#my mental state has been rather iffy the last week or so

[dragonanne4fun]

.

[hoseoksluna]

YOU'RE NOT DIRTY | myg

pairing: ex boyfriend!yoongi x f. reader

genre: fluff

word count: 2.4k

summary: he, who has always been able to untangle the ropes of chaos that is your mental health, helps you when you need to not be alone for once.

warnings: demonization of sex, anxiety, fear, crying & all kinds of iffy feelings about sex, yoongi being perfect

note: this was purely written as a way to heal and cope with the fact i felt extremely dirty after writing my last smut fic 'story'. if you've been following me and reading the little updates i post, you already know this. while this fic is loosely based on 'story', it's not necessary that you read it if you haven't, although namjoon is mentioned. i'd spent over a week writing this and every day had been a step closer to feeling better and it's all thanks to yoongi. he's always been the person who helped me with my mental health, especially when d-day came out. it had to be him. he's linked to this part of me forever. enjoy reading guys <3

“You’re not dirty.”

Those words should comfort you. Those words should rip away those sleazy fingers of the ghost that touches you—the ghost of shame, who mocks the touches of the lover you were with barely an hour ago. But those words do anything but. 

The man, who uttered them, studies your ashen face. He doesn’t see the demon’s large body on top of yours, constricting your airflow. Nobody ever does.

He doesn’t see the way the ghost scrapes the surface of your skin with its long claws; how its flimsy, wet and tattered cape deepens the wound with its rough fabric as bile rises in your throat. How could anyone?

It hurts.

It hurts to the point that you think your sexuality is that demon. That anytime a person of the opposite sex would touch you from now on, he would somehow beckon that hostile creature to come and collect you, slimy hands grasping yours and pulling you in—the touch so deathly that the sordidness would seep into your skin and make a bed in you. Then, the torture would begin all over again.

Shortness of breath. The feeling of your body being dirty and heavy. The distaste towards sex and men that follows after. The despair; the loss of hope that life could be possibly normal for you sometime in the future.

Despite it being such a hefty feeling, only a small part of you regards as true that this is someone else’s fault. It’s devastatingly pathetic.

The majority of your being believes that the foulness is yours. That you’re the one to blame. You believe that it’s your decision and your repulsive actions that stain you. And if that wasn’t enough, the certain question of why links arms with that belief, troubles you along the way, and it becomes much, much worse.

Why does filling a dose of hormones that you lack, that you need for your well-being leave you feeling like you did something very bad?

And, also, another one.

Why does enjoying yourself with another person—becoming close with them in a way that is tempestuous, dizzying and beautiful in such a simple sense, in a way that makes life truly worth living���why does it leave you with those burdening thoughts, soiled body and even grimier conscience? 

Those questions fill you up with dark clouds with no stars, dense and thick ones that weigh your body down. You walk through your daily life with trembling legs. And it’s all forced. You’d rather not feel that way, but it comes over you, swallowing you whole, and you have no strength to fight back. It’s all very frustrating. There’s nothing you can do.

The man’s words should take the edge off this discomfort, the lull and the softness of his tone—the maturity, complexity and dependability of his persona the very warmth that coats his voice—like a damp towel to all your gashes and sores. Help you in some way that you’re unable to help yourself. Perhaps lift the body off of you like Atlas held the world above his head. But they don’t.

And it’s Yoongi. The man you love, even if the state of your relationship is chastely friendly at the moment.

It’s Yoongi, who picked you up in the rain pouring down on you woefully, perfuming your hair with the sweetest, most heady scent of the forest. Yoongi, who gave you his clothes—boxers that fit you comfortably, even if they are a little loose in certain areas, gray sweatpants that decorate the ivory waistband of the Calvins, an old shirt, quite an expensive one, warm and cozy from the dryer. 

Yoongi, who let a velvety blanket fall on your shivering figure once you’ve showered, dressed, and rested comfortably on his couch, placing a light pink bowl filled with cheese puffs on your lap, knowing how much you love the color and the snack, too. Yoongi, who typed the title of your favorite Korean drama into the Netflix search bar, thumb clicking on the up, down, left and right buttons on the remote control, even though he hates doing so and prefers the voice search. Yoongi, who opted for muted leniency to waft through the room, turning off the big lights, sound low, fingers having finished typing the title: ‘It’s Okay Not To Be Okay’.

It should do something. But it doesn’t.

You’re incapable of looking him in the eyes. You just numbly gaze down at the orange tastiness, plopping another one into your mouth, swallowing down the bile. You dissociate, eyes defocusing, the pressure to respond to him a distant siren alarm at the back of your mind. 

A solid, peculiar peace steps over the threshold of your mind to check if it’s welcome before it takes a step back and walks the other way, the stench of the mold of your feelings pushing it away. 

Must have been his. 

He’s careful before he says what he wants to say in its entirety.

Yoongi takes his hands off of your forearms. The glint of his silver watch pulls you out of your detachment. Guilt pricks you at the nape of your neck over the fact that he’s trying and you’re too numb to receive it from him. You will your body to be normal, but it stays the way it is.

You had told him briefly in the car, amidst the onrush of your liquid emotions, that you felt that way. Dirty, soiled, ashamed of your perverseness. He didn’t comment on it, driving in silence. He knew that if he spoke too soon, you wouldn’t hear him—choosing to place your palm on the stick shift instead, holding your hand like that.

It struck you with the notion that you spoke too much. Did too much. That you should’ve just stayed quiet, stayed without feeling until he killed the engine at your apartment, until the door softly clicked behind you. You didn’t hear the language of his hand, all the words that gesture said. Instead, you listened to the false words in your brain.

You’re bothering him. He doesn’t care. He thinks you’re annoying. You should’ve called an Uber or you shouldn’t have come at all. You should’ve been home, depriving yourself of life, of excitement, of love and pleasure. 

But Yoongi didn’t drive you home—he didn’t drive down the familiar path to your apartment. And Yoongi didn’t speak because he knows you better than you know yourself. 

He wanted you to pour out the rain of your clouds before his words could tear them apart with sunlight. It wasn’t his intention to make you suffer more than you already did. 

You didn’t know this, though.

“Did you hear what I said?” the grim man asks, the grave acrimony to his voice alerting you and you feel so bad. So, so very bad.

A silky waterfall of his ebony hair brushes the tops of his cheekbones. You notice how the similarly colored hood of his sweatshirt envelops his neck in warmth, merging the hues into one color within the dimness of the living room. Looking down at your crisscrossed legs, mimicking his, you unfurl the blanket over his thighs. It pulls you into one unity with him, his steadfastness reaching for you.

“I did, Yoongi,” you say, wanting to be honest within the environment you find yourself in. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“Did he make you feel that way?” Yoongi folds his arms over his chest. Leans over the backrest. Suddenly you’re aware of the distance between the two of you. Glad that the blanket is big enough. “Dirty?”

It’s a question that hurts because you wish you could change your answer.

“I wish he did.” Your voice wobbles. Somehow his calm demeanor cracks yours, pushing the voices aside. “It would’ve been easier.”

If Namjoon were the one who hauled the words at you instead of your brain—if it were his touches that dug a hole in your heart instead of the ghost—you wouldn’t be sniffling your nose, willing your tears to go back where they came from. It’s all you and the broken interior of your body. Namjoon treated you perfectly, having invited you over to his residence near the woods. He didn’t make love to you, but he did play with you, coaxing moans out of you that echoed through his mansion. You enjoyed yourself, even though you enjoyed pleasuring him a little more.

Perhaps, that’s the biggest problem of it all.

“What do you mean by that?”

“It would’ve been easier ‘cause I would’ve blamed him.” You sigh, averting your gaze, plucking out fluff from the blanket on your knee. 

Yoongi runs his fingers through his hair to sweep it away from his eyes. His leisure position sinks him deeper into the dimness as he lowers his body into the cushions, arms back on his chest. 

“There’s no one to blame, though,” he says simply, biting his lower lip. 

You don’t know what to say. Busying yourself, you take a sip of the can of Sprite Yoongi got for you, aware of the strange emptiness within the walls of your mind. There’s always some kind of noise, some kind of accusation towards you. You’ve become used to it, learned to live with it. It’s a strange newness, this silence. You don’t know what to do with it. 

“You did nothing wrong,” he continues, voice so warm and so deep, despite its monotonicity. 

You merely shrug your shoulders. 

Yoongi reaches forward and places a hand on your left shoulder. As if to stop your stubbornness from overwhelming your body. You feel the heat of his palm and your mouth rounds in a pout. There’s energy in it—some kind of energy that mends you. His words are tall pillars that you slowly make your way over to, leaning against their coolness. Lukewarmness. 

You discover that it feels better. The heat of his touch, the coolness of his solemnity. It creates a temperature that your body responds to, walks away from the hostile creature. 

Before he had spoken, Yoongi touched you. Placed his palms in the crooks of your arms. But it didn’t affect you—and it’s because he hadn’t spoken. Now that he has, it whirs with some kind of spark in you that speaks the language of your body. 

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Yoongi asks, lowering his head, eyes up, so he can look more deeply into yours. Perhaps read an answer. Any reaction that would tell him that he can move forward. 

You remain quiet, but you reciprocate the eye contact. And you do it for a reason. Now that your mind is empty, you desire for him to fill it. 

You shake your head.

Yoongi cups the side of your neck. Brushes your hair away from your face with his other hand. Inches closer. Pecks you gently on the forehead. 

The gesture squeezes the clouds in you and rain pours out. It trickles out of your tear ducts, down your pallid cheeks. Yoongi leans against your temple. Doesn’t let himself see those raindrops, but he knows they’re there. 

“You did nothing wrong by enjoying sex and you’re not dirty because you had it. It doesn’t stain you. Do you know what it does instead, though?” He whispers, keeping his voice low just for you; waits for your response. 

You shake your head ‘no’ once more, your shoulders relaxing now that you’re being held, now that you’re being spoken to, filled, made new. 

“It paints you golden. Glittery. And all colors of the rainbow are in that glitter. It’s all over you and it’s in you. And do you know the reason?” 

This time he doesn’t wait. Your tears soak the thick fabric of his sweatshirt and a rosy flush floods your cheeks in their place. You sob, and the sound is muffled.

“It’s because you had a good time. Good experiences paint you in all kinds of different ways. You just have to open your eyes to see them. All those colors.  Wait a bit before you can try ‘em all out. It takes time, doesn’t it?” 

You nod, and you do it so many times that your head spins, whimpering at the sudden lightness that your body welcomes. Yoongi hugs you, enclasps you in his arms. The blanket falls to the ground and it’s his body that keeps you warm, the ghost shoved away. You continue to cry until not one cloud fits in your ribcage, Yoongi’s words being the bodies that settle there, cleaning up the disorder they left there. Bodies speckled with the same glitter he talked about, myriads of silver, violet and blue flakes spelling the abbreviation of his name: MYG. 

I have glitter inside of myself.

You repeat it to yourself as your lungs calm down, regular breaths soothing your fragile form still held by Yoongi. He caresses the back of your head, fingers smoothing down your hair, making sure it cascades down your back in one singular stream. 

Lifting your head like a toddler on its belly, you do the same for Yoongi. You brush his hair away from his face, thumb stopping to caress at his cheek. Yoongi puckers his lips at you, hauls you a bit further upwards on his body. Mimics you again, fondling your cheek blooming with a new color. 

“No matter what you do with whoever you choose, you’ll always be a good girl,” he murmurs, the pad of his thumbs flicking away the last teardrops under your eyes, swiping tenderly across the intricate fan of your wet eyelashes. 

You believe him, so you nod, chin quivering with another onrush of emotions but nothing comes out. You don’t say it, but you have a confidence in the notion that your body will be eternally his. 

And you ponder it in your brain, softly, as Yoongi leans over and sets a tangerine down on the top of his chest. You come to terms with it being the current reality while he peels it for you. And you fully believe it and accept it when he feeds you the half moons. One by one, painting the walls of your mind with the faintest color of orange—the very reflection of a morning sunlight pouring in. 

A solid peace, no longer peculiar, steps over the threshold of that suddenly illuminated room, and it doesn’t leave this time. It swings the door closed, the sound of the click the very announcement of stability coming to stay. 

© 2024 hoseoksluna, all rights reserved

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[maerobotron]

Listen, this might be insecurity, or boredom, or people pleasing or whatever, or I'm just feeling a spiral of doom related to some life things, and I'm not at all good at keeping up on these kinds of things, except, oddly, xanga? which dates me?

I'm starting to get to the point where I don't give a damn, but I'm not there yet.

Anyway, there's some small town drama that I just have to speak about so I am reviving a dream of mine called Harriet the Suburban Spy.

The short introduction to this is that between COVID and a mental health crisis, I moved back to my small hometown from a big city and I hate it and spend a lot of time ignoring my grandma when she says that "Smallville is a great town to live in" and the local paper gives addresses about police calls and more than once I have seen people comment about how "Smallville's crime rate is horrifying, and I would never move to the big city!"

(DC is a possibility here. I'm not likely to stick to one topic regardless. My thoughts about Superman and Smallville are complicated though and my partner is required to listen to me on this, so I might just leave it in his capable hands)

SHORT INTRO???

More under the cut, I know I'm wordy, and this is probably not interesting.

I'm the worst. I was not a popular kid in high school, which I'm cool with, but I was on the periphery of a lot of things, and one of those things was the school's music program. And in my hometown, the music program is big. Probably not as big as sports, cause, this is the United States, but big.

And also toxic. Glee, toxic even.

Oh yes friends. We had 2 show choirs. My sister (twin, estranged, complicated) was part of the freshman one but then there was a weird religious thing where even dancing was iffy, so she quit, but still, I did get to see some shit.

In any case, late last year the beloved (BELOVED) show choir director was placed on suspension pending investigation. The kids are out of control, but what that means is anyone's guess, and frankly, to be incredibly millennial, the boomers in this town are wild and out of control has meant anything from wants to take on more leadership at church to terrorism. This guy has been with the district for 30 some years, and that's a long time, so the little town freaks out, and I have friends who have kids in these programs start defending the heck out of this guy, and I'm just thinking, not only have I been in the district's music program (band, orchestra, choir) but I've also attended more music functions in this town because of Smallville's biggest cheerleader, my grandmother, and I have never interacted with this guy, and normally I trust these friends, but for some reason I have a bad feeling about this guy. But whatever. I can't judge without any evidence, and I am unlikely to meet this guy in my everyday life, so I'll let my tiny sister (best friend, fellow gossip) know about this, and we reminisced about other sister's time in this and other music endeavors and we both largely forgot about this. The guy was reinstated a few weeks later and the investigation resolved, and I thought it was probably resolved more because of a booster threatening rather than an actual conclusion, but whatever.

Until this week, when "Local alum sues school district" and I'm like what... The alum in question: we overlapped a couple of years, but I don't know him, but I was intrigued by this whole thing. What is his part on this? Now, the local paper already has some issues, but I was especially intrigued by the fact that they didn't say anything substantial about who this is. The reason for the lawsuit is because the district has not provided information that he has requested regarding the investigation.

Here's the thing. I don't necessarily find it weird that a random guy with no apparent ties to the investigation is interested. If kids are being harmed, or lack proper adult supervision, this is a community issue. I am also concerned. But I'm still like, who is this guy and what is he doing? It is one thing to be concerned and another to file a lawsuit.

I will admit. I do not care about this town. It used to be a swamp, and in my opinion, it can go back. And part of my reasoning is because I have come across too many people in this town that are interested in protecting the powerful at the expense of those who are not. And of course this is every town, and the world, yeah, yeah, but this is my hometown and I can hate it without anyone's permission. It does not surprise me that the district is not handing over information. They are barely willing to hand out transcripts (ask me how I know). And maybe this is a lawsuit to help correct that. But I still don't know why he cares so much.

So like, if you're interested, stay tuned for more details. If you're not, I am sufficiently amused.

[enberlight]

Can we get some Good Vibes? ❤

I know all of us have been having A Time the last two years. But it's been ramping up really bad for my family lately, and we've reached a rather precarious tipping point. With our mental and physical health, as well as our finances. We're dodging foreclosure and losing utilities right now, while trying to get answers on several health problems and processing the grief of losing Grandma on top of all the Other Fun Stress.

I'd appreciate some good vibes and signal boosts, both would go a long way toward cheering me up (and replacing some of this stress with positivity!)

I'm a queer neurodivergent artist (and writer) supporting a mixed-race family of four (plus pupper). My job has been on reduced hours for over a year and we can't make ends meet any more when I'm getting between 10-20 hours a week. They keep promising it'll get better so I keep hanging in there, but... It's been two years of promises now. Hub is back in school to get away from retail and help us be independent again, but that's going to take time and we're struggling now. I can't hunt up another job because I'm home with our toddler.

I take art commissions over on @caffeinatedmagpie (I do digital paintings and 3D renders of OCs, novel and series characters), and I have a ko-fi if anyone wants to drop a little tip. Art is slow at the moment as my health is iffy (appointment in May), but I will field commission inquiries on @caffeinatedmagpie.

Further details about our situation:

Financially we're in quite a mess now. My income was cut in half last year (pandemic wrecked my industry) and has been even lower lately, so we can't even limp along any more. We have over $8k in medical debt from the hit-and-run that totaled my car at the end of 2020, plus accounts that went into collections while I couldn't work due to the recovery from my injuries. We missed the last mortgage payment, and our water was cut off today. (March 22.) I'm working on arrangements for those, but it's been difficult to scrape anything together this month. What we had went to funeral expenses and replacing a blown tire.

Health wise things are iffy too. Hub is diabetic and our older son has a new food allergy, so both are on restricted diets that make the grocery bill tricky. Kbit (12) has also been in severe stomach pain all year, we're seeing a gastroenterologist next week to find out why (avoiding the allergen hasn't helped). I'm seeing a doctor in May to find out why I've developed severe menorrhagia (which nearly sent me to the ER last week due to anemia and drop in blood pressure). That's on top of my chronic pain, chronic fatigue, anxiety, and depression. We were treating those last year but the meds caused me to get severe full body tremors for a few months until we cut them out. (I am now rather adrift with all this stress. Fun. Thus the need for good vibes!)

The littlest bit (almost 3) is pretty healthy but the State is nagging me about his speech delays, so we're getting him some options for that. He has upcoming appointments with audiology and Autism screening; I don't expect either to pan out. He's just on his own schedule, like Kbit was.

The dog is doing great and is possibly the laziest border collie mix in existence. She's been comfort cuddling our older son, and watching over me. She has a full time job of laying down with whoever needs her, basically. Good pupper.

Anyway thanks for listening, I almost never spill details like this but I've been holding all the stressors in for two damned years now and I just got overwhelmed finally. Woo.

So like. Can I get a nice big pile of good vibes to boost us up? Because I am not enjoying myself @.@

Signal boosts for my art account and ko-fi also go a long way to help. Thank you ❤

- Enber, 22 March 2022

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Αιώνια αγάπη (DT. AU) pt.5

05: Ashes to ashes

Summary: Finally a Kappa sister, but things go awry.

Warnings: swearing, fluff, angst

Word count: 2700

Αιώνια αγάπη (DT Modern Greek god/frat! AU) MASTERLIST  

Special thanks to @daddygraysonsbitch​ for being Sara Howell in the story.

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A week had passed since the last challenge, giving Y/N a hard time sneaking around with the Dolan twins. Neither of them seemed to back off when she asked and to be honest, she didn't want them to.

Y/N wanted to explore their minds, hearts and bodies. She wanted to know every nook and cranny that makes their souls and most of all, she needed to know where she fits in their still unfinished puzzle of life.

Every night she's been haunted by dreams of a woman she has never met, each dream harder to differentiate from reality as they come in like a storm and ravage her, leaving her tired every morning and frightened to close her eyes at night. Every night something changes, detail by detail and it's only a matter of time before it's entirely different than the original dream...and it scares her. The woman in her dreams scares the living light out of her and no matter how many times she wanted to talk about it to someone, she was afraid speaking about it would make it more real.

Riddle me this.  How can I call it a nightmare, if it doesn't leave my presence when I awake?

The party is mere minutes away, her nerves at an all time high because if anyone notices she's growing closer to either Ethan or Grayson, she'll be in deep shit. It's them she wants to talk to, share her dream because deep inside her heart, she knows they would understand. They wouldn’t think she’s mad.

Since it's a sorority party after all, Y/N has put on her white shorts and green shirt in solidarity, placing her golden leaf crown in her hair with a smile as the crown is engraved with her name and the date, serving as proof of membership.

She can officially call herself a Kappa sister.

While Y/N worried of her sisters noticing her ongoing friendship with the frats next door, those frats had worries their plans weren't moving fast enough.

"It's a problem! Not only will she avoid us like the plague now, she'll be chased by other guys as well. We're not the only ones on campus, Apollo." Hermes paced his room, getting jittery and impatient.

"And you know what happens when we wait too long." Hermes warns, remembering Yashi and many more after her that have gone awry because it took them far too long to connect with the descendant. Stronger the bond between a descendant and the god they're an heir to, less time they have...and Y/N has ties to two incredibly strong beings. He's noticed Y/N cares for both of them, but her allegiance to her sorority is stronger as it connects her to her mother. That's all the information he got out of Apollo so far as he's the one communicating with her so frequently.

"We can't exactly kidnap her, now can we?" Apollo groans, running his hands through his hair so it gets the perfect wave he usually sports. He had to be on his best behavior tonight and the looking good part wouldn't hurt either.

Once he looks back at his brothers wide eyes and the craziness in the look they reflected once the words resonate with him, Apollo turned around with his index finger pointing at Hermes sternly, commanding.

"Let me rephrase that. YOU. WILL. NOT. KIDNAP. Y/N." He emphasized each word, stepping closer with every one of them. Apollo might not be the intimidating brother on most days, but the way his eyes darken and his lips set in a firm line, his jaw clenches and tightens the muscles in his face, eyebrows pull closer together and forehead wrinkles - that's when he looks like the bringer of death.

But that doesn't scare Hermes. Never did.

"Oooh, I have a better plan than that." Hermes smirks, the devilish scheme clear to Apollo, just not the details. He knows this would lead to trouble. It always has.

Hermes had better plans than Apollo on any given day, but that's not always a good thing. Hermes doesn't care about consequences, when he wants something he does whatever he wants to do and his recklessness is a major reason why in their prolonged stay on earth. He's always been wildly unstable and unpredictable.

Apollo was worse when they were gods. Hermes did his job, but found it fun to play with humans to break the mundane of his existence he believed his life became. Apollo was just like Hermes is now - overly confident and iffy morality without concern of consequences of his deeds.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

"If you mess this up for us, I will fucking kill you." The looming threat puts a smile on Hermes' face instead of fear. Regardless what happens, Apollo would never make good on his threat. He's made similar threats before, they both did at some point but neither could harm each other. If losing their chance at return leaves them wandering this land as immortals, they would rather have each other than loneliness.

"By the end of the night, you'll be thanking me." Hermes pats his brothers chest lightly, moving around him and to the door. Before walking out, he turns his head to meet Apollo's burning gaze and the flicker of anger in them.

"I believe we have a party to go to."

The brothers walked through the door in synchronization as they've done countless times before in their past. With a court nod to one another, they part - each to a different side of the house although Apollo tried to keep Hermes close in case his plan puts them in danger.

Y/N just walked out her room, narrowly missing Hermes who entered Blair's room which was just down the hall.

She tapped her fingertips on the banister nervously, her gaze wandering but with purpose. Even she didn't realize it, but her eyes followed her heart's orders - to find either Ethan or Grayson.

She had a way to contact Grayson - either through her window or her phone, but Ethan was harder to reach unnoticed. She'd share a look or two in the morning as they walked to classes at the same time - Ethan usually barely awake and with messy bedhead, but always ready to shoot her a lazy, crooked smile that made her cheeks burn bright.

But, sadly, he's nowhere to be seen. However, Grayson is easily located - leaning against a wall with a coy smile on his face and eyes set on her making her heart ablaze. He always has that effect on her, not once failing her.

He's only playing with you.

A voice startles Y/N, making her turn around in fright only to find she's all alone. She recognizes the voice, looming and glowering like in her dreams, but she's awake now. Or so she hopes.

Walking down the steps, her mind in a fray and her eyebrows scrunched up, Y/N's slowly losing touch with reality. Sounds around her blur, growing impossibly loud and deafening, her vision narrowing. It felt like her innards are being replaced by some kind of black hole.

"Y/N." Until hands grabbed onto her arms and shook her gently, her eyes meeting hazel swirls with golden specks of dust behind them...and her world slides into focus, his touch, his face, his voice serving as an anchor to hold her down and sane.

"You okay there?" Grayson asks, worry tangible in his voice as it is in his face, the very face she needed to avoid for the night.

"Got a bit woozy. I'm okay now. Thanks." Her polite, short answer didn't convince Grayson but he knew better than to push. Sometimes a little space goes a long way - it's basic female 101 in his mind.

"Well, if you need me..." He trails off, knowing she's aware what he means.

"Of course." She interjects gently, using the moment to slowly slide his hands away from herself for the stares of her sister have become far too obvious to ignore.

"Well, well, well." And naturally, Queen B. appears when in the worst moment possible. It's like fate is working against them.

"She was feeling ill. It would be wrong of me to leave her in such a state." Grayson defends before Blair has a chance to poison the sisters against Y/N, effectively shutting her up before she spewed the truth...Truth because he had anything but good intentions in mind. In fact, he'd love to have his way with her, especially after all the time he's spent abstaining from touching mortal women to repent for his sins.

"She shouldn't have drank so much then." But Blair finds a new reason to cling to, something else to use against her.

"A good Kappa sister never gets so drunk she needs help from a KDR."

But before she has a chance to put Y/N to shame, Sara frowns, noticing a dark cloud on the second floor and the smell hits quickly as well.

"What's that smell?" Sara voices her curious thoughts, the words leaving her mouth answered immediately when fire blows through a decorative window on the second floor in a small explosion enticing screams all around the house.

"FIRE!!"

Y/N's eyes widen, her lips parting. Her legs work faster than her brain, stumbling over her own feet and steps as she climbs up so quickly Grayson barely has a chance to react.

"Wait!" He shouts after her, staring at the billowing smoke and the fire that spreads incredibly fast as if a dragon breaths in one of the rooms.

"My mother's painting! My journal! My whole life is up there!" She insists, rushing up without noticing a paling Grayson following in her footsteps. The need to save the painting turned her brain to a mental soup of conflicting instructions. But there was a different force guiding her. A much darker, still unnoticeable force.

She blows the door wide open, snapping open her window first before returning for the painting first. Throwing it out the window, she turns to find more things to save. Smoke particles dance in on the inbound breeze. The smoke smells of kerosene, and had a strange scent of perfume through it. The smoke ss a deep, dark grey color. Intoxicating. Choking. They can feel it pull their very life away.

"What are you doing?" Grayson starts to grab her things as well, tossing them over the ledge without even realizing it. He's looking at her in disbelief, certain she's lost her mind entirely.

"Saving what I can." She mumbles, frantically grabbing her belongings still in boxes and throwing them out.

"We're going to die because you want to save your clothes?!" Grayson shouts, his throat burning from the smoke as it lingers inside, sticking like tar.

"No one asked you to come!" She faces him, no trace of the gentle soul he saw her as. Instead, he saw someone who has given up. She didn't fear death...she invited it. That's when he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Grayson crossed the bedroom in a single step, manhandling Y/N into obedience. He grabbed her arms and leaned down, getting a hold of her legs as well.

In one move, he had pulled her over his shoulder, ignoring her trashing and screaming, even more the insults she threw his way. Nothing would make him drop her now, determined to save her life and for once, he didn't know why.

He would tell himself it's because she's the last living descendant, but even he knows it's a lie. Despite all he's fought in the past, he grew to care for the girl...even crave her. Not in a sexual manner, although he wanted her in every way, but in a way where the sound of her voice was enough to make his heart flutter.

And he never had his heart flutter.

He burrowed through the door, barely escaping the raging flames as he bounced Y/N on his shoulder on the way down the stairs. Thanking every god he knows, Grayson rushed to the clear front door and outside into fresher air where he could finally put her down.

"And you're an asshole!" She finishes, red in the face from all the screaming but also dirty from the smoke. There was a steadiness to her despite her quite unsteady behavior upstairs, as if all the storms in the world were a whispering breeze if she was there. She was kind and clever, perhaps that's what drew people to her.

He liked the fire within, loved it even.

Before she had a chance to throw a second insult his way, Grayson's hand found the back of her neck, quickly pulling her up and closer until their lips touched and the words ceased. The kiss barely lasted, managing to take their breaths away in an instant, but it was long enough for Grayson's fingers to brush the star-like birthmark behind her right ear and bring him down to Earth. It only confirmed what they knew - she's the descendant and he just stole their first kiss.

Y/N surrendered to his touch, losing her senses as his lips brought her heartbeat to the speed of light. Her lips tingled, electricity sparking up throughout her body and her hands clutched to his shirt with all their might as if he could slip through her fingers like sand.

Apollo couldn't believe what he's doing, giving into his desire for her without a second thought. He'd been wondering how her rosy lips would taste, never quite sure if it would make any impact on him but from the way his hands tremble with her face in them tucked away safely, he knew he has been bested.

It took Y/N a moment to get her mind to work properly again, feeling the high of adrenaline and endorphins catching up with her and numbing her thinking, but once her mind cleared her hand left a swift, clear imprint on Grayson's face.

"Never do that without my permission again!" She sneered, turning around and running to the side of the house where her things remained, leaving a confused, but still satisfied Grayson on his own.

But he wasn't alone.

"You played dirty brother." Hermes accuses, stepping beside Apollo as his eyes set on the growing flames and the sorority house beginning to collapse.

"I got lost in the moment." Apollo excuses, clearing his throat as he folds his arms over his chest and glances at Hermes. He refuses to apologize for the kiss because it's the highlight of the century in his mind. She brought technicolor to his life and he found himself...grateful. Artemis would have liked her, he is sure. Sometimes he still thinks of his actual twin in Mount Olympus, wondering if she's watching over him or if she forgot all about him.

"Someone might think you actually care." Hermes raises a brow, turning to face Apollo with a wicked smirk on his face.

"Too bad she'll want to avoid you for that little moment you got lost in." He continues coyly, circling around his brother like Apollo is the prey and he a hunter on the prowl.

'But I'll be there to pick up the pieces ', is what Hermes really wants to say. But instead, he speaks the ominous truth.

"Which I imagine to be quite hard when the girls move in with us." And that's when it all clicks in Apollo's mind, the sirens wailing in the background. He grabs a fist full of Hermes' shirt, pulling him closer.

"What the fuck did you do?!" He speaks through gritted teeth, spit escaping him in the process and it splatters in tiny drops on Hermes' face.

"Bringing the past back to life." Hermes grabs onto Apollo's hands, pressing his own over his until the hold relents enough for Hermes to step back, his smirk never wavering.

He takes one more look at the burning house as the roof caves, the flames reflecting in his dark eyes. He raises both eyebrows, clearly proud of himself before turning on his heel and pocketing his hands confidently. He hums an ominous tune as he's walking back to the frat house: "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down" under his breath.       ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~       ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~       ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~       ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Tags: @mutuallynotmutual @lanadeldolans @xalayx @accalialionheart @gia-kerks @historyheart  @heeydolan @heyits-claire @daddygraysonsbitch   @fallinginlove-16  @lanadeldolans @beautifulfound @thearachna-kid  @dinnerwiththedolans  @graydolan12 @justanotherfangurl272 @dxlansfxck  @godlydolans @flowery-dolan

[hamilficsfordays]

New Beginning—Chapter Two: The New Normal

Disclaimer: I don’t know Lin, nor do I know any of his friends or family.

Also posted on Ao3

Summary:  Alexa is first introduced to Hamilton, in its final preview weeks.

Rating: T

Words: 2870

Askbox / Masterlist / Chapter One / Chapter Three

The next morning, the Miranda household routine continued as usual

Vanessa was up first, off to shower before work, Lin up shortly after to cater to Sebastian’s needs. The house was quiet.

“I left plenty of milk in the fridge for the day,” his wife announced, coffee in one hand, a case file in the other. “but maybe try something solid. We bought that really expensive baby food and haven’t used it yet.”

Lin nodded, accepting her instructions as she kissed both her husband and son goodbye.

“I’ll see you later. Text me if anything happens.” she glanced down the hallway at the closed door to Alexa’s room. “I do mean anything.”

“It’ll be fine,” he reassured her. “Don’t worry.” With that, he kissed her once more before nudging her towards the front door. “Have a good day at work. Go be the lawyer this city deserves.”

As the hours passed, there was still no sound from Alexa’s room. A knock at the door pulled Lin from any concerning thoughts.

A man dressed in a UPS uniform handed him a large package with his name on it, but a return address in California that he didn’t recognize.

Upon opening the package, there was a small card at the top among an array of needles, tubes, syringes and a large case of medicine.

It was Alexa’s, a month’s supply of medication to keep her immune system under control.

He cleared a shelf in the fridge, placing the case of medicine in its own space.

A quick glance at the clock on the kitchen stove revealed that it was after noon and the teenager had not left her room.

Lin figured it couldn’t hurt to knock, but when he approached the door and did just that, there was no response. Another knock, the same result. He hesitated to open it, intent on preserving her privacy, but after a third knock, the hesitation had vanished.

The room was humid, the air conditioning off despite the excruciatingly warm temperature Alexa was still asleep, curled into the fetal position with her book, open, under her arm.

From the doorway, he could see her bruises had gotten worse overnight, her skin covered in purple blotches. She was in pain, no doubt.

He headed back to the kitchen, grabbing an unopened bag of mixed vegetables from the freezer and a dish towel, before carefully placing the bag across her ribcage. She groaned, both of her eyes blinking open.

“Well at least your eye has gotten better.” he pointed out, turning the air conditioning on before sitting in the desk chair on the far side of the room. “You know it’s after noon, right?”

“It’s also summer.” she reminded him, pulling the bag and dish towel off. “This is the first time I haven’t been forced to wake up at six am in like, a year. God forbid I take advantage.”

“Leave it,” he instructed, directing to the frozen produce. “It’ll help.”

She rolled her eyes. “How would you know?” She attempted to sit up then, wincing before settling back down.

“You’re not the only one who got beat up for reading.” he admitted.

Surprised by this confession, Alexa hesitated but carefully placed the ice back over her ribcage as she slowly sat up, resting against the headboard of her bed.

“Good.” he smiled. “We’re making progress. While we’re at it, it can get really hot in here. You should probably keep the air on while you’re home.”

She could feel the beads of sweat on the back of her neck, running a hand through her hair.

“I uh,” she paused, embarrassed. “I didn’t know how to turn it on.”

“Oh,” he was taken aback by this, but quickly tried to pass it off as normal. “Yeah, they probably had central air down in Alabama. No window air conditioners in sight. He glanced around the room. “We have a remote control for this one.”

Catching sight of it on the table, he tossed it her way. “The machine itself is kind of iffy but… the remote is pretty self-explanatory.”

“Thanks, I guess.” she placed it on her bedside table.

“So… V left for work a while ago and I don’t have to leave until four… are you hungry?”

“Leave for what?” she questioned.

“I have a show tonight,” he explained. “I usually like to get there by five.”

“Y-” she paused, recalling the memories from the day before. “Aren’t you a writer?”

“Writer… actor…” he shrugged. “Sometimes it goes hand in hand.”

“You’re performing something that you wrote?”

“Just a hobby of mine.” he teased, reminding her of the harsh comment she had made the day before. “So… breakfast?”

“Um,” her eyes glanced elsewhere, embarrassment on the rise. “Can I…” her voice trailed off. Though she was conditioned growing up to believe that the arts were an impractical and unreliable career path, she couldn't help but be curious about what being a successful artist looked like.

Not as if she would ever admit it.

“What’s up?” Lin asked, sensing her hesitation.

“Nothing, nevermind.” She adjusted the frozen bag slightly on her abdomen before lying back flat on the bed.

He paused for a moment, attempting to read her body language. He knew there was a chance he’d get chewed out for asking, but spoke up anyway.

“Do you want to maybe come with me?” he offered.

“I mean, if you’re forcing me.” she stated, not meeting her eyes as if doing so would force her to express emotion.

He nodded once. If that’s what it took to get her there, he could play along.

“Alright, we’ll leave in a few hours.”

-

The Public Theatre wasn’t that big, but the set of Hamilton seemed to climb far from the stage anyway. Having worked on the production for about six years, Lin was brimming with pride to see it come to life. He brought Alexa to the stage a few hours before their call time to show off the revolving turntables that defined the entire show.

“Shit, that’s like, so un-ironically hip-hop.” she noted.

“I know.” Lin nodded, hardly able to contain his excitement as it matched her own. “That’s what they’re supposed to be.”

He hopped off the stage while Alexa stood in the spotlight, briefly examining the view from the stage. He watched her face light up, how her presence seemed to shine. There, at center stage, was the first time he’d seen her genuinely excited. He snapped a photo of her from behind, careful not to show her face. He wasted no time opening twitter.

[@Lin_Manuel: Enter stage right: @VAMNit and I’s new pride and joy. Our foster daughter, Lex]

The tweet blew up immediately, prompting Lin to turn his phone off to begin preparing for the night’s performance.

“So while you’re here, let me introduce you to the cast of this like, so un-ironically hip-hop show.”

Lin brought her through the backstage area, passing by each dressing room and introducing her to each respective cast member. First Pippa, then Jonathan, Leslie, Daveed, Renee, Oak and a few female ensemble members before they reached one of the last dressing room.

He knocked briefly before opening the door.

“Hey Jas, I want you to meet—oh.”

They both stopped in the doorway, seeing both Jasmine and Anthony in the room, on the couch, sitting rather close to one another.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was interrupting.”

“What? No.” Jasmine pulled back, straightening out her hair.

“Nah, you’re not interrupting anything.” Anthony gave a polite smile.

It wasn’t hard to pick up that they were hiding something, and the teen noticed almost immediately. Still, she said nothing.

“Okay... well guys this is, Alexa. She’s staying with me and Vanessa. I was just introducing her to everyone.”

“Nice to meet you.” they both said at the same time.

“Hey could y’all maybe keep this on the down low?” Anthony requested, putting his arm around Jasmine. “It’s kind of early and we don’t want everyone on us about this yet.”

“I won’t say anything.” she finally said, glancing up at Lin. “It’s not my place to tell. I don’t know about him though.”

“I saw nothing.” he insisted. “Your secret is safe with me.”

When it came time for curtain, Lin had someone escort her to a seat in the middle of the third row. As the other seats started filling in, she was on her phone, watching the notes on Lin’s twitter post grow by the second. Most of them strangers, but occasionally the rare celebrity or a major news outlet would like or retweet it. She made a mental note to tell him not to ever reveal her identity on his twitter. The last thing she wanted was a slew of attention from strangers.

It’s not like she did anything to deserve it.

As the curtain raised and the music started, Alexa realized she didn’t know much about Alexander Hamilton, but as a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, she found him rather relatable.

There was applause when her father stepped into the spotlight for the first time, causing her to slowly sink down into her seat.

Having a foster parent that was even kind of notable was a new experience. It wasn’t a huge deal (it wasn’t as if they were on Broadway), but as the writer, composer, lyricist, and star of this show that appeared to be sold out, he’d be the first parent of hers who had any results come up during a google search of their name. A result that wasn’t a criminal record.

Still, the notion that she lived with someone that might get recognized on the street made her pretty uncomfortable.

She let the thought go, settling into the production.

The audience remained engaged over the three-hour production, laughing and crying respectively. It wasn’t until the final song that emotions began to run high towards the middle of the third row.

Company, except Eliza: The orphanage.

Eliza: I established the first private orphanage in New York City.

Company, except Eliza: The orphanage.

Alexa could feel her heart speed up as she heard the words for the first time. She could feel tears forming in her eyes as the song progressed, a sob eventually escaping.

At the end, the cast proceeded through their curtain call, lining up across the stage. The audience was on their feet, Alexa in tears as she stood, applauding furiously.

As she headed backstage, she made a beeline for Lin’s dressing room. He was having a conversation with the conductor for the show, when she hugged him, unannounced.

He hugged back, attempting to mask his surprise.

Alex could see how pleased his friend was. “Hey, I’ll just call you in the morning. Great job, man.”

“Yeah, you too.” Lin smiled, waving goodbye to his friend before turning his attention back to his daughter.

“Lex, are you crying?”

“I just… I wasn’t expecting that. I’m usually really good with history; I need to brush up.”

He hugged her tighter, kissing the top of her head. “It’s okay to feel emotional, it’s a really emotional show.”

“I’m not emotional.” she finally said, pulling away, wiping tears from her eyes. “I just wasn’t expecting it is all.”

“You don’t have to feel ashamed for having emotions.” He reminded her.

“I’m not.” she insisted a third time. “Not emotional, I mean. I’m fine.”

“Okay…” He knew bringing it up a fourth time would probably get her more irate than upset. He decided it best to just drop the subject. “Just give me a second to get my street clothes back on and we can take a cab home.”

“Okay,” she nodded, stepping out into the hallway. She turned to closed the door but hesitated before doing so.

“Hey, Lin?”

He turned his cell phone on, glancing up at her. “What’s up?”

“Thanks for taking me. I uh… I learned a lot. About the arts,” she paused. “And Hamilton.”

He nodded, reassuring her that he knew what she was trying to say. “I hope I at least opened your mind to other possibilities.”

She could admit that the idea of being a successful artist didn’t seem as impossible having seen it being done. A fact that she thought would be best to keep to herself.

“I’ll wait for you outside,” she confirmed, closing the door behind her.

-

As the summer went on, her creative break out slowly began. She would sit in the house of the Richard Rodgers Theatre in early July with her MacBook, slaving away on pieces that Lin would only catch glimpses during their twelve-hour tech rehearsals. Happy to see her productive, he wanted to encourage her even further.

“Hey Gen,” he caught her attention one afternoon during a five-minute tech rehearsal break.

She glanced up from her computer, giving him a confused look.

“Did you just call me Gen?”

“Yeah.”

“Like… Gene Kelly you musical freak?” she teased.

“You—” he paused, surprised at her words. “How do you know who Gene Kelly is?”

“How would I not know?” she shot back as if it was obvious.

“I mean…” he struggled to think of an explanation.

“I was in middle school chorus,” she explained. “My teacher liked playing older movie musicals on slower days. She was a big Singing in the Rain fan. We think she had a thing for Gene Kelly.”

“Oh.” He shrugged. “I mean it’s one of my favorite movie musicals, so I get it.”

“So Gen doesn’t mean Gene Kelly?” she confirmed.

“It’s short for genius,” he explained, sitting in the chair beside her. He glanced at the screen, eagerly following the words on the page. “What are you working on?”

She slapped the computer shut then. “It’s not ready yet.”

“You know, I would show my early work to family and friends all the time. It’s a great way to get feedback. It’s how Hamilton came to be.”

She sighed, her hands covering her face. “It’s not worth the attention.”

“Part of being an artist is being confident in your work.” he pointed out. “If you don’t think it’s worth the attention, it’s going to show.”

She shrugged, staring down at her closed laptop. “I don’t know.”

“How about this?” he offered. “You show me some of your work, I’ll show you some of my work. Unfinished, just like yours. You’d be surprised how long the writing process takes before it makes it to Broadway.”

“Or, you could see something I wrote and let me go to opening night,” she suggested, smiling. “I know you guys set a date for the first week of August, and I—”

“Lex,” he started, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?” her smile had faded completely, she was obviously upset with him.

“Listen, you’re free to see the show to any day after that, I just don’t think opening night is the best idea.”

“But why? You’re always saying you want to expose me to the arts more—”

“Yeah, by taking you to the Met, not opening night.”

Alexa didn’t respond, only glared at him.

“There’s going to be a lot of celebrities and cameras there and I’m not sure we’re ready to have you put in the spotlight like that.”

“I can avoid cameras.” she insisted. “I do it all the time.”

“Not to mention, during the after party, it’s just going to be you in a sea of drunk adults.”

“So?”

“So that’s not the best place for a sixteen-year old to be.”

She sighed, crossing her arms. “I’ve been around way too many drunk adults to be upset by them at this point.”

“V and I were going to hire a sitter that night.” he informed her.

“I’m sixteen, I don’t need a sitter.”

Lin sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Lex I don’t feel comfortable with you being there. You can stay home with Sebastian and the sitter. I’m sorry, but that’s my only offer.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ll be sure to get plenty of writing done that night. Not that you’ll ever see any of it.”

“Okay everyone, back to places!”

The stage manager called for everyone to return from their break. Lin attempted to kiss the top of her head only to have her pull away before promptly returning to the stage.

Alexa opened her laptop, pressing on with her work,

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #55

whoa.  random surge in followers overnight.  uh.  hi.  i’m here to disappoint.

have you stayed up past 3 in the morning this week? yeah. chels and i were up two nights later than that because we couldn't sleep. the last person you spoke to, do you know their eye color? mom, they're brown. do you own a trench coat? i wish. they're cool. are you currently in a smoking environment? no, you're not allowed to smoke in my house. have you ever been afraid to call someone, even if you knew them well? i'm afraid to call anyone who isn't my mom. the last person who texted you, have you ever fought with them? yeah. i'm two seconds from fighting with her right now because she knows exactly how to be an ignorant bitch. are you scared of anything irrational?  is pregnancy an irrational fear? how about whale sharks? can you do a cartwheel?  nope. never have been able to. do you watch the super bowl just for the commercials? i don't watch the super bowl period. the only time i ever did was on my 16th birthday because i was at jason's house and the giants were playing, his dad's favorite team, and the whole family was over. first time i kissed jason on the cheek was when they won. how often is it that you make a post on any sort of social media, and then delete it soon after? why? i've actually never done that. have your ideas and expectations about adulthood changed as you’ve gotten older? of course. i didn't believe it would have anything to do with being a crumbling piece of shit. i thought i would be fearless, responsible, and just overall prepared. have you ever taken time off to focus on your mental health? are you the type of person that is able to take a break or are you more likely to bury yourself in responsibility? i mean i guess i have, since i've committed myself to a mental hospital more than once? and i really do a mix of both... just depends. do you have a different group of friends on a site besides this one?  i have no tumblr friends, i have one rp bd, i have a number on deviantart... if you are or were in college, when you share your major with people how do they usually react? if you are not in college, how do you explain your job situation to others and what is their reaction? it's usually an "oh, that's cool." nothing cool. when you watch competition shows, do you feel an automatic support for a competitor who’s from your state or region? i mean, mildly i guess. do you think it is possible that eventually humans will create enough technology to completely or nearly completely automate work and free up people to a new experience of social relations without “jobs” as we know them today?  one day, sure. do you enjoy taking selfies and do you enjoy looking at other people’s selfies? if i feel i look pretty, sure. and yeah, bc i feel happy that they took a picture of themselves that makes them feel gorgeous. are there any songs that you enjoy, but the lyrics are problematic/downright offensive? what about films with shady directors or plot points? how do you negotiate liking art or artists that represent offensive ideas or that have problematic politics? the song that immediately comes to mind is "bitches" by hollywood undead. i DO NOT know why i like it, but i do. as far as liking artists go, it doesn't affect whether or not i'll enjoy them. it's just expression, the way i see it. what is your opinion of protest marches? what about different tactics taken by activists such as boycotts, shutting down highways, sit-ins, and even blockades of trade ships? what do you think is the best method to actually enact change? i have no problem with protests, but i'm more iffy when it interferes daily activities, like if you do shut down a highway. i think the best way to enact change is by exposing a person to the issue, but sometimes that isn't enough, anyway. do you believe in parallel universes or infinite possibilities or do you tend to believe that what we see and know now is pretty much it? no, i don't believe in parallel universes. what if you died in your sleep tonight? maybe it'd be a good thing, honestly. have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? more than once. are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over? i'm certain. name one person you wish you could fix things with? jason, period. when was the last time you completely broke down? not even an hour ago. colleen pissed me off beyond belief. have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem? i mean, i've drunk to forget about them for a while, but not to solve them. what are you listening to right now? sleeping with sirens' cover of "iris" has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? not pretty enough to keep him around. what do you think of therapists? i've seen no less than ten, and for the most part, they want money and to shove medicine down your fucking throat. would you ever go to a sperm bank to get pregnant? no. i really don't know how i feel about artificial insemination. if a little kid walked up to you and asked, “are you goth?”, how would you respond? "maybe." does it annoy you when people say their heart is “broken”?  no, because heartbreak is a very valid, serious emotion. why aren’t you talking to the last person you kissed? because he fucking hates me and i'm pretty sure i'm one word from a restraining order, survey maker. are you mad at someone right now? pretty sure i'm eternally stuck in a mad state towards jason's girlfriend ashley. because i'm a child. has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you? hm. funny. he's not here anymore. has a laptop ever burned your legs?  so bad that my stretch marks there are burned into the flesh, yes. when at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap?  nope. do you want to be friends with your recent ex? if he's with anyone but me, as selfish as that sounds? no. i'd rather die. what did you hate most about your last relationship? i "hated" nothing about it. do you understand the true meaning of “loving someone so much it hurts”? hello, darkness, my old friend. i know it too well, and am experiencing it now. i have a terrible headache and feel sick to my stomach. has true love had a way of showing you that it can conquer anything? no, because it can't. sorry to crush your fairytale. did you ever play frogger when you were a kid? fuck yeah. i could only ever beat the first level tho lmao. do you love deep? too deep. can you ever see yourself and your ex back together? yes, easily. the only problem being is i'm well aware i'd have MASSIVE trust issues for a while. what's your favorite vegetable? broccoli, i guess. where would you like to be in 5 years? with a job. with someone i sincerely love. what was the experience that impacted you the most in your life? jason leaving me. it, literally, scarred me for life. would you be with someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you? depends on the beliefs that vary. ex., i will date someone of a different religion (depends on the religion though, really), but to be totally honest, i wouldn't date someone who was, like, pro-choice. it really depends on the belief, because your beliefs portray important, certain parts of you. what did your last relationship teach you? that literally anyone will hurt you. what do you think of online dating? i honestly don't know. i don't think it's for me personally, even tho i'm on one... do you like someone you’re interested in to pursue you or do you prefer to do the chasing? what do i prefer? both. but guess who's the only one doing the chasing in this scenario... do you think confessions make a relationship stronger? i mean it has a potential to ruin them, but at the same time, if you're with the right person, it'll only make yours stronger. would you relocate for love? for a new relationship? no. for a long-term partner? yeah. have you seen the person you love/like recently? how is he/she doing? no, and i don't fucking know. what color is your jewelry box?  oh no... sigh. my jewelry box is black with gold trimming. it's very intricate and beautiful. jason got it for me one christmas. can you solve a rubik’s cube? nope. have you ever watched porn?  no, and i don't plan on it. have you ever sleep walked? no. what would you want to be written on your tombstone? maybe "she joined the black parade"??? lol i saw it on pinterest once and loved it. would love to incorporate my taste of music on my tombstone. mom wants "my body lies, but still i roam" from "wherever i may roam" by metallica on hers. do you like carrots? noooo. have you ever worn lingerie?  no. what is your favorite profanity? "fuck," because there's usually so much emotion behind the word. have you ever masturbated?  no, the idea's just... really gross. i don't care how clean i am. would you rather be hated or forgotten? i know what it's like to be forgotten. i'd rather be hated. spit or swallow?  ... i'm going to just go along with this and let my mind be dirty like you want it to, and say it's not going in my mouth to begin with, sorry. what was your first rated r movie? "scary movie," i think. who was your favorite musician as a kid? do you still like them now?  i think my first true favorite band was green day, and yes, i still love them. have you ever gotten ‘bullied’ over social media? was it anonymous or not?  not via social media, but rather on a forum. it was not anonymous. if you could get a piercing anywhere, and not have to worry about it healing, where would you get one?  my favorite piercing overall is a labret lip piercing, so i guess that. i'd get my back dermals pierced if i didn't have to worry about the possibility of them ripping out. if you could only have one type of sex for the rest of your life, would you choose anal, vaginal, or oral?  anal grosses me out, oral grosses me out, so vaginal. who or what do you love unconditionally?  jason, my mom... what is something you have done that you’re proud of?  many small things, really. what’s your blood type? a what was the last thing you giffed?  i've never managed to make a proper gif when you go out to breakfast, what do you order? pancakes, eggs, bacon or sausage is there a phrase or mantra you repeat when you are frightened? in some cases, i tend to whisper, "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." have you ever worked at the same place as your best friend? no. what’s your favorite pet name someone calls you? "love." it's so sincere and sweet. would you give mouth to mouth to your dog to save its life? duh. have you ever had a pet destroy something valuable or important? yup. ever had a feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? i knew jason was leaving me like a week before it happened. kept asking him if he was going to leave me, he kept saying no. fucking liar. what do you check out first when you check someone out? i don't really check people out. it's lustful. i mean i may see someone i think is attractive, but my eyes don't linger. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? no, honestly. i'm not a baby. i'm a woman. do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships? if you're not tight on money, i guess i do. it shows you're serious. but like i just mentioned, if you're not very blessed financially, just stick with the engagement and wedding rings. can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? no. why were you last frustrated? now. my best friend is ridiculously close-minded. how much have you changed in the last year or so? i've only gotten more and more depressed. do you have a favorite name? what is it? yeah, alessandra. what was your favorite disney movie as a kid? is it still your favorite? the lion king, and i think so. or finding nemo. when did you first start using the internet often? idk what age, but i know it was when i got into neopets. have you ever been told your aspirations are unrealistic? yes, actually. have you ever been called vain? do you agree with them? no. do you believe prayer really works? you know, i don't really know. don't get me wrong, i'm a christian, but i have prayed enough, and it hasn't done jackshit. ever dated someone you were best friends with first?  i'm not sure i would've called him my "best" friend, no. last person to take off your pants, besides you? jason. think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? too. many. times. what’s something you really want right now, be honest?  i want jason, honest to god. who was the last person to yell at you? colleen, i think. what motivates you to go to school? i really shouldn't answer this right now... have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? already far out of it. does your animal sleep with you? no, mom doesn't let him, because he's old and has accidents. do you own a robe? no. i found a bat one on pinterest tho that i really want. do you bathe your pets regularly? not as often as i should, to be fair. i try to give him a bath once a month. do you own any Batman movies? no, despite really liking the dark knight and the dark knight rises. i'll never be able to own them, because jason loooves batman. thus, ptsd trigger. do you believe vampires are real? no. are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? i... honestly do. this didn't start up until jason left, and after thinking through it, i realized i do this because by him leaving, a part of me feels like all my interests were like, de-validated or something, like it made them so they were "wrong" and "unlikable?" i mean i even do this to my best friend. she doesn't know half the shit i enjoy. do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? you mean they don't do that anymore?! when was the last time you babysat, if ever? did anything bad happen? YEARS ago for my neighbor. nothing bad happened, but she did run around naked when i was changing her diaper lmao. do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? or is that weird? NONONOONOONO TOO SHY how many people have you kissed in your lifetime so far? who were they? romantically, i've only ever kissed jason. do you know anyone named alyssa? if so, elaborate. yes. old forum rp partner. still a decent friend. she's probably markiplier's biggest fan and even has a warfstache tattoo. i worry about her occasionally, though, from some of her facebook posts. would you ever take a pole dancing class? hmmm. i wouldn't rule it out completely, because i really appreciate dancing, but realistically, no, i don't think i would. especially at my weight. when is the last time you pulled an "all nighter" (where you stay awake the entire night to the next day)? what was the reason you did so, and was it worth it? the last time i stayed up purely all night was when "world of warcraft: legion" released, so that was uh, september i think? to be totally honest, i did it mostly out of nostalgia; when "wow: warlords of draenor" released, back when jason and i were still together, we stayed up all night for that, too. i mean, i guess it was worth it. that game was once very important to me. what is one life experience most people around you seem to have had that you haven't (marriage, kids, work-related, etc)? conversely, what is one life experience you've had that most people around you haven't? at my age, definitely sex. people are so surprised when i reveal my virginity. one life experience i've had that most haven't is just living with a mental illness. do you give pets or animals silly nicknames? what's the funniest or most embarrassing nickname you've given an animal? i'll call teddy a variety of things... "teddy-boo," "my boo," etc. name something you consider to be completely unforgivable, no matter what the circumstances. why is it so egregious to you? what should happen to someone who does it? rape. there is literally no reason to do it, that's why it pisses me off so much, and it's beyond degrading to the victim. honestly? i almost support the death penalty when it comes to rape. if you were exiled, what country would you choose as your new home? canada or germany, i guess. i'd prefer germany, but if i really wanna be in an english-speaking land, then canada. what's the last time that you were really happy? what were you doing? who were you with? what made that time so special? i would say when i was drunk a few days back, but i dunno if you'd consider that true happiness. are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit? yeah. i'm not skinny, so. who were the last people you saw besides from family? chelsea do you only wish the best for your ex? you want the honest truth? i don't know what i wish for him if i'm not going to be with him. i guess if i really thought about it, i don't, considering i don't want him to marry or have kids with anyone but me. all other things though, i mean yes, i wish him the world. do you think that once people get married, they eventually fall “out of love?” no! have you ever been called a tease? teehee. when was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry? new year's when chelsea showed me this video meme related to jimmy neutron. i was tipsy though and normally wouldn't have laughed that hard. have you ever been stalked? no. which band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? hmm. otep, i guess. the last person you kissed, were they a good kisser? he's italian, baby. do you throw things when you’re angry? no. do you hit things when you’re angry?  i've punched my headrest before. are you missing school yet?   literally the only thing i miss about it is jason. your ex calls wanting to hang out. what do you say?   ever seen a woman fangirl?  because that's what you'd see.  anyway, i'd try to be really calm and say, "of course!" would you get back with your last ex if they asked you?   fucking YES, if he apologized to me for all that happened and i believed he truly meant it. do you want someone dead?   ... yeah. are you the one that normally makes the first move?   with my history, i guess i kinda am. when was the last time you sang along with a song? which one was it?   i believe it was earlier today when i played "this is gospel" by p!atd what’s your favorite type of cake?   red velvet where did your first kiss take place?   jason's bed can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you?   my mom comes with me how long is your average shower?   like eight minutes do you like pineapple on pizza?   no. do you want a tattoo?   i have a pinterest board of about 100 ideas i'm highly considering, lmao. what posters do you have in your room?   in my current room, i only have one; it has a unicorn seeing a therapist that's saying "you need to believe in yourself." my old/real room, i have uhh... metallica, marilyn manson, various silent hill, illidan, and other posters. what was your elementary school’s mascot?   bulldog what was the last job you applied for?   i don't know.  i did a mass application months ago. do you use your turn signals when you’re driving?   of course. how tall is the last person you kissed?   5'9'', i think. are you wasting your time on the person you like?   i'm sure i am. have you ever watched a movie in another language?   not a full movie, no. are you afraid to answer sexual questions?   not really. what is your favorite type of cat?   ummm i love persians, sphynxes, and fuck i'm forgetting one... do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? why or why not?   no, and honest to god, fuck you if you've got a problem with it.  GUESS WHAT BOOBS ARE FOR???  FEEDING HER OFFSPRING!  sorry to sound so volatile, but holy fuck i'm passionate about this. name one of your ex’s mother’s names?   virginia.  i miss her.  a lot. have you ever been prescribed narcotics?   xanax, yes.  i'm going to talk to my doctor about putting me back on it, because it actually fucking worked.  i was taken off of it because it was a narcotic. have you ever had a concussion?   yeah.  i passed out in my shower and banged my chin against the floor, leaving a deep gash. is there an animal that you’re afraid of?   WHALE SHARKS, maggots, some spiders. what is your favorite eeveelution (evolution of the pokemon eevee)?   OHHHH GOD DON'T EVEN.  lmao honestly i'm tied between espeon and umbreon, i really love them both, but i guess if it was like choose or die, i really like espeon.  she's so majestic.  out of the original three, i like vaporeon the most. which part of your state/province do you live in[upper,lower,middle]?   eastern, like two hours from the beach. do you chew on your hair?   ew, no. do you eat more home cooked meals or more ‘quick n easy’ type of foods?   quick 'n easy, i guess.  like mom will usually buy pre-packaged hot dogs, chicken nuggets, ground beef for hamburgers, etc. do you eat even when you’re not hungry?   i wouldn't be overweight otherwise.  in my defense, it's because of my depression.  i feel so fucking empty and i confuse it with hunger. do you go insane without music?   i mean, not really.  don't get me wrong, i love music, but i don't go insane if i'm not listening to it for a while. is there an upcoming concert you want to go to?   carolina rebellion, yes.  cr is where TONS of rock and metal bands play at the same concert over the course of a few days.  korn's coming to this one, who i'm really keen on seeing. is technology outsmarting humans?   in some ways, certainly. how often do you use mouthwash?   like never, but i wish we had some. what is your favorite musical?   i don't like musicals, honestly. do you like the smell of burning leaves?   noooo. do you tend to laugh when people get hurt, even when it’s serious?   if i think it was serious, i never laugh, i honestly gasp and panic, but if you just like, trip, i admit, i'll laugh if i know you, but i'll still ask if you're okay. are you procrastinating something right now?   kinda. have you tried those new banana creme oreos?   no, sounds gross.  i usually hate banana-flavored stuff. when was the last time you went out of state?   last summer for ashley and nick's wedding.  we drove just barely into virginia.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #47 (16.04.2017) (26.04.2017)

Sunday 16th April - 10:57 a.m.

It’s quiet and my love is fast asleep. He had a hard night last night, found himself in an expectedly troubled state of mind, triggered by reminders of a turbulent past. I saw that it was tough on him, and worried about him in his red-eyed silence, but thankfully the night was salvaged by good music and quite a bit of alcohol. Perhaps a burger and some chips also played a role here, though it was not as meaty a role as was held by the drinks.

I wasn’t entirely myself last night either, because our company consisted of people that he had history with, and that I had only ever heard of in passing. Meeting them was a big deal for me, even though it wasn’t a night of much significance for him.

Wednesday 26th April - 3:03 p.m.

Ten days exactly has passed and I’m right back here at Evan’s, well most of me is. We had a cycling accident on the 21st, last Friday. I was the only one who got hurt, thankfully, because it was really mostly my fault. There was a roadworks sign in the bike lane somewhere in Reservoir, and Evan saw it and started to slow down. He was in front of me. I saw it too, checked behind myself to see if there were cars coming, saw there was one, and tried slowing down too, but not fast enough. It was raining a lot as well, and so when I inevitably hit the back of him, I fell and skidded on my face. I busted my lip and chin, chipped my two front teeth, and grazed my knee quite badly. Living has been a bit of a struggle since, but hopefully it’ll all be clearing up soon. My teeth are incredibly sensitive right now, and eating is a bit of a struggle. I just had pancakes for breakfast with Evan and it took twice as long for me to get through them than it otherwise would’ve. And my face is still badly scabbed, on my upper lip and on my chin. It’s getting less painful by the day but it’s still rather torturous. I had a nasty fever on Sunday morning, after getting all my dental work done on Saturday. I was nauseous for three or so hours, from 7 a.m. till about 10 a.m., and Evan stayed with me the entire time. He watched me puke. He made sure that I kept eating, because I was half-starving myself since the accident happened. It’s been an ordeal, and I’ve been fighting back a depression, I think. It seems easier when he’s around. He stayed with me from Friday till Monday afternoon. I was then alone from Monday night till Tuesday night, and most of Tuesday was difficult. I barely slept on Monday night.

I am mourning my perfect teeth, because I did have perfect teeth. And I never took them for granted either. I brushed vigorously twice a day or so, and I regarded anything happening to my teeth as one of my worst fears. And now it’s happened. Mundell asked if maybe that was a good thing, that I experienced one of my worst fears. I can understand how facing one of my worst fears can make me a better person, a stronger person through the experience. I also feel like maybe I bring this all upon myself. I ask the world to deal me a hard hand so that I can see what it’s all like: so that I can experience everything and say that I’ve lived a life well-lived, well-full of it all.

Last night, Evan was talking to me about the future, but in very bleak terms. He was talking about the ends of our lives, in relation to the ends of our past lives. He’s convinced that we might’ve died four days apart, because we were born four days apart in this one. But he also said that he believed we were able to fall in love so quickly because we were simply continuing from where we had left off, when our souls were connected to other bodies. We found each other again and said to ourselves that it was time to get right back to it, time to get right back to being with one another. I thought that was an interesting idea, the fact that the energy between us could be strong enough to transcend the physical form, but it definitely explains how we were so in sync from the get-go.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written here, and I feel a little iffy about writing again today knowing that I probably won’t be maintaining this as a daily thing. Uni’s just been so demanding, and I’m too tired, especially now. I just felt like this would be a little therapeutic too, and lord knows I need that right now. Thankfully, I haven’t lost the entire ‘stream of consciousness’ side of this, because I have been typing rather quickly, I’ve noticed. It’s 3:17 p.m., and I’m already maybe halfway through my second page. Granted, I did have a little entry from ten days ago that I haven’t the heart to delete, because I still remember that moment. It was so quiet and still, and dark. I was behind Evan’s couch, just kneeling on the floor, typing and being very aware of the sound of my typing. I didn’t want to wake him. I love him quite a lot, it seems.

I let him read my entries from the 14th and the 22nd of January, after the night we met and our first date respectively. I couldn’t believe I’d let him do that. He also knows the URL of this blog, which I feel may or may not influence the way I write from here on out, but he promised me that he wouldn’t abuse that knowledge and that he wouldn’t read any entries I didn’t want him reading. I believe that he won’t. I really do. So I don’t think I’ll change the  URL. But there are things that I haven’t told him about Ikaros, and these are things that I don’t think he has any interest in knowing anyway. I just feel like if he were to read them, he may feel hurt I didn’t tell him, even though they are of no relevance. Ikaros is entirely in the past. He messaged me yesterday, mostly because I’d made a post on Facebook about my cycling accident, but he also said something unnecessarily cryptic that pissed me off. He wants me to be thinking about him, I think. He said that a while back, I asked him a question which he happily answered, but he’d recently been thinking about that question again and feels like the question I asked had a second hidden question whose answer was given through the answer he had given me for the first question: an implied answer, in the subtext of that conversation. He said it was the kind of thing we’d need to talk about in person, but I don’t really care about it enough to be curious. I’m just a little mad that he even attempted to make me curious about it. I’m mad that he wants me to be wasting my time thinking about dead scenarios, ghosts of conversations that we’ve had, like I have the mental energy to waste on that.

I’m going to take a break, return to this when I feel the time is right, which will be very soon I think. And if not, then I’ll just wrap it up here. I want to be writing creatively, but my mind is too full and I’m too plagued with all the bullshit that’s been happening lately. I’m worrying about too much and I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. And as soon as I can write away all those inhibitions, I’m not going to attempt any more poignant, elegant works. I just want to be raw and unrefined for a while, because I feel like I’ve earned that right with all this focus on propriety that school inspires within me. It’s exhausting.

I’m back. Evan is cutting Daniel’s hair right now, and we were just playing Uncharted 2 before he turned up. I’m very self-conscious about my face right now, because I know it’s still looking rather hideous, because of the injuries. My scabs in particular are giving me a lot of grief, not just because it’s gotten insanely difficult washing my face, alongside the rest of my body too because of this bloody knee. My graze was healing up pretty well until I had a shower last night and now it’s gone back to feeling pretty stiff. It’s very hard, and I’m hesitant to wash it again because of what happened last time. Thankfully, because of the ANZAC Day Holiday on Tuesday, I haven’t had to go to school this week either. I feel like I’ll have to go in tomorrow though, for my journalism class only hopefully. I could easily skip it though, and back it up with a medical certificate, but I just don’t want to waste my last sick day for that subject in Week 8 knowing that I’ll have to make that 9 a.m. start four times over until the end of the semester. Goodness, a month left of this semester and then exams. And I’ll have one more semester till my graduation, if I don’t go for my honours. Should I go for my honours? I’ve been on the fence about it since January, really. I don’t know if I should bother with that last year of my a bachelor’s degree with honours, when I can just get my bachelor’s degree and have it over with. I still don’t know if my bachelor’s degree is going to be worth anything anyway, I mean it’s currently worth -$30,000 or so, just because of my bloody student fees. Lord knows if I’ll ever break even on that in my field. But honestly, I couldn’t see myself studying anything else, even though I’ve gotten so into my geography/environmental studies subjects. I wouldn’t ever see myself as a landscape management major in the environments degree, but I could potentially see myself double-majoring in creative writing and geography. I don’t know if I have the credit points to apply for a double major now, in the final year of my degree. I have done a surprising amount of geography subjects, so maybe? The School of Geography have been sending me a whole bunch of emails but I feel like they’ve all been automatically sent to students who achieved high marks in subjects regardless of their course structure. I feel like I can definitely do a few more geography subjects around my creative writing subjects. My creative writing subjects don’t even feel vital enough to form a major, if I can be candid. It all feels like such a bludge. Add the disappointment and limitations of Writing Journalism to all of that, and I feel like all my interests have been failed to be taught at this university. Nobody learns how to write creatively. You just do it. I’ve attempted to learn how to write creatively and it’s resulted in me feeling alienated from even my own writing. It’s been an intense process, having to consider my passion as a discipline. Sometimes I feel like this may not even be worthwhile by the end of it. Sometimes I feel like I’ll have more luck and more job satisfaction if I were to pursue the opportunities presented to me by my geography subjects. Who knows at this point. But I think I’ll regret it if I don’t at least see if I can apply for a double major. I just don’t know how I’d go about it.

These pages have already worked their magic on me, it seems, even after I’ve failed to do them for so long. Here I am, writing about something that’s unknowingly been plaguing me for quite some time. I have to get this sorted. I just don’t know how. But that shouldn’t stop me, I know it shouldn’t. I have to get this sorted.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #20 (26.01.2017)

Thursday 26th Jan - 9:30 a.m.

Happy Invasion Day! It’s interesting to see which of my white-Australian friends refer to today as ‘Australia Day’ and which refer to it as it’s perhaps rightful term. I am a little ashamed though, I have to admit, because the City of Whittlesea has the most fantastic fireworks show every Australia Day, and my family have always attended it. Actually, I haven’t attended it for the past two or three years now, because this time last year I was camping in Robinvale with Ikaros, and the year before that I was in Sri Lanka. And the year before that I was in high school, starting year twelve and I was depressed as all hell and rarely left the house. If I were to go this year, it would be the end of that streak, but I would also be rewarded by a superb fireworks display. Ah, I think I might boycott the display today.

Marcus is also hosting Inkblot’s Housewarming for the opening of their new creative space in Coburg. That starts at 2 p.m., and I honestly don’t know if I’ll go yet. I think I might, but it’s 9:34 a.m. now and I am yet to wash, brush, eat, or clean the apartment or anything. And considering that this is my last day off before my show runs, I desperately need today to get Emily’s place in order for her before she gets back. It’s honestly all looking a pretty decent shape right now, really. I just need to vac again, clean the litter boxes, maybe scrub down the bathtub and remove all my drain hair. Maybe mop the kitchen a little. And I should strip the bed down and put my towel and my used sheets in a hamper for her. I just don’t think I’ll have time to wash them on my own, I hope she doesn’t mind. To make up for that, I think I might buy her a bottle of wine and those affogato ice creams I saw in the freezer when I moved in. Okay, there was one affogato ice cream and I ate it! Because there was only one! Actually, just the wine should be fine, right?

I was supposed to go out last night too. See, I started this year saying that I would seize all opportunities, but this week alone I didn’t go to the writer’s meetup in Brunswick, dinner with my family and Hashini akka’s family in the city, and now I might even bail on Marcus. To be honest with you, I think I might still be a little shaken from the sexual assault. It was nearly two weeks ago now, but I don’t know, I’m still sick and I’ve been exhausted lately. And my period is still late. That’s another thing I need to tell you about: yesterday I did my first ever home pregnancy test. I called Ikaros up a little after five, after my rehearsal, and told him I felt weird all of yesterday and that I think it would be best to do a pregnancy test. He agreed, and said he would be right over. I met him at Northcote station at 6:30 p.m. on the dot (he had just come back from the gym so he wanted to shower and stuff first, which is understandable because he works out very hard), and then we went to Chemist’s Warehouse and bought two different tests. We ran back to the apartment (briskly walked) because I really needed to pee (in preparation for the tests), and I immediately sat on the toilet and held that little stick midstream. We then waited for three minutes, talking about the possibility of us potentially having kids someday.

A couple of months back, we agreed that despite not liking the idea of procreating in general, the idea of procreating with EACH OTHER was somewhat more desirable. We thought the combination of our genes would be ace. And we still do. We made up this fictional future where I end up marrying a gay Spanish poet named Carlos for my parents’ sake, and then end up living with Carlos and Ikaros and some other people. Carlos never screws me and I spend all my sexual energy on Ikaros and end up carrying his babies, and we pass the babies off as Carlos’ babies to my parents. THAT IS until one of the little things comes out with a head full of ginger hair (Ikaros hopes), and gives Ikaros away as the real baby daddy. And my parents just grow to accept that I love him. I don’t know, he might be my real love. He might not be. But I’m open to whatever the universe has in store for me, and for us. And for Carlos.

I took another pregnancy test this morning, at around 6:30 a.m., and that one also came back negative like the first one. They both came back negative right away, really. The rectangle had a purple line through it, but the circle had no pink line. Verdict: not pregnant.

It was an interesting experience, though. The anxiety I felt the hours before was almost debilitating. I realised my fears during the tech run we had yesterday afternoon. It was four hours long and I had to pee twice and I thought that was odd. Then I spent most of my time backstage, which was very dusty and cold and triggered a few coughing fits in me. Then I started to feel light-headed and dizzy, very scarily out of it, and that’s when I started looking back on all my weird symptoms these past two weeks, and realised that I was very afraid. The way home from the chemist, I was telling Ikaros that I wasn’t ready to have an abortion. It’s not like I’m ready to have a baby either, but funnily enough, I felt more terrified at the prospect of getting an abortion than I was about getting pregnant. I think it’s because once you see a positive test at my age, your only responsible next step IS an abortion, and preparation for that procedure becomes your reality. Thankfully, it did not become my reality yesterday.

It’s 9:56 a.m.. I took a little break from writing to clean my ears out. They tend to get blocked up during a cold, and during humidity, and because it’s summer and I’m sick they have been rather blocked up lately. At least I’m not making it worse by listening to music, because my earphones were totalled on Tuesday! But I will say that I’ve been speeding through these pages lately, like the first couple of weeks it took me a good hour or so to get all three pages down, and here I am now at the bottom of page two in just a half hour. I think I know why too.

Despite the fact that I both love and miss him immensely right now, I think breaking up with Ikaros was the best thing for both of us. I think it’s actually even opened me up a little more, creatively speaking. I said this before, but before the break up I had to write hard truths about him and it was tricky to put myself in that kind of state of mind first thing every morning, because I hadn’t been honest with him. And what good is it being honest with myself about some other person, when I’m not addressing that other person and thus that honesty travels nowhere? These next couple of months are going to be difficult, I recognise that now. In fact, I recognised that in late October of last year. But I have to bear in mind, that it could’ve been a lot more difficult. We are essentially taking the healthiest steps we can take here. We are being incredibly smart about this breakup, to the point that it only feels like a breakup because we’ve called it that. If anything, it feels less like a breakup and more like making a new lifelong friend. We’re going to Gong De Lin on Sunday, and he also said he wanted to go and see the new M. Night Shyamalan film, ‘Split’. I’m a little iffy about Split, to be honest with you, because it seems to trivialise a real mental illness (multiple personality disorder) and then demonises it, turns it into a malevolent disease. Ikaros said he’d pay though.

I need a job! I am going to keep looking the SECOND I’m back in Mill Park. I’m going to print out a whole bunch of resumes on Sunday or Monday morning, head into the city and walk up and down Faraday Street as I’ve been meaning to do. If I can get a hospitality gig that close to uni, it would honestly make my year already. And I’m graduating this year! OH SHIT ANOTHER THING. I totally forgot to mention this and I find it ludicrous (great rapper) that I did, because it was such a big deal for me when I read about it on Tuesday.

I checked my student email after months of inactivity, because we’re getting closer to the start of the semester and I wanted to be at least a little bit on top of my timetabling. I received an email from the head of The University of Melbourne’s School of Geography, encouraging me to do my honours or my masters within the school! THEY WANT ME. I can most definitely do my masters in Environments or even Environmental Science if I want! I DON’T HAVE TO DO JOURNALISM! I CAN DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. This is what I’ve been hoping for for the past two years now. Of course, I still think I should head in to Stop 1 at some point and talk to a student advisor about my options. I have a 72 GPA, so...wait, is it called GPA here? I’ve logged onto my.unimelb, and have just found out that class registration for third years is on the 31st of January at 10 a.m.. Should I write my morning pages before or after this? Probably after, right? Okay, sorted. I’m just checking my results page now, to see exactly what my ‘GPA’ is. It’s loading, it always takes ages. Anyway, as long as I do fairly well in all my subjects this year and not fail anything, I’ll most definitely be eligible for honours in the School of Geography. Considering a good portion of my subjects this year are also taught by the School of Geography, this is certainly looking to be an entirely open avenue for me to follow. Actually, maybe I should take MORE geography subjects this year, just to put myself in an even more favourable position as an honours candidate. I know I have at least two, and they’re both in first semester. And maybe one in second. I could drop ancient greek and take up another geography class. We’ll see when this page loads!