his escape plan without him in it.

He thinks that if they were caught, Crowley would want some Holy Water around to quickly chug before he would be at Hell's mercy and that would be it.

Crowley would, for the first time ever, really leave. Not just for Alpha Centauri. But actually leave. Escape and run away to a point of no return. For good. Without Aziraphale. To a place where Aziraphale couldn't follow him, no matter how fast he tried to run himself.

It goes a little something like:

"If they found out about us, you would choose to go where I couldn't follow. And you're asking me to pave the road for you to walk there. Without me ever being able to get a say in walking alongside you. You want to go to places where I could never join you. You'd run away without me and I understand why but you didn't even give me a chance to catch up. You go too fast for me, Crowley."

F*ck, man. I think I need to lie down.

Y'know what else that gives new meaning to?

Alright, that's it, I'm out. Enough sad meta-ing for the day. See you all around once I've stopped slipping further into the void, folks. :')

#good omens #good omens meta #my own meta #good omens season 2 #good omens 2 #gos2 #go2 #good omens s2 #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #you goo too fast for me crowley #aziraphale is master of projection #i made myself sad with this #The Arrangement #holy water #im gonna go read fluff now bye

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trueebeauty · 4 months

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𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐆𝐎 - LOOKISM

-gun park, goo park, james lee, samuel seo, gi-tae kim, vin-jin,+ eugene.

TW!! : TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ABUSE, & ANGST

𝐆𝐔𝐍 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 ➥ You stared at the cracked phone screen, the final text chilling you: "Don't wait up for me." Gun. Always inconsistent, a storm in human form. Tears welled again, blurring the angry red line across the display.

You knew this. You knew he'd disappear, push you away just when you felt a sliver of connection. Yet, a choked sob escaped your lips. "Why do I always fall for it?" you whispered.

Every time he resurfaced, that infuriating charm would pull you back in. The way his eyes twinkled with mischief, the way his touch sent shivers down your spine, even when it was followed by a harsh push.

"Maybe this time will be different," you whispered, wiping your eyes with a shaky hand. You knew better. Gun reveled in pushing people to their breaking point.

You hated him, you truly did. But the thought of him never returning, the silence stretching on forever, was a terrifying prospect.

𝐆𝐎𝐎 𝐊𝐈𝐌 ➥ The diamond necklace gleamed in the moonlight, the reflection highlighting the fresh bruise forming on your wrist. A cruel souvenir from your latest encounter with Goo. He had thrown the expensive necklace at you, a half-hearted apology along with it.

You traced the smooth surface of the diamond, a single tear falling onto it. Goo was a whirlwind of chaotic emotions – one minute showering you with extravagant gifts, the next pushing you away with hurtful words and sometimes he even got violent.

"He doesn't care about you," a voice in your head taunted. You knew it.

You knew you should leave, but the thought of him with someone else sent a jolt of jealousy through you. It was a twisted love, fueled by his unpredictable charm and a desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, you could be the one to tame him finally.

𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐄𝐄 ➥The silence in the dimly lit room felt suffocating. James Lee, a man surrounded in mystery, had a coldness that seeped into your very core.

He'd warned you – getting close would only lead to pain. He was basically a ticking time bomb, a weapon honed for destruction. But as you watched him disappear into the night, a different kind of pain bloomed in your chest.

Tears welled, blurring the sight of the empty space where he once stood. "Is it always going to be like this?" you whispered to the empty room. He was a contradiction– a kind soul trapped in a violent shell.

And against your better judgment, you found yourself drawn to the flicker of humanity in those steely eyes. You knew he'd break you, but the hope of reaching the man beneath the mask, that was a dangerous flame you couldn't seem to extinguish.

𝐒𝐀𝐌𝐔𝐄𝐋 𝐒𝐄𝐎 ➥Samuel's silence was the loudest sound in the room. You sat across from him, the remnants of a fight hanging thick in the air. A fresh purple bruise bloomed on your cheek, a reminder of his impulsive rage.

"I get it," you whispered, voice thick with emotion. "I messed up. But does it always have to end like this?"

He wouldn't meet your eyes. You could practically feel the storm brewing behind his stoic facade.

"You know I can't help myself," he finally muttered, his voice rough. "But you... you keep coming back."

There was a truth in his words that stung. Despite the fiery arguments, the physical confrontations, there was a loyalty, a fierce protectiveness in Samuel you couldn't ignore. You loved the rough around the edges, the fierce heart that beat beneath his gruff exterior, even when it hurt you.

𝐆𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐌 ➥ "Honestly, you just slow me down."

It wasn't the first time his words had cut deep. He pushed you constantly, your struggles a source of amusement rather than concern.

"It wasn't my fault they messed up the order, Gitae," you mumbled, voice hoarse. "I just brought it back."

You'd seen that look a hundred times – the opening to a cutting remark or a dismissal that sent your heart plummeting.

He scoffed. "Typical. You can't even handle a simple delivery." The sting of his words was familiar, a dull ache settling in your chest. You knew Gitae craved perfection, and you, well, you were anything but.

Yet, when he wasn't tearing you down, there was a softness in his gaze, a flicker of something more. It was that flicker that kept you tethered to him, the hope that maybe, just maybe, you could be good enough.

You then forced a smile. "Look, I can go back and try again. Just tell me what you want, okay?"

𝐕𝐈𝐍 𝐉𝐈𝐍

➥ You traced your fingers gently over Vin Jin's eye. "It doesn't bother me, you know," you murmured. "I just see you."

He flinched, pulling away from your touch. "How can you say that? This..." He gestured bitterly at his eye. "It's a constant reminder. Of how weak– of how I'll never be good enough."

Your heart broke a little at the self-loathing in his voice. You reached for his hand, but he jerked it away. "Don't," he snapped. "I don't need your pity."

You opened your mouth to protest, but the look in his remaining eye - turbulent with shame and anger - stopped you cold. He'd always been hyper-aware of his disfigurement.

And no amount of reassurance from you could seem to pierce the armor of insecurity he'd built around himself.

“Don’t follow me,” he said before storming out, leaving you behind.

𝐄𝐔𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄

➥ Eugene swept into the penthouse suite without so much as a glance in your direction. His brow was furrowed, phone clamped to his ear as he barked orders to someone on the other end of the line.

You sighed, setting down the dinner you'd spent hours preparing. Just another night playing second fiddle to Eugene's business dealings, it seemed.

Finally, he ended the call with a curt, "Get it done." Turning towards you, his expression was all business. "This had better be important. I have important places to be in the morning."

You fought to keep your voice steady. "It's our anniversary. Two years today, remember?"

Eugene's face remained impassive. "And? You know how crucial this period is for destroying Charles Choi. I can't afford any distractions right now."

The sharp sting of rejection burned in your chest. You'd hoped, just this once, he could set aside his work obsession and be present with you.

But his work would always come first. You were merely someone to warm his bed at night, easily discarded when you became an "unnecessary distraction."

#lookism headcanons #lookism x male reader #lookism #webtoon lookism #gun park #goo kim #james lee #dg #samuel seo #gitae kim #lookism gitae #eugene lookism #eugene #x male reader #x male oc #sad #agnst #headcanon

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