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rafesapologist · 7 months ago

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the boy is mine ─ rafe cameron; chapter two

summary: you were an erudite kook with her life ahead of her, very highly sought after by almost every man from figure 8 all the way to the cut. but you only wanted rafe cameron, and just in the typical nature of getting everything you wanted, you were going to have him.

warnings: suggestive themes, mentions of touching, mentions of alcohol

You woke up the next morning full of energy and excitement, a surge of confidence pulsing through you in a way you hadn’t felt before. The memory of the previous night lingered in your mind, a tantalizing promise of what was to come. After you had returned home, you had spent hours meticulously preparing yourself for the day ahead. You had carefully placed your hair in rollers, ensuring each curl would fall just right, and applied a face mask to sleep in, hoping it would leave your skin glowing and flawless by morning. Today, you needed to look your absolute best.

The anticipation of possibly running into Rafe at Sarah's house added an extra layer of excitement. You wanted to make an impression, to stand out in his memory. It was more than just looking good; it was about exuding confidence and poise, about being memorable.

You sprang out of bed, feeling a burst of determination. The morning sun streamed through your window, casting a warm, golden light across your room. You caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and smiled, feeling a renewed sense of purpose.

In the bathroom, you carefully removed the face mask, revealing soft, radiant skin beneath. You took your time getting ready, savoring each step of the process. The rollers came out next, and you gently tousled your hair until it fell in perfect waves around your face. Makeup followed, applied with a precision that reflected your dedication to perfection.

Lastly was your outfit, and you knew it had to be jaw-dropping. You rummaged through your walk-in closet, fingers trailing over fabrics and textures as you searched for the perfect attire. Before anything else, you slipped on your favorite bathing suit—a berry blue string bikini that hugged your body in all the right places, leaving just enough to the imagination. It was bold, daring, and exactly the statement you wanted to make.

You stood in front of your closet, contemplating your options. The light from the window filtered through sheer curtains, casting a soft glow over the room. Your eyes landed on a short, form-fitting sundress that was pure white, like freshly fallen snow. The dress promised to highlight your tan and contrast perfectly with the vibrant bikini beneath.

Slipping into the sundress, you admired how it clung to your curves, the delicate fabric whispering against your skin. The white dress exuded an innocent charm while hinting at the allure of what lay beneath. You added a few touches to enhance the look—a pair of gold earrings that caught the light with every movement and a matching bracelet that jingled softly with each step.

Standing before the mirror, you took in the complete picture. The white sundress and berry blue bikini created a striking image, a balance of purity and boldness that made you feel both confident and captivating. You added a touch of lip gloss, a hint of shimmer that made your smile even brighter, and a spritz of your favorite perfume, a scent that lingered in the air like a promise.

You knew that you had a few hours to spare, so you spent your time trying to calm your nerves, each moment stretching out like a thread in a delicate tapestry. You packed with meticulous care: sunscreen to guard against the sun's embrace, sunglasses to shield your eyes from its dazzling glare, and shots to fortify your courage for the encounter you both dreaded and longed for. You knew facing Rafe Cameron would require more than just poise; it would require liquid bravery, so you prepared accordingly.

As the minutes slipped by, you double-checked your bag, ensuring every essential was in place. The anticipation thrummed beneath your skin, an electric current of excitement and anxiety. You could almost feel the cool blue water of Sarah's pool, the sun’s warm caress, and the mingled sounds of laughter and splashing.

By the time you were ready to leave, your heart pounded with an eager rhythm. You hurried out the door, each step quick and purposeful. The morning light spilled over you, casting everything in a golden hue that seemed to shimmer with promise. You left little room for your parents’ inevitable questions, offering only a swift, “Goodbye, love you!” as you breezed past them.

Their voices called after you, faint echoes in the morning air, but you were already moving forward, the door clicking shut behind you like a final punctuation mark. The world outside was vibrant and full of potential, each step bringing you closer to Sarah’s house and the day’s unfolding adventures. The thought of seeing Rafe again sent a shiver of anticipation through you, blending with the fresh evening air into a heady mix of expectation and excitement.

The ride to Sarah's house felt quick, though you were sure it was your nerves speeding up time. As you pulled into her driveway, you found yourself gawking at the sprawling white mansion ahead. You knew she was a Kook, but the scale of her family's wealth hadn't truly registered until now. The mansion stood like a gleaming palace, its grandeur almost surreal.

Hopping out of your car, you felt a fluttering excitement mixed with anxiety. Your nerves burst in the pit of your stomach as you approached the front door. Hesitantly, you knocked, the sound echoing in the still air. Stepping back, you crossed your arms, trying to contain the nervous energy coursing through you while you waited.

The door finally swung open, revealing Sarah herself, her smile bright and welcoming. She looked effortlessly chic, her blonde hair catching the sunlight like spun gold.

"Hey! Come on in," she greeted you warmly, pulling you into a hug.

"Hey, Sarah!" you replied, returning the embrace. "Your house is...wow."

She laughed, a musical sound that immediately put you at ease. "Thanks. It's home, I guess. I hope you're okay with a few other people being here. Rafe decided to invite his friends without telling me." She rolled her eyes, but your heart fluttered at the mention of his name. The realization that he was there sent a fresh wave of nerves through you, your excitement now tinged with anxious anticipation.

As you followed Sarah through the grand foyer, the mansion felt almost surreal in its grandeur. The air inside was cool and refreshing, a sharp contrast to the sun’s heat outside, each step on the polished marble floor echoing your heightened heartbeat. The rooms you passed were filled with elegant furniture and art, each piece meticulously placed, reflecting a wealth that was as old as it was vast.

Stepping out onto the patio, the sight before you took your breath away. The pool sparkled like a sapphire, its surface kissed by the sunlight, surrounded by lush greenery and perfectly manicured lawns. A few people lounged by the water, their laughter and conversation blending harmoniously with the gentle rustle of leaves and the distant hum of cicadas. The air was thick with the scent of blooming flowers and freshly cut grass, a sensory reminder of the opulence that enveloped you.

Sarah led you to a set of cushioned chairs near the pool. "Make yourself at home," she said, her gesture inviting you to relax. "Do you want something to drink? We’ve got everything."

You nodded, trying to steady the nerves that fluttered in your chest. "Sure, that’d be great. Surprise me."

As Sarah walked over to the bar to fetch drinks, you took a deep breath and let your eyes wander, absorbing the atmosphere. The water in the pool shimmered under the sun's golden light, and the sounds of distant laughter and soft conversation created a soothing backdrop. Your thoughts drifted to Rafe, wondering how he would react upon seeing you.

Before Sarah got back, you snuck a shot from your tote, swallowing it quickly and savoring the burn as it went down. You made sure nobody saw you, tucking the small bottle back into your bag with a swift, practiced motion. The liquid courage began to warm your veins, steadying your nerves just as Sarah returned.

She handed you a glass filled with a burgundy liquid, a pleased smile on her face. "I hope you like vodka. These are my favorite," she chirped, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.

You took the glass, surprised and delighted. "Actually, vodka-crans are my favorite, so you did well," you said with a smile, lifting the glass to take a sip.

The tart, sweet flavor washed over your tongue, blending perfectly with the warmth from the shot you had taken moments before. Sarah settled into the chair beside you, her presence warm and comforting.

As you both sat there, the sunlight playing on the water's surface, you felt a sense of calm begin to settle over you. The distant laughter and soft music created a serene backdrop, blending with the scents of blooming flowers and the gentle rustle of the wind through the trees. Your earlier nerves began to dissipate, replaced by a growing sense of anticipation.

As the energy on the patio began to wane, the sound of male voices emanating from inside the house caught your attention like a sudden gust of wind. You turned to Sarah, your expression knit with confusion, prompting her to follow your gaze and investigate the noise.

"It's just Rafe and his friends," she groaned, her frustration palpable as she tossed her sunglasses back over her eyes.

The voices grew louder as they approached, the sound of laughter and conversation becoming more distinct with each passing moment. Your heart quickened its pace, a mix of excitement and apprehension swirling within you like a tempest.

Sarah sighed, her irritation evident as she shook her head slightly. "I swear, they always manage to show up and cause a scene."

You watched as the sliding patio doors opened, revealing Rafe and his entourage. They strolled out with an air of confidence, beers in hand, their laughter echoing off the walls. Rafe led the group, his presence commanding attention effortlessly. His stride was casual yet purposeful, his gaze scanning the patio until it landed on you.

For a fleeting moment, time seemed to stand still. Your breath caught in your throat as you met Rafe's intense gaze, the weight of his scrutiny sending a thrill down your spine. In the daylight, he looked even more striking, his tanned skin bathed in sunlight, his crisp white shirt accentuating the lean lines of his physique.

"Rafe, can you not take over everything for once?" Sarah called out, her voice a mix of exasperation and affection. She rose from her chair, her arms crossed as she approached her brother.

Rafe offered a nonchalant shrug, a mischievous grin playing at the corners of his lips. "Just having a little fun, Sarah. You know how it is."

His friends dispersed around the patio, some heading for the pool while others made a beeline for the bar. The atmosphere shifted, an infectious energy buzzing in the air. Rafe lingered by the door, his gaze lingering on you like a beam of sunlight.

"Nice to see you again, Y/N," Rafe remarked, his voice smooth like honey, with a subtle smirk playing at the corners of his lips. His gaze lingered on you, his eyes tracing the lines of your dress with an intensity that made your cheeks flush hot with embarrassment. You couldn't help but feel a shiver run down your spine as you wondered what thoughts were crossing his mind, oblivious to what lay beneath the fabric.

"Hi, Rafe," you replied, your voice coming out almost sheepishly as you struggled to maintain eye contact with him. Your heart hammered in your chest like a wild drumbeat, the air between you thick with unspoken tension. You found yourself holding your breath, waiting for his next move, unsure of what to expect but unable to tear your gaze away from his magnetic presence.

"Where's your Yale friend? She busy trying to get an acceptance letter or something?" Rafe's voice, laced with mischief, broke through the chatter like a sudden gust of wind. His gaze lingered on you, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips, as if he found amusement in your presence.

"Rafe! Leave her alone," she interjected, her voice carrying a hint of exasperation. She shot her brother a reproachful glare, a silent warning not to push further. "Sadie couldn't come because she was sick, okay?"

Rafe's smirk softened into a grin, a glint of mischief still dancing in his eyes as he raised his hands in mock surrender. "Alright, alright. No need to get defensive," he replied, his tone teasing but affectionate.

Rafe finally made his way over to his friends gathered at the pool, his movements exuding a casual grace that seemed effortless. With practiced ease, he stripped off his shirt, revealing a chiseled physique that drew your gaze like a magnet. You couldn't tear your eyes away as he discarded the shirt, the fabric landing with a soft thud on the ground beside him.

Undeniably, you found yourself gawking at him, your heart pounding in your chest as you drank in the sight before you. The way his abs were perfectly defined, each muscle carved with precision, made your breath catch in your throat. His bronzed skin seemed to gleam in the sunlight, accentuating every contour and curve of his body. As he moved, the veins in his biceps stood out like a network of rivers, a testament to his strength and vitality.

You felt a sudden wave of weakness wash over you, your knees threatening to buckle beneath you as you struggled to maintain your composure. Your eyes followed his figure as he strode confidently to the edge of the pool, the anticipation building with each step. With a fluid motion, he dove into the water, the surface rippling and shimmering in the sunlight as he disappeared beneath the surface.

You watched, transfixed, as he resurfaced, joining his friends in whatever game they were playing. The laughter and splashing echoed in the air, a backdrop to the scene unfolding before you. Despite the playful atmosphere, your thoughts remained fixed on Rafe, his presence casting a spell over you that you couldn't shake.

You were brought out of your trance by the sound of Rafe's friend calling out to you and Sarah, his voice cutting through the air like a playful challenge. "Hey, you guys wanna join? We're playing water polo and we need another player!"

Your eyes widened in surprise at the unexpected invitation, uncertainty flickering in your gaze as you glanced over at Sarah. You weren't sure how to respond, torn between the desire to join in the fun and the reluctance to disrupt your carefully arranged appearance.

"Well, I can't," Sarah replied with a wry grin, her tone laced with humor. "I just got my hair bleached; I can't get it wet!"

Your heart raced as you felt the weight of their collective gaze, their expectant stares burning into your skin like a spotlight. The pressure to join in was palpable, amplified by the intensity of Rafe's gaze as he watched you with unabashed interest.

Despite the overwhelming urge to retreat, you knew that backing out now would only lead to disappointment, both from the boys and from yourself. With a resigned sigh, you reluctantly agreed to join, your voice tinged with reluctance but determination.

"Alright, I guess I'll play, but just one round," you conceded, the sound of the boys' cheers and excitement washing over you like a tidal wave.

As you stood up to join them, you couldn't help but steal a glance at Sarah, who offered you a sympathetic look in return. The unspoken understanding between you was comforting, a silent reassurance that you weren't alone in this moment of vulnerability.

With a deep breath, you turned your attention back to the pool, steeling yourself for what was to come. Slowly, you began to strip off your sundress, the fabric slipping from your shoulders like a whisper. Your movements were hesitant, tentative, as you prayed that none of the boys were still paying attention.

But as the dress slid down to your hips, you couldn't help but look up, your gaze inadvertently meeting Rafe's. Time seemed to freeze as you caught him staring back at you, his expression caught between surprise and admiration, his mouth slightly agape.

Heat flooded your cheeks as you quickly averted your gaze, your heart pounding in your chest like a drumbeat. The intensity of his stare lingered like a lingering echo, sending a shiver down your spine as you hurriedly finished removing your dress, the fabric pooling at your feet in a silent surrender to the inevitable.

As you finally stood there, fully exposed in your berry blue bikini, you could feel Rafe's gaze burning into you, more intense and unyielding than ever. It was as if everything else around him faded into background noise, leaving only the sharp focus of his eyes on you. He made no effort to hide his scrutiny, his stare lingering on every inch of your exposed skin, making you feel both powerful and vulnerable under his watchful eyes.

You watched, your heart pounding, as his tongue slowly grazed his bottom lip, a deliberate and almost predatory motion. His eyes darkened, and he took his lower lip into his mouth, biting down on it subtly. The action was slow and deliberate, sending a shiver down your spine. His mouth pressed together afterward, as if he were physically trying to restrain himself from reacting more openly, to keep his jaw from dropping to the floor in sheer astonishment.

The moment stretched on, thick with unspoken tension. You felt your own breath hitch, caught between the thrill of his attention and the anxiety of being so completely seen. Finally, summoning every ounce of confidence you had, you gave him a small, almost imperceptible smile before turning your gaze away, stepping towards the edge of the pool. The cool water beckoned, a welcome respite from the heat of Rafe's gaze.

You took a deep breath and dove in, the water embracing you, its coolness momentarily washing away the intensity of the moment. As you surfaced, you felt a sense of liberation, the water providing a comforting shield from the penetrating stares above. You ran your fingers through your hair, slicking it back, and allowed yourself a moment to adjust to the new sensation.

The boys were already dividing into teams, their laughter and shouts filling the air, a stark contrast to the charged silence that had just passed. You swam over to join them, your heart still pounding but now with a mix of excitement and adrenaline.

"Alright, let's get started!" one of Rafe's friends called out, tossing the ball into the center of the pool. You positioned yourself strategically, ready to play, feeling a surge of determination.

As the game progressed, you could feel Rafe's presence in the pool, his movements fluid and confident. Whenever he came near, the air seemed to crackle with electricity, a silent acknowledgment of the connection that had sparked between you. He was an agile player, his strength and speed undeniable, and you found yourself both admiring and competing with him.

At one point, you found yourself face to face with him, the ball between you. His eyes locked onto yours, a mischievous glint in them, and for a moment, it felt like it was just the two of you, the rest of the world fading into the background. You lunged for the ball, your bodies colliding in the water, a tangle of limbs and splashes.

"Nice try," he murmured, his voice low and teasing, as he managed to wrestle the ball away, his touch lingering on your arm just a second longer than necessary.

You grinned, a mixture of frustration and exhilaration coursing through you. "Don't get too cocky," you shot back, determined to hold your own. The two of you paused for a moment, the world around you dissolving into a blur of motion and sound. His eyes locked onto yours, and for an instant, everything else faded away.

The water shimmered between you, rippling with the energy of your silent exchange. Your chest rose and fell rapidly, your breath mingling with the cool air as you tried to steady your racing heart. The intensity of his gaze was magnetic, pulling you into an unspoken conversation that felt both dangerous and thrilling.

Rafe's lips curved into a cocky grin, a silent promise and challenge in his eyes. He held your gaze for a moment longer, the air thick with tension, before he turned away with a fluid grace. His movement was almost predatory, a display of confidence and strength that left you breathless.

As he walked away, the sunlight glinted off the droplets of water on his skin, creating a halo of shimmering light. You stood there, rooted to the spot, the pounding of your heart echoing in your ears. The game continued around you, voices and laughter blending into a distant hum, but your focus remained on the lingering sensation of his presence.

You felt a shiver run down your spine, a mix of irritation at his arrogance and excitement at the intensity of his attention. The undeniable attraction simmered beneath the surface, leaving you craving more of the electrifying connection. The water, cool and refreshing, was a stark contrast to the heat of your thoughts and the fire he had ignited within you.

You took a deep breath, willing yourself to regain composure, and joined the game once more. But now, every move, every splash, every moment was charged with the memory of that gaze, that grin, and the tantalizing possibility of what might come next.

"Okay, I'm done!" you declared, throwing your hands on your hips as you tried to catch your breath. You realized you were too weak to keep going. "I'm gonna go get a drink. You guys keep playing." With that, you exited the pool, feeling the cool air against your damp skin.

Grabbing your towel from the nearby chair, you wrapped it around your hips, securing it with a tight knot. You glanced at Sarah, who had been watching the game from the sidelines. "Where are the drinks?" you asked, your voice slightly hoarse from exertion.

She motioned toward the kitchen with a smile. "Just inside. Help yourself."

Nodding in gratitude, you made your way inside, the sounds of the pool fading behind you. The cool tile underfoot was a welcome contrast to the heat of the afternoon sun. Entering the kitchen, you immediately headed for the fridge, your mind focused solely on finding something to quench your thirst.

You pulled open the fridge door and, to your relief, found a row of cold water bottles neatly lined up. You snatched one, twisted off the cap, and tilted your head back, taking large, satisfying gulps. The cold water was refreshing, soothing your parched throat and cooling you from the inside out.

As you lowered the bottle, you closed your eyes for a moment, savoring the sensation. The kitchen was quiet, a peaceful contrast to the lively scene outside. You could still hear faint laughter and splashing from the pool, but in here, it was just you and the cool, calming stillness. You leaned against the counter, catching your breath and letting your thoughts settle.

The brief solitude gave you a chance to process everything that had happened: the unexpected intensity of Rafe's gaze, the way your heart had raced under his scrutiny, and the unfamiliar feelings he stirred within you. It was exhilarating and unsettling all at once, leaving you with a sense of anticipation you hadn't felt before.

You took another sip of water, lost in your thoughts, when the sound of approaching footsteps drew your attention. You looked up to see Rafe standing in the doorway, his presence instantly commanding the room. His hair was damp, and water glistened on his skin, catching the light in a way that made your breath hitch once more.

"Couldn't handle the game?" he teased, his voice low and slightly breathless, matching the intensity of his gaze. You were caught by surprise at the sound of his voice, feeling small and vulnerable in his presence.

Peering up at him in silence for a brief second, you felt your mind racing as he stood over you, his eyes never leaving yours. The world outside seemed to fade away, leaving just the two of you in a bubble of charged silence. "I just needed a drink," you managed to reply, your voice softer than intended, almost a whisper.

Rafe nodded at your reply, a small hum escaping the depths of his throat. "You were pretty good out there, Princeton," he commented, the nickname carrying a subtle edge, as if he was both taunting and admiring your goody-two-shoes ways. His voice was a velvet drawl, laced with a challenge that made your heart flutter.

A flush of embarrassment warmed your cheeks at the unexpected compliment and the moniker he’d chosen for you. Clearing your throat, you averted your eyes to the tiled floor, feeling the intensity of Rafe's gaze burning into you like the summer sun. "Oh, thanks," you laughed half-heartedly, the sound more a nervous flutter than genuine amusement. "Sports aren't really my thing, so..."

He leaned closer, just enough for his presence to envelop you, the faint scent of chlorine and his cologne mingling in the air between you. "Could've fooled me," he murmured, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "You held your own out there."

The compliment, however backhanded it might have been, sent a thrill through you. You risked a glance up, meeting his piercing blue eyes that seemed to dance with amusement and something else, something darker and more compelling. The kitchen, despite its airy openness, felt suddenly intimate, a bubble separating the two of you from the rest of the world.

"Well, maybe I’m a fast learner," you said, trying to match his nonchalance. Your fingers toyed with the edge of your water bottle, the cool condensation a stark contrast to the heat blooming in your chest.

Rafe's smirk deepened, his eyes never leaving yours. "Maybe you are," he agreed softly, the words hanging in the charged air between you. "But I have a feeling you're good at a lot of things, Princeton."

The way he said it, with that low, almost predatory purr, made your pulse quicken. You wondered if he could hear the rapid beating of your heart, feel the electric tension that crackled in the narrow space between your bodies.

You opened your mouth to respond, but the words tangled on your tongue. Instead, you took a steadying breath, the cool air of the kitchen filling your lungs, and tried to regain your composure. "Thanks," you said finally, your voice more composed. "But don't expect to see me at the next water polo match."

Rafe chuckled, a rich, resonant sound that made your skin tingle. "We'll see about that," he said, pushing away from the counter with a fluid grace. "Maybe I'll have to find another way to see what else you're good at."

He toyed with the string of your bikini on the side of your hip, twirling it around his finger with a casual confidence. The simple act felt charged with a silent promise, an acknowledgment that he had the power to undo it if he wanted to. The gesture made you feel even smaller beneath his commanding presence.

Your entire body felt hot, your cheeks surely blushing as you stared down at his fingers, your mouth slightly agape. The room seemed to close in, the air thick with an unspoken tension that left you at a loss for words. Your breath came shallow and quick, your mind racing as you tried to process the whirlwind of sensations his touch ignited.

Rafe’s smirk grew as he observed your reaction, clearly enjoying the effect he had on you. His eyes, dark with intent, bore into yours, and you felt the intensity of his gaze like a physical touch. He leaned in closer, his breath warm against your ear as he whispered, "Just let me know if you need any help... learning new things. Seems like you're good at that."

The words sent a shiver down your spine, your pulse quickening at the proximity of his body to yours. You could feel the heat radiating from him, a magnetic pull that made it difficult to think clearly. The room seemed to shrink around you, the sounds of the party fading into the background as you became acutely aware of every breath, every heartbeat.

Rafe's fingers lingered on the string of your bikini for a moment longer before releasing it, the brief contact leaving a trail of fire on your skin. He pulled back slightly, just enough to lock eyes with you, his gaze unwavering and full of promise.

You swallowed hard, trying to regain your composure and not let your facade crack under the weight of his suggestive words. "I'll let you know if I do," you replied, though your voice wavered slightly, betraying the mix of excitement and nerves coursing through you. Each word felt like a tightrope walk between desire and restraint, and you fought to maintain your cool exterior even as your heart raced in your chest. Swallowing thickly, you held his gaze, determined not to show any sign of weakness in the face of his undeniable charm.

Rafe chuckled lowly, the sound sending a shiver down your spine as his eyes lingered on the string of your bikini for a moment longer. You could feel the weight of his gaze, intense and electrifying, tracing the curve of your body with an almost palpable hunger.

With a subtle smirk draped across his tanned features, he finally tore his gaze away from you, meeting your eyes once more. There was a magnetic pull in the air between you, a silent understanding of the unspoken tension that crackled between you like electricity.

"I'll see you around, Princeton," he said, his voice a low murmur that seemed to echo in the space between you. The nickname rolled off his tongue effortlessly, a teasing reminder of your status as the Ivy League hopeful amidst the chaos of the party.

As Rafe turned away, a rush of conflicting emotions swept over you, leaving you speechless as you watched him confidently make his way back to the patio. His fluid movements and undeniable charisma left you momentarily breathless, a flutter of butterflies erupting in your stomach at the memory of your interaction.

In the quiet solitude of the kitchen, you were left to ponder the significance of your encounter with Rafe. Each moment replayed in your mind like a broken record, the intensity of his gaze and the weight of his words still lingering in the air around you.

Part of you yearned for more, a silent whisper echoing in the recesses of your mind as you replayed the tantalizing moments with Rafe. You couldn't help but wonder what might have transpired if time had slowed, if his touch had lingered a heartbeat longer, or if his words had delved deeper into the depths of your soul.

The questions that danced in the wake of your encounter left an ache of anticipation blooming within you, like a hunger for the forbidden fruit, ripe with the promise of revelation. Each thought, each memory, stirred a longing within you, a primal desire to unravel the enigma that was Rafe Cameron himself.

As you stood in the quiet sanctuary of the kitchen, the distant hum of the party fading into the background, you were consumed by a yearning for more. It was a craving for connection, for intimacy beyond the surface-level exchanges and fleeting glances.

Shaking off the lingering warmth of Rafe’s touch, you took one final gulp of water, bracing yourself for the transition back to reality. The sun’s golden rays embraced you as you stepped onto the patio, your skin tingling from more than just the heat. You approached Sarah with a smile that barely masked the whirlwind inside you.

“Hey, I should get going,” you said, your voice steady despite the tumult within. You reached for your tote bag, its familiar weight grounding you. “My parents want me home for dinner, and I still have to study for exams. I’ll catch you at school?”

Sarah’s expression flickered with disappointment but quickly softened into understanding. “Of course! Thanks for coming by. We’ll definitely do this again soon.”

You nodded, embracing her in a quick hug, the scent of saltwater and sunscreen clinging to both of you. As you turned to leave, the magnetic pull of Rafe’s gaze was almost tangible, an invisible thread that made each step feel weighted with significance. You risked a final glance back and found his eyes still on you, a dark intensity that sent shivers down your spine.

With a final wave to the group, you slipped into your car, the engine’s hum a stark contrast to the lively chatter of the party. The drive home blurred past in a haze, your thoughts replaying the day’s interactions like a symphony of emotions. Each moment with Rafe was a note that resonated deeply, leaving you both exhilarated and yearning for more.

As you pulled into your driveway, the sky painted itself in hues of twilight, the world bathed in a soft, dusky glow. You paused, taking in the serene beauty of the evening, the contrast to the storm within. Stepping out of the car, you felt the weight of the day settling on your shoulders, a mix of excitement and uncertainty.

As you entered your house, the familiar scent of home mingled with the residual aroma of sunscreen and saltwater, creating a unique blend that encapsulated the day’s adventures. The moment you stepped through the door, your parents were upon you, their voices echoing in the foyer with a rapid-fire barrage of questions.

"Who were you with?"

"Where did you go?"

You sighed, trying to muster the energy to answer them calmly. "I was with Sarah Cameron," you said, the name dropping from your lips with practiced ease. "She's in honors society." The mention of Sarah's reputable background seemed to appease them instantly. Their expressions softened, their curiosity sated, and they nodded in approval.

"Alright then," your mother said, a hint of satisfaction in her voice. "Just make sure you get your studying done."

You nodded, relieved as they stepped aside, allowing you to retreat to the sanctuary of your room. The door clicked shut behind you, and you leaned against it, exhaling deeply. The quiet of your room enveloped you, a stark contrast to the cacophony of the party and the intoxicating tension of Rafe's presence.

You took a moment to collect yourself, pushing off the door and moving towards your bed. The evening sunlight filtered through your window, casting soft, golden beams across your room, illuminating the stacks of textbooks and notes that awaited your attention. You dropped your tote bag by the bed, the weight of the day’s events finally settling in.

With a sigh, you changed into more comfortable clothes, the soft fabric a welcome comfort against your skin. You settled at your desk, opening your books, but your mind wandered back to the afternoon. The memory of Rafe's intense gaze and the feeling of his fingers toying with the strings of your bikini played on a loop in your mind.

You tried to focus, but the thought of him lingered like a whisper in the back of your mind, making it hard to concentrate. You imagined what it would be like to see him again, to share more moments that left you breathless and yearning. The pages of your textbook blurred as your thoughts drifted, and you found yourself lost in daydreams of possibilities.

As your mind wandered, thoughts of Rafe Cameron wove their way through your consciousness like tendrils of smoke, curling and dissipating only to reform, more vivid and enticing each time. His smirk, a crooked promise of mischief, lingered in your thoughts. You imagined the scene in the kitchen playing out differently, with Rafe staying just a moment longer, his presence filling the space between you, his gaze never wavering.

What if you had dared to bridge that gap, to step closer and voice your desire? The thought sent a thrill through you, a tantalizing mix of fear and excitement. You pictured his fingers trailing along your skin, their touch electric and gentle, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. His breath, warm and intoxicating against your ear, whispered promises that made your pulse race.

Cold chills raced up and down your spine as you let your imagination roam freely. You envisioned his hands exploring your body with a blend of urgency and tenderness, tracing the lines of your silhouette, his touch both a comfort and a provocation. The memory of his fingers toying with the strings of your bikini resurfaced, each imagined brush of his skin against yours igniting a cascade of sensations.

Closing your eyes, you allowed the fantasy to unfold with cinematic clarity. You saw yourself reaching out to him, your fingers curling around the fabric of his shirt, pulling him closer. His breath mingled with yours, the heat of his body a palpable presence against your own. The kiss you conjured was a heady blend of need and gentleness, his lips exploring yours with an intensity that left you breathless.

In your mind’s eye, you felt the strength of his hands on your waist, guiding you closer, deepening the connection between you. The way his lips brushed against the sensitive skin of your neck, sending shivers down your spine, was so vivid it felt real. You imagined the texture of his hair beneath your fingers, the solid weight of him grounding you even as he sent your senses spiraling.

The fantasy was a sweet escape, an intoxicating reverie that left you flushed and eager. Each imagined touch, each whispered word, added to the heady mix of anticipation and longing. The more you indulged in these daydreams, the more you craved another encounter with Rafe, another chance to see where this tantalizing spark might lead.

It was a rush of adrenaline, unlike anything you had ever experienced. Boys had never held much sway over you; you had never felt the desire to pursue relationships like your friends did. Your parents had instilled in you the unwavering belief that studies should always come first—without them, your future held little promise. Marriage, they assured you, was a distant concern, something to consider only after college and a stable career were firmly in place.

The sensation of Rafe's touch lingered, electrifying your senses in a way that was entirely new. You were accustomed to boys making advances, attempting to win you over, but you had always kept them at arm's length. None had ever touched you the way Rafe had earlier.

His touch had been different—confident yet gentle, leaving a trail of warmth in its wake. It was a touch that had stirred something deep within you, awakening a desire you hadn't known existed. In that fleeting moment, his fingertips grazing against your skin had sparked a rush of sensations, each one unfamiliar and exhilarating.

As you reflected on the encounter, you felt a mix of excitement and uncertainty. Part of you thrilled at the prospect of exploring this new terrain, of discovering what lay beyond the boundaries you had so carefully maintained. Another part of you felt a twinge of guilt, a nagging reminder of your parents' expectations and the priorities they had ingrained in you. Yet, amid those conflicting emotions, there was a growing sense of liberation. The brief exchange with Rafe had opened a door to a world of possibilities you had never dared to consider. It was a tantalizing glimpse of a different path—one that beckoned with its own set of risks and rewards.

After an intense hour buried in textbooks, you gratefully closed them and sank into bed. With a swift unlock, you navigated to Instagram, driven by an insistent urge to search for the name that had dominated your thoughts—Rafe. Thanks to Sarah and mutual acquaintances, locating his profile was effortless.

As your finger tapped on his profile picture, anticipation knotted in your chest. What if he was entangled with someone else? What if he was notorious for playing with hearts? Despite these apprehensions, you pressed on, yearning to unravel more about him. His profile unveiled snippets of his life—pictures from exotic getaways, moments with friends, and snapshots on the golf course where Topper, Sarah's boyfriend, featured prominently. Their closeness didn't surprise you; it was evident in their behavior.

You scrolled deeper, each image and caption offering a fleeting glimpse into his world. With every post, your intrigue grew. Who was Rafe Cameron behind these carefully curated snapshots? What did he cherish? What was he like beyond the filtered frames?

You found yourself drawn into the depths of Rafe's Instagram profile, scrolling through his life over the past few years. Each photo captured a different facet of him: lounging on sun-soaked beaches, laughing with friends on golf courses, and even a few candid shots that exuded his effortless charm. With each swipe, your smile widened involuntarily, captivated by his magnetic presence in every image.

But then, amidst the series of carefree snapshots, you stumbled upon a picture that shattered your burgeoning admiration. There he was, on a picturesque beach, arm wrapped around a girl with a bright smile and eyes that mirrored his joy. They shared ice cream on a bustling boardwalk, kissed under the soft glow of sunset—a glimpse into a life that seemed worlds apart from yours.

Your heart sank as you stared at the scene frozen in time, feeling a mix of disappointment and disbelief wash over you. You had allowed yourself to get lost in fantasies, caught up in a momentary thrill that now felt hollow. The reality of his relationship with someone else hit hard, snapping you out of the enchantment that had momentarily clouded your thoughts.

You felt an insatiable curiosity gnawing at you, craving to unravel the enigma of Rafe's relationship with the girl in those photos. Each snapshot on his Instagram page painted a picture of a life filled with adventure and camaraderie, yet it revealed nothing about the depth of his connections. The ocean breeze seemed to whisper secrets as you scrolled, each image telling a story of laughter and shared moments against stunning backdrops. But behind those smiles and frozen frames, the truth of their bond remained elusive, leaving you to wonder about the untold chapters that lay between them.

You wrestled with swirling thoughts of the mysterious girl in Rafe's photos, pondering the depth of their connection, its duration, and whether it still persisted. Lying in the dimness of your room, you stared at the ceiling, consumed by thoughts of Rafe Cameron and all that he represented. Each question about him spun through your mind like a whirlwind, relentlessly tugging at your attention until weariness finally overtook you. Drifting into sleep, thoughts of Rafe lingered at the edge of your consciousness, a silent presence that followed you into dreams.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

taglist: @yawnzshit, @saintchxx4

#rafe cameron #drew starkey #rafe cameron x reader #obx #outer banks #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe angst #rafe cameron imagine #rafe x you #rafe x y/n #rafe x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe obx #rafe outer banks #outerbanks rafe

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lanternfeather · 19 days ago

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metcon - sevika x nb!reader, hurt/comfort

my first fic featuring my self-insert oc, marin! in this fic, they are new to their local crossfit gym and struggling with an eating disorder, but hopelessly in love with coach sevika and desperate to make her proud.

contains: sevika x nonbinary reader, self-insert, original character, lesbian yearning, hurt/comfort, fluff/angst, eating disorders (no numbers mentioned but behaviors are), age difference, caring sevika, reader fainting and being saved by sevika

read under the cut

also on ao3

“Alright, seven AM, circle up around the whiteboard!” Coach Sevika hollered above the blasting metal music. Marin dutifully circled up with their classmates to see what fresh torture was in store for them today. They’d joined their local Crossfit a month ago, tired of not making any progress and failing to motivate themself for self-directed workouts at their old gym. And, yeah, they were already seeing progress in both the scale and the mirror, but this was by far the hardest thing they’d ever done. They’d thought they had an okay amount of strength and endurance, but had quickly learned better when their first workout saw them gasping, drenched in sweat, and still lagging behind everyone. But they were determined to get better and reach their goals, no matter how hard they had to push. The scheduled group classes were certainly motivating on their own, but Sevika… Marin knew on their first day that they would not be missing any seven AM classes, not when Sevika was so impressive and hot and gave them so much encouragement, as the weakest member of the group. Any round was worth pushing through just so they could hear that “yes, Marin! Great job!” and feel like it was all worth it.

Most workouts were an absolute slog to get through. Marin knew they would likely do better if they fueled themself properly, but they were deeply entrenched in the practice of chronically not fueling themself. They doggedly ate very little and usually the same few low-calorie, high-protein foods in a fruitless attempt to build muscle while losing as much weight as possible. Every morning saw their vision going black around the edges as they squatted heavier and rowed faster. They knew they needed to change, and they couldn’t possibly continue making progress like this, and god forbid they fainted in front of their class… but this was what they’d done all their life and the thought of actually treating themself kindly was terrifying. They just had to keep pushing and improving and soon they’d be able to keep up with the class, and maybe impress Sevika with their progress.

As it was, the workout of the day today prescribed chin-ups for the strength portion and rowing mixed with burpees for the metabolic conditioning. Marin was excited- they’d recently progressed to being able to do one (1) quality unassisted chin-up, and they desperately wanted Sevika to notice how well they were doing, how much better they were getting under her guidance. Somewhere deep down, Marin’s rational brain told them that they should definitely not have a massive crush on their hot older trainer, and it would never lead to anything, but in reality, they were quite simple, and could never hope to resist a tall woman with huge arms and an intimidating presence. As Sevika rattled off the workout and the scaling options, she caught Marin’s eye and smirked a little. Marin smiled back and, unwillingly, blushed. They wanted to make Sevika proud. They woke up every morning dreading the workout ahead, but excited to see Sevika’s tilted smile cut through her severe exterior. Maybe they were being delusional, but they were slightly convinced that Sevika smiled at them and hung around their station slightly more than anyone else. But maybe they were just searching for evidence that wasn’t actually there.

After Sevika led the class through the warmup, which in itself had Marin sweating and panting, and demonstrated proper chin-up form, which made Marin sweat even more, it was time to start. Marin grabbed their step-up box and headed to their usual bar on the rig, hoping and praying that Sevika would make her way over to check in soon so they could show off. They set themself up with some bands that they knew they could assist them through sets of ten, eight, and six with, and, cued by the buzzer sound and Sevika turning her metal music up really loud, began their workout. They knew by the time they finished their first set that they would not be able to do the whole workout today. They felt supremely unwell, and considered grabbing some heavier bands for more assistance, when Sevika appeared beside them.

“How are we feeling about the chin-ups today, Marin?” she asked, crossing her arms and really making her biceps bulge. She looked angry, but Marin knew by now that was just her regular face. Marin swallowed and caught their breath, untangling their foot from the bands.

“I’m not feeling super great today, to be honest, so I’ll have to scale it back more…” they said, at which Sevika frowned a little further. “But can I show you something really quick?” They wanted to prove they were worth Sevika’s time so bad. Sevika gestured for them to go ahead. Standing atop their box to be able to reach, Marin wrapped their hands around the bar, exhaled sharply, and used all their strength to pull their chin clear over the bar. They heard Sevika exclaim in amazement, and then they did a second rep, so high on Sevika that they thought they could do anything. The minute their toes touched the box again and they disengaged, their vision began fading out at the edges.

“Marin, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!” Sevika enthused. Marin couldn’t feel their hands anymore. I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. Nothing else mattered, even though they were sure they were going to throw up, and they could barely hear Sevika ask “Hey, are you okay?” I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. Marin toppled off their box into a faint.

Slowly, Marin’s hearing and vision came back to them. They were so disoriented. Nothing felt right. They gasped a bit, and Sevika’s unfocused face appeared over them, seeming angry.

“Marin, are you awake?” Sevika asked, to which Marin moaned, uncertain. They realized they were lying down, with their feet elevated and their head cushioned on a warm, soft surface. Judging by their position, and the position of Sevika’s face above her, they deduced their head was in her lap. The metal music was still blaring. The worst case scenario had come true. They had fainted in front of everyone in their class, who were all standing around looking worried, and Sevika had had to save their pathetic ass. They covered their face, extremely distressed and ashamed. They should have been more careful. They shouldn’t have pushed so hard.

“You passed out. It’s a good thing I caught you, otherwise I’m sure we’d be dealing with a severe head injury right now. Why didn’t you stop if you didn’t feel good? Do I need to call paramedics?” Sevika asked, quite sternly, deepening Marin’s shame.

“I wanted to… show you… my progress,” they said, sounding extremely selfish and stupid to themself. Sevika’s expression crumpled into something sad, shocked, and pitying, which was even worse than her anger.

“Please don’t call paramedics. I’ll be fine in a minute. I’m sorry for disrupting the class,” Marin said miserably, trying to roll away and sit up, but their body just couldn’t move. Sevika held them more firmly in her lap, which was horrible.

“No, you’re going to stay here until you’ve had some food and electrolytes. Coach Vi will continue the class,” Sevika reprimanded them. They were sure they had never felt this miserable. They felt like a stupid idiot child who couldn’t be trusted to take care of themself, which, in fairness, was kind of true. Sevika waved Vi over and requested her to bring a protein bar and Gatorade from the office. “What have you had to eat and drink today?” she asked them. They weren’t in the right headspace to make something up. They looked away guiltily, since the answer was nothing except their usual pre-workout trifecta of water for hydration, coffee for energy, and bone broth for electrolytes. Sevika’s expression got even sadder.

“Marin…” she said in a soft voice. Horrifyingly, Marin started to cry.

“I’m sorry,” they said pathetically, feeling even stupider and smaller.

If Marin had been privy to Sevika’s thoughts, they would have known that her heart was breaking. Sevika had liked Marin and their quiet, earnest demeanor the minute they showed up for their first class, but was alarmed as they became rapidly thinner yet somehow pushed themself harder over the past month. Each time she’d seen Marin falter in a movement or have to sit down for a bit with glassy eyes, she’d considered saying something to them, to show them she cared and wanted to help. But as soon as she’d seen Marin go pale as a sheet and their eyes roll back, and felt their terrible nothing-weight as they fell into her arms, she knew the only one at fault here was her, for not speaking up sooner and letting this go on too long. She felt as though she had been leading Marin on, for encouraging them even as she knew that they would do anything to please her. As she stared at that sharp white face and counted the seconds until they regained consciousness, she struggled to not let her desires take over. To hold close, to protect, to give, to make whole again. She knew she was in far too deep as a coach, but she cared too much at this point.

“Don’t be sorry,” Sevika said, the words sounding sharp to Marin. “I should be saying sorry. I know you’ve been overworking yourself and I haven’t checked in on you, I’ve just been feeding into you pushing yourself.” Marin was quiet as they slowly ate the bar and sipped the Gatorade. “You’re clearly struggling and I should have told you to stop coming to class for a while.” Everything Sevika said made Marin feel worse. They tried valiantly to get up, to go hide and wallow in self-loathing for a while.

“Don’t patronize me. I know I suck at taking care of myself, but I’m paying for this membership, and I don’t need to be told what I can and can’t do,” Marin said bitterly, finally finding the strength to slide out of Sevika’s arms. Sevika swallowed and frowned.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not trying to patronize you. You have free will and all that, but…” she looked away and Marin was shocked to see she was blushing.

“I just wanted to let you know I care about you. And I want to see you get better- by better, I don’t mean thinner, I mean more lively and able to get through a workout.” Sevika said quite candidly. Marin decided to make up for being bitter, and speak candidly, too.

“I just wanted to impress you and show you how much I’ve improved since I’ve been training with you. Nothing else mattered to me except that I was worthy to keep coming here,” Marin said quietly. The truth hung heavily between them.

“You are worthy because you show up and do your best. You don’t need to impress me. Just putting in the work- in a healthy manner- and being earnest is enough,” Sevika said softly, making Marin swipe a few more tears away from their eyes.

“Let’s avoid this situation going forward. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to put your membership on pause-” Sevika said, momentarily shattering Marin. “-and you’re going to come here three days a week and have breakfast with me before we do a very scaled-back workout together. The other days, you’re going to rest or do something light, like a walk or yoga. And eat . And in another month, when you’re not seeing stars through every workout, we can reconsider your membership.” Her tone was no-nonsense and commanding. The thought of not exercising hard every day, and eating more than usual, sent a wave of fear and anxiety through Marin.

“I don’t want to… gain weight,” they murmured, knowing it sounded petulant and selfish even as they said it. Sevika’s face became stern and resolved.

“That’s the only way I see you being able to stand any form of exercise,” she said, and then, gentler- “It doesn’t have to be this hard. I want to help you find a middle ground that’s sustainable, and more importantly, allows you to exercise for fun and longevity rather than trying to prove a point.” Marin had to take a deep breath. Logically, they knew all this. But somehow they’d never managed to find a middle ground for anything. They’d always lived with an all-or-nothing mindset. The thought of taking it easy somehow made them feel like they were losing, in this fucked-up, competitive world. Sevika put a hand on Marin’s arm. Something tiny and hopeful flickered inside them.

“Look, I’m certainly not a therapist, and I’m not going to fix you or anything. You have to be willing to improve your life yourself. I just want to be here to support you and make the process a little less lonely,” Sevika said, searching to look into Marin’s eyes. “Keep showing up for me, just in a different way.” Marin’s heart was pounding from that intense steel-gray gaze, but they set their shoulders and nodded once. Sevika bit her lip.

“And, listen… I’m not coaching the next class. Can we start today? Can I take you out to breakfast?” she asked, so tender compared to her tough exterior that Marin, down bad as they were, could not even hope to say anything but yes.

#my writing #fanfics #sevika #sevika x reader #soft sevika #sevika x you #sevika x oc #arcane #sevika arcane #lesbian #wlw #crossfit au

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kenniecrazyface · 2 months ago

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HUGE Venting below cut just fyi. (This is mostly for me to try and write my thoughts out)

⚠️ALSO please don’t engage; I’m not trying to seek validation. Again, this is basically journaling. Sometimes, you just wanna put something out there to be heard, not responded to, ya know?❤️‍🩹

This is hilarious since my main thing is just “funny random” shitposts lmao.

I am a failure. I am below EVERYBODY else. I always make sure to remind myself every morning I wake up, and every hour of the day.

So much to say but I’m not good at writing stuff. Ig what’s bothering me right now is that things are suddenly just FLOPPING on Twitter. Idk if it’s because people are migrating to blue sky, the algorithm, or what.

(And the thing is, I am AWARE of the fact that it’s dumb to base your self worth on “internet points and likes”. But my whole life has ALWAYS been about numbers; weather it be OCD, getting the right number on the scale when I was at the peak of my Ed, or followers/likes.)

I know I make a ton of just, shitpost stuff, but sometimes I WANT to at least try and make something actually meaningful. But everytime I do, nobody cares about it. Maybe I’m damned to only be the “funny person” It definitely tells me that I am the absolute bottom of the barrel, and I am instantly humbled. Feeling even a little bit proud of myself, or thinking something I made looks ok feels WRONG. I am NOT talented. I am NOWHERE near as good as actual artists, and I never will be. I am unworthy. Maybe I’m destined to fail. What did I do wrong to never be able to taste success? At least I know that my reward at the end will be great.

I put a lot of time into it even if it doesn’t look like it. Hell, even the shitposts can take hours sometimes. ADHD is hell, and I believe it’s gotten worse as time goes on. (I DO try to get help for these things btw, but I can’t trust therapists) I see BEAUTIFUL masterpieces people make, and they say “oh this took 30 mins!” And I feel dreadful. I used to be able to do that, but idk what changed. Then all I can do is degrade myself to the point of panic attacks or tears.

Drawing is like, my only “talent” if you can call it that. That’s why even if I want to, I can’t bring myself to give up on it. I WANT to be good at it so bad. People compliment sometimes, but I know it’s fake. There’s no way I can be “good” at this. But I can’t even tell if I’m good or not. My brain distorts my art the same way it does to my body in the mirror. The only thing I have to gauge it is those damn numbers.

It seems like ALL hate i have for anything, I direct back at myself. If something bad happened to me, I definitely deserved it for SOME reason.

I may be a lost cause, but at least I can try and bring other people up. And that’s what I do. That’s why I never like sharing these bad thoughts, I never want to hurt anyone. I don’t want ANYBODY pitying me. I’ve been told I’ve been a huge help sometimes, but it’s so hard to accept that ANYTHING good can come from ME.

Maybe things will change someday. The world feels hopeless in so many ways rn. But if anyone is reading this, I promise things will be amazing for you. You have potential and a bright future ahead of you. And I envy you for that. God bless.❤️❤️❤️

#PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU DONT LIKE NEGATIVE TALK #tw vent #vent #vent post #personal vent #vent art

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atranswomansdiary · 5 months ago

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Day 156

November 8, 2020

“Dies ist der Morgen danach Und meine Seele liegt brach Dies ist der Morgen danach Ein neuer Tag beginnt Und meine Zeit verrint”

So, yeah: it is the morning after.

Things went well, I guess? Not as I expected at all but, in retrospect, I don’t know what the fuck was I thinking about when I imagined things going, let’s put it this way, “smoothly” when it is about things that concern me.

First things first: of course that one of my siblings forgot what I had asked and fucking missed the family meeting! She was kind of apologetic, saying that she really, absolutely had to meet with her boyfriend this very day, but it was still a shitty thing to do, in my opinion. If someone who never does so asks you, explicitly and ahead of time, to please be present for something, I think the least you can do is either commit to it or say outright that you won’t be there. I imagine that she didn’t want to be there because she didn’t want to be part of the family drama? I don’t know and, to be honest, I don’t think it really matters. I don’t think her presence would’ve changed the outcome or the others' reactions.

When I found out about them not being there, I had to make a decision. Either I canceled the whole thing or I moved forward. I decided to be respectful to my other sisters (and to my parents) and just go ahead with the thing.

We ate some lunch, had some chit-chat, and then the time came for me to open up and tell them the reason for the family meeting. Instead of going for some kind of preface or explanation, I chose to go for the Aristotelian line of reasoning. In other words: I started with the conclusion.

So I told them what I had told my (remaining and former) friends: “I’m considering transitioning”.

Let’s start with the positive stuff. My younger sister’s reaction was almost everything I could have hoped for. She asked me the usual questions—”Are you sure? Have you considered whether you're just gay?” Etc.—and, once I reassured them that yes, I was sure of at least considering the possibility, she seemed to be onboard. No drama there—at least not for now.

Speaking of drama: my dad cried. Like a lot. And he never cries. It shocked me and it really threw me off, but it was at least an emotional reaction, and he said it was because he was imagining my suffering. Of course I cried during this part as well. And if that had been all, if this was the full report, I’d say that it went OK. Could’ve been better, but it could’ve been way worse too.

And then we come to the subject of my mom.

Being completely transparent here, this was the reaction that matter to me the most. Not because I love her more than my dad or my sisters, but because she’s the one I have the closest relationship with. We talk almost every day over the phone and we have long conversations. She genuinely cares for me and my well-being, and does everything in her power to help me. She sends me frozen meals cooked by her, she washes my clothes (and sometimes irons them, against my protestations), and is all around just there for me, you know?

And she’s also, in her own words, a Roman Catholic. And a traditionalist and all around conservative. She’s the type of person that complains that life was better before… And she actually means it. She’s not a homophobe, but seeing two homosexuals displaying any signs of affection makes her squirm. She doesn’t practice her religion much… But you wouldn’t know it by listening to her. She is, all in all, a proper baby boomer with a pension that’s a misery but who still thinks that capitalism and our overall system are as good as it's ever going to get.

So now you understand why her reaction was so important to me—and why I dreaded it so much.

I was thinking the other day, trying to see if my memories could help me foresee her reaction… And the results were not great.

I remember two instances where she and I didn’t agree on important issues and it became a problem. The first was about religion—of course! We had many arguments back in the day, when I was young and stupid (I’m no longer young, thank you very much). At one point, it got so bad that I used to either work all weekend or escape to my grandparents’ or a friend’s house in order to avoid arguing with her.

The second time I recall was the time when I told her that I had decided to study philosophy once I was finished with high school. I don’t know why, but she lost it. This time we didn’t argue so much as she just stopped talking to me and looked at me like I had a disease or something for days.

In both instances, things only got better when I gave in. I just stopped saying out loud what I though about religion at home. I kept my ideas in general to myself and to whoever wanted to listen to me. And I didn’t study philosophy after high school.

Come to think of it, there’s another very important thing my mom and I have never agreed upon… And this is the only instance I can think of in which I’ve gone directly against her wishes. My mom doesn’t really like that I’m a writer. She never has. She never asks about it, nor has she never expressed any words of support for me regarding it. In fact, she always asks, “when are you going to get a real job?” whenever she can. And I’ve been pretty serious about writing (at least as much as an asshole like me can be about anything) for the past… Decade? Whoa! Times flies away indeed.

And yet, in spite of her lack of support and constant sabotage, I haven’t given in. And every time she’s been happy because I got a “real job” in the past ten years, for one reason or another, I’ve felt myself dying a little inside.

You can tell I’m delaying the inevitable, can’t you?

So, what happened? Nothing awful. At least not dramatically awful or anything like that. She didn’t disavow of me or ask me to leave, no. She just stood there, by my side, looking straight ahead (and perhaps avoiding looking at me?) and didn’t say a single thing. Not one word came out of her mouth. She didn’t cry like my dad nor asked questions like my sister. She just stood there, stone-faced and seemingly in shock. She said something about it being “my life” and “my business” (or something to that effect) and then avoid talking about it for the rest of the evening.

A part of me wants to believe that she’ll change her attitude regarding this, that maybe one day she’ll say that it’s OK, that she loves me and she’ll embrace me and say something like “I love you just the way you are. I always have and I always will.” Yeah, well, I didn’t say that I was a good writer.

Another part of me, the more cynical or realistic one, tells me that no, that this is it. That I have to continue forward and make my decision—whether to transition or not—regardless of my mom’s support… Or lack thereof. That a decision as important as this one can only be made from my center, from whatever makes me me. That it cannot depend on external approval of any kind, my mom’s included.

So here I am, the morning after, wondering whether this’ll be like religion or me studying philosophy… Or like being a writer. This is perhaps the greatest, cruelest test to my incipient transness. Will I go forward or will I go back? Can I? Today, I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow. Definitely, one day, I hope I will know for sure.

Until then, with love,

#dear diary #journal entry #queer #trans #trans woman #transfem #transgender #transgirl #lgbtqia

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what-if-queen-camilla · 1 year ago

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Chapter 35

New Year's Day 1996

"Do we really have to do that?", Camilla asked for approximately the tenth time and looked at Charles with puppy eyes. It was half past eight in the morning on New Year's Day, and she felt as if they had just gone to bed about an hour before. It had been a really lovely evening with a heavenly menu, fancy drinks and lots of fun and family games and some great dances. Anne and Tim had shown up yesterday, too, as well as some other good friends of the Queen Mother's so they had been quite a lot in the end and it'd been a great party with lots of fun. But today, the part Camilla had been dreading ever since she had received the invitation was planned to go ahead: She'd have to accompany Charles, his sons and the Queen Mother to New Year's Day Service at Crathie Kirk. Of course, Thea was coming, too, so she had to pull herself together even more as she didn't want her poor little daughter to feel afraid as well but deep inside, she was terrified. It was going to be their first ever public outing as a couple, and also Thea's first appearance, she had no idea how the people would react but after everything she'd been through ever since their affair had first become public, she was frightened as hell. "Yes, darling, we have to, but you don't have to be afraid.", Charles tried to reassure her and tenderly stroked her face. She looked so incredibly beautiful and he couldn't wait to finally show the world that this wonderful woman was his, let alone their sweet daughter who was all his pride and joy. "I'll be by your side all the time and protect you if necessary. But it won't be necessary. I promise you.", he added, taking her face into both of his hands, kissing her passionately which made her chuckle. "Darling… behave yourself!", she admonished him jokingly, but looked at him with eyes full of love. She knew exactly that he was just as nervous as she was and usually she was the one to encourage him, so this was sort of new but she thought that he was doing exceptionally well motivating her. She could only hope and pray that he was right and everything was going to alright.

She had commissioned a new, flatteringly tailored, red coat with a bit of tartan on the collar and sleeves, Rothesay Hunting tartan, as Charles was known as the Duke of Rothesay in Scotland, and she knew that it was one of his favourites. Actually, Fiona had talked her into red, she herself would never have chosen such a vibrant colour as she had always preferred to stay as inconspicuous as possible, but her friend had insisted that she had to get out of her comfort zone and shine for her Prince so eventually, she had given in, but wasn't so sure about it anymore when she stood in front of the mirror in their room. It looked good, without a question, but it was also impossible to overlook her now and the last thing she wanted was to overshadow anyone else. At least she wasn't alone in this, as she had commissioned the same coat for Thea as well and her sweet little darling looked like a real Princess when she came down the stairs together with her great-granny, who was regally (and much to Camilla’s relief way more conspicuously than her) dressed in a vibrantly yellow coat with an extravagant fur collar and a giant, matching hat. She herself had opted for a small fascinator and was more than happy to see that she was definitely not going to outshine the old lady, though it was probably not humanly possible to outshine her at all. The Queen Mother was known for her fancy clothes and despite her age, she was the brightest shining star on every stage anyway. Charles had been reading the news as everyone else had been getting ready and gasped for a few seconds as he first caught a glance of his two favourite ladies in their matching coats with his beloved Rothesay Hunting tartan. "Oh my God…", he whispered and didn't even know where to look first. "You both look absolutely beautiful!", he gushed, tenderly putting his hand around Camilla’s waist, trying to pull her closer, but she winced and kept her distance. William and Harry were going to come down every moment and she didn't want them to have to see them like that, not yet, not after yesterday's dispute, not to speak of the Queen Mother's presence that would have made her feel deeply uncomfortable displaying affection. She looked at him excusing and hoped he'd understand. And indeed, the boys came down just seconds later, both dressed in dashing suits like their father. "Looking good!", William said to Thea and the little girl blushed which made Camilla smile. She had been such a good girl ever since their arrival, she had been behaving so well and to see how sweetly and lovingly she had already bonded with her great-grandmother, and how kind the old lady was to her, made Camilla’s heart almost burst with pride and joy.

They departed to Crathie Kirk in two cars; one was carrying Charles and the boys and the second one the Queen Mother, Thea and herself. As their visit had not been announced and nobody expected members of the Royal Family in Scotland on New Year's Day, it was just the usual handful of faithful members of the community who showed up for the service, but of course their eyes widened as they realised who came out of the black Audi that had just stopped in front of the church: Charles had driven the three of them himself and the ladies had had a driver, and once their car had parked next to the black Audi, the Prince immediately rushed over and first helped his grandmother out, and then gave his girlfriend a helping hand, much to the enchantment of the onlookers, who had gathered together at the entrance of the church and watched the scenes with great curiosity. Thank goodness, there were no photographers or reporters around, but Camilla noticed two of the younger attendees leaving the area and heading towards the village again, there'd most certainly be more attention when they were going to depart after the service but she didn't want to think about that now, it was already nerve-wracking enough just trying to follow Charles as unobtrusive as possible without stumbling and falling over her own feet as they made their way to the entrance of the church, where the priest, who was just as surprised to see them as everyone else, welcome them kindly, first the Queen Mother, then Charles and then boys: "Happy New Year, Your Majesty, Your Royal Highnesses.", before bending over to her and Thea, kindly wishing them both a happy new year as well. "Thank you and the same to you!", Camilla replied, rather automatically, and hoped it had been alright. They followed the party inside of the church and took their seats in the first row, with the security officers who were accompanying the four royals sitting down right behind them.

The service lasted for about an hour and somehow, it helped Camia to calm down. The music was beautiful and the prayers and readings had something meditative, but her nervousness returned as they got up and made their way up the aisle again, as she knew exactly that all eyes were on them, especially her. She tried not to think about it, but she couldn't avoid the glances and smiles the people in the back rows gave her as they walked past them. Surely, not everyone gave her smile, some didn't even look at her, two or three older women gave her a rather judging glance, but most of them happily smiled and waved at them which was quite a wonderful experience. However, as the doors flung open for them to exit, her heart stopped beating for a few seconds, as, for a small village like Crathie, quite a massive crowd had gathered in front of the church, excitedly cheering at members of their royal family. Camilla remembered the two youngsters who had gone back to the village after their arrival - they'd probably let everyone know and apparently brought the whole village here. Thank God they had the Queen Mother with them, who never minded meeting people and immediately rushed over to one side, pulling all of her three great-grandchildren with her. The Queen Mother couldn't have been more delighted and excited to introduce her sweet little great-granddaughter to the community of the village that has always meant so much to her and, much to Charles and Camilla's relief, who watched the scene from the corner or their eyes, everyone seemed enchanted by their little darling. Thea wasn't a naturally shy child but of course this completely new situation and all of the strangers were intimidating and she hid behind her great-grandmother at first, until William took her by the hand and sweetly walked side-by-side with her behind the Queen Mother. Charles' heart almost exploded at these wonderful scenes and, in contrast to Camilla, he didn't even seem to notice that Harry, who was walking behind William and Thea, carrying the Queen Mother's walking stick, didn't look too happy at all. But before she could've thought twice about it, Charles motioned for her to follow him to greet the people lining the other side of the path, but she just looked at him in panic. "Darling, no…", her lips formed silently, but he just nodded reassuringly and tenderly patted her back, gently pushing her in the right direction. The public reaction was overwhelming and Camilla felt like in a movie or something as she slowly made her way along the well-wishers, terrified at first, but all of the smiles and handshakes and good wishes made her feel more secure, confident and comfortable after few minutes. One women handed flowers to her, an exceptionally lovely posy, explaining to her that she had been given them for her birthday on the 30th but wanted her to have them instead. "I'd have bought some for you but the shops are all closed…", she explained and Camilla laughed. She couldn't believe how kind and lovely they all were, she'd expected them to hate her but in fact it was quite the opposite. Of course, it was only just the reaction of one small village, and didn't represent the whole United Kingdom, but given Crathie's special and long-standing connection to the Royal Family, it seemed quite an important and significant one and that made her incredibly happy, especially the warmth they had welcomed Thea with, who couldn't stop talking about her experience all afternoon, her eyes lit up in excitement.

They were having tea in the Queen Mother's drawing room after they had returned to Birkhall. The boys had left the party in order to join their cousins and Laura for a few more games without the adults, so it was only Charles, Camilla and Thea joining the Queen Mother. It was lovely, but though it was only just early afternoon, Camilla was so tired she could have fallen asleep immediately. It'd been a wonderful morning but quite a lot to take in. "Your Majesty, darling -", she asked the Queen Mother and the Prince. "I'm genuinely sorry but I'm afraid I… I have to lay down for a little while.", she said, desperately trying to suppress a heartfelt yawn, much to the Queen Mother's amusement. "Don't worry, my dear, it's been quite a morning, hasn't it?", the old lady asked and Camilla nodded smilingly. "Just go upstairs and rest for a few hours, see you at dinner tonight.", she said, and Camilla got up, questioning looking at Thea, asking: "What about you, sweetie? Wanna come with me or stay here?" Thea happily jumped up and over to Charles, throwing herself onto him, which caused all of them laughing, before she declared: "I'll stay with Daddy!"

Camilla actually did have a red coat with Rothesay Hunting tartan on the collar and sleeves made for their honeymoon in 2005. In the story, I imagine her to wear exactly this outfit and a smaller version of it for Thea ❤️

#king charles #queen camilla #royal family #royal baby #fanfiction #fanfic #queen mother #prince william

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skyland2703 · 1 year ago

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Here’s some BillySkull ABSOLUTE SOFTNESS Headcanons and soft things

They do so many affectionate things. Things that just become custom. For them. Like they don’t even realise they’re holding hands, warm hugs, just. Staring at each other. Admiring each other.

The way Billy Looks at Skull. He’s never realised it himself, but one day, Kim was clicking pictures, when the entire team + bulk and skull + Kat, Adam, Rocky Aisha, were out on a picnic, and she’d brought along her Polaroid camera, and was just doing random candid shots of the friends— and then this one shot popped up, where Skull was on the barbecue grill, having the time of his life, with the biggest grin imaginable, and there was Billy, standing in the background, arms folded across the chest, and just… just staring at him. Admiring him. Simping for him.

They put that Polaroid on their refrigerator.

Billy never says this, but he notices every little mannerism of Skull. The way his eyes become adorably big, and widen a little when he listened to billy ranting about things Skull didn’t understand, the way the corners of his lips turned up before showing the most beautiful smile, the way his hair looked in the morning, the way his voice always sounded a little too high pitched. Billy notices everything. Billy cherishes everything.

Back in Highschool, for fulfilling credit requirements, Billy was required to join music class, because he was lacking the extra curricular credits because of ranger things. The first second he entered the practice Room, he realised he didn’t know a single person in there. Filled with dread, he took his seat, his introvert tendencies feeling more and more useless, every second.

Then a boy popped in, completely drenched, with ONE dry Spot on him, his hair dripping over his face, holding a trombone, and wordlessly sat in an empty seat in front of Billy. It was when he spoke, did billy realise— he’d been thrown off by the spiky jacket, yes, but a confirmation was nice— it was Skull. The only person who he actually knew in the entire class. and he decided to just stick next to him…. For the rest of the semester.

And Skull took him under his wing, like a mother hen.

Little Spike Skullovitch actually really adored Uncle Billy. He was the one who suggested he get together with Skull. Spike was eight, when Billy and Skull met again, years after being apart. And somehow, Spike immediately took a liking to him, and went “MINE!”

Billy loves spending time with Spike. While Skull is somewhat of the “discipline” Dad, Billy is the “Chill” dad. Spike loves arranging Little flowers in Billy’s hair, every time they’re out in a field of flowers.

They’re out in a field of flowers once in a few weeks anyway, btw. Billy saw some videos and got inspired to just. Hike. He’s discovered this really beautiful hill nearby, and while he’s a ranger who can teleport, he always hikes to these spots— with Skull, with Spike. Skull sometimes asks him to teleport him back home, when there’s a climb ahead, but billy is always like “NO THE FUN OF IT IS IN COMPLETING THE TREK”

As if Skull is the one screaming and howling in knee pain at nights.

Skull gets tired easily, but he’s more fit. At least he doesn’t have joint pain from mid thirties. “God— are you a ranger or am i—“

When billy got stuck on another planet, with the Cosmic Fury team, Skull went into a full blown panic, because “HE IS NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE OR HIS COMMS THAT IS NOT LIKE HIM Q_Q”

when they got the systems working again, Billy had to spend an entire two hours convincing his panicky husband, that they’re okay, he’s OKAYYYYY~

Oh and while billy shut himself up in the workshop for working on the cosmic morphers??? He had Skull on videocall the entire time.

The ULTIMATE long distance relationship. They did ALL THEIR WORK together that day :3

Every time Skull cooks, Billy is always sitting on the granite kitchen slab, juuuuust smiling at him, and annoying him, and eating sugar from the little box that’s labelled “Coffee”, because it got messed up once, and nobody bothered to change it.

And Bonus:

One of the only things that keeps Skull sane, in the world of the Coinless, is a Little Blue Ghostie, that floats around him, talks to him, pulls him back, when he feels like jumping off cliffs, reminds him to eat properly, hugs him when life feels wrong, and shares his bed, always giving him a feathery light, soft, but comforting touch. And sometimes hammering some sense into him.

And DOUBLE BONUS:

Skull: OMG I FINALLY DID THE THING!!!

Billy: what thing??

Skull: THE THING I BEEN PROCRASTINATING ON FOR SO LONG!!!

Billy: Oh Nice! Was it difficult??

Skull:

Skull: it took me like, two mins.

#Billy Cranston #Eugene Skullovitch #Spike Skullovitch #ALL THE FLOOF #power rangers #Mighty Morphin Power Rangers #boom! comics #power rangers Boom!comics #Billy x Skull #BillySkull #ONLY SOFT FLOOOOFIESSSS

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come-away-with-me87 · 8 months ago

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Love & Angst Chapter 10

Chapter 9 here

Warning: Just some more angst and sadness for poor Y/N. This chapter is based on the song "Without a Word" by Birdy.

******

"Stand there and look into my eyes And tell me that all we had were lies Show me that to you it don't count And I'll stand here if you prefer Yes I'll leave you without a word Without a word"

******

You woke up the next morning feeling very groggy, and with a headache worthy of a hangover. You knew the headache was from all that sobbing the night before, though. You went to your bathroom and grabbed some ibuprofen from your medicine cabinet. You remembered you left your phone on Do Not Disturb the night before. You couldn't lie to yourself, there was a small glimmer of hope in you that you would have a text from Shouta saying he made a huge mistake. Alas, that wasn't the case. Instead, you had six missed calls and even more text messages from Naomi. "CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS" her last message stated. You knew she loved you and meant well, but you were still processing everything yourself, and didn't feel ready to talk about it yet with anyone.

As a courtesy to your best friend, you did call her, to which she picked up on the second ring. "ARE YOU OKAY, Y/N?!? Boss said you called off for the entire weekend! And that is NOT like you." All you told her was that Shouta broke up with you last night, but you weren't ready to talk about the details yet. You did promise her, however, that you would have her over soon and explain everything that happened. That seemed to appease her enough, and made you promise to talk about it with her soon and not let it fester all alone in your head. You made that promise to her. You two exchanged I love you's, and hung up the phone.

You decided against a shower and even changing out of your night clothes that morning. You went downstairs to make some coffee to see if that would also help with the headache. You had absolutely no appetite, so you didn't bother with breakfast. After drinking your cup of coffee, you went straight to your couch, laid down, and just stared straight ahead at the television that wasn't playing anything. And this is how you were for the entire weekend. You only got up to use the restroom, or to feed your cats. You still had no appetite, but you forced yourself to eat something small here and there so you wouldn't get sick.

You should have had Naomi come over, but instead did exactly what she didn't want you to do; let it fester in your head, all alone. Shouta said that you did nothing wrong, but you had to do *something* to make him break up with you. To fall out of love with you. The thought of that made you feel physically sick to your stomach, and you ended up running to your bathroom to throw up. Still, instead of calling Naomi, you went right back to your couch and laid in the same position. What went wrong? You were so happy and good together. You thought this was it for you; no man could ever make you feel the way he did. But suddenly, he didn't love you anymore. How does that even happen? You just laid there and stayed with these thoughts until it was time to go to bed.

You couldn't call off of your job from city hall on Monday; you had to go back to work and have some semblance of normalcy. You got ready for bed, and once again fell into a restless sleep where you tossed and turned all night. You got up the next morning to get ready for work. Normally, you loved your job at city hall, but today you were dreading going in. Nevertheless, you got ready for your day. You put the absolute minimum into your appearance that day, said goodbye to your cats, as you did every morning, and got into your car to go to work.

Thankfully for you, the workday was uneventful. You got home around 4:30pm, and thought to yourself that you left Naomi hanging long enough after not talking to her [or anyone] all weekend. You sent her a message asking if she wanted to come over that night, and you would explain everything that happened. She readily agreed, and said she would be there within the hour.

As expected, Naomi arrived to your house before the hour was over. The second you opened your door to welcome her in, she gave you the biggest bear hug. You couldn't help yourself at that point; you burst into tears the moment you hugged her back. "Oh, honey..." she exclaimed sadly, "come on, let's go talk." You two went inside and sat on your couch, where you told her everything that happened three nights before. How Shouta unexpectedly showed up to your house, how he seemed indifferent and monotone, how he came to the "realization" that he didn't want to be with you anymore, and worst of all when you asked him if he loved you, his replying that he didn't.

Needless to say, Naomi couldn't stay quiet after hearing all of this, calling Shouta every name in the book. You just let her go on; you knew she was saying all of this because she cared for you. Once she was done, she just looked at you and said, "I'm so sorry, Y/N. You don't deserve this." You just started crying again, leaning into her shoulder and practically soaking her shirt. After that, you two just sat there like that for a while. "Do you want me to stay with you tonight? I don't want to see you be alone," she asked. You thanked her for her sweet gesture, but told her would be okay by yourself. If you were able to get through the weekend, which was treacherous on its own, you could get through the next nights by yourself.

You two talked a little more, and said your goodbyes to each other. Before she walked out the door, though, she said "I mean it, if you need *anything*, I'm here. I don't care what time of day or night it is, I'll be there." You heart swelled up at that statement, and for the first time in three days, you cracked a small smile. "Thank you, Naomi, I love you." "I love you, too, Y/N." You two hugged one more time, and said your goodbyes again. You watched her get safely to her car, then closed and locked your front door. You then got ready for bed, knowing full well you had another restless night of sleep ahead of you. Little did you know, there was a figure keeping out of sight at the end of your street, watching your entire exchange at the door with Naomi.

******

To be continued!

#aizawa shota #aizawa #shota aizawa #aizawa angst #aizawa shota x reader #aizawa x y/n #eraserhead #bnha shouta aizawa #mha aizawa #shouta aizawa x reader #aizawa shouta x reader #aizawa shouta #shouta aizawa #aizawa shota x you #eraserhead x reader

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aonoexpat · 1 year ago

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05-11-2023 (3/3)

After getting Elrond back in working order, I said goodbye to Motueka (and a little baby Pīwakawaka who came to say goodbye back) and went on my way to Elaine Bay. I made a brief stop in Whakatū to get some groceries, and then drove down the road I mentioned in yesterday's post, which offered stunning views that were hard to photograph:

I had to fight not to get out of my car for photos at every turn. I spent the night there and in the morning I went back out to the water. The sun was shining brightly now and the water was just as clear as the night before, which meant I could see the fish, the starfish, and the absolutely massive stingrays I had been wise to avoid encountering in the dark last night:

I enjoyed the (still) lovely sunny weather by going on my last hike of the island: Pīwakawaka track, which led to a very peaceful little beach in about 45 minutes one way:

And despite my reluctance, after having lunch (cooking in Elrond for the last time) I had to get back on the road. I managed to take some more pretty pictures of the view:

I'll admit, I was very emotional during the hike and the drive. It really feels like the end of an era, and even though part of me never wants to leave, I feel like it's a good thing that it's ending. I have been alone for too long, and today I really felt that. Not only have I been physically alone, and dealing with a lot of stressful things, but this trip has also forced me out of my sociopolitical bubble and that has been unsettling to say the least. It has made me think a lot about what I find important, what home means to me, and how I want to live my life going forward. It's like I've stepped out of my comfort zone, and now have lost all sense of where it's supposed to be. I crave to go back, I'm homesick, but I know I've changed. I still am changing. I don't know what my comfort zone is supposed to look like anymore. I'm sure I'll find it again eventually, but that is a scary feeling. A feeling that makes me look forward to being hugged again, and having at least a little more normalcy and luxury than I have now. But that also makes it scary to step into a new chapter.

As I drove and listened to harmonious, pensive music, the clouds rolled in and it started raining. It didn't stop until about an hour ago. I still couldn't resist getting out of the car to take a photo at one of my trip's very first stops, Pelorus bridge:

I could almost see myself from four months ago right there, hanging out on the rocks and taking pictures. Feeling nervous and excited, the whole trip ahead of me. But also a lot less experienced, a lot more nervous about driving still, and in no way yet used to van life. I may still have so much to learn, but those things I feel like I well and truly have conquered, and I'm pretty proud of that.

I completed the way to Waitohi, recognising some stops along the way where I once stopped and took pictures and hiked. And then I finally made it to my first - and now also last - camping spot. I got myself some food, saw a familiar face (and told him how I remembered him, and he had made me feel welcome on my first day), and ate in Elrond while watching my favourite series. Now I'm just dreading the six minute walk to the closest public toilet, but I'll undertake that journey after finishing up all these posts!

Tomorrow I will take the boat back to Te Ikaroa, and hopefully get some rest. I'm already mentally preparing for the seasickness. I just hope the weather will stay dry now, and I can enjoy the views from the boat like I did last time!

For now, sweet dreams to Aotearoa, good afternoon to Europe. You'll hear from me again soon I hope!

#aotearoa #backpacking #van life

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nonhumen · 2 years ago

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anonymous : Does Dazai actually hate Chuuya or is he just full of it?

this is not a simple yes or no question. dazai is incapable of understanding his own emotions, especially during his teen years when they were partners. but there are two undisputable facts about dazai and chuuya: 1. chuuya annoys the hell out of him. 2. he developed a personality after meeting him.

dazai was nothing but a suicidal, antisocial child with the inability to make connections was other. he was quiet and hollow and spoke with a voice of boredom at the world around him. even when mori ordered him around he never really fought back, believing that nothing was ever worth the effort. and then chuuya came (literally) barreling into his life with a boisterous personality that dazai couldn't stand. and that would have been that if they hadn't met again.

but they did meet again. better yet, they were forced to work together. and this is the first time we see any sort of emotion out of dazai. he protests against working with him. he sasses chuuya whenever he says anything. he's snarky and sarcastic and diabolically childish. for the first time in his life, he has something worth making the effort for. unfortunately for chuuya, it's annoying the ever living daylights out of him.

i do believe that for most of their partnership, dazai believed that he hated chuuya but it was never anything of the sort. he needed chuuya, he needed what he gave him. he needed that spark of life.

okay, i'm going to go off on a little tangent but i promise that it's the best and most succinct example of how i see their relationship. so i'm gonna talk about chainsaw man for a second (makima is technically on this blog so i'm allowed).

minor manga spoilers ahead but nothing too crazy.

so for context, the trio is travelling together to visit aki's family grave. denji and power are being an absolute menace and aki spends the majority of the trip babysitting them. that night, is reflecting on the events of the day and tells denji this:

now take this day trip and apply it to dazai's entire life. it isn't a bad day that he dreads, it's every day. waking up in the morning is nothing short of depressing. he is constantly drowning, with no will to live and a horribly large tally of attempted suicides under his belt. and chuuya? chuuya is his pest. chuuya keeps him from getting lost in all of that. chuuya makes his burdens a little lighter.

of course, dazai doesn't realize this until it's all gone, until he's run from the mafia and in hiding for those two years. during then, he had nothing but time to get lost in the bad things. there was no buffer, no person to be annoying to distract him from the unending pain of living. dazai told ango that everything worth wanting is lost the moment i obtain it and i truly believe he thinks that because despite his incredibly sharp mind, dazai's own heart is a mystery to him. i don't think he ever realized that chuuya was his friend (or love if you're skk trash like me) until that friend was no longer there.

so no, he doesn't hate chuuya, but it took him their entire partnership to realize that fact.

#ooc.#𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈 : KILL AND LOVE ARE THE SAME FOUR LETTER WORD / DAZAI & CHUUYA #do you ever just cry about them for 8 paragraphs #if i see any personals reblogging this i will block on sight #𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈 : WAKE ME FROM THIS OXIDIZING WORLD OF A DREAM / CHARACTER STUDY

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thedovahcat · 2 years ago

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Gorillas and the Barely Touched Transference of Credits

Finally went over to the student login page to see what on my transcript counted towards GEs. Shockingly or not, only 4 classes out of my whole degree were transferable towards the GE’s.

On one hand I’m not too shocked, and on the other I sort of am. Looking over it again, I’m going to have to ask an advisor about at least one or two of them, any class I can get knocked off will be immensely helpful. What I really am bummed about is my Geometry class not transfering but...For the best really. I’m practicing maths right now so that will take care of that.

I’ll need to schedule that math-English-grammar assessment test thing soon, I took a practice test just to gauge where I’m at right now and I scored 80% so, not bad! Just gotta keep periodically doing it and re-taking it.

AND I got a 100% on my quiz and unit test for math today earlier this morning. Overall the day’s been pretty all right! I just feel overwhelmed at how much is happening so fast and needing to go from 0 to 100 with all these paper signings and preparings and what have you.

Dad asked me again today if I’m sure I don’t want to just put the money I’m spending towards my mental health assessment into college again, but I stood firm on that. I’m still really nervous that I’m going to be brushed off and told I’m as normal as they come. Cuz then it really WILL feel like a waste, but, talking with some mutuals really helps me a lot. They’re able to tell me what they know/offer advice and reassure that I’m not just faking all this for attention. It’s such a hard thing to grasp and now I understand why people struggle so much with it. This is all new territory for me so... yeah. It’s just wild.

FAFSA is kind of a bust this year because I worked two years ago but I expected that unfortunately, and no word on the scholarships yet. Money really frightens me right now but I’m absolutely against loans at the moment. I have enough to swing it but it’s going to hurt. Still, you put in a fair chunk of money going to school in hopes you’ll be able to make it all back and more later on.

I’m really nervous about all the studying that lies ahead. After counting everything I’ll be in CC for at least 2 years just plowing through GE’s, which will be nothing but busy work for me. That much I’m certain of. So...the next two years at minimum are decided for me, generally speaking. I don’t know, I still somehow feel like...a sense of dread about it. Like I’m wasting my time, but I’m absolutely -not!-. Mostly a big fear I have is by the time I get out of school and get into work, the pets are going to start keeling over just like when I graduated college and got my first job. I only got to enjoy a few months of that before everyone started like...dying to disease around here. Tato’s going to be 6 years old this February and I’m glad he’s doing well! Him and Riley are both being taken care of so much more carefully and more prompt..ly.. than the other two were. Not that we didn’t care, but we didn’t know! First time long-time cat owners and all. Now we’ve learned. I hope they’re both around for a long long time and get to see the days when I have a good job and everything is going well!

So there’s that.. Every day that goes by too I’m able to hide less and less in my video games and that’s really scary for me as well. Things are starting to ‘lose their color’ if you would, I’m just...bored. And I don’t want to be bored, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve talked about this kind of thing before. And like I’ve told myself, this is the low point right now, the preparation, the quiet. Once all this is set up and I actually start, things will be on the up again. They always are. I hope me and my friends are all in better places and still alive by that point in time certainly!

In some other minor, brighter news, I just have my new motherboard to recieve in the mail before I can start putting in the new parts into my computer! I’ve been needing to beef this thing up, it’s 7 years old now. And if I’m diving into computers, yeah, that was a necessary and good decision. Need to stop by Best Buy tomorrow. I should probably get a webcam.

So...just gotta wait for Wednesday mental assessment now! And see how I feel after that. I really really want to open commissions and right now I’m expecting to after that’s all taken care of! If I need more time to recover though of course. I’m going to give myself that time. Learning to give myself time away from things and forcing myself to preoccupy my time and attention with more important and usually often IRL things has been a learning experience. I can’t say I’m crazy about it, but... You gotta do what you gotta do.

Anyway! A little status report...a long status report. But, today things are OK. Thank god.

#math and gorillas

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lizzygrantarchives · 2 years ago

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Interview Magazine, February 14, 2023

FRIDAY 12:30 PM JAN. 13, 2023 LA

LANA DEL REY: How’s it going, sweet girl?

BILLIE EILISH: Lana, dude. Thank you for thinking of me. I am absolutely stoked out of my fucking mind.

[Laughs]

You were my lock screen on the first phone I ever got.

Oh my god.

I knew for months before I got my first iPhone that it was going to be that fucking photo of you with the bee on your lip.

You know what’s funny? That bee picture was for Interview Germany.

No way. I remember showing everybody. I grew up homeschooled, but we still had…

I’m so fucking jealous of that.

It was pretty tight, but we still had talent shows even though we didn’t have a school. I was all up in the talent show singing your stuff.

What?!

Dude, come on.

Do we have any footage? [Laughs]

Oh yeah. I sang “Brooklyn Baby” at the last one I did. I’d film myself covering your songs and pretend that I was gonna blow up on YouTube from them, and then they’d get two views.

And you did.

No I didn’t! [Laughs]

Well, later in life. I remember seeing the first videos of you singing and I said to my managers, “She’s the one.”

Oh my god.

I was like, “This is the girl. She isn’t just talented. You can tell she’s kind.” It didn’t feel like you were aspiring to be anything. It’s crazy to have that magical quality.

Lana, please. We’re here to talk about you, for the love of god. You’re putting out another album [Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd]. How are you feeling? Are you dreading it? Are you excited? Are you nervous?

All of it, as usual. At first, I was super excited because I started it with Mike Hermosa, a DP and cameraman who, as far as I knew, was not a musician. Every Sunday morning, he’d lie around and play these licks on his guitar. One day, I was like, “Do you think I could record that?” Then I’d sit down and start singing. After five months we went into the studio with the guys I know from Echo Park, like Drew Erickson, Benji, and Zach Dawes. Later, I found out they were composing for all these great people like Weyes Blood and Father John Misty and Pink Floyd. Mike was like, “I’ve never been in a studio, so I don’t really feel like I should be a session player.” And I was like, “I know it’s a lot to go into that ISO booth and play what we have been playing for fun, but just try it.” Then Drew would come in and record these beautiful strings. I would talk about wanting a little bit of a spiritual element and we talked about working with Melodye [Perry] and Pattie [Howard] and a couple of women who had toured with Whitney Houston, which was just unfathomable to me that I could be in the same room with them. So that started building one element of the sound for maybe one-fifth of the album.

Amazing.

For those nine months, I was as comfy as could be. Then, things started leaking and I wasn’t sure how. It brought back all this weird tension of, “I know it’s not about money, but what else are they seeing if they can somehow transcribe all the words in the song?” I started getting nervous about peripheral things, and then I told everyone I wanted to wait until August because I wasn’t feeling ready. Then, as things started to leak, I thought, “You know what? It has been done for a year, so I’ll just move ahead with it.”

Wow.

I feel differently on different days. It’s all about the process, not so much the results. Now, I feel good about it. The shoot we just had, that was the biggest production I’ve ever been on and it went so well. I was nervous about the interview, because when me and Mel [Ottenberg, Interview’s editor-in-chief] talked about it, I was like, it could only be only Billie or John Waters. When they said you wanted to do it, I was so happy.

I can’t believe you even thought of me. But dude, this has been done for a year?

September 2022 was the very last song I wrote. It’s a song called “Margaret,” about Jack Antonoff’s fiance [Margaret Qualley]. I was like, “You know what? I want to write a song for him.” It lands right in the middle of the album. It’s funny, this album felt totally effortless. When I did Norman Fucking Rockwell! it was about world-building, whereas this was straight vibing.

I love that. You can hear it in the music that you’re feeling yourself. It feels like you’re comfortable. You sound like you’re surrounded by good people. I would love to hear, specifically with this album, and also in general, how much of your writing is based on reality or fantasy or other people’s experiences. That was one of my biggest inspirations from you—your storytelling abilities and your ability to write from a character’s point of view. I find it a lot easier to write a song if it’s not about my life and if it’s not true. [Laughs]

Which is funny because they sound like they’re straight from you. Last night, I had a conversation with my friend Jack. Something had happened when he was in New York and he was telling me about it, and we were kind of worried. He was like, “I know you get it because you’ve gone through dot-dot-dot. You’re so brave.” I laughed and I was like, “Brave is the last word I would use to describe myself.” So much of my life is sitting at my metaphorical desk alone and writing. But with this album, the majority of it is my innermost thoughts. Some of the songs are super long and wordy like “Kintsugi” and “Fingertips.” I was almost nervous to send the voice notes to Drew Erickson.

Yeah.

I’d go on a seven-minute rant with a repetitive melody. It would be exactly what I was thinking about, mostly family and whether everything was going to pan out alright in the end. I had been reading so many articles that my father and I followed up on over the last ten years about the discovery of telomeres and the extinction of death and how we’ve always been edging towards this point in science where that would be a possibility. With my dad and my brother and sister all living together, that was on my mind. So much of this album is based on the concerns or hopes in my mind. With past stuff, I would talk about the garden of evil and good and bad, but I really was meeting some characters. Like they used to say, “When girls got to Hollywood, they were fresh off the boat.” I didn’t hear that term until later, but I did meet some people that I thought were really cool who were like, “Do you want to go to the Guns N’ Roses concert?” And I would be like, “Yeah.” Then, somehow I would be sitting in a garden and I would see David Lynch behind a red curtain with a cigarette. Some of the people I was hanging out with, I found out later, were unsavory characters, and so they played a part in the writing.

Right.

For instance, when I got to L.A. I was mostly touring. I didn’t know that many people. It took me a long time to figure out where my roots were. I had a lot of random experiences that I wrote about, and at the time, they made me really happy because I was like, “I’m not just watching someone else live their life, I’m living my life,” which was new for me because I’ve always been so shy. I don’t write well when I’m not happy, which is funny because there is a blue tone to the songs. It was like 90 percent reality. I think the storytelling vibe that people get is because I was just in awe of the things that were going on. Coming from a farming town, L.A. was never a possibility. My brother and sister and I always say, every time we drive through a perfectly symmetrical palm tree lane, we feel like we’re on a set. Maybe it was my lens on how heightened everything felt. God, I’m very long-winded. I just recently realized that I talk a lot.

[Laughs] I love it. I feel like I’ve never listened harder in my life. I feel like a student.

That makes me so happy. The one good thing about listening to this class is that I’m a trustworthy teacher. If anyone ever wants to learn how to get through a storm and know that all things pass, I can teach that class. [Laughs]

Yeah, man. You’ve also been doing this for so long.

I was just thinking about that.

I’m really curious, and you can feel free to say fuck off, but you are so romanticized online, specifically different eras of you and your music and your visuals. You were always the coolest of the cool in my world, but I was wondering if having older versions of yourself romanticized later in life might give you this feeling of, “When I was doing that, you guys did not give me that same validation and gratification.”

Yes. I was thinking about this last night actually, if it’s better to be initiated into that club where it’s like, “She’s wonderful,” right away. Once things grew on YouTube, I expected that there was going to be this very niche lane where I knew that I could thrive, but it didn’t really go that way. I quickly shifted right into the middle lane where everyone could see it and could hear the music. As soon as that happened, I knew I was in for it, but I didn’t know to what extent. In the beginning, I was following the mantra: “It’s all about how you feel, not about what other people think.” I had never thought that one day Bruce Springsteen would say something like, “I think she’s one of the most beautiful American songwriters” after Sasha Frere-Jones said, “Change your name, change your face, and try a new career,” and Jon Caramanica was going off about whatever—this was in The New Yorker and New York magazine, and I lived in New York. [Ed. note: The previous quote cannot verifiably be attributed to Sasha Frere-Jones. You can read his 2012 New Yorker piece on Ms. Del Rey here.] All of a sudden, I was walking down the street as I always did, and people would throw elbows at me. I was like, “Oh my god, no way did that actually happen. Someone recognized me and gave me a shove.” Or in San Francisco, I was eating at a bistro and a woman threw a book about feminism at my face. I thought I was completely in for it. I thought that all I could do was just keep touring. So, I toured for nine years and kept my head down. I didn’t think anything could ever get elevated to the point where, for instance, Interview magazine would say, “You’re on the cover.” Even still, it’s like, “Really?”

No way.

When things shift radically in your life you have to almost want to have a radical perspective shift. You can’t force it, but if you stay calm, all of a sudden, it comes. I know that the process I went through is not the process a lot of people went through. Everyone gets their fair share of think pieces, but there were definitely some 60-page articles about me being the face of feminine submission and the pro-domestic whatever. That was quite tough, because at the time, I was just trying to figure things out. Now, you hear a lot of singer-songwriters and rappers talking about how things really are in their lives, and a lot of it is super messy. And everyone’s like, “The storytelling is amazing, and I love that they’re baring it all.” I always felt with me that there was some catch-22 and I wasn’t sure what it was for a long time. Then, I cracked the code and realized they were tapping into the fact that there was something a little weird and different going on with me, but I didn’t really know that. And so it actually was a blessing because I got to figure out what they were tuning into—what they said was so dark—that I didn’t see. I was like, “What are they seeing in this shadow side that I’m not seeing?” That opened a door for me to think about the way everything had gone from when I was little up until now. And so, that was a very shrouded gift.

It’s so fascinating to hear you talk about that. I relate to so much of it. And also, this was all happening to you in such a different time.

The era was definitely different. I remember talking to friends at that time where they were like, “Are you afraid to make one misstep?” I was like, “Yeah, I do feel like one wrong step could ruin everything.” That’s why I was very tentative and didn’t talk too much. Whereas now, people have all these brand deals and things where it doesn’t really matter if something goes wrong, because there’s always the next thing.

But also, they don’t ever let anything go. You literally can’t make a single mistake ever. No matter what you do to redeem yourself, it doesn’t matter. They decide that’s who you are and that you deserve death.

Right. I think that also, people are being a lot more careful with what they say. I remember my first big interview with Rolling Stone for Ultraviolence. He asked me about the song “Sad Girl.” Where it goes: [sings] “I’m a sad girl, I’m a sad girl, I’m a sad girl.” He said, “At 29, don’t you feel uncomfortable calling yourself a girl?” I was like, “You mean instead of?” And he said, “Well, a woman. I mean, you’re like 30.” I was really caught off guard because I wanted to talk about how I mixed my own album with this guy Robert Orton. Then, I said, “Well, what about that Jennifer Lopez song [‘Girls’] or the Beyoncé song ‘Girls Run the World’? I think she’s older than me.” And he was like, “That’s different. That’s a fun song.” I don’t feel like those kinds of questions get asked anymore. For me, it was trial by fire. It’s definitely a different era now.

I have trouble remembering this when I feel very hated and disliked.

Which is such a crazy concept to me with you, but yes.

Well, you should know that in my eyes, you could do no wrong. But I have this inevitable feeling of, “Oh, everyone hates me.” With the world of TikTok and social media, there is a level where it’s kind of true, because there are these videos. I’m lying in bed last night, and I go on TikTok because I’m falling asleep, and I just want to be mindless for a second, watch some funny videos.

Totally.

I keep scrolling and I’m thinking, “Billie, put your phone away. You’re getting tired.” Then I swipe to the next one and it’s a video with millions of likes and it’s something about how I’m a horrible person. And all these comments are like, “I’m so glad that you guys are seeing through her.” And I’m like, “Damn.”

That is so hard for me to fathom. You know what I think? It’s always the nice ones. [Laughs] I feel you’re almost—I don’t know what the word is, not impermeable, but it’s almost like there’s a shield around you. I think that’s because you have revealed so much that there is nothing to say about you. With me, if people feel like there’s a veneer, there’s so much to reflect off of that. I’ve never read anything crazy about you until, of course, anytime dating comes into the picture, that’s whenever things get crazy for me, but then it goes away. But I always felt like there’s just such a warmth there between you and your family. It just made me feel like you’ve got that shield.

I do. It’s really true. You need to shut up about me because you’re being too serious. [Laughs]

I’m going to stop.

Also, you should know that any time you ever felt like any part of the world was against you, nobody else thought that. Because I find myself thinking everybody hates me when really, that’s such a tiny sliver of reality.

It can definitely limit your beliefs in terms of what the future holds. It’s like, “Is the way people talk about me going to change the way people relate to me every day?” Because every day is still so normal for me. I mean, there are things that are not normal, but I wanted to have the same encounters and be able to observe people in a coffee shop the way anyone would. If your circumstances are negative, of course you have to accept that, but it’s so important to not focus on a negative situation that you don’t really have anything to do with. It’s a ride that you’re on, and you have to just keep on tuning in to what you want.

Right.

Sometimes what I wanted was to move and be in the Midwest, and that clashed with what people thought was right. I had to dig really deep into my gut and be like, “Do you really want to do this? Do you want to make a career change?” Because I love to sing, but it’s been, like, 16 years or something. I felt like I had made this deal with the press, that because I hadn’t given very much information, I was entitled to a certain amount of privacy. But what was interesting is that it had the complete opposite effect. But it was so important for me to maintain this feeling that I could still go rogue, and I could still fucking have my ear to the streets and be at the same clubs as all my friends on the East Side.

Getting back to your music, I want to know about the album artwork. I want to know about where you were and what was going on and how you thought of the title.

Mike Hermosa and I, the first song we wrote was, “Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd.” I was spending a lot of time in Long Beach and I had read that there was a tunnel sealed up under the Jergins [Trust] Building. All of the mosaic ceilings were still perfectly preserved, but no one could get in. I had also been listening to a lot of Harry Nilsson. He has this song called “Don’t Forget Me.” That sentiment plus this man-made tunnel that was sealed up but was so beautiful, I liked the idea of putting them together. I knew right off the bat that that was going to be the title. The artwork is by Neil Krug, who’s done a lot of my covers. My original cover was nude, then I thought about it, and I was like, maybe not right now, because there are some other things I want to do where I feel like that could get in the way. For each shot, we were really specific about the idea and the mood. He took 65 shots in a row and we used every single one of them, because I told him I didn’t want him to just shoot, shoot, shoot, I wanted to take my time and think about what I wanted to express in my face.

They’re so beautiful. I don’t know which one is the cover, but I saw a bunch of the shots.

That’s the other thing. At first, the title was definitely going to be Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd, and then I fucking panicked and I went to Neil’s house and said, “I know this is fucked up, but I’ve changed the title. It’s going to now be called, ‘Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd Pearl Watch Me on Ring a Bell Psycho Lifeguard.’” He was like, “What the fuck?” I was like, “I’m not telling anyone. Just mock it up.” He mocked it up, but we realized that maybe it was a bit much to have six titles in one. Then, he was like, “This is reminding me of a format that I’ve always wanted to play with. What if we just used one title, but then we filled the rest of the page with everyone who’s featured and everyone who engineered it?” He mocked that up on the portrait shot and I was like, “You did it.” That was a really psychotic day because I was like, “Am I willing to literally burn everything down to the ground by having some strange, nonsensical title?” But that’s a really good lesson because even with the nude photo, it was like, I might not have used it, but there’s definitely something there. The idea behind it was, instead of being exposed for things that weren’t true, I wanted to reveal something about myself that I actually thought was beautiful, but in the end, I got nervous about doing that because I was like, “Is this an artistic inspiration that came to me or is this a reaction to something I feel is critical about me?” I never liked to do anything in response to something that’s fear-based or based on what people think about me. I don’t know if that’ll ever come out, but if it did, I would just want to make sure it came out when I thought it was super fun and not because I had to show something to people. That part of the process was a little tumultuous, because I was feeling open, but then I closed down again and wanted to play it safe. But the good thing is that the songs are so wordy that if you listen to them carefully, they’re revealing in the same way the photo would’ve been. I was like, “Okay, I’ll let the songs do the talking for now.”

Yeah, man. You really paved the way for everyone. People have been trying to look and sound like you since you first started. I talk about this with Finneas [Eilish’s brother]. You changed the way the music industry hears and sees music, and you changed the way people sing.

[Laughs] That’s amazing because you do that.

It’s because of you, dude.

The only thing that matters is that I like it and that you and people in your world like it, because for me, it’s about separating the wheat from the shaft. Tapping in with good people and letting that be your North Star. Actually, the text you sent me out of the blue—I don’t even know how you got my number—was on one of the craziest days where I was sitting in front of the Burbank Airport watching the planes take off, which I had never done before. I was sitting on the side of the road because that day I had to make a really important decision. I was feeling really nervous about it, because I’m always the kind of person who doubles back on my important decisions. Then, you literally texted me saying something like, “I love you, and without you, I wouldn’t have been able to do certain things.” I texted my friend Anne, and I was like, “I made the right decision because Billie texted me.” I thought I needed to hear something completely different from someone else, and I got this awesome synchronicity that let me know I was in the right place at the right time.

Wow.

I will also say, in terms of everyone who’s paved the way for me, the way Cat Power delivered her songs in the ’90s and in the early 2000s, and even now—we’ve toured together and I’ve told her so many times, “I should be opening for you.” I was a high soprano, which you can kind of tell in the way that I talk, but her low tones, I would practice them the way she sang that song where she’s like, [sings] “Bay-be-doll.” I was like, “Oh my gosh, I could sing like that.” I realized I had a low register too. And when I learned that she played a big concert in New York with her back turned to the audience, that was when I realized I might have a chance. Then, I watched this documentary when I was 20 called The Devil and Daniel Johnston with my boyfriend at the time, Artie Levine, and seeing that Daniel was super different and he had a bit of a cult following, I realized there might be a chance here. I definitely had my muses, but it was so much later on in life because I didn’t move to New York until I was 18, and that was when I first heard anything other than Eminem, country, and NPR. All of a sudden, I got a fucking crash course in music.

Everything you’re saying is blowing my mind out of my skull. You will never understand how much of an impact that you have had on me in my life.

I definitely won’t, I can promise you that. But you know what? If it did anything for you, how amazing is that? Because you actually like what you do.

God, dude. Okay, well, I have to go, but I just want to say that I am always going to ride and die for you. I’m so excited about this album. I’m telling you right now, you’re the coolest of the cool.

That is hilarious.

Well, you need to shut the fuck up and listen.

Here’s the thing. It’s good to know that the coolest of the cool can still be so messy because it’s like—

It doesn’t matter.

There’s no competition. Your life is your art. I just feel lucky that you said yes, because I couldn’t see it any other way.

Thank you for thinking of me at all.

It’ll be such a blessing to look back on when this prodigious girl—woman—reminded me of the fact that there are so many ways to look at things, and that it’s all a matter of perspective. The only thing that matters is that the people that you’re obsessed with, like the way I am with you, love your stuff too. It’s such a beautiful place to start creating from. Thank you for that.

Thank you. Oh my god.

Our little flattery interview, but honestly, that’s how it is. It was always you.

Originally published on interviewmagazine.com with the headline Lana Del Rey and Billie Eilish Fall in Love, and in the March 2023 issue of Interview with the headline Lana Del Rey by Billie Eilish.

#2023 #Did You Know That There's a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd #Interview Magazine #Billie Eilish

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