#god i want exams to be over
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you know it's exam season because i'm questioning all my life choices
#you know i don't mind going to classes actually but studying and taking exams makes me feel like i'm a cog in a machine#as i got older i started caring less about school actually not because i don't think it's important#but because it makes me feel like a product of capitalism#why did i choose this major?#do i even still like it?#do i want to work in this field later?#like i think that no matter my feelings on my major i'm not gonna change it#bc 1 i already got this far 2 i don't know what else i would wanna do and 3 i couldn't live with the feeling of failure#i just have to make it through another 2 and a half years of uni at least#and right now i just have to make it through the next week and a half#god i want exams to be over#i don't have any motivation anymore and i don't care about the classes i have to study for that much#anyways can you tell that my last exam didn't go well ?#i should be nicer to myself bc it's weekend and i am never that productive for uni in weekend anyway#anyways thanks for coming to my rant#kj post
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#EXAMS ARE OVER I CAN DRAW NOW!!!!!!!!!!#anyways these are outfits from hnk worn by my some of my favorite rocks#not gonna tag hnk i dont know if the hnk people would want this i didnt even draw the clothes on model i interpreted them myself#i dont think their dynamics are remotely close either (thank god) i just wanted to draw my blorbos wearing the clothes of my other blorbos#limbus company#art i made#sketched this while listening to an intro class on vector graphics..i dont like vector graphics
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snippet (undertow, ch. 6)
IM TIRED OF THIS GRANDPA
#undertow#megop#transformers#peony speaks#GASPING FOR AIR CLAWING MY THROAT KICKING MY FEET#FIRST 3 SCENES ARE FINALLY FUCKING DONE OH MY GOD#IM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. ALL CHAPTERS FROM NOW ON ARE LIMITED TO 2-3 SCENES#fucking 5 scenes in one chapter WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING#oh my god im actually losing my mind#not to mention theres still a few things i want to tweak#AUGH#its so fucking jover man#the carpal tunnel is actually egregious#not to mention the sheer burnout???#like im gonna have to write something silly goofy after this chapters released#theres no way i can handle another one of these for at least a few weeks#oh my god im gonna pass out#literally why do i do this to myself??? why did i think this many scenes was acceptable#who in their right fucking mind would do this#anyway the fact that we're over 80k words but still nowhere near the end of the fic is diabolical#oh my god im so tired#u know im writing this when i have an exam tmrw?#i cant believe this#im hungry
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Okay but the life of the legendary Shovana Narayan altered my brain chemistry, a superb academic record hold, a maestro in kathak and then also a civil services officer with a long distance marriage and motherhood
If she could do this in the 50s and 60s, wtf is stopping me from doing so, when I have never wanted just one thing to define me
#samridhi speaks#also to my ex who told me things likw your relationship will never work out with him because of different life goals#lol this woman married a diplomat and they managed a long distance marriage too#her husband paved doors foe collabs with the West with Indian dance back then#this is the kind of love I want sure physical intimacy is needed and what not but God I am never giving up all of this to marry#and I still remember him saying you give those soft mothet vibes who is a part time mother and dancer#bye I will girlboss all my life and be all right in front of guys like some of my cousins who think we girls his sisters will just marry#and settle down amd to my ex too for thinking I will be easy and live out a simplw life#fuck everything the only understanding men in my life have been my father brother and my boyfriend at this point#weird that he never grew up around sisters but still is so aware and understanding of women and our desire for dreams#lol I am ranting but yes I have an exam in 6 hours my sleep got over by 2.30#and then I was googling gpat niper prep#yeah it's first sem but I keep wanting to updatw on the info#and God knows what struck me to google dancers randomly who were into civil service academia and still being legends in the arts#then shovana narayan came up
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literally having the worst day ever and i cant ever be happy (has only experienced minor inconveniences today but they keep adding up)
#first of all i didnt get a lot of sleep so im mad tired#second of all the place i usually get lunch on campus said they werent doing bagels at the moment and it ruined me#cuz i was soooo excited to get bagels#third of all i was already cranky so i got all in my feels last night#so i had a dream where my gf who isnt my gf and saw each other on one fo the campuses and she was w her friends#at one point we were both leaving and iw as watcing her and her and her friend knew i was there#so then her friend comes over and shes like '[gf name] loves you so much'#and i was about to cry tears of joy i was like REALLY???#and then her friend started laughing and gestured to my gf who isn't my gf's OTHER friend behind me and she was like 'jk lol she meant#this friend not you el oh el'#and then my gf and her friends were all laughing at me and i burst into tears#and then in full on sobs i was like 'i loved you so much how could you leave me'#and then my gf was just like 'well youre a bad person and you think youre sooooo myseterious and youre a terrible person and i never loved#you' and oh my god it ruined my morning#i know a lot of it was just psychological cuz i was already moody when i went to bed#and i have this werid paranoia where i think her and her friends talk shit about me#which i doubt they do but it still stresses me out#so thats probably why that hapepned#and then on top of all that. fourth of all im getting lunch and i literally see her outside. like i dont see her for days and of course#the day i least want to see her shes right there#i mean im generally doing better than september and i didnt feel the same sinking feeling#i used to in like sept but still like brooooo bro this day could not be worseee#the only good thing that happened was that i passed my physics exam <3#also yeah again i said these are minor inconveniences im just frustrated lol#sunny rambles
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Disappeared for a week or so. Will be back in a few. For now have this idea that came from a dream.
Nicobaster as Orpheus and Eurydice
Thank you for my TedTalk
#got caught up with exams#will catch up with everyone once its one#i want this over with#help me#pjo#nico di angelo#alabaster#percy jackson#primordial god! chronos x ananke! nico#nico pjo#percy jackon and the olympians#alabaster c torrington#alabaster pjo#a kairos moment
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i should drop out
#whyyyyy didddd iiii chooososee thisss LOFE#LIFE#god i cant WAIT for exams to be over i have so much i want to do but. the horrors#three more left… i spent all week on the one i have in. seven hours. AND I STILL HAVENT MEMORISED EVERYTHING#LIKE WHY IS THIS ACRUALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!#and dont even get me statyed oncbhemistry k think id sooner kms#i cant do this anymore IM AN ACADEMIC VICTIM!!! LET ME OUT!!! n ABEJRBFMFNFLTNFNGM#ok bye
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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Pls pray for me, I have a final after tomorrow and studied 2/40 chapters 😭 i will get cooked fr
#i just want it to be over#i wanna pass#that's all i want#i don't want to redo any exams during break or god forbid retake the entire year
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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i think i have finished my final paper for my english class........ now i'm scared to submit it 🫣 EEK
#i will do it over the weekend#fuck it we ball#i feel like i did well... heheeee#god i just want this to be over#two more weeks...#and three final exams...#GAHHHH and tomorrow is my first day at my new job i am so scared. but i must be brave i need the money lol 😭😭😭#i wonder who i will get to hear on repeat on the radio this time around#in my last job it was bad bunny ed sheeran and that god forsaken unholy song#ALSO MAROON 5 HELP. cheers to the ones that we got... 🎶
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To love is simply to know this
#made this instead of doing literally anything else let's get it 👌👌👌👌👌#I had to record a god awful oral peripheral exam today (or yesterday since I'm scheduling this) I deserve it#Making really good use of my vegas sony pro#I'm literally insane over them!#nobody does it like rayllum#There were more clips I wanted to include but what are you gonna do with only 10 seconds#in another life Callum post learning his dad is dead would have been here#tdp#the dragon prince#tdp edit#my videos#rayllum#tdp spoilers#this video is for me and raayllum
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Exam week is almost over, and then I can go back to my blorbo brainrot, and you all shall suffer with it <3
A.k.a I'll actually start posting art again and not just reblogging a bunch of stuff. Lol
#exam week#god i have french today#i want this to he over please#i just want to draw!!!#blorbo brainrot return please
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I just want to sleep, but I have to wake up tomorrow and face the horrors of molecular biology 😭, then maybe I will come home and sleep
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Everybody wish me luck, I'm going for an exam
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