#fuckin LOOKS at you 👁👁

[see-arcane]

Barking Harker Cast Snapshot 11: Detours

Let me add a word or two about that quaint Baron Vordenburg, to whose curious lore we were indebted for the discovery of the Countess Mircalla’s grave. He had taken up his abode in Gratz, where, living upon a mere pittance, which was all that remained to him of the once princely estates of his family, in Upper Styria, he devoted himself to the minute and laborious investigation of the marvelously authenticated tradition of Vampirism. He had at his fingers’ ends all the great and little works upon the subject. “Magia Posthuma,” “Phlegon de Mirabilibus,” “Augustinus de cura pro Mortuis,” “Philosophicae et Christianae Cogitationes de Vampiris,” by John Christofer Herenberg; and a thousand others, among which I remember only a few of those which he lent to my father. —Laura, Carmilla 

“I have studied, over and over again since they came into my hands, all the papers relating to this monster, and the more I have studied, the greater seems the necessity to utterly stamp him out. All through there are signs of his advance. Not only of his power, but of his knowledge of it. As I learned from the researches of my friend Arminius of Buda-Pesth, he was in life a most wonderful man. Soldier, statesman, and alchemist. Which latter was the highest development of the science knowledge of his time. He had a mighty brain, a learning beyond compare, and a heart that knew no fear and no remorse. He dared even to attend the Scholomance, and there was no branch of knowledge of his time that he did not essay.” —Abraham Van Helsing, Dracula

Behold two men of letters.

Letters written. Letters burned.

Lessons taught. Lessons learned.

Both are far older than they look.

Both have grown adept at telling the right kind of tale to soothe an audience into believing otherwise. Ancestors invented. A lineage of sons all bearing the same name. Never mind, friends, never mind. Who wants to hear a story of old? Of all the men who were not me, but saw and did such bloody works?

Both have a vision.

Though only one of the two has Vision. A useful gift. Knowledge always is, so long as proper action can follow. And the proper action must follow. It has to.

(England is the least of what he’s after. Please. It will all bleed.)

More details about Barking Harker here.

[bohemianblasphemy]

Butcher fucking you after he's had a hard day... 👁👁

good morning!!! back at it again with more butcher, i hope you enjoy. 🥰✨

the door slams and heavy boots storm into the living space of your shared apartment. the sudden sounds shocking you, causing you to shoot up off the couch to investigate. Billy is home, and he’s not happy. “baby what’s happened are you ok-“ you are cut off by butcher pulling you into him, sealing your lips with his. the kiss is rough and sloppy, his tongue slipping into your mouth. his hands reach your head, tangling his thick fingers in your hair before resting on the back of your neck. he pulls away to breathe, before whispering “get your ass on the bed, i need you…”

you don’t hesitate, having been thinking about him all day. you race to the bed, clothing quickly dispersed around the bedroom floor. sitting on the bed, waiting for him to walk in after you. you can hear his heavy boots on the floor coming nearer and nearer to the room and his large figure appears. his coat is thrown to the ground and one of his many hawaiian shirts is long gone. he starts to undo his belt, and your mouth waters at the sight of him pushing his jeans and underwear to the ground, leaving him bare before you. his cock is at attention, desperately seeking relief.

“i need ta fuck your mouth, can i do that sweetheart?” he grins and you nod which prompts him to move forward in front of you. “get on your knees f’me.” you promptly do so, which has you face to face with his large, leaky cock. he reaches down to your head once again and grabs a fistful of your hair “open wide my sweet…” your mouth falls open as butcher inserts his cock into your mouth and thrusts his hips to go deeper. his groans of pleasure fill your ears and his hips snap into your mouth faster, causing your eyes to water. “fuck your mouth is so fucking good doll” he continues to thrust until he pulls out suddenly- looking down at you as you breathe heavily with your mouth covered in saliva and billy’s pre cum.

“get on the fuckin bed, get on your back.” you obey, laying back onto the pillows and spreading your legs, exposing yourself to him. he looks down at you, taking the sight of his love before him. your pussy is wet and ready for him. he crawls onto the bed and props himself above you, his fingers reach down between your legs to touch you, feeling your soaked middle. he takes those fingers and dips them inside you, pumping them for a few seconds before removing them, and using your wetness to lube himself up. he suddenly pulls your hips towards him, lining up his thick cock with you before thrusting into you roughly. his hips snap against yours at a fast place, causing the bed to shake and squeak. “f-fuck butcher you’re so good…” you struggle to get your words out, butcher is hitting the spot inside you every single time.

his aggressive thrusts never seem to slow, but it was euphoric. his eyes never left your face, watching your mouth fall open with pleasure and your facial expressions that never fail to make butcher harder. his thumb reach down to your clit, rubbing it in circles and your eyes fall behind the back of your head. “oh fuck bill i’m gonna fucking cum…” this causes him to thrust into your quicker, him also close to the edge.

his breaths are becoming jagged, thrusts becoming sloppy. “fuck i’m gonna cum- ohhh fuck…” he spills himself inside of you, and you quickly follow suit, your legs shaking and moans filling the room. you close your eyes, trying to gain composure from your high. billy is breathing hard above you and leans down to kiss you, holding your throat lightly in his hand. “you’re such a good girl f’me… but we ain’t done yet.” he smirks at you, and you reciprocate the exact expression- this was going to be a long night and you both were looking forward to it…

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

Can we get smth w cyprus and period secks 👁

Tw afab reader, Cyprus is a fuckin nasty man, with period blood and stuff, dub con,

Cyprus doesn't mind getting messy. The laundry services downstairs are free, after all. He only needs to buy his own washing detergent, which doesn't cost too much as the cheap ones does the job.

You would think that your period would put him off, but he's more of a dog than ever before. He would get excited, your blood would be a natural lube to prepare you with, the air would reek even more of sex and menstrual fluids. Cyprus would go down on you the same, having blood dribble down his chin and all over his chest. He would still fuck you with the same intensity despite having crimson painting all over his body, his bed, your body and even the fucking walls.

He will make you forget about your period migraines and cramps, making you cum over and over again; your body and brain will be molded to the shape of his cock and any pain will be either translated to the pleasure of orgasming or become strongly associated with it. Your uterus would contract tremendously during climaxes and empty its contents quicker. Instead of the usual 5-day shedding, your period will now last on an average of two days. Sometimes even one, because Cyprus literally fucks the uterine lining out of you.

He has an animalistic appetite for your blood clots sliding out of your pussy, you try not to gag when you realized that he would swallow them whole. It's not like you were given a chance to think anyways, he will have you cumming almost every few seconds while slurping up whatever you give him down there.

When he's finally done with you for the day, the room would look like a brutal murder scene. The slaps between his hips and yours were so vigorous that there were splatters of blood that reached the blades of his ceiling fan. Scarlet would paint your body and his as if someone poured a gallon of viscera on the two of you. The sheet that was once dry and off-white is now completely soaked and gored. Blood would crust his fingers and hair.

A triumphant grin would make its way to his handsome face, his teeth were heavily stained red, and his jawline tightened with dried and fresh blood. It's almost like you're looking at a cannibal who has just finished his dinner, he doesn't come close to looking this sanguinary after his most brutal fights.

You would push him away in the end, because his aftercare involves him kissing you on the lips and cuddling. It's gross and nauseating to be covered in rouge like this, but Cyprus doesn't mind. He loves it.

You and he would need to spend the next few hours cleaning up, though. You would be grumpily grumbling as you scrubbed the walls with a wet cloth, trying to get rid of your viscera. Whereas your boyfriend would be whistling to himself, enjoying his day while he balances himself on a step ladder; trying to clean the soiled blades of his ceiling fan.

You're grateful that he would be the one who brings down the bloodied sheets and fabrics because your nervousness and anxiety would make it look like you're trying to cover up a reckless homicide poorly. You couldn't believe that your body expelled that much redness without you dying from blood loss. But then again, it is to be expected. You're squeezing out around 5 days' worth of menstrual blood in a few hours.

It usually takes a few cycles to even get most of it out, his neighbors know that if he's hogging the machines for an unusually long time, that means he managed to fuck his girl during her period. Hence, they would cheer loudly, sometimes the noise even reaching upstairs. Where you would be mortified while mopping up the messy floor.

Cyprus would prepare dishes that mostly consist of lean meat, as he knows you need iron and protein to replace the blood that you lost. He would be happy, praising you as you were such a good girl to him. Cyprus would run you a hot shower, prepare cups of chamomile tea, and massage your back after the sex. Which may or may not lead to him eating you out again, ruining all his hard work to clean the sheets.

Well. At least you get to save money on painkillers and sanitary products.

You sighed, good thing he already told Jane that you're not coming in tomorrow. You don't know if you have the energy to work after that... blood fest. Especially when you're still sitting on your depraved boyfriend's face, his tongue still drilling into your exhausted cunt.

You shuddered every time he licked those sensitive bundles of nerves, frowning at how blood started pooling around his ears and soaking the blanket. You couldn't hop off him, his fingers are digging into the flesh of your thighs, forcing you to use him as a chair.

You hope that no one needs to use the washing machines later tonight.

[sugar-omi]

*crashed through your wall* HI OMI. Have you heard about r3dcam3llias making a Step 5 mod for OL? I've been following it and the way they made the sprites of cast, especially the parents is *chef's kiss* https://r3dcam3llias.tumblr.com/post/761699466033135616/oh-i-am-ill-i-did-not-know-cove-holding-a-baby

also cuz you like Cliff, I figured you might like this one ;)

I did know!!! I saw some of their posts on my tl and it looks so good so far.. I saw their post teasing Terry's step 5 design and he looks so fuckin good, I'm obsessed

n i SEE Pam n cliff and I am looking with wide eyes 👁👁 i love the short hair on pam sm??? wtf???

imma have to play with the mod asap, this is something I didn't know I needed

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

Iam looking at your phoenixverse laxus design with both eyes OPEN 👁👁 but now im so curiojz as to what else the phoenixverse has to offer. PLEASE tell me youve got any headcanons about how zeref refived natsu. Like any thoughts at all on that?

Ohohohohohohohohohoho anon my guy my dude, my man (genderless) I am about to speak. Pull up a fuckin chair bro. Also puttin this under read more because uh, long lol

This is actually one of my favourite things to think about regarding Natsu (apart from yknow, END lol) and Zeref because it is such an interesting little story point.

For Natsu, the interest comes from the fact that he's not who he thought he was. Natsu's always confident about his identity, he's quick to announce who and what he is in a situation and he's proud of who he is. The knowledge that yeah sure, you are Natsu Dragneel, but uh Natsu's not who you think he is buddy- that Natsu, in some way died so many centuries ago but was pulled back and reshaped, reborn- repackaged even- into you in a body that you thought was human but is some almagamation of that and more? All tied to a book? Can he still say with confidence that he is Natsu Dragneel when he hardly knew the truths about himself? And if sayin that is even true when he could easily just be something molded to look like what Zeref lost? (Ofc we the readers know otherwise but imagine the dilemna man) The reality of it would've- should've- been earth shattering. It would've been an identity crisis and then some.

For Zeref, oh man. Zeref's whole thing stems from the fact that he loves Natsu. He loves Natsu so much (and his parents too i guess) that when the tragedy struck and he lost everything, it fucked him up. He just couldn't deal with the incredibly unfair hand that life dealt him that he was willing to turn the world on its head and essentially change the course of fioran history to try and undo what happened to him. To save something from his old life that he loved.

But heres the thing about Zeref's love. It's twisted. It's fucked up. It's dark.

Working years, decades- possibly even centuries- on the single minded task of reviving his brother (and why just Natsu? Why not the parents well? Why only the younger sibling? Did he intend to bring them all back but became single minded on just his brother?) could lead to obsession. Obsession with making him perfect, no longer just as a human but more than that. Stronger so he won't be killed as easily. Obsession with keeping him close, tying him to his soul in such a way that if Zeref goes, Natsu goes as well. Making sure that he's pulling the strings that when it comes to, when he finally closes his eyes at the hands of his brother, he has a comfort in knowing that his brother is going with him and he won't be left alone, like what his very first tragedy did to him. (Plus also making Natsu, his creation that he brought to life, kill him would be a back stab at Ankhserham. Because the god cursed him for fucking around with life and death, so having his demon kill him would be Zeref controlling the life he chose to create and determining his own death. It'd be a last gotcha).

Zeref may have loved Natsu enough to bring him back, and he still loves him in a way, but it's messed up. Because the whole ordeal of everything messed him up.

But I digress, this is just side stuff, your question really. How did Zeref really bring Natsu back?

Now since you asked specifically for phoenixverse, i can get a lil bit loose with canon details and not feel as restricted.

So we have our hard facts- Natsu and Parents die in Zeref's youth, Zeref fucks around tryna undo their deaths and finds out by getting cursed for doing this, then proceeds to use the curse to his advantage and over an undisclosed amount of time to create his demons and what not.

'Undisclosed amount of time' being the key thing here.

Canon implies that the time between Natsu's death, Zeref getting cursed and Zeref reviving Natsu happened within a relatively close period of time. And if it's anything I love, it's spacing out events.

I'd like to think that between the loss of his family and when he gets cursed is a decent gap of time, like a decade or so to really push the fact that he's so fixated on the loss. Then after getting the curse he sets to work of reviving Natsu over the course of decades to almost a century and a half.

(Am i implying Zeref to be a bit older than the 400 years? Yes, yes i am. The way I saw it the events of 400yrs past were inciting incidents i.e Zeref giving Natsu to Igneel, slayers gettin sent to the future, and not the actually set date where everything happened. And again, I like the idea of Zeref fixating on this for a very long time. Him being older drives home the single-mindedness and determination to get it done)

As prodigious as Zeref is, creating life and being the first wizard to do so, i don't think he could do it so easily within a few short years which is why i personally love the idea of Zeref taking so long to be able to revive Natsu. A touch of realism to something magical kinda grounds it in a way, gives it some weight at the very least.

Specifically Natsu being Zeref's final project ever and all the other demons he created over the years prior being experiments and steps taken to perfect the process so Natsu would be the culmination of all that he learnt (demons like deliora and lullaby being demons of inorganic matter given humanoid form-> tartarus- esque demons being humanoid demons with animalistic features (organic matter) -> Natsu, human demon and hybrid traits all working together in cohesion).

And speaking of a touch of realism, or sorta realism anyways, riddle me this.

Zeref needs something to make Natsu well, Natsu. Sure he could probs make a demon that looks like him, but thats not what he wants. He wants his actual brother so, what could he get to add into the mixture to really do that? Why a few samples of course :].

But Phoenix! I hear you cry, how could he have gotten samples if you said in your version that it took him forever to finally revive Natsu?

And so leads into the actual true definitive answer to your question anon.

Zeref, in needing the most important ingredient in the Natsu stew took things from the OG body to help build the new one. But! The kicker here is the samples I imagine him using aren't blood but instead, bone.

Maybe he realizes a decade or 2 down the line in his demon experiments that he missed a step in what he needs to see this through. Maybe he thinks he's too late because what can he do now at that point. Maybe he realizes that he can use not flesh and blood, but what remains for his plan. Maybe he commits another sin in the hopes of it bringing for another and digs up his young brother's bones. Maybe he whittles them down piece by precious piece over the long period of time after failing so many times (am i also implying failed Natsus? Failed ENDs? Hell yeah i am) and coming dangerously close to it all ending for naught, with the last shard of bone. And maybe after so long and so many atrocities, he finally succeeded?

TL:DR Zeref snagged OG Natsu's bones and used those to help in the process of quite literally rebuilding him from scratch to give us our Natsu.

I dunno man, it just adds a layer of fucked up-ness to the whole situation of how far Zeref was willing to go- even defiling his brother's bones to get him back.

And on Natsu's side learning about all this would just twist the knife of his identity crisis even deeper (especially on that implication of failed END attempts before him).

Also like, by stretching out the time of events and making Natsu being the very last demon Zeref ever made bring so much for layers of meaning to the name END in itself.

END, being the literal meaning 'Etherious Natsu Dragneel'

END, signalling the last demon Zeref's made. An end to his experimentations.

END, as in the last and perfected version of his brother, with the last remains of OG Natsu's bones going towards his creation.

And END, as in Zeref's end, where he intends for Natsu to kill him thus ending his life.

[theoutlawfaleena]

you take suggestive asks? cause I wanna sit next to konig, legs crossed and leaning ever so slightly forward and run my hand up his huge fuckin meaty thighs and watch him stumble over himself. he's my babygirl

hbfnfnf.... hnmgfnffgg gg..... hnngng......... HNN...,$:,

him avoiding ur eyes so u take him by the chin and make him look at u 👁👁

[spotsupstuff]

I saw the Ask regarding your Ancients and

Yeah I agree with everything they said. Ancients being sea anemones is just... So right. Can't see them any other way (They are funky freaky sea anemones that grew legs!) /pos

I love your own spin on things, too! (even if they aren't meant to stick close to cannon, it's fun to think about!)

It still feels all plausible to me in the Rain World Universe, which just opens so many Avenues to expand on things! Words are escaping me but I just

Love yer stuff so much

the ancients are fucking seafood n i think that explains why they are Like That to a degree ngl GJKLSDCMLSK The Seafood Vibes of a Whole Species....

i do find it interesting though how ya two stand behind the sea anemone thing with "it feels right". cuz like yes, i obviously agree! when u look at the hair bullshit they have goin on in the graffiti/murals, it makes a lot of sense. but i do think most fandom still thinks n stands behind the idea of the ancients being some sort of a land creature, like lizards, scav-related, birds, dogs... which is Very valid n in a way i do perceive those as the basis for ancients as well. i think of myself as an outlier. so the fact ya two go "it feels right" is very "👁👁 o wowie... lookit dat.. look..... (*꒪ヮ꒪*)" to me /in a v pos way

-snaps fingers n points atcha- but YES!!! *YES* THAT'S A BIG THING FOR ME- i can go off wherever i wanna n where the feelings will lead me but it Has to still fit into the universe! if the universe is a little changed because of the way i go about drawing the iterators, then okay, but there is still a certain Rain World vibe that needs to be respected no matter what cuz otherwise i stop writing about RW. which i don't wanna do cuz i love this lil shitlet of a game. and IDEALLY by straying away from the largely canon stuff but staying with the Vibes, i will- exactly, yes!!!!- open up new Avenues for world-building!!!!!

world-building is genuinely one of my favorite things to do. with RW it is especially fascinating because all of the information that we are really offered is all from a singular source that is Moon's/Pebbles' facilities (when it comes to visually/gameplay relaid information) Or what we can mostly safely assume is a singular continent wide network of iterators (since Suns is kinda weird to place cleanly)

RW is fascinating and engaging because while it offers only a small piece of the world for us to learn from, it uses the passage of time to expand upon itself n i fuckin Love it. also the main reason why i'm trynna respect the general timeline as much as possible. thanks to this expansion through time, not space, RW manages to never really feel stifling and claustrophobic when reviewing the lore

i do like to pose the question or my tactic of going 180°- which means that i take what is given, turn exactly the other way n start Marching in order to widen the horizont of understanding of the universe (n i also do that with characters pretty often ngl... i love my 180° rule a lot). if RW is focusing on expansion within time, i'll do my best to focus on expansion within space and then detail That

and thank you!!! i'm glad you enjoy my stuff!!!!

[bigassbowlingballhead]

alex and henry receive a gift the both of them can enjoy......is this.....what I think it is 👁👁 pls elaborate xoxoxo

HI ROOP YES.

I wish i had more for you. Someone asked me about this yesterday too and i don't have a lot more to extrapolate on

However, I can offer you a previously not seen snip of research mode alex

“This isn’t what I’m looking for, I already have the fuckin’ thing,” he mutters to himself. He opens a private window and pulls up Pornhub. He types double dong into the search bar there, videos pop up of men on their hands and knees, ass to ass.  “No… not that. I want to see his face…” he keeps scrolling. He finds a video of two men laying on their backs, both of them have their legs in the air, one has his legs wrapped around the other’s, a black double dong connects them at the ass. One of them is grasping it, moving it between them. Both of their heads are thrown back in pleasure. 

[hotchs-big-hands]

i have a cat and hes a right bastard to all but me (even me tbh) but im delusional enough to believe hed love ayayron. aaron eating at the table? my fluff baby mooshu (yes i named my cat after chinese food) will be rubbing up against his legs. aaron relaxing on the couch? oh look theres mooshu spread across his shoulders like a furry scarf. aaron doing paperwork in the office? mooshu will be in his lap. aaron laying in bed reviewing a case file? here comes the cat pawing his way up aarons chest to curl up there. you guys cuddling together? suddenly there is a fluff wiggling in between your warm bodies for a nap. yall fuckin? theres the cat loafed on the corner of the bed watching like 👁👄👁

KSSKSKSKKSSKSS CUTE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I think Aaron shoulda had a cat !!!!

Rome and I came up with a blind tuxedo cat called Mister Socks that literally changes Aaron's life to be so much brighter and happier 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[motoroil-recs]

kinfession, que it for valentines if you can!

I really appreciate my canon/mediamates, who have become friends that I genuinely look forward to talking with every day

it's nice to be able to share memories, crack absolutely awful jokes, and mess around with them, just like how we used to back then

I know they check your blog often [we all really love your blog, by the way!] so yeah, I appreciate you lot of incredible fuckin bastards /aff

-👁🌌🎙, Dr. B. Kondraki [SCP Foundation] & Mack Hans [Tragibox; Breakthrough]

[extra note; I get so platonically sappy about my friends/mediamates I swear-]

🏎️‼️

[beepbeepdespair]

ok. ok i just came out of the jungle bunch 2 in cinemas. please, please watch it. trust me on this one. it's fantastic. gonna do a bit of excited rambling under the cut so don't open it if you intend to watch the film lmao

ok so the ONE thing i wanted from this film was some cute gilbert and batricia and MY GOD did we get it. i see you clinging to her when the airship's going down gil. i see you 👁👁 and DID I HEAR HER CALL HIM SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF GILLY-POO? i fucking can't. she is his weakness. he can be vain and he can obsess over his machinery and he can throw out as much sass as he wants but as soon as the situation involves batricia he melts. i want to cry

talking of cute couples. i did not expect to get as attached to maurice and camelia as i did. and can i just say the disability representation in this film was fucking on point??? now im not an amputee (i am disabled, undiagnosed for fuck-the-government reasons but it's pretty certain) but i was so pleased with the way they handled camelia

of course they showed compassion for how it happened but it didn't feel like she was treated as different or wrong, they found clever ways for it to give her an advantage (for example the stun dart hitting it and when they installed a firing mechanism in it), it didn't feel like box ticking and it really felt like maurice loved all of her, including her disability, not despite of it. when he put his flipper in her wooden hand. fucking beautiful

and the jokes. the humour. the kraftwerk reference. arnold schwarzenegger as a beaver. france taking the piss out of itself. almost swearing. perfect

and finally. uh, girl power??? camelia the girlboss, being a strong and independent woman but not being depicted as cold or rude because of it. her saving maurice and batricia saving gilbert a couple times. gilbert fucking begging batricia on his knees. the film making it VERY clear that sexism is not okay. just *chef's kiss* all of it

god i hope they make a third one. and also i need to find the first one and the tv show in english because when i discovered the show in france i did not understand a word lmao

edit: ok no actually i have more to say sorry. for a kids film the way camelia lost her arm was fucking brutal??? you're telling me that in a robbery gone wrong her arm was blown off, leading to her father abandoning her because he felt like he didn't deserve her anymore, leaving her with little but a new arm..... my god. and "i felt like i didn't deserve to look after you" i am on the floor sobbing

another edit: OH GOD ONE MORE THING. im sorry the LOOK on gilbert's face when he realised he'd been used via those competitions to help finish the formula. send this tarsier to therapy jesus fuckin christ. tragedy enjoyers eating well today

also i thought it was very clever how subtly social and political commentary was slipped in there. a showcasing of the dangers of swallowing capitalist ideology, and the whole 'evacuating your home because it's been blown up, with someone trying to charge you for the tents you will then have to live in' is just........ yeah.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello ! This is pukey Saeyoung anon.

I’m comin off anon bc honestly that shit is too much work. Pretty sure being sick this long has fried any last sense of inhibition or shame in my brain and I think everyone deserves to know how much I love Saeyoung smh. The extent to which that is my Mans. I will publicly gush if I so please. 😤😤

Plus! I’m pleased to report that I haven’t actually thrown up in about two weeks! So like. Hashtag recovery life I guess. 💀

But that’s what I came here to update you about. :’D

I feel like I kinda left you with a cliffhanger there with the whole bone cancer thing. (If it makes you feel any better, the hospital did too 👁👄👁)

November was very much,,, a terrible horrible no good very bad type of month. I spent nearly two weeks waiting for them to get back to me about my dumb bone marrow autopsy only for them to cancel my appointment last minute. And in the meantime I was just getting sicker and sicker… I ended up in and out of the hospital again a couple times,, but by the third time I was scared to go back bc the second time I went they didn’t even admit me overnight. They basically just charged me $700 to take a four hour nap. And cha boy doesn’t have that kinda money. 😭

But it got to the point that I really physically couldn’t take it anymore… I have never been in so much pain and discomfort in my entire life. Which unfortunately with the life I’ve had,, that’s a high ass bar lmao.

And it was just CONSTANT… I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t look at any screens. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stand. I was literally too weak to even pull a blanket up over myself. I literally was spending every night sobbing/shivering/barfing myself to sleep. It was baaaaaaad.

Luckily my roommate at this point had probably started to get annoyed by hearing me crying from pain all night and was like “dude I’m taking you to the hospital again”

And my third hospital visit !! They FINALLY gave me an answer as to wtf is going on!

Good news is…? Not bone cancer. I don’t have to enter my Deadpool era Quite yet.

Bad news…? Apparently I’ve got fuckin Lupus 🤡

Which is super cute and fun because,, you know. Incurable lifelong chronic illness. I’m literally gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. :)

But like. It’s a perfectly livable disease. As long as it’s, you know. Actually being taken care of and treated. Which I now have enough info to actually do haha.

(Hit the self-loathing so hard that even my own fuckin immune system was like, oh shit we gotta take this bitch DOWN 💀)

I’m soooo glad to be home and back from the hospital… but it’s been very strange too. I’m still really sick and I can’t really do much on my own and,,, my brain physically doesn’t know how to process being like,, taken care of. Honestly it kinda sets off alarm bells in my brain 😳 but I’ve had to accept pretty damn quickly that,, I don’t really have a choice rn. I’m so used to just being on my own pushing through all my pain and just. Waiting till it goes away on its own. But if I do that in this case… the pain will just get worse and my body will quite literally shut down on me and I will literally die. Sooooo like,,,, 🤡 I guess maybe I can stand to be taken care of for at least a little while.

Doc says with all the damage that’s been done to my organs and stuff this past year, they caught it early enough that the damage is reversible. But I need to undergo a really strict recovery treatment,, and they estimate it’ll be at least 18 months before I’m able to get back to my ~normal healthy baseline~. Which is insane… like am I really gonna be out here living like a sickly hermit for a damn year and a half?? I’m gonna keep feeling better, I know. And I’ll slowly be able to do more again. But I can’t go back to my job. It was causing me waaay too much physical and mental strain. :( so that’s gonna be fun to figure out.

They also put me on literally 12 new medications when I left the hospital to help control my symptoms. Each of which I have to take 1-3 times a day. So that’s super exciting. Love a big bowl of pills for breakfast every morning.

It was torture at first because I hate swallowing pills. But it’s been about a week and I’m honestly getting used to it already. And better yet? Even after only a week… they’re noticeably helping my symptoms… and I’m actually starting to be able to do things again… I *almost* feel like, 60% of a normal human person again,,, maybe even 65%! I’m slowly starting to regain my appetite finally… and I can do little things again… like play the new Pokémon game, or watch anime, or draw, or call a friend on the phone. Which… god what a relief 😭 words cannot describe how good it feels to be able to do those things again… frankly,, it was traumatic having to spend the last few months watching my body physically deteriorate in real time… so now that I’m starting to feel like myself again, if only a little. I’m like. Hey?? I actually love myself so much???? I think I’m a pretty cool fun interesting person. Thank GOD I’m making a comeback 😭😭

Saeyoung of course has been a great source of comfort for me throughout all of this… he always is one of my biggest sources of comfort in life… literally even just imagining him being in the same room as me is enough to put me more at ease…

When things were at their worst a big part of how I dealt with shit was vividly daydreaming about making up silly stories with Saeyoung to distract me. This is something I’ve done for years when I’m too upset or stressed to sleep,,, it’s been a reliable source of comfort for me for a hot minute. But it’s never gotten to this extent haha.

We have a whole ass story going,, I’m actually starting to get pretty attached to the story and the characters… which is stupid AF because it’s literally just. Me and Saeyoung Choi as fantasy self-inserts wherein he’s a court jester and I’m a knight and we’re going on a quest to ~find a cure for my mysterious illness~

But a part of me is like 🥺🤔 what if I actually wrote the story tho? Lmaoooo

Amongst other coping mechanisms and distractions,,, I’ve also been falling HARD into my online shopping addiction. But also, idk, can you blame me…? I’m a material gowrl at heart and I haven’t been able to go shopping in person for months 😔😔 I need little treats to get me through the day.

Mostly I’ve been spending an UNGODLY amount of money on plushies. Like… idk if I could count them and I don’t even wanna THINK about the prices fhdhdjd-

Mostly Pokémon and Sanrio characters. But a few other random critters as well.

And tbh?? I don’t regret a single purchase. They’ve literally all helped me feel more comfortable and joyful these past couple months, which I’ve really needed. So, even if my bed is starting to look RIDICULOUS from sheer volume of plushies…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m living my best life

A few days ago I got a giant charmander plushy… and like. Ordinarily I’m not even the biggest fan of charmander (shut UP ABOUT CHARIZARD GAMEFREAK. IM OVER IT. GEN 1 IS POPULAR WE GET IT)

But I swear to god this young man is changing my life. It may be the softest squishiest most huggable plush I’ve ever encountered. I’ve been carrying him almost everywhere,,, starting to feel like the “ahh yes. Me, my partner, and their life sized mareep plushy” meme for real 💀💀

((How do you think Saeyoung would feel about me turning our bed into a literal mountain of plushies? Or having to compete for attention with my charmander? Hehe. ))

THERES ONLY ONE MORE THING I WANTED TO SAY…

If you’re actually taking the time to read all of this,,, holy shit thank you. And thank you for providing lonely bitches like me this outlet c’: to be able to talk… and share comfort… and express our deep love for these characters without fear of judgement. It’s really just such a lovely blog and I can never thank you enough.

But the last topic I wanted to touch on!!!

Ugh,,, I read your answer to the ask about Saeyoung with an MC into pastel goth fashion and…

That made me so happy 😭😭❤️❤️

I love fashion,,, so much. Truly one of my greatest joys in life is getting into a really cool fun outfit and strutting around Knowing that I’m cool as fuck and I look like a sexy badass 😤😤 it’s simply the most powerful feeling.

Love when I’m wearing an outfit I know looks fire and I can’t stop smirking haha.

And I just,,, love being flamboyant and silly and having fun with it. I’m 100% the type of person to walk into a store and go “this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. The colors and patterns are such a mess they’re practically nauseating. I NEED IT.”

I have a collection of tacky button up shirts that could probably blind a man lmao. And JACKETS?? Don’t get me started on jackets. Boots,,, cargo pants,,, earrings,,, big colorful sunglasses. Ugh. <3

Since I’ve been so sick I haven’t been putting much effort into my appearance. My outfits were so joyless for a while… and then, well. I’ve spent the last month and a half wearing exclusively Pajamas and Hospital Gowns 😭

Considering that my main fashion inspirations ordinarily fall somewhere between Elton John, Lil nas x, and Jojo’s bizarre adventure…

Quite the glow down haha

I don’t think I realized fully how much I missed that until I read your ask…

You inspired me to go looking for some fun new clothes online. And now I’m feeling so excited and impatient for them to get here because I can’t remember the last time I got to put together a fun outfit… I actually wanna like,, get up and get dressed for the first time in so long c’: if only to waltz around my apartment a little bit and take a few selfies.

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to my FULL level of glamour,, my inflammation is still pretty bad so my face and body are kinda weird and swollen and lumpy right now 🥴 and again,,, standing and walking are still very much a challenge. Idk if I could wear heels right now haha I’m wobbly enough on my feet already.

But I can’t wait to get back into it…

Like you were saying in that ask too… another part of why I love fashion defs has to do with my gender expression… and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when people bring that up with Saeyoung 😭 it always makes me grin and fills me with so much adoration to think about Sae getting to have fun and experience that euphoria with clothing and fashion as well… and especially the thought of us getting to do it together….? c’:

Literally a concept that is SO important and special to me 😭❤️❤️

Idk what kinda wonky matching outfits we’d be putting together but I know that we would look so fuckin cool and hot 😤😤 and best of all we could have so much fun. Which… tbh, there’s nothing more I could ask for in life.

Plus of course,,, there’s always the added fun of self indulgently getting to imagine Saeyoung admiring and complimenting me on my fashion :’D and like,,, thinking I’m cool or whatever 😭

Anyways! Those are all the things I wanted to say.

If you’re still reading this,, //what’s wrong with you bahaha I’m such a rambly mess

But like. Thank you. And deadass if this is too long to read or respond to feel free to leave it in your inbox or just delete it.

Honestly it was just really nice to be able to type out all these thoughts just to sorta. Get it out and decompress, ya know…? c’:

I hope you have an absolutely beautiful day.

While I am happy to hear that you have a better understanding of what's going on in your life, I'm sorry you're going through this transitional time when you discover that you have chronic illness. That has to be the most difficult time for a lot of people. You have to make a lot of adjustments and make changes that you may not be happy with to make sure that you're taken care of. I empathize and understand this because I deal with multiple chronic illnesses. If you ever need a safe space to vent about it, this is always a safe spot. Whether you want it to be posted or not, you can always scream into the inbox.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the new limitations and changes that are coming into your life. It'll be hard for a little while to get used to everything. But it'll be okay. I can't promise that it'll be easy in the long run. This journey is a lot different for everybody. I think what helps when you feel lonely and isolated in that regard, is to find comfort in the things that make you happy and if that is this video game, then I'm glad that you have it. It's been there for me through all of my experiences so I'm also grateful for it.

I know what it feels like to be lonely and afraid. Having my blog like this... it’s a place where I’m able to help everyone’s dream. It’s simple, it’s small, but I know even the smallest response of “Yes, your favorite character would do this for you today!” means the world to someone on their worst day. I hope that you’re able to find some spoons to dress up and feel good very soon. It’s hard to find a good day sometimes, but you’ll have soon, I’ll cross my fingers for you.

Imagine that, I mean, imagine Saeyoung gushing over you because you found the energy to get up and show off your new outfit. There’s dazzling sparkles in his eyes as he looks at you. His hands are pressed to his mouth, and he looks like he’s going to keel over in delight. He’s absolutely enamored and in love with the sight of you. “You’re so handsome! I can’t take it! I’m in the presence of the best lover! I think I’m the luckiest boyfriend in the world!” Cue him pretending to faint before you ask him if he’s getting dressed, too.

That’s when he springs back up: “Wait, wait, wait, I’ve got the perfect dress that’ll match this. I’ll even let you pick my hair style for the day!”

[thefreakandthehair]

I just remembered! I forgot to tell you about my new additions to my Christmas tree! (It’s a big deal I have exactly five trees of various sizes and they’re all for specific purposes (but Halloween is still my favorite holiday okay))

Dustin just came out this year, of course I had to have them all once I got him (the whole tree is a bunch of characters but I groups them so they’re with their people and also now my tree topper and tree skirt make me think of Dustin too - he would insist Steve have them for his tree because they’re Star Wars and that’s their thing)

my first thought is that I love this tree and the ornaments so much, and will maybe possibly steal this idea next year <333

my SECOND thought is that oh my god, Dustin gets Steve a Star Wars tree topper and Eddie is just like, "why? wait, is this another one of those pre-Vecna things I missed out on? does Steve actually have a fuckin' lightsaber or something? are those real, too?" Steve hands Eddie the topper and looks at Dustin. they smile, nod, and go full on into their dorky little handshake routine! they haven't missed a beat and devolve into laughs and hugs at the end. meanwhile, Eddie stands in front of the tree with its multi-colored lights and kitschy, thrifted, and/or gifted ornaments, Star Wars tree topper gripped in both hands, staring like:

👁👄👁

[ssseriema]

you are the second person to say bleeding tooth fungus and frankly i'm not surprised, anyways mushroom facts now

wanna bite into it? go right ahead! it's non-toxic! super fuckin' bitter though.

bleeding tooth fungus have also been described as resembling a Danish pastry topped with strawberry jam, earning it one of its several names, strawberries and cream :D

also mother spore with this....i am stealing your idea mine now /j

OH WOW !!!! im so glad to find out that i wont die because of biting a cool fungus. i think im adding this to the bucket list of things to do before i die thank you!!! what a coincidence that i love strawberries and cream as well

u seem to know abt shrooms tho which ones do u like? or which ones would mother spore look cool with 👁👁 dont mind meee im just curious hehe

[lumity-poggers]

My thoughts on Watching and Dreaming

I watched the episode when it premeired last night but i hit post limit so couldnt post about it. Spoilers under the cut. sorry if anything is out of order lol im sick and im just throwing everything i thought last night down on this post.

-Luz being attacked by Amity genuinely made me cry

-"My girlfriend is too big a nerd to misremember an Azura quote" -luz probably

-Lilith having the haircut from For the Future but color scheme from season 1 is a nice touch

-"Dont you recognize your siblings" Ok damn man didnt need to go THAT far

-The giant stone Flapjack in Luz's nightmare killed me and not in the good funny way but in the sad crying way

-in the words of @minty-creator "BELOS FUCKETH OFF" (We were both watching the ep and screaming to each other about it)

-at first I thought belos was gonna try and possess king but then I realized no he's going to possess the fucking boiling isles titan

-I actually kinda liked that The Collector had no concept of death. They're a kid, an IMMORTAL GODLY KID. Of course they wouldnt know what death is

-Pacman Collector will haunt my nightmares

-The Collector needs a hug. I want to give them a hug.

-"You know this cant last forever" that was said to the collector but it feels like it was also aimed towards us

-The Archivists 🤝Pink Diamond "Wanna play a game?" *leaves them lonely*

-ok no but seriously the archivists telling Collector to play with the titans only to wipe them out leaving Collector all alone is just fucking cruel

-The Collector is just a lonely kid LET ME HUG THEM

-Me seeing Raine fight back: YES YOU GO

-Goo Belos in this episode looks like William Afton. Like- Remember that fucking fnaf 3 image where the springtrap head was open showing William? Thats what Belos looks like. Or burntrap from SB take your pick.

-Raine my beloved

-The Belos possessed Titan looks like a fucking dragon holy shit

-"Now that's a spinoff I'd watch" You and me both Luz

-The Collector picking up Raine's earring and realizing that the Raine talking to them wasnt actually Raine, and then looking upset is just AAAAAAAA LET ME FUCKING HUG THEM

-I LOVE that when the collector uses "Kindness and Forgiveness" on Belos IT DOESNT WORK. I FUCKING H A T E THAT TROPE OF POWER OF FRIENDSHIP REDEMPTION. It was one of the few things I genuinely hated about Steven Universe (SU is still a good show tho they just kinda overused villain redemption. And yeah yeah you could argue MLP overuses that too but MLP was ABOUT friendship)

-Luz, Eda, and King's expressions when The Collector hugs Belos is so funny tho. Literally just 👁👄👁

-I literally screamed at Luz's sacrifice. S C R E A M E D.

-Gaster Blaster Belos Real

-"Eda, King, looks like we're going to be split up again. I feel like I should be used to this feeling by now, but I still dont know what to say" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-I like that Luz becomes lights. Not only was the light glyph the first one she learned but her name literally means light.

-Eda, King, and Luz are such a found family I love them

-"I should have thanked them" SCREAMING AND CRYING

-I love that King's dad basically said "Fuck gender"

-I also love that he has a bad girls coven shirt

-Eda makes alchoholic apple blood confirmed?

-Titan Luz is so gender

-Camila best mom

-LET. ME. HUG. THE. COLLECTOR. DAMN IT.

-Luz and King doing the WEH together is so fucking cute.

-For some reason I thought Luz was gonna die again when the titan magic was fading. Like I thought that was keeping her alive.

-Anyone gonna talk about the fact Eda gave Raine a little kiss when saving them from the Belos goop

-the entire episode was so anime but the fight scene between Titan Luz and Belos was just anime as fuck and the smooth animation makes it even better

-"NOW EAT THIS SUCKA" IT ALL COMES FULL CIRCLE

-Look at how fuckin anime this is I love it so much

-Luz looks so badass btw idk if I mentioned that

-Belos trying to bullshit his way out of this and Luz having NONE OF IT is so great. I hat the "[insert curse/supernatural thing] made me do it so im innocent" trope if it's done poorly or with a character like Belos. Love that they smashed that into the ground with Luz having fucking none of it.

-LOOK AT HOW BADASS AND GENDER SHE LOOKS I WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THIS I AM SO NOT NORMAL ABOUT THIS

-I AM SO GLAD BELOS HAD A GRUESOME DEATH THAT WAS SO SATISFYING.

-I like the touch that Titan Luz isnt affected by the boiling rain

-King's dad is A PUN MASTER

-the reuniting. oh my titan the reuniting. I cried. Gus doing a little illusion with his dad, Amity hugging Alador (with Odalia rightfully in the sidelines), Hunter telling Darius about wolves, Willow and her dads!

-Darius and Eber so want to beat the shit out of Terra, Vitmir, and Adrien.

-Camila pulling Eda and King into a hug with Luz is just. YES.

-Yassified Hooty go brrr

-King giving The Collector Francois was so sweet

-All the kids as adults are so fucking gender. GIVE ME YOUR GENDER.

-All the photos on Luz's bulletin board are so amazing. Especially the one with Hooty dropping from a tree that one made me laugh so hard. Also the Bi Pride pin next to the graduation photo was amazing.

-"Stringbean's Corner" AWWWE

-ik im doing two screenshots in a row but LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF STRINGBEAN

-When I tell you I screamed with joy when I saw there was a working permanent portal to the Boiling Isles I mean I SCREAMED WITH JOY

-I love Willow's leaf headband. It just fits her so well.

-I love that Hunter is a palismen carver and carved a Blue Jay to be his new palismen (according to Dana on twt the name of the palismen is Waffle. I love it.), but I also love that Hunter was (or maybe still is) Dell's apprentice by the looks of things

-The grave for Flapjack made me sob. And then the "Thank you for finding me" on it im just. I need a moment.

-HARPY LILITH HARPY LILITH

-Also I just realized now they all have matching Flapjack tattoos. Im gonna cry you guys.

-The way Darius just slides over after shaking Alador is the most tsundere anime thing ever.

-Theres a little abomination in Alador's pocket :0

-Raine with white hair is actually so fucking cool

-Gus looks so cool you cannot tell me otherwise.

-Everyone thought Eda would have like a robotic/abomination arm but no SHE HAS A HOOK AND IT'S AWESOME

-King had a growth spurt lets go!

-The quinceanera being called a king-cenera is just perfect. King is mastering the art of puns just like his father.

-King having his own glyph shapes is just perfect I love it!

-Collector making fireworks shooting stars is amazing

-THEY DID THE HUNTER "BYEEE" TO BOTH THE COLLECTOR AND US

Im going to miss toh. It was one of the best shows Ive ever watched.

Edit: I hat the new post editor istg

[lecliss]

Man I fuckin hate my problem of feeling like I'm smiling but then you look at my face and I'm just like 👁👄👁 cuz now I'm gonna have to warn my mom before she sees my new drivers license to not get annoyed that I'm 'not smiling' in the photo when I thought I was 🙃