#gods valley incident

[zombie-eats-world]

Luffy's Linage and the Connections to God's Valley

I think we all know that the history of God's Valley is going to be very important to the story and to our protagonist, Luffy. But I think I've realized why it will be the biggest reveal in the story and intertwined intimately with Luffy's creation and destiny. This might sound crazy but I believe wholeheartedly that:

Luffy is the grandchild of Rocks D. Xebec.

Luffy is the child of Crocodile.

Crocodile's mysterious history is interlinked with every important character in the Grandline. Now, let me explain.

Let's first lay out what we know about the God's Valley incident. We know the Celestial Dragons were on the island, which prompted a young Garp to trust a young Gol D. Roger with an alliance to fight against the Rocks Pirates. Together they won, the incident was covered up, the island disappeared, and Roger found a baby Shanks in a treasure chest as he sailed away.

There is so much about that incident that we don't know, but we do understand just how much it has impacted the world of One Piece. And that goes double for the relationships born from the incident.

Whitebeard and Roger's friendly rivalry, Big Mom's vitriol for Roger, but by far the most interesting thing to come out of the incident is Roger and Garp's mutual respect. Roger respected Garp so much that he trusted the marine with knowledge of his child who was about to be born.

This is the million-dollar question, why would Roger entrust his child's (and at this time, Rouge's) life to this marine who could have become a massively different person in the years since they last met. For all Roger knew Garp was now corrupted by the marines and agreed that Roger's bloodline needed to be eradicated. Well, I believe Roger trusted Garp because he witnessed Garp save a child before against the World Government's wishes; I believe Garp saved Rock's child.

We all understand by now that one of the overarching themes of the story is 'history repeating itself', which is why I think the hunt for Roger's child happened once before with the God's Valley incident. The WG would obviously want to completely erase Rocks from existence (they basically have to with how little we know about him), which would include any children he had fathered to carry on his bloodline. As the fight on God's Valley raged a group of marines, or possibly Cipher Pol, would arrive with the orders to kill anyone with even a passing relation to Rocks. The survivors of this being Rocks top members (Whitebeard, Big Mom, etc.) AND his child; who I am willing to bet real money on was Crocodile.

Crocodile is one of the most interesting characters in the story by far. And while that might be a lot of bias from me, I still think the evidence speaks for itself.

Crocodile is one of the only major villain's that we lack a backstory for, we know more about Warpol's backstory than we do the very first Warlord we ever fought and defeated in story. The man has a strange relationship with animals that is never once explained. Lizard mail runners that we never see utilized by anyone else? Yep, Crocodile's got them. A trained otter and condor being given more trust than the humans in his secret organization? Yes, Crocodile did allow that. Gigantic reptiles that are known to attack Sea Kings? Crocodile kept them as pets and had them so well trained Robin was able to casually pet one! (This doesn't really add to the theory beyond showcasing an odd character trait giving to Crocodile of all people and without any explanation. No one even thought we'd see him again before impel down!)

We also know that Crocodile's inspiration was Roger, from the cover on chapter 408 we learn that Crocodile dreams of being Roger. (very similar to Yamato's dream of being Odin, just more history repeating itself.)

I'm not understating this, Crocodile as a character is so weird. He's got connections to everyone, (Whitebeard, the Revolutionaries, Ivankov, Mihawk, etc.) and yet we've never got any explanation for any of this. We know from how intertwined Crocodile is with the Grandline that he's been a pirate a very long time yet no one in the story seems to know anything about him outside of his Warlord status. In fact, Crocodile seems to be comfortable with the secrets, even being alright with Buggy taking the credit for Cross Guild.

This mans strange relationships with powerful characters like Whitebeard is the reason for the prevalent theory that Crocodile is Whitebeard's only biological child instead of Rocks.... but what if it was both?

No matter how I think about it I've never been able to get over the strangeness of Crocodile and Whitebeard's dynamic in Marineford. Whitebeard definitely doesn't treat Crocodile like someone he cares about, less so like a child that would automatically count in the family that was HIS DREAM. But there is a familiarity in how they address each other, like their history goes back far further than the battle we know they had when Crocodile was a young pirate.

So I propose this:

Crocodile was Rocks child, witnessed Roger take his own father down after standing up to him. This is the reason for Crocodile's dream seemingly being to be Roger. And this would eventually be mirrored in the relationship between Kaido, Yamato, and Oden.

Garp impressed Roger by helping Crocodile to safety instead of following orders and killing him. This would stick with Roger over the years and be why while sitting in prison waiting for execution he decided to put his child's life in Garp's hands.

The safety Crocodile was brought to was Whitebeard. Crocodile was 8 when God's Valley happened, so Whitebeard raised the boy for a few years before Crocodile either ran away or was sent away. We don't know why Crocodile and Whitebeard's relationship turned sour but whatever it was caused Crocodile to see him as an opponent he dreamed of defeating.

This all spurs Crocodile to go to East Blue to witness Roger's end and motivates his desire to defeat Whitebeard as he is now the father figure he must overcome in order to be like Roger. (Kinda like Ace's original desire to defeat Whitebeard huh? Again more history repeating itself.)

Now onto what this means for Luffy, and the story as a whole.

I've already outlined all the evidence for the Trans! Crocodile and Crocodad/Dadodile in many, many, many posts. So I'm not doing that here, you can find my main posts on it here and here. In this post, I want to discuss the ramifications of Crocodile being Rock's child and Luffy's birth parent if this theory proved true.

First of all, this would mean the person that literally gave birth to the dawn and the future sun god Nika/Joyboy incarnate had their life undeniably changed at GOD'S VALLEY. I don't think I need to explain the almost heavy-handed symbolism with that entire naming scheme.

It would also mean that almost everyone who had an impact on Luffy's life was at God's Valley. The person who gave birth to him (Crocodile), the person who inspired his dream (Shanks and Roger), the person to raised him and trained him (Garp), and the person to validated his dream to the world (Whitebeard). All that is missing is Dragon, but for all we know he was there too!

Also I simply love the symbolize that revolves around this entire theory. Luffy would be born from the son of the man who was push into the spot light after God's Valley, praised as a hero. And came from the child of the man who was wiped from history, his family memory thrown to the darkness. Its a clash of opposites, light and dark, a total contradiction, also could be described as a dawn. Not even mentioning the beautiful irony of Joyboy being born from someone taking the name of a predator known for its menacing smile.

If this proved to be true, Crocodile would be centered and primed to possibly be the link between the crew and Gods Valley. Maybe the last Road Poneglyph is there!

But what do others think? I'd love to have a discussion about this if anyone finds counter evidence, or finds evidence that gives more credence to this theory!

Here's an additional link to a great post about this topic I found while looking for evidence.

[cryingpariah]

This is rotating in my head again cause?? The God Valley incident happened 38 years ago and Big New Morgans is 53 which would make 15 (maybe 16) at this time! What in the world was his ass doing at God Valley as a teenager?? (Yes I know he doesn’t have to technically have been there to write about but shhhh this is more fun!)

I understand the general consensus is that he’s a former Roger Pirate but based on how Iva's talking about him here he’s seems to have already been an established journalist! But that only raises like a billion more questions naturally!

- How did he get to God Valley? Is he potentially from there?

- How did he escape the fate of the Native Hunting Competition? Resident or not wouldn’t they have hunted him down?

- How much does he actually know about the incident itself? (It’s been shown he’s willing to cover up the truth to get a check from the WG so just because only Garp's stuff is written doesn’t mean he doesn’t know more!)

- Is it possibly we saw him there and just didn’t know because he didn’t use his DF powers? (Or just plain didn’t have them at the time!)

[Mildly cringe OC mention time but he definitely holds this over Jackie's head in the way a parent would tell you they hiked 15,000 miles in a blizzard to get to school on time everytime she complains about going somewhere dangerous.]

[aeligsido]

Roger: remember, if they ask you anything, play dumb!

Garp: 💪

Sangoku, later: Garp, where are the Celestial Dragons' slaves?

Garp, playing dumb: what's a Garp.

Roger: NOT THAT DUMB!

[0ynes]

"The native hunting competition" really broke me. What a timing to release this chapter too... Anyone who still thinks One Piece isn't political and isn't woke, should just drop it.

Garp and Roger are on very thin ice. idk what Xebec could be doing that's worse than this. idk what will justify Garp and Roger "protecting the tenryuubito and their slaves", even though so far we only have the marines POV of what happen. One thing is certain, the tenryuubito were protected. So, Garp and Roger start explaining yourselves.

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 1096 - Initial Thoughts

And we are back

Had a feeling this one would come early though. The Kuma flashback is in swing and we are in a very historically point of intrigue

However it is also 8 weeks since we last saw Nico Robin and it'll likely end up being double digits at this rate

Still, let's not rush this flashback, let's see what it has to offer

Spoilers for the Chapter, Support the Official Release Also

The trend of monkeys on the cover is ended by Chihuahuas beating Zoro at musical chairs XD Still though top 3

We're back into hunger games as the Celestial Dragons explain how all the inhabitants are 'rabbits' all worth points; 1 hit kills get you a bonus but there are also 150 rare kills worth more, and 13 super rare worth 10,000 points, the same amount Garling was deducted

There's also prizes apparently, sickening stuff

Garling looked a bit like Zoro and Shanks there as he talks big game

Mannmeyer family woman might be interesting, face is obscured, same for gas mask dude

The last one looks kinda like that Whitebeard Commander too

Of course, the natives of God Valley are confused and panicked by the situation, and are offered no mercy by the dragons who simply tell them to give them a good chase

At the Navy, Garp is being called for support, but he's not biting

Rare appearance from Fleet Admiral Kong too

Young Garp is lapping it up by the pool, but he thinks he's being called because of what the Navy did to the Rocks pirates

Seems they stole something, a 'crown jewel' they say

Ironic though that Garp is all 'you can't shake the hive' and then over 30 years later showing up to shake the hive

Seems like the intel was supposed to be kept on the down low though

Garp won't protect the Dragons from Rocks, but he's leapt out of his deck chair for Roger

So much Luffy energy when he's relaxing too, though I guess God Valley was when he started getting more serious

The Rocks pirates are already on the move too, having left Fullalead without the rest of their inhabitants

Ivankov narrates something more true than they realise, this will be a big moment made forgotten history

10,000 civilians hunted for sport, and Oda's not holding back despite current events

Urgh and the slaves all have target marks on their back

Ivankov has to drill home that nobody is going to survive, the idea that they'll be let go if they survive 3 weeks is just a way to satisfy the dragons

Garling has been chasing the bigger prizes and has thus broke even already

All in front of an audience in Marejois via Den Den Mushi too

Ivankov's chains are bitten off by a Shark Fishman, who Ivankov praises, I wonder if that was Arlong and Shyarly's father?

Ginny (they're sticking with the G) is a bit of a thief and an wiretapper it seems, leaking information to the world 2 weeks prior to create chaos while they escape

The plan requires the prizes; Devil Fruits, the Paw-Paw Fruit and the Fish Fish Fruit: Model Azure Dragon, which are at the center of the island

She makes a point in saying that Kaido's is classed among the strongest of Devil Fruits, and that the Paw-Paw Fruit is a secondary plan because it can blast things away

Kuma also volunteers to be a decoy, his strength and bulkiness being cited as increasing his chances to survive

His resolve does impress Ivankov and Ginny too

Rocks are heeeeeere!

Alas we don't see Rocks D. Xebec, but we do see all the youthful members of the crew

Whitebeard reprimands Rocks for running ahead, with Buckingham Stussy hanging off his shoulder

Seemed Stussy had competition from a Kuja, so the big surprise here: Elder Nyon (Gloriosa) was a Rocks Pirate member, not Shakky like the theories

Canon Manga Debut for Shiki as well, as Big Mom and Kaido argue with the group, also Captain John is there drinking much like he did as a Zombie

No sign of who Ochoku was though, could be the guy to Whitebeard's left (our right)

Seems Rocks wasn't here for the Celestial Dragons though, the pirates were looking for something, and they're all gonna fight even each other to get it

Ochoku could also be the 2 people underneath Gloriosa in the 3 way panel, helmet dude or the very shaded hat man

But from the other side: the Roger Pirates!

Tacheless Roger with the Straw Hat, and prime Rayleigh and Gaban, but there's also a big dude, a Viking Dude and someone in a snug coat

God look how much Roger looks like Ace, and he's been itching for a fight all year

We see a couple more God's Knights too, there's a woman and a tall dude? I dunno every time I look it looks like he's beheaded, he doesn't have the armour, but we have the woman

The chaos has earned a reprieve for the inhabitants, the farmers look a tiny bit like the Milk girl Moda from Lulusia

The younger marines don't like their chances

Until Garp arrives!

Gotta have a good reputation if Garp reassures you against Rocks AND Roger

Bogard my man is still there, the others I don't recognize though

Even more carnage leads to Kuma and Ivankov getting the fruits they want

But alas, Child Abuse, Big Mom getting that in early to knock away Ivankov and get the Fish Fruit which she will use on Kaido

Through Ivankov's encouragement, Kuma eats the fruit before Linlin can get to him

But as Ivankov rallies that saving at least 1 person will be a victory, more child abuse! This time Saturn comes to deck Kuma

Man headshots marines, Bonney and Sanji but he went for ol' fashioned fisticuffs with Kuma

There has been a lot of touching tha child here, DON'T TOUCHA THA CHILD!

"I don't understand how someone can be born to be more or less important" god what a line that is

Stood before Saturn, Kuma notes that now that he has power, he's gonna save as many as he can, just like Nika

And Saturn doesn't like that, seems that the idolization of Nika is what led to the genocide of the Buccaneers

ACOC lightning hums around God Valley as Roger and Rocks fight, it seems Rocks was trying to get to something while Roger was trying to interact

But Oda, brilliant but awful as he is, decides that's it, no more God Valley content...

Sir we needed more, we didn't even see Rocks, or why Kaido needed the fruit to survive, or Ochoku, or why it's made out that Garp and Roger were teaming up to protect the Celestial Dragons because clearly they were not

But alas, back at the Sorbet kingdom we have the aftermath

Ivankov laments that Morgans only lapped up Garp's heroics, and that he's a WG kissass

Kuma however is praying in a church, lamenting that he could've saved more

Turns out he saved 500 people though, which is a lot given how many big names were there, and that last we saw he was staring down a Gorosei

Ginny has now nicknamed Kuma the chapter's title, Kumachi, which could be written the same way as Perona's bear Kumacy not entirely sure

But Ivankov adds praise to Kuma's efforts, calling his paws the Hands of Liberation

Ivankov doesn't stick around though, heading off to sea to enjoy their freedom

"I'll never forget your face for as long as I live" oof right in the Marineford

Ginny however opts to stay in Sorbet living in a church with Kuma

Make no mistake though, Ginny's the boss, despite being a third his size she has the age factor

Chopping wood like the SBS artwork of young Kuma as they seek to feed themselves on hard work

Ginny also beats up bullies that throw stones at Kuma thinking he's lying about being 9

But Kuma as a gentle soul uses his fruit to remove the pain

Ginny is a glutton, much like her potential children/clone maybe? As Kuma offers her more of his food

They've both spent at least 5 years as a slave (since both became slaves at 4, and Kuma is 9 while Ginny is somehow 13)

But the sensation of finally feeling full makes Ginny tear up with joy, which of course makes Kuma cry too

So sweet, it's all gonna go to shit ain't it?

Well it was definitely an inviting chapter

Though I am a bit sore that we got blueballed a lot with God Valley, so many questions still left unanswered as Oda teases us. The Devil Fruits as prizes make sense though, wonder if there were more, Rocks was after something after all. Wonder if the Ope Ope no Mi was considered a prize? I doubt the Gomu Gomu no Mi was a prize though think the Gorosei would've wanted that under lock and key, maybe Doffy's fruit? or the Yami Yami no Mi? or Marco's fruit? or that Egg on Roger's Ship during the Oden flashback? Did Garling throw his son up as a prize? Answers Oda you're supposed to give Answers! We got a lot of teases though; God's Knights, other Rocks crewmates, Stussy potentially indeed being a thing with Whitebeard but atm it seems more like she was dangling off him (she was listed as a 'freeloader' in MADS, wonder if clone Stussy will have a larger role too in present because she did get sidelined quickly), also seems like Gloriosa was interested was Whitebeard the man she had love sickness for? Also got potential ancestors who were God Valley slaves. Kuma saving 500 is still super impressive too, how did he get away from Saturn? How many generations of that 500 still exist today?

But we do seem to have the blooming of Kuma and maybe a relationship with him and Ginny. It's unclear but I think the Luffy's mom bit is even lower a possibility now, still thinking that Bonney is a clone of Ginny though, wouldn't mind if she was a biological daughter it'd just make the wording of Kuma being the last Buccaneer a bit weird.

It does further fuel the idea that Kuma is gonna show up in Egghead too, but the flashback only further fuels the layer of tragedy that has befell Kuma, man has suffered so much and he continues to lose so much, this flashback has the capacity to break us.

At the least there's no break, but the wait will be long and painful regardless.

[hopeworth]

breaking my silence…… roger was hot

[cosmicrhetoric]

i cant wait for the rest of egghead to be animated bc the climax of the arc quickly became one of my fave moments in the entire series (which is like really really saying something in an 1100 chapter manga) but the kuma backstory is so long and spans so many decades and touches on so many really important moments in time that i know theyre going to spend 20 episodes on it and im going to be crying literally the full 20 weeks

[im-goofball]

Anakin vs Obi-wan but it's One piece and they are both idiots

[pirateborn]

i love writing roger he rly is just a fun guy to write,

[marinehero-a]

       every time someone recognizes luffy as garp’s grandson before all the Other insane things luffy’s done i shake the bars i Want more Old Gen Lore---

[sampahaha]

SHANKS WAS BORN A CELESTIAL DRAGON????????????

[solxamber]

How Not to Court Your Crush: A Disaster in Six Acts - Malleus Draconia x reader

You're trying to court Malleus so why is he acting so weird? Malleus is trying to court you, so why are you acting so weird.

aka you try fae courtship and malleus tries human courtship, you both fail spectacularly.

Scene 1: The Offering of... Chaos?

You were determined. Absolutely, one hundred percent determined to win over Malleus Draconia’s heart the fae way. You’d done your research—well, half-researched. You might’ve skimmed some books. Okay, maybe you watched some video where a guy talked about it for 10 minutes. But still! You were ready to tackle fae courting, head-on.

Which is why you were standing in the middle of the campus courtyard holding a potted mandrake. Because, according to some source (you couldn’t quite remember which), gifting rare plants was a surefire way to court a fae prince.

Unfortunately, no one told you that the mandrake in question would scream like a banshee as soon as you yanked it out of the dirt.

"Behold!" You shouted, thrusting the potted terror toward Malleus, who had appeared in his usual fashion—stealthy and majestic, like a dragon perching on a mountain. "A rare gift for the noble Prince of Briar Valley!"

The mandrake, in all its wailing glory, let out a soul-piercing shriek. Nearby students flung themselves behind trees and bushes. Sebek fainted. Silver, as usual, napped through the chaos.

Malleus blinked at you. Once. Twice. His face was a mixture of confusion and slight amusement. "Are you... trying to summon something?"

You frowned. "Summon? No! This is for you!" You held the screaming mandrake higher, like an offering to some ancient god. "As a... token of my appreciation! You like plants, right?"

The mandrake let out a final, particularly blood-curdling scream before going silent, wilting slightly in the pot. Malleus blinked once. Twice. “I... do like plants, yes. But usually... not ones that wish to harm me.”

You grinned, proud of your extremely thoughtful choice. “Well, this one just has personality!”

Malleus cautiously took the pot from you, staring down at the now exhausted mandrake. “Thank you,” he said, sounding unsure if you were joking or being sincere. “I’ll... treasure it.”

Somewhere in the distance, Ace and Deuce exchanged pitying looks. “Man,” Ace muttered, “he doesn’t deserve this.”

Scene 2: The Worst Poem Ever Written

Malleus had been doing his own research—much more thorough than yours, of course. He’d read books. Lots of them. Mostly ancient tomes from his castle library that were centuries old. After all, human courting customs couldn’t have changed that much, right?

His plan was foolproof: Humans enjoyed poetry. Therefore, he would craft you the most beautiful, heart-stopping poem ever written, and your affection for him would blossom like the midnight roses of Briar Valley.

He found you sitting under a tree near the school, probably recovering from your last spectacular fae courting attempt (the less said about the mandrake incident, the better). Malleus approached with all the grace of a dark prince, his black cloak billowing in the wind, carrying a scroll in his hand.

"Dearest," he began, as you looked up from your phone. "I have composed a poem for you. An ode to your beauty and grace."

Your eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

"Yes. Please, allow me." He unfurled the scroll dramatically.

You sat back, intrigued. This was either going to be a disaster or absolute gold. Either way, you were ready.

Malleus cleared his throat, then began to read with all the gravitas of a Shakespearean actor:

"Your hair, like the moss that grows on the oldest tombstones,

Your eyes, like the deepest, darkest, creepiest of wells,

Your voice, as soothing as the distant scream of a lost soul..."

You snorted. "What?"

"Your beauty is like the moon, that I can never reach, because it is in the sky... far away... and also made of rock." He paused, glancing at you hopefully. “Do you like it so far?”

You bit your lip, desperately trying not to laugh. "Um... It's... something. Keep going."

Malleus beamed. "There’s more!"

"Your hands, soft like the belly of a small woodland creature..." He continued, and you finally lost it, howling with laughter. “Is it not... moving?”

You waved your hands, barely able to breathe through your giggles. "Malleus! Are you... Are you serious?!"

“I thought humans liked dark poetry,” he said, looking genuinely concerned.

“Well, some do, but—” You stopped yourself, trying not to laugh. “No, wait, keep going. I want to hear more.”

Malleus, relieved, continued. “Your beauty is like the full moon—cold, distant, and surrounded by darkness.”

Somewhere behind a nearby tree, Lilia was biting his lip to stop from laughing, while Ace and Deuce shared looks of absolute pity for their friend and Malleus.

Ace shook his head. “Poor guy. He’s trying so hard.”

Scene 3: The... Ambush?

Since the plant-gifting thing didn’t go quite as planned, you decided that maybe a more public display of affection would be the ticket. According to something you half-remembered (and maybe misunderstood), fae really appreciated grand gestures of intent. So, naturally, you chose the school cafeteria at lunchtime as your stage.

As you climbed on top of a table, all eyes turned toward you. Malleus sat at a corner table, watching you with his usual calm, collected demeanor, but you could see the confusion in his eyes.

"Prince Malleus!" you shouted dramatically, lifting your arms in the air. “I declare before all of these witnesses that I shall offer this to you!”

The cafeteria fell into dead silence. Well, except for Lilia, who was quietly choking on his laughter in the background.

Malleus blinked, his expression unreadable. “You... what?”

"Yes! I offer you—" you pulled out the cabbage you’d swiped from the kitchen earlier—"this symbol of my devotion!"

Malleus stared at the cabbage in your hands. "Is that... a vegetable?"

“Yes! It’s a sign of fertility or... something.” You weren’t entirely sure, but it sounded right. “I picked it myself!”

Malleus blinked again, clearly trying to process this information. “I... appreciate the gesture."

Lilia butts in. "Beastie, I’m afraid cabbages aren’t typically used in fae courting rituals.”

You pouted, hopping off the table. “What? But I read that—"

“Perhaps... next time, try flowers?”

Behind you, Ace facepalmed. “Oh, man. They're hopeless.”

Scene 4: The Gift of... Dirt?

Malleus was now absolutely convinced that something was seriously wrong with you. You seemed... more chaotic than usual, and while he enjoyed your enthusiasm, he had no idea why you were suddenly thrusting vegetables at him.

In his effort to reciprocate (and maybe figure out what was going on), he decided to give you a gift of his own. A very special one. From his homeland.

After all, humans liked sentimental gifts, right?

That’s why, one morning, he approached you with a small velvet pouch in his hand, his face filled with sincerity. “Child of Man, I have something for you.”

“Oh?” You tilted your head, curious. “What’s that?”

He handed you the pouch, and you opened it, only to find... dirt. Black, slightly glittery dirt.

You stared at it. Then at him. Then back at the dirt. “Is this... dirt?”

“Yes,” Malleus said proudly. “From Briar Valley. It’s a very special soil, infused with the magic of my homeland.”

You blinked. “You got me dirt.”

“Very magical dirt,” he corrected, as if that made it better.

You bit back a laugh, trying to keep a straight face. “Um... thanks?”

Ace, watching from a distance, nudged Deuce. “Man, They're gonna end up with a garden at this rate.”

Scene 5: The Unnecessary Duel

Clearly, you had been doing something wrong, because your attempts at fae courtship had been met with nothing but polite confusion. But you were nothing if not determined. The next step in your (completely misguided) strategy? Prove your strength in battle. Duh.

You marched up to Malleus one afternoon, sword in hand, and pointed it at his chest. "Malleus Draconia! I challenge you to a duel!"

Malleus blinked at you, clearly baffled. “A duel? With... me?”

“Yes!” you declared, brandishing the sword with a flourish. “I shall prove myself worthy of your admiration through combat!”

Malleus tilted his head. “You... wish to fight me?”

You nodded enthusiastically. “Yes! To the death! Or until someone taps out. Whatever works.”

Malleus looked utterly bewildered but amused. “I... see. But are you sure this is necessary?”

"Absolutely. I need to show you my strength." You tried to strike a dramatic pose, but the sword was way heavier than it looked.

Lilia, perched nearby, was barely containing his laughter. “Oh, this is too good.”

Malleus raised his hand. “Perhaps another time. I would not want to harm you.”

You frowned. “Harm me? Pfft. I’m tougher than I look, dragon boy.”

Scene 6: The Romantic Walk—Through a Thunderstorm

Malleus had one last idea. Humans, he’d read, liked romantic walks. That was simple, right? No vegetables. No poetry. Just a quiet stroll. What could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunately, he decided to take you for a walk through the forest on a day when the sky decided to unleash the full wrath of a thunderstorm. And because he was a fae, storms didn’t bother him.

You, on the other hand, were not a fan of being drenched to the bone.

The rain came down in sheets, lightning crackling overhead as you both trudged through the mud. You tried to keep your umbrella steady, but the wind whipped it inside out almost immediately.

“Malleus,” you called over the storm, shouting to be heard. “Why are we walking in this? Are you trying to drown me?”

Malleus, entirely unfazed by the downpour, turned to you, his face serious. “I thought a walk through nature would be a calming experience for you.”

You stared at him, your hair sticking to your face, clothes soaked through, and boots filled with mud. “Calming?! I’m about to be struck by lightning!”

He blinked, as if only now realizing the storm might be an issue for you. “Ah, I see. Humans are... more susceptible to storms. My apologies.”

“Ya think?” You huffed, clutching your now-ruined umbrella. “A ‘romantic stroll’ usually involves good weather.”

Malleus frowned, looking genuinely troubled. “I thought the power of the storm would inspire awe.”

“Yeah, it’s inspiring me to run back inside.” You sighed, shivering. “This is... sweet, I guess. But, uh, maybe next time we check the weather before planning any ‘romantic’ activities?”

As you struggled to wipe rain from your face, you caught a glimpse of Lilia again—he was standing under a tree, dry as could be, watching the scene unfold with glee. His mischievous grin practically radiated from the shadows.

“You’re having fun with this, aren’t you?” you shouted toward him, but Lilia just waved, clearly loving the chaos.

Malleus, still deep in thought about his failed attempt at human courtship, suddenly looked serious. “Perhaps a different form of human bonding is needed next time.”

Behind you, Ace and Deuce were trailing a safe distance away, both dripping wet but trying to keep from laughing too loudly.

“Man,” Ace muttered, shaking his head. “They're gonna give the poor guy a heart attack one day.”

Deuce nodded solemnly. “Or he’ll get us all killed.”

After days of mutual confusion and failed courtship rituals, you found yourself, once again, sitting with Malleus in one of the school’s many quiet courtyards.

“Y’know,” you began, squinting at him. “I feel like you’ve been acting weird lately.”

Malleus gave you a similar look. “I’ve been thinking the same about you.”

You blinked. “Wait, me? What do you mean?”

“Well,” Malleus said, his brow furrowed, “you’ve been offering me... odd gifts. Vegetables. Challenging me to duels. Declaring intentions in public spaces. It’s... unusual.”

You froze. “That’s... fae courtship. I’ve been trying to... y’know...”

Malleus’ eyes widened. “You’ve been attempting to court me?”

Your face flushed. “Well, yeah! I thought you were acting strange, so I figured you were waiting for someone to, I don’t know, woo you.”

Malleus’ confusion quickly shifted to amusement. “I’ve been trying to court you this whole time.”

Your jaw dropped. “You’re what?!”

“I believed you were in distress, so I attempted human courting rituals. Clearly, they didn’t go as planned.”

You both stared at each other for a long moment, the realization of mutual failure sinking in. Then, unexpectedly, you burst out laughing, and Malleus, after a moment, chuckled too.

“Well,” you managed between laughs, “we really suck at this.”

“Indeed,” Malleus agreed, his eyes warm with amusement. “Perhaps next time, we should... communicate better.”

“Yeah,” you said, wiping a tear from your eye. “That might help.”

From a safe distance, Lilia watched, his face beaming with pride. “Ah, young love,” he sighed dramatically. “How wonderfully chaotic.”

Ace shook his head, utterly done with the entire situation. “They’re hopeless.”

Deuce nodded in agreement. “At least it’s finally over... right?”

They're so stupid (affectionate)

Masterlist

[wosofutbolfan]

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

Alexia Putellas x Explorer!R

8.5k Fluff, Fun, Minor Angst

Hi Guys,

This is pt4. in the 'I Would Climb Every Mountain With You" otherwise known as Explorer!R Universe. TW: description of killing an animal.

Highly recommend you read those 3 first, as this is entrenched in lore. Pt 1 can be found here.

It's developed from an ask I received from @karsonromanoff so thank you so much for the idea! I hope I did it justice and I'm sorry for the delay and the words. ha.

This is the first time I've written since my dad died. I'm not being emo or heavy about it but I am asking to please, be kind. I know there's nice people out there but often they're drowned out by the loud haters.

So throw us a comment, like or reblog if you enjoyed. I'm just trying to get back into something that brought me joy. I know I enjoyed writing it.

Also, may be weird for a fic about a spanish gay footballer, but you probably need a good working knowledge of Bear Grylls to understand 80% of this. ha.

As has become tradition, here's the song running though my head when writing! Yes, my music taste remains to be that of someone born in 1962. God love Helen Reddy.

“Vamos Ale! I don’t like to make Miguel wait…” you shout from the kitchen, bag resting on the countertop as you try to fix your bracelet with your left hand,

“Deja de preocuparte, a él no le importa, I will be one minute…” you head called back from the bedroom where your wife had been getting dressed for 2 hours now.

Yes.

Your wife.

Sometimes you couldn’t believe it.

Sometimes the weight of the band on your finger catches you by surprise and you’d remember.

Sometimes Alexia would place her hand on your bare thigh and you could feel the cool metal on your skin and you’d remember.

Sometimes you’d get called “Mrs Putellas” at a school talk, or at the Doctors, and you’d remember.

It felt so natural that sometimes you’d forget that you weren’t always Alexia's wife.

But now you are. And had been for almost 6 months. And married life couldn’t have suited you more.

Your wedding ring was your new favourite accessory, you never took it off.

In a fire you would save Alexia and your ring.

Maybe even your ring first.

It was embossed with the imprint of grass that Alexia has been collecting from each pitch of each game she had played in since you had met. The intricate design brought tears to your eyes as soon as you saw it. Made even worse by the inscription “’cause you are my goal”. 

You would be embarrassed if Alexia hadn’t cried like a toddler when you presented her with the ring you had made for her, which had rock from each of the 7 peaks you had scaled, as well as a granule of sand from the Dead Sea set within it. Integrated into the metal, visible but smooth to the touch. 

The inscription 'every mountain high, every valley low' on the inside of the band.

You knew you’d done good and you knew your Ale well enough to anticipate the absolute mess she would be when presented with it, ensuring you had a pocket full of tissues for the inevitable waterfall.

You weren’t wrong.

You had to assure a passing couple on the trail you had chosen that she was fine, not having a medical incident and you were definitely not mid break-up but in fact exchanging wedding bands early because you knew your fiance well enough she didn’t need her teammates to witness this much of her soft side.

Though you tried, they still saw enough on your wedding day to tease her for the last 6 months with no sign of slowing down.

Though right now your wife's behaviour was nothing but unexpected. You had agreed to attend one of Alexia's events this evening. Since getting married you had felt more of a duty to attend and make up for the years you’d left her carrying her own handbag whilst you trotted over mountains on the other side of the world. 

She insisted that you didn’t have to. Like she always did. You weren’t one for the fancy dresses and the flashing cameras. But you saw the gleam of hope in her eyes as she insisted she would be fine on her own.

You couldn’t let that sparkle dim.

Also you had to set off for a camp in a few days and you had gotten seriously stuck in the honeymoon phase meaning that an evening without your wife by your side wasn’t something you could stomach.

Not that you would admit to being so clingy.

But it wasn’t like Ale to take so long to get ready, neither of you being particularly fussy, usually she would throw on some light makeup, smack your bum whilst you ate nutella off a knife under the hob light, procrastinating getting ready until she dragged you and dropped you into the ensuite, steal a kiss and a spray of perfume, and wait for you whilst watching old football clips in the living room.

But now, as you still struggled to attach the clasp of your bracelet and you had one eye on the poor Barca driver, Miguel, waiting in your driveway, you started to grow frustrated at your wife's sudden vanity.

You smelt her perfume invading your senses as you felt her arms envelope you from behind, moving your uncoordinated left hand away and easily attaching the clasp of your bracelet for you, pressing a kiss to your neck as she did so.

“Finalmente… Let’s g-...” you spoke as you turned in her embrace, finally taking in her attire which stopped you in your tracks.

“Boobs”

You had suddenly turned into a 14 year old boy and you couldn’t explain it.

You had seen your wife naked hundreds of times.

Hundreds of fantastic times.

But here she stood looking, regal. Her hair falling lightly over her face, her dark sparkly dress with wide shoulders and only what you could describe as a boob portal you had been rendered speechless. Mouth gaping open like a fish.

“...Amor?...” you heard the delight in her voice. “Are you listening to me… my eyes are up here.” she jokingly clicked her fingers in front of your face which took you out of your breast-inspired trance.

“Ale you are so beautiful” you looked deeply into her eyes but you didn’t miss the blush rising from her neck. And you meant it. She was. Wow. 

“Do you like it?” she asked, shyly, “You don’t think it’s too much? It’s just the first event we’ve gone to together since we got married and I wanted to…”

You interrupt her but pressing a kiss to her lips, and, well, if you slipped a little tongue in there then fine. She was your wife after all.

“What? Show the world what they're missing out on? I am so proud to stand by your side, my love.” you whispered into her lips, as you toyed with her wedding band. 

You couldn’t help yourself…”and your boobs are fantastic.” 

She barked out a laugh as you leaned back into where you left off, but she took a step back, her heel clicking against the tile floor, to which you let out an annoyed grumble.

“Oi Oi, Mi Amor. What about poor Miguel, he is waiting, Si?” she teased.

“He doesn’t care… Cálla y bésame.”

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You took a deep breath and leaned back on your chair at the round table you found yourself at. Alexia had been pulled from your side which she had stuck to like glue all evening,  to go and present the final award of the evening which she had just done, very sexily if you do say so yourself. All confident and boob-y.

You smiled, imagining her now making small talk backstage, eyes bored but a smile plastered on her face as she tried to make her way back to your table.

Your other table-mates seemed to take the opportunity of the break in the ceremony to raid the free bar put on by the charity. Which seemed very uncharitable of them. But, as you toyed with the rim of your glass, who were you to judge?

Stomach full from a mediocre-mass produced meal and head happily fuzzy from the bubbles you had consumed you found yourself oddly satisfied as you sat here. In this conference room-turned auditorium in the middle of Barcelona, here, loudly and proudly as Alexia's wife.

Mrs Putellas.

You couldn’t help but smile to yourself, you felt weirdly grown-up. With your wife, your house, and your business. You blinked and missed yourself becoming so settled and for once in your life you weren’t terrified of the idea.

You saw the glint in Alexia's eye. When Irene and her wife would come round for dinner and bring their kid. She’d surrender all hostess duties and sit on the living room floor, crawling around at the beck and call of whatever imaginary game the 5 year old insisted on. You’d seen her perfect her lion roar in that very spot. It probably matched the glint in yours when you were grocery shopping and a child being pushed in a trolley would go past shoving cookies into the trolley without their Mother seeing.

Maybe, you thought, maybe it was time…

“It is you! I am so sorry to interrupt. I had to come over to introduce myself. I am such a fan…”

You glanced around, expecting Alexia to be standing over your shoulder and smiling politely at the person who had approached your table to meet her… but you were met with blank space and then you engaged your silly brain and realised the person was speaking English and looking at you and…

Oh My God.

It’s Bear Grylls.

“Oh My God. You’re Bear Grylls.” 

You let out. 

Stupidly.

Standing and thrusting your hand out like an idiot to your legitimate childhood hero.

You and your brother would watch his series for hours as children. Sat cross-legged 2 inches from the TV on your living room floor, eating up every second of his adventures. Your mum had to stop you from eating a woodlouse once in your garden because you’d seen him eat a cricket in the Amazon the evening before. Your brother smacked upside the head for trying to drink a cup of his own wee for the same reason.

Now you were a well-seasoned adventurer yourself you knew that all of that was for theatricks. 

You had spent more than 7 weeks wandering the Amazon yourself once, and not one drop of urine passed your lips. Not one 8 legged insect had you gulped down in one.

But still.

Hero.

He took your hand graciously, as you both sat back down you prepared to barrage him with questions but before you could he jumped right in…

“I have been wanting to meet you for years. But my team said you had disappeared off to Spain and couldn’t be tracked down. Please, I've been desperate to know. .. Tell me all about summiting Orjas del Salado…”

So you told him, and you asked him about his adventures, and you chatted for what could have been hours, sharing stories and advice with Bear-fucking-Grylls.

He blushed as you pointed out his for-TV tricks and you thanked him for being a portal into the wider world from your living room.

At some point you felt Alexia return, a strong hand on your shoulder. You paused your monologue about Patagonia and giddily took her hand in yours, introducing them to each other. 

Polite pleasantries exchanged you could tell she had legitimately no idea what was going on or who this middle-aged English guy at your table was, but judging from your excited eyes, she didn’t need to interrupt.

It didn’t take too long for someone from his team to pull him away for an interview with the charity. But as you stood to say your goodbyes he made an offer, “You know, me and the production company are making a special about survival in the Alps… I would love for you to be a guest star.”

You stood there like a gaping fish for a moment. “Really?” you asked, in wonder, your 7 year old self spinning around in glee in your chest. Alexia smiling up at you from her chair at the joy in your voice.

“Of course! I would be honored, it’s especially about how to survive in an Avalanche situation. Obviously, with what happened in Nepal…you are an expert in that fie…”

At that point, Alexia stopped her polite silence she had been maintaining whilst you had your moment with your childhood hero. And abruptly stood, clutching your hand hard in both of hers, stern look on her face.

“No.”

From the look on his face you gathered that this successful upper-middle class white English man had not been told no too often, and a beat of silence followed which Alexia was more than happy to fill.

“Sorry Señor Oso. She doesn’t do snow now. Thank you for the offer though.”

She said it with such finality that even you didn’t think to question it. Her mis-translation brought a smile to your face. Her hands still encompassed yours, her eyes didn’t leave his face. As though daring him to rebuff her.

He looked at you as though to confirm she could answer for you. Of course she could. But you knew this refusal wasn’t just about you, but about her also. You knew the anxiety it would cause her for you to put yourself in that situation wasn’t worth anything on this planet.

Nevermind the trauma it would dredge up for you. So obviously, you agreed.

“Sorry Mr Grylls. Not my rodeo anymore. I’ve got some contacts though who you could work with” you politely confirmed your refusal and felt Alexias hands lessen their grip on yours in relief.

“No, no, of course. Sorry. But no. I would really love for you to be involved in the series. We have an episode about promoting women in outdoor pursuits. It's still on the drawing board, but if you are interested I’ll get our people to liaise with each other!”

“That sounds amazing but… I don’t have any people for you to…”

“Don’t be silly Mi Amor” Alexia interrupts again, hand still in yours and the other expertly reaching into her clutch and pushing a card into his outstretched hand… “We have people. Please, Oso, be in touch.”

Smiling vaguely and confusedly at your wife, still clearly mildly terrified of her, he takes the card as he's dragged away by his handler. He's probably still in hearing distance as you squeal in glee and throw yourself into your wife's arms, making her spin with the momentum.

“Ale, Ale, Ale!!! Do you know who that was….” you exclaim.

She can’t help but laugh aloud at your antics, soft look on her face as she lifts you lightly off the ground to stop your spin.

“Si Mi Amor, ese era el hombre oso de la televisión. Tu favorito.” she replies with a smile on her face, speaking softly, somehow, in the middle of this event where she was the guest star, making you feel as though you were the only person in the universe.

“No.” you corrected “..eres mi favorito.” You sealed your words with a light kiss to her lips, chaste but warm.

“Ah, Si. And you have had some wine. You always get soft after wine.” she lightly rolls her eyes with affection at your gushing over her.

It’s your turn to roll your eyes as you pull her into a soft sway, your childhood hero quickly forgotten now you’re in the company of your wife.

Though the giddiness in your bones from your encounter remains.

“Si the wine.” you agree moving your lips close to her ear as you whisper, breath dancing against her cheek, your hand moves to her chest and you feel her breath falter at your closeness,

“but also your boobs.” and you quickly poke her exposed chest between her breasts before she can stop you, and you move away from her pulling her behind you as you rush off to the bar.

“Amor!” she cackles.

“Vamos Ale! A La Barra!”

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Estoy Muerta.”

You grumble in complaint into the chest of the warm and moving pillow that you had clearly settled on in the night.

“Shh Ale.”

“Me estoy muriendo y a mi esposa no le importa.”

“You are not dying Ale. You are hungover and over 30”, you mumble in reply, moving away from resting on her chest, the heat becoming too much for your own fuzzy brain.

“Explain to me how that is different.” she doesn’t take kindly to your light chuckle in reply, as you move your hand to cover your eyes from the sunlight starting to bleed through the curtains.

You peek an eye open and see the remnants of your previous night strewn across the bedroom floor.

You take in the glorious dress of your wifes thrown across your chest of drawers. You recall unzipping it with your mouth after making very good use of the boob portal. Much to Alexia's delight.

You had probably taken it a little bit too far at the bar. Your giddiness let your binge-drinking brit out a little too much.

You had a flash of memory at dancing on a table at a dive bar in the town centre, before being brought down by Alba who you had called and demanded come and dance the night away.

Meanwhile Alexia had been in the corner trying to drunkenly explain to Mapi a set of complicated tactics that they should try out at an additional training session in the morning.

“I thought you had scheduled extra training today Ale” you teased after taking in her pasty complexion as you rolled over and settled back down onto your, cooler, side of the bed.

“I hate you.” she replied, quite seriously, as she moulded herself against your back, taking your hand in hers and burying her face into the back of your neck.

“Of course you do, dear, it feels like it.” you tease again, wiggling yourself and making her grumble again.

You rest there for a few moments, before you’re dragged onto your back again and pulled into Alexia's embrace as she moves you around like her own personal teddy bear.

You go with the flow, quite used to your wife's clingy nature, especially when she didn't feel well.

But your silence doesn’t last two minutes before she rolls you over again, now onto your back, “Oh bloody hell, where are we going now.” you mumble, as she rests her head on your chest this time, nuzzling into your breasts.

“me estoy poniendo cómodo.” she mutters into your bosom, “allá. ahora estoy cómodo”. You run your hands through her hair, smiling down at your wife who is practically purring at the attention.

“Bebé…”, you make a noise of affirmation.

“Will you…” you know what she wants, and you know she must be feeling bad if she’s asking for attention.

“Si, my love. voy a trenzar tu cabello. One big plait or lots of little ones?”. 

“The tingly ones por favor” she mumbles into your chest. Your heart expands at her adorableness, never quite learning the English for ‘french plait’ they became known as the ‘tingly ones’ in your household, because of the feeling she would get as you plaited her wet hair after a game, hands working through her scalp. 

It brings a smile to your face and you can see the lovesick smile on hers where it is squished against your chest.

You start to section out her hair as she lies still, your ministrations slowly putting her to sleep, working methodically in the quiet morning.

Moving strand over strand in intricate braids, lightly tugging her scalp and undoing when it's not perfect and redoing, giving her an extra scratch to the soft skin behind her ear when you get there, knowing it's her most sensitive spot. Receiving a sleepy purr in satisfaction as your reward.

You hear the animals from the national park outside, feel the sun starting to warm the room around you. Her chest rising and falling against yours hypnotising you further into the moment. You’ve got grand plans, brunch and a walk along the beach in your mind, maybe a lazy afternoon swim, hold on no. Maybe a lazy afternoon skinny dip. Yeah.

That sounds good.

You’ve almost finished tying off the last plait when you are startled back into the moment by the buzzing of your wifes phone on the bedslide table.

You fight back a smile at the groan that is emitted from your fully grown-pro-athlete-wife.  It resembled that of a teenager who’d been asked to clean their room or no dessert. When she doesn’t go to make a move you nudge her shoulder.

“Ale. Ale, your phone."

“No.”

“Yes."

“No."

“C'mon Ale.” you reach across and pick the phone up. “It could be important. It could be your secret wife wondering where you are.”

She rolls off you at your tease, throwing you a glare that resembles more of an angry kitten than anything, “It could not be, she knows where I am. I snuck out whilst you were dancing on the tables in that last bar to make plans for dinner.”

“Ah, Si of course. My mistake.”

She surges up and gives you a completely unnecessary chaste kiss, as though even the joke is too much and she has to confirm she’s kidding. The phone has stopped vibrating against the bedside table and the silence that settles over you both is welcome.

“How are you so okay? I feel like I have been run over by a truck.” she states as she rubs her face, finally sitting up to start the day.

“You are old.

“I am 2 months older than you.”

“Two, very long, months my darling.” you tap her cheek lightly as you move to get out of bed, throwing on one of her oversized t-shirts you find on the floor.

“Seria, how?” she asks again, now sprawling across the space you have vacated.

“I am English. I once did a vodka shot through my eyeball in the park. I was 14.” you state, plainley, eyebrow raised in challenge as she just looks at you, open mouthed.

“Ojalá no hubiera preguntado.” she mutters, as her phone starts to ring again.

“Ale, phone.” you say, just to annoy her.

“¡lo sé!” you hear thrown at you, as you head downstairs to set some food out for Billy-the-Goat, and make a coffee for your dying wife.

Soon after, you feel her presence behind you as you stir her coffee, turning as you feel her hands wrap around your waist and presenting her coffee and she takes it from you as though it's a ballon d’or. She takes a sip before she presses a kiss to your head.

“That was my agent.”

Your heart drops, and you can’t help the petulant whine that leaves your lips.

“No, Ale! I wanted to spend the day together. Try that new brunch place Alba told us about. Have a swim, just be together. Whatever brand needs you can wait. Tell them no, please” you finish your little monologue with a pout, and you feel a childish frustration rise as a laugh teases against her lips.  You don’t get very far when a kiss is pressed against your lips.

“Well that sounds like the perfect hangover cure Mi Amor. Do you not want me to tell you what it is before I tell them no though?” there's something in her taunt, a glint in the eye that makes you think twice as your mouth already wraps around the refusal.

You take a moment too long apparently, and she takes things into her own hands as she clutches her coffee happily and spins around, “I’ll tell them no! Don’t worry Mi Amor…” teasing lilt in her tone. Whatever the news is, it has pulled her from her hangover.

You wait a beat

Another.

“Fine, What is it!” you groan out in defeat, hands raised to the sky, Alexias t-shirt riding high on your thighs as you raise your arms.

Your wife turns and is distracted momentarily by the flesh on display. Before you cough and she remembers what she's supposed to be doing. Coy smile on her face returning.

“That was my agent…” you huff out at her drawing out the anticipation. “Or should I say our agent.” your brow furrows in confusion as she continues… “she has been contacted by a muy interesado oso.”

Realisation starts to dawn on you, memories of the previous night flashing in your mind and you can’t help the grin that forms.

“Si, Mi Amor. It turns out he really meant it. She said they were willing to offer anything to get you on. She’s getting the details now and will contact us again after our day together today to see if you are interested”.

“I am interested!” you exclaim with glee, Alexia throwing her head back in laughter.

“I know Amor, but let's let them sell it to you. You need the details. Though… I am sure it is no more dangerous than ojos de vodka.”

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hola, love!” you shout into your empty hallway, hands full of groceries, you shuck off your trainers, hearing them thump against the wall as you struggle into the kitchen.

Tonight was the premiere of “Man Vs Woman” , the special episode of your and Bear's adventure. After the offer was made you met with the TV production company via Zoom to go through ideas.

You pretended you didn’t know Alexia was standing just outside the door to your study, listening and clearly deciding if she thought it was too dangerous or not. At least that's what you deduced from her interrupting with a cup of tea every time a particularly hairy idea was mentioned.  

When you brought this up with her you pretended you didn't see her blush creeping up from her neck. Because you’re her wife and it was the wifely thing to do.

The concept was a really cool one. You were excited from the start. The idea was that you and Bear would both be dropped in an inhospitable environment with a map and a knife and nothing else. Neither of you would be told what type of environment but you had assurances in your contract that it wouldn’t involve snow. You had 28 days to get to the muster point. Whoever got there first won.

Simple.

Convincing Alexia it was really cool. Less simple.

“Amor what if there are animals!”

“I know how to avoid dangerous animals. And there will be a medical team on standby,”

“What if you fall and cut yourself on your knife."

“What if you get tackled and break your leg?”

“That's different. What if you lose your map and can’t find your way out and you have to live out there forever”

“I will always find my way back to you.”

“What If-”

“Ale.”

You stopped her rambling with a kiss and when you pulled away you looked deeply in her eyes.

“Que pasa I miss you too much?” eyes wide and vulnerable.

There we go. Her real source of anxiety.

You had spent more time apart than most couples but since you scaled down your travels you had fallen into a sweet domesticity you could admit was a struggle to pull yourself from. 28 days plus the week before to get to the location is longer than you’d like. But it was an adventure of a lifetime. Maybe… maybe your last adventure? The thoughts had been creeping in more and more recently.

Of early mornings chasing more than sunrises, maybe rising due to a baby's babble instead?

You’d made sure that Alexia really knew how much you’d miss her the night before you flew out. On reflection maybe you should have rested your muscles a little more before such a physically demanding month but. Be serious. Look who your wife was. 

You are not God's strongest soldier.

So, off you had gone. Competing against your childhood hero for all of womanhood. And you couldn’t lie. You loved it.

Being blindfolded and dropped in an unknown location was exhilarating. Learning the land as you went, with only a map and a knife in hand it was one of the biggest challenges of your life.

The team had made good on their promise and the tropical rainforest you were in couldn’t be further from a snowy mountain range.

You’d refused to let anything slip to Alexia in the 3 months you’d been back. Lips tightly sealed no matter what she tried. You wanted her to be surprised and watch it in real time with you. In all the games you'd attended since you had to deal with an injured Mapi yapping your ear off whilst you tried to concentrate on the game, probing for hints about if you won, what you won, where you were, if you wrestled a snake, how big was the snake you’d wrestled.

“Maria stop with the snake!” you’d finally snapped during the tense quarter final of the Queen's cup.

Which had worked.

For all of two seconds.

“What did the snake taste like?”

You’d originally planned to go home to England with Alexia to watch the premier with your family. But then a schedule mess-up in the league had meant that Ale had to play in a rescheduled game the day after the premier. It just didn’t work for her to come to England.

She insisted you still go, but you refused. You wanted to watch her game. And you knew she’d need you when the show was on. Even if she didn’t know that yet.

You started to unpack your groceries mindlessly, you’d picked some great snacks for the evenings viewing, you suddenly were hit with how suspiciously peaceful your house was, though, you were sure you’d seen Alexia's car in the drive.

“Ale! Love!, ¡Estoy en casa! Come help me unpack!” You shouted into your empty kitchen, back turned to your living room, you had a few hours before the show was on air, “I got that ice-cream you like! I know it gives you a tummy ache sometimes but don’t worry, I'll rub your tummy how you like afte…”

“Amor!”

You turned around at the panic in her voice, “Wha–”

“SURPRISE!”

Ale stood in your living area, face reddening, surrounded by her closest Barca teammates as well as Mario, his ever pregnant wife and his kids, your mum and brother as well as Eli and Alba. Everyone comically in paper party hats and some lop-sided bunting was up above your couch,

“HOPE YOU BEAT THE BEAR SNAKE!” it read, and you immediately knew who was on the decoration committee.

You jumped in surprise, dropping the ice cream and immediately ran into your mum's open arms, “Mum! You’re here!” you squealed into her neck, hiding the tears that had appeared in her presence.

“I am, love. Alexia literally wouldn’t let us refuse the flight. She pretended she didn’t understand English when we tried to at least pay for it. And you know I have a 265 day streak on duolingo but my accent must need work because she didn’t understand my Spanish.”

You pulled yourself from her neck with a wet laugh and transferred yourself into your wifes open and familiar strong arms. “Aleeee” you whined. She knew you meant thank you. And I love you. And you mean the world to me. But you were too British to do that infront of people.

“You need to stop pretending you don’t speak English when you don’t like what you hear.” you muttered without malice after placing a kiss below her ear.

“I know amor. I love you too. And your family needed to be here for your big moment! You couldn’t miss this with them because of me. And then also. Mapi happened and now we’re having a viewing party! There's a cake!”

“And Ice Cream Ale! Don’t worry, I’ve saved it! Though we don’t want your barriga to hu-” Mapi stands the space you'd just vacated holding up the abandoned and slightly battered carton of ice cream. She's stopped from her gleeful teasing by Ingrid covering her entire face with one big palm.

“We wanted to be here to support you.” Ingrid interrupted her girlfriend, addressing you kindly.

“We all did!” you hear from Alba in the back, already tucking into the buffet set up on the coffee table, paper hat skew-whiff on her head. You have never felt so loved. It was perfect.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, when are you going to tell her you’re ready for them?”

You are brought out of your daydream by Ingrid sidling up to you and addressing you with her familiar soft lilt.

“Huh?”

She doesn’t reply vocally, just nods her head towards your wife, who is currently having a very intense game of 2v2 in your garden with 2 of Marios youngest and Mapi.

The kids little legs making them toddle around after the small ball adorably, Mapi and Ale giving soft touches they would easily catch up with.

You can’t help but laugh out loud as Ale takes Mapi by surprise and takes a shot against her hard, the ball catching her bare thigh in a manner which must have left a sting much to the small Spaniard's disdain.

Her and the two kids start to chase Alexia around the garden, dramatically tackling her as she suddenly becomes some sort of football monster, rolling around and blowing raspberries on their stomachs as Mapi cheers her toddler army on from the sidelines.

You feel another knock against your arm, dislodging your hand which is supporting your head as you lean over the breakfast bar facing the garden. Lovesick looks clearly on your face, going off Ingrid's coy smile.

“You know, barn. Kids. Munchkins…”

“Yeah, Yeah I get it Ingrid…” you steal another look outside at your more-often-than-not-stern wife getting grass stains on her comfy shorts for the entertainment of your best friends' kids, suddenly you feel like being really really honest. You turn to Ingrid with a shy smile of your own, “soon.”

Her face lights up, teeth on display unable to disguise her smile. “Yeah?” she asks, before turning to look towards the garden, “Me too.”

You smile to yourself and drop your head onto the dark haired girl's shoulder, you both taking a moment to watch your partners play with the kids. The moment is ruined by your mum mussing up your hair on her way past,

“Come on Love, we need to wrangle these last-minute spaniards, it starts in 10 minutes!”

She had a point to be fair. A very chaotic 8 minutes later you practically push Eli into her seat on the couch after she tries to get another plate full of food for Mario’s wife, “¡Está llena de Eli! ella esta embarazada no tiene hambre!” you cheekily remind her, your wife looking up at you from her place on the floor with tender eyes.

“And you…” you turn your attention towards her as you make your way to your seat, “get up here.” you demand, patting the empty space next to you.

“I’m bueno down here Mi Amor, me and Bruno can watch from down here.” she insists. the 4 year old of Marios nestled on her stomach, her arms wrapped around his sleeping form where he attached himself to her after being forced back inside.

You hesitate for a moment, not watching to make a scene or be too needy in front of all your closest family and friends, but you knew that Ale would need to be within touching distance of you in the next hour. 

You’re about to make your peace with it when Mario glaces your way. You and Mario have worked together for years. Years before you met Ale and the girls.

You’ve battled more than just bears together. Weeks spent isolated in the mountains. And a bond like that means that you can communicate with just a look.

With just that glance he’s up and pulling his toddler into his own burley arms. Bruno remaining in his deep sleep through the change.

“I’ve got el monstruo Ale. Go sit with your wife."

She doesn’t need any more direction, the small interaction is subtle and missed by everyone, except your brother who sends you an exaggerated puppy dog look.

“Fuck off” you throw at him, finger in the air, quickly grabbed by Alexia, “Hey, I thought you wanted me to sit here!” she teases, sending your brother a wink.

“Stop ganging up on me…!” you’re about to protest further before you’re shushed by Mapi, of all people, sitting on the floor between Ingrid's legs who sits on the couch above her. “It's about to start!”

She has a point, a familiar British accent fills the living room, Spanish subtitles appearing on the bottom of the screen for the Spanish contingent. Bear’s voice is as dramatic as ever, long sweeping scenes fill the screen of intense jungle, a crocodile and an action shot of a snake thrown in for good measure.

“Serpiente!” Mapi shouts, pointing at the screen, before Ingrid hushes her and pulls her back against her legs. 

           “We all know by now that humans are masters of the jungle. But the unanswered question remains. Is it the King, or Queen of the Jungle? Find out tonight in Man V Woman.”

The title fills the screen with a dramatic crescendo of music. Your friends and family whooping as though it's the champions league final. Alexia barely contains her excitement next to you. You had been steadfast in your refusal to tell anyone the outcome.

The next shot is a recognisable one, the sound of trees being hacked with a machete accompanies a close up of a muddy puddle set deep in the jungle, until the water is disturbed by a ever-familiar battered boot stomping in the puddle, blaugrana laces pulled tight, as proudly as ever.

This prompts another wild round of jeering from the crowd around you as the camera pans out and reveals your full profile as Alexia places a loving kiss onto your shoulder, “That's my wife!” she shouts, proudly, making you laugh. 

Bear's voice over continues as you pull Alexia's hand into yours, half pulling her on top of you, she gives you a peculiar look, this being more PDA than you would usually allow in front of your English family, but she goes with it, too full of pride to be worried otherwise.

As the voiceover continues, highlights of your career flash across the screen to introduce you to the audience.

Mountains in Peru, Arctic Explorations, Treks across Siberia, all flash across the screen, mixed in with childhood pictures your mum must have supplied painting a picture of your career so far and your expertise in your career.

The music turns more dramatic as you shift uncomfortably, being the only one to realise in the room what's about to happen.

A picture of you smiling with Arjan at the peak of Everest, ice picks raised proudly in the air. You feel Alexia stiffen on your lap, ever so subtly. Stock footage of snow hurling down a mountain as Bear describes the avalanche you got trapped in.

He gives out stats and figures to heighten the drama… “your chance of survival drops 3% every minute you are trapped after the first 15 minutes… being trapped for 2 days… our guest star did the unthinkable…”

The room is bathed in a white light as the screen changes. Camera shaky and audio changing to the shouts and heavy breaths of whoever the body worn camera is strapped too. “Yahām̐, Yahām̐, she is here!”

The camera catches Arjan digging desperately, it's clear now the camera is strapped to a rescuer on the slopes of Everest, the TV production company having access to the footage through a sister company who were filming a documentary about altitude rescue at the time.

It shakes as the man helps dig, grunts of exertion as the spade digs desperately. A flash of colour and your snow suit is revealed, face pressed up against the rock you had found shelter near.

Arjan clears snow from your face desperately and puts his head close to yours, “She’s breathing!” he pulls you up and your hand, satellite phone frozen in place, falls from the side of your ghostly white face as the camera fades out.

The whole segment couldn’t have lasted more than 32 seconds. But it had felt like time had slowed. You could feel from her placement on you that Alexia hadn’t taken a breath. Her eyes remained wide as she stared at the screen.

There was a heaviness in the room around you. 

The voiceover continued, explaining the challenge to the audience but the silence continued. Eli glances at her daughter worriedly, every few seconds.

Just as you thought the tension couldn’t get any more intense… “That's what Alexia looks like when she visits England for Christmas and mum won’t let us put the heating on.” your brother jokes, awkwardly, a crooked smile on his boyish face. 

The room is silent, your mum hiding a smile behind a hand only you notice. He goes to speak again, probably to apologise when-

Alexias' laugh shocks even you, bubbling up from deep within her chest. She closes her eyes, a stray tear escaping at the pressure. Laugh still rumbling deep in her chest, slowly the room joins in, as though they’ve been given permission, and soon your in a choir of laughing spectators, your brother blushing deep red at the attention.

“Thank you” you mouth to him across the room, as you wrap your hands around your wife, whos body still shakes with the odd giggle.

He tips an imaginary hat at you in return.

Because he is an idiot.

The challenge begins, unhelpfully, with you throwing yourself out of a helicopter into the rainforest, “Oh Dios Mio” she mumbles, heard subtly under Mapis, “Cool!”.

You press your lips against her shoulder again and mutter into her skin; “I am here, I am warm, I am Safe.” Like a mantra, you feel her nod and grip your hand tighter.

The thing about being in the environment completely opposite to an avalanche inducing mountain range, was that it was hot. Hot and wet. The camera follows both you and Bear as you struggle through the elements seperatly, deciding when to camp down and preserve energy and when to try to gain more miles.

Bear goes hard, and Mapi looks up at you aghast as you decide to build a shelter and bunker down for seven days straight. The heat zapping any energy you had.

“What are you doing! It's a race!” she exclaims, to which you laugh and zip your mouth closed with your fingers, cocking an eyebrow at her as she eagerly looks back towards the TV like a small child.

You spend two days collecting water and, seemingly, according to Mapi, wasting time cutting palm leaves and collecting bark to make twine. Meanwhile Bear is hacking down trees, making spears out of sticks and rock and throwing himself at seemingly anything that would give him a bit of protein on the move.

You’ve ridden yourself of most of your clothing due to the heat. Smothering yourself in mud from the riverbank you were camped next to, you explain to the camera its sun-cream qualities and how it’s safer than clothing as it also protects you from dehydration. 

All the while you weave and weave and weave your leaves together, quietly, assuredly.

You explain to the camera; “I am a master weaver. My wife likes it when I plait her hair. Alot. She’s cute. Sorry Ale.” you wink at the camera as your wife groans on your lap and  her teammates start to tease her, “Amor! Why!”

“Now. Let's see how this works!”  you grin and pull up a large basket to the camera.

The screen shows you scantily dressed, boots safely on a rock in the background, in the river, moving twigs into position to make a run for the fish to swim directly into your basket.

You explain the contraception, set some bait and say your goodnights to the camera, crossing your fingers for a full basket in the morning.

Cheerful music begins as the camera fades back into your campfire, fish on a stick roasting and cooking heavenly, your muddied but smiling face coming into view.

“Bear can eat his roaches and drink his wee. I’ll be here with my fish buffet!” You joke, under your shelter, camera panning to tens of fish in your basket waiting to be smoked.

The next scene shows Bear explaining the protein benefits and the unusual flavours of a witchetty grub as he struggles against the rainstorm. 

The music begins to ramp up. Graphics on the screen showing both of your progress. Bear has made much more progress than you. But struggling physically. He’s developed a terrible case of trench foot but was still making steady progress with his machete.

You chose to travel up the river. Walking along its bed you are able to make more direct progress, but it’s more energy draining wading through water. You have, however, had a relatively strong diet over the last 3 weeks.

You’re sitting on the river bed, tending to your basket of smoked fish you’re carrying with you for energy when you suddenly remain completely stock still. Dramatic music begins. Your head raises subtly and then out of nowhere.

“Serpentine!”

A snake strikes at you from the shallows, clearly after your basket, or you, or whatever it can get its fangs in. You react quickly, crouching down to your knees, keeping a low centre of gravity to keep your balance as your right hand reaches into the shallows.

You and the snake strike at the same time, and you throw yourself to the side as you bash a jagged rock against its head.

The next scene shows you taking a mouthful of grilled snake; “Tastes like chicken!” you joke at the camera. Before popping a piece of charred snake skin into your mouth.

You feel Alexia shudder in your arms.

"I'm never kissing you again" she lies.

Mapi slowly turns around, mouth agape, gobsmacked look on her face. “Snake!” she whispers, in disbelief. “You beat a snake!” You can’t help but laugh and lean over to turn her head back to the TV.

“Told you you’d find everything out tonta.”

The map on screen shows the last day of the challenge, Bear's voice over explaining distances to the muster points, as well as geographical challenges. The screen swaps quickly between the two of you, running, climbing and swimming to where you both believed the finish line to be.

You were making good progress, as was Bear.

A close up of a Brazilian flag on the edge of a waterfall.

A close up of you throwing yourself into the river.

Bear gripping a cliff edge and heaving himself up. The camera shows the bottom of the flag pole as he pulls himself up. The camera pans up. And the flagpole is bare.

The screen changes to you.

Standing, still relatively scantily clad in your battered boots, your hiking shorts cut down to short-shorts and thin vest muddied and holey, fish blood staining your arms,holding the flag proudly up in one arm.

The room around you erupts. “She did it!” “¡Jefe de la Jungla!!!!” “I always knew!”, “She killed a snake!”. You find yourself at the bottom of a pile of bodies as Alexia's teammates celebrate in the way they know how. Which is apparently to throw themselves at you in a pile up.

“That's my wife!” Alexia chants proudly from within the pile, laughing gleefully, all earlier angst forgotten.

The screen goes blank, and the image shows you and Bear embracing, laughing as the voiceover continues; “... at least this time. It's a Queen of the jungle… or should I say. La Reina de la Jungla.” Bear quips, as Alexia groans, forever hating her nickname, and the screen cuts to black.

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s hours later, many more plates of food, celebration toasts and questions from Mapi about the snake later. That you're finally in the quiet of your bedroom in your wife's arms.

Your mum and brother are set up in the spare rooms and you have all got plans to meet up with the Alexias family at the game tomorrow before going out for a meal.

Your head is settled on her chest as she plays on her phone above you, struggling to calm down from the evening's events, and as usual, struggling to sleep before a game.  You play with her wedding ring on her spare hand. Feeling the cool metal beneath against her warm skin.

You feel her swipe furiously through her phone, getting more agitated as time passes, grumbles that are not-quite words emitting from her chest.

“Hey. Love.” you sit up and pull her phone away. “What's the matter?”

“Nothing.” she replies, bottom lip out in a pout, pulling her phone back into her hand.

“It’s not nothing. Tell me.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Alexia.” you sigh, “We aren't doing this.. What's got you so…” you look down onto her phone and see. Yourself? It's her tiktok open and you see an edit of the show being played over… “Hot Stuff? Ale. What's this?” you glance at the comments section and see a selection from seemingly anon accounts;  

‘I have never understood Alexia more’, ‘I wonder who calls who capi.’ ,‘Capi, your wife's thighs are bigger than yours’.

“Nothing!” she grabs her phone back from your grip… you arch an eyebrow at her which crumbles her resolve in 3…2…

“Fine! It's all over my TikTok.  The comments about you. The fans have made these edits. Of you! All, wet and… muscley and… nearly undressed.”

“And you…don’t… like me wet, and muscled and… naked? Cause, love, I have evidenced otherwis…”

“Shut up! Of course I do but you're mine!”

Oh. Realisation dawns on you and you can’t help but smile.

“Don’t laugh!” she grumbles. “You’re jealous….” you tease in a sing-song voice. “I am not jealous!” she insists, “It's just… tu eres mio! And these people are all looking at you”.

“I am,” you agree, with a smile. “But, love. Try being married to Alexia Putellas. Maybe you’ll keep your shirt on at games now.” you tease, making her smile and roll her eyes.

Eyes softening as you pull her phone from her grip and plug it in for her. Settling back into her chest, nuzzling against the warm skin you find there.

“I am so proud of you.” she whispers into the now dark room, placing a kiss on your head. The moment became more serious and tender.

“I love you” you reply, softly, the moment feels weighted, and you’re not sure what makes you do it. Maybe it's the adrenaline of the evening, having completed your life's ambition, or maybe it's the wine you drank.

Though, really, you know it's because of the images of your lanky wife curling herself onto the rug in the living room because Bruno had decided she was the world's best pillow again. But you can’t stop yourself.

“Ale. I want to have kids with you.”

Her hand stops its movement in your hair and she rushes over to turn the bedside lamp back on.

“Que?” she breathes out. Hands finding their place softly on your cheeks, a look of urgency in her eyes.

“I want us to have kids. Me and you. I want that with you. Is that something you’re ready for?” you whisper, eyes looking deeply into hers.

“En serio?” she asks, as though she's afraid of the answer.

You nod in response. Moving your hand to wipe away the tears that have appeared on her cheeks.

“Sí, Mi Amor. Quiero eso contigo. Mucho.”

You're both smiling too much to kiss, but you make a good go of it anyway. And as you bury yourself into your wife's arms. Hands roaming and adrenaline of a decision made rushing through your body you can't help but think.

This is the beginning of the biggest adventure of your life. 

[russo-woso]

I’ve got you || Leah Williamson

Prompt list here. Request here.

Summary the moment you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with Leah

Warning smut 18+, cunnilingus

You and Leah had been together for just over three months and you were ready to take that next step.

The thing is, you’d never slept with a woman before.

In fact, before Leah, you’d never been with a woman, Leah being the first one.

Your relationship with Leah was unplanned, the two of you both looking for relationships, but after the incident, you became closer and closer, the two of you falling for each other.

The incident was one that was purely accidental.

Leah was busy looking at her phone and you were too busy trying to run after your dog to realise that a gorgeous blonde was right in front of you.

The two of you in your own bubbles resulted in them being popped as you fell on top of each other.

From that moment on, you made another bubble, this bubble was different though.

This bubble had you and Leah both in it.

Now, three months into your life in the bubble, you were willing to take your relationship further but you were scared.

You weren’t scared about anything to do with Leah, you were scared that you wouldn’t be good enough. Or that you wouldn’t do something right.

So when Leah asked you to stay the night, your heart fluttered for a number of different reasons.

You hummed softly, wanting to spend as much time possible with her.

Putting on a film, you cuddled into Leah’s chest, but you couldn’t concentrate on the movie.

You were excited as to what could come.

You were nervous.

You were happy.

When you lifted your head to see Leah, you saw her blue eyes looking back at you.

They were soft and examined your face with deep concentration.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the film?” Leah teased, a smile appearing on her face.

“I could ask you the same thing.” You replied back.

“I’ve got a better view here.” Leah said flirtatiously, sending you a wink.

“You’re a sweet talker, Williamson.”

“Only to pretty girls.” Leah smirked, and you rolled your eyes at her.

“Saying I’m pretty, are you?” You questioned

“Very.” Leah said quietly as you both leaned in.

Your lips connected together and it was just as magical as your first kiss with Leah.

The kiss turned lustful quickly, your tongues exploring each other’s mouths.

Leah’s fingers brushed against your bare skin from where your shirt had raised up.

She grabbed ahold of your shirt, helping to take it over your head.

“Le…” You said, breaking the kiss but placing your lips straight back onto hers.

“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” Leah told you, rubbing your hips comfortingly.

“No, I want to. Really badly, but I don’t know how to. I’ve never done this with a girl.” You admitted

“I’ll show you. I’ll teach you.” Leah said, and you nodded, kissing her once more. “Bedroom?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, a smile on your face, as Leah guided you up the stairs, your lips not leaving one another’s.

The next five minute was spent taking each other’s clothes off, admiring each other.

“You’re so gorgeous.” Leah mumbled against the valley of your breasts.

“Le, please hurry…” you mumbled, pressing her head more into your skin.

“Patience, baby.” Leah smirked again you.

Leah kissed down your abdomen before finally becoming level with your aching core.

“Le…” you sighed, desperate to feel something.

“I’ll go slow.” Leah told you, and you nodded, your heart melting at the thoughtfulness. “Tell me if you need to stop.”

Leah’s tongue made its way through your folds, your mouth dropping at the sensation.

Leah let out a moan at the taste of you, grabbing ahold of your thighs so she could get more of you.

“Fuck, you taste so good, baby.”

“Harder, le.” You told her as you pulled lightly at her hair.

Her tongue exerted more pressure on your clit as it flicked at it constantly.

“Oh my god, le. This feels incredible.” You said, moaning between every few words.

“God, I could be here all day.” Leah mumbled, sending shivers down your spine.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum, Leah. Fuck, ‘m coming.” You almost screamed, your high approaching fast.

"Shh, that's it, cum for me. I’ve got you.” Leah told you, grabbing your hands, rubbing her thumbs over your skin.

Leah helped to ride out your high before coming up to place a delicate kiss on your lips.

Holding you in her arms, Leah whispered sweet nothings in your ear whilst pressing gently kisses on your forehead.

You cuddled in closer to Leah, wanting to be as close to her as possible.

At that moment, you know exactly what your future looked like.

And it definitely had Leah in it.

[0ynes]

"celestial dragons are too over the top evil"

I'm not sorry, but does seeing how truly evil the upper class of this world in your manga bother you? Poor little baby can't pretend his manga is not political, especially when all of this is happening right now in the real world.

[diminuel]

If Rocks is alive and Luffy’s Grandpa then Luffy fighting Big Mom and Kaido gets 100x funnier

Rocks: *proud and disappointed at the same time* The fuck you mean you got your ass kicked by my grandbaby? He’s a baby!

Kaido and Big Mom: *convinced they’re in some weird blood loss dream* That’s not a baby it’s a fucking demon!

X'DDD Rocks has always been insane so of course he wouldn't get that that baby is definitely hell spawn X'D

(I'm just making things up about Rocks and his interactions with his former crew btw, I haven't reread the God Valley Incident yet *lol*)