#fuck the other diagnoses
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My view every morning while I sit on my couch before I start whatever I have to do during the day. Not half bad.
Had to put the yellow mums on the table, as the smaller ones (lower right) keep getting blown off the table and and smashed.
I wish I could be content. I still struggle but I am way better than I was. I’ve lost 35 lbs and counting since getting off some of the heavier psych meds, so physically I am healthier (I guess…I’m always fucking tired). I can do my hobbies again, I’m making it to work, I have my own little place. But is that it for someone with a chronic mental illness? Is that all I can hope for? Will I ever be able to go back to my career again? Will I continue to hide, making myself as small and quiet as possible so as not to bother anyone? Will anyone see me again, in spite of that?
#picture#outdoors#reading#now if i could bring myself to start going for walks again#i’ve had no energy#chronic illness#pmdd#fuck the other diagnoses#except generalized anxiety disorder i so have that#i think the pmdd has been my struggle the whole time#but since uterus-related issues tend to get ignored#in recovery#tired of being invisible#tired of settling#mums
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i told myself i was gonna stop engaging in syscourse but i saw a super common fucking opinion that i cant bite my tongue on
DID as a disorder has more criteria besides having two or more distinct personality states. you cannot say “DID is more than alter disorder” and then turn around and say endogenic systems are claiming to have DID on the basis of having alters, that isnt how it works.
you either recognize all of the symptoms as being important to the diagnostic criteria, or you give major over-importance to one part of it (and make yourself look like a hypocrite)
#also as a fuckign diagnosed osdd system having parts is not the part of the diagnosis that causes me the most distress#things like my flashbacks and my amnesia give me FAR more distress than having distinct personality states#and its disingenous to act like endos who dont have did are ‘claiming to have did’ just because they have alters#it makes you look like a major fucking hypocrite to ignore the other criteria#syscourse#pro endo
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#meme#homemade memes#cw dysphoria#trans#bones are stupid#cw dysphoria venting#waiting out current phase of transition changes to happen#(cause I got my dose raised again in april & am waiting for my next two surgeries & continuing tryna build muscle 😔)#hoping it'll get to a point eventually where the affirming bits are overpowering enough to ppl's perception#that I can dress the bits I can't change (like hips) in things that suit them#and do the whole embracing looking trans thing without worrying abt the misgendering#but alas I won't believe in my body's ability to do that until I see it#seeing as I still get lady-ed & unquestioningly she/her-ed 5 years into HRT + post two highly visible surgeries#+ fully dressed in men's clothes + sporting the shortest hair I've ever had -.-#cis ppl learn what transmascs look like & what that means for words you use on them challenge 2024- difficulty level: impossible apparently#I've had several ppl in the last few months that I literally TOLD I am trans/'it's he/him'/was clocked as trans by#who then STILL proceeded to misgender me anyway???#like what more can I do than literally straight up tell you????#I told a clinician who was looking at my knee the other month that I was trans (cause they always ask abt all meds n diagnoses)#and he misgendered me as a trans woman on his report like-#sir I am 5'4" and have a flat chest baby face and facial hair#and I was telling you abt how I've been on HRT for years and have had several Transgender Surgeries#you're a bone doctor you know how bones work and what their limitations are and you have functionning eyes#you should be able to put 2 and 2 together abt how this works even if you've never met a trans person holy fuck#(I wrote a complaint and they amended the report and sent me an apology meanwhile but still like- buddy wtf)
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hey guys if i see another billdip vs billford poll i might ram my fist through my head <3 in fact can we stop with the comparison altogether lol. CLEARLY theyre the same but also completely different we’ve all elaborated enough on that. idc which one u like they both equally suck because bill is the worst. now lets go back to making whichever one we like better (for some weird unknowable reasons) kiss in our heads and go about our day. PLEASE
#billdip#not tagging the other ones cuz theyre mean to us#but listen i truly dont care. canon not canon WHO CARESSSSS ITS A FUCKING TRIANGLE#’its pedophilia’ please go outside for once in ur life genuinely im worried about u#i think we should worry less about which ship is better and more about what shipping either says about our mental state#im betting 90% of us grew up with a narcissistic parent LMAO#ok enough diagnosing i wont waste my degree here#but seriously excuse my harsh tone this is all in good fun#i like making fun of how absurd this is#tldr we all need therapy and also our favorite ship is based#i am a billdip tho for life theyre my bread and butter and if u dont understand Well. u just werent meant to. but trust me its glorious#i wish u could get it#canon is as real as these characters are. meaning its not
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Feel like making people miserable today. Anyways, here's Gon experiencing like. Textbook symptoms of trauma in the CAA, in case there was any lingering doubt about this or anything:
Initial denial that the experience happened or was traumatic
[ID: A screenshot from episode 85 of HxH 2011. Gon, eyes bright and with a smile, says "Kite is alive!" End ID.]
Flashbacks
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 95, and a third from episode 110. In the first, Kite's arm is shown in the foreground, bleeding and blurred. In the second, a close of Pitou's wide eyes, looking animalistic. In the last, puppet Kite's mangled and scarred face stares emptily ahead - the scene is greyed out. End ID.]
Intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 116. In the first, Gon's fist can be seen in the foreground, with Pitou shielding an unconscious Komugi just barely seen. The narrator says "The girl lying before them brought back". In the second, Komugi has a medical respirator on. The narrator continues "images of a broken Kite to Gon's mind". End ID.]
Physical sensations such as pain, sweating, nausea or trembling
[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. Gon's fists slam into the ground as he says "That isn't fair...". Sweat drips down his arms. End ID.]
Extreme alertness/hypervigilance
[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. Part of Pitou can be seen in the foreground as Gon stares at them intensely, crouched on the ground with his arm resting on his knee, obscuring his lower face. End ID.]
Angry outbursts or other extreme behaviour
[ID: Two screenshots, one from episode 116, and the other from episode 127. In the first, Gon shouts "Is something wrong with you?!" as his face contorts with rage. His aura floats black around him. In the second, Gon, his face shadowed eerily with thin lines, says "The next time you try to delay me, I'll kill her." End ID.]
Feeling like you have to keep busy
[ID: A screenshot from episode 94. A close up of Gon's face from the side as he says "I want to focus on my training." End ID.]
Doing things that are reckless and self-destructive
[ID: Three screenshots, one from episode 95 and the other two from episode 131. The first is stylized as a black outline of Gon's figure over a background like parchment or a projector - he's been hit in the face and sent to the right from the force of the blow. The second is a close up of Gon's face, almost completely shadowed, with intense and vacant eyes - he says "I don't care". The third continues with a close up of his eye filling with darkness - "if this is the end..." End ID.]
Feeling like nobody understands ("since it means nothing to you")
[ID: A screenshot from episode 116. In a whitish-room with a crack on the wall between them, Gon stands ahead of Killua, facing away from him. They are both in shadow. End ID.]
Ignoring offers of help and shutting out loved ones... poor Killua :(
[ID: A screenshot from episode 136. A spotlight on both Killua, in the foreground, and Gon, walking away from him in the background. Killua thinks "I wanted you to ask for my help in defeating Pitou!" End ID.]
Self-loathing, self-punishment, and lack of self regard
[ID: Three screenshots, two from episode 110 and the third from episode 131. The first is a close up of Gon's face over Morel asking "When would you try to hurt yourself?" The second is a continuation. Morel looks down at Gon who is facing away from the camera as Gon replies "When I couldn't forgive myself." In the last, adult Gon, staring ahead, is animated in black and white with the only colour being the blood from the stump of his right arm. His left hand grips his shoulder. End ID.]
Blaming yourself for what happened
[ID: Two screenshots, one from episode 95 and the other from episode 130. In the first, Gon hugs puppet Kite around his waist. In the second, Gon stares blankly ahead with tears streaming down his face as he thinks "I killed Kite." End ID.]
Overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and shame
#all this wasn't going to fit into my gon analysis but i still wanted to cover it#when i say he was genuinely traumatized i. actually seriously mean that.#note that this does NOT mean he had ptsd!!! ptsd should only be diagnosed if symptoms continue for several weeks to a month#after being removed from the traumatic situation#given that the trauma was ongoing this does not count! we could only say he has ptsd if somehow these symptoms persist when#he's back on whale island after the fact. but honestly i doubt they would#however. in caa? yeah 100% he was very traumatized by kite's death#hence all the trauma symptoms i listed above. poor little guy :(#storyrambles#hxh#gon freecss#this post hurt me to make btw. ow. ow.#i also. cruel as it is i genuinely like that gon's trauma fueled breakdown was. not palatable. like he is genuinely really scary there#and it's REALLY hard to watch and listen to#i really get why killua felt so helpless there.#like. your best friend is incredibly fucking volatile and very obviously wants to and is intending to run himself into the ground#because he feels he deserves it#what the hell is the other thirteen year old supposed to do here. :(
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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christian knows jack is autistic but never let him get diagnosed because 1. he's ableist and 2. autistic people aren't allowed to to enter any medical field. yes, you read that right. yes, still to this day
#christian went one further and never let jack know. because of the Shame. and denial. and disgust#lost headcanons#and its educational#there are autistic people in medical and mental health fields! they're undiagnosed#i had a team of people assessing me when i got diagnosed#neurologists and psychologists#three of 'em were autistic. one was neurotypical#you could tell the neurotypical one because she was the one who didn't speak directly to me at any point. she only spoke to my mum#the other three. the autistic ones. treated me like. a human being#anyways my mum was/is autistic. but she never got diagnosed#because officially she was my carer. and if she got diagnosed she would have lost that title#and therefore lost her carers allowance :/#its fucked up isnt it? personally i think the medical field could do with more autistic people#i mean it already HAS but i mean. more. and people who can open about it without losing their damn jobs
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a quick reminder to everyone
I have SEVERE LEARNING DISABILITIES
I am literally disabled because of my learning disabilities, I have faced literal descrimnation because of it.
everytime you call us retarded or a retard you are ACTIVLY upholding the systems in which I am trapped in.
I take more offence in being called a retard than anything due to the literal DECADES of systematic abuse and descrimnation from the medical system, every single government resource, and almost all school alternatives.
fuck you greatly if you use these words against us, I have to live in a country where they hate people like me and would rather us dead than to do literally anything to help people like us.
call us what you will, but I will never call anyone retarded because it’s a basic decency reserved for everyone.
I’m a very happy retard, fuck your ableism!
I will happily live and love and learn even if THE LITERAL GOVERNMENT doesn’t want me too.
(yeah being a mid supports autistic with other learning disabilities and disabilities in general that made me unable to attend a school just means I deserve to die. 100% legit I deal with this literally all the time always fuck the Australian government)
so again fuck you all greatly, for using a literal slur against me one that has been used against me since I was a baby.
fuck you all, genuinely.
did I forfeit my rights to be treated as a human being the moment I had a bit of trouble learning things? Because if I did I’d like to break someone’s teeth with a brick.
Edit: the language and lines between what the fuck developmental disabilities and intellectual disability are is confusing as fuck.
I have gotten very confused between the 2 because they are grouped together half the time.
My apologies to everyone for being utterly confused where I fall because it is extremely confusing to figure out, and internationally it varies wildly according to my brief reading.
I did not mean to be mean or anything I just was genuinely going off what I’ve been told most my life lol.
Shout out to my developmentally disabled brethren you are loved
#-pop#activism stuff#disability#Learning disabilities#learning disability#dyslexia#anticapitalism stuff#anarchism stuff#mental health stuff#dysgraphia#adhd#autism#I’m actually somewhat on the intellectually disabled spectrum lol. Not that it’s changed my tune (I got other severe devoplmental disorders#I still had to experience insane ableism my entire life and like continue to into my adulthood with no sign of it stopping soon#like genuinely fuck some people. Those are not your words to use#r slur mention#r slur tw#(idk what even counts but man I have so much wrong with me. and like it's not like this shit does not run in my family LOL my bisnonna was-#actually illiterate and had severe learning disabilities lol she was awesome and made a life for herself so again this shit does not stop-#anyone it just sucks because the education system is fucked screw that shit. idk :shrug: I've never actually looked at my medical record-#I actually should because I have a strong feeling I'm diagnosed with some crazy shit that none of my family remembers bc we just have shit-#memory (for my parents it's the trauma ngl. for me it's also the trauma and the ADHD LOL)#so at this point I just have been disabled by fuck do I know there's literally more maladies that run in my family than I can describe. lik#it's not that weird for me specifically to have severe learning disablities and also devoplmental ones it makes sense with what I know.#I was literally a tinny tiny failure to thrive child actually. who could barely eat anything due to severe allergies and more shit!
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If you're going to reblog my (admittedly very ADHD) post about, to borrow someone else's excellent summation, bees in the brain, to say 'OP check your medications', have you considered:
not doing that
#listen. you may think you're being helpful.#can you just. please. for five seconds. consider the words you say to other human beings. thank you.#anyway I block people who smugly diagnose me on that post because#it's not somehow fine and not rude as hell to tell someone they have a mental illness based on one paragraph they wrote#just because the mental illness is ~fun and ~relatable#you don't know me and you are DEFINITELY not medically trained keep your fucking opinions to yourself#(note: this does not go for 'this can be a symptom of ADHD'/'I experienced this and then I got diagnosed'/'OP have you looked into'#just the smug 'yeah it's the ADHD'#why don't you fuck off into the nearest pond with that)#(real alive people on the internet are not fictional characters for you to project onto and headcanon about)#(and we are not friends for me to take this as a fun jokey thing. you are a stranger. and you are being INEXPRESSIBLY rude.)
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my favourite thing about the always sunny podcast is listening to rcg all say something extremely neurodivergent and then agree amongst themselves and convince themselves its completely normal
#and to be clear im not diagnosing them charlie said he wasn't neurotypical#like deadass i think. the reason some of their writers just completely botch the gang's motivations/dialogue sometimes is bc at their core#these characters are all. SO autistic. which inevitably leads to them being misunderstood by others outside their group#whether rcg realizes it or not they inject this very specific vibe of neurodivergence into the gang#and its why they will just. argue over inconsequential details bc they Need to be understood completely#they can't just drop it unless they are crystal fucking clear#imo the biggest mistake other writers make is thinking that the gang is completely desensitized when its more like#they just don't react the way you would expect#which is often... adjacent to that but still distinct. and its trauma that influences this as well#the gang does not believe they themselves are 'bad people'. theyre most often oblivious to the fact that the things they do are insane#rob saying he doesnt pick up on social cues and then going on to argue in circles with glenn#i dont think last week was anything crazy but i think. rob doesn't know when to let up. which is a problem that *i* have#and while it comes across as being confrontational in an 'im right youre wrong' way i dont think its driven by ego here#just like with how as they said mac and dennis are making up while chucking bread rolls at each other#on both sides its frustration at being misunderstood#but they are all similar enough that even if they disagree over small details theyre usually on the same page. and this can be beneficial!!#thats the conclusion of the ep!!!! whether its suggesting smoking to cancel out the toxic apple skin or suggesting words u cant think of#glenn said he was upset about feeling misrepresented and picked on#dennis gets angry for those exact reasons in.... ALL of his big rage scenes#its frustration that leads to anger because youre speaking to (another) brick wall and you can't adequately explain yourself#which. glenn is clearly more competent than dennis & i think a lot of the time in sunny the gang is WAY more obtuse for the sake of comedy#but its interesting to watch the dynamic because as charlie said last week#they are mac and dennis (especially when theyre fighting)#i just think.. they are in a semi-unique position to understand this because this is how they are. while several other writers do not get i#ada speaks#untagged
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I think it would be nice if one of the one-off Pokémon characters were a therapist and they were able to tell all the protagonists exactly what’s wrong with them.
#The only one without any sort of issues is fucking CILAN because he’s a perfect boy#Anyways Ash almost immediately gets diagnosed with PTSD from all the legendaries and he’s like “ah well them’s the breaks pal”#Like he does not care at all#And he turns to the others like “Let’s go and catch some Pokémon!” and they’re all staring at him like “ಠ_ಠ”
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They weren't lying, this psychological recovery journey got hands
#3rd month of taking antidepressants and knowing that There Is something majorly fucked up within me#i feel like im becoming normal bit by bit but also now my other problems become my aparent to me#i started to notice i have this childlike simplistic attitude towards wonder and relationships but also at the same time i understand the#severity of troubles around me on the level of burned out adult#but also it takes me from a week to several years to realize what people meant#and yet sometimes i get everything clearly#there are still ways to go#i still have to find a therapist#cuz psych diagnosed me with BPD; geberal anxiety disorder and ADHD and said i have autism signs that could explain the development of BPD#but all he can do is medical treatment which is not the kind you need for BPD and autism#im not saying you can treat autism but yeah he meant i need a psychotherapist for these instead of psychiatrist#i hope i can complete this mental health journey bcuz i feel like i finally got hit with all the weight of burnout i had all these years#i did some creative work in the august/early september but rn its all touching grass in real world and playing games#like i cook i help my family with chores i play fortnite i clean up my room i go out at 1am to look at the stars#all of my own volition without feeling like i need to push myself to do this#I'm scared that making art is not one of those things#i often have a thought that maybe art isnt really for me and in a perfect world i wouldnt do it#but then why am i so good at it#like...#petrotalk
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I will preface this by saying, I respect anyone's opinion that they have on a fictional character (duh)
But can I just say?? I hate the Hannibal has autism theory so baaaaaad
Like, first and foremost, fuck the DSM. None of us can fit perfectly into any categories that's not how people work anyway. (That being said, it is written and based off studies of white men, so it may hold some significance here.)
Second, I beg you to look up or watch content from people diagnosed with psychopathy or ASPD. A lot of the traits and repetitive behaviors and hyperfixations that people point out are also symptoms of psychopathy.
Like, a lot of the things Hannibal does also align very heavily with OCD. But there are comorbidities and overlap of symptoms, etc.
(None of what I'm saying really matters or holds any water idek why the autism theory bugs me; probably bc I have OCD and am v sensitive to ppl claiming they have it bc they're "neat" or had an intrusive thought of throwing their phone across the room.)
LMAO maybe I talked myself all the way around to not actually hating the theory
#annnnnnyway#ignore me#also hypocritically i feel hannibal leans mostly towards NPD#but a lot of those traits can be explained by other diagnoses#which people with psychopathy can love and it can also look like npd#so all in all#fuck the dsm#we're all right lmao#nbc hannibal#hannibal lecter#will graham#hannigram#hannibal
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they should invent a doctor that is competent and listens to patients
#non religion#health stuff#genuinely the funny thing about people being so against self dx bc “what if you're wrong hm?”#is that doctors are wrong ALL THE FUCKING TIME#and there's little to no like. actual consequences for it on the end of the dr#like i get that mistakes happen and i don't expect drs to be perfect every single time but *goddamn*#y'all's success rate is *abysmal*#and i do think there are some steps people should take to self dx in the most effective/ethical way#i think you should be doing a decent amount of research#i think you should be looking into/considering/ruling out differential diagnoses#i think it's important to listen to others with the dx and not helpful for anyone to position yourself as an expert#or position your experience as the “most valid presentation” or whatever#i get that it's not always accessible but i think in some cases getting a professional diagnosis is important#but like even if you don't do all that and you get it wrong (or if you do and you're just incorrect)#congratulations! so do doctors! literally all the time!#and if accommodating yourself in whatever way helps you function better who fucking cares
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you would have thought that i’ve learned my lesson by now about going into the ocd related tags on this goddamn website… and yet!
#i reached out to the last therapist i was seeing to try to reestablish weekly meetings#but dear god i’ve been compulsively scrolling through the tags and online forums to make sure that my experiences are the same as others to#prove i actually have ocd and that the intrusive thoughts aren’t subconscious desires#WHICH BAD UNHEALTHY#ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IVE BEEN DIAGNOSED#but also fucking of course the ocd related tumblr tags particularly pocd would be full of insane discourse and reassurance seeking#like fork found in kitchen#i really hope i’m able to get back into therapy soon#and maybe get back on medications#vent#tw ocd
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me seeing people miss that Toga's decision to "die" comes from believing Touya has died and because Jin's suicidal devotion to his friends, worsened by the fact that his entire self-view and worth was determined by how much he FELT USEFUL to those said friends, has been romanticized by her as the ONLY way of finding peace and comfort in a cruel world:
#there are two problems with this fandom#most of y'all can't fucking read#and the other problem is that most of you aren't diagnosed with enough personality disorders to understand any of this#im glad i'm clinically insane and also can read#by the way im not saying jin was killed by anything other than keigo's stupid repressed homosexuality#in b4 someone argues with me that jin deserved to die or some other nonsense that was shown to be wrong since the raid arc
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