#funky swamp beast

[injuries-in-dust]

Wake up babe, new cryptid just dropped.

[gentleeclipsey]

Have another OC, this is Gator :D

I have a funky little funny idea about falling stars and trolls being able to catch them, this fellow's one of em. If you choose not to believe that, then he's just weird!

He's half swamp dweller and half sea beast, but the swamp half is more obvious in him.

[metamagic-adept]

I want to ask you about the DND blorbo so badly it makes me look stupid. But who cares about me looking stupid please exposit at great lengths

Thank you anon!! 💖 I dont think you look stupid at all

prefacing this by saying anyone playing in this campaign with me (an impending Strixhaven one) should read no further

so. there's truly so much potential for interesting character/story hooks with the Strixhaven academic setting it makes me go feral. my current favorite one is someone's experiement/science project who got up off the table ala frankenstein. I'm looking at a mutant bloodhunter in terms of class because there's a funky blood magic professor (maybe dean?) in the Witherbloom college. the Witherbloom campus includes some very nice swamp terrain so i'm pulling crocodile/alligator-like features in to this character's design. may or may not be considering a path of the beast barbarian multiclass down the road.

and then i said to myself, "this character needs a name." and THEN i remembered the children's book "lyle, lyle, crocodile" which is a very satisfying phrase to say so i decided Lyle is a great name for this character (Lyle uses he/they/it pronouns for rn)

and then i said to myself, "but is it sad enough?" and the answer was "nope!" like many queer ppl i can't resist the appeal of playing a monstrous character who feels isolated and unlovable. i also like to joke that my favorite pcs are all fundamentally lonely in some way. however, i could also make Lyle's backstory more tragic and complicated.

so i decided that his story started with two grad students in Witherbloom trying to experiment with resurrection via alchemy instead of straight up divine magic (or even lesser necromancy). Not only were they partners in research, the two academics were also partners in life (romantic, platonic, or somewhere in-between i havent decided yet). It was promising research, too! Unfortunately it was cut short by one of them dying unexpectedly :( the other, desperate to hang onto the man they loved, used their research to try to resurrect him. It failed in returning his soul to his body. But it did put something back into his body, and that something was Lyle.

Lyle, as such, has a very complicated relationship with it's parents. Both the living one and the dead one whose body they are piloting around. The living parent loves him, but its hard when your child's face is also literally the face your dead best friend. And when that's your fault. Lyle knows that their parent wishes the procedure had brought their partner back instead of them. Lyle sometimes wishes the same; that the circumstances of his existence were entirely different. He doesn't want to die though, in fact, there is a part of them that fiercely, fiercly wants to live. And he thinks that maybe, that part is tha last remnant of their dad, urging them to keep going.

I think Lyle was also feral when it first woke up. Like, "sprinting into the swamp and unable to be found" kind of feral, or "attacking the occasional student collecting herbs" feral. "Only responds after a druid casts Awaken on it" feral. And I think at times Lyle misses the simplicity of it, of following insticts and eating when hungry and not worrying about parents or friends or wearing someone else's face (its their face too, they dont have another one.)

Lyle rhymes with crocodile, but it also comes from the old french "L'isle" meaning island or someone from an island. Talk about feeling isolated...

[koopzilla]

@simiansmoke cont.

Bubbles erupted from the core of the spring. It started as a quiet surge: several pops sounded behind him. His neck whipped; he eyed the distraction cautiously.

"... Did I eat something funky?" Claw nursing his stomach, his tail tried to brush the stew aside. Their spring evolved into a cauldron despite his protest. He is not the cause.

Three strikes of strange tensed his shoulders once again. The claw in the pool's reflection slowly furled into a fist. This is not home to Bowser; he readied himself for a fight!

The environment combats every notion of confrontation. It jolted warmth from the tip of the monster's tail to his core. Flickering refracting light dances over his scales, pushed forth by the current. It turned their little pond into a disco ball! Gifts produced at the edge are peace offerings from kongs to koopas. Even the sky seemed to shimmer at that moment. The world demands peace. Bowser obliged... for now.

The king hunched low, resuming the pose of an alligator in its swamp. Beneath the steam, Bowser vanished. Ripples suddenly became waves in the spring! A splash erupted from the center! Then, from the shroud, the monster erupted! Sliding on his gut, he crashed right atop the kong! Bulging biceps close in on each side! In one swift motion, the king of koopas pinned the prince of the kongs beneath him!

There is no remorse for the ruptured personal space. The beast cackled wickedly, reaching over the ape for the true prize... the drink. Burying the ape, he delicately clawed the stem of the cup and spilled the treat aboard his tongue.

"... Banana." Of course! Do these stupid monkeys know any other flavors!?

His rush was wasted. Peering past the edge, a picnic of presents awaited them both. A perfectly prepared Jungle Kingdom special! Or, it would have been if prepped by the hot spring staff. Several oddities stick out: namely a drumstick hanging out the side of the basket. Meat. It is a needle in a haystack in a kingdom full of vegans... Its smell has a river dripping off the Koopa's chin. His stomach roared! A desperate stretch drowns poor DK and drags the basket close.

Only with prize in hand does Bowser at last roll, stealing a spot beside the kong. He copies DK, laying back. Shell spikes scratched the rock edge of the spring as his feet sprawled outward. Eagerly wiggling toes splash the warmth about him. Eventually. the king pulls his giant turkey leg outward and gave it a sloppy bite. He rested the basket atop his belly. Carnivorism has been the one treat missing from this vacation. Something had heard the desire for a good vibe and granted them exactly what was missing.

But what is something? Fortunately, greed distracts. "Finally, someone brings me something good!" Another sloppy bite spills grease aboard his breast. "Whoever brought this stuff deserves a raise! Tell your Daddy! When I rule this place, meat is gonna be a MUST."

[cardest]

New Orleans playlist

Hungry for some po boys? Feeling the Mardi Gras vibes for this weekend? This is the ultimate NOLA playlist, right here. Play the songs here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-iHPcxymC182dTlE-Gii6ZOO5ZrN1Z1T

Louisiana and New Orleans, all in the one awesome playlist. If there are songs I left out, let me know and I can add those. Or come meet me at Le Bon Temps Roulé  and we’ll listen to this NOLA playlist together with drinks.

LOUISIANA & NEW ORLEANS

001 Bob James - Take Me To The Mardi Gras 002 Earl King - Ain’t no city like New Orleans 003 John Lee Hooker - goin’ to Louisiana 004 Crowbar -  Wrath Of Time By Judgment 005 True Detective - Theme (The Handsome Family - Far From Any Road) 006 EyeHateGod - New Orleans Is The New Vietnam 007 The The Meters -  Chicken Strut 008 Paul McCartney - Live And Let Die (from Live And Let Die) 009 The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar 010 Lucinda Williams - Crescent City 011 King Hobo -  New Or-Sa-Leans 012 Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting 013 Down - Underneath Everything 014 True Blood Theme Song (Jace Everett - Bad Things) 015 Corrosion of Conformity -  Broken Man 016 The New Orleans Jazz Vipers - I Hope Your Comin' Back To New Orleans 017 Willy DeVille - Jump City 018 Left Side - Gold In New Orleans 017 Necrophagia -  Reborn through Black Mass 018 Johnny Horton -  The Battle Of New Orleans 019 Dr John - Litanie des Saints 020 Foo Fighters - In the Clear 021 Redbone - The Witch Queen Of New Orleans 022 Jucifer - Lautrichienne 023 Danzig - It's a long way back from hell 024 Harry Connick, Jr. -  Oh, My Nola 025 The Gaturs - Gator Bait 026 Jon Bon Jovi - Queen Of New Orleans 027 Cyril Neville -  Gossip 028 Carlos Santana - Black Magic Woman 029 Gentleman June Gardner - It's Gonna Rain 030 Eddy G. Giles - Soul Feeling (Part 1) 031 Tool - Swamp Song 032 Beasts of Bourbon -  Psycho 033 Seratones - Gotta Get To Know Ya 034 Chuck Berry -  You Never Can Tell 035 Grateful Dead - Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodleoo 036 Pale Misery - Hope is a Mistake 037 Exhorder - Homicide 038 King James & the Special Men - Special Man Boogie 039 Chuck Carbo -  Can I Be Your Squeeze 040 Amebix - Axeman 041 Tomahawk - Captain Midnight 042 Waylon Jennings - Jambalaya 043 Heavy Lids - Deviate 044 Red Hot Chili Peppers -  Apache Rose Peacock 045 Necrophagia -  Rue Morgue Disciple 046 Johnny Cash -  Big River 047 Albert King -  Laundromat Blues 048 Meklit Feat Preservation Hall Horns - You Are My Luck 049 Le Winston Band  - En haut de la montagne 050 Dr. john - I Thought I Heard New Orleans Say 051 Down -  New Orleans is a dying whore 052 Samhain -  To Walk The Night 053 Creedence Clearwater Revival -  Green River 054 Southern Culture on the Skids -  Voodoo Cadillac 055 Bonnie, Sheila -  You Keep Me Hanging On 056 Warren Lee -  Funky Bell 057 Elf - Annie New Orleans 058 Cannonball Adderley - New Orleans Strut 059 Doug Kershaw - Louisiana Man - New Orleans Version 060 Willy deVille  - Voodoo Charm 061 The Animals -  The House of the Rising Sun 062 Porgy Jones -  The Dapp 063 Lost Bayou Ramblers - Sabine Turnaround 064 IDRIS MUHAMMAD - New Orleans 065 John Lee Hooker - Boogie Chillen No. 2 066 Hank 3 - Hillbilly Joker 067 Nine Inch Nails -  Heresy 068 Talking Heads - Swamp 069 Irma Thomas - I'd Rather Go Blind 070 Mississippi Fred McDowell -  I'm Going Down the River 071 Dee Dee Bridgewater   - Big Chief 072 Dr. John  - Creole Moon 073 Agents of Oblivion -  Slave Riot 074 Steve Vai - Voodoo Acid 075 Saviours -  Slave To The Hex 076 Kris  Kristofferson -  Casey's Last Ride 077 JJ Cale - Louisiana Women 078 Cher - Dark Lady of New Orleans 079 LE ROUX - Take A Ride On A Riverboat 080 The Melvins -  A History Of Bad Men 081 Floodgate - Through My Days Into My Nights 082 Opprobium - voices from the grave 083 Quintron & Miss Pussycat - Swamp Buggy Badass 084 Child Bite - ancestral ooze 085 Sammi Smith - The City Of New Orleans 086 The Explosions - Garden Of Four Trees 087 Bobby Boyd - straight ahead 088 Bobby Charles - Street People 089 Wall of Voodoo -  Far Side of Crazy 090 Rhiannon Giddens - Freedom Highway (feat. Bhi Bhiman) 091 Elton John - Honky Cat 092 Serge Gainsbourg - Bonnie and Clyde 093 Fats Domino - I'm Walking To New Orleans 094 Cruel Sea - Orleans Stomp 095 Down -  On March The Saints 096 Danzig -  Ju Ju Bone 097 The Neville Brothers ~ Voodoo 098 Megadeth -  The Conjuring 099 Miles Davis - Miles runs the voodoo down 100 Elvis Presley - King Creole 101 Led Zeppelin - Royal Orleans 102 The Lime Spiders -  Slave Girl 103 BIG BILL BROONZY  -'Mississippi River Blues'   104 Kreeps - Bad Voodoo 105 Dirty Dozen Brass Band -  Caravan 106 Kirk Windstein -  Dream In Motion 107 Eletric Prunes - Kyrie Eleison - Mardi Gras 108 Merle Haggard - The Legend Of Bonnie And Clyde 109 Corrosion of Conformity -  River of Stone 110 THE ADVENTURES OF HUCK FINN (MAIN TITLE) 111 Zigaboo Modeliste - Guns 112 ReBirth Brass Band - Let's Go Get 'Em 113 Inell Young -  What Do You See In Her? 114 Jimi Hendrix - If 6 as 9 (Studio Version) Easy Rider Soundtrack 115 Deep Purple -  Speed King 116 Exhorder - The Law 117 Crowbar -  The Cemetery Angels 118 A Streetcar Named Desire OST - Main Title 119 WOORMS - Take His Fucking Leg 120 steely dan - pearl of the quarter 121 Tabby Thomas - Hoodoo Party 122 Black Label Society -  Parade of the Dead 123 Dwight James & The Royals - Need Your Loving 124 Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (2012) The Rampant Hunter (Soundtrack OST) 125 PanterA - The Great Southern Trendkill 126 Ween - WHO DAT? 127 Earl King - Street Parade 128 Ernie K-Doe - Here Come The Girls 129 Dejan's Olympia Brass Band ~ Mardi Gras In New Orleans 130 Body Count -  KKK Bitch 131 Goatwhore - Apocalyptic Havoc 132 C.C. Adcock - Y'all d Think She Be Good To Me (from True Blood S01E01) 133 The Meters - Fire On The Bayou 134 Dr. John - I Walk On Guilded Splinters 135 Balfa Brothers - J'ai Passe Devant ta Porte 136 Ween - Voodoo Lady 137 King Diamond -  'LOA' House 138 Creedence Clearwater Revival - Born On The Bayou 139 Dax Riggs -  See You All In Hell Or New Orleans 140 Professor Longhair - Go to the Mardi Gras 141 Dixie Witch -  Shoot The Moon 142 Ramones - The KKK Took My Baby Away 143 Fats Waller -  There's Going To Be The Devil To Pay 144 Mississippi Fred McDowell -  When the Train Comes Along with Sidney Carter & Rose Hemphill 145 Treme Song (Main Title Version) 146 Tony Joe White - Even Trolls Love Rock and Roll 147 Nine Inch Nails -  Sin 148 Exodus -  Cajun Hell 149 NEIL DIAMOND - New Orleans 150 James Brown - Call Me Super Bad 151 Jimi Hendrix -  Voodoo Child ( Slight Return ) 152 Allen Toussaint - Chokin Kind 153 Dash Rip Rock  - Meet Me at the River 154 Hawg Jaw- 4 Lo 155 Hot 8 Brass Band - Keepin It Funky 156 Hank Williams III - Rebel Within 157 Dejan's Original Olympia Brass Band - Shake It And Break It 158 Jelly Roll Morton -  Finger Buster 159 The Royal Pendletons - (Im a) Sore Loser 160 Little Bob & The Lollipops - Nobody But You 161 Gregg Allman - Floating Bridge (True Detective Soundtrack) 162 Michael Doucel with Beausoleil - Valse de Grand Meche 163 Dolly Parton - My Blue Ridge Mountain Boy 164 Othar Turner & the Afrossippi Allstars – Shimmy She Wobble 165 Jucifer - Fleur De Lis 166 Soilent Green -  Leaves Of Three 167 Ides Of Gemini -  Queen of New Orleans 168 Betty Harris -  Trouble with My Lover 169 Lead Belly - Pick A Bale Of Cotton 170 Candyman Opening Theme 171 Goatwhore - When Steel and Bone Meet 172 Acid Bath - Bleed Me An Ocean 173 Pere Ubu - Louisiana Train Wreck 174 Walter -Wolfman- Washington - You Can Stay But the Noise Must Go 175 Alice in Chains -  Hate To Feel 176 Body Count -  Voodoo 177 Live and Let Die - Jazz Funeral 178 Smoky Babe -  Cotton Field Blues 179 Professor Longhair - Big Chief Part 2 180 Lewis Boogie - Walk the Line 181 James Black - Theres a Storm in the Gulf 182 The Balfa Brothers - Parlez Nous A Boire 183 The Jambalaya Cajun Band - Bayou Teche Two Step 184 The Deacons -  Fagged Out 185 Thou - The Changeling Prince 186 Black Sabbath -  Voodoo 187 King Diamond -  Louisiana Darkness 188 Doyle -  Cemeterysexxx 189 KINGDOM OF SORROW - Grieve a Lifetime 190 Hank Williams III - Louisiana Stripes 191 FORMING THE VOID - On We Sail 192 BUCK BILOXI AND THE FUCKS - fuck you 193 Down in New Orleans - The Princess and the Frog Soundtrack 194 Trombone Shorty & James Andrews  - oh Poo Pah Doo 195 Whitesnake -  Ain't No Love In The Heart Of The City 196 The Dirty Dozen Brass band - Voodoo 197 Joe Simon - The Chokin' Kind 198 Down -  Ghosts along the Mississippi 199 AEROSMITH  - Voodoo Medicine Man 200 Nine Inch Nails -  The Perfect Drug 201 The Byrds - [Sanctuary III] Ballad Of Easy Rider 202 The Iguauas - Boom Boom Boom 203 PJ Harvey - Down By The Water 204 Louis Armstrong - Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans 205 Dr John - Right Place Wrong Time 206 ESTHER ROSE - handyman 207 Lightnin Slim - It's Mighty Crazy 208 Slim Harpo - Blues Hangover 209 Irma Thomas - Ruler Of My Heart 210 WEATHER WARLOCK - Fukk the Plan-0 211 Superjoint Ritual - The Alcoholik (Use Once And Destroy) 212 Stressball - dust 213 Trampoline Team - Kill You On The Streetcar 214 Xander Harris - Where’s your Villain? 215 Dukes of Dixieland - When The Saints Go Marching In 216 Kid Congo & The Pink Monkey Birds - Su Su 217 Danzig - I'm the one 218 EyeHatteGod - Pigs 219 Hank Williams Jr - Amos Moses 220 The Cramps - Alligator Stomp 221 Crowbar - The Serpent Only Lies 222 Shrüm - drip 223 Thou  - The Only Law 224 DR. JOHN - Babylon   225 Garth Brooks - Callin' Baton Rouge 226 Wild Magnolias - All On A Mardi Gras Day 227 NCIS New Orleans TV Show theme 228 Skull Duggery - Big Easy 229 Harry Connick Jr. - City beaneath the sea 230 Elvis Presley - Dixieland Rock 231 Tom Waits - I Wish I Was In New Orleans (In The Ninth Ward) 232 Neil Young - Everybody's Rockin 233 Philip H. Anselmo & The Illegals - Delinquent 234 CORROSION OF CONFORMITY - Wolf Named Crow 235 Widespread Panic - Fishwater 236 Lillian Boutté - Why Don't You Go Down to New Orleans 237 Bryan Ferry - Limbo 238 Scream - Mardi Gras 239 EyeHateGod - Shoplift 240 Better Than Ezra - good 241 Duke Ellington - Perdido (1960 Version) 242 Bob Dylan - Rambling, Gambling Willie 243 Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - sAve my soul 244 Le Roux - So Fired Up 245 Concrete Blonde - The Vampire song 246 Boozoo Chavis - Zydeco Mardi Gras 247 Idris Muhammad  - Piece of mind 248 Les Hooper - Back in Blue Orleans 249 Doug Kershaw - Cajun stripper 250 DOWN  - Witchtripper 251 Soilent Green - So hatred 252 Professional Longhair - Big chief 253 Willie Nelson - City Of New Orleans 254 Tom Waits - Whistlin' Past The Graveyard 255 Brian Fallon - sleepwalkers 256 Patsy - Count It On Down 257 Into the Moat - The Siege Of Orleans 258 Bruce Cockburn - Down To The Delta 259 Jello Biafra · the Raunch and Soul All-Stars - Fannie Mae 260 Exhorder - Asunder 261 Cane Hill - Too Far Gone 262 The Slackers - peculiar 263 Crowbar  - A Breed Apart   264 COC - Wiseblood 265 Necrophagia - Embalmed Yet I Breathe 266 EYEHATEGOD - Fake What's Yours 333 Alan Vega - Bye Bye Bayou 666 DOWN  - Stone the crow

I don’t beads by the way! Hit play here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-iHPcxymC182dTlE-Gii6ZOO5ZrN1Z1T

[nyaitsu-writes]

nya my beloved !! i am doing great, i actually made a writing blog a month ago because you inspired me ☆ /srs

i . . . am actually trying to fix my sleeping schedule, so i need to be dead asleep before 23:00 . getting a good night’s sleep feels so refreshing, to be honest (๑･̑◡･̑๑) ( i’m sleep-deprived in the past few years HAJSHA)

and your exams omg,, good luck !! i know you can do it ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ tell your last braincell to hold on a little longer HAHSGZHAHS

the ibara prompt is in character ! wdym it’s ooc,, 🍡 is a huge ibaraP yk,, i love reading all your works esp ibara’s . . .

and oooooo i hope you get sora at least !! i stopped doing the event because i’m having an enstars burnout and i’m just logging in to get the daily awards and stuff . my mind says there’s an ibara event coming soon and i need to save *hides my 175 gems in the corner*

— 🍡

oh gosh you did?? that's so awesome! i am waiting. here. please give me your @ 🤲 i'm going to spam the heck out of your blog my cute lil dango,, you're going to have to block me to get rid of me (●ˇ∀ˇ●)<3 i want to read your writing so bad <33 if you don't want it public my dms are open too don't worry!

yesyes you go fix your sleep schedule that is super important! i'm kinda,, the other way around now and i'm not proud of it ;; i've always slept a good amount but it slowly went from a lot to 8 hours to 7... last semester was 6 and now i'm somewhere around 5 (┬┬﹏┬┬) given that i'm slowly but surely being swamped by work and projects i don't like it one bit,, me likes the sleepies. i am the happiest when i get to sleep 12 hours. i am channelling my inner ritsu as soon as i get a break!!

aaa that makes me so relieved!! i find it really fun how i get a surprising amount of ibara prompts every so often www he's a funky boy to write for,, a lil snakie if you will. the anime didn't really paint him in the best light so i want to read more things about him,, story recs are very much welcomed!

i just got sora like checks clock,, 15 minutes ago. finally home <3 i got severely burnt out a while back + couldn't find the time so i haven't played any events since... when was shinsekai again? (＞︿＜) i think that was the last one i played seriously sobsob like wow can you believe i didn't played hidden beast nor the la mort one. not even the big one at the beginning of the year. but the one that bugs me the absolute most is love letter. yuta's new hairstyle i just. i mean like i can even get a 5* in a point event but i could've gotten hinata maybe </3 i am obsessed with yuta's new hairstyle and the love letter outfit is so pretty..... getting all my 2winkP ness back all at once

anyways good luck saving up! as a f2p in enstars i know the absolute pain. if only enstars gave us more free dia,, and maybe better gacha rates my life would be complete <(＿　＿)>

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

Responses from the Opera Screencaps Captioning Quiz

Hello, everyone, and thank you for taking my quiz! I had SO MUCH fun reading your captions-- there were several times I literally started crying from laughing so hard at the amazingness of your work! With that in mind, the captions (which I will continue to add onto as more people take it):

(also, thank you to @dichterfuerstin​ for translating the German captions I got)

originally taken from: the Wiener Staatsoper’s 2020 production of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail, featuring Regula Mühlemann (center) as Blonde, Michael Laurenz (right) as Pedrillo, and an unnamed extra (left) as the Grim Reaper

Responses:

(Backstage warm-up) “ok so someone dropped the pulse”

me and my friends watching the fire burn after doing arson

Introducing the polycule to the parents

*boom* ... did...you guys hear that too?

Ma Signor !

Knight in whinging armour gone wrong, look at how he holds the egg. Polyamory with weird knight and death.

the father, son and the holy ghost are very gay

the gays meeting for brunch, 2021, colorized

chicken lady forces death and a very flamboyantly homosexual anthropomorphized pink bird to be parents of her egg (they dont want to be)

That’s just me and my friends on our night out (before covid rip)-- closest

A Good Friday night

good omens (2019)

["the pocket guide to boy/girl/mischief" meme] who's the boy and who's the mischief though????

Papageno and Papagena take their first-born egg trick-or-treating

Angry Birds - The Musical. A pig stole an egg and the bird unites with death to take revenge.

I love my bird wife

Someone got murdered during the funky chicken dance

throuple murders child and steals sibling of said child

When you and your friends have widely different tastes in literature

angel leading twink to his rightful place (hell)

draco malfoy from a very potter musical and a death eater are very much in the wrong show

What have I gotten myself into

Mlm/wlw solidarity but I’m not telling who is who

A woman stands with a pink dipshit with an egg and a reaper.

A bird-couple makes a pact with Death, sacrificing their first-born bird-child in order to bring good luck upon their unborn bird-baby

There are three types of people on Halloween:

Uh oh, I don’t think the mother hen is very happy about this...

oh god, they’ve invented seussical. It’s too early!

gay brunch

Three little maids from school are we

guys maybe if we dress gay enough we can distract everyone from the dead flapper bee in the back

those three killed a duck for her egg and are facing the conswquences.

Duck has egg with human, shocked and upset due to biological impossibility

When you bout to make a banging omelet so you invite your fellow queers

"No mortal man could pass that egg, but heaven shall repair your rectum."

originally taken from: the Salzburg Festival’s 2007 production of Hector Berlioz’s Benvenuto Cellini, featuring Maija Kovalevska (left) as Teresa Balducci, Laurent Naouri (center, in chimney) as Fieramosca, and Burkhard Fritz (right) as Benvenuto Cellini

Responses:

“In this same interlude it doth befall That I, one Snout by name, present a wall; And such a wall, as I would have you think, That had in it a crannied hole or chink, Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby, Did whisper often very secretly. This loam, this rough-cast and this stone doth show That I am that same wall; the truth is so: And this the cranny is, right and sinister, Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.” - a midsummer night’s dream, act v scene 1

"ah yes a prime specimen. see here, right in this box is our one of a kind hob goblin that can be all yours for the low low price of your soul"

what, YOU don't have a special eavesdropping chimney window?

Hänsel und Gretel plotting against the witch

man takes a wrong turn and ends up in a chimney, catches his girlfriend cheating-- closest

when you end up third wheeling the straight couple

lady cheats on her leather jacket wearing scummy boyfriend and when he unexpectedly comes home she hides the lover in the chimney

A straight girl and her gay best friend gossip about stuff idk

Idk Shakespeare?

experimental couples therapy feat. the chimney mf from mary poppins

Area Couple Inadvertently Traps Santa-in-Training in Chimney as they Attempt Rooftop Flirting

Landlords laugh over student renter's misfortune

I never asked for this

Ay yo lil mama lemme whisper in your ear

voyeurist listens to sandy and Danny from grease

Psssst! Did you hear about Susan? You won’t believe it!

lady and the tramp meets beauty and the beast?

human trafficking

And for just $30 you too could have your own tiny brick cage!

Psst I’m wearing assless chaps under this dress

A couple tortures a man in a box.

It's all fun and games being stuck in a chimney until your greasy uncle steals your crush from right above you-- okay ngl this could actually be a great Don Pasquale concept

Taking eavesdropping to the next level

Will you two stop being lovey dovey and let me out? SUMMER LOVIN, HAPPENED SO FAST— 

overhearing how people talk about you when they think they're alone puts you in the shithouse 

Does he know we can see him?

dear god, i am so fucking hungry, yall please just do whatever heterosexuals do so i can go eat a popsicle 

the human version of the trash man from sesame street is realizing that those two are going to fuck on his trash can 

Tmw you capture an angry short dude and start trashtalking him where he can hear 

Omg what if we kissed but we actually kissed the lil goblin man under us

"Remember, don't feed him after midnight"

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Leonardo Estevez (right, on fake horse) as Le Comte d’Oberthal

Responses:

“When I said we needed to drain the swamp I didn’t think there were people actually living there”

horse? what horse? no sir i dont know what horse youre referring to.

definitely don't have a napoleon complex going on

King stole La Scala‘s Lohengrin set

king breaks all his horses, has to use statue dragged by servants as transportation because he’s too kingly too walk

Emperor Söder and his subjects on a carnival procession

man on horse makes a big deal out of being on a horse

That’s not Zeffirelli because the horse is not alive

Who the fuck put a horse on the stage

isn't this that picture of napoleon on the horse

Area Count Thinks Citizens will be Intimidated by his Extremely Fake-looking Horse Statue-- closest

Everyone wants their turn on the giant plaster horse. Police are there to make sure everyone waits their turn.

Night out with the lads

Local royalty horrified at the state of his own damn kingdom

gay army fights different gay aesthetics-- hi author how does it feel to be the funniest fucking person on this quiz

Well at least I LOOK badass

ceasar if he hadn't gotten stabbed (colourised)

some soldiers jumped out of my kindergarten fairytale collection book to burn the don carlos flemish deputies at the stake

It’s just a model

Is that how you feel pulling up in your Honda Civic, Madge?

Someone rides a horse statue in public.

Just a normal party with the bros.

what is this, some kind of crossover episode? 

Terribly sorry for all the fuss, it’s just, that is, my horse is afraid of neck ruffles. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s—whoaaa there—he said he was a french courtier in a past life and he’s allergic to English fashion 

Horse seller, listen to me! I am riding into battle. I need your strongest horse. - We have horses at home. - The horses at home: 

All hail Incitatus the king 

we are not ripping off shakespeare’s henry viii. what the fuck. this is about lenny xi you uncultured swine, go drown in a pit of your own farts 

oh god is that hamilton 

Guy Removed From Art Museum For Sitting On Statue, more at eleven 

Gay <3

Officer: This horse... is a virgin! Crowd: *cheers*

originally taken from: the Parma Verdi Festival’s 2017 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Stiffelio, featuring Maria Katzarava (left) as Lina and Luciano Ganci (right) as Stiffelio

Responses:

That One kid in class

its a mEntAL BreAkDowN *final countdown but kazoo*

*record scratch* yeah, that's me. you're probably wondering how I got here-- closest

Dad keeps monologuing, teenager is done

left: all of my concerned friends, right: my emo ass having a very public mental breakdown

the demons in the corner of my room when im just trying to sleep

lady gets mansplained to (do i need to say more, we've all been there)

It’s probably an area baritone telling off an area soprano-- sorry; it’s a tenor. soprano is right though.

That was a fake horse in the last photo right?

child comes out as gay to father at a particularly bad time

dissociation solves everything

I can't believe it's not butter

Honey we talked about this

My sleep paralysis demon is Crowley from supernatural

child has nightmare of boring job

When you start dating a singer but he won’t stop practicing at night

just an average day in a hetero marriage

what do i do my wife's having period cramps again

Stop having an existential crisis. It’s time to sing!

“No son of mine will kin Gomez Addams under MY roof”

Crowley stares into space while a teen has post nut clarity.

When he wont stop reciting jordan peterson monologues!!

Do you realize how effed you are?

Ugh, not this lecture again! Dad’s Practicing For His Experimental Indie Band Again 

asking your parents for help with your own personal situation and them just ranting off about what they went through instead of helping in any way 

Will he shut up already!

no one tell him he’s yelling in the wrong direction, no one tell him plnsbdjddhdj 

this kid is tired of his dad listening to rush limbaugh (a man who claimed to be pro life but died anyway) 

Me internally vs externally 

Daddy issues

originally taken from: the Grand Théâtre de Genève’s 2020 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots, featuring several chorus members

Responses:

It’s the deadly eye Of Poogley-pie. Look away, look away, As you walk by, ‘Cause whoever looks right at it Surely will die. It’s a good thing you didn’t … You did? … Good-bye. - shel Silverstein

why the fuckith? my good sir, i beg of you to put your pants back on

I hate this itchy hat

Titanic Extras hear that they have to do extra hours

people waiting to board the titanic watch someone fall off the plank

pov: you’re a time traveler

guy in the flatcap is embarrassed by patriotism and pathos

No idea. For some reason Le Marseillaise comes to mind

Is this from Harry Potter?

disneyland main street usa workers on strike

local tries to hide behind Newsies cap to avoid unpleasant but inevitable conversations. meanwhile, some very fashionable ladies look on.

"Thank fuck, 2020 was just a dream after all"

“We gather here today because this bitch got exactly what she deserved” “heaven!” “Stfu Stephanie she’s going to hell and we all know it”-- not quite but this basically happens later on in the opera (and act) so yeah (except the person in question very much Did Not Deserve It)

dc movie filter on bridgerton

america?

looks like my history teacher paused the prohibition documentary again

Who still wears page boy hats bro?

Coming out to a room of people who Already Knew That

Bitches are relieved at some party.

Several drunk people exiting getting off the subway attempting to seem sober and rational but realizing they have somehow lost all of their possessions

How tf do I act natural in this situation-- closest

“do you think any of them noticed that I don’t know the pledge of allegiance” 

It's too fucking hot outside for this outfit 

?

when hyyh yoonkook ending just hits different 

pedestrians watch in horror as the triangle shirtwaist factory burns and the workers throw themselves out of the windows from a dozen stories up 

Starting the pledge of allegiance be like 

He's having a heart attack oh no oh god oh fuck

originally taken from: if I remember correctly, the Semperoper Dresden’s 2018 semi-staging of Johann Strauss II’s Die Fledermaus, with Jonas Kaufmann as Gabriel von Eisenstein

Responses:

“William Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man" I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman A blonde woman Over the past three years she taught me And showed us all That being true to yourself never goes out of style Ladies and gentlemen Our valedictorian: Elle Woods!” - legally blonde the musical

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

woooooorrrrd

Finally Jonas has graduated! It’s about time, considering he’s an international star.

what my professors think they look like

Prof. Dr. Dr. When someone tells him there are more than two genders

'and since you've now graduated high school, you'll be entering college etc. blablabla' .........meanwhile, there's a whole row of graduates daring each other to chug the cheap vodka one of them has brought in gallons (yes that happened at my graduation, lol)

Jonas darling baby <3-- can’t argue with that

I just realized I have no idea what the actual fuck happens in an opera

ok this one is just what jonas kaufmann always wears you can't fool me.

"as valedictorian i will share with you the importance of loving the floor"

"Yes, mother, my art degree will make me money!"

Graduation speakers are out, singers are in

Senior year takes a new meaninbg

mansplainer professor explains the concept of feminism to women

Your Prof when you finally turn in that missing assignment be like

younger boris johnson (derogatory)

jonas kaufmann retires from opera and takes up motivational speaking

What a fine graduation evening we’re having today

-70 points for slytherin you all have no swag

A man with a college hat sings.

An obviously greying actor trying to play a university student in a low-budget porn parody

How it feels to graduate high school after being held back for years

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose. Where a jock can cook up a mean crème brûlée, and a brainiac can break it down on the dance floor-

I may not have been "cool" in high school, but in ten years you will all be working for me!

I finally got my GED!

that one guy in ur intro to cultural anthropology class who mansplains to the professor somehow fucking graduated

he;s just graduating and taking his speech too serously idk

Graduation speeches with that one dude who got held back 3 times

Smrt

originally taken from: the Metropolitan Opera’s 2011 staging of Gioachino Rossini’s Le Comte Ory with Joyce DiDonato (left) as Isolier, Diana Damrau (center) as Countess Adèle, and Juan Diego Florez (right) as Le Comte Ory (disguised as a hermit)

Responses:

There is something very [disturbing grunts] About polyamorous couples - polyamorous, Chris Fleming

jinkies

femme fatale (including to herself)

I’ll have a threesome soon !

Hot guy walks by, everyone swoons.

thirdwheeling friend does not realize the other two are having sex

When your girlfriend had „just two beers“ again

jesus is exasperated about having to drag the two ladies towards doing what he needs them to do instead of purple dramatically declaring suicidal intent over the smallest trivial matters and red being equally dramatic about declaring that it's not the way! stay alive! i love you!!

The throuple is thriving

Get off the milf

orgy

my last three braincells because im a horny slut

countess receives too much love and is confused on how to react

Rasputin's lesser known romp with a much older czarina of russia

Woman's soul leaves body

Jesus and co. are worried after another woman gets pregnant without having sex

bisexual looks at photos of celebrity couples

When you go to the party to socialize with new people but your weirdo friend group starts getting clingy

Jesus cumming

one of those weird church christmas pageants but everybody's drunk

What have I done

Hozier??????????

Jesus assfucks some purple lady being hugged.

This time, the chick IS the magnet

An affair/threesome gone awry (2019 colorized)

What do you mean they canceled GLOW?

“I TOLD you it was cashmere!”

Are you wearing the - - The Gucci dress? Yes I am.

It's not what it looks like!

jesus is fucking that one cheerleader who grew up to be a suburban mom with one (1) super cool dress she stole from her kid who is desperately hugging her middle begging for it back because the spring fling is coming up and jason might actually make eye contact with her for more than three seconds.

jesus and mary magdaline and some other bitch

I’m at a bar and these drunk girls are flirting with me, do I lOOK GAY?!

Shrek 5, jesus's return

c. 2025 First attempt of an Officer and his Wife with a Handmaiden (colourized)

just about all of these are close lol

originally taken from: the Bolshoi Theater’s 1993 staging of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Maid of Orléans, featuring Nina Rautio (left) as Joan of Arc and Vyacheslav Pochapsky (right) as Thibaut d’Arc

Responses:

Don’t look, I’m still pooping

yall, the audacity of this man. he fuckin talked to me

*i can't even tell you how wrong you are* *it would be insulting to ME*-- closest

Cospeto!

„No I’m not talking to you, you keep cracking bad jokes!“ - „But I got another!“

when you’re mad at him but he says he’ll buy you food if you cheer up

When I’m wallowing in self-pity but my friends won’t comfort me

right: wanna fuck ;) left: yeah, fuck OFF lmao

Her face is screaming “don’t tell me what to do”

Yeah I got nothing

gay man tries to hit on a lesbian bc he thinks she's a twink. she's not amused but she's watching this happen anyway

me tired of MET's bullshit and them organising a Netrebko, known blackface apologist, a recital during Black History Month. (sorry im still fucking salty lol)

"stop smiling at me like that I'm trying to pout over here"

"I got fleas, you got fleas... wanna fuck?"

I have the best idea!

Haha nooooo don’t hit me with that bat you’re so sexxyy

lesbian is bothered by dilf

Me trying to flirt

if call me by your name was hetero and set in america

how many more dad jokes can i take before i explode

So. You’ve gotten yourself in a little pickle again.

What if we fought in the Russian revolution together ✨???????... unless??

Two people flirt in a poor place of town/

"If you ask me what I've got under this dirty, shapeless tunic one more time I swear to god I will kick your rotting teeth in"

You look like ur gonna kill me but ok

Really? You again?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, do you think it’s safe to—oh god, he’s still there.

Have you seen Godot?

she is tired of everyone’s shit. she has done so many derivatives it physically pains her to see a variable. dont test her. ur icarus rn.

idk pick better pictures-- I HAVE DIED THE SHEER AUDACITY AND HUBRIS I LOVE THIS

200% done with your crap 

Homeless man has fucking legs of steel n is gonna show off his Russian dance moves

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2019 staging of Paul Dukas’ Ariane et Barbe-bleue, featuring Sophie Koch (right) as Ariane and I don’t remember who the person on the left is rip me

Responses:

The knight who wore this into battle sure was swaggy

dear god its hiddeous

Capitalism

Knight in shining armour gone even more wrong.

ghost contemplates the safety of spiky motorcycle helmet

„Stop! He feels bullied!“

'this is my newest take for jesus's crucifixion crown ...... what do you mean they already put him up'

That’s probably a really expensive magic helmet idk. IDK-- closest

Omg I love the adventure zone!

minesweeper (windows xp)

"Okay whatever you do don't touch the shiny spiky ball" "It's so shiny I wanna touch it"

Taking down the trash way too late

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM

Darth Vader got stuck in the freezer.... again. Leia isn’t happy

Star Wars 2030

“And here is the very latest in motorcycle helmet trends” “Look, I only came to the mall for a pair of socks “

futuristic kkk

long-suffering jewelry store attendant really wants to retire

Put it down put it down put it down

“Hmm no you should see a doctor about that”

A weird ass crown is presented

The creation of sars-cov-2: an experimental Eurotrance nightclub art piece gone horribly wrong

How it feels to want something that u cant have

AND WE WILL CALL IT—SPIKE MAN actually do you think that’s too obvious?? Because of the—yeah, because of the spikes?? See, that’s what I’m worried about. I want it to be SCARY

I know it's risky but... lube me up

?

use the force luke.

that is a weird fleshlight

When you get an ugly gift and need to find a way to get rid of it, so your family member/friend offers to smash it

Touch the orb

originally taken from: the Opera Vlaanderen’s 2019 staging of Fromental Halévy’s La Juive, with Nicole Chevalier (left, with bottle) as Princess Eudoxie, Enea Scala (center, under table) as Prince Léopold, and Roy Cornelius Smith (right) as Éléazar

Responses:

When no one comes to your birthday party :(

fantastic, day 487 of mischief and they have yet to find my masterful hiding spot

i really wonder who he thinks he's playing footsie with

Marriage crisis. Reason sits under the table-- closest but not in the way you think (after all, the man under the table IS a tenor).

the last supper afterparty after jesus left

When you order the last supper on wish

espionage at the Politischer Rosenmontag

Probably the wrong opera but is that Leporello under the table

Now THIS is a Good Friday night

this was every birthday party i went to between the ages of 5 and 11

that awkward moment when you drop your fork under the table but when you re-emerge everyone else has left except one drunk lady and the guy trying to deal with her

After the last supper

Tfw you arrive to the dinner party too early and have to hide until a more fashionable hour

When the cishets aren’t home

waiter hides from customers

Nobody: My dog every time I’m eating:

what's left of the homies Jesus had dinner with

university chem lab experiment gone terribly wrong

I’ve been under the table FOR 30 MINUTES

Set your friends up by tossing them off under the table, they’ll think it’s each other n fall in luv

Someone hids under a table

"You're about to see an surreptitious-under-the-table-dick-sucking master at work"

5 yr old me trying to eat the desert under the table without my parents finding out be like:

They never invite me to their parties!

Just another girl’s night in

Oops! Didn’t notice you the table.

dionysus - bts (2019, colorized)

just a normal episode of eric andre (eric is the one under the table)

Just a normal day with the boys

Thievery

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Kate Aldrich (left, surrounded by women in white) as Fidès and John Osborn (center, looking like a Jesus doppelganger) as Jean de Leyde

Responses:

Hold up, is that Eggman above Jesus?

holy disco

Looks like Tannhäuser. Our lord and saviour Richard Wagner. Now I need to be saved from that.

catholicism

me defending pineapple on pizza (THANK YOU)

jesus but hes about to be abducted by the alien ufo above him

Emmmmmmm Heaven? Idk

Lord of the rings?

ewww christianity gross

"behold, I am Important"

"Seriously?? It's not ACTUALLY pyjama day? Fuck you guys!"

Jesus at the Disco

Jesus Finds The Molerat People Who Live Under Bethlehem

disco is heaven

Want to join my new religion?

the kkk

church christmas pageant where everyone's sober but it's based on the director's fever dream

Am I the only one who sees the giant demon? Just me? Okay...

“Oh god I think I’m starting my period”

A party is held with a priest in the middle

"Let's get this secret Vatican sex party rolling!"

The new avengers endgame set is looking great!!

You know, guys, I try not to be a bother but...I can’t help but feel like I missed a dress code memo for this wedding??? It’s cocktail, right??”

Jesus visits Hogwarts

I must really stink if no one will even come close to me

the extra ass funeral i DESERVE

star wars life day

A cult at it’s best-- closest

Shrek 5, Jesus is still there I guess

originally taken from: the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden’s 2013 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Les vêpres siciliennes, featuring Bryan Hymel (left, standing) as Henri, Lianna Haroutounian (center, kneeling in the black gown) as Duchess Hélène, and Erwin Schrott (kneeling to her right) as Jean Procida

Responses:

When the director’s like “great rehearsal guys, just a few notes before I let you go” but it’s already 9:13 and your mom’s waiting in the parking lot

loyalist of subjects

bow before your queen

They forgot to take down the stage boxes after the Vienna opera ball but the show must go on.

somebody forgot to book chairs for this funeral

Me sharing God’s (Hayley koyoko) word on the discord server

mass execution bc the oboe solo sucked ass-- closest

That’s too many black suits I can’t see shit

I can’t even tell what’s going on here

8th grade school assembly about how it's uncool to shit on the walls at school

let's all get fancy so we can go to the opera and sit on the stage (idk this one's hard lol)

"Yes i am a time traveller, now don't freak out"

Tfw you forget to pay your lighting bills

White guys make decisions that will benefit them and screw someone that’s not a white guy over-- OUCH but that is too real (although not really in context here)

dead man gives speech at his own funeral

brotus and the boys ??? last meeting before the stabbing

high society social function ends in mass murder-- right opera, wrong scene

Someone walks into the talent show stage with a dog

Black-dressed bitches worship a man.

Worst school assembly of all time

POV:You're the window in the classroom and someone said "its snowing"

When the conductor shows up fashionably late to the orchestra concert

That's what you get for choosing the cheapest ticket option, get back in the mud where you belong

?

theyre just trying to jump into a grave at a funeral leabe them alone this is normal

oh my god he really whipped his dick out in front of everyone, this is just like in 1776 guys, except some women are actually in the room this time,

A funeral, stop wearing so much black

I want to slap their bald heads like rice

originally taken from: the Teatro Real Madrid’s 2018 staging of Gaetano Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor, featuring Roberto Tagliavini (right) as Raimondo

Responses:

Crowd “haha!! Looks like someone missed the all-black memo!! Now it’s laugh-in-your-face time! / Guy on the floor (whispering to guy against wall): go, save yourself! I’ll hold them off...”

if i leave now i wont be a witness and can tell the police i had no idea

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Guy in the back pretends to help but is to far away to even know what’s going on.

priest walks in on beginning of an orgy, contemplated joining but is too scared-

when someone brings up capitalism but you’re just trying to play minecraft

lol lets trample this guy while the judge isnt looking

Again. Too many black costumes

Loved this Dostoevsky novel

i would know if opera directors were more creative with clothing choices ngl

me on parties lol

"imma just sneak out of here while everyone else is distracted"

"Where did he get this flooring!? Amazing!"

Everyone act normal!

The tell tale heart but they got REALLY drunk

man tposes to ward off vampires after being caught undercover

boys ???? night

the priest really shouldn't have visited the insane asylum-- closest

He’s FINE everyone’s been hit by a car before

Something happens in a room.

Perks of being a wallflower

There's always that one person in the fight whos trying not to get involved when they really wanna

Oh good, they’re all posing for a Rembrandt painting, I can just sneeeeaaak out the back here...

The gamer livestreaming Resident Evil + everyone watching the stream ? waiting for him to open the door just knowing it will trigger a chase scene

Quick!

the guy t posing in the back is regretting his every decision.-- also accurate

the us senate jumps ted cruz, some other wack ass gop senator is trying to sneak away

...I spoke too soon, however this is a James Bond mission

Queers help fellow queer do math but it's a struggle

[writerfromtheshore]

Gukko Force Night Mission

Gukko Force Night Mission

The jungles of Le-Wahi were dangerous, especially at night. There was always the threat of the fall from the trees, which could kill a Matoran unfortunate enough to slip from their perch. There was the marsh itself. If you fell into that, it would take more strength than that of a Great Pakari to get yourself out. There were also the plants, some of which were poisonous, and others which hankered for the taste of protodermis. And then there were the Rahi of the jungle— some wild on their own, some touched with madness from the evil Makuta. Any way you looked at it, the jungle region of Mata Nui was a hazardous place.

Kongu held tightly onto the reins of Ka as he flew through the night, each of these dangers on the forefront of his mind. The bird rode through the jungle with absolute glee as he led the Gukko Force toward their destination, gleeful for the chance to ride through the darkness. But as the Gukko flew with gleeful thoughts, Kongu glared forward, anxious about what could be between himself, the rest of the Force, and their mission. The roar of a Rahi beast could be heard in the distance, yet it was the quiet in the immediate area which made the Le-Matoran anxious.

Le-Koro was sick, many of the Matoran having fallen ill to a virus. The lethargy and illness the virus spread was felt especially in the Air village, a group of Matoran known for their vibrant personalities. The effects of it rippled throughout the village; Tuuli had not been out to trade for days, and no music had been heard from Sanso and his band in almost a week. Kongu felt rather run down himself, and had prayed to Mata Nui all week that he remained out of the virus’s infectious reach.

No one knew where the virus came from, but Turaga Matau insisted it was the work of the Makuta. Whether it came from Makuta or not, a cure needed to be found. Matau and his cohort, Turaga Nokama of Ga-Koro, had determined a handful of plants, when stewed together, that would produce a healing aroma. The last few days and nights had been spent retrieving the necessary ingredients. All that was left now was this last ingredient, a leaf which could only be found in the depths of Le-Wahi. The leaf glowed, and could only be discerned from other plantlife of the forest by night.

Kongu watched ahead of Ka’s beak, where he could see a glow emerging in the dark. The Le-Matoran breathed a sigh of relief as they drew closer, their goal finally within reach.

The six of them landed. Dismounting their birds, five of their number made their way to the plants, filling empty burlap sacs they had brought with the leaves. Vira hung back with the steeds, chirping at the birds in Turaga Nuju’s language of clicks and whistles. If Makuta’s beasts were out to get the Matoran while they were on their mission, they needed eyes keeping watch out for their safety.

“Does this look ripe?” asked Boreas.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kongu said. “Just grab-seize as much as you can.”

Boreas nodded, working as fast as he could.

They stuck in pairs as they ventured where the plant grew, snatching as much as they could.

To Kongu’s pleasure, he could already see new buds starting to form as they picked the plants.

Much of the flora on Mata Nui were like that. Kongu sensed that the rapid plant growth on the island was somewhat odd, even though he was not an expert on botany and knew life nowhere else.

“Either way, I cannot wait to breathe-smell whatever Turaga Matau and Nokama are going to concoct-brew with all of these ingredient-pieces,” said Boreas. “The air-smells of things they stir-make make my mask tingle with life-joy.”

“This will definitely help-cure our leaf brothers?” asked Shu.

“Have hope-faith,” Kongu replied. “The Turaga are doing what they think will work.”

They continued picking quietly, something hard for Le-Matoran to do. Soon the deed was done, with six burlap bags stuffed to the brim with the leaves.

“Bound-tie them to your saddles, and let’s go-leave,” Kongu said, mounting Ka once more. Tying his bundles to the bird, he readied for the signal from Vira that the Gukko could fly. “Vira, did you not see-find anything?”

Vira put his sickle away, having cleared a path for the birds to launch down. “Deep-jungle is safe-empty,” the marshall signaler nodded. “Prepare-ready for take off!”

Kongu nodded, looking at the darkness in the jungle beyond with almost a sense of relief. Perhaps Makuta and his forces were not out to get them tonight. With their packages secured, he felt far better than when they had set out tonight. Grabbing the reins of Ka, he nodded to Vira. The propulsers on the bird began to fire up, and Ka took off.

They had soared for only a few moments when Ka lurched to the side. Something big had collided with him. The bird screeched in panic. Kongu yanked sharply on the reins, hoping to straighten out, but whatever hung onto the Gukko would not shake off.

“Ka!” Kongu exclaimed. A screech that was not Ka’s made Kongu’s heart sink. As limbs flailed, Kongu could make out the shape of a Brakas monkey clinging to the side of his companion.

“Orkahm! Shu! Look out!” Kongu cried into the darkness behind him. “Visit-company! Of the funky monkey kind!”

Reaching into his pack, Kongu found a bamboo disc. He slung it, and it whacked the Rahi in the head, distracting it for a moment enough to stop clawing at Ka’s side. The Le-Matoran reached for another one, but the monkey leapt at Kongu, teeth and claws bared. Ka thrashed as he tried to stay aloft, suddenly supporting the weight of two instead of just Kongu.

Before he knew it, Kongu was wrestling with a monkey in midair. The Brakas threw a punch at Kongu’s mask, hoping to dislodge it. Kongu caught the punch, struggling to maintain his balance while resisting the Rahi’s strength. Staying in his saddle as best as he could, Kongu lashed out with his free arm to throw off the wild beast. The Brakas stayed, screeching in his face.

“Get far-lost, swamp-breath!” Kongu yelled at it. The Brakas screeched again. His eyes now having adjusted to the dark, Kongu could see the infected mask on the Rahi’s face. He could feel the rotting smell coming from the mouthpiece. The Le-Matoran retched at the stench. He threw a punch with one hand, fumbling with another to grab the reins.

Ka crashed blindly through the branches as the fight continued. The limbs of the trees knocked Kongu in the mask, the shoulders, the arms as they tumbled through them, headed in a direction the Le-Matoran knew not where.

The others would have helped Kongu, but were caught scraps of their own with more of the monkeys. Boreas lashed out with a knife at two Brakas on his mount, while Shu slung discs accompanied with roaring battle cries in response to the shriekers surrounding him. Orkahm tugged fiercely on his reins to try and outmaneuver the onslaught of Rahi, getting his Kewa to fly up and subject his attackers to the forces of gravity. Kongu was on his own for his fight.

And suddenly it was quiet again. The Brakas vanished, and the Gukko force were tumbling through open air. Ka twisted and turned as he tried to straighten out. Kongu tugged hard on the reins, the world whirling past him as they plummeted downward.

The world came up to meet Kongu, and suddenly all movement stopped.

“Unf!” he grunted. All Kongu could feel was the blunt force of the landing rock through his form. He lay there, the wind knocked out of him, and closed his eyes, letting the pain envelop him.

After what seemed like an hour, his eyes opened again. He could start to feel other things. Wet. Pointy. Muddy. Looking around, he realized he was in a marsh.

Sitting up in the mud, Kongu looked around. Little trees could be seen here and there, but most of the region out here was mostly marsh and mud. The Fau Swamp, he realized. It was still Le Wahi, but something else other than what the Le-Matoran traditionally considered their region. They did not necessarily enjoy the region, preferring the treetops where you could vine swing instead of walking. But in the full moon and clear sky that shined tonight, Kongu had to admit it was kind of beautiful out here.

A screech from afar brought Kongu back to his senses. The Brakas were still there, in the jungle not far away. They jeered at him from the darkness, like the cowards Brakas usually were. Tough-brave Matoran survive falls from the forest, Kongu thought. Silly-weak monkeys already screech when falling to another branch. Even with the Makuta controlling them, they are still cowards.

“Is anyone out there?” Kongu called. “Ork? Boreas? Shu?”

A hand came into his vision to pull Kongu to his feet, and he could see the mask of Vira. Beyond them, Ka and Vira’s Kahu bird were uprighting themselves, ruffling their wings.

“Hard-rough crash-landing for you as well?” the marshall asked. Kongu nodded, rubbing his back. He gave a few twists. Something popped, and suddenly his back felt better.

“Where are the others?”

“I spot see someone over there,” Vira pointed north, to where a Gukko was picking itself up out of the marshes. Kongu mirrored his statement, seeing another of their band to the west. Making their way over to each of their members, the Gukko Force slowly picked themselves up from their brush with the wild.

Taiki was the last to be found. They found him closer to the forest than everyone else. He was frantically digging at the mud, his bird pecking at the mud as it tried to help.

“Help!” Taiki cried as he saw them. A hand could be seen in the moonlight, sticking out from the mud. The five of them immediately joined in, scraping at the mud. The birds were not far behind, With a click and whistle from Vira, the Gukkos were pecking at the area with their beaks to loosen the mud for their riders.

“There is someone buried here! Trap buried!”

“But Taiki,” Kongu said. “We are all here. Who could be buried?”

Taiki stopped digging, looking at the masks around him. Everyone else slowed as well, a sense of dread coming over the group. The hand in the mud still stuck out, motionless.

“If we are all here…” he said, panic entering his voice. “Then who is buried?”

They all looked at the hand, and then at each other, anxiety running high through the group. Kongu swallowed hard, and strode over to grab the hand. He pulled, and was met with some resistance, but the mud broke, loosened by their digging.

The moonlight however, did not help the Matoran as they looked at the figure.

It was a Matoran, but at the same time, it was not. Short, wearing dark armor, if just with a different body type, the figure strongly resembled the Gukko Force members standing around it.

But there were things off about the body. It was swollen with water, and partially rotted. But the amount of armor, the tissue sticking out. The ratio of mechanical to organic parts. None of it was right. The thing looked like a Matoran, but there was a lot of evidence to suggest it was not. And from what Kongu felt, it felt nothing like the bodies of Matoran. As if the person was made of something totally else from protodermis.

But the most distinguishable feature that made them certain it was not a Matoran was its mask.

“What make-kind of Kanohi is that?” asked Orkahm.

“That is not a Kanohi,” Shu insisted.

Could it even be a Kanohi? Kongu wondered. Kanohi usually attached to the front of a Matoran’s or Turaga’s face. Perhaps helmet was a better term. This sat on the corpse’s head more like a helmet than like a mask. Three prongs protruded from the back of it, almost snake like in appearance. The mask— if you could call it that— resembled flower and bamboo decorations which the Le-Matoran would adorn on their own Kanohi during one of Matau’s parties, in mock resemblance of a warrior costume.

This helmet was metal, however, and definitely not for decoration.

“What is this? Some sort of alien?” asked Vira.

“It has to be a mutant,” Boreas said.

“What if…” Orkahm said. “What if something lived on Mata Nui before us?”

“No,” Kongu insisted, dismissing Orkahm’s comment. “This has to be some sort of mutated Matoran.”

Any more guesses on the corpse’s identity were interrupted by a scream in the night. The Le-Matoran whirled to see the Brakas monkeys coming from afar, leaping across the marsh toward them. Each of the Le Matoran scrambled for their packs, whipping out discs and preparing themselves for combat. Vira whistled to Ka and the other Kewa and Kahu, which fluttered their wings in response.

“See-look over there!” Orkahm cried. In the moonlight, there could be seen the Brakas scrambling toward the smaller Matoran— but also to the left, there was a single, larger shadow breaking the horizon. A large, tiger like animal could be seen leaping over the marshes, making a beeline for the loud and brash animals that more than likely interrupted its sleep.

“Muaka cat-tiger!” Boreas exclaimed.

The Brakas were so consumed with the Matoran almost in their grasp that they did not see the Muaka before it was too late. It pounced into their group, immediately breaking their formation.  A number of the smaller monkeys were scooped up into the tiger-like creature’s jaws. The rest of them were swept aside by the Muaka’s claws, scattered on the marsh just as the Gukko Force had been minutes earlier. Growls and roars emitted from the Muaka rolled over the marshes as the beast reveled in the night’s victory.

“Mount-climb your steeds,” demanded Kongu. “Let’s fly leave of here before we are battle fighting that Rahi. Those are just quick snacks for that tiger.”

“What about the body?” Orkahm asked. Kongu looked at each of them.

“Whoever… whatever that is,” Kongu said. “it has been here without anyone’s concern for a while. I will discuss with Turaga Matau, but we cannot take it home tonight.”

“At least take it’s mask,” Shu insisted. Kongu frowned, but complied.

They arrived back at Le-Koro in the early hours of the morning, greeted only by the night folk that guarded the village during sleep hours.

Kongu approached the door of Turaga Matau’s hut, where a small light shined into the night. The rest of the Force had retreated to their huts to join the sleeping village. Only he remained awake in order to deliver the night’s bounty. He felt awfully tired as he knocked, more tired than he had felt in a number of nights. This was not sickness, he knew that much— this was the night catching up to him.

The Turaga was apparently still up, for Mata Nui only knew what reason. A small grin was on the noble Mahiki at the sight of one of Matau’s favorite villagers, eager for the night’s tale.

“High Flyer, welcome,” Matau said, “What adventures did you have tonight?”

The Matoran handed over the bags of leaves, putting the helmet on top of the pile.

“Turaga, what kind of Kanohi is that?”

[mytholora]

do you hear my heart beating

Fandom: Mamamoo

Rated: T

Pairings: Moonsun

Characters: Solar, Moonbyul, Wheein, Hwasa

Summary: Yongsun knows she’s an idiot but she’d thought herself to be an idiot with good ideas.

Yongsun knows she’s an idiot but she’d thought herself to be an idiot with good ideas.

They’re in a seedy club at some inhumane hour of the morning. Byulyi has somehow managed to convince her to go even though she’s got a paper due tomorrow and hasn’t washed her hair in 3 days.

“ISN’T THIS AMAZING?” Byulyi yells over the crowd of people wildly bumping their bodies into each other and the blaring music. It’s humid. Yongsun’s sure she’s stepped on something gross. At least 2 people have tried grinding on her, she doesn’t know. What she does know is that Byulyi’s holding her hand tight and she’s about to spontaneously combust.

“It’s really loud in here!”

“WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Byul makes a pained face at her, stretching back to hear her better.

“WHAT Oh—never mind.” Yongsun sighs, realising that no matter how loud she shouts, Byulyi can’t hear her over the loud music. How is she supposed to flirt with Byulyi if they can’t even hear each other? Another body falls on her and Yongsun is this close to biting someone’s ear off. She grunts under the weight of a clearly inebriated body and struggles to push him back on his feet. Of course this fucking caveman has to fall on me, of all the people in this hellcave.

Suddenly, Byulyi appears in front of her and pushes the man off her.

“Hey, watch where you’re falling, asshole!” Byulyi snarls, anger flaring in her eyes, arms holding Yongsun closely, tightly, and Yongsun feels her face heat up as she presses herself closer to Byulyi’s frame.

“Thanks, bodyguard,” Yongsun breathes out.

“WHAT?”

“I said thanks!”

“WHAT?”

“Forget it!”

“...WHAT?”

“LET’S JUST GO!”

“I can’t hear you, let’s just go!” Byulyi pulls her arm to signal her to start moving and they start wading through the swamp of people once more. A light bulb flickers to life above Yongsun’s head instantly. They can barely hear themselves in the noise, much less each other. It’s an opportunity falling on her lap and Yongsun’s damned if she won’t take it.

She clears her throat. “Your hands really turn me on.”

Byulyi doesn’t even turn around to look at her, just keeps pushing forward through the crowd. Yongsun bites back laughter and squeezes Byulyi’s hand. She turns around at that, tilting her head in slight confusion, face sporting a grin. Yongsun shakes her head and they continue moving as glee at the prospect of what she can do in her current situation fills her up.

Walking deeper in still, the club gets louder and darker even though Yongsun didn’t think it was possible mere minutes ago.

“Hey, hot ass lady holding my hand,” Yongsun tries. “Could we go get some drinks before hitting the dance floor?” No reaction.

“You sexy beast. Hold me tight. Grab my tiddies and drag me into a kiss.”

Nothing. If Byulyi can hear her, she doesn’t show any indication that she does.

It’s even better than I thought, Yongsun thinks incredulously. She gives a tug to the hand that’s holding hers.

“Can we get a drink first?” She asks in her normal voice, not even trying to compete against the noise. Byulyi frowns and leans closer, lips forming a ‘what’. Yongsun smiles and gestures towards what distinctly looks like a bar and tilts her head back to mimic the act of drinking. Byulyi perks up, nods, and they head off to a new destination.

It’s a little quieter at the bar, the air still shaking with heavy bass, but Yongsun can actually hear her own thoughts now. A familiar beautiful woman with a smouldering gaze is already waiting for them at the bar, an eyebrow raised, and Yongsun fights back a blush when the woman glances between Byulyi and herself as they walk towards her.

“Surprise!” Byulyi yells and almost leaps across the counter to wrap the woman in a hug.

“How did you manage to find me? I barely started working, like, two days ago!” Hyejin laughs, arms going around to return the hug before pulling Yongsun into another smothering one.

“I have my sources!” Byulyi says and Hyejin rolls her eyes.

“Wheein! Of course.”

“Where is she anyway? She owes me 15 bucks!” Hyejin motions to somewhere behind her and not even a moment later, a young dimpled girl appears beside Hyejin and squeals, dragging all four of them into a group huddle.

“HELL YEAH! The gang’s back together for a night of booze and bad decisions!” She jumps around excitedly and Yongsun feels her heart melt at the sight. She glances at Hyejin and Byulyi and she’s sure she’s not the only one. They are all soft for Wheein and her bubbly energy.

“Making bad decisions won’t be a problem with how fucking LOUD this place is! Are the speakers busted or something?” Yongsun winces as the music somehow gets louder than before, a remix of some top 10 EDM song reverberating in her skull.

“We don’t really know why but the other bartenders tell us it’s the DJ! He always plays the music this loud just cuz it ‘sets him in the mood’!” Wheein explains and Byulyi rolls her eyes.

“What an asshole.”

“Right?! Most of the DJs we’ve met here are really nice but he’s the only one that’s a big meanie! Just earlier tonight he…” Wheein launches into a story and Byulyi listens attentively, straining her neck forward to pick up on Wheein’s excited chatter. Hyejin quickly fills up two mugs with some cheap beer for them and is off to respond to a customer calling for her. Byulyi sends a wink her way as thanks before focusing her attention back onto Wheein and her flailing arms.

Yongsun adores that part of Byulyi that is so attentive and pays attention to details. The one that tries her best to be inclusive. The one with so much kindness and care in her heart. It was a quality that attracted so many of her friends to her and helped her to easily make more.

“I love you so much,” Yongsun stares at Byulyi and the words slip out before she can stop it. A spike of anxiety stabs her before realising that it is too loud for anyone to pick up what she’s saying. “That jacket looks great around you but you know what would look better? Me.”

Byulyi doesn't react. She’s still listening attentively to Wheein’s enthusiastic storytelling. It’s a chance she can’t miss.

“You funky lesbian, why the fuck are you so perfect, huh? Wanna fight? Wanna sit on my face? I dare you. I’m so in love with you. I’m not even joking. I would lay my life down for you like a knight for her queen, except like, I don’t wanna die, so maybe not. I’d fight a man for you, though. I’d choke all the men in the world for you. Fuck, you look so good. Marry me.”

Yongsun is on a roll, spitting out cheesy compliments and flirty pick-up lines. She says it to no-one in particular, keeping her eyes on the hyper duo next to her as she nurses her drink in one hand.

That is, until she realises her phone has been incessantly buzzing in her pocket. It’s enough to get her to take it out and look through her notifications.

Hyegi: oi

Hyegi: im on the other side

Hyegi: bitch dont ignore me look here

Hyegi: are u talking to yourself or smth wat the fuck

Hyegi: who you talking to

Hyegi: oh my god

Hyegi: SKJSHDSJFH

Hyegi: omg u hopeless gay

Hyegi: sit on your face???

Hyegi: yong pls

Hyegi: pls do not start fighting here i dont wanna be fired

Hyegi: im begging you pls stop

Hyegi: o fuk that’s so NSFW im gagging

Hyegi: bicth

Hyegi: thicc byulssy???? UVE GONE TOO FAR

Hyegi: HELLO!! LOOK HERE ASSHOLE!!!

Yongsun is absolutely mortified. Her eyes quickly dart to where Hyejin is leaning against the counter a few metres away, smoothly typing away on her phone, as if she didn’t just ruin Yongsun’s entire night in a few texts. Hyejin glances up to look at her and smirks. Yongsun's fight or flight response is fully activated and screaming at her to somehow knock Hyejin unconscious and make her lose all memory of tonight.

Yong: FUCK

Yong: dkjfhsljdfh

Yong: what the fuck

Hyegi: calm down

Yong: im gonna fukcking

Yong: what the FUCK

Hyegi: CHILL i wont tell

Yong: i will die on the spot if you do

Hyegi: please dont

Yong: DIE you hear me

Hyegi: I WONT I SWEAR

Yong: this whole time

Yong: how

Yong: did you bug me with a mic

Hyegi: what?? no i can lip read

Yong: how? since when??? what the fuck

Hyegi: took a course back in college

Yong: why

Hyegi: i wanted to be a spy

Yong: uh

Yong: ok

Yong: anyway pls dont spill

Hyegi: chillax i wont. I got u babe

Yong: thanks ily

Hyegi: ily too

Hyegi: also u are one giant horndog u know that?? fuckin intense!!

Yong: and what about it? she’s hot. im hot. we’re perfect for each other

Hyegi: LMAO right so why u seducing thin air

Yong: im just

Yong: building up my offense u know

Yong: training to fight fire with fire

Hyegi: by talking to the air

Yong: im TRAINING u fool

Yong: im like zuko and she’s azula because im gonna take her down

Yong: except we’re not siblings and i wanna date her

Hyegi: fuck u dont ruin that show for me

Yong: im not supporting incense im just saying they were both hot

Hyegi: incense im its incest u illiterate

Hyegi: ok look if i give u another drink on the house will u PLEASE shut the fuck up

Yong: a nicer one please

Yong: thanks

Yong: also zutara should have been endgame

Hyegi: dont test me because i will throw this drink in ur face

Yongsun laughs and looks up only to see Wheein gone and Byulyi staring at her and smiling. She feels her heart jump out her chest and tries to not let it show. She raises an eyebrow and Byulyi shakes her head and takes another swig of her now finished beer. Hyejin walks up to them with Yongsun’s drink on the house.

“Hey, how come she gets another one?!” Byulyi pouts, shifting closer to Yongsun and her new drink.

“What can I say? I’m a natural charmer!” Yongsun shrugs, a teasing lilt in her voice, which makes Byulyi pout even more. Hyejin rolls her eyes and walks away. Yongsun realises that it’s just her and Byulyi now. She clears her throat uncomfortably, unprepared to face Byulyi one-on-one, despite all the ‘training’ she’s undergone.

“Holy shit, I love this song! For a shitty DJ, he’s got pretty good taste in music!” Byulyi perks up. She gets off her chair and sways to the song now playing through the speakers. Yongsun watches awkwardly as Byulyi dances without a care in front of her.

She thinks she’s disassociating. In another dimension.

Byulyi? Sexy dancing in front of her as she sits and watches? Not even trying to escape? Absolutely unheard of.

She’d already be running for the hills on a normal day.

I’m too fucking gay for this shit. Is this happening? Is this really happening? What the fuck.

Yongsun doesn’t budge an inch on her seat, doesn’t even grab her drink. Her eyes watch Byulyi intensely, expression unchanging as the younger girl dances without a care in the world, unaware of the quickly deteriorating mess that is Yongsun’s sanity. Byulyi’s eyes lock with hers and she feels something important escape her body.

Her phone buzzes again and again and Yongsun forces herself to tear her eyes away from the spectacle that is Byulyi and respond to it.

Hyegi: u lesbian

Hyegi: SHUT UP ur sex eyes are so obvious

Hyegi: U look like u are one blink away from pushing her down!! Fuck

Hyegi: i cant deal with this

Hyegi: remember to use protection xoxo hwasa

Yongsun rolls her eyes. Her phone buzzes again. What now?

---

Wheenie: byul-unnie

Wheeinie: i got him to play the song u wanted

Wheeinie: r u sure dis will work

Wheeinie: make sure u do wat we discussed

Wheeinie: unnie u luk v intense

Wheeinie: ya work those sexy moves

Wheein: sway ur hips more!! bat ur eyes!!

Wheeinie: she looks turned on as fUK keep doing it

Wheeinie: lmao she’s looking here?? move closer

Wheeinie: get more in her face!! blast ur hormones! show her ur willing and ready!!!

Wheeinie: wait

Wheeinie: OH FUCK

from this shitpost of mine

after more than a year here i am...... my measly attempt at comedy..

comments r appreciated and criticism even more so because i get turned on by both

[crystalkitty33]

i really wanna create a blog where it’s just me. being a little creacher. a bog beast. a marsh monster. a fen fellow. a swamp specimen. a funky lil thing running a funky lil blog

[tessatechaitea]

Swamp Thing Annual #7: The Children’s Crusade

Tefé meets Jimmy Savile.

I don't know why this comic book isn't with all of the other Children's Crusade comic books. I guess I'm terrible at organizing my comic books (I say as if it's a debatable opinion while two stacks of random comic books sit on the book shelf next to a comic book short box empty of all but envelopes and bills to be shredded). So now this comic book won't make much sense and when I finally find the box with my other Children's Crusade comic books, I'll have forgotten this story and will become confused by the missing chapter. I'm a little bit upset about this. But I won't be upset for long because earlier I noticed I have some Kid Eternity comic books in this stack and guess who wrote Kid Eternity? Ann Nocenti! Holy shit, I can't wait to read that oubliette full of earnest confusion. This is the exact middle chapter of the story. But I don't think I'll be too confused because I remember how the Dead Boy Detectives were searching for the Free Country where all the endangered and abused children wind up. It was easy to remember that once I read "The Story So Far..." bit at the beginning. Tefé has found herself alone in the swamp because Swamp Thing and Lady Jane and Abby Arcane are all on adventures. Unless they're dead. I wasn't reading Swamp Thing back then. I don't think I ever read Swamp Thing. I know! I'm like the greatest comic book reviewer on the Internet and I've never read Alan Moore's "The Anatomy Lesson." It's possible that in another blog post somewhere in my thousands of blog posts I pretended that I read it. But that would probably have been early on when I was worried that people wouldn't take me seriously if I started announcing having not read a bunch of the landmark comic book series. I also never read that Green Arrow where Speedy was caught sucking dick for heroin. And I never read Miller's Daredevil or Batman: Year One. Also I never read any major Marvel moment prior to the late 90s. Unless Wolverine and Kitty Pryde was one of those titles. My friend Philip Newby had the limited series scattered all over his living room floor and I scrounged them all up and read them. It should go without saying that I don't remember them. I'm like that. Why should I remember the genius things I read when I can't even remember all of the genius things I write?! Puck arrives to take Tefé to the Free Country because he's a nice guy who only wants the best for all the children of the world. Roland and Paine, the Dead Boy Detectives, arrive moments too late to follow them. Looks like they'll have to try following Dorothy Spinner over in the Doom Patrol annual. Speaking of Dorothy Spinner, I can't wait until the second season of DC Universe's Doom Patrol! Bring on the Candlemaker!

Seems like a decent place, housing kids from the Holocaust, kids working out of coal mines, kids being sexually abused. Why then am I so suspicious of it?!

Like most annuals and stories about children, this tale has bored the ever-living joy out of me. Hopefully nobody is reading this and just thought, "Oh yeah? Cry me a river! I just got diagnosed with cancer!" Because then I'd have to admit that I care more about my level of boredom than somebody else's life and death situation. The washed-out kid with Mark Buckingham face explains how Free Country began during the Crusades which isn't surprising because the entire idea of the Crusades should have been enough to cancel Catholicism. I tend to get annoyed with people who infantilize homo sapiens from hundreds or thousands of years in the past, as if our ability to understand the world around us only kicked off some time around the Industrial Revolution. But then I think about some of the atrocious things people did in the name of religion and I think maybe those people should be seen as less formed than modern people. But then I also think about how beautiful works of Gothic architecture were created by these people and I reach this conclusion: homo sapiens have always had the potential to create great and beautiful works while simultaneously having the potential for great cruelty fueled by greed, selfishness, and paranoia. It is only the coming together of those two things that could have built Notre-Dame. At least the cruelty toward "lesser" men was focused to create something beautiful in the cases of cathedrals whereas sometimes the cruelty was as simply front facing as sending as many people as possible to die in a foreign land for nearly no other reason than to kill as many different people as they could who already lived there. And then I remember that modern homo sapiens aren't really any different but when is the last time we built a fucking magnificent cathedral?! Oh, sure, we sent people to the moon! But I can't visit the moon while simultaneously being scolded by a German or French priest to remove my Goddamned hat.

This spoon sent me down a YouTube rabbit hole beginning at the opening theme to Vegetable Soup (because it had a funky cartoon spoon as host) and ended at The Banana Splits credits where I learned in the comment section that in 2019 there was a Banana Splits horror movie. Now I'm mad at everybody I know for not telling me about this.

Tefé and Maxine go on some mini-Lord of the Rings journey to destroy some goblin and save Free Country. They use their powers over vegetables and animals to save the day and everybody cheers. I don't know why Free Country, a safe haven for children, also includes an evil land full of evil Gobble-You-Ups. I guess you need some sort of conflict to distract the child populace from whatever true evil is going on in this place. The leaders of Free Country probably drink children's blood to survive. It turns out it was all a game and then Tefé almost dies because she's been away from the Green too long. The kids reluctantly send her back home so that she doesn't die but Maxine decides to stay so she can have an adventure with Dorothy Spinner. Swamp Thing Annual #7: The Children's Crusade Rating: I don't rate annuals. If I have rated an annual in the past, it was a mistake and/or a hallucination. Also there's a second story after the first one that I haven't read yet because I forgot about it. And since I've already stopped this review with the ratings paragraph, I will not be discussing it even if it has street walking flowers in pumps and bell bottom jeans wearing flower Johns and ends with Flower Superbaby being sent into space. Also there is a third story that I didn't forget about because I just realized it exists. It's a retelling of The Beauty and the Beast. Speaking of The Beauty and the Beast, I was recently told that Gaston in the live action Beauty and the Beast was gay and my reaction was, "So he wanted Belle as a beard?" And the answer was, "Yes. That is the plot." And now I can't bare to watch it because if that isn't true, I will be devastated.

[claudsville]

The songs are slick, tight and readying for the studio session.  If you haven’t yet experienced the pleasure of watching Strange Currencies…A band on the verge of not being ignored :-0… they present to you a pleasantly surprisingly good mix of rock, funk and blues original music ditties. Give a like Facebook  

The summer heatwave is in its full sweaty, sweary Mary, sloth like day slumbers, after ‘no proper sleep’ at night shenanigans. We endured ‘The Beast From The East’ which gifted many with snow, chaos and commuter Hell. These are the sweltering times of unbearable armpits, Velcro sticky thighs, sunburn, dead lawns, sugar tax, frayed tempers, food banks and flat screen TV’s, sweaty underboobage for the ladies and for the blokes…let us say:

When a biscuity bollocks combination of digestives and overbearing aroma of supermarket fish counter on a bad day, mated, had kids, partied with maggots… then festered in wheelie bin with tins of opened dog meat. Were later found in a stagnant swamp with a very used rehearsal studio velvet padded drum stool. That stench then sits next to you on an empty bus, when you have a really bad hangover. This is the aftermath and endurance battle of heatwave Britain. We don’t have home air con and are not used to this deserted humidity, aka mugginess. There is little escape, bar a wet flannel and noisy fan in ones bedroom.

So before the dog days end, with swarming ‘bastard’ wasps, ineffective insect repellent, screams, sweat stinging eyes, rhubarb cider… the music began…

The band played 2 gigs, 2 counties on Saturday the 4th August. With some seriously good musical instrumentation from Steve Canner (Bass) Andrew Death (Guitar) Claudine West (Drums, Mandolin) Robert ‘Too Tall’ Batchelor (Harmonica and charm) complemented by the sonorous vocals of PP Johnson.

An intimate and loud afternoon set with not a sniff of a cover version in sight. The Brandy Wharf Festival happened by the river Ancholme ‘in the shadow of the Lincolnshire Wolds.’ It’s in its infancy and run by The Black Market venue team. Thank you for all of your hospitality, refreshments and Chilli.

PP Johnson

Steve Canner & Robert ‘Too Tall’ Batchelor

Andrew Death

  Strange Currencies perform ‘Stranger Things‘ at Brandy Wharf Festival 2018.

Then we scurried back to Nottingham to Annie’s Burger Shack for an evening set. (Thanks for the beer and Delta burgers too! Cheers Annie! Much appreciated.)

Unfortunately we missed watching and VERY not participating in the DEATHRAY CHALLENGE!

https://www.nottinghampost.com/news/nottingham-news/winners-annies-burger-shack-challenge-1862612

Annie

Annie’s Burger Shack

Robert ‘Too Tall’ Batchelor in a Too Tall deck chair!

Wait for it…..

ENJOY! ‘Mrs Slocombe’s Pussy‘ Annie’s Burger Shack Seaside Party. (With a really inappropriate YouTube automatic thumbnail)

The funky and single from our forthcoming album: ‘From The Floor‘ featuring Mr Andrew Death on guitar.

Music Links

https://strangecu.wordpress.com/links/

      1 Day. 2 Gigs. 2 Counties The songs are slick, tight and readying for the studio session.  If you haven't yet experienced the pleasure of watching Strange Currencies...A band on the verge of not being ignored :-0...

[storytelleratheart]

Dark Heresy Part One: Of Raids and a Maid

So imagine you’re Throne Agent Vincentus, you’re given the job to organise a raid on a Nobleman’s estate on the Imperial World of Scintilla, that’s easy enough, the Inquisition does this sort of thing all the time. You commandeer the local Armed Forces with a wave of your Inquisitorial Badge, you have aircraft, dozens and dozens of men at your fingertips, hundreds or thousands if you want them, tanks and artillery too if you think it’s absolutely necessary. That’s all well and good.

Noble Estates are basically lavish mini fortresses, they have private armies who are often individually better equipped than the local army, although they lack the might of your newly acquired aircraft and tanks, they do have some big walls and automated defences to hide behind.

It’s going to be bloody, but the outcome is inevitable, they don’t know you’re coming. No one expects the Inquisition.

But then there’s a strange twist of fate and your boss throws some untried Inquisitorial agents- acolytes in your lap and tells you they’re here to do the most important job of all, face down the nobleman and bring him to justice if he has anything heretical on his person or possession.

Now you have a problem. You were going to send in a couple of squads of veterans, inserted by the Imperial Navy’s finest and most ubiquitous VTOL craft called ‘Valkyries’. Now you have to send in an untested rabble, you don’t know what kind of training they’ve been given, they don’t know each other and they certainly don’t work as a team.

Although it could have been worse you suppose… Two of them in particular have some real combat experience, the Arbitrator Dwayne is a bit odd, but he’s built like he’s been carved out of chiselled stone, and Red was a guardswoman who performed well enough to get the Inquisitions attention.

But the other two, they’re savages. Jebediah makes no effort to hide his feral world ways, he wears only a loin cloth and an armoured poncho which constantly gets blown around by the wind to reveal… his loin cloth also being blown around giving you full view of something you’d wished you’d never seen. Also he makes no secret of the fact he uses this thing called ‘voodoo’ which must be heretical (and thereby illegal) in so many ways, carries around human knucklebones and most certainly EATS PEOPLE. What the fuck?! Where did they even find this guy? From what swamp was he dragged out of?

And that other girl, Malice? She’s not much better, sure this blonde is pretty in a waifish way, but that’s not exactly a useful trait in this line of work. She’s taken some effort to disguise the stink of a swamp dwelling feral worlder, using some kind of ‘handywoman/plumber’ disguise that isn’t all that believable… she still carries a spear and a fucking chainsword around after all.

But your boss is adamant, these guys are the tip of the spear. So you have to send them in.

Hopefully the more useful looking ones survive and the others don’t.

So with a sigh you attach them to the mission and try not to look into the eyes of the officers you’ve requisitioned and mumble something about this mess up ‘coming down from the top’.

 So the mission starts off with a resounding series of explosions, aircraft strafe the compound, dodging ground fire and responding with much greater effect.

There are no parachutes on this planet, the locals use the more technologically advanced grav-chute, however no one thought to ask if the acolytes (particularly the feral worlders) knew how to use them or not.

So untrained, they leap from their transport as soon as they are given the green light.

Unsurprisingly they tumble and flail a little as they fall. Fortunately they manage to fall in the general direction of their target, the compounds chapel.

Malice manages to right herself and gracefully swan dives through an ancient stained glass window depicting the Emperor and his holy saints before landing like a cat in the middle of the chapel, which is closer in size to a modest cathedral.

The rest of them tumble ungracefully to the floor in a great heap.

Go team.

The chapel was guarded by a bunch of nondescript guys in the uniforms of the noble family’s personal guard. So naturally a fight breaks out and despite being the only one on her feet, Malice fails to accomplish anything with either her spear, chainsword or that rifle that no one ever seems to notice her carrying.

Red, after clambering to her feet manages to massacre most of the guards with her sword and pistol while everyone else looks on in bewilderment.

With the chapel in bloody ruin our heroes decide to press on to their objective. Problem is the only exit to the chapel leads to a corridor that, thanks to their air support’s successful bombing campaign is now thoroughly on fire.

Taking deep breaths and the odd prayer the group dive through the flames and eventually come out safely on the other side.

There they find a servant trying to drag a wardrobe out of the fire. Dwayne being the master interrogator he is, decides to inquire as to why the man is trying to save the wardrobe out of everything else that could potentially catch fire in the immediate area, and what was inside it.

The man responds ‘Sally.’

Dwayne found this answer unsatisfying, decided the man was impeding an investigation and using his status as an Arbitrator, donned his role of judge, jury and executioner, skipped the first two and executed the man on the spot with a shotgun blast to the face.

Heroic I know.

Upon opening the wardrobe the party discovers a young maid named Sally, who they promptly drag along with them for basically no reason. I mean why not? Dwayne gave her a gun, she’ll be fine, might even prove useful!

Another ragged bunch of Household guards try to bar their way as the party makes its way towards a large dome like structure in the compound, believed to be home to the nobleman’s private menagerie, and the last place he was sighted heading towards in all the confusion.

The Household guards barely last long enough to be worth mentioning and the party arrives at the menagerie dome. Inside the dome, nothing is on fire and it all looks like they have suddenly teleported to Jebediah’s home planet, thick jungle all around, filled with funky plants that look well and truly alien.

And not too far up on a small hill, the overweight nobleman they’re hunting down. It’s at this moment the whole party find undeniable proof that he’s a heretic. One of his arms has clearly been tainted by something… inhuman, it’s enormous and unlike the rest of his bloated body, it’s corded with thick bands of unnatural muscle, it also has this unnerving iridescent colour to it and looks strangely avian in appearance. The nobleman spots the party immediately, reaches out with this monstrosity of a hand and hurls a blast of unnatural fire towards them. That’s heresy!

So here’s where things stand according to standard procedure: at best, he’s a rogue mutant psyker and needs to be executed for heresy. Or he’s done something unthinkable, made a pact with a daemon. And he needs to be executed for heresy. Either way, the only alternative at this point to killing him is to retreat to orbit and ‘nuke the whole planet’. The Inquisition does not like half measures after all.

But this brave, foolhardy party who have no concept of what a daemon is (besides perhaps Jebediah, as daemons plague the realm which is also the source of his powers), so they engage the target with gusto.

Thanks to the advice of the feral worlders, the party avoid running straight into the jaws of any man eating plants in the menagerie, but still run afoul of two slavering beasts that look like a mad scientists somewhat successful attempt to cross a hyena with a crocodile.

Malice guns one of the beasts down and finally feels like she’s contributing to the party; Red, Dwayne and surprisingly Sally take down the other one as Jebediah exchanges volleys of psychic energies with the nobleman and his heretical arm.

With the two beasts down everyone turns around to gang up on the nobleman, who despite his magic arm turns out to just be a fat rich man with no real training, and wasn’t wearing any armour. He goes down surprisingly easy, although his magical fire does scald Jebediah’s flesh a little bit more than the witch doctor would like.

The team calls in to let Vincentus know the job is done, rather than be impressed, Vincentus is disappointed it took them this long to kill one fat man in a zoo. Vincentus gives them the task of sifting through the nobleman’s belongings while Vincentus himself takes a shuttle to the surface of the planet to recover the remains of the nobleman with the ‘heretical arm’ as Dwayne put it.

By now the Household guard have been dispatched, the legions of servants are being rounded up for questioning (bar Sally, who follows the party around like a puppy with a serious case of PTSD), so the party has free reign to go and pilfer the nobleman’s things for any clues as to where he got his horrifying arm.

In the noble’s personal stash they find a couple of very expensive things, like a gun no one knows how to use with one bullet, a suit of armour made from potentially heretical animal hides and a very nice sword.

Strangely the party only takes the sword as right this moment, Red decides she wants to fight with a blade in both hands and vows to learn the art of duel wielding swords. In all likelihood if they had taken everything they may have gotten in trouble with their boss, or Dwayne who insisted they should disturb the crime scene as little as possible as if a murder had taken place in the drawing room (perhaps it did, but there’s no law against noblemen killing people in the 41st millennium, unless it is a murder of heretical nature of course).

Instead the party takes some time to go through the nobleman’s journals in case he, like every NPC from a Bethesda game decided to write every nefarious thing he had ever done down in a journal literally anyone could have found.

Considering this is an RPG it’s not that surprising he did do just that. Although he may have been supposed to confess his crimes when the party faced him down… he ended up losing his head in quite a literal fashion instead of being restrained.

Malice, being unable to read, unsurprisingly found little more than the odd drawing in the journals. But only told her team mates she couldn’t read after they were done searching through the evidence, so who knows what heretical plots could have been prevented with the knowledge in the tomes she sifted through…

Regardless the party now had a new destination, the fat nobleman had stated in some of his more recent journals that he had visited this place called the Haematite Cathedral, on a nearby planet. So naturally the party brings this evidence in for Vincentus to look through and tell him all they’ve learned.

Vincentus, presumably unhappy that they all made it through the raid without anything more than a light scalding, organises for them to go to the planet upon which the Haematite Cathedral was built before even reading a single bit of evidence he was presented with. He’ll go over it later, when he’s not surrounded by the stink of Feral Worlder.

Looks like it’s time for a road trip!

 https://storytelleratheart.tumblr.com/post/158383891355/i-said-i-would-do-this-so-i-will (Dramatis Persona)

Part One: Of Raids and Maids (You are Here)