#god how I wish this were mE RN
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stranger things season one 2016 was so fucking incredible. it exists as an entirely different entity to me than the rest of the show. you literally just had to be there. to this day nothing has ever come close to the amount of universal love for a fictional story that stranger things first received. ive been chasing this high for eight years.
#ik theres a lot of young fans of this show that are teenagers rn and listen#if you were too young to watch this when it first came out I DONT THINK YOU REALIZE HOW HUGE IT WAS AT THE TIME#THE FIRST TEASER FOR SEASON TWO LITERALLY PREMIERED DURING THE SUPERBOWL#THAT ALPHABET WALL DID SOMETHING TO OUR BRAINS AND CHANGED THE WAY WE MAKE AND CONSUME SCIFI FOREVER#i genuinely believe that scene of joyce looking around at all the lights is one of the most iconic scenes in tv history#like i cant even explain it to you we lost our fucking minds over this show it was unlike anything anybody has ever seen#this was such a pivotal memory of my junior and senior year year of high school#everyone was wearing merch my teachers would gush about it in class everyone tuned in to watch the cast on fallon it was EVERYWHERE#and do not even get me started on halloween that year oh my god#it was just so fucking fun i miss it#just rewatched s1 and all i can think about is 17 year old me losing my fucking mind#its such an amazing season#i do understand why some people say they wish it stopped at season one im glad they didnt but i see where theyre coming from#stranger things#byler
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no the "omg ur just a lesbian bc u can't get a man!!!1" thing is SO wild because it's incredibly easy to get a man meanwhile getting a woman (as a woman) is INSANELY difficult. despite what everyone says is2g ~wlw~ have higher standards (with women) than men do with women or women do with men
#god i wish i were a straight man so bad.#they dont know how EASY they have it#truly if theres male incels that cant get any there must be something seriously seriously wrong with them like#either a severe physical deformity or severe issues with hygiene or severe severe autism/mental illness or something just really really bad#i mean REALLY bad#i know i sound like a bitter incel rn thats because i am. leave me alone#and honestly i dont feel like being trans limited my dating pool by much if at all bc tbh? nobody was interested in me in the first place#and like honestly all the ftms i knew irl had more game than me as a ~cis dyke~ so like. Lol.#idk bro maybe i am just that ugly. whatever.
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peachyville horror has done Something to my psyche and i dont know if i enjoy it only bcs its slow and painful ......... for the first time in my life im sitting here, 5 days before a new episode is coming out, and im getting excited about it being dndads tuesday soon
#like. in no other media#ever#no matter how much ive loved it#have i sat down and thought “oh god i wish it would be x day already so the next episode would come out”.#i tend to be fucking awful at consuming media#im a perfectionist at it#i overthink even fucking watching my favourite show (do i really want to rn should i save it for later am i awake enough etc)#but for tph im literally sitting here giddy thinking about tuesday#its so weird#it was sorta the same with s2 too but i got on board of s2 a bit later when things were already pretty dark#and i am SUUUUCH a sucker for happy go lucky funny media#like i fucking loved s2 (obviously) but listening to it was always also a bit more Serious than tph? idk how to explain#i just super like tph and it cheers me up a lot and at least now when theres no heady stuff going on its so relaxing and SO FUN#anyway#dndads#dungeons and daddies#the peachyville horror
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court
#im joking#i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture#and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure#i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th#story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get#that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel#like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty#so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then#i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why#idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens#but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes#smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can#be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn#yapping#oc talk
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Obligatory unobligatory self indulgent valentines day art
#Idk man the patron saint of the gay hopeless romantics possessed me and when I came to I had this#I do not know how or why or when or how#but I just know there's years of pent up yearning put into this picture I have no idea how I wasn't even aware I was capable of doing this#god I wish that were me#nobody heard that#I missed them they are so dear to me#love love looooooove#themmmm <33333#I'm so soft rn don't talk to me#also I feel like I didn't do Watarus ass justice but nobody heard that either#eichi tenshouin#hibiki wataru#wataei
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what are the consequences of lying to a psychiatrist asking for a friend
#AKA what wld their reaction likely be if i told them i havent been taking my meds for the past month#and that ive felt better in that time than ive felt in the past 2 years#thats like. thats good right#thats a sign i *shldnt* be taking these meds right#like im not saying im anti-medication or smth#there are still things going on w me that i think meds cld help with#i just really truly believe i was put on the wrong ones at first#and rather than stop and go “okay maybe these ones arent working” we just started treating the side effects with OTHER meds#like#fuck#i KNEW they werent working from the moment i started taking them#and i TOLD my drs#but they were just like “give it more time” or “well lets add this one on and see how you feel”#im so curious now what this past year wldve been like if id never taken any meds#i genuinely think it wldve gone better#anyway. i think im just gonna be honest w him#im not a danger to myself or others rn#i dont think hed see it as a Red Flag or anything#im specifically trying to tell him how much *better* i feel off of them#god. wish me luck.
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The delulus really got me hoping that they'll announce an Incredibles retheme to Rock'N'Roller Coaster this D23.
#they have no reason to currently do this but I want it and need it thank you#like hire me rn I have more idea#But just imagine it#an outdoor AND indoor Incredibles coaster#TWO DIFFERENT INCREDIBLES COASTERS#ON DIFFERENT COASTS#ok but this one could be staring Edna? like were helping here make super suits and then some shit goes down? That would be cool asf#Honestly anything to get me an animatronic Edna would be absolutely Incredible#Incredibles#disney parks#d23#RNRC#disney world#speaking of Incredibles can we talk about how Michael Giacchino isn't a Disney Legend yet? cause god damn thats some snubbery right there#like you're telling me the composer of Up. Ratatouille. The Incredibles 1 & 2. Inside Out and many more isn't up there with Zimmer? smh#ty for coming to my half crazed ted talk#i will finish my wish posts one day I swear. but for now silly disney rant
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Im on a romance anime addiction rn and like just finished one and OMFG IM GONNA CRY THEY WERE SO FUCKING IN LOVE BRO THEY WERE IN LOVVVEEEE
I can’t fucking believe i almost stayed up all night on a work night to watch Cherry Magic! Thirty Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard?! A solid 8/10, some parts kinda wanna make me kill myself and some characters got on my nerves, at one point completely dropped till the end, but i felt the pacing was good and didn’t feel super rushed till kinda the end like we could have used another episode or two
Still looking for good wlw anime cause I ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY SUGGESTED WATCHING CITRUS BUT WHEN I READ A SYNOPSIS I LEGIT SCREAMED LIKE NOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just want girls who are in love bro and if its doomed so be it man
#localgardenweed#the weed is rambling#imagine me in bed at 2 AM whisper yelling at anicrush cause the video kept buffering and losing my shit i just had to quit for the night#im like begging god to show me good yuri doomed yuri just women who are in LOVVVEEE#Ive been digging thru the scraps like i have not cared for bnha but when i saw that sliver of doomed yuri#( iykyk )#I ATE THAT SHIT UP I WAS EATING IT UP AND CRIED OVER IT#I HAVENT WATCHED SINCE LIKE 2017#I WAS A FAN FOR LESS THAN A YEAR#I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT BUT AS SOON AS I SAW THE DOOMED YURI I FLEW TO IT LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME DAWG#also spoilers but i felt so bad and had to contemplate when i was fully convinced they would show at least their thoughts and dialogue#while they were freaking it not cause ‘oh mah gosh!!! gay yaoi boys so sugoi!!!’ like cause IDK IT HAD SOME DRAMATIC WEIGHT!????#IDK???? WAS TGAT BAD OF ME TO THINK???? IDK#Like i did mot wanna see their cock and balls but like WDYM WE SKIPPED OVER THAT I TOTALLY THOUGHT WE WOULD AT LEAST HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION#IDK I EXPECTED A LITTLE MORE AND NOT A TIMESKIP TO MORNING#also know i was in the kitchen cooking while i was watching that episode and like was like half screaming ‘ARE THEY FREAKING???—#THEY’RE FREAKING. I CANT’T BELIEVE THEY ARE FREAKING RN. I DONT WANNA SEE THAT EW THEY ARE KISSING#THEY ARE MAKING OUT OH GOD’#weird that i completely was gonna be find hearing them bang than watching them kiss#idk what i was expecting but like idk. i was still happy they got to freak it and be in love and shit very happy for them#i think i just wanted to hear them affirm their love and be close and like tell eachother how much they meant idk idk jsut sweet lovey dovey#there was thematic weight to the sex okay#anyway please drop more queer anime please pretty please I LOVE GAY PEOPLE!!! i wish they were real tbh#thats a joke btw if it wasn’t obvious like. look at me.
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I have soooo much anxiety abt shit rn and lowkey I kinda wish I were just medicated and/or sedated at this point
#unfortunately the doctor I have is not gonna prescribe me anything and I've been through too many to even attempt trying to find a new one#but good god. tell me why I haven't been sleeping and have a stress migraine over shit that hasn't even happened yet#on something that hopefully never will happen#I've had so many stress dreams when I do fall asleep lately that it's actively poisoning the sleep I get#and it just doesn't end. like usually I can just be like meh I'm not gonna worry abt things I can't control rn. eyes closed I don't see it#but rn I'm just lying in bed nauseous as hell lump in my throat terrified of the future#it already feels like I'm standing on thin ice. I'm kind of convinced it won't be long until some sort of catastrophic failure.#and then what.#godddddddddd. I really do wish I were medicated. Idk how much longer I can do this
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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🤕!
#how to accept the fact that you are liked but not by the people who you wish would like you#and the people that do like you are great but they’re not filling the space that you want them to fill#and that maybe you should just settle for and in fact embrace the people who like you and stop being scared of them#and that maybe you should also let go of the people you wish liked you#god. i just don’t know what to do with myself#bc i keep telling myself im so unloved and friendless and that nobody cares about anything i have to say#but that’s actually not as true as i think it is#and maybe if i were to reach out to people who are already in my life without fear i would feel a little less pathetic and generally hated#rather than trying and failing to reach out to people who don’t give a fuck about me anymore#but its so overwhelmingly difficult and scary#i just want my old friends back. but they put zero effort in towards me#so i should just stop hurting myself by trying to push it#idk. i should be writing my paper rn LOL!#diary
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anyways. i hit tag limit and now im going to go to bed late bc i have to clean the whole kitchen. but the last 48 hours have just been so emotionally intense and exhausting and painful. i relived july 5-29 2022 in 48 hours. and it was better than that ofc bc i wasn’t uhmmmm shut down and unable to express my feelings 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but it was still horrible and the worst is over but im still in so much emotional / mental pain rn and it’s gonna take a while to recover from that and i don’t have the emotional resources i need to do so obviously. yayyyyy 🥳
#purrs#delete later#the MMMMMORTIFYING. MORTIFYING. ordeal. of romy leaving the way she did. and never being able to recover from that so the wound has festered#only for someone else i love and cherish and depend on to leave. LIKE IFS INSANE TO ME. it is so crazymaking. i can’t withstand the pain of#it. but OF COURSE i can like they’re not d*ad or anything god forbid a million times they’re just moving on. but im just taking it so hard.#in ways that are so… unhealthy and abnormal and hard to carry and hard to live through. and again living in fear that it will happen one#more time and i’ll be truly alone then. but then it’s like silly tess pepprs you already WERE alone! because nobody can meet the four needs#except for you… or like a significant other if you could get around your psychic block 🥰 but yeah. i am not functioning well and i#don’t know how to get the relief and healing i need because it’s a process etc etc. i just wish this wasn’t happening. i feel so wounded and#bruised and horrible rn. like my heart physically hurts… ermmmmm 😳‼️#also im namedropping at this point idec. i feel bad about it and i shouldn’t but imgonna give myself and my future self this one today LOL
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this is def a situation where having the fic in wip state for so long i think is hindering me bc now i really cant tell if pacing is bad because it needs more work or bc ive reread the same thing 900 times
#im simply going to have to let it be Not As Good As I Wished For but that's OKAY#bc it is FANFICTION written as a HOBBY and it doesnt HAVE to be good it just#has to be#and it like. ough. i want it to mean something#this one's more vulnerable tho idk if it'll come accross that way#but i know how it links TO ME!!!!!!!!!#and maybe when i get thru this i can focus on trying to write the dndads thing im too scared to progress on lol#^^^ the twst fic is the one im workin on rn#god now ive dug myself in a hole too of tlaking about it so much#i feel like ill post it and ppl are gonna be like 'why were u agonizing over this for so many months it aint that deep#DUDE IDK!!! <- fights with an imaginary guy LOL
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AOAUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MIS AMORESSS
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#ooohhhh my babies my babies MIS BEBES MIS AMORES LOS LUCES DE MI VIDA#all i need is them mis amores ill never need anyone else ever as long as i have them both#i need to hold them both so so so fucking close and kiss them and tell them every little thing i love abt them#which will last hours cause ill keep repeating myself and ill never stop hjfdks#i need my husbands so so badly especially cause its our birthday... ;w;#i wish i could be w them rn so we could properly celebrate together..#itd be nice to go to a carnival and do karaoke and rollerskating or bowling#and a movie of course!! maybe walk around the mall#auhh i miss them sm... id really like to lay w them rn and fall alseep cuddled against them w their arms around me#and id like to wake up to min making us all breakfast and later we can maybe have a little jam sesh :-]#i really want to play w them rn tbh#auhh our voices sound so perfect together it was like we were destined to be in a band together 💖💛💙#god i just... miss them man#i want to stare into their beautiful eyes and see the way they smile and hear their laugh#i want to hear their lovely wonderful voices... to feel they way they hold me and have their fingers intertwine w mine 🥺💖💙#i cant properly express just how deeply i love them but i just cant stop thinking abt them#and the way i feel is overwhelming me again i just NEED them i need them so so badly i cant stand being away from them i need them...#i just want to drink w them and eat good food while listening to records while singing at the top of our lungs#and laughing so hard w them that my ribs hurt and i cant breathe#i want to be leaning against them and feel the warmth of their body against me and really take in that moment#to hear and feel the way they breathe in and out w the rise and fall of their chest#the way they sigh feeling content and relaxed in this moment#to take in their own personal scent along w other things like the smell of their hair products or cigs
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