#fucked up rabbit gang!!!

[bxnnie-bxwl]

very messy wip hehehe

[dykealloy]

one piece filler ep where they run into another peto-peto villain of the week guy but this time instead the devil fruit power rearranges people's brain chemistry so they have the thoughts behaviours emotional intelligence etc of a dog. zoro gets hit but he's just exactly the same

[shy-nightmare]

I'm sorry, Smarty. Greasy made me do it! 😂😂😂

Lmao 🤣, there's no way this isn't how they met.

Smartass, glaring up at him: 😠 Goddammit, why are you so tall like a fuckin' giraffe 🦒?

Greasy: That's because you're built like a baked bean 🤣

Smartass: 💢 A BAKED -- A BAKED BEAN?!?!💢

(kicks Greasy in the balls)

Smartass: 💢 BAKED BEAN THAT! BAKED BEAN THAT! 💢

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

I can. And I will.

Here I AM, just an INNOCENT LITTLE MEOW MEOW, just a SOPPING WET PATHETIC LEETOL CREECHUR, an ANGELIC BABY, and then YOU come along and put IDEAS in my head and think you can get away with it!?

[shibotaibo]

Thinking about the local woman who committed a murder-suicide last year and how she posted some absolutely unhinged shit on facebook and no one reported her. She had uploaded pages from a journal and it read like absolute schizo insanity. She talked about how she was a "targeted individual" for gang stalking and how people were breaking into her house at night and raping her & her daughter but leaving no trace. They were poisoning the food and leaving cameras and listening devices in the walls, they were replacing their water with bleach and cleaning them of evidence from the inside out.

It's so so so so scary that she genuinely believed all this and NO ONE TOOK HER KID FROM HER. I know being insane isn't illegal but this chick was abusing meth and opioids and it caused psychosis that clearly made her a danger to herself and others and nothing was done about it!! Crazy shit!!!!

[luin-no-koibito]

Can you guess which tag corresponds to each selfship???

describe your self ship(s) as badly as possible in the tags !!

(Stole from a anti)

[slasherscream]

my girl can wear whatever she wants tiers please for crazy ass boys gang!!!

CRAZY ASS BOYS GANG + MY GIRL CAN WEAR WHATEVER SHE WANTS TIERS

❥ my girl can wear whatever she want cause I can fight ❥

Billy Loomis - When you look particularly good his arm might as well be glued to your waist. He's both possessive and protective. He hates the way everyone's eyes devour you, but can't help how prideful it makes him either. Yeah, you want her. Of course you want her. Everyone does. But only I have her. God help the idiot that's stupid enough to open their mouth and not just look.

Jordan Li - They love watching you put your outfits together. They make suggestions from your bed, glancing up at you every few minutes. They can't help it. Their eyes are drawn to you permanently. No matter how crowded the room they can find you in a second. Whenever there's a party Jordan loves watching everyone try to sneak quick glances at you. They jump like rabbits when they wind up meeting Jordan's eyes and watch that smile that Jordan only wears around you fall back into the usual scowl. No one wants to be caught staring at Jordan's girl.

Arvin Russell - It's not possible for you to feel fear in public when you're with Arvin. You could be wearing straight lingerie in the most dangerous city in the world at 2 am and be safe. He's not just ready to protect you but hungry for it. Every time he proves he'll fight till his knuckles are bloody and bruised over you he watches you walk a little more confidently. Shine a little brighter. Knowing that he's there to protect you has only made you more yourself every day. And Arvin? He's obsessed with the transformation that the safety net of his fierce protection has ignited within you.

Jason Dean/JD - You wish he'd only fight people over what you're wearing. Unfortunately, this is not the case. JD pulls out a gun. Not every time, granted. Just a large majority of the time. In his defense, how is he supposed to act when someone has the audacity to cat call you? Do you expect him to just watch and not care as you experience that brief shiver of fear that runs up your spine when a man whistles at you before following it up with even more salacious words? If you feel fear, he'll make them feel fear. Simple.

Sparrow!Ben Hargreeves - If someone is stupid enough to not recognize him before they say anything to you about what you're wearing they will quickly recognize the tentacle wrapped around their throat. "Apologize." He hisses through gritted teeth, increasing the pressure, knowing just how much strength he can use before it would break their neck. How he ever expects anyone to apologize to you with a giant tentacle wrapped around their wind pipe you don't know. This is the second time this month. You're running out of night clubs you're not banned from.

David Mccall - You walk out of the house with the confidence that only someone who's done 12 tours over seas should have. But no, you just have a boyfriend who is incredibly scary. You've watched him almost break a man's hand for brushing it against yours at a crowded bar while he reached for his drink. You don't even think before you throw on an outfit anymore.

❥ my girl can wear whatever she want because she a hoe and I knew that before we started dating ❥

Josh Washington - Could he fuck someone up if needed? Yes, but he feels no need to. As long as you're not in danger or being disrespected Josh loves the way you express yourself through your look. You're hot and beautiful, of course you wear stuff that's short or tight, or both. If he looked like you he'd do the same thing. People don't usually say anything to you anyways, since he's always pressed to you like a second skin. He's not a jealous guy, but he is a chronic clinger.

Stu Macher - Is probably the person wolf whistling you in the first place. Points at you from across the room when you're talking to other people and says, "That's my girl right there. She's smoking, right?" He will always be smug he pulled you and NEVER shut up about it. The more wild you dress the more smug he gets. People can look all they want. But you only want him. What's there not to brag about?

Kevin Khatchadourian - Kevin above anyone else would thoroughly understand your psyche before dating you. He's involved with you because, somehow, you intrigued him against all odds. He already expected and predicted with near perfect accuracy every step of the relationship. Skimpy outfits are not throwing him. Can he fight? Yes. But, frankly, if someone pisses him off by hitting on you swinging on them is not gonna satisfy him. He's more of a "put their fingerprints at a crime scene so their life is ruined" type of get back. If he decides not to kill them.

Sebastian Valmont - Sebastian is the one buying you more hoe clothes. He loves your style and is not insecure. If either of you wanted someone else, you could go get them. But you two were practically made for each other. He wants to show you off. Is never going to be the type to try and dull your shine. He wants to walk into a room with you and have jaws drop from the deadly combination of the way you look together. He thrives off of seeing how much people want you. Knowing how futile it is. How hopeless. He pulls you tight into his side and grins like the devil himself (also, and this knowledge is of utmost importance, he cannot fight for shit.)

❥ my girl can wear whatever she want cus I’m scared of her ❥

Nathan Prescott - Is possessive, jealous and insecure enough to absolutely want you to change what you're wearing. With anyone else he'd even be bold enough to tell them to change. You are not anyone else, though. You are you. Considering every other behavior you tolerate from Nathan on a monthly, weekly, daily, and hourly basis you would snap on him like a twig if he tried to bring one more red flag on board. He knows this. You know this. When you slide on your low rise jeans and the tiniest crop top known to man, you make eye contact with one another in the mirror. He looks away first. You go back to peacefully fixing up your hair. Upside, no one is crazy enough to actually hit on you when you're at parties held on campus together. Which means Nathan won't have the cops called on him. Hooray!

[gor3-hound]

SLY FOX // DUMB BUNNY - ZENIN CLAN

ft. fox!toji, naoya, naobito, jinichi and ogi x bunny!reader

a/n: thank uuuu to @sqiim and @kaitkatme for beta'ing !!! another commission for @nexysworld :333 coolest gal out there on god 💪 gangbangs are... hard to write but... think i cooked???? fb and rbs appreciated !!

cw: 18+ content, gang bang, mxmxmxmxmxf!reader, knotting, dubcon, power dynamics, ooc naobito?, double penetration, breeding, creampies galore !!, mating press, doggy, biting, very small blood mention, size difference-ish, cockwarming, the zenins aren't nice, misogyny

word count: 2.6k words

Being a servant in the Zen'in family was difficult. Being a rabbit among a den of foxes was another thing entirely. You could feel narrowed, judgmental eyes following your every movement. You could sense their gazes on you at every moment, even when you thought you were alone.

Some of them liked to play with you for sport - tugging on your floppy ears, baring their teeth at you to watch you tremble or sneaking up on you to watch you jump. It keeps you on edge, but more than anyone, Naobito fills you with a sense of dread.

It's his silence - the way his watchful eye scours the compound. He does not discipline his family for their mistreatment of you, but he does not engage in the behaviour himself. If anything, he seems wholly uninterested in you, addressing you only when he sees fit.

You're tense when he approaches, every muscle fibre pulled taut in your body. His gaze is locked on you, but his movements are slow. Languid. Like he enjoys watching you squirm as he approaches.

“Here, little rabbit.” He orders, voice firm and unwavering, but not cruel. Your ears twitch at the authority in his tone, and you're quick to walk towards him until you're right in front of him. He nods his head to the side, turning and walking away. A silent command for you to follow.

He's silent as he leads you to the clan meeting hall. There's a few faces you recognise here - the next most eligible heads of the Zen’in clan, along with its very own black sheep, Toji. Naobito orders you to strip, and you shakily comply, shaking slightly under the fox’s heavy gazes.

“You've all failed to produce any useful heirs to secure your place as the next head of the clan. Ogi has given us women, Toji - a bastard. My own son has not even produced a child, and as for you, Jinichi… I do not even wish to speak on the matter. You have somehow disappointed me more than your brother.”

Naobito kicks your trembling form forward, your body bare as you catch yourself before making contact with the floor. The wood is rough against your soft skin, your eyes flickering across the many faces of the Zen'in men staring down at you.

“A bunny. Not ideal, of course. But fertile enough I'm sure one of you will be able to fuck a useful heir into her by the end of today.”

The men are tense, gazing at each other for a few silent moments, as if eyeing up who gets first dibs. Ogi is the eldest, but seems thoroughly disinterested. Toji, although cocky, knows well enough that a fight will break out if he attempts to be the first to approach. The toss up is left between Naoya and Jinichi, who both look like they're about three seconds away from tearing each other apart.

Naoya steps forward first, which sets Jinichi off. He takes two large steps forward, his form dwarfing Naoya's as he squares up, determined to be the first to have you. Naoya's fur bristles, his tone conceited when he speaks up.

“I'm the rightful heir. It is my duty to breed her first.” He grunts, stepping in front of his cousin, glaring as he gazes up at the older man.

“You're nothing but a spoiled brat. I could tear you apart in seconds, little fox.” Jinichi growls, thick brows pulling together as he pushes Naoya to the side, baring his teeth at his cousin in frustration. He kneels, his hand coming down to smack your clit harshly before he forces two thick fingers into your cunt.

“Your son is too arrogant, uncle. You should teach him some respect.” He grunts, scissoring you open. You're much wetter than fox girls he's been with, slick gushing from you eagerly, streaming steadily down his hand to his wrist. “Bet a cock like that wouldn't even stretch out a tiny bunny girl like this, hmm?”

Naoya's tail bristles, a low growl forming in his throat as his lips curl back. “You watch your mouth old man, or I swear I'll-”

“Enough. Both of you. I'm sharing the girl as a gift to our clan - a means for you to produce heirs. Do not think I won't keep her to myself if you don't behave.” Naobito cuts in, his eyes narrowing as he gazes at the other Zen'in's. Ogi remains silent next to him, but his gaze is harsh and unwavering as he gazes at Naoya, making his disdain for his attitude abundantly clear.

Toji, who has been too busy watching his brother’s fingers splitting you open, scoffs at the eldest Zen’in. His eyes flick up to his uncle, and he cocks his head to the side. When he speaks, it's with barely restrained amusement. “You think you can keep up with a bunny at your age?”

Ogi speaks up for the first time then, his gaze narrowing in on Toji. “You should consider yourself lucky that a runt like you was even invited to join in on this.”

“Runt, huh? I'm bigger than you, ya old bastard.” He growls, ears pulling back as he straightens up, making himself appear bigger. You whimper as you gaze at the two men, but Jinichi doesn't stop stretching you out, leaving you mewling despite your discomfort.

Jinichi ignores their bickering in favour of pulling his fingers from your tight cunt, shedding his kimono and pulling his cock free. Your eyes widen as you get a lock at it, your chest heaving with nervous breaths.

“That's not… it's too big.” You squeak, eyes wide as he grips the back of your thighs, folding you in half effortlessly. In return, you get another harsh smack against your cunt, one that has you jolting with a whimper. He bares down on you, forcing his thick length into your tight hole, bottoming out with a low groan.

The stretch stings, making you whine and squirm against his body. His grip is unwavering, not allowing you to pull too far back from him. He doesn't grace you time to adjust as he presses your thighs to your chest, the weight of his body keeping you pinned. He sets a brutal pace, fat cock rutting into you mercilessly.

“I'm sick of waiting.” Naoya growls, his ears pulling back as he glares at his cousin. Jinichi bristles as he approaches, body growing rigid as the younger man approaches. “Let up for a second, huh? ‘M just gonna join ya. Fuckin’ brute.”

Jinichi scowls, but relents, pulling out of you long enough for Naoya to lie down, lifting you so your back is pressed against his chest. He sinks into you with a whine, tail swaying contentedly under him. The larger man returns, slowly pressing his length in along his cousin's with a grunt.

“Fuck… she's even tighter.” He practically purrs, continuing the brutal pace he set before. Naoya starts moving too, their cocks pistoning in and out in a rough rhythm that steals the air from your lungs.

Jinichi senses your discomfort, but the most he offers to soothe you is his tongue lapping at your skin, a soft growl rumbling in his chest. His head dips down to your chest, dark locks tickling your skin as he latches onto a nipple, sharp teeth grazing the fat of your breast. You mewl at the feeling, slick gushing from your cunt to aid in the movements of the cocks inside of you.

“So wet. Acting all shy, but your body knows what you're meant for.” Naoya coos, a condescending tone underlying his words. He sinks his teeth into the crook of your neck as he fucks into you, the sharp pain making you cry out. He loosens his jaw, lapping at the blood spilling from the bite. “A bunny bitch acting like she wasn't born to be bred.”

The other clan members watch the exchange, but Toji is most notably affected. His eyes are hooded as he stares at the way your hole stretches around his brother and cousin, eyes narrowed in on your slick cunt.

Jinichi's thrusts grow sloppily as he reaches his peak. He feels his knot swelling, and he pulls back from your breast and grits his teeth to surpass the urge to force it past your tight ring of muscle. He growls as he spills inside of you, filling him with your seed.

“Can't keep up, cousin?” Naoya teases, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face. Jinichi snaps at him in warning, easing his softening cock out of you.

“I'll rip your throat out with my teeth, you insolent brat.” He sneers, stepping away from you as Naoya continues to pound into you. Naoya rolls his eyes, his expression still smug as he rolls the both of you over and yanks your hips up so he can fuck you properly.

“Presenting all pretty f’me.” He teases, draping his frame over yours as he ruts into you desperately. “Just like a good breedin’ bitch, hmm?”

You whine low in your throat, bunny ears flopping limply by your face as you claw at the ground, pussy already sore from being treated so roughly. You do your best to roll your hips back to meet his thrusts, but you're already tired and your movements are sloppy and disorganised.

“Gonna knot this bunny cunt.” He murmurs, brows furrowing as he fucks into your drippy cunt. His knot catches your entrance, and he forces it in with a hiss of pleasure, tail twitching behind him. You feel his cum filling you, joining his cousin's as he rides out his high. He sits back with a satisfied sigh, making you yelp as his knot tugs you back with him.

“Did ya have to knot her?” Toji growls, tail stiffening as he approaches. “Been waitin' long enough as it is.”

“You can wait longer.” Naoya huffs, stretching his legs out to get comfortable as he waits for his knot to deflate. The next few minutes are tense as Toji's gaze remains locked on his cousin, waiting impatiently for his turn.

As soon as Naoya's knot deflates enough for him to wriggle free, Toji steps forward. He's stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder, Ogi's face expressionless as he pulls him back.

“I'm not sharing with the runt.” Ogi says simply, stepping towards you as he frees his cock without bothering to disrobe. “And I'm certainly not letting his seed dirty my cock. He can wait.”

Toji lunges, clearly looking for a fight, but one firm look from the head of the clan has him stopping, seething as he steps back again to watch his uncle slide easily into your used cunt. You're already sore and tender, and you know you're not going to last long with the deep, slow strokes Ogi's delivering.

You whimper as you clench around him, cumming on his cock. Your eyes water, lash line gathering tears that threaten to fall down your face. Ogi doesn't speak, or so much as acknowledge you, using you for nothing more than his own pleasure. The overstimulating pleasure has your back arching, and you mewl as you squirt, release flooding his cock and coating his lower abdomen.

His face wrinkles in distaste, but he just continues rocking his hips against yours until his knot swells. He doesn't knot you - but he buries himself to the swollen base of his cock before cumming deep in you. He pulls back, putting his cock away before nodding once in the direction of his brother and leaving the room.

Toji steps forward, cock already aching and drooling as he approaches. He seems to soften at your fucked out, exhausted expression and twitching thighs, his features softening almost imperceptibly.

“Shhh, it's alright, little one.” He coos, voice low as he nuzzles a floppy ear so only you can hear it. He knows what it's like used and discarded by the Zen'in’s, albeit in an entirely different way. “Won't make ya take my knot. I'll be careful.”

He sheaths his cock into you slowly, guiding each inch carefully into your swollen cunt. His thumb rubs circles into your clit, hoping to give you pleasure as he chases his own. He stays still when he's buried into you fully, the head of his cock twitching as it presses firmly against your cervix. He licks at your ears gently, coaxing you to relax before he starts fucking into you.

You whine and keen under him, lips open in a silent gasp as he fucks into you. You can barely keep your eyes open, lids fluttering as you peer up at him.

“Keep your eyes open, bunny.” He purrs, tail swaying behind him. “Don't pass out on me just yet.”

You whine softly, but force your eyes open. He grabs your hips, manhandling you so he can pull you back to meet his thrusts, bullying himself into your cunt with low grunts. “So fuckin’ tight after bein’ stretched by so many cocks, lil bunny.”

The squelching sounds of your abused cunt fill the room with every shift of his hips, your moans and whines growing louder as your orgasm crashes through you once again, your walls tightening around Toji's cock. He growls at the feeling, thrusting shallowly before shooting hot ropes of white deep inside your trembling form. He stays buried inside of you for a few moments, nuzzling at your neck before pulling back, ruffling your hair between your ears.

Naobito gestures for everyone to leave once Toji redresses before he beckons your exhausted body towards him. You can't even walk straight, your body shaking with exertion as you approach him. Cum drips down your inner thighs, the sensation making you cringe.

He fishes his cock out - its hard and leaky, the tip flushed red. You whimper softly at the thought of being bred again, but he clicks his tongue to silence you. He hoists you onto his lap, ears twitching as he slowly slides you down on his length. He grunts as he bottoms out, nosing at your hair before his tongue darts out to run along the length of one of your ears.

“Shh, little bunny. Just keeping you plugged, hmm? Making sure one of those useless bastards gives our family an heir.” He coos, uncharacteristically soft. His tail sways gently, greying fur brushing the soft skin of your thigh.

“You're one of us now. Gonna be carrying Zen’in kits in you soon. I'll make sure you're looked after.” He murmurs, holding you close to his chest, large hands rubbing up and down your back.

He starts thrusting slowly, tongue coming out to lathe gently across your skin to soothe as he guides you up and down on his cock. He barely pulls out, only shifting you a few inches so it's more of a slow grind.

“You're going to take my knot, little one. Then you can relax, and I'll have the servants draw you a bath.” He murmurs against your skin, nosing at the crook of your shoulder. He's old, and his stamina wasn't what it used to be, so it's not long before he pops his knot in you.

He holds you close as he floods you with his cum, your belly feeling full from all the loads you'd taken. He reaches up to stroke one of your floppy ears, running his fingers gently along your soft fur.

“Sleep, little rabbit. I will personally see to arranging a chamber for you in the compound until we can find out who the father is.” He almost purrs, gently stroking your ears until you drift off.

[badkitty3000]

Coming Down Your Chimney

A Five Hargreeves x Female Reader Christmas Smut Request

Hey, I had an idea and I was wondering if you could write something about it? Five and y/n are married, they want to have their own children and that's why they're doing it like rabbits. Five plays Santa Claus for Diego and Lila's children, and then he fucks Y/n while wearing the costume. Y/n becomes pregnant, a Christmas miracle

Thank you, anon, I had a lot of fun writing this! Merry Christmas to all the Five fans out there! 😘🎄☂️

Warnings: Smut, mild breeding kink, Santa kink?, corny sexual innuendos, no use of y/n

The kitchen floor was a disaster as you glanced to the side, eyeing up the spilled wine and dried pasta that had been flung off the counter minutes earlier. It would be a bitch to clean up, especially with the red wine seeping slowly into the wood. You should really mop it up sooner than later to avoid any staining. As you were thinking this, your body was pulled roughly forward as Five slammed his hips against you. Your arms were splayed out to the side, your palms leaving streaks on the marble countertop as you braced yourself against another pounding. 

One minute you had been calmly preparing dinner together, and the next you were both hungry for something much more than linguine. Just one look from him; that one that made your pulse race and your panties wet, and you were both frantically ripping each other’s clothes off.

It was already the second time that day, but it didn’t matter. It could have been the tenth and you’d still be dying for him. You had been married a year but that hadn’t slowed either of you down. After Five told you he wanted to start a family with you, and you immediately agreed, the two of you had been going at it constantly. Unfortunately, it had been months and still no luck.

“Five…” you gasped out. “The wine.”

“Fuck the wine,” he hissed before gripping your thighs tighter. “You’re not going to be able to drink it after I finish with you anyway.”

Your breathy laugh turned into a moan when his cock rammed into you again. “Oh shhhhit…Five, I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Now shut up so I can put a damn baby in you.”

With another hard slam, Five was bottoming out inside of you as your fingers squeaked across the slick marble again; the lower half of your body held firmly in his grasp with your legs wrapped around him.

“Don’t…don’t come yet,” you begged through gritted teeth. 

Five’s frustrated growl was low in his throat as he slowed his pace. Grabbing your hand off the counter by your wrist, he shoved it between your legs. With his hand covering yours, he worked your fingers against your clit, pressing hard and insistently. When you let out a loud cry and thrust your hips up, he smirked.

“You like that?”

You nodded with another high-pitched moan. “Yes…keep…oh fuck…” you couldn’t finish your sentence because Five had started driving into you harder, all while keeping his and your fingers pressed against your engorged clit; the rhythm of his fucking creating a pulsing sensation that made you bite your lip and close your eyes.

With one last, rough thrust, Five had you crying out while your orgasm washed over you and he emptied himself inside of you at the same time. With his hips stuttering against you, he made sure every last drop of cum was being pumped out. After he was finished, he kept you in the same position, not pulling out just yet. You made a move to sit up before he gently pressed you back down by your shoulder.

“Just one more minute, darling,” he said breathlessly. “We want to make sure we give my guys a fighting chance to get up there.”

You laughed. “Five, maybe you missed out on sex ed when you were a kid, but they will find their way up there no matter what, I promise.”

He shook his head with a smile. “I’m not taking any chances. I have a good feeling about this particular gang.”

After a few more seconds, you started squirming around. “Five, my back hurts, can I get up now?”

Five let your legs go and he took a step back, pulling out in the process. He gave you a hand to pull you up and helped you get down from the counter. He was still panting hard, his chest covered with a thin sheen of sweat and his dark hair a mess on top of his head. Strands of it flopped over one eye and stuck to his forehead as he smiled at you with pride.

“Good game,” he said with a swift smack to your ass that had a little more force to it than was necessary. 

You jumped and rubbed at the spot with your hand, frowning. “Ow.”

But Five was already walking towards the refrigerator while you admired his tight, toned ass on the way.

“What are you doing?” you asked, turning the heat off on the stove since the water for your abandoned dinner was about to boil over. You looked around for your panties and sighed when you saw they were lying in a puddle of Bordeaux. “Damn it,” you muttered.

When you looked up again, Five was standing in front of the open fridge, downing a bottle of orange Gatorade without taking a breath. As you watched in awe, he loudly gulped down the last swallow, stuck the cap back on the now empty bottle, and chucked it over his shoulder where it bounced off the wall and clunked to the floor.

“Electrolytes,” he said as a way of explanation when he saw your confusion. “Gotta keep hydrated.”

“For what?” 

Five pushed his damp hair off his forehead, the sight of his flexed tricep drawing your attention. “According to my spreadsheets, this is prime baby making time.” He stretched and pulled his arms across his chest like he was gearing up for a marathon. “Plus, I’m on a roll now, so I don’t want to lose momentum,” he further explained while doing a few side bends.

“Ok wow, naked lunges…that’s…something you don’t see everyday.”

“Gotta limber up. Don’t pretend you’re not turned on.”

You laughed. “Shouldn’t we eat dinner first?”

You let out a yelp when he blinked directly in front of you, grabbing your ass with both hands and grinding his already growing crotch against you. He shook his head with a devious smirk. “Fuck first. Food later.” 

Then you were whisked off in another zap of blue to the bedroom. 

**************************************

It was December, and getting close to Christmas when you walked in on Five having a heated conversation with someone over the phone.

“No. No way. Absolutely not. Forget it.” Pause. “Because it’s stupid, that’s why!” Pause. “You cannot use my niece against me like that.” Pause. “I don’t care if you think I owe you a favor after kneeing you in the nuts when we were eleven! Pause. “Look, the answer is no. End of story. Not happening.”

When you gave him a questioning look, he turned away from you. Just to be nosey, you leaned in, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation. On the other end of the line, you heard Diego’s voice.

“Come on, don’t be an asshole,” Diego barked.

“Me an asshole?!” Five retorted in disbelief. “They’re your damn kids, why can’t you do it yourself? Or ask any one of our other idiot siblings?”

There was an exasperated sigh from Diego. “Like I said before…I need to be there or else it’s going to look suspicious. Luther is too big and dumb, Klaus would flake out and forget, and Viktor is like the size of an elf. So, that leaves you. Not to mention you’re the only one that can blink inside and pull off the whole ‘magical mystique’ part of it. Come on, Five…please?”

“Fuck,” Five groaned, running a hand down his face. “You do realize I’m not exactly built for this role, right?”

Diego laughed. “Yeah, I know, you’re a skinny little shit, but the suit comes with padding.”

“No! No padding. I don’t need to look like even more of a dumbass than I’m already going to.”

“So, you’ll do it?”

Finally understanding what was going on, you yelled into the phone, startling Five who hadn’t known you were listening from behind. “Five would love to play Santa for the kids, Diego! Tell Lila to bring the suit by and I’ll make sure he’s all dressed and ready on time for Christmas Eve!”

“What the fuck?” Five said to you, his eyebrows creased together in that way that always made you laugh. “Thanks a lot.”

You grinned as he hung up the phone. “You know you were going to do it anyway. I was just moving the process along.”

“I’m going to look like an asshole,” he grumbled.

“Well, Five, you are an asshole, so it fits,” you giggled before planting a kiss onto his mouth that was set in a straight line of annoyance. “But you are my adorable asshole who will look very sexy in a Santa suit.”

**********************************

When Christmas Eve arrived, Five tried to back out of the deal.

“No way…this isn’t happening…I told you,” he insisted while you just looked at him with your hands on your hips.

“Five, come on. You’re doing this and that’s that. Diego and Lila are already expecting you and you can’t let them down.

“I don’t care,” he protested weakly.

You gave him a soft kiss. “Five Hargreeves, you can pretend you’re a hard ass all you want, but we both know you are as soft as a teddy bear when it comes to those kids.” You shoved the Santa hat in his hands. “Which is one of the many, many reasons I love you.”

“You know, you’re very cute but you’re a giant pain in the ass.”

You nodded. “I’m aware. No go on, go get changed.”

Parked outside of Diego and Lila’s house, Five continued to sulk. When you glanced over at him in the passenger seat, you let out a loud laugh. He was glowering in his usual fashion whenever things weren’t going his way, but all while wearing a red-velvet Santa suit, complete with fake beard and hat with a little white puff on the end.

“Five…are you the Grinch or Santa? Come on, you can’t be that ornery, you’re supposed to be jolly.”

He looked at you with what you assumed was a scowl, but was hidden under the white polyester beard. “I am not, nor will I ever be, jolly.”

You sighed, starting to get fed up with his attitude. “Stop acting like this is going to kill you. Just shut the fuck up, blink inside, and try to be a decent Santa. Otherwise you’re going to have one disappointed niece, a very angry brother, and a wife that will not be going anywhere near your North pole later tonight, if you catch my drift.”

His frown deepened. “That’s not fair.”

With a shrug, you opened the car door and stepped out. “Don’t forget the bag!” you reminded him as you closed the door and headed for the house.

You had texted Diego on the way so he, Lila, and the kids were already gathered in the living room. When you walked inside, Grace ran to you and hugged you around your waist.

“You’re here!” The little girl peeked behind you. “Where’s Uncle Five?”

“Oh, he was busy, he couldn’t make it. He said to tell you hello and that he’ll see you tomorrow at the family Christmas party.”

“Oh ok,” Grace said, obviously disappointed. Then a smile returned to her face. “Guess what? We’re going to a parade later. My dad said we’re all going to freeze our freaking asses off, but my mom told him to stop being a baby and man up.”

With a laugh, you looked at Lila, who was busy holding a squirming toddler. “Well, you are being a big baby, Diego,” she said to her husband.

“I’m not being a baby and we are going to freeze our asses off,” Diego grumbled while carrying the other twin on his hip.

Just then, there was a blue flash of light and Five appeared in front of the fireplace, with his costume on and the bag of presents that you had made him bring slung over his shoulder. You could tell he was still not happy, but he looked a little less grumpy than he had been in the car.

Grace shrieked. “Santa!” 

“Wow…it is Santa!” Diego said excitedly before giving Five a stern look. “Hey, Santa…don’t you usually say ‘Ho ho ho’?”

You watched with a smile as Five’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“Ho. Ho. Ho,” he deadpanned.

Being six years old, Grace was immune to her dad’s or her uncle’s sarcasm and she ran to Five, jumping up and down with glee. “Santa! You’re real!”

“Of course, I’m real,” Five said in his normal, clipped and irritated tone. Then, after seeing the judgmental looks from the other adults in the room, rolled his eyes and deepened his voice. “I came to visit you because you’ve been so good this year and I apparently had time in my very busy schedule to just drop in for a random chat.”

Grace looked out the window. “Where’s your reindeer?”

“I had to put them down,” Five said dryly until Lila cleared her throat with an icy glare. “Downtown. I left them downtown for the parade. They needed to rest.”

“Then how did you get here?”

“Oh, right. Well, I have a backup engine on the sleigh. Which is parked on the roof right now, so don’t even ask me why you can’t see it.”

Grace eyed him up suspiciously. Then she poked him in the stomach. “Why aren’t you chubby like in the pictures?”

Five grinned and looked over at you. “Because Mrs. Claus has been very stingy with her baking these days, so I’m not eating as many cookies and pies as I usually do.” He gave you a wink. “Even though I love eating her pie.”

You tried to hold in a laugh, but it came out as a quiet snort while you looked down at your feet. You heard Lila mutter “Ugh, gross,” under her breath.

Grace’s face lit up. “That’s ok! We have cookies for you!” She hurried over to the nearby dining table and grabbed a plate full of messily-decorated Christmas cookies, bringing them back to Five and handing them to him. “Here! I baked them just for you.”

Five smiled as he took the plate. “These look delicious.”

“Oh, wait! I almost forgot,” she said before going back to the table and returning with an opened bottle of beer. “Here. I wanted to give you milk, but my dad said you’d like this more.”

Five looked up at Diego, who was grinning. Five nodded a thanks to his brother as he took the bottle. “He was right. Thank you, Grace.”

“So, Santa, I bet you want to know what Grace wants for Christmas, right?” Diego asked with added emphasis.

“Oh right! Yes, absolutely,” Five said, setting down the cookies and beer on a side table. He sat down in one of the arm chairs.

Grace immediately climbed up onto his lap, her little face shining with innocence and wonder as she gazed up at Five’s fake-bearded face. He beamed down at her and the image melted your heart. You started to imagine all of the cute moments like this that would surely happen once you and Five had your own children. You had no doubt that Five would make an amazing dad, despite his usual old-man grumpiness. He had been through so much in his life and he deserved to have a family of his own. You just hoped you would be able to give him one.

As you were daydreaming about that, Grace began rattling off all of the things she wanted to get for Christmas. With each thing that she mentioned, Five would glance quickly over to Diego, where his brother would give him a thumbs up or a thumbs down, indicating whether or not they had bought those gifts for her already. Five would either agree or make up some excuse as to why he couldn’t bring her that particular gift.

“And a pony!” Grace added at the end of her very long list.

Diego and Lila both gave very emphatic thumbs down. Five shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but I can’t bring you a pony.”

“Why not?”

“Because it won’t fit in the sleigh.”

“But doesn’t your sleigh fit all kinds of presents?”

“Uh, yes…but ponies don’t like to fly.”

“What about pegasuses?”

“Those aren’t real.”

“Yes they are.”

“No, they are not.”

“Yes they are.”

“No…” Five continued to argue through gritted teeth. “They are not.”

“Ok!” Diego broke in, clapping his hands together loudly. “I think it’s time for Santa to wrap things up.”

Five gestured to the bag of gifts he had left on the floor. “I did bring you some presents early. Why don’t you go check them out?”

As Grace jumped down from his lap and ran over to the bag to peer inside, Lila plopped the twins on to Five’s lap, one on each leg. They were really too young to understand what was going on or talk in any real way, but they peered up at Five and babbled away. Diego took pictures of the adorable scene while Five chuckled when one of them tried to pull on his beard. Five looked over at you and smiled warmly. 

After a few minutes, as Grace was happily pulling out her toys that you had picked out for her, she turned to her parents. “Ok, now you guys have to sit on Santa’s lap.”

“NO!” Diego, Lila, and Five all exclaimed at the same time.

You laughed out loud as you looked at their horrified faces, while Grace just looked confused. You decided to try and save the situation a little bit. “I’ll sit on his lap,” you said with a smile.

Lila rolled her eyes before taking the twins off, while Five grinned and patted his leg. “Well, come on over.”

As you sat in Five’s lap, your red sweater dress rose up a little over your bare thigh and he rested his hand on it, sending a warm tingling sensation up your spine.

“So, tell me…” Five said with a gleam in his eye. “Have you been naughty or nice this year?”

You pretended to think about it. “I’m not sure. A little of both maybe?”

“Hmmm…it’s not good to be naughty. Naughty girls don’t get presents.”

You stuck out your bottom lip and twisted a finger in his fake beard. “I’m sorry, Santa…I promise I’ll be a good girl from now on.”

Five’s hand moved a little higher up your thigh and he gave it a squeeze. “You better be. Or else Santa might have to spank you.”

“Oh, good lord,” Lila huffed out before grabbing the beer that Five left on the table and taking a swig.

“Aren’t you going to tell him what presents you want?” Grace asked as she busied herself with her new Play-Doh Fun Factory.

“Yes, tell me young lady, what can Santa bring you?” Five asked.

You adjusted yourself on his lap and leaned in so you could whisper near his ear. “I want Santa to stuff my stocking with his entire load later tonight.”

Five inhaled sharply, letting out a shocked cough. You giggled when he had to shift in his seat to avoid you rubbing too much against his junk. “Wow…ok…” he stammered before getting a grip again. “I think Santa can manage that.”

Making sure that Grace wasn’t looking, you pulled Five’s beard down, stretching the elastic past his chin as you gave him a sensual, opened mouthed kiss before letting it snap into place again. You heard Five let out a little groan under his breath, which made you smirk with satisfaction. Then you hopped off his lap, walking away with an extra bounce in your step as he stared hungrily after you.

After a few more minutes of Five chatting with Grace and making sure he ate one of her cookies and telling her how good it was, Lila checked the clock.

“I think it’s time for Santa to get going and then we can head to the parade!”

Grace jumped up. “Awww…can’t Santa come with us?”

“No, sorry kiddo,” Lila answered. “Santa has lots of other kids to visit tonight, remember?”

With a heavy sigh and a nod, Grace looked up at Five who you could tell was itching to get out of there and back home. “Thank you for my presents.”

Five smiled sweetly down at her. “You’re welcome, Gracie. Merry Christmas.”

Again, you got that warm feeling in your stomach watching how sweet he was being with his niece. Especially since you knew how much he hadn’t wanted to do this. He really was just a big softy inside. At least when it came to his family.

Grace turned to you again. “Will Santa come down your chimney later?”

You almost choked as you tried desperately not to make a comment or start laughing. You could see Five was trying to do the same, although he was looking gleefully over at you waiting for your response. Diego heard and shook his head, even though he was trying to hold back a laugh as well.

“I sure hope so,” you said with as much of a serious face as you could manage. “I’ll be up all night just waiting for Santa to come all the way down my chimney. Maybe more than once.”

Grace frowned. “He only comes once.”

“Oh really? Only once?” you asked with fake disappointment.

“Well, maybe Santa is tired or had too much to drink,” Five muttered under his breath and you bit the inside of your cheek to stifle your laugh.

“OK!” Diego yelled loudly, as he stepped into the middle of your wildly inappropriate conversation, shooting you and Five angry looks. “Time to get ready for the parade!”

As Lila was bundling up the twins and Diego was trying to wrestle Grace into her winter coat and boots, she pulled away from him to run back to Five. He saw her coming and crouched down to get at her level. His niece threw her little arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

“I love you, Santa,” she said and her parents let out a loud “Awww”.

Then she leaned in closer to Five’s ear, but you could still hear her. “I know it’s you, Uncle Five.”

You put a hand over your mouth to try and hide your surprise while Five looked up to make sure Diego and Lila weren’t listening. He whispered back. “How did you know?”

Grace rolled her eyes. “Santa doesn’t blink, silly. Duh.”

Five laughed and nodded. “You are so smart. I should have known I couldn’t fool you.”

She giggled and then whispered conspiratorially to him again. “Don’t tell my mom and dad, though. They think you really are Santa.”

Biting back a laugh, Five nodded. “Good idea. I wouldn’t want to spoil it for them.”

Grace gave him one more hug before going back to her dad to finish getting ready. Five looked up at you and you both grinned at the cuteness overload that just happened.

“Alright, well, I have to go deliver gifts to all of the boys and girls in the world, which is entirely possible to do in one single night, so I’ll see you later,” Five said as he stood back up. “You two,” he said, pointing at Diego and Lila, “You should appreciate your older brother more. He has to put up with a lot from you assholes.” He looked over at you and gave you another wink. “And you. You better be a good girl. Santa’s always watching.” Then he was gone in another blue flash. 

“Oh, shit, we have to go. Parking is going to be a nightmare,” Lila said as she checked her watch. She looked around the messy living room, noticing the Play-Doh that had already been smashed into the carpet. “Damn it, I don’t have time to clean up and everyone’s coming over tomorrow. We won’t be home until late, either.”

“I can do it,” you offered.

“Yeah?”

“Sure, no problem. You guys go, and I’ll clean up. I’ll lock up behind me when I leave.”

“Oh, you’re a lifesaver!” Lila gushed. Then she motioned for Diego and Grace to start moving out the front door, while she hoisted both twins up on either hip. “Let’s go, guys! There’s a spiked hot chocolate waiting with Mommy’s name on it.” 

As soon as the happy family was in their car and pulling out of the driveway, you were startled when Five suddenly blinked inside the house, appearing directly next to you, and still wearing the full Santa suit.

“Shit!” you exclaimed, a hand on your heart. “You scared me!”

“Well, I was freezing my balls out there behind the house, waiting for them to leave.”

You laughed. “Sorry about your balls. If there was a fire, I’d say you could warm them up by the Yule log.” You paused, thinking with a frown. “What even is a Yule log, anyway? I never understood that.”

Five grinned evilly and yanked your body to him as you let out a shriek. “I got your Yule log right here, honey.”

“Five…” you giggled as he started covering you with small kisses while the cheap beard tickled your cheeks and neck. Then you put a hand on his chest as you shifted your body, sliding up against something hard at the front of his pants. “Whoa…you weren’t kidding.”

“Told you,” he smirked.

“I knew I was being flirty, but I didn’t think I got you that wound up.”

“Darling, everything you do gets me wound up. But you were doing much more than flirting, sitting there in my lap, in that dress, and saying those dirty things. You knew exactly what you were doing.”

You smiled coyly, reaching up to unhook the beard from around his ears and take it off. “I do like the Santa thing, I won’t lie. But I never did like men with facial hair.”

“Good thing you didn’t know me back when I was older.”

With a laugh you threw the beard on the floor and planted a big kiss on his mouth. “For anyone else, that would be such a weird sentence.”

Five pulled you in tighter, the hard bulge under the red pants digging hard into your hip. “What do you say we head home and I can take a crack at that chimney for you.”

You pressed your body against his, the crushed velvet soft as it brushed against your skin. You ran your hands down his arms and chest. “I’m not sure I can wait to get home. I don’t know what it is, but you are killing me in this.”

Five looked around. “Here? In my brother’s house?”

You shrugged and reached around to squeeze his butt. “Why not? They won’t be home for hours. They’ll never know.”

Five looked down at you with a wicked leer before blinking again, this time taking you with him, as he landed perfectly seated in one of the kitchen chairs and you sitting sideways on his lap again. “How about you finish telling Santa what you want?”

When you adjusted yourself to straddle his lap, your sweater dress pulled almost all of the way up to your waist. You ground your groin harder into his, while draping your arms over his shoulders. With his hands gripping your hips, you pushed your chest against him as you leaned in for a kiss. “I’m afraid I have been very, very naughty,” you purred while plucking the red and white hat off his head and throwing it behind you.

As Five looked down between you, he saw what you were referring to and moved his hand to your hair, intertwining his fingers in it, while letting out a low rumble from his throat. “No panties? Fuck, you are so bad.”

“Can I still be on the nice list?” you asked, blinking innocently.

“I think we can work something out.”

At that, you were attacking his mouth with your own, smothering him in deep, urgent kisses while his other hand roamed under your dress to your bare hip underneath. He stoked your smooth skin, moving down your thigh and back up again, as he returned every heated kiss with just as much fervor. You wanted him. You needed him. And you were totally going to fuck him in his silly, stupid Santa suit like your life depended on it.

“Five,” you gasped in between eager bites and licks at his lips, your hands resting on either side of his face while you devoured him. “I need your cock.”

“Shit…” he groaned, jerking you closer and making your bare pussy drag along the soft material of his pants. “You are filthy today.”

“Are you complaining?” you asked, dipping your head down to suck more kisses along his neck.

Five closed his eyes as he tipped his head back. “Not in the least.”

When Five moved his hand between your legs, stroking you with his long fingers like he knew you loved, you whimpered into the crook of his neck. 

“Well, don’t stop now, naughty girl,” Five said quietly next to your ear while he sunk two fingers inside you and you rocked against his hand. “Keep talking.”

You lifted your head to look him in the eyes, the deep green of his irises gleaming with lust. Letting out little grunts while you rode his fingers, you clutched onto his shoulders.

“I want that big, hard cock of yours deep inside me. I want you to fill me all the way up with your hot cum. And I want you to do it now.”

“Damn it, you’re hot like this,” he breathed out, right before removing his fingers from you. 

You couldn’t wait any longer, and you began hurriedly trying to get in his pants, but the stupid suit was complicated. Finally figuring it out, you undid the large black belt that went around his waist and tossed that to the side. Then you unbuttoned the big red coat, opening it wide to reveal the white undershirt he had on underneath and running your hands down his firm chest. With the bulk of that out of the way, your hands dropped to the front of his pants, fumbling with the button that kept them closed.

Five laughed when you made a frustrated growling noise. He reached down to help you out, finally getting them undone enough to get at what you wanted.

Shoving a hand inside his pants, Five paused and held your gaze with a slight smirk. “Santa’s got a big package for you, baby.”

You tried to keep a straight face, but you failed and started giggling while Five’s grin grew wider. Your laughter subsided, however, when he pulled out his generous package and rubbed it against your wet slit. With a loud moan, you thrust your hips to move back and forth over his hard shaft. 

“Give it to me, Five,” you whined desperately.

“That’s no way to get back on the nice list, sweetheart,” he teased while gripping your hips and steadying you over him.

You let out an annoyed huff, but at this point you would do anything to have him fuck you. “Please, Five…”

“Five?” he asked with one eyebrow raised, just to be a jerk.

With a smile and a shake of your head, you played along. You’re the one that wanted to fuck him in a Santa suit, so you couldn’t be that surprised that he would make you work for it.

“Please, Santa,” you begged, burying your face into the side of his neck again, and brushing it softly with your lips. “I want you to shove that package inside my sleigh.” It was a pretty lame innuendo, but your brain was only half functioning at the moment. 

You heard Five exhale a soft laugh and you smiled into his neck. Then he was lining himself up and letting you sink slowly onto his cock. With a muffled cry, you felt him penetrate you as deeply as possible.

“Oh fff-uuuck…” you groaned out, pulling back to look him in the face again. 

With his dark eyebrows creased together and his mouth partly open as he concentrated on the amazing feeling of being inside of you, he managed to look even sexier. His hands grasped tightly to your hips as he started to move you over him. 

When you looked into his eyes, your arms wrapped around his shoulders and your hands on the back of his neck, you were suddenly taken over by an intense wave of love for him. Flashes of your life together flooded your mind. He had been hard to crack open in the beginning, but he eventually opened himself up to you. From there, he had to learn how to navigate a real relationship, but you stuck with him through all of the ups and downs. Even now, a year after your marriage, there were challenges. Being married to Five wasn’t always easy, but loving him was. 

You leaned in to kiss him, softly and tenderly, while your fingers wound lightly into the hair at the nape of his neck. His steady pace of thrusting your body over his cock started to slow as he reacted to your kiss. He gently traced one hand down your cheek.

“Five,” you said quietly as your mouths parted, and you rested your forehead against his. “All I really want for Christmas is to give you a family. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to.”

“Darling,” he responded with a small smile, rubbing a thumb over your lips. “You have nothing to be sorry about. You have made me the happiest man in the world, and nothing will change that. Kids or no kids.” 

With that, you let him take control again, thrusting his cock up into you while sliding your hot core back and forth, his fingers digging into your sides. Your deep, ravenous kisses were only interrupted by sharp gasps and whines as you clutched onto the back of the chair and tried to match the rhythmic motion of his fucking.

When a particularly rough drive had you pulling away with a loud cry, you pressed your cheek to his, your breath labored as you continued to ride him. “Oh god…you’re so deep.”

“I know sweetheart, but can you give me any more?” he breathed next to your ear. “You feel so fucking good.”

You spread your legs further apart, pressing down as far as possible, forcing his dick deeper, until it felt like it was going to stab you in the stomach. Five grunted through a clenched jaw as he put all of his concentration into his calculated fucking.

“Oh shit…” you breathed out, tucking your face into the side of his neck again. “Put a baby in me, Five.”

“Fuck yes I’m going to put a baby in you. I….oh, fffuck…” Five groaned huskily as he emptied himself inside you.

Your body gave in at the same time, clenching and shuddering around him as he held you tightly to his chest, his hips bucking up sporadically. He panted against your shoulder, his mouth pressed hotly against you while he moaned quietly with each eruption of cum that coated your insides.

As you both tried to catch your breath, you stayed wrapped in his arms with your head resting on his chest. Neither of you made a move to get up, and Five caressed your hair while giving you soft kisses to your temple.

After a minute, you raised your head with a dreamy smile and kissed him, brushing a stray piece of hair off his forehead.

“Maybe it’ll be a Christmas miracle,” you said hopefully.

“Maybe so. But if not, that’s ok too. I have you and that’s more than enough.”

“I love you so much, Five.”

“I love you too, darling.”

*****************************************

A year later, on Christmas day, you were back at Diego and Lila’s house, which was loud and packed with the entire family. There was wrapping paper strewn all over the floor, empty glasses and plates piled up on every surface, and the smell of roast turkey still hung in the air. Everyone was happy, stuffed full of food, and partly drunk. It had been a great party, but you were ready to head home for the night. Looking around for Five, you spotted him across the room, talking with Luther.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I think we should head home. Someone needs to get to bed.”

When Five turned around, he pointed to the sleeping baby snuggled up against his chest. “Too late, she fell asleep listening to her Uncle Luther’s boring ass story.”

“Hey!” Luther said with a hurt puppy dog expression. “My story about moon rock classification was not boring.” He paused. “Wait…was it?”

You laughed and reached for your three month-old daughter, taking her from Five while she stirred and let out a big yawn before dozing off again. “Come here, Holly,” you said quietly, kissing the top of her little head. “Let’s go home.”

While Five packed up the eight million baby items you had brought with you, in addition to all of the gifts the family had heaped on her, you watched with a loving smile. Who would have predicted that one impulsive, oddly kinky, but very sexy screw on Christmas Eve just one year earlier would have led to this? You had your perfect family with Five. And that was all you ever wanted.

After everything was put in the car, Five blinked next to you, wearing a devious grin and a red Santa hat on his head.

“Look what I found in the back of the trunk,” he said, pointing to the hat. “Want to try and give Holly a little brother or sister?”

With a giggle, you shook your head. “Very tempting, but ask me sometime when I’m not so sleep deprived I can barely see straight.” You gave him a kiss, your hand resting on the side of his face. “You do look good in that, though.”

At that moment, Diego came wandering up with a smart-ass smile. He gave Five a hard clap on the back. “Look at you guys. I can’t believe my feral little brother is all domesticated now. I never would have thought.”

“I’m twenty eight years older than you, asshole,” Five reminded him with a frown.

Diego shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. “Whatever. I’m still shocked as hell.” He turned to you with your little daughter in your arms, cocking his head to the side. “Are you sure Holly is really Five’s? She’s way too cute to be related to his grumpy ass.”

As Diego laughed at his own joke and you resisted your own, Five put an arm around you with that not-so-amused expression of his. “Ready to go, darling?” When you nodded, he turned back to his brother. Plopping the Santa hat onto Diego’s head, Five smirked. “By the way, Diego, your niece was conceived in that chair over there. And yes, I was still wearing the suit.”

As Diego stood staring dumbfounded, the gears in his head turning as he tried to piece together what Five was saying, it suddenly dawned on him and his mouth dropped open. “Wait…WHAT?”

“Merry Christmas,” Five said sweetly, right before blinking away; taking his new little family with him for the ride.

[mylittleredgirl]

how did you get your tv growing up? (if you had multiple houses or technologies, pick the one you most identify with your formative childhood tv experience)

op's formative tv experience was in a rural area with rabbit ears in the 90s, but before 18 i lived in a place with every one of these except satellite. rotary antenna is its own category because i will never forget the day when a friend's family put one in. the sheer power of turning that knob and seeing a wholeass giant roof antenna turning around and then you can pick up the x-files?? fucking religious experience.

[zipper-ghost]

Based on a fic I'm working on where Kim and Harry have to go undercover at a gay club

Read the fic on ao3

(lines in bold are Harry’s skills talking. I haven't specified but you can guess)

A chill wind whips their faces as they step onto the precinct roof. They huddle together, facing each other, Harry’s broad body blocking the wind which would snuff out the lighter flame. Kim lit his cigarette and then lit Harry’s. Harry recently switched from Menthols to Kim’s brand of chestnut-flavored cigarettes. Kim hasn’t asked about it even though he noticed.

As the smoke fills his lungs Kim’s whole body visibly relaxes. A softness falls across his expression, his gaze grows distant. You don’t know if it’s the ritual of smoking at the end of the day or the nicotine. The smoldering end of the cigarette is reflected in Kim’s glasses, as are you. They lean against the railing and watch the sunset over the horizon in silence. Harry waits for Kim to start. 

The jingling of Kim unzipping his jacket makes Harry stand a bit straighter and bite the filter for his cigarette. 

“Shall we start?” Kim says taking out his notebook and flipping it open. 

You nod, trying not to linger on Kim’s now exposed collarbone. 

“How do you think the investigation is going?”

“Bad.”

“Kmn, we seem to have hit a dead end. Even though we’ve made contact with the suspect the name he has been using in the club scene seems to be an alias. And his tattoo doesn’t seem to be related to any known gang or criminal organization. We are still waiting for the lab to get back to us about the particular strain of hallucinogen that was in the victim’s system.” 

“It’s worrying…”

“What is?”

“Well, the drug the victim overdosed on- it’s not something we’ve come across before. There is a chance that there will be more overdoses like this.”

“We can look into who the suspect’s supplier might be.”

“He might not have a supplier here.”

Kim glances at Harry. “Why do you say that?”

“The suspect is Seraise. They said he was bragging about being an aerostatic pilot on leave. Maybe he brought the drugs from the Safre empire, would that be possible to find out?”

“I can look into it.” 

For a moment it is silent except for the sound of Kim’s pen on paper. A motor carriage speeds across the street below. Sodium street lights are switched on as the sky grows darker and stars begin to appear one by one. 

“How long do you think we have until he returns to Safre?”

Kim taps the page with the back of his pen. “It’s hard to tell. He has been here awhile, might be any day now.” 

“He probably won’t come to that club anymore,” Harry adds.

Kim’s eyes crinkle. He is smiling though only you would notice. 

“No,” Kim says, “not after you scared him off.”

“I didn’t scare- I am perfectly capable of flirting.”

“Sure, you are,” Kim replies around his cigarette, his flat words dripping with sarcasm. 

“I am! I was just not his type is all. He must be into twinkles-”

“Twinks,” Kim corrects. “Like our victim.”

“Hm.” Harry exhales a plume of white smoke that dissolves into the night. 

“So Kim, what’s your type? Twinks, bears, otters, cubs, tigers, rabbits?”

Kim’s face remains unreadable but his shoulders tense, the pages of his notebook crinkle under his grip. 

He answers after a brief but notable pause. “I don’t have a type. And you made up the last few at the end.”

“Everyone has a type! Are you saying you have no preferences when it comes to who you find attractive?”

“I’m more interested in personalities.”

“You’re such a fucking liar. Come on Kim.”

“Enough detective. We are still in the middle of our briefing and this is irrelevant to-”

“This is relevant to the case,” Harry insists. 

“Fine,” Kim says begrudgingly. “If I had to describe it, it’s say my taste in men is … questionable.”

“Questionable? What does that mean?”

“It means I’m attracted to men who are bad for me or impossibly out of reach. Now if you are satisfied can we get back to the case?”

Harry smiles. If you are smart about it, you could get more information from Kim. “Well your answer was kind of a cop-out but I’ll let it go for now.”

Kim furrows his brow at Harry, a look that says ‘Don’t you dare.’

You feel your knees buckle under the force of Kim’s glare. You grab the railing with one hand. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me about my type?”

“I don’t have to. I already know.”

“What? How do you already know?”

Kim turns back to his notebook and pretends to read. “Because it is obvious. You like them young, waifish, and pretty. Someone mysterious and fragile, someone who you can save.”

Someone to be your redemption. 

“That- that's not true- not everyone that-” Harry stutters. Kim’s blatant description of Dora throws you off kilter. Talking about her is taboo. Even though Kim knows about her and what she did to you he had never brought it up. He knows you still have nightmares of her. 

“Well, just in Martinaise there was Klaasje, Lilienne, the smoker on the balcony, and-”

“Wait- the smoker on the balcony?”

Kim raises an eyebrow. “You were smitten. You went on and on about him, ‘he is such a good listener, I felt heard when I talked to him. He smelled so good, how can someone smell so good?” Kim covers his mouth to hide his condescending grin. 

A formless darkness claws inside you. It feels terrible to be judged, to be teased, but you can’t quite put into words what you are feeling, or why

“You sound jealous,” Harry snaps back. 

Kim sighs. “I’m not jealous. I’m a detective and I notice patterns of behaviour.”

“Well you're plain wrong in this case. You’re not like that-”

“I’m not like what?” 

“Like…” Harry’s breath stutters in his chest. Kim isn’t like Dora or Klaasje or Lilienne or the smoker on the balcony. He isn’t like them and still…

You look at Kim’s cigarette and feel a pang of jealousy. You wish to be that cigarette cradled between his lips. You want to burn into ash, you want to be the bitterness on Kim’s tongue. You want to be the smoke filling his lungs, the nicotine flooding his bloodstream. You want to be Kim’s addiction, you want to be part of him, deep and inextricable. 

“I…” A tidal wave of desire crashes through you but you can’t say the words.

Kim snaps his notebook close. “I guess we’ve reached the end of the briefing. Our conversation is no longer productive.” He tosses his half-smoked cigarette to the ground and crushes the lit ember beneath the heel of his boot. 

His face is unreadable as usual but Kim is upset. 

Damn it. You’ve fucked up Harry. 

Harry follows Kim down the stairs from the roof. 

“I’m sorry Kim, I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

“I’m not angry Officer. It’s late and we won’t any more progress today, you should go home early.”

He is lying, if he isn’t mad he wouldn’t call you ‘officer’

[cryptidghostgirl]

*Shuffles in* HEWWWOO

I GOT ANOTHER (I'm so sorry) Alastor x Chubby!Reader 😔

(This might seem weird and so so strange but I swear it's not perverted and shouldn't be seen as such)

Magic is in hell, yeah??? SOOO what if Alastor tries to his dark voodoo sprinkle magic but IT BACKFIRES or something while he tries to fix that one wall in the show that keeps getting destroyed or helping charlie with something 🤔 and he turns into A KID BUT A HUMAN KID BACK WHEN HE WAS ALIVE and everyone kinda justs bombards him with questions and comments (not Husk in the background smirking because Alastor is an asshole to him so he's planning all the ways he can get his revenge, Charlie freaking out, Angel cooing at his cuteness, vaggie cursing up a storm, niffty sulking because he's no longer a bad boy) and I would imagine that child Alastor is kinda like '🥹who are all these weird creatures, where am I, where's momma' ...😭 chaos ensues, Alastor just wants his momma so he's crying as loud as he can because 'I'm lost' (HES A MOMMAS BOY AND I FEEL AS A KID HE WAS INNOCENT AND SWEET) the hazbin hotel residents immediately try to calm him down but he only gets louder THEN LIKE AN ACTUAL ANGEL here comes reader back from shopping or waking up and is welcomed to all the commotion, and after making her presence known Alastor just sniffles at her, tears streaming down his face 😢 reader immediately going to tiny Alastor to help and tiny Alastor who thinks reader is a fairy? Angel?? Goddess?? Some warm welcoming figure that he's gonna marry (like playground kids sometimes do??) so he's calming when she goes to help him,' he's been kidnapped' looking back at the hazbin gang, more tears coming, reader immediately going into caretaker mode and cares for him throughout the whole ordeal, while Alastor gushes about his momma or talkinging readers ear off about anything and everything (Charlie figures out it only lasts all day somehow) so Alastor sticks with reader and helps her with her duties at the hotel, never leaving her side, at the end of the day before he goes to bed

Angel teases tiny Alastor about reader being his mommy que reader blushing and sputtering from reader only for Alastor to turn to Angel with disgust and determination on his face to proudly announce to Angel that reader is gonna be HIS WIFE INSTEAD only for husk to scoff in the background and says something about Alastor being a smiley freak or something for Alastor to doubt that reader will marry him, that thats never gonna happen, only for reader to kiss Alastor on the forehead and declare that that doesn't change anything because Alastor has always owned her heart, something sweet???? To reassure kid Alastor then reader takes Alastor to his hotel room to sleep, to later on in the night to sneak into readers bed because 'momma cuddles with me till I fall asleep', sleepy cuddles, soothing humming for child Alastor to ask before he falls asleep if reader really will marry him when he's older and Reader half asleep herself and full of love for the man he'll grow to be says yes, but to take her out first or get her flowers ya know???

When reader wakes the next morning to flowers surrounding her bed and her favorite breakfast presented to her with a bashful adult Alastor saying he's kept his side of the deal now its readers turn, readers faces lights up and smiles big enough to hurt her cheeks and they date and get married ☺️😣

(I'm sorry it's a weird request and soooooo fucking long but .....please..)

A/N I literally love you and your requests. Hi. Also I am making her a rabbit again because I feel like that would be something that a kid would not find scary and would be very excited about as a demon form.

Mishap of Magic (Alastor x Chubby!Rabbit Demon!Reader)

Pairing: Alastor x Reader

Warnings: Nothing except that Alastor is a little kid for most of this fic.

Word Count: 3,463

Master Lists:

Master Lists 

Hazbin Hotel Master List

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It wasn't the first time it had happened to Alastor but, it had certainly been a while since the last time he'd had to deal with such an issue. Magic was a fickle thing, obstinate at the best of times. He had found a certain agreement of sorts with the metaphysical but, it still backfired on occasion.

Alastor had been trying to fix the wall -- the fucking wall. Somehow, every time there was an issue with the hotel, this same exterior wall was involved. It was inconceivable and deeply irritating, especially now that it had been the trigger. Alastor could feel the world shifting, feel himself shrinking and then, nothing.

"Uh, what the fuck?" Vaggie broke the silence, stress seeping into her voice.

"Oh my gosh! Vaggie!" Charlie exclaimed, grabbing onto her girlfriend's arm and shaking it violently, a bright smile lighting up her face, "He looks like a little kid!"

"Damn," Angel laughed lightly, "who woulda guessed the strawberry pimp was actually a cute at one point in time."

Alastor looked around in confusion. A tangle of limbs, wild creatures and bright colors. Husk smirked, trying to hold a derisive laugh at bay as he placed a bottle on the shelf of the bar.

"Charlie," Vaggie sighed, turning to her overexcited partner who at the moment was cooing over how small Alastor had become, "you do realize we have to change him back."

All the joy fell from Charlie's face in an instant.

"Hey, uh, little guy?" Pentious began, awkwardly advancing towards Alastor, "You wouldn't happen to know how we can fix this? I-"

"Stay away!"

His voice was small and shrill, panicked as Alastor backed away from Pentious' advancement. Sir Pentious stopped in his tracks and Charlie let go of Vaggie, coming up beside him.

"It's okay, Alastor." she said in a tone of voice that was trying very hard to be everything except for panicked, which is what it actually was, "He's not going to attack you.''

It became evident almost immediately that that had in fact been the wrong thing for Charlie to say. Alastor's eyes filled with sudden tears.

"Where... stay away from me!" he exclaimed, "My momma told me not to talk to strangers."

Charlie and Vaggie exchanged a glance and Charlie sighed.

"We're not strangers, we're you're friends. I am Charlie, that is Vaggie, Husk is in the bar, this is Angel, and here is Sir Pentious. Remember?"

"I don't know any of you scary things!" Alastor exclaimed, tears beginning to drip from his wide, wet eyes and roll down his cheeks, "I... I want my mommy. Where is my mommy?"

"Oh! No no no!" Charlie exclaimed, trying to reach a comforting hand out to the child but he backed away again.

"Where is my mama!" he yelled, now absolutely sobbing, "I want... I want..."

He sniffled, trying to catch his breath as he looked frantically around the room. Charlie turned to Vaggie, pulling at her hair.

"What do we do!" she asked her girlfriend who shrugged, as much at a loss of how to handle the situation as her partner was.

"Man, if I 'da known he was this cute and... and frail under that whole persona all along." Angel sighed wistfully, crossing his lower set of arms.

This time Husk really couldn't stop the laugh that left him. Before anyone could ask what was so funny, if he knew anything about what was going on, the doors to the hotel opened and Y/n waltzed in. Her arms were laden with bags and she wore a bright, sunny smile.

"Al!" she called out, closing the door gently behind her, "You'll never guess what I found at the market!"

"Um, Y/n?" Sir Pentious tentatively began, taking a step towards her as she turned to the group.

"Fresh strawberries!"

As her eyes fell on the scene before her, the smile fell from her face, replaced with an expression of alarm. The bags fell from her grasp, spilling groceries across the floor as she rushed to the young Alastor's side. His mouth was slightly open, tears still falling openly from his eyes, as she crouched before him. The white skirt of her dress pooled gently on the floor around her feet as she raised a handkerchief to his face, gently patting his cheeks with its edge.

"What on earth is going on?" she asked softly, her voice laced delicately with concern.

"Well, Alastor was fixing the wall and then he just... poofed? I don't know! We don't know what happened and we don't know how to fix it and he keeps asking for his mom and... and... and..." Charlie trailed off, looking around helplessly at her companions.

Y/n's gentle gaze never once left Alastor's. She smiled softly at him.

"I see, are you lost?"

Alastor nodded weakly, sniffing once.

"And there are all these big scary monsters around!" he told her.

"Ah, I see." Y/n sagely replied, "Am I a big scary monster too?"

She didn't mean it in any way except as an attempt to assess the situation further. Alastor's cheeks flushed slightly pink as he shook his head, looking away bashfully. Y/n smiled softly, turning his face gently back to her.

"Would you like to stay with me until we can figure out what is going on?"

The tears had stopped now and Alastor nodded enthusiastically. Y/n dabbed the last remains of saltwater from his cheeks, slipping the handkerchief into her pocket. In a single, swift and practiced motion, Y/n lifted Alastor up, resting him on her hip. His hands immediately went to one of her floppy ears, running his little hands over it in awe.

"Bunny." he stated and Y/n nodded.

"Yeah, I am just like a bunny, okay?"

Alastor met her eyes.

"You're pretty like a bunny too!" he announced proudly and Y/n felt her cheeks grow slightly warm.

"Ah, what a little charmer." she noted, tapping his nose lightly and Alastor giggled.

"How are you so good with him?" Angel asked and Y/n turned towards him as Alastor continued to fiddle with her ear.

"What do you mean?"

"He just kept crying when we were trying to help."

Y/n shrugged slightly.

"I was the oldest growing up. I always had to take care of my baby cousins and stuff like that. Besides, little kids are the sweetest a this age!"

Angel's eyes flicked between Y/n and her enthusiasm and little Alastor who seemed absolutely awestruck in her arms.

"Yeah." he scoffed, "That is all it is."

"Now, Alastor." Y/n hummed, turning to face the boy who immediately met her gaze, his earnest air only endearing her to him further, "I have some work to get done, I cook here at the hotel. Do you want to come help me?"

"Uh-huh." he nodded vigorously and Y/n smiled.

"Well, that's a relief cause, you know, I could really use your help."

"Really?"

Alastor's eyes lit up at the notion, that she needed him, that it wasn't just an empty offer.

"Yeah I could." Y/n confirmed, "How else am I supposed to know if the fruit is ripe or the meal is good if you don't try it for me first?"

Alastor giggled and Y/n turned, glancing at her bags still splayed out on the floor.

"Pen, can you help me with these?"

Immediately, the snake demon agreed, grabbing the fallen produce and placing it back into the bags before hoisting them onto his shoulders. The trio had made it about halfway across the lobby to the service door that lead to the kitchen when Y/n paused, looking back at Charlie over her shoulder.

"Charls, I'd quiz Husk about this if I were you." she advised gently, "He seems far too pleased at the situation to not know exactly what is going on."

The day sped by in a whirl of something akin to unbound joy. It was a peaceful reminder of the person she had been to take care of Alastor like this. They had always been close, he didn't own her soul or anything but Y/n and Alastor had been friends for years. When he had asked her to come help out at the hotel, she had jumped at the opportunity to spend time with him after so many years.

Despite their closeness, neither knew all too much about the other. There was always an unspoken barrier of sorts in the way. For Y/n, it was a mild attraction to the man. He was a moralist at heart with a strict code completely of his own he always stuck to and Y/n admired him for that. She wasn't sure what the disconnect was on Alastor's side but, in the moment, she didn't care. She had learned more about the man through this strange experience than she had ever hoped to, it was a gift.

It was his capacity for love, she realized as she lead him into the lobby to say his goodnights. Y/n had never realized how deeply Alastor cared about the people in his life or the world around him, he hid it so well as an adult. Child Alastor had no pretenses, he was completely and entirely himself with nothing held back. In a weird way, it almost strengthened the feelings she had for him as an adult, being allowed to experience him like this.

All day, he had trailed after her, doing his absolute best to complete every task she assigned him and talking all the while about how much he loved his home and his mom. It was sweet, it was endearing, it was verging on dangerous. Y/n tried not to think about it as she held his small hand.

The pair came to a stop by the bar where the rest of the hotel's residents were sharing a drink. Charlie had found out earlier from Husk that this change in Alastor should only last a day and Y/n found herself nearly morose at the idea. She loved Alastor as a man, respected him, but he lost that openness he had had as a child, she realized. It was a shame that come sunrise, she wouldn't be able to have such open communication with the man again, a shame that the only open communication she would ever have with him was when he was a child incapable of adult though. Y/n squeezed his hand gently.

"Let's say goodnight, okay?"

Alastor looked doubtfully up at Y/n, still put off by the rest of the gang.

"They're your friends, I promise. Would I lie to you?"

Alastor thought it over before shaking his head slightly. He turned to face the group.

"Good night." he announced, his voice trembling just the slightest bit.

"Good job." Y/n hummed and Alastor smiled in pride.

"Damn, is this how you guys always are?" Angel laughed, taking a sip from his drink, evidently already intoxicated, "I mean, I knew you were friends before you came here, but are you always such a mom to him?"

"No!" Y/n indignantly replied, her cheeks flushing slightly pink, "We're just friends."

"Nah," Angel smirked after a moment, "you're totally his mom."

Y/n opened her mouth to reply when Alastor let go of her hand, stepping in front of her with his hands on his hips.

"Y/n is not my mom." he insisted to Angel who raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, then what is she?" the spider demon asked and Y/n glared at him.

"Y/n is the prettiest ever and when I grow up she's gonna be my wife!" Alastor proudly announced, "She is nice and gives the best hugs."

Angel and Husk both broke out into peals of laughter.

"Like you could land a girl like her." Husk scoffed.

"What do you mean?" Alastor asked, his words slurring slightly together from exhaustion.

"Hate to break it to you kid, but when you grow up, your creepy ass could never."

Alastor frowned deeply at this remark. He looked back at Y/n, his eyes bleeding helplessness. She felt her heart crack and crouched down beside him. Tucking his hair behind his ears, Y/n placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

"Don't listen to Husk." she smiled gently at him, "You have always had a place in my heart."

Alastor's face lit up at this and he turned back to Husk. Taking Y/n's hand back in his, he stuck his tongue out at the cat demon who rolled his eyes in response.

Once up in Alastor's room, Y/n tucked him in to bed and told him a story. Alastor's sleepy eyes struggled to stay open and when she moved to leave, it took some convincing to make him let go of her arm. With promises she would see him first thing in the morning, Y/n let the door close gently behind her and let out a sigh. She had forgotten how much work kids could be, she was exhausted.

She had barley made it back to her room, barley crawled into bed, when there was a soft knock at her door. With a sigh, she threw the covers from her legs and walked to the door, opening it with an irritated expression which softened the moment she saw who stood on the other side.

"What's going on, honey?" she asked, crouching down to Alastor's level and cupping his cheek gently in her soft hand.

"I can't sleep." he bashfully replied, "Momma cuddles me until I fall asleep."

"I see." Y/n hummed, getting to her feet and stepping to the side so he could enter.

Alastor looked up at Y/n in doubt and she gave him a nod of encouragement. It was all he needed to rush into the room and jump up onto her bed, snuggling down into the pile of covers. Y/n watched him for a moment, smiling softly, before closing the door and joining him.

Immediately, Alastor wrapped himself in her arms, snuggling into her chest. Y/n was frozen for a moment in indecision, but tiredness prevailed and in her sleepy state, all that mattered was that it was Alastor. Her oldest friend, the one who had never failed her. She pulled him close, resting her chin on his head.

"You're so comfy." Alastor mumbled through a yawn and Y/n chuckled.

"Its because I know how to enjoy all that life and the afterlife has to offer." she hummed softly in response, her breath tickling the top of his head, "Most men would prefer someone who looks different than me but, luckily I am not existing for men."

The pair fell silent for a moment. Sleep pulled at the edges of Y/n's ears, dragging her eyelids down. She hummed a gentle tune, a lullaby she had long since forgotten the words to but that she could hear her own mother in.

"Well, those men are stupid." Alastor grumpily replied, maneuvering himself around in Y/n's grasp so he faced her, "You look like a fairy."

Y/n cracked her eyes open, ruffling Alastor's hair slightly.

"Why thank you, I do try." she smiled.

"And I meant it."

"Meant what?"

Her eyes were closed again, her voice dreamy.

"When I grow up, I am going to marry you."

"Oh, are you now."

"Yes." Alastor insisted, and in his insistence, through the shrillness of his childlike tone, Y/n could hear him as an adult, as the man she knew, "When I am grown up, I am going to ask you to marry me. Will... you would say yes, right?"

Who would have guessed, the feared and decisive Radio Demon could doubt. Y/n smiled.

"Well, you can't just ask a girl to marry you right off the bat."

"You can't?"

There was a genuine confusion in his voice, Y/n had expected nothing less from a child. Still, she couldn't help but view him through the lens of his adult self in this moment. Maybe it was the exhaustion, the proximity, the dark, how lovely he was when he had nothing to protect himself from, when he did not yet know of the filter he needed in order to conduct himself in the world and not get fucked over by it.

"Nope." Y/n shook her head slightly.

"Why not?"

"Well, you have to court her first."

"Court her?"

"You know, ask her on dates, buy her flowers: woo her."

"Well then I will do that too."

The last thing Y/n remembered before the world gave way to sleep was Alastor asking what her favorite flower was.

"Hyacinths." she had told him, "The purple ones. But don't you dare buy them for me unless you have something to apologize for because they ask for forgiveness. Instead, buy me peonies, they are for new love."

The heat of Hell's false sun was what woke her. Y/n grumbled, rolling over in bed, the course of the day before re-materializing in her head. She smiled softly at the memory, a certain sadness creeping in at the fact that she would probably never be that vulnerable with the man again.

A faint, almost peppery smell reached her nose and Y/n cracked her eyes open. Around her was a world of soft pinks and whites, cascading petals and the most beautiful display of protracted death. She gasped slightly, sitting up in bed. Looking around her small room, she realized it was filled to the brim with peonies in different stages of life. As her eyes traveled to the foot of the bed, she found Alastor standing there, his cheeks flushed and a tray in his hands. On the tray was a stack of pancakes, all cut into the shape of flowers to match. Y/n laughed lightly, smiling up at him from where she sat in bed.

"What's all this?" she asked and his cheeks grew brighter still.

Alastor looked away, clearing his throat.

"I'm keeping my side of the deal."

Y/n searched her mind, looking for any trace of what he could possibly mean.

"The deal... oh!" it suddenly hit her, the sleep riddled conversation they had had the night before.

Her cheeks flushed pink, mirroring his and picking up the colors of the flowers he had surrounded her with. She smiled brightly at Alastor, pulling herself from the bed. The hem of her nightgown rippled gently against her legs as she approached him. With grace, she plucked a strawberry from the plate and popped it in her mouth.

"Are you asking me out on a date?" she grinned coyly up at him.

Alastor rolled his eyes.

"I'm... doing the things so... just..."

"Alastor."

"What?"

His discomfort was palpable, unfamiliar. She reveled in it.

"Do you actually like me?"

"I thought I told you. You know, when-"

"I thought that was just mindless chatter." she interrupted, "Little kids are always saying stuff like that."

"Well, I wasn't."

Y/n laughed and Alastor placed the tray carefully on the edge of the bed, turning back to her.

"Did I misinterpret what you said?"

"Not at all." Y/n said, taking a step closer to him.

"So you will marry me?"

She laughed again, she couldn't help herself. Y/n could tell that if Alastor was able to do anything but smile, he would be scowling at her reaction to his sincere question.

"Ask me out on a date."

"Bu-"

"Ask me out on a date!" she insisted and Alastor sighed.

"Fine. Would you..." he took a deep breath, nerves running wild, "would you like to go out... with me..."

"Oh wow, so confident." Y/n teased.

"Y/n." Alastor warned and her smile widened even further.

"Yes, Al. Yes, Alastor, I would love to go out on a date with you."

"Wait, really?"

"Yes." Y/n nodded, her hands clasped behind her back as she swayed slightly on her feet, "I will."

Before she could register what was happening, Y/n was in Alastor's arms. He lifted her off her feet, spinning her around.

"Wait!" she shrieked, "Alastor, put me down! Aren't I too heavy?"

"Not at all, my dear." he hummed, holding her close now.

"Still, put me down!" she bashfully requested and at last he conceded, her feet finding the cool of the wood once again, "How long have you been... you know."

"That, my dear, is for me to know."

He tapped her nose gently and one of her ears shifted in response. Y/n crossed her arms.

"Not fair." she whined.

"Eat." Alastor commanded, unable to be moved on this point, "Meet me downstairs after. We're going out."

----

Tags:

@willowshadenox @i-love-jafar @elfyeet 

@reader3

[moociaoafterdark]

The last post was a rhetorical question, but, glad you guys want to hear me out!

Anyway, the Imperial Palace is haunted. "Haunted".

Surely, there are no such things as ghosts, right?

Except, when the Raven Guard Astartes began to report things disappearing when you don't look at them and also seeing pale ghostly figure stalking the hallways, people began to tense up, even though some just brushed it off as them confusing a ghost for one of their own. When the Custodes began to back up the Raven Guard's claims, the Primarchs got involved.

So, the main ghost hunting squad consists of Horus, Sanguinius, Corvus and Alpharius (and Omegon, but, shh). If we assign them the "Mystery Gang" roles, then Horus is Fred, Sanguinius is Daphne, Corvus is Velma and Alpharius is either Shaggy and Omegon is Scooby, or it's the other way around. No one notices the changes anyway.

A lot of their methods include things like a ouija board (from which they learned many interesting things about the ghost, particularly how many pickles it can shove up its ass), asking the ghost questions in the dark room, taunting the ghost (and screaming like little girls when the ghost retaliates), using a radio to try to communicate with it... That kind of stuff. A lot of the times, Corvus tries to negotiate with the ghost by offering Horus a sacrifice, much to Sanguinius' annoyance. Surprisingly, Horus doesn't really mind becoming a sacrifice (he thinks he can fight the ghost off) (he can't do shit). Alpharius and Omegon are both amused, however they initially didn't take the hauntings seriously. As time went on, though, they slowly started to plan their way out of the group.

The gang then turned to Lorgar for help. Their research led them to find out that numerous religions, in the past, had ways to ward off ghosts. Perhaps Lorgar can do something? Lorgar decided that a religious sacrifice could potentially pacify the paranormal ("No, Corvus, we are not sacrificing Horus"). He ordered Alpharius and Omegon to find and bring a small animal that they could sacrifice, while Lorgar prepared the salt, the candles and the prayers. Alpharius brought a little white rabbit from the Palace's kitchen. Sanguinius was sad to see such cutie get sacrificed, he made sure to give that rabbit some pats before the ritual. When the right time came, the Primarchs, all 6 of them now, stood in the circle made out of salt, in the room that was pitch black safe for some lit candles. Lorgar read the prayers and tried to stab the rabbit in order to kill it. The dagger, instead, bent to the side, as if the animal was made out of steel. The white rabbit then became possessed and jumped onto Alpharius, trying to bite through his helmet... And almost succeeding, had Sanguinius not grabbed and tossed the vermin out from the circle. Despite being tossed by a Primarch with full force, the rabbit didn't even break a sweat, instead preparing to pounce on its next victim. Thankfully it was put down by Horus and a couple of shots from his bolter pistol that he thankfully brought with himself. The killer rabbit was dead and Lorgar felt despair. Why didn't his faith in their father stop the malicious presence? He will make that ghost pay! Feeling wronged, he joins the ghost hunting squad and helps keep the group together and to coordinate the rituals.

Magnus thinks he can crack the case himself. He gets the photo evidence of paranormal activity, however, his recording skills are subpar. The photos and videos are blurry as fuck, as if Magnus covered the lense with a thick coat of vaseline beforehand. No one believes him or takes his evidence as, well, actual evidence... Except Jaghatai. His bike has been acting weird lately. Sometimes it turns on all by itself, drives itself for a good distance, sometimes it refuses to turn on, or strange things pop out on the display. Something is messing with his bike and the Great Khan is REALLY pissed at this. And, so far, he only trusts Magnus with this, so, they become a ghost hunting duo. Through the series of unfortunate events, the two have to race away from the pissed off ghost, with Magnus clinging onto Jagh and yelling "DRIVE FASTER, I'M SCARED".

The ghost also visited the Night Haunter himself. When Konrad realized he had an intruder he looked at the ghost, who decided to appear to him as a demonic looking old woman, taller than Konrad himself. Their eyes locked together and Konrad just... smiled, his rotting teeth revealed by a wide grin. He and the Night Lords were never bothered by the ghost again after that.

When news reached Roboute of what was happening in the Imperial Palace, he just made a shocked face and went "Oh no... Anyway!" and then went back to drinking the finest of wines you could find on Ultramar, while basking under Macragge's sun. Jackass.

Ferrus and Rogal were both working on the project together and didn't even notice the ghost. At some point, the ghost became a third participant: holding a hammer or shinning a light where it was needed. When Ferrus and Rogal realized what was happening, they just... Went back to work and continued to exploit the ghost. They would never say no to free labour.

[adamarks]

HAPPY NEW YEAR. Here’s some fic recs.

Just An Excellent Fucking Fella by Shearwater - Everyone and their brother has seen Constellationism. But have you read innkeeper Jeff role play by the same author? Hop to it.

Stolen by the Gentleman Thief by @elapsed-spiral - suggested if you’ve ever earnestly enjoyed or gotten a cackle at dime romance novels. They meet because Stede is plastic-wrapped to a light pole. I fucking love this fic.

West Ham Is For Lovers by @elapsed-spiral - Also love this one. Lucius is like trying to get Ed and Stede to meet. Idk how to sell it without giving away The Twist as the summary says. Just trust me

Roach vs. Rabbit by @xoxoemynn - shocked and appalled that this doesn’t have more hits. It’s bunnicula. C’mon it’s bunnicula.

The Crew Dines Out by wellwhisky - this one is incomplete but works on its own. Based on The Gang Dines Out from iasip. This shit is soooooooo funny it’s sooooooooo funny. Oh my god it’s funny as balls

soup by @margaritaville - it’s just so sweet. Ed and Stede sound so Ed and Stedey here. It’s so sweet. ITS SO SWEET

that same look in your eyes series by @margaritaville - I usually hate time travel fics but Sam changed my mind. Did you all know Ed and Stede are madly in love? Were u aware???

Even in the Dark, I'm Glowing by @petrichorca @veeagainsttheday and ThatJadeykinns - monsterfucking 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ what more do you need??? Click the damn link

Mile High Club by @veeagainsttheday - I’m sure everyone seeing this has read this but I don’t care I don’t CARE rAAAGGHHH [blows up a building bc this fic is so good]

Anyway happy new year go leave these people comments. Tell them u appreciate their art and time. Leave a series of emojis. I’m so serious if u read any of these n like em you better tell these ppl. Tell em Jay sent u. (You don’t have to do that last bit)

[frankenstheythem]

THEYRE SO RIGHT STOPPPP

rewatching us and honestly bless jordan peele for portraying rabbits as an eerie ass vision/omen instead of cutesy little things because that is RIGHT

[dallasgallant]

Time period post- Greaser subtypes

This one was asked of me a little while back, as I mentioned briefly the types of Greaser and someone wanted to know the difference. (Also have some posts on terminology!) and it sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole, this one is a little more researched that my more rambly general knowledge ones.

Going to put this before the cut as it’s a important aspect and was fascinating to me at least,

“The Greaser” has been a costume and a character longer than it ever had been a clearly defined demographic or subculture. A lot of what we understand today is from pop culture and rockabilly revivals of the 80s and the whatever the fuck was happening in 2010 (which is more a tumblr aesthetic than it ever was reality). What unites and makes an ‘actual’ greaser is without a doubt class status, certain behavior and dress more so than the affiliation with Rock n’ roll.

Another thing to consider is “Greaser” is a derogatory term! Pony talks about it briefly in the book how they don’t like other people calling them it, only themselves. It’s not a group invented term, more something they’re called/reclaimed.

Same goes for Hood, JD, Con, Punk, white trash, Redneck, Hick, Okie etc.

Some have come on to be used more commonly, or nicer meaning such as redneck but half the time it’s self used by people with a slight accent and would not actually— different conversation.

Another thing to be aware of (that I have a post on) is inter-lapping terms like all Greasers are punks but not all punks are greasers. (Original connotation not the music based subculture)

Motorcycle v. Hot rod-

Now to what this post was sparked about the distinction between “Type” of greasers. This is sort of what it says on the tin.

Motorcycle greasers are the types to ride bikes and be in that sort of gang.

Hot rod greasers are those who are into car customization (making a hot rod by suping it up) and drag races that sort of thing.

Both of these can be named gangs, matching jackets with the name and everything. However that’s more larger city and pop culture than true across the board (Pony mentioned there’s a few named gangs in Tulsa; types like this also tend to run over)

But again! It’s important to understand not every motorcycle gang or car club are greasers! It’s complicated in a strange way as there’s simultaneously no difference and a lot of difference.

Not all greasers are a “type!” Either. Some are just grease. Like the Curtis outfit leans towards the car side but are not a car club/gang or centered around their cars. They’re a run of the mill unnamed friend group type gang.

Varying term-

Interesting is, some stereotypes and pop culture examples of greasers are relatively true to life… though they tend to run softer or harsher depending on if they’re the bad or good guys (typically bad.) Some are upset over this… mainly because a childhood bully was a greaser and they have a demonized depiction in their head which was wild to come across while looking into this.

It’s actually one of the instances where people’s recollection as a bit better of a source then looking it up. As google gives you mainly “Ayyyyy” or “tell me more tell me more” (which don’t get me wrong we love the Fonz and the T-birds in this house)

What seems to be the true uniting factor of making a Greaser is Levi’s and being a “Working class bully” which has become a whole other stereotype within itself but, greaser’s never really went away they just changed their haircut. Allow me to explain,

The kid who’s rough because he has to be. Life isn’t so great at home, dad beats him, poor, mom strips etc there’s a thousand variations. To the point again there’s an entire trope. Besides being lower class they were also the kids to frequent the shop and remedial classes- get in trouble, speak their mind get into fights and so on. Looking into antidotes sometimes what they were called changed or the music they listened to but- hair grease, jeans, rough etc are all a common factor.

This also ties back to the book. There’s something about everyone either thinking you’re mean and a criminal or immediately pitying you because your life must be so horrible you poor thing you—- has got to suck! It’s understandable that Pony would flip out on Cherry the way he did about pity and charity.

The thing about Greasers that gets me is that they’re either doomed to Demonization or romanization. (As let’s be real crime, being rude etc were also an active part. Not always but there) Both in memory and pop culture. Don’t get me wrong there has always been some nuanced depictions and conversations about Greasers or JD’s (the outsiders is one of them) but that just isn’t the case for the dominant public memory. They’re stuck as a costume or a bully…