#god i love them they’re so wonderful
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so funny story. i’m arospec. took me a while for that one to click. anyways i’m lowkey (highkey) squishing on a mutual n it’s not fairrrrr someone tell this fucker to stop being so charming
#we get along real well we were pretty fast friends#been mutuals for a few months now tho we technically knew each other for longer#he’s already been a really positive force in my life and apparently i’ve helped him thru shit too#which is. really nice to hear#god i love them they’re so wonderful#they’re funny and kind and we tend to say the same things and i am slowly stealing their speech patterns#we’re also both arospec/acespec which is really nice#part of me wants to tell him abt the squish but the rest of me would genuinely rather die#so. i will sit here and yearn#not even sure what a qpr would change abt our dynamic beyond our perceptions of it#we already r very affectionate ppl lmao#plus. he lives across the country so it’s not like i’d be able to go n hang out irl#still tho…. sighhh he’s just. i care abt them a lot they’re special
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Remember those DML clothes I mentioned buying? They came yesterday!! I love them sm! ^^
#Coffee’s chatting#Dear My Love#If you’re wondering why I look taller than usual it’s cause the boots I bought have like 12 CENTIMETER HEELS OH MY GOD MY ANKELS#They’re very cute though so I’m really happy with them!!#Jirai Kei#Jirablr#Jirai onna#jiraiblogging#Also my mirror is dirty af just ignore it please please please ^^”
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just read the watermark on the taemin thirst vid LMFOAIFIKDHD
#every thirst edit comes back to a bangchan stan one way or another. it’s so funny to meee it’s actually perfect#also just gotta disclaim i don’t mean anything bad by that. god knows my dearest friend sends me chan thirst edits on a biweekly basis#(by this i mean my virgo work bestie)#plus MY bangchan stan friends are built different. they’re beautiful and wonderful and i love them. sa if you’re reading this im blasting#Rihanna’s te amo on a boombox in front of your house
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Realized now that the first time Dusknoir unhinged his stomach mouth wasn’t during the stoneship fight but ACTUALLY right before the betrayal???
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NO WONDER HERO AND PARTNER WERE SO AFRAID.
#I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS THE ‘’READY-TO-GRAB’’ MOTION THAT SHOCKED THEM BUT NO.#NOT ONLY THAT. BUT THE REST OF THE TOWN ONLY REACT WHEN THEY’RE ACTUALLY GRABBED.#<<<(which makes me wonder if Dusknoir whispered ‘Or is it?’ to these two oh my fucking god.)#(probably not but that would be so raw)#listen to me. LISTEN TO ME.#HE WAS NOTHING BUT KIND (DECEPTIVELY AT TIMES) UP UNTIL THAT POINT.#HE NEVER DID THAT BEFORE. NOT EVEN AT TEAM SKULL.#SO HERO AND PARTNER GENUINELY GOT SCARED#GWAAAH I LOVE NOTICING DETAILS LIKE THAT#NOT SURE HOW I MISSED THIS THE FIRST TIME#but GOD does it add onto the fear those two felt. him going from genuinely helpful and sweet to showing his true colors#FUCKKK I WANT TO REDRAW THIS SCENE AGAINN#anyways going insane over this ghost at 2am#pmd eos spoilers
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Day one billion of begging PokeMas to add N’s sisters to the game and have them interact in the game canon on screen finally so I can get my ass back into the game
#I think I’ve made this post a million times but it’s still true as hell#the fact we never see N and his sisters together in the game canon drives me BONKERS I need SIBLING CONTENT#thank god Anipoke has them interact so I have food but also they’re not in many episodes#and also the anipoke canon is so different. I still love it but it doesn’t hit as hard imo#really interested in the fact anipoke states they have the same power as N though. surprised that’s the only place where that’s the case#really adds layers to their bond and makes me wonder what the true scale of Anipoke Ghetsis’s plan was#screw that earthquake in Japan that completely changed the Plasma storyline I wanted more 😔😔😔#how did my tags become very much an anipoke ramble when I was talking about pokemas and game canon 💀#anyway#pokemon#n harmonia#anthea and concordia#bc rambles
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just read ‘Song of Achilles’ and I’ve been crying like a bitch for the past ten minutes
I don’t know why people were like
“Oh, I didn’t cry at that. It’s whatever.”
bc that fucked me up
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#books and reading#song of achilles#Achilles#patroclus#I’ve been crying for so long now#my face is puffy#and I have a headache#I haven’t cried like that in a while#thank god it wasn’t a sob sesh#I would’ve woken up my family 💀#but seriously that book was wonderful#they’re just#two boys in love#and I will forever think about them#now back to crying
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Man I dont even wanna draw Grovyle and Dusknoir in the same frame in artpieces I do in fear of it gaining traction. And then everyone going back to ignoring the art I actually gaf about creating
#and it Sucks because I have some animatic ideas!!! they’re genuinely wonderful; wonderful characters!!!#I’ll never hate them but. man. its hard Bein a pmd artist of You don’t draw the popular pmd2 ship huh#maybe past me was right for drawing them occasionally so I could garner some kind of audience before going into my more indulgent stuff#I’ll still draw them occasionally when the mood strikes bc again. I love those two a lot. Special ep5 is insane.#my brain is just Bein kinda mean again today#I’m prolly screaming into the void but god. there are other artists fighting for their lives with their pmd ocs.#I got lucky that my ‘tism connected with a pretty popular character#anyways to the same couple of people that have been reblogging and writing tags under my dusknoir/hero/partner art.#I love you so much. I wish there was a stronger word for love. I feel bad for not responding to every tag but genuinely thank you so much.
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I mean this from a social perspective not a health one : why does everything feel weird right now. Like yes I’m heartbroken about the reality of my position in the lives of my so called friends but now I just feel confused. I don’t understand why I’m not important and why I can’t change to be important to others, nor what makes a person important either.
#like okay yeah I’ve been lowkey crying in the middle of the night because of how unimportant I feel but that’s down pat now we get it#I just want to know why am I not ? like am I doing something wrong ? I could’ve sworn I’m trying my best to not be annoying frustrating and#to be there but the reality of things is that I can’t always be there given my condition#sometimes I wonder how hard it is to ask me a simple ‘are you okay’ or ‘how are you’ or god forbid that I am missed lmao pls fniesksn ignore#the last one I think that’s too much but at least the other two#I don’t want to tell people to ask me these because then it feels fake and that they’re doing it just for the sake of getting me to shut up#about it but I don’t know#dora daily#a reason why I hate insta with my whole life because it just never fails to prove how worthless I really am#like I could’ve died yk … and it’d still be the sahara desert there#anyways I like being alone a lot something I’ve found out about myself#(I hate it actually but I only like it because I cannot make myself do anything like even talking seems so very exhausting so I can manage#with the loneliness when I’m ill but I can’t cope with it when I’m even a smidge better)#sigh.#just sigh. where did I get my friends from and why does everyone seem to love their friends so much but I cannot#don’t get me wrong I talk about how much I love them to everyone and if I don’t I obsess abt them in my head but it is not reciprocated to#be honest. not at all#and that’s what makes me sad. I still love them because I love unconditionally it seems#but from a conditional viewpoint they do not cut it#and that makes me disappointed#that’s why I’d kill to be loved or heck even remotely liked the way I like others even half of that yk#I am not a good person in my eyes but I would do so much just to be liked like that I wish I knew why I’m not worth being liked only worthy#of being tolerated.
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I always point out Bunk’d on the list of shows with a terrible finale (since S3 was supposed to be the last but it effectively did kill the quality of the show) but having watched the final episodes of Bunk’d that aired last night, I can now actually reaffirm that its ending is shit.
Because oh my god is it shit.
#Bunk’d#Jessie#disney channel#disney sitcom#Disney#lou hockhauser#Camp kikiwaka#I think I owe The Lion Guard and Jake and the Never Land Pirates an apology for their finales#Don’t get me wrong they’re still absolute garbage but I don’t think I felt as burnt out and empty with those finales as I did with this one#Lou gets a random-ass love interest in the last 2 episodes and they pull a soap-opera style fake-out break up#which is like#I have no reason to care this late into the game#but they also rehash the plotline of the characters possibly separating and Lou wondering if she should stay a camp director#As if we haven’t had that plotline used in the last 4 seasons (including the season that was SUPPOSED to be the end)#Again no reason to give a shit#Especially since the status quo remains with Lou staying at the camp#The Ross kids are barely acknowledged or mentioned despite the show originally centering around them#And rather emotional closure that wraps up the loose ends with the series-original characters that were written off the show#and got no closure#instead they pull a Descendants with a dance party ending that doesn’t even fully fade to black by the end#Like what the fuck#My expectations for the series were low because any chance at a ‘good ending’ were thrown out the window with every renewal this show got#But oh my god this finale actually lowered my already low expectations#For years I’ve affirmed that Bunk’d is the perfect example as to why shows should just stay dead after they’ve ended#because if they don’t they can just become a rotting shell of what they’ve used to be and lose any and all quality beyond salvation#which is exactly what happened#And by consequence I am only happy BECAUSE the show ended and not in HOW it ended#But yeah the Jessie franchise is dead and so is Bunk’d lol
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tonight a little kid taught me how to sign his name as he’d made it up himself to represent him and i swear to god i almost cried.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i had a wonderful time shadowing. Thursday I’m trained on the platform and then i can start it was SO FUN. it was frankly lovely. everyone#is so nice and welcoming and not anything like anywhere I’ve worked before lololololololol. it was just great to be around actual energy#that loved the kids as much as i tend to. it’s rough being a teacher surrounded by teachers too fucking jaded for everything. so this? god#it’s so great to be around people who enjoy what they’re doing. my first tutoring job was… a fucking void. i did a bunch of matching#exercises with one of them! everyone climbed me like a jungle gym. my heart is full. I’m gonna write trish for profanemouth lmfao]
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It’s almost worse knowing they hurt me unintentionally because I don’t have any right to hate them. It was an accident, they didn’t know, but still I have breakdowns at the mention of them and they don’t even know.
#I haven’t talked to them in months#and by god I don’t want to talk to them again#because it hurts So Bad#and I’m not even in the right to hate them bc they didn’t do it on purpose#I’d rather them do it on purpose because then I could hate them#because I’m angry and upset and I had a panic attack last night about it#this person who probably doesn’t even think about me for a second#and they’re constantly in my mind making me feel like crap#that’s not fair#I hope my name is never in their thoughts again and I hope they always wonder why I stopped talking to them#I wanted closure before but it’s too late for that because it’s been long enough that#wtf would I even say?#you hurt me. you abandoned me? but I’m the one that stopped talking#it felt like you abandoned me and I didn’t have the energy to keep up a one sided talk#when I know there were people who would talk to me#I know you’re busy. but at least something would be nice#I’m needy. and clingy. and I KNOW that#but still. it hurts because it’s like everything I always get left behind and they’re the PRIME example of that#I don’t even know why they hurt me so bad#maybe it was because it was someone I trusted completely#someone that I was closest to above all else above everyone else#I trusted them. I loved them. we talked about getting to meet up one day#but I hope that when they come up here I am Long Gone and they never think of me again#I trusted them enough they knew my state. I trusted them with parts of myself I barely trusted anyone else with#and the absence hurt like hell#and there wasn’t even one big event to break it off#just a slow deterioration in anxiety and stress that sometimes bubbled up in a message#but I always kneecapped the conversation because never was a good time to have it#and then just no more messages#I should block them. but I don’t want to ruin all the messages we had
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I managed to pull this together in the middle of an Absolutely Horrible work day! Yay! (Writing this is probably part of what got me out of a stress and caffeine induced panic attack) Unfortunately I didn’t get it edited on time to post on time, but Hey! It Exists :D Anyway, people should write more characters having autism shutdowns. It’s very frustrating being barely able/unable to talk (I am autism btw)
Anyway, this one’s very environmental. I feel like the timespace distortions in PLA could have been a LOT more horrifying, and I’m here to deliver! Warnings: animal attack (again), uuuuhh what do you call this.. time and space are being bent and torn around him and it is some sort of cosmic horror or something idk what that term means exactly I just know it’s what comes to mind, but uuuh yeah this one’s kinda tame actually.
All of mine so far have been pretty tame, let’s be honest. I promise I can write other stuff we just haven’t gotten to the Good Stuff I Have Planned yet
Day 5: Reckless
Takes place some time after the battle atop Mount Coronet. (After day 4 of this event, far before day 3, which happened before days 1 and 2)
~~~~~
Volo should have known this would happen when a strange energy started to fill the air. He should’ve known this would happen when sparks started to fly.
He thought he had more time before it did, thought he could pick a few more berries from this tree and run.
He should’ve known better than to test his fate, especially in a distortion that he had indirectly caused. Arceus has a sense of humor, after all, and Volo is no stranger to the cruelty that fate seems to love to bring him.
Scents from past and future flow into the air, and he can hardly breathe, stumbling as the ground morphs and shifts under him. One moment, he’s standing on the grassy hill, and the next, a structure he doesn’t understand appears out of nowhere, trapping him inside.
He scrambles his way out a window and brings his fingers to his mouth, whistling as loud as he can.
But Toge doesn’t come. She can’t hear him in the storm.
I could die here.
The realization sends chills down his spine.
He’s been confronted by his own mortality plenty of times in his life. It’d be a surprise to hear someone hasn’t, really, in a world as dangerous, as cruel as this one. Wild Pokémon attacks that aren’t immediately deadly can still be incredibly dangerous later, after all, and there’s a myriad of other dangers in this world.
Volo happens to be particularly good at getting himself into bad situations, and fate has always seemed to be especially cruel to him. He’s faced death plenty of times.
But it’s never felt so close.
He could run from murderers and wild Pokémon. He managed to strike a deal with Giratina when they met, he learned everything he could forage so he would never starve, he had even escaped the wrath of a particularly powerful zoroark, which is an impressive feat, considering the fact that even the normal zoro put plenty of people on the death toll.
But he can’t run from this. Not when he can’t breathe and the ground itself doesn’t seem to work as it should, flickering in and out of existence at the drop of a hat.
He curses himself for his stupidity as a terrified steelix shrieks, a sound like boulders tumbling down a mountain. It’s moving too quickly to see where it’s going, barreling straight towards Volo.
He just manages to dodge out of the way, ducking and rolling behind a tree- but an electric attack hits him, and he shrieks as his whole body jolts from it, falling to his knees.
It’s hard to move, he’s shaking, his muscles are spasming.
He can’t run.
Paralyzed.
I’m going to die here.
Something falls into his hands, a strange device. Some sort of bracelet, with a thick, flat face.
It lights up as he touches it.
He frantically presses back against the tree as an alpha raichu steps forward, holding the strange device up.
He’s about to move to throw it in desperation-
And then something he touches on it creates a shield of pink and blue energy, surrounding him just as the raichu tries to hit him with a Thunder.
He can breathe.
Volo scrambles to his feet, catching his breath. “Is this- some sort of shield..?” It moves with him as he walks- no? It’s moving with the device.
He scoops it off the ground, shaking his limbs out to try to get the rest of the electric attack out of his system, and he sprints towards the outside of the distortion, carrying the device with him. The ground materializes beneath his feet, holding steady even as it breaks around him, and he thanks fate for finally giving him something good.
Some attack hits the shield, and he yelps as he’s thrown, but he isn’t hurt by anything except his own bad landing. Scrambling back to his feet, he runs the rest of the way out, jumping through to the outside of the bubble of distorted land just as the timespace storm starts to swirl.
Terrified pokemon shriek as they’re swept into it. Volo nearly throws up as he sees human remains inside, swirling with the rest.
And, in a flash, all of it is gone, leaving no sign of what just happened but specks of shimmering pink dust, floating softly to the ground.
He’s in a cold sweat, shaking as he stares at where he was almost swept away. The trio would RUN INTO these. For FUN, to collect the things inside.
What the HELL is wrong with them!?
He takes a few shaky breaths, collapsing to his hands and knees. The device makes a clicking sound as it wraps around his hand, but he pays it no mind for now.
Okay.
Okay, I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m okay.
..I have nobody to blame for that except myself. I shouldn’t have stayed when the storm started to gather. And for what, a few handfuls more of berries? That wasn’t worth the risk!
He stares at the strange device, which has moved to his wrist. There’s numbers on the front, though he’s not sure what they’re for.
It’s a miracle I made it out. And it’s because of this wondrous device..
It’s locked itself around his wrist somehow. He can’t see the locking mechanism- it looks like a clean band, aside from the face. The only sign as to its origin is some strange lettering on the side, though he doesn’t really recognize the characters. He knows he’s seen them somewhere before, though.
With some experimentation, he figures out he can move the device up and down his arm, but he can’t take it off. It’s comfortable no matter where it is, fitting perfectly to his skin, but it won’t go over his hand, despite obviously having the capability of doing so.
Fascinating..
Okay, he’ll deal with that later. He stands, making his way back to the little camp he’s set up.
He’s still feeling a little stiff with the after effects of a fairly mild electric attack paralysis, but he’s not too hurt- he must’ve not been hit too bad, thankfully.
Volo sits at camp, dumping out his bag and counting the supplies he’s managed to gather.
If he finds a way to preserve the food, what he has gathered today will be enough for a few days. So the progress towards what he and his Pokémon need to survive the winter is slow, but it is progressing.
The extra berries he grabbed are enough for two extra meals for Toge, so there’s that, at least.
Was it worth the risk? No, not in the slightest. Not when he can easily gather that safely.
But does it make him feel a little better about it?
Absolutely.
He looks up as a shadow falls over him, quickly moving to catch Toge as she flies into his chest. “Hey!”
She squeaks happily, shaking her bag- and that’s the sound of a bunch of apricorns. He can also see the leaves of a few different edible plants and medicinal herbs sticking out.
Volo smiles, cuddling her close. “Thank you, sweetheart,” he murmurs, burying his face in her feathers with a quiet sigh. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
~~~
PARADOX DETECTED
A young woman leans over to look at the alert, brushing curly red hair out of her eyes. “Oh! Well, that explains where he got his watch.. That is a dangerous paradox, wow. Very lucky it didn’t break anything. Dialga must have helped..” She sighs, tapping a few buttons on her watch and sending a quick message to Management. “..Dragons. I need to figure out how Eclipse got it off so I can update the security systems.. What a bother.”
#whumprilday5#whumpril2024#Whumpril#🌻Volo#distortions should’ve been scarier#like. I understand pla isn’t a horror game BUT#there’s so many things in it with the capability to be Absolutely Horrifying#Hisuian zoro. various ghost types actually (Pokémon in general).#the distortions are just the start#honestly if they had the time I wonder if gamefreak would’ve made more to them than just purple bubbles filled with strong Pokémon and item#maybe they wouldn’t have. but a guy can dream#anyway I am. Struggling how tf does electric type paralysis work#my explanation in my head is the electricity magically sticks around for a lil bit#and it keeps the paralyzed one still#stun spore is of course a poison and not electricity#but for electricity paralysis stuff to not be permanent you’ve gotta fudge things a little I think#pokémon whump#is surprisingly difficult bc there’s so many weird logistics things that you can’t just search up#bc pokemon ARENT REAL :((((#god. I wish I had a sylveon#I feel like a sylveon would be a pretty good starter pokemon#I mean they’re just a dog.. cat.. fox.. thing and they love you#ANYWAY enough rambling from me! hope y’all enjoy#oh yeah also#⌚️Melissa
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god I’m so torn. I have a few things I really buy rn but realistically I don’t think I can afford all of them. So I’m trying to weigh what I should let myself but bc I haven’t bought myself anything nice in a while
#I want to preorder the taz gn so that I can get the preorder keychain#and I previously preordered the exclusive special edition of the book of bill#but turns out it didn’t charge me when I ordered it like half a year ago and instead it charges me when it ships (in like two weeks)#so that’s a sudden $60 payment I need to decide if I want to do#bc I did not put the money away when I originally ordered it#because I thought it charged my card once I placed the order and that was it#so I’m trying to decide if I should cancel that#and then the Pokémon centre just released the kanto starters as Saiko soda plushes and I’m in love#I’d kill for the charmander and bulbasaur#and then I’m going to a concert next week which. while I think my leftover birthday money should pay for the hotel and stuff#I really like buying band tees so that I have something from the experience#but god knows that’ll be like $50#so I’m trying to decide which of these to go for#they’re all kinda time sensitive#two bc they’re preorders and the plushes bc I think they’re gonna sell out#and the tshirt is obviously from a specific event so that’s gotta be then#the other thing is while I’m planning on using my birthday money#that money is from my grandparents who (while that have told me that my presents from them are money and said how much they’re giving me)#have not actually. given me the money#and I don’t wanna be pushy but it’s also been a month 😭 and I’m gonna have to reach out to them and be like ‘please e-transfer me#I have to pay off my credit card please god you promised’. like I feel like an ass but I’d also like to be able to use my present#anyway. I’ve picked up a couple extra shifts so I could probably justify two#but not all four#and I’m trying to figure out what I’d regret more#both books I could get at a later date but I’d really like the keychain and I always preorder the taz gns bc they mean a lot to me#and while I could defo get the book of bill cheaper it won’t be the special edition and idk if I’d regret giving that up#bc I was really excited about that#and then idk. obv the concert tee is a one time deal and I might regret not keeping up my plan to be a band tee collector#they’re also so expensive and even if I like the band. idk. I wonder if it’s worth it#but also if I’ll regret it
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everyone! may i present my qpp; the best person to exist, my favorite person ever, the light in my darkness, my world, my universe, my everything,
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#tHE LAST ONE#I AM NOT RECOVERING FROM THAT /POS#i tend to be the cheesier one but. my god#ajfjfhdjsksjdkfkslsjfjdlskd sjskfjfsjaj ajdjfkdkfksjdjf ajdkfjskdk#he’s setting a high standard that’s for sure#zero complaints though they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. i am sosos so glad i have them. he’s so wonderful and amazing <2<#divine rambles. ` 🕊#i should frame these on my wall tbh#especially the last one#ough btw my qpp is also the person who wrote me a love letter on our 1 year anniversary n knitted 14 hearts bc it’s on the 14th n also+#knitted me a lil whale (which i kiss to sleep evey night bc. him <3) n agreed to get an analog camera to take pictures of each other n make#lockets of each other with that and and and and and#he is SO amazing i am SO glad to have them#sometimes i just. lie or sit or stand somewhere and for a moment i am overwhelemed with absolute happiness simply bc i know i have him#man <3 <2 <3#lil sorry for gushing on main but. them <33#yeah <2#my qpp#should make that a tag tbh i talk abt them too much on here#he goes by he/they btw :3
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I NEED Zelda lore with good historical allegories PLEASE hire me Nintendo I would make so many good metaphorsssss
#I’ve had this fic idea in my head for literally months#since like December#the sheikah and the yiga and demise and hylia have no relevance to anyyyyy history guys haha#I mean. two large powers that have been involved in a cycle of hatred using their power to induce a proxy war to further their power?#while simultaneously harming said group by ripping it apart and then. with so much time passing the idea of reunification fading further.#until the people of that group learn to hate the other and to rely upon the powers that put them there?#huh Nintendo wonder what that could be about.#but Nintendo is a Japanese company and if you talk about that war then you gotta get into imperialism and. well…#and this is not even getting into THE GERUDO#I LOVE what the Gerudo could be SO MUCH. OH MY GOD. THE POTENTIAL.#but no. if Nintendo actually showed off cool Arab culture and stopped oversexualizing brown women people might think they’re not racist 🙄#and we can’t have that#god I fucking love the concept of the Gerudo it’s so so so sooooo good you have no idea#I don’t have the time or energy required to write this but maybe I’ll come back in like a decade when I’ve got shit figured out and write it#anyways. I’m so normal about the Shiekah and the Gerudo. ha ha ha ha ha so so so normal#guys someone give me like a month where time stops I could write so much about settler colonialism* and the Hylians#(*I think settler colonialism paired with neo-colonialism and imperialism would be more interesting than the usual narrative of extractive#coloniaism. but also take that with a sea of salt cause no narrative surrounding colonization is really. mainstream.)#barebones of this fic idea is half-sheikah Zelda & Gerudo Shadow as foils for each other#w/ Zelda having the experience of like. 2nd gen E Asian immigrant assimilation & loss of cultural heritage while being raised in a white#society— with scraps of her textbooks and life showcasing the retelling of the colonization of the Gerudo. meanwhile Shadow is V aware of#his culture & history because Ganon’s main goal is to take control of the Hylian empire to make them pay for their past crimes#which manifests in Ganondorf being an abusive father who torments his own son because he believes it will make him strong enough to fight#against the Hylians. however surprise surprise abuse actually drives Shadow further away and he seeks refuge in Zelda & brings her books#on sheikah culture as a way to connect to her— through their shared ties to the Yiga…#and I have more but I think I’m gonna hit the tag limit and I’m rambling but like. SO MANY IDEAS#it works better visually I think though. so there’s that too. plus as aforementioned I do not have any of the things I need to write this#and it’s really important to me that it’s written well. so. that too. if I was gonna do this it would take forever with extra research &shit
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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