#god todays been such an emotional day
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say hi to me i don't know, i just remembered being so much brighter, i guess
cigarette ash like wildfire burning holes in the nighttime open scars feel like barbed wire white lies flying high like a ceasefire dropping flags on the shoreline this is as far as i can feel right 'cause what you don't know can haunt you
and all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think for a while
don't drag it out living like that doesn't mean a thing
so let's, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars 'cause happy endings hardest to fake
and i wanna let you know i wanna let you go but i just can't bring myself to speak but this is how it goes the end credits, they roll this bridge was built over kerosene but we can watch it and all i ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think
so let's run, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars you can wish away forever but you'll never find a thing like today
#miraculous ladybug#felix fathom#marinette dupain cheng#felix graham de vanily#🌃#ml amv#felinette felinette felinette FELINETTE#i'm shrimping so hard i'm gromping i'm making absolute tempura#yes the 2 am coco pops félix post was made while i was finishing this yes i am constantly experiencing inconsolable félix feelings#félings even. GOD GOD GOD okay listen#i could do a line by line analysis of this song and how i made the amv i have too many thoughts to put in the tags i am exploding#but in summary REPRESENTATION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPLIQUE. FUCK ME#félix's trauma an open scar leading her to the art room as far as both of them will go to feel right#ALL HE EVER WANTED WAS TO KEEP ADRIEN AND THEN MARINETTE SAFE#it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark huAHUAHHGAG I MTHRWOING UP it's how he doesn't care what she thinks of him#how she sees him whether she hates him he's Chosen her as someone to protect and he will DO IT he will TAKE HER WHEN HE RUNS#i don't care if you beat me i know i have this under control and i'm protecting you and everything is going to be okay EXPLOIDNGNIG#tomorrow is a mile away tomorrow where i find out who you are tomorrow where we have to come apart#this is how it GOES you're the hero i'm the villain adrien is the lover i'm the monster i'm the cousin#marinette and félix and Knowing each other is so#THEY DESERVE SO MANY OTHER DAYS THEY DESERVE TO SLOW DOWN AND BE WITH EACH OTHER AND NOT HAVE TOMORROW PULL EVERYTHING AWAY AND UAHAUHGAUGH#i'm not well about them. félix and freedom and escape#ALSO i have so many feelings about félix cherishing the people he wants to save so much he was willing to do the same thing that led to#his own trauma and use the peacock miraculous TWICE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU KIDDING ME#you can read it differently but right now come with me ARE YOU KIDDING ME#also ALSO i often think about how felinette standing in front of réplique is a reference to pv felinette#and me placing that directly before the wish is a nod to how the pv was rewritten into canon miraculous. a meta wish... felinette remains#but also in universe you can wish away the world that once was and you'll still never find another thing quite like félix#and who you were and could have been to each other today... cherish him marinette... please cherish him for me#i hit tag limit on this essay so i'm not tagging the episodes i used in the amv but i used all eight félix episodes as always
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Was anyone gonna tell me birth control was this powerful???
#i started my period today??#and i haven't been in an abyss of total darkness and emotional pain unable to do anything but lay on the floor and wait for it to be over??#no uncontrollable anger negativity or bitterness????#again no DEPRESSION???#ive just been a regular upbeat guy!!!!#what the fuck!!!!!#ive been on them two weeks!!!!#mine#i was skeptical bc i had to do the progesterone only pill cos the combined one snd migraines aren't a good mix#and i couldn't find anything about that pill treating pmdd#but my doctor said we'd try i to see if it just stabilised things ✨ hormonally ✨#and oh my god#if you're having depression and/or anger issues that resplve within a few days of starting your period#talk to ur doctor#ik birth control isnt for everyone and it affects everyone differently but holy shit#life changing#ive taken more steps forward on the last two weeks than the last four months#and most importantly ive just been stable and on mostly good moods and feeling pretty ok for me#and just not feeling like im either teetering on the edge of an abyss or in it#thank you tiny pill ✊#pmdd#WHY DONT THEY TEACH YOU THIS IN SCHOOL
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sometimes you need to stoop down to other peoples' level
#mom didn't call at all in all day that was already the first red flag#and when i did call her she sounded so down#no first of all now i see where i get the issue of opening up and talking from like i asked her and all she admitted was yeah she cried#today like hello??? give me names tell me what happened fully just tell me something because i can and will be shameless enough to drag any#adult in this house been there done that before will do it again and no idc what they say to me atp nothing no matter how deep real will cu#me so just tell me no??? this pisses me off so much because everytime i will get to know through other people or it's too late#reason? you shouldn't get involved. well. too bad. and what is this with tu apna khayal rakh and make your career and they'll shut up like#yaar aap itne andhe toh ho nahi idhar mene apki life ke bits and pieces dekhi hai aur mujhe khud itna pata hai ki ye kabhi nahi sudharne#wale like i get it emotional weakness etcetc but oh my god you just have to say the truth itni lambi list hai kuch bhi bol diya karo na wha#is this nahi hum barre hai itne neeche nahi gir sakte bhai thik hai khud nahi kuch karo mujhe toh karne do na?????#maina jaake apna sar phor lungi sachi kya chutiyap faila rakha hai#mine
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i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh
#i. have gone through the full spectrum of human emotions today methinks (not including joy or happiness or any of the like.. naturally)#i am so exhausted and feeling deeply deeply fucking hopeless#ive spent so much of my life feeling miserable and hopeless but holy fucking shit none of that even remotely came close to the amount#of sheer hopelessness and despair that im feeling today#gneuinely. at a loss for ways to make myself or anyone else feel better#like. well at least we're alive! bitch i dont think i want to be anymore. and furthermore for a LOT of people NOT FOR MUCH LONGER probably#at least we have friends/family/community! yes and that means i have that many more people to be absolutely terrified for on top of myself#we've been through this once we can do it again! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING THROUGH#JESUS CHRIST LIKE#by the time the next election comes i will be 27#meaning i will have spent the majority of my teens AND 20s fearing this stupid fucking man and his stupid fucking morally bankrupt follower#im so sick#im so tired#i have to stay alive but for what??? for climate change to make everything exponentially worse in the next 10-15 years??#for society and humanity as we know it to AT the very LEAST begin to collapse in front of my very eyes??#anyway.#like... i just...#thank god i have ppl in my life rn who care about me bc they are essentially singlehandedly keeping me alive at this point#at the end of all of it even though i can do this song and dance all day and be like "whats the point of living? why shouldnt i k myself#and the answer is that the people i love would be sad. the people i love love me too and they would never be the same.#and especially with how much a lot of them have done for me. i owe it to them to at least Try to give myself the best shot i can#us politics#election 2024#kamala harris#2024 election#uspol
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I don’t care if it looks good this Dionysos drawing has been the only thing keeping me sane this week and I like working in microns
now if you excuse me I’m going to down a mason jar of Welch’s.
#dionysus#art#traditional art#greek myths#greek mythology#ink illustration#Microns#dionysos#look it was 3 degrees Fahrenheit outside today with NO SNOW OR ANYTHING COOL HAPPENING and I have seasonal depression#I have been dreaming of spring all day#In some weird way he’s my emotional rock during this very hard time for me#greek gods#mythology
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Can I just.... for one minute, take this journey with me:
Ok imagine. IMAGINE the breakdown, if Katsuki Comes back, escapes his post-resuscitation care via Mirio and BJ, finds Izuku, helps Izuku defeat Shigaraki in whatever way he is able to...but Izuku takes a lot of damage in the process...
IMAGINE THE BREAKDOWN that Katsuki would have, Izuku collapses close to death, (maybe, hopefully spills some guts about his feelings to him) and loses consciousness, and it's not really clear if he's ok or going to make it, and for all intents and purposes, Katsuki thinks that this could very well be Izukus death....
Imagine him LOSING IT because how fucking CRUEL for he himself to die only to be brought back, and for Izuku to ACTUALLY DIE. HOW UNFAIR. He doesn't deserve that kindness from the Universe and from Edgeshot if Izuku is lost for real.
"Why are you still asleep when I'm wide awake" from the hospital scene, but SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.
Screaming, crying, throwing up.
Imagine him just screaming, begging someone to help him like he was helped, to SAVE IZUKU Instead, yelling as if to be yelling at death itself, to take him back in Izukus place. That he would go back into that void, if it meant Izuku would be ok.
This would be so tragic but so damn POTENT MY GOD
...hopefully Katsuki passes out just as help is arriving and he knows nothing else until he wakes up in the hospital again but with someone's scarred hand warm in his own and squeezing so gently....
#GOD THE WITHDRAWAL#brainrot hitting hard today.#ive been thinking about them since its been 300 FRIGGIN DAYS#bakudeku#bnha spoilers#alive bakugou when#bakugou katsuki#bkdk#like i cant decide if i want this to happen or not#i am just vibing with whatver hori puts out but WAITING SUCKS LOL#dude the emotional breakdown this biy will have if he is saved just to think he has lost izuku immediately afterwrads??#oof#katsuki has had a long line of failures and i hope this is NOT ONE OF THEM#plz let them triumph together#i just want them to be HAPPY#i have to put a nice spin on the end because i love a triumph over tragedy more than getting suckerpunched with straight up tragic endings
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(venting in the tags ignore this lol)
#minhmy.rambles#(i just need to shout this somewhere where my friends don't see so they don't worry too much about me)#but oh my god work just got worse for this week im already working every day but tomorrow (aka in six and a half hours)#i will start at 5am and end at 9pm aka a double shift bc my coworker tested positive and there's no one else that can work#just for tomorrow but the rest of the week ill be working 1-9#which i hate even though im used to it night shifts are just boringgggg and takes up a lot of my time#which i already have so little of#my mom said i should clean my closet and i was going to tomorrow bc i wanted to play grandfest today but now i cant do that#bc ill literally be at work all day lol#and god its just so hard its so so hard but it could be worse. it literally could be worse#i cant be here as much anymore bc im so busy and tired i just draw when i can and drop them all here and leave#and i miss writing a lot but i have even less time and even less motivation and the more i work the more awful i feel#and i don't want to worry anyone like . i just don't#but its so difficult for me it really is#theres so many things i want to do but i cant do any of it and im so tired im literally so tired#like im not gonna end my life kinda tired i have a lot to look forward to. but work just really sucks and i am Tired#and i Like my job its literally the easiest and ill never have something like this again#but urghghghh. urggfhhghgh. death pain and suffering#if i draw more sif and loop suffering lol. this is why. i need to get the emotions out somehow and i don't want to cry over it#i cant cry bc i need to work i just have to keep my head up i just have to keep at it i just have to be strong and not break#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse#its just. augh.#ok done. sorry i rly rly should sleep soon bc of my 16 hour shift tmrw lol its past 10:30pm already
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Man I love thunderstorms
#I wasn't going to take a break at work today because it's been so busy all day#but then my coworkers frustrated the absolute shit out of me and I had to walk away#Abel freaked out one of them because she was complete flat affect to keep us from losing our shit#because god forbid we have Genuine Emotion at work (forbidden)#anyway I'm sitting outside in a brewing thunderstorm and it's great
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coping with things so well today so i’m bragging about it ✨
#had a SMALL emotional reaction to something but then like breathed through it and was very normal#and then something that might’ve made me feel kinda alone and insecure a year or two ago#actually just made me feel happy which is a MUCH preferable reaction#and one that matches the reaction in my head#my emotions are not me#they tell me things but they’re only a piece of the puzzle and I can still decide how I process things beyond the immediate emotions#also did a bunch more organizing of my stuff for packing#and wrote things in my planner for the first few weeks of school#I already have several plans and events!!!!#and instead of pushing someone away I suggested some plans a few months away#bc that gives both of us kinda a sense of security in the friendship?#they’re worried about losing me with me going back to school#and I’m worried about losing them bc they have kinda a major obsession w/ someone else rn#(which is pretty cute when my brain isn’t being an insecure dick)#so this makes us both be like ‘even if things change we still have plans and our friendship will withstand those changes’#anyway gonna get ready to go walk up a big hill for fresh air#today has been a good day overall#OH AND ANOTHER FRIEND DROPPED BY OUT OF THE BLUE#AND GAVE ME A HAND SEWN EMBROIDERED CHARM FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL!!!!#and a little card about how they’re proud of me and will be there for me on this journey!#god now I’m gonna cry#I have the most amazing friends in the whole freakin world#personal
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So what if my comfort scene involves someone dying of radiation poisoning
#sometimes I put on wrath of khan skip to THE scene just to feel something#today is one of those days#GOD I’m going to throw UP THE EMOTION ITS AHHHH#and earlier with the I have been and always shall be yours#SPOCK PLEASE I AM GOING INSANE#Star Trek#spirk
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paranoias a BITCH
#night thoughts#i know nobody is out to get me that is entirely unfair#and there is no such thing as thought crime i dont believe in god there is nobody listening in on everything i think#i will not be punished for my thoughts bc they are so meaningless i may as well be punished for eating a bagel#it is okay to feel emotions and theres no way to feel the wrong one#today has been such a long day i think my brains given up
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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Understanding the scene of Ted putting the tie on Mike (Mike commenting on how it's too tight and it's choking him and Ted saying that's how it's supposed to be) in a very Mike-Ted parallels way. AND IT WAS ON FRONT OF A MIRROR TOO. Shrimp colors everywhere.
#im so sorry for being this way truly i cannot help it. the vicious cycles get me. im seeing the light#bc personally i dont see it as simply about heteronormativity. i mean its a part of it#but its framed as like. ted is choking mike with heterosexuality! and while that is true to an extent they have ted say thats how its#supposed TO BE for a reason! clothing is something ppl put on themselves. putting on your tie too tight- choking yourself its not just#sexuality its about control. controlling your image. controlling yourself#the religious themes of s4 wasnt just a recent feature. the idea of repression (emotional/sexual/physical) goes all the way back to s1#the concept of keeping such a tight control over yourself (ie 'choking' yourself and enforcing it on your children) falls in line with#religious trauma. constantly being watched not only by authority but god. repressing/choking yourself so you dont step out of line#and again its on front of the mirror. like idk mike-ted parallels arent popular in this fandom but take it up with the duffers#i didnt put them in there they did!!!#like the idea of being so repressed and being in a constant state of controlling oneself to toe the line not only falls in line with a lack#of pov (which they intentionally take away from mike and intentionally never give to ted)#but also mikes possible ED which again is about control! these are all metaphors for controlling oneself to a harmful extent!#one day ppl will appreciate mike ted parallels beyond 'ted hates mike for being gay' but alas today is not that day and it wont stop me#also 'try new things' being about coming out of your comfort zone! mike trying the pinapple pizza and ted going on the ferris wheel#not tightly controlling yourself to the point you make yourself miserable#blasts runs in the family drowning out literally everything else#its all religious trauma? always have been
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I actually really fucking hate how anything in my schedule not going the way I initially Intended For It To just automatically makes me a massive fucking crybaby and or a raging bitch. Like dude. The grocery store does not hate me. It sucks that my schedule requires me to get there an hour earlier no matter what but like. They didn’t do that to me. Why am I always so upset whenever I have to change plans. I change plans too! I’m a living person!!! Why am I so fucking upset about this!!!!!!
#personal#im gonna delete this later I’m just venting#I’m also fine I’m just having a rough day and I can’t figure out why my emotions have been so fucking volatile. It’s so frustrating that#I can’t figure out how to get a handle on my emotions. I know I need to feel things but the problem is if I let myself feel them too much#Then I’m going to spiral or lash out at some random bystander and both of these make the initial feeling worse#I just can’t pull myself out of that quickly enough recently. It’s not an issue of ability bc I can. I just can’t do it.#wait that’s contradictory. I’ve been really struggling too recently. There we go. There’s accuracy.#Either way. Didn’t I spend all year in therapy last year trying to get this shit together? What the fuck.#Why is it the second I show a modicum of progress I immediately hit a single pebble on the road and get sent ass over teakettle#Progress isn’t linear but it also sure as hell isn’t meant to be a time loop. That I’m pretty sure of.#God everything’s just been so difficult this year. Shit that used to be almost instinctual to me now is a nightmare.#Maybe it’s growing pains and I guess that’s valid but how long do I have to have them#The good news is that thus far I have not snapped at anyone so at least right now we don’t have any casualties of my bad attitude#I feel so bad being so worried about that but like seriously no one needs me to be snapping at them. Even if I feel catharsis in the moment#We all feel bad immediately afterwards#It’s literally not even been a bad day today. I cannot emphasize how this has been the only problem today. Literally so much good happened#Ugh#dont look at me
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hmm
#tbd#just thinking a bit before i sleep#today was mostly a good day but. i think i'm still tired yeah i feel like disappearing#just. sit by the sand n watch the waves. lose myself in the sight n the sound n#just sit there until the sun comes up n#thought abt it n i haven't been doing well at all lately but fiction's been a great comfort. n. stuff online in general like my friends her#i think that nightmare i had of being completely replaced n forgotten hurt me more than i thought. burying the pain was a mistake but i#don't want to make others worry#n.. that feeling of worthlessness n regret n feeling lost n utterly confused. forgetting myself n everything#peaked 2 nights ago. when i.. nah when i accidentally did That yeah#i really don't want to think about it anymore but i know it isn't smth i shld just keep to myself but#it.. haunts me so much. whether i reach out or not it'll hurt. n i'm willing to just shoulder the pain alone. i'm used to it anyways#n i'm so confused bcs despite my disposition or wtvr when it comes to reality. fiction tells me a different story#both are truths. they can coexist n they do but#goddamn i don't want to think of it anymore. i just want to.. live in that moment forever#those moments. under the starry sky. the cold night that warmed my heart or#the sight of the dawn this morning. the moon n the horizon. the clouds yonder n#dusk earlier as well. the wonder i felt for life as a whole; a feeling i missed all too dearly#time's going by far too fast. listening to edge of dawn is making me emotional rn oh my god#december's nearly over. the year is. so much is on the horizon n i'm both simultaneously anticipant & hesitant to face it all#it's a bittersweet feeling when you're living n going about your day like i've been recently but it feels like a dream#n soon i'll wake up. the gentle rays of the early morning sun will quickly turn into scorching heat. n then#i'm tired of writing even though i cld add more to that but hmm. the cycle goes on n on. morning then night then the morrow comes once more#until a point where all these days accumulate n.. yeah#yk what i'll just go to sleep instead. i'll just do more tmrrw n. yeah. i'll try to stop or distract myself before these thoughts get#too much like two nights ago or smth. i'll try to sleep peacefully tonight#distract myself from some aspects of reality in just this moment temporarily.#despite how tired i am i'm still so hesitant to rest n sleep but i'll push myself to do it now. gn. i'll just do more tomorrow
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I thought about this during a meeting and was suddenly grinning despite having spent most of the day scowling like I'm being forced out of my comfort zone in a way that's unlike how I like to do things while I just want to take a nap (because that's how this entire day has been) so thanks OP.
No he couldn’t
#legit today has been so uncomfortable#ive had no reason worth smiling about#and im god awful at faking emotions#im sure everyone could tell i was dying inside all day#but i recalled this#and after that#whenever someone was expecting me to smile#i just thought#“i feel like if i was gay I could do better than you”#and it worked.#twisted wonderland has owned my brain recently#so i think i just need more fun twst stuff like this#to sit in my brain and look pretty#so i can recall it when i need to look happy
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