#fuck trapdoor spiders

[general-kalani]

I'd protect you from a drop bear😩 (I'd die)

Godspeed soldier. Watchout for trapdoor spiders along the way

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Y’all I’m gonna give Kyle the WORST fucking birthday present like hbd to my favorite redhead here’s another dose of Putting You Through Hell (it’s ok he’s healing Ky ily)

[relentlessgrief]

Connor in a lover/rivalry relationship involves:

Connor ending up on your ceiling in the middle of the night, on all six limbs, watching you sleep. And then you see a pair of pin red eyes.

Getting ambushed in the forest like you're a trapdoor spider victim. Connor's gonna yank you into a grave that he's been waiting for you to walk past. And you're gonna either climb out of the dirt closed grave or suffocate for a bit.

Ensnaring you in tendrils and choking you with them before letting you go.

Said same tendril splitting open and biting you on the ass when you walk past

Connor stalking you. You're gonna get stalked a lot. And he's going to freak you out one way or another. And he's going to love every second of it.

Connor mimicking your voice down to a perfect pitch and doing whatever he sees fit with it. He has an ability spit your own voice back at you. Again, I took inspiration from the annihilation bear that takes its preys dying screams after killing them to lure others in.

ALL OF YOUR SOCIAL LIFE WILL BE DESTROYED. You WILL NOT get to have anyone but Connor. People won't wanna talk to you because you got this creepy fucking skeleton looming over you at all times. Social status? Ruined. Probably.

Your sleep will be ruined at random intervals. Connor doesn't need to sleep. You, however, probably do.

[flaggermuser]

Along Came A Spider

1,163 words || AU, Tender Threads timeline, Patriot is her own warning, Fluff, Sex Mentioned, Sexual Language Used, Referenced Child Abuse, Patriot/The Deep, Patriot & Ben Colyer, Homelander/Ben Colyer ||

A little gift for @sehtoast <3 - I absolutely adore their OC, Ben Colyer, and writing for Ben is super fun!

Border by Saradika

“Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can.”

Ben peeks out from beneath the duvet as he feels weight settle beside him, his head sore and muddled. His gaze meets white fabric with silver stitching, and, for a moment, he shudders. Of all the members of the Seven, past and present, who could make him nervous, it was her.

“Hey, Benny boy!”

Patriot - Homelander’s female equivalent.

Yet, compared to her, Homelander is tame.

“Whatcha doing?”

Ben knows staying silent will not make her leave; however, he’s not in the mood to engage with anyone, especially her. Suddenly, he hears boots hitting the floor, and the duvet is wrestled away. Patriot settles beside him, her fingers interlaced behind her head while he turns away.

“So, what’s got you hiding in bed like a trapdoor?”

Trapdoor spider - clever.

“Nothing,” his voice is muffled.

“Liar,” she retorts. “The ONLY time you’re in bed during the day is with lover boy. And as he’s currently fuck knows where, there has to be a reason. So, spill it.”

He’s reluctant - she’s the most unhinged bitch he’s ever had the displeasure of meeting, but, for some God only knows the reason; she’s been strangely lovely to him. And she’s the only member of the Seven who knows about his relationship with Homelander.

“Things just aren’t great for me right now. I just want to be left alone.”

She laughs. More accurately - she cackles. “Well, that’s not happening. I’ve got nothing planned for this afternoon until Fishboy returns, and I hate being bored.”

He grimaces - he doesn’t need another reminder that she’s fucking The Deep. It’s bad enough their penthouses are right next to each other, so he has a horror of the ‘front row seat’ to hear them go at it. Her hand grips his shoulder, rocking him forcefully, not helping his state of mind.

“Tell me,” she sings.

Finally, he relents, and a sheer typhoon's worth of emotion bursts from him. His face is pressed into his pillow, muffling some of his words, but she has super hearing. Once he’s finished and the final few words fall from his lips, she’s got her arms around him, her body pressed against his back.

“Do you need me to laser their faces off?”

He knows she’s being 100% serious, so he vehemently shakes his head. She keeps hugging him, her head pressed against his.

“Do you want to watch some trashy horror movies and eat our combined body weight in ice cream? I can go to that place in Queens you like - Eddie's Sweet Shop?”

Why are you so nice to me? It’s unsettling.

It's a surreal experience.

Here Ben is, sitting on his couch and eating ice cream while watching trashy horror movies with Patriot. He’s wrapped up in blankets, nice and cosy, while she’s dressed more casually in incredibly short pyjama shorts and a skimpy tank top. There’s more skin than fabric.

No wonder The Deep likes her so much.

Although she’s cackling like a maniac at every gorey kill, it’s nice that she’s here and made an effort. There’s something rather sweet beneath the psychotic facade she wears almost daily.

Patriot is famous for being unpredictable - her mood changes almost every five minutes.

Many times, he passes someone on the 99th running for their lives while she stalks after them, her eyes glowing red, her jaw tensed, but the unsettling smile still on her lips.

“Everything okay there, Spidey?”

“Yeah,” Ben relaxes a little more. “Yeah, it is actually. Thank you for doing this.”

“No problem,” she grins. It’s rather toothy and nearly threatening, but his senses aren’t going off.

In fact, his senses haven’t gone off at all since she’s been here.

The other Seven members know nothing about Patriot; Ben muses that not even The Deep knows. But Ben and Homelander do, especially since Ben managed to do a little digging.

Patriot’s given name is Jolene Godwin, and, from the outside, it seems as if she had a normal childhood. But beneath the facade, it’s a familiar story: a little girl called Jane, locked away in a lab, experimented on only to be abandoned in favour of Homelander.

“I’m his replacement. He knew I existed, and he did nothing to save me. That’s why I hate him.”

“I have to go and use the little spider’s room,” she announces, getting up and walking away. “If I miss a kill, tell me how grizzly it was.”

Some time passes, and Patriot is still in the bathroom. Ben ponders whether to get up and check on her, partly out of concern for her but mostly out of concern for his bathroom. He doesn’t want her snooping through the drawers; he’s worried about what she might find.

His attention, however, is suddenly moved to his penthouse door opening and The Deep walking in. Spotting Ben on the couch, The Deep makes a beeline for him, clearly pissed off.

“Hey, Bro,” he tries to sound menacing. “Seems you’ve been having a cosy afternoon.”

“Yes, I have,” Ben replies, not even slightly intimated. “Something wrong?”

“Drop the act, bro,” The Deep folds his arms, glaring at Ben. “I know she’s here. You need to-“

“Is that an attitude I hear?”

The Deep’s face turns bright red like he’s been caught red-handed, while Ben averts his gaze. Patriot leans against the doorway with those doe eyes and a pout on her lips, her outfit somehow more skimpy than when she left for the bathroom.

“Why are you giving Ben a hard time? We’ve just been watching trashy horror films and eating ice cream,” she says sultrily, talking slow, decisive steps, sauntering towards The Deep. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous?”

It’s like watching a car crash. Ben should look away, but his curiosity makes it difficult. She’s manipulative; that much is clear. However, she does it so artistically that Ben is amazed: puffing up her chest, running her perfectly manicured nails along his jaw, down his neck, and chest to fiddle with the V clasp.

“Wait, do you think that I’ve been in here? With Ben?” She cackles. “Of course not; I’ve only got eyes for my Lord of the Eight Seas. Now, why don’t you….”

Judging by The Deep’s facial expression, Ben is suddenly very pleased he doesn’t have super hearing. He can only wonder what it must be like for Homelander. It only takes a few minutes, and The Deep nearly trips over himself as he runs out of the penthouse. Patriot looks back over at Ben.

“Thank you for letting me spend time with you,” she smiles genuinely. “It was nice; we should do it again.”

“Yeah, we should,” Ben replies honestly before asking his next question. “You said he was Lord of the Eight Seas; I thought there were seven.”

“There are seven seas,” her smile turns into a grin. “The eighth one is my pussy.”

And just like that, Ben was traumatised for the rest of the day.

[auckie]

To everyone calling the stupid trapdoor cute. The larger ones are so intimidating and intense. I’m not really afraid of many animals, save bears. We feed lividus and wandering spiders and giant ass centipedes, we don’t carry very venomous scorpions anymore, but we used to, and may again soon! Which I’m really looking forward to. Keeping medically significant species isn’t something I’m personally into, but I can appreciate how interesting it is just to see these creatures live in a captive setting.

Regardless. Feeding the armored trap doors is so fucking scary. They play dead, if they’re not in their burrow, and they’re these huge black things with what looks like plate armoring on their abdomen, which is odd for a spider this size, and they have huuuge chelicera and fangs, they’re HEAVY. They’re actually hard. Tarantulas are all soft and fuzzy and a bit squishy if you manage to somehow touch their abdomens. Delicate beasts. The trapdoors are literally fucking dungeon monsters, and since they came through the mail, when rehousing them, we had to regularly check that they were okay! So you see this big stupid beast in a death curl and think oh shit it died! And you gently poke it with a paint brush, or blow on it, or squirt it with some mist thinking ‘let’s see what happened’ or ‘maybe it’s dehydrated from the trip’. NO! Zero to sixty in a millisecond and you have to shut the lid to its enclosure without trapping one of its legs, watch it do fifty somersaults and physically shake the container while you wait for it to chill the fuck out. So then you come to anticipate this during feeding, and ideally they make their stupid little burrows what with the tripwires. It’s cute and cool yeah whatever. But since we’re trying to ‘feed expeditiously’ as my boss always puts it, and they’re huge and might take multiple roaches, you gotta lift the door sometimes. If you’re lucky, the roach runs in because it’s stupid and dark hole. If you’re not, even expecting the monster to emerge, it still scares the absolute shit out of you. I sweat every time I deal with them. Tena and pokies and even the Thai funnel webs who have a very dangerous bite and are also just as fast (but so much more relaxed) don’t faze me, I mean sure the centipedes sometimes escape and make everyone stand up alarmed or the wandering spiders make all the dudes talk about the whole permanent erection thing, but these guys have the element of looking like a toy Halloween decoration and moving as fast as an old world T. They’re so cool. But so scary. And I don’t even think their bite is *that* bad compared to some of the hot shit we carry. But I don’t care! but the little one I filmed was very cute and stupid I will give them that. I don’t think I could own one tho. They can’t climb smooth surfaces but that wont stop them from doing 28 backflips if you walk past their tank and I just don’t really feel like associating myself with something that does that, that isn’t at least fuzzy and funny and pink toed. Or even the sand spiders we got. They’re pretty dangerous. But they’re so goofy. Speaking of which I will post a video of one here to make up for a paragraph of text

[definitelynotshouting]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MINECRAFT SPIDERS ARE MAMMALS

Brb climbing back into the wall/google doc to find where you’ve hidden any more unhinged lore

Btw can’t wait for Mumbo to face plant into the storage room cuz there’s now an open trapdoor in a dark room. Im talking looney toons ass fall, additional oof ouch bones

-⚛️

OKAY TO BE FAIR I WAS BEING SILLYGOOFY ABOUT THE SPIDERS BUT I AM FULLY PREPARED TO DOUBLE DOWN AND COMMIT TO THE BIT. YEAH MINECRAFT SPIDERS ARE MAMMALS NOW. THEYRE LIKE FUCKED UP CATS THEY CAN PURR. THEY HAVE BONES. IF THEY BITE YOU THEY DEAL 2D6 OF CONTINUAL POISON DAMAGE UNTIL YOU TAKE A LONG RESPAWN REST--💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[thepariahcontinuum]

I put this in a reblog before but honestly it should be it’s own post.

Fuck it I don't have an "Official" or "Personal" Spider-Sona just because I'm not an artist but I've got a few ideas to throw out....I’ll do 8 because it seems like a fitting number for a team of Spider-People

Green Huntsman: The Harry Osborne of their universe, is actually the second Spider-Man after receiving blood transfusion from his friend Peter Parker before he died. norman is still Green Goblin here and I like the idea of neither of them knowing who the other one is at first, even though Green Huntsman's costume has some Sam Raimi Green Goblin design elements and some Oscorp tech in it.....Goblin just thinks that this Spider is just a pissed off former employee.

Cordyceps: You already know where we're going with this, at least to some extent. This is Gwen Stacy from a universe where her symbiote didn't bond to her properly and is instead eating her alive and neither one of them is truly in charge of the body, leading to an erratic and dangerous personality but someone who can be extremely useful in specific circumstances....And is also a tragic walking figurative timebomb who knows she's doomed.

Dragline: If the last one was a figurative timebomb this guy is literal....Take the idea of the "Marvel Ruins" Peter Parker and dial it back slightly... this Peter is basically using specially adapted webbing to hold his organs in and a mix of jerry-rigged tech from various Marvel companies to give himself cybernetic limbs to replace his failing limbs and seal himself inside a suit that will stop him infecting/irradiating everyone around him.

Trapdoor-Spider: Definitely from a dystopian universe, I'm thinking something DieselPunk....Militant freedom fighter vibes, would absolutely get on with Hobie. Doesn't swing around cities much and instead relies on ambush tactics and razorwire webs/tripwires/garrotes.... Because a Spider-Person that doesn't like heights amuses me.

Pendulum: A living shitpost and a raver who absolutely only exists because of the song "Tarantula" by Pendulum..... Definitely has a power related to psychedelics.

Scuttle, the Recluse-Spider: Is absolutely not here for anyone's bullshit. With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility but they would much rather be at home.....Definitely stealthy as hell, has Miles’s invisibility thing.

Sleipnir: A Viking themed Spider-Girl, whose using the aesthetic to cover the fact that she’s a horse girl....Also definitely has some form of extra limb, either mechanical or something else.

Camel-Spider: Just a big hulking monster of a Spider-person, they were buff as hell before they got powers and it made them even bigger....But funnily enough they never realised that they were a ‘Spider’ before they were inducted into the Spider-Society. Basically they’re a play on the old joke post about Spider-Man’s webs being something he made rather than his powers meaning that he could have thought he was a Cockroach-Man or something. Camel-Spider changed their name to fit, but adamantly refused to start using Web Blasters, they just jump from rooftop to rooftop brute force their way through problems.

[birdenjoyer]

hi everyone this is what animal companions the TF2 mercs would have in my fantasy world

Scout- Squirrel. Adhd incarnate

Soldier- Turkey. Not the brightest but a true patriot you probably don't wanna fight

Pyro- Chrysomallon squamiferum. Likes heat

Engie- Border collie. High social and practical intelligence, goofy guy, would thrive on a farm

Heavy- Bear.

Demo- Throwback pomeranian. Very social and Needs To Work

Spy- Barn owl. Silent assassin not uncommon around people

Medic- Rat. Silly little guy who's actually really smart and has scientific connotations

Sniper- Cat. Very good at killing and also Autistic

Miss Pauling- Mouse. She just has mouse vibes and I can't think of a better fit

The Administrator- Orca. If you know you know

Saxton Hale- Honey badger. Fucking dangerous

And a bonus:

Trapper- Trapdoor spider. Sets traps, unsettling to some, cute to others

[veinspill]

Chapter 2 - Batty

Finally rising from my coffin, I take in the faint illumination of the room - the dim reds complement my pale skin, a haunting pair. Lulling me as close as I can come to sleep, Gerard Way's soothing voice is a nightly presence. It's fun to have these little rituals, even if they don't accomplish much. Besides, how can Evanescence's discography resonate with me if I don't at least pretend to sleep for a little bit? One needs to understand waking up outside before its introspective absence is noteworthy!

Laying in a corset for hours is one of the most uncomfortable experiences I've been through, I've learned, and although enduring suffering is a key tenet of being gothic and emotional, I like to choose my battles, and besides, getting dressed in the morning is another little ritual to which I can look forward. I transform into a bat and fly to the ceiling, where a wire hangs from a mahogany trapdoor. At the end of the wire is the skull of a raccoon (ethically sourced), which has yellowed from age. Tugging the wire, the trapdoor flings down, revealing a closet of sorts. It is… minimalist. A beam supports a few garments I've collected over the years, though most of them are dusty from disuse, or have been discolored due to some blood-related event occurring. I reach for my corset.

It once belonged to an obnoxious local prep - Kaylive Kaylaugh Kaylove, otherwise known as Kayleighynn. As milquetoast as a prep could come, with her whites, beiges and denim. At best a bit of plaid and some sunglasses, or an iced coffee. Designer this, curated that. My antithesis. And don't get me started with her bizarre fixation on Taylor Swift - the only swift aspect of this obsession is my leave as it is mentioned! This corset was once a plain-white, designer garment of hers, and saw the occasional night out, but as trends shifted, she ended up discarding it alongside her other trash.

A wasteful gesture! My past as a siren has granted me expertise in swimming in all aspects, including dumpster diving, and as such, finding the corset in the trash was simple. Over the few hundred years I've been around, I've seen many trends emerge and inevitably die out, and through it all, it's easy to see the vapidness of it all, and that clarity has been instrumental in my love of the second-hand. With the corset then in my hands, I returned home, and submerged its fabrics in a cauldron of my 'hawt pink' dye. From there, it became a staple of my day-to-day outfits. I don't think Kayleighynn has even noticed, as she tends to shun every aspect of me. I can't help but wonder if she truly shuns me, or if, deep down, she's craning her neck as werewolves do in a howl, shunning the world around them in a vain attempt to garner the attention of the moon that brought them into being. It's probably that first thing!

Many goths eschew color, but I think sticking with black as a driving force is too limiting at times, and the endless, depressed evil and sorrow within me manifest in other ways - through the silky, spider-like tendrils of my hair, to my matte black lipstick and eyeliner, each painted on like leaden oil paints, to my pupils, which serve as inky mirrors reflecting the inner evils of both myself and of those who are bold enough to gaze into them...

I return to the ground, morphing back into my humanoid self. After a few minutes of fumbling, I finally put on my corset, then turn to a simple mirror on my wall. Although I can't see myself, I can see the writing across the mirror: "I get better every single day. I am loved. I am worthy. I am gothic and emotional. I am a total fucking hottie." 

[athetos]

13% of all spider species are jumping spiders and that feels wrong. A trapdoor spider lived until age 43 which also feels wrong. And don’t even get me started on whatever the fuck Portia spiders are doing, but that’s not wrong, that’s actually cool.

[waterwindow]

Hi Ww I'm in fucking love from your bug au, your designs look great and I want to hold these little arthropod buzzzin things in my hands and then squeeze them to tasty crunch sound

Can you tell us what type of insect each of the mercenaries is?

Crunched, squished, smooshed even D:

I'm happy you like them though!

Scout and Spy are tiger mosquitos Heavys a green bottle fly, Soldiers a biting black fly, Medic is a house centipede, Sniper is a yellowjacket, Demo is a trapdoor spider, Pauling is an ant and pyro is just uh... iunno they're just a moth

[finchrambles]

ok ive just watched across the spiderverse and holy Fuck its the best thing ive ever seen! Anyways! needs australian spiders! aussie-spider-sonas! so here are some names: orb weaver,huntsman,whitetail,peacock (like the lil pretty jumping spiders!),funnel web,trapdoor. these are just ideas also i writingthis while im fucking tired anyways.

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Aight I can’t decide what I’m in the mood to write, so

[jamazzilblog]

If the heartbreaking soulcrushing moment and it's implications weren't enough we have the fucking strange shit happening, the sounds, the trapdoors opening, the skull on the cheat, now the spiders...man I can't right now 😭

[unproduciblesmackdown]

So happy someone else defaulted to "oh wouldn't it be funny if Mordecai lived in the caves?" lmao it would explain how he had such easy access to the armory too

Bonus points if he sometimes hits a toe on a rock/has to hunt some spider or rat and the peeps at Lackadaisy just think it's a ghost

lol yeah once i was like "hm did mordecai have enough familiarity with the cave network there to know of some Secret Entrance since he got to the armory," but earlier viktor just notices the garage entrance trapdoor was unlocked, and we've seen mordecai keep lockpicking since....but hey it doesn't mean he Can't know of any secret entrances, and have also literally cleaned out somewhere else like "actually the secrecy of living in a cave is worth the effort / inconvenience" lmao

we sure can also appreciate a Gothic Genre Analysis applied to things out here where we have a murder and a mystery (which isn't a whodunit so much as a key to all these other Secrets) which is probably this case of the [how have these instances & manifestations of violence been incited, sustained, compounded, inherited, enforced, etc....] theme manifesting in this Central Unknown with atlas lol like, someone who was at the heart of all that & Something Happened in such a way that it seemingly came back to him like "me reaping: what the fuck. this fucking sucks" but who yet knows....bunch of mysteries, conflicts, murky painful pasts and similarly threatening futures, figurative ghosts, the haunting through histories, legacies, the manifestations of established/enmeshed power that's consuming things in hidden ways &/or seemingly suddenly erupting into view when lashing out from some threat. it's so funny but also genuinely so interesting that mordecai is the one tasked with doing some [quietly kill people] but he's also like ummm. sweating. what's going on

also there's Mood & Style which is important for anything but it also helps when you pick anything up like "is this gothic?"

it's also funny, which isn't counterproductive to any genre or style or effect if you're doing anything right lol. and it's both Very Gothic and Very Funny of anyone to be living in a cave where there's already secrets, darkness, bones, more murders, and some compulsive dusting which is funny and is also "raise your hand if you're Not characterized by violences in your past that may have been both immediate and interpersonal or too vast and immense to have been meaningfully understood as being a manifestation of some individuals' actions (e.g. crowded tenement immigrant life, for one)"....and a real classic if someone thinks there's a haunting, but then it's just some guy, except maybe there was also a haunting and maybe Some Guy's haunting is also like, damn, it's Like if there was a ghost who was murdered, where this person's life could be less ghostly if they weren't figuratively killed by certain forces....this is Just like phantom of the auditorium, of goosebumps the book series, or goosebumps the musical based on the book........in turn based on the musical, based on the book, at the time disappointing some readers who were like "what do you mean it was just some guy"....oh hey, lon chaney phantom of the opera was a '25 release. i've been staying completely on track the entire time

anyways running with it yeah i think mordecai would be sufficiently Particularly Ill-Suited for enduring his cave living that it would be like, a quick scooby doo investigation's worth of solving that mystery lol. like you don't even solve it, he just gets sick of it on his own & emerges from the darkness & proceeds to Just Walk Out, He Can Leave. > if (itSucks) {hit (dabricks!!)}

on the other hand, it wouldn't be very Thematic of him, when this is all about people in an "it sucks" situation & why they (a) are in it & (b) as yet can't, won't, &/or simply haven't just walk/ed out, Real Winners Quit style

BUT....it would be funny. and mordecai's quite the flexible & active character out here, being at lackadaisy after atlas's death(tm) sucked so he just walked out (& shot viktor)....work....social thing....cops if your quick....friend ships....and now marigold goings on are also a problem so he's doing his own mystery on mystery on mystery investigation....if it weren't for how it would bother him too much, truly, he could comically get up to some secret cave dwelling and zanily make people think there's a cave ghost

[enteragoodnamehere]

hi welcome to another post of me rambling about nikola orsinov today we are talking about Animals I Have Considered Making An Anthro Design For Her But They Get Weirder

1. Tiger: basic bitch option. I think this is what she would say her fursona is if asked (and if she was explained to what a fursona is). Maybe make it taxidermied to add some spice idk

2. Borzoi: still normal but less than the tiger. honestly I can see her as any sort of sight hound. long. skinny. fucked up proportions.

3: Anglerfish: its right there in canon idk what you want me to say about this one

4: Rattlesnake: okay listen. have you seen rattlesnake jake from rango. the way he moves and interacts with the world compared to the other characters? yeagh. there’s something there about shed skin and shit too. im thinking specifically rattlesnake so that her rattle can be like. a ball jointed hand yknow? her fingers get longer with each shed lmao

5: Lyrebird: those funky ass birds that can mimic laser and chainsaw noises. I just know she would be so so annoying about it <33

6: Cockatrice: y’know. the chicken dragon things. my thought process is monster conceived in an unconventional way + seems less threatening than it actually is and can fuck your shit up + yayy trans allegory i love trans allegories + i just think they’re neat

7: Malaysian Segmented Trapdoor Spiders: Have You Seen These Shits? nikola orsinov ass spider

8: Tongue Eating Louse: not the whole fish specifically the little parasite. that’s her. the fish are supposed to represent the skins she wears. something something the horrors of the unseen (parasite in a place you wouldn’t expect it (tongue/mouth))

yeah. thank you for listening to my rambling kind citizen