#going off my meds was a good choice but a bad choice too i feel crazy

[b-blushes]

joy has returned to my heart!!! peace and love on planet earth (:

[slut-for-a-good-latte]

knees

sitting cross-legged much more lately. hard to work from my laptop when i'm not at my desk. harder still to work at my desk, but that's another story.

my head hurts. i have left my glasses and my vision is too fuzzy and out of focus to be comfortable right now. i want to close my eyes and sleep for a month. a year. on and on until someone remembers to wake me up.

i wonder when i will stop feeling fragile. i wonder when i will stop feeling like a child. asking always for help and understanding and accommodation.

when will my stomach stop hurting. when will my skin stop crawling. when will my heartbeat slow enough that i do not feel as though i am dying.

when will i feel like i can leave my mother's living room?

she is, i think, growing tired

i miss being 17 and bitter. it felt right at the time. cathartic. angry. motivating. bitter always paired with desperation to move away from the bitterness, to do better.

now i am tired and small and i just want to stop moving. my knees hurt too much to keep walking.

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[anywhosiesx3]

Leon Kennedy Headcanons ♡

my Leon headcanons because i love him and think about him about him constantly, so enjoy my hcs about this man <3

some are silly and random, some are romantic.

-he's such a SWEETHEART.

-omg. he's a sweetie. i can't with this man. he makes me smile and giggle every time i see him. he's such a himbo you guys.

-he speaks italian, english and spanish. since he is from Italy (or rather, his parents are), he's known the language since birth. then learned english when he got to kindergarten.

-i don't think his english or spanish are the best though since they're not his first. he'll sometimes be forget some english words when talking to somebody, so he replaces them with italian ones and his coworks are just like "what???" 🤨

-has definitely said "wow there partner" or "wow there cowboy" when somebody pisses him off.

-he likes both women and men. he has no preference either. i see him as either bi or pan, probably more pan leaning since that's what i am.

-he's literally such a good boyfriend, i can't. even if you too aren't dating and are just friends, he's so sweet. i would gladly given him a kiss on the cheek if i could.

-if you we're to get your period, he'll buy you pads and tampons. if you get cramps, he'll sit on the ground or lay in bed with you and rub your back. he'll go "i'm so sorry baby." :(

-his favorite colors (and color pallet) are blue and black. the blue is meant to represent stylishness.

-he's so dog coded. like just full on golden retriever energy.

-likes lizards. bc i said so.

-goes to NICU and rocks babies with Rebecca sometimes, it makes his life feel somewhat normal and i love that for him <3 also girl dad leon. "girl dad leon!" we all say in unison.

-his birthday is around july-august, my brain says July 25th for some reason.

-if you're taking to long to get ready, he will threaten to leave you behind but he's not. you know it. he knows it. everyone knows it. "will you hurry up baby? i will leave you." "no you won't." "you're right, i probably won't...just hurry up, please."

-calls you baby, babe, and sweetheart. i just picture him calling you something basic or something.

-goes to a coffee shop every morning and gets the same coffee to start his day off strong. his drink choice is either really plain or stupidly girl 😭😭

-also leon is a fashion icon. especially older leon. you can deny it all you want, but in the end, we know he's cunty. like cunty cunty. like he has his bachelor in cuntology with a major in motherlogical studies at the university of servington.

-motorcycle rides!!!!!!!!!! :3 (re6-)

-as a teenager, he had really bad acne, so during re2 and generation he has a skin care routine but never tells anyone (only Krauser knows. he kinda approves, Krauser is all about taking care of yourselves to improve), so he washes his face before bed, takes meds for his skin, and puts medicine all over his face.

-however as his mental heath declines, he'll stop doing it, and his acne will either stay the same or get as bad as it was in teenager.

-also Krauser is HIGHLY against facial hair and forced Leon to shave it. but after he dies, leon stops giving a shit.

-his favorite my little pony characters are fluttershy and rainbow dash of course.

also i made a playlist for him, so you wanna listen to it, here's the link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uLAoUjwZaXzxcH8uCt7yP?si=a3f2e9cf27b54365 also the songs are not what i think he would like, it's just songs that remind of him :D

[demonsslayersstuff]

When You’re Sick (JJK Men x Reader)

A/N: Doing my first head canon/ drabble for JJK men. This about how they take care of reader when they are sick because I am battling a nasty cold. No major warnings mostly fluff, maybe slight angst. I'm going to do this for AOT and Demon Slayer too, so stay tuned for that!

Characters: Nanami, Choso, Gojo, Sukuna, Higuruma, Geto

Kento Nanami:

I feel like this man is 1000% husband material, like he is not my top choice for who I find the most attractive in JJK, but he is my top choice if I was going to marry anyone cause this man would take care of you and treat you right

When you wake up with a sore throat and cough he is immediately checking your temperature, telling you to stay in bed, and going to the pharmacy.

If its not a bad sickness he'll feel comfortable to go to work as long as you promise to check in with him throughout the day. If your really really sick he's taking the day off, driving you to the doctor and keeping an eye on you

Nanami would always make sure you had enough water, tea, soup, whatever. I could see him drawing you a bath and also cuddling you. He doesn't care that if he might sick, if you want to be held, he's holding you

"Ken", you call out, voice scratchy. Today was not a good day for you, you felt like utter and complete shit. "Honey, what's wrong?", he asks coming back into the bedroom. "I don't feel like I'm going to make it to work today, I feel like crap", you say before curling up into a ball, your head was killing you. Nanami places his hand your forehead, noting that it was a little warmer than usual. "You do feel warm, let me go run to pharmacy across the street and get you some cold medicine", he tells you. In record time Nanami is back giving you your first dose of meds. "Ok take the next dose in four hours. I put crackers and tea on your nightstand, do you need anything else?", he asks. "No, thanks love, what would I do without you?", you mumble, feeling drowsy. "Of course, I'm gonna head to work, but I'll text you, rest up", Nanami says before leaning down to give you a soft peck as the medicine pulls you into sleep.

Choso Kamo:

I feel like Choso would freak out a little bit the first time your sick. Like he's never seen anyone like this and would be a bit panicked. He'd worry about you so much, like will do anything in his power to stay home with you, even if its just simple cold.

Will do anything and everything for you. Want your favorite food, already ordered. Achy from the illness, Choso is giving you a soft massage. Want some tea and honey, he's making it for you.

If your really really sick, I could see him immediately calling Shoko and being like "What the hell do I do?". Takes you to the doctor and monitors you 24/7

If for some reason he cannot stay with you, Choso is texting you as much as possible and calling you every couple of hours, he needs to know you are ok.

Choso places the mug next you as you cough hard, nearly hacking up your lung. "Baby, is there anything else I can do?", he asks, worry evident in his voice. "No Cho, the doctor said to rest as much as possible", you tell him with a weak smile. Choso pulls the blanket around you and gives you a gentle kiss on your forehead. "Ok, I'll be downstairs if you need anything, please tell me", he says before standing up to turn off the light. "Cho, can you, maybe cuddle me? Would that be ok? I don't want you to get sick-" you start to ramble, but he quickly cuts you off. "Absolutely", Choso says climbing into to bed with you. He pulls you on his chest, fingers gently massaging you temple. "Thanks", you mumble. "Anytime, anything for you love", Choso replies as you snuggle down into his warm embrace.

Satoru Gojo:

This man is a silly boy, but at the same time I feel like he would be caring. Like he hides his true emotions behind this playful manner, but if you were sick he'd be generally worried. Gojo would 100% be texting Shoko at the first sign of your illness.

He's a busy busy guy, so as much as he wants to, unfortunately he would not be able to stay home to take care of you. Gojo would make the effort to text you throughout the day more than he normally does and would probably call you halfway through the day to hear your voice.

If he can't do it himself he's having someone going to the pharmacy, picking up food for you, and I really could see Gojo asking Shoko to stop by and check on you if you were fairly sick.

When he is able to be home with you, your wrapped up in his arms. He doesn't care if he might get sick, he was unable to prevent you from getting sick, so he will keep you close watching over you until you get better and then he'll still keep you close lol. (Why do I feel like he would be a cuddle monster)

“Sato?”, you mumble as you feel strong arms wrap around your waist, pulling you towards their chest. “Yeah it’s me, how you feeling?”, your husband asks as he gives you a quick peck on the cheek. “M’feeling better, still a bit tired and achy”, you say before turning your body to face him. “When did you get back?”, you ask threading your fingers through his white locks. “Just now, I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you today”, Satoru says and you see the sadness in his eyes. “It’s ok love, Shoko came by to check on me and give me some more meds”, you tell him. “Still…I should be the one-”, he starts but you cut him off. “Satoru, it’s ok. You’re here now and that’s all that matters”, you tell him gently. “Let’s sleep, yeah?”, you continue. “Ok”, he whispers before kissing you softly, hoping sleep finds him quickly that night.

Ryomen Sukuna:

Listen, this man has got other things to be doing than taking care of you. That being said he would still task someone with watching over you

Would want updates on the hour every hour especially if you were really sick. While he himself isn’t the one caring for you he still wants to know your ok

He makes sure you have plenty healthy food, tea, etc ready for you at all times. If you were sick enough that you needed to see the doctor he’d have Uraume personally be there with you every step of the way with again updates every hour.

At the end of the day while you’re sleeping he’d come by to check on you personally. If you want him to hold you it’s gonna take a lot of coaxing on your end, but at the same time I would see him coming to sleep/ lay next to you at the night.

“Make sure you drink all of this with your medicine”, Uraume instructs as they hand you a full glass of water. You grimace as the giant pills move down your throat. “Where is he?”, you question as Uraume takes the cup from you. “The master is busy as always, why?”, they reply. You sigh as you lay back into the bed. “Nothing..I just want him, that’s all, it’s not a big deal”, you say as Uraume pulls the covers over you. “Regardless I will pass your message along. Rest”, they instruct before leaving the room. Hours later you awaken, feeling his presence. “Ryo?”, you call out into the darkness. “You should be sleeping”, he replies, though you note a barely there worry in his tone. “Hold me please”, you say. “Why should I do that brat, you’re sick”, he replies. “Because I’m sick. I feel like shit and I just want to held”, you say as tears well in your eyes. Sukuna sighs, but you feel his hands grip your waist, pulling you to him. “Sleep”, he commands as you lay your head on his chest. For once you don’t argue, clueing Sukuna in on how sick you really were.

Hiromi Higuruma:

This man is a lawyer turned sorcerer so needless to say he is a bit busy. However if y’all are married/dating this man is most definitely putting you first.

Similar to Nanami he’d go to the pharmacy or take you to the doctor to get you the help you need. As long as your not too sick, he’s going into work, but calls you throughout the day when he has time

I see him being a bit more on the hesitant side to kiss or cuddle you cause he doesn’t want to get sick, but he’ll still find other ways to show you he cares like buying you your favorite tea or cooking your favorite sick food

If you’re sick sick, he would totally work from home. Checking on you and making sure you’re taking your meds and keeping fluids down.

“Hiro”, you call from the bedroom, voice scratchy from all the coughing you’d been doing. “What do you need”, he calls, head poking through the door. “I’m sorry to ask, I know you’re working, but would you get me a hot tea please? My throat hurts”, you ask, slightly embarrassed that you didn’t have the energy to do it yourself. “Of course, one tea coming right up”, he says before heading to the kitchen. When he comes back you give him a small smile. “Thank you, sorry for disturbing you”, you say before taking a sip. “Hey now don’t apologize. You’re sick and I know you’d do the same for me”, Higuruma tells you. “You should try to sleep more”, he continues before laying his palm against your forehead, noting that you were still feverish. “Once I finish this, thanks again Hiro”, you say. “Of course, I’ll be on the couch if you need anything else”, he says with light smile before leaving you to get some much needed rest.

Suguru Geto:

For some reason I see him knowing you’re gonna get sick before you even get sick. He notices your sneezing a lot or that you have a light tickle in your throat, so he hits the pharmacy to buy meds before you even need them

When you do wake up sick the next day you see a box of tissues, cough drops, meds, and your favorite hot drink already prepared for you

Texts you throughout the day to keep an eye on you and if you’re sick sick, like the others he’s staying home. Similar to Higuruma he’s gonna keep his distance cause he doesn’t wanna get sick, but still takes care of you

If you aren’t sleepy he’ll bring a chair into the bedroom and watch your favorite movie or read your favorite book to you. Makes sure you take all your meds and drink plenty of fluids

You awaken with a pounding headache and sore throat. “Fuck”, you mumble, sitting up a bit before you see the array of things on your bedside table. Almost if on cue your phone rings. “Make sure you take the blue pill first and then the cough medicine”, Suguru says as you pick up. “You know me too well, thank you Sugu”, you say with a light chuckle. “Of course, I have to be out most of the day, but call me if you need anything ok?”, he tells you. “I will I promise”, you tell him before hanging up. Just as you finish taking your meds you phone pings with a text message. “Drink the whole glass of water love”, Suguru had messaged. “Damn”, you sigh as you look at the half empty glass of water. “He knows me too well”, you mumble before finishing the water. You snuggle under the covers willing the meds to kick in soon.

[llamagoddessofficial]

Hello hello! This is Relating to the prison au and the idea suddenly came to me but how would it differ if the mc was a a lot younger like an intern? I tried searching more if it was even allowed to be a med student intern in a prison but I dunno I just thought it was a neat idea, like if she appeared like an optimistic platonic younger sister more than a romantic interest? Aaaa sorry English isn't my first language I hope the idea got through ^^'

I want to congratulate you, anon... you're the first person in a long time to ask something related to prison au that has never been asked before!

Sans: Unfortunately, he'll be even worse. More manipulative, more possessive... more evil. With an older Mc he might see her as easy to manipulate, but he still absolutely views her as her own person- he'd do bad stuff but he (at least) would still respect her opinions and choices. When she's young, he does not respect her opinions and choices. She's just a kid who doesn't know better, someone who needs him to make the big decisions on her behalf.

The worst part is, once he attaches, he sees her like a little sister. It really fucks up his mind- all of those messy, dark, painful feelings about Papyrus, all that unresolved grief from losing one younger sibling... he doesn't care what happens to anyone. Or anything. So long as he doesn't lose any more family.

He's kind to her; oh-so-kind, a sweet and goofy older brother figure who makes terrible puns and chats to her for hours about her favourite videogames. But he's a terrifying empty creature, and he's absolutely going to use her youth and inexperience to his advantage, to make her trust him more than everyone else. Nothing is off the table.

Red: Red adores her. Much like Sans, he ends up in something of a 'big brother' role- the difference is that Red's connection with her is a lot healthier and gentler, with a decent amount of friendly 'fighting' (tossing harmless insults at each other). He turns into a different person around her; he minds his language somewhat, he manages his temper better, although he teases her his teasing never has any venom and he'll drop jokes that upset her. He was built to be a big brother, and he misses his Papyrus a lot- it feels good to have a bond like that with someone again.

(Speaking of Papyrus- he loves Mc too. He sees the effect she has on Red and he absolutely wants to encourage the positive growth. Also... he always wanted a younger sibling.)

Red makes jokes about giving her contraband or getting her in trouble, and her presence in his life has put her firmly on the inmate no-touch list. Red may be a criminal, and he may associate with people who have done terrible things... but he reserves the worst of the worst punishments for those who hurt kids, and his family. Let alone both.

She's been adopted by the mob.

Skull: Skull's intense feelings about Mc in the prison aus aren't really specifically romantic or platonic in the first place. It's his Soul crying out for love and connection after so long alone. They're just Skull Feelings- so a platonic Mc would see the same degree of insanity, desperation and clinginess from our darling cannibal as her older nurse counterpart.

But... I think he would be a bit better with her, overall. Mc being noticeably younger, in his eyes, makes her more 'fragile'- both emotionally and physically. That nagging thought of i need to be careful and responsible would centre him a little more, make him more aware, gentle and slow. In the same way he wouldn't want to frighten a small child, he doesn't want to frighten her; he moves like hes trying not to spook away a small animal. He'd be better at smiling.

... He would still get moments where he can't help himself. Moments where he snaps out of restraints and grabs her, moments where he attacks other staff for getting too close to her. But he tries.

[verstappentime]

lots of people asking for the first part of this bit of my divorce 'verse, so here it is <3 (recap: max retired from racing after his injury in silverstone was much worse than irl, he and daniel are no longer together)

Charles hasn’t spoken to him much since the breakup. They largely don’t look at each other in press conferences and driver’s parades. He doesn’t know what Max’s version of events is, what he’s told their friends. He has to let himself be happy Max is talking to anyone. Has to accept it, even if it means losing other people.

So when Charles calls, he knows it’s nothing good.

“Uh, let me get this,” he tells Scotty. Scotty rolls his eyes. He’d just been about to lecture Daniel about putting himself out there again.

“Hi, Daniel,” Charles says. He sounds strained, off.

“Hi?” Daniel shrugs at Scotty, I don’t know.

“I’m here with Max. He’s– he was fine before, maybe he was pretending, I don’t know. But he’s having one of his headaches, the bad ones?”

“Like a migraine?”

“Yes, that. Sorry. He’s scaring me. He’s– very sick and his eyes look weird and he won’t talk to me.”

Daniel swallows. This is not his responsibility anymore. This is not his responsibility anymore. “Can you ask him to rate his pain? Like, out of ten? He should be able to hold up his fingers if he can’t talk.”

There’s murmuring Daniel can’t make out. Then, “He says seven?” So, like, nine, minimum, if you’re a normal person.

“Does he need to go to the hospital?” Across from him, Scotty looks increasingly alarmed. Daniel waves a hand at him.

Charles says, “I asked him, but he told me to fuck off.”

Daniel pinches the bridge of his nose. “Okay. There’s a number for his neurologist in his phone, okay? So if he starts slurring his words or anything extra weird, call that number. It’s normal for him to have a little trouble talking, but you’ll know the difference. Dr. Monroe. Do you have that?”

“Is that going to happen?”

“Charles. Do you understand.” Daniel can’t fucking do this. He fishes in his wallet, phone balanced on his ear, slaps down fifty euros in front of Scotty and stands up. He mouths ‘I’ll call you.’ Scotty points at his food, and Daniel whispers, “Eat it, I have to go.”

Charles says, “Yes, I understand.”

“Okay. Good. Can you ask him if he has his meds?”

Charles covers the speaker, muffled. “Max, do you have your medicine?” Max must shake his head. “He says no.”

Daniel curses, rubbing his eyes. Fucking hell. “Okay. Just– keep him comfortable, as best you can. No lights. If you have a sleep mask or something it might help. Get him something with sugar to drink.” He fumbles with his car keys until he can get a proper grip and unlock it. “I’m coming.”

Charles’s voice goes hushed. “Daniel, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

There’s a whimper in the background. It must belong to Max. Daniel’s heart hurts. He knows he doesn’t have a choice. He’s already punching Max’s address into his GPS. “I’m fucking coming, Charles, christ. I know the code to his apartment, I know where the meds are. I need you to let me in when I get there.”

“I really—”

“You called me,” Daniel reminds him.

Charles is silent for a moment. Then he sighs, resigned. “Okay. Fine.”

“Good. Look, just– tell him it’s going to pass. It’s gonna be okay. If he starts having problems with his vision he gets scared, yeah? So just tell him he’s okay.” He feels stupid, like he’s giving instructions to a babysitter. But he feels sick at the idea of no one taking care of Max, or someone not doing it the right way.

There’s a retching sound in the background, then rustling. Daniel can hear Charles saying, “Breathe. Breathe. Alright. Okay.”

“Charles,” Daniel says, urgent. “Tell him I’m coming, okay? Don’t let him get too dehydrated.”

“I don’t–” Charles makes a frustrated sound. “I’ll tell him, but I’m going to hang up. You probably do not want to hear that conversation.”

Daniel winces. “Okay. Yeah. Call me back if he gets worse. Or– call the neurologist, like I said before. If it gets really bad, he needs to go to emergency, I don’t care what he says.”

“Okay. Thank you for helping, Daniel. I will leave the door unlocked.” Charles hangs up. Daniel’s phone makes three irritating little beeps.

It’s going to take way too fucking long for Daniel to get the meds and get to Max. Even ten minutes is too long, but he can’t think of an alternative.

He runs a lot of red lights.

The code to the apartment is still Daniel’s birthday. He knew it would be.

Sassy’s in the doorway, and she stares at him when he walks in before scampering away. He never could make friends with her; she only loves Max. He empathizes.

[otter-pup]

Har me out; being a stubborn omega, always declaring that you don't need any alpha. You can take care of yourself. Even when you go out and see omegas heavily pregnant with their omegas, you push down the feelings of envy. It's just your instincts, who cares?

But one day, your heat hits you, and hits you bad. You had a feeling your instincts would be insufferable, and they usually are during your heats since you're unclaimed, but this time around it's terribly bad. You don't know if it's because of you want these instincts to stop or because of your instincts, but you do remember that you have fertility pills you were keeping for a friend..

You take a few (or a handful, it's hard to remember) and head out, the moon high in the sky. You hard ever head out, always too busy or focusing on school, but it couldn't matter less. Maybe if you just got pregnant with one litter, your instincts would finally stop.

You head to a club, and it's easy to get in, and you couldn't get less about your pheromones at the moment before spotting someone who was obviously an alpha; me. I was far too well kept for being in a club, but you could care less. Your feet move you over to me, and I greet you with a charming smile.

We make brief small talk. I'm here because I was recently promoted high up into my company, especially surprising since I was only a year older than you. I was only here to celebrate, but I could clearly tell what you were here for.

You had dragged me back into one of the rooms the club had (apparently this sort of thing happened often) and just soon enough I was mounting you, my cock pounding away at your cunt. You could hardly remember that night, between how pleasurable it felt, how good it felt to have your instincts finally satisfied, and how rough yet soft I was towards you. I never pushed you farther than you could go. (Another reason why I was such a good alpha for you, your instincts informed you.)

When you awoke, you were dressed and alone in the club room. You were disappointed, but also relieved. No more annoying instincts, but even with being satisfied and telling yourself you wouldn't contact me, you still took the card I left beside you.

And as the days passed, you noticed your belly slowly swelling. You were a bit concerned, and checking the fertility pills confirmed your worries. You had taken way more than you had intended to. Who knows how many pups you were carrying now?

You weren't sure what happened first weeks later. Either your instincts, which had been steadily growing in time, finally consumed you or your lust did, and you called me. I was such a good alpha, you needed me.

I was there in just and hour, to see my poor little omega on his couch, desperately trying to make himself cum, but couldn't because of how large his stomach had gotten. I chuckled as I walked over to you, kissing your stomach before trailing my hand down to your wet cunt.

"Just let your alpha take care of you, my little omega." And that was all you needed to hear to surrender yourself to your instincts completely. And now with your first littered delivered and your stomach heavy with another, you know you made the right choice.

🐺

i wasn't ignorant of my instincts, but i refused to let myself succumb to them - too stubborn to see where that would land me. i stared at every bred omega i saw with buried envy, refusing to admit that i wanted that for myself, too.

until my heat hit.

i had a friend who was actively trying for a litter, but their state hadn't cleared the fertility meds they wanted to try for OTC sale - so i had bought them for them and was keeping them safe until they could make the trip to come get them. except now, with my heat messing with my brain, i fumbled to get the cap off myself, pouring i don't know how many into my palm and swallowing them down. then, i put on my best outfit and headed out.

the club i ended up at was nice - which is how i ended up meeting you, celebrating such a big event. my pheromones were pumping out nonstop, and if i wasnt able to smell them, i would be able to tell from your dilated pupils. it didn't take much after that to get you to one of the breeding rooms in the back - even the nicest clubs know better than to risk the mess of a breeding in the bathroom.

you mount me, and im gone, cumming from nearly everything you do - when you bottom out, when you start thrusting, hard, when you knot me for the first time. you pump me full of cum, and i can still feel it, warm inside me, when i wake up, even with you gone.

my instincts are gone, too, and i'm relieved until my belly starts swelling much faster than i would expect. after a few days, i give in and check the fertility pills, and at least half the bottle is gone.

half the bottle, of a fertility booster with a recommended dosage of one.

fuck.

it still takes a few weeks for me to call you - a few more weeks of growing concerningly big for such a short time frame. but even with the logical concern, my instincts are rearing their head again, telling me im such a good omega for taking such a big litter, such a good omega for my alpha, and it's not long before those instincts have me calling you to tell you - and to beg for you to take care of me again.

the hour between the phonecall and your arrival is torture. i can't reach my cunt anymore, my belly in the way even after just a few weeks. you're quick to approach, lips pressing against my belly before your hand presses against my cunt.

let your alpha take care of you, my little omega. that's all it takes for my mind to break, spreading my legs even wider for you as you take me again, soothing my raging hormones and breeding me like you could knock me up again. and months later, when i've given birth to that first litter and you've dosed me with excess fertility meds again, you do get to knock me up again - and i couldn't be happier.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

Mimi

Y o u ‘ r e a M A C H I N E

Pumping these bangers after bangers!!… You’re gunna need a whole Dewey Decimal system for all these masterpieces!! Your expressiveness and emotions inspire me, it’s contagious.

I’m gunna have to ask for mah Murdertoothpick Danger noodle of a nope rope , Crosshair.

I was absolutely FLOORED at the fics you’ve been spewing out.

So IF you would be ever so kind to indulge me or yourself —I present to you with a “choose your own dealer’s choice”

(Crosshair x F!Medic) or you can insert my OC

(Kave) 🦊 whatever strikes you right.

Any combinations of these:

18. “You shouldn’t be out here by yourself.”

38. “You dumbass. Don’t do that. Ever agian. “

20. “I can’t leave you alone for one second without hurting yourself, can I?”

36. “How many fingers am I holding up?…I don’t have six fingers.”

44. “Do as I say not as I do. For real though, You don’t want to do what I do. I don’t want to do what I do.”

2. “I will always be there for you.”

Your choice I give you free range — you can make it hurt so good or bad / or add some whump or fluff / add as much drama as you desire…where ever in the timeline — The floor is yours Queen!❤️❤️❤️

@kavecika What a fantastic request, especially for my 20th request. I loved it. I did end up using your OC, so I hope I did Kave justice.

So I hope you enjoy what I came up with, love oo.

Promise

Warning: Medical injuries (somewhat graphic), burns, medical procedures, angst, hurt, comfort, kiss, fear of medical staff, feelings of being alone, I think that's it. If I miss any, please let me know.

Main Master List   |  Star Wars Fic Roulette

Crosshair sat in the medbay waiting for Kave to show up, after everything, after having his brothers abandon him for a kid, after having them nearly cook him alive, after them walking away, the one thing he could actually count on was Kave. 

She was the only bright spot left in his life. 

“I can’t leave you alone for one second without you hurting yourself, can I?” She giggled as she walked in seeing him injured. She knew better than trying to coddle him, or worry about him to an extreme. She’d be able to do that in the privacy of their quarters later on that night. 

He only let out a strained chortle as the pain meds were slowly ebbing away.

“Okay, my beautiful murdertoothpick, I’m gonna have to take this bandages off, and see the extent of the damage, okay?”

He nodded, not able to find the strength to answer her.

“Pain meds wearing off?”

Nod.

“Okay, sweetie… hold on.” Kave reached over and grabbed another pain med, using the hyperspray and injecting it into his arm, “There you, sweetie. You’ll start feeling better soon. Just calming breaths. Okay. Use your sniper breathing for me.”

Nod. He tried his best to calm his breathing imagining he was lining up a target.

“Okay, here we go.” She slowly cut away the gauze, careful not to pull too quickly. Biting back the tears and worries she felt for the pain and injury he sustained. His hair was burned away, his skin bubbled and melted away from the heat. Some of it came off on the gauze she peeled away. She wanted to press a kiss to his lips, to hold him close to take away his pain. However, she needed to remain professional. 

“Alright, I’m going to need you to open your eyes for me, I’m going to pull away the eyepatch and then we’re going to test to see how much damage there is, okay?”

Nod.

She took in a deep breath, and prepared herself for what she’d find under the patch. She let out a sigh of relief that the damage wasn’t too bad. The eye was red, a little inflamed, which was understandable. The pupil was reacting to the light, which was fantastic. His eyes were tearing up as tears slid down his cheek. 

“Okay, How many fingers am I holding up?”

Crosshair took a second, his vision was blurred, and somewhat fogging from the tears forming. He couldn’t stop blinking for a while, “Um … six.”

Kave looked from him to her fingers, “Okay, well first, I don't have six fingers. I’m going to try and wash out your eye again. I know the medics on site already did that, but I’m trying again okay.”

“Yeah.”

After Kave dealt with the injured, she covered and protected it with a cool compress. Once she finished with his eye, she moved on to the more serious injury, she’d need to put bacta on the injury and keep him in the med bay for the next two days. To keep reapplying the treatment. She wasn’t looking forward to the argument that was about to ensue, she dismissed everyone from the room, leaving her and Cross alone. 

“Sweetheart, I’m going to need to keep you here for at least two days.”

“No.”

“Cross…”

“I said NO!”

She let out a sigh, “Baby,” she hated using that term but it was the only one that usually calmed him down enough to listen to her, “you need a sterile environment. This is your health, please, for me.” He was about ready to start arguing again, she held his hand and pressed it against her chest, “Listen to me, please. I’ll set you up in the ICU room, it’ll just be the two of us. No one else. I know you hate the med bay. I know you hate being poked and prodded, but I’ll be the only one taking care of you. I’ll treat you every time, and won’t let anyone else in. I’ll protect you and care for you. So please, for me… listen to me and stay here.”

Cross let out a trembling breath, he hated the med bay, he hated the memories that came from the training he and his brothers underwent when they were children… he hated that his brothers weren’t here anymore to stay with him. He hated that Wrecker wasn’t here to stay by his side when he got scared. He hated that Hunter wasn’t here to fight with him, to make him feel he had a brother. He hated that he couldn’t hear Tech’s hum in understanding as he read some new fact or understood some new principle or formula. He hated that he was alone. 

He squeezed her hand, “You promise?”

“I promise,” she pressed a kiss to his knuckles, “it’ll just be me and you. You know, I will always be there for you."

He nodded, “Okay. I’ll stay here for two days…”

“At least.”

“At least.”

“Thank you, my beautiful murdertoothpick.”

He let out a huff, “You know I hate that nickname.”

“No, you don’t,” she smirked. 

A small smile creeped onto his lips, “No. I don’t.”

Main Master List   |  Star Wars Fic Roulette

Tag list:

@liadamerondjarin @badbatch-simp24@spicymcnuggies@lady-ren @firstofficerwiggles @darkangel4121 @discofern @kavecika @monako-jinn-stories @ladykatakuri @avathebestx @theroguesully @furyhellfire66 @carodealmeida @ciramaris @sprout-fics @twinkofthedink @dindjarin-mandalorian @ulchabhangorm @littlemisspascal @tortor-mcgee @vodika-vibes @clonethirstingisreal

[lullabiesofalovesickangel]

i feel like all of my friends hate me, that no matter what i do i will always be the annoying one or the one that ppl want to make go away

i feel like everyone around me just wants me to suffer bcuz i dont do anything to help

i feel like a burden && no amount of reassurance rlly stops those thoughts when i get like this, bcuz ik that theres ppl that see me as a burden && wont tell me. ppl just lie to me ab all of this stuff

i feel like it would be so much easier for those around me if i just stopped being around bcuz i wouldnt be another mouth to feed, i wouldnt be taking so much && not being able to give back even if im unable to get a job

i feel like ppl will always see me as the annoying one that they hate sm but wont say they do bcuz they dont want to deal w me more than what they alr do

i dont believe ppl actually love me unless i can provide smth in turn && im struggling to do anything for myself let alone take care of pets too. i feel like if im not smth to use, or a stupid fucking doll or toy, then im worthless. if im not useful im not wanted

i rlly want it all to stop, sometimes it feels like i rlly would be better off dead so everyone else wouldnt have to deal w me && so they could freely talk shit ab me w/o me knowing that there's resentment ab me

im tired of living but if i even bring it up to others in the house, i have to console them or feel like i have no choice but to admit myself somewhere like thats actually going to help

i rlly am good for nothing when i cant do anything or provide money for a household that took me in, i just cause issues && make it ab me

im a shit person && ik that but idk how to combat that, i want to be perfect but it feels like i will always be reaching bcuz my best is always less than

i hate living but i also feel so guilty for feeling the way i do bcuz ik i have someone that loves me so much more than my brain will tell me but it feels like im failing them bcuz theyre going thru things && it's being ab me again

im not trying to make it ab me either bcuz i want them to be able to focus on themselves i just dont have anywhere to turn to bcuz im half expecting to not be put on meds or they not help the second i get them

&& ik some ppl will see how i feel && tell me im just guilt tripping && manipulating ppl around me so they have to feel bad for me && that just makes it sm worse, bcuz then i have to deal w the guilt that the way i can get my emotions out on smth personal is just me being an abusive asshole regardless of my struggles

idk what to do anymore

[harrywavycurly]

I could use some comfort and was seeing if I could get something with life with steddie? Thank you Sarah 💓

Hiii babes!! I hope these conversations bring you some comfort!!💖

-find all things Life with Steve and Eddie here✨

“What the fuck is all this for Harrington?” “She called us because she’s stressed and…baths are..relaxing or whatever.” “So this is all for…a bath? This looks like salt Steve…did you just grab this from your kitchen this morning?” “They are bath salts you idiot…what did you bring for her?” “Chocolate.” “Chocolate? That’s it?” “Yeah? I’m also going to offer one of my world famous-” “foot massages? So candy and a foot rub?” “Yeah she loves candy and who doesn’t like their feet rubbed?” “Let’s just get over there and help her feel better…stop eating the fucking candy you asshole.” “Relax Stevie…I packed extra for us.” “Smart thinking…”

“What do you need from us?” “Yeah do you need? Maybe some cuddles?” “Want Eddie to read to you in those stupid voices he does?” “Stupid? You said you loved my hobbit voices…” “focus Munson…now what’s wrong?” “I’m just…having a bad day.” “Well scoot over princess…a bad day calls for some trashy television and some cuddles.” “Can I get some popcorn to go with these cuddles and trashy tv?” “Of course…you heard her Steve go make us some popcorn.” “You’re so annoying…but fine…I’m not gonna be stuck being the little spoon again am I?” “If you hurry I’ll let you be the big spoon…”

“So…what color goes best with my hair? I’m thinking green.” “Green? Why would green go good with your hair Munson?” “I’m not asking you Steven…I’m asking her…I trust her opinion.” “I think green is…a choice…not a bad one but also not…a good one.” “What does that even mean?” “Don’t be rude Eddie this is her beauty shop just…let her pick your nail color.” “Right…sorry so uhm…what color for my hands?” “Will you let me do black with silver glitter?” “Okay…but then what color for my toes?” “They have to match…duh.” “Don’t duh me Harrington sometimes they don’t have to match.” “They always have to match Munson don’t be dumb.” “How about green for the toes since you clearly like it.” “Okay…with or without glitter?” “Always with glitter.” “Finally…you and I agree on something Stevie!” “Stop calling me that…”

“Did she call you too?” “No I’m just here at two in the morning because I wanted to see how her house looked in the moonlight.” “A simple no would’ve been fine Eddie…you’re always so dramatic.” “What did she tell you on the phone?” “That she couldn’t sleep and wanted to have a wine and magazine party?” “She’s been watching Bridesmaids too much…she told me she couldn’t sleep and wanted lemonade….I think she’s high off her sleep meds.” “High?…off her sleep meds?” “Yeah Steve it makes you all fucked up if you take it don’t actually fall asleep…she must’ve sleep called us or something.” “So..are we going in or….not?” “Yes but just be prepared for some wacky shit to come out of her mouth okay? Just ignore it and we’ll put her to bed.” “Okay…” “Eddie! Steve! Just in time for the pool party!” “Yeah yeah..pool party…Eddie she doesn’t have a fucking pool…” “Just go with it…soooo sweetheart wanna show me the outfit you picked for the party?” “Yes yes come on let me show you it’s in my room.” “Oh wow…this bed is so…soft come feel how soft this bed is Munson.” “Soft? Let me feel!” “Yeah go ahead…soft isn’t it? Makes you wanna just…climb in it huh?…isn’t it nice Eddie?” “Yeah it’s very soft Steve…isn’t it princess?” “It’s…very…soft…soft.” “She’s repeating things…is that normal?” “Yeah look she’s-” “I’m gonna miss the party…” “that’s okay we can have it another day.” “Another day…yeah…another day.” “Sweet dreams…let’s go Steve she’s gonna sleep for a while.” “Okay…maybe we should sleep over just in case she sleep walks and tries to swim in the bathtub or something?” “If you wanna have a sleepover Stevie then just ask.” “Why am I friends with you?”

[mamawasatesttube]

“I know, I know, I’m stuck with you. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” please!

"Thanks for coming on such short notice." Dick both looks and sounds harried, Bat-comm in hand as he ushers Kon in from the balcony. "I'll try to be back as soon as I can, but you never know with Arkham breakouts—also, there's some leftover chicken soup in the fridge, if he can keep that down it'll be great, and—yes, B, I'm on my way, I heard you the first seventeen times—sorry, Conner, it's a bit hectic, but—"

"Hey, man." Kon gives him a reassuring thumbs-up. "I got this. You go do your thing and let me wrangle the poor sickly scrunkle, yeah?"

Dick pauses on one leg, one shoe on, the other in hand. "The scrunkle?"

"Tim," Kon clarifies. "You know, 'cuz he's scrunkly."

"...I see," Dick says, not sounding like he particularly sees at all. But there's no time to explain; he flashes a quick grin, fires off a two-fingered salute, and calls one more "Thanks again!", and then he's gone.

Kon cocks his head and waits.

After seventeen seconds, the jingle bell he stuck to the outside of Dick's bedroom windowframe on his way in chimes, and he snorts to himself as he superspeeds right on over to the fire escape outside.

"Predictable, Rob," he says, lounging midair. Tim, staring at the bell in his hand with great prejudice, scowls; the effect is rather ruined by his adorable hot pink bird-printed pajamas. "You definitely have a fever if you fell for that one."

Tim folds his arms over his chest and glares at him. Coughs. Glares some more. "I don't need a"—cough, cough—"babysitter. I'm not that sick. Dick's just fussing."

Kon eases himself back in through the window, closes it against the night air, and presses his lips to Tim's forehead, ignoring the way Tim splutters. He's cute when he gets grumpy. "Mmm, well, that certainly feels like a high fever to me!"

"It's only a hundred and one," Tim mutters. And coughs again. Christ on a bike, he really sounds like death warmed over. The red flush to ohis face really isn't helping things, either.

Also. Christ on a bike? Really? Sheesh, Kon's spending too much time with Ma's friends on Bingo Sundays.

"Mm, yeah, so we're getting you back in bed," Kon informs him, and plucks him off the ground, sets him on his hip like the world's most disgruntled toddler, and carries him back over to Dick's bed, where he's clearly been being fussed over already, if the box of tissues, empty mugs, and cough drops are anything to go by.

"I'm not that sick!" Tim protests. Kon sees right through him, though; his wiggles of dissent are weaker than usual. "I can help. You heard Dick earlier, it's all hands on deck—"

"Which is why, if things get particularly dire, Dick already said he'll call me in," Kon says, and draws the blankets up over Tim's chest. "Seriously, Rob. The others have it in hand. And I," he grins, cupping Tim's face in his palms, "have you in hand."

Tim favors him with a very flat look, followed by a very pathetic sniffle. Oh, jeez, Kon wants to bundle him up and feed him soup and fuss over him forever. "Ha ha."

"I know, I'm hilarious." Kon squishes his cheeks before letting go. "Now, I'm gonna go get you some soup and your next dose of meds, and you're gonna stay right here in bed and not try any more escape attempts because you know I'm gonna catch you and bring you right back. And we are gonna watch your choice of 'Wendy', 'Star Trek', 'Star Wars', or 'Lord of the Rings', until you inevitably knock the fuck out because you are sick as hell, dude, and I do not mean in the Tony Hawk way. Got it?"

Tim heaves a weary, put-upon sigh that just sends him into another coughing fit; it sounds rough and scratchy and painful just to hear, and Kon winces in sympathy, leaning over to rub his back. Aw, Tim...

"I guess I can live with that," Tim rasps, his eyes watering. Kon is seized by the urge to kiss his forehead again, properly this time; he wants to take care of him so bad.

"Good! 'Cuz you don't get a choice." Kon gently ruffles his hair, eases him back against his pillows, and then tuts softly to himself and strokes the hair back from Tim's sweaty forehead. His poor Rob...

"Yeah, I know, I know. I'm stuck with you." Tim sighs again, closing his eyes. After a moment, though, he smiles ever-so-slightly, his eyelashes dark against his pale cheeks. "...I wouldn't have it any other way."

That's gotta be the fever talking—it's true, and Kon knows it's true, but Tim wouldn't just say it like that—but it makes Kon's heart flutter all the same.

He leans down and kisses Tim's forehead before he can lose his resolve. "Right back at'cha, Rob," he says, smiling. "Now lemme go get you your soup."

"Good luck," Tim mumbles, opening his eyes just slightly. "Don't fall in, have fun, et cetera..."

Kon laughs. "Will do," he says, and stands to leave.

(It's not until he's waiting in front of the microwave that he realizes: since the moment he left Tim's side, he's been—quite literally—walking on air.)

50 Prompts About Devotion

[thatssonanii]

Chapter Four

Warnings: Cursing, 18+, excuse any typos

Author's Note: I'm glad yall are enjoying it so far. Thank you for the asks you're sending in. Don't forget to interact and share the poets as well, that helps me a lot with all of this! Tell me what yall think of the addition of the texts. Also any gifs I use belongs to @annoyedkayah2395 ! I forgot to say that before but they're all made by her! My favorite gif maker! Enjoy!

Masterlist

Chapter 3

For the morning and most of the afternoon Jon and Trinity kept the couple apart trying to get unfurnished out of both of them. The only way they were going to be able to help the way they agreed to was to do so. The mystery behind Nadine's attitude towards Zilla plagued them and from the outside looking in, the married couple knew not trying to figure it out would be detrimental to the young couple's relationship. While Jon and Zilla played the game in his man cave, Trinity and Moriah were sitting on the floor in her vanity room going through her wigs. 

"Have you talked to your mom since Zilla said what he said?" 

Moriah shook her head as she brushed through a hot pink wig. "Nope, I'm sure she's not happy. She was already mad that I hadn't called her in three months but I just couldn't."

"Couldn't what?" Trinity asked picking up a wig to brush. 

She shrugged haphazardly. "I couldn't deal with her. On top of the stress of starting my job, Zilla's training and maintaining our relationship, I couldn't deal with the smart shit she says and the jabs she throws. The only reason I even called her was because Zilla said something."

"How does it make you feel when she says something about your relationship or Zilla?"

"It pisses me off, it always has. I hate it."

Trinity nodded. 

"Did it stop during the eight years he was gone?"

She scoffed, "No, it just wasn't as frequent. I was mad at him but that didn't mean that she could say the shit she was saying, you know? When I was a freshman in college was when it started to taper off a little."

"Cause you were away at college?"

"Nope. Cause I started dating this guy," Moriah explained softly, "But once she found out that he was a pre-med and that he came from money, it picked back up. About how he was such a better choice and could do this and that for me."

Trinity raised her brows and shook her head. "Did that hurt your relationship with him?"

"Eventually. We were together two years too long."

"What happened?"

"We went to Georgia for Christmas break because I missed my dad, I talked my mom into going and that was a bad idea." She chuckled. "The whole time she was telling my dad how great Thomas was and all that other crap. And I remember seeing my dad looking at him with this hard face, when I looked at Thomas I realized why."

"What happened?"

"It was because he had this big ass grin on his face like he was enjoying being talked to at the expense of someone else. At some point, him and my dad were able to talk and it made my dad like him even less. Christmas morning he kept alluding to asking me to marry him, my dad flat out said no."

"He clearly wasn't a good person but I'm sorry that was your mom's fault. She made him feel like that was okay."

"You're right but he was also really arrogant, he just hid it well majority of our relationship."

"So what happened? Did he propose anyway?" Trinity asked switching out wigs.

"After my dad said no, my mom stepped in to say her peace and my dad asked me what I wanted to do. Told them that I wasn't ready to get married, I was barely 20."

"You weren't ready or you didn't wanna marry that specific person?" She asked with a brow raised making Moriah laugh. 

"Both," she said quickly, "And my parents knew that, my mother was pissed. Then he made this big scene saying how I was stupid for even thinking about Zilla, he called him something else, and for thinking that I would have a good life with a felon. My mother of course agreed, telling me not to ruin my life."

"The nerve. He showed his true colors then."

"Yeah so my dad kicked him out right then, after he left my dad and mom argued. About what, I'm not really sure. I went to my room to call Ma and tell her Merry Christmas."

"That's sweet that you and her talked while he was gone." Trinity cooed passing a satin wig bag to her. "It sounds like your parents were on two different levels. Were they always like that?"

Moriah carefully placed the wig into the bag then at back on her hands. "Yes and no. From what I remember when they were married, they were happy but my dad bit his tongue a lot for her except when it came to me."

"Yeah? How long were they married?"

"Uuuh they got married like three years before I was born and got divorced a little bit after my eleventh birthday so fourteen years. A long time."

"Damn, why did they divorce?"

She shrugged. "All I know is my dad left his job at the time for his dream job and we were gonna have to move to Georgia and then I went from crying cause I was gonna have to leave Texas and Zilla to crying cause my dad was gonna have to leave me."

"Were they acting any different beforehand?"

"My mom was. She was so mean especially to my dad. That was when she started to vocalize to Ma that she didn't like Zilla or us being friends. Before it was just in the house, she'd tell my dad and me and occasionally say it while she knew he was in the house."

Trinity frowned, "She was taking her divorce out on yall?"

"I don't think so, I don't know really honestly."

"So let's talk about something that you do know," Trinity suggested with a small smile, "You gotta set boundaries with your mom, Rye."

She sighed sadly. "I try but she doesn't care. She tells me to stop being dramatic or stop being a baby."

"If she can't respect your boundaries then you need to have consequences. She's your mom but she doesn't get to disrespect you or your relationship." Trinity explained, maintaining eye contact. "You love him, don't you?"

"Of course."

"You wanna stay together?"

Moriah nodded. 

"Then you need to do what you need to do. If you don't, you're gonna let her ruin your relationship."

"Yeah … I know. I gotta figure something out."

Down in Jon's mancave, the men were playing Tekken 7 having conversation here and there outside of the trash talking. Between the married couple, Trinity had a much better way with words and getting information slyly while her husband lacks that certain skill.

"You been talkin to your woman?" Jon asked keeping his eyes on the screen, pressing buttons. 

Zilla glanced at him a few times out the corner of his eyes, making sure not to let his character to beat. "Huh?"

"Have you been talkin to Rye?"

"Uuh I live with her, I talk to her every day."

Jon sucked his teeth. "I mean about yo feelings, Uce. You letting her know if you good or if you're not good?"

Humming, Zilla focused back on the game. That was the same question his mom asked him damn near every day. He wouldn't say it out loud but he was tired of that question. 

"She know I'm good."

"That mean no," Jon laughed, "That's ya woman, man. You don't have to hide shit from her. Especially when she already know when you not good."

He shook his head. "Nah, she don't. I'm good."

"Sayin that don't make it true," Jon reminded him putting his focus back into the game for a moment to make sure he didn't lose the round, "Tell me this. After you zone out and you get ya bearings back, is she watching you or staring?"

"I mean yeah but her ass always starin a hole in my face."

"Okay, does she have the usual look in her eyes or is it different?"

"Ion know," he shrugged, "Different."

"Okay so she know, I'm telling you. Yall known each other long enough that she know when you not okay and you know when she not okay. What's the point of having her if you can't talk to her?"

"I can talk to her, I just don't want to. Therapy was enough talkin, ion wanna talk about it no more." He responded honestly. 

Jon paused the game to turn to his cousin. "I know you don't want to but it's good to talk about it. That shit gon start coming out in other ways that won't be good for you or your relationship."

Zilla sat back on the sofa, inhaling and exhaling deeply. "Ion wanna make her sad with my sad shit. Especially when she gotta deal with her weird ass mama."

"Do you care if she tells you her sad shit?"

"No," he answered quickly. 

"So why you think she care of you tell her your sad shit?"

He shrugged. "Don't know. Shit hard."

"I know but it's worth it. Start small then grow, you'll feel better. I'm telling you."

"I hear you."

"Yall got a six hour drive back, use some of that time to start."

The phone call with his ex-wife still fresh on his mind Hassan decided to reach out to someone he knew would understand his feelings and thoughts. He would always love Nadine but her actions would always have a wedge between them. He sat in his den with the football game on mute and the phone call on speaker.

"Did our children call you to be a referee?"

Hassan laughed loudly, "Nope, that is a job meant solely for you. Neither of them ever like my referee style. How are you, Leata?"

"I'm pretty good. How about you?"

"I uuuh," he thought rubbing through his beard, "I'm alright. Didi called me yesterday."

Leata laughed, "I'm sure that was fun. What is it about my son this time?"

"It was them both apparently," he chuckled, "Rye hasn't called her in three months and as a thank you Zilla told her about them getting busy on the sofa."

Unable to help herself, Leata laughed loudly into the phone. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know he shouldn't have but I'll be dammed if she didn't bring it in herself."

He laughed, "My thoughts exactly. But apparently that conversation gave her the urge to check on our babygirl. Although it's obvious that he's taken very good care of her."

She snorted. "That's obvious. She's going to visit them?"

"Ha! You know she's not going right now. She's wanting me to go."

"Awwee and you're gonna do it for your dear Didi," Leata joked. 

"Negative," he answered jokingly, "I told her I would but I was already planning on going down there. I was calling to see when you were gonna visit."

"I'm not sure, I didn't wanna crowd them. Plus I was kind of hoping they'd come back for Thanksgiving or Christmas."

He hummed thinking, "Well Thanksgiving is next month so maybe they will. I can't wait that long or Didi will be up my ass. I'll probably go in the next couple weeks."

"She won't," she laughed, "She's too busy up Rye and Zilla's ass but okay. If they don't come for Thanksgiving, I'll probably go down there. If you wanna come down."

"That's no problem. Make sure you invite our favorite person."

Leata whistled. "Favorite is generous but of course. Moriah would never hear the end of it."

"Right. We'll talk soon. Call if you or our kids needs anything."

"Same to you, Hassan. Make sure you check on your Didi."

While Hassan and Leata spoke, Nadine was making a phone call of her own. She had spent most of the day before into the night doing searching until she found what she was looking for. The conversation with Zilla burned her up on the inside, he had beat her at her own game momentarily. 

A deep baritone voice flowed through the line. "Hello."

"Well, well, Dr. Gardner. How are you?" 

"I'm not doctor yet but I'm well. Who is this?" 

"Nadine Parker. It's been a little while, Thomas. How's medical school?"

"Oh yes ma'am. It's been pretty good. How have you been? How's Moriah?"

Nadine smiled hearing his question. "I'm good. Moriah is fine, she moved out to Florida. She's working at Lakeland General now in the emergency department."

"Is she really?" He asked excitedly. "I'm in pediatrics there."

Nadine feigned surprise. "You do? Such a small world."

"I'll have to go down and see her. Is she single?"

Nadine groaned softly, "Unfortunately, she's not but I'm sure seeing you would make her come to her senses."

"Who is she's dating? Is he competition?"

She scoffed and laughed. "God, no. The jail bird could never compete with a doctor, son."

"Future doctor," he chuckled, "But noted. Do you when she works next?"

"Tomorrow, 7am to 7pm."

"Great, I'll be there tomorrow. Is she really with that felon?" He asked with a hint of laughter. 

"Unfortunately she is. He's the one who moved her to Florida to wrestle of all things," she spat. "But it works out because you're there and you can show her the mistake she's made."

Thomas snorted, "Wrestling? I definitely have nothing to worry about, they drop like flies anyway. Thank you for calling me."

"Oh no, thank you, Thomas. You're saving my baby. Save my number and keep me updated."

"Yes ma'am. Have a good day."

"You too, son."

Happy with herself, Nadine did a little dance as she typed out a message to her daughter. The sun was going to start shining for her soon, all she had to do was be patient. Though she would have to suffer for a little bit longer, it would all be worth it to be rid of the man in her daughter's life. 

Moriah's phone went off as they were leaving Jon and Trinity's neighborhood. The rest of their time visiting was spent with all four of them together, talking and playing. Their lives aren't bad in Orlando at all but it felt good to be with family for a few days as that's what they were used to. 

"What's wrong?" Zilla asked seeing the frown on her face.

She shook her head. "Nothing, my mom texted me but it's weird."

"Weird how, Fat?"

"Ima read it to you," she responded still confused, "I love you guys. You both are gonna have an amazing day tomorrow. Call me after work, sweetheart."

It was Zilla's turn to frown. "That don't sound like Ms. Nadine. She either high, in distress or plottin."

"Exactly and knowing my mama, she's plotting." Moriah sat quietly thinking then groaned. "You don't think she's gonna pop up, do you? I'm not prepared for that."

He shrugged, "Ion know but if she does she can have the bedroom and we'll take the sofa."

Moriah pushed his shoulder, laughing. "Whatever you're about to say or thinking, just don't."

He laughed. "I wasn't gon say shit but I'm glad you and me on the same page. She better stay in the room if she don't wanna see Zilla and Fat gettin busy."

"Isayah Fatu! If she's in town, you're not getting any."

"Bullshit," he laughed, "If that makes you feel good to say but I know the truth, Fat."

"And what is the truth?"

Zilla looked at her from the road, a wide smile on her face. "Don't act like you don't know. Them nights that you stayed at home instead of with me, what happened most of the time?"

"Don't know what you're talking about, Fatu," she answered trying to keep her laugh in. 

"You don't remember texting and calling me to come over after she went to sleep?"

"Nope, I didn't do that."

He laughed, "Oh you didn't? So you ain't call me poutin when I would tell you no? And I guess it wasn't you that sent me them videos either?"

She shook her head starting to laugh. "Nope, nope and nope. Wasn't me."

"You sure? I still got the videos," he grabbed for his phone and she snatched it laughing. 

"Don't do that. I did not have sex with you in her house."

"You ain't sex with me in her house? Oh right cause I fucked you in her house. Got it." 

Moriah covered her face laughing. "Fuckin hate you. You didn't have to say that. Filthy ass mouth."

"And you love it too. Don't you?" He asked in a lower tone. 

She stared at the side of face. "I'm not doing this with you."

He put a hand on her bare thigh as he drove, squeezing. "Tell me you love it, Fat. Come on."

Looking between his hand and his face, Moriah scrunched her face playfully. "Fine, yes, I love it."

He hummed, "You love what?"

"Zay, no."

"Ima leave you alone when you tell me what I wanna hear."

She huffed softly, squirming in her seat. "I love your filthy ass mouth," she mumbled.

Smacking her thigh, he moved his hand back to the steering wheel, a smirk on his face. "That's my girl."

"You are a demon. Just 100% pure demon."

"Yeah and you like that shit too," he laughed. 

The couple rode quietly for the next couple hours with Moriah going in and out of sleep. As he drove, Zilla thought about the conversation he had with Jon and tried to work out how to start the conversation. 

"You have like a date or anything yet?"

"For my debut?" He paused got her answer. "Not yet. I got a meeting with Shawn tomorrow I think it is too talk about all that."

"Let me know so I can make sure I'm off and so I can make sure your family is there cause you'll forget."

He chuckled a bit. "Appreciate you."

"Are you excited?"

"Yeah but it's kinda fucking me up though."

Moriah listened quietly, giving her all of her attention. 

"I'm excited but kinda sad too. My pops ain't ever missed nothin so I still expect him to be there," he explained keeping his eyes on the road, "And when I don't see him in the crowd or wherever I am, that shit gets me."

"Baby," she pouted as she reached over to rub the back of his neck, "He's not there physically but he's always there. You remember those pictures from your first match? The photographer was complaining and worried cause he thought you were gonna hate the pictures."

"Was he? Why? The pictures was dope." He asked glancing quickly at her. 

"Yeah, because no matter what angle or where he moved that bright light was in every single picture." She laughed a little. "And when he was talking to me and your mom about it, your mom looked at the pictures, looked at him and was like it's just his dad, don't worry. So nonchalantly and she laughed with me saying how he was determined to be in your pictures."

Hearing that made him feel somewhat better, he remembered looking at the pictures thinking that same thing about the light but kept it to himself. Knowing that they thought the same thing let him know that he wasn't just trying to make that true. 

"Damn," he smiled, "That's crazy. Sound like em though."

"It does. I know that you're still gonna scan the crowd for him, just know that he'll be there and he'll let you know. Hopefully it won't be a bright ass light all the time," she joked, "But either way, he's gonna show up for his baby boy."

He grabbed her hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss it then locked their fingers. "Thank you, Fat. I needed to hear that."

"Don't thank me for that, it's what I'm here for. I'm good for more than just cooking for you and getting busy, you know."

He laughed heartily, "Noted, baby. Ima remember that."

After dropping Moriah at the hospital the next morning, Zilla went to the Performance Center instead of going home for a couple hours. Hardly anyone was there that time of morning which meant less people for him to talk to and more time to get a workout in. While he was walking on the treadmill, he felt a hand on his back and stopped the machine immediately. He snatched his headphones off then turned around with a dial on his face. 

"My bad, man. I ain't mean no harm. Just wanted to come speak, that's all." The man explained. "Trick. Good to meet you."

Zilla nodded wiping his face with his towel. "Shit, you good. Nice to meet you too. Zilla."

Trick smiled a little, "You already know I know who you are. Ain't no need in acting like that, man."

He shrugged modestly. "I appreciate that but I'm just me, just Zilla."

"Whether you Zilla or just Zilla, we know you are and you better know that shit too. Especially around here."

Zilla squinted at his words. "What that mean?"

"Some of these people around here vicious is all I'm sayin."

"Mmm, I hear you."

"Listen I know we just met and you have no reason to believe me but I'm bein sincere," Trick told him sincerely, "Me and Melo dealt with it, shit a lotta good people went through it. Just tryna look out for you. From one man to another."

Zilla nodded, he was unsure about Trick and his words. They sounded sincere enough but in this world he could never be too sure. 

"I gotta get to a meeting so ima move around." 

Not waiting for a response, Zilla went to the locker room to change before his meeting and thirty minutes later he was sitting across from Shawn Michaels. 

"I won't keep you long, I know you have stuff to do around here but we need to talk debut for a second. I like to involve talent in their storyline and for them to be comfortable with what they're doing," he explained clasping his hands, "When you're comfortable the work is times better. Understand?"

"Yes sir, I got you."

"Alright so that being said we were thinking the last week of November. Gives us all enough time to work things out. Does that sound good to you or do you need more time?"

"Nah, that's good. I can do that."

"We think you'd work great as heel unless you think face is something you wanna try," Shawn paused, "Booker thinks highly of you as heel though."

Zilla shook his head, "Heel. I like being heel. It's fun for me bein like that."

Shawn nodded, writing a few things down. "Alright, heel it is. I'm gonna get with Hunter and Paul to come up with a little something for you but we also want you to come up with something too to bring to us. All of our resources are open to you, talk to your cousins I'm sure they'll help you out. I can put you in touch with some other guys that wouldn't mind helping you either."

He nodded thinking it over. "Alright, I'll let you know if I need em."

"You have a week before you meet with myself, Paul and Hunter. So don't wait too long."

"What's wrong, baby? They said it was an emergency. Are you hurt?" 

As soon as the charge nurse told Moriah it was an important phone call from Zilla, her heart was in her throat. The few feet to the phone felt like miles because her mind had automatically went to the worst. 

"Nothin wrong, I'm not hurt, Fat. Breathe, baby." He assured calmly. 

"Toni said you said it was an emergency. What is it?" She asked still stressing. 

He chuckled, "Its a emergency but not a bad one. I promise."

"Zay," she sighed trying to calm herself and her nerves "Don't scare me like that."

"My bad, baby. She just wasn't tryna give you the phone and I needed to talk to my baby. It's important."

She exhaled on a chuckle. "Start talking and hurry up, fool."

"Zilla got his debut date, baby!"

Moriah squealed alerting few of the doctors and nurses around her including Toni. She whispered an apology. 

"When? When? I'm gonna take off for it right now."

"Tuesday after Thanksgiving! They gon keep me heel too."

Moriah teared up a little but quickly wiped her tears away. "I'll be there in the front row with my sign. I'm happy for you, Zay."

"That make me feel good. Thank you, Fat."

"You're welcome. I'm taking you out to celebrate my first day off. Somewhere special." She said softly. 

He chuckled. "Word? I'm lookin forward to it."

"Good but I gotta go. I'll see you when you get here and do not block the door again."

"You need curbside service though," he laughed, "Don't work too hard. Zilla love you."

"Moriah loves you more, Zilla."

After she hung up, Toni came to stand to her left with a knowing smile on her face. Toni had been extremely welcoming to her and friendly since her first day. She was older than Moriah but it didn't bother them. 

"From the squealing and the smile on your face, am I to assume that there was nothing wrong?" She asked in a hushed tone. 

Moriah giggled. "Maybe."

"Uhuh so what did Mr. Man want? Did he interrupt my ED to say he was thinking about you?" She joked. 

"Noo," Moriah sung out, "He got some good news and wants to share it with his baby."

"What was it?"

Moriah smirked playfully. "I would tell you but don't wanna interrupt your ED even more." 

"You're on my list, DeBreaux."

Moriah laughed going towards the room, she heard her name being called. 

After her shift, Moriah gathered her things then went to the nurses station to talk to Toni. She was wasting time since Zilla was running a few minutes behind. She didn't mind as she knew he spent a little more time at the PC to talk to Booker.

"What are you getting into tonight?" 

"Nothing at all since I gotta be back here in the morning. Pick dinner up, eat, and fall asleep to whatever movie we pick out." Moriah laughed. 

Toni rolled her eyes playfully. "You are such a old woman. Why don't you and Mr. Man go out?"

She shook her head. "Cause I know he's tired from training plus he's grumpy when he's tired."

"He grumpy or you're grumpy?"

"Who's side are you on?" She asked jokingly. "We are gonna go out when I'm off though. Gonna take my man on a date."

"Ooooh a date, huh? Should I get the pregnancy tests ready?"

"Absolutely not ma'am. No babies, not right now. But what you can do is go ahead and approve my day off."

"It's not even November yet, Moriah," she laughed, "Hell, we ain't even hit October yet."

Moriah pouted at her. "It'll be October in a few days but pleeeease. I wanna make sure I'm off and I'm there. Oooh I got an idea."

Toni folded her arms, laughing at her younger coworker. "What's your plan?"

"You should take off too and come with me."

"To a wrestling show? No ma'am plus I'm not gonna be in town." Toni laughed at her pout. "Dr. Miller coming in hot."

Before Moriah could say anything, Dr. Miller was standing right next to her prompting her to take a step over. She smiled politely. 

"You heading out, Moriah?"

She looked at her bag and purse,  making Toni laugh softly, then back at the doctor. "Yup, I am."

He laughed a little. "I didn't notice your bag and stuff, I'm about to head out too. Been a long day."

Moriah nodded slowly and looked to Toni for help, who just shook her head laughing.

"Right so I was thinking um," he trailed off trying to find his words and nerves again. 

While Toni and Moriah waited for him to spit it out, Zilla walked into the ED. He had been calling his girlfriend with no answer so came in to check on her. His face scrunched when he laid eyes on her and saw the doctor standing close to her. Waiting for a few nurses and patients to pass in front of him, he approached his girlfriend from behind and slid his hand around her neck to her throat, gently leaning her head back. He kissed her lips a few times before letting her go, allowing his hand to rest on her waist. 

"You okay?" She asked looking at him. 

He nodded, sizing Dr. Miller up. "I'm straight. You ain't answer so I came to make sure you was aight."

Toni covered her laugh watching the scene unfold in front of her. Moriah checked her phone seeing the missed calls. 

"Oh I'm sorry, babe. I was talking to Toni and then Dr. Miller came up. Which let me not be rude … babe, this is the charge nurse, Toni and this is Dr. Miller," she said sweetly, "Yall this is my boyfriend, Zilla."

Toni stuck her hand out to Zilla still laughing, "Finally I get to meet Mr. Man who interrupted my ED."

"My bad, Toni," he laughed, "Ima do it again though."

Toni laughed. "For your sake it better not be a real emergency cause I'm not giving her the phone again. Dr. Miller, don't be rude. Speak."

Dr. Miller looked between all three, actively tryna avoid the scowl on Zilla's face. "Not ride, just didn't wanna interrupt. Nice to meet you. Zilla is it?"

Zilla tilted his head a little. "That's what I said, uce."

Moriah glared at Toni, who kept laughing. "Okay so yall have a good night. Let's go, babe."

"Wait, wait," Toni called out reaching across the station to grab Moriah's arm as she tried to go, "Don't you remember that Dr. Miller was about to tell you what he was thinking. Go head, Dr. Miller. Tell Moriah."

He scratched the back of his neck, "Oh I uh I was just gonna see if Moriah wanted to get a drink with me to relax after work. As uh as … as co-workers."

Moriah mouthed to Toni that she was gonna hurt her as Toni continued to laugh while Zilla held Dr. Miller's stare, silently daring him to look away. 

"She good, uce. I got all the relaxation she need. Come on, Fat."

Moriah waved to them before leaving. When they got to their car, Zilla helped her in before going to the driver side. She watched him as he drove, a slight frown on her face that made him laugh. 

"You always watchin me, man? What you want?"

She pushed his arm, "You know what. Why you do that?"

"Do what? Come check on you?" He laughed. "I was being a good boyfriend."

"By scaring that poor man. He was so nervous, Zay."

"Good, he should be. He was too close to you. Talkin bout gettin a drink, fuck outta here." He fussed as he sped through traffic. "Thought you was gon go for that? Naaah, not my Fat."

A smile slowly made its way onto her face, she poked at his face. He swatted her hand away. 

"Chill with that."

She kept going. "Is my Zilla jealous? Is that what I hear?"

"Ain't nobody jealous."

"Mmmm … you felt some type of way. You've never seen anybody flirt with me? Not since you been out." She teased.

He looked over at her for a moment not saying anything. 

"Its okay, I kinda liked seeing you like that. Plus Dr. Miller is a lot. I've been turning him down for the last month."

"Let me know if he bother you again."

Moriah giggled. "Yes sir."

"Aight now, you enjoyin it a little too much, Fat." He chuckled. 

She shrugged playfully. "After dinner are we calling your mom or did you already call?"

"I wasn't gon call her without you. She'd be mad if I did that anyway, whenever I talk to her she stay askin if I checked on you and if you got what you need."

"Yup cause I'm her favorite, not you."

"If it wasn't for me, yall wouldn't even know each other," he exclaimed playfully. 

"Oooh the jealously bug just bit you up today, huh?"

"Since you got jokes, you gon be at work tomorrow with bites."

She stopped laughing. "Wait, that's my funny. Don't do that."

"Ooooh it ain't funny no more, Fat?" He laughed. 

"Noooo. Last time you did that, I had bites everywhere when I met your grandma. And my mama thought you was beating me up."

"Shit, I was just not in the way she was thinking. But that was your fault cause you thought you was funny. I'm funnier though, Fat."

She folded her arms, pouting. "What if I say sorry?"

"Too late for that, babygirl. Just prepare yourself."

Thomas got off the elevator a quarter pass seven, making a beeline for the emergency department. One of the patients he was helping with needed assistance so he wasn't able to leave in time. Making it to the nurses station, he went to Toni.

"What do you need, Thomas?" She asked not looking up from her paperwork. 

He looked around as he spoke. "Nurse DeBreaux, is she here?"

"No, she's not," she answered now looking at him, "Why are you looking for her? There are plenty of nurses in Pediatrics where you are assigned."

"I needed to ask her a question about a patient that was in the ED," he lied quickly, "It's not an emergency. When does she work again?"

"I can call her for you, Thomas."

"No, just tell me when she works. I'll come back."

Toni hummed. "Tomorrow at 7am."

"Thank you, Toni. I owe you."

"Uhuh, don't get yourself into any trouble now."

He flashed her a quick smile before leaving. Toni sat with the interaction for a moment, replaying it in her head. Something felt weird to her but she brushed it off.

[thrashkink-coven]

One thing I love so much about Father Lucifer and Lord Leviathan…. you know what, Prince Cerberus and Faviel too… is their pure patience and understanding of the human condition. It’s something that organized religion never allowed much space for in my experiences. We are always expected to make the best choice. To be pure and clean, to be better than yesterday.

Right now I’m working hard on improving some skills. I am disabled, I suffer from neuropathy and a chronic migraine disorder. These last few years I’ve been struggling with it really bad, but thanks to some new meds and some good habits I’m more or less coming out of my bad rut. My spirits have been greatly aiding me in getting back on my feet (literally).

But some days, like today, I just… don’t care. I wanna smoke weed and be lazy all day. I want to jerk off and eat like shit and let the dishes pile up. I want to be a nothing person, just for a little bit while I work up the motivation to do better tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then maybe the day after that. Whatever, I don’t care, at least not today. I don’t want to be mindful, I don’t want to be enlightened. I don’t want to make art or be inspired. I just want to be a slob.

And you know what? That’s OKAY!

Working alongside these powerful entities can sometimes feel like I have to be on the ball all the time. I have to be this living God who is always improving and learning. But I don’t, and they don’t expect me to be.

As much as they want my initiative and commitment, the truth of the matter is that I’m human. I’m not an angel or a God, that’s a good thing. It’s amazing that I get to witness and learn from these incredible spirits whilst still having the comfort of my human limits. I’m a human, not a machine, I can’t be great all the time. Being hard on myself won’t make me grow faster, it’ll just make me miserable during periods of rest.

Lucifer encourages indulgence but not depravity. Today I came to him and basically said “Father, I’m sorry I’m so tired. I’m sorry I haven’t been reading. I know I should be doing better. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I honestly just want to crawl back into bed right now. Show me how to get rid of these feelings.”

and his response to that was “There is nothing wrong with you. Get some rest. Indulge in your pleasure and heal, human. If the moon can wax and wane then the human spirit can certainly do so as well.”

which honestly was not the answer I was expecting. I was expecting “discipline yourself”, “repeat this affirmation”, “get off your lazy ass, you’re better than this”.

Lucifer is always quick to put me on the right path when I’m swaying into bad habits or depressive states. But he assured me that that’s not what I’m going through right now.

“A lack of progress is not equivalent to failure.”

It affected me deeply to be called “human” by him like that, like he branded me with a definition. Feeble human who wants to be so much but can only do so much. Little human with enormous dreams and aspirations. Oh you, little human, don’t you know that you’re so small? Don’t you know that you are of the world? Can’t you just rest for a day? Can’t you just accept that? Don’t you know you are human?

It’s an interesting thing to think about when sitting before someone like Lucifer, who is always so beautiful and perfect in every way. Unnaturally so, inhumanly so. Making that sharp distinction between me, human, and him, God made me feel… understood…

Lol, something about that is so characteristically fatherly of him. It immediately made me feel so much better.

Within Christianity there’s this hard emphasis on being as much like God as possible, and as little like a human and possible, because humans are naturally bad and sinful. But I have to keep reminding myself that Im not stuck in that worldview anymore. I don’t have to be like God because Im not a God. Im a human. That’s a very very good thing. Being a human means that I get to witness God without the burden of being one. That’s incredible.

So today, I will probably just do a lot of nothing. Maybe I’ll go on a walk later and feed some crows. Whatever I do, I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I’m only human, after all.

Thank you, Father Lucifer. I love you.

[crimsonizedangel]

Conference Interruption

Pairings: Connor Rhodes x oc

Rating: NSFW

AN: this is another one shot if you would like to request anyone and any pairings just send me a message.

It had been a long day for me. I was sitting in the hotel bar with a drink in my hand still in my black cocktail dress and heels. I had left a work conference early that was being held at the conference center down the road.

"Drinking alone? That bad of a day?" A rough voice said snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah. A work conference filled with finance bros. I guess that's what I get for choosing business for a major in college." I told him. "Sorry if you are a finance bro." I told him as an afterthought.

The guy chuckled at my comments. "I'm sorry for that. I try to get out of work conferences too and I'm a surgeon." I turned to him finally getting a good look at him and saw how handsome he was.

"I'm Jessa Edwards by the way." Finally introducing myself. "Are you a surgeon here in Chicago?"

"I'm Connor Rhodes. Yeah I'm over at Chicago Med." he said introducing himself as well. "Can I get you another?" He offered when he saw my drink was almost gone.

"Yeah sure thank you." Thanking him as I finished off my vodka sprite. "So if you work in Chicago what are you doing here? I know I work in Chicago but work already paid for the hotel."

"A surgical convention hosted by the hotel. I was on my way out when I noticed you sitting by yourself."

The bartender put two drinks in front of us and I saw he ordered himself the same thing that I was having. I took a sip of mine as I watched as he drank from his own. "So vodka is your choice in poison huh?"

I let out a giggle at his comment and nodded. "It is my go to."

After awhile of chatting he put a hand on my leg and I smirked at him as I leaned closer to him. "If that's what you want Mr. Rhodes we can always finish our drinks and head on up to my room."

He downed the rest of his drink and I finished the last gulp of mine before we closed our tabs and found the elevator to go up to my room.

I pulled him down the hallway once we got to my floor and pushed him into my hotel room. He grabbed my hips pulling me into a kiss. My hands moved under his sport coat pushing it off his shoulders and onto the floor. I started to undo the buttons on his shirt as I felt him unzip my dress. He let his shirt fall to floor revealing his toned chest and arms.

"Like what you see?" He asked a little too cocky so I pushed him to sit on the bed and let my black dress slide to floor and stepped out of it. I saw him look me over licking his lips when he saw I only had a black thong on under the dress.

I just smirked at him as I asked him "like what you see doctor?" I noticed the bulge straining against his dress pants and that was all I needed for confirmation as I came closer to him and straddled his lap. My lips crashed against his and his hands instantly went to my ass. I subconsciously started grinding down against his bulge and heard him let out a strained moan and his hands trying to hold my hips still.

"Jessa I can feel how wet you are and I need you to stop moving or I will flip you over." His voice was low in my ear making me move my hips some more.

"Was that a threat?" My voice also low and sultry as I started kissing his neck and moving my hips more feeling his bulge growing. I didn't get far before he picked me up and tossed me onto my back on the bed removing my thong in the process.

I watched as he undid his belt and pants to release the pressure against his erection as his pants and boxers joined the pile on the floor. He kissed up my thigh until he got to my pussy where he licked a strip up my folds. I let out a loud moan when he sucked on my clit and inserted two fingers into me and curled them up. I could feel myself getting closer to the edge from his fingers hitting just the right spot.

"Connor," I moaned out "I'm going to come."

Right after I said that I saw him look up at me as he stopped sucking my clit and pulled his fingers out. I let out a whine from being so close but not getting to come. He let out a chuckle as he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a condom rolling it over his erection.

"Don't worry you'll get to come. Now get on your hands and knees." His voice was very low and I flipped over as he instructed. I felt him grab my hips getting me into a better position so he could position his cock just right and enter me. We both let out loud moans when he bottomed out and hit my cervix. He stayed like that for a minute as we both adjusted to the new sensations.

"Jessa you are so tight." He moaned out before he started moving his hips against mine. He eventually stopped again and reached around to rub my clit. The stimulation bringing me closer to coming again and as I squeezed around him he started ramming into me and slapping my ass making me moan and grab onto the sheets.

"You like your ass getting slapped." He asked and all I could do was moan as a response as he slapped it again. "Yeah you like that you naughty girl."

"Connor I'm going to come." I moaned "don't stop. Yes just like that. You feel so good."

He reached around me grabbing my shoulders and pulling me up so my back was against his chest. He held me up like that with one hand on my neck and the other working my clit. I pulled his head down kissing him as I came around him squeezing his cock. He pumped into a few more times and bite my shoulder as he came.

We both collapsed onto the bed and he pulled out of me taking the condom off and throwing it away before coming back and laying next to me.

"That was much better than a conference." I told him crawling over to him and kissing him again.

"I agree. If you ever want to get out of a conference again you can always give me a call." He offered.

[marcelinesghost13]

Is there something wrong with me? Cuz I swear to God my kindness it just keeps... Biting me in the ass. Today I got my spouse's meds and I thought that was that. But she wanted to go out to Michael's in order to get a Halloween house that you purchased. So I agree. We drove out we were getting along even though she went fucking psycho last night. Matter of fact how about we stop for a second let me let you know when I mean by she went psycho last night and then I will continue this story.

So last night I dropped her off after we spent three to four hours driving around taking photos and hanging out around New Mexico. You guys can see those photos if you'd like I did post them and they're really pretty I think. But we are having an amazing day and we were getting totally fucking along.

Then I dropped her off at home she was falling asleep on the couch I helped her to bed and she said good night and I said good night and everything was all good. Then I got fucking home and she blew up my phone letting me know how I've been fucking with her head this entire fucking time. That's all I've been doing the whole time me and her have been married. It's been playing fucking head games with her. I've been lying from the very beginning of our relationship about me being a girl. And now she's extremely hurt that I have decided to go down this route. On top of that the amount of cheating that I've done has actually hurt her really bad too. And then on top of that the amount of really fucked up shit that my family has done to fuck with her the whole time we've been married. I decided I was not going to engage and all that negativity I let her know I was going to bed and I told her good night. I did tell her at one point though before I forget that I don't love her anymore. So after I was done engaging with her taxes. I went to bed. I woke up in the morning with psychotaxt. She let me know that I was a fake and a liar and a lot of other stuff that she had already told me before. But the part where it gets psycho is that she called my phone a total of 30 times not saying anything and the voicemails were only about 10 seconds long. And then she also gave me text saying the same thing "good night" a total of a little over 50 times. And then she apologized and said maybe I took that a little bit too far. You're fucking think that's a whole lot of fucking crazy. So with all that for some stupid ass reason I still agreed to take her out to get her things.

For the most part we were getting along but there was definitely an awkward feeling the entire time we were together. Then finally around the time when we went to Target and got back to our car is when she decided to go full on meltdown again on me. And the only reason why she got triggered is because I asked her do you want a famous bowl from KFC or a mac and cheese bowl from KFC. She decided to do her whole meltdown and how I betrayed her and how it's fucked up that I am deciding to become a girl again. I have to admit that I turned around and I yelled at her back. I told her I'm sick and tired of you yelling at me I'm tired of you gaslighting me I'm tired of you breaking my shit. That is the reason why I live at my dad's house right now is because I can't take the constant insults that you fling at me at just a random notice. She then let me know that everything that I have to say was a fucking lie and that I'm the one that has been lying the whole time. I told her fine whatever I'm done arguing with you.

I then turn the car on drove all the way from Rio rancho all the way to her house which by the way I still got her food cuz she can't fucking cook. Took all of her stuff that she got into the house. I then left and said goodbye. I am so fucking tired and burnt on the amount of bullshit that this woman has been giving me day after fucking day. I understand Monday and Tuesday I don't have a fucking choice to take her up to Denver for her treatment. But I have no plans on talking to her for the rest of today I am not going to be talking to her on Saturday and Sunday. I'm just so sick of her toxic behavior. And I know I have not done anything wrong I know that I've traded her like a queen the entire time we've been married. So whatever fucked up delusions that she has in her head about how things were supposed to happen in her life then get a fucking grip because life doesn't go by the way that you're supposed to wanted to go. You learn you love you grow together you become better people together. And that Bond develops into this incredible friendship that is a marriage. Your best friend in the entire world should be your spouse. But my wife does not see it that way I don't know how she sees it she's never explained it to me she just lets me know that she's my fucking wife and that's how I'm supposed to see her well I do see you as my fucking wife my crazy ass narcissistic gaslighting fucking bitch of a wife that's how I fucking see her. I fucking so done.

I know we get back on Tuesday I will drop her off at home and I will go back to my dad's house to sleep. But on Wednesday I plan on going to the city and figuring out how to file paperwork for separation I am done I am not doing this anymore. And I don't care how much it fucks her over because that's all she's been doing is fucking me over for years. I have done so many things to bail her ass out of trouble. She has a bad habit of spending way too much money on certain things and getting fucked over and I have bailed her out of all that. there has been plenty of times where she's gotten a ticket for driving way too fast because she does and I paid for that ticket. There has been certain things that she needs in order to do her job or to help with the family function whatever it may be I have paid for that. There's been plenty of times where she doesn't know how to deal with a fucking boss or an individual at work and she quits her job because of that I have supported her every single fucking time. She wanted to go back to school I supported her 100% And I even helped her with it. I have done so many things for this woman and yet I get accused of so many false accusations. I'm done I'm filing for separation on Wednesday.

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