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quindread · 2 years ago

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THE COTTAGECORE MARI AU PROMPT THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR

Pairing: Daminette (edit: they’re like 19/20 in this, post high-school)

Rating: It has mature themes, you have been warned. But it’s pretty tame at the same time. Violence + Sexual Themes

________________

Mari is diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety disorder after she quite literally removed her beloved city’s supervillain (and her dear partner’s parent) from the plane of existence. Like she removes the suffering from the minds of all of Paris and has Gabriel written off in a car accident a year after his wife’s disappearance. Only her Court (Adrien, Kagami, Zoe, Alix, Max) and the Order remembers. Mari and Adrien decide not to pursue a relationship. They’re both healing and are decidedly better off friends - siblings in everything but blood.

Lila, who was not punished due to her not really being a miraculous holder and upsetting the balance, continues to slander Mari. Her class isn’t hostile but has no desire to interact with the “new and mean Marinette” Lila was painting her to be. It’s still a huge betrayal given the fact that Mari was supportive and very generous to these people.

So here’s how her new housing arrangement works: have you ever wondered how Gina can afford to travel around the world without a job? Yeah, I think she came from money. Like, old money - real estate old money to be precise. Passive income and such. Hearing about her Fairy’s situation, she offers an unused property at the countryside of Metropolis.

Marinette’s therapist and parents approve of her vacationing there for the summer when they realize that her stressors and triggers where all environmental. So off our girl goes!

Note: She does not have the mother box with her anymore, just Tikki, Plagg, and Kaalki. (She does have unrestricted access to it as the Grand Guardian though - she trains with the Order once a week in Tibet until she doesn’t)

Mari is aware of the Supers and was relieved that the Kwamis don’t show up in x-ray visions and with the fear of them eavesdropping she learns FSL to communicate with them.

The townhouse and the verdure around the property inspires Mari to start a garden. The quiet oddly soothes her and when she feels lonely she goes into town or the nearby farmer’s market where she charms the locals. She meets the Kents - they love her! Martha enjoys baking with her. Lois uncovers her identity as Jagged and Clara Nightingale’s exclusive (and reclusive) designer - they bond over fashion trends and the gossip surrounding the industry. Clark and Jon were another story.

She figures them out having sensed the same soul in Superman and Superboy in this father-and-son duo. They x-ray her as a precaution and finds the mysterious cracks and evidence of past injuries that should have killed her. There’s a very anti-climatic reveal that Martha and Lois are not privy to with respect to Marinette’s wishes.

At least one Kent would be in her home during the day. The Kwamis are free to roam around when it was Clark and/or Jon visiting. She ends up bonding with Jon who also grew up too fast (metaphorically and literally).

She ends up extending her stay in Metropolis indefinitely. Her parents also decided to open a branch of their patisserie there which Mari managed. They visit her as often as they could.

Mari was dismayed to find that no, Metropolis had no schools with both a fashion and business degree - that’s how she ends up in Gotham University.

Jon tells Mari about a Damian - a friend of his.

J: He’s…. uh… he has a big heart.

M: …

J: He’s a bit of an asshole(?)

M: Ah.

Mari meets Damian who reminds her of Kagami - antisocial and proper. They share a few business classes and are both members of the art club.

Mari is still this ball of anxiousness and has only allowed Mia “Maps” Mizoguchi and Katherine Karlo into her life, the former she learned was close to Damian - she didn’t mind when she and the girls met up with Damian, he was quiet, honest, and minded his own business. Through their hangouts Damian finds out about the friendship between Jon and Mari.

He’s hesitant to befriend her at first due to the conflicting rumors about her: due to her timid personality she had a split reputation. One side called her sweet, shy, and kind. While the other calling her arrogant, high-maintenance, and rude. He soon finds out that the latter half were spread by cliques who’s offer of friendship she declined and men she rejected. He was glad that he relented to Maps’ insistent invitations - she was a decent person to hang out with and it didn’t hurt that she was pleasing to the eye. (She also enjoyed sharing her vegetarian salads with him - he starts appreciating it more when he learns that she picks the vegetables straight from the garden she grows.)

As her luck would have it, a robbery unfolds at one of their favorite coffee spots. Mari and Damian - who were both pretending to be civ - try to find a way to protect their friends. The robbers recognizes Damian as a Wayne and takes him and another GU(a school for rich and affluent people’s children) kid - Marinette - who had stood in front of her friends.

They’re gagged, blindfolded, and carted off to who knows where. Damian discreetly activates a distress signal and the bats spur into action. Mari, aware that she was sturdier than Damian, draws the men’s attention to her (she purposely pisses them off and gets beaten up when they start to pester Damian).

M: [removes her gag somehow] Really? A ski mask? And in black? How boring can you get?

*Damian shaking his head furiously in the background*

Kidnapper(KN): Shut up, girlie!

M: You know I always wondered how Kidnappers could have a secret a warehouse as a hideout. It’s not like you can afford the rent—

KN: Are you trying to get yourself killed?

M: You’re backed up by some politician aren’t you?

KN: H-How the fuck did this bitch know?

M: There’s literally a stack of campaign papers behind you.

KN: Wha—

M: That’s some shit graphic design by the way. I’ve seen grade schoolers that can do better.

KN: [points a gun at her] Shut up or I’ll blow your brains out.

M: You wouldn’t.

KN: The fuck do you know—

M: You need me alive to get ransom from my parents.

KN: …Nobody said you had to be in one piece though.

M: Touché—[get slapped hard]

*Damian basically starts convulsing in the background*

M: …Damn. You punch like a cunt—[And the kidnappers basically start to rough her up]

The bats arrive in five minutes and it’s Red Hood that finds them first. He sees these mf’s beating up a woman and goes ballistic(pun intended). Red Robin and Spoiler has to forcibly restrain him when he starts to use his fist instead of his guns.

M: [bleeding and bruised] And that’s how you deck someone, you amateurs.

D: [who was released by Black Bat is confused, mad at himself, and in awe] You blithering idiot! Why the fuck would you aggravate our captors like that?

M: [delirious] It was either you or me Damian. Can’t have your pretty face damaged now, can we?

D: [Is floored and very concerned] And what of yours?

M: … dun worry—my assets are…elsewhere… [passes out from the pain]

D: …

Later, his family would tease him about the flirting when he isn’t all sensitive about the incident.

Winter break comes, most of the Batfam visits the Kents(they have a penthouse/some ridiculous property in Metropolis) as a tradition. The Kents went to visit Gotham and stayed at the manor last year.

(Batfam who went: Bruce, Dick, Jason, Steph, Cass, and Damian)

They visit Mari too. Dick and Steph are absolutely thrilled about her cottagecore lifestyle. So much so that they match her aesthetic and begin helping out in the garden - they send pictures to Alfred who request they bring back fresh produce.

Jon and Jason plot to get Damian and Mari together. Unbeknownst to them that Damian was already resolute on courting Mari like the decorous man that he was - he didn’t know what he was doing but Mari’s flush when he initiates flirting tells him he’s doing okay.

Because of his childhood, Damian was never the type to be touchy but imagine his shock when he finds out that one of his more prominent love languages was physical touch. He realizes he’s touch-starved almost immediately when Mari starts giving him small touches like a hand against his bicep, she had a fondness for touching his hair which never failed to deliver a shiver down his spine, and hugs from her are comforting - she felt like home.

Meanwhile Mari does not have any idea how she survived the early stages of Damian’s advances. He was blunt and did not pull his words with insults but it apparently translated to him being verbally open with his affections.

M: I always wanted to be the Knitting Fairy while growing up.

D: Does it not please you that you became a garden fairy instead?

M: Huh, that doesn’t sound so bad.

D: Well, you certainly look the part.

M: [turns into the same shade as the poppy beside her]

And then when the tension between them became more prominent he wasn’t shy with dropping innuendos too.

M: [open’s the door for Damian, haggard from lifting sacks of garden soil] Oh, I didn’t know you were coming so early. I’m a bit of a mess. Sorry.

D: [Tilts his head] You say that as if I wouldn’t appreciate you sweaty and tousled after a rigorous activity.

M: [self-combusts]

And when the touching began?

M: Damian, what color do you think looks better with this shade of blue?

D: [places a hand on her side while looking over her shoulder] I think the a more neutral cream would do.

M: [stops functioning]

Their first kiss?

Pulled straight out of a book that Marinette only read in the privacy of her bedroom.

They’re teasing each other, it evolves to a game of cat and mouse with Damian skillfully evading her. She corners him by turning on some of her sprinkles. He gets wet, growls in the way he would in Mari’s dreams, and pulls of his shirt. She’s too distracted by the hard planes of his stomach to notice him prowling towards her like a beast moving to claim his prey. He picks her off the ground with ease - he’s a foot taller than her - and takes her to the sprinklers.

(I’m going to write this part out properly, maybe to inspire myself or a potential adopter of this prompt)

“Nononono!” Marinette shrieks as the first round of water splashes her. She writhes but Damian had her arms held down her sides.

“All is fair in love and war, Ya Amar.” She ignores the endearment in favor of closing her eyes as the sprinkles rotate in their direction again. But she knows what it means. Ya Amar. My moon. His moon. The water had nothing on the chill that ran down her spine

The water stars seeping into her intimates and she’s soberly aware that the light fabric of her dress would betray her. It doesn’t take long for Damian to discover that fact, he releases a strangle sound. She opens her eyes, he snaps his eyes from where he was clearly looking at her chest. He scrambles to drop her.

“Shit— I’m sorry. This was not my intention—“ he starts but she’s faster. Her now free arms grasps his shoulders and without a second thought, she drops her lips to meet his. Damian inhales sharply and he tilts his head, temporarily breaking the kiss before raising her higher and pulling her by the back of neck - he kisses her with hunger and passion that has Marinette melting further against his chest.

She wraps her legs around his back and he moves to tightly grasp both the back of her thighs. She would worry about bruises later when she didn’t have Damian’s tongue caressing her own. He drops them to the ground and Marinette does not release her hold over his waist. She whines against his lips when she feels the consequences of their activity.

His hands start wandering as he greedily collects and files the sounds that leaves her lips. He begins to trail kisses down her neck to the neckline of her dress that now clung to her body like a second skin giving him his first peek at the maddening shape of her body. And just when he trails a finger against the underside of her breast a loud noise pulls them apart.

Jason finds them and the sight in Mari’s garden has him dropping the shovel he was asked to bring over.

J: Fuck! No, don’t stop! Hell—I’ll leave—I didn’t see shit!

D: [moving to cover Marinette who covered her face in embarrassment] Fuck off, Todd!

J: I’m sorry! [slams the door shot]

D: Tt.

J: [shouts from inside the house] Use protection!

D: Todd!

They started officially dating that day and Jason had no reservations in sharing that he definitely cockblocked his little brother much to Mari and Damian’s horror.

Both keeps the PDA to minimum in school but it was very clear how amorous they where in “private”. There is a table in the art hall that Mari can’t quite look at without blushing to her roots.

She finds out he’s Robin after her first encounter with his alter-ego. He confesses his past when she confronts him. There’s fear of abandonment in his eyes when he gazes at her after his spiel but she kisses his worries and doubts away. She even goes to show her appreciation for his years of service to Gotham.

Her reveal happens when she unceremoniously drops a vial in Jason’s hand claiming that it would remedy the effects of the Lazarus pits with continuous use - it was completed after a year in the making.

Cardinal joins the Batfam occasionally as part of Batman’s contingency plans. They respect her choice as a retired super-soldier and try to keep her out of the business which she appreciates. She is officially initiated as a member of Justice League Dark as an informant/magic specialist and a wildcard.

Years later, she legally inherits the property from Gina when she and Damian get engaged. Damian moves in with her and she lives her cottage life all while being a reclusive designer that comes out once in a while for fashion week.

FIN

AN:

Maybe there’s a Lila take down somewhere but I don’t have the energy to write her at all. We all know its Damian and Tim that makes sure she never sets a foot in high society ever again.

Ig add some details about learning to healthily cope with her anxiety disorder under the guidance and love of her found family? (I have a similar illness but me and my therapist are still figuring it out so I have little idea how to write this) Her PTSD does not need further discussion (miss ma’am had to kill someone) but her anxiety disorder stems from the fact the she’s a person who’s in charge of world-ending powers - everyone and even yourself can become untrustworthy. She starts to get nervous from misreading body languages and everyone is suddenly out to get her.

#mlb x dc #i wrote this instead of studying #daminette #marinette dupain cheng #bamf marinette #maribat

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unconventionalventblog · 2 years ago

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🚑

Well, this is wonderful. This started at 10:40 something at night, ended at 11:40 something at night. It’s currently 12:10 as I write this. Not sure how to feel.

So, to put it bluntly, my mother just had a drug overdose. I’ve heard of things like this happening, but this is the first time I’ve actually seen it. The fact that the first person I see it happen to is my mother, make it fucked up (I think).

Luckily, we (me & my father) called and ambulance and she’s headed to a hospital. Not sure if she’s gonna make it or not, hopefully so. Me and my father were gonna drive her to the hospital, but couldn’t get her off of the floor, so that’s when we called.

It was fucked up, seeing my mom throwing up in the bathroom. She could barely talk, and she couldn’t move much. She layed for a moment, but panicked and sat back up because ‘things were spinning’. I can’t image how terrifying that is. I was able to manage to get some information out of her, to help the medical services understand what happened.

I don’t think it was an attempted suicide, even though that does sound like something my mom would do. Unfortunately, the pharmacy couldn’t give my mother her new medicine prescription, due to medicaid/medicare (not sure which one it is) not being able to pay for it for another four days. I think she panicked, and decided to take her old medicine (which her doctor told her to stop taking) believing if she took enough it would help. She was slurring her words, but she managed to tell me she took 8-10 pills, and she did so in the afternoon. (Note : This is strange to me, because me and her were in the living room from 1:00 to 5:30. I never saw her take medicine out, nor take it. I’m not saying she’s lying, but the living room is small, I thought I would’ve saw it.)

The medicine my mom takes (I won’t say the name) is 1 mg per pill, and taking more than 5 mg is toxic. So, she took 8-10 mgs of medicine.

Not sure if I should be understanding or frustrated with my dad’s reaction to this. My mom told him how much medicine she took while throwing up, and his immediate reaction was to call her stupid. Gee thanks, dad, very helpful. That’s the worst thing you could’ve said. The only reason we knew it could be fatal was because I decided to google it quickly to find it out.

My dad’s reaction was selfish, maybe he didn’t realize. He seemed to only think of himself for a moment, instead of my literal drug overdosed mom on the floor. He only thought about how it would affect him, and make things harder for him. Which I understand, my mom doesn’t work. She stays at home and takes care of me, my dad’s the one who works. Her not being here will make it harder, but I’ve been on my own without her before. But his reaction was still bad.

Luckily, when I told him this could kill her, he gave a shit (thank god). He was the one who called the ambulance.

The police were okay. They did there jobs, though a little comfort would’ve been nice. The same things with the paramedics, though this one paramedic called my pet guinea pig ‘ugly but cute’. That made me laugh a little, so I’m grateful for that.

Afterall of this, I’m not sure how to feel. My mother has schizoaffective disorder, and has been diagnosed since 2021. She’s been hospitalized multiple times. I understand how an illness could affect you badly, but during these past 3 years (she first started have trouble during 2020) she’s stopped being a mother to me. She just lays on the floor all day, and it feels like I’m the one who has to take care of her, instead of the other way around (I think that’s what parents do, I don’t know). This may seem cruel to say, but I don’t really see her as a mother anymore, she’s more like some woman who just lives in our apartment. This doesn’t mean I don’t love her, I do, but she’s not the same person she was before. I know this isn’t her fault, as I have diagnosed PTSD and I know how badly mental illness affects people.

I don’t feel sad. Which makes me feel disgusted, I should feel sad for her. But after all the stress she’s put me under, I just don’t feel sad, only frustration because my own health has started to be affected by hers. Obviously, I hope she makes it though, she’s still my mom even if she doesn’t act like one. At the end of the day, she’s the one that overdosed, not me, therefore her health (as it has for these past 3 years) comes before mine (because she’s literally fucking dying right now).

Written On : 12:10 AM, to 12:35 AM. Friday, April 21 2023.

Current Song (I’m Listening to as a Coping Mechanism) : Message In A Bottle - The Police (Ironic, considering I don’t like The Police much.)

Current Emotion : Tense/Frustrated, but Calming Down.

Other Notes : I can’t breathe out of my fucking nose right now, and it’s driving me insane.

#tw drugs #tw drug overdose #mental health #🧭UnconventionalVents

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ms-demeanor · 2 years ago

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@postsforposting - I wanted to respond but that thread has gotten completely unmanageable and I feel bad for continually showing up in OP's notes.

I feel like that isn’t what was meant, though. You absolutely can help someone feel better even if they’ve got a disorder, they shouldn’t be treated like they’re completely unhinged from reality as a rule. There is a huge difference between “I am trying to cure you with a sentence and the PoWEr oF LOvE” vs doing the same thing you would do for any other partner when you said something shitty or you’re trying to have a difficult conversation.

I think you're reading the WaPo article too literally here and saying that he means this is applicable to everyone who has ever been diagnosed with a major psychiatric disorder, which is one possible interpretation of that statement, but is the least charitable possible interpretation; on his site he talks about *untreated* addiction and major psychiatric illness in people who refuse to get treatment for those issues as deal-breakers, but not the illnesses themselves. You are obviously not obligated to go read every author's full website before you judge what they're saying in an interview, but the statement that he did make was this:

[this advice] does not apply to abusive situations or relationships in which there is a power imbalance, major psychiatric disorder, addiction or another issue that may require putting your own safety first and seeking professional help.

Which can very easily be restated as "this advice does not apply to [...] relationships in which [...] major psychiatric disorder [...] may require putting your own safety first and seeking professional help." The only thing he is saying that it full-stop does not apply to is abuse, otherwise he's saying that addiction/disorder/other issues *may* require professional help and in that case the advice does not apply.

I think that when you say he's acting as though people should be treated as if they were unhinged from reality you're reading something that just isn't there.

Everything else he’s talking about, everything in that NYT article (which is an entirely different tone from the wapo, weirdly) goes for someone who has a disorder just as it does for someone who does not. He talks about people who have trauma from childhood, and working past it: he himself says he fights and gets angry easily because of his childhood; how is that any different from someone with PTSD or depression who reacts negatively? Yet he doesn’t say that he’s an exception to his own advice. Those people need the same kind of approach and “relational” care that he talks about. You (general you) can’t just go “well you’re being delusional” and refuse to acknowledge you said anything nasty or flew off the handle yourself, or that you need to have a cool down yourself. There’s a difference between “some of my feelings are because of the disorder, and nothing will change that” and “some of this is because of things my partner controls or did, and they need to acknowledge and fix that”–exactly the kinds of things he’s talking about. If you feel like shit because your boss is an asshole micromanager, you can separate that from the stuff your partner does, and not take your boss out on your partner. The same is true for disorders: you may still feel like shit no matter what your partner does, but you can tell the difference, and your partner ought to know the difference between attempting to cure you vs taking responsibility for leaving their dirty laundry flung all over the house.

Again, I think this comes from a misreading of that line. He isn't saying that he's exempt from this condition; if he had refused to get treatment for his PTSD and had continued to suffer outbursts of fear and aggression that made it impossible for his partner to feel secure with him and insisted that he was fine and didn't need to do anything about his screaming or throwing things, then he would be included in the group for whom this advice does not apply.

Remember that the advice that he's saying doesn't apply in these situations is "put aside objective reality to consider your partner's subjective situation."

If Alice and Bob are in a relationship and Alice is upset that Bob is blowing her off to stay home and get some extra sleep or cancelling plans made in advance because he's just not up for it *and Bob has untreated major depressive disorder and is sleeping twelve hours a day and is never up for going out or eating or getting out of bed or showering* that is when Alice should not put aside objective reality. If Alice puts aside objective reality in that situation and tries to make Bob happy by giving him space and letting him stay in bed and never asking him to go anywhere then Alice is going to be sacrificing things that make her happy for a partner who isn't going to start feeling better and more respected and listened to because of her sacrifices.

Apply the same advice to an addiction framework. If Alice is upset that Bob is blowing her off to stay home and drink, or cancelling plans because he's not sober enough to drive, then it isn't a good idea for Alice to ask herself "what can I do to improve his situation and our relationship" because there is nothing that Alice *can* do, it is Bob who has to take action.

Same thing in the depression example: nothing that Alice can do to be nice to her partner or accommodate him and make sure he's feeling heard and loved is going to treat his depression. It might make him feel a bit better to know that he's loved, but it might also make him feel more guilty and spiral deeper into depression.

I think it would be incredibly weird and concerning to insert a caveat for other illnesses like “hey, you can’t cure this, don’t try, take care of yourself first”. Perhaps the caveat is only there because people widely do think disorders are fake and you really can cure them with twue wuv, but that’s fairytale nonsense and I don’t think that has a place here anymore than believing you can cure cancer and other chronic illness with twue wuv would.

I mean, Real is talking about people who don't have particularly good communication styles and who are having relationship issues. There are a *ton* of people out there who not only think that they CAN treat their partner's mental illness or addiction on their own, they think that they SHOULD and that it is their responsibility, specifically because a lot of people have been TOLD that taking care of their partner's emotional state is their responsibility; those people are likely to have poor communication styles and relationship issues.

That’s the starting point, so it makes sense that things need to be framed selfishly in order to get moving on fixing it, on changing it: there just isn’t the capacity for selflessness without getting something for self, yet. It’s a practical framing.

But as an end goal….selfishness is not a good mindset to have.

Selfishness isn't the end goal; as you noted, it's the entry point to people who don't understand that cooperation is in their self-interest. The end goal is recognition that the relationship is an ecosystem that you and your partner both occupy and if you want to be in a healthy relationship you have to take care of the ecosystem *instead of* having the knee-jerk reaction to take care of yourself.

I think part of the problem is that most of the population, at least in America, uses hate and thus interprets “normal marital hate” to mean things like the idolization of abuse, and that those things are normal. I kind of wonder if Real knows about that, or if he’s even addressing the same audience, because I would not have picked that phrase or anything like it if that’s who I was talking to.

Honestly I think it's pretty clear that Real *is* aware of this phenomenon and has chosen "normal marital hate" specifically because it sounds more outlandish than "sometimes you'll be peevish with your spouse." I think the point of using a provocative phrase like that is to get people to talk about stuff and open up about the unique dislike that pops up from time to time in long relationships.

One thing that people have kind of been talking around is that in long relationships you've been with each other long enough that minor annoyances compound into infuriating, needling little jabs (you haven't asked them a hundred times to pick up their socks, you've asked them a thousand times, and you gave up asking because they were never going to do it, they aren't wired that way and you love them and it's not a big deal but the thousandth time you have picked up their socks because they won't just do this one thing that you want them to do because the clutter makes you crazy and they love you too aren't they supposed to care about the things that make you crazy? Fuck! How have I been living like this for ten years I fucking hate living with socks on the ground and they just won't fucking listen about it! Fuck!) that are made worse because they are coming from someone who knows you better than anyone and who you love and you end up feeling betrayed and like they don't love you and aren't taking care of you.

That is, honestly, a scary feeling even if it's something that happens over something as silly as whether socks make it into the hamper.

And it's not something that most people in healthy relationships expect, so when they're suddenly crying over the laundry basket and going "do they even love me at all? Do I even belong here? What went wrong in my life that this is where I ended up, I could have been doing something amazing in a cool city with a partner who treats me like royalty and always picks up their socks" they're shocked and surprised and upset.

"Normal marital annoyance" doesn't quite cover the "should I leave my partner and find someone with a motorcycle and a proper understanding of laundry" feeling that pops up once in a while after you've lived together for ten or so years. If you think that it's normal to be annoyed by your partner but not normal to be struck with occasional existential dread and resentment (because brains are kind of bad and made of biases and logical fallacies and decide to say "if you didn't move in with this sock-ogre you could have had the perfect relationship" every once in a while) you're going to be very upset if you have those feelings and think that they're unique and uncommon and an indicator that your relationship is on the rocks.

Honestly I think "normal marital dread" might be a better/broader phrase than "normal marital hatred" that would be similarly attention-getting and less immediately dismissable. There are plenty of people who see "hatred" and go "couldn't be me, I love my partner" who will be very shaken if they stumble across unexpected dread in five years or so. There are also plenty of people who go "of course hating your partner is normal," and will not look at the phrase any further and will therefore stay in really shitty relationships that they should be looking to pull the plug on.

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ceridwyn2 · 3 years ago

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This may seem like a stupid (and unpopular with some) question, with AO3, is there a way to filter out some writers in search results? I’m doing a search through a particular fandom (no, not stating which one, as I’ve seen it across more than just one fandom) at the moment, and there is a lot of crap there amongst the good gems. I’m picky when I read fanfic 😅 , and a lot of times I don’t have time to wade through hundreds/thousands of stories to look for the good ones.

By the way, this ended up being a lot longer than I originally intended 😂 as I was thinking it through. What I like in the stories I read as follows:

A) Be grammatically correct

B) Spelling correct

C) Sentence & paragraph structure correct. Dialogue for each character in separate paragraphs.

D) Point of View: maintain one person’s point of view either for the whole scene or whole story. Especially important if stories are written in first person (I/My/Me) or second person (You/Them/They). These stories are often harder to write and maintain throughout well. If it’s first person, you’re only writing from one character’s point of view: on how *I* see/hear/experience the things around *me*. *I* don’t/can’t know what the other characters are thinking/feeling other than what *I* see/observe in their behaviour, unless they tell *me* what they think/feel. Writing in second person is equally difficult to maintain unless you’re very skilled at it. You’re writing as though your addressing the reader/person directly, as if you know them personally, intimately (does not need to be sexually) by using *you*. / Example: You love to write; you should do it more often. / If you’re of a certain age and remember the ‘choose your own adventure’ child/young adult books of the 70s-90s, they were in a person point of view.

Majority of fanfiction, and fiction in general is written in third person. Third person is like you’re the audience watching a tv show/film/play/book. You’re a non-active participant of what is happening and cannot affect the direction or outcome of the story. The primary subject of the scene is referred to by their name or rank and their pronoun(s), and is often the first character mentioned at/near beginning of the scene / Example: DCI Cassie Stewart walked into the incident room of her Historic Cases Unit, with a quick glance at her officers before heading into her office. It wasn’t long before her second in command, DS Sunil Khan, or Sunny, as he preferred, wrapped on the glass window pane of her office door. / That scene is dictated from her point of view, how she directs those around her and how those around her interact with her. Had it been slightly different, but same scenario: /DS Sunil Khan looked up as the door to the Historic Cases Unit opened and saw his boss, DCI Stewart, make her way to her office, glancing at the team as she did. Having got some new leads on their current case overnight, Sunny headed towards her office to notify her ahead of the day’s briefing. / This obviously changes whose point of view is the primary for that scene to Sunil.

Third person It allows the writer to explore different perspectives and viewpoints of different characters to move the story forward. However, that being said, to avoid reader confusion, pick one character - a main character, supporting character, or a villain - as the primary character of that scene and stick with their focus/perspective for the duration of a scene/chapter. If you want to express multiple character’s reactions or points of view to a specific same scene (like say a team of detectives coming onto a murder scene) and if it makes sense to do so, you can write the scenes same but different as each character will have their own take on what they saw/perceived/when they entered/exited the scene - but each character that you’re writing about will have a separate section, separated by punctuation marks, above and below the change of perspective. However, that can easily come across as too repetitive for the reader. Might be best to put that in a notes page each scene of how each sees the same scene - because you as the audience can visualise the characters as being there, when they arrived and what they observed. When you write the scene, write it from one character’s point of view, but as you have the other characters interacting with them, they can comment on what they saw observed, contributing to the overall pieces of information, without repetition, unless it contradicts or adds to a specific point being made.

E) Age correlateable. By which I mean, if someone’s going to write about established characters that are in their 40s, 50s, etc., their life experiences, maturity, have them act/respond to each other as such. I have read stories - or rather attempted to - but the mental maturity of the author was showing through characters in their 40s, 50s, and it was obvious the writer hasn’t grasped that maturity of the characters. Listen to the character’s voices (what they’re saying, how they’re saying, even what they’re not saying but expressing visually) you’re writing about. This really comes out when writing arguments and sex scenes, btw.

F) Physical/mental characteristics: If a character has an illness or physical disability, or like affecting joints or paralysed limbs, amputations, or anything that affects movement, be aware of that, esp if writing a sex scene (a whole other rabbit hole of bad writing exists there, see next item). If in an argument, you’re trying to express the character throwing something in anger, like a mug/glass, etc., for example, and the character has an injured/disabled arm, their strength to throw is going to be limited. Show the character’s frustration that the action they wanted had less effect at releasing that anger/frustration. If the character has a visual (partial or full blindness) or auditory disability (eg. hard of hearing, deafness in one or both ears, over-sensitive to sound/volume), take that into account. Esp in arguments, if one of the people in the scene has a tendency to mumble, they may not be understood as words run together are not easily decipherable either by sound or lip reading. Mental health /illness (eg PTSD /complex PTSD [cPTSD], depression, anxiety affects physical health responses. If the characters have mental health disorders, be aware and maintain that continuity through the story. Don’t need to mention it all the time but be aware it can affect movement/physical responses, behaviour. And unless you’re House, you don’t need to include every odd, weird, very rare symptom he seems to need to diagnose something for the character 😂 .

G) Sex scenes: some are done so well that it’s seamless and flows well with the other parts of the story, where the intimacy blends well. Others, very much no so. Unless it’s a specifically written PWP (plot, what plot) story, and those can work when written well. Trust me, I’ve read otherwise well-written stories ruined by a sex scene that reads like a bad porn with characters that otherwise had physical limitation(s) in the rest of the story but were suddenly able to pull off manoeuvres of someone 20 years younger and fully able-bodied. Like someone just tacked on an explicit sex scene on that didn’t mesh with the story as if they were two completely different people that happened to have the same names as the ones in the rest of the story.

H) Continuity. Whether your story is short or long, be aware of where your characters are/what they’re doing. Having a sense of timing. Helpful to have a notepad (digital or paper) sometimes to keep track of movement. They can’t be in two concurrent scenes at the same time. Passing off information between the characters; don’t assume one character (or group of characters) knows what the other(s) are doing, unless they are in contact with each other (visual/audio/both/text). Cause/effect. Action/reaction. There may be delayed effects or reactions (over scenes/chapters), but reference them back to the original cause or action and why there was a delay. For example, somebody witnesses or experiences a tragedy, war, fire, sexual assault, accident, or other traumatic experience, and it triggers a delayed emotional or physical response hours, days, months, years later. The character may or may not be able to explain to their partner, colleague, friend what it was that caused effect/reaction. Similarly, following onto earlier example of a thrown glass/mug/vase, if it smashes there could be subsequent injury from ceramic/glass/etc. like a cut finger/palm of hand if picking up the pieces/cleaning the mess. So maybe it requires a bandage or wrap. Continuity would include making further grasping of things discomforting or painful, maybe a comment from another person inquiring what happened later on if they’re noticing a bandage that wasn’t there the last time they saw them.

I) Alternate Universe stories. I don’t mind AUs when done right - so that even if the characters are placed in a different setting, their general personality traits are very recognizable. I’ve read quite a few that nail this perfectly. Others, not so much. When it works, it works. Otherwise it’s just slapping familiar names onto original fic just to get more eyes on a story.

#fanfiction #fanfic #writing #preferences #edits #filtering #writing styles #this ended up being longer and more detailed than I thought #AO3 #AO3 filters

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zainclaw · 3 years ago

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hmmm talk to us about both eddies and bucks ptsd and how it manifests differently? like you can take this as the s4 finale happenings or just generally✨

Okay so I just wanna make it clear that I'm obviously not a PSTD expert, and I never claimed to be. I’m sure not everyone diagnosed with this disorder has the exact same experience, so I can only reflect on my own.

And Eddie is definitely the one I can relate to the most? (Even before the s4 shooting, even before this new s5 clip of him collapsing - even though both those things only make me relate to him all the more. I’ll add on that later.)

Mostly because of the numbness I experienced in the years directly following my trauma. I was told it was a defense mechanism, my brain not wanting me to feel the bad things, so it just didn’t let me feel anything at all. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t happy. There was just... nothing. For two years I didn’t really smile? And I didn’t even take note of that at the time - it was my mom who told me, later on. And I always saw Eddie as someone who’d experience the same thing? After he came back from Afghanistan, and in the immediate aftermath of Shannon walking out on him and Christopher. For a few years, leading up to him moving to LA, I can see him struggling to feel anything at all. And then emotions slowly, slowly returned to him, mainly thanks to his son.

(I know it’s canon that Eddie’s dad used to tell him to ‘suck it up’ as well as Eddie expressing he needs to stay in control for Christopher, as an explanation to why we don’t see him getting overly emotional too often, but I don’t think those things shatter my headcanon. These things can co-exist.)

So let’s talk about flashbacks. The way Eddie falls to the floor in that s5 promo clip, looking so fucking similar to when he was shot in the street last season, just reminds me of my own ‘flashbacks’ I had in the direct aftermath of the trauma. (They stopped happening over time.) I had bodily harm done to me, and during those ‘flashbacks’ my body would react as if it was happening all over again. It just completely hijacks your body. And that’s what Eddie’s fall in that promo looks like to me. His brain just being so fucking convinced that he’s in that street getting shot again, tricking him that he’s feeling the bullet again, the force and pain knocking him over just like back then.

(I don’t really like using the word ‘flashback’ here because, for me, it’s a physical thing just as much as it is mental. And, idk, but ‘flashback’ sounds like it’s just something happening inside your head.)

That one clip has just given me so much hope? I’m so tired of writers giving their characters PTSD as nothing more but a plot device. A terribly inconsistent one, most of the time. They want their characters to have been through shit, and for that to affect them, but only sometimes. Only when it fits the plot. They only want their badass war veteran character to be triggered when it’ll make for a cool story, but the rest of the time said character is gonna act as someone who’s got no triggers at all. You know what I mean?

So many shows do this. 911 does this. Buck (and Christopher) most likely would have developed a fear of water after the tsunami. Chimney most likely would’ve been hesitant to get in a car again after his car accident. Bobby probably should be triggered by the people drinking alcohol around him throughout the seasons. Eddie should’ve found fireworks a little unsettling after returning from war.

These things could’ve still happened “off-screen”, sure. And I love how this is explored in fics. (Buck being scared of water post-tsunami, as well as him being hesitant around the ladder truck post-s2. Which only adds to him crawling under the firetruck to save Eddie in 4x14. Wow.) But it’s not shown in canon.

The only time the writers actually seem to remember that their characters should be triggered by their past trauma is what they did with Maddie; her not wanting a Christmas tree because it brought her back to a terrifying Christmas with Doug, as well as her freaking out when she dropped a plate like she thought Chimney was gonna hit her like Doug did. I was so happy they actually took her trauma seriously. But, yeah, for the most part... I feel like they’ve mostly forgotten about a lot of the other characters’ trauma.

And like I said in my original post about this, I’m not the slightest surprised by this anymore. I never expect a show to actually care enough to write a character with PTSD that I’ll be able to see myself in fully. But yeah whoops now I have hope for them actually giving us what we want with Eddie this season, and I’m both scared and excited to see what they’re gonna do.

...this got quite personal. Sorry about that. And I guess I talked mostly about Eddie, not so much about Buck. I hope you don’t mind <3

#starry anon #911 #eddie diaz #911 fox

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sithroyal · 5 years ago

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MODERN VERSE

VERSE TAG: ;;modern: i look to the stars and it feels like something is missing LOCATION: Varies [thread dependent] AGE: Default is 30 [otherwise, thread dependent]

Basic Information

X. Ben was born to Senator Leia Organa and high profile actor and model Han Solo. Due to their high activity schedules, Ben was left with various babysitters for much of his childhood. X. When he was ten, he was kidnapped by one of those babysitters and held for ransom. Ben has blocked out much of what happened while he was held by Snoke. Shortly after rescue, Ben was sent to live with his Uncle Luke in New York. (Note: While these memories are repressed, they are responsible for a later depersonalization disorder on top of various anger issues and chronic depression.) X. Growing up after Snoke’s kidnapping was difficult for Ben. He often felt different than his classmates and it was hard for him to make friends. His uncle caught on to this and tries enrolling him into various after school programs. He was often asked not to return due to his anger issues. X. As he got older, Ben expressed a deep desire to move out of his uncle’s house despite having nowhere to go. Seeing his father on television and in movies knowing that he wasn’t around was enough to make him irritable the rest of the day. Sharing his name and being stopped on the street by fans looking for photos only made things worse. X. In order to find something to get his attention, Ben took to technology and developed a fascination with graphics and coding. In freshman year, he started taking band classes. He can play trumpet, piano, and guitar. X. He tried getting in contact with his mother for a good part of his senior year of high school. When neither of his parents showed up for his graduation, he enlisted in the marines.

X. He tried getting in contact with his mother for a good part of his senior year of high school. When neither of his parents showed up for his graduation, he enlisted in the marines.

X. The day he left for basic training, Ben and Luke had an argument. Luke blamed him for taking off just as Han did and felt that the military wasn’t where Ben should have been going, that he was running away. Ben did nothing to him but he did become quiet enough to absorb what was said. The argument escalated and Ben threw terrible things at his uncle. It was nothing new. In the process, he shut down and focused on his basic training - started 2008.

X. Thirteen weeks basic training and no contact with his uncle made Ben flourish. He was one of the top recruits at the time, specializing in ballistic weaponry with melee and hand-to-hand combat as close seconds. While the training was exhausting, he began finding his confidence and backbone. At the same time, he was starkly reminded that he had little to no place in the slowly crafted groups of various other marines. This distance was justified for him in the way that distance would make loss easier later on. He started college soon after.

X. 2008, E1. Started college in New York as a reserve - two-day monthly and two weeks of annual training.

X. 2010, E3. During a training exercise, he engaged in unusual tactics to protect him and his men during a mock shoot out where they were pinned on location. First emergence of Kylo Ren in a non combat situation. Due to his quick decisions, Ben was commended by the officers overlooking his training.

X. 2011, E3 (Age 20). Grandmother died. Ben attended the funeral but didn’t speak to his family. All of his belongings were moved from the home and straight to a storage facility in Queens. Ben pays monthly for storage.

X. 2012, E-3 to O-1 (Age 22). Graduated fluent in Arabic and Urdu. Attended a ten week officer training class in Quantico, Virginia. Deployed on active duty near December. Ben was involved in protecting and evacuating civilians during a battle in an Iraqi city. Afterward, he was part of a search and rescue team to recover the injured and the dead.

X. 2014, O-1 (Age 24). From 2014 onward, Ben was deployed to Iran for multiple operations. At one point, he started to rethink his goals. Beginning of Kylo Ren starting to emerge, started brutal interrogation tactics of captured prisoners.

X. 2015, O-1 TO O-2 (Age 25). Promoted from rank O-1 to O-2.

X. Bought his own home and vehicle in New York state. Found out through his uncle that his father knew of him and was keeping an eye on him. Ben didn’t tell his mother but she informed him months later that she already knew. Most of the Solo family knows who he is and what he does. While he doesn’t have a target on his back, they do keep tabs on him.

X. 2015. Ben was employed by his mother mainly because he was needed for translation assistance as well as his unique but effective interrogation techniques. He was given full reports and was only allowed to translate small pieces at a time for confidentiality sake, but what information was given to him via questioning was unfiltered.

X. 2015-2017. (Verse dependent)

(Option 1) - multiple failed attempts at dating men and women alike. Very few could handle his constantly shifting lifestyle. Two girlfriends cheated on him, three boyfriends ghosted him.

(Option 2) - multiple PTSD induced nightly issues. Sleeps away from his partner to keep them from having to deal with his inability to sleep at normal hours and/or long periods of time. Snappy, irritable, and quite easy to set off. Would never hit his partner conscious but he does have issues where waking may cause him to choke them. Attempts many different therapists and rarely sticks to a single one until the end of 2016 - failed by mid 2017, Kylo Ren scared the therapist by revealing her address, phone number, and threatened to skin her family alive.

X. 2017 O-2 (Age 28). Early in the year, January through May. Ben began making efforts to finish his education on Spanish and Russian, and finished Spanish. Listed the course completion on his files. He went from performing operations to preventing loss of life on the ground by translating messages sent from opposing forces. Begins to feel he has his issue with Kylo under control (except he doesn’t).

X. 2017 O-2 to O-3 (Age 28). Late in the year, May until early 2018. Promoted to O-3 mid-May. Deployed to Afghanistan again. Captured by enemy forces in early June. Ben remained with them for almost a year before he was freed by a US Air Force pilot (Verse Dependent - Could be any SW Resistance or First Order Pilot.)

X. 2018 (Age 29). Ben spent the majority of the year in recovery. The first few weeks was touch and go but he was allowed out of the hospital within two months time. Because of the various injuries, he not only had to have physical therapy to recover (which he took on easily) but narcotic painkillers to manage his chronic pain. He didn’t allow many people to see him while he was recovering and took to staying at home alone unless friends showed up without mention. Partners were automatically allowed near him but instructed, by him, not to try to coddle him.

X. His injuries include; the long scar down his face, a bullet wound to his left shoulder, and a near fatal wound to his abdomen.

X. Late 2018. Leia has him reassigned to a position in intelligence.

X. 2019 O-3 to O-4 (Age 29-30). Officially diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and general anxiety disorders. He refused additional therapy and any medications prescribed to him. Managed to pay his home and vehicle off, does freelance translations in his spare time. He remains at home for the most part and works on his abilities in the backyard, surrounded by a privacy fence. Chewbacca (gift from vuuelo and service dog in training), his dog, remains with him for the most part along with any romantic partners.

X. As a safety measure, Chewbacca will alert anyone in the home to Ben’s depersonalization disorder acting up. He will bark and growl, then attempt to put himself between the other person and Ben in order to keep Ben from harming them.

X. He has a home in New York City and another in D.C. and frequently travels between the two. Because of his position, he often sees his mother and works with her but rarely speaks to her on a personal level. He hasn’t seen Han much at all since he was young and he actively avoids Luke if he can help it.

Important Note: Due to Ben’s high amount of emotional and mental instability after spending a year as a POW, any romantic relationships may be highly toxic. He does not take medication for his mental conditions and can endanger himself and anyone in his home with him. While Chewbacca will growl at him if ‘Kylo Ren’ is at the forefront, this does not mean that other people in the house will be safe.

Simplified Military Timeline

Joined up in '08, completed training & was actively a RESERVE by mid-'08

O-1 promotion in 2012; Active Duty, commissioned December O-2 promotion in 2015 O-3 promotion in 2017 O-4 promotion in 2019 Currently Reassigned As: O-4 (Major); MOS 0211 CI/HUMINT or Counter Intelligence and Human Intelligence Specialist

Yearly Salary: $89,524 Monthly: (Before Taxes) $7,460; (After Taxes) $5,068 Vehicle: Jeep Wrangler TJ Sport 03

$2100 monthly bills: electric, internet, cable, water, waste management 50 (every three months), car insurance, car payment, house payment (including insurance) $2968 left || $2568 after food ($100 per week)

Option 1: Possibility of meeting him somewhere in town, likely a coffee shop, grocery store, or walking to and from his office in either area. Option 2: Working with him or around him. Ben will visibly flinch if called ‘Kylo Ren’ by anyone other than his old unit mates.

Fandoms/AUs that use this verse as a base:

The Walking Dead: ;;twd: until the light finally dies // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change aside from dates. Given the length of the series itself and the numerous ways Ben could come into the main group, this will require plotting on a person-by-person basis. Resident Evil: ;;RE: this is how you rot // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change. After hearing that the Umbrella Corporation is reportedly at the root of all issues, Senator Leia Organa petitions for her son to go undercover for them. Plotting available on a person-by-person basis. Day After Tomorrow: ;;DAT: it ended in ice // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change. The Silence: ;;the silence: sometimes silence is the best answer // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change. Birdbox: ;;birdbox: seeing shouldn't be believing // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change. Jurassic Park/World: ;;jurassic: of teeth and scales // Fully Customizable - above backstory does not change. Movie information only. Ben is hired by the owners of the park to stand in as security detail for the island and the owners themselves.

#;;verses: all #;;modern: i look to the stars and it feels like something is missing #;;twd: until the light finally dies #;;the silence: sometimes silence is the best answer #;;birdbox: seeing shouldn't be believing #;;jurassic: of teeth and scales #;;RE: this is how you rot #;;DAT: it ended in ice

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asocier · 4 years ago

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🥝🍎🍅 for ali and emile !!!

( fruity headcanons; not accepting! )

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ ��habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

alison can run in heels. granted, that doesn’t mean she does it often ( or really wants to frequently ), but heels are a very normal part of her wardrobe by choice rather than an imposed dress code. couple that with the fact that it’s very easy for alison to get spacey and lose track of time, running down blocks on the street, down the hall at the office, or even down ( and god forbid, up ) a flight of stairs are all things she has informally trained for while rushing to catch up on lost time. it’s also important to note, however, that alison is also quite clumsy at times, so the risk of a twisted ankle is a risk that forever looms over her, thus making running with heels practically an extreme sport.

emile is a napkin doodler whenever he’s out at restaurants. he often works during lunch ( which is a bad habit since lunch should be a break time!! ), so he has pens on him often. it’s easier for him to just grab a napkin and doodle on it rather than a sheet of paper from his work briefcase, and plus, he enjoys leaving his doodles behind on clean napkins for someone else to find once they take his spot at the table or are bussing the table up for the next guest.

🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

canonically, alison’s mental health conditions are undiagnosed, and she indeed should attend therapy and seek help. as a survivor of sexual assault, domestic violence, and emotional manipulation, alison’s mental health has certainly taken a toll. however, she thinks voicing her problems are a burden on those around her, and so she tends to suppress her needs and pretends that she is stable. she’s highly functioning -- however, she suffers from vivid nightmares and symptoms of ptsd, is anxious around the opposite sex in certain contexts, and often blames herself for what has happened to her.

emile is a victim of bullying during his developmental years on account of his sexuality. as such, he’s very anxious when it comes to actually coming to terms with his sexual and romantic orientations, and he continues to suppress that side of him at times despite wanting to come out and experience more in his dating life. emile puts on a face of mental stability, however, it’s possible that he has underlying mental health conditions that can only be diagnosed if he were to make the effort to see a professional. besides anxiety, emile may suffer from mild depression as a result of being unable to help his sister in her time of need, his unfulfillment in life, and feelings of “disgust” about his sexuality that still plague him, even if he’s understanding his sexuality more.

🍅 : how does my muse feel about plastic / cosmetic surgeries & procedures? is it something they have done or would do? do they mind if others do it?

alison is definitely not the type to judge and think poorly on those who have gone under the knife for cosmetic reasons. it’s so normalized now, and while there is an element of fakeness to plastic surgery when it’s overdone, she acknowledges that cosmetic surgeries, when done properly, can make people feel much happier. it’s not always something a person does for other people. she would never go through with a procedure herself, both out of fear and for financial reasons, but she has wondered what it would be like if she had her breasts done since naturally, her chest is small.

emile shares pretty much the exact same sentiment as his sister. he wouldn’t judge someone based on the fact they had cosmetic surgery done -- it’d only really be a problem for him if it was overdone ( or poorly done ), or if the person was so obsessive about plastic surgery that their health was on the line. personally, he doesn’t see himself ever having plastic surgery. he’s fairly happy with the way he looks.

#( alison ) headcanon;#( emile ) headcanon;#trigger warning #answered;#truthbit #cw: long post

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justsomeelf · 5 years ago

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Was Korekiyo Shinguji Innocent?

!tw: lots of abuse topics !!This is very long but there’s a TLDR at the bottom !!!Danganronpa spoilers ahead for V3 (obviously)

Cough oh shit look at that, discourse which no one cares about because I’m irrelevant.

No but seriously, I want to make this perfectly clear before I begin, I am writing this while throwing away my biases and being as open-minded as I always try to be. This is going to be an incredibly long post about what people think about Korekiyo Shinguji, and that reasons for disliking him isn’t as shallow as just disapproving of the actions he took in the game. If you’re interested about what I have to say, click keep reading, if you just want a shorter version of what I meant there’s a TLDR at the bottom.

Oh wow you actually clicked it? Wait, wait, gotta keep this professional. So I’ll be splitting the topics around Korekiyo as; Storyline, Character Design and Personality, Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons, The “Main Problem”, and a Conclusion. Remember, you don’t have to read all of it, there’s still a TLDR at the bottom, but thanks for giving this a chance!

Danganronpa V3 Storyline

We are all aware at this point at what happened in V3 regarding Shingucci, and if you aren’t aware, then why are you reading this-

Throughout the first chapter Korekiyo is mostly just neutral and calm throughout everything, but still a little creepy with a few off hand comments about the beauty of humanity. Similar events happen in Chapter 2, calm, not really bothered by his fellow Ultimates no matter how bizarre some of them are. Rather helpful in the trial but still annoyed by Himiko’s insistence on genuine magic and continues to theorise how she could be the culprit, but was still mostly the same even after seeing Kirumi’s undignified exit and execution at the end of the trial. Chapter 3 rolls around and Angie decides to try and resurrect one of our fallen Ultimates, Kiyo decides to hold a seance to communicate with one of the lost spirits as well, but of course this is just a murder plan in disguise to send his sister more “friends”. Angie accidentally walks in on Kiyo mid-saw-cutting and to make sure she couldn’t tell anyone about his plans later on, he hits her over the head then brings her to her own lab, ends her life, and sets up a lock mechanism to lock the lab with the corpse in it.

He continues his seance plan due to ‘not wanting it to go to waste’, and says the next day they should use it to contact Angie. More stuff happens and Kiyo’s pleased with Tenko being such a good candinate to be his sister’s friend, and proceeds to kill her with the plan he originally set up. (While also setting it up so he could almost perfectly pin it on Himiko.) During the trial he’s as composed as ever but as more clues show him towards him being the culprit to both of the murders, he becomes increasingly more erratic, and the tulpa split personality of his sister appearing to calm him, but he eventually admits to being the culprit. After the trial he confesses his reasoning, the incestuous relationship with his older sister who he swore to send 100 (female) friends to after her sickly passing. Obviously, people were going to be disgusted by the incestuous relationship he had with his older sister, but that’s not always the reason people are going to dislike him in the story.

Korekiyo obviously hadn’t done much in the first two chapters aside from being helpful in the trials, and people don’t particularly like it when characters they like are killed, in Chapter 3 that concerns Angie, Tenko, and Kiyo. Angie was increasingly infuriating towards her demise, with the Student Council and the actions she took for what she wanted with the school, but was still an enjoyable character with her cheery attitude and honestly good intentions. Tenko both is and isn’t quite popular, with her resentment of men (which I won’t get into because that’s another topic entirely) gaining her hate, but her good intentions and wishes for friendship making her a likeable character. Kiyo hadn’t done much to establish his character side from being creepy, calm, and neutral, which doesn’t put much towards liking him if there’s no reason to, that isn’t to say there’s a reason to dislike him, just that there’s not enough events to show him in a highly positive light.

Character Design & Personality

To be perfectly fair, Kiyo’s final design was pretty well made in terms of appearance. By Kodaka taking a combination of multiple sorts of imagery, including underground culture, anthropology, and visual style, made him pleasing to look at aesthetically and in terms of genuine character. People can dislike him but still see his positive points essentially, at least design wise.

His personality is essentially what was previously mentioned, neutral, calm, creepy sometimes, and that’s essentially it. During the third trial he quickly became panicky when it was becoming obvious he had killed both Angie and Tenko (side note: it was extremely obvious he had killed Tenko from the start, Angie was the difficult one) but was calmed down by the ghost of his sister, also claiming he was deeply in love with her with what seemed to be genuine sincerity. There is also the fact that Kiyo felt no guilt for killing all those women to send to his sister, and seemed to consider everyone in the academy his “friends”, indicating he’s unable to understand or care about what other people feel. In the end he finally accepts his defeat and is executed by Monokuma and the later appearance of his sister’s spirit, causing his last expression to be disbelief and horror as both of them banish his spirit to the afterlife. The point of this paragraph is that although I understand why people can like his personality, people are allowed to dislike the kind of person he is by finding him boring, maybe a little annoying, selfish for having no regards for what the other characters felt, and it’s fine, because even if people dislike his personality they can still see why people like his personality.

Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons

Of course to start off with, there’s the canonical backstory of Korekiyo that we were given through FTEs and the storyline. Kiyo had a sickly older sister who almost constantly required to be in the hospital, since she was lonely without friends Kiyo would spend all of his time with her. One day reading a book about Anthropology with his sister who suggested he could research it, motivating him to become an anthropologist. His sister normally picked most things for him, his hair, tailoring his uniform, and so on. According to Korekiyo, he had an incestuous relationship with her, believing it was truly love with no care of what others thought, although at some point his sister died. Left alone and frustrated he swore to kill and send 100 friends to her since she had none in her lifetime, we’re also able to assume he got somewhere close to that number before his death though. (side note: I personally headcanon that Tenko was the 99th “friend”). While travelling he had been captured and tortured by locals, leading him to hallucinate his sister that calmed him down, which also caused him to form a split personality/tulpa.

Since that’s about all the information we were given, of course it left the fandom theorising and wondering about possibilities. There’s the semi-popular headcanon of Kiyo that he was abused by that sister, of course there’s obvious signs of manipulation in their relationship, telling him how to act, dress, talk, what to do and like and so on. The headcanon is also backed up by canon, which essentially does imply he was manipulated and abused by the sister, as he spent so much time with her that she relied on him.

(Personal Experience Ahead, I don’t mind it if you skip) I tried to force myself to like Kiyo. I really did. I thought that with this idea it does explain his actions better than the canon did. But I couldn’t. I was and still am abused by my older sister for a decade now, emotionally/psychologically, verbally, and physically. Now leaving me medically diagnosed with anxiety (social and generalised), depression, and PTSD. While the fandom seems to say Kiyo had been abused psychologically and some add sexually abused. Abuse is a difficult topic to talk about, even bringing it up in this sense has brought back horrible memories from my life, if you do genuine research or know from experience what that abuse like that is like, it’s fine and I wish the best for you. But please do not just slap “abused” on like a label, like it justifies his actions. I said previously it explains it, not justifies. The “Main Problem”

I’m sure some people would be aware this was coming, if you have knowledge of V3′s full game, simply hearing Kiyo’s name will remind you of the third trial.

Korekiyo’s sister. Implied to be abusive, manipulative, constantly sick, dependant on Kiyo, now deceased, and previously in an incestuous relationship with him. The things Kiyo said about her would obviously throw everyone off, incest is quite revolting, so of course people would dislike him after hearing he was in a relationship with his older sister.

But that does not mean it’s the only reason to dislike Korekiyo.

(Intense) Kiyo fans immediately go to hating on and blaming the canon whenever someone says they dislike him, assuming they’re always referring to the sister relationship for their dislike. That is not always going to be the reason. Yes, the presence of the incestuous relationship is problematic if you want people to like Kiyo, but please don’t always assume it’s because of the third chapter. It’s as simple as having an open conversation, not attacking the creators, the character, or the person you’re disagreeing with, then if you can’t reach a conclusion, just agree to disagree and leave it there.

Conclusion I guess

Obviously most of this was just covering what we already knew, but reminding information is normally necessary for things like this. Did I just waste hours of my time writing an essay on a fictional character? Yes. Do I expect everyone to agree? No. Do I mind? No. Was there a reason to make this? Yeah, kinda. I just want to lay it out there that people are entitled to their own opinions, free speech and all that good shit. So people are allowed to decide whether they like Kiyo or not, just don’t hate them or assume and scream that it’s only because of chapter 3 that they dislike him. Everyone can have an opinion, people like Kiyo for their own reasons, people dislike Kiyo for their own reasons, V3 is done and finished. If you’re still unsatisfied you can go ahead and argue with me, I’ll try to stay level headed and hear you out.

TLDR: People can have opinions. Kiyo stans don’t always assume it’s because of the sister that people dislike Kiyo, you can say he’s underrated or overrated it doesn’t matter either way, just don’t shove it down people’s throats. You’re all entitled to your own opinions and ideas, as long as you can reach a conclusion together that doesn’t end in hate it should be fine.

Either way, if you read this far I hope you have a good day/night! Stay hydrated, eat some snacks and all that jazz!

#korekiyo shinguji #danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 killing harmony #danganronpa #rant #danganronpa rant #danganronpa korekiyo #tw abuse #discourse #danganronpa discourse #if you have critique feel free to pm or reblog this #while i do personally dislike him I really did try to be unbias #ive just been seeing people yelling that people only dislike him cause chapter 3 #and someone i know personally who can't decide what reason to use to defend a fictional fucking character #just let people have other opinions!#and yes im totally expecting #oh wow some bitch spent hours of her life trying to defend why she dislikes our amazing baby boy character!!! >^<!!!!!!!! replies #i can respect your opinion to like Kiyo #please respect mine

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epiitaphs · 5 years ago

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thoughts on emotional displays aka thoughts and revelations on why seb is the way he is, told in the most opaque way possible.

like actually. it’s ~1400 words and while there’s technically a theme, it’s a ramble.

Sebastian’s not really a crier. It all ties into his very quiet form of grief that he tends to express. Importantly, it means that he’s very much not adept when people around him cry, especially if he doesn’t think he’d do the same in that situation. It’s been mentioned before, but a lot of this stems from childhood when he was told not to cry at one of his grandparent’s funerals. If it wasn’t right to express a lot of emotion then, well, he wasn’t about to express a lot of emotion at other times either. Sebastian’s been described as cold - and he is, with a long history of it. He gets the coldness from his mother, mostly, though undoubtedly it came from his father as well. They weren’t neglectful - they simply weren’t going to be found in any particularly touching emotional moments. Sebastian tends to seek out attention through either fairly concrete things or outbursts of anger. The anger may be covering something else, but that’s one thing he can express fairly well. Some of the actual lashing out developed when he was older and didn’t really know how to deal with some of the more impactful events in his life. As a teenager, he did things because he knew he could annoy his parents - mostly his father. He also did things because he resented the control his father had over him. Fighting was clearly the best way to deal with that. Anyway - back to crying. Sebastian didn’t have to deal with it and he was discouraged from doing it. Whatever the reasoning behind the funeral incident, it stuck with him for whatever reason, and he was very careful to conceal those sorts of emotions. That sort of scene wasn’t going to help him. So the next time - when his other grandparent died, Sebastian portrayed the right kind of quiet emotion that didn’t kick up a fuss and distract everyone else.

First it was about being in the way or taking the attention away from the actual task at hand, but later it became about showing weakness. Sebastian was one kind of person in the army. It wasn’t necessarily an act - he was an asshole, but it hadn’t been his entire personality until he had a whole lot to lose. David’s death was a major contributing factor to his PTSD - which was never diagnosed and is something Sebastian personally refuses to acknowledge despite having some awareness. Importantly, he didn’t have time to mourn David in any form or fashion. This wasn’t just someone he worked with who’d been killed - this was Sebastian’s closest friend and a major mentor figure for him. If it was appropriate to cry at anything, it should have been this. But it wasn’t. Maybe he did, but it wasn’t for long, because Sebastian’s response to the incident was to immediately throw himself into work and force himself to move on. He never did - David’s death figures heavily in his nightmares, because that was back when he cared so there’s a deep emotional connection there. It’s doubtful that Sebastian’s issues with people leaving him started there and then on the spot, but if there was a turning point to where they became actual tangible issues that messed with his perception of relationships beyond what they’d been before, this was it. At this point, too, Sebastian hadn’t had a long-term relationship since he was a teenager. He was too focused on work to feel like maintaining something long distance, so when he was off on leave, he wasn’t ever looking for anything long term. This contributed heavily to his relationship issues. People leave, people are dicks, the relationship isn’t real - none of it’s tangible. It’ll all be over at the very latest when he leaves the city, if not much earlier. Anyone who says they love him is lying because this is never going to be something. It’s just shit people say. His parents showed they cared by making sure he had a home and food. And they made sure he knew that he was lucky - that they had both worked for this sort of thing. He shouldn’t assume an easy path through life, even if the other boys at school did. His parents showed their affection - didn’t necessarily say it. So Sebastian does to. If he actually cares, he’ll do things. He’ll make an effort, he’ll cook, he’ll open up from time to time. Verbally telling people he loves them isn’t that simple.

Opening up isn’t easy either. He keeps secrets out of habit. That comes mostly after he gets out of the army, but him clinging to what could hurt him stems from earlier. His father should have known better than to argue with a teenager, but his father was also a whip. He made his living off of knowing exactly what pressure points people had. Any information given out was information to be used. Thomas didn’t necessarily set out to be cruel; if he used work tactics to argue with his teenage son, it was out of habit. Sebastian grew up understanding some of what his father did, lived with his father while he was at secondary school, attended events. He wasn’t raised as a spy and he wasn’t let in on secrets, but he picked up things along the way. Better to keep one’s cards to one’s chest because anyone who sees them may use them to play their own part in the game.

So then what does crying imply? To him, it’s drawing attention, it’s showing weakness, and it’s displaying a high level of trust. His response is either to wonder if he can fix it or to get angry, because it’s not the proper way to do things. And it all ties back to how he sees himself. The most likely time for people to be crying around him is when he’s working for Moriarty - so when he’s at his most dangerous. There is no reason they should trust him, there is no reason that they should show weakness in front of him. They should know full well that he’s going to turn this on them, even if he’s shown them that he cares. Sebastian - for all that he may seem relaxed about certain things - does not open up easily or well, and he probably underestimates certain gestures. Sure, if they know where he actually lives, that’s a huge step forward and he knows it, but the fact that someone feels like they can just have emotion in front of him is wrong. The anger’s a defence, not only for him because he doesn’t know how to deal, but it’s supposed to teach them that they’re wrong about this, that they shouldn’t cry in front of him because he can and he will twist it the next time he needs to. He’s got no qualms about calling himself a monster - he’ll kill anyone, he’ll torture anyone, even his family. Maybe the blood shows up later, but he’s trained himself to move on quickly and efficiently. He’s been cold since he was young. It’s not something that requires a massive personality shift. He doesn’t see himself as a decent person, even if he might slip into the mask of one from time to time. Just because he’s relaxed doesn’t mean that other people should. Because he’s always been an observer. He’s always taking notes. He sees the times that he’s a decent person as a thin veneer covering the truth. Whether or not this is actually true is up to the observer, but it’s what he believes. He’s never going to be a better person. That’s really the heart of the matter about crying - if he was going to do so, he’d hide himself away and not mention it at all. He’s not an overly loud person, so if he gets just a little bit quieter for a while, it’s not that noticeable. It all fits together so that he can hide what he needs to hide. Sebastian doesn’t allow himself to be vulnerable around other people - he doesn’t give in to emotion, he doesn’t sleep, he does not reveal serious matters. He complains all the time about everything and anything. The gaps come when something actually matters. Deflection or simply not mentioning - both tactics work. For all that he somewhat paradoxically works for certain peoples’ attention, it’s important to remember just how long he’s worked on avoiding notice from others. The reasons have differed greatly, but they still exist.

----- originally it ended here -----

ugh, fuck, to add on something: there’s two times to watch sebastian - when he’s drawing attention and when he’s actively quieter than usual. The first time you don’t have a choice, which means that you probably won’t find out exactly what the issue is without some pushing and stubbornness, but you’ll definitely know that there is one as he’s turning all your insecurities and secrets against you. the second time, you have a choice because he’s actively hiding that something major is affecting him. you won’t know what’s up and that’s very dangerous.

#when thy heart began to beat | sebastian headcanons

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wroughtbetwixtfanfic · 5 years ago

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Love, Blood, And Rhetoric, Ch 1.

Fandom: The Society.

Summary: Campbell's just trying to survive in the new world. He knows he can make it-- it's everyone else he's worried about.

Rating: Mature.

Tags: Canon Divergence, Mental Health Issues, Family Issues, Substance Abuse, Complicated Relationships, Consent Issues, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Mild Sexual Content, assuming Elle and Campbell are both 18 for the sake of things, Underage Drinking, PTSD, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, implied eating disorder, Fix-It, Campbell has mild ASPD, and is actively trying to not be awful

Word Count: 6061

Part One, Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || AO3

Disclaimer: This is part two of a three part series. Reading part one is more-or-less essential.

This is a canon divergent storyline for Campbell, using (in my experience) a realistic take on conduct disorder and ASPD instead of Hollywood "psychopath" stereotypes. While people with conduct disorder can be violent and abusive, the diagnosis does exist on a spectrum, and neither ASPD nor "psychopathy" should be diagnosed before the age of 18; this is one thing that rubbed me the wrong way on The Society. Campbell's power will be more in his ability to manipulate-- not "being crazy". Hopefully I can succeed in presenting a more understandable and less sensationalized vision of his behavior. Please note that I have no intention of making him a violent abuser, to bring his character more in line with my experiences of how an emotionally neglected teen with moderately reduced empathy would behave, provided they were actively attempting to help themselves.

Tl;dr I just wanted to make Campbell less needlessly shitty, because it makes me feel better as a person, and because I wanted one (1) antagonist who isn't just an evil, horrible abuser with a scary mental illness.

Thank you for reading, and leaving kudos/comments/likes. <3

///

The bridge was quiet as a graveyard. It was something out of a science fiction movie, wasn't it? Alice in Wonderland type shit. Something happens, and suddenly the world goes inside out, with people transported to some other dimension. No one had said a damn word, but it was the only explanation that made any sense at all. It looked like home, but it wasn't home. Everything felt a few degrees to the side. Just a tiny bit abnormal. Forests that sprouted up around them overnight. Everyone else in the city, gone. The smell, gone. Gordie was the first to break the silence. "I mean, there's only so many options."

"Maybe we're dreaming," Allie offered. "It's the best option." Campbell rolled his eyes, but held his tongue for Cassandra's sake. They would all have to be dreaming the exact same dream at the same time, and that seemed far less likely than some sort of weird wormhole situation. Harry was sitting on his car hood, with Helena and Luke next to him. He ran his hands through his hair; he was still half drunk, and had no business being there, but there he was and he was freaking out. "Maybe this is just some elaborate fucking game. Like, someone built an exact replica of our town and just put it in the middle of nowhere, and if we just walk..." He paused, waving his hands towards the trees. "Like, this way or that way or any way, eventually we'll get back to the real world." Christ, that was an even worse theory. Campbell sighed. "An exact replica of the town," he pressed, "complete with all our family's cars? Our clothes? Our bathroom towels, posters, jewelry, stuffed animals, the food in our fridges?" "I'm not saying it makes any sense." Crossing her arms, Cassandra leaned against the bridge and frowned. She had that debate team look in her eyes. The look that said she was trying to dissect the situation in her mind. "There was a smell, and then it went away. It came back, and the buses came for us." Harry scoffed. "You're gonna just work this out, Cassandra? Like some logic problem? I mean, not a flicker of a doubt?" "The world doesn't just turn upside down without a reason. We're not in some play-within-a-play. Okay? Clever is not the same thing as true. There is a point to everything, there are answers." "That's right," Helena chimed in. "God doesn't just play games with people for fun." Cassandra clenched her jaw as she looked to Helena, then to Campbell. They had both stopped going to church a long time ago, and Cassandra had been the one to get religious-specific plays banned from school performances. Campbell didn't really believe or disbelieve anything, but he knew Cassandra and Helena had gotten into argument before about all sorts of things. LGBT rights, abortion, gun control... He could see that anger stirring up in Cassandra. It wouldn't be pretty if it got loose. Luckily, Luke seemed to sense the tension and butted in. "All right, look, Grizz and I will get a group together and we'll go hike out here through the woods, okay? Like a search party." Helena nodded. "I think that's a good idea." "Do you think it's safe?" Cassandra asked, frowning. "Yeah," Grizz replied, "sure." Luke tried to smile. "Grizz knows what he's doing. And if there's people out there, we gotta find them, right? You know. To get help." "I'm leaving." Harry got up off the car and headed towards the driver's door. His eyes were glassy, distant. It wouldn't be long before he imploded. "I'm hungry." Allie stood up, glaring. "You're leaving?" Campbell watched the bickering that followed, wondering when-- if at all-- they were going to ask his opinion. But he knew they wouldn't. They never did. If they would have shut the fuck up long enough to bother, Campbell would have told them that the horizon looked a little too clean for a West Ham summer. Too clear. He would have pointed out that there were no planes, no trails even, in the sky overhead. Wherever they were, chances were they were alone. Instead, he focused on his phone while everyone started arguing in full; Elle was trying to call. Can't talk now, he texted. At the bridge with Cassie and others. She replied quickly. Why? What's wrong? Not sure. All roads out of town are blocked. Blocked? We can't get out? Has anyone found our parents? Campbell rubbed his face with one hand. No, we can't. No adults or younger kids yet. Trying to figure out what to do. Oh. A long, long pause. Show me. Whatever was happening, Harry was officially done. His tone sharpened, and Campbell looked up to see him trying to collect Kelly. "You coming with, Kel?" He stood there, staring, when she shook her head. Ouch. Harry hadn't mentioned that they were on the rocks; he was being an unreasonable ass, though. Not a surprise. "Jesus christ, just get in the car." "Leave her alone," Will grumbled. "Hey, fuck off, Will." Harry looked to Campbell, seeking someone to follow him. Campbell just raised an eyebrow. Harry seethed, getting into his car and starting the engine. "Fine. Who gives a shit." He knew Harry would be mad at him for a while, but eventually he'd stop being a selfish prick and come around. Campbell needed to be there, to keep an eye on people and the situation; he needed to hear what was happening, and plan accordingly. If Cassandra couldn't keep herself together and all hell was going to break loose, Campbell needed to be ready. In the mean time... Cassandra blinked at him and he moved to her side, lifting his phone to take a picture of the blocked off tracks and road. "What are you doing?" "I'm just gonna send a text. Let everybody know how fucked we are." "Campbell!" she hissed. "Don't. Come on, let's think about this." But there was nothing to think about. Campbell pressed the send button, and his phone dinged in confirmation. He smiled at the look of horror on her face, sitting down on the sidewalk while he waited for Elle to reply; it wasn't often that he actually felt stronger than Cassandra, or even smarter, but it was one of those rare moments that he saw an opportunity and took it. Hiding the truth from people would only backfire. She'd thank him later, if she had the sense. Cassandra was still moaning over it. "Fuck. Why did you do that?" "Relax, Cassandra. I don't have many people on my contact list." "But they'll share it with their friends. It'll spread." "A slow, steady distribution of information is better than pretending things are fine." "Campbell--" "Look." Setting aside his phone, Campbell turned to Cassandra and held her gaze. "You, me, and like a dozen other people already know. How long do you think it'd be before one of them squealed, huh? Someone would let it slip, at some point. And if you go back into town, telling everyone it's all good when it's not, at some point they'll realize you lied. What do you think is gonna happen when three hundred teenagers stop trusting their student body president, Cassandra?" "I'm not student body president anymore. Harry said so, and it's true." "Harry's a shithead." "Then why are you friends with him?" "Not the point. You're one of the smarter people here. Gordie, Bean, Will, Grizz? They're amazing, but you were the closest thing to a leader we had back home. That doesn't just go away." Cassandra chewed on her lip. "I don't want to be a leader. I'm..." She pressed her hand to her chest. "I'm sick. What if I can't get my medicine?" "Tough shit," Campbell retorted. "Power is in your hands, and if you don't get a grip on it, someone else is going to put you in the dirt. All the medicine in the world won't help you if there's a fucking mutiny." "What do I do, then?" "These kids are gonna get scared, and they're either gonna look to you or they're going to challenge you. Pull yourself together." For a long time, Cassandra didn't speak. She sat next to him and gazed woefully at a small group of teens that were heading their way, some walking and others jogging. They were pointing at the road, and some began shouting. A few began to hover closer to her, looking nervous. "Well. Maybe you're right." "Usually am. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an acquaintance to console." Elle had arrived with the group, staring off the side of the bridge at the tracks. Other kids joined her nearby, and Campbell could hear them whisper as he approached. He was telling the truth. What does this mean? How is it possible? He ignored them, leaning against the railing next to Elle; she didn't look at him, but she leaned a little closer. "This is such bullshit," she said after a time. "What are we supposed to do?" Campbell shook his head. "Whatever is happening, if we're stuck with no way out, then we gotta do what you do in any survival situation. Secure resources. Shelter, food, water." "Should head to the store and grab some shit before people all get the same idea." "Probably, yeah." Elle glanced over at him. "You're pretty calm in all this." "Getting panicked or scared just means mistakes get made." He texted her a small list of supplies. "Go to the store. Bottled water. A lot of stuff can be frozen or dried. Get what you can, we'll figure out how to preserve it later." She nodded, turning and heading towards the closest market. Campbell waited for her to be out of earshot, then headed towards Cassandra, who was talking to Will and Sam. Everyone else seemed to have dispersed. They all glanced at him, but kept talking; Will was discussing the food situation, already, and Will specifically mumbled something about dehydrating and canning. Well, at least Will had some clue, then. "I saved a bunch of YouTube videos," he said, looking sheepish. "I always wanted to be a chef, so..." Campbell kept walking. They already were making plans; they didn't need him any, and he should go make sure that Elle was doing alright. He made it a few yards before Sam caught up to him, grabbing his sleeve to get his attention. "Where are you going?" Sam asked. "To get what I can." Campbell sighed at the way Sam's eyebrows knit together. There was no point in wasting time trying to explain, and besides, he had to make sure Sam wasn't gonna starve to death. "Coming?" There were a few different stores and markets in town, and while there was one close by, Campbell knew of a smaller one run by one of those doomsday prepper types. There wasn't as much variety there, but it did have gallon-sized bottled waters and things like powdered eggs. People went to it for camping supplies, but not much else; it wouldn't be the first place most would think to go to. Sam followed him inside, watching at Campbell began to fill a basket full of supplied. At least he didn't try and argue that it was theft or anything. "What are you getting?" "This is for you. A week of water. Jerky, nuts and seeds. Dried eggs. Dried fruit, some other shit. Keep it in the basement until you need it." "Why a week?" "Because if the utilities go and no one comes for us after a week, they're not going to." He didn't mean for the words to come out quite so grim, but it was useless to sugarcoat things any. "Keep using the water at home as long as you can. If it goes off, use this." Campbell grabbed some for himself, and they managed to weasel the baskets home without being seen. Probably because most of the other kids were at home crying or at the bridge by that point, who knew for sure. At least no one approached them. As they put shit away, Campbell made a list in his head of things in stores that would be in high demand. Toilet paper, first aid kits, batteries, medications, alcohol, anything for hygiene. Bleach, matches, lighters. And knowing his peers, condoms. If he got his backpack and headed out again, he could probably snatch a good stock before anyone else thought of it... Sam sunk onto the sofa once they finished. He tilted his head as Campbell got a couple backpacks, and made another list on his phone. "What are you going to do?" "I have some business to take care of." "Harry?" Maybe it was the comment itself, or maybe it was the eyebrow quirk of Sam's eyebrow, or some sort of tone his brother had. Either way, Campbell's mood soured on the spot. "Don't pretend like you know me." "I don't know you. That's what scares me." There was nothing to say to that, in the end. Campbell stormed out of the house, heading towards the pharmacy first. Most of what he wanted would be there, and the chances of anyone else being there already were slim. To his surprise, when he arrived, someone had already been messing with the lock; they hadn't managed to get in, whoever they were. Campbell slipped his lock picking kit from the backpack and made quick work of it. First was anything addictive, then meds that would be important. The pharmacy had a little book behind the counter that explained what everything was, and Campbell swept through as fast as possible to grab asthma medications, birth control pills, anti virals, whatever looked useful. He paused as he examined the shelves, seeing a prescription for Cassandra. Her heart meds. He tossed it into his backpack, and then found the rest of that medication and stole it, too. Harry's home was close by. Campbell headed there, knowing Harry would let him stash shit there until Campbell convinced Sam to get in line. When he knocked, though, no one answered. Sighing, Campbell found the hidden key Harry had made specially for him; the house was quiet when he came inside, with Harry nowhere in sight. He hid the backpacks in the attic first, then went hunting for his friend. "Harry? You were supposed to be here eating." A muffled sound came from the living room. Campbell found Harry laying curled up in a ball on the floor, under a blanket. "Hey, buddy. You don't look so hot." "Leave me alone, Satan," Harry slurred. "Are you high?" "Maybe." Campbell flopped onto the floor next to Harry, lifting up the blanket to peer in at him. "C'mon. Tell me. What'd you take?" "A xanax. From mom's medicine cabinet." A quick trip upstairs, to peek at the dose. Not worrisome, but definitely more than a beginner should take, and enough to knock Harry on his ass for several hours. Campbell went into the kitchen and made a can of soup. Harry's favorite, split pea with ham. He brought it to Harry and sat on the floor again, tempting Harry with it. Eventually, Harry crawled out from under the blanket and took the bowl. "She dumped me." Harry poked at the green mass. "Kelly. We found out her dad was screwing with my mom, and I don't know. She got pissed off at me." "You do stick your foot in your mouth regularly." "I didn't mean to make her mad. Now we're in this fucking nightmare world, and... what am I supposed to do? I can't do this alone." Campbell resisted the urge to gloat. He'd never really liked Kelly, anyways, and the feeling had been mutual. "Look, you two have been having problems for over a week now. This changes nothing." He reached over, snagging the spoon from Harry's hand and loading it up with soup. "Besides. You're not alone. You have me." Harry didn't fight as Campbell fed him the soup. "You know what I mean," he said through a bite. He suddenly stopped, swallowing and sinking his face into his hands. "Maybe you don't. Christ." "You're hung over and high. Eat your soup and we can talk later." He muttered under his breath, but Harry listened anyways. Campbell put on a movie, chilling while Harry ate; when Harry was done, he slumped against Campbell and fell asleep. Well, at least he couldn't panic if he was passed out cold. Hours passed. Harry eventually woke up enough to stumble into the shower and clean himself up, while Campbell made them grilled cheese sandwiches. Harry had just returned when their phones began to buzz. "It's from Cassandra." Campbell slid Harry a sandwich. "She wants us to get to the church as soon as possible." Harry shook his head. "Man, fuck her." "Quiet. She knows what she's doing." "Do you seriously believe that?" "Yeah, I do." Harry didn't say anything, but he tightened his jaw, and Campbell saw something in his eyes that planted another seed of worry. Rebellion. Fucking hell, it was starting already. Campbell headed towards the bathroom while Harry got dressed; it was a quick detour to the bedroom of Harry's parents, where Campbell knew Harry's mother kept a gun. The case wasn't locked. The ammo was right there. Thank fuck Harry never had the inclinations to kill anyone. Campbell made sure it was unloaded, then stuck the gun in his waistband and the ammo in his pocket, before heading back out. Harry was waiting on the porch, and they hopped in his car and made their way to the church. By the time they got there, people were starting to gather, but it was mostly empty still. Cassandra was standing by the water fountain, leaning against the brick wall and taking deep, slow breaths. Harry went on inside without waiting. Campbell hung back, sidling up to Cassandra when no one was paying attention. "I can't do this," she whispered. "I can't." Campbell nudged her shoulder with his own. "It's gonna be okay, somehow. If it makes you feel any better, I knocked over the drug store and stole you a few months worth of your heart meds." "You... What. No, no, nevermind. I don't want to know." "You're welcome. But seriously, just chill out. What are you even talking about?" Cassandra ran her hands through her hair. "Luke texted Helena. Helena texted me. We got ahold of everyone on the buses, but people all keep asking me what's going on. You were right. People are looking to me, and I don't know how to lead them." Campbell shrugged. "We're kids, okay? Most of us aren't used to living in the real world. They're gonna be worried about things like resources and safety. Guide them a bit towards ways to get or keep that, and they'll follow." "But why would they take my word for it? I have maybe five friends, Cam. There's over two hundred people coming, and I don't know how to trust them, or get them to trust me." Trust wasn't something Campbell was familiar with, but he knew no one would trust Cassandra if they saw her as weak. And if Cassandra didn't believe in herself, then weak was exactly how she'd come off. Cassandra had been tempered by her love for her family and friends. It was sweet, it was good, but sweet and good wasn't going to get shit done. The people in their town only understood wealth and power. But it was too late to talk more; dozens of people were heading their way, and Campbell knew better than to be seen lingering around Cassandra too long. He took a seat in the back, far from the Cassandra and her little herd. Sam was there, surrounded by Allie, Becca, Gordie, and Will. His actual, chosen family. Even Harry was up there, and Kelly. He felt a small stab of jealousy, but bit it back as soon as it reared its head. It'd do no good. "You could join them." Campbell glanced up at Elle's voice. She stood in the church aisle, watching him. "No, that wouldn't be a good idea. I don't want to be a public relations nightmare for my cousin." "Stay away from the alcohol, and you'd probably be fine." "Elle..." "No, Campbell, whatever you're about to say just don't bother. The best thing you can do is promise never to do that again, and then keep that promise, okay?" "I can do that." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." Campbell hesitated. He hated making promises, because he knew he could be unreliable and he hated breaking promises just as much, but Elle was worth the effort. "I promise." Crossing her arms, Elle looked down at the floor. "Alright. Well, Kelly invited me to sit with her. I'll let you know if they say anything good." She didn't wait for an answer. Elle peeked back at him as she headed up front; he tried to smile at her, and she didn't really smile back, but it was a start at least. Campbell turned his focus to the crowd in the church and their quiet whispers. Many were scared. A few were angry. Most just seemed confused. As time passed, they became restless. At least, that was until Cassandra stood, and began to speak. She stood in the center of the stairs leading to the podium. "Listen. Hey, listen up." Silence fell over the church. Cassandra continued, her voice shaking at first, but becoming louder and clearer as she carried on. "While we're all here, together, there are some things that we ought to figure out. Before we rip this place apart and maybe... you know, start hurting each other." She paused as quiet murmurs spread through the gathered students. "I don't know what the hell is going on. Maybe Luke will come back with some good news." Elle spoke first, her tone annoyed. "Maybe? Of course he will." "Yeah," Harry agreed. "Why don't we just wait and see, Cassandra?" Cassandra sighed. Her eyes darted to Campbell, for just a split second. "Because I would rather prepare for the worst before the worst happens." "What does that mean? Prepare?" Kelly wondered. "I don't know specifically, but I think it means we agree not to just take things when we want until all the food is gone and we starve." The murmurs turned into a panicked rumble. Campbell winced, but Allie, Clark, and Helena loudly agreed with Cassandra, and that seemed to quell the surge of fear... until Harry opened his goddamn mouth, just as Campbell knew he would. "This is bullshit." Will's back was to Campbell, but he could heard the disbelief in Will's voice. "Jesus, man, what is your problem?" "What are we agreeing to, Cassandra?" Harry turned to Cassandra, ignoring Will completely. Some of the students waiting in the pews began to yell in agreement with Harry. "Which one of us gets to decide who gets what? Your friends?" Becca let out a huff. "It's called democracy." "I'm not a fucking idiot, Becca." That was debatable, Campbell thought, but he kept quiet. At least for the time being, to see how things would play out. At least Cassandra seemed to have a handle on things, for the time being; Harry was getting flustered, especially when Cassandra brought out the coin she'd kept from the play. "How do you want to decide things?" she challenged. "Every person for themselves? Then we're back to where we started. Maybe you want to flip a coin to see who decides? You don't like democracy? How about random fucking chance?" Harry scoffed. "That's--" "Call it, Harry. Call it." "I'm not gonna do that." "Okay, okay. I'll call it for you. You get heads." Cassandra flipped the coin. "Tails. Still think it's unfair? Best two out of three. Oh! Tails." "I... I mean..." Cassandra flipped a third time, but this time, her face fell. "Tails." Harry looked frozen. The church had become so quiet, it was like no one was even breathing. Harry was thinking back to the play, and Campbell knew everyone else was, too. "Do it again." Four more times, Cassandra flipped the coin. Tails, tails, tails, tails. Harry stepped back from Cassandra, eyes wide. "Fuck." For a moment, Cassandra paused. She stared at the coin, and flipped it again; she closed her eyes, her hand over the coin for a long moment before she finally looked. "Heads." She held up the coin, and the crowd let out a long sigh of relief. She turned her attention back to them, lifting her voice once more. "It's all up to us. There's no civilization here, not until we start one. So what are we gonna do? First, I think we have no choice but to share. Share food, share resources." "Houses?" Harry asked. "Maybe." "Fuck you." Allie stood up. "Really? How much electricity do we have? Until it's all used up and everything goes dark? I think 225 people in 200 houses doesn't make sense." 239, but who was counting. "Keep what's ours!" some random fuckhole shouted from the other side of the church. "What is yours?" Cassandra questioned. "Do you have money? Who you gonna pay? The things that you need to live-- food, clothes, the stuff in stores-- no one owns them." Will and Harry erupted at one another over housing, and Campbell sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes. They were snapping and snarling, and the mood in the church was getting tense. Will on one side, arguing for Cassandra's view that there should be rules, organization, a method. Harry on his own side, screaming about how he should get to do whatever he wanted. Campbell understood. Harry was afraid, afraid of losing what was his and the comfy little life he had for himself. The big house and big bed and things were all he really had, in his mind. And well, men in general weren't great with sharing, were they? But Campbell knew history sided with people like Will and Cassandra. Capitalism, mine-mine-mine, greed. It never fared well in situations like the one they were in. No, they needed rules. They needed some sort of system, where everyone had an equal portion of things. And they had such a small, small window of time to get things going and working, before it all fell into chaos. Harry was yelling at Cassandra, getting ready to storm off like the entitled rich boy he was. Great. "I don't have to listen to this. Not anymore." "Harry, this has nothing to do with you," Cassandra snapped. "We need to--" "I don't need to do anything you say, you fucking--" Campbell had been busy loading the gun while the two argued, with the rest of the students starting to stand up and scream back and forth, too. He stood, pointed at the back wall's roof where it wouldn't hurt anyone, and fired a single round. The angry screams turned into screams of panic as everyone hit the floor. Some started crying, but everyone was staring at him, and no one was speaking. "Well..." Campbell took to the center aisle, walking towards his cousin. He had to act fast, before anyone recovered and tried to stop him. "Fuck this. Harry's right." Cassandra's mouth dropped open. "What?" "No one elected you king, cousin. Did anybody vote for her? Did they?" Campbell stopped in front of Cassandra and gestured to the cowering teenagers on the floor. "Anybody elect her to speak on your behalf? No?" "I... I don't want to be king." Campbell stared hard at Cassandra. She was stuttering. Oh, it wouldn't do at all for her to look like this in front of the people she was trying to rally. He cocked the gun again, but this time, he pointed it at Cassandra. There was no bullet left in the gun, but she didn't know that. No one did. "That's not what it looks like. Is it?" Allie jumped in front of her sister, glaring daggers at Campbell, but Cassandra gently brushed her aside. Something flickered to life in her eyes. Something courageous. Self-sacrificing. "I've thought a lot about dying. I've almost gotten used to that. But I don't like to be afraid." Cassandra looked down the barrel, then met Campbell's gaze. If she had any idea of the hand he was playing, she didn't give it away. She simply stood tall, steeling her voice and not flinching a bit. "Do you want chaos? Fucking shoot me." And there she was, the Cassandra he loved. Campbell chuckled, lowering the gun and giving her a little smile. "I don't want to shoot you. I wanted to get everybody's attention." Just one last part of the plan to put into place. "This meeting's obviously over. We'll be back when Luke gets here. Until then, if anybody else is tired of listening to her, you can follow me." Campbell turned and headed towards the door, knowing Cassandra would be watching and counting each and every person who left with him. She would know their names. Their faces. She would know exactly who was siding against her. Once he got to the exit, he glanced behind him. It was a good sign. Harry and Kelly. Seven others, of various genders. A tiny, tiny minority, and no threat to Cassandra at all. She would be safe. But then the church doors swung open with a bang, and Campbell fell back. Everyone did. Luke walked in, flanked by Grizz, Bean, Gwen, and the others that had gone out into the forest. In Luke's arms draped Emily's pale, limp body. Gasps and noises of despair rippled through the crowd, and everyone parted to allow Luke access to the table at the front of the room. Grizz cleared the table, and they all stood around, staring. Some started to cry. Some tried to check for her pulse. She was dead. It was clear the minute Luke came in. Campbell had never really known Emily, so he stayed near the door, letting everyone else have a chance to see her for themselves. Closure or whatever. "She died from a snakebite," Luke called out. "Her whole body just shut down. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save her." Grizz spoke when Luke sank to the floor. His voice was flat, cold. Practical. "So we're gonna bury her tomorrow, before it starts to smell. I'm gonna need a couple of guys..." "There's nothing out there, guys. Just a whole bunch of just... woods that go on forever. We're all alone. This isn't our home." This isn't our home. Those four words were all it took to shift everything. He looked to Sam, his thoughts already spinning. His little brother was huddled with Allie, Cassandra, and Becca, and Campbell could practically smell the fear on him. Alone. Sam didn't trust Campbell, and now they had to be alone together? They had to try and survive together? It wasn't going to work, not like this, especially when-- not if, but when-- things started getting cutthroat. Campbell was too bitter, too hateful, and he knew he wouldn't be able to handle the stress of worrying about them both. Especially if Cassandra expected people to start sharing houses. There was no way Campbell could do it. He would hurt someone, at some point. In the end, it was for Sam's own good. Campbell knew he, at some point, would snap. He would destroy Sam. He wouldn't want to, or even mean to. But if they were on their own, trapped, it'd be like too many rats in too small a cage. They'd turn on each other someday, and Campbell knew he would always save himself, without hesitation. Sam deserved better than that. So... Campbell eyed Cassandra and Allie as they walked past, heading to their home. They had already opened their home to Will. Safety in numbers, right? And Cassandra loved Sam. Allie was protective of her family. Sam trusted and loved them, too. They could keep him safe. They would take care of him, and sacrifice their own needs for him if it came down to it. They could be the home Sam needed, even if it was just for a little while. Campbell just had to hope that Sam was angry enough inside, hurt enough by years of distrust and backbiting between them, that he'd be happy to leave. He grabbed Sam's arm as Sam followed after their cousins. Campbell kept his face calm, his voice neutral. Maybe it would be simple. No need to get nasty about it, if Sam would go willingly. "Hey. Don't come home tonight." Sam tensed. There was hurt in his eyes, and the smallest glint of stubbornness. He was angry, but not angry enough. Not yet. "It's my house, too." Campbell studied Sam's face, choosing to dig a little deeper. Something more painful was going to be needed, obviously. "Ever since you were born, I never had just one day that was mine, until now." It was the truth, anyways. It had been the Sam Show from day one, and it was no secret that Campbell resented Sam for it. "Alright?" Sam stared Campbell down, not saying a word. Not at first. Finally, he shook his head. His voice was low. Pained. But he didn't look away from Campbell, not even a little bit. "No." So, that's how it was going to be. "Give me the key, you little fag." He had never called Sam that before, or anything like it. He'd busted plenty of people's lips for less. It felt dirty on his tongue, but it was the one thing that Campbell knew would hurt Sam past the point of forgiveness. And if that didn't work... Campbell shot his hand out and scruffed Sam like a petulant kitten, digging his fingers hard into the back of Sam's neck. "Give me the key." Shock was the first emotion that crossed through Sam's expression. Campbell had never laid his hands on Sam before, either. He'd never needed slurs or physical violence before. But persuasion wasn't working, and maybe shock was exactly what Campbell needed to bring Sam's rage to the surface. It worked like a charm; the fury finally arrived, hurt transforming into a deep, crushing hatred. It was the same hatred that Campbell had seen in Sam the night Oliver was found dead, and fuck, it wasn't what Campbell wanted to see. But it had to happen now, before it happened later. Before Sam got hurt worse. Sam handed over his key to the house, then shoved Campbell hard and walked away. Campbell watched him go. Sam didn't look back. Good. It stung more than Campbell had expected, in some weird, dull way, but it was necessary. Wasn't it? Sam would be with Allie and Cassandra, where it was warm and welcoming and loving. Campbell would be on his own, away from anyone he could easily hurt, with time and space to figure shit out. When he got home, it was dark. He turned on the lights, turned on some music. There was cold cheese pizza still in the fridge; he ate it, not bothering to heat it up first. It was late, and he was tired, but there was a restlessness in him that wouldn't let him sleep. He ended up standing in the living room a bit past midnight, with the lights turned off and just a little bit of moonlight streaming in through the windows. He'd turned off the music, and it was quiet. Perfectly quiet, like he'd always fantasized about. No one to interrupt him, no one to scold or condemn him or look at him funny, or bother him with questions or requests, no one to have to pretend around. Happy, relaxed, carefree... Quarantined. Campbell sat in the middle of the living room sofa, emptiness settling over his shoulders like a frigid, heavy blanket. For the first time in years, he cried.

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castiel-savvy18 · 6 years ago

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So Long

Bestfriend! Ethan x Reader

Bestfriend!Grayson x Reader

Summary: Ethan and Grayson grew up being the bestest friends with Y/N. But what happens when they become too famous?

A/N: It was supposed to be such a chill romantic fic, but then I had a bad day and it kinda went downhill.

⚠️: DO NOT read if you are sensitive to suicide, cutting, or anything relating to that stuff.

Warnings: cutting, suicidal thoughts, depression, fluff, angst, suicide, major character death (you’ve been warned)

Word Count: 2.3K

“Hi! I’m Ethan!” You hear a 6-year-old boy shout behind you, who was only a year older than you.

You turn around to be faced with a pale, short boy with hazel eyes, messy, dark brown hair; ears that stick out like a monkey, and a smile so big that can change the world.

“Hi! I’m Y/N!” You say back to the older boy offering your hand, just like your father taught you.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N! I’m new here. I’m your neighbor. I saw you over here sitting on the grass alone and I thought I could join you and become friends! I have no friends, and you looked nice from afar, I hope I’m right!” Ethan rambles on and on.

“Yeah! Let’s be friends!” You shout to him, smiling widely.

You never had many friends here, you were always an outcast; you were a shy girl and mainly kept to yourself. Coloring on your own, doing work on your own, sitting alone on a bench during recess time; you even ate alone during snack and lunchtime.

Knowing someone wants to be friends with you, made you the happiest in a long time.

“I have a twin brother! His name is Grayson. That’s him over there,” Ethan says pointing back towards his yard across the street, showing a boy that looks exactly like him.

This is going to be complicated.

“That’s so exciting!!” you say, getting excited that you can all be friends.

“We can all have a play date together!” Ethan says, clapping his hands, becoming giddy.

10 years old (Ethan and Gray are 11)

“Y/N! Y/N! Y/N!” You hear Ethan chant your name, running into your house up to your room.

“Y/N! Guess what?!”

“What?!” You say, just as excitingly.

“I. Kissed. A. GIRL!”

“What?! No way!” You say, happy for him but also feeling a little tang of jealousy.

“Yes, way! Behind a bush! Gray was there, but still, I KISSED A GIRL!”

“That’s great, Ethan!”

“I think that means we are girlfriend and boyfriend...? I think. I don’t know,” He says, a little unsure of the situation.

2 weeks later:

“She broke up with me!” Ethan finally says after sobbing into your pillows for about an hour.

“Then she’s not worth it, E. I mean, I know I’m only 10, but still. You’ll find someone,” you say, trying to show empathy for him, but really, you were a little happy.

You were sick of seeing them in the elementary hallways holding hands, sick of her taking your best friend away from you. Sick of it.

13 years old (Ethan and Gray are 14)

“You guys should just start a YouTube channel,” you say after hearing them talk about how they want to make videos for hours.

They’ve been doing Vine for quite a while now, and they are actually getting pretty popular to the point where they are hanging around famous people, more famous than them, Viners like Cameron Dallas, Logan Paul, Jake Paul, Nash Grier, and so much more.

“What’s YouTube?” They both ask at the same time.

God, they really are twins.

“Look it up. It’s too hard to explain,” you say annoyingly.

You’ve been a little irritable lately, but you think that’s due to your parents getting a divorce.

Gray and E have noticed, they just stopped asking once you flipped out on them. You felt a little bad, but what can you say, you like to handle things on your own. Especially when it comes to your mental health.

You’re not really understanding what’s happening, you don’t understand why you lay in bed at night, crying yourself to sleep. You have no idea why you’re always tired, not wanting to do anything anymore. Hell, you don’t even want to be around the Twins. You have so much anger towards them, so much jealousy. How can they be so happy, laugh all the time, have fun, when you're in bed feeling like death.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t understand.

14 years old

After a full year, Gray and Ethan had finally got the nerves to create a YouTube channel. You were happy for them, you really were, but for some reason, you just couldn’t really express it.

Gray and E seem to be going on with life just fine. For them, things just kept getting better as the time went on. For you, it was just getting worse. They didn’t hang with you much anymore.

“Wanna hang?” You’d text them.

“Sorry, Y/N, can’t. Bye.” Ethan would reply.

With that, you’d lay in bed and ponder what the hell happened to your life and the twins that were once always there for you.

16 years old

At this point, E and Gray have about 3 million subscribers on YouTube. You always wished E and Gray would say thank you, you are the one who told them to do it.

You were laying in bed a year ago, crying; during that time, E and Gray had flown to L.A., for good. They left you behind, they never bothered with a simple “goodbye”, and you haven’t talked to them ever since.

It’s sad really, you were so close to them, never away from each other, but as they grew more popular and got older, you were officially an outcast. They replaced you with Jake, they were never around anymore; and now, they really are never around. They moved all the way across the country from you, and you were left alone with your depression taking over.

You tried to call, but the minute you hit the call button it went straight to voicemail.

“I’m sorry, but this phone number is no longer in use.”

You missed them so much. The fact that they never even bother to call you or visit Jersey, you’d finally come to terms that they are no longer your friends; and that hurt.

The only comfort you had nowadays was the blade sitting on your bedside table.

Your father had become a monster; he turned into an abusive alcoholic ever since your mom left.

It hurt to think that the twins don’t even know you come home from school to get beat by your once loving father and you hate to see their videos and see them looking so happy. You were once that way, but now you aren’t. You’ve stopped watching their videos; you just can’t stand their happiness anymore. It’s selfish, but then again, they left you.

They don’t know you sit in a pool of your own blood on the bathroom floor while crying, wishing, praying someone could take you far away. Every day you hold onto a pill bottle full of meds that can kill you in an hour, but you always chicken out; always think maybe the twins will come back; that’s the only thing that stops you. Someday you’ll realize they never will, and that will be the day you drift off into a deep sleep. A sleep where you’ll never have to deal with your father's beatings, where you won’t have to deal with the fact that your only friends have left you; a sleep that will make you forget everything.

17 years old

You’ve been visiting Lisa and Sean lately, they remind you so much of the Twins. They are the closest people you have.

Soon you decided to move into their place; you just couldn’t handle the beatings anymore.

Sean ended up finding out about the beatings. You had to beg him to not tell anyone. Although your father was an alcoholic bastard, you still loved him; you knew your father was still in there. Maybe one day he’ll change, he’ll be the father that once drove you out to Taco Bell at 2 am; the one who told you-you're not grounded, although your mom said you were. He was once the father that loved you more than your mom ever did.

Sean was hesitant, but he finally caved in and promised: he won’t tell a single soul.

He doesn’t know about the cutting, the suicide notes you keep rewriting, trying to make them perfect. Sean doesn’t know that you’re not in contact with the twins anymore; he doesn’t know that you’re slowly dying.

“How are Ethan and Gray? You heard from them?” Sean would ask.

“Yeah, they are doing good. Finally hit 7 million subscribers,” you’d reply back, hoping you sound believable.

The twins really did hit 7 million, they were getting more and more famous. You wished you could be there with them. You wished you could surprise them with a cake and tell them how proud you are of them, but that’s not the case anymore; you are no longer in their life.

It hurt to see that the fandom had found proof of “Ethma”. You don’t know if it’s true or not, but you’ve watched the proof videos and it really does seem like it. Ethan had found a girl, and it hurt to know that you are replaced. It really hurt. You watched proof videos all night, hoping they are all just fake, they aren’t. They aren’t photo-shopped, they aren’t played out, they are 100% real; and that hurt.

You slammed your laptop shut at 3 in the morning, slipped into your bathroom and took out your little friend, the razor blade. That night you got no sleep, you cut all night long, hoping you’d bleed out from all the cuts. By morning, you wanted to just finally take those pills, but Sean ended up calling you down when breakfast was ready, stopping you from finishing your thoughts and actions.

3 weeks later Sean found out about your nights, where you stay up and cut. He also promised to not tell anyone, as long as you get help.

You really didn’t want anyone knowing, so you made an appointment.

Today was the worst day ever, it was the day where you’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression.

They prescribed you pills and sent them to the nearest pharmacy; you didn’t bother ever picking them up.

You told Sean you were doing better, that you were taking pills every day and that they were making you better; you were getting worse though, but Sean didn’t need to know that.

Lisa ended up finding out, Sean fought with her, and Lisa flipped at you. You asked her how she knows, apparently, doctors called and said you weren’t picking up your prescribed pills and skipped appointments.

Lisa said you could either go to the appointments and take pills or go live with E and Gray, you decided to take the route of taking pills and going to the appointments.

The first appointment with the therapist went well, but then the second, third, fourth and so on just weren’t doing anything for you, so you stopped going.

2 weeks later Lisa found out you weren’t going anymore and told you to pack your bags and leave to fly down to the twins. She said they couldn’t handle you anymore, that you need a break from home; for good. Lisa gave you one night to get everything together.

That was the night you decided you were going to take your life.

You wrote suicide notes over and over again, trying to find the right words to write. Finally, you got the perfect note. It’s simple, and the 5 words say enough.

I’m sorry. Forgive me. Goodbye.

So Long,

Y/N

You sat down gently on your bed; you wanted to die in a comfortable position. You dumped all the pills onto the silk sheets. They were taunting you, chanting to you to take them.

You can do this Y/N. No one wants you anymore.

You kept telling yourself that over and over again.

Finally, the words wrapped around your head and before you know it, your shoving pill after pill down your throat, chugging the whiskey you stole from Sean to push the pills smoothly down your throat.

You didn’t realize that you took the whole bottle, it just went by so fast; you wanted it to go by faster though, so you stumbled your way into the bathroom.

Fuck the comfy position.

You grabbed your trusty razor blade and made a deep vertical cut on your wrist, then the other wrist. Before you know it, your spurting out blood, blood is everywhere; you never thought a wrist could bleed this much.

Sean must’ve heard you fall to the ground because you heard someone shout your name running to your room. You pulled yourself over to the doorknob to lock it, so weak you almost couldn’t do it, but you managed.

“Dad! Where is she?!” You heard a familiar voice shout.

Ethan...

“She was in here...?” You could hear Sean’s voice muffled through the door.

“Dad... pills...” You could hear another familiar voice.

Grayson.

“Y/N!!!???” They all shout at the same time.

You were trying to call out, but your mouth was so dry and you were so weak to even make a noise.

“Bathroom!” You could hear Ethan yell to everyone.

Lisa must be gone. I don’t hear her.

You wanted to see Ethan, you really did, but you also wanted to see death.

Ethan was pounding on the door, yelling for you to open up. You’ve never heard him yell this loud before; never heard so much anxiety and concern in his voice.

His screaming and pleads started making your eyes water, and soon tears were flowing freely down your cheeks. Yet, no noise was escaping from your tightening throat.

“Y/N, honey, please. Please, I’m begging you, PLEASE open up!” You could hear Grayson choke up through the door.

“Call an ambulance, Dad.” You could hear Ethan say, trying to stay calm; you knew he was breaking inside.

Soon the yelling and pleading were becoming muffled; you were drifting off into darkness. The last thing you hear is the door hinges breaking off, then, everything is black.

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leonawriter · 6 years ago

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Previously, I went over a line in No Longer Human that I thought referred quite closely to the BSD version of Dazai Osamu, and now, I’m going to go over another one. Please bear in mind that I’m essentially liveblogging the book, and there will be bits of context that I won’t know until later.

In this passage, the POV character is referring to events that have happened wherein he had met with a waitress, connected with her - possibly the first person he had ever met who he felt he could understand, with how she was honest with her feelings of sadness and depression - and then because of his anxiety, left her and never came back.

After some time, however, while drunk he takes a friend of his to the café he’d first met her at, and when she comes over, she sits next to his friend, instead of him.

“It wasn’t that I regretted losing her. I have never had the faintest craving for possessions. Once in a while, it is true, I have experienced a vague sense of regret at losing something, but never strongly enough to affirm positively or to contest with others my rights of possession. This was so true of me that some years later I even watched in silence when my own wife was violated.”

The protagonist states outright that he doesn't tend to have feelings of possession, and doesn’t have strong enough ties to anything to fight for it.

However, I am completely ready and willing to call bullshit.

Half of this is because even before reading the next passages, my mind connected to two things within the quote I shared-

One, is that when the protagonist mentions “never strongly enough to affirm or contest [...] my rights of possession,” I can’t help but feel that this is more an extension of the protagonist’s chronic social anxiety, than actual lack of desire to keep things that they wish to keep. When one feels that they do not belong, or that they are so anxious that they do not want to take up space, then it’s only natural to not want to fight for, or over, anything material, let alone people.

Two, the phrase “I even watched in silence when my own wife was violated” does not, to me, mean that he felt nothing; in fact, it speaks to me of (if I am reading this correctly, and he means “violated” in the manner that I read it as) a time before PTSD was truly understood, if at all. Specifically, the fact that when the actual traumatic event is happening, one’s mind and emotions can tend to shut down, feeling nothing, in order to protect one’s mental state. In fact, actual emotional reactions may not happen until quite some time later. But to someone who already believes that they are excluded from being human, such responses will appear as merely further evidence toward this pre-conceived notion.

Now, what has all this got to do with BSD? Well, anyone who’s into BSD and has seen the Dark Era episodes might have recognised some of the sentiment given here.

Now, for reference, I’m going to quote what Dazai, while talking to Ango and Odasaku in Lupin for the last time, says,

“Anything I would never want to lose will be lost. It is given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.”

Notice any similarities?

Because to me, the main thing connecting the two ideas is that both speakers are speaking from a point of view where the core sentiment isn't that they don’t care, and is more to the point that they do care, but they know that whatever they want to keep, they won’t be able to hold onto, so what’s the point in trying.

This is important, because in a sense, BSD Dazai is being more open, honest, and aware of what he’s feeling, than Yozo, No Longer Human’s protagonist.

Another interesting note is that, when IRL Dazai Osamu was writing No Longer Human, it was published only three years after the official end of WW2, and both world wars are infamous for the way they treated soldiers with PTSD, or rather, “shell shock.” BSD is written during a time in which PTSD and all sorts of trauma are more deeply understood, and people with trauma and mental illness are given more understanding, so although the characters within may or may not be aware of there being words and names to put to why they felt the way that they do, the writers are more aware of those names, diagnoses, and the ways that trauma and mental illness (and neurodivergence) can affect people, as well as how someone would recover, or attain a better ability to stand on their own two feet in society.

Given Japan’s general treatment of neurodivergence, disability, and “anything that resembles as a nail sticking up that needs to be hammered down,” all of this should be taken in with that in mind, but even so, the ideas behind it all are there and present, and anyone who is interested enough can find the materials to research such things, even if they’ve never been formally taught, and even if they’re not in any given community of disabled or neurodivergent people.

Tl;dr: Yozo’s sense of innate despair of not being able to hold onto anything that he wants to keep influenced BSD!Dazai’s same despair, and in neither case is it an apathy, but more a symptom of depression and could be either a result and/or symptom of trauma and/or neurodivergence in one or both cases.

#bsd stuff #bungo stray dogs #no longer human #dazai osamu

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jcmorgenstern · 6 years ago

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*ep18spoilers* man i have such mixed feelings about crispy-chan. The way the heroes treat him is chilling-keeping him in chains is torture, and the way Luke says 'muzzle him' like dude, he's Jocelyns kid, and he's basically mentally handicapped because of what his parents put him through). Like i know he did what he did, but he's like a child soldier with heavy trauma and ptsd like idk man they should give him a psychiatrist while keeping him in cell, not torture him and lock him up again 😢

Yeah tbh my feelings were kind of complicated here too! Like, obviously I have a huge bias, and I don’t want to loose sight of that, but yeah the whole “torturing lilith is cool now” thing combined with elements of that scene def made me sad and a little ://// but tbh that’s far from the most screwed up thing they did in this show or even this episode

but yeah I’m not 100% sure how I would write Luke in this situation either?? Like obvs he’s on Clary’s side in this situation, and would probably come at it with that bias, but again they overlook the whole thing where he was VALENTINE’S PARABATAI like. the LITERAL OTHER HALF OF HIS SOUL was bonded to valentine and even if jocelyn couldn’t see past that I don’t think Luke would see things the same way. we know from 2a that he still had feelings about the bond with val even if val didn’t deserve them (that’s one of the most underrated scenes in the whole show to me, btw) and like….while I don’t think Luke would be like “aww sweet baby boy” I don’t think he would be quite so callous, either. For Luke I think there would be a sense of heaviness but he would do it for Clary, and ultimately prioritize her over Jonathan–he raised her, not him, and Jonathan DID hurt Clary.

Personally I want to know what they would have done if it had worked and Jonathan lived and is now a mundane (or a regular shadowhunter). Like….idk, send him to prison? kill him? try to wipe his memory? turn him into a coatrack? so many unanswered questions.

personally I think if i ever explored that, I’d want to see Luke and Maryse in charge of….”rehabilitation?” “adult baby-sitting?” “ex demon boy house arrest?” and the two of them working out their complicated feelings about valentine, jocelyn, the circle, and luke maybe finally getting to grieve jocelyn and ultimately getting closer to Maryse in a meaningful and believable way. and of course jonathan being a brooding, horrible, dramatic little hoe. im talking full on victorian gothic. moaning, brooding, hauntings, hysterical screaming, all of it.

also to the child soldier bit: I do definitely agree, and I think one of the most under-examined parts of both his and jace’s character IS the fact they’re child soldiers. It’s why that one post that says jonathan is a psychopath STILL to this day pisses me off, and i took two whole-ass courses just to prove it wrong. (and it IS wrong. so wrong. so fucking wrong). like one of the CORE features of a psychopath (which btw is not a dsm-5 disorder) is shallow emotional affect, both internally and externally, which means “neither experiences nor really expresses emotions outwardly” and……look, if jonathan’s emotions are a box of crayons, he’s grabbed all of them together in his fist and is scribbling frantically like a 4 year old on crack. he doesn’t even remotely fit that bill. and like having low empathy and remorse is exactly what’s observed in child soldiers (real, actual child soldiers, not fake-ass angel/demon fantasy child soldiers).

honestly idk if jonathan actually fits the bill for ptsd–i feel it’s a misconception that trauma always leads to ptsd even in severe cases (though it often does, and the mechanism why is not well understood). I did recently start to wonder if the fits the bill for borderline personality disorder (side note: that’s the most incorrectly self-diagnosed/lay diagnosed disorder and is HIGHLY stigmatized so i really hesitate to slap that label on a shitty villain, but in terms of symptom profile it probably fits best. anyway just to reiterate: borderline people are lovely honestly and all the people i know with bpd are fucking amazing so….ignore all that bs in popular media about it, it’s shit). also people with bpd are very very likely compared to the population average to have experienced childhood abuse so like idk man u decide for yourself. i was going to put all this in my huge developmental writeup but i haven’t mustered the energy yet

I do see why they lock him up given he wants to run off with clary every 10 seconds but honestly i find it comical that they never thought to get a decent therapist in there just to make him talk. literally IN DISGUSE jonathan was physically incapable of shutting up about himself and his past trauma like get a therapist in there and i GUARANTEE he’d tell you literally anything you wanted to know. like idk it just seems more efficient. like ‘‘blah blah blah ill only talk to clary’‘ bull shit we all know after 10 seconds of no one paying attention to him jonathan started telling his reflection in the cell glass how mistreated he was and how he’s the victim like he cannot shut up i love him what a mess

anyway im not sure what you meant referring to mental handicap but if you meant some pretty severe developmental lags….yeah. that whole socialization thing never really …happened. he’s like 90% feral in an adult body with 0 impulse control!!!

also random but i seriously wonder if he was able to keep up with his training in Edom….it always bothered me jace always manages to beat him when seb is (not to be a dirty stan on main but….to be a dirty stan on main)is supposed to be BETTER but i mean if he wasn’t able to keep up with training for like 10 years…it makes sense jace is more on top of his game. it’s gotta hit hard for golden piano boy to be better at the one thing jonathan is ‘‘best at’‘ (and tbh what valentine literally BRED him for) ughh im making myself mad and sad this was a mistake goodbye and goodnight

#this is SO incoherent im sorry #friend anon #i love a crispy boy #crispy chat #welcome to my crispy mind #tbh ''crispy chan'' killed me by #sh spoilers

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yoongihoseok97 · 6 years ago

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Trepidation

Reader x BTS ~ all members are individual

summary overall- “some dude once said, life begins where fear ends, so why is it that my only fear is to continue living?” or a series of depressing af stories, where the reader suffers from a large amount of mental illnesses due to a singular phobia.

warning- im not going to put a whole load of warnings in this section, instead im going to warn you that this isn’t supposed to offend anyone. i know that a lot of people suffer with mental illnesses, including myself, so when reading this i don’t mean to just use it as a story. i know a phobia isn’t diagnosed but it is a part and factor to something as common as anxiety and depression. so again im sorry if this may affect you, so if it may, please don’t read this as it does contain very dark themes.

SUMMARY

Kim Seokjin:

Autophobia- the fear of being alone. Your childhood wasn’t as great as most. orphaned at the age of five, adopted at the age of eleven. the family that took your in were the exact opposite of what your living conditions were like. Homeless and dirty to rich and pristine. they tried to help you move on from your past, but nothing could take that away. so when they introduced you to their friends son, you began to think they might’ve succeeded.

Min Yoongi:

Algophobia- the fear of pain. an outcast. that’s all you were and to to honest that’s how you preferred it. you had this constant fear walking alongside you. you see, physical pain scared you, but emotional pain terrified you. the fear of it consuming your every thought and stomach and heart, it was too much to handle. the fact that every time you felt nervous or excited it rallied in the pit of you stomach. sometimes you had panic attacks, sometimes you were sick. you stayed away from most people in case they ever caused that emotion to sping. it sounded selfish but it was for the best. you never wanted anyone to like you or befriend you, or you would just end up letting them down and being a constant weight on your shoulder. so naturally it sucked when you met someone at your therapy.

Jung Hoseok:

Atychiphobia- the fear of failure. your mother had always wanted something of you. with or without your father in the picture, she never changed from the cold bitch that put you through the worst sorts of pain, emotional and physical. at a young age she put you into a ballet class, thinking she would love for you to have a secure future. but as soon as the money came raking in, she took it for men, drugs and mainly alcohol. so you danced it away, even if it was she tortured you into. you couldn’t fail her, but the lack of emotional support made you want to continue, which doesn’t sound right exactly. but you wanted to prove her wrong and prove to yourself you were good at something. yet that never worked, until she slept with your dance instructor and got you a new one. now you had to prove to him you were.

Kim Namjoon:

Anthropophobia- the fear of people/society. you hated people. they were all full of bullshit, and lies and then more bullshit. all they did was mope over themselves and whine about how terrible their lives were. its not like you did it because yours was too, but you wished people would be more happy and truthful. maybe that way you could be. at least that’s what you told yourself. you hated people because of their bullshit and self resentment. but really they terrified you because they had their shit. the thought of them being around you and them having their problems and then their problems crowding around you freaked you the hell out. like this continuous spiral that you couldn’t stop falling down. you stayed mostly at BigH, a small bar where underground rappers would perform and everyone would keep to themselves. it was dark so you could never see them and the music helped. you shut yourself out from everyone and just listened. so when one performer caught you by surprise you couldn’t help but want to socialise for the first time in your life.

Park Jimin:

Atelophobia- the fear of imperfection. Rehearse. try again. fail. rehearse. try again. fail. that was the routine you had known for the majority of your life. everyone tried to stop you but everyone also failed. your parents couldn’t control it so they made you take sessions and put you somewhere they thought you could control it. your friends couldn’t handle it so they left to save themselves the hassle and time. so most of the time you found yourself alone, isolated. just you the dance floor and, to put it bluntly, your razor. it was dark you knew, but you felt as though you had to punish yourself somehow. you weren’t right and that needed to be fixed. you had to fix yourself. even though you didn’t really get along with people you still hated the isolation. so when someone joined the dance studio, you were slightly uncomfortable, and so was he. but i guess friendships grow in the strangest of places.

Kim Taehyung:

Achluophobia- the fear of darkness. you only go out during the day, you always sleep with a light on, and sometimes, you can’t even close your eyes. you do, and you’re trapped. sometimes, you wished that you could go out, sit on the roof and look up at the stars. they fascinated you, that fact that they were the only natural source of light at night. but every time you tried, you just panicked and stumbled back into the house. but you still had to have a normal life, going to school, making friends, getting your degree at college. but you couldn’t go out to clubs or probably never have the night with someone. but then you met someone. just a few problems. he was a typical night-owl, all-nighter and fratboy yu had met during art.

Jeon Jungkook:

Aphenphosmphobia- the fear of being touched. you met him at a bar. an unusual place for someone like you to be, but you were twenty years old, you knew how to look after yourself. at least that’s what you told yourself. it was nice to believe it, but at that current moment, you didn’t really give a shit. you've had a shit day at work, you hadn’t got the pay you were promised after working an extra six hours, and to top it all off, some idiot was trying to hit on you. if they knew that deep down you were seriously mentally unstable, serious anxiety and a topping of PTSD, then no way would they even approach you right now. but then he touched your shoulder and it felt like the floor had given way to your legs like your brain was constantly reminding you of your shit like your stomach wanted to throw everything back up. normally the drinking helped but clearly, you hadn’t had enough yet. the man held onto you looking into your eyes, but you couldn’t focus them, he was making it worse. before you knew it someone else approached him and started a fight. you felt him hold your hand and you almost threw it away as far as you could but it was different. he only wore gloves but his gentleness made you feel safe somehow. you had started to focus your sight and breathing as you went out back gasping for air...

Authors note: so I know I kind of spoke in the warning section but I wanted to lift the mood back up. ill do an individual story for each member and ill try my hardest not to make it short and crap. ill still continue with my other series but I thought I should give it a bit of a change. I have some other fic ideas too, but if you want something requested just say so. also this may take a while but I definitely want to do it so again, sorry :))) xx

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