#going through school stuff.. dies
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Do u take commissions?
thinking of opening them in a few days bwahh
#gonna reblog commission info post from my main blog#I crave transformers commissions I wanna draw funny robots and yuri grgrrrr#going through school stuff.. dies
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rip lucy and mina you wouldāve loved farcille. rip marcille you wouldāve loved westenray (falin lost interest and fell asleep before finishing the book)
#dracula#lucy westenra#mina harker#mina Murray#Westenray#dungeon meshi#farcille#marcille donato#falin touden#my post#dungeon meshi spoilers in tags: ->#something about itā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦idk#childhood girl best friends#a blonde woman who everyone loves and idealizes#proposed to by one of her male friends. has expectations relating to marriage and who she should marry#sheās in peril pretty much immediately. everyone tries to save her but she dies.#sheās unnaturally brought back as a perversion of her former self: a cold blooded killer#the gang has to put her to rest. itās for the best#luckily Falin is allowed more independence by surviving and having her own story rip#her best friend: an intelligent hard worker/teacher with some gender stuff going on#since iirc itās possible that mina taught Lucy at some point?#and Marcille was a teacher/researcher at Falinā s magic school#new women (derogatory) and ābut those are menās clothes!!ā#all affectionate ofc it makes them more interesting characters#who goes through a mini Dark Arc (vampire mina and dungeon lord marcille)#edit: okay more thoughts. I think that Falin would watch a play or movie and not think too much of it and marcille would go#NOO IT WASNT IN THE SPIRIT OF THE ORIGINAL BOOK!!! listen to the audiobook the adaptations ruin it!!#and Falin would enjoy it more like that
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Grief and anger hand in hand
Dust belongs to Ask-Dusttale Deathās Doorstep (this band AU) belongs to me
Lyrics from I Am My Own Muse by Fall Out Boy
#Hehe. lore and such#Very very happy with this one I tried some different stuff and I think it worked well#Armageddon art#deathās doorstep#dust sans#dust!sans#dusttale sans#Undertale AU#sans AU#AU sans#utmv#Murder sans#This is when heās in high school. Right after his brother died#I could write something more in depth but I am Tired#essentially heās got a lotta shit going on and he#impulsively ran out to his garage and destroyed his guitar right there#cause so much was out of his control and he fucking hated it#And he was mad at too many things. And he was going through it he wasnāt thinking#idk how to explain it without it sounding stupid my brain is half dead /nsrs#also this. Like I said. Takes place several years before the āmainā plot of the DD stuff#so I know this guitar looks like the one I usually draw him with#and thatās cause I fucked up with my last highschool-era piece and gave him the same guitar as the present#so letās say he destroys this one first. Goes through two more. Then eventually ends up with another that looks just like this one#idk if that made sense. Hopefully#OKAY shutting up now my bad#Eye strain#tw eye strain#cw eye strain
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just remembered my s1 drama class made us watch the boy in the striped pyjamas and act out scenes from it what the actual fuck was that about
#out of all the movies to have us watch and perform why the bad holocaust fanfic#also i remember being the only jewish kid in that class#like i left the room crying half way through watching and had to sit in the teachers office writing something while everyone else after was#like ālmaooo they both died Lā or smthn#seriously thinking back what. the fuck. were they thinking w/ that#how did that school go from being one of the only schools to teach hebrew in scotland or something a few decades ago to this#they donāt even teach hebrew anymore#+ really antisemitic students + some other stuff aswell#hope iām not doxxing myself too hard in the tags here but ykš§#antisemitism#jumblr#ryan shut the fuck up
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I dont want to get things confused he said hed never settle for some boy he couldn't use so now I gotta call the doctor so he prescribe me medication so I can deal with all the memories of being here this way
#I fuckinh hate him#he doesn't even deserve to be thought about by me#let alone have lyrics dedicated for him#this stupid ass song is reminding me of himĀæ#I hate him oh my god#but it's like at every turn I see his disgusting face and I have to force myself to not break down just right and there#I get flash backs just at the slight reminder of him#I'm gonna vomit#I was doing so good until I fucking saw him#I might switch schools just because of this#it's not something I want but it's kinda hard to just do school and stuff when I think he's in the class right next to me#I see him everywhere#HE FUCKING TRAUMATIZED ME.#HE RUINED MY LIFE.#and I just have to āget over itā? get over it? get over it?#get over it? really? get over IT?#go through what I fucking went through then talk.#I'm so mentally drained#I don't wanna live anymore#I mean I was able to see all my friends at least once so..#that was one of the things I wanted before I died#finn yaps š#vent#ā
finn sings š¤
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tomorrow is my first day of classes as I go back to school for the first time in eight years and my family has picked today to blow up at each other and drag me into it
#VERY long story short#after my Papa died my dad buying the house out from my mom became a real possibility again#so all of us slowed down on the house sale stuff#and that included me shifting my focus from packing and looking for a place to getting ready to start school#but as of about two and a half hours ago my father is again freaking the fuck out#and saying we need to have the house ready to go on the market in seven fucking days#bc my mom has asked for a downpayment which he says he canāt afford#(when I asked him how much she was asking for he said he didnāt know. so itās less ācanātā and more ādoesnāt want toā but whatever)#anyway I asked him to ask bc if it comes down to it I would prefer to loan my dad the money for the downpayment#bc in exchange I get stability while I go back to school and the money I lose in interest would just be going to increased rent anyway#so now I get a text from my mother saying ādo not give your father money for the downpaymentā#and Iāve been trying so hard to be supportive of them both without it seeming like Iām ātaking sidesā#but I kind of snapped and said āI love you but donāt tell me what to do. Iām not doing this to ābail dad outāā#āIām doing this bc itās the best option for me right now.ā#and now sheās not responding to me#I fucking hate this#she needs the money. I need a stable place to live. let me loan him the money so YOU have the money mom!#I know youāre worried he wonāt pay me back bc heās proven to be less than honest with his finances in the past but also.#Iām his only kid. not to be macabre but Iāll be getting it back eventually one way or another unless he somehow writes me out of his will.#just fuckin. Iām supposed to be reading through my syllabuses and figuring out bullshit websites for school rn.#I donāt want to be dealing with family drama and impending homelessness rn pls chill#personal
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going to explode forever
#iām still cleaning my room right and i have my shitty old laptop that i bought ~4.5 years ago that got me through college and everything#and it was sooo good i loved her so much !! i still have to use it for editing my amvs too bc the screen resolution is just so much better#than the new computer i bought last may. anyway but i have to connect a keyboard to it and keep it plugged in 24/7 bc it immediately dies#otherwise and certain keys donāt work. like when i say itās on its last legs i mean it#and itās crashing more and more lately so iām too scared to edit anything bc i donāt have anything backed up !!!!!!#but ANYWAY itās ridiculous to have to have 2 laptops one for editing amvs and one for all my other stuff like browsing and school etc#like thatās taking up so much space itās such a hassle etc but the laptop i would really need is . $1500 š®āšØš¤¢#and even if i sold my new-used 1 year old laptop it would only go for like. $500-$600 max and i canāt afford $1100 š but also i DO have loan#money from school and it WOULD be a big investment but !!! i grew up poor!!!!!! i live in constant fear of big purchases !!!!#but i also know!!! that this big purchase would meet all my needs and last for years!!! anyway. okay iām done ranting i tired myself out#if ur reading this hi kiss š
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I really really wish dreams were easier to understand/interpret
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#I keep having dreams/nightmares about repressed memories &/or memories in general or like investigations or smth#like my dreams will be point blank referencing something going so far as to literally tell me that in dream but either I donāt know what or#I donāt fully understand why? like some stuff is obvious and easy & usually I figure it out in dream or right after#but other times itās just like ???? or itās like I have some of the pieces but not all of them and I have no idea what picture Iām supposed#to be trying to put together for the puzzle either? sometimes dreams are just cool adventures with like messaging or processing#other times itās memories and I can tell Iām in a memory but I either canāt tell which one or why or itās like a hazy remix of several ? or#sometimes itās like thereās someone else there with me guiding me through it? sometimes itās like another me or a demon or a ghost or a god#Iāve also noticed a huge uptick in dreams/nightmares where itās like I can tell the time period they come from and itās been getting#like progressively younger? like I had some post grad then high school then middle#and then last sleeps one was elementary or younger maybe bits & pieces where I was slightly older?#I remember going through different places i lived in order to figure out my ideal living area but there was a memory block on one area#& I remember exploring like my childhood home & I know I was a kid because I was short and everything looked like it did when I was little#everything was bigger & I remember there was I think parties? & AU versions of my family some supernatural#ik there was an investigation w/ me & an Alt ver of my sis bc smth happened to both of us & it was like a whodunnit while a cooking comp was#sort of in the back ground? think iron chef but supernatural it went between that and parties where I was the only kid there so if I go#based on that thereās at least 2 maybe 3 hazy memories of parties my siblings had? 1 was in upstairs bathroom which was hazy but I remember#I was alone with this one girl in the bathroom at some point who I think later died if itās the same girl & then the other one thereās hazy#memories of I think me showing one of my sisters friends around the basement? around the same area as the dream too#I also keep having dreams/nightmares of the same house ik I had one before where it was abt how me+siblings have ties there that will keep#leading us back & I think my dad was trying to sever it or fix it from the afterlife? Iāve had a lot of dreams about him & the house#heās usually either dealing w/ smth there or stuck or needs my help or itās just memories/easier there but occasionally he gets really creep#like I had a nightmare a while ago where he was this scary shadow man at the end of the basement hall I didnāt actually know if it was him#but bc dream logic I wanted it to be him so I ran towards him & it turned into an older version that wouldnāt have been there normally#also weird coz itās normal to have nightmares abt certain members of my family but the recent one was very different than they normally are#Iām not usually as young like Iām often younger (sometimes older) but not usually that same feeling and time period#I think the last time I rmemeber having nightmares like that was when I WAS that age back when I used to have nightmares every night#+ ofc occasional sleep paralysis (thanks tonsils) itās like my brain is trying to remember all the stuff Iāve blocked out over the years
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The brain is such an interesting thing actually. Why are my coping mechanisms what they are.... they're not even that bad they're just very strange?? Instead of bullying myself I bully the blorbos.
#i go through a time of high stress#and my brain goes right back to the highest stress points of my life#but ive trained it to like#instead of bully me with stuff#bully the BLORBOS with stuff#so physically and half mentally im fine#on the other hand my blorbos go through like#the au contemplation of a lifetime#where my brain goes āwhat if they died. okay now focus on how that effects the story and the people around them. focus on the tragedy.ā#an it WORKS????????#i dont know what to cw tag this post as uhmm#i guess ill tag it for the wording in the tags here#cw sui mention#btw im currently feeling way better than normal im at my grandparents on a break from school#im like fine#im just thinking abt how fucking weird this is
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clairo . CLAIRO hellooo HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#album in JULY??????? This July. im. this julyyyyy as in JULY 2024 IM CHEWING ON GLASS RN#falls to my knees and dies#why would she say this to me specifically omg#im literlaly gonna be SICK#!!!#this is gonna be what gets me through the last hellish bit of school i think.#anyway as you all know im very good at being Normal about things so naturally im be going insane over this#in better news for people who followed me for stuff i havent posted about in months i have a st fic in progress so!!!!!!!!!!!!#maybe this summer?? i am super busy atm and i genuinely dont think ive been this stressed in my life but i should be free SOON yay
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Why is it i can only ever remember stupid unimportant bullshit and i cant remember important things even when it hurts that i cant remember
#i remember stupid conversations from over a decade ago and so much of the bullying and little stupid stuff but i cant even remember the date#my friend fucking died or large chunks of childhood or what happened to me the night i was raped much less when it actually happened other#than a nebulous āsummer of 2019ā which is really not a lot to go on#i just had to go back through her facebook memorial page to figure out when she died and it was on our fucking half birthday#bc we had the same birthday. well not the same year but same month and day. and i couldnt remember when she died.#itās like my brain only holds onto useless garbage. choreo from a musical i watched in high school? sure. what H did to me that night? nope.#sometimes i think thereās something really wrong with me.#vent
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I want to write a story to do as an audio novel aka podcast cause I love reading out loud and narrating and Iām good at it but I also want it to be something I need minimal/none other voice actors to do so that I can just do it at my own pace but my problem is I canāt come up with a good enough plot for a story thatās just narrated by one person. premises aplenty! but aside from the situation itās so hard to think of the actual story I would want to tell
#shhh sharkie#i did speech and debate all through HS and I did storytime at the aquarium and in general did teaching stuff at the aquarium#and my dad used to say I was the best lector at church and I knew he wasnāt stroking my ego#cause he had OPINIONS on the other lectors#like. I was only number 2 in his top 5 until number 1 legit died. he was SERIOUS about that shit.#and I had a couple classes in both undergrad and grad school that required voice recordings#(language classes and then a conservation media class that I chose to do a few podcast episodes)#and every time had people be like āwow you have a great narrative voice!ā#and itās something I enjoy doing! I love oral storytelling!!!!!#so I want to do something with that. just for me and just for fun.#like the plan would be to write most/all of the story and pre-record as much as possible#so that I can have a slightly regular release schedule without killing myself#but like actively would not be pursuing any ads/sponsors Iām not here to sell undies or meals i just want to tell you a story#I just need a blanket fort and my computer and a will to write a story#like i said i have a bunch of premises in mind but just not the actual plots i want to go with them#and again just like. maybe asking friends for voice clips for certain moments or affecting my own voice in some way to voice more characters#but otherwise I really want it to just be me.#anyway idk just need a lot more brainstorming
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sorry venting
the joy of having fun little knickknacks and thingamajigs related to what you love VS. the desire to not become overwhelmed by material items + the agony overwhelming that comes with being keenly surrounded by stuff: FIGHT
#maybe itās just bc I have āstill living in my childhood bedroom as an adultā syndrome#but am in the process of tidying up and it just. god. fucking bowled me over#sometime soon I gotta Marie kondo this place again#and maybe look into upgrading storage#instead of yāknow sticking with the stuff Iāve been using since middle school#but also also pre Covid before (and after) my grandfather died#a lot of stress my mom was under (and me by extension) was that he was an awful hoarder#and he didnāt rlly care#but then he died and we had to take sporadic trips out to his old apartment and help his roommate/partner/person go through all his shit#and then we had to just start throwing shit out bc their rent lease end was coming up and she needed to have everything moved out#so now itās like. I feel hypersensitive to it#and we still have so much shit in the house not even in my room#some of which is still his!!!#and itās likeā¦.. mom wants to go through it all properly and try and sell it but Iām fucking so tired of it. just get rid of it you have an#an Outback just shove it all in your car and take a trip to goodwill and whatever goodwill doesnt take bring to the free section in the dump#but sheās not going to do that bc Sheās Mom and whenever I try to just throw stuff out she says stuff that makes me second guess myself#or insists sheāll try to find someone to give it to#but then she doesnāt a lot of the time so it just sits in my room or some random spot around the house#she is picking and choosing every battle that is presented to her and she is losing and I am trying not to lose my mind
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2nd watch, a few new details:
On the first watch, I was like "of course Owen couldn't go with Maddy the first time, her mom had cancer :(". But this time I caught that Maddy went missing "a few weeks" after Owen's mom died. Owen had nothing left to stay for. Maddy probably waited around for those extra weeks, just in case Owen had a change of heart. And yet,
The first time we see the dress flashback, it's through what seems like a relatively objective perspective. The second time we see it (as they walk to the grave), the memory has taken on the vhs-fuzz and aspect ratio of the pink opaque tapes. The real becomes unreal, an impossible fantasy, "kid stuff"
Happened to see a captioned screening this time, and the Tara from the streaming version is described as "Fake Tara."
The tv guide page Owen finds by the electrical field is for "season 6, episode 1: Escape from the Midnight Realm"
Mr. Melancholy and Maddy's ex friend who accused them of dykery ("like a secret agent sent to ruin my life") were the same actor
All the school hallway motivational posters are thematically relevant, but this time I caught the "the only easy day is yesterday" and "courage: without it, no other virtues matter" ones
You can see the emotional shifts between Owen and Narrator Owen in real time (ie, Owen looking distraught as the firefighters surround Maddy's tv, then dropping the expression and looking coolly into the camera as she starts to narrate again)
There's an interesting recurring thing where audio from the near "future" plays over footage from the "past." ie, we hear Maddy's planetarium monologue, while we watch Owen still walking to the school to meet them. Something about time not working right, something about Owen playing back memories that already happened, something about inevitability and walking down a path with a fixed ending
Void High School, or VHS
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OK BUT GO OFF YOU ARE SO RIGHT
that boy LOVED his mom. he did EVERYTHING for her. he took care of her for a year when she started getting sick.
Anyway fic where Jason's best memory/person he loves most/deepest desire is revealed through magic or something but instead of anything to do with the bats or being a vigilante it's him and Catherine. His best memory is his first time visiting the public library with his mom. The person he loves most is the first person who ever loved him. His deepest desire is that his parents never died and he grew up in that little east end apartment and he graduated top of his class and he became a doctor and he got his folks a bigger house and he visits them regularly with his normal civilian boyfriend and they accept him and he's happy. If any of you even care.
#bat rambles#i'll even pull up the fucking panels if i have to like#ugh his robin run is so good#also one of the BIGGEST worries bruce had at the start of Jason's run?#that jason was going to kill two-face bc two-face killed his dad#his parents are supposed to be two people who got swept up into shit bc of poverty and the cycle you get trapped in when you're that deep i#and his dad was just some random goon who fucking died#like Jason is the child of one of these people that Batman often just beats the fuck out of and jails#and jason had to take care of his sick mom until she fucking died on him#when bruce found him he was just kinda chilling in the abandoned complex he had been taking care of her in#and jason didn't really give a fuck about his dad#but he cared enough that he was big mad when he faced two-face again#but his love for his mom is why he went so fucking feral looking for her#bruce also fucked up a LOT with jason#he tried to send him to ma gunn's school at first which. bad idea.#but jason fucked her shit up bc he's smart as hell and very determined to be his own man#and then he doesn't trust jason with two-face#and again later when he thinks jason killed the guy who brutalized (and murdered) the sex worker before Bruce was like#ok ur done with robin now ur trauma is TOO MUCH#like babes bruce was so bad with him#he has happy memories of being robin#and he has a few memories here and there of being happy like the school stuff in the comic where he's doing the extra credit at the museum#or when he joins the theater club#but he never really fit in with either. he had been through too much to connect w people his age#and then he found out his mom was actually alive#after taking care of her for a fucking year#stealing and bringing her food#he dropped out of school for her my guys#that boy is a mama's boy#jason todd
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Due to some stuff brought up in recent posts I believe it is time to once again extol the virtues of Ms-Demeanor's Patented Where Did I Put That Fucking Paper Organizational Binder.
Hello! I am a disorganized adult! This is the system by which I manage my important shit like pink slips for my car and medical records and tax information.
You're going to need:
A 3-Ring Binder
Transparent Sheet Protectors
Notebook dividers (optional but VERY useful)
A backpack (optional)
So the way this system works is you put the sheet protectors into the binder. You can either use the dividers to divide the binder into sections or you can label some of the sheet protectors to make different sections but what you are generally going to do is make sections of the binder labeled things like "taxes" or "vet" or "doctor" and put a few sheet protectors in each section.
Then all of your papers with important information get crammed in that folder. You don't organize them, you don't sort them by date, you don't alphabetize. You put things vaguely relating to taxes into the sheet protectors in the taxes section. You put things relating to cars in the cars section. You don't even attempt to make this readable - you're not using sheet protectors so that you can read each page and keep it legible, you're using sheet protectors because it's a cheap plastic bag that will sit nicely in a binder.
You CAN put stuff into the individual sheet protectors when you get it, but let's be realistic you probably WON'T do that, so just tuck individual papers into the front of the binder until you get to a critical mass of paperwork then take an hour to sit down and sort into categories and put it in the binder once every six months to three years (depending on how frequently you get paperwork). Sometimes these sections will outgrow their original allotted space - since my spouse had a transplant surgery the medical section has had to become its own folder - and that's okay. If you end up with multiple folders just keep them together (this is why the backpack is an option, and one I strongly recommend).
Because yeah, if my organization system relies on opening up a drawer and putting something where it belongs as soon as I get the paper, I will simply not be organized. It's not going to happen. But I can handle a messy stack of paper that sits in one place and grows until it is time to shove it into a binder. I can't organize things for thirty seconds a day every day but I can organize things for an hour once every year or so (maybe two hours every five years when I sort out stuff I don't need like copies of warranties for parts on a car I don't own anymore).
When my mom died she had about fifty pounds of paper files in her office that were neatly organized in a system that didn't make any sense to my dad, my sister, and I. I ended up sorting through those files for twenty hours, tossing out copies of paid invoices from ten years ago and student handbooks from my junior high school. I reduced one filing cabinet, two desk file drawers, and a foot-high stack to a six inch binder that I gave to my dad. My mom died five years ago; two months ago my dad asked me about a medical document and I was able to tell him to go look for it in the medical section of the binder. It was there, because ALL IMPORTANT SHIT GOES IN THE BINDER.
Where is my birth certificate? In the binder. Where is my tax return from 2017? In the binder. Where is the record of my dog's last rabies shot? In the binder. Where are the records for my life insurance? In the binder.
A lot of what people consider "being organized" breaks down to whether or not you can find the specific things that you're looking for. Does my binder look nice? Is it aesthetic? Does it have color-coded tabs and papers all laid out neatly? Absolutely fucking not. But if you ask me where to find a paper I know that I can do so within about five minutes of shuffling through the pile of letter-folded sheets that I pulled out of the appropriate section of the binder.
I've discussed the Where Did I Put that Fucking Paper Binder before, but now it is time to expand that concept to the Backpack of Important Shit.
You likely have Important Shit that does not fit in a binder. Some of my Important Shit that does not fit in a binder is stuff like jewelry and the spare key for my car. Other stuff - the reason I decided to bring this up at all - includes my backup hard drive and packaging (including product key codes) for pretty much all of the software that I own. This is also where I store printed out copies of the recovery codes for most of the online accounts that I have.
There's a lot of weird fiddly shit that we have to have that we might not access all that often. This is the kind of stuff that might end up in junk drawers or under sinks or in disused laptop bags or kicking around under a bunch of papers in a desk drawer.
It doesn't matter so much when that weird fiddly shit is a set of hex keys or a utility knife or a protractor or a copy of a student handbook but it DOES matter when it's something that you might need to put your hands on in a hurry. If your computer crashes, you're not going to want to track down the software in the back of a filing cabinet and the backup drive from somewhere in the bowels of your desk. If you lock your keys in your car you are not going to want to figure out if your spare is in a junk drawer or the old purse where you keep semi-important stuff or the tin on your desk that has buttons and pins and headphone covers. Just put it in the Backpack of Important Shit and when you need it you know where to look.
So anyway, if you are a person who is a minor disaster who has trouble finding important things when you need them please don't think that you have to get your life together and have a nice organized filing cabinet or clear plastic bins full of documents or a neatly divided storage closet where everything from board games to backup drives has its own neatly labeled place. Just assign ONE LOCATION for important shit and start putting the important shit there. It doesn't matter if you have a filing cabinet where you keep old copies of homework and printouts of online orders and family history records - you do not need to keep everything that is file-able in one place and depending on what level of catastrophe you are it might be detrimental to you if you try to do that. It doesn't matter if you have a jewelry box where you keep your collection of gauges and wrist cuffs; if you are going to stress out about where grandma's ring is when you're digging through your collection of cheap earrings and silver pendants then *do not keep grandma's ring or any other Important, Vital, Cannot Be Lost jewelry in with your day-to-day wear*.
I live someplace that has fires. My binder got upgraded to my Backpack of Important Shit when the fires were getting uncomfortably close to the house I was living in and I wanted to have one bag to grab if we had to get out fast. Once I did that, I never took the binder out of the backpack and the backpack has now made three moves with me and has meant that I've had my birth certificate handy when I needed it in the middle of a move between two states, I was able to provide a history of my cholesterol panel going back six years to a visiting nurse, and I was able to give the exact names and contact info of my spouse's previous surgeon to the hospital when I had unexpectedly moved to a new state with three bags and my work computer at the beginning of the pandemic.
Get yourself a backpack of important shit and a folder of where the fuck did i put that paper. It is so much easier to search a backpack for important shit than to go through an entire house and it is so much easier to flip through a binder than it is to dig through a filing cabinet.
Anyway good luck and happy adulting.
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