#get youre heteronormativity out of here its so BORING

[viscerast]

people in the discord having the WORST blorbo opinions and actively vilifying alex you do Not know him the way i do . literally taking my entire will not to block them bc i dont like blocking people on discord unless i have an explicit reason

[ugh-yoongi]

Jewel, I know your requests are closed but I desperately need to hear your thoughts on who in BTS would do this: https://www.tumblr.com/writing-prompt-s/739417828719034368/you-a-powerful-demoness-have-just-been-summoned

and why is it Namjoon (the potential for crack with this 148 IQ man who is also way more innocent than we think acc to one park jimin just takes me out)

i'm so sorry it took me so long to finish and post this but thank you so much for sending it bc i have been cackling about this scenario ever since.

the prompt: you, a powerful demoness, have just been summoned to earth. this man, this human, wants you to pretend to be his girlfriend for a few days so his parents will get off his back about it.

the gang summons a demon

pairing: namjoon x f. reader genre: supernatural au; crack warnings: reader is a demon and engages in demon behavior, swearing, namjoon makes mention of not being straight, heteronormative parental expectations, jk learns about arcane things on tumblr (which is not an original idea; i read a fic ages ago where taekook are tumblr witches but i cannot find it, so credit to that author or whoever came up with it first), unedited so any mistakes are mine. rating: e for everyone wordcount: 2k

It’s been years since you’ve been to Earth—even longer since you’ve been to South Korea.

“I haven’t been here since 1910,” you say, staring at the gobsmacked man across from you. He’s tall, with tanned skin and a bleached buzz cut; a smattering of tattoos dotting his toned arms—whites and rich hues of blue, imitations of some kind of ceramic art, you think; a golden hoop through his nose; cheeks with dimples so deep you’re sure they’ll crater. “People here definitely didn’t look like you back then, so I’m going to assume we’re pretty far into the future.”

“It’s 2024,” he answers, seemingly still a little dazed. He’s staring at you with wide eyes, jaw dropped. Normally it’s nice to be looked at like that, with all the reverence and awe you deserve, but Earth is not your favorite place to be. Doesn’t even crack the top fifty, if you’re being honest. “Did you say 1910? As in the beginning of the—”

You sigh. “Uh-huh. Hey, if you wouldn’t mind hurrying this up, I’ve got things to do.” The man continues staring. Could be a trick of the light, but you think he’s turning paler by the second.

Minutes tick by. Nothing but silence.

“Are you even listening to me?” you snarl, quickly losing patience you were never given. “I said I’ve got shit to do. My schedule’s booked solid for the next eight centuries, so I really don’t have time to be dilly-dallying in mundane human affairs. Your problems are always so boring.”

More silence.

Which is irksome, sure, but what’s worse is this stupid fucking circle you’re trapped in. Drawn crudely on the floor of (seemingly) this human man’s actual apartment, which would’ve told you all you’d needed to know, if you’d taken ten seconds to take in your surroundings upon first being summoned. This place has got books stacked floor to ceiling in every available inch of space, but you’re certain this person is a fucking idiot.

“Hello?”

The man shakes his head. “Oh, sorry, I just—I’m Namjoon? Kim Namjoon.”

“I don’t care.”

“Right, right.” He sucks in a deep breath. “Well, you’re probably wondering why I summoned you here today”—you roll your eyes—“and, uh.” Namjoon scratches at the back of his neck, anxiety oozing from every pore on his body. Definitely paler. “I am too, to be honest.”

“You what—”

“I didn’t mean to!” Namjoon hurriedly adds, all of that anxiety shifting quickly into pure panic. “It’s just—it was a joke! Mostly! Jeongguk said it as a joke, because everything he says is a joke, and I should’ve known that, but—I don’t know! I’ve tried everything else, and the longer its gone on the more desperate I’ve become, and suddenly what Jeongguk said as a joke didn’t sound so much like a joke anymore! I’m sorry! I didn’t think it’d actually work!”

It takes your brain a minute to translate and decipher the useless slush that just came out of his mouth, but when it does… oh, when it does, you feel absolutely murderous. “You summoned me as a joke?”

Namjoon must see it, too. There’s no way you’re looking cool, calm, and collected right now, because you’ve seen the faces of others that have witnessed your wrath, and they were almost always on the brink of (if not outright) shitting their pants. This stupid, clueless human in front of you doesn’t appear to be faring much better.

So you continue, just to watch him squirm. “Do you have any idea who I am?”

“Um,” comes his brilliant response. “Yes?”

“And who am I?”

He holds up his pointer finger and digs through the back pocket of his jeans. Pulls out a crumbled scrap of paper, nearly soiled from ass sweat and time, and his eyes squint as he tries to read it. “I—well, it’s probably not an accurate translation, you know, since—”

“What does that piece of parchment say, Kim Namjoon?”

“Nothing,” he lies. “I can’t read it anyway, so… a-haaa…”

Patience officially worn thin, you snap your fingers, delighting in the startled shriek that escapes him as the paper goes up in a plume of smoke. “I am going to give you one chance to be honest with me,” you explain slowly, leveling him with a look. “Who do you think I am, and why am I here?”

Namjoon pales further. Looks like he’s trying to melt right through the floor into a puddle of useless slush, and you’d be more than willing to speed up the process if it weren’t for this god forsaken demon trap.

“Can I—can I sit down for this?”

Kim Namjoon, you learn, has a friend named Jeon Jeongguk.

Jeon Jeongguk, you also come to learn, has learned magic from a website called Tumblr.

“There, uh. There are definitely blogs for that sort of thing,” Namjoon explains, tattooed fingers scratching at the back of his neck. He takes a very quick glance at you. “Clearly not very accurate ones.”

You hum. “That’s the only smart thing I’ve heard you say since I showed up in this shithole.”

Namjoon gawks. “Hey, my apartment isn’t a shithole! It’s the best I could afford, alright? There was just an article in The Business Times about how archaic of a system jeonse is—”

“Uh-huh. And this… website?”

Namjoon goes red. Coughs into his fist. “Oh, right, yeah. I’m gonna be honest with you—”

“I already said that—”

“—my parents are coming to visit from Ilsan in a few days and I need a girlfriend.”

You blink. Once, twice, three times. Long enough to replace the rug that had been pulled from under you, because you’re pretty sure you heard this human man allude to having summoned you so you can pretend to be his girlfriend.

All things considered, you’re impressed by how calm you are. This is not a trait most demons have, you especially, and it makes you nostalgic for the days you used to rip men apart limb by limb for less.

“Are you insane?” you ask simply.

“In my defense,” he explains around a wince, “Jeongguk said it was a love spell.”

“A love spell.” Namjoon nods. “And you wound up summoning a demon.”

“It… appears I may have done that, yes.”

“And you want a demon to meet your parents?”

“I mean… when in Rome, right?”

“I’ve committed at least four-hundred and sixty-seven separate atrocities there, so no, probably not when in Rome.”

Namjoon’s jaw drops. He tucks his knees closer to his chest. “Christ, that’s a lot. How did you have the time?”

“I’m immortal,” you deadpan.

“Right, right. Anyway, to answer your question: yes.”

Your eyes narrow. “How bad are your parents that you’d want me to meet them?”

“They’re fine, mostly. I just… am not what they expected in a son? Like, I have the hair and the tattoos and I dropped out of my engineering program in university to pursue art and poetry, so the least I could do is find a wife and settle down and give them grandchildren, but I don’t even know if I want to ever settle down. I’m also not… heterosexual? Entirely? Do you see that a lot—”

You sigh. “Misconception. Not to launch you into some kind of existential crisis, but the gods really don’t give a shit who you humans sleep with.”

“Gods? As in plural?” You snap your fingers. Namjoon’s fingers immediately go to his temples. “Damn, I have a really bad migraine all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, that was me.”

“What’d you do?”

“Made you forget something.”

“Oh. What’d I forget?” It takes a second. “Oh, right, yeah. Um. What was the last thing I said?”

“Your parents wanted you to be an engineer and have a ton of kids but you like art and also not-women, sometimes.”

He flushes again. “I—yes.”

You sigh, arms crossed over your chest. All you want to do is sit down, or open a window. This apartment smells far too strongly of patchouli. “Look, I haven’t been to this place in a long time, but surely you aren’t undesirable by your society’s standards.”

“Are you saying I’m attractive?”

You scowl. “No. I’m saying there had to have been easier ways of doing this, and also can you open a window?”

“It’s February.”

“That means nothing to me.”

“It’s really cold outside.”

“I’m literally from Hell. Go put on a sweater, then.”

With a roll of his eyes, Namjoon stands and moves to the window. Cracks it open a millimeter, just enough for the cold to seep in, before he’s stalking off toward—you’re assuming—his bedroom. You think he’s shoving a garment over his head when he calls out, “You know, you’re really fucking bossy for someone stuck in a trap.”

You vow to kill him as soon as you’re free.

It isn’t often you’re held hostage.

Usually you can spot a trick coming a thousand miles away, but since Namjoon hadn’t meant to summon you at all, you’d been caught unawares. Doomed to be stuck in a demon trap, just like he’d said, which meant you didn’t have a ton of bargaining power.

At least that’s what you’re telling yourself, because as you sit across from Namjoon’s parents at some fancy restaurant, you aren’t convinced he isn’t a crossroads demon himself.

“So,” his mother begins, turning her attention to you, “what do you do for work?”

Namjoon elbows you beneath the table, giving you a silent warning to stick to the script. You’re only here under threat of force—because Jeongguk had stopped by Namjoon’s apartment, saw you in the summoning circle, and nearly fainted before going back to Tumblr to find a binding spell.

Except that one wasn’t great, either, because it only bound you and Namjoon together for three days instead of forever. And, as penance for all the chaos you’ve sown across the universe, Namjoon’s parents’ visit fell within that time frame, so here you are.

Out to dinner. With humans.

You’re pretending to be someone’s girlfriend.

You’re in for the most embarrassing ribbing of your existence once you’re home.

“I work with idols,” you respond, as convincingly as possible, because Namjoon had thought it’d be really funny. Get it? he’d said. Like false idols? You hadn’t laughed. “It’s very secretive, of course, but—”

You don’t finish your thought, because Namjoon’s mother looks delighted: face lit up with mirth, smile blinding, eyes half-lidded under the weight of her happiness. “Oh, how exciting! Has he told you he used to do performances to old H.O.T songs? Namjoonie, what was that one song you liked—”

“Eomma, please—”

“Wasn’t it ‘Candy’?” Namjoon’s dad offers from behind his menu. It’s the first thing he’s said all evening.

Namjoon whimpers, foregoing all social decorum and lectures on posture to sink further in his chair.

You do not, under any circumstances, feel a hint of fondness.

(Which dissipates not even twenty-four hours later.

“The blog was deleted,” Jeongguk says, eyes wide as saucers. “I—the blog is gone, I don’t know how to—”

“What do you mean the blog is gone?” The poor kid is overcome with panic and fear, tries to stutter out a response that makes no sense to you at all through his sobs. “Jeon Jeongguk, what do you mean the blog is gone?”

“I—it’s—I had it bookmarked, I swear! Once the binding spell wore off I was gonna send it to Namjoon hyung so he could send you back, but the blog is gone so the post is gone, too. I don’t—what do I even search for—oh my god, please don’t kill me, I think I’m having a panic attack, I’m gonna—”

And then this human man vomits all over your feet. Namjoon sighs as he goes to fetch a bucket, and you think it’ll be a miracle if any of these people—yourself included—live to see the end of the week.)

[anns-works]

League Of Jay Tings (bc that right there? wasted potential)

The customizable character was a cool-ass feature and one of the best ideas Unagami had for the game. Even before Jay got sucked in, there were players running around with the ninjas as their skin.

(Scott got bored at one point and spent his time antagonizing the Red Visors in a Gold Ninja skin that was ridiculously expensive. Hw also lost a life. Totally worth it.)

On that note, I would like to point out that Jay and Scott's skins appear to be similar, so I'm guessing its one of the defaults that they ended up customizing (I imagine its like putting on a mustache or hat on minecraft Steve and calling it a day.

So, Jay's early days mainly included trailing around Scott cuz he was the only interaction he had with another person that wasn't just an NPC.

They finally encounter another another player but this one has a (surprise!) Blue Ninja skin. wat resulted was a ten minute long standoff between Jay and the other player which involved a lot of pointing and unintelligible noises.

The player bolted. Jay followed them screaming the entire time. Scott also followed cuz this was the most entertainment he's had in a long time. It's a miracle they haven't been discovered by any of the Visors yet.

The played leads them to a hideaway that had a LOT of people, all equipped with Blue Ninja skin.

Scott's previous amusement quickly turns into horror as he quietly goes what the fuck over and over again. Jay gets an idea like you know what, lets use this.

and basically thats how the League of Jay born in Scott's garage through Jay's ''diabolical" plan (he's making a safe hangout space for these kids and also letting them cause chaos)

(For convenience sake, lets just refer to og Jay as SRJ (after his gamer tag) ft. some of the other Jays from the league! w/ their nicknames. DeeJay777 is Dee. Jay22Walkin is Walker. BlueJay6669 is Blue. JayBird9000 is Birdy.)

Most of the things these gremlins do is mainly going around to vandalize stuff. Scott is apparently the "Master of Color" or whatever that may entail. It just basically means he can go around graffitiing "UNAGAM I UR MOMAS A HOE" or other stuff like that.

And back to the whole customizable skin bit, it was an instant hit cuz of the opportunities it presented. You could be a guy. You could be a girl. You could be as sexy as a kpop idol (is that in thing in ninjago?). You could be an eldritch creature beyond mortal comprehension if you're willing to spend up a few units.

Dee enjoys not having tits for a while. Birdy also loves the whole transmasc feeling. SRJ just updated his skin to be Like That™ to give everyone gender envy.

Unagami once released a feature in the game that would let you access different levels and mini-games based on your selected binary gender (back when that was still a thing). The League hated it and let him know dearly. So Unagami changed it into something else and threw in a couple units in the mix (a goddamn dance competition). This was an instant hit. They planed their next updates based on the League's reactions.

Unagami: I didn't realize it was you at first. But some of your actions proved to be quite educational.

SRJ, flashback to that one time he wrote "UNAGAMI I FUCKD U MAMA HERE" on a wall cuz he was feeling pissy: Sure man, don't mention it.

Also on that note, SRJ DEFINITELY founded the ninjago LGBTQA+ community. I meant ninjago in itself is a pretty non-heteronormative society and you can kiss whoever you want with no issue. But everyjay was trapped in the lair w/o Scott out nothing to do and he's bored out of his goddamn mind and just suddenly suggests coming up w/ names for different sexual orientations cuz why not? taxonomy is fucked but they're bored.

Walker has an anthropology degree and Birdy is studying gender so might as well begin.

After getting out they get awarded by the NU for their fantastic discovery.

SRJ gave up the mansion he inherited from Cliff Gordon to Scott and it sort of turned into a hangout spot for the League.

One League member said on Chirp (jokingly) that the League of Jay should have their own social media platform cuz they're too weird and are apparently freaking out people on Chirp. They get a reply from Blue who tells them she'll look into it, and two months later there's a new social media in town.

Lentils and beans of all sizes, I give to you TRip, ninjago tumblr. The buckwild experience ever. A huge hit among the serpentine immedietly.

Those iconic posts but ninjago style. Red floor at Darkley's. the three weed smoking ninjas. Don't you love the color of the gi. I like your shoelaces, thanks I stole them from samurai x. Garage ballpit.

[lawluenvy]

something a lot of people dont understand:

multishipping is just more fun!!!

why the fuck not? don't you love your little buddy? aren't you so in love with x character yourself that you imagine that everyone else must fall/be in love with them too?

like i know that lawlu will never happen but i love it anyways. cuz why the fuck not? why the fuck not imagine that law has fallen head over heels for the monkey boy that barelled into his life and saved it asking for nothing in return and trusting you when all logic says he probably shouldn't? why become invested in your pirate rival's future and wellbeing enough to go to the war you happened to hear he started and save him before he kills himself out of recklessness? you met exactly once before this. why do you care law??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!

you know what other one piece ship i love that has real concrete basis for? (altho censorship and heteronormativity may still prevent it of course) --- zolu!!!! undying love and devotion and trust in one another??? captain and first mate???? the only man Mr. Greedy Gut Luffy himself would ever/has ever offered to share his food with????? incredible.

multishipping is just fun y'all! shipping isn't/shouldn't be all about what is actually realistic or has basis or is the most "moral" based on real world modern standards

it's just fun to take two or more characters you love and try to imagine "hm how would this happen/work?" cuz WHY NOT?

just because i believe that zolu is legit and beautiful and endgame does not invalidate my wholehearted belief that law is in love with luffy and my desire to imagine "what if luffy liked law back?"

alright?

it's just fun y'all. fandom is supposed to be fun and an escape from the terrible disappointment that is real life - i'm so tired of people trying to bring real life into it. get your ugly ass reality out of here alright!? i'm here for the fantasy!!! i'm here for the "anything is possible!!!"s not the "actually this ship makes 0 sense for x and y reasons so you shouldn't be shipping that- people should be shipping my monoship only cuz it's more valid" like stfu no one cares you sound like a conceited loser

by all means if multishipping isnt for you cuz you just LOVE this ONE SHIP SO MUCH you can't picture anything else (so valid tbh) then alright you may ship what you wish how you like it of course buuuuut:

don't shit on other people's ships like fandom engagement is just some contest of moral superiority??? like??? who the fuck?

get out of here with that. so boring- if we wanted real life post-modern late stage capitalist "everything is a competition" and the heteronormative christian monogamy that simultaneously condemns but endangers individuals to manipulative and toxic relationship dynamics that is embedded within it --- why would we be here in the first place??? if that's what you want then why are YOU here?

i wish i lived in a world where it didnt fucking matter that luffy is only 18 because why should that matter? of course i know why in our reality it would be something to be concerned about but in one piece? on the grand line? where people can be made entirely of rubber or metal blades or goddamn smoke? and where law and luffy are in the same pirate generation and have obvious and clear respect for each other???

why on earth would i ever want to and choose to view lawlu in the problematic light of our fucked up contemporary where by its standards if luffy is only 18 and law is 26 then one would assume law must clearly just be taking advantage of luffy's naïvety cuz that's what people in this reality are most often like --- when the ONE PIECE REALITY is that law views luffy as his equal and is a MUCH BETTER REALITY! like why would you want to bring what sucks about our world into theirs??? it's not like luffy's pubescent like what is your problem??? y'all infantalize him so much when you do this and it's gross. he's a whole ass man with big dreams and a big ship and a big destiny - get outta here with that real life bullshit.

anyways.

i could rant about shipping discourse literally forever cuz its a subject that sadly never ends.

this applies to so many different ships in so many different fandoms but im just using lawlu vs. zolu as an example because the absurdity of one piece is just such an excellent demonstration of why applying our world's standards on fantasy worlds is a stupid waste of time

stopping forcing things into your black and white boxes of good and bad. shit's "grey" and rainbow as fuck. i look outside the window of my office right now and i see a world that is literally not black in white - there is colour everywhere. your rigid standards don't even work here despite the machinations of society demanding it must be so- and they definitely don't work in worlds that dont exist

fuck your real world problems when we're talking about fantasy worlds

i choose to spend my time in fantasy worlds cuz i fucking hate it here on our doomed planet earth

fantasy is so much better than here

let people have their fantasies - it is literally harming no one

[boinin]

Flairs on /r/BlueLock

A meta commentary/shitpost. I'm not sure which.

For Tumblr-onlys: Reddit allows users to add a flair beside their usernames, much like Tumblr allows badges. Flair are unique to individual subreddit, and only appear when that user comments or posts in that subreddit. The Blue Lock subreddit allows users to set custom text flairs, which may include a selection of emojis or character thumbnails.

This post contains adult humour/explicit references.

I posit that there's three categories of user flairs on Reddit.

The first category is what I refer to as normie flairs.

These include much of what you'd expect, if you maintain the false assumption that enjoyers of football shounen are straight, well-adjusted young men. Many users take this opportunity to represent their appreciation for a particular character (i.e. "Isagi Yoichi"). Admirable, but ultimately boring.

Much like Tumblr has its microcosms and meta humour, so does /r/BlueLock. In flairs, users make reference to fandom in-jokes (e.g. "Red Keys #1 fan", or "#1 Paralympic Footballer" next to a thumbnail of Yukimiya Kenyu). Other flairs reference quotes from the manga that inspire them (e.g. "Shut the fuck up Ness", "There is a monster inside me"). Although edgy in tone, these flairs are still reasonably explicable, should their parents check their browsing activity.

A recurring theme among this user group is a desire to distance themselves from homosexuality. Although excessive gayness is canon in Blue Lock, some users are defiant in their assertion that the series is about ball handling and nothing else. Hence, the existence of flairs such as "Miss Me With That Gay Shit" and "I'm just here to talk football dude".

For these users, the most relatable character in the series is Adam Blake: Mr. "I have no interest in male bodies" himself.

True martyrs. We salute them.

On to the second category.

Again, this is a loose category in terms of content and theme. You may question why I've chosen to differentiate these from the normie flairs. However, while all of these users are expressing admiration for the characters, the way they do so is hornier than a bunch of imprisoned football virgins. They are more worked up than Shidou, when he scores a goal.

I introduce this grouping as… the down bad flairs. There's a lot to unpack. Take your time.

We cannot infer that all the flairs in this group are the result of users biting their lips and moaning whenever a certain character appears. There may be a innocent explanation for why someone would designate themselves "King Barou's Chair" or "Muscle Mommy Kunigami's Squat Bar Pad".

Perhaps they simply kin as furniture.

Users among this group embrace the fruity nature of the series. Although it's untrue to say all Redditors are male basement dwellers and thus, in gay denial. There's evidence that women also frequent the subreddit to thirst over pretty manga boys, using the broadband their parents paid for. At least, this is what flairs such as "Kenyuu's beloved waifu" and "Impregnate me, Shidou!" suggest. There's even straight men present, if "Drinking Anri Mommy Milkies" and "Bachira's Mom's boyfriend" are anything to go by. Forgive them their sins, they know not how to play along.

But cis-heteronormativity is a scourge, something Blue Lock fans understand better than most. After all, no particular gender is required to become "Noel Noa's sugar baby" or "Isagi's personal toe sucker".

In terms of distribution, no one is safe from the thirstiness of /r/BlueLock users. Nearly every character has a thirst flair to their name. The ones that seem to inspire the most unhinged flairs are Shidou "dress sluttily, I can fight" Ryusei, Michael Kaiser ("Reincarned as Kaiser's Wet Underwear") and Bachira Meguru ("Bachira's leaking rosebud").

As the protagonist, Isagi naturally attracts a lot of favour. Some flairs highlight his prowess (e.g. "I love it when isagi shoots from behind", or the more possessive "isagi meatrider get out kaiser"). These users are, unfortunately, deluded. I regret to inform them that there is no universe in which Isagi is a top. He'd be devouring your dick, not the other way around.

To the conclusion. If you are a /r/BlueLock veteran (my condolences), you will have noticed a conspicuous absence among the second flair group. You may be thinking, is this chick blinder than Yukimiya? Can they even read?? They missed the worse ones.

To this I say: Do not cite the deep flairs to me bitch. I was there when they were written.

One image lies below the cut. Unlike the other two, the third category of user flairs has an obvious theme.

However, there is no returning beyond this point. Once you have borne witness to this forbidden knowledge, you will be irrevocably changed. It may ruin your life... or awaken something in you. Either way, a price must be paid.

Consider this my final warning. You may yet walk away from this post unscathed. Even with the words "Devouring Aiku's Hairy Ass" branded on your psyche.

But if you are determined—if you have steeled your mind (and your eyes), open this video in another tab and read on.

Anyone who guessed horny Chigiri flairs, take 1,000 Jeopardy points and a shot of something strong.

I'm not going to invent pseudo-intellectual commentary for this. Y'all came this far, see for yourself. I can't justify some of these, nor begin to explain them—and I write Blue Lock fanfiction. These users are in another dimension of Chigiri worship, one I can never bridge.

Source and references: this

[ferociouslycreativemystery]

Dead dove, do not eat: Detailed show negativity below cut, keep scrolling to keep up the good vibes 😇

This is only halfway coherent since I don't have the energy to edit it thoroughly, but thought it worth sharing anyway. Lots of unfinished thoughts, but I hope I still manage to get something of my feelings across. Here goes:

The pirate show really isn't working for me. In season one it was mainly the editing that bothered me, that it wasn't quite tight enough to set a good pace for the humour, but the story and characters were intriguing enough to keep me engaged. It was immensely thrilling to see the love story develop the way it did, especially as it coincided with some of my own queer identity conundrums. It genuinely helped untangle and rewire something crucial in me, and I'll always be grateful to it for that.

But I've only barely managed to make it through the first two episodes of this new season, and to be completely honest I was bored and fretting all the way through. I agree with those I watched it with that it felt somehow darker compared to the first season. Which, fair enough given the direction of the story, but the translation fumbled what appeal the first season still held for me.

The thing about this show is that it's always felt like it's aiming to appeal to certain very fandom-specific sensibilities, particularly the sensibilities that I never really got the hang of. It feels like it was entirely built around the phenomenon of fannon. The thing about fannon is it is highly normative (if not typically heteronormative, then built around certain understandings of life, queerness and ethics, many of which I don't appreciate being made 'defaults'). Fannon mostly isn't as cohesive as your typical canon story either. It consists of lots of disparate elements, a smörgåsbord of generic and normative tropes for you to pick and choose what you personally like the best while being free to discard the others mostly without consequence, allowing you to assemble your own creation from your chosen legos. The allow for some creativity, but only within the frame of how those pieces are predisposed to fit; a curated playpen.

But I like digging deep, not casting my net wide.

What I like about having a particular canon is that it doesn't just have those generically cross-compatible fannon pieces, it carefully crafts its own ones and assembles them in very particular ways. You can strum one thread and find it resonating somewhere else completely unexpectedly. It's exciting to explore how everything is connected in this one-of-a-kind web of meaning, and with each discovery come to love and appreciate its intricacies even more. There are a million paths to walk if you keep adjusting your aim.

Having that solid framework allows for a specific and unique perspective on humanity, emotion, and the world, which takes me out of myself to see familiar things in a different light. Seeing the world through different eyes also generates sympathy, which heightens my emotional engagement. That is what I find so fascinating and rewarding about this particular way of fandom.

In relation to this, I almost always need ships to be explicit to the point of 'the creators definitely made intentional romantic insinuations in this relationship' to see the appeal of it. It needs to tie into the story as it is being told. My romantic imagination beyond that point is basically non-existent. I'm not good at picking up scraps and filling in the gaps; I'm an explorer, not a conductor.

With the pirates, I see the ideas it puts on the table, the pieces to play with, and could see how they might eventually be made appealing to me, but then it just leaves them there and expects me to do most of the actual development. It feels stale and lifeless, with little room for exploration without first constructing the thing to explore, which defeats the whole purpose.

A lot of the language used also reminds me too much of online discourse for me to disappear into it; it drips with the anxious phrasing habits of someone aware and overthinking all the ways this statement will be taken out of context and how its original meaning must be understood or at least not taken as something Bad when that will happen. This is another aspect where the show feels like it was made to be consumed online, being torn apart into pieces which must each individually contain all their context. There is rampant lamp-shading and making subtext full text, leaving nothing to the shadows. It becomes almost like an academic presentation of a story, which demands that you as the viewer can already bring your own pre-prepared web of understanding and interest, that is ready for the pieces to fit into. But if every part of the story is resolved in itself, then what's even the point of telling the rest of the story then?

In fandom, the pervasive focus on shipping or creation of fannon and headcanons never intrigued me as much as the dissection and exploration of actual canon. "Fuck canon" is a valid take (we're here to play!) but it is entirely antithetical to my personal enjoyment.

It tastes like all the sugar without the bitter almond to balance it out.

I'm not saying this is an illegitimate or bad way to tell a story, because I don't believe that such a thing exists. This show definitely has its place in the landscape of TV; there is very clearly an audience for it, and I'm glad that they're getting what they want from it. I'm not part of that audience though.

[sloshed-cinema]

Shiva Baby (2020)

Are you eating enough?  You’re skin and bones!  Oh, she’s an entrepreneur, I bet she has an office job, something to get your foot in the door.  There’s a picture I have on my phone—oh, let me see here…. It’s rrrugula, not arugyoola.  Everywhere she goes, Danielle is haunted, hounded by a chorus of the same questions and observations which press in at every angle from relatives she barely knows or hasn’t seen in a while.  About to graduate university, she’s a young woman who can’t be expected to have figured it all out.  Hell, she’s flitted about in her course of study, much to the befuddlement of her overprotective parents.  Yet it’s here at post-burial gathering where it becomes clear that there are very adult and very real implications and consequences for Danielle’s actions.  Unbeknownst to her, Danielle’s sugar daddy Ben has a wife, and a real ice queen at that.  And Danielle’s ex Maya proves an obstacle both as an individual and as a relationship the largely heteronormative relatives can’t seem to grasp.  Danielle makes choices and she fucks up, but it’s not until the course of this gathering that she finally seems to grasp just how real and painful those can feel.  Initially a prickly presence, Danielle’s ultimate vulnerability, crying as she tries to gather the pieces of a broken vase, cements her essential humanity and what makes this acerbically humorous tension piece so relatable.

DoP Maria Rusche’s camera is intensely interested in faces as it roves the claustrophobic space of the home where the beginning of shiva is being observed.  As Danielle’s situation transitions from boring obligation to living nightmare, this aesthetic remains, but its temperature shifts.  No longer does it have the feel of a Judd Apatow type indie comedy, but rather that of a Lynchian horror sequence, faces leering into the frame, all teeth and squinting eyes.  Sound design works overtime to ratchet up the tension, layering phrases in a dense and oppressive cluster, or torquing the anxiety-inducing score up just a hair too much for comfort.  As with Danielle, the viewer is soon begging for fresh air, an escape.  Unfortunately, the way out of the party comes in the form of an overcrowded carpool, the product of Danielle’s father and his inability to read social cues or determine the capacity of his car.  Danielle and Maya are shoved together one more, but as we take in the comically packed van, the camera cuts to one more closeup: the girl’s clasped hands.  Sure, it’s been a bumpy ride, but maybe there’s a way forward here, a bit of a release.

THE RULES

SIP

Every goddamn studio card.

Old people gossiping.

Danielle’s major gets mentioned.

Danielle is caught in a lie.

Someone comments on Danielle’s weight.

BIG DRINK

Danielle puts food on her plate.

Someone mixes up names.

Danielle’s mom pulls her aside.

[marizzyartz]

Self Satisfaction: a woman's path to sexual revolution

Casual sex was a lie sold to women packaged as a path to sexual revolution. For so long women have had to advocate for themselves when it comes to bodily autonomy. In every way possible our freedom to just be has been stripped away and distorted. This has forced women  into battle not only with society but with themselves. For women living in a patriarchal society, every waking day is a battle. We’re too small, too big, too loud, too proud, too “wifey, but not for right now.” And yet all of that stems from sources outside of ourselves and out of our control. At the core of what we want is exactly that: the power to control that we are surrounded by a safe environment that protects us and doesn’t leave us out to dry. To be a woman is to be a liability, and the one thing that we do have control over is our pleasure. It's our God given right to feel good. 

"sexo virtual" 5x7 pen on paper -2023

What we’re not talking about enough is the whole journey to the center of the self to figure it out. Women are cerebral creatures. Our minds must be stimulated in order for the rest of our bodies to be. So even if that looks like casual sex our connections should be able to do at the minimum that: connect. Precursor:I can only speak on what I know personally and that's heteronormative and monogamous relationships [boo… tomato tomato tomato, very boring! I’m sorry]. Men aren’t getting it. We want to be explored, not exploited. Carressed not creamed pied. Rubbed on, not rabbitted. So I'm here to say that the real sexual revolution is not coming from that cutie you met the other night at the art gallery, but from the deepest, truest, most intimate depths of yourself. 

Let’s be real, the culture of sex in America is still very hostile and violent. This is not a man bashing blog, or saying that all straight men act or behave in this way; but I believe that even those guys would admit they couldn’t say the same thing for all of their male peers. Men weren’t taught to respect and see women as their equal, so why would they respect and see women as their equal? They were taught to view their relationship to us as an ego trip, a possession- a prize. And although it’s great to be prized, we are asking to be seen as a human, with a whole spectrum of feelings and emotions. 

Casual sex in theory is great- who doesn’t love sex? Getting to explore that with the wide variety of people on this earth is sexy and enticing. But what it’s missing is what we're all missing, intimacy, and that doesn’t always correlate with having sex. True intimacy in its purest form is a feeling of satisfaction and safety at the soul level. Sure, there are a lot of things in this world that distract us from being connected to ourselves deeply, but who knows you or your body better than you? It’s weird because when you grow up as a woman you get these very two confusing and contrasting stark reactions from the greater world: that your body is the most important thing about you and that being confident in your own skin or growing into your own, is a selfish act. When you strip away the noise, you quickly learn that it doesn’t matter what you do- there will always be critics, it’s up to you to forget all that and live for yourself. Your body is a temple but it’s also a weapon and woman, you wouldn't have been graced with the nerve cells to experience the greatest feeling in the world if you weren't supposed to. 

Whether you choose to touch on yourself with yourself or with the use of toys, to do so is the most revolutionary thing you can do. You’re not waiting on someone else to save you and do it for you, or hoping that he’ll be a decent enough guy to make you cum before he rolls over. Instead you’re taking over the reigns and controlling your ability to orgasm for you. Your body isn’t for the possession of another, it’s for the full exploration of you- or you wouldn’t have come to Earth in this giant meat suit. Making yourself cum and learning what you like, where you like it and how you like it, puts you in control. Your autonomy of your body is in your hands and how special and bad ass is that? Sexual revolution for women is the ability to satisfy ourselves.

xoxo,

-M

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[potteresque-ire]

Can you talk more about the usage of the word "wife" to talk about men in the BL context? I've noticed it in BJYX (particularly with GG), in the (English translations) of MDZS, and then it came up in your recent posts about Danmei-101 (which were super helpful btw) with articles connecting the "little fresh meat" type to fans calling an actor "wife." My initial reaction as a westerner is like "this is very problematic," but I think I'm missing a lot of language/cultural context. Any thoughts?

Hello! First of all, for those who’re interested, here’s a link to the referred posts. Under the cut is arguably the 4th post of the series. As usual, I apologise for the length!

(Topics: seme and uke; more about “leftover women”; roster of feminisation terms; Daji, Bao Si & the origin of BJYX; roster of beautiful, ancient Chinese men; Chairman Mao (not part of the roster) ...)

[TW: feminisation of men]

In the traditional BL characterisation, the M/M (double male) lead pairing is essentially a cis-het relationship in disguise, in which one of the M leads is viewed as the “wife” by the creator and audience. This lead often possesses some of the features of the traditional, stereotypical female, but retaining his male appearance. 

In BL terms, the “wife” is the “uke”. “Seme” and “uke” are the respective roles taken by the two male leads, and designated by the creator of the material. Literally, “seme” (攻め) means the dominant, the attacking / aggressive partner in the relationship and “uke” (受け), the passive / recipient (of actions) partner who tends to follow the seme’s lead. The terms themselves do not have any sexual / gender context.  However, as male and female are viewed as aggressive and passive by their traditional social roles, and the attacker and recipient by their traditional sexual roles respectively, BL fandoms have long assigned uke, the passive, sexual “bottom”, as the “woman”, the “wife”. 

Danmei has kept this “semi” and uke” tradition from BL, taking the kanji of the Japanese terms for designation ~ 攻 (”attack” is therefore the “husband”, and 受 (”receive”), the “wife”. The designations are often specified in the introduction / summary of Danmei works as warning / enticement. For MDZS, for example, MXTX wrote:

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 × 邪魅狂狷風騷 受

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 = noble, coolly beautiful and boring seme (referring to LWJ)  邪魅狂狷風騷 受 = devilishly charming, wild, and flirty uke (referring to WWX) 

The traditional, stereotypical female traits given to the “uke”, the “wife” in Danmei and their associated fanworks range from their personality to behaviour to even biological functions. Those who have read the sex scenes in MDZS may be aware of their lack of mention of lube, while WWX was written as getting (very) wet from fluids from his colon (腸道) ~ implying that his colon, much like a vagina, was supplying the necessarily lubrication for sex. This is obviously biologically inaccurate; however, Danmei is exempt from having to be realistic by its original Tanbi definition. The genre’s primary audience is cishet females, and sex scenes such as this one aren’t aiming for realism. Rather, the primary goal of these sex scenes is to generate fantasy, and the purpose of the biologically female functions in one of the leads (WWX) is to ease the readers into imagining themselves as the one engaging in the sex.

Indeed, these practices of assigning as males and female the M/M sexual top and bottom, of emphasising of who is the top and who is the bottom, have been falling out of favour in Western slash fandoms ~ I joined fandom about 15 years ago, and top and bottom designations in slash pairings (and fights about them) were much more common than it is now.  The generally more open, more progressive environments in which Western fandomers are immersed in probably have something to do with it: they transfer their RL knowledge, their views on biology, on different social into their fandom works and discourses. 

I’d venture to say this: in the English-speaking fandoms, fandom values and mainstream values are converging. “Cancel culture” reflects an attempt to enforce RL values in the fictional worlds in fandom. Fandom culture is slowly, but surely, leaving its subculture status and becoming part of mainstream culture. 

I’d hesitate to call c-Danmei fandoms backward compared to Western slash for this reason. There’s little hope for Danmei to converge with China’s mainstream culture in the short term ~ the necessity of replacing Danmei with Dangai in visual media already reflects that. Danmei is and will likely remain subculture in the foreseeable future, and subcultures, at heart, are protests against the mainstream. Unless China and the West define “mainstream” very similarly (and they don’t), it is difficult to compare the “progressiveness”—and its dark side, the “problematic-ness”—of the protests, which are shaped by what they’re protesting against. The “shaper” in this scenario, the mainstream values and culture, are also far more forceful under China’s authoritarian government than they are in the free(-er) world. 

Danmei, therefore, necessarily takes on a different form in China than BL or slash outside China. As a creative pursuit, it serves to fulfil psychological needs that are reflective of its surrounding culture and sociopolitical environment. The genre’s “problematic” / out of place aspects in the eyes of Western fandoms are therefore, like all other aspects of the genre, tailor-made by its millions of fans to be comforting / cathartic for the unique culture and sociopolitical background it and they find themselves in. 

I briefly detoured to talk about the Chinese government’s campaign to pressure young, educated Chinese women into matrimony and motherhood in the post for this reason, as it is an example of how, despite Western fandoms’ progressiveness, they may be inadequate, distant for c-Danmei fans. Again, this article is a short and a ... morbidly-entertaining read on what has been said about China’s “leftover women” (剩女) — women who are unmarried and over 27-years-old). I talked about it, because “Women should enter marriage and parenthood in their late 20s” may no longer a mainstream value in many Western societies, but where it still is, it exerts a strong influence on how women view romance, and by extension, how they interact with romantic fiction, including Danmei.

In China, this influence is made even stronger by the fact that Chinese tradition  places a strong emphasis on education and holds a conservative attitude towards romance and sex. Dating while studying therefore remains discouraged in many Chinese families. University-educated Chinese women therefore have an extremely short time frame — between graduation (~23 years old) and their 27th birthday — to find “the right one” and get married, before they are labelled as “leftovers” and deemed undesirable. (Saving) face being an important aspect in Chinese culture introduces yet another layer of pressure: traditionally, women who don’t get married by the age agreed by social norms have been viewed as failures of upbringing, in that the unmarried women’s parents not having taught/trained their daughters well. Filial, unmarried women therefore try to get married “on time” just to avoid bringing shame to their family.

The outcome is this: despite the strong women characters we may see in Chinese visual media, many young Chinese women nowadays do not expect themselves to be able to marry for love. Below, I offer a “book jacket summary” of a popular internet novel in China, which shows how the associated despair also affects cis-het fictional romance. Book reviews praise this novel for being “boring”: the man and woman leads are both common working class people, the “you-and-I”’s; the mundaneness of them trying build their careers and their love life is lit by one shining light: he loves her and she loves him. 

Written in her POV, this summary reflects, perhaps, the disquiet felt by many contemporary Chinese women university graduates:

曾經以為，自己這輩子都等不到了—— 世界這麼大，我又走得這麼慢，要是遇不到良人要怎麼辦？早過了「全球三十幾億男人，中國七億男人，天涯何處無芳草」的猖狂歲月，越來越清楚，循規蹈矩的生活中，我們能熟悉進而深交的異性實在太有限了，有限到我都做好了「接受他人的牽線，找個適合的男人慢慢煨熟，再平淡無奇地進入婚姻」的準備，卻在生命意外的拐彎處迎來自己的另一半。

I once thought, my wait will never come to fruition for the rest of my life — the world is so big, I’m so slow in treading it, what if I’ll never meet the one? I’ve long passed the wild days of thinking “3 billion men exist on Earth, 0.7 of which are Chinese. There is plenty more fish in the sea.” I’m seeing, with increasing clarity, that in our disciplined lives, the number of opposite-sex we can get to know, and get to know well, is so limited. It’s so limited that I’m prepared to accept someone’s matchmaking, find a suitable man and slowly, slowly, warm up to him, and then, to enter marriage with without excitement, without wonder. But then, an accidental turn in my life welcomes in my other half.

— Oath of Love (餘生，請多指教) (Yes, this is the novel Gg’d upcoming drama is based on.) 

Heteronormativity is, of course, very real in China. However, that hasn’t exempted Chinese women, even its large cis-het population, from having their freedom to pursue their true love taken away from them. Even for cis-het relationships, being able to marry for love has become a fantasy —a fantasy scorned by the state. Remember this quote from Article O3 in the original post? 

耽改故事大多远离现实，有些年轻受众却将其与生活混为一谈，产生不以结婚和繁衍为目的才是真爱之类的偏颇认知。

Most Dangai stories are far removed from reality; some young audience nonetheless mix them up with real life, develop biased understanding such as “only love that doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations is true love”. 

I didn’t focus on it in the previous posts, in an effort to keep the discussion on topic. But why did the op-ed piece pick this as an example of fantasy-that-shouldn’t-be-mixed-up-with-real-life, in the middle of a discussion about perceived femininity of men that actually has little to do with matrimony and reproduction? 

Because the whole point behind the state’s “leftover women” campaign is precisely to get women to treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations, not beautiful sceneries that happen along the way. And they’re the state’s destination as more children = higher birth rate that leads to higher future productivity. The article is therefore calling out Danmei for challenging this “mainstream value”.

Therefore, while the statement True love doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations may be trite for many of us while it may be a point few, if any, English-speaking fandoms may pay attention to, to the mainstream culture Danmei lives in, to the mainstream values dictated by the state, it is borderline subversive.

As much as Danmei may appear “tame” for its emphasis on beauty and romance, for it to have stood for so long, so firmly against China’s (very) forceful mainstream culture, the genre is also fundamentally rebellious.  Remember: Danmei has little hope of converging with China’s mainstream unless it “sells its soul” and removes its homoerotic elements. 

With rebelliousness, too, comes a bit of tongue-in-cheek.

And so, when c-Danmei fans, most of whom being cishet women who interact with the genre by its traditional BL definition, call one of the leads 老婆 (wife), it can and often take on a different flavour. As said before, it can be less about feminizing the lead than about identifying with the lead. The nickname 老婆 (wife) can be less about being disrespectful and more about humorously expressing an aspiration—the aspiration to have a husband who truly loves them, who they do want to get married and have babies with but out of freedom and not obligation.

Admittedly, I had been confused, and bothered by these “can-be”s myself. Just because there are alternate reasons for the feminisation to happen doesn’t mean the feminisation itself is excusable. But why the feminisation of M/M leads doesn’t sound as awful to me in Chinese as in English? How can calling a self-identified man 老婆 (wife) get away with not sounding being predominantly disrespectful to my ears, when I would’ve frowned at the same thing said in my vicinity in English?

I had an old hypothesis: when I was little, it was common to hear people calling acquaintances in Chinese by their unflattering traits:  “Deaf-Eared Chan” (Mr Chan, who’s deaf), “Fat Old Woman Lan” (Ah-Lan, who’s an overweight woman) etc—and the acquaintances were perfectly at ease with such identifications, even introducing themselves to strangers that way. Comparatively speaking then, 老婆 (wife) is harmless, even endearing. 

老婆, which literally means “old old-lady” (implying wife = the woman one gets old with), first became popularised as a colloquial, casual way of calling “wife” in Hong Kong and its Cantonese dialect, despite the term itself being about 1,500 years old. As older generations of Chinese were usually very shy about talking about their love lives, those who couldn’t help themselves and regularly spoke of their 老婆 tended to be those who loved their wives in my memory. 老婆, as a term, probably became endearing to me that way. 

Maybe this is why the feminisation of M/M leads didn’t sound so bad to me?

This hypothesis was inadequate, however. This custom of identifying people by their (unflattering) traits has been diminishing in Hong Kong and China, for similar reasons it has been considered inappropriate in the West.

Also, 老婆 (wife) is not the only term used for / associated with feminisation. I’ve tried to limit the discussion to Danmei, the fictional genre; now, I’ll jump to its associated RPS genre, and specifically, the YiZhan fandoms. The purpose of this jump: with real people involved, feminisation’s effect is potentially more harmful, more acute. Easier to feel. 

YiZhan fans predominantly entered the fandoms through The Untamed, and they’ve also transferred Danmei’s  “seme”/“uke” customs into YiZhan. There are, therefore, three c-YiZhan fandoms:

博君一肖 (BJYX): seme Dd, uke Gg 戰山為王 (ZSWW): seme Gg, uke Dd 連瑣反應 (LSFY): riba Gg and Dd. Riba = “reversible”, and unlike “seme” and “uke”, is a frequently-used term in the Japanese gay community. 

BJYX is by far the largest of the three, likely due to Gg having played WWX, the “uke” in MDZS / TU. I’ll therefore focus on this fandom, ie. Gg is the “uke”, the “wife”.

For Gg alone, I’ve seen him being also referred to by YiZhan fans as (and this is far from a complete list):

* 姐姐 (sister) * 嫂子 (wife of elder brother; Dd being the elder brother implied) * 妃妃 (based on the very first YiZhan CP name, 太妃糖 Toffee Candy, a portmanteau of sorts from Dd being the 太子 “prince” of his management company and Gg being the prince’s wife, 太子妃. 糖 = “candy”. 太妃 sounds like toffee in English and has been used as the latter’s Chinese translation.) * 美人 (beauty, as in 肖美人 “Beauty Xiao”) * Daji 妲己 (as in 肖妲己, “Daji Xiao”). 

The last one needs historical context, which will also become important for explaining the new hypothesis I have.

Daji was a consort who lived three thousand years ago, whose beauty was blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. Gg (and men sharing similar traits, who are exceptionally rare) has been compared to Daji 妲己 for his alternatively innocent, alternatively seductive beauty ~ the kind of beauty that, in Chinese historical texts and folk lores, lead to the fall of kingdoms when possessed by the king’s beloved woman. This kind of “I-get-to-ruin-her-virginity”, “she’s a slut in MY bedroom” beauty is, of course, a stereotypical fantasy for many (cis-het) men, which included the authors of these historical texts and folklores. However, it also contained some truth: the purity / innocence, the image of a virgin, was required for an ancient woman to be chosen as a consort; the seduction, meanwhile, helped her to become the top consort, and monopolise the attention of kings and emperors who often had hundreds of wives ~ wives who often put each other in danger to eliminate competition. 

Nowadays, women of tremendous beauty are still referred to by the Chinese idiom 傾國傾城, literally, ”falling countries, falling cities”. The beauty is also implied to be natural, expressed in a can’t-help-itself way, perhaps reflecting the fact that the ancient beauties on which this idiom has been used couldn’t possibly have plastic surgeries, and most of them didn’t meet a good end ~ that they had to pay a price for their beauty, and often, with their lowly status as women, as consorts, they didn’t get to choose whether they wanted to pay this price or not. This adjective is considered to be very flattering. Gg’s famous smile from the Thailand Fanmeet has been described, praised as 傾城一笑: “a smile that topples a city”.

I’m explaining Daji and 傾國傾城 because the Chinese idiom 博君一笑 “doing anything to get a smile from you”, from which the ship’s name BJYX 博君一肖  was derived (笑 and 肖 are both pronounced “xiao”), is connected to yet another of such dynasty-falling beauty, Bao Si 褒姒. Like Daji before her, Bao Si was blamed for the end of the Zhou Dynasty in 771 BC. 

The legend went like this: Bao Si was melancholic, and to get her to smile, her king lit warning beacons and got his nobles to rush in from the nearby vassal states with their armies to come and rescue him, despite not being in actual danger. The nobles, in their haste, looked so frantic and dishevelled that Bao Si found it funny and smiled. Longing to see more of the smile of his favourite woman, the king would fool his nobles again and again, until his nobles no longer heeded the warning beacons when an actual rebellion came. 

What the king did has been described as 博紅顏一笑, with 紅顏 (”red/flushed face”) meaning a beautiful woman, referring to Bao Si. Replace 紅顏 with the respectful “you”, 君, we get 博君一笑. If one searches the origin of the phrase 博 [fill_in_the_blank]一笑 online, Bao Si’s story shows up.

The “anything” in ”doing anything to get a smile from you” in 博君一笑, therefore, is not any favour, but something as momentous as giving away one’s own kingdom. c-turtles have remarked, to their amusement and admittedly mine, that “king”, in Chinese, is written as 王, which is Dd’s surname, and very occasionally, they jokingly compare him to the hopeless kings who’d give away everything for their love. Much like 傾國傾城 has become a flattering idiom despite the negative reputations of Daji and Bao Si for their “men-ruining ways”, 博君一笑 has become a flattering phrase, emphasising on the devotion and love rather than the ... stupidity behind the smile-inducing acts. 

(Bao Si’s story, BTW, was a lie made up by historians who also lived later but also thousands of years ago, to absolve the uselessness of the king. Warning beacons didn’t exist at her time.)  

Gg is arguably feminized even in his CP’s name. Gg’s feminisation is everywhere. 

And here comes my confession time ~ I’ve been amused by most of the feminisation terms above. 肖妲己 (”Daji Xiao”) captures my imagination, and I remain quite partial to the CP name BJYX. Somehow, there’s something ... somewhat forgivable when the feminisation is based on Gg’s beauty, especially in the context of the historical Danmei / Dangai setting of MDZS/TU ~ something that, while doesn’t cancel, dampens the “problematic-ness” of the gender mis-identification.

What, exactly, is this something?

Here’s my new hypothesis, and hopefully I’ll manage to explain it well ~

The hypothesis is this: the unisex beauty standard for historical Chinese men and women, which is also breathtakingly similar to the modern beauty standard for Chinese women, makes feminisation in the context of Danmei (especially historical Danmei) flattering, and easier to accept.

What defined beauty in historical Chinese men? If I am to create a classically beautiful Chinese man for my new historical Danmei, how would I describe him based on what I’ve read, my cultural knowledge?

Here’s a list:

* Skin fair and smooth as white jade * Thin, even frail; narrow/slanted shoulders; tall * Dark irises and bright, starry eyes * Not too dense, neat eyebrows that are shaped like swords ~ pointed slightly upwards from the center towards the sides of the face * Depending on the dynasty, nice makeup.

Imagine these traits. How “macho” are they? How much do they fit the ideal Chinese masculine beauty advertised by Chinese government, which looks like below?

Propaganda poster, 1969. The caption says “Defeat Imperialist US! Defeat Social Imperialism!” The book’s name is “Quotations from Mao Zedong”. (Source)

Where did that list of traits I’ve written com from? Fair like jade, frail ... why are they so far from the ... “macho”ness of the men in the poster? 

What has Chinese history said about its beautiful men? 

Wei Jie (衛玠 286-312 BCE), one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men (古代四大美男) recorded in Chinese history famously passed away when fans of his beauty gathered and formed a wall around him, blocking his way. History recorded Wei as being frail with chronic illness, and was only 27 years old when he died. Arguably the first historical account of “crazy fans killing their idol”, this incident left the idiom 看殺衛玠 ~ “Wei Jie being watched to death.” ~ a not very “macho” way to die at all.

潘安 (Pan An; 247-300 BCE), another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, also had hoards of fangirls, who threw fruits and flowers at him whenever he ventured outside. The Chinese idiom 擲果盈車 “thrown fruit filling a cart” was based on Pan and ... his fandom, and denotes such scenarios of men being so beautiful that women openly displayed their affections for them. 

Meanwhile, when Pan went out with his equally beautiful male friend, 夏侯湛 Xiahou Zhan, folks around them called them 連璧 ~ two connected pieces of perfect jade. Chinese Jade is white, smooth, faintly glowing in light, so delicate that it gives the impression of being somewhat transparent.

Aren’t Wei Jie and Pan An reminiscent of modern day Chinese idols, the “effeminate” “Little Fresh Meat”s (小鲜肉) so panned by Article O3? Their stories, BTW, also elucidated the historical reference in LWJ’s description of being jade-like in MDZS, and in WWX and LWJ being thrown pippas along the Gusu river bank. 

Danmei, therefore, didn’t create a trend of androgynous beauty in men as much as it has borrowed the ancient, traditional definition of masculine Chinese beauty ~ the beauty that was more feminine than masculine by modern standards.  

[Perhaps, CPs should be renamed 連璧 (”two connected pieces of perfect jade”) as a reminder of the aesthetics’ historical roots.]

Someone may exclaim now: But. But!! Yet another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, 高長恭 (Gao Changgong, 541-573 BCE), far better known by his title, 蘭陵王 (”the Prince of Lanling”), was a famous general. He had to be “macho”, right?

... As it turns out, not at all. Historical texts have described Gao as “貌柔心壮，音容兼美” (”soft in looks and strong at heart, beautiful face and voice”), “白美類婦人” (”fair and beautiful as a woman”), “貌若婦人” (”face like a woman”). Legends have it that The Prince of Lanling’s beauty was so soft, so lacking in authority that he had to wear a savage mask to get his soldiers to listen to his command (and win) on the battlefield (《樂府雜錄》: 以其顏貌無威，每入陣即著面具，後乃百戰百勝).

This should be emphasised: Gao’s explicitly feminine descriptions were recorded in historical texts as arguments *for* his beauty. Authors of these texts, therefore, didn’t view the feminisation as insult. In fact, they used the feminisation to drive the point home, to convince their readers that men like the Prince of Lanling were truly, absolutely good looking.

Being beautiful like a women was therefore high praise for men in, at least, significant periods in Chinese history ~ periods long and important enough for these records to survive until today. Beauty, and so it goes, had once been largely free of distinctions between the masculine and feminine.

One more example of an image of an ancient Chinese male beauty being similar to its female counterpart, because the history nerd in me finds this fun. 

何晏 (He Yan, ?-249 BCE) lived in the Wei Jin era (between 2nd to 4th century), during which makeup was really en vogue. Known for his beauty, he was also famous for his love of grooming himself. The emperor, convinced that He Yan’s very fair skin was from the powder he was wearing, gave He Yan some very hot foods to eat in the middle of the summer. He Yan began to sweat, had to wipe himself with his sleeves and in the process, revealed to the emperor that his fair beauty was 100% natural ~ his skin glowed even more with the cosmetics removed (《世說新語·容止第十四》: 何平叔美姿儀，面至白。魏明帝疑其傅粉，正夏月，與熱湯餅。既啖，大汗出，以朱衣自拭，色轉皎然). His kick-cosmetics’-ass fairness won him the nickname 傅粉何郎 (”powder-wearing Mr He”).

Not only would He Yan very likely be mistaken as a woman if this scene is transferred to a modern setting, but this scene can very well fit inside a Danmei story of the 21st century and is very, very likely to get axed by the Chinese censorship board for its visualisation. 

[Important observation from this anecdote: the emperor was totally into this trend too.]

The adjectives and phrases used above to describe these beautiful ancient Chinese men ~ 貌柔, 音容兼美, 白美, 美姿儀, 皎然 ~ have all become pretty much reserved for describing beauty in women nowadays. Beauty standards in ancient China were, as mentioned before, had gone through significantly long periods in which they were largely genderless. The character for beauty 美 (also in Danmei, 耽美) used to have little to no gender association. Free of gender associations as well were the names of many flowers. The characters for orchid (蘭) and lotus (蓮), for example, were commonly found in men’s names as late as the Republican era (early 20th century), but are now almost exclusively found in women’s names. Both orchid and lotus have historically been used to indicate 君子 (junzi, roughly, “gentlemen”), which have always been men. MDZS also has an example of a man named after a flower: Jin Ling’s courtesy name, given to him by WWX,  was 如蘭 (”like an orchid”). 

A related question may be this: why does ancient China associate beauty with fairness, with softness, with frailty? Likely, because Confucianist philosophy and customs put a heavy emphasis on scholarship ~ and scholars have mostly consisted of soft-spoken, not muscular, not working-under-the-sun type of men. More importantly, Confucianist scholars also occupied powerful government positions. Being, and looking like a Confucianist scholar was therefore associated with status. Indeed, it’s very difficult to look like jade when one was a farmer or a soldier, for example, who constantly had to toil under the sun, whose skin was constantly being dried and roughened by the elements. Having what are viewed as “macho” beauty traits as in the poster above ~ tanned skin, bulging muscles, bony structures (which also take away the jade’s smoothness) ~ were associated with hard labour, poverty and famine.

Along that line, 手無縛雞之力 (“hands without the strength to restrain a chicken”) has long been a phrase used to describe ancient scholars and students, and without scorn or derision. Love stories of old, which often centred around scholars were, accordingly, largely devoid of the plot lines of husbands physically protecting the wives, performing the equivalent of climbing up castle walls and fighting dragons etc. Instead, the faithful husbands wrote poems, combed their wife’s hair, traced their wife’s eyebrows with cosmetics (畫眉)...all activities that didn’t require much physical strength, and many of which are considered “feminine” nowadays.

Were there periods in Chinese history in which more ... sporty men and women were appreciated? Yes. the Tang dynasty, for example, and the Yuan and Qing dynasties. The Tang dynasty, as a very powerful, very open era in Chinese history, was known for its relations to the West (via the Silk Road). The Yuan and Qing dynasties, meanwhile, were established by Mongolians and Manchus respectively, who, as non-Han people, had not been under the influence of Confucian culture and grew up on horsebacks, rather than in schools.

The idea that beautiful Chinese men should have “macho” attributes was, therefore, largely a consequence of non-Han-Chinese influence, especially after early 20th century. That was when the characters for beauty (美), orchid (蘭), lotus (蓮) etc began their ... feminisation. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which started its reign of the country starting 1949, also has foreign roots, being a derivative of the Soviets, and its portrayal of ideal men has been based on the party’s ideology, painting them as members of the People’s Liberation Army (Chinese army) and its two major proletariat classes, farmers and industrial workers ~ all occupations that are “macho” in their aesthetics, but held at very poor esteem in ancient Chinese societies. All occupations that, to this day, may be hailed as noble by Chinese women, but not really deemed attractive by them.

Beauty, being an instinct, is perhaps much more resistant to propaganda.

If anything, the three terms Article O3 used to describe “effeminate” men ~ 奶油小生 “cream young men” (popularised in 1980s) , 花美男 “flowery beautiful men” (early 2000s), 小鲜肉 “little fresh meat” (coined in 2014 and still popular now) ~ only informs me how incredibly consistent the modern Chinese women’s view of ideal male beauty has been. It’s the same beauty the Chinese Communist Party has called feminine. It’s the same beauty found in Danmei. It’s the same beauty that, when witnessed in men in ancient China, was so revered that historians recorded it for their descendants to remember. It doesn’t mean there aren’t any women who appreciate the "macho” type ~ it’s just that, the appreciation for the non-macho type has never really gone out of fashion, never really changed. The only thing that is really changing is the name of the type, the name’s positive or negative connotations.

(Personally, I’m far more uncomfortable with the name “Little fresh meat” (小鲜肉) than 老婆 (wife). I find it much more insulting.)

Anyway, what I’d like to say is this: feminisation in Danmei ~ a genre that, by definition, is hyper-focused on aesthetics ~ may not be as "problematic” in Chinese as it is in English, because the Chinese tradition didn’t make that much of a differentiation between masculine and feminine beauty. Once again, this isn’t to say such mis-gendering isn’t disrespectful; it’s just that, perhaps, it is less disrespectful because Chinese still retains a cultural memory in which equating a beautiful man to a beautiful woman was the utmost flattery. 

I must put a disclaimer here: I cannot vouch for this being true for the general Chinese population. This is something that is buried deep enough inside me that it took a lot of thought for me to tease out, to articulate. More importantly, while I grow up in a Chinese-speaking environment, I’ve never lived inside China. My history knowledge, while isn’t shabby, hasn’t been filtered through the state education system.

I’d also like to point out as well, along this line of thought, that in *certain* (definitely not all) aspects, Chinese society isn’t as sexist as the West. While historically, China has periods of extreme sexism against women, with the final dynasties of Ming and Qing being examples, I must (reluctantly) acknowledge Chairman Mao for significantly lifting the status of women during his rule. Here’s a famous quote of his from 1955:

婦女能頂半邊天 Women can lift half the skies

The first marriage code, passed in 1950, outlawed forced marriages, polygamy, and ensured equal rights between husband and wife.  For the first time in centuries, women were encouraged to go outside of their homes and work. Men resisted at first, wanting to keep their wives at home; women who did work were judged poorly for their performance and given less than 50% of men’s wage, which further fuelled the men’s resistance. Mao said the above quote after a commune in Guizhou introduced the “same-work-same-wage” system to increase its productivity, and he asked for the same system to to be replicated across the country. (Source)

When Chairman Mao wanted something, it happened. Today, Chinese women’s contribution to the country’s GDP remains among the highest in the world.  They make up more than half of the country’s top-scoring students. They’re the dominant gender in universities, in the ranks of local employees of international corporations in the Shanghai and Beijing central business districts—among the most sought after jobs in the country. While the inequality between men and women in the workplace is no where near wiped out — stories about women having to sleep with higher-ups to climb the career ladder, or even get their PhDs are not unheard of, and the central rulership of the Chinese Communist Party has been famously short of women — the leap in women’s rights has been significant over the past century, perhaps because of how little rights there had been before ~ at the start of the 20th century, most Chinese women from relatively well-to-do families still practised foot-binding, in which their feet were literally crushed during childhood in the name of beauty, of status symbol. They couldn’t even walk properly.

Perhaps, the contemporary Chinese women’s economic contribution makes the sexism they encounter in their lives, from the lack of reproductive rights to the “leftover women” label, even harder to swallow. It makes their fantasies fly to even higher, more defiant heights. The popularity of Dangai right now is pretty much driven by women, as acknowledged by Article O3. Young women, especially, female fans who people have dismissed as “immature”, “crazy”, are responsible for the threat the Chinese government is feeling now by the genre.

This is no small feat. While the Chinese government complains about the “effeminate” men from Danmei / Dangai, its propaganda has been heavily reliant on stars who have risen to popularity to these genres. The film Dd is currently shooting, Chinese Peacekeeping Force (維和部隊), also stars Huang Jingyu (黄景瑜), and Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) ~ the three actors having shot to fame from The Untamed (Dangai), Addicted (Danmei), and Word of Honour (Dangai) respectively.  Zhang, in particular, played the “uke” role in Word of Honour and has also been called 老婆 (wife) by his fans. The quote in Article O3, “Ten years as a tough man known by none; one day as a beauty known by all” was also implicitly referring to him.

Perhaps, the government will eventually realise that millennia-old standards of beauty are difficult to bend, and by extension, what is considered appropriate gender expression of Chinese men and women. 

In the metas I’ve posted, therefore, I’ve hesitated in using terms such as homophobia, sexism, and ageism etc, opting instead to make long-winded explanations that essentially amount to these terms (thank you everyone who’s reading for your patience!). Because while the consequence is similar—certain fraction of the populations are subjected to systemic discrimination, abuse, given less rights, treated as inferior etc—these words, in English, also come with their own context, their own assumptions that may not apply to the situation. It reminds me of what Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina,

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Discrimination in each country, each culture is humiliating, unhappy in its own way. Both sexism and homophobia are rampant in China, but as their roots are different from those of the West, the ways they manifest are different, and so must the paths to their dissolution. I’ve also hesitated on calling out individual behaviours or confronting individuals for this reason. i-Danmei fandoms are where i-fans and c-fans meet, where English-speaking doesn’t guarantee a non-Chinese sociopolitical background (there may be students from China, for example; I’m also ... not entirely Western), and I find it difficult to articulate appropriate, convincing arguments without knowing individual backgrounds.

Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. Because I do hope feminisation will soon fade into extinction, especially in i-Danmei fandoms that, if they continue to prosper on international platforms, may eventually split from c-Danmei fandoms along the cultural (not language) line due to the vast differences in environmental constraints. My hope is especially true when real people are involved, and c-fandoms, I’d like to note, are not unaware of the issues surrounding feminisation ~ it has already been explicitly forbidden in BJYX’s supertopic on Weibo. 

At the same time, I’ve spent so many words above to try to explain why beauty can *sometimes* lurk behind such feminisations. Please allow me to end this post with one example of feminisation that I deeply dislike—and I’ve seen it used by fans on Gg as well—is 綠茶 (”green tea”), from 綠茶婊 (”green tea whore”) that means women who look pure / innocent but are, deep down, promiscuous / lustful. In some ways, its meaning isn’t so different from Daji 妲己, the consort blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. However, to me at least, the flattery in the feminisation is gone, perhaps because of the character “whore” (婊), because the term originated in 2013 from a notorious sex party rather than from a legendary beauty so maligned that The Investiture of the Gods (封神演義), the seminal Chinese fiction written ~2,600 years after Daji’s death, re-imagined her as a malevolent fox spirit (狐狸精) that many still remembers her as today.

Ah, to be caught between two cultures. :)

[matan4il]

ALICEEEEE. I’m still screaming about that episode and your meta 🥺🥺 Question... and I hope I can word this so it makes sense. Do you think everything buddie leading up to now has been too subliminal or implied and not obvious enough for them to make this leap with buddie? Like we see it 100%, but to the casual viewer, they might not have picked up on the parallels and the hidden meanings and symbolism? Sometimes I think it would be crazy not to see it, but then again there are people who don’t. I want buddie to happen sooooo bad and they’ve set it up so perfectly that it could happen(!!!) but I’m worried/wondering if it would be coming completely out of left field for their casual viewers and this would prevent its possibility. What do you think?

Hi, lovely Nonnie! Thank you so much for the kind words, and I'm with you, I'm still screaming over that ep as well! Oh, I get you fully. I do think a lot of casual viewers with a heteronormative mindset probably haven't seen any of what we've seen. At most they may think the Elf Lady bit was a weird joke at the expense of Buck and Eddie's characters. Which is a part of why, if 911 wants to make Buddie canon, it has to do it with a slow burn, it has to build up to it slowly, to show these viewers that this isn't out of left field, just like it isn't with any of the other slow burn couples the audience is used to. Which is one reason why I never thought they would just delve right in with a Buddie kiss. We have to have 'feelings realization' and 'pining away' first. Those are the stages when characters in love gather the sympathy of viewers, who slowly start rooting for the two to get together, if only so their fave can stop longing and start being happy. It will still miss some viewers, but a lot less than jumping right in. We still don't know for sure the show is going for canon Buddie, but it sure seems to be building towards that exact stage of a good slow burn. So here's hoping! Thank you for the great ask! xoxox

> To the Nonnie who wrote me a few days ago such a kind ask and mentioned my medical stuff and life, I hope you saw I replied and that I asked whether you'd be willing to step forward in DMs? Please! I'd really like to be able to properly hug you! xoxox

> To the Nonnie who wrote about how I answer my asks, would you mind contacting me in DMs? I have a few follow up questions. Thank you in advance! xoxox

(2 more under the cut)

Hi Alice! I don’t typically speculate AT ALL but I’m having a hard painting a picture in my mind in which Buddie doesn’t become canon. However, since I’m not convinced that the show runners will let it happen, I would like to guard my heart and prepare for the possibility that it doesn’t 😂 but like what could possibly happen... Carla tells Eddie to follow his heart, he looks very much doubtful and not in love (it’s all over your face, you sweet idiot), but his near death experience and Ana at his bedside suddenly makes him realize he does love her? What?! 🤔 That doesn’t make any sense at all and... boring. And what would have been the point of Carla’s comment? Then, Taylor makes it very clearly she wants to be friends, but seeing her friend in emotional distress suddenly makes her realize she wants to be in a relationship? What?! 🤨 That also makes not a shred of sense, especially given her character. I really don’t want you to help me speculate Buddie not becoming canon, but rather, can we agree that these narratives would be a bit of a stretch? (I’m not a writer, so maybe theres other ways that make more sense...I don’t wanna hear them 🙉😂). What do you think? I guess they could keep Buck and Eddie as just friends, but it seems like a lot of drama/build up (and interesting comments suggesting otherwise) for nothing, considering I don’t see either of the situations above happening. Literally the only reason for it would be to traumatized everyone (us and the characters) hahaha. I’m very interested to see how this plays out next week!! And I know you don’t really like to speculate either, so PLEASE don’t feel like you have to answer this ask. I won’t be upset at all. Thank you SO much for sharing your brilliant metas, you are so so insightful and they give me so much hope every week!!! 💛

Awwww! Thank you so much for this wonderful ask, Nonnie! I'm really happy to be sharing my thoughts with you and I'm so happy that you enjoy them so much! *HUGS* NGL, I thought about those scenarios with Ana and Taylor, too. And the sad reality is... sometimes TV shows do go for bad plots. I've been burned before. Even shows that did brilliant things and then turned around and went for the worst possible sequence of events. That hasn't been 911 so far, but there is no guarantee that the show won't do something dumb. But in terms of the narrative they're building, plus some of the hints they've been dropping in some promos this season (assuming those hints aren't just overhyping stuff), the only natural turn of events after the end of 413 would be a Buddie feelings realization. And I think it says a lot if even people like you and I, who don't like speculating, are over here thinking of this as the only reasonable continuation of what we've seen so far. Thank you so much, you kind lovely! xoxox

The set up just before Eddie gets shot has been (understandably) overlooked, but it’s important! We have two ambulances taking the mother and son away and see Eddie standing between them. We know from Carla’s insinuation that Eddie is grappling with what to do with his relationship. Can it just be him and Chris? Does Chris need a maternal figure? Where does Buck fit in? This shot, Eddie between mother and son, beautifully parallels his own dilemma. (+ Buck in front of him, just out of reach...)

Oooh, Nonnie! Very interesting and NGL, if that's what the show was going for, it would be pretty spectacular. The one thing that makes me hesitate is that Ana is not even close to being a co-parent to Chris so far. So yes, maybe Eddie's been envisioning her in that role and dating her because of it, but IDK that most viewers would see a mom in the same scene with Eddie and it would make them think of Ana. At the same time, I *do* think the storyline right before the sniper shoots intentionally emphasizes Eddie as a good dad, who can feel so much even for a stranger's kid, on purpose. It does connect with why he's really been dating Ana. So your view of that scene makes a lot of sense and thank you so much for sharing it! xoxox

[for-i-am-dying-of-such-love]

that time I watched Antony + Cleopatra

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Please don’t mistake my criticism of the episode with my hating it, because I actually think there’s a lot going on here with Xena (and Gabrielle too, but I am less focused on her arc) that’s quite nuanced and compelling. I love that Xena’s role in orchestrating Marc Antony’s downfall contributes to her moral and emotional conflict. What I abhor (and refuse to accept) is the suggestion that it’s born out of her falling in *love* with him, especially when there are far more consequential things in Xena’s life, past and present, fueling her angst in this moment. I have my own reading of what’s causing Xena’s uneasiness here, but more on that in a bit.

First: I think my greatest frustration is with the show itself. Like, THE FUCKING AUDACITY to foist a Boyfriend of the Week on us with just a handful of episodes left in season five. After everything, *everything*, that Xena & Gabrielle have suffered through (actual, literal HELL), and the continued devotion they show for one another, it’s just not believable that Xena would fall in love with someone else, let alone a ROMAN GENERAL. The emphasis here is important, but patience grasshopper, I’ll get to that.

Now, here’s where we start to get into the weeds with this notion of ‘Xena falling in love’ and there’s a lot to unpack around it, but before I do, let me just finish unspooling the threads of frustration I have with the show and it’s AUDACITY. Because it’s important to note that the show’s intention *was* to frame Xena’s attraction for Marc Antony as romantic - on top of whatever else she may have initially felt (indifference, intrigue, lust) - and not just sexual. And while I’ll concede that a story where Xena is forced to sacrifice her heart for the greater good by killing the man she loves is intriguing, it’s one we’ve already seen (Immortal Beloved). More than that, it’s a story that doesn’t fit with the Xena we know now, and the show, better than anyone, should have recognized this.

I know I’m being hard on the show runners here, so allow me this small tangent to give a little contextual understanding before furthering my arguments. As much fun as it is wrestling with the internal logic of this show (a surprisingly uphill battle all the time), I understand the unfortunate truth is that character motivations don’t always drive the story in the ways you would expect. Sometimes external factors complicate the stories XWP wants to tell and the ways it’s *allowed* to tell them. I get that.

I also get that Xena: Warrior Princess - both the show and the character - was expected to be sexy (hello, an easy win because Xena & Gabrielle). And that means, from time to time, it had to tease the audience with sex and seduction and romance (I guess fighting demons in Hell for the soul of your SOULMATE is not romantic enough, but I DIGRESS). What that often translated as on screen was a parade of Boyfriends of the Week for our two favourite Gal Pals, and by this point in the show, well, frankly it had been a while since Xena had had her a boyfriend (the Ares arc in season 5 doesn’t count). Simply put: a Marc Antony type was past due.

In this case, he wasn’t just past due, he served a dual purpose - fulfilling their Boyfriend of the Week quota, but also helping to re-establish Xena’s sexuality after she’d had her baby. I happen to think the latter take is overly simplistic and misguided (because, what, pregnant women are not also capable of being sexual creatures?), but it’s something Rob Tapert has commented on. So, ok, sure, fine whatever.

To be fair, I’m not sure if the show was deliberately signalling the return of Sexualized!Xena, or if it was simply a byproduct of the chemistry between the characters, and the inherent sensuality of the story’s setting. Regardless, the end result was certainly titillating. And I get it. I get why they want Boyfriends of the Week sometimes. Sex sells, and this episode was a blockbuster.

And before I return again to being hard on the show runners about dumb boyfriends, I just want to point out that my specific problem isn’t that Xena has been given a *boy*friend. Xena is bisexual, so men are always going to be an option when she’s considering a romantic or sexual partner. My issue is that she’s considering *any* romantic partner at all! By the gods, she’s essentially married to Gabrielle at this point.

Ay, but there’s the rub. Because the same expectation that dictated XWP should be sexy, also dictated that it should be heteronormative. The show can repeatedly double down on Xena’s & Gabrielle’s emotional and spiritual fidelity but it can never be seen explicitly to be sexual too (just a reminder, I haven’t seen S6 yet). That’s the unfortunate and uncomfortable reality of television in the late 90s and early 00s.

But this is where I take umbrage: XWP may’ve been limited (by studio notes) to giving us a chalk outline of what Xena’s & Gabrielle’s relationship really looked like, but they most definitely had the ability to control how they coloured the relationships Xena & Gabrielle had with their Boyfriends of the Week. And again, in ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ the show chose to frame it as a love story, a romance, when simply playing it off as Xena’s libido run amok would have satisfied the episode’s need for sex appeal, while also honouring the fact that her heart has long been spoken for (don’t worry: taking Xena’s heart out of the equation won’t lessen her moral or emotional conflict any - I’m getting there!).

Because here’s the thing: Xena getting caught up in the heady thrill of a seduction play, especially with a man as attractive and powerful as Marc Antony is totally believable. And really, Xena taken in by *lust* makes sense, especially at this point in her life. I mean, it’s been a while since she’s had to play this seductive cat-and-mouse game (Ares doesn’t count) and maybe she’s forgotten how easy it is to slip into this character, how much fun it can be. Maybe it’s even a little liberating - this return to form from when she was wild and free - because a lot has changed since she last had to do this; she’s changed and in ways she never anticipated. She’s settled down, even if she’s still travelling the known world. Made a commitment to Gabrielle to share a life together, had a baby, and now the three of them are carving out their own little domestic sphere. And all of this is happening while she’s still reconciling the person she was before with the person she is now. Maybe she’s a little itchy.

Because this… this tension, the cadence of a feint and parry charm offensive, it’s familiar. Comfortable in a way she didn’t know she missed until she felt it again. It would be easy to see her drunk with dark delight, to momentarily lose sight of her head. It would be believable. What’s not believable is that she - a pragmatist - would ever lose sight of her heart. Because the stakes of the game are so high, for Egypt but also for her. (And for you in the back who’s clearly read ahead on the syllabus and is about to point out Xena’s checkered romantic history and her self-proclaimed soft spot for Bad Boys Who Love Like Fools - don’t worry, we’ll get there too.)

What I’m taking a generous amount of time to say is this: if they simply wanted to give us a lush and sexy episode, they could have delivered on the sexiness without attaching it to a love story! We are long past believing Xena only kisses people she’s in love with, or that she’s in love with all the people she kisses. There’s no need to pretend her sexual agency is only relevant or operational within the confines of a romantic plot line. But more than that, throwing an unbelievable romance into the mix really only serves to threaten the integrity of Xena’s motivations, because it risks reducing the entirety of her turmoil to: Xena loses another boyfriend, how le sad. And that is absolutely not the point.

Because the point is this: Rome fucking corrupts and perverts everything it touches. And Xena’s motivations are built from her (and now Gabrielle’s) tortured history with the empire and the men who run it. And if you’ll permit me, like 4,000 words, we can get into it and, hopefully, you’ll agree that shit is heavy enough on Xena’s mind without a ‘star-crossed lovers’ storyline. Remember, it was only a year ago that they both were nailed up by Romans and left to die under a cold, grey sky at the foot of Mount Amaro. That cross alone, and the long shadow it casts, is more than capable of supporting the dramatic weight of this episode, never mind the crosses that came before it.

So, I can’t overstate the importance of Xena’s past connection with Caesar and Rome. It informed so much of who Xena was to become, as a cruel and bloodthirsty warlord, and then later, as a warrior fighting for good. Even now, after Caesar’s death, that connection is still informing her. It will never stop. And, Rome will never be absolved of its sins against Xena & Gabrielle. There’s simply too much trauma in that shared past. Trauma that‘s telegraphed onto every interaction Xena has with Rome and its strongmen going forward.  

And it’s exactly the reason Xena would never fall in love with Marc Antony. She might well lust after his body, but she will never pine for his devotion. Because, even in that moment under the stars when he is just a man with his chest cracked open, offering up to her his heart, beating strong and hungry in want of her affection, she can’t help but see the hardened, black veins where the love of Rome - like a creeping scourge - has left its vile mark. Of course she recognizes it, her own heart bore the same disease. A gift from Caesar. The pretty boy with his pretty words and his pretty promises, who so subtly disarmed Xena and then skillfully stripped away her defences until she had bared her heart to him. Who didn’t hesitate to flay it with a knife of her own making, it’s blade poisoned with his love for Rome.  

He did not take her heart - sometimes she wished he had - but left it to rot in her chest, slow and angry. And it nearly destroyed her. Nearly drained her of every ounce of humanity she had left, as hatred and spite and cold brutality filled her up instead. He had weaponized Xena’s affection for him and used it against her and she was forever changed. In that singular moment she saw Caesar, and Rome - because Caesar was Rome and Rome was Caesar and they were one and the same - for what they truly were: insidious and unrepentant in their calculated villainy. And she hated - not just the man who betrayed her, but the monster who nursed him with poisoned milk, and all the other strongmen who nursed at the same teat. Because in that moment too, Xena learned that all the men who kneeled before Rome and lusted after her glory were the same.

But she didn’t let her hatred go unproductive. She had been careless and imprudent in her dealings with Caesar, and nearly paid for it with her life. Except she survived and then thrived, in her own insidious, unrepentant, calculated villainy. And she never forgot what Caesar had done to her, how he had done it. She turned it over and over and over again in her mind. Studied it from every angle. Studied *him*. Until she knew how he thought, how he moved, where he was weak and unsuspecting. Until she knew every single one of his plays, and how best to counter them. Where and when to lay siege. A secret weapon she cultivated, not just to destroy the man who destroyed her heart, but to lay waste to all the fools who followed in his footsteps. She wouldn’t be taken in by Rome again.

And, to be fair, the episode doesn’t try to run from this history. It just doesn’t linger in it any longer than is necessary to give a brief nod to Brutus and the crucifixion (which is a shame, because it informs so much of both Xena’s & Gabrielle’s psychology, but we’re getting there!!!). Even still, Gabrielle’s first words are loaded with its legacy, if not also quiet resignation: “Are we really going to do this?” Because: Fuck! Rome, again? They’re only willing to go another round with Rome because of Cleopatra, only willing to embrace the ghosts this will stir up because they feel they owe it to a friend.

So, of course they’re going to do this. Only, it’s no longer about vengeance, at least not the white fury that once burned hot in Xena’s veins. This is different. Xena’s ire still seethes, but she doesn’t plan to wield it like a mighty sword, rather she’ll channel it with the precision of a surgeon’s scalpel poised to excise a tumour, deliberate and clinical. The plotting is easy - Xena has a library of schemes stored away in the vast reserves of her grey matter - but made easier by the fact that she knows Caesar’s playbook so intimately. The man may be dead but he lives on in Rome and the hearts of all the faithful men who love her - proud and predictable. Puppets whose strings she knows she can deftly manoeuvre.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            The problem is that Xena’s too comfortable in her self-assuredness. Her plan and her assumptions of how Roman strongmen operate and her ability to manage everything is founded on her understanding of Caesar. And none of these men are the next Caesar.  And it’s a problem, because this was supposed to be a quick and straightforward trip up the Nile to Memphis to do a little housekeeping on behalf of a friend and it’s been complicated by the fact that her pawns are not being cooperative.

This entire endeavour is not what she was expecting, Antony is not at all what she was expecting. He’s disarmingly handsome and charming, like many of Rome’s great strongmen, and their chemistry is electric - a bonus when you’re really trying to sell your part in a seduction play - but she realizes a little too late that the game she plays with him is not the one she had planned on. It’s actually much more dangerous.

And, I get that many fans believe Xena’s sexual attraction to Marc Antony is meant to telegraph an underlying romantic attraction as well. That as their physical encounters become more intimate and intense, so too must Xena’s feelings for him. And it’s easy to read it this way because Gabrielle’s own jealousy seems to reinforce the very idea, and Xena, herself, looks increasingly unsettled after each interaction. But I think it’s too simplistic an answer. Xena’s unease about Antony is growing because her plan has been frustrated by unforeseen hurdles, none of which include her falling in love with him.  And Xena is frustrated in return.

We totally see this play out in Xena’s treatment of Gabrielle. She is curt and cool and dismissive (at least until their balcony talk), especially after Gabrielle puts a spectacular halt to Xena’s picnic with Marc Antony. But Xena’s distance here is not because she’s being defensive (at Gabrielle’s continued suggestions that she’s lost the plot), or because she’s angry for the interruption (ok, I’m sure there’s a very base part of Xena that *was* disappointed), or because she’s hurt (how could Gabrielle not have faith in her?). It may come across that way, but, really, Xena’s just acting out her frustrations.

Because this whole situation with Marc Antony, if a little intriguing at first, is irritating. And Xena’s frustrated. On many levels. The most obvious, and least surprising, being that Antony’s attentions have left her itchy and it’s distracting. And not because the chemistry between them has set off a chain reaction of romantic feelings for him - Xena is not spending her free time daydreaming about the man behind the General. It’s simply because there’s a kind of fire in her veins now that she wasn’t expecting to deal with this time out and it has the tendency to keep her on edge. And it’s not that she can’t handle it - spontaneous combustion is sometimes an occupational hazard when she’s playing at desire - it’s just that this particular element was not part of her plan.

That’s the real frustration: Xena’s not used to her plans being stymied. Her opening move - rolling herself, naked and chained, out from a carpet - though, brazen, should have been the perfect lure, should have painted her Cleopatra as an easy, if not unwilling, target for Antony’s ambitions. Because all Roman strongmen are the same: pretty boys with pretty words and pretty promises and pretty predictable tastes for cunning and seduction that they weaponize for the glory of Rome; heartless but for their love of res publica.

And so, this exact play is one Xena is confident any ambitious Roman would pounce on - remember: she knows their playbook, was once herself on the near-losing end of such a gambit, back when she was still a little naive and the right words could soften her heart; before her legs and her psyche endured the full force of Rome’s wrath. Except Antony doesn’t take the bait, like she expects, and it catches Xena flat-footed, a position she rarely finds herself in and one she isn’t particularly fond of. And so now she finds herself having to regroup and change tactics on the fly, which is fine - she’s used to that too - it’s just that her forward momentum is frustrated by the fact that she can’t get a good read on Marc Antony, doesn’t quite know his angle. He’s an unknown and unpredictable variable in a plot that already has a lot of moving parts and it introduces just the tiniest element of doubt into the equation.

Which is why it doesn’t help that Gabrielle is dubious of Xena’s motivations surrounding Antony. Not that Xena blames her for her concerns. She knows they aren’t really meant to provoke - that they come from a place of genuine anxiety, born from Gabrielle’s intimate understanding of Xena’s unhappy past with both bad-boy types and the ravages of Rome. Knows that Gabrielle, whose heart has traced all the scars of that past and let her love be a salve, is steadfast in her belief in Xena, even when the wheels are falling off. But Gabrielle’s questions do provoke. They pique Xena’s frustrations. It leaves her feeling cagey - like her back is up - and she hates it because it means she’s dangerously close to being on the defensive.

And really, by the time Marc Antony invites her to meet him under the pyramids, Xena is running out of options. Her back isn’t just up, it feels dangerously close to being backed up against a wall. She’s only playing this game because she’s confident she’ll win - that’s why she led with such a shameless opening bid, presenting herself to Antony as she did - but with each round Antony’ coyishness has forced her to up the ante while she waits for him to play his hand. Once upon a time she might have enjoyed and encouraged this slow, deliberate back-and-forth - would have been willing to play it out until she was out of chips (and her clothes) - but she no longer has the patience. Not that she’s entirely immune now to the thrill of what they’re doing - Xena has always enjoyed the hunt and then playing with her food - it’s just that she needs him to reveal his hand before he can call her bluff because there aren’t anymore chips to spare and she has too much on the line to go all in.

But Xena’s emotional conflict isn’t just being driven by her frustrations with the way her plan is playing out - it’s priming the engine, to be sure - there are other feelings at work here too. And chief among them is a deep and growing unease with the roles she and Gabrielle have cast themselves in and the very real consequences that will come from their interference. It doesn’t sit well with Xena, the way they’re toying with the futures of Egypt and Rome - as if they are just prizes to be won and Brutus, Antony and Octavius are the game pieces that need to be maneuvered around the board until a winner appears. As if there aren’t millions of lives at stake. She hates it. Hates that she has been somehow cast above it all, to dabble, like some unworthy god, in the lives of so many, and yet also stuck in the thick of it, an unwitting pawn herself.

And the longer Xena’s game is in play, the murkier everything becomes. What seems like a straightforward plan on paper, is actually a mess of competing interests, each as cold and ruthless as the next. And right at the heart of it all: Xena (and Gabrielle too), judge, jury & executioner. Because despite her business-like approach when they arrived in Egypt, Xena’s ability to remain detached and objective is under pressure, especially as all the players in her game reveal themselves and their motivations resolve into finer focus.

And there’s something about Marc Antony. He’s truly unnerved Xena. Because he didn’t play by her rules, the rules she owed to Rome - and he, a Roman no less. Maybe there would have been a time in her past when this would have endeared him to her, but now it’s left her uneasy. He needles at her resolve, the confidence she has in her plan. There’s a part of her that starts to wonder if she’s mis-read him completely, and that’s the start of a slippery slope into thinking she has mis-read this entire situation. And she doesn’t have the time for back-sliding.

But the problem is this: no matter how she looks at it there’s no clear answer, only devastating consequences if she’s wrong. For herself, for the lives she’s playing with, and probably for most of the known world. Because Rome and her strongmen will stop at nothing to take it all. And that thought never leaves her. Rome is a constant drum beat in her mind: Rome Rome Rome. Xena knows what Rome is capable of, what these three men jockeying for her power are capable of, even if Xena doesn’t know *them*. It echoes in her mind every time one of them is before her - even as Marc Antony’s kisses leave behind a fever in her blood - Rome Rome Rome.

And while her mind whirls constantly, turning over strategy and tactics, she’s tried to keep her heart mostly out of this affair. Left it unburdened by the machinations of statecraft and violent political intrigue. Except for a dull ache - when she thinks about Eve downriver in Alexandria, or when her eye catches Gabrielle in an unguarded moment - Xena could almost believe the desert sun had turned her heart to dust. Almost. Except that ache is there and, like her frustration and unease, it’s been growing more persistent.

Because Xena has more than herself to consider now. Sure, she’s spent the last five years dedicated to preserving the greater good - whether fighting for her closest friends or the nameless, faceless masses - but it’s different now, she’s different, and not just because she has a daughter who needs her to come home. She has Gabrielle too. They have a little family. And even though Xena has loved Gabrielle for years, she feels fiercely protective of Gabrielle’s heart and love now, in a way she’s never felt before, with anyone. But then, maybe it’s not surprising: they did battle demons in hell for each other’s soul. That sort of thing changes everything.

And Xena can see how this is affecting Gabrielle, even if she doesn’t say it out loud. Remembers the pierce of iron through the flesh of Gabrielle’s hands as surely as she remembers it through her own. Rome has robbed them both and Xena sees the weight of it in Gabrielle’s gaze. Sees, too, the way Gabrielle traps her bottom lip in her teeth as Xena smiles seductively at Antony. Watches the flush creep across Gabrielle’s pale skin when Antony’s kisses become more emboldened. Catches the dangerous flash in Gabrielle’s green eyes. The one that hasn’t gone away since they arrived in Egypt. Xena sees and it makes her heart lurch. To watch her beloved watch her take delight in the charms of another. And to know the sight of it is a white hot grip on Gabrielle’s heart. Xena feels the burning clench around hers too.

And this is the Xena we see when she meets Marc Antony under the pyramids. Frustrated and uneasy, heart aching. Tired. Tired of this game and her role in it. Tired of Rome, but mostly tired of all the horrible things that happen by her hand because of Rome. And then there is Marc Antony waiting for her. Disarmingly handsome and charming, unnerving in his refusal to play into her hands, a Roman above all: a pretty boy with pretty words and pretty promises. And like all Romans, she expects the promises to be lies. Except, there’s something in the way he’s played his hand, the way he’s held back all this time, that tells her there might be truth in his words when he tells her he wants her love.

She can sense his confession even before the words are out. Maybe on some level she always knew, had seen the inevitability of this moment even as she refused to believe in the possibility. But his words pierce the haze that has kept her from seeing her own folly. And it’s like lightning in a bottle. The way every frayed nerve snaps and jumps and arcs all at once - the rain of sparks illuminating everything that had left her mind and heart unsettled - in an instant of sudden, total understanding. It steals her breath and slices at her heart, this clear and unbearable realization. What she’s done and what she still has to do to bring this absurd game to a close.  

See, she’s made a terrible miscalculation. Because in her mind Roman brutes are heartless. Capable of loving only Rome. And her seduction of Marc Antony was only ever meant to be a power play. How could it be anything more? She had weaponized lust and sex in the past to get the things she wanted, this was to be no different. Except that it was. And her hubris - her prideful overconfidence in her infallible, little plan, coupled with her resolute belief that all Roman men are Caesar at their core - has led her to overplay her hand. Not that she won’t still find a way to win. It’s just the cost will be much higher than she could have anticipated.

Because she has unwittingly weaponized Marc Antony’s affection for her and now she is going to have to deliberately use it against him. It is devastating. To see his chest bared to her so willingly, and to know that she must flay his heart with a knife of his own making. It shakes her resolve. It brings tears to her eyes.

But of course it brings tears to her eyes. She has done the unthinkable: she herself has become Caesar. The thing she hated most. The man who won her trust and her love and then betrayed her. Cold and hard and heartless. Brutal and ruthless and willingly so. In this moment she is Caesar. And soon she will become Rome, sacrificing another man, who might yet have been good, in the name of her unrequited love.

This moment under the pyramids is so important. Everything hangs on this declaration from Marc Antony, on Xena’s tears. I know people see it as confirmation of Xena’s feelings for him - and she has feelings to be sure - but they’re not romantic. Xena’s emotional reaction, and the genuine unease she wears thereafter do not hinge on her being in love with him. Xena’s humanity is enough to soften both her heart and her regard for Antony in this moment. Her compassion and regret are not dependent on attraction or attachment. And so the story doesn’t need to frame her tears for Marc Antony as a lover’s heartbreak, because her heart was always going to break for him, as it breaks for herself and Gabrielle and the ruin left in their wake.

And there will be ruin. Xena is certain of it. Although, for a moment, she might have held a glimmer of hope for Antony. This Roman who’s willing to give up his army for love. For love. Not that she wants what he’s offering. She just wants to believe he could be different. Not for her. For Rome. But then his sword is hilt deep in the belly of one of Brutus’ men and then slicing through the throat of another. And Xena knows - even as she and Gabrielle dance around the subject hours later, bathed in moonlight and disquiet - that any hope for him is misplaced. Knows exactly what he will do with Brutus’ army and Octavius if he prevails. Is keenly aware of what awaits if he learns of her deception and is allowed to live.

Because once upon a time she was the one who trusted and loved and was betrayed and lived. And thousands paid the price at the end of her sword for Caesar’s treachery. Xena can’t even imagine what Marc Antony, favoured son of Rome, might do. Can’t risk the chance. So he must pay the price at the end of her sword too. Xena wishes it weren’t so, tries to avoid the fight that will take his life - because now that she’s seen the humanity in her enemy she wants no further part in this madness she’s helped to orchestrate - only she doesn’t have a choice now. Alea iacta est - the die is cast, and her blade and her betrayal find Antony’s heart all the same. And when the end comes, there’s Xena, soaked in blood and rain and tears, in the middle of this fucking mess, the dead and wounded scattered about her. She can’t escape the truth of it then: she did this.

And it’s this! All of this - the many layers of trauma in need of reckoning and Xena’s tangled heart, twisted further by the part she is forced to play in Egypt and the goddamn fucking senselessness of it all - that carries the emotional weight of the episode. Who needs a Boyfriend of the Week when there’s already all this angst?

And, ok, I hear you say: Pattie, you’ve made some valid points about Xena’s state of mind, but why can’t Xena’s emotional and moral conflict be born from this fraught personal history AND from the fact that she *was* falling in love with Antony? Wouldn’t that make it an EVEN MORE dramatic and powerful story? Because she was specifically falling in love with a ROMAN GENERAL, the very epitome of the thing she has spent most of her adult life hating?

I would like to agree with you, dear skeptical reader, but the simple truth is that there isn’t room for both in *this* story. The reality is this: a 44-minute-long, action-focused show like XWP just doesn’t always have a lot of extra time to linger on the emotional beats. And this episode, in particular, already so busy with all the palace and political intrigue, has even less. So much of what we’re able to read of Xena’s psychological state - and *why* it’s so deeply fraught - doesn’t even come from this episode. It relies on past emotional beats to inform our understanding of her behaviour. (And, I don’t know, perhaps this is why a casual viewer might pass off Xena’s and Marc Antony’s interplay as romantic - because most of the horrible things that have happened to Xena by Roman hands are left unsaid, and surely, if we’d been reminded of them we would never accept that Xena would fall in love with a golden boy of the empire.)

As it is, there’s barely space for any kind of meditation on how either Xena or Gabrielle are feeling about the roles they are being forced to play and the seemingly callous and ruthless tactics they increasingly use to do so, let alone a tenuous romance. And the former is what this episode should be actively engaging with: the moral ambiguity that has been driving season five and will continue on through the end of the series.  

Further complicating things with a love story, doesn’t make the episode more dramatic, it just takes up emotional bandwidth that could be better served elsewhere. Because, yes, Marc Antony is the epitome of the thing Xena has spent more than a decade hating! Xena’s history with Caesar and Rome (and everything they both stand for) is richly layered and devastating. It cannot be erased or ignored. To suggest that she is capable of falling in love with Antony (and to ask us to then believe it) without also deliberately exploring the tension inherent in that act is obtuse.

Those kinds of emotional beats need room to fucking breathe. And the episode doesn’t do this because there’s just too much happening. It tries - in broad, moody strokes - to capture the tenor of Xena’s emotional landscape, and it succeeds in wrapping us up in the same angst that drapes Xena, but the source is nebulous. Her haunted looks and tears - under the sphinx and when her sword finds Antony’s belly - can only telegraph so much, especially when we have been given very little reason to feel invested in her supposed affection towards him.

And here’s where we finally touch on Xena’s checkered romantic history - and her self-proclaimed soft spot for Bad Boys Who Love Like Fools (10 points to Ravenclaw for your patience) - because I’m sure you’re about to suggest that Marc Antony’s air of a Bad Boy is itself cause enough to garner Xena’s affection. Powerful, disarmingly handsome, and charming? Check, check, check. Capable with his ‘sword’? Bonus: super check. But just because her past is littered with dysfunctional relationships and Bad Boys - though I’m sure not all were bad, and some were definitely women - doesn’t mean she’s interested in repeating her mistakes. The Xena of old is vastly different from the one we know by season five, even if there are parts of her that are very much the same.

The principal driving force in her early adult life and formative romantic relationships was lust. It ruled over every part of her. Lust for: power and for violence and for blood and for riches and for infamy, and, of course, for sexual gratification. And so, she sought out partners - themselves driven by the same hunger - who could satisfy all of her desires, not just her (very) carnal appetite. She fell hard and fast and burned white hot until something, or someone, else came along and made her feel even more incandescent. In those early days, Xena wasn’t looking for *love*, she was looking for a good time.

Now, that’s not to say Xena’s past romantic entanglements were frivolous or lacking in genuine sentiment. At the very least, I suspect many were sustained by the warm affection that comes naturally from the intimacy of sharing your life with someone, whether they’re riding into battle alongside you or just warming your bed over a long winter. Nor is it meant to be dismissive of whatever fondness she felt for her lovers. Because: not all love looks the same. There are different kinds of love and different ways to love.  

For Xena, though, whose heart had been so thoroughly and devastatingly mangled by Caesar’s betrayal, love was immaterial. At best, it was the unintended, if pleasurable, byproduct of a mutually beneficial arrangement. At worst it was a weakness that her enemies could exploit. Mostly, it was just a silly notion to scoff at. And the feeling Xena would come to associate with love - whether she acknowledged it as such, or not - was informed by both the dynamics of her relationships with Bad Boys and her own dark, irrepressible designs. It was selfish, and often cruel. Grounded in hot blooded impulses and savage desire, rather than growing out of an honest and patient connection.

And it became so thoroughly ingrained in her psyche. It was her overriding view of love. Even after she came to recognize how different love could be - and look and feel - once it was no longer centred in selfishness, when it was open and giving and kind, it was a struggle for Xena to undo her conditioning, to rewrite her love language. Because: first, she had to accept that she was worthy of this new kind of love, and then she had to actually accept it once it was offered.

But, old habits die hard, even for Xena, and I’m sure there were times - when she was just beginning to reframe how she viewed love and was learning how to reopen her heart - that she slipped back into her outmoded ways of thinking. Conflating lust with something else; allowing herself to be tempted by dalliances with partners who stoked her selfish desires, instead of tempering them. And maybe if Xena had crossed paths with Marc Antony then - back at the beginning of the series when her history with Rome was still messy but not nearly as tortuous as it is by the end of season five (you know after Britannia and its fallout which was the beginning of The Rift, and the deaths of Crassus and Ephiny and Pompy and the countless others who were the collateral damage surrounding those events, and, of course, Xena’s & Gabrielle’s own death on the cross) - I’d be willing to believe that she could love him.

Because, at one time Xena might have been interested in a man like Antony, might have been able to look past the Roman tunic and pursued him, taken in by his magnetism and allure. But by this point in the series Xena just isn’t interested, and not because her duplicity has made it impossible for her to be, but because by now her entire understanding of love - of being loved and giving love and nurturing it and making room for it to grow - has fundamentally changed. It’s been re-centred in selflessness, and everything that Marc Antony represents is antithetical to this new appreciation.

And I get that there’s an argument in here somewhere, that suggests Xena’s new approach to love might have softened her heart in such a way that she’s both able and willing to see the man behind the General, and be open to loving him too. But I would argue that the very things, the very people, whose love has transformed Xena’s heart are also the very things that would stop her from ever letting her heart go there. It’s not just that her point of reference on love has changed, it’s that she’s had years now of lived experience to break that cognitive dissonance between her attitude - knowing the kind of love she wants, the kind of love that’s *good* for her - and her behaviour - choosing that reaffirming, selfless love instead of the tempestuous, selfish one. She’s not blind to her past weaknesses, she knows exactly the sort of temptation Marc Antony offers - as surely as Gabrielle does the moment she lays eyes on him - but recognizing it is not akin to considering it. Because: Xena’s already found the love she needs and wants (and knows she’s earned and deserves).

Ok, but what of Xena’s admission on the balcony, when she cops to having a soft spot for Bad Boys Who Love Like Fools? I think it’s less about admitting (to herself as much as Gabrielle) that she’s developed romantic feelings for Marc Antony, as it is about Xena acknowledging a certain sort of fondness she feels for these ‘Bad Boys’. A fondness that’s born from a mutual understanding. Because: I think Xena sees herself in these men - at least an earlier version of herself - when she was ‘bad’ and foolhardy at love, and her heart tugs at the memory of it. Some curious mix of nostalgia and empathy, that softens her regard for them.

And she certainly sees herself in Marc Antony. The parallels between her story with Caesar and the story she’s now playing out with Antony are unavoidable, and if she’s cast herself as Caesar in this shadow play then Marc Antony is her younger self. Of course she would have a soft spot for him, she knows how this story ends. Knows, specifically, what it’s like to be willing to give your trust and your love only to be betrayed in return. And, of course, it’s made only more complicated with the knowledge that she’s the one who will ultimately be his ruin.

So, finally, exhausted and exasperated and, like 7,000 words into this, I hear you ask: what does it really matter? Xena doesn’t choose Marc Antony in the end, so what does it matter if it was lust or love or guilt or a fucking mid-life crisis that was driving her in this episode? Well, dear, patient reader: it matters because Gabrielle deserves better (THIS IS A BOLD STATEMENT, I KNOW, AND IT’S NOT AN INDICTMENT ON XENA’S CHARACTER EITHER, IT’S JUST THAT I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF GABRIELLE’S HEART, OK! AND THE ONE THING THIS EPISODE DOES IS GIVE GABRIELLE THOSE LITTLE BEATS WHERE WE LINGER ON HER VISIBLE REACTIONS TO XENA’S TETE A TETE WITH ANTONY AND SHE’S CLEARLY JEALOUS AND HURT AND WORRIED AND SO, LET’S NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT HER EMOTIONAL STAKES ARE ALSO INCREDIBLY HIGH IN THIS EPISODE, NOT JUST BECAUSE HER LIFE PARTNER IS SEDUCING SOME DUDE, BUT ALSO BECAUSE THE LEVELS OF BRUTALITY SHE’S INCREASINGLY HAVING TO EMPLOY ARE ALARMING. AND SO, SOMEONE IN THE WRITER’S ROOM WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN THEY WERE OUTLINING THE STORY - UNDERSTANDING THAT THERE’S AN UNDERCURRENT IN XENA’S & GABRIELLE’S RELATIONSHIP THAT WOULD MAKE SEEING XENA WITH ANTONY UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT THEN NOT ALSO RECOGNIZING THAT THAT SAME UNDERCURRENT WOULD MAKE IT EQUALLY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR XENA. AND IT’S JUST LIKE: TEAM, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT TO GABRIELLE? HER HEART MUST HAVE BEEN IN A TERRIBLE STATE. AND WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE XENA COMPLICIT IN THIS?)

But, seriously, I’ve spent all this time diving deep into this episode and the ways it comes up short and why, and while I’ve alluded to it, I’ve mostly avoided the elephant in the room.

We need to talk about Gabrielle.

Because: Gabrielle is at the heart of why a romance between Xena and Marc Antony feels contrived and unconvincing. At this point in the show, it’s clear Xena & Gabrielle are fully and completely committed to each other (and, yes, I know that doesn’t necessarily preclude either of them from also seeking romantic or sexual partners elsewhere... I just don’t think they’re the sharing types, but I DIGRESS) - I mean, we *just* had ‘Kindred Spirits’ where they were nesting and talking about domestic bliss and privately teasing each other about their sex life in the most blatant way possible and failing miserably at breaking up but winning at being cute and married and adoringly in love. And I think it’s important to acknowledge the weight of Xena’s decision to very clearly have Gabrielle as her *life* partner - because implicit in the act of choosing to commit yourself to another person is a vow of fidelity, a bond that would be near-holy to Xena, whose word means everything.

But more to the point: Xena loves Gabrielle and Gabrielle loves Xena, and their love has been the beating heart of this show from the beginning. Gabrielle’s care and tenderness has been transformative - everything that Xena has come to understand about love, everything that she does to honour and protect it, is because of Gabrielle and the heart she’s so selflessly given of. And it’s this love story - and how the show has framed its slow and beautiful unravelling - that becomes the bench mark, the gold standard, for how all other love stories in this universe should be viewed, for how Xena, herself, now views love.

So, I guess what I’ve been saying all along is this: Xena can’t possibly be falling in love with Marc Antony because she’s already in love. Deeply, profoundly, bound-for-all-eternity in love. And no one, in this life (or any other, let’s be real) will ever compare. Not pretty boys with pretty words and pretty promises. Not Bad Boys Who Love Like Fools. Not even a god himself. There is only Gabrielle.

[adiwriting]

Flash Fic: Another fic born out of a discussion with @litwitlady about needing happy fluffy fic from the Lost Decade. This is another missing moment from Invisible String. 

Rules: Write for 30 minutes uninterrupted. At the end of the 30 minutes, post whatever you come up with, unedited.

****

In the middle of Michael’s spring semester his junior year at UNM, Alex is granted four days leave suddenly. He’s been stationed in Korea since January and they’d been told it’s meant to be a permanent station for him. It’s only been 74 days since they last saw each other, it’s hardly the longest they’ve been apart. But knowing this separation is long term, they’ve felt every day of it differently than they have before. 

So Michael had gotten a message from Alex approximately 36 hours ago and 15 hours later, they were meeting at a motel outside of Phoenix. Michael’s school schedule is insane this semester with 5 classes and 2 labs, but he doesn’t care. He’s going to spend every second he can with Alex while he can. The likelihood of him getting out to Korea isn’t high no matter how many times they try and figure it out. 

ARE YOU SURE HE CAN’T FIND US? Michael asks as they both get dressed in order to grab breakfast from the diner down the street. They’d purposefully picked a small town in Arizona to limit the likelihood that Jesse could have tracked Alex, but there's always a risk. 

I CHANGED PLANES IN CHICAGO AND AND EVEN IF HE TRACKS MY FLIGHT MANIFEST, THE FARTHEST HE’LL TRACE ME TO IS PHOENIX, Alex explains kindly, even though he must be frustrated by how many times Michael is making him explain it to him. 

I JUST DON’T WANT TO PUT YOU IN DANGER, he signs. 

Alex walks over to him and grabs his hips, slowly walking him backwards until he’s pinned against the wall. THE ONLY THING I’M IN DANGER OF RIGHT NOW IS DYING OF HUNGER.

I’M SERIOUS, Michael signs. 

SO AM I, he says. YOU KNOW THAT I WOULDN’T RISK SEEING YOU IF I DIDN’T THINK WE COULD DO IT SAFELY. OKAY? 

Michael takes a moment to let the news truly settle in his stomach before he nods. OKAY. 

Alex takes his hand and they walk out the door and continue hand in hand down the street towards the restaurant. It’s nice. They never got to have this in Roswell. And once they were free of the confining heterosexual expectations of their small town, Alex was gone. So they’ve never been able to have normal dating experience. Michael has never had normal dating experiences with anyone. 

He finds he likes this though. He enjoys walking hand in hand down the street. And if he can push the fears he has about Jesse and Project Shepard down, he can almost enjoy the knowing looks they get from the people they pass on the street. He’s always wanted to be able to show Alex off and let everyone know how proud he is of his boyfriend. 

They reach the diner and Alex holds the door open for him. Alex’s hand finds the small of his back as they are led to a booth towards the back. Michael has to smile when Alex chooses to sit on the same side of the booth as him. 

I LIKE YOU LIKE THIS, Michael signs as Alex snuggles into his side. Alex has always been affectionate, but Michael never imagined he would be so in public. 

IN KOREA, DID YOU KNOW THAT IT’S NORMAL FOR FRIENDS TO SHOW THEIR AFFECTION FOR EACH OTHER. EVEN BOYS WILL HOLD HANDS. IT’S NICE, Alex signs as a waitress comes over and pours them each a cup of coffee. 

SO WERE YOU HOLDING MY HAND AS A FRIEND THEN? he teases, even though he agrees with Alex. That sounds nice. He really does hate heteronormative culture. 

OH NO, I WAS HOLDING YOUR HAND AS MY SOULMATE, Alex signs and just seeing him sign that, even after all these years, sends a jolt of energy through him and then out of him. He can tell by the smile that grows on Alex’s face that it finds its home in Alex’s heart. 

The waitress comes over and they order their food. Michael points out what he wants on the menu and he smiles at the way Alex refuses to respond to the waitress, even when she asks him questions about Michael’s order. Of everyone in his life, Alex understands how much he hates when people try and speak for him without his permission. Isobel and Max mean well, but anytime they go out with him, they always end up ordering for him. He’s complained about it before, but they don’t understand why it is a big deal. They want to make his life easier, but they don’t understand that all it does is perpetuate this idea in society that Deaf people can’t function without help. 

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FIRST THING I WANT TO DO ONCE THIS IS ALL OVER? Alex asks. 

ONCE WHAT IS ALL OVER? PROJECT SHEPARD? he asks. 

Alex nods. THAT. AND ONCE I’M OUT OF THE FORCE. 

Alex being out of the force is something he dreams about often. It’s the place where his mind wanders during every boring lecture, during any quiet moment, during every long shift at work. He has come up with about a hundred different things he’d love to do with Alex once he’s free and he no longer has to live in fear that every day will be their last… But he’s curious to hear what Alex’s plans are. 

WHAT? he asks. 

I WANT TO GET MARRIED, he signs. 

Michael probably shouldn’t be shocked by the words. It’s not like he never thought about marriage before, he has. But he’s a bit shocked that Alex is saying it here of all places. In some run down diner in a town neither of them have any ties to. 

ARE YOU PROPOSING? Michael asks. 

Alex shakes his head. NO. WHEN I PROPOSE, I’LL WANT TO DO IT BIG. BE TRADITIONAL AND OBNOXIOUS ABOUT IT IN A WAY WE’RE NEVER ALLOWED TO BE. BUT… I DO WANT TO MARRY YOU. 

ME TOO, he agrees with a smile, leaning in for a sweet kiss. THOUGH, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE WE’RE ALREADY MARRIED. 

YEAH. AFTER YOUR SOUL HAS BEEN PERMANENTLY BOUND TO SOMEBODY SINCE YOU WERE SEVEN, I GUESS MARRIAGE DOESN’T REALLY SEEM LIKE AS BIG A DEAL, Alex signs. BUT I STILL DO WANT TO MARRY YOU MICHAEL GUERIN. I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME. 

I WANT THAT TOO. 

[atamascolily]

let’s talk about the Bene Gesserit

When Paul meets Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohamian of the Bene Gesserit, he identifies the order’s purpose right away: “Politics.” The Reverend Mother is surprised, and gives Jessica the side-eye to see if Jessica has spilled secrets, but Jessica denies it. I don’t know whether to believe Jessica or not here because Jessica has told Paul all kinds of things, but I’m going to assume Jessica is telling the truth here, and this is supposed to be yet another sign Paul is super-smart, super-observant, the Chosen One, etc, etc.

But I want to know: what does the rest of the galaxy think the Bene Gesserit do?

Pretty much every female character in Dune who’s not Fremen is Bene Gesserit, or at least has some degree of training from them. All of them are linked to powerful men: Jessica is a ducal concubine and mother of his heir; Margot is wife to Count Fenring (and presumably only allowed to marry him and be a Lady in her own right because the Count is a “eunuch” and can’t bear children); Irulan is a princess and the Emperor’s daughter. Even the Reverend Mother, once the superintendent of the Bene Gesserit school on Wallach IX, is now the Emperor’s Truthsayer. And the narrative goes out of its way to mention that Thufir Hawat specifically purchased Jessica for Duke Leto, and cleared her for the Atreides household.

So, are the Bene Gesserit seen as a religious order? A finishing school for ladies of the ruling class? Are they the futuristic equivalent of medieval nunneries, except with less embroidery and more manners? All of the above?

In reality, the Bene Gesserit are all-female order on a self-directed mission to provide “a thread of continuity in human affairs”. They do this by a secret breeding program, separating humans from “animals” by means of various tests (one of which Paul undergoes in the novel’s opening scene). The Bene Gesserit schools are filled with the (presumably female) offspring of this breeding program, as well as any other genetic lines they’re interested in manipulating. Many, like Jessica, are kept ignorant of their heritage by the higher-ups so they can secretly breed back into the line (ironically, a standard technique in animal breeding!). Apparently, the BG have found out the hard way that outright incest is a hard sell, so they keep the participants in the dark, which is... horrifying. The BG’s stated goal is to create a Kwisatz Haderach, a man who can look into the void that no BG [female] Truthsayer can see, “into both feminine and masculine pasts”.

Leaving aside the irony of an all-female organization seeking to create a man more powerful than they are, I don’t understand why the Kwisatz Haderach has to be male; it seems like a female Kwisatz Haderach who can see into both her male and female ancestral lines ought to be equally possible. Even if you argue that those male ancestral memories are inextricably linked to a Y chromosome or some other vaguely scientific rationale, it’s a) never explained anywhere in the book that I can recall, and b) Paul’s sister Alia will have this ability--and in fact will be haunted by at least one male ancestor to her extreme detriment. Maybe the BG are trying to create a male Kwisatz Haderach because they think men are easier to manipulate and control? Or do they not know what they’re talking about?

The Emperor knows the BG are useful; that’s why he has a Truthsayer and presumably was okay with them training his daughter, but he doesn’t seem to know the BG are manipulating his wife and concubines to make sure he has only daughters, so they can marry said daughters to a match of their choice. The BG orders Jessica to do the same thing, and she defies them because Duke Leto really, really wants a son. Does that mean the BG are always supposed to bear female children to keep the order going, or did Jessica and Irulan’s mother receive special orders on account of their positions? I don’t think this is ever made clear, and it bugs me.

I also don’t understand why the BG don’t... do something (anything!) when Jessica defies them and has Paul instead. Granted, Paul is the duke’s heir, he’s protected from assassins in general, but it seems like the BG might have had some way of influencing/punishing Jessica for her disobedience and they... don’t. At all. And I don’t get it. If Jessica’s act is so courageous--as Irulan later assess that it is in her history--what are the consequences?

The Reverend Mother sarcastically says Jessica defied the orders and had a son because she was arrogant enough to think she could produce the Kwisatz Haderach at last. Jessica says she suspected the possibility, but what made her think that? She doesn’t even know who her parents are! She hasn’t passed the final tests to be a Reverend Mother (and her defiance presumably knocked her off that track because the BG can’t trust her with that level of power), so why would she think HER SON would be the Chosen One? I don’t get it. Is Jessica being sarcastic here, too?

The Reverend Mother says Jessica did it because she loved Leto and didn’t want to disappoint him, which Jessica admits to. The Reverend Mother’s mostly angry because her plan was to wed an Atreides daughter to the Harkonnen heir and maybe put a stop to all the infighting between the two families (or compound it further? or for other reasons that only make sense when you learn who Jessica’s father really is?) Now with Paul as the heir, that’s not possible--because marriage is all about biological progeny, property, and heteronormativity in this book--and the Reverend Mother is annoyed mainly because the BG might lose both bloodlines in all the forthcoming violence.

I guess this begs the question of to what extent a BG agent is their own operative, and to what extent they are controlled/under the influence of the order as a whole? The Reverend Mother seems sympathetic to Jessica, saying, “Each of us must make her own path,” which implies some degree of independent agency. She also sees that Jessica has been teaching Paul the BG Way, and “I’d have done the same thing in your shoes and devil take the Rules”. And she encourages Jessica to train him in the Voice, because she thinks that’s the only way Paul’s going to survive the Harkonnen treachery to come (which she knows about because she’s presumably privy to much of the Emperor’s behind-the-scenes scheming with the Harkonnens).

And then the Reverend Mother walks out “with not another backward glance” and we don’t see her again until the final scene. “The room and its occupants already were shut from her thoughts.” And Jessica is freaked out by the fact the  Reverend Mother is crying as she walks away.

Why is she crying? Does she genuinely love Jessica as her “own daughter” as she claims, and she regrets that Jessica is either going to die or be a fugitive with a price on her head once the Harkonnen trap is sprung? Is she upset about what could have been, and wasn’t? Is she regretful of all the genetic material and possibilities, thousands of years of careful work and preparation obliterated by forces she has no intention of stopping? All of the above??

I don’t know why the Reverend Mother shows up to test Paul’s humanity at the beginning. Is it because she’s curious? Or does she have no choice given Paul’s lineage, and her suspicions/Jessica’s assertions that Paul really might be the Kwisatz Haderach? Did Jessica ask for it, because she knows Paul needs this test in order to move to the next level in his training and she’s not emotionally equipped to administer it? All of the above?

And the Reverend Mother looks straight at Paul, saying outright that she sees the possibility/potential for him to become the Kwisatz Haderach and walks away... why??

Conclusion: The Watsonian explanation is that the BG talk a mean game, but they’re not as smart as they think they are. The Doylist explanation is that Frank Herbert wanted to set up his plot just so and didn’t care if the BG looked stupid in the process.

But this got even weirder when I realized there was an appendix in my edition (which I had never read before) claiming to be an in-universe “Report on Bene Gesserit Motives and Purposes” written for Lady Jessica “immediately after the Arrakis Affair,” which comes to the exact same conclusions.

The report does clarify that the BG expected the child of Jessica and Leto’s daughter and Feyd-Ruatha Harkonnen to have a high probability of being the Kwisatz Haderach. So Jessica’s decision to skip ahead on the program a generation wasn’t such a long-shot after all.

Except: “For reasons she confesses have never been completely clear to her, the concubine Lady Jessica defied her orders and bore a son”. So Jessica herself doesn’t even know why she did it...!! But she must have known some of this, because why else would she train/test Paul the way she did, or admit to the Reverend Mother she thought it was possible in the first place?

The writer goes on to note that BG knew teenage Paul had prescient dreams, the Reverend Mother failed to mention that his humanity test had broken records in her report (not mentioned in the book itself!!);  that the BG knew that spice could amplify psychic powers... and did nothing to stop Jessica and Paul from going there and eating a fuckton of spice; and didn’t make the connection that the rumors of a guerilla prophet leader born of a Bene Gesserit mother and destined to be the savior might have some connection to the two people who had disappeared shortly beforehand (!!!); plus some stuff about their dealings with the Spacers’ Guild and the complications of a higher-order nexus they couldn’t see past, which ought to have alerted them that someone more powerful than they were was messing around with the future.

“In the face of these facts, one is led to the inescapable conclusion that the inefficient Bene Gesserit behavior in this affair was a product of an even higher plan of which they were completely unaware!”

And on that note, the report ends and I just... cannot believe that Herbert deliberately lampshades the BG’s incompetence--and then concludes that “God [aka the author] did it”. Because unless I missed something important and Paul meddles with the past somehow, I don’t know how else to interpret this...

I suppose this report might be written by an unreliable narrator--like every other in-universe document in this book--but then what is even the point if we never get any answers..?

[therodrigator6]

Hey there, I'm the recent anon who talked about whether C is unredeemable, and I just want to thank you for your detailed response! This isn't a rebuttal but just to add on to what you said - if they indeed made this show for the average C, then isn't it a little sad that they seemed to have forgotten about the average A and wound up glossing over C's abuse? I mean, if we replace C with a man, wouldn't C//A skirt too close to the "love the violent man away" trope..? Sorry if I don't make sense!

Oh my god, I’m so SO sorry for such a delayed response. I’ve been obsenely busy these past few days.

I think I do get what you’re trying to say, yes.

OOF, it’s a bit of a tough thing for me to say or give some kind of... determinant answer on the matter.

Here’s what I think, though. She-Ra was a generally ambitious show in what it tried to represent and regard, onscreen and within it’s overall storyline.

And on many ways, the way in which all of these things are tackled, is lacking or is bare minimum. Themes of War, Abuse, The Cycle of Abuse, Morality, ROMANCE, Toxicity, Trauma, Friendship, etc.  A lot of it is face value, it’s THERE, its mentioned, but its not explored or challenged.

She-Ra is a difficult show, or atleast it is for me, to critique or judge in a negative way because, the importance of what it managed to do, of what it managed to put onscreen is FAR transcendant of whatever it tried to tell, and I believe the writers knew of this, and was at the forefront of their minds and goals.

I believe She-Ra as a show, with shortcommings or not in it’s writing, would do it’s best to PUT THAT KISS, ONSCREEN, no matter what was necessary to sacrifice, narratively. It was also very easy, and very personal to make a character like Catra HAVE a happy, uplifting ending.

To ME, or you, well yeah, it’s extremely disheartening to see a story that dealt with all of these things, specially abuse and toxicity take such a one-sided, black and white stance on it. It’s VERY comfortable for Catra.

Some people have been asked WHY it is that one could possibly not... sympathize or empathize fully with Catra, for example. My answer has always been that writing wise, the show focused TOO MUCH on the pain Catra was feeling for herself? And how she’d inflict it back on others. But it seldom gave itself the chance to make Catra think about the pain other people feel for HER actions, not JUST what the REaction to her actions would mean, FOR HERSELF, which is what the show did, In my opinion. Specially since, from the get go, it’s established that Catra KNOWS what she does HURTS, she wants it to HURT. She does not ENTIRELY have an askewed view of the world, she has a cynical one, one that excuses her vitriol and is self-serving. And she never changes that.

THAT, Very personally, makes it hard for me to see this character as a realized,  growing and conflict ridden individual, SPECIALLY, when the narrative TELLS you she WAS conflicted by around season 5, when we NEED her to just “always have been inherently good” to make the romance work, but never actually shows it, you just have to think she goes through all this, in a subtext that is never hinted at.

The way in which the show moved some things around and worked this narrative around Catra’s actions to make the romantic relationship work, well it takes dangerous shortcuts, because it never gives itself the time to adress all of these things BEFORE this relationship can go ahead.

IN THE END, it does skirt TOO CLOSE to those tropes of old: “Unconditional, passionate and promised Love WILL be enough to MAKE us tolerate the pain, and the sorrow, and accept and FIX the shortcomings, and PULL OUT this goodness that’s always been inside of us”.

This type of trope... or way of thinking? HAS been challenged before, and continues to be so, on relationships in media in which heteronormative couples depict it. We know it DISREGARDS many things about an individual’s growth, their safety and their agency.

And SOME Shippers or stans WILL tell you, “Yes, if Catra were a man, I wouldn’t ship it, and I wouldn’t be ok with it”. Some other’s don’t, other people trully see Catra’s growth within the show as a good depiction.

Ultimately, and to string all these thought together.

As a piece of Media, yes, the achievement of putting a lesbian couple at the forefront, who kiss, and who’s love saves the universe, is transcendat in itself. It sets a precedent of marketability and opens the door for more lgbtq+ voices to be heard.

HOWEVER, there are SHORTCOMINGS in the show, SOME OF WHICH are a sign of many problems WITHIN the industry, and the writing team.

It has writing issues, it has narrative issues.

It also has problems with dealing with ableism, it has problems dealing with a lack of conscience or disregard of racism. Many of its efforts in representation are honorable and considerate, but are ultimately mute and face value, when the voices behind it, are all white and open WAY TOO MANY chances of claimship for different groups, without thinking about it

There’s a problematic in judging She-Ra as media through a scope that is TOO PERSONAL and comforting to a person. Whether or not you see she-ra as perfect, or maybe see and understand its issues. Glorifying it and gatekeeping its critique serves no benefit for the betterment of media in itself, because you close the door on finding mistakes, and BETTERING them, or CHALLENGING different ideas, and actually SUBVERTING a status quo.

We CAN and we SHOULD discuss the things we think this show got wrong, or got right, for SOME people, but then hurt others. No one is inherently in the wrong or in the write about stuff like that. We all want better stories, better rep, better comfort, or challenging narratives.

My stance on Catra does not rest SOLELY on if I think she’s “Irredemable”, personally. I think its incredibly DULL and boring to be so black and white.

My personal issue with the show is that, it allow Catra to BE on a black and white scale, “Evil”, and then TRIED to nuance her actions, by making her QUESTION this, by thinking “Is this really what I want?” And her answer at first SEEMED to be “NO, I just want to not hate myself, to be STRONG by myself, to not be afraid, or dependant! To show this horrid world which is wrong on BOTH sides that I WILL stand, in the end, trauma or no trauma”. Catra wasn’t inherently EVIL, she was a product of her circumstance, she hurt other people and herself and she could’ve subverted this “EVIL VS GOOD” Ideal that both Adora, the Princess Alliance, Hordak and the Horde, had which btw, was a part of her self hatred.

BUT THEY DIDN’T, Instead Catra ended up saying:

“No, I want Adora’s love and acceptance back that she promised me and for her to TAKE my love!, I wanna NOT BE EVIL!”, to which the narrative said, NO you were NEVER evil! your inherent goodness had always been incapacitated by trauma and indocrination! And not only that, Adora NEEDS you! And you need her, so go! Love and kiss.

Again, this is Comfortable, potentially damaging? I say yes. Catra’s character is boiled down to needing Adora sdjkrthbdrkth

But again, this is a narrative shortcoming that makes ME unable to enjoy the story as is. Again I’ll say, She-Ra has already served its usefulness, it’s a stepping stone, it CAN do good for many people by setting a precedent for the future? It won’t manage it, if we as audiences CAN’T think critically of it.

[iamleavingthisfandom]

a small fic for Valentine's Day. Rated T/PG-13, just 40yo reddie tenderness

Technically, they agreed to a no-gifts rule. Well, not a rule, more of a guideline, really. They agreed that Valentine’s Day was a dumb holiday, what with its consumerism, commercialization of showing affection, heteronormative standards, the idea that they needed to show their love for each other on specific calendar days when they did that all the time anyway – and all that jazz.

That didn’t stop Richie from getting stuck in front of a patisserie window playing chicken with a box of strawberry macarons he knew Eddie would love. After standing in the street for a while, he started getting weird looks from the passersby, so he decided, screw it, and walked into the front door. Immediately, he was hit with a powerful smell of pastry and sugary sweets that made his head spin. Next thing he knew, he was home with a large bag from the patisserie. He got, perhaps, a bit too much. Maybe buying two Danishes (one strawberry and one apricot), half a dozen cupcakes (hummingbird, strawberry, and lemon raspberry meringue, the last of which he chose purely on a whim because of how many words there were in the name and because he couldn’t connect them all together in his mind) in addition to the box of macarons that initially captured his attention was enough. Maybe it was more than enough. But he couldn’t help himself and bought a couple of éclairs, a box of assorted pastries, and some chocolate-covered strawberries as well. So when he came home, he decided to display everything he got. Eddie was well-known for his sweet tooth, and if he had any initial half-hearted objections to the sweets, seeing the variety was bound to make him leave his concerns about a ‘healthy diet’ at the door and let himself indulge for one night. By the time he heard the door to their apartment open, Richie had managed to set the table in the nicest way he could, a rose amidst the sweets and all. Eddie walked through the door, calling out to him, and started telling him something before he came into the kitchen and froze in his tracks. “Rich,” he said slowly, eyeing the pastries laid out on the table. There was no mistaking the excited glint in his eyes, though. “What the fuck are we supposed to do with all this?” “Eat?” Richie suggested, raising his eyebrow. Eddie groaned and dropped the bag he had been holding onto the counter. Somehow Richie hadn’t noticed it before, but upon further inspection, the bag was sporting the logo of one of his favorite restaurants. “I got takeout from that place downtown you like so much,” despite his annoyed tone, he was grinning, and Richie walked over to him and leaned down for a sweet kiss. He pulled Eddie close and felt arms wrap around his shoulders. “You did that for me?” Richie smiled when they broke the kiss. Eddie’s expression was softer now, and he was smiling, too. “Yeah, well, you did that,” he gestured towards the table, “for me. But that’s beside the point. What the fuck are we supposed to do with all this food?” “We’re supposed to watch anything your heart desires while gorging ourselves until we can’t move, obviously.” God, Richie’s expression must have been stupidly happy, but he didn’t care one bit, not with how gently Eddie was looking at him. “Obviously.” Eddie’s soft tone combined with that small happy smile of his left Richie breathless even on his best days. And now, as he was standing in the middle of the apartment he shared with the love of his life, both of them smiling at each other because neither could resist getting a lovely surprise for the other, despite agreeing not to? He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had somehow won the lottery of life, without ever deserving it. And he wanted to show it, too. Always did. So he stroked Eddie’s cheek with his thumb, smiling at him softly. “You make me feel like I’m the luckiest bastard alive, Eds.” Eddie raised his eyebrow in response, his smile morphing into an ever-so-slightly self-satisfied smirk. “Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one here.” Eddie's hand slipped to the back of Richie’s neck and he was tugged down into another kiss. He would definitely argue that he was objectively luckier, but his lips were otherwise occupied for the time being, and maybe that was just fine. Once they broke the kiss, all Richie could do was stare down at Eddie in wonder. “How are you even real?” Eddie just laughed lightly and patted Richie’s cheek. “Come on, the food will get cold,” with that, he left a peck on his lips and walked off to unpack the bag with the best Kung Pao Chicken in LA (in Richie’s personal opinion), leaving Richie standing there with the dumbest grin on his face. They spent the rest of the evening on the couch, Eddie’s legs swung over Richie’s lap, getting crumbs all over living room furniture while ‘Doctor Who’ played on the TV. And if they spent more time talking to each other and trying to get cupcake frosting on the other’s face than watching the show, that was just them. At the end of the night, Eddie didn’t even complain about how much leftovers they had (testament to the wonders sugary sweets could do to one’s character). “I’m so full,” Eddie groaned as he stretched where he was sat on the couch. Richie took the opportunity to run his fingers over his toned calf lightly, admiring Eddie’s gorgeous legs. He was met with a smile when he looked up and couldn’t hide his own. “Me too.” “Wanna make out?” Eddie raised his eyebrow, chuckling as Richie nodded a bit too fast and too eagerly. He stretched his arms out and Richie scrambled to knock him over with a fit of laughter from both of them and press their lips together through the small laughs. Eddie made a sound to get Richie’s attention again and tapped his shoulder, making him pull away. “If you lie down on top of me, I'll be sick, scooch off.” “The things I do for love,” Richie sighed melodramatically, making Eddie snicker, but still rolled off of him and let Eddie settle on his side and kiss him. It was slow and sweet, with none of the excitement and perfect romance he always imagined on Valentine’s Day when he was growing up. This was way better. They kissed and kissed, as if trying to make up for the years they lost, and it took them at least half an hour to separate. But when they did, Eddie cozied up into Richie’s side, Richie’s arm around him. “When did we become old and boring?” he sighed, his head on Richie’s chest and his fingers stroking patterns into Richie’s expanded stomach. “Around the time we decided that killing a demonic clown was more than our fair share of excitement.” Richie pressed a kiss to the crown of Eddie’s head. “But hey, if you’re concerned about that, I’ll totally rock your world in bed. Just give me a couple hours.” Eddie laughed and turned his head to meet Richie’s eyes. “Nah, I like being old and boring with you,” he patted Richie’s stomach gently. Richie could see love in his eyes and was probably looking back at him with a lovesick look of his own. “Yeah, me too,” he smiled and gave him another kiss before they both passed out on the couch. Maybe Valentine’s Day was overrated, but as long as they spent it together, it didn’t really matter.