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train-wrecc · 2 years ago

Text

Here For You

Marcus Baker x female!reader

word count: 4.5k

warnings!: mentions of depression, anxiety, a panic attack, i think that’s all…

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

Y/n knew Marcus could struggle with his depression and anxiety at times, so she tried her best to be there for him, whenever he needed her, she was right there.

She was always trying to remind him all the time of the love she had for him. To support him in his darkest times.

From the simple things, like cuddling him until he finally felt something, to cooking him something and making sure he ate every last bite no matter how long it took him. She was there when the world just felt like too much for him.

Marcus stared off into space, seemingly out of it. Y/n had been talking to the boy, he could see her lips forming the words, but couldn’t hear what they produced. All of a sudden it’s like every person walking past the pair had their eyes glued to him, staring at him. The murmuring of students talking amongst themselves somehow seemed to get louder. The squeaking of their beat-up sneakers meeting the shiny linoleum floor sounded at max volume. It’s as if all at once he was hearing everything and nothing at all. His heart seemed to ache, and clench, his throat feeling as if it was closing up, losing his ability to breathe in oxygen. His eyes clamped shut, hands flying to his ears trying to stop the loud chaotic noises which flowed through them. He took in deep gasps of air trying to regulate his breathing. “One, two, three, four, five.” He murmured, his face stuffed into his legs which he’d pulled toward his chest.

“What’d you say?” Y/n turned to the boy, she had been ranting about family problems, as she looked into the distance.

Her eyes were met with the boy huddled, panic radiating off of him in waves. How could she have not noticed he had been having a panic attack? “Oh god, Marcus, hey, hey, hey, it’s okay, look at me bub, okay?” She told him, her hands lifting his head to face her. Tears welled up in the boy's eyes, as he silently wished he could just disappear, as he continued to take deep shaky breaths in, the more he tried to regulate his breathing the more erratic his heartbeat got.

Y/n brought her hands to Marcus' face, gently caressing his jaw in soothing circular motions. “Focus on me honey, everything’s gonna be okay.” She said calmly, nodding her head to him. She gently grasped his hand, placing his hand against her wrist, “Squeeze my wrist, feel my heartbeat..” Her other hand moved to clasp the back of his neck.

Marcus's breathing had somewhat slowed, however, it was still beating quite fast, “Bub, I want you to tell me five things you can see, okay?”

The boy nodded quickly, “The- the lockers…, my-my shoes, that b-blue recycling bin, an old book …- on the floor, a p-poster.” He took a deep breath, stuttering out his answers, continually trying to calm himself.

“Good, okay, you’re doing great baby, now tell me four things you can feel,” She said his hand now being held in one of hers.

“I c-can feel the cold AC, the hard brick wall b-behind me, y-your… h-hand in mine, the material of m-my hoo-... hoodie.” He let out.

“I’m so proud of you, you’re amazing bub,” She responded placing a kiss on his hand, “Now give me 3 things you can hear, okay,”

He inhaled a deep breath, before exhaling, “A locker being s-shut, laughing, and… m-music.”

“Good, you’re doing even better baby, now 2 things you can smell, okay,”

“Y-your perfume, and oranges…” He says, letting out a deep sigh.

“Now, 1 thing you can taste,”

“I can’t taste shit right now, Y/n/n” he lets out a laugh, burying his head into the crook of her neck.

“Alright, alright,” She giggled, running her hands through his brown strands of hair.

Marcus let out another deep sigh, continuing to nuzzle his face deep into his girlfriend’s neck, taking in the scent of her comforting perfume, his breathing much less erratic.

“Better?”

“Yeah..” He whispers, voice shaky still.

The bell rang as the couple sat in the hall still, wrapped in their own little bubble, Y/n trying to protect Marcus from the world.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

However, it had come to the point where Y/n’s sole focus was Marcus and nothing else. Not herself, not her school work. She was so deeply in love with the boy, she’d truly do anything for him.

These past few weeks had been especially hard on both, Y/n and Marcus. It was the 1 year anniversary of Marcus's best friend's death.

Marcus laid in bed most days, not having been to school for more than a week. Something as simple as brushing his teeth seemed to be too difficult of a task to do.

He felt completely and utterly alone no matter how much Y/n tried to hug him so tightly he’d feel her immense love for him.

Y/n hadn’t been feeling the best either, to be honest. Trying to be positive for Marcus all the time was draining her. Seeing him so depressed and lacking motivation seemed to be taking quite a toll on her, leaving her feeling useless, not being able to help her boyfriend, no matter how desperately she wanted to.

Most days she spent twisting and turning all night, exhausted but unable to sleep. Her mornings consisted of drinking coffee to give her some form of energy throughout the day and covering her under-eye bags with hefty amounts of concealer.

Y/n sat at the lunch table, barely able to keep her eyes open. Continuously shutting them, then having to practically pry them open, “You alright, Y/n/n?” Abby questioned the girl which looked anything but alright.

“M’fine,” She responded, plastering a false smile on her lips that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Abby nodded in response, obviously not believing the girl.

“How’s Marcus been doing?” The redhead decided to ask.

“Not so good, I just wish there was something I could do to help him. It’s the worst he’s been in a while, and I try and try, but nothing seems to help,” She shakes her head in disappointment at herself.

“Maybe he just needs some space to heal on his own…?”

“I don’t want him to think I don’t care about him anymore or, or worse, that I’ve stopped loving him because of some mental illness.”

Abby nodded, saying nothing more, and just being there for her friend.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

By the end of the school day, Y/n wasn’t feeling too well but decided she’d stop by Bluefarm and get Marcus his favorite dish from the restaurant in another feeble attempt at trying to somewhat cheer the boy up, or at least motivate him to sit up and eat, he was skinny already, and had been getting thinner as the days went on.

Y/n opened the front door to the Baker household and walked in. She and Marcus had been dating for a little over a year, and most days she was at his house, which was basically a second home to her.

Ellen had even given her a key. Y/n entered the house and is met with Max sprawled out on the couch in the living room, scrolling on her phone.

“Hey, Max, any changes?”

“Nope, nada, zilch.”

“I even offered to show him my old cringy TikTok’s. He didn’t even respond!” She shrugged.

She silently nodded, turning and rolling her eyes at the girl, like cringy TikTok’s were gonna magically cure her twin brother's crippling depression. At times Y/n felt bad for Marcus, him having to take the backseat all the time due to his sister always having to be the center of attention.

The girl made her way upstairs to check on Marcus. Walking in she was met with his mess of a room, and him lying in bed which had become his permanent spot as of recently.

“Hey bub, I brought you your favorite!” Y/n cheerily told the boy, slightly wiggling the bag at him.

The boy’s worn-out brown eyes burned into the wall behind her. The only response she received was him turning to face the opposite side of his bed, away from Y/n. She let out a quiet sigh, setting the food down on Marcus's side table. Her eyes glanced over the mess of the room, figuring she might as well try and clean up his room a little while she was there.

Y/n began grabbing the clothes that were haphazardly thrown around the room, and placing them in the hamper. After she began grabbing all the trash in the room, which ranged from old soda cans to bags of chips which she didn’t even want to know how long they’d been there for. The trash made a noise as they fell into the trashcan causing Marcus to turn and look at what his girlfriend was doing.

“What are you doing?” He questioned in a monotone voice, almost sounding like a statement rather than a question.

Y/n looked up, a smile growing on her face at the boy speaking. “Trying to tidy up your room for you, Y’know maybe it'll make you feel a little better, being in a clean space-”

“Can you just not, Y/n… I don’t need you to clean my room for me, okay?” The girl silently nodded at the boy who seemed to be a little upset at her for trying to help him.

“Did you hear when I said I got you Bluefarm?”

“Yes, I heard you the first time Y/n, I’m not deaf like my dad.” The boy said with a bite to his tone, even mustering the ability to roll his eyes at her. Marcus wasn’t exactly sure as to why he was acting like such a dick. Maybe it had to do with Y/n always being there, he didn’t have any space for himself. No time to deal with his depression by himself, and people always crowding him, pushing themselves onto him. He just needed time. It especially irritated him when Y/n did things like this, doing everything for him. He felt like a fucking useless baby.

“Okay,” Y/n murmured quietly, pursing her lips.

“Well, uh, do you want me to get anything for you, water? Or-”

“No, can you just stop Y/n, I- I don’t want your help okay? I’m not a fucking useless child, stop treating me like one. God, if I wanted you here, I would’ve texted you, okay? If -if I had wanted to talk to someone I would’ve called my fucking therapist, so can you just leave, okay, I don’t want you here. I just wanna be by myself for a little, but clearly, that’s too fucking much to ask of you.” He angrily spat at the girl.

Y/n’s eyes widened more and more at each sentence that left the boy's mouth. She nodded, not knowing what to say. She turned before he could see the tears forming in her eyes, quickly running down the stairs and out of the house, without uttering a word to anyone.

She slammed the door to her car, and it was as if it was a dam breaking. The salty tears streamed down her face, warming her cheeks. All she had wanted was to be there for him, help him. But he clearly didn’t want her help. She had gotten that now.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

Y/n woke up the next morning her eyes swollen, and aching. She laid in bed, not going to school that day. She didn’t feel like dealing with anyone today. The night before she had come home a mess, still crying silently. Her parents immediately knew something had happened with Marcus, Y/n rarely cried like this, they had given her space and told her she could stay home for the next few days if she wanted.

She let out a sigh, Marcus's words from last night still on repeat in her brain. She got up, slapping some water on her face, before going downstairs to her kitchen, wrapped up in the warmth of her comforter. She grabbed a pint of her favorite ice cream before settling on the couch in the living room, creating a nest for herself. She turned the TV on to watch Scooby-Doo in an attempt to take her mind off things.

She had gotten a couple of texts from Abby, all asking why she wasn’t at school or where she was, however, she couldn’t be bothered to respond, shutting her phone off.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

Y/n hadn’t been to school or visited Marcus in a few days, leaving Marcus to feel guilty for saying the cruel things he had. He did need space, but he shouldn’t have told her it the way he did. The space had left him missing Y/n, but it also made him realize how dependent he was on her, and her on him. After the weeks he’d spent bathing in this deep depression he finally felt a little better. His mind felt somewhat clear now, not as lost and muddled as before. He got up and took a shower, the first shower in a few days which he was sort of ashamed of. The shower was good for him, helping him feel better. He changed his bedsheets, before returning to his bed. He had gotten up, and showered, he figured that was more than enough progress in a day than he had made in a while.

His phone dinged with a message from Abby, which read, “Hey, has Y/n been to visit you? She hasn’t been to school in a couple of days now. She’s not responding to my texts… whenever I go over her parents always tell me she’s sleeping. I’m worried about her.”

Marcus wasn’t sure how to respond to the message, clearly, this had something to do with him going off on Y/n. “No, I kind of went off on her a few days ago. I didn’t mean to, I was just frustrated and took it out on her.” He typed.

Another text came in, “After everything she’s done for you, Marcus? Really? God, guys are so dumb. Did you apologize?”

“No… I know I need to but I just needed some space…” He sent.

“Well, now you’ve got it, huh.”

Abby was right, he was dumb.

Marcus sighed, he knew he had to go apologize to Y/n however he just couldn’t bring himself to get out of his bed again. He had decided he’d go the next day and make things right.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

Marcus had done it. He was out of his bed and stood on the steps of Y/n’s house. It was around the middle of the day, and he could see her parent’s cars were nowhere in sight, meaning Y/n was the only one home.

He rang the doorbell, expecting to hear footsteps, something, however, he was met with silence. He stood there for a few seconds, reaching up to ring the doorbell once again. And once again, silence. So, he rang the doorbell, again, again, again, and again. He knew Y/n was stubborn but so was he, and he wouldn’t leave until she at least answered the door.

He heard feet stomping toward the door, finally, he thought. “What the fuck is wrong with you!” The girl practically ripped the door from its hinges, her voice dripping in anger and annoyance. When her eyes met his her eyes widened as did his. His beautiful girlfriend stood wrapped in a blanket, her hair a mess atop her head and eyes bloodshot red, lips chapped. The girl attempted to slam the door on him, but he stopped it with his foot in between the door and the frame.

“Bub, please.” He pleaded.

“You wanted space Marcus, I’m giving you space.” She responded, her voice slightly raspy. She pushed his foot out, closing the door, and trotted off angrily. Y/n knew technically she had no right to be angry at Marcus, but it was either that or feeling bad for herself, and she had enough of the latter. He wanted space, so he was gonna get it and maybe it’d be good for her as well.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

Y/n had returned to school the day after, she hated getting behind on work. Marcus wasn’t anywhere to be seen. However, Y/n was surprised to see him at school the following day, immediately darting off in the opposite way of his direction. She ignored him like the plague.

Marcus had had enough space it had been almost a week of Y/n ignoring Marcus. He had tried everything to try and catch her at school to talk, but she always somehow managed to slip away from him. He figured she had needed space as well so he respected that, but he was tired of this.

Marcus once again stood outside of Y/n’s house, this time he had a different approach, an approach he was quite used to using. The window, it never failed him. He had successfully climbed the tree by her window, attempting to pull the window. Which listened, being pulled up. Success, he thought. He stumbled into the girl's room, once a common occurrence.

The girl looked up hearing the crash of something, pulling one of her headphones out, as she glanced up quickly before returning to her homework. Wait a minute- she looked up again, Marcus.

A sigh escaped her lips, returning her headphone to her ear. Just ignore him, give him space, she thought to herself.

“Y/n please, are you seriously going to ignore me, when I’m standing right in front of you, talking to you.”

Silence.

He walked to her bed, and sat in front of her, as she continued to work on her homework. Reaching up to her ear, he pulled one of her earbuds out.

“Marcus, stop it.”

“Come on y/n/n, can we just talk, please.” He said, gesticulating as he spoke.

She snatched her earbud from him as he spoke, placing it back in her ear.

“Are you serious right now?” He questioned.

Her eyes remained glued to her homework. This time he grabbed both of the earbuds, shoving them into his pocket.

“Marcus, seriously, you’re beginning to piss me off.” She muttered through clenched teeth.

“Good at least I can get something out of you other than silence.” He replied.

“Get out. I want you to leave.” Marcus sat there for a second, “Now, Marcus.” Her tone became slightly higher in pitch as she got angrier by the second.

“Y/n-”

“I’m trying to give you the space you so desperately want Marcus.” She said, getting up and marching toward her bedroom door.

“I’m-”

“Marcus, leave before I shove you out the fucking window, or worse get my dad.” The words flew from her mouth harshly.

He swallowed as she gripped the door knob. His eyebrows pulled together, unsure of what to do.

“Pease, y/n/n,”

She turned to open the door, but before she could leave he pulled her against him, and into an embrace.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He whispered to her.

Y/n froze for a second, missing the feeling of his arms around her, but she broke out of those thoughts, shoving him off of her, “You don’t want to leave fine then, I’ll leave,” She said. She hastily made her way downstairs, Marcus, following behind her, no longer caring if her dad saw him. She walked past her parents in the living room, sliding her slippers on that were strewn by the front door, beginning to walk out and onto the driveway. It must’ve begun sprinkling while they had been in Y/n’s room, feeling small droplets falling on their skin.

“Y/n, where are you going!”

“Away from you Marcus! Did it occur to you that maybe you’re not the only one who needs space!” She said walking into the street, she wasn’t sure where she was going, but she knew it was away from him. The boy that had hurt her deeply, after she tried and tried to help him. After she put him and his needs, and wants, before her very own.

As she stomped away from the boy, rain began to pelt down harder.

“Y/n, I’m sorry, okay! I’m an asshole! I don’t know what more you want from me!” He shouted over the rain.”That’s the problem, Marcus!” She shouted back, wiping her wet hair away from and out of her face. Marcus gazed at the girl, his eyebrows drawn in confusion.

“I- I love you, Marcus, so much!” She continued to yell over the rain, “I do everything and anything you want, to make you happy, to help you! But it’s like, you don’t even notice it, you don’t appreciate it! And fine, that’s okay, I can accept that because I love you! You ask for space, I give you space! I want space, and you can’t respect that! You- you climb through my window and invade my space! I would never speak to you again, Marcus, if that’s what you wanted, no matter how much it would pain me to do, I’d do it! I just- sometimes I think I love you too much for my own good! I love you more than I love myself! But, I don’t care! I just- I want to know that you love me, as much as I love you! That you truly missed me, my presence! Because, sometimes it feels like you don’t, Marcus!” She sniffled, her tears mixing with the rain, the pair shivering in the cold of the rain.

Marcus remained quiet as he took in his girlfriend's words.

“I-” Y/n’s voice was shaky and raspy, “I know you struggle with your depression and anxiety, and I know that I’ll never know what that’s like, and If I could I would take all that away, so you wouldn’t have to go through all that, Marcus! Believe me, I would do it, in a heartbeat, but I can’t.. So I’m here! Here when you need me! Here when you want me! Here when you don’t need me! It’s draining, Marcus! I’m- I’m so tired! This most recent state of yours, I couldn’t sleep because I was so worried about you! Because I always put myself before you! And it’s not your fault, I don’t want you to think that this is on you or your depression, because it’s not, it’s me! I can’t stop loving you! I- I can’t stop needing you! I can’t stop being there for you! I don’t even know who I am without you! I’m- I’m nothing… without you!” Y/n sobbed, her hands clasped against her head, frustrated with herself, teeth beginning to chatter.

Marcus couldn’t tell if the droplets on his face, were from tears or the rain, or both.

“Maybe, maybe, we’re not meant to be together Marcus, because this… it’s not healthy. I didn’t want to admit it but… I depend on you too much. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I fall asleep. You deserve someone, someone who’s not so clingy. Someone who can truly help you through your depression, who can help you stay afloat. Someone better than me.” Y/n spoke, her throat beginning to ache from all the shouting over the rain.

Marcus walked toward the girl, grasping her face in his hands, “I love you, Y/n. I love you with every fiber in my being, I- I would do anything for you, trust me. You don’t know how much you mean to me. And I’m- I’m so sorry I never showed you how much you mean to me, how much I appreciate you. I- I depend on you maybe even more than you depend on me because you’re right. You’re always there for me, and I love you so much for that. You hear me Y/n, I love you, so fucking much, and I’d be lost without you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice how exhausted you’ve been. I’m sorry for being such a dick. I’m sorry for not showing you how much I appreciate you, love you, missed you. You’re the one who deserves so much more Y/n. Because you are more than enough for me, you could have had any guy you wanted, but you chose me. I’m so grateful for that, and I’ll start showing you more, I promise.” He said caressing her face in his hands, as she sniffled.

“I love you, Y/n, and I swear to god, if you give me another chance, I’ll do better, I promise. Please, please don’t give up on us.” His voice broke, “ I know we may not have the most healthy relationship, but I don’t care. I love you, you love me, that’s all that matters. We can fix this, and continue to grow together and separately and still be together, please bub. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that, I will never, never do that again. I’ll talk to you more about how I’m feeling, I’ll start seeing my therapist more often, I’ll do anything.” Marcus cried as the rain continued to pour down.

Y/n nodded, sniffles still coming from the girl.

Marcus pulled her into a tight hug, almost squeezing the life out of her, Y/n returning the tight embrace, clinging to him. Tears silently streamed down both their faces. The pair stood in silence under the rain which had slowed to a light drizzle. Marcus pulled away from the embrace after a few minutes. He gazed into Y/n’s eyes, which he loved so much and that returned the same fond gaze before pulling her into a kiss. They couldn’t remember the last time they’d kissed, let alone a kiss like this one filled with love and fervor. As the couple pulled away from the kiss gently, eyes catching a rainbow in the distance.

“I love you, Marcus Baker.” Y/n sniffled.

“I love you more, Y/n Y/l/n.” He grinned at the girl in his arms.

。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ

A/N- I don’t really know how to feel about this… but anyways I probably didn’t depict depression properly because I don’t know what it’s like. But I hope I did somewhat okay? Also that anxiety thing, I just know that wouldn’t do shit for me. When I have panic attacks they just gotta happen and somehow I just eventually calm down, idk 😂

I don’t know why the ending keeps getting like cut off by tumblr somehow 😭

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