#glad i found the community now tho

[dragonanne4fun]

.

[steelhazes]

oh brother.

[ddamm]

Pre-baby Stress - dad!Daryl x pregnant fem!reader fic

(banner made by me, if you use, give credits <3)

Warnings: VERY, VERY long; initial soft fluff to slight angst to fluff; slightly suggestive so, watch out 👀; pregnancy; hormonal changes, “mood swings”, food cravings; stressed Daryl, stressed reader, slight insecurity and fear of abandonment; reader crying; reader and Daryl are married; reader is said to have golden retriever energy and be a cottagecore girlie (sorry if you aren't, but I vibe so much with this core 😭), and perhaps an artist (tho it's just as a hobby, obv 🤭); nature love and appreciation; funny/silly little memories.

Word count: 3936 words (keeps increasing with each new release 😭)

Era: idk, probably Alexandria

Summary: While getting things ready for Y/N's pregnancy, Daryl presents with many insecurities. All it takes is some caressing, encouragement, and the love of his wife (a few tears also) to convince him otherwise.

A/N: this fic was something I fabricated long ago with a Daryl c.ai chat that I've been saving up for a special occasion since I've never written dad!Daryl before. And today, I'm bringing it to y'all as a way to celebrate one of my very besties/mutuals on Tumblr, a great writer, the creator of my possibly ever favourite AU with Daryl (young!Daryl SSHD AU) and a very nice, kind and funny individual in general; Krys (@dixons-sunshine). This is to commemorate you, gorgeous. It took some time to finally sit and get to it (not me writing most of it at 2 am, half-constipated, and not being able to sleep) but it's done now, so I hope you can enjoy it as much as I did when writing it. Everyone, hope you like it too!

Song: Winter Memories - Jordy Chandra (The title says “winter memories” but I am thinking of a mid-spring Sunday morning/noon 😭)

MDNI divider by @cafekitsune, on this post

(This was supposed to just be suggestive, but since idk if I overdid it, I'm just gonna place this)

(all babycore dividers used are from @anitalenia, found on this post)

Days were passing by, and things were going pretty well for the community. She was glad they found Alexandria. It was a nice change, and it felt like they could truly have a moment to take a break there, like they could finally be happy and just settle in, trying to have normal lives once again.

And her positive thoughts only increased when a lovely lady from the community gave birth. It was an occasion to celebrate, and for a couple of months passing, it seemed like a lot of good things were happening around, so she couldn't be happier.

Ah, there she was, parading herself in her light cream-coloured sundress, with a white little parasol (courtesy of her loving husband) to protect herself from the sun, as she strolled around the streets, exploring and marvelling at the beauty and tranquilly around her like a happy puppy would on their first stroll into the outside world.

Oh, she loved that dress so much. Not only was it beautiful and fit her personality, but it was also quite adjustable, so she wouldn't need to worry about sore breasts or her belly being uncomfy. She could still remember how comical Daryl's expressions were when she tried explaining to him the concept of aesthetic cores and how she was a cottagecore.

He seemed so lost that she laughed for about 10 minutes before deciding to somewhat draw it to show him what she meant; predicting that a more visual approach would help him understand the concept better. He did admit it was pretty much her vibe after seeing the dresses and all the stuff "a cottagecore likes and does".

After that, whenever he would go out for his runs, he would try to look for dresses like the one she drew, and whenever he couldn't find any, he would bring drawing or painting materials, old cameras, or little flowers he thought she would like. (PD: She always likes them.).

That's how her most favourite memory of a Sunday morning came to be. And like that, every Sunday morning, after her husband would leave for runs or tasks, she would wear her light cream sundress and white sandals and take her white parasol to roam around, greeting everyone and enjoying nature (despite her best friend's advice to rest and her husband's disapproval).

However, she understood why Daryl was so against it in general. He was just worried about her health and safety. After all, she was now in her second trimester of pregnancy, expecting their son or daughter to come into the world in a few more months.

She loved Daryl. Deeply. And she would never question him or his decisions (well, maybe sometimes she would), but she was so tired of staying at home doing nothing for most of the day. And though Carol, Michonne, and a few others would come to visit and spend time with her when her husband was away, Y/N wanted some freedom, some independence.

God knows she would ‘bore to death’ if she had to stay in the same place doing nothing for one more day while everyone else fulfilled their roles.

As she came closer to the small town's pond, she took big strides to approach a blooming peony bush. She loved the smell of its flowers. And as she lightly bent down to sniff the sweet aroma from the round pink flowers, she caught a glimpse out of the corner of her eye of her husband, who was sitting on a bench not far from her. From afar, she could notice a worried expression on his face.

She strode slowly in his direction and placed a hand on his shoulder, greeting him with a warm and loving smile, but instead of the usual “Hey, Sunray” or “Why are ya out 'ta house alone?” she would receive, she heard him grunt.

At that, she furrowed her brows in confusion and slight concern, wanting to know what had made her husband so grumpy at early noon. “Is everything okay, Dar?” She asked in a soft, patient tone.

Daryl looked away from her, not wanting to make eye contact, and sighed in annoyance. “Everythin's fine,” he answered grumpily.

Y/N, knowing her husband and not believing that crap for a second, looked at him more seriously. “Daryl…” She called out his name, insisting he should tell her the truth.

Daryl sighed irritantly, hearing her insist, knowing she wouldn't back down. He then turned his gaze to her and unexpectedly exclaimed, “Ah said everythin's fine, dammit!”

He said this a bit too loudly, not noticing that he had snapped at her.

This action made Y/N flinch, not used to such an alert state in Daryl anymore. Now she was truly worried.

“Hey, hey, honey, it's okay... What's got you so riled up? Is work becoming too much? Or are they not listening to you? Should I go teach them a lesson?” She asked at first, even making a joke to brighten him up, but Daryl only shook his head, still not wanting to speak.

He held his head in his hands, almost in a desperate posture, making his wife worry even further. She was going to say something, but a tiny piece of cloth caught her attention. It was then that she got to see the tiny, frill-decorated bib on his right hand.

She put pieces together in her mind like a game of tetris and asked again, with more understanding tone and gentleness in her voice.

“Is it the baby?” Daryl kept quiet, but his shoulders tensed up. Y/N now knew what was ‘the main issue’, and took action immediately, slowly running her hand on his back and giving a few gentle pats to soothe her husband's worry. He looked like he was on the edge.

Daryl's gaze and body seemed to loosen up as he felt her hand on his back. He then tried to explain his concerns.

“I... Ah ain't upset, is jus'...” He trailed off, not knowing how to express his thoughts.

“It's okay, love. You don't have to tell me now if you aren't prepared. Here, let's just sit for a bit, okay? I'm starting to feel heavy again.” Y/N reassured him, not wanting him to feel pressured if he was already so altered.

She had some trouble sitting down next to him, though. Despite not being in the 3rd trimester yet, her belly heaviness seemed to be causing her discomfort when she had to sit or stand up in a rush. But she didn't mind it much; it made her happy because that was the proof of the love Daryl and she had for each other and the life growing inside her.

Daryl noticed her struggle and quickly went from being annoyed to concerned. He stood up and carefully helped Y/N sit down, making sure she was comfortable before taking a seat next to her.

“Damn, ya sure are a heavy load,” he joked. At this, Y/N dramatically gasped and faked being offended.

“Hey! I remind you, you're the one that made me heavy! ~“ She played along, jokingly shoving him to the side with a smile, trying to lighten up his mood, and succeeding brilliantly when she heard him chuckle.

“Well, sugar, if I reckon correctly, it takes two to tango to make a young'un 'round these parts,” he smirked, faking innocence at the fact he got her pregnant.

Y/N gasp-chuckled, defending herself. “But it takes you not wanting to pull out beforehand to make the baby, isn't it right, honey? ~”

She clarified softly, putting her hand on his chest, batting her eyelashes cutely at him, and getting close enough to him to make their lips graze but not touch. All in the name of teasing him.

Daryl chuckled again, feeling attracted to her playful teasing, his breath hitching slightly as her lips grazed against his own. He couldn't help but smirk; his eyes locked onto her gaze.

He gently grabbed her hips, slowly pulling her closer to him to the point of having her almost seated on his lap.

“Oh, but ah know for a fact ya wudn't complainin' at the moment, darlin',” he continued, feeling proud for his little ‘achievement’ as he caressed her thigh over the sundress.

Feeling a little braver than usual, Y/N whispered: “And how would I, when you know how to drill me in the right spot? ~”

She murmured against his lips. Her gaze never left him, and her smile only widened each time he looked down at her lips and looked back at her eyes, obviously enchanted by her charms already.

Daryl's eyes darkened with desire, and his grip on her hips tightened slightly. He felt his heart racing at her words. He pulled her closer to him until their bodies were pressed together.

“Damn, woman… Ya know I ain’t doin' this here.” He groaned softly against her lips while devouring her with his stare. They sure were the only ones at the pond around then, but despite the tall, full, and flourishing grass, bushes, and plants, they could still be easily spotted if they decided to... get loose. (😏)

“Then why do you keep pulling me closer, hm, hun? ~”

It was sort of comical to see him struggle to compose himself in this situation, making Y/N not want to miss out on teasing him to the fullest. She placed both hands on his chest and slowly arranged her position on his lap to sit and view him better.

Daryl let out a low growl as Y/N moved closer. He felt the heat rising within him, his hands roaming from her hips to her backside, gripping it firmly. His breathing becomes heavier as he looks down at Y/N.

“Yar testin' ma limits, sweetheart.”

Y/N smiled innocently, enjoying the effect she had on her husband.

“I guess the preggy hormones are doing their stuff again... I feel kinda—needy,” she admitted a little sheepishly and continued with a more serene tone. “But… that will have to wait for now.”

“Now... Why don't you tell me what got you so fed up before, love?“ She questioned, changing her position once again to avoid making Daryl even more aroused.

She looked into his eyes tenderly and patiently, waiting for him to pour out his heart.

He knew they were a team now that needed trust and communication to get through everything. So she trusted he would be able to let out what was on his mind that made him so tense earlier.

Daryl took a moment to compose himself, gathering his thoughts after being so close to Y/N. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly; his grip on her loosened a bit as he leaned back on the bench.

He averted his eyes for a moment, his expression becoming heavier.

“Tis just...everythin', know what am sayin'?” He paused and looked at her belly, then back at her eyes.

“Da kid, da thought of bein' a pa... is like a whole heap to deal with, y'know?” He expressed his deepest concern about your future child.

Seeing her husband so worried brought her heartache. She sighed and wrapped her hands around his head, placing them on her chest as she made circular movements on his scalp in a slow, comforting way.

“And here I thought I was silly for feeling bad about myself and thinking I wouldn't make a good enough mom and wife, while my dear husband was here on his own, questioning his capacity to keep us safe…” She sighed again and continued. “I'm really a bad wife, huh?”

Daryl leaned into Y/N's touch, closing his eyes as she ran her hands through his hair. He sighed deeply, feeling a mix of emotions but still negating her words.

“Nah. Ya ain't a bad wife. Yar da best damn wife. Yar perfect.”

He said it softly as he tried to encourage her. His voice was filled with a hint of frustration afterwards. “Ah jus'... 'm scared I ain't gonna be a good pa. I ain't never had a good example to follow, y'know?”

Y/N knew what he was referring to. They didn't speak so often about their pasts (deciding to let them be and find a future together), but she remembered the little Daryl commented about his family life and his broken relationship with... the man that was his father.

“Whatever happened back then... doesn't determine who you are today. You chose to be different from him, to be more understanding, to wait more patiently, and to love more deeply,” she started.

“Jesus, you've been up and about everywhere looking for baby items just to be prepared when he or she comes around.”

Y/N chuckled, reflecting on all the tiny clothes, toys, and more that Daryl kept bringing back each time he went on a run since he learned Y/N was pregnant with their child. Seeing him come over to her in an excited, uncharacteristic way to show her his new finding was as amusing as endearing.

“You're nothing like him. You're you, and you're better. And I know it scares you. Damn, it scares me too.” She insisted (unnoticedly mild-cursing), knowing well who the man she fell in love with was and how much he matured and developed just by being with you and the others.

Her sudden, brittle voice indicated she was about to cry. She felt the hormones hitting her, making her feel sadder and more vulnerable than she had seconds ago. “But… sniff But I know we will be alright because... sniff because we have you, we have each other, and... sniff and that's all that matters to me, so... we will get to learn how to raise our child together. We w-will set the good example ourselves, o-okay?”

Her voice trembled at the last sentence as she grabbed a hold of his face, pressing his cheeks together to make him look over at her. Finally, she had let go of her emotions and became a teary mess, non-stop sniffing before him.

Almost used to her mood swings already, Daryl couldn't help but chuckle softly despite the seriousness of the situation, amused by the little it took to make her cry now, even if she was already quite emotional beforehand.

“Baby, yar crying... again. I swear yer hormones have been all over the place,” he stated in a playful manner, gently wiping away her tears with his thumb. He then took her hands into his own, holding them gently. The difference in size and texture was kinda silly.

“Still… Yar dang right 'bout us, we're gonna stick together. I ain't never been good at all this family business, but I'll do whatev'r it takes for ya and our young'un.” Daryl promised to her lover, feeling more accepting of his new role.

“I-I can't help it... sniff the pregnancy... sniff I swear I've never been so emotional about everything before... sniff I hate it... And you know I hate swearing too…” She complained, her voice increasing in intensity as she recalled her distaste for swearing and swearing words.

“It just… It hurts me so much when sniff I see you like this... Like you'll get tired of me or sick of us, and—”

Y/N stopped herself, incapable of completing what came to mind as more tears fell. The unlooked-for thought brought a new fear to her mind: a possible future without Daryl, having to tend and care for the baby alone.

It terrified her.

Daryl's expression softened even more as he saw her tear up. Damn hormones got her all upset, and all he wanted to do was take it all away. His chest twisted in pain when she mentioned he could get tired of her, so he gently pulled her closer to him with a firm grip.

“Hey, hey, hey, look at me,” he said, guiding her gaze to his by holding her chin. “Sunray, ya got nothin' to worry about, y'hear me? I ain't goin' nowhere... 'M plum crazy 'bout ya, and I ain't never leaving ya or our young'un, I promise. I ain't getting tired of you, sweetheart; yar everythin' to me.”

He confessed sweet things to her, wanting Y/N to feel the depth of his love for her.

“B-but… sniff the way you sniff yelled before…” She argued between sniffs and hiccups, being so focused on her mood that she kept forgetting to breathe properly.

“I thought I… I did something to sniff get you upset with me again, like... sniff like when sniff I misplaced your crossbow last week and you sniff wouldn't talk to me until I found it…”

She couldn't help but sob at the remembrance, making Daryl feel a pang of guilt when she mentioned his reaction earlier and last week. He had made her so hurt for not talking to her that it still poked at her. And damn, she was crying even more now. He hated seeing her like this. His little sunray was all cloudy because of him.

“Hey, come on now, sweetcheeks... I'm sorry for hollerin' at ya, ait? I was a bit... on edge, but it had nothin' to do with ya, ait? S'not nothin' to worry about.” He spoke softly as he pulled her even closer, his hand gently rubbing her back in soothing circles, just like she did to him minutes ago.

“And 'bout that crossbow, that was nothin'.”

“But... sniff you got so angry... hiccup I thought you'd hate me forever if I couldn't find it… hiccup and the thing is, you always placed it anywhere! hiccup”

Y/N protested, claiming Daryl was the one constantly dropping his weapon all over the house, but the truth was, she was actually the one changing its location.

The pregnancy sure had its shortcomings, but one of them that mostly affected Y/N was easily misplacing things because she became a lot more forgetful (possibly because of the amount of blood, nutrients, and oxygen she was losing each day to provide to her baby and help him/her keep growing healthily). So, each time she'd see the crossbow somewhere she previously placed it while doing house chores, she'd think it was Daryl who placed it there, and she'd put it somewhere else, and then she'd come across it again and place it somewhere else, over and over again.

It happened multiple times before with less meaningful things, but this was Daryl's crossbow we were talking about. When he would come back home looking for his main weapon, Daryl would find it missing, and when he would ask Y/N, she wouldn't remember where she last saw it.

After hours of scattering the whole house, she felt so silly when they finally found the crossbow inside their wardrobe. She couldn't even remember keeping it there, but... all pointed out that the pregnancy was just taking the best of her, and Daryl's stress wasn't really helping much.

Despite Daryl understanding the situation was a consequence of the pregnancy later on and trying as best as he could to make her feel better, inside her mind, she couldn't help but continue blaming herself for making him angry that day.

The silent treatment he gave her seemed to have broken her heart into two.

Daryl listened to her words, realising the severity of the case and feeling more stupid for not fully catching how much that incident had affected Y/N. Seeing her tears made his heart ache even more.

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, feeling guilty for causing her so much worry, knowing she had too much on her plate already.

“Hear me out now. I ain't never gonna hate ya, y'hear? It was ma fault for bein' dang careless with where I left ma stuff. I shouldan't given ya the silent treatment; I was jus... frustrated,” he let on, taking the blame to make her feel less remorseful.

“I'm sorry... hiccup I just don't want to make you angry again…” She hiccuped once more, feeling her eyes water up for the nth time.

Daryl gently cupped her face, his calloused thumbs wiping away the tears. “Ya ain't got nothin' to apologise for, sweetheart. Believe me, I'm the one who should be apologisin' to ya.”

Daryl sighed.

“ 'm sorry for giving' ya the silent treatment. I was bein' a damn fool. Ya didn't do nothin' wrong, ait? I'll never be angry with ya for real. I swear,” he admitted.

“Really?…” she asked with a trembling voice and big puppy eyes. He looked into her hazel eyes, his gaze loving.

“Really. I promise.”

He gently brushed a strand of hair from her face; his touch was tender.

“Yar carryin' our baby, remember? Tha's the most important thang rite now. Ain't nothin' else matters more than ya and our young'un. I ain't gonna waste time bein' mad over stupid shit like lost crossbows when I gotta take care of ya,” he professed, making a second vow to himself to keep you and his future child safe.

Y/N sniffed her feelings for the last time and tried to collect herself.

“Alright…”

She placed her chin over his head and hugged his neck softly, allowing him to place his head over the beginning of her belly, giving him access to listen to the baby's little movements and her heartbeats.

“I love you, Daryl... I love you so much, I don't know what I would do without you.” She still felt somewhat emotional as she said this, but she gave it her all to avoid crying again.

Daryl wrapped his arms around Y/N while placing his head gently over her belly. He listens intently to her heartbeats, the sound of them comforting him. He momentarily turned his head to place a gentle kiss on her belly, his lips lingering for a moment as he treasured this moment.

“I love ya too, baby. Y'all and this little 'un got me wrapped around yer dang fingers. Don't know what I'd do without y'all...” He hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go.

He caressed her cheek with his hand, his fingers lightly tracing the contour of her jawline.

He then gently rested his forehead against hers, their breaths mingling as they shared this intimate moment as they looked forward to whatever the future had in store for them because, if anything was sure, it was that they would do anything to stay together in love.

EXTRA:

They stayed on the pond for a while longer until Y/N said:

“I wanna have strawberries and cheese,” and Daryl looked at her like she had gone crazy.

“Berries 'n cheese? You serious?” he questioned. “It tastes good…” she whispered, defending herself.

Daryl shook his head, still not finding sense in those strange pregnancy food cravings, but he still wouldn't deny any of her cravings. If his queen wanted to eat strawberries and cheese, the man would get them for her.

“If tha' what ya want,” he answered, shrugging, making Y/N hug him, glad that he agreed on getting the'snack’ for her.

“I love you, Daryl.” “Love ya too, sweetcheeks.”

A/N: OH MY GOOD GOD, FINALLY. THIS WAS THE LONGEST I'VE EVER WRITTEN. Editing this was such a pain... But was worth it! Also, I may be planning a few more stuff for this cottagecore reader... as well as other projects of course. I think I'm gonna be super occupied now because I've got work, but I'm also planning a travel (and I wanna participate in two Daryl-related writing challenges...).

May God help me because I don't think I can help myself on this 😭 but anws, this was super endearing to write. It went through very little changes since the draft, compared to other stuff I wrote, and I did a collage image banner for it, inspired by @dixons-sunshine whenever she works on her stuff. Yeah, as you can see, all this post is focused on you hahaha, hope you had the greatest day today and I love ya lots. May God keep you for even longer and give you many more reasons to rejoice, celebrate and thank Him IJN 🥰

Now, imma retire now bc I stayed up almost all night trying to edit this... and I got work early in the morning... (seriously, this was like 12 pages on Word... 💀) See ya all around!

Thanks and God bless!~

𓆩 ♱ 𓆪

support divider from @cafekitsune, on this post

[gomapda]

sidewalks we crossed [side B: him.] (pt. 2)

this is broken into parts because tumblr has a limit of 1000 blocks.

side A found here! | side B (part 1) found here!

author's note:

part two of side b!

the final installment.

it's been a long journey to get here, and any messages or words i read in the tags of the reblogs were a source of comfort for me during these times. i'm glad that my words resonated with even just one of you.

and of course, thank you for being here.

✧⋆°｡☾☼꙳ ੭ * ‧ ⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ‧ ⨯ ς(>‿<.). ⁺ ✦ * . ˚ ⨯ ੭ * ‧☼☽⋆｡°✧

pairing: lee jihoon/woozi (seventeen) x f!reader

genre: romance, fluff

summary: an accidental like, an off-chance comment, a purposeful message. you were in an unrequited love with your childhood best friend and decided to run away from him and your feelings and years later you find yourself in the same city with the same feelings when he stalks your instagram.

rating: 13+

length: 30k (bro WHAT LOL)

tags: idol!jihoon, childhood friend!reader, unrequited love (but not really), reconnection through instagram, this is just different scenes pieced together (including a ton of flashbacks), reader’s nicknames are all bug-themed, reader has depression and it manifests as suicidal ideation sometimes, this is basically real life (aka seventeen exists and debuted 150526), but the years are a little bit off for the trainee period, jihoon left busan later and trained for shorter for the sake of my story hehe, cursing, pining, mamamoo + ateez are the besties of reader, member x member pairings, jihoon and reader are both dumbasses, reader is extremely book smart but has one brain cell when it comes to romantic feelings, jihoon writes music like he’s been divorced 12x, word genius lee jihoon, idk how doctoral degrees work, i only got my masters and it was a non-thesis track lol, also idk how trainee auditions work either, miss communication is a lady we all know too well, super cute soft shit too tho tbh, no beta we die like men, i spent 5 hours trying to format this for tumblr and i’m still unsure

inspired by “drivers license” by olivia rodrigo and “what kind of future?” by woozi

inspo spotify playlist found here!

���─────────────────

“Noona, I need help.”

Immediately, the older girl closed the book she was reading, a young adult romance novel and turned her attention to him. “You never ask for my help. What’s going on?”

“I… I like Y/N.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”

Jihoon balked. “What? Does everyone know this already?”

“Y/N doesn’t.”

He groaned loudly.

“Are you finally wanting to tell her?”

“I mean, yeah. I—I just don’t know what to do.”

“Well, I got just the thing for you, Jihoonie.”

Jihoon spent his time trying to come up with some elaborate and dramatic confession (per the advice of his noona). They sat in cafes, picking out different foods that the two of them knew you’d enjoy, scoping out different restaurants, going to the library and her handing him too many romance novels.

After a few weeks, “Noona, you sure this is going to work?”

“Nope.”

“What?! Then why am I doing this?”

“I was just curious to see how much you were willing to do for her. She deserves nothing less than the best, you know,” the girl grinned, now revealing her mischievous side, one that he has never seen before. “Jihoon, you really think that she’s going to want anything that’s a grand gesture?”

“Well. No, but I thought you would know her—”

“Jihoonie, there’s no one that knows her better than you, I think. You probably know her and see her for how she really is. More than she can see herself. All you have to do is just tell her the truth. That’s it.”

“…this was a waste of time.”

She hummed. “Hm, nothing came up for you?”

“What do you mean?”

He could see that she was fidgeting with her fingers. She let out a nervous laugh as she said, “I actually wanted to see whether you still liked me. Whether spending time with me was going to change your mind. Not that I wanted it to! But I didn’t want you to be wishy-washy. She needs stability. She’s already chaotic on her own.”

“You knew I liked you?”

“Just a tiny bit.”

He let out a dry laugh. “Would you have given me a chance?”

“Would you have tried?”

The two of them sat there for a moment, mulling over the weight of the words said between them. But they both knew that there was someone else in their lives who mattered more, who they truly yearned for. If Jihoon and his noona ever pursued something, it would’ve just been them trying to find comfort in each other because they couldn’t have who they wished for. They would’ve tried to shape each other to fit the missing puzzle piece, losing the essence of themselves.

Jihoon and his noona were only mere reflections of who they actually wanted, the illusion created because of how much time was spent together. And that image would’ve faded fast.

“No, I don’t think I would have.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Good luck with him.”

“Yeah… good luck with her. It’ll work out.”

──────────────────

Plenty of people could say that his noona was childish, that she should have picked another route to go down. That it all could’ve been left unsaid. But Jihoon was grateful for her choice to do what she did. Because you didn’t deserve that “what if?”. Neither did he. You both needed to be sure.

And he felt it, walking into the restaurant.

He immediately recognized you, even with your head down. He was so used to seeing you from afar that this was a sight that was unfortunately so familiar to him. He walked forward in hopes of closing the distance between the two of you.

“Jihoon! Hey!” Your cousin said, frantically.

Jihoon held back his laughter, the sight of his hyung flustered a rare occurrence. “Hey, hyung.”

“Oh my goodness, it’s our Jihoonie! Hi!”

He could see that her eyes were screaming: save us. Jihoon wondered if he’d be able to. “Hi, noona.”

Ah, there you went.

Your eyes finally met his.

God, so beautiful.

“Hey, firefly.”

“Holy fuck.”

Jihoon was startled. Since when did you curse? And the fuck word too? But it must be a new development considering the other two were making a huge commotion over it. But even in the midst of chastising, you didn’t break eye contact.

“It’s been a while.”

You blinked. “Um. Yes.”

He couldn’t help but smile. This was happening.

His brilliant and warm and fiery sun.

The reason behind why his own light exists.

His guide, his inspiration, his hope.

His firefly.

Close enough to reach out and catch.

But not quite yet.

“So, are you all done eating?”

“No, not even close! Only ordered one pajeon, but feel free to order anything that you want! Oppa will be covering,” his noona responded as she motioned for him to take the seat next to you. He did and immediately felt you tense up beside him. Jihoon mentally cursed at himself. He should’ve asked.

He decided to lean back in his chair to try to mimic the body language he hoped from you: relaxed. “Hyung’s the best.”

“One day, I’ll make you spend that idol money of yours.”

“Alright, it’s a deal.”

You must have recovered from your shock, since you piped up with a, “Wait. Shouldn’t you be careful about eating out? What if someone sees you here? Couldn’t something happen?”

Aw, you were worried for him. “This is a restaurant that’s frequented by SEVENTEEN. This specific table is so far removed in the corner that it’d be hard to get a good look at my face, especially since my back’s to them.”

You looked around and scanned the area, probably noticing the boisterous environment of hweshiks overpowering the casual dining you were partaking in. “Hm. Okay…”

“You worried about me?”

“No, I’m worried I’m going to end up in Dispatch with message requests from sasaeng fans.”

Jihoon felt the color drain from his face. “If you’re uncomfortable with me being here—”

You immediately shook your head. “That was a joke, I guess it was too serious of a reality for it to seem like one. Jihoon, thanks, really. But I’m scary good at ignoring people. Uh… I’m… I’m glad that you’re here. Seriously.” You paused for a moment, probably noticing the tension that he was too aware of. “Because we’re with two weakass eaters so it’s up to us to finish the job. Will you join me on our noble mission?”

He snorted out a ‘yes’ and the table laughed. Your cousin brought up a time where you were crying because you hated wasting food but the dish was too spicy but you were too stubborn to stop eating. You quickly reminded him that he was the one who tapped out first and left a 9-year-old to solve the issue (“Wouldn’t have been a problem for me if you didn’t create one, oppa!”). The four of you spent more time catching up than thinking about what to order until you were all brought back into the reality that you were at a restaurant and ordered nothing but a pajeon and drinks.

The older two let you and Jihoon decide, as you were both pickier eaters than they were. Once the food arrived, you fell into a rhythm of years’ practice. You pushed your portion of fish and beef onto his plate and he pushed his portion of bean sprouts and japchae onto yours. You both split the pork belly serving evenly between the two of you.

His arm would (accidentally) brush against yours but none of the tension remained from earlier. You didn’t retract, you didn’t run away. In fact, you poked his arm for his attention midway in the conversation and he never thought such a small thing could evoke such happiness.

──────────────────

Physical touch was never something that Jihoon craved. In fact, in most cases, he felt negatively towards it. So, the experience of being touch-starved was not something he knew anything about.

That is, until you were gone for two weeks at an academic competition.

Why the hell was an academic competition half a month? And during summer break? What did they expect middle schoolers to do? Solve world hunger with pi? (The number, not the food.)

You were spending your school vacation for the sake of more school.

What a stupid concept.

And you were on the same team as Baek Yunho, the star player of the baseball team and chemistry league. Jihoon saw the way that Yunho would try to come up to you after a game, but you only ever made a beeline towards Jihoon.

He didn’t realize just how much the two of you gravitated towards each other. Between class periods, he’d pinch your nose or flick your forehead or you would attempt to bring him to his knees by pushing your own into the back of his and fail miserably and he would roundhouse kick you in response. If the two of you had the time, you would go over to his house and dig your toes into his ribcage when he totally owned you during a game of Super Smash Bros. And during the summer, usually, you would be sprawled over him, back to back, as he would watch anime or play games on his phone and you would read your summer reading list.

But normal people wouldn’t consider that physical touch.

And yet here he was, genuinely touch-starved, because you were in Daegu with a whole seven days left.

He grumbled under his breath. Another day has gone by without seeing Baek Yunho during practice which meant another day that you were gone. Something that occupied his mind, as he opened the door to his bedroom, swinging his baseball bag onto his bed.

And he heard a loud, “ow!”

He saw you rubbing your knee on his bed, with a pout on your face. “What the hell are you doing here?”

That’s one way to say he missed you.

“I came back from my competition today to apparently get assaulted by my best friend.”

“I thought it was two weeks long.”

“The whole thing is, but I opted out of the award ceremony. Plus, I only competed in the writing and foreign language portion because that’s all they needed me for, which all happened in the first week.”

Jihoon’s mind didn’t catch up with his body as he reached for you. You yelped and threw a pillow at him, “Ew. No, you just got back from practice and you’re sweaty!”

“Firefly, you’re missing out on a rare opportunity.”

You paused for a moment, possibly recalling all the times he’s rejected a hug from you and realizing this indeed was very rare. “Can you at least wipe off your sweat?”

“Nope, not at all,” Jihoon snickered.

It was now a competition to see who would be the faster one, you rushing for the door or his arms. And of course, the athlete that he is, Jihoon won.

“You smell like the sun! Stop!”

He decidedly rubbed his neck into the shoulder of your shirt and you did your best to wiggle away, but failed. Your look of disdain was met with Jihoon’s satisfied one. “Lee Jihoon, you’re the worst.”

“I’m glad my punching bag is back.”

You pushed his hair back only to immediately retract. “Ugh! How does so much sweat just come out of you?”

“Does it matter when I have a towel right here?”

You pinched his ear as he pushed his sweaty forehead against the other shoulder of your shirt. You burst into a fit of giggles when he found your ticklish spot in the middle of your thigh, but soon enough, your ankle found purchase around his and pushed him onto the ground as you clambered away and into his closet, probably to find a shirt to change into.

He was left there on his bedroom floor, listening to your ramblings about his sweat, almost deliriously happy.

He was satisfied, no longer a starving man.

──────────────────

After the food was finished (thanks to the two of you), the four of you walked out of the restaurant, the couple saying they were so full they wanted to walk it off on the way to their hotel. They offered for the two of you to join them but you declined, saying the hotel was in the opposite direction of your home.

Your cousin felt uneasy leaving you to walk home on your own. But you pointed at Jihoon with your thumb and said, “Jihoonie can walk me home, if you’re so worried. But even if he can’t, I’ve lived here long enough. This isn’t anything new.”

As if your cousin completely ignored the latter half of what you said, he glanced at Jihoon who gave a quick nod. “I’ll walk her home. Don’t worry. Then I’ll take a taxi back myself.”

After much long-winded convincing, the two headed off to the hotel while you and him were left walking down the street, his own face masked up and covered with a baseball hat in case of anything.

“You know, you don’t have to walk me home.”

“I’d like to, if that’s alright with you.”

He noticed you adjusting the hem of your shirt. “Okay. It’s a little bit of a walk from here. Maybe 30 to 40 minutes or so.”

“That’s 30 to 40 minutes I’d like to spend with you.”

“…yeah. I’d like that too.”

This felt almost surreal. You by his side.

But also so natural, almost inevitable.

As if this was all just waiting to happen.

After a moment’s pause, you asked him what he was doing for the coming months, if there were any plans.

“There’s a concert that Bumzu’s holding in Busan, and he’s asking some SEVENTEEN members to perform, so I’ll be doing a solo piece for that one.”

“Oh, SIMPLE?”

You immediately made a face as if you got caught admitting something embarrassing and Jihoon grinned. “Ah, you know my solo song?”

“Hm. Maybe…” You trailed off, looking everywhere but at him.

Cute.

“It might’ve possibly made it as my top song of the year in 2016.”

Agh, even cuter. “I’ll tell Yoon Jeonghan that he’s not actually your bias and you’re actually a Woozidan.”

“You can call me a Woozidan, you’d just be exceedingly and astronomically incorrect, like always. Unlike me, who is right, quite literally 100% of the time.”

Jihoon laughed. “Hey, I’ll have you know I’m one of the brains in SEVENTEEN, alright?”

“That’s because you were forged in the fire that was your friendship with me. Of having to deal with my illogical thinking.”

“Ain’t that the damn truth.”

The mood between the two of you was solid and Jihoon felt his resolve flare up within him, gathering the courage to ask, “If I invited you to Bumzu’s concert, would you go?”

“Oh. The one in Busan?”

“Yes.”

“Uh. When is it? I’m supposed to start work in three weeks.”

He wondered how big of a Carat you were because he knew that most would jump at the opportunity, but he felt oddly reassured that you weren’t a fan who would shirk on your responsibilities. “It’s in two weeks. You can… uh, bring Hyejin?”

You blinked up at him. “You know her?”

“She, uh, is always on your Instagram.”

“That’s very sweet of you and she’s gonna freak out that you know her, but she’s actually going to be in Jeonju that entire week with Wheein-unnie because they’re visiting their family. And then none of my other friends know about me knowing you. But. You know what? What kind of Carat would I be if I turned down this offer?”

Great minds think alike. “So… I’ll see you there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you will. I’ll sing the chorus of SIMPLE so loud I’ll overpower even your vocals.”

“You know, I never said I was singing SIMPLE.”

“Oh, what? What are you singing then?”

Jihoon grinned. “Guess you’ll have to come and find out.”

You let out a low whistle. “Wow, what an idol. Using your charm to convince me to use up my time and money.”

“You think I’m charming?”

“Enough that my wallet is in constant danger.”

“You know, I can always give you free things.”

“It’s okay. Buying your albums and merchandise and concert tickets have been the only way I can support you. And, well, I did promise I would be your number one fan.”

“‘S alright. That’s all in the past.”

Jihoon noticed you flinching at those words. Your voice was barely above a whisper, “…Is it really all in the past? It’s not that simple, is it, Jihoonie?”

He remained silent.

So did you.

You both walked, the evening stroll accompanied only by the artificial lights of the city, the sun having long since gone to rest and the light of the moon nowhere to be found.

You reached the doorstep of your apartment and you turned back to face him. “I think… We probably have a lot to talk about. But maybe the timing is off right now. I know I need to sort myself out, if that’s okay? I’m trying to do this thing where I think before I talk instead of just diving in and regretting something, you know?”

Jihoon nodded. He was all too familiar with that.

“But I just want to let you know that I still want to be a part of your life. And we can navigate how that will look like when we’re both not caught up in living our lives. Is… is that okay?”

He wanted to cry. “More than that.”

You smiled. “I’ll see you at the concert, Jihoonie.”

“I’ll see you, firefly.”

──────────────────

After that night, he was thrown back into his and SEVENTEEN’s work. Outside of Bumzu’s concert, they were working on their next album, aiming to release it in just two months, the theme centered around a youthful infatuation blossoming into a mature love.

He wondered what you would think of it.

One night, he was in his studio with Soonyoung again who looked over Jihoon’s latest solo for Bumzu’s concert.

“Jihoon, this is the saddest shit I’ve ever read.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Are you sure that this is what you’re wanting to perform? That this is what you want her to hear? In front of hundreds of people?”

“It’s… the most honest I can be. Yeah, it could scare her off. But I don’t think we can keep moving forward without addressing what happened between us. But I didn’t make this song to make her feel bad. I made it so I could let go of the pain I associate with the old her to be able to make space for the new her, you know what I mean?”

Soonyoung spared no expression. “Whatever you think is best, Hoon.”

“I’m just going to take a leap of faith,” Jihoon sighed. There really was no predicting exactly how things would turn out. You were different, he was different. There were too many unknown variables with the situation. “Hopefully she’ll be there to catch me.”

“Mm.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m thinking about how you’re going to be singing a ballad, pouring your true and genuine feelings, and I’ll be performing Hurricane in a tiger print shirt.”

Jihoon paused for a moment. “Duality of SEVENTEEN.”

──────────────────

You must have also been busy, as the only notification he got from you was on the day of the concert. It was a selfie of you at a gas station in the wee hours of the morning, no doubt filling your tank before your 4 and a half hour car ride, with a message saying, “i’m on my way to you! fueled by overpriced gas and cheap snacks!”

You were on your way. To him.

There was an electricity that was coursing through him that went beyond just nerves before a show. No, there was so much more riding on this, and as much as he wants to believe and trust that everything would work out in some way or another, there is the deep part of him that yearns for it to work out for the best. The most ideal cut.

He pressed his hands against his chest, as he tried to mimic compression.

But there was just too much bursting out of him to truly contain.

“Jihoon-ah, you alright?”

He must have looked like a crazed man to Jeonghan because the latter had an incredulous look on his face as soon as they made eye contact. “Do I not seem alright?”

“No.”

“Hyung.”

Jeonghan let out a low chuckle and moved behind him to squeeze the shoulders of the stressed man. “It’s okay to hope, you know.”

“It feels like hope is the reason I can’t breathe right now. If it weren’t for hope, I wouldn’t care this much. If it weren’t for hope, I wouldn’t be in this position.”

“You’re right. You wouldn’t be. Without hope, you wouldn’t be in SEVENTEEN. You wouldn't have become an idol, be our unit’s leader, become a producer, written songs, or even had the chance to reconcile with her. All of what you are would’ve been impossible without hope”

Jihoon bit his lip. “I feel like I’m going crazy, hyung. I keep going back and forth between whether it’s worth it. I haven’t felt anxiety like this in years. I know that lo–love–” Jihoon realized he never said that word so directly about her. He always found more poetic ways to dance around the word. “–can be a lot of work. But this? It makes me think that it’s not meant to be. When I see her and when I’m with her, it feels so right. But when she’s not in front of me, I feel like the best thing to do is to just run away.”

“Yeah, but you ran away last time, right?”

“And I wouldn’t be in SEVENTEEN if I hadn’t.”

“But you’ve still pined after her for all these years.”

“Maybe that’s just me being stubborn.”

“Yeah, and? What about it?”

“What happens if I’m pining after her because I regret hurting someone I cared about, my best friend. What if I don’t actually love her–”

Jihoon’s voice caught in his throat.

Jeonghan answered in a low whisper, and Jihoon is sure that if he turned around, he would see pity in his older member’s eyes. “Jihoon–”

“No, I know,” he quickly cut him off, sighing. “Ridiculous notion. Hyung, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t understand myself at all. Just yesterday, I was talking a big game about how I needed to trust her and take a leap of faith and now it feels like I’m going back on it.”

“So, you don’t trust her?”

“That’s… not it.”

“Then what is it, Jihoon?”

“I… I can’t…”

“It’s just you and me here.”

Lee Jihoon and Yoon Jeonghan.

The very two people who were in that room together when that fateful encounter on social media occurred.

Yoon Jeonghan, the island of SEVENTEEN.

“What if she doesn’t love me back?”

Jeonghan felt Jihoon’s shoulders tremble underneath his grip. The older began to rub gentle circles and stood there in silence as the younger buried his face in his hands. “...She could.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

“What if she does?”

“That’s not–”

“–How it works? Why are your worries more likely than your hope? Are they more logical? More based in reality? Listen, they’re all just thoughts driven by feelings. They both have an equal chance of happening, and yet you are convinced your worries are true. And maybe that’s your fault. Your fault because you keep suppressing your hope in fear of pain and rejection. So that later down the line, you can tell yourself that you knew it anyway. But guess what? This isn’t a game where you’re trying to come out of this as the least hurt.”

Jihoon felt lucky that Jeonghan couldn’t see his face.

“Just think of it as finally being able to let out the entire truth that you’ve been hiding for years, the truth that has been found in your lyrics, but is now finally going to reach the person you’ve hoped for so long that it would. She’ll be right there, listening to you. You’ve wanted it for so long. Don’t try to convince yourself all of a sudden that it’s not.”

“...Yeah.”

“Plus, they already have the line-up and backing vocals set up, so. It’s not like you can change it now. Go put your in-ear in. We’ll be in the audience. All of us.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“...I’m not sure if it means anything, but you’re a good man, Lee Jihoon. I’m proud of you.”

Jeonghan patted the younger’s shoulder before exiting the small space, leaving Jihoon to his own thoughts. Ones that no longer swirled over the possibility of pain or even the potential of reciprocation. Instead, he thought about his members. The ones he’s told he’s loved, both in teasing ways and genuine utterances.

And then he thought of you.

He’d like you to hear the same from him.

At least once.

(And hopefully more.)

──────────────────

Busan’s driving laws were nothing like the rest of Korea. 

Luckily growing up in Busan, you were aware of the way that the drivers swerved in and out of lanes, making illegal (?) turns any chance they got. The flow of traffic in Busan is so aggressively different from Seoul, that it felt as though you had to flip a switch to reorient yourself into the version of you that learned how to first drive in Busan.

Not long after the person you were driving to see had stormed out of your home.

You sighed.

You weren’t sure what to expect at the concert.

It felt almost embarrassing how much you daydreamed over him potentially singing a song to you. The reality is dangerously close to overlapping with the delusion that you found yourself trying to literally shake away the thoughts.

But how could you not be a little hopeful?

The love of your life invited you to a concert, with him singing a solo song.

Maybe he’d confess–

The honk of the car behind you pulled you out of your thoughts. You groaned loudly, slapping your forehead. “Get it together, Y/N!”

Jihoon had told you to enter the concert hall through a certain entrance, and that you wouldn’t need to wait amongst the lines. He recommended waiting until everyone else was seated, so you would still have 20 minutes to kill before entering the venue.

You drove, mentally fighting yourself every kilometer of the way, until you finally reached the venue. You showed the badge that Jihoon had given you and was directed towards the back lot where staff parked. You cut the engine and sat there, attempting to calm yourself down.

You immediately get a request for FaceTime on your phone.

You answer it.

“Bumblebee!”

“Unnie, I can feel myself eroding away.”

Hyejin rolled her eyes. “You’ll be fine.”

You heard Wheein’s voice in the background. “Is that Y/N?”

Hyejin answered, “Yeah. Wanna say something?”

Wheein popped into frame. You gave a weak wave. “Are you gonna confess today?”

“What? No. That wasn’t in the plan.”

“Okay? Then change the plan,” Wheein said, as though it was the most obvious thing.

“I just want to be friends.”

“Forever?” Wheein asked.

“For now,” Hyejin supplied.

You rolled your eyes. “Listen. All I know is that I want to be in his life, and whatever that looks like is still to be determined, alright?”

“But what do you want in the long run?”

“You know I can’t plan for the long-term. Let’s just take things day by day, alright?”

“Okay, but what if he confesses today?” Wheein asked.

“He won’t.”

“What if he does?”

“I–”

Hyejin tapped Wheein’s thigh off-camera. “She’ll handle it if it comes up. No matter what happens, we’ll be here to pick up your call, okay? Whether it be to sort out your feelings or to just fangirl about the concert. We’ll be here to listen to whatever you’re willing to share. There’s not much to do here in Jeonju anyway, so. Just hit us up.”

“Go eat Jeonju bibimbap.”

“We did,” they answered in unison.

You let out a short laugh. “Alright. Well. Regardless of everything, time will continue to pass. I’m going to just bask in the fact that I was invited by a member of my favorite idol group to watch his performance.”

“And that’s already cool as hell,” Wheein nodded.

The three of you chatted about their plans for the week while you did your best to focus on the conversation while still paying attention to the time left until the concert. Not long after, you bid them farewell to once again sit in silence in your car, pressing your hands against your chest.

It was time.

──────────────────

Bumzu’s concert started off as nothing less than spectacular.

You always admired his musical prowess, knowing that he was the one who helped Jihoon form his own identity as a producer and songwriter. Bumzu was a titan in his own right, his lyricism and musicality rivaling plenty of others in the field.

Although his talent is impeccable, the venue itself was small. His transition from performing towards writing and producing had a hand in influencing the number of tickets sold. You also realized belatedly that the concert wasn’t advertised to include the SEVENTEEN members that you were promised.

Regardless, it felt like such an intimate space, you were thankful for it.

You were in the upper gallery, away from the rest of the concert attendees. There wasn’t anyone else nearby you, and you assumed that would stay the case.

That is, until you heard someone sit right next to you.

You glanced over, not wanting to be overt in noticing them (although, Korean culture lends itself to staring at others outside of Seoul and Busan), and you felt your breath hitch.

“Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I–yeah.”

“I recorded a video for you for your graduation,” the most beautifully ethereal man on this side of existence said. “Do you remember?”

“I–yeah.”

He flashed a brilliant grin. “Yoon Jeonghan.”

“I–yeah.”

“Congratulations on graduating.”

“I–” This time, his voice overlapped yours. “Yeah.”

You flushed. “Sorry. I’m just– I’m kind of taken aback.”

“I heard I was your favorite member, your bias.”

“Mm. That’s true.”

“Why is that the case?”

You paused for a moment, the vocals of Bumzu drowning out the sounds of your conversation. “They say that your bias is the one who’s most similar to you. And your bias wrecker is the one that you’d most likely want to date or be romantically involved with.”

“Oh, so, we’re similar?”

“In the way that we love others, I think? From what other members have said about you, the way that you love is both wide and deep. You love others in a way where you can be a home for them during times of hardship,” you said, sheepishly. It felt almost strange to claim you were as loving as you were, but. You knew yourself. You knew your heart. Even the bad parts. “Also, we both would cheat at games.”

“It’s the only way to play.”

“Winning is too easy otherwise,” you added.

“Exactly,” he chuckled. “Well. That makes me feel better.”

“That I cheat at games?”

“No. That you love in the same way that I do. Because if you love Jihoonie as much as I love him, I think I have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“I do.”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow at you. “I’m sorry?”

“I do love him,” you said, unhesitantly. Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest decision to tell one of Jihoon’s closest confidants this information. But, it wasn’t a secret. It wasn’t ever meant to be a secret. It was simply a fact. “There’s no way that I wouldn’t.”

“You… You haven’t doubted your feelings?”

This time you raised an eyebrow at him. “Why would I? He’s easy to love.”

Jeonghan laughed. “You’re so right, Y/N. So. Is he your bias wrecker?”

“You mean the one that I want to date?”

“The very same.”

You saw the mischief in his eyes, and you felt yours bubble up inside. “I wonder.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m surprised you cheat at games, you don’t seem like a great liar.”

“Who said I was trying to?” You flashed him a toothy grin.

“It’s rather strange to see just how different the two of you are. And also, how human you seem. The way that he talks about you, you’d think otherwise.”

“Unfortunately, being human is all I know,” you said, trying to shove down the feeling of butterflies in your stomach at the mention of Jihoon speaking of you to his precious brothers.

Bumzu was now giving a ment, but you were still so focused on the man next to you.

He crossed his legs and looked out at the stage. He pursed his lips. “Y/N. He’s a bit of a handful sometimes, you know.”

“I’ve got two hands.”

He smirked at that. “Right. That you do. And if you and I really are similar, then. Well. I hope you really listen to what he has to say to you, even if it can be hard to hear. I hope you try to understand him even when he doesn’t make sense. And, of course, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life loving him.”

You felt some tears well up in your eyes. “I’ll try my best.”

Jeonghan looked at you softly and patted your knee. “That’s all I ask.”

He stood up and you gave a slight bow. He smiled and said, “Enjoy the show.”

Bumzu’s voice rang out: “And now, a special guest: WOOZI from SEVENTEEN.”

Your eyes snapped back towards the stage, barely noticing the figure of your bias move back out into the shadows of the concert hall. You were transfixed by the man walking out on stage, his pale skin glowing underneath the stage lights, his black collared shirt hanging loosely on his frame. The cheers could not distract you from the way he gripped and ungripped the microphone in his hand as he sat down on the stool.

He lifted the microphone to his lips and began speaking.

“Hello, everyone. I am SEVENTEEN’s WOOZI.”

His eyes were darting around, but only looking downwards, barely looking at the crowd. “Today, I’m going to sing a song that I’ve only ever sang once. Um. And that was by myself, in my studio. Not even the other members have heard it.”

The crowd were wowed at the prospect of hearing an entirely new song from a genius producer. Seeing the spotlight shine on him, you realize how bare he looked without his other members surrounding him. His vulnerability was amplified by the closer proximity of the space.

You knew he was the kind of person that would lessen the amount of lines he had solely to allow others to shine more. He wasn’t like the sun, the blazing fire that consumed the day. No, he was so much more like the moon, the one that would reflect others’ light, but in such a way that was never accosting.

Even on the stage in front of you, he glowed so ethereally, you wondered if he was always the fae that you believed lived near the winding tree at Old Man Park’s home. He was the guiding light in the midst of night, always present, but in a less overt way than its celestial partner.

The sun was stunning in its own right, life-giving, even, but the moon provided comfort to those who tread in the darkness.

And you’ve seen the way he has done just that.

Not just for you, but for millions around the world.

“This is, uh. A very personal song,” you couldn’t help but notice the way that his grip around his microphone tightened. “I’m not sure if many of you out there have been unsure about what the future holds. But, this song… captures that, I think. This is ‘What Kind of Future’.”

Your reaction to grab your phone to record was immediately cut off by the piano playing.

This… melody?

Your throat tightened. It sounded so similar to the lullaby he would sing–

As if nothing happened I told myself that it was all a dream. When I closed my eyes and opened them again, I wanted to wake up with a relief.

The melody was so familiar, but because of that, you could focus solely on the lyrics he sang. 

Was this song… about you?

No, your mind supplied. Don’t be delusional.

But what if it was?

Your heart began to pound loudly in your ears, and you had to take deep breaths so as to not miss anything that he had to say.

Our past that didn't line up If I could go back in time Rather than roughly, but warmly Would I be able to let you go?

Your eyes widened.

You thought back to that moment in your house.

Could it be–?

When we weren't over As I held onto whatever was left You let go of me as I refused Although I don't wanna see you, I miss you Although I hate you, I miss you I don't understand myself so well

You immediately recall the desperation on his face and the hurt in his voice that you couldn’t see until it was too late. It was shrouded by his anger and your desire to look away. To run away. Because, to a teen on the cusp of adulthood, that was easier than being honest.

This waiting It's not easy to endure If I forget that someday As if nothing is wrong Our future will be empty and It's not that I want to forget you

You never wanted to forget him. 

You couldn’t.

He surrounded you at every turn.

The best parts of you were things that you learned from him.

He softened your rough edges, quieted the inner criticisms, pacified the burning flames.

The idea of him never being a part of your life again was one that you could not fathom, even with all of your imagination. Because there was no way for the current you to exist without him. Not in a way that deemed him necessary, but in a way that his friendship, his love, for you shaped you into becoming someone you, yourself, learned to love as well.

Your future might have been filled with joy and happiness.

His, just as likely to.

But yours and his, as he said, our future, would be empty.

We were happy about us You, who isn't me anymore Although I don't wanna see you, I miss you Although I hate you, I miss you I don't understand myself so well

You tried to quell your tears as much as you could, in fear of missing even another moment with him. Because you realize now that the feelings you had were not one-sided. Of course, they couldn’t have been. The way that the two of you stuck by each other through thick and thin.

Why were you so adamant that it couldn’t be true?

What kind of future is coming before us? Even if the Heavens don't give us an answer I'm too stupid until the end So I don't know the answer

The love you had for each other was so simple.

It was so direct, so straight-forward.

But the two of you made it complicated.

Why?

You also didn’t have an answer.

The both of you, burdened by the decisions of the past, anxious about the potential of the future.

As his vocals rang out, as he cried out, the tears finally streamed down your warm cheeks. You buried your face into your hands, listening to his voice, but unable to withstand the sight of him holding his microphone with such gentle, yet firm, hands. The same ones that trembled at his side that fateful day. Your breath staggered as you wept for the past versions of you.

The ones who struggled and constantly questioned whether you were loved by the person you longed for. The ones who somehow convinced themselves that you weren’t, rather than trusting in the obvious truth that you always had been.

And still are.

As the song concluded with his smooth vocals, the crowd erupted into cheers. You raised your head and found him looking longingly up in your direction, and if you weren’t mistaken, at you. 

But how could he? 

The stage lights were so bright, you were sure it was impossible to see beyond the stage.

But with the way his gaze softened as your bottom lip trembled.

Maybe, just maybe.

As soon as the crowd settled down to a reasonable level, he began speaking again. “Thank you all for attending tonight. Bumzu-hyung is an artist that I admire a lot, so I feel really honored that I was able to share my music here. This song is… both personal and special. And I hope that, maybe, someone out there can understand what I was trying to convey.

“Carats, thank you always for your support. Remember to stay healthy; I’m always wishing for your happiness. We hope that you continue to love and support SEVENTEEN. I’m always humbled by Carat’s love for us, and I really wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

He began to fiddle with the microphone in his hands. 

“Did you know that…” He trailed off for a moment before he glanced up in your direction. Your breath hitched. “...If you dream of fireflies, they’re supposed to represent guidance and inspiration? Because they’re kind of like a beacon of light in the dark. And according to some, they’re also meant to represent taking a chance at an opportunity that’s right in front of you. And I, uh. I’ve been dreaming of fireflies for a long time. So, I think… that means that it’s time to try and take that chance. I’m not sure what it’ll look like, but…”

He shut his eyes for a moment, tilting his head backwards, looking as though he was allowing the weight of his words to really sink into him. He brought the microphone back up to his lips.

“Thank you again. I hope our future together is one of happiness.”

He gave a slight bow to the audience who cheered loudly for him. He, once again, looked up in your direction. You weren’t sure whether he could see your expression, so instead you lifted your phone screen at its highest brightness, open to the phone dial screen.

If he gave any semblance of acknowledgement, it was imperceptible.

Bumzu was welcomed back to the stage and squeezed Jihoon’s shoulder before the latter excused himself off of the stage.

Almost possessed, you followed suit, leaving the upper gallery to rush towards the restroom, out of earshot and view of anyone else.

Not even a minute later, your phone starts vibrating.

You answer immediately. “That was fast.”

“We’ve wasted enough time, don’t you think?”

“Are you… running? You sound like you’re out of breath.”

“Meet me outside. Staff parking lot.”

“I–”

“Security cleared it out.”

“Jihoon, I’m not fit like you! I’m not a runner.”

“I’m not asking you to be. I’ll wait for you as long as you need.”

Your heart swelled. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“I’ll see you soon, firefly.”

The sound of his smile filled your senses as the call ended.

Despite your complaints earlier, your feet were carrying you at a pace you haven’t attempted since your required physical education class. Your eyes were darting around, searching, searching, searching. The adrenaline rushing through your body was enough to keep up your strides. You were rushing forward, and then–

You saw him.

He pushed his hair back, his chest rising up and down, attempting to catch his breath. He was definitely winded from the running. But there was no rest for the weary as your eyes locked. You found yourself barreling forward, not even really thinking of anything other than: him.

And his arms caught you with ease as you slammed yourself into his chest. He spun you around to lessen the impact, but tightened his grip on you. “Firefly–”

“Jihoonie.”

You held each other for a while.

Long enough for both of your breathing to even, for your heart rates to synchronize.

As though making up for lost time.

He adjusted his face just slightly away from the crook of your neck to speak. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“Yeah, well. I’m the driver, so no shit.”

Jihoon laughed and squeezed you closer to him. You let out a grunt. “You call the shots, firefly.”

You disentangled yourself from him and pulled out your car keys from your person. “Alright, get in, my passenger prince. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, hm?”

──────────────────

“Hi! My name is Y/N. Here’s a seashell!”

The young boy’s expression contorted into one of confusion. You were completely unaffected. He looked around at the empty playground, save for a few pigeons here and there, before pointing to himself. “Are you talking to me?”

You knew for a fact that he was someone that the CU convenience store auntie would call a ‘cutie’. You’d agree! “I’d like to!”

“I’m… I’m Lee Jihoon.”

“Okay, Jihoon! Can we be friends?”

“S-Sure.”

“Awesome!” You clapped your hands together. “I don’t really know what friends do together, but let’s go on the swings! You can sit first and I’ll push you. I’m very strong.”

“No, it’s okay! I can push you—”

“You don’t think I’m strong enough?”

“No, no. That’s not what I said—”

“Get on the swing, Lee Jihoon!”

“O-Okay.”

──────────────────

“Do you remember when I pushed you on the swing so hard that you lurched forward and got a nosebleed from falling onto your face?”

“That was the first day we met, firefly.”

“Well, I wanted to know if you remembered.”

“To the point that it haunts me.”

“You were so small and cute back then. So shy.”

You half expected that the two of you were going to drive in silence, just basking in each other’s presence. But, remaining true to the dynamic you two always had, there was still so much to talk about. You told him about the drive down from Seoul and how Busan really needed to up its driving laws to match the rest of the country. He told you about how Soonyoung just finished performing “Hurricane” on stage and Jeonghan sent him the video.

You told him about how Jeonghan actually approached you.

“Aha.”

You couldn’t turn to see his expression, so you asked, “Why? Is that a bad thing?”

“He, uh. Might’ve witnessed me have a bit of a mental breakdown backstage, so.”

You took his nervous laughter as a sign to not push further. “Honestly, me on any given Tuesday.”

“What, your grad program?”

“Oh, man, I gotta tell you.”

And so the two of you exchanged both stories and banter until you finally saw the shoreline coming into view. Just a couple of moments later, you parked your car along the sidewalk at the edge of the beach. This was a more local area, far away from tourist spots.

“Ah, this place.”

“Lotta memories here,” you said. You shot him a big smile as you turned off the engine. “Let’s go make a new one.”

The two of you exited your car and threw your socks and shoes into the trunk of your car, just like you did with his parents’ car, when you were children.

As you both walked towards the edge of the water, you were very aware of the silence that had fallen onto the two of you.

There was an instinct in you that told you to remain quiet.

“You know,” Jihoon broke the silence. You smiled to yourself. “I’ve always admired how you were able to be so honest about your feelings, without worrying about what other people think.”

“That’s the nice way of saying that I don’t think before I speak.”

He laughed and you relished in it. “Maybe.”

You skipped forward a bit more, letting your toes dig into the now cooled sand, the sun long set. You had your back turned to him as you waited for him to continue speaking.

“I was always someone who kept to himself. Who never really shared my heart with anyone.”

You hummed as you turned to face him directly. “You did in your own way, I think. You just needed people who knew how to read between the lines.”

“I was never honest about the hard stuff though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I constantly asked myself if I was worthy enough to love you.”

You opened your mouth to retort, but he continued.

“You loved me in such loud ways. You honestly left no room for doubt, and yet my brain managed to squeeze in some anyway. But… you know what I eventually realized?”

“What?”

“I realized that if I were to give myself to anyone, to be safe with anyone in the world, it would be okay if it was you. You’ve always been honest. Your sadness. Your joy. I know I can trust it. Maybe that’s naive considering how long we’ve spent apart. But you’ve never been anything but honest. So this is me trying to do the same. Y/N, my light, my firefly, I love you.”

In his eyes you saw him searching for something, anything. He might’ve not been able to interpret the expression on your face, but there was no need to. You pulled the collar of your shirt down to reveal the ink forever etched into your skin, placed over your heart.

Art that was drawn on a paper towel a decade ago.

You knew even in the dim light of the street lamps high above you, he could see it.

His jaw dropped. “Wait. That’s—”

“I broke one promise in my life. Just one. And I told myself I would never do it again. No matter how stupid the promises were, no matter how mundane, no matter how old they were. I would never break another promise. Because breaking that one promise ended up breaking me. The promise that I’d always be by your side.”

“What are you—?”

“Because it’s you, it’s always been you. Ever since I gave you that stupid seashell from this very beach,” you gestured at your surroundings. “And it was stupid because you could easily get your own, but you kept it. Like it was a precious treasure.”

The rampant beating in your chest matched the rhythm of your words.

“I don’t know what the future holds, Jihoon. I have no idea and I’m terrified. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know anything. Years at Yale, years at Seoul National, years spent in higher academia only taught me that I know so little. But you, oh, you were the worst reminder. I don’t get how you can make me feel so empty and filled at the same time. I don’t understand how you can make me feel at home with just a smile. I don’t know how you have such a hold on me. You’re just this strange enigma that I can’t seem to place, a riddle with no way to solve. But God, I so badly want to try. You’re a question I want to spend the rest of my life trying to answer. Because it’s you.”

He bit his lip and you wondered if you overwhelmed him.

“I’ve spent years, you know,” his voice barely above a whisper.

“Doing what?”

“Hoping that you would hear me. That my words would reach you,” he breathed out. His eyes softened as he recalled, “‘If a second life that’s different from now is to come to me, will I be by your side? Will you be by my side? I imagine things like this. Even if they’re words I mentioned as a joke. Will you believe me? Even if it’s a funny imagination. On a sudden day when I’m left alone, I’ll take my steps towards you again.’”

He stepped forward, hands reaching for yours, and you immediately took them, as soon as he was an arm’s length away. Physically, this wasn’t the closest he’s ever been, but it was the closest you’ve ever felt.

“‘You did this once before. Only by looking in your eyes I can tell. Whatever may happen, I want to know this emotion. When walking by my side, I don’t even want to let go of your hands. That flattering feeling is because of you, everything is so good.’”

He took another step forward, his voice dropped to barely above a whisper, hoping you could hear his words above his heart hammering in his chest.

“‘What can I do? Without you, my heart stops and it’s always cold. What can we do? Without me, you’ll struggle just as much, so what can we do?’” He paused, before recalling later lyrics. “‘I don’t wanna let you go like this. I don’t want to be scared with a broken heart. I’m the place you can come to. You’re the place I can go to.”

Tears formed in your eyes, but he brushed them away easily, now cupping your face within his hands, the tips of your noses brushing against each other, and you could have sworn he felt the fluttering of your eyelashes against him, dampened slightly by your watery eyes.

“‘I couldn’t express my feelings because I was too young. I wanted to be your tomorrow, so I lived today. Ever since the first day I saw you. In my heart, it’s always been you. These typical words, I’m only saying them now, but I hope these typical words will reach you.’”

You looked at him, your entire being filled and your senses flooded.

With him.

It was only him, him, him.

How could you not have realized?

His words, his feelings were so clear.

He had the kind of love for you that brings forth a melody.

His gentle voice drew you away from your own thoughts, “Thank you, firefly. For choosing me.”

“Always, Jihoonie. Always.”

He leaned in to close the distance.

You met him halfway.

──────────────────

Your hands were intertwined with his as you swung them lightly, back and forth, ebbing and flowing, like the waves almost reaching your feet on the coastline of the local beach where you would laze away during your adolescence and find adventure during your childhood.

The two of you fell into a comfortable rhythm, the sounds of the ocean and lull of the town around you, just basking in what felt like the stars finally aligning.

Jihoon squeezed your hand for a moment. “You know, I thought you left because you realized that I had feelings for you and didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I’m sorry, what?” You stopped in your tracks and turned to face him, still not letting go of his hand, the sea breeze weaving itself between his and your hair.

He raised an eyebrow. “I thought I was pretty obvious. Hyung and noona thought the same. They figured it out pretty early on.”

“Um.”

He blinked. “You had no idea?”

“I—I thought you were in love with noona—”

“Hey, I might’ve thought she was pretty, but you were the one that turned that into something it wasn’t.”

“What! What about the times we went to try and find out whether the mini golf place was fun enough for a date idea? Or whether the food stand near the beach was romantic enough?”

“Please tell me you’re hearing yourself.”

“I’m—”

“Jesus, firefly. Are you serious? Did I end up ever taking her there? Did I even try? All of those places, all of those times, those were meant for you. You were the one who kept bringing up noona and what she would like while I was trying to figure out whether it would’ve been weird to reach out and hold your hand.” His grip tightened on yours.

You flushed at that. “Okay, but like—you spent so much time with noona before I left.”

“Because she was trying to help me plan something to get it through your thick skull just how in love I was because obviously none of the other things I did was enough.”

“I—you—she’s better than me.”

“I just confessed that I was in love with you, and you’re focusing on her right now?”

You blabbered out incoherent sounds and he merely laughed in your face at your reaction.

(Or maybe at himself.)

“Dozens of songs of writing my feelings for you into the lyrics, and you still didn’t get it. So. I’ll try and say it as clearly as possible. I love you, Y/N. What can I do to get you to notice me? Because I’ll do it, firefly. I swear I will.”

You bit your lip.

“I got my driver’s license.”

He wasn’t expecting that. “Uh… recently?”

“No. A month after you left, a month before I did. I got my driver’s license and I so badly wanted to call you to tell you. Because we talked about late night diner specials and how uncrowded the park was at six in the morning and you said I’d be your chauffeur forever.”

“Yeah, why should I have to learn?”

“Jihoon.”

“I’m doing alright without one, thanks.”

You rolled your eyes, but continued, “I drove around the neighborhood several times, passing by the mailboxes we used to Sharpie, the stop signs we tried to run up and slap, the sidewalks we crossed after hagwon, the sewer where we were convinced a clown lived.”

“That was a you thing, don’t drag me into it.”

“And I realized that none of it mattered if you weren’t in the passenger seat.”

“So, what are you saying? That I’m just good company?”

You eyed him and knew he was teasing, but there was a hint of insecurity underneath it. Because he said those words you had yet to acknowledge, let alone, respond to. The corner of your lips upturned. “Yeah, that’s it. And if it’s alright with you, I’d like to be in said company for at least one lifetime. I love you, Lee Jihoon.”

“You’re missing the ‘too,’ since I said it first.”

“You’re annoying.”

“It’s been one of the only ways to get you to look at me, firefly.”

“Mm. I’m always looking.”

“Respectfully?”

“Most times. Have you seen the ‘Good to Me’ choreo?”

He bumped your shoulder as you burst into a fit of giggles, choosing to let go of his hand to wrap your arms around his waist as he pretended to stomp off. He stuck his tongue out at you, calling you a pervert, and you said, “Hey, you’re the one that’s in love with me, alright?”

He swept you up into his arms and rather than carrying you princess-style or even in a piggy-back ride, he threw you over his shoulder and you yelped loudly. 

“Jihoon!”

“Y/N!”

“Let me go!”

“Nope. Never again.”

You made a gagging noise. Who is this shameless kid?

“I’ll put you down though, my shoulder hurts.”

You smacked it once you were on your own two feet and ran as much as you could with the weight of your feet sinking into the wet sand with each step. He quickly closed the distance between the two of you and tackled you to the ground. You fell back, with his hand behind your head, ensuring no damage to your person. You giggled up at him.

The edge of the waves were mere centimeters from you, but seeing him against the endless night sky, with glittering stars, him, your moon, you could not bring yourself to care.

You had so many questions you wanted to ask him, about his life as an idol, about his pursuits and his struggles and his hopes and his dreams. You were so excited to fall in love with him again. You hoped that he would be just as excited to love the person that you’ve become, the one that is so wholly you, but has been transformed by him.

Leaving things left unsaid was a burden the two of you beared for far too many years, believing that you deserved the painful yearning of each other, to make up for the choices made as teenagers.

You breathed in the salt of the sea, as you thought about how, years ago, you were in the same city, letting this very person walk away from you. Shame washed over you, as it has for years, like the waves that were ebbing and flowing right beside you, and tears began to form in your eyes. It was almost embarrassing, how easily you let him slip away. He deserved so much.

“I’m a lot,” you choked out.

He smiled softly as he cupped your face gently, not moving to brush away tears that were threatening to fall. He simply held you, wordlessly accepting all that you were.

“Never too much, and always enough, firefly.”

You wanted to thank whatever higher power was out there.

Whatever one compelled Jihoon to search your Instagram page and accidentally like a post from years ago, a notification that could have been swiped away accidentally in the middle of the night by a bleary-eyed and half-awake you.

Because what kind of future would’ve come otherwise?

Would you have reconnected in some other way, more purposeful and intentional?

Or would you have convinced yourselves that living apart was something that was inevitable and it was better to have simply let the past be the past?

Or would you have yearned for each other in ways that even the potential of running into each other would lead to an eruption of nerves?

You breathed in slowly as you wrapped your arms around his middle, breathing him in, letting his heartbeat drown out even the sound of the crashing ocean beside you.

It didn’t really matter.

This future will be one that you build.

Together.

[끝.]

[rockatnothing]

Season three of From has got me screaming, crying and throwing up!! I love it!!

Here's a bunch of random thoughts I have from episode five 🐦‍⬛ ngl I don't remember any character names so forgive that please lol

I'm theorizing that Fatima is being turned into one of the monsters. She was eating rot and was drinking Nicky's blood. Plus, she couldn't get into the colony house in a previous ep. I'm thinking the eating rot might reflect whatever happened inside the monsters to make their internal organs dry up. Honestly, I think all of the monsters were at some point human and then got turned. I think there was a mass turning sometime in the 60s because of the monsters based on their costume design. Perhaps they figured out how to kill all their monsters but as a trade off they got turned. The life Fatima could be holding is the birth of a new monstrosity.

The town and everything feels like an escape room to me. There are rules the world follows and things get more intense when the people find something new. Like with the phone/radio. There was a man in S1 Jim talked to and now we're talking to Thomas. If all of this was meant to destroy the people then why have someone warn them about Tabitha digging or returning. This world works in a specific way where there are ways to solve the horrible mysteries and active various entities helping the people.

Which reminds me of the whole thing with Tabitha and Victor's mom. It feels crazy how deliberate the town picks people. Plus that Tabatha isn't the only one that has had visions! I think all of the characters who hallucinate fit into roles. Like the town needs someone to see the kids, the symbol or the dried up woman in colony.

Who is the dried up woman??? Is she a ghost like the other dead we've seen or like Boyd has seen? She doesn't feel the same because she looks immediately scarier than the other dead. Maybe she has different motives or a different purpose narratively.

I'm glad Victor is talking to people about the past and thank god it's Sara who can help put puzzle pieces together.

I want a big reunion with Victor, Jade and Tabitha. I like their dynamic and want them to talk to Boyd because I feel like they'll solve some shit. I do kinda love the lack of communication tho. It makes things tense and you kinda know these plot hound characters WILL argue regardless.

I'm going to go crazy when Victor sees his Dad. I feel like the writers might make me cry again lol.

It was so funny seeing Kristi and Kenny have a heart to heart, then cut to a wide showing Jade just off screen. It brought a fun sleep over energy to it. Especially when jade went fuck it, wanna hear some weird shit?

In season 2 I found Randall annoying and a good antagonist. Then, as he got isolated and cicada-d I started sympathizing for him. Yeah he was a dick, but like damn he has nobody in hell. Then seeing him get picked out by the monsters and getting left alive on the ambulance really made me feel for him. I can't wait to see if he'll call out Boyd for leaving him or really how either character will react in episode 6. I hope Randall lives because it'll be a lot more interesting if he does and I want to see more of him.

I want to see Marielle and Kristi be sweet together. I love my sapphics 💚💚💚 I do like how Marielle is proving herself as a nurse and her caring for Fatima is helping her feel grounded. If something goes wrong with Fatima and the baby then I feel like it'll be a big blow for Marielle emotionally.

Julie and Ethan deserve so much better. Their dad, Jim, is obsessed with the mystery and can't pull his head out of his ass to be there for his kids. Plus I bet he's going to be super protective over Tabitha now she's back. Like let your wife be the plot hound and learn your lesson you need to protect the kids you still have. I just feel bad Julie and Ethan are thinking about what will happen when their parents are gone. It sucks.

I want to hug Donna; she is being pushed beyond her limit.

For a sec I thought Donna recognized the new cop character when the cop ran in. But it could also be a Holy shit more shit to deal with kind of reaction.

I bet the cop character has some sort of connection to one of the main characters. Like all of the new characters from season 2 ended up playing a significant role. This cop has to bring something. If not I hope the cop and Tabitha have an interesting relationship since they entered together.

Tabitha can find someone better than Jim and that better person is bisexuality

I like how before they kill minor characters they have tended to be present in episodes prior to their death. Like Nicky's death wasn't on the same level of emotional devastation as Tian Chen dying. But Nicky still felt like a real person in this world who died and not just the red shirt of the ep. The writers are doing an amazing job and I hope that keeps up.

[milkivikk]

💫 Just finished listening to (comic dubs)/reading Handplates by zarla-s and it was such an emotional ride. The entire story, dedication, characterization, tying of events, DIALOGUE, and depiction of mental health struggles were nothing short of a masterpiece. Seeing this comic lying around before and not tapping into it until now made me realize that I missed the chance to grow up with this series the way Sans and Papyrus grew up in it. Zarla, you are such a master artist and storyteller. Thank you for sharing your magic with the Undertale community. 💫

[vent below]

Sans' character hit too close to home, seeing life that way and being depressed due to it because of the present circumstances and especially because of the past can take a huge toll to your whole well-being, mental health, and the relationships around you. Getting up each day welcomed by dread is not a cakewalk, and the choice to just sleep and "be lazy" (which we know is not actually laziness) is so tempting even though you know you should take steps to be better and take on responsibilities out there. This feeling is very real and serious. I hope everyone out there has someone to talk to.

I also saw the struggle in Papyrus' side through his mania and also obvious signs of insecure parental attachment and abuse (for both of them). I relate to him as well in the need to have control over one's life due to self-imposed responsibilities and maybe imposter syndrome. But having experienced all that AND remaining compassionate is such a superpower, and I'm glad they survived all that and found their happy ending (which makes one yearn for theirs too).

I think the brothers' story was about finding meaning in life despite their past, conditions, and experiences, even with the dread of the "what-ifs" that this life might be all just a game. The determination and courage to rewrite one's own destiny.

I also love their sibling relationship (tho hyper-codependent but reasonably at that). Seeing them share an intimacy for each other's well-being and feelings tapped a soft spot in my heart and reminded me of my own relationships and search for meaning.

In this point of my life right now, I still struggle with the achievement of hope again and yet still have to embark to get there. I hope I do get my happy ending as well and be able to create different meaningful things in my life.

On Gaster's part, it just reminded me of second chances and the miracle of faith. Being given another opportunity to have a life despite all the ugliness and worst decisions you made in the past.

If I would be more hyper-analytical, I would've been quoting dialogues and referencing scenes rn and this'd be a long post or a multi-parter, but nah this is just my reaction to the whole thing.

Anyway, if you read all this, then hi. The artwork above is obv Zarla's and I jus shared it coz that's one of the scenes I loved among many others.

Take care wherever you are. 💫

[useless-catalanfacts]

No question. Just rant. I love your page. And sorry for chaotic story time vibes, but I don't think I'd realised how crazy this anti-catalan thing really is until I travelled to southern Spain. My Spanish is not great, but I took a course in Catalan in high school (long story on why this was available in my city but it also included a human tower party at the end and it was brilliant even tho I almost died) so when talking to people I casually threw in some Catalan words to help my Spanish. I am Norwegian, and I thought it was kind of like... as if someone was trying to speak Norwegian but casually threw in some Swedish to fill in the gaps. Like we would totally have joked about it, but overall we would just be grateful they really made an effort to be understood. But no. IT WAS NOT THE CASE. My host was literally offended. Like offended offended. I didn't really get it, because it's not like the Catalans have oppressed him and I'm coming here speaking the tongue of the oppressor (its kinda the opposite). But no. My host acted if I was the most ignorant person ever. He basically sat me down and explained that I have to show respect and speak castillian (or english, which was apparently fine, even if he understood about 1% of it), and then I asked if he would speak Catalan if he visited Barcelona and he said he would never visit Barcelona because he didn't like the people there. And then I said that if you hate them so much, why not throw them out of the country, get rid of them, and let them have their own state? It sounds like a win-win. And he looked as if he was gonna hit me.

Ah 😬

I wish things like this surprised me, but I have family from Andalucía and Extremadura and have friends who also have family from Andalucía, and so I've heard this and worse... It also reminded me of a few weeks ago when there was a scandal because a train in Málaga (in Andalucía, southern Spain) gave the announcements in Catalan instead of Spanish (turns out the train had been programmed in Catalonia during the COVID-19 restrictions and later moved to the Málaga train system, but for some mistake this day it was showing COVID-19 precaution in Catalan from 2020 now in 2024). It was such a scandal that it was on the news and politicians were making such a big deal of it, the PP (the most voted party in Málaga and of all Andalucía) also said it was "offensive" and that Malagans were being "laughed at" by the trains. Other errors in public transport that actually mean people can't travel in time don't get reported as much as when one train's screens tell you in Catalan to wear your facemask. 🤷

The last part of what you say, absolutely right. I never understood it either: if they really don't like us, then shouldn't they also be interested in not having anything to do with us? Why not just kick us out? I never really understood it until some years ago when I heard the words of a right-wing Spanish journalist (I think was Federico Jiménez Losantos?) who said something along the lines of "if Catalans want to leave, then leave. But Catalonia is ours." Meaning that Catalan people, individually, we can leave and migrate abroad. But the land is a possession of Spain, our homeland is their property. I think that sums up that view. It's not about being annoyed at having to share a state with a culture you despise, it's about wanting to keep domination.

I'm sorry you had this experience. Your effort to communicate should have been valued, and pulling the words you know from a language from the same linguistic family was a good idea that would have worked great, they wouldn't have found it offensive if the language you knew instead of Catalan was Italian, Portuguese, etc. Thank you very much for sharing your experience, and I hope you could enjoy the rest of your trip (Southern Spain, outside of situations like this, is a beautiful place), and I'm very glad to hear you enjoyed the castells party (and didn't die in it)!

[iicheeze]

THE NEWLY-WEDDED COUPLE

saintlou || [Name]'s Streaming Alias

very loud

but not so loud to make people's ears bleed

likes to play horror games but if it has multiplayer, you better believe that they're bringing a friend along

most of the time u get followers and subs by ur personality, but some just follow or sub them solely because of ur looks

(you're a 10/10 btw believe me)

friends with a lot of famous streamers like xhaitham, barbaraluv, redlou, chalkprince, and more

all of ur streams r always fun, u always somehow bring up a random experience u had in every situation

oui[name] || [Name] [Last Name]

[Name]'s private acc

basically a personal acc without including ur job

ur acc's only followed by ur irl friends (most of them u found from twitchvat)

most of the time u post food tweets or just u spitting random stuff ur brain shat out

like

"bro capitano's so cool idk if i wanna be him or be with him"

or

"what if i turned into an anime figure and the first thing i did is eat wait can i even eat as an anime figure"

dear_scara || Scaramouche's Work Acc

Used to be one of Fatui Fashion's Models

his (un)official nickname by the community is babygirl cuz his body is so slim and soft (like a babygirl)

tho his personality is very bitter, his fans r even wilder

everytime he does a photoshoot in public, ppl be crowding around it, asking to be stepped on, insulted, and even whipped

does he have a lot of paparazzi who have a degrading kink?

yes.

though he'd always find out if there's one nearby, so he just does uninteresting, bland, boring stuff

(he knows that boring pictures would sell badly)

tho thats not the reason why he got retired

he retired becuz of a certain stupid idiot ♡

kittymouche_ || Scara's private acc that no one knows existed

his username was ur idea, u found a stray cat that looked like him and started calling the cat kittymouche

(which he found annoying cuz he kept turning his head to u everytime u call the cat)

most of the time he tweets sweet nothings about you

(he wants to tell that to you irl but he'd never find the chance plus it's embarrassing in his eyes)

plus the only personal thing in his life that isn't known to the public is just you and his househusband life (cuz his paparazzi yk)

he's glad he retired

TAGLIST || @stellakito @crueldinasty @hysteriablues @hoesaria @childeslegstrap @dreamsofminnie @caffeine-mess @alatusorrow @lunaeclipsethesimp @lxkeeeee @myaaones @withloveminnie @kavxikitty @aeongiies @qwnelisa @liliumaraneae

SUMMARY II in which, a sassy and bitter househusband, and his beloved, idiotic streamer of a lover got married! what a lovely occasion. now, for the married life in a newer, and bigger apartment.

PAIRINGS || Househusband Scaramouche x Gaming Streamer GN Reader

MASTERLIST || IDIOT GAMER!

FUN FACT !

kittymouche is now the official property of [Name] [Last Name] and Scaramouche [Last Name]

[ask-duotale-b2fc]

THE BIG CAMEO PAGE AHHH

This bad boy took a hot minute. Was fun tho. There's more coming too!

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Prologue Start | Chapter 2 Start | Previous Page | Next Page

𖤐~~~~~~𖤐~~~~~~𖤐

Want to join a discord server for fans of Undertale and Deltarune? Click below now! It is a safe space for all. Come share your AU if you have one. Make friends! Be yourself!

If you enjoy the art, feel free to drop a like, reblog, or follow! I'm glad you enjoy the content enough to consider any of the options! xD If you'd like to support via Kofi or Commissions, all info can be found in the link below, along with all current ways to contact me with a gaurenteed response! It will also link you to all of my other (active) Undertale related profiles, SFW and NSFW.

𖤐~~~~~~𖤐~~~~~~𖤐

✨️Credits✨️

I bet you guys forgot I even wanted to do Cameos, huh?

In order, starting from top left!

(Assorted) Underplayers @underplayercomic (©️OG Url Owner: Yunan)

Glitchtale Asriel @camilaart

Blackberry & Luci @/us lmao

Fry, Bender, Leela ©️Futurama

Chara & Frisk @flavor-text-chara

Slumbertale!Chara & Azzy @rainingskeletons

AFAC Chara and Frisk @askfriskandcompany

Dreamtale(no not the one with the sans, the first one) Frisk @officialdreamtaleau-blog

Guardedtale Frisk and Chara @skeletal-entity (they said this was their blog but it doesn't link :'l)

Blackberry Sans (Swapfell) @interstellar-dweeb

Strawberry Sans @angeutblogo

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon 162 spoilers and thoughts except i'm a little bit late with them just a tad but it's okay we ball

.

.

.

i think. genuinely. the art and panels for this episode are my new top tier THEY'RE SO DAMN FUNNY I WAS LAUGHING THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME HAHAHAHAA

LIKE LOOK AT THEM THE DOUBLE TROUBLE DUO EVER I FUCKING LOVE THEIR EXPRESSIONS they're menacing in such different ways but at the same damn level they're so duo i love them so much stupid fucking guys /aff

now back to the top heehee VERKIS GOING STRAIGHT TO THE DAMN MOON

he knew the horror that was about to fall out of lloyds mouth and did not warn anybody bro just went to spectate i love him so much

also a glimpse at the planet lorasia is on!!! yippee yippee! it looks very similar to earth but the continental shapes are different,,, wonder if bk moon will ever write a story thats cross continental!!! is that how u use that term idk

AND CHRIST WAS IT HORRIFYING

LLOYD. LLOYD UR SINGING COULD DESTROY NATIONS. U COULD CONQUER THE WORLD JUST BY CALLING ONE NOTE. THIS IS AUDIO WARFARE WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL this is way too OP HAHAHAHA

ALSO ALSO HIS STANCES BEFORE AND AFTER HOLY FUCK. THE AURA IN THEM I FEEL INSANE lloyd you motherfucker ily so much never stop slaying both literally and metaphorically THE ART IS SO SO FUN

AND THEN THATS HOW RAPHAEL SAYS FUCK LAKDJFLSKDFHAAA HELPP he knew he was done for he could tell. his fucking blank ass face ohhh god i feel so so damn bad for this guy LOL

THAT BACK AND FORTH BY JAVIER AND LLOYD WAS CALCULATED AND ALSO MONSTROUS AS HELL. INSANE MOVE INSANE THEYRE SO FUCKING. AJDFLKJSLDFKJSDFH in sync <3 the boyfs ever beating up angels together <3 i LOVED how much they matched/paired with each other in these panels its so fucking good

SO many matching pfp moments here in this ep and i think these two in particular are my favorite HAHAHAHAAA ive said this before but i love how differently they showcase their menacing behavior hehee

AND THEN RIGHT AFTER THAT THE MOMENT RAPHAEL WAKS UP LLOYD GOES STRAIGHT TO GASLIGHTING. OH MY FUCKING GOD HES SO ANNOYING I LOVE HIM SM

also more duo expressions here heehee i just also really like this panel javier looks like he does Not want to be this Evil despite the fact that he's doing it anyway. lloyd youve taught him so well <3

also poor raphael again god he looks so fucking beat up LMFAOOO just a mf coughing baby :sob emoji:

AND THEN AND THEN. JAVIER BARGING IN he looks so fucking stiff here he's trying his mf best at this role he's found himself playing AHAHAHAHHAA

AND THE FUCKING. THEM HOLDING EACH OTHER BACK I WAS GIGGLING SO FUCKING BAD . ALSO THEM JUST HOLDING AND HUGGING IN GENERAL I LOST MY MIND WHAT THE FUCK. THEY'RE MATCHING THEY'RE MATCHING HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVED HTIS BIT the timing of it was so gold THEYRE SO FUNNY

javier's sentences being short and stiff he's a terrible fucking actor HAHAHAA

i feel so bad for raphael bro completely fell for it,,, poor little hamster,,, little guy doesnt know whats coming,,, that contract sealed his fate,,,,,,

WE ALSO GOT A >:3 LLOYD I THINK THATS AN IMPORTANT THING TO ADD. NOW WE HAVE A TOTAL OF TWO :3 LLOYDS OFFICIALLY IN THE WEBTOON here is to hoping we get more. its my favorite stupid expression i need more of it. lloyd is so >:3c to me that when i type that i think of him

again tho thats so damn evil of lloyd taking advantage of raphael's naivety :sob: silly guy ilysm

ALSO ALSO. THIS SERIOUS LLOYD MOMENT WHERE HE ACTUALLY MAKES A DAMN GOOD POINT ABOUT HOW THE HEAVENLY REALM HAS BEEN TREATING THE LOWER REALM. OHHHHH THAT WAS SO SO GOOD he's so cool when he's proving a point / spitting fire i love it when he does this and im glad he said smth, i rlly hope raphael can help w the realms and their communication so that shit like the jewel of truth getting illegal'd / other things like that can go smoother

the crossed arms n everything THATS SOOOOO HEHEHEHHEHEE DANCING AROUND

AND THEN NOT EVEN A MOMENT LATER HE GOES STRAIGHT INTO CONTRACT MODE I LAUGHED MY MF ASS OFFF HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

EVIL BASTARD. U AWFUL SCHEMER U. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH HAHAHAHAHAHA

do you think zhongli and lloyd would get along in a weird fucked up kind of way? i do. i think they should form a contract somehow and then fuck around a little bit

anyway im VERY excited to see what lloyd has planned for raphael exactly and also, since the jewel of truth is gonna get finished, what its going to say!!! swear to god fate better be beatable or im going to like. idk. curl up and cry. i need lloyd to finally get the happy ending he wanted, the lavish and carefree life he's been working for his entire life, one that's surrounded by people and family and loved ones and peace peace peace PLEASSSEEE HE'S WORKED SO HARD

sorry about this being mostly reacting too btw im just. eehehehehehe much action not much to say so im just giddy over this ep LOL

thats all from me for now!! see yall next week!!!! (aka tmrw when the update drops. bc this post was a teensy bit late. heehoo)

[serrybluesoul]

SONIC PRIME SEASON 3 SPOILERS BELOW !!!

ok i think i have my thought sorted a little now after watching the third season and i need to mention a few things !!

THE AMYS ACTING AND CALLING THEMSELVES SISTERS WAS A DYNAMIC I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED

Mangey slamming his head against the controls of the robot to make it work took me out I laughed so hard

DREAD IS ALSO BACK BEING HIS OLD SELF THANK GOD

Sonic !! And Shadow's dynamic !! They work so well together and I enjoy looking at them fight !!

Sonic doing some emotes and references to old games again is wonderful

Shadow just being so done with Sonic sometimes but still sticks to his side to save his butt

This scenes. Just this scene.

Sonic being utterly shocked when Nine created a robot from Big. I enjoy Sonic's genuine friendship to Big, even when we barely see it because he cares for the big guy a lot.

NINE !! GOD I LOVE HOW NINE HAS BEEN WRITTEN THANK GOD THEY STICKED THROUGH WITH THIS we so badly needed a Tails who flips the way he did

And the whole fight scenes were SO incredible and nice to look at GOOD JOB AT THE ANIMATIONS !! The characters felt SO alive and I genuniely enjoyed watching them all fight !!

Even the Council was rather nice these last few episodes, tho I'm glad they're gone for good

Shadow saving Sonic *chiefs kiss*

Sonic being absolutely glad and happy that he found Shadow again god they care for each other so much.

All the Rouges. They were amazing.

Froggy.

ALSO WHERE THE HELL IS THE CHARACTER JACKSEPTICEYE VOICE ACTED ??? HE CLIMBED UP TO GET THE PRISM AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN ???

Shadow's ' I'M THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM ' always hits

THE MUCH NEEDED HUG BETWEEN SONIC AND NINE AWWWW

SOMETHING feels like it's missing but I can't really pinpoint what it is. It felt a bit ... Unfinished at the end, but maybe because it's supposed to be in the 'original Sonic timeline' and canon. Even tho I can't tell exactly where.

Considering we have Cubot and Orbot it might be after Sonic Colors. But that's all I can really say about it.

All in all ? I enjoyed Sonic Prime. A lot. We needed a show which felt this alive and the animations of it were top notch. I'll be sad we won't have another season of it anymore but maybe we get a new series with a similar style.

And even tho he isn't liked by most of the community, I love Prime Sonic. He may be dumb and barely reads the air correctly: He felt like 'Sonic' to me, to be honest. 💙

Thank you, Sonic Prime 💙

[dapper-lil-arts]

Few mlp fanfic questions.

Are there any stories you read that influenced you to start writing your own?

Are there any characters you find it difficult to write?

I think everyone has their own opinion on what the best story the fandom has produced is. What do you think it is?

Does it feel strange to have come into the horse fic writing game so late? Especially with so many big authors already so popular.

Drawing on that previous question. How have the other writers in the fandom been towards you? Have you found the community welcoming?

1 - Not fanfiction, no, I was more influenced on media as a whole! And originally I started writing fanfic before I started actually reading it.

2 - Not in an actual writing sense, but fluttershy and rainbow dash dont rly mesh with my kind of stories usually. I usually write large stories with emotional resonance and lots of drama and action and romance, and characters like Fluttershy and Rainbow are harder to motivate for narratives like these, considering how chill and laid back they tend to me. I find it easier to push the others into drastic situations. 3 - I can't say yet, i've only read a few, and although I've enjoyed plenty, I've never had one to truly engross me and make me think "oh yeah, this is the peak. It cant get better than this" yet. Maybe its bc I write what I want and dont see as many stories like mine out there? Again, large adventures with lots of personal drama and romance all interconected with the same themes and narratives coupled with incredible payoffs. I've seen good dramas and good action and good romance, but rarely all in the same fic! (I have seen some incredible comedy fics tho.)

4 - Not really! I am really glad bronies arent around anymore, i did not want to deal with them, tbh. I will say though, now that the fandom is more chill and lowkey and mostly inhabited by gay people, there's no chance that I'll ever get one of my fics to have like. big audio dramas and comics made for them, no matter how good they are or appreciated they are.

It is definitely a shame when I see an incredibly popular fic and its like. Trashy, not even that interesting and bland, and I think damn. Were i in the fandom back then, could I dethrone this? The answer is no because I will never be famous lmao.

5 - Any writers I've met have been incredibly kind and supporting and fun! it's been a delight to meen peeps working on similar projects like mine and having the chance to discuss our crazy ideas, hehh. It is definitely a bit sadly a not very broad space, since for the people that are fans of this show, not many write or even read. Then you see people going "I never watched equestria girls bc it was teenage stuff" over you know, the children stuff, and I just scratch my head lmao. The writing part of the fandom is definitely a very small one compared to the rest, but there's good stuff in there.

It is def a bit disheartening at times, writing is smth that you put a LOT of effort to make coherent and fun, and sometimes peeps barely read it. it is what it is! i've got close friends that dont read my writing bc they cant focus enough to read or find time, it happens.

[achaotichuman]

It went right over my head when I read it before but it’s wild to think you were an IC fan before 🤯

Some of the awful years.

Y’all will flip at this, but here were my thoughts on the Acotar cast when I was fresh in the fandom.

Rhysand- Liked him, didn’t feel as bad for him as others did but I knocked that down to me just straight up not being attracted to him. I started hating him in Acosf tho. I hadn’t read Acosaf because I thought it a waste of time. But if I had seen those scenes before Silver flames then I would’ve probably hated him sooner.

Feyre- I thought she was really fucking annoying. Especially in her scenes with Nesta. Not much can be said for her because Feyre was more of a device to see through. But I would be the last to advocate for her. Obviously that has changed drastically.

Morrigan- Liar. First thing that comes to mind. She seemed like a white girl who peaked in highschool so I just didn’t like her.

Amren- She was my favourite character second to Nesta. Solely for the reason we now had a morally grey character that actually acted like an unapologetically bad person when she wanted to. This has severely changed. Also literally two lines into her introduction I was screaming Valg King. Amren is a Valg King no one can change my mind. That part hasn’t changed.

Cassian- I was a die hard Cassian fan. I loved this man. I swear to God I would have gone to war for him. I was also die hard nessian. Obviously that has also changed, for the better in my opinion.

Azriel- I cannot physically express how much I hated Azriel. He was quite literally my least favourite character, I wanted him dead. I was hoping every single page that he would be killed off. He was there for vibes and vibes only. Since Azris I am a changed man, but sometimes I just can’t stand him.

Nesta- My Queen. My Lady. My wife. My mirror. She made me feel seen and heard. I love this woman and I always will.

Elain- No opinions on her. I figured pretty quickly she would be a bigger factor later on but I had no opinions on her. I am very pro Elain now, but in canon I just don’t really trust SJM with her. Which is also why my only solid ship with her is Gywnlain. I am very anti Elriel, always was.

Lucien- My heart and soul. I was obsessed with this man. I wanted to wrap him up and hold him close. Still do.

Eris- I didn’t understand the hype in Acowar but come silver flames and I was diving deep into this man. Trying to undo every cryptic word. I developed a very deep love for him. One that has only grown.

Tamlin- Felt sorry for him, but overall I had no strong opinions. I really wanted Acotar back. In the first book I would have probably given up a kidney for him, then it went down slowly. In Acowar however I was defending this man left and right. By Acosf I wanted more Tamlin.

Then I started to deep dive into the characters and their arcs. This was before I joined Tumblr. And the more I read the more convinced I was that in the next book the IC was going to have a falling out because their dynamics made no sense to me. They looked like they were slowly breaking, and Rhysand was very shortly put on my anti list.

But I never made a big fuss about my thoughts because if I did I got attacked really fuckin quickly.

Then I joined Tumblr and found a great community where I could hate and be supported.

Love you guys to death. Thanks to all of you I get to be in my Pro Tamlin, anti IC world and I am so glad I get to be here.

Edit- I was also extremely closeted when I first read Acotar and that definitely had its affect on my opinions on some of the characters.

[dansevilpianotea]

ramble ahead about time, tatinof, 2015 and changing one's life

tatinof is very special and im so happy they did this video to acknowledge that its not cringe at all and that theyre proud of their past selves !! there's sth genuinely healing about that !! ive had a hard time in 2015 and even tho i was 12/13 and just discovered that online fan communities of things i was into were a thing and was nowhere close to the phandom (i joined after BIG), this is the fandom internet that i joined back then. thats why its so poetic that they sing 'the internet is here', because to me this is the time it started to be there for me. it wasnt always kind to me and instagram was not a great platform to start on if your bullies and other ppl from school were also on it, but it was also when for the first time ever i realised that there were not only people who liked what i liked but that those ppl also have created their own culture and community online !! i was not totally alone !! there is a life outside of school !! i would never chose to go back to that time ever like it was horrible (that applies to any time in the past tho, i hate the idea of 'going back in time' with a passion) but im glad that the internet was there for me because no one else really was if im being real with you.

more below the cut because im an insufferable yapper (dan is a terrible influence haha tit joke)

this all is maybe why i find it hard to go back to watch dnps older content and also the stuff from the tatinof era. dan's sarcastic self-hating persona and phils innocent nerd persona are both hitting a bit too close to home and i want to both cry for them and for myself. we knew nothing back then. we were lost and yet did sth we were proud of. yet here we are almost 10 years later and how the fuck did we end up here but oh my god im so proud of us. all it took for me was to watch dan's coming out video. all it took for them was to be embraced and loved by their audience (us). dan also needed a break which is something that at the time it happend was really hard for me but then i found my wonderful lovely phannie discord friends here. we really all got here together and if i ever see any single person say that dnp hate us or dan hates it or that dnp are cringe or that we are cringe etc etc i will block you so hard because what are you even doing bringing up drama when in reality dan and phil and the phandom have developed the most remarkable symbiotic relationship between artist adn fans ever. they are our dads and i honestly just want to say how fucking proud i am of them for how far theyve come and what theyve done since 2015. dan really did the whole mental health and gay thing but then he did the mental health again!! and i think ywgttn and wad need to be given more credit here because idk if you remember pre-wad dan but he wasnt anything like post wad dan. every since wad he seems so happy and genuinely authetic and in peace. (im ignoring dystopia daily here because that was filmed before wad and his dd persona also reminds me too much of 2015 depressed dan than whatever high concept he was going for lol, im just not a dd fan). like wad changed his relationship with us and its warming my entire heart when i see dan smile so much now. he deserves to be happy and proud. and if dan deserved it after going through so much and coming out on top (literally), then i deserve it too. and phil? i love how he's just so confident now. fuck. (literally). he is not the innocent nerd anymore like he actually is fully really himself now and feels comfortable in his body (crop top, phlonde, etc) and openly expressing his sexuality ! even compare this phil to phil from the beginning of the hiatus!! he got so much more confident and relaxed since then!! like fully, really, if he can do it, if he can strip himself of the persona that ppl have attributed to him because of his anxiety, then i can do that too. im so proud of phil. he is an inspiration and the more he's being himself publically with no shame, the more an autistic phannie will feel hopeful for their future. im so proud of both of them.

like its crazy you go through your life thinking you're going nowhere and never making any progress and will never reach your goals but then you stop and look back what you were like 6 months ago and realise how many lives you have lived since then. it always goes back to BIG when dan said this:

[...] I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that's it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. I want anyone that's ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side.

this everyone, changed my life. and i will never be able to thank dan enough for it, no matter how much i pay for tour tickets, how often i watch their videos or share my love for them on here. i just want to mention this because its never just 'light entertainment', it means the world to many of us and we have build a wonderful and loving community despite the hardships of the past and pointless discourses of the present. like, we can change shit for ourselves because we see these gay idiots do it who have done soooo fucking much in the last 15 years like they were on radio 1 and on a hollywood billboard and hosted various big big events. and yet, they decided they want to use their time to do things for themselves and their community. they have said many times that they havent made a profit from (parts of) their tours but they do it regardless. they do really love us and i dont think ive ever really felt loved by people who i was in a fandom for like that. its really not as parasocial as it might seem anymore. we got here together and we should be proud of that. i love dnp and i love you phannies so much !! 💕💕💕💕💕

[funnier-as-a-system]

Heyy I'm that game concept anon! Wanted to say that it's been absolutely lovely to read about different systems' experiences!! Nice to see we're not alone lol. I'm usually pretty confident in what we have going on, and people around us (in college) somehow are... supportive, even tho they don't understand what I'm talking about like half the time, but that moment bent me out of shape a little. Glad to report that I'm now back into the proper confident shape yeehaw :)

Also in my first ask I somehow failed to mention this, but the whole deal with the "romantic connotations" was literally just my teacher making it up himself. Like as much as I wanted to show my relationship with my husband/co-host one for one, I wasn't originally going to make the game characters have a romantic relationship. Cuz platonic relationships are very important too! And overall the goal was to show how alters should have better in-sys communication and collective problem-solving, when possible (and NOT bully each other for 'stealing' each other's life, and NOT bully the persecutors for being mean without trying to figure out why they're mean and without trying to help them, and NOT bully other alters for acting like they do without learning their reasoning, like we did, unfortunately.) I guess husband's 'Protective husband' energy was just too intense for the teacher to handle lol. But NOW I do want to incorporate in-sys dating. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

(also please take care!! That's a lot of asks to have wow. Hope you're doing well!)

Hey there!! It's great to hear from you again!

I'm really glad you're feeling better after what happened. So, your professor was just seeing romance where there wasn't any, huh? Feels like a common theme with professors whenever someone writes about any kind of close relationship – maybe it's due to amatonormativity, or maybe in this case it's just your husband's "protective husband energy", as you say, haha. But I'm happy to hear that you've continued working on your project with passion, and that you have people who support you!

I'm also happy to learn more about this game concept you're working on, because it sounds very cool! Everything that you list are important things for systems to learn, though I find many systems struggle to learn them when they first discover their plurality. As we said to a friend once, with how strongly the idea of "one body = one self = one life" is cemented into everyday narratives, it's difficult to unpack that and accept that your body and life may not be only your own, thus making it difficult to accept your system and respect your headmates. Of course, this doesn't excuse rude or cruel behavior between system members, but it's a common reason we've found for conflicts that occur shortly after syscovery. So, I find the fact that you're not just acknowledging but showing these conflicts and the process of improving relationships (with the word "relationships" being used in a general sense here) between headmates in your game to be a very good thing!

Thank you very much for the follow-up – and for the concern, haha! We'll be alright, but I think we'll soon have to create a specific tag for all these asks about intrasystem relationships. Maybe "datenight musings" will work? Hm, we'll workshop it.

[myownwholewildworld]

was it the ants biting her and the whole getting an infection from it??? That has to be it!

I’m so glad she’s immune tho, I was really hoping for it but can’t ever trust you lovely writers to not break our hearts hahaha! I’m so happy she’s better and her and Joel are still together 🥺

ANON MAY I KISS YOU?? PLEASE??

okay i’m going to take this opportunity to talk about something i’ve been dying to since "wherever you go" came to my mind 😭

short answer: YES!!!! 🙌

long answer: when i first posted chapter 1, i only thought of this story as a oneshot. and then i watched a video narrated by the lovely david attenborough where he talked about cordyceps (for those who don’t know, cordyceps is a real fungus!) and ants. my imagination started flowing! that was when i knew i wanted a protagonist who was immune, but unlike Ellie, it was not from birth, but acquired by being bitten by ants.

to summarise the video (this is the one, it’s super interesting so i do recommend watching it, the photography is incredible, like all bbc documentaries), cordyceps infects ants and can kill whole colonies, which is what happened with reader’s terrarium. she picked ants off her yard that had been exposed to cordyceps and brought them to her colony, dooming the whole community in the process of doing so. cordyceps attacks the brain’s motor ability of ants, forcing them to walk back to their colonies to die nearby and spread the spores of the fungus. from what i read too, the host is apparently still fully conscious of what they are doing, but because the fungus literally controls their motor skills, they are unable to stop themselves. this would mean that people infected with cordyceps would be aware of them attacking other people but couldn’t control themselves. how fucking wild is that???

in chapter 8, i wrote: “my parents didn’t even let me have a look at it [the terrarium].” the reason for this is that, if you’ve watched the video, reader would have seen fungi literally growing out of the dead ants. if i had mentioned that, it’d have been a straight giveaway that i wanted to avoid lol

so yes, basically reader is immune to cordyceps because she had already been exposed to it as a child when the ants bit her. it was a milder mutation of the infection though (milder but she still spent 2 weeks in hospital fighting for her life lol), which allowed her immune system to build up the immunity that would protect her in the future. being bitten now would have been like getting a top-up vaccine, hence why fighting the infection didn't take her 2 weeks this time round.

and that’s the story, sorry for all the yapping! but as a scientist myself, i found the whole thing so fascinating! 🤭

thank you very much for the lovely ask and for reading about these two lovebirds! i’m eternally grateful that you were happy about how the chapter turned out! it’s people like you who make me want to quit my job and just write till my fingernails bleed 🥰 much love and forehead kisses to you, lovely! 💖